Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Kiledia Printed Blouse
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This printed silk-blend top from Isabel Marant is making me smile just looking at it. The confetti print adds a touch of whimsy, and the gorgeous coral color looks perfectly spring-y.
I would pair this with some wide-leg trousers for the office, but it would also look fantastic with denim for the weekend.
The top is $770 at Net-a-Porter and comes in French sizes 34-44 (U.S. sizes 2-12). It also comes in black.
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Has anyone else experienced a hybrid car where it’s as if you are braking if you aren’t accelerating (ie there is no coasting)? This is in a gas plug in electric rental and I was hoping for a gas-retentive braking hybrid as my next car. It is a really disconcerting experience so far and not expected.
I have a Prius (I have owned a series of them over the years) but not a plug-in model. Hybrid batteries are very heavy so the vehicle does not coast for long distances like an internal combustion vehicle of the same size, unless it is on a big downhill section of road. It does, however, get amazing gas mileage. My vehicle lifetime is 53 mpg over 130k miles, and this morning’s commute was ~64 mpg over 27 miles.
In my experience, it took some time to adjust old driving habits and to learn the difference between acceleration that triggers the ICE and EV-only acceleration that keeps the vehicle speed steady.
Thanks. I’m in an area with no plugs so it isn’t helpful at all in saving the planet or even my wallet. All gas, all the time. Also: huge SUV. On something like a CRV, probably very different.
If you don’t have plugs available, look at non-plug-in options. My commute is too long to make a plug-in hybrid worthwhile but the non-plug-in has been amazing. I went from a large SUV that averaged 15 mpg on a good day, to the Prius that more than triples that efficiency. My gas savings alone covered the car payment.
My Prius still crawls forward if you are not applying the brakes or gas. It is not like an electric car where letting up on the gas = braking.
I have an electric car and braking was the biggest learning curve. The first few weeks I would come to a stop way before I meant to. Now I am used to it.
+1. I think that is mostly just the way that electric cars drive.
My parents got an electric car – and yes, you don’t coast like you would in a gas, because it’s doing some energy capture with the braking. I think the abruptness of the braking was adjustable?
My mom occasionally has me drive that car and it takes some getting used to.
I have an electric and in my car, it’s called “regenerative braking” and you can change it so it doesn’t do that or doesn’t do it in such an extreme way. It does that to save battery power because even coasting takes some energy, but I never got used to the halting stops and would prefer for the car to keep rolling when I take my foot off the pedal.
I drive an old car, but I assumed that all electric cars are new enough to have actual cruise control, i.e. a setting to activate that lets you take your foot off the gas. I know it would still require changing your driving habits though.
Yes – can confirm cruise control still exists for EVs!
Yup. As a passenger of the model 3 Tesla (from 2020) I got the worst motion sickness from it.
As soon as you take your foot off the accelerator it’s like the brakes are being applied.
Previously driving a model S, I never had an issue.
+1 The motion sickness I get from Teslas is the worst I’ve ever experienced.
You can change this in the settings. Some people prefer “one-pedal driving.” I couldn’t get used to it so I changed it. The setting is called “regenerative braking.”
What car are you in? We’re hoping to test drive a PEHB from Hyundai.
Jeep Grand Cherokee. Would likely be wildly seasick if I weren’t driving it. Accelleration is faster and you lose speed almost like heavy breaking if you really wanted to coast.
I have a hybrid Accord and absolutely love how it drives. Really smooth acceleration and braking. Very responsive. I prefer it to driving our gas vehicle.
I test drove a hybrid CRV with no drama like this. It seems really varied by car and type of fueling.
Also a hybrid Accord owner, and I owned a hybrid Ford Fusion before this — never had this experience, OP.
I have a plug in hybrid BMW x5, 2022 I think, and it does this. I hated it at first but it’s taken some getting used to and we’re good now, but I seriously refused to drive it for a long time because it was so hard. But, I barely notice it now.
My mom used to have a Toyota Avalon hybrid and now has a traditional gas-powered Avalon. I drive her cars a fair amount, and I haven’t noticed any significant difference in how they feel to drive.
This is really interesting – had no idea these cars did this. Does anyone have recs for a plug-in hybrid where this effect isn’t as severe? I’m prone to motion sickness and would want to keep this in mind for our car shopping.
This is really interesting – had no idea these cars did this. Does anyone have recs for a plug-in hybrid where this effect isn’t as severe? I’m prone to motion sickness and would want to keep this in mind for our car shopping.
My Audi Q4 has the same two modes. I love B and actually get really surprised if I accidentally flip it into D bc it feels like the car jets forward when it should be stopping!
We have a Kia EV9 and there is a setting to make it drive like an gas car. This was one of the reasons we got it vs. some other electric options.
I had an EV rental recently on a work trip that did this and it was disconcerting, to say the least. I think some models have a way to turn it off.
My husband’s Tesla Model Y is like this. It’s a learning curve for sure.
Apple watch band recommendations for a person (me) with skinny wrists? I’ve found nothing as secure as the rubber/sport bands (so far), and those aren’t cutting it for work. I’d prefer something a bit more snug/secure, and even leather bands where I punch extra holes in them haven’t worked yet.
I think if you get something with links you can have the extra links removed same as for any dress watch.
Yep — I’ve bought a few and the ones I have have a limit to the number of links you can remove. Still too big!
With tiny wrists it’s hard to get the right fit with a link bracelet on an Apple Watch. The links are large increments and the clasp is long so it makes it difficult to get the bracelet tight enough that it doesn’t slide over your wristbone onto your hand.
I LOVE my Apple watch band from Machete. If you buy it directly from their website it comes with the tool to remove links so it’s the correct size for your wrist. I get compliments on it all the time.
I have the blonde tortoise from Machete and I love mine too. I don’t like it as well for working out but for day to day, I’m a fan.
Have you tried the Apple magnetic leather link band? I have skinny wrists and I love that band. It is very adjustable on the fly and fits by overlapping, no holes or clasps to deal with.
Interesting — I have this and I find the magnet loosens over the course of the day. May be time to revisit!
How are the magnets loosening? I have had mine for several years now and am unsure how that would happen. Mine is basically two overlapping strips of leather-encased strong magnets. They nest together across about 2″ on my skinny wrist and don’t really move throughout the day unless I manually adjust them. Once in a great while the band will catch on something and open up a bit, but it generally does not slide around.
I love mine from Copper Robin. 6″ wrists.
A cousin is running the Boulder, CO half Ironman next month. She has asked (guilted) the extended family into attending and cheering her on. We all feel that we must attend- but none of us are very excited for what sounds like a very long day and weekend. (None of us live in CO, so we will have to take PTO to make the travel work.) Any ideas for how to make spectating enjoyable? Our group includes kids from age 3-12 and several adults in their 70s. We are not sure whether to leave the kids at the hotel and take turns watching them? If there is shade for spectators? I see there’s something called a “VIP access pass,” not sure if that is helpful or not. Can we rent chairs, or plan to buy blankets at Walmart? Any ideas or suggestions appreciated!
Are you close to this cousin?
It sounds like you wouldn’t be very supportive if you were there, which will just put a damper on her achievement. Cite that you can’t manage to take time off from work and don’t go. You’re allowed to say no.
This.
Sure you’re allowed to say no. But she didn’t! She said yes and it’s rude to say yes and then change your mind because you just don’t feel like it.
It’s also just being kind of a downer in life to say no to something that most people find very fun just because you think it doesn’t sound that fun. Sometimes showing up for people requires being open minded.
It is not a normal expectation to “show up” for anyone’s road race unless the runner is your spouse or your minor child. Traveling for a cousin’s marathon is ridiculous. Most people have limited PTO, funds, and energy for travel and can’t afford to spend it on events like this. Perhaps OP would like to take her own actual vacation.
My husband does full and half Ironman races, and has done this specific race. It’s pretty boring for a spectator because you only really see them during transitions or very briefly if you have a car and can find another viewing spot that’s about 10-20 miles away. I offer a lot of prep and post-race help for him and like to cheer him on when I see him, but there is a lot of downtime, even for a half.
The athlete tracker can be way off too so you may miss your athlete when you get to your viewing spot, even half an hour early.
I wouldn’t find that fun. But I wouldn’t have said yes in the first place. Sure I will show up to a celebration after the race is over, but I would not spend a day of PTO standing somewhere along a 20+ km race path in the baking sun waiting for the two seconds my friend might run by.
If I were the participant I would be embarrassed to ask any friends or family to do that.
Are you embarrassed to ask family and friends to spend hundreds of dollars and PTO to come to your wedding when they may only see the bride and groom for 2 seconds?
Wedding guests might only talk with the bride and groom for 2 seconds, but the watch the entire event. It’s more like showing up to someone’s basketball game or concert than showing up to their road race.
Signed,
Marathoner who knows it’s boring AF to watch
A wedding is not the same thing as a triathlon. And no one is obligated to attend a wedding.
A wedding is not the same thing as a triathlon, but as a long time single triathlete I’d be crushed if I spent the time, money, and emotional effort showing up for my friends’ and cousins’ weddings and they couldn’t do the same for me, even if my event isn’t a wedding.
Maybe if I had a very close cousin with whom I have frequent contact and considered them a close friend would I travel for this type of occasion.
For one of my several dozen cousins whose names I have to mentally recite in birth order until I land on the correct one? I might stop by if the event were in my city, but no way on earth would I burn PTO and drag kids around with me for this. I also don’t attend the weddings, showers, or milestone birthdays for my cousins because we just don’t have that type of relationship. Not everyone is tight knit with their extended families and that is okay.
+1, it sounds you don’t want to go and have already primed yourself to not enjoy the trip at all, so probably best to bow out.
Yeah if you’re so disdainful of going, I would skip it. Don’t damper your cousin’s experience if you don’t want to be there.
That being said, could you reframe it to be a positive experience? Here are some ways to do so: Boulder is a beautiful area and you get to spend your day out in beautiful nature; its kind and exciting to show up for loved ones’ big accomplishments; since your family is all traveling in for this its a great excuse for a mini family reunion or vacation; Boulder / Denver are cool areas to visit (and since they’re so close you can visit both on one trip!); if you haven’t been to the area before, you get to experience a new place; big race environments are AWESOME – everyone is friendly and the vibes are upbeat and happy and inspiring; maybe this will spur an interest in swimming, biking, running, or other sports in the kids; it’s inspiring to see athletes complete a really impressive athletic feat that they’ve trained so hard for (that always gets to me!); your cousin has probably shown up for you before so now you get to repay the favor / its nice that even as adults you’re close enough with your cousin that she asked you to come (so many adults, myself included, barely have a relationship with their cousins).
Ironman races are long (both time wise and in distance covered); you’ll likely have time to chill (at the hotel or a coffee shop or wherever) in between seeing your cousin – you don’t have to wait outside in the sun for hours on end. Additionally, because the races cover a lot of distance, if you’re trying to watch a good deal of the race you’ll be watching from different areas. I’m not familiar with the course, but knowing how beautiful Boulder is, I’m sure some of the viewing will be in absolutely gorgeous areas.
Playing devil’s advocate here – I think its important to show up for people’s big accomplishments regardless of what they are. Admittedly this is a leap as I obviously don’t know your cousin’s relationship or personal life status, but in the case she’s single and has shown up for family members’ weddings + baby related events, I think it’s kind to “repay” the favor, even if her big accomplishments aren’t necessarily “traditional” like a wedding.
This was my immediate thought.
Because OP, your enthusiasm about attending this event (which sounds kinda fun to me in a beautiful place at a beautiful time of year) is about the same as my enthusiasm for attending all of the dozens of weddings I have flown to.
+1 I love my friends and family and will attend weddings all over the country for them, but I also privately grumble about the cost and PTO! It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go. This is very normal.
I get especially cranky about spending $$ (on my single income) to buy friends nicer home goods than I’ll ever have, even though they’re the ones with two incomes now! Of course I don’t say anything and smile and happily attend, but it does smart sometimes!
Oh heavens yes. This. Single and childless here. The baby showers attended that I wanted to go to = zero. The baby showers I have attended with a lovely present and a donned for the occasion sociable attitude = dozens. Sometimes you just need to do the thing not for yourself but for your family and friends, and this is especially true if it is someone who has not celebrated life’s more traditional milestones.
Yeah, you could definitely say no, but it sounds like your cousin wants family there to celebrate her. If this is someone who has been there to celebrate you in any way (marriage, kids, graduation, whatever) then I would try to reciprocate. Obviously I don’t know your relationship, so if it’s not a good one, then feel free to just say no.
I also think you don’t have to be there for the whole day. I went to see my friend’s Ironman and she gave us some approximate times. I would be there for departure and try to be there for the finish line. I really enjoyed cheering for the swim, which was relatively short. But especially with kids I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to be there for the whole thing. Maybe try to rotate with other family members so someone is there for departure, finish line, etc. Since it’s three distinct events you can probably split into three groups.
Counterpoint: when people get married, they plan out the weekend for out of town guests. Those people aren’t left to fend for themselves.
Heavens, I planned out two days straight for the family who came in for my law school graduation: BBQ in a park the night before, law school provided post graduation lunch, down time for everyone to walk around town, then dinner. Of course, everyone had a seat at graduation (my school didn’t limit it).
Leaving people to fend for themselves – buying blankets at Wal-Mart, not telling them where the cheer, not scoping out spots – is bad form. And shes in the best position to coordinate: talk to her IronMan buddies about spectator spots, place the curbside pickup order for chairs, make dinner reservations.
And when people get married there are two people planning that weekend. Not all weddings plan an entire weekend of events, ditto graduations. It’s still very normal for a wedding to just consist of a ceremony and reception, and 10+ years ago that was the only event planned.
And? Wedding guests still don’t buy their own chairs!!
THIS. I mean even if she’s a married, home-owning mother with a graduate degree you should still show up because this is still a huge accomplishment.
However, if she hasn’t been able to celebrate the other milestones that we typically celebrate people for (marriage, children, home ownership, graduations) you really, really should show up and support her.
I’m admittedly biased as a long-time singleton who is a triathlete :) but, it already sucks not having the things you want in life, it sucks more having to celebrate loved ones having those things when you don’t and don’t know if you ever will, and it especially sucks when no one celebrates your big things because they’re not the marriage / children / whatever path.
Bring snacks, a blanket, and wear a hat and sunnies. And stop being grouchy! Cheering on a race is fun and you are all adults who said yes so show up and make it fun.
Check the race website. They usually tell you where are good locations for spectating. Look at the race course map. You don’t need to be chasing the race all over the city but there is usually an easy way to cheer at one place, then walk five blocks, and see the runners again when they loop back around. Your cousin should tell you what pace they are planning, so you know when to expect them. Big races have a tracker.
It’s really fun to cheer at a race. The bigger your group the better. Find a shady spot (often races are early enough that one side of the street is still in the shade) and take the kids. Bring noise makers!! Cowbells are a classic. I once used a kazoo, and beat a spoon on a pot another time. The key to cheer loudly and consistently is not to shout the whole time.
It’s an act of kindness to cheer on a bunch of strangers. It gives them an energy boost and you can see how grateful they are. The kids can high five the runners that come by.
+1 to all of this. The kids can make signs, play with the cowbells, play games like “how many older runners can you count,” “how many green shoes can you count,” and more. There will likely be food trucks or ice cream carts and things like that around. For the adults, it is honestly SO inspiring to see cancer survivors, older runners, mother-daughter teams, and all kinds of other groups out there.
As someone who has both run and spectated, thank you for making the effort to travel and cheer her on. Having spectators and loved ones there gives such a boost to the participant, and it’s really such a nice experience on both sides, since people are usually in good spirits.
I’ve never done a VIP pass and they look…way overpriced, but I assume it would make it very comfortable for everyone, and if you can afford it, go ahead. Certainly having access to chargers and bathrooms would be a nice perk, but I’m not sure I’d pay that much for it. The downside is, I assume that you’ll be in one location, so you may end up seeing your cousin fewer times on the course.
I highly recommend a funny sign. It’s a good way to cheer on runners, and can help your cousin find you in a crowd. I recommend stiff posterboard and stick on letters – floppy, handwritten signs are hard to read at speed. Reddit is a good source for suggestions. I did one on a marathon at mile 24 saying “The end is near, repent thy shins” and people loved it. I’ve also gotten shout outs when I’ve put family members names on there from runners who are excited to see their own (uncommon) name.
The race will usually have points with music – I’d suggest trying to staying too close to those, since it can get annoying after a while (and hard to chat with your family). I also avoid water locations, since people will start changing their pace and veering closer to the edges to get drinks and you don’t want to be in the middle of that. Check the race guide for spectator info and suggestions.
You may be able to rent chairs, but also try a box store for cheap folding or plastic chairs. There may be park benches too, if you need a break. I sometimes just sit on the curb. Get noise makers for the kids, something low effort with big noise.
Track your cousin. Most races will send you a note when your participant reaches certain distance markers, so you can get an idea if they’re coming up soon, and you can take breaks in between. Your cousin should also be able to give you estimates on her pace and timing. Get an idea of what she’ll be wearing and which side of the course she’ll be on, i.e, right or left, in the direction of travel. Let her know where you expect to be. Figure out how if she’ll be in contact during the race or not (and if not, pick a meet up point if you’re finding her after the race).
Sometime people will hand out cut up fruit and things (half a banana, orange slices, keep the peel on), or have a cooler with the kids handing out waters or gel packets or stuff, and kids like handing those out but if you can’t bring all that, no worries. Kids like getting acknowledgement, so you can make a sign asking for high fives or power ups or similar.
If you’re not in a VIP place, try to find a place with decent available public bathrooms nearby, especially if you’ll be traveling with kids and hanging out at the same place for awhile.
I have run in triathlons too and live in Denver, and I so agree with this post! First, a half Ironman is a really hard, long race and your cousin has put in a TON of training and work. The races themselves are very mentally tough and it means to world to the athletes to have support and friendly faces. Fun signs, cow bells, happy kids helping, are such good ideas! You’ll see incredible athletes at the front and incredible displays of strength (like another post said – cancer survivors, wheelchair athletes, etc). In terms of logistics I would bring a shade structure – it will be long – and comfy sideline chairs and cooler with drinks and lots of snacks. Lots of stuff to do as well for kids. Lots of sunscreen/hats/chap stick/layers and rain gear just in case. You can get sunburned quickly because of the altitude! If it’s out at the Boulder Reservoir there’s a beach for the kids to play in and a playground, and a really nice changing room. And Boulder is spectacular and is a great place to visit. She will so appreciate it and knows the time and money you’re sacrificing – it’s super kind of you and I hope you have a blast!!
It sounds like you don’t like her very much. Everyone I have ever known has loved spectating at those events. They’re a huge deal! There’s so much to see! Waiting to catch your relative and then cheering wildly is insanely fun! Fix your attitude instead of trying to get out of it.
You can like the person very much without being thrilled about the event they are asking you to attend. Honestly, watching an Ironman doesn’t sound very fun to me, either. Sounds like OP’s going to go whether it’s her jam or not.
That’s a bad take. I would hate having to spend a day in a crowd like that, and it would have nothing to do with my relationship with the relative. I also don’t view this remotely the same as a wedding or funeral or even graduation (more like attending a housewarming).
I would try to put it through a lens of getting to spend time with my family and show support to make the best of it, or I simply would not go if the PTO is too hard to swing. You’re not even spending bulk of that time with the individual.
Huh?
There’s no huh here. You make the best of it (I get to spend the day with other family members and make the cousin feel supported) or skip it guilt free because you don’t have the PTO on an event not all that life changing in the grande scheme.
Yes, it’s a long day – but fun and inspiring to watch! My husband has done half Ironmans, so I have experience as a spectator. You should scope out the race map and ask your cousin approximately what time she thinks she’ll be in different spots, this way you can move around the course to see her during the swim, bike and run portions. If your whole extended family is there use it as excuse to hang out, have lunch – treat it as a giant outdoor picnic day! If you have two parents there have the kids show up around the times you expect to spot your cousin and in between you should plan other activities (playground, grab lunch, go back to hotel if feasible). Get the kids involved by making banners/signs, etc.
All of this. It will be an insanely fun day if you don’t let a negative outlook color it.
Yes, the kids will definitely have fun and shouldn’t be left in a hotel room all day!
Yes, the kids will definitely have fun and shouldn’t be left in a hotel room all day!
An invitation is not a summons. Bow out.
What about some of you meeting her at the starting line and then designating a meeting spot at the end for everyone to meet or a place close by? That way those of you meeting at the end can just plan to head there close to the finish time. Just an idea because it doesn’t sound fun to be out there the whole time with kids.
Have you ever spectated a major race before? The environment is SO FUN – everyone is friendly and in a good mood and its so inspiring to see the athletes compete – just think of how hard they’ve worked to get to this day.
It’s that fun even when you don’t have family racing – it’s 10x more fun when you do. I once took a day off work to spectate my friend in the Boston Marathon and it was a) super fun and b) so, SO appreciated.
I would figure out a way to make it fun. I would split the adults into groups and be at certain locations so she can see people cheering for her. You all don’t have to stay out the entire time. You can always go back to the hotel room or find a fun bar/restaurant. If the kids are in the hotel room you can have their activity be making a sign for her to hold up at the end. I’d plan to all be there at the finish line with fun signs etc. Also, you can always bring a mug of coffee or hotel chocolate with some booze in it.
As an amateur triathlete (I’d love to do a half ironman one day, but that feels insurmountable right now!) if I was completing a major accomplishment like this I’d love to have my loved ones with me to celebrate. The amount of time and effort she’s put into training for this is unreal – its a huge accomplishment!
OP, if you do go, I beg you to not let your lack of enthusiasm show on your face. When your cousin says to you “I’m so glad you guys are here, it really makes my day”, the worst thing you could do is put on a forced smile and say “yeah it’s going to be a long day but we know it’s important to you, so.” Don’t be that person.
Oh this is really well said. +1 billion.
Boulder is awesome; this sounds like a ton of fun, and I’d love to get invited to this. Super kid friendly city, and lots of great places for people to sit/spectate, even if they are older and don’t want to run around a ton.
Will save my suggestions, though because this line got me down….”We all feel that we must attend- but none of us are very excited for what sounds like a very long day and weekend.” Careful you aren’t projecting your feelings on others, or stirring up discontent/resentment that others may not feel, even if they are nodding along to placate the complainer.
I think some of the commenters are the ones who are projecting. She is going to support her cousin. I’m not sure why everyone is assuming that she’ll be a Debbie Downer once she gets there. She is allowed to not be excited about it. Assuming that she’s a decent person with social skills, I don’t know why people are assuming she won’t put on her happy face once the event starts.
Because a lot of people lack social skills. I had relatives drive 45 minutes out of their way to attend my college graduation and they made it incredibly clear that they didn’t want to be there. Then they had the gall to ask “would you be mad if we left early,” putting the onus on me to not be a “jerk” for “being mad.” Don’t be that person.
Tip: If someone accuses you of projecting, your response shouldn’t be to counter with a past personal experience–especially one you are still rehashing.
I’m not projecting – I’m reading her post, she literally says “none of us are very excited for what sounds like a very long day and weekend.” I also am generally suspicious of a person who purports to speak for a big group.
Because OP is being a Debbie Downer now
You get to spend a day outdoors enjoying Boulder and the scenery – enjoy it!
With the full disclosure I have ever been in or at an Ironman, I would definitely have part of the fun with the kids be making signs of support, including googling some of the past funnier ones for inspiration. Ironman folks, chime in if that’s not a thing they should do.
Yes, have the kids make signs with fun colors and switch off adults watching them in the hotel room. Then all go to the finish line with the signs.
Not to steal your thread, but I’m also interested in what people suggest with young kids when trying to support a friend doing these events. I have a similar situation coming up later this summer. A good family friend really would like to see my whole family (4 year old and baby) cheering them on for their marathon. I think in particular she’s hoping to have people staged throughout the race for also extra snacks & water. So I think we’d be somewhere in the middle. I can’t decide if taking kids with would be too much? Even though I know she’d like to see them. Or if it’s better to hire a babysitter for a couple of hours and leave them at home?
Would other people bring young kids and hope they don’t lose it hanging out by the race for an hour plus?
I’ve seen families with kids out cheering at every race I’ve ever run. Heck, some of our neighbors use it as a fun activity to channel their kids’ love for screaming the day a triathlon goes through our neighborhood.
I’m not sure how far you are from the race course, but it’s pretty easy to only go for ~30 minutes or so and then go back home. She’ll have a rough idea of her pace (and you can track her on Find My Friends – it’s definitely more accurate than race tracking, but be prepared that depending on the race / where you are int he race there may be bad service and FMF may have a lag).
Not knowing the temperament of your kids, I think it’d be a fun activity for them if you don’t go for too long. As said above, races have fun, party-like spectating environments which the 4 year old might like. 4 year old also might have fun making / holding a sign and cheering. If the baby is content to be worn / held and is okay with crowds / noise they’d probably like it too (there’s a lot to see and take in!).
I’d only commit to going to one location on the race course with kids, either let other friends be in other areas or have kids + spouse go home and you can go to another location to cheer.
As for food / water, you can certainly bring things to her but she can also carry gels / fuel / water with her (and there should be plenty of water stations throughout the course).
Make a plan before the race as to where you’ll be cheering for her AND what side fo the street you’ll be on – this is helpful even if you’re just cheering but really necessary if you’re bringing her anything. Be as specific as you can when picking a location – if possible don’t just say I’ll be at mile 5, say I’ll be at the NW corner of 3rd Street + Main Street.
I’ve spectated a bunch of large races and there were always tons of kids there, including babies. I’d give it a shot!
Most kids will find cheering and waving signs at a race fun for 30 minutes or even much longer. I just wouldn’t spend the $$$ and time to drag them across the country to do it.
I brought my son to see a friend compete in a local race when he was about 4. We weren’t at the race site for very long, but my kid was happy to watch the race go by. We pointed out the different people, including some wearing bright colors or funny hats or semi-costumes. We knew our friend’s pace, so we were only there about 45 minutes or an hour. Once she went by, we left to drive her husband up to the finish line.
Although we didn’t choose the cheering location, I was happy that we were set up in front of a park with a playground. At any point, if he’d gotten too impatient watching the race, I could have taken over to the swings for a few minutes. So, if there’s a park anywhere on the course, I’d volunteer to cheer her on from that spot.
Why don’t you reframe it as a family vacation to Boulder where you get to support your cousin while she does something impressive? The Ironman might be why you’re all there but it doesn’t have to be the only focus on the weekend (don’t take the focus off of your cousin, but I’m assuming you’ll be there for more than one day so you can do fun family activities the rest of the time – and yes, watching your cousin is also a fun family activity)
This! It’s an opportunity to have lots of family in one place – think of it as a family reunion in a beautiful place where one family member just happens to be doing a major event. Boulder in June is gorgeous and there is plenty to see and do for all ages. Hike the trails along Boulder Creek or the base of the Flatirons. Go to Pearl Street Mall. And I haven’t been there in a while but it looks like the area around Boulder Reservoir, where the race is held, has a good number of breweries and coffee shops.
Also, spectating a half Ironman doesn’t mean literally sitting or standing out there for seven hours. Give your cousin a hug before the start, identify a few points (transition, along the bike course, along the run route) where you’ll be able to see her, and have the whole family take cheering shifts. Find a playground or two nearby where the kids can hang out. (Bring lots of water, sunscreen, snacks, a portable charger, etc.) Check the spectator guide for transport options. Use the app to track her, and gather everyone at the finish when she comes in.
+1
Exactly.
What a beautiful place and excuse for a family reunion!
You go somewhere along the route and the finish line and cheer on your cousin.
Luckily there’s technology! Set up a tracker on her phone or on her bib so you have some notice of when and where she’ll be so you can go for the 10 min she’ll be passing by, then go off and have brunch, then go to the finish line.
Bring a beach chair for the 70yr old and streamers and a decorated sign or balloons for the kids.
I’ll be the voice of dissent and say this sounds awful (to me personally). Don’t go. Say you couldn’t get the time off work. Send her a card and flowers the next day saying how proud you are of her achievement.
It sounds awful to me, too. For context, I have completed a half-marathon before and it was way outside my comfort zone. My city has one of the best-regarded marathons/half marathons in the country, and besides the ONE TIME I ran it myself, I have never been back to be a spectator. Being in a crowd in the heat all day watching for one person sounds like a miserable time. And since somebody will ask, NO, I did not ask for any spectators when I did my thing. That’s pretty much the last thing I would’ve wanted.
+1
Sounds like she’s come up with an excellent reason for a family reunion. Since you have already committed, chin up and stop being a wet blanket!
Here’s some actual logistical advice.
The swim will be first and swimmers will be let out in waves. Your cousin will have a colored swim cap that matches her group. Cheer for her as she starts, then position yourself between the exit of the swim and the transition area so can cheer her on as she runs by and is getting ready to get on her bike. Find a spot on the bike course close to the end (which will be close to the transition-there is only one transition area on this course). Yes, I see a few on the bike by five and then you can care for her as you she’s getting ready to transition for the run. Then, find a spot close to the finish line for the run. But you can leave your spots and come back, just keep an eye on her pace.
Bring chairs and a shade umbrella if possible. Bring water bottles and snacks too. Bring some towels and sand toys for the little kids-they can play at the reservoir beach.
I have participated in and spectated this race. It’s totally manageable and your cousin will be really happy you are there.
I second all of this. I have done this specific race and am doing it again this year. Logistics are hard for this course. It will be difficult to leave and come back due to bikers leaving and entering transition at the reservoir. If I remember correctly you will have to park at a nearby lot (IBM) and take a shuttle over. So plan to come and stay. It’s a great place for kids because they can swim in the reservoir and there is food etc there. I would not go for the swim start- it will be super early and you won’t see much of your cousin. Come about an hour before she gets off the bike to give you time to get there. Then cheer for her getting off the bike and on the run. It’s laps so you will be able to see her a few times and the kids won’t burn out. Make sure you bring sunscreen and snacks! Also please don’t hand out anything to the athletes. Once you start the race for an Ironman you aren’t allowed any outside assistance and giving an athlete anything can get them disqualified! Usually the VIP is not worth the money unless you want to be very close when your cousin finishes and to get some food included. A good resource for both athlete and spectator logistics will be the athlete guide when it is posted online.
It would be one million times easier to entertain the kids along the race course than cooped up in a hotel room.
For the poster from the weekend thread who was looking for a neck massager – I have and use one similar to this:
https://www.amazon.com/Nekteck-Back-Neck-Shoulder-Massager
It looks and feels a little cheap, but the shiatsu is great and even works on calves, forearms, etc.
Shoot, the link doesn’t work. But searching for “shiatsu neck massager” brings up several options.
Thank you! I’m the original poster and this is what I have bought! It’s helping. Appreciate that you came back to post this .
We’re moving into a new home (NYC tri state area) next month and I’m looking to get it deep cleaned prior to move in. It’s a sizable house (5B, 5ba, 4000 sq ft) but in overall good condition. In addition to normal cleaning, I’m hoping to have all the cabinet interiors and closets cleaned, appliances deep cleaned, etc. I got one quote for $1600 (includes all of the previously mentioned, excludes window cleaning). Does this seem totally unreasonable or in the ballpark of what I should expect?
Honestly, this sounds cheaper than I’d expect. 4000 sq ft is HUGE, so I’d expect a regular cleaning to be decently expensive (especially in such a HCOL area) but deep cleanings are obviously more expensive than normal ones.
Fair! We’re moving from a 1300 sq foot condo and currently pay $150 for weekly cleanings – so just had no frame of reference.
Yeah, I was thinking that for the size of the house and the work described, this doesn’t seem too surprising.
I would try for a few more quotes but this does not seem nuts for the level of clean — this sounds like a team of 2 spending a long day scrubbing. $150 for a weekly clean I assume is about $75 an hour per person? 8 hours (though might it take longer?) x 2 people x 75 = $1200.
Cleaners get paid $75 per hour? I need a new career…
What they charge isn’t what they make (unless self employed)
And in that case $75 would be not very much!
FYI as a self employed person (consultant) I take home about half of my hourly rate after paying both the employer and employee side of payroll taxes plus insurance. Not counting the cost of setting up a business.
Do it. Sounds like you could use the perspective.
+1
I pay my cleaner $55/hr (one person, her own business), so was commenting because I didn’t realize costs had gone up so much. Maybe I’m underpaying.
We pay $200 for a biweekly clean that usually takes about 3 hours. Philly, so a slightly lower COL than the OP’s geography.
That’s cheap. I pay that for a deep clean when I turn my 1500 square foot rental unit for the next tenant.
Yeah that seems normal. This is beyond even a normal deep clean of a massive house.
Yup this is a HUGE house, so makes sense. Especially for the amount of detail / level of cleaning you want.
Chiming in only to say that you should make sure exactly what is included in a deep clean before you agree to anything. I had some disagreements with our company the last time we did it and we definitely weren’t on the same page as far as what was included, which is a good lesson learned for me but was frustrating at the time.
Have you ever given notice of termination and left your job same day? Or had a direct report do or manager do it? If you gave notice and left same day, what causes you not to give 2 weeks’ notice, and if you had a team member or manager do it, how did the team bounce back?
Trying to manage through a situation, and looking for real life examples that will give me some empathy/help our team heal.
I would only do that if the job had fundamentally disrespected me in some serious way – perhaps something like insisting on butt-in-seat while I had a child in the hospital or denying leave for a parent’s funeral. It would have to be something that pretty seriously denied my humanity.
I have not, but this person doesn’t seem unreasonable. Why would they WANT to stick around for two more weeks after being notified that they’re getting fired? Maybe I’m missing something here.
Or by “notice of termination,” do you mean that they put in their letter of resignation? Your wording is confusing.
Sorry. She resigned last Monday, with the resignation effective as of the time she told her direct manager. She did not participate in the meetings scheduled after the termination was given via email in the morning.
You really need to stop using the word termination. That’s what happens when it’s driven by the employer, not the employee, and it’s confusing the issue here.
Okay, cool got it. I am used to dealing with terminations. I have never dealt with someone who quits, and effectively walks out. Was trying to be professional here to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but the employee – who has a team below her, and several managers above her – quit last Monday, and stopped working after she sent the email notifying her manager she was quitting.
yeah notice of termination sounds like someone being laid off. Honestly, most people I know don’t have a two week ramp down period and are let go immediately. The only people I know who have stayed are folks who are required to do so to get a severance (which, IME with friends has been very generous so they have to stay).
Don’t lay someone off and then expect them to keep working!!!
No, and wouldn’t expect it barring extreme circumstances as if done for no reason other than annoyance or spite, it’s such a bridge-burner.
I mean if someone is being laid off or terminated same-day effectiveness is pretty much expected, but not when giving voluntary notice of resignation.
Are you the manager in this situation? The number one thing your team needs is your guidance on how to solve the WORK problems this person’s departure leaves: not an emotional understanding of why they left. Keep your comments on the why short and vague and move immediately to figuring out: who is going to take over XYZ task? What will be deprioritized bc you’re understaffed? Who should they ask about XYZ in the interim?
Start by asking your remaining team to make a list of any dependencies their work has on the person who’s leaving. Schedule additional check ins. Ask what they’re concerned about (from a work perspective) and follow up on those concerns.
The work piece is being covered, I’m just honestly still shocked she quit and walked away. I was wondering if anyone could give me insight as to what would cause them to walk away. No childcare, or forcing you to work while your child is in the hospital all make sense to me. I suspected the employee was considering giving notice, but I never in 1 million years expected her to quit and walk away same day.
Because she really hated working for y’all or because she wanted to start a new job asap or because she had a fun vacation planned. You don’t need to solve this mystery.
This. This is the answer. Also, it’s not your business?
I get that as people it’s our nature to want to understand the emotional side of it. But, it’s really and truly not your business to figure out at the end of the day if this person had childcare issues (or any other issue) or not. Short of there being something so terrible happening at the office that caused this person to quit on the spot, then you all need to do some deep self reflection and figure out what’s up. Was this person other-ed in some way? Hostile? Subject to harassment that wasn’t obvious? Or really just a average employee that packed up and left? If the latter, move on and focus on the job.
Well, with respect, I think a good manager spends at least a few minutes on it, to avoid it happening again! It’s fair to reach out “hey, has anyone had this happen?” so they can manage through it well and hopefully avoid it happening again!
Perhaps a few minutes and one follow up if you can maintain emotional objectivity, but then just leave it alone and focus on the work that needs to get done. I work with a couple of managers who really take it personally and spend way too much time on the rehashing of why the employee quit and is it us or them and what could we have done differently, etc. Like way, way too much time trying to analyze a situation. You can definitely get lost in the weeds, which it sort of feels like OP is doing by looking for insight from internet strangers. I’ve witnessed this a lot – If you let your mind churn this over, you’ll eventually “find some evidence” that spins into a big “reason”. You can end up with elaborate stories of why this person did this when in reality you have no idea and it could be extraordinary simple and still none of your business, but you have wasted way too energy trying to “figure out” something you won’t figure out.
You’re not going to know the reason, so I would spend your time and focus on supporting your team by handling the work pieces and assignments. I get that it’s shocking, but truly — you are probably never going to know the real reason.
Why do you suspect the employee was considering giving notice? That, plus the potential awkwardness of giving notice and then sticking around for 2 weeks, is probably why she quit without notice.
I mean, I like my co-workers and all, but if one of them up and quit same-day, I wouldn’t need to “heal” and I really hope my manager wouldn’t either. From a total outsider’s perspective, you seem to be taking this kind of personally – and that might be exactly why she didn’t stick around, because she guessed you’d take her departure personally and that would make her remaining time not very fun. Or she’s conflict avoidant, or doesn’t know industry norms.
And to be clear, I’ve never quit without notice nor would I, as I think it’s rude and unprofessional. When I’ve quit, giving a month’s notice, I’ve been as transparent as possible in any exit interview (without burning bridges). But if I were going to quit without notice, those might be some reasons why.
+1
I’ve never done that, I’ve always worked out my notice and tried to be professional and draft transition memos etc. But some people don’t care. When I worked at a startup that had ridiculously high turnover, HR came to see me (in legal) to ask if we can force people to work out their notice, and the answer is honestly, not really.
I considered doing this when my manager was completely unreasonable and my grand-boss was as well. They hadn’t listened to me while I was there, and had been quite rude and mean. I didn’t want to deal with that after I quit. I did have a full transition guide written up. As it was, they didn’t transition me out properly and tried sending me questions for months afterwards – so the 1.5 weeks I was there was a bit of a waste anyways.
Maybe she won the lotto? Got a horrible diagnosis? Is in witness protection?
Sometimes we simply don’t get the answers or closure we want. It does sound like this was abrupt, but it also sounds like you are struggling to accept that it did not come with all the reasoning laid out for you.
You suspected she was about to give notice. Why? There must be reasons for your suspicion. Maybe those are the same reasons she left. Is your org generally chaotic, are the colleagues not great or alienating, was there a values conflict, a salary disappointment? People leave for all kinds of good reasons. I think when people really nip a job in the bud by not giving notice it means they found something irredeemable about the job or the workplace
I didn’t, but once gave notice when I was having a tough time securing high quality, consistent child care after plans fell through. If I hadn’t had a relative fly in to cover for my notice weeks and really wanted to leave on good terms, I could see leaving without notice.
I’d address it while moving to figuring out what needs to be done. “It’s unfortunate and disruptive that Jane left without notice. Let’s sort out how we’re going to manage the work now. Thank you all for stepping up, I’m going to work quickly with HR to backfill the role.”
I know of people who did that in really ab-sive work environments. Something awful happens and they literally just walk that day.
Another option is that a job came through for her but in short notice.
Maybe she thought you would react badly. Some people try to pressure their employees into staying, and “I am leaving right now” obviates that problem.
FWIW, I once left “abruptly” in a way that burned bridges. I gave two weeks’ notice. On my last day, I had a 10 am exit interview, over at 10:30 am. Laptop access and email were shut off. Handed in the company phone. Manager wanted me to do MORE WORK. So she pulled strings to get my laptop access turned back on. I didn’t even take a lunch break. Finally, at 3:30 pm, when I was done with her most recent list, I just… left.
Yes, I had spent the entire two weeks working my tail off to get my projects transitioned over. I was willing to help out with a few last requests, but was seriously wondering when it would all end.
Nobody that close to me, but I’ve heard of people who experienced pretty extreme bullying in the workplace who more or less do it. Think of the classic scenario where someone stands up in a meeting, announces “I quit,” then walks out of the room. If someone reaches their breaking point, then is it really helping anyone for them to try and buckle through another day or two?
I got up and left a meeting after a mid-level exec (not my boss) threw a binder at me across a conference table in front of about 20 other people because she didn’t like how I had organized part of it. She was a bully and that was the last straw. I went to my desk, collected my personal items, left my badge and phone on the desk, and drove away. My boss called me later to apologize and say I was welcome to take the rest of the week off and return the following week if I wanted to, but he understood why I had left. I told him all I wanted was my last paycheck, which he had expedited. It look me about 6 weeks to find another, better, job. Walking out of that meeting was the best decision I ever made.
Good for you! I love that you didn’t stick around to explain why that mid-level was in the wrong. Sometimes it’s best to let people observe the situation with their own eyes.
I think the causes are (leaving aside personal stuff in the person who left’s life) assuming they would be pushed out or “walked out” anyway, reaching a health or mental health crisis level due to the work or culture/environment, a single incident that was deeply disrespectful, or some sort of “toxic” relationship with someone I’d have to work with those 2 weeks.
It could be benign like this person just wants time off before starting a new job, rather than diddling around at Old Job.
There’s also a lot of terrible advice all over the internet to burn the current job and flounce off because “they wouldn’t give you 2 weeks if they let you go” but that feels reductive and lacks nuance. Jobs that fire people usually give plenty of warnings and chances and signs. Jobs that have layoffs also usually have at the very least signs that things aren’t going well or there’s a clear event (merger, acquisition, etc). So maybe the person that quit read something that struck a chord with them?
In terms of managing, I think focusing on processes that mean your company or team wouldn’t just “dump” someone one day out of nowhere might help. Meaning dispelling the idea that someone should cut and run because the company would treat them the same way given the chance.
Also I’d just ask if anyone needs help or how you can pick up slack until you figure it out/dust settles.
Also this is the apocryphal “hit by a bus” moment! Do you have everything she did documented? Is there a place where you can look up where she was on certain tasks?
I gave about 4 days notice when I left a job (came in on Monday, told them I was quitting, last day was Thursday). About a year later they contacted me asking if I’d come back in a different position (I did not, that company was whack).
My last job I left, I knew I was getting my new job about a month before I got the actual letter (was moving to a federal job and there is A LOT of bureaucracy involved). I told my immediate boss and another woman I did a lot of work for, because I didn’t want them to schedule me for projects I wouldn’t be there to complete. But I didn’t officially resign until I got the offer letter, and I think I only gave them about a week, maybe a little less. They were cool with it, though, they understood I was moving to a better position.
I think if things are so bad that you leave without notice, you probably don’t care about burning bridges.
We had an employee do this. She resigned, stayed a day, and then left the next morning and said she had too many life things going on, including needing to care for her partner’s mother, and she just needed to be done (said with tears in her eyes). It was a little odd, considering she had a pretty professional background and even said “this is so unprofessional, I’m sorry I just have to do it”. Frankly her immediate reasoning seemed a little off, and I kind of think she was pressured by her partner. Her adult daughter was also going through a fairly significant mental health crisis during that time period. But it really wasn’t our business to get overly involved in the “why”. One of the other managers followed up with her for a few months, just because she cared and wanted to check in. Employee landed in a part time job that seemed like a good fit, although she left that as well after a year.
“Her adult daughter was also going through a fairly significant mental health crisis during that time period.”
Ever had that happen? After my sister attempted to end her life, I was flopped down in a chair in my manager’s office the next morning, trying to power through. My parents called and asked if I was able to make the drive (250 miles each way) to visit her in the hospital. Manager told me to leave and he would see me tomorrow.
I felt so bad; my parents were ten minutes away. Manager’s attitude was “just leave, work will be here tomorrow. Take tomorrow off it you need it.”
Agree – I’ve had family members have mental health crises and it’s one of those things where you have to drop everything and go.
Also I hope your sister is doing better, Anon at 11:02.
oh I’m so sorry. Seriously, I definitely didn’t mean to make that part sound flippant – it’s a real very hard thing! Honestly that alone could have been the reason and we understood. The timing was just kind of off from what she had shared details of her daughter’s situation over the preceding months and it seemed like she would have left earlier if she was going to leave because of that. I recall that we did give her time off for that. Perhaps something came up again with her daughter that spurred the sudden quitting that she didn’t want to discuss with us (totally fine) but it didn’t seem like it was that due to the timing and also that she had shared A LOT of the details before.
I am guessing she specifically stopped sharing details because things crossed a line where she was no longer comfortable sharing, unfortunately.
Yikes. That doesn’t sound odd to me at all, sounds like she had a really serious reason.
If someone resigned abruptly I would be doing some organizational soul-searching to figure out why the organization had driven them out. I worked for an employer that blamed its high turnover rate on “they just weren’t dedicated enough” and “they weren’t loyal” and “they were greedy,” when in fact the problem was a toxic culture and poor management.
If it’s really not your fault I’d guess there was a crisis on the employee’s end.
The big question is ‘is this a them thing or a job thing’. I’ve seen lots of people leave and can basically shift them into 2 buckets:
Them thing – The person either had life circumstances that had gotten to the point where they needed to leave ASAP – a former colleague whose small child got a big medical diagnosis at the same time as their partner got a promotion and their parent had a medical emergency and was just like ‘hey, I’m sorry, I need to be done TODAY’ comes to mind. OR they otherwise are somebody who just is done because of them reasons. The example here is a longtime staffer who submitted their resignation and then called out either sick or vacation days for the next 2 weeks because they were mad we didn’t offer them a big promotion to stay (staffer was borderline on a PIP, so this didn’t make sense…)
Workplace thing – is your culture so toxic people need to run away screaming? Alternately, do you have a habit of terminating people as soon as they give notice? If so, look at the pattern.
I think the post mortem is totally normal but also – I agonized when the staffer left when we didn’t give them the promotion about what I should have done. She ended up working for a former colleague and… you know what? She’s insubordinate, she doesn’t get along with others, and is an overall headache. So turns out, it wasn’t me at all.
I quit a couple of jobs like that when I was younger , although none were really roles where notice was expected. Once was because they wouldn’t give me vacation time and I had a free trip to Europe (and I was 22, and the owner was acting more and more erratic every day). Once was because I had taken on tons of responsibilities but the owner wouldn’t give me a raise and I knew it would never get better.
I’m sure that the person who quit had reasons. Maybe she was dealing with personal issues and the idea of working there any longer was too overwhelming. Maybe there was something about the job or the environment at work that she could not bear another day. Honestly, that last bit is the only part you should spend any time trying to understand: Did you contribute to it? Might others feel the same way?
I did this when I left a law firm with the other people I worked with. There wasn’t a good alternative and it would have gotten tense if any of us had tried to stay. It did create an issue with one matter I had been handling but it just meant someone at the firm had to jump in on an emergency basis to take over. There was shock and can’t nsternation.but most of that was people having their feelings hurt more than anything. And of course client revenue lost probably hurt but that is how these things go.
I did something similar after being told I was being demoted for refusing the advances of my senior director. I was 24.
Yikes! Glad you got away.
So, either she won the lottery, had a family health emergency, or absolutely loathes her manager. In the 1st case, nothing you can do, 2nd case, it’s worth considering if your leave policies are reasonable and evenly applied (i.e. did someone recently ask for time off for their college graduation, or have bereavement leave rejected?) and in the 3rd its worth asking if management is fair and responsive.
Not quite the same. But I gave notice of six weeks (to see a big project through completion) after 14 years working somewhere only to have my company not give me a bonus that was a huge part of my compensation. (Timing: Bonus for hitting metrics in January, budget being finalized in February, but bonus not distributed until after a big conference in June and my notice would take me through half of August.)
When they held back from giving it to me in June, I walked out the door. The CFO called me at home and begged me to come back while he worked it out. HR called me by end of day to let me know bonus would be paid. I finished the project in August (and another major one as well from a coworker who left with quitting on the spot). After a decade in another industry, I now work for a company in the same space–and having a good relationship with old company has paid off well for everyone. (Our company sponsors a lot of activities and old company has me speak at their events.)
My colleague who quit on the spot burned bridges to the ground and then went independent for the years that followed. Not sure if that was due to lack of references or desire to be her own boss after getting out.
If you aren’t negotiating anything, then don’t leave the same day. It reflects poorly on you, even if you’ve been nothing but professional until that point. And you never know just who you’ll bump into again.
Some companies do a follow-up exit interview a few months later, maybe this employee wouldn’t agree to participate but may be useful if you have more than idle curiousity and a want to understand if she was driven out by work issues.
I am starting a new fully remote job with an employer located in another state. What health insurance pitfalls should I be on the lookout for and how can I spot them? One concern I have is whether my local providers will be in-network (Blue Cross). Another is whether miscarriage care etc. is covered since the employer’s state bans access to women’s health care.
I mean no, even red states aren’t seeing insurance plans not cover miscarriage. And it’s not women’s health care it’s abortion.
This.
🙄 Such a flip response when women are getting turned away from ERs, denied methotrexate when they’re not even pregnant, left to reach the brink of death before doctors intervene, and worse. Doctors are leaving those states in droves – Idaho has lost over half of its practicing OBs. Who do you think delivers the babies and performs the Pap smears and does the breast exams without them?
But that wasn’t her question.
I am trying to figure out whether an insurance policy written in one of these states will cover methotrexate for autoimmune conditions, care for an ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage, etc. If this care is not legal to provide in the state where the policy is written, will my insurance pay for it in another state?
I work remotely and have Blue Cross and it’s been fine. All my providers are available in my state’s version of Blue Cross so they are all in-network for me.
It’s likely that providers who participate with Blue Cross where you live will be in-network with your coverage, but you need to make sure that the plan you pick (if you have choices) has what they call “Blue Card” benefits, usually signified by a little suitcase icon on your physical insurance card.
If you were to experience miscarriage and went to an emergency room in your state, the care should be covered by your insurance. Even if your insurance didn’t cover it, you would not be liable for anything beyond regular patient responsibility for copays/coinsurance/deductible for emergency services. There’s a chance that elective abortion would not be covered.
For those acting like the OP is being ridiculous, you are wrong. The treatment for miscarriage is exactly the same as the treatment for an elective abortion. This is women’s healthcare, and the way it is being restricted in some parts of the country is shameful. I hope you never need healthcare that is restricted by politicians where you live, but if you do, I hope you remember how you scoffed.
“The treatment for miscarriage is exactly the same as the treatment for an elective abortion.”
What do you mean? I’ve had 3 miscarriages and have never had any treatment. In rare cases the body doesn’t fully complete the miscarriage, but it’s really a stretch to say that miscarriage treatment is the same as abortion treatment!
The medications and surgical procedures are the same for elective and spontaneous abortion. There are risks to foregoing treatment (as well as risks to treatment) that are weighed in individual cases. Needing treatment for some reason isn’t really all that rare.
If you get treatment, then the treatment is the same. And people treat miscarriages for all sorts of reasons, not only because of the “rare” cases when the body doesn’t fully complete it.
It’s really not. I know multiple women who had to have D&Cs after miscarriages of very wanted children. Which, you know, is the same procedure that many women would use if they wanted an abortion for unwanted children.
If your employer is of any size (maybe a few hundred covered lives or more), they probably self-insure their health plan. This means that the plan is subject to federal – but not state – laws. So the laws of the state where the company is located won’t affect the plan’s coverage (nor will the laws of the state where you reside).
Assuming the plan is self-funded, the employer has some flexibility in deciding what coverage to provide – but unless you’re going to work for Hobby Lobby or Weingartz or one of the other companies that are so dismissive of women, it seems unlikely the employer would want to get that involved in dictating very personal health coverage issues for their employees. I’ve worked in HR for a variety of companies, and we never debated whether to cover birth control, or abortions, or care for ectopic pregnancies – they were all covered under the normal standard of care. We would say to our insurance company (which gave us access to their provider networks and discounted rates, and processed claims on our behalf) “What’s your standard coverage?” or “What’s reasonable to cover?” and follow their recommendation.
So, you can ask HR if their plan is insured or self-funded (also referred to as self-insured). That’s a reasonable question to ask, and they should be able to tell you. Or, if they are self-funded, they’re supposed to post a list of covered services and in-network and out-of-network costs on their company website, in a public-facing place, accessible without a password. You can look on their website for this list – sometimes called the Transparency in Coverage list; if you see it, you’ll know they’re self-funded. But if you don’t see it, that could mean their plan is insured, or it could mean that the plan is self-funded but they haven’t gotten around to publishing the Transparency list, or the list is hard to find. So asking HR may be faster and easier.
This is very helpful–thank you.
I’m frustrated with being what feels like perpetually single, especially now as I get older and pretty much everyone I know is settling down. I don’t know the best path to take / where to focus my effort and energy going forward. I’m currently not super lonely but definitely fear loneliness as people’s lives continue to progress to marriage, families, suburbs, etc.
Obviously, going “all in” on one part of my life doesn’t mean I stop dating but I’m wondering if it’s worth refocusing my time into other activities now. Is now the time to fully commit to a hobby of mine (training for and racing in off-road triathlons), even if training for this hobby limits the time I have to date or grab a post-work drink with a friend?
Is it worth it start dating a guy who is great on paper but I have no spark with because compromising on that is better than being alone? For those who are more experienced in being single – if you could go back to your mid 30s what would you do? Especially if you wanted kids?
I love my job and until now I have taken the less demanding route, but I could double down on that? I do fine financially, but I work in government so I’ll never be rich (probably couldn’t ever own property on my own in my area; can travel but can’t take really fabulous vacations; have some money to dedicate towards hobbies but not as much as I’d like)? Going all in at work would mean a lot more travel and longer hours. I work in a helping profession – can I make my mark on the world this way if I can’t have a family?
I already live near extended family and see them regularly, but could take on a more active caregiving role to some family members. I have a lot of great friends (about half are nearby and half are long distance), I love them and am close with them but I do feel like everyone is starting to pass me by. As of now, no niblings to be the great, fun aunt to but maybe one day there will be. Is that a fulfilling enough family life?
As I said above, I recognize that choosing to follow one path over another isn’t mutually exclusive; I have also heard too many times that “love finds you when you least expect it / when you stop looking” so recognize that finding Mr. Right could happen whenever, regardless of what I do or don’t do. I guess I’m just curious to hear from other singles on this board – what are you doing now and if you’re older, how has life turned out / do you wish you had done something different?
Race the triathlons!!
Ignore the bs about love finding you when you least expect it. As one of my friends said, if that were true, she would have been married long ago because has “least expected it” for 15 years.
Live your life. Build a joyful, fun, full life. Worst case scenario, you enjoy your time here on earth. Best case scenario, doing amazing things opens up doors, some of them romantic.
I do race them now, I’m just not doing two a days training for over two hours a day – I can definitely do that, but grabbing a drink after work as a first date isn’t going to happen as often if I”m training that much! I mostly love the life I have, the only thing that I don’t love is that I want to be more deeply involved in SOMETHING. There are many things I love that I would be happy to be deeply involved in, but I only have the bandwidth to commit to one, maybe two things deeply.
So what do you do on the days when you’re not training and you do not have a date? Are you waiting around for a date to happen? Get more deeply involved in the training (something you can control) and fit dating into that life. You can do both.
You’ve got to actually live your life. I was single until I met my husband at 40. I did not and do not believe in compromising on a spouse, I’d have stayed single if I hadn’t gotten lucky meeting someone perfect for me. I believe in approaching the life you have now with gusto and if it changes, adapt. For me that meant leaning into work, getting promoted, making money, buying a house, traveling, throwing parties, etc when I was single. And I still do all that now, too. Life is what you make of it and accepting and enjoying the path you’re on. If that path changes, enjoy the next one too.
I guess I feel like life is something that you make happen, rather than something that happens to you – so I feel like I”m at a crossroads and I can choose different directions but I don’t have the time / money to do ALL of it, so I need to choose a path.
I’ve enjoyed living the “a little bit of everything” path I have been on, but its no longer as fulfilling to me and I feel like others are passing me by (not in a comparison way, but rather in a I’d like to be fully entrenched into something (I see that through those with families) and I don’t have that).
I am very much living my life with gusto – I have a vibrant social life, I partake in many hobbies, I love my job and succeed there, I do travel and throw parties and in general have a rich, joyful life. However, I want to focus on something more – a family, racing, career, what have you.
Could you focus in on one area at a time, and see what makes you happy/enjoy more? This might take awhile but you could set a time frame, for example lean into traveling for fun for one year, then lean into one of your hobbies for one year, try something new for a few months, and so on. Meeting someone is not the magic bullet to a happy and fulfilling life.
Yeah I maybe didn’t phrase things well – I am definitely happy and fulfilled in my life but I do think I’d prefer to be in a relationship. Now that most of my friends are coupled, it just feels really apparent that I’m single and do have to do many things alone. Like I was at a wedding with some friends two weeks ago – there were 3 tables of my friends there and I was the ONLY one without a partner. It was great to see friends and I had a great time and I didn’t wallow or anything, but it’s still a bummer to be the only single one. Now that friends are coupled, we don’t really do girls trips anymore so I pretty much have to travel solo if I want to travel. I have to do everything for myself at home every day – there’s no one to say “I’ll cook if you clean up” to. I need to move a piece of furniture that is too heavy and big to move myself, so I’m just leaving it where it is until I have friends over and can ask someone to help.
Everything I can control, I think I’m handling well. But there are some voids that great friendships and meaning in life and nearby family and hobbies and a great job and whatnot can’t fill.
I agree that meeting someone isn’t the magic bullet to a happy and fulfilling life, but I think everything that’s in my control for a happy and fulfilling life I’ve done. I do think I’d be happier with a partner, though.
Well I’d get very practical about it. Since you aren’t married, I’d focus on your career as you will need money to care for yourself. Then see what you have time for.
Luckily, I have great healthcare and a pension. I still save a lot aside from my pension, but I’m much less stressed about retirement and money than I was in previous jobs.
Unfortunately, if I jump all in on my career I think that would really close the door on other things in my life – choosing to do that would mean traveling to rural areas for months at a time. Its something I would do here and there on my own, but if I jump in with both feet workwise it’d be more regular. The other path if I went all in on my career would be relocating to a city I don’t really want to live in- its expensive and far from my community. Maybe one day I’ll want to do this, but I don’t think I’ll be ready for that kind of job commitment a while yet.
I can have a great but not OMG career working the way I currently do (occasional travel or longer hours but mostly a 9-5). I’m a GS-13, so I could go for a GS-14 eventually, but that’s as high as I’ll go in my city.
To OP: sounds like you have your own answer that you actually don’t want to focus on career then, unless you want to make it your goal to move up a level sooner rather than later.
I like the way you think. I’m 30 and my friends are getting married. If I meet someone perfect then sure I’d like to marry but I’m not super frazily searching for it. I’d like to have all the experiences you listed regardless. But some of my friends have made me feel like that’s the wrong idea or that I should be more desperate or something. So its good to read this.
I feel like I felt this way for a long time – I loved my life as is so didn’t feel the need to add someone to it unless they were perfect. I think I snapped after going to one too many weddings where I was quite literally the only single person there and now I wonder if I made a mistake being so apathetic to dating when I was younger.
Well its not about perfect but it is someone who feels like an improvement to my current life. Someone who I like spending that much time with. Who I’m comfortable with. I don’t want to force it just for the sake of being coupled.
I married at 38 and was completely single for most of my 30s. I would say to invest your time in whatever part of your life OSS most likely to help you build relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) and community. Being single is hard; being single without strong platonic relationships is 10x harder. For me, I joined a cycling team and also started doing a fairly time consuming religious education program (Education for Ministry, for my Anglican friends out there) that involved small group study. Cycling actually did end up being a great way to meet guys, but I was also just so much happier and more satisfied in my life as a whole, bc I had a community.
I’m in the same boat – I don’t want to settle with a great but not omg perfect guy and miss out on true love, but I’d also rather a life with the great guy over a life alone. I guess its kind of like do you give up the good to go for the great? I never know the best plan of attack in these situations.
For those who are still single or got married later, how do you deal with the feelings of being “undesirable”? It’s really hard for me to deal with the fact that it feels like no one is choosing / has chosen me. I’m mostly happy and fulfilled in my life but every so often I just have this totally crushing feeling of being unwanted.
Married at 40 but I guess I just never felt that way? I looked at it the other way around, I was a prize and no one was quite worthy of me. I’m also conventionally attractive so that probably helped?
I love this. Normally I feel this way too but my family/friends are getting me down.
I very much feel undesirable even though objectively I’m successful and in a good spot in life. Yet, some days it feels like the rest doesn’t matter if you’re alone.
Honestly, I have several friends who were not as conventionally attractive and all had children on their own around 40 (or older) with sperm donors. They have amazing families now. I even thought about doing that when I was partnerless in my late 30’s. But then my Mom died suddenly, and she was supposed to help me and other life changes pushed motherhood away. So now I am older and single, and honestly…. I am ok with it. The older I get, the easier it is, and I really, really enjoy my life. It is amazing how we adjust.
I’ve felt that way. But then I look around at my friends’ partners and realize that I wouldn’t want to date or marry any of them. Some of them are legitimately not great guys, and some would just not be great for me. So I try to focus on the fact that I would rather be alone than with the wrong person
As someone who is perpetually single at 39 and has watched all my friends get married – omg, do not settle just so you can get married. That is a fate worse than being single forever.
Honestly, I think it matters what you mean by settling. I’d take a marriage with stability, respect, and liking but not loving someone over a passionate love but otherwise unstable marriage or over being single forever.
I’d rather be single than be in a loveless marriage. I can do stable by myself. To each their own.
I mean I can do stable by myself until I get sick and can’t work or the housing market goes to h3ll or I get laid off.
Same here. Marriage is where you hold out for the great and let merely the good go.
Amen.
One thing I’ve found hard is that there are definitely people in my life who don’t treat me as an adult because I’m not coupled… even though I’m 33 and haven’t lived at home since I went to college 15 years ago! I have a masters degree and a condo and my own life and yet… This isn’t cultural either – we’re you’re average white American mutts in the Northeast (where people tend to get married later anyways!). Whether its planning a family reunion or holiday gathering or an invite to a relative or family friend’s wedding / shower, all correspondence and planning seems to run through my parents even though I have my own life / things to schedule around that my parents don’t necessarily know about!
My parents, and some other relatives, are also what, at times, feels overly involved in my life – I guess they think I need a sounding board for decisions and since I am single they are that sounding board. I’d love to be able to couch something as “the right decision for my family” rather than the “right decision for me” because for whatever when the decision only affects me, it’s not as respected.
This is so true!! I only find out about family stuff when it goes through my parents.
I am married with kids, and I only find out about family events from my mom. The older generation seems to just coordinating scheduling and then dictate that their kids attend at that time. It sucks!
I’m not sure coupling would help with that as the goalpost will just move forward. I’ve been told I’m not a real adult because I don’t have kids on two occasions now.
I’m not who you asked, but… I’m on my third marriage and I adore my current husband. But… I look back quite fondly on the times between marriages as some of the best times of my life. I absolutely co-sign the idea that it is far, far, FAR better to be single than to be in an unhappy marriage. I also absolutely agree that being deeply involved in something is essential. For me, at one point it was martial arts, at a different time it was a religious community, more recently it was a community organization. On the career front, I ended up with a good-but-not-great career and I’m largely okay with that because, especially in retrospect, the trade-offs wouldn’t have been worth it.
I married at 34 so not that late into my 30s but still. I would throw myself into activities where you meet people. Choose the activities you love. Try lots of clubs and organizations. Build friendships. Also. plenty of those married folks will divorce. Some of them are miserable- be you and don’t compare yourself. Don’t waste time being jealous but so admit to yourself what you want. Don’t be afraid to want a lot. Life’s short. Also think seriously if this have a kid while single – I hope I would have if I didn’t meet my husband in time. (And all those divorcees will have kids by your 40s so you might as well too by then.)
I am perpetually single in my 40s. My thought process is this: you get one life and one life only. You make a choice every day of how you’re going to live your life. I think your problem is you’re trying to fix your entire future life because at this point in time you’re single. You can’t be guaranteed that changing one thing will magically solve your problems. Just try doing anything you named. Do one of them for a little bit and see if it makes life better. If it doesn’t, stop and try something else. Maybe any of this will make you happier and maybe none will. But you won’t know either way until you do something. I also think people who are happy single are doing things that make them happy. They are happy with the life they’ve built. Maybe they could be happier in a relationship. Maybe they wouldn’t. It’s just a different path.
Co-sign on the better to be single than unhappily married. I got married at 48, and am now divorcing at 58. I ignored red flags. The unravelling of my life is something I have been posting about. There were good things in our marriage, but I know now I should have been a lot more vigilant.
For anyone who can maintain a healthy weight, how many calories do you eat a day? I am underweight and need to gain 5 lbs for health reasons, and have been tracking calories. I am getting 1600-2000 depending on the day. I find it hard to get any more because I get too full. I don’t exercise but live in a city so I walk a fair bit.
I feel like you’ve asked a version of this question before. I think this is above our pay grade and you really need to be working with a registered dietician.
+1
Hi can we not compare and share calorie counts? It’s deeply unhealthy and unnecessary. It doesn’t matter how many calories other people are eating, what matters is that you don’t appear to be eating enough for your own goals! Some quick fixes: switch to whole milk and full fat yogurt. Avocado. Nuts. A bowl of ice cream to end the day. A hard boiled egg extra snack. Peanut butter. Steak instead of chicken. Butter on your fish.
+1000000. Sharing calorie counts is literally violent to full sized individuals.
Violent? Full sized individuals?
Referring to people as full sized individuals feels way more “violent” than the original question…like at what point was I not a full size individual?
I can understand that calorie counts can be extremely triggering for those struggling or recovering from eating disorders or obesity and that’s what you’re labeling as “literally violent” but I definitely question the term “full sized individuals”.
I hope this is satire (“literally violent”)?
Having some awareness of calories can be important. In my household a serious diagnosis was delayed by decades partly because we never quantified just how much more someone was eating than is normal.
Spending all day counting calories can be toxic and unhealthy, but spending a few days charting on cronometer for a physician can be healthy and wise.
That is good satire
+100. Your body is not my body, and what I eat is not going to help you figure out what you need to eat.
Luckily there’s a whole profession in figuring out how to eat for your body!
Step one is definitely meeting with a registered dietician.
If you need something in the interim before you can get in with one, make sure you have an accurate idea of your TDEE – use the USDA calculator.
Finally, focus on calorically and nutrient dense foods so that you’ll have to eat less to hit your calorie goal.
Can you “drink your calories”–I know for those of us trying to reduce, those sneaky Starbucks and other high-calorie fun drinks are an easy way to add hundreds of calories without chewing, heh. And I personally don’t find them all that filling either–especially the clear drinks (meaning not coffee or not a frap). Or go to a restaurant and get their 1100 milkshake for desert, boom, you’ve doubled your calories for the day.
Agree that this is very dependent on body composition and individual metabolism, but *in general* 1600-2000 calories is maintenance level, and especially if you are walking a lot you probably aren’t going to gain. But it shouldn’t be hard to add calorie-dense foods into your diet; whatever you’re eating, can you add more butter or olive oil? Or eat a handful of trail mix as a small snack that won’t really fill you up but could be 200-400 calories easy.
I don’t understand why people worry about being “underweight” unless it interferes with your daily activities or you’re not menstruating or something. By all means, make sure your diet is healthy, like, fruits, vegetables, protein, not a lot of processed food, but do you really need to count calories?
I was probably technically underweight in my early to mid 20s (just checked a BMI calculator – yep, according to that I was underweight, I was around 18.2). But I functioned fine (I did get hungry very very fast if a meal was late!) and guess what? As I moved into my 30s I became “normal” weight with absolutely no effort!
My brother and my mother were very thin in their youth and my mom even had a doctor check out my brother because he was so thin. But he was perfectly healthy, just skinny.
So unless you are elderly and frail, when additional weight might help, I don’t really know that there are a lot of health risks to being underweight as defined by BMI or whatever.
I mean we can take OP at her word. Maybe she’s trying to get pregnant and her doc advised her to put on some weight, or she’s recovering from an illness.
She mentions health reasons.
Being underweight puts you at risk for multiple health complications, can we just believe the OP when she says she needs to gain weight?
She said she needed to gain 5 lb for health reasons. So apparently a health issue did come up. That’s different from just being fine.
Just as there is an increased risk for certain diseases with being overweight, there are health problems associated with being underweight. Bone density is one example.
Yup. Being underweight is not a good thing, particularly later in life. Or if OP is wanting to conceive. Or a million other reasons. Being underweight disqualified my mom from getting long-term care insurance. She was so mad about it, but she refuses to see that the statistics are not on her side.
Moreso for post-menopausal women, but yes.
Eh, on this very page people are always saying that doctors don’t understand overweight, so it’s reasonable to assume they might not understand underweight. No, the OP does not owe us an explanation of her health issues, but just being underweight alone might not be a health issue, especially if she has a small frame.
I come from a long line of small women who easily got pregnant even if they didn’t quite hit 100 lbs as young adults, and they did not have fractures as older adults either.
500 calorie smoothie every morning – figure out what combo of healthy fats and protein works for you.
– use full fat milk
– get a protein powder
– add avocados
+1. Your blender is your friend.
When I had to gain weight in college I blended high-calorie Ensure with frozen fruit to create a sort of smoothie/frosty texture. Actually wasn’t awful. Wendy’s Frostys are another option.
I wonder if you don’t eat very calorie dense foods, which is why you get full. I’d consider adding: nuts, avocados, more olive or avocado oils. I’m sure there are more that are both healthy and calorie dense. I would not advocate just loading up on sugar and ultra processed foods, which is not a healthful way to gain weight. G00gle calorie dense foods, find the healthful ones, and add more of those to your diet and see if that helps you get more calories per day.
I have to fight for every pound and be very careful that I don’t accidently lose weight, so I make sure every calorie counts. I use good olive oil recklessly, add mashed avocado to various things, and add a good quality clean protein powder to many foods, and snack on nuts.
I consult with a registered dietitian, and follow up when needed.
I use the cronometer app to follow my calorie counts and macros to make sure I’m hitting my targets.
I shoot for 1500 Sunday-Thursday and 2000-ish on Friday/Saturday. Unless you’re tall or very active, you should be slowly gaining on 2k a day. If that’s not happening, talk to a doctor.
If you get full easily, it may be worth seeing a GI if you haven’t already. When I was trying to help my son gain weight, the advice we got was to add in more fat when it was possible. Nuts, nut butters, seeds avocados, full fat dairy, hummus, extra oils or butter. You could also maybe look for bodybuilder type meal plans. Adding in exercise may help with your appetite if your doctor agrees. But really, if you struggle it’s probably best to see a dietician.
And I forgot to add, I probably eat somewhere between 1800-2200 calories a day. I’m about 5’9″.
+1 getting full too easily was one of the symptoms of my chronic gastritis. I never had weight issues, but I was malnourished when my gastritis was at its worst. I worked with a dietician to develop a meal plan for me. I’d make appointments with both a GI and a dietician.
Guacamole, peanut butter.
I had trouble eating enough calories when I was pregnant and could only eat small (my volume) meals. I would be hungry but also incapable of eating? Weird feeling.
Anyway, my advice is to add cheese.
Do you know why you get full? (Like have you seen a gastroenterologist and had a gastric emptying study? It feels like you surely must have?)
+1
This is a good question.
I’m also trying to put on weight because I am underweight. My goal is 2lbs per month for another 10-15 lbs ideally.
I have Chobani complete, low sodium to no sodium nuts, and tuna packs on hand to snack on through the day. I try to eat 1-2 eggs for breakfast. I try to eat some type of legume daily.
I’ve also been making an effort to strength train. I find that on the days I exercise, I have an easier time eating more.
This is so healthy eating that I can’t see how you will gain any weight!
Are you serious?
Surely you must know that asking for calorie counts with no other information is totally useless because everyone’s TDEE is going to be so different.
Talk to a professional. Add protein (like most of us should double or triple our healthy protein) and fats from nuts and seeds. Evaluate your timing! You need to space protein throughout the day or else you’ll build more fat than muscle and you probably don’t want that. Eat all your protein at dinner and not throughout the day and you’ll end up with higher fat to muscle ratio.
Career advice needed! Situation: 8th year biglaw lawyer in a regional office. I don’t think I want to try for partner so have been looking around. I am currently a finalist and two different places for two very different roles, and I don’t know how to decide between them (assuming they both get offered, they may not).
Option 1: counsel at a local midsize tech company. $50k/pay cut in base, but make up for it in equity. Pros: very interesting role, would be their first lawyer so lots of cleanup to do, would learn a lot and I really like the executive team. Positions me nicely for a new job as GC or VP legal somewhere in future. Cons: high risk, being the only lawyer sounds very stressful, pay cut would be a bit tight, don’t love not having a title if I’m the only lawyer. Assume hours would be long-ish but probably a bit better than now. Hybrid, so would need to stay in my current city.
Option 2: in house counsel at a bigger company. Fully remote. Very much an 8-4 role, just doing my speciality within a legal team of 10 lawyers who are well respected. They are currently a client, I know and like them, and can do this work from the get-go. Would have a couple new portfolios so I would still get the challenge and learning I enjoy, but wouldn’t be the firehose of the other job. Fully remote, no office. Salary matches what I make now pre-bonus, minimal equity, no bonus policy in the company as a whole.
Lifestyle considerations: I can pay my mortgage with either. I would save more with job #2’s higher base, but if the equity is successful in job #1 then I could do better (or worse) long term there. I am single, child free by choice, casually dating post divorce. The schedule of job 2 means I would have more time to do my hobbies of being outdoors and out of cell phone range, but I am a bit worried about being lonely.
WWYD?
No question option 2. Option 1 is a disaster waiting to happen.
Yup. I would not want that situation to be my first in-house counsel role. Go to the client, enjoy your hobbies, and then re-assess and get another start-up job in 3 years if you want.
Agree. I’m in the Bay Area where option 1 jobs are all over the place and save for a couple of unicorn situations are generally disasters. 2 is stable and positions you to move to another solid company with a real in-house department if you decide not to stay at this one.
Agreed. I would not even consider option 1.
Option 2 unless you thrive on stress. Do you really want to have to issue spot EVERYTHING (backdated) from labor to governance to privacy to IP to leases to contracting (inbound and outbound) to banking to strategic investments to… to…
#2, no question.
Agree with the above saying #2 is the clear choice. I will add that titles don’t pay mortgages and you can’t eat them for dinner either.
#2 and I’d just turn down #1 and stay put if private equity is involved or the plan is to involve PE. Those people are absolute chaos in every way.
DEFINITELY job #2 – you know you’ll like it, it’s still challenging, it’s more stable, and you have time for hobbies? Go for it!!
I am the type to thrive in Option 1 and I say, option 2 or keep job hunting.
Do not ever take an in-house role where Legal isn’t respected. Just… that.
For me #2 hands down. Sounds like a dream job. I’d lean in hard to hobbies and also find third place (civic organization, church, friendly community yoga studio/gym) to lean into as well to work on the lonely piece.
Ok the hive has spoken! All of these points make sense. Please send good vibes for option #2 to actually make me an offer.
If they don’t, hold out for similar. Option 1 is a nightmare and doesn’t set you up to be a GC the way you think it might. It makes you a generalist and counsel at an option 2.
I’m a 10th year in biglaw, aLao divorced, and I’d definitely go Option 2. More security. And you still get the in house experience that will let you go elsewhere, if Option 2 doesn’t work out.
I posted this in the Fertility and Birth Rate afternoon thread last week but wanted to gather some more answers–Is anyone in the hive an SMBC, either with a bio kid or through adoption? I’d prefer to have a kid with a partner but there’s always the chance that won’t happen for me, and pursuing motherhood is a non negotiable, with or without a husband. I’m turning 30 this year so still a few years out from having to make the decision (the vague plan I have in my head is starting around 34 if I am still single) but want to start getting the full picture of what to expect if I do end up choosing that path.
(and thank you to the posters who responded last week!)
No, but also turning 30 and definitely want to be a mom but as a currently single woman wondering what this will look like!
4 rounds of IVF into trying to be!
Good luck!! Sending lots of positive vibes your way for round 4
I follow someone on Insta who just become a single mom by choice @lizclaire_
I’m not, but one of my friends is (she had twins) and her mother helped a LOT, moved in for awhile, etc. Anecdotal, of course, but strong family support can be really critical.
For sure, this seems to be the key. I’m lucky that my parents and I live in the same metro area so I’d plan to move to my parents’ suburb for the kid’s adolescence.
out of curiosity, why are you planning to move when the kid’s older, but not before?
Sorry, unclear wording on my part. I’d move before the kid is born through at least middle school.
Hi – SMC here with a daughter who is now an adult. Far and away the best decision in my life.
If you have specific questions, I am happy to answer them. My first piece of advice is to join Single Mothers By Choice. They have meetings in a lot of major cities and a very active bulletin board. That will help you determine what issues you need to be thinking about for your specific circumstances.
I moved to the same city as my family before I got pregnant because I knew my mother would be my biggest supporter. She was still working full time when my daughter was born but having someone I could call in an emergency was priceless (although I had multiple levels of paid child care in addition to her so it was pretty rare that I needed to call on her). Also I was working full-time in a litigation firm through my daughter’s entire childhood but I accepted that I took a major hit to both my salary and professional advancement. That was a price I was willing to pay but I definitely paid it.
Again – let me know if you have specific questions.
Thank you! That is amazing to hear.
The logistics are the biggest question for me–how difficult was it to juggle working with your daughter? How often did you run into situations where being a solo parent made things more difficult? (Emergencies, etc.)
I’m also curious about SMBCs who continued to date or started dating again after their child grew up a bit. How difficult or easy was that to navigate, etc.?
I cannot answer the dating questions because my solution was just not to do it. I tried a few times, but found that (1) spending $$$ on a sitter so I could have what was usually an indifferent dinner was not how I wanted to spend my time or my money and (2) generally most people want more than just dinner on Friday night. They want to spend weekends and evenings together. And I was not willing to either introduce my daughter to a string of men who would likely disappear or to cut my already limited time with her. I know some people make that work. I was just not one of them.
Logistics – I am a planner. I had full-time daycare that was open from 6 to 6, although I did not usually need to use those hours. I had my parents. I had three different paid emergency back-ups. And I did a lot of favors for other people (other attorneys in my office; other moms of kids in the day care, a SAHM on my street) so I had people who were willing to help out when needed. I took a new job when my daughter was an infant (my job when she was born required too much travel to work long-term) and made full disclosure before they hired me that I was a single mother with an infant and that limited my ability to do things like work late without advance notice. Genuine emergencies where I had a conflict that could not be solved by getting someone to sub in for me were rare. The one time I had to leave for a medical emergency we just suspended the deposition I was in (which I would have needed to do regardless of whether I had a partner).
And honestly people all knew I had a kid and I was not afraid to pipe up and say “hey, my daughter’s day care is calling. Can we take a 5 minute break?” or “Those deposition dates out of state will not work for me because my parents are travelling and I do not have child care.” Even in law people were generally not jerks about family obligations and the few times someone tried they usually got shut down fast because I had a reputation of not being a jerk about other people’s personal issues. Did I get paid less than I would have if I had been available more? Yes. Did I make partner? No. Was that trade-off worth it for me? Absolutely.
I am a SMC. Do you have any particular questions?
There are a lot of Facebook groups and many cities have local groups that meet up. I found it helpful to talk with others thinking about the same path, and like the idea of my daughter knowing only kids like her as she grows up.
I was considering it in my late 30’s, after my mother came to me and offered to help me. Honestly, I would have never been brave enough to consider it until she came to me. Sadly, she died suddenly soon after, so I gave up and never had a child.
But several of my good friends had kids on their own with sperm donors. On friend started, and had a child so lovely that her best friend went on to have a child using that same sperm donor. So now my two friends each have a child that has a “sibling”. Kids are totally different, and love each other deeply. They are the most wonderful big extended family. Everyone is so loved and amazingly well adjusted. But Mom’s struggle with childcare and throw money money money at everything.
I am not, but a good friend is – she has a 4 year old and contemplating a second child. She has a great job that pays well (allowing her to throw money at many problems) that also is fairly flexible now that she’s more senior, and her parents are super supportive. They don’t live in town now, but will likely retire here soon. She seems very happy.
My best friend is a SMBC! I admire her braveness and strength so much! She dated all through her 30s, hoping to meet someone, but then decided at 40 to go ahead because having children was more important to her than waiting for a partner. She looks very happy; actually much happier than my married friends who have lazy or unequal partners that just get in the way and create extra emotional work! She also planned ahead and got matched with a wonderful Au Pair for 2 years, so she had very reliable childcare. Then her child transitioned to daycare/Montessori. She’s shared privately that there have been hard moments, but she also has family in the area, is very sociable and extroverted,and so she has lots of friends groups and created an extended network for herself.
For the other poster above worried about always being single, if I had really wanted a family, I would have preferred the SMBC route 100% more rather than settling for an okay or not great guy. Now that I’m in my mid-40s, my mom friends and co-workers are very open about how terrible their spouses are.
I started as a SMBC through adoption, but married along the way and then adopted again. My position is that one is not harder than the other, just different.
I would agree with this. Obviously I have not been married or parenting with another person, but I pretty regularly read this site and think it sounds much easier to just do everything myself rather than constantly battle with another person over division of labor or compromise over parenting decisions.
Paging AnonNY from Friday’s post on having a 3rd kid when you are pushing 40. I didn’t get a chance to weigh in, but a lot of the commentary was on having a baby at 40 and less about a 3rd. I had my 3rd at 36 and honestly, it was such a good decision and I’d make it again in a heartbeat now, at 41, and have a 4th-if there was a guarantee it would be as as easy is my 3rd. There are exceptions, of course, but the vast majority of 3rd kids I know are by and large easy kids. My kids were 6 and 3 when the 3rd showed up and the older two were a lot more helpful that I’d imagined they would be.
I would caution you that going from 2 to 3 kids is a different ballgame of kid chaos. You should be prepared to be a kid/family-centric home. If your spouse has 2 kids, you’ll still have one- being alone is much more rare. Childcare and logistics is going to forever be a headache. You’ll probably need a different car. You’ll need to build a village to help shuttle the kids in 3 different places. If all that sounds good, then seriously, my 3rd is a rockstar and I would have had her at 50 if that was my only option. :)
+1 on the logistics challenges. We travel a lot internationally (still) but it means many more hours searching for accommodations that will accommodate 5 without breaking the bank.
We have 3 not intentionally (1 baby then surprise twins) and I have found it super super overwhelming at times. Especially when all 3 want a hug and I only have two arms. Being touched out by 50% more kid touches over 2 kids has been hard on my relationship with DH because I just get so touched out.
Three is wonderful because I find there is less pressure on any one of the sibling relationships but it is 50% more kids than 2 kids and you are rarely alone. I took just one kid to the mall this weekend and it felt like a mini vacation vs the ordeal it felt like with my first at the same age.
I’m not sure if 37 counts as pushing 40, but I am 37.5 and pregnant with my fourth. I’m more nauseous this time, but re: aches and pains it’s been a lot easier than my third at 34. In terms of energy, I probably had more with my first when I was late 20s, but at the same time I’m in the flow of kids now, I have more experience so I don’t have to expend so much energy “figuring it out”, and I haven’t slept through the night in practically 9 years so this is just my new baseline, lol. I think it’d be a lot harder to have a big age gap, honestly; once you are out of toddler stage it probably feels tiring to get back into it.
That said, I am done after this. I will be ready to turn the page once I turn 40 and enter the land of big kids and no naps. But four kids is also plenty. If I really wanted another kid and could get it in before 41, I would.
I’m 37 and I definitely feel like I’m pushing 40 :)
Thanks everyone! I appreciate the food for thought here. I love having 2 now that my 2 are walking, so I imagine the additional energy of a 3rd would suit me too (once they are mobile…)
“Taking a break” anon from the weekend thread–I could have written your post two years ago (and wrote a few quite similar to it!). I was dating a great guy who adored me and treated me like a princess and I couldn’t figure out why I constantly was ruminating over “is this right for me/is this what I want?”. The anxiety was debilitating. I broke up with him and kept waiting for the regret to come and…it never did. Something that one of the posters here said to me that really stuck with me was basically “Women are told that a guy being devoted and caring is all that’s necessary to love him. There is more to it than that, and often there is an intangible ~something~ that the right guy(s) will have that the others don’t.”
Once I had broken up with him, I was able to look back on the relationship several months later and see really glaring incompabilities that we had (nothing negative on his part, just differences) that were causing my anxiety, I just couldn’t name it at the time. I don’t know you or your BF, but from my experience, something probably is not right, and your anxiety is warranted. I’d also recommend reading “The Truth That Lives There” essay by Dear Sugar.
Not the Anon from last week, but I wholeheartedly agree with this.
Forgive me if this is too personal, but how did you go about breaking up with this great guy? I think I’m in this situation and I can’t imagine how I would actually end it. My wonderful family adores him.
Not OP of this thread but I stayed married to a great guy for way way too long because I liked him, our families became friends, I couldn’t imagine life without him even though I knew it wasn’t the right partnership for me, etc. You just have to rip the bandaid off. I moved out six months ago and haven’t had a single regret. I stayed for far too long because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
It was really, really hard. There’s a funny line from Seinfeld that totally applies here–breaking up is like tipping over a vending machine. It takes a few tries.
Originally I was like OP. I voiced my anxieties and issues to him and we tried to work through it. I went to therapy and tried to work through it individually as well. We took a break for a few weeks and got back together. A few months later, I got very, very worked up and broke up with him in a pretty sudden, not nice way–just announced I was breaking up with him and shut down. We talked about it the next day and got back together, primarily because I felt so bad about how I handled the situation.
Finally, after another few months, I really settled on my decision and went to him with my intention set. I basically framed it as “You know I’ve been having these anxieties and issues and though we’ve worked on it it’s not getting better. You deserve to be with someone who looks towards a future with you with excitement and anticipation and I do not feel that way. I don’t fully understand why and I am sorry for the pain I know this is causing you.” It was so difficult but in the conversation I just kept telling myself that I had to keep pushing through and if I doubled back on anything, I would just have to go through this again at a later time. As Senior Attorney says, the only way out was through.
He did not take it well, and we had several follow up conversations where I held my ground but tried to be as emotionally open and kind as I could. We don’t keep in touch but from what I can see on social media he appears to be doing okay. I hope he finds someone amazing, but I haven’t ever regretted breaking up with him.
Thank you for sharing, Anon88 and Thread OP. That must have been incredibly hard for both of you. I have so many mixed emotions about my great guy, but I know with absolute certainty I would never move in with him or marry him. I don’t really miss him when we’re apart. I’m sure I’ll reflect on both of your stories as I work my way through my situation.
Best of luck, 1:46 anon. It’s an unbelievably hard situation to be in. Something else someone said to me as I was working through my situation was that the answers to our questions like this aren’t always immediately available to us, and “thinking on them” extra hard doesn’t necessarily make them come faster. But they will come to you in time.
I quantify that intangible something (as a happily but later in life first-marriage married person) as “comfort” like I felt my husband was a family member I just hadn’t met yet (not in a creepy way). I felt I could be 100% of myself around him without holding back. I never had to “perform” or censor myself or catch myself. It just felt comfortable. It wasn’t the same as the obsession or raging desire or toxic attraction I’d felt before, it just felt…right.
Would love recommendations of packaged snacks that are dairy- and soy-free and don’t contain a zillion weird processed ingredients. I’m on a dairy and soy free diet for a few months, and while I can meet my nutritional needs just fine with stuff like hard boiled gags and jerky and nuts, sometimes you want something salty and crunchy (basically the niche that Pirates Booty or Moon Cheese fills). Ideas? Many of the vegan snacks at WF either have soy or are full of unpronounceable ingredients.
I love just plain, normal pretzels. I eat them almost every day for a snack. Honestly one of my favorite foods! I also enjoy tortilla chips (with or without salsa / dip) for a healthy enough salty, crunchy snack.
dipped in peanut butter or almond butter!!
I mean, Fritos are just corn, corn oil, and salt. A lot of potato chips are similar. It’s the flavorings that get you into unpronounceable ingredient territory.
Lundberg rice crackers? The thin ones are nice and crunchy.
Potato chips!
Some seasonings contain dairy, so read the labels. Plain old salted chips are nothing but potatoes, oil and salt.
I find the Wonderful flavored pistachios to be more snacky and less, well, nut-like than other nuts. The chili flavor will satisfy a Doritos craving for me.
Popcorn you pop at home from kernels. Once it’s popped, spray with an olive oil or avocado oil spray and add seasonings. Salt and pepper are obvious. Nutritional yeast tastes good. Then there are mixed seasonings that you can buy at places like Trader Joes that you can add. Toss with your hands and enjoy.
Oh wait. Now I see the packaged part of your question. I suppose you could pop at home and put into containers. I’ve never tried though.
Popcorn, I really like skinny pop regular, but trader joes popcorn with herbs and spices is also incredible.
Salted nuts?
Commiseration. I hate that the snack aisle is filled with these faux-healthy hyper processed snacks that position themselves as healthy because they use refined vegetable or legume starches as a primary ingredient.
I still eat potato chips. I like Utz’s or Hall’s.
Biena chickpeas are a packaged form of your standard oven-roasted crispy chickpeas. I also like Harvest Snaps (made from green peas) and Off the Eaten Path veggie crisps (mostly rice flour with dried lentils thrown in).
I would go for popcorn, salami and crackers, and Boulder Canyon potato chips made with avocado oil. Also guacamole.
Nature’s Bakery bars – both dairy and soy free with pronounceable ingredients.
Is hard boiled gags a typo or a Freudian slip? Because it’s really making me laugh this morning.
I lived on hard boiled eggs when I was pregnant and that always surprises people. It surprised me too! But as long as they weren’t boiled until gray, they did the trick.
I love Lara bars.
Popcorn (boom chika pop is yummy but has a lot of sugar). You can always made your own popcorn with a paper bag and some olive oil with salt and sugar in the microwave. Crispy curls from Trader Joe’s is crunchy and only faintly salty (I think it is made of lentils and potatoes)
Hippeas, the Siracha flavored ones. I think they are made of chickpeas.
I like salted kettle potato chips, the ones that are just potato, salt and oil.
Also, small packets of trail mix with both nuts and dried fruit (might be odd stuff in the fruits, so read the label).
Plain raisins with no added oil or sugar (like cranberries and some sultanas have), kid size packets are great.
Banana chips from bananas, coconut oil and sugar.
What are some non-sport and non-religious activities where you feel you’ve built community?
Book club has been good for this
I’ve somehow never found a place where people volunteer consistently. I’ll look more into this though.
Ballroom dance
Knitting Guild.
Community theatre, band or orchestra.
Disaster / emergency response volunteering – in my area things like Search & Rescue, Coast Guard, fire department, and ski patrol are all volunteer based and since there’s a longer timeframe commitment (a full year, meeting once a week + emergencies) you get to know people and they skew to the people who care about their community.
Joining the neighborhood association and volunteering on a political campaign
My local, small yoga studio. I know yoga studios aren’t consistent places to build community, but some of them are. My studio even has a book club and also service opportunities every few months.
Another place is a local civic organization. Look for the organization that sponsors the events and plan them. You will really build community by planning/doing things together. For our area it’s the Lions Club. I joined when I was 27. Was the youngest by 20+ years, and younger than the average age by probably 40 years. I love our local group. No desire to go any further up then the local club, but if you’re interested that’s all there too. FWIW, if you’re child free, I highly recommend hanging out with retired people. Their kids are grown and out of the house, they’ve worked in careers so they respect yours, and they are smart and get stuff done. They’re a really nice balance to my friends my own age who are progressively busier with kid things in this season of life (which I go to too, it’s just nice to have a balance).
+1,000 to this from the retired person side of the table
Rotary Club, the gym (sadly it closed for hood in the pandemic), local community college foundation board, most recently a local charity that raises money for arts education by putting on a design showcase house.
I miss my old book club a lot!
My goal in the next few years is to find some sort of context where I can sing in a group again. I miss it and during COVID’s worst days I was really afraid it was gone forever. I don’t want to sing in a church group (we’re not very churchy), but some sort of adult community chorus would be right up my alley.
Community (non-church-based) choir.
Is there a Junior League in your town/city? We’re really working on bouncing back from not being able to volunteer in person during the pandemic, and we’d love new members.
Library volunteering, my CSA (the farm hosts seasonal social events for CSA members),my local pub and my local yarn shop.
Masters swimming.
Shape note singing (also called sacred harp singing), including over Zoom since the pandemic.
The color and pattern of the blouse is beautiful but I cannot wait for the return of less voluminous tops and sleeves, particularly as a person with larger bust. They make me look like a linebacker!