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Updated: Apr 12, 2021 395 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Lois Washable Silk Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Amour Vert has always been one of my favorite “sustainable” clothing brands. Not only do they focus on sustainable practices in the manufacturing of their products, they use compostable bags for shipping, and pledge to plant a tree for every tee purchased.

This long-sleeved blouse from Amour Vert’s Washable Silk collection is a great neutral color, and I love the piping detail down the center.

I would wear this top with a skirt suit or tucked into a pair of skinny pants. The “oat” color is a great neutral to wear with just about anything.

The top is $178 and available in sizes XS–XL.

Another silk option that’s a bit more affordable is this top from Rag & Bone — it’s on sale for $140 (marked down from $350).

Workwear sales of note for 12.7.23

Our favorites are in bold!

Workwear sales of note for 12.7.23

Our favorites are in bold!

Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    So upsetting about the J&J vaccine. Will be a huge blow to getting people vaccinated.

      • Anon

        6 women who got the shot also had clots — it is a tiny fraction. But there isn’t a causative link — just 6 noted adverse events (that are not necessarily anything related to each other in a “this causes that” way).

    • Anon

      6 people out of like 7 million sounds like an expected number of adverse effects. Not something worth pulling it for in my opinion.

      • No Face

        Yeah, it seems like you are more likely to get blood clots from hormonal BC than this.

        Are any science-minded ladies here able to describe why they are recommending pausing J&J vaccinations because of a potential adverse effect in 6 people out of millions? Seems baffling to me, but I am far outside my wheelhouse.

        • Anonymous

          The only explanation I can come up with is hysterical overreaction to what’s happening with AstraZeneca. There have been other cases reported with Pfizer and Moderna, but no one suggested taking either of those off the market.

        • Bonnie Kate

          +1 to wanting an explanation as to the reasoning to pause… to me it screams PR/wanting to appear proactive, because while 6 people having serious complications/1 dying is tragic, it appears to be so fractional it’s irrelevant to most people.

          Signed, Got the J&J Vaccine 1.5 weeks ago

          • Anon

            Like how many more people may die of Corona / associated things like delayed cancer treatments, heart attack at home because people are scared of getting it in a crowded ER waiting room, etc?

            IDK the number but I’d bet it is >6

          • Anon

            More people die of anaphylaxis to Penicillin per year probably and no one is pushing to pull that.

          • Anon

            @10:30 – exactly. I just had a doctor’s appt today. They sent me for bloodwork. The waiting room was tiny with 10+ people in it and an estimated wait of 20+ minutes. I left. I’m generally on top of my health stuff so I plan to go to another bigger lab in the next day or two. But for many people in that situation, life happens, and they forget to go back.

          • Anonymous

            I’m someone with clotting issues and at high stroke risk (had a brain hemorrhage in my early 30s) and I would gladly take J&J. The risk of blood clots with COVID is so major. Even aspirin is a stroke risk to many (I can’t have it). Same with birth control. I’m really surprised. And I feel like this is just the sort of headline that will push the anti-vax narrative in ways it really shouldn’t.

          • FormerlyPhilly

            Totally. Like many, many people suffering from reactions to fluoroquinolones. With black box warnings. But still prescribed (of course necessary for certain indications).

        • Anonymous

          It will end up with an age or gender restriction. It’s not just that it’s one in 1 million, it’s one in the smaller number because they were all in women of a certain age. And then they have to weigh the risk of them dying from Covid with the risk of them dying from blood clots.

          • Anonymous

            Plus, as other people have mentioned, these are not typical blood clots. This is a strange combination of blood clots with low platelets which can be harder to treat and require special care

          • Anon

            Yep. It’s the commonalities between those afflicted that has the CDC wanting to find a causal link. If we can find out what the strongest correlation is for adverse reactions we can use that to avoid having more reactions and going forward, make sure people with those risk factors are given an alternative vaccine type.

        • Shelle

          Pharmacist relative told me it’s being looked into because they’ve observed a rare blood clot disorder. Not just a typical blood clot.

          • Anonymous

            +1. It’s not a DVT or something you would commonly observed in thousands and thousands of patients per year. It’s a very rare type of blood clot that likely IS connected to the vaccine. The risk-benefit analysis will still very likely come down on the side of using the vaccination, especially for men, but we do need to investigate this.

        • Anon

          I don’t know the reason for the decision. But I wonder if they think these events reflect some bigger issue with the spike protein that concerns them. I sincerely hope it’s not just a matter of politics or money.

          • Anon

            Or I guess it would be better if it’s politics or money than that something is actually wrong. But what I’m hoping is that they’re thinking that they can identify who is at risk if they investigate further.

        • Anonymous

          Because the CDC is incompetent, and has caused and continues to cause death to thousands of Americans.

      • AFT

        Agreed. This is going to really ramp up vaccine hesitancy, and J&J has already been fighting the “lower efficacy” argument. It seems like this could have been messaged much much better.
        I’m very worried that this is going to extend the pandemic for months as so much of our strategy in the US is tied into the J&J vaccine, and if people aren’t willing to take it, then we can’t vaccinate at the rate we need to beat the variants. I am in the risk group (women between 18-40s) and got J&J a few weeks ago, and am one of the 6,999,994 recipients who did not experience blood clots afterwards.

        • DC pandas

          +1 I’m also in the risk group and had the J&J about a week ago. Grateful to have a “one and done” shot.

        • Anon

          I got mine 4 weeks ago with no issue. I am glad they’re informing doctors to ensure people get the right treatment. But it still sucks since it is helping get people vaccinated against a very serious, highly contagious disease.

    • Jeffiner

      My Republican in-laws were skeptical of the vaccines, but last month they decided to get the J&J because its “milder.” I have no idea what that means, but apparently its a right wing talking point. My FIL has been hospitalized twice in the past 2 weeks with stroke-like symptoms. I really hope its not blood clots from the vaccine, and I really hope its not a stroke. But the news will likely push a lot of people who were on the fence about getting vaccinated onto the anti-vax side.

    • AnonNoVa

      Yes I have a vaccine hesitant friend who had a blood clot problem a couple years ago, and I fear this will push her firmly into the anti-vaxx category.

    • anon

      In STEM field. They probably want to examine certain demographics closer. They released that the 6 were females of a certain age bracket but there may be more commonality they have not released yet.
      Also, this type of blood clot is not as easy to detect/resolve probably plays a factor too

      • LifeScienceMBA

        I think it’s likely that there might be common underlying factors for having such a rare side effect, like coagulation disorders (which could be undiagnosed), or medicines they took (birth control?), or lifestyle choices (smokers?)

  2. Anonymous

    I put an already-squeezed/used lemon in my dishwasher before I run it, and now it smells amazing when the machine is done and I really think my glasses are sparkling more than before.

    I’d love to hear any low-waste tips others would like to share. I just find the idea of getting use out of something that would be thrown away to be really satisfying.

    (I also cut up old t-shirts to make cleaning rags and replace paper towel use, but that’s probably not a new one).

      • Anonymous

        Assuming I have two used halves when I’m ready to run it, I put one on the top rack and one in the silverware tray. They have never migrated from where they are but I suppose you could use a rubber band to secure it to a dishwasher prong if it might be a problem in your machine.

    • anon

      – I repurpose my empty milk jugs as garden cloches for my tomato and pepper plants when there’s still a chill in the air at night.
      – I have more rags than I can handle, thanks to downcycling old shirts and towels.
      – I hold onto way more glass jars than I should because I can always find a use for them.
      – I know ziplocs are less than ideal, but I wash them and reuse them until they have holes.

      • Cb

        Same here with the jars. I also find that cut up boxer shorts/tshirts make an awesome alternative to garden twine, great for delicate plants. We compost loads in our bin and make leaf mulch as well, and have a water butt attached to the guttering for watering the plants. We also buy the great big jugs of hand and dish soap and just refill it, reducing the plastic waste.

        • Jeffiner

          Back when I wore pantyhose, I would use old pantyhose for garden twine, because they had a bit of flexibility for delicate plants.

    • Cat

      On the lemon topic. Microwaving diluted lemon juice for 5 minutes makes it super easy to wipe down the inside of your microwave. Any time we need half a lemon (or lemon rind) for a meal, we use the rest of the lemon this way!

    • Anon

      This is incredibly specific, but my husband goes absolutely nuts for the purple rubber bands that come on a bunch of asparagus. They are exactly the right size and thickness to use as neck guards on his tripod guitar stands. The original rubber guards that come with the stands tend to rot over time.

      • PolyD

        Those are the only rubber bands that actually endure. I bought a bag of rubber bands from Staples a while ago, and most of them broke when I tried to stretch them. Are they not making rubber bands out of rubber anymore??

      • MagicUnicorn

        Broccoli rubber bands are the favorites in our house. I have a narrow shelf at the side of my craft table and my scissors tend to work their way to the end of the shelf and then onto the floor. I keep a fat pink broccoli rubber band around the end of the shelf and it adds just enough lip to the shelf to stop things from nosediving.

      • Pep

        I keep every asparagus rubber band that comes my way. My favorite use for them is to stretch them around the lid of a bottle or jar that won’t open – the rubber band gives just enough traction for my hand to get it open!

      • anon

        My entire youth orchestra was specifically taught to use those same rubber bands to hold a shoulder rest onto our violins!

      • Anon

        How do you get them off the asparagus without breaking the asparagus tips? I always end up cutting the rubber band to save the asparagus.

        • Anonymous

          You can start with slowly sliding some of the asparagus in the inside of the bunch (not touching the band) out, to have less tension in the band.

    • SSJD

      Love this post!
      Another use for a lemon rind is to put it in the garbage disposal. I’ve read that it freshens up the disposal and helps eliminate odor.
      When I change the baking soda in the fridge (every 3-6 months), I pour the old baking soda down the drain to freshen up the pipes.
      I save old newspaper and use it in 2 ways: 1) stuff wet shoes after getting caught in the rain, jumping in a puddle, or machine washing (sneakers can be machine washed, it’s amazing!); 2) line my compost bin with newspaper rather than buying fancy compostable bags.

    • Bonnie Kate

      I cannot wait to try this lemon in the dishwasher trick.

      Not really a tip, but my favorite dishes to use are these square glass bowls. I have about 12 of them and have had them for years. Originally, they were Ribbonwick candles and when I was done burning them I cleaned the heck out of them.

      Kind of a tip, when I wanted to start using less paper towel but DH wasn’t fully on board, I just stopped buying big packages of it. I now buy one roll at a time and keep it under the sink, and it lasts us quite a while. I told DH if he wanted more, he was welcome to buy it himself, but I wasn’t buying it. He doesn’t care enough to buy it himself, so it worked!

    • In-House in Houston

      I always put lemon or lime in my garbage disposal. It also helps it smell fresh. With the heat of the dishwasher, did the lemon start to disintegrate? I’d worry that I’d have lemon bits all over my clean dishes….

      • Anonymous

        I haven’t noticed this, but I do make sure that there are no seeds before I put in in (and it’s usually pretty well squeezed out by the time I put it in…

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I’ve been amazed at how much composting has cut down our waste. We stopped using plastic garbage bags because I thought buying brand new plastic bags to fill with trash seemed ridiculous and now we just line the bin with paper grocery bags. Since we compost, that takes care of the majority of the wet garbage, and we take any other wet/stinky trash directly to our outside bins. I’m never buying trash bags again! We rarely buy any sort of paper or disposable product, either.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Do it! We were surprised at how infrequently we had wet items that “needed” to be in a plastic bag or our outside bin. It’s seriously NBD to implement.

          • Anonymous

            Are you vegetarian? We inevitably have drippy meat packaging that needs to be in a plastic bag.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            We aren’t, we probably eat meat 2-3 times per week. We put meat packaging directly in the outside bin. Honestly, I often did that even when we were using plastic since those wrappers tend to get stinky quickly.

    • bellatrix

      I don’t think I have any in use right now, but clean tuna cans with no sharp edges are great for in-drawer organization. Just the right size and depth for paper clips, small earrings, etc. The boxes from Birchbox are also good for this, though a big larger.

      Glass bottles from skin serums are great bud vases.

      My mom sent me to school with my sandwich in a bread bag instead of a Ziploc or baggie. Which is possibly a bridge too far. I don’t do that to my own kiddo but I do it at home (hunk of cheese, etc).

      To clean out old candle vessels, stick them in the freezer for a while. The wax is much easier to chip out then. And voila! You have a new pen cup (or what-have-you).

      • A.

        Yes! Came here to say that pretty candle vessels are my go to for candy dishes or bathroom items (q-tips, cotton balls, hair ties). Put in fridge, chip wax out, run through the dishwasher.

        • Anonymous

          Even better, carefully pour reasonably hot water into the jars – wear gloves just in case – and the wax will melt right out. I use the water from my keurig for this

    • Sunshine

      I love this thread even though I don’t feel like I have much to add.
      I wash and re-use Zip lock bags if they didn’t have anything gross in them.
      I use almost any bag for trash. I hate buying trash bags. But invariably bags appear at our house from online shipments, friends who drop off food, etc.

    • MagicUnicorn

      We save cardboard egg cartons and use them to start annual flower seeds indoors each spring. They tear apart easily for planting, and the whole thing goes straight into the ground.

    • anonshmanon

      Water bill is a big ticket item. A bucket in the shower catches 0.5-1 gallon cold water before it runs warm. Since we also have a bit of a plant habit, this provides free refills for the watering can.

      Half gallon milk jugs get a cutout and some decoration, and serve as medium sized planters.

      Plastic bags get a second performance as trash can liner, although they are rarely big enough for the big kitchen trash can. But the smaller bathroom trash cans regularly are lined by takeout bags, or the plastic film around toilet paper packages. Bread bags get a reprise to hold homemade bread. Paper bags (which can stand up on their own) just replace the trash can for a week. I bring my own bags to the grocery store, so I only get paper bags randomly, and still have to use a purchased trash can liner sometimes.

      Bar soap has replaced my shower gel. The first bar lasted a verrry long time. It’s stored on the far edge of the tub, where it doesn’t get washed away from the shower. I want to get solid shampoo next.

      These days, the car is just standing in the sunny driveway many days, so I have turned it into a low temp drying oven. I’ve dried fresh chilies, lemon zest and peppermint leaves for tea.

      We have curbside composting which cuts down on landfill, but sometimes I take the box of coffee grounds and distribute them directly over our garden beds.

      Half of my freezer is filled with frozen water bottles and milk jugs full of water. Half of the original freezer space is the right size for me to keep the inventory of frozen foods manageable, without loosing track of what’s in there completely. Less empty space in the freezer also means a more efficiently running freezer using less power(less warm air can get in when you open the door). They also are part of my emergency water supply which I don’t bother cycling regularly. They also serve as ice packs when I take a cooler somewhere. When going hiking, I grab a frozen water bottle in addition to my normal water bottle. That way, I still get ice cold water even 4 or 5 hours into a hot weather hike.

      Planting spring onions in a pot means that you can harvest the green bits continuously for a long time. I have one bunch going for a year now.

      • Anonymous

        Awesome list.

        I switched from shower gel to bar soap for plastic use reasons but appreciate the cost difference too. I’ve heard good things about the Ethique bar shampoo and might try it when mine runs out. I don’t have a good solution for it not getting wet/dissolving, though.

        • Greensleeves

          I’ve been using Ethique bar shampoo and conditioner for about 6 months now and I really like it! You can buy small travel/sample sizes to try it out – I got a few and figured out which formula worked best for me. They also sell a plastic holder that I highly recommend. It holds one shampoo bar and one conditioner bar, keeps them covered when you’re not using them, and allows them to drain out the bottom. My first shampoo bar lasted about 4 months and I’m still working on the conditioner. For reference, I have short hair but a lot of it.

      • Anon

        Also a bar soap fan. Once the bar is worn down enough that it starts to slip through the shower caddy bars, I gather the slivers in a piece of knee-high hose and tie that to the caddy. It becomes a homemade washing poof.

      • Anon

        Thanks for the car tip. I need a good herb drier as my spring herbs are bonkers right now.

      • Curious

        Been using Lush bar shampoo for over a year now and I’ve gone through maybe 3 bars? It works great.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        For anyone wanting to avoid plastic waste for hair products, I’ve found a number of bar shampoos that worked well, but not conditioners. I swear I’ve tried every conditioner bar on the market. I now buy the conditioner that’s made by Bar None and comes in an aluminum (100% recyclable!) bottle. It’s only $8, works as well as any other conditioner, and is sold at Ulta. I recommend it to everyone I know. I’ve tried two out of their three formulations and they were both great. Their shampoo is also great.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        I am also a bar soap/shampoo person! Another thing I use bar soap for is for dishes. I use a dish brush to scrub some soap on, and it works just as well as any other kind. I currently use Dr. Bronner’s for dishes.

    • Senior Attorney

      The very best thing for cleaning my Le Creuset enamel cookware (both the light colored interiors and the black enamel that looks like cast iron), even better than the fancy cleaner Le Creuset sells, is baking soda. I keep a bunch of it in a crock by the sink and it does a great job for pennies!

    • SF in House

      Any plastic bag that comes into the house gets a second (and final) life as a dog poop bag.

  3. Patricia Gardiner

    Does anyone have a recommendation for high quality fake succulents to put in an office? I think this was mentioned a while ago and I loved the idea but couldn’t find the particular recommendation. Thanks!

  4. Anon

    The FDA and CDC are calling for a pause on the J&J vaccine due to a very rare possible risk of blood clots. Wow. I think there’s a likely chance there won’t be a real correlation, but I think this is going to be very hard to come back from in the U.S. climate where many people are already anti-vaccine and science-illiterate.

    • Anonymous

      6 blood clots out of 6.8 million doses. .00009% chance. If I had the opportunity, I’d still get the shot in my arm.

    • Anon

      IIRC, there were blood clots in some women of a certain (younger?) age. Maybe it becomes a vaccine for men (so more useful for prison / homeless / military populations that skew male and the first two have serious reasons for favoring a one-dose vaccine). OTOH, it may be so rare (6 people? 6ish?) that is is smaller that the risk from birth control pills (which is a real risk, also affecting younger women). I am currently on a low-dose pill to manage peri-menopause symptoms and considered and accepted the risks, so I am not sure how this is new or different (the stroke risk of being on the pill is part of why you should not also be a smoker while you are on the pill). At any rate, it will be interesting to see how this unfolds. I am sure our resident J&J h8er will weigh in — sad that I thought of her first.

      • Anon

        Yeah, that is sad that you have taken someone who expressed a preference for Pfizer and turned her into your own “J&J h8ter” that you think of when you read the news. creepy much?

        • Anon

          If that is all the same person, she takes up an exhausting amount of bandwidth.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t think it is since I posted about wanting to get Pfizer due to medical reasons and how I was having trouble finding an appointment where I could confirm what it would be in advance. I know there was at least one other poster who said she got J&J and was upset about it because Pfizer became available later. I ultimately got Pfizer. There are at least a few of us who had various reasons for not wanting J&J, even though it’s an important vaccine that I think will likely clear this new setback.

      • Anon

        Yes, they were all women aged 18-48. I suspect they are already looking into BC and pregnancy/recent birth status. Risk of a blood clot in the 3 months after giving birth are high, about 40-60 per 10,000 compared to 3-9 per 10,000 for users of oral BC.

      • Anonymous

        I think I am one of “the resident J&J haters” and I actually disagree with the decision to pause use of the J&J vaccine for this reason. I am not an antivaxxer, as I’ve been accused of being–quite the contrary. I just think the J&J vaccine is being portrayed as more effective than it actually is, public health authorities are dismissing individual priorities, and there isn’t enough accurate information and choice being provided. In my case, if I had waited less than two weeks I could have had a different vaccine, but at the time it was presented as “take J&J or wait several months for no guarantee of a choice.” Pfizer or Moderna would have been more appropriate for me given my risk preferences, I was in a position to easily minimize exposure for a few more weeks, and I live in a place where supply of all three vaccines turned out to be plentiful because of low uptake, so I should have been provided with full information about availability. I also believe that J&J should have focused on testing a two-dose regimen, which is likely to be more effective, instead of rushing ahead with a single dose.

        In the case of immune thrombocytopenia possibly associated with the J&J vaccine, the risk appears extremely low, lower than the risk of the same complication from the MMR vaccine and certainly lower than the risk of blood clots from COVID. A handful of cases have also been reported with the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines, but those vaccines are still in use. Curiously, regulators seem much more concerned about this extremely rare complication than they do about the blood clots that are frequently caused by hormonal BC. I think the J&J vaccine should continue to be offered as an option where appropriate for people whose risk preferences and priorities it fits. I also believe that if J&J’s study of booster shots shows a benefit, everyone who was vaccinated with J&J should be offered a booster ASAP.

        • Anon

          This might be a silly question, but is there any harm in your case from getting the Pfizer after you already got the J&J?

          One of my kids received an immunization too early, and got an extra dose. No one worried about potential harm, just meeting the criteria that were required for school attendance.

        • Anonymous

          I agree completely. I had valid reasons to prefer Pfizer because of my own unique medical conditions, but it was darn near impossible to get a straight answer out of any vaccinating sites. Every single one dodged the question about what vaccine they would be using that day, even though I got there and a nurse let slip that “oh yeah it’s always Pfizer.” I understand that we needed public confidence in J&J, but constantly repeating “the best one is the one you can get” and “get the one that you can get today” and “you may be offered any of the three vaccines today” (when it wasn’t true) was inappropriate. I also know someone who wanted J&J due to an allergy risk with some ingredient in Pfizer, idk which, and he had the same experience where he could not find a site that would tell him what they were using. I found that wrong and I still do.

        • Anon

          You aren’t getting answers to availability because the sites don’t know. I volunteer at my county’s sister. What we get each week is determined by the state, what they get is determined by the federal government. You can’t give out reliable information about it. As far as getting Pfizer/Moderna after having received J&J there is no data on the safety (you are also protected against severe COVID and death, so it would be pretty selfish to take 2 vaccines when less than half the population is vaccinated).

          • Anonymous

            No, that’s what I’m saying – the sites DID know (for that week), but would decline to say on the phone. How is that fair to people with legitimate medical reasons to need one vaccine over the other, especially in cases of allergies?

    • Anon

      6 out of 6 million.

      Very simple, very basic education goes a long way. There’s a telling infographic floating out there about rates of severe reactions to birth control, the flu shot, giving birth, and other very standard, regular medicines and medical events. The headlines this AM didn’t do any good. They buried the lede and didn’t mention the 6/6.4m thing until too far in to the story in my opinion.

      The antivaxxers are antivax. I don’t care about them and we’ll never get them back, but that infographic I found already put my MIL in her place who texted furiously this AM about how she’s doomed because she got J&J last week. Once she saw that she stopped texting.

      • Anon

        I agree. I have posted about this before, but one reason I really hate clickbait headlines is because I think they have really damaged things during the pandemic. A lot of newspapers are using clickbait to highlight very rare side effects or very rare cases of reinfection or breakthrough cases of Covid after vaccination and I think it’s very damaging, like burying the lead.

          • anonshmanon

            For many people, trust issues against government/scientist telling you that something is safe when they know about significant risks are very much based in real facts. It’s called history. I trust scientific evidence, but I am not part of a group against which science has been used for centuries to justify atrocious treatment by the powers that be. Well, I guess I am, because there are also many scientific studies presumably proving the inferiority of women, but that’s all water under the bridge, right?
            Also concerns about allergic reactions are not made up. Why do you think they have this whole page of allergy questions before they give you the vaccine? Now if you would argue that any risk outweighs the benefit, I can agree with that, but that’s not actually the same as saying all your concerns are completely made up.

          • Anon

            The vaccine passports are discouraging people from getting vaccinated. It is a gross intrusive overreach, and people who are rightly concerned that we have already given up too much privacy and need to move in the other direction want to do anything they can to dissuade the government or private businesses from mandating these passports. (This is further compounded by the fact that the vaccines are under an emergency use authorization, and it’s literally illegal to mandate that people take a drug or vaccine under emergency use.) If there are, say, 30% of unvaccinated adults, the “vaccine passport” idea will go nowhere. If there’s only 5%, the 5% can be beaten into submission.

          • Anonymous

            I agree, anonshmanon. We do a disservice by pretending all concerns are just anti-vaxxer nonsense. We need to come up with thoughtful messaging and ways to reach people and that includes responding to their medical concerns.

          • anonshmanon

            For anyone wanting to dive into the ugly side of how ‘scientific evidence’ has been a tool to justify unequal treatment of women or people of color, I can recommend two books – ‘Inferior’ and ‘Superior’ by Angela Saini. Even though today studies looking for causalities between, for example, race and cognitive ability are rare (they haven’t gone away completely though!), these books make the connection between stereotypes that were once ‘scientific fact’ and live on as prejudice today. Science is trying to be better now, but there is undeniable baggage.

      • Anonymous

        I totally agree from a science standpoint 6/6M is not significant. Would love to hear thoughts on why, then, both the EU and the FDA are pausing the shots? I am already vax’d (with J&J!) and pro vax and not a conspiracy theorist. Is it out of an abundance of caution? Are there likely unreported cases? Are they concerned that it is a specific population (18-40s females) and looking for some kind of contra-indication for the shot (eg. BCP etc?)?

    • LawDawg

      My daughter is scheduled to get a J&J shot tomorrow. That’s the only vaccination she can complete before she comes home from college. So it’s either go tomorrow or wait a month. I’m not sure what to tell her…but I don’t know if Wal-Mart will make the decision for us.

      • Anon

        If anecdata reassures you, I got the J&J six weeks ago. I felt awful for 12 hours, and have been fine since.

      • No Problem

        She doesn’t have to get the second shot at the same place she got the first shot. So if they give her Moderna or Pfizer tomorrow, she can get the second one when she gets home.

      • LawDawg

        Her appointment was canceled. Since it is more difficult to get the vaccine doses in different states, we will wait. Besides, she had COVID in October, so she may still have antibodies making her current risk lower.

        • AnonMPH

          I got my first vaccine dose in one state and will get the second where I live. There are designated second dose providers everywhere, in my area it is Giant for Moderna and Safeway for Pfizer. I would suggest that your daughter not wait until May to get a vaccine if she can get one where she is now. By May you will certainly have enough availability of all vaccines where you are to get a second shot when she gets home.

      • Anonymous

        The site/state may make the decision for you unfortunately. In our state they just announced they are not using J&J. My husband got it over the weekend, so relieved he made it before the decision was made.

    • Cb

      Ugh, yikes! We’ve got restrictions on the Astra Zeneca, no one under 30. But now it appears that they’ve figured out the mechanism that causes the adverse reactions, and may be able to test for it. But I’m afraid it will slowdown the rollout.

    • Betsy

      As others have said, I think it’s really important not to be overly reactionary. It’s a super rare side effect, and the appropriate response is to pause and investigate. Science is working as it should!

      The only reason I AM devastated is that my brother is supposed to get J&J tomorrow and we are waiting to see whether our state will continue allowing appointments or not. Given that this is a super rare side effect, only occurring in women, and he is in a high exposure job, he wants to proceed as scheduled but is assuming he won’t be able to. Here’s hoping he’ll be able to get a different appointment soon.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah there is, but I think the severity of the outcome for these women (one death, one hospitalization) justifies it. I still bear in mind that you are far more likely to die from COVID than these rare blood clots, but this can and should be investigated as promptly and thoroughly as possible.

          • Anon

            But people are still on BCPs, which also carry a risk of stroke. BCPs and hormonal birth control are practically sacraments, but hardly risk-free to women.

          • Anonymous

            That has nothing to do with this. Hormonal birth control is a completely different type of medicine that has been around for 50 years. The risks are well-studied and understood. The same can’t be said for J&J by virtue of it being so new.

          • Anon

            With BCPs, the risk of clots/strokes is compared to being pregnant, so the risk of BCPs is lower than pregnancy, but higher than not taking BCPs and not getting pregnant. With the vaccine, it seems similar- it’s better than getting covid. However, if there are multiple vaccines and only some cause this, and there’s a a way to figure out who’s at greater risk, it makes sense to have higher risk people get the mRNA vaccines and low risk/people at higher risk of covid get the others. That’s what they’re doing in Europe, targeting by age, and they probably should do it by sex. If they can figure out other risk factors, like use of BCP, that would help too. I think that’s a good reason for a brief pause, to try to figure out how to target it. I suspect that the US made this decision knowing that there are large supplies of the mRNA vaccines available and it wouldn’t really slow down vaccination too much. At least in my area of CA, there are suddenly tons of appts available this week and I had no problem getting one for Pfizer tomorrow.

    • Anon

      I’m a biologist and have been following the research on this with the Astra Zeneca vaccine and it’s very, very likely that these clots are truly caused by the vaccine, as they’re an unusual combination of clots with low platelets, and the people with it produced antibodies that would cause that. However, it is also very, very rare (less than the incidence in the general population) and like many people have said, probably less than what’s caused by hormonal birth control. It’s a really tough risk-benefit situation to manage, especially if they can’t figure out why some people are more susceptible, though it does seem pretty likely that it’s mostly women who will have a problem.

      • AFT

        The AZ risk is still a lot higher than J&J, right? I’ve seen AZ as 4 in 1M, and J&J is more like 1 in 1M.

        • Anon

          I don’t think we know yet, but given the similarities between the vaccines, it’s probably the same thing. The AZ vaccine has been given to more people for longer, so I’d have more confidence in those numbers than JJ.

    • anon

      Writing from Canada, I’m no where near being offered a vaccine. However, if I were, honestly I’d be a bit hesitant to take the Astrazeneca or J&J (don’t think that one is available here anyways). I work from home, we see literally no one (the norm in our families/social groups), the entire province is shut down so we only going out for essentials, masks are mandatory and this is complied with, my risk of COVID complications is near zero…so basically I have near zero risk of getting COVID and very little risk of complications/spreading it if I do somehow get COVID. If the risk from the Astrazeneca vaccine, even if tiny, is anything above that why wouldn’t I wait another month or two and get a different one?

      • Anon

        When people have posted a similar stance before, they have received the response that you never know if you are going to get sick or injured and need to go to the hospital. At the time, I thought that was a little extremist but ….

        My neighbor was in a motorcycle accident right in front of my house. I was out there (with a mask) with a group of other first responders. Hours later, the police asked me to bring his phone and wallet to the hospital for him. (He had just been going around the block after working on the bike which is why he didn’t have them.) I’m in a small town and there was only one officer on duty, so he couldn’t do it. So, without hesitation (because I’d want someone to do it for me), I took the stuff to the hospital. To my surprise, since he didn’t have another visitor, reception wanted me to bring it directly to him and not to them or a nurse, so there could be no allegations of something being lost or stolen. The ER was packed at the time. I had a KN-95 on, plus a cloth mask and made it in and out in less than 10 minutes. But I immediately thought of the comments here and was like “yup, this is the kind of thing they are talking about.”

        I’ve had my first vaccine but it was less than a week prior so not yet that effective likely.

        • Anonymous

          That’s unfortunate for your neighbor, but a freak motorcycle accident that sends you to the hospital for 10 minutes to drop off info isn’t something you should really plan your life anticipating. Other things can happen, but when it’s a matter of waiting a few weeks for a different vaccine that you have a preference for, I don’t think you should rush a decision based on the risk of a truly freak accident occurring in the meantime.

      • Anon

        Because in Ontario, the case positivity rates are so scary high and these new variants are much more contagious so it’s still possible, due to the extent of community spread, that you could contract it even with your limited contacts.

  5. Anon

    Anybody have tips or tricks to heal skin quickly?

    My sh*tty brother doesn’t discipline his dog. It came flying at me on the couch and smacked me in the face, which is now both bruised and scratched. I have a Town Hall presentation in a week.

  6. Anon

    Anyone practicing law in Canada here? What does your practice look like and how do you like it?

    I’m a Canadian with a US law degree and have been working in the US for a decade now (litigation). My mother lives in Canada and her health has been slowly deteriorating. I’m thinking about going back to Canada to live closer to her (bringing her to the US is not feasible). A part of me also really wants to get away from NYC biglaw, and I crave something with a better work life balance and interesting policy issues. A position with the Crown seems really interesting. But I’m not excited about losing all of my professional network and having to start all over again, even though it’s my home country. I also heard from one person at a Toronto big firm that the pay is much less compared to US biglaw and they still work the same amount. Is this true?

    • Equestrian attorney

      I`m in Canada (biglaw M&A). We are definitely paid less than US biglaw (and taxed more, although we get free healthcare and I get 12 months full pay mat leave). Salaries aren`t as transparent as the US but NALP will give an idea and some payscales are public. You won`t be paid the same in Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal or Calgary. My billable target is also lower than my US counterparts (tends to be around 1700-1900 for big firms in my experience). I think I have slightly better work-life balance than I would in the US but it’s definitely not a chill 9-5 gig.
      I know people who came back from NY and work in-house for international/American companies, so that might be something to look into. I’m not sure how easy it is to lateral into a Crown position if you weren’t doing litigation in Canada, but that’s really not my area.

    • Anonymous

      I’d look into working for justice as department counsel. You are officially a justice employee but functionally are on loan to a specific department for a specific piece of legislation and you become the expert for that law working on all amendments, the whole gazette process, any cases pertaining to that law etc. It’s really interesting and a 9-5. Depending on the department/legislation you could also end up doing international stuff. Pay is not big law but the public service pension and salary are pretty good. Plus vacation, real vacation.

    • anon

      Not sure which part of Canada, but assuming Ontario/GTA:

      Check out lawstudents.ca for info on big law salaries in Toronto – it’s under the subforum for “Articling Students and Lawyers.” Info on partner earnings is obviously way more variable (not sure if that would be your goal in coming over.) There’s also a lot of talk about workload there.

      Realistically you are going to struggle to get a job as a Crown, assuming you want to be in a population centre – they are unionized positions and almost none are open competitions. You can only apply if you are a current/recent MAG employee. There is a whole process for getting in the door in the core public sector – it typically involves accepting short term “emergency” contracts for a few months at a time and then longer contracts, and then eventually after 3 years you roll over into a permanent position. This sucks early in your career but is untenable for many if you have kids/mortgage/etc. etc. You can get a general idea of salary ranges on the sunshine law list posted each year.

      Federal Crown positions, based on my understanding, pay very poorly compared to the province. In Ontario, they are also not really available in the GTA – you’d need to be in Ottawa/Kingston/etc.

      There are a variety of broader public sector employers that may be a better fit for your experience – think the big big Crown corporations (OPG, LCBO, OSC, OLG, IESO, Metrolinx, etc. etc.) – they don’t have the same barrier to entry as the core public service, they pay better, and they are more likely to value big law experience because the work is more traditionally “corporate.” Ditto large municipalities, which typically pay well but can be very political/unstable places to work.

  7. anon

    Now that we’re slowly returning to a new normal, I’ve realized that I have zero interest in forcing myself to do obligatory social events. I’m not talking about ones that feed the soul, with my close family and friends. Those are the ones I want to keep and can’t wait to return to. But I am way less interested in going to ones that feel like a chore, with people that I don’t have a particularly close relationship with and don’t really wish to. Anyone else feel this way?

    So this is where I might be the a-hole … DH’s extended family is among the groups I’m talking about. They have all behaved abysmally throughout the pandemic, including having Christmas merely weeks after FIL — their brother and uncle — died from Covid. They hosted big weddings and showers during the worst stages of the pandemic. I’ve posted about this before. I basically want nothing to do with these people now and have muted them on Facebook so I don’t have to deal with seeing their idiocy. Our relationship was never close, but now I know who they really are. I’ve decided that I’m okay with going to family events when DH is with me, but I have zero interest in doing the many bridal and baby showers and ladies brunches that this family will be having in the upcoming year. (He has a bazillion cousins, all of whom are in their late 20s through early 30s and are fully in the marriage and baby phase.) I don’t feel like my presence will be missed, they literally invite the whole town so they’re not intimate events at all, and I frankly just don’t want to. But I’ve never been the person to not show up, and I sort of feel like a jerk by setting this boundary. If there’s anyone that I’m worried about hurting, it’s actually my MIL, who loves to show off her grandkid (my daughter) at these events.

    I’d love to hear how others are grappling with what their social lives might look like, post-pandemic. I am vaccinated so don’t really have a good excuse for missing things.

    • Anon

      Don’t go. Setting boundaries is not a jerk move. The only thing that is a jerk move is saying that you will go and then bailing at the last second. You absolutely have every right to set whatever boundaries you want and in this case you are completely justified in never speaking to these *ssholes again, much less celebrating their lives. Life is too short to spend it with awful people.

    • Anon

      i will say when i read the beginning of your post and you said “social events that feel like a chore” you meant more like things involving work.
      i’m vaccinated too and was invited to an indoor bridal shower at a restaurant for my cousin, but i am not attending. even though i’m vaccinated, i’m not comfortable eating indoors and i have two small children. granted, i also live out of town and was more invited as a courtesy since i would not fly in for that anyway. however, as of now i also do not plan on attending the wedding this summer. i’m just not yet comfortable with situations without masks with strangers. to me attending a wedding is like dining indoors and i’m just not there yet. i do feel badly that i am not going to attend since she attended my wedding, and maybe i’d feel differently if it was a cousin i was closer with or if i lived locally (i have to fly to the wedding, and i do plan on flying earlier in the summer for something else, but the wedding is very close to when my kids start school and i don’t want to mess with that).

    • Anon

      I did a slow fade of this type years ago, when my ILs became infested by MLMs and every woman-centric event turned into a sales pitch. Now they don’t even think to include me for the showers/brunches, which I’m thrilled about. Your reasons are even more justified–being forced to buy stupid trash is obviously not as bad as spreading serious illness!

    • Cat

      1. I assume you’ve done this already, but be sure you and your husband are a united front on this. That prevents anyone in his family from whining to him “whyyy won’t Anon be there” and him being unprepared with a response.

      2. Assuming you want to preserve a civil relationship, have an explanation that’s not “bc I didn’t care about these events to begin with and now even less.” Something about prioritizing your availability for the main event (wedding, meeting the baby, etc) that’s not reliant on always having some specific conflicting plans.

      3. You’re not a bad person for doing this.

      • Anon

        Just to add on to this, I have a very gracious friend that is my social #goals, and one thing I learned from her is when she declines an invitation, she almost never says why. She just graciously declines and offers whatever other well wishes are appropriate. I assume she usually has actually a legitimate conflict, but the beauty of what she does is this way if she doesn’t have a legitimate conflict once in awhile it’s not all of a sudden weird when she doesn’t offer a full explanation. Also, even with a legitimate conflict, pressuring from the other side can happen and feelings can get irrationally hurt that that conflict is taking priority even if that’s nonsense.

        I aspire to try to remember this every time, but still often word vomit an overly detailed explanation of why I can’t do something. Ha.

        • No Face

          This could describe me. “I/we can’t make it, but have a good time!” After the event, if it was very important to the friend, “Hope your whatever went well!” Then listen thoughtfully as the friend described the event.

          I have a very, very large extended family and could not attend every single event if I tried. There are certain things I never attend (gender reveals, anything late night because I am a sleepy person). No one has held it against me. When I do go, I am fully present.

        • Bonnie Kate

          I aspire to do this too! I also try and remember an invitation is not a summons, we don’t need to give reasons to not attend.

        • Flats Only

          This. You don’t have to be “the person who doesn’t show up”. You can be the person who promptly and politely declines, expresses best wishes and send a gift if it’s appropriate.

        • Blueberries

          When I host, I really don’t want to hear why someone can’t attend. I care about getting a prompt response either way and it’s lovely, though not strictly necessary, if someone expresses that they wish they could attend along with regrets.

          I would feel awful if someone felt they needed to justify why they weren’t attending. I invite people to things because I’d enjoy their company and think they’d enjoy whatever the event it. It’s not a summons and it’d be a lot harder to invite people if I thought they’d feel obligated to say yes.

          Only exception is if someone says yes and then bails at the last minute. When I do that, I tend to explain that I’m not feeling well and didn’t want to risk sharing germs.

    • Anon

      Even if you take the pandemic totally out of it, I can’t imagine constantly filling my calendar with a bunch of social events for people as tangential to me as a DH’s cousin, especially if as you say there are a ton of them. Free time is precious. We all only have the capacity to be close to a handful of people. Graciously decline.

      • Anonymous

        Yes this. I just have no qualms about RSVPing no to showers if I’m not super close to the bride and don’t genuinely want to go. I find they wind up taking a huge amount of time out of my day and I don’t usually have fun. I always send a card and a gift and don’t worry about it further.

    • Anon

      Not what you asked but bridal showers and baby showers ALWAYS feel like work to me. If I can possibly avoid them, I do. In your situation, though, I think you need to discuss this with your husband because your lack of participation may land on him more heavily than on you.

      • anon

        Fair point. As a dude, I don’t think he fully understands how burdensome these events are, from the time it takes to shop for a gift to the actual event itself. Not to mention all the emotional labor, blah blah blah. I will gladly show up and put forth lots of effort for my nearest and dearest, including hosting. But I’m realizing this more tangential stuff soaked up a lot of my bandwidth in Before Times.

      • Cat

        I replied above but agree with this, too. I didn’t even want to have my OWN shower but was pressured into it by my aunts.

      • Anon

        Just think for a moment about how unfair that is. He doesn’t have to attend the shower, make small talk, I’m guessing he’s not buying the gift, definitely not trying to figure out what to wear, etc but if she doesn’t attend, it will “land heavily” on him. Stop the madness!

        • anon

          It’s completely unfair, and I’m thoroughly over it. Just because I’m the woman in the couple doesn’t mean I should be fully responsible for this life event stuff.

    • The Original ...

      Best teal or turquoise to paint an accent wall? Wanting something not too green but a teal or turquoise as opposed to a blue. Hoping to not have to do too many coats but painting a greige wall. Will go on the living room wall with a slate grey couch on it, trim is rental apartment white. (Not a color but also for sure a color to me, sort of like how blue isn’t a flavor except in popsicles and then it for sure is, in my opinion.)

      • The Original ...

        nesting fail, apologies, will repost below.

        As for this, slow fade and go with a general rejection if asked “already have plans that day” might work (if your plans are to do anything else ever in life, it still holds true). They can think you busy without taking it personally which they may prefer and you have the out.

    • Anonymous

      I skip these events for both my family and DH’s family. I think these sorts of events are kind of self important and a tremendous amount of emotional labour. I didn’t have these events for myself and I’m not interested in attending them for other people.

    • Anon

      Can you send your kid with MIL? Say you are unable to make it but she’s still welcome to bring her grandchild. Then she’s happy and you get a free day of babysitting!

      • AFT

        Was going to make the same suggestion (and I think this may be a “implement after COVID is over (sigh)” suggestion b/c I wouldn’t want to put my kid in a room with a bunch of COVID plague rats….
        Send your kid with MIL if they will both enjoy it, and if you need to tell the fib of “I’d love to go to cousin susie’s third baby shower, but I actually have a big project due that Monday… would you be able to take [kid]?” and then put as little effort into it as possible. Or even ask Grandma to purchase a gift from you both and you’ll pay her back!

      • anon

        OP doesn’t mention how old her child is, but I would be extremely careful about sending a young child to a large family event with a grandparent. Those events are prime time for small children to get hurt or wander away or end up in the swimming pool–the house may not be babyproofed, a guest may leave the back door open, pets are often overly excited, and there’s a tendency to think someone else is watching the baby or just get distracted. DH and I spent years working out a protocol to make sure one of us had eyes on our son at all times during extended family gatherings after we figured out that the grandparents just didn’t get it. Obviously, once the child is 5 or so, the risk is much lower.

        • Anon

          Yeah, honestly as a mom this suggestion (for the MIL to bring the kid) made me cringe a bit. Like the idea that these events are too unpleasant/frequent for the OP to attend (no judgement! I agree OP shouldn’t go!) but she would subject her kid to them? Who will no doubt find them even more boring?! And to your point, with an MIL who probably isn’t quite in tune to the level of attention the kid will need, especially when as the adult she will want to socialize, etc. (it’s hard to accept even as a parent you can’t do the level of grown up socializing you want to do at parties that you want to).. I can’t imagine for most MIL/kid situations this would work out well, although I’m sure there are some.

          • anon

            OP here. My MIL is lovely, but she has mobility issues and I would not put her in that position to watch my daughter at a public event. She’s 6 and well behaved overall, but still pretty wiggly and active. And I don’t trust my DH’s aunts at all, who would likely swoop in to “help.”

          • Anon

            I was the one that made the suggestion and I realize in retrospect it was a bit of “I had to suffer through these as a child, the next generation has to as well” which really isn’t accurate.

    • Anon

      I feel like once our kids are old enough you can use their activities as excuses. Send a lovely gift along with your MIL. If it’s cousins I honestly don’t feel like it’s so important – I’d go for a sibling in law.

      • Anon for this

        I think that would be pretty rude to use kids’ activities as a constant excuse to get out of life events. If you don’t want to go, just don’t give a reason.

        • Anon

          +1 just know that if you do constantly use kid’s sports as the excuse (even if it’s true!), I definitely know some people that are offended that those take priority over the events in question here so I think it is just best not to give a reason.

        • Anon

          I don’t think I’m being rude if I am driving my kid to a soccer game that was already scheduled months ago – maybe my family is more relaxed?

          • Anonymous

            I don’t think you’re rude for doing it. I do think providing it as an explanation every time is rude.

          • Anon

            I don’t think it’s rude that you are prioritizing that, but I do think trust us when we say it is better just to say you can’t go and leave it at that with well wishes than explicitly spelling that out as the reason. It’s not the end of the world on either end -it won’t end the friendship or anything – and I don’t know if I can articulate why exactly this might push some buttons, but I think it just does. Like, I think the idea that you probably have a game or something every single weekend that may make that friend just feel defeated that there was no time or day she could have planned this that would have worked. If that friend is sensitive to feeling left out already due to her friends having older kids, it’s just kind of a trigger. Maybe this all doesn’t apply to OP’s exact situation (a cousin-in-law may or may not be this level of sensitive to it).

            And I have elementary school aged kids in activities, so I get it from that end.

          • Anon

            I mean, if it’s “Sorry, Aunt Jess, can’t come to your wedding because Billy has his 10th soccer practice of the week” I can see why feelings would be hurt.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, it’s more the “this seven-year-old’s soccer practice that he has 4x a week is more important than your major life event” that comes off wrong. Just don’t give a reason.

          • Blueberries

            I think absolutely any reason, including that you’d rather watch Netflix at home, is a fine reason to decline an invitation. However, there’s no need to explain why you declined, unless it’s for a small event and you want to signal when you’d be free (“we can’t make it to lunch on Saturday because we’re out of town next week, but we’re around for the rest of the spring.”)

            Giving a reason risks making the host feel snubbed if they don’t understand the reason.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t need an excuse to miss things! You are in charge of your own schedule. You’ll probably get some pushback no matter what you do so you may as well do exactly what you want. I’m sorry your DH’s extended family is so awful and I would 100% be canceling engagements with them too.

    • anon

      I definitely have this feeling about some events. I live in New Orleans, and I will never go to another Mardi Gras ball again. I already hated them, and I refuse to pay directly to the organizations, but I have agreed to go as an invitee of others. Not anymore.

      Also, we’ll reduce how many extended family gatherings we attend. It’s not because anyone has done anything wrong, though. My son is neuro-atypical and has always struggled at large social events like birthday parties and extended family gatherings. We took him anyways, because it was important to the family and because we thought it would get better as he practiced. This year, I’ve seen how much of an introvert he is, and how downtime at home on the weekends restores him. His behavior at school is improved when he goes to school on Mondays refreshed. My in-laws are divorced but both live locally. We will probably limit him to one social event each weekend, if that. Also, the winter holidays are crazy, with 2-4 large family gatherings on each side within 1-2 days. (Pre-kid, we attended 6 Christmas parties within 24 hours. Cutting it down to 3 felt light, but I see now that it wasn’t for our son.) From now on, we’ll probably “trade off,” so we do a large Thanksgiving gathering with one side of the family and a large Christmas gathering with the other, and try to spend one-on-one time with the grandparents. I’m sure people won’t like our decision, but at least our son’s well-being is a good reason.

      • anon

        OP here. Yes, big family events are really hard on my non-neurotypical kid, too. And by extension, us. It’s not something I feel like I can talk about with many people because there’s so much judgment. Just because it’s faaaamily doesn’t make it any easier! It’s gotten somewhat easier as he’s otten older, but in post-pandemic life, I feel more empowered to stick up for what’s best for our immediate family even if it ruffles feathers.

      • theguvnah

        who cares if she does. why are you in a scorekeeping competition with your SIL? just stop the insanity.

    • Anon

      I feel you. I have an adult niece I just love to pieces (she’s actually my cousin but functionally we are like aunt and niece) who works in the medical field for gods sake and has been partying like it’s 1999.

      She also let me know this morning she will not be getting vaccinated because if it’s like the flu shot, every time she has a flu shot she gets the flu. I am not making this up. It is ducking ridiculous (thanks to Siri for keeping me out of m0d) and I really feel like the pandemic will be what changed our relationship forever.

    • aBr

      Pre-COVID we slowly phased out of doing a lot of family events. As someone that also hated not showing up, we normally set up conflicts on why we couldn’t attended (e.g., vacation for Christmas). After a few times, it broke the expectation that we would always be there and over the last few years we’ve been able to navigate boundaries of what we do and do not go to – most recently, we will not go to the big family brunch, but we would love to stop by on [insert day] to see you. I promise you so much of it is just starting the process of breaking the expectation that you will automatically be there.

  8. Skinny jeans

    What’s the new jeans look for a business casual office? That used to mean to me dark skinny jeans with flats, a silk blouse, and a maybe a blazer if I was feeling fancy, but that feels so dated. I would like to get a few updated pieces before going back, but I don’t know what’s in. I’m seeing a lot of looser and lighter styles at my go to Jcrew, but that doesn’t seem like it will be a good look for the office.

    • anon

      Bootcuts or trouser jeans with a nice top? IDK, I don’t think dark skinnies are dated; they’re becoming more of a classic at this point.

      • Anon

        Agreed that this is not dated. I’m not going for trendy at the office, I’m going for polished, and dark skinny jeans are polished.

    • Bonnie Kate

      +1 to trouser jeans. Also anything higher waisted. The key to looser styles for me is that they need to fit well around my hips and butt and then fall loosely down – more of a tailored look. I am not down with Gen Z pleated poofy pants yet.

      • anne-on

        Ugh, this is SO f’in hard to find fit-wise in terms of pants, which was why I was thrilled when skinny jeans became office appropriate. If we go back to trouser cuts I’m going straight to a-line or pencil skirts in cotton because pants that do the ‘fit your waist and butt’ but then skim loosely over my larger thighs do not seem to exist and I feel like I spent all of the aughts and early 2010s looking for them….

        • Anon

          My issue is that pants that fit my waist hang off my old, rapidly disappearing butt and thighs. I get lots of the right kinds of exercise, but the post-menopause muscle mass loss is real, y’all.

    • NYNY

      I think lighter denim always reads casual, and a lot of new jeans seem geared towards weekend/wfh vs. office. And full disclosure, I was never onboard with skinny jeans, because I didn’t like how they looked or felt on my hips and legs, and I am celebrating the return of wide legs. But I agree with everyone saying dark denim (or black or white), high waist, and wider leg is the way to go. I’ve seen some places selling “slim wide leg” or something similar, which may be a way to try out the silhouette without going all in?

      • anon

        Agree that dark denim is better for the office; lighter washes always read casual/weekend.

  9. Anon

    BigLaw branch office question. If you have been slow this year and largely WFH / unsupervised, how would you react to being told you had to work a Friday or Saturday night (on a deadline-driven project, not a made-up deadline) and while you could do it in the office (which is open but very spread out) or at home? The balking is from a very junior person; I know that the partner will actually be working on this and will probably have to work later to double-check the junior’s work (I work on another part of the project and loosely oversee the junior). IDK if I need to have a gentle talk or just let the pieces fall where they may. But since this year is so weird, I feel like I need to ask if this is unreasonable in the first place (me: no; the work comes in when the work comes in; this is not bad at all, considering). I am happy that we have work to do but it’s not like I have a life right now. I think that the people with work have been so overwhelmed this year that the juniors have been left a bit adrift and if they only work 20 hours a week, they resent when it interrupts anything (and they seem to be living life normally, so they are probably upsetting their social plans for work, which is just how BigLaw is, and if you lose a weekend evening, it’s not like there isn’t a second weekend evening just as good as the first). IDK. This year has messed with my head in so many ways.

    • Anonymous

      Um what? A junior associate is pushing back against working on a weekend night when the work is necessary to meet a deadline AND the partner and junior associate will also be working on the project? And this same junior associate has been slow for the last year? I am considered a low-biller at my big law firm (probably leaving soon) and this just strikes me as so ridiculous. I would not hesitate to fire that person if I had the power to. We get paid a ridiculous amount of money to be available at all times. I certainly take advantage of times when I am slow, but if I’m asked to do something on a time sensitive basis I just do it. That’s the job.

    • Anon

      i very briefly worked in big law and i know that working friday and saturday nights and canceling social plans is par for the course, but i really have always wondered if there are ways to plan better so that the work does not have to be done on a friday or saturday night? i also think the junior associates, particularly those who are less than 2 years out of law school, have spent most of their time at the firm during wfh covid and aren’t necessarily aware of all the typical expectations. when things go back to being more ‘normal,’ i anticipate some of them are in for a rude awakening and steep learning curve, but you also can’t necessarily blame them bc with wfh, they don’t have the same access to people, like to stop by someone’s office to ask a quick question, or being in the office to observe norms

      • Anon

        I think that it can be when you are negotiating a deal, documents are out for comments that are due by X, so at say X + 3 hours, partner has reviewed comments and has given you directions on the updated documents that need to be turned by Y if the deal must close by Z. So maybe the junior doesn’t get all that, they just get annoyed.

        OTOH, I work on regulatory filings that have a hard due date, so sometimes we work up until then 24/7 but usually not barring surprises / delays on getting info / etc.

        Court stuff is a wild card — I’m thinking of where a judge is “brief this issue for me by lunch tomorrow” and then that is what you go and do until it is done.

        • Anon

          but especially in a remote environment, where this junior doesn’t observe this happening, and has been remote for a year – does this junior know this? like you don’t specify how junior this person is. have they been remote all along?

          • Anon

            While this all may be true, I think it is on the junior to convey that they are eager to help and not be remotely close to having a whining tone. They can control that. I hate to say it, but the clients control everything; anyone up the food chain from you is really just the messsenger.

            This is why a lot of clients refuse to pay for first years and bar them from working on their projects.

    • AnonATL

      I don’t even work in big law, and I have to work on weekends periodically. If it’s a pattern, I could see complaining about it, but occasionally is nbd. Better grow up buttercup.

    • Anon

      I guess I’d push a little for what the issue is. If she just wants her weekend free, have the come to Jesus meeting with her. If it turns out she doesn’t have child care or is caring for a sick parent on the weekend or something, that’s a different story.

    • Anonymous

      As someone already said, I believe there is going to be a rude awakening to a lot of young associates in bigger firms here in the next few months as things get back to normal. They’ve been at home over a year now. Hearings are by Zoom. Hours expectations are relaxed. Partners don’t honestly know if you’re working for someone else or not on a moment to moment basis. Things have become way too lax around my office.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve also noticed a trend of junior associates not following typical biglaw expectations during COVID — turning down work or missing deadlines because they’re “too busy” even when they are not billing at 100%, not making themselves available on weekends and evenings when it’s necessary, not responding promptly. I don’t have the emotional energy to deal with these people’s resentment at being told to work harder so I just find other people to do the work. I won’t be asking these lazy associates for work in the future and would assume their options will dry up pretty quickly.

      • Anon

        That’s kind of where I am. I have tried, but I don’t feel like they are willing to be how much more effort it takes to get them involved and chase after them to get work back to review, to review and fix, to try to get on their calendar to give them feedback. I could be done in half the time or less to just do it myself.

        • Equestrian attorney

          +1. I try hard to be respectful of people’s time, but I’ve had two juniors announce that they were going on vacation on the date of a closing (which was scheduled a long time ago and announced when they were onboarded into the file), or just announce that they can`t work this weekend when I (senior associate) and the partner on the file will definitely be working all weekend for a very real emergency and it’s honestly not a great look.

          • Anon

            We must work at the same place.

            I’ve also gotten, “I am leaving early b/c I have to catch my flight to this destination wedding I’m in.” Whaaaaa? Like I’m glad I know that b/c I hope you will not be coming back into the office next week and staying far away from the rest of us who actually need to get work done and not deal with the disuption of getting exposed or actually sick.

    • anne-on

      I don’t work in biglaw, and I’m not even client facing and I still have to work on weekends sometimes. It happens, and my team is really good about encouraging us to then flex our time and go quiet when things are slow.
      If they’re balking at this and you’ve tried to gently set expectations already I’d be tempted to wash my hands of it and let them get counseled out.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I am definitely seeing some of the stuff people are mentioning here – juniors are too busy/not responsive, but their hours don’t reflect that and it’s difficult to know what’s going on, so I agree with the suggestion to try to understand if something else is going on, or if they are just being difficult.

      Irrespective of the context, the point for me is always that if work needs to be done at a junior level, and the person at that level refuses to do it, someone else has to do it. Often, when you say to a junior ‘so if you’re not going to do it, how do you suggest we handle it’ they soon come to realise that it is their job and the solution isn’t ‘oh the partner can do it’. If they don’t realise that, they need to be educated about law firm profitability, and if they still don’t get it, then they are not suited to the job. It comes down to the bottom line, which isn’t always obvious to juniors and they think people just dump on them because they can. That may be true at times, but often it is a case of other people being too expensive and the work needing to be done at the appropriate level in line with client expectations.

    • DC

      I’m in BigLaw in litigation. Yeah, this is a non-starter. All BigLaw lawyers need to work when the work needs to be done, and even more so junior associates. It’s not like weekend work stops when you get more senior, either. It’s just how it is. If you are the senior associate on the project, I suggest you tell the junior associate that working nights and weekends when necessary is a requirement of this job, the work must be done, and they will need to rearrange their personal plans to do it. If they have something scheduled like a wedding then you look into alternative staffing. Honestly, if a junior associate hasn’t been busy and it turning down work, that is a huge red flag.

      • Panda Bear

        Yum yes, particularly a dal tadka style dish with the ginger and onions stirred in towards the end of cooking.

    • Cat

      Tossed in balsamic with veggies and nuts as a cold side dish.
      With hummus & pita (we cheat here and buy the TJ’s pouches – Madras Lentil is our favorite).
      Added to a salad to make it more filling.

        • Cat

          The original we tried – I forget where we got the recipe – was with carrots & walnuts. But you can take this a lot of directions depending on your favorites. Beets & almonds was another good one. The important thing is that it’s a relatively crunchy vegetable for texture purposes.

    • Anon

      I usually eat them in soup or as dal, but I made some pretty good lentil “meatballs” a few months ago. The recipe was in the Cool Beans cookbook, but you can probably improvise- I think it was a mix of lentils, onions, breadcrumbs, and I used a flax egg instead of an actual egg for binder, pan-fried in olive oil.

    • Ribena

      Puy lentils – in a salad, or warm with sausages

      Green lentils – as a meat replacement in bolognese sauce or shepherds pie

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I often make them into salads with different vinaigrettes and vegetables mixed in for easy lunches that keep for the week. I also make a taco spice mix and use them as taco filling or for nachos. The lemony lentil soup recipe on Gimme Some Oven is delicious, too.

    • SSJD

      Mujadara
      Cooked in a stew and eaten over green rice
      Cooked into patties (lentil burgers)
      In a cold salad with cherry tomatoes, herbs, vinaigrette, scallions

    • Anon

      We bake layers of lentils and beans with tomato sauce and cheeses, like a lasagna. Easy to add veg as well, to taste.

    • Anonymous

      Salad with feta cheese, pomegranate seeds and spring onions and a lemon vinaigrette.

      Lentil roast / «meatloaf». (Recipes often found as a veggie christmas dish.

    • NYNY

      Grain bowl of quinoa dressed with lemon & dill, lentils, feta, and whatever raw veg I have around – cucumbers, shaved carrots, avocado, grape tomatoes, arugula have all made the cut.

      Also love making a lentil salad with warm lentils, herbs, and diced carrots & shallots and adding the vinaigrette while the lentils are still warm. Can be served warm under or beside a protein (roasted chicken thighs or cod are delicious), and leftovers are good cold as is for lunch the next day.

    • Anonymous

      I mix lentils and Boca ground meat replacement crumbles together 50/50. I use as a ground meat substitute.

    • Anan

      Milk Street has a recipe for apple cider braised lentils that are amazingly delicious- I just eat it plain, maybe with a dollop of goat cheese. You have to use French lentils for it, which I think is part of why the recipe works so well.
      Also love Moosewood’s lentil bulgar salad- like tabbouleh but heartier.

  11. Anonymous

    Any new recommendations for historical fiction? I’m kind of on an American history kick and would love anything from the Civil War or the Revolutionary War, especially if told from a female perspective. I also listened to a good podcast about Sacajawea and would be interested in learning more about exploration of the west as well. Any ideas? I would also be open to good biographies or gripping nonfiction – The Indifferent Stars Above about the Donner Party is still one of the best nonfiction books I’ve ever read.

    • Anonymous

      Have you done outlander? The early books and TV seasons are set in Scotland, Paris, and the west Indies, but then they come to the US during the revolutionary war.

      • Anonymous

        Not yet but that sounds great! I thought they were just in Scotland, but if it’s all over the world, that’s even more appealing. Thanks!

        • Anon

          A lot of the later books are set in North Carolina, and as someone who moved there in middle age, I learned a ton about how the Revolution played out in the South (Diana Gabaldon is really meticulous in her historical research). The Outlander characters move around and end up in the middle of lots of important events, but I especially liked getting a view of what was happening places other than the NE, which is most of what I learned in school.

    • AnonMPH

      Just finishing News of the World, set in reconstruction. From a male perspective but with a key female main character. I’ve been enjoying it!

    • Anon

      I don’t have an answer that exactly meets your criteria, but I’d also like recs along those lines. Books I’ve liked recently about the west included The Cold Millions (labor battles in Washington), Outlawed (alternate history of a band of outlaws in a society where fertility is prized above all else), The Four Winds (great depression, also labor rights), and How Much of These Hills Is Gold (chinese sisters during the CA gold rush). None of these are quite as historical as I think you’re looking for, but were good reads. I also liked the film First Cow, and the miniseries Godless, by the same director as the Queen’s Gambit. For Revolutionary War times, America’s First Daughter about Jefferson’s daughter was pretty good, and there was a similar book about Eliza Hamilton (My Dear Hamilton) by the same author I also liked.

    • Senior Attorney

      Historical fiction with a time travel twist: Kindred by Octavia E. Butler. SO GREAT.

    • Anonymous

      Conjure Women was awesome, and so was the Traitor’s Wife (about Benedict Arnold! I went down the rabbit hold on learning more about the history of that, so good)

  12. Anon

    I’ve just accepted a job offer. It’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to do, and it is a wonderful end to a stressful few months of job-hunting,

    Sometimes things just work out. That thing you’re hoping for? May it work out for you too.

  13. The Original ...

    Best teal or turquoise to paint an accent wall? Wanting something not too green but a teal or turquoise as opposed to a blue. Hoping to not have to do too many coats but painting a greige wall. Will go on the living room wall with a slate grey couch on it, trim is rental apartment white. (Not a color but also for sure a color to me, sort of like how blue isn’t a flavor except in popsicles and then it for sure is, in my opinion.)

    • H13

      Check out Juniper ash from Behr. I used it in a bedroom and moved and then used it again because I loved it so much.

    • Anon

      Don’t do this unless you want you space to look like a “before” photo. If you’re dying for an accent wall, consider a modern wallpaper.

      • The Original ...

        Not allowed in the rental, it’s either paint or nothing and the nothing looks like a beige box.

      • kitten

        Haha, one of my favorite designer/influencers just posted a video of trends you need to retire and the random accent wall was one of them (along with live laugh love signs).

    • Anonymous

      If you want to avoid multiple coats, try to pick a color that has some white in it, as white pigments are more opaque (think zinc oxide sunscreen). It can be really hard to tell which colors have white in them, but the paint store may be able to tell you if one you are considering is a good candidate. In general look for colors that are at least slightly muted or a pastel.

      Not sure if this is too pastel for you, but I found this post useful when picking out a peachy color for our apartment –
      https://stylebyemilyhenderson.com/blog/favorite-pastel-paint-colors-grown-ups
      Because I am cheap, I picked a similar color from Home Depot’s Behr Ultra Premium Plus, which is a great paint and relatively affordable.

    • Anon

      I recently used Sherwin Williams Reflecting Pool in my living room. It’s bright, but happy and wonderful. I was painting over a medium gray and 2 coats was perfect.

    • Shananana

      not as an accent wall, but my bedroom is 2 coats of SW Lagoon and it is my favorite room in the house. Its a LOOK and darker in my space then online.

    • CountC

      I used Valspar Dreamy Teal on my living room accent wall and I LOVE it. I am happy to share pics if you have a burner email!

    • Allie

      Not what you’re asking for but the only modern looking painted accent walls I’ve seen are dark navy or dark green rn.

  14. Anon

    I bought the Jergens Natural Glow tanning moisturizer for the first time in a few years, and the scent is way stronger than I remember. I had to wash it off – I couldn’t stand it. Can anyone recommend a similar product that is unscented or mildly scented, and hopefully isn’t super expensive?

    • anon

      I’ve had good results with the Isle of Paradise self tanning drops. You just mix them into your favorite moisturizer.

    • Anony

      I’ve had really good luck with Tan-Luxe products. They are a littler pricey but they have almost no scent or work really well.

    • eertmeert

      Second the Isle of Paradise and Tan-Luxe options.

      I would also recommend using St Tropez express mousse or Bondi Sands Express. You can leave it on for a couple hours and wash it off. I like to tan before I go to sleep so that I sleep through the smelliest part. So, I’ll apply the mousse at 7pm, wash it off at 10pm right before I go to sleep. The tan develops overnight. If you want lighter color, leave it on for 1 hour.
      I also have a thicker sheet that I use to sleep in those nights.
      I’d rather get it over with a couple nights a week than low-key deal with the smell every day.

  15. Anon for this

    I was wondering if we could get an update about moderation policies around here. This morning, multiple posts came in so late that there is now at least one duplicate thread (J&J). I have also noticed that certain subjects seem to be “locked” or that certain threads send every comment to moderation. Have there been any policy changes lately or any efforts to speed things along?

    • No Face

      I would love to know this. I would say about half my comments stay in mod, and I have no idea why. I have a comment about declining social events in mod right now.

      • Anon for this

        That’s what I had in mind. Same with g e n d e r. However, on some of the recent threads on that subject, I did not use either of those words and every comment still went to moderation and it seemed like others did too since it would be completely silent, then a sudden influx of 20+ comments. I didn’t see anything in the commenting policy about shutting down posts based on subject matter.

    • anon

      for the first time in forever I watched my post actually get posted instantly. And it was about the vaccine/antivaxxers, words that might be mod flags. Let’s see if this one sits..

  16. Anon

    Any tips about starting work in a firm after leaving a clerkship? I am wrapping up my clerkship (two years at a state supreme court) and am about to start in private practice (complex personal injury/medical negligence litigation). I will not be billing and this is not big law, but any advise/words of wisdom are welcome!

    • Cat

      Can you explain why not Apple? Airpods and Beats can be used like any other Bluetooth headphones – they work with all phones.

      • AntsGoMarching

        Not Sunshine, but airpods have a battery that cannot be replaced and so literally come with a planned death date.

    • anonymous

      My husband has the Aukey Wireless ear buds and likes them. We have Android phones. He uses them with his laptop too.

    • Digby

      I have Jabra wireless earbuds (model 75t, maybe), and like them a lot. I use them only for listening to music while working out, so can’t speak to phone quality.

      • BabyAssociate

        +1, I have used mine daily for two years for both exercise and calls. Love them.

      • Anonymous

        I have these and use them for calls and zooms as well as podcasts. I like them a lot!

    • eertmeert

      I love the Avantree wireless earbuds. I have small ear canals and the 110 are the best fit ever, and the 115 were good enough until I got the 110 and now they feel chunky.

  18. Honey

    Hive,
    Give me your very best travel advice! My sisters and I want to go someplace warm next February (assuming the pandemic is in a better place, obviously.) Our travel group includes a grandparent, a one year old, a ten year old and one of us is in a wheelchair. Accessibility, a pool and good food is important to us. Open to all-inclusive and coming from the northeast US. Where would you go and where would you stay?

    • Anon

      My family really enjoyed the Hyatt Ziva all inclusive resort in puerto vallerta. It was just DH and I but it would be a great spot for a bigger family with different ages/needs.

    • Anon

      While I personally hate them, kind of sounds like a cruise might be the thing with those restrictions. Or a Disney resort.

      • Anonymous

        We did a Disney cruise with a large family group ranging in age from 2 to 84 and it was amazing. My Disney-hating husband and my cruise-skeptical self both loved it.

      • Anonymous

        There’s a UK youtuber called Adam Hutton (also name of channel) who does a lot of Disney resort and Disney cruise vlogs and guides. You can get a really good feel for a resort or cruise, including food and room types from watching his videos, to see if that’s something you might like. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard him comment on wheelchair access in some of them, and one of the cruise ones was an all-inclusive trip, with lots of food footage and reviews.

    • Flats Only

      With that group I would take a cruise, assuming they are sailing again. Slow or fast paced action for the grandparent, fun activities for the 10 year old, babysitting available for the 1 year old (verify this before booking, and note the diapered 1 year old won’t be allowed in the pool), and excellent accessibility for the wheelchair. Food should be good if you are on a mass market line (Royal Caribbean, Carnival, Norwegian) and excellent to gourmet if you go a bit upmarket to Celebrity.

    • No Face

      I stayed at the Intercontinental in San Juan, Puerto Rico years ago and it was great. It was a beachfront resort with a nice pool area. Very close to the airport so the time between leaving my house and being on the beach was very short. There were local restaurants nearby for yummy Puerto Rican food. Visiting Old San Juan was a nice day outing – cool forts and old streets. I don’t know how stroller/wheelchair friendly Old San Juan was, but I bet the 10 year old would really love it if one of the adults took them.

    • Anonymous

      Check out the El Conquistador resort in Puerto Rico. It’s large, so some parts may not be wheelchair accessible, but it is a good option for a multi generation trip. There’s a funicular! My husband and I had great time when we went for a long weekend a few years ago. The resort got slammed in the big hurricanes a few years ago, and they’re finally reopening this month.

  19. Another Burned Out Anon

    I’m so burned out that weekends aren’t helping. I have a week off scheduled at the end of June and another at the end of August, and taking more time off isn’t realistic. I’m trying to make sure I go outside every day and drink lots of water, spend time on my hobby (reading), and don’t put too much pressure on myself about housework.

    Anyone in the same boat? Mostly looking to commiserate.

    • Anonymous

      Me too! Work has been busy and my kids are still doing online school. I am so burned out. I took a week off last month while the kids had spring break and we did a lot of hiking and fishing, which is usually the best way for me to recharge. But instead, it made it harder to work because I would rather just be hiking all day. I’ve been trying to make sure that we go for a walk or a bike ride every day and trying to make sure we do something fun on the weekends. Most of the things we used to do are still closed (movies, bowling, arcade, trampoline park, pool), so we have been taking little day trips around our state to new hiking spots and also trying out new things like playing tennis. But I am completely overwhelmed with both work and my kids’ school. There are just no boundaries anymore. Clients call all the time, my desk has to be set up in my bedroom, etc. It is hard.

    • AIMS

      I am so burnt out that I have lost count of how many times I have thought there was something wrong with me because I am just so exhausted, have zero energy or motivation, etc.

      I think this year is just a lot. I feel better when I go outside and prioritize me time but it’s very easy to lose track of that when a million things all need to be done. I just have to remember that the world will not end if I don’t do all of them at once.

    • No Face

      Same. I honestly don’t know how I can recover while working full time. I am so thoroughly exhausted in a major way.

  20. AnonATL

    Part complaint, part advice seeking.. I have this new employee (been around about a month) who needs so much hand holding and he is driving me nuts. I don’t mind explaining how things are done, and I just trained someone else new right before him with no problem. She went off and figured stuff out for herself with general guidance and occasional questions. It’s simple stuff where I tell him the general goal (we need to compute x), and he asks a million questions about exactly how to the point where I’m basically doing the critical thinking for him. He’s fairly fresh out of school. Not my direct report, but I’m responsible for training and making sure he gets certain tasks done. Is there a better way to guide someone very green and say figure it out without sounding dismissive?

    • Anonymous

      If this employee is inexperienced, you’ll be doing him a favor by explaining expectations. “Sometimes you will be given a task where the expectation is that you try different things and figure it out on your own. Before coming back to me with questions, I’d like to see you review our documentation, Google it, etc.”

      • No Face

        Exactly. This is a major part of training young employees. In school, the goal is completing an assignment, often in the teacher/professor’s preferred way. At work, you are often being paid to figure out something. Making a call when there are multiple options can be the job, but a younger employee may have never been in that situation before.

      • Anon

        If he’s fresh out of school, this might be his first real job other than internships, so he may genuinely not know how work is supposed to work…especially if he had a helicopter mom. So be very direct and tell him he needs to look stuff up on his own, etc.

    • AIMS

      I had a supervisor once who made a bit of (gently) sarcastic showing of saying “well let’s look that up, shall we?” when someone asked a question that wasn’t worthy of their attention. maybe you can do something similar?
      Or just say, you know what – I think you’re ready to do this on your own, I’m excited to see how you do it on your own!

      I think some people without a lot of work experience think that asking lots of questions is not only normal but is somehow a positive. You may just need to course correct this impression.

    • Anon

      Ask him what he’s tried so far when he comes to you for questions. Tell him explicitly that he needs to try on his own first. The key to that is doing it explicitly, not trying to hint at it. Hinting at these kinds of things do neither side any favors.

    • Anon

      If it is something that isn’t make or break, you could help develop his independent decision-making and confidence by forcing him to make the call himself by either not answering his e-mail for a couple of days (if these inquiries are via e-mail) and then asking what he decided to do or by responding, “What do you think the course of action should be?” to get him to provide his own response if this is something he should be figuring out.

      • Anon

        I think if you just ignore the email for days, he either doesn’t do the task or starts calling (or dropping in in the Before Times).

    • Walnut

      Is there a peer in the organization who can field some of the softball questions? If it’s a multi-step process to compute x, but some ambiguity, can you give the general outline for how the employee might think about the problem?

      For example, “In order to compute x, you may want to run some queries in tool y for fields a, b and c. I suspect you will see d and e populated in those fields which will help you to work toward the computation we’re looking for. Why don’t you spend the rest of the day working on this and bounce any questions you have off of designated peer. Put your findings in a deliverable similar to the file I emailed you. Complete it as best you can and add comments where you made assumptions. Email me your deliverable by the end of the day and give me tomorrow morning to review it. We’ll chat again tomorrow afternoon.”

  21. Anon

    Am I overreacting? I’ve been interviewing for lateral associate attorney positions and 100% of my interviews so far have been on Zoom. A firm contacted me to set up an in-person interview. I’m strongly considering withdrawing my candidacy based on that fact alone. I feel it speaks volumes about how this firm operates.

    • Anonymous

      I would ask them to make it a Zoom interview. If they agree, no problem, then that’s probably fine. If they refuse, then yeah, screw them. This pandemic isn’t over and it definitely says something about how they operate if they’re 100% in person and insisting on it despite reasonable alternatives.

    • Anon

      Depends on your level of desperation but I think this speaks volumes and I’d be inclined to withdraw and say why.

    • Anon

      Are most firms/cos in the northeast esp doing the entire interview process by zoom so you never meet in person? I happen to have an in house interview today – just a screener by phone with HR. I have to imagine that and any first round would be by phone. After that I’m not sure. In the DC area. What are law employers generally doing right now?

    • No Face

      You are allowed to draw your own boundaries.

      I interviewed in-person for my current job, but I also wanted to see how the office was functioning. Plenty of people can describe their COVID protocols, but in practice not enforce any of them. Everyone present wore a mask and stayed a part, while most employees at any given time are remote. That was in line with what I was looking for in a firm. If people weren’t masked up and distanced, I would have immediately left the interview.

    • Anon

      I have several friends in California who have been interviewing for associate positions and while the initial interviews have been by Zoom, firms outside LA (or at least firms in San Diego, OC, and San Jose) are having final interviews in person.

      Which is not to say you should not be concerned, but depending on where you live, it might or might not be an unreasonable ask.

    • Anon

      Wouldn’t bother me at all. My office is moving to back in person. I’m also in Houston and literally everyone I know is vaccinated. My office area only has nine people and I know for a fact all nine of us have already gotten the vaccine.

    • Anon in Houston

      I interviewed in-person and I asked about COVID protocols. Everyone wore a mask, we were spaced 6 ft apart and almost no one else was in the office. However, it was critical for both sides to feel comfortable with the fit and in-person was definitely better for that than on zoom. Before you cancel, I’d at least ask about COVID safety measures, especially if you’re in an area where most adults have already been vaccinated.

  22. Anon

    Turned 40 9 months ago and while I’m very lax on healthcare, I am thinking I should schedule a mammogram. But I’m barely an A cup – like it’s unclear to me how the machine would even compress anything. Can anyone share their experience esp if you’re pretty small? Like how painful is it. Do you have people handling you etc or was it less embarrassing than you thought? Experiences?

    • anon

      Listening to this one, too. I’m also small chested and I am really wigged out by this whole process. I know it needs to happen, though.

    • Anonymous

      I was an A. It was not that painful and it’s pretty quick. Notice I said “was”. I was diagnosed with BC after my first mammogram. I cannot begin to emphasize for you how much you need to schedule this ASAP. It’s so much less embarrassing than you think it will be. And better than flashing a gazillion docs with your scars and implants.

    • Anon

      I’m of similar age and size. It wasn’t painful, but yes, there is a bit of compression. If your breasts get sore during some portion of your cycle, you might not want to schedule it then. I could see that hurting. I think the tech helped position me on the first side, and the second side didn’t need much, if any assistance. The machine is constructed such that not too much manipulation is needed. It was done in <5 minutes and the results were read by the next day.
      TBH, it was all I could do to not giggle because for some reason the Hokey Pokey get stuck in my brain… "You put your left tit in, you put your left tit out"….. I did *not* shake them all about. :-)

      • Vicky Austin

        hahahahahahaha! Did you turn yourself around? No, wait, that’s not helpful.

      • PolyD

        That’s hilarious. I usually silently giggle because I never know where to put my arms – I think mammogram machine designers forgot that women have arms.

        But yes, I found it pretty painless and quick, maybe a little awkward, but not really embarrassing. They do manhandle your breasts pretty vigorously to get them into positions but it’s professional manhandling.

        I don’t know if all places do this, but my place reads the mammogram while I wait. So I have (fortunately!) always gotten the all-clear before I left. The wait is maybe 10 minutes.

        I also got a goody bag with some fun swag (mask, hand sanitizer, ice pack, one of those bandannas you can wet and put around your neck for cooling purposes) when I went in October (breast cancer awareness month).

    • Anon

      The ladies (have never not had a lady) who do this see all types of boobs. The machines are built for the largest caliber, so they will have to move the machine around a lot for you, but they will get it done. Even men can have br*ast cancer, so it’s not a size / useage issue and you should just make the appointment.

    • NYNY

      Similarly small of chest, and when I went, the tech was really helpful and professional. She had to help a lot, but it was verbal instruction, not manipulating me physically in any way. For example, she had to direct me to step in closer, lift my arm to a specific spot, and turn my cheek pretty far to the side. Not at all embarrassing, but definitely awkward in the moment, and good to have a sense of humor about it. It didn’t hurt, really, but I did have skid marks on my ribs above and below my breasts for a few hours, so if your skin is sensitive, that’s something to prepare for.

    • anonymous

      The tech will handle your breasts to help you get positioned correctly. I didn’t find it embarrassing. I’ve only had two so far and all the techs were kind and professional. Definitely important to get this done.

      • anonymous

        I should have clarified that they will handle your breasts if needed. I had some trouble my very first time so the tech helped position me correctly. Otherwise it’s like NYNY mentioned above. They will have you move/lean in the way they need to get the proper scan.

    • Anony

      I am 37 and a B-cup, and had my first mammogram in January of this year (mom had breast cancer so I wanted an early, baseline done). The tech was very, very nice and since I’m small, she did need to help position me in the machine. It was insanely uncomfortable for me but that’s mostly because I have hypermobility spectrum disorder and my ribs have a tendency to sublax / dislocate easily. I was not prepared for the crushing rib pain but the actual mammogram was very quick and easy.

    • Anonymous

      I am 36 and had my first mammogram last summer and a biopsy a few months ago (it was benign. thank you, dense fibrotic breast tissue for this fun experience). I’m a B cup. It honestly wasn’t bad at all; I was expecting a lot worse. It was more pressure than pain, if that makes sense. The tech (who was wonderful) said smaller breasts are usually actually less painful than larger.

    • CountC

      I am also an A and I didn’t find it painful. As has already been mentioned, the techs have seen it all and mine was extremely professional! A friend of mine who just had her first one at 40 (also small of bosom) was diagnosed with BC, so please please do not ignore this part of your health care.

    • Anon

      Girl, I had probably one of the “worst case scenarios” during my first mammogram, but honestly, it all turned out fine and is a funny story after. While I was IN THE MACHINE, the fire alarm went off, and it wasn’t a drill. Everyone was so professional. The first thing they had me do was exit the machine and put my johnny back on. My clothes and belongings were in another room down the hall locked up. My tech then had me wait at the room door while she went to find out what sector the alarm was in. Their protocol was everyone dressed leaves and those in far away from the alarm sector stay. If it had been a closer sector, they were going to have me and a few other people in johnnies go down a hall and stand at an exit door for further instruction but not actually go outside unless it reached our sector.

      They found the source of the alarm (smoke from construction on the other side of the building) and we proceeded with the appointment.

      I needed some hands on help because I am no good at “Simon Says.” If you are better at following verbal directions, you will probably be fine. I get things like my left and right confused when I’m nervous.

      I doubt yours will be as exciting as mine. Here is your push to get it done – my friend just had her 1st and they found stage 1 cancer which was very easily treatable because of how early it was caught. Don’t delay!

    • Anonymous

      47 here. The problem with small breasts is that they use to be also dense. On top of size A I have dense breasts, then when I did my first mamog last year bcs I found a litle thing in my autoexploration they could not be sure about what was going on then they scheduled me a ecography too. But there was no problem at all doing the mamogr, the nurses are used to all kind and sizes and know how to handle it. Not as painfull as people had told me.
      After a year of doing some follow ups reviews I have received today the good news that everything is fine. Please go an do it.

  23. Anon

    Anyone here play Settlers of Catan? We’ve started playing w/ our neighbors and I consistently am the furthest from winning when the game ends. I’m enjoying it nonetheless but I thought it would be fun to talk strategies if there are other enthusiasts here.

    • Anon

      How good are you at negotiating trades for resources? Often times, if you are just giving the other players what they need to win and taking a deal that isn’t at least as beneficial to you, this will be a bar to success in Catan. My husband often gets mad because he thinks I’m harsh on trades, but if it is something he really wants, he better have something I want or no deal. haha

    • No Face

      I trade very freely in the beginning of the game, and very selectively later. I don’t trade with someone if I suspect that have 7 or more points. I almost always have a port at the beginning, unless I am placing first. I like the strategy of having a 2:1 port, and then aiming to place on that resource all over the board. If that is my goal, I am happy to be completely without another resource. If you are getting a lot of resource, switch to a longest road/army strategy.

      Also, my skills greatly improved when I started playing online. It is a great way to try out different strategies. Colonist is a free online site to play with people around the world. Play Catan is the official version, but they redesigned the site and it was barely functional last time I played. I started playing with friends in college, and we still play together even though we live in completely different parts of the country.

      • Anon

        I like this idea. Thanks! I think I focus too much on trying to get every resources when I should focus more on being able to exchange for what I need. I’m also probably too nice on trades.

        Maybe you can settle a debate – if you have the longest road or army card, and someone ties you in length/size, does the extra point card go back to the middle or does it stay with the first person to get it until someone exceeds their length/size?

        I also think I previously worked too hard trying to get the longest road and used up a lot of resources that I should have used for building instead.

        • No Face

          The extra point definitely stays with the first person until someone exceeds.

          Longest road works best if you are the only person going for it, or if you have a surplus of wood and brick that you don’t need. Longest road competitions drain a lot of resources.

    • pugsnbourbon

      No pointers but I am also usually last in board games like Catan. I am also terrible at checkers.

      • Anon

        Thanks. This made me laugh. I think part of the issue for me is I’m busy chatting and socializing while playing and not paying enough attention. I’m sure there are times where I miss a resource I could have picked up and I’m not focused enough on my strategy during the game. Like, I’m there for fun, not blood.

  24. Anon

    Random question but does anyone know where I can buy a nice framed mirror that is short and very wide, vs mirrors that are tall and narrow? I’d love something like Antro’s gleaming primrose mirror or a vaguely baroque flourish at the top, but I’m not really finding any options even outside of that category. Is there a search term I should be looking for?

  25. Anon

    Now that the pandemic is improving in many places and many people are vaccinated — do you find yourself making small talk more? Last year it felt very – get in, do what you need, get out, don’t talk and spew your air particles nor have someone respond and spew theirs (even w masks I felt this way). Yet I’m kind of a talker esp in a medical setting – probably because it calms the nerves. Yet having had a test yesterday and a drs appointment later in the week, I’m still not sure if small talk is ok or if medical professionals want you in and out. FWIW the tech was masked and I was double masked and am vaccinated though she didn’t ask. So do you chat? Do you find drs/nurses chatting/acting normally or is it more get in, get out?

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been going to doctors appointments throughout the pandemic for a chronic illness and I’ve mostly found that the doctors and nurses themselves who see you in the room are as chatty as usual. The office staff is mostly not, though probably because they are all behind plexiglass everywhere I’ve gone.

    • Anony

      I’ve been going monthly to the doctor since the pandemic ‘started’ (and long before that) and have found that the small talk has been the same the whole time and actually more so than in ‘before times’. I think people are more open to small talk now because a lot of us are lonely and sympathetic that sometimes people just want to chat.

    • CountC

      I haven’t changed my approach at all at medical appointments during the last year. My health is important and I will continue to ensure my questions get answered.

    • Anon

      Yes, I know everyone at my doctor’s office is vaccinated, and now I am too, so I’m much more comfortable chit chatting. My doctor has the sweetest, funniest, chattiest receptionist. The isolation in 2020 must have been very hard on her!

  26. Anon4This

    Maybe TMI, but since yesterday, I have had stomach discomfort, frequent burping, and bizarre stool. I assume I ate something that didn’t agree with me and I’m hoping this will pass soon. After how many days would you see a doctor for this? A week?

    • Anonymous

      Probably 2 weeks, if not more. For a short term issue, there’s not a lot that can be done beyond OTC stuff IME.

      • Anon

        I’m the responder at 11:57 and the immediate tests they did for me were an xray to see if I had colon blockage which they could have immediately prescribed me something for (gross I know!) and a bunch of blood tests, one of which was testing to see if I had a gluten sensitivity which if so I could have tried right away to eliminate to see what happened. Just to give examples of beyond OTC stuff they can recommend early. (Neither of those things ended up being true for me but still, I don’t see the harm in being proactive. If the doctor truly feels like there is not much they can do yet, they’ll tell you).

    • Anonymous

      After a couple days of it, I might contact them for telemedicine or by phone to ask (I wouldn’t go in for a bit longer). I wonder if you have acid reflux/indigestion…those are symptoms of it for me. Try eating less at a time, not eating tomatoes/coffee/acid, and not lying down right after eating if you do any of those.

      • Anon

        +1 call them and ask. They may ask you to self-collect a stool sample (I hope self-collection is the only way, but you know what I mean) and deliver it to a lab. They did this with my son when he had what turned out to be norovirus.

    • Anon

      Um, this has been exactly me for the past week. Mine started on Monday and I saw a doctor who then ordered a bunch of tests on Friday. Nothing came of the tests, but I was glad I did it to at least rule out things. I think there is no harm in doing a video chat ASAP if that’s available to you, just because if there are things you can be doing, might as well start as soon as possible. Like, this happened to me last Summer too and it was recommended by a doctor I do the BRAT diet for a couple of days and I wished I had started that earlier.

      I’m personally finally starting to feel a little better this time around, but not really due to anything I did I don’t think.

      (Separately I did get a rapid negative COVID test on Friday as well out of paranoia, but the doctor I saw on Friday didn’t even bring that up as a possibility here).

      Feel better!

      • Anon4This

        Did they have a diagnosis from last summer? I will defo plan on the BRAT diet — thank you!!

        • Anon

          No, but at the time due to several major things going on in my life I was under probably the most stress I had ever been under which I think was a reason.

          When the doctor first started telling me what I should avoid, he mentioned avoiding alcohol. Later when I told him everything going on he was like, “okay, maybe you still need a drink or two”. Ha ha.

          (Also I want to stress that I’m not a doctor and it still might be worth checking in with someone before you go full blown BRAT diet. It does lack nutrients so there is only so long you should do it for, and it is a little bit of a bummer to follow so if there are other simpler things you can do in your case it may be worth checking).

    • BeenThatGuy

      My teen is experiencing the same symptoms, plus a fever, for 2 days now. We saw the dr within 3 hours of symptoms. He tested negative for COVID, Strep and the Flu. It miffs me that any bugs could be going around right now but it seems that there is something. Be well!

      • Anonymous

        Not a doctor, but this sounds at least as much like food sensitivity as it does any “bug.”

      • No Problem

        There are plenty of foodborne bugs that are not communicable. Think e coli or salmonella vs norovirus. Only one of those do you catch from someone else, the others come directly from the food itself. I’m not saying that’s definitely what he has, but you shouldn’t assume it’s because a bug is going around.

    • NY CPA

      As someone with IBS, I would suggest waiting a few weeks. When I first got sick, I think I waited about 2-3 weeks, so I could very clearly be like “look–this is not normal and clearly not getting better.” If you only waited about a week, I would imagine they might blame a virus and tell you to come back in another week or two if not improving.

      • Anon

        But is there a reason you can’t do both? (Check in early to see what’s up; and then when it doesn’t go away in 2-3 weeks check in again?)
        2-3 weeks if this is not IBS sounds like a lot of unnecessary suffering if there is otherwise something simple OP could be doing.
        (And I’m sorry for your IBS diagnosis, that does not sound fun).

    • Cat

      Had similar last April and was absolutely freaking out that it was Covid (this was right around the time of the news about patients having GI issues as an early symptom). I called my dr. Couldn’t get tested but was advised to eat BRAT and call back if not resolved in 2-3 days. Reader, the symptoms resolved in 2 days.

    • No Face

      When this happens to me, I assume it is some sort of food insensitivity that I am too lazy to figure out. I know I’m lactose intolerant, and this is exactly what happens when I have dairy without taking lactase pills.

    • No Problem

      This happens to me a couple times a month, so I would not see a doctor unless it went on for at least a week OR I had an additional worrying symptom (severe abdominal pain, fever, blood in stool, etc.). In most cases I assume I ate something that didn’t agree with me, or I probably just have undiagnosed IBS and for some reason that day my gut decided that something that is typically just fine to eat is something it’s going to wholesale reject.

      But if this is something that basically never happens to you, give it another day or two and schedule a telehealth appt if you can.

      FWIW the BRAT diet is supposed to be a VERY temporary diet as you are reintroducing foods after significant stomach or GI upset. You’re not supposed to do it for more than a day or two. More like…if you’ve been living on Gatorade and crackers for the last 3 days because you can’t keep anything else down or in, those are the next foods you’re supposed to introduce. Although it’s also ironic because if you’re gluten sensitive or suspect you need to go low FODMAP, those are exactly the foods you shouldn’t be eating, but I digress…

    • Anon

      I made a comment above that my son had norovirus recently. We are super super locked down, but food-borne stuff can come into your home if you get food delivery, or even via pre-made food from the grocery store. Fun times.

  27. anon

    Going to an outdoor funeral this afternoon and put on tights for the first time since February 2020. 10/10 do not recommend. Seriously, I’m going to need to ease into this whole workwear thing …

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I told a friend that I am never, ever wearing tights ever again after this year. I find I tolerate thigh highs much better, if that works for you. The waistband is the worst part of tights for me.

      • Anonymous

        Ha, I remember thinking that I was making a huge comfort move when I switched from hose to tights.

      • Anon

        I always cut a few slits in the waistband and I refuse to wear control top anything.

    • Anon

      I size up in tights so that they feel like yoga pants. I used to lounge around the house in FLEECE TIGHTS in the winter.

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