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Here's maybe an odd question today: How do you differentiate between relaxation, procrastination, and drawing the line between “good” ways of relaxing with things that you “should” do (exercise, meditation, yoga, reading educational or challenging things) vs. things that you always enjoy doing?
This has been on my mind a bit because it's something I struggle with myself. I've been telling myself I should get into adult coloring or some other mindful drawing activity because hey, coloring is kind of good for mindfulness/meditation, right? But when I think about planning a block into my day for coloring it feels… wildly useless compared to all the things I “should” be doing. (And we're not even talking about relaxation “shoulds” — like how could I honestly sit there with a coloring book if my place is a mess or dishes need to be done or I could be spending time with my family or friends?)
{related: how to build good habits}
Then I start thinking that I should multitask — for example, listening to an educational book or podcast while doing something mindful like coloring or knitting. But then that starts to feel less relaxing — and almost takes us back to our previous discussion about productive or fulfilling hobbies.
But I also feel extreme guilt over some of the things that I do to “relax” — playing iPad games, looking at Instagram, Twitter, or TikTok, or reading “unchallenging” novels. Screentime galore! I don't spend a lot of time with TV or movies and I tend to think of that as social or bonding time with my husband or kids, so that isn't a huge issue. And yet, I enjoy them so much that the “shoulds” like the dishes, messes, etc. don't bother me with those relaxation things.
So, the questions today: HOW do you relax? Do you feel guilt over the ways that you relax? How do you balance the “good” relaxation methods with the less-than-stellar ones?
{related: is self-care just adulting? (CorporetteMoms)}
Stock photo via Stencil.
Allie
What?!? Just enjoy your screen time Kat.
Anon
+1000000 life is too short to worry about this non-issue. If you want to watch Bravo? That’s great! If you want to stare at your wall? That’s great! If you want to do a crossword? Also great! Stop it with these exceptions of what you should do and just DO whatever you want to do! No one else cares. I promise.
Cat
same!
The only thing I would add is I sometimes drag my feet about going outside… but never regret it afterward.
Anon
Great question! And timely as we move out of Covid times when we had so much free time (some of us more than others)…another question…what are some things you’ll leave behind with Covid lockdown times?
Anonymous
We’ve just had our second highest day of covid cases and yesterday our hospital system said it’s about to triple or quadruple so avoid the hospital system as 1/4 of their doctors are off sick…not moving out of Covid times here.
Anon
Where are you? The US is nowhere near our high numbers.
BeenThatGuy
I used to have a lot of guilt about taking downtime for myself. With age, I’ve lost the guilt and make it a priority. My family won’t starve if I wait 15 minutes to cook dinner because I’m playing Candy Crush. The world won’t stop revolving because the chores aren’t done. But what will happen if I won’t get my downtime is I’m miserable, crabby and angry. No one wins in that situation. I’ve learned to take the time that I need, whether it’s several hours or only a few minutes, and take care of myself.
Vicky Austin
This is a great perspective and one I needed to hear. Thank you.
Anon
Maybe your family could pick up the dinner job so you can relax after a hard day at the office!
Anonymous
First off, multitasking is the exact opposite of mindfulness, so if you are trying to listen to a podcast during a mindful activity it cancels out the mindfulness benefits. Second, relaxation is supposed to be, well, relaxing. What is wrong with reading a book that isn’t “challenging”? Most of us here are engaging in challenging work all day and need some downtime to refresh our brains. This is a just another manifestation of the Puritan strain in American culture. All work and no play–even play should be work. We should feel guilty whenever we are having fun because enjoying oneself is sinful.
Anon
Yup, I used to read for pleasure a lot (less so now that I’m in school), but I’ve never once chosen to read a challenging book. If I don’t like a book, I stop reading it. Aside from what was required reading in school, I haven’t read any classics, and I have no intention to start (and what was assigned, I still didn’t really read).
Overall I don’t love chick lit/romance but I read plenty of fluffy contemporary fiction, lots of historical fiction with a mystery, and mysteries, and narrative nonfiction. I don’t read books on topics that don’t interest me or on heavy topics. I also don’t pleasure read books about my work or grad school topics.
Anon
My SO and I have a policy of “your own oxygen mask first.” Part of that is doing things that fulfill you or allow you to log out. Sometimes we do those types of things together, like hiking.
I think the procrastinating can be seen as doing things that serve no one, including yourself, and that do not fulfill you in any positive way. We both find are guilty of looking at IG for too long. It doesn’t make us feel better. Coloring does make me feel better. Gardening makes him feel better. His produces food of course and flowers. I would never want to hang that art up that I color (it’s a curse word coloring book LOL) but it still makes me better for everyone else. But if Bravo or coloring or chatting with girlfriends make me feel better without taking from myself so that he has to fill in the rest, it’s not procrastination just because it’s not productive.
Shoulds really depend on the should. We both know we should go to the gym because we are both mentally and physically better. But I will say I am much better at doing my shoulds like chores and errands when I am fulfilled with the other things like anyone. It’s all a balance. Cut the non-productive things that do not make you happy and anyone who makes you feel guilty about that needs to have a family meeting about oxygen masks or scheduling/balance of joint tasks and responsibilities.
Anon
I work full time, am in grad school part time, have some hobbies/a good social life/some family commitments that all keep me busy a few hours a week, and I live alone so all house stuff is on me. There’s always something I should be doing, so when I feel I need to recharge I very consciously tell myself that I’m resting and I’m not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
I’m not a huge TV person so TV is almost always procrastination for me. The exceptions are the Bachelor (social time because I get together with 4 friends to watch it), my NFL team (usually social, but occasionally I watch solo), and Survivor.
My hobbies are mostly active and mostly social: tennis, biking, hiking, training for half marathons, club soccer team. I don’t really have at home hobbies, besides reading but with being back in school reading is more like work. I’d also say socializing (happy hour, dinners, etc) is a hobby of mine.
If I need to relax, getting out in nature is the best thing I can do for myself but sometimes it’s hard to convince myself, and sometimes I’m physically tired in which case I veg on the couch and watch TV which is fine but I don’t love.
I waste wayyyy too much time on my phone which I’m trying to improve on.
Anon
Remember when multi-tasking meant you could have more than one program open on your computer at the same time?! Ah, the good old days!
Anonymous
I learned to let go of the guilt a long time ago. I view self-care as an essential part of my day, akin to a tradesperson taking care of their tools. I have learned to put my own oxygen mask on first, so that I can breathe and be of use to other people.
The world is not going to fall down around me if I sit for 30 minutes and enjoy a cup of coffee while ignoring the unwashed dishes. No one is going to starve or go naked if I read, or color, for an hour. All of the things will still be there when I prioritize taking care of myself, which includes getting 8 hours of sleep, the difference is I will be well-rested and more capable of dealing with them.
I hope you’re able to get to a place where you can let go of the guilt over perceived ‘shoulds’.