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Here's kind of an amorphous topic for today: When you look back over your life, what are the big periods or phases you've experienced? I read an article a while ago (I'm SO annoyed I can't find it) that theorized that most people enter a new phase of life every 7 years. (Or maybe that there were 12 total phases that everyone entered in life? Hmn.) We discussed it in the parenting context last week at CorporetteMoms — I'm doing a lot of thinking about “how to reinvent myself as a mom” as we head into the golden years of parenting when the kids still like us but don't need 100% supervision on nights and weekends — but this idea of phases/cycles is so true in general with life.
For my own $.02, my big phases of life have been:
- (all the K-12 phases)
- College and law school – focused on school, learning, big philosophical questions about “who I'll be,” lots of very, very, very close friendships
- Post-college, pre-grad school — Baby phase since I was only out for about two years between undergrad/grad, but one that made an impact! Lots of “whoa” moments with adulting-type things, money, cooking, etc.
- Post-law school and early marriage (I'd say 25-34 or so!) — focused on my career and dating, a few close friendships, figuring out lifestyle questions like fitting exercise into life
- Early parenting – This phase was absolutely dominated by the kids and babies and being pregnant — but friendships changed so much around this time too because many of my friends were having kids and becoming less available for non-family things. I've always been close with my family, but in general I saw a huge resurgence of family in my friends' lives around this time period. Because the kids needed so much supervision and energy, there really wasn't a lot of time for hobbies beyond sleep/exercise/cooking.
- (Now we're entering a new phase when the kids are Little People — some of the mom friends I made are falling away and I'm trying to reinvigorate older friendships — thinking about what hobbies I want for myself, how I want to define myself now.)
- (I can see how things will change hugely when we get to the Empty Nester phase, but my husband and I are still young(ish). I'm dreading the elder care issues that will probably be in full swing around this period, but maybe earlier.)
- (Retirement — maybe grandparenthood)
- (Declining health)
It's not a strict “7 years,” but you can see how there are definitely huge periods when you're on one path before a new path starts to come into view (or an old path disappears entirely).
In any event, I thought this would be an interesting topic to discuss, both because a) everyone's life phases are going to be a bit different (particularly if you don't have kids, or if grad school/new career came at a different place in your life, or if divorce/remarriage is part of your path) and b) we're all at different points along the path.
What life phases can you see if you look at your life? For those of you who've been through many phases and now have the benefit of hindsight, what do you wish you'd learned in each phase of life?
(Aside, of course, from the usual lessons one learns through life, like the importance of flossing and wearing sunscreen and not putting up with people who treat you less than you deserve.)
Stock photo via Stencil.
Ss
What a question…53, mother wife, psychologist. Broadly I have learned that all phases in life, in the big scheme of things, are really not very long. Childhood, adolescence, young motherhood…they pass quickly. I have learned that if you do the work on yourself and become strong, you can survive and thrive, even through very difficult and painful things. I wish I could have known that and been gentler and more compassionate with myself. And I wish I could have more easily believed that I would be well and strong and content. Now in midlife, I am, but it took a long time, as it often does…and that’s okay.
Anonymous
I’m coming to realize that a good friend actually isn’t a very good person (anymore?). She’s been very supportive of me over the years. I suppose I thought she was a bit self-centered but in a harmless sort of way. Lately I’ve noticed she’s become increasingly, sometimes shockingly, callous and condescending. I commented to DH about something she said the other day and he responded, well yeah she’s not a good person, as if that were obvious. It made me reflect that she’s not really the person I once knew. We were friends for years before I met DH so it was a little surprising to realize that he’s only known her not-awesome side. Has anyone else experienced this with a longtime friend? What did you do?
Anon
I was once very close with a woman who seemed to be a good person. Maybe she had been back then; maybe she was a good person at 19 but the same person at 35 is obnoxious. (In fact, I mentioned her here – she told me that my marriage was less important than hers because I married later in life. Thanks, woman for whom I was a bridesmaid….)
Honestly, kicking her to the curb felt good. I don’t mourn the friendship or anything; she had been making it clear for years that I wasn’t good enough for her, and I just… didn’t think she really thought that? Also, she’s pathologically unhappy, despite a life unmarred by any of the normal problems that befell people by 40 (unemployment, sickness, family illness, family dysfunction, hard time finding a spouse, infertility).
I learned the hard way to avoid people like that. It’s not an issue of not wanting to be there for someone who might have wonky brain chemistry or needs therapy to get perspective. Some people think misery is a normal state of affairs and are viscerally angry when I, despite having much more reason to be unhappy, can enjoy the hard-won parts of my life.
Anonymous
I can see most of these phases in my life. Now as I enter my 40’s and my kids are a little older and I feel more settled in my career, I feel like I am finally learning how to prioritize (or at least include on the list of priorities) my own well-being. For many, many years, I have always taken care of everyone else–my siblings, my mother both after my parent’s divorce and through her cancer treatment, and of course my children. But also my clients, my friends, extended family, etc. This has left me pretty burned out and now I know I need to learn to set boundaries with so many people and to learn that taking care of myself isn’t always selfish, but is necessary.