Corporette.com

Updated: Jan 12, 2023 243 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: V-Neck Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

v-neck sheath dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I looove this dress, but the sizing confuses me. Right now, it is available in sizes 10-18; a very similar dress also by Kasper comes in 8-16. But… did the smaller sizes sell out? Is the sizing scale really odd?

I haven't been below a size 8 in recent years, but I feel like when I was, I had items from Kasper — so is this a new change? So many questions.

But the base opinion remains: what a great v-neck sheath dress. The neckline is perfect, not too high or too low, and the hemline is appropriate for work.

It’s $79 full price, but marked to $69 (and try code FRIEND to get another 25% off). 

Kasper V-Neck Sheath Dress

Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Ellen

    Kat, you are right! The sizeing of this sheathe dress is all mixed up! There is no way the model in this dress is a size 10 (or above!) FOOEY b/c if she was, we would all be in troubel! She does look like she has a long body tho, and sometimes the designer’s size differently for women who are stringey like the model, but NOT size 10! DOUBEL FOOEY!

    Personaly the manageing partner loves me in Royal Blue, and a simple sheathe dress is the way to go during holiday season–covered up top so that men cannot peer in to see our boobie’s and smooth at the hips so as not to allow for rideing up to much when we sit down to eat dinner. I have 2 parties to go to (work related) in the next week, so I am borrowing some clotheing from ROSA, rather then buy stuff. My cleint’s insist I go to their holiday parties so I do. I like Roberta, so will go to hers and she promised she would NOT try to set me up again– the last time was a disaster! DOUBEL FOOEY! I have another supermarkit cleint that want’s me to go and he said I should wear red for their Santa theme. The manageing partner told me to wear red to keep the cleint happy, but the cleint can (and does) get drunk alot, so I have to watch out that he does not get fresh after a couple of egg nog’s! TRIPEL FOOEY!

    B/F I forget, I want to wish the entire practicing portion of the HIVE a VERY Happy Hanukkah! I ate 5 latka’s yesterday, and my dress is feeleing VERY TIGHT TODAY!

  2. bonus gripe

    I realize this is not a legitimate gripe, so I came here just to vent. I gave notice 2 weeks ago at my firm. Firm bonuses came out yesterday, and I didn’t get one. I know its because I’m leaving, but I still feel like I earned that bonus by working my a$$ off all year. Ugh. /rant

    • Anonymous

      This is why I’m not even mentioning I am considering leaving (tentative offer) until our bonuses post next week.

    • bonus

      That totally s@cks!

      I wish you a GREAT new year at the new job. Move forward! Leave them in the dust….

    • Anon Lawyer

      At my firm, if you give notice before bonuses are paid (two months after they are announced) you forfeit it.

      I can see why they do that from the firm’s point of view, but the bonus is backwards, not forwards looking so it really irritates me.

      Every year on the day bonuses are paid there is a bunch of people suddenly handing in their notice who have been biding their time until they have the cash.

    • jumpingjack

      Assuming you’re leaving on good terms, it couldn’t hurt to gently ask about it. I had something similar happen when I left my firm earlier this year. When I mentioned (to actual decision makers) that it puzzled me, they immediately said it was an oversight and quickly fixed the issue.

    • Anon

      Wait, you gave notice for when? At my firm as long as you’re employed and in good standing on the day bonuses are *paid* you’re supposed to get it, but you definitely wouldn’t if you’re only employed on the day they’re *announced*?

    • Anonymous

      I am sorry, I don’t think so. It’s not anywhere close to business anything.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Taking another look at it, you’re right! I must have been sleep deprived thinking about it last night! Thanks.

    • Anon

      I think you could maaaaybe de-holiday it with some opaque black tights but I think the lace might stick to the tights when you move which would be Not The Business.

    • ace

      no no no no no. too club wear, to much like l!nger!e, too tight, etc. Not ok in any non-night club business setting.

    • Spirograph

      I actually saw a woman wearing a skirt similar to this as I walked to my office this morning, except the skirt underneath the black lace overlay was light-colored. I definitely did a double take and thought “where is she going wearing that at 8:30 in the morning?!”

    • lucy stone

      Sorry, no – but this totally looks like something Princess Eleanor on the Royals would wear.

  4. Raise from yesterdat

    Met with my boss and CEO. I had barely started on my request when they stopped me to explain they were already planning merit raises for next year and I was a top performer in the company so would be at the top of the stack! Also supposedly supposed to be on the top of the merit bonus pool. They did not mention numbers so we’ll see – trying not to be too trusting because I know talk is cheap, etc. they also said they appreciated me asking and that I definitely deserved it.

    • Anon

      That sounds promising. But, talk is cheap. I’ve been burned a couple times with promises that are never kept. So be prepared to go back for another conversation if the number you receive is lower than what is expected.

        • OP

          The reason I asked is because I actually have another contingent offer in process, but I have been a rock star at my current position and would like to stay… It may come down to me asking what the actual percentage will be before I pull the trigger. Sigh.

          • Anonymous

            When you get the offer, tell them and ask what they can do. They should give you a raise then and there to at least match it. If they give you some nonsense at that point about waiting for merit increases, then you leave.

          • Coach Laura

            Be careful if you use the new outside job offer to negotiate a higher raise at the current job. That type of negotiation has ramifications that go beyond salary. Check Ask a Manager blog for tips/strategies.

          • OP

            I am a devoute Allison fan! I just really don’t know how to navigate this – I would be happy to stay at my current job with a raise (talking about 15%, less than my new offer but enough to get me to stay). If they don’t want to come up in to that range, I understand, but then I really would have to take the pay and benefits at the offered job.

            Thoughts/sage advice?

          • GingerAle

            Ditto what Coach Laura said — what you gain in salary may not be worth what you lose in goodwill if you counter with an external offer in your current position.

    • Brant

      Yes, follow up is key. At my office, merit raises happen once a year. Unless you take a completely different role (ie move from marketing to sales), you don’t get your promotion until our cycle. So I’ve been doing work at the next level up from me for 2 months, but won’t be officially promoted until the Feb promo cycle. I plan to negotiate some back-pay but have limited hopes of this panning out.

      With my team, if you are a top performer, a merit raise is generally 5-8%. If you were looking for a raise more in line with a promotion, you may need to negotiate a promotion along with a raise (eg. “this is great, but given the work I am doing I am performing and $XXX level or Y title (which is $XXX)). If they flat out say not possible, don’t give up. Ask what you need to do to get the title/salary you want.

      I have someone on my team that is always asking for a raise (“i worked hard!”) but she’s at the top of her payscale. She isn’t performing at the level to get promoted. We talk about this constantly. She’s frustrated and she may quit but I’m willing to let her until/unless she hits the performance expectations for the promotion. Also, in my company, to get a promotion to the level she wants, you need all the executive support. She doesn’t have and won’t get it.

  5. Anonymous

    My office holiday party is this afternoon, and my coworkers are blasting Christmas music throughout the office. I know that I should have called in sick today.

    • Baconpancakes aka The Grinch

      I also hate Christmas music, but I think I wouldn’t hate it quite so much if people didn’t start playing it so early, and with so much constancy. Throw in one or two songs on the playlist at the coffee shop, fine, but when Christmas radio is all that’s playing, all day, for three to four weeks, I’ll stop patronizing.

      Overall, I’m just repulsed by the obsession with Christmas. I used to live in Spain, where people actually care about the religious meaning of the holiday, and they were MUCH less obnoxious about Christmas than Americans. A big part of my dislike of the holiday does come from feeling excluded as a Jew, and then being told I’m being ridiculous to think that the holiday of CHRISTmas might actually have anything to do with the worship of Christ. There’s a refusal to admit that the nation is being Christian when it celebrates the holiday, and I think that’s what bothers me the most.

      Yes, I’m aware this makes me a Grinch. I’m ok with that. I’m aware most Americans are by default at least nominally Christian, even if they live their lives completely secularly and personally don’t believe in God or Jesus in any way, and I certainly can’t dictate the way people celebrate a holiday. That doesn’t make me any less sick of it. I cannot WAIT until January.

      • Anon

        I’m an atheist who loves Christmas. I don’t think it belongs in the workplace (or government buildings!) and I definitely think it’s over commercialized. But it’s not going to change, so Grinch on!

        • Baconpancakes aka The Grinch

          Haha, thanks! As long as I’m allowed to Grinch, it’s a lot easier to take.

        • Anonymous

          I also love Christmas, but if people played Christmas music at work I would not be pleased.

        • NYNY

          +1

          Another atheist here, and when people ask what holiday I celebrate, I say Christmas, but more Santa than baby Jesus. My DH is grinchy, but I always point out the pagan origins of celebrating the solstice and how in dark northern places, it totally makes sense to bring some nature and light into the house this time of year.

          That being said, totally with you on the Christmas overload. I heard “Feliz Navidad” in OCTOBER this year. Seriously, WTF?

          • Senior Attorney

            OMG I am laughing so loud in my office that I can’t breathe and people are stopping at my door and looking at me inquisitively!

            PEW PEW PEW 50 snickerdoodles!!

          • Anonymous

            I observe and love Christmas but the hater’s guide to the W-S catalog cracks me up every year. Thanks for the alert that it’s out! And Grinch on, even with my love of the holiday I find the music and decorations everywhere beginning in October to be way too much.

        • Anon0321

          Also an atheist here and I love Christmas (we celebrate both Xmas and Chanukah in our family). But I hate when people start putting stuff up/out pre thanksgiving and when people barf Xmas lights and decs on their lawns– there is such thing as to much (did anyone see the Xmas do for last man I earth– carol was hilarious on the show but that stuff drives me bananas irl).

      • Anon

        I’m a Christian who hates (most of) the Christmas music and commercialism. I do enjoy the parties and being with family and friends.

        Sign me, fellow Grinch

      • Anonymous

        I’m also Jewish and it’s definitely frustrating how many people who celebrate Christmas refuse to acknowledge that, whether or not they personally believe in G-d or Jesus, it’s a Christian holiday that makes people who have a different religion feel excluded. My former firm (where I was the only Jewish attorney, but not the only Jewish employee) refused to have a menorah as part of our holiday display because the “holiday tree” aka Christmas tree “was totally inclusive.” Yeah, right!
        I kind of like Christmas music actually but I feel like there are only 5-6 songs that get played regularly and so it gets annoying hearing the same music over and over again on the radio, in malls, etc. at this time of year.

        • Ditto!

          Ditto. After my workplace claimed the Christmas tree was a secular celebration of all holidays–and they specifically cited Diwali–I forced the issue and put up a Festivus pole.

    • Cb

      My other half’s work choir did a carol event this year which has meant he’s been practicing carols for the past two months. I feel your pain!

      • Whoa

        So what are these NSFW Christmas songs?!?!? “I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus” or more risque? Because I can’t really think of a NSFW Christmas song.

    • Diana Barry

      I love Christmas but I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate all of the music that is played commercially. My favorites are obscure Renaissance carols and even more obscure modern carols. :)

      • TBK

        Yes. Totally depends on the kind of Christmas music. Academy of St. Martin in the Fields? Choir at New College Oxford? Tallis Scholars? All in. Pop Christmas music? Ugh. That stuff is evil.

      • Amelia Bedelia

        YES! my college choir did a madrigal feast each year and I LOVED singing the renaissance carols.

    • Anonymous

      I’m blaming the Christmas music (which is so loud that I can hear it through my shut office door), for my horrible no-good bad mood.

  6. Woods-comma-Elle

    SO and I are looking at Hawaii for a holiday in June (exciting!). We have flights booked to Honolulu and are considering which other islands to go to.

    SO has been twice before and originally we considered a couple of days on Hawaii proper, but then having started researching, Kauai looks pretty awesome too and the bonus is that it would be new for both of us.

    Would welcome any recommendations for things to see/do, where to stay and eat and drink etc. In particular, would be keen on thoughts as to whether a day trip from Oahu to the big island would be a completely harebrained idea (this is what we are currently contemplating, with another couple of days in Kauai).

    We like nice food and nice hotels (not budget ones), we’re not particularly athletic, but some of the activities in Kauai look awesome. We like the ocean, but SO is not really one for lying around on a beach all day (I’ll happily do that while he goes for a day of diving or something).

    • NYNY

      If you go to the Big Island, do more than a day. It really is big, and the best things to do take some time. Volcano national park is incredible, and there is a green sand beach near the southern tip of the island that is one of the most breathtaking things I’ve ever seen. Totally worth a few days.

      We stayed in Hilo, which doesn’t have nice hotels, but next time, we plan to stay at least one night at the hotel in the volcano park, which is lovely. Also, the Kailuau-Kona side of the island, which we didn’t get to, has resorts.

      • emeralds

        I agree that you need more than one day for the Big Island. It’s huge and there’s no way I can see to do the big attractions in one day–Volcanoes is on completely the opposite side from Kailua-Kona, which is where the rest of the cool stuff is, plus you should stay at least one overnight so you can go stargazing up towards the observatory on Mauna Kea (did not do this, majorly regret it). If you decide to go to the Big Island for a couple of days, I stayed at the Marriott in Waikoloa Beach (after bailing on the most disgusting hotel I’ve ever been in IN MY LIFE, Ellen caps much deserved, in Hilo), and really liked it despite the so-so reviews; they’re also supposed to have the best luau on the island. There were nice restaurants within walking distance, and Kailua Kona was an easy drive. I would also recommend doing one of the horseback riding tours–it was a great way to see a side of the island that I never would have gotten to on my own.

    • Mrs. Jones

      I’ve been to HI a few times. I recommend staying on one island for several days, because there’s lots to do on each island. You don’t want to waste half a day in an airport/plane. If you go to Maui, eat at Mama’s Fish House. If you go to the big island, stay on the dry side, not the wet side, and bring binoculars to watch the lava.

    • MJ

      Check out Sunset Magazines online archives. They have loads of really great recs, including what guidebooks are best.

    • Anonymous

      I love the Big Island. It’s my favorite Hawaiian island and I think it’s worth more than a day. It’s big and diverse. The Kailua-Kona area has beautiful hotels and beaches and wonderful snorkeling and Volcanoes National Park is definitely worth a visit too and takes a full day to see thoroughly. In general, I’m a big proponent of day trips, but I think even if your plan is to just see Volcanoes, you won’t begin to see it well in the half day you’ll have leftover after flying, renting a car, and driving. I second the rec for Mama’s Fish House if you make it to Maui and Kauai is also spectacular if you like hiking and natural scenery. Personally, I’d ditch Oahu immediately and head to one of the other islands. If you have a week, you can easily do two of the three other main islands. My vote would be for the Big Island and Kauai.

      • Meg March

        I second ditching Oahu immediately, but Maui is my favorite Hawaiian island, and highly recommend it. I think it’s the best combination between gorgeous natural scenery/exploring and a wide variety of activities. And yes, Mama’s is a must if you’re on Maui. I’ll be following this thread closely, since we’re going to Kauai (where I’ve never been) for our honeymoon next year.

        • Anonymous

          You might reconsider after you visit Kauai…I like Maui but it has nothing on Kauai as far as natural scenery. Na Pali, Waimea Canyon and Kalalau Valley are orders of magnitude more beautiful than anything else in Hawaii. A helicopter tour on Kauai is a must. And I think there’s a lot to do on Kauai – we went hiking, ziplining, and whale watching, plus of course lots of beaching and snorkeling. The only area where I think it lags behind Maui and other islands is the restaurant scene (and maybe nightlife too, I don’t know anything about that).

          • Meg March

            Yeah, I don’t think I finished my thought entirely– I think Maui has the best combo of nature, family-friendly activities, and nightlife– you get some of each, while I think some of the other islands lean more heavily towards one or the other. I’ve only been to the Big Island, Maui and Oahu, though. And I’m definitely looking forward to checking out Kauai!

        • Anonymous

          I don’t get the Oahu hate. There is so much history there! It was just the anniversary of the Day that Will Live in Infamy Forever. It is the crossroads of the world!

          I have a weak spot for the Aloha Bowl flea market and the Queen Emma house (how many parts of the US had queens?). All of Hawaii is great though.

          • From Honolulu

            I get it, but it’s such a limited view. Yeah, if your only visit to Oahu is Waikiki, it’s gross. Get thee to Kona stat.

            I just played tourist on Oahu for a family wedding and LOVED spending time up on the north shore area, golfing with family, doing hikes on the east side, visiting my favorite food jaunts, but I also know all the places. Paddling with crews out on the windward side, meeting up with friends at Lanikai beach; just fabulous, but it’s not like you step off the plane into natural beauty everywhere (maui/kauai/big island)

            Maui feels like a natural disneyland. The big island has really cool nature (a tropical paradise!) and I’ve heard similar things about Kauai.

            Also, on Maui, highly recommend the backside of the road to hana and also Hailemaile general store and paia fish market.

      • Senior Attorney

        The Volcano House Hotel in Volcanoes National Park is fantastic — on a par with the Ahwahnee in Yosemite — and has a fabulous restaurant with views of the erupting volcano. Definitely worth a stay.

    • ADL

      Kauai is a pretty laid back island – if you’re not in a time crunch and have flexibility, you don’t even need to make reservations for things until you get there. Recommend a helicopter tour (you get to see the huge Jurassic Park waterfall), ATV ride through the fields (wear long pants), ziplining and/or river tubing, the original Lappert’s ice cream stand.

    • Kaua'i

      I went to Kaua’i several years ago on a solo trip, and I love, love, love, loved it. So beautiful.

      Things to do:
      – boat trip from the south side of the island around to the north shore. The north shore is simply breathtaking and you can’t really see it unless you do a strenuous hike or helicopter. Even with a hike, you don’t get to see it from a distance, which is amazing. saw several sea turtles and tons of spinner dolphins.
      – The island has one main loop. I took a day and basically drove the loop. The island is small so doing the loop in a day is totally doable. I stopped at the numerous beaches along the way, stopped to look at a few water falls, stopped to look at the light house on the northern side of the island (beautiful!), stopped and looked at the huge dry cave at the north end. All of the stops were easy to get to and were really enjoyable.
      – See the canyon. You can drive and pull off at overlooks or hike or helicopter.
      – There was a sort of hole in the wall place called Shrimp Station near the entrance to the canyon that I ate at about 3 times. Not fancy (think eat at picnic tables on dirt), but tasty.
      – Beach House is a beautiful restaurant.
      – I toured the coffee plantation. They have tastings sort of like visiting a winery. Really pretty.
      – Check out Waulai Falls. Drive there
      – Spouting horn is an easy stop too and pretty neat (touristy)
      – I did a kayaking/ziplining tour. It was really wonderful and not too strenuous.
      – Eat as much fresh fruit as you can 

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      We spent our entire honeymoon (8 days) on the Big Island, and *still* didn’t quite manage to see everything we were interested in, so I’d definitely recommend more than a day trip there – there’s tons to do, and it’s a bit of a hike from Oahu, so I’m not sure it’d be worth it to fly there for only a day. At the very least, you’d want 2-3 days to explore.

    • KinCA

      Kauai is my favorite Hawaiian island; it’s so lush and green and beautiful and not quite as touristy as Hawaii or Maui (though definitely still touristy!). If it’s in your budget, look at the St. Regis Princeville. The north side of the island is so picturesque and the views from the hotel are insane. My husband and I stayed there for a few nights years ago and really enjoyed our time there. The spa there was beautiful and remains my favorite spa experience of all time.

      We didn’t do much with our time there, mainly just reading, lounging, and enjoying the views (Kauai is pretty laid-back). We took a helicopter ride over some of the canyons and parts of the island that are inaccessible by car, and it was so breathtaking and memorable. It’s hard to believe that places like that are even real! We also rented a car and drove around exploring jungles/parks/waterfalls, which was really cool (cover up, though – I got eaten alive by bugs!).

    • DCR

      So, I’m going to be the dissenting voice here. I want to Hawaii with my mom a few years ago. I hope to go again at some point in my life, but it was a once in a lifetime trip for my mom. She wanted to see the big island, so we went for a day. We found a company that organized the whole day – flights from Oahu, transporting on the big island, admission to Valcano national park. There were about 15 people on our tour, so we were not alone but it wasn’t a big tour group experience.

      It was a long day, but a ton of fun and interesting. Are there other things I would have loved to do on the big island? Sure, of course. Could I have been happy visiting for a few days? Absolutely, but we didn’t have that much time. Was my mom happy she got to see it? YES, and she will likely never get another chance.

      So, my view is that you can do it in a day and should if this is a once in a lifetime trip to Hawaii. And I would recommend doing a tour, but it is the best way to see the most in one day. If you expect that you will be taking multiple trips to Hawaii in your lifetime (don’t I wish), maybe save it for another trip.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      I feel like hopping from island to island would add a lot of stress to a vacation to Hawaii, unless it was a really long trip. I have been to all of the inhabited islands (except Niihau), and have not island hopped, except one three week trip where we did Maui/Lanai/Molokai.

      Either Kauai or Maui is my favorite, but Oahu is definitely my least favorite.

  7. KateMiddletown

    What resources did you use in planning an intimate/budget wedding? We think we want to do a church and a restaurant, probably in the city where we met since it will be a destination wedding for 80% of guests no matter where we host it. Early stages of planning, but I’d love to hear what yours looked like or where I can find more not-Knot weddings.

    • CountC

      I did not plan it so this will probably not be helpful, but I attended the intimate wedding of a friend that was in a popular restaurant in Philly. They rented out the private back room and had a guest count of about 50 people. They did their short and sweet ceremony right there in the restaurant with no wedding party and a nondenominational officiant. There was no dancing in the restaurant or anything like that, but those of us who were friends migrated to a local bar afterwards to continue the party with the bride and groom. We all stayed at the same hotel and met for brunch the next morning. It was very simple and classy and I enjoyed it!

      • ALX emily

        This is essentially what my wedding was (not in Philly). We just thought through all the restaurants we liked, looked up which had private rooms, and picked the one of those with the best food. Then we googled for an officiant and that was that!

    • KT

      I avoided Pinterest and the Knot like whoah. I focused on what was important to me-for me, that was tasty food and drinks, but not flower arrangements or centerpieces.

      We drove around a lot until I saw an old Victorian mansion I adored. We contacted them and they had a full planner on staff who arranged everything–we had the ceremony and reception at the same place. When I told them house small I wanted it (about 30 people), she didn’t bat an eye and suggested ways to arrange furniture to make it cozy and nice, adjusted the food accordingly, and even found us a baker who agreed to make a smaller than typical wedding cake. She had a DJ, florist (just for my bouquet) and photographer that she recommended, so we gave her the go ahead to hire them.

      We had one meeting where I ate food and chose colors/appetizers/entrees, but that was it, and my wedding was gorgeous, perfect, and under 10,000.

      The only thing I had to find for myself was an officiant, but Google took care of that :)

      I’ve found most wedding venues will have someone on staff to help plan your event; as long as you arent looking for a big thing, they are perfect.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I found Offbeat Bride to be helpful with ideas for weddings on a budget. They are big on you doing you for your wedding and not what is expected of weddings. A Practical Wedding (the book and s*te) were also helpful.

      The key for us was picking what we cared about and putting our money there. Our photographer was the most expensive thing. Food from a bbq restaurant was 1/5 of the cost of the catering places and a million times better. I knew I wanted tulips but didn’t care about arrangements so I bought a bunch of tulips from a floral wholesaler and my crafty friend put together my bouquet and the rest went simply in cases on the tables. We got wine through a friend of a friend who is a distributed and beer and lemonade from Costco. Didn’t have dancing so just made our own Spotify playlist.

      There are many ways to save money if you focus on what is most important to you.

      Congratulations!

      • Sydney Bristow

        Oh one thing to consider when picking a venue. If you find a place that is already pretty on its own you won’t have to spend as much (or anything) on decor. So if you aren’t tied to a particular church, visit a few. We got married in my parents’ backyard with a gorgeous view so we didn’t have to do much else. My friend got married in a fairly bare church and felt like she needed to do a ton of work to make it pretty. Another friend got married in a gorgeous little chapel with a view and had the reception at a nice restaurant and didn’t spend a dime on decor.

    • N.C. anon

      If you think you might use a wedding planner (which I *highly* recommend, even though we hired her after we had done most of the booking), he or she may have a lot of insight into helping you find the venues to have the wedding you want.

    • CHJ

      Check out the blog (and book) A Practical Wedding. It’s full of great ideas for intimate weddings, including many with receptions at city restaurants.

    • same

      No words of wisdom yet, but I’m doing the same thing this spring — 40-person chapel wedding, then a restaurant reception. After we got engaged two years ago, I started planning a bigger, more wedding-industrial-complexish wedding and ultimately decided to put the brakes on and start from scratch. This time around feels much truer to who we are as a couple. Happy planning, hope you’ll keep us updated!

    • Anonymous

      We had a daytime reception in coastal Maine. Like you, 80%+ of our guests were going to have to fly to the wedding anyway, so we figured we would have it somewhere beautiful that’s a vacation destination. Despite being in a popular and expensive resort area, it was far cheaper than having it in a major city would have been. Our venue was a hotel right on the coast and we had the ceremony on their lawn and then the reception immediately after in their restaurant. The restaurant opened for dinner service so our wedding had to end by 4:30 pm. It did have a more casual vibe, being in the daytime, but we did serve a full sit down meal and had a DJ and a packed dance floor and I think everyone really enjoyed themselves. We didn’t have a cocktail hour because of the wedding being in the middle of the day, so that saved a boatload of money. Venue/food and the photographer were the only huge expenses and then we spent between $500 and $1K each on each of the following things: my dress, a DJ, an officiant, and a florist (for bouquets and boutonnieres, we didn’t do centerpieces and I don’t think anyone missed them because of all the natural scenery around).
      As far as intimate, I think the key is not inviting too many people. The best weddings I’ve gone to (mine included) had less than 150 guests in attendance. Having a smaller crowd creates a more intimate feel and allows the bride and groom to talk to everyone. I’ve gone to some really fancy bigger weddings that I didn’t enjoy because I felt like the guests were just watching the bride & groom put on a show and there was no personal interaction. Obviously plenty of people disagree and prefer the big, fancy weddings, but if your goal is intimate, an easy way to achieve that is inviting less people (and that helps with the budget too of course).

    • MarriedCheap

      We got married in a beautiful park (we didn’t get a permit, so no fees), with a family member officiating (paid like $10? to have her ordained online), and had the reception at a restaurant we loved that had a beautiful party room. The only major expenses were photographer (a generous gift from our parents, and since we did the wedding at an off time and only had coverage at the ceremony it was less than $1,000) and the restaurant — so basically we put our money to what mattered to us, high quality food and booze. My guy is a music nut and he was able to DJ using his ipod on the restaurant’s sound system, and one of my happiest memories from the day was dancing with my friends and suddenly my favorite song came on and I thought “this is the best DJ ever! oh wait it’s my husband!”

      It was perfect for us. I loved that we didn’t have to *manage* much of anything (no planner, no decorations, no flowers, no real schedule, no vendors to coordinate) and that meant that we got to focus on celebrating with friends and family.

      I also have a friend who did a tiny ceremony followed by brunch at on the private patio of a lovely restaurant. I wasn’t able to go but the pictures are beautiful because the patio was covered with flowers and vines. Again her only expenses were the officiant, food, and booze. Depending on your style, brunch seems like a delightfully intimate option.

      • heatherskib

        +1
        Our city has tons of beautiful parks. We paid $100 to rent a park that focused on nature trails and lakeside vistas. That $100 also included renting pavilions with seating for 200. We made the flowers and food ourselves. Friends made the cake, did the photography, etc.. My Aunt ended up officiating, but as we’d snuck off and gotten married at the court house in secret 3 months prior, it was a figurehead position. We rented a professional level sound system and draped teh pavilion in cheesecloth and paper lanterns.

    • pepperment

      I really valued the multiple events in my own wedding (well, really wedding weekend) because we had so many out-of-town guests we don’t get to see very often. We had a huge rehearsal dinner the night before with a pasta buffet (around $15/head) and basically gave guests the heads up that we would be at our favorite coffee shop on Sunday morning. The wedding itself wasn’t budget but the best spent money was on the much more inexpensive events surrounding the actual ceremony.

      • peppermint

        Keep in mind, also, that DIY is not always cheaper than a commercial option. (I spent $9 per table number because I made them myself when I really should have rented the caterers numbers for about $2/table.)

  8. Pesh

    Recommendations on a starter knife block set? Looking to spend less than $200. Thanks!!

    • Anon

      I’ve been through a lot of knives in my life of cooking. If I could do it all over again, I would not buy a set. I would go to Sur La Table and get the best chef’s knife I could afford. Then I’d buy an inexpensive serrated knife (for bread and tomatoes) and a fairly cheap paring knife (I like the Kuhn Rikon), plus a sharpening steel. You can buy a block separately if you want one, or just buy a sheath for the chefs knife.

      My brand recommendation is he agencies Twin line (not their lower priced non-twin line). Wustof is good too. I would choose based on how the handle feels in your hand.

      • Anonymous

        As a fellow seeker of a knife set (but not the OP), I appreciate this advice, but it’s overwhelming to me to think about plunking down a lot of money for one knife. What if I want a medium-sized knife for chopping vegetables but a larger one for chopping melon and what about carving a chicken or turkey? Is this just being an inexperienced cook? Would one chef’s knife handle all of my cutting needs? /no snark, seriously asking.

        • Anon

          Once you get used to handling the chef’s knife you will not want to use another knife for most purposes.

        • Ems

          Shun Santoku kitchen/chef’s knife. AMAZING. Cutco meat/carving knife doubles as a bread knife with it’s awesome serrated edge.

      • anon

        I would go with four knives–chef’s knife, small paring knife, bread knife, and small serrated knife for tomatoes. I have a full set of knives and those are the only ones I use with regularity. I have a cheap bread knife but love my Henckels tomato knife. The rest of my knives are Wusthof. The Wusthof and Henckels are still going strong after about 15 years. Keep them sharpened and never, ever put them in the dishwasher.

        If kids are in your future, consider an in-drawer knife block instead of a standard countertop block. Then you can put a toddler lock on the drawer.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – you can buy an empty block and then provide a few starting knives, but I wouldn’t do a set.

        +1 – to how the handle feels in your hand. I went with one of the “cheaper” Wusthof lines because it had a shorter handle that didn’t hit my wrist when holding the knife properly. Properly = pinch the top of the blade (chef knife or santoku style knife) between thumb and first finger and then wrap the rest of the fingers around the handle.

        Check with a local knife store to see if they also have a knife-skills class, if you haven’t done one before.

    • Digby

      I usually rely on Cooks’ Illustrated/America’s Test Kitchen for equipment reviews, so I checked their site. The following is roughly your price range, but also 4 years old, so prices may have changed. In general, their recommendation is to buy individual pieces – that way, you get good components, and only the most useful ones, and you can add/subtract components to meet your price range.

      Best Buy à la carte Knife Set (7 pieces) – $214.95 total
      Set contains:
      • Victorinox Fibrox Paring Knife: $4.95
      • Victorinox Fibrox 8-inch Chef’s Knife: $29.95
      • Victorinox 10-1/4-inch Fibrox Serrated (Wavy/Curvy) Bread Knife: $49.95
      • Victorinox Fibrox 12-Inch Granton Edge Slicing Knife: $49.95
      • Victorinox Fibrox 6-inch Straight Boning Knife: Flexible: $19.95
      • J. A. Henckels International Kitchen Shears—Take Apart: $14.95
      • Bodum Bistro Universal Knife Block: $44.95
      Weak links: 0 of 7

      • Godzilla

        I went with Victorinox. To me, European and/or Japanese steel was most important in looking at knife quality once I determined the knife shape. I got the chef’s knife, a serrated knife, and an el cheapo santoku knife for ~$17 (black, from amazon). I love all of them – so sharp, so amazing.

      • waffles

        +2
        We bought Victorinox on the Cook’s Illustrated recommendation. We also have some more expensive knives (Henkels, Global) but the Victorinox is BY FAR the favourite in our house!!

    • KateMiddletown

      I bought a 5 pack from Homegoods (not sure of the brand) that came with all the essentials and probably cost $15. My knife block is a bamboo guy from IKEA, and it was about $12. The combo was a great first apartment buy and I’ll give it to someone else for their 1st apartment when I (eventually) upgrade.

    • TBK

      Agree on no sets. You can get decent brands like Wusthof at discount stores like Home Goods or TJ Maxx. My mom bought my chef’s knife there and pretty much if I’m cooking, that knife is in my hand. For years I had just that knife and an equally good (and also bought at Home Goods) paring knife. When I needed a serrated edge, I used one of my (cheap) steak knives. If you’re not sure what makes a good knife, it might be worth spending the extra money to go to a store like Sur la Table where someone can help you choose. But definitely put the money into a quality chef’s knife first. Then use what’s left of your money to buy a paring knife.

    • Senior Attorney

      +1 to a la carte rather than a set. And keep an eye out for promotions. I got my Henckels (sp?) knives at Bed, Bath & Beyond and they were having a promotion where if you spent a certain amount on knives you got the block for free.

    • Anonymous

      On a related note – you may want to reconsider the block itself – theres been some studies that have shown they’re a hot bed for bacteria and other nasties at times.

  9. pugsnbourbon

    Yet another gift-advice request.

    My mother-in-law passed away less than two weeks ago – she had been diagnosed with lung cancer in August and it went downhill fast. Christmas is going to be awful, but I still want to give my FIL something, and the husband and I are stumped. I can think of a really loaded message in nearly any gift. Sweatpants? Yep, it’s time to give up! Bottle of booze? Have fun drinking alone! I feel like an awful Grinch. Any ideas?

    • JJ

      Are you close geographically? What about an experience-type gift that may make him happy for a few hours? Spending some time with you and your husband might be just what he needs.

    • KT

      How about a dog? (only if he really likes them and would be okay with it, of course). A dog will help keep the house from being too quiet, give him something that will be with him for support, etc.

      Only thought of it because when my grandfather died, my grandmother said she wanted a puppy, and it was the only thing that gave her any comfort

      • Anonymous

        omg NO do not get someone a dog if you have no idea if he wants one or can properly take care of it!! And certainly do not buy a puppy from a breeder! This is how so many dogs end up in shelters and getting euthanized.

        • Maddie Ross

          Totally agree no dog. (a) he might not want one, (b) even if he does, he may want more control over the who and when, and (c) he may want to use this time now to be home less – traveling, getting out, etc. Maybe setting up some kind of meal service for him so that he is getting yummy, healthy meals for one? My grandfather was the worst about this when my grandmother passed away. He basically lived on Tastee-Kakes for months.

      • Brant

        If you go this route, do a gift certificate to a kennel/rescue. That way, you don’t end up with a dog you can’t return. If you think it will go over well, do a certificate for a day where you go to the shelters or kennels and shop.

        If he isn’t feeling it, no harm no foul.

    • TO Lawyer

      What about an experience gift? It might be nice for your FIL to have a change to spend some quality time with his son and DIL.

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

    • Anon

      Could you do a gourmet food basket filled with comfort foods and healthy treats? I find men off struggle with eating well after their wives pass. I would combine this with an experience gift – either tickets to attend an event with you and DH if you live nearby or tickets to come visit you if you live far away.

      • pugsnbourbon

        We are a ~3 hour drive away, so going out for weekend visits is definitely on our plate. We’ll put our heads together for some experience gifts – FIL lives in a decent-size city, so there will be options. A dog has been tossed around as an idea, but I’m wary of giving an animal as a gift.

        Thank you all for your kind words and great ideas.

        • anon

          How about a museum membership? My in-laws love their membership to the local art museum. It gives them free tickets to special exhibitions and access to special programming. If you gave him a membership and then actually took him to the museum for his first visit, that might get him more excited about making future visits.

        • Anon

          An pet should not be a surprise gift, but if you think it may be something he would want, talk to him about it.

        • anon

          Also, if he does get a dog before Christmas, how about a gift certificate for obedience classes? A necessity for every new dog owner, and a social experience to boot.

          • Care

            +1

            If you discuss what kind of furry companion he would like with him, help him pick it out, and get it for him (paying shelter fees or buying it or whatever), then I would definitely purchase obedience classes at a dog training place as a gift. Not only is it a necessity and good social time, it’s a good new hobby because it gets you out of the house at set times and actually can be pretty fun.

      • POSITA

        What about several months of a house cleaner? If your MIL used to clean and do laundry, he might appreciate having someone else continue to do it for him. I’m not sure my father has ever scrubbed a bathtub or used a washing machine.

        • asdf

          No kidding – about 6 months after my mother died my father started to give me laundry tips. I was 41 and had been doing my own laundry (and my family’s) for ~20 years. He was just figuring it out.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      What about finding support groups in his town and other senior activities? Surely there’s a poker group somewhere… Maybe get him some sort of game so he can host game night? Maybe organize the first one for him? As far as a pet, maybe look into fostering an animal and provide him with information? Or volunteering at a local animal shelter? Just knowing the information may be the biggest gift, so you can talk to him about things to do.

    • KateMiddletown

      Monogrammed pajamas from Land’s End. (We finally decided on this for my mom and dad.) Order by the 18th to have them shipped pre-Xmas. And they’re 30% off today (but watch for better.)

    • Bee

      State park pass? Garden membership? Someone else mentioned a museum membership. Are there any clubs he might enjoy, like the Homebrewers Association?

      I’d look for things that will get him out of the house and give him access to social outings. Museums, etc. have all sorts of social events if he wants to take advantage, but it doesn’t come off as pushy.

  10. Networking Q

    I want to make a career change in the coming year, and I need to network like crazy to make it happen. I’ve never really had to network this way for a job before, so I need some advice on how to go about it. I have a list of people I’ve identified from my university’s career services as well as friends of friends, and I’ve read a bit about how to go about this online. My major question is how do I ask my friends to put me in touch with people? Like, what’s a socially appropriate way to do that, and what do I say? I know they’d be happy to do it, but I don’t want to commit some faux pas or overstep. I’m also open to any and all networking advice for this purpose. Also, how far in advance is too early to start making connections with people before you expect to need it? Is 9 months to a year too soon?

    • Anonymous

      To Friend: “I’ve been thinking about make a switch to X. Do you know anyone that might be willing to talk to me about X?”

      Don’t make it about finding a job, make it about finding information. Remember that networking is primarily about building relationships, so also be open to how you might be able to benefit the other person, if not now then sometime in the future.

      • Networking Q

        I have no idea how I could benefit the other person. Is this something I try to figure out and offer, or just jump on an opportunity to do so when it presents itself, or just tell them if there’s anything I can do for them, I’m happy to?

        • Anonymous

          Let it be organic. It’s part of building relationships, as opposed to just using people to get jobs. Sometimes it can be as simple as a recommendation to a good restaurant or theater or park or school. I mean it’s a business relationship, so you are using each other to a certain extent, as opposed to the emotional relationships you have with friends/family.

          • TBK

            Actually I would say that drawing a hard line between business contacts and friends is a mistake. Probably 80% of my friends are also business contacts. They’re people my husband and I have met through law school and work, and so we help each other out by bringing food when someone’s lost a grandparent and by sending clients or jobs people’s way.

          • Brant

            I am similar to TBK but flipped. I have personal friends that over time have been useful proessionally. For example, my best friend is a patient att’y. I needed to find one and she helped me understand what to look for and gave me some referrals. My good friend from high school is a high profile columnist for the NY times. I have a ton of media contacts through her now. She never wrote about my company directly, but i got great exposure through her contacts.

    • anon a mouse

      Start as soon as possible. Don’t be craven – be genuine about learning about the roles and responsibilities of different jobs that exist. Also allow plenty of time because your first contact might not be your best, and it might take some time to get in touch with the right people to help you.

    • TBK

      This is all good advice but I would also suggest using this as motivation to just be better about making networking part of your life going forward. I think too many people think it’s something you do when you need something and it therefore can seem tacky and awkward (“hey I was never interested enough in you and your life to talk to you for the last three years, friend from college, but now I want you to take an hour to talk to me because I want something from you”). Find time for lunches or coffee or just a quick email on a regular basis as part of your career to keep relationships going. Ideally jobs should land in your lap because you just talk to people regularly and these things come up in conversation. Obviously not necessarily helpful right now, but something I learned the hard way and am trying to make sure I incorporate going forward.

  11. Chile!

    DH and I booked a trip to Chile last night. We’re leaving Christmas Day! It’s so last minute, but we had some time and figured we’d go for it! I’d love recommendations. We’re flying into Santiago, and want to do 1-2 days in the city, eating, drinking, walking, and then get out of town and into the mountains. We’re both active and love the outdoors. I wish I could tell you more, but we just booked the flights last night, so don’t have really anything planned yet!

    • Wanderlust

      Valparaiso, on the coast about an hour from Santiago, is lovely. San Pedro de Atacama (about an hour flight from Santiago) is otherworldly. Bon voyage!

    • Meara

      I’m going in March, so I’ll look forward to any recommendations you have post-trip!

    • Anon

      Second Valparaiso — it was one of the coolest experiences I’ve had walking around and enjoying streetscapes.

    • waffles

      Valparaiso is awesome! I was in Chile recently (mostly Santiago) and Valparaiso was definitely the highlight for me. I used the tour group Chile off Track who picked me up at the Santiago airport and organized the whole day.

      • Anonymous

        It’s like they switched the 2 to an 8 in the hopes that no one would notice. I understand the tall probably uses more fabric, but if the regular isn’t more than the petite, why should the tall be more than the regular.

      • anon

        Price discrimination–economics 101. They know we tall women have few alternatives so they think they can get away with charging more.

      • Anonymous

        J. Crew is the only store I’ve seen do this kind of price discrimination. I will not buy anything from them, no matter how much I like it or how good the price is, for this reason.

        • Anonymous

          I have seen it from Lands End, in the past when they had few Tall options, but not recently now that they are doing more Tall options. Usually on things like coats or cashmere sweaters, where more (expensive) materials were needed.

  13. needyneedy

    My boyfriend recently was prescribed adderall for his lack of focus. (I don’t know that he needs it, but that’s not the question here.)

    Since he’s started taking it, I’ve noticed he gives me less attention during the day. I think this is a good thing – he is doing better at work (lawyer) and is happier as a result. However, he is so focused on work that I end up feeling kind of ignored. Typically we text a bit early afternoon, checking in and maybe making a plan for that evening. Lately I am the one to initiate this contact, or else I don’t hear from him until after work.

    Additionally, he is having some classic s*xual side effects. Physical intimacy is a large part of our relationship, and it’s been weird to have issues in that arena.

    I don’t think any of this has to do with us or our relationship – I genuinely believe it’s side effects of the medicine. At night (once meds have worn off), he is attentive and intimate. However, sometimes I can’t help but take it personally/feel ignored and unwanted.

    In general, I’m a super needy person, and require a lot of attention in relationships. This is something I’m working on and am in therapy for. I guess I am wondering if any of you have experience with this kind of thing. I know a lot of us have partners with high-powered careers – how do we avoid taking it personally?

    • anonymous

      I’ve gone through periods of feeling super needy in the past, and I realized that my neediness correlates with how much (or little) I have going on in my life. I started taking on harder projects at work and things like that (which I wanted to do anyway) and that helped with the neediness/not taking things personally a lot. It’s hard to notice or care when his attention is diverted elsewhere when mine is too.

    • Anonymous

      I am a relatively new stimulant-taker – within the last several months – for the same reason. Nobody every “thought” I needed it either, but it makes a huge difference in my life. So, try not to armchair diagnose. Almost nobody in my life knows because I am afraid of judgment.

      It can make it hard to switch tasks – sometimes I don’t even like to stop what I’m doing to eat lunch, even if I’m hungry – it’s probably not that he’s ignoring you, he is just intently focused on getting his work done.

      Can’t help with the intimate side effects. Just trying to share some perspective from the other side.

    • Anon

      What you need to do is scream at him on the phone and then drive over to his house in the middle of the night and scream at him some more.

      Happy to help.

    • Baconpancakes aka The Grinch

      I’m waaaay less needy when I feel like my non-relationship stuff is going great. When I start to feel neglected but I know intellectually that it’s simply not true, I throw myself a bit more into work, and lo and behold, I get praise at work, get more interesting stuff to do, and suddenly I’m the one forgetting to text and he’s the one always wanting my attention, which is a nice little go boost that levels the field a bit.

      Home projects and most hobbies don’t work for me, since I generally do home stuff and hobby stuff with/for my partner.

    • Anonymous

      When people are at work, they should be working. What he’s doing sounds about right. And +1 to the first comment.

    • Anonymous

      It’s ok to feel what you feel, but you need to think about what is actually going on – he’s more focused and is actually working at work rather than getting distracted and goofing off by texting. Isn’t that a good thing? Barring special events, you should be ignored while he is busy working and he should also be ignored while you are busy working.

  14. First Trial Advice?

    I have my first trial coming up in a few weeks. I’ve been practicing for several years, but have never actually gone to trial (though I’ve handled several arbitrations). Any advice from the litigators among us?

    For reference, it’s a 3 day bench trial, local to me. Thank you in advance for any tips!

    • Anon

      The ABA Section of Litigation has a lot of ‘tips’ articles on the Trial Practice Committee page. They also have a page called something like “101” or similar with checklists and articles on doing your ‘first’ something.

      For me, the key is being organized. have your binders ready, etc.
      Bring your rule books.
      Read over the rules of evidence. If it will make you feel better, make a handy chart or one-pager with objections written out for quick reference. I doubt you’ll refer to it much during the trial, but it will help you everyone has their own way but consider having witness files. outline your examinations but generally don’t write out your questions entirely – like a depo, if you write out your questions too much, you end up reading the questions without listening to the answers, which is not good.
      At the top of every witness folder I wrote a one/two word list of about 4 things that I wanted to make sure I got out of the witness. At the end of my examination, I looked at that very short list and made sure I hit every topic. it made me feel better.
      have a tech and supply box – extra extension cords, post-its, blank paper, protein bars, and empty water bottle, a small bag with personal care essentials. I kept an extra pair of shoes with me and I kept an extra outfit in the car in case I spilled coffee or ripped my suit, I had that spare suit I could theoretically change into on a break if needed.

      most of this stuff was just to make me feel better, but it all helped. it should be too much different from the arbitration other than the rules obviously

    • Anonymous

      When at sidebar and the judge interrupts you, don’t do as one opposing counsel in a case I was at recently did and tell the judge “don’t interrupt me.”

  15. Diana Barry

    Question re: holiday gifts for assistants.

    My assistant is AWESOME and I really like her personally as well as professionally – she is by far the best assistant I have ever had. She works for 5 people including me; I am the only woman.

    I know that based on past precedent, the other attorneys will not remember to get her a holiday gift until maybe December 23 and will then give cash. I have several gift ideas for her including cash, gift cards to restaurants, wine she likes, gift card to her hair place, etc. My instinct is NOT to offer to buy a collective gift and just get her a gift from me. WWYD?

    • cbackson

      Just get her a gift from you. It will mean more and you won’t be stuck as the collective gift-buyer in the future.

    • Anonymous

      I would also give cash. Our firm did away with holiday bonuses (formerly 500-1K or so). I feel like my cash gift replicates that and doesn’t get personal (or the stuff women get and hate that my mother used to get — lotion? candles? yech.). Plus, I always have an assistant with kids in college, so I know she’d probably rather have cash (and we could go out to a nice lunch). But I give my own card, not part of a collective gift.

    • Anonymous

      I would give her cash and if you really want to give something extra, a bottle of wine in addition to the cash. It’s nice to get gifts, but it’s kind of weird to get personalized gifts from work, even if you really like your coworkers.

    • Anonymous

      I would buy her a gift from me, and including a sincere handwritten thank you note! I’m sure she’ll appreciate the thoughtfulness of a note + personalized gift, and it doesn’t hurt that she miiiight prioritize your tasks above the ones she has to do for others in the future :)

    • Senior Attorney

      I would do a bottle of wine or something else fun and consumable, and a good amount of cash. In fact, that is what I am doing for my awesome assistant. I used to take my staff out for a fancy expensive lunch, and this year I decided (for a variety of reasons including that my staff members are not super crazy about each other) that they would appreciate the cash in hand more than the cash spent on a fancy lunch.

      And definitely just say no to being the collective gift-buyer.

      • Diana Barry

        Thanks, all! I already bought her some wine so I will add some cash in addition and a nice card.

  16. Quebec

    I’m thinking of going to Quebec City the week after Christmas. Are most things open? This will actually be something like my 5th or 6th trip, but I’ve always gone in the summer. Are there any winter-only things I should try to do? I’d love to go to a sugar shack, but not sure if my total lack of French skills is going to be a problem?

    • QC

      We went last year at this time of year. It was gorgeous–and COLD. Since it’s a resort/tourist spot (or at least the old part is), everything was open. We enjoyed the Christmas Market down by the water and there’s a huge slide set up by the Frontenac. New Year’s Eve was fun–big outdoor festival.

    • Senior Attorney

      And if you can, stay at the Fairmont Chateau Frontenac. SO AWESOME! And tell the bartender, Guillaume, that his Facebook friend from California says “hi!”

    • rinks

      Most places will be closed on the 28th for the Boxing Day holiday, and the 1st for New Year, but other than that you should be totally fine. I would lean on Trip Advisor for a specific sugar shack recommendation, but I am certain a lack of French won’t be an issue! Have a great time!

        • Celia

          which is a Saturday. Makes sense to have the following Monday as the “observed” holiday.

          • Anonymous

            Canadian here, correct, Monday December 28 is in lieu of Boxing Day, because it falls on a weekend.

  17. Betsy

    Are there any resources out there that might help me turn a staff member around when basically everything is going wrong with her? She has no sense of professional norms, doesn’t retain information well, isn’t very smart, develops overly personal attachments to other staff members, brings her personal drama into the office, and I could go on. She is young and comes from a background of poverty, and I have sympathy for that. Also, her job is pretty terrible – it’s a part-time position without benefits that pays poorly. My options if I were to try to replace her might not be any better. Correcting every problem with her would be a full time job that would probably be incredibly demoralizing. I’ve had interns in the past who have needed a lot of that sort of general correction, so it’s not like I’ve never worked with young people who need guidance on career norms, but this is so much more. I feel like trying to get her to the point of just performing at the bare minimum is hopeless, but I need to try. Anecdotes, books, website recommendations, etc would be so appreciated!

    • Anon

      It may be helpful to figure out the few most important items and focus on those and ignore the rest. For example, behaving professionally in front of clients and meeting deadlines may make the list, but interactions with other employees (assuming they don’t expose the company to liability) or talking about personal things at work can get a pass. Consistently address/correct her on the important items and don’t worry about the other things.

      • Idea

        If you decide to stick with her, maybe start with “coachability” or “taking feedback/constructive criticism” first, to see if she’ll let you Henry Higgins her.

  18. Costa Rica?

    Any advice about traveling within Costa Rica? We are there during the last two weeks of this year and are going to be in a few places: San Jose to La Fortuna to Monteverde to Manuel Antonio back to San Jose. We’re having trouble finding an available rental car this late in the game. Any suggestions about the best way to get around or other places to hit up?

    Also, did you have any reservations about drinking water/eating there?

    Thanks. So behind on planning and grateful for any tips.

    • Costa Rica!

      Love CR! Went there last year on very short notice. Booked the rental car directly through Hertz, as supposedly no cars were available through various travel agents anymore. For the route you are planning, a 4WD is nice, but not 100% necessary. If you exend your trip further south or towords the Carribean side of the country, get a 4WD. Beware that not all cars are automatic, so you might want to specify this when booking the car.

      Driving in CR is rather relaxed compared to other countries in the region. If you cannot/ do not want to drive, the bus system is pretty sophisticated (although I would really, really recommend a car).

      Zero reservations on drinking water in the hotels. Most hotels that cater to foreign tourists have their own water refinery plant. Just ask at check-in. Also, in case you rent with Hertz in San Jose, there is a Walmart 2 minutes away from the rental car station, so you can easily stock up on botteld water there.

      Same about food in the hotels (although I must say CR is not known as a country of culinary highlights).

      It´s a very small country, and the national parks are also quite small. We did a tour similar to yours in 1 week, and then stayed in 2 beach hotels for another week. If you are not into beaching, you can easily add some more locations to your trip.

      Manual San Antonio is absolutely breathtaking, but really small. It is closed 1 day per week (Monday???), and has a visitors quota on the other days. It is also the only place where we encountered a kind of rip-off behaviour (Not too bad overall, as we paid a few dollars only.) There is no official parking for the park, and as soon as you park on the street, you are approached by by people posing as “official” parking guards asking you to pay a parking fee.

      This is the only negative experience we ever had in CR. So enjoy the trip and just have some change ready!

    • Anonymous

      Loved CR. We drank only bottled water, but ate everything in sight with no problems. We didn’t rent a car and took taxis or relied on our hotels to make transportation arrangements for us. There were taxis everywhere. It wasn’t the cheapest option, but it worked well.

    • Sheepie

      The water in Costa Rica is pretty safe everywhere. I went with a group of 8 and we bought bottled water the first couple days and gradually mixed in more tap water each day so that we were only drinking tap water at the end. None of us had any problems. We didn’t stay at fancy resorts so it was regular municipal water.

    • AnonLondon

      We found a car basically mandatory when I went with the Ex, but they’re REALLY hard to find around that time of year. Keep looking and try calling directly?
      Monteverde is great and had some of the nicest restaurants we went to. A guide was definitely worth it in the Cloud Forest.
      Other things I liked: sloth sanctuary, old churches, surf lessons, lots of beans and rice for breakfasts, chilling out on the beach and eating ceviche and drinking fruity things. HOT SPRINGS. They were great. We stayed at Tabacon and it was awesome.

    • Cahuita!

      It’s all the way on the Caribbean side, so about 4 hours by bus from San Jose, but Cahuita is my favorite place I’ve ever been. Teeny little beach town, good food, gorgeous national park with an incredible beach. We stayed at a $30 per night hotel that had tons of hammocks you could lie in while listening to the waves crash.

  19. Alice the Pointy Haired

    I have a 10 hour flight tomorrow and have been having a rough time lately. I need a 100% happy, fluff book to read on the flight – any recommendations?

    • Anon Worker Bee

      I have Mindy Kaling’s “Why Not Me” set aside for a flight next week and I am really looking forward to it. Her other book ( “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me”) was hilarious. The first one was a little short though and I’m not sure it would last for an entire 10 hour flight.

      • AnonInfinity

        YES. This one is great!

        I’m also reading “Modern Romance” by Aziz Ansari and am really enjoying it. I am married, so I thought I wasn’t super interested in the topic but I got it because I love him. It’s been quite interesting and funny. Highly recommend, no matter your relationship status.

    • Alice the Pointy Haired

      I loved Where’d you go, Bernadette! I was thinking of rereading it as well.

      Thank you for the other suggestions! I will look into Monique McDonnell, The Royal We, and Mindy Kaling!

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      Secret History of the Pink Carnation by Lauren Willig
      Anything by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
      Just about anything by Lianne Moriarty
      Cooking for Mr. Latte
      Their Hearts Were Young and Gay
      Delancey by Molly Wizenberg

    • CountC

      Where’d You Go Bernadette
      Let’s Pretend This Never Happened – Jenny Lawson (I have never read her blog, only the book FWIW)

  20. NYCLA Dinner

    Have any of you NY-based ladies been to the NYCLA annual dinner before? It’s next week and dress code says black tie but it’s Monday after work and doesn’t look like anyone actually wears long gowns. I’m thinking this is NYC black tie which basically means c*cktail but since this is a work event I’m wondering how c*cktail it will even be. Many of the men are basically just in suits, judging from pictures. Can I wear a black suit that’s in a St. John’s type stretchy fabric, buttons on jacket all way up the chest, with nice jewelry and heels? Should i do a dress? Help!

    • bailey270

      I went several years ago (2012 maybe? The honoree was the attorney working on the Edith Windsor LGBT case). I was a last minute inclusion to fill a table, so I went in a suit, but I’d say that more women were in cocktail attire than suits (maybe 70/30 % wise). Also, I was a junior/mid-level associate, and I felt that more senior women were the ones who were wearing suits. I wasn’t underdressed by any means (and my suit was not nearly as nice as St. John’s, nor did I have any jewelry with me), but I did think that if I went again I’d probably break out a black cocktail dress.

  21. Kasper

    Kasper has very inconsistent sizing. I ordered four dresses from them a couple of years ago. Three were too short (admittedly, I’m very tall) but one was the perfect length. The one I kept has held up beautifully and is probably my favorite work dress. I would buy this in a heartbeat, but unfortunately it looks too short for me, based on how it falls on the model.

    • Kasper

      And I also have a Kasper jacket I love that has held up really well. So I think the quality is good for the price, if you can deal with the inconsistent sizing.

  22. Bearded S.O.

    For those with bearded men in their lives, what are the best beard products to make less scratchy? I’m thinking of getting my Gentleman Friend something like that for Christmas. Thanks!

  23. nyc

    Hey everyone,

    Quick trip to NYC next week and wanted to buy some jewelry – real metals, nice and unique pieces. Not catbird or something I can just browse online or buy in my local stores. Any great recommendations for some local jewelers?

    Also stumped on shopping – I have a Uniqlo, Barneys, Scoop, etc. and all those other stores in my city already and am looking for a store that is different from stopping by my local one.

      • nyc

        I wanted to buy a special, unique piece of jewelry and love clothes, shoe, handbag shopping but don’t want to splurge on something I could have bought at the local mall, if that makes sense.

    • Senior Attorney

      Comptoir Des Cotonniers. They have several locations in Manhattan and I love their clothing and accessories.

    • NYC tech

      Oh and how could I forget… Fishs Eddy! I mean, they do have a website, but the store is really the experience.

  24. Attire appropriate?

    I’m going as a date to a holiday party on Friday that is cocktail attire at a very fancy hotel for a hospital (where date works). Is a low back/no back dress OK to wear? It has 3/4 lace sleeves and is conservative in length and in the front, but the back is a bit risque. Thoughts?

  25. How weird is this?

    So lately whenever I go out with friends (new friends, old friends) I find myself hours later replaying conversations in my head and beating myself up about things I said, repeatedly. It seems like every.single.time I put my foot in my mouth and then beat myself up about it. I tried a quick Google and came up with posts on PTSD and social anxiety, which both seem more extreme than, uh, me. Anyone else do this (or used to do it)? How did you make it better? TIA!

    • TXLawyer

      I’ve found two ways of dealing with this… 1. Talk less. I know that sounds crazy, but I had/have a tendency to dominate group conversations and then beat myself for saying something dumb. So I make a real effort to let someone else in the group take the lead conversationally, just listen to what others have to say and get comfortable with the lulls in conversation. I still chime in where relevant, but I’m much more thoughtful about what I’m saying. and 2. I give myself credit/love for at least being self-aware. So even though I will analyze the conversation and be frustrated about things I said, I let myself appreciate that I’m conscious and sensitive to these things and that is a valuable and desirable character trait.

      • Lavender

        +1 on talking less and self-compassion for trying.

        OP, I suffer from the same problem (more in work situations as my office is very social). Somehow talking less works. Agree with TXLawyer that it helps give me time to think before I speak. I tend to speak quickly and often which at least for me is how I put my foot in my mouth. Also, I know rumination is such an easy trap to fall into so try to be as self-aware as possible and actively try to think of other things. I know easier said than done, but somehow being aware that I should *try* not think like this because it’s not productive helps me stay a bit more on track.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yes, I do/did this. My former husband always told me I was too sparkly (not in those words) and it kind of scarred me for life.

      I agree that trying to talk less is good. Often when I’m nervous I get over-excited and take up too much conversational space. So I try to take breaths and be a good listener and stay calm. And when I fail and get over-excited, I try to take deep breaths and stay calm after the fact when my tendency is to ruminate.

      • Snickety

        Sparkle on, Senior Attorney. I’m an introvert and always worry that I spend too little time circulating and too much time with my spouse or a good friend at social events. I cherish the social butterflies who make an effort to draw me into a conversation and introduce me to other people.

      • Another anonymous judge

        Too sparkly? My ruling is there is no such thing! Senior Attorney you are a wise and delightful person. Should I ever grow up I would like to be the same.

        OP – it’s not just you! But my better-at-giving-advice-than-taking-it self is here to tell you that “you” have nothing to worry about. Everybody at these function is grateful to have somebody engaging with them. I’d bet ANY money that you are delightful and that everyone you are worrying and fretting about agrees. It is sweet that you are worrying about “putting your foot in it” but I expect that actually means you are compassionate and concerned about the people you are interacting with. A characteristic far too rare in today’s world. Try to enjoy your times out with friends old and new, and know that you will have a fabulous life filled with both. Idea at 2:50 is right on – “drop it like it’s hot” (is there a way I can work that into a judgment?)

    • Me too!

      I don’t know if anyone is still reading this but me too, glad I’m not the only one. I have conversations in my head from years ago! I agree that I try to talk less and also try and let things go by reminding myself that the people I was talking to (particularly at networking events or holiday parties when there is tons of small talk going on) have likely forgotten the whole conversation by the next day.

    • Idea

      It’s called “ruminating”.
      Social anxiety is not at all unusual.
      It’s ok to be a bit abnormal – even normal people are.
      Improve your self-talk – yeah, I did say that! That was weird Just like the time Sally said X.
      I guess I’ll learn and do better next time!
      Drop it like it’s hot.
      Because you’re AWESOME.

    • Anonymama

      I sometimes do this too. I find it helps if instead of dwelling on the negative thing, I follow it up by trying to think of a good interaction I had with that person/group. So if you think “oh crap, I shouldn’t have said that stupid thing,” try to follow it up with “oh well, I also said x clever joke and people chuckled,” or even “so-and-so seemed genuinely glad to see me and wanted to hang out again.”

  26. Dulcinea

    My office does Secrete Santa and the tradition is to get a joke gift that, ideally, gently makes fun of the recipient or is otherwise funny BECAUSE you are giving it to them. (I knoooow). Budget is $20 or less. I am not too close to the person whose name I pulled. So, ideas on jokey gifts specifically for divorce lawyers?

  27. gift ideas- workplace

    may end up reposting on the afternoon thread but need some gift ideas for my team:

    Budget: $30-50 (including shipping)
    Parameters: needs to be sent to employees that work all over the country. Mix of ages and family arrangements, so yummy gift baskets will work well for some, wine for others, so everything is on the table. ONE individual has some dietary restrictions so i’d like some non-food options as well. I’m fine sending different things to different people.

    I got a couple of nice gifts over the years from bosses and am looking for other ideas. Just got a $250 gift basket from my boss that will cause my entire family to gain 40lbs.

    • Anon in NYC

      Mouth DOT com might have some good options – they have a mix of food and alcohol, and you can select from individual items to themed baskets. They have fun things like sea salt, candied oranges, unusual chocolate combos (chocolate salami, salt and pepper chocolate bar), jams, jelly, and other spreads… and on and on.

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions