Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Short-Sleeve Knit Wrap Dress

173 Comments

1. Yay, Elizabeth, its a great choice for Frugal Friday’s! I missed reading yesterday, b/c I was busy getting ready to go to Long Island for the weekend. I was worried about taking the train, but now that they caught that guy, it’s going to be OK. Dad says there was a case where a guy shot people on the LIRR years ago and that is why there is a Federal law on this. Thank goodness we have smart people in Albany to make these laws. Happy Passover and Easter to the entire HIVE! YAY!

2. My Pinterest and google searches have failed me. What do you call those kind of modular wall shelves that can be configured with a desk and some closed compartments maybe? Now that my kids are getting older I want to replace the small kid drawing table and chairs in their room with something that can grow with them and I feel like I can see this product exactly in my mind (it exists!) but not finding the right words for it to figure out where to get it.

   1. I think the main brand is called String

   2. Like a track shelf that accommodates a desk unit?

   3. Elfa? Check the Container Store.

   4. A wall unit?

      Maybe this is just the Californian in me but please anchor those tall shelves to the wall!

   5. Leaning bookshelves? I have one with a desk component from Crate & Barrel.

   6. “Wall mounted modular furniture system.”

      1. Boom!

      2. YES!!!! THANK YOU!

         1. Haha that was all we had in our house in the 60s-70s, all built by my dad!

            1. My dad had this too – and I am so nostalgic! Love it.

3. I am the OP with the missing engagement ring. I spent 20+ hours looking for it this week trying to figure out what a reasonable time of searching would be prior to filing a claim. I had begun to thing it was time to go into Swedish Death Cleaning mode to flip every pocket open all unused purses, etc. We went on a trip with the giant barking dog and I likely put it in a special hidey-hole to let any burglars get the low-hanging fruit and leave this special antique piece (which I’d have replaced with the same). I knew it was in a Qalo ring holder pocket, at least based on my prior habits, so should be easy to see vs floating loose. I went in a drawer I went in many times before, flipped over a clear container with a fabric flower pin in it and it was underneath. All hail Saint Tony (I named my first child this already; highly recommend)!

   1. What a relief! This is just the thing that would happen to me. Glad you found it.

   2. I would love to see a pic of baby Saint Tony.

      Congratulations on finding the ring! What a relief. That would have kept me up at night.

   3. Is little Tony good at finding things?

      1. No lie, when my niece was 4-7 years old, she could find annnnnything. That single earring I held onto for years hoping the mate would show up someday – boom, one visit, she found the mate. It was her superpower. Can’t find your keys/glasses/the remote? Get Niece in here.

         She sadly grew out of it. I have always thought it was because the world is so big to a little one, they see every tiny little thing that we have learned to ignore.

   4. I’m so glad you found it! I also love the idea of pre-emptively naming your child Tony.

   5. I am so glad you found it! Yay!

   6. Lol – my grandmother swore by praying to St Anthony and you know what? It never hurts.

   7. Boom!! Love it!!

4. Does anyone have recommendations for a good spa in Santa Fe? I’m going in September. Thank you!

   1. I stayed at the La Fonda hotel based on a recommendation on this board (A+) and my daughter and I went to the spa there. It was very nice.

   2. Ten Thousand Waves is the quintessential Santa Fe spa experience but you’ll need transportation to get there, and also make reservations well in advance (which you have plenty of time to do). It’s more like a Japanese onsen than a plush European spa, but the therapists are top-notch and it is an extremely soothing and relaxing experience. I love it there.

   3. If you can make a day of it, Ojo Caliente is perfection, but it’s about an hour north of SF, on the way to Taos. Closer to town, but still a little out of the way, is Ten Thousand Waves.

      1. There’s also an Ojo branch much closer to town that is lovely. And 10 thousand waves is a must.

5. For others who are unhappily single, what do you do when the waves of sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness hit? One is starting for me (partially pms related) and I want to try to get on top of it. I know it’s okay to feel sad but I don’t want this to get worse like it sometimes does.

   1. You can do what I do. You talk to your family, and see what they have to say. Family is best, and they can help. This weekend is a good family weekend for me so I will likely get to hear from everyone about my situation, which is like yours b/c men have to date failed to step up and ask me to marry them even tho I have been available for years now. The trouble is that the good ones are not anxious to marry me, and the bad ones waste too much of our time, which is better spent learning from our past mistakes. Don’t worry, if your PMS is kicking in, that will pass in a few days and you’ll be fine. Women in the hive who are less than 38 can’t appreciate what you are going through but remember that you can do it! We all can do it! YAY!!

   2. Watch comfort TV. Go to yoga and workout classes. Get a dog if it suits your lifestyle.

      1. Oh how I wish I’d gotten a dog when I was unhappily single, but then I might not have bothered dating . . .

         1. Haha, this is me right now. Would I rather go on yet another first date or hang out with my awesome dog? Dog often wins. :)

            1. Love that!!

            2. During the period I was online dating, which is when I met my husband, many of my proposed first dates were meeting for a walk, and I would bring my dog, who loved nothing better than walks. If they didn’t like my dog, I didn’t like them. He was an excellent litmus test.

   3. Maybe look into volunteer opportunities

      1. I can’t be the only one who hates volunteering, right?

         1. How do you just hate the entire concept of volunteering? That’s so weird.

            1. I’ve done tons of it, it’s boring and I just don’t find it fulfilling. Ymmv.

         2. I hate it too. I feel uncomfortable and meh.

   4. All the escapism activities! For me, that’s reading fantasy/sci fi books where romance isn’t the main focus. YMMV. Yoga and other workout classes where it’s predominantly other women. Visit or volunteer at a pet shelter. Visit a new exhibit at the art museum. Visit the local zoo, enjoy watching the animals at my own pace. Cry alone at home if I feel like I can’t hold it in anymore. Talk to my BFF or any friend who gets it. Work on my own writing projects, even if they languish in my google docs for years.

   5. Sadness: ride it out. It’s not a failing to be sad about being single. Books, writing projects, a long run.
      Loneliness: adopt a pet. This went way down after I got an exceptionally snuggly cat. Alternately, call a friend.
      Hopelessness: remember that it’s not hopeless until I’m dead. Plenty of people find love late in life.

   6. Read The Book of Moods. I just started and finished it yesterday and she has some practical guidance on loneliness.

   7. While I still get these occasional pangs, as a single 38 year old without kids I HIGHLY recommend the book How to be Single and Happy by Dr. Jennifer Taitz for alternative perspectives and thought exercises. She really examines the concept of happiness (long-term vs the immediate gratification type), and introduces many scientific studies on people’s happiness trajectories over time, both out and inside relationships. This is WELL worth a read. She doesn’t disqualify or diminish anyone’s negative emotions around singleness, but explores them and provides different strategies. I’ve also tried talking to a counsellor through work’s employee family assistance plan, which was very helpful. The counsellor helped me diagnose the emotion I’ve been feeling as grief over my expected life vs reality. Naming the feeling has also provided some relief, as before I was just “very, very low”. Just a couple tactics that have helped me – hope they’re of some use to you, too!

6. I cannot make myself work lately. Work is piling up but I just can’t make myself do it. I just don’t care. I haven’t been working that hard lately so it’s not burnout and I’m at the point where I really have to start getting things done. I’m sure others have dealt with in the last couple of years. Did anything help for you? What snapped you out of it?

   1. No suggestions, but following. This is so unlike me.

   2. In this boat too. I know you say not burnout but I think the accumulated stress and worry of the last two years probably does add up to burnout even if you don’t feel like you’ve been super hardworking lately.
      No answers here, just sympathy.

      1. You know that you are not alone. It is mostly the pandemic, coupled with the crazy movements that allow for criminals to roam our streets with abandon. We should push hard to get law and order back into the picture so that we can safely walk the streets, particularly at nite when the bad elements come out. Dad says there will be a reckoning soon, and tho he was not clear what that meant, I trust my Dad, and so should you! YAY!!!

   3. Knowing the mortgage and taxes are due every month. That’s truly part of it. The other part is telling myself that this is temporary until I find something more suitable. After that, I make lists of what needs to get done and break it down into smaller chunks and handle just one pressing/urgent thing. Once that’s finished, cross it off and move on to the next thing.
      Do you think anyone/boss has noticed? Do you have a trusted colleague/mentor who can help with accountability?

      1. +1. I have bills to pay and a kid and dogs to feed and thus need to get my work done. Job-searching sucks and I don’t want to be thrust into looking for a new job because of my underperformance leading to a termination; if I have to get a new job, I want to be in control of that situation.

         I also use lists and one thing I’ve noticed – when I start feeling overwhelmed because things are piling up, if I’ll sit and make the list and break things into chunks, each chunk is not that big of a lift, and just checking off one thing at a time during the 2-3 hours I can make myself focus on something helps me get 90% of the work done. Baby steps are better than nothing.

         Some weeks I can really get in there and crush it and other weeks I am just going through the motions. Some weeks my 100% effort is maybe 20% of what my 100% effort looks like in other weeks. But I get up and do it, regardless of how into it I am, because the consequences of not doing my work are going to be way more uncomfortable than just doing the work and getting it over with.

      2. I do the same thing with lists. Write down everything you need to get done and then just do something on the list, it doesn’t matter what. Once I get moving I can keep working that list.

   4. This is exactly where I am now. You’re not alone.

   5. This is me lately, and I hate it

   6. This is me and my therapist says this is burnout. No advice but commiseration. It’s like there’s a wall and no amount of lists can push me through it.

      1. I did think of one thing that helps me — in my planner, instead of making a list of everything I want to do that day, I write down the one and only thing that I plan to do next. Then I do it and cross it off. Then I write the next thing I want to do and do it. I don’t know why, but somehow this is the only thing that helps in the moment when I’m feeling like this.

      2. Mine said that too.

   7. 1. I make a list bc the satisfaction of physically crossing something off is helpful
      2. I do better when I’m busy than when I have a light week. Like, why do something now, when tomorrow’s calendar is equally open? I try to trick myself by saying a big project could come in and then wouldn’t I regret not having taken care of some of the small stuff?
      3. tbh, time of the month. Some weeks I have way more natural energy and enthusiasm than others.

   8. Are you taking true downtime where you are not looking at emails, etc.? It’s easy to feel like you are not working that much but actually are still constantly monitoring/ thinking about/ in work mode. Maybe try to totally disengage for a day or at least a block of time outside your normal work hours or schedule a true day off. It might help you recharge.

      1. I told myself that I had to be super productive 3 out of the 5 days. The other 2 I gave myself “permission” to not be as on the ball. That seemed to kick start it for me … and bonus it made me realize that my job didn’t take 24/7 all in effort.

         1. Oh I like that. Kind of how I floss every other day because if I tried to do it every day, I’d fail and get mad at myself and then not floss at all.

         2. Oh, I think this may work for me. Thank you!

   9. This has been a BIG problem for me lately. In my case, it’s a symptom of diagnosed anxiety and depression, so treating those is essential.
      In a pratical sense, I make a list of just 2 or 3 things that need to get done that day and after they are done I let myself off the hook. I start with the harder/more time sensitive one and write a bad first draft, move on to the next thing, and come back and edit later.
      When my focus is just too bad, I put music on and do something mindless and less important, but that still needs to get done eventually (data entry, answering low stakes e-mails), so I still get to feel productive.
      As for caring, since I really like my boss and coleagues, I think about how my delays make their days worse, not so much how it impacts the client or the firm.

   10. I’m sorry. It sucks.

       One thing that often helps me is focusing on how much better I will feel once I’ve done the 1-2 main things. Like, I reach a point where the energy I spent dreading doing the thing is less exciting than the energy I could spend completing the thing, if that makes sense? Like, I get so mad thinking about what I haven’t done that I do it instead?

7. Is there a secret to wearing leggings in warm humid weather? Transplant to the SEUS. Morning temps are in the low 50s still, but some days the humidity ticks up, especially around evening rush hour (or formerly rush hour). I feel like the air can be sticky to where it is not so easy to even get them on. And yet I see people in them (maybe more acclimated? maybe there is a fabric that is better for this but aren’t they all synthetics). If you live in the SEUS, what do I need to do better? This is what I usually wear to avoid chub rub and shorts riding up, especially for exercising, but often casually now that I work from home maybe a week a month.

   1. I find leggings extremely unpleasant in hot, humid weather. You really want loose, lightweight pants or shorts . If rubbing is an issue, then legging shorts (the name for these is escaping me right now!) are a good option, though I personally find them annoying as the shorter ones tend to roll up and the longer ones are often too hot.

   2. Switch to Vuori joggers?

   3. I don’t wear leggings when it’s hot out. I wear shorts or linen pants.

      1. +1. Go with shorts or other looser pants.

   4. If you really want to wear leggings, put them on like pantyhose – roll them up.

      Otherwise, days with weather like this, I often switch pants as the day warms up. Leggings in the morning, shorts or lightweight joggers for the sunny afternoon.

   5. Not all synthetics are created equal. Synthetics that are wicking fabric, like for workout gear, can be much better in hot humid weather than cotton.

      But yeah, linens bottoms and flowy fabrics for very hot humid temperatures. Plus you do get used to it – I moved to DC from Michigan and really suffered my first few summers here, but you hit a point where you just accept that you’ll be sweaty and go about your day.

      My summer uniform is usually a lightweight dress, especially the swing style, I don’t care if they’re out of date. I’ve also found dresses from Prana that have a built in bra which is nice for very hot days so you don’t have to wear a bra. I pair the dresses with a version of Spanx that are a heavyweight cotton with some spandex. I recently found them at Target, brand name Assets, and I buy one size up. They don’t roll up, they prevent chub rub, and really aren’t any hotter than bike shorts would be.

   6. For exercise, I wear the leggings version of shorts. Bend Active is an Ohio-based brand that sells very good ones, that even have pockets on the hips.

      For daytime wear, I have sundresses and skorts (think North Face skort, not awful 1990s). Whether or not some people can wear leggings, I am not among them.

   7. Loose linen pants, flattery be damned

   8. Nylon vs polyester? And I don’t have vented ones, but that? And capri or 7/8 length vs full?

   9. I buy ones from the workout section that are wicking and not full length. Also this humidity is nothing compared to what it will be in 2 weeks so acclimation may be a factor.

   10. Big picture – you’re not going to be comfortable in the same clothes you wore before you transplanted. Hot, and especially HUMID weather is a whole other animal, and it is a huge difference. Prepare to basically start from scratch. Loose-fitting clothes is really the key.

   11. No secret. Do not wear them unless you want to sweat. I prefer Capri pants, and there is a big sale now at Nordstrom’s that will help you exercise more and tighten your tuchuses to the point that men will look at us again even post pandemic! I recommend you start here and see if you agree!

       https://www.nordstrom.com/s/wit-and-wisdom-wit-wisdom-ab-solution-high-waist-ankle-skinny-pants-regular-petite-nordstrom-exclusive/5109069?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FPants%20%26%20Leggings%2FCrops%20%26%20Capris&color=278

8. recommendation for source for vintage jewelry beyond etsy? I’m looking for emerald earrings and or necklace or ring but not finding much for past 2 years on etsy.

   thanks.

   1. Local jewelers, TBH.

   2. Do you have an Etsy seller you’ve used a few times before? Someone I’m friendly with sources and sells vintage jewellery on Etsy so I would just drop her a message and say ‘hey, if you see anything with jade that’s my style I will buy it from you’

      1. +1 – I have a vintage engagement and wedding ring from Filigree Jeweler (based in MN). They cross post some of their inventory on Etsy. But it would be easy to miss other items they may have if only looking at their Etsy shop. A private message never hurts. :)

   3. A local jewelry store is the way to go. For example I love Lang Antiques.

      1. I got my wedding ring there, they’re amazing!

   4. Beladora

   5. 1st Dibs.

   6. Beladora

9. Ridiculously happy – ordered this dress from Nordstrom for several summer weddings. They sent me the same print with a different top – one that did not flatter (I find scoop neck much more flattering and comfortable than a deep v wtih spaghetti straps, which is what they sent). Go back to immediately order the right dress as both the print and the pleated bottom and the tiers (which I normally despise) are awesome – sold out in my size. Look everywhere (or so I thought at the time) and everyone is sold out in my size. Return the wrong dress; start looking for a different dress. Today, went to the website for the brand and lo and behold, while it is sold out in many sizes they have it in mine, half off. It’s final sale, but I’ve already tried it on (in the different configuration on top) so know it fits. Such a score. It is the small things in life.

   Link:

   https://www.nordstrom.com/s/marchesa-notte-floral-puff-sleeve-tiered-midi-dress/5895394

   1. So pretty!

      1. +1

   2. I love this print! That top would be horribly unflattering on my itty-bitty-committee self, but LOVE the print!

10. This has been a BIG problem for me lately. In my case, it’s a symptom of diagnosed anxiety and depression, so treating those is essential.
    In a pratical sense, I make a list of just 2 or 3 things that need to get done that day and after they are done I let myself off the hook. I start with the harder/more time sensitive one and write a bad first draft, move on to the next thing, and come back and edit later.
    When my focus is just too bad, I put music on and do something mindless and less important, but that still needs to get done eventually (data entry, answering low stakes e-mails), so I still get to feel productive.
    As for caring, since I really like my boss and coleagues, I think about how my delays make their days worse, not so much how it impacts the client or the firm.

    1. Thread fail:(

11. Ideas for a snack box lunch? I’m in a new job where my schedule is uncertain and I need a lunch of kind of grab and go elements. I love the idea of cheese and charcuterie and a loaf of bread, but ideally I need something less salty with actual nutritional value. And please do not suggest hummus or anything bean related they do not sit well with me.

    1. I do a lot of cheese and crackers plus two options off the following list of stuff I generally have around:
       -Carrot sticks
       -Apples
       -Cornichons or sweet pickles
       -Dried apricots
       -Clementines
       -Cherry tomatoes
       -Olives

    2. Sandwich-sized ziplock of Honey Nut Cheerios (Omar Little, RIP)
       Jerky
       Oatmeal packets

       1. Omar comin!

    3. String cheese, berries, bananas, almond butter packets, nuts, pbj sandwich, grapes, snap peas, cherry tomatoes, deli meat, tuna packets, yogurt, single serving guacamole.

    4. No beans, no cured meats, no cheese, no crackers, no olives? That’s tough.

       low-salt/unsalted nuts would be important for protein for me. Paired with apples, orange slices, or a dried fruit maybe?

       Lara bars?

    5. greek yogurt, cottage cheese, hard boiled eggs

    6. I am obsessed with sun-dried tomatoes recently. You can get ones in a ziplock (vs in oil in a jar) and those are great for snacky-meals.

12. Do you ever get distracted while “gardening”?

    I’m into it, I’m comfortable, I like what we’re doing etc. I think its an ADHD thing tbh – I’m very relaxed and that somehow turns to my mind wandering, either overthinking what we’re doing or thinking about random stuff. It’s actually much better if I close my ideas because then I’m more focused in the moment.

13. I have decided to go low-to-no contact with one of my siblings for my own mental health. We have not had a good relationship for a long time and it was exacerbated by pandemic issues (sibling thinks they are the next Tucker Carlson, anti vax and COVID is a hoax on social media, while I know for a fact they had COVID and didn’t think it was fake, and then also got vaccinated). The silver lining of the pandemic was that there were no sibling get-togethers either so I didn’t have to deal with it.

    Now my other sibling is pushing for all of us to get together now that it’s “over” and I really don’t want to. I really enjoy that sibling and would love to get together one on one, but the three of us together is going to be a cluster-f, and I just have no desire. Organizing sibling is pulling some guilt strings with me.

    If you are low to no contact with family members, how do you deal with this?

    1. Probably not what you want to hear, but life is short and your siblings are your family. I have the same variety, antivax, trumpet, etc, so I get not enjoying them when they get on those topics. I’d enlist good sibling in helping change the conversation and just make those topics off limits. You might be surprised at how much you enjoy sibling absent those factors. I get cutting ties when there’s something really terrible that’s happened to you done by the other person, but a viewpoint difference is something you might regret splitting over as life goes on.

       1. Oh there’s terrible stuff. The social media stuff just cemented it. Sibling also stole from our mother and has told a million lies about me behind my back (it always gets back to me), and has said homophobic things about my son, assuming he’s gay, which he isn’t.

          1. Yeah – this is different than having wacky views on COVID. I wouldn’t cut a sibling out over politics, but this goes beyond that. You do you and don’t feel bad.

             1. I’m 1135 and agree with this, too.

       2. +1 – I’m all for cutting ties when someone is actually abusive, but the difference of opinions (to me) isn’t a reason to go completely cold. How do we ever expect to get passed this point in time if no one speaks anymore to people with whom they disagree?

       3. This is not great advice. People get to decide to go low contact with their family if they want to, don’t guilt people for making that decision. Do you think it’s easy to do?? Do you think people wouldn’t rather have wonderful picture perfect relationships with their families?

       4. There’s having a difference of opinions and then there’s actively buying into an incredibly harmful, racist narrative.

          1. My presence in the room isn’t an endorsement of anyone in the room’s views, particularly among family and in each other’s houses. We are pretty good about not inviting the actively drinking violent alcoholics or Great Uncle Touchy Feeley and wouldn’t fault people for leaving upon either’s arrival. But I will break bread with people of different viewpoints, especially if they are my family.

             1. Cool. You get to decide that for yourself. You don’t get to decide that for other people.

             2. I’ll see your Uncle Feely and raise you a Sibling Stealy, see comment above.

       5. ” You might be surprised at how much you enjoy sibling absent those factors.”
          You might not have the same kind of Trumper antivax relatives that OP and I have, because in my case, there is no separating their ideas and their identity. They have no identity outside of being QAnoner conspiracy theorist anti-vaxxer Trump supporters. It’s all they want to talk about; it’s all they can identify with or relate to. We can’t even talk about movies or TV shows because they go off on some tangent about ped0philes in Hollywood and how the “liberal elite” is pushing the “gay agenda” in entertainment. I tried to be around my off-the-rails relatives over the holidays and it was not a success. Until they come to their senses – which is getting less and less likely every day, as they fall deeper into the rabbit hole – I can’t be around them. They have sunk a ton of energy and time into becoming “one of those deplorables Hillary talked about” and do not know, any longer, how to turn it off.

          I also strongly disagree that just because people are genetically related to me, I have some kind of obligation to get along with them or see things their way. My genetic relatives are far less likely to come through for me in a bad situation than my own friends. This is not theoretical, this was demonstrated a few years ago when we had a major family crisis. I had friends who literally dropped what they were doing and charged credit cards or cashed in points to get on planes to come help. My blood relatives didn’t even text me to say “sorry this is happening.” For those of you in family systems where shared genetics actually means something, congratulations – that must be nice. For me, and many others, shared genetics means less than nothing and in fact, the only thing tying me to these people is the presence of elderly relatives who I don’t want to upset in their twilight years, by cutting off contact with the family members who are out in Trump La-La land. Once those relatives have passed I don’t think I will ever see or hear from most of my family members again.

          1. OP here, thanks for your perspective. It’s true about an emergency or a crisis, Sibling is the dead last person I would ever call in such a situation. 1) Most likely, they would refuse to help; 2) if they did decide to help, their brand of “help” would be all about themselves, and not actually helpful/potentially harmful.

    2. I am not close to my sibling for no reason other than we aren’t close and it’s fine. My live is fulfilling bc I make my friends my chosen family so you do not have to spend time with anyone you don’t want to spend time with.

       Unfortunately, the way to deal with this is to continue to reinforce your boundaries and respectfully end the conversation when it’s clear your other sibling isn’t going to give it up. You’re the only one who can reinforce your boundaries and you have every right to do so for your mental health. Say you aren’t interested in the full group get together but would love to see the organizing sibling, rinse and repeat. This internet stranger gives you permission to absolve yourself of any sliver of guilt here.

       1. Agree. My younger brother is just a person with whom I would never have a relationship in a million, billion years if he weren’t related to me (for a variety of reasons including but not limited to the fact that he’s a ridiculous MAGA-head), and at the end of the day, 60-plus years on, being related to me isn’t nearly a good enough reason. I see our older half-brother from time to time and that’s plenty of sibling-ing for me.

    3. I disagree heartily with anyone who says you have to get over it because “it’s family.” Being related to someone does not mean you have to like them. It does not entitle anyone to your time, energy, or love. I have had zero contact with my sibling for many years (violent, drug addict, alcoholic, just an all-around terrible person with no remorse). Once I have myself permission to let it go and stop caring, it was incredibly freeing and beneficial to my mental health.

       1. Thank you, and I’m sorry to hear about what a mess your sister is. That has to be heartbreaking.

          I suppose my issue is that I never had the “you and I are no longer speaking” fight with my sibling, I just did a fade. Stopped following on social media. Occasionally respond to group texts including sibling, but there’s no one on one. No phone calls.

          Now the idea of a sibling get together is in a group text including sibling. I’m not responding to all, but did respond to the organizing sibling (whom I get along with) saying I’m not interested, and that’s when the guilt tripping started.

          Did you have one big blowup with your sister or did you fade?

          1. I will chime in to say that for years I have only been in contact with my brother when he needs money, and recently he made an ask with the promise that “this is the last time.” I intend to take him at his word and not respond to any further communiques of any kind. No blowup, ever. (Because you have to have an actual non-transactional relationship to have a blowup, I guess.)

          2. Longer reply in mod but with my brother it’s a fade.

       2. I have a sibling exactly like yours – a physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive alcoholic – and resent the guilt-tripping over the years about “family.”

          Yet I believe that’s the exception to the rule. My father drove off his family for the reasons you mention (making his guilt tripping hypocritical and cruel), and the problem is, I now don’t have a relationship with people I actually like because he couldn’t get his sttt together enough to keep a relationship going. I do a lot of teeth-gritting around people who love my son, because I owe him those relationships. But father and abuser? Nope.

          1. OP here. My would-be trip organizing sibling is pulling the “this is what Mom and Dad would have wanted for us” (they’re dead.)

             1. They’re not here so they don’t get a vote. Also, the answer to that is “I wanted it for us, too, but alas it’s just not in the cards.”

             2. I’m the Anon immediately above. I don’t think the parents get a say over the relationships their adult children have – they are adults. So that guilt trip can die in a fire. Your parents having passed doesn’t change that.

                I just take issue to the idea that it occurs in a vacuum. Your sister can have a relationship with both of you, separately – she’s not entitled to a relationship with both of you in the same room. But a child who would benefit from having a relationship with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc should have that relationship, absent abuse, drug use, etc. Which means some adults might need to grit teeth.

    4. My brother and I exchange one text each a year. He sends me a birthday text and I send him one. That’s it. We are not close, we have never been close, and we never will be. We are polar opposites. He didn’t finish high school and was dishonorably discharged from of the military. He has never paid taxes and never held a job beyond his three months in the military. He is a die hard conservative who quoted Rush Limbaugh non-stop when we were growing up. I have advanced degrees, I have always worked (often more than one job), and my politics are pretty far left. We have zero in common other than being born to the same parents. This has been our relationship since I left for college about 30 years ago. He is not someone I choose to communicate with and he does not choose to communicate with me. When my parents tried to get us together, my answer was always a firm no with no discussion (and DH has always threatened that we would move and change numbers so parents would lose touch if they push it – I love him for that). They finally have accepted it and gave up. I understand that many people see this as sad or that I don’t value family. Maybe I don’t by their standards, but life is short and I have no regrets on this.

       1. I am another person who has almost no contact with my sibling. He’s not a Trumper or a miscreant; we just don’t have anything in common. We grew up in a tough environment – my mom had bipolar disorder that went undiagnosed until I was out of high school – and we just never bonded the way a lot of siblings bond. He’s not a bad person and I have love for him, but as far as conversing, “how are you” and “fine” about covers it. It is what it is.

          I think people who grew up in families where everyone is close, or in cultures where you’re expected to hang in with your siblings no matter what, maybe don’t have the right frame of reference to understand it. I haven’t talked to my brother since Thanksgiving, when we texted each other “Happy Thanksgiving” (he doesn’t celebrate Christmas so I don’t text him for that). I still have my friend group from high school and we’ve texted each other ten times since Wednesday. They’re family for me, in a way my own sibling never will be.

    5. My husband went no-contact with his brother after years of trying to deal with the inevitable blow-ups at any gathering. They’re currently in contact because of their father’s death and all the administrative fallout from that, but years of enforcing the boundary have actually made it much easier. OP, I can tell you that it’s a valid decision to make, and I believe that you haven’t made it lightly. You’re doing this for your own mental health, and I’m proud of you for making that choice.

       It’s really hard to enforce the boundary with other family members. You have to just keep doing it. Repetition makes it easier. Understand that your other sibling feels stuck in the middle, and do everything you can to alleviate that stress from your side. Don’t ask for updates on the sibling you stopped contact with. Cultivate your relationship with the sibling you continue to see so it isn’t about the other sibling. And keep reminding yourself of why you made the choice, because others will question you, and you need to maintain your resolve.

       I’m rooting for you.

14. I’m casually looking for a house (lol in this market) and just spend a lot of time on Redfin. Is there any benefit to working with a real estate agent at this point? Do they know about anything that’s not on Redfin? Just wondering if there are houses I’m missing by doing this on my own.

    1. I feel like a good agent knows the drama and backstory of a house and how much to bid over asking. The problem (IMO) is that the best agents tend to represent sellers (much less work to do, especially now, and still get paid the same), so finding a good buyer’s agent is an art vs a science. And an agent may know of houses about to come to market, which often get sold as pocket listings before they even go on the market.

    2. You are most definitely missing houses by relying on what’s on Redfin. Many of the best properties never make it that far.

       1. This really depends on the local area, and is not true for all areas. If it’s true for your local market, see if you see house that sole recently without being listed on redfin.

       2. Can you explain how properties don’t make it to Redfin? If that’s the case, how to prospective buyers and real estate agents find out about them? Doesn’t Redfin pull from the MLS listing database?

          1. Where I live, most than 50% of the houses are pocket listings. They never go to market. Seller contacts agent (or vice versa depending on the situation) and the agent already has a list of interested buyers. A sign never goes up outside and there is never an MLS posting.

             1. The last three sales in our neighborhood never made it to listing. The sellers contacted a Realtor who does a lot of work in this area of the city and has a waiting list of people who are interested in buying. Sellers contact him; he puts word out to the list of potential buyers he has; the deal gets done without the house ever getting listed. Like just about everywhere else, most of the deals these days are all-cash, waived inspection. I imagine the offers are also “over asking” but hard to know by how much since the houses aren’t even getting listed. It’s a whole new way of selling real estate, from what I understand, and will likely persist in “hot” or desirable areas even after the overall market cools off.

             2. This. The most connected realtors “farm” their preferred neighborhoods and they know when people are ready to sell, and they have their list of buyers at the ready.

             3. If you’re a buyer, how do you find a realtor with these types of connections? And if you’re a seller, why would you let your realtor do this? Wouldn’t you want to advertise as broadly as possible to creat a bidding war?

             4. I don’t think it’s that hard to find “the” realtor for the area you’re interested in. Around here I’d just ask around, particularly if you know somebody who lives in the target area. Also they tend to advertise HEAVILY. And for the seller, it’s easier and also if your realtor has THE buyer who wants your house more than another buyer, that buyer is still going to pay top dollar without all the muss and fuss. And also in this market the realtor probably has half a dozen or more buyers in his or her pocket so you can still have a bidding war! Source: Close friend who is a realtor and is also trying to buy at the moment.

             5. Look at who is regularly listing houses in your preferred neighborhood. Ask friends. Search the internet. Call finalists and ask if they’re willing to represent you as a buyer’s agent. The realtor I chose knew exactly what that was, knew how it was different from being a seller’s agent, and then showed me several publications he’d authored on the subject.

             6. OP at 1:32 – the “expert” Realtor in our area sends out postcards to all the households several times a year and also advertises himself as “THE Realtor for (X) neighborhood” on billboards near our neighborhood (and elsewhere, I’m sure). You might try walking in the neighborhood you’re interested in, and if people seem friendly, saying that you’re interested in moving into the neighborhood and do they know a good Realtor who specializes in this area? I know the name of our guy off the top of my head just because we get postcards from him.

    3. I can’t speak to Redfin specifically, but we spotted our house on Zillow ourselves. Our agent was still incredibly helpful for setting expectations about our budget and our market, figuring out how to negotiate a multiple-offer situation (which has only become more common), and then going through the inspection and closing process. Granted, our agent came highly recommended and 100% lived up to the billing, but I can’t imagine going through that whole process on our own.

    4. As a buyer, I think you’re 100% fine to work with a Redfin agent or, if you’re relatively smart/savvy, no agent. We went no-agent with our most recent house purchase, and it worked out great. We negotiated hard, we looked at the contracts, we hired the inspectors, etc.

       As a seller, I would only sell with an absolute gold-plated rock star of an agent. The seller’s agent has to do much more.

       1. Maybe in a buyer’s market. A seller’s agent now barely has to fog a mirror. Pricing is just a formality. The inevitable bidding war sets the price and if a buyer flakes, it’s not like there isn’t another one eager to snap up even a . . . house with people squatting in the basement.

          1. Totally, I do hear what you’re saying. But even if a house sells, I think with a bad seller’s agent, you can definitely leave money on the table. If they take bad photos, don’t give you good advice on staging, are lazy about open houses and follow up, etc.

    5. I found my house on redfin, and used one of their agents to buy since it was a lower commission rate. It was worth it for me to have someone to ask questions of and to help keep me on track during the buying process given that I was really busy at work, but I think I could have figured it out on my own if I wanted to

    6. I was deeply, exceptionally disappointed in my realtor…and still wouldn’t have gone it alone.

    7. We found both of our houses ourselves on redfin within an hour of their being listed. In the markets we were looking at, realtors did not have any heads-up (both super booming markets on opposite sides of the country). Where the realtors were helpful was getting us in IMMEDIATELY to see the houses and helping us create the best offers.

15. Sharing some Friday joy. I finished my first book on Kindle. I am blown away by how nice the Kindle Oasis is. It’s funny, as an Amazonian working for Alexa I have always thought our devices were …fine…but needed a lot of work. I take it back. The Oasis is perfection.

    Also, you know how I was looking for chemo closure projects? The library has a whole collection of spring project books on home ec, decluttering, decorating with plants… I am having so much fun reading and dreaming while I still can’t do.

    What is something good that happened to you this week?

    1. I did a presentation for a large group that I was nervous about, but it went well, and then I had lunch with some old friends!

       What’s different about the Oasis? I have a paper white and it’s just ok.

       1. The Oasis is awesome. I have it and a Paperwhite and I am always using the Oasis. The Oasis is faster, the screen is more responsive, and it’s waterproof (I bring my in the bath, camping, etc, so this is good).

          It took me a minute to get used to the slightly different feel, but I love my Oasis and use it every day. The responsive lighting is also great for reading in the dark, and I love how it auto-dims (I can’t recall if the paperwhite does this too…)

          1. My paperwhite isn’t backlit so it’s the same as reading a print book. If it’s dark I need a lamp.

       2. The shape and balance of the device is delightful. It’s a square, more or less, with one thicker side. Beats me *why* that feels so good, but it feels absolutely amazing.

          1. The one thing I missed was seeing the cover of the book every time I picked it up, and lo and behold it turns out there’s a setting for that!

       3. And congratulations on your presentation!

       4. I have both and honestly I end up reaching for the Paperwhite more often. There are a few areas where the Oasis is better, but I don’t think it’s worth the steep price jump from the Paperwhite.

    2. Yay! I adore my Oasis, too! Game-changer, man. Just the absolute perfect thing for the job it undertakes to do. What book did you read? I am reading A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan.

       Something good this week: This is a tiny, tiny thing, but the other night my husband and I were watching TV together and he had the nerve to eat the last Cadbury mini-egg out of my little ramekin on the little table between our TV-watching chairs, and when I discovered this unthinkable act of treachery and barbarity and confronted him about it, he laughed and laughed and clapped his hands with glee, which made me laugh and laugh, and I thought for the millionth time that I am just the luckiest person in the whole world to live in a house where we laugh instead of fight.

       1. I love the Cadbury egg story. <3

       2. What a great story. I read Home Ec for Everyone, so not quite a novel recommendation. I am looking forward to cooking more as I get healthier and trying to learn basics of pantry management, meal planning, etc. I was in charge of that before but had kind of made it up as I went along, and it’s fun to see other people’s systems. Fun fact from the book: wild rice is a seed, not a grain, and should be boiled and drained like pasta. Mind blown.

          1. I live in Minnesota and hand-harvest wild rice from our Northern Minnesota lakes and streams. We say that the hand-harvested stuff, as opposed to farmed wild rice (which is typically very hard and solid black) should be partially boiled, and then steamed to completion. The wild rice from rivers and lakes is indeed a seed (a grass seed), and it’s delicate.

          2. this always cracks me up. Aren’t all grains seeds? Like, if you want to plant wheat, wouldn’t you sow wheat grains to make that happen?

       3. Regarding your Cadbury egg story: I am convinced that 75% of the success of a marriage stems from hating each other’s favorite snacks. I’m only partially joking. My candy stash wll never go missing, nor will my husband’s, becaue we think each other’s taste is vile.

          1. Haha, right? Fortunately I have discovered that he is so tall that he can’t see what’s on the back of the bottom shelf in the pantry…

    3. Please post the names of any good books! In the same spring clean frame of mind!

       1. I really liked Home Ec for Everyone, particularly just the lists of pantry basics, which helped me think about what spaces we need in the kitchen. We figured out that we were using prime real estate (lower cabinet shelves) for things that just weren’t that important. Food was ending up everywhere on the countertops and we didn’t know what we had. We are now prioritizing putting pantry staples (we don’t have a pantry) where we can see them easily and see how much we have. So simple.

          1. And apparently I write novels today 😂.

          2. That sounds amazing — I love stuff like that!

       2. I’ve posted most of these already, but recently I have enjoyed:

          Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells
          Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel, which led me to her earlier works including Last Night in Montreal and The Singer’s Gun, as well as the more well-known The Glass Hotel (which I read when it came out a year or two ago but enjoyed re-reading because it shares some characters wtih Sea of Tranquility)
          The City and The City by China Mieville
          Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead — really tough but so good
          Beautiful Country by Qian Julie Wang — coming of age memoir by the author who immigrated from China as a little girl
          The Anomaly by Hervé Le Tellier
          The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

          That list is heavy on the sci fi, I see. If you want something a little lighter, I really enjoyed Red, White and Royal Blue and others by Casey McQuiston.

          Oh, and State of Terror by Hillary Clinton and Louise Penney!

       3. list in mod so check back!

          1. Oh, and also The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton, which I read by accident instead of The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and ended up liking quite a bit! Apparently soon to be on Netflix!

             1. Ooh! That book blew my mind. I can’t wait to see this! I hope it’s as good as the HBO Max mini series of Station Eleven

    4. I am still on the Kindle Voyager, and I love it. Seven years old, no hiccups. Today I’d choose the Oasis because frame buttons is a must for me and the paperwhite haven’t got that. I read fast, and having to move my fingers and swipe on the screen is a big no for me. Quick push on button – champion.

       For anybody on the fence – an actual e-reader with e-ink is SO MUCH BETTER to read on than a phone or pad. So comfortable. You can’t have glossy magazines, but anything black and white is so much better on an actual e-reader device.

16. I have a sibling that I agree with philosophically about many things. I still can’t be around her. She will want to discuss her Grievance Du Jour (there is always something, sometimes the same thing rehashed for years) ad nauseam, want you to agree with her and verbalize this throughout, want your verbalizing to be sincere to her satisfaction, and then start yelling at you if you fail in this or want to discuss anything else. This isn’t how discussions work with anyone else in my life, ever. What is going on with this dymanic?

    I’ve been text-only with her since before the pandemic (we don’t live in the same time zone), which is OKish, but sometimes I wake up to 20+ texts ranting about something. Luckily, she gets that I have a job (and she is on her 4th job in as many years, but in a field that is actually tough and I believe actually full of drama). She isn’t a bad person, and I feel bad for her that she can’t put a lid on it and has driven everyone else away.

    1. I’m op of the other sibling post. I don’t get one on one texts from my difficult sibling anymore, but I used to, and I did a lot of ignoring. Easier said than done, I know. I made a real, intentional (but unannounced) decision to fade away.

       I don’t know whether you’re looking for permission to do that, but I hereby grant you permission.

    2. Just the other day I was thinking of how different me and my brother are.

       It makes me wonder what kind of relationship we will have when our parents are gone.

    3. Your sister needs some therapy, it sounds like, to deal with anxiety/ocd/whatever is driving her to have that constant reassurance.

17. Wishing everyone a blessed and beautiful Good Friday, filled with mercy, peace, and love.

    1. The same to you. I am no longer Catholic but found Tenebrae service on Good Friday to be one of the most moving parts of the liturgical year.

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