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Coffee Break: Centella Dress Pump

Oooh: hello there, pretty pump. I love the taupey brown color here — but the corset-lacing and tassels are also gorgeous. Amazon has the shoe in five colors and sizes from $37-$98; 6PM has it in three colors for $49-$59 (including that taupey brown), and Nordstrom does have it also, but only in red, for 45% off ($49). Jessica Simpson Women's Centella Dress Pump This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

244 Comments

  1. Lots of talk about people moving or starting over, for those who love to decorate, how do you do it when you start from scratch? How do you do that thing that changes a place someone lives in into someone’s home? Best decorating tips or websites for those on a budget?

    1. I wish there was an app where you could put in budget, size of space, existing situations (colors of cabinets, floors, etc.), and have an algorithm or someone who knows how to decorate populate a list of things to buy so that a place would feel like a home that’s personalized! I wish I had a friend I could pay to do that or who would enjoy it as a hobby… here’s the info of my rental, here’s my total budget, make me a list with links and I’ll just buy them and you tell me what to do with them!

    2. Houzz.com is great for getting ideas. They have about a million billion photos and you can search for really specific things like “narrow TV room” or “pink bathroom tile” and get some good ideas.

      Also ask around in your social circle because there are a lot of people who love that kind of thing and would get a kick out of helping you.

    3. I think it takes collecting special things you love over time, and can’t be done by a decorator or a visit to Home Goods. A gallery wall of photos of your family, a painting your friend made, an antique chair you had reupholstered in hot pink velvet, a huge beadwork bowl from your trip to South Africa, a family tartan throw or a persian rug you inherited – those are the things that personalize a home. I start the decor for a room around those things, and let them lead the process.

      If you’re on a budget, I think one of the best ways to display collections. For example, hanging a collection of antique keys on the wall, or displaying a collection of green glass bottles on a shelf or window sill. You can collect them cheaply at thrift stores and markets, but it feels personalized because you’ve put in the time to curate the collection.

    4. I agree with lawsuited. To the extent you can take your time on things, and get stuff you’ll love and be excited about, the place will feel like home. You’ll also actually be more comfortable — we dragged our feet forever on buying a coffee table, and but when we did we got one that made sense with the space and worked for how we wanted to use it (for $9 at the thrift store!) and it’s delightful. The feeling of walking into your house and going like, “yeap, this is my place” is so great, but it takes time to build that.

      In terms of inspiration, I have a Moroccan rug and a embroidered piece I bought in Lao hung on the walls like tapestries in different rooms — they warm the place right up, and set the color-scheme for the room. Things like that are a great way to get started.

      Budget-wise, depending on where you live there might be a great vintage/antique/thrift market for furniture. If you’re a great DIY-er, you can refinish or repaint or reupholster things.

    5. Printed pictures and rugs make a room feel more complete to me almost immediately. The photos don’t even really have to be on the wall; frames on any flat surface work. Like others have said, the rest takes time.

      Rugs can be a bit on the expensive side for quality though. If you have a costco membership, I have noticed that they sell rugs but haven’t noticed prices or quality because I haven’t been in the market for a rug since I got a membership. Generally they have reasonable prices and good stuff though so it’s worth a look if you have a membership.

    6. I completely redecorated my apartment 2 years ago. When I initially moved in, I did too much at once. I wish I hadn’t committed to all the art, furniture, etc so quickly. For example, I bought my kitchen chairs before moving in and they ended up being really uncomfortable so I had to replace them. Take your time and choose things that really work for your space and personality! Also, Etsy and Apartment Therapy are huge helps for me.

    7. I start with a central piece, for example with my last move I decided to buy furniture that I’ve been lusting over. I started with a navy blue tufted sofa and only added pieces that I absolutely couldn’t imagine living without. In my area, there is a huge antique sale every month so I scoured until I found the perfect accessories (lamps, ottomans, art etc.). It took a few months but you really only need a mattress when you move without any furniture. I’m a frequent HomeGoods and TJMaxx shopper as they get lots of designer items weekly. Sites I use for inspiration: HD Buttercup, Copy Cat Chic, One Kings Lane, A Cup of Jo and Pinterest. It takes a bit of diligence and patience, but you end up with a living space that you love!

  2. Apologies if this has been discussed before, but I’d love to hear about the fit of MM LaFleur. I like their look (although I am agnostic as to machine wash-ability), but I would rather not place a big order if I don’t have the right shape for their line. I’m 5-4 (usually a petite in pants), a busty size 8 on top, and a hip-y, Buddha-bellied size 10 or 12 on bottom (at least in clothing from Banana, AT and Talbots). Sort of an hourglass-turned-pear, with apple stomach. Will their stuff look good on me, or should I try some other brand? TIA!

    1. I’m a short busty apple. I didn’t find their sheath dresses to be particularly flattering but the fit and flares worked better for me. I also liked the slim fit pants and the white button down top – I forget the names.

    2. I think you really need to try stuff on. If you click around their website, they show lots of people of various sizes in their clothes.

      I’m a pear, so some pieces look tragic on me but some were just A+. I sized way up — 4P top in BR; 6 bottom and I am an 8 in their Etsuko dress (which I love, which I have two of and could get a third but that seems to be overdoing it).

      Their ruched / draped dress was something that I loved and I just couldn’t carry it off. If there isn’t a store/popup near you, I’d just really talk to a stylist on the phone and see if you can get a sense of your measurements vs their clothes and place an order. You can always return it.

    3. Agree that you should try a lot of pieces on and send back what doesn’t work. If you do a Bento, your first one is free even if you send all the pieces back. After that, just order individual pieces and send them back if they don’t fit– free shipping, free returns.

      I am not a pear and found the Nisa dress to be beautiful but too roomy in the hips– maybe it would be good on a pear. You might like the Annie, which has a fuller skirt. They also do a lot of separates that can be worn to look like a dress, so you could mix sizes. The slim fit pants mentioned above are probably the Foster pant, which I adore.

  3. Yesterday, someone posted about whether they can allergen-proof their home when they have a cat. They didn’t get lots of information but most said it was a lost cause. What if there’s no real choice? If you’re staying with someone who has a cat but who has agreed to keep the cat in their huge master bedroom or finished basement or otherwise away from where you would be sleeping or being, what can be done to help someone with allergies? Or is it just a lost cause?

    1. nothing besides massive amounts of antihistamine, at least for me, and they probably wouldn’t cut it. I could never live anywhere near a cat because I’m so allergic.

    2. If you have very serious allergies, you can’t live with a cat. When I was in elementary school my asthma was so severe that if I went to a home with a cat I had an immediate reaction (even if the cat was kept in a different room and the house had been thoroughly cleaned before my arrival) and if I tried to stick it out I would end up needing to go to the ER. Thankfully I grew out of it. But it all depends on the severity of the allergies. Some people can deal with a runny nose and watery eyes, other people will end up not being able to breathe.

    3. Our daughter has a cat allergy and my MIL has a cat. When we visit, daily vacuuming (has all hardwood floors) and daughter on medication (Claritin) keeps it under control. Depends on the severity of the allergy.

    4. Depends on your allergy and on the cat. As long as your personal space, where you sit and where you sleep, never has the cat in the space, it works sometimes. I was in this situation for a year, and while it wasn’t ideal, I managed. The house was vacuumed thoroughly every week, and there was no carpet anywhere in the house, so that probably helped.

      1. I should clarify – every fabric surface in the house was vacuumed every week – sofa, chairs, curtains.

    5. It’s possible. I have 2 cats and am severely allergic, and also have asthma (developed the allergy after I got the cats, and didn’t want to give them up).

      Here’s what I have done, on the advice of my allergist: very minimal carpeting/upholstery/fabric in the home and what I do have is very flat so to speak–no thick pile; hardwood floors otherwise which are vacuumed and mopped weekly (more often if there’s visible fur around that they’ve shed); vacuum upholstery/carpets/fabrics every week and lint roller in between; wash the fabrics that are washable in hot water as often as possible (bed linens, including bedspread, weekly; other things like throw blankets, curtains, etc. less often). I dust all home surfaces every week and use a vacuum with a special filter and bag that blocks the allergens from escaping once they’ve been vacuumed up. The cats sleep on the couch and armchair overnight so I put down an old towel on each before going to bed, which keeps the vacuum/lint roller maintenance easier. I also have the dust mite covers for my pillows and mattress. When I pet the cats, I wash my hands immediately after and don’t touch my face until I’ve done so.

      I did get allergy shots a few years back, but they’re wearing off and I’m still ok. Before I did all these things, I had to take Zyrtec daily and was on a controller medication for my asthma, but I don’t have to take either anymore. I also have a couple friends who visit regularly who are severely allergic to cats, and they are ok. I just deep clean the guest room before they come and close the door so the cats can’t get in there and shed on stuff.

      It’s sort of an involved routine but most of it I would do anyway as part of my normal cleaning. For me it is worth the trade-off so I can keep my cats without getting sick.

    6. This is not within the owner’s control, but the particular cat can make a difference. BF has allergies and asthma, but the reaction differs in severity from one cat to the next. We have stopped visiting one friend completely, as only few hours in their house lead to red eyes and coughing for days. Other friends’ cats seem to be less of a problem, and he can stay over for days, while taking antihistamine/inhaler.

    7. A friend who is severely allergic has a roommate with cats who don’t leave her room. The roommate has a filter in her room (a free standing one like this one I think http://www.houzz.com/photos/38593213/GermGuardian-Pet-Pure-HEPA-Air-Purifier-System-UV-Santizer-and-Odor-Reduction-contemporary-air-purifiers) and they change the filter in the home HVAC system every 3 months.

      If the cat has previously been in the room that the allergic person is going to be sleeping in, in addition to cleaning it thoroughly the home owner can put allergy covers on the mattress and pillows (like this https://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/bedcare-trade-by-national-allergy-reg-cotton-allergy-mattress-protector-in-white/3279301?Keyword=mattress+allergy+covers).

      That might work, but it depends on the cat and the allergy sufferer.

        1. Probably not much difference between that and someone having a cat in a small studio apartment or “tiny house.”

    8. Just don’t do what my mother does – lets the cats sleep on the guest bed and when I come to visit, changes the top pillowcase. I picked up the pillow to find a cat-shaped pad of fur underneath.

    10. I adopted a cat and only found out 2 years after that I have severe allergy to cats. Long story cut short, I left the cat with at my parents home and moved to a different place. The pet dander is in the air, in the dust, in the caroets, even on the walls. My mom is a clean-freak (vacums and wet sweeps floors 3x day) and does a thourough cleaning before I come to visit. I can survive a week-long visit if and only if – the place has been deep cleaned (a huge burden on my mom), no carpet in the room I will sleep, clean cushions and bed sheets (washed at high temp), we keep windows open all the time, the cat cannot lick/bite/scratch me and be in my room (to minimize contact with allergen) AND I take my meds – Flonase spray (start using one week before visit and continue during and after the visit) and Allegra/fexofenadine tabs (during my stay). I also try to go out every 4-5 hrs to get fresh air (brisk walk or run). Would I be able to keep this regime if I lived with my parents? No. Am I willing to do this 1x quarter? Absolutely.
      Based on my experience (when my allergies led to series of sinus infections), I would not recommend living with a pet if you have a known allergy.

    11. I have very mild cat allergies and the combo of air filters and roomba works for me. It’d be different if they were severe though.

  4. What do you recall being the hardest time in your life and how did you get through it?

    1. Hardest part of my life was the time I was 17 till I was 20. I cannot express how sad I was and I don’t want to write it here.

      The way I got through it was I had an imaginary world where the problems I had just didn’t exist. I spent most part of my day just day dreaming because reality was just too harsh for me. I chose the most important things I had to do in order to make my life better (which was studying and getting into a good college and then working towards my degree) and focused my energy on that. So I was either studying or day dreaming.

      I don’t think it is the best way to handle the situation, but at that time without any support from any one (like no access to therapists, parents didn’t take my problems seriously), my mind did whatever it could do to cope with the situation.

      1. A family member around this age is currently experiencing exactly what you’re describing, and it’s heartbreaking. Anything in particular that helped you get out of that situation at age 20? This family member in particular is not a good student (and never has been) so focusing on studying and getting into a good college is not a motivating or realistic factor for them. I guess I’m just looking for any specific habits or words of wisdom from having survived that part of y our life?

        1. Some hobby/activity/outlet that allows a complete escape that can force you to stop thinking.

          Music/playing an instrument/singing with a group

          Running/soccer/something physical

    2. I’ve been divorced twice and that was awful (how did I get through that? “the only way out is through”) but the hardest time in my life was when my elderly parents both had health crises at the same time and I had to find them a new place to live while wrangling Dad in a hospital 75 miles from my house, Mom in a nursing home 50 miles from my house and not on the way to the hospital, my job, and a new relationship with my now-husband. It was beyond horrible and it went on for months.

      I got through it by just putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needed to be done, one step at a time. And mercifully, my son had just gotten out of the Marine Corps and was living with me and available to help, and that was what really saved me. If I’d had to do it alone I don’t know what I would have done.

    3. End of a LTR, basically a broken engagement. Got through it by establishing time fillers. A few friends really stepped up and essentially let me tag along with everything. I rediscovered dropped hobbies and developed some new ones (the community college was great with that). Lots of exercise time, which was a great way to kill time and burn off angst. I essentially needed to build a new routine.

      Thinking about other stressful times – even those coming about through happy but major changes – I also primarily dealt by establishing new routines.

    4. Yay Kat! I was looking for Red Pumps like this and will go IMMEDIATELEY to NORDSTROM’s website to get a pair . I hope they have size 6.

      As for the OP, the hardest thing I ever had to do was to tell Dad I did not get a job in BIGLAW after I graduated from school. He was CONVINCED that I should have gotten a job in BIG LAW, in DC at least b/c he knew people and I was just below the top 1/2 of the class. But I did NOT and he was mad, both at them and at me. So after workeing serving subpeenies, I did get a good law job where I worked my tuchus off and made partner after 5+ years. I did NOT even know what WC law was when I graduated, but now am an expert! Dad is VERY proud of me and he negotiatted my partnership agreement for me. So even the worst turn ed out OD for all of us. YAY!!!!!!

    5. Option 1: the time I was in my mid 20s, working full time and in school full time, and my husband decided to quit his job during the peak of the recession so he could “find himself” and spent the next 9 months doing nothing while I supported us on a salary of $25,000. I handled it with a mixture of therapy, taking long walks through the woods while sobbing angrily, venting to friends, and eventually saying “if you don’t get your act together, I’m done.” He got his act together.

      Option 2: growing up in rural Alabama with an alcoholic, drug addicted father, a grandfather with Alzheimer’s, and a harsh and angry Catholic mother who home-schooled me and my sister. I had severe anxiety (wonder why) and got through it by praying a lot and throwing myself into church events.

      Option 3: taking care of my friend’s dying mother and all of her affairs while she was away getting medical treatment. I got through it by being a harpy to my husband, drinking a lot, leaning heavily on a dear friend, and excessive online shopping.

      My life is wonderful at the moment, though. I’m stronger and better and more compassionate having gone through those experiences. I’m more grateful for good and happy times because I have had so many hard times.

    6. The hardest time of my life was losing my first husband 7 years ago and getting through 5 lonely years until I met and married my sweetie. I got through it because of my faith and my church community.

    7. For me, there were two times. One was when my mom died, after a six month illness, when I was 24 (and just a year after we had lost my maternal grandmother). I had just started my second grad degree and I ended up dropping all but one of my courses. I kept my part-time job and I was living with my brother. He and I were struggling with our own grief while supporting our dad, who was devastated and lonely and pretty much at-sea living by himself for the first time in his life. I just let myself live with the grief and did all I could and the fog lifted after about six months. I had a great job with wonderful colleagues, so that helped, and lots of family support.

      The second was when my marriage fell apart right when we returned to New Orleans after Katrina. Moving home after the major renovation by myself, in a city that was sparsely populated, was really, really hard. I took Ambien to sleep and, as Senior Attorney mentioned, I got through by putting one foot in front of the other and focusing on pulling my own life together. Eventually, I became so comfortable living alone that I prefer it. But it took a long time to get there. I also saw a therapist that year, which really helped. My now ex threw a lot of accusations at me and I wanted to work through that stuff to figure out if it was true and if I could avoid bad patterns in my relationships.

    8. When I followed my husband’s career to a small city where we knew nobody and left a job I liked and was good at for a new job that turned out to be terrible in just about every possible way (boring work, nasty people, very long hours etc.). I don’t really think I handled it very well. I was miserable and kind of a b!tch to everyone around me for a year. The best decision I made was to leave that job, even though it involved a career change and a big pay cut and a lot of judgment from people in my life who didn’t appreciate how miserable I was. I think that was a pretty brave move and I’m so glad I did it – I got a new job I enjoy and finally had enough free time to make friends and reclaim a life outside of work. I didn’t know it at the time but I realize now that the toxic job had actually made me depressed and you really can’t put a price on your mental health.

    9. Probably early/mid high school. I was navigating newly divorced parents, one of whom was emotionally immature and drama-prone, the other with anger and substance abuse problems. I was self-harming because I felt so much pressure to keep it together for everyone else in my life (including a vulnerable younger sibling) that I couldn’t figure out how to take out my problems anywhere other than on myself.

      I eventually got through it by forming really strong friendships, throwing myself into school, and entering a very healthy relationship with a person who wasn’t freaked out by the self-harm and encouraged me to talk about my problems instead of hurting myself. It also helped that my angry and substance-abusing parent sought their own therapy and became way more stable and less stressful for me to be around.

    10. Looking back is funny for me because I have no doubt I felt like I was going to through the worst time of my life in the moment, but I can’t summon up the memory of what it felt like now (if that makes sense). I would say these qualify as some of the worst times:

      – All consuming depression and anxiety, plus suicide attempt in my mid 20s
      – Sexual harassment and assault in HS by managers at the store where I worked
      – Rape in college (one that I distinctly remember, several other instances where I may have “consented” but was actually too drunk to do so)
      – Years of black out drunk nights because of all the above

      Therapy. Therapy and medicine. More therapy. Didn’t get to the point where I felt like I was doing really well until about 4 or 5 years ago.

    11. Last winter. Trying to graduate law school, INCREDIBLY sick (puking 5-1o times a day for months, passing out from weakness/hunger), on IV antibiotics that were 3 hours a day 3 days a week and an hour a day 7 days of week, my law school clinic was hell, my mentor left my internship and I had a terrible time with that, no job, and I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship. I just put one foot in front of the other and gave up on everything that didn’t HAVE to be done. Stopped being there for everyone, threw money at problems (drove to school and paid $10 a day to park for 2.5 months because I puked on the bus exactly once and decided that was done), ate the same things almost every day, and just did my best to get through it. Let myself cry a lot. Slept when and where I could, including on the floor of the library under a table and curled up in the back of my car. Therapy. Made it through.

        1. I’m so sorry. I just read a little about it and it sounds very difficult. Hugs to you.

    12. This time last year. My husband was hospitalized for wanting to end his own life, having a plan in place and being a moment away from acting on it in front of his family. He admitted that a medical “oops” was actually a suicide attempt a few months prior. I found out he had written notes. We have two small children at home. I work full-time. I told no one at work and negotiated our company’s largest deal to date. He was in the hospital for about eight weeks.

      I got through it because I had no other choice. I was his caregiver and responsible for keeping two children nourished and loved. I focused on what had to be done that day, and I did not think about the long-term. I alternately prayed and yelled at/turned away from my faith. After the kids went to bed, I let myself think. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I ran. I ate healthy. I saw my therapist. I accepted every offer of help. I trusted that things could get better. They did.

      1. How are you both doing now? That sounds awful and it sounds like you got through it the best you could.

        1. I didn’t think it was possible, but he is healthier now than he has been in years. Our marriage is strong, and we are renewing our wedding vows this summer.

          3. I’m late to this, but wow! Congratulations and best of luck in the future!

    13. 1) My parents divorce when I was 13. It was ugly, neither parent handled it well, and I ended up having to take care of my 2 younger siblings most of the time. I would get them off the bus, get them started on homework, make dinner, put us all to bed. My mother was incredibly depressed during this time and was either gone until late at night or passed out. Which probably contributed to my second hardest time below.
      2) Finishing high school with a baby, then college and law school with a toddler/pre-schooler and as a single mother.
      3) After I had been practicing for about 6 years (and now married with 2 more children), my mother got diagnosed with cancer and needed treatment in a different state. My siblings and I rotated a week at a time with her. It was incredibly stressful and hard to be away from my family, keep up with my work, and honestly spend that much time alone with my mother. Our relationship had not been good for many years and being with her again brought back all of the reasons why I left as soon as I could when I was a teenager. But we got through it and she is doing much better.

    14. I was injured in an accident, and almost died. And when I say “almost died,” I don’t mean “had a near miss but was fine.” I coded, had to be resuscitated, and was awake for virtually all of the time that they were working on me other than the actual time that I was in arrest. I was dying, and I knew it, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I didn’t have any permanent damage, but it took about 10 days to recover physically. What I wasn’t expecting was the psychological fallout – for 6 to 9 months afterward, I just couldn’t get away from it. My own mortality felt so imminent that I didn’t really know how to function. In retrospect, I suspect I likely had PTSD, but it didn’t occur to me that almost-but-not-quite dying was something I could get help for and I thought I just had to live with the inescapable memories and nighmares.

      I prayed a lot, but I also felt like God had not been with me in those horrible moments, so I spoke with the Virgin Mary, because I felt like I could feel her presence in a way that I couldn’t when it came to God. When my memories felt strong enough to drown me, I prayed for my patron saint (Michael the Archangel) to drive them back. I know it makes people uncomfortable when I tell them that I basically threw myself on my knees before Mary and the angels and begged for their help, but you know, in the end, I’m not a creature of pure reason, and I guess as a result of this, I’m no longer afraid to admit that.

      1. This will sound weird, but I kinda hope I meet you someday internet stranger.

        1. The Virgin and the saints (Saint Monica in particular) have gotten me through my worst times. I lost a baby at 20 weeks, held her in my arms before she died, then ended up in ICU myself, after crashing and requiring pretty severe intervention, although not to the extent that you did. Still, Mary was there for me. And they have been again since.

          1. I am so, so sorry for your loss. And I thank you for commenting, because I think people that don’t have a relationship to Mary and the saints think it sounds pretty nutty, so I’m glad there’s someone else here.

    15. Two times come to mind.
      1. Husband’s dad got killed in a car accident when we had been married less than two years. We had married young and I had been having serious misgivings about staying married; I felt like my life was over and I was too young for that. Then my FIL died and I got to find out what marriage REALLY is, in terms of supporting someone through something terrible that they did not cause and could not control. How I got through it: I put my own feelings aside as much as I could (wasn’t always successful) and tried to focus on getting my husband through it. (Overnight, he turned into a totally different person and in many ways he still is that different person, as I would expect.) Vented to friends. Rode my bike a lot. Tried to spend time alone when I needed to.

      Second time, after we’d been TTC for two years and I’d done five rounds of Clomid and still nothing. I was tired, I was sad, my friends kept getting pregnant instead of me, and I just wanted to give up on everything and go to sleep for a million years. I got through it because the next cycle, we did IUI and I got pregnant. And I haven’t slept since. :-)

      As someone else said, sometimes the only way over something is through it. Or, if you’re going through h#ll – keep going.

    16. First, let me express my admiration for all of you above – the strength that humans have, that capacity to endure and survive leaves me awestruck. Truly, you are all goddesses.

      I have posted about this recently, but my life was pretty blemish free until my only child was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism and my life as I imagined it came to an end. As the famous essay says, I got on a plane to Italy and ended up in Holland. I have coped with therapy, just letting myself cry when I need to, learning Dutch and above all, learning to accept help from people that love me.

      There is a line in the Wally Lamb masterpiece She’s Come Undone that I recite often – “Accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love.” A million times yes.

    17. Agree with never too many shoes that these stories are inspiring. First worst time was 5.5 years ago, after a breakup that I thought would be the relationship that lasted the rest of my life. I barely made it through and it was only through the support of friends and family that I was able to get to the next chapter of my life. Second worst time is probably now, in my late 30s, and desperate to be a mom but no idea how/when to make that happen. I have a potential route for it, but it will involve seriously disrupting my life (giving up my job that I love, selling my house, and leaving friends and family behind to live in a city I don’t particularly care for and a job that is undoubtedly a step down) OR pulling the plug on current rel’ship and just doing it the single mother by choice route. Neither option is appealing, and the worst part is that every day that passes makes me feel like I am yet another step closer to losing my dream, as time goes on and I get closer to secondary infertility. So in that sense, “the only way out is through,” which I’ve relied on previously, does me no good.

      1. I’m in a very similar situation to you (late 30s, considering pulling the plug on relationship and doing the single mother by choice route but also feeling so sad about having to go that route). No advice, just hugs. It’s hard.

    18. My parents got divorced when I was 22, having had a super icy and non-loving relationship for most of my childhood / teenage years.

      I told anyone who asked about it that I was fine with it, it was for the best, and that I was an adult and could understand. I had just moved to a new city for my first real job.

      I threw myself into work obsessively. I was at a company where it was easy to do 70 hours of work per week if you wanted to. My father and I had always been close but I stopped speaking to him entirely. It eventually came out that he had been having a long-term affair, and married his mistress shortly after their divorce. My mother and I had always had personality conflicts but now I became her main sounding board for complaining about my father.

      I eventually became very depressed and a borderline alcoholic – literally walking straight to the liquor cabinet every day after work and having a few strong cocktails to “unwind”; getting very drunk on weekends. I also self-medicated with food and gained 40 pounds over the course of a year.

      So, for a long time, my method of “getting through it” was alcohol and food. Finally, I realized how miserable I was and basically just ran away. I quit my job, moved to Florida, and spent the summer working at Disney World. That job was physically and mentally exhausting enough that I would just fall into bed every night – no room for booze or self-loathing. Then I got a job on a Disney cruise ship for six months – same deal.

      Eventually I wound up getting therapy and now I have a corporate job and am much healthier mentally. (Although tbh I sometimes fantasize about going back to Disney work.) Whenever people say, “You can’t run from your problems!” I often think “Sure you can! You’ll have to deal with them eventually but sometimes you need to get away in order to get to a place where you can deal with them.”

    19. Thank you to everyone who shared. This is a really cool community full of people who have been through and are going through all sorts of things.

      1. Agreed! I’ve been in a funk the past since this weekend and reading these have not only been inspiring but reassuring that and I will get through it (and that things could be and have been much worse).

        :)

  5. When you visit a friend in their apartment/rental, what do you expect in the guest room? I want to make sure mine has all it needs but don’t want to spend money on things no one actually cares about

    1. “Expect”? A bed and sheets on the bed. Preferably blankets in the winter, a fan in the summer.
      What’s nice? Towels.
      Also nice: coffee, cream/milk, sugar options.
      Personally, I have mini toothpaste, mini mouth wash (single-use) and unopened toothbrushes in the guest bathroom, just in case people need it.

      1. +1. Some way to get more hot or cold when I’m sleeping, and a freshly washed set of towels. Hopefully somewhere to plug in my phone, and a place to set a glass of water.

        I get annoyed if there’s not coffee and/or a plan to get some fairly quickly in the morning, but not enough to ever say anything about it.

        If you have some basic toiletries that I may have forgotten or been a pain to bring, like a hair dryer and toothpaste, that is a bonus, but not expected in the least.

    2. For me, must haves are clean sheets, enough pillows, and bath towels.

      Extras that would be nice but not required are a nightlight (if not in the bedroom then the hallway for midnight bathroom breaks) and a white noise machine.

    3. Expect? Pretty much just a bed, mattress, clean sheets and a clean towel.
      Nice to have? Cute decor, fresh flowers, some reading material, info about the wi-fi password. Personal touches like my preferred bath products or a photo of me and the friend I’m visiting are super, super nice but definitely not expected.

      1. “my preferred bath products or a photo of me and the friend I’m visiting” made me LOL.

      3. Oh my. If I got there and the guest room had a framed photo of me and my host in it I would be too weirded out.

    4. Bed, clean sheets, a blanket or two, and a towel. Coffee in the kitchen. This isn’t something to overthink :)

    5. As an adult, I anticipate having a bed, bedding, and a towel. I also assume that a simple breakfast and coffee/tea will be available for me to make or share.

      I don’t expect – or use when available – things like toiletries in a guest bathroom.

      1. What if there is not guest bath and you are sharing with children? Grownup toiletries and a travel toothpaste? Moderately coralled bath toys?

        OMG — you want the key for the lock on the bathroom door (I will show you where it is).

    6. I have all of the following in our guest rooms (including the above beyond category). We live internationally from most of our guests. Most of our guests are jet legged and have traveled a long way. Which is one reason we have so much for them in their to do (like books) in case they wake up at 3 am and food in case they wake up at 3 am and are starving. We also don’t have a TV and don’t get a newspaper, so I find that this is a huge change for some of our guests so the books help with that.

      We also have had over 60 people stay with us in 2 years…so I am very very used to the guest room thing. Its set up all the time ready to go.

      Expect:
      Bed
      Clean Towel
      Clean Sheets
      Clean Bathroom
      A plunger/Toilet Brush in the bathroom (because no one wants to ask for that!)
      Access to their internet

      Nice:
      Basic Toiletries in guest bathroom (shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste)
      Trash bin in the room
      Internet Passcode written out
      Alarm Clock in the room
      Water/Cup in the room
      Extra Blankets
      A suitcase rack
      Kleenex in Room
      Mirror in Room
      Access to a hair dryer
      Extra Phone Chargers
      If international converters for outlets

      Above beyond:
      Tea/Coffee in the room
      Snacks like a granola bar
      Reading Material/Crossword
      Reading/Bedside Lamp
      Allergenic pillows (not everyone sleeps well on down)
      Advice on what to do in the area
      Extra sample sizes of toiletries like new toothbrush, razors, melatonin, Tylenol, hand lotion, hair bands etc
      Noise Machine
      Ask what they like stocked for breakfast
      Access to hair curler/straightener
      Slippers
      Paper and Writing utensil in the room

      Other Safety things:
      Tell them where a flashlight
      Tell them where a first aid kit is
      Tell them what to do in case of fire/earthquake etc

      1. I would agree to this and add a ‘nice to have’ almost bordering on ‘expect’ depending on if it’s a true guest stay (vs. crashing on the couch) is curtains. Unfurnished windows in your guest room may have your guests waking up at 6am (either from brightness or heat) even if they are late sleepers.

        Any other pertinent information – can you share your wifi password? Does the shower have a not obvious way of switching from bath (especially for international visitors)? Do you set the alarm at night such that an open window would trigger it? Ask me how I know about all of these, including a curtainless room.

        1. Also sleep in your guest room!

          Find out if the bed is really comfortable, if it is quiet or if the alarm makes a weird buzzing noise, if the curtains are dark enough, if you can actually walk around the bed, etc.

        2. Just replying here to highlight WIFI PASSWORD. I am surprised only one person has mentioned it. It is so nice to just have it on a post-it or whatever so you can get connected straight away.

      2. Also extra house keys are a huge bonus!

        If they are coming internationally its nice to remind them to write down your address so when they have to fill out the arrival card they actually know what to write in it.

      4. LLY!! Thank you so much for the london recs. We did the Shoreditch street art tour and LOVED it. SO so so good.

    7. Wow I hope none of you are guests at my house. There’s the couch. Here’s a pillow and blanket.

      Most of our house guests are not invited, but relatives looking for a free hotel in the Bay Area.

      1. I wouldn’t expect the above if I knew the person I was staying with only had a couch for me to sleep on. I think the whole point of having guests is to make sure they’re comfortable, no matter what sleeping situation you have to offer them. And also letting people know in advance, so that if they hate sleeping on a couch or air mattress, they can make other arrangements.

      2. Yeah I don’t have a guest bed either. We recently had some friends with two kids visit. We gave them clean sheets to put on the couches (one kid per couch; one couch is in the office and the other is in the living room) and the air mattress (for the couple), pillows, a ton of blankets, a stack of towels, and the wifi password. I don’t keep extra toiletries. I did offer to go to the store and get whatever they’d prefer for breakfast before they arrived, but they told me not to put myself and out and went to the coffee shop across the street. I feel like we were pretty decent hosts.

      3. If the question has been “what do you provide your houseguests” my answer would have been “the website address for Airbnb.”

        We don’t let people stay with us anymore. It’s too disruptive to the household, especially if they’re planning to be there during the week when we’re working. (And even on the weekends, we have eight million chores to do and errands to run, and a schedule, so that’s not all that convenient either.) My life is nuts under normal circumstances. I can’t play Martha Stewart Magical Hostess to people AND work full-time-plus AND manage my kid and his umpteen activities AND run my household AND take care of my dog AND manage to say more than three words to my husband.

        A few years ago, one of my friends said – in response to something​ I said about needing to get a new mattress for our guest bed – “I don’t get staying with people. That’s why hotels were invented. We don’t have a guest room, and never will. People can get a hotel.” I thought that was an excellent point. We got rid of our guest bed and turned the guest room into an exercise room.

        I love my friends and family and love seeing them. But if we go visit, we stay in a hotel so we don’t inconvenience them, or we don’t go. There are tons of great options for paid lodging now, if someone wants to come see us.

        1. Good point. I don’t like having houseguests and I don’t like being a houseguest. Call me a curmudgeon if you must but I even stay in a hotel when I go back to my hometown to see my mom.

    8. Surface area to put toiletries and floor space for a suitcase. The surface area does not necessarily need to be in the bathroom. I recently stayed in an airbnb apartment and every inch of surface space had cutesy little knicknacks. Cute and all, but I need a place for my hairbrush, book, phone, etc. Also, hangers for clothes.

    9. And if you are a guest please help out your host by:
      Telling them of any allergies (to foods or scents)
      Emailing/texting them your flight number and arrival info
      Keeping them updated with your arrival time if plans change
      Communicating your needs- like “Hey, I drink coffee every morning, are you a coffee person? If not should I bring my French Press or is there a cafe nearby that I can run to get coffee at?”
      Communicating your expectations for the visit –
      – do you want to save money and eat in every night…then how should we divide cooking?
      -do you want to eat out?
      -do you need a tour guide of the city?
      -what activities should the host and you do together?
      -do you simply want to do your own thing and have a bed to crash on?

    10. The basics, of course, bed and towels.
      Also:
      some empty hangers in the closet
      instructions about where to leave / hang the wet towels.
      a trash can
      a mirror
      plug-ins that I can get access to (e.g., not behind beds or dressers).

      Really nice:
      a way to get the room really dark at night.
      A fan or some way to get the room cooled off

      1. oh yah! Nightlights on the way to the bathroom and in the bathroom are really nice if you are unfamiliar with the house.

      2. Outlets near the bed with a surface to put things on. I like access to my phone while it is charging and I also sleep with a cpap that has to be plugged in. I rarely have a problem with this as a guest in people’s houses but you would be surprised how many hotels do not have accessible plugs. In one hotel I needed to get an extension cord from the front desk for the cpap. They are so common now that I was surprised it wasn’t a regular request.

    11. We have a dedicated guest room and I always make sure we have:

      bed
      clean sheets
      clean towels on the dresser
      clean bathroom and extra toilet paper

      Depending on who’s visiting, I’ll have flavored creamer or the beer they like, but I’ve learned not to worry too much about it. I also like to have dinner at home on the night they arrive so I’ll plan for an easy but nice dinner. Most of our guests drive 5-9 hours so I want them to have a chance at some vegetables after (I assume) fast food on the road.

      1. HA! This made me LOL. I can offer only two cats but find felines to be the best comforts to house guests.

  6. Hoo boy Jessica Simpson. Tassels on pumps? Really? They’re just going to thwap at your ankles with every step.

    Also yipes at Kat pointing out “corset lacing” for what is ostensibly workwear. Good for you, maybe, but definitely not for me!

    1. I don’t think that the corset lacing is really a problem – I wouldn’t suggest talking about it as such, and I don’t think anyone’s going to see it as suggestive because it’s on your feet. But I agree that the tassel looks too fussy and out-there for most professional environments, and annoying to boot.

      1. Yeah, this is what I meant–I think the lacing detail (minus the bow and the tassel) would probably look nice on a different pair of shoes, but I wouldn’t call it “corset lacing.” My poorly worded comment was a reaction to what I saw as poor word choice from Kat. Thanks for the constructive reactions!

        1. I have a pair of block heels with the lacing detail up the back (but no tassel) and I think they look nice. I also was thinking of it as a corset lace-up in my head though.

    3. If “corset lacing” on SHOES is a problem where you work, I probably don’t even want to know how conservatively you have to dress. (To be fair, I do think the shoes are kind of tacky but the problem is definitely not that they are suggestive or risque in any way.)

      1. I guess I’ll have to get rid of the corset lacing on my sneakers then…but I don’t know how I’ll keep them on my feet.

    4. I see a clueless new hire straight out of college wearing these with a too-tight and too-short skirt.

    5. I think of corset lacing as criss-crossing, whereas these are laced straight across. Regardless, they are pretty plain pumps and I would have no problem seeing them on someone at work.

    6. I’d wear these to work. I think they’d be fine with an otherwise conservative outfit.

  7. Do you wear “socks” with your flats/heels? I’ve noticed that no matter what brand of shoes I wear and how much I paid for it, they all end up smelling. It’s so embarrassing! I have no problem with my workout shoes smelling and I have a ton of those and exercise extensively (Spartan Race, boxing, etc.), but obviously wear socks with them.

    I’ve found the tiny socks to be annoying and uncomfortable. I shower daily and regularly rotate my shoes, so that no one pair is being used several days in a row. I do have excessive sweating (wear prescription-strength deodorant), but it’s all under control medically. The foot thing is the only problem and I never take my shoes off (because of it), but I’d like to be able to.

    Is there some kind of powder or spray anyone has had success with? I haven’t asked anyone else because “help, my feet are super sweaty” is not a great conversation to have with aynone.

    1. This used to happen to me all the time until I discovered that I need to wear lining made of leather. The synthetic lining makes my feet super stinky and horrible. Once I switched over to leather lining only, problem vanished. I was stunned at the difference.

      Try Louis et Cie, AGL brands, and most higher end brands. Nordstrom and Zappos will tell you whether the lining is leather or synthetic.

    2. You could try putting antiperspirant on your feet to reduce the sweating. They make spray and roll-on versions. I haven’t tried that, but I do use a tea tree oil-based soap to wash my feet. I find that purposefully washing and drying my feet helps with the sweating.

      I also hate wearing the little socks. I use these charcoal liners by Dr. Scholl’s that seem to help.

    4. I wear knee-high socks that are made of sheer pantyhose material. I get mine at the drugstore.

    5. I did all the things.

      Leather only shoes, including liner. No more cheap shoes.

      Air out shoes well for a couple days between wears. Get out of shoes whenever possible. Wash feet as soon as get home.

      Impeccable foot care. Dry well between toes and then powder (to prevent any trace of fungus), moisturize etc.. as feet need to come out of shoes so they better look decent.

      Anti-fungal foot sprays/powder after wearing, after airing out. I also tried deodorant on the feet.

      Can’t wear socks with pumps/flats so wear more shoes that accommodate socks (ex. loafers).

      BUT nothing worked well. Nothing.

      UNTIL I was started on sprinolactone for my acne. Miracle. No longer needed prescription strength deodorant, foot smell stopped, my skin cleared up, my facial hairiness improved (!) and life is much better.

      1. Yep. I’ll wear socks with booties, but for flats and oxfords, a leather lining is a must.

        I wipe out the interior with rubbing alcohol, cheap vodka, or witch hazel and let air out for at least a day before wearing again.

        I started spiro about six weeks ago and have only seen a small decrease in body hair … here’s hoping those other great side effects show up too!

    6. I use Dr Scholl’s or gold bond foot powder. I mainly use it because I like my feet to have a little “slip” in my shoes, but it seems to prevent smelly shoes too, because I can smell my husband’s shoes across the room but my shoes pretty much smell like leather and rubber, even up close.

    7. I never wear socks with flats or heels. Genuine leather shoes make a huge difference, and if my feet are damp I’ll use Dr. Scholl’s spray.

    8. I started using liners in my shoes and it’s hugely helpful and I can Subscribe and Save via Amazon. Link below to avoid moderation.

    11. The best solution for me (I have bunions so my shoe options are already limited and I don’t want to limit them more by only buying leather) is to wear the liners and take my shoes off as much as possible.

      I ordered a bunch of different brands and types of liners to find what fit my foot best. Amazon has a ton of options and I worked my way through a bunch before finding the best one for me. Once I found a comfortable type, I ordered a lot of them.

      I make sure to wear one pair or shoes for commuting and a separate pair at the office. Then when I’m sitting at my desk, I slide my shoes off. I have a sit/stand desk and find it more comfortable to stand barefoot anyway. This way my shoes aren’t on long enough for my feet to really start sweating.

    12. This will sound strange but I promise, it works. Just take a plain old tea bag – black tea – and put one in each shoe over night for a few days. Works like a charm!

  8. I’m not saying you couldn’t wear this to work – it’s not like it would be a disaster. But I wouldn’t, it’s too flashy/clubby for my tastes. Maybe if it were either the high stiletto or the corset back instead of both…

    1. +1, some of the “workwear” items on this blog lately have definitely been inappropriate (or at least borderline inappropriate) for the conservative corporate dress code that many of us unfortunately need to follow :-/

      1. Conversely, many many more companies in North America are following less restrictive dress codes these days.

        2. +1

          There’s literally a suit of the week on this blog every week. I wear a suit twice a year at most and consequently haven’t bought a new one in 5 years. Most things on this blog will not be universally wearable in all offices.

    2. Yea, I could wear these to work, but I would rather rock them on the weekends and date night! I want the hot pink ones for exactly that purpose, but I stopped buying leather. Sad faces.

  9. A big thank you to whomever recommended trying Cotz Natural Tones physical sunscreen. After trying countless physical sunscreens, all of which left a whitish tint on my medium brown skin, Cotz is a winner! The sunscreen is tinted a medium brown, which is perfect for my complexion. Passing this along to any other brown complexioned ladies looking for a good physical sunscreen!

    http://www.ulta.com/face-natural-skin-tone-spf-40?productId=xlsImpprod4190153

  10. I think mine would either be Pacey Witter (Dawson’s Creek) or Jackson Avery (Grey’s Anatomy). Though Jesse from Full House would be up there on the list, as would Paul Rudd in basically every movie he’s ever been in.

    1. Tom Branson. Caring, progressive, loves his family fiercely but isn’t afraid to call them on their BS either.

    3. Joel from Parenthood (at least for the first four seasons before he became a jerk).

    4. Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec. My husband is a lot like him, including liking nerdy tabletop games and potentially wanting to run for office one day.

      3. Yes! My husband is the Ben to my Leslie.

        The question also reminded me that I had a huge crush as a teenager on Fox Mulder. Glad I aged out of that one.

        1. I still have a bit of a crush on Mulder (and present-day David Duchovny, if I’m being honest)…I know he’s gross in real life, but ugh so cute.

  11. Anyone feel like shopping? I’m looking for shoes to wear at my wedding, hopefully also at anniversaries and special occasions afterwards. I’d love to be under $350ish, under a 3 inch heel, comfortable, and beautiful. I’ll probably look for a gold color- my dress is ivory and I’ll be wearing gold jewelry, but I’m open to blue or green maybe, as that might increase the wearability afterwards. I’m liking the Jimmy Choo Romy kitten heel but its out of my price range, and maybe also the Kate Spade Sala in navy, but I’m a little Kate Spade-d out- it’s too twee for me, most days (thats another comment for another day)

    1. Have you checked out Badgley Mischka? I wore a pair (3.5″ d’orsay pumps) for my wedding a few years ago (and for special occasions since then), and I love them – they are elegant, yet comfortable. Nordstrom has a pretty large selection of BM pumps that meet your criteria.

    2. Wanted to chime in because I just went through this! I got married in October and was set on emerald green heels but had a lot of trouble finding any in the exact color I wanted. I ended up using a website called My Glass Slipper. They dye designer shoes. I was super nervous to use them because there are hardly any reviews and I wasn’t sure if dyeing expensive shoes was a good idea. But I went for it (Badgley Mischka Pearson) and they came out GORGEOUS. I did the “try and dye” option so I could try the shoes on in my size first before they dyed them, and I ordered some color swatches to be sure I liked the color. It was totally worth the little bit extra expense.

    3. Depending on your time frame, most designer shoes like Jimmy Choo will drop down to 350-450 when they go on sale. Just stalk a few that you like with Shoptagr.

    4. I found perfect Jimmy Choos that sound a lot like what you are looking for on the sale shelf at Kleinfeld. $275 with the $995 price tag still on the bottom of the shoe. Keep stalking the sales!

      1. Try Googling Stuart Wetzman gold shoes or gold pumps. They have lovely evening shoes.

  12. I went to an Orangetheory class for the first time this morning (my “freebie”) and OMG you guys. I have been a lazy bum for months now. Seriously sedentary. And I’ve gained weight because of it (shocker).

    My thoughts:
    A) Super hard
    B) Fun
    C) I. Am. Exhausted. I am not an early riser but this might do it for me. I just need to get used to the schedule, right? I won’t always be so tired, right?
    D) I joined. Unlimited plan.
    E) Happy 36th Bday to me (tomorrow!)!

    – New Tampanian

    1. Go for it. I am also slowly getting back into exercise after being sedentary for a while

    2. I really, really like Orangetheory because I love feeling super tired like that! Congrats on going, and now go do it again! And happy birthday!

    3. Glad you enjoyed it! One of my friends from barre loved Orangetheory and I’ve been meaning to check it out–thanks for the reminder. As a veteran early-morning exerciser, yes, you will adjust to the schedule–you just have to make sure you adjust your bedtime accordingly.

    5. Welcome to the club!

      My mom keeps referring to Orangetheory as “your orangetherapy”.

  14. I got gel nails done 4 days ago and one of them already came off. The salon has a 2 week guarantee so I needed to make an appointment to go back today and get it fixed. Do I still need to tip?

  15. Wondering if I gave the right advice to someone who asked for my opinion today. A young man from my alma mater has been accepted to grad school in the U.S for this upcoming Fall. and has also been offered an unpaid internship at a company where he lives now, which I will call Country X (not in North America). The internship would be something to do as he waits to start grad school in the Fall. But it’s unpaid so initially he had decided not to take it. I asked him to reconsider, it’s something directly related to his current degree and what he will be doing in grad school. The big “IF” is the unpaid part, I know this is not the norm in North America, but it happens in Country X because unemployment is high and sometimes new grads also don’t know their rights or labor laws. I’m also from Country X and did some unpaid work after undergrad, partly to get some experience and also because the alternative was to stay home and do nothing. But for me it wasn’t too difficult because the work was in the Capital City, which is where most businesses are and also where I’m from.

    But for this guy, taking the internship is difficult because he would have to move to the Capital City for 2 months, which is away from his hometown, this is an issue because of the costs involved. My advice to him was to consider asking the company if they could provide some kind of daily allowance. In asking for this I told him to explain his situation along with reiterating the skills he is bringing to the table and see what they say. Also my thinking is they also see some value in this person, otherwise why offer an internship? FWIW I asked around abit and learned that some companies do pay for internships and most people agreed that unpaid ones are exploitative especially when they are global brands. In this case the company offering this opportunity is a well known global brand. My concern is whether this advice is asking someone to push too much out of their comfort zone i.e. alternatively he could say nothing and just let this go and just wait to join grad school in the Fall.

    1. I think it’s up to him to evaluate your advice and make the decision. It’s not up to you or us to decide what’s best for him.

      1. The last part I know, was not trying to make a decision on his behalf or to get him to do anything he doesn’t want to. I asked this question, because someone else had said to reject the internship outright because it’s unpaid. Just trying to get an alternative viewpoint because I do get asked for advice from other younger alumni from time to time, so for me it’s also somewhat a learning experience being a mentor to others.

  16. So… I’m going to a company volleyball tournament this Sunday. I don’t play volleyball, and I’m pretty accident prone. Any tips/tricks?
    (I’m a 23 year old female at an engineering firm if that affects your answer)

    1. Don’t break a finger. So easy to do. Use a “bump” or “spike” technique to hit the ball…. no “setting”. Look online. Hand in a fist or two hands together in fist wrapped around each other.

      When you get there, practice doing an underhand serve. It is the one time in the game where you are by yourself with the ball, everyone is watching you, and you need to get it over the net. Ugh.

      Look online how to do these things.

      And just cheer everyone on your team on at all times….. Nice try John!!! Great shot Susie!!!

      Then they will remember you being fun and enthusiastic and no one will remember how you played.

      1. And this should go without saying, but when you make a fist, the thumb goes on the outside. Thumb inside is asking for a broken thumb.

    2. Try. I played on a company softball team. We had some really athletic competitive people and we also had some not so good people that were just there to have fun. The only people that drove us nuts were those acted ridiculous about it. It is hard to describe without sounding insulting. If you struck out, no big deal. If you struck out and just giggled and said “oh my gawd, I’m just the worst, you all must hate me” then you were annoying. If you hit a piddly little grounder but gave it your all to sprint to first we didn’t care. If you hit a piddly little grounder and stood there watching it, laughing at yourself, making a half hearted attempt to run to first, while exaggerating the effort, you were annoying.

      So, even if you suck, look like you are trying hard. Don’t giggle too much. Be friendly. Don’t be mad or angry if you suck.

      1. I agree. Just try. You don’t have to be incredible, but if you are put in the game, make an effort. Also, whether you are good or a novice, no one likes someone with a bad attitude – whether the “I suck!” variety or the “how could you miss that?!!?!?” variety.

      2. But also have a sense of humor about it if you’re terrible! Anecdote: I am terrible at softball. The last time I played I genuinely tried, and when I was in the outfield I think my effort was at least semi-helpful. Then it was my turn to bat. I swung at a pitch that was clearly heading right for my face and that any sane person would have stepped out of the way of instead of trying to hit … and got hit right in the face. After making sure I was OK, my friends teased my mercilessly, and I was not upset by it. I just sat there with a cold beer on my face and laughed at myself. No one was upset that I was terrible, but if I had been a bad sport about it I think they would have been.

    3. Be careful about jumping/diving after balls. I tend to be competitive and I broke my ankle playing volleyball for fun in college. Honestly, worse than the pain was the fact that there was absolutely no reason for me to be trying so hard. Just have fun and be supportive!!

      1. I agree with Blonde Lawyer though… try- just don’t be the one that lays out on hard wood when the stakes are low

    4. Wear your hair in a bun, french braid, or pony tail. If it’s short, wear a headband. Make sure it stays out of your face. Wear sensible shoes (sneakers, unless this is beach volleyball). Agree with everyone else – be enthusiastic about your teammates and don’t worry about skill!

  17. I’m interested in what the hive thinks of this. My boss, who has 5 directors reporting to him, has created an associate director position. He has asked 3 of the directors to apply for the position. They each have been working for him in excess of 7 years and one for 20 years. He will pick one to be promoted and the other 2 will report to this associate director. Is it just me or is this entire process a bit nutty? Why, after working for him so long, would they have to interview with him? And is this just a great way of creating discord and unhappiness within the department? I just don’t understand this at all.

  18. I’m a big 4 senior manager and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am awful at delegating work. I think it has less to do with a “I can do it better” mindset and more of a reluctance to add to the workload of others who might perceive that I’m not doing my fair share. Has anyone else effectively worked through this? Any tips or suggestions?

    1. I struggle with that, too. I’ve been reading a lot of leadership books and they have pretty universally talked about the importance of allowing your team to have ownership of projects. I work hard, put in long hours and when I hand off work I make sure I adequately train, give the reins and still show interest by asking pertinent questions. By doing this, my hope is that the team member recognizes that project handoffs aren’t due to laziness or disinterest but rather faith in their own skills in managing. Again, I struggle, too. Most helpful for me has been “What Got You Here, Won’t Get You There” and “Coaching for Performance.” One other thing: Watch the verbal and non-verbal response from your team. You’ll likely be surprised to see they actually want and appreciate this delegation. It’s showing you trust them and that they are an important contributor.

  19. I’m getting frustrated and need advice on how to handle a situation gracefully . . .

    I started a new job in February, and new(ish) people at this company only accrue a couple weeks of vacation per year (sick days are separate, thankfully). During a normal year, that gives me a little leeway to take a weekend trip here and there while still being able to join my family on our usual trips. However, this year I’m going to Europe for a week on a special family trip, so I need to save my vacation time for that. As it is, I’ll need to borrow a couple days against my accrual, but I’m trying not to get too far into vacation debt. And the rest of the family is actually going to be over there for two weeks, I can only swing the first half.

    But I have to keep explaining this to people, and it’s getting tiresome. Most people I know have either generous time off packages, or they have enough saved up that they don’t need to worry about budgeting. I’m hoping to have a nice, full vacation bank eventually, but right now I have to be very conservative with my time off. So I find myself having to remind people that I can’t, say, take a weekend trip right now, or attend certain weekend events, because of my upcoming trip. But I worry that if I say that wrong, I’ll sound rude and/or snobby. And I really don’t want to lose my patience with anyone.

    Has anyone else been in a similar situation, where they had to keep reminding people they’re saving time off for a long trip somewhere? Were people mostly understanding about the situation, or did you get some “come on, it’s just one day! you can borrow! it’ll be fun!”-type pushback?

    1. “Yep, sounds like fun! Can’t wait to join next year!” END OF DISCUSSION. Jitterbug, you don’t need to please everyone else. You live your life for YOU. You can’t take a vacation day. Period. Doesn’t matter why. Maybe it’s because you’re dealing with a family member’s chronic illness and you have to be able to take a day off on short notice. Maybe it’s because a relative recently died and you used your vacation then. Maybe it’s because you have a super awesome European vacation coming this summer. Does. Not. Matter.

        1. If this is something you need advicec or reassurance on, how do you get through your day? I mean that seriously. this is not an actual problem.

          1. In defense of Jitterbug, I think that different types of confrontation can tax different people in different ways. We have no reason to think that Jitterbug isn’t a total kick-A person at her job or her workouts or her relationships or whatever, just because she wants to not have to explain herself continually. It can feel confrontational to establish boundaries such as when making a change from overexplaining yourself to stopping doing that.

          2. June, Jitterbug has posted this kind of thing before- loooooooots of posts like this.

    2. This is pretty common, at least in the United States. Most of my friends have been reluctant to take major time off in the first year of a new job. Just say “I have limited vacation time for my first year at X job, and unfortunately I need to use all of it for a special family trip to Europe this summer, so I’ll have to pass this time around. Let me know next you plan something.”
      I agree you don’t owe anyone an explanation, but in this case you have a good one so I think it doesn’t hurt to provide it. If your friends aren’t understanding of this situation, they’re not good friends. If they push back, change the subject.

    3. I’m anxious and even I say this with kindness: try to relax. Take a step back. This is not. A. Problem. Why in the world would it be rude to say “Sounds great but I don’t have enough vacation days- hope it’s great!”
      Perspective: you have days to take off at some point. You can afford it. Missing a day of work doesn’t put you in line at the food bank. You’re going to Europe. Relax. Please.

      1. I’m not paying for the trip though, my parents are paying to take my sister and I with them.

        1. So what? Why does that matter? Sloan just said to tell your friends you can’t go because you don’t have enough vacation days and that is true regardless of who is paying for what.

      2. I think you might have missed my point…

        You can afford to take a day off. Not everyone can. Not afford the trip itself.

    4. You shouldn’t expect other people to be on top of your vacation day balance. Say that it sounds fun, but you don’t have the vacation days this year to participate and that you’d love to do something next year.

      1. +1

        I don’t see the problem here. People are inviting you to things. You are having to politely decline for lack of vacation time. That’s all normal, but it sounds like you’re expecting anyone you’ve told you don’t have vacation time to not invite you to anything for the rest of the year because they’re all supposed to remember how many vacation days you have, and that’s really not reasonable. It’s your calendar, and you’re going to have to tell people what’s on it, probably more than once.

        To your last paragraph, I’ve opted out of plenty of things on vacation time grounds and so have numerous friends. I’ve never had anyone bat an eye and I never would either. Nor can I imagine why anyone would.

    5. Did you used to work during the week and now work weekends? People may forget that if they’re inviting you to a weekend event because they think you’re already off.

    6. I have a big family and friends that like to travel. We could probably be busy with one set of people or another all the time. But we are adults with responsibilities and a set number of vacation days. So we say all the time, “I would love to but I have to work.” If anyone pushes back (mostly this comes from our parents who would love for us to spend all vacation days with them which is nice, but not going to happen) we just say that we have already made our vacation plans for this year. This doesn’t have to mean we already booked flights and hotels but that we have mentally already accounted for our time. Then that is it!

    7. Omg get over it. “I don’t have enough va action time for this kthnxbye.” It is really not that hard to do!

  20. Part of my job is being a manager, and I’m not very good at it. I’ve been trying to be a nice manager and trust people to get their work done. That is not working, and now my staff has slid way down the path of spending way too much time wasting time on the internet and not getting their work done. Obviously I am bad at this and I don’t really know how to pull them back on track. Does anyone have advice? Basic scripts? I am really uncomfortable with confrontation and I know that the team is going to come at me with a bad attitude. I realize this job is a bad fit for me and I’m looking for a non-management job, but in the mean time I could really use some advice.

    2. Go to HR! I find people way underestimate how helpful HR can be. They should be able to coach you, offer you resources, even paid training.

      1. agree with this. I think you’re going to have to make an example out of the worst slacker. Put deadlines in writing. Give a verbal warning the first time a deadline is missed. Document it. Give a written warning the next time. Work with HR on this. You’re going to have to toughen up. There’s nice and there’s doormat, and I think you know where you are right now.

    3. It probably woudn’t hurt to just say “hey, I don’t mind if you check X, Y, and Z every now and then as long as you’re getting your work done, but lately you seem to be spending a lot of time on those websites and your work has suffered. I need you to spend more time focused on your work.” Provide examples of what a “productive” day looks like, and how it looks when they waste too much time on the internet. Make sure it sounds like a first warning; they’re not in trouble, but they could be if they don’t improve their work habits.

    4. Focus on results, metrics and productivity. Be extremely clear about expectations and put them in writing. Watch out for watered-down language – “when you have time, can you” needs to become “X needs to be done by Y time.” Schedule very quick check-ins at intervals to gauge progress and, if necessary, correct course.

      You can do this!

    5. 1. voice your expectations.
      2. don’t be a jerk.
      3. Understand that voicing expectations that you yourself cannot meet is okay. You are the boss/manager. Just because you don’t get there at 8 a.m. doesn’t mean you can’t tell someone else to be. They are not the boss.

      I don’t like to be managed so I took the approach of hands off manager. Same thing happened. I read a lot of books and I think one was by the editor at Glamour?

  21. I have to have a discussion with an employee about some unacceptable behaviors, one of which is bullying. Said employee does not receive criticism well. Said employee is also gay and tends to stir up trouble. Is it paranoid to think that a third party being present is a wise idea? I would prefer to approach the issue between the two of us, but I also think a third party keeps everyone honest about what was said and how. Thoughts?

    1. This sounds like a conversation HR or your direct manager should sit in on. I’d definitely recommend not handling this discussion alone.

      1. +1. Regardless of it it’s HR, management, or somebody else, it does not sound like you want to talk to this employee 1 on 1 without having a third party present. I’ve never been in this situation as an involved party, but I’ve observed it externally during my time in private and public sector. Better to CYA.

    2. This definitely sounds like a situation for a third person in the room. Are you his manager? If so, would bring HR along if bullying is one of the topics.

    3. Thank you, this confirms my gut feeling. My direct manager is the only option now, rather than HR, but I’ll ask her to sit in.

      1. Probably the concern is the employee might misconstrue or say that they were picked on because they were gay?

    5. Your employee deserves to have a third party present for protection against a manager who thinks that “gay and tends to stir up trouble” is a reasonable way to describe him/her.

  22. Just want to say thank you to everyone who said such nice things yesterday on the post where we talked about assumptions others make about us that aren’t true, and for the support I’ve received here over the past few months. I’m on an antidepressant now and cannot believe how much less I hate my life, how much more energy I have, how I get up when my alarm goes off and am awake, how much less anxious I am, etc. It was someone here that pushed me to talk to my doc ASAP about getting on them and I am so ridiculously appreciative. So, so appreciative.
    The meds are wrecking my sleep (getting a bit better, but not much), but the effects it has on my mental health are so phenomenal that I’m sticking it out until we can get me into a psychiatrist who can find something that lets me sleep regularly. Thanks, Hive. ❤

    1. so so happy for you… and if you ever need a dark humor buddy, even if it’s just because such things are funny even when you’re in a good place, let me know!

  23. It is super unfortunate that many of my favorite hobbies require me to buy a swimsuit first. Ladies with larger hips and thighs, where do you find decent swim bottoms? I’ve tried on a motherlode of them from Athleta, Title 9 and Target and am completely striking out. Part of my problem is that I have a long torso, but most of my length is belly button-to-crotch. So the mid-rise fits are suuuper low-rise on me, bordering on indecent. The high-rise styles are giving me rolls where I don’t normally have them and aren’t my style/taste at all. I’m 5’8″ and a solid size 12. What’s the answer if regular bikini bottoms aren’t working? Swim skirt (shudder)? Boy short?

    1. Swim skirt! They can be super cute! ,y friend and I both have different ones from Athleta that we use the heck out of.

    2. Try a nicer department store like Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, or L&T. Look for brands like Seafolly, Profile by Gottex, Becca, etc. For what it’s worth, I think the fabrics that cheaper brands (Target) uses are usually really unflattering. If you buy a high-waisted pair made with a nice (expensive) fabric, it won’t create rolls because it stretches more nicely.

    4. Try Everything But Water?

      I like American Eagle’s bathing suit bottoms (sounds weird but whatever)

    5. Try Lands End. They make long-torso one pieces and probably also two pieces, and you buy tops and bottoms separately.

      2. Ditto for Land’s End. They have a great swimwear collection that fits a variety of body types.

    6. Hot yoga shorts? I’m not built like you exactly, but I do have a substantial derriere. I like them for more active water sports (surfing, deep water soloing) because they stay. put. on. my. butt. which bikini bottoms never do. They help me avoid 1) flashing the entire beach/lake and 2) the extremely painful @ss sunburn.

      1. I’d never thought of yoga shorts as an option, but I can see those being very appealing for lake outings.

    7. I have a similar issue, and just wear a normal midrise bottom, and wear board shorts when I’m walking around before or after. I also size up when I buy swim bottoms. As long as it stays in place, I call it good.

      Land’s End has lots of different cuts of bottoms.

  24. Today my team had our first meeting with our new boss. He said one of the things our team really needs to work on is accepting change. Turns out our old boss told him and the director of our group that we’re inflexible, close-minded and not open to change. It’s not at all true and it’s totally unfair of him to handicap us like that.

    He’s not a people person and a terrible manager. He was promoted to a Director role with no reports. We’re pretty sure he’s been telling people we’re inflexible because he doesn’t like it when we question his decisions. We’re subject matter experts and know the software very well. So, by telling people we’re not open to change, he can exclude us from projects and meetings that we should be involved in.

    It just sucks that he’s totally kept us out of the loop and then gone on to influence the opinion of our new boss against us. Sorry, just venting!

    2. I’m not sure why knowing the software very well and being a SME means you’re not change resistant. In my experience that is the group most likely to be resistant to progress. Don’t know the situation in full but based on the facts you’ve given us, I wouldn’t want to be working with you.

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