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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This jacket from Brandon Maxwell looks stunning, and I love the ribbed collar with its layers and shawl collar style. As styled here, it's hard to imagine it with a blouse underneath, but I would say go very simple, either with a scoopneck t-shirt, etc., or a turtleneck. Even though it's a beigey, off white crepe, I would pair it with a crisp white and wear it at this time of year. The jacket is $2,195 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes 2–10. Ribbed-Collar Crepe Suiting Jacket
More affordable options are from Vince Camuto and Eileen Fisher (straight sizes) and Talbots (plus sizes).
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Is there any positive way to explain to recruiters that you were let go?
I have an otherwise good profile and started networking. Already lined up several calls with recruiters but dreading the part where I have to explain that I was terminated and that is why I am looking for a job now.
I want to position this situation as a mutual decision because it was. I had several discussions with the team explaining that I was unhappy. If they hadn’t decided to fire me, I would have left on my own but not before landing another job.
Anonymous
“Not a good fit.” Then explain why the new place you are looking for is a better fit.
Houda
I was in a somehow similar situation and I explained that I wanted to try consulting and after 2 years realized I want to go back to industry because I learned what I had to learn and found the consulting lifestyle (90% travel, 70-80 hrs weeks) not to be a fit. Nobody bats an eye
shoes
Oh thank goodness, this will probably be me. Can you say what industry you exited to?
Houda
This is very recent, I’m still in this process as I’m also moving countries and need to work on visas etc. so my case is more complicated.
For now I got an offer in retail (declined it), progressing on a role in Telco and very early in the process for retail banking. you get quite a few options of industries after consulting.
My comment was more about how recruiters don’t care as much as we’d think about the whole ending a phase with an employer as long as you didn’t do anything unethical or burn bridges.
Juvi
If you need more perfume (or want to go off the beaten path), I’ve been so impressed with some folks from my hometown who started Hyde + Alchemy. Tiny perfumerie, roll on perfume oils. I just got a sampler from them and am just obsessed.
(not related, don’t know the people who run it, just nice to see a small biz springing forth in the Midwest and doing well).
Perfumes
What type of perfumes have you found the most of in your discovery kit? Do they focus on a particular type of perfumes? (gourmand, citrus, green, floral, musky)? Thanks!
Juvi
I think they send you all of them, in little vials, and then the price of the kit works as a credit for what you decide to buy. :)
Anon
Just FYI, I’m one of the people that gets headaches from being around your perfume (about 10% of the population are estimated to have significant sensitivities to stuff like that). Just pray I’m not your boss or client one day b/c I will remember that you wear the stuff (I can’t not physically be reminded) and I absolutely will punish you for it behind your back if I have the power to do so. Besides, it’s like a tattoo or long finger nails – it’s never going to be the right thing, no matter how much you spend. Nor is your overly-perfumed shampoo and such.
Triangle Pose
Do you also punish people behind their backs for having tattoos or long manicures? Sheesh.
Anon
No b/c it doesn’t effect me. That’s why I used the word “besides”.
AnotherAnon
Then you should also know it’s “affect me”…
Juvi
You seem like you’d be fun at parties.
Anon
I am. That’s why you’d never know or suspect.
Anon
Wow. I have gotten splitting headaches from certain colleagues’ scents (I think it’s probably usually fabric softener rather than perfume), but I do not hold it against them in any way, or take any action other than standing farther away when I can. You have problems beyond your sensitivities.
Anon
Like honesty?
3:09 Anon
You sound like the kind of person who is allergic to cats and therefore hates them and hates everyone who likes them. I completely agree that workplaces should be scent-free (I get headaches from scents too, and this affects my work). But taking secret revenge on people helps no one.
Sadie
vindictiveness is not honesty.
“that perfume gives me a headache/triggers my allergies” is honesty. Tanking your life in any way possible behind your back without ever saying why is petty, childish and vindictive.
Anonymous
In a work context, can’t you just nicely let your colleague know that it gives you migraines or whatever? I would certainly stop wearing scents in that case. I don’t know why you are being so hostile about it?
Anon
You should just stop wearing scents. I’m so hostile b/c I spend a TON of time trying to be nice to people. Like, can I leave my in/outbox in the hall so overly-scented mail deliverer doesn’t give me a headache today. Can I avoid riding the elevator with Jr Associate b/c she’s always smelling like something and On and On and On. Just stop wearing scents professionally and publicly actually.
Anonymous
Tattoos may not be the right thing for you, but they’re the right thing for plenty of people, and luckily they, not you, are the ones who get to make the call on what’s right for their own bodies.
Anon
Again, tattoos don’t effect me. Other people shouldn’t have the right to give me headaches constantly.
Anonymous
“Besides, it’s like a tattoo or long finger nails – it’s never going to be the right thing, no matter how much you spend.”
They don’t affect you, but that didn’t stop you from making this judgmental comment about them to make your point about things that do affect you.
Wow
This is crazy. I am just stunned to read this response.
There are people who have problems you describe, and no one should wear too much perfume anyway, but, girl: it’s normal and fun and interesting and pleasurable to wear perfume. Yes, normal.
Anon
I get that Anon’s tone reads pretty harsh, but I have a lot of empathy for her point. Many perfumes have synthetic compounds that are unhealthy, contribute to indoor air pollution, and create difficult symptoms for some (not all!) bystanders. It’s objectively true. Some day I believe we’ll think of perfume in the same way we think about second-hand smoke. It’s certainly socially fraught to ask people to keep their scents out of public airspace, but it’s a reasonable request as far as I’m concerned.
anononono
Hello from the girl with long fingernails and a tattoo :)
Anon
This thread and all the over the top responses just made me put some scent on. Luckily, I keep some in my desk drawer.
anon-for-this
Will I be committing career suicide?
I am in the running for a position as a conflicts attorney at a big firm. I’ve spend the last sixteen years as a litigator – the last decade for the government. My current job environment is toxic to the point that I’ve developed health problems as a result of it. I’ve been looking to get out for the past 18 months, mostly applying for in house positions, with no luck. This conflicts position is the closest I’ve come to another job opportunity by a country mile. However, I’m afraid if I take this position, it will harm any chance for career advancement, not just at the firm, but elsewhere. Thoughts?
In-House in Houston
I think if you still have aspirations to move in-house, taking this position will not help you on that front. But if you feel like you’d be able to stay at a firm, then I think it probably won’t hurt you.
Triangle Pose
Agreed/
anon
Just a note from my experience, if the firm is toxic all of the departments will also be toxic. Do your research on the firm. Just because you have “attorney” in your title doesn’t mean you will be considered an equal. You will now be staff and treated as such. The demands and life/work balance may not be better and the pay will be less.
anonymous
Taking the conflicts position is likely going to change your career path. As mentioned above, it is going to be a lot harder to go in-house after taking the position. Was it you who posted this last week, but someone asked about pay. I had asked a mentor about conflicts attorneys when I was miserable in biglaw a few years ago and her recommendation was not to take it. Granted, I was 4 years out of law school and she was of the opinion that it would change my career trajectory pretty permanently, but you are much more advanced than I am and may have different goals. Sadly, I do agree with the 9:40 anon that once you are considered staff, you are looked at differently, as does your career path and future employers.
Scarlett
If your current job is causing you health problems, I don’t think you should stay because of career aspirations. Doesn’t sound like a place you’re likely to succeed. As for a staff attorney/conflicts type position, it’s not usually a path to in-house or partner, but I’d just think about whether that matters right now. Sometimes you need an income and to leave a bad situation.
Wow
Sadly, I think your instincts are correct.
Anonymous
I spent several year’s in my former firm’s general counsel’s office (not responsible for conflicts – we had a separate department) and have a good friend who is now a senior conflicts attorney at a large national firm. I would take the responses at 9:30 and 10:06 with a grain of salt because you are coming to this with 16 years of litigation experience and aren’t shifting to the role from a firm associate position so the “staff” aspect will be very different for you.
Whether or not you will have a good experience in the role depends very much on the firm and how they set up the conflicts attorney positions. IMO, if conflicts attorneys report in to the firm’s general counsel (even if through a more senior conflicts attorney), your work will remain more “legal” in nature than if conflicts is a separate department. My friend has been a conflicts attorney for ~4 years now, reporting directly to the firm GC, and her role has expanded and her duties have shifted as she has proven herself. I’d say she feels fairly respected by the firm partners I don’t think the conflicts attorneys at my prior firm felt that way.
Fwiw, law firms offer good benefits, good time off and good compensation in very comfortable centrally located offices — nothing to sneer at. You could be very comfortable in this sort of role for at least a few years and, if you like it, you might be able to get hired to lead/develop the function at a smaller firm that is looking to professionalize its conflicts team.
As for whether this position would harm your chances for career advancement if you don’t like conflicts work, I don’t think it helps you move towards an in house role with a corporation but I don’t think it precludes a return to litigation or to government given your existing experience. For example, I could see you parlaying this role into a more compliance focused role in state government. It might not be easy – but you’ve already spent 18 months trying to make a move from a toxic environment, so it’s not like it’s easy for you today.
Anonymous
Forgive the ignorant question from a non-lawyer….why is a conflicts position a step down to staff? You are still a lawyer, yes?
Ellen
Let me help. Being a conflict’s lawyer in a firm tells lawyers if there is a reason they can NOT take a case. It is kind of like being the firm’s ethics lawyer. Absolutely NO glamour and no one in the firm cares about you. You are equavilent to someone buying pencils and paperclips, and often they get mad b/c they can NOT take on a cleint b/c you said NOT TO. Yes, you are still an attorney at law, duly admitted and in good standing, but trust me, no one likes conflicts decisions. FOOEY on them!
At my firm we ALWAYS take on a cleint, even if there could be a conflict’s b/c we get busness out of it, so the manageing partner just automatically waves the conflicts. He said he is due to retire in a few years, so he can do this and get a bigger 401k out if it. I think I agree, b/c after all, we are the ones doeing the work not the cleint’s so why should they have any kind of a say on what we, as lawyers, do and do NOT do. I never had a conflict class in law school, so therefore agree with the manageing partner! YAY!
Triangle Pose
You’re no longer a client servicing lawyer bringing in money for the firm – they are not billing you, you are not bringing in business. You are in a staff position now, supporting the lawyers who do bring in the business by running conflicts.
Anonymous
Ahhh…. I see. So kind of like being in-house…. within a firm?
Triangle Pose
Functionally yes, I suppose…but I don’t think conflicts lawyers use the term “in-house” and they don’t qualify as in-house for any in-house trade organizations because they still work for a law firm.
cbackson
I think you should think about what “career suicide” means to you. If your career goals are partnership in midlaw or biglaw, then yes, this probably makes that substantially harder if not impossible. Similarly, I think it doesn’t help for most in-house jobs, and could hurt you only because it is experience that likely wouldn’t strengthen your resume. But what do you actually want in your career? What are the characteristics of a job that would make you happy? What kind of work environment do you want to be in? Will this hinder you from being able to keep a job that ticks those boxes? That’s what matters.
January
+1 – I was going to suggest thinking about what career advancement means to you, which is just the other side of the same coin.
Anon
As someone not in law at all, who has learned so much from this s!te, what does it mean to be a conflicts attorney? I’ve picked up that it’s different from other big law positions, but I’m not sure exactly how.
Anonymous
Ladies, I am so mad. I just had my annual performance review. My direct boss gave me a great rating. Then I found out that for stupid organizational reasons (long story) boss’s boss has final say on my rating. I did not know this. No one communicated this to me. Top boss is incompetent and knows nothing about what I do, but she downgraded my rating.
If I’d know she was the person ranking me, I would have put more effort into communicating my successes to her, but I didn’t, and can’t go back in time to do so.
So mad at the total lack of transparency. Yes, lesson learned. You need to sell yourself to your boss’ boss. But I’m still mad. And sad too, because if I think about this objectively it’s obvious that I don’t have much of a future in this department, and have to start planning my next move.
Ugh. I really liked it here.
Anonymous
Sorry, there was supposed to be a question in there.
has anyone had a similar experience!
Is this a sign that I don’t have a future in this role? How obvious a sign?
Anonymous
I’m sorry you’re going through this. For your future reference, and other readers, all the basic elements of the situation you outlined here are very common, even standard.
Anonymous
Yes, this.
Anonymous
Appreciate your responses. This protocol is not standard at my org, which is why I wish it had been communicated to me upfront.
anon8
This is not standard in my company. My manager gives me a rating and that is what is recorded in our HR tool. No one changes it.
Anon
Yes, that goes on in my current job. I really dislike my direct supervisor’s boss. My direct supervisor is leaving the company soon :(
Anonymous
HR downgraded 80% of the BU I worked in at my last job, only to save money in merit raises. No one who approved my downgrade (my boss and boss’s boss fought it) knew anything about what I did and didn’t care. Just an FYI.
NYNY
I’m assuming that since you didn’t know that this was the protocol, you’re fairly new and this is the first performance review cycle you’ve been through at your organization. If I’m wrong, this may not be helpful.
Have you been able to talk to your boss about it? Many organizations have quotas for how many high scores they can give, so there’s a political factor in who gets them. And many places have an unwritten rule that you can’t get higher than a “meets expectations” in your first year on the job. Ask open-ended questions about what the downgrade means and if there is anything you should be doing differently, and hopefully you will learn what it really means. It might mean nothing.
Anonymous
Thank you. This is helpful.
I’m new to this org and yes, there are political factors aplenty at play.
My boss is supportive and disagrees with the downgrade. I will try to have a productive conversation with my top boss. Still mad though, especially because she didn’t bother to communicate the decision to me in person.
Anon
This is pretty common. Your boss might just be an “easy grader” and the top boss has to calibrate across all her departments. I’ve never had a top boss communicate a change to me personally, and I’ve been victim to easy and tough graders, so it’s both helped and hurt me. Now I’m the boss’s boss who does the calibrations, and I still believe in this system.
Gently, watch the language you use about your top boss. Someone is not incompetent just because they don’t know the details of what you do. It’s your boss’s job to sell your accomplishments to her, and it’s your boss’s job to communicate ratings changes to you. You say you’re new to the company, so I’m surprised you have this level of contempt for someone you barely know.
I would not bring this up to top boss. If you want to have a productive conversation, I’d let go of everything related to the ranking. Instead, I’d have a “career path” discussion with her – tell her your goals for your next 2-3 roles and ask her what she would need to see from you to make that a reality. Ask her what a likely timeline would be, and what sort of pitfalls you’ll need to watch out for.
Her answers and attentiveness in that convo will tell you whether you have a future at the org. You might walk out of there with a new mentor, or you might walk out of there and update your resume. Your rating has nothing to do with it, though.
Anonymous
This is very helpful, thank you. I will try to have a productive conversation.
Anonymous
For context, everyone in this company is Ethnicity A in Country A (non-English speaking). I’m from Ethnicity B, hired to help the company expand its business in region B. I was assigned to this department by top management, not at the request of my top boss. It’s political and complicated, which is what’s behind my reaction.
Ses
I agree with anon in the caution that this is a common system, and that the OP’s contempt is surprising for someone new to the company.
I just want to add that from my perspective the immediate boss might be giving you a biased view of their boss.
If my boss downgraded the rating I had for an employee, I’d argue with him behind closed doors, but ultimately I’d own it when it came to telling my employee the reasons, and not try to get good-guy credit for the initial rating.
My thought is that your immediate boss is kind of quick to let the grand-boss take blame.
Anon
I think Anon @ 10:07 gave you some really good advice, especially in her second and third paragraphs. I understand that being surprised by this is making you upset. It would make me upset, too. But it does sound like something you will have to learn how to deal with.
H
I can understand the frustration. However, unless it was a horrific downgrade, such as went from exceeds expectations to performed below expectations, I don’t think it necessarily means you don’t have a future at the company. And it may not even affect your raise.
Anonymous
Agreed. It’s probably more about norms in the org and leaving room to improve. I get why you’re annoyed but I don’t think it means doom.
Anonymous
Thank you. Nah, not a horrific downgrade. It will affect my bonus by a few grand but I can survive. Just frustrated. Appreciate all the comments helping me put this in perspective.
anon8
I would be frustrated too. It would have been helpful to know the process up front.
Godzilla
This is how it works in my company – and new hires are told that their ratings will be low-ish so that existing employees that have been working really hard get a good rating. Ratings affect our bonuses and there are limited numbers of higher ratings to go around. Having celebrated my tenth anniversary (I am Old or Approaching Old, I guess, while still technically a millenial), all I can tell you is that everything is political. You’ve gotten some good advice on here, I hope you make good use of it.
Jen
This is the case at most companies I’ve worked at. The way it is supposed to work is that your boss’s boss should talk through any changes to the review with your boss. A good boss will argue successfully to keep your rating.
This is most common in companies that force-rank. You could be the best of your boss’s report’s, but middle of the road compared to your peer’s reports. When t comes time for bonus/merit increases, the pool is typically more than one step above you.
I hate when companies do force ranking, but they do.
Anonymous
For those of you who have the iPhone X, do you like it?
FP
I do! For reference, I had an iphone 6 plus that I always felt was too large, and couldn’t use one hand to control things. So when I decided to upgrade, it was between the X and the iphone 8. I decided to bite the bullet and get the X due to the better cameras and wireless charging.
Anon
My SO is a tech geek and returned his iPhoneX for the 8+. He felt that any of the additional features above and beyond the 8+ were just gimmicky and not worth the extra cost.
NYCer
I have the X. Is it the most amazing phone ever? No. Do I like it? Yes, quite a lot. Granted I was coming from an iPhone 6 that had started having some technical issues.
The camera is great. I find it very intuitive / easy to use. The battery lasts a long time.
Anon
Yep, except that it’s heavier than prior models.
Anonymous
Wow, this is gorgeous, although it always strikes me as very funny when retailers style blazers with no shirts underneath. Do they think women in the workplace are happy to go topless under their blazers??
Triangle Pose
Agree on the styling, ugh.
Beautiful piece but why are the sleeves so long on the model? It looks bad to me – should be bracelet length.
Anonymous
Shrug – it’s a look (long and lean). Probably works better with the no-shirt look than with-shirt look.
I imagine there’s not buttons on the cuff, so you could fix that if you wanted.
Triangle Pose
Do you mean you think it makes the model look long and lean? I think it just looks like it doesn’t fit her right.
January
But, per Kat’s suggestion to keep it simple, what could be MORE simple than no shirt at all???
#notserious
Ellen
Yes, who wears a suit like this? With nor shirt? OMG! Frank would be all over me if I came without a blouse and a cami. How silly! No wonder men objectify us. To them we are just a pair of boobies attached to a torso. FOOEY! For once, I would like to think that men would respect me for my mind. DOUBEL FOOEY on men that do NOT!
NYNY
Have any of you used the Eileen Fisher garment restoration service? I have a pale grey cashmere open cardigan from EF that I’ve worn so much over the years that I wore holes in the elbows. I’ve been looking for a replacement, but for at least the last year, all open cardigans seem to be long or have the dreaded hi-lo (mullet) hemline. Mine is trim, 3/4 sleeve, hits at the high hip, and is the perfect topper for 3 seasons of the year. I just learned about the service, and it sounds too good to be true. Do they really repair old items for free?
Anon
Why don’t you call or email them and ask what they’ll be able to do?
Anon
I mean, yeah, that’s Eileen Fisher’s mission – to produce sustainable clothing, which includes repairable clothing.
I returned a sweater to them that had two knitted pieces coming apart and raveling – the body of the cardigan + the ribbing of the cardigan. They repaired it invisibly and it was as good as new. I recall it taking a long time, but I may have Amazon Prime expectations stuck in my head for how long things should take.
NYNY
Since it’s unwearable now, even if it takes a long time, it would be worth it. I’ll take it in. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Parfait
Is that still a thing? I have a dress that I love from there that is wearing out, but all I’m finding via Google is a lot of dead links.
Parfait
ooh spoke too soon. Here’s the info, in case anyone else wants it:
https://www.eileenfisherrenew.com/our-story
SuperAnon
Have any of you gone through a period where once you created healthy boundaries for the people in your life, you were left with not as many friends? After a few years of therapy, I realized I take on other people’s dramas and end up getting stressed out and ultimately not respected. So I took a step back and reevaluated how I let other people treat me, what I put up with etc.
Flash forward a year or two later and I have a really supportive SO and a few good friends in other cities but I dont really have a set of girlfriends here like I used to (or even a bff anymore really). And I’m worried I dont know how to make new healthy friendships. I’ve joined some organizations in my city to try to branch out but I feel like everyone has their “people” already. I’m not even looking for a large group or anything/I know not everyone has a set of friends or many friends in their area so maybe this is my new normal but its an adjustment for me and feels kind of lonely.
Anonymous
I’m kind of in the same boat. Have a great husband and a few (3-4) very close friends who live out of town, but I’m slowly growing apart from my core group of girlfriends who live in my city. I’m just realizing that I don’t have a ton in common with them anymore and I often don’t like how they treat me. And on their part, they seem to be reaching out to me less and less, and I find that I don’t miss them all that much (but do end up feeling lonely as a result). I’m not sure how to fix it, because I feel like most women I meet already have their “people” and even if they didn’t, it’s so hard to become intimate friends with another woman when you don’t have tons of time to cultivate that friendship. Like, if I get lunch or dinner or drinks with someone a couple times a month, I’m not going to form a friendship with her as if we were in college seeing each other every day for hours at a time.
Anon
I posted below but it’s in m0d. You will probably never have friendships like those you had in college again, and that is OK and normal. When I think about the level of intimacy and sharing of details I had with my college friends, it feels inappropriate that I would have anyone that close now, other than my SO.
Anon
You do you, but I wouldn’t ever think of friendships like that as being inappropriate.
Anonymous
+1
Never too many shoes...
I am not sure I agree that it is normal not to have the same level of intimacy in friendships as you age. If anything, I feel like my old friends have become more intimate over the years as we have aged together…or perhaps I am missing something about what you meant?
Anonymous
I re-evaluated what friendship was. I have great close friends. I also need people to grab a mani with or see a movie. Those people don’t need to be absolute perfection! It’s okay for those friendships to have issues because I know I’m not relying on them for my emotional health.
Anonymous
This. I have a few long time close friends and a wider circle of other friends who I might grab brunch with or sign up for a running clinic together.
Anonymous
Yes. This is part of growing up and very normal.
Torin
Yes.
Sometimes I think I miss my old “close” friendships, but then when I get together with that group I never seem to have as much fun as I used to. I think what I miss was being that care-free.
Anonymous
Yes, been through this as well.
Anon
I miss having close friends and sometimes do feel lonely, but we’re all so tied up with work and family or whatever that it’s difficult for us to find time for each other. I occasionally call one of my close friends when I just need to talk through something and she is awesome for that (and I try to do that for her), but we rarely get together socially because she often has her grandkids and doesn’t want to leave them at home (13 yo boys). I realized, the other night when a friend was having a crisis, that despite feeling like I should go be with her for support, I was just too tired to go there and get mired in the negativity of what’s going on with her in our shared workplace. She is being treated badly, but she wants to cast the whole place as being a mess. I am sympathetic, but sometimes don’t have the mental energy. This all to say that sometimes I see my very social friends on Fb and I feel left out, but I don’t have the time or energy (or money) to constantly eat out with them, so they don’t think of me. Most of them time, I’m pretty happy using my time to recharge.
JuniorMinion
Yep. I’m 30 and it appears my decision to go to bed at night on weekends means there are some people I just don’t really see as much of. I’m also becoming a semi-serious lifter and thus plan some stuff (trying to be healthier / low key stuff if I am going to lift in the morning) and I think there are some people that just don’t get it?
There is a great TED talk by Meg Jay about your 30s and in it she says that the urban tribe is overrated and can sometimes keep us from taking risks / opening ourselves to possibilities that we might not have known of. I kind of agree with her, much of the good in my life has come from opening myself up to relationships with new people / just in general being an open person as opposed to one of those people who says “this is my friends group and that’s all there is”
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s that people don’t get it. You’ve decided to prioritize a hobby that makes demands on your time. That’s great! But I haven’t and I still want to go out drinking and dancing at night. Also fine! I think we all collectively ignore how much most of our friendships are situational.
Anon
Agreed. You can make your own decisions about how you spend your time and other people can make their decisions. Just because they aren’t the same, doesn’t mean one is somehow morally superior to the other.
JuniorMinion
Depends. I have friends where we meet each other halfway. That is part of friendship. Sometimes they want to do things that I might not have chosen and I go with the flow because I want to see them. I’m a huge beer / brewery fan and one of my best friends cannot drink for medical reasons. We find common ground.
I think it is more about life priorities than anything else – I like to go out too, but I’m no longer the kind of available for that that I was in college given really mostly work demands (+ my desire to be healthy / take care of myself). I noticed that I was doing a lot of accomodating / going out even when I was tired or didn’t want to for people who weren’t doing the same in reverse (ie like this time we go out bar hopping, but next time maybe we grab coffee)
Anon
I’m in my 50s and have been through a lot of friendships. From my perspective what you describe is the usual.
People naturally drift apart when they don’t have things in common anymore – whether that’s work, going out clubbing, or being in college together. It doesn’t mean you have to say “this person isn’t my friend anymore” but over time they reduce to what I think of as facebook or Christmas Card friends. That said, when one of my friends from 20+ years is in town and wants to get together, I’m really happy to see them for lunch or a drink or whatever to catch up.
Along the way you will pick up new friends from where you spend the most time – new friends at work perhaps start out as someone you get lunch with from time to time. If you’re active in church or a running club or something like that, you may meet friends there. And once you have kids, if you plan to have kids, you will meet the parents of your kids’ friends and schoolmates.
These friendships might fade too, as people change jobs and/or your kids change friend groups. What I find is that as I get older, I have more friendships that are shallower. I don’t mean shallow in a pejorative sense, just that as you drift apart a little, you know fewer deep details about each other.
I don’t think I’ll ever have friendships in my life again like I had in college, where we talked to each other about extremely intimate things (like every last detail of our s3xual experiences) but that is OK. I love having a wider circle of friends and more occasions to get together for lunch or drinks with different groups, without the feeling of obligation of staying in touch daily/weekly.
Never too many shoes...
Somebody above made a vague reference to your final para as well – do some people really not share the details of their romantic lives with their friends?
Anon
I’m married. Sharing intimate details of my s3x life with my friends feels very disloyal to my husband. I wouldn’t do it. It was different when the men in my life were hookups or non serious boyfriends.
Anon
Yes. I now have two friends. I may not be able to sell things on Instagram but I am much happier and healthier. You just have to keep evaluating the quality of interactions as part of this process.
Anon
Yeah, my “friends” are no longer my age peers. For example, DH and I have a strong friendship with a woman and her husband who are 20 years our senior that live in our building b/c they took an interest in saying hello to our toddler and turned out to be fascinating people. Sometimes it’s just the definition of what it means to be represents, presumably a single-girl TV lifestyle), well, that’s pretty shallow even if you discuss your s#x life.
Best reads?
I’m in a unhappy place about a repeated pattern with a partner who I otherwise like and love. Any good articles/sites/books you’d recommend? Trying to understand the best way to deal with something he intends/wants to change but is unable to. Clearly being sad and frustrated constantly is not the answer.
Anonymous
This isn’t a problem a book can solve, but people seem to like Too Good To Leave Too Bad To Stay.
Depends on the issues
I think to get meaningful advice from this group, there needs to me more detail around what the behavior is that you find problematic. Excessive drinking, reckless behavior, demeaning comments vs teabags on the table (ask me about this!) may well have different reading/ thought process to a solution that you would be happy with.
Anon
Teabags on the table would drive me bonkers!!
acceptance
Practicing meditation and mindfulness has helped me deal with frustrations/stress in general. Tara Brach’s books, talks, and guided meditations are my favorite. Also, Al-Anon has helped me to work on accepting other people and their behavior, instead of trying to change them. Keeping the focus on me, and what I can control, and managing my expectations of others has been the key for me. Hope that is helpful……
Senior Attorney
Intends/wants to change =/= will change. You have to decide if this is a dealbreaker or an acceptable price of admission to the relationship.
See also: A relationship stands or falls on its worst moments. If you are constantly sad and frustrated then it’s probably time to go.
Blonde Lawyer
Thanks to those of you that posted the IRS 2018 tax withholding calculator in response to someone else’s question. I have a follow up question. Within the calculator, it asks you to enter your federal tax withheld last pay period and year to date. It does not define what it means by “federal tax.” My pay stub (and my husband’s) have one line for federal income tax, one line for Medicare and one line for social security, all of which are federal taxes. Some people have it broken out as federal income tax and then FICA combining the latter two.
If I put just the federal income tax in, it says we will be under-withheld $1500. If I put the total amount of federal taxes (including Medicare and SS) it says we will get a $10,000 refund, which seems absurd. Anyone know which value is supposed to go there?
Anonymous
The federal tax. The income tax.
Blonde Lawyer
Thanks. I have to try the calculator again itemizing too to see if it makes a difference or not.
BadWithholder
+1 on thanks to posting the calculator. It was an unpleasant surprise but I’m glad not be finding out a year from now.
anon
can someone repost the calculator please?
Blonde Lawyer
https://www.irs.gov/individuals/irs-withholding-calculator
Anonymous
I’ve posted this comment before, but just a reminder that this calculator has a flaw with respect to bonuses.
If you enter an anticipated bonus amount, it will include that in your income for purposes of calculating taxable income and your ultimate tax bill. It will not, however, factor in that your employer will withhold on this bonus at a rate of 28% (up from 25 under the new tax bill). This will result in the calculator saying you are projected to under-withhold and you should make XYZ adjustments to have more taken out of your paycheck.
For example, if you receive a $10,000 bonus, your employer will withhold $2,800. The IRS calculator will not add that $2,800 to your paycheck withholding in determining the total payments you get credit for. The fix for this is to add that amount manually to your total withholding and compare the projected tax vs projected withholding. Only then if it shows you still have a shortfall should you consider making adjustments to your withholding.
(Caveat that this was the case when I last ran it and it may/will hopefully get fixed, so just pay attention when looking at your total withholding).
biglawanon
The calculator is estimating an amount of tax that seems entirely too low for my family – about 20% less than last year, even though both my husband’s and my income has gone up. Basing my withholding amount on this calculator is making me nervous. We are high HHI (>500k) and typically pay AMT. Is this happening to anyone else in this situation? And yes, I realize maybe we need to see a CPA to get advice, but I am just wondering if anyone else noticed this when they put in their data.
Cute one piece swimsuits?
Where can I find cute one piece swimsuits? I am going to the beach, but have a 3 year old so need something that will stay in place while I’m running around but also don’t want to look like I’m going to swim practice. Thanks!
Anonymous
Boden
Anonymous
Lands End has the BEST swimsuits. They are such good quality and last forever.
anon8
+1 to Lands End.
Anonymous
agreed. suits for kids are awesome as well, and they last at least an entire swim season.
Anonymous
J.Crew!
anon
I love J. Crew’s swimsuit styles; unfortunately they don’t love me! The torso length is an issue with every one-piece I’ve tried (in most brands, but even J.Crew, which offers a long torso version). If J.Crew would make its long torso suits even 2″ longer, they would be perfection.
Kk
Check out American Eagle/Aerie (yes really) for cheap, cute, and long cut swimsuits. The tie-back one piece is my favorite – it’s strappy and cute, but supportive and really flattering. True to size, for me!
Anonymous
I like Title 9. I usually do tankinis, which eliminates the torso length issue.
anon
ATHLETA! I love their swimwear. One piece and tankinis are great for what you describe.
Anonymous
Honestly I just got one at Target, and I’m actually busty on top (but not saggy…yet). I got one for the same reason, because I have a child who would most likely pull a bikini down. I find that I wear swimsuits infrequently enough (10 times a summer?) that I don’t need one that will last for forevver.
MJ
Garnet Hill!
CHS
This is my unicorn. I’m a pear (two sizes smaller on top than on bottom), and really really want a one piece. I know tankinis are the solution, but I don’t like them because they float up and otherwise get rid of any clean lines I can hope for. I’ve had trouble with Lands End because anything that fits the bottom is too big on top, so am still searching.
Bewitched
Long torsos-try Swimsuits for All which has a line called “Longitude” for long torsos. I can’t speak to quality-just ordered one-but reviews are good.
Horse Crazy
I found some very cute ones at JC Penney last year.
biglawanon
I have one I like from Trina Turk (funky print and cut) and another one I got at Macy’s – I think DKNY – simple black halter style with ruching. Although for running around after my kids, I don’t find a one-piece more comfortable and don’t think they necessarily stay in place better than a well-fitting two piece.
Cute one piece swimsuits?
Thanks, all! I will have some shopping to do. I would never have thought of some of these places!
Alanna of Trebond
Solid + Striped
Anonymous
Need some advice on how to handle a sticky friend/potential client issue. I’ve been friends with Anne for about 2 years. In that time I’ve gotten the impression that she alienates a lot of people and doesn’t seem to have any long-time friends. I’m in biglaw, up for partner soon, so I’ve been sort of out of the loop on the drama, but I’d never had any problem with her.
Anne said she wanted to engage my firm for something very small that I know the firm will handle. I introduced Anne to an attorney who could do the work, Anne was on board, so I opened a new matter and cleared conflicts. That was several weeks ago but Anne is “too busy” to come in to go over the engagement letter (which I haven’t sent her) or discuss what she needs. We haven’t talked about anything confidential, no money has changed hands, no engagement letter is signed.
Over the weekend, Anne flipped out on me for no reason. She called me names and harassed me over text for over 12 hours; when I blocked her she continued from other numbers. I know from mutual friends that she’s been badmouthing me… no one is sure why but apparently she’s done this before to other people. The whole thing is bizarre and this person is clearly unhinged.
Clearly I don’t want Anne as a client. I’m concerned she might contact the attorney I put her in touch with, if only to harass me further. I want to let that attorney know not to move forward, but the attorney knows Anne is a friend so I don’t want to seem dramatic. What should I say to the attorney?
Anonymous
“Hey I don’t think Anne is going to move forward on this, and for reasons I don’t want to get into we should not accept her as a client.”
Anon
She sounds awful. What did she blow up at you over? Was it related to the engagement with your firm? If yes, I’d probably tell the attorney you found for her what happened.
OP
Not related to the firm. I’m still not that clear what she’s mad about and neither is anyone else she’s talked to afaik. It seems to have something to do with my birthday next month? I’m planning an afternoon at a local winery with whomever wants to come. I’ll provide lunch and a couple bottles of wine. You can also do a wine tasting for like $10 if you want to, but there’s no fee to hang out. Anne doesn’t like wine, she’s upset that the winery doesn’t have a full bar, she doesn’t like day drinking why can’t I have it at night, it’s too expensive (it’s literally free for her), and I’m a selfish horrible person. I asked if she was actually upset about something else? But no I’m just awful for not “including” her even though she’s invited.
Fwiw, I don’t think this is an anti-adult-bday thing because she makes a huge deal out of her birthday month (she had 3 parties) and demands gifts for her bday. She also demanded gifts for her husband’s bday; she actually created a registry for him because she said SOOOO many people had asked her for gift ideas for him (not a milestone bday so I doubt that). Maybe she’s actually mad that I didn’t provide sufficient tribute for her bday? I went to 1 party for each of them and brought a bottle of their favorite booze.
Anonymous
And this makes it pretty clear how she ends up alienating so many people. Good riddance.
Shopaholic
No comment on Anne (although good lord what a disproportionate response) but your birthday sounds so fun!
Anon
I’m having a hard time with your statement that you’d never had any drama with her combined with your experience with her husband’s and her own birthdays. Good l0rd!
ace & jig
I love the easy look of Ace & Jig dresses. Has anyone tried them? Or is there a similar brand you like? Thanks for any recommendations!
blue
Six months ago, my husband cheated in a really sleazy way and said he didn’t think he wanted to stay together. I was devastated and sure the marriage was over (from both sides).
When he confessed, we were on vacation, so I ran to my only friend who lives in that city. I told her all the details, said the marriage was probably over, and asked if I could stay at her house that night. She agreed but didn’t seem thrilled, so in the end I didn’t. Friend’s husband went to college with my husband, that’s how we met, and I wish I could have told a local friend who was purely “mine” instead.
A couple days after I confided in Friend, I told her I was sorry I involved her, that we were trying to deal with it, and please not to tell anyone. She said she hoped I left him as what he did was awful, but understood I’d deal with it in my way. She canceled our plans to meet up as couples later in our vacation with a flimsy excuse.
Anyway, my husband stopped drinking and we reconciled. It’s still a bit fragile but getting a lot better.
But I never told my husband that I told Friend the gory details of what he did. He took the cancelation of our vacation plans at face value.
I know he’s the one who did the awful thing, but now I’m feeling very guilty. What if Friend tells/told someone, and it spreads through his college buddies? I’ve been assuming she’d keep it private as I asked, but I just noticed she unfriended my husband and me on FB at some point, and if we’re no longer “friends” I worry she won’t keep my confidence either. I guess she was more upset by my revelation than she seemed at the time.
I don’t want to have secrets in our marriage (obviously this was already a huge problem). But I’m terrified if I admit telling Friend, it will ruin our progress and he’ll want to leave me because he’s upset that people know the shameful thing he did. I honestly don’t know how likely that is. He’s not in a program or therapy and doesn’t want to be, just made the changes by himself.
Hoping for advice…I can’t talk to my friends because I don’t want them to know what happened.
Would you tell him, as I think I probably should? Any tips on how to frame it? Am I overreacting? Would you reach out to Friend at all? (Assuming not, since she silently dropped us from FB…) If I knew for certain Friend would never tell anyone I’d probably stay silent, but I have no guarantee of that, and also it’s eating at me.
anon
I can almost guarantee your friend spilled the beans. Whether or not you tell your DH is up to you, but don’t forget that him losing friends and reputation is part and parcel of cheating. In other words, do not blame yourself if that’s exactly what happens.
Anonymous
+1
Your friend probably distanced herself because she’s uncomfortable hanging out with someone like your husband.
If you can’t be honest with your friends about what happened, you need to take a good look at your marriage and ask if it’s worth staying with someone who makes you feel so ashamed.
Cornellian
Yeah… I think one of the downsides of doing dumb s–t is that people judge you when you get found out. That’s on him. If it’s killing you, tell him, but don’t let him tell you it’s your fault. You did nothing unreasonable.
Anonymous
If you are afraid of telling your husband you did a completely normal and reasonable thing your marriage is in a terrible place. Your husband cheated, he has some sort of addiction issue, and he’s not in therapy? Because he doesn’t want to? What about what you want?? Why is it all about him? Go to couples counseling
Anonymous
Yes this, except don’t go to couples counseling go to individual counseling. Don’t go to couples therapy with a manipulator.
Triangle Pose
If you are terrified that admitting this will ruin all of the progress and that he will want to leave you, there is a bigger problem. You are taking on a lot of his shame and you don’t deserve that. He did this awful thing to you, dropped some horrific information on you while you were on vacation together (?!!) and in a moment of confusion and hurt, you told one person, and then you asked that person to keep it confidential.
If he leaves you for that, he was never worth it in the first place.
I’m sorry this happened to you OP.
Rainbow Hair
I agree with everything Triangle says here! He cheated! He told you on vacation! And now you’re afraid that your attempt to get support in this totally awful situation will make him mad at you? That’s a bad sign. Like, of course he doesn’t *want* people to know he cheated, but then maybe he should’ve kept it in his pants.
You didn’t do ANYTHING wrong and it worries me that you’re worried about how he’s going to react to this.
Hugs to you.
Never too many shoes...
+1Million.
Senior Attorney
+ 1 billion
Big hugs to you, OP.
Anonymous
I am really worried for you.
Your are married to an alcoholic husband who cheated on you, who refuses to get help with treatment, and you are acting so guilty for something that is normal to do in the situation you describe…. confide in a friend when you are devastated. I can’t even believe that you are worried…. he might leave you (!) because you confided in someone after he exploded your life. He should be worried every day that you will leave him(!) and should be grateful that you had a friend to confide in.
I would also assume that she told her husband, which is normal.
I strongly think you need therapy for support, as I worry you have no one to confide in and help you through this process. And honestly, you likely need couples therapy too. But start with yourself.
Good luck. And give yourself a break.
Anon
I’m worried about you too. If you are feeling so much guilt over a something that’s so very much his fault, you are clearly enabling him to walk all over you. I really want you to take a vacation by yourself. Or ask him to go visit somewhere for two weeks and leave you alone to think and reflect. It is so hard to see the horror of a situation like this when you are in it – please give yourself some distance from the cause-of-pain to get a more objective view regarding your own situation.
Anonshmanon
You did nothing wrong! You confided in a friend when you were processing that he cheated, and you even made sure to ask for her confidentiality.
She might still gossip, at which point she looks like a bit of a gossip and he looks like the cheat he is.
Carolyn Hax would say something like if you’re afraid that this very normal act of confiding in a friend might destroy the relationship, how stable and dependable is it to begin with? What you did was normal and whatever the outcome if he finds out/you tell him, that outcome is not your fault.
Torin
If people find out about his behavior, it’s his responsibility to explain himself and/or make amends, if required. You’re entitled to confide in your friends. That’s one of the things friends are for. You don’t have to apologize to him for that, and if you think he will be so upset over you doing something completely normal that he will leave you, y’all need therapy.
As for ways to frame it when you tell him, if it comes up I would state the facts (when I found out, I went to Friend’s house and confided in her, I asked her not to tell anyone else but have no idea if she honored that request). There’s no reason to hide it, but neither is there any reason to “confess” it to him as though you did anything wrong.
Anonymous
This. It’s a red flag if he doesn’t accept that you would want to confide in someone when dealing with a difficult situation. I found out some surprising information about my DH recently. It would have been embarrassing for him if I told friend/therapist but he completely understood that I might want/need to and he even verbalized that he wouldn’t object if I wanted to do that and that he understood that it might be hard to handle alone. In the end, I didn’t feel the need but a big part of moving past the issue was knowing that he 100% supported me in dealing with it however I needed.
Anonymous
Did he tell you not to tell anyone? Or make you feel like you shouldn’t? I’m not sure why you’re feeling such guilt over this. I mean, your marriage almost ended because of his horrible actions. Of course you’ve confided in friends/family to help you through such a hard time.
blue
No, he didn’t say anything like that, and didn’t ask if I’d told anyone, etc. Maybe he’ll be unsurprised that I shared and it will be a non-issue after all my stressing.
BeenThatGuy
What did he think you did when you went to this friend’s house when he confessed to cheating? He certainly knows you weren’t over there playing cards. He knows you told your friend. If you’re choosing to stay in this marriage, then let it go.
blue
Heh. I actually didn’t tell him where I went, just left and came back hours later. So I’m guessing he doesn’t know, though could be wrong.
Let it go as in don’t say anything to him about it now?
anon
“he’ll want to leave me because he’s upset that people know the shameful thing he did.”
Well, sounds like he shouldn’t have done something shameful. That’s a foreseeable consequence of his own behavior. Is it ideal that your friend told people? No. Is your husband reasonable for thinking that his terrible behavior will remain a closely guarded secret (at your expense) to protect his dignity and pride? Absolutely not. He is an adult that needs to accept the consequences of his actions. Everyone else has correctly said you are entirely within your rights to lean on your friends for help, so I won’t rehash.
If he leaves you because he’s upset that people realize he’s a tool, that won’t change the fact that people believe he’s a tool. It will just make him look even worse–it won’t solve his “problem.” If he leaves you because people know, then his leaving will be an effort to punish you. Or, he will be using your telling someone as an excuse to leave the relationship and pin it on you. The fact that you think he’d do either of these things is a big issue.
blue
Thanks, this is a good comment. I hope he wouldn’t really do either of those things, but I got blindsided before, so…
blue
Thanks, everyone so far. It’s a relief to feel like people think I didn’t do anything wrong. The one person I told reacted in this way that made me feel worse instead of supported, so I feel like that contributed to my sense of oh no, what have I done?
Anonymous
You’re talking about Friend right? It sounds like she’s more of an acquaintance than a friend, or at least she views you that way. She was cool with having dinner with you two while you were in town on vacation but she didn’t feel close enough to you to get involved with something so personal.
blue
Yes I was talking about Friend, and yes, I think I misinterpreted the strength of our friendship. Even if she hadn’t unfriended me, I would not think of her in the same category again. She had leaned on me lots of times for support, and the one time I needed her I was not impressed by the reciprocality.
Anon For This
Friend is a terrible person. I can’t even imagine a friend (or acquaintance, whatever) standing on my porch in the midst of a crisis, asking if I could take her in for a night, and I respond with, “Ugh. I guess. Your timing sucks, btw.”
I have been in your shoes, and I ran to friends/acquaintances and received nothing but sympathy and support. Even the acquaintances who had no idea what to say and didn’t know me well enough to dive into the trenches with me made sure to give me a hug and genuinely ask how I was doing when I saw them. Your friend’s reaction is completely bizarre and more than likely, touched on something in her past. She pushed you away not because of YOU (okay? I think you really need to hear this right now–IT’S NOT YOU) but because she chose to disengage from the whole situation. You’re not carrying some dark, unspeakable secret that will make everyone cringe away from you. SHE WAS BEING WEIRD.
I wasn’t able to hide my husband’s affair and told almost everyone in our life. A bomb exploded my world and I had no energy left to filter. We’re still together, but HE put 100% of the work in to keep me in our marriage. Reconciliation is rare, it’s hard, and in the end it’s like a lumpy patch job on a smooth wall. It’s fixed, but you can still see the damage.
You need to tap into your anger. You sound scared and ashamed, and you shouldn’t be. You’re a victim here! Don’t feel like you have to protect and shield the man who hurt you! I recommend checking out the blog Chump Lady and reading through a few articles.
You can’t reconcile until your husband says, “I hurt you and I don’t deserve to be married to you. You have every reason to leave me and I wouldn’t blame you if you did.” Excuses like:
– I was drunk!
– I’m in a bad place!
-You have no idea what work is like!
– You pushed me away!
– Undeniable physical connection!
– Mid-life crisis!
…are all ridiculous. He has to own it, go to therapy, and work his @ss off. You can’t forgive him until he acknowledges WHAT HE DID TO YOU.
And you also need to see an individual counselor, to process through all of this on your own. You’ve been betrayed, and therapists treat the betrayed spouse as a trauma victim. Make an appointment and start seeing someone THIS WEEK, so if (God forbid) more comes to light or you feel yourself breaking down you have a therapist who already knows the backstory and can jump right in to actively helping you.
Big hugs. And again, that friend is super weird, not you.
blue
Thanks for this. And I know, Friend really turned out to suck. I wish I’d realized that before confiding in her! Her response really made me feel bad and turned me off from telling anyone else. Like, oooookay, I guess this wasn’t as big a deal as I thought it was…
NYNY
You are going through a lot, and you need support. Do not feel guilty for confiding in a friend. If it destroys all the progress you and your husband have made since his revelation, then it means that there really wasn’t much progress.
I have a loved one going through something like what you are – although with tons of therapy for both of them individually and as a couple – and she said something that really struck me. “Our marriage ended when he told me he cheated. We’re figuring out now if we can build a new marriage, but the old one is over.”
Anon
You have a sh1tty husband AND sh1tty friends.
You need to replace them both.
NEXT!
Anonymous
+1,000
AnonZ
“I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke” – a quote from Grey’s Anatomy that became a mantra for me when dealing with a similar situation.
anon
Yes, this.
Feeling you
Oh girl. I feel your pain. I am in your shoes.
A year ago, my DH confessed to me about his cheating. I only told my sister. He was so ashamed I told my sister and could not talk to her for months/days. But he recognized that what he did was wrong and this was one of the consequences of his selfishness. While he wished I didn’t, he recognized why I did and accepted it. We are still in individual therapy (for both of us…took him some time to get started and get going though) and couples therapy.
It is a long, rocky road. Infidelity is probably the most selfish, self-centered act one can ever do and it totally breaks every belief, every assumption you ever had in your life. At the end of the day, we are still each other’s best friends and agreed that if we were to “do” our lives again, we would still pick each other. So yeah…we’re working through it.
You’re not alone. I agree with one of the other comments. Most people have multiple marriages. I get to decide if it’s with the same person.
He is responsible for his actions but you are both responsible for your marriage. Tell him if you think it will help your relationship and marriage get back on track. How he reacts is on him and will give you a good idea of whether the marriage will work or on it. His initial reaction will likely be one of anger (masking shame and guilt and sadness) but if he can see past it to understand the why, that will tell you a lot. If he can’t…then you have another uncomfortable decision to make. Good luck!
blue
Thanks for sharing. :( Good to know I’m not alone.
Anon for this
I’ve been in a similar situation with a different ending.
Then-DH cheated on me in very horrible and blatant way. I told Friend X for support. After couple’s counseling, then-DH and I ended up divorcing because he wasn’t making changes and was completely shrugging off responsibility for what happened and picking at me, trying to find ways to blame me for his sleeping with someone else (I was working too many hours, we weren’t having sex enough, etc). Divorcing was definitely the right move for us, and after months of therapy etc, we moved on with the divorce and our lives and started dating other people. Ex-DH also decided to start spreading lies about me and about the situation (which no one with any sense believed).
Friend X dropped me like a hot potato, saying that she was uncomfortable with my life decisions. She judged me so harshly and I couldn’t deal with that, particularly since I had been a supportive and non-judgmental friend to her through so many of her questionable life decisions (more than one of which involved infidelity).
Bottom line: my life is so much better without ex-DH AND without Friend X. I feel like my relationships with my other friends are stronger because I know that they will be there for me even during my saddest or worst days.
blue
Uggh, Friend and Friend X…I’m glad your life is better now.
Linda from HR
When a person cheats, and their partner finds out, their partner has no obligation to keep the cheating a secret. They’re gonna tell their friends, and their family, and the cheating party doesn’t get to be mad about that.
Obviously it would have been immature to plaster it all over the place, but keeping it inside would have been awful for your mental health, and there’s no way he could have expected you to do that. If he leaves you over confiding in a friend, that’s not someone you want to be married to, no matter how great things were before the truth came out.
Leopard print
I bought a Kate Spade leopard print dress over the weekend (similar but not identical to the dress below). It’s knee length on me (not short at all). I love it but wondering what people think about wearing a dress like this to work. Business casual, gov’t office.
https://www.tradesy.com/i/kate-spade-leopard-print-above-knee-short-casual-dress-size-12-l/18991327/?utm_source=gpl&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Shopping%20-%20Clothing%20-%20Product%20Type%20-%20FTB&utm_content=dresses&utm_term=&gclid=CjwKCAjwypjVBRANEiwAJAxlItF-ONr19tKhGxYvk7Qpa3p9RgOb9IAFuYOAsFIOB-1z2NDyLuF6mBoCm1EQAvD_BwE
Triangle Pose
Depends on your role I think. I’d save it for weekend drinks or a date, not the office. But I’m in law and I see many women in marketing, PR, recruiting, etc. at my company wearing dresses like that and it’s totally fine and appropriate. But on my floor I wouldn’t.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t wear it to work. But I’m not a fan of animal print in general.
Anonymous
I think I would wear it, with a neutral cardigan and probably flats to tone it down.
Anon
Yup, same here.
Two Cents
I love this and would totally wear it to my gov’t agency.
biglawanon
Depends on how long it is on you. If it fits like on the model, it is too short for work. Although maybe it could work with opaque black tights?
cake batter
I have a nearly identical dress in darker shades of grey and wear it to my govt office with black heels and black cardi.
Anonymous
Lately I have noticed that my husband is becoming awkward in social situations. When he gets into a conversation with someone, he will not let the conversation flow naturally. He talks too much about himself, will not let the other person drift away when they signal that the conversation is winding down, and often displays a level of intensity that is inappropriate for the situation.
I don’t really understand why he does this. I know that his current job and our lifestyle make him feel starved for social interaction–before we were married, he lived in a big city where he went out with friends every night after work and had a job that was 100% interacting with other people, and now we live in the suburbs and have kids and responsibilities and he spends part of each day sitting in front of a computer and working independently. But it’s gotten to the point where I don’t enjoy going to big gatherings or spending time with casual acquaintances any longer because I am so stressed out by his behavior.
He is also really needy at home. He constantly wants attention, when sometimes I’d rather just be left alone to get stuff done in peace. Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation?
Anon
I’m a bit of a broken record on this since I’ve recommended this blog several times, but check out posts on charisma and conversation on the blog The Happy Talent. Some of it really resonated with me and it was also encouraging because these skills CAN be taught.
Anonymous
Sounds like he might be depressed/anxious. Do you think you could sit down with him, without judgment, and ask him how he thinks things are going?
FYI – you can actually get out of practice in how to socialize. It happened to me, and now I am unfortunately a lot like your husband. A mix of being out of practice / socially isolated when I moved to suburbia (I hate it here) + baseline anxiety makes social functions difficult… even when you really want them.
You yourself admit he is starved for social interaction. Is there a way he can re-institute a hobby/outing/socializing experience that is more comfortable? Big gatherings with casual acquaintances… for example…. sounds un-fun to me. Maybe he needs smaller groups of good friends/colleagues, stopping by for dinner/pizza/game/talking/beer, or an outing like that once a week. And this can be done without you, if you need a break!
Anon
Here’s a post that might be perfect (my comment recommending the blog ended up in mod): http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/youd-get-invited-to-more-parties-and-events-if-you-would-mingle-instead-of-cling
IHHtown
Gently, someone doesn’t lose their ability to properly interact socially because they can’t go out every night or schmooze with clients everyday in a big city. Your husband is exhibiting social interaction traits in an alarmingly different way in a very short period of time and is experiencing an increased level of attachment and neediness. Is he showing any other behaviors that could point mental illness, anxiety, or depression?
I you don’t think something mental is going on, then you could always try pushing him into a couple of weekday or weekend activities so he has other people to talk to.
Anonymous
I also thought he could be having new mental health issues. Although it sounds like this change is over a longer period. They now are married and have multiple kids, so at least several years…. It can change you a lot.
Rainbow Hair
I will say that I’ve seen this happen to more than a few people. More precisely, when we lived in [non english speaking place] basically any expat we ran into had this dominating, awkward way of conversing that screamed “I am excited to talk to someone who shares my background! DON’T GO AWAY!” (it made me want to run away) … After time, I noticed my husband developing it too. And some of my colleagues. It faded away notably when we moved back to the states, but has come back bit in his currently more isolated life.
anon
I’ve never seen this explanation for why ex-pats (esp. men) are like this. It makes so much sense.
MoreExtrovertedthanSpouse
I may be your husband’s secret twin. I find when I don’t get enough social interaction I get pretty awkward too – it’s like trying to eat a normal amount at a normal pace after not eating for 24 hours. The solution, for me at least, is to make sure I’m getting enough social interaction. (I understand you’re frustrated with your husband, but I don’t think avoiding social events is the way to go here.) Could you encourage him to join a local club or something? Maybe have social date night (eg pub trivia).
Anon
This is me. I am the worst at parties, and know it, and therefore haaaate going to them. Which makes me that much worse. I have to schedule social visits to keep up the poor social skills I do have. No advice other than he has to keep practicing and I would highly discourage drinking for him as it makes us so much worse at interpreting social ques (like – hey! this conversation is over).
Anonymous
Sounds like he needs more social interaction on his own. Maybe he can join a rec league or running club or something?
Anonymous
I get similarly “weird” socially when I’m depressed/anxious.
Phone interview
Any tips for a phone interview with a company you’ve worked at before, but in a different department? I’ve since left to go to grad school and I want to make sure that I handle the “why do you want to come back” question properly.
Anonymous
This seems easy. You had a good reason for leaving (school). And now a good reason for wanting to come back (done with school). So now you re-iterate the good things that you like about the company as reasons for coming back. And these can be anything from the location / philosophy / respect in the industry / benefits etc…
It actually helps you to be trying to come back to the same company, as they know you are familiar with the basic structure / environment.
Minnie Beebe
Fashion Question: I’ll be traveling to Germany for work in late April, to a small city on the northern coast, west of Hamburg. Typically, for client visits, I wear a black sheath dress with hose/heels, and a cardigan or jacket (but not a dress suit.) Often, I wear a belt over the dress for a little flair. I’m okay with being slightly overdressed, but I’m worried I’ll actually be under-dressed and that I should be wearing suits. Anyone with input for me? I’d prefer not to have to buy new clothes, but will if it’s necessary.
Sheath dresses are generally a seasonless wool type, and I always wear black cardigan or jacket over top.
Thanks!
Anon
What industry? Germans are much more tolerant (oblivious?) regarding business wear mishaps than Americans, but I still like to wear an actual suit when I‘m surrounded by men in suits. It‘s a personal preference though, and I see more women in something like you described than in an actual suit.
Minnie Beebe
Energy Industry. And based on your feedback, I think I’ll be okay with my current wardrobe, which is a-ok for me!
Thanks!
Anon
I really don’t think there’s a lot of difference between a sheath dress and a jacket (not cardigan) and a suit. In some cases, the dress + jacket looks more formal than a suit because the top of the sheath dress is more structured and formal looking than a blouse would be under a similar suit. I wouldn’t worry about this at all.
Also, you don’t have to wear high heels in Germany. The women I work with from Germany seem to wear lower, more comfortable styles.
First anon
Great! Like the other anon said: shoes you can walk in >> high heels
Have a great trip!
Anonymous
It sounds like a male-dominated field, and if you are closer to the business side than the tech side, also pretty conservative. If you have them in your wardrobe, I’d consider pants.
Lyra Silvertongue
I have found the Germans to be fairly utilitarian and casually-dressed, even in business settings. When I traveled with my parents on my mum’s business trips (within the last decade), most of the women at engineering events/settings were not in a full suit, nor were many men. I think you’ll be fine! Be mindful of shoes + quaint cobblestones (don’t know how old the town you’re going to is).
Anonymous
Do you miss high school ever? Would you ever want to go back or are you the type who graduated, moved away and never looked back? Despite having all the tgibgsxan adult should want – ivy degrees, good resume, money etc – I miss that time in my life so much. I was the one who wanted out of my pedestrian hometown (in NJ so not that pedestrian) but 20 years later no aspect of life in nyc or DC has been as good as it was back then.
Clementine
Sweet lord no, you couldn’t pay me enough to go back there.
The difference between now and then is that I know who I am and am very happy with it. I know to say no to toxic friends and manipulators. I know when to care about what others are telling me and when they’re just full of it.
Anon
“Sweet lord no, you couldn’t pay me enough to go back there.” Haha this.
CountC
+ a billion
Anon
Yes , though I would enjoy a chance to be in a marching band again – hey, I’m just being honest! I know I am a nerd – but to go back to the overall HS experience, F no!
Maybe you just miss having someone provide for you rather than the responsibility all being on you?
Anon
I don’t literally missing being in high school, but I miss the carefree times with my friends and the thrill of *gasp* holding hands with my boyfriend and the feeling of endless possibilities in front of me. There’s a lot I don’t miss, though, and whenever I start to pine for the carefree days of my youth, it’s a reminder to reexamine my priorities now and make sure I’m living my life the way I want to.
anon CPA
I agree. Nicely put.
Blonde Lawyer
I wouldn’t want to go back for good but I would love a summer day from back then when I had the day off from work, no sports practice, and I’d spend the day at the beach or a friend’s pool with my boyfriend and best friends. They were some truly happy carefree days.
pugsnbourbon
I was just thinking about this! The kind of day that stretched on forever and you felt like everything was an adventure.
anon
No, I don’t ever miss it. I was awkward and not super accepted by my peers and their parents for reasons largely due to our relative lack of wealth, and no one ever thought that I (or someone like me) would ever make anything of myself. well, I did, and now I have real friends, a great marriage, professional success, and way more money than they do (which I only care about when I’m reflecting back on that period of my life) I feel empowered to be who I am and do what I want in a way I never did then. So no, never going back.
Anon
Same. I grew up in foster care. It is sort of a perverse life hack for me though, because it has been a huge confidence boost to be able to work my way up to where I am now. Nothing in my life will ever be harder than that was, so I can handle anything. I hope you feel the same way!
anon
Yeah, I had a really hard time on the home front as a kid, and frankly it makes me feel superhuman now. Especially as an adult where I have a better appreciation for how rare my outcome is and what things could have been like (or were more likely to be like)
Sounds like you did an awesome job in challenging circumstances, and I hope it makes you feel amazing about yourself :)
anon
Do I miss high school? No. Do I miss ……. spending lots of unstructured time with friends? Yes. That sort of easy, very emotional, intense bonding you do with other 15 year olds? Yes. Constant exposure to new people? Yes. Camaraderie of sports teams, drama club, etc? Yes. Focusing all my resources on academics rather than client service/doldrums of actually working a job? Yes. That sort of relative care-free feeling you’re just never going to have as an adult? Yes. Idealism and feeling like I could change the world? Yes. The simplicity of living in a city with easy parking and functional roads rather than dealing with a transit catastrophe every day? YES.
I won’t list all the things I DON’T miss about high school. I suspect you wouldn’t actually want to go back to HS, or that it legit was better than your life now. There are just traits about your life back then that you reasonably miss, and could theoretically reincorporate into your existing life now. Also, rose colored glasses.
AC
Nope, not at all, not ever. My life now is so much better than I ever could have dreamed back then. I don’t have an ivy degree or an impressive resume, but I’m financially secure, which is pretty amazing to someone who once sold blood plasma to make rent, and I’m married to a great guy with a wonderful child, which is unfathomable to high school me who had drunken hookups with the kind of guys who are now doing life in prison for first degree murder. I graduated, moved away, and have never looked back for sure.
Lana Del Raygun
Well, I have friends now, so no thank you, I will keep my current life. :)
Anonymous
I miss college, not high school. Maybe I’d miss high school if I’d had a happy home life.
Once when I was 14, a neighbor made an offhand comment to me in front of my mom… something like, you’ll miss this time of your life when you’re 40! My mom said, I think she’d rather be 40 than 14. I said yes I sure would. Now I’m nearing 40 and I still think the same – my life now is so much better than it was then.
Alanna of Trebond
Yes, I miss college. Although I sort of did college wrong, I worked SO hard. Honestly, harder than I work in biglaw.
Anonymous
Never. Not even a little bit. High school was fine but adult life is so much better.
Baconpancakes
Shirt no! (Binged The Good Place this weekend, sorry.) High school was terrible for me!
But it sounds like your high school experience was more analogous to my college experience, which was amazing and comfortable. I had a wide circle of friends, a wonderful tight circle of besties, fun classwork (I like school and excel in a classroom setting), and plenty of free time.
But no, I still wouldn’t go back. There are potential job opportunities in my college town, and it would be very easy to slip back into that life, but the people and situations that made it so great are gone. I miss being the Bacon I was in college, but she’s dead. I killed her by becoming the Bacon I am now, and that’s different and new and natural and capital g Good. I’m more competent, I am better at facing challenges (even if I complain about them here and in real life), and I am proud of who I have become. And not least of all, in the intervening years between college and now, I realized that one of my close friends from college was actually in love with me, and that he was the man I wanted to marry. So that worked out pretty well.
Anonymous
I loved high school! I went to a wonderful school with a very supporting and nurturing environment, and made amazing friends who are still my closest friends 20 years later.
Anonymous
Pressed post too early! I meant to add, I absolutely hated university and really struggled throughout my early/mid twenties. So I’m very nostalgic for those happy, free high school days.
H
No, I’d never want to actually go back to high school, although I do look back on that time of my life very fondly.
Abeepbeep
If you miss high school you’re a cop.
Anonymous
No idea what that means. No I’m not a cop though.
Rainbow Hair
Sometimes I miss the ~passionate intensity~ of being in high school — I wrote and painted and my brain was on fire. But man do I like making my own terms with the world, being responsible for myself, knowing what boundaries are, crying as a sometimes thing rather than an all-the-time thing… When I think “if only I could go back in time” it’s more to shake some sense into my younger self/younger friends rather than to enjoy the times.
Anonymous
Nope. I went to a 5-year high school (combined 7/8 grade at the beginning), and because of my birthday I was actually 12 for the first few weeks of high school. I changed a LOT between the ages of 12 and 17, but my high school friends wouldn’t let me change in terms of how they perceived me and interacted with me. College was soooooooooooo much better, because I could just be myself and choose to spend time only with people who liked the person that I actually was instead of the person I was pretending to be/ used to be. I am still best friends with a bunch of people from college, and only stay in touch with high school friends on a very light Facebook level.
Jen
High school? No. College? Yes. The 5 years of grad school/carefree living in the city after college? Yep. My high school figure? Definitely ;).
High school was stressful, and my mom drove me crazy. I had great friends, but I kept those in college and beyond.
Anon
I had a pretty good time in high school, but h3ll no would I want to go back. Teenagers are so dumb, and I definitely was too at that age.
The most exciting and I guess carefree year of my life was senior year of college and the time immediately after graduating. I don’t think I would go back (I have disposable income now!) but I do miss how I felt then.
Anonymous
I miss living in the house I grew up in with my parents and grandma all of whom are now deceased.
Metallica
Can you identify exactly what it is you miss about high school and see if you can incorporate that quality into your life at present?
I don’t miss high school because of what my life at home was like, but I do miss that feeling of possibility, wondering what I am going to grow up to do, the relationships I might have, where I will live, etc. I do have to remind myself that possibilities still exist everywhere (I’m happy in my relationship, but not nearly as happy with what I do and where we live.)
Anonymous
I think to miss high school you must have had great parents who were well off and gave you a lot power over your own life. There was a lot of stuff that I wasn’t allowed to do and I didn’t have any money, so not having the freedom to socialize how I wanted to or wear what I wanted to (or even have what I thought I needed) really is not something I’m nostalgic about. Also, having your parents screaming at you to do things on their schedule is not fun – my life was so much better when I no longer had to clean up after my mother, who is the type of person who dirties every single dish while attempting to cook.
Saguaro
All I miss is summers off!
January
You know, I wasn’t an outcast or anything in high school, but I still found it kind of lonely. College was a better fit for me. I ended up moving back to my hometown after law school, but I made new friends here as an adult. Can’t say that I miss high school, though.
Anon
i don’t miss high school, but i do miss college. i absolutely LOVED college. made many of my best friends there, it was a good mix of independence and a good mix of work/play. it was like fake adulting without the real responsibilities. I’d go back in a heartbeat if I could.
different anon
I had a lot of ideals and intense interests in high school. In comparison, I feel a bit like a lukewarm sell-out now.
Lyra Silvertongue
No, not at all. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed high school. I just have no desire to go back to that stage. TBH, the people I know who do say that are typically the ones who “peaked” in high school.
Anon
I’m with you, OP. I miss high school. The best friends I’ve had were in high school and I genuinely enjoyed going to school every day. Playing sports, going to art class, learning, it was great. I think what I miss the most is spending all day with friends. As a 30-something single person, I miss having friendly support around me throughout the day. The other posters here make an interesting point about figuring out what it is that we miss about high school and trying to incorporate that into our lives now.
Anonymous
Nah, I enjoyed both high school and college, but I was also immature, lacked confidence, and everything felt like a struggle, so I don’t really miss that. I vastly prefer my current time and place where I am old enough to know myself really well, I have tons of self-confidence, and I feel like I can handle whatever life throws at me.
ghostwrite my care dot com ad
Anyone have some good copy to crib from for a care dot com ad for an afternoon nanny / sitter for my 2 elementary school kids (one of whom has some daydreaminess that means she’ll need help focusing on homework; both of whom will try to sneak TV with work not yet done? Hoping for a college student (plenty in my area) who might be into becoming a teacher.
“PT afternoon nanny; school of ed students perferred, wanted to supervise two elementary school children M-TH from 3-7. Tasks are primarily homework supervision, going to the park, watching if they ride bikes, some pickups at school or drop offs for activities. Must agree to drivers license check and to be paid on the books. Workers comp provided. [mention pay]?”
Help!
Anonymous
Looks good to me. I would be inclined to state pay up front.
Anonymous
Look at other ads in your town to see how they’re worded, BUT most sitters apply to anything that meets their hours and salary requirement. I’d be very, very surprised if people even read the bit about being paid on the books – make sure to repeat that in any invitation to interview. Just get something up though because you’re getting into exam season and it’s not a typical time of year to hire a college student.
anonshmanon
mention pay, yes!
RR
I think that’s it. I basically used the care [dot] com form (where you check the boxes and it builds your posting) with only minor tweaks and I got 22 applicants within a week or so for the same job essentially that you posted. We ended up hiring someone who I think will be perfect (she won’t start until summer).
I did not mention pay in my posting. It was fine. All the applicants have a range, and we just discussed it. I did not mention needing to be paid on the books, but again I found that all of the applicants I seriously considered had checked that they were fine with it.
anon
I have a black wool sweater that I love and two fluffy light colored dogs that love to distribute said fluff all over my clothes. I carry a lint roller with me everywhere, but it doesn’t do much to get the fluff off this sweater (and to a lesser extent my other wool/cashmere sweaters.) Any suggestions for how to remove the dog hair and have a wearable sweater again?
Anonymous
I’d probably have my “home” sweaters, and just accept the fluff and launder occasionally. And then I’d have “outside” sweaters (my good sweaters) that I put on only when leaving the house, or put my “home” sweater/robe on top while in the house.
No More Work Friends
I feel like I’ve lost all of my work girl friends and I’m not sure why. They’ve been gradually pulling back from me, so instead of eating lunch with a group, I’ve been eating alone because they’ve all been “busy” when we typically eat lunch. I found out over the weekend that they all went to an event together but nobody invited or even mentioned it to me. Our company is fairly small and I’ve been here about 6 months, but I’m getting frustrated at feeling like an “outsider”.
I don’t have any friends here in this city outside of work, so now I feel like a complete friendless loser rather than a somewhat friendless loser. I’m worried that I am actually a really unlike able person (similar to the Anne friend mentioned in a post above), but I really don’t think that’s true.
Any advice/tips/commiseration??
Torin
Work isn’t always the easiest or best place to make friends. I have always been friendly with my coworkers but have never really made real friends at work. Find a hobby and try to make friends through that. Go to meetup groups.
Also you’ve only been at this company for six months, and therefore only known this group that long. You really cannot expect to become fully integrated into an existing friend-group in that amount of time.
Anon
Just follow that link to the thehappytalent.com posted above and you’ll be getting invited to come along in no time. /s
Anonymous
Try to make friends other places – meet ups, some other hobby group?
As for what happened – I assume it was nothing obvious like a falling out, throwing someone under the bus with a boss or deadline, or offending someone’s lifestyle? Do you even know what would offend them? Are they all similar in some way and you’re not? In my office, there are 5-6 women I get lunch w on occasion (like walk to a take out place but eat separately at desks after), but I know they go out to sit down lunches with each other and see each other out of the office. All are married moms and I’m not – they specifically want to talk about sleep training, preschool etc and with a non mom in tow who isn’t interested, conversation can derail and they don’t want that. Could it be something like that?
Idea
Anne does not think that she is Anne.
You did not alienate people. They are the kind of friends who do things together outside of work. They knew each other from before 6 months ago. That is all.
You can still be work friends with them.
You will make new friends. I know it is hard. But find an activity or a place to volunteer or something and you’ll do great! People like you. Your anxiety is telling you otherwise, but tell it to cram it. You’re doing great. You made a big change 6 months ago and you still have lots of great things to come.
Anon
I’ll tell you a story. Years ago I had a new younger coworker that I was becoming friends with, and I started inviting her to lunch with my small longtime friend group. One of my longtime friends pulled me aside and said, “Does E. have to come every time we get together?”
I think my longtime friend just felt a level of friendship and intimacy with me that she didn’t feel with a new person, and therefore my bringing E. along made the lunch into a different thing for her. She didn’t feel like she could talk about issues with her husband, etc with this newer, younger person sitting at the table. I totally get that.
So I stopped inviting E. for lunches with the group, but she was and still is my friend. Over time, she formed her own friend group with her peers/age group.
I don’t know if that is the case with your work friendships, but my advice to you is to think of these people as individuals and not an entire group you need to be friends with. Make better friends, if you can, with just one or two people. OR seek out friendships with other people closer to you level at your work. One of my better friends at work right now became my friend because we started within a month of each other and neither of us really knew anyone.
No More Work Friends
Thanks for the input, guys. If this had been an established group prior to when I’d joined the company, that’s one thing, but these are girls who have joined the company either around the same time I did or afterwards. Very frustrating. I feel like they’re freezing me out and am having high school flashbacks. Ugh.
I do agree with the statement that it’s mainly my anxiety telling me I’m unlikeable…but I also feel like this has been a common pattern throughout my life and the only common factor has been me so… :(
Anonymous
This is a pattern for me too – as the saying goes, the common denominator in my failed relationships is me.
I can see where Anon 12:48’s story might be the situation. Other than that, maybe try inviting them yourself every once in awhile to preserve the relationship, but maybe look for new friends at work or even, mostly, outside of work. Sorry, this is tough in a small organization.
anon
Please give me all your best tips on building relationships at work!
Anonymous
Remember everyone’s name. Write people’s names down somewhere to help remember them soon after meeting, with a couple personal details about them. Use their name when you say hello, with occasionally friendly question about them/their lives/their family/their hobby. Then get into the nitty gritty about work. Start conversations with positive things, and then move into constructive criticisms. Give credit where credit is due.
Do good work. Be a team player. Make connections, and offer connections.
Online job apps
For online job applications where they don’t specify a cover letter or give you a place to upload it, would you ever append one to your resume? (So instead of the pdf being your resume, it’s a cover letter first, then the resume) Going through an application now and kind of was expecting it to have a “any other materials” upload section, but I only see one for “Resume/CV.”
Anonymous
Yes, I do this all the time. It makes it convenient for them too, although I have heard they often don’t even read the CL. I think I heard that here, in fact.
NYC question
Anyone have a fixed rate financial planner in NYC they can recommend? TIA
Depressed in Chicago
Hi ‘Rettes, can anyone recommend a psychiatrist or therapist in Chicago for depression? I think I’ve had it for a decade but am finally seeking treatment, not sure how to even go about it (do I need a referral? Do I find a therapist first? A psychiatrist first?) Thank you!
Anon
These days Psychiatrists (who are MDs) focus more on prescribing meds and therapists (who can be licensed clinical social workers, PhD, PsyD, licensed counselors, etc.) focus more on talk therapy. I would probably start with a therapist because they can often help evaluate whether they think meds might be helpful to you (you can also ask them about this) and whether you should see a psychiatrist for meds. I’m not in Chicago so don’t have specific recs, but in other cities I’ve found people by calling my obgyn or primary care docs office and asking for who they recommend. It is also totally ok to shop around! I’ve moved around a bunch, but my two most successful therapeutic relationships were therapists I chose after seeing 2-3 and deciding which I thought would be the best fit. Good for you for finally seeking treatment! I hope it helps.
Cookbooks
Speaking only for myself, I was in law school when I was diagnosed with depression, so I first made an appointment with one of the counselors/therapists at school, and after my initial meeting with her, she thought that I should seriously consider making an appointment with the psychiatrist. I continued to see both because it was required, but I kept it up long after I graduated.
I think your other option could be talking with the your PCP, see if he or she can make a recommendation or provide a referral.
I hope all goes well for you :)
earrings
There were specific recommendations in previous threads
https://corporette.com/button-shoulder-satin-shell/ started by Anon at 02/02/2018 at 11:24 am
https://corporette.com/frends-taylor-headphones/ started by Anon at 03/03/2016 at 3:32 pm
Good luck!
Cookbooks
How do you politely avoid answering money-related questions at work? Several people in my office have no qualms talking exact numbers about anything from salary to how much they pay their accountant. I work in government, so our salaries are readily available, but I don’t care to discuss these things at work. One of my co-workers was asking why I was “so cagey,” about these things. I finally caved and answered his question -about how much I pay my accountant- and of course, his response is along the lines of, “I wish I made so much or that my taxes were so complicated that I could pay someone like that.” I make less than he does; I didn’t like having to be put in a position to basically defend a personal choice.
Torin
– That’s none of your business
– I’d prefer not to discuss it
– Why do you want to know so badly?
– It’s weird that you’re being so persistent about this.
– I’m uncomfortable with this topic.
– You’re being rude.
– I make eleventy billion dollars a year.
I don’t think any of those are impolite. The person who is being impolite is the person who insists on pestering you after you’ve been clear that you don’t want to discuss it. You don’t have to engage with people who are being rude.
Cookbooks
Thanks. Co-worker in question is a friend but doesn’t seem to understand that these aren’t things I want to discuss out loud at work. Also, “I make eleventy billion dollars a year, ” made me laugh out loud. That should be my go-to response for all the nosy people around here!
ANON
My response is something like this : I don’t like to talk about this bc in my experience always ends badly….in my past workplaces, when theres open discussion around salary, mortgage paytments, how much you pay yor accountant etc, it always end badly with a lot of passive aggressive judgment for those who earn less/have a higher income/ different lifestyles choices. There is no win win here.
Anon
Deflect. “Ohh, have you heard about XYZ change in tax law? I wonder how the poor IRS workers stay on track of these constant changes!”
California
Hive, would love your ideas! If you had four days in early April and a road trip between LA and San Francisco, where would go, what would you do, and where would you stay?
We are traveling with two under 5, would love to stay in upscale hotels/resorts, want to hit up a beach or two. Am thinking of Monterey, Big Sur, Solvang.
I don’t know CA all that well so would love any tips or recommendations from those that do! Thank you so much.
Anonymous
That’s a quick road trip! I’d do one night in Santa Barbara, two in Big Sur itself, and one in Monterey.
Horse Crazy
Are you starting in LA or SF? Driving down Highway 1 is gorgeous, but there is a mudslide south of Big Sur that has closed it, just FYI.
Recommendations – I’d drive down Highway 1 from San Francisco and stop at the following:
Half Moon Bay (the Ritz is gorgeous)
Santa Cruz (stay at the Dream Inn)
Monterey (Intercontinental or Portola Hotels)
Big Sur (Post Ranch if you can swing it, if not, Ventana Inn is lovely and waaaay cheaper)
Then drive back to Monterey and get on Highway 101 to get to LA. There are a lot of lovely places to stop on the way to LA:
Paso Robles
San Luis Obispo
Solvang/Santa Maria
Santa Barbara
Ventura
Obviously reverse all of that if you’re starting in LA. Email me at my username with no spaces plus e t t e at the google mail if you have more questions or want restaurant/lodging recommendations. Have a great trip!!
California
Hive, would love your ideas! If you had four days in early April and a road trip between LA and San Francisco, where would go, what would you do, and where would you stay?
We are traveling with two under 5, would love to stay in upscale hotels/resorts, want to hit up a beach or two. Am thinking of Monterey, Big Sur, Solvang.
I don’t know CA all that well so would love any tips or recommendations from those that do! Thank you so much.
Anon
I recommend the Clement /intercontinental hotel on cannery row in Monterey. Very upscale particularly if you splurge for a fireplace room.
I like ripplewood cabins in big sur but they are quite rustic. Perfect for a family, though.
Make sure you make a reservation to tour Hearst castle. Staying in Cambria or Morro Bay is nice. You should see pismo beach but maybe not stay there if upscale is key to you. The lighthouse suites are nice for families though and not as run down as most of the properties. I personally like the Kon Tiki Inn but it is not upscale.
Do spend time in Santa Barbara if you can. I like the Hyatt there, across the street from the beach.
Anon
Also solvang is just a nice stop between big sur and the pismo area. You don’t have to spend a night there. Have lunch and a danish and move on. Stop at the ostrich farm on the way out! Your kids will love it. You can feed the ostriches.
Horse Crazy
I absolutely agree that Solvang is worth a stop, but just fyi to the OP, it’s not between Big Sur and Pismo – it’s about an hour south of Pismo Beach, towards LA.
Anon
Oh right, yes we usually do it between Pismo and Santa Barbara headed south. We do this road trip just about every year during our kids’ spring break.
Anonymous
Have ebleskiver, not a danish!
Horse Crazy
Email me if you want recommendations…username plus e t t e at the google mail.
Horse Crazy
I typed a very long recommendation post and it’s stuck :(
Bean74
I’m leaving Friday to do a similar trip! When planning the drive from Anaheim, in our case, to San Francisco, I learned that northbound Route 1 is closed north of Ragged Point, near the entrance of Big Sur. Be aware of that if you were planning to drive up the coast.
We’re taking two days to do the drive with our 14-month old and are staying at the Cavalier Oceanfront Resort in San Simeon for a night.
Other than that, I have no recommendations but anyone I’ve talked to who has done their type of trip couldn’t rave enough about it!