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- Career Pivots: How to Change Your Career in a Major Way
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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
My skin is freaking out! Out of nowhere I have razor burn all over my legs, itchy pimples on my arms /chest and my face is breaking out and occasionally I’ll just be super itchy all over. This hasn’t happened in years. Nothing about my routine/products/diet has changed and it’s been going on for at least 2 weeks. I won’t be able to get in to see a dermatologist anytime soon. Does anyone have any suggestions for remedies or causes?
Anonymous
You say it “hasn’t happened for years,” which means that at some point in the past, it HAS happened for you. Then, what was the cause?
Anon
Being a teenager :)
Go for it
Cause: laundry detergent switch?
Help: aveeno oatmeal bath
MagicUnicorn
Allergies? I break out in hives depending on what pollen is in the air. Daily non-drowsy OTC allergy meds help, with Benadryl at night if it is really bad.
lsw
I agree. My allergist once described it as a threshold, and a bunch of different things can combine to push you over the threshold, and then your irritation can manifest in different ways. I also suggest trying some OTC allergy meds and sleeping with the windows closed for a few nights (if you aren’t already). My grass allergies are pretty bad right now (mid-atlantic).
Second using an Aveeno oatmeal bath, and also hydrocortisone.
Anonymous
Same. I take Allegra before bed. I hate waking up when allergy medicine is wearing off.
Unicorn Jumpsuit?
All, I found my perfect black jumpsuit- it’s a cotton twill and has enough industrial edge that makes it interesting. Only problem is that it’s $300 usd from a UK company called TOAST.
Madewell has a cute on in pink, but im looking for black. Has anyone seen any comps that i could style to mar it bus casual friendly?
Anon
Just a kind reminder to folks out there going through a rough patch: fake it til you make it.
Work has been truly unbelievable the past few weeks/months and I’m definitely on the verge of burnout. This has resulted in not taking care of myself and I was feeling so crappy. Yesterday and today I’ve forced myself to get back to my normal routine, despite being 200% done, and omg it’s already helping!
anon
Thanks for this reminder. Work has been truly awful for the past two months and will continue for another ~4. I have no idea how I’m going to make it through. Appreciate knowing I’m not alone.
AIMS
You’re not alone. Must be something in the air/water!
NOLA
This is how I was feeling last summer and then again at the end of the spring semester. For me, taking really good care of myself (eating well and exercising, getting sleep, but also allowing myself to drink wine and eat chocolate) were really important to keeping my sanity. I didn’t even try to do some of the extra things I sometimes do (singing with a semi-professional community group), but everything else held me together.
AIMS
For another cheaper alternative that is also a bit more staid for the office, I recently got this skirt from Tahari: https://tinyurl.com/y68aye8a
The quality is about what you would expect but it’s nice to have something a little different to break up the wardrobe. I like the H&M option, too, for a slightly cooler, slouchier vibe.
Housecounsel
Thank you. I am head over heels in love with the featured skirt but the Tahari one is more reasonable on many levels. I would really like reading the Money Diary of someone who can pay $890 for an embellished pencil skirt that is memorable enough that it really can’t be a wardrobe workhorse.
anon
I’m going to pile on and ask why we have these kinds of posts. I LOVE Elizabeth’s picks in general but the expensive–>cheap over the week concept seems to be scaled too high overall. There are plenty of interesting items that could be featured that are more reasonable. Even the Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday picks are out-of-reach for many or most of us unless it’s a timeless piece that will get a ton of wear (classic watch, handbag, or the like).
Anon
Maybe I’m in the minority, but I’m perfectly happy to look and not buy. I love this skirt and I have similar style pants which this post has me inspired to wear soon. The picks don’t have to be universally attainable IMHO. I do not understand this pressure to pander to the lowest common denominator in all things life!
Waffles
I’m the opposite. I’m not subscribing to the blog to see stuff that I can find in the mall, I’m looking for something special. I definitely won’t be buying all of the splurge picks, but I love to be inspired by them!
Redux
Banana Republic Factory has some cute low-budge options, too. I tried on a solid navy version this weekend that I cant find online but this one is pretty:
https://bananarepublicfactory.gapfactory.com/browse/product.do?cid=1053682&pcid=1053682&vid=1&pid=487913001
Cara
What do you do after work?
I’m in my mid-20s, don’t have a SO, no kids <- so especially if you fit that.
I have a job I like, and work approximately 9am – 7pm, which to me are perfectly fine hours. It's also a very startup-y and social vibe, and I'm with people all that, so I'm not dying to be social after work; some me time is great. But I find that even though my job is great I want to actually DO something after work that isn't just cook dinner / do chores / watch tv etc. Even a long walk in a different neighborhood is enough, as long as I get out.
I'm really bad at exercising so right now I've been trying to combine these two impulses by taking said long walk, and planning different routes etc. I feel a little bit like a little kid who needs extracurricular activities.
I get out of work a little too late for gym classes where I live, but I think I'm going to keep an eye out for other activities too. It's too easy for me to come home from work and immediately be a lump, and lump me = sad me.
Anon
There are a million options. Figure out what you want to do and start there. Miss piano lessons from childhood? Find a teacher for adults. Wish you could try salsa dancing? Find a studio. Good job on fighting the lump tendencies though! It took me too long to figure out that being a lump after work wasn’t “relaxing” or “unwinding” like I thought it would be.
Anonymous
“I feel a little bit like a little kid who needs extracurricular activities.”
make a list of activities and start trying some – pottery, rock climbing, pilates, kayaking, guitar, piano, painting, ballet, wine tasting, chocolate making or cooking class? Most places have beginner options to try out a new activity.
Cara
Okay I’m glad to hear you say this. I do know of a place that does interesting cooking classes near me, but I guess I was thinking it would be frivolous to go to things like this in the evening and I should be more buttoned down or something.
Anonymous
no! Have all the fun! I wouldn’t be up for trying something new every single night but a few times a week for sure. If you have any travel coming up, taking a language or cooking class related to that travel can be fun.
Anonymous
Um why?
anon
I’m not OP so I could be wrong, but many of us grew up/went through college and grad school laboring under the delusion that we needed to be productive/achieving all the time. It can be weird to move out of that mindset when you’ve been doing it for 20+ years.
780
Because some of us find it more enjoyable to do activities instead of sitting at home watching TV. There is nothing wrong with that.
Anonymous
This is why I focus on mornings and go to bed early. There are tons of great gym classes early in the morning, but basically none in my area after 7 pm. All of the fun weeknight stuff seems to happen between 5 and 6 – adult sports leagues, art classes, live music at wineries/breweries/the local garden – all of that stuff starts at 6 at the latest. Maybe if you’re in an area with more young professionals, you’ll have better luck.
Cara
Yeah a lot of classes in my area are before I finish work too. I might either travel to the busier neighborhood or try morning things
Equestrian attorney
In my area there are a few things that start later – I picked my current dance studio in part because they have a 7:30pm class that I can make it to relatively regularly. In my city, the key is to pick activities close to downtown, where most of the young professionals work/live.
Also, I have started to push myself to go to plays/concerts/museums/movies in the park, etc, alone. I used to not want to do it unless someone else was there (because I felt like a looser), but that meant it was so hard to coordinate and I was basically never going. So now I pick something I want to do and go once a month – if someone wants to join me; great, if no, I am really enjoying them on my own, and realistically no one else cares.
Anon
I’m also single with no kids, and work from 8 to 5:30. I have a pretty consistent routine of what I do after work each week, with some variation. Mondays, I go to an exercise class with friends. Tuesday, I play trivial with friends and will sometimes meet a date for drinks before hand. Wednesday, is my free night – sometimes I will meet a friend for dinner, sometimes I go on a date, sometimes I run errands, sometimes I just come home and watch TV or read a book. Thursdays, I go to the same exercise class with friends that we go to on Monday. Fridays vary.
Personal, I need a routine so that I consistently have plans and don’t always have to be coming up with something to do. Without a routine, I would probably just go home and do nothing productive. Given your desire to get more exercise, are there any specialty classes that you could take? At least in my city, the specialty gyms have later classes than the normal big-box gyms. Or could you come in a little earlier so that you could leave in time to catch the last class?
Anonymous
Ballroom dancing. I love it, take a group class 3 times a week at least.
Worry about yourself
I took up swing dancing in my mid-20’s, see if there’s a studio in your area that specializes in lindy hop (a ballroom studio that offers swing is okay, but not as good in my opinion). My studio offers classes on the later side, like around 8PM, so people can take them even if they get out of work on the later side like you do. Other good social dances to take up, if old school swing isn’t your jam, are blues, salsa, or west coast swing which is done to more modern music. It’ll get you out of the house, get you moving, and you’ll probably make some friends over time.
Ellen
Like the other OP’s, you should take up some hobbies to keep you occupied, even tho your days are filled with work and then sitting in front of the TV at night eating, which I do. It does not seem you have to take work home with you, and that is a good thing, tho often do, late into the night. In your case, I would join a health club where you can go definitely on weekends, so that you can help ensure your tuchus stays in check — 9am to 7pm at your desk can result in some unwanted enlargement back there. Also, since you are young, you should be on the lookeout for places where decent men congregate. Stay away from work guys, b/c you have to see them every day if things don’t work out. You will do fine, if you stay positive. YAY!!
Lana Del Raygun
Lots and lots of pleasure reading
Anon
+1. I like doing other activities too, but on the days you just want to be home on the couch, it’s still such a better feeling mentally when you’re reading a great book as opposed to when you’re scrolling mindlessly through Instagram.
anon
+2. This is all I did for most of my late 20s-30s until I had a kid. That said, I am more of the “lump” type so I enjoyed being able to look forward to coming home and unwinding with a good book, cooking some dinner, and maybe a little tv before going to bed. But I’m super introvert-y and I know that’s not for everyone!
Inspired By Hermione
Walk plus an audiobook! I try to take a long walk most nights (3-4 out of 5?) in the summer and feel so much better when I do. I listen to audiobooks and if I’m into it I can walk for 3 or more miles.
anon
When I was in your stage of life (although I’ve been with my now husband since college), I coached a junior high girls sports team. It was very rewarding and kept me out doing something vs sitting at home in front of the tv. I also lived near the mountains so I went hiking quite a bit after work when I wasn’t coaching. And I really enjoyed taking walks with girlfriends. I had girlfriends with dogs who always took them for walks after work so sometimes I’d join one of them.
Anon
My friends joke that I’m always looking for a hobby, but this is why!
Some friends and I from college do a virtual book club once a month over Skype, so that gives me a reason to actually stick to and finish a book. Once a week my friends and I go to trivia (it’s social but only one night a week). I’m on kickball team, you might be able to find ones with later starts. I’d LOVE to take a pottery class and/or more workout classes but I work night shift so the timing doesn’t add up. What about taking a MOOC? Or joining a rock climbing gym? It’s exercise but more of a hobby than just pounding out miles on the treadmill.
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of lying on the couch but I feel 300% better when I’m active after work!
Anonymous
Is there anyone in a long-term relationship or marriage where your partner/spouse lived in a different location because of school or a job? We’re about to get married, and he has a possible job opportunity for two years where he would live in the northeast, and I would stay in the midwest because of my job.
Anonymous
DH and I did long distance for two years before we got married. Regular visits – like every six-eight weeks, plus facetiming everyday and talking morning and evening were key. Because of time zones, when he took his morning coffee break, I was just getting breakfast so we just chatted while I made breakfast. Connecting regularly is key. Talking/facetiming over texting.
Anon
Not now, but my husband and I were long distance (opposite coasts) for the first two years of our marriage. It was not fun but ultimately made us stronger. You can do it.
Anon
Yes – we met when in different parts of the country, dated long distance, got engaged, and I moved shortly before the wedding.
I would be very, very hesitant to go the long-distance route right before marriage. It’s bad for your marriage and if he ends up wanting to stay there, you will uproot your life for his career. (Not recommended, at all.)
My advice is to ask him why it’s important for him to move away right at the start of your marriage. He might not be thinking it through, or there may be deeper issues at play.
Anonymous
Yes this. At some point you stop taking the best job possible and start taking the job that works for your family
Anon
And men need to do this, too. It’s not just women who have to balance career and family.
Anonymous
Yeah I was specifically meaning her husband needs to do this
Sarabeth
It depends on the specifics. My husband and I were long distance for three years leading up to our marriage. We were both in graduate programs, so there was a definite end date. I agree that I’d be wary about moving for a permanent job.
Anon
My husband and I did it for the entirety of being engaged, and our first year of marriage (I was working approx a 2 hour flight away from him for 3 years after law school, while he was in med school, and then his first year of residency he was driving distance away). We both valued our careers enough that the sacrifice was worth it, but I’m not going to pretend that it didn’t totally suck. We’ve been back together for over a year now and it’s been totally great. It’s crucial to have an end-game at this point in your lives. Talk out all your possibilities – what will you do if he loves it in the new city and doesn’t want to leave? How does this affect any other timelines you guys are considering (home ownership, kids), etc.? What will your schedules look like in terms of seeing each other? What are your communication expectations (we had a standing 10 pm phone date unless we were working/out with friends, etc.)?
Cat
Yes, during our engagement, we were at different schools. Things that made it successful:
– Most important: there was a defined end time (graduation) and plan to be in the same location again (we agreed on the city we would live in post-graduation).
– We had a set frequency for visits (monthly in our case as we couldn’t afford more frequent flights!) and we spent all breaks together. It was rare that we were saying goodbye without the next visit already booked.
– We set expectations on daily communication (this was pre-texting but we generally talked around 9 each night).
Things that will be hard (aside from just plain missing the person!):
– If you have anything you need to have a Conversation about, it can be tricky to decide when to do it. Over the phone feels impersonal, but it can be tempting to not want to “spoil” your limited time together with those topics.
– Because time together will feel like a vacation bubble, it can be hard to re-adjust to normal life as a couple, where you need to do laundry and clean and not be eating out and have other demands on your time.
If this is an amazing career opportunity, it could be worth it, just go in with an exit plan!
LifeScienceMBA
Agree with all of this.
Anonymous
Five years into our marriage we were long distance for one year (seven hours driving). We saw each other once or twice a month, and due to my schedule being more flexible I did most of the traveling.
It was a lot harder on him than it was on me because I was still “home” with a strong support system and familiar job. Not only was he adjusting to the new job, but he knew no one in the new city and was pretty lonely and bored in the new city. By the end of the year he had made some work friends and things were better for him.
Worry about yourself
I once met a guy who was in my city temporarily for a business school internship. After our first date I found out he was married and had a wife back home, and I have no idea if he was messing around behind her back or if they “had an arrangement,” but that experience would definitely make me hesitant to do a similar thing with my guy, I’d rather find a way to relocate with him.
Anon
That sucks that that happened to you, but people cheat on business trips all the time, would you also not let your spouse travel for work or have business dinners alone with women? People successfully do short term long distance all the time without cheating, and just because you met one a-hole (who could have easily cheated even if he was living in the same city as his wife) doesn’t seem like a reason for her to uproot her life and career to supervise her husband.
To give an opposite piece of anecdata, I met my husband while I was in his city for a law school summer associate position (he’s not a lawyer). We dated in person for 2 months, then long distance for 9 months during my final year of school, then I moved to be with him and now we’re married.
Anonymous
I think there’s actually less risk in long term LD – because the spouse will be coming to visit at regular intervals and meeting colleagues/fellow students etc. Short time travel allows much more opportunity for cheating.
Anon
I agree – it’s easier to cheat with someone you meet at a conference on a work trip and will never see again than with a colleague in a new city who will eventually be coming into contact with your spouse. Of course, anyone can go on dating apps anywhere, but I think in person connections are easier to foster and keep secret during short term travel.
Eh
Oh, please don’t think this is normal. Cheaters cheat regardless of long distance, and a loyal partner doesn’t require your supervision to stay loyal.
AMB
We are facing the same thing and I am pretty intimidated right now. Partly because his opportunity is in the States and I have a Canadian government job… peoples tips are helpful, especially in terms of having a plan.
AnonInHouse
Husband was deployed for a year, but that was after we’d been married four years/together seven. I saw him once for during that year, for a week. This was pre-kids and our relationship was completely fine, maybe even better, after he returned. In your situation, I’d be a bit hesitant to do two years long distance right at the start of your marriage, unless you can easily see each other pretty frequently. Two years is doable but I think you have to be very intentional and empathetic about merging your lives back together after establishing separate routines and lives for two years.
Anonymous
Husband and I were long-distance from the time we started dating until about 10 months later, when we moved in together. It sucked but we always had a defined end date in mind. We also agreed we would never intentionally go long-distance again; it was too hard the first time. We’ve been married ~20 years.
I would think really really carefully about whether or not this is really about careers or if it is about something else – like not really wanting to be married, for either the person who’s moving or the person who’s insisting on staying put. The first two years of marriage is generally a big adjustment. If he’s dead set on moving, and you’re dead set on staying where you are, I would postpone the wedding and ask yourselves why you want to get married in the first place – maybe get some pre-marital counseling from a couples therapist or your place of worship. Marriage isn’t about “I get exactly what I want and you get exactly what you want, no compromises or concessions, and somehow it works out.” There’s always compromise and sacrifice involved if two people want to stay together for the long haul. Frankly, unless this is some kind of massive promotion I think he should turn down the offer and stay put. If he’s not willing to do that, I don’t think that bodes well, long-term, for your relationship. The people we know who have managed to stay together long-term are the ones who put the relationship – not the other person and not themselves – first. When you get married, the relationship almost becomes a separate entity unto itself, that requires care and feeding. Hard to do that when one or both members of the partnership are still embedded in a “me first” attitude.
Anon
I’m the person who commented above who was long distance for the first two years of marriage. If you’ve been living together, marriage isn’t that different, and I think it’s really silly to postpone the wedding. Sometimes someone has no choice but to take a job in a different city (clerkship, postdoc, residency) and it’s not indicative of any problem in the relationship. When we did it, a lot of people seemed to think we were surely headed for divorce. We’ve been married 15 years ago now and most of my friends who clutched their pearls and said “oh I could *never* let my husband move away” are divorced. I think this is one of those things were different people make different decisions, and as long as both members of the couple are on the same page, no one should judge.
Anon
The real issue is *why* the couple is long distance. Many academic couples have no choice, and many people in their 20s who are wrapping up grad school are in that situation.
But you need to eventually be together, and also to not put one person’s job above the marriage. It’s about creating a situation that is workable for both people.
Anon
I agree. But she said it would be for two years only, so it sounds like academia or a similar field where moves are common/necessary and also like they have a plan for reuniting.
Anon
We did a short-term long-distance stint two years into our marriage (and 10 years into our relationship) for a two-month period. That was hard because of a 10-hour time difference and sketchy Internet where I was traveling (sub-Saharan Africa), which meant FaceTime was glitchy. That being said, it was a good professional opportunity, my husband was supportive even though he was lonely (we had only recently moved to our city and he had no friends), and it was the best thing in the world to come home at the end. If you go that route, you definitely both need to be on the same page. If you can happily support each other and prioritize each other, you might be able to make it work smoothly. I would, however, consider whether it’s a good idea so early in the marriage.
Anon
It’s doable, but hard. But I think it also really depends on why you are long distance. For me, if one person has a clerkship, fellowship, or residency in one location for a limited period of like 2 years or less, I can see the reason the person takes the position and the reasons for the other person is not moving to join them. If it is was just a new standard job, I think it is harder to work around, that seems a lot more about a refusal to compromise for the relationship and for me would be unacceptable.
Agora
It’s absolutely doable. My SO and I are long distance a 2 hour flight apart. We set hard rules that we follow (for us, no more than 2 weekends go between visits) and I work remotely sometimes. If one of you can work remotely even just a few days a month it can be very helpful. Don’t be scared by it if it’s something that you both want to pursue, and good luck!
Anonymous
DH and I did this for 2.5 years and it was hard but fine, and worth it for us. He was finishing up med school and I had a great career in CA, and he knew he wanted to come back to CA after school. It made zero sense for either of us to move at that point, so lots of skype (this was many years ago…), long weekend visits about once a month plus longer stints where he was off of school and doing a rotation out in CA. Candidly, one of the big things that made it work was a clear end date. I can see it being way harder if there’s no clear plan for how you move from long distance to in the same area.
Anonymous
My husband and I lived apart for 7 months of our first year of marriage (military basic training and additional schooling) but had been geographically close for the 5 years before that. I was able to visit him twice during that time for long weekends. 2 years later he deployed for 6 months, and I obviously didn’t see him for the duration. Readjustment was challenging both times, and we definitely had some tune-up marriage counseling (and he had solo counseling) after the deployment. It sucked, but I knew exactly what I was signing up for when I married him, there was always a definite end date, and it helps that I’m a very independent person in general. I also had/have a job that was portable but didn’t mind being a trailing spouse if my job hadn’t been portable. I would be wary if any of those things aren’t true for you.
Leatty
Favorite weekender bag that could also work for a short business trip (1-2 nights)? I need to upgrade my ratty looking carry-on, but I don’t necessary want another bulky rolling bag. Budget < $200
anne-on
I really like the small catalina deluxe. I appreciate that it’s washable and the bottom padded compartment is great for shoes/makeup/hair dryer/etc. I find the small plenty big on my frame for 1-2 nights (I’ve done 3 nights in a pinch in it). Plus – since it’s soft sided I can cram it in to much smaller overheard compartments on planes. I’ve fit it in on flights where everyone else at that point was having their roller bags gate checked. That’s worth not having wheels to me.
https://www.loandsons.com/pages/discover-catalina-deluxe-womens-weekender-travel-bag
Anonymous
I love the small Catalina Deluxe for leisure travel, but I would never use any weekender bag to transport work clothes. You need a structured carry-on with a suit folder to prevent wrinkles.
anne-on
Good point, but I do think it depends on the clothes and how willing you are to iron. If you wear more jersey dresses and carry your blazer on the plane or train you should be fine. I also have a tumi garment bag and still usually have to iron at least one or two outfits in that too, things just get crushed oddly when traveling.
Housecounsel
Check Sole Society. I got a great overnight duffel bag there for about $80.
Housecounsel
https://www.solesociety.com/dayle-weekender.html?color=cognac&size=one-size
Anon
I just got back from a weekend trip where I used a duffel bag (Timbuk2) and honestly I wish I had just taken the carry on roller bag. Walking through the airport is so much easier with a roller bag than a duffel bag.
Anon
I have one of the solid black weekenders from Vera Bradley I love. I have taken it on a 10 day trip to Europe (stuffed to capacity) and regularly take it on 2-3 night work trips that have a more casual dresscode. I wash it on gentle when needed and it has held up really well. I also love that it has a separate shoe compartment in the bottom.
Anon
For short business trips, I take a backpack. So much more convenient.
Go for it
I so want that skirt, but ouch! Gorgeous!
CountC
Same. I love this skirt.
Anon
The plane behavior convo on the weekend trip reminded me of one more thing that I wanted to add/beg people to do: use headphones or mute your phones and devices on planes or public transit. That includes beeps for new emails, your music, your texting sound effects, your kid’s cartoons, your Candy Crush game, whatever. Didn’t bring headphones? Then you don’t get sound (no exceptions).
Worry about yourself
I agree! They even give you the option of buying headphones on the plane if you forgot yours, so there really is no excuse for playing Candy Crush or watching a movie on full volume. Same goes for your kids, if you feel they’re not old enough for headphones, find a quieter way to keep them occupied.
Anonymous
I put my captions on. It’s fun for trying other languages b/c the language of captions doesn’t have to be the same as what you are watching.
anonshmanon
I thought it was remarkable that almost 70 people weighed in on that thread and despite being totally divided on reclining ettiquette, there was unanimous agreement that the middle seat gets both armrests!
Anonymous
Where are all these people when I get stuck in the middle seat?
Anon
This is my biggest pet peeve ever. Especially on airplanes. We are trapped there, and can’t get away from the sound. I seriously have anxiety about this when I fly, which is probably not normal. I wish more airlines would take a stance on this and enforce it. They would get my business!
anon
It doesn’t fix the issue and I am totally with you on wishing the airlines would enforce this, but have you considered purchasing some high-end over-the-ear noise-canceling headphones?
Irish Midori
I bought some noise-canceling headphone for an overseas flight, and I gotta say, best $350 I ever spent. I use them in my office now almost daily.
Anonymous
I’m so confused about recline/no recline. Is the controversy about whether people recline all the way? Or recline even an inch or two?
I cannot stand for the seat to be straight up and down – maybe it’s because I’m short? but the headrest hits me at a weird spot and presses my neck forward. I have to put the seat back a little bit to alleviate the strain on my neck. Are people silently seething at me for this?
Anonymous
Yes.
Texan In Exile
The middle-aged (ie, old enough to know better) woman who picked the middle seat next to me on SouthWest started to play a game on her phone at full volume. I shot her a few glares, but she didn’t notice. I finally had to ask her – in a tone of I cannot believe I am having to ask you this – if she would please use her earbuds.
She answered that she had forgotten them.
And she kept playing.
So I had to ask again – Then would you please turn that down the noise is bothering me.
I could not believe she thought it was OK to do this.
Anon
I saw this somewhere online this weekend and it rang so true. “When the US started killing children with impunity, it was the beginning of the end.” Sandy Hook was seven years ago. If we couldn’t get universal background checks, which over 90% of Americans support, after a massacre that killed CT schoolchildren and so many more to follow, then our system is so fundamentally broken and twisted. It isn’t safe to raise kids in this country.
Anon
Yep. If the slaughter of a bunch of kindergartners didn’t do it, nothing will.
Anonymous
But I have to look at that situation (older kid had obvious mental illnesses for a significantly long time, killed his mother, took her gun, and went on a rampage), and what would have had to change to have had a different outcome? No guns for anyone? Remove basic civil liberties (go back to locked mental wards) for people with mental illness?
Anonymous
Nope. Sensible gun regulations like Australia and Scotland. This whole “oh so hard to solve what could we possibly do” thing is ridiculous. We could do what works everywhere else.
Anonymous
Literally no one is suggesting ‘no guns for everyone’. How about reasonable and logical gun control with sensible background checks? Works in EVERY other industrialised democratic country.
anononon
Reasonable and logical gun control? That’s not very specific.
Anonymous
Go to he11. There is a specific bill on the table. She doesn’t have to spell it out for you here because you feel like derailing a conversation
Anonymous
Eyeroll at anononon – I’m not going to elaborate on detailed proposals in comments on a fashion blog. ANYTHING would be better than what we have now. There have been many many proposals put forward. Copy the laws of any democratic country who doesn’t sacrifice their children on the altar of gun rights.
I dread international travel with my job these days. It’s so Fing embarrassing to be an American right now.
Anonymous
For the embarrassed American poster above, a visit to a Flanders field may help. Plenty of dead Americans there, who died protecting Europeans from some of the worst mass murder ever recorded. It was the right thing to do, not the easy thing to do. I am never embarrassed to go to Europe. I am proud. If anything, I think that people have some stones to complain about our American-ness when that is what they really owe their peace and prosperity, if not their lives, to. If the D-Day anniversary didn’t bring this home, it should have.
Anonymous
@ anon 12:07
I have been to Flanders and Northern France a number of times. It is there that I feel the most embarrassed about what we have done to our country. My grandfather didn’t die fighting in Europe so that his great-grandchildren would have to learn to hide under their desks as school.
Shame on YOU for trying to co-opt the sacrifices of honorable Americans to try and justify the chickenshit Republician politicians who allow the gun-industry to kill our children.
anonshmanon
Let me give you an example of reasonable gun legislation from other countries. Gun ownership only for adults and with the acknowledgement that a gun is a dangerous object. An obligation for the owner to keep the guns in a locked safe where their kids can’t get it. We already punish adults who give alcohol to minors but handing them a rifle is legal.
Anonymous
Or we can flat-out ban possession of assault rifles by anyone who is not licensed, trained law enforcement.
In Dayton this weekend police took down the shooter in under a minute. In less than a minute he killed 9 people and injured many others. He was able to do that because of the type of weapon he was legally able to buy and possess. No civilian should be able to own a weapon that can kill 9 people in under a minute. There is absolutely no reason for that whatsoever. And I come from a family of gun owners so I was raised in “gun culture.” No one in my family ever owned assault weapons because the only thing you can hunt with them is people. Ban assault weapons now.
Z
+1000000 to banning all assault weapons.
Anonymous
I don’t think that minors can buy guns in the US now. BUT I know plenty of kids who “got” guns (generally rifles) for xmas from a grandparent.
LaurenB
Oh noes, Bubba might have to wait a few minutes and undergo a background check before getting his hands on them that guns. He might have to demonstrate that he has undergone training and that he keeps them in a safe when not in use. The horrors. Oh well, a few dead kindergarteners / college students / movie-goers / Walmart shoppers / nightclub goers / concert goers are totes worth it. Wouldn’t want to inconvenience Bubba!
Make no mistake — gun culture is NOT “American culture.” The millions of us who grew up in urban areas – Boston, NY, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, San Francisco, etc. — did NOT have guns as part of our everyday lives, at all. Guns were for cops and criminals, and only a weirdo would have wanted to shoot a gun (other than, say, riflery as a sport). For some reason I cannot fathom, we are being held hostage by a gun subculture that is rooted in rural areas among the least-educated and least-sophisticated factions of our society, and we have to pretend it’s “Americana.” I reject it so hard.
Anonymous
This is straight-up baskets of deplorables.
Anon.
I think the entire south side of Chicago would disagree with you.
Anonymous
Yes. Exactly. She was right about them.
Anonymous
Based on stuff like this, I have a sinking feeling that this sentiment is how we get to 4 more years of Trump.
Maudie Atkinson
I 100% agree with the substance of what you’re saying. A majority of the country is being held hostage by a minority gun culture, and that gun culture leads to unspeakable destruction that NOT an acceptable price to pay, even if the gun culture weren’t a minority.
But I beg you–especially as a life long Southerner, as person raised in a rural area, whose family still lives there and probably will for even more generations–please come at this from a more nuanced perspective. Part of it is that no, not all of us think that way (about guns or about the political state of affairs more broadly), even all of us in (or from) rural areas.
But even the view were so widespread as to be universal, this apparent disdain for people isn’t helpful. It only further alienates the very people whom we need on our team–about gun policy, about infrastructure spending, and about lots of other issues that stand to benefit many of the same people who are, in your words, among the least educated and sophisticated factions of our society. In short, you can (and I do) reject the gun culture without mocking the people who subscribe to it.
LaurenB
I actually never mentioned the south.
Maudie Atkinson
That’s quite a strawman, particularly given your use of “Bubba.” And it does not change my point.
Never too many shoes...
It is mind boggling at times. I get that, as a Canadian, it is difficult to understand the power that the second amendment seems to have over people. But I simply cannot get past a pile of dead babies and no action at all.
In March 1996 in Scotland, a man killed 16 primary school children and a teacher with four legal handguns. ONE YEAR LATER, the UK banned private ownership of handguns. No school massacres since.
The idea that something cannot be done is garbage. Somebody just has to have the nerve to do it.
Anonymous
Did the UK have a lot of handguns to begin with? I just think that the US has so many more guns within its borders that banning new ones seems pretty futile. What did the UK do with existing guns?
Never too many shoes...
I think there was an amnesty period where people could hand in the handguns and ammunition that fell under the ban. This happened right when I first moved to Scotland so it is a bit fuzzy. They did not just ban new ones though, the existing permits were revoked and the grandfathering was very limited. It cannot just be coincidence that there has not been a school shooting in the UK since then.
LaurenB
Look at Australia. They took care of existing guns.
Anon
Maybe it doesn’t work immediately because not everyone turns in their assault rifles. But as guns are lost, turned in, confiscated, etc., it does work. Just because it is not an immediate solution as not a reason to do nothing.
Anonymous
It’s going to continue getting worse for a long time yet. The perpetrators of most of these mass shootings are young white males. There is zero political interest in restricting their access to guns. So much ‘blame the shooter not the gun’ garbage. Many many people would rather live with the risk of these shootings vs give up their guns. That’s just the sad reality. This is the new normal in the US.
Anon
We also need background checks for pressure cookers, knives, cars, and everything else that is used in Europe and here to kill huge numbers of people.
Or we could understand the cultural rot that drives this and work to improve it.
Anon
Pressure cookers, knives, and cars have utility beyond mass murder.
RR
And we do have pretty serious restrictions on cars.
Anonymous
Exactly! Licence to drive for each driver and each car registered and registration must be transfered and govt notified when changes owners. Can you imagine a place where we treated guns like that? So much safer.
anonshmanon
Good point. A lot of other countries make you take a course to get a gun owner’s license, after which you are allowed to buy a gun.
Anonymous
I can let someone borrow my car. And my car has definitely been stolen.
Actually, now that I think of it, “my” car doesn’t even have me on the title. It is just in my husband’s name.
LaurenB
Not only must I have a license to drive a car (showing that I have passed minimum safety requirements), my car must be registered with the state, and I must show proof of insurance. What would happen if we required insurance on guns? How much would it cost? Let the premiums speak for themselves.
Anonymous
Is this a joke comment? Seriously? Sorry the facts around not allowing the proliferation of guns are so hard for you to accept. Mass shootings/killings in public places like movie theatres and retail stores is literally an issue nowhere else in the world on this scale. Nowhere. So yeah, there’s cultural rot amongst the young white men who feel entitled to do these things -but as is shown literally everywhere else in the world – these things don’t happen if guns are not handed out like candy. No responsible gun owner is against gun control because they realize that responsible ownership involves ensuring that guns are appropriately regulated.
Pretty soon the ‘Amercian exceptionalism’ we’re going to be known for it being exceptionally okay with our citizens dying in mass shootings on a daily basis.
Anonymous
That already is the case. Other countries can’t understand why we haven’t fixed this.
I saw a chart yesterday that showed the only meaningful outliers with regard to mass murder adjusted for population were the US and Yemen.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/07/world/americas/mass-shootings-us-international.html
Anonymous
And yet Chicago continues — so many random shootings (not mass shootings) that one hospital had to shut down its ER because it was so overwhelmed. I guess no one cares??? Or only if it is a mass shooting? Not 4 here and 5 there? WTF is wrong that this continues unchecked?
Anon
Restricting gun access would also help with smaller shootings.
Anonymous
Except in Chicago, restricting gun access would probably have zero effect — a lot of these are criminals in possession of a firearm (already illegal), which itself may be stolen (or “borrowed from a friend”). Sadly, people who follow laws (not just on gun safety, on everything) aren’t shooting people they have a beef with and hitting not just them but bystanders. And none of the existing guns (legal and illegal) would be affected by new laws w/o confiscation, which probably will never happen.
Anon
Chicago has some of the strictest gun control laws in the country. None of them deter criminals from obtaining, possessing, and using guns. Background checks are ineffective – just send your sister/cousin/aunt to go to a store and purchase a gun. Sure, that’s illegal, but those laws are not enforced.
Any other ideas?
Anonymous
“but those laws are not enforced.”
We could start there…
Sarabeth
Chicago has strict gun laws, but it’s a short drive to Indiana, which has extremely lax gun laws. It’s actually the perfect example of why we need national gun legislation.
chicago gal
Chicagoan here. Most guns come from out of state (thank you, Indiana) and Illinois outside of Chicago-limits allows sale of firearms. This is not unique, either, 9 out of 10 guns in New York City come from out of state. Legislation needs to happen at a national level.
My question to you is instead of pointing out problems and whataboutism WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO DO ABOUT IT? Unless you have just accepted the fact that our children will continue to die simply because they are American. In which case, shame, shame, shame on you.
LaurenB
The guns used in Chicago shootings are brought in from Indiana. Everyone in Chicago knows this, it is not a great secret. It’s the outsiders who “pretend” that Chicago’s gun laws must not be effective, because they haven’t a clue how close the Indiana border is to Chicago (esp the South Side).
anon
Ehh. Not really, but good try. You know it’s much easier to kill people with guns.. especially assault rifles…than anything else. Moreover, it’s much easier to many people at once and to do so in a way that will attract national media attention to your crime and to the dark recesses of your benighted mind. Want to give me a recent example of a mass stabbing or mass pressure-cooker murder?
Oh and cars? I’ll share a story from my own life– Person wanted to get a gun to commit a mass murder. Person could not get gun immediately because of some red tape strangling his second amendment rights or whatever. So person rented a car and tried to use that instead. I was one of the first people he chanced upon. It’s much easier to get out of the way of a car than a bullet. He hurt a few people but didn’t kill anyone.
anonshmanon
Japan ist one of the few countries completely banning private gun ownership and a lot of patrolling officers don’t even have guns. They too have mentally unstable people of course, but their version of a mass shooting news headline is actually a knife attack. You know what this doesn’t turn into? A “mass” knife attack.
Anonymous
Japan is a small aging island nation. I don’t think that it can be replicated, especially when there isn’t likely to be high buy-in in most of the US.
Anonymous
I think that the UK would disagree re knife attacks.
anon
Real curious– what is the knife attack in the UK that resulted in the highest number of victims?
Anon
I’ll add on to your “I was there” comment. First, I’m so glad you are ok. Second, I was at a pressure cooker bombing. The Boston one. I was not physically injured. “Only” 3 people died. If they had a high powered rifle rather than 2 pressure cooker bombs the result would have been very different.
Anon
Exactly. Bombs, knives and cars can definitely be used to murder people, but it’s really hard to murder 20+ people in a couple of minutes with them.
LaurenB
We can tell, Anon, that you aren’t well traveled. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to go to Europe right now and have to explain that the US is perpetually “perplexed by the gun violence problem” while not doing anything about it? I have to repeatedly explain to my European (and Asian) colleagues that most educated people in America do not own guns or fetishize guns; it’s absolutely a rural, unsophisticated subculture.
Oh Just Stop
I know it’s super fun on this board to synonymize “rural” with “uneducated,” but not everyone rural is uneducated. Your blanket condescension is part of why people who live differently than you don’t listen to your ideas– patronization neutralizes your message. Congrats on being “well traveled.” But no one in Europe cares about your explanation.
As someone who grew up in a rural town of 250 people, I can tell you that the majority of us are for an assault weapons ban. Rural Americans don’t need assault weapons for hunting, and we know no one is coming for our legal, permitted handguns. We don’t mind waiting a few days to buy hunting rifles, so we are for universal background checks. You know who’s not? The gun lobby. Why don’t you follow the money and trace the root of the real support for assault weapons? Then you could stop blaming us rural simpletons, and maybe– just maybe– you’ll see that WE AGREE WITH YOU.
Anonymous
Who do you think pays for the gun lobby? Voters who want to keep unfettered access to their guns.
nutella
Then I do hope you are calling your representatives! And voting out representatives that answer to the gun lobby and not the voters! If not, do it today. Do it tomorrow. Tell your friends. Keep doing it. Please.
Anonymous
this reply is for anon at 11:54 re funding — citizen donations are just the tip of the iceberg with the NRA funding. I just went on a hunt to find a link about how most of the NRA funding came from “dark money” sources (possibly Russians), but couldn’t find a good source to post… but then found this whole bit about how the gun industry itself supports the NRA through donations for each gun bought; one company even funnels 10% of its sales to the NRA.
https://www.businessinsider.com/gun-industry-funds-nra-2013-1
Maudie Atkinson
“Your blanket condescension is part of why people who live differently than you don’t listen to your ideas– patronization neutralizes your message.”
Yes, +1, thank you.
And though I don’t own a firearm, your point that most people support an assault weapons ban and are for universal background checks also resonates with me. The strength of the gun lobby is not rural household gun owners, it’s gun manufacturers and the NRA.
LaurenB
If you’re rural and educated, then the shoe doesn’t fit, so there’s no need to wear it.
Maudie Atkinson
Except that–to torture the metaphor–you’re putting the shoe on us by lumping all rural people together.
The main point, though, is that this kind of disdain isn’t helpful. Maybe you’re able to persuade your non-American colleagues that not all of America is a monolith on this point, but those of us who support real gun control in the United States aren’t going to win folks to our side by suggesting that everyone who owns a gun is a fetishist and an uneducated, unsophisticated idiot. And that’s true even if a lot of people who DO fetishize guns are relatively uneducated and unsophisticated. The condescension is worse than not helpful–it further alienates people.
Anonymous
Maudie Atkinson – you seem extremely wound up about this, to the point where you aren’t really paying attention to the points people are making and responding to those, and are instead just reiterating your own points about how insensitive people are here to rural Americans. Couple of points: 1. after your first two posts I stopped reading what you had to say; 2. no one is forcing you to read this blog if you’re so triggered by it. Frankly I am rooting for rural America to die; once the teeny tiny towns across the US that are full of racists and rednecks die off maybe we can enact the social change that’s really needed. It’s happening now, sooner rather than later. You might want to save your strident and hysterical sympathy for people who actually deserve it.
Anonymous
The US isn’t a sentient being. The US isn’t perplexed. The US is filled with decent people, 99.99% of whom see mass murder as a tragedy. I am not embarrassed to be from here, especially when we saved the whole continent of Europe from a mass murderer.
Anonymous
” 99.99% of whom see mass murder as a tragedy”
– Americans don’t think this way. If you all did, you would change your laws to stop it from happening like other countries like the UK and New Zealand have done. You all are choosing to keep your guns and accept continued mass shootings.
AIMS
I agree with you that the politics are broken. I don’t agree that it isn’t safe to raise kids in this country. The statistics of something tragic like this are way too much, no question, but you are still statistically more likely to die of so many other things like the flu or a car accident or whatever else. And while yes there are “safer” places to raise your kids I find it hyperbolic to hear things like this. Tell that to the thousands (millions?) of refugee kids who are risking life and limb to get into this country because where they are truly isn’t safe. We can make these points without losing sight of reality, and I think it would strengthen the point you’re trying to make.
Anon
My point is that the “reality” is that kids in the US are much more likely to die in a senseless shooting than kids in other high-income, stable countries. I don’t want to water down that message and that advocacy with “well it isn’t THAT bad here.”
Anonymous
But they are not likely to die in them, period. They are more likely to die via car wreck, or because I live near a bunch of antivaxxers, from an entirely preventable disease (so basically, a death attributable to Jenny McCarthy).
Never too many shoes...
Totally agree. You know that other countries do not run active shooter drills in schools or sell bulletproof backpacks to shield preschoolers from bullets – it is unthinkable in almost every other industrialized nation in the world.
pugsnbourbon
Anon at 9:52: Are you Neil Degrasse-Tyson?
Correct, car accidents are the leading cause of death in children and teens. Firearms are the second, though, and the rate of children dying due to firearms in the US is 36x that of similar high-income countries.
https://www.marketwatch.com/story/here-are-the-major-causes-of-deaths-among-teens-and-children-60-were-preventable-2018-12-20
Anonymous
I don’t think our standards should be so low, that we’re happy to be safer than refugee producing countries. I want my country to be as safe as other industrialized democratic nations. And we are not.
Anon
Right. I don’t think the OP was comparing the US to Syria or Honduras. Of course we are safer than those places. But we’re far less safe than Japan, Australia, pretty much all of Europe, etc. When someone points that out, it seems like a weird response to say that America is fine because refugees from wartorn countries are eager to get in.
AIMS
I don’t think anyone would be taking issue (certainly not me) if the comment was “there is no reason for it to be this way – no other wealthy, industrialized country has this problem.” It’s when you go from that to “it’s not safe to have kids here” that you lose people. My point – as someone who agrees on the issue and wants to persuade people rather than make them think we are being hysterical – is that your argument is less persuasive when it’s easily taken apart like this.
Anonymous
I don’t know why every other similar country manages to get this right. I was raised in a hunting family. I’d never suggest we ban all guns, and I don’t think any policy proposals actually do so. Yet, that’s the argument I hear from pro-gun family/friends. It is so very frustrating.
lsw
This is my experience exactly.
Anonymous
This. Hunting happens in lots of places. But you don’t need assault rifles to hunt. I live in Canada where we have moose and bear hunting. There is literally no animal that you need an assault rifle to take down. There is a specific list in our hunting regulations on what guns can be used for hunting which animals. And if you can’t pass a background check, you shouldn’t own a gun.
Handguns are also illegal in Canada, but I get that people are super attached to them in the US. But most of the mass shootings are not done with handguns.
Formerly Lilly
The only thing assault rifles are used to hunt is people.
Anonymous
My grandfathers both said this for YEARS. They were NRA members in the 70s and dropped membership in the 80s because the NRA got so crazy. One of my grandfathers was baffled by the pushback on background checks because he said (God love him) “Don’t people plan their hunting trips in advance?” He would go on week-long hunting trips that were planned well in advance and he would prep his guns for the trip before he left; he would never have wanted or needed to go hunting with a brand-new gun. Both sides of my family owned hunting rifles but no one had handguns and no one kept the guns loaded. Why would you keep a gun loaded when you’re not actively using it to hunt deer or pheasants? Guns are dangerous and we were taught that from the time we were tiny. Don’t touch guns unless you’re out hunting. I thought that was “gun culture” and was shocked and appalled to find out, as I got older, that to many people gun culture is, anyone should be able to buy any weapon they want at any time for any reason and P.S., people keep guns loaded in their houses for “personal protection.” There is not one uniform gun culture in the U.S. and not everyone who owns, or grew up around, guns believes in the NRA’s “Guns for Everyone Always” platform.
anon
Only chiming in because I haven’t seen it yet this morning: assault rifles are used to hunt hogs where hogs are a legitimate pest. Completely unnecessary? Yes. Do I agree that they should be banned? Yes, unequivocally. Is there a far better way to control the hog population? Probably, I have no idea. Because people’s lives are so much more important that I find it abhorrent that anyone thinks being able to hunt hogs with an assault rifle is worth the toll it is taking on the public.
Also, gun control? Yes, and that is on McConnell. But, also, hateful rhetoric? Also hugely contributive and I find it disgusting that members of the republican party are not calling their reps in droves to tell them to cut it the eff out, and to call on their party “leader” to do the same.
Anonymous
Mitch McConnell dislocated his shoulder this weekend in a slip and fall at his house. My husband and I turned to each other and said, at the same time, “I hope it REALLY, REALLY hurts.” That guy deserves nothing but the worst of everything. I hope he dies of rectal cancer.
Anon
Anonymous at 12:02, I hope it really hurts too. That man doesn’t just contribute nothing to this country, he makes it actively worse and has completely reneged on all of his responsibilities and civic duty (not just on gun control).
LaurenB
Oh, thoughts and prayers for Mitch McConnell on his shoulder injury. That’s good enough for the families and friends of those who perished in Sandy Hook / Aurora CO / Orlando / Gilroy / Virginia Tech / Dayton / El Paso / I can’t even remember there are so many. So it should be good enough for him. No medical care needed.
I hope he has some realization that while he has excellent health care coverage, there are many, many people for whom that sort of injury would need to be toughed through, or for whom the treatment would be a terrible burden.
anonshmanon
Are your relatives open to keeping their guns locked up to prevent them from falling into the wrong hands?
Anonymous
I’m not the person you’re responding to but I’m also from a hunting family. Yes, my relatives all keep their guns locked in a gun safe in the garage. And hunters have to take a safety course to get their hunting license, which needs to be renewed every year, and I think they have to take a safety course every so many years to continue to get a license. I don’t understand why the same licensure process can’t apply to getting a gun.
LaurenB
So the two women on here from hunting backgrounds are from sane gun-owning culture — background checks, license / registration / safety courses, no need for assault weapons, ensuring locked up when not in use, never in the hands of children, etc. Why have those common-sense sentiments been hijacked by the yee-haw-guns-24/7 folks?
Anon
LaurenB, I’m from a family that had a gun for personal protection but also is for background checks, registration, safety courses, etc. We lived somewhere super rural with no local police so everyone had their own gun in case of home invasion or whatever other perceived threat there was. I’m on of the “sensible” gun people you refer to it.
I live somewhere else now that has way less of a need for guns for protection but has a really strong “it’s my constitutional right” culture. These are otherwise intelligent people that believe that you have to be allowed weapons of the same caliber as your government to overthrow said government if it ever became necessary. So then we have an arms race. 2A people getting bigger guns than their local police force and then the local police force getting bigger guns to have what they need to respond if Mr. 2A decides he wants to kill his wife or neighbors.
These same folks get very itchy about background checks and mental health stuff. What is enough to bar someone from a gun? Who decides what is “crazy”?
I don’t agree with them but thought I could provide you what I hear from the yee-haw folks. I guess they missed the well-regulated part of their militia. They are the people saying stuff like “when seconds count, the police are minutes away.” They worry about protecting their family and food supply in a major weather disaster like Katrina.
emeralds
As another person who grew up in a hunting family, who has herself shot skeet within the last year: because the NRA and the gun lobby doesn’t actually care what these folks want.
LaurenB
“These are otherwise intelligent people that believe that you have to be allowed weapons of the same caliber as your government to overthrow said government if it ever became necessary. So then we have an arms race.”
So how come they aren’t protesting that you can’t have a rocket launcher or a tank in your backyard? Do they also take issue with the fact that they can’t bring their weapons into the county courthouse, the US Congress, the airplane?
Anon
LaurenB,
Sadly, rocket launchers are legal in my state. I’m in NH. Also, you can bring your gun into the statehouse. You can’t bring it into the courthouse and they try to change that all the time. I’m not sure if you can legally have a tank here. I only know about the rocket launchers because it sadly was a joke on a late night tv show but is unfortunately, true. Also, they continue to fight to bring their guns (and other weapons) everywhere.
Anonymous
Except that the US, as a country, is not killing children. People are — please let them own their evil. We definitely did not (collectively or as a people with a bit of a representative government).
Anon
Nope. The Republicans members of the Senate (especially Mitch) that refuse to take up the background checks bill that the House passed earlier this year have blood on their hands. They are at least partially responsible for all these deaths.
anononon
Honest question here: would a background check have caught something on this guy? Does a background check involve reading someone’s social media to see how crazy it is? That’s the only background of the El Paso guy that I have seen that would have caused concern about giving him a gun. And honestly, I can see a problem with allowing government authorities to go read and weigh your speech. I also think if a background check would allow that, it would take a really long time, and that would be fine for hunters but it might not be fine for other people wanting a gun for protection.
If I’m wrong, please let me know!
Anonymous
You’re wrong because background checks work everywhere else. If you can’t pass a background check, you shouldn’t have a gun. Period. That’s safe and sensible.
Anonymous
Much of the gun crime in my city (only one mass shooting, that by someone with no prior record) are done by felons, so they are convicted, often of something relating to violence. They just steal guns. So background checks may work, but not in a way that affects our crime rate. [And no one really seems to care about people in the life killing each other, but these guys often hit bystanders or just spray gunfire (b/c while automatic weapons are illegal, they still have them), and if your dad is a drug dealer and he gets shot, your whole family is now without its income source, so these aren’t no-consequence crimes even if it is drug dealers killing rivals or people they have a beef with.]
Anon
Her point is this shooter would have passed a background check. Not to say background checks are a bad idea– they’re a great idea. But would they have stopped a shooter with no criminal history, no record, nothing that would have shown up on a background check?
Anonymous
The criminals in my city cause 99% of our gun crime and they probably aren’t about to present themselves for a background check. Expecting laws to work in a country awash in guns is just not realistic — if laws haven’t affected basic gun crime, I see them being less likely to affect mass murderers. Without confiscating existing guns, laws affecting guns won’t affect rates of gun crimes from individual shootings or mass shootings.
Anonymous
Except that that’s not how it works — many? most of our mass shooters could have passed background checks. The rest can get their hands on a gun that was bought legally by someone else.
The killer in CT killed his mother and stole her guns (which maybe would have been his via inheritance, so perhaps he only stole them from her estate?), all of which is illegal, but I think even he could have passed all but the most invasive of background checks (mentally unstable, but not in a way that generated a police record, and many people rightly want to keep mental health records private, so that depends on a person of ill intent being willing to be candid about which mental health professionals might even know about their true selves).
I truly do not see anything as likely to actually work and prevent this sort of thing.
LaurenB
People steal cars and forge registration papers, but we don’t act stupid and throw up our hands and say we shouldn’t register cars and transfer of title. People will always come up with fake IDs, but that doesn’t mean we throw drivers’ licenses out the window and let everyone drive without any proof of being able to drive a car. I truly do not get this defeatist “well, people will find a way around …” mentality. It’s absolutely unAmerican.
RR
And the POTUS who incites this violence, and every politician and every voter who thinks this is a fair price to pay if it puts more money in their pocket and only affects people who don’t look like them.
Anonymous
Of course it is, with inadequate laws. The US values basically unrestricted gun ownership over the lives of its citizens.
Anonymous
So you yourself are killing kids? Go turn yourself in.
Anon
First of all, it’s men, not people, who are directly responsible for the near-total majority of all gun deaths in the US. Second, Congress has blood on its hands for refusing to act. To not stop violent murder when you have the democratically elected power to do so is heinous.
Anonymous
What do you really expect?
Half of Congress seems to be manadated to do no such thing. And if they all go rogue, what next? Do they suspend the 4th and 14th amendments and just search all of our houses and confiscate what they find (so that includes a whole host of unrelated contraband, etc.)? I don’t see how any of this is realistic except in the most comprehensive police states.
Anonymous
Then I suggest you get your head of from under the bridge and educate yourself, because it is perfectly possible to do without violating any constitutional provisions.
Anon
If you think sensible gun legislation is equivalent to “going rogue” and suspending civil liberties, then I can’t help you.
Anonymous
‘the most comprehensive police states’? Seriously? Yeah, no. The fact that some people might not want to turn in their guns does not mean the country devolves to a police state. Hyberbole like that is what people hunting weapons like assault rifles to proliferate.
Anon
There are options between “you can access most types of guns, including military-style assault rifles, without a background check via gun show and person-to-person sale loopholes” and “suspend all amendments related to search and seizure”
anon
“I don’t see how any of this is realistic except in the most comprehensive police states.”
…… do you consider most Western nations to be “comprehensive police states”?
Anonymous
What do you do with existing guns then?
Gun buy-backs result in people turning in old and inoperable guns, not the guns that criminals use in their crimes. Do you make a bunch of otherwise law-abiding gun possessors now de facto criminals by making their guns “illegal”? Do you make people turn them all in?
There are a LOT of guns in this country — I get that you can legislate new possessions and sales and products. But I don’t think that will affect one bit the existing laws (or that criminals ignore laws anyway b/c most of the gun crime in my city is done by people who couldn’t legally have the gun in the first place b/c they were already felons).
anon
To those asking about existing guns… It might take a while (generations) but they will fade and become more and more rare, harder to find, and harder to acquire (and more expensive). The alternative is to allow them to continue to be manufactured and sold completely unregulated. Which leads to easier access? Why is this not obvious?
Anon
@ 11:53, YES, it is like smoking. Attitudes will change over time. We have to start somewhere.
Anon
I completely agree that I feel like nothing is going to change. I was having brunch with a friend on Sunday, and my response was so skeptical when she brought it up. I’m just honestly at the point where I think that nothing is ever going to make a difference in how we regulate guns, and then more common these shootings become, the more desensitized we become to them.
Like, I’m at the point where I feel like, absent shootings becoming so common that every single person in the US has lost a friend or family member to gun violence, nothing is going to change. And I hope we never get to that point.
anon
I have hope that when the generation of kids who have lived their lives in fear of being killed at school gets old enough to be in congress, that’s when things will change.
Gun owner
I am a gun owner – I own a shotgun for target shooting, kept locked, unloaded, and ammunition stored separately if I even have any on hand – it’s usually purchased just when I go to the range. Personally I’m ready to repeal the Second Amendment and move to a model where gun ownership is not a right. Don’t just require background checks – provide that nobody can buy a gun unless they can find an insurance company that will underwrite a policy that covers multiple millions in claims if the firearm is ever used to cause injury to person or property or to take a life. Require all firearms to be registered and hold gun owners strictly liable for injuries caused by firearms that they own. Ban ownership of guns by anyone who has a record of a misdemeanor or felony involving violence. I’d even be okay moving to a system like they have in some countries where your guns have to be stored at the police station and you have to check them out to take them hunting/to the range.
Guns aren’t what guarantee our safety from criminals – a vanishingly tiny percentage of gun owners are actually qualified to use them for home/personal defense, and a gun in your own is more likely to be involved in injuring a member of your family than to protect you from robbers. And guns aren’t what protect us from government tyranny – the social contract does that, and most of the democratic world does just fine without it.
I would give up my hobby in a second if doing so would stop this.
anon
Thank you. Have you shared this with your congressional rep? (Especially worth doing if you are in a red district.)
Gun owner
I’m in John Lewis’s district, so already blue (although in a red state). I’ve called the governor’s office but Kemp couldn’t care less. Thoughts and prayers all the way to our graves.
anon
I’m anon at 11:48 and feel you. I’m in Austin and our districts are so gerrymandered that it feels pointless to call. I still do, but I know as soon as they put my zip in it just helps them gerrymander better.
Anon
The craziest thing to me is that we had an assault weapons ban in the ’90s. And it expired. We’ve done this once before – why not again? Even Republicans’ almighty Ronald Reagan supported it at the time.
Sadly, I wish the stats on the effect of the ban were more compelling. I think it’s important to note the rise of social media since we last had a ban. All these depressed white men stewing in hate online…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Assault_Weapons_Ban
Anon
Time to resurrect this quote:
I want any young men who buy a gun to be treated like young women who seek an abortion. Think about it: a mandatory 48-hours waiting period, written permission from a parent or a judge, a note from a doctor proving that he understands what he is about to do, time spent watching a video on individual and mass murders, traveling hundreds of miles at his own expense to the nearest gun shop, and walking through protesters holding photos of loved ones killed by guns, protesters who call him a murderer. After all, it makes more sense to do this for young men seeking guns than for young women seeking an abortion. No young woman needing reproductive freedom has ever murdered a roomful of strangers.
Anon
Exactly.
Anonymous
There is already a waiting period, no? For the background check?
[But IIRC, that applies to sales by firearms dealers. Not things like inheritance or private sales or criminals possessing illegal weapons sharing among themselves.]
anon
Doesn’t even have to be an inheritance. ANY private sale (non-dealer to any other person) or gift is exempt from the background check. I struggle to understand how going to a gun show is different than going to a store where guns are sold. Why in the H*LL would a gun show be lower risk?!?
Anonymous
For the gun show, the deal is that it is private sellers selling. So seller-based regulations still apply. Like I think you can sell a gun on Craigslist (although I am too scared to sell a used prom dress b/c I don’t want money and strangers in my house — I always think that Craigslist buyers are out to rob you of any item worth a significant sum, which I would deem to include all guns).
Anonymous
I think that a federal firearms dealer engages in a certain quantum of sales. Above that, you need a license. Below that, you don’t. The sellers at gun shows may or may not be licensed, but for individual sellers, just being at a gun show doesn’t change the law — if you sell below the quantum, you aren’t required to have a license.
[Like when my uncle dies, I will inherit his guns. Some of them may have value to a collector, so I will probably sell them, in bulk. I don’t think I should need a license for that; otherwise, I have a nuisance on my hands and would prefer the $. Expecting him to sell when he is alive is . . . unrealistic.]
anon
I understand how the exception got there, I just think is bullsh*t. If you sell at a gun show, you should be required to run background checks.
As for guns you inherit or otherwise come to own but want to dispose of, why can it not be mandatory to sell them to a licensed dealer? That way the next time they make it to private hands, a background check has been done. It will reduce the value for resellers, but…I’m fine with that.
Anon
Waiting period is state specific. Background check is federal. My no waiting period state does the background check in less than 10 minutes while you wait at the gun store.
LaurenB
No. Nothing prevents me from making a trade privately / on Craigslist (etc) and what’s even more horrifying, giving it to my kid.
Anonymous
Sounds reasonable to me
anon
All of the above, and instead of a transvaginal ultrasound also let’s add a transrectal ultrasound so we can make sure that his head isn’t stuck up there.
Anon
Hahaha
Anonymous
that actually sounds like a good way to regulate buying a gun!
Senior Attorney
Yep yep yep.
Anon
I work in the world of Domestic Violence.
I’m totally cool with repealing the Second Amendment and severely restricting gun ownership (lengthy background checks and licensing requirements with safety education components, limits on quantities, spot checks to make sure people follow the rules, etc).
I know this isn’t going to happen in the next year or two (ha) for tons of political and logistical reasons, but I just want to say that in an ideal world, that’s where I would want to be. And I wish someone was saying this, instead of everyone trying to be so moderate all the time and achieving nothing.
Anon
Anyone wanting proof that background checks or other common sense steps would stop the shootings need only look at the statistics comparing US gun violence to other countries that have such checks/legislation. The “well you can’t say 100% it would have stopped each and every shooting” is intellectually dishonest and you know it.
Anonymous
I don’t think that those countries have as guns already there as we do. Per capita, we are awash in guns. Even if no coastal readers here have them, there are just so many in cities that you’ll never really be rid of them. And a lot of them are valuable, so people aren’t about to give them up even if they acknowledge that they don’t need them (or all of them, if you have 9 guns, you could make do with 1, right?).
Sadly, I think that no regulation will move the needle absent confiscation. And I don’t think that anyone is brave enough to point that out, politically. But I 100% think that is is true. And I also am resigned to being stuck where we are.
anon
But why in the world would we not START the process? Their numbers WILL decline in time, even without confiscation.
Is it Friday yet?
And how about seriously limiting the sale of ammunition? Especially the sort that is used in assault rifles.
anonshmanon
Please, please, try to read more about Australia’s history with gun legislation and open yourself up to new ideas. You say you want things to change. No one law will stop this problem in a day, and not even in five years. But there are lots of ways to drastically cut these incidents. Wikipedia has 323 mass shootings listed for 2018. Most of these were committed with legally acquired guns, not stolen/smuggled guns. A lot of these were guns the shooter could not have taken from the owner, had they been in a safe. Some have prior convictions that would have been flagged in a background check. Some bought their gun just recently before the shooting, and would have have been delayed by a mandatory waiting period.
Yes change will be slow, but only doing nothing will ensure it will never change. The civil rights movement and women’s rights movement have been going on for decades (and are nowhere near done), but they started at some point.
Anonymous
“I think that no regulation will move the needle absent confiscation. ”
– This has been proven wrong many, many times. Gun regulation works. You can fear monger about it all you want but that doesn’t change facts.
Anon
+1. It’s also intellectually dishonest to claim that background checks are a slippery slope to totalitarianism and the government suspending all of your civil liberties.
Anon
Does anyone have recommendations for a family-friendly all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean? We’re not interested in Jamaica or the DR and a lot of them seem to be there. We don’t want to do Atlantis or something like that because our kids are very young toddlers and aren’t old enough to take advantage of all the activities. We really like food, and although we don’t expect Michelin-starred cuisine at an AI, it would be a big plus if the food was tasty.
Anonymous
Beaches Turks and Caicos? I haven’t been but it was top of list when we were looking at a family trip last year. We decided to do Europe instead as some great family friendly beach resorts there too but many are not AI.
Anonymous
How is Beaches for teens?
Cat
The Turks & Caicos Beaches is a hit for several of my parent friends (kids are preschool or young elementary). They do go “off campus” for a few non-AI dinners.
Anon
Look at Barbados. There are a lot of all-inclusive resorts there.
Never too many shoes...
The Occidental at Xcaret on the Mayan Riviera. It has a manmade bay inlet rather than open ocean so it is great for smaller kids.
Anon
Spice Island Beach Resort in Grenada! The resort welcomes families but has a quieter, more adult feel (no waterpark like Atlantis/Beaches) and the food is phenomenal. Beaches is ok. If you like snorkeling, the Beaches TCI has good snorkeling within walking distance. We go to TCI every few years but stay at a non-AI resort nearby, and buy a day pass to Beaches to use their waterpark one day. I wouldn’t want to stay there all week. The food is very mediocre.
JTM
If Mexico is on your radar, we loved The Fives Azul Beach Club and Resort in Playa del Carmen. All inclusive and family friendly.
Anon
Thanks all! JTM, we hadn’t been looking at Mexico because we have gone there several times before but the Azul resorts look really nice. I think we might end up going to one of them.
Anonymous
We just got back from a Disney cruise in the Caribbean. I thought I would hate it, but it was actually a ton of fun and great for little kids. The food was good–not the most amazing I’ve ever had, but still enjoyable.
Neck strain from laptop bag....advice please
OK, I’ve managed to attend 3 week long conferences and multiple business trips round trip East to West coast between May – July, carrying my laptop bag (nylon Radley Spring Tote…not even that heavy) in right hand while walking in heels (2.5 inch) and developed a stiff strained neck and muscle knots in upper shoulder right side. Went to doctor who prescribed steroids to reduce inflammation, TENS device (super helpful), and exercises. After almost one week, neck is feeling much better and full mobility almost returned. I will not carry my laptop anymore at conferences….I realized I have been carrying it “in case” I need to do some work which almost never happens AND I don’t feel 100% comfortable leaving it in my hotel room. Question – what do you do with laptop? Do you leave it in the room? Do you put it away in a suitcase? In the safe?
anne-on
Does your company have guidelines on this? The rule in my company is either laptops need to be with you, or secured in either a safe or powered off and secured via a locking cable to something immovable (ie – table leg, bed, etc.). Annoying yes, but in room safes are generally big enough in even HCOL cites to secure a 15in laptop or smaller.
anon
Yes, of course….laptop has confidential information on it and must kept secure. I’ll have to look at locking cables…never used a hotel safe and will have to check into that too
Anon
Your laptop’s harddrive should be appropriately encrypted and when you leave the laptop, you turn it off. That is enough to prevent someone from retrieving confidential information off of it.
Cat
I leave it in the room (powered off or at least logged off). The odds that a housekeeper is going to steal it seem awfully low.
Anonymous
I leave it in the hotel room. It’s never been an issue.
Anonymous
Hotel safe in room. Fits most laptops I’ve had in recent years. Powered off as well.
anon
OP here…thanks, I will check out the hotel safe….is the locking/combo easy to use? Thanks in advance….
anonshmanon
There is usually a manual directly on the safe. I once forgot my PIN and reception was able to unlock it for me.
tesyaa
I read some advice recently to take a picture of the code after you set it.
Anonymous
I mean they’re all different but usually you just press a button, type in a code, press another button, and it locks. There are always instructions.
anon
Yes, it’s usually very easy to use with instructions printed on the front or inside the door. I’m honestly shocked you travel as much as you do and haven’t used one. I think you can also have many hotels put certain items in their safe–so if you need to check out, you might use that option versus leaving it with your luggage in general.
anon
OP here…you’re right I travel alot and I’m behind on this….always kept the device with me at all times but realize there is no need and I need to change my pattern…thank you all for your advice!
anon
:) Sorry, reread my comment–I didn’t mean to be snarky, it was just an attempt to point out that it is very easy! Lug that computer no more!
Anon
FWIW, it is safer to keep the computer in the hotel room. Just as when you travel internationally, everyone recommendations that you lock you passport in your hotel room safe so it doesn’t get stolen off of you when you are sightseeing. When you carry a computer around, you have a valuable possession that is easy to steal. The chances your computer bag gets stolen are so, so much higher than the chances your computer gets stolen from your hotel room, regardless of whether it is in the safe.
Vicky Austin
Can you get a Dedicated Conference Backpack?
Anon
I generally just leave it in my room in the US. When I’m traveling internationally, I leave it in the hotel room safe. The hotel room safes are super easy to work.
GovtMule
When you have house guests, do you feed them? I just got back from a weekend with my in-laws, where they had zero plans for meals. I don’t expect to be waited on, but I also feel like it is presumptuous to make our own plan.
When we have house guests, I assume it’s my job to either feed them, or make sure they have access to food. Are my expectations unreasonable? What do you expect when you are a house guest, and what do you expect when you are a host?
Anon
I think your expectations are normal. That said, I’d love if we visited somewhere and could make the food plan entirely ourselves – I get an absurd amount of joy out of researching and choosing restaurants and my in laws in particular have horrible taste in restaurants so it would be a blessing if they didn’t take charge of food.
Anon
I would hate it if someone I was visiting had planned all the meals down to where were going to eat out without my input. When I’m visiting family, they will often ask if there are any particular meals I would like cooked or restaurants I want to visit about a week before the visit. But often, it will just be a general plan to eat dinner out, and we will discuss options when people are starting to get hungry for dinner.
anon
Do they let you know that you are on your own? Do they eat and exclude you? This is terribly bad manners either way
Cat
Your expectations are normal. What that means in reality will vary by family, but for my in laws, they have fruit, yogurt, and muffin type things (which we all eat and like) ready to grab for breakfast, they ask us in advance what we’d like for lunches (lunch meat, etc) so although we all “make” our own food, it’s on-hand, and we discuss the dinner plan (they’ll cook one night, we’ll treat them to dinner out as a thank you one night, we’ll cook one night with food they bought, etc.)
Did your in laws just expect you to rummage through the fridge / pantry to find your own food? What did you eat?
Anonymous
I think in-laws are different than regular house guests. Usually in advance of a visit, DH might request a favorite meal or two that his mom makes. And if we are there for three dinner times, usually she’ll cook twice and we’ll take them out to dinner once.
Anonymous
I agree. I stock up if a friend or more distant family member is coming to visit– and I do try to get some favorites for my in laws or parents — but I don’t go too far out of my way. Part of this is my parents and in-laws are much more likely to show up on a Friday morning while I’m at work because flights are cheaper or traffic is lighter — they’re more relaxed in my house, so I’m less likely to roll out the red carpet. (And, at least with my ILs, I’ll cop to being a little passive aggressive about the “more convenient” arrival times– somehow I’m always the one running around the house on Thursday night making sure there are fresh sheets and enough TP.)
Anonymous
I always have breakfast/a plan to go out. I expect we will be out for lunch and dinner, but if we aren’t going to be I cook. And I make a point of having snacks and nibbles on hand.
780
Not really. I will have food around the house, especially for breakfast, but no detailed plans about when meals will be. But it is often just someone going, “I’m hungry. What do you want to do for lunch?” The same way I would when I’m hanging out with friends for a day. Especially with family, we just tell each other what we want and what we are in mood to do. What happened when your or your husband mentioned that you were hungry?
I guess I’m confused about how you would plan meals ahead of time, because most of the rest of our activities are not planned in advance. We might have a list of activities that we are thinking of doing during the visit. But we don’t know if we are going to do activity A on Monday or Thursday, and when we do activity B may depend on the weather.
Anonymous
For family visits, we always discuss meals in the context of the overall itinerary shortly after arrival. If plans are more fluid, we decide what to do about each day’s lunch and dinner the night before or in the morning. Host usually provides breakfast and most dinners, plus lunches if the plan is for everyone to be at home around lunchtime or to picnic together. Guests usually take the hosts out to dinner one night and tend to announce this at the beginning of the visit so the night can be planned in advance. Guests eat lunch and dinner out on their own if they are off doing activities without the hosts during those mealtimes.
We have guests today who are going off on their own while my husband and I are at work. They ate leftovers from yesterday’s brunch for breakfast, will eat lunch out, and told me they’d be home for dinner, so I’m picking up groceries to cook a quick dinner.
In our family the purpose of a visit is to hang out together, not just to provide a place for the visitors to crash, and family meals are part of that.
Vicky Austin
As the host, I usually have a rough idea of “one dinner at home, one dinner out,” etc., and I will ask if the guests particularly like/dislike anything (as well as allergies). I’ll usually have ingredients for a couple of options, and then when lunchtime rolls around, I can say, “Well, I can whip up some x, or we have y or z, what sounds good to you?”
Plus keeping snackables and breakfastables around is important, obviously.
Lana Del Raygun
I think it’s the host’s duty to provide food. For breakfast, we tend to do the “cereal is there, bread is there, milk is there” routine and either cook dinner or plan dinner out; lunch is somewhere in between depending on what we’re doing that day. I grew up in a very eat-dinner-together family so that may not apply well to households where dinner is on more of a foraging basis, but I do think it’s awkward to forage at someone else’s house so I try not to put my guests in that position apart from breakfast, which seems different to me somehow.
At my husband’s dad’s house it’s always up in the air when dinner will happen and how many people will be involved and whether it will be cooked from scratch or frozen pizza or pretzels and hummus, and the whole thing stresses me out so much.
Worry about yourself
I don’t host overnight guests often, but I do generally ask them what they’d like to do for meals, what they like for breakfast, whether they’d prefer to eat most meals out while exploring the city, or whether we should plan on making meals and eating in, and I brainstorm a list of places to suggest. There are places around here that are just more fun with bigger groups, like hotpot and cajun seafood boil places, so I like the opportunity to go to those places when we have people visiting from out of town.
Anon
Is that their normal modus operandi? My mother survives on Goldfish crackers and M&Ms. I know when I visit her that if I want square meals, which, yes, I do, thank you, I have to go to the store myself. What did your husband think about this?
But I’ve had two MILs, both of whom are wonderful women, and they always call in advance to see what we’ll want to eat during our visit. Both of them like cooking for their families, though.
anon
Eh, I don’t know. I feel like feeding my own nuclear family is our responsibility, so I always operate under this mindset unless told differently. For example, we visited some of my extended family out of state last year. Since our flight landed really late, I had a grocery delivery to their house earlier that day with breakfast and snack items. I didn’t want to put any burden on them to go shopping for us since they were already generously letting us stay at their house.
Anon
I like the idea of doing this as a guest, but as a host I would find this so weird. I’m not very offendable so I wouldn’t be upset necessarily, but this seems like something where you need to know your audience.
Anonymous
I would be so offended by this! I’m hosting you! There will be food! This isn’t a vacation rental.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
Yeah, I’d be pretty bummed out if I were hosting a relative and her family and she sent a grocery delivery to my house. (At least, without asking — there are many ways to phrase it “we’re so happy to get to see you and don’t want to make you work too hard… can I send a grocery delivery with some of my kids’ favorite snacks?”) I mean, I’d be equally bummed if a relative showed up with family in tow and expected to be fed three meals a day without lifting a finger, but there are ways to communicate expectations and most people fall in the middle of the spectrum.
Anon
Right. I think it’s fine to ask (especially if you have kids and/or complicated dietary restrictions) but PLEASE ask. I can’t imagine doing this without asking!
Strategy Mom
Was this some kind of bizarre passive aggressive move by your MIL to suggest she feels taken advantage of when yall come visit and she doesnt enjoy playing chef all weekend?
My MIL has an eating disorder and eats one meal a day… I haven’t missed a meal in decades… it has made for some awkward situations lol. Now I know to force my hubbie to ask about the game plan in advance (including us offering to take them out so they don’t feel like the burden is all on them)
Wow
Yes, I absolutely feed house guests. I ask beforehand what they like to eat, and I stock the fridge to the gills with food before their arrival. I always cook several meals, and if we go out, I will treat them. And I always make a lot of food so no one feels self conscious about taking too much food or taking the last bite of something. I think it’s very rude not to have enough food in the house.
Anonymous
I have to hear about this every time my mother hosts my brother and his family. My mom is a very good hostess; she wants to do everything she can to make everyone feel welcome and happy. Brother’s family has some dietary restrictions. Figuring out what to feed them stresses mom out to no end. To make matters worse, the family tends to eat against their dietary restrictions when they go out – I guess as a treat – which sends my mother into a tizzy. My mother has never spoken to my brother or his family about any of this, to my knowledge. Also, they don’t buy anything special for her when she visits, which she finds offensive. Instead of having a conversation, she now passive aggressively refuses (not that they’ve asked…) to buy soy milk or whatever. I don’t think they’ve noticed.
anon
I always offer to feed house guests, but I also communicate before they arrive. I’ll usually text a few days ahead of time and ask, “I’m going to the store tomorrow. What do you guys like for breakfast? Anything in particular you want me to have on hand?” Then I’ll stock up on some standard breakfast and lunch foods, snacks, fruits and vegetables, etc. We usually have at least dinners out, but I also live in a city known for food where people want to eat out when they visit. When guests are staying for a longer period of time (like a week), I’ll have a plan for a few meals at home and often will cook ahead.
Anonymous
I got a Phone Soap sanitizer for my birthday a week ago, and I’m in love. I stick my phone with its case/popsocket inside, shut the lid, and wait 10 minutes. It uses light to sanitize. Highly recommend. I’ve been using alcohol wipes periodically for years…this is so much easier. It says you can also sanitize keys, pacifiers, or anything else that fits inside, too.
lsw
I’ve been curious about these because every time my toddler touches my phone I’m totally grossed out. Ha. Where did you get yours? Do you take it out of the case, or can it clean in between the case and the phone?
Anonymous
It was a present. I think it was purchased online, but I can ask. You leave the case on. I’ve become really addicted to santizing things, like my ID, keys, back up battery pack…
lsw
Thanks!
anon
Can someone tell me why it is worth sanitizing your phone? Do you also sanitize your keyboard, mouse, all the doorknobs you touch, your office phone headset, and on and on? I’m genuinely curious.
KTA
…. yes. duh. yes, I periodically clorox wipe my phone, my keyboard and my doorknobs (doorknobs at home). even if you don’t care about germs, all of these things get oily, sticky, or just smudged to look at. if you don’t clean these things once a week or once a month… congrats, you’re gross.
Winter
Just for the record…I don’t think you’re gross.
Inspired By Hermione
Why is the snark necessary?
Anon
I think the world divides into two groups – those that clean everything on a weekly or monthly basis and those who don’t clean those types of things unless they are noticeable dirty. Neither group understands the other, and both think they are right.
Anon
Omg it’s actually $100? I want the device, but is there nothing cheaper out there??
Sutemi
One of the perks of the iPhones that are water-resistant is that you can just wash them with soap and water every couple days. No special tools required.
sports bra with fixed padding
IIRC, there was some chatter recently re sports bras with fixed (non-removable) padding. I am not huge, but hate having to deal with the “cookies” when doing laundry (or forgetting).
If you posted in response to that, can you repost?
Thanks!
anne-on
I love these, sadly they’re being discontinued it seems. Lucky (cheap!) sizes
https://www.sierra.com/moving-comfort-fineform-sports-bra-medium-impact-for-women~p~9810n/
Jess
The Senita Sarah Bra has fixed padding.
Anon
I love this one. It kept the headlights off while nursing! And it’s bra sized.
https://www.amazon.com/Champion-Womens-Shaped-T-Back-Sport/dp/B000LUY0XC
Post-baby hospital gifts
For those of you who’ve had babies, what would you have loved to have a (very close) visitor being to the hospital, whether practical or fun?
Anonymous
Food. Hot, delicious real food. I had hyperemesis and basically couldn’t eat for nine months, so as soon as I delivered that baby I wanted to eat all the food.
Lana Del Raygun
I asked for oreos and they were the best.
MagicUnicorn
Food. Friends came and took my husband out for breakfast and as soon as they were out the door the nurse let me know I missed the (horrible, rubbery, tasteless) hospital breakfast ordering cutoff by 5 minutes and I was SO HUNGRY.
lsw
That seems like a crime!!
Irish Midori
Homemade cookies. Still warm.
Housecounsel
I was never so happy as when my BFF brought me lunch. It was Panera, nothing fancy, but it was real food!
Strategy Mom
Yes to homemade cookies!! And individual serving size cans of champagne/rose! Probably discouraged by nurses, but a few celebratory sips would be a fun way to celebrate (or she can save for when she goes home). Comfy socks
Anonymous
Food and good coffee (in a cup for me to drink immediately).
Delta Dawn
Starbucks, barefoot dreams cardigan, fancy hand cream, and/or +1 to everyone’s food suggestions.
Anon
When my grandfather was in the hospital, he loved good coffee every morning and treats throughout the day.
Anonymous
I really wanted a whole sushi boat delivered to my hospital room. It never materialized because we were all too exhausted, but that was my dream.
Anonymous
Alcohol – you abstain (or close to it) for 9+ months and you really want a drink. You won’t want much at all, so quality over quantity. Also food. Nothing I have to carry home or send you a thank you for.
Anonymous
This. There will be beer in my hospital room come January, no question.
Anon
Me, January, champagne. High five.
anon
honestly, i was a hot mess post delivery and miserable. food is always a good option. if the person you are visiting loves sushi or lox, then those can be good. i honestly didnt need anything when i was in the hospital, but something like a gift card for a manicure or blow out or something to do for myself once i got home probably wouldve been best
Senior Attorney
Haha my mother-in-law brought me 1,000 one-dollar bills when I had my baby! Best gift ever!!
Beyond that, a one-pound box of my favorite candy (See’s assorted chocolates, for you Californians) all just for me.
Anon
That’s awesome!
Anon
Pacifier and formula. Because our hospital allowed none and I was too stupid to listen to the generations of women who used these and felt too guilty about bringing them just in case (because, you know, breast is best under ALL circumstances!). If my mom or someone had brought them the start of my life as a parent would have been way less nightmarish.
Nah
Don’t bring these to someone else who just had a baby. She will bring them herself if she wants them and will not want them from anyone else (it won’t be the right brand of formula or the right type paci or whatever).
Flats Only
Yikes! If breast feeding was an issue did the hospital plan to let the baby starve? Did they have a wet nurse on hand just in case?
Anon
Google “baby friendly hospital initiative.”
The plan is to browbeat women until they produce milk on demand.
Anonymous
Baby friendly = mother unfriendly
Flats Only
Eeek! Because psychological pressure is always the way to get physical results. Ugh.
nuqotw
I was absolutely desperate for any kind of meat because it made me sick in the last month or two of pregnancy. My in-laws brought me my favorite deli meat and I devoured it.
Another thing I liked was someone to hold the baby while I took a long shower (husband did this for me). A big fluffy towel would also be nice.I did not think to bring a towel with kid one and it was a mistake.
Anonymous
What is the women’s equivalent of jeans and a button down shirt? The men sometimes wear nicer shoes and sometimes wear sneakers. My workplace is pretty low key and I doubt anyone notices what I wear at all, but I honestly don’t know the answer to this.
Anonymous
Jeans and a blouse
anon
What is a “blouse”?
anonchicago
My office went jeans casual a few years ago and the men dress as you described (button down or polo and jeans). I typically wear a regular pullover shirt with blazer, basically what I would wear with dress pants except with jeans, and I wear flats or wedges instead of nice heels.
Anon
Jeans and a nice, professional-looking top. I hate button down shirts, so don’t wear them, but a knit top works well. Or a dress, if you prefer that.
Irish Midori
Trouser jeans and either blouse (if you’re still preppy) or solid tee with a necklace (more casual) or polo (super casual). Ballet flats or solid sneaker/oxford hybrid.
Anon
Jeans and a blouse. Button-down works, of course, but so do silk t-shirts, many of the types of blouses shown on this site, wrap tops, etc. For shoes, you can wear flats, oxfords, loafers, booties, or most types of nicer casual shoes that aren’t open toe or open heel.
Anonymous
Plus sized dance wear anyone? Kind of a long shot but I’m finding it so hard to find ballroom/Latin practice wear to fit a size 16. Loads of cheap stuff online but when you read the fine print it’s all “xxl is equivalent to a US size 8.”
Anemone
Those of you with curly hair, how do you keep your work clothes from pulling out the curl?
Anytime I wear anything other than a plain jewel-neck blouse (so, blazers, turtlenecks, the dreaded b-u-t-t-o-n-d-o-w-n shirt, etc.) the details around the neck area snag the underlayer of hair, and by lunchtime I have a limp circlet of barely-wavy hair dragging out from under a cloud of curls.
Is there a magic solution, other than “wear my hair up all the time” or “don’t wear a top with any details?”
DCR
How is the clothing snagging your hair? I don’t wear turtlenecks or button down shirts, so can’t help you there. But when I’m putting on a blazer or a cardigan, I use one hand to lift up my hair so it isn’t under the top and use the other to put it on. Then I lay my hair down over the back of the blazer or cardigan. I’ve never had a problem with it snagging, but I guess I can see how that would happen if you had short hair that ended at the top of the blazer.
Anon
Can you braid the bottom layer of hair? I have long wavy hair that matts horribly if I wear a sweater or any sort of textured top, so I braid the bottom layer of hair ahead of time. You can’t see the braid underneath my hair and it creates some space between the hair and my shirt/neck.
Anon
It sounds like your hair is at that akward “just past the neck” stage. The easiest solution would be to let it grow out past the neckline so the hair hangs below it or cut it shorter so the hair doesn’t meet the top of the neckline.
I agree with Anon @10:48 that is a viable solution for the meantime but can see it getting to be a pain in the neck over time.
Anon
Anyone familiar with intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy? A close relative is being tested for this and I’m worrying.
Anon
I know a woman who had it. Her daughter is adorable and both mother and baby are fine.
Strategy Mom
There are a lot of people tested (myself included) and very few people actually have it. So hopefully she is one of the majority who dont have anything!
Anonymous
If she has it, then they’ll want to deliver the baby as early as possible. A friend had a c-section at 37 weeks (not technically pre-term) when she was diagnosed with it at 36 weeks (she and baby are doing great; baby was born at a normal weight and went home after 2 days). It can be dangerous for mom and baby if they don’t do anything. Even if the levels are only slightly elevated, they’ll deliver the baby early.
Anon
I’m in my 30s with preschool age kids. Most of my friends are in a similar life stage. It feels like everyone’s marriage is falling apart. I only know a few couples that have divorced so far, but I know so many people who are cheating (physically or emotionally) or just bored and dissatisfied and thinking about leaving their spouses. I feel happy, even very happy, in my marriage and think my husband feels the same way, but I’m starting to feel like it’s just a matter of time before one of us wants a divorce. Can anyone who is happily married with young kids reassure me that it’s possible? And if you’re divorced, are there things you could have done differently to save the marriage?
Anonymous
You’re happily married. Keep prioritizing each other and you’ll be fine
Anonymous
Don’t put too much pressure on your marriage. Maintain friendships and family connections. My mom drives me crazy sometimes, it’s normal that DH does to. Life is not a romantic comedy. Regular date nights (weekly if possible). And marriage counseling when things get really rough. Strong commitment from both partners that young kids is a season of life – don’t let a difficult 3-4 years determine the future of your marriage. Acknowledge that it isn’t easy. It’s okay for marriage to be hard sometimes, all relationships are hard sometimes. The same way my relationship with my parents changed when I left for college, it’s normal that a marriage relationship has to reset a bit after kids.
Irish Midori
You might just know the unlucky section of the statistics. I’m in a similar demographic and only know a handful of couples who are divorced among our close circle. If the stats are about 50% (though I understand they are improving), I bet we could average our friends and come out normal. I think one of the contributing factors to the success rate (so far) among my circle is that we live in a low-pressure, low-cost-of-living area, where the competitive drive for both parties in the marriage to be hard-charging about work isn’t extreme. I can see that, plus kids, plus high costs running the financial treadmill too fast, putting serious pressure on a marriage. Side note: As a divorce lawyer, most of the splits I see have the couple not being on the same page regarding financial goals as a recurring theme.
Housecounsel
It’s a very hard stage of marriage, in my experience. We never fought before kids and fought all the time when they were little. I felt like my life had changed so much and his really hadn’t. I resented all the time he spent playing golf and even traveling for work. We made it through, I think because we believe we married for life and cheating is not an option. Life is a million times easier now that the kids are teens/tweens and I love that he plays lots of golf so I can do my own things. I would advise you to accept that things will be hard for a while, do a better job than I did of communicating expectations for child care and self-care time, and know that the hardest times are just a stage. All of this advice is, of course, applicable only if there is no abuse or other fundamental problem.
Anon
How do so many people with young kids manage to cheat? And are they telling you this themselves or is it just the rumor mill? Do you and your husband speak about these failing marriages together and your feelings about it? I remember seeing some divorces at a similar stage and my husband and I noticed and discussed even divorces that started out amicable ended up awful. I’m sure we said explicitly that we would never want to go through that.
Anon for this
I’m 32 with a 3-year-old and very happy with my life and my marriage, and I think my husband is too. We have had downs, for sure, but we put a lot of effort into working through them and are in a really good place. As a result of the downs we communicate often to check in on how the other is doing and also to let the other know of any struggles we are having. I don’t think I would be in the same place if we had a second kid (we are one-and-done) and we have both said that we think having one is why we are so happy with our life. I don’t think either of us would handle the additional stress of a second kid well. That said, I have observed a lot of what you have, more with couples in our neighborhood than our close friends. I see a lot of drug use, drinking to excess on a nightly basis, and affairs (in many cases with other neighbors).
anon
I would not assume that you’re headed for divorce. IME, the marriages that are struggling during this stage are the ones that had problems to begin with, but the issues were easy enough to ignore until kids and life stress compounded the issues that were already there. This especially seems true for things like money and in-law issues. If you’re happy, and your DH is happy, STOP catastrophizing. Keep the lines of communication open and don’t borrow trouble, as my grandma was fond of saying.
Anonymous
All of this! We divorced when my child was in preschool and it was due to issues that I had ignored for many years (including but not limited to finance and in-laws), but were exacerbated once we had a child.
Anon
I think one’s viewpoint on the matter can be heavily skewed based on your social circles. If your friends got married young, had children young, are from/live in a community where divorce is more accepted, or commonly have financial issues (very frequent IME in the upper middle class keep up with the joneses set) then you’ll see a lot more divorce, especially if those factors combine. In the end, it doesn’t matter. You’re happy in your marriage and so long as you don’t let the divorces and marital strife of others get to you (and it sounds like it is so maybe a session or two with a counselor may help) you’ll be fine. I am a big proponent of surround yourself with what you want to be so if all of your friends are getting divorced, a small part of it may be toxic sharing of marital grievances. I’d find happily married friends and/or cut out the talk about one another’s marriages. It’s clearly not doing you any good.
Anonymous
Couples experience the lowest levels of marital satisfaction when their kids are young, like birth – 4 years old. After that it’s all uphill. This was told to us by our marriage counselor when we sought counseling when our son was 4 and I honestly didn’t think we were going to make it.
Little kids are an intense amount of work and when both people in a partnership have careers too, there’s just not that much left to give to the relationship. Our counselor recommended that we 1. make peace with the idea that things were going to suck for awhile, but also 2. carve out time once a month to do something alone together, it didn’t matter what it was, but for a minimum of two hours, get a sitter and go do something without the kids. I think those two things got us through the early-childhood years. Now our kids are older and it is so.much.easier. It’s a ladder – they learn to feed themselves; life gets easier. They learn to use the potty and dress themselves; life gets easier. They learn to entertain themselves, pack their own lunches, do their own homework, etc. etc.; life gets easier. It will get easier. Believe that.
I do think it is incredibly important to spend time with your husband and have real communication, not just the “transactional” communication we fall into by habit (did you do this, we need to do that, etc.). After the kids go to bed, grab a glass of wine and get away from screens and talk. Really listen and have him really listen to you. Every couple we know that has split up said the first step on the road to divorce was a breakdown in real, meaningful communication; they just quit talking about things they didn’t have to talk about. So I’ve tried to make that a priority in my marriage.
lsw
Your final two sentences really stick out to me. I feel confident in my relationship but I do sometimes feel like we just don’t talk about stuff. I think because we have been lucky enough not to have a lot of big issues, we don’t have a lot of practice with just…talking about things.
Flats Only
Especially if you actually let them “learn to entertain themselves, pack their own lunches, do their own homework”. If you hover and hover and do everything for them you’ll never get a break, and it will feel like parenting toddlers until they’re 18.
Anonymous
+100. Kids are capable of doing a lot, and they want to learn. They crave independence; it’s hardwired into their brains. Parents who don’t teach kids basic life skills and then let them practice those skills are doing themselves, and their kids, a huge disservice.
anon
It seems to me like one of the biggest issue in relationships (ANY relationship, not just spouses) is communicating expectations. You don’t know what you don’t know and neither does your husband. So make sure you are communicating and prioritizing each other and you should be fine.
To make you feel better, DH and I are friends with several other families of the same age and life circumstance as you (30s, preschool aged kids, including us). I mean, I can’t see behind closed doors, but it sure doesn’t seem like any of those couples are headed for divorce. And we hang out with them all the time.
Anonymous
It’s a hard life stage, but I don’t think divorce is inevitable at all. Is my marriage exciting and passionate? Not really, anymore. But DH and I are happy with each other and happy with our family, and are teammates supporting each other through all the stressful stuff life with young kids (and life, full stop) throws at us. No one in my regular social circle is divorced, I would be shocked if any of the couples split up any time soon. I’m not aware of cheating, any complaining is more frustrated grumbling than reflective of deep-seated resentment, and the equalish partnership model in my marriage seems pretty typical.
That said, I live in a bubble. My friends and neighbors are, with very few exceptions, dual income households with two stable professional jobs, and in the top 10% of HHI in our metro area.
Anon
None of my close friends are divorced or appear to be close to it, but I sometimes feel like an outlier because my husband and I both feel that the young kid years have made our marriage much stronger (we’ve been married 10 years and have a 3 year old). It’s not that we weren’t happy before, but seeing each other has parents has added a new dimension to our love for each other and a new level of commitment (we both feel like divorce is not an option with kids in the picture, barring very extreme circumstances). We’ve never been happier – with life and with each other – than we have been since our daughter was born. However, we only have one kid (and plan to keep it that way) and my husband is a unicorn among men who is the primary parent (we both work full time and our daughter goes to daycare, but he has a much more flexible schedule and naturally needs less sleep than me, so he does the vast majority of the doctor’s appointments, sick days, night wake-ups, etc.)
Diana Barry
FWIW, my DH and I have 3 kids, early 40s, and we are super happy. :) Our youngest is 7 so past the preschool years – I think having our own identities outside the kids helped us, as well as making time for regular date nights. None of our close couple friends are divorced, either – the few couples we know who have gotten divorced were high earner/SAHM couples who seemed to not communicate well and get out of touch with each other over the years.
anon
You’re on the right track just by asking this question. I’m in the same stage of life as you (30s, preschoolers at home) and recently learned my spouse had an affair with a co-worker. I knew we were going through a rough patch but had convinced myself it was just the season of life. I agree with the poster who said the first step is a breakdown in communication. I can see that I played a role in our not communicating, even though my partner is responsible for the decision to cheat. Keep talking to each other, and you’ll be fine.
anon
I just found out that my ex-boyfriend has not told his family that we broke up (it’s been 6 months). I just got an email invitation from his sister asking me and the ex-boyfriend to join a family event, and it’s clear she doesn’t know that we broke up. How would you respond? If it makes any difference, she and I were not close.
Anonymous
“Hey Sophie lovely to hear from you! Not sure if John mentioned this but since we broke up 6 months ago I wouldn’t be comfortable attending. Hope you’re doing well!”
lsw
^^ Same.
Anon
I wouldn’t say “6 months ago” because it just seems to embarrass him needlessly – the same message with those three words deleted gets the important point across politely.
Anonymous
Oh yeah def. I’d actually really like to embarrass the jerk who dumped me while my mom was dying. But if you have less rage omit that!
anon
Agreed.
Anon
I think you’re reading too much into those three words and that they’re just neutrally explaining information.
Anon
I don’t think his family is owed that information though. What his family needs to know (in response to a social invitation) is that they’re broken up now and so OP won’t be attending the event, but she wishes them well (if true). The script conveys that perfectly without including the timing info.
Skipper
I’d suggest something along the lines of “thanks so much for the invitation, but I’m unable to attend as Michelangelo and I are no longer seeing each other. I hope your Yak Christening is wonderful.” Then stop responding unless there’s something that seems to merit it. My thinking here is 1) you don’t owe your ex any kind of long term secrecy about your life, 2) it’s weird that you’re getting this message in the first place. Are you their social secretary? I think not, and 3) not RSVPing is rude as hell.
Lavinia
I mean, if it was a yak christening, I’d still go.
Vicky Austin
Same, ha!
Anonymous
Ignore. No good can come of a response from you. I wouldn’t want to break the news to ex’s family that we’ve broken up. But any other response – like sorry I can’t make it – sounds a little disingenuous. If you have a good relationship with your ex, maybe forward the email to him, but I wouldn’t want to open that can of worms, personally.
This assumes that there’s no reason you would be invited despite the break up, i.e., there are children involved and his family is trying to maintain a good relationship with you.
Anon
I would tend to defer to your ex on when and how he told his family, although I do think it’s really weird he hasn’t told them in 6 months. Assuming these are people I’m not going to see again (so, for example, we don’t live in the same small town) and that the break-up wasn’t unusually hard, I would just forward to ex and let him deal with it. I don’t have an ongoing relationship with these people so don’t care what they think of me. And, absent other circumstances not mentioned here, I wouldn’t want to make things any harder for ex.
Anonymous
Not saying its the best approach, but I’d just forward it to ex and say/do nothing else. If I felt a strong obligation to the sister, I suppose I’d say, “Sorry, John hasn’t told you but we broke up” and I”d definitely not say how long – no reason to be rude.
Anon
Anyone have advice re: staying with in-laws when FIL has Alzheimer’s? In-laws live a few hours away. DH goes and sees them at least once a month. I come less frequently. FIL is starting to move into that really rough stage where he is paranoid/probably aggressive/very confused but does not need to be in a 24-hour care setting yet. He has had a few verbally aggressive outbursts around me and DH. I have gotten the impression that he does this on a regular basis with MIL. This seems to happen when he is sundowning. Based on what I’ve seen, I really don’t feel comfortable staying in my in-laws’ house for a while. I have never really had a strong relationship with FIL, so I also think it’s only a matter of time before he doesn’t know who I am. We also normally bring our dog down with us to stay with our in-laws. FIL didn’t know who the dog was the last time we were down there. I don’t know what I think is going to happen if we keep staying with them, but I just think this is creating some situation ripe for something horrible to happen. Every time I mention one of these concerns to DH, he thinks I’m over-hyping his dad’s behavior (“It was just that one time!”) whereas I feel like he doesn’t quite understand the nature of his dad’s disease. (I work in healthcare and have more experience with this.) Has anyone dealt with a similar situation and can give some advice on how I can either talk to DH about this or deal with staying with in-laws in this situation?
Anon
Don’t go if you’re uncomfortable. Let DH do what he wants, he’s a grown man.
Anonymous
+1. Set boundaries on your involvement that will keep you comfortable and feeling safe. In my experience the spouse and children tend to deny the severity of the condition and to put up with way more than they ought to until a huge crisis occurs.
Anon
OP: I have no issue with DH going. I just don’t want to go with him and have been having hard time getting that point across without it sounding like I’m being insensitive.
Anonymous
Board your dogs, try staying with your in-laws, discuss again that you’re concerned your FIL is going to hurt your MIL and it’s time to start figuring out how he will get round the clock care.
Anonymous
Right, this is the time to lean in. Discuss safety measures with your husband for your MIL and talk to her about a plan if she gets scared (call neighbor, police, locked room, etc). Remove any weapons from the house. Figure out where he is in his medical care. This has less to do with your relationship with your FIL and more to do with supporting your husband in a really trying time. I went through this with my inlaws and I know how hard this is for everyone.
Since you are in healthcare, can you do some research or find some resources for them? Can you help them with scripts and questions for the medical team?
Anonymous
My MIL has dementia, and all of her children have been highly resistant to any perceived interference by their spouses. We spouses have to tread very, very carefully and avoid making it look like we are pushing them to do anything. We have found it most productive to ask questions that get them thinking rather than to tell them what we think they should do. We have on occasion insisted that they get together to address particular issues (just yesterday we forced them to sit down in my living room and plan their next joint visit to deal with issues X and Y), but we can’t give any substantive input without getting pushback.
Anonymous
FWIW, if he’s expressing aggressive verbal or physical outbursts at your MIL, it probably IS time for 24-hour care. 24-hour care isn’t just for getting his physical needs met; it can be for getting your MIL’s needs met. It is extremely lonely and helpless to be the spouse caring for a loved one who is dying bit by bit and abusive. It’s a big reason why caregiving spouses often die sooner than the ill spouse.
anon
Seconding this response, and those at 11:07 and 11:29.
Anonymous
I can’t tell what your concern is — is it that FIL will yell /be verbally aggressive at you while you’re there and you won’t know how to deal with it? Are you concerned that he will be physically aggressive?
It’s possible that your husband is merely hearing, “I don’t want to be around your dad,” and hasn’t been able to hear concretely, “Here is what I think is going to go wrong if I’m there”?
(I’d board the dog; no reason to introduce that factor into this situation.)
Anon
OP: I have expressed my concern for MIL’s safety to DH. MIL is in excellent shape. FIL not so much. DH feels like MIL could overpower him easily if this becomes an issue. I’m less convinced of this.
My concern, for myself, more is that he doesn’t know who I am, thinks I’m an intruder, etc. I’m not really sure what would happen, but I don’t want to find out. Concern for dog would be any number of things like leaving the door open and dog gets hit by car, etc.
MIL has been trying to keep all of this private, so it all kind of came out on this trip we went on with them how bad he was. Yes, he was worse on the trip than normal but MIL confirmed that none of what happened was really new to her. She just hadn’t told her kids about it.
Belle Boyd
You are right to be concerned. And your MIL may very well NOT be able to overpower your FIL. You’d be amazed at the strength a person can have if they are in the midst of an episode of paranoia and are highly agitated. I fortunately did not have to deal with it personally, but witnessed it while my mother was in the hospital. An Alzheimer’s patient in the next room injured two nurses when he decided that they were trying to kidnap him. It was a very scary incident, and if two trained professionals were injured, imagine the harm your FIL could do to your MIL (who I am assuming is NOT trained in caring for an Alzheimer’s patient.)
And I absolutely agree that your FIL is probably at the point NOW where he needs more care than what your MIL is able to provide. I know it’s a difficult subject to approach, but it’s something for everyone’s well-being — his, your MIL’s, and any other family members involved. I’ve done the caregiver route — did it for a good 10 years. It’s rough, I can only imagine it’s rougher for anyone caring for an Alzheimer’s patient knowing that things will only get worse, not better.
KS IT Chick
This sounds very much like my grandfather. My grandmother was absolutely resistant to any help or even an actual diagnosis until he left the house and attacked the neighbor across the street. Had the neighbor not had a baseball bat that she used to hit him a couple times to push him back down the porch stairs so that she could close & lock the door, he probably would have beaten her to the point of unconsciousness or death, without any idea of what he was doing. She called the police, and GF spent the night in jail. GM was at his arraignment the next morning and tried to downplay the episode to the judge. She was told that GF was staying in jail until all weapons (not just firearms) were removed from the house and GF was on a treatment plan for his aggression. He was released to the custody of the local hospital, where he stayed for several days so that they could find a treatment regimen that would begin to deal with both the Alzheimer’s and an underlying personality disorder.
My dad & his sister essentially barnstormed the house, finding anything that could be picked up & used as a weapon. No more kitchen knives; all food came in pre-packaged & pre-cut. The table lamps were replaced with small halogen lamps with minimal weight. The guns were right out; they ended up in my mom’s laundry room. Even after 2 days of constant work, they kept finding all sorts of bizarre hoarding of personal armaments; the count of switchblades and bowie-style knives was well into the double digits.
My aunt spent the next year living with them, as the stress from all of it pushed GM into a stroke we’d been expecting for years. P. was between jobs, and GM was willing to pay her to help. After she found a job and got out, they hired a homemaker who had a small amount of medical training to help them on the weekdays. After a couple years of that culminating in a hospital stay that included physical & chemical restraints, the first weekend that GM had to spend with GP completely alone made her rethink the plan, and he went to the nursing home on Sunday afternoon. He lived another 18 months there, and he was a constant problem for the staff, due to his level of aggression and physical strength.
Your husband needs to come to understand that there is no getting better, and that there is no way to stop the decline. Until the part of FIL’s mind that controls things like hunger starts to decay, he’ll be as physically strong as he was before the disease, without any of the controls that a man with a fully functioning brain would have.
There will be a point where he injures someone, probably MIL, but possibly one of the adult children or a neighbor or a stranger. MIL won’t be able to hide it if it is someone outside the immediate circle. If she’s injured badly enough to need medical treatment, she won’t be able to hide it, and FIL will probably be charged with battery under domestic violence statutes. The help he gets at that point will be from the criminal justice system, not from nursing care.
Feel free to show this to your husband. Maybe it will matter to him, maybe it won’t. But he needs to know that others have walked this road and it only goes one direction.
Cuyana Hobo Woes
I have the Cuyana Large Hobo. I have never been in love with a bag so hard in my life. I’ve had it for 2+ years and there is a LOT of life left in it.
I have one GIANT problem. The latching system on the strap does.not.hold. It has holes as a standard belt buckle strap would, but the fasten is just a peg. With time, the hole has stretched and the peg slips out, with the strap unbuckling and the bag dropping to the floor. Has anyone else experienced this? What is the work around? I do move it to the next, non-stretched hole, but I’m on the third and now the bag strap is a lot longer than I want it to be as my preferred-length hole just won’t hold. Does such a place exist that could throw in a stylish(?) grommet of some kind for me?
tesyaa
Try a shoe repair place to put in a permanent fastener.
Flats Only
Try a shoe repair place. Many of them repair bags and luggage and may be able to add a grommet.
Edge
I had the same issue with the small backpack which I otherwise adored. I contacted customer service and they agreed to take it back for the original price, even though I had used it for a year. I would love to reorder the same bag but am waiting for them to improve that peg system so I don’t have a repeat of the same problem
They had also mentioned a partial credit to get it seemed shut at a local cobbler but the interior also had a rip, so was easier to give the whole thing back
My medium shoulder bag without pegs is still going strong
Anon
Just want to second this – it’s so disappointing! I have the large hobo and small hobo, and the small hobo will literally fall off when I’m wearing it due to the peg slipping through.
If you bought from Cuyana, they may have a replacement strap they can send you to give it a bit more life (I’ve found their CS to be really helpful). But reading here, I may take my small hobo to a shoe repair also.
Anon for this
Anyone have experience with moving cities and struggling to establish yourself there? I’m late 20s and moved from an East Coast city to a midsize Midwest city in January. My fiance is from this area and we plan to be here basically forever. My job is fine, but I’m really struggling to find a group of friends like I had in my last city. I’ve tried everything I can think of to make connections – transferred to the city’s Junior League, involved in a sorority alum club, joined a boutique fitness club with a great community vibe… nothing seems to be panning out and it’s honestly heartbreaking. Maybe it’s the stage of life we’re in and the fact that most people who live here are from here, have tight families, and are immersed in wedding/kids planning? I’m starting to resign myself to being largely alone and with my fiance and his (wonderful, but slightly crazy) family until we eventually move to the suburbs and have kids and neighbor friends. Any advice or commiseration?
Anonymous
Just keep at it! Honestly it took me two years. Keep doing what you’re doing, actively look for ways to invite people in (like start by just saying hi to that girl at yoga, then ask if she’d be interested in checking out a class at a community event) etc. Its really hard and a ton of work and you aren’t doing it wrong it just takes time.
Anon
It’s just hard to make friends as an adult, and it taking longer than 6 months doesn’t surprise me. I would keep doing the things you are doing, but also start looking at activities that are more designed for people wanting to make new friends. That way, you are meeting people who are actually looking for new friends, instead of people who are just going about their lives. Are there any meetup groups in the area that appear to you? I’ve found that to be the best option.
Gun owner
Honestly, it’s been less than a year and as a veteran of several moves like this, it usually took 18 months for me to find friends. But it happened every time and I met lovely people and became truly close with them. This stage is hard, but you’ll get there!
Anon
You are attending these things but what are you doing to actually make friends? Sitting and listening at a junior league meeting won’t make you friends. dancing at a work out class and then heading out won’t make you friends, going to a sorority meeting won’t make you friends. You have to actively engage people – see them regularly and have repeated contact. And you also have to invite them to do things that are not that activity, even if it’s just for a coffee or drink directly after the common interest.
Also, making a friend takes time, lots of time. I’m not surprised at all that you haven’t made a friend in 6 mths because it take a long time to make good friends. It requires frequent and regular contact and growing levels of knowledge about the person’s life and vice versa. And I wouldn’t put too much pressure on the friendships. Adult friendships made over common interests tend to remain nice but a little shallow, and that’s perfectly fine if you just want girlfriends to hang out with over the weekend.
Senior Attorney
Second the suggestion to keep at it. When I was trying to make friends after I left my former husband and changed work locations, I tried a whole bunch of things until I found my tribe (at the local Rotary Club, FWIW) and it took way longer than six months. Doing actual projects with people really helps so if you are into volunteering at all that would be my suggestion — although even then it has to be the right setting. I couldn’t get arrested at the Universalist Unitarian Church (seriously nobody would even talk to me even though I volunteered for a bunch of things) but OMG the Rotarians LOVED me even though I was exactly the same person at both places.
Anon
It’s really hard. I moved cities for grad school and made zero lasting friendships (I’ve made a few shallow friendships but we haven’t even seen each other since graduation and neither of us cares). I’m an introvert and my husband is too and honestly, neither one of us has made ANY friends here. We usually feel like we’re “enough” together and we enjoy our friends from other cities when we see them, but I’d love to make 2-3 good friends all the same. You’re doing the right things by getting out there and being social.
Anon
Are you me? I did an almost identical move last year, and it’s *hard* to find friends. I’m doing the same stuff you are – alumni groups, running clubs, getting involved in church, and nothing clicks. It’s really rough.
Anon
In my experience, it just took time. Like, a 18 months to 2 years-ish.
Anonymous
Which city? Maybe some of us could get together…
Anonymous
This is a different poster, not OP – sorry, that was confusing. OP, I’m in Des Moines and frequently travel around Iowa/the Midwest, and know people. If you’re willing, post your city and burner email in another thread and maybe we can hook you up!
Jules
And post your city here! There might be ‘rettes who want to meet you!
Anonymous
I’m in Des Moines :)
Anon
If you have any political inclinations, can you get involved in the local political groups? Go to campaign rallies? See if anyone wants to grab a drink after.
Transplant
Have you been to the Greater Des Moines Partnership’s “Welcome”
event? I think it is held quarterly. This is a good way to meet others who are new in town (and not just people returning home). There are lots of transplants looking to make friends, but it can seem like everyone already has an established friend group.
I moved to Iowa nearly 8 years ago, and it felt like it took me a year to really make a solid friend. But then before two years were up, I had a Saturday brunch crew, evening workout buddies, etc. Be patient and continue doing activities you find enjoyable!
anon
When I moved in my 20s it took a number of years to make friends in that city (mostly husband’s circle) just because I worked in another city during the week. Moving to another city with kids has helped open up the parent circles but I hear you, it is hard.
I’ve found surprisingly decent connections at industry networking type events for women, apart from the other types of activities you’ve already tried. Sending hugs from SF Bay Area!
Anonymous
Will just add that I’m *from* the Midwest and had some difficulty making friends. Gently, when I was in college, things like Junior League and sororities were things that were more associated with students from the coast than the “locals”. I did find my tribe as a student with my roommates and the professional club I joined. After college, I’ve made friends by inviting neighbors to dinner, having lunch with coworkers, and introducing myself to other parents at daycare. Best of luck to you!
Irish Midori
Echoing all the others–it’ll take longer than 6 months. But it WILL happen, especially with all the efforts you are making. They say moving to a new city can be as traumatic a life event as a death, so go easy on yourself. I know with my last move came some unexpected depression. Let yourself grieve for your old life some, and keep at it.
Anonymous
Bumble BFF (the friends section of the app) and/or Hey Vina. Seriously.
It takes a fair amount of effort to message and meet up with lots of potential friends and you won’t click with everyone beyond a meeting or two, but eventually you’ll find others you get along with. Bonus that they are all actively looking for new friends too (LOTS of transplants) and if you click with one they may have also met others you’d get along with.
I prefer Bumble BFF because you can see exact age whereas Hey Vina categorizes broader (“late 20s” “early 30s” etc) and Bumble seems to have a broader user base, but YMMV
Anonymous
How often do you ladies go to a dr for a physical and labs – whether a PCP, OB or both – how often is a dr seeing you (and your labs) for preventative care?
I know what the recs are but just trying to get a unscientific survey whether people go pretty much annually or whether there are those like me going every 2-3 years?
I was one of those people who literally never went to a dr from after I left my parents home at 18 until my first grown up physical at 31. After that – went back 18 mos later at 33. Then forgot about it all, stupidly ignored some symptoms for a few years that could have been easily fixed w vitamins and went back for the next physical at 36 (and was prescribed said vitamins). And now I’ve blinked and am 39. Just locked in an appt for this fall bc I know if I let it slip, I’ll suddenly be 42.
Part of me feels so irresponsible and yet part of me is like — 4 physicals in a decade isn’t exactly terrible either esp considering that I know people (mostly guys but 1-2 women too) who literally don’t do this sort of thing, ever. Though maybe I just know weird people (and yes they are insured, can afford copays etc)? No dr has said or even implied that I go too many years between things.
780
I generally go once a year, unless I have to find a new doctor in which case I put it off forever. What helps me is the doctor’s who let you schedule your next yearly exam when you check out. Even if there is a 50% chance I have to reschedule, it puts it in to my calendar and forces me to think about it at that time next year either to attend or reschedule.
anon
This is what I do as well. I often do need to reschedule, but not always, and the rescheduled appointment is still there rather than being completely forgotten.
Anon
You should get a physical every year and a pap every 1-3 yrs depending on your OB history. I do this, primarily because I know that there are chronic conditions in my family history that are much helped if caught early, especially for things that you can’t see like cholesterol, blood pressure, and various lady parts issues.
I don’t think it’s the worse thing in the world to not regularly get a physical, especially if you are otherwise in very good health and keep yourself up with healthy eating, healthy weight, exercise and not doing any vices to excess (smoking drinking etc).
Anon
When I last went for a physical (mid-30s), the doctor honestly asked me, “Now why are you really here? What can I do for you?” (And yes, I wanted to get on an anti-depressant.) I don’t think 30-somethings are getting regular annual physicals. (And seeing as how I am blessedly in good health, I don’t see a need.)
Anon
I see an obgyn for an annual women’s health exam (pelvic exam and breast exam annually, pap smear used to be ever 3 years, now every 5 years because I’m 30+ and had a negative HPV test). I see a dermatologist every 3 years for a skin check (this the frequency they recommend, even though I’m fair and freckle-y) and I was recently diagnosed with a thyroid disease and now see a endocrinologist twice a year (my OB referred me to the endo after running a basic thyroid lab panel). I don’t have a primary care physician and haven’t since I left home at 18. I haven’t needed one. I get sick a pretty typical amount I think, but usually just colds and stomach bugs that don’t require treatment from a doctor. My OB has called in antibiotics for me a couple of times (for a UTI and a skin infection).
anon
I’m on the high end of frequency, but I think it is very valuable to make regular check-ups a habit. It allows your doctors to track trends and stop problems sooner, with the correct intervention (e.g., the vitamins).
I have annual physicals with my PCP (standard bloodwork plus anything that’s been problematic in the past–iron, liver enzyme levels, vitamin D), an annual well-woman with my GYN (including a full STD scan–blood and vaginal samples, but not fully annual paps because they are no longer recommended), and bi-annual cleanings with my dentist. I also (generally, but not perfectly) get annual mole checks by a dermatologist. And, because I have a history of cancer, I see my oncologist annually.
Among other more important benefits, being an established patient who has had an annual appointment within a year makes it much easier to get appointments for small problems (a cold or flu, random symptoms I can’t identify or want checked, whatever).
Anon
My province recommends paps every 3 years so that’s pretty much the only time I go to the doctor unless I’m sick and need antibiotics.
Anon
It’s also important to get seen based on your specific medical needs. Since I go to the doctor regularly for chronic health issues, at my yearly physical the doctor takes an overall look at my health and not just from an ailment by ailment perspectives and does general bloodwork and lymph checks, etc. that aren’t done at a sick visit.
In addition I get paps every year because I’ve had a positive test that required surgical removal and am part of a demographic that can get very aggressive and fast growing cervical cancer.
Anonymous
Cardiologist either 1 or 2x/yr (depending on when they tell me I need to come back). Physical every 2-3 years. TBH I let the PCP slide a bit more than I should because I am closely followed by a cardiologist and while they obviously do not focus on general health, they will do labs every year or 2, which include some cardiology work ups and some general work ups that are in regular labs. I feel comfortable if I have SOME labs every 18 months-2 years because I feel like that’s a lot of what is used for preventative care anyway rather than exams.
Anonymous
39 over here. For wellness checks . . . I do a physical every year. I don’t pay for it, so why not. I do get a full panel of bloodwork because of dietary choices. I pay for that, but still, it’s only once a year. I was very low in B12 once so I like to stay on top of it. I go to the GYN once a year or every three years if they tell me I don’t need to come yearly. I also go to the dentist every six months. Again, I get those appointments for free with my insurance, so why the heck not?
Daisy
Actually came here to say: you DO pay for it, which is even more reason to get it every year! Take full advantage of your health insurance benefits.
Anon
Am I supposed to be getting a physical annually? Now that I have health insurance, I definitely go more than once a year anyway for those relatively minor things that I would have just ignored when I didn’t have insurance, so I’m not worried about it. But I don’t think you need to go to the doctor just to go to the doctor.
AFT
39 – try to do a check up with labs/physical with my GP every 1-1.5 years (the 0.5 from when I forget to schedule), GYN every year (pap every ~3 years but my doctors still have me come in to do an exam annually), and trying to do a dermatology skin check every year too.
Anonymous
Every year, but we get a huge insurance incentive for having certain metabolic risks measured. I wasn’t as good about it before that and having children (which happened a few years apart). Now it is much more important to me.
Anonymous
I go to my internist for a physical every 1-2 years. I do this mostly so I can stay enrolled as a patient and get in if I need to for a (non-acute) injury or illness or if I want to refill my rescue inhaler. I’m done having kids, so I don’t go to the OB-Gyn anymore – I get paps every 2 years at my regular check up. I’m fortunate to be fairly robust, despite having mild asthma, so I haven’t actually needed to go to the doctor for a non-scheduled appointment in a decade. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over in the corner touching wood/tossing salt over my shoulder/etc.
UHU
I temporarily (for about a month) have to be on my feet most of the day. What’s the most comfortable shoe you can suggest–athletic options are acceptable. Thanks!
Anon
Saucony Omni if you need arch support.
NOLA
I’m wearing the Clarks Sharon Crystal Wedge Derby today and, I have to say, they are among the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn.
NOLA
https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2734113?cm_mmc=feeds-_-adlucent-_-google-_-pla&utm_source=adlucent&utm_medium=feeds&utm_content=google&utm_campaign=pla&utm_channel=shopping_acq_p&sid=545650&aid=%5BADL%5D%20%5BPLA%5D%20%5BShopping%5D%20-%20Categories%20-%20Brand%20-%20%5BDesktop%5D&gclid=Cj0KCQjwp5_qBRDBARIsANxdcinJw2aVz1IDOD6IeFtg_OlecASZif-N4ZaUgASxY2KUXcMVAg_yzDAaAliQEALw_wcB&color=PEWTER
Anonymous
Skechers Go Step Lite. I have three pairs. I teach day-long classes and every couple of months I end up with a week where I have to teach all day on three consecutive days. These shoes save my feet (and my knees). Available on Amazon and they don’t look particularly “athletic.” (That being said – they don’t look particularly stylish/fashion-y either!).
anon
The most comfortable shoes I own are my new balance classic 574. I would absolutely wear those all day.
Anon.
Dansko clogs.
Ellen
Nike Air! If you need extra cushioning, get a silicone insole! I sware by them and walk 10000 steps a day to keep my tuchus in check, so if you have to do this also, join the club! YAY!!!
Anonymous
Every time a horrific event and news cycle that follows, I find myself slipping into a depressive episode. Recent ones that come to mind are the Brett Kananaugh confirmation, the various states implementing their various versions of fetal heartbeat laws. I can feel it starting to set in now. Any advice on how to head it off? I have a really hard time tuning out the news.
Anonymous
1- therapy
2- delete your social media, turn off your tv, and stop reading the news
anon
Seconded. When I find it overwhelming on a personal emotional level, I tune out. In some ways, I know that is the wrong response. But if that’s what I need to do to continue to be a productive member of society, that’s what I’m going to do. When I have the emotional bandwidth, I take more meaningful steps to help.
Anon
I stopped watching the news for this reason. Sorry, not too helpful I know …
Anon
The only news I read is local. I also stopped going on twitter and Facebook. It makes me feel so much better.
Monday
Carolyn Hax recently advised doing something on a small scale, since that is how our minds are designed. I’m not describing it well, but her point is that we are totally overwhelmed because the scale of problems we learn about is far beyond anything we’d ever be able to solve.
I think volunteering makes sense as an implementation for this idea. That said, my stress level with the news went way down when I went into nonprofit service work (which I am still doing now). My job is hard and low-paying, but I feel like I am doing something, on a human scale, on one particular issue. So to sum up: consider volunteering, or consider actually changing to a service-oriented job if you don’t already have one.
Skipper
I’ve struggled with this too. My personal best practices include limiting news consumption, volunteering meaningfully, getting more “fun” in my day, and stepping up my workouts.
In my case, this means listening to NPR’s headline rundown on Alexa in the morning, reading or listening to a “fun” book on my morning commute, walking on my lunch break while listening to my favorite bands, reading the NYT for 45 minutes on my evening commute. I stop off at the gym on my way home, where I do HIIT. I spend a couple of weekend days a month volunteering with a local organization that serves primary low income women, many of whom are immigrants. I also give a decent amount of money to political candidates and charities. Although this has, like, an 85% success rate.
Irish Midori
I have to sign off facebook after every mass shooting, and usually have to switch to a fluffy radio station or audiobook in the car from my usual NPR.
Aaaand I just realized how sad it is that I now have a “after every mass shooting” protocol. Like that’s normal. *crawls in hole*
Anon
Is Alias Grace scary? It feels silly to ask, but I really want to check it out because story seems interesting but I can’t do ghosts, zombies, amd too much blood or cruelty so a bit scared to watch it alone.
Webby
Not scary but it is terrible.
Equestrian attorney
Not really. I mean there is a murder involved but it’s not very graphic. There is a bit of a tense atmosphere building up to it and the character’s suggested insanity/mental illness can be mildly uncomfortable at times. But it’s pretty good, and I say this as someone who won’t watch anything involving horror/zombies.
Panda Bear
I love horror so I am probably not the right person to be answering this, but I loved the book (and the tv series), so I think it’s worth giving it a shot. But it does have a moderate amount of both blood and cruelty. Maybe one ghost, depending on how you interpret the events. Maybe try watching during a sunny afternoon rather than a dark and stormy night!
Fall Coats
I’m in the market for a new fall coat for work. It needs to be long enough to wear with dresses. I have a black trench with a hood that I like but it’s looking a little shabby and I’d like to get something new. Any recommendations? Would like to be under $300.
Lilyput
I was recently watching an episode of Queer Eye. There was an episode where a 18 year old musician has no friends. When one of the hosts asks him for his interest, he draws a blank and says he likes laser shooting … Which reminded me of something from my recent past where I asked someone I had just met at a meet up group event, what she liked to do. And when I was asked the same person, I drew a blank. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Finally I said something like decorating (my house, but I really have no particular talent for it), gardening (again no green thumb) and estate sales (I like to go for decorating purposes). If I think about what I do, it’s pretty much work, home, kid and watching TV! I wonder how do I discover myself better, develop particular interests & hobbies. I am thinking my lack of interests/hobbies may be one of things that is preventing me from making new friends (I moved to West Coast city from NYC 7 years ago, and I can honestly say I have made 0 friends on my own; all new people I know are through my husband work.) Any advice for me?
Anonymous
You don’t have to be an expert in something for it be one of your interests. Do you ever see something on your friends’ social media or on a tv show and think, “that’s so cool!”? Go try that out for yourself. You literally just have to go and try doing things.
anon
Try posting again in the afternoon thread.
Dani
This skirt is super affordable, even though it’s outside of my budget. I would definitely try the H&M version! Love it
http://www.iamdanismith.com
anon
After significant consideration, I have cut off contact with a male colleague that became toxic to me. Person became very negative about all aspects of work, leadership decisions, critical of colleagues that are doing well, and prone to lots of negative chatter/gossip. That went on for 6 months and there were some other troubling behaviors….then the last straw was comments about women getting ahead in the workplace because they are “gender hires or meeting the gender quotas”….he was sort of alluding to me and said “don’t get mad”. This is strange because at one time this was a male colleague that I would have trusted and never thought capable of this type of commentary or negativity. I think a downturn in his career contributed to this….appreciate any thoughts or feedback.
Anonymous
Good for you on breaking this relationship. It’s tough breaking up with friends. I wonder if the comments he made are something you should report to your boss or HR.
So anon
Soo… I’ve been dipping my toe back into the dating world and am finding that I am drawn more to men who are, shall we say, the take-charge bordering on non-vanilla type with respect to gardening. This is pretty intriguing to me, but I’ve never really explored this in depth before. It makes sense in a certain regard; I’m an executive leading a global team at work and have a lot of decisions to make, so being able to hand off the decisions to someone else that I trust in my private life is really freeing.
Any recommendations with regards to resources, webs!tes, etc to learn more about this? Or what I could be doing to filter for men who are more my type? Would not want to make this a full on lifestyle, mainly keeping it to gardening. Mid-30s cis hetero woman, not currently seeing anyone. In a major metro area.
Ellen
Your life may be boring, but do you really want someone to control you with BDSM? I hope not, as you could find yourself tied up in his cellar with him up close and personal when and where you really DONT want it. I think you need to get a grip on things, and not fall under the control of some schmoe with a dirty beard who just wants to tie you up and take liberties with your tuchus and boobies. That would not be fun. My roommate in college met a guy like this and it was a good thing that the RA in the dorm chased him out when she found him pleasuring himself in the basement lounge while waiting for her to come back from classes. FOOEY!