Coffee Break: Round Drop Hoop Earrings

126 Comments

1. (Cross-posted from momssite)

   For those of you who have gone through IVF, how did you decide whether to do one or multiple stim cycles before transfering your first embryo?

   Background is that I’m 38 (although with the ovarian reserve of a 25 year old, apparently), we want to start our family asap, but we also want multiple children (preferable one at a time, though!). IVF w/ICSI due to male factor, and all frozen due to genetic testing. Trying to decide how critical it is to try and get many embryos tucked away, knowing it’ll only be harder to create them as we get older.

   Thanks in advance!

   1. I’ve heard to try to bank 2-3 PGS normal embryos per child you wish to have. Due to vagaries of insurance (which would cover multiple stimulations up to a lifetime max, or up to 3 transfers, whichever happened first) we did 5 stim/retrieval rounds prior to doing an FET (with the thinking that FETs are much cheaper than a stim/retrieval, so we would pay OOP if necessary to do extra transfers). I had poor ovarian reserve though and we ended up with 1-2 normal embryos per round.
      Happily, the first FET took (see below!) though I’d had a failed fresh transfer.
      I also recommend the ERA if you are like me and wanted to do everything possible to maximize chances- it showed I needed an extra day of progesterone prior to transfer.

      TL;DR- I would try to get 5-6 PGS tested embryos now. Good luck!!

2. Recommendations for one-step facial coverage (bonus if drugstore brand)?
   I just had my first baby (yay!) but quickly realized my prior routine of serum + moisturizer + sunblock + primer + concealer + liquid foundation that I brush on + matte powder is not going to cut it. I have uneven skin tone and acne scarring so would like something quick I can use if I’m going to step out of the house (still very self-conscious about the acne scars). Would still use moisturizer and sun protection if needed but I would like a simpler foundation regimen. Thanks hive!

   1. Sound like you need a BB cream. I love Dr Jart but it’s not drugstore. My daughter quite likes the maybelline bb cream, the “dream” label, the one with the blue writing. It contains a little bit of salycilic acid, which is a mild exfoliant. It gets really good reviews online.

   2. I like the Ultra HD Protector Blurring Skin Tint from MakeupForever. I can apply it fairly quickly with a makeup sponge or foundation brush.

   3. I really like Bare Minerals Complexion Rescue Tinted Hydrating Gel – enough coverage for running around, has SPF. However, highly recommend getting the Smoothing Face Foundation Brush for it … makes applying super easy. This is usually what I wear on the weekend.

      1. +1 this stuff is great. Smooths out my complexion without looking like foundation.

   4. I love love love Cover Girl Matte BB Cream. It’s awesome. I am quite fair skinned so the lightest matches me, but I do not know how dark they go in their shade range. that’s the only con I can think of.
      It has good coverage (I have acne scarring/redness and it does a great job of evening out my skintone without additional concealor) and applies easily with fingers, brush or sponge. I do set with a powder, but I don’t think you absolutely have to. It runs about $8ish.

   5. Thank you for the recs!

   6. I love the Urban Decay One and Done CC cream – it comes in a limited range of shades, but the sheer coverage blends in with a wide variety of friends’ skin tones. Decent SPF factor, and applies quickly and easily with fingers or a sponge, no primer needed. Feels hydrating and glides onto skin nicely, dries semi-matte. You may want to finish with a powder if you have oilier skin.

3. What’s a good resource for helping me set short-term and long-term goals and just general productivity? I would love a live or web-based seminar, but am also interested in books.

   1. Best Year Ever? Kind of expensive.

   2. My dad is a great resource; your relatives are generally the best, if they are smart. I do not know your family, but first, you might ask your dad, or other family members, but ONLY if they are smart; otherwise, you should ask your boyfriend or just read Susie Orman’s books, b/c she is very smart even if she is not related. Good luck! YAY!!!!

4. I did a 5k charity run on Saturday. I go to spin class often, and though I seldom/never really run, I didn’t feel like this would be very hard. However, it was uphill most of the way. From that time through now, my arches hurt, my hips hurt, and the muscles in my shoulders/back are on fire. I don’t have health insurance so I can’t just pop into a doctor or nurse without huge costs.

   How do I stop feeling like I aged 60 years in one run? I’ve tried muscle relaxers and OTC but it’s not helping. Recommendations?

   1. Advil, heat, and time. You’re fine.

      1. This. And keep stretching.

      2. +1. I’d also suggest lots of stretching, water, rest, Icy Hot (or similar), and foam rolling if possible. Nothing is wrong–whenever a fit/healthy person switches up exercise, there’s some ache afterward. There’s also the impact of running outside on your joints, which it sounds like you weren’t used to.

      3. Agreed that you are probably fine. I had a hard workout on Saturday and I am still feeling it. You’ll probably feel a lot better by Wednesday.

         1. Agreed, sounds like it’s a nice nasty cause of delayed onset muscle soreness. Just give it time.

            As a counterpoint to some of the above, make sure you’re not over-stretching or over-foam-rolling. And make sure your muscles are nice and warm before you stretch.

         2. I used to get chin splints from running, so now I just walk 10,000 steps a day, and POOF, no more problemo!!! In your case, listen to the other OP’s and give it time. Also, take an aspirin a day, and it should help you cope. If your boyfriend can give you a backrub, that would also help a lot. Just make sure he does not get frisky b/c you are on the mend and do not need him doeing stuff that will not get you feeling any better. FOOEY on that for now, but once you are well, you can make it up to him. YAY!!!

   2. Cycling is no impact, running is high impact. The soreness is likely from the impact, not any lack of overall fitness. In addition to some advil, try icy hot or similar.

   3. Yeah in terms of cardio, running just seems so much harder than … nearly everything else. I’d take it easy this week but definitely keep moving – you’ll be hurting more if you stiffen up. Walking, swimming, rowing at an easy pace would be good.

      If you want to keep running, I’d recommend maybe trying out different shoes and taking a look at your stance – if your arms and shoulders hurt, you might be tensing them up as you run.

      1. +1

   4. Echoing what others have said so far, you are fine, and most of the pain will go away by Wednesday. If you don’t run, and you did no hill training, this is a completely normal result. Running uses different muscles, your form is probably not good because you don’t run frequently and never had the need to work on it, your shoes probably weren’t right.

5. I have a weird problem that I hope someone has insight on. I’ve started working out again (it’s been a few years) and noticed that my feet get kind of numb after about 10 minutes on the elliptical. I think it happens with other things too, but since I mainly use the elliptical that is when I notice it. Has anyone else experienced this? What was the cause or fix?

   1. Yes, it was because I was on my toes too much and I was lacing my shoes too tightly. Try sitting back into your heels more and/or changing the way your shoes are laced!

      1. Second this.

   2. Your shoes are likely the wrong width/ too tight. Go to a running store and get a consult

   3. I had this and it stopped when I went to a podiatrist and got orthotics and picked out properly fitting workout shoes with the help of the podiatrist.

   4. Idk but me too!

   5. Yes. My fix is to not use an elliptical. This doesn’t happen when I run.

      1. +1 Me too

      2. +1

      3. Me too. Idk what it is about the elliptical. My shoes fit properly and they’re not laced too tight. Maybe try walking on the treadmill instead?

   6. Same… I think I’ve read that it’s because you are too much on the ball of the foot where the nerves are, and in a fixed position, they’re sort of falling asleep? For me, the stride of the elliptical isn’t particularly comfortable so I’ll do 20-30 minutes of high resistance where it feels more like a stair-stepper, and then walk on the treadmill for another 20-30.

   7. Changing the style of sock I was using helped a lot in my case (I went from more cushiony socks to a more compression type sock)

   8. I notice this sometimes. It helps to get different shoes. For me, I needed to size up a half size.

6. Congrats! Post-baby, I switched to using just a moisturizer and Josie Maran Argan Tinted Moisturizer SPF.

   Good luck!

7. A friend and I just decided to go to 2019 South by Southwest… we’re not from Austin nor have we ever been. Is there anything we should see/do there away from the event or is the best stuff all going to be part of the event?

   1. I haven’t been in several years, but IIRC there are tons of free parties where you don’t need an event badge to attend. It was the only time I’ve ever been to Austin and I’d love to go back and see what the “real” city is like. It was hard to get that vibe during SXSW since there were so many people there.

      1. It’s hard for the locals to experience the best parts of the city during those few weeks because there are so many people, so many restaurants closed for private SX events, so much afternoon downtown traffic, etc. etc. It’s really one of my least favorite times to live in Austin. I try to avoid anywhere “central” for several weeks…even though I live central. :)

         OP: I’d try for something outside if the weather cooperates at all. Like a hike in the greenbelt, kayaking on or a walk around Town Lake / Lady Bird Lake, “mountain” bike ride on some of the trails, or even driving to a restaurant that’s further-flung from downtown (Salt Lick is a good example, but breweries and wineries could also fit the bill).

8. Garnier BB cream–but be sure to get the one for oil/normal skin and not the anti-aging. It has really nice coverage without feeling heavy. I actually prefer it to more expensive foundations I had been using. Avoid the anti-aging version entirely–it looks really similar but is like a whole other product. That version smells really strong and seems to make pore size/scarring look worse instead of better.

9. When do you use a travel agent and how much does a travel agent cost? Will the accommodate all budgets? I usually love planning my trips but this year I am just worn down by the idea of all the planning. Thinking 2 weeks in Europe, probably Italy and France. I know these are not far flung places that are difficult to travel to and around, but I’d rather just focus my energy on looking forward to and enjoying my trip, not all the logistical planning way in advance. No interested in doing group travel.

   1. I’ve never found travel agents to be worth the money, unless you’re going to a place where it’s incredibly difficult to make plans independently. For France and/or Italy, I’d say simply book an AirBNB or hotel and don’t make any other advance plans. You can plan once you get there and/or your trip will be relaxing and fun without much advance planning.

   2. Many travel agents are free!

   3. LOVED our travel agent experience. We booked the trip through her and didn’t pay her an additional fee on top of it or anything. We have used her for another trip since. No regrets. Happy to recommend her name if you would like.

      1. Yes please!

         1. Great! I will post below and make sure it shows up in a bit…

      2. Amy Rectenwald
         amy@largaytravel.com

   4. A non traditional travel agent that works in your countries of interest is: http://www.aspiringkennedy.com/travel-consults/

   5. Love my travel agent! Love her. They get paid via a commission on your bookings. I found that I paid about the same as the rate I would pay if I booked it myself plus I usually got a small resort credit at various places. If I had really tried to bargain, maybe it would have been cheaper but I don’t have time for that. I just gave her a budget and she lets me know if it’s reasonable.

      I use an agent that specializes in my hobby (SCUBA) and in the area I go (Asia). I would look around for an agent who has traveled extensively in France and Italy; maybe a UK- or East Coast-based agent would be a good place to look?

10. Promise this is the last one :)

    Also for those wondering, excited to have received quite a few expressions of interest (10+)… but from most emails looks like it’ll be hard to find a date/time that works for all :) Anyway, if you are in the Boston area and interested in meeting up IRL send me a note on ruthbaderG on the G00gl3. I will send more information and a d00dle to everyone later this week.

11. When taking courses in a graduate program or an institute for a specific area of your field, do you worry about the GPA or getting perfect scores or does it not matter as long as graduation/completion occurs? Does it matter how close to 100% a person gets if anything from 90-100% is still counted as an A? Does it matter for certification if it’s only pass/fail in grading? Where’s the line between unnecessary anxiety and it may matter later?

    1. I think it depends a lot on your field. In mine, a certain master’s degree is a requirement so you frequently will be asked for your transcripts when you apply for a job. Nobody is going to turn down a great candidate just because you got a B or a C in a few classes, but if you barely squeaked by it would raise some eyebrows, especially if it was in classes that are fairly technical and considered crucial to your specific area.
       Outside my field, I kind of doubt anyone cares this much.

12. Recommendations on best travel insurance? SO and I will be honeymoon-ing in Bali this spring, and are trying to choose a travel insurance to cover the trip. There are so many options and we’re not sure what we need to be looking for…

    1. I chose Allianz. Most important is that you get “any reason” coverage, which I think means buying quickly after you start making arrangements.

13. I work freelance for myself, I’m late 30s, single, no kids… I always worry about not having enough income since I’m on my own, but I am also becoming more aware that I don’t have a great work/life balance since there’s nothing external that makes me knock off at some point. How do others find this balance or choose to relax/self-care when it means turning down work that can’t have deadlines moved? I don’t want to miss out on money but I also can’t afford to burn out!

    1. I would start by making a budget that includes saving a specific amount for retirement, or savings goals like house, car etc. Then you have a target number for how much income you are aiming for each month.
       I would also reflect on the anxiety of leaving money on the table. Not taking on every gig = preserving you sanity = super important for your long-term productivity. You can also have a system of increasing rates in sync with how tight your schedule is. So, if you hit your self-defined threshold for income in a given month, but someone offers you a good gig, you would say to a client ‘this month, my calendar is packed, and if you really wanted to have it done by x date, I could do it for a 20% increased rate. Otherwise, I am happy to deliver it 6 weeks from now to our usual price.’

    2. This is a great question, but if you don’t get many responses it’s probably because most commenters here are not self-employed. I’d suggest looking at sources/forums for self-employed people to get more input from people who know!

    3. Rather than arbitrarily limiting work, I try to actively schedule a reasonable baseline amount of self-care, and then block off/protect that time. It’s probably different for everyone, but maybe it looks like committing to two yoga classes per week, or one visit with a friend, or going away for a long weekend once a quarter. Basically, create external factors for yourself by giving your own wants and needs just a little more weight.

14. So I never really learned how to wear make up as a teen and am now a 38 year old that doesn’t wear it except for a bit of Sephora concealer once in a while to even things out, hide acne. Need to go to an event this week where I need to look good. Looking at my face – it looks so washed out; acne scars, some “bumpy” uneven skin etc. Is there any one product I can buy, thing I can do to look better? I don’t imagine that means apply concealer everywhere as I was under the impression that was spot coverage not full face. Is this that foundation is for? I’ll have access to a Sephora this week before I travel to the event so I’d really appreciate a specific recommendation.

    1. I’d go for a BB cream, mascara, blush, concealer, and lip color of some kind. I think that’s really the minimum.

    2. This is two products, but I would try something like a BB cream or thin/translucent-ish foundation — it’s for going all over your face. Then you can add some blush (I prefer a powder brush) on your cheeks. That combo will give you even-looking skintone but a healthy flush in your cheeks.

       1. +1. If you are unsure, ask them to recommend a blush for your skin tone and watch a video of how to put on blush. I went through the ‘learning how to make up’ a bit earlier than you, you can do this!

    3. Look into a bb cream.

    4. Hit up Ulta if you can or Sephora and get some samples so you’re not paying for something you’ll seldom use. Consider getting your eyebrows groomed if you don’t already. Then either pay for face time at Sephora or try out some testers in the store to decide what you want. I’d say to maybe use a cream eyeshadow to add contrast to your lids or a lipcolor but maybe both would be more than would feel right for you… good luck, use the experts at the stores to recommend things and don’t be afraid to say no even if they give you a hard sell!

    5. 1. Exfoliate regularly (3-4 times/week) to even out skin texture.
       2. Shape/tint your brows – I suggest a wax & brow tint by a professional at first, so you don’t have to think about it for a few weeks, and then when the tint wears off you can maintain the look with a brow pencil.
       3. Tinted moisturizer or BB cream – will even out skintone while punching up your skin’s hydration.
       4. Mascara & lip balm (tinted or not)

       Basically, there’s not one thing, but there are a few things that don’t take much skill. Exfoliating your skin will help your skin feel more smooth and look more clear. The BB cream will even tone and provide moisture.
       The mascara is an extra touch which just takes a quick minute to apply. If you get it on your lid, go in with a q tip for quick cleanup.

    6. Are you me? I too am 38 and just now trying to learn to use makeup.

    7. Thanks all. I didn’t even get what BB cream was until I looked it up just now. I was thinking old school compact with foundation. Provided someone at Sephora can help me pick colors, I’m fine with doing B.B., concealer, and lipstick and maybe blush. I don’t see myself messing with mascara for the first time ever before this event. Eyebrows are already done though TBH I don’t get why that matters from a make up perspective.

       1. I wear mascara nearly every day – in part, because it’s much easier for me than anything else! Maybeline, in the pink and green tube, is a classic for a reason. If your eyes are sensitive, you could try Almay or ask someone at Sephora.

          I hope your event goes well!

          1. My eyes are many times too sensitive for the green & pink classic Maybeline. I had good luck with the Loreal tube mascara also recommended here.

       2. I’d strongly advise you to use a mascara. In my (everyday) personal experience, using foundation + concealer around my eye area tends to make me look tired/just plain off if I don’t go back in with a mascara and darken my lashes. The mascara just helps frame/define my eyes more. I use the No 7 mascara at Target and don’t have issues with it smearing or rubbing off and it’s easy to remove with makeup remover or an oil cleanser. I also carry around Q tips for touch ups if I do ever get smudges underneath my eyes or or my eyelids from applying; it’s easy to suck on the end of one and be precise with what you’re touching up that way, even on the go. (You could also get the end of a Q tip wet with water from a sink…I just..don’t lol)

    8. If this is specific to one event, could you find somewhere that you could get your makeup professionally done before the event? It would probably cost ~$75 but you could easily spend that at Sephora just picking up a couple things.

       Otherwise, I echo what others have said. My personal recommendations would be mascara, blush, and lip gloss.

    9. I would get some bb cream, maybelline dream fresh is good and cheap. Try Nivea or fresh tinted balm, some mascara drug store is fine, concealer where you need it. Maybe add some cream blush, I like the wanderlust one from Sephora it has blush on one side and highlight on the other abs can be blended with fingers. If you want add eyebrow gel benefit brand or nyx are good

    10. Honestly, I’d have somebody do your makeup for you. I’m not a big makeup wearer and whenever I decide I’m going to try something new/more than usual, it never works as well as I want.

    11. Me too! 38 and no idea how to do make-up. I got an appointment with a beauty stylist at Nordstrom (I think it was a 60 minute Beauty 101 appointment). So helpful! She was the first makeup person to help me find skincare and we did a basic make-up look that I can transition into evening. Because I have sensitive skin, I ended up with a bunch of Clinique products. I finally left the makeup counter happy instead of even more confused!

    12. Generally a tinted moisturiser or bb-cream is a cream that will give very light coverage, evening things out.
        A foundation can be lighter or full coverage, matt or glowy. It can be cream, powder, stick etc.

        A concealer has usually one of two main purposes: either covering up a blemish, or being light-reflective to hide tired eyes etc. The products for those purposes are not interchangable. :)

        If you use a product to even out your face (the Maybelline Dream bb-cream one is excellent for doing light coverage in parts of your face, if the colours work for you, and the L’Oreal 24 infallible pro glow is a nice glowy budget foundation) it’s good to use a little blush to put “life” back in your face, you’ll look more healthy and more polished.

        You don’t have to put bb-cream or foundation on your whole face, but you do need to blend really well. An easy tool can be a beauty sponge (they look like colourful little eggs). Put some cream on the back of your hand, wet the sponge a little bit (press out excess), dab the egg in the product and press/tap it into your skin. Tap a lot more than you think is necessary, to blend the product and smooth it into your skin.

        If you’re up for something for your eyes, a warm dark brown crayon pencil will probably look good near the lashes on your top lid, smudge it a little. If you can handle trying mascara, L’Oreal do a lot of nice inexpensive ones. For a beginner I would avoid the ones with applicators that are very bristly (and look like bottle washing brushes) or very curved.

15. What’s your favorite place to stalk holiday décor? Want to set up some price alerts with Covvet.

16. I need to come up with a better wind down routine at night and thinking a glass of something warm/hot might help me relax, think less, and go to bed earlier. Any specific tea recommendations or other ideas? [I am already slowly working to break away from screen time earlier each night as part of the new plan.]

    1. ooo yes, the fall tea at Trader Joe’s. I don’t remember the name, but it’s in an orange box with leaves and a fox on it. So, so good and decaf so perfect for the evenings.

       1. I just bought this! I think it is pumpkin spice. It’s a rooibos tea and quite yummy.

    2. My go to is Tulsi tea from Organic India (available at Amazon). I’m also a fan of Relaxed Mind tea from Yogi Tea. It’s got a sage/lavendar flavor.

    3. My favorite is Harney & sons plum spice (I think that’s the right name—it’s an herbal tea and is so delicious).

17. The above post reminded me that I am still struggling to find a BB cream that’s a good match for my skin tone. Maybe you ladies can help?

    I have what I think is a neutral skintone that is quite light. Dad is light olive skinned, mom is a classic freckle-prone redhead and I’m exactly in between. I’m struggling with tinted creams looking too pink, too peachy, or too olive. I use Lancome’s concealer in “light buff” for under eye circles. My best blush is plum color (Clinique Plumped Up Peony). When I tan, I get kind of orange-ish. Help??

    1. Honestly BB creams are hard to color match because there are usually far fewer colors that foundation stretching to cover skin tones. The Dr. Jart BB creams are pretty neutral to a little yellow. Missha’s is super neutral to even a little grey? Hard to describe but it blends nicely on my warmer toned skin. The Bare Mineral Complexion Rescue is marketed as “better than a BB cream” and has the best color range of something in that category. I might start with that one in person at Ulta.

       1. This is helpful! Thank you!

    2. I don’t know about that, but I’m going to push back strong on the idea that there is a “neutral” skin color.

       1. Between cool and warm (a binary spectrum), there is absolutely such a thing as neutral skin tone.

       2. She is referring to the undertone of the makeup. This isn’t a “nude isn’t a color” in favor of nude-for-you. All shades of skin can skew warm, neutral, cool, red, pink, and yellow, not matter how dark or light the person is. That’s why a lot of brands have a band of colors in each undertone rather than a random smattering of dark to light.

    3. Your olive skinned dad would probably have a lot of yellow, maybe a sallow hint of green to his complexion, getting lovely warm-toned in the summer but with a clear cold undertone. Your mother might be a number of combinations or green or blue or peachy, but I’m guessing since you say neutral you can see both cold and warm colours in your elf.

       Do you look “dirty” if you use beige (yellow) tones? lobster-ish if you use pink ones? I have this, a so-pale-it-looks-cool peachy pink skin. I am very happy with the L’oreal 24 infallible pro glow as a “neutral”, different shades for summer and winter. It’s not a bb-cream, but a very light and blendable foundation that can be used like one. I like that it gives me a little warm-ish lift, without being orange or beige (those are my no-noes) and blends well. I use an illuminating powder over it, the Hourglass Ambient Dim Light (“neutral peach beige”).

18. I am looking for suggestions on how to compassionately respond to some hurtful allegations DH has recently raised. Generally, he feels I am not affectionate enough with him when we are socializing in public and that I don’t do enough to focus on him in group settings or actively demonstrate my love for him in these situations. I can sort of see where he’s coming from, we do a lot of activities and hobbies just the two of us, so when we go out, especially at formal events or parties, I usually do focus on catching up with people I don’t see all the time, and I tend to focus on “new” people at the gathering who may not know everyone or feel awkward or left out. DH is perfectly social and has many friends, so it’s never a situation where he’s standing around with no one to talk to. However, he has let his apparent frustration fester to a point where it blows up every few years after an event to the where he essentially accuses me everything short of actually cheating on him. This latest situation he mentioned some incident (I don’t even recall) where I hugged a long-time (male) friend at a party when the friend found something I had misplaced and was looking for. DH is so reasonable and wonderful about so many things, I genuinely do think I need to make some adjustments in my conduct to make him feel more comfortable, but some of his concerns do feel like he just has a jealous streak that I shouldn’t indulge too far. Thoughts?

    1. Have you (both) ever talked about what your socializing expectations are at these events. You described to us that you see it as catching up with people you don’t see and meeting new people. How does your husband see it? The same, but as a unit? Does he consider it his chance to show you off a bit?

       It feels a little like it’s a mismatch in expectations, but you each might need to verbalize those expectations to the others to understand how you/he can help each other have an evening you enjoy? Like, even more specific than what you’ve described here – which maybe he has, but I’m not even sure what “actively demonstrate my love ” means except for gazing adoring at him all night long….which doesn’t sound fun for you. But if he wants you to stick around more and not run off and talk to people without him? That might seem more reasonable.

    2. He got mad at you for hugging a friend completely platonically? He might be reasonable in every single other way, but that is still unreasonable, and you don’t have to cater to it.

       1. + 1

          Being decent in 90% of your life doesn’t mean you can be a jerk in the 10% with no repercussions.

    3. It seems like there are two separate issues. First, your husband seems to want more attention and affection from you in large social settings. That seems reasonable enough. I’m an extrovert and can always find someone to talk to at parties, but I often miss DH at parties where we wind up separated for hours and can’t make our way back to each other. It’s nice to check in with a spouse at a party, give their hand a squeeze, and let them know you love them.

       Second, it sounds like your husband has jealousy issues. I probably would not adjust my conduct in terms of how I interact with other people, especially over something like a friendly hug.

    4. My thoughts are that this is completely unreasonable. I used to be married to that guy and it was awful.

       Do not indulge this kind of behavior, and remember that relationships stand or fall not on the reasonable and wonderful things, but on the bad things. And wanting to be the boss of how you conduct yourself in public and requiring you to focus on him to the exclusion of others in social settings? Bad things.

       1. Ugh – STAHP. People are not perfect. Your relationship advice is so … off.

          1. I respectfully disagree. Actually complaining out loud about a hug with a friend is not an ok thing. He is not the boss of the OP and he is being incredibly needy especially under the circumstances (where she says that he has lots of friends to talk to, he is not standing alone in the corner).

             OP, there is one person in this scenario who should adjust their behaviour and sister, it ain’t you.

             1. He blows up every few years. Of course, it’s wrong. Address it, talk about it, draw boundaries, but SA is so over the top critical of everybody partners and marriages. It’s absurd.

          2. No, no it isn’t. I don’t know what your problem with SA is, but it’s a YOU problem, not an SA problem.

          3. I for one am glad that SA is so up-front with this advice. If somebody had been this blunt with me in person and earlier, I probably wouldn’t have wasted 7 years of my life putting up with behaviors that had skewed my sense of normal to tolerate crap that no person in a relationship should put up with. Seeing it here over and over was part of what caused me to reevaluate and eventually leave.

       2. I don’t know, I can see how if I was at a party with my spouse, and he was in a super-socializing mood, and being super “on” for other people, but ignoring me completely, it might make me more sensitive to him being physically affectionate with another friend. I’m not a jealous person at all, but it seems more like he just needs you to check in with him occasionally or give him a smile or acknowledgment that he is there with you. My husband has sometimes felt like this at big family events (for my giant family), it’s not really a jealousy thing so much as feeling abandoned on his own. I’ve felt like this at events for my husband too, and it really goes a long way towards making me feel more comfortable when he is not so totally immersed in the moment that he forgets about me completely. It’s not totally rational, but it’s also not an unreasonable request.

          1. +1 to the first half. I don’t agree w Senior Attorney on this one–there seems to be some anger in her responses that, from what OP has shared, is unwarranted. No offense intended, just my observation reading the string late in the day.

             I think he’s expressing some feelings, and some of those feelings may have been overblown reactions, but from the original post and your response below, he doesn’t seem to be asking for anything unreasonable. (For example, you haven’t said that he’s asked you never to hug male friends, just that one particular episode was problematic. It may not be reasonable that he is so upset but it doesn’t sound like he’s drawing any hard lines in the sand over it either. He may also just not like the dude, hence their failing/failed friendship.)

             It sounds like you are both having a bit of trouble understanding where the other is coming from and working on that from both sides (as you are!) is the way through it.

             1. Agree with this.

    5. He needs to drink less. Or stop drinking.

       I realize you didn’t mention drinking so I’m reading between the lines a little here. But a normally-rational guy has this wholly irrational reaction specifically at parties? Dude it’s because he’s drunk. He needs to own up to the fact that he’s becoming a bad drinker instead of blaming you.

       Tbh I’m much more concerned that he’s raising this with you after the fact. It’s one thing to (very, very) occasionally have a drunkenly jealous reaction… and then apologize the next day. It’s quite another to double down on it when you’re sober. I’ve really only seen that kind of behavior in problem drinkers – ime denying that you were irrational when drunk goes hand in hand with denying that you have a drinking problem.

       1. And on the flip side, is it possible that the OP, after a drink or two, inadvertently appears more flirtatious than she thinks she does?

       2. OP here, I agree that drinking has always been the common denominator in every situation where he gets frustrated about these issues. We always have the conversation a day or two later when we are sober, but he gives me the silent treatment in the meantime. Also, we do not discuss how alcohol may be impacting our perceptions of our own actions and other people’s actions and motivations, so maybe it’s time to incorporate that into the conversation.

          1. Oh, no no no no no no no!! Not the silent treatment!

             I’m sorry this is happening, OP, and I’m sorry if some people are offended by my very hard line on this kind of thing, but drunken jealous and the silent treatment and yelling? Just… no. You don’t have to live like this.

          2. Are you married to a child? The silent treatment is not something that reasonable adults do.

    6. OP Here, thank you all for your observations and ideas. I do want to make more of an effort to “check-in” with him at parties and try to have more joint “catch-up” conversations that also involve him. I’m not a big “PDA” person but I want to do more of that if it’s important to him.

       The piece that still troubles me is the issue of the platonic hug. This incident apparently happened years ago but it obviously stuck with DH to the point where he raised it during his recent angry episode after an event. He cut off contact with that friend about 18 months ago, and that “incident” appears to have been a motivating factor (but there were also other general personality incompatibilities).

       1. I can relate a lot to your post. My husband is incredible and such a great partner in many ways, but he gets frustrated when we are in social settings and I spend a lot of time talking to other people (especially random strangers who I will never see again, such as while on vacation). He doesn’t care if I talk to men or women though, he just thinks it’s odd that I derive so much joy in chatting with others regardless of gender.

          We then took the Strength Finders assessment and my number one strength is “Wooer” — someone who genuinely enjoys making connections with new people. Showing him the results of that test made him better understand that this is who I am. With that said, I do try to check in on him in social settings now and then, but I also continue to talk to whomever I like.

          1. I would honestly not like this at all. Thanks for recommending the Strength Finders assessment to help me understand.

       2. Wow.

          Please don’t make this about you. This is not about you — it’s about him being way way unreasonable. Honestly there is not enough good behavior in the world that will satisfy him.

          People keep suggesting it all the time here, but maybe some individual therapy for you to explore whether his demands are reasonable?

       3. YEARS??? I am doubling down on my previous sentiment, OP – your husband is the problem here. Not you.

       4. This strikes me as a huge red flag, that he is still mad about an “incident” of hugging a friend in a public, social situation that happened years ago. I do get wanting more check-in/acknowledgment of his presence in social situations, but this kind of unreasonable jealousy is not okay. And the silent treatment also is not okay, it’s abusive. Ask me how I know these things.

       5. Just bounced some ideas off my SO and he thinks this might be a keeping up with the Jones problem. Your DH wants to be the life of the party, and he wants his friends and everyone there to know about it, and he also wants you two to appear as the power couple you are. Men read way too much into these kinds of things, and are always trying to one up one another, bigger tv, bigger boat, etc. So, he wants you to be there by his side so he can show you off to his friends, and thats where all the jealousy comes from. You hugging whoever, in addition to making him feel jealous, also made him feel like he wasn’t the best most coolest guy at the party because you were hugging someone else. Or worse, one of his stupid friends said something to him, locker room talk style and now its there stuck in his head forever. :/

          Men can be really dumb and petty sometimes.

          Another possibility is that you are a fantastic conversationalist, and partner and when you are not with him at these kinds of things, especially when he talks to other couples, he just does not feel like he is batting 100%. And he is just using the hugging thing as an excuse.

19. My cleaner texted asking very nicely if I would “consider a raise” given [completely legit reasons]. I’m fine with a raise as they’ve been with us for 2+ years with no increase. But…do I suggest an amount? How much? Do I say “yes, what are you thinking?”

    My COLA is 3-5% so something like 10% seems reasonable…but honestly 15% would be fine too for us, it’s only a few dollars more.

    She priced the service originally so I’d think she would have take a more “effective 1/1 our rates will increase to X to accommodate [reasons]”.

    Thoughts?

    1. I think “yes, what are you thinking?” sounds like a good response.

    2. You could also say “Yes, we really appreciate your work. Do you think $x/cleaning is fair?” You could also add something along the lines of “I’ve done a bit of research and that seems to be the [high end of the] market rate [with a x% increase], but I’m happy to discuss it further.”

20. Heading to Atlanta for a conference in about a month. Will be staying at the Marriott Marquis downtown. Suggestions for a good restaurant in the area? Doesn’t have to be in walking distance, but hopefully not all the way across town either.

    There will be 6-8 of us, and at least two vegetarians, so looking for something with at least one solid vegetarian entree choice.

    1. I’m a vegetarian, had a great meal and cocktail’s in Atlanta last spring with a non-veg colleague (we were also at a conference, stayed at the Hyatt) at Poor Calvin’s. It’s Asian-soul food fusion. You’d definitely need a reservation; it’s small and popular.

    2. I’m not as familiar with the downtown restaurants, but there are some great restaurants with vegetarian options in Midtown or on the Westside. Will require a cab, but wouldn’t be considered across town. Consider Empire State South, Miller Union or JCT Kitchen.

    3. I stayed there a number of years ago. There is a good restaruarnt in the hotel itself, and then you will NOT have to travel or take an UBER to get there, b/c you are already there! YAY!!

    4. Sotto Sotto (Italian; in a restaurant/shopping area)

       Mediterranea (lots of great veg options; in a neighborhood)

21. I think you can ask her how much. However, if you are pretty confident that it’s the going rate in your area/otherwise set on +10-15%, I don’t think there’s any harm in saying, we appreciate your work on xyz and are willing to pay [x] effective [date]. Maybe expect a little negotiation.

22. Or you could save up and buy Ipollita pink mother of pearl earrings instead throwing your money away on fakes that tarnish and then are useless.

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