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Boris the Spider
UK-based lawyers, can I ask you some questions about how university league tables work for your career? If I’m going to study, I will have to do it part-time and distance and that limits the available universities to not-so-good ones. However, once I’d finished that, the timeframe would put me in a good position to do some kind of postgrad work in person at a more prestigious university, admissions allowing. Would that make up for an Open University LLB? Am I even asking the right questions?
AnonLondon
Are you currently a US lawyer or are you a UK resident looking to become a lawyer?
Boris the Spider
UK resident contemplating studying law.
Runner 5
UK based but not a lawyer. Received wisdom here is often to ignore where the Open University fits into league tables, as it requires so much more motivation and work to get the degree, and I believe they mark more harshly than some other universities (if you’re from the US system it may take a while to get used to marks above 80 being impossible and a mark of 73 being an extremely good grade!). That said, law is a different kettle of fish when it comes to league tables. It might be worth joining The Student Room, a UK based student forum.
Boris the Spider
It’s funny, I’m currently academia-adjacent so I know that about the OU for other things, but Law always seems such a different world to other subjects. I know of The Student Room, but I’m looking more for an employer’s perspective than a fellow students. I didn’t think that was something I would get from there.
Runner 5
You wouldn’t think so, but there are a fair few employed people floating around the site, and companies often do Q&A sessions. My best friend is studying law and has a training contract offer with one of the Magic Circle firms – I can ask him to put some feelers out to find out what they feel about the OU if you like?
Boris the Spider
That would be fantastic if you don’t think he’d mind, thank you.
MJ
A really good resource for this would be rollonfriday , which is sort of like a UK version of abovethelaw and vault combined. There’s job boards, information on training contracts, info on UK law schools and forums where you can ask questions like this.
I have heard BPP’s College of Law is a great place to get a UK degree, and real Brits who did not get an LLB in undergrad often go there to get their law degree and get jobs from it at actual Magic Circle firms. If you do not have UK leave to remain or another visa that allows you work access, this will be harder. Also note that training contracts pay really, really badly, so you need to have funds saved or the like to make it through your post-school training. Good luck.
CountC
Vent alert: They have been doing construction in my area of the office for weeks. It is so loud that I can barely concentrate. The windows are out today, which means my cube is CRAZY cold. The drilling, machining, and whatever else they are doing is incredibly distracting. GAH!
lawsuited
They’re making you work in an office with holes in the wall where the windows used to be?! I’m not sure where you’re based, but in Toronto today that would not work out…
CountC
I’m in Pennsylvania. It’s not warm. They have a temporary drywall wall up between me and the open wall, but let me tell you how ineffective that thing is. The wind is blowing quite a bit today – it sounds like we are in tornado alley!
lsw
Yikes! I am in PA too (Pittsburgh – it gets cold here) and at my old job the heat broke and THEY DID NOT SEND US HOME. I left and sent my staff home as well. Give me a break, it was less than 50 degrees in our office! Anyway, I hope they let you out early today!
Signed,
I have my feet on my warming pad as I write
CountC
I wish! It’s been loud for weeks now and no one seems to care that it’s extra cold today. I realize doing it over the weekend would have cost extra money, but come on. The whole building is being renovated, my wall is just the current one that is being worked on. They are not moving us to another location, which was a proposal in the beginning, because of cost concerns. We have the space in other buildings owned by the company. The other location is very inconvenient for me, so I guess I should suck it up and continue to wear my jacket and scarf, and sit on my heating pad!
lost academic
Moved to Pittsburgh from the south 2 months ago! If we had missing windows you better believe I wouldn’t be here – it’s COLD! (Also I get migraines…. that noise is NOT COOL)
DisenchantedinDC
Ouch! They vacuum once a week in mine (don’t ask why this has to be done in the middle of the day) but I have to literally leave the area. At my old job, they did construction on the floor above us once. Nothing was done those days.
lawsuited
I’m looking for a new daytime face cream and would love to hear your recommendations.
I have combination skin (normal to oily nose and chin and very dry cheeks), so I’m looking for hydration but it needs to absorb quickly so I can put my makeup over it without looking like an oil slick. My only real requirement is that it mustn’t have SPF, as I wear a separate SPF product most days and like to be able to opt out of SPF if I’m going to an event with flash photography. The rest of my skincare regime is department store, but I’m happy to hear recs from all price points!
TIA!
anon
Cetaphil DailyAdvance!
Anon in NYC
I have similar skin. I use Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Gel.
Carine
+1
Wildchicken
I use coconut oil. Call me crazy, but I like the fact that it is chemical free.
But
But it is a chemical….?
JJ
+1
CJM
I don’t understand this, it is a saturated fat. Just because something can be broken down to its chemical molecular structure doesn’t mean it is a “chemical.” I am so sick of these snarky comments.
lawsuited
I do already have a face oil that I love, so I’m just looking for a face cream as well.
Anonymous
I use neutrogena oil free moisturizer with SPF.
Anon
Sephora Instant Moisturizer might fit what you want. I use it as a night cream, but it could totally work as a day cream. It absorbs quickly and is non greasy and I don’t believe has SPF.
Mags
What’s the deal with flash photography and spf?
DisenchantedinDC
Some of the same particles/chemicals that block UV rays block other light, like flash from a camera – bingo, overexposed/shiny face. :(
Wildkitten
[Repost] Any tips on where to buy high quality sweat/pajama pants for tall skinny men? I’m happy to spend like $100 for something nice
lsw
I’ve done Lands End and LL Bean before…can be very tough to find the elusive “medium tall” size. I know that J Crew started carrying men’s medium tall a while ago but I am really off J Crew right now so I don’t know if they have men’s PJ pants. Weird suggestion – get them made at a tailor?
NYNY
Eddie Bauer is good for tall sizes. Not fancy, but generally high-quality.
jlg
I had good luck with LLBean Tall sizes for PJ pants and other clothing for DH who is 6’5″ and around 190. Their return policy is great too.
KateMiddletown
Lululemon
Makeup brushes
Any recommendations for high-quality powder and bronzer brushes that don’t shed? I had a set from Trish McEvoy that I loved for several years. Recently the airline lost them and I replaced them. The new ones shed on a daily basis.
JJ
I’ve had my Bobbi Brown brushes for ages and they never shed. And I recently bought one of the expensive Sephora-brand bronzer brushes and I’ve been pretty happy with it.
TO Lawyer
+1 – the sephora pro brand brushes are amazing. Perhaps this is sacrilegious, but I think they’re better than the Mac brushes.
Veronica Mars
Real Techniques brushes are fantastic and affordable.
lsw
Follow up question – what are your essential brushes? I really only use an angled blush brush for…blush and a sort of nondescript brush for powder after I put on foundation, etc. I feel like I should be using more brushes. I see that people recommend brushes for liquid foundation but I don’t understand how that works. I currently use a blending sponge and/or my fingers for liquid foundation. School me on brushes!
JJ
Do you wear eyeshadow? That is where the bulk of my make up brushes live. Smudge brushes, blending brushes, super fine brushes for liner, etc. Otherwise, I have my powder brush, blush brush, and a bronzer brush that I use occasionally.
lawsuited
The brushes I use every day are: a large fluffy domed brush for setting powder, a small domed brush for blush, a medium dense brush for bronzer, a small dense brush for highlighter, a small fluffy blending brush for shadow.
I prefer natural fibre brushes for powder products, and synthetic brushes for cream or liquid products because they won’t absorb product and waste it. I do have a synthetic medium flat-topped brush for applying foundation, but I prefer to use a beauty blender sponge which is more goof-proof.
Ultimately, much depends on how you like your products to look (eg. a fluffy brush applies less product than dense one).
Anonymous
I thought using a brush for liquid foundation sounded a little gross, but then I tried it and fell in love with the airbrush-like finish. I use the Hourglass foundation one, which I think is $50 but IMO worth it (I embarrassingly now own two so I can go two weeks, one per brush, before I have to wash). I tried it in store first though before shelling out! Might as well go in and see if you like the look.
lsw
thanks, everyone! I’m very inspired to try one for foundation now.
I wear eyeshadow sometimes, but more often I just do liner and mascara. so I don’t know how worth it the shadow brushes would be…though maybe I’d wear more if I had the right tools!
Anonymous
hakuhodo and chikuhodo. don’t waste your money on anything else.
MJ
Sonia kashuk from target wins all kinds of awards for her brushes for a fraction of the department store prices. I have two face brushes (blush, powder) from her and I think they are great. They’ve held up well.
Opppp
Over the counter treatment for UTI? Not for the symptoms but for the actual infection.
Anonymous
OTC anti biotics aren’t so much a thing. Cranberry juice, but just get an RX
Aunt Jamesina
Recent research shows that cranberry juice doesn’t do anything more than hydrating with water would for a UTI. OP, you need to see a doctor.
Anon in NYC
There is no OTC treatment for a UTI. You have to see a doctor for an antibiotic. The infection can spread to your kidneys if left untreated.
JJ
And kidney infections are incredibly, incredibly painful. Ask me how I know. Go get antibiotics.
Yes
This. My mom ignored hers for way too long and it came a big kidney infection which was really bad news. Don’t do that.
I just pop into the CVS minute clinic near my office and get a prescription when I have one. I’m usually in and out with my drugs in less than 30 minutes.
Anon in NYC
Oh – I didn’t realize a CVS minute clinic would do that! Good to know.
Wildkitten
I think my doctor will call in the prescription over the phone or via email, which is even easier than the minute clinic. UTIs are common and docs know it.
lawsuited
Yep, I had a poorly treated (wrong Rx) UTI that turned into a kidney infection and I woke up in so much pain that I couldn’t stand or walk. My boyfriend at the time had to carry me to the taxi to go to the hospital. (And gurl, I’m not easily carry-able, so would have stumbled to the taxi myself if at all possible.)
Carrie....
I would get a culture ASAP, as it takes several days before the results are back and the correct antibiotic is known. You can try to clear it yourself, get a script for an antibiotic just in case it doesn’t go away, but get the darn culture. ALWAYS do this. Do not start taking antibiotics before starting the culture, or it can interfere with the test.
Too many doctors hand you a prescription for an antibiotic without doing the culture. You MUST do the culture. Honestly, your insurance should deny to pay for the antibiotic if you don’t do the culture. That is bad medicine and risky to your health and world health.
Why?
Because the antibiotic your doctor may give you may not work against the bug you have. Your doctor isn’t psychic. There are a lot of weird resistant bugs out there, and if you just got a UTI after visiting your PCP or having a pap smear or after sexy time with your doctor boyfriend… maybe you picked up a weird resistant bug. And then the antibiotic wont work, and it will take a few days before you realize that, and then your infection will get worse and possibly spread. And by the time you get a culture done, it takes 2-3 more days before you find out what the bug is and the best antibiotic might be. Or maybe you can’t even get the culture to grow/work since the first antibiotic you started too soon messed it up, so your doctors have to GUESS what antibiotic to use. And maybe they guess wrong again.
I like doctors you use data. Not guesses.
But there are a few things that are useful to know and have at home if you are UTI prone. I have relatives who get recurrent UTIs, so this is what we do when he starts to have a symptom. We are just trying to avoid another round of antibiotics, and sometimes these strategies help.
Drink drink drink like crazy if you think you feel early symptoms coming alone. This alone can help clear some UTIs.
Take Vitamin C. It helps acidify urine, which can interfere with some bacterial growth. Cranberry juice (not cocktail/blends… the real stuff) can also acidify the urine some and perhaps help prevent UTIs via other mechanisms. You can try it. We actually keep some cranberry pills at home.
D-mannose can be purchased on amazon/health food stores. It interferes with one particular (common) cause of UTIs – E. Coli. Some people start taking this at the onset of symptoms.
But always call your doctor. Always get a culture. Don’t wait until it becomes a kidney infection and then you have to get admitted for immediate IV antibiotics.
s-non
I have had 5+ UTI’s, always just go into an urgent care or minute clinic type place, walk out with an antibiotic, and am fine. I think UTI’s are common enough where you don’t have to “always get a culture.” My number one recommendation is to always pee after s*x. It’s so annoying, and I got it from being lazy, but now I’m vigilant about it.
Anon urologist
Wrong. You should always request a culture is sent. Medicine is not like a drive thru although it is treated that way. Your exposure to multiple abx will have long term consequences.
You're really a urologist?
The standard of care would be to take a culture AND start an antibiotic before the culture result is back (antibiotic choice based on local patterns of resistance and the common bacteria causing UTIs, and depending on the patient comorbities).
Waiting for the culture result before starting antibiotics is NOT the standard of care in the first world.
Don’t wait for the culture result before starting antibiotics. If the culture grows a resistant bug, your doc can call you and switch the antibiotic over the phone. Most of the time the antibiotic choice based on common bacterial causes and local resistance patterns will be just fine. You’re doc will be able to explain this process- its very standard.
I’m always wary of people who claim credentials online and give supposedly expert medical advice online while remaining anonymous.
You're really a urologist?
Sorry, *your doc will be able to explain this process.
anon urologist
Yes I am. Never stated that abx are not started but stressed the importance of cultures. I see many pts with “recurrent UTIs” that have negative cultures or cultures that were never done.
Feel free to post your credentials.
Alli
I was going to post a link to the greatest website ever invented, which is (spaces to avoid moderation) treat my uti dot com, which charged about $60 to have you fill out a survey of your symptoms and then have a doctor send in an Rx for you. When I went to make sure I remembered the cost correctly, I found that the website is “in the process of improving our existing model of care.” I take that to mean maybe something was not quiiiiite procedurally sound with their approach. But man, it sure was nice to avoid taking a half day off work to go to the doctor for a diagnosis I could make myself.
Anonymous
would a minute clinic type place (CVS walgreens etc) do this? I go there when i need a z-pack or similar for a cold. they’re open late and no appt needed.
Anonymous
Yes.
DisenchantedinDC
You could also try Amwell, which is an app that lets you “visit” a doctor. According to their website, the first “visit” is free.
Anonymous
If you call your doctor, they should prescribe over the phone. No need to use a shady, expensive website.
Senior Attorney
And also? Don’t let it go. In the past I would think “Hmmm. Maybe I have a UTI. But it’s not that bad, so maybe I don’t.” And I would wait a day or two until it got really bad. Finally one day I went to the doc the first day I had minor symptoms, feeling kind of silly because what if it was nothing, and lo and behold, the culture was positive. So now my rule is “if you think you might have a UTI, you almost certainly do, so get thee to the doc ASAP!”
Annie
+1 to what everyone said above. Go to the doctor. Or give your PCP a call, mine will do it all over the phone so I don’t have to pay for an office visit or make time to get there. I had one go to my kidneys and it hurt so badly. I had scheduled a doctors appointment for the next day, but ended up going to the emergency room that night because it hurt every time I moved.
Anonymous
Order D-Mannose if you get frequent UTIs, it helps you pee out the bacteria and prevent them. If you have a UTI you can take megadoses, but you really need an antibiotic. If you wait too long, you will be in excruciating pain.
anon
DH is planning to go to business school next year, we live in a HCOL area, and I only make about $60K, and I’m also still in grad school. He also has substantial student loans from college, and will probably be in a HCOL area for school (I can’t follow him) I guess this just means that we’ll have to take out more debt than we would otherwise, but any suggestions on how to manage? For context, I’ll be finishing school after his 1st year, changing jobs, and my salary should go up to mid 100s, and I might have to move. Between the expected financial burden and the uncertainty of living arrangements for both of us, any suggestions on how to manage?
Wildkitten
Can you move into a tinier apartment if he’s going to be living somewhere else and only visiting your home? Can he live in a group house? Get a frequent flier credit card for all your purchases. Make sure you both choose to live in the same place after you both finish grad school so you don’t make the situation long distance for longer than it has to be.
Anonymous
Don’t do it?
anon OP
Don’t do what?
Anonymous
Go to business school in a HCOL area, living apart from you, already with huge student loans, while you’re a student.
Wait until you graduate and get a better job, live somewhere cheap and together, go to b school where you are not wherever he feels like.
Debt is a burden.
Anonymous
Agreed. Even without the debt, I cannot imagine being in grad school in two different places at the same time. To me the biggest reason to wait is so that each of you can network/make connections in the city you ultimately want to live in. It doesn’t make sense to make strong connections in different cities if you plan to eventually end up together somewhere else. It sucks to have never-ending grad school (I did my 3 years and now DH is doing his), but it’s nice to have more income consistently and to be building careers in the same place.
anon OP
You make good points. I have no idea where we plan to end up, and thus far our plans have changed fairly quickly. If it helps at all, I have no debt and a substantial asset base that would allow me to pay off his current debt and business school in full.
Both of us are trying to make career changes, and I don’t want to be too picky about where I work in case this “transition” doesn’t work out for me. Or him. And apart from the financial burden, I don’t mind living apart for a little while.
CountC
I’m curious, if you have the assets to pay off his debt and pay for his B school without going into debt, why don’t you do that so you aren’t accruing interest?
Anonymous
Wait, if you have the assets why on earth would you take on bigger loans? That’s just throwing away money on interest.
anon OP
Yeah there’s an argument to be made there.
Carrie....
But that is a huge gift from you. It would also give me pause.
Meg Murry
I agree. At a minimum, wait until you graduate so at least the 2 of you can be together – that’s only a year or two right?
I feel like if he already has substantial loans from undergrad, he doesn’t get to just take on more loans right now while you are also in school, even if he’s unhappy with his current outlook. If he’s been admitted already he can defer a year (or possibly 2). He could also look into whether he can take any general classes (like statistics) right now where you currently live or online that would transfer. How does he know that he’ll like that any more than his current situation?
Why does he need to go to b-school in a different HCOL area?
Opal
Does he have to get the degree?
anon OP
eh, he doesn’t HAVE TO. But it’ll definitely enable him to do what he wants to be doing career wise, and he’s very unhappy where he is now. I think it’s a good idea, albeit an expensive one. Plus I’m loath to not support him in something he’s committed to. The money does make me uncomfortable, though.
Mpls
Does he have to get the degree now? There seem to be some reasons why delaying a year or two would be beneficial. You can be supportive without tying a rock around both of your necks, and his happiness should not come at the cost of your family’s financial security. Would it be helpful to run the numbers on what the debt (and subsequent repayment/lifestyle) would look like for a couple scenerios?
I can understand wanting to leave someplace where you are unhappy, but having huge loan payments on the other end isn’t going to help that either… FWIW, the money situation would make me uncomfortable too.
nutella
Many grad schools allow an accepted candidate to defer. Why not have him defer a year, upon which you will graduate and during that year can make moves to find a new job. And agreed, don’t lose your money unnecessarily to interest.
Anonymous
This is generally not the case for MBA programs
ChandraNH
OP, upthread you mentioned that you have substantial assets that could wipe out his current debt and his business school debt. How long have the two of you been married? I’m not a negative nelly, but I think you need to consider a few things:
If you haven’t been married very long and are now going to be separated so he can go to school and you wind up paying off his schooling/debts, you are putting yourself in a precarious position. In that case, I wouldn’t pay off his debt, I’d let him assume the debt for him to go to school (how would he have paid for this if you didn’t have the assets to take care of it or would he have chosen a different school/area?).
Save your assets for your (singular or plural) retirement/future. This is a lot to embrace all at once. Also, think about your own career, be picky!
anon OP
Thanks for your thoughts. I definitely do not plan to pay off his debt, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t let me do that- he’s made all of his student loan payments himself thus far and doesn’t welcome my contribution, so I believe him. I more brought up that point to indicate that I think this choice is less risky than it would be if neither of us had much money.
I feel bad admitting this, but one of the things that makes me a little uncomfortable is that in general I’m always in the better financial position, so the “help” only goes one way. I know he feels really bad about this, but it’s just one of those things that makes our arrangement feel less equal than it could, even if it’s not really his fault. I don’t want to keep putting more money etc into his career and feel like that effort probably won’t come back my way.
Anonymous
There’s a lot to unpack about why you feel like b school is a bad investment with no return but he’s doing it anyway.
anon OP
Oh, I don’t think it’s a bad investment at all, and I supported his choice. It’s that it’s an investment in HIM. It’s not the first such investment I’ve made in him, although by leaps and bounds the largest. Marriage is a partnership, a team sport and all that. My reservation is that I support him in his career and enable things that would be very difficult otherwise, but I don’t get that same benefit. The difference is largely that I’ve done very well making things work on my own, and he doesn’t have much to offer that I can’t or haven’t done myself. It makes the whole thing feel unequal to me.
lawsuited
So, given that you feel this way, I think asking for tips on how to manage this is premature. I think you need to go back to the drawing board with DH and figure out “if” you should do this. It’s a big decision that will affect both of you in every way possible, and it needs to be a joint decision.
mascot
There’s a lot of talk here about his/her money and liabilities/assets, but I am not seeing mention of “our money” or “team marriage” IMO, major decisions should be made as joint decision, not in some score-keeping of what comes back to me financially. A happy, successful spouse contributes significantly to a marriage even when the salaries are different.
anon OP
Yeah, I see your point. The only reason this whole thing is cool with me is because I think it’ll make him happy and give him the career he wants.
The other major point here is that it’s not just what comes back to me *financially* things tend to be this way across the board, with finances being the case in this particular example. It’s not like we don’t make decisions jointly or he doesn’t contribute or anything, but whenever anyone needs anything, it’s him, and whenever anyone swoops in to fix it, it’s me. I’m happy that I can help him and make things okay, but I guess I worry about what will happen if the roles are reversed. The couple of times things like that happened (on non-financial issues) it did not end well, and not for lack of effort on his part.
Anonymous
Wow. Okay. So you’re in a marriage where you always feel like a fixer and like he always needs your help. Not just financially. That’s actually huge. And worth hitting pause on. Pause like, let’s go talk to someone about this. Unless you’re happy with arrangements but it doesn’t sound like you are.
Veronica Mars
Anon, this is a great point. Anon OP, please think about this. One thing that also jumped out at me too was that you mentioned that you “don’t mind” living apart from your husband during this time. This, coupled with the fact that you feel the relationship is unequal, are all strong indicators that you could benefit from counseling (either individual or couples) to unpack these issues. Counseling would absolutely be cheaper than taking on all this debt as a team and could give you better clarity into what’s bothering you and why, as well as what you can do about it.
nutella
Agreed with Veronica Mars – b school is 2-3 years and you don’t mind living apart for that long?
anon OP
I mean it’s not my favorite. I have moved away before for like a year and a half and so he deserves the same opportunity. I’ll miss him, but I’ll see him often and have plenty to keep me busy. Plus I may be able to move to where he is after a year. I realize it’s unconventional, but our willingness to be apart for a little while isn’t something that reflects poorly on our relationship.
Sarabeth
I really, really think that a few counseling sessions would be a good idea for y’all at this juncture in your relationship. I hear some underlying resentment on your part, and I worry that if you live apart for a few years and have this resentment festering, it is not going to be good for your relationship. Better to bring it to the surface and hash it out in a structured setting beforehand.
FWIW, I say this as someone who has lived apart from my husband for long stretches of time during our relationship, for reasons related to both of our careers. No judgment on that decision, but I think you need to acknowledge that it’s going to put stress on a relationship that already has some weak points. Be proactive about talking things through and getting truly comfortable with whatever decisions y’all make as a couple before you add that stress.
Care
One of the few things I felt like I really took away from studying for the bar exam this past summer is to advise all my friends to never pay off someone else’s loans. I don’t remember the exact reasons why (I’ve blocked most family law), but I remember being surprised by the law and feeling strongly that I should warn my friends about it. Besides the legal reasons which you may never have to deal with, I feel like it creates a weird power dynamic that I would be wary of in a relationship.
Based on what you said above, if you are worrying about your career transition working out for you, can you both wait for you to finish in school and then move together to where he wants to attend school? Then you can both build your careers there and not have to deal with separation (which may not be a big deal short-term, but would suck if either of you had to walk away from awesome opportunities in order to be together).
Care
student loans, not just loans – definitely miss the edit function when I forget key words.
Anon in SV
I took BarBri with two good friends who were a wonderful, happy couple. We had the exact same reaction as you Care after that section on Community Property. She looked at him (who had $100k+ in debt from private undergrad and then law school) and told him she was not going to marry him until he paid off his debt. He toiled four years in biglaw still living on a student budget, with every other paycheck and 75% of his bonus going towards his debt. Three months after he paid off his debt, they got engaged and have been very happily married for years. Mr. Anon in SV also used his salary to pay off his own student loan debt.
anon OP
The other thing is that I grew up with no money and very few opportunities, and I feel like I clawed my way out of that and those assets are many years worth of my blood sweat and tears. I did that for me, and I’m uncomfortable dumping all of it on something for someone else’s career. I know he’s my spouse, and I’m sure he feels like he’d do the same for me, but such an opportunity (even on a much smaller scale) has never existed, so…..
Anonymous
I think this is fine. And something you should be open with him about. But five years from now when you want to buy a house and he can’t afford it because of his loans, then what?
Can you come up with a compromise plan? Like, wait a year so we can live together. Then I can cover all of both of our living expenses, and you’re just taking out loans for tuition.
Meg Murry
I agree with this. You can’t do all the giving, and him only the taking. If I’m reading right, he wants to quit his job and go back to school somewhere other than where you live now, with no plans for how to pay for it other than more loans or you pay for it. Life doesn’t work that way.
And don’t co-sign his loans either -because that just screws both of you.
anon OP
yeah. Well he also expects to have a much higher salary than he does now, and I think this is a very fair assumption. He’s very poised to do well. But it is less well thought out than I would like.
Opal
Just make sure the expectations of a “much higher” salary are fair expectations. A dear friend went to a top MBA program, paid top dollar, because “everyone gets consulting jobs”(translating to “much higher” salary and signing bonus). Guess what? He didn’t. He got a good job with a good salary, but he wishes he never went.
anon OP
Yeah your point about the house is well taken, and it’s something that’s crossed my mind a lot. Either way he only has so much to contribute, and if we want certain things, I have to make up the difference one way or another. We bought a condo a few years ago, and the down payment was virtually all mine. So this is sort of a pattern. I don’t mind it occasionally, but it does feel difficult for me that it’s such a pattern.
I’ll think about compromises. I don’t think I can realistically move with him if we waited a year. At least, I wouldn’t be about to count on it, but I can definitely try. He’s very particular about what he wants and when he wants it, and is generally pretty set on doing the best thing possible for his career. The good part is that he’s totally willing to take on whatever burden that incurs himself. (Like, if he insisted on going this year, he’d take out the full amt of debt himself, find a small side job to try to pay for living expenses for himself, and do whatever he needs to do on his own to make it work.) It’s not that he doesn’t consider my opinion, it’s just that I think he’d rather do that than find some kind of compromise.
Meg Murry
But once you are married, it’s not just “his burden”. And you own a condo right now? So even if you did want to try to find a job in the place where he wants to go to school or where you both want to land after graduation, you’d also have to work selling the condo into this?
More loans while you are still in school is not a good choice. What if the bottom falls out of the economy again and NEITHER of you can find jobs? I was all prepared to get my MBA in 2007/2008 when the bottom dropped out of the economy and BOOM, there were a bunch of unemployed people in my area with MBAs who were now unemployed. You can’t bank on that 100k job after graduation until it’s in your hand.
Anonymous
So, he’s totally fine with not living with his wife, and burdening you with his debt, and isn’t interested in your opinion or compromise, and you feel like you’re the only one giving and you don’t like it.
Honestly, why are you married?
anon OP
^ because that’s not a fair interpretation of what’s going on or what I said? I’m fine not living with him too. He believes he can do this on his own without burdening me, which I think is less true. He is willing to compromise and leans heavily on my opinions, but he would rather bear the burden himself rather than get me involved, partially because he doesn’t want to burden me but also because he wants to do this. It’s not like we can’t compromise. I think he tries his best to be giving and has a giving spirit, but has less to give than I do. I’m uncomfortable with that, but it’s not unreasonable.
Anonymous
When my DH went back to get his MBA. I was making 80k in an HCOL area at the time. He got offered admission to Darden in VA, at sticker price, and admission to our local university which is a very strong regional (more like a top 50 school) at a ~60% scholarship. Staying local enabled me to keep my job, DH to work part time at his job while going to grad school part time. In the first year, I got a promotion at my current job (would have had to leave if we moved to VA). Then he got an in-city internship for 35k over the summer. Then I got another promotion by the time he graduated.
So long story short, and which doesn’t answer your question, we made it work and specifically we weighed our options as a partnership (what’s good for him and what’s good for me, not just the best school). We stayed in our HCOL area but I can say with 1000% confidence that it was better for my career (I’m making 200k now at the same company i was at 4 years ago when DH and i had this decision to make).
Care
+1 Everyone always talks about going to the best grad school for the best opportunities, but once you are married, you have to look at the best opportunities for the partnership. I attended a Tier 2 regional law school instead of a T-14 school because it was better for DH’s career for us to not move. While I could be at a higher paying job now, I didn’t pay anything for law school so I think I am money ahead (and at a job I enjoy and intend to stay at long-term). That worked best for our partnership (and I had other good opportunities by going to school in the city where I wanted to work). For the OP – I don’t know that I would go as far on characterizing your relationship as other commenters (especially just based on your posts alone), but do try to remember that you are in a partnership for everything in your life and remind your DH of the same. That includes major education/career decisions as well as money-in, money-out. It’s a hard mindset to switch to, but it helps get you through these decisions.
Anonymous
sorry, DH went FULL TIME and worked part time.
Anon
I’m currently 4 months into a planned year of living apart (3 hour flight) from my spouse.
We made the joint-decision that he should take the one-year position in a different city, and that I should stay in our home city, because the end-result of that year apart would be a huge upgrade for both of us career-wise.
We both thought the distance would be hard, and it is. We see each other every three weeks. Some days I feel pretty normal, but some days are just downright blue.
So when you say “I’m fine not living with him” I worry that either (1) you have a roommate, not a marriage, or (2) you haven’t really thought this through.
anon OP
We’ve done the distance thing before. I felt more or less how you described above. When I say “I’m fine with it” I mean I can handle it and be all right. Not that it doesn’t affect me (or him) at all.
Anonymous
I think the distinction here though is that anon at 11:43 and her husband do not appear to be taking on more debt as a result of their year apart. Nor does it sound like anon feels as though she is always the one giving in the relationship, while her husband is always the one asking/taking.
Anon from 11:43
Correct on both counts.
I am full-time employed. He is a post-doc. I stayed in our home and he has an apartment with roommates (to keep costs down).
Also, we’re on the same page re: the future, meaning neither of us wants to do more than a year (or a little more than a year, if that is necessitated by logistics) apart. If the post-doc gets extended, then either 1) I move or 2) he moves back or 3) we look for new things in the same new city. But no open ended “who knows when we’ll live in the same place again”.
anon OP
okay, so I just agree to move if things don’t work out for me? I don’t want to sacrifice my career development when I’ve put so much into it, put so much into his, and he hasn’t really helped me all that much. It feels bad to me. I’m not sure what his thoughts are re: willingness to go for less desirable (to his career) alternatives, and he’s very willing to do stuff to make me happy, so I guess I should just ask in greater detail.
Veronica Mars
Anon OP, my heart goes out to you. And I think it’s telling that your first instinct is to think “how will I have to accommodate my husband” versus, “how could my husband and I come up with a plan for staying in the same city?” Because that plan might involve him attending a different bschool, or going at a different time. Or maybe you’d move. But it would be a conversation of equal partnership and if your husband realized all the things you’ve “fixed” and compromised for him, he might be like Coach Talyor in Friday Night Lights and let it be his wife’s turn.
CountC
No, I don’t think you should just agree to move. I think you need to talk more about what this means for both you and your husband, perhaps with the help of a neutral third party (counselor).
Senior Attorney
I really, really urge you to talk to a family law specialist about a postnuptial agreement to protect you and your assets in the event of a divorce. The problem with supporting someone financially during marriage is that it sets you up to do it if the marriage ends, as well! Find out what would happen if you were to divorce, and if that’s not okay with you, then get him to sign an agreement that you keep what’s yours and you are not responsible for his debts or for spousal support. And if he won’t sign… well, that will be interesting information as well.
Also, when I was married my husband traveled more than half the time and we did fine. It was only after he started staying home most of the time that things fell apart. Something else to think about.
anon OP
Okay, so the consensus is that we should talk about some compromise that probably involves him not going this year/ not taking on a ton of debt, and much less time apart. Also counseling. I can definitely agree with that, and thank you all for your thoughts.
I also think that my feelings about things being unequal are partially unfair. It’s based on something, but it’s unfair for me to make that point as strongly as I’m inclined to do. In general, it’s not really his fault that he has less money than me, a less successful career than me (so his network consists entirely of people I know, but he’s not able to do the same for me when it would be useful) and related to more abusive people who direct their vitriol at me etc. A lot of it isn’t his fault and I shouldn’t hold it against him, but it does feel bad to me.
nutella
OP, I agree with your summary. But every time you comment, there is more to unpack. Please go see a counselor and then a financial planner.
Maddie Ross
So much this! I keep thinking I’m going to comment on this thread, and then when I come back there is some new twist. This is more than just a simple “how do we logistically make it work apart for a year or two of grad school.”
anon OP
Thanks all. You’ve given me a lot to think about and I’ll set up counseling.
Care
Try to focus long-term as you are balancing all of this. If you picture a 50-year marriage, there are going to be times when things are unequal in favor of you and unequal against you. Right now you may have to support him more, but if that results in him being able to contribute more later, the balance may tilt the other way. Or you may decide to have kids and he can be the one to step back in his career to take care of a family. Focus on the long-term life balancing, even if things feel out of balance in the short-term. I’m sure my DH resented supported me through law school (even if he never expressed it), but then we wound up unexpectedly switching roles and now I support him. You just never know how life will work out!
Killer Kitten Heels
I agree with most of the others, this just sounds really, really ill-advised, and I think your husband is being unfair to you.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing to live apart for a time if careers/ education demand it, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing to take on educational debt, but the situation you’re describing makes absolutely no sense for your particular circumstances – you’re not done with your own schooling yet, and your H wants to run off to a HCOL city so he can do his own schooling, while living apart from you, so you get to support two households financially while working full-time and going to school? Hi, this is Fairness and Equity calling, we’d like to let you know that your husband has kicked us out in favor of I Do Whatever I Want Whenever I Want.
If you’re bringing up very real practical concerns and being met with any version of “but I have DREAMS, don’t you want me to be HAPPY?” (which, it sounds like, is at least part of what is happening here) your H is being a selfish jack@ss. He will not die of unhappiness if he waits a year or two to apply to B-school, nor will he spontaneously combust if he waits to see where your career takes you before he figures out which B-schools to apply to. In the grand scheme of a career (which is, for most people, 30-40 years), a year or two waiting out your degree and building up his savings by, you know, actually earning some money at a job before going to B-school is not going to be his undoing (and actually makes more financial sense). He needs to wait his turn, so to speak, before impulsively jumping into a really expensive degree program that he can’t afford in a HCOL area where his wife can’t join him. If he really can’t see the practical value in waiting, and wants to go NOW NOW NOW, I’d be seriously concerned about (a) his impulse control; and (b) how committed he actually is to being a good partner to you.
MU JD
KKH speaks wisely. Really think about this OP and good luck to you!
Wildkitten
But what if you live in a HCOL that is your best career option and you have a dream job that doesn’t pay very well and your SO wants to move to a LCOL to get a funded masters degree and move back to the city where you live – but to do so has to quit his six figure job. (I might face this question soon and am trying to figure it out.)
Anonymous
I disagree with most of the posters. Let him go get the MBA. You’ve been a student for a while, give him a shot at it, since it sounds like he got into a good school (MBA programs typically don’t allow you to defer a year).
If you are worried about the cost and debt, have him do a 20 year projection of salary and cost for you both in 3 scenarios: MBA this year, MBA next year, no MBA. Weigh those results against the temporary quality of life change.
Wildkitten
Yeah – this is how I feel. I already went to grad school, I already got a ton of debt, my SO wants to go to grad school and get in no debt and I don’t want to move. So for us, him moving for grad school and us doing long distance for two years so we can both live out our dreams might be what makes the most sense for us.
But it still sucks.
grad school
As someone currently in grad school, doing long distance with a partner who is planning on going to medical school, I agree. I love this community but it can be surprisingly closed-minded about relationships. It’s interesting to me that so many people read “seek therapy” into OP’s narrative.
Stockholm recommendations?
I’m going to be spending a week in Stockholm on business in December. It looks like I will have one full weekend day open, and may have several evenings to myself as well. For anyone who has been, I would appreciate any recommendations on how to enjoy time on my own — restaurants, places to walk/explore, etc. — while not straying too far from the city center. TIA!
Anonymous
The Gamla Stan (Old Town) is a nice area to walk around in and the Vasa (viking ship museum) is cool. In December the days will be very short and cold and Swedes tend to cozy up at home, so I wouldn’t count on doing much in the evenings after work. Food-wise, I had the smorgasboard at the Grand Hotel – it was a cultural experience and I’m glad I went since I was able to expense it, but it’s overpriced. Brasserie Bobonne is a wonderful French restaurant.
Anonymous
+1 on both Gamla Stan and the Vasa.
OCAssociate
Agree with Gamla Stan and the Vasa Museum.
No suggestions re: restaurants, since it’s been 6 years since I was there.
Stockholm recommendations?
Thanks for the recommendations! Much appreciated.
Hydration Unicorn
Any suggestions for a deeply hydrating body lotion that is not sticky? Any price point entertained.
TO Lawyer
I love the body shop shea lotion (not body butter) in a pump.
mascot
I like CeraVe cream (the one in the jar). Best applied when skin is still warm/damp after bathing.
lsw
I use St. Ive’s oatmeal lotion and add a few drops of jojoba or other oil. I’ve also used CeraVe.
CountC
The only OTC lotion that has worked for me is Curel’s Rough Skin Rescue. It’s better than anything I have ever tried and I have gone the pricey route.
Maddie Ross
+1. I love Curel lotions. I use the itchy skin one and it’s great. Not greasy at all and really smooth feeling.
Runner 5
Soap and Glory’s The Righteous Butter is lovely.
Anonymous
Eucerin
NYC tech
Kiehl’s Creme de Corps. pricey but so so good.
KateMiddletown
Bliss Body Butter – bonus points you can get it at TJ Maxx. The Lemon Sage is to die for.
Anonymous
The Nivea in shower lotion is a game-changer for me.
Chicago Bean Accounter
Josie Maran’s Whipped Argan Oil or Kiehl’s Creme de Corps. Both are a little pricier, but feel so much better than the St Ives on our bathroom counter.
Carine
The only lotion I can stand on my body is Lubriderm Daily Moisture for normal to dry skin. It is not sticky at all, absorbs quickly, hydrates well, and doesn’t irritate after shaving. I have considered getting the Kiehls Creme de Corps mentioned by a previous poster (it felt amazing in store) but just haven’t pulled the trigger because the Lubriderm works great and is much cheaper!
Rogue Banker
Olay Quench is wonderful. The niacinamide helps keep your skin’s moisture barrier intact.
Eloquii Fit FYI
I ordered a couple of dresses from Eloquii, including the much-lauded Brandi sheath. It could just be my body, but man, that dress fit me like a sausage casing. I ordered 1 size up, after seeing most people said it was a body-conscious fit. Even if I had ordered two or three sizes larger (which doesn’t exist), it wouldn’t have looked nice.
However, I also bought a more flowy dress on clearance and though there’s very little stretch (guess I’m used to that in plus-size clothes), it fits perfectly. I also sized up for it to ensure a fit around my bust.
JJ
Thanks! I also had the same issues with the Brandi sheath, and larger sizes would not have fixed it. But their skirts fit me well, so they’re good for the price.
Finding/Keeping Track of Threads
Does anyone have a good method for searching the comments on here, or of going back to discussions in the comments that interest you? I’ve tried using Google but only pull up Kat’s posts on topics, not when people mention things in the comments.
I know there was a discussion the other days of favorite recipes that I wanted to go back to …driving me crazy. TIA!
mascot
“type search terms here” site:c*rpor*tte.com
entering your keywords in quotes and replace the * with e as shown above will search comments too, then sort by date in results
Anonymous
Google works for me… Did you use the “+s*te=thiss*te.com” term with your search?
OP
I did, and am still not find what I was looking for. Perhaps I’m not remembering the discussion correctly.
Cat
OP, you’re not losing your mind – I’ve been unable to use this old standby trick to search the comments either, I believe ever since K@t turned off the edit function. I have no idea if that is correlation or causation, though.
Meg Murry
Posts here are filed by date, so if it was the other day, try adding 2015/11 or 2015/10 if it might have been last month. That helps if you have a general timeframe of when the discussion was. For instance:
s!te:corp*tt*.c0m recipe 2015/11
brings up a conversation on 2015/11/05 about slow cooker recipes.
Sometimes something more specific helps, like if I know that one of the recipes I was interested in was soup, I might try that instead of “recipe”
Thank you Meg Murry!
That’s the one I was looking for! Totally didn’t find it just searching the site for “slow cooker” and then using the Google “search tool” to get only results in the past month. The mysteries of Internet searches…
LCOL -> HCOL move
I have been lucky to live in a low COL area (so housing = 20% of take home pay). I am having some shellshock of going to a high COL area (so housing would be something like 50% of take home pay). I think that I am reacting very miserly — like willing to live in a scary (to my co-workers) area to keep costs down (ultimately, I will probably just rent in a safe neighborhood though). Do I just need to give myself time to adjust? Or spending this much the norm in high COL areas (I figure 50% is what I’d bring home after 401k maxing out and funding various things like flex spending, higher taxes, etc.).
LCOL -> HCOL move
Miss edit function: I’m not spending 50% of my salary, but estimating it’s 50% of take-home pay (but that 50% includes electricity, heating, etc., so it’s an all-in cost).
Anonymous
I live in NYC area and do not spend 50% of take home pay on rent. Not even close. What is your take home pay? Which city? Maybe we can help with neighborhood intel. It’s so hard to budget when you’re stuck with unaffordable rent.
Anon
There are scary neighborhoods and then there are “scary to co-workers” neighborhoods and the two don’t have full overlap. What city are you looking at?
Ellen
Yay! Kat, I love fruegel Friday’s, and this dress, but am OUT of the market for a few more weeks b/c DAD simpley wont even let me get bargans for Veteran’s Day or Thanksgiving day sale’s. He says I have enough clotheing for 20 year’s. Don’t I wish. I am sure that my tuchus will grow alot in 20 year’s and I will have to get new clothe’s each year as it expand’s, like mom’s tuchus did.
Anyway, for the OP, yes I agree with Anon that neighborhood’s make all the difference. When I moved into NYC, dad told me that he would NOT let me live above 86th Street (on the East Side –or the West Side). Because my freind’s were on the East Side, I looked all over, and EVERYTHING was expensive. I did find some nice places around 96th Street, but Dad FORBIDDED it. He said no matter how nice they looked inside, I would have to walk OUTSIDE, and there was alot of scarey peeople walking around. So I then had to go South, where it was MORE expensive, but I found out it was cheeper to live EAST of Park Avenue, so I focused around LEX (where there is a subway).
Now with all of that you should think about WHERE you want to live and if there is a subway line, it will be MORE expensive. But there are alway’s busses, but there you have to stand next to guy’s in the summer who have smelley armpit’s and they hold on to the pole’s and it is smelley! FOOEY on the bus in the summer. You do NOT have the same issue’s with the subway b/c those are air condition, and you do NOT have to stand next to smelley guy’s on the local 6 line. Good luck to you as you search for an apartement in NYC. YAY!!!!!!
Carrie....
Sometimes co-workers exaggerate the “scary” areas. Are you city savvy? What city/neighborhoods are you referring to? What is scary to one person, is normal to another.
I would be more frugal on rent. 50%…… avoid this. You are trapping yourself.
Anonymous
50% is a LOT. I lived in the super expensive bay area and don’t know anyone who spent that much. Why are you moving to the HCOL area? If it’s for a job and the job doesn’t come with a significant salary increase, maybe the job is not worth taking. Are you expecting to maintain the same standard of living in the HCOL area? If you’re moving to a significantly more expensive city and your salary is not at least doubling, you may have to downsize from 2 BR to 1 BR or give up some luxuries like in-unit washer/dryer.
K120
I live in a HCOL area and slightly less than 50% of my take home pay goes to rent. I make no where near big law money, but am comfortable with the amount that I spend. I don’t have a car and the added expenses that go along with it. I think I would feel very differently about my rent costs if I did. At 50% I can still enjoy the activities I like, have a bit of spending money and save a bit every month. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with anything more than that though.
Could I spend less on rent? Yes, definitely, but I have an apartment I like, in a location I love, and with a decent commute to work. That’s worth a lot to me and I don’t mind paying a bit extra for it.
Anonymous
Sometimes people DO exaggerate bad neighborhoods, but I’ve lived in bad neighborhoods and it adds daily stress to your life. Worrying about taking everything out of your car so it’s less likely to get its windows smashed, not walking anywhere after dark, etc…It’s really not worth the money saved. Could you get a roommate? That will help save on housing costs.
S
I live in the NYC area and spend less than 30% of take home pay one rent. 50% sounds like way too much. Decide what’s important to you — we don’t have a dishwasher, washer/drier or doorman, but we like the neighborhood and I have only a 30 minute commute.
Anonymous
If it is 50% after you already funded your retirement and some other expenses, and includes untilities, it might not be so abnormal. There was recent news saying in san francisco people spend something like 45% of their income…
SH
Any reviews/fit points on Ukies (advertised on this site and others)? I have weird feet so the “comfortable pumps” siren song is hard to resist. But because my feet are 2 EU sizes apart (1.5 sizes difference in US sizes), I’m going to have to order 2 pairs, which is a bit expensive for shoes that end up not working out.
FWIW, I have high arches, over-pronate, and have two different sized feet.
Care
Not totally on point, but do you know that Nordstrom will sell you shoes in two different sizes and only charge you for the one pair? I imagine other stores may do that as well, but my grandfather has the same problem and only buys shoes from Nordstrom because of that.
SH
I do, and Nordstrom gets all my money because of it. Alas, Ukies doesn’t sell at Nordstrom (ahem, Nordstrom buyers…).
Other stores (similar to Nordstrom, like Neimans/Bloomingdales) don’t do it, and not even the usual customer-service-focused places like zappos or amazon. Not even if I’m going to buy lots of shoes, and they won’t let me return the ones I don’t need. I’ve tried.
Worst mutant power ever. :-(
lsw
Wow, I had NO idea they did this – that is awesome! More love to Nordy’s.
waffles
I have ordered Ukies before… they were reasonably comfortable but far too small. It’s so tough to buy shoes online. For reference, I ordered the Arianna style (which has since been discontinued) in size 6. I normally wear 6.5 but the webs*te said they run large. Anyways I could hardly wear the shoes for more than 5 minutes at a time! I have reordered in 6.5 but they seem to be stuck in customs. I think the newer models are sized in EU sizes, but I can’t comment on that.
The customer service from Ukies is EXCELLENT, in my experience. Also the shoes seem like they would be comfortable due to the squishy soles. Leather doesn’t seem like great quality, but in line with the pricepoint.
Anonymous
Did you know that Nordstrom will sell you shoes with two sizes and only charge you for one pair?
L in Dc
I also have very particular feet with high arches. Have you ever tried AGLs from Nordstrom? They are so incredibly comfortable… You don’t need to pay full-price for them. They go on sale for 30-40% off from time to time.
Diana Barry
I just have to post that this dress is TOO SHORT FOR WORK. Urghhhhhhhhh!
Can anyone recommend hip-hugger tights where the leg length is a tall? I recently had surgery and so my normal tights will be too tight when I go back to work.
Anonymous
I accidentally bought high-waisted tights — maybe that is an option. I folded them down when wearing a non-dress and it was like those maternity pants that you can wear high or low (but for a non-pregnant person).
Wildkitten
Like, regular tights? For tall legs you can just buy larger sizes.
MJ
Not true if you’re a 34″+ inch inseam, in my experience.
Best tall tights are Spanx Tight End Tights, but I don’t think those come in hiphugger.
Other great Tall brands are Donna Karan and Evan Picone. I’ve only ever found the Evan Picone ones as one-offs at TJMaxx or Marshalls.
Wildkitten
Hmm. I’m def 34″+ and I just buy huge tights. I didn’t even know tall was an option.
lsw
DKNY are my favorite tall tights.
Decisions
Deciding between two bags. Which one do you guys like better? Looking for something that I can use casually but also with enough structure that I could take it to a work-ish event. Links to follow.
Decisions
http://us.lkbennett.com/Handbags/Clutches/Clara-Structured-Tote/p/5050923477224?nv=
OR
https://www.reiss.com/us/p/structured-tote-womens-bag-murphey-in-black/?category_id=10421&_=1447430955213
Cat
I like both of these – which one looks most like the style of your wardrobe? The Reiss is more noticeable to me with the silver handles, and looks like it would play well with DvF, DKNY, Theory, Hugo Boss – very streamlined-with-a-hint-of-s3xy brands. The LKBennett is less distinctive (a lot of brands offer a similar look, although this is a very nice example) looks more preppy/polished a la Brooks Bros.
NYC tech
I like the Reiss. So much sleeker.
Snickety
I like the Reiss bag better. It’s more distinctive. I also love the suit that the model is wearing with the Reiss bag!
waffles
+1 for the Reiss bag!
Decisions
You guys are great — thanks for the feedback!
Scandia
Another vote for the Reiss.
The first one – and I said: yeah, nice bag.
Second one – and I said, wow, great bag
New Tampanian
SEPHORA VIB SALE STARTS TODAY!!
OK I’m a tad excited because I am running low on so much. I will certainly be making “Rouge” status after this trip. Here’s my current list, what are ya’ll getting?
– NARS laguna and orgasm (separate not the combined)
– FRESH Soy Face Cleanser
– FRESH Lotus Youth Preserve Face Cream
– YSL Touche Eclat
– Buxom Lip polish in Claire (like 4 of these to keep in various locations because I use it so much)
– Lancome La Vie Est Belle holiday set
and then I’ll probably walk out with another 37 things… lol (TAKE ALL MY MONEY SEPHORA)
–
Anonymous
Placed an order this morning, got the black gel moisturizer from Boscia and some Buxom foundation. I really wanted to go crazy and stock up on everything I normally use (especially eyeliner) but even with a sale it would still be a huge purchase that’s not in my budget right now, so I focused on the more expensive things.
pasta pasta pasta
Misread “NARS laguna” as “NARS lasagna,” and busted out laughing in my office at the thought of lasagna-colored blush.
Monday
It would be one of those trays of powder blush with ribbons of different colors that you’d swirl your brush across: red, ivory, green, and brown.
Anon
Hahaha – but seriously that exists (for camo):
http://camofacepaint.com/product/multi-cam-4-color/
Scandia
You made me laugh –
and now I want lasagna
lawsuited
Unless you’ve already used and loved the YSL Touche Eclat, I’d skip it. I was disappointed with the coverage and staying power (of course, YMMV) and prefer the UD Naked Skin concealer.
New Tampanian
I have been using it for a while but I’m open. It’s really the only one I ever used. I might ask the lovely ladies there to give me some direction re: concealer.
Anonymous
YSL Touche Eclat is not a concealer.
New Tampanian
And this is why I have you women… to teach me the ways. Clearly I’ve been using this wrong. ugh.
nutella
The YSL is a highlighter. I love mind, but it is best for adding dimension and brightness in spots not as an overall concealer for true dark circles. At Sephora try tarte creaseless concealer or the Nars concealer for coverage.
KateMiddletown
Benefit Boi-ng is my one and only. It would be fun to have a “what you put on your face in the morning” thread…
Blushing
A little embarrassed to admit I earned “Rouge” status with this morning’s order. I went with:
Two of the NARS Audacious lipsticks (obsessed with the formula)
MUFE Mat Velvet Foundation
Buxom Lash Mascara
Korres Greek Yoghurt Cleansing wipes
One of the men’s cologne samplers that lets you turn the voucher in for a full size bottle (Christmas present for the hubs).
New Tampanian
I didn’t realize exactly how much one had to spend to reach Rouge – I’m $148 away and I’ll absolutely make that. Whoopsie.
DisenchantedinDC
I’m up for renewal with my VIB in another $49.
………..yep.
CJM
I also made VIB Rouge, embarrassing.
I got:
2 Clarisonic Brush Heads
Anastasia BH eyebrow brush #7
Armani Foundation
Kate Somerville Moisturizer
YSL Touche Eclat
Dry Shampoo
Sunday Riley Luna
and the hourglass ambient light palette as a gift
anon
Yesterday I was emailing with some college friends, and one of them made a comment about how impressive it was that our friend’s husband was able to serve his toddler lunch. She was joking, but I still thought it was a dumb comment.
Why do some people assume that men are complete idiots when it comes to childcare? I think this (smart, educated, successful) guy should be able to figure out how to serve his own daughter a meal and it shouldn’t be newsworthy… right?
Unrelated
ha, I have a toddler and as I read your post, I thought “gosh, yes! picky toddlers are so frustrating! It IS impressive when someone can get them to eat.”
Totally missed the fact that she was impressed at WHO was serving the meal.
Shayla
I have a smart, educated, successful husband as a partner in raising our kids. It does pleasantly surprise me when he is able to complete a childcare task on his own without asking me for help, for my opinion, or for help locating a necessary item. It’s a common problem for male partners being unable/uncomfortable/not confident enough to be a decision maker when it comes to kids–at least while they are young–and it comes off as them being a complete idiot. My girlfriends and I joke/vent/relate regarding this aspect of parenting too frequently. Though, the problem does appear to be fading as the kids get older (he gets more confident?).
Also, what Unrelated said is totally on point. I would give a medal to anyone who could feed my three year old….anything. May the odds be ever in your favor… ;-)
mascot
Yep, my husband would get decision paralysis for a lot of child related tasks when ours was younger. Also, he’s not the primary cook in our house so he struggles with meal composition. This gets better as the kid gets older and can give significant feedback (or just has a better palate).
Scandia
This makes me crazy.
It is the same when mothers says their husbond is babysitting the kids.
He is not babysitting, he is – you know – parenting
CKB
Totally agree. Our kids are older, but Dh is the primary care giver. He works p/t and has a more flexible job with way more PTO than I have. He does a great job with the boys and it drives both of us nuts that people and the media assume dads are useless and moms know everything. Even my mom will ask a question about what the boys eat for breakfast and I have to defer to Dh because I’m out the door in the morning before anyone is awake, let alone eating breakfast. Weekends I make pancakes for breakfast so I generally have no clue who likes what cereal.
I know not all dads are as involved as Dh, but I think involved dads are becoming more the norm. At least I hope they are. And it’s so annoying when that isn’t recognized.
jeans help
My last pair of jeans is wearing out and I need some help–I’m frustrated and confused and don’t know what I’m doing! I think I’m hard to fit, and I’ve never had pants that truly fit me correctly or looked good.
I think the problem is that area from my waist to crotch is really long, and that part of the pants never seems to have enough fabric. So pants never seem to stay up–they slide down and I have a muffin top. Or if I put on a belt tightly to keep them up, I get a camel toe from pulling them so high. I am roughly a size 12 right now but again, no brand has really worked fit-wise. If I try a size up it seems like I’m swimming in them.
Oh, and I have really short legs (roughly 28″ inseam). Other than my long torso/short legs and being a bit overweight, I think I’m relatively averagely proportioned.
Any suggestions are great–brands, styles, alteration tips, anything! I’m desperate and just want to have pants that stay up and don’t make me look lumpy. PS if you have tips for a similar body for work pants, I’d be grateful to hear those, too.
Anonymous
Would it be worth while to try the tall sizes of straight legged jeans? Obviously you’ll have to get them hemmed, but they may be longer through the rise/ cr0tch depth.
jeans help
HUH…I never thought of that. It’s true that though I’m petite height-wise, the proportions of petite clothes don’t always work for me.
This could be genius!
Cat
+1 to giving this a try – I am also a long-waisted shortie and have used this most successfully on suiting pants.
Sparrow
Try NYDJ for jeans, they have a higher rise than regular jeans. I also like the high rise skinny jeans from The Gap. I’m 5’0 and both brands have petite sizes. I’ve also heard good things about JAG, but haven’t tried them myself.
Also, if the jeans fit your hips and thighs, but the waist is loose, you may be able to get them altered to take the waist in. I haven’t had it done myself, but I’ve heard it’s not too difficult of an alteration.
Finding jeans that fit can be a pain. Good luck!
jeans help
Thanks, will check these out. May swing by the Gap on my lunch hour today.
mascot
How tall are you? Have you tried mid or higher rise jeans? I’m short waisted, hourglass with a longish rise. Joe’s Jeans and Gap bootcuts fit me well.
jeans help
Pretty short–5’3″. I always purchase the highest rise style I can find, but they never seem all that high-rise to me. The low-rise trend has been a disaster for me, though maybe that’s abated a bit since I last bought jeans.
lost academic
Huge pet peeve of mine, and I’m tall/long legs! I like buying Wrangler for that reason. I hate low rise everything with a passion.
Jeans for long waist, short legs
My body type is very similar, and I was thrilled when high waisted jeans came back into style. My favorite jeans are from Page and Cheap Monday. The latter have a higher fit – I found them after searching for threads on high waisted, straight leg jeans a year ago. AG also has a high waisted jean, the contour 360, with a lot of stretch, so it’s very comfortable. But it’s also a skinny jean, so I get less use out of them than the straight-legged jean.
Anonymous
You could also try on some regular (non petite) but ankle length pants. That trend really opened up options for be because I need shorter inseams than regular, but not the other petite proportions. Report back if you find something! Good luck.
Anonymous
Wrangler – specifically the Mae over the hip style. They make lengths from 28-34, have enough rise to fit as you desire, and in the “booty up” version the amount of stretch is perfect and they have great rear pocket placement. Amazon carries them in many washes. Super flattering and comfortable. And for those who prefer a lower rise, they come in a ‘below the hip’ version too. And no, they won’t look western.
Meg Murry
I’ll explain the longer story below, but short answer: do you have any pants that you like the way they fit, or think “these would be ok if they were an inch higher in the front (and/or back)”? After getting tired of trying on a million pants to try to find a new pair of jeans, I discovered that what I needed was either a string that wasn’t stretchy or a tape measure when I went to the store.
Take your pants that fit, button and zip them, and measure from crotch seam to the front rise. Do it again for crotch seam to back rise. Either write these down, or use a piece of string that isn’t stretchy and cut it to the appropriate length, marking where the crotch seam is. If you wanted to do a second measurement, you could also measure across wherever your pants are widest.
Then take these measurements or string to the store with you, and you’ll be able to pretty quickly flip through the rack to see which ones aren’t worth bothering to try on. More than a tiny bit shorter than the string? Don’t bother. Close? Try them on. Using this technique, you can also see which brands actually change the rise between petite/regular/tall and which just adjust the leg length up or down.
I am long waisted, and prefer a moderately high rise. I carry a lot of weight in my backside, and I found that many brands aren’t long enough from crotch seam to back rise – they can be several inches above my belly button in front and still barely cover my butt in the back, so I have to go to the W sizes in most brands to accommodate my extra curves.
Of course, fabric content will matter too – jeans with tons of spandex in them could have different measurements than those with no stretch, and you probably need separate measurements for jeans vs wool work pants – but it at least helps eliminate the “nope, not even worth taking off the rack”.
Its hard to recommend specific brands, other than to try going to a department store rather than the Gap so you can go through lots of different brands. I’ve had luck with NYDJ and Lauren Ralph Lauren (on super clearance) and other brands that are not aimed at the super young crowd or at women with straighter figures than me (I need the womens/misses cuts, not the juniors or still cut like juniors).
Anonymous
I have success with Gap. Mango also makes a higher rise, but they can run kind of small and I’m not sure how their Violeta line.
CJM
I’m pretty similar to you, I like the AG Farrah
Anon
I have a long rise, a big butt, and proportionally short legs. I have the hardest time finding jeans and have only found 2 styles that I like — J Brand high rise Maria skinny jeans and G Star 3301 Ultra High Waist jeans. You can get the J Brands on Nordstrom Rack online for about $80.
LALaw
I don’t think I’m particularly long waisted, but I just bought two pairs of LOFT’s high waisted skinny ankle jean. And i do mean HIGH waisted – at or over my belly button. I’m getting used to how they feel, but I’m loving how they don’t slip down – and no muffin top! (Obviously, I won’t be tucking in any shirts with them but great for sweaters and longer tops!) Worth a shot with 40% off right now.
Mags
Looking for a right-hand ring and my two favorites are no longer being made. Can anyone think of other designers where I might find something that looks like the MM Lafleur criss cross ring or the david yurman crossover diamond/gold ring? I’m thinking exceedingly simple, neither too delicate nor too chunky, yellow gold only, and a little bit of sparkle.
Mags
This is the general look I like- not sure if the links make it past mod or not: http://www.neimanmarcus.com/David-Yurman-Crossover-Ring-with-Diamonds-in-Gold/prod37830066/p.prod
Care
I wear this one in the silver (which is so much cheaper than the gold – hadn’t noticed that before) and love it. I don’t know how the gold will look because I love that the diamonds kind of blend in with the silver (so it’s sparkly but not so sparkly). I’ve never seen anyone else wearing it.
http://www.davidyurman.com/products/women/collections/willow/willow-open-single-row-ring-with-diamonds-r12002d88.html?lpos=PLP-14&item=r12002d88adi&source=plp
Glasses
After wearing contacts pretty much exclusively for the last 10 years, my eye doctor advised me that I need to take a break and wear glasses for a few weeks while using eye drops that are incompatible with contacts. I had to get a new glasses prescription, and have started the drops. Unfortunately, I”m on day 2 of the new glasses, and they are SO STRONG. I get a crazy headache from wearing them, and they make me a little naseous. I am used to wearing contacts, so I didn’t expect to have such a transition period with the glasses. I put in a call to the doctor, but how long can I expect to get used to the new glasses? Is there a chance the prescription is too strong? I feel seasick.
Wildkitten
When I switch from glasses to contacts I feel awful – but only if I switch in the middle of the day, not if I start a day with contacts and start the next day with glasses.
Faye
I just had this happen to me. My previous glasses were over 15 years old (my Rx hadn’t changed in all that time, but styles definitely had) and I think I’d worn them maybe 5 times in all those years. My eyes are really bad, and I abhor not being able to see the clock overnight so I would go straight from contact to contact. After my issue cleared up, I’m making a point to wear my new glasses twice a month, for at least dinner-to-next-morning.
It’s been maybe 6 months now and I rarely get that seasick nausea anymore, mainly only if I wear them to look far away. I think it’s just that I’m not used to my point of focus being away from my eye, nor am I used to the fuzziness in my peripheral vision. I’m hoping that with time, I’ll get more used to it and glasses won’t be such a shock to my eyes.
Anonymous
I have a very high prescription (-12), and I usually have about three days of nausea and puking and then a full week of headaches before I get used to wearing glasses. It’s not that they are stronger, but rather that the distortion is different. It is worse the longer I have gone without using my glasses. I would give it another day or two.
Laura
I had this problem a few years ago when I got a new pair of glasses for the first time in years, and tried to wear them for a full day. Call your eye doctor and see if they can adjust your prescription slightly. I think it’s a fairly common issue, and once they tweaked it, I was totally fine.
MidwestDoc
Would you wear this Scuba Sheath dress to work? Maybe with a blazer or cardigan on top?