This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I like the navy and purple color scheme on this scuba colorblock sheath dress from Vince Camuto, and the brand's dresses are usually easy to care for — in fact, this one is hand wash, dry flat (which I think is about as good as machine washable). Note that it does have an exposed back zipper. The dress is $128 at Nordstrom, and right now, many sizes are still in stock. Scuba Colorblock Sheath Dress
A plus-size option from Calvin Klein is at Amazon.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Metro Detroit
Does anyone have suggestions on places to live in the metro Detroit area? Will be potentially moving there in the next few months for a work opportunity. Office will be in downtown Detroit. I’m early 30’s, single, no kids.
Nylon girl
Royal Oak is Very popular.
Native Detroiter
If you’ll be working downtown, just live downtown. Now that all the white people have moved in downtown and brought the Whole Foods with them, it’s really safe, and actually fun.
Anon
Whoa
Anon
Don’t feed the tr0lls.
Abby
Probably making myself more obvious if anyone I know reads this, but I grew up in Michigan and live in Royal Oak rn. Detroit is great, there are so many new things popping up, fancy restaurants and cocktail bars, very diverse food. There are a ton of nice (safe) apartments in Detroit, but they’ll be pricier. My husband lived in the Riverfront Apartments which looks out to Canada for a few years and his rent for a 2 bed/2 bath was 1800/month, but he was renting from a family friend. Buying a house was cheaper for us than buying a condo or apartment in Detroit, and Royal Oak’s market is more expensive than you’d expect. If you’re looking for a house, Berkley and Clawson are very cute and a little cheaper but the commute to Detroit is no fun (husband does it and I hear alllll about it). Feel free to ask me any questions!
kk
If you’re open to living downtown, that can be fun. If you’d prefer the “cool” suburbs, Ferndale and Royal Oak. If you’d prefer to live somewhere safe and wealthy (and mostly white), Birmingham or Grosse Pointe. In almost all cases, you’ll still need to have a car.
K
Downtown is great, but apartment prices are rising fast. I lived downtown for a year, it was fun. Lots of apartments in the “downtown” Downtown area, also Lafayette Park and Midtown. Corktown is getting popular because Ford is moving into some old buildings there (including renovating the Michigan Central Station). Echoing that Royal Oak is cute, good nightlife. Other suburbs to look at include Ferndale, Berkley, Birmingham, and Northville.
Metro Detroit
Thanks ladies! It seems like traffic can be a drag – are any of the recommended areas better/worse from a commuting Downtown perspective? Any commuting “hacks” or tips? I think I generally prefer to be in the burbs to being right downtown.
Abby
So most of the areas that were mentioned are north of Detroit. It depends a lot on when you’re commuting I believe. For instance my husband tries to leave at 7:20 AM to get downtown and it’ll take him ~25 minutes, but leaving any later and it’s a lot longer. I believe leaving work is worse, he actually will study after work until 6-7 pm and go straight to the gym, otherwise trying to leave at 5 is a nightmare. I’d look for proximity to the highway (75) when looking for an apartment. For reference, the “downtown” of royal oak is Main street by 11 and 12 mile. Hope this helps!
Bean74
I live in Birmingham and would recommend anywhere along the Woodward corridor in Ferndale, Royal Oak, Berkley, and Birmingham. You have easy access to different route options depending on where your office is, time of day, weather, etc.
It’s a great area!
Abby
Oh! Wow can’t believe I didn’t think of Dearborn, It’s closer to Detroit than Royal Oak but less of a fun city I’d say. Royal Oak is having it’s moment. Madison Heights is also a good area that is maybe a little cheaper than Royal Oak.
Shananana
Yep,I live in one of the listed cities and second it depends on your flexibility of start times. If you have the option to have a start time before 8 am or closer to 9am or later, the traffic is normal city traffic. If you will be in a committed 8-5 schedule it’s bad. And, you get used to your side road work around options over time :) Also, a lot depends on where you are moving from. People who visit from cities with real traffic, like Houston, Atlanta, LA, etc laugh that we consider any of this traffic. I will also say some of the recommendation may depend on what your housing budget looks like and what kind of housing you want. Nicer apartment or townhome living can be really spotty one city to another once you are in the burbs.
Cath
Wanted to chime in — currently at home in Beverly Hills. I love it here. Second any comments about living along the Woodward corridor. I absolutely love Huntington Woods and we really wanted to buy there. Really excellent if you’re planning to stay for a while, and especially if you have kids or are planning to have them. Birmingham/Bloomfield are definitely more upscale option and really terrific. If you’re working downtown, I wouldn’t venture any farther out than, say, west of Orchard Lake Road or north of Troy — you’re looking at a hefty commute there. Good luck! I love it here.
Metro Detroit
Thanks!!
Blondie
This is late but I live in Grosse Pointe Park. It is 15-20 minutes to downtown on Jefferson, maybe 25 minutes if traffic is bad. It’s less white on white than it used to be, and there are some nice bars and restaurants here, but it’s definitely not funky or hip. But you don’t have to do battle on I-75 twice a day!
Anon
I recently found out that two of the partners at my law firm host regular poker nights with partners at other firms as a way to network. And one of them is a rainmaker. This kind of depressed me as I’m not a poker person and it seems like a very male/bro-centric activity to network and get referrals. What are some things that you do as a way of catching up with professional contacts or develop clients?
Q
not the same category in terms of title, but when I was in finance, I would organize get-togethers with women in my field who I did business with. example events: golf range, afternoon tea, champagne tasting. These were women who should have been speaking to each other, but had never met, and I not only got to strengthen my network for myself, but help these high quality women improve their networks.
Flats Only
I like these because these are lower skill activities that you can involve new contacts in spontaneously, vs. hoping that you meet ladies who play tennis, golf, etc. (Golf Range being way more accessible than playing a round of golf).
Anonymous
I used to play in a poker group and it was awesome. Yes, I was the only person in a skirt there. But it was really just about the poker, which is fascinating for me to watch. It was, to me, a way of playing with assessments of risk and with being better at bluffing (or not blurting out OMG I have no good cards and a bad case of Imposter Syndrome, plz don’t take all of my chips), all useful legal skills. All useful non-legal skills, too.
But poker with lawyers isn’t going to get you any clients or work or collections (and that is all law firms really care about). So if you want to hang with other lawyers, do that. If you want to get clients, be like Bonnie and Clyde. “Why do you rob banks?” “Because that is where the money is.”
Anon
It’s a cliche, but golf. Or tennis.
If I were you though, I’d work backwards. What kinds of things do you like doing? What networking events have you most enjoyed?
Aggie
I would disagree that poker night is a male/bro-centric activity. We host a weekly game – it typically reaches three or four tables of other lawyers and non-lawyers (almost equally men and women) and it is an excellent way to network. The allure of poker goes beyond the money – our buy in is twenty dollars so no one is getting rich – it is the concentrated period of communication without distractions, egos or cell phones. Non-poker players are welcome to our event and treat the evening as a very casual happy hour.
Anonymous
I really struggle with this. I keep hearing that business development/networking should be things that you like to do. Some people golf or do spa weekends or whatever. This is really hard as an introvert, though. I don’t want to do things, I want to not do things! Probably also why I’m single but that’s a whole nother thread.
My top informal networking thing is the gym. I picked a gym that’s inconvenient for me but where a lot of business types, lawyers, and judges tend to congregate. I get my workout and get to at least say hi and make small talk with people I probably wouldn’t see otherwise.
Emma
I’m an introvert- I like to do walking meetings to network with people (usually to a coffee shop nearby if I can, where I offer to get them something). I don’t know anyone that doesn’t need a little break, excefcise, or caffeine and I find it less awkward than sitting across from someone staring at them. I work at a very large corporation so it’s mostly people that work at the same company that I want to be in touch with.
Anonymous
Pick something you genuinely like to do for networking and build your own network. I have colleagues who bro out, but others who serve on foundation boards, do pro bono with clients, or are active in alumni events or affinity group events.
The original Scarlett
I think the easiest way to “network” is to just socialize and make sure you regularly are in touch with the people you know and like. For me, this is regular coffee dates and dinners with former colleagues who’ve really just become friends. I also host a book club that’s large and has people from a lot of industries attend (its all women, and there’s no obligation to read the book so attendance doesn’t suffer). Relationships develop organically this way and it’s common for all of us to refer business and share our contacts and network around. And it doesn’t feel like a forced activity that “networking” can. If you need to do business development in a more hardcore way, check out professional networking organizations like Provisors. Those are actual “we are here to network” groups and a big time investment, but sometimes it’s easier when everyone is there for the stated purpose. I know a lot of lawyers who do those. Some have more success than others depending on their practice (I think it’s best for solo/small to midsize firm lawyers).
Anonymous
In my town there’s a bridge club and they are always desperate for new players (give free lessons with lunches etc). My great-uncle was a lawyer and he and his wife played bridge regularly for decades with the other country club types. If you don’t like poker for whatever reason, you might see if anyone around you plays bridge. It’s an interesting game. I stopped pursuing it because I couldn’t hear the word “trump” all the time, haha. But I’m a snowflake (plus i had so much other stuff going on). Anyway, enough about me, check out bridge for networking.
Anon
I think this really depends on the type of practice you have. In over 8 years in BigLaw, I have never had a client that was based in my city. And given the type of law I do and the types of companies I work for, that is u likely to change. It hasn’t seemed to be a limiting factor for the partners I work with.
Anonymous
IDK about this dress. I feel like I would have loved it in 2017 but colorblockinig in feeling dated to me right now. I’m adding more small sized dark florals.
Anon
Agree- this previously would have loved this. It looks a little meh now, plus I’m tired of exposed back zipper (yes, I know they’re not going away).
Ellen
I hate back zippers, particularley those that are exposed (i.e., visible), b/c my coworker, Frank, loves to unzip any zipper he sees on a woman, including their purses, which I can live with, but not my dresses and skirts, where he gets to see my skin and tuchus. FOOEY on him! Isn’t there a way that we can figure out how to stop men from doing that? I was thinking of metoo-ing to his wife, but she is a nice woman and I do not want to say or do anything to hurt her. DOUBEL FOOEY on men who are married that do this stuff to single women like me. They have absoluteley NO CLASS!
Anon
Colourblocking looks terrible to me – one of those looks that was “in” at a time because fashion wanted something different, but never actually looked good even when it was in.
Anonymous
I think it’s cute and doesn’t look like a Star Trek uniform.
C2
I agree – it’s a fresh take on colorblock, blush and mauve feel very current, I like that it’s mostly navy, and that the exposed zipper is tonal and not a garish gold or metallic color.
Interviewing
I’m interviewing next week with senior management, including members of the executive team, of a very large corporation. I have to wear nude hose, right? I hate how frumpy nude hose look, and I’m trying to convince myself that I can get away with black tights. But I don’t want to talk myself into the wrong attire. What do you all think?
Maudie Atkinson
Where are you? It seems to me that just about anywhere, black tights are are a perfectly appropriate alternative to nude house this time of year.
Anonymous
Agree. West coast, probably not.
Cat
Nude hose that are low denier and the correct shade for your skin are NOT frumpy. This may be a worthwhile time to invest in a nice pair. Kate Middleton’s legs never look frumpy to me and she wears hose for almost every appearance.
While black tights are ubiquitous business-casual-wear, I think of them as slightly less formal than nude hose.
Equestrian Attorney
I agree – I hate nude hose but sometimes black tights look really wrong, particularly with suits. I think you really need to find a nude hose that works for you – right shade, not too shiny. After trying several expensive brands, I had surprising success with the H&M ones – I think they only come in one shade so YMMV, but they look really natural on me and you can’t beat the price – they were selling 3 for the price of 2 last time I was there so I stocked up!
Aggie
Agreed. I have found that the Wolford Nude 8’s are iconic and do not look frumpy. (Low denier with a natural finish, not shiny or chalky) In fact, most people do not realize that I am wearing them but I feel more confident in them and appreciate the blurred, clean lines they create. They are expensive, but if you take your time and use hosiery gloves, they will last three times as long as inexpensive hose. I also love their Nude 8 socks with trousers.
I feel better in hose than tights, especially in a lined suit. My tights can “fight” with some of my skirts and I hate constantly adjusting.
anon
I agree that nude hose do not have to be frumpy! Just get some that are the correct color for your skin and not too opaque.
Also, I think (subject to correction by others) that off-black hose (not tights) are just as professional as nude hose with a black suit.
Cat
Hmm… sheer black hose (as opposed to opaque) reads “evening” to me, like what my mom would wear with an LBD to a winter wedding.
Anon
Yeah, but they wouldn’t read evening with a suit.
Anon
I’m anon at 9:58. I can see that being the case. The reason I was originally given (making the case for off-black over nude with a black suit) was that it creates a cleaner “line” from head to toe. Since the whole reason to dress conservatively for an interview is to make your clothes fade into the background (thereby letting you and your credentials shine), it made sense to me and that’s what I’ve adopted for court appearances and dressy interviews.
Anonymous
I used to wear off-black hose (Hanes, maybe?) layered over nude, for formal interviews. Very conservative women in my network complimented me on the look.
The original Scarlett
Totally depends on your corporate culture. This would be a huge miss where I work as it’s way to formal. I think it’s a know your office situation. Is there someone you can ask? Short of that, ask your recruiter.
The original Scarlett
Also, if you aren’t sure and need to wear a suit, I’d do a pantsuit before nude hose.
Anonymous
I don’t understand how super-sheer hose perfectly matched to one’s skin tone could ever be too formal with a suit.
The original Scarlett
At a casual company, a suit and hose will look really formal – it’s as formal as you can get really. In my area this would be a miss at a lot of big companies, so I’d really make sure that formal interview attire is the right note before wearing it.
Anon
Maybe it depends on location, but I find it weird to have bare legs in the winter.
Cat
Anecdata — Our C-suite wears suits daily (although the rest of the company is much less formal). The OP’s choice of a conservative suit and hose would fit right in with them, even though overdressed for the average worker bee.
Idea
Call me a liberal feminist (please!) but why not pants, again? If you’re not a hosiery kind of person, then…. why wear hosiery?
Anon
Honestly, what is the point of nude hose at all? It is offensive to have bare legs? I’m truly asking because I work at a very casual techy corporation where wearing a dress and heels is considered very formal. No one wears hose.
Cat
I like the slight smoothing they give, and they’re almost like a blurring tool for your legs. If you slightly missed a spot shaving, have a fading bruise, have a few wrinkles around your knee…. all nicely blurred over. Plus I don’t go barefoot in closed-toe shoes — recipe for sweaty smelly feet AND shoes.
Echo
For me, it’s because my legs get cold, or sometimes I want smoother lines under dresses.
Anon
They make your legs look better.
Anon
If you’re wearing good hose, you won’t really be able to tell if you have them on.
Blueberries
Depends on where you are. I’m in Silicon Valley and would not feel an obligation to wear hose anywhere (except maybe oral argument at the Ninth Circuit? I’m not an appellate litigator, so that’s not happening).
Blueberries
To follow on, and pants would be fine absolutely anywhere—hose would just be if I chose a skirt and I’m not sure it’d be obligatory even at the Ninth Circuit.
Anonymous
I wear black tights on a day to day basis, including for important meetings, but would wear black hose for interviewing with senior management of a large corporation. I’m sure nude hose would be fine, but my clothes and shoes are all dark and so I think black hose would look better.
Cb
Recommendations for Madrid? I have a conference in June and am thinking of tacking on two days for some solo time / sightseeing. Any particular highlights? I like history, art, and architecture, but also sitting in a park or cafe with a book and people watching. Not fussed about food. It’s my first time in Spain but I’m in the UK so don’t need to jam everything into one trip.
anne-on
Madrid is awesome for art/architecture IMHO. I’d definitely make sure to hit the Thyssen-Bornemisza Museum, it was my favorite there. The Prado is the obvious draw, but I wasn’t in love with much of the collection, though it was totally worth it to see the SInger Sargent they had on display at the time – I’d check the special collections, get an advance ticket, and go right as they open. The area around the Prado was excellent for shopping/cafes ($$ ones though!) and people watching. I’d also go have a drink or a nibble in the Westin Palace – the glass dome was absolutely gorgeous and it is right by the Prado and Thyssen Museum.
My husband really liked the archaeological museum, which was very interesting and had a lot of moorish artifacts if you’re into that. The main squares and governing museums are also in a very fun areas and nice to walk around/through. Enjoy!!
Anonymous
I went on a self-guided vermouth tour, which was a really fun way to visit some very old bars and just soak in some atmosphere. I found it online, I’m sure there are lots of similar things out there (maybe for tapas shops, or other kinds of shops).
January
Madrid is amazing for history, art, and architecture! El Prado is the major art museum (sort of like the Louvre, it is huge and you won’t be able to cover it all). Picasso’s Guernica is in a separate location. You can also tour the Royal Palace of Madrid, which is also quite something.
Abby
My favorite part of Madrid was a food market, Mercado de San Miguel. I think we went 3 times, but I know you said you don’t care much about food. It’s a fun place to walk around and check out all the small plates offered though. We took a day trip from Madrid to Toledo and if you’re up for it, I’d highly recommend. The Royal Palace and the Prado were nice touristy sightseeing spots, and I’m only eh on art so you might enjoy it more. We also visited a park with a building called Crystal Palace, can’t remember much else about it, but we brought our own picnic and people watched.
Cb
That sounds wonderful! I don’t like fancy drawn out meals but I do like street food and cool markets so that sounds up my alley.
emeralds
Yes, Mercado de San Miguel is wonderful. And good news for you–if you do tapas, Spain is the champion of quick snacky meals. I don’t have any current recommendations, since it’s a few years since I’ve been, but I’ve had good results by Yelping around. There should be plenty of options in the neighborhoods around the Mercado de San Miguel. I’ve always stayed in the area around Calle de las Huertas and Calle Lope de Vega, which has a lot of cute little tapas bar/gelato spots if you just stroll around. (It’s also very close to the Prado.)
Abby, you’re talking about the Retiro park. It’s a great place to stroll and/or hang out with a book, a picnic, and people watch.
Go to the Prado for sure, and either the Thyssen-Bornemisza (old masters) or the Reina Sofia (modern and contemporary, including Guernica).
Toledo is a very interesting day trip, if you like history. Their Jewish museum is fascinating.
In conclusion, I really miss Madrid! I used to spend quite a bit of time there but it’s been a while.
Pompom
The park is Retiro, and it abuts the back of the Prado! You can get lost in there in the best way. Cosigning reccomendations for the Museo Reina Sofia (where Guernica lives), in addition to the Prado. Try a Devour food/walking tour, if you like to eat!
Madrilian
June is a perfect month to go to Madrid,
if I were you I will do something like this to walk around and enjoy the city:
1- Starting in Puerta del Sol – Plaza Mayor – Plaza de la Villa – Viaducto en C/Bailen- Palacion Real- Jardines de Sabatini- Plaza de España- C/Ferraz- Templo de Debot (Sunset!!) or you can arrive here from Cibeles
2- Plaza de Cibeles- C/Gran Vía- Plaza del Callao (go to the top floor of El Corte Ingles for an amazing pic of the street)-Plaza de España- Templo de Debot
If you are into art you have to go to Prado museum (there is a brochure with the main pieces to see in around one hour)-Reina Sofia museum (Guernica painting)- Thysen museum. They are the best known but you have also a litle gem as the Sorolla casa museum with an amazing patio. Besides the Prado museum you have the Retiro park with the Cristal Palace.
On Sundays there is a flea market (El rastro) that is near “La latina” underground station (be carefull with your bag, there and around Puerta del Sol)
For eating I will send you to La latina, any place you go in Cava baja, Calle El almendro, plaza de los carros.. will be good for tapas and bar hoping and with lot of locals. There is El viajero there for a cold beer ina a rooftop. The area is called Madrid de los Austrias and it is full of really cute streets and hiden places as El jardín del Principe de Anglona, stroll and get lost. Plaza Santa Ana is full of tourists but reallly nice for people watching with a drink in a terrace.
If you like fancy markets you have Mercado de San Ildefonso in Fuencarrall street, Mercado de San Miguel is a beautifull building worth to see but only tourists stop there. Less fancy (more like Brixton) you have Lavapies area, the whole Argumosa street and Santa Isabel street (in the back of Reina Sofia museum) and the San Antón market.
Things you have to eat: bocata de Calamares in El brillante (in front of Atocha station), chocolate con churros in Chocolatería San Ginés and tortilla de patata in Juana la loca or Casa Dani. The best patatas bravas are a bit further from the center (Docamar) but “Las bravas” near Plaza Santa Ana could do it.
Let me know if I can be of any help.
Anonymous
What are your bucket list travel destinations? Mine are Australia, New Zealand, Japan, Egypt, and a beercation in Germany/Belgium. I’d love to hear yours! It’d be helpful if you could include the time of year you’d like to go, if you know.
Cb
I’d really like to go to Japan and Thailand, and take an epic rail trip (maybe Transsiberian railway). Also completely random and not location specific but I read something recently about hotels with fruit chefs (maybe in Hong Kong?) and this is basically my food dream come true.
Abby
+1 for Oktoberfest in Germany. Morocco and an African safari but I want those to be splurge vacations, so waiting a while for those. Southeast Asia is a regret that I didn’t go earlier when I was able to take 2 weeks in a row, my husband can’t take more than 1 week at a time for the next 3-5 years, which by that time we’re thinking of having kids and I assume it’s not kid friendly.
givemyregards
I think it depends where in SE Asia you go and what types of activities you’re interested in. You might not be able to go bushwhacking through the jungle but you can definitely visit major cities, places like Angkor Wat, etc. Apologies if I’m saying this in a culturally weird way, but a lot of non-western countries have much larger family sizes than western Europe or the US, so there can be a big emphasis on kid-friendly stuff that you might not expect. When I was in the middle east there were humongous indoor playgrounds everywhere and places catered to small kids in ways I would not have expected.
Anon
So many, but the biggest ones are Antarctica, Galapagos, Patagonia, and Rwanda to see the gorillas.
Cat
Spending like two months going everywhere in Italy. Every time we try to plan a trip, we’re overwhelmed by the number of areas we want to see!
Australia/New Zealand. Hard to swing a long-enough vacation to justify the travel time.
Antarctic cruise (not prone to seasickness).
Anon
I have major wanderlust and we still go back to Italy every 3-4 years because there’s so much to see and we love it so much. So just plan a trip and start somewhere! You don’t have to see the whole country in one visit.
Cat
Where would you start for a first visit/10-day trip? Our initial ideas we were tossing around below. We like to mix city sightseeing with pretty views and relaxing, so an all-city all-history trip isn’t appealing…
– Rome + Cinque Terre
– Rome + Amalfi
– Rome + Florence (with Tuscany on the way? Or winery day trips from Florence?)
– Venice, where we have a seasonal direct flight + Florence + Tuscany
Anon
I would do either Rome + Cinque Terre or Rome + Amalfi, either of which would be a very nice 10 day trip. I wouldn’t do Rome + Florence if you don’t want exclusively cities and history and it would be hard to do Rome + Florence + Tuscany countryside in 10 days and still do justice to the cities.
I’ve done three big Italy trips, all of which were 8/9 days each:
-Rome + Cinque Terre
-Florence (flew into Rome but immediately took a train to Florence) + surrounding Tuscany countryside
-Venice + Amalfi (that combination doesn’t really make sense geographically – I forget how we arrived at it).
Rome is my favorite city so far, and Amalfi is my favorite scenic area, so I would probably vote for Rome + Amalfi as a first trip, but I loved Cinque Terre and Tuscany wine country too. On our next trip we’re doing the food towns in Emilia-Romagna: Bologna, Parma, Modena. I also really want to do the Lake Como area too.
ATL rette
Amalfi Coast is a shorter drive from Rome than Cinque Terre is. I’d do Rome + Amalfi or Florence + Cinque Terre, not Rome + Cinque. CT is the northern coast, so makes more sense to visit a northern city rather than a southern one!
Anonymous
I feel the same way about Italy. If you like museums, you could easily get happily stuck in Naples alone for weeks on end. And then there’s the countryside, the beach, and all the other cities you want to visit.
Anonymous
Antarctica, Egypt (pyramids), European Christmas markets, Scandinavia, Banff, Alaska, Holland during tulip season.
Anonymous
Safari, Manchu Piccu, Mount Everest base camp, Galapagos + some of the Pacific islands that may not be around for much longer due to climate change.
emeralds
Like…all of them, which is not handy. Percolating around in my top ten are Argentina (specifically Mendoza and Patagonia), Colombia, South Africa (safari!), Scotland (going this summer, whee), Munich for Oktoberfest, Singapore (stuffing my face with street food), Bali (Bali!), the Pacific Northwest (hiking! beer!), Cuba, Maine (Acadia, lobsters, sweaters).
Vicky Austin
Oooo, I forgot about Scotland! We spent a little time in Maine/Acadia on our honeymoon, but not nearly enough…I think we might have to go back.
Anon
I’ve been to 40+ countries and all 50 states and coastal Maine/Acadia is one of my favorite places I’ve ever been. Definitely worth prioritizing a trip there.
Abby
Almost all of your places are also on my list I just couldn’t think of them, but the overlap (and your helpful comment above about Retiro) makes me want to be your friend! And travel. Ugh not enough vacation time or money
Vicky Austin
Ooh, fun! Florence, Greece, Germany and Japan are probably my biggest hitters (somehow I have a degree in German and a German-teacher mother who lately goes every other year with students, but I have never been!). My Basque husband wants to visit the Basque country and Switzerland. I also kind of want to hit every state in the US, just to say I’ve done it. I’m about halfway.
NOLA
I’d like to spend some more time in northern Italy, where my mother’s family is from, or tool around in the Emilia-Romagna region. A friend of mine goes to Florence every Thanksgiving and explores all of the smaller towns in Tuscany with Florence as a base and that sounds heavenly. Although I lived in Austria, I’ve only every been to one place in Germany (Munich, which I loved) and I’d love to see more of it. The Christmas market cruises sound like a lot of fun! I’ve never been to the UK at all, but would love to go to Ireland and Scotland.
Anon
Mine is a combination of bucket list travel and bucket list event – I’ve always wanted to go to the Olympics, and I have two cousins living in Japan, so I’m already planning for Tokyo 2020.
Anon
I’m jealous! Seeing an Olympics is big on my bucket list as well. I have (very tentative) plans to take my baby daughter to the 2026 Winter Olympics when she’ll be 8. I think it will be in either Milan or Stockholm, either of which would be great, but I’m pulling for Milan since I’ve been to Stockholm (not in winter though).
Anon
I think that’s a brilliant idea! I absolutely want to attend a winter Olympics someday, too. I won’t argue with Milan, but I can say I’ve been to Stockholm in the winter, it’s really a wonderland! It wasn’t as cold as I feared it would be, as long as you’re dressed appropriately and have boots with good traction that keep out pervasive layer of sludgey-wet mix on the ground.
emeralds
Ooh yeah, I forgot to add the Olympics to my list! Probably not happening any time soon, but I’d love to go.
More Plans Than PTO Time
I’m not very interested in international travel when we have so many amazing places to see here in the states… My list includes:
Alaska. — Cruise/train trip preferred. And must include salmon fishing, ATV riding, and I want to see moose and bears. Not necessarily up close and personal, but close enough.
Riverboat trip down the entire length of the Mississippi — I’ve looked into this, and I’m going to need to hit the lottery or find myself a rich old man with a heart condition and no kids to contest the will.
Savannah, GA and Charleston, SC — I’d do both of these in the same trip – and I’m most interested in all the amazing food and architecture.
Road trip across the US on as much of Route 66 as possible in a classic convertible. Just because.
Road trip out west — Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, etc. I want to see Mount Rushmore, Wall Drug, Las Vegas, the Grand Canyon, Aspen, Jackson Hole, the Rocky Mountains.
The Southwest and Texas – Santa Fe, Austin, San Antonio, etc.
Lighthouse Tour of the East Coast — Just drive down the coast checking out lighthouses.
Fall foliage tour of New England — Supposedly we did this when I was really little. Obviously I don’t remember it. I need to go back!
I’m starting off small this summer and going on a covered bridge tour right here in my own state.
If I do ever go overseas, I’d choose Ireland (my friend’s cousin got married there and I saw a video — OMG. It was so beautiful, I cried. I need to get married. In Ireland.), Italy, and Greece. London would be fun, too — although my bestie and her husband were there last summer and the videos she posted of him driving had me cringing. Might be best to just take public transit!)
CPA Lady
– Norwegian Fjords
-The Taj Mahal
– Angkor Wat
– Petra in Jordan
– Machu Picchu
– somewhere I can see the northern lights
Joan Wilder
Greenland, Reunion, Easter Island, Madeira, and Antarctica. I guess I have a mostly remote island theme!
Pep
Mine would be India and Greece.
That said, I’m doing a 10 day cruise/railtour of Alaska this summer with DBF; it’s one of his bucket list items. The planning and booking are now finished so we can relax and look forward to the trip!
There’s a possibility that DBF will need to travel to India for work; if so, I plan to tag along.
Puerto Rico travel tips?
DH, daughter and I are thinking about Puerto Rico for spring break. We’ve never been. Daughter likes beaches, kayaking, and paddle boarding. We’re not big into history but we like wandering around cities. Suggestions / tips? Thanks very much!
BabyAssociate
I’d do San Juan for the wandering around cities part and then Vieques (very short flight from San Juan or a drive and a ferry) for the amazing bioluminescent bay.
Anon
There’s also a bio bay on the main island (Fajardo?) if you don’t want to go to Vieques.
BabyAssociate
There is one in Fajardo, but my understanding is that it really hasn’t recovered well post-hurricane.
Anon
Oh that’s too bad. I was there years ago.
Abby
I haven’t been, but NYT’s 52 places to go in 2019 has Puerto Rico listed as #1, they only give a small blurb for each location but you should check it out.
Architect
My family and I were in San Juan, Puerto Rico January 1-8. We stayed in a hotel in the San Juan Condado neighborhood. The weather was mostly great (especially compared to Minneapolis). The hotel has two really nice pools and is on the beach. The neighborhood has lots of restaurants, grocery store, Starbucks and a CVS. It was super convenient. We also ended up renting a car for two days. With the rental car we took day trips to Ponce (south side of the island), El Yunque rain forest, Luquillo Beach (twice) and Plaza Las Americas Mall. Our kids are teenagers and love shopping. The timing worked out great since Puerto Rico reopened all the National monuments during that time. They are not closed again, I believe. There are two Spanish forts in Old San Juan. We toured del Morro. My husband was in heaven. Also, Old San Juan is very pretty. There’s lots of stuff to do. It’s not all beach. You can still see hurricane damage EVERYWHERE. That said, it did not impede our trip at all. It was a great trip.
busybee
I’m not sure how much has changed since the recent hurricanes, but I went in early spring 2015. We stayed at the W in Vieques and really enjoyed it. The resort is smaller than a typical Caribbean all-inclusive, as Vieques is more undeveloped than the rest of PR. It’s a ferry ride or short flight from the main island. We opted for the $2 ferry. We took cabs to various parts of Vieques–there was a small little town (forget the name) that had a beach and some great authentic food. All very laid back and not built up or touristy at all. We bought Puerto Rican beer at some hole in the wall for like 50 cents each, and roamed around on our own (aside from the wild dogs that are everywhere). There’s also the bio bay and I recall there being a sea turtle sanctuary or something of that nature. We only spent half a day in San Juan and if we could have, I’d like to have stayed there an extra day or two. It had a cool Spanish vibe and felt very European. We are not cool or trendy or big partiers, so off-the-beaten-path Vieques was a good spot for us.
After I typed this I saw that the W is still closed for repairs, so my advice is probably irrelevant now. Maybe next year??
Gail the Goldfish
I love Vieques. Rent a jeep. The W was the only fancy all-inclusive resort on the island, but there are lots of smaller hotels/guest houses that I think give you a better feel for Vieques anyway. Hector’s by the Sea is my lodging of choice, but it is very small and I would only stay there if you can get the little cottage that’s by itself (the other two rooms are next to each other and you can easily hear the other side). Hacienda Tamarindo is a bed and breakfast right up the road from Hector’s that looked nice. El Blok and Malecon House are right on the Malecon in Esperanza. We’ve stayed on both the Esperanza side of the island and Isabel Segunda side (the two little towns) and prefer the Esperanza side.
Anon
Does anyone have Flor tiles? I like some of their options for an area rug, but I’m not so sure about the feel and their ability to stay together.
Anonymous
Yes, my office has them on the floor. They are sturdy but not very cushiony. We end up putting area rugs or gel mats down.
Cb
The house tour that was featured on Cup of Jo this week had Flor tiles and they looked very nice.
anonymous
They definitely *do* stay together – my sister has had them in her home for 10 years. I don’t know about the current selection, but hers are not very cushioned but she has them under a table, so it’s not important that they be very cushioned. (Great to clean or replace a square, though!)
CHS
Yes, we’ve had them for a few years as our primary living room area rug (10x10ish size) with absolutely no issues with coming apart or anything else. They do look a little corporate, but with a kid and a dog, and at that price point, I love that there is absolutely no problem if there is a spill or other accident. You literally pick up one tile and run it under the faucet to get spills out, or can just throw it out and reshape the area rug. You can also change up the design by adding new tiles, and split them up and use them elsewhere in the house as runners and smaller area rugs when you’re tired of them. Tons of versatility.
Anon
Glad you like them! Do you find them pleasant to sit on? My kid is soon to be crawling all over the floor and while the website claims that the ones I like are “soft and inviting,” I’m a little skeptical.
Anon
We have them as the rug in our nursery-turned-playroom. They’re not super cushy but perfectly soft for sitting and firm enough to build towers out of block or legos. They’ve endured daily abuse for going on 6 years now and held up beautifully.
They stay together incredibly well. And for a room that gets the brunt of baby/kid messiness, being able to replace a dirty tile and expand/adjust the size as we reconfigure the room, has been perfect.
My only advice is to buy 2-3 extra tiles of your particular style. They seem to change the options every year or two, so the rug heights may not match up perfectly. We remixed the whole thing to spread the newer tiles among the others and look more intentional, but if this was in anything other than a playroom, the very slight difference would bother me.
Also their customer service is great. They send us extra stickers whenever we need them, or help us find equivalent colors, or help us brainstorm a new way to design the rug. We’ve just started the plan to redo the rug again as we switch from preschool-toy playroom to elementary-toy playroom, and they’ve sent us a few design options to help make the space work. (Fewer duplos/walkers and more barbie dreamhouse and chapter books)
Drudging along
How do you prioritize your relationship when life is just so, so busy and feels like constant DRUDGERY? I’m finding it almost impossible to maintain a gardening frequency or even regular date nights. I’m finding it impossible to even do anything that I find fun as individual either. The winter weather has been so bad where I live that it takes up to two hours to get to and from work. Before work, there is snow shoveling to be done. After work, there is snow shoveling to be done. There is dinner to be made. There are chores to be done. There is work to be done after dinner and chores. I feel like by time I actually have a moment to sit still, it’s already 9pm or later, and I’m exhausted and not in a place to spend quality time with my partner. I’m slightly depressed because I feel like this shouldn’t FEEL so hard – I don’t even have kids!! We can’t afford to outsource tasks like cooking or cleaning or snow shoveling. I am wondering how I am even going to survive this routine and how my relationship is going to survive. Any sympathy or advice appreciated. How do you cope when it feels like there are just so many obligations and just so little oppourtunities for anything else?
anon
I personally find that gardening begets gardening. It’s easy to slip into not doing it. But if you try to do it every other day, it seems to be appealing rather than annoying.
Ellen
My ex wanted to garden as soon as I got home from work. I was tired and wanted to relax, and he, having done nothing all day other then watch TV, eat and g-d knows what else, was always trying to pull my clotheing off when all I wanted to do was have a moment to myself. If he was actually a good gardener, that would not have been so bad, but he wanted me to do all of the heavy tilling of HIS soil, and believe me, it was a mess. Once he was tilled, he rolled over and went to sleep, so I got NOTHING out of it for ME! I am glad he’s gone from my life and counsel the hive to make sure you get tilled first, or do nothing for your SO! FOOEY!
Anon
Are you healthy? Are your Vitamin D levels okay? Seasonal Affective Disorder is real.
OP
I’m just in such a bad place. All at once, everything I have to do became so much more challening. We moved house right before Christmas. I now live further from work, have a larger house to manage, and we have all the tasks associated with moving in on our plates. We totaled our car on January 1st when it slid into a pole on an icy road, and now we don’t have a means of transportation other than walking or taking the bus. We are experiencing the coldest and snowiest winter I can ever remember. Getting to work is a constant struggle and recreating outside is barely even possible in these temperatures. All of the things I HAVE to do are so much harder, and all of the things I LIKE to do are less possible than ever. I’m having a hard time snapping out of this funk and I know my relationship is really suffering.
Seafinch
I hear you. I don’t have helpful advice but commiseration. I am 8 months pregnant and have a dislocated pelvis, so I can’t manage walking in the crazy icy weather. We are spending a fortune parking at work and I am feeling resentful of my husband dropping the ball with household/kid stuff I just can’t manage. I will say, I just ignore it. I figure this too shall pass, there are seasons of life and I can tolerate it.
Vicky Austin
I would be kind to yourself. You moved! Isn’t moving very difficult psychologically? And now with no car, suddenly you have to very carefully consider transportation, which was probably something you didn’t even have to think about before. That can take up a ton of mental bandwidth. I would really not beat yourself up if you let gardening slide to the bottom of the priority list for another month or two while you get your feet under you in your new environment. You and your partner will bounce back. There are small ways to connect in the meantime (take five minutes to drink your coffee together, facetime on your lunch breaks, listen to the same music/audiobook/podcast on the bus or during your walk and talk about it over dinner). I know how hopeless you feel, I’ve been there too. But nothing lasts forever, even the worst winter of your life.
Anon
I was there many years ago, for different reasons. Worked two jobs and commuted for five or six hours a day.
I eventually took a day off of work every so often so I could sleep in beyond 5:30 am, shop for a car, and not lose my mind. That helped immensely – I was able to get necessary stuff done, sleep, and not lose my mind.
Are you looking for a car? Do you need advice?
And please take your vitamins.
emeralds
Can you give yourself permission to just…not be doing great right now? And to acknowledge that you aren’t at your best and that life is just going to be a little sh*tty for a while? That sounds like a lot to handle for anyone.
For what it’s worth, one of the greatest gifts that my SO and I give each other is the space to be grumpy and not have to keep up a perfect facade. We have a silly code phrase for “I’m in a bad mood, things are terrible, it’s not about you, please give me extra hugs/love/support” and it really does help. Have you talked to your SO about all the pressure that you’re feeling, and that you’re worried your relationship is suffering?
Anonymous
We have to schedule it. Three kids so we also have to work around that. Standing lunch date every second Monday – really try not to cancel if at all possible. Try to at least eat lunch on Facetime for 15 mins if we have to cancel. Standing Saturday night date – aim to go out at least half the time and try to prebook at least a month ahead. Other half it’s just watching a movie on the sofa with fancy drinks. Every weekday evening we try to sit down for 15-20 mins after the kids are in bed and just catch up on our day.
We also do a standing Friday night work date night at dining room table and take turns picking up fancy snacks but YMMV if your jobs don’t both require work outside 9-5.
For gardening, dating and flirting more with each other has helped up the frequency. I try to respond positively whenever DH approaches me and he doesn’t push if I don’t want to take things as far as he does because he knows I’m more likely to respond positively if he’s accepting around how far I want to take things. We had to explicitly talk about that. I joke that it’s like yoga. Before class I have a hard time getting myself motivated to go but afterwards I’m always like ‘I need to do yoga more often!’.
anon
I have the same problems. My boyfriend was stunned when I told him we hadn’t gardened, THIS YEAR. Ugh, thankfully we fixed that problem, but really, its so hard to prioritize. :( And I don’t know how to fix it either.
The original Scarlett
I don’t have tips on the snow, but a couple of thoughts – could you work remotely a few days a week to ease the commute burden? Also seems like a time for easy dinners (premake on the weekends or breakfast for dinner) to lighten up the load? I always feel better with fewer must-dos, and sometimes you can take them off your plate.
Amin
Honestly, I recommend taking up backpacking. I haven’t found any other activity that allows me to get away from it all the way backpacking does. There is no drudgery, no chores, no responsibility – just quality time with your spouse. Maybe try that as a reset as soon as weather allows and then work on finding other activities that give you the same pleasure for weeknights or weekends? I hear you though – it’s rough and I struggle with it too.
Also, I’ve tried to explain to my husband that if he wants to garden more, taking chores and tasks off my to do list is the number 1 way to get me in a happy and relaxed mood. Hitting on me when i’m In the middle of something is not. It’s a work in progress.
Anonymous
Doing chores every day is a scam. Like, take Monday night. Literally no reason why it isn’t always “reheat leftovers” night, and do no chores. Srsly what are these essential chores? How long does it take to put dishes in the dishwasher. If you’re spending more than 10 minutes a night on household chores without kids, you’re doing it wrong. Take Sunday morning, clean, do laundry, one of you grocery shops, in the afternoon you meal prep a couple things.
9pm isn’t so bad! That’s time enough to thrown on an episode of something you both enjoy, change into decent looking loungewear, pour a glass of Scotch and relax.
OP
The essential chores – Unpacking, since we just moved into a new house. Clearing snow from the driveway, since we rent it to people who need to use it every single day (the snow we get here has been in such volumes that if it isn’t cleared). Exercising our dog. We definitely have more chores than just loading a dishwasher, and they are chores that need to be done every single night. The dog has to go out, the snow has to be cleared per our arrangement with the driveway renters. We do have to unpack, and set things up, and do house repairs to make this new home our own. I’m not saying my life is ALWAYS like this, but my life right now is basically 100% drudgery based on current circumstances and I am wondering if people have suggestions for how to cope during times like this.
Anonymous
Stop putting pressure on yourself to unpack all of your boxes all at once – you definitely don’t need to do that. It’s hard and stressful to move! And it sounds like you’re dealing with commute / car issues – all of those are stressful. Repeat to yourself “this too shall pass” and just move forward and take any pressure off of non-essential chores. Yes, the dog needs to go out and the driveway needs to be cleared, but you don’t need to unpack the entire dining room right this second.
KC
OP – I feel for you. We’ve had some snow and sleet storms this week where I live and my normal commute was 2-3x longer than normal. I arrived home in such a bundle of exasperated nerves that even reheating soup seemed like a struggle. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now (even if only temporarily!). Seconding the suggestion to take one night off if you can. Walk the dog and shovel snow, but the unpacking can wait an extra day. Do something relaxing whether it’s wine and a tv show, a bubble bath, or simply changing into pajamas and calling it a night at 9pm. Sometimes we all need to come up for air to readjust and continue the grind. Good luck and take care of yourself!
Anonymous
You just cope by coping. Recognize you’re in a hard place. A four hour commute is insane. Do you have a plan for a new car? Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel at all? None of what you described is small or insignificant, maybe you can help yourself by framing it as “I have a ton of hard things to do and I am doing them” and be proud of yourself.
In terms of reconnecting to your partner, the main thing you need is rest and time, the best thing would be to take a day or 2 off and just lie around in bed all day.
Your current lifestyle is not sustainable, see that and recognize it and give yourself credit for trudging on through this hard patch. Good news is winter won’t last forever and presumably you’ll get another car at some point. It won’t always be this bad. It’s just bad right now.
Abby
I moved this past spring into our house that needed a lot of work (especially our yard) and it felt neverending. I actually wasn’t even working at the time but everyday dragged on and I actually found myself not wanting kids because if it’s so difficult with just us 2 and a dog, how can we even manage a child?? I’d break everything down if I were you. During your long commute do any jobs or tasks that you can, calling people, emails, mindless scrolling on social media, making grocery lists or meal prepping. When you get home do a straight routine, walk the dog, unload the clean dishes, wash new dishes, then 1 big task for the night. Unpack half a box or organize a shelf. I wrote out a goal (or 3) for each week, and then tasked myself each day with what I want to do. It’s a lot less daunting. Talk with your partner about house goals and what NEEDS to happen first, and what you want to prioritize for the next few months or year. Do chores together – we did yard work last spring and took shots before and during and blasted music. It gets better! Then you get to a point where the house is livable and never want to move again. Try to think of things positively, you’re shoveling a lot of snow but that’s a great workout!
Anonymous
Omg you just moved and totaled your car? That is a completely different situation than regular normal life! Ignore my advice it’s completelh not applicable. Just do what you can to get through this rough patch
Skipper
I’m also a fan of pretending it’s not winter when doing boring stuff. You’re unpacking, so you probably have all your summer things right there. Crank up the heat, turn on every single light, throw on something summery, make a margarita, put on a beach movie or some summery music, and get to work on your chores.
JazzyRose
I love this summery idea!
anon
I moved to a larger home, which we own, in November. There seem to be a ton of projects, large and small, and it can be overwhelming. We do not have to shovel snow (SEUS), and I have a short commute, so I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be.
My advice is to rest and relax first. Do only essential tasks this weekend. Pick a few days where you zone out and read a book or listen to music or whatever on your commute. (The suggestion of doing paperwork and calls during your commute is a good one, but rest first.) You need some recovery before you can tackle big stuff again. Then make a plan.
If you have the funds to buy a new car now, and you use the car to get to work, handle that first.
Take a day off and finish unpacking everything that can be unpacked over a 3-day weekend. Call in friends or family to help if you need to. Unpacking will make you feel more organized and will be a huge weight off. For me, it was better to get it 90% of the unpacking done at once, rather than try to unpack one box per night for weeks. After you’re done, reward yourself with more rest.
Since we finished unpacking, DH and I have chosen one non-urgent house project per week/weekend (with some interruption for the holidays). We are learning things and working together, and our pace doesn’t really matter, so it does not feel like drudgery. It feels like we’re making a home. But if it can wait, wait until you have a car back, and you’re unpacked, and you’re done shoveling snow for the season. Spring is naturally a happy time to look forward and get a home in order, so I’d just take that pressure off yourself for a few months.
Anonymous
You had me until this. Your life is not 100% drudgery. You are not in prison. You are not fighting cancer. You are not caring for a sick/dying/disabled loved one. You are depressed and in a negative spot, and I truly get it, but you need to maintain perspective and practice gratitude. You moved into a new house with your partner. That’s something to be excited about, even if it involves chores. If you feel no joy and truly believe that your life is 100% drudgery, I must suggest everyone’s old stand-by of therapy.
OP
Thank you. Sincerely, thank you all, for the compassion and even for just reading. I supervise people at work and am the unofficial “household manager” at home, so I always feel pressure to keep it all together and to be “normal”, even when a situation is decidedly not. Thank you.
Anonymous
When I feel this way (in the midst of that now – there is literally so much stuff to do and I don’t have enough time and it’s been that way for weeks!!), I sometimes deliberately choose to not do chores that aren’t absolutely necessary in that moment and I have a lazy day where I watch movies, eat popcorn, etc.
Also, I totally feel you on not be able to afford outsourcing lots of maintenance tasks – I can’t either. But can you do things like buy a snow blower so you don’t have to physically shovel snow and it takes less time? Or plan on very easy slow cooker/pressure cooker dinners so you don’t have to think about food at all? I’ve started cooking almost all of my meals on Saturday/Sunday so that I only have to rewarm food after work, and I plan on 1-2 takeout meals per week.
Anon
Be as kind to yourself as possible. Shoveling will go away in a few short months. Do as much meal prep on Sunday as you can. Make big meals you can reheat (soups, lasagna), prep and pre-cook components you can throw together quickly into bowls or hearty salads. Do most of your cleaning on Saturday morning, blitz through the house together and get it done, then just do bare minimum maintenance the rest of the week. Can you sneak in a light workout at lunchtime, or a little time to yourself to do some yoga or stretching and meditation? A change of scene and light activity always help me when I’m that drudgery feeling is hovering over my shoulder.
Skipper
Take a break! My husband and I vacation in our guest room, just for a night or two. When you’re at a hotel, you basically have no responsibilities, right? It’s part of what makes a hotel relaxing. We makeup the guest bed with our favorite sheets and blankets, pile all the crap in there somewhere else, and light the fancy candles. We also do not cook anything. This doesn’t have to mean “ordering $75 worth of takeout.” That’s a frozen lasagna or some popcorn dolled up with spices and good salt and bagels and coffee for breakfast. Then we relax! Take a bubble bath, binge watch netflix, get out for run around the neighborhood, sleep late, have secs, sleep some more. The chores’ll be waiting when you get back. But you’ll feel better.
Vicky Austin
Totally stealing this.
JS
My partner was just laid off. What should I do to support him today?
Anonymous
Hugs. Listen.
Anonymous
Let him take a mental health day to be upset. Don’t pressure him to start applying for other jobs, refresh his resume, or file for unemployment (although that should be first on his list if he is going that route and soon) today. Let him be sad but also let him know you’re there to help in practical and logistical ways when he is ready. If he isn’t ready yet on Monday, then I have different advice. This happened to my husband (while I was in law school, so our only source of income), and he really needed a day to day and a half to process it all his own way. It definitely was a blessing in disguise, but really hard on him at first.
Anonymous
Give him a couple of days to grieve and work through his feelings. Then he can work on the practical things. Try to maintain a positive attitude and talk to a close friend about any feelings of panic or disappointment instead of unloading that on him. I felt guilty when I got let go and it didn’t help that my husband panicked and immediately started talking about whether we needed to sell the house. (Hint, we didn’t.) You can get through this.
anon
When I was laid off in 2009 (with a decent exit package, but super scared that I wouldn’t be able to get another job), my husband and I met for a cheap happy hour. Being out made it feel less depressing, but YMMV. We kept up the habit of finding cheap outings during my job hunt and called them “austerity dates.” I honestly miss them!
Anon
+1. I was also unemployed in 2009/2010 and my husband and I loved happy hours. He was in grad school so we were really really poor, and we often made happy hours into our one weekly dinner out (there were lots of restaurants in our area with $5 appetizers before 6 pm or something like that). I miss them too!
Idea
My sweetheart appreciated when he got laid off and I took him to a nice business-y lunch place (like, in-and-out in an hour, a waiter, lots of grilled chicken salads, that kind of thing) and we could talk as if we were in a business meeting.
He doesn’t have work! Yay! Go see a movie matinee!
Then, start (hopefully continue) networking, start applying…
Emma
Both me and my husband have been laid off and unemployed for portions of our (generally successful) careers. I would remind him that he’s more than his job, that you love him no matter what, that you will get through it together as a team, and that you are there for him. Then go do something fun.
Anon
DC people, would the bar Prequel in Foggy Bottom be good for a large group happy hour on a Wednesday? It came recommended but I don’t know the area. Any other recs welcome!
Anonymous
Yes. They let you have happy hour specials in the booths/tables, and it’s pretty large. Drinks are nothing special, but it’s a good place for a big group. It’s a restaurant incubator and I think the current pop-up is a Mexican place. Also, side note, I’m not sure I’d call this area Foggy Bottom…
Anon
Yeah, they do a great HH! That place is great. They just changed their menu and the tacos are great!! It’s plenty big for a large group.
Shower speakers
Does anyone listen to music/podcasts in the shower, and if so, what speakers or other tech do you use to make that possible? If it matters, I’m a podcasts person and I usually listen through Apple Podcasts on my phone. Thanks!
kk
We do. We had previously been putting our phones in the sink, as a physical amplifyer. At Christmas, I got my husband the Wonderboom bluetooth speaker (about $70) on Amazon. It now “lives” in the bathroom- we both use it on the shower shelf or on the bathroom counter while he’s shaving or I’m doing my hair. It’s small, loud, completely waterproof, and the volume buttons are easily manageable when your hands are wet. Credit goes to Forever35 who had it on their gift list.
Anon
Thank you for posting this question! I was just thinking about the need to get something like this so I can listen to podcasts or audiobooks while showering.
Anon
I bought a small suction cup one on amazon that was advertised as water proof. I think it was $20 and I would have filtered for 4+ stars or “amazon choice”. It’s on the wall where the curtain meets the wall so it’s not in direct water but it does get wet. I think I have to charge it every 1-2 months. Maybe twice I’ve not suctioned it right and it fell but it still works fine (and otherwise once it’s up and sticking it stays until I need to charge it again).
My family has a lake house with several small bluetooths for boating/beach /etc. they’ve all been no name brands and about $25 is our threshold for something that might get lost or damaged but they’ve all surpassed our expectations and withstood enough abuse that we’ve never been inclined to upgrade.
I’d start with something in that range and see how you use it and if you want a nicer one later it can be the thing you ask for at the holidays when you don’t know what to tell people to get you.
Anonymous
We have a Sonos system in our apartment and really like it. My husband recently received a Google Home for free, and we use that in the bathroom. I’m generally anti-Alexa and other devices that can listen in on you, but with Google Home you can turn off the microphone and play music through Spotify. I imagine it would work similarly with a podcast app.
Anonymous
I listen to podcasts and I found that the angle of my sink, if you set the phone into it right, amplifies the sound so I can hear it nicely and don’t have to add more technology. Might be worth a shot if your acoustics are right! (I also do this in my car)
Anonymous
You have a sink in your car?? (kidding)
Anonymous
Ha! No, I take advantage of the acoustics – my console shoots the sound right up at me if I position the phone right.
Shower speakers
Thanks everyone for the recs so far. I should’ve mentioned that I live in an apartment and the bathroom sink is against a wall I share with a neighbor, so I’m concerned that putting my phone in the sink would disturb the neighbor. So I’d prefer an actual thing that can go in/on the shower and doesn’t have to be quite as loud for me to hear it.
Green Hat
I second the rec for the Wonderboom – got it as a gift and it works great.
Anonymous
Vtin Portable Shower Speaker with 8W Big Sound , bought from A mazon. Don’t have to recharge often and it stays stuck on my tile (though it is at the end of the shower and doesn’t get wet). Sounds great to me, but I’m not an audiophile and use it almost exclusively for podcasts.
Anon
I know I need to go to a doctor for possible anxiety and depression. I have been putting it off for probably a year and I feel myself getting worse and worse. I moved to a new city last year and I don’t have a doctor yet. I’m overwhelmed by starting the whole process. I’m thinking I need a PCP for an initial physical (thyroid check, routine bloodwork) and then need to see a therapist. But what if the best course of action for me is medication and my therapist can’t prescribe medication? Do they refer me back to my PCP? I prefer not to have the back and forth. Should I seek out a psychiatrist instead? Psychologist? Anyone have recommendations in Richmond, VA? Also, do I show up to the therapy appointment and tell them I have concerns about anxiety and depression or do I just talk and let them figure it out? I don’t want to come off like I’m only looking for medication and not be taken seriously.
Anon
I should say I don’t want to come off like I know everything and I diagnosed myself
Anonymous
Start by booking a PCP appointment. They can order bloodwork, refer you to a therapist, and prescribe medication.
Focus on the first step. Just the first step. Not all the steps afterwards or it seems like an impossible mountain to climb.
Idea
This. Baby steps. Be kind to yourself, like you would to a baby. Just do one thing.
Aurora
I don’t know if this is available in your area, but I found a great practice in my area just by looking on Google that has multiple practioners and both psychiatrists and talk therapy, which is really convenient. I did an intake interview where I told them what I was interested in (meds because I was feeling anxious and depressed) and my symptoms, and they matched me with both a psychiatrist and a psychologist who fit my needs and personality. You can also ask for referrals from a PCP of course. And it’s totally fine to ask in an initial interview with a talk therapist what their philosophy on medication is and if they would be willing to refer you to someone as part of your therapy. I think a combination of meds and talk therapy works better than talk therapy or meds alone so it’s good to have someone who’s on board with that idea from the start.
Mrs. Jones
When I first sought treatment for depression, I made appointments with both a psychiatrist and a therapist. When they asked why I was there, I told them I thought I was depressed. I changed psychiatrists and therapists a couple of times before I found ones I liked. Obviously YMMV. Good luck!
Anon OP
If you don’t mind sharing, what made you change providers? I’m worried I won’t recognize whether it’s a good fit for me since I’m dreading the whole thing anyway
pugsnbourbon
Not Mrs. Jones, but I’ve also switched therapists before. With one, she didn’t really seem to be listening to me and was pretty unresponsive to what I said. That can work for some people, but I need more back and forth. I went twice and then sent an email saying I didn’t think we were a good fit (after agonizing about it for hours of course). For another, it was super obvious that it wasn’t going to work out within the first 10 minutes (she was kinda rude! which is very unusual) and I just ghosted.
Starting with a therapist can be exhausting and I hear you on feeling dread. Take it a step at a time. I hope you start feeling better soon.
Mrs. Jones
I just didn’t feel very comfortable with the first couple of treaters so I switched till I found ones I liked.
Anon
I’ve left a therapist who referenced schools of thought that I thought was fooey (I promise I’m not Ellen). She billed herself as a CBT but then starting talking about shakras, energies, and how the season and weather you’re born affects your future psychology. Interesting but not helpful. I kept looking until I felt comfortable. For me that was a secularly trained therapist using CBT and science backed therapy tools with a shared and/or respectful use of faith as a healing tool. There are all types of therapists out there, find the one that models or respects your values and opinions but uses tools you don’t have to help resolve your issues.
Anonymous
I had no idea where to start either but the first thing I did was tell my PCP and my gyno (happened to have appointments within days of each other). PCP listened, believed me and prescribed an anti-depressant, with follow-ups to confirm it was working. My gyno checked my thyroid (bingo, also a problem there). I also saw a therapist, who recommended a supplemental anti-depressant and my PCP agreed and prescribed that, as well. My experience has been if you speak up and say that you are struggling your PCP and/or gyno will listen and help guide you.
ATL rette
My PCP prescribes my anxiety/meds. I went to her, told her what was going on, she suggested trying meds and therapy first, gave me some recommendations for therapists. I then tried therapy and hated it, but the meds worked for me so that’s what I do. If I need the dose tweaked, I tell her why I think they need to be adjusted and she decides what to do.
I’d suggest talking to your PCP first and being very honest and then go from there. You may just benefit from therapy, you may need medication (it took me a couple different ones to find one that worked well), but your PCP is a good place to start and far less intimidating than going to a psychiatrist straight off the bat.
Anon OP
Thanks for the reply. I think I’m intimidated all together because I don’t have a PCP since I just moved (never really had one before anyway). So it will all still be new and they don’t know me.
anonanon
Start with your PCP. They can prescribe meds. Keep in mind it can take 4-6 weeks for meds to fully take effect, so the sooner the better. Ask your PCP for therapist names.
(Or, if you are me, you will say “I am having a really hard time” and burst into tears, and then your doc will immediately start talking about the different SSRIs that could help.)
You got this.
Shanananana
this is 100% how I ended up with a prescription as well. I think it’s more common than we think judging by my PCP’s reaction.
Anonymous
Me too!
Idea
If you have a job with an Employee Assistance Program, start there. They can help you find a doctor. A regular PCP is a good start. Call your EAP, please!
Anon OP
Thank you all for the replies. I just booked a physical with an MD nearby for next Friday (shocked I was able to get something so quickly). I’m still dreading it but somehow looking forward to it at the same time. I hope she can steer me in the right direction with the rest of the process.
JazzyRose
I will say, that unless you’re in a managed care plan that requires you to get referrals in a certain order, just start calling all types of providers now. It can be hard to get in with psychiatrists especially and professionals know that you might see more than one to find one that meshes well with you. Just get the ball rolling and keep it rolling (and as someone who suffers from depression and needs to make these therapy appts myself, I know its easier said than done.)
Anonymous
And if you are in a managed care type plan- I have Kaiser and was very easily able to get a diagnosis from my pcp, get a quick urgent therapy appointment, and get on the phone with a psychiatric PA to discuss pros and cons of meds — pcp would have prescribed but I wanted a much more detailed conversation and rationale for which med to try first if any.
Bette
Where can I buy a really nice, high quality suit in New York? Not BR, AT, JCrew–nicer than that. Stores and/or brand recommendations welcome!
DC
I like Max Mara for this.
Anonymous
Barney’s!
BB
Paul Stuart. They will also make suits for you in a range of fabrics. It’s not totally made to measure because they will basically take one of their standard cuts and make it for you in a different fabric. Kiton does made to measure, I believe if that’s in your price range.
Anonymous
Visit the Lafayette 148 Studio, their on site location in NY. The stylists are really helpful.
Dating Help
I met a guy on Bumble and we talked on Bumble for a while. I prefer to meet in person pretty quickly, but due to scheduling issues we are planning to meet this weekend, about 2 weeks since we started talking. After about a week of texting on Bumble, we moved to regular texting. When texting on Bumble, there were no issues or red flags. He seemed nice, normal, etc. Once we moved to texting, things got kind of weird. He calls me “sweets” and “love” all the time. He has time off from work soon and when I asked him if he had plans, he said “hopefully spending time with you.” And he asked me to send him pic of my face! We went about 36 hours without communication and he told me that he figured I moved on and he didn’t want to get his hopes up. Is this normal flirting behavior or is he a weirdo?
Anon
I think he might be awkward but I wouldn’t jump right to weirdo. I’d still meet him IRL and see if there are any sparks.
Anonymous
Perfectly normal.
givemyregards
I think if *you* find it weird, then it’s weird. Maybe some other person out there would like that, but it sounds like you don’t (I wouldn’t either, that kind of behavior would totally creep me out from someone I’d never met in person before). This might be overreacting to others but I would cancel the date. I just think if someone is already whining “oh I guess you’ve moved on,” 36 hours without a text when you haven’t had a real date yet, what are they going to be like as an actual boyfriend??
Anon2
I’d disagree. Nothing indicated that he “whined” about moving on – he thought she ghosted him and so responded by respecting the ghost. That’s a good sign. I’m not sure the extent of the communication between OP and the guy in the first few weeks but if it’s to the extent of when you are really interested in someone, so very frequent (ex. hubs and I texted and emailed for three weeks before meeting face to face but were in contact several times a day and really got to know one another in writing well) he may think she’s very interested and he’s expressing excitement to meet her.
Idk, maybe it’s a regionally cultural thing (I’m in the south where it is normal to verbally express emotion – I find northern commenters here and friends irl tend to not be as comfortable with early emotional or physical displays of affection) but I think it’s sweet and he was direct about what he wants and how he feels – that he’s excited to meet OP. To clarify it’s sweet only in the context that he thought OP backed off and respected that. Trust me 36 hrs of no contact (with no warning that you’ll be busy) with someone you’ve been communicating with everyday for weeks – I would read that the person had moved on/ghosted me as well.
BabyAssociate
I say go with your gut instinct. I agree that that is odd behavior in someone you’ve never met and you probably wouldn’t be a good match.
Anonymous
Weird. If he’s this clingy and overly familiar just because you gave him your number, what’s he going to be like once you go on a date?
I’ll also put in a trust-your-instinct plug. We internet strangers obviously do not know all the circumstances. If you’re getting a weird or creepy vibe then under no circumstances should you give him more access to you or be alone with him. Unfortunately, I’ve basically learned to stop asking questions like this of my friends. They always say ohhhh just give him a chance – basically like what Anon above said (not to pick on you)! And then I go forward, even though I’m feeling uncomfortable, only to have my intuition confirmed sometimes in a scary way. There is a reason you’re feeling uncomfortable. Trust yourself. Do not go out with him.
givemyregards
+1 and this is basically what I was trying to say in my own response. In my experience with dating apps, guys that are this overly familiar early on tend to do something really weird later if given the chance. I went on a first date with someone who I realized later had built up a whole relationship in his head (before our first date!) and he freaked out when I didn’t want to go on a second one and I had to block him/was terrified of running into him. As you point out, we internet strangers don’t really know the details of the situation, but this felt familiar to me.
Anon
Agree. Awkward but not weird. I’ve dated a few guys like this and what I’ve deduced is that sometimes if you’ve been communicating for a few weeks, you have I’m sure exchanged a lot of information and he may feel reasonably “early dating” close to you mentally despite not meeting in person (sapio***ual etc.). Also, some guys call the women in their lives endearing nicknames across the board, so it could be a result of that (I have many male friends who call all female friends and relatives “love” or “dear” – just a personality quirk and in the south). Honestly I think the fact that he voluntarily backed off after he thought you lost interest is a good sign! Not clingy, respectful of your wishes (though a little low in the self-confidence arena).
January
I mostly agree with what everyone else said, but slight twist. I think this is normal app-dating behavior on his part, but you may still find him weird — in the sense of not a good fit. Different people operate at different speeds, and I probably would have written this guy off in my mind as needy, as you seem to want to do.
That said, I also once met a guy who freaked me out by addressing me as “love” before we’d gone on a date, and it turns out he just calls everyone that. (I know because we later became friends on Facebook).
DCR
I would be fine writing that guy off personally, because I find anyone who I’m not sleeping with calling me love offensive
Anon
Right? And she hasn’t even met the guy! I like constant communication and expressing enthusiasm to see me, but no “sweetie” or “love” when we haven’t yet met!
Candidate
I have a slightly frivolous, but 100% fashion-related question. Do you tuck your shirts in? When and with what outfits? I realized yesterday that I really like the nipped-in waist look with an a-line skirt and a nice top, on other people, but I rarely or never tuck in my own shirts (I’m in a business casual office, so no suits). Most of my bottoms hit either at my hips or a bit below my waist (most of my pants) or at a high waist (one pair of pants and two skirts) rather than at the natural waist. Sometimes I tuck a flowy or drapey top into the high waist, but I find myself doing that less and less. Is tucking out of style or something?
Anon
I am pear-shaped and have a narrow waist, so I prefer this look to highlight my waist. However, I think it is hard to do right now.
Skirts– I used to tuck in thin sweaters or drapey/flowey tops into pencil skirts. I still do this, but as some commenters have noted recently, the look feels a little dated to me. I have also been having trouble recently finding tops/sweaters that I like that fit this look, so I will probably stop this whenever the clothes I currently have wear out. The trick is that the top has to be thin enough to not show under the skirt when it’s tucked and fitted in a way that you look balanced, i.e., if it’s too oversized it looks funny to me.
Pants— Pants that are more fitted/leggingish and high wasited seem more in right now and look better on me. Tucking into a high waisted legging just shows a lot. Trousers are more appropriate for tucking but don’t seem to be as in for biz cas to me and are harder to get the right fit.
Dresses– I belt my dresses to show off my waist. This has become almost necessary for me since I normally have to buy a size up to accommodate my hips, and if I don’t belt, then I look like a blob.
So… conclusion is that I don’t think tucking is out as much as fashion right now makes it hard to do (at least for me).
Anon
I just plain ole look better with my shirts tucked in, so I do it almost exclusively now. It took me a while to get there though bc most of my friends look better untucked. Often I do the half-tuck with casual wear, like jeans.
Mpls
I don’t tuck (usually) because I’m short waisted. By leaving the hem out, I can cheat that visual line lower so it’s more proportional.
Also, with the skinny pant trend, I think it is more common to not tuck.
If I were wearing wider leg pants or an A-line skirt, then I would tuck, or go for a cropped length to hit at my waist.
Idea
I am pear with short waist, and short height, and now… a lot of weight. I rarely if ever tuck my shirts in and mostly think that I look better that way. It covers my lumps brings down the division of my torso and legs to be a little lower – so yes my legs look shorter, I guess, but my torso look more proportional. I do wear belts and otherwise try to draw attention to my narrow waist and other areas, I guess. But generally I don’t tuck unless going for a very formal look.
OG vs OMG
I’m starting a new job next month, my suede Mark & Graham tote has had it, and I want to treat myself to a new bag. Should I go with the O.G. or O.M.G.? I want to be able to fit a laptop, shoes, my Pearl bag, lunch and calendar in it. Thanks!
RR
I’d do an O.G. for this. Full disclosure, I’ve never had the O.M.G. I have a T.T. and an O.G., and I’d need the O.G. to fit everything you list. (I frequently carry all the things you list–laptop, iPad, small redweld, bullet journal, lunch, shoes, random office supplies, wallet, pen pouch, etc.)
OG vs OMG
Thanks! I feel like O.G. is the right option, too.
Anonymous
I felt like the OG was too big unless you are only using it as a travel/overnight bag. My friend is comparing the two now and just borrowed my OMG for this. YMMV based on your frame, but I felt the size different made a big difference between “work bag” and “too big”
Anonymous
If you want to carry lunch, shoes, and a smaller purse, you definitely need the OG instead of the OMG. I would try other brands of bags, too, though. The OG is narrow at the top and doesn’t zip very far down the sides, which makes it surprisingly difficult to see and access the contents. The shoe pocket on the bottom is also awkward to use. I wish I’d tried out the Dagne Dover Legend before I purchased my OG, because the Legend looks so much easier to access.
anon
Agree that between those two bags, you need the OG. I have and love the OMG, but I wouldn’t be able to fit everything you describe in it–laptop, shoes, Pearl, and calendar, yes, but probably not lunch too.
Charmed
I think it depends on your height. I’m 5’2″ and had an OMG and it was a great size for me. I have an OG that is just too big all over. It’s a gorgeous color and I’ve barely used it, but I think I’m going to sell it because it doesn’t work for me.
Anonymous
Has anyone gotten their ears re-pierced? I haven’t worn earrings in at least 2 years, probably closer to 3. I stopped because my ears would feel irritated by the end of the day. I’d like to start wearing earrings again, but I’m really hesitant to just find a sharp pair of earrings and just shove them in there… I got my ears pierced when I was 12 and I feel like they never healed properly or something
Anonymous
I rarely wear earrings and have probably gone at least 2 years without wearing them multiple times. I’ve had pierced ears since 6. With the caveat that I never had issues with never feeling like they healed properly or something, they have never closed up. If it has been a while, I’m more gentle when I push through, I guess. But the holes are there to stay.
KonMari Addict
Yes – go to a real piercer and they should be able to tell you what your options are. In my case, while they seemed closed to me, they were not fully healed, so it was a simple and painless process. Bring a pair of small stud earrings with you. If you happen to be in NYC, I can recommend a place.
Anonymous
If your ears are feeling irritated, consider whether you have a sensitivity to nickel or silver. I found that when I switched to gold (not gold-plated) or platinum that my ears were far less irritated at the end of the day.
Anon
Go to a piercing shop, not a Claire’s in the mall with a nervous teenager and a piercing gun. You want to go to someone who pierces all day long. They will hook you right up.
Cat
Do you have a PCP? My doctor’s office did ear piercings and that’s where my mom took me when I was a teen.
You may have a metal sensitivity, but the piercing-gun earrings should be hypoallergenic.
anon
I was in this exact situation, and I did just get a pair of sharp gold earrings and push them in. I had a few days of soreness, but it was honestly way less of a big deal than I’d expected.
Anon
I just used a sharp pair of earrings for mine. It had probably been longer than 3 years (granted this was a piercing at the top of my ear, not in the lobe). The earring just went straight through it – no pain, no bleeding, etc.
Anon
I’ve had similar issues. My first earring hole I received as a baby and it was pierced at an angle and always seems to have some sort of crust after I wearing studs for too long (basically never really healed). My second piercing has no issues. So I don’t have a recommendation on a place to get a piercing but I do recommend going to a tattoo/piercing parlor and get it done with a needle. I’ve only heard bad things from piercing guns. But my piercing by hand with one smooth movement with a thin piercing needle hurt for about 15 seconds and very little afterwards and I’ve had no issues (also in the lobe).
Anonymous
Same here. I stopped wearing earrings regularly when I had my first kid, 5 years ago. They hurt whenever I tried to wear earrings. What finally worked was cleaning both earrings and my ears with rubbing alcohol before putting them in, and starting with very light earrings for only half a day. Then I worked up to a full day. After that I was good and back to wearing my old earrings.
anne-on
Yes, I asked my dermatologist about it and he told me they’d never healed properly (thx Claire’s!). He re pierced them with a smaller then a larger gauge needle by hand. Hurt more than I expected but easy enough and now much much easier to wear earrings!
eertmeert
I got mine repeirced at a local tattoo/piercing shop. I yelped for options, first. Turned out one of mine was more closed than the other. I ended up with the boring surgical steel hoop for maybe 6 weeks to ensure healing went well, and have had no problems since.
Remote employee
How much of your own money, if any, would you use to make a non-essential visit to your employer if you’re a remote employee?
Backstory: I’ve been a remote employee for several years now, and my new(ish) manager has repeatedly suggested I visit her office location to meet her and other execs in person. This would, undoubtedly, be good for my career; however, there’s “no budget” to pay for my travel. My in-laws live about 45 min from the office, so I could add an extra day to a trip to visit them — but this would add an extra night of hotel expenses plus a rental car (we can’t stay with in-laws; their house is too small). In the NYC area, this means probably ~$300 out of pocket minimum.
Part of me wants to make the investment in my career, but another part of me says I’ve been doing great for the last nine years with this company that just reported many billions in revenue, and I don’t need to spend the money if they can’t be bothered to come up with a few hundred dollars. What’s reasonable here?
Anon
If you haven’t met your manager, I would go. I mean, not if it’s going to cost $3k or something, but if you can do it for a reasonable price and especially if you can combine it with a trip to see family, I’d go.
Anon
No, definitely don’t pay for it. Tell your employer you’d love to visit once the travel budget becomes available. Do NOT set that precedent.
Anonymous
One night in a hotel room. If I had to fly, I don’t know if I’d do it, TBH, unless I could combine wit with something else. I’d probably try to negotiate at least partial expenses.
Anonymous
None unless it is in your contract. They need to fork up the money. Once you start doing this they will expect more.
Anonymous
I would definitely not spend your own money on this. It would set a bad precedent. If it’s important to the company for you to make an in-person appearance, the company will foot the bill.
For reference, we have several employees who work remotely for personal reasons (e.g., spouse’s job relocated), and we pay to bring them in to the office two or three times a year.
Anonymous
I would push back on the “no budget” thing. Sure, you might feel like you are on the back foot since working remotely is a perk for many people. BUT, for the past several years you haven’t been drinking the company coffee, using their desks, you’ve probably used fewer sick days… surely they can scrounge up a couple hundred bucks. Maybe the problem is that they are being weirdly resistant to a new category of expenses. Maybe I’m wrong, just a thought.
Anon
Is remote unusual for your role such that it’s already an accommodation they are making for you and it is otherwise a really long commute of your choosing? Was there any sort of arrangement contemplated when you initially went remote?
I think these would be key factors – regular employees aren’t usually compensated for commuting costs and by allowing remote most of the time you aren’t paying those so maybe it averages out? On the other hand, if site visits weren’t part of the deal when you started being remote it doesn’t sit right with me to ask you to pay now. Will they start expecting quarterly (some other fequency) visits? Can you split the cost or pay once but agree future trips are to be expensed?
Remote employee
Remote status is unusual but not unprecedented in my department; employer made an accommodation for me due to my husband’s active duty military status. So that is a good point for me to consider, especially as another move is coming up (which I haven’t disclosed…). This may be the time to build goodwill. Thank you all for your input!
Anon
No, you’re looking at this wrong. This is not the same thing as commuting. This is a business trip and that means the business should pay for it.
Anon
Nah, I agree with Anon at 12:14. If employer offered her this as a special accommodation, there’s definitely more obligation for her to go back to the main office, even at her own expense. It’s pretty standard for that to be an express part of a remote work agreement, and even if it isn’t, I’d understand why the employer expects it (within reason, obviously she shouldn’t be flying there every couple of weeks).
Anon
Nope. Business travel, business pays for it. Otherwise it should have been an explicit part of the agreement when OP started working remotely.
Anon
I don’t see it as “business travel.” She’s allowed to work from home because she has a very long, very expensive commute. That’s not the same thing as the employer sending you to a different place on their behalf.
Anon
I’m a remote employee and all of my trips to our offices to meet with people are business travel. I’ve being sent away from my designated (home) office to another office. It’s different if she lives 45 miles away from an office and she used to come in but works at home to avoid a commute, that is not really business travel, but if it’s a distant office they need to pay.
Anon
Agreed it’s not the same as commuting if it’s part of the original agreement one way the other. The op didn’t specify which is why I asked the questions and tried to present different considerations that might influence a reasonable person’s thought process. Many places have varying levels of accommodations and I’ve known individuals with a wide range of what was agreed with their employer based on their circumstances. Another poster below indicated they paid on their own but felt otherwise compensated for the additional costs. I indicated in my original post that I wouldn’t want to pay if it wasn’t part of the original agreement.
However, you are the one looking at it wrong if you’re looking at it without all the information.
Remote employee
No office visits were required as part of the agreement, although I have occasionally driven 3.5 hrs back to my original office (where I worked before I became remote) for big meetings when execs visited. I always stayed with family and friends, though. Anyway…thanks so much for all the input. I’m going to ask for hotel and rental car, to be covered but I’m not hopeful.
Anonymous
I would use exactly zero of my own dollars for this. ZERO. Don’t spend your own money, your boss is being ridiculous.
Signed, 100% remote worker who flies to the main US office a couple times a year for parties.
Minnie Beebe
This.
DO NOT SPEND YOUR OWN MONEY ON THIS.
You are less expensive as a remote employee (the company does not need to provide office space for you.) If they want you to visit the home office, they need to pay for it. Period.
Anon
It’s ridiculous that there is no budget for your trip. I’d visit when I could tag it onto a trip I was already making, say to visit the in-laws, but I wouldn’t do a stand-alone trip on my own dime. That sets a bad precendent. If your company really wants you to visit on their schedule, then they pay for the trip.
Idea
The problem I found as a remote employee was when I was going to visit framily near the home office… it was a holiday weekend or whatever reason the people I wanted to see at the home office were not there. Sad trombone sound.
Anon
I would talk to them about paying for the hotel and rental car only. Gently push back if you hear “no.”
Anonymous
If it’s just a few hundred dollars and you’ve been there for nine years without meeting any execs face to face, I would probably do it once. I would be careful though if it seems like your new manager values face time and is going to expect more. Does your budget year run to the end of March and if so could you suggest that if she wants you in the office she needs to account for it in the new financial year?
Emma
I telecommute and my boss had been very cool about the whole situation (not the avg working situation for most people at my company). I mostly visit the office as tacked on to other work trips and can comp a lot of the expenses… however, I budget about 6k a year for random non-covered work travel expenses. This is because my living situation is particularly complicated and is not the fault of my employer. I have to say, part of the ‘my manager being awesome’ is that I have gotten consistent raises under her for being so flexible that more than make up for the out of pocket expenses. I would definitely go at least once to meet your new boss.
Anon
If she wants you there, then she can find a way to pay for it. I would not spend any of my own money on this.
Anonymous
None. Absolutely none.
Anon
Looking for ideas from lawyers and recovering lawyers:
One of my friends is in a “wish she knew then what she knows now” position re: law school. She graduated several years ago, struggled to find any sort of legal employment (bad economy, law school’s career services was useless, not great law school), and has been temping. She’s licensed, but is obviously looking for permanent work.
What type of work can one get with a JD and not much substantive experience? She’s not looking to be a BigLaw partner, obviously, but would like a middle-class job that pays the bills and gives her benefits.
Are there good ways to get substantive experience so she can be a better candidate?
Anonymous
Maybe she could look for a job in compliance or QA? I work in the pharma industry and we have to, well, comply a lot.
Anon
I will suggest that, thank you!
Anon0321
2nding compliance. I started as a contractor and it took a few years to make enough connections to get a permanent job…. but 10 years out from law school I’m in such a great place.
Another route I was going prior to full time employment was teaching at community colleges in paralegal programs. I’m pretty sure had I stuck to that path I’d be full time now.
Mpls
+1 to regulatory/compliance work (I’m in medical device). These don’t tend to be JD-required positions, but we’ve got a substantial minority of those positions filled by recovering (or active) JDs.
Medical device/pharma will have those (highly regulated industries), and they are usually seperate from the legal department. She can also look for other industries that have a regulatory agency looking at them (finance/SEC, oil/gas/EPA, etc.). I think it helps to also have some other demonstrable connection to the field (ugrad major, work experience, etc.).
CL
Contracts (commercial or federal) would work such as contract manager or specialist.
not OP
Suggestions on where to look for compliance jobs? In healthcare law, so I’m familiar with HCCA, but didn’t know if there were other industry specific resources
anon0321
I look @ linked in- I keyword search the regulatory agencies/laws I deal with and that usually gets a great list of open positions. Or look at specific companies– I do oil stuff, but my husband is in healthcare stuff- I’d look up what large corporations are in the city you want to be, because that will limit the choices a lot unless you want to be in DC or SF. Also, check the fed & state regulator sites if you are ok with (probably) a pay cut.
I agree, for both of our jobs JDs are not required, but they only will hire JDs or SMEs in that field (so engineers for my group, drs & pharmacists for my husbands). Just an FYI- I haven’t found recruiters to generally understand compliance stuff in case someone tries to steer you in that direction.
Is it Friday yet?
This was also my thought – I work for a hospital system and we have loads of JDs floating around in compliance, a few in HR, and our C-Suite.
anon
When my boyfriend was in this position he ended up getting a PhD. I don’t recommend that at all unless you really want to teach.
But, if she wanted to go back to school to get a masters to increase her skill set to get in a different area, its not a terrible idea. Specifically thinking about a program dealing with medical administration or public/environmental affairs.
anon
A friend in NY whose law career never really took off became a realtor–apparently if you have passed the bar, it is much easier to get a realtor license. That would be totally different than a corporate job, but I mention it in case she is looking to make a sharp turn.
Or she could try to go to a legal vendor (either a legal recruiting firm, doc review management, etc.). Informational interviews and networking are the path there.
anon0321
It’s much easier to become a broker, which is a great thing to have as a realtor.
Aurora
I worked in crisis communications before law school and had exactly two types of bosses – former attorneys and former journalists/editors of major publications. I really liked it as a law-adjacent job, although it had many of the same pitfalls as BigLaw (billable hours depending on the case, unpredictable hours, demanding/stressful situations). Basically, we worked for companies in bankruptcy or undergoing public scrutiny due to securities investigations/class action lawsuits/etc., so a JD was helpful to understand what was going on in the courtroom and explain its practical significance to the rest of the world (the press, company investors and employees, etc.). Might be something she can look into.
Anon
I would imagine you’d have to have that substantive legal experience, though, to be really good at that kind of work.
Aurora
Not really. More than half of the folks I worked with had no legal background at all. They just picked up what they needed to know on the legal side as they went along. Having a JD gives you more credibility with some folks, but really it gets you hired because it shows you have the skills needed for the job (good writing and analytical skills, ability to problem solve, comfortable working with clients and/or public speaking). I knew nothing about the law when I started and I picked it up pretty quickly.
Equestrian Attorney
A friend of mine in this position works for an environmental think thank – not in a legal position per se but they like her legal background for research. It’s not extremely well paid but she leads a comfortable life with low stress and regular hours. Another person I know works in insurance as a claim processor. Other people I know in this position work as paralegals – might be a fall in prestige but some positions are interesting and decently paid.
OP
Thank you all! Such good ideas, and I could actually see some of them being a really good fit for her.
Tunics
I am looking for tunics, and shopping time is limited. What are the best brick and mortar places to find nice opaque tunics that aren’t thin material to wear with booties and leggings during evenings on a ski vacation?
Anon
I think althleta or title nine. One of those athleisure/lifestyle type stores
Anon
Also, Lululemon
Lululemon. Maybe.
I find Lululemon to be VERY limited in things that are (a) warm and (b) cover your bottom like a tunic. I love Lululemon but I am not a super fan of them for non-workout wear because I feel a bit exposed by how short most tops are. That said, they have a wool-blend sweater hoodie tunic and a sweatshirt-y jacket thing that meet this qualification.
I also found a nice thin, cowl neck tunic top at Target but it was on clearance so maybe check online for what’s actually available near you.
I’m a bit afraid that the tunic with leggings look is on its way out (already out?) based on the minimal options available. I am struggling with this possibility myself. I am wondering if I am the only woman who doesn’t mind all her curves (ALL) on display.
Anonymous
Lululemon is really hit or miss with tunics. I got a great cowlneck sweatshirt tunic there this fall that would be perfect for apres-ski, but it sold out very quickly.
Nordstrom had quite a few tunic sweaters earlier in the season.