Thursday’s Workwear Report: Seamed Scuba Crepe Sheath Dress

281 Comments

1. I just went to the gyno and my pap was normal but there was HPV, she says nothing to do but make sure to get a yearly pap. I’ve read it’s really common but I’m still pretty bummed. I guess I need to tell my boyfriend but I don’t want him to think I blame him…he was tested for STDs before we gardened but I guess he had it and didn’t know. argh.

   1. There’s no test for men for HPV
      Most of the time your body will get deal with it – and in time (<1 yr) you won't have an irregular pap.

      1. Not OP but I thought there was a test that involves a swab in the pee hole and it is considered “invasive” so men don’t do it. Sounds a lot less invasive than a pap smear to me.

   2. There is no test for HPV in men. So it’s possible he did have it and didn’t know.

   3. They don’t even test men for this.

   4. This is sooooo common (or used to be until the vaccines), and it can be dormant and reactivate. It’s unsettling but don’t worry too much!

      1. Just to clarify since I’m vaccinated and I’ve had this happen too (prompting me to ask my doc “WTF, I got the vaccine??”)–similar to the flu vaccine, the HPV vaccine targets the most harmful strains that are most likely to cause cancer. There are many, many HPV strains that will continue to circulate, since it’s so incredibly common.

   5. Every woman in my close friend group has tested positive for HPV at some point in her life, myself included. I assume every man I sleep with has it. It’s so prevalent and nbd other than monitoring via pap as recommended by your doc.

      As has already been said, your bf could have had it. He wouldn’t have known and if he shames you in any way, that is unacceptable.

   6. Consider talking to your gyno about getting the HPV vaccine even at this stage if you don’t already have it… Mine recommended it in a similar situation.

   7. It’s extremely common, and, as others have pointed out, there’s no test for men. IME, men do not give a f* when you tell them. It’s very easy to transmit, and condoms aren’t 100% effective. Most people shed the infection within a few years. The thing to be concerned about is whether you have one of the high risk strains (your gyno’s office might have tested it) AND whether you have abnormal paps and/or your gyno becomes concerned that your cervical cells may show abnormalities.

      The issue with persistent HPV infection is the potential for cervical cancer. My advice is to be diligent about your paps and any colposcopies that are recommended. (Where your gyno takes a closer look at your cervix- generally only recommended when you have persistent HPV or a multiple abnormal paps). I get it, but don’t be bummed. There’s next to nothing you could have done (except get the vaccine) or do, except be diligent about your screening tests.

   8. It’s super common, I think the estimate was that 80% of people (pre-vaccine) would get it. It will go away – I think mine went away after a year or two.

   9. A reminder to us all why we should make sure our sons get the HPV vaccine. This vaccine has been revolutionary in field of cancer prevention. And when your sons get vaccinated, tell your friends you did it and encourage them to do the same for their kids.

      1. HPV can also cause oral cancers in men, more rational for male children to be vaccinated.

   10. I tested positive in my late 30s, after I had been married for years. It’s really NBD; I would have never known otherwise.

   11. You can be tested to see which strain of the virus you have. Some strains are more dangerous than others and more careful monitoring may be indicated.

       1. I think they only routinely test for “high risk” strains as part of the pap.

   12. Pretty much everyone has HPV, like 80% of the population gets it at some point. Keep on top of your paps, not much else to do.

2. Exposed zippers are a nope for me. Otherwise it is a great dress.

   1. +1, I was tempted to order this one but the bold zipper makes it less versatile and also feel kind of dated.

      1. I saw someone in a color blocked dress recently that felt dated. I feel like exposed zippers were a thing starting around then.

         1. Ha, and here I am drooling over Narciso Rodriguez dresses on the Real Real.

   2. Exposed zip and scuba fabric are both outdated and uncomfortable nopes for me.

      1. Concur. I never understood the appeal of scuba fabric; it’s ugly and uncomfortable.

         1. And it snags like crazy, unfortunately. I have a CK scuba dress, bought four years ago, and it looked pretty bad after only a few wears.

   3. I have a sleeveless Calvin Klein dress like this, and the exposed zipper goes below a standard blazer. I wear it far less often for that reason. I have an almost identical Calvin Klein dress with a normal zipper and I wear it much more often.

   4. Every single one of the CK dresses I see has one. Did they find a 90s storeroom somewhere?

      1. It must be cheaper to make that way

3. If you were going to be working in the office 1-2 days a week going forward how many work outfits would you want? I’m trying to rightsize my closet. I think 8-10 is maybe the right number??

   1. That seems like more than enough. I was going to say 5.

   2. I think so? I need to go shopping as I’m headed back to the office in September or October but don’t want to accumulate too much.

   3. 8-10 sounds like a lot; that gives you at least 4 or 5 weeks of outfits without repeating.

   4. Lol what? Like 3?

      1. With three, you are basically wearing the same outfit every time you are in the office and that becomes very noticeable. I’d say 6.

         1. No. One week you wear out fits a and b. Next week a and c. Next week b and a. Black dress. Blue dress. Purple dress. Add a dif necklace or scarf. Who cares if people notice.

            1. Really, people aren’t paying that much attention to you. I agree, who cares if someone sees me in the same outfit. If it looks good on me, it looks good.

         2. I’ve never understood this. I get (maybe) not wanting to wear the same thing several days in a row, so that nobody has reason to think that I don’t wash my clothes or whatever. If I want to wear the same outfit every Monday, if it’s appropriate for the work, what is the problem? Is this about being perceived as uninterested in fashion? Is it about flashing my material wealth by being able to afford more outfits than I actually need (or want to store in my closet)?
            Like if you see me wearing the same pair of pants every week on my one work-from the office day (the one pair that currently fits me and looks good), what judgy thoughts of yours am I exposing myself to?

            1. I just saw Cat’s comment below, so I am reframing my question. For those who stick to some rule of not noticeably repeating outfits: How much is this your personal preference (not wanting to be bored with outfits), and how much do you perceive this to be a General Rule that everyone should follow? And for the latter case, why?

            2. I agree. If I was tracking anyone’s repeated clothes items, I’d be too embarrassed about it to tell anyone anyway. Who cares?

            3. +1 to Monday. Even if I did track repeat clothes, which I don’t, I’d never admit it because that would make me look like a weird judgmental tool for no reason.

            4. So there’s one man in my office who wears a particular plaid shirt so often that people have openly speculated if he has multiples of it or if not how many times a week he’s at the cleaners. (In a good natured way but still.) Wouldn’t want my office reputation to be “oh here’s Cat in the navy and white sheath again” when keeping just a few more outfits on rotation is easy.

            5. I notice when people repeat clothes but I’m into clothes. I get bored and therefore have a gajillion clothes so I very rarely repeat. I don’t judge those who do, though.

            6. I probably wouldn’t notice if you wore the same pants every week, unless they were distinctive.

               I work with a woman who (in the winter) wears nearly the same thing every. single. time. I see her. To be honest, I am so very tired of these items of clothing and seeing her in them. But would I ever say anything? Never, ever. None of my business.

               Another woman I worked with had an “I’m doing terrible” outfit. I knew when I saw her in it to brace for her being in a bad mood, especially tired, not productive, etc. Did I ever say that I was onto her? Of course not.

            7. A woman who worked for me wore the same three blouses. They were all the same style, just different colors, and all in perfect “summer” colors. I assumed she’d bought them when she had her colors done. She wore everything with black pants.

               So yes I noticed but not in a negative way. As kind of a clothes horse myself, I just thought “good for her.”

   5. Do you live in a place with all 4 seasons? Will you have a driving commute or will you be on public transit? If it’s all 4 seasons and a public transit commute I can see 8-10 (or even higher) being reasonable – your things get dirtier from walking/being on trains and buses and you may need to dry clean after every 1-2 wears. When I had a walking/subway commute in NYC things got disgusting so quickly and I needed to wash/dry clean often (rain, slush, salt, etc.). You’ll also need winter/fall clothes, and then lighter outfits you won’t melt in for the late spring/summer months. If that’s the case for you I’d also suggest you aim for washable dresses/skirts/pants – my bottom layers always took the worst beating – and layer camis/tees under your blouses/sweaters to keep them nicer longer.
      If you’re driving to an office park and just going from car to office I’d say 5-6 max should be fine.

   6. That would be a month of no repeats. I’d aim for 5, or maybe 6 at the most. Especially if they were separates that could be mixed and combined differently. If they were distinctively patterned dresses, I would want 6.

   7. How often will you do laundry? I do laundry every 2 weeks, so I would need at least 4, and I would probably aim for around 8 to not get bored with repeating. Also, how often do the seasons change where you live? My summers are a lot longer than my winters, so I may have 10 summer blouses but only 6 sweaters.

   8. probably 6-8 needed, but I’d end up wearing more if I had lots of options already that wouldn’t be worn otherwise. If creating a new capsule wardrobe, I’d say 8 different outfits with some overlap of pieces (e.g., cardigan worn with dress is one, with pants is another).

   9. I’d say 6 per season?

   10. Depends on whether you get bored with your clothes! If you just want to have “no noticeable repeats” then a month’s worth of outfits per season sounds good. If you look at your clothes and think “didn’t I just wear that” even having 2 months’ worth per season is not a ton more when you’re only talking 10-16 days’ worth of outfits, repeating staple pieces like pants or a sheath while varying the top layer.

   11. Do you mean per season? I wouldn’t be wearing the same thing in July as I’d wear in February. I’d do basics that mix and match. Stick to one or two neutrals and make sure everything goes. So, say, for summer navy and beige pants or skirts. 4 or 5 tops and jackets/cardigans that go with them. And shoes that go with this capsule as well.

       Maybe in winter your neutrals are black and gray. So it’s the same idea but different, warmer fabrics in these colors or colors that work with them. Maybe your shoes are boots or booties.

   12. I think it depends on the whole “outfit.” I’m in the office 5 days a week. I have 3 sheath dresses that I love and probably wear 1-2 times each every 2 weeks–so, I’m wearing one of those 3 dresses roughly 40-50% of my time in the office. Other than that, I mostly mix and match the same 4 pairs of pants, 2 skirts, 5-7 blazers, and 15-20 shells. I don’t track specific combinations, but I may go several months without wearing the same exact 3 pieces together.

       I don’t think it’s weird to wear the same pieces over and over, obviously. But I think I would find it odd if someone wore the same exact pants + shirt + blazer every single time I saw them.

4. I love this dress! However – my already bis cas office has only gotten more casual over the last 1.5 years so there’s no need for a dress like this for me right now.

5. Gymnastics spoiler:

   1. Suni Lee!! Wow, what an awesome final. I’m really happy for her.

      1. Same she did so well and her lashes are amazing!

      2. I don’t even care that I found this spoiler. I love this for her.

      3. I’m so happy for her!!

      4. Thrilled for her. My favorite description of her performance was an article said “she flew around the uneven bars like a hummingbird”

   2. Sad Simone couldn’t be there, but it was great to see everyone else do such a fantastic job. Suni was amazing and this is a big deal for the Hmong community in Minnesota. She’s the first Hmong-American Olympian and now a gold medalist!

      1. Hmong food. Now I am so hungry. Sorry — Grand Torino sticks with me too much (and The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down).

         1. Yes, The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down is a great book! I also recommend The Late Homecomer and other books by Kao Kalia Yang, another Hmong Minnesotan, to anyone who wants to know more about the Hmong experience in the U.S.

            1. Thank you! I was just thinking about The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down and wondering if there were other books in the same vein. Also Gran Torino is a super movie, much as I loathe what Clint Eastwood has become.

   3. So happy for Suni. She always has been considered “the second best gymnast” in the USA so I am sure she didn’t expect this would be the outcome when she traveled to Tokyo. Her wildest dream has come true. I’m thrilled at the outcome.

      1. I’m sure she’s surprised, but part of competition in ANY sport is that other athletes (favorites) might run into issues. It could be an injury, a mental health/injury risk thing like with Biles, illness, or really anything. No one should ever count themselves out because it’s not over until it’s over!

6. I’m in my early 30’s and have been trying to get pregnant for the last two years. Because I’ve been trying, I haven’t added a retinol to my skin care routine, and those forehead wrinkles are becoming a real problem. There’s really no end in sight to “trying,” and I think if I wait until I successfully have kids the wrinkles will be well beyond what a retinol can address. In my shoes, would you add a retinol and just stop using it once you had a positive test? Or would you stay the course – and in the meantime, what skincare would you use to address the dreaded forehead wrinkle?

   1. Honestly, could you find a reputable dermatologist and get botox? They could advise you if you needed to skip a cycle or not, but that would likely get you the most immediate results in the short run, help prevent more wrinkles and at the appointment, you could ask about their recommendations around retinol and TTC.

      1. This. I was concerned about doing Botox while TTC but the derm assured me it’s ok while you’re TTC; you just pause once you know you’re pregnant. The results are really great. I did retinol in high school and early 20s. I prefer Botox because it’s easy and doesn’t make me sun sensitive and I’m not constantly peeling.

   2. I definitely would not start using it while TTC. After you have a kid, you can get Botox or embrace your face looking like it does naturally. Hydrate, hyaluronic acid, sunscreen.

      1. +1. Some stuff REALLY shouldn’t be used while TTC. Our system for regulating cosmetics and supplements in the U.S. is already an absolute joke – in the rare cases where we have good research on risks, you should definitely continue to avoid.

         1. FWIW, I was told by both my derm and my RE that topical retinoids are fine while TTC. Even if you accidentally used it before you realized you were pregnant early on, the amount that is likely passed on to the fetus is very small (unlike oral medications). As someone who had to try for over two years like OP, I wasn’t willing to give it up for years before (and IF) I even got pregnant and breastfed.

      2. So, the reality of infertility is that you might NEVER conceive. At some point, it’s important for us to be able to live our lives and not put everything on hold because *maybe* this is finally the month. When you’re multiple years into the struggle, it’s a much different mindset than the people who conceive within just a few months. It’s easy to say “just wait and then get Botox!” but for someone who may wait for many many more years, it’s harder than just that.

   3. Honestly, I would just accept it? Just stick with good sunscreen/hats.

      You are very young and no one is noticing your wrinkles but you!!! And retinols are not the most effective for wrinkles of the forehead. That’s more genetically determined and is what folks use Botox for.

   4. BTDT! I was told by my derm that I could continue with retinols until I tested positive. Have you seen an RE yet?

   5. In the same boat, I have been using tretinoin + botox and plan to keep doing so until a positive test.

   6. I used retinol during my 2.5 years of TTC and my doctors all assured me it was no problem. I stopped when I got the positive pregnancy test.

   7. Retionl did nothing for my horizontal forehead wrinkles. Botox, though, made an amazing difference. I’d still talk to the doc about retinol and see if you can use it in the interim; it’s great for many other things. Strongly recommend getting Rx retinol.

   8. I am a huge fan of tretinoin and use it daily. But for established fine lines or wrinkles the real solution is Botox.

      Botox, sunscreen, and hydration are going to be your friends here. Hydration meaning you keep your body well hydrated, not just slapping a moisturizer on.

   9. As someone who couldn’t conceive, I understand that OP likely wants to stop making decisions about her potential eventual pregnancy that may never happen. I get that retinol is cosmetic but it raises the same emotions. OP, I don’t have answers but I just wanted to say I understand.

      1. YES. At some point you feel like you need permission (for lack of a better term) to live your life on your terms and not have everything revolve around TTC. While I was going through treatment, I had a hairdresser who was pregnant who mentioned how hard it was for her to abstain from drinking for the whopping three months she was TTC. I said I’d been drinking while TTC and she was surprised… well I would have had to stop drinking for over two and a half years, it feels futile after awhile! After awhile, you want to un-pause your life and just live.

   10. Def just get botox (Dysport specifically).

   11. My OB told me to stop using Retin-A three months before TTC. It’s been a year since we started trying, still not pregnant, but not going to risk it. I did not ask a derm though.

   12. This study suggests you can continue to use OTC topical retinol during pregnancy: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3114665/

       But if you’re concerned then you should talk to your doctor. Good luck!

7. Help me figure out what to wear to an outdoor concert this weekend. I’ve never heard of the band (sort of a tribute band, I understand they have some local fans, though I’m not really a music scene person), it’s at a marina in an outlying county which is sort of country, and we’re in a big heatwave. Based in the band they’re tribute-ing (Queen), I’d expect the crowd to be mostly gen-x/middle aged-ish.

   So, casual, ready for the heat, right? Shorts and a nice plain tank with fun earrings? (Are denim shorts OK? They’re really the only ones I have that I feel cute in.). Capri pants or shorts and a cute summer top? A casual skirt and cute summer top? I have a khaki-colored Jean-style skirt that I like but is pretty short. Capri pants and a dressier halter top? These faux-leather leggings (that I’ve been dying to find a place to wear but am afraid would be hot) and a cute top? Help me!

   1. God not faux leather leggings way too hot. Shorts. Thank. Comfy shoes. Hat.

   2. I would go with a drapey sundress or cutoff jean shorts and a drapey tank. Flat sandals or cute sneakers.

      Capri pants are very… 2003 or The Villages.

      WAY too hot to wear leather leggings.

      1. The Villages — ha! Does everyone know an older relative or person who is there now? I keep thinking it sounds like a bad M. Night Shamylan movie.

         1. I do and that is why I am familiar with the “dress code” lol. Blinged out golf cart and all.

            1. Does the Villages have a dress code? Or is it just unwritten, like an older version of Stepford Wives? Kind of horrified and fascinating.

               [My family dies in a place they’ve lived in for 30+ years that they’ve kept as family shrines. Not sure if we’re genetically capable of retiring to a new place. But every fifth person I know seems to go down there periodically to check in on their olds, help with surgery recoveries, etc.]

            2. I say it in entirely joking fashion, but if you see a group of women there… the odds that they are all wearing capri pants and a lightweight, drapey blouse are awfully good. That’s pretty much the unofficial uniform of the Florida Retiree in a community.

            3. It’s like middle school revisited. Everyone wears identical clothes and has identical hair, but they feel so individualistic because of some distinction that is unobservable to outsiders.

      2. Ditto. I’d probably lean toward wearing shorts over a sundress but it depends on the material and length of the dress. Are you going to bring a blanket or concert chair? Will you be sitting a lot? Cute sneakers >>> flat sandals for a concert because people have a tendency to step on each others toes(on accident but it happens a lot).

   3. Pleather leggings at an outdoor summer concert sound like Ross situation waiting to happen (It’s formed a paste!!). Hard no on that.
      I think comfort is paramount. Jean shorts at an outdoor concern are certainly appropriate, but aren’t always the most heat-friendly/comfortable.

   4. I suggest a midi or maxi dress, casual, with a tank top if possible, and a light shirt to cover up from the sun. I would not wear capris or leggings–too hot. Do you have seats? or will you be sitting on the ground/dock? I think you need a long dress so as to cover your knees/legs in the sun, and something to protect your arms from the sun.

   5. Cutoffs and a tank, or a lightweight dress. Wear comfortable shoes. Do not, under any circumstances, wear the leggings; it’s too hot for that nonsense.

   6. Sundress. I feel like a weirdo for saying this for the second time in a week…but think about the portapotty situation. Shorts go down, dress goes up. You have control over what’s up but not necessarily what’s in those mysterious wet spots in a portapotty. I swear I’m not a germaphobe, but I do think about these things occasionally.

      Same reason a crossbody is helpful. Handsfree! Bring sunscreen and a hat.

      1. Shorts just shimmy lower IMO. A dress that is long or flowy gets nasty fast. Still do not get jumpsuits for this reason.

   7. Whatever you want. Literally no one will care except you.

      1. Yup.

   8. Very casual. It’s a tribute band in the boondocks. Don’t overthink it. I’d focus more on making sure you can stay hydrated and protected from the sun.

8. I loved that Akris jacket from yesterday. Any ideas for a more affordable dupe?

   1. Not a jacket but I’ve been drooling over this top:
      https://thefoldlondon.com/product/keystone-top-magenta-stretch-crepe/

      1. Oh. My. Gawd. Want.

   2. Not nearly as beautiful: https://blancnoirusa.com/products/suede-mesh-moto-red

   3. Scuba material (sigh): https://anneklein.com/products/scuba-asymmetric-front-jacket?variant=32591609069639

   4. With leather trim: https://jamytarr.com/products/the-funnel-neck-jacket-in-cabernet?variant=43279182096&currency=USD

9. Does anyone have a neurologist they like in the DC area. Ongoing battles with “atypical migraines” and my current doc doesn’t seem to have much experience in that space. TIA!

   1. Dr. Patricia Scripko! Just search for her, she has an office at National Harbor.

   2. I would check out the Headaches clinics at the major medical schools there. Start with Georgetown. Looks like their Headache Center is all women – bonus! Here is their director, and she is board certified in Neurology and Headache medicine.

      https://www.medstargeorgetown.org/doctor-profile/1073703096/#q={}

      If you want a different location, do a search on this page for the state to see who is board certified (UCNS is best certification).

      https://headaches.org/resources/healthcare-provider-finder/

      When given the choice, I always choose a woman doctor.

   3. I have gone to the Neurology Center in DC for years. Currently see Dr. Pulaski but have seen Dr. Hari Hall in the past

10. Does anyone have a Rothy’s referral code? Appreciated!

    1. Yes! Here you go – https://share.rothys.com/x/t2NWKm

       P.S. Size up a half size, at least in the points. I am a 7.5/8 almost always and need 8.5 in the Rothy’s points.

    2. https://share.rothys.com/x/gimbQK

       1. Thanks, just used!

11. Seeking help stalking a dress – I saw an attorney wearing a beautiful knee length, long sleeved, wrap dress in white with a purple print and tried to find it but my search on the interwebs couldn’t find it.

    1. Maybe try Leota? Or on Poshmark for older prints? They usually have something in many colors each year.

    2. What type of print? Floral? Geometric? Abstract?

       1. geometric, it looked like a block print i.e. a diamond shape repeated on the dress

          1. A google image search shows a lot of possible options with DVF wrap purple white print.

          2. This sounds like DVF to me.

    3. Is it something like this, pattern-wise, or more white overall?

       https://poshmark.com/listing/Diane-von-Furstenberg-vintage-cube-Justin-dress-54a9d745a921af7371289961

12. Does anyone else live with a man who is really gross when he’s not feeling well? My DH has a cold (covid negative) and he’s so dramatic about it I feel like it’s completely taken over both of our lives this week. He firmly believes all phlegm must be expelled, so he’s constantly spitting and making all these gross phlegmy sounds in preparation of spitting. He won’t shower or brush his teeth because he “doesn’t feel well and there’s no point”. He ruminates on his symptoms all day and acts like he’s in the ICU, yet refuses to take any medicine or drink water or go to sleep. This probably comes off as really insensitive but I also get sick often (immunocompromised + chronic illness) and I feel I always take care of myself very well while keeping my ish together. I’m convinced this is a man thing because I’ve never met a woman who behaves like this when sick.

    1. What are you supposed to do with phlegm? Swallow it when it comes up?

       1. Yes, exactly that.

          1. Eww. No. You go to the bathroom and deal

          2. Ewwww — no thank you. As someone which chronic sinus issues, that makes me want to wretch right now.

          3. Ok, then you can continue to enjoy the sounds as the phlegm just keeps coming back up. It’s a vicious (viscous?) cycle. Get rid of it.

             Deal. And hope you’re never sick and “gross” I guess.

             1. I mean that’s not technically true. Phlegm comes from your lungs, up through the windpipe and into your mouth. If you swallow it, it goes down into your stomach and is digested.

                Swallowing it does not mean you keep coughing it up – coughing things up from your stomach is called vomiting.

             2. Haha, ok, yes, that makes sense. I think my own experience provided a sensitive lens here: I have both sinus issues AND some pretty awful reflux issues, incl. a sensitive gag reflex…which makes me feel like it’s coming back up (occasionally, it, um, does)! Obviously not the case for all! Point taken and appreciated.

       2. No, but you can handle it in a way that doesn’t turn the stomach of everyone around you.
          Sorry OP, man colds are the absolute worse. Mine acts like he’s one step from signing a DNR but HEAVEN FORBID you offer him cold meds that might make him sleepy.

       3. I’m pretty sure you are supposed to spit it out but no need to make lots of gross noises in preparation for that. My two year old is pretty gross when sick and even he doesn’t do that.

    2. This is unacceptable. Tell him. Once he is better. That refusing to bathe or brush his teeth or hydrate or take medicine or sleep is either a) signs of mental health issues he must address or b) a failure to behave as an adult at an acceptable level burdening you and harming your marriage, and that you will no longer be indulging it.

       Next time, go to a hotel. There is a life apart from your toxic man child.

       1. so dramatic. It’s not a sign of ‘mental health issues’ to be sort of gross and lazy when you’re not feeling well. Gross mis-use of the term.

          1. Not showering or brushing your teeth for a week because you have a cold is normal to you?

    3. Omg. That is gross! In my house, we joke about mancolds because my husband loves to lay on the couch all day when he’s sick, but he does not stop grooming or obsess about it to the degree your husband seems to. I’m sorry!!

    4. Look up “Man Cold” on Youtube.

    5. Is there any chance you have another bedroom? I would sleep in there and basically ignore him. Tell him he is nasty.

       I’m assuming that he is otherwise amazing and wonderful.

    6. This is what is referred to as a “man cold” and is best ignored rather than rewarded with attention. I would ship him into the guest room for the duration.

       1. +1. Ignoring is key. “Sorry you’re feeling sick! I made up the guest bed for you and will be spending the rest of the day running errands. Bye!”

       2. Yes. Stay in separate rooms until he recovers!

    7. TBH, I have a 60 hour rule for trying to get a shower in when I’m camping, so if he is skipping here and there, is it that big of a deal when inside and not moving around a lot? If he smells, there is deodorant. I’m not sure why you are complaining about this — as the person in need of a shower when camping, I would think that it is worse for the unshowered once they are well enough to feel nasty.

    8. So interestingly, it is kind of gender related (beyond just what we have trained men is acceptable). Estrogen actually dulls pain. I just saw something where they compared the men collapsing at the finish line of the Olympic Triathalon to the women, who walk across, breathe for a second, then get up and walk around and congratulate one another. They described it as ‘Men evolved to ran until they collapsed. Women evolved to run until they collapsed, then pick up a baby and take care of it.’

       The most interesting experience though that added to this was from a friend who was assigned female at birth and has been on T for just under 2 years. Well, with COVID, he had his first true cold a couple weeks ago. On social media, he noted that the Man Cold is REAL. He said that while his brain knew he had definitely been sicker before, he felt it at a different level.

       But also: I hate HATE when my husband coughs because he forces it and does it constantly any time he has a tickle and he also is super gross with the phlegm stuff. I basically force meds on him (Flonase is our friend) but lemme validate – the disgustingness is grating.

       1. So interesting! I wonder too if it’s biologically useful as a warning to men to feel much sicker, since they have shorter lifespans. If you feel really terrible, you might seek care faster.

    9. LOL. Man colds! So true. At least mine takes medication when he is sick, but then he has to tell me in great detail the generic drug compounds, strengths, how often he is taking them and what time, and the target symptoms and side effects for each drug.

    10. You mean he has a man cold?

        https://youtu.be/VbmbMSrsZVQ

        Old reference but ever since we started calling my husband’s colds Man Colds (me, the kids, even he calls them that) something about having a sense of humor about it makes him take himself less seriously. He’s more the “I have a headache, I think I have a brain tumor” type so the levity helps a lot.

    11. This is called a man cold.

    12. I think everyone who lives with a man has this problem.

    13. I find being totally annoyingly helpful gets him to snarl at me to go away. And then I do, tossing liquids and meals through the bars of his cage/guest bedroom door.

    14. I’m baffled at the man cold term – is it only in the UK that it’s man flu? I have always assumed that it was man flu because a man won’t ever have a so small problem that it could be called just a cold, it’d have to be the flu. ;)

        He needs to eat and drink more, to have more energy to get himself well. And you need a break! Ritz crackers, some Coca Cola or ginger ale and a chicken cup-a-soup for him, lovely hotel room to make sure you don’t get his terrible illness (…) for you. :D

    15. I think I’m at least this gross when I have a cold. I try to keep up with things like teeth brushing and hygiene, but when I’m sick I get bad palpitations if I exert myself too much, and my teeth bleed terribly when I’m fighting a cold. The nausea is terrible, so there’s no swallowing phlegm for me. I often get a secondary throat infection that makes swallowing unbelievably painful anyway. I usually use about 7 tissue boxes before I’m recovered. I have contraindications for a lot of OTCs, so it’s all just the worst. I haven’t caught a cold since the pandemic started (presumably thanks to COVID precautions), and I’m trying to come up with ways to just never catch a cold again.

13. Any golfers here? I have a work event coming up that involves golfing at a private club. I have never golfed before and have nothing to wear. I think I need to get a golf dress and a visor, I anticipate it will be very hot. Do I need special shoes? Gloves? And where can I buy this stuff on the cheap? I might never golf again so I want to keep my costs to a minimum.

    1. I do this in a hat I own, sneakers I own, and athleisure I own assuming that I have something that meets the club requirements. No point in spending any money trying to look like a golfer when you very clearly are not.

       1. This is what I’d do, too. There is no sense in buying a bunch of specific clothes that you’ll never wear again.

          1. +1 This is so wasteful.

    2. I would think carefully about the racism and privilege you’re perpetuating by golfing at a private club. Although this board skews progressive, I’m continually disappointed by the countless Trump-y blind spots… Frankly, it makes me sick.

       1. Can we not? The way to make a sport or club inclusive is to make it inclusive. By showing up. By inviting others if we are members. We used to be barred from the doors and now we won’t entertain the idea of walking in when invited? That’s not how I roll and there are others like me for those interested in golf or tennis or whatever. If you don’t want to, don’t. But we can now democratize anything and ought to when it lets us do what we want to do.

          1. +1 you build inclusivity by showing up. women need to show up for golf events and encourage others to do the same.

             Also, this extends to all kinds of things – surrounding yourself in liberal enclaves of liberal people does exactly nothing to change people’s minds who don’t think like you. I live in a purple state in a red hot area as a blue outspoken liberal and I have community friends (gasp) who voted for Trump – I work with these people hard on community issues and we build a trust and knowing me makes it a heck of a lot harder for them to disparage “all liberals” as wanting to do xyz that Fox News is threatening. Showing up to built relationships and trust changes people’s minds, not shaming from echo-chambers. sorry that that makes you sick.

             1. +1 million. The number of times I have been able to counter an “all liberals” narrative by saying “all I’m a liberal and here’s a more accurate explanation” is a lot more than I can count. I may not have change a trump voter into a Biden voter but definitely have made progress around the margins. You can’t change minds by not talking to anyone with a different view.

       2. Dude, it’s a work event. I doubt she has much choice in the matter unless she wants to be deemed “not a team player.”

       3. ??????????????

          Literally what

       4. what? How is the OP supposed to influence the choice of venue here.

          Most clubs have a dress code. For golfing you’ll need a collared shirt and bermuda-type shorts or skort, but you don’t have to buy a special dress for it.

          If there’s lunch afterward I imagine most people will stay in their golf clothes, but if there’s any evening reception part, try to figure out if people change clothes into something non-sporty.

       5. Yes, definitely torpedo your career for woke points on the internet.

       6. Reposting bc I used a bad word lol

          what? How is the OP supposed to influence the choice of venue here.

          Most clubs have a dress code. For golfing you’ll need a c.ll.red shirt and bermuda-type shorts or skort, but you don’t have to buy a special dress for it.

          If there’s lunch afterward I imagine most people will stay in their golf clothes, but if there’s any evening reception part, try to figure out if people change clothes into something non-sporty.

       7. the club may not be racist or Trumpy–we just don’t know.

       8. Is this satire?

       9. Well, that took a left turn…

       10. Obama golfed….

       11. How do you know OP isn’t a WOC? You know what they say about assumptions….

       12. You have no idea whether this private club is discriminatory or not, so can we not with the “can we not”?

           1. What does Senior Attorney say, presume good intentions? I don’t start by assuming people, even golfing people, are racist.

       13. LOL, what even is this comment. What an obvious tr0ll. P.S., you realize no one has a gun to your head making you read here, right? There are many many many other discussion boards where you can go feel sanctimonious and do your virtue-signaling without being exposed to alternative opinions.

    3. I’d call over — someone at the pro shop can probably help you. Generally, a collared shirt (polo) and athletic pants (like Athleta breathable ones) or a golf skirt (like a tennis skirt but longer, often a skort). Shorts may or may not be OK. Plain sneakers should be OK. You may want to buy a golf glove (prevents blisters), but are you there just for a lesson or captain’s choice? It really does not make sense to expect a non-golfer to golf. But golf courses are usually pretty and the after-golf is fun. They may have a person driving around with beer and drinks for as you go through the course.

       1. Yes I’ve found the pro shop extremely helpful every time I’ve had a mandatory golf event as a non golfer. I also took a couple of lessons and visited the driving range a few times to prepare.

    4. If you’ve never golfed, this is not the time to try, unless you plan to take a bunch of lessons between now and the event, and spend quite a bit on equipment, which you already indicated you don’t want to do. Even for a scramble type tournament, you’ll be expected not only to not drag down your team, or slow down play for all the golfers.

       What are your options around attending and watching/networking? For that, I’d wear a sharp casual outfit with ankle pants and a light cardigan and flat sandals.

       Do you have any opportunity to give feedback on this event, or not attend? This sort of event is pretty exclusionary, not only by being at a private club, but expecting people to play golf, which takes a long time to learn to do in a way that doesn’t have a negative impact on fellow golfers (being actually good takes even longer).

       1. Contrary viewpoint: I’ve been to a bunch of events of this type in my career, ranging from firm-sponsored networking events to client charity golf tournaments. The format was always a scramble and there was always an expectation that many people would not have any golf skills. They just put you on a “fun” team instead of a serious team . I always enjoyed them and I was not a golfer, and the networking I did at one client’s charity tournament helped me get my current job. Attending and not playing would not have yielded the same career benefits at all.

          1. People are taking this situation too seriously. Obviously the organizers will know that not everyone golfs. It’s meant to be a fun thing and EVERYONE can try something new. Even people with physical disabilities or other limitations can show up and participate in whatever way they can.

             1. As long as the “fun thing” is a tradition originating from the UK, naturally.

          2. I am terrible at all sports, including golf. I golfed badly in a scramble at a work event and it was fine.

             1. Same.

             2. Guess it’s very region/industry/etc specific. That would not fly at any of the events I’ve been to in my area.

          3. Yeah I agree with this. I am candid about my lack of ability, and they put me on the ‘fun’ team which usually has one true golfer on it who can shepherd the team through the course. Nobody blinks an eye at my lack of ability, and the networking happens just as well for me as it does for the real golfers.

       2. Yeah, you can’t really just try out golfing one time. You could maybe do some putting? I’m sure there are others in your boat – I’d ask around. But definitely don’t plan to actually golf.

       3. I disagree!! I have golfed about four or five times… ever… I definitely drag down the team, but I try to pick up my ball and move along before it slows the play. Most tournaments are ‘best ball’ which means that only the best shot counts anyways. But unless your group is super serious, just pick up your ball and hit it from where everyone else hit from. Of course, if this is a serious tournament with valuable prizes in play, you should probably just take yourself out of the running if you’re going to do that.
          For gear, a polo shirt and shorts or pants are all you need. Pants are safer, and if you plan to wear shorts, make them knee-length. Any visor or baseball cap that you already have is probably fine. A glove is not necessary at your/my level.

    5. Bermuda shorts or a skort, clean crisp sneakers that you own, a baseball cap that is simple or a visor, and a collared shirt. Don’t stress, and don’t go buy all new clothes as you are not a golfer.

14. So, one of my work wardrobe challenges is adding the third piece to pull it all together. Cardigans are fine, if a bit frumpy at times because I prefer basic shapes. I loathe wearing blazers and have yet to find a swacket that I love. Can I just skip the third piece? Or let a basic necklace be the completer? I honestly think it’s a sensory issue. I have never liked wearing a bunch of layers, and it’s only getting worse as I get older. I am super not into the drapey cardigans; they make me feel like I’m swimming in fabric and are constantly in the way.

    Retailers: Please have more standalone short-sleeve tops, please. And skip all the ruffles.

    1. I also hate layers because I run hot. Here is the world’s permission to not GAF about complying with an arbitrary Third Piece rule. A pretty necklace, scarf, bold earrings, interesting shoes, etc all give an outfit more “oompf” without more fabric.

       1. +1

          I try to use something that draws attention like a nice belt, interesting shoes, or a scarf. I actually do more monochromatic/tonal dressing when I want to avoid the third piece, and then the interesting belt or shoes or scarf really pops.

          Whenever in doubt, simplicity / monochrome can make it chic. Then a simple added touch makes it interesting.

          Agree that sweaters can be dowdy and I also cannot make jackets work.

    2. +1. It’s too hot and too much trouble.

    3. You might be a great candidate for a sheath dress only wardrobe. All with short or 3/4 or even long sleeves.

    4. I live in Texas where it’s triple digits right now. I often wear a short sleeved or sleeveless dress, some interesting earrings, nice sandals with a low heel (like other professional women in my area) and call it a day.

    5. So I think a blouse with some panache easily takes the place of a separate third piece and is what I have always done if I have to work in really warm weather. (I’m in the Bay Area so for me this would usually be a trip to the state capitol in Sacramento.) I usually have one or two 1/2 sleeved tops with something going on – one has a tie belt, one has a bold print – that give them some presence, so it’s less like wearing a plain shell or a tee with my work skirt or pants, and more like a complete intentional outfit.

       1. Oh, and wearing a major necklace or scarf in place of a jacket is not more cooling on me! I wouldn’t even consider that.

    6. I run cold, but I still never wear a third piece. I have a sweater and a fleece at my desk that I throw on when I get cold, but that’s it.

       I’m also not a huge jewelry person – I have three dainty necklaces I cycle through and I like fun (big but dainty) earrings. I also hate scarves and don’t do statement shoes or heels. I like to look nice, but understated (I wear natural looking makeup, I don’t do my hair, etc) but I make sure I look put together, on trend, and wear clothes that flatter me.

       FWIW – I’m one of the young ones in my office (late 20s) and often do get complimented on the dresses I wear.

    7. Yes, you may let a basic necklace be the completer.

    8. I don’t wear jackets or cardigans unless I am cold. I have a lot of dresses which stand on their own as a complete outfit. And honestly, here’s the truth: unless you are dressed poorly, or amazingly, no one really notices. If you come to work in a reasonably professional outfit and do your work well, I think positively of you. I could not tell you if someone I saw yesterday had on a completer piece, a scarf, earrings, etc. unless it was hideous or awesome.

    9. Statement jewelry can be a great third piece. Or a bold lippy.

15. My boss does this ~ google search game ~ thing that drives me insane! “I’m hearing [industry gossip/breaking news]. Can you see what you can find? We need to let Client know about it ASAP.” Well, where are you hearing it from? What sources do you already have? Who have you talked to? Can’t you forward me whatever you’ve heard? Why don’t we flag it for Client and tell them we’re continuing to track down details?

    But I can’t ask any of those questions because it seems impertinent, so I’ll just look like a fool while I try to guess which keywords match whatever boss heard and search twitter hashtags and google news and industry twitter feeds. And invariably, boss, who has all the information to the questions above and thus a considerable head start on me, finds the follow up information he was looking for and I look impotent. Fab.

    1. Umm, do exactly what you suggest – ask for the sources, where they heard it, etc. It’s not impertinent, it’s how you do your job.

    2. I don’t see why you can’t ask “can you point me to what you’ve already seen so I’m not duplicating work?” Can’t see why that would be problematic.
       It is annoying though if someone gives you an assignment and is simultaneously doing it themself.

    3. “But I can’t ask any of those questions because it seems impertinent,”

       Only if you are asking it like a jerk. Try “Sounds good, but I’m going to need some more details first. What exactly did you hear? Radio? Twitter? Read it on the news? Law360?”

    4. Why wouldn’t you nicely ask all of those questions? I would. My last boss had an insane memory for historical things but not always where to find them. I had no shame in being all (professionally) yea no clue what you are talking about, need more info thanks. He promoted me so it doesn’t appear to have been an issue.

       “Boss,

       That’s a great topic for us to look into. Can you point me to tour source? It will help me get started and reduce any duplicative work.

       Thanks,
       OP”

    5. Ha this was my life as a junior associate and now I torture my junior associates with this kind of thing. “I know there’s a case about this point. Maybe it was by Judge A? Or Judge B? Idk but they used the phrase ‘liberties with the truth’ somewhere in their opinion. Or was that a different opinion I read… I don’t remember. I think the plaintiff’s name was a color. Or maybe a vegetable? Idk. Can you find that case I’m thinking of?” And then the actual case is by Judge C who took over for Judge A, the judge didn’t use the phrase liberties with the truth, the plaintiff’s brief did, and the plaintiff’s name was Apple which I associated with “apples and oranges” and “fruits and vegetables” but is in fact neither a color nor a vegetable.

       You can and should absolutely ask more questions to get information that’s actually helpful for your search. Your questions should be pretty direct – who what where when why type questions, not something like, well can you tell me more. Tell me more is just going to get more of my disjointed mental associations that aren’t even accurate.

    6. I love the google search game!

       I do absolutely do follow-up questions, though. But I think sometimes the underlying brief is really to verify something with any sort of publicly available information, so that it can be conveyed as “per this small notice in small industry specific news letter X is happening” instead of “I heard a rumor from somebody I can’t quote that X is happening”.

16. I haven’t been sleeping well and am trying to improve my sleep routine. Other than reading before bed (which sometimes I just don’t feel like doing), what do you do that helps you sleep?

    1. Going to sleep at about the same time every night helps me a lot. I also try to stay away from screens for at least 30 minutes before bed and have a consistent wind down routine (washing my face, skincare, etc) that signals to my brain it’s getting to be time for bed. And then a Calm sleep story while I’m actually falling asleep.
       And also …. sometimes I do all of that and can’t fall asleep. It can just be hard.

    2. Reading definitely helps me calm my brain down/get sleepy, but understand not being in the mood. Maybe listen to an audiobook for a few minutes? Also, I try to go for “fun” books, rather than books that feel like homework.
       I also make sure to turn down the A/C before bed.

       1. Oh, the other things about reading – i only re-read books right before bed. I am a re-reader anyway, but the fact that I won’t get caught up in “oooooh what happens next?” really helps my brain wind down. It’s a mental equivalent of a lovey.

    3. Are you having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep?
       – i take a small amount of Melatonin (0.5g) about 30 mins before bed, occasionally. It’s just enough if I need a bit of a sleep reset and doesnt make me groggy in the AM
       – no blue light after (pick time). My new glasses have a blue light film and I have actually noticed a difference in the evenings.
       – hot shower, cool bedroom.
       – snack with protein. This actually seems to make a difference in staying asleep for me. I am still figuring out what i really need to eat – maybe just more protein with dinner?
       – check your caffeine intake. I used to be able to drink a cup of coffee and go straight to bed, but now any caffeine past about 10-11 am results in sleeplessness.

    4. Don’t have any caffeine after noon and don’t have wine/beer/cocktails at all and see if that helps.

    5. In mod but no caffeine after noon and no booze at all

    6. Do a quick search for “sleep hygiene” recs.

       Same daily sleep schedule…. even on weekends. No screens for 2hrs before bed is best. Some exercise daily – walking is exercise. No caffeine later in the day (you have to figure out the cut off time for you). Avoid evening alcohol (sigh….). No big meals or exercise in the evening.

       If you wake up in the night and can’t fall back in sleep (mind going…), get out of bed, read for awhile, then go back to bed. Try some mindfulness App exercises to help you relax at night before bed or get back to sleep

       Make your bed and bedroom perfect for you and relaxing. Nice sheets. Wonderful pillows. A good mattress (you know if it needs replacing!). Black out drapes if sunlight interferes or a sleep mask. A relaxing “routine” before bed that gets you in the mindset that it’s time to relax. Skin care, stretching, reading, whatever. Probably not have tea right before bed as it will make you need to pee! Do not use your bed for anything but sleep and sexy-time. No watching TV in bed.

       And when that isn’t working, a morning walk/run to get natural sunlight or happy light use with your morning breakfast, and a tiny dose of melatonin at night.

       If this fails, see a doc who is a Sleep specialist.

    7. I’ve been using Natural Calm, a magnesium supplement, shortly before bed and I sleep noticeably better when taking it. Maybe try it in the short term?

    8. Weekly acupuncture helps me sleep.

    9. Audio books help me fall asleep more than reading. Probably because I don’t need light to listen to an audio book.

17. Two dog questions. First, where do you go for good, scientifically supported information about how to raise a puppy/dog? I’ve been searching for answers on some basic things (house training, crate training, etc.) and am seeing wildly different advice on different sites. Second, has anyone raised a puppy in an apartment and used “Fresh Patch” or a similar natural grass system for house training the puppy? I have a large patio but no yard (which would obviously be more ideal) but I’m wondering if it’s a reasonable option since the puppy shouldn’t go to public spaces until it has its vaccines.

    1. Proper socialization vastly outweighs the very low risk of catching something before the pup has had 100% of all their shots. That doesn’t mean you should turn them loose at the dog park, but they do need to be outside and exposed to lots of different people and as many everyday experiences as you can find. Talk to your vet for good advice re: rearing.
       The beauty of dogs is that they are incredibly resilient, but that window between about 7 weeks and 4 months is vital for experiencing the world around them.

    2. Much like I assume raising children to be, in my experience raising dogs is an art, not a science. Once you get past the basics like using a lot of positive reinforcement, there is no One Universal Right Way. Find the resources with systems and philosophies that feel right for you, and assume that they may or may not survive engagement with your actual dog, who is a living being with its own personality and motivations.

    3. AKC dog training. Most local chapters have it. I’ve trained two dogs this way and they’re not going to win any dog shows but they both became excellent companion dogs, which is the point.

       1. I decided I had more to say, sorry!

          First of all, thank you for committing to train your dog. A trained dog is a happy dog. It may seem trivial to teach your dog to sit and to stay and to heel, but dogs are pack animals and they’re much more comfortable knowing their place in the pack and having a leader to follow. When you train, you establish yourself as that leader and it gives them a great sense of comfort and purpose. That’s why they say dogs are loyal companions.

          Don’t be afraid to be firm with your dog. I’m a believer in reward based training (little treats, lots of praise) but if they do something really bad like nip at you, that should be a zero tolerance event. What may be cute in a puppy can be a huge problem when they’re older, and you don’t want your dog biting someone, potentially injuring them, which could result in litigation and/or your dog being put down.

          I’m also a huge believer in crate training. My dog has slept in his crate since the day he came home. To humans it can seem mean to put a dog in a box to sleep. But to dogs, it’s a comforting place that is just theirs.

          Things like this are why I’m a fan of AKC. They really come at everything from the perspective of the dog, and it works.

    4. AKC

    5. Some of my favorite sources are Whole Dog Journal, Dr. Karen Becker, and Dogs Naturally. I’m admittedly neurotic about my dogs so I read tons about nutrition and health. We’re adding new puppies soon so I’m also reading up on best practies for house and crate training, and I love the materials from Puppy Culture. It would also be a great idea to find a puppy class with trainers who use only positive, fear-free methods; this will help with socalization and they can also be a great resource for some of the topics you mentioned.

    6. Dr. Sophia Yin (of UC Davis) has a ton of dog training videos.

       As for training a dog to use FreshPatch or puppy litter–yes, have done it, living in apartments and raising puppies. Fresh Patch is real dirt and sometimes puppies (like babies) want to eat everything, so that was not 100% ideal. Puppy litter is pelletized newspaper and you can get a dog litter pan at Petco or the like (bigger than cat litter pan). Puppy litter was more successful for me than Fresh Patch–it is not like cat litter, does not smell up your whole house and it is easy to remove either #1 or #2. If you do FreshPatch, I found they like one for #1 and one for #2 (trainer’s recommendation, and it was a game changer). My FreshPatch delivery cadence was good for about 9 days, and I did it for about eight weeks. It was worth it to me. In either case, buy a huge camping tarp and put it below their litter area.

       Neither of these solutions work well once your dog is about 15-20 lbs, which will vary in age.

       If you like a very balanced approach to dog advice, the Monks of New Skete have a puppy-raising advice book and it is very good. Recommend.

       GL–puppy raising is exhausting but joyful. It’s a special time and your pup will test your limits, but doing puppy classes and puppy playgroups will result in a well-socialized dog.

    7. My 2 cents is that crate training is 100% worth it, even if it’s a pain in the beginning. Having a place where they feel comfortable in case you need to transport them, or just put them away from time to time, is really helpful and useful. Also, lots of socialization with dogs and humans helps with many behavior problems, like being scared of new people/dogs, skittishness, etc.
       And also, every dog is different. So what may work with someone else’s dog may not work for yours – so if that happens don’t get discouraged!

    8. I would ask your vet for a local recommendation.

       I like kikopup for videos.

       I have done several classes with my dog, which were beneficial to me as he is my first dog. I looked for classes that were force free and positive reinforcement based.

       If I had it to do over again, I would spend more time building a relationship with him first and then focus on training. This is likely a “train the dog in front of you” issue, but my pup has become quite anxious as he has matured and certain things might have been easier for him if we worked in trust more earlier. We have a wonderful trusting relationship now.

18. I have two ruggables that I really like that I bought when it seemed that the only option was a very thin pad. I have them in my high-yuck areas. Now it seems that there is a thicker pad (or maybe I never noticed that option). Does anyone have it (or both) and could speak to it? I have some additional rug needs but held off on Ruggables for them as not plush enough (was thinking wool rugs; these are bedrooms, so not high traffic, although we always vomit when we’ve had red sauce, so maybe not a bad idea . . .). But maybe with a thicker pad I don’t care? I have made no progress on rugging these spots in a year (thanks, covid!), so maybe a ruggable with a softer is an easy way for me to start?

    1. I have a thicker ruggable pad in my front hall. It was my first ruggable, so no ability to compare, but it is quite think and comfortable to walk on.

19. Is it weird if my husband and I apply for the same job postings, if we’re OK with it? We have similar backgrounds in the same legal speciality but currently work in different settings (one of us is in-house and the other is at a midsize firm). We’re both looking for in-house roles. We don’t always overlap in interest, but when we do at this pointone of us applies first and then the other applies if first is rejected. We’re both becoming increasingly frustrated with our respective jobs, so maybe we should just apply without regard to what the other one is doing and let the company decide if either or both of us are a fit? But is that weird if the person reviewing applications sees we have the same address?
    I think the odds of us being finalists for the same role are slim, and the more likely scenario is one will get an interview and the other won’t, which I’m not bothered by. If I’m not going to get a job I’d rather he get it than someone else entirely – and vice versa.

    1. Oh, key point that may out me… we do not share a last name so we could do this stealthily except for the shared address.

       1. Do you need to put your address? I only put the city because that’s all that matters and all the information a company needs as far as I’m concerned.

       2. Take your address off no one needs it. List email address and phone number.

    2. Do you need to list your address on your resume? I feel like is out these days.

    3. To answer your practical question, take your street address off your resume (just include city and state so they know you’re local).

       1. Good solution!

    4. I only list my city on my resume.

       1. More comprehensive answer: put your city, state, zip on your resume. Apply to the same jobs because it’s not always easy to predict who is a better fit. You don’t want to apply to A, have your husband apply to B, and both get rejected when A would have taken your husband and B would have taken you.

    5. Do it. My husband and I have applied to the same jobs on occassion (we also have different last names, so not super obvious except for the same address).

    6. I put zero address info on my resume. E-mail, phone, LinkedIn URL. That’s it.

       As to if it’s weird conceptually, no. I have several friends who met their SO in a specialty grad program, and thus share the same niche. The only time it becomes a problem is when you’re competing for limited jobs, like my friend and her husband who both have an MSLS and work in University libraries.

    7. My husband and I are the same kind of lawyer, too and I would NEVER do this. We’d pick who would go for the job if we happened to be interested in the same thing. No way am I competing with my spouse for a gig. Or making my network pick which one of us to support (many overlapping people). We support each other’s careers, but we are married first.

       1. You are clearly better at being married than the OP.

          1. Oh FFS. It sounds like the first time this has come up for the OP and there’s more to think about than how to do it. Just because you can didn’t mean you should. I’m not in the habit of trying to compete with my spouse and if she hasn’t thought through how that can play out, she should. There’s a very tall possibility they could be the number one and two picks and that can lead to resentment. Clearly you aren’t married.

             1. Soooooooo sick of “clearly you aren’t married” whenever somebody does something different. The smug self-righteousness is exhausting.

             2. I’m married and I don’t fully agree with you. Our careers benefit the family. Our goal is to have both of us in careers that we enjoy and pay enough for a comfortable life. (DH loves his job; the location – rural college campus – has been hell on my career. I earn more, but a lot less than I otherwise would. We have not infrequent talks about how to make things work for both of us.)

                In my view, we are halfway to where we want to be: one of us loves their job. That isn’t a matter for resentment; DH hating his job wouldn’t help me. If one spouse got the job that both applied for, would both spouses view it as halfway there? Or would one be resentful, or the other think that their career problems are 100% solved?

          2. There are a lot of people around here who think their way of being married is the only way to do it!

       2. +1. My husband and I are not in the same field, but if we were, I would also never apply to the same job as him.

          But if OP and her husband are fine with it, I would remove my address from my resume as other posters have said.

       3. Obviously there is something wrong with your marriage dynamic because you view this as a competition with a winner and a loser.

          1. Because it is? If you are both applying for a job, the winner is the one who gets it. The winner is deemed “the better choice.” Don’t tell me you’ve never felt bad about losing out on a job and never judged the person who got it or viewed them as competition. Also don’t tell me you don’t prep for interviews by talking things over with your spouse. In a field like law that is naturally competitive (maybe you’re not a lawyer), the competitor aspect is definitely there. Just because you can get past it doesn’t mean your spouse will. More power to you if neither of you care, but even if you say it I can’t imagine not feeling it. I’ve gone for the same jobs as close friends and felt icky about not rooting for them. As I type this, that’s the crux of it – I want to root for my husband to have his dreams come true, and if I’m going for the same exact job, I’m not rooting for him, I’m rooting for me. YMMV, but again,I’d just tread with caution here. I’m also in an area with a bajillion jobs so why you would do this is beyond me. If you’re somewhere where there’s one employer or something I guess I’d see it as may the family win.

    8. This seems like a very bad idea. Even if you hide the fact that you’re married on your resumes, isn’t there the possibility that someone on the hiring end will know who you both are, or will hear it from their network? It would just make both of you look bad.

       1. Why? Why would it make them look bad?

          1. Yeah I don’t think this would look bad at all – there are lots of married lawyers. My husband and I practice in similar areas of law so if we were both looking to move to an attractive position, might as well double the odds that one of us gets it!

    9. I don’t think so – I work in a niche and very demanding industry so many people I work with are in relationships with people in our field or an adjacent field. Many people meet through work/school/doing “field work”, and like having a partner that understand the demands of the job. Every office I’ve worked in has had at least a few married couples – my current office had (at one point – a few people have since moved on) three couples in an office of 35! Because its a small and niche field, couples/friends/folks with close relationships often go up against each other for jobs. As long as you guys are both okay with it, I don’t think its weird!

       I will say – in all of these couples I know – only 1 woman changed her name when she got married. Every other couple had different last names (this is super common in my circles – I hardly know anyone younger than 35 who changed her name!) so many people didn’t know certain couples were together!

    10. I would apply wherever and reassess if you get an interview. Idk about you, but every time I’ve looked for a job, I have to send out so. many. resumes. It would make my head spin if I had to coordinate with DH about every application. Chances are pretty good that you won’t both get offered an interview anyway. If you do then deal with the issue on a case by case basis.

        I don’t think anyone will notice that two applicants have the same address.

        1. Thank you – that’s where we are… these are in-house legal roles where there are easily dozens of nominations for these roles and we each have a relatively low (probably 10-25%) chance of even getting any followup (based on current rates). To the extent we were head to head in a final round, I think it would be something for us to think about, but the possibility seems very remote.
           I’ve also accepted that the in-house legal job search is so random and it’s often hard to tell from a job description/posting what the decider will be interested in (e.g., law firm partner or person with in-house experience? experience in a specific industry or with a diverse set of clients?) so…. unless there’s a clear difference in our qualifications/interests/networking options, we might as well both throw our hats into the ring.

           1. Ha – dozens of applications, not nominations. Thought I accept all nominations for jobs as well.

    11. Wow. Thanks to those who offered helpful advice.

20. I really, really liked this article in the Atlantic about remote work. It explains (better than I could) about how the vague “we miss collaboration” statements are largely based in poor management and the desire to control. It also brought up a lot of points that I hadn’t heard but that make a lot of sense, like remote work removing a lot of the petty gossip and underperformance that was allowed to skate along for a long time.

    “These petty fiefdoms are far harder to maintain when everyone is remote. Although you may be able to get away with multiple passive-aggressive comments to colleagues in private meetings or calls, it’s much harder to be a jerk over Slack, email, and text when someone can screenshot it and send it to HR (or to a journalist). Similarly, if your entire work product is boxing up other people’s production and sending it to the CEO, that becomes significantly harder to prove as your own in a fully digital environment—the producer in question can simply send it along themselves. Remote work makes who does and doesn’t actually do work way more obvious.”

    https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/07/work-from-home-benefits/619597/

    1. Like a lot of things, this is industry dependent. I work in higher ed and in my experience, zoom meetings are not on par with in-person meetings. Right now I’m functioning with a mix of zoom, phone calls, and in-person meetings and the in-person meetings have had richer conversation and been more productive. I’ve also learned that working remote creates more work for me as it takes more effort to communicate with my assistant and I just end up doing things myself. Whereas when we are co-located I can chat with her between appointments and we get more done. I’m sympathetic to the people that like the flexibility of working remotely but I find a day full zoom draining in a way that a day full of in-person meetings is not. To me working from home feels like living from work.

       1. i also work in higher ed and feel the complete opposite. i find a full day of in-person meetings substantially more draining than zoom. add in the time i have to spend going to/from different meetings and i am so much more productive at home. so i would say it is less industry dependent and more person dependent and that a good manager will try to figure out a way to allow for hybrid schedules to accommodate different preferences

          1. +1

       2. Also in higher ed, and this exactly. Work from home is good for my personal life, but it’s not great for my work life.

    2. I work in software development. Some of the developers are in India others are scattered across the US and my boss is in a different state in me. Even when I was going into the office there was no one there for me to collaborate with in person. So now I still on conference calls from my dining table instead of my cubicle. I find all these conversations about remote work interesting b/c my company has already been doing it for years.

       1. I went to work last winter for a company who has always had the bulk of its U.S. workforce work remotely. Our leaders are substantially amused by how pressed leaders in other companies are about remote work. As our CEO told me, “some of these people are making about ten times harder than it really needs to be.” He would completely concur with the statement of “Remote work makes who does and doesn’t actually do work way more obvious” and has essentially said the same thing. When people work remotely they can’t pretend to be working by going around and chatting with everyone all day, disrupting the work those folks are attempting to do, and then try to make it look like they’re soooooo productive and well-networked. End of the day, either you produce your numbers/deliverables or you don’t. Our CEO and COO have said that before they started the company, they were continually frustrated in their last company (they worked in the same place) by A. being limited to hiring only the talent that was locally available and B. the people who did nothing all day but schmooze and waste other people’s time being held up as star employees, when they actually produced nothing. They’ve intentionally built a company where those frustrations aren’t present, and it’s working so far.

    3. The petty gossip definitely continues in the remote environment. In fact I’d say it’s worse because it’s invisible. At least in person, you’re not hanging out in someone else’s office for hours because your boss will say something to you. When everyone is wfh the cliques get cliquier. And people who aren’t that outgoing get gradually sidelined because they don’t even realize that other people are having zoom happy hours or whatever without them.

       1. +1 this is my experience as well. I’m the introverted person who never gets the invites to the zoom happy hours and I feel very out of the loop. When we were in person I would at least bump into people in the halls or elevators and could make small talk briefly.

       2. +1 I work in an old boys club industry but most of my career have made it work by being outgoing and basically inviting myself to things. But that only works if you can see people leaving together for happy hour and tag along.

    4. My office trying to do international negotiations virtually and let me tell you, in person is way better. Not only are there IT problems (which can never be resolved especially for small island states), but translation is horrendous, and time zones mean certain member states are working at 4 am or other non-work hours. While I’m not pro office or pro WFH, it’s disingenuous to act like either is perfect because they both have big problems.

    5. That article explains SO WELL what I have thought but not been able to articulate. I’ve worked for people whose raison d’etre was to take credit for my outstanding work. I’ve watched people suck up to the higher-ups in the office and insist that everything be run through them – which is a lot harder when you’re all remote.

       1. Same for me. This part stood out in particular: “Remote work empowers those who produce and disempowers those who have succeeded by being excellent diplomats and poor workers, along with those who have succeeded by always finding someone to blame for their failures. It removes the ability to seem productive (by sitting at your desk looking stressed or always being on the phone), and also, crucially, may reveal how many bosses and managers simply don’t contribute to the bottom line.”

          In our office, we’ve had a longstanding problem with 3-4 older men not contributing (or in one case, actively damaging everything he touches). Remote work makes it harder for them to hide behind a closed office door and a perception of business. However, there are never any consequences for them anyway…

          1. Love this. Great assessment.

21. Favorite sheets from target or amazon? Need a new sheet set tomorrow, and don’t think I have time to dig deeper unfortunately!

    1. I recently bought these. They have very deep pockets but they still work on my average depth mattress. They’re a high thread count long staple cotton with a slight sheen finish like sateen and are just getting better after the 3rd or 4th wash

       Pointehaven T- 800 long staple Cotton Deep Pocket Luxury Queen Sheet Set, White https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005FPDIF4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_PFY30HKY91QRN7WH5ZPZ?psc=1

    2. I really like the Threshold sheets from Target – deep pockets with extra elastic design that DO NOT come off the bed, and tags that say “top or bottom,” on the edges, yay!

22. Anyone in the US know how duty works on imports from the UK? I can read about it but not sure if I want to risk this purchase. It’s a bicycle motor, a great concept. $530 total. From reading, it appears that it is below the level which customs import duty would be due but how do I know? I’ve never imported anything so am not running up against any prior amount limits. I don’t want to take the risk of it being returned or held or having to pay a fine. Any ideas? Thanks

    1. I ordered some jewelry from Ireland (not UK) worth 1000 a couple years ago, and all that happened was that the delivery service (FedEx) sent me a bill for the $80 import duty. I paid them, problem solved.

       1. Huh, I always thought it would be charged by the seller. Good to know!

       2. Yes I bought something from Canada and got a message from Fedex that I need to fill the form out and pay my duty before they can release the package to me. For Canada I think the amount is like $2500 before you get hit with duty. But it did involve providing my SSN to seller to fill out on their Fedex form and again I have to fill out my SSN on my form. Had I known I wouldn’t have bought the item.

    2. “held or having to pay a fine” this would just be paying the import duty.

       1. Yes, well they are telling me there will be no duty and I just don’t want a surprise bill or a lot of hassle.

    3. Are you getting a Swytch?? I’m so jealous, report back!

       1. CB – Yes, a swytch! It looks so cute and so convenient. I have an electric bike with a big battery and this looks very cool.

23. I am in need of “work t shirts”… Not blouses or fancy tops per se, things that are fairly bland so they can be repeated frequently and I can wear with skirts or trousers. Scoop or square neck, bonus for natural fibers. Ideas?

    Are the supimas at Lands End worth it? Something a bit more dressy?

    1. I’m also looking for Ellie Sattler’s boots*, if anyone wants to shop for me :)

       *functional, not dress up

    2. In my experience Land’s End’s cotton knits are good quality and hold up.

Comments are closed.