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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This twist-detail top from Cinq à Sept looks like a fun alternative to a standard button-up. The shape is super flattering, and the material looks like it would resist some of the wrinkles that appear throughout the day.
Wear it under a blazer for a business formal look or pair it with your favorite trousers for an easy business casual look.
The top is $295 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS–XL. It also comes in black, ivory, and navy. (Nordstrom has sold out of a few sizes, so try Cinq à Sept for those.)
A more affordable options is from Gestuz (lucky sizes, $140 at Nordstrom).
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
June
I have wound up with an invitation to a local charity’s “high-value donor dinner” event. I will not be attending in a professional capacity, and do not work in the field; I’ll be there as a friend’s +1. (He also doesn’t work in their field, he just really likes their work.)
The problem, in sum and substance: what on Earth do I wear?
I do not wear dresses, skirts, or heels under any circumstances and will not start now. My job is extremely casual in comparison to this (we require steel-toed boots most days), and the only “formal event” that I usually deal with is friend weddings where the dress code is something like “business casual at most, we want everyone to be comfortable!” The invitation does not list a dress code, but this event is for $2500-per-year-and-up donors according to the charity’s website, so I’m guessing “we just want you to be comfortable!” is not it. My friend also doesn’t have any useful input; this is his first event of this kind. We’re in the San Francisco area, so women wearing pants at formal events isn’t considered controversial.
Ideas? Suggestions? Advice?
Anonymous
How about high waisted silk-ish pants — maybe something like this? https://bananarepublicfactory.gapfactory.com/browse/product.do?pid=721236001&vid=1&tid=bfpl000032&kwid=1&ap=7&gad=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwo9unBhBTEiwAipC110bH-1z4qsSSDdeULk3lPYNcuRWaw-eN1I7fnCTgvu1sOLgLQeGwGRoCgscQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds#pdp-page-content
Anon
Not the OP but those look great!
Anon
Not OP but I really like those. They’d work for 90% of holiday parties I attend.
Anon
As is usually recommended here, can you find pics of prior year events on social media? The charity’s site?
You could probably fancy up a nice jumpsuit with accessories or get a fancy dressy blazer to wear with pants.
Anon
Find pictures of the event from last year and see what people wore. Sounds like a jumpsuit could be a good option?
AIMS
Would you wear a suit? Plenty of festive flats/loafers and tops to take that up a notch.
AIMS
Jumpsuit could also work if you don’t mind those.
Anon
Get a tux jacket and pants.
anon
I live in the Bay Area and regularly give in that range to charities. Honestly, in my area (Silicon Valley), I wouldn’t be surprised by a t-shirt and jeans. I’m a little confused about having a dinner for donors in this range—dinners are expensive and would eat up too high of a % of gifts in this range.
As a +1, I’d aim for business casual and you should be golden. Unless this is actually a $2500/plate dinner, in which case, I have no idea. Not my scene.
Anon
Can you check online for any photos of the event from prior years? I attend a lot of these types of events as a seat-filler for people who sponsored tables but couldn’t fill them and the attire ranges from business casual to prom-like. Pants and flats are generally doable but if you don’t want to stick out in a bad way it is best to align in style with the overall vibe of the room.
Anon
Unless they specify a dress code, well fitting black pants, chunky loafers, and a cool short sleeved sweater (like from Everlane or something more modern) is fine. Lean into the chic architect aesthetic-you don’t need to wear a dress and heels to be dressed up.
For style inspiration, look at the current WNBA champs at their White House celebration or the US women’s soccer team or Lena Waite red carpet looks.
Anne-on
Dressy suit (tux, fun colored suit, etc.) with smoking slippers would be my suggestion. Alternately – pretty flats or heck, Rothys in a fun color.
Anonymous
If you can’t find pictures from past events, call the charity’s Development (fundraising) office and ask what people wear. Development staff tend to be women, they are the people who are planning this event, and they will likely be happy to advise.
Anon
Wide leg black pants, pointy toe flats, and dressy blouse from Macy’s or Dillards.
Anon
Fancy jumpsuit with sparkly or metallic flats.
No Face
I’ve worn black pants, black top, and a sparkly blazer to events like this when I didn’t want to wear a dress.
Anon
I’m also in the Bay Area. Don’t panic – you run a greater risk of being overdressed than underdressed.
As others have said, a nice pair of black pants will be fine. I like the idea someone else offered of a short sleeve sweater. I’d also do this in black. I’d probably add a brooch high on the shoulder to break up the black. Absent that maybe some earrings. I’d do “interesting” jewelry, like something locally made from perhaps a craft fair or an art gallery (costume jewelry can be surprisingly inexpensive at art galleries)
Enjoy! And don’t stress.
Tina
I joined a new company about 6 months ago. I accrue 2 days of PTO a month, and while I’ve taken a few days off at a time, I am on track to end the year with 6+ days off.
I know the general advice is not to take too many days off in a new job, but I also don’t want to just throw away PTO. We can roll over up to 5 days, but they must be used within the first quarter of the next year. This is a company where people do use most of their PTO.
I’ll give my team advance notice but can/should I just take a week off later this year? I’m taking days off for long weekends, weddings I have to go to etc but haven’t taken more than 2-3 days off at a time. The other option is to take time off in December, which I don’t love. We are closed the last week of the yaar anyways and apparently a lot of people just take off any unused days right before that.
Anon
If you’re entitled to them, take them off.
Ellen
Of course, take those days off, or your employer will recognize you as a sap and dump all of everyone else’s projects on you for your kindness. Trust me, the more you are unavailable, the more they will need you and want you. (Spoiler Alert: I tried this with my boyfreinds, but it did not work, tho). You are a cog in a wheel, and you don’t want to buck the trend. Use your time b/c the employer will look at you in a positive way, thinking you have more to do then being a schlubbess who has nothing better to do.
Anon
I work for an employer with a holiday break (university) and I love taking vacation days to extend that break and have 2+ weeks off. But yes, take the days!
Cb
Me too! Our uni break is much longer than my son’s school break and I love the few extra days, especially as we travel at Christmas.
My old uni closed for 2 weeks at Easter which I was grumpy about until my son started school and it mostly overlapped with his break. New uni doesn’t have Easter off and it’s going to be a bear.
Anon
We often travel for the Christmas/New Year’s week too, and I like having some quiet, cozy time at home in addition to the travel.
Presumably no Easter break means a shorter school year at least? That’s been the hardest adjustment to K-12 for me. I’m used to the nearly four month university summer break instead of the 10 week public school summer break. Summer was gone in a blink this year.
Cb
We get back on the 31st and school doesn’t start til the 7th or 8th, which feels nice.
Schools here start midway through august, get 6 days in October, 10 days (depending on how the holiday falls) over Christmas, 6 in February, and then finish last week of June. I was a product of California’s year round experiment so it feels familiar to me, with the exception of that terrible February break which only makes sense if you ski/can flee somewhere warm. Son has requested my dad pick him up and take him to their (warmer) country, so need to figure out how that works legally.
Tina
I don’t have particualr plans/trips for those days off which was part of the reason I was hesitant to take the m off, but staycation time!
Anonymous
Why wouldn’t you take them
Anon
In a new job, do what everyone else does and take them off before the end of the year.
NY CPA
+1
Anon
based on what you’ve shared and the fact that you’ve been there 6 months, I’d have no problem just taking the days if you want to – or taking a few and planning a Q1 trip so that you’ll use them all.
I am in a similar situation but more recently onboarded, and my plan is to use enough to get below the carryover cap & then use the carryover in Q1. I may also be a little more available than normal for the days that I’m just home and don’t have other plans (eg if I take extra time off around the holidays just because, I may still check emails and work if needed). this is part of your comp so use the days.
Anon
I would take off the day before Thanksgiving, maybe the Monday after, and the day before Christmas.
Roll the rest and take off a week or so in February or March. Bonus points if you take off a week and go somewhere warm (if you aren’t in, say, Texas).
Anonymous
I’ve been in a company that didn’t allow much rollover, and they started reminding everyone near the end of the year to make a plan to take the time off. Even as a new employee, they expected PTO to be taken. If you don’t want to add the time in December, split the difference and take a long weekend this fall and plan for a longer trip in the first quarter. Add a couple of days to a 3-day weekend or create a few to get holiday things done. I wouldn’t let my PTO go to waste though.
Anon
I’d say that at 6 months, you’re not that “new” as it relates to taking time off. Your team seems to have a pretty generous PTO policy and people use their PTO so I’d assume that they are thinking you’ll take a chunk time off within the first year.
I feel quite strongly about using every single hour of my PTO though. If you’re not comfortable using it all this year, take a few more one off days and then roll over the rest and take a full week to use it up in the winter
I LOVE PTO
I honestly don’t understand people who leave PTO on the table. That is part of your compensation package! I’ve never heard someone whose salary is $100k be like “Nah, I’ll just take $90k, I don’t want to look too greedy.” Days off are worth money and you are giving it back to your employer if you relinquish them!
Anon
My favorite advice on this subject came from a friend who loves to travel – he says he always likes to take 105% of his PTO allotment. He also started a brand new job and then went on paternity leave in the first week and owned it.
Anon
Because when the employer doesn’t have adequate coverage, days off are just stressful.
New Here
Use them! Or at least use 1 and roll over the others (that is what I did, I’m coming up on my 1-year anniversary).
Senior Attorney
When I found myself in this situation a few years ago, I took every Friday off between October and December. It was great.
NY CPA
Ohh I forgot I did that one year. It’s a great strategy! I’m firmly team never-let-PTO expire.
Anon
I would not recommend this for a new person – it’s annoying when you are looking for someone and they just aren’t there for what will seem like weeks in a row, or are the hold-up on getting something over the finish line for the team before the weekend. Different if you’re a seasoned employee and know you won’t be missed.
Anon
I’m an American too but this seems so uniquely American. Can I take 6 days off at a time? Are you sure it will be ok? I feel like the rest of the world would laugh at us.
The only thing I can think of is whether your department has a hierarchy system for who can take which days off. My husband was 10 years into his last job before he was senior enough to take off the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day.
And yes! Take the days. Looking back over my long career, I’ve worried about the same thing, but it has never been a problem in the long run.
Anon
I agree, take them! But I wouldn’t assume without asking that you can take any days off that you want.
Anon
How about a flowy, wide leg jumpsuit that you dress up with jewelry? Something like this one. I think you could get away with flats if you got the length right so that the pants skim over the top of your feet so that it isn’t so obvious.
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/plisse-sleeveless-wide-leg-jumpsuit/7368218?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=001
Anon
Trying on suiting pants in advance of a work trip and none fit! The waist is loose but there is butt cupping happening. What are current “curvy” cut suiting pants that may be part of a suit?
Panda Bear
Talbots and Ann Taylor usually have curvy options, not sure how current they feel. Madewell has curvy pants too but not sure if they are formal enough if you are looking for suiting. I’ve also had some luck with Banana Republic’s wide leg/high waist options as long as I size up – they aren’t curvy cuts, but they can do the trick with the right size and a belt.
Anon
I have some AT curvy pants, and find that it’s harder to find their more current/trendy styles in curvy cuts (and it’s harder to find curvy trousers vs straight leg pants). They fit me well, but they’re mostly available in black, navy, and gray, which is frustrating.
Anonymous
What size are you? White House Black Market, Banana, Ann Taylor, Express – lots of curvy options for straight sizes. Harder if you’re plus or petite.
Anonymous
I am short and curvy and cannot find suiting pants. I have one pair from Ann Taylor that are ok but the rise is terrible. I wear them when there is nothing else to wear. I almost always wear suit dresses or skirts. So much easier to find a good fit for me and tailoring is easier to get a perfect fit.
Rivian
Long shot, but anyone here own or have a Rivian in the family? Would love to hear any experiences of Rivian owners. I am in line for configuration and also looking at very lightly used R1Ses. Thanks!
Anonymous
No, but that truck weighs over 8000 pounds. If you drive it, you should be very aware of weight limits in places like parking structures, as many are not built to sustain such a heavy vehicle. You will need to observe height and weight limits as if you are driving a commercial vehicle because . . . you basically are. You also should be an extremely courteous parker and a careful driver because you can cause a lot of damage and a lot of inconvenience with a gigantic heavy vehicle like that, especially if you are going to be using it inside of a city.
Rivian
I appreciate the concern! I am aware and have driven very large and heavy vehicles most of my life (I ride horses).
Good news (I suppose), is that I live in a suburb and with large streets but certainly a good reminder about the weight. I also plan to keep my ICE vehicle for times when the EV is not optimal.
Anon
Why do you need a giant truck if you’re living in the suburbs?
No Face
If she needs to tow the horses, she will need a heavy duty vehicle.
Anon
Don’t we generally trust women to run their lives? I don’t get the constant second-guessing on this site.
anon
Yes, and there was just a study that showed that larger vehicle size is correlated to increased pedestrian deaths. Seems logical to me.
https://www.justintyndall.com/uploads/2/8/5/5/28559839/tyndall_vehiclesize.pdf
In my view, anyone driving a larger car should seriously consider the increased potential for external harms like pedestrian and cyclist deaths. It sometimes feels like an arms race for perceived driver safety with a complete ignoring of the risks to pedestrians, kids, cyclists, etc. Maybe choosing a larger vehicles even with these risks is in line with your values, maybe it’s not.
Anon
Larger vehicle weights are also correlated with increased vehicular deaths (occupants of other cars):
https://are.berkeley.edu/~mlanderson/pdf/anderson_auffhammer.pdf
Anon
Why would you ever want this?
Anon
FWIW, a truck is an open-air minivan, in terms of hauling capacity. I am assuming that OP has reasons, like moving kids to college / running a flea market shop / etc. where ready access vs renting a truck is preferred. Also: horses.
Anon
I don’t, but a friends husband bought one and they are thoroughly obsessed. They even used it for off-road camping somewhere in the southwest (put a mattress pad in the truck bed and had a popover tent top). Rave reviews.
Rivian
Thank you!
NYCer
I have a friend (not in NYC) who has an R1S. It is her primary car with two kids, and she loves it. I have not driven it, but I have been a passenger, and I will say that I did not find the interior particularly nice for an expensive car.
Rivian
Would love to hear more about your thoughts on the interior if you don’t mind. Did it feel cheaply made? Things were not intuitive or easy to use/access as a passenger? I find the Teslas feel cheaply made to me (although that’s not the only reason I will never own one).
I have driven some other mid-range/baby luxury EVs and of those the Audi Q4 e-tron is my favorite. I have not historically driven very fancy cars but am going to upgrade with my next car/SUV and am trying to do more research and testing than I normally do (which is but over email, show up and drive off the lot).
Anon
A coworker in another department has the Rivian truck and has mixed feelings about it. It is about the size of a Ford Ranger, so quite small in terms of ability to haul stuff, and the charging infrastructure is not spectacular for any long-mileage trips. She likes driving it around town well enough but has said if she could turn back time she would have selected a different EV.
Rivian
Thank you! The charging network is definitely a concern, so this is a helpful data point. Rivian is doing a deal with Tesla to increase the charging network access points available, but it’s not happening overnight.
I really like the Audi Q4 e-tron too, so it’s not Rivian or bust for me!
Anon
I recently bought a Q4. So far I really like
It. I previously had Audis so the interior is fairly similar. It’s fun to drive. I don’t drive long distances and have a home charger so range is not an issue for me. I
Anon
I don’t know anything about Rivians but as a fellow horse person (who used to have an old f-250 diesel for hauling), can you haul a horse trailer with it? With two warmbloods? Is it any good for that purpose? If so I may add it to my aspirational set up, not that I think I would ever spend the money on it now that I don’t haul to shows very often.
Anon
Design help? I’m looking at drapes or shades for our bedroom’s french doors, but not sure what would be best. What have other people liked? These doors are rarely opened but swing like regular doors. It should be able to be opened and closed easily, since I like to keep everything open during the day.
Also, any color/pattern suggestions? We have honey oak trim and doors, beige carpet with a tan border and currently have rose patterned wallpaper on two of the walls (but not on the wall with the french doors, which are plain white) and our other windows have beige cell shades. I want it known I did not choose any of those finishes. So if you can suggest something other than beige that would work with that color scheme please let me know, because I don’t really want more beige/brown in there.
Anonymous
I like wide composite blinds (the kind that used to be called “plantation blinds”) that are anchored at the bottom so they don’t swing around when you open the doors (you can pop them out of the anchor to raise them). If shutters can be mounted on the doors those would be even nicer.
Anon
+1 to blinds anchored at the bottom
Anonymous
I think it depends why you want the drapes. My home office has french doors and I really needed to insulate the sound from my kid screaming on video games with friends, so I just bought white blackout drapes and just hung them over the doors with a rod. If I wanted something more wispy or filmy I’d have gotten really tall sheer drapes and hung the rod near the top of the ceiling. If I actually wanted to block light I’d be looking at those little drapes that attach to the french doors.
i’d probably go with plain white or with a red/pink that matches the rose wallpaper.
Senior Attorney
How about a fabric Roman shad in a color picked out of the wallpaper?
Senior Attorney
Shade.
Anonymous
What color is your bedding? I’d choose something to coordinate with that.
Anon
Would you consider replacing the French doors with the ones that have two panes of glass and shades in between the panes? We had those, and it was much more convenient.
Cb
Any portable breakfast advice? My new commute means I’m leaving the house too early to eat (I normally can’t face food til 8) and I’d like to bring something that I can eat on the train. I tried a pb&j, made the night before but the bread was really dry (homemade bread so no preservatives), I don’t love cold oats. I’ve got a cycle commute at both ends, and go straight to the classroom to teach, so trying not to add too much to my already heavy backpack/something too messy.
I wouldn’t mind baking something for the freezer. Maybe big bran muffins? I am dairy free but I’m comfy with butter substitutes.
Anon
I would do muffins, yeah. A lot of muffins are made with oil instead of butter so there’s no dairy to substitute.
Anon
There are so many options for muffins! You can make them with sweet potatoes, eggs, oatmeal, almond flour, etc., to make them substantial.
Anon
You can often sub in applesauce, pumpkin puree, mashed bananas, etc. for oil or butter when making muffins.
Anonymous
I eat a piece of fruit and a serving of nuts as my breakfast on the go
NYCer
+1.
Anon
I would put a mound of fresh berries of all kinds in a tupperwear with a bunch of nuts or a piece of cheese or a hard boiled egg.
Anon
My dad does fresh berries + alongside breakfast every day. He’s able to eat it while he drives to work.
Anon
I like the many varieties of superhero muffins. Most of them call for butter or coconut oil, but I just use canola or another vegetable oil because I’m not a seed oil conspiracy theorist (and I don’t like the taste of coconut oil).
Cb
Thanks folks, will investigate recipes. My nana used to make amazing hearty bran muffins, wonder if my mom has the receipe.
Yesterday, I ate a banana, 2 bites of terrible catered sandwich, a granola bar and got home at 8pm and cried. I need to figure out the food situation in my new location (rural, very spread out campus versus my old city centre campus with amazing food options a 5 minute walk).
Vicky Austin
Smitten Kitchen has a good bran muffin recipe; I can’t remember if it has dairy in though.
Anon
Many bran muffins use buttermilk, but oat milk plus vinegar can be substituted with very little difference in any muffin recipe I’ve ever tried.
Anonymous
+1 for superhero muffins. More staying power than muffins made with wheat flour. They freeze well.
Away Game
Toasted cheese sandwiches would be portable and the toasting sort of masks the dry bread problem. Or you could try PBJ – or cheese, or scrambled egg or anything with a bit of protein – on an english muffin or other bread-like food. Yogurt and a banana are also both portable.
Away Game
(Obv the cheese/yogurt in reference to the above suggestions would need to be the vegan/dairy free kind!)
Anon
Yogurt. Baked oatmeal. Chia pudding. Toast (made that morning and packed) with PB and fruit. Smoothies.
Anonymous
Dairy-free protein shake.
Anne
I like bread and a little butter (made morning of) when in doubt.
Anan
My go to one handed breakfast on the go is a leftover burrito. Basically whatever leftovers I have in the fridge wrapped in a tortilla. Usually it’s beans, chili, Indian Food, stir-fry, tofu, hard boiled eggs… pretty much anything except soup or pasta seems to work.
If I so have time, I’ll scramble some eggs, and fold it into the tortilla with avocado and cheese. I’ve also made and frozen burritos too- mostly bean and corn.
If I have time to eat when I get to work. I will put frozen fruit, yogurt, nuts and seeds and a drizzle of honey in a thermos.
Anan
Oh… forgot about the dairy free bit… so here’s an alternative- last week, I made matcha chia pudding and ate it all week:
Oat milk, maple syrup, chia seeds, let sit overnight in fridge. in the morning, top w frozen mango.
No Problem
Hard boiled eggs and fruit (banana, apple, orange). Granola bars. Nuts and dried fruit. Muffins. Breakfast burritos (make ahead and freeze; defrost overnight and microwave for a minute in the morning to make it hot).
Anon
I eat a lot of Kind bars.
Anon
There’s all kinds of cool possibilities, which I usually never get around to. So my norm is a Kind bar, a banana, and a cold brew made with almond milk, ice, and Pop and Bottle cold brew concentrate.
Anon
A granola bar + a ziploc of almonds and dried fruit.
Anon
Does anyone have any of the Sienna suiting pieces from Banana Republic? I need a suits from there pre-pandemic b/c you could get regulars and petites and they had a pear-friendly pants cut. Now, the lineup of suiting has changed (I was a Logan pants person). Anyone? Anyone?
anon
I’m a pear who has given up on BR pants. None of them fit my thighs and hips correctly.
Anon
Where do you get your formal work wear? I feel like I’m at the point where the idea behind St. John suiting appeals to me (but not the actual items or the price tag).
Anonymous
Try the Tahari line at Macy’s or Talbots.
Amelia Pond
loved the Logans! if I recall correctly last time inwas on their site if you searched for logan pants they had some, but they didn’t appear in the normal.pants section.
CreditRisk
I gave up on BR suits. I have no idea who BR suits fit but it isn’t me! Ann Taylor, St John on sale, J Crew and Reiss is where I am at. I don’t wear pants, just dresses. Far easier. I have a couple of suits with skirts.
St John is great because its a plain black dress with jackets. I got the dress first on sale and then picked up jackets when on sale. I later found Brooks Brothers has a couple of great black dress which is very similar at a fraction of the cost (about $100 on sale). I also have used this dress which is $300. https://www.brooksbrothers.com/the-essential-brooks-brothers-stretch-wool-sheath-dress/WX00703.html?dwvar_WX00703_Color=BLCK
Anonymous
Crossposting from the moms page – Can anyone recommend a podcast episode on complicated relationships with your parents and/or their unhealthy/unsafe behaviors as you get older/become a parent yourself? Some things that happened over the weekend have me looking for some outside perspectives on this.
Anon
Like how unsafe? I feel like this is a shades of gray thing, depending on the meaning AND if you are dealing with aged / infirm parents who can’t care for themselves (leaving the burner on, cooking while starting fires) or if they just do things that you don’t like. I’m at the “physical safety” stage with my MIL, so that could color my answer here.
OP
Parents are physically capable/not elderly but regularly drink excessively and made choices that could have resulted in serious harm to my children but nothing bad happened.
anon
I think you need to cut off any non-supervised contact with the parents.
Anonymous
Yeah, you don’t need a podcast for this. It’s common sense. Just put your foot down and remain firm.
kid in similar situation
+1 on cutting off non-supervised contact.
As a former kid in a similar situation, I really wish grownups had taken responsibility for keeping me safe. It’s so not fair to a child to make them be the ones to assess if a driver is drunk and then take steps to avoid riding in the car. Also, as you’d expect from a child, I was really bad at making that assessment and probably rode with an impaired driver quite a bit.
Anonymous
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Can I ask why you’re looking at outside perspectives? Are you doubting yourself? I think you can trust yourself to know when your parents are being unsafe.
I am not in your shoes but my SIL is. Her father is not allowed to be alone with her child, full stop. And she severely limits the amount of time they spend together. We live far away but we 100% back her up on this.
No Face
You know all you need to know. They aren’t safe to be with the kids alone.
I think you would be better off exploring your relationship to your parents. I liked Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents as a jumping off point.
Anonymous
I think what you’re looking for is actually just about being the adult child of alcoholics. Might help the searching to use those terms.
OP
My husband and I were both supervising the children and they were not alone at any time. It wasn’t drunk driving, it was a dangerous incident at their home. Thank you to anon at 11:40. I guess I’m just really sad about it. It feels like a loss? This was kind of abrupt and like I said I am always with the kids so it hasn’t been an issue. But everyone is right I should trust myself and I know we cannot go to their home anymore. I can’t tell anyone about this in real life so I suppose I wanted to find a resource that would make me feel less alone.
Anon
It is sad and you should take the time to grieve the loss of the relationship you thought your kids would be able to have with your parents (at least for now).
Anonymous
Al-Anon sounds like a potential resource for you. Or NAMI, depending on the flavor of their challenges and your losses. Both have support groups and other resources.
anon
Consider telling your close friend group if you are comfortable. I’m guessing that you are not alone in dealing with this. They might not tell you right away, but I expect that someone will text you afterwards. You know your group, but I promise you when you share, there are other people in the same club you don’t want to be in.
Anon
I’m sorry this happened and glad everyone is safe. It is a loss – but your job is to keep your kids safe and they’re the priority. Id explore a support group or therapist for you. And why can’t you tell anyone? What will happen? Unfortunately there have been some awful situations in extended families of my friends and we’ve all needed support – you’re truly not alone if you let your people in.
bird in flight
Specific podcast recommendations on this: We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle when she has Dr. Becky Kennedy on as a guest.
Episode 130: Breaking Cycles & Reparenting Yourself with Dr. Becky Kennedy
Episode 131: How to Raise Untamed Kids with Dr. Becky Kennedy
Episode 169: Why We Love the Way We Love: Attachment Styles with Dr. Becky Kennedy
Episode 170: The Most Radical Way to Heal: Internal Family Systems with Dr Becky Kennedy
Trish
Just came to say that I get why you want different perspectives. Cutting off the grandparents is serious and can have negative impact on your kids emotionally even if its the best thing to do. You need help navigating all of the conversations while leaving the door open for your parents to get their act together. If they were drunk and stupidly dangerous, I wouldn’t call that “choices.” People in the throes of alcoholism and dysfunction aren’t making any choices at all, really. They are just surviving. Please check out al-anon.
Lily
Does anyone own the BR Factory Icon Blazer? Is it a good dupe for the BR Captain blazer? Does the fabric seem decent quality, and is it a lint magnet?
CanadaQ
Canada Q: I am attending a hearing in Canada (Vancouver) — I’ll be sitting at counsel’s table, but not presenting. I normally would wear a sheath dress and blazer for a US hearing. However, what are the norms for hearings in Canada?
anon in Canada
Are you there as a lawyer? See if this is an occasion where you need to be robed. Fastest way to find out is to ask your co-counsel. If you are there as a client your outfit is fine. A dress (as opposed to pants) is definitely not required/a soft preference as I vaguely understand it to be in some parts of the states.
CanadaQ
There as a client! My main question is whether a suit is required, or a blazer/dress will suffice.
Anon also in Canada
Yes, blazer/dress would be perfectly appropriate.
Anon
My husband and I just booked tickets to Portugal for our babymoon over Thanksgiving! We are flying into Lisbon, but planning to drive south to split our time between the Algarve/Seville. We were in Lisbon last summer so feel fine skipping it this go around. Would love any tips for the Lagos area/Seville or other nearby day trips!
Anonymous
Lagos is lovely and you can go to the end of the earth place – I forget what it’s called but it’s where all the medieval ships launched from. There is a good restaurant on the beach there. You could also go to Tavira and eat fresh caught fish right out of the water outside. That’s lovely. olhao is a lovely fishing town to explore. Estoi has Roman ruins you might check out. Some of these suggestions may veer more towards locals, since we have family there permanently. Algarve is lovely!
Anonymous
Where are you going to flight back from? Lisbon? When you cross the border go to Cadiz at least one day or instead of to Seville.
Anon
I don’t have a ton of specific recs but I loved both the Algarve and Seville. It was unexpectedly one of my favorite trips to Europe.
Anon
flying with formalwear. flying to my SIL’s wedding soon and need to bring my long dress, DH’s suit and flower girl dresses for my two kids. we also have to schlep two car seats and a stroller, which we will be gate checking. it’s been a while since i’ve had to fly with nice clothes. tips for packing them? do i need to worry about our bag not making it, or am i overthinking this
Anonymous
Board during the special kid time and carry on the nice clothes. Politely ask the flight attendant if she can put them in the first class coat closet. I did that with my wedding dress.
No Problem
Don’t be that person. Wedding dresses get a pass, bridesmaid dresses don’t. Just pack in all in a garment bag that is intended for flying (they make these) and have that be one of your carryons. If you don’t have one of those, I’m sure your husband has flown with a suit before and can manage to get it to the other end in decent shape. Just pack your dress and the flower girl dresses carefully in your carryon (don’t overstuff the suitcase, be careful how you fold everything so you don’t create creases, etc.) and be ready to do some ironing or steaming when you arrive. If you need to check a bag, check one with all of your other clothes.
Anonymous
Why not just ask? The worst they can say is no.
No Problem
Why not just ask? Because how are you carrying all of these clothes prior to getting on the plane? In a garment bag or some kind of suitcase, right? Both of which are designed to go directly in the overhead bins with all the other luggage, and are how the OP should be packing these clothes. This is why I say wedding dresses get a pass, they’re going to be in their own bag that will likely be bigger than a typical garment bag designed for travel and no TSA agent or gate agent is going to tell you that you can’t take it through security/onto a plane (yes, I have had TSA agents tell me I needed to consolidate all of my items into my carryon and personal item BEFORE getting in line for security (where I was going to disassemble it all to take out my laptop and liquids anyway, which was why it wasn’t already consolidated); pretty sure they would give a pass to a bride traveling to their wedding with their wedding dress but not to a bridesmaid who is being extra).
Anon
Seriously? Don’t be the person who asks to preboard because you have a dress. The answer to why not is because you know better and you’re putting the burden of policing polite behavior on to people who definitely don’t get paid enough.
Anon
This.
Anon
I agree with No Problem. I also don’t think they normally have the space for four outfits. It depends on the plane, I guess, but some of those regional jets have very limited hanging space.
Anonymous
I would just pack the suit and dresses in your luggage and plan to iron/steam them. Put them in a garment bag inside your suitcase to help with wrinkles and, more importantly, contain glitter/sequins and delicate materials prone to snagging. If your kids are little enough to need a stroller then I would not under any circumstances carry formal wear onto the plane in a garment bag etc. Too many opportunities for spills and leaks.
If you’re arriving at least 24 hours ahead of time then you’re probably fine for lost luggage or flight delays. I’d be more concerned about flight delays than luggage, personally, unless you’re flying to some remote location accessible only by tiny planes with strict weight limits.
NYCer
Ideally, it would probably be best to pack them all in a garment bag and carry them on that way. I have also traveled with nicer dresses in a regular carryon, and it has been totally fine. Either way, plan on steaming or ironing them when you arrive at your destination.
NY CPA
I would pack everything in one carry on, and also buy a travel sized steamer (can be in checked luggage) so you dont have to worry about creases at the other end. Or if there’s not enough room, at least pack the dresses in a carry on (harder to find a long dress and/or new flower girl dresses than a suit on short notice in most locales).
Anon
I’ve just carried them on in a normal garment bag and then stored them in the overhead bin, you can sort of fold them up without creasing anything.
Anon
Pack a travel steamer.
anon
Briggs and Riley carry-ons have built in garment bags. You can put the suit and long dress in there, then put flower girl dresses in the main compartment, along with all the underpinnings needed for the formal wear. This is what I normally do when there is one critical item of clothing, or we are going on vacation in the winter and need to have a day or two of clothes in case luggage gets lots.
Anonymous
I have a Samsonite large garment bag that I check. It has great hanging space.
Anonymous
See if there is a dry cleaner that will be open when you arrive. They can do a much nicer job steaming things than you can do. I’ve been saved many times with professional pressing for formal wear and even a graduation gown.
Trixie
I would ship the formal wear to your hotel. You have enough going on that it is worth the $$$. There are a number of such services, and if you ship them ahead of time the prices are lower. We do with this skiis sometimes, and it is so worth it to not have so much to lug through the sirports.
No Problem
What’s something you learned about yourself related to fashion or beauty that you feel like you should have learned earlier?
I’ll start.
I learned probably some time in college that there existed curvy cut pants and that I needed to wear them. It finally explained why I could never find pants that weren’t simultaneously too tight in the hips and giant in the waist. In retrospect, I’m not sure whether juniors clothes even had curvy cuts, but I was also shopping in adult stores (NY&Co, the Limited, etc.) back in high school that should have had them.
For beauty, I learned that eyeliner looks terrible on me (or I just have no idea how to do it properly for my eye shape) so I don’t bother anymore. No smoky/moody eyes for me!
anonshmanon
I learned in college that my self esteem jumped up the moment I stopped reading women’s magazines! Still wish I learned it earlier!
Anon
+1 to this. I also stay away from that kind of content online (like I don’t follow influencers).
Anonymous
Same.
I’m not on social media for the same reason.
Anonymous
my whole face really benefits from eyebrow pencil and mascara
fashion – i’m 5’4 but usually do prefer petite cuts for blazers and pants.
Anonymous
When I figured out my Kibbe body type (flamboyant gamine), it validated why I always thought I looked good in some styles and terrible in others, why I prefer a pixie cut, etc. It gave me a lot more confidence in my own judgment (stuff that is supposed to look terrible looks feminine and cute on me and vice versa, and there are valid reasons for it). Sticking to what is most likely to work for my actual body instead of chasing all the trends has helped me to avoid a lot of on-line returns.
anon
Agree with you. Unfortunately, as a soft classic, it’s very easy to get typecast as boring. Which sucks. I know what I like and what looks good on me. I wish I could convey that my wardrobe choices are carefully considered to match both my body and my personality and that spicing things up makes me look like I’m in costume.
Anon
Tell me more about Kibbe body types. I used to have one shape and age + perimenopause have given me a completely different shape that I cannot figure out how to dress (like sizing up isn’t the complete answer).
anon
That a high-contrast bold look does me no favors, for either clothes or makeup. Not so much an issue in my daily life, but no wonder I never felt like myself when dressed up for weddings and special events. Dark eyeliner, bright colors are awesome for others but not for me. Softer is much better.
Anon
justcurious – what is yourcolorimg like?
anon
Blue-gray eyes, ashy brown hair (mousy in its natural form), cool toned overall with slight ruddiness in my cheeks. My features, overall, are rounded, not sharp or angular in any way.
Anonymous
You sound like my twin. Years ago, I got rid of almost all my black clothes. My closet is now full of navy!
H13
– I’ll never be a 5’9″ waif-y blond and that’s ok. I can dress the body I have.
– My confidence in myself and my looks goes up exponentially when I am working out consistently.
– Eyebrow pencil really works
Anon
1) I’m never going to be the lithe kind of thin person. I’m not built that way
2) It’s OK to wear ankle length pants because you will never find any long enough
3) Time to give up the heels!
Anon
A lot of people project their crap onto women, especially women who don’t do performative femininity.
A lot of women think that other women need to “earn” the right to be confident in their bodies and fashion choices, or think that self-hatred is so normal that they will actively mock you for not having it.
Anon
I had to move to California and marry my second (Californian) husband to learn that wearing gray does me no favors. I’m European and lived in New England when I first moved to the US. In my 30s I had all these “classic” clothes, like gray cashmere cardigans and brown tweed jackets that made me look SO serious. I shiver to think about it.
Anonymous
How would you deal with a sibling (or sibling in-law) who has moved out of their home with the intention to relocate and asks to come visit you, with no end date? Sibling doesn’t have a job, car, or leave the house often although he was once very successful.
Anon
Say no, they’re trying to squat.
Anonymous
This.
Anonymous
i’m passive aggressive so i’d probably try to put an end date on it by creating another houseguest situation either real or imagined – “that would be great, but you should know that we’ve already committed to host my MIL for the week of TK and we don’t have enough room for two guests”
Senior Attorney
I would say “gee, sorry, that won’t work for me!” to my sibling.
For sib-in-law I would hope my spouse would deliver the same message.
And obviously there is a lot of backstory here but I am proceeding on the assumption that once they are in the door it will be difficult or impossible to get them out. If I’m wrong, then I’d say “That sounds great! We can host you until [insert date certain].”
Anon
date certain means less than nothing to a person who intends to squat, unfortunately.
Senior Attorney
Right, which is why I recommend that only if OP is confident they are NOT intending to squat.
nuqotw
Depends on the sibling but if you want to invite the person, have a firm end date in mind, and trust that the person will leave at that time, go ahead and agree to a start and stop date. Otherwise, tread lightly.
Anonymous
This is tough – I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I think you (with your spouse) need to decide how aggressive you want to be about this and make sure you’re on the same page. For example, if it’s your sibling and your spouse is REALLY frustrated with the situation it warrants a more aggressive approach than you might take on your own. I think the blood relative should sit down with his/her couch-surfing-sibling (ideally when no one else is in the house) and have a conversation. On the more aggressive end say something like “We’ve enjoyed having you here but it’s getting to be too much. I’m going to need you to leave by today+2 weeks”. On the gentler end try “We’ve enjoyed having you here for the last x months. It’s been a rare pleasure to have such an extended visit. Now that summer is over/ the kids are back in school/ something else I wanted to ask you about your plans for the future”.
Anon
Indefinite visits are always a bad idea! It’s usually more disruptive for the host, so you effectively have to kick your visitor out. Except you can’t force them to buy a plane ticket or sign a lease if they don’t want to.
This guy is going to rely on you for entertainment and transportation. He has no pressing reason to find a home quickly. I wouldn’t let him visit without a roundtrip ticket booked.
Anonymous
Are they flying to you? If so you can ask for return flight details ostensibly so you can make sure they have a ride to the airport. If they live close enough that a flight isn’t required then clarify that they’re not spending the night.
I’d be annoyed if someone asked to “visit” when really they are asking to crash for a few weeks, even if I was otherwise willing to house them for a while.
Anon
I’d maybe offer to pay for X days in a hotel, but in a way that makes sure they can’t over stay (if that’s possible). Otherwise, I’d politely let them know I can’t accommodate their visit in my home but would love to see them while in town.
Anon
Be clear – tell them you don’t want to get in a situation where they become a tenant in your home but are happy to host them for a single overnight (or can only have them over for dinner while they are in town but let them know they cannot sleep there, whatever is relevant).
Anon
If possible, do not let them come visit. Make some excuse if you need to. This happened to a relative of mine, with her BIL, and the “leave by” date was completely ignored. The only thing that got the BIL to finally move out was changing the wifi password, so the BIL couldn’t use the wifi anymore. Kind of funny, but very effective.
Anon
What kind of relationship do you have with your sibling?
Where are they living now?
Are they sick/mentally ill? Are they at risk right now?
I mean…. I would try to talk with them about what is going on in their life. Maybe…. no trip to visit you now, but you go there for a weekend and stay in a hotel and talk with sibling about what is going on.
I’m at a stage of life where my parents have passed, and siblings are all I have.
Are you trying to decide whether you are going to cut them out of your life?
Anon
So, honestly, I’ve had both my siblings live with me in somewhat similar circumstances (at different times). I’d be very aware that this is what you’re agreeing to- them living with you indefinitely. My siblings and I were much more upfront about it than a vague “visit”, so I’d definitely recommend that. It’s not for everyone, but for me/us, this is what you do for family (and I genuinely like my siblings) and it worked well.
Anon
Seconding this loving take here.
This is what you do for your sibling. Have done this for sibling in law.
I would have soft conversations about getting their life on track and make it clear that they are staying with you until something happens. Slowly amp up the conversations frequency over the course of their stay until you have to give them the deadline (today+2 weeks) at some point.
Anonymous
so i think it really depends on your sibling relationship (reading your question, it seems like you maybe would not like this visit to be without an end date). but establish a timeline that works for you up front “we’d love to see you for 2 weeks! but we need you to leave by xyz bc we have a lot going on etc”. on the other hand i’ll also offer that my baby brother and i get along great, and he came to stay for what turned into two months when he was job hunting and it was so much fun and we really enjoyed it. we don’t have kids and plenty of space so that probably helps too. he moved out after getting a job and place but it was honestly some great memories.
anonshmanon
We might have talked about this recently, but when onboarding new employees, is it a thing that HR no longer sits down with the hire to check paperwork? I was asked to check my new colleague’s passport and visa for authenticity, and I am just a coworker with no experience whatsoever in identifying false papers. When I started, HR performed this task for me but it seems like they are just delegating that to whoever has a pulse? It somehow rubs me the wrong way.
anon
That seems like a really bad idea on your HR department’s part.
Anecdata
uhh no – our onboarding is super minimal and even so HR handles there legal and logistical stuff – fill out your tax forms, sign the NDA, etc
Is this new coworker not even your report – if so, even weirder. I would definitely push back
Anonymous
I have had to do it for my hires. I have no experience and have done it wrong at least once. Hr fixed it, but would not do it up front. So annoying/frustrating
Senior Attorney
I wouldn’t even undertake this. I would report back something like “New Colleague presented what appeared to be a passport and visa” and leave it at that.
Chl
So interesting! During the pandemic a lot of companies moved to having an ‘agent’ check paperwork because no one was in person. We would want a picture of the doc and an attestation that a human examined it. Probably led to someone thinking that there is no special skill to looking at those docs. Obviously there are industries where fraud in this space is more prevalent.
Anonymous
Who asked you to do this? If HR, tell them no. If your boss, I would interpret that directive to mean, make sure this gets done (by HR), not, you must be the person to do this.
anonshmanon
HR asked the new hire to find someone! From their email:
“Note that your authorized representative can be anyone close to you, in the US, and who can sit with you to review the original document(s) you provide to show proof of your eligibility to work in the U.S.”
This hire just moved here from Europe and doesn’t really know anyone, so they asked me. They are not my report. I know that my newest report also had to do this, but she is local so she had a friend or relative do it. I thought this might be a pandemic workaround but do HR departments now source this out or is it just mine?
Anonymous
Sure! Especially is HR isn’t local to the employee. It’s just an I 9 form this isn’t a big deal.
anonshmanon
Great! If it’s not a big deal then why doesn’t HR just do it? We pay them a lot of money that comes out of my project budgets. They are a big department who definitely are not all remote.
Anon
You sound like a peach.
Anon
Agreed. This isn’t a big deal.
Anon
Not a big deal and also? Don’t be a princess. Spend your work capital on things that matter. Your company decided not to have HR do this so do your role as a manager.
anon
I’ve had to, and this goes back over a decade. Your job is not to identify false paperwork. If they provide it, you check the box.
Anon
Exactly. The hand wringing and “not my job”-ing over this are so weird. Just do your damn job, OP.
Anon
Seeking Vienna and Prague recs! We love to walk and explore, enjoy art and history, would like to see live music in Vienna and would welcome cafe, beer garden and neighborhood recs for both.
AnoNL
If you drop a burner email, I can send you Prague guide I have created for my co-workers. I’ve lived in Prague for 10 years.
In Vienna, I like to visit the Museum quarter and always worth to check what Albertina has on offer that month. Otherwise, long walk through the city center and stopping buy at random local cafes always works. I have lived some 100km from Vienna and used to be there every month. I would also consider doing thermal spa – very relaxing in fall/winter/early spring. And the State opera – I would recommend buying tickets online ahead of the performance and get seating places, as the performance is long.
5k
Can you recommend a couch to 5k program? My daughter is starting a girls in the run club at school which ends with them running a 5k. I’d like to run the 5k with her and need to start training. Where do I begin, is there a podcast or running mix that worked for you?
Anon
I have the C25K app (free version) and it is just fine.
anon
Same. I’ve used it several times.
Vicky Austin
Yep! I think you can also find the podcast the NHS put out some years ago on most podcast apps.
anon
The British National Health Service has a good written plan for free online.
Anonymous
I really love the outdoor running classes through the Peloton app.
Anon
You start with week 1, day 1.
Anon
where i live cheerleading is a popular activity with elementary school girls. my daughter is too young this year, but wants to sign up for next year. i don’t have an issue with the idea of learning routines and performing them like one would in a dance class at a recital, but it feels a bit icky to be in 2023 for little girls to be going to cheer at little boys’ football games. at the same time, i do think my daughter would be good at it and love learning the routines. am i overthinking this? would you sign your daughter up for this activity
Seventh Sister
The cheerleaders at my kids’ middle and high schools do cheer at games, but most of their time/effort is spent on dance routines and acrobatics that are impressive in a “Bring It On”-type way, It’s also a diverse team at a diverse school, unlike my 1990s high school where they had exactly one nonwhite cheerleader. They also go to regional competitions that are all about cheer, no footballs in sight.
FWIW, my daughter likes dance and I had her try a cheerleading day camp in elementary school (camp was run by the hs cheerleading team and coaches). I was stoked about the idea of her as a cheerleader (good dancer who had done some gymnastics), but she wanted to stick to ballet. In your shoes, I’d sign her up to try it out if she’s interested next year.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t. I hate it. I don’t want my kids doing competitive cheer or side line cheer.
Anon
I find it completely revolting and would try to encourage her to get involved with something else (dance, gymnastics, some other sport). If that didn’t work, I’d let her do it because I also believe in giving girls the power to make decisions in their own lives and I understand that she wants to do what her friends are doing. But it would probably also give me some major doubts about living in a community where that’s popular for girls that young.
Anonymous
Cheerleading at higher levels is an incredible, athletic sport in its own right that can have nothing to do with cheering for boys’ sports. (I’m thinking of all the competitive all-star teams that don’t cheer for anybody – they do their routines for their own sake.) If you think she might enjoy the tumbling, stunting, and dancing when she gets older, this is a low stakes intro.
anon
I think this depends so much on the overall vibe. Can you go to one of the cheer performances and see what it’s really like? My niece does competitive cheer (no football games involved), and I’m appalled by how her gym handles it. They’re 8-year-olds with very skimpy outfits, heavy makeup, suggestive dancing, the whole bit. No way in hell would I be okay with my elementary school girl doing that activity, at that particular gym. Others aren’t quite as objectionable. There are dance studios in my town that are the same way, and others that are much, much tamer and more appropriate for elementary school girls.
anon
To make it clear: The girls’ talent and skill is impressive. But holy hell, talk about dressing for somebody’s gaze.
Anon
True. And yet we make so many female athletes dress for *someone’s* gaze, apparently, even for when there are few spectators (girls XC). Beach volleyball, track, gymnastics, regular volleyball, etc. Everything but softball and basketball seems to involve a ton of tiny lycra clothes.
Let her do it. Misogyny is eveywhere. Let her do what she wants to do. The all-star cheer teams do this with no teams to root for, but still in full glitter and bows. Ditto non-cheer dance beyond ballet. My nieces do all this and they are lovely, smart, hard-working girls. They can’t help the world they are born into and will likely move the needle as adults but why sideline them as girls?
Anon
I get what you are saying, but please remember that it is hard in athletes to be told that they are dressing for men, when they are dressing pragmatically for their sport. (Example: racing attire for runners. I burn up when I run, so shorts and singlets are where it’s at. Excess fabric chafes. It’s wildly irritating to have people assume that I’m putting on a show for men or trying to look sexy when I’m trying to land in the podium.)
Anon
To Anon at 1:11pm, if your running clothes are different (skimpier) than men’s clothes for the same sport, I would think you are doing it for the looks rather than for sport reasons.
Am I wrong? I’m willing to be educated, but barring specific anatomical reasons (e.g. women need bra, men do not) I dont see why running shorts have to be significantly shorter for women than men.
Anon
I know more men who fun shirtless than women, and also know plenty of men who run in tiny shorts. I also vastly prefer to be comfortable when I run, so I take my shirt off when it’s hot and wear shorts that don’t irritate me when it’s hot out. I can promise you, it’s not to be $exy. I routine flip the bird at cat callers and honkers when I run (and run more in the woods so absolutely no one can see me). Not the anon above but also a runner
anonshmanon
I think when Anon at 12:36 said ‘we make so many female athletes dress’ for someone’s gaze, she may have referred to dress codes in certain disciplines that sometimes are very inconsistent across gender lines. Beach volleyball is a big one that comes to mind that keeps causing backlash. Women’s competitive outfits are much skimpier than the men’s, but those are the official rules so it’s not the athlete’s choice. And gymnastics is another one!
Anonymous
Cheerleading is a legitimate sport unto itself, and an approach that (sometimes literally) sidelines cheerleaders is gross and misogynistic. The point of cheerleaders at a game is to hype up the audience, it’s not like they’re the only ones cheering for the boys. This attitude is yet another example of thinking the real sport is the thing that men do and women are merely window dressing.
OP
i completely agree that competitive cheerleading (dancing, stunts, gymnastics, etc.) looks really challenging and is a sport in and of itself. here the cheerleaders are not doing any kind of competing and the only other ones cheering for the boys are their parents/siblings/families. this is like first/second grade girls cheering for first/second grade boys football, and so forth. so no, the cheerleaders are not the only ones cheering for them, and the cheerleader parents are also going to the games to watch their cheerleaders perform/cheer, but i guess i wish they could just perform at some kind of recital/show instead
anon
If there isn’t a competitive cheer squad, I would put your daughter in dance or gymnastics, especially if your daughter is in first or second grade. In the SEUS, and while I’ve seen kids that young cheer occasionally at middle school or high school level in a take your little sister type event, routinely cheering at first or second grade games seems way too young.
Anonymous
Have you looked for a cheer gym? Those teams just do routines and compete, no sideline cheering.
Anon
If you can, find cheerleading that’s through a gymnastics center. My niece was gung-ho about being a cheerleader but end up quitting because the program she was in was incredibly boring – it was associated with a youth football league and they were always there for hours, just standing around instead of doing their routines.
Anonymous
I would never allow my daughter to do sideline cheer, on principle. I also wouldn’t let her do competitive cheer because it is just about the most dangerous sport there is. I’ve allowed competitive gymnastics and rock climbing, and I was a pole vaulter myself, but the risks of competitive cheer are just too much for me to accept.
anon
High-level competitive cheer is an insanely amazing sport – it’s like group floor exercise – and I love watching it. That being said, it’s also very dangerous. Bear in mind that if your daughter falls in love with it and wants to get serious, it’s as dangerous (if not more) as competitive gymnastics. Agree with the commenter below that programs through a gymnastics center are a good way to make sure she’s getting safety/technique-focused instruction that will help reduce injury risk.
Anon
Nope. I feel icky about it for the same reason you do. Dance, gymnastics and figure skating give a similar experience without the cheering for boys aspect.
Anonymous
I was in a wedding over the weekend and holy heck no wonder young women are so anxious about their appearance. I’m 40 and fairly comfortable in my skin. I guess it had been a while since anyone helpfully tried to fix every little flaw in my appearance. I’m feeling positively downtrodden today. I can’t decide if I want to crawl under the covers and never come out or go to the most expensive spa in town to fix everything about myself. Hello, anxiety from my 20s, it’s been a while!
Oh wow there’s a lot of buildup in your hair. Can’t you feel how heavy your hair is??? Hmm your hair is too fine to hold a curl the style is going to fall out. Your hair is thinning here, you really should’ve brought extensions to fill that in. Is your skin always so oily? Do you exfoliate? Oh you exfoliate too much here and too little here, your foundation is going to separate. Looks like someone hasn’t been outside much this summer, and you didn’t even get a spray tan, I didn’t expect to need such a pale color in the summer. Come here little miss oily I have to touch you up AGAIN. Let me cover your little spots. Smile! No smile like you’re happy. You’re like my niece when I say smile and she just shows me her teeth. Why do you look confused. Stand up straight. No straighter, you need to make yourself taller. Open your eyes. No OPEN them stop squinting. Stand over there in the sun. Why are you so sweaty. Yup your foundation is separating like I said it would, you shouldn’t have let me put so much matte on you, you’re not as oily as you think you are.
anon
Were professionals saying this junk to you? Because that’s beyond the pale and completely UNprofessional.
OP
Yup! All said by professionals.
anonshmanon
multiple people???
OP
Yes, hair, makeup, photographer – 3 different people.
PolyD
What sort of crazypants wedding did you go to?? Who was saying all this to you? Were you on some sort of Candid Camera: Mean Stylists edition?
Anon
They are trying to upsell you and do so by negging you. Find different professionals who are worthy of that name.
Anon
+100
Anonymous
I could believe this if it happened at the makeup counter or whatever, but none of these people had anything else to sell. Hair and makeup are each a set price for everyone with no add ons available. The only additional cost is their tip, and of course I tipped but I probably would’ve been more generous if I’d come away from the experience feeling fabulous! For the photographer, though, I think he was just a jerk. It’s not like I’m buying anything from him.
Anon
I mean if you want to think it was personal, I can’t stop you. I can say that I have had a LOT of so-called professionals insult my appearance – usually in ways that can be “solved” by purchasing their other services at a later date.
I remember a woman giving me a manicure and saying nasty things about my eyebrows as I paid the bill. Was she thinking I was going to schedule an eyebrow wax right then and there? No. Was she hoping I would schedule one the next time I came in for a manicure? Yes. (Did I ever go in for a manicure again? LOL no.)
OP
Oh I don’t think it was personal I think they’re just rude people!
Vicky Austin
Uh…give it a couple weeks, then tell the bride the professionals spoke to you like this. I would be appalled if another adult called me “Little Miss Oily.” (Honestly, it grates when the daycare teachers call my son “little man,” but that’s probably a me thing.)
Anonymous
Omg what? Little man? Why? People are way too much drama
Anonymous
Why make the new bride feel bad though? She has already paid them and she wasn’t the cause. I wouldn’t want my friend to feel bad. Honestly, OP should have said something to the hair and make-up people after they were done. The photographer is trying to get a picture with decent posture and no squinting–that doesn’t feel like a personal insult the way the other comments were (but I could totally see how it would feel that way coming off of the rude glam squad).
anon
Oh man, that would make me anxious too. Don’t go to the expensive spa–the expensive med spa in my town will just tell you about even more “problems” you didn’t know existed that they just so happen have the ability to fix for a steep price.
Can you book something fun and outdoorsy with friends who DGAF about these things?
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Anon
Good lord — and this is probably a job where tips factor in to the pay. Eek!
“Dear sweet Jesus, please help me not stab these fools with a mascara wand.” Repeat as needed.
Anon
I guess anyone can call themselves a professional, yikes.
Anon
Incredibly rude and unprofessional. Ignore & forget. Unless it would be cathartic to post a bad review where you say what you think!
Anonymous
Yikes! Nothing can top the conference I attended where a group of plastic surgeons were conferencing as well. One of them was behind me in the check in line, and helpfully told me he thought liposuction could take care of my saddlebags.
Anon
Did you ask him what would take care of his mouth?
O:-)
ArenKay
Anon at 2:25 lol
Anonymous
This is not about you, this is about TERRIBLE PROFESSIONALS DOING A BAD JOB. Totally, totally inappropriate behavior.
Anonymous
It’s sad what is allowed to pass as “professional” these days.
Speak to the bride about it, and ask her to give you company names so you can send in complaints.
And you should complain, because that was unacceptable.
Anonymous
That sounds like an aggressive way to sell you stuff and is common but not universal. My daughter just worked with a fantastic hair and makeup artist for her senior portraits who said nothing but positive things. “Oh, that looks so pretty! You look so happy and radiant! Your pictures are going to be so amazing! Are you having fun? Does this look the way you want it to?”
Anonymous
I think these people learned customer service from the same source as waiters and restaurant hosts. They think that if they insult you, you’ll believe that what they are selling is more exclusive.
Anon
Oh boy, the beauty industrial complex… I had a hairdresser make comments like that once in my 20s, and I never went back. Before you decide to go to a spa to “fix” anything, may I recommend Jessica deFino’s The Unpublishable substack?
Anon
A few weeks back I asked for NYC bookstore recommendations. Thanks so much to everyone who replied! I’m back from my trip and my friend and I had a marvelous bookstore tour and bought way too many books. Here’s where we went:
Books Kinokuniya near Bryant Park
The Corner Bookstore (upper east side)
Strand
Bookmarc
Left Bank Books
Three Lives & Co.
Goods for the Study (not a bookstore but amazing)
Argosy Books (the most fabulous used bookstore we visited)
Spoonbill & Sugartown in Brooklyn
Book Thug Nation in Brooklyn
McNally Jackson in Brooklyn
Alabaster Books
Forbidden Planet
Westsider Rare & Used Books
Strand (upper west side)
Anon
This list is incredible! Going to NYC next month and I will be referring to your suggestions. Thanks!
highlander
Thank you for the followup! Did you have a favorite?
Anon
OP here, I especially loved Three Lives, small but very well curated. Argosy was amazing for used books, and Spoonbill & Sugartown was fun and eclectic and in a fun neighborhood. One that I really wanted to get to but didn’t was East Village Books. I went there and they had closed early that day.
Anon
Thanks for sharing! This reminds me that one day I want to take a book vacation with my sister where all we do is read books and eat good food!
Anan
I want to go on this trip.
Perimenopause
Is there anyone here who can’t take hormones/HRT for perimenopausal symptoms (eg. hot flashes/sleep)?
What are you taking? Any problems/side effects?
I can’t take HRT because of my cancer risk. There is a new medication I hear that is just for hot flashes, but I suspect it will be crazy expensive…. Anyone on it? How much is it?
Josie P
Yes me! (Clotting problems) I am not there yet but eager for an alternative!
Anonymous
I’ve had BC, so I can’t take any hormones (boo). I haven’t tried the new hot flash medication, but I do take Effexor for the hot flashes. It really has helped me – almost instantaneously. Plus the mood assistance doesn’t hurt at this life stage (early 40s) and post-cancer.
OP
Thanks for sharing this. What kind of dose are you on? I heard it was too low a dose to help your mood, but maybe that’s not right? Or maybe you sleep better, and that makes your mood better?
Someone told me they had a lot of side effects with Effexor so it made me nervous. They complained of weight gain and headaches (I have both of these as perimenopausal side effects) and it can make your restless legs worse.
Anon
I didn’t. I’m on the other side now and there were some difficult periods of having serious hot flashes, but luckily my sleep was more or less OK. I carried those folding fans everywhere and just owned my hot flashes.
I have too much cancer in my family + I already feel like I’m on too much medication (two autoimmune diseases) to take more pills, so I just didn’t.
OP
Yeah, part of me is so tired of all the medicines I am on… I also have multiple inflammatory type disorders.
But my sleep loss is so brutal, that this can’t continue. I am already doing all of the behavioral changes I can do….. And I just found out my insurance may cover the new medicine that just blocks hot flashes, so I was wondering about trying that since it may have fewer side effects. But I’ve never known anyone on it. Maybe you don’t want to be the first group trying a “new” medicine…..
Anon
If one of those meds is ever prednisone, there are some new studies on using metformin to block prednisone side effects that I found fascinating (it’s literally blocking them, not compensating for them, and it’s not only in patients with blood sugar issues).
Anonymous
My OB had me start taking a lot of Omega 3 fish oil. You might ask yours about that.
OP
Interesting…. I take some fish oil, but more for my hair. What kind of dose do you take? I’ll ask my GYN this week.
Anonymous
I took Effexor for several years to offset the mood impacts I had from tamoxifen (for breast cancer). I still had hot flashes, but it definitely helped with the mood issues. To be honest, I never pursued increasing the dose to deal with the hot flashes.
I weaned off slowly after I stopped tamoxifen and didn’t have any issues.
Anonymous
What do you wear for lounging at home that’s not pajamas? I would like to up my loungewear game. Recs for specific products welcome. My house runs warm in both summer and winter due to our heating/cooling system.
Anon
I like Vuori clothing, for comfort
BeenThatGuy
+1 to Vuori. I finally shopped there in person and touched every single piece of clothing. The fabrics are amazing. They also hold up well to washing and wearing frequently.
Anon
I have way more Vuori clothing than I care to admit in public.
Anonymous
Invariably things from Costco. Some items are so comfy!
Senior Attorney
I’m pretty sure this doesn’t count as “upping your game,” but I change right into cute shorts and a cute tee the minute I get home from work in the summer. In the winter I like leggings and cute sweatshirts.
Anonymous
I wear jeans, tshirts, shorts, cardigans, wool sweaters, hoodies, button-downs…basically anything casual that is also suitable for going to the mall or on a day trip.
Anon
Jogger sweatpants: Vuori, Alo Yoga, Abercrombie. Long sleeve wrap tops like the Athleta ones. Fitted zip-up hoodies: the Skims hoodies are great for short people. My black Barefoot Dreams cardigan gets worn more than my maroon one – somehow the black looks nicer. I keep the colors neutral-ish so I can still mix and match if I’m behind on laundry. I prefer to look decent enough that if I ran into an acquaintance at Walgreens I wouldn’t be embarrassed.
Anon
So I just can’t bring myself to buy Vuori type stuff for lounge wear. Not worth the price differential for me.
For summer, I love the Costco wide leg lounge pants/sleep pants that are thing, comfy and drapey. And then I have a range of summer T shirts or tanks or loose activewear tops from Old Nay / GAP. I am cool, comfy, no wrinkles…. and very cheap. And then I have some awesome Coolibar 3rd pieces / cover ups that I throw over my thin lounge clothing when I run errands/work in the garden because I want the skin protection and to stay cool.
I’m not a shorts person.
For cooler months, I have Athleta joggers and wraps… Pramayama (sp?) over the same summer tops.
Really comfy warm slippers for winter. Lots of long thick cashmere sweaters for winter to throw over everything and cozy robes.
Why say anything?
So before I even made it into the courtroom this morning the court officer said “You look tired” and some random woman I’ve never seen before said “I can’t believe you’re wearing heels. You need to treat your feet better.” I was wearing sling backs with a 2″ block heel. I replied to neither, not really trusting what would come out of my mouth on what is effectively a Monday morning. Why would people even say this stuff?
Anonymous
Ugh sorry. Were you in NYC? i feel like there are court officers there that are are always trying to instigate drama which is kind of the opposite of their job. I’m sure you look good and your shoes sound cute and appropriate.
Anon
Ugh, that sucks.
Anonymous
I’m the bridesmaid OP from above and I feel this pretty hard. Idk why people think it’s ok to make rude judgy comments about a woman’s appearance. I’m not sure how old you are, but if it’s any comfort, these comments have become less frequent in my daily life as I’ve gotten older. Weddings being the exception, it seems.
OOO
Has anyone had eyelash extensions? My natural eyelashes have always been very sparse so I’m curious
Anonymous
I haven’t but I know a bunch of people who have. They look fabulous. I believe it’s time consuming to get them done and it requires a fair bit of maintenance. As someone who can’t even sit for a manicure it’s not for me, but I always admire my friends who get it done!
Anon
I do! I go to Amazing Lash Studio every two weeks. They look very natural and I get compliments all the time. People are shocked when I say they are fake.
Anon
I know a few people, but to me it looks like false eyelashes. Maybe they overdo it.
Have you considered Latisse? I did it and it was amazing. I had to stop because of an unrelated eye problem (autoimmune) but I miss my lashes!
Anon
I know women who get high quality lash extensions and I can still tell. They look good but even the subtle lashes don’t look totally natural. It’s kind of like balayage or highlights that are pretty but you can tell the woman wasn’t born that way.
Anon
I do – you can pick a variety of looks, I do very natural so it’s like I’m always wearing perfect mascara. It takes time, mine last about a month, but the OOTD quickly factor is totally worth it.
Anon
I have not, but I have had the dye and I was amazed how much “more” lash I seemed to have with the dye. Apparently my lashes are a mix of colors, and the lighter ones were sort of invisible next to the dark ones until darkened. If your lashes are all fully dark already this may not work!
Anon318
Does anyone know if your US passport needs to be valid for six months upon entry to Brazil? The state department website indicates it must be valid upon entry, but the websites for companies who want to sell me expedited passport renewals say it needs to be valid for six months after entry.
Anon
I can’t imagine not having a passport valid for at least six months even if not technically required. What happens if you get diverted to a different country with different requirements? Renew your passport ASAP!
NY CPA
https://www.gov.br/mre/pt-br/consulado-atlanta/english/visas/visa-requirements-by-country
Brazilian website says 6 months. I would renew.
Anon
Is your google broken?
Anon
The US state dept website refers to Brazilians entering the US. You need to look at Brazil’s requirements. And yes a cursory google suggests you need six months validity.
Anon
I recently took a position where I will need to travel about once/month. Do any of you ladies that travel have any suggestions of what makes your life easier with travel? It could be in terms of scheduling, kids, items to purchase, etc.
Travel tips from a road warrier
Prepare different travel bags that are reserved for travel and ready to go: Toiletries, makeup, and hair; Technology (cords, chargers, adapters, etc.) ; ‘Life’ stuff (Febreeze, tissues, handwipes, etc.); Medicine and first aid
(Note: I have a second set of makeup, hair brushes, and hair products for travel. Expensive at first but saves me from forgetting things or transferring things back and forth.)
Get TSA precheck or Clear (if international).
Focus on your non-wrinkle jersey business separates. Pick ONE major color scheme. Mine is black, so my bag and shoes are always black. Sweaters, tops and jackets have patterns with black in them.
Accept that your travel wardrobe will lack variety. See above.
Get a hotel credit card, join a loyalty program, and start accumulating points. I like Bonvoy.
Embrace backpacks and roller bags – shoulder bags will hurt your back.
Embrace comfortable shoes.
Senior Attorney
I keep a full set of duplicate everything in my cosmetic bag so all I have to do is throw it in my suitcase: toothbrush, makeup, contact lenses, everything.
Anon
I did the same with toiletries. I used to be a 3 weeks out of 4 road warrior (let’s be honest, it was often 4 weeks out of 4). I also had clothes just for travel – things that traveled well, didn’t need ironing, lots of knits. I limited myself to one or two base colors and I mixed and matched.
Wear compression socks or stockings on the plane, always! I prefer a window seat but I’m not going to hold if for a cross continental flight, so yes I did make my row mates get up and let me out. I promised my doctor I would get up twice per flight.
Anon
This is great advice. I do this too. Sephora often sells travel/mini sizes of makeup which are great to keep in the cosmetic bag too.
Anon
– Keep nails simple. Light color or no color so that if they chip or flake, it doesn’t stand out.
-If travel includes conferences, keep a few big safety pins attached to work bag because many times they don’t have lanyard and its hard to attach the basic tags without pockets.
-This is my personal preference but understand others would find this totally unhelpful. I always stay away from where I need to report to for work or conference, maybe about a mile. This builds in walking and light city exploration into my day because otherwise I would not get any exercise.
-Get noise cancelling headphones.
Anon
Keep a standard packing list that you use every time, then make a copy to add trip-specific items. I like a physical checklist for the morning (glasses, wallet, phone charger, take out garbage, adjust thermostat).
I don’t travel enough to justify a second set of makeup and brushes. I pack my toiletry bag the evening before then do my whole nighttime and morning routine using it. That way I’ll notice if I forgot something.
Anon
Away bag
Air tag for the bag
I don’t keep separate makeup, but I keep up my daily stuff in a travel ready bag. Having separates or dupes means I was always missing something I’d switched to or dried up mascara.
I do keep a ready to go liquids bag with toiletries.
Comfy pants – I like lulus
Cute sneakers
iPad mini for the plane
Anon
Oh and by lulus I mean Lululemon travel pants
Anonymous
Take a photo of your car insurance. If you ever hit flight troubles and have to rent a car instead, you’ll be happy it’s easily retrievable from your phone.
Always keep almonds in a carry-on in case you hit bad flight delays and the food options close (I’ve been at some airports where staffing is so challenged that all the shops close really early.)