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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 286 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Corduroy Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I was just in J.Crew recently, and they've got a ton of really great textured, fun things, including leopard velvet — and note that the Going Out blazer now comes in velvet! I was really drawn to this corduroy blazer, which has a very wide wale. We're featuring it in the navy because that's probably the one you're going to want. It's great to pair with navy dresses, gray trousers, navy trousers, etc., because of its texture and the slight sheen to it, and corduroy is very easy to wear as a blazer or topper with pants that aren't a matching set. This also comes in a beige-y “melted caramel” and a light green “frosty olive.” It's available in regular, petite, and tall sizes and is $198 full price. With 30% off with code CHILL, that brings it down to $138.60. Corduroy Blazer There really don't seem to be any good plus-size alternatives out there that are close to this, but in terms of texture, this blazer at Loft has an interesting one and goes up to size 26. It's machine washable and $108. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Starting next week, I need to carry a credit card – sized badge to get around my office (including other floors, hallways, and employee restrooms). I typically don’t carry my cell phone in my firm and most of my suits don’t have pockets. Looking for a professional and user-friendy combo. Lanyard? Clip-on badge for my hip? Magnetic badge holder for torso?

    • Anonymous

      I stuck a pocket thing on my phone and now lug my giant i-phone around all day. But I lost my badge too often otherwise. Handy for when running out at lunch b/c I can put a credit card or a $20 in the pocket along with my badge (or my license if I’m running around on weekends).

    • Anonymous

      I’ve found that a lanyard is the only thing that works with all of my work outfits. I don’t have to figure out where to clip anything, and there isn’t a clip to damage any pockets/lapels/etc.

      • Annie

        +1. Not the most stylish look but I can put it on in the AM, forget it, and have access to the building all day no problem.

        • CountC

          +2 This is the only way I don’t lock myself out of the building. I have a company branded one that is an obnoxious color – hard to lose/easy to find.

    • Veronica Mars

      Brighton has some nice silver badge clips that look more like a necklace than a lanyard.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I prefer the clip-on badge. It was issued to us along with the badge; company branded, naturally. I wouldn’t be surprised if they offer you a lanyard or clip.

    • Anonymous

      I like the clip on my hip, but have a back up lanyard for when I wear a dress without a belt.

    • BB

      If you don’t wear dresses often (so skirts/pants), a retractable belt clip is probably best. It’s very unobtrusive and won’t flap around like a lanyard. Only issue is that you need somewhere to clip it and dresses usually don’t have anywhere to do, but waistband of pants/skirts is fine.

    • Flats Only

      Clip at the hip on the same side as your dominant hand is easiest, and won’t interfere with necklaces like a neck lanyard does. For outfits without a waistband or pocket to clip it to , you can put a safety pin on the inside of the garment and then clip the clip to the little bar of the pin that shows on the outside.

    • K

      Depends if there’s a look you’re going for. I’m in engineering, most of us use the retractable clips hooked on to our belt loops, others use either a plain black lanyard or one from their college. You could go for one that looks more like a necklace. I personally like the belt loop clip.

    • Anon

      I prefer the retractable clip as it’s less obtrusive. I clip it to the edge of my pant/skirt, and to the neckline of my dress if I’m wearing one. The lanyards I’ve found get in the way while I’m typing and discourages me from wearing necklaces. If you do a lanyard, I usually see the company branded ones or a black/gray/brown or other neutral color. The necklace lanyards are cute but I never see anyone where them, it just reads as “too fancy” or just generally out of place at the company (industry: oil and gas).

    • anon

      I transfer my essentials from my tote to a wristlet when I get to work and carry my badge around that way–most of the women I work with do the same, or put a pocket on their phone case. I use the Cuyana work clutch for this purpose

  2. Online Banking

    I’m looking to open an online bank account for a vacation fund. I already have a checking and savings (used as an emergency fund) through my regular institution. Any recommendations? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been happy with Barclay’s Online savings account. They increase my interest rate regularly, it is almost 2%.

    • Anon

      My recommendation is to move your emergency fund to an online bank too. If you’re not getting 1.8% interest, you’re leaving money on the table. I’ve been satisfied with Ally but will move my money if someone else offers a significantly better rate.

    • Anon

      I loved Ally so much I shifted all my accounts there and only have one checking with a mainstream bank for ease of use with cash machines.

    • +1

      Another vote for Ally. Currently 1.9% interest, and they raise it frequently. I keep the bulk of my cash there (checking and savings), though my husband maintains some traditional bank accounts for ease of ATM access (Ally will reimburse $10 of fees/month and Allpoint ATMs are free).

      The only thing I would love to have that Ally doesn’t do is free foreign ATM fees – sounds like this wouldn’t be a concern for you given it’s not your checking account, but I am personally considering opening a separate checking account for this purpose.

  3. Anon

    I have been so disturbed by the Khashoggi case. Is anyone else following it? For once, I hope Lindsay Graham’s blatant *ss-kissing encourages Trump to do the right thing and respond harshly.

    • Anonymous

      Trump won’t do anything. He DNGAF. Don Lemon on CNN last night had a clip of how Trump is wildly lying about the jobs number associated with the arms deal in order to avoid even the most basic economic sanctions. Video clips of him claiming it’s 40 000 jobs, then 50 000 jobs, then 60 000 jobs, then 500 000 jobs then ‘almost a million jobs’.

      I’m mostly surprised that the Saudis kill one guy in Turkey and it gets more attention than the thousands of people the Saudis have killed over the last year in Yemen.

      • Anonymous

        Just like no previous presidents did anything about the killings in Yemen. It’s a complicated situation – not just the jobs but also middle eastern stability. To say he won’t do anything because he doesn’t care is to say that Obama also didn’t care. Them’s the facts.

      • Anonymous

        he gets attention because he wrote for the Washington Post on occasion.

    • Cb

      It’s such a horrific story. Something out of a spy novel – but the editor would reject it for being unrealistic – ‘Why would they kill him in their own embassy? Why does it take 15 people to kill one guy?’

      • Anonymous

        A lot of the story is crazy but those are almost the most realistic/expected parts. He was in Turkey and would never agree to travel to Saudi Arabia. The embassy is SA territory (like all embassies) so his killers cannot be prosecuted in Turkey (only expelled if they are still there). And I presume the 15 people are because he was tortured beforehand for information on his sources in SA.

        The main thing I’m surprised about is that someone so close to the Crown Prince was involved. Usually they try harder to maintain plausible deniability.

        • Anonymous

          Side note but that is not what the Vienna Convention says. Embassies have certain rights and protections but are not foreign soil in the host country.

          • anonymous diplomat

            +1,000,000

            The Convention says diplomatic missions are “inviolable,” which means the host govt cannot enter without permission of the head of mission. Host govt cannot search, seize, requisition the property or contents. See 1961 Vienna Convention on Diplomatic Relations Article 22 . Actually Articles 21-25 may apply. A baby born in a US Embassy, for example, is not a US citizen (unless a parent is an qualifies by blood). US Constitution does not apply. Etc etc.

      • Anonymous

        My rule of thumb in life is lots of people are bad at their jobs. This even applies to murder task forces, apparently.

  4. Anon

    When you are feeling low on confidence, what are some things you do that boosts it? Because of a work situation, my confidence is wrecked. I’m trying to fake it till I make it but it’s hard. Any tips?

    • Anon

      The Podcast Forever35 recent discussed this – one suggestion was to keep a journal/list of your professional (or non-professional!) accomplishments and to reflect back on that when times are tough. I really liked the idea and think I’ll start doing this myself. You got this, Anon!

    • Anonymous

      Try a fun new exercise class or hobby. Learning something new is always a great confidence booster.

      At work, focus on what does go right despite the challenging circumstances, and on the positive ways you respond to setbacks and mistakes. Getting very organized so you know exactly what is going on with all your projects and you can see the big picture, even if you are in the midst of a desperate crunch time situation, will also help.

    • Anonymous

      It maybe the Jersey girl in me, but this works for me:

      Metallica
      Hamilton soundtrack
      Anything with a good driving beat (not necessarily metal, but metal helps)

    • Pompom

      Obviously YMMV, but for me, a quick funny way to get me pumped up to feel better about basically anything in my life = watching the viral you t u be video from a few years back : Jessica’s Daily Affirmation.

      You got this, OP!

    • Anonymous

      My kids watch a video on GoNoodle to get pumped up – it’s called “Peanut Butter In A Cup.” It makes me laugh every time and I swear it actually works.

  5. Anxiety

    For anyone with extreme anxiety, have non-medical routes worked for you? I’m not opposed to medicine, it’s just that I’m too sensitive to side effects. I’d like to find some other ways to deal. For reference, I’m talking social anxiety that really manifests even in one on one convos.

    • Anonymous

      Mindfulness in the moment about what is causing my anxiety in a given situation has been the best thing, and then not being afraid to feel the actual emotions I’m feeling – anger, sadness, grief, loss – which were getting covered up by the anxiety

    • Anon for this

      If you’re sensitive to side effects, consider getting the cheek swab test at your psychiatrists office. This will help you find the best match to your chemical makeup and minimize side effects. Otherwise it’s a guessing game between you and your doctor. For non medical options, the Anxiety and Phobias workbook by Dr. Bourne is incredible and lays out every single treatment option for anxiety. It is an incredible resource and only a few dollars for the 5th or 6th edition.

    • Leatty

      Unfortunately, non-medical routes didn’t work for me. when I was trying to get pregnant the first time, I weaned myself off my SSRI and stayed off it for 6 months. During that time, I did weekly therapy, but still managed to have horrific anxiety and panic attacks. Part of that could be attributed to having a stressful job with a difficult boss, but it was bad enough that I immediately went back on my SSRI. The SSRI I’m currently taking is no longer doing the trick, so I will be changing it once I meet with a new psychiatrist. In the interim, I have been doing yoga, which seems to help some.

    • anon

      -yoga. generally helps me unwind in all ways.

      -practice making small talk with lots of different people, like cashiers, wait staff. They’re already going to be nice to you and the interaction is inherently short lived, so it’s an easy way of boosting your confidence, practicing connecting with someone. You’ll feel confident that you can start off a convo with anyone.

    • Anonymous

      How so? If the conversation is the problem, can you just focus on asking questions? If it’s starting/stopping a conversation, can you plan openers or closers in advance?

    • Anon

      Therapy with a focus on learning and practicing coping mechanisms, de-escalation techniques, and mindfulness is one of the most useful tools in attacking anxiety disorders. My doctors literally prescribed therapy with medication and emphasized how much more impactful the medicine is with therapy, but therapy alone can do wonders.

    • Anonymous

      When it comes to side effects on psych meds, I had fewer side effects on amino acids than on psychotropics. It’s technically still medicating, but at least it’s nothing you don’t also get from food.

      When it comes to social anxiety, think about all the contributing factors. Is it all cognitive (worrying about what they’ll think, etc.)? If so, CBT could be helpful.

      Would it help to just get really good and practiced at conversation? If this would help, you can see a speech therapist for speech pragmatics. They will be more expert than a regular therapist at actually improving your conversational strategies.

      Are there other factors? Are there any situations in which the anxiety isn’t as bad? (For example, is it worse when you have conversations in places with florescent lighting? Is it worse when you are standing vs. when you are sitting? Those were both big factors for me. Turns out I have some autonomic nervous system issues that were acting up entirely separately from the part of the nervous system that involves thoughts and feelings.)

  6. BigLaw slow road

    Re BigLaw, here is my path:

    associate, a couple of lateral moves; pushed out of BigLaw firm #1 as 4th year (not surprising)
    moved to RegionalLaw as associate, made counsel as 8th year (these were the best years ever — good work/life balance, good autonomy)
    *** key thing: I had one of my own clients in this time; this client more than covered my salary / K-1 draw ***
    12th year — promoted to income partner, have kid #1
    10 years later — RegionalLaw firm merges into BigLaw; finally made equity partner (acquired more clients; clearly felt that a man with my stats would have been promoted a lot sooner and that $ is significantly better)

    I have never really felt supported by my firm. I got all of my clients 100% on my own. OTOH, I feel like I have thrived on benign neglect b/c no one fights me when I leave at 4 (no one feels bad when I work into the night from home though), go to kids things, etc. For better or worse, my practice has been 100% me.

    I think that the key thing is that if you can have a direct client relationship, you can control your destiny a lot better than if you work for a 4th year corporate associate or random person. You can’t control your schedule exactly, but it is so much better when there is no middleman who forgets to tell you something until 5 on a Friday.

    Also, my firm isn’t ever going to be Wachtell. We don’t push out truly dead weight fast enough but we also don’t have a strict up-or-out weedout at any point. But for those of us who run a practice that stays in the black, we know that there will always be a place for us somewhere and we can keep a roof over our heads. I’m not killing myself to do more-more-more but will think of what work makes sense, which clients are nice, which clients pay promptly, etc. I want to do good work. I want to train my associates well enough that I can dial it back and take real downtime. It’s not the model that will work for everyone, but I think it’s why I’m not like so many of my classmates who had quit by our 10 year law school reunion (oh, and I don’t have a fancy pedigree — middle of my class, T25-50 law school, depending on the year). Kids are in grade school.

      • Anonymous

        I’m not really a boppy cheerleader type, but I try to call when I can vs e-mail, so I seemed to have more relationships that built up slowly over time. And I’m not afraid to not know all of the answers — I did a lot of drama/improv as a teen and I think it helped me figure out things on my feet while not sounding like an idiot.

        I had some luck with my lateral move that someone senior to me quit and I had to step up and having to directly manage that first client (long gone). And contacts gradually moved around and became more senior and we just casually kept in touch (true story: one random contact on a deal was just a great person to work with and called a year later when he needed some work done; he came from a V25 firm and could have easily gone there but didn’t; that firm has been a great client for 10+ years even though the original contact has moved into a different role where we’re not really on deals together any more).

        I don’t go out partying and drinking with clients. That may work for some people, but it’s just not me.
        But I do try to take really good care of their needs and look out for them (dude — tax law has changed; we need to chat). I speak a bit on topics of interest to my clients and try to leverage that into ways in-house people can get CLEs and we can show how we can be good servants to them.

  7. Kelsey

    Heading to D.C. for a weekend and wanting to check out a Nordstrom rack and I see there are two right near Capitol hill. Does one have better selection than the other? Any other good shopping or casual places to eat that you’d recommend around there? Is the national portrait gallery worthwhile?

    • Anon

      The Nordstrom Racks are basically the same – the one on 12th Street is close to an Off 5th, TJ Maxx and Marshalls so it may have an edge if you’re looking to do some more shopping.

      Portrait Gallery is great – open until 7, which is later than most museums. It’s also a Smithsonian so it’s free. So if you go in and hate it (although this is very unlikely), you can just leave.

    • BabyAssociate

      Neither of the Nordstrom Racks are particularly close to Capitol Hill. The 12th St NW location is better than L St, but neither is anything special, unless you don’t have one local to you.

      I do like the Portrait Gallery. Be sure to go into the American Art Museum too and see the Trevor Paglen exhibit. For food in the Portrait Gallery area, Zaytinya is right across the street. You could also walk over to Rasika for Indian or grab ramen at Daikaya.

      • Anon

        The Marshall’s on 14th is excellent!! I find the TJ Maxx to be meh and the Nordstrom Rack to be pretty good.

    • Green Hat

      The one closest to Capitol Hill is the one at Metro Center. The other one is at Farragut, which isn’t particularly close to Capitol Hill and is kind of dead on the weekends. So I’d stick to the one by Metro Center.

      I wouldn’t say there is “good” shopping around there, but there is shopping – Banana Republic, Zara, H&M, Off 5th, Ann Taylor, Macy’s. Bonus of that location is that it is close to the museums. And I do really like the National Portrait Gallery, which is right there too. For fun/different places to eat nearby, I highly recommend Daikaya for ramen (though be aware that there is often a long wait list at night). Or Luke’s Lobster or HipCityVeg if you are looking for more fast-casual places.

    • Anonymous

      I vote for the 12th St one. The TJ Maxx near there is consistently good, and so is the Marshall’s. There’s also an Ann Taylor and a Banana Republic around the corner from the TJ Maxx, but I haven’t been in either in years.

      • Anon

        +1 to the 12th St store. There’s a Saks Off Fifth right next door, and an ok TJMaxx down the street. The Marshalls off of 14th isn’t my favorite though

    • Anon

      FYI, back in the day Nordstrom Rack had mostly clearance items from their regular stores. For the last several years, they have mostly carried their own brands, so are basically just a downmarket store carrying the Nordstrom name. I think of it as something like a Kohl’s but with the Nordstrom cachet.

      If that is what you’re looking for, great. But you’re not really going to find a lot of high end stuff at great discounts.

      • Anonymama

        The one near me has a lot of name brands… maybe 1/3 to half the store, at least?

        • Anon

          Late on this, but many of the name brands are made by that line specifically for the rack, so they’re not the same quality as the line carried in the regular store.

  8. Anon

    Recommendations for comfy, somewhat stylish loafers for wide feet under $150?

  9. Anon for this

    Is it expected or typical that you negotiate salary for in-house counsel positions? Received an offer to move in-house that I am considering. Excited about the company and the work, but wish the salary was just a little higher. I’m also looking at the benefits salary for total comp. Any other big considerations that those of you who are in-house recommend looking into or asking about while considering the offer? Thanks,

    • Leatty

      Definitely negotiate. My first in-house gig matched my law firm salary (I was underpaid at the law firm), and I should have pushed harder for more. My second in-house gig, I was so desperate to leave the first in-house gig that I didn’t negotiate…and they offered me $5k more than I asked for (there was someone else who was hired at the same time for the same job, so I suspect they offered us the same salary). In hindsight, I wish I would have negotiated at both jobs. If you don’t negotiate, you’ll never know if you could have been paid more.

    • anon

      Yes! Negotiate. I just got an in-house offer bumped up $15K (by asking for $35K and figuring they would meet me somewhere in the middle).

    • Cat

      Yes negotiate. It’s not like lockstep law firm life where your salary is just set based on your year.

    • Anon also going in house

      Following and looking for similar advice as I am also in this stage of the in-house process. I was given a salary range for the position ($5k range) at the start of the process, so I really did have a good idea of the comp package before moving ahead with interviews. When negotiating, should I go above their stated range, or ask for the very top of the range? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Make sure to negotiate PTO, vacation, and/or sick time. I’ve been told it’s often quite easy to get an extra year’s worth of accumulated PTO the day you start versus a year later–what a huge difference! Even if you don’t get a whole year, just getting SOMETHING will be meaningful if you’re coming from a firm where no one monitors your vacation or sick time as long as you hit your hours.

  10. Veronica Mars

    Gut check here, how much is too much to spend on term life insurance? My husband and I are shopping for policies and I want to put at least 1.25 million on him, and about a million on me (he would want to even reduce further), and this puts our monthly cost at about $80 ($50ish for him and $30ish for me). My attitude is that it’s an appropriate amount of insurance for us, but should we consider limiting the term to cut the cost a bit? How much do you pay per month?

    • Anonymous

      When will your kids be out of college? That’s how I’d choose the term.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Ask whether they offer a discount if you pay once per year rather than every month. Ours does.

      • Aggie

        Ours does as well – it was nearly a 15% discount. I was shocked! We ended our term three years after my youngest would graduate from college.

    • Anonymous

      Do you have kids together (or might you) or large real estate/other debt?

      Don’t limit the term — when the term is up, that is when you’ll be more expensive to insure (if you’re even insurable — if he gets T2 diabetes by then, which happens more than you’d think, he will be uninsurable).

      I’d go to a 30-year term if you are <40. If you are re-shopping insurance when you are 55, it will be a wildly different experience for you.

      • Veronica Mars

        We have a mortgage but do not have kids yet, although we’re planning on starting a family soon. I want to go ahead and get the coverage now since we’re both young and healthy.

    • Anon

      I’m paying annually, but I’m $1.0 mil/25 years for about $60/month. I used PolicyGenius based on recommendations here and they’ve been phenomenal. My policy should (knock on wood) complete underwriting and be finalized at the end of this week.

      Using their s!te, you should be able to compare quotes without actually having to commit to anything. Could be a useful tool as you try to gut check what you’re looking for.

      • Veronica Mars

        Thank you! I’ve been using them for my quotes and I agree, it’s so easy. I also compared it to another insurance broker (Zander) and it was about $10 cheaper for my spouse.

    • anon

      It’s hard to say without knowing your health and the term, but that seems reasonable. We pay $90/month combined for 750K each, 20 year term, purchased in our late-30s 8 years ago. We are now mid 40s (with some health scares in the past few years) and looking to add another 20-year term to carry us through the college years and the cost is much higher. So I would say buy as much as you can comfortably afford with a long term when you are young.

    • Anon

      $80/month is totally reasonable for premiums for both of you. This is an essential coverage for parents to have. Don’t cheap out on it.

    • Anonymous

      DH and I are 35. Our kids will graduate college when we are 55. We have a 25 year policy on each of us, $2m on him, 1M on me. $29/mo and $49/mo for us respectively. DH has slightly high BP.

      • Veronica Mars

        Woe, that’s a great price for $2 million! Ours is quoting around $70 for similar coverage.

    • MNF

      We only have 10 year term because our financial planner/life insurance agent told us that longer is basically a waste of money. Our health ratings don’t expire if we buy more within the 10 year term, which I think is what makes the difference. He suggested just investing the difference in premiums on what would be the longer term.

  11. Analysis paralysis

    This is the poster that was overwhelmed and strugglign with design options for condo renovations. Thank you all for your help! Picking out tile went well this weekend (though I have woken up the past two nights doubting my choice). What’s done is done!

    I used Pinterest a lot, which was a great suggestion. I’m trying to figure out lighting for a kitchen and I’m struggling to find the right terms to search on Pinterest. We currently have one light fixture of track lighting in the middle of our kitchen. We have two island-like cabinets and the track light fixture is not on top of either–it’s centered in our kitchen. It seems like most renovations would do recessed lighting and pendant lights over the main island, but that doesn’t work with us because of budget and the double island-like issue. Instead, we want to keep the one light centered in the kitchen and add recessed lighting later if we really need it. What kind of light fixture should I be looking for to replace the older track lighting? Do I have to stick with track lighting, or are there options that are essentially really wide, multi-bulb flush mounts? Anything that hangs wouldn’t work because people would walk under it. TIA!

    • Anon

      Look at rejuvenation online. They are the pros. I’m really pleased with the kitchen and bathroom lighting I bought from them.

    • Anonymous

      I would seriously just hire a designer for this – it’s a big investment and you may as well do it right, with someone who knows your space.

  12. Anon

    Superficial complaint of the day: I really hate that Dunkin Donuts and other similar places add extra sugar crystals to the top of their muffins! I’m unde no delusions that a muffin is healthy in any way shape or form, but do they have to make it worse with all the extra sugar?

    • Anonymous

      It’s not that hard to knock off/it’s a pretty trivial amount of sugar compared to what’s in the muffin.

    • emeralds

      As someone who loves muffins all the time, and occasionally loves a giant, fluffy Dunkin/Starbucks/grocery store muffin…the sugar crystals on top are the least of their added-sugar sins. They usually have more sugar and calories than a donut.

      It’s really shocking how many options that are perceived to be healthier actually end up being worse for you. So I’ve gotten really good at making healthy muffins. Because I f**cking love muffins.

      • Anonymous

        LOL. I love this. What kind of muffins do you like? Do you have any healthy muffin recipes to share?

        • emeralds

          Cookie and Kate is my favorite resource for healthy muffin recipes. I make her banana muffins, pumpkin muffins, and apple muffins regularly. (I use half whole wheat flour/half oatmeal instead of her suggested ratio, and always use EVOO instead of coconut oil. For the apple muffins I never have applesauce around so I sub that for extra yogurt. Depending on my mood, I sometimes reduce or halve the maple syrup/honey, or will sub brown sugar if I’m out of the other two.) I also tweak the spices and sub peaches, strawberries, or blueberries into the apple muffin recipe base as is seasonally-appropriate (omitting the shredded apple and adding extra chopped fruit to compensate). I plan to test out her apple/carrot muffins this weekend!

          I often make a batch of muffins over the weekend to have handy for snacks/grab and go breakfasts for the upcoming week.

        • busybee

          I make a muffin with bananas, oats, peanut butter, and applesauce. I don’t recall the exact recipe but there are loads out there. Search “healthy banana peanut butter muffin” and you should find a lot of options. FWIW I don’t care a ton for them but fiance loves them.

      • Anonymous

        I also love my own healthy muffins. And when I’m out, I just go for the donut.

    • Housecounsel

      I *might* have seen Hamilton five times, including four in Chicago. Dress for the weather. I don’t think I saw anyone dressed to the nines. You’ll see everything from jeans and boots to casual dresses. Have fun! I didn’t see the original cast in NYC, but the Chicago shows were better than NYC.

    • Kk

      Smart Casual, and Layers! It’s a little chilly but beautiful in Chicago right now. The theater is old and a little crowded, so you probably wont want to check a coat. I’d pick something I could walk in, and feel stylish in, but also something I could add or remove layers in the tiny squished seats in the theater.
      I’d go with skinny black jeans and heeled booties, a tank, a cardigan, a big scarf, and a leather jacket.

      • Never too many shoes...

        I love that theatre. Saw Book of Mormon there for the first time…and you never forget your first!

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, whatever you want. Don’t remember anything specific, people were pretty casual.

  14. Bank Account Strategy

    Following on to the question above… what is your bank account strategy? We are customers of Schwab. 100% of our cash is with them. Their customer service is amazing and love the free checking/ATMs, but rates completely suck. We’re leaving money on the table.

    We have three checking accounts (joint, and 2 individuals), emergency savings, general non-emergency savings that we intend to invest in mutual funds (though haven’t yet…), and then a number of small savings accounts that we replenish annually for things like vacation fund, emergency pet/vet fund, home improvement fund, a growing account for our infant with no specific purpose as of yet, etc. Balances of those account are probably $1-k each on average. I really like having the smaller savings accounts so I can see the money allocated into each of those categories for budgeting purposes.

    Can we do something similar at another bank, an online-only one maybe, what would give us also the benefit of better interest rates? I’d say most important are to maintain free checking/ATMs and also have multiple savings accounts.. or maybe just one with the ability to subcategorize the larger sum that is in the account. We’re talking about about $200,000 in cash between all of the above mentioned accounts.

      • Anonymous

        Is there a difference between generic/normal savings account and a money market account?

        • Anon

          I don’t think money market accounts are usually protected by FDIC deposit insurance.

    • givemyregards

      I do all of the above (excluding joint checking) in Ally and find it really easy to use – you can quickly set up new accounts, transfer money between them, give them nicknames, etc. etc. all online and their customer service has always been good for me.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I have my two savings accounts at Ally. My primary checking is still at USAA because it always has been and all my bill pay is set up through them. Changing that one would be a serious undertaking. Moving my savings, however, was super easy and I can get the money back to USAA within a day.

    • case

      We have 3 primary accounts – brick & mortar checking that receives my husband’s compensation; Schwab (technically B&M but with few locations near us) checking for my salary; an online-only MM account through American Express that is where much of our emergency funds and specially ear-marked funds (e.g., vacation) live. I’d say keep your checking at schwab and start a MM/high interest savings account to take advantage of ~1.5% interest on the money that’s just sitting there.

    • Walnut

      It sounds like Schwab works well for your liquid cash and your key decision needs to be how much cash do you want to remain liquid and how much do you want to move over to an investment account.

      IMO, interest rates on cash are so low that it’s a generally fruitless task to chase a percent or two. The maintenance of moving money between cash accounts just isn’t worth the hassle.

      • Anonymous

        I disagree! If you have a decent emergency fund in cash a 2% rate IS worth the move. It’s not a hard move. It’s not even hard if you access it monthly/quarterly for something like estimated tax savings.

        I do agree, however, that OP should make sure she’s not holding too much liquid cash. Might be worth running the current status by a financial advisor to his or her take on the situation.

    • Amy H.

      If you won’t need some of your savings for a year (or can stand the penalty for breaking it early), Capital One 360 is offering 2.5% for a 12-month CD.

  15. Brooke

    DH’s father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about a year ago. This was not totally unexpected. Since then, his father has gone downhill quickly– likely due to depression and some other chronic health issues. DH isn’t particularly close to his father but is (understandably) not taking this very well. DH’s family lives in a city a few hours away. As far as we know, his parents have figured out caregiving arrangements, but they have not really shared this news with any of their friends at the request of DH’s father. DH also hasn’t talked with anyone but me about this because he wanted to respect his dad’s wishes.

    DH has decided that he wants kids now. ASAP. He wants his kids to be able to remember his father. I want kids in about a year. I literally just started a new job two months ago and want to be there for about a year before TTC. DH does not really understand why I think this will affect my career (!!) and thinks this is a selfish decision on my part. I agree with him that this is selfish… but I think that this is the type of situation where I’m allowed to be selfish to an extent. Also, frankly, I think DH’s father’s prognosis is worse than he realizes and that he only has a year or so left of “good” years. I see this dispute more as an attempt to cope by DH and think he really needs some sort of professional support re: his father’s illness. DH has been angry and somewhat depressed, and I frankly think that TTC right now is the worst thing we could do. Is this something that we would go to marriage counseling for? Individual counseling? I really think that DH just needs someone to talk through this with that isn’t an “interested party.” I know that I probably need to be involved at some point, so I’m not really sure what I need to be looking for.

    • ...

      Ask him to agree to couples counseling to discuss this and make an intentional decision (much the way couples often go to pre-marital counseling, this is pre-baby counseling). There, a professional can help you both figure out what matters most and how to proceed and it’ll be a neutral person asking your partner how his dad’s illness impacts this goal, etc. instead of you, so his emotional arguments will be at/to that person, not to his partner.

    • Lilliet

      There’s two separate issues here: (1) baby and (2) DH’s father.
      (1) I think you need figure your timing out better. You either want a kid in a year (so you TTC in ~3months) or you want to TTC in a year. If DH wants a kid a ASAP, it’s still about a year wait for him. Take grandpa out of the equation and really think about it.

      (2) As for counseling, yes. I would start individual, but that’s just me. DH is grieving for the future he doesn’t have with the father. But, will DH be open to counseling? If you haven’t broached it with him yet, and decide to, I would leave the baby out of it. It’s separate.

      • mascot

        1) Agree with number one. I understand wanting to be in your job a year before actually having a kid and your husband rationally knows this too if this was something that you talked about. But, there’s never a best time to have a kid – it’s always going to feel a little scary and inconvenient even with ideal circumstances and timing.
        2) So we had similar circumstances and we did speed up our TTC by 6-9 months. My FIL was ill and in/out of hospitals for several years before he died. Our child was 18 months old when he died and while he has no memories of his grandfather, my husband and MIL and I all cherish that FIL did get to see him. And yes, we could have waited a bit longer before TTC, but my husband very much felt that his parents weren’t getting any younger and he wanted to have as long of a grandparent experience for our child as he could. My grandmother also died of Alzheimer’s and I think it took much longer than most of us expected. Our child remembers her a little. I also saw that he brought her joy when he was around (probably any little kid would have done that) and it also meant a lot to my mom and grandfather. All this to say, you husband probably can’t be 100% rational about all of this and it’s ok. But, it’s also possible that he is really ready to become a father now and this was the thing that made him realize he’s ready now rather than later. Therapy can help him process his grief and may give you some more comfort that this isn’t a knee jerk reaction on his part

    • Anon

      You need a relationship counselor – someone you can go to together to express both your concerns, but that will focus on helping your husband cope with his feelings around the issue. Even if you had a kid now, they won’t have any real memory of your husband’s father until at minimum 3 and generally 5. By then, with the progression of the disease as you describe, he won’t remember who they are and much of his personality will be distorted or gone, if he is even still alive. Don’t change your family timeline for a third party, especially for reasons that really won’t pan out. Your husband should focus on spending time with his Dad while he is still lucid, not focusing on starting a family when you’re reluctant at the moment and raising a child will take away a lot of the time he has left with his father as he knows him.

      • Anonymous

        This.

        My grandma died when my kid was 2.5. My kid remembers her because my grandma lived with my mom and both of them saw kid at least 1-2 times a week. My sister’s kid lives a plane flight away and has zero memory of my grandma even though he was six months older.

        Even if you get pregnant immediately (not suggesting AT ALL that you should), if DH’s father passes in the next 3 -4 years, it is very unlikely that your child will remember him. DH is probably really struggling with that.

        Suggest counselling if you think he will go on his own, or go to couples counselling to get him to therapy and have the couples counsellor recommend individual counselling for DH if needed.

      • lawsuited

        Although the child likely remember their grandparent, knowing that a granchild is on the way and meeting the grandchild/spending time with the grandchild will bring the husband’s father a lot of joy. And seeing his father and child together will mean a lot to the husband. Those emotions are not trivial. The husband is not a third party. It is reasonable to give the husband’s strong and complex feelings about this significant weight in decisions about the family timeline.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like he could benefit from some counseling. Even if you TTC right now, it could take years to have a baby. There is no guarantee that baby will remember Grandpa. I have very few memories from before ages 3-4. Also, DH does not get to demand what happens to your body.

    • Anonymous

      First of all, I’m sorry. Hugs to you. The process of watching a decline is so, so hard.

      Since TTC is very clearly a Big Decision Within a Marriage, it makes sense to me that you would start with a marriage or relationship counselor. (Plus, for many people, the idea of marital counseling is more tolerable than individual counseling.) A marital counselor can also talk to him about whether or not they think individual counseling is appropriate and can try to link him up with an appropriate professional or support group. You’re both in a emotionally-supercharged situation, so like you said, it wouldn’t hurt to get an outside perspective when right now your abilities to make Big Decisions may be affected.

      Also, +1 to the comments above saying that you need to consider TTC separately from the grandfather. I mean this gently, but…if the grandfather doesn’t make it, or if he is in an advanced stage by time the kids start to form memories, you may not want to be trying to force the kids to have those memories anyway. The worst cruelty of Alzheimer’s is that it steals away the person away, little by little; the real “person” of the grandfather is already in decline, you said, and that means the kids probably aren’t going to have a real relationship with him anyway. The only memory I have of my grandfather is him in an advanced stage of dementia, rambling on about nonsense that confused me in a hospital that scared me. I think you have to take into consideration the fact that the memories, if any, that the kids have of him may be troubling ones.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, my mother wouldn’t let me visit my grandmother when she was dying of Alzheimer’s. I’m kind of angry about that, but also glad I don’t have those memories.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I am going to just offer my anecdata perspective, OP. Please only take it for YMMV info, I am not telling you this is the right decision for anyone.

      I lost both my father (right before I got married) and my grandmother )who I lived with and who was my favourite person in the world) not long after. I had delayed attempting to conceive because of career, money and wanting to just enjoy being free and coupled up. I had a baby years later which required fertility intervention. It turns out that there is no perfect time to have a child.

      I am tearing up just typing this but if I could go back, I would absolutely have tried for a baby then if only to have seen either of them hold it just for a moment. Your husband seems to be using a baby as displacement for his grief, but I really have some sympathy for him here. Perhaps counselling might help you both work out your feelings in a neutral and judgment-free zone.

      • Anonymous

        I really disagree with this comment. I’m sorry for your losses, but having a child just so a grandparent can meet it is crazy. As others have noted, children have no memories before the age of 3 at the earliest, and it will take them a minimum of almost a year to have a baby. It is extremely unlikely the child would have any memories of a mentally aware grandpa, and it’s very possible that even if OP and her husband conceived today that grandpa would have no understanding that he has a grandchild by the time the birth rolls around.

        Your comment seems to suggest that people may regret waiting for children, but will never regret having them earlier, and I couldn’t disagree more. OP has excellent reasons for delaying children – wanting to get established in a job so you will have goodwill and flexibility when the baby arrives is a VERY good reason. (I think you live in Canada, no? In the US many employees return to work after an 8-12 week maternity leave, and having an employer who is desperate to retain you can make a big difference as far as negotiating a longer leave or work from home options, etc., which can really make a difference.) She is not asking her husband to delay kids indefinitely, she wants a delay of 1 year so she can establish herself in her current position, which is completely reasonable (and is regularly recommended here all the time).

        The bottom line is a child benefits tremendously from having two parents who really feel ready for children. I waited until my mid-late 30s for kids. It means that their grandparents are older and less active and it is statistically unlikely that many or any of them will see my kids’ high school and college graduations. But having kids later was the right decision for me and DH, and the parent-child relationship is much more fundamental and important than the grandparent-child relationship. Having parents in stable jobs who have had time to build a strong marriage and get their selfish desires out of the way first is much more important than having 4 living grandparents.

        • Anon

          +1

          Not to mention, that it takes two people to have a child, and they both get to have feelings about the best time to do so.

          • Of Counsel

            Not to speak for Anonymous above, but I think her point was not that her child will remember the grandparent but rather than SHE will remember introducing them. One of the highlights of my parenting life was taking my infant daughter to see the grandmother she was named after. My Grandmother died shortly thereafter and my daughter does not remember her at all, but the fact that I got to do that was an enormous joy to me.

            Which is not to say that is a reason to have a baby if you are not otherwise ready, but it does have value.

            Also (and this is not directed to the OP), those of us who feel like we waited “too long” for the perfect time and who paid the price for that tend to have a knee jerk reaction to women who want to wait until their job is in the “right” place, or their marriage, or their finances, or their family situation, etc. . . . . The reasons to wait can be endless, which is one of the reason there are so many 40 year-old women who thought they had time and didn’t.

          • Anon

            Yes, I got her point. But just because NTMS, or in this case OP’s husband, has that desire, doesn’t mean it should overrule the partner’s concerns about timing. It’s just not important enough in the grand scheme of deciding to have children.

        • TCFKAG

          I mean, the person was sharing a personal anecdote and specifically said that the OP’s mileage may vary right up in the first post.

          I don’t think she was suggesting that the OP “has” to have kids right now or that’s she’s not a good person for choosing to do so, she was sharing her own experience.

          But, the OP did note that she does want to get pregnant eventually (which even if it happened tomorrow would still have her at her job a good bit of time before taking maternity leave) AND she was asking for people’s advice on this. Just because it’s not the conclusion that you would make.

          And to Too Many Shoes – I always try to think of these things in the frame that regretting something later doesn’t necessarily mean it was the wrong choice. I think there are few black and white choices in life and pregnancy/babies is definitely not one of them. So it’s totally normal to fee conflicted.

          • TCFKAG

            Though I should clarify that I don’t think that a spouse or partner wanting you to have a baby at a given time is a good enough reason to be pressured into having a baby at that time. It’s your body after all. But I can absolutely understand the emotional desire for children to know their grandparents (I grew up with only one grandparent when I was born).

            Is that enough of a reason, the grandparent thing? I don’t know. Everyone’s priorities are different. I just don’t think its an unreasonable factor to consider.

          • Anonymous

            I see your point, but the anecdotes about this are all “I regret not having kids earlier” because it’s just not socially acceptable to say “I had kids too soon and wish I’d had more time for myself first.” So the sample gets a little skewed. I’m sharing my anecdote that I had them quite late and have no regrets, even if it means they won’t remember my parents or in-laws well. I don’t think it’s smart to advise a woman to have kids when she doesn’t feel ready just because her FIL has a terminal illness. The people who should be driving this decision are the parents to be, not anyone else.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t know about that. Parents complaining about having had kids too early seems to be socially acceptable in my society, because I’ve heard it over and over. But when people start to decline, sometimes you just realize that life is really short and unpredictable, and maybe now is the chance you were given, perfect or not.

      • Anonymous

        Hugs – I also regret not having kids a few years earlier as my parents health has really deteriorated to the point that my kids will not remember them as active people.

        I had very close relationships with my grandparents. I wish I could have given my kids that, regardless of the career cost for me. Not saying that’s a choice that OP should make, but I can understand her DH’s headspace.

        • OP

          We’re both around 30, and I would be one of the first of my friends to have kids. This isn’t really a matter of trying to get to a “perfect” place in life and waiting until I’m 40 to have kids… It’s more a matter of wanting to be at a job for a year, and several friends and I had all kind of made a pact to start TTC at the end of next year. To DH, these don’t sound like serious reasons, but to me, having a support system of other friends that are TTC, pregnant, and having kids at the same time is really important.

          • Anon

            Having kids when your friends have kids is a fools errand. It won’t work out. Fertility is complicated like that.

            Job reason = legit.

            Friend reason not so much.

          • Anon

            I would not make the pact with your friends a factor at all. The fact is that some people get pregnant immediately, some people take years to conceive, and some people lose pregnancies and/or even babies along the way. Some people never do get pregnant. I don’t mean to be negative or scare you, but this is just reality. Trying to time your kids to be the same age as your friends’ kids is just not realistic, especially in your 30s.

            It’s also pretty likely to end up negatively impacting your friendship; it’s impossible to describe how crushing fertility and pregnancy loss issues are until you’ve been there.

            I’m not saying you should have a kid now, only that this decision should be between you and your husband, not based on your friends’ planned timelines.

    • Anonymous

      So hard. DH should be focused on spending as. I’ve fine as possible with his parents. Will that really be possible once there’s a newborn and his wife is making him change diapers, use leave time to be home or at dr appointments, and getting annoyed that he’s flying to his parents’ for the weekend leaving her with the baby?

    • Anon

      I wonder if your husband wants a baby because its something he can “control” in this situation. He can’t fix his dad’s illness but he can give his dad a grandchild!

      I would get in counseling and point out that even if you got pregnant tomorrow:
      1) that the child won’t have memories of this person
      2) that the time your husband will be spending with his newborn child is probably time he should be spending with his dad as his dad declines. Because new babies take a lot of time and sick parents also take a lot of time and thats a going to be a lot to juggle.
      3) depending on the dad’s decline he might not have memories of the child either

      I would focus on trying to get your husband to spend as much time with both his parents as he can now. It sounds like both of you have a lot to process and talk about and therapy is a perfect situation for that. Its also possible that he sees himself in his dad and worries that life is going by too fast.

    • Decisions

      Just want to weigh in because I am in a position similar to your husband. My only living parent has Alzheimer’s, and it has definitely put pressure on timelines in my life. My now husband is slower moving, and we’ve had to balance that, but it’s not without pain.

      I was ready to get married several years before we ultimately did, and while my parent was able to attend and enjoy my wedding, it would have been a more meaningful participation had we gotten married earlier. I’m fine with how we ended up, but before we got engaged, it was very painful that he couldn’t sacrifice his lack of urgency for my desire to have a parent more involved in our wedding.

      Now we’re trying for kids – again, all things being equal, I would have had us get married earlier and start trying for kids earlier, which might have meant my parent could have had some somewhat knowing interaction with my child. Coulda woulda shoulda… We’ve now been trying for nearly two years with no traction, and even if I had a kid today, my parent would likely not have any interest in looking at or holding the child. A year ago, it would have been at least a little different, two years even more.

      While it sucks a ton that my children, if I’m lucky enough to have them, will never truly know any parents on my side, even if they’re lucky enough to have them, I agree with you and others above that your marriage and partnership must come first. For us, that meant not changing our timelines and me waiting until my husband was ready for each step, but I can imagine other situations where we might speed things up due to this outside force. Whatever you decide, Alzheimer’s and related diseases are incredibly unpredictable, and people with Alzheimer’s in particular can live for a long time, though the level of interaction and awareness diminishes. A year may not make a difference, and you may not conceive on the timeline you’d like.

      TLDR: it’s hard and complicated to factor in Alzheimer’s with your life plans, but you can’t control that timeline or progression…so you’ve got to do what’s right for your partnership, whether that’s speeding up timelines, staying the course, or something in between. If you can’t figure it out between the two of you, hopefully counseling will help.

    • Leah

      You are 100% right that your husband needs to talk this out with a third party, but he also needs to dig deeper into his dad’s diagnosis. He needs a much more detailed understanding of what exactly his dad’s health situation is, what stage of decline he is in, and what the near future will look like.

      Doing this should help him to consider the practicalities of this disease with a small child. People with Alzheimers quickly become unsteady on their feet. A scooting/crawling baby or a wobbly toddler underfoot is a recipe for disaster. And what happens when the violent stage starts? I couldn’t visit my FIL unsupervised for over a year because he would lash out, punching and kicking while screaming obscenities. You don’t want a child around that.

    • Anon

      “and thinks this is a selfish decision on my part. I agree with him that this is selfish… but I think that this is the type of situation where I’m allowed to be selfish to an extent.”

      Here’s your script: “DH, I love you and want what’s best for our family. You need to want that too, and right now, you’re not. Having a baby is a mutual decision. It’s also not one that is made emotionally. This will take a huge amount out of me physically, psychologically, and emotionally. Once the baby is born, we will be overwhelmed, as all new parents are. You seem to think that we have unprotected sex and then a squishy baby comes along nine months later, and I get a three-month vacation from work. I understand that you’re hurting, but you need to think rationally. You need to appreciate the massive strain that a new baby puts on the best of marriages. Until you get your head out of the clouds, this conversation is closed.”

      Oh, speaking of work, what’s your husband’s brilliant plan for your maternity leave? Will you even be covered by FMLA when the baby is born?

      • Delta Dawn

        You probably know this, but you have to be at your job for a year for even the very minimum protection afforded by FMLA. Does your company have maternity leave, and do you have to work there a certain length of time before you get it? Lastly, “DH does not really understand why I think this will affect my career” is a very hugely incredibly majorly concerning statement. I can’t express enough how much of a problem that is. I know your actual, main problem is TTC timeline as compared to Alzheimer’s timeline. But if DH isn’t listening to you now, when you’re just expressing concern about the potential effect on your career, he is not going to listen to you later when you are telling him that it IS affecting your career.

        • Anon

          Delta, yeah, that was my (perhaps opaque) point about FMLA.

          All of the appointments, first-trimester exhaustion, etc., will also affect the OP’s career. She needs to build up goodwill before having a baby.

          I am also concerned because in a marriage, each spouse should care about the career of the other, because each person’s career affects the household’s income and livelihood. It is crazy on steroids to dismiss one spouse’s career concerns like this.

        • OP

          I’m at a small firm, so there is no formal maternity leave policy. We are not covered by FMLA. I did talk to them about maternity leave before taking the position, and they said that in the past they had given the person “however much time they needed.” I have no reason to doubt that they would do that for me, but everyone here who has had a kid has been here at least a year before TTC.

          • Anon

            To be fair, you probably have no idea how long they’d been there before TTC – only how long before they actually were pregnant. Big difference.

    • Anon

      It seems like both you and your husband don’t really know what is going on with dad. You said: “As far as we know, his parents have figured out caregiving arrangements” . I think you need to 100% know what the plan is. Know what the doctor’s reports say. Way before the kid convo happens you need to have some frank open conversations with his parents. You need to visit in person and see what’s really going on.

      And you need to ask them to be able to share this with some of your husband’s community. Your husband will need some support in the long term. It will be good for him to hear about other friends who have gone through this.

      Lastly, Alzheimer’s can totally switch people’s personalties. My friend’s grandfather during a dinner in their retirement community stood up and accused his wife of cheating on him with an Indian Prince and gave a tell all story of the incident and refused to allow his wife of 40 years to be in his sight screaming at her obscenities. 2 hours later he had forgotten the whole thing. You never know what this will do to your FIL but it might not be something your kid wants memories of.

      • Anonymous

        +1. It is unfortunately entirely possible that his mom won’t be able to take care of him in the near term. Do they have the financial resources for that? ($100-200k per year in my area) Could you all be tapped to help with that? It can be enormously life changing.

    • anon for this

      My husband and I each had a parent with a serious illness when we married. My dad died recently. I treasure that my preschooler got to know my dad and remembers him (toddler doesn’t remember). I write the following in the hope that it’ll help you as you discuss the timing matter with your husband.

      It was so incredibly hard to have young kids while managing care for my dad (just managing—teams of professionals were doing the hands on care). You might talk with your husband about how he plans to help his dad and parent.

      Particularly difficult situations:
      -dad (most easygoing, nicest person most people have ever met) calling with irrational demands and anger while I was out with kids (disease caused brain issues and necessary medication made it worse)
      -doctor calling needing to talk asap while I was trying order dinner in a restaurant solo with kids (because I didn’t have time/energy to make dinner)
      -talking to family and friends all day to divine my dad’s wishes after a steep decline, talking with doc to order dnr, and then having to rush to daycare because it was about to close. Couldn’t show up crying/unhappy because I’d alarm my kids, who wouldn’t understand
      -dealing with family who became terrible in the final months
      -having to triage needs: spending time with dying dad or kids. Like a battlefield doc, I focused on being physically with the kids, since they’d live and needed me more. I spent a ton of time on the phone with dad/his caregivers and medical team. But, it sucks a ton that I had to have a hospice nurse put a phone to his ear to talk with him the last time before he passed.

    • lawsuited

      So, it is ultimately your body and your choice if, how and when to have children. That said, you are your husband’s only chance for children and I presume you want to raise any children you have together, so the if, how and when actually needs to work for both of you.

      First, I think if one partner feels really, really strongly about any aspect of having or raising children and the other partner is on the fence, you go with the person who feels really, really strongly.

      Second, it’s impossible for me or your DH to express to you how powerful the feeling of wanting your parents (or parent proxies) to meet your children is. I have grandparents who were like parents to me, and my husband and I got married and had children sooner than we otherwise would have so that my grandparents would witness it. My husband lost a grandparent this year about a month before we found out we were pregnant with our daughter, and he has cried a few times because that grandparent won’t know our daughter. That’s not even a parent, but a grandparent, but the feeling of regret that she didn’t share in that moment is huge.

      Third, there is no good time in your career to be pregnant, take maternity leave, or be a working mom. I think it’s prudent to be sure you’ll qualify for maternity leave benefits, etc. but beyond that, don’t bother waiting for the perfect time because there’s no such thing.

  16. Anonymous

    I’m curious what you all think about a particular relationship fight pattern that I’ve seen with myself and some girlfriends. It basically goes like this – boy is acting distant/upset/angry, girl asks what’s wrong, he says “nothing” and continues acting off, she eventually gets frustrated and says something like, why are you even here if you just want to sulk in a corner all night maybe we should hang out another time, he leaves, she’s upset, he says you can’t be upset at me for leaving when you told me to leave.

    Add to that – the next day, when calmer heads should prevail, the boy doubles down and insists he’s in the right. Girl ends up having to apologize first, then boy finally apologizes, and everything is… ok?

    I have a really hard time understanding why the woman is in the wrong here. I’m so over women being expected to coddle petulant manchildren. A friend just went through this with a new guy and I think I’m more mad about it secondhand than I was when I dealt with this nonsense myself. But apparently I’m the only one in friend’s life telling her to DTMFA; everyone else is telling her she pushed him away, he was just stressed, poor manchild you need to manage his emotions. Blech. But maybe this is why I’m single. So I’m curious – what do you all think?

    • Anonymous

      This isn’t a pattern I would indulge in my life. These aren’t relationships that will work.

    • emeralds

      From someone who is marrying a man on the stoic and non-confrontational side of the emotional spectrum…hard pass. Sometimes my SO needs some quiet time and space to process things before he’s ready to talk about them. That’s okay! Because he will continue to treat me with respect in the interim.

      Giving someone the silent treatment isn’t okay for eight year olds; it certainly isn’t appropriate for adults who allegedly care about each other.

    • Anonymous

      While this is hard, assuming you think a guy is worth the investment, I think the most effective way to deal with this scenario is to allow him to be distant/upset/angry. If he doesn’t want to admit it or discuss it when you ask if something is wrong, fine, ignore it and stop trying to fix it or correct his emotions. I guess this doesn’t make sense if this is someone new, but if you are in a long term relationship, you have to leave room for people to be in bad moods. And if women constantly decide to pursue men who are being distant/withdrawn, men ever have to learn to say what is on their mind or what they need, and women end up getting their desire for emotional connection met through conflict rather than something more satisfying.

    • ...

      A person who behaves this way never changes unless they choose to. I’ve stayed for too long, too many times. I’d encourage my friends to explain why this behavior is unacceptable and to walk. If dude cares enough, he’ll find a more appropriate way to handle arguments than to act like a spoiled child. If not, she’s better off.

      • oil in houston

        I’d counter to that, that you also need to be mature enough to give people space when they need it… and being in a lasting relationship does mean at times giving space whilst being physically together…

    • Dater

      Yup– I was in a marriage with this pattern for over a decade, and it sucked. I’ll never be with a man who can’t deal with his emotions like this again.

      I would even talk to him when we weren’t mad about how I felt like I always had to be the one to apologize, and maybe he could make more of an effort at conflict resolution even if he didn’t feel like he was wrong because I sure put my feelings on the back burner to keep the peace often. Sure, I bear responsibility for my behavior as a peacemaker as well.

      He also expected me to manage his emotions in other ways–for example, by pouting forever when I would go hang out with friends (which I was not doing excessively) because he was bored/lonely/whatever and couldn’t entertain himself.

      I’m single now and still have to remind myself constantly that it’s not my job to fix or otherwise take responsibility for men’s emotions. I think it’s such an easy role for women to fall into, especially those of us who were raised to be the peacemakers or make sure that everyone is happy all the time. I assume there are men out there who can manage their own emotions, but I’m definitely having a hard time finding that.

    • anon

      The only thing I have seen that eliminates this behavior is to COMPLETELY disengage. If someone is sulking and says nothing is wrong, leave him alone and by all means, let him leave. Find something else to do. Do not reach out again or start a fight. Let him do it. One of two things will happen: the relationship fades or better behavior will prevail.

      This all sounds like some attention-getting mechanism for which the men have no real downside.

      • Anon

        +2. This is attention-getting behavior. Men have learned that this usually works, and unfortunately there are way too many guys out there who have learned this behavior (and know they’ll find a woman who has learned the coddling side of it). All you can do is JSFAMO and resolve yourself not to repeat the pattern in any future generations you have a hand in raising.

        The way to fix it is ONCE, do the disengage thing mentioned above. “You said nothing is wrong, but you’re not fun to hang out with right now. Either suck it up and watch this show with me in a good mood, or go home. I don’t want to spend my evening watching you pout.”

    • Anonymous

      It’s a power play with a little gaslighting on the side. Depending on the details, there could be some passive-agression going on. Depending on his history, I might worry this is early grooming for an abusive relationship, especially blaming her and making her apologize first followed by a honeymoon period. This is beyond petulant manchild. I agree with you! Tell her she deserves better!

    • Leah

      Both sides need to communicate better. My relationship had this dynamic, but with the genders reversed.

      I needed to learn to say “I’m stewing over an argument at work, I don’t want to say more because it will rile me up again, and I’m not mad at you. Give me an hour to sulk and then we can make dinner.” My husband needed to learn to be okay with that, instead of picking at the wound until I exploded.

      • Anonymous

        This is basically exactly me and DH. Sometimes I need space at the end of a frustrating day at work. He’s learned to leave me alone to decompress and come back to spend time together when I’m in a better headspace.

        But I have a responsibility to articulate what I need as well. Not just sulk in a corner with no expectations communicated.

      • Never too many shoes...

        This is us as well, although I am the “picker” rather than the “pickee”.

      • OP

        So here’s my thing. As someone mentioned above, it’s different when you’re married/living together. Yes, each person should be able to come home – their OWN home – and not have someone immediately all up in their business because they’re not rainbows and starshine 24/7.

        That’s not the case when you don’t live together. He has his own space! He CHOSE to come over to her place! You don’t come into someone else’s space and rain all over their parade (or invite someone into your home and then be a terrible host). He had options – 1) suck it up for an hour so you don’t ruin your date, 2) cancel, or 3) COMMUNICATE! tell her you’re in a terrible mood can we please watch a movie and not talk and if that’s not cool I’ll make it up to you tomorrow.

        And as an aside, I’m pretty sure that all my friend’s friends who are telling her – he was just sad don’t bug him – are all married. I swear, married people give some of the worst relationship advice.

        • Anonymous

          At a certain point relationships transition from ‘cute outfit/great mood/specific plans’ dating to just regularly spending time together and supporting each other through ups and downs.

          That doesn’t mean there’s an excuse for rudeness or anger. But wanting to be around your partner and relax and watch a movie, not specifically be ‘on’ and chatting with them, is a common way to spend time together. I like hanging out with my DH even if you are just reading on opposite ends of the sofa and I don’t want to actually talk to anyone for a couple hours.

          • Anon

            It doesn’t sound like they’re at that point yet, though? I agree with OP here. Early on in the relationship, if you’ve made plans for a date and then show up and just sulk the whole time, that’s not cool. Cancel if you really have to, but what you should really do is suck it up and be a good date for the evening. I do agree with you about once a couple has been together longer.

          • Worry about yourself

            Yeah that’s kinda the thing, this is a new relationship, you should be putting your best foot forward since your partner doesn’t have a lot of data points on you yet. If I was dating someone new and he felt like he was incapable of putting on a happy face and providing pleasant company, I’d rather he just stay home, I’d rather sub in a friend, fly solo, or have a night in if he’s gonna be Mr. Grumpybutt the whole time.

        • anon

          If you don’t want advice, don’t ask for it. Sometimes when you get advice it will be from people in different situations than what you have described. Like, gasp, married people. There’s no need to complain that “married people give some of the worst relationship advice.” That’s rude.

          • Anon

            You should take your own advice. Just because you don’t like hearing something doesn’t make it rude. I swear to god, the people around here . . .

    • Anon

      Having been in a long term relationships with a manchild, I’d so much rather be single!

    • Worry about yourself

      “he leaves, she’s upset, he says you can’t be upset at me for leaving when you told me to leave.”

      Maybe I’m getting caught up on a petty detail here, but is she upset that he left when she suggested he go home, or is she upset because of his unpleasant, sulky behavior that kinda wrecked her evening, and him leaving prevented it from getting worse but the damage was already done?

      This could be a one-off, where he’s having an extra bad time and really does need space and it has nothing to do with your friend or the relationship, or this could turn out to be a toxic pattern in the relationship, or a pattern that’s not toxic but nevertheless a pattern your friend won’t want to put up with, and she shouldn’t have to! This may not be the guy for her if his behavior is wreaking havoc on her brain.

      • Anon

        Responding to this and playing devil’s advocate a bit: I have been in the position of having a BF suggest I leave. I left and then he got in a twist because I left. You can’t have it both ways. You cannot both say “I don’t want to hang out with you because you are in a bad mood” AND “I am upset that you left.”

        In that situation, I would just tell him that when he needs to be alone it is OK to cancel our previous plans (but be sure you mean it) but I really do not want to deal with him in that kind of mood. Once you have had that conversation, by all means be angry when he shows up in a terrible mood. Caveat here to be sure you actually mean it. If what you want is for him to put on a happy face when he is not happy and not subject you to his moods, that is a different conversation.

        But hey – I’m married so maybe my advice is terrible!

        • Worry about yourself

          Woah hey now, I’m not the one saying married people give bad advice! I also suggested that maybe the person saying “if you’re gonna be like that you should leave” isn’t necessarily upset that the person actually left, but more unhappy that their partner was sulking and being grumpy in the first place, and that it came to a point where they had to go home early. Like, the damage was done, even if the grumpy partner’s leaving kept things from getting worse.

          That said, maybe the non-grumpy partner was hoping that the one sulking would have some interest in fixing things, realizing “oh, my crankiness is showing more than I thought” and either try to perk up or take the opportunity to talk about what’s bothering them, so the night can get back on track. But if that’s the outcome one is hoping for, that needs to be communicated – you don’t suggest one thing and hope for something else.

    • TCFKAG

      I mean, sometimes if my husband has been quiet about, I’ll sort of prompt him about what’s up and it’s always something random or nothing at all (there is an e-comic about this that he likes to send me).

      So I feel like there are two issues here: (1) Communication – in the absence of clear communication, your friends may (or may not) be making a mountain out of a molehill by imagining the WORST thing the BF is thinking or feeling. This should be a topic of conversation *outside* of the actual argument. I found that just talking to my DH about how it made me anxious means that he’s now at least more patient with the line of questioning (but seriously don’t have this convo in the middle of a fight, it doesn’t improve anything). If this is someone she’s committed to long term, you might suggest she reads the Five Languages of Love or the Happiness Project – both talk about how to improve communication and focus on the things the spouse does that communicate love other than just saying it out loud.

      (2) Conflict Avoidance (?) – Having trouble finding a header for part two but (if the woman even wants to stay with the guy) then they need to figure out what expectations are. I would maybe try to fall back on earlier dating habits of setting “dates” with activities that make them interact. And if they live together, maybe they could schedule two or three days a week where they make dinner together and watch tv for awhile. Just something easy.

      All of that is to say that I am not in this relationship and can’t judge how bad things are. But if your friend comes to you for advice, be supportive even if you’re incredibly frustrated. Because the more isolated from “normal” friends and family, the worse things could get. Sorry to your friends though. Ugh.

  17. Anonymous

    Advice in dealing with lower back pain? I’ve been working a ton of hours lately (sitting – I don’t have a standing desk and my firm won’t provide one). That also means I’m missing my normal yoga and running because there’s not enough hours in the day. What do you do for your back when you’re stuck in a chair for 15+ hours a day?

    • anon a mouse

      Foam roller, massage, lots of stretching.

      How is your posture at your desk? Check your ergonomics. Back should be straight and elbows at right angles.

      If heat helps, you could look into those patches that you stick on your lower back while you are working.

    • Anon

      Can you provide your own standing lift (like a Varidesk)? The cost is worth it to save your back and decreases the amount you sit.

      For me, other than standing desk, a lumbar roll really helped me out, as well as properly adjusting my seat and getting foot support (lifts the feet a few inches so that your knees are parallel with your hips).

      Also, a lot of large companies have ergonomic consultants or services, see if someone can come in to give you an assessment.

      • Anon

        Just on the standing desk… depending on your office setup it could be weird.

        At the last office I worked in, we had standard height cubes, where you didn’t see anyone’s head when they were sitting.

        One woman in my office had an ergo evaluation and they recommended a standing desk. So the company bought her some contraption that brought her monitor and keyboard up to a standing position

        But when she worked standing, her head and monitor were well above the cubicle walls, and everyone in the cubes around her felt like she was peering down into their cubes. She felt weird too because she ended up making eye contact with everyone walking around or sitting near her all day long. And depending on how she positioned her screen, it was visible to the entire office.

        She actually ended up leaving for a work from home job.

        I don’t have great advice for the back pain other than taking regular breaks. When I’m busy like you are right now, I tend to skimp on the breaks because I’m already there for so long. But it’s so important to get up and move a bit. Is there a place where you can walk a little distance? Like maybe half a mile? That would help so much, plus it would get you a little natural light, which may be important to your mood.

    • Coach Laura

      I do seated yoga and some standing poses, either by my desk, behind a closed office door or I go into an unused conference room or stairwell for 5 minutes. Depending on your office, you might be able to do them without anyone noticing. I do a seated twist, shoulder stretch, seated pigeon, seated back bend, seated cat/cow, Namaste/wrist stretches and a modified downward dog using edge of desk for hands instead of the floor. These help me so much and just doing them lowers my stress and frees my back from tenseness. Even if you work 15 hours a day, you can get some stretches in.

      Also, set a pomodoro or other timer for 30 minutes. Stand up every 30 minutes, walk a few paces, get some coffee/tea/water. I also wear a headphone for longer calls and pace around my office while talking. That also keeps my hands free and stops me from holding the phone with my shoulder.

    • Anon

      – Walking – can you take some of your meetings walking or be on the phone while walking? Can you walk during lunch?
      – Standing
      – Can you get a ball chair to sit on?
      – PT
      – rolling out with foam rollers, lacrosse balls, soft balls, etc every morning and night
      – stretching every morning or night
      – yoga
      – heat packs

      Honestly the only thing that keeps my back working is yoga 2 times a week, PT twice a week, exercise (weight lifting) twice a week, stretching rolling every morning and night and 10,000+ steps a day …which seems like a ton and is a ton but its worth it so I keep being able to move.

    • Anon Back Pain

      In that situation, I got a note from my doctor that I have a (work-related) back problem and require a standing desk as a reasonable accommodation for my disability and gave it to HR. I also made a passive aggressive comment about how I was sorry about this, but it would be cheaper than my inevitable worker’s compensation claim. And then I sent an email documenting both my work-related back problem and my need for the accommodation.

    • EM84

      Doing a set of yoga exercises every morning helped me a lot. I do downward dog several times and really stretch my lower back in that position. Then I do a few seated rotations. All takes less than 10mins. I feel difference on days when I do vs skip on my routine.

    • Anonymous

      Get a good chair. Get up and move every hour — go get coffee at a remote machine or take the long way around the floor. Park my car as far away from the elevator as possible. A short walk outside in the afternoon to get coffee. Don’t carry heavy stuff like boxes, call facilities. Good luck!

  18. Anon

    After how many dates do you think an in-person conversation (vs text) is warranted to end it? Having a debate with friends about this.

    • ...

      3 if it’s been pleasant enough and person has asked for a 4th date, in person if there has been at least one date post-gardening. That’s to assume safety isn’t an issue. If it might be, then zero. There is never a need to put one’s self at risk out of an attempt to be polite. :)

    • BabyAssociate

      I’d say that after 4 or 5 dates it merits a conversation (on the phone or in person). If I’m the one being broken up with, I far prefer a phone call rather than in person conversation, so that’s what I usually do.

    • Dater

      I think it’s 4 or 5 dates, especially if gardening has been involved. The thing I struggle with is arranging a date that the person might be looking forward to just to break it off. Though the only time I’ve had to do this, the man realized something was up and kept texting me questions to the point that I ended up doing it via text.

    • anon dater

      I am surprised by these responses. I have literally never talked on the phone with anyone I’ve dated, at least not in the early stages. Am I an outlier? It’s all text, all the time.

      Those of you who end things on the phone or in person, do you say “We need to talk?” Do you suggest an actual date and then break up with them on the date? I would feel weird saying, “let’s get a coffee; we need to talk” just to do it in person…

      • Anonymous

        I’m guessing this is partly an age thing and partly a cultural thing. People my age text, not call, unless they are a little preppy/culturally conservative/old fashioned in other ways (e.g., waking up in the morning and reading a print newspaper).

        • Anon

          Ha! I love reading the print newspaper in the morning, but I am 100% a texter :)

          • Anonymous

            Fair enough :) I was trying to think of the kind of civilized thing my friends who make actual phone calls have in common.

    • Anon

      After the 2nd date, I think some communication is necessary. But text is fine if that is how you have been communicating.

      After the 4th date or after gardening, I think it should be done in person or on the phone. But I could live with text if it at least meant that something was said, vs. leaving me hanging.

  19. weddingringquestion

    Longtime lurker but first time poster. I have a problem that I suspect the Hive will have some useful advice for.

    My fiance proposed in September 2016 and gave me a beautiful engagement ring. Its band is made of white gold and has several diamonds on top. We added a white gold wedding band in spring 2017. I wore the ring and the band basically nonstop (nearly 24/7 aside from showers, hair care, etc.) until earlier this summer (2018). Over the summer, my wedding ring finger starting to show signs of irritation. It was variously red, itchy, scaly, and bumpy. Removing the wedding ring seems to help, suggesting that it is something about the ring causing the irritation. I’ve tried several different lotions and wearing the ring less, but nothing really seems to provide a permanent fix. Each time I wear the ring, I develop irritation. Does anyone know any hacks or recommendations that could fix this? I love the ring and don’t want to forgo wearing it forever! Help!

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like a metal allergy. I thought white gold jewelry has to be redipped every so often? If you didn’t have a problem when you first started wearing it, but you do now, then it might be time.

      • lawsuited

        +1 This started happening to me with my white gold wedding band (although I’d been wearing it for 8 years, not 2). The ring was also looking slightly tarnished, as in yellow, so I assumed the 2 things were related and had it redipped which resolved the issue.

    • Anon

      I would see a dermatologist about the irritation and also I have heard that coating the inside of your ring with clear nail polish helps.

    • Anonymous

      This sounds like contact dermatitis to me. I get this with any earrings that are less than 24k gold – even gold alloys do it. Is there a way to plate the ring with 24k gold or platinum?

    • Anonymous

      Something similar happens to me every so often. My platinum wedding band has diamonds all the way around, which means it has holes too. Water gets in the holes and (ick) doesn’t dry out and can cause irritation. I have to stop wearing for a couple weeks, clean and completely dry out the ring, let my finger completely heal, then it’s fine. Happened about 4x over 11 years (and usually in winter when my hands are really dry). If you take them off when your hands are wet, that may help.

    • Kk

      This happens to me too. I’ve stopped wearing my rings at night or when I’m in the shower, and I’m careful to thoroughly dry my hands carefully when they get wet when I’m swearing my rings. You’re probably just trapping water under there- it has happened whether I’m wearing white gold, platinum, or silicone rings. If it’s badly cracked and painful right now, put on a little neosporin and give yourself a week or so to let it heal. At the first sign of more irritation, add neosporin, take off your rings to sleep, and just be more careful about keeping the skin dry.

    • mascot

      I’ve got eczema on my left hand, including my ring finger. The eczema pre-dates my wedding set, fwiw, but it sounds like the same symptoms you have. OTC cortisone creams help break-outs and if it gets really bad, I can get a prescription option. I also sleep without my rings and make sure both the rings and finger are dry after washing my hands and regularly apply a thick hand salve to protect them. Acidic foods and cleaning products will absolutely trigger a flare so I use gloves when cutting up tomatoes for cooking and washing dishes/using cleaners. I also clean my rings regularly.

      • +1

        I second OTC cortizone cream and making sure the rings and your finger are completely dry.

      • Torin

        +1 I sometimes get eczema on my fingers, which has nothing to do with rings. It used to happen before I wore a wedding ring and it happens occasionally still, with about the same frequency. If it’s bothering me I quit wearing the rings for a few days and use lots of cortisone cream and it goes away again. FWIW though I also get it other random places–shin, ribs, forearm–so that’s how I know it’s eczema.

    • ...

      Dermatologist visit can solve this problem, maybe it’s a skin thing, maybe it’s sweat or lotion trapped under the band, maybe the ring needs to be coated in something… derm first, then maybe to a jeweler!

    • Anonymous

      Might be an allergy. Try clear nail polish on the part that touches your skin? Also make sure that soap, lotion, residue is washing off completely. You might also consider having it plated with something else more pure, in case it is an allergy? Though that could be an expensive trial fix..

    • Anon

      Your white gold ring’s rhodium plating has worn off. You need to get it re-dipped. You’re probably allergic to the metal mixed with the gold, which is common – the rhodium plating protects your skin from contact and restores the color to bright and shiny. My ring gets visibly more yellow after a year so getting it redipped is a yearly chore.

      • Anon

        +1. My skin eats the coating so I have to have it re-dipped every 9 months or so. It’s a pain but worth it to keep the ring looks nice and keep myself from getting irritated from the alloy.

        You can do this at any jeweler – I’ve even done it at a mall jeweler once when I was on vacation.

    • Anon

      I think you are getting water trapped under the bands when you wash your hands and you have a bit of a fungal infection. Try some over the counter anti fungal medication like lotrimin for a few days and see it it helps. Don’t wear any rings until it’s cleared up. Then clean your rings thoroughly and wear one ring at a time for a while and see how it goes.

      I am prone to this, particularly when wearing two rings, because not only do the rings trap water next to my skin, but the two rings also trap water between them. When I wash my hands, I do it with my rings on, but then I move them to the first joint of my thumbs for a while until both the rings and skin are dry. I also carry hand lotion in a little tube in my bag, and have some at work I my drawer. I tend to reapply with my rings off every time I wash my hands, after they are thoroughly dry.

      I hope this helps.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Sounds like a metal allergy. Do the rings have a plating that has worn off?

    • nutella

      Sounds like you may have a nickel allergy, which is sometimes used in white gold jewelry. I would see if you can get the ring re-set in platinum or 24-k yellow gold.

    • Suggestion

      That sounds similar to a problem I had with a ring of mine- After wearing it for a while without a problem, I think moisture getting caught under it started to bother me. Now, before putting on the ring in the morning, I apply some cocoa butter (specifically Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula). The skin under the ring is no longer dry/scaly, and my hand smells delicious!

  20. Leatty

    Any thoughts on what Montreal would be like at Christmas/New Years? DH and I want to take a child-free trip between Christmas and New Years, and there are inexpensive direct flights to Montreal that seem to fit the bill. We live in Florida, so we are definitely interested in experiencing some winter weather. We considered Breckenridge, but it is so much more expensive at that time year. If we went to Montreal, we’d probably spend a couple of days in Montreal and a couple of days at a nearby ski resort (Bromont?).

    • oil in houston

      snowy and beautiful :) you could also take a quick trip to Quebec City if you had a day or 2, it can be a very romantic city

    • cbackson

      I went to Montreal for New Years about 10 years ago. It was lovely, but VERY cold and it absolutely bucketed snow – it snowed 10 inches during the 3 days we were there. There wasn’t a ton of standard indoor tourist stuff to do (like, I think most museums were closed while we were there), and walking around the city was pretty miserably cold because my “winter clothes” weren’t up to it. We did, however, have a great time doing outdoor sports activities (we did have good winter sports clothes, just not good causal clothes for non-sporting tourism) – there was sledding and ice skating in city parks, and we went cross-country skiing in a national park that was about 90 minutes from the city and that was lovely (the highlight of our trip). Both ski and car rental were easy.

    • Equestrian Attorney

      I’m in Montreal. Fair warning – it might be really, really cold. Other than that, we have snow and Christmas decor and mulled wine aplenty. For skiing, I like Sutton (nicer ski hill than Bromont in my opinion, but you can stay in Bromont if you like the area – it’s not that far). Tremblant is also popular and cute in a slightly Disney-ish way. If you stay in Bromont, I recommend trying Balnea spa – going to Nordic spas in the winter is quintessential Quebec and really fun (stick to the hot tub/sauna and bring a hat). I like Auberge & Spa West Brome if you want to go to Sutton – they have a glassed-in indoor pool, outdoor hot tub, nice restaurant & spa.

    • Anonymous

      Montreal will be lovely but cold. Mont Tremblant (provincial park and ski resort) is great but it will be packed between Christmas and New Year’s. If you do go to MT, I like the Fairmont property there as the outdoor pool is open year round and it’s slopeside.

    • Anonymous

      Hello, Canadian here. It will be lovely, there are lots of good restaurants and bars and shopping, but very cold. You will probably be shocked at the cold coming from Florida. It could also be very snowy depending on the weather, so be prepared with waterproof boots and down coats. Protip: don’t use an umbrella when it’s snowing, everyone will know you’re not Canadian!

    • BB

      Nothing useful to add, but this is also our in-between Xmas and New Year’s plan! :) We’ve been to Quebec several times in the winter though, so agree that it’ll be very fun and very cold…hopefully not as cold as the crazy cold last year though!

  21. NYC Traveler

    I’m going to NYC December 20-24 to get a glimpse of Christmas in the city! I’ll be a solo traveler this time. I’ve been to NYC before but never alone. And actually, never been to any of the museums when I’ve been there! Any recommendations? I’m staying in Harlem around Apollo Theatre. I’m in my mid-20s, single, love food and drink, and would like to spend most of the days and nights outside of my Air BNB exploring. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Department store window displays (Barneys, Bergdorf Goodman, Bloomingdales, Macys, Lord & Taylor). Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Ice skating at Bryant Park. Holiday market at Union Square.

    • Anonymous

      The Met and the MOMA are the standard must-see museums if you love art. I love the MOMA especially.

    • Anonymous

      Rockefeller Center and the sidewalks outside the department stores on Fifth Avenue will be unbelievably crowded at that time – like, shuffling shoulder to shoulder, packed subway car-level crowded. It makes me claustrophobic but my parents love it when they visit, so YMMV. Since you’re already staying relatively far up on the west side, it’s absolutely worth going up to the Cloisters. Both the Met and the Cloisters will be decorated, and I think both have music performances. There are also little pop-up holiday markets all over the city – the ones I like are in Brooklyn, but I bet there are some up in Harlem too. If you look at New York Magazine’s website closer to the time, they usually have roundups of markets and events and cute shopping neighborhoods.

  22. Anon

    Really basic question that makes me feel a little silly: sunscreen before moisturizer or the other way around or does it not matter?

  23. Green Hat

    Help me shop! Please share your favorite short-sleeve or elbow-length sleeve sheath dress that is under $200. Thanks in advance :)

  24. Leah

    Does anyone know if I need to wait to see an immuno-compromised person after getting a flu shot? (Not the live nasal spray, just a regular injection.) I’m not sure if I should wait a few days before visiting a relative in hospice. Google is giving me solid answers for people in cancer treatment, but that isn’t applicable.

    • Cornellian

      My pediatrician said it took two weeks to take effect :/ Can you ask the hospice employees?

    • Anonymous

      Isn’t it a similar enough situation? If the hospice folks can’t be helpful, I’d probably follow the cancer guidelines.

    • Anonymous

      Yes two weeks for immunity. That said, it’s not really flu season yet so it’s probably fine.

    • Anon

      Hospice doctor here. If you’re feeling fine and haven’t had any unusual exposures (like being around someone with known diagnosis of influenza), it’s fine to visit your relative.

  25. Giving Yourself Permission

    I don’t make much money (earning under 50k/yr) but I am becoming very busy with projects that will take 12-24 months and doesn’t pay upfront but will hopefully pay off in the future. As a single person (no partner, no kids), I am struggling with juggling house chores and meeting deadlines of these projects. I’m struggling with figuring out when I just need to muscle through this and when to allow myself to spend some money to outsource these chores.

    Any advice or stories you would share would be much appreciated!

    • Walnut

      There are varying levels of outsourcing, so think about what stresses you out the most. Grocery delivery saves me so much time and someone else to clean my bathrooms and kitchen basically gives me every Saturday morning back. You might also look into meal prep services, laundry service, etc. If you think about the tasks that are the biggest time sucks or at the most inconvenient times, prioritize outsourcing those.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. Prioritize and streamline as much as you can. Also, lower your expectations w/r/t housecleaning. Like, don’t live in filth but also don’t worry about scrubbing windows and bathtubs when you’re this busy.

    • Anonymous

      Absolutely outsource house cleaning, even if it’s just every two weeks, it will make a big difference and won’t cost that much.

    • SC

      (1) For outsourcing, I’d suggest grocery delivery and occasional use of a wash-and-fold laundry service if it’s available in your area. I used both of these while in law school, and IMO, they’re the most cost-effective ways to get some time back (especially if you don’t have in-unit laundry).
      (2) It doesn’t sound like you have the budget for a regular housekeeper. During busy times, I’d relax my standards–make a list of the essential cleaning tasks (scrub toilet, wipe sink) and let the rest go a bit. For a year or two, you may need to make a schedule of rotating tasks, but the aim here is not to be a perfectionist. If you’re already behind on house cleaning and can’t catch up yourself, you could try to find a Groupon for a one-time service (although I would want to be home during that service).
      (3) Not outsourcing, but find some recipes for making meals on Sunday that can stretch all week, with maybe a few additions/variations. It might get boring, but it will cut down on planning, shopping, cooking, and dishes.

    • Anon

      If I had to pick one service, it would be a cleaning service once a month (in my HCOL city, I pay $80 for a small one bedroom). Mine includes vacuuming, mopping the kitchen / bathroom floors, dusting, washing / changing sheets, scrubbing down the kitchen/bathroom and cleaning the shower/toilet. My person brings all her own supplies. It gives me such a piece of mind to come home to a clean apt. In between her monthly visits, I do some upkeep (quick run of the vacuum, etc), but not much.

  26. Anonymous

    Please help. I have a Morton’s Neuroma, and basically every pair of work shoes I have right now are excruciatingly painful once the cortisone wears off. I am looking for comfortable, flat shoes for work that are still semi-stylish. Anyone have recommendations?

    • SC

      I recently developed a Morton’s Neuroma too (I think). I went shopping yesterday and bought two pairs of flats for work–some Dansko brand ballet flats and some Ralph Lauren loafers. The Ralph Lauren shoes are more stylish, but the Dansko ones are super comfortable.

      From what I understand, though, is that a Morton’s neuroma is caused in part by a narrow toe box (and heels). You probably need to go shopping in person to make sure the toe box is wide enough for you, but not too wide. I tried on about 8-10 pairs of shoes yesterday to buy 2 pairs. Several brands known to be comfortable were just not the correct width. The good news is that I knew which shoes worked as soon as I took a step.

    • eertmeert

      I have MN, and Dansko rocking sole were the thing that got me over the first flare up. now I can wear a higher range of soles, but the toe box needs to be roomy – abosultely no pinching. There needs to be some shock absorption in the sole (can add shoe insert, but cannot wear thin soled shoes without insert). I can only do a very low heel, and this is 3 years after onset.
      Check out The Walking Company, they have lots of options, and can give you good direction.
      I wore out a pair of Dankso booties the first year, they were my saving grace.

      Also check out the blog “Barking Dog Shoes” – they do great round-ups of generally attractive shoes, and have posts targeted to different foot conditions.

    • Celia

      The only thing that works for me is custom orthotic inserts. I wear ’em in my sneakers and certain flats. For shoes with slight heels, I have to add cushioned stickers to the bed of the shoe. It’s critical to get them positioned just right, so I had ’em stuck in while at the orthotics office.

      I have arthritis as well as neuromas and can barely walk without these modifications.

    • Worry about yourself

      “Thank you for the offer. I had a great time getting to know the team and learn about the company, but after some consideration, I’ve decided this job is not for me, and I’m going to [stay at my current employer/continue my job search]. I wish you the best of luck in filling this position.”

      Adding to this, if you liked the company and just didn’t feel like the specific job or team wasn’t a good fit for you, you can add that you would like to be considered for different positions, maybe positions with more seniority or a different focus, you can say so! But if you have zero interest in the company, there’s no reason to invite them to stay in touch.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for the opportunity, but I’ve decided to go in another direction.

  28. Anonymous

    Headed to a biglaw alumni event tonight. It’ll be nice to see all my associate friends again (almost all are alums). These events seem to be the same questions over and over. What’s the stock answer for — I’ve been in government for x years and looking to move back to private practice. Don’t want to be a downer who goes to a reunion complaining about hating her job but want to be mildly honest just in case it’ll spark a coffee/lunch w someone later who may be at a firm that’s looking, have a lead on a regional firm that may be of interest etc. And truth is while I dislike my job, it’s not like I MUST leave tomorrow so it’s more about putting feelers out rather than acting like I need any job anywhere at all costs.

    • January

      I think your script covers it: “I’ve been in government for X years and I’m looking to move back to private practice.” Don’t go into detail about why you hate working in government, for example, but I think it’s common enough for people to move between the public and private sectors that people won’t question you for wanting to go back to the private sector.

      • anon

        This. Talk about what you’re running towards, not what you’re running from.

        Generally people that last in biglaw have drunk the koolaid and probably won’t question why you want to come back.

      • Anonymous

        +1

        And ‘ looking for new opportunities and challenges’ is a valid reason to want to move. Focus the conversation on where you want to go, not where you are now.

    • anon

      “I’ve had a great time in government, and really enjoyed X and Y, but I’m starting consider my next act.”

  29. Thailand

    Tips for must-do things in Chiang Mai, Bangkok and Phuket

    Also- Anyone have recommendations for a good tailor for custom suits in Bangkok? I hear it’s super cheap so DH and I are hoping to get a few for ourselves.

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