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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
YAAAAAAS. Love the steel gray, the chic, simple cut — and of course the cashmere. Talk about a blazer that would look good on you at any age. It’s $1,390 at Bloomingdale’s. Max Mara Curt Cashmere Flap Lapel Blazer
Update Dec. 2015: Like this blazer? See more Max Mara here.
Here's a lower-priced version and a plus-sized alternative.
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-4)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Work-Family Survey - PLS take
Hello,
I am doing a survey on how women have navigated their work+life integration for a new book on the topic. Hard to believe the last comprehensive survey was done in 2009. Given all of the changes (eg:financial collapse, rise of social media, growth of freelance economy), it seems vital to get a modern read on women, work and family. Please take the survey and share with your network. It only takes about 2 minutes. Thanks.
~Lisen Stromberg
Link to survey here:
https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/P5M73BX
JEB
Anyone carry a Dagne Dover? Worth the money? Easy to clean? I’m trying to decide between Bleeker Blush and Oxblood. I love the blush color, but I’m worried about it getting dirty on my DC-metro commute. I’m thinking Oxblood would work well year-round, right?
Wildkitten
They are beautiful. I don’t personally have one but I support your decision to get one. I think the Bleeker Blush could work as a winter white, but not if your winter coats are all black.
DisenchantedinDC
Don’t have one, but would love one! I’d personally do Oxblood over the blush. Too many opportunities around here to smudge a lovely bag.
bags
If you want this bag to be your daily workhorse, then I’d also go with oxblood. There is no way I would chance a blush on public transportation.
Brunette Elle Woods
$265 for coated canvas? Although the bags look lovely, I wouldn’t spend that kind of money for coated canvas.
Anonymous
I thought that too until someone told me coated canvas holds up to wear and tear a lot better than leather. Also Louis Vuitton bags are coated canvas and they are a lot more than $265…
lost academic
Do you imagine that’s still true if the leather is treated appropriately? I ask because I am often looking at products and choosing between these types, but I’ve never had leather give out on me. That being said, I treat my work leather goods like I treat my equestrian leather goods, with a lot of cleaning/polishing/and preventative care and treatments – leather is a sizable investment after all.
Snickety
Also, those Dagne bags are beautiful. If someone knows of another high-quality coated canvas bag that is just as pretty at a lower price point, I’d love to see it.
anne-on
I got the oxblood one a month or so ago. Its a lovely bag, lots of people have complimented me. Its a great day to day workhorse bag, but I do prefer Lo&Sons for travel, its just lighter and (to me) has better interior organization.
Snickety
Lo&Sons bags are on sale today, 25% off. I’m in the market for a tote or laptop bag for daily commute that will hold a couple of files and small laptop but is not too huge. I would really like a bag that will stay upright when I set it down. Are Lo&Sons bags floppy? Also, does the L&S Brookline have feet?
Wildkitten
The TT is floppy.
January
The Lo & Sons that I use for my day-to-day commute has feet and is not floppy. They don’t make it anymore, so I’ve forgotten the name, but it was one size smaller than the Brookline.
Tinkerbell
Do the straps fit over your shoulders comfortably? How about in a coat?
Wildkitten
Yes.
Khar
I have one (in a darker color) and found it still looks great after several months of a DC metro commute.
KateMiddletown
I have the 15″ in the linen color and I can’t imagine buying any other brand. It’s still the same color that I purchased (no bleeding from dark fabrics) and the spilled coffee on the outside comes off with a wet washcloth. The pockets are perfect – I typically don’t carry a laptop but I love having all the options. I really like the cupholder pocket, too, to hold coffee tumbler/waterbottle that otherwise would tip over. I can reach into my bag in the passenger’s seat while commuting and know exactly where to grab for my sunglasses.
If it’s coated canvas you’re worried about, they’re doing a leather line this holiday season. I am ready to invest in another in a winter-y color, and I’m one really good coupon code away from getting the wallet/clutch. I highly, highly recommend.
Since no one else has done it yet, I’m linking my ref code: https://www.talkable.com/x/ldl7dQ
DD
love the color but the DD bag is HEAVY. One of those things that feels full even if you have a wallet and an iPad in there and not much else.
JEB
Thanks for the responses! I took the plunge and ordered the 13 inch tote in oxblood. I rarely spend this much on a single item, but I have some birthday money stashed away from June, so I figure why not splurge on something that will hopefully be in the rotation for many years to come. I’m excited!!
Ellen
Yay Kat! This is a beautiful Blazer!!!! And it is at Bloomie’s and I can have ROSA look at it in White Plain’s and if she can buy it for me, I can reimbursse her in December after Dad unfreezes my CREDIT account’s. FOOEY on Dad b/c I have to use my DEBT card and can ONLY get cash out of it b/c it is NOT the kind with the CHIP. DOUBEL FOOEY!
This guy in the apartement building I live in said to the doorman that he want’s to date me. Should I date a guy in the buildeing? He must have a good jub b/c he wear’s VERY nice suit’s. What does the HIVE think?
of course!
Give him a chance, see if you LIKE him!
Anonymous
I am now the highest ranking female in my (750 person) business unit. I earned this on performance, not looks, obviously, but I want to start looking a little more executive and polished. My most recent promotion is putting me in front of the board, the C-suite with all our mega-clients, and in front of some VIP industry players.
I’m 32, and I look it. My hair isn’t anything special (shoulder lengths, and brown- not yet grey, general MO is wash, brush/dry, hairspray and go). What can i do from a hairstly perspective to bring more polish/maturity to my appearance? I don’t want to try to look like i’m older than I am or trying to fool anyone, but I do know people my age that have more of this polished appearance vs my “lucky I came in with matching shoes” look. I also have 2 under 5 so low maintenance is key.
thanks!
Anonymous
Personally, I’d go to a great hairstylist and say just this. I’d think shorter and highlighted myself, but it really depends on your hair and face.
Also, lipstick.
Wildkitten
I’ve heard very high praises for the low-maintenance of this lipstick: http://www.chanel.com/en_US/fragrance-beauty/Makeup-Lipstick-ROUGE-DOUBLE-INTENSIT%C3%89-88831?un_jtt_redirect=un_jtt_iosV
Go to Sephora or a makeup counter for help picking the right shade.
Marise
+1. I hate having to reapply lipstick. This lasts a long, long time.
Scarlett
+1 to hilights. Coloring your hair will go a long way toward it looking more polished – it adds shine and depth. And once it’s done, it’s done for 10-12 weeks. Also second learning to put it up/pull it back. I’m not a fan of shorter hair unless you go all-in short as you lose styling ability.
Anon
Know your hair :) mine grows an inch a month (not exaggerating) and so I don’t color it because the upkeep is insane.
SuziStockbroker
My hair is less shiny since I started colouring it, as is is fine (but I have a lot of it) and it damages easily. Also, on some people highlights turn brassy.
Am growing out my natural colour now.
Anonymous
I’m younger than you but I think lipstick makes a huge difference to looking polished. Consider consistently clipping back your hair so it’s like a half-ponytail, but with a nice clip instead of a hairband. Also, re-evaluate your wardrobe and simply Do Not Wear those “tired” looking clothes. Swap out sweaters for blazers. Elevate your flats to 1-2″ wedges.
LAnon
When I moved into an executive position, I made three changes to my wardrobe that I think helped a lot:
– swapped out cardigans for blazers, as suggested above. I like softer ponte blazers with sleeves that I can push up for day-to-day wear; I have crisper suit blazers for important meetings.
– started wearing kitten heels or more formal flats rather than my standby ballet flats.
– upped my jewelry wardrobe by buying a few fairly inexpensive pieces (jewelry section at Macy’s – $30-50 each) and made an effort to wear a piece of jewelry most days
As far as hairstyles go, would you consider wearing your hair up as a go-to style? I have found great success with using some of the tools you can get at the drugstore that make it really easy to make a sock bun or style it with twisty pins. A low sock bun has become my go-to for days when I need my hair to look all grown up… I know there has been some debate on here about the professionalism of the “sock bun” but I think as long as it is low and not totally gigantic, it can look polished.
Shopaholic
What about a personal shopper? It may help to have someone pick out a few polished pieces if you don’t already have them.
SuziStockbroker
I am not at all very good at hairstyles. However, I can get my hair up into a French Twist and clipped in 5 seconds flat.
It is my go-to when I have Board meetings or am meeting prospective clients for the first time.
There are a million Youtube videos on easy hair styles.
Get a beautiful clip (I use a Ficcare, or a French Twist comb) and you’ll look very polished.
Rogue Banker
Gibson tuck with a nice barrette or clip to cover the part where it tucks down. Hit youtube for tutorials, it’s dead easy once you practice it a few times, and all you need is a ponytail, a few hairpins and a clip, and hairspray.
Seconding the idea of highlights, and maybe some subtle layers in the last few inches – something to give the hair a little more movement than a blunt cut.
Makeup makes a big difference. Something as simple as tinted moisturizer, lip tint, and doing something to your eyebrows (which, btw, groomed eyebrows make ALL the difference even if the rest of your face is #wokeuplikethis) can make you look much more polished.
Godzilla
No advice but major props. Congratulations!
PEN
jewelry every day, groomed eyebrows and I dont go anywhere without clinique black honey (I know it works for me no matter what clothes/makeup I am wearing and it is foolproof to put on)
Singleton....
Someone forwarded this to me.
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/the-high-price-of-being-single-in-america/267043/
I have mixed feelings being single. It is likely for life for me at this point…. still single at 46 and no prospects in sight (that aren’t twenty years older than me… ugh…). But I am now set in my ways, very independent, so I can’t really imagine myself living with someone else. My life is plenty for me and I am ok.
Part of me agrees that marriage is good for society and raising children and something that should be encouraged a facilitated. Part of me is also resentful (jealous?) and just tired of it being so expensive to be single. This Atlantic is a little bit extreme, but still shocking to me….
Anonymous
I read that piece a while ago too. I’m 34 and single with no prospects, and the financial aspects of being single weigh just as heavily on me as the emotional ones. I make decent money, but I think of what my life could be like if I had another income to help with living expenses. (I would certainly pay off my student loans faster.)
anon
The “marriage bonus” for taxes doesn’t actually work out if you are both high earners. At a certain point, it becomes a penalty–since I’ve been married, I’ve worked out taxes as both as a Married Filing Jointly and a Single each year to see which one I owe more under, and every year I owe more as married. So there are definite advantages in living expenses, just an FYI that the taxes thing is not always a bonus.
anon
It’s not a marriage bonus unless one spouse earns significantly less than the other. For many dual-income couples it’s a marriage penalty.
DC Anon
Yup, my husband and I pay about $10,000 more in taxes now that we’re married.
DC Anon
Financially, the big difference for me is being able to share a 1 bedroom apartment. Although most other couples that I know that live together in the city have a 2 bedroom apartment, which ends up costing 40-50% more than a 1 bedroom and doesn’t result in much savings as compared to living alone. Other than housing costs, my expenses are the same (actually probably a bit more for various reasons).
I guess what I’m saying is that some people may experience a lot of savings and economies of scale from getting married, but it’s certainly not always the case.
Pixie haircuts?
I’m considering cutting my long, very thick hair – I’m sick of how long it takes to wash and dry (and I’m a wash-and-go kind of person – if I were actually styling it, I dread to think of how long it would take!). Can anyone who has gotten a pixie cut speak to what it was like? Was it low-maintenance or actually more work to keep it looking good? Also, I’m a little concerned that my face shape won’t be ideal for it – it’s roundish/square rather than oval. I love the look of tousled, slightly messed pixie cuts, though, and if anyone has any tips or resources, that would be great! TIA!
cbackson
I used to have one. You have to go to the hairstylist WAY more often – I had to go once a month.
Anonymous
Maybe a bob first? And if you like it go pixie next?
Pixie haircuts?
I have really thick hair that used to be straight, but is now wavy. I’m afraid a bob will give me a triangle look – that seems to happen whenever there’s not enough weight on the sides.
For reference, I like Audrey Tatou’s pixie cut – any chance that is easier to style?
AnonInfinity
I think your instinct is right on that. I’ve got thick curly hair and a bob is SO MUCH work, but it’s not as bad when my hair is longer or shorter.
I had a pixie for many many years and loooooved it. I just got tired of not being able to do anything different with it, so I grew it out. I cosign everyone else–It’s easy day to day, but lots of maintenance. I color my hair and had it get it touched up every time. I also got a trim every 3 weeks. Mine was shorter than Audrey Tautou’s, so you could probably stretch a longer pixie to 4-6 weeks, but I wouldn’t push past that. The whole reason a pixie looks good is because of its shape, which must be maintained.
NYNY
I have similar hair – thick and straight – and when I cut it in a pixie, it stood straight out on the sides and straight up on top. What was meant to be a feminine pixie cut turned out to be a butch brush cut. I was young, and it worked with my life at the time, but be warned.
I now rock a bob, with a ton of razor thinning to make it fall nicely instead of puff out into a triangle.
lawsuited
I strongly recommend getting a bob first.
I have very thick wavy hair as well. I’ve had a pixie cut twice, but the shorter my hair gets the more unruly it is and most of the time it looked like an awful mop. I have 2 friends with very successful pixie cuts, but both have thinner hair so I have surmised that that may be the key to success. I currently wear my hair in a bob, and my stylist thins/layers it so I don’t get triangle-head. Although my hair grows quickly, the style grows into a pretty awesome lob, so I only have to get my hair cut every 3-4 months or so.
shadow
My hair is thick and wavy as well. For a bob, your stylist can work with your hair to thin it out and you won’t have triangle head. For a pixie cut, you might find the top of your head being substantially poofier than the rest of your head, which makes it hard to handle (at least that was what I found when I ended up looking a bit like a lightbulb lol). I much preferred the bob to the pixie cut.
Pixie
I’ve had a pixie for about two years now. It’s way less work day-to-day–it takes about five minutes to dry and style. But cbackson is right–you have to go to the hairstylist way more often. I go about once every six weeks. I’ll stretch it to once every 10 weeks, but I really shouldn’t–it gets too long that way. For me, it’s worth it.
Pixie
Oh, and I have a round/square face (it started as round and is getting squarer as I lose weight) and a pixie totally works on me.
In reference to Audrey Tautou’s pixie–is your hair curly? It won’t look like that if you have lots of fine, straight hair like I do.
Bonnie
I got a pixie on the recommendation of my hairstylist and love it. On a day to day basis, it is easy to deal with because it takes only a few minutes to dry and I style it by just rubbing paste into it. That being said, at least with my hair, I have to at least wet my hair every morning because I wake up with my hair sticking in every direction. So waking up late and throwing my hair into a ponytail just isn’t an option. If you have a stylist you trust, ask them whether a pixie would work with your hair and with your face shape before getting the cut.
Pixie haircuts?
Thanks everyone – this is helpful! I’ll see if I can find a new stylist and start the conversation. I think I could handle going back every 6-8 weeks, but I wonder if there’s any at-home maintenance I could learn…
anon
Nooooo to at-home maintenance. Trimming your own pixie cut is not at all the same thing as trimming your own bangs.
I have fine, thick, slightly wavy hair that grows quickly. I wore a pixie cut for several years with trims every 4 weeks. It took less than 10 minutes to blow-dry and style each morning. I could not let it air-dry or the wave would do weird things. I grew it out when we moved to a new city and I couldn’t find a stylist who could handle the cut. All the stylists here treated it like a man’s cut. The last straw was the one who tried to trim it with clippers.
If you color your hair, be aware that the roots will be much more apparent on a pixie cut than on a longer cut. Especially a problem if you have a lot of gray.
L in DC
I’ve had a pixie for forever and LOVE it. I have a very round face and a pixie with side swept bangs actually looks much much better on me than straight long hair. I get it cut every 4 weeks, but I otherwise spend a grand total of maybe 10 minutes a week on my hair. It’s effectively no-maintenance but it’s a very eye-catching, memorable style that looks very “done.”
I’m also able to color it myself, using box color, because short hair is cut so frequently that it doesn’t get damaged in the same way, and it’s much easier to color since there’s less hair to dye. The funny part is that the roots are actually much less apparent than they were on a longer cut. I think that’s because I don’t really have a clear part anymore the way that I did with longer hair.
If you need a stylist recommendation in DC, let me know. I’ve tried so many different stylists and have found a woman who just kills it. You absolutely have to have someone who knows how to cut short hair well. I’ve gotten some terrible haircuts and you can’t put your hair up in a ponytail, so you’re just stuck until it grows out a bit. The upside is that it grows out very quickly. Good luck!
Anon
I’m going to have to reschedule an interview due to a work emergency today. Has anyone ever done that? Am I tanking my chances at getting this job?
JJ
Would you want to work for a company that doesn’t understand that sometimes work emergencies happen and need to take priority?
Anonymous
Maybe. Maybe not. Does it matter? If you really have to cancel, you have to cancel and see what happens.
Anon
I haven’t done this, but I would be 100% upfront with the people you’re interviewing with about why you need to reschedule.
Scarlett
You might be – not for terrible reasons like “how dare she” but for practical, this is when they all have time reasons. You don’t say anything about the opportunity, but prioritize yourself here. If this is a job you want, do not reschedule the interview. If you’re on the fence about looking and generally happy where you are, then deal with your work emergency and cross your fingers.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this. I think I’d be tempted to say “Sorry, Current Job, but I have an extremely important personal appointment today that I just can’t reschedule. I’ll be back the minute it’s over.”
CKB
From the other side, I had someone I was interviewing ask to reschedule because they were ill. Unfortunately for her we had just interviewed someone great and decided not to reschedule the interview and just make the offer to the other person because we were afraid to loose her and didn’t want to wait.
You never know who else is interviewing for the job, and if it’s a position you really want I think you should do whatever you can to be there.
KateMiddletown
I disagree – wouldn’t you want prospective job to know you put a priority on your work?
Cambridge MA
Recommendations for apartment rental agencies/brokers for Cambridge, MA? Also, I’m guessing one month’s rent is probably the standard fee but I’d love confirmation on that point.
Thanks!
CHJ
Apartment Rental Experts always seems to have the highest number of listings. I had a good experience with Walter Klinke there. They all have access to the same inventory, but Walter was honest and chill (meaning, not pushy about unacceptable apartments, which was always a pet peeve of mine!). It’s also worth searching the “by owner” and “no broker fee” listings on craigslist, if you’re not already looking there. Good luck!
Anon
Thanks! We’re moving with a large dog and a cat, and need parking for one car min., so I want a broker sorting through everything for us so I don’t drive myself nuts :)
Another Cambridg*tte
Small world! I’ve also rented from Walter. Our experience with him was lovely: not too pushy, honest about the landlord, etc. – and he followed up after our move which I thought was “above and beyond.” However, they definite are renting apartments that are also listed on Craigslist. You might want to search CL first, or at least at the same time, to make sure you’re not limiting your search. Dogs are tough!
I’ve since moved and rented through Roy Seidenberg with Boston Rental Exchange, Inc out of Davis Sq. Our landlord deals exclusively with him and we’ve also had a very positive experience.
Opal
SO MUCH of it is on Craigslist. A friend who moved to Cambridge from NYC over the summer couldn’t believe how unhelpful brokers were – just feeding her craigslist listings she could have found on her own. I’ve never used a broker, and I’m sure some can be helpful, but my two killer apartments (North End and Cambridge) were found via stalking Craiglist. In both instances I was the first to reply to the listing, saw them same day, and wrote a deposit check on the spot. Brokers will be helpful in zeroing in on neighborhoods if you’re new to the area, so you may benefit from that angle.
I had to write a one-month broker fee on one of those apartments, which pretty ridiculous because all the kid did was text me and let me into the apartment for 10 minutes after I found it on craiglist on my own.
CHS
Oh man. Cat, dog, and parking? We have two of those three – it’s not a unicorn, but dog-friendly rental housing is few and far between, so patience and good connections helps. I think you’re right about using a broker. We used Mari Morgan once and she was helpful – seemed to operate with a lot of Harvard/MIT profs for sabbatical housing, and had nice options available if she’s still in the biz. We also used Tory Row once, small but nice inventory, and the Coldwell Banker in Huron Village has nice listings. Lots of brokers post on Craigslist anyway so it’s good to start there, then see who’s listing what kinds of apartments.
Also you might want to consider expanding your search to Somerville and Watertown to help with the parking sitch. And one month’s rent for a brokerage fee sounds right. Good luck!!
Cambridge MA
Thank you! Parking might be negotiable (we have cars, we won’t need them there on the daily, but don’t want to sell them b/c we’ll likely need them again in a year or two). Cat and dog are non-negotiable :)
We want to stay within walking distance (20-25 min max) of MIT.
Anonymous
it’s not a unicorn, but it’s expensive. if you are not having luck i second the suggestion to look at somerville if you need proximity to cambridge.
Cambridge MA
Ballpark on “expensive”? We need 2 bedrooms minimum plus a dedicated office (so either a third bedroom or some other convertible dedicated space).
CHS
I’d ballpark around $2600-3800 for a decent dog-friendly 2+ bedroom with parking for 1 car; more or less for proximity to T, floor-level, size, and updated-ness. Other variables are laundry, storage, h/hw included, additional parking spaces, etc.
For the MIT area I’d scour East Cambridge, Cambridgeport, and Inman Square. I’d also consider Porter and Davis squares because the T ride is so short (I know you said you wanted to walk, just throwing those out there since it’s a 10-min T ride). Also Beacon Street is an artery from Porter to Kendall for cyclists if that is your thing.
Nelly
My former classmate:
https://about.me/emilyingardia
MJ
Try padmapper too…it can pull a lot of the dog, cat listings off of CL for you. Also know that the entire Boston market is very 8/1 and 9/1 focused, so inventory will be down until springtime, when LLs know whether renters are renewing or not. GL.
NYC Meetup
NYC meetup at 6:30 on Thursday at the Grey Dog in Chelsea (242 W 16th St, between 7th and 8th). Hope to see a bunch of you there!
Edna Mazur
Flex Spending Account Question. I have a fairly high deductible medical plan (2000/ind 4000/family deductible, something like 6000 out of pocket max). No HSA, but flex account. Pre-kids I’d put in enough to cover contacts for the hubs and if we had medical expenses we would just pay rather than risk losing the flex.
I gave birth in 2015 and 2015 so I maxed it because I knew I would use it. Now I am, hopefully, not going to have another baby in 2016 and I think we’ve only been into the doctor once for a non-covered well baby check (knock on wood) so I’d hate to risk losing it if we have another healthy year.
My thoughts are to just put in enough to cover the contacts again. Thoughts from ya’ll? What do you folks with littles do?
Maddie Ross
Can you have an HSA instead? It’s my understanding that you can with a high deductible plan, and which is what I do. The HSA funds roll over year to year, so I fully fund each year.
Mpls
Check if you high deductible plan is HSA eligible – Not all of them were prior to ACA changes, and I don’t know if ACA affected plans by requiring they comply with those coverage pieces.
If you *are* HSA eligible, you can still open and HSA account and contribute even if your employer doesn’t offer or match. You just don’t recognize the tax savings until April 15/Tax day.
FSAs now have the option to rollover a portion of funds (up to $500) IF your plan has opted-in to that provision. Talk to your benefits people to see where you stand there.
Meg Murry
+1 to talking to your benefits people. Any chance they are using the term “flex account” but it really is an HSA and they are just getting sloppy with terminology? Or that they offer both an HSA and FSA and you just have to fill out the appropriate form to pick the correct one for you?
FYI, you can have both a dependent daycare FSA and a medical HSA, but I do not believe you can have both a medical FSA and a medical HSA. You also can’t be covered under a plan that isn’t high deductible (HDHP) – so if you are also covered under your husband’s plan at work and it isn’t HDHP, you can’t have an HSA.
The one year we had only an FSA (use it or lose it) we put a decent chunk of change into it, because we thought my husband was going to need really expensive dental work. Then it turned out he didn’t, after getting a second opinion, so after all of our other medical bills I had almost $600 extra dollars at the end of the year to spend. I bought an additional pair of prescription glasses and prescription sunglasses with it, since it was use it or lose it, but I wish we hadn’t put that much money in. I agree that you probably shouldn’t put much more in than for contacts and maybe a couple of dental cleanings, other than maybe enough for if you wanted a pair of glasses each, that could be used for glasses at the end of the year if there is still money left over but otherwise would just be for medical emergencies.
Here is all the official info from the IRS, if you want to wade through it, it’s clear as mud:
https://www.irs.gov/publications/p969/ar02.html
Mpls
If you have an HSA, you can have a limited medical FSA. The limited FSA can continue to cover vision and dental expenses, and medical expenses over the HDHP deductible. So, it’s gets complicated to have both, but it can be done. Probably most advantageous to have both if you know you will have vision/dental expenses and still want to full fund the HSA. Otherwise, just put the money in the HSA to save yourself the headache.
Edna Mazur
Thanks all.
I’m checking with HR on whether it is HSA eligible. I am positive it is flex and flex alone. We have medical flex and dependent flex but it is definitely use it or lose it flex (they also didn’t opt for the $500 roll over).
Have dental cleanings covered with dental insurance and pretty new glasses. Sounds like contacts only are the way to go.
Hubs stays at home with the kiddos so I am the only insurance carrier.
mascot
I’d only fund for contacts and anything else you know you will need. I know that there may be tax advantages for the FSA, but for me, the administrative hassle and the uncertainty for what I could use it for outweighed the relatively meager tax savings.
Edna Mazur
Can I get an HSA individually (not through my employer)? I thought they had to be employer sponsored, like 401ks. I’d much prefer to go that route.
mascot
I think you can. Google individual HSA and several banks offer a product.
Mpls
Yes, you can. All you need is an eligible plan, which should be clearly stated by the insurance company offering the plan. If it doesn’t say it is HSA eligible, double check before opening the HSA acct. Not all HDHP may be HSA eligible – there have to be certain coverage pieces offered in addition to the high deductible to be considered eligible for HSA contributions (or at least there used to be).
Anonymous
we did $500 which covers contacts ($350 or so) plus random copays and misc expenses. FYI sunscreen counts toward FSA, so worst case you can buy that in Dec. You’ll go through gallons with littles in the summer. band-aids too.
anon
Non-prescription stuff isn’t covered anymore without a prescription.
Mpls
Actually, sunscreen is covered. Bandages are covered. Condoms are covered. Thermometers are covered.
Advil/aspirin/allergy meds are NOT covered any more.
Check the IRS listing for Qualified medical expenses for a complete list.
Mpls
Sunscreen with SPF 15 or higher that it…
Edna Mazur
This is good to know. I assumed nothing over the counter was covered without a prescription anymore (I used to blow that last little bit left on Ibuprofen and Band-Aids every year).
Anonymous
as MPLS said, there are a few non Rx things that are still covered which is why I pointed them out :) Ice packs are covered too, so we have several boo-boo buddies from end of year FSA funds.
Wardrobe Capsule
Ladies,
I’m spending six weeks in Europe March-April, mostly Germany, but also Prague, Krakow, and Bratislava. 50% business casual, 50% very casual (general travel). 1 suitcase, as I’ll be on the move a lot. Suggestions?
In-House Europe
I’d take a look at business capsules, but 6 weeks…that’s tough. I’d go with a skirt-pants-jacket suit, plus 1 extra of each that go with it. That’s 6 items and …um…a lot of combinations. For me I have a black suit, then add in a grey checked wool jacket, a grey skirt and pants. Then throw in maybe 5 tops that all go with those combinations and a few scarves. Maybe a dress if you have one that travels well.
Well, dang it. Just read your question again and you said business casual. But you know, same idea. replace jacket with cardigans. ;)
Wildkitten
I am looking for inexpensive black boots I can wear this winter. Are the Sam Edelman Penny boots sill the hive’s recommended choice?
YES
At this moment I’m wearing black Sam Edelman Petty boots with black tights – and they are AWESOME. I’m on the west coast and it’s been raining (yay!!) all morning….
Tights Q
Any advice for wearing tights with dresses that aren’t lined? I can’t get slips to line up right (I thought I had a good one, but if I raise my arms, the slip shows). Any advice for getting lined knit / ponte dresses? Can static guard help with the grippiness of tights on knits (even silk knits)? Thanks!
anon
A shorter slip!
Anonymous
If it is too short, then the bottom few inches of the knit item become grippy again to the tights. So it creates lose and clingy zones in the skirt. It is weird. I wish things were lined!
KT
How about Jockey slip shorts over tights?
I’m plus size, so I wear them over tights to minimize friction (and wear-through) of my tights/
Mpls
Lining knits tends to defeat the purpose of having a knit in the first place – most linings are woven and do not stretch – so there will not be a lot of lined ponte/knit options available. Are you doing half slips (that start at the waist) or full slips with straps over the shoulders?
Anonymous
I’ve tried both! I am becoming my mother with a drawer of full and half slips and none of them is quite right for more than 1 dress! Now I feel like an unlined piece should only be sold next to its companion slip if there is any chance they will ever be work with tights. Grrrr….
RKT
I love Classiques Entier at Nordstrom, and many of their ponte dresses are lined.
Parfait
Boden has a lot of lined jersey dresses.
Regular poster
I’m cross posting because I’m interested in responses not just from moms, but also from those who grew up being hit by their parents (and what affect that had, if any, on their behavior as a kid):
Controversial topic. Has anyone hit a child to correct bad behavior? Did it work/not work? I realize that all of the parenting books strongly advise against physical reprimands, but I know that I can’t be the only one who grew up this way and I turned out fine. I have a very loving relationship with my mom, who raised me. Occasionally, when I was really misbehaving, she would hit me on my forearm, hard (with her hand, never with anything else). The pain lasted a few seconds, I would cry out, but there never would be any lasting mark of any sort. This maybe happened about 5 times total during my childhood. I DO remember that I did not like being hit and I immediately corrected the behavior. I don’t have any resentment toward my mom for what she did and as mentioned, we have an extremely close relationship.
My toddler is engaging in a lot of inappropriate behavior toward his baby brother (hitting, biting) and I’m at my wits end. I’m tempted to physically reprimand him but my husband is absolutely against it and of course I would never do it unless we were both on board. (My husband was physically abused by his dad and he sees all hitting as abuse, even just a strong tap).
In this age of eating all organic food and enrolling your child in toddler yoga, I can’t raise this topic with my friends or pediatrician IRL because I know they would be horrified. But is this ever ok, even if it’s used very sparingly and the pain subsides in a few seconds?
anon
I was hit twice as a child in the manner you described. I don’t have a good relationship with that parent, but the two are unrelated and I don’t feel like it had any real effect on me. I think you should ask yourself what effect you expect the hitting to have that non-physical methods of punishment don’t? And go from there. Personally, I think you’re much more likely to have success with a method of punishment or correction that directly fits the crime. But I am not a parent.
Anonymous
No. It’s never ok to hit a child. You don’t teach someone not to hit someone younger and defenses less by hitting them. Awesome you’re ok. That doesn’t make it acceptable.
Anonymous
Also, wtf? You would never do this if your husband wasn’t on board. He has ALREADY told you that he is not on board, for very good reason.
Be a decent human being here. Do not go looking for backup to argue to your husband who was abused as a child that it’s a good idea to start hitting your toddler. Just, I can’t even with this. That is not how you be a partner.
Bewitched
I was hit by my father (with belt) and likely swatted my kids on the rear a couple of times if they were misbehaving. So, I’m not appalled by your suggestion. However, I think the reason that hitting is no longer done is that it is not effective, particularly with a toddler. I would suggest picking him up, and removing him to another room if you ever see him hit or bite his brother. There were times I put my son in a time out chair and had to sit there with him to make sure he did not get up (or move him to his crib so he could not get out, but after a few times, he understood that if he misbehaved he was not going to be in on the fun with the rest of us. Toddlers have a memory of about a second, so the message doesn’t always stick unless repeated. I would strongly recommend a visit or two to a child psychologist. They are baby and child whisperers in ways I cannot even understand, but one in particular helped me immensely.
Anonymous
I have one child (elementary school) who has major attention problems (so talking does not work to get attention; yelling does not work either (not in anger, just all the variants in volume up to that)). I have taken to poking/tapping this child on the muscle that goes from the neck to the shoulder to break the trance or make sure I have attention before saying something important.
Not quite the question you asked. I do see your point though.
My main problem with hitting is philosophical: if you start hitting, maybe it increases the odds that you hit out of your anger / frustration some day. I think the poking is a bit on that slippery slope, but I do see in this child how the ear is not the route to a tuned-out brain but a touch seems to break through.
Daycares would never even do this, but I liked seeing how they dealt with my one child who was a biter at 18-24 months and it was to focus attention to the victim child while being firm but gentle with the biter (and reminding them over and over how we don’t bite and how to use their words). That worked. A lot works when you have time on your side.
Eventually, you don’t have size on your side, so you want to be as morally pursuasive as possible. I think if you hit, you risk hitting out anger or that they will just remember the hitting and you’ll lose the war even if you win a battle.
Anonymous
It’s interesting you have decided to go with poking, and apparently hard enough that even you see a slippery slope.
What about just laying a gentle hand on his arm, or waving in his line of vision.
Would you like to be aggressively poked all the time?
thoughts.....
My parents were very progressive for their day. Both with graduate degrees. My father was an activist, my mother read books written by French early education scholars and we were started in Montessori from a young age. The did everything that a “good parent” should.
And I remember every single time my brothers and I were hit.
It wasn’t often. And it wasn’t appropriate….. it happened when the parent was upset and impatient (often for other reasons,…) and we suffered the end result. The arbitrariness was terrifying, and contributed to an atmosphere of fear among my siblings and I. I became an anxious child, and left home as soon as possible.
And this was just from a handful of beatings.
You should talk to the pediatrician about your child’s behavior before you start hitting them.
And you should listen to your husband. In fact, it is dangerous for you to consider starting this mode of punishment in light of your husband’s history. The fact that you don’t realize this scares me more. It could be very damaging to your husband…. and your child.
Talk to the pediatrician.
Threenager
My background is similar: parents with master’s degrees, stay at home mom invested in home-making and child-raising, parent with enough knowledge and concern to be ‘good’ parents….
Yet, they would lose control of their tempers, in the terrifying way that thoughts… described above, and spanked us a handful of times. It was arbitrary and spontaneous and terrifying. Not an ideal way to raise a child.
Please talk to your pediatrician, day care or preschool teacher, and perhaps a therapist about ways to discipline that don’t include physical violence. To stem the tide of physical violence in our communities, we need to begin from the earliest ages, teaching children to recognize feelings (of frustration, anger, aggression, sadness) and to use their words to ask for what they need.
It sounds like you might benefit from some support with the challenging time of raising a toddler, too.
please don't do it!
What thoughts…said! I have a good relationship with my parents now but this topic triggered a lot of bad childhood memories for me. I was a very well behaved child. My mom said I was always a happy good baby. However, from about elementary through middle school my parents also engaged in corporal punishment when they were having a bad day for reasons completely unrelated to my conduct and it was always inappropriate or otherwise out of proportion. I remember my mom going crazy beating me with a belt because I couldn’t find an overnight bag *my mom* left at my aunt’s house. I remember my dad backhanding me as soon as I got into the car after I called him to pick me up when I wanted to leave a friend’s party because people were fighting and I was scared. I still want to cry when I think of these times because it felt like such a betrayal by the people who were supposed to protect me. It was so random and caused me to walk on eggshells around my parents because I did not feel safe. I think they eventually realized they needed to regain control of their issues and not take it out on me. I’m not a parent but I’ve given this a great deal of thought as to how I would handle things differently and the most I would do is grab a child and say “no” if it were a teachable moment, but I would never resort to physical violence. As another comment stated, it is hypocritical and sets the wrong example. Fighting is bad so I’m going to overpower you? Um, no. I implore you to get some support and explore other resources before it is too late and you damage your family.
August
My father used to hit on my hands or legs (below the knee) to make me behave in the way he wants. I also used to cry. My mother never did that. I remember one time when she threatened to hit me. I am still scared of my dad and I can never have a normal father – daughter relationship with him. I know he loved me then/loves me now. But I cannot shake the fear.
On the other hand, my husband’s parents routinely hit him in way which would be considered physical abuse today. But he has no fear like me. He has a very good relationship with his parents. Though he remembers sometimes when he got beaten for very normal childlike behaviors and he feels it was wrong to do so. He thinks hitting children to discipline them is acceptable.
If we have children, physical punishment is not an option. I cannot get myself to beat my child. My husband is an extremely patient man and I don’t think he can beat a child.
Anonymous
I was only hit once as a kid, I was two and I only know it happened because my dad told me years after the fact. But generally, my parents didn’t believe in physical punishment, loss of privileges was usually the punishment of choice if we acted up. Seemed to work just fine, and I don’t plan on hitting my kids and if I’m ever in a relationship with a man who does plan on doing so, I may decide not to marry him based on that.
For your situation, I don’t know if hitting your son is going to make him stop hurting others. It may actually send the message that it’s okay, even a good idea, to hurt people if they do something “bad,” especially if he’s in a position of power over them.
Anon for this
Nope Nope Nope. I moved out at 17, becasue of this sh*t and let me tell you ir was hard. I think I was hit maybe 4 times? It definitely messed me up. I was never hit because *I* did something especially awful, it was always a manifestation of my parents having a bad day. I remember being hit once because I got into an ivy league school and that made my dad feel inferior. Not cool.
Anonforthis
I can say I was “hit” or as we used to call it “spanked” three times in my childhood – and as an adult I will say I deserved every single one of the three times it happened. In all three instances – I was out of control and going to put myself or someone else in a dangerous situation (as in ran into the street threw myself on the ground in a tantrum; slammed a door on my father’s face). In all three instances my Dad simply picked me up, spanked my bottom and then removed me from the situation. I have an absolutely fabulous relationship with both of my parents today, and I think in those instances he made the right decision. He did not hurt me, but he startled me and got me out of the “cycle” of tantrum. I do not agree with “hitting” children on a regular basis. I certainly don’t agree with anything coming near to the concept of “beating”; however, a rare physical STOP mechanism is sometimes necessary.
anon
Picking the kid up is enough of a physical STOP mechanism.
Anon
My experience, and current thinking towards what happened, is identical to Anonforthis.
Anonattorney
+1. I was spanked a handful of times for similar reasons. I never made those mistakes again (running into the street; throwing hard toys at my sister and injuring her). I also was a biter in preschool. I just wouldn’t stop. Eventually my mom bit me on the arm – obviously not to draw blood, but hard enough to hurt – so I knew how it felt. I stopped then and there.
I never felt like the spankings (or bite) came from uncontrollable anger. I was an impulsive young child and often did whatever I wanted without considering the danger or harm to others. My parents saved the spankings for VERY SERIOUS infractions, and that really showed me that this was unacceptable behavior.
Totally Anon
I was hit quite frequently by my mother when I was a little and I think it did damage me. I find that when my DH does things that make me absolutely furious, I have an impulse to hit him. And I have hit him many times. There are better ways to control your child’s behaviour than with physical force. You’d be sending the message to your toddler that violence is bad by resorting to violence? That just doesn’t make sense.
No
No – I’m fully against, but I’m especially against hitting a toddler and especially for the behavior you are describing. Big brother is attention seeking, and putting aside everything else, you’ll be giving him attention by escalating his punishment (even though it’s negative attention, it’s still attention). He’ll keep up the bad behavior as it is clearly getting your attention. Terrible dynamic to start this young.
I’d take a step back, give him more one on one time with you and/or your husband. Try to keep the kids separated as much as possible, and read – again and again – the hands are not for hitting books. If there is a daycare or school involved, try to get the teachers on board with helping.
Anonymous
I have two perspectives. My mom had (has) a short temper and overall i think anger mgmt issues. She would what I’d call “swat” us for things like mouthing off, bad behavior (biting would count), etc. It had no effect on me other than thinking as i got older that she jus tnever really had a strategy.
My dad NEVER that I remember hit me, but he was could get me to behave. He never raised his voice or had a temper, and once, he was so angry he punched a hole in the wall but he never hit us. He did once grab me by the wrist and kind of jerk me, but I KNOW I was probably doign something monstrous or very dangerous. I remember that because he basically told me “absolutely not acceptable don’t you ever do it again.” And I didn’t.
As I now have kids, I want to be my dad, not my mom, but I’m finding it’s a blend. I think with my 2 year old I catch myself wanting to smack her, but I always think about if it’s just frustration (yes) or actually disciplinary. My husband has been a great coach here and constantly reminds me to take a breath and rise above.
Parenting is really, really hard.
JJ
Your last sentence is so true.
Sam
It was interesting to read these comments. Anecdata, for sure, but I wonder if my experience was as far out of the norm as the other comments make out. Middle class house, spanking with a kitchen spoon or belt or something was the regular punishment for wrongdoing. Stopped when I was around 12, and I do recall being spanked the last time when I was 14 and feeling really wronged but that is because I felt my growing body disqualified me from that kind of punishment. I said as much and it never happened again. Can’t say this is something I think about or that I feel particularly affected me. Personally I would never go for physical punishment and objectively it seems wrong and counterproductive to me.
emeralds
Agreed. My mom never spanked, but my dad did, sometimes out of frustration or anger instead of “pure” disciplinary reasons. I don’t think it was the most effective punishment and I would never hit my own child (can’t handle the cognitive dissonance of hitting a kid to teach them not to hit), but I also don’t think it had any major, far-reaching impact on my psyche. My relationship with my dad has a lot of issues, but I wouldn’t trace any of them back to spanking.
I also know that my experience is not representative of everyone else’s, as is abundantly clear in this thread and from conversations I’ve had with friends.
lawsuited
I think it depends hugely on the age of the child. Before I child is at the age of reason, physical discipline is an effective way of communicating that something is bad, where explanation does not work. In Canada, the law prohibits physical discipline before the age of 2 and after the age of 12, which I think is an appropriate limitation.
I was spanked sparingly by my parents in response to repeated bad behaviour where verbal warnings and timeouts had not worked, and it was successful in modifying my behaviour. I don’t recall exactly what age I was, but I know it had ended by the time I started school (age 6). I don’t believe it had a negative impact on the very close, loving and supportive relationship I have with both parents.
Anonymous
I think it depends on the parent and on the kid, and only you can make that judgement. I was spanked regularly (with an open hand, not hard) and it was not good for me. I ended up acting out in anger sometimes throughout my childhood. Occasionally I’d get in a verbal fight with another child and hit/scratch them (no real fistfights or anything). My siblings were spanked more than me, and they turned out OK. so it really depends on the kid. My DH and I have decided not to spank since scientifically it doesn’t do much to curb bad behavior. Watch a kid who is spanked (in an actual study) and they will go back to doing that behavior in 10 minutes. It makes them more aggressive and have less control over emotions. BUT, I think it’s a parent’s choice and if you do spank it should be a “last resort” more than a “first option” for discipline. Time out tends to be a lot more effective since social ostracism is pretty upsetting to any human.
Anonymous
I was spanked as a child, but not often and not ever because my parents were angry and impatient. It was a combination of time out and spanking. When I misbehaved I would be sent to the couch to sit by myself and wait for my spanking. The time spent waiting, I would do a cost benefit analysis and would come to the conclusion that being bad was not worth the time out and waiting for punishment.
The spanking made no lasting impression in my memory. In fact, I’m pretty sure half the time I wasn’t spanked and I was just in time out thinking about it. This did create a feeling of fear towards my parents, but since it never came from them just getting mad at me for no reason, I don’t think I was unreasonably scared or had an unhappy childhood. It just made me very obedient, but I was also very obedient to begin with, so there’s that. I always knew my parents loved me and cared about my well-being, even then, and we have a good relationship now.
I’m not sure I will “hit” my children, since I think the time-out did more to correct my behavior anyways.
lucy stone
Apparently I’m the anomaly here, but I got spanked a lot growing up and I “deserved it” every single time. My husband was spanked a handful of times and also “deserved it.” I’m certainly not talking full on beatings, but one or two swift hits that left no physical markings. I acted out a lot and it was generally the best way to get me under control. I have an excellent relationship with my parents. I don’t remember ever getting spanked until about age 5 or 6.
Anon
Has anyone had any luck with online dating? I know it’s pretty tough in general, but I joined OK Cupid and it is depressing! There are hardly any men I would consider meeting for a first date and the dates I actually do go on are horrible. I had a date with a man in his late 30’s who has never been out of the U.S.!! Any suggestions on a better site or are they all the same?
Anonymous
Hinge.
Also just keep trying. In my experience it’s a lot of effort, and you can’t let bad dates keep you from trying.
Also also, I don’t want to date a man who hasn’t left the country either, but that’s not a horrible date. That’s just a date on which you learned of an incompatibility.
Anonymous
Ok. I agree that online dating is terrible, but whoa with your judgment. I’m 34 and have only been out of the US on one trip. I hate traveling and it’s not important to me. It doesn’t mean someone isn’t engaged in the world. I’m a politics and news junkie and very involved in local community stuff on things that are important to me.
agree...
We all have our preferences but the judgmental attitude of the OP I suspect will leave her dissatisfied with every suitor.
I encourage you to stop online dating, and to start working on yourself. Do things you love and enjoy in your spare time, and meet people that way. You will never find someone that meets all of your check boxes (and if you think you will, you don’t understand people). So give yourself some time to mature and figure out what is REALLY important in a man, and a relationship.
Anonymous
Oh please. This is nonsense. It’s fine to have preferences about who you date. Disliking one guy does not indicate you need to stop dating and work on yourself.
Anon
Clearly there was more too it than just the traveling! That was one aspect that I thought summed it up. I certainly recognize my privilege, but I also made appropriate choices. When I have traveled internationally, it was staying in cheap hostels while sharing a bathroom on the floor and crashing on sofas when the opportunity arose. I am not staying in 5 star resorts. I’m making something a priority. However, even if someone is fortunate enough to have that lifestyle, can you really blame someone for not wanting to alter that lifestyle? I don’t judge people for not having the privileges that I have had, but when it comes to dating, these are my choices and I’m surprised that the women on this site are so judgmental of my choices.
Anonymous
Who is the judgmental one here?
anonymous
OP, it’s cool if travelling is a priority for you. You may have more luck if you focus on interest in travel or a deep interest in learning more about the world or something like that rather than how many countries someone has been to. My husband had never travelled when I met him, whereas travelling was a staple of my life. We was super interested but never had the opportunity. It’s now something we love to do together as much as we can.
Anon
As Anonymous above said, it’s a date where I learned of a complete incompatibility. Traveling is extremely important to me. Most, if not all, of my friends have traveled all over the world so it’s something I thought was very common. It’s fine if other people do not agree, but I would not be able to date someone who does not share that same passion. There were lots of other aspects of this date that proved we were incompatible. That is just one example.
Anonymous
As to this, it isn’t actually all that common. And one of the interesting and challenging parts of online dating is meeting people outside of your comfort zone. Absolutely don’t date someone you aren’t into, but to the extent you can try to see people as awesome-for-someone-not-me, I find I feel more content with the process.
Anon 2
It’s great that you know traveling is important to you. But, I also know many people who haven’t traveled much, but would like to or at least be open to the possibility. I would encourage you not to discount someone right away simply because that person doesn’t share your passion initially. I’ve been introduced to things by other people that I am not very passionate about, but I wouldn’t have know I would enjoy those things so much if someone had not taken the time to introduce me to those new experiences.
Anon 3
When I met my husband I hated a certain sport that he had played during high school and was very passionate about. We have been together for 15 years and along the way I realized I just wasn’t exposed to it in the right way before and now I love it. Maybe this guy hasn’t had the chance to travel internationally or maybe he is ambivalent about it but traveling with you would change his mind.
Anonymous
“It’s something I thought was very common.”
HI MY NAME IS PRIVILEGE.
Anonymous
Oh the snark! Wow!
Anonymous
+ 1
This smacks of privilege and the OP does not even seem to realize this. Some people have not travelled because they never had the opportunity e.g. finances or they had other responsibilities that took priority. If travel is important I would be more concerned to the idea of meeting someone who is open to the idea.
Anon
+100000 Hello privilege.
Anon
Nothing like getting attacked on a Monday! I’m aware of my privilege, but I’m not going to date someone who is having trouble making ends meet, has to borrow money from me or has had his car repossessed, like some of my ex-boyfriends. There is nothing wrong with my lifestyle or what I want in a significant other. However, I prefer to continue traveling the world, eating my way through fine restaurants, drinking wine, driving a luxury car, and relaxing on a beach with a drink in my hand, thanks anyway!
Anon
Then have fun driving that luxury car and traveling single.
Anonymous
OP, it’s not weird to say that this guy might not be the guy for you because he doesn’t like traveling. We all have our wants in a significant other and it’s not crazy to want someone with similar interests. The reason you sound incredibly privileged is because your’e acting like the fact that he doesn’t travel internationally makes him undateable. And now you’re making the leap to him not being able to make ends meet, which is crazy. People have different priorities. Just because he doesn’t share your hobbies doesn’t mean he’s poor or unambitious or will try to mooch off of you. But I believe on most on-line dating sites you can set an income minimum for matches. It sounds like maybe you should do that.
Bewitched
Attacked??? Hahahahaha
I like to do all those things you mentioned (although I don’t drive a luxury car and don’t always frequent fine restaurants). I also like to donate to charitable causes, to spend some of my time providing pro bono services to the poor (and sitting on a board of an organization that provides pro bono services) and using some of my money to help family members in need. Feels so much better than a $200 bottle of wine, IMHO.
Wildkitten
This is why my problem with online dating was that everyone listed “travel” as a hobby. Your hobby is having days off work and being rich enough to blow money on non-essentials? How special of you.
Anonymous
You obviously run in very well-off circles if everyone you know regularly travels internationally. I love to travel and have been to 30+ countries but I am aware that I am very lucky to have had those opportunities and that not everyone has the same interests. Some of my friends would rather spend their disposable income on clothes, cars, or housewares and I don’t think that makes them less sophisticated than me.
Also please think seriously about whether you have to date your clone. I agree that you might be incompatible with someone who refuses to travel if that’s an important hobby of yours, but lack of experience does not automatically equate with dislike. My husband had been to I think 2 countries (counting Canada) when we met, but he happily comes along on trips with me and an upside is I get to plan all our vacations since he doesn’t have a travel bucket list he cares about getting through.
In general, I don’t really believe in dating dealbreakers unless it is something you absolutely cannot live with (for me those would include smoking, drugs, etc.) My husband never reads for pleasure and I always thought (snobbishly) that I would not date someone who doesn’t enjoy reading. But he’s an incredibly smart guy (PhD in the sciences) and has many other wonderful qualities. He just doesn’t happen to enjoy reading for pleasure. I’m very glad I didn’t overlook him because of something so trivial.
Anonymous
Nah. Anon’s not saying her date appeared disinterested in travel. She’s saying he is beneath her, well beneath her, as exemplified by the fact he’s never traveled internationally (along with, apparently, a whole list of other indicators).
Anon for this
I agree with all of this. While I have traveled out of the US, my husband never had when we married. If you really want to find someone, that might be a rule that’s worth breaking. If traveling is important to you, I think you need to ask if they are interested in traveling with you – not if they already have.
Josie Pye
Agreed. I met my husband on OK Cupid and things that I thought were dealbreakers–like being well-traveled or liking to cook–completely melted away when I met this amazing person who fit few of my “must-haves” but really knocked it out of the park on the things that mattered, like being an amazing and caring person. Open-mindedness is key. My mantra while online dating…if I wanted someone exactly like me, then I wouldn’t be looking for a partner, I’d be looking for a clone.
Anonymous
She’s not looking for compatible. She’s looking for suitable. So the dealbreakers can’t be overlooked.
SH
I was on Match and went on a date with a guy who didn’t like salad. When I asked why, it was because he doesn’t like ranch dressing and lettuce. He honestly, truly, without a doubt, had never considered other vegetables in a salad and/or why the salad dressing takes up an entire aisle in the grocery store. He seriously thought that there was just that many varieties of ranch dressing.
So it sometimes doesn’t matter what site you’re on.
Anonymous
This is the best/worst thing I’ve ever heard.
Anon
I’m going with best, because now I’m imagining him examining the varieties of salad dressings with child-like wonder
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s that weird? I’ve been known to say I don’t like salad because I don’t like ranch dressing and lettuce. Those are the two most common salad components. I eat a fair amount of spinach salads at home and will eat Caesar at a restaurant but often I know someone is referring to a traditional ranch & lettuce salad I say I don’t like it because it’s easier than explaining the intricacies of what I like and what I don’t.
January
I mean, it’s slightly baffling that you thought ranch dressing was the ONLY kind of dressing that exists. I don’t eat ranch dressing and don’t usually eat salad dressing at all, but I’m surprised you would just not… know… there were other kinds of salad dressing. Maybe he didn’t understand the difference between ranch dressing and vinaigrettes?
(Not saying this makes him undateable, just curious).
SH
It wasn’t so much as he wouldn’t eat iceberg + ranch, it’s that iceberg + ranch = salad, salads = gross. Spinach + tomatoes /= salad, but still gross together (they were fine apart). He didn’t know what a vinaigrette was, never heard the word “balsamic” in his life. That, specifically, isn’t an issue for me (hey, we all have our different backgrounds), but the issue was that he was totally unwilling to try it.
My mind was blown too. I literally asked if he had ever seen the “salad dressing” aisle of the supermarket before. His fate was sealed when he responded with how he didn’t know, and that he had never been to the grocery store because his mom or sisters did all the shopping, AND that he had no designs of ever going into a grocery store.
Not my type.
Anonymous
I don’t know about online dating, but your post sounds blind to privilege bias. I grew up poor and put myself through college and law school and had zero opportunities to travel outside the US until I started working as a lawyer. Then I was really busy, and stressed about my mountain of student loans and prioritized paying them off over international travel. So I have some, but limited travel experience outside the US as a 30-something adult, and the reasons have a lot to do with lack of opportunity and then financial constraints.
Anonymous
Ugh this isn’t about you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who shares your background and priorities. And I bet if this guy had said “nah I’ve never been overseas, budget and time reasons, but I’m dying to go- xyz is first on my list, I love my travel mags” we wouldn’t be having this convo.
It’s dating. I don’t have to be an equal opportunity employer whilst doing it.
Anonymous
You sound like a peach. Can’t imagine why dating would be hard for you.
Anonymous
It isn’t. I’m not the OP. It’s fine to have dating preferences. I think it’s better to be honest with yourself about what matters to you than to date guys you’re not into out of some bizarre sense of obligation.
Anon 2
There isn’t anything wrong with wanting someone who shares your background and priorities. But, I do think you can eliminate potentially other great people by having too many deal breakers. You could be missing out on someone great because they don’t share the exact background or specific interests. Especially, when that background and those interests aren’t that common in the general population.
Anonymous
Yes I agree with this. It’s the insane judgment of the OP as a horrible person I find problematic.
Anonymous
You’re right, it’s not about me, but the tone of your post (OMG I went on a date with this guy who never went outside the US canyouevenbelieveit??!!) makes you seem really tone deaf, which might be causing dating problems, and you asked for dating advice. So, check your privilege bias is my dating advice. Fine if you don’t want to date non-intl travelers, but you might want to work on the, “all my friends are privileged and I thought everyone traveled extensively” world view.
Mrs. Jones
Ditto this.
I met my husband on eHarmony, and we had our 7-year anniversary yesterday.
Anon
This. It was the tone of “he had never been outside of the US!” having the same shock and indignation as if finding out he was married or a serial killer that was off-putting
Anon 2
I know several people who had good luck with Match. However, I think all the online dating websites are kind of a crap shoot. Sometimes you meet someone great, more often then not you meet a lot of people who aren’t a good fit. Although, I would encourage you to give men more than once chance, especially if they are nice. First dates are stressful sometimes not everyone is themselves.
Anonymous
Aiiii!
I never had $ growing up and once I started working, I never had money and time at the same time. If I lived in San Diego, it would have been easy to at least go to Mexico, but I grew up elsewhere. Crossing a state border was a big deal for me.
Anonymous
So? Then maybe you’re not a good fit for someone who prioritized intl travel experience. That’s totally fine.
Anonymous
Ugh. So we judge people by the circumstances they were born into?
Anon
Wow. Tell me, when someone has to scramble for food, we now judge them for not priotizing intl travel over basic needs? That’s our standard now?
And people say privilege isn’t real
Brunette Elle Woods
I doubt that anyone on a site like this would really be willing to date someone who is scrambling for food and other basic needs. Seriously, the blazer is $1,390! Aren’t we all a little privileged?
Mpls
Well, you are going to find incompatible people on all of them. That’s just statistics. I think different apps/sites attract different types of people – and it can be different between city/states. So – give them all a try, to the extent you feel like doing so.
Also – I agree with the other commentor(s) – not traveling outside of the US isn’t the hallmark of a horrible date , it’s just a mismatch of priorities between the two of you and a valuable data point about who YOU should not date (but not a statement on whether the guy is un-dateable).
Horrible dates are when the one party is unapologetically late, dominates the conversation, has to re-ask your name at the end of the date, is rude to other people while trying to impress you, etc.
Sydney Bristow
I’m married to a man I met on OK Cupid almost 4 years ago. I used a lot of the advice I received here. If search works, I’d definitely recommend seeking out those old threads.
I’d recommend picking a couple of deal breakers and must have qualities that are really important to you and keeping as open a mind as possible about anyone who meets those few requirements. It sounds like travel is one of those for you. If that is the case, state of in your profile. Be explicit about what you are looking for.
Truly try to be open minded beyond those few requirements/deal breakers. As you meet people, you might add to or change them. It is a learning process.
Also, in my experience, the service is highly dependent on where you live. OK Cupid worked well for me in nyc. Friends in the pnw had good luck with eharmony.
Anonymous
+1. I married the man I met on OKC. In many respects, he is not at all who I would have thought I would have married. We come from different socio-economic classes, have very different levels of formal education, work in areas we each knew nothing about (as to the other), have different hobbies. But we line up on most fundamental issues—ways of thinking, money management, life goals, care for aging parents, both introverts who like alone time.
I agree about picking a couple of must haves, and then allowing yourself to date outside of your comfort zone. If travel is important to you, what about a man who has a strong interest in travel, even if he has not been able to pursue it because of economic circumstances?
emeralds
Yup. Won’t comment on the travel/privilege thing because I think others have done it extensively enough, but I’ve been dating someone from Tinder for over a year now. He is not the person I would have thought I’d end up with–he hates coffee, doesn’t read for pleasure much, has a motorcycle, is a lot more conservative than I am, has minimal interest in international travel/art museums/etc., whereas before I dated a lot of Aeropress-owning artistic intellectual hipster types–but we still line up in all of the ways that I realized really matter to me. He’s just my person. Even if he makes me brush my teeth before I kiss him after I drink my morning coffee.
Sydney Bristow
The reads for pleasure thing is a reflect example for me. Originally I thought it was very important to me that my potential partner enjoy reading. When I drilled down on it though, I wanted someone who I could have intelligent conversations with on a wide variety of topics and was using reading books as a barometer for that. My husband occasionally reads biographies for pleasure and does a lot of historical research but doesn’t read like I do. He is always up for talking about what I’m reading and often has interesting insights from his knowledge of history and from paying attention to what is happening in the world. So he definitely meets the quality I really want, but didn’t necessarily meet my narrowly defined version of it.
emeralds
Yup. Just to go back to the travel thing because it’s kind of irking me–I love to travel, see new places, experience new cultures, eat weird new foods. My job requires a lot of international experience and I spend my entire day working on international programming. My boyfriend has been to Europe once and to all-inclusive resorts in the Caribbean maybe three more times. I could be a narrow-minded, privileged jerk, and say “I could never date a person who doesn’t value and prioritize international travel!” or I can realize, this person is so great in so many ways and enjoys the parts of traveling that I love on a smaller scale–what an amazing opportunity to get to share my love of grand international adventures with him. We’re starting with a big trip out West this spring which will hopefully be a springboard for more adventurous travel in the future. Or so what, maybe he hates it, I still have a wonderful partner and an excuse to splurge on international flights to nerd around with my ladyfriends.
Anonymous
I met my SO on OKCupid, and our two year anniversary is Saturday and I thank my lucky stars for him every day. A dear friend met her now-husband on OKCupid about two weeks before I met boyfriend. I’m 28 and she’s 30, for reference. All — literally all — of my friends who are or have been single in the last three years have used online dating.
Real talk — it’s pretty hit or miss. I was on it for about a year at one point with very little success. Then, literally the day I broke up with my (terrible) boyfriend of a year, I met my now-SO on OKCupid and we agreed to go out on a date that very day. He ticks very few of the boxes I thought were so essential — he’s shorter than I’d have thought I wanted, he works in an industry I knew nothing about, and his profile said nothing at all about some of my key interests (like travel). But we were both open to the experience and he turned out to be better than I could have ever scripted for myself. He taught me to love things I’d never have tried otherwise.
All of that is to say that perhaps you should evaluate whether the incompatibilities you’re finding are actually essential or through a lens of what you think you want/need.
Please don't feed the...
Just don’t.
Anon
Hello princess, your knight on a white horse might be a while
espresso bean
As a fellow OKC online dater who also travels internationally frequently, I had to weigh in.
I have been on dates with/met people who have never traveled internationally but are far more engaged with the world and its issues than those who have traveled to 30 countries. There are plenty of people (on OKC and IRL) who come off to me as “country counters” and refer to countries as having “done” X country. “Done” X country!? It’s a place; it’s somewhere you go to experience and maybe return to, read about, explore. It’s not a place to check off your list (well, maybe it is for you, but if you view traveling the world in that way, you and I aren’t going to have a lot in common anyway).
My point is that I have seen equally closed-minded world views in people who have traveled the world and people who have never been out of their home state. For me, intellectual curiosity is very important in a partner because it’s not dependent on privilege the way access to frequent international travel can be. But the assumption that because someone has traveled int’ly he/she is more cultured and worldly than someone who hasn’t is a dangerous one, and it’s not true.
anonymous
This, x a million.
Anon
Agreed x a million.
My uncle has been to three countries, including the US (where he was born and raised). He just retired and is in his mid-fifties. He is one of the most well-spoken, well-informed, engaged with the world and its issues people that I have ever met. He knows SO MUCH about so many different topics.
You know how he learned it? Listening to books on tape, BBC, other satellite radio, and podcasts. While driving a long-haul truck for UPS for 30 years.
Don’t judge a person’s world knowledge by their passport stamps or profession.
Jules
Is your uncle single? :)
Anon
Ha! No, he isn’t (but agree he would be quite the catch). Happily married and very proud of his sole child, who he put through college on a truck driver’s salary because he’s smart with his money, too :)
Scarlett
Met my husband on OKC. There’s always tons to sort through, but keep an open mind. I liked OKC b/c people filled out a profile & answered questions, so I could sort for my own dealbreakers before I fell in love. It’s a numbers game & it takes some effort. Hang in there.
Anon
Thank you Scarlett.
January
Giving the benefit of the doubt that the travel thing was just shorthand for “we didn’t fit” – the trials of dating can be really hard to talk about with other people, because other people likely have different quirks and preferences than you. So your “guy who hates to travel” is another girl’s “great! a fellow homebody” or “someone I can teach about the joys of international travel!”
Obviously online dating does work for some people. But it can be really exhausting, and I don’t personally find it to be fun for its own sake. For you, I might suggest that you take a little more time before meeting – you might have been able to establish earlier that you weren’t compatible on the travel front (or other things). Or, just go and meet without putting any expectation at all into the encounter, so that’s it’s less of an indictment of the whole process if one date turns out not to be what you’d hoped. Good luck out there!
DD
https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating?language=en
Kat linked to this on FB a while ago. She talks about traveling being important to her and how she rewrote her profile to make that clear.
Met my last 3 serious boyfriends online
You have to keep trying. You also have to keep an open mind.
I have almost nothing in common with my current SO. I am very corporate and a homebody; he is a career military adrenaline junkie. But we have similar worldviews and values and he does things to my body that I do not have the words to describe. He makes my sterling-credentialed ex-bfs look like little boys to me now.
Open your heart and focus on making your dates feel good in your presence. Everyone has something they can teach you.
Cream Tea
Everyone with these “privilege bias” and “judgmental dater” comments needs to RELAX. I would also find that very unattractive if someone had never been outside of the country, because travel is really important to me. Someone else may find “hates animals” as an unattractive quality, or “never laughs”… to each her own.
Anonymous
I agree with this, the self-righteousness is a bit much! Are people really boasting about how they give to charity and ergo are better than the OP for not wanting to date a guy who’s never been outside the country? How do you know she doesn’t way more to charity than you do? Also, I grew up with very little money and traveled outside the U.S. a lot. You know why? I’m an immigrant. And the vast majority of people I knew growing up were immigrants, and traveled outside the U.S. a ton, often at the cost of major sacrifices in other areas of life. So I could rant that the assumption that only privileged people consider traveling the norm is itself a privileged/insider view, that only people who don’t have loved ones across the globe could ever hold. But I won’t, because that’s silly and self-righteous, and why ascribe mean motivations to people when they’re probably basically well-meaning?
Anon
Yea, I’ve written and deleted so many responses to all the hate I’ve received today. Hopefully everyone finds what makes them happy and stops judging everyone else’s life decisions.
Alana
1. The USA is huge, so for many, unlike people in smaller countries, an international trip is not a short drive or train ride away. It takes even longer if an American lives in the middle of the country or far from an airport.
2. The USA is so big that if someone wants to explore a different climate, they can do that without leaving the country.
3. Some who travel internationally often do so because it is part of their job or they are visiting relatives.
4. Some people moved for work, and spend their leave time visiting friends and relatives.
anon
Looking for ideas for my own Christmas list for relatives who have asked for a specific wish-list. I recall seeing good ideas on a thread in the past, but couldn’t find it.
Meg Murry
I found a previous post with some suggestions:
thiss!te.com /2014/12/05/neiman-marcus-three-button-knit-jacket/
Thread started by Midwest InHouse. There are also a ton of gift list recommendations on thesweethome dot com if you wanted to see if any of them suited you.
Rent calculator question
If the rule of thumb is 25% of takehome, does that mean actual takehome (including 401k automatic deduction) or should I add that back in to calculate?
Mpls
Actual take home (net pay). The money that goes into your checking account. 401k deductions aren’t money you can factor into your monthly spending budget, so it doesn’t count.
Wildkitten
Wow. I don’t think I could get a room in a group house if I used that math in DC – and lots of people make less than me.
Marion
Exactly- having lived in multiple cities over 3 continents I’d heard that a third of pay was optimistic (but increasingly unrealistic)