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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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Talbots has a plus-size option for $199 in sizes up to 24 (also available in misses and petites).
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- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
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- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Kate
A post yesterday about nonbillable time got me thinking. For those of you who are willing to make suggestions, do you cut down on nonbillable/non productive time? My examples:
– My firm is about 25% women, and the firm wants a woman on every committee. I like the idea, but that means some of us need to double up/serve on more things than the men.
– I’m regularly asked to serve on nonprofit boards on behalf of the firm. In 10 years, I haven’t gotten additional billable work or credit from this type of service. (And would probably rather serve on boards I personally care about the causes.)
– I’m in a tech-adjacent practice area, which means our firm Directors (not attorneys) want to run things past me. I love systems thinking and don’t always mind beta testing, but the time really cuts into my week/days.
Context if it matters- I’m a partner, ~15 years out of school, midsize regional law firm, firm pays purely based on a collections formula so no $$ credit for any time or hours bettering the firm. (People say thank you, but I want to limit this somehow)
Josie P
I am an equity partner and serve on 3 firm committees- this means that some of the committees (like the women’s committee) just don’t meet that often. I also cancel meetings willy-nilly if I am too busy (like the DEI committee if we don’t have anything pressing).
Nonprofit boards on behalf of the firm – absolutely not. I serve on the boards that I want to serve on.
Tech stuff – can you limit to once a month or a particular time every 2 weeks?
Anonymous
I am actually about to quit a job over this. I am nonequity and paid on a formula and my partners are increasingly leaning on me to spend my time on collections for which I get no origination credit. in other words, I get no pay for any of the time I spend on that and it is detrimental to my relations with their clients and my relations with them
Anonymous
Ask to split origination credit. Billing and client management is the originating attorney’s job. Their origination credit compensates them for this non billable stuff. I suspect they do this mostly to women because they see all women as de facto admin assistants. You’ll have to use your judgment on how forcefully you push back, but you should absolutely push back. Some examples:
– Some people routinely send me their bills to “review” ie prepare so I will review my own entries and send it back to them.
– If they ask me to send the bill to the client or follow up with the client about the bill, I forward it to their secretary (cc originator) with a see below request could you please handle.
– If I get strong armed into talking to a client about a bill then I’ll tell the client, partner wanted me to check in with you about the bill so why don’t you give him a call when you have a chance. Same if the client calls me with questions about the bill, sorry I’m not able to handle that you should call originating attorney. And if all else fails, weaponized incompetence – oh gosh I’m just so bad at collections! If only our firm had a department that was in charge of finances.
– one very senior important partner told his client to contact me to get me to find people to do their work. The work was not in my practice area, I couldn’t do the work or even effectively oversee the work. My firm has practice group chairs who are tasked with doing this sort of thing, btw. I was an associate when this started so I didn’t realize how inappropriate this was, and by the time I did, it had been going on for years. One of the client reps moved to a new company and wanted to use our firm for the same type of work. At the same time, important partner was off ramping and passed his book to his right hand man. I asked to split OG credit for the new client and – nope! Ok cool so I will not be spending my nonbillable time begging people I don’t work with to do one off assignments for your clients, you’ll need to contact the practice chairs for that. We’re not continuing this for multiple generations. He was SUPER mad. In all the years I did this, I never once got a billable assignment in my own practice area. I truly do not care if you’re mad at me. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t make everyone happy.
Anonymous
I mostly push back or do the “other partner wanted me to talk to you about the bill, direct questions to him” but I really am about to quit so I don’t care that much. It will all be different in my next gig.
Anon
I would absolutely transition the boats to and strong senior associate – I understand why the firm wants the reputational benefit but who participates is totally fungible, and someone who wants to make partner will likely be interested in doing that for the firm.
Anon
Nonprofit boards … not boats.
Anon
There’s always going to be a disconnect between what the firm wants you to do and what actually makes sense for you to do. As a woman partner, I’d push back on the BS committee assignments and challenge whether you even need all the committees in the first place. No way would I serve in a board I wasn’t interested in either. The only thing that really matters at your work is clients/a book and billable/collectables. I’d cut everything that doesn’t feed into those KPIs.
Anon
I think you need to decide how many hours you’re willing to spend on non billable stuff and tell that to firm leadership. (If you’re not already, I’d track how much time you spend for next few months so you can make a case that you’re spending upwards of 15 hours a month or whatever). Then say you’re willing to do X hours, and either you propose how that works or you ask them if they’d like you to prioritize a particular committee or the tech stuff or something else.
People are taking advantage of you being a nice and helpful person . You don’t need to make a big thing about it but you do need to set a boundary and enforce it going forward or this pattern will continue.
And honestly if your firm wants a woman on every committee they can hire more women.
Anonymous
I was going to suggest something similar. The next time they ask you to take on a new leadership position, tell them of course you’re so happy to do that but your plate is currently full so you would need to resign from one of your current positions to accommodate the new one, which one are they willing to take you off of?
Anonymous
I dealt with this by deciding how much I wanted to do, and what I enjoyed doing, and then nicely saying No to everything else. The script is: Thank you for asking, I would love to get involved, but I have already committed my time to Another Committee/a different charitable group.
Anon
+1
Anon
If the firm wants partners to do these things, it needs to give $$ credit for them. Years ago, I read the San Francisco Bar Association glass ceiling pledge, and (at least at the time) it had a lot of good suggestions on this point. If it’s still up, it might be worth sharing with your firm’s executive committee.
The No Club
This is the exact topic of the book “The No Club.” I recommend checking it out, you may find it helpful.
Your third bullet really stands out to me – it sounds like the firm staff is tasking you with doing their job, i.e. testing out tech systems and making sure they work and fulfill the firm’s needs? Just because your clients are vaguely tech-related? Absolutely not. Would they impose on a male partner’s time in this way? If this was a passion of yours and you wanted to spend time on it, fine, but since you see it as a waste of time, STOP!
Say something very simple, with no excuse, like, “Hi Mabel, thanks for reaching out but unfortunately I don’t have bandwidth to take a look at this. Best, Kate.” If you use a specific excuse (“I’m slammed this week!”) that just invites them to push back. (“No worries, we don’t need this until the end of the month!”)
Anon
Seems to me you need to talk to your fellow partners. Having a woman on every committee is probably a DEI goal for them, but you have so few women it means women are essentially taking a pay cut in order to achieve the goal. Then committee work becomes a pink collar ghet to, which it has always been. (Are you asked to be the note-taker?)
There needs to be some sort of adjustment in compensation to make this work. The math isn’t mathing here.
Anonymous
If each committee has at least 4 members and one of them is a woman, then the math works out that men are pulling their weight.
Anon
No that doesn’t seem to be working for OP if you read her post. Women need to serve on multiple committees because they don’t have enough women. That’s double unpaid for those women compared to the men.
Anonymous
I think you have to be ruthless about saying no. I am an equity litigation partner at a large law firm. My firm compensates on “total contribution” so I get compensated for committee service, beta testing, etc. But if I were at a firm that paid purely on collections, I would ruthlessly say no to the nonprofit boards, extra committee service, beta testing, etc. The alternative is that you change the partnership agreement so that you give credit for these kinds of activities. But what you’re doing is unfair and unsustainable.
Anon
I have one elbow that is getting thicker with longer wiry brow hairs. Other brow has a receding hairline and thin hairs. 40s. Anyone else? I just want symmetry! If I go into a coma, I don’t want to hear people talking about my one Jason Kelce eyebrow; I have some good friends on standby to come help with grooming if that should ever happen.
BeenThatGuy
I had a girlfriend that was in a coma for 30 days. When she woke up, after being grateful for being alive, she was angry that no one was plucking the stray hairs from her face! Like you OP, I have folks lined up to do this for me, just in case.
Cora
Imagine you plucked out a hair and that woke her up out of the coma
LizzieBennet
Like true love’s kiss in a fairytale
Lifer
Tinkle razors….
Anon
I have a deal with my two besties that we will pluck each other’s chin hairs for each other if we’re ever in a state where we can’t do it ourselves.
Anonymous
They should seriously offer this as a service you can pay for with the hospital. Lord knows I’ve paid $$$ for healthcare services that weren’t nearly as important to me. Kidding only sort of.
Cat Adoption
I read elbow and was so confused, lol.
Anonymous
Eyebrow!!!
Anon
Same! And then felt ashamed at myself for laughing at the mental image of this poor OP with their one thick, hairy elbow who was brave enough to admit it here and ask for advice.
Anon
I really want pics of that if true!
Anon
I’m also laughing about the hairy elbow. Just one hairy elbow too!
Anon
That would bother me too! Solidarity with OP. Must make dating awkward.
Anonymous
i don’t know if mine aren’t symmetrical but i have found that the older you get the more important eyebrows are for your face — without a good brow product i look much older and more haggard.
Anon
Have any of your families put a spendthrift trust in place because a family member had issues (drug addiction, mental health issues, ability to just p*ss away money they needed to live on)? Did they do it for just that family member (creating drama) or all (maybe creating other drama)? And with third party trustees or family?
In our family there are two batches of kids, one of whom is Not OK at times. If there is a CLE on PLI with war stories or things to think through with family dynamics, that would be helpful. I went to law school but 1000% do not deal with this at my job.
Anonymous
I know nothing about trusts, but just wanted to say that I’m sorry your family is in this position. It sounds hard.
I would add that perhaps the idea of “creating drama” by doing this isn’t helpful. The drama (aka brokenness, poor choices, mental illness, emotional damage, addictions, lack of maturing, etc.) already exists. The bad reactions and intense emotions related to money WILL happen. The question is simply how and when, and is there a way to be wise and kind in the face of it all.
Cat
+1
also, I’d suggest dealing with the struggling kid individually rather than applying the same rules to all. This is the personal-life equivalent of a company deciding, like, all PTO schedules have to be approved by management at least 2 months in advance, because one person constantly takes off last minute.
Anon
OTOH since this could happen to anyone and at any time (OxyContin addict after back surgery in your 30s, litigious ex, mental illness), should spendthrift be the default and not the exception if you are not giving money outright?
In our family, the middle kid cousin was fine until she wasn’t (joined an organization I think of as a cult, gave away her money to them, has a condition that makes her finances precarious because she often gets fired and can’t drive) and my aunt and uncle don’t want her living on the streets or siblings feeling like they have to take her in.
Anonymous
I have a stepbrother with mental illness and he is treated differently in the wills. But the parents are alive, and he doesn’t know anything about it, so no drama yet.
I am definitely bracing for drama, though, as I have recently learned he has been “practicing law” in another country and plans to read the law to get a license in the US. He was bragging to me about coming home to help a friend pursue some outlandish legal theories in a magistrate court hearing in a state he had never before visited. Trying to break a will sounds par for the course with him and history suggests he will make some very colorful, defamatory (and wholly irrelevant) allegations to try to do so.
Anon
That is why in terrorem clauses exist. If he challenges the Will, he’s disinherited.
Anon
Don’t people just challenge that also and then endlessly appeal and refile? There is a woman in my town who is a frequent filer in our courts (to the point that she now has a gating order lodged against her) and she has sued everybody, including the “class moms” in her kid’s elementary school (and they found out that there is no insurance coverage for roles like that b/c they aren’t school employees). So I’m never serving as class mom or believing that you can stop people from suing even if baseless because some people are evil and others are beyond unhinged.
Anon
WTAF to that woman!!
Seventh Sister
OMG, suing the class moms…I’m so glad my kids are out of elementary. I hope the case was dismissed and the woman was sanctioned (though knowing what I know about vexatious litigants she’s probably judgment proof).
My kids are a tween and a teen and our local unhinged community member is now saying all over social media that if you don’t support a school bond, you don’t care about the safety of your kids. I’m getting scared she’s going to make a false report to CPS because my spouse and I have had the temerity to ask questions about the bond.
Anon
In theory, but in reality, it deters people. Your choices are (1) take what you have under the Will, or (2) spend money to get cut out of it.
Vexatious litigants can be sanctioned, and I think in extreme cases and depending on state law, can be required to obtain court permission before filing a lawsuit.
Anonymous
Seventh Sister – as someone trying to pass a school funding measure in our woefully underfunded education system, I’m really interested in your skepticism about the bond. Acknowledging that all politics are local, can you share more about your concerns? It’s helpful for me to get the perspective of the opposition.
Seventh Sister
The plan for the bond is…basically no plan. The only description of the intended projects are a bunch of old web pages full of catchphrases like “improve buildings” or “update learning centers.” There are some drawings online, but it’s not clear what buildings will be improved or demolished and on what schedule. The plans also anticipate several cascading bonds to take care of all of the intended projects, all of which have to be approved by the residents. I’m not a huge detail person, but there’s a difference between “no detail” and “enough detail.”
The district’s highest administrative positions are staffed on a revolving-door basis, so I don’t expect any of the people who are there now to be around when anything breaks ground if the bond is passed. The members of the school board are openly hostile to residents, condescending, and change their stories constantly about what is anticipated and what will happen with respect to this bond (as well as school safety, academics, and virtually anything that is their purview). I wouldn’t trust any of these people any further than I could throw them.
In the extremely unlikely (but certainly possible) scenario that we live in the same town, please, please, PLEASE don’t take this to mean that I have decided to oppose the bond, or vote against it, or try to dissuade people from voting for it. I have kids in the schools and am worried about speaking out for fear of retaliation. Some of the bond’s supporters have been doing things like doxxing people who have publicly opposed the bond.
Anonymous
How does the kid who needs the trust feel about it? Whose money is going in the trust?
My sister is bipolar, but fairly stable. She has ungodly credit card debt that churns my stomach to know about, but she can also hold down a job. She makes about 80k yet lives paycheck to paycheck and often runs negative in a pretty LCOL area and a pretty bare bones lifestyle. She’s 36 and has no major savings or retirement of any kind, just wild impulse buys, panics and throws $$$$ at situations others would get through with only $, and is just generally bad with money and always has been. She still has some student loans (she didn’t have much and she’s made a decent salary for a long time), which doesn’t help, but I had more loans and a lower salary and knocked them out before I turned 30.
Anon
My BIL has bipolar I and sounds like your sister. He will go out and drop $5K in a weekend, and he also gets psychotic episodes of hearing and seeing things requiring hospitalization. He can’t keep a job either and has caused my sister so many issues.
But FWIW, your sister making $80K is significantly more than the national average of $59K (and more than my BIL has ever made). No savings is also sadly typical-the majority of Americans also don’t have $500 savings to cover an unexpected car or medical bill.
anon
Not sure if this is exactly what you’re looking for, but I have the printed materials from a 2018 Heckerling presentation on “Methods for managing difficult beneficiaries” which includes “techniques for working with beneficiaries who face mental health or substance abuse challenges, autism spectrum and other executive functioning disorders”, and I can email those to you if you post a burner account.
In my experience the difficult child always knows why the trust has been created even if they do not agree with it, and so a difference in treatment across the beneficiaries is not completely unexpected.
Anonymous
Spitfirewench at the mail of g
anon
Sent!
Naomi
Is this for family money or just that one kids money? If its just the kids money why does it matter if you only do it for them? If they have all these issues all the kids know so it won’t be a surprise to do this just for that person.
Anon
I think all the questions you have are really good ones, and a trust lawyer in your state (who would need to set up the trust anyway) will be able to guide the family on the pros and cons.
Anon
IDK — I feel that a lot of people who set them up don’t see them road-tested over decades. [Like in my area, I read litigation even though I’m not a litigator because it’s all drafting pointers to improve what I do. OTOH employment law cases scare the crap out of me.] The only people I know who draft special needs trust and have seen them in action deal mostly with kids with Down Syndrome vs the Difficult Beneficiary scenarios. On the other end of the trust spectrum are rich families with dynasty trusts where they know in utero that everything is tied up in a trust for all family members and it will always be that way and there will always be enough money so there is no reason to fuss. This is a space where I am not sure people think of the example above where someone thinks they are a lawyer and will likely bring some drama, especially if they are treated differently.
Anon
I didn’t read the OP’s question as the relative being a lawyer, though I did see that with another commenter.
Maybe I’m lucky, but most of the lawyers I practice with have a general knowledge of their own speciality and what seems to work and not work. Especially if you go to a firm with both litigators and non litigators.
Anonymous
When my grandmother dies my brother will get a spendthrift trust. He has no idea and I’m sure finding out will cause an outburst rage tantrum. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s any other way around it, my brother has impulse control and entitlement issues, if grandma gave him access to all the money it would be pissed away in months. It really sucks we have to basically parent a grown man but it’s his choice not to get mental health help.
Anon
My family is big on setting up trusts for sick or spendthrift kids. IMHO, the drama is a secondary issue; the primary issue is that it is a terrible idea to give a drug addict or spendthrift that kind of money outright. They blow through it and crash hard when it’s all gone.
Get a trustee with a stiff backbone. Do what makes sense for each beneficiary.
Anonymous
We have a generic provision that takes decision making authority out of the hands of anyone who doctors certify is not competent to handle his or her affairs due illness or addiction. You don’t know when you set these things up who may need the management, one of us might get dementia, the person with substance abuse issues may pull it together, etc.
anon18
In my family, the parents created a spendthrift trust for the Not Okay sibling and allowed the other sibling to inherit directly. The arrangements were discussed openly when they were drafted with minimal drama. The Not Okay sibling is a nice guy who has the impulse control of a 17 year old and is aware of his shortcomings, so I think he was unsurprised. The spendthrift expires when the Not Okay sibling turns 35, which is now right around the corner, and the parents are thankfully still alive and well. Therefore, I can’t speak to how the spendthrift would have been received once it’s active.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. In my situation, the planning phase weighed heavily on the parents’ hearts and minds because they wanted to balance protecting the Not Okay sibling with not further alienating him. Once they moved into action, it all came together quickly and was frankly a non-issue.
anon
Legal issues aside, your parents actually have to be willing to treat this kid differently. I’ve suggested this for my brother but my mom is completely unwilling to admit to herself that he and I have different abilities to handle money. Therefore her will just divides everything equally. I’ve given up on it. If he blows through it, that’s ultimately on 1) him and 2) my mom for being in denial.
anon
I am looking for a new job and am having some massive impostor syndrome issues/real fear around basic things like responding to warm intros, having coffee chats etc. I’m a very high achieving professional in my mid 30s and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Anyone else experienced this?
anon
A new job can kick impostor syndrome into high gear, even if you haven’t experienced it in awhile. Dig into the specific reasons why. Fear of failure? Fear of being judged or not being liked? It can be so individual. Before these events, try to calm your body with deep breathing. Remind yourself that you’re a capable professional and have skills to offer. And honestly, it also might take a little fake it ’til you make it.
Now, if there is something about the environment that’s putting you on edge, that’s a different conversation.
Nina
I just think “have the confidence of a mediocre man”. Would the most annoying man you know have any hesitations about intros / chats / etc? You’re obviously not trying to emulate this annoying person, but if they would give themselves XYZ advantages you better have them too.
Mantra Magic
Agree with this. There are studies that show that these mediocre men apply for jobs when they meet 60% of criteria whereas women think they need to meet 100%. My favorite coffee mug says “Lord give me the confidence of a mediocre white man.” It helps to have a mantra to counteract these negative thoughts to help reprogram your brain.
Anon
Yes, I find that stuff difficult, too. It helps to pretend that everyone is bad at it.
Anonymous
I think most of the time people are actually bad at it. The ones who are good at it are the ones who kept doing it despite being bad at the beginning.
Anon
I think people perceive me as a confident person. Sometimes I am just faking it, but I’m good at faking it! I should take to the stage.
Anon
Practice with a friend.
anon
Ooh. Not sure that particular colorway would be my best, but it is lovely. This would be a great winter-to-spring transition piece.
Anon
The colour is weird yes, I’m not a fan but see others might like it.
Anon
Does anyone take magnesium? I keep reading about the benefits of it, but I’m not sure where to start. It seems there are a couple of different forms of it (magnesium glycinate, magnesium citrate, etc.). What kind do you take? What time of day do you take it?
Anon
I took it under the direction of my PCP to address a temporary issue and was glad to go off it. I don’t recall exactly which form the PCP recommended but I made sure to follow that advice since whatever form it was is the one that was supposed to be most readily usable by my bod. I remember it was an oily liquid inside a hard purple capsule, one of which was guaranteed to have broken inside the container, and taking it gave me the runs. I was glad when I could stop taking it.
I suggest checking with your PCP before just throwing supplements at yourself.
Anonymous
Yeah, a few years ago my mother became convinced she needed to stop eating gluten due to frequent diarrhea. Years later, she was miraculously cured of her “gluten intolerance” when she stopped taking so much magnesium. So watch the dosage if you try it. I believe she was taking it to help with calcium absorption as she has osteopenia.
Veronica Mars
Your doctor can run a blood panel and check your magnesium levels. I thought for sure I’d be deficient a number of years ago, but I turned out to be totally fine. I’m now taking it for leg spasms. I take both magnesium citrate and glycinate currently. My doctor said glycinate is more easily absorbed but I figure it doesn’t really matter (both pills combined equal the recommended daily allowance).
Anon
I don’t think medicine really has a blood panel that can exclude a magnesium deficiency. That’s one reason they often work on adequate intake goals. I think it’s a little like calcium where if it were low in your blood that would be kind of a big deal? (I don’t remember all of what he said, but an internist told me this after seeing that my primary care doctor had run a test to check my magnesium levels and had told me they were fine after an endocrinologist had said I was low based on a physical exam; he said the endocrinologist was right.)
Anon
This is my understanding as well. It’s like calcium, where most of it is in your bones or elsewhere in your body, so you only end up with low levels in your blood if you’ve had severely low levels for a long time or a metabolic problem that affects the amount in your blood, which isn’t necessarily related to whether you should take a supplement but more a symptom of a problem that needs fixing.
Anon
I should add, though, that just because your blood levels aren’t low doesn’t mean some people can’t benefit. I’m generally supplement skeptical, but I posted below that I take magnesium for m*graine, and there’s decent evidence for that. Clearly it would help with constipation and some other muscle issues too.
Anon
Yes. I take magnesium potassium aspartate in the morning and magnesium glycinate at night. I have an individual medical reason for the former though. The latter I think is quite popular as a general sleep aid. So I guess I wonder what benefits were you hoping for? I feel the main pitfall to avoid is laxative formulations (you’re not trying to do bowel prep! I’ve had doctors who didn’t seem to understand this distinction) and to be aware that some forms like magnesium threonate are quite low in actual magnesium (so if you’re hoping to improve your vitamin D levels or something like that, they might not have enough).
A dietician is the medical provider who can assess whether our intake of essential nutrients is adequate for health and what to do about it if it’s not. If you’re hoping to use magnesium as a muscle relaxant (or to substitute for something like Miralax!) that’s more of a physician issue.
Anon
What are you looking to take it for? I take citrate or oxide for constipation. You might want to take another form like glycinate if that is not your issue.
Anon
I take magnesium glycinate with dinner. Right now I’m using a MegaFood brand one, but I buy basically different ones at different times. I had a low level on a blood test and I have neuropathy in my feet, and I have heart disease. I’m not sure it actually helps anything.
Anon
My doctor had me pair magnesium with benfotiamine for neuropathy. I also just buy whichever brand seems like a good deal at the time!
Anon
Is neuropathy only with diabetes? Sometimes I get extreme foot pain like pins and needles. It can happen after a single exercise class, and I’ve tried different shoes and orthotics. Google suggested neuropathy. I mentioned it to my doctor who did a full blood workup, and I don’t have pre diabetes or actual diabetes. So my doctor shrugged it off as the wrong shoes…
Anon
No, it has dozens of potential causes.
Anonymous
My husband takes it under the direction of a physician. +1 to getting a panel that checks your levels. It has made both of our lives easier as he no longer spends hours in the bathroom and he can fall asleep in under an hour.
Anon
I take it as prescribed by neurologist for chronic migraine. It helps a bit with that, but I haven’t noticed any other changes, except for the well known laxative effects (even with glycyinate, though it’s not terrible).
Anon
Only sometimes instead of melatonin or CBD at night to sleep. I’d be wary of taking it anytime not close to bed.
anon
I just started taking Magnesium Glycinate a couple weeks ago for sleep issues, and it’s been helping a lot. Fewer 3 a.m. wakes and I can get back to sleep easier when I do wake up.
Anon
I take it to aid with sleep, and restless legs. It definitely works. But you have to be careful not to get the one that causes diarrhea (I think that is Mag Citrate) if that is not your problem.
Here is the one I take and it’s been great:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00O2T209E/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o03_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anon
I take magnesium glycinate (not bisglycinate which is magnesium chelate) at night about an hour before bed. It helps me get to sleep faster and I find it makes my anxiety spike less (so, still spikes, but not as extreme).
Exhausted dog parent
My husband and I adopted a senior dog at the beginning of the pandemic. He is a sweet little thing who turned out to have a been abandoned multiple times, has a host of issues and severe separation anxiety that nothing – no training, no drugs – has fixed. For the last 4 years, he has never not had a human in the same house wifh him. This dog also has a knack of bothering my husband whenever he needs to concentrate (ie for work). We’ve been throwing money / time at the problem- pet sitters so that he never has to be alone, I would hang out with this dog in one room while my husband needs to work / relax without the dog bothering him in the other.
I’m pretty tired. The thing is, despite the anxiety, I believe this dog has a very high quality of life… he’s eats the best foods, goes for multiple walks ago, is never without a human, has excellent medical care… at the expense of our quality of life and marriage!
We considered giving him back about 6 months after adoption because he was just so needy and it was not improving, but then I thought, let’s try drugs. Drugs did not help. And now 4 years later, I do feel like it’s not responsible for me to give him back. I can’t imagine many other families who would basically rearrange their lives like we did. But my husband has told me more than once that this dog severely decreased his quality of life and our marriage, and actually pushed him from 90% no kids to 200% no kids.
We feel a strong sense of responsibility and care for him a lot, but at what point so we say – no more? He is 14… and at the quality of care we give him, our joke is that he’s going to live to 20. I don’t know if I can live for 6 more years Ike this..
Anon
A dog is a commitment for their life. They are a member of your family. It would be horribly cruel to abandon a senior dog.
anon
I agree with this, but you could rehome him to a home that will love him and is a better setup for your dog. finding a new home for him doesn’t have to mean abandoning him.
Anon
It’s extremely difficult to re-home senior dogs.
Anon
Senior dogs with behavioral issues are very hard to find homes for. It would probably be easier to sponsor him at some kind of rescue or sanctuary than to find a new adopter.
Anon
If the situation is truly untenable, euthanasia is a better option than attempting to rehome at this point. Owners are deluding themselves if they think there is a home out there for elderly dogs with substantial behavioral issues. Euthanasia is kinder for the dog, but the owner can’t convince themselves that the dog is in a happy home somewhere else. It’s tough, but that’s the reality.
Anon
I don’t see how euthanasia is a kindness for an animal that is happy when its needs are met? I think the question is whether this dog’s needs can be met.
If they’re spending a lot of $ on training and pet sitters, it is possible they can afford kenneling or space in a sanctuary, or a “seniors for seniors” home placement (where the sponsorship covers food and veterinary, but the dog lives in a new home that’s better suited).
anecdata
I think the point that Anon at 11:40 is making is that it is very very unlikely they’ll be able to find a better home for this dog (esp. given OPs assessment that they’ve already done more than most families would be willing/able to)
Anonymous
Spoken like someone who actually has no idea just how many senior dogs are never rehomed. And now imagine how a dog like this will do in this scenario given his severe anxiety.
Anon
This. Also, you could just not do some of the things you’re doing, like leave him home for a while while you go out and that would still be much better for the dog than rehoming at this point in its life.
Anon
This is the solution. What your dog wants and what your dog needs are different things.
anon
This is the solution. What your dog wants and what your dog needs are different things.
anon
Or maybe you’re saying the opposite and I’m not understanding?
Anon
Huh? The response says the opposite. They should go out and leave the dog home alone.
Anon
I am not sure I really understand why they can’t crate the dog and go out to dinner. (What happens other than the dog feeling anxious? Why does the dog always get his way?) Maybe I don’t understand the severity of the problem though.
Anon
I suggested the exact opposite of that actually if you read the comment.
The No Club
PP is saying OP and her husband SHOULD go out, and if the dog is upset, oh well. Crate the dog to limit the damage they can do to the house while they’re gone. I agree.
anecdata
Yes, you can (and should!) prioritize your marriage, and the quality of life of the human beings in your household, over a dog
anon
I love dogs. We own multiple dogs and I have gone to great lengths to address a dog’s behavioral issues and needs in the past (in my case, aggression). That being said, dogs are for humans, not humans for dogs. Your marriage and your quality of life has to come first. I think you have a couple of options: you can try a behaviorist (if you haven’t already), or you can contact rescue organizations to see if he can be rehomed with someone who is (for example) retired and not super active or otherwise has a lifestyle where they’ll be home a lot and really want a constant companion like this.
Anon
Respite care, just like for an elderly relative, except in the case of your dog, that can mean a nice boarding kennel for a week. I spent many, many years working in vet clinics and whatnot and even the most neurotic dogs tend to be stimulated enough by the other animals and activity that they mostly just hang out in their kennel.
I would also continue with training – Susan Garrett’s methods are really good, but you need to be consistent and it takes, well, as long as it takes… but it’s positive and also helps continue to build the relationship with your dog.
Anonymous
Have you tried having him go out to doggie daycare instead of having a pet sitter come in?
What about co- pet parenting with another family? One of my coworkers does this with her mom’s dog who needs more activity than her mom can provide. Dog lives at her mom’s house during the week and her house on weekends.
Anon
Please throw money at training with a legitimate behaviorist and not pet sitters. This dog has spent years having its dysfunctions reinforced and there is not going to be a quick fix, but your own quality of life and your marriage are far more important than this dog’s happiness.
Anon
I’m sorry, OP. We also have a dog with serious separation anxiety. Ours is younger and we did actually manage to make it better through a mix of drugs and training, but for about three years we never went anywhere without a petsitter lined up, and it’s really exhausting. But honestly, no one is going to adopt a difficult 14 yo dog. Unless you know someone who will give him a good home, I would try to wait it out until he starts exhibiting medical issues, then consider putting him down humanely. Depends on the breed, but most dogs are very unlikely to live to 20.
Anon
Is it a chihuahua? My husband and I have an extremely neurotic 15 year old chihuahua that we swear is going to live until 20.
Anon
Haha. I love neurotic chihuahuas. I hope they’re not completely miserable but I just love the way their neuroses manage to boss around humans 20-30 times their size.
Anon
We really loved ours before we had kids. We even took her on most of our vacations with us (she did ok on planes, because we were close). But after having a human baby,it was hard not to see her as more of a burden than a joy. We are not rehoming her because it seems like a cruel thing to do to an elderly dog, but we no longer cater to her as much (e.g., we just stick her with a dog sitter when we travel) and I don’t want to replace her when she dies.
Anon
A friend of mine has a dog with the same issues, and nothing has helped after years of trying. They just cage the dog and he has to deal with it. There really is nothing else you can do. I know this sounds harsh but it is impossible to get someone to be there every time you leave the house!
Anon
I’m the serious anxiety poster above. It’s not always that easy – out dog would howl for hours, which caused issues with the neighbors. And there are records of really anxious dogs getting seriously injured trying to escape the crate, so our vet actually advised against a crate for us. What worked for us was threshold training + daily anxiety meds (basically prozac) at a pretty high dose at first. We’re actually weaning from the meds now, but the training didn’t stick until the meds kicked in.
Anon
I thought they made special crates for situations like this. I’m glad the training and meds worked though; that’s a better outcome!
dog mama
From a moral perspective, I think you reached the point at which you could have said “no more” long ago. We have put tons of time, energy, and money into allowing our pets to extend their golden years as comfortably and happily as possible (see: pushing a huge dog in a stroller so he can still go to his favorite parks). But we would humanely euthanize a dog if he was impacting our marriage to the extent your dog is.
In case you haven’t already tried these methods, here are some suggestions. What happens if you put the dog in a high anxiety crate (don’t leave anything in the crate so he can’t ingest it and take his collar off) and leave? When you say that you’ve tried drugs, are you talking about daily low doses or a high dose for an anxiety-inducing event? We’ve drugged dogs for fireworks, and they are so out of it that they wouldn’t even notice if we left the house. Have you tried sending the dog to boarding and/or day care? Have you worked with a dog trainer? A good trainer can work wonders.
Exhausted dog parent
We had one instance where the pet sitter had an emergency and had to leave 2 hours before we got home. The dog barked for 30 min then cried for the rest of the time. Nonstop. We’ve tried trainers, Prozac, Trazodone, Gabapetine, Adaptil collar, CBD… you name it we probably tried it. As he’s gotten older, he’s also become extremely hard to pill. We have to cut up his pill into tiny little bits and wrap it individually in cheese or ham for him to take them.
Also, fireworks?! We rent a place out of town specifically for firework events so he don’t have to deal with the noises.
Anon
Are you saying he’s only making noise? No soiling or destruction? That’s the perfect setup for counterconditioning – there are several good positive reinforcement approaches (I mentioned Susan Garrett earlier but there are others) and the key is consistency and time.
Also, relax…. it sounds like you’re doing everything at the whim of the dog (you can just poke pills down a dog’s throat; they will be fine) and that’s not necessary. He can deal with some inconvenience from time to time, too.
dog mama
As others have said, when a dog is 14 and has behavioral issues, your options are likely going to be (1) coming up with a solution that works for you in your home, (2) humanely euthanizing him, or (3) surrendering him to a shelter where he will be stressed for a few days running out his adoption period and then humanely euthanized. There’s absolutely no shame in option #2 if you’ve done what you can to pursue option #1. I’d be happy to help you brainstorm ideas for option #1. Can you describe what he does when left home alone and any limiting factors you have to work around? For example, is he destructive to your home? Does he ingest things? Do you have nearby neighbors who will be disturbed if he’s noisy? Does your lease/HOA permit you to have a second dog?
On the pill front, have a vet tech show you how to shove a pill into the back of his mouth and make him swallow it. Pill pockets, cheese, wet food, etc. are good first courses of action, but you do what you need to do if a dog won’t cooperate.
Anonymous
I love dogs. I have dogs. I’ve had Difficult Dogs. I also have kids.
Honestly…who cares if the dog barks for 30 minutes and cries the rest of the time? Do you have neighbors complaining? If not, just…let him bark. If neighbors are an issue, see if you can crate him in a basement or closet or somewhere.
If you rehome him / take him to a no kill shelter, that’s what they will do. Shelters don’t have people there overnight. It’s probably hard to hear, but you won’t really be doing him any better by bringing him to a shelter.
Do not rent a place out of town for the dog. Stick him in a thunder shirt, move on.
Anon
All of this. The dog will eventually learn that the crate doesn’t mean abandonment, you getting groceries doesn’t mean abandonment, etc. Start small but consistently (maybe every morning, you and DH go for a half hour walk while Fido goes into the crate) and work up from there. Lots of attention before and after.
Anon
I posted before about our situation with a beloved cat who we decided to euthanize due to extreme behavior issues that drugs, etc couldn’t help. I do not say this lightly but it does sound like this is something you might consider. Like you, the situation was taking over our lives, finances and causing so much stress. Sending you hugs – it is not easy.
anon
Have you tried working with a professional trainer/behavioralist? Even if you can’t cure the separation anxiety when you leave the house, a behavioralist should be able to help you with strategies for keeping the dog relaxed and out of your hair while you’re in the house. Crate training is a god send.
Anonymous
Where do you live, and does the dog get along with other dogs? Normally I don’t advocate for rehoming via internet but…my parents are looking for a senior dog and honestly would be ideal caretakers for this dog. My dad is sick, and really misses having a dog. He wants a dog to walk a few times a day and hang out with him at home all the time. My parents had a SUPER needy dog that my dad loved, who passed away a few years ago.
When they travel, they would likely leave the dog with me as I have another dog, so the “friendly with other dogs” would be key.
Anonymous
If you search “senior dog rescues” into Facebook there are rescues that would be perfect for your parents. Forgotten Dogs (out of Seattle) has the most adorable 5 year old dog at the top right now.
Trixie
Well, this is tough…but you have options. I’ve had 4 dogs, and eventually none of them liked to be left alone. I would first try putting the dog in a large crate–plenty of room, cozy blankets, with a dose of valium and something to chew on. The dog will be ok. Another option is to foster a second senior dog (short term commitment) who will keep the first dog company. You do not say what size the dog is, but 14 is old, even for the small breeds who live a long time. You will not have this dog much longer. What does the dog do when left alone? howl? destroy things? do neighbors complain? Try to address the behavioral problem…the dog will be ok, even if unhappy. Do not hire any more petsitters unless you are leaving town. Hiring petsitters is not solving the problem. Do you think that you and your husband need to “toughen up?” Let the dog be unhappy? Also, talk to your vet…or a second opinion…there should be an anti-anxiety drug that will work. My dog is terrified of fireworks, thunder, and now fires (in the fireplace) but a sedative works well. The dog will be euthanized if returned to a shelter as no one will adopt a dog at this age. Good luck!
Anon
Another vote for humane euthanization. Use one of the services that come to your home. This is not a happy dog living his best life. This is a miserable dog. You’d think it was a kindness if he were suffering from a physical disease rather than a behavioral one.
Exhausted dog parent
I’m 100% in favor of humane euthanasia when quality of life is not there due to mental or physical issues… but I just.. really think this dog is actually living the best and most stress free life he can at the expense of ours! That’s the dilemma. He is really happy and chill with me. All he wants is to eat and sniff and be with me all the time and it’s not his fault he was abandoned (although I really understand why he was because… I literally don’t know anyone else who could do what we’ve done). And he still has so much vigor and is in excellent health – because he eats premium wet dog food, goes for like 4 walks a day, and gets his teeth brushed every couple of days – and he looks at me with his big dole eyes and wag his little tail. 😭 I think we’ll just try to hang in there until health issues come in, like another poster said above.
But never again. I think my days as a dog owner will end with this little monster.
anon
Sounds like this dog is not beyond hope, it’s just that additional training and work on his behavior is needed. I’m not talking about getting him to obey specific commands. It’s about behavior modification and increasing his comfort level in situations where he’s not getting direct attention from you and/or is left alone. He needs confidence, he needs to learn independence. He also needs boundaries. It sounds like you give in every time he asks for attention and company, so how can you expect him to learn anything different? All dogs need boundaries. I have an incredibly sweet, well mannered, mentally balanced dog, but she knows what she wants and if I give in to her every demand, she becomes unreasonable. I’d love to take her to the store down the street that gives out treats, but if I do, she will try to drag me there during every walk. I’d love to play with her every time she squeaks at me when I’m WFH, but I know that if I do, she will just continue to demand attention. I have to be the one to set the rules.
Please seek help from a professional. If you can get this dog to allow you to brush his teeth, I cannot see how he’s beyond help. That, to me, indicates that he is trusting, trainable, and not so overcome with anxiety in every moderately stressful situation that he shuts down/or becomes so overwhelmed that he cannot learn a new way of being.
dog mama
I agree with all of this. When I responded earlier, I was envisioning a dog that had been deemed beyond hope by a trainer and was disturbing neighbors and/or a danger to himself/the home. Based on what OP has said (and not said), I now have a different impression. OP – Does your vet do boarding? If so, I recommend seeing if you can board the dog there for several days to give yourself and your husband a break from the situation. Your vet will be able to sedate the dog if needed and you can instruct your vet to call you to pick up the dog early if he’s struggling. Use that break to decompress, talk openly with your husband, and find a professional to work with your dog.
Anonymous
I have not read through all the responses, but would pose a few questions to you & share a few thoughts:
– What happens when the dog is left alone? Surely, you and husband leave the house together at some point. Does he bark incessantly? Shred things?
– What happens when you put him in a crate? Have you ever boarded him? What happens?
– Can you crate him on one end of the house / a basement/ a closet during “do not disturb” times? And if so, is this quality of life better than living out his days at a shelter?
I have rehomed a dog before, and it was a really hard decision. We had someone to take him (someone without kids, which was our issue). It was like a weight lifted off our chest when he left, even though it was really sad.
Anon
I think it is okay to euthanize the poor thing at this point. But WTF at the no kids?
Anonymous
IDK, why not have this move the needle from 90% no kids to 200% no kids? He was almost there before, and frankly I don’t think you should have kids unless you are 100% yes kids. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with looking at how you feel about being responsible for another creature daily, deciding you don’t want that responsibility for another human, and extrapolating that to not wanting kids.
If OP wants kids and OPs husband doesn’t want kids, that is an ENTIRELY different discussion. But I 100% think that OP’s husband is recognizing something important about parenthood (it is a lot of daily responsibility and you are not guaranteed an easy child) and perfectly valid for not wanting that.
Anon
What’s WTF about no kids? I’m a mom, but nothing wrong with being childfree by choice. I think way too many people have kids because it’s the next typical life step, without really thinking through the repercussions.
Anonymous
As a former dog owner and a mom, I read that part and laughed out loud because dogs are very often used as a ‘do we actually want kids’ test run because they can be so similar to small children in many reapects.
Anonymous
Yeah, OP needs to recognize that her husband doesn’t want kids. He’s telling you he doesn’t want them. You shouldn’t have to try to convince someone of something so important and the dog has literally nothing to do with it.
Anonymous
Ask your vet for a referral to an animal behavioral specialist (a DVM that specializes in behavioral issues). There are multiple drug options and training tactics. And you’re getting some absolutely lousy advice with some of these responses, at best ineffective and at worst likely to make the problem worse and possibly injure the dog. If you are Chicago area, I highly recommend John Ciribassi. DVM, DACVB. You’ll see contact info online. If you’re not geographically near, you may still find benefit from calling their office and asking for a local referral. A lot of them in the specialty are very well connected with each other. I promise you, things are far more fixable than you realize. And I saw massive improvements pretty quickly.
anon
Last year I made $170k and last week received an email saying I’m a highly compensated employee and cannot contribute the full 401k amount. I’ll be capped at $9k. HHI is $300k. Mid 30s, 3 kids. In lieu of the 401k, I can contribute to a non-qualified savings plan. I’m trying to research quickly online as I have to enroll by Friday. Is a NQSP generally a better option than an IRA? Until last year I’d never made more than 70k so this is very new to me.
Iowan
Whoa. I don’t have any sympathy for those “we make $400k and can’t afford to live” people, but I wouldn’t call $170k “highly compensated” to the point that you shouldn’t get to contribute the full amount to retirement – that seems really unfair!
Shanananana
As clarification – its based on participants in the plan – why a lot of companies have instituted auto enroll that you have to opt out of and pushes for more retirement plan contributions. So, this tells me either the plan has really low participation or at 170k you are being paid significantly more than the average employee at the company.
That said, IRAs are a type of non qualified savings plan. You’ll want to get a good understanding from your firm exactly what they are offering. Companies can write a lot of their own rules for company sponsored non qualified plans (hence non qualified) so every company sponsored plan is a little different and has different pros and cons. I would focus on matching, vesting and what options you have for investment in the plan they are offering.
Anon
I believe the test is in reference to other employees at the company
Cat
+1, this can happen at orgs where there’s a large group of lower-paid positions like a call center.
Anon
What is the policy reason for this? Seems bonkers
Anonymous
I had this happen at a prior company where there were a lot of staff who were early career (and they were pushing out the higher paid older workers). It’s what happens when you have bad leadership. I considered suing when my position was eliminated after 8 years of outstanding performance reviews ( I was late 40s) but decided it wasn’t worth the mental drain. Since I’ve left, there has been pretty much a purge of everyone older than me who wasn’t the CEO. Consider if you’re seeing similar lack of age diversity.
Another friend saw this happen when she was in sales for a hospice company. Hospice workers tend to have very low salaries comparatively.
Ouch
after some googlage, I learned apparently it’s a thing! I’m so curious about this all.
So sorry OP – that stinks! here’s a bogle link if you’re inclined
https://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=403747
Anon
It’s either the top 20% of earners at a company who also earn over $135,000 per year:
https://www.fool.com/retirement/plans/401k/highly-compensated-employee/
I have long thought that company matching on 401ks by percentage is just a way to help rich people get richer. Assume the company matches up to 7%, which is generous these days. An employee earning $35,000 may stretch and scrimp to put 5% in, and between her contribution and the company’s match, would save $3,500 per year. Someone who earns $200k per year would max out at $23,000, then get another $14,000 in match, for almost $40,000 per year in retirement savings. Yet it’s the lower-earning employee who really needs more help in retirement.
Anon
Yeah doing employer contributions as a percentage of salary has never seemed super fair to me.
My husband and I work for the same employer, but he earns nearly three times as much. We make the same voluntary contributions, but his retirement savings far exceed mine because the 10% employer contribution is so much greater for him.
Better
Interesting, are you a part owner or is the business staffed with mostly low paid employees and then you?
I’d look at the plan details of the non qualified savings plan to understand how it’s structured, expense ratios, asset allocations, etc. it may be better just to put it in a taxable brokerage account directly.
I’d also pose a detailed question on
Reddit white coat investor forum (even if you are not in medicine – they talk about structuring 401k plans for private practice there a lot) and personal finance.
Also, you can do a backdoor Roth contribution for both you and your husband. 7k each
anonymous
I’m no help at developing a plan B for your investment vehicles, but are you fully up to speed on the non-discrimination rules for 401(k)s? If not, I would read up on them.
I was at a boutique firm once that failed the non-discrimination test and elected to contribute additional money to a non-high earner accounts. It seemed a much better solution that just cutting off the high earners’ abilities to contribute, so you have my sympathy for how your employer decided to handle this!
Anon
A “highly compensated employee” in the context of a 401k Plan is the IRS definition of an HCE, not some random definition. There are tests for the 401k Plan that the IRS requires be done every year to make sure the HCE’s are not “benefiting” from the 401k Plan more than the Non-HCE’s (meaning, putting more money in the Plan). Limiting the HCE’s brings down the total HCE contributions as compared to the Non-HCE’s and thus the Plan can pass these IRS tests.
To answer your question on the NQSP, yes, that is a good option as to where you can put the difference that you can’t put in the 401k Plan. Even better if your company provides a match in the NQSP (my company does).
Anonymous
are you an owner or part owner? would something like a SEP-IRA or defined benefits plan be an option for you? (defined benefits plan has to be set up by an accountant and maintained, i pay a $3k yearly fee for mine.) but SEP-IRA limits are 25% of your earnings up to $50K+, and my defined benefits plan has no limits.
anon
OP here. Nope, I’m just a regular line worker, not management at all. Our company has about 40,000 employees and I’m just a regular cog in the wheel. But better paid than a lot of the other cogs I guess.
Anonymous
I didn’t realize an employer even could have their own cap – separate from the federal contribution limit – on what you can contribute to your 401k. They don’t have to match, of course, but you should be able to contribute $23k of your own pre-tax dollars. I don’t get a match at all from my employer but I still max out my 401k to reduce my taxable income. I would call whoever sent that letter for clarification.
Anonymous
I’m sorry but you are simply wrong and don’t understand how this works.
Anon
This comment is flat out inaccurate. An employer is allowed to cap how much HCEs can put in, if lower paid employees aren’t using the plan. It’s separate and apart from the IRS limit, which limits how much anyone can put in.
Anon
When I worked for AIG I got this notice every year. I don’t remember the cap being as low as $9k though! It just means that a hefty percentage of lower paid employees aren’t participating in the 401k plan, or aren’t contributing much.
Anon
ERISA attorney here. $9K is a very low cap, but there’s nothing that prohibits an employer from setting it there. I will speak to a couple of the big gotchas to a nonqualified plan. First, you have to decide now when and in what form you want this year’s contributions (and earnings) to be distributed. The options will vary from one plan to another, but you will generally have the option to have your 2024 tranche distributed in a year that you specify, e.g., 2040, or upon the occurrence of a specified event such as your termination of employment, or upon the earlier or later of those two. If you participate in the nonqualified plan, CHOOSE THIS DATE CAREFULLY. The distribution date can, if the plan permits (many do not) later be pushed out by 5 or more (never fewer) years, but it can not be accelerated. Second, your contribution election is binding for the entire plan year, so also make that carefully. Unlike a 401(k) contribution that you can, legally, change every pay period, your contribution of 5% (or whatever) is binding for the entire year except in very rare circumstances. Third the contributions are not protected from the claims of your employer’s creditors, so if there is any chance your employer is going bankrupt before your account is fully paid out, you will just get in line with the rest of its creditors.
Earrings obsession
Digby — your Catbird suggestion was great. The slice of moon earrings aren’t quite what the church lady was wearing (hers didn’t have gaps between the diamonds, and they were all the same size with almost a pave feel), but they’re the right shape and style. If I can’t find the exact dupe, I may go with these. Thanks!
anonypotamus
Not real diamonds, but something like this? https://www.nordstrom.com/s/ella-pave-twist-huggie-earrings/7552790?country=US¤cy=USD&utm_content=44997669021&utm_term=aud-1024039079193:pla-321248633492&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_lia&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=664982305&adpos=&creative=231140091119&device=c&matchtype=&network=g&acctid=21700000001689570&dskeywordid=92700049880714859&lid=92700049880714859&ds_s_kwgid=58700005465929531&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007631122&dsproductgroupid=321248633492&product_id=8987132&merchid=1243147&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=local&storeid=421&locationid=9032178&targetid=aud-1024039079193:pla-321248633492&campaignid=664982305&adgroupid=44997669021&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAkp6tBhB5EiwANTCx1NXVsvC57dTLZ03u8OlYXpeZKuWMdIqTPzXo1d7Bkl1rtuc-u7wBThoCdPQQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
Earrings obsession
Not quite — but thanks! Those ones are a little too big, and there was no “underside” showing on the original hoops, all you saw was a tiny curved line of diamonds.
Cb
Ah, I was coming here to post about this because someone here recommended it for my vivid dreams/disruptive sleep and I’m 2 weeks in and it seems to help. I still wake up at 4:41 but with fewer wakeups overall throughout the night. I got the Beauty Pie glycinate and take it 2 hours before bed.
Cb
Threading fail, for the magnesium query above.
Nina
This is interesting – maybe I should try this. I’ve had issues with insomnia before but usually once I’m asleep I stay asleep. Recently that has not been the case. Maybe this would help.
Anon
What is glycinate? I don’t remember seeing it on Beauty Pie. Is that a non-US thing?
I take the Beaury Pie magnesium at bedtime. I asked my neurologist about taking magnesium and he said it can help with headaches, which is much needed. I just started about a month ago so can’t speak to results yet. .
Anon
Nvmd just looked it up.
Anonymous
Feels appropriate with today’s pick – is a blazer + jeans still a decently current outfit?
I just started a job that’s a step up in formality, but jeans are still okay. I feel like opting for a blazer instead of a a sweater or cardigan will do the heavy lifting. I’d pair it with newer denim (wider cuts, etc). Are you wearing anything similar?
Anon
Blazers with slim or skinny jeans is a look that is very much alive in my smart casual workplace. I see wide leg denim less often, and then only on the younger, entry-level cohort.
Anon
I’m seeing more wide leg denim these days. My eye still hasn’t adjusted to it so I notice it a lot. But I’m sure I eventually will.
BeenThatGuy
I’m wearing something similar. Wide leg jeans (not super wide but definitely marketed as 90’s loose style) with a blazer and tank top. Tank is generally tucked in and I wear a statement belt with it. I’ll wear this with an oversized blazer or shrunken fit. Shoes are generally Doc’s or a bootie with a pointed toe, depending on feelings casual/dressy that day. If it matters, I’m 47.
NY CPA
It’s definitely common at my workplace. In fact today, I’m wearing a JCrew Going Out blazer, a sweater tee, and wide legged jeans.
No Face
I see and wear blazers with jeans and other pants plenty. I also see sweaters and wide leg non-denim pants.
When it gets this cold, I prefer sweater dresses, tights, and boots personally.
Anon
Do loose-leg jeans exist that aren’t flares (or crops)? Just jeans that fit more like pants?
Also, I think that skinny jeans messed up my sense of when pants are too tight because now that pants don’t stretch, everything feels really snug (could be holiday pounds, or more likely, holiday inches, since the scale is not registering any material change).
anon
Yes! I like the Old Navy loose or Abercrombie relaxed.
Anonymous
I have also experienced this. I’m the same weight I was a year ago, but non-skinny jeans now seem too tight around the waist. I’ve sized up, which helps a little. I actually like that there’s less stretch than skinny jeans but by the end of the day I’m ready to get them off my body. I wear them infrequently enough that it’s just a nuisance: to me it’s not worth buying more jeans. Anyway, commiseration.
Anon
I love the Levi’s 94 Baggy. Fits me perfectly.
Anon
Are you asking about trouser jeans?
NY CPA
+1 to trouser jeans. Pretty straight all the way down on my curvy legs. Much straighter than “straight leg” jeans.
Anon
Big difference between trouser jeans and baggy jeans. Baggy jeans are usually made of heavy denim and are sort of a 90s style throwback look. Trouser jeans are made of a lighter weight denim to have more drapiness. They also tend to be dark wash.
Anon
Please help me find something to wear for a “big” presentation. I’m a lawyer in my 40s, live in a cold climate and will be traveling to Florida in February for an important client meeting. I want to look polished and exhibit executive presence. I’m working on my presentation, but want something impressive to wear. I have lots of tailored, professional clothes, but I can’t seem to put it all together into something cohesive. I was thinking of buying a dress from the Fold, but the one I like (link below) might be too statement-y and also I keep reading here that dresses aren’t super current. I have a pair of nice black, wide leg wool Akris trousers, but not sure what to wear on top. I also have a black Rag and Bone wool blazer with a classic cut, but if I pair it with the black trousers it will look like an unmatched suit. I’m willing to throw $$ to buy something cohesive, or just pull together some of my nice pieces. Shopping help appreciated!!
NaoNao
From my experience Florida (depending on the area) in Feb can be surprisingly chilly so I’d plan on at least a blazer + a shell or blouse to start off with. I do agree that sheath dresses are “out” right now and can read very formal and a bit stuffy.
I think a wide leg trouser, a silk shell or button front in an interesting color, and a tropical wool blazer would be a very simple yet easy outfit. You could also go for a “lady jacket” in tweed or a statement jacket and match the shell to the pants and have the jacket be the statement.
I’ve seen interesting pieces at Veronica Beard, MM Lafleur, J. Crew, Brooks Brothers, McQueen, BOSS and others. I’d actually do a search in this blog for “suit of the week” to get some ideas on statement jackets–good luck!
One final tip is that I’d consider a watch, a really nice watch as an accessory if it’s not going to break the bank. Watches are one of those status items that translate to men and women and if you have a cool one (maybe vintage?) it could be an easy conversation piece.
Anon
I’d set up a personal shopper appointment at Nordstroms and bring the pieces you have (plus shoes) and like and ask for help making them into a few complete outfits.
NYC
Late 30’s here: I love Veronica Beard for matching set or separates. If you’d like a suit the Miller Dicky Jacket is very comfortable and flattering (has matching pants). Can also be worn with jeans for more casual work – very versatile. I have the navy with gold buttons.
Hobbs London also makes some great stuff (but cut slightly more mature, so have to select carefully).
Anon
I live in Florida and like to present in dresses that are made of suiting material with short sleeves and no jacket.
Anon OP
OP here. Here’s the link to the dress I was eyeing for context. I think the bright color might be a little too bold/forward.
https://thefoldlondon.com/product/elland-dress-cerise-pink-sculpt-stretch-crepe/?sku=DD536UK8&utm_source=instocknotify&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=instocknotify
Thanks for the suggestions so far. I really like some of the Veronica Beard blazers as other posters recommended, but I’m petite and their sleeves are always too long on me – and with the true buttons/buttonholes I can’t shorten the sleeves properly. It’s a bummer!
I like the suggestion of the Nordstrom shopper – that might be very helpful! Also, I did a similar presentation last year and just about froze during the downtime as the A/C was blasting all day, so definitely keeping in mind that my outfit needs to be relatively warm. Keep them coming and thank you!!
Savannah
I am late to responding so I hope you see this. I was recently at a conference where one of the presentations was by a complete bad-ass lawyer (or that’s the vibe she gave). She wore wide legged black trousers, shoes that were almost loafer-like but not clunky (minimal heel), and a fitted textured blazer that was multi-colored (in “fall” colors – I remember thinking she was a woman that knew what colors look good on her). The blazer was short. Almost lady-jacket style but more structure to it. It was authoritative and personal to her all at the same time – you could tell it was her true style. She wore a chunky watch and otherwise pretty simple jewelry. She was also a great speaker. The whole package! I was sort of mesmerized.
Anon
I need suggestions for where to sign up for virtual (from home) phone banking for Democratic candidates (anywhere in the country) where the platform does NOT show my name/phone number to the recipients of the calls. I signed up to phone bank for Tom Suozzi (NY) last week through Vote For America/Grassroots, but I had to bow out once the session started and I realized that the people I called would see my name and personal phone number.
Please no suggestions for burner phones/Google phone etc. I have considered and rejected those options.
TIA.
Anon
Can you change it if you log into your carrier’s website?
The No Club
All the phone banking I’ve done has been through an automated calling tool through an internet browser, not from my personal cell phone.
https://democrats.call.scaletowin.com/?t=e6cf13fc-c7be-4fa0-808d-97e3744b661e
Z
I’ve volunteered for my state’s democratic party in 2020 and 2022. In 2020, they had us either use our personal phones or a burner phone number (I used Google phone). In 2022, they had upgraded to an automated calling tool that had no association to my name or phone number. I think a lot of the bigger campaigns are using those or will transition to the automated tools once the primaries are over.
Anonymous
Please don’t participate in phone banking. You will persuade no one and are likely to annoy voters who already favor your candidate.
Anon
You don’t persuade anyone to switch sides, but you can remind people to vote and help them make a plan to get to the polls if they don’t have one. That’s why phone banking exists and why you call people you think support your candidate; no one is naive enough to think you call MAGA people and magically convince them to vote for Joe.
Anon
Plus it seems like nobody answer calls with blocked numbers anymore. I never do.
Anon
OP here. Serious question for anonymous at 12:54: if not phone banking, what can I do? I already give as much money as I can afford. Health issues preclude in-person activities. What do you suggest so that I can look my grandkids in the face in 20 years and say that I did everything I could to prevent our country from becoming fascist?
anon
– Volunteer for a s&xual as$ault hotline, which were inundated with calls from survivors when new allegations came out during the 2016 election.
– Volunteer with the seniors in your community. Loneliness and ostracization enables radicalization. Many of the basic needs (shoveling snow, rides to the doctor’s office) they need help with can be done while outside or masked.
– Accept that at an individual level, you aren’t able to influence election outcomes.
anon
Yeah, I would love to see some studies on the effectiveness of this tactic. It almost seems like a way to engage the core group of volunteers with a low effort activity that yields no real benefit. Sort of like how ladies used to knit socks for soldiers.
Anon
This socks helped them from getting trench foot, where your foot literally rots away, so I’d say it yielded a lot of benefit.
Anon
Just go to google scholar and look up “effectiveness of GOTV phonebanking”.
Analyst Institute is a prominent think tank doing quantitiative research on particular electoral interventions. A lot of it won’t be publicly available because it’s geared toward Dem/progressive campaigns.
Anon
Phone banking has been proven effective. There’s social scientists that do all kinds of quantitative research. It’s typically used for GOTV (get out the vote) for those who have already committed to a candidate, as others wrote. It’s especially used now that early voting/mail in voting happens. Phonebankers volunteer to call and remind someone to vote. They also ask if you mailed in your ballot/early voted to take you off the list and focus on reminding others who haven’t yet or who will wait until Election Day. I have done a lot of phonebanking and literally had people say “oh I forgot to vote, I’ll go do that now/I’ll go mail my ballot now”.
Lexi
So great you’re volunteering! Have you signed up with your local or state Democratic Party? For example, here’s CA Dem link: https://secure.ngpvan.com/GduQMAAT2EaRHVq6PPeFdA2
Another way is to Google your local county Democratic Party office and call them. I’m active in Silicon Valley, and we run phone banking locally, statewide and nationally. There is also volunteer letter writing to delegates and voters. Phone banking these days is run online these days so you can do it from your laptop.
Lastly, please do NOT listen to anyone who says it’s not effective— it absolutely IS and that’s why everyone still does it. It DOES make a difference.
Thank you for volunteering!
Hollis
I am in my mid-40s and have dark brown (East Asian) fine, straight hair that’s a little below shoulder length. I am getting so many grays now and can no longer pluck them out (and probably should t anyway since I have thinning hair). I never had coloring before, but want to try it now to add dimension and maybe disguise the grays a little. Should I go for partial highlights, full highlights or single color? Also, do any of you go to one person for the haircut and another person for coloring? I have been getting cuts from someone who doesn’t charge as much as the person who was recommended to me as a colorist, but I’m wondering if it’s better to just switch to the colorist for everything (they are at different salons) so that person can basically make it all come together. Thank you!
anon
I’m Indian with black hair. I started a few years ago getting just my roots covered. Last year I started adding highlights. The way my stylist does the highlights they grow out gracefully without a harsh line of color. I only get highlights done every 6-8 months. I go to a small salon, so the same person does my cut, root color and highlights.
Anon
I did the same thing until the pandemic. Highlights, not all over color.
Now I’ve let the whole thing grow out, but I’m not mad. Highlights served me well for a long time. I just made sure they were fine highlights, not like chunky blond streaks.
Anon
Not Asian. But have fine, straight, dark brown hair, was late to start graying (for a white person), but am late 40’s now. I get my roots done every 5-7 weeks. I definitely get oxidation toward a warmer more reddish brown by week 4-6. To your second question, at most places it’s same person doing both cut and color. My current place has different people doing color vs cut.
Anonymous
I get single process on my dark hair every 3 weeks. I don’t like highlights because I don’t want to bleach my hair. My stylist does everything because it really isn’t worth spending a ton for single process. Highlights would be different.
Moose
I have done single-process (demi-permanent color) with a dark color, and it looked pretty good! And it’s relatively easy/cheap color to do.
HSAL
I’ve realized that life is too short for multipacks of body wash from Costco. What are some of your favorites? I want scented, basically anything but food-related smells, and bonus points for moisturizing.
anon
I like Dove body washes. Ivory also makes a nice, lightly scented one.
Anon
Does Milk & Honey count as food related? Suave’s is a favorite of mine despite the price point. (I don’t like other cookie/chocolate/vanilla/pumpkin type scents and would categorically avoid food related smells, but I like this one, so I thought I’d mention it anyway.)
I also have a lavender EO Essentials that is VERY lavendery if you like lavender. I wish I’d picked rose instead.
Anon
I love bougie body wash. I like Necessaire and Le Labo ($$ but so nice).
Chl
I like the native body wash scents. Also the almond shower oil from l’occitane is divine.
Z
I like the newish Saltair body washes at Target. I currently have 2 in my shower – blue (sea salt) and pink (coconut).
Anon
Second Saltair for having actually recyclable (not plastic) packaging and if you buy online, you can skip the pump. Great scents and formulas too.
Anonymous
Carina Organics! The packaging isn’t anything special but the products themselves are super high quality without petrochemicals, alcohols, fillers etc. Personally I like the sweet pea scent.
Anon
I like the Super Healthy Skin Shea Butter Body Wash from Beauty Pie. Smells like orange zest and gives me soft skin. I follow it with the matching body cream. I love it so much.
NaoNao
Nest Wellness makes gorgeous, very sophisticated scented body washes.
I also like Ouai scented body washes and scrubs, they’re pricey but very pretty, scent wise.
Also, old faithful Bath and Body Works can have some surprisingly sophisticated scents, and since I typically go through a bottle every few weeks, if the scent isn’t quite working, it’s no huge tragedy. They also have tons of sales and bogo deals so the already approachable price is often even better.
One I’d avoid (that’s all over social media) is Tree Hut. I find them very…juvenile and simple/one note. Which is great for some audiences, no shade. But I find them not what I’m looking for in terms of a “grown up” luxe shower experience.
NYNY
Corpus Naturals makes expensive but lovely body washes. I like the Santalum scent the best, but all of their scents are really thought out and luxurious.
Anon
I like the Olay ribbons body wash
Anon
I like the Olay ribbons body wash
Anon
How about a nicer bar soap? Reduce your plastic consumption. Many are very gentle and non-drying.
Anon
Agreed, soaps are much less plastic waste and I find them much less drying on my skin than the SLS in body wash.
Anon
Each day, I listen to the same podcasts in the same order on Spotify. Spotify has never managed to “learn” this.
Is there any way to tell Spotify to always play Podcasts A, B, and C together, one after another? I tried creating a playlist once, but it played only the episode from the day I made the playlist, not whatever the most recent episode was.
Also, is there any way to eliminate a podcast from the suggestions? You can do this for a song (I know that feature well!), but Spotify has decided that I simply must be interested in a certain podcast whose presenter’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me, and frequently plays that podcast after podcast A instead of podcast B.
(These are all news podcasts with relevance to my field. They come out at 5 am, and I listen while I’m getting ready a couple hours later so I’m up to speed for the day. Spotify occasionally hides one of the podcasts from the top menu, so not only do I have to manually play each podcast, I sometimes have to type and search for one of the three to play it. The annoying podcast is a children’s bedtime story reading – seriously, Spotify, one of these is not like the others! Thanks for helping my Spotify-challenged self!)
Anon
Following because I can’t figure out Spotify for podcasts, either. I miss Stitcher.
Anonymous
I don’t know if you can train Spotify to learn, but have you used the queue function? That might work to at least avoid the terrible obe if you make your queue each morning.
Anonymous
I love Spotify, but I don’t like their podcast integration (I use a separate podcast app) so I can’t answer all your questions. But to stop the autoplay into a “suggested” podcast that you really dislike – you can turn off Autoplay in the settings app. I assume that will take care of that problem.
Elderlyunicorn
Do you have an iPhone? Perhaps you could make a shortcut.
Anon
There are a lot of sales on right now. What are y’all getting?
I have an early January birthday so I took advantage of some sales to buy new undies and new socks. New year, new undies, new me! It feels great to be organized and throw out all the old worn out stuff. Is this grown up life?
Anonymous
I love that ritual and I may adopt it.
I also have an way January birthday and have made a habit of using the combined monetary gifts from a parent to buy a piece of outerwear each year (not always winter but outerwear), as there are so often sales then. I have amassed a pretty good selection (my dry cleaners comment on it) and was thinking of doing something else this year, but also had my eye on a winter coat selling for ~ $800 that I just love the look of. I had decided it was too much but just when my parents decided to give me a $300 dept store gift card for my birthday the coat dropped to $400, so it is now in my house waiting for me to try it on.
Anon
Ooh exciting! I love money for our January birthdays because everything is on sale! Including undies :)
Anon
Link to the coat?
Anonymous
I love that grown up life can be as simple as new underwear!
I bought a big china cabinet and a sideboard at a charity shop sale last week, both solid wood and at least 50 years old. The sideboard is being turned into a coffee station and my grown up life is being excited about hunting down everything I want for it.
Anon
I implemented a coffee station just this year! I love having everything in one place. The milk (all the milks! so many milks!) are in the fridge of course, not at the coffee station. But everything else is there. It’s great. Good for you.
Anonymous
I picked up a couple of pairs of metallic flats and some eggplant colored pants.
Anon
Ooh! Looking forward to hearing about the outfits you create!
Anon
High quality winter coats for the entire family.
Anon
Nice! Coat theme here. Smart.
I bought a really nice down filled puffer from Land’s End on super clearance last year, maybe as late as February. I swear it got down to like $30 – $40. I’ve used it a lot so far this winter!
anon
Same! new undies and bras. And a right hand ring, because why not? I love treating myself to the nice things in life.
Anon
Hive five to you! Treat yo self.
Anon
thank you everyone for your discussion on losing weight in your 40s. one issue I have is that I’ll be tracking my food, doing well, etc. and then something happens – kid gets sick, school closed for snow, etc. and i dont get to cook all of the food i purchased and/or staying on track requires a lot of mental energy and i’m just exhausted and reaching for the carbs. i also find it hard to ever eat out and i don’t want to be that person who goes to some interesting restaurant and asks for grilled chicken and steamed vegetables… for those of you in a similar boat – any tips?
Anonymous
Yeah it sucks this is why we don’t all lose weight. It takes a lot of effort.
Anonymous
I like to order a green salad for an app and an app for my main course at an interesting restaurant. Apps are the right portion size for me.
Anonymous
This is honestly why I don’t track what I’m eating and why I look at the bigger picture instead of stressing about day to day.
One of the things I found works is to have snacks and ready made meals on hand that I can turn to when things get hectic.
Anon
One thing I have done is come up with some really really easy meals and snacks that I love that take no effort and feel like comfort food to me. One example is the frozen reduced fat mac and cheese from Trader Joes with a cup of edamame in it. I’m getting protein from the edamame, and it’s a bean, so there are other nutritional benefits. But it’s also Mac and cheese so it hits that comfort spot for me. I also always have the lentil and ancient grain soup in my fridge, and sometimes bagged salads, etc. The most important part is that I get stuff that I actually like and look forward to eating.
If I’m going to eat out, I do my best to eat mindfully. So maybe I get a cheeseburger, but I will cut it in half and just eat the first half. Physically cutting it gives my brain the signal to stop eating and check in. After eating the first half slowly, I’ll stop eating for a few minutes and evaluate whether I’m satisfied or not. 9 times out of 10, I am, and I take the rest home (sometimes I eat it the next day and sometimes my partner does).
Finally, I will think about my day in thirds. If I feel like I’ve “messed up” one meal, I try to have a more healthy second third of the day. So, maybe I had the whole plate of biscuits and gravy for breakfast. That’s okay! I’ve got two more thirds of the day! I try to get back on plan for lunch and just move on and forget the first third. It’s about the process for me, and some of these habits help reinforce that.
Good luck!
Anon
I forgot to add that I also track my food in an app. I make sure that I’m eating enough protein early in the day so I stay satisfied and don’t get that desperate hunger feeling later in the day.
I also track even my “mess ups,” which is new for me. I used to just close the app and stop tracking for the rest of the day/week/month… But actually tracking it helps me in two ways. First, it helps me realize that even if I overeat for a meal, it hasn’t destroyed my week. Second, it helps reinforce to my brain that I’m looking for progress rather than perfection.
Tracking makes some people have unhealthy habits, but I’ve found it’s the opposite for me.
Anonynonynon
Anon at 12:19, this was so helpful to me! As someone whose ideal way of eating is intuitive and easy-going but also veggie-packed and generally healthful, but who struggles with disordered behavior thanks to a childhood with thin-obsessed parents, this feels like SUCH a good approach. It’s ok to want comfort and ease, and to plan for it, and to still be mindful (like your “thirds” idea and the way you approach eating out). Thanks for this framing!
Anon
I try to keep in mind that one meal does not the week make. I just do my best to get back on track at the next meal or the next day. Giving myself grace to go off course without beating myself up is the biggest blessing I can give myself.
For restaurant meals, I just input the info as best as I can with a fudge factor for more fat and salt than I think.
I’m a live to eat person, not an eat to live person, so having the same thing over and over is not for me. That said, I also keep the makings of 3 or 4 easy peasy pantry meals in the house all the time so I don’t need to reach for the take out menus when I’m tired and not making the best decisions.
** For reference, I lost 85 lbs in 2015 at the age of 56 and have kept them off.
Anonymous
When I was successfully losing (late 40s) I really forced myself to eat protein or fruit when hungry and it really cut off the carb cravings. Hungry for chips? Eat an egg/nuts/yogurt/tinned fish/apple. I can have chips after if I want (but I never want). It retrained me.
For restaurants, which I went to regularly, I got very comfortable (1) making the best palatable choice available without rewriting the menu, (2) always including a vegetable even if it meant ordering extra and (3) leaving food on the plate and never taking it with me. It was totally fine to eat a burger in a bar once a week, but I always ordered salad as the side, ate that first, and left half the burger behind. Partners wanted to go for Cuban sandwiches? I got arroz con pollo, ate as much of the chicken breast as I wanted with a few bites of the rice for flavor and satiety and pleasure and left most of the meal behind because it truly was a lot of food. Ordering a salad + protein at the French restaurant where we eat twice a week initially felt bad in the moment when everyone else was getting something in cream sauce and butter-soaked escargot but I felt way better (physically, I mean) on the way out than I would have if I had also eaten that. This only became easier with consistency.
Sunshine
I posted yesterday as well. I think the big pieces of what makes the app work for me are that I do not allow perfect to be the enemy of the good and I’m looking for progress and not perfection- and I’m intentional about that. At Thanksgiving, I input each of the foods I ate in the very approximate quantities I ate and used the nutritional information already in the app. Do I know exactly how the mashed potatoes at the huge family affair were prepared? Nope. So I typed in mashed potatoes and then picked one option that popped up, estimated the quantity, and moved on. Days like that are not my norm because we don’t go out to eat a lot and I tend to eat the same stuff over and over – so tracking most days is really easy. I get that it would be harder for someone who likes to change up the food choices or is eating out a lot. Taking this approach has allowed me to find some fun in using the app while also losing weight. Maybe I could lose weight faster if I knew the exact calories and quantities of everything I eat, but I’m not willing to do that much work. And this approach is helping me make progress and feels more sustainable. For reference, I’m 44 years old but haven’t started peri yet.
Cat
restaurants – order two apps or a salad and an app instead of a main. Apps are usually way more interesting to me than the mains anyway.
meal planning –
– this is where batch cooking shines. No, we don’t spend our Sundays meal prepping, it’s just whenever we’re making anything remotely involved, we make extra. Like we’ll make 2 lbs of taco meat at once and then freeze it in individual portions.
– keep a bunch of “easy button” canned soups around. When you can heat up a can of tomato basil and dump a bagged salad in a bowl, it’s easier to resist takeout.
Anonymous
I am prone to forgetting what “easy button” items I have around, like frozen soup or smoked fish, so I put a list on the fridge to remind myself. It keeps me from the knee jerk “there is nothing quick to eat” response that leads to eating out or a trip to grab supermarket prepared food.
Nesprin
Perfect is the opposite of good.
This sounds like a good reason to stock lean cuisines or trader joes premade dinners or a meal box or trail mix and precut fruit or whatever easy reasonable foodstuff works for your family.
Anon
When I’m busy I subscribe to meal delivery services like Thistle. Not cheap, but very convenient and healthy.
Anonymous
I’m confused by this. Why do you make different food if there is a snow day?
I would make up a meal plan that covers two weeks. Rotate between 2-3 breakfast and lunches that you know hit your goals and then family dinner that you can adapt so you are not cooking multiple meals. Like when we have bagged salad, boxed pasta and a jar of tomato sauce on a busy night, I toss frozen meatballs in the sauce for extra protein and eat probably half the pasta serving and twice the salad that my super active teenager eats. Kids or family meals can be easy and filling without being high calorie for all.
Or like the days we have chili in the slow cooker, I just skip the bread on the side or only do one piece and do a smaller portion. Keep cut up fresh veggies on hand and quick high protein snacks like boiled eggs or nonfat unsweetened Greek yoghurt.
If you are losing more than 1lb a week, revisit what you are doing because drastic changes may not be sustainable. Small sustainable lifelong changes will get you there, not crash diets or change that cause you to lose 5lbs in a week because they are not sustainable
Anon
You don’t understand how it affects your life when kids who are normally in school during the day are suddenly home because of snow? Or how fun it can be to make a spontaneous batch of hot chocolate on a snow day? Or chili?
Food is fun for some people, and it’s okay if it’s not for you. A person can still lose weight while having fun with food, but they just have to plan a little differently. I’m not a person who will long-term stick with a plan where I lock myself into a meal plan for 2 weeks or make the same few things on repeat on a schedule. I’m the person above who divides my day into thirds and cuts my cheeseburger in half, btw.
I do agree with your last paragraph that slower weight loss is probably going to be. more sustainable. For myself, I’m very content with maintaining or losing just 0.1 in a week, as long as I’m not gaining most weeks!
Anon
Let me preface this by saying that I have only been able to do this since starting weight loss meds (Saxenda and Wegovy). Mentally, I was just not able to do it without the meds. Eating healthy for me can be very labor and time intensive, so I try to throw money at convenience options. Pre cut and pre washed veggies for a salad for example when I just don’t have the bandwidth to cut, wash, prep salads for a week of lunches. Today, lunch was a lean cuisine because prepping my salad was just more than I could take after a trial yesterday and getting my kid out the door today. I still eat the carbs. But now, I can eat much, much fewer carbs in order to be full or satisfied. No energy to cook the food I have, so I order pizza. I’m full and satisfied with one slice. Same thing at an interesting restaurant. I will order whatever sounds good, but I would probably only need to eat a small portion of it to be satisfied (and I get much more satisfied on much less now). I’ve also come to terms with it being okay to throw food away.
Anon
My college aged son has been home for a long winter break. He cooks all of his own food. He’s a fan of asian style bowls. He keeps everything in the fridge independently packed. Grains/rice other base. (you could do bagged salad greens or arugula.) Protein topping like baked or sauteed salmon filets. Veggie toppings like quick pickled cucumber, shredded carrots, etc. Defrosted edamame beans, shelled, from frozen. We usually have small avocadoes on the counter – we just add them to the grocery list every week.
I’m not always in the mood for a bowl, so while this is some carbs because bread, I’m a big fan of almond butter on sourdough or whole wheat toast, or avocado toast, or an over medium egg on toast. Doesn’t have to be a big fancy dinner for me. Oranges and other citrus are really great right now, so I often get my “fruit and veggie” servings in with a couple of mandarin oranges or, preferably, a cut up Cara Cara orange. Just had one!
Anon
PS he also does other fish or tofu for the toppings, just in case that wasn’t clear. He likes air fryer tofu because that dries it out a little and it gets crisp. There’s always a sauce like mayo+sriracha or gochuchang, or you could purchase japanese dressing like they have on the little green salad in bento boxes, or served separately when you go out for sushi.
Anon
Eating out, I usually do a salad with protein. I tend to skip the big cobb salad, entree type salads. But if I can add a salmon filet, steak, or chicken to what is otherwise a regular green salad, I like to do that. I always make sure I look at what veggie sides they offer. I often get most excited about veggie sides & for my whole life I’ve usually ordered at least one when all my friends are choosing apps for the table, and everyone ends up loving the veggie side!
Anon 2.0
I need advice on how to fight a medical bill I received. Short backstory: I needed a simple in-office test for a visit to a specialist. I had this scheduled and was all set to go when I received a call from the office saying they no longer had a provider in the office to administer this test. Instead, they sent me to the lab at the hospital to have it done and then I went directly to the office for my appointment. I didn’t really think much of it at the time and this was over 5 months ago. I received a few bills in the mail, all smallish amounts I expected, and I paid them. Yesterday, I received a bill for nearly $1000 because they are billing this as a “hospitalization and laboratory service”. In hindsight, I suppose I should have clarified but they already had it all setup and it sounded as if I was getting the same test just as a different location. It did not occur to me at the time that this would cause such an issue. To compare, my responsibility according to the “find a price” guide on my insurance site shows around $75 had this been preformed in office. An unexpected $1000 bill is a lot for me – I can certainly pay it but would have to dip into savings. (Sadly, no big law salary here.) However, I’d like to fight this as I feel I had everything setup in the office and they made this seem like a simple change of location as the test itself was exactly the same. Any tips?
Anon
Definitely try to fight it, but also consider whether it’s worth just not paying it and letting it go to collections, in which case they will typically settle for a much smaller amount than the original bill or even just give up on collecting it. Medical debt does not affect your credit score the way other debt does: you have a longer grace period (I think 1 year) to pay the bill before it appears, and as soon as you pay it, it disappears.
Anonymous
I would in this field (I’ve worked on the health plan side, the hospital side, the billing office, the provider, and for tech vendors) and I swear, I am ready to start a business to fight bills on behalf of the public. I hate that this is such a thing.
First, call the lab or hospital that is sending you the bill. Talk to a billing office manager and really understand what’s going on. You weren’t hospitalized, it shouldn’t count as a hospital visit. It could be as simple as a billing error. If you get nowhere there, then call the office of the doctor that originally cancelled on you and talk to whomever sent you to the hospital. Did they have to do some kind of referral or authorization? Has this happened with other patients? W the actual F- make sure you are talking to whomever told you to go to the hospital, and not some poor billing manager here; this isn’t their fault. Figure out what they put on your paperwork when they sent you over. Again, maybe they put the wrong provider or location or service code on your bill or even in your chart.
Finally, if for some reason this is all legitimate (it isn’t), call the hospital that sent the bill and ask for payment options. It might be that your insurance has a pretty high deductible but $1k out of pocket sounds pretty outrageous for outpatient lab work. For patient liabilities >$500 most hospitals will work with you to collect. Payment plays, cash upfront discounts, etc. It’s all on the table. OR let it go to collections. I hesitate to recommend this when you are talking about a $1k bill because at that amount the agencies will work the file pretty hard. Worth knowing is the providers have to pay something like 15-20% or more to the collections agencies, so they don’t want to send it.
I most recently had to argue with an urgent care that fat-fingered the name of my health plan then wanted me to pay $500 for something that should have been $40. My husband already had the check written before I saw the bill and got on the phone! Also, CVS minute clinic has been billing the wrong insurance for 3/5 of my family this year. Yes, our account is connected. When i got it all straightened out it turns out that we get our $20 copays back because our current insurance doesn’t require them. I just got a check for $120! This stuff drives me bonkers.
Anonymous
I am not saying this is right or fair, but it is common for outpatient services at hospital-owned clinics to be billed as “hospital services” at a higher rate than at other clinics. https://www.axios.com/2023/02/22/hospital-outpatient-billing-draws-scrutiny
Anon
I would call the provider and ask that they check how it was billed, specifically what code was used. Also call your doctor’s office and ask what code they would have billed that test under had it happened as you originally planned. If the codes are different, ask the provider why it was not billed under [code from your doctor’s office]. It is possible there is a simple error. It is also possible the hospital lab is not in-network, or are in-network but is trying to balance bill you for the portion your insurance does not cover (if so, that is not allowed and you can tell them as much).
Lifer
Do you have a high deductible plan?
Was it processed correctly? Right test, right diagnosis codes, and was processed as a medically necessary claim, and the only reason you have to pay is because it is an expensive test and you have a high deductible?
For many medical plans, doing lab tests is cheaper at free standing clinics, LabCorp or Quest.
If you step into a lab that is connected to a hospital system (and this can be in name… not necessarily physically connected) they are often contracted to bill at much higher rates. The cost can be hundreds to thousands of dollars more.
I learned this lesson the hard way too. I do all of my lab tests at LabCorp to be safe. But aometimes the test is so specialized that you have to the hospital to do it. Doctors never know how to help with this or what costs will be. So usually I make sure the test is really needed if it is a “hospital lab only” test, and I just pay…. For rare genetic tests I call the company directly and sometimes I can negotiate with them to pay cash without insurance and it is cheaper. This is difficult.
It is terrible having to negotiate this when you are sick. Everyone acts like you are being unreasonable trying to find out what something will cost before you blindly agree to so it.
Elected officials for the potential win?
You can complain to the state division of insurance about the bill. If your insurance is through your employer who self insures, you need to go to the US Dept of Labor. The state division of insurance can help you figure that out. You can also write to your state (not federal) representative or senator. I would share that no one explained the impact of the change and you were caught off guard by the cost. If the claim was processed correctly, it is always possible that political pressure from a regulator or elected official can help get the bill adjusted as a one off good faith mistake- no guarantee but this is what I would do.
EPAttyJGH
This year, I made income partner. We have a fun (some say corny) tradition of hosting a dinner to celebrate new partners — it’s called the Black Blazer Dinner. Everyone gets a black blazer with firm gold buttons. They men pretty much all get the same one from a local store. The women can pick out their own. My budget is $595, inclusive of tailoring. This is more than I’d spend on my own, so hoping to pick a good, versatile piece. I don’t do a lot of suits — I am a trust and estates attorney. I’m drawn to single button, long, fitted blazers. Any insight/favorites?
Anon
No advice on the blazer but congrats on making partner!
Anon
No suggestions but that’s a cute tradition! Veronica Beqrd makes beautiful boxers though many are double breasted
Cat
That budget is right around what The Fold’s jackets run. Doubt they’d have gold buttons but those could be changed?
Anonymous
I don’t know a specific blazer to suggest, but if I were spending that amount on a blazer, I’m definitely getting matching suit pants.
Anonymous
For brands, I’d look at Boss, Theory, Hobbs, Veronica Beard, maybe Rag and Bone and Helmut Lang.
Anon
+1 to this. Buy the pants for sure!
Anonymous
Brooks Brothers
Anonymous
The Yiyan blazer at MM LaFleur is in-budget, long, fitted, and single-button.
Anonymous
So I’m craving fish which is very rare for me, and I’m also not an experienced cook so I’m hoping people can help. I don’t have much desire to cook or do a huge clean up, so I’m thinking of just baking and my understanding it that for white fish it’s generally ten minutes of baking for every one inch of thickness and add another five minutes if you’re cooking it with any kind of sauce. Any other tips for knowing when baked fish is done? I’m always very reluctant to cook meat as I worry about whether it’s cooked through and I don’t own a food thermometer.
Question – do you wash fish? I know you don’t wash meat as it sprays germs around and I REALLY am not interesting in having to scrub my sink after. But when I google I’m getting mixed answers. Some sites do say to wash fish. Others say no. FWIW I’d be getting a filet from the fish counter at the grocery store – IDK if wild caught or farm raised, depends on what I pick. But definitely store bought from the fish counter, not catching it myself or using frozen if that matters on the washing issue.
Also is it bad to bake in a foil packet? I feel like that was all the rage when I was growing up and it does seem like it’d be nice to save on clean up. But IDK is that safe to cook food on high heat on disposable metal? Or is it one of those things where you don’t want to do it nightly but once is fine?
Finally any marinades you like for white fish? I’m not a lemon fan. I do like garlic, ginger, mustard, and honey mustard if anyone has flavor suggestions along those lines.
Anon
I do not wash fish. Fish is done when it’s cooked to your liking. Salmon can be quite pink inside. Tuna of course is often just seared and basically raw on the inside.
But for whitefish, cook on a foil lined pan, add salt and pepper (not too much salt, because fish is often salty enough) and maybe some olive oil and/or lemon juice, then bake until it flakes with a fork.
I like halibut broiled too. But regular white fish, just baked. The foil lined pan – you will thank me at cleanup time!
Anon
Foil packets are great. You won’t get any kind of crust because the fish basically steams. I like to throw in some halved cherry tomatoes, maybe a few basil leaves or chives, and top each filet with a little olive oil or butter. Make sure you also make some rice to serve alongside the packets to absorb the delicious juices when you serve them.
I really don’t think fish needs a marinade. White fish filets have a mild flavor so all you will taste is the marinade. I’d skip that.
Agurk
you don’t have to wash it and if you’re worried about foil use parchment instead. a lot of the fresh fish at the counter was actually frozen. don’t refreeze. cook until it flakes when you poke it. any vinaigrette with any combination of the flavors you mentioned would be good.
Anonymous
For white fish doneness, I’d use both flakes when you poke it and no longer translucent in the center (ideally just after it stops being translucent to avoid dryness).
Parchment is a good suggestion since you seem anxious about metals, and I will note for you since you seem very inexperienced with cooking that you can make a packet out of parchment also. It is common to cook fish this way.
I have never personally heard that cooking on foil is a problem and people have been doing it routinely forever. Maybe I missed a health notice that I would have noted but disregarded.
Anon
Do you have an air fryer? I love cooking frozen fish for 10-13 min at 400.
anonnynonon
Hi! I was vegetarian for many years and just recently dipped my toes into eating more fish. I get squeamish about cooking fish and if I get squeamish enough then I can’t even eat it when I’m done. I do NOT wash fish in the sink, the USDA recommends against this. I hate clean-up so I always bake in on foil (not wrapped in foil, just resting on a sheet of foil) in a baking dish. After I’m done cooking I throw away the foil and my baking dish is usually spotless. You could use parchment paper instead if that seems safer. You should buy a food thermometer at the grocery store when you buy your fish. They are usually <10 dollars and you can ensure you cook it to a foods are temperature (145 F) without the guess work.
I LOVE this recipe for tomato basil cod in a white wine sauce.
https://bakerbynature.com/pan-seared-cod-in-white-wine-tomato-basil-sauce/
Have fun!
Anonymous
About the foil – the foods that are problematic when cooked in aluminum are high acid. Fish is fine.
I wouldn’t worry about things like lemon juice or cherry tomatoes baking for 10-15 minutes with your fish, but you should not do things like freeze high acid dishes (like tomato sauce based dishes) in aluminum foil pans.
For baking – if you want crispy skin, put the fish skin side up, and add some oil, salt and spices to the skin. You can bake in a parchment or foil parcels, but that will steam your fish. There are loads of good fish parcel recipes, have a look at Jamie Oliver’s.
Apart from baking, you could try poaching white fish – you could e.g. use millk, some bay leaves and spices for the poaching liquid, and if you want you can sieve the milk and reuse for a mustard fish sauce.
Fish pie is easy – fish pieces and vegetables in white sauce, potato mash on top, bake until golden.
Tinned fish is easy – already cooked, whether that is salmon with potatoes and green beens, tuna salad or anchovies on pizza.
Anon
How do I deal with a passive aggressive colleague who also seems ageist? The context is our departmental structure isn’t great, and the colleague has seemingly no accountability.
I’m almost 4 months into a new role that was created because our department isn’t meeting revenue goals. Colleague has been here a decade. Our boss wanted her position to report to me. She pushed back and said no, so she continues to report to our boss while the other 2 depatmental members report to me. Our boss oversees other departments, so she can’t be the daily decision maker if colleague and I disagree. And her disagreement shows up in daily comments about “I don’t know why you’re doing X, Y, and Z”. I always show her data to back up decisions, but since she’s never learned the CRM, she doesn’t understand what she’s looking at.
Colleague is in her early 60s. I’m late 30s. She says weird things like I remind her of her daughter who is my age. She consistently farms out her work to the more junior team members that I oversee. I told her to run her requests by me, to manage their work loads, so now she CCs me on extended email chains back and forth demanding the other staff essentially do her job. She hasn’t ever learned to use our CRM or basic tools, so she asks others to help her out, and it’s always an emergency.
I’ve flagged this for my boss, who is also pretty new herself, and it seems like our boss has no control over this colleague and told me she isn’t going to change.
How can I manage sideways?
Anonymous
This is your boss’s problem. Keep meeting with her until she straightens it out. It’s your boss’s direct report.
I suppose you can offer to take over the report, but I’d stay away from it ;)
Anon
Definitely don’t want to supervise her! LOL
NaoNao
My guess is that she wants or feels entitled to a position of nominal or tacit authority based on age/experience. So if you’re able to give that to her in some way, while behind the scenes doing what needs to get done otherwise, she may settle down.
Are there any areas where she *is* an expert or has institutional or historical knowledge that can help you? It may feel irritating as hell to come to her with a “begging bowl” but I would at least try the honey vs. vinegar route at first.
But I’d also appeal to her desire to be “of use”. Maybe lay it on a bit thick “Oh, Thumbelina, you know this department so well, I need your help. I’m seeing quite a bit of uneven work load here. You know, I’m really relying on you to take the harder stuff because you’re so experienced…” basically hoist her on her own petard, in other words.
But 60 is only a few years away from retirement. Maybe she’s coasting and is having Big Feelings about getting closer to being totally invisible and considered useless by society and is having an extinction burst here. If you’re able to approach with kindness and compassion you might get something out of her. Maybe!
Anon
Yeah, she’s early 60s so part of me hopes she will announce her retirement soon! I’ve tried getting to know her by inviting her to coffee and lunch, which she declines. We’re hybrid, and she closes her door and puts on music when in the office, generally avoiding people. I definitely can try your suggestion to butter up her ego and ask for help given her extensive experience!
Anon
This woman has no managerial authority over you or your direct reports, right? Tell your reports they are not to take on assignments from her without your approval, and tell her she is not to delegate to them without your approval. And unless there are extenuating circumstances where that is the correct business decision, tell her no when she demands others do her job. If she pushes back, point her towards her boss for help. You don’t report to her and you don’t manage her, so you don’t need to kowtow to her nor do you need to solve her problems for her.
When she states that she does not know why you do something, don’t jump to justify yourself. She hasn’t even asked a question. If you respond at all, let it be bland. Maybe just a “Noted” and move on. If she gets weird or wants to pick a fight about your decision, make the narrative about how she doesn’t understand and suggest she look at A, B, and C resources so she can educate herself. Unless it is literally your job, why would you need to explain the CRM to her? She is an adult and can read the wiki for it herself. That is not your problem.
Anon
Correct, no managerial authority over anyone. I like saying no. I did tell my boss that her requests interfere with my direct reports, and boss said it’s ok to say no. The problem becomes the constant email back and forth when my direct reports say no, or I Jump in and say “Mary can’t do that – she’s working on something else today”. The woman always insists she just needs help immediately. It’s def none of our jobs to teach her about the CRM or other resources.
anecdata
What happens if you just… don’t respond to her reply where she says she needs help immediately?
Anon
She pings us on slack and fwds emails with “I don’t know if you saw this”…
Anon
To the OP: again, she just publicly stated her ignorance about whether or not you saw her email. She didn’t ask a question, she didn’t issue you a summons. Ignore her or respond to the words she actually said (“Yes, my email seems to be working. Thanks for checking!”). Don’t take the bait, don’t defend yourself. Let her be late, let her get stuck, let her sit on read. Don’t translate her passive-aggressive manipulative words. If she has a question, she can ask it like an adult. Tell her no, you and your team are not going to do her job for her.
Anon
Also, I like “noted”. I’ve been trying to suggest she look at resources or just say “my numbers are from the CRM”, but then she gets into a back and forth email chain about “who/what/when/where/why” and I spend too much time justifying things to her, when I don’t need her approval or understanding.
Anon
First, be very careful to avoid saying anything that could be interpreted as age discrimination. She is in a protected category. You are not (at least based on age). So avoid any reference to her giving assignments to “junior” team members, to her not learning CRM (unless it is directly relevant to her not doing her job), to her comparing you to her daughter, or to how long she has been with the company.
Second, you don’t manage her. Talk to your boss and let your boss handle it (or not). And if your boss is refusing to deal with it, then learn to deal and hope she retires (without ever saying that out loud). If she has been with the company a long time the chances that anything will change are minimal at best. Let her complain, say “I appreciate your input” and do what you were going to do anyway. And continue to refuse to let her pass her work on to other people on the team unless your boss instructs otherwise. But be aware that if she has been with the company a long time with good reviews and suddenly starts having issues with two new and much younger superiors, she will have a claim that any plaintiff lawyer would take.
Anon
This is helpful! I’m 39, and I believe 40 is the age for a protected class. Appreciate the caution around “junior” staff etc!
Sadly the CRM is directly related to her job. She’s been farming out her work to other people for years, so perhaps she could argue it’s not her job. However, our boss had us re-write job descriptions for the entire dept. when I was hired in a new role, and no one else’s JD includes data management for her portfolio of partnerships that she alone owns. That’s in her own JD.
She hasn’t gotten great reviews because she hasn’t met her revenue goals year over year. I don’t love that leadership’s solution was to create a new position to generate new revenue and prop up the department, but that was the decision.
Anon
Do not hand-hold her for the CRM stuff. If it’s been in place for several years, just be matter of fact and state that it was in the client notes in the CRM, which she can navigate to herself if she needs confirmation. Stop taking on the work of relieving her from the angst of her own ignorance and let her fail. Let her revenue numbers go down, let her dig her own grave here.
NaoNao
I’m struggling with my hair and could use some advice here. I’m 45 for reference, but this feels like it’s been going on for decades, it’s just gotten worse in the past 5 years or so.
I have 40-50% gray that I’m growing out (or trying to). It’s thick and wavy. I live in an ultra-dry climate and it seems like I can’t get enough moisture in the ends so it always looks fried, even though I don’t use heat styling and very rarely color it (and don’t use grocery store box color when I did–last time I dyed was 9-12 months ago as well).
My complaint is that it seems like I’m in this catch-22. When I apply product (sparingly) to help the hair look shiny and style it, it seems like it gets oily and greasy in 48 hours. When I don’t use conditioner and don’t really use product, it looks really unkempt but I get another day before having to shampoo and usually Day 2 and 3 the hair looks a bit better. I suspect the quality of the water is an issue but there’s not much I can do about that–even with a serious filter in my old apartment I still struggled.
I feel like I’ve tried everything: expensive shampoo, no ‘poo wash, longer/shorter wash cycles, the curly girl method, wearing a silk turban to sleep in, all different types of styling products, and on and on. It just feels like lifeless, fried straw the day of washing and then gets greasy like 2-2.5 days later which is irritating as hell because I have so.much.hair (every single hair dresser I’ve ever had has been blown away by how much hair there is!) so how is it getting so oily?!?
Does anyone have a similar hair type and struggles that can guide me here? Much appreciated :)
Anonymous
I have hair that gets oily and basically, the only thing that works for me is washing every day. Yes, I’ve tried all the theories about how to train your scalp to not get washed every day. Doesn’t work. So I just have gotten comfortable with washing every day, conditioning the ends, and going from there. I wish I had a magic solution for you!
Anon
Is the issue that you don’t want to wash daily due to the amount of hair that you have?
Because based on what I read here, I’d wash the roots every other day and apply leave-in conditioner about halfway down to the ends.
NaoNao
It’s just a hassle and the first-day post wash looks and feels fragile and fried and hard to work with. I also favor rather pricey shampoo and I feel like I’m blowing through shampoo by doing it every day. But also as a lesser concern, I also have a TON of hairfall when I shampoo, and that’s always disconcerting as well.
Anonymous
Gray hair has a coarse texture and will never be shiny and smooth without keratin treatment. My hair is very prematurely gray and is thick and wavy. I color it back to its original color because gray hair is not natural or appropriate at my age. The only way I have found to manage the texture and prevent greasiness is a pixie cut that I shampoo every morning. Before I got the pixie cut I’d blow-dry it straight every morning to smooth it out, but the humidity would wreck it very quickly.
anon
I have thick hair which used to work with curly hair products and now the curl pattern has changed and it’s just weird. I am also finding I need to wash it more than I used to. I think hormones just change lots of things about hair as you age. I’d use products and just wash more often.
Anon
Wash every other day and use a bond repair mask as your last step.
Anon
Very similar hair to me and I feel your frustration, especially as I can’t use scented products (migraines).
Have you tried Olaplex treatment?
I apply conditioner in an small amount and leave it, which gives me good hair that day, then rinse it out the next day, which saves the hassle of rewashing but does me it gets wet and takes time to dry.
I would also try a new hairdresser for an easier-to-manage cut. I once cut mine into a really short mens cut and loved it but my husband hated it so can’t do it again. Try more styles!
NaoNao
I have tried Oloplex–I recently got a haircut (and it’s in a long bob that’s very easy to manage!) and my stylist explained that Oloplex is designed for a very specific circumstance: healing and bonding the hair during and immediately after bleaching. That’s not my circumstances and explains why I was very underwhelmed by it! But K-18 did help a ton, it’s just SO pricey.
Honestly if I wasn’t married it would be in a Rosemary’s Baby ultra-pixie but my husband asks for very little and he much prefers longer hair so I indulge him.
Anon
The most important part of your post: “ultra-dry climate.” I have very fine, wavy hair, so different from your hair type, but I too live in a desert. My desert is also a high-altitude, temperate desert, so I get freezing winters as well. I have tried everything with my hair, and I also am so frustrated by its texture. I have accepted that the dry climate is just terrible for my hair. Maybe you must also come to this acceptance. The problem is not you, and the problem is not your products. The problem is the climate you live in. These days, I let my hair be and focus on aspects of my appearance over which I have better control: clothes, makeup, accessories.
NYNY
My hair is similar, and I’ve been dealing with a lot of dryness, dullness, and puffiness recently. I tried several products with protein/keratin, and learned that my hair haaaates that. The straw feeling you mentioned is what I experienced with protein masks & conditioners.
I truly just need moisture. What works for me: wash 2-3X/week with a moisturizing shampoo and conditioner or mask, use literally 1 drop of squalene oil on my damp hair before using my regular styling products and drying it. More than 1 drop of oil and it gets greasy. But no oil means it gets dry and puffy. I had a bottle of Biossance 100% squalene oil that I had gotten for skincare but didn’t love, so using it on my hair has been super-satisfying.