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These colorblocked heels look interesting but still neutral — none of these colors (aside from gray) are ones that I wear super regularly, but I love them all together. They're also available in Earth (in a solid leather instead of a suede); Amazon has both shoes marked from $66-$148 (Macy's has them still at full price, FWIW). Nina Original Agenda-A Dress Pump
Here's an option that comes in narrow and wide sizes.
(L-5)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Hammam/massage while pregnant?
I’m curious about the experiences of anyone in going to Turkish hammams while pregnant. I’ll be vacationing in Istanbul while 22-24 weeks, and would at least like to get a massage if possible (it will be the first and last leisurely vacation for quite some time!). I of course know that hot tubs and saunas should be avoided during pregnancy, but I’m curious as to the relative heat inside hammams (I plan to ask my doctor, but I don’t know that she will know about the specific temperatures, either). Should I skip hammams altogether? Can I simply avoid warm rooms/waters? Can I just get a massage? Is it typical for obviously pregnant women to frequent hammams and/or get massages in Istanbul? I’d love to hear about personal experiences!
(Also, any recommendations for a specific place to go would be welcome).
Cat
I’ve been to a hammam in Morocco – the experience was amazing! I felt like I lost 5 lbs of dead skin (gross, I know). That said, it was definitely sauna-like in the scrub-down room; I had to take a break and step into the cool hallway for a few minutes because I was feeling lightheaded.
The hammam I vis*ted had several options, though – and not all of the rooms are super hot. You could do a full body mask in a relatively cooler (though still warmed) room, and they also had massage choices. Hammams that are more expensive/geared to tourists (like the one we vis*ted – normally we try to stick to local choices, but because we wanted a couples’ session, the sex-segregated local hammams weren’t going to work) I am guessing would have a wider selection of services.
J
I’ve been to a hamam in Istanbul and the one I went to (butchering the name without the diacritical marks, but Cemberlitas Hamami – absolutely beautiful and centrally located) offered massages on their own. The water baths were VERY hot. Easily warmer than your average hot tub, and those top out at 104-105 F. I just stuck my legs in for the most part. You definitely do not need to get in. The ambient temperature itself was warm but not unbearable – maybe about 85F? Kind of humid though, but the rooms are large and pretty ventilated. I didn’t see any pregnant women while I was there but I wouldn’t take my experience as gospel. I got a bath + massage package and I think it was about $70 USD altogether. I loved the experience. The bathing area is on a huge stone slab and it was so warm and relaxing. Plus the interior is absolutely gorgeous.
espresso bean
I went to Cemberlitas when I was in Istanbul, too, and I agree with everything J said. You can totally control your experience there. Even if you don’t get a massage, Cemberlitas is worth a visit just to see the gorgeous building.
Anonymous
I went to the exact same Hamam, and would say the same thing about it. I wouldn’t say the whole thing is a steam room, but it is definitely warm. I also did not see any pregnant people. I would also say that there is a less hot pool (Hot-tub like) and a significantly hotter pool, but I wouldn’t do either if I was pregnant. I have never felt more clean than after the scrub down though.
layered bob
When I was 18 weeks pregnant I vacationed in [a location that will out me if anyone knows me IRL], and did the saunas/massages/hot springs etc. As I understand it, there are two concerns with hot tubs during pregnancy – 1) the germs and 2) getting overheated or dehydrated. I was not concerned with the germs at this particular location for a variety of reasons, and I know how I feel when I get dehydrated or overheated so I just got out of the sauna/pool before that happened. I also asked my husband to help me remember to drink water, and he was probably way more vigilant than I would have been by myself. I didn’t get the loooong soaks in super hot water that I like, but I had a lovely time and definitely took advantage of being there!
OP
Thanks, this is helpful. Definitely something to discuss with my doctor, as I am generally the queen of staying hydrated.
OP
Thanks, all! Maybe I’ll research a couple of places (including the Cemberlitas Hamami) when I’m there and ask what they would recommend in terms of services, and duck out of anything I feel may be too warm, etc.
shopping challenged
For this kind of thing, I often prefer local knowledge. Ask a Turkish doctor, or a US doctor who is practicing in Turkey. That ensures that the doc knows exactly what you are talking about, so can give the most relevant advice.
Need to Improve
Every woman should do what she is comfortable with.
I went in the hot tub a lot when pregnant and both my kids are great.
The issue, as my (Harvard-educated, very competent) doctor described it to me is that you do not want to raise your body temperature so much that your body thinks you are sick and tries to expel the fetus. You would have to be in the hot tub for a long time for that to happen. Five minutes in a tub–even at 102–will not do it.
I think it’s fine to go to a hammam. Pregnant women in Scandianvia go in saunas. Do some research and decide what feels right for you.
Anonymous
Anyone have reviews on Samissura for custom made women’s suits? Thinking of trying it, but the price seems too good to be true!
anon
Just checked the site. Some nice fabrices for a modest upcharge. Does seem to good to be true.
A
I looked into it a while ago and concluded that shirts might be ok, but not suits. I found a few blog reviews online of shirts and while they didn’t look like they were of great quality, they at least could be made to fit someone with a hard to fit figure. There was one blog post I saw with a review of suits and pictures – you can probably google “Sumisurra Alexa Chung” – by a woman who had some suit Alexa Chung wore copied. She acted like she liked it, but it seemed like it was free to her and I thought it looked very ill-fitting and cheap.
Ellen
Yay! I love these Nina shoe’s, and will try them on in Macy’s–thank’s for letting me know that they are still FULL price at Macy’s, so I will NOT buy them there if I like them. Mabye Macy’s will put them on sale and then I can get them there and get my discount and reibursement from the Manageing partner! YAY! These are closed toe so I have a shot!
Has anyone in the Hive watched Ja’mie on HBO? Myrna showed it to me and I was grossed out by Jamie, but then found out afterward that she was a MAN! FOOEY! That explain’s why she looked so awful. I do NOT see the HUMOR there. But it is Australan, and they do NOT share the same joke’s we do.
Cautious Renter
How did you know when you were ready for the commitment and responsibility of home ownership?
DH and I have been very happily renting a shoebox in a very desirable (read: expensive) part of our city. We absolutely love it, but going from renting what amounts to a guest house to purchasing an actual home, our monthly housing expenses will triple. Our current rent is obscenely low, so it is still affordable, but I am having trouble getting comfortable with spending so much, especially when we don’t need to move (don’t have or plan to have kids). For reasons not relevant here, we are not really open to moving outside of this area.
Did anyone else go through this when switching from renting to owning?
roses
Hi there – yes, I went through this, but I think everyone’s hesitations are different. The best thing we did was to talk through our thoughts with a realtor that came recommended by a friend as trustworthy and non-pushy. He helped us figure out what we wanted, where, and whether that was a good idea from an investment standpoint.
padi
I was ready to buy when my rent skyrocketed for the third year in a row and I was sick of moving to a smaller apartment every year to contain costs.
If I had had a great deal on rent and no crazy rent increases, I would still be renting. The apartment stock in my area is so much nicer than the condo stock.
Unless you are in a hot housing market, housing isn’t really an investment, just a way to cap your cost of living.
Cautious Renter
I think part of the issue is even though our rent would be triple, so would of the amount of space. I’m just having a hard time rationalizing that we need it. Part of me feels like we need to “grow up” and stop living in a guest house, and the other part of me is afraid of the commitment and responsibility that comes with a house. I love the house, it’s just SO much money. And I’m really cheap.
Anon
I am Anon who posted below. I feel exactly like you about the commitment, responsibility and the mortgage that comes with it. I am just not ready for that. Eventually, we will buy a house. But it will be a mid-sized home like 1500 sq ft. I cannot think of maintaining and paying for a anything bigger than that.
InfoGeek
Maybe you need to fall in love with the Tiny House movement.
There’s nothing especially grown up about living in a bigger space.
More space means more area to furnish and clean and maintain. In our house, it means more space to grow clutter.
More space can bring on more decisions (like do family and friends stay with us when they visit, or do they need to stay in a hotel?).
padi
This. I downsized because I really didn’t need the extra space and didn’t see a need for it in the foreseeable future. Being grownup isn’t about the amount of space but more about upgrading from a futon and posters to a real bed and framed posters.
I still feel like I have too much space (I think a 1 bed + den instead of a two bed would be ideal).
Cautious Renter
I love these! Unfortunately they just aren’t done in my area. The cost of land is too high to build a small house.
Anon
We are in a situation where everyone in our circle including co-workers have bought a home. Every one asks us all the time why we are not buying a home, tell us that interest rates are going up, prices are going up and we better hurry. Me and my husband are not excited by the idea of home ownership. I just feel it is too much of a burden to own a home. We just are not ready and very happy in our rented apartment. But the peer pressure to buy a home is intense. There are just two things people ask. 1. When are we buying a home? 2. When are we having a baby? When we just evade answering by giving some answer, most of them start arguing with us trying to prove how wrong we are. I am just so tired of this.
Cautious Renter
You sound like us! I definitely think the societal pressure is part of it. There is part of me that wants a house, but I don’t know how much of that is just ingrained in me and how much of that is real.
BB
Is a condo not an option? I’m totally not ready for an actual home ownership – all the projects and things like that – but I can handle what is essentially a version of my current apartment that I own.
(Also, I literally just spent a sleepless night this week freaking out over how much our housing costs were going up with a potential condo purchase, so I feel your pain!)
Cautious Renter
It’s good to know I’m not alone! With everyone I know buying or already owning I sometimes feel like it’s me. We would prefer not to go back to being attached to other units, so we have ruled condos out. We have become spoiled not sharing walls.
Anon2
Ha! Same here. Except we aren’t married yet. We did, however, have the following exchange:
Us: “We got engaged a few weeks ago in Colorado!”
Friends (two male friends, not a couple): “Congratulations! Have you bought a house yet?”
Us: “Um, what?”
Apparently, the fact that we don’t yet own a home is weird.
ETA: at no point, during this conversation or prior conversations, did we indicate that we’re house hunting (b/c we aren’t). The reaction to our engagement news made no sense.
SC
One of my good friends answers questions like, “When are you going to buy a home/have a baby/change jobs?” with “Not today.” It’s firm but polite, and she usually says it humorously the first time. I think it’s fantastic!
Anonymous
wow, this is awesome. I’m completely stealing it. Thanks for sharing!!
me too!
so glad this happens to someone else. We’re child – free renters and always will be, married 7+ years. I love “not today” as a response, and am also stealing, that is the bomb.
TBK
Why do you want to buy? If you like where you’re living, don’t need the extra space, but would triple your costs, why would you buy? If you’re thinking a house is an investment, I’d suggest you think again. Part of it can be, but a large part of it is still consumption (upkeep, maintenance, taxes). Why not take the extra you’d be spending on a house and put it into an index fund or something instead? Buying a house as an investment is taking a lot of money and investing it in one completely undiversified totally illiquid investment. Thinking everyone “needs” to buy a house, and that money put into real estate is always a great investment is a big part of what got us into the Great Recession.
Cautious Renter
Thanks for this, you have very clearly articulated the viewpoint of the part of me that is hesitatant to buy.
Our current living siuation is untenable for the long term. We got very lucky with this arrangement and it essentially doesn’t exist outside of the unit we are renting now. Our landlord has let us know that in the next year or two, it will no longer be an option. That’s why we are finally seriously thinking about next steps and it’s causing a lot of mixed emotions for both of us.
TBK
So rent somewhere else. Seriously this “you must own a house” thing is toxic. For some people, it makes sense. But it’s definitely not the right fit for everyone.
Marilla
Strongly agree. If you like your place, rents aren’t crazy, you don’t need more space (or foresee needing more space within 5 years or so), stay where you are and invest the money you’re saving. You will probably come out ahead financially and will be a lot less stressed out!
WestCoast Lawyer
Honestly, if you are happy where you are and don’t feel the need to own right now I would stay put. Keep in mind that if you are in a HCOL area, there’s a good chance prices are going up quickly. While I would not not necessarily use that as a reason to buy now, I would consider putting a good chunk of the money you would otherwise plan to spend on a mortgage in a savings or investment account, both so you can see if you are really comfortable spending that much every month, but also to put you in the best possible position if you decide to buy in a few years (and if you don’t, you’ll have saved a significant amount you can re-allocate to some other goal/vacation/whatever).
Sunflower
Houses.eat.money.
SC
Are there any options in your area to buy a rental property? We bought a triplex about three years ago. We live in a 1200 sq ft apartment (not particularly large in my LCOL city) and rent out the other two units. The rental income covers all of our expenses, we get some sweet tax deductions, and the money we would have paid in rent goes toward principal. There is some commitment and responsibility, but we also know that if we want to move and can’t sell just then, we can rent out our unit. For us, it’s the best of all worlds – smaller size, good neighborhood, expenses covered (we’re basically living there for free), and long-term flexibility.
Parfait
I am living in a tiny below-market shoebox of an apartment in a fantastic neighborhood in a HCOL area. I have serious housing envy, but our costs would double to rent something equivalent in size but nicer; triple to rent something larger and nicer; and if we were to BUY something actually nice, well…the math is not very compelling. I think the last time we calculated it for a nearby condo for sale, it would take us 327 years to break even on costs if we bought it?
And so, we continue to live in our tiny tiny apartment, waiting for the next real estate crash.
DCR
I decided to buy when I knew I was going to have to move. I was renting a coop from the owner, who was only permitted to rent it for three years. I started looking for a new apartment and realized my rent would likely go up by $300-500 for a comparable place when I moved. Since I had enough saved for a 20% down-payment, I decided to check out the housing market.
After considering both options, I decided to buy a townhouse. I did move from an established area to a improving one, but I love my new area. It gave me the benefits of a house without worrying about all the outdoors work. I moved from a one-bedroom coop to a two bedroom house and doubled my space. Including my condo fees, my monthly cost went up by about $750 from what I was paying before and probably about $300 more than I would have paid for a new apartment.
Although my housing costs went up slightly, I figured it was worth it to (1) lock in a fixed rate and (2) build home equality. As an added bonus, the value of my home has increased significantly since I purchased a year ago.
Alice
I’m looking for recommendations for secondhand furniture stores in the DC/NOVA area. Basically, I’m hoping to buy reasonably priced wood tables and dressers….TIA!
Anon
Craigslist
TBK
Eastern Market. Miss Pixie’s.
Alice
Yup, the thing about Craigslist is, we don’t have a car and rental car costs can add up when furniture is scattered all over the place, especially taking into account DC-area traffic. Plus, I like to see things in person before committing (unless it’s, like, furniture from IKEA so I know what I’m getting). I was hoping to go to one or two places with a larger inventory where I could perhaps find multiple pieces to buy at once.
Anon
Habitat for Humanity ReStore (I go to the Chantilly location.)
Also the big thrift store on Braddock Road (Salvation Army?) has a large showroom of secondhand furniture. It’s been a while since I’ve been there.
Pest
Eisenhower Consignment in Alexandria
shopping challenged
I have been amazed recently at what’s offered on the “Swap and Shop” FB pages for a couple parts of the metro region I live in. Is there anything like that for NoVa? It might be a pain to go see everything, but once you have deals lined up (you’ll probably have to pay people something in advance for them to hold things), you should be able to rent a vehicle and make all your pick-ups in one day. Of course, you could also ask sellers if they can help.
Simsi
I’m planning a vacation for around 8 people and need help with food. We’ll be flying in, so preparing food before hand isn’t an option. We will have a house with a kitche and the ability to get groceries. What would be 2-3 good meals we could prepare on-sight (likely without a slow cooker) that would be healthy and easy? We don’t want to be eating casseroles the whole time, and don’t mind a little bit of work. Help!
mascot
Will you have a grill? I’d grill at least one meal. I’ve also thought that a Blue Apron type service that includes all ingredients and seasonings would be cool to have on vacation, but timing the shipping could be tricky.
Anon
Where are you going (roughly)?
Simsi
I think we will have a grill, great idea. We’ll be going around Hilton Head, SC.
mascot
Check out the times for local farmer’s markets (HHI, Bluffton, Beaufort areas). Seafood should be easy to come by. Low country boil is good for a group.
shopping challenged
Pasta tossed with scallops or mussels–yum!
I love paella too, but that’s a bit more work.
Anonymous
You should be able to get fresh-caught seafood and find a farmstand. I’d do a simple shrimp boil (or grilled shrimp skewers) with corn and a tomato/onion/cucumber salad (or some other veggies if that is not your taste).
InfoGeek
Fajitas (chicken or beef). Easy to do on the grill. Everyone assembles their own. Low carb people can skip the tortillas.
Ham and pineapple skewers. Again, easy to do on the grill. Cut up ham steaks into chunks and alternate with chunks of pineapple on skewers. Grill until it’s all warm. (Don’t make them up too far ahead of time unless you microwave the pineapple because the acid will eat at the meat). Serve with rice.
Pesto chicken. Chicken breasts covered with pre-made pesto sauce. Bake until done (or almost done) — I usually cover the dish with aluminum foil, but that’s not required. Top with provolone and cook uncovered until cheese melts.
shopping challenged
Awesome ideas!
I like to have everyone make their own shishkabobs too. You could add bell peppers and cherry tomatoes to the spread for ham and pineapple skewers, and let everyone make exactly what they want.
SC
+1 to fajitas (or tacos).
Roast or grill a beef tenderloin or whole pork loin.
anon
Tacos, curry, bbq chicken sandwiches (cook chicken then shred and toss with BBQ sauce), pasta bar (cook a couple different kinds of pasta and sauces–either jarred or homemade and everyone can pick what to assemble. Have different toppings–sausage, chicken, cheeses, etc.)
Lorelai Gilmore
If you have a Costco membership, the Kirkland Signature lasagnas are great and feed a group. Pair with a big salad.
Hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill with potato salad
Barbecued chicken, corn on the cob, and a big green salad
A giant salmon filet, grilled, with rice pilaf and green beans
Grilled fresh fish (something white) with salsa verde, roasted potatoes, and green beans, http://www.dinneralovestory.com/mr-all-around/
Yogurt marinated chicken or shrimp skewers with a fresh, clean slaw, http://www.dinneralovestory.com/choose-your-own-adventure-yogurt-marinades/
Greek night: grilled lamb or chicken skewers, a greek-style salad with lettuce, chickpeas, feta, tomatoes, red onions, and kalamata olives, and pita bread/hummus and a good yogurt dipping sauce. (I could eat this meal every night.)
GRE Time
Any advice for supporting my partner as she goes into her last weeks of GRE studying? She got a late start on studying and although she’s doing a study program and working diligently, she’s really panicked about it. It’s been 10 years since I had to take the LSAT and it’s a blur. Wondering what I can say/do to be supportive and helpful.
A
Tell her to relax, the GRE is easy and she can retake it if she wants to. She could also probably call the testing center and reschedule the time, if she doesn’t feel ready yet. It’s not one of those big scheduled tests, you can take it whenever.
Anon
OMG, definitely know your audience though. If my SO told me to relax (or vice versa) when I was gearing up for a big exam/event/etc, I would NOT react well!!
Alice
+1.
A
Haha. That is true, I am probably pretty laid back. I think I walked in after taking the sample test online, took it, and that was that. Sometimes it does help to know though that if you screw up and do badly, it’s not that big of a deal. I don’t think there’s a penalty for retaking it, is there? I also find that, for me, if you build it up to some big thing when it doesn’t have to be, it makes everything worse.
shopping challenged
Many people prefer to have their feelings reflected back to them rather than being told not to have them. “Oh honey, you’re so stressed” in a slightly concerned tone while rubbing my shoulders would work for me!
And ask! Is making a snack a welcome break, or would she prefer her cheese, crackers, and favorite mustard appear at her desk, ready to nibble? Does having you get up with her feel supportive or cramped? What does she want?
Anonymous Poser
This exactly.
Baconpancakes
Practice tests, practice tests, practice tests. The formula they give you in the books (practice test, find the areas you’re weak in, study those, take quizzes on individual chapters, find out what you did wrong, practice test again) really, really works. There’s a reason those books sell so well. They work. If she’s following one, she’ll be fine. To be helpful, I’d suggest just being as non-distracting and supportive as you can. Tell her you’ll bring or send over dinner (don’t ask “can I bring you dinner?”, say “I’m going to send you dinner, do you want Pad Thai or pizza?” or whatever her preferred foods are), and if you’re the kind who can sit in the same room and study/read without distracting each other, spend some time with her working on whatever you have to do, and quiz her on vocab words, to give her a “break” in studying that keeps her brain active without taking time away from studying.
Other than that, tell her not to really worry as much as she currently is. I also got a late start studying, worried myself sick, ended up with a perfect verbal score and decent quantitative score that got me into my school of choice.
Alice
When I was studying for the bar my husband was amazingly supportive. Most important things he did:
1. Cooked, cleaned, etc.
2. Refrained from saying “you’ll be fine” when I panicked. Listened and gave hugs instead.
3. Probably know-your-partner, but at the end of the day I would lie on the bed studying and he would watch shows on his laptop with headphones in and massage my feet. It made studying so much more enjoyable, and it made it way easier to get through the last few hours of the day.
4. Offered to drive me to the test, picked me up for lunch, etc., so I didn’t have to think about logistics the day of (although I think the GRE is only a couple of hours, so maybe it doesn’t apply as much?).
Anonymous
I had to re-take the bar exam, my hubs, who had passed the 1st time, took another states so that he could study with me. It wasn’t the ONLY reason he took the 2nd bar, but it did make me feel good that he was in on it with me.
I also liked him to remind me that no matter the outcome, he’d love me, my family would love me, and everything would be all right as this is only 1 aspect of a large life.
Jax
Anyone have an opinion on what makes hair look dated now? I’m turning 35 and wondering if flat ironed straight hair is out since I see Taylor Swift wavy hair everywhere. Pinterest is overloading with “lobs” and beachy waves that look perfectly messy. I’m struggling to figure out if this is really a thing (and if it’s office appropriate) or what. I’m a bit terrified that my decade long flat iron habit is becoming today’s 80’s bangs!
Anonymous
I think excessively straight flat ironed hair is definitely out as a fashion trend, but doesn’t look at all dated on professional women in their 30s.
espresso bean
Agree that texture, beachy waves, and volume are more current than flat-ironed hair. You can also curl your hair with a flat iron (look on YouTube for tutorials) for more texture without even having to buy a new tool.
How long is your hair? FWIW, I am your age and have always had pretty long hair. Recently I wanted a change, so I took 3 inches off (it’s still past my shoulders, but it has more bounce now) and it feels more current but I still have the security of longer hair. A lot of the 20something at my office have gone shorter, like chin-length, between chin and collarbone, or collarbone. I think those cuts look great if you have the patience to style them, but they are definitely not wash-and-wear!
You could also experiment with dry shampoo at the roots to fluff up your usual look and build up texture. Good luck!
Anita
Bad news: super-straight, ironed hair has been out for years. Good news: the beachy waves which have been trendy for a while now look like are being replaced by straight locks in the fashion world. Which means that regular people will be sporting straight hair soon. Honestly, you’re probably fine, so long as you’re not modeling your hairstyle after Jennifer Aniston in the 90s or early aughts.
bridget
Maybe I’m completely clueless about trends, but anything that is really stand-out-ish tends to look dated. Big hair, super-flat-ironed hair, big bangs, etc. are really eye-catching. They look great when in style, but are then really eye-catchingly out of style later.
Straight-ish or wavy-ish hair might never be super-trendy, but they will always look good.
Home Maintenance Horror stories
We moved into our house ~2 months ago and have just been shelling out ever since. We had a bunch of work done (at the seller’s expense) prior to moving in, but we are finding more as we settle in. I am assuming this is just part of growing up, and the risk we knew we were taking when we bought a house that had been lived in by the same couple for 30+ years. If the wounds are no longer fresh, I’d love to hear others’ stories of home maintenance issues– we can’t be the only ones to walk downstairs to get the furnace vent/chimney inspected and find a puddle of water from a leaking boiler AND you need a new chimey liner. Ugh!
Anonymous
Yeah, this is a thing. Usually right after you buy the house and are suffering buyers’ remorse! Best advice I can give is that you plan for and set aside a decent chunk of change each year for these expenses – I’ve seen anywhere from 1-5% of your house’s value (not necessarily the land’s) each year. That way, when you are spending this money, it’s earmarked. In my head when we first bought, I assumed maintenance would be neatly spread out over time. It’s not.
Anonymous
Ugh, our home from the 1840’s is basically a super charming money pit. We’ve had to re-do part of the foundation that a previous owner hacked away at, add support columns, replace the lower and upper roofs, and install about 30-odd custom windows as our old wavy single paned glass windows made the house insanely cold. Plus all the usual home maintenance (a/c unit, new paint, etc.). And the beauty (horror) of an old house is anytime we need to replace anything its basically custom as there were no building codes back then. Redoing a hall bath turned into having to replace multiple support columns, sub-flooring, and replacing a section of roofing before we even got to the interior stuff. Siiiiiigggghhhh. We are either never moving, or fobbing a master bath reno off on new owners.
lsw
Seconded. I love/hate my 1914 home. Mostly love. But oh the dollars I’ve spent…….
Walnut
My 1920’s home was the recipient of entirely new plumbings on day three of ownership. The fact that we knew it had “low water pressure” (and were compensated accordingly at closing) didn’t ease the pain of writing the check to fix it.
Let’s not discuss the value we have estimated on all of the future work that needs to be done, such as drainage issues, new water lines from the street, likely new sewer lines, my basement drain that was filled with concrete (seriously, who the eff fills a drain with concrete??), the older than old furnace and a/c, knob and tube electrical…
But…the shell of the house sure is pretty, my exterior brick walls insulate like a dream and my original pine floors are stunning.
Eliza
We also have an 1840s house, but it’s on a small farm. Oh the work, the expense, the time. We joke that our house is a hobby as well as a home. But I wouldn’t trade the wavy glass original windows, heart pine flooring, and hand hewn beams for anything.
CountC
I love my 1906 row house, but a few months after I moved in, the clay sewer pipe leading from my house to the city sewer collapsed and flooedg my basement with sewage. $2500 later, I got a new sewage pipe and a brand new cement basement floor. But I do love my original hardwoods and exposed brick!!
padi
Yes. The memories.
I bought a house knowing it was flipped on the cheap and would be needing alot of updating but I thought that, aside from the plumbing, the bones were good.
1. There was no insulation over the kitchen. None. And none could be added because the flipper used the slightly cheaper cans that were not fire-rated for being in insulated ceilings–a $20 savings for the flipper, a cold kitchen and $400 fix for me.
2. The sewer flooded the master bed and master bath twice in two months and required lateral line repair.
3. The flipper had had to do some foundation work for the house to be sellable. He decided to put a 3 foot thick cement pad over the entire backyard too. It was cheaper than installing the correct drainage (I know because I did pay for the correct drainage).
4. Roof leak.
5. Stove top was bent and could not be leveled. It was like a 500lb person had sat on it, right in the middle. Sauteing and panfrying was impossible to do well on that stove. Good thing I don’t really like to cook.
It is frustrating but it is worth it at the end of it. My needs changed, and I ended up selling the house after 4 years. I like to think that I didn’t leave any major surprises for the new owners, but I am sure there were things I ignored, overlooked, or forgot about.
BB
So…if I’m buying into a big (albeit 30 year old) condo building…I won’t be as much at risk of this happening, right? Right? :) I’m looking to buy right now and these kind of massive maintenance scenarios freak me out!
padi
Nope. I just bought a condo, it is so easy! I changed the furnace filter, lint trap, and water filter and I was set. If you are buying into a large condo, check the financials and reserves. My condo has a 50-year plan for updating, repairing, and replacing everything on a schedule. Check the reserves to make sure that the association is “on track” saving money for those things, and that there is adequate insurance in place. I have some money earmarked for special assessments just in case.
Cat
Not to that scale – but read the condo docs before you buy to see what is the building’s responsibility vs. yours! Then inquire about how special assessments are handled (and look at the past history). For example, over the course of 10 years, our building has imposed 3 special assessments – one for upgrading dated first floor/lobby, one for elevator motors replacing, and one that was hefty for replacing 50-year-old plumbing.
Kelly
Do SO much research on the state of the building and maintenance there…because while you won’t be having these house-specific issues, you can certainly run into massive cash outlays from assessments. Windows that give up after 25 years, leaky lines that run throughout the building, sewer tie-ins/maintenance…you can be on the hook for that too.
Scarlett
I’d be so careful with condos – the issue there is that you can only fix so much yourself & many times a proper fix includes the HOA and you can’t “make” them do it, or a fix to someone else’s unit results in a special assessment and those can be wildly expensive and controversial because not everyone plans for them (those who don’t anticipate them object to the work and the payout so you could end up with a problem in your unit that you can never really fix). I would never purchase a condo again, especially an older one.
cbackson
Five lightbulbs burned out in the week after I moved in. It was like they knew. HOW DID THEY KNOW?
Anonymous
One of our ceiling fans was held up by one screw (obviously unknown to us). When that screw failed, several hundred pounds of plaster ceiling collapsed on the second floor of our house, sending mildly “asbestic” dust all over the house. Good times.
Blonde Lawyer
We have a ceiling fan over our bed. Might need to get that inspected. It’s a vaulted ceiling so not something we can easily check ourselves.
A boatload of surprises
So much stuff, more in this house than our two priors. Fixing lawn sprinkler system (not evaluated by inspector), w/d not working well (not evaluated by inspector), sink backing up when the washer drained (ditto) … after a few years we had the drain auguered out just hoping and it worked! should have done that right away. New roof, terribly leaking sliding glass doors, front door totally hollow and dried out. Chimney “works” but is so old and the masonry is sagging (again, not disclosed nor evaluated by chimney sweep) we just don’t use it. Plumbing starting to rust (galvanized does that over time). So many trees in wires and in patios that patios lifted up (couldnt see for all of the foliage on the ground, walls, trees, air). Layers upon layers of rock and landscape fabric in flower beds so that no digging is possible at all. No way to dig it all out. Massive roots from bushes all around the pool deck (had to dig those out). Their remodeling reduced the size of the opening for the fridge to one that no modern can fit … had to remodel to put even a smallish side/side fridge in. Carpeting nailed onto nice stone flooring (didn’t know it existed). Wood flooring glued down to other areas of the nice stone flooring (no way to remove it). Wallpaper cemented onto to wood paneling (did not know it existed). No insulation of a functional nature, although it is visible in the attic. On and on. Good thing we like the house and are handy people. We got the original architect plans at closing/settlment; that would have told us about alot of these things and we could have asked questions… hindsight. We learn things to ask every time we buy.
OP
Thank you for all these comments. It does help. This is our second house but our first house was. Starter house that turned over every 5-7 years so I think the big ticket issues were largely caught with each sale. We have money set aside for work, and bought under our max knowing this house would need upkeep- it just feels like the previous owners slapped some duct tape on and it’s all falling off at once. They were meticulous about maintenance (and have records to prove it), so between that and the stories above it just sounds like random bad timing. We lived in our (older!) last house 6 years and had no major issues…but I bet it was only a matter of time
Meg Murry
Previous owners had the gas turned off before we could get it in our names, so our first weekend we had no hot water (or heat, but summer so it was OK). Then when gas company came to hook back up the gas, the water heater wouldn’t re-light, and the gas company declared the boiler to be emitting too much carbon monoxide and therefore not able to be hooked up until we fixed or replaced it.
We new they were both on their last legs and had budgeted to replace them in the first year or two – but not $10,000 in replacements in the first week!
AnonAunt
I think I need some perspective on something, am I being oversensitive?
My sister is having a baby soon, first baby in our family (and I will probably not have any at this point, so pretty big deal). I live on the opposite coast, sister and my parents live in the same neighborhood.
I flew out for the baby shower, which was the only time I’ve really had to hang out with her during pregnancy/in pre-baby mode. She definitely made sure to mention she wants me to come ‘meet the baby’ when I can, but it was really hard to get a straight answer out of her about whether I should try to be there *for* the birth, or later. Finally got an answer this weekend, she has told my parents she doesn’t really want anyone at the hospital, just her and husband, no family. And we get the impression she doesn’t want people at their house at all for the first couple of weeks, so my mom is suggesting I wait until 4/5 weeks or so to fly out for a few days visit.
My sister has some control issues, and has always kind of wanted to do things herself. I wasn’t even really part of doing anything for her wedding. But I am feeling slightly hurt (and sorry for myself) that I’m not going to be there to meet the baby on it’s first day in the world, and am going to get the same Pictures on Facebook Announcement as the rest of the world.
Did any of you have family at the hospital or at least at home to meet the baby on Day 1? Or did you also not really want to deal with people being all in the way? Is it just as big of a deal to meet baby on Week 4? Or am I really missing out on something big by not being there right at the beginning?
I am sure this is also tied up with feeling like I’m not really a big priority for my sister in general, and not being super happy with my own life, and guilt at living so far away, so I’d appreciate a smack upside the head of reality if I’m being dumb and overreacting. Thanks!
HSAL
I think you’re overreacting. You can be bummed to not meet the baby earlier, but it’s not a competition. You can always ask that you find out before they do a Facebook announcement. I think that’s totally reasonable for family.
InfoGeek
We wanted no one with us at the hospital. I think my parents met my daughter on day 2 and my mom spent the first week with us, helping out.
The way my parents tell the story, when I was born my grandmother came to visit and spoiled me to death and I had to be rocked to sleep from then on. So, when my brother was born, they did it all themselves and didn’t have anyone stay.
Baconpancakes
Babies are pretty ugly when they’re born, and can’t interact with anyone other than to nurse. You’re not missing out on anything, and this is one of those situations where it’s really not about you. It’s seriously not about you. Weddings are kind of mostly about friends and family. This is about your sister, her husband, and her baby.
But if you do want to feel connected, when your parents go see the baby in the first couple of days, could you facetime with them? That way you get to “see” the baby, make that bonding connection with your family, but stay out of your sister’s way and let her sleep/try to sleep/teach herself and her baby to nurse/recover from pushing a watermelon out of herself.
Eliza
+1
Anonymous
I think lots of people aren’t into the first day thing. It’s another layer of stress to be coordinating with visitors and babies are unpredictable- you could easily fly in for a week and still miss it. And the first couple of weeks are the same- maybe everything is smooth and visitors are fine. But maybe the baby is late, and nursing is hard, and sleeping isn’t happening and you’re just not ready for the pressure of knowing someone has flown across the country to meet your baby when you’re barely functioning. I think 4-5 weeks post due date sounds pretty reasonable.
AnonAunt
Yeah, exactly, I know the stress and pressure is mostly what my sister is worried about, which I kind of feel bad about because I don’t want her to worry about me. So, it’s an endless cycle basically ;).
Jules
I did not want ANYONE in the hospital but H. (Might have been different if my mother lived close, I don’t know.) I think my in-laws, who lived a mile from the hospital, came the first evening for about 30 minutes (baby arrived at 6 p.m.) and my father who lived an hour away was driving through on the way home from a meeting and we couldn’t say no so he also came by and stayed an hour. The day was exhausting and stressful and we didn’t really want any visitors. (20 years later, soon-to-be-ex still makes only half-joking remarks about how annoying it was that my father was there at 9 pm.)
The first days and weeks with a new baby are hard, and I totally understand not wanting people around. Even if your sister has “control” issues, this is the kind of thing that a new mom is entitled to want to control. Some new parents will want lots of family present at and after the birth, especially if they’re going to help with actual work like cooking and laundry, but many don’t. It’s not personal if they don’t want you to come out for a few weeks.
And just because you won’t be there on day 1 doesn’t mean you have to get the same facebook announcement as everyone. Let your sister and your mom know that the birth is important to you and have them keep you posted during that day and text you photos. And the baby will be much cuter at 4 weeks than 4 hours, trust me.
AnonAunt
And I didn’t mean ‘control issues’ as a judgment, it’s just the way she is and I get that, it’s totally okay. I just worry about her sometimes because I think she stresses herself out.
But yeah, thanks for sharing your feelings, it helps hearing that it’s not just that she doesn’t like me. That lots of people feel the same way.
I like the idea of asking for a video chat/texting, etc, but I am a little hesitant, because I feel like I’m going to sound like I’m being demanding and putting some pressure on her. She’s never been great about staying in touch with me (phone, text, anything) even when there’s not a super stressful birth of a baby happening. I guess I’ll try to just let all of this go, and just accept that I’ll get the level of communication she wants from her and that’s just all there is to it.
Anon
Stop making it about you. She has to give birth to a baby, I sure hope she has control over who can be in the room! I’m sure you are very excited and it is sweet and wonderful that this baby will be so loved, but you’re being a little overbearing and the issues seem like yours, not hers. I would call what you see as control issues as practicality. Even if that was something she would want you there for (it’s probably a lot more boring that you think it will be, you will probably see a sleeping or crying baby and a sleeping/recovering sister), it’s too hard to schedule a flight in the right time window. You would be hanging out at the hotel/your mom’s place/wherever you are staying instead for most of the time, probably. What your mom is suggesting is a good plan. If you want that much control over anything (a wedding, a baby) you pretty much have to have our own and even then it doesn’t always work out.
AnonAunt
I’m really not making it about me, not to any of them, just feeling these things in my own head. I haven’t said a word about any of this to her or my parents, have only been asking what she wants me to do. And I do totally get it is a huge deal for her. I guess I was a little surprised when the ‘no one at the hospital’ decision finally got made, because I thought that was kind of standard for immediate family, but I realized that was probably outdated, so I wanted to ask around.
Anonymous
As far as I can tell, there’s no standard practice about who goes to the hospital and who doesn’t… it’s really a personal thing.
krb
Also, most hospitals have limits on the number of people you can have in there with you. They told me 3 people max, I had my ex-husband, his mother, and my mother. Other in-town family members were waiting somewhere outside the hospital and didn’t even get to see my daughter until the next day anyway. My parents were there to help the first week, and that was super helpful, but we weren’t up to doing much of anything but surviving for at least the first month.
Due in December
You are allowed to feel your feelings, and I think that it would be really helpful for your sister to give you an idea of when she’d want you to visit (though it’s possible she isn’t sure, as she doesn’t know yet how high-maintenance her baby will be, how stressed she will be, etc.)
As a sister who is going to be giving birth on the other side of the country from my family (and my DH’s family), I can offer my thoughts as I’m contemplating who will be there:
1. While 1 or 2 family members might be fine in the overwhelming/stressful period during and after the birth, I am deathly afraid of the circus that would ensure if it was my mom, my dad (divorced), DH’s mom and dad, and my two sisters. Too many people, too many personalities.
2. To avoid hurt feelings, who to have around? We have one guest room and a small place overall. My mom is my mom, but we’ve had serious tensions the last couple of years and I don’t know if I want her at the birth. But she’d be incredibly hurt if I had one or both of my sisters instead of her. Really get along well with in-laws, and this will be their first grandchild (DH is an only child). But again, can’t have DH’s family instead of my mom.
3. I personally like the idea of having family at different times so that each visitor can be the most helpful (hopefully!) and can spend the maximum amount of quality time with the baby and me and DH. And I’m hoping that I’ll have things a little more figured out (and not be in triage mode anymore) a couple of weeks in. Plus, DH only gets 2 weeks of paternity leave, so I’m most anxious to have visitors when I’m on my own for the first time.
AnonAunt
yeah, especially point 3 makes sense, I just remembered her husband is also only taking 2 weeks of paternity leave, so I can probably actually be more helpful later anyway. Thanks for that reminder.
And thanks for sharing everything else, the reality checks are really helping!
And I wish she would be more direct about what she wants, but I think she’s worried about hurting people’s feelings, too, so communication is a little hard.
mascot
Week 4 will be a good time to visit, especially if you are willing to help her out. The initial adrenaline and visitors will have tapered off. She will probably have a better grasp of feeding and sleeping cycles. That was the time that I was starting to feel better and going a little stir crazy and could have used some adult company while I watched bad daytime tv. Or, someone that could watch the baby so that I could run to the grocery store alone for 30 minutes. Even having a second set of hands for going out and about with baby is a nice thing.
L
I went to the hospital when my niece was born and let me tell you, other than bringing food for the entire herd of people, I was just in the way. The relatively little I know about childbirth is it is exhausting and the first few weeks are hard. Having a ton of people over when all you and baby want to do is sleep is disruptive.
Be a good aunt/sister/friend and go when it’s comfortable for them. Bring snacks. Offer to stay at a hotel. You’ll have decades to be involved in the kid’s life, a few weeks isn’t going to matter much in the grand scheme of things.
AnonAunt
“You’ll have decades to be involved in the kid’s life, a few weeks isn’t going to matter much in the grand scheme of things.”
This is a helpful reminder, thank you. I do have a tendency to obsess about Right.Now. and have a hard time thinking in the long term.
shopping challenged
My family came sometime in the first couple weeks. I don’t even remember when, but I love those pix and memories. When he was a year, I remember being surprised that the parent of a 9 year old had comments on parenting–our kids seemed like different beings to me then. Now that mine’s 12, I can just confirm that kiddo will indeed be around for the long haul, probably the rest of your life and beyond. Wishing the best to all of you!
bridget
I would be sickened if someone (medical personnel and the baby’s father excepted) thought they had ANY right to be in the hospital room. It’s HER BODY, and many months of pregnancy later, she’s probably really tired of feeling like she’s public property because she’s pregnant.
Besides, how on earth does it work to fly out for the birth? What’s supposed to happen – she calls you while in labour, after calling her husband and before talking to the doctors, so that you can book a same-day plane ticket and get out there?
Seriously, WHAT?
Anon
I read “be there for the birth” as at the hospital, not in the L&D room, but maybe I’m wrong.
Also, that’s exactly what we did with our parents. “Hi, Anon is in labor! We’re still at home but wanted to give you the heads up.” They headed to their respective airports.
bridget
Maybe she wants to recover from having her ladyparts ripped open and then stitched back together in peace. Maybe she wants to breastfeed for the first time without someone making chatter next to her. Maybe she’s worried that she’ll need a C-section. Maybe she doesn’t want people shoving a camera in her face when she hasn’t slept in 70 hours, hasn’t showered, and is in intense pain. Maybe she’s scared of childbirth and just wants to go through it in relative peace. Maybe she’s just an introvert and having extra people around, no matter how much she loves them, is added stress.
Bottom line: childbirth is not a spectator sport for everyone. Maybe the OP ought to start validating her SISTER’S feelings.
anon
Calm down. Yeah, people pack suit cases and get same day tickets. It’s not that unheard of. Lady in my office is doing that right now in anticipation of the birth of a grandson. It’s really easy to send a text or have someone do it. Literally 5 seconds.
Yeah, childbirth is difficult and intensely personal. I don’t read OP’s post as any sort of judgment on her sister’s desire to have her come later.
Anon
Please take a breath. Are you perhaps projecting a bad experience you had?
TBK
Oh don’t be mean. She’s not claiming she has a right. She’s just expressing the feelings she’s having and questioning whether they’re valid. That’s what you should do with feelings. It’s not an isolated thing. She says she’s feeling less important to her sister. I get that.
OP, I think you’ve gotten good advice. Mostly it’s just hard to know if you’ve never had a baby before what you’re going to want once the baby shows up. Lots of help? Peace and quiet? I erred on the side of extra help — TWINS!! — and was so much happier once everyone packed up and left when the babies were a month old. If you go when the baby is 4-5 weeks old, your sister will have gotten into something of a groove (not perfect, but not putting diapers on backward anymore) and will be better able to visit with you, show you the best way to snuggle the baby, and might be up for outings.
AnonAunt
Thanks, TBK
Anon
I am sure your sister has her reasons. I would feel incredibly lucky to have a sister who would shell out money and take time to be there to be part of my baby’s first day of life. I would not be comfortable if she wanted to be in the birthing room though.
AnonAunt
Aww,that is sweet, thanks, it means a lot to hear that.
KC
I’ve had both sides of this. My blood sister did not want any family there for her first baby for the first few weeks, and didn’t want her siblings there for the first 2 months. In my opinion, it was insanely selfish since it was the first grandchild on both sides of their family and the first neice/nephew. She wanted to make sure her and her husband could establish their routine as parents before getting other people’s opinions involved. Well, after a week she was asking for help from both sets of grandparents. For her second baby, she totally lightened up and didn’t care.
My DH’s sister has always had us there the day the baby was born. Not always waiting at the hospital, but visiting right after. She wanted (nuclear) family around and was accepting for extended family after 1-2 weeks.
Your feelings are your own and you are allowed to feel them. You don’t need to be there during day 1, but personally I like to be there the first week or two because newborns change SO much SO quickly. But, when booking plane tickets keep in mind that first babies can come late. My one nephew was born 2 weeks late so we all had to change our plane tickets. So maybe book at the 2-3 week mark?
Pest
I just had a baby 7 months ago and I will just add that there are a lot of fears and unknowns leading up to childbirth, especially if it is the mother’s first baby. If your sister is like I was, she is mentally preparing for the worst (complications for mother and baby, long hospital stays) and wants to ensure in the best case scenario there is time to get her feet on the ground and to figure out how to care for the newborn. Just be supportive and tell her you can’t wait to find out about the birth and meet the baby and will go along with whatever she wants. The odds are very good that once the baby is born healthy and she is recovering quickly she will want to see you way earlier than she had said she did before. New moms really appreciate their family being excited to see their new babies.
AnonAunt
You’re right, I’m sure she is thinking the same way you were. Thanks!
Pest
I have another point about emotions toward the end of pregnancy. This may not be true for everyone but was very true for me. Contemplating caring for a newborn who is completely helpless and depends for their very survival can make you lose all patience for the so-called “needs” of the adults around you.
AnonAunt
I completely get that 1000%.
AnonAunt
I’m keeping all of this to myself, I won’t put any ‘needs’ on her at all. I’m just having Feels.
anon
I didn’t want anyone except my husband there for the actual birth. My family all lives in town, so some of them visited us in the hospital or for quick visits once we were home. I did not want anyone staying with us. Newborn babies do change a lot in the first couple of weeks, but they only get more fun as time goes on! The first few days, you are lucky to catch a glimpse of their eyes open. By four weeks you might even see a little smile! Your sister might be a little more relaxed as feeding issues will probably have been figured out by then, etc. I think it is great you want to go visit and would try to find the bright side in waiting a few weeks. Also, this is a relationship (both a new way to interact with your sister and for you as an aunt) that you will be building for years to come, so if the initial meeting is at a couple weeks instead of day 1, that is not going to affect anything in the long run.
anonymama
I had pretty much everyone and their brother at the hospital during labor/delivery of my first, and I am totally one of those people who usually wants everyone there for everything, but I have to say I sympathize with your sister. Really, the baby mostly sleeps those first few days especially, and your sister will be all awkward ice packs and trying to navigate tiny new baby and breastfeeding and painfully trying to get to the bathroom, and I feel for her wanting to try to figure out her own relationship with the baby, and her husband’s, and theirs with each other as parents, before having to balance someone else in there, especially if she’s a conscientious pleaser type and would have a hard time setting boundaries if people are right there. And there is a vast area in between visiting in the hospital/being there when baby is born and finding out on facebook. (e.g., getting text/email updates while in labor, getting pictures/report on first day, etc.) most people don’t announce on facebook until at least a day or two later, as they want to give details to immediate friends/relatives beforehand. I think you should give her all the love and support for whatever she wants, but also let her partner know that you are so excited, and would love to be included if they send updates when baby comes.
shopping challenged
Have you had friends have babies when you’re around? Childbirth is a big deal itself, and is built up to be an even bigger deal in the US. Besides preggo hormones, she’s dealing with tons of different messages about what she ought to do and what she ought to want. There are also lots of different physical possibilities–nursing was a breeze for us, but then we had to go back to the hospital for 2 nights because my kid had a medical issue. No one knows what’s going to happen. Since she couldn’t even say what she wanted at first, you might want to just say straight-up “I’d love to be there when you first come home; is that OK with you?” But otoh, babies can be born anywhere within a 4 week window and still be “on time”, so you might have a very expensive plane ticket if you try to hit the date on the nose.
This baby will be around a long time, so you might want to think about something you can set up to be an “auntie you” thing. I know someone whose aunt always sent frogs, or frog stickers, or frog wrapping paper, or frog tattoos, for birthdays, Christmas, and just-because. She stopped when he was 10 or 12, but he’s nearing 30 now and still thinks of her when he sees frogs. Less whimsical/quirky/weird would be a savings account, but you might want to find some way to make that a little more personal, so it can build a connection between you and the kiddo.
AnonAunt
Yes, with my closest friend I waited until I heard from her that she was ready for me to visit, and that was well into the second month. But she did have her immediate family fly in right when she went into labor, which is probably where my assumptions came from.
But, I can get used to the idea that I just get to be as close as my sister wants and I’ll let her take the lead. I do worry about being the only member (of both families) that is so far away, but I guess it is what it is.
Anon
I didn’t want my family around for the first couple of months. My mum was the exception to this rule.
Anonymous
I think you’re overreacting on the “first day” stuff. Maybe she can do a little video chat so you get something more than the FB announcement pictures?
stc
I did not want family at the hospital right away. I was okay with seeing them the next day, but I didn’t want them staying with me. This is not about you, this is about her and her comfort. Please defer and don’t take offense.
Baconpancakes
Ladies, I just started an intensive, full-time graduate school program, and I’m having a hard time adjusting! With classes and projects, we’re averaging 16 hour days for the next month, and between the sudden loss of freedom to manage my own time (or even go to the bathroom without asking) and feeling like a dunce without the industry-specific background most of my classmates seem to have, I’m almost ready to cry. Also don’t have time to check/post here often! More sadness! Any words of encouragement/perspective or internet hugs?
Ice Cube
You can do it, put your back into it!
lsw
Lollllll!
Internet hugs, you’ll do awesome!
TO Lawyer
This is hilarious.
On a more helpful note, it sounds like this is a huge adjustment! You can do it though. Do you get weekends off? Can you spend the weekends recovering? Would it help if you read some industry-specific stuff to get up to speed? If so, I’d spend maybe a couple hours.
For now, can you outsource anything? Cooking, cleaning, laundry? It sounds like you should be in survival mode with 16-hour days.
Good luck! You can do it!!
Baconpancakes
Thanks for the encouragement!
Unfortunately, Saturdays are fully scheduled, and Sundays are “reading days” for the 200+ pages of material we have a week, finishing up projects, and writing a formatted, printer-ready log of what we did that week. As far as outsourcing, I’m buying food out, which is really starting to hurt my newly-grad-school-pittance budget, but there’s no full-service laundry facilities here. (Small town). It’s getting to be a bit of a problem, since we’re outside in the sun at least part of each day, so I can’t rewear my smelly clothes. Also, I’m down to three pairs of underwear, since I moved, then immediately started school. I guess I’ll just go commando on Saturday?
We’re a week into the program and I’m already close to burnout. Yesterday was a 20-hour day.
Meg Murry
Amazon Prime a pack of basic underwear. Will be there by Friday. Do you have a kitchen and fridge? Hit a grocery store Sunday and buy a week of prepared food and frozen food – that’s at least slightly healthier (or equally bad) as eating out, and somewhat cheaper. In college I resorted to protein bars and canned SlimFast as “just keep me going so I don’t have to leave the computer lab for food” meals – because sometimes sleeping on the floor for an extra 15 minutes is worth more than real food.
You can do this. And chances are, at least half of the other people are as exhausted and freaked out as you are, even if they don’t look it/act it.
Other shortcuts: dry shampoo and baby wipe showers. Take 15 minute naps whenever/ whenever you can – set your phone alarm to ring an vibrate to wake you, then shove the phone in your bra so you cant miss the vibrating alarm. Use Google voice to dictate with your eye closed when you just can’t look at a screen and type any more. If you wear contacts, don’t sleep in them for days on end, no matter how tempting.
Use Google calendars to set alarms for stupid things you never think you would forget, because you will lose track of what day it is. Take a multi-vitamin. Resist the urge to over-sugar/over-caffinate – try ice water as a “keep awake’ beverage.
If you are working in pairs or groups, find something you are good at, so you can partner with someone with the opposite strengths.
Good luck and just keep swimming!
I have multiple graduate degrees
baconpancakes. darling. You are just making too much of a big deal of this. 20 hour days? In grad school? It seriously. does not. matter. that much. Take a load off, wash your underthings, have a brewski. you’ll get a B+ and the world will keep turning. I speak from my law school experience. You will be fine.
Pay other people to make your food and do your laundry, but take the time to sleep and exercise.
Anon
I want this on a coffee mug.
Clementine
YOU CAN DO THIS. Every day you are one day closer to your goal!
Think about all the challenges in your life you’ve had to face. You’ve lived through every one so far. This will be the same.
Anonymous
When they work together Bacon and Pancakes CAN DO ANYTHING! I believe in you!
Anonymous
This is great! You’ve got this! My words of encouragement are take at least 1 hour to pamper yourself once a week. You really need recharge time.
What sort of grad program are you into (if you feel comfortable sharing)?
Anonymous
I recently started working full time, and feel kinda burned out right now and can’t focus at all. Any ideas on how to come to work refreshed and refocursed tomorrow?
Walnut
All of my days start better when I allow myself to wake up slowly with a cup of coffee. Program the coffee to start early tomorrow, wake up slowly and mentally prepare for the day. Create a list of things you want to do that day (or learn, if you’re still really early in the process). Take time to get in a walk over lunch to charge your batteries mid-day.