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Anonymous
I know lots of lawyers and CPAs are on here -is there any strategy for when to file a corporate transparency act disclosure? I have a handful of clients that I handle their annual sec of state filings for. I work in a 2-attorney firm and my partner does purely real estate. I have attended 3 CLEs but the presenters haven’t had time to take all questions. We’re talking entities that are 5+ years old, pretty small, stable ownership, but not exempt- I can’t figure out whether to just have the entities file now or if there’s some reason to wait until year end. I don’t know who to call and ask and maybe anonymous internet folks are willing to share!
Mm
Im an estate planner and this has come up a lot recently. The general advice seems to be to wait until closer to year end for already existing entities, in case there are problems to resolve with the system or process. And try passing the responsibility to accountants where possible.
Anon
I’m in a small attorney office and I’ve done my own office’s report (just so I could be familiar with the process) and I sent letters notifying my clients of their responsibility to do it on their own about two weeks ago. Mostly CYA and I didn’t want to forget or get to November and have it still hanging over my head and dealing with it in the last two weeks of December. Plus I have a couple businesses created this year, so I needed to deal with it soon anyway. Out of ~ 30 letters, I’ve had about 5 follow-ups so far, and most of them are doing it themselves and only had a couple of questions about the process for me.
Anon
Does anyone have a resource for calculating the estimated commuted value of a pension? I know what the value stands for, but haven’t found an easy way to calculate it, and googling was not immediately successful.
My (Canadian, public sector) pension plan allows workers to transfer out the commuted value of their pension when they leave, and I’m curious what that dollar figure is. Obviously it is officially calculated if I actually left my job, but I’m not looking to do that today LOL.
Anon
Doesn’t a lot depend on expected life expectancy? And then to you, how long do women in your family tend to live? I might feel like I prefer the lifetime guaranty and a payout wouldn’t be good in some families.
The IRS publishes life expectancy tables that we use in private annuities, which seems similar to pension valuation.
Anon
It depends entirely on what interest rate and mortality table you use. If this is a public plan, in the U.S., at least, you could find out that information, as it would be in the plan document. I have no idea whether public pension plan documents are publicly available in Canada. In the U.S., the interest rate that is used for private plans has to be based on a certain index, but plans have a lot of latitude as to which of the optional rates to use and for how long. This is relevant only because if your plan also uses an interest rate that can change, remember that the calculation you get today may not be the number that the plan uses in 5 or 10 years. And remember: the higher the interest rate, the lower the lump sum, but the older you are, the higher the lump sum will be. What might be more helpful is to get the plan’s estimate and figure out whether you can beat the factors used to calculate it. If your remaining life expectancy on their table is 37 years, for example, and you figure you’re good for another 50, the lump sum is probably not a good value. If they use a 3% rate and you think you can earn 7%, on the other hand, maybe it is.
All that said, there are lump sum calculators online. Google “pension plan lump sum calculator.” Ameriprise has one that seems to ask for all of the right information.
anon
Thanks, this is extremely helpful. It inspires me to dig into the reporting docs for my pension a bit more and see if I can find the important assumptions and do some back-of-napkin calculation.
I’m still pretty young (as far as pensions go – about 10 years out of school), and thinking of this as a factor in the overall decision-making of my career trajectory. Do I want to set myself up as a lifer in the pensioned public sector or contemplate other job opportunities. Obviously you can move anytime in life, but the longer you do one the harder to migrate in my legal market…
Anonymous
It depends what pension you have. If it’s federal govt I would make sure you have the years for it to vest and then look elsewhere but keep the pension. A full indexed defined benefit pension is very hard to find.
anon
I’m in Ontario, Canada, and part of the provincial public sector pension (PSPP). Vesting doesn’t work the same, and in any event I have about 10 pensionable years of service. DB pension plans are the norm in the broader public sector here, although not in the private sector. In any event, I’m mainly interested in figuring out a commuted value to better understand my total compensation from my current position vis-a-vis market rates for similar work in the private sector.
Anon 11:25
I’m in the public sector with vested DB pension in another province. Agree with a few other posters that you likely need an actuary. Public sector DH’s vested after 4 years and mine didn’t vest for 10 and it’s DB but only partially indexed and I’ve switched to part time which puts me in the garbage DC plan (like in many govt jobs). I’ll buy back from DC to DB in a couple years. I’ve heard people toss around the stat that the Cdn federal DB is worth 30% of after tax salary in the private sector but not sure how accurate that is.
Anon
You need an actuary.
Anon
I’m still waiting on a 1099 in the mail from emptying/closing a 401k last year. Shouldn’t it have come by now? Do I need to call the company?
Anon
I received 1099s as recently as yesterday, so it could still be on its way.
Anon
It probably should have, but it’s not unheard of for companies to still be mailing out now. Can you log in to your old account online and view tax forms?
Anon
I didn’t think I could still log in, but turns out I can! Just printed the form. Thank you.
Anon.
I am also still waiting for a document from the provider that is managing the stock packages from my F500 company. Coworkers warned me it might only come in March.
Anon
They’re not required to be sent until Feb 15th.
Anon
Vanguard is giving me dates as late as March 11 for my 1099. I own nothing complicated with them.
NY CPA
same. im annoyed.
Anon
I’m curious, why does it take so long? I assume there’s like some software program that can auto generate these? Or are they actually hand generated/checked before mailing?
Anon
I had a lash lift & tint done yesterday evening, and while I LOVE the results, I woke up with a persistent stuffy/runny nose. Is this normal from the fumes of the chemicals used? I felt fine last night. Just wondering if it’s connected. My eyes feel fine.
Anon
Did you wear a mask during the procedure?
Anon
No, I didn’t
Cat
seems like a likely coincidence vs. causation to me.
anonymous
I routinely get my lashes done (fwiw, far prefer extensions to a lift), never wear a mask and have never had a cold like reaction to the fumes. I think you may have a cold or morning congestion.
Anon
Could be an allergic reaction or could be that you caught something from the technician.
Take an antihistamine and see if it helps the symptoms, that will help you figure it out.
In-House in Houston
Good morning! I’m thinking about a trip this fall to Asheville, NC. Has anyone been there in the fall? I’ve heard it’s a very artsy place…which is great. Just the hubs and I. No kids. TIA!!
Anon
I’m from Charlotte, NC and I absolutely LOVE Asheville! You’re right that it’s very artsy. Please know though that it will be BUSY in the fall. If you plan on driving the Blue Ridge Parkway, you’ll pretty much just be sitting in traffic. That said, I still think it’s worth going. There are a number of great small hikes and waterfalls to see, including Hooker Falls/Triple Falls/High Falls (all together), Rainbow Falls, Looking Glass Falls, and others. My favorite place to stay is Asheville Cottages. You rent a small cottage, each equipped with a full kitchen, living room, bedrooms, and a hot tub outside! They are very caring and folksy, usually with handwritten notes from the cleaning staff wishing that you have a great time on your trip, a basket of snacks, and a sign-in book where you can see messages of past visitors from over the years with tips and tricks for Asheville. It’s a cozy spot to stay. Enjoy!
Anon
I’m from the area! Longer comment in mod
Anon
Never been, but after reading this (in reply), I want to visit Firestorm Books.
Anon
https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2024/02/10/florida-book-ban-duval-schools/
ollie
Spent a long weekend in Asheville in the fall when I was living in NC – it’s lovely! We stayed in a small Airbnb in West Asheville with a hot tub. It was in the woods but still close enough to drive or Uber into town. There are a ton of breweries if you’re into craft beer and excellent restaurants too – our favorite was Cucina 24. For less-strenuous outdoor activity the arboretum is beautiful.
Anon
Does anyone know how long you have to stay in federal government to be vested in the pension? I’m joining the Treasury soon and while I know I’ll find out these details when I start, it’s a question I forgot to ask the HR person during the hiring process. I suppose I could reach out (especially if you all tell me it differs by agency) but I thought I’d see if you all knew first.
anon a mouse
Typically 5 years.
Anonymous
OPM’s website has a ton of info relating to government retirement stuff. https://www.opm.gov/retirement-center/
Anon
5 years for FERS. 3 years for TSP.
Welcome to the Feds! Best job I’ve ever had
anon
To elaborate, 3 years vesting for the 1% agency automatic contribution but no wait for the agency match.
anon
Just curious… to Federal jobs have health insurance that carries over to retirees?
Anonymous
Yes, you can continue federal health insurance until you qualify for Medicare.
Anon
And after. Most Feds I know don’t sign up for Medicare because the insurance is so good, or they keep it as a supplement.
Anonymous
If you have FEHB the 5 (I think) years immediately before retirement.
Anon
Yes (I’m a retired Fed). Better yet, after I pass away, DH will be able to keep the health insurance.
anon
Wow … so amazing.
Anon
You have to be employed with the feds continuously for 5 years before retirement to continue FEHB benefits. Check out OPM’s website or various subreddits (r/fednews, r/govfire) for more info on that.
Anonymous
Prompted by the question yesterday afternoon about growth mindset, and some other things I’ve seen on here recently, I wanted to share a phrase I heard that has resonated with me related to relationships (I cannot take credit for this). “Shared values are more important than shared interests.”
Anon
Nothing to say except I’m stealing that and it’s great.
Anonymous
Agree. It’s completely true.
Cb
Absolutely. My husband and I don’t have much in common on paper – he’s IT, I’m academic. He’s an introvert, I’m an extrovert. He loves TV and videogames, I’m a voracious reader. He’d live on a remote Scottish isle, I’d live in a plate apartment in the centre of Edinburgh. In terms of shared interests? We both like brunch? We really love hanging out with our kid?
But we have shared values (kindness, community-oriented, hardworking) and shared goals (wanted to be parents) and really enjoy our lives together. I just talk politics and see depressing political theatre with my nerdy friends, he uses headphones and watches movies while I read.
Sunshine
You guys sound so much like DH and me. We seem to be nothing alike on paper, but we are happily married at the 10 year mark because we have underlying, fundamental compatibility even though we don’t share common interests. We also are happy doing a lot of things separately, such as hobbies and seeing our respective friends.
I keep a post from Adam Grant:
Strong relationships don’t need agreement. They need alignment.
Agreement is having identical opinions. Alignment is having shared values.
Agreement is taking the same path. Alignment is heading in the same direction.
Closeness is a matter of commitment, not consensus.
Cb
We’re 10 years in October. I really liked Adam Gopnik’s lust, loyalty, laughter framework, that when people are feeling disconnected, they go for rose petals on the bed when really they should work to laugh together and foster a sense of loyalty, and then the rest follows.
anon
I really enjoy Adam Gopnik. Thanks for sharing this gem.
Anonymous
Okay, I’m the op here and Adam Gant’s words are far more eloquently put. Thank you for sharing!!
Anon
This is me and my husband almost to a T except the introvert/extrovert is reversed.
Anonymous
Something similar was written in my parent’s wedding guestbook in the ’70s by one of their elderly (born in the 1890s) relatives. It is such timeless and important advice.
We marry a whole human being with their own interests, likes, and dislikes and we have to accept that.
Anonymous
Interesting. I think this is the language (including in the comments) I have been searching for to explain why my current relationship feels so unexpected and yet so comfortable.
I am curious about the “eclipsing” issue when you do not share interests when you come into the relationship. I haven’t given up any of my own interests/hobbies, but I do spend time engaging in his with him (mostly just, like watching sports and listening to music I probably wouldn’t on my own). I am fine with this but I know that some ways men would protest that I am “losing myself” and say they would never spend one minute engaging in some of these things because they don’t suit their taste.
Anonymous
*some women
travel_mug
I’m in a very happy marriage like this, and I always tell my husband that he opened my world to so many things I wouldn’t have ever experienced without him. And I think I have done the same for him!
I think its wonderful to be with someone who broadens your world.
Emma
+1 million. My exH and I had similar interests and different values. My 2nd H and I had very different interests but similar values. Second marriage is much happier and I wish I had known this at 25.
anon
+1 million. Of the marriages in my circle that have failed, it’s been due to underlying differences in values. My DH and I don’t share a ton of hobbies, but we love spending time together and have a pretty darn easy relationship because we want the same things out of life.
Anon
This is true of me and my husband.
Anonymous
Good morning. Does anyone have any resources for office politics, specifically getting promoted? I’m starting a new job soon and at my current gig I was well regarded and did good work but wasn’t considered for supervisor and management positions. I find i have little instinct for which projects will be considered important, for example. Or I’ll lean into the wrong metric and have little to show for it. I’m an attorney at an insurance company if it matters and have zero business background. Thanks!
Chl
I like the book ‘the secret handshake’ by Kathleen reardon. Also herminia Ibarra act like a leader think like a leader. Congratulations and good luck!
Anon
I am in-house and outside of resources like books, I strongly encourage you to try to attend the business strategy planning meetings. The business will identify its priorities for the year and that will help you in identifying projects that will get traction.
I am fortunate that my function takes integrating legal into the business processes and plans so I sit on the SLT (I am not a GC) and participate actively in strategic planning. Even if your function is hesitant, being able to listen should be helpful.
anonymous
This. You have to understand what your business areas are trying to get done to be effective. Also if you’re looking to move up in legal, take on things that aren’t getting done and do them well, be nice, be easy to work with, make friends at the company. If you’re not invested in the place no one else is going to be invested in you.
Anon
Anon at 10:21 here and agree on the advice re moving up, and want to add that my greatest skill at work is not my legal skills, it’s my people skills. I make a huge effort to build relationships within the legal department and also outside of it. You want people to think of you first for things and that means they need to know who you are and how it is to work with you.
The No Club
Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office
The No Club
anonymous
This is exactly wrong in an in-house legal environment.
Anon
In our in-house culture, this would be the fast way to get yourself resigned. Our role is to provide guidance and input, then pivot to making the path smooth even if (when) it is not the one we guided the group to take.
Cat
These might be on point for distancing yourself from high-effort, low-reward activities like being the person who organizes a holiday party, but not for actual WORK.
I agree with the advice above. Your clients want someone who can appreciate how your project fits in with the big picture so that you give practical advice in context.
Anon
Read Seeing the Big Picture by Kevin Cope to brush up on business acumen.
Pep
Following up on a post in yesterday’s afternoon thread about 80s/90s catalogs: There’s a site called Wishbook Web that has browseable catalogs for selected years between 1937 – 1996 for retailers such as Sears, JCP, Wards, Spiegel, etc.
http://www.wishbookweb.com/the-catalogs/
Anon
Ooh!
Anonymous
man I wish it had Delia’s – I so wanted to be a Delia’s girl
Aquitaine
There are so many of us with grown up money now. If someone relaunched Delia’s they would make buckets.
Anon
Thanks for sharing this!
Anon
This is amazing!
There was a girl in my town who was in a lot of TV commercials and catalogs. She was a couple of years younger than me and a very vibrant redhead. She was everywhere for a year or two and then I think she moved and you never saw her again (in town or in a Kraft commercial). I always wondered what happened to her. She would have been maybe 8-10 when she was doing this. It was epic (to me).
Vicky Austin
oh my gosh, that’s so cool
Anon
My husband applied for a job with an acquaintance of mine at a medium sized nonprofit where she’s the CEO. I had mentioned he’s looking, and she had HR reach out to him. He did 2 interviews, and they ghosted him. I subsequently saw an announcement about the person they hired on her LinkedIn.
Should I mention the ghosting to her? For context, we serve on another nonprofit board together, so I see her regularly. I would want to know if my HR ghosted someone. It looks bad to not send a “thank you, but you aren’t advancing” email after 2 interviews. I don’t want to seem like sour grapes, though.
Cb
I wouldn’t for fear of making things awkward.
The only time I did it was when I got a call a few months post-interview from the hotel saying that my bill hadn’t been paid… I emailed HR to tell them about the bill, and got a form rejection 10 minutes later.
Anon
I would say nothing. It’s no one’s favorite, but HR ghosts applicants alllllll the time. It’s incredibly common and it will seem like a lot to try to bring it up with her.
Anon
It will 100% seem like sour grapes if you say something.
Anonymous
No.
Cat
The least possible awkward way to do this is something like “oh I saw your hiring announcement – she looks like a great fit! DH had been wondering about the status of the process after he came in a few weeks ago” but… even typing that out it feels cringe so I’m voting no.
Anon
Yeah the hypothetical also gave me vicarious embarrassment. That’s a no!
anonymous
Nope. HR is in the business of ghosting applicants, the sooner people realize that the better for your mental health. Sometimes a recruiter will high touch a CEO referral, but many forget. You look naive and annoying if you say anything. He wasn’t the pick, focus on the next gig.
Anon
Yup, this.
Anonymous
No. This is unfortunately really, really normal – I have rarely received notice that I wasn’t hired for a job, even after multiple interviews.
Anonymous
Just really ridiculous, because let’s say you get 100 applications, you interview 10 and you pick one. By ghosting, you’ve just made at least nine people unhappy, and they’ll spread the word about your business.
Anon
I wouldn’t go out of my way to find her and tell her, but if we saw each other at an event, I wouldn’t hesitate to say “DH was disappointed to never hear back after his interviews – sad it didn’t work out, but I appreciate you putting the initial word in.”
Anon
I can’t imagine what that conversation is going to accomplish other than OP making her friend deeply uncomfortable. She announced the hire on her LinkedIn. She knows he didn’t get the job. Just move on.
Anon
Thanks for the feedback! I won’t say anything. I don’t like normalizing ghosting, though. I recently hired for an assistant position, and I used our HR hiring software to send a “no” auto email to every single applicant – and we had about 100. To the 9 people I interviewed, I used a mailmerge extension to send a no as well. It took a few minutes of my time, and it felt respectful to someone who took the time to speak with me.
Anon
I agree with you. I don’t think it’s sour grapes to put a review on Glassdoor or spread the word in your industry. It’s a different world now – job candidates are interviewing companies too. We’re not just along for the ride anymore.
anonymous
I mean that’s very nice of you but it isn’t normal. It’s not a date, it’s a job application. Many companies see dealing with a lot more than 9 applicants. Again, if you bring it up you sound so very out of touch.
Anon
Strongly disagree. This is another example of a non-growth mindset – believing that you’re just stuck in a situation with no agency or power.
anonymous
lol, no. That’s not it. But nice try.
Cat
what? How is declining to nag her friend about her friend’s HR department being “stuck” as opposed to realizing it’s not the appropriate forum to air this particular grievance?
Anon
Oh god, are we going to frame everything in those terms this week?
Anon
Disagree. I don’t need a rejection email for every random LinkedIn application I send, but it is such bad form to not say something to people who actually interviewed with you. It’s completely disrespectful of our time as applicants and humans.
Anonymous
Exactly. I went through a grueling job search over the last 9 months after a layoff, and I was only ghosted once after an interview/screening call. In that one case, it was a start up with one HR person who was responsible for all aspects of HR–who probably had limited applicant tracking tools– and I’d only done the initial/screening call with him (not the hiring manager). In fact, I can only think of one other company that rejected me after an interview via their applicant tracking notification system rather than a personal email from the recruiter — and in that case the recruiter called me to let me know a week later (turns out he hadn’t realized he’d already triggered a notification in the system). If your company’s HR team is not doing the bare minimum to notify unsuccessful interview candidates– or pushing hiring managers to do so– they’re terrible at their jobs.
Anonymous
100%
Lexi
Agree!
anecdata
I agree with not bringing it up, but also “we have more than 9 applicants” is not a good reason not to close the loop. It is so so easy to automate this.
A
I agree with you too but I was ghosted after making it through three rounds and easily overlapping with folks in the field. My husband’s been ghosted in similar contexts too — high level positions, overlapping work. It’s maddening but common.
Betsy
Yeah, let’s not normalize ghosting job applicants because some rude jerks do it. I can’t think of a time I’ve been ghosted during a job search after interviewing. At the bare minimum I’ve gotten the form rejection from the HR software and that certainly isn’t too much to expect when you’ve spent your time on an interview!
Anon
Strongly agree on this. Basic courtesy. It takes time and effort to interview and he deserves a quick email. In government job in my country you even get feedback on your interview, if you want it.
Anon
I wouldn’t. What is the point, what would you want her to do with the information? This is not your friend’s responsibility and would be really odd for you to expect her to go yell at her HR or something like that.
Anon
I wouldn’t either but yes, it is your friend’s responsibility. She is the CEO.
Anon
+1 It’s also a “medium-sized nonprofit,” which means that employees may be exchanging higher salary for better work-life balance, belief in the mission, and a sane company culture. “We treat our potential employees just as badly as Corporatist McGreedy” is… a problem.
Anon
Lol no it’s not.
Anonymous
Hahaha nonprofits treat their employees even worse than Corporatist McGreedy.
Anonymous
I disagree with the other advice. This wasn’t a regular application – this was a referral, and not just any referral, from the CEO. The CEO asked HR to reach out to this person, so rightly or wrongly, they were a “VIP” applicant. Ghosting a referral is a performance issue in my opinion (in house working closely with HR). Non profits are relationship driven because of the fundraising aspect – what if the CEO had referred in a major donor and they were ghosted?
I wouldn’t make a big deal about it but would say something casual.
Anon
I agree with all of this. If it were me, I would want to know.
Anon
Nope. CEO knows. She knows husband wasn’t hired. OP has already asked her to go above and beyond. Let it lie.
Lexi
Agree
Anon
Does anyone have any recommendations for soft, medium-support sports bras that have good separation? I need something for around the house and walking and most of the options in my drawer have poor separation for my larger (~D-cup) breasts. A little lining would be nice for showthrough. Ideas welcome – online ordering preferred.
Anon
More high support than medium, but I really love Lululemon’s run times bra and I think that fits what you’re looking for.
Anon
And I’m 34 DD/DDD, for reference.
Anonymous
I prefer Coobie bras to those True Love ones or whatever (38G) – I also have an Avia sports bra from Walmart that is surprisingly good. this was the one I bought and liked (sold out now, but for reference): https://www.walmart.com/ip/Avia-Women-s-Medium-Support-Seamless-Scoop-Neck-Cross-Back-Sports-Bra/479928598
Anon
True Love gave me a unib00b and I am an A cup. Lol
Anonymous
I have a couple of Champion (Target) ones that would fit this description. Last time I was in Target it looked like they had a decent selection of different types.
anon
If it is just for walking around, I’d recommend the Cosabella soft bralettes. They make them for larger sizes, are true to size, and thankfully also have hooks in the back so I don’t have to dislocate my shoulder to get into them. Plus, they are cute.
Anon
The Cosabella are nice but if OP wants separation, they’re not going to do it.
Anon
I’d honestly ask on a bra that fits on redd1t. They have a Facebook group now that’s private. (Meaning your friends and family won’t see your posts there, but you have to ask to join)
Anon
I haven’t shopped there in a while, but Victoria’s Secret’s sports bras used to encase rather than compress. If you want separation, I’d definitely check them out.
Anon
I have a set of old couches and a chewed-up rug (puppy) that is too small for the room it’s now in. If you were going to replace both, likely with similar items, would you do rug first or couches (will likely become couch + 2 chairs) or does it matter? I also need little things like lamps and side tables, but I feel like I see the problem but can’t settle on a plan of attack.
Cat
I would do couch first since its style & color will heavily influence the rest of the room.
anon
Couch first, because the couch needs to be comfortable, durable, and well built. The only thing a rug needs to do is match the couch and not be too expensive.
Anonymous
Couch first. It’s easier to find a style of rug that works than a couch that will meet size, shape, style, cost, etc. preferences. And the couch is a higher-cost purchase that is likely to be around a lot longer.
anonymous
Heh, I’m the opposite, I have vintage wool rugs that are $$$ and will definitely last much longer than any couch.
Anon
Same.
Anon
Right. I think of my rugs as art and my couches as seating. I am all about the rugs.
Anon
Same. My rugs are my favorite thing in my house. I consider them neutrals.
anonymous
I’d start with the rug myself, and build from there. I see it as the color pallet for the room. I’d choose my couch color to coordinate with the rug rather than vice versa (it’s easier too because you can get small fabric samples to put against the rug but it’s rare to be able to sample a rug unless you’re getting one that’s super cheap and comes in small sizes, but even that’s an expensive way to do things).
Anonymous
Another vote for couch first. It will be the focal point you can match everything else to.
Anon
Rug first. Everything is drawn from the colors in the rug.
Anonymous
Depends on what kind of rug you are considering. For a cheap rug that won’t last longer than the couch, I’d go couch first. For a wool rug you plan to have for many years, start with the rug.
Cornellian
+1
Trixie
I do rug first, because I like patterned rugs. The pattern suggests the theme/style of the room, and the colors that are in the rug suggest the furniture colors. To me, a rug is artwork, and it gives me something to work off of. Furniture is usually solid colors, or close to it with a small pattern, so it is easier to find a couch I love than a rug I love. Patterns hide dirt and spills more than solids, so with a puppy, that may be a good direction.
Anon
I have long wanted a Chesterfield-style couch. It’s time! I have a living room. I have a budget. I have selected a vendor (Comfortable Couch Company, recommended here, for the win). I have the swatches.
Polling the audience: burgundy / oxblood? This seems to be the classic choice, but most oriental rugs are reddish, and I’m just not sure it would look good together (I can’t find examples in the wild or on the interwebs either way). Or go with dark gray (but clearly in the gray family vs anything close to black), which I think would be lovely with a typical oriental rug as a color pairing.
I trust my big-picture design sense, but I feel that I struggle with the fine points.
Cat
Dark-medium brown is also a classic choice and more versatile with other colors IMHO.
Emma
Are you doing leather? If so I would brown. I’m partial to cognac, but darker chocolate brown works too if it’s more your style. Works with all kinds of rugs, and it’s timeless IMO.
Anon
+1. Looks better than oxblood IMO.
Anon
+1 – a rich chocolate brown leather or a warm cognac would be my choice. A leather couch in a color is harder to work around (rugs/wall color/other furniture).
nuqotw
If the rug is purely hypothetical and you want burgundy/oxblood, go for it! If you already have the reddish rug, how about a navy blue couch? We have some reddish chairs and we got a navy blue couch and it worked out well.
anon
Yes. My grandparents have navy chesterfields and they’re so elegant.
Anon
I think oxblood is classic and you won’t regret it. It’s truly a neutral in the couch space, and I wouldn’t worry about it clashing with a reddish rug that has many other colors in the pattern. As others pointed out, you can get classic rugs in other colors than red, if it really bothers you.
anon
No grey.
Anonymous
You’re not in ATL by chance, are you? I have one to sell.
Anon
We have an emerald green chesterfield from them in velvet and love it – they’re great quality couches, enjoy!
Anon
I’d do a rich brown.
Anon
If you already own a red rug, brown or cognac chesterfield. If not, oxblood sofa and navy kilim.
Anonymous
These pants look so cute at first glance, but I think sweater material would pill horribly. I also think that level of casual material combined with red is a whole lot of look for the office. Sweater pants seem better suited to loungewear or at least a weekend.
anonymous
I shudder at the thought of sweater pants, they’d show every lump and bump.
Anonymous
I normally love all things red, but these pants are just a huge no for me.
Anonymous
but weren’t the Eileen Fisher pants everyone always loved of a sweatery material? these seem like the same thing
anonymous
Eileen Fisher is for when you’ve given up or are a lady therapist of a certain age.
Anon
I urge you to consider the amount of ageism in that statement and remember that you too will get older and be faced with the considerable discrimination that goes along with it.
Anon
You could at least credit Nora Ephron, who put the “give up” words about EF clothing in a character’s mouth.
Why I like EF clothing:
My style is minimalistic. I don’t give a rats ass about trends and fast fashion. I think EF is what you buy when you can’t afford The Row.
Eileen Fisher is a real person, who remains deeply involved in her company.
EF has profit sharing and 40% ownership by employees.
EF did “sustainability” long, long before it was a buzzword. There is a recycling/reuse program for their used clothing. Environmentalism guides the choice of fabric and dyes. Materials are ethically sourced.
EF is B Corp certified.
In summary, I can wear the minimalist style that I like while putting my money where my values are. Be as disdainful as you like – frankly it looks bad on you.
Anonymous
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/when-do-you-start-wearing-eileen-fisher
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/signs-that-youre-ready-to-wear-taupe
Anon
I see you’ve given up on trying to be a decent person.
Anon
Not sweater-y. Back in the day when they were lovable they were made of a fairly thick crepe material that had soft structure and and didn’t cling. Then they moved to a very thin crepe material that was heinous. Apparently that backfired on them and they have moved to a thicker crepe material but not as thick as it used to be. I would say that currently they drape but don’t cling. The OG pants were office suitable. 2nd gen pants looked like cheap athleisure. Current “washable crepe pants”
are probably in the know your office category.
Anonymous
No, those EF pants are like a crepe sort of fabric. Those wear like iron. They’re my go-to when packing light.
Anon
Eileen Fisher is a lot higher quality than J Crew.
Anon
Seems that sweater pants would pill and potentially rip when your thighs touch.
Anon
I have seen them frequently out and about and they look very nice on, although they seem a bit trendy/for the younger set.
Anon
Looking at the photos I’m not sure they are actually “sweater” material? More like a heavy knit?
Anon
That’s my take. Seriously considering them, just in navy or black.
Anon
These are knockoffs of the High Sport kick flare pants. I’m not sure how the $800 version (!!) is but for me these were a firm no. I’m between a 4-6 and carry my weight in my legs and have a fair amount of cellulite. They were too tight and showed every dimple/wrinkle in a small and fell off me in a medium.
Anon
That is an incredibly helpful review. Not what I wanted to hear, but my wallet can find a different use for $150.
Foundation help
I am looking for a new foundation. Is there something between full coverage and tinted moisturizer? I used a Mac liquid full coverage one for years but it felt so heavy. Then I went to a tinted moisturizer that I like in theory but it’s too light and I don’t think does anything at all if I’m being honest. Any recs?
Bonus if I can get it at Ulta today. TIA.
Anon
For medium to buildable coverage, I like the Makeup Forever HD Skin (only at Sephora), Haus Labs by Lady Gaga foundation (only at Sephora), and the Fenty Beauty Pro Filter Soft Matte foundation (at Ulta and Sephora). I’m a makeup junkie so I’ve used a ton of foundations.
Anon
I like the Ester Lauder serum foundation, it’s fairly light and dewy but does have some coverage. It’s sold at my local Ulta.
Anon
I absolutely hate heavy foundation, so I wear the Bare Minerals powder foundation (I often get compliments on my skin when I wear this) and the Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer. I don’t use a lot and they are both very light.
Anonymous
BB cream could work, or a CC cream. They normally have limited color options, so depends on your skin tone.
I like the Erborian CC cream, Maybelline BB cream and a l’oreal glow one.
Anon
I’m a BB cream devotee. I like Dr Jart
Anon
IDK if it’s at Ulta, but I love my Merit foundation stick, it’s heavier than tinted moisturizer but not full coverage, and super easy to apply.
Anon
Bobbi Brown has a great foundation stick too. Plus a great color range.
Anon
I just bought 36 foundations at Ulta in January. I’m 42 years old and apparently a very unusual skin color and dang tired of not finding a match after the only one I had ever found was discontinued, so I resolved to fix my problem by trying formulas at home under my own lights with my own sponge. I did – I ended up with three matches. My favorite formula by FAR is the Estee Lauder Futurist. Apparently it’s an older product and that’s the reason I’ve never heard of it, since magazines and the like aren’t talking about it. It’s so, so gorgeous on the skin.
https://www.ulta.com/p/futurist-hydra-rescue-moisturizing-foundation-spf-45-pimprod2013152?sku=2559119
Aquitaine
I was influenced to buy the Missha Perfect Cover BB cream and I love it. Very light but good coverage. It’s got a very dewy finish and the shade range is unfortunately limited.
Anon
Would appreciate any wisdom /experience/advice/encouragement for medicating anxiety. Was medicated for the better part of five years and tolerated it well. Weaned off a year ago, which was NOT a fun process, but a year later after, after the wean-off and many months without, I feel like my ‘normal’ is not working. I guess I was hoping that I could tolerate being unmedicated better, and the experiment has not panned out like I hoped.
I have never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or anything else, but it has always been something I have struggled with in different ways. In the last year, I have moved on from a bad job situation, and some personal issues have improved, but I still feel like I’m fighting myself. I do great at work and function fine, but responsibilities weigh on me disproportionally, I’m easily tearful/overwhelmed, and just don’t like being in this state of worry/pessimism/unmotivation.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss options moving forward. Maybe I just need to get over the idea that I may need to be medicated long term.
Anonymous
Have you tried therapy? What kind of medication were you on – an antidepressant or a benzodiazepine?
Anon
It’s okay to go back on medication and stay on medication! I’m confused about how you were on meds if not diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. If the meds worked though, it sounds like they were relevant. Was there a reason for weaning off?
Anon
+1
I will be on medication for life probably. That’s just what my brain needs.
OP
Decided to wean off because I felt like my life had stabilized, and I wanted to know what my ‘baseline’ was. I started on meds after seeing a therapist for over a year, and was prescribed an antidepressant by my gynecologist when I brought up the symptoms.
I’m aware that lifestyle changes may help, but up to this point it hasn’t been enough.
Anon
Are you getting enough sleep, firstly. Check the basics like food allergies, exercise/meditation too as your lifestyle might have contributing factors.
Anon
Reading back, I didn’t mean this to sound patronising. I came off anxiety meds and found that looking after my physical health and mental health in a different way made the hugest difference for me. I had mild food intolerances that were annoying but once I cut them out, discomfort went away and mood improved. Tai chi helped so much with anxiety symptoms and breathing so I wasn’t borderline tearful for little reasons.
Sometimes people need meds but I didn’t.
Anon
Definitely anxiety can be a symptom of other conditions rather than its own thing.
Anon88
I have pretty bad anxiety and there has been some trial and error. I was on Lexapro for about a year and felt really good, but had s-xual side effects and couldn’t handle the weight gain (too many body image issues to accept that trade off).
Now I’m on Wellbutrin and Buspar. The combo is working well for me, and I plan to be on medication until it stops working for me, which very well may be forever. I still have some breakthrough anxiety but it’s much better managed and honestly finding a med combo that works has been life-changing. Definitely worth the effort.
JD
I don’t have educated advice, but I’ve heard different types of issues respond to different treatment. I’ve heard cognitive behavioral therapy can help anxiety if you’ve never tried that.
Anon
It’s ok to need medication! I need it and didn’t want to need it in the beginning, but it’s so silly to think that way. My brain doesn’t produce enough chemicals on its own to function like it should, so I take medicine to help it produce more of those chemicals. That’s it. That’s what’s going on. It’s not a moral failing. It’s supplementing a natural deficiency.
(They don’t know what exactly causes anxiety and depression, but let’s go with “brain chemicals” for the purposes of a message board, k?)
Summer
Anyone got recommendations for gloves I can wear all the time, including indoors? They don’t need to be warm, I’m not in a climate where anyone wears gloves for warmth, I just want to cover my skin. I was recently diagnosed with some medical issues that mean I need to wear splints for my fingers whenever possible, and I’m currently interviewing for jobs. While I know nowhere worth working for would care about visible medical devices, I’m self-conscious about them and would feel better if I could cover them. (I’m still using plastic splints, and they’re very obviously medical. I’ll probably be able to switch to somewhat more appealing metal ones once I’ve been in treatment for longer, but at the moment, my finger size is still stabilizing.)
Anonymous
maybe look for sun gloves? I have something like this for when i’m driving –
https://www.amazon.com/Maxdot-Sunblock-Fingerless-Non-slip-Protection/dp/B07PM23XPK/ref=sr_1_3?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.zb7j8_b8I3sCSdSDgolDKEHJXt-x_gWAtdLwP-NIP1te5j3aLGox-w7XhELznN9AA4Vop4pmJuI20rp4BhXTBgxtrxOr0zFcc5jFvFFGhq0sD-ZltQXKyKaJ5XJtbsknGSEi3atppiQnHcB4UlYzl5HW8OZutvllXUPtComBBDhfKrKLGen4H3Rs_ZclT1zmOEsvPpT-Zznu6WiyNTOKDCtsLEIdwX9NlEvPZ5FdfsbvETIYcYdvdH96tdY4ztJI8yf7rz-vITlIP8h0QQ6qaHyy-WxWOUldhCjvCRI5xQo.TBJ9fIzNWKlDGbLQqXai37J4LroJl6VHNYF5egVTAqM&dib_tag=se&keywords=sun+gloves&qid=1707931313&sr=8-3-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1
Anon
It’s understandable that you feel self conscious! I am not sure that I would feel more comfortable wearing gloves to an interview vs. splints (which seem more self-explanatory, and I feel injury is often less stigmatized than other health issues).
Anon
Yes, I’m thinking wearing gloves over splints would look really weird.
Anonymous
Same. Visible medical devices are a good signal to the employer not to discriminate. The gloves will hide that signal and invite unnecessary and undesirable speculation, conscious or unconscious. Just wear the splints and let people assume you had a sports accident or something. If they are halfway intelligent they will pretend they don’t even notice, and they certainly won’t ask.
Amelia
This is a good point. I did my post grad school interviews with an injury on my lower arm and wore a very obvious medical covering on it, and no one said a word or even looked at it twice.
The bandaging came in a lot of colors and had to be changed regularly so in normal life I matched it with my clothes but for interviews I did black or tan.
anon
+1. I’d just wear the splints, as the gloves will stick out more. Years ago I had a bad ankle sprain in the days before you could wear flats to court. My male boss was like just wrap it, let that be visible and no one said a thing about the flats – no different than if I had to wear sneakers to court (which he also suggested). I say all of this to say that sometimes the camouflaged only makes it worse and you just need to own it.
Cat
Check out “liner gloves” for a stretchy slim fit. I love these https://www.rei.com/product/194830/rei-co-op-liner-gloves-20 but these (https://www.rei.com/product/193196/icebreaker-260-tech-liner-gloves) don’t have such a visible logo.
Anonymous
what are your favorite flowers to buy that don’t droop instantly? i’ve had bad luck lately with roses and even my forced tulips. for the cut flowers i’m cutting them at an angle, changing the water frequently.
Anon
Carnations, even though they are regarded as a poor man’s flower. They are hardy.
Hydrangeas — they also look good dried.
Cat
alstroemeria – easy to get 2 weeks out of them.
Anonymous
+1
When I get alstroemeria that are just buds, they last 10-12 days. If I get them in bloom, 5 days.
Anon
Hydrangeas
Anon
Consider a plant with variegated leaves rather than cut flowers.I like Firebrand Cordylines.
Cut flowers have huge amounts of pesticides and are horrible for the environment. https://www.cbc.ca/news/science/what-on-earth-flower-industry-plastic-1.6591837
Lily
Lillies.
Anon
Lisianthus. For me, the pure white last longer.
Traveler
Carnations are the longest lasting. Lilies, Gerbera are also really nice.
Are you adding food to the water? Food from the florist is the best, but even a little sugar in the water will help.
Jules
I like to buy flowering plants from Trader Joe’s or sometimes even the supermarket – you can get beautiful orchids, hydrangeas, gerberas and even calla lilies that last a long time, often for about the same price as cut flowers. I put them in a different pot than the cheap, foil-wrapped ones the come in.
Lexi
Hydrangeas!
Anon
I am a pretty boring dresser, in that I like to keep to a “uniform”. If I am not wearing a wrap dress of a shirtdress, I like to wear a column of colour (black trousers, black shell) with a blazer. I have some wonderful blazers in grey, white, red, and black. I am looking at getting some funkier blazers, possibly with embroidery or in fun patterns. Where would you look?
Anon
Consignment stores, high end ones, as then you can find better quality which makes a huge difference. Clothing quality has dropped so much in recent years and I regret getting rid of my older blazers when I went WFH.
Anon
Maybe Chico’s or Misook.
Anonymous
I buy the majority of my clothing second hand so I would look there.
Anon
Boden, specifically the Icon jacket.
Anon
J Crew often has cute ones.
Anon88
Help me sleep better! I recently moved from a quiet suburb to a downtown apartment. Love living downtown, but I got used to silence and keep getting woken up by noises outside and my stompy upstairs neighbor. Wondering how people feel about earplugs vs white noise and if anyone has any recommendations.
Anonymous
I always use white noise for this kind of thing. It does a great job of masking intermittent stuff. At home, I keep a fan running, because I like both the air movement and the noise. When I’m traveling, I use a white noise app.
Cb
I really like the white noise machine – I live rurally so it’s more likely to be the milkman and the annoying barn owl waking me up though.
Cat
Nothing better than a good old fashioned box fan for white noise!
Jules
I find it uncomfortable to sleep with earplugs, although there may be some newer designs that are better. I’d start with white noise; I have a small machine at home and use an app on my phone for travel. You can get a free version of the app to try. It has multiple sounds available – the purrring cat really startled one of my own, actual cats seveal years ago, and some are just weird (Grandfather clock? “Airplane travel?” “Crowded room?”); I like “gray noise” for sleeping.
ALT
The airplane one is one of my favorites! Something about that noise just knocks me out!
Anon
I sleep with earplugs every night and don’t find them uncomfortable; I find “white noise” to be too noisy.
Chl
I always sleep with ear plugs and like the loop ones. It takes a couple nights to get used to it but now I can’t sleep without them.