Thursday’s Workwear Report: Phoebe Cotton Shirt

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1. I am so stressed and sad all the time. I’m already in therapy and on meds, but I feel like I just can’t cope with life—and I have an objectively easy life. Still, in my 40s everything feels heavier. The rhythm of life is intense. My parents are aging. My elderly relatives all passed within the last three years. I have more responsibility at work, but it’s not rewarding.

   I do all the right things—exercise, nurture relationships, get enough sleep. But nothing helps.

   I am single, which probably doesn’t help, and I am trying to date, but dating also triggers my anxiety and the process leaves me drained and demoralized. Then I beat myself up for most finding someone sooner so I wouldn’t have to face this.

   I have a lot of close friends to turn to, and I do feel better talking to them, but they of course have their own problems and are busy with work, kids, etc.

   I also feel like a total failure in my career. I’ve worked steadily, but I’m not a star and I’m not passionate about my work. My job is very feast or famine, so I’m either stressed about too much work or worried about layoffs because there isn’t enough to do.i have no idea what else I would do at this point, but I don’t know if I can do this for 20 more years.

   My married friends with kids have way more stressors than I do and somehow they’re holding it together. I have no idea how. Some days I feel like I can barely take care of myself.

   I’m ashamed to post this but I needed to get it out there in hopes that I’m not alone. What can I do to stop this feeling? How does everyone else cope?

   1. Not alone! If you’re already in therapy and on meds, and you’re doing all the right things, then I would gently suggest that you be kind to yourself and have patience. I was in the same boat as you, and it took a couple of years of “all the right things” before I felt less heavy and overwhelmed, and more balanced. That said, if there are little variables you can introduce – even a new playlist, a different workout, other healthy distractions – it might help to not feel so stuck. I also can’t really relate as closely to my married friends with children; I love them dearly but they are just in a different place. It helped to find a community (in my case, through a book club) where people are having similar life experiences (choosing to be child free, caring for elderly relatives, etc.)

      Also, this is my own personal soapbox, but I really think social media has amplified some of the perception that everyone else around us is coping better, or handling life better. Not true! I got off social media and that helped me a great deal.

      Definitely not alone. Hang in there! I’m rooting for you and everyone else who feels stuck.

   2. Consider a different therapist and a different job – even in the same industry. My general sense is that a company with a feast or famine structure shouldn’t create a situation in which good employees are worried about layoffs during the famine. Sure, kick some underperforming employees to the curb! Good employees, though, should not be sweating bullets all the time, either overworked or terrified of layoffs.

   3. Also in my 40s, doing all the things, and I feel the same way. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel and can never get caught up. IDK. I think this stage in life is just hard.

      1. Adding: The responsibilities are heavy, and yet at work, they sure aren’t very rewarding. I have found some gratification in volunteering at my church and at my kids’ schools because that feels a lot more tangible than what I do the rest of the time. But the void is real. My work also is very feast or famine, and I’ve been doing it for a long time and don’t know how much more I have left in me.

   4. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are most definitely not alone.
      Do you have any hobbies that give you a sense of fulfillment? Volunteer activities? I don’t personally feel very fulfilled by my job but I do a lot of outside volunteer work (particularly volunteering for a youth organization) that I enjoy a lot and look forward to.

   5. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. This is generally how I feel when I’m depressed. I am honestly in a similar phase right now.

      One book that helped me a lot is called Wintering. I read it when I was diagnosed with a serious illness a few years ago, but I sometimes find the advice for depression overwhelming – exercise more or better, eat better, etc. It requires a lot of brainpower and physical action. I think there’s something to be said for giving yourself a period of true rest, particularly because you sound burnt out. Not the “sleep” kind of rest but just not pressuring yourself to date, exercise, do a ton of extra things and just taking a bit of a break from life, including work. You sound kind of burned out at work and so anything you can do to get a break there, including possibly taking a long vacation or leave, would probably help.

      On the work front, I know there’s a general attitude on this board of “as long as you have a reasonable job your job doesn’t have to satisfy you; that’s what your personal life is for”. But we spend a lot of time at work! And if your career is a source of stress or makes you feel bad, it’s not too late to change it. I like the book Working Identity on career changes.

      Good luck.

      1. I love Wintering! The author is Katherine May. Many hugs to you, OP.

      2. +1, we spend the majority of our waking hours at work, so it really does matter! Agree with resting and letting yourself contemplate a job (or career) change.

   6. Can you plan a weekend getaway with a. Friend or two? I’m married with kids and stressed and this is what I do- either with a friend or my husband. Heck, I’ve also done it in a hotel alone!!

   7. I’m so sorry. This post is very, very familiar — I know how this feels, day after day. I’d like to make two suggestions, gently: first, see if maybe you can adjust your meds. It sounds like you need something different to support some brain chemistry that ignites anxiety and depression.

      Second, join a class to learn something. I suspect that suggestion sounds impossible, like just another thing to add to your plate. But when I was where you are, I decided to do yoga teacher training (just something that worked for me; you could do a pottery class, painting, language, etc) and it really lifted me out of a routine that was keeping me in my stressed, sad, heavy zone.

      You’re not alone.

      1. +1 please look into changing your medications! sometimes they work for a while and then just don’t, and there is something else that will serve you much better.

   8. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve had really rough spells, and at one point my therapist was very blunt: What if nothing changes? What if this is just life? Will you regret having spent the time beating yourself up for what could have been, instead of figuring out how to enjoy what it is?

      That really resonated. Yes, I could have made different choices along the way, but I did the best I could. And I’ll never be this age again. 20 years from now, I don’t want to look back and wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself. I think a lot about the Mary Oliver poem “The Summer Day”:

      Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

      (PS – your friends with kids are not holding it together nearly as well as they appear, I promise.)

   9. Honestly, keep dating but stop beating yourself up about it. It is HARD to find someone worth spending your life with. I could have written this at your age, I dated for more than 20 years before I met my now husband. The process was long, I often felt like you did, but it was worth it in the end. We didn’t meet until I was 43, and the feelings you’re describing went away. Like magic. I had a therapist who was amazed and shocked that it was that easy. It wasn’t easy, the hard part was finding the right person. And going through a lot of heartbreak to get there.

   10. I feel the same way. Basically my life hasn’t gone the way I thought it would and that’s really hard to deal with. One thing I did was stop dating because I hate it. I’m sad about being forever alone, but the stress and anxiety of dating is not worth it.

       1. A truth: no one’s life has gone the way they thought it would. It may appear that way in a photograph, but not if you live the whole movie. I find this comforting, and I absolutely believe it.

          1. I love this. Thank you.

          2. Right, but objectively there are people I know whose lives have gone to plan and they are happy, wealthy, married, homeowners, etc. It feels like good things happen to other people and not me.

             1. Yes! Same here. I know it helps some people, but the idea that we only see one part of someone’s life doesn’t help me either. There are people I’m very, very close to and I do know that they have had objectively easier lives due to luck and other circumstances. Sometimes they’ll say as much!

                What helps me is knowing that my feelings about this do ebb and flow. I practice mindfulness, keep up my good mental health habits like getting outside, try to pamper myself a little more than normal, and ride the wave. It’s hard and demoralizing and sometimes it sucks, but my experience so far has been that I come out on the other side. This approach has taken many years of therapy and medication as well.

                Hugs to the OP.

   11. A lot of this sounds like you have preemptive anxiety about things that may happen but haven’t yet. Aging parents who are still with you, but you’re afraid won’t be because other relatives have passed away. A job that you still have but you’re afraid you will lose. Have you sat down and thought through each of your worries, about how likely, and what plans you have if they happen? Has anyone said anything about my performance in the annual review? How often does layoffs happen at my employment? Okay, so I lose my job. I can always find a new one. I have savings that will last me so and so months, it won’t be the end of the world. But I can also be proactive and finding new opportunities now, maybe that’s a route I’d like to take. I find that fears are scarier when they’re vague. Once you put them in concrete terms they’re not so bad.
       The other thing I read from your post is that life isn’t quite how you want it to be regarding relationships and career. Again, dive deeper into what exactly you’re after, and work on one piece at a time. If dating is exhausting right now, then take a break and focus that energy on something else. A new job, a new hobby, spending time and creating memories with your parents?
       It’s definitely hard and I struggle with everything you say, but I’ve also found it less overwhelming if I tackle one thought at a time.

   12. I know I’m late to the thread, but have you considered that your anxiety and depression may be a perimenopause symptom? I hit menopause early, like at 46, and I dealt with major mental health stuff through my early and mid 40’s. I didn’t realize that it was likely hormone-related until I was through it.

       1. +1 to this. I never had depression until I hit perimenopause, and then menopause. it’s awful, but meds and hormone replacement therapy helped significantly.

          1. OR here, and several of us seem to have been in the same boat. I really wish I’d had more info about this when I was in perimenopause a decade ago. My OB/GYN never screened for mental health effects, and I just assumed I was unhappy/my marriage sucked/my earlier tendency toward anxiety had re-emerged with a vengeance.

   13. First, i am going to echo the book wintering because it’s an excellent book. Also, some of what you’re describing is anticipatory grief. Maybe ask your therapist about grieving practices or look up some yourself.

       I will also add that I’m in my mid-40s and very much in the middle of perimenopause. Some of this might be explored with a gynecologist who is familiar with menopause and hormone therapy or other medical interventions especially around depression, anxiety, etc. I personally am planning to start HRT if I can.

       1. This. I’ve been crying/emotional all month now instead of the week before my period and I do not like it one bit!

   14. I learned about the concept of a third place/space this week and I really want to focus on finding one to regularly go to. Basically a place that’s not your work or home, and where there is no expectation of productivity. Think the coffee house on friends, a park bench. I’m a mom, just turned 40 and so many of my mom friends have recently shared similar struggles with me, people who I was previously jealous of how great their lives seemed. I was that way a year ago, therapy was meh, but Pristiq has changed my life more than anything.

   15. It’s good you’re already seeing professionals, exercising, and seeing friends – those are all great steps. I’d also recommend enrolling in a class to learn something new, ideally something with adventure and risk involved. The sense of accomplishment you get as you improve over time can be a boost like no other. Depending on your interests, this could include a circus class series, skiing, line dancing, mountain biking, or really anything. The key is that you should feel pushed/stretched.

   16. Another thought I had for you was signing up to be a big sister with big brothers and big sisters.

   17. Hey Anon, I’m sorry you are struggling so much right now. One thing I see in your post is the influence of the depressed brain on your perceptions – you are convinced that everyone else is doing better than you. (We’re NOT! And if we are right now, there are times when we haven’t been!). You feel like you have an easy life, but you have had multiple relatives die in the last three years, which have also been among the very hardest years ever for many of us due to the pandemic. You feel like a total failure in your career, but you … have a career! You have a steady job. Most people are not passionate about their work, and those of us who are lucky enough to blunder into a fulfilling job certainly don’t feel passionate about it all or even most of the time.

       Re: having a kid and a spouse – for me, having a family means I have transferred my work anxiety to family anxiety. I don’t worry a lot about my job that much anymore because my brain is focused on worrying about my husband and son. I just only have so much anxiety bandwidth, and I say this as something with a truly exemplary capacity to be anxious. It’s not that I am not still full of anxiety, it is just that I am anxious about different things. And truly, they are often stupid things, like why did my son wake up an hour earlier than usual. (No, it does not matter). Having a family creates stress, but it also means I am rarely alone, which makes it easier to avoid rumination and loneliness. Finding life on your own challenging just makes you human. We are social animals.

       One other thought – when I am depressed, I often beat myself up that I can’t figure out how to feel better. But that is kind of the definition of being depressed! So for me, sometimes just giving myself permission to get through the day 1 hour at a time and not feel like I have to find a way to feel happy is a big relief. Just focus on doing the next right thing, don’t look to far beyond bedtime tonight, and know that a lot of your perceptions right now are distorted by your brain. This will pass, even if you do all the wrong things. It will still pass.

       1. I would just like to emphasize this right here: ). “You feel like you have an easy life, but you have had multiple relatives die in the last three years, which have also been among the very hardest years ever for many of us due to the pandemic.”

          These world and familiar circumstances mean that this is NOT an easy life. You really cannot discount the toll that the pandemic and general world state (pick your poison: US politics, global conflict, AI doomsayers…) has on our overall mental wellbeing. Add the family relatives dying and this is a very.hard.time to be alive right now.

          My point is, please try and give yourself a break. See if you can try some of the suggestions that spark a small source of curiosity in your brain – or don’t if they don’t! You’re doing it all right. It will feel better. It won’t always feel this way. It’s just objectively hard right now.

   18. you’re definitely not alone, i feel like this also and social media TOTALLY makes it worse.

       can you try something new, like a new hobby or sport? being a newbie and failing a bit can help put the rest of your life in perspective someties, plus having a new hobby is distracting.

   19. Another vote for exploring changing your therapist — it’s their job to help you understand your right path out of feeling stuck this way.

   20. More or different meds! What you’re describing is textbook depression, and just because you’re treating it doesn’t mean the treatment is working. I’ve spent years searching for the right combo.

   21. I have similar feelings–like the slightest inconvenience is ultra-irritating and I can’t seem to find the happiness and contentment I had in my 30s. Some of it was peri–I dragged my feet for so long before getting on hormones. Partly because I didn’t want to admit I was in peri, it felt shameful and like I was being selfish or dramatic and I was scared I would go in, ask, and get no help and then be worse off. The hormones have made a HUGE difference in my life. Sleep, mood, my overall body comfort, you name it.

       I do notice in the post you made some more generalized statements. It might help to journal–like what is really going on, in detail, when you have these feelings. See when they come up. It might be as easy as waking up earlier and meditating, or changing a certain diet pattern, it might be you see a pattern–every time you interact with so and so, you feel drained and unhappy, or when you get off IG after scrolling you feel unhappy.

       One thing I take from younger people is “romanticizing your life”–taking time and effort to make your daily routine indulgent and enjoyable. So invest in artwork, a beautiful coffee mug, a high end coffee maker, those gold-spout syrup jars, set up a coffee station with sprinkles and fancy paper napkins. Do an “everything shower” once a week where you do a mask, body scrub, hair oil, etc etc. Set up a “movie night” with fancy snacks, a candle, some wine or your fave non-alk drink, snuggle under a cashmere throw. Some of it is consumerism, sure, but you don’t have kids or a husband that you “should” be spending money on and a little goes a long way with brightening up your day.

       1. Op, some of this might be grief. As we age we do accrue more losses,I had an older wiser psychology supervisor once say to me, as she aged, “I grieve a little bit every day.” And she was an active, vital person. Many people are sad these days, you are absolutely not alone. You do sound very hard on yourself though and you may turn your pain on yourself without even realizing you do this. I echo trying a different therapist, and maybe tweaking meds. Try not to isolate, it can be easy to go down that route, I used to do that too. Sending you well wishes…

   22. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Is it possible that you are at the life stage where your hormones are getting wacky? I cried more in my 40’s than the rest of my life all together, and sometimes there were good reasons for it, sometimes it was over minor things, and sometimes I was boo hoo level upset over nothing.

   23. This is the second week in a row we have had this basic conversation (that is not a complaint!) and I have been giving it some thought.

       OP – I agree with everyone else that you need to talk to your doctor(s) and your therapist. This sounds like your current medication regimen is not working. While you are at it, I suggest getting your hormone levels checked.

       That said from this post and comments and last week’s post and comments, I think a lot of people in their 30s and 40s would benefit enormously from increasing their social network to include people outside family and close friends. People used to have religious organizations and social/charitable clubs. Millennials (as a group) do not. Putting aside any societal good, the personal benefits from that added network are enormous.

       Also, I think we tend to roll our eyes at the “mid-life crisis”, partly because we associate it with men buying sports cars and having affairs. But it is a real thing that hits when you realize that you are no longer young, that the choices you have made in the past have irrevocably limited the choices you will have, even if you do not regret those choices, and you no longer have the easy goals and guideposts associated with education/marriage/kids/house (or did not achieve what you thought you would in those areas and are now filled with doubts). I always found that realizing I was experiencing the same thing are my mother and grandmother and people all around me was helpful in dealing with it, which is also where having a social network is helpful.

       1. Yes, thank you.

       2. 500% agree with your third paragraph about joining clubs. I’m in my late 30s and have been a member of my local Lions Club for ten years. I joined because I didn’t want to join a church, don’t have kids (so no school/PTA network) and I wanted to be involved in my small community and the Lions Club is the organization that organizes all the events here. Yes it was originally comical because I was 30-40 years younger than most all of the members. Yes, 10 years later I’m definitely still the youngest. But seriously – active older retired people are legit some of my favorite people. And it’s much easier to see the good in the world when you literally are a part of making the small community you live in better.

   24. You are not alone. I feel this way too. For me it’s not really depression, just a realization that life is not going to magically get better, just more of the same. Sometimes it seems I’ve worked so hard for everything all my life, and I thought by now it would be less hard. But it isn’t, and sometimes I feel further behind than ever.

       I envy married friends for their seeming ‘easier’ life. I know it isn’t really, but it would be so nice to have another person to share life’s burdens with. Someone on the same team…

       Exercise helps me, and music, and vacations–but something else that helps is doing something creative. Either learning something new, or bettering my skills and knowledge. That brings joy and reminds me that work is not all of life.

       1. A realization that life isn’t going to get better – YES. You worded it perfectly. I really wish I was married, but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me.

   25. OP, you mentioned that you feel like a total failure in your career. Do not let your career define you, it’s just a piece of who you are. I used to feel like this, too. I was good, but never a superstar, whatever that means. I could never quite put a finger on it. Anyway, I’m old (62) and I am what I am at this point. I’m a good worker, I have a good marriage (I think), friendships, decent health, I ski, I hike, I read, I love to cook and I travel a lot. There’s a lot more to me than my job. I’m friends with superstars, and even though they’re on top of the world at work, sometimes their personal life has all kinds of issues (just like the rest of us). Try and do things that make you feel good, make you feel excited. Hugs. It will get better.

   26. First of all, thank you so much for sharing this! It helps me and I’m guessing many others feel like we are not alone. I second the recommendation for Wintering, and I have one other book suggestion to support you in feeling less like you are the problem: “Coming Into Your Own: A Woman’s Guide Through Life Transitions.”

       I’m also wondering to what extent what you are feeling may be part of a larger societal malaise. So many things are falling apart around us, and sometimes I begin to wonder if all (or any) of it is reversible. I think of the fall of the Roman empire — it didn’t happen overnight, and the many generations of people who lived through it may not have necessarily identified it as such. And then there are the increasing disruptions from global warming, wars and global tensions increasing…. It’s a lot, and even if we try to ignore it and live our lives we still on some level know it’s there.

       Wishing you well in this time of transition!

   27. Not alone.

       I have long Covid, so it means I probably can’t have kids as I can no longer look after myself. I’m not well enough to work more than 15 hours a week, or socialise.

       Perfumes and cleaning products affect me badly and give me ocular migraines.

       I don’t know how to cope with this.

   28. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Depression is a terrible thing. Have you considered that you might have medication-resistant depression? When my husband was going through a particularly bad time with his depression and his medication wasn’t cutting it (yes – after trying different kinds/doses), he did a series of ketamine infusions. It is not a “maintenance” type treatment for depression, but he credits it with getting him out of his very low place. Also, you might look into TMS. I’ve done a good amount of research on TMS and it seems to have great results and is covered by a lot of insurance now (though some require that you have tried different depression /anxiety medications first). Best of luck to you – and I agree that you should try to be kind to yourself.

2. Any recommendations for the best way to hang temporary decorations for a party (i.e., streamers, banners, silk greenery) that will not damage walls or wood trim? I often like to decorate for special occasions, especially kid birthdays, but DH is very protective of our paint and wood trim and only wants me to use painters tape to hang things. This is not very effective and I find my self constantly resticking things. We have had the “removable” command hooks damage walls in the past so would like to avoid that. The plastic suction hooks seem to only work on glass. Any creative solutions or specific products to balance decent sticking power but good removability? Thanks!

   1. Ticky tack

   2. use tape for 24 hours and touch up paint if it peels..? We use tape – scotch and even packing – and have yet to peel. We also have inconspicuous small nails we leave in one place where the bday sign goes up as needed.

   3. Oh dear, you hit a nerve here. Don’t go to the party store and buy a bunch of stuff that can’t be recycled. Can you use a big chalk board for your salutations? I’m sure the mom’s page will have other suggestions.

   4. Gorilla Mounting Putty.

   5. I’m like your Dh, and I just don’t hang things on walls and trim. I personally have found command hooks to be the tools of the devil and will not use them because of previous damage.

      1. Command hooks are the absolute devil. What I did instead was put up a thin nail right at the base of the moulding where it meets the wall and angled up into the mounding so that it just makes a tiny hole you can’t see. That enough of a “thing” to tie a balloon banner and other streamers to and it doesn’t obviously damage the walls. Way better than command, tape, or any of the other things that take the paint off. Depending on your set up, a tension rod also works – the kind you’d use in the shower. You can wrap stuff around it and drape light things like balloons from it.

   6. Can you compromise on some permanent nails/hooks that always stay up? For example, two strategically placed nails near the ceiling that always stay there. Then you can string wire between them, and hang decorations off the wire. Or a hook in a certain place where you can hang a banner. Bonus points if you can figure out how to hang decorations from things already in place — curtain rods, light fixtures, etc. This would require compromise from both of you — he’d have to tolerate some hooks and nails; you’d not be able to put decorations in All the Places in a creative decorating moment.

      1. Yes, this. We have nails for a Christmas card string in the hallway and nails up to hang the reindeer garland and birthday banners over where the french doors between the dining room and sitting room once were.

         1. This is what I’d do. Pick one place to hang stuff and put in one set of unobtrusive nails or hooks, painted to match the wall if possible. Put them in drywall and not in wood trim because no nails or screws should ever go in wood trim unless you hate your future self.

            1. That’s what we have. There are three nails/hooks above a window in the dining room and that’s where the Happy Birthday sign goes every year. My kids are in college and we’ve been using the same sign since they turned 2 & 3!

      2. +1 for this – I use the clear command hooks on the ceiling and they stay up in some rooms. I’ve found it’s MUCH easier to touch up ceiling paint and the kids are thrilled with all the dangly decorations.
         For kids parties the plactic wall clings (on Etsy) are easy to put up and don’t damage walls. If you’re in the US balloons (balloon walls or the big inflatable ‘walker’ balloons) are the most exciting thing my kids could have had when they were small.

      3. We do the same with a few strategically placed nails where I need to hang banners and the like. Scotch tape + windows works well. I also pretty touch up the paint in our high traffic areas about once a year so it is easy to quickly putty a hole during that process.

   7. I did painter’s tape and resticking for a few years and then just stopped hanging things because I got tired of it and touching up the walls takes too much effort for me to justify putting up anything temporary with anything else…

   8. We have a few hooks and nails for hanging stuff at Christmas, but we also put up a few things for Halloween with painter’s tape and they stay up for a few weeks just fine with no resticking. They’re just small cardboard cutouts, though, so maybe you’d be okay if you just put up smaller things? Or maybe the kind of paint you have matters and it sticks better to some kinds of paint than others? And like other people mentioned, we also make use of the curtain rods, railings, etc. to drape or wrap things around.

   9. Painters tape is the best

      1. Agree – make and x and it really should hold for a day or two.

   10. We just use scotch tape. It should work unless the decorations are heavy.

   11. are you always decorating in the same spots? my dad was always like this but was OK with nail holes because they were relatively small and easy to patch up if you wanted to. so maybe just put nails where you want to decorate stuff, and either take the nails out when you’re not using the decorations or, if you’re lazy like me, leave them in…

   12. Can you stick things to furniture rather than paint and trim and/or attach things to light fixtures?
       To be honest, touching up trim in particular is really easy, so I feel like your husband needs to chill. But I realize that is not helpful.

   13. If you use thumbtacks into the top surface of the trim for doors and windows, the tiny hole remaining won’t show.

       1. My grandma taught me this! She used the flat thumbtacks and they stayed in the trim year-round. So handy, so unobtrusive.

   14. T-pins can hold a surprising amount of weight and make the slightest hole.

   15. Can you put up a small number of permanent hooks to use for this?

   16. Order purse stands from amazon. They are perfect to place on a table or mantle to string banners, etc. from.

3. Not alone! If you’re already in therapy and on meds, and you’re doing all the right things, then I would gently suggest that you be kind to yourself and have patience. I was in the same boat as you, and it took a couple of years of “all the right things” before I felt less heavy and overwhelmed, and more balanced. That said, if there are little variables you can introduce – even a new playlist, a different workout, other healthy distractions – it might help to not feel so stuck. I also can’t really relate as closely to my married friends with children; I love them dearly but they are just in a different place. It helped to find a community (in my case, through a book club) where people are having similar life experiences (choosing to be child free, caring for elderly relatives, etc.)

   Also, this is my own personal soapbox, but I really think social media has amplified some of the perception that everyone else around us is coping better, or handling life better. Not true! I got off social media and that helped me a great deal.

   Definitely not alone. Hang in there! I’m rooting for you and everyone else who feels stuck.

   1. “ Also, this is my own personal soapbox, but I really think social media has amplified some of the perception that everyone else around us is coping better, or handling life better. Not true! I got off social media and that helped me a great deal.”

      This. Everyone has their own $hit. I’m happily married with 3 mostly healthy kids and a very comfortable financial situation. Buuuuut things with my husband and I are in and off really $hitty.

      A friend of mine has a husband dying of cancer at 42. Another friend “has it all” but is quietly and not publicly being treated for a crippling anxiety disorder and an eating disorder at 48, and her 14 year old is self harming. She’s a complete wreck.

4. Last week I posted about considering leaving my once great job after 12 years. I interviewed with a competitor and have an offer in hand already. I interviewed in Monday and when I expressed my enthusiasm for the opportunity I was told I would have to wait until next week to hear anything. They offered me the job less than 24 hours later. I’m hoping that’s a good sign. It’s a pretty lateral move but I think it’ll be a good change and I plan to accept tomorrow. Meanwhile I need to sit through my evaluation and raise meetings while they run a background check. It’s so weird but I wanted to thank everyone who encouraged me to take the plunge without guilt. I hope it’s a good move but staying still felt scarier somehow. I’m feeling very charitable toward the people sending me grumpy emails today! Thanks again!

   1. MaKe sure you get a big raise when you move! Don’t sell yourself short! And, congrats!

      1. Unfortunately I did negotiate and it’s still pretty lateral. I’ll be eligible for a bonus the new place so i suspect I’ll come out ahead by about 10k, which is not huge. Popular wisdom in my industry is that my current employer pays the best so I’m happy with any little bump. However if there are any magic words I’m missing please let me know!

         1. You indicate you are about to get a raise, so at a minimum, you should bring that to your new employer and ask for a corresponding increase to you starting compenstion.

         2. You know your market but in my experience being anywhere for 12 years puts you behind somewhere who has hopped around a bit. I’ve always made much bigger leaps in salary lateraling than staying in one place.

            If you make $100k and are up for a 5% raise, ask NewCo for $120 as long as it’s in line with market pay.

            Also, make sure NewCo is making you whole (or better) on your bonus. If you are eligible for a 10% bonus at your current company, ask for $15-20k as a signing bonus to compensate for the bonus you aren’t getting.

         3. Factor in differences in benefits, too. If salary or bonus is not flexible, consider requesting more PTO, flex time, etc.

   2. Congratulations!!!

   3. congratulations!!

5. Low stakes question: do you go to a salon to get your nails done regularly? If so, dip, gel or regular nail polish? How often do you go? I used to go to the nail salon monthly and loved dip nails. However, recently I have not been going and I enjoy the feeling of having nothing on my nails.

   1. Nope!

   2. I go bi-weekly to the nail salon for gel polish. I always feel more put together when my nails are polished. Regular polish, even if I wear gloves to wash dishes and clean, chip very quickly on me. That’s why I prefer gel polish.

      1. +1 – I did bare nails for a while in the pandemic and disliked it.

      2. Same! My place does one coat of powder gel base, then gel, so it never ever comes off until I go in. I try to go every 2 weeks but every 3 works too (they are just too long at that point).
         That said, I don’t notice or think badly of anyone whose nails are not done or chipped. It’s just what I like on myself.

   3. I used to go regularly but I stopped because of the pandemic and then never got back in the habit. I miss having nice nails, but my nails are so much healthier without it. I only got gel or dip, not regular polish because it chips so quickly it’s not worth it.

      1. +1

         My nails are so much healthier.

   4. I used to go weekly for a mani and monthly for a pedi, but got good enough at DIY during Covid that I haven’t gone back.

   5. I used to be a gel manicure person and also dabbled in dip, but it was just too hard on my nails. I’m here to plug Dazzle Dry — I got it once at a spa that used it and now I am OBSESSED. When I have time to do my nails I use it. It’s a multi-step system (I think five?) but lasts a long time/looks like gel and dries super fast. No UV lights and it comes off with normal nail polish remover. I can’t say enough good things about this stuff.

      1. Do you do it yourself or go to a salon? I’m very intrigued by it but I’m terrible at painting my own nails.

         1. I am typically TERRIBLE at painting my own nails and even I do well with this! No salons in my area carry Dazzle Dry so I’m on my own.

      2. Seconded. I used to go to Miniluxe which carries this and then decided to just mostly do it at home on my own. Their colors are more limited (and expensive), but I am the queen of chipping my manicures and Dazzle Dry stays looking good. The five minute dry time is also great because with regular polish I always seem to nick my otherwise lovely manicure like 2+ hours later when I think it’s fully dry but it isn’t. :(

      3. Yes!!! I got Dazzle Dry at a salon and it looked perfect for 2+ weeks. Including travel, juggling kids, pool time which usually destroys polish. amazing.

   6. I do a gel manicure about 1x a month. I would say it lasts well for 2-3 weeks, and then the last ~2 weeks starts chipping + is a little bit of a break for my nails.

   7. I only go once in a blue moon, and only use regular nail polish. I was a weekly gel manicure person in my 20s but I stopped going when my kids were young and I don’t miss it. I also realized I’d rather have a monthly massage vs. 2 nail appointments for the same amount of money.
      If you do miss having something on your nails I’ve found buffing and applying the Dior Nail Glow (or a dupe) looks like my nails are ‘done’ but is much easier to keep up on my own.

   8. I used to get monthly pedicures and gel manicures but with inflation I’ve had to cut out pretty much every “extra” so I do my nails at home now. I use dazzle dry at home and only get 3-4 days out of each coat, so I do my nails 1-2x a week

   9. After years of resisting and having terrible nails (I don’t naturally have pretty nails and I just could never get the hang of doing my nails nicely – evening filing and shaping – myself at home), I go every three weeks. I get a “gel dip” – that’s what my nail tech calls it – and keep them reasonably short because I don’t like the super long fake nail look.

      I don’t enjoy the process but have come around to not hating it, because I do feel much more put together with gel polished nails.

   10. If you don’t like it don’t do it. I can’t tolerate anything thick on my nails so I don’t do gel etc. I would like to be one of those women who always has perfectly manicured nails with perfect polish but the maintenance is just too much for me. Making, remembering, going to the appointment feels like a heavy lift. I rush around to get out the door and make it on time then when I arrive the salon is running behind schedule so I have to sit there and wait for 20 minutes stewing about how much I hate that fingernail maintenance is even a thing burn the patriarchy!

       Some of my friends think this is “relaxing” and I’m not sure if they are masochists or if their experience is somehow that much different than mine. I truly cannot fathom how anyone can find it relaxing to add to their busy schedule another time consuming appointment that usually requires waiting.

       1. Yes, this. I like the look of manicured nails, but after a day or so of polish, it feels like my nails can’t breathe. It doesn’t seem worth it to pay for a mani for just cuticles and shaping, never mind another appointment to keep up with. I’ll do pedicures all day long (actually 2-3x a summer) but my nails are just gonna have to be what I can do at home.

   11. I used to do my own nails but after menopause, they became brittle and stopped growing. A few years ago, I tried the SNS and I go every 2-3 weeks and I take a break for a month every 4-6 months to let them breathe. I love having pretty nails all the time now.

   12. I used to go get gels every 2-3 weeks but my nails got so thin and weak I don’t have any plans to go back to it. Now I have natural nails that have a bit of a half moon of length, and I keep them filed and well groomed. I paint them occasionally myself but I don’t leave the polish on for long. I’m fine with the status quo.

   13. I’ve never gotten my nails done. The most I’ve ever done was paint them way back in the day. I much prefer my natural nails.
       If you like the feel of natutal nails there is no reason to get them done.

       1. I’ve never had a professional mani or pedi. We were going to do it for a friend’s wedding but somehow scheduling didn’t work out. I’ve not painted my finger nails since I was a teenager. I occasionally paint my toe nails and that’s the pop of color that is fun to me, and at the same time my feet are far enough from my eyes so chipping or amateurish application don’t bother me. Neither my professional nor my private/family circle put much emphasis on styling so it feels not out of place.

   14. I pick at my cuticles terribly so I get acrylics with gel polish every 3 weeks on the dot.

   15. I do my own nails and really enjoy it. I put on a podcast or something from Netflix and use Londontown products—most often the pink nail concealer. Sometimes I just use clear. I find a do a better job on my own nails compared to going to the salon.

   16. I go as a treat. Probably four or five times a year.

       1. +1 and pedi only.

   17. No, and I never wear nail polish.

   18. I put polish on my nails for the first time since middle school (other than 1 birthday spa day) about a year and a half ago. I have short nails, and was a lifelong nail-biter. My SO loves the look of polished nails and convinced me to get them done before I had to speak at two large events. I got gel polish and I was surprised to find how much I loved how it looked and how long the gel lasted. Also, I never bite my nails anymore. I went every two to three weeks for a bit less than a year; my nails always looked great, I just hated the time involved and, mostly, it seemed like a big expense for a vanity item. (In my pretty LCOL area, it was about $50 a visit with tip.)

       I have no manual dexterity and my attempts to do my own nails were laughable – so, now my SO does them! (After the first couple of times, he got very good at it – get yourself a perfectionist who trained as an engineer.) We’ve been using the Essie Gel Couture, which does not use UV light or require special remover. It looks great but doesn’t last nearly as long as real gel; they usually have to be re-done once a week or so. We did them on Sunday afternoon and I just noticed a tiny chip (noticeable probably only to me) on one nail today. After this discussion, I’m inclined to try out Dazzle Dry.

   19. No, I look after them at home.

6. My cat has diarrhea. It’s the first time he’s been sick and he’s our first cat. Besides that he seems relatively ok. Any easy home remedies/ foods that might help? Thanks.

   1. Clear pedialite plus fancy food in little cans
      If kitties not feeling well in a few more days then see a vet

      1. Thanks. Sincere question: wouldn’t fancy food/any new food, possibly make it worse?

         1. Any kind of wet food in cans will have more water and can help if dehydration is a concern. Cats don’t naturally drink water, so giving them wet food can keep them better hydrated. Definitely call the vet though if it doesn’t resolve in a few hours and have it checked out as I think it’s rare for cats to get diarrhea unless there’s an illness requiring intervention.

   2. Keep an eye on his water intake. If he stops drinking, it’s an urgent vet visit. Otherwise, just give it time and confine to one room (with his food and water bowls) near a clean litter box if he’s having trouble making it to the box in time.

      1. Good suggestions above. Realize cats usually do not like to eat/drink near where they smell their litter. You’ll want to separate them some at least so they can associate bathroom with one spot and eating/drinking with another. I’ve tried the little cans with ‘gravy lovers’ flavors to give even more liquid in the food. Agree if it’s not better soon call your vet for an appointment. Good luck!

   3. Try a probiotic like FortiFlora or Provable. You can find those on Chewy. Make sure he is staying hydrated and mix water into his wet food.

      I’ve had foster kittens who had diarrhea and I syringe fed them plain Pedialyte. But you would only need to do that if he’s severely dehydrated. Pinch the skin around his neck and see how easily it goes back to normal.

      If it doesn’t resolve on its own after a few days, take him to the vet.

   4. Get Hydra Care – it’s meant to help with dehydration in cats

   5. After you solve the diarrhea problem, look for sensitive stomach food. He may just not be able to tolerate the food he’s on.

      1. Thanks to everyone for the suggestions! Kitty is drinking well and alert so I’m hoping that’s a good sign.

7. If you are leaving BigLaw, do you ever have a talk with the more senior attorneys you’ve worked with about why you are leaving? Or do they just expect you do go? I work with one very good partner who has done a lot of 1:1 mentoring and was an excellent teacher who taught as she assigned work and reviewed it. She’s a single mom and I know she was looking for someone junior to eventually take over her work so she could work more part-time (or 80% — it’s still BigLaw(. I’m going in-house, not to another firm, but it’s unlikely we’ll overlap going forward.

   1. They expect you to go but also, you will absolutely overlap and know this person the rest of your career. The very best time to make strong relationships is often when you’re leaving. You can be real and honest with colleagues and form friendships and build your network. So go talk to her and make a connection.

   2. I think they expect you to go. You also have an opportunity here to tell her what you said here – how her mentoring was excellent and how it has made you a better lawyer. I did this with one partner when I left BigLaw, and I think he was blown away. I have stayed in touch with another partner who retired shortly after I left via emails – that has become a friendship that’s now lasted 15 years. There are a lot of people who I am happy to never see again. But keep in touch with the ones you enjoy, even if it’s coffees, holiday cards, or emails.

      1. This is the way–have a conversation that focuses on what you appreciate about working with your mentor over the years, not on yourself and the negative things about the job that led you to move on.

         1. +1. My mentor expected me to go but we had a good conversation and we’re still in touch here and there.

   3. Given what you’ve said here it seems like she is hoping you’ll take over her practice. Of course you should do what’s best for you and I’m sure she’ll be happy for you, but I think this situation requires more of a gentle touch. I probably wouldn’t go into the reasons why you don’t like biglaw; the time to discuss that was when she might’ve done something about it or at least helped you to navigate it. You can certainly talk about what’s great about the new position.

      1. Yeah I’d get to her first or at least quickly – you don’t want her to hear it from someone else. And if she’s going to be truly shocked and concerned about what it means for her , don’t just pop into her office and surprise her with the info. Send an email and say something like I have some news I wanted to share and do you have time to chat today (or something like that)? That way she’ll know what’s coming and have a minute to process.

   4. I agree that they expect you to go, but that this is a good time to convey your thoughts and gratitude to the partner you enjoyed working with. That said, in my experience, while there is an expectation that associates will leave, often Biglaw partners take it upon themselves to tell you that you are making a huge mistake you will never come back from and that you’re foolish to think you will ever do better. I think this is cognitive dissonance but I’ve seen people be very upset by the experience of leaving for this reason, so steel yourself. This may be fading with the retirement of some of the real old guard.

8. I agree that they expect you to go, but that this is a good time to convey your thoughts and gratitude to the partner you enjoyed working with. That said, in my experience, while there is an expectation that associates will leave, often Biglaw partners take it upon themselves to tell you that you are making a huge mistake you will never come back from and that you’re foolish to think you will ever do better. I think this is cognitive dissonance but I’ve seen people be very upset by the experience of leaving for this reason, so steel yourself. This may be fading with the retirement of some of the real old guard.

   1. Get rid of all things that don’t fit. They’ll just depress you and take up space. I have a dog but only keep a handful of athleisure items around. We have a washer dryer so I don’t need a lot of inventory.

   2. When doing a purge I always ask myself: how many of these could I realistically wear in a week to ten days (laundry cycle)? I honestly don’t think a person needs more than 5 sweatshirts. That assumes you wear each one multiple times and maybe keep one in the car and one in your gym bag. I’m not saying you have to be this minimalist but that’s usually where I start.

   3. I really need to purge my suits. I keep thinking one day I’ll have use for them again but… no. Even if we go back to in person depos one of these days, is anyone even wearing suits for anything short of court anymore? Plus I think half of mine don’t fit. How many should I keep-2? 3? Litigator, but rarely in court. And then there are the pencil skirts. Those just really need to go, right?

      1. I kept one suit just for funerals. And because I think that I will have to go to court at some point in the process of administering one family estate (it’s not prickly so much as it is messy: having to appoint guardians for kids, having to subdivide a farm so it’s not held by TICs or JTs where there are currently 4 owners but the next generation brings that to at least 9, etc., etc.). It’s just a few times a year, but I like having some black clothes for each season that 1) are very formal, 2) fit, and 3) have shoes to go with them. I do also have one black dress, but for some reason (pockets, staying warm) like a suit for courthouses.

         1. +1 I also think that saving 1 suit that fits is wise, even if it doesn’t get worn often (even yearly). Its just a thing that is is so nice to have in specific occasions that isn’t super easy or cheap to come by.

      2. I used to donate clothes I no longer wore without regret, assuming that if the style came back it would be slightly different anyway and I could just buy the newer version. Now I am rethinking that strategy because quality and fit have declined so much over the past few years. Shortly before the pandemic I purged the gorgeous wool Brooks Brothers suit with pants and skirt that I had bought in 2004 because it was hopelessly out of style and I was only wearing dresses with blazers. Now pantsuits and larger lapels are back in fashion, and I am kicking myself for getting rid of that suit because it was beautifully made of lovely wool fabric with a full lining and nothing similar is available at any price. I have the same regret over a pair of wide-leg evening pants from 2003 that I donated around the same time. I now have a need for those exact pants and cannot find anything of comparable quality and fit. When skinny jeans went out of style I boxed up a few of my favorite pairs to keep because I know that when they come back they will be even more shoddily made than the ones I bought five years ago.

         1. I donated a lot of things just based on the rise. Like some things have zippers that are almost comically short and I feel like X-tina-era Christina Aguilera.

            1. I don’t feel bad about donating any of those jeans. I do not miss having to worry about plumber’s crack when bending over.

         2. I have a stash of high quality classics from the before years on clothing quality, also some from my mother’s trousseau from 1960, her dance dresses from the 1950’s, and some clothes from a Palm Beach shopping trip my grandmother took in the late 1950’s. My fondest pure vanity hope is to get back into those last three categories. I have one standard size closet and a cedar chest devoted to this collection. I can’t wear them now but I really enjoy pulling them out and looking at them, and marveling over the quality of the fabrics and construction. They are beautiful.

            1. I have that — I call it my Costume Department.

      3. Counterpoint: I purged my suits during covid for exactly that reason and now have just two. Federal court jury trial coming up, and finding a gray suit suitable for federal court in my size appears to be near impossible. I don’t wish I’d kept the ones I got rid of, but I wish I’d prioritized making sure I had at least three suits, which seems like the perfect number for those rare occasions when I actually do go to court.

         And no, I don’t wear always wear a suit for even in person depositions. I do sometimes just because I own them so why not.

         1. Agreed — I have one black suit that fits and purged a gray one that didn’t and I need to get on the ball about finding another non-black non-navy one because as a short, middle-aged woman, the clothes does some of the lifting in getting treated well by strangers. Some days, I need all of the authority I can muster, by clothing or otherwise.

      4. I have always worn suits. It is so much easier for me than separates. The only thing easier is dresses.

   4. I WFH and sweatshirts are trending for casual wear, so these days I have a whole stack. Three are “fancy” sweatshirts a la Anine Bing, three are “grubby” sweatshirts for cleaning the house and walking the dog, and two are thin for spring weather and evenings at the beach. I find myself wearing sweatshirts most of the time and saving my sweaters for days when I’m out and about because the sweatshirts are so much easier to wash and don’t wear out as fast.

      1. I also have sweatshirts from every school I went to starting in high school and now for kids’ schools (helps to spot volunteers at school events), and I’d never get those grubby or paint in them, so I have “to be wrecked” items and one special sweatshirt for homecoming and college events where I want to look sharp vs shlubby and yet be comfortable.

         1. I have a college sweatshirt that I keep nice because I wear it when I want to passive-aggressively signal “I am not from around here” in our very parochial area.

            1. Some years ago, I was wearing my law school sweatshirt on a Sunday and went to grab a bite across the street from the firm where I worked at the time. The parking valet at the restaurant remarked as he opened the door for me, “[Law school]! You didn’t really go there, did you?” and it just wasn’t worth a discussion, so I decided to reply, “No, my boyfriend did!” and the valet’s quiet nod indicated that of course that answer made the most sense to him, cuz don’t be silly, girls don’t go to [law school]! Sigh. You can’t teach the world.

         2. Any ideas for nicer plus size v-neck sweatshirts?I would like a range of options, from Old Navy price or nicer (but under $200 per item). I tend to avoid sweatshirts because I feel like I’m choking with the crew neck, but I would like something other than fleece pullovers (quarter-zip or v-neck) or sweaters. I agree with above poster to save some for “wrecking” and nicer ones to “look sharp.” TIA.

   5. I am holding onto a few work separates that are good for conferences / speaking engagements etc. But no suits.

      I have 3 regular hooded sweatshirts, 1 non-hooded with more of a fuzzy texture, and 3 zip up hoodies.

   6. I love sweatshirts and have Too Many. I have a note in my “clothes to buy” list that says “you have enough sweatshirts!”

9. How are you all getting enough protein and fiber? I’ve been trying to get more fiber in my diet but finding that it means I eat less meat, which I’m fine with but want to make sure I keep up the protein too.

   1. Beans.

      1. And here I am as a volunteer, unpaid shill for Rancho Gordo beans. Even if you don’t buy from them their website has some out of the norm bean recipes.

         1. Different Anon here. Their beans really are worth it, though.

            1. Yes they are!

   2. Beans, lentils, chickpeas, tempeh, edamame, nuts, peanut butter, whole wheat bread and pasta, nutritional yeast, hemp seeds…

      1. Can anybody recommend a brand of really good whole-wheat pasta? Thanks.

         1. I used to like the Trader Joe’s whole wheat pastas, but they’ve mostly stopped carrying them in favor of various gluten free legume based pastas that are way more expensive and I don’t like as much (though obviously it’s great if you need to be gluten free). I now alternate between store brand whole wheat pasta from Walmart and Target (cheap and edible, but not amazing) and Barilla protein plus pastas, which are a mix of wheat and legumes, but I find taste better than either whole wheat or entirely legume based gluten free pastas (price varies a lot, so I stock up when it’s cheaper). I like the penne and the angel hair. Also, I haven’t had it in a long time because it’s not sold at any store I shop at these days, but I remember liking Bionaturae in the past.

   3. I’ve had similar issues when trying to increase fiber and protein in my diet. Two options that work for me. Increasing protein on high fiber eating days with protein shakes. I use Fairlife protein shakes with my coffee. I also take a fiber supplement (Benefiber in my water or capsules) every day, which has had many overall benefits and I’m not struggling so much to get enough fiber through foods some days.

   4. I try to make my lunch and dinner 2 vegetables plus a serving of protein and fat. Today is zucchini, yellow squash, chicken sausage and shredded parm. You could easily add beans or whole wheat pasta as well.

   5. Fiber gummies.

   6. Metamucil once a day for fiber. I use the orange powder. My husband uses another brand called Yerba Prima.

   7. I eat oatmeal with chia and ground flax most mornings. I also snack on popcorn a lot. Then eat lentils, beans, etc. Buy foods that are fortified if you eat cereal or a lot of sliced bread.

   8. So I think this depends on your why — 1) if you want a certain amount of fiber a day (like 25g), 2) if you’re trying to improve your gut with fiber, or 3) if you’re trying to “eat healthier with more fiber.”

      for the first – protein bars frequently have a ton of fiber! they often do this so the calories look lower, though. if you look at the carb-counter tortillas or the like they’re also extremely high in fiber. (one i got recently was 18g!! what’s in it?!) another idea: high-fiber cereal added to yogurt for crunch, or to regular cereal for more bulk. you can also add chia seeds to protein overnight oats.

      for the second – beans and legumes, chia seeds.

      for the third – raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, avocado, carrots, sweet potatoes, and brussel sprouts are all high fiber, but hard to do unless you’re literally eating them all the time. also some of the super-healthy breads like Dave’s Killer 21 Seeds have 5g of fiber per slice, I think Ezekiel does too.

      I don’t actually think there’s a big difference nutritionally between soluble and insoluble fiber, it’s just a matter of what you want to be filling your plate with, how hungry you are, and what your other goals are.

   9. Bean snacks! (I like Three Farmers) a half cup serving can easily get you 15g of protein and almost 10g of fiber. I like the dill pickle flavor.

      1. LOVE this – trying to eat more beans, get more fiber, get more protein, AND i love dill – off to buy!

   10. Beans! I eat so many beans; they’re my favorite! And pretty much the only food where you get both protein and fiber in one package.

       But also, you definitely don’t need to eat meat to get protein. You can find other ways of getting protein in your diet.

   11. I like Barilla protein+ pasta (4g fiber and 10g protein per serving) with a lot of veggies and some kind of legume (chickpeas, white beans, peanut sauce, lentil meatballs, edamame pesto, etc.). I usually make a big batch in advance for lunches, so I’m also increasing the resistant starch in the pasta by letting it cool before eating: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/08/well/eat/resistant-starch-pasta-rice-leftovers.html

   12. I mix 3/4 tbsp of flax seeds into meusli for my yogurt breakfast and find that this plus eating a variety of vegetables throughout the week is enough fiber. I try to make sure every meal is somehow based around the protein. So today I had yogurt w meusli and honey, a turkey egg sandwich on high-protein english muffin (homemade egg mcmuffin), spicy tuna w rice and seaweed flakes, and some broiled chicken w soy garlic sauce and bok choy. On days when I didn’t reach my protein goal but am still within my normal calorie allotment I add a protein shake for dessert.

   13. I make a big batch of overnight oats – rolled oats, vanilla protein powder, soy milk, lots of chia seeds. Sometimes I put in some nuts or hemp hearts. I sweeten it with brown sugar and add a dash of salt and some additional vanilla or almond extract.

10. My company is laying off a longtime (20+ years) employee because they’re eliminating her position. Her manager sent a company wide email offering to collect contributions that anyone would like to make. Now look the situation sucks and if people want to give her money then by all means go for it. But I find it exasperating for the company to ask individual rank and file employees to contribute. When the company lays off someone like this they should give her a generous severance package! Not ask employees to supplement whatever inadequate compensation the company deigned to give her. Am I being overly critical here?

    1. Wow that is AWFUL. No you’re not being overly critical.

       1. +1

          Totally agree. This is disgusting.

    2. My jaw hit the floor. It’s called severance. That’s especially galling because she might (might) have a very reasonable age discrimination case, and shouldn’t have to accept charity in exchange for signing away her rights to sue.

       1. Why would she have to sign a waiver to accept charity from coworkers?

          1. She wouldn’t “have” to, but savvy HR could present it to her this way.

    3. It’s a reasonable thing to be critical of, and it is unfortunately also common

       1. I know plenty of long time employees get laid off, it I have literally never heard of a company doing a go-fund-me in lieu of severance.

          1. Been in HR for over 30 years and I have NEVER heard of this! So awful!

             1. Yes, you all are right – I was lumping in several “go fund me to cover the failing’s of the shitty insurance Corporate bought” type situations with self funded retirement gifts – I haven’t actually seen it framed as severance

    4. Nope, that kind of thing would infuriate me. Heck, I get mad when my current job sends out requests to donate PTO for staff who have run out of sick time. I’d gladly donate my own sick leave, but we can’t – it has to come out of vacation time.

    5. It is completely inappropriate the employer to share that a specific employee is being laid off, without even getting into the wrongness of the ask.

       1. Ehh, everybody is obviously going to know who it is. That part of this isn’t wrong.

    6. No. And at 20 years I suspect people making far less than her are asked to contribute, with the knowledge that someone is keeping score. It’s messed up. Some 10 years ago a supervisor’s husband suffered a work related injury and the hat was passed HARD at my work. I really resented being asked to supplement the household income of a person in the position to promote or fire me. It was even worse that all contributed amounts were public in that the person who organized it kept names and amounts on the envelope she collected in.

       1. That’s even worse. You unlocked a memory from my first job – one of the owners of the company died in a drunk driving accident where he was the drunk driver. Also killed his passenger whose companionship he had likely paid for. Multiple drugs in both their systems. The guy was married and had high school aged children. The employees were pushed hard to contribute to the kids’ college funds. Some of these employees didn’t have college degrees themselves; most could not pay 100% of their kids’ college. But we were asked to pay for the boss’s kids to go to college even though they were late teens. I feel terrible for his family, what a horrible thing to go through, but it’s not ok to cost shift the consequences of the boss’s bad decisions to the employees who make less money per month than the boss put up his nose in an evening.

          1. Oof — that’s awful.

             I know a guy who was counsel in BigLaw and he suddenly died and there was a fund you could contribute to for his kids’ college fund. Which struck me as crazy — we were well-insured through work alone and I feel like every person with kids (his were well into elementary school at least) would have thought about this at some point. Yes? Even if not, why circulate that outside of partner ranks? Surely to staff and associates is a universal bad look.

             1. Our firm requires partners to carry a large amount of life insurance for precisely this reason (and because years ago a young partner with a stay-at-home wife and young kids died with no insurance and not much in assets).

       2. A friend told me a story of a well-paid colleague (~$350k base salary) sending around a Go Fund Me so her incapacitated mother could upgrade to a $1500 wheelchair. Worse, she included people who report to her or are below her in the company hierarchy.

          1. That’s low. So embarrassing.

             For context, that’s a cheap wheelchair. I have two: a $8,000 and $22,000. I wouldn’t advertise how poorly I treat my mother.

             1. Exactly! Her name is part of a catchphrase among my friends now because of that story. The worst.

    7. I would not hesitate to respond back to the manager, copying HR, and ask what the company is doing for her. Particularly if you are a peer or above the manager.

       If you are lower down, I’d ask your boss. Possibly loudly in front of the office of HR.

       1. +1
          probably just because I’m a curmudgeon, but I would send the tersest-bordering-on-nasty response ever back to HR

    8. is it for severance type funds or for a ‘retirement’ type gift?

       In govt and we don’t have a budget for retirement gifts. Usually we have a luncheon at a local restaurant where everyone pays for their own meal and gives a small amount to the organizer who organizes a gift to be given at the luncheon.

       1. And under federal government ethical rules, the organizer may NOT be a supervisor or manager, to avoid a perception of undue pressure by someone in a position to evaluate the workforce. That a private company tolerates this is pretty shameful.

    9. This sounds like a clueless manager trying to be nice rather than a company trying to put the burden of severance onto its employees.

    10. No, you’re not. That’s pretty shitty.

    11. Are the contributions meant to take the place of severance, or as a gift of appreciation, like a farewell gift of appreciation for her years of devotion and loyalty to the company? Also, her manager collecting? That’s ethically dubious — shouldn’t have a supervisor do this, assuming it is in the farewell gift column, due to optics of pressuring underlings to kick in — or else.

11. What’s the best way to exfoliate my nose, in the short term? I have a lot of dried skin, and my nose looks visibly flaky after I put on my moisturizer and BB cream.

    1. Physical exfoliants are generally a no-no, but when I get visible flakies I use a soft washcloth in the shower to get rid of them.

       1. I find this to be the most longstanding bad myths of skincare info for my personal circumstance. I am 44 and my skin thrives on physical exfoliants and is terrible without them.
          OP, don’t be afraid to experiment and start gently.

          1. I’ve had a lot more skin issues with chemical exfoliation than just very gently rubbing my face with a washcloth every couple of days. I don’t get it.

    2. The opposite actually. If you have dry skin then you need to let it heal. An exfoliant will irritate the area and make the dryness and therefore the flakes worse. I get a flaky nose in the winter, especially if I’ve been picking at my blackheads, and the only way to fix it is to stop messing with it. You can speed up the healing process by using one of those healing moisturizers like cerave. To keep my blackheads at bay, the Sunday Riley tea tree oil treatment is great, I forget the name but it’s green in a clear bottle. Because it’s an oil it’s also pretty hydrating.

    3. A washcloth and use a gentle lotion like Vanicream. I buy the suff in the tub. It’s pretty thick, so you’ll only need a little bit..Bit I find it to be quite effective.

    4. when my skin starts flaking off i take that as a sign i need a creamier moisturizer – i have a winter one and a summer one. you might want to try a moisturizing mask also? you might also want to do something like tatcha’s Essence, which somehow opens/softens your skin so other products absorb better

    5. Washcloth.

    6. Use clear tape

12. I was late to the party for yesterday’s afternoon thread but just wanted to add that I, too, had a crush on the fox Robin Hood.

    1. There’s literally dozens of us!

    2. Ooh I need to go back to that thread. Since we have opened Pandora’s box here, my husband and I spent a recent date night trying to cast the live action of the animated Robin Hood. Thoughts?

       So far our best ideas are John Lithgow as Prince John, John Goodman as Little John, Chandra Wilson as Clucky, possibly Snoop Dog as Sir Hiss. Open to feedback and suggestions for other characters. Also seeking investors for this clearly amazing idea ;).

       1. Dev Patel as Robin Hood!

       2. Oh my God, John Lithgow and Snoop Dogg as Prince John and Sir Hiss has me cackling alone in my office this morning. Thank you for this.

    3. I didn’t see the thread yesterday, but yes, had a major crush too!!

    4. They very aptly made him a fox instead of like a badger or something. Smart thinking, Disney!

       All of the Disney princes/male main characters were my first crushes—Prince Eric?! A dream. Aladdin? Yes. Thomas O Malley? He seemed fun.

    5. “Had” a crush? Still do for sure. Also a crush on Nick from Zootopia because Disney STILL does hot cartoon foxes well.

    6. my husband’s first crush was the cute girl squirrel from Sword in the Stone.

    7. Gen X/Eldest Millenial real talk. Also David Bowie in Labyrinth. I think it’s the insouciance of the characters, like the Dread Pirate Roberts in Princess Bride.

13. Late April wedding, second marriage, at a brewpub and pretty casual but there will be dancing and fun into the evening. What to wear?

    1. As the bride? Something you can drink and dance in. C*cktail attire, maybe white if it suits you, maybe sparkly, but this is where c*cktail attire shines. And, randomly, Farm Rio. I always get compliments when I wear something from there.

       1. I should have specified – as a guest.

       2. I think Farm Rio is perfect for this as a guest! since it’s April, I’d probably wear a midi with sleeves (rather than a sundress, as suggested below)…but I’m always chilly. An Anthropologie dress would also work (the somerset? or the jumpsuit version?)

    2. I’d wear a party dress, I’d go more for the occasion than the location.

    3. A sundress. Think baby/bridal shower.

       1. This might look very sweet. But maybe a bit misplaced in a bar.

          1. +1

    4. I’d wear a dress with a little bit of an edge, perhaps asymmetric or with a very strong shoulder. I thought about suggesting a slip skirt with a textured top but wonder if that would be too casual. Is the bride your friend? I’d start by asking what she’s wearing. I kind of love this dress but wonder if it’s too dress for a brew pub
       https://www.nordstrom.com/s/adeline-palm-lace-midi-dress/7297095?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=411

14. This is such a pretty pick. Too bad I refuse to iron.

    1. Same on both counts!

    2. That entire outfit is just such a pretty hit of spring!

15. Anyone have a recommendation for a non-toxic oven cleaner that works? We need to clean our oven, but most of the products out there are SO harsh and come with a lot of chemical warnings. We’re avoiding harsh fragrances and irritants to reduce asthma exacerbation. Any ideas?

    1. You could try Dawn Powerwash. Spray it on and let it soak for a while.

       1. that powerwash stuff is magic!

    2. Baking soda has always worked for me, though maybe my oven doesn’t get that dirty. Maybe add some dawn on the greasy parts.

       1. How do you apply it – damp? Let it sit?

          1. Yeah, make a paste and scrub with it. If it’s really bad you could let it sit first.

    3. I make a paste of dish soap and baking soda, put that all over the caked-on spots, put a wet paper towel on top and let it sit until I remember ;), then scrub. You can also try scrubbing with half a lemon. Some people use paper towels wetted with vinegar, but that will stink.

    4. I use the self clean option on my oven.

       1. Proceed with caution. Those ovens get EXTREMELY hot during this process. A friend of mine actually had a kitchen fire caused by the self-cleaning function.

          1. Hmm, always works great for me.

          2. The high temperature is the point of the self-cleaning function.

          3. I have been told by two different appliance repair folks that it is not unusual for the heat of self-cleaning to permanently damage oven components. Why yes, I did need to replace my entire wall oven. Self-clean? Never again.

       2. Our appliance dealer warned against using the self-cleaning function as it gets hot enough to fry the electronics.
          This is specifically for a wall oven.

    5. I saw someone on instagram use a little handheld steamer to get the gunk out of her oven. Worked a treat.

16. My employer has started taking a really long time to give my 401k administrator (Fidelity) my retirement contributions. It sometimes takes up to two weeks after the money is deducted from my paycheck. It used to happen in 1-2 business days. Is there anything I can do? I googled and it seems like it may run afoul of DOL guidelines. It’s really frustrating and feels like I’m losing out on a lot of interest.

    1. Is your employer in danger of not being able to make payroll? Are they trying to save money on interest? Companies can have a revolving line of credit to make payroll and purchase necessary goods for production, which get paid back when their customers pay them. I think the turnaround time on those loans can be a couple of weeks. Your company might have decided to save money on the interest, or might not have qualified.

       1. No, it’s a huge company with thousands of employees that is doing very well. I think they’re just stingy b*stards.

    2. Yes, there is something you can do: rat them out to the DOL, specifically, EBSA. They HATE late contributions and will almost certainly send a letter to your employer. Have your pay dates and deposit dates ready, along with the name, EIN (the plan sponsor’s employer ID number) and PIN (plan identification number, probably 001 or similar) ready. You can get plan identifying information from the Summary Plan Description that you have received via hard copy or that is posted on your company’s intranet.

       1. How do I rat them out to EBSA? Just call the general complaint hotline?

          1. Yes. There is a general complaint hotline and an office in most states. To clarify, you want the federal DOL, of which the EBSA is a division. Not your state DOL, but there is an office in most states. EBSA’s website describes how to make a complaint.

       2. +1 this is exactly what you need to do. The IRS/DOL/EBSA takes contribution deposit timing VERY seriously and while the regs state something like they must be deposited “..as soon as possible..” they base that time frame on the past timing of deposits and how soon they get their payroll taxes deposited. This delay is exactly the type of violation that is not allowed.

    3. just reading this thread is making me antsy – my husband’s employer did this for YEARS — when he was about to quit we went through the paperwork to complain about what was still owed and realized there was ALSO a match that she had never made. so we basically asked her for $30,000. she has a very small staff (5 people maybe?) so we weren’t sure if the IRS guidelines would apply, and we wanted to remain on good terms with her. she paid everything, and has made it better by adding additional money (additional safe harbor matches? i forget), but it still bugs me. (also instead of letting him quit he now telecommutes and makes about 30k more than he would have in our new LCOL city.) i can never tell if his 401K is low for his age because of the delay, because the investment options suck, or what. he’s 45 and his 401K has about 360K in it; we’ve been maxing it since we got married 13 years ago.

       1. Average and median 401k balances for someone in your husband’s age bracket:

          45 to 54
          $142,069
          $48,301

          1. Right, but those people are not contributing nearly as much. I think it’s fair to be concerned if your money hasn’t grown like you feel it should.

       2. Even very small companies are subject to the same rules if they offer a 401k Plan.

       3. Small companies are also subject to the rules on timely contributions, but your husband’s employer would have a week from the pay date for employee contributions to be deposited into the plan. (Larger employers do not have this option.) Employer contributions are subject to different timing rules and can be contributed payroll-by-payroll or many months into the following year, depending upon a couple of factors I don’t have time to go into here. BUT, there is no reason your husband should be trying to reconcile years’ worth of contributions at one time. Check every pay period or every quarter for timely deposits of his contributions, and at least every year for employer contributions. His online account statement should show every purchase of new shares, and he should be able to match those to pay dates. Also, be aware of how employer contributions are calculated. All of that information is (or is supposed to be) in the plan’s summary plan description and in the plan document. If you can’t figure it out from either of those, ask. The whole point of employer contributions to a 401(k) plan is to benefit employees, so it is in the employer’s best interests to make sure employees understand what they are entitled to.

17. Looking for anecdata…

    I’ve been in consulting for about a decade and have realized it’s time to move on. I’ve been looking through LinkedIn to see where folks from my current company exited and noticed a lot, like 60%+, of women and people of color who left since 2019 did not start another role for at least 6 months to 2 years. I don’t see this trend outside of these demographics.

    A part of the reason I want to leave is related to burnout. I’ve been getting annoyed with myself for wanting a good chunk of downtime (honestly about a quarter) before starting something new. Is this just par for the course?

    1. Depending on your level, in my experience the higher the level the longer it takes to get a job. At my high mid-level, I see people take about 6-12 months to find a new job.

    2. Also in consulting. Does your firm offer paid transition time? If so it’s literally made for your situation.

    3. I am a huge proponent of taking time off between jobs. No other vacation is as relaxing as one where you don’t have a company email inbox filling up while you’re gone! If you are thinking of switching jobs due to burnout, and you are able to afford some time off, you should take as much time in between as you can to rest and relax! Why are you annoyed with yourself for that instinct?

       1. I am still bitter about the job I had to start Monday after finishing my two weeks on Friday. I was pretty junior so didn’t push back.

       2. THIS. If you’re genuinely burned out, you need down time. If you’re used to being a high-achiever and have a lot of identity tied up in your job performance, that side of you is probably annoyed with the rest of you for being so weak as to be burned out, and is giving you lots of false messages about bucking up and working harder and toughing it out. Don’t listen.

          Genuine burn out is solved by rest; it can have some long-term physical effects if you don’t give your body a chance to rest and reset.

18. Fun fashion request. Can anyone recommend a knee-high lug sole boot with a slim calf that doesn’t gap at the top of the boot? Bonus points if the shoe size runs narrow. I saw an outfit with the Ganni knee-high boots and a sweater dress at Tuckernuck, of all places, and am completely in love but don’t want to spend $600 to try out the look. All the boots I’m finding look baggy at the top when shown on a model or have wide calf circumferences.

    1. the stuart weitzman 50/50

    2. aqatalia

19. I have been exploring single parent by choice, with a known donor. After several rounds of tests, he is not viable and to proceed with this would require donor sperm. Does anyone who has done so or has researched this have advice on vetting and selecting a spermbank? I am nervous about it after reading things in the news in the past

    1. I don’t have personal experience with this, but sperm bank seems way less complicated than known donor if you want to be a single mom by choice.

    2. No experience of my own, but I know people who’ve become single parents w/ anon donors, and it’s worked out quite well. It can also be more straightforward legally than using a known donor, depending on state law. In my state, you have to actually go through the process to terminate parental rights of the donor if you don’t work through a licensed sp*rm bank.

    3. The kids will all find each other and him and his other relatives online eventually, so be prepared for that.

       A neighbor is a SMBC and did not seem to ever appreciate that it takes a village and she doesn’t have one. She keeps trying to rope my teens into things that are absurd to ask a child to do for her kid’s needs (her kid is in grade school, maybe 5-6 years younger than my kids).

       A friend is a SMBC and her whole family is on board (her mom and brother help a lot and moved to our city; they are the only grandkids) and it has worked out very well for her (in-house lawyer). Having a baby isn’t the hardest part — kids will get older and be at school, get COVID, have snow days, want to be on sports teams or in activities, etc. That is (per her) very very hard because it is always your turn. Do you travel for work or work late (late now >5, once you have kids, because they don’t fetch themselves from daycare).

       1. I don’t quite understand your comment about the village. How does someone build a village without reaching out to others? You seem very closed off to any form of connection with her and honestly quite judgy.

          1. OP on this — she is trying to lean on on neighborhood kids to pick her kid up from school, even though that is like a mile walk across a busy road. He could take the bus home and be a latchkey kid, but she wants him in the after school program. It’s not good to try to get a 13 year old to do this for a 9-year-old (and my older kid has a school with different hours, activities, and significant homework, so is not doing a 2-hour babysitting job each day after school). She needs a nanny. Parents of older girls in the neighborhood warned me about her and I think she’s burned her bridges with them and now I’m politely saying no all the time (I won’t give her my kids’ numbers, so she can’t ask them directly). I’m sure she didn’t appreciate all of this, but in some ways, the daycare year are the easiest in that you have only one stop in your car and every day is the same except for holidays; once they hit K, it all gets very complex, very fast. She could try to find allies with same-age-kids’ parents; that is likely to be the best place to find people eager to pitch in so that it’s not always their turn.

             1. We have a neighbor like this (two kids, she stays at home but works freelance, husband is a 1950s dad who ‘babysits’ his own kids). She can afford to hire help but prefers to get free childcare/pet care out of everyone else because her husband is oddly controlling about boarding the dog/hiring sitters. She also has local in laws but doesn’t get along with them for reasons.
                When people refuse after helping a few times she then bomards them with mean texts/school bus pickup rants/vague posts on FB about how nobody ‘supports working women’ and how ‘it takes a village but mine isn’t showing up!’. It goes without saying that she never offers to do anything for anyone else on the street.

             2. Weird to pin this on her being a SMBC.

             3. This sounds like a great part-time baby sitting job. But of course if your teen doesn’t want to do it, that’s that.

                Of course you know it is hard/expensive to have a nanny for this. People post about this every week on this site!

                The distain in your post for this women seems… cruel.

             4. As someone with older kids, I’ve been kind of surprised at some of the babysitting asks my eldest has received from people with younger kids. While I’m not opposed to the occasional school night job, asking a teenager to babysit for several hours after school each day is a lot, even for a kid who wants to work. They also want to pay way under minimum wage or the prevailing babysitting rates for adults.

             5. I drew the line at kids sitting overnight during the week. I was shocked that it was even asked. I wouldn’t go out of town overnight and leave my high schooler in charge of my middle schooler. Or do people actually do that?

             6. I feel so badly for the single mom who is the subject 11:34 and 12:06’s scorn. The neighbors gathered around and warned each other about this single mom in their neighborhood? What year is this?

                I will bet you all call yourselves Christians too. Sounds like just such a neighborhood.

             7. Yeah this drama sounds like a Liane Moriarty novel.
                I also don’t know anywhere in the US where a 9 year old can be a latchkey kid home alone every day after school for several hours. That would get CPS called on you where I live. It’s very different than leaving a 9 year old home alone briefly while you run an errand or something.

             8. Anon at 12:38, I have a neighbor like that as well – gets super mad on socials about how she has no support or “village” or whatever, but is a huge PITA who never reciprocates with kid stuff and is super judge-y about other people’s kids.

       2. My longer post is stuck in moderation, but this is definitely true. My daughter found a sibling online. Fortunately, she had known she was a donor kid her whole life so it was not an issue. One of the (many) reasons that honesty is important. Most of the donor kids I have seen who are very unhappy about the circumstances of their conception were not told about their origins, but that rarely happens with SMCs unless they also use a donor egg.

    4. My long term bestie is a single mother by choice. She chose a donor who looked enough like her that her two kids just look like their mom.

       She lives near family – moved across the country for a less expensive cost of living and to be near family – so she definitely has her village. She’s very happy being a single mom.

       1. This is what I’d recommend — there is a reason why divorced women and people with deployed spouses try to live near family (or get family to move to them) when there are kids involved and they work.

    5. You didn’t ask this question and I’m sure you’re considering this in your exploration (and I wish you luck) but literally every SMBC I know seems…not happy to put it mildly.

       1. I don’t think this is universally true. I have two good friends who are single moms, and they are both very happy. Kids are early elementary age.

          1. +1 I know someone who is a SMBC and is really happy. It seems like an overly broad generalization to me.

          2. I have several women friends who are single mothers by choice, using sperm donors. They are all doctors so they can afford to hire care, and all have Nannys. And they still struggle a lot to manage care, as do many two working parent families who post on this site.

             None of them regret their choice.
             They all live within their means / modest houses/cars/vacations etc… to afford what their child needs. Most do not have any family nearby who to help in significant ways. All have great friend networks. Neighbors in general are not helpful, or even that kind…

             1. TBH, as a married woman who has kids and works in a city where we have no family (if I could do over, would definitely change this), my SAHM neighbors have never been that helpful. They don’t see it as their job to help with my kids (not in a mean way, but they have their own set of problems). The best I can do is trade: where we have a common activity, I can offer to pick up from camp if she drives to camp; that sort of things. Otherwise, I imagine they see it as once it’s on the menu (and benefiting me), it’s not coming off, which I think is a fair fear.

       2. Hi – SMC here and I am very, very happy (and a member of the national organization, which is filled with women who are also very, very happy).

          OP – I conceived via donor insemination in my mid-30s. My daughter is now in her mid-20s. My two biggest pieces of advice are to connect with Single Mothers By Choice (the organization). If you are in a bigger city they probably have a local chapter and that is your best bet for advice on local resources and donor banks. Even if there is no local chapter, they have a very active online board.

          My second piece of advice is not to underestimate how much support you will need. That can be bought if you have the resources or it can be family/friends if they are willing and local. I moved back to the city my parents lived in (which as you will gather from my handle was not a hardship!) before my daughter was born because I knew my mother would be a wonderful, active and helpful grandparent.

          I am not going to lie to you. Some things were harder than they would have been if I had been partnered. I took a professional step back to have time to be an active parent. I remain single and did not really date. That said, there were also plenty of easier things, especially once I was past the baby stage. I never had to compromise my beliefs about child raising or worry about maintaining a relationship with another adult while I was working full time and raising my daughter.

          If you want more information, please let me know. I can post a burner email. Also, if you let me know where you live I can check on the resources available in your area.

       3. You’re right. She didn’t ask that question. I’m sure she has thought through what being a SMBC will look like.

          Literally every SMBC I know seems very happy and fulfilled. Most had their children later in their careers so they had more flexibility and money. Most also only have one. I’m sure that helps. In my circles, the moms who seem most unhappy and overwhelmed are the ones with multiple kids and current or former spouses who don’t pick up a lot of slack.

          Lack of village isn’t limited to single moms.

          1. I feel like a lot of SMBC people I know live in big cities away from where they are from and their families. They have jobs that they are senior in and a lot of financial resources. Where I see things fray is if they don’t throw $ at the problem: if men have SAHWs raising their kids, it’s likely because they need care from 9-5 and then 5-10 many nights and if they are on travel. That can be hard to see if you don’t already have kids or are friends with working moms (partnered or not). I didn’t appreciate it when my friends first started to have kids, but by the time I was 10 years out of school and my peers with kids had stepped back or dropped out of working, it’s wasn’t because they wanted to go to yoga but b/c it was so d*mn hard to be the primary parent. It’s so hard when it’s just you. It’s streamlined decision-making, to be sure, but it’s really tough when there is no one to come to your rescue b/c everyone else is also busy and frayed.

       4. I know a lot of single moms who are divorced and that is very hard — hard to date with kids, hard to work with kids, hard to see your friends. They often lean on family, often moving back to their home town or talking a parent into retiring to their city. How helpful the ex is varies — they could help financially, stick to their visitation schedule, take the kids in the summer, or none of the above. But being a SMBC is just rougher — if your car battery dies, it may be NBD if you are single and childless, but waiting for AAA to jump you to get to daycare and have your battery die again because you have to turn off the car when you go in is DefCon level 5 stress.

          1. In talking to my friends who are divorced, I have it easier as a single mother! I did not have to deal with split custody, fighting about holidays, child support, household rules, etc. Everything was my responsibility but that meant I could take care of it without having to consult anyone else or resent someone who should have been helping and was not. Instead, I had a network of family, people I paid and people I traded favors with (mostly mothers of kids the same age). I never had the car battery situation, but I was unable to make pick-up twice due to major freeway closures. I called a friend whose job was closer to the daycare and asked her to pick my daughter up.

             My friend was happy to do it because I had picked her daughter up, fed her dinner, and entertained her when my friend had a migraine, and her husband was traveling. One of the things that single mothers, mothers whose husbands travel, and mothers whose husbands are deployed learn fast is the necessity of doing favors for people because someday you will need a favor.

             1. I’m divorced with a kid and it would be SO much easier without the ex. Now that she’s older elementary, every conversation about ear piercing, sleepaway camp, new activities, necessitates a discussion with her dad, so I can never give her a clear yes or no or fully explain the reasoning behind a no because sometimes his reasons don’t make sense to her or me.

             2. I am also a SMBC and I agree wholeheartedly. I describe single vs partnered parenthood as differently, equally hard.

          2. I disagree. SMBC never have to deal with custody battles, deadbeat exes, all that bullshit. You don’t really know what you’re talking about 12:48.

             1. I’d say if you have a decent ex, then obviously it’s easier to have a co-parent. But 1,000% it’s easier to be on your own than to have a bad ex. Without question.

       5. Every single mom by choice I know is happy. Married moms not so much.

          1. Yeah, I was going to say…. I don’t think you can generalize either group, but if you’re generalizing, I would go the opposite way. I know a lot of married moms who think life would be easier if they didn’t have their manbaby husband around.

          2. Agree so hard!

          3. I still remember that when I was in the process of divorcing my first husband, SO MANY of the moms would sidle up to me in the first grade parking lot and say something like “If I could swing it financially, I’d totally be doing what you’re doing!”

       6. That’s not true in my experience. Also, I know plenty of parents with partners who are also unhappy!

    6. Friends I know have mostly selected on good looks. I mean why not?

       1. My SMBS universe went with donor height. Both are short women and did not want a boy to have their height genes. All kids turned out to be boys.

          1. Wow. That is such a a superficial way to choose. If a boy doesn’t grow tall, will he be a disappointment to his mother?

             1. Yes, obviously that’s why they made the decisions they did. They’ll hate their kids if they’re short. Duh.

             2. No, but it will be harder for him to play sports, get hired, get promoted, and find a spouse.

                Life isn’t fair. Why pretend it is?

             3. I mean, who really knows the guys coming in. You have to base this off something and height/looks are more easily confirmed than other metrics the men may claim. If a guy claims he’s smart and kind, how much verification is there really? If the guy has a degree from a great school, what does that really say about his broader personality?

          2. Intelligence is approximately as heritable as height. That would be a factor for me as well – not for some vague desire for “achievement” but because people with better cognitive processing tend to be safer throughout their lives.

       2. I’d select on complimentary looks. I did this accidentally. Both DH and I are maybe B-ish looking people. I’m tall, he’s medium-tall for a guy (we’re about the same height), but we both have dark features and light eyes. I have big eyes, he has long eye lashes and wavy hair. All of our kids are gorgeous- easily two tiers above us in the looks department. We get stopped on the street by people telling us the kids are so beautiful and are we the parents (we don’t look like them and they all look pretty similar).

       3. In terms of donor selection, I went for people who looked roughly like me (lighter hair and eyes) so my daughter would look like me/my family. I also went with tall (and ended up with a daughter almost exactly my height!)

          On a more serious note, I emphasized health. My donor had four living grandparents, no family history of mental illness or substance abuse, and no family history of the same diseases that run in my family.

          1. Last comment because I realized I did not answer your actual question (sorry): Talk to your RE or OB/GYN (whoever you are using for your insemination) about the banks they usually work with. They can ship anywhere but some are definitely easier to work with than others. California Cryobank is the big one on the west coast. My experience is too long ago to be helpful but your doctor and/or the SMC boards will have more recent information.

    7. If you have insurance coverage (Progyny will pay for sperm) look into that first. If not any of the big ones are fine. I did California cryobank, just picked a dude with my same ethnic background who seemed fine and moved on. Have lost no sleep about it. I wanted ID disclosure at 18.

20. I know I’m late to the thread, but have you considered that your anxiety and depression may be a perimenopause symptom? I hit menopause early, like at 46, and I dealt with major mental health stuff through my early and mid 40’s. I didn’t realize that it was likely hormone-related until I was through it.

    1. +1 to this, but also just midlife is really hard – there’s the Friend Dip, we’re not the spring chickens we used to be in terms of flexibility and so forth, and we’re more or less invisible to most people.

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