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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Linen Patch Pocket Open Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. If I were building a work wardrobe from scratch, this blazer would check a lot of boxes for me. Non-black blazer that's versatile and slightly fun? Check. (Light blue blazers are awesome, highly recommend.) Functional pockets on a blazer? Check. Lightweight for summer? Check. Super affordable? Check (it's marked down to $83.99 from $139.99, and available in regular and petite sizes). I particularly think this is a great blazer to keep at the office and throw on if you have any surprise meetings for summer where you want to “up” your serious quotient a bit. I don't think this skirt matches, but it's a distinct possibility. Pictured: Linen Patch Pocket Open Blazer This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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283 Comments

  1. I went to the dentist for the first time in years this morning and I’m going to need a couple of fillings. I know it could be worse (see ‘first time in years’) but now I’m getting nervous. I’ve never had fillings before – does it hurt? Has anyone else had fillings for the first time as an adult and can reassure me?

    1. It’s not terrible but not exactly pleasant. If they have an option for you to take the gas, I totally would. I am in the process of having a crown replaced and the gas makes it totally bearable and lessens my anxiety.

    2. Yes, I didn’t have my first filling until I was 25. There is a little discomfort when you get the shot of novocain, but very minor. If the cavity is deep, you may feel a little discomfort even with the novocain, but if it’s not deep, you probably won’t feel anything at all. Then your lips feel weird until the novocain wears off.

      One thing I have heard is that people have different sensitivity to Novocain. If you have more than a little discomfort when they’re working on your filling, it means you need more. This never happened to me but my daughter says she is very insensitive to Novocain and dental work is painful because they never give her enough.

      1. Yes, I am someone who needs more- they should definitely check that you are numb before they start, but if it starts to wear off in the middle (and you feel anything- its not like suddenly you feel everything) dont be shy about making a random noise. The dentist should stop and let you talk, to say that the numbness is wearing off.

    3. The fillings don’t hurt because they numb you. Just a tiny pinch from the needle.

    4. I’ve had 3 fillings and some other dental work as an adult, its really not bad. They numb you for the actual procedure and there is not much in the way of recovery pain. Honestly, waiting for the numbness to wear off is the most annoying part – it can take a few hours depending on how much they give you and its a very strange sensation. Anecdotal, but be careful eating/drinking while you’re still numb. I burned part of my tongue/cheek on hot food without realizing it and that was painful for a day or so.

      1. Yes, this. It’s always surprising to me how dentists can have very very different opinions on whether and what work needs to be done.

        1. Yes. I was told I needed multiple root canals 20+ years ago. I ran out because there was no way I could afford it. They ran after me with loan papers. I declined and, two years ago, following a failed filling and crown, I had my first root canal. I knew I needed one then.

    6. Like everyone else said, the Novocain numbs you up and it’s just the injection that hurts. Be careful after because you’ll be numb for a few hours. Don’t eat anything hard. Be very careful chewing. Hopefully the appointment is in the late afternoon.

    7. Bring earbuds and music or a podcast you like. The sound of the drill is the worst part for me.

      1. This! Your questions was specifically about *pain* and I found that there wasn’t much, but be prepared to feel kind of like you’re on a diesel bus or in an auto-mechanic shop – like, a lot of noise and some smell from the drill. The quicker you can go to your happy place – I imagine myself on a beach – the quicker you’ll get through it.

      2. Don’t be like me, and fall asleep, and then suddenly move. I still feel sorry for the dentist who had to recover from that (she was drilling, and it grazed part of the tooth that she wasn’t drilling, so she wound up having to fill in that spot too. all in all the consequence was minor but could have been much worse.).

        But yes, the drill sounds are probably the worst part, paired with jaw soreness from holding it open. Take the gas if they give it to you, tell them if you’re not numb enough (they *want* to know, it makes their life easier to not have you jump in pain), and put on headphones. Also if you feel pain in a different part of your mouth than they’re working on, you’re not crazy, it’s called referred pain and is a result of all the different nerve endings in your mouth getting its signals crossed.

      3. In a standard dental appointment it’s the scrape of tools across my teeth that I don’t link, so I’ll definitely do this!

    8. I’ve had a TON of dental work done (multiple fillings, 17 crowns, 2 veneers, one root canal, etc.) and it’s not painful AT ALL, it’s just super scary and stressful.

    9. Just curious if you are the same poster as “Inspired by Hermione”? Didn’t know if you shortened your name. No advice on the fillings but seems like you have some good tips here. Good luck!

      1. Nope, I used to post as LilyStudent yeeeears a go and then realised it was a bit identifiable so switched to Hermione around 2016. After I started working at my current place at the end of 2016 I could no longer get here from work (and commenting on my tiny phone didn’t work so well) but I now have a tablet I use at work so I can pop online during breaks more easily.

    10. Same exact story. It wasn’t super scary. No pain, but the noise is kind of uncomfortable (in a misophonia kind of way).

      I was honestly more traumatized about the fact that I’d gotten my first cavity, than the actual procedure. I’ve had a couple of very minor ones (lots of “groovy” teeth) since and it’s still awkward, but not scary! You will be okay. I was super up front about being nervous since it was my first cavity ever.

  2. My husband recently got a big promotion and my family relocated to an “in” neighborhood in a HCOL city, from a MCOL Midwestern city. I’ve got three kids under 6 and worked full time until our move, so I’ve spent the last six years basically in survival mode. I’m still working and while I feel confident in my career, I feel SO out of place at some social events in our new community. My confidence has been shaken by really successful, attractive people we spend time with now, especially at my kids school. And while its mostly materialistic stuff, I just don’t seem to know whats “cool” anymore. This site is obviously a great resource but I’d love to know where else I should be looking to learn how how to plug back into the real world or, into this new real world where we live now?

    1. If you don’t want to plug into the new, “fashionable” set (and you haven’t said that you don’t, so maybe you do), don’t put too much effort to it. Join the Y or a place of worship in a different neighborhood and make friends there. In some ways I think the ones who are comfortable in their “don’t give an eff” skin are more interesting and sort of mysterious in higher fashion societies anyway.

    2. If you mean hair, makeup, and fashion, the usual advice applies: book appointments with a Nordstrom personal stylist, a good hairdresser, and a good makeup artist.

      Get one good handbag, make sure your car is clean and presentable, and know that normal people don’t care if you are “in” or not.

    3. Look around the margins at your events and you will find other folks who feel like you do. Start by befriending them.

      1. This.
        I love my kid’s friends’ parents – because guess what? My kid likes weird kids, and they have cool, nice parents. Not “popular” not former cheerleaders, not the ones who all vacation together (oy vey, can’t imagine) but the ones who’ve been through ups and downs and have advice and perspective and have been around the block and throw good chill parties and you can text at a moment’s notice to watch your kid and then all our kids do nerdy dorky activities together (and soccer, too) and “compete” by all taking honors classes and stuff together, too.
        You’ll do ok.

        3. I love this so much. We have neighbors that fit this description and it has been such an amazing blessing to our lives. I know that sounds corny, but it’s really true.

          OP: Your people are out there, I promise. #nerdsunite

    4. You’ll get there. I made a similar move (as a teen) and vividly remember feeling horrendously out of style in terms of clothing, music, everything. It was an ABRUPT switch since my small town was most definitely 3+ years behind my new city in trends. Think the conversations here about whether or not tall boots over jeans are “current” or not, where most people who still wear that style are in the Midwest — x1000 because teenager.

      Does the promotion leave room in the budget for a personal shopping session at N0rdstrom or similar, to get you some updated basics? Otherwise, try to keep an open mind as people are talking to you about their lives — being new in town you have the perfect excuse to say “oh I haven’t heard about that yet, tell me about it!” and incorporate some new activities/shows/music into your routine.

    5. I would keep it simple and classic and try to get the most bang for my buck and time. I would always go for manicures, pedicures and blowouts whenever I have be time and money. I think that makes the most difference and will make you look very polished.

    6. I got a RTR subscription and feel like it was a good middle ground for being able to update my wardrobe for special events (wedding, work luncheon, etc.) without buying a bunch of trendy, expensive clothing that may not fit well or will go out of style in a year. I’m able to have designer, new-to-me dresses for weddings, a cool leather jacket for everyday, and a nice dress for a work presentation while keeping my costs fixed at $160/mo.

    7. Ugh, I feel embarrassed admitting this but I switched libraries for story time sessions because of a similar dynamic. I was going to the one in the posh neighbourhood with stay-at-home moms and feeling frumpy and awkward. We switched to the city centre library and it’s a mix of moms, dads, grandparents and has a lot more social and ethnic diversity. I think you can update your look for you but also seek out places where you ‘fit’.

    8. I live in a fancy ‘hood in the SEUS, but lived there for 15 years as a single-BigLaw lawyer (in suits) before abruptly getting married and having 2 kids in 20 months. Then I encountered a different world that had been here all long once my kids entered the local kindergarten: women who don’t work (and yet still have fancy houses). I had never even set eyes on them, and at my first school “beginners day” I was shocked. I turned up in May looking like the Office Goth: black with black accessories and skin that hasn’t seen sunlight during the weekdays since the 1980s. Everyone else was in cute colored outfits. They looked relaxed. I looked OMG so tense. BUT our office has gone casual and I’ve gone up a size, so as I restocked my closet, I made sure to add things that let me blend in a bit more easily. And the moms aren’t as vanilla as you might think on first blush: one rockstar woman who runs our school (for free no less) is a former Big4 executive who stayed home following the most recent spouse work move.

      So: think of this as a cultural anthropology practicum :) and good luck!

      1. I love your perspective. Good reminder. I had a hard time with being a bit prejudiced about the “mom crowd,” and thought I’d hate them and have nothing in common. I am happy I was wrong. I have a lot of SAHM and part time time while the kids are little friends, and they are interesting, talented, fun, ambitious women who have a lot to teach me about life.

      2. This is true. Without these SAHMs running things, the public elementary in our neighborhood would be pretty lousy. They have the experience and the privilege to be able to choose where to put their efforts and we all benefit. (Sad to think about the unpaid labor involved, and the general devaluation of women’s work, but in this case it’s been good for me and my kid and my housing price, so…)

        1. I appreciate the spirit of your comment, but the end where you accept the devaluation of women’s work because it benefits you is exactly the reason that women’s work is devalued, so….

          1. I know :(
            Our PTA President was a Dad one year, and the Dads do an awesome carpool brigade in the morning, but believe me…. I know :(

          2. It is valued though — it is just uncompensated.

            I am sure that her family is aware that she isn’t bringing in a paycheck and they chose the value of what she provides > missing paycheck. That seems to be true only at the highest and lowest ends of the spectrum — mom’s time is more valuable than mom’s potential earning power (net of the attendant childcare expenses).

            I mean, I couldn’t afford for someone with a CPA and a math degree to be paid on the books for all of that time as nanny who also volunteers during 50% of the school’s hours and chairs committees. You can’t pay for that so you only get it if someone is willing to do it for free.

        2. I appreciate the work that the SAHMs do during school hours, I don’t think our public school would be “lousy” without their efforts. The fundraising is helpful, but some of their efforts are overkill.

    9. I’m of two minds on this:
      1) Use this as an opportunity to people-watch and figure out what styles resonate with you and what passes as the standard for your area. Are the people at your kids’ school generally friendly? Is it possible to foster connections with 1-2 people who seem more your type than the rest?
      2) Say eff this noise and just don’t care about what’s cool. Easier said than done, I realize. Even in posh areas, I have to imagine there still are some normal, down-to-earth people.

      But, I want to validate you that this stuff is hard, even as an adult. I have definitely experienced feeling like a middle-schooler among the wealthy and beautiful types.

      1. Why isn’t it possible to be posh and normal, down to earth. People have different styles that doesn’t reflect on their character.

        1. This. Everyone is responding as if you’ve said people are being mean to you, or ignoring you, or talking down to you.

          OP did not actually say any of that. She said she feels insecure because she is around a lot of successful attractive people. That’s about how OP is thinking about herself and feeling. OP, you have decided that these people are attractive and successful and you aren’t (though based on what you’ve managed working full time with three kids under 6, you sound pretty successful to me) and therefore you don’t fit in and they won’t like you. But…it doesn’t seem like you have any evidence that anyone *actually* thinks that. So I would say , assume people are nice and that you fit in fine until something happens to the contrary. You have no idea who these people are or where they came from (or which of these lovely polished women *also* had to learn how to fit in when they got there).

    10. If there is someone you’ve become kind of friendly with who has good style, I might see if she wants to spend a girls’ day shopping. I’d probably make fun of myself a little and say, “well Old Town style clearly isn’t cutting it here, want to go shopping with me to update my look?”

      1. I’m giggling and thinking of you becoming a “mean girls” (or, more classical, Emma) type project for the cool girls. But yes, it’s really hard, even as an adult. I feel you.

        1. LOL, love this. My thought was that if it was approved by an in-mom, I’d be more confident wearing it and that I was fitting in. Juvenile, possibly, but true.

    11. To answer your question of how to plug into trends, the easiest I would recommend for you is Inst@gr@m and to be more observant of your neighbors since you’ve kept your nose to the grindstone now. Celebs and bl0ggers share things instantly with IG subscribers, so that’s one very easy way to know what’s ‘cool.’ Being more aware of when you are out among your new neighbors will also help – maybe you catch one carrying a cup from a restaurant and now you’ve learned about a new lunch place for the weekend. Making conversation with them may shed some light on a fun activity your kid might be interested in or a great nail salon you didn’t know was nearby. Once you have information of what’s ‘cool’ these days, then just rely on yourself to know what’s you and that you are awesome just as you are and can pick and choose what new things about your area you want to take part in or not.

    12. Just live your own life and be yourself. Why do you want to self-flagellate over something as shallow and meaningless as appearances? Assuming you have good basic grooming and hygiene habits, don’t change yourself to fit in with this crowd. It’s never worth it to change yourself for appearances only – work on changing if you want to be a better friend, parent, or neighbor instead.

    13. Since you chose the user name “Feeling Frumpy” I assume you’re asking about how to upgrade your look. In your situation, I needed about 4 to 6 good casual outfits. (At the time, all I had was work clothing and schlumpy clothing. Nothing in between.) I realized these women looked really pulled together AND really casual, at the same time. Some of that is grooming — good haircuts and shiny hair, pedicures, moisturized skin, a bit of make-up.

      The rest happens from shopping as carefully for your casual clothes as you do your work clothes. If I were you, I’d want to start with four to six casual outfits.

      I’d buy one pair of trendy booties, one pair of trendy (fashion) sneakers, and one pair of trendy sandals.

      Then add one or two athleisure looks (if that’s your thing): black leggings, gearish tunics or jackets. Those with your trendy sneakers will take you a lot of places in my neighborhood.

      Then get 3 to 4 casual outfits. I’d start with two pairs of jeans in updated cuts. Two t-shirts that fit you really well (necklines are flattering, sleeves a good length for you, the kind of drape that you like). Two blouses that will work with your jeans. And then a casual jacket (style could be denim, moto, baseball jacket, or field jacket) and another type of topper (I’d do a very long cardigan, because that’s how I roll.) For summer, I’d add a casual dress (you can wear any of the shoes with it). If you have the money, a Nordstrom stylist should be able to help you pull together these looks.

      For how to know what to look for, I wouldn’t look at this site — I like it for a lot of things, but the clothes here are for offices, and often skew (in my opinion) quite frumpy and conservative. Next time you’re with these moms, notice what types of clothing go into their outfits. Are they wearing jeans, blouses, and scarves? Sneakers, leggings, and hoodies? Sneakers and dresses? Cropped flared jeans and t-shirts?

  3. I have pneumonia and am on bed rest and bored out of my mind. Suggestions to help pass the time? Unfortunately due to the cough I’m not able to sleep.

    1. The obvious suggestions here would be catching up on some good TV shows, if thats your thing. Do you have an Audible account? Sometimes I like relaxing with an audiobook vs actually reading and there are some phenomenal full cast productions – Lincoln in the Bardo comes to mind. Podcasts would also be good and there are infinite options from fiction to true crime to lifestyle. Hope you’re feeling better soon!

      1. +1 on Lincoln in the Bardo audiobook. It’s so much more of a performance piece than a novel.

    2. Oh no, best wishes for a quick recovery. I’m late to the game on this but the NYT podcast Caliphate is incredible. Heartbreaking, informative, and gripping. I’m on episode 3 and plotting ways to binge listen to it this weekend.

      1. I spent a rainy weekend finishing a craft project while listening to this last winter – highly recommend

    3. I just binge read the Elin Hilderbrand Winter Series – 4 books, easy reading, couldn’t put them down!

    4. I streamed shows my husband would have hated, read fluffy books on my iPad, and played with a foreign language app and a Solitaire app. I also had Pandora going for hours on end, playing soothing things like Spanish classical guitar. Before he left each day my husband made a vat of hot tea and put it into a Thermos. I also put a stool in the shower so I could sit and steam out without getting exhausted.

    5. If you never explored Reddit, now is a great time to start. You hear a lot about the crappy parts of the website but there are some awesome places on there too. If you have any hobbies, I bet there is a subreddit for that. I have a not common breed rescue dog and there is a breed group for her on there.

      For fun “pass the time” stuff, try r/AskReddit, r/funny, r/tifu, r/wholesomememes, r/lifeprotips, r/showerthoughts, r/upliftingnews, r/todayilearned, r/explainlikeimfive, r/funny

      If you like animals, r/dogswithjobs, r/aww, r/eyebleach, r/notmycat, r/stolendogbeds

      Easiest way to get started is to created an account and subscribe to the subs (the things I wrote above) that interest you. You can also just browse it without an account I think.

    6. Get your doc to prescribe the good cough syrup with hydrocodone – it will knock you out.

      1. Don’t do this if you have pneumonia. The feeling of drowning in your sleep that you wake up from can actually be drowning. You need to be able to wake up if you have pneumonia. Sorry.

    7. Judge hodgeman, wait wait don’t tsll me and dan savage are my favorite fun podcasts. Shrill I’m Hulu is an awesome show.

    8. I just watched a new TV show on Netflix called The Calling. It’s three millenial travel bloggers bopping around India and doing silly challenges, but it’s very lighthearted and the scenery is BEAUTIFUL.

  4. I’m taking my cat to the vet to have her teeth cleaned tomorrow for the first time. Any advice? Thank you!

    1. I get my dog’s teeth cleaned every year. Be prepared for some potential stomach upset (diarrhea or vomiting) – apparently anesthesia slows digestion and can produce some tummy troubles. I think this is the same for dogs and cats both.

    3. My cat has to go under general anesthetic to get his teeth cleaned. I’m not sure if that’s the plan for your kitty, but be prepared that they might have to do it for the vet’s safety. I typically take him in before work and pick him up after work – that way the vet is monitoring him all day as he’s coming out of the anesthesia.

      1. Wow — this seems extreme. Thanks to Joan Rivers, I now think that anesthesia is a good way to die in an office setting (even for pets). Is there a greater risk from just not doing the teeth cleaning (like in the wild, is there some proxy for teeth cleaning that doesn’t exist in people’s houses)?

        1. Indoor cats tend to live a lot longer than wild cats, so there is less of a need for teeth cleaning for wild cats. But, no, I don’t think there is a proxy for teeth cleaning that doesn’t exist in a home. I’ve always feed my cats a mix of wet and dry food, and have never had to do a teeth cleaning

          1. My fourteen year old cat thinks she is a dog and chews on their toys: antlers, hooves, etc…she has never needed a teeth cleaning. We feed high quality dry food – wet food only as a treat – and she crunches it into tiny pieces.

            As a practice, I limit anesthesia on my animals unless absolutely necessary.

          2. Some of it is just the specific cat. It may be genetic or a specific behavior. But we had two cats, a mother and son, who we adopted as kittens (the mom was about 11 months old and the son about 8 weeks). They always ate the same food, a combination of wet and dry. The mom never needed a teeth cleaning, and the boy cat needs them regularly.

        2. I’m the person you’re responding to – my cat has a medical condition that requires him to go under general anesthesia maybe once every 12-18 months, so I get his teeth cleaned when he’s already under. He’ll be 15 years old this year and I’ve only gotten it done twice, but I think I’ll start doing it more often. His teeth are in good shape and I want to keep them that way as he ages.

          Wrt to your question generally, I trust my vet’s opinion as to whether the risks of anesthesia outweigh the risks of not getting X procedure done. I started getting my cat’s teeth cleaned when he had noticeable inflammation of his gums. One cleaning and it was totally resolved. I imagine he’s much more comfortable now, too.

        3. A quick scraping while awake can pop big plaque/tartar off, but the ensuing scratches actually make the teeth *more* hospitable to future plaque/tartar growth. Additionally, the major benefits of a cleaning happen from cleaning at and above the gumline, which you can’t do effectively unless the animal is anesthetized. Lastly, if/when an extraction is necessary, it can be done at that time, rather than requiring another appointment/surgery date. It’s not done for the convenience of the vet or staff. *source – was a vet tech in college

          Just like people, animals have familial disposition towards good/bad/ugly teeth and comparatively soft or hard enamel. Also, fluoridated water has the same effect on puppy/kitten teeth as on human teeth.

        4. Yep, it requires general anesthesia and there are non-trivial risks. That’s why we’ve never had our dog’s teeth cleaned. I personally know 3 people who lost young, healthy animals (2 dogs, 1 cat) when they went under anesthesia and in no case did it appear the vet or vet techs were negligent in any way. It just happens sometimes as a freak reaction, just like people sometimes die under general anesthesia. I’m sure that not keeping our dog’s teeth clean is shortening her lifespan by a few months, but I’d rather do that than risk losing her tragically at a young age.

        1. This is absolutely normal and standard for cats and yes the cat should be at the vet for awhile afterward to recover. Good for you! It may keep him from having to have teeth removed later- which is Not Fun.

      3. My dog gets put under as well whenever she gets her teeth cleaned. It’s vet’s protocol so it’s a little less traumatizing for the pets to have people digging at their mouths for an hour. Then my vet watches her as she comes out of it and lets me know when she’s back to normal and ready to be picked up. I think my dog is groggy for the night, but never throws up/has any other problems.

    4. A lot of dental stuff going on today. If your cat needs fillings, check with the advice up above!
      Srsly hope it goes well

    5. My cat had a tooth cleaning and while under they took X-rays of his teeth and found out that he has a not super uncommon auto-immune thing that cats can get where their body attacks the roots of their teeth. Consequently, he had to have a bunch of teeth removed. So that was a fun unexpected $1.5k vet bill. But I don’t want the guy to be in pain, so it was good he needed a tooth cleaning! I would just prep her as you do for any vet visit. Trim nails, brush fur, etc. Mine was super groggy the whole day, but a part of that was that he was on pain medications. He kept trying to jump up on furniture (desk, couch, etc.) and missing, so I had to keep a close eye on him for that whole day.

      Some cats just need their teeth cleaned more often than others. I feed mine wet and dry, but he still needs it every couple of years. The vet said that unless my little guy let me brush his teeth at home, there was really nothing I can do.

    6. Totally normal to give anesthesia. My dog tolerates it well. Never had an issue with bad tummy or anything. In fact, I credit it for why he’s still here with me. In July the vet found a melanoma tumor on his upper jaw during routine cleaning that I never would have seen until much later otherwise (he was eating totally normal and it was way back in his mouth). I was able to get it removed right away and have an oncologist put him on immunotherapy. Most dogs wouldn’t live more than 3 months without immunotherapy (and it’s worse if the tumor has spread to the chest or lymph nodes–that’s where it goes next). He’s got a prognosis of 1.5+ years. I know that may not seem like a lot. But to me every single day has been a gift. Like this is the summer where we do everything to make it count.

      Truly I can’t stress enough the value of having their teeth taken care of. Most folks won’t deal with cancer like this. But just like with people, dental health plays a big role in their heart health. And it also impacts day to day comfort and odor.

  5. I have terrible genetics and have had a lot of fillings. I used to really strongly dislike the dentist but in the last few years I’ve been much happier with dental care overall. When I found my new dentist, I was pretty upfront about the fact that I’d experienced pain in the past and because of that I was quite anxious. I experienced pain because I don’t always go numb, but from what I understand that is very rare. (Not panic attack anxious but really uneasy by my own standards). As a result, there is a note in my file and they are always very careful to tell me what they are going to do, what it should feel like (pinch, pressure, small pain for a moment, etc.), and I can raise my hand at any time to get them to stop. That has really helped me because it gives me back the sense of control to some extent.

    In terms of cavities, my practice uses a numbing gel first, then uses a small needle to inject the novocaine (numbing stuff). Because of the numbing gel, I barely feel the needle with the novocaine. I don’t find it hurts any more than a vaccination and it is over in about 5 seconds. For me, because I don’t go numb they often inject novocaine in a few different places so that takes up to maybe 30 seconds maybe a bit longer, like a minute. Then they wait a few minutes and come back to check you are numb with a regular dental instrument. For me, they poke all over the place and pretty hard to be confident I’m numb. If I’m not, it hurts for a split second and I raise my hand and they do more numbing gel and more novocaine. Drilling out the cavity feels like pressure, sometimes a lot, and there could be some general discomfort from the pressure, but I wouldn’t say I feel pain and you’re not supposed to. Then depending on the location of the cavity they put a little metal circle around your tooth to help them get the filling the right shape. That can pinch a little but where the metal touches your gums, but it feels like being pinched and is not worse than that. Putting in the filing material doesn’t hurt at all, then they harden it with a UV light, also no pain. Then they typically have you bite down on special paper to see if the filing is the right shape. If not, they grind off small parts of the filling. They aren’t even touching your own tooth when they do the grinding, so although it is a loud noise it doesn’t hurt, but you feel pressure again. Then you’re done!

    For a simple/small cavity the process might take 10 minutes start to finish once your numb. For bigger ones or in places that are harder to get at, I’ve had it take 20 minutes but never longer than that. I find it really helpful to remind myself that it will be over very soon.

    So while it might be uncomfortable at times, it shouldn’t hurt. If it does they can probably change what they are doing and give you more medication to numb you, so it is only uncomfortable but not painful.

    1. I don’t always go numb. It I’ve learned it’s because I need more Novocain than is typical. My dentist jokingly told me it was enough to numb an elephant.

      I also learned it takes a long time to kick in for me (same with my epidural when i gave birth). So my point is, if you feel things (beyond pressure), tell them. They’ll wait a little liger for you to numb up or up your meds.

      1. Just as an FYI, certain medications will affect how well Novocain works for you. A particular medication I’m on requires that I need more Novocain than usual and it takes a little while longer to kick in.

    3. +1, this is very helpful. I would suggest bringing earplugs – I find the noise of the instruments to be very loud.

    4. I am in the same situation (all my dad’s side of the family doesn’t go numb) so a combination of 1- bad dentists, 2- a car accident involving facial trauma and braces, 3- and the horror stories from my dad’s side make me a very anxious patient.
      My dentist proceeds the same way, her assistant is also notified and even if I don’t raise my hand they stop and check every couple minutes and pat me like a child.
      There is no shame in talking about your anxiety. I recently got a minor eye surgery and DEMANDED sedation and explained my history. The anesthetist held my hand as he put the IV drip and I kid you not had tiny rivers of tears down my cheeks as the doctor came in (I thought he’d kick me out from eye surgery because I cried). He put on his music, which my dentist also does and all went well.
      My GP asks you specifically whether you need a chaperone (children and adults).
      You do whatever it takes to be comfortable, don’t feel ashamed if you have an anxiety attack. Good luck

      1. This is alot like Rosa. She had beautiful white teeth, but in college so many guys gave her chocolates that she wound up with cavaties and now root canals. She still has white teeth, but her whole mouth is full of white fillings, and she knows she cannot eat sticky things any more.

  6. I would like to learn more about healthy eating and need some reliable, comprehensive and not outlandish sources. Not diet stuff. Reading the comments here I’ve picked up concerns about charred meat and rice – that I know nothing about and never would have heard of otherwise. I’d like to be more educated in this area, so I’m seeking out rational science-based sources in this area. As I look towards how I feed myself and my family long term I would like to be better informed. I learned the other day that canned tomatoes might be problematic… I feel way behind! Help, oh wise Hive?

          1. I’m not an expert in this at all (frankly I don’t care, there are so many other things to worry about and canned foods make my life a lot easier) but I think there’s concern about a lot of chemicals other than just BPA.

    2. If you’re looking for the basics, I would start with the nutrition.gov website. Its a little clunky, but run by the USDA and provides a wide variety of links and resources for educating yourself on nutrition and healthy eating.
      For specific topics, I would recommend the National Institutes of Health as a core source, and use the citations they provide to dig in deeper.
      Another method would be to pick up a proper Health or Nutrition Textbook, but this can be expensive and include more out-of-date information.
      https://www.nutrition.gov/subject/smart-nutrition-101
      https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/risk/diet/cooked-meats-fact-sheet#q4

    3. I feel like these issues are focusing a lot on really teeny tiny details and are not what I think of “healthful eating”. I am trying to focus on, like, low-fat, low-carb, high-protein, high-fiber, low-sugar, low-salt.

      Either way, Clean Eating magazine is a good source, or Eating Well if that is still around.

      Good luck.

    4. I have a lot of Thoughts and Feelings about food and the way we think about food, and so I could rant on for like, an hour. The TLDR version is just: do your best. Eat foods that are healthful and nourishing. Lots of fruits and veggies, appropriate protein, minimize the food that we all know is bad for our bodies and bad for the planet (but allow for it sometimes, because life is short and cupcakes are delicious).

      Pick the things that you care about. For me, that’s sourcing local and organic as much as feasible, minimizing factory-produced animal protein, and yes, wearing natural deodorant. For you, it might be avoiding char on meat or not eating too much rice or only getting BPA-free cans or using an instant pot to make all of your beans.

      Statistically, there is not much of a chance that the sh*t around the margins is going to impact an individual human being’s health. We’re all going to die. None of us have the time, resources, or energy to optimize every choice to minimize every vector of risk. So decide what matters to you, put your efforts there, and give yourself grace around the rest of it.

      2. Agreed!! Something is going to kill me and if it’s something that tastes delicious, so be it.

    5. Explain cooking and freezing batch meals to me like I’m 5. I’m interested in cooking my own rice/beans/legumes from scratch as well as a protein and veggies on Sunday and freezing for meal prep throughout the week. I’ve had some problems with freezer burn in the past.

      Do I let the food cool down before freezing?
      Do I freeze in a tupperware/pyrex/ziplock?
      Do I microwave from frozen or dethaw it then microwave?

      1. 1. Yes. If it’s too hot when you seal its container, you get condensation which freezes, then you get ice all over your food. Freezer burn is caused by air getting in, so I’m not sure if it’s the same thing as freezer burn, but it affects flavor and texture.
        2. Any of those will work, depending on the food you’re freezing. I freeze homemade marinara in a ziplock lying flat, other things in tupperware. You want something that seals tight and you want to seal it tight (see freezer burn).
        3. For precooked food, it does not matter.

        Note that if you cook four servings on Sunday and plan to eat them all M-Th, you probably don’t have to freeze them; they’ll do just fine in the fridge. (Cooling completely before fridging is still a good idea, though.)

  7. I’m going to be in Portland, OR- staying in the suburbs near what looks like a big mall in Clackamas, but I will have a car. I need to stock up on versatile basics for my casual office. Can anyone suggest where I go?

    1. My friend lives there- it’s a typical burb with all the regular supermarket options.

      1. I think that’s probably Clackamas Town Center mall. The Nordstrom there was decent at least when I lived there several years ago and was much less picked over than the Nordstrom at other malls.

    2. Clackamas Town Center has a Nordstrom and a Loft. You can also go downtown (~ 20 minute drive) where there is another Nordstrom, Banana Republic, JCrew, Kate Spade, H&M, Zara, Gap, Nordstrom Rack. NW Portland (called the Pearl District, 10 minute walk from downtown) has lots of boutiques and then other chain stores – Anthropologie, Athleta, Free People, Madewell. There’s a couple other malls that are across town from you (so maybe 30 minute drive, not in traffic) that will have other chain stores, and yet another Nordstrom.

      1. There’s also a Nordstrom Rack across Sunnyside Rd from Clackamas Town Center. :)

    3. For a bit of a drive, go to the Pendleton outlet in Washougal, WA, up the 205 to the Washington side of the Columbia river, then east on the 14.

  8. Yay — I’m heading to Asheville in a week. But we’re newbies.

    Grand Bohemian — the restaurant looks good. Do you recommend (if you are also staying there)? Anything good within walking distance (or will we be going into Asheville proper)?

    Best breweries to visit?

    Style-wise, I’m thinking it is sort of wear your nice REI/Athleta travel- or hiking-type pieces during the day and comfy casual tourist clothes at night. No reason to pack blazers / fancy dresses for any dinner restaurant?

    Anything not to miss? I’ve been once before (to Biltmore / one brewery / pinball museum).

      1. +1 Biscuit Head. Also 12 Bones. My friends who live there rave about the Sierra Nevada brewery – apparently it is a breathtaking property, but I have not been. You’ll love Asheville.

    2. Check out the blog Carolina Charm — they go to Asheville frequently and have lots of recs.

    3. The restaurant at the Grand Bohemian is terrific , although there are plenty of other great options too. (My favorite in town is the Admiral, but you’ll definitely need a reservation, and it’s not in walking distance from GB.) For cheaper food, I also love 12 Bones (although check their hours).
      There are a lot of great breweries clustered together in the South Slope area. I’d recommend a cab from your hotel there, but it will be a short ride. Definitely check out Burial and Wicked Weed’s Funkatorium (especially if you like sour beers). Heading from there toward downtown is Hi-Wire, which is also fun. Keep going to downtown and you’ll get to the main Wicked Weed brewery. I also highly recommend the Thirsty Monk, which doesn’t make their own beers (that I’m aware of) but has a great selection of Belgians and local beers.
      Casual clothes are totally fine.

    4. I love Asheville.
      Curate is great for dinner or just drinks and snacks if you can get in. I try to go any time I’m in Asheville. I did the tasting menu at Gan Shan Station a couple weeks ago on a Friday night, and it was also fantastic.
      If you have a free evening and the weather is clear, go to the Grove Park and sit on the veranda and watch the sunset. You don’t have to be a guest there to do this, and that is one of my favorite views in the entire world.
      Also–don’t miss French Broad Chocolates. If you don’t want to wait in the insane line, there’s a boutique next door where you can get chocolates to go.
      There is no reason to pack fancy clothes for dinner at night, anywhere in Asheville, in my experience (certainly not at the places listed above).

    5. My favorite places to eat are Curate, White duck taco shop, Limone (make reservations), Posana, and a nice cup of drinking chocolate at French Broad.
      I basically go to eat

    6. I used to enjoy Table but haven’t been in years. Now I want to go to Asheville!

    7. Sierra Nevada brewery is lovely, though a little outside of town. White Duck Taco is more casual and excellent. More in the artsy part. If you want something truly lush, get brunch or a beverage on the terrace at Grove Park Inn. You’ll pay for it (and to park, too), but it’s really lovely there and there’s a lot to just roam around and see. If you have the time and the expendable budget, the spa is beyond amazing.

  9. Any attorneys on here have any experience with unwanted touching in the subway? I was commuting earlier this week and a guy behind me was creepy – rubbing up against me even when I’d try to shift away and sniffing my hair. It was just discreet enough that I felt a little weird but also wasn’t positive enough that it was a creep to make a scene on the subway. The train was really crowded and I kept wondering if it was just bumping in a crowd or intentional. Then we got to the next stop and a plainclothes police officer escorted him off the subway and asked if they can ask me some questions.

    They took a statement and my contact information. I guess from their vantage point it was clear there was room behind the guy so there was no reason for him to be so close and they saw him let other people pass so he could position himself behind me. I was facing the other direction, so I didn’t really have any of this context.

    What happens now? Am I going to have to go to court? I was reading that the punishment for this recently got increased – My statement alone isn’t enough to send someone to jail for a long time, is it? It happened so fast that I’m not even really trusting my own perception of everything.

    2. I’m sorry this happened to you and am glad the cops nailed the guy. In the future, I would start with a firm “excuse me” if you’re unsure what’s happening and then a loud “excuse me, do not touch me” if it continues, making sure to attract attention. It may feel awkward (and of course women are socialized to not make a scene), but you won’t regret it.

      1. I was really impressed with the police officers too and am glad they’re out there doing this sort of thing.

        It was honestly during rush hour and the train was packed – the sort of thing where saying excuse me don’t touch me feels ridiculous because everyone is sandwiched together and you’re practically pressed against every neighbor. It’s just so nuanced and hard for me to articulate why my front being smashed up against a guy in front of me was fine but something seemed off about the guy behind me.

        1. Because you weren’t rubbing on him, sniffing his hair and you had to be close to him because creepy guy was pushing you? Police said he had room that he didn’t have to be that close to you.

        2. I am also so sorry that this happened to you. I know the social pressure of not making a scene on public transit is a thing, but you are 1000% within your rights to call him out, loudly on it. Even during rush hour when some physical contact is unavoidable – what he was doing was disgusting.

        3. Trust your intuition! It’s absolutely not your fault, it’s only this creep’s fault, but even if you can’t articulate exactly why it felt different, it did. Trust that voice.

        1. Funny, this (sniffing hair) is literally exactly what Biden does, on video, and you’re bringing up Kavanaugh.

    4. I’m an attorney who has no idea how this will be handled (not my area at all, sorry) but I’m honestly so happy to hear that the police actually does something about this, because it’s happened to me and it’s so gross. My advice it to just tell the truth – don’t embellish, don’t tone down, say that it made you uncomfortable and let the police/judge/whoever decide.

    5. If you do have to go to court, just testify as to what you saw/heard/felt and don’t worry about the outcome of the trial. Your experience/memories are important and valid. He was acting in such a way that plainclothes police officers stopped him, it is not about you overreacting to something ambigious.

      It’s unlikely that he would go to jail for a long time but it’s impossible to know as this might have been his first offence or he might have a record consistenting of many S. A./other crimes.

    6. You may have to go to court – if so, tell the truth. Don’t embellish, but don’t diminish. I feel like women are so often made to dismiss things that make us uncomfortable so that we don’t hurt others feeling/don’t make the situation uncomfortable/don’t make a scene, and that seems to be what you are doing here. If you have to go to court, tell them what happened and how it made you feel. Also, don’t worry about whether your statement will be enough to send him to jail. A, you’re not the only one who saw it. The police officer did too. B, if he goes to jail, it’s because of what he did, and is in no way your fault.

      But, honestly, it is more likely that the changes will be dropped or the guy will plead out and you won’t have to go to court. The vast, vast majority of cases are resolved by a plea deal, so it is statistically likely that is what will happen here.

    7. My firm handles misdemeanor prosecutions for some towns in the Midwest. I don’t know if this is a misdemeanor, felony, or whatever. It’s horrible obviously, so I am not downplaying anything, just simply stating that my experience is limited to misdemeanors. It is definitely not my area of expertise, but I have filled in for other attorneys and observed short hearings and trials on occasion. In my experience, victims are rarely involved in court proceedings and don’t attend. The police officer will read from his/her report and answer questions regarding the incident. My “victim” context is shoplifting. I’d be surprised if they require much more from you, but again not an expert in this type of crime.

      1. Not a criminal lawyer, so grain of salt. I do use police reports from time to time as evidence, and let the reporting officer authenticate and testify. If the officer put your comments into the report, a lot of times the judge will let that in as a business record and not required you to come testify, at least around where I practice. You may not need to testify even if this goes to court.

        1. Sorry but that’s probably not correct because in a criminal case, that’s a confrontation issue– the defendant has the right to cross examine you on your statement, and he can’t do that if it only comes in through the report. Not saying you’ll have to testify or not; I don’t know. But if this goes through an actual prosecution, the prosecutor probably cannot rely on the report because it violates the confrontation clause.

          1. The officer is testifying about what he observed, not about what the victim said. In that case, the victim need not be present for cross-examination, only the officer.

          2. That makes sense–esp. in a criminal case. I’m only using mine in civil, so I can see why the procedure ought to be different.

    8. So I am both a criminal attorney and someone who has had the same thing happen (absent the cops being on site — I had to go to the precinct to report it).

      The chances are high that your case, like 95%+ of criminal cases nationwide, will plead out rather than go to trial. The penalty is not something you should worry about. It will depend on his background, his criminal history, and not just your word alone.

      In my case, I testified not in open court but before the grand jury. He pleaded shortly thereafter because the penalties for him with his background (similar offenses but no violence) were not that high.

      That said, your case is important. Offenses like this often escalate, and having a prior on his record will make his history clear should he wind up in the system again. If you are called to testify, just recount what you remembered. You were facing away and not anticipating some perv would try to assault you, so the fact that you don’t have all the details is not a flaw or concern. Your honest testimony is always enough.

  10. I think I’m a passable conversationalist, but that’s it. With a decent conversationalist to talk to, I get by fine, and with someone who’s good with people (or after 1.5 glasses of wine), I’m great.

    But with people who can’t hold up their own end of a conversation well, I’m terrible. I went on a date with someone quite shy and it was so awkward. I tried to ask the boring “where are you from” conversations, but nothing more happened. And even on dates with people who aren’t shy, I feel like I don’t shine unless they sort of carry the conversation a bit more than 50%. Like I’m a little quieter than I should be.

    I’m wondering if anyone has any tips about how to be better at this. I’ve met lots of people who do it well, so it can’t be impossible to learn. When I’m the one who needs to drive the conversation/ask the questions, I feel awkward and like I have nothing interesting to say, leading to awkward pauses.

    1. I like to come up with a list of questions beforehand and familiarize myself with them. Then I can draw on that during the conversation if necessary.

    2. Well, it takes two people to have a conversation, so of course it’s going to be bad if the other person is awkward and shy and bad at talking. That’s not on you and I don’t know that you can single handedly make a conversation with somebody like that into something great.

    3. Following with interest. I heard a good tip recently – asking someone’s advice or opinion makes them feel important and feel more positively toward you. I’ve started incorporating this into conversation more. Have you eaten at any good restaurants lately? Seen any new movies? I’m visiting the city where you grew up, what should I do while I’m there?

    4. I think I’m a decent conversationalist. My major tip is to ask advice and listen to it for clues of where to go next. People love to give advice, to be made to feel like an expert. If I were talking to you, I’d probably say based on your posting “so you’re doing online dating? do you have any advice about what pictures to put on your profile? I’ve heard so many conflicting things. What works for you?”

      Depending on your answer, our next topic could be how much we both hate 65 yo men who are trying to convince the world they’re forty by way of dating apps or your photography side gig or the vacation you took where you took that picture or the merits of Bumble in particular and female-owned companies in general.

      More broadly I think the two most important qualities in a good conversationalist are being genuinely interested and being fairly well-informed.

      1. I tend to agree with asking for advice and listening for clues. I would differ here and say, at least on a first date, I always find it horrifically awkward when the conversation turns to online dating. So, I would stay to asking advice or more in-depth questions about hobbies, where the person grew up, etc. Ask a few questions until you get a spark of interest or what makes them light up. Hobbies and books, tv, etc. often do the trick. Once the person comes out of their shell a little with these things, it gets a lot easier.

        I also will have a few standard questions to fall back on if I’m not making any headway. “Any fun trips planned/where would you go if you could go anywhere?” often gets a good convo going.

        1. Also +1,000,000 to this statement: “More broadly I think the two most important qualities in a good conversationalist are being genuinely interested and being fairly well-informed.” I think of the fairly well-informed piece as being able to talk about a lot of different topics. You don’t have to know about those topics, just be willing to ask questions and be curious.

          1. I work in academia and feel like I have a conversational cottage industry in asking people about their dissertation topics. I’ve learned fascinating information about really unique moments in the history of the world just by taking an honest interest and liberally using the phrase “That’s so interesting, tell me more about [the role of Taiwanese orchestral performances in demonstrating national identify/the Moroccan pirate who was an envoy to the court of Louis XIV].” I obviously knew nothing about these topics going in, but being sincerely interested and asking thoughtful follow-up questions goes so far.

        2. Fair point! I wouldn’t ask about online dating while dating, just while talking to this poster I’ve never met.

          1. Aha! I see that now :) That is an interesting convo to have with friends or new people sometimes. My mind went straight to the date because I’ve had several first dates be like, “Soooo…. online dating….” and it gets weird from there.

          2. I love hearing bad date stories, so I ask about those. Sometimes a good idea, sometimes not, but people usually get a chuckle out of the question.

    5. Not joking – Toastmasters really helps with this. My experience is a friend’s husband who was SILENT before joining Toastmasters and three+ years later is a smooth master of conversation, even at parties. Still not an extrovert, but not uncomfortable, either.

    6. I think I’m a good conversationalist on dates. I ask the basic questions of where are you from, ask about family, interests, hobbies, work, traveling, etc. If he can’t hold up his end of the conversation then there just won’t be a second date. Just have a list of topics to discuss and ask him about. I really hate the awkward silences so I just ask questions. I also only do one drink if he’s that bad. It makes for an easy escape.

    7. This is one area where being in a sorority REALLY helped me. You have to make small talk with tons of girls during rush—some are chatty, some are shy, some can be somewhat closed down, etc. I went from being super shy to one of our best recruiters just from constant practice.

      A few general tips: ask questions that have easy follow up questions, phrase things in a more open ended way (what are your summer plans vs do you have summer plans), ask for explanations or how they did something (how did you get into your career? What interests you about it? Did you have this in mind as a child?)

      I definitely agree with a previous poster that saying “that’s so interesting, tell me more” is an easy way to get someone to talk more. I also have a general list of topics I can talk more about if someone is less-than-stellar in conversation to try and draw them in or put them at ease.

      Complimenting someone is an easy way to help them feel more relaxed and at ease and can help someone talk about themselves (I love those shoes, where did you get them? Your glasses are such a unique color, they really bring out your eyes!)

      Also fake it til you make it is key if you’re shy :)

    8. If you’re with someone who basically won’t talk, just tell stories. Literally, just talk to fill the silence, talk about whatever is on your mind, at that point, who cares if you’re boring them. “Yeah, this weekend I have to help my daughter with her school project, she’s supposed to research a biography of a famous person, but I’m not sure who she will pick…” If they refuse to put forth effort or answer engaging questions, that’s all you can do.

    9. I am in a relationship with a world-class conversationalist, and I’ve learned a LOT from him. The best thing to do… just say whatever comes to mind! And practice this often. Even if you’re in an elevator with a stranger, say whatever comes to mind and you will be shocked at the conversations you have. It’s all about enjoying the moment with the person next to you, and comprehending that the two of you are in the moment together and more than likely thinking the same thing. Also, if you go to professional trainings or meetings, don’t be afraid to ask “the question” – most likely there is at least one person in the room thinking or wondering the same thing. It really is practicing getting out of our own heads! The more you do these things, the easier the conversational skills develop. I promise!!!

  11. Hair questions! I recently have grown my hair to just above shoulder length after 15 years of having short/pixie/bobs:
    1) Hairspray that won’t leave white residue in my hair? I’m auburn/brunette and have started to blowout my hair as it grows out. No product, no residue – but I’ve tried 3 hairsprays (all drugstore brands) that give me white flakes.

    2) I bought the Revlon one step dryer/styler and love it! except one thing – I have a heavy, almost oily feeling behind my head. Guessing I’m not getting it dry enough (no product, this doesn’t happen with air drying). Any videos or tricks that would help with that?

  12. I am going to an evening “semi-formal” wedding in Southern California in July. What is proper dress? I’m in NY, so around here “business casual” at noon means all the women are in black cocktail dress with heavy jewels dripping, so I am kinda lost on what goes elsewhere in the US.

    1. A pretty dress. I’d go with a cocktail dress in a fun color or a chiffony maxi dress.

    2. I went to a similar wedding a few years ago and wore a maxi dress made out of some sort of rayon material. Think a dress you would wear to some sort of outdoor party, not a wedding. I am from the SEUS. When my mom saw the dress I was going to wear to the wedding, she said it was way too dressy and told me to wear a dress I’d been planning on wearing to dinner on the trip. It was definitely the appropriate level of dress, and I was still one of the more formally dressed people at the wedding.

  13. Can anyone tell me how Theory suits and sheaths fit in the hips? I’m eyeing this gorgeous sage colored sheath that’s on super sale, but I’m a size 12 and hippy, so I’m afraid it’ll be too tight. The dress isn’t available in the next size up (it doesn’t seem like theory goes up beyond 12 anyway?). Any thoughts?

    2. I have 33 inch hips but a 29 inch waist and theory sheaths are the only ones that fit me with no altering. Usually I have to get the hips taken in on any and all sheath dresses. So, IME as very in-hippy, the hips run small

      1. D*mn!

        I have a 29″ waist but easily 39-40″ hips. I feel like my dimensions are normal, but when I try on pants I feel very Kardashian and like maybe I could be in rap videos (if a CPA were ever cut out for it, it is me, or, rather, my backside).

        1. Try having a 25 inch waist and 40 inch hips. Pants are …difficult, dresses are worse. Luckily I know how to sew and can take in the waist on everything without paying for a tailor

      2. Cosign. I am basically hipless, and Theory fits me better than any other brand I’ve found.

  14. I’m going to an outdoor wedding in DC in May. No information on the dress code, but they are generally more informal people so I don’t think it’s black-tie (and if you want a black-tie wedding, you have got to tell people that). The ceremony starts at 5pm.

    I have no idea what to wear. I’m generally a size 14/16, and an hourglass. Any ideas?

    1. I think you should judge the formality of the wedding based on the location and what the wedding party is wearing, not what you think they will wear because they are usually “informal” people.

      When in doubt, go for semi-formal. If it’s actually black tie and you somehow missed the memo (e.g., it’s on their wedding s-te and you missed it), you’ll be okay. No one complains when you wear a pretty dress to a celebratory occasion.

    2. Can you ask the MOH? that’s usually a safe bed for finding out.

      But I’d wear an Eliza J maxi or similar!

    3. Pay attention to the weather – it could be lovely and temperate or heinously hot and humid.

    4. Second the recommendation to ask someone if you can, including the bride or groom if that is the only person you know going. They won’t mind a simple, hey – want to be appropriate for your special day, what is the dress code. If for some reason you can’t ask or they say something to vague I would wear a “fun” cocktail dress with wedge heels if grass is involved. I also like high low dresses (dated trend I know) for dress-code ambiguous options. Here are some that caught my eye —
      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-floral-high-low-faux-wrap-chiffon-dress-regular-petite/5138985?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&color=navy

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/tahari-floral-print-chiffon-faux-wrap-dress/5174252?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&color=lavender%20navy%20floral

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/charles-henry-ruffle-wrap-midi-dress/5216278?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&color=dahlia

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-ruffle-sheath-dress/4726686?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&color=peacock

  15. We have a toddler and another one on the way so I’d like some advice regarding life insurance and estate planning. How much extra life insurance do we need? 10 x HHI? Do we need to set up a living trust or just make sure beneficiaries are set properly for all bank and investment accounts? If we need to consult an attorney, I prefer to at least understand the basics first. Please share what you do or if there’s an old thread, thank you.

    1. I’m not a financial advisor, but to me it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to tie it to HHI. If you have a $400k HHI but your house is paid off and you have savings to cover college, I would think you’d need a lot less life insurance than if you have a $100k income but a big mortgage and minimal savings. We did it by working backwards – we have $X in savings, we want to pay for ABC and XYZ for our kid, which will cost $Y, lets add in a yearly stipend of $Z to cover incidentals, food, utilities. We need life insurance in the amount $(Y+22*Z)-X. And then a little extra just to be safe. We figured we’ll be fully supporting our kid through college graduation and then after that she’ll be mostly on her own (although there will likely be some leftover to help her get started in the real world).

      1. I agree with this approach. I also recommend looking at it as three numbers: (1) how much life insurance do you need, (2) how much does your husband need, and (3) the total amount if the worst should happen (which may or may not be equal to 1 + 2). Generally, IMO, you need more life insurance on the higher earning spouse. So, for example, if you make two times your husband, you guys may determine that his income would be enough to cover day-to-day spending costs and childcare if he didn’t have housing costs, but that you need enough life insurance on you to pay off the house and cover the kids college expenses.

        Also, I would get a number of quotes and consider that as well. For example, you may find that $1.5M isn’t that much more than $1M, in which case you may decide to go with the higher coverage.

    2. You will need to consult with an attorney because minors can’t handle their own money. You can’t elect a toddler to be the beneficiary of an account and call it a day, you need to have a guardian appointed to manage the money for them until they become of age. For life insurance, it’s generally recommended to do $450k-$500k as a minimum for a stay at home parent. Beyond that, you need to decide how much you want the life insurance to cover (living expenses for x amount of years, plus college?) and calculate it based on that. We did end up doing 12x my spouse’s income and 10x mine, because my partner felt that he would need less than I would.

    3. I am an estate planning attorney. The estate piece is very state specific but you definitely need a will, and therefore need an attorney. Ask around for recommendations (if you are in Texas, tell me which city–if I have recs for that city I’m happy to send them to a burner email). Some attorneys push living trusts aggressively, even for clients that don’t need them (though, to be fair, anyone with real property in California or Florida does need one). Most of my clients, regardless of net work, don’t need a living trust. I can set up very complex wills to deal with very high levels of wealth and a living trust would just be an administrative annoyance. I do, however, put trusts in the wills that will be implemented after your death. You will definitely want trusts for your children (probably lifetime trusts because they provide asset protection) and may want a trust for your spouse after your death (but not necessarily, that choice depends on lots of factors).

      Things to think about while you are looking for an attorney: who do you want to raise your kids (dress them, take them to school, etc.), who do you want to leave in charge of the money for your kids (i.e., the trustee), and who would you want to take care of your financial assets if you are disabled but still living (presumably your spouse, but a back up is also needed). You’ll want to be able to designate at least two guardians, and either a bank as a trustee or at least two options for individuals (especially if one is a generation older than you). Also, it’s helpful to gather a comprehensive list of assets (including the principal balance of your mortgage).

      1. Thank you so much ladies! This is very helpful and more than enough to help me get started.
        Also, I’m not in TX but thank you for offering!

      2. Fellow lawyer here- I was just talking to my husband about this this morning… wouldn’t the benefit of having a trust mean that you don’t have to go through probate and you can potentially avoid taxes?
        Also, what do you do if each person in a marriage lives in a different state (we are very much together, but have a complicated life based on circumstances)- how do you know which state to create the will/trust in?
        We are in CA & 1 of the states surrounding DC :)

    4. I know what our current monthly expenses are and I make sure we have 3-5 yrs worth of that in insurance if either once of us dies so that we don’t need to make any sudden life changes (like needing to sell the house in a down-market). I need to create a trust + will, it’s been on my to-do list for ages.

  16. I’ve just been placed for internship at a public defenders office and am wondering about wardrobe. I have the impression that PDs tend to be more casual than other sorts of attorneys, but I don’t want to dress in a way that suggests I’m not serious about the work. Advice?

    1. When I did criminal defense the PDs dressed much more casual than other attorneys, but as an intern I would err on the side of caution and plan on a full suit. If you get there and realize it is acceptable to dress more casually, you can always dress a suit down, but you don’t want to show up and find out you are dressed too casually.

    2. I am not a PD, but I am good friends with one. I would say, relative to my “never leave the office transactional Big Law practice” PDs and DAs are more formal than most attorneys (I’m in a big city in the SEUS if that helps). I get this impression because they have to wear suits and ties and women are heels way more than in our office (our office is business casual). I agree with Em above that you should err on the side of caution – every year my friend has to send at least one intern home or to the store to acquire proper courtroom attire because they have come to work dressed inappropriately. In these cases, it’s sheer tops with no camisole under them, skirts that barely reach mid thigh, no tie for men, or non-dress shoes. The vast majority of this friend’s work clothes come from Target/Loft/Talbots Outlet, so we’re not talking crazy high end brands.
      I think since you’re reading this site you’re not going to end up in one of these categories, just a note that it happens. Just err on the side of being a little more conservative/put together the first week until you get a lay of the land.

        1. I find that taking a cheap suit to a good tailor can make it look just as good as a more expensive suit. I have to get everything tailored anyway, so I try to buy something affordable to begin with.

    4. I think PDs (and prosecutors) actually tend to be more former. Biglaw attorneys and attorneys in transactional/regulatory practices can wear business causal basically all the time. When I was in biglaw, I would have to suit up maybe half a dozen times a year. But PDs spend way more time in court and need to be wearing a suit a lot more often. Those suits may be mall brands, instead of high-end brands, but they are still more formal than what I worn in biglaw.

      I would come in a suit the first day. First, cause I think it’s better to overdress and that therefore basically all law students should show up on the first day of an internship in a suit. Second, because there is a chance that something interesting will be happening in court that day, and you will need to be in a suit to tag along.

      After the first day, I would match the level of formality in the office. My guess is that it will be business causal, but just watch what others are wearing. However, unless you wear a suit every day, I would always leave a suit in your office in case the opportunity to go to court comes up.

    5. I did an internship in a PD’s office one summer in a vacation town where everyone is generally more casual in court, but I still wore suits or suiting separates every day. I spent a lot of time in court, so I had a lot of face time with all of the judges and most of the county bar – professional appearance was key for me because I would be relocating here after law school and would be calling on all of these people for a job. I would have a couple of suits in rotation, some shirt or shift dresses that can be worn with blazers, and some classic pant/blouse separates. I also noticed that the DAs and PDs wore the same suits and clothes over and over again, so do not feel like you have to buy expensive suits or a lot of clothes.

  17. I have a call with the policy manager of a presidential candidate’s campaign about volunteering to help with policy in the particular area of my expertise. Any thoughts on what to expect or how to prepare? I’ll obviously have my resume updated and ready. This isn’t any of the high profile candidates if that changes things.

    1. My guess is that you’ll talk about the substantive policy in question, what other candidates are doing, how you can help, etc.

  18. Attorneys/in house folks: how do you deal with clients or decision makers who don’t know what they want? I’m an in-house commercial attorney. I negotiate deals for my company, which means I often need to ask various heads of department (not attorneys) for instructions on technicalities and am not the final decision-maker on a lot of points. They go back and forth ALL THE TIME. Ex:
    Me: Can we agree to this?
    Them: Yes, that’s fine!
    Me: [sends draft agreeing to this to other party]
    Them, 3 days later: What? There is no way we are agreeing to this!
    Me: But you said…
    Them: Change it!
    Me: [sheepishly tells opposing counsel we need to change 100% of deal structure for absolutely no good reason except we changed our minds].
    This has been happening a lot lately and I feel like I constantly look like an unprofessional idiot. I’ve tried saying “are you sure? This means [XYZ]”. But I feel like they don’t get the “once we send a draft agreeing we can’t really go back rule” – to them, everything is still in flux until we sign.

    1. Here’s what I would change about that interaction:

      Me: Can we agree to this?
      Them: Yes, that’s fine?
      Me: SENDS THEM AN EMAIL memorializing. “Thanks for our talk today! I have drafted an agreement with (very specific details of what we discussed). I will let you know when I hear back from other part.
      Them: (they either say nothing, but at least then you have an email documenting you did what they asked; they respond affirmatively; or they respond negatively and you make changes before you send to the other party.)
      Me: [sends draft to other party]

    2. Send an email documenting and outlining the main points of the agreement immediately after the call to the all parties signing off on the final document. Use the reply or forward functions when you send out the draft final. This way your original email follows along with the document and shows a paper trail. It will help the backtracking.

    3. As a not-attorney, I don’t get that rule, either. Isn’t everything in flux until we sign? if it’s not, when does the flux end? See, you’d have to explain this to me. I’m used to seeing things in writing and then making changes when I see it all together. Bits and pieces of agreement or wording over email wouldn’t communicate to me. I need to see it all in one place. Then I can tell what i think. (I know, I”m probably the type of person who drives you crazy.) Can you send the draft to the managers before you send it to the other party?

      1. Yes, I almost always circulate a draft internally and wait for approval before sending it out, unless I have a really tight timeline or it’s something really basic.
        As concerns “the rule”, I guess it’s not as universal as I thought. It was huge when I was in private practice – basically, what you send out first should be your final preference. If the other party accepted it as is, it would be really frowned upon to go back and say wait, actually we’re changing this. But it doesn’t seem to bother other people as much as it bothers me so maybe I’m overreacting.

        1. I agree with you. While it’s obviously not impossible to backtrack once you’ve transmitted a draft, it’s just… not a good look, it’s unflattering to your company (as in, WTF they couldn’t iron out their position BEFORE sending this??), it slows down the deal, and it doubles the work involved.

    4. I head up a commercial legal function in a highly matrixed organization. Know that there is a fair amount of back and forth on issues that are just the nature of the beast. If your client changes their mind, they change their mind and you go with it. That said, I do think documenting some deal points via email is a good idea, but I would recommend not doing it too extensively. Try to get a feel for who the decision makers are and who trumps whom, then seeking input from the real decision makers and leaving the others out of the process. Treat each interaction you described above as a learning process that is helping you figure out who is really “your client.” Last year I had a significant deal that was almost complete. At the last minute Finance showed up with changes they wanted on two key provisions. I spoke to a highly respected attorney in our group who coached me – in commercial legal you will never please everyone. Know who your client is, and be their champion. In my case, Finance was not my client. My client was the Operations team, and I knew they were comfortable with the deal as is.

    5. YMMV, but at my company either I can do an internal memo & wait forever, or I can do a phone call with the key decision makers & we go over it all together. I also am VERY clear about the timeline and when final edits need to come in (adding in buffer for me to finalize everything, follow up on last minute requests). I deal with regulatory filings, so our timelines are usually non-negotiable unless I want to bother our CEO to use political capital to call our regulators and ask them to move the deadline- which I usually do not want to do for soooo many reasons.

  19. Can you help me find some pants? I am looking for some pull on pants in a light color (cream, light khaki, maybe even white). Basically I want a pair of business casual office pants that look like work pants but feel like pajamas. No zippers or buttons, unless the button is sewn on just for looks. Fitted, with a slim-ish leg. In my mind I’m thinking of Audrey Hepburn cigarette/stovepipe pants, but in a light neutral. I will wear these with a solid shell, sometimes a cardigan or blazer, and a point-toe flat. I have found several good options in black, but no luck on a light colored pull on pant. Any recommendations?

    3. Look at the Lee Modern Series (I think?) pants that you can get on Amazon. The price is very right, the fit is perfection if you have a smaller waist and bigger butt/thighs, they have FOUR REAL POCKETS, and the shape of the ankles pants style is what you’re looking for. A million thanks to the original poster who recommended those here!

    6. I really like the Rekucci pants on amazon. Its thicker than ponte / more of a twill but still stretchy / pull on / comfortable. They make a bunch of different leg styles and colors

  20. I was a poster yesterday who agreed that I was very naive about sexism early in my career but then experienced it to the point that I left my job last year. It wasn’t just sexism, but sexual harassment also. Upon my exit, I felt like reporting this behavior was the right thing to do – I didn’t want the women or future women on my team to have to go through the same thing. An investigation was opened by both HR and Corporate Security. I provided a lengthy written statement (several pages) and interviewed with both investigative teams for a total of almost 4 hours. I felt like I was being taken very seriously. I left the company, told no one on my team what I had done, and tried to move on. Lo and behold, I get a call yesterday from a friend who works with one of the investigative teams (but wasn’t directly on my case due to our friendship). This person told me that even though the investigators found evidence of sexism and harassment (and not just towards me) through many interviews and his very own emails, the case was being swept under the rug because he is just too high up to punish. He’s one of the “protected” people apparently and my friend says this happens a lot and that if they go try to pull my case files, pretty much everything has been redacted. This isn’t some small company with a tiny staff either, this is a large company with thousands of employees. I feel so defeated. I feel like I went through hours of preparation and interviews after feeling convicted that it was the right thing to do and it didn’t make any difference at all. What do I do with these fired up feelings?

    1. Call the local news? Take all of your records and materials, including his emails, to the tv news or the paper in your city?

    2. That sucks! I would be so angry and mad at the world.

      As I see it, you have two choices. First, try to forget about it and move on. Therapy might help with this, but it’s not easy. Second, consult with an employment attorney and consider filing a lawsuit or EEOC complaint. There are lots of drawbacks to filing suit, but it is something to consider if you are struggling to move past it/don’t want to let him get away with it.

    3. This happened to me at a Fortune 100 company.

      It was awful.

      I sued.

      It’s still ongoing.

      I drink a lot, and I run a lot of marathons.

    4. I would file a lawsuit. This is your moment – it might be hard and stressful and feel not worth it at times, but if there’s any chance of success and/or of publicizing this BS, I would go for it. Men have gotten away with this crap for far too long and you have a golden opportunity here.

    5. I did something similar (written document, interview with ethics and HR) while still working at the company (but after transferring out from under the manager I was reporting). Large company, thousands of employees, copious amounts of training on appropriate work place behavior.
      I was told the following at various points: “It’s your word against his. He’s the manager and he’ll be protected. If this is a true S.A. case then you should be talking to the police not us”, and then at one point I was treated as the problem. The case completed with a confirmation that something inappropriate had happened and that’s when it went dark for me (aka I could not get any more information on the case for ‘legal reasons’). The person is still working as a manager with no negative repercussions that I can tell. I am currently working in another dept: the environment is 90% improved, time is doing its work on the memory of that ordeal, but I’m still trying to find my usual work groove again. My trust and belief in the statements the company makes about behavior is gone.
      I consulted with a lawyer at a women’s center before reporting as I was still working at the company and she had many different options for me to pursue based on outcomes, so you may want to do that – talk to a lawyer who specializes in harassment or other workplace behavioral issues.
      If you’re willing to go to a local news source that may be a way force their hand to actually do something. Making him a public liability to their image could result in action. Getting lawyer and going after the company or person directly may also be an option for you. Depending on the severity of the situation and the time it occurred going to the police may be an option as well for you. I was not brave enough to go down any of those paths myself.
      Hugs and good luck. Be brave and be gentle with yourself. You did a good thing so be proud of that!

    6. This happened to me too, also at a fortune 500 company, the guy had SO many claims against him & so many investigations. I changed roles to get away from him, he stayed in that roll and in another one managing people for another 3 yrs… now he is still at the company but not managing people- honestly, for my own sanity, I just moved on…

  21. Does anyone want to do some vicarious shopping for me?

    I’m 4 months post partum and really feeling down about my body so shopping is no longer enjoyable at all. But my husband and I are going on our first family vacay with our 4 month old to Miami later this month and I have almost nothing to wear. Bathing suits are the only thing I have taken care of.

    I’m thinking I’ll want 2 dresses for dinners out (5:30 pm dinners lol) and then a couple casual outfits for during the day. I like brands like madewell and anthro. I love restoration and sezanne dresses but they’re kinda pricey and I feel like they’re not made for my body.

    I’m currently 5’4, 150 lbs and probably a 34DD. I think I’m like a 6/8 in most clothes but honestly have been living in leggings so I don’t even know.

    Thank you for any help!!!

    1. If you want jeans (maybe not for Miami but just in general to wear), I highly recommend madewell roadtripper. They were the only jeans that made me feel gold (both fit and comfort) a few months post-partum after my second son was born. Enjoy your vacay!

        1. Also try posting on the moms’ site tomorrow :) and check out the mom edit (all one word). Sometimes they have good clothing recs.

  22. My credit score had been in the 790s until I paid off my student loans ~7 years early this fall. Since then, my credit score dropped to the 730s. The student loan was my only debt and was my oldest line of credit (even though it wasn’t that old, I’m early/mid 20s). I have 1 credit card, which is my only other line of credit. I’d like to get a second credit card but was wondering if I should wait a few months for my credit score to rebound a bit more (it’s been very slowly going up each month).

    I’ve always paid everything on time and in full, I have no other debt, my revolving utilization is always below 30%, my income to expenses ratio is good. On paper, I should be a great candidate for a new card, except for that pesky (formerly great) credit score.

    Also, I’m considering a Capital One Venture Card but open to suggestions of other cards!

    1. That’s still an extremely good credit score. I’m not sure what you’re worried about.

    2. Meh, my credit score fluctuates between the low 800s and the upper 700s for no reason that I’m able to discern. I got a Chase Sapphire Preferred while in the 700s with no problem.

      My credit scorecard says the only thing I can do to improve my credit is to have a more diverse credit mix (I’ve only ever had cards, no car debt/student loans), so maybe that’s what caused your dip after your loans were blanked out. (Also, congrats!) But personally…I’m not taking out a loan just so I can get an extra 30 points on my credit score. From what the internet has told me, once you get solidly into the 700s, further tweaking is only going to get you marginally better outcomes.

    3. I don’t know why you would wait. That’s still a really good credit score, so I don’t think you will have any problems getting a new credit care. And IME, your credit score doesn’t impact the interest rate you are given (though it sounds like you would pay off the amount each month).

      what benefit to waiting do you see?

    4. That’s a big drop for having just paid off a loan. Have you run your credit reports lately? I’d do that before anything else to check for errors and be sure no one has opened something in your name or without your knowledge.

  23. FYI there’s a $50 off $250 purchase for MMLafleur int amexOffers apo. You mighe find one too!

  24. I feel like a luddite, but I am very curious about the new show Shrill yet unwilling to add Hulu as another subscription service. Anyway to watch besides that? I already have Netflix and Prime, so just don’t need it. (And this is literally the only show that Hulu has had that I am desperate to see – I just don’t watch that much TV.)

    1. Doesn’t Hulu offer free trials or month-to-month membership? I don’t think you have to commit to a year-long subscription.

          1. I binged it in 2 nights, it’s such a great show- fwiw, I love Hulu w/out adds. I borrow my parent’s subscription but would actually pay for it myself if they didn’t. We don’t have cable and I find it’s a good sub for current shows.

    2. I felt that way but then realized Broad City old episodes are there and it’s the best, so… added Hulu. Oops.

    3. Just get a Hulu free trial and watch all the episodes before it expires. And remember to cancel before you get billed.

    4. We rotate subscriptions based on what we’re watching, so drop Netflix for a month and add Hulu.

    5. If you pay for spotify (not the family plan), Hulu is included – this is new so I thought I’d mention it.

    6. My library gets dvds of some of these shows. We’ve watched Handmaid’s Tale that way. You could try that if you’re willing to wait.

  25. Has anyone tried Frownies on and off and noticed when they stopped using them that their elevens got worse? I am wondering if they stretched out my skin. Or made my muscles stronger.

  26. Does anyone have ptosis? I’ve always had heavy lids, but now that I’m older, it is more noticeable and I’m always raising my eyebrows (casing lines). When I look at photos online, it seems like I have this ptosis. The surgery for this looks scary, and I am reading you can have diminished vision afterwards. What should I do about this? What sort of doc should I see? I live in the NE and I assume that a local doc may not do a good job. I am upset and scared that I have yet another issue…

    1. You should see an ophthalmologist. I know people who have had surgery to reduce their eyelids. It wasn’t a terrible recovery and they gained vision as a result.

        1. They looked great afterward. It took a few months for the line to completely go away. I plan to have that same procedure when I get older and need it (as the condition runs in my family). The key is to go to a good plastic surgeon or ophthalmologist who does that specific surgery frequently.

    2. I had surgery to correct ptosis in both eyes a few years ago. Droopy eye lids run in my family, and my mom and all my aunts and uncles have had blepharoplasty covered by insurance, so I figured I’d need that at some point. My eye doctor is the one who diagnosed it as ptosis during an eye exam. I was noticing it in photos and it was starting to impact my vision (but not enough yet to be covered by insurance). Like you, I was constantly raising my forehead/eye brows just to see. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was! My eye doctor referred me to a plastic surgeon, who performed the surgery along with an eye surgeon. They did a blepharoplasty while they were in there. It was out-patient surgery under general aneasthetic. No impact to my vision (if anything, my peripheral vision is much better). Recovery was about a week out of the office. I was able to work from home starting a couple days after the surgery. My incisions looked a little rough for a couple weeks, but mostly hidden with my eyes open since they are along the crease. I couldn’t wear eye make up during that time, either, so I’m sure people thought something was different, but no one asked. Having the surgery was one of my best decisions. I’m glad I didn’t wait until it was much worse because the change to my appearance was still subtle. Although I notice a huge change in photos- I look so much more awake now. Good luck!

    3. I had the surgery and it went smoothly, no issues but I don’t know if my experience is typical. The doctor explained there would be risks, but thankfully I didn’t experience much. Don’t look in the mirror for like a week afterwards , the stitches and swelling are terrible and look like you were in a bad fight. I took a week and half off work. I used a plastic surgeon. One risk that was not called out that I do experience now is that it has actually increased the “crows feet” at the corners of my eyes when I smile. So it fixed the drooping lid, but if I smile really hard and am wearing a cakier foundation, the crinkles at the outer corners of my eyes are more noticeable than ever. Overall I was still happy with the surgery.

    4. One of my kids does. He sees a pediatric ophthalmologist every year just to be sure it’s not getting any worse. His is merely cosmetic (doesn’t affect his vision), so we’re just tracking it for now.

    5. See an ophthalmologist. Make sure it’s not neuromuscular before investing in surgery, since surgery doesn’t help in that case (but other interventions can help more). There are also cosmetic fixes… I don’t know what it’s called, but there’s a little crescent of clear silicone you can stick to your eyelid crease to open up your eye? I haven’t tried it, but it may be something to try before going under the knife.

    6. I had a muellerectomy (tightening of your eyelid opening muscles) done to correct congenital ptosis that progressed to the point of affecting my vision about 8 years ago (I was about 22 at the time). A muellerectomy is different than the plastic surgery options and mine was performed by an ophthalmic surgeon. Surgery was under twilight anesthesia and I looked like I had been badly beaten up for a week/week and a half. One thing I thought was interesting–even though mine was much more prominent in my right eye, they correct both eyes because the stronger eyelid compensates and will start to droop after surgery.

  27. The local bar association is having a Great Gatsby-themed annual meeting with a “black tie optional” dress code. The meeting is on a Friday (usually on a weekday), and attire is usually business. We just go over after work in our suits.

    I don’t want to look too costumey, especially as our Congressman is the keynote speaker. Suggestions? I’m a tall 18W. I’m pretty stumped and thinking of defaulting to a black cocktail dress with interesting pumps and jewlery, but not particularly Roaring 20s themed. I’m not even sure what that entails-I hear Gatsby and think Mary Janes, feathered headband, and fringe.

    1. I am so sick of 1920’s/Gatsby themed parties. Did anyone READ that book? It’s not exactly #goals.

      Anyway, maybe wear a black dress with a pretty cloche or turban, and a big patterned scarf?

    3. Do you have any friends who are going? Can you check to see if others are dressing up?

      This seems like it could be one of those things where they encourage people to dress up, but that no one does. If you think others will actually wear cock-tail attire (for a business meeting, so stupid), I think your outfit sounds fine.

      1. A few friends are going, and we are all equally stumped. I like the suggestion of opera length pearls or a shawl/wrap. I hadn’t considered that. I’d rather not buy anything, but I do think I have a sequined wrap from eons ago in my closet.

    4. Some details that’ll make you look 20’s-ish without going into tacky costume territory:
      – any dress with a drop waist
      – a shift (not sheath) dress
      – anything with a lace detail
      – sparkly beaded details, since it’ll be an evening event
      – a lacey headband, worn around your head
      – wing-tip shoes, or those pumps with a strap up the middle (or simple pumps, but not Mary Janes!)
      – stockings with a back seam
      – a long pearl or sparkly beaded necklace
      – dangly earrings

      Not ALL of those things of course, but a few of them will add a nice touch. Accessories are a good route if you want the option of hastily removing something and hiding it in your purse, in case no one else dresses up and you feel silly.

      In general, I’d advise anyone dressing up for a 20’s event to avoid fringe, fringe was not actually worn that much in the 20’s, and those dresses with layers of fringe weren’t nearly as common as people seem to think, although I really like fabric ruffle details in tops and dresses. I recommend doing research to learn about real 1920’s fashion, if you’re at all interested in authenticity for events like this, as I imagine they’ll be pretty big next year . . .

      1. I’m annoyedAF about all the 1920’s themed parties but prepping for them has taught me about the One Hour Dress and I’m actually pretty excited to make my first one.

        1. It is a little overdone. I’m annoyed that people are saying “ooh oooh you GUYS, it’ll be the 20’s again soon, let’s bring back swing dancing and jazz music!”
          Like it wasn’t already back? People have been throwing 20’s themed parties for years, and having fancy 20’s themed events that usually cost an arm and a leg. And there are tons of really good swing bands out there (they’re just not being played on Top 40 radio stations), almost every major city in the world has a swing scene, there’s a major lindy hop/balboa/solo jazz/shag event somewhere every weekend. We HAVE ModCloth, Unique Vintage, and Collectif! I mean yeah, I guess it might be cool if it all becomes more mainstream, accessible, and affordable but this stuff is a big part of my life, it has been for five years now, as it is and it’s irritating when people think this stuff doesn’t already exist.

  28. Has anyone gone through a personal journey of to becoming less judgey? It’s something I am working on because it’s impacting my marriage and work life. I seem to mentally hone in on what needs to be fixed vs focusing on what is good. My husband says that I sort of act like things aren’t “good enough” for me, including him. That hurt to hear. I’ve talked with a therapist before about how my standards are impossibly high (hence being a high achiever for example at work) but high achieving in these ways does not a good marriage make. I don’t think I come off as high maintenance, maybe the best way to describe it is “princessy.” I don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes and often I don’t say anything, but have come to realize that it can come across just in the way I look at someone or something. Can others share their experience on this? Are there words or phrases that are helpful to reframe when you are noticing that you’re being judgey? I realize this is a big issue and could probably warrant lots of coaching and therapy, but just wondering if any one might be able to share a snippet of their experience or some pointers.

    1. It’s great that you’re working on this! Does your therapist work in CBT? Because I think that kind of approach is the right thing to do here.

      Can you give yourself a challenge to compliment people/things in your head? On your walk from the subway to your office, find 5 nice things to ‘say’ (in your mind only) about people’s outfits. When you get home, you can thank your husband specifically for things he does (“thank you for making this healthy dinner for us!”). You can write down three specific gratitudes/nice things from your day (“The coffee I had this morning was extra delicious.” “Jackie really appreciated my contributions in the meeting.” “Husband and I laughed so hard at Pet being silly this evening!”)

      You’ve got to make appreciation a habit, like criticism is now. But I know you can do it! And it feels so nice when nice things become the well-worn rabbit trails of your mind.

    2. No suggestions as I’m the same way! Eager to see if anyone has suggestions. I’m single and there’s no one I actually like for a relationship. No one sees to meet my standards and I don’t think they are all that high!

    3. Read about the Enneagram. You sound a lot like my mom and she is a “1” on the Enneagram. It was mind blowing to read about how her “judging” wasn’t necessarily that at all, but rather her way to show that she cares/was on it/etc.

      The Enneagram teaches you about your motives (vs. a Myers Briggs, which is more about what you’re like) and it really helps arm you to handle your blindspots and how you may be unintentionally hurting others. I have done a lot of work on it on my own, but also with my therapist. I can’t say enough good things about it.

      1. +1, I’m super judgey… I’m an INFJ. I do try to question my randomly judgey thoughts, a lot of times they come from a place of feeling insecure, or just being acutely aware of EVERYTHING, both good & bad, rather than actually judging those other people/things.

    4. I feel like I’m too judgy sometimes. I’ve tried to use a very ironic tone of voice when I make snarky remarks, and also use self-employed, deprecating jokes, which I hope make me look less arrogant.
      My husband said I became noticably less judgy when a work-friend moved away who I had daily judge-fests with. Maybe check who enables your judging-habits?

      1. YES to the last suggestion. A group in my former office used to have lunch several time a week and would engage in judge-fests during those lunches. My mood and attitude toward others increased greatly just by cutting out those lunches for several months.

    5. I am a high achiever at work, but I roll up my sleeves and push the stone up the mountain. If something isn’t good enough, I make it good enough.

      There are a lot of people who are quick to complain but nowhere to be found when it is time to just make things better. Is that how you are at home — quick to criticize and only around to critique? If so, don’t be that person.

      1. “How can I work on not being like this”

        “Just don’t be like that”

        Not exactly helpful . . .

    6. I doubt that “princessy” was ever the best way to describe me but I used to be horribly judgey. On the other side, I’m actually so much happier- its much easier to make friends and go about your day to day life in happiness if you’re not constantly assuming other people aren’t good enough and being irked at them for failing you in some perceived way/judging them. For me the root of the issue was perfectionism– the belief that “worthiness” only comes from being perfect. I applied the same standards to myself and usually met them, but that was a source of misery, too. Therapy was how I got through it. I’d suggest reading some Brene Brown (who I often recommend here for a variety of reasons).

      1. +1. Gratitude and appreciation journal helped for me, as well as therapy (CBT) and Brene Brown.

    7. +1 to the ideas to verbalize the good things about your partner.

      I didn’t have this habit, at all, when I met my SO. Nothing got a “thanks” or nod of appreciation unless it was truly above and beyond regular responsibilities. After much talking, I agreed to change my approach and it has made a huge difference in our dynamic (we are both prone to being harsh judges of each other, as well as ourselves and the rest of the world.)

      Nowadays, we thank each other for most things that the other person does for the relationship. Most of these are daily things – making coffee, packing lunches, doing dishes, taking the garbage out, making plans for us, etc. Having a mindset of gratitude vs. expectation has been great, and works well for us since it allows us to each show that we recognize the other person’s contributions.

      We also have moved to complimenting each other, vocally, much more often. Whether that be for physical things (nice eyes, sweater, smell good, etc.) or for things the other person has done for themselves (nice drawing, good job sticking with the gym, etc.).

      All this positivity helps counteract some pretty deep-seated judginess that each of us carries.

    8. I am still like this, but it’s significantly decreased in recent years. I keep the phrase from Amy Poehler’s book in my head – “Good for you, not for me.” and repeat as necessary in my head. Someone chooses to say this is how they’re living their life – good for them, not for me. Someone decides to spend money this way, when they have this happening – good for them, not for me. That’s really helped in the last couple years of tamping it down.

    9. I have this problem with my husband too. It’s an ongoing struggle, but one concrete thing that helps is to talk him up/compliment him to other people within his earshot (as well as individually to him).

    10. I have a colleague like this who is also trying to overcome it. We have talked about concentrated on kindness. Like the famous Maya Angelou quote, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Ask yourself how you want to make people feel.

      Good luck! This is a worthy endeavor!

  29. My husband is going to Melbourne this winter for work, and I’m thinking of coming along with our almost 2 year old. We will probably have 7-10 days to vacation together and then kiddo and I will hang out in Melbourne while he works (and probably just do fairly low key things like zoo and children’s museum, etc.) Where would you go in 7-10 days, flying into/out of Melbourne, given that we have a toddler and will have a slower pace of travel than childless adults? (She’s a good traveler, but not a good on-the-go napper so we try to be home for an afternoon nap, which inhibits our ability to do long day trips.) I feel like it’s impossible to see the country in that timeframe and so I’m sort of leaning towards just trying to see the surrounding area well. The Great Ocean Road is the #1 thing that appeals to me, but I’m not sure how much time to allot to it – is this something we can breeze through in 48 hours or should we spend the better part of a week doing the drive, to really soak it up? We like food, scenery and wildlife. I would like to hug a koala if that’s ethical (need to do more research on that, I’m conscious about animal welfare). I like wine but husband doesn’t and I don’t think we’d be doing much winery visiting with the kiddo.

    1. I’d do at least a couple days in Sydney on either end. It’s just worth it. And then from Melbourne drive down to Philip Island for a night to see koalas (not snuggle just look) and tiny penguins. Then great ocean road and loop back around!

      1. Would you recommend driving or flying between them? It’s such a short flight, but if we already have a car, maybe we should drive? Are there good things to see in between?

        1. It’s a 9 hour drive. So, about like driving from Minneapolis to Western North Dakota, with about as many towns in between. There’s probably some things to see, but instead of killing 1-2 days doing the drive, I’d save it for things in and around Sydney.

    2. I’m from Melbourne! My answer depends if it’s our winter or US winter (our summer).

      Great Ocean Road – lovely but not so enjoyable in winter. I’d recommend driving the inland road out, staying the night up near Port Campbell or Warrnambool, and making your way back along the road over 1-2 days. Stop at the apostles, the gorge etc, then hit the towns along the way back. You can go a bit inwards near Loren to the airways where there is a fly walk, and at certain times down near Kennett River you can see koalas easily in the trees. If it’s our summer, the towns will be packed so it will take longer, but be more enjoyable.

      Healesville Sanctuary is good with kids. It’s about 1.5 hours out of town but I would recommend staying the night. It’s at the edge of the Yarra Valley which has wineries. If you stay in Healesville there are some good restaurants related to the wineries that are kid friendly and would be a good way to try some wine if you don’t want a winery trip. Also go to Four Pillars in Healesville (gin distillery). I recommend Healesville Hotel for a cheap kid friendly place to stay (old pub with big garden, you can eat good food and let the kids roam free for a bit).

      Other recs with kids – Puffing Billy, Phillip Island (or you can see penguins at st kilda beach pier sometimes). The beaches around Black Rock are gorgeous and good for a walk along the cliff tops.

    3. A few other good places to eat/drink with kids in and around town – Stomping Ground, Burnham Beeches, Point Leo estate.

  30. Am I the only one trying to order that jacket from BR Factory and the website is messed up. Every time I try to check out it sends me back to my basket.

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