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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
Cute top. Does anyone know how Tibi fits?
BB
I promise this isn’t a troll post – I have a genuine question. I’m moving US cities and want to move my rifle with me. Has anyone flown with firearms in checked baggage? Is it pretty straightforward? All the airline sites seem to just say I check it in with them (locked, no ammo, etc), declare it’s a firearm, pick it up at the destination airport – no problem. Is it actually that simple? How much extra time should I be planning for to check it in? I’d be taking it with me on my last trip out of my old city, so don’t have flexibility to leave it and come back for it later.
Anonymous
I live in the SEUS and that is my understanding. There may be a dealer in your city who can answer questions (or direct you to TSA’s website). It may be worth calling the airport to talk to a live person just to ensure you’re on the same page with expectations and planning.
Anonymous
It isn’t that simple and this site isn’t a good resource. You need to familiarize yourself with your airline’s policy and the laws of where you are flying to.
Anon
What a helpful answer!
Cat
Not personally but from what I understand, yes, it is that simple. The fact that baggage claim is so very not secure — when anyone off the street can walk in and join someone who has a firearm in their bag — is scary.
On a lighthearted note, people will joke that it’s the only 100% certain way to make sure an airline will not lose your bag.
navychica
I don’t know that you’ll get too many replies here. Have you looked into shipping them through an FFL? When we picked up grandfather-in-law’s old guns, we had to move them from Colorado to Virginia. My husband did the research, but said it’d be easier and cheaper to have an FFL in CO ship them to an FFL near our house.
anon
Was also thinking this. If this is stressing you out, look into shipping it instead.
Anon
First, ensure that you have the permit for it in your new state.
But yes, I think it is actually that easy. Just do not bring ammo and check it in a hard sided case.
FWIW, one if my friends flew with like seven swords (real, not replica) in checked baggage.
Anon
+1 My husband carries a knife with him and has put it in checked luggage multiple times with no issues.
Anon
I get that you’re trying to be helpful, but that is absolutely not the same thing.
anon
I mean, I think so. Read the TSA info about what kind of case you need to have for it. I would plan enough time that you would be able to open the lock if they wanted to inspect it. And check the laws of whatever jurisdiction you are moving to — some have a time-sensitive registration requirement.
Anon
I have some quirky coworkers who have done it because they’re concerned about important things (computer equipment mostly) getting lost, and luggage with firearms are pretty tightly tracked for obvious reasons. You’d probably have more luck asking on Reddit or one of those places, but you should call your particularly airline for the process because you would check in with them.
BB
Thanks for all the responses so far! I have done a lot of checking on the laws in the 2 states (I’m lucky that it’s reciprocal for the time being and I’ll apply for a new license once I have my new IDs and everything). I’ll also look into having an FFL ship it.
Anon
I live in Alaska, so 1) lots of people with guns and 2) you have to fly to get anywhere and I do think it’s that simple. But I would imagine a call to the customer service line of the airline of your choice would be very helpful in this situation!
Anon
I’ve only been to Alaska once but when we landed in Anchorage they made an announcement over the PA about where to claim your checked guns. I always think of Alaska when I hear about flying with guns.
friend of hunters
Yes, I do believe it is this simple. I asked some hunting friends about it one time and was surprised.
cq
Yes – I’ve flown with handguns in checked baggage. Check the rules for your specific airline (as you know) but the general procedure is to have the gun unloaded with ammo separate in a locked case, in your locked suitcase. Arrive at the airport early and check in with airline personnel. Tell them you have a firearm to declare, and they will ask you to open the suitcase to show them. They’ll give you a special tag, and the suitcase is checked as normal. I know you said rifle, so this will be slightly different for you, but that’s the procedure I’ve followed several times with no issues. For your peace of mind, it may be helpful for you to print off your airline’s policies just in case you have a new employee and need to show them.
DCP
I’ve flown with my husband when he’s checked guns from WA to VA and it really is that simple, but to be fair he was familiar with the regulations from having done it several times before. There’s a special counter to check these types of items and there was no one else in line so it was very fast. Although I image if there were a few people in front of you who weren’t super familiar with the process (like every car rental line) it could take a few minutes.
Anon100
oooh I love this top! Although the price not so much… Maybe for about 1/10 of this price?
Equestrian attorney
Honestly I could perhaps bring myself to pay this much for a top but not for a top that is 95% polyester.
Ellen
You have to be very rich to buy this top, and then hope your manageing partner approves of it. I will not go for this mainly b/c as a partner, I want to save the company money, even tho I would look nice with this top. Sometimes, fruegality should prevail, as there are a lot of starving children in Eastern Europe and Africa, and it is sinful for us to spend $300 on a top, when it could feed 300 people a decent meal over there. So I do recycle my clotheing at Goodwill and will not spend to much money this season on clotheing unless I replace the recycled clotheing with new clothes that the manageing partner wants. YAY!!
CapHillAnon
Good morning. Does anyone have a Rothy’s code to share? Also, do I size up if I’m getting the round toe flats? Thanks!
Anon
I do! https://share.rothys.com/x/4yYqxL. No data on the round, but have the point and sized up 1/2 a size. I was worried I was going to be stepping out of the back, but they fit perfectly.
Anonymous
Here you go! https://share.rothys.com/x/2pFuHn
Anonymous
I usually wear an 8 in most shoes. I need to size up to a 9 in the points but can wear an 8 in the round toe. Enjoy! https://share.rothys.com/x/skp8lm
Anon Lawyer
I sized up half a size on the round flats and they fit perfectly.
Rothy Anon
Here you go: https://share.rothys.com/x/q7nJEg
I size up a half size in the point, but normal size in the round toe.
You are going to love them!
Portia
I sized up .5 in the pointy toe flats but wear my regular size in the round flats.
Aggie
Same. I also sized up .5 in the loafer so it could slip on and off easier.
Anonome
I needed to round up a whole size in the points, and a half size in the rounds.
CapHillAnon
Thanks everyone!
Anon
So who do we think offed Epstein, Trump or the Clintons? My money is on Trump. Thank god he got Barr in place just in time!
(Tongue-in-cheek…ish).
Anon
I don’t think either Bill Clinton or Trump actually used Epstein’s services – did they socialize with him and ignore his pedophilia? Sure. But I think both of those guys like their women of legal age (barely). I think he committed suicide but if someone offed him it wasn’t either of those two.
Anonymous
I think he committed suicide, that nothing about the situation is a fun tongue in cheek situation and that it is a travesty we should all be ashamed of that he wasn’t on suicide watch.
Anon
It was more of a sarcastic commentary on the extremely suspicious circumstances of his death than a “tee-hee whodunnit” post.
Anon
Are the circumstances of his death that suspicious? I agree that he should have been on suicide watch, but prisons often miss people who should be on suicide watch and don’t many people attempt and commit suicide in prison. Is there something I missed about this particular situation that makes it unique?
Anon
He’d already attempted suicide a few weeks ago so he was already on watch. That’s why people are questioning how it came to happen.
Anon
The fact that he was a) not on suicide watch and b) moved to a new single (rather than double) cell under direct orders from Barr (which is most unusual) is suspicious indeed.
Anon
I read a piece over the weekend (CNN or NYT, don’t remember…) that said formal “suicide watch” is only a 24-48 hour thing in most cases. The official designation means you have 24-hour surveillance, so three people working an 8-hour shift per day to make sure there is 100% coverage. The person interviewed said it was ridiculous to suggest someone should be on watch for weeks on end and in his career in the prisons system the longest he’d ever seen anyone on watch was just short of a week. Not saying this is right or wrong, but assuming this perspective is accurate, it was an interesting take and helped explain why he wasn’t on watch.
Anon
Anon at 10:35, that’s not what I read. Suicide watch is only 24 hours is actually rare and usually reserved for cases where an inmate has received bad news from home. Epstein should have been considered extremely high risk due to a previous attempt and worsening humiliation from the media. It was very unusual and it’s super suspect that he was taken off watch AND moved to a single cell against prison policy.
Anon
My understanding is that prison do a horrible job of preventing suicides (although in fairness, we also do a horrible job in preventing suicides in general). Maybe I’m not enough of a conspiracy theorist and I haven’t followed it that closely over the weekend, but it just doesn’t seem surprising to me that he would commit suicide. My impression is that it happens often, it’s just that most of them don’t make headline news across the country.
Anon
Trump barred him from Mar-a-Lago years ago. I”m not sure why this is suddenly a Trump thing, except people hate Republicans and always think the worst of them.
navychica
Prince Andrew was associated with him, and he’s supposedly his mom’s favorite. I’m convinced it was QEII.
Anon
I don’t think anyone offed him, but if someone did it was definitely MI5. Prince Andrew has actually been named as having numerous encounters with underage girls via Epstein (unlike Trump and Clinton). He might have faced extradition to the US to be charged, but he won’t know that Epstein is dead. He had way more to gain from this than Trump or Clinton or any other boldface name.
Anon
Yes the post that also suggested the Clintons were involved definitely just hating on Republicans. But the liberals are the real snowflakes am I right?
anon
Non-Trump supporters (of all stripes, Republicans included) definitely needed a(nother) reason to reinforce that Donald Trump is a horrible human being. Eyeroll.
LaurenB
Gosh, I can’t possibly think of any reason why anyone would despise Donald Trump. This is a real head-scratcher here.
anon
His suicide seems incredibly convenient and almost comically predictable that the man would escape what was coming to him.
I hope this doesn’t stop the case from proceeding against anyone that has been discovered for partnering, participating, or otherwise being involved in the illegal activities along with Epstein.
But I am not terribly optimistic about that.
Anonymous
One thing I wondered about was whether his victims can still get at his assets and how that will be handled. My understanding is that since he is single, there isn’t the usual situation with entireties properties (where the spouse just gets all of the jointly titled real estate and you can’t claim that). My guess is that felons do lots of asset protection planning (but a lot of that fails when you already have creditors). Although it’s not like he has any heirs (IIRC, possibly wrong on this).
anon
Nit-picky point: everyone has heirs. It’s just a matter of finding them. Not everyone has descendants (children, grandchildren, etc.).
I would assume two things: (1) in all likelihood he has a will, and (2) either the beneficiaries of that will or, if he doesn’t have one, his heirs (siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.), have every reason to protect their (large) inheritance. Whoever ends up in charge of his estate (executor, administrator, or personal representative, depending on the state) will be the public face of defending claims against his estate but the beneficiaries (heirs or those named in a will) usually have a fair amount of power behind the scenes (the executor has a fiduciary duty to protect the interest of the beneficiaries of his estate).
Anonymous
Wow — this will be likely fascinating and completely disturbing to see it play out (and IIRC, many of the initial victims may have recruited other victims). I guess I will stay a NY Post reader then (or at least continue to glance at it as I walk by newsstands). If I were in law school now, I’d love to hear a T&E prof’s take on this.
Anonymous
I think he had plenty of reason to off himself without third party interference. That being said I would not be surprised if he managed to bribe, or promise to bribe, the powers that be that allowed him to be alone in a cell without surveillance and without guard checkins when it happened.
Anonymous
Why does it even matter? Isn’t this easier – no trial, less cost on the prison system for holding him etc? He wanted to off himself and he did — I don’t get the whole — oh the system failed him by not watching him. Whatever it’s prison— who cares how prison operations were treating him.
Anonymous
Um, justice for the people he hurt?
Anonymous
How many years ago? People need to move on.
anon
How many years ago? People need to move on.
anon
Okay, Kat/Elizabeth. Do we really need to put up with a tr0ll who tells victims of r@pe and s3x trafficking that they need to “move on?” Ban this loathsome individual from this s i t e.
cbackson
Come back to me when you’re the one who was s*x trafficked as a teenager.
Anon
Because he had not yet been fully interviewed and likely had extensive information about criminal activity of the most disgusting variety perpetuated by well-known public figures, including POTUS. This isn’t rocket science.
Anonymous
It touches Prince Andrew most definitely. He is a nasty piece of work and I do not understand why he is always discussed as QE2’s favorite. Yuck.
Re Trump, he banned Jeffrey Epstein from Mar-a-Lago. And legit finance people seem puzzled that Jeffrey Epstein is described as a “financier” when he seems to be just a hack with $ (maybe via blackmail? that makes a lot of sense to me. And rich people like Leslie Wexner seem to be so insecure that no wonder they are a magnet for people like this (or perhaps he used his services???)).
Potus is a lot of nasty things, but I don’t see anyone else with a high profile being noted as having turned him away. Dude had LOTS of shady friends in high places.
anon
“Whatever it’s prison— who cares how prison operations were treating him.”
Seriously? Are you our generally sociopathic poster who has no empathy for anyone other than yourself?
Setting Epstein aside, you do not lose all of your human rights just because you’re in prison. This is a pretty basic concept that’s easy to understand. Yes, Javert, the system does fail you when it assumes complete power over you but does not care for your health appropriately. Maybe one day you’ll be convicted of insider trading or some other white collar crime and sing a different tune.
WRT Epstein specifically, far as I’m concerned, the trash took itself out. That said, his death is convenient because now he can’t provide useful information regarding what is obviously a pretty expansive network of illegal and highly unethical activity. It’s not necessarily easier– his victims still deserve justice even if he isn’t sitting on the witness stand at trial.
Anonymous
I’m assuming he wasn’t a Luddite and that there is a rich electronic trail that is being followed (and he probably didn’t deal in cash, so finance records, too). I am betting that Prince Andrew is so stupid that he used something like [email protected] for this.
Just the private plane records and info from pilots would be a good place to start.
People who were nervous about their names coming out on Friday should still be just as nervous.
Anon
I have some symptoms of low progesterone and am getting checked out by my doctor, but I also wanted to ask whether there any women here who have experienced weight gain due to low progesterone (which is apparently a thing). I know I gained a little bit of weight from exercising less due to my long commute, but I seem to have gained an unusual amount unusually fast. Just looking to hear from others’ experiences.
Anon for this
For me, I had weight gain from the combo of low progesterone/high estrogen. It’s my understanding that he high estrogen usually goes hand in hand with low progesterone. Once I started taking progesterone, it helped balance out the excess estrogen and I shed some weight. It also totally screwed with my cycles because excess estrogen is stored in body fat so with fat loss came crazy spikes in my hormones that made my periods go crazy for a while. I started hormone treatments about two years ago and immediately lost about 15 lbs (over the course of maybe 2 months). I’ve since shed another 55 lbs that I attribute more to lifestyle/dietary changes than hormones. YMMV
anon
How did your doctor diagnose this? I’ve recently asked my new nutritionist and my gyn about checking my hormone levels and didn’t get great help from either. The nutritionist said I need a 30-day saliva test. The gyn said those tests are not proven, though are used by docs who treat perimenopausal symptoms. I’m trying to target the WHOLE body and feel like I’m basically being told–eh, you don’t have symptoms and we can’t test for it. Maybe that’s true, but I’m not convinced yet.
Anon for this
My doc did a series of blood tests specific to where I was in my cycle. I see a naturopathic doctor (he treats the whole body) for hormones and he treats both my Hashimotos (underactive thyroid) and progesterone/estrogen issues.
anon
Okay, thanks. I may end up pushing for this if I really think I might have an imbalance. Because my cycles are regular and fairly evenly spaced, no one seems to think my hormones could be off.
Dolce
I’m inheriting a vast amount of jewelry (literally hundreds of pieces). Some of it is just okay quality—gemstones or gold purchased from Macy’s or Kaye Jewelers—and some of it is very high end pieces.
I am not a jewelry person. I plan on keeping just two or three pieces that remind me of my relative, but I’d like to sell the rest and put the money toward a house, but I have idea where to start.
Do I have to sell each piece one by one? Or is there some kind of service that would liquidate all of it?
Anonymous
For the very high end pieces, I would contact Sothebies.
The Good Wife
Try an auction house. Which one will depend on the collection and its value, but from what you are describing, I would try Bonhams. Sothebys and Christies also do jewelry sales but they are geared to the really high end pieces (hundreds of thousands to millions) plus, whereas Bonhams regularly sell things in the few thousand price point.
anon
This is exactly what estate sales are. And the auctioneers/agents would be happy to have one that is only small, easy to store items like jewelry.
Jewlery
Get the pieces appraised before you sell! A friend of mine inherited a necklace from a granny who loved costume jewelry. Turns out it was worth more than $10k!
estate jewelry nut (seriously, it's my downfall)
If any of it is old/ designer/ unique/ vintage, find an estate jeweler near you, make an appointment to get appraisals first. Then you’ll know what you have. In addition to auctions, there are specialty high-end estate jewelers who are specialize in dealing.
.
Also, save every random bit of broken jewelry, and bits of shortened chain, it can be sold for it’s metal value
Anon
Etiquette Q: When visiting family, and staying in a hotel, do you have to stay as close to the person’s house as possible? Or do you stay in a more interesting area, even if it’s farther from family? My husband has a lot of family members who live in rather blah suburbs of major US cities. I’m so tired of staying in suburban Residence Inns and constantly eating at the local restaurants (which are mostly mediocre chains). Just once, I would like to stay in the heart of the city in a fancy hotel and indulge in some of the great food and entertainment the city has to offer. It’s not that I don’t want to see the family, and I would be happy to Lyft out to the suburbs to hang out with them if they don’t want to come into the city (which they mostly don’t), but staying in the city would make the trip so much more fun for me. My husband says the point of these visits is family and I’m being anti-social, but it’s just so frustrating to me that I have been to these awesome cities so many times and never actually seen any of the city.
The original Scarlett
We always stay where want, in the city not the burbs, in a hotel that’s fun – it’s how we make the best of those kinds of trips. But we’re on the same page about it. I don’t think it’s an etiquette thing so much as a you and your partner need to agree thing.
Veronica Mars
Go for it! I’d rent a car instead of Lyft/Uber–something about that says that you’re making the effort to drive the distance and you’ll have more flexibility to stop by. I’d say something like, “We got tickets to see X and we’re so excited to squeeze that in during our visit to see you! It just made more sense to get a hotel in the city this one time.” Having a specific thing you’re doing also takes some of the sting out of it, otherwise, it could come off as “this town sucks, we’re staying somewhere cooler.”
Anon
Stay where you want to stay! It’s your money, no one else is paying for it, pay for what you want.
Cat
I mean, it does kind of give the impression that you’re prioritizing a fun new city rather than the people you’re visiting… can you compromise by staying downtown a few nights on your own after visiting with family?
Anonymous
I think that if you’ve always stayed near them previously and mention that you’re staying “in the city” this time because you want to experience it for the first time or do X, Y, or Z, then it isn’t a big deal. I would make a point to stay near the family periodically or switch off or something. But I’ve been in the same situation, and it really is annoying. DH and I have often stayed a night or two on our own in the city before traveling to the relatives for a few nights (staying with them, though, not hotel).
Anon
I assume the shared meals are part of family time, so if you’re eating in the city without them (even if it’s their choice), family members might get offended. Ideally you could extend your trip a few days and do fun city things as a couple in addition to the days with family.
Worry about yourself
I don’t think it would be rude to stay in the city, especially if you’ve been staying in the suburbs and are looking to mix it up this one time. It’s not like staying in the city means you won’t be spending time with family! I would urge your partner to try it this one time, the worst case scenario is you don’t spend enough time with the family for his liking, and you go back to staying in the suburbs next time you visit. It sounds like you visit enough that one trip with more focus on the city than the family won’t be the end of the world.
Anon
I generally stay close to family. Maybe not at the closest possible hotel, but a close, nice hotel that I want to stay in. The point of these trips is to visit family, not see a new city. However, we do also do fun things in the local area, at least when visiting those who are not in rural areas. I will generally pick out at least 2-3 activities that we want to do during a visit and maybe a restaurant to two we want to visit, and almost always the family joins for those things. Does the family you are visiting just want to sit around the house the whole visit? What are you doing with your time now?
It’s not clear to me whether you are renting a car on these trips. Could you stay out by family, rent a car, and plan a few activities in the city? You could offer to drive everyone, and see what people think. But I’m a firm believer that you tell family want you want and I get that not everyone operates that way.
Anon
If your relatives are in suburban NJ and you’re staying in NYC going to shows and restaurants, how exactly are you visiting family? Seems like you’re willing to stop by during the day when they may be working or doing errands? I can get why that doesn’t end up being a family visit.
Anonymous
Yeah that’s my impression too.
Worry about yourself
Weird, that wasn’t my assumption at all! I didn’t really assume one specific city at all actually, but I live in Boston and I know some family members like to explore the city when they come to visit my mom and dad who live just outside the area, and we sometimes visit my grandmother in Philadelphia and sometimes I wish we could work in more city tourism during visits because I haven’t really gone into the city since I was a kid. Other cities that spring to mind as possibilities are Denver, Nashville, Atlanta, maybe Portland Oregon . . .
Anon
The cities in question are much smaller than NYC, the suburbs are maybe ~15-20 minutes from the city if you avoid rush hour traffic. We’re always back at the hotel by ~7 pm to start bedtime for kids and I’m mainly thinking it would be nice to be in a more interesting location at that point. Not even to get a babysitter to stay with sleeping kids and go see a show (although that would be nice to do once) but even just something as simple as one of us being able to pop out and be back 10 minutes later with some interesting desserts to try.
To answer another question, yes the family members are really resistant to going into the city. They don’t want to sit at home 100% of the time, but they only want to do things within a few mile radius of their house, which is basically chain restaurants, mall, movie theater, etc. Nothing very unique. We have offered to drive but they say it’s too far (it’s really not that far) and they’ve done all the touristy things in the city before (I don’t doubt this, but isn’t part of having visiting family that you do things like that again?).
Anonymous
Go do touristy things during the day. Whether on not they want to. But stay near them. Interesting desserts are not more important than family.
Equestrian attorney
Depends on your family and their lifestyle. For example, when we visit my grandparents, we stay in the city at night but visit them in the suburbs during the day (we definitely rent a car and drive them around). They go to sleep early and aren’t great at night, so we usually do things together during the day + brunch or lunch, but then they go home and it’s very clear that we can do whatever we want in the evenings, which when we can visit the downtown restaurants and shows.
rosie
We suck it up and stay close to family. That’s the reason for our visit. Plus with young kids, it makes it harder to have dinner by family if you then have to drive into town to your hotel. Especially when there’s a time difference (we live on the east coast and travel to the west coast, it’s already pushing it for everyone to compromise on an “early” dinner, I wouldn’t want to cut into that time further by having to drive back to the the city for bedtime). We go to the nearby city during the day and do activities — sometimes certain family members join us. And we’ll pick something up while we’re out and about to have at the hotel after our kid is asleep, it requires a little more advance planning, but being more flexible around family who themselves are not super flexible or good planners is key for us.
ANon
Yup. Us too. I have zero desire to stay in suburban ATL/golf course community land, but we do because we’re there to see family that we never otherwise get to see. Not my preference but it’s a sacrifice I make in exchange for having DH live far away from his family. I’d love to say YA! DO IT!, but I think it sends a terrible message.
Anon
If it was me, I would stay near family and spend most of the time hanging out with them. However, I would plan one or two, depending on the length of the trip, activities in the city. I would invite the family to join us, but go regardless. But this would be like 20% of the time of the trip, or less.
As an alternative, could the family watch the kids for an evening so that you and your husband could have a date night?
The original Scarlett
The way I look at these trips is my relationship with my husband takes first priority. I recognize that my family is not his family of origin, and vice versa. We both believe in visiting them and keeping positive relationships, but not at the expense of either of our feelings about it. This means that we both “get something” to make the trips easier for us – for me, that’s the fancy hotel in the city and we drive or train out to the burbs to visit (we also invite along to events in the cities or to meet us there for dinner, etc.); for my husband, it’s harder time limits on how long we’ll be at events and more free time built into the days. We discuss ahead of time what we need on a particular trip, and we both make sure that happens.
anon
For family we visit 1-3x a year, we stay in a house in the mcol city. Our young kids are way happier being close to things like the children’s museum, walking distance to the playground, and typically walking distance to the supermarket/cafes. We live in a walkable city and we’re all pretty miserable having to drive everywhere in the far out burbs.
For family we see very rarely, we tend to stay closer to the family.
Anonymous
I’ve done this when visiting my MIL who lives near DC. We’ve day-visited her, but stayed in downtown DC. I couldn’t have stayed there (only working bathroom was a half-bath, borderline hoarder so the accumulated mold and dust is murder on my allergies) and was there with my daughters. We stayed in DC “because it was easier on the kids who had early White House tour tickets and hadn’t been to the Mall Smithsonians before.” Which was true and why staying in suburbia would have been a nighmare (although the next visit we may need another excuse).
Anonymous
I will say that my MIL is retired, so taking a long weekend over the kids’ school breaks to drive up on TH, go do dinner TH, stay overnight in city, hang out F afternoon after WH tour and dinner with cousins/aunts/uncles (who may have different school and work schedules). We had a reverse commute when we went to the suburbs (although NoVa traffic is always snarly). Having our car in the city was an additional parking expense, but once we had it parked at the hotel we didn’t move it during the day.
Visiting older relatives for lunch / afternoon / earlybird special dinner still leaves you plenty of time to do other things. Having kids is great — who wants to deny their grandchildren a chance for big city cultural attractions?!
If the city is > 1.5 hours away, I’d maybe just break the visit up into segments: suburban family visit + cheaper suburban hotel; city cultural visit + city hotel + dinner with any relatives who want to drive in.
Anonymous
The point of the visits is to see family, not to see the city. He is right. If you want to spend time staying in the city, build that in as an add on.
anon
+1
Anonymous
If you are already staying in hotels and eating in restaurants, I don’t see what’s wrong with staying in the hotel of your choice and eating in the restaurants you like. You don’t have to make a big deal over exactly where you’re staying. I would rent a car, though, partly to demonstrate that you’re being flexible and prioritizing family time (if you call an Uber, people may feel obligated to offer to drive you).
Anon
Spend a night or two in the city once you’ve had the chance for family time.
anon
We stay in the iffy hotel near family – that allows maximum meals with them, which I think is nice, and then we do outings to the fun stuff from there. I’d frame it in the reverse way you are now -stay by them but really take advantage of time to go into the city during the day!
S in Chicago
Staying somewhere away misses the whole point of the visit, especially if it’s a Lyft ride in. It’s not about whether or not the restaurant is part of a chain, it’s about being convenient so that you can all hopefully eat together for a few meals. If it were me, I’d want to keep the peace with in-laws while still getting my needs met. That would mean staying in the burbs and renting a car and encouraging folks to join you for a few outings in the city or tacking on a day or two at either end of the trip for city time. I’d also say this is one of those things where your partner’s views should have a bit more weight since it’s his family. (Just like he should bend when it’s something to do with your family or friends.)
Anonymous
I don’t disagree — one meal at an Olive Garden won’t kill me.
I have to say at work when people as me how my vacation was, that family visits =/= vacations.
Daisy
I would say we stay in a location that is consistent with the purpose of the trip. So if we are planning to eat breakfast at the hotel then meet up with family all day then return to the hotel just for bedtime, yes we’ll pick the closest hotel that otherwise meets our needs (clean, modern, Hilton). Visiting family in Plano is just really different from taking a trip to Dallas, for example. You can choose either one, but you can’t make them be the same thing — they’re not.
Anonymous
Yes, this isn’t an etique**e question, it’s a disagreement between you and your husband about the purpose of the trip. I’m actually a little surprised you have multiple relatives who live in the suburbs that you don’t stay with when you visit, so do you think our husband is actually feeling a little rude being in a hotel at all? It doesn’t go down well with my in laws when their daughter chooses to stay in an area hotel– even though there are all sorts of inoffensive reasons why it works better (allergies, husband who is an insomniac, air mattresses if there’s another sibling visiting, etc.). I understand your frustration – my in laws live in the suburbs of a relatively interesting city where my husband went to grad school, and I get so irritated that we can’t spend time in the city catching up with old friends, etc. because we’re marooned in the burbs doing family stuff– but it is what it is.
Anon
Nobody is offended that we stay in a hotel. They don’t have a lot of space (they’re all in apartments/condos) and we have young kids, so there is mutual agreement that we need to be in a hotel.
Anonymous
For me, we stayed with my MIL exactly one time. Since then, my hoarding SIL has moved back in and the house is a nighmare (4 BRs, full basement, and no room at all). Another SIL lives in the next town, but is also a bit of a hoarder.
We are now a family of 5, so we just will not fit anywhere except an Embassy Suites sort of setup, which is fine with everyone.
Relatives don’t feel pressured to purge their houses other than making sure there is a place to sit in the living room. Last visit, we weren’t even allowed to go upstairs and I was afraid of what would have happened had one of the kids tried. [Now we go annually or send husband solo as a welfare check, but even when husband goes solo, he stays in a hotel just to have some headspace. Hotel is nearby though.]
Anonymous
Maybe this depends on the city/suburb, but it may be best to have your own car and not rely on Lyft if you do this. If you don’t have your own transportation, people will feel obligated to give you a ride and they’ll pressure you to let them do it (and then they’ll complain about it). There’s also the awkward lag between when you call the Lyft and it comes; you can’t very well stand right outside the house for like 15 minutes, but waiting inside means they’ll start another conversation. Ime people who aren’t used to Lyft don’t understand that when the car is here I need to GO – this is not the time to start thinking about what leftovers you want to give me, or do another round of hugs and kisses, and no I don’t need to say goodbye (again) to your cousin who’s in the other room changing the baby wait here while I go get her – and it becomes really hard to extricate yourself politely.
Aggie
There’s a difference between a trip and a vacation. Visiting family is a trip (albeit a very important trip). Food, activities and lodging are secondary to the family time together.
We stay in the hotel near family and drive into the city (~30 minute drive in traffic) to explore while everyone is working. Those who are not working are always invited and there are no hard feelings if they decline. Most of the time my kids do not sleep in the hotel, they have sleepovers with their cousins or just sleep wherever they land.
Anon
I’m kind of surprised by the answers here! I don’t think what you want is wrong. Especially if you’re visiting often enough that this is even a question. One visit where you stay in the city shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Whether the fall out from your husband and his family would be worth it is certainly another question. But I don’t think you’re wrong.
Anon
Me too. Especially since she may not have enough PTO (especially with young kids) to do a “real” vacation in addition to the family visits, or this may be like half of her annual vacation time.
Anon
DH’s family lives in suburban ATL, and we have this same issue. DH’s family hates going into the City and lives about 45 min from anywhere interesting in ATL. We still stay with his parents when we visit though, so staying anywhere more interesting would involve us paying for a hotel and would be super inconvenient to even seeing his family on that visit. We normally day trip into the city or somewhere more interesting if we don’t have a commitment during the day with his parents. Otherwise, we’re stuck in the burbs. If this helps, I’ve started framing these trips in my mind as trips to “Suburban ATL” instead of actually to Atlanta and have pretty much resigned myself to barely leaving my in-laws’ house each time we go.
Small Firm IP Litigator
I don’t get why it matters to your husband or his family where you stay, so why not stay where you want?
My family lives in an area that is not great. The nicest hotel in the city that is 15 minutes away is a very old Comfort Inn. There is nowhere decent to eat near there, the beds are uncomfortable, and the parking lot is not great at night. We instead stay in a nice chain hotel in a better city that is 35 minutes away, that actually has food and coffee options in it and nearby. The only ones affected by our choice is us having to drive an extra 40-45 minutes every day we are there.
Anon
I said I would update about my experience with Skinceuticals vitamin C serum (actually vitamin C, vitamin E, ferrulic acid combo)
I’m still really pleased. My skin looks somewhat shinier but in a good way. I guess the word is dewier.
I had my hair cut this weekend and my hairdresser commented on how good my skin looks and asked me what I’ve been using. I’ve been using the same hairdresser for 9 years so I guess that is really telling. She went on to tell me she is a Korean skincare junkie so I took it as high praise.
I have been using the serum for just under a month at this point. Despite the price, I think I will reorder when I’m out.
Lily
I’ve been using it also but I can honestly never tell if skin serums do anything for me. How are you applying it? I apply it in the morning after cleansing, and I then wait maybe 5 minutes before putting on moisturizer/sunscreen.
Anon
I put it on in the morning before sunscreen. I’ve been putting it on while my face is still slightly damp (not wet, toweled off, but before it starts feeling dry). It’s the only treatment I use in the AM. I use curology (retin-A, azaleic acid, niacinimide) in the PM.
YoungandDumb
I just started using MaeLove’s The Glowmaker which is supposedly a SkinCeuticals dupe (but at $28) and I LOVE IT. I was using Drunk Elephant’s C-Firma before and I’m seeing greater results and no initial irritation (which I had with DE). For reference, I’m in my early 20s with extremely sensitive, dry skin prone to localized breakouts around the chin area. I have some hyperpigmentation (which I think comes with being South Asian), but it seems to be lightening. But also, maybe I’m just seeing things lol.
Anonome
Thank you so much for coming back to this, I was very eager to hear your results!
Worry about yourself
Thank you to everyone who suggested eye shadow palettes last week! I ended up going to TJ Maxx because I vaguely remembered seeing some Urban Decay in their makeup section once upon a time, and sure enough, after much searching, I snagged the Naked bare essentials palette for $25! I might treat myself to something fancier later this year, probably something from either UD or Anastasia Beverly Hills, but I’m quite satisfied with this find for now, it even has some shades of purple I’m looking forward to experimenting with.
Anonymous
My boyfriend and I are likely breaking up. Details aren’t really important but I am very upset it’s not working out. After crying on my couch last night way past my bedtime, come into work today and find out my coworker is engaged. I am really struggling… with all the excitement and squeals, etc. Any advice?
Anon
Tea, classical music, and burying yourself in work.
A hug for you.
Clementine
I feel like a good one for this is the Game of Thrones soundtrack piece called ‘The Light of the Seven’. It’s literally about a character burning it all to the ground. Seems appropriate.
Anon
Say congratulations with a warm smile and move on with your day. There is no alternative to doing the right thing. Sorry that your relationship isn’t going well – that’s rough.
Anonymous
Yes this.
anon
This seems a bit snarky. She did not imply that she will do anything other than offer a warm smile and move on in the eyes of her coworker. She just asked how to deal today when someone else’s joy happens to amplify her pain.
Anon
She asked for advice and did not suggest anything about her own plans for dealing with the situation. If you don’t want other people’s opinions, you don’t post about your situation on this site.
anon
Agreed but the delivery was unnecessarily snarky. The message is fine and appropriate, the delivery was unnecessary.
nona
I didn’t read it as snarky at all. Just chill.
Anon
The delivery didn’t read snarky to me at all.
anon
Meh, I am the poster at 11:51 and 11:55 and I am chill. Thanks for reading too much into my defense of the OP, though. Something about this post has lots of ppl up in arms today.
Anon
Agree.
January
Ugh, that sounds rough. Be polite and happy for her when you see her, and otherwise try to keep to yourself today if possible.
Ellen
Yes, it is rough. Hugs, but you will get thru it. Just think of positive things and the fact there are other fishes in the sea, Grandma Leyeh says. She wants me to catch one already, but all of the one’s I’ve hooked have come up smelling funky, Dad told her. He is right. You should NOT feel bad about breaking up with him now. Think how much worse it would be if you got married, then split up. That is what happened on the final episode of DIVORCE, where Sarah Jessica Parker’s ex-husband got the boot from his new wife, and she is now with a child in Uterus! It may be hormonal, but she told him to move out, so he did, and is moving to his old home with his kids. Sarah Jessica Parker seems to be staying in the City, near the GWB, and was dating some guy who did not care if she had other men in her bed. FOOEY! The morale of the story there, and the story is now ended, is that LIFE goes on! And it does, and it will for you too, OP! YAY!!!!
Pink
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m struggling with infertility and on Friday my coworker told all 20 people on our floor that his wife is…two weeks pregnant. Take a walk to clear your head. What helps me is trying to focus on my coworker’s good qualities and congratulating her/him if you can. Then get yourself a treat tonight: ice cream or hh with a girlfriend or something.
Anon
He must be confused. You’re two weeks pregnant when you conceive. So if he’s not confused, he’s just telling people he and his wife had unprotected sex and are hoping to get pregnant ;)
Sorry for your struggles.
Al
+1. There is absolutely no way to know you are two weeks pregnant.
Anonymous
Sorry for the commenter above who thinks that’s funny.
Infertility is so tough. I try to remember that there isn’t just one big pie in life that we all have to share. Someone else’s good news doesn’t add or take away from my own. But it’s hard.
anon
Who thinks it’s funny?
Daisy
Just remember, she’s not getting engaged AT you.
Anon
This isn’t helpful and is more than a bit rude. Like, people aren’t allowed their own feelings of loss and sorrow because it implies they think someone else is getting engaged/having babies/getting promoted “at” them?
Anonymous
This is good advice not rude. It is a good thing to remember!
anon
I didn’t find it rude at all and do find it helpful. It can certainly FEEL like someone is getting engaged or having a baby “at” me when I’m feeling vulnerable or otherwise hurting. Taking a beat to remember perspective is helpful for me.
Anon
+1. Lot of defensive folks in this thread today! OP asked for advice and this is a good reminder. I have often felt sad when a friend got engaged/got pregnant/etc and that wasn’t happening for me, and it’s helpful to remember that people are wrapped up in their own lives and not getting engaged/pregnant “at” me.
Anon
+1… there are times I remind myself of exactly that – a person isn’t doing *whatever* AT me. I find it a useful exercise, personally.
Worry about yourself
Exactly, it’s helpful to remember/be reminded of that when you’re feeling resentful of someone’s happy news, especially in situations like this when the timing is dreadful.
Anon
I have literally never felt that way in my entire life but have sometimes felt very sad for my own circumstances.
Anon
You’re misunderstanding. People are definitely allowed to feel loss and sorrow. They can ALSO offer warm congratulations to others at the same time. Part of being a good friend or coworker is showing up when you don’t feel like it and there is strong evidence that empathy/support for others helps you as well. If all of us only ever offered congratulations and praise to others when we were 100% happy and feeling great, everyone would be worse off. You can absolutely find it hard to do, but it’s the right thing to do for both your coworker and you.
Legal Writing Application
I’m considering applying for a legal writing and analysis teaching position at a law school. I meet all of the minimum requirements and a portion of the desired qualifications. Anyway, I was wondering if folks could help with a couple questions:
1) Any general comments on things they’ll be looking for that are different than private practice?
2) Writing sample ideas? I don’t do a lot of litigation, so most of my work is not public record. I do have some older motions I can look at cleaning up (which is what I’m planning to do barring another fabulous suggestion here). Page length?
3) Is it okay if my references don’t include my boss? Academia is a new world to me, and I don’t want to commit a serious faux pas.
Thanks!
MJ
Genuinely curious–how do you think you’re qualified if you don’t do a lot of litigation? My 1L writing classes were pretty much all “baby” litigation assignments. This puzzles me.
Breaking up when you are both on the lease
Any advice for breaking up when you are both on the lease (and probably neither of us can stay on and afford it; of course apartment isn’t a setup that would be ideal for a roommate due to second “bedroom” being an open loft space with no privacy and also where the washer/dryer is).
Ugh.
Breaking up is bad enough and now this.
Anonymous
Give notice to your landlord, get out ASAP, run it up on your credit card if you have to.
Anonymous
Do you jointly give notice to the LL? It’s too soon to get out by Labor Day weekend (we are month to month now, thank god, but timing that looks to be a bit of a B).
I can’t get my name removed from the lease uniliaterally I guess b/c I don’t think he’d qualify solo (if he even wants it). And dealing with getting the security deposit back . . . and if one person starts being a jerk about getting moved out on time . . . ugh.
Anonymous
Give notice now- ask your land lord if they’ll let you out early if you can get out early
anon
Month-to-month is a godsend. You still need to read your lease about what move-out looks like with two people on the lease.
Anon
We just broke the lease, and split the fine. But in my area, most buildings let you break a lease if you pay an extra 2 months rent. If neither of you can afford or want the place on your own, what are your options for breaking the lease? pay a fine? find someone to sublet or assume your lease?
anon
First step is to read your lease. Then consider the options and split the financial penalty. My lease doesn’t cap the broken lease damages, and I know better than to rely on the management office to sublet it in a timely manner, so I’d do that legwork myself. You may need to offer a discount on the rent.
Anonymous
I have a (cheap-ish ASOS) dress that I’d like to turn into a blouse. I like the style, but the length and cut don’t work for me as a dress – it’s too short and I don’t think letting out the hem will make it any more flattering. I think the cut would work as a blouse on me. Is this a thing I can get a tailor to do? And if so, recommendations in the Boston area? TIA!
PolyD
The Directrice does stuff like this all the time. Unfortunately she’s in DC, not Boston. But I imagine it can be done. Extra Petite is in Boston and used to get a lot of her stuff tailored, she might have some places on her blog.
anon
The link for the alternate option is broken :/
Equestrian attorney
Skincare question. I currently use a hyaluronic acid serum in the morning (+ light moisturizer with SPF) and BHA chemical exfoliant at night after cleansing (every 2-3 days, otherwise it irritates my skin).
I’m wondering if I should add some vitamin C, and if so, when? I know it’s recommend but I’m worried it will end up being too much and irritate my skin. Also, any recommendations?
About me: 30, combination skin, slightly sensitive but no major issues. I would like tighter pores and to prevent the early signs of aging.
Anon
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/30/style/all-of-those-products-are-making-your-skin-worse.html
Equestrian attorney
I hear you, and I’m always torn between doing less and giving into the latest skincare trend. I have to say the HA serum does really feel like it’s making a difference, so I’m keeping that, but I also don’t want to go overboard.
Anon
1) Your pore size is 99% genetic, you can’t really close them or open them
2) A vitamin C serum will kind of “brighten” your skin and assist as an anti-oxidant to prevent signs of aging, but your SPF is the big wrinkle preventer. I apply my vitamin C serum in the morning. I’d apply the serums by weight, so if your HA serum is thicker, apply it first, if your vitamin C serum is thicker, apply it first. But always apply your SPF last. You can apply vitamin C serum at night as well, but I don’t only because I apply retin-A from Curology at night and you can’t apply them at the same time.
YoungandDumb
I’ve always heard that products should be applied thinnest to thickest?
Anon
Sorry you’re right. I accidently reversed it. Thinnest to thickest is correct.
Anonome
Don’t want to send a link to mod, but do a search for Snow White and the Asian Pear’s article called “Putting your products in order, including pH dependent acids” for as much detail as you could want on this topic. She’s very easy-to-read, but also offers links to the more detailed chemistry explanations.
Equestrian attorney
This is helpful, thanks!
Anon
It helps to just talk to a dermatologist. A NY Times article shouldn’t be your main source of information.
Aggie
I went on a skincare diet after my obsession with skincare went a little too far. After a month of cleanser, moisturizer, and spf only, my face was FAR better than with the multi step routine I was using.
The only products I have added back in are a HA serum for extra hydration in the morning and Maelove’s Glow Maker serum (C, E, Ferulic and HA) at night. I love how my skin looks with Vitamin C serum, but I have not noticed a difference in pore size.
Repost of Too Bubbly
I am a naturally buoyant person (disregarding my major depressive disorder. Thank you, medication). I laugh easily, I’m upbeat, etc. But I think I probably come across as goofy/flighty/immature. I’m good at what I do, with a ton of experience, but I think people have trouble taking me “seriously.” As a lawyer, I think this has contributed to my struggle with getting business–clients adore me when I work on their matters, but I don’t seem like a serious lawyer (wondering if my curly hair also impacts?).
I am planning to venture out in the next year or so on my own, with a new business idea that I have. It will require persuading a host of different types of people (many of them traditional concept of old(er), white men to “believe” in me and be willing to commit money/time/resources.
How do I learn how to…calm down? Appear more professional? Without smooshing my normal self?
Thanks. A couple of folks were interested yesterday, so I hope there’s some good suggestions. Maybe from SeniorAttorney?
Anonymous
The things that makes me doubt someone’s professionalism is constant uptalk and giggling. Think about whether you are asking a question or making a statement and if you aren’t or shouldn’t be asking, practice not letting your voice trail off upwards. Likewise, people who describe themselves as bubbly I often find to be insecure people pleasers who smooth every interaction with giggling. Stop. Is something funny? If not, don’t laugh. These both seriously undermine your authority and credibility.
Repost of Too Bubbly (OP)
I do nervously laugh and make jokes (ask me about the time when I couldn’t stop giggling when they tried to draw my brother’s blood…). But I don’t trail off, or uptalk. I’ll work on the giggling.
[i am going to therapy re: the people pleasing! It’s a long road.]
Anon
I have had a colleague who laugh when uncomfortable, and this drives me nuts because I have a hard time getting a straight answer out of them. Try to come up with a different mechanism beforehand to use when you face discomfort. e.g. That’s a hard one, let me think about that / Wow, I’m not sure I have an answer.
At meetings, try focusing hard on the agenda and make it your personal mission to get as far as possible during the meeting towards the goal of the meeting. Be passionate, not distracted. Try to resist the temptation to make jokes until the meeting adjourns, then you can say something to lighten the mood as folks start filtering out. Try to make work conversations about projects and news topics in your related work area when possible (not to say you cannot have casual conversations and jokes, but try to make it a mix.) I am naturally serious/focused and have had to tell myself to lighten up a bit, you may need to go the other way.
Anon
Thank you. I’m watching this post because have a similar issue — in my case, I’m very enthusiastic and do feel strongly about my company’s mission, and I think I come off as girlish. I had a new coworker say, “I appreciate your passion,” which I interpreted as, “Wow, you need to chill.” So thanks for this response.
Anon
You need to temper your personality based on your environment, not smoosh it down. A business meeting doesn’t require jokes, laughter or goofiness. Work isn’t a brunch. It has nothing to do with your looks and everything to do with behaving inappropriately. Let your personality come out once you’ve got the work to make working with you more enjoyable. But yes, people are judging you based on your goofiness. No one wants a clown.
As to how to do it, just….stop with the bouncing around. Curly hair isn’t the problem.
anon
I generally agree but will dissent that I think it can have something to do with your looks. The whole package is important when it comes to being taken seriously and being viewed as a competent professional.
Anon
Yes – learn to distinguish work time from personal interactions. It’s about your brain and your knowledge, not your giggles.
Anon
Honestly, unless you’re really over the top, it’s probably fine. I had a supervisor who handled routine meetings like this:
Colleague: “I’ll be working on the MMA project – ”
My supervisor *guffaws loudly* “HAHAHAHAHA, mixed martial arts???”
Colleague: “Then you click on this icon that looks like a spider – ”
My supervisor “HAHAHAHAHA WHY WOULD YOU CLICK ON A SPIDER???”
Don’t be that person who goes for a cheap laugh at every opportunity. THAT’S when bubbly gets annoying af. Otherwise, you can work on being friendly but tempered.
Repost of Too Bubbly (OP)
LOL. I love your supervisor. My kinda jokes!
Anonymous
Ok. But do they add anything to the work conversation?
Anonymous
Be mindful of impulse control as well. I’m a bit of a “bubbly” personality and when I get rolling with the wit and color commentary, it can get distracting. My child was recently diagnosed with ADHD-Impulsive type and I see a lot of myself in them. I remind myself to keep my comments inside my head.
Anonymous
Great comment about impulse control. I’ve noticed with bubbly, talky people that they often start out just fine, but then there’s a point where they get on a roll and begin to lose their ability to notice or respond to social cues; they just lose themselves in their own talking. Start to notice your habits and (if you do this) what your signs are that you’re slipping over into “too far.”
Anon
Well, I have to be honest – her constant interruptions were SO annoying and unprofessional, especially when she interrupted junior colleagues who had spent weeks preparing presentations and were already nervous.
Monday
Yep. I skew to the side of all-business, but this really annoys me too. It slows down the work and derails people speaking, and I feel it shows nonchalance toward people’s hard work and focus.
I would add that any whiff of flirting bugs the heck out of me, in any direction from/toward any gender. I think some people are innately flirtatious, but I feel it really undermines professionalism to show that side in a work context.
Anon
Wow, I would HATE to work with people who didn’t want their coworkers to show any little bit of personality or sense of humor. Obviously keep it professional, but to be all work all the time would be so dreadful.
anon
Haha, OP, yes, I think you need to put on a big layer of serious-face (at work) for a while. Just try it out. You will work into a version that feels like you even if it feels like faking it for a bit. You don’t have to have zero personality, but it is quite normal (and, appropriate, I think) to have a work persona and a personal persona. Sounds like you want to work on your work persona.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, don’t be that person. It’s fine to be upbeat but that kind of thing is just juvenile.
Moving On
Do you guys think its always necessary to have “the talk” when you feel neglected by a friend? Ive seen this topic come up a few times on here so im curious of your thoughts. Im sick and tired of ALWAYS being the one to reach out, check in, make sure people are doing ok. I think for the majority of my adult life I was an empath to a fault and people took advantage of me always being there (consciously or not).
Is it immature of me that i just want to move forward and find a new tribe? Does every relationship need a final conversation? I dont want to cut ties completely. Also Im 29 if that gives this context.
Anonymous
Absolutely not. Go forth as you desire.
Moving On
Omg this was meant to be a separate post *face palm* thats what i get for posting this on my phone! Hahah thanks!
Anonymous
Of course every relationship doesn’t need a final conversation. The friendships will either fizzle because neither of you reaches out, or they’ll continue on new terms with less frequent contact (or the other friend will ask you if something’s wrong because they haven’t heard from you, at which point you can say that you felt like they weren’t reciprocating).
anon
Nope, not at all. IF you think it’s fixable on their part and IF the relationship is otherwise worth it to you, then maybe try to broach the subject. But I have left many friendships simply lapse (even relatively close ones) because neither of us apparently cared enough when we started drifting. If the person you’re distancing yourself from gets aggressive or defensive, then you might want to have some idea of what you would say that isn’t too “burn it all down” but also not too passive.
Anonymous
One of the biggest rainmakers I know is an upbeat curly-haired woman who laughs easily and often. She also projects authority and confidence and I would never think of her as flighty. Come to think of it, several woman rainmakers I’ve met throughout my career have a really jovial, friendly demeanor. Do you have any mentors you can emulate? I think what you’re describing can be a huge plus – no one wants to work with someone who’s too serious and down to business all the time, people want to work with someone they like. I wouldn’t smoosh your natural tendencies at all, maybe just… polish them.
Repost of Too Bubbly (OP)
This is good to hear. Maybe I can reach out to someone that seems to be who *I* want to be.
anon
Yes, this is a great idea–but I would maybe just watch the person you want to be for a while. See if there’s anything about their mannerisms or habits that would work well for you.
Senior Attorney
Ooooohhhh… great topic.
I just finished a term as president of my 200-plus-member service club, and got nothing but great feedback about my leadership skills even though I am upbeat and laugh easily and often (okay, I do straighten my hair but it is longish and blonde, so there’s that).
I agree with the people who advise sticking to business when it’s time for business. For example, I was famous for my short-and-to-the-point board meetings. I was friendly and fun but kept things moving and on point.
Also, one of the things I have learned is that a lot of what people think of as “leadership” and “expertise” is really just plain ol’ decisiveness. Make decisions, stick to them, change them if they turn out to be wrong, but own them. I see so many people who are afraid to make decisions or voice opinions, and I think that can definitely contribute to an impression of flightiness or flakiness.
I guess in a nutshell my advice is own your authority, down to your toes. And once you really have that down, being naturally upbeat will be an asset rather than a liability.
Irish Midori
Read “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office” with a grain of salt. Well, a whole lot of salt. But it has some really good ideas about toning down the “girly” to be taken more seriously. IMO it goes a little overboard at the risk of encouraging women to stray into witch territory, but it still is among the books I recommend.
vocal exercises
Can anyone recommend a specific podcast, YouTube video, etc. that I can use to get my voice back into shape? I am auditioning for a community choir in a week, am getting over a cold, and haven’t sung since college 20+ years ago, and my range and tone are completely shot. I used to sing first alto, occasionally second soprano.
Ms B
Not a full program, but I like the Seven Minute Vocal Warmup App when I am trying to improve vocal flexibility and bored with my therapy exercises.
anon
I know this has been posted before, but I haven’t been able to dig up an old thread to look for advice, so apologies for the repeat question. What do you do when you hate, hate, hate your job, but cannot quit (for financial reasons), and have had zero luck in looking the last few months? For context, I am in a small city with not a lot of jobs in my practice area, and moved here about nine months ago for DH’s job. What makes it worse is that while my last job was far from perfect, I generally liked it, had a few good friends, and was pretty happy to go to work most mornings. Now, I get paid less, have no friends at work, and find the work super boring. The only plus is that it is the lowest stress job I have ever had, and I work maybe 20 hours a week tops (spend the rest of my time chatting with friends or surfing the web on my phone). But TBH, I don’t thrive in situations where I’m not needed/my skills are not being put to use, so I’d much rather be working a full 40 hour week, keeping my mind engaged, etc. I will obviously keep looking for a new gig, but I feel so down about this whole situation and don’t know how to remedy it. Any advice from others who have maybe been in a similar situation and come out on the other side happier?
Anonymous
You remind yourself it isn’t coal mining and keep doing it. You are doing what you need to do. Focus on why you need to work and remind yourself you have it good.
Anon
It’s hard, but the way I got through that time was to focus on my outside of work hobbies and activities. Because I wasn’t doing much at work, I still had lots of energy to do other things in the nights and weekends that I enjoyed. I also used down time at work to do fun things. Instead of just surfing the web, could you read a book for fun or for a book club? I find I feel better if I do something more substantive, instead of just trying to get the time to pass. I would also often work from home one day, and try to get most of my home cleaning and chores done that day.
Anonymous
I’ve also been there and the only thing that really helped was finding a new job. But, really leaning into activities and hobbies outside of work really helped in the meanwhile. I made myself very, very busy outside of work (Junior League, community choir, piano lessons, a new intense workout studio) so going to the boring job I hated was almost a bit of a relief on some days.
Hang in there!
Anon
Some of this may not be applicable to you, but I think it’s worth mentioning in case it is:
You moved to a new area 9 months ago. The way the rest of your life is going will influence how much satisfaction you get from your job, or, to put it another way, if you’re not making a lot of friends, don’t like the area, miss home, etc., then you have much less bandwidth for a job you dislike.
Can you use the downtime in your job to do intellectual things that would advance your career or personal life? You can write articles, work on speaking engagements, look for adjunct positions, look for volunteer work, etc. That will enable you to have some intellectual stimulation in your day, make your day more busy, and also helps a lot in terms of finding a new job: you get to talk about all the other great stuff you’ve done, too.
Coach Laura
Building on this excellent post: Can you create some goals that might engage you? Instead of surfing the web, learn something.
Depending on your career, can you get certified? You could work on a getting certified as a Project Management Professional, even if it’s not a huge part of your career/job. You could get certified as a personnel manager – SHRM credential. You could learn to code or learn accounting, learn a foreign language, learn statistics, learn about technical writing – all of these via free online classes or real online classes.
The options for courses is staggering – look at UC Berkley Extension Online or University of Washington Extension Online for ideas. Business Analysis, Editing, Financial Planning, HR, Marketing, Professional Writing, American Lit, Short Story Writing, Digital Marketing to name a few.
If you have an idea for a side gig or a career change, explore it now.
You could write articles in your field. You could read books online via amazon content (even free library books via Kindle without the kindle).
In fact, I would love a job like this because of all the things I could do, assuming access to the internet.
Coach Laura
Sorry – I missed the “practice area” comment so didn’t assume that you were a lawyer. Some of the advice still works but I would wonder if you want to have your own practice or your own clients, or if you could become a career clerk or work for government or in a legal adjacent area. What could you do to make the remainder of your career fabulous. Other ideas are volunteering for something that would give you the engagement that you need and the challenge to thrive, at least in your non-work hours.
a lawyer
Not exactly the same situation, but for years I was fairly unhappy in my job and got no validation from my partners. I got involved in a legal organization in our state, moved up in the organization, met a lot of other lawyers from around the state, got case referrals from them, and became a much happier lawyer. Your local bar association, pro bono organization, or other legal group would probably welcome a new member willing to show up and help out. It is a good way to network, find your “tribe,” and build some self-confidence.
ring sizing?
My 20th anniversary is coming up, and I’m thinking about getting a diamond band to mark the anniversary. I have one picked out from catbirdnyc, but it says that it can’t be resized.
Two questions: first, I’m trying to lose some weight – if I do, will I be out of luck if it becomes too loose? second, I want to be really really sure that I order the right size – is it rude to go to a jeweler or Macy’s or something and have them size my finger when I know I won’t be getting a ring from them?
ring sizing?
This is the ring: https://www.catbirdnyc.com/diagonal-antique-diamond-band.html
anon
(1) if a ring is too big, a jeweler can add a small piece of metal inside the ring to make it fit better. (2) not at all. people do this all the time
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
I think it’s fie to go to a jeweler and have them size you. I wouldn’t buy a ring that can’t be resized though, that seems like borrowing trouble. People gain/lose weight all the time, often for reasons outside of their control. And even if your weight stays the same, you may realize your hand was measured under less than ideal conditions (eg it was very cold in the room or something) and your normal size is slightly different. I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem smart to sink thousands into a ring that may be useless if your hand changes shape at all. It’s very pretty though!
Ms B
The vendor’s s*te says it is custom; I would ask if they can make it with the design 3/4 of the way around the band and the balance unadorned to allow for sizing over time. In 20 years I have had to have my wedding set sized first down and then up and I was glad that the design allowed that to happen.
Cat
+1
That said, I’ve worn my wedding band & e-ring over a 30-lb range; at the top they weren’t uncomfortable, just required soap & water to remove.
Anonymous
Pretty! When you say “some” weight, how much are you talking? I don’t find that a change of 10-15 pounds has no impact on my ring size. More than that might, but I wouldn’t stress too much unless you’re talking 50+ pounds. Also, not necessarily rude, but you may want to just go into a jeweler and look and try on rings. They are used to that. Or they have ring-sizer things you can download online.
ring sizing?
It’s right around 50 pounds, though I can’t imagine I’ll actually get down to my wedding-day weight. My wedding ring still fits, but it’s tight and I’ll likely have it resized if I don’t drop some weight soonish. I do have a ring sizer, but I guess I’m worried that I’ll not take the width of the band into account sufficiently or something. Wouldn’t hurt to look at some rings in person anyway, so I’ll probably go that route.
iced coffee
Love that ring. I puttered around that site a bit, and they say they will mail you a free ring sizer, just FYI.
mascot
Do you normally gain weight in your hands? My wedding rings get a little tight if it’s really hot and I’ve eaten a lot of sodium but I don’t think I’ve permanently changed ring sizes over the 12 years. This includes pregnancy and age related gain (so probably 40lbs swings). Depending on where on your finger you wear the ring, you may need different sizes (my e-ring is a quarter size bigger than my channel set wedding band because it sits closer to the knuckle/bigger part of my finger).
ring sizing?
Thanks, all! I’m going to see if they’ll do as Ms B suggests, that seems like a great way to hedge my bets.
Anonymous
I am giving my 2-week notice today at work, but one of the partners I work with is tied up all day traveling. Would you tell him over email or wait until tomorrow to try for a phone call?
anon
I would err toward the phone call, but make sure people know not to share your news with the partner first. Can be a risky move depending on how gossipy your workplace is.