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Anonymous
So Donald Trump is person of the year. Quite fitting because Hitler was too.
af sdaf ds
“Person of the Year’ just means most influential, most talked-about. It doesn’t mean “best”. A wreaking ball is impactful as well.
Anonymous
I kind of think it should have been Putin. The way Russia interfered in this election was historic and unprecedented (as far as I know).
anon
I think he’s been it before though.
Anonymous
There’s no rule against repeating though, is there?
Anon
Really? We’re comparing him to Hitler now? I have no love for DJT but comparing him to Hitler is way over the top and makes you look like you are out of touch with reality. If he starts invading other countries and shipping people off to camps you can compare all you want but right now doing so is moronic and people with sense won’t take you seriously.
Brunette Elle Woods
Didn’t he say he wanted Muslims to be required to register? Sounds like Hitler to me.
Emmy See
TBH he’s more reminding me of FDR right now.
af sdadfs
We have had plenty of racist presidents. In a letter to his wife Wilson wrote that “god made white people out of dust, n—– out of mud, and then out of what was left he made chinamen.
Anonymous
I’ve been reading about Castro a lot in preparation for a trip to Cuba and I see a lot of similarities there too, although of course their basic idea of political framework is very different. But Castro had that “I alone can fix it” attitude too.
MB
I’m not trying to make light of the seriousness of this type of action, but a Muslim comic recently sat next to Eric Trump on a flight and discussed this. Eric’s response was something like, “Of course we aren’t going to do that. This is a game, it’s all a game.”
CNN http://www.cnn.com/2016/12/02/politics/muslim-comedian-eric-trump-flight/
Buzzfeed https://www.buzzfeed.com/aishagani/this-muslim-guy-sat-next-to-eric-trump-on-a-plane?utm_term=.mkg2dgrLB#.mfryMwOY4
Anonymous
See, I know a lot of people say that and I want to believe it, but his crazy cabinet appointments suggest it’s not just a game or if it is a game, that Trump is just willing to sell out to whomever he thinks will be best politically.
Anon
It probably is just a game to Trump- but inciting hatred and violence against a particular ethnic group in the US is OK, as long as he’s just using that to manipulate the public? What part of that is acceptable
MB
I never said it was acceptable. I’m as horrified as anyone by what is happening, but part of me is at least somewhat relieved that there appears to be no actual plan to register Muslims. I am grasping for anything good here.
Anon at 10:17
I agree, I’ve been grasping too and I totally get that you dont think its acceptable. Just wanted to reinforce to others that whats been happening already, is very wrong, without even seeing what is next. I’m from NC and I am so sad Trump has had so many rallies here inciting hatred among people that are perhaps ignorant and sad (see Pizzagate gunman), but would not behave this way without encouragement. To me this is truly evil.
Anonymous
The Holocaust began with words, not actions. His words right now are awfully similar to the ones Hitler used in the early days. It’s valid to compare someone to Hitler of 1933. He may or may not become Hitler of 1941, that remains to be seen.
EM
Yes, unfortunately, this.
Brunette Elle Woods
Yes, and I would rather not wait until he starts invading other countries and shipping people off to camps.
Wendy
+1 Complete agreement as I live in one of the two closest invadable countries.
Lana
Yes, but it somewhat takes away to from that argument to bring it up with events that are comparable, but meaningless. To say “Hitler, Stalin, Putin, and Trump have all been Person of the Year” is one thing. To say “Bill Clinton, Obama, Pope Francis, and Trump have all been Person of the Year” says something completely different. However, both sentences are true.
We need to point out the similarities in their rhetoric, their policies, and the nationalism on which their movements were founded, not something like this.
Pay attention
Every last one of you needs to read this article from Masha Gessen (will link below):
Rule #1: Believe the autocrat. He means what he says. Whenever you find yourself thinking, or hear others claiming, that he is exaggerating, that is our innate tendency to reach for a rationalization. This will happen often: humans seem to have evolved to practice denial when confronted publicly with the unacceptable. Back in the 1930s, The New York Times assured its readers that Hitler’s anti-Semitism was all posture. More recently, the same newspaper made a telling choice between two statements made by Putin’s press secretary Dmitry Peskov following a police crackdown on protesters in Moscow: “The police acted mildly—I would have liked them to act more harshly” rather than those protesters’ “liver should have been spread all over the pavement.” Perhaps the journalists could not believe their ears. But they should—both in the Russian case, and in the American one. For all the admiration Trump has expressed for Putin, the two men are very different; if anything, there is even more reason to listen to everything Trump has said. He has no political establishment into which to fold himself following the campaign, and therefore no reason to shed his campaign rhetoric. On the contrary: it is now the establishment that is rushing to accommodate him—from the president, who met with him at the White House on Thursday, to the leaders of the Republican Party, who are discarding their long-held scruples to embrace his radical positions.
Pay attention
http://www.nybooks.com/daily/2016/11/10/trump-election-autocracy-rules-for-survival/
Blonde Lawyer
On the President meeting with him, what would you suggest as an acceptable alternative? Maybe he thinks he can teach him a few things before the transition. Would refusing to transition help this circumstance at all? Then when Trump fails it would be Obama’s fault.
Anonymous
Yeah, I’m actually glad Obama and other Democrats are meeting extensively with him. Trump seems to have no real ideology of his own, and absorbs the positions and views of those around him like a sponge, especially if the person he’s talking to flatters him. The more time he spends with Dems (or reasonable Rs, like Romney) the better. I don’t care if they kiss his a$$ if it results in him making less terrible decisions.
nasty woman
Do you think Hitler woke up one day and started to invade countries out of the blue, or do you think there was any lead up to it? Come on now. Use your critical thinking skills. This is high-school level knowledge. Anonymous at 9:06 is correct.
Anonymous
Right. I’m kind of surprised by how little many Americans know about the lead-up to the Holocaust and what Germany was like before the Third Reich. There is a lot more to understanding the Holocaust and how it happened than just knowing that Hitler murdered 10 million people and specifically hated Jews.
Anony
Yeah, but that doesn’t mean Trump is Hitler . . . . Come on now, use your critical thinking skills.
Anonymous
Of course he hasn’t done what Hitler eventually did, but I do see a lot of similarities between Trump and 1930s Hitler. My point that Americans don’t know enough about the Holocaust is tangential, not proof that Trump and Hitler have similarities. And I don’t appreciate the ad hominem attacks.
emeralds
Trying again to avoid moderation…
The rhetoric and policy proposals are similar enough to be profoundly disturbing to anyone who knows an ounce of history about modern European history. That doesn’t mean that Trump will get to circa-1944 Hitler, and I pray to God (and our separation of powers) that he won’t.
But it does mean that we should all be on high alert, and ready to defend the rights of our brothers and sisters. Never forget that the Nazis first came to power through the Weimar Republic’s democratic system. Link to excellent overview to follow, with special attention to the following quote:
“Within Nazi Germany, everyone did not support Nazism or the Nazi regime to the same degree and to the extent suggested by iconic photographs and film footage of Nazi-staged spectacles. As Doris Bergen writes, “Smooth functioning of the system did not require all Germans—or even most—to share every tenet of Nazi ideology. Enough enthusiasts could always be found to stage enormous public shows of support such as the annual Nazi Party rallies. On a day to day basis, the Nazi regime only needed most people to obey the law, try to stay out of trouble, and promote their own interests as best they could under the current circumstances.”9”
emeralds
Comment keeps getting eaten. TL/DR never forget that the Nazis rose to power through Germany’s democratic election system, and then stayed in power because enough people were willing to keep their heads down, obey the law, and try to stay out of trouble.
anonshmanon
Years before actually killing them, Hitler did blame Jews for a lot of political problems and considered deporting all the Jews from Europe as a solution. Also, his success was coupled to the common perception that the entire parliament was corrupt. And then there are certain grandiose personality traits in both, so that can really get you thinking.
Anonymous
Yes, they’re both widely believed to suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. Of course they are not alone in this, but there are several similarities beyond just their xenophobic and racist rhetoric.
Anony
Gosh, y’all. Cool it with the rhetoric. This is just unbelievable. I did not vote for him, but I would not compare him to Hitler. The one thing that is remotely comparable is the registry of Muslims, which is awful, but he hasn’t mentioned it in a long time, and as someone said above, would make him more like FDR than Hitler.
We have GOT to calm down.
anon
+1
anonshmanon
I think you might have to calm down. Nobody’s panicking. People here are saying there are similarities (more than just one) and that is worrying. Obviously, we’ll wait to see what actions he takes. But we’re still allowed to discuss the data points we have at this time, aren’t we?
Grammar
I think anyone comparing Trump to Hitler needs to step back from mainstream media, and listen to what Trump actually says. Not sound bites provided by CNN and MSNBC, but really listen to him at length. I certainly don’t agree with every single thing he has ever said. And I think that’s part of the problem we have – he is a polarizing individual. You can support him politically and not agree with every single thing he has ever said. I would hope that Hillary supporters don’t agree with every single thing she has ever said, she too has said some pretty awful things.
Now, our country has become divided in the direction we should be headed. The rhetoric on the left suggests socialism and possible communism. The rhetoric on the right suggests capitalism and individual rights and freedoms. Both sides believe their way is what is best for the American people.
Anonymous
“The rhetoric on the left suggests socialism and possible communism. The rhetoric on the right suggests capitalism and individual rights and freedoms.”
Um…what??? None of this is true. How is the left advocating “communism”?? And how does the right’s denial of reproductive rights and freedom to marry jive with supporting “individual rights and freedoms”?
nutella
Sorry Grammar, but you don’t get to say the left believes in socialism and communism and the right believes in capitalism and individual rights and freedoms and pretend that is an accurate statement. Socialists and communists believe in socialism and communism. Capitalists and libertarians believe in individual rights and freedoms. Those on the left are called liberals and those on the right are called conservatives. But liberal or conservative ideologies are a mix of many ideas. (i.e. You can be pro-life at the embryo stage but pro-death at the criminal penalty stage and be called a Republican). Likewise, you can be for food stamps but very much pro capitalism and still be called a Democrat.
You don’t get to paint groups with such a broad brush and try to pretend that what you said is at all accurate.
Beans
Nope. Your use of the far-right’s favorite phrase “mainstream media” tells me all I need to know. What does that even mean anyway? Does it also include Fox? How about Breitbart?
I’ve listened to what Trump says at length. I don’t get my news from sound bites and articles. It is scary as hell.
emeralds
Anony, would it make you feel better to specify that “Trump’s rhetoric is similar to Hitler’s rhetoric c. 1932”? Because that’s demonstrably true. Go read the speeches.
Julia
“The rhetoric on the left suggests socialism and possible communism. The rhetoric on the right suggests capitalism and individual rights and freedoms.”
How is elected officials hand-picking winners and losers among corporations capitalism?
Grammar
Beans, by “mainstream media” I mean the usual news outlets – CNN, FOX, MSBNC, etc. I have never read any news from Breitbart, so I can’t really comment on that. Another major source of “news” (which has come under criticism lately as ‘fake news’) is social media. So many “news” stories are posted and shared and spread throughout social medial that it gets very difficult for the general public to determine what is actual fact vs. opinion. For example, Huffington Post ran many articles throughout the election with the following footnote: “Note to our readers: Donald Trump is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther and bully who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims — 1.6 billion members of an entire religion — from entering the U.S.” Just an example of what ordinary people will read and assume is fact and truth without question, because it’s on a news website. When in reality, those comments are a person’s opinion, not fact.
Anonymous
@Grammer
What part of the Huffington Post label is untrue?
Also, see Pizzagate and Michael Flynn Jr. – y’all loving your fakenews/conspiracy theories straight to the top.
P.S. Climate Change doesn’t care that DJT doesn’t ‘believe’ – it’s like gravity – science doesn’t care what you believe. Science is fact and I don’t accept this ‘post-factual BS’. Opinions are not facts. Facts are facts.
Grammar
To Anonymous – To break down the HuffPo footnote, this is a person’s opinion, not fact:
Note to our readers: Donald Trump is a serial liar – Where is the proof that he is actually, a serial liar? Has he changed his position on certain issues over the years, sure. Who hasn’t? (Remember when Obama and Hillary were anti-gay marriage? And when Bill Clinton said we should deport illegal aliens?) Plenty of people evolve and change over the years and change their positions. I used to be pro-choice. After I had a child, I became pro-life, I changed. Changing over the course time does not make someone a serial liar.
rampant xenophobe – He is not afraid of foreigners. He actually married one. His position on illegal aliens (specifically those who have committed violent crimes) has nothing to do with them being foreigners, it has to do with the fact that they are here ILLEGALLY, regardless of where they came from.
racist – Was never called racist until he ran against the democrats.
misogynist – I don’t believe he truly has a hatred of women. Has he said some sh*tty things, of course. However, I’d like to look at his actions in business rather than some of his comments. He hires a lot of women, his campaign spokesperson is a woman, has already selected several women to serve on his cabinet, etc.
birther – Well, this one is true. So they get one point.
and bully who has repeatedly pledged to ban all Muslims — 1.6 billion members of an entire religion — from entering the U.S. – He is NOT pledging to ban all muslims. He is recommending that we suspend immigration from countries with significant ties to radical islamic terror groups until we can find a better way to vet refugees and be sure they are not terrorists entering our country under the cover of refugee status. I know it was not popular – but I’m reminded of the bowl of skittles. Yes, people are not skittles. But the concept is accurate. If you were given a bowl of 100 skittles and told that 3 of them will certainly kill you, but you have no way of knowing which 3… would you eat them? Until we can find a way to pick out the 3 deadly skittles, I’m not eating them.
Grammar
Anonymous:
Also, see Pizzagate and Michael Flynn Jr. – y’all loving your fakenews/conspiracy theories straight to the top.
What’s interesting is that I’m no longer on social media (haven’t been for a while) and I haven’t really heard much about this “pizza gate” story. However, given Bill Clinton’s frequent trips on the “Lolita Express” – I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some kind of sick thing going on, that the Clintons could be involved in. The Clintons are capable of just about anything. From my very short search – I do think it’s interesting that it appears this “pizza gate” story emerged late Nov 2016, and by Dec 4, 2016, was already widely “debunked” by major news media and snopes. (Which by the way, snopes is just a husband and wife team.) How quickly they all managed to determine no foul play… that’s probably the fastest investigation or at the very least inquiry, in the history of the world.
Lana
To respond to the one point you made that really irks me (the rest has its own problems, but I have a job to get back to) – there are not 3 deadly skittles. To stick with your (wholly inaccurate) analogy, there are 3 deadly skittles in an entire Skittles factory. Workers sift through the skittles at LEAST 10 different times to identify and remove the deadly skittles. You take one fun-size package of skittles from the factory. Would you eat them? Probably, you take bigger risks all day every day from the moment you wake up. If you question that they were examined 10 times, I suggest you read this article or speak to anyone with knowledge of how the UN refugee program works. http://time.com/4116619/syrian-refugees-screening-process/
Anonymous
This. The Holocaust was the ‘final’ solution but Hitler tried many other ‘solutions’ to the imagined problem of Jewish people. The war was preceded by a decade of hateful rhetoric and the gradual dismantling of the Weimar Republic.
As one example of many, see KinderTransport (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kindertransport ) Many of you are mothers, think about how scared those moms were to put their unaccompanied children on a train to strangers who spoke another language in another country. How desperate to save them they were – before the war – 3 years before Pearl Harbor.
My Austrian in-laws who lived through the war are scared to the point of tears by what they see happening now. No one is saying DJT is a genocidal manic but there is reason to be concerned, tyranny rarely emerges overnight.
Anon
Absolutely correct. Tyranny happens slowly. I do find it interesting that DJT has not even taken the oath of office yet, and already he is “the next Hitler” and everyone is scared. What happened over the past 2 presidencies, Bush & Obama that got us here, to this point? Like you said, tyranny does not emerge overnight.
Has anyone else read “The Light We Cannot See”? In the story (in occupied Paris), a little girl asks her aunt how this all happened. The aunt explains: What happens if you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water? The frog would jump out. What happens if you put a frog in warm water and slowly bring it to a boil? Will the frog realize it’s being boiled to death before it’s too late?
That said… is the water boiling yet?
Beans
@Grammar. If you don’t think Trump has a hatred of women, then your head is in the sand. Is he “nice” to attractive women or women who help him in his business? Sure. So maybe he just hates some women or unattractive women or women who don’t agree with him 100% of the time?
You are ignoring the evidence. Go read his tweets. Go listen to his interviews. Go watch his exchanges with various women.
It goes far, far beyond just saying “sh**tty” things.
lawsuited
Of course! Reductio ad Hitlerum.
Anonymous
You’re awesome!
workingmomz
Yeah we are, because if you look at his rise and Hitler’s, they mirror closely
Ellen
I agree. His own daughter converted to Judieasm to Marry Jared Kushner, and she is VERY nice and design’s great clotheing and accesories. I would NOT equate the 2 either. FOOEY!
Anonymous
Does anyone else think the people (person?) who starts this fight every single day is a troll just trying to get a reaction? And they succeed every single day
anonshmanon
or maybe people care.
Anonymous
No, I don’t buy that. If you care, you are going to mke a thought out and rational comment about the comparison. Not throw out a random, out of context comparison that you know people will jump all over
Anonymous
+1000
Wow
He deserves it. Love or hate him, he was by far the most talked about person this year.
Anonymous
All of you bristling at the comparisons to Hitler need to wake the f up. It is a chillingly apt comparison. Whipping up crowds, increased white nationalism, threats to register/round up and deport minorities. Are you people for real? Anyone who isn’t terrified right now is either not paying attention or is a member of a privileged group who feels that she will not be impacted by this. I know this sounds harsh – but it is the truth. This country elected a mentally unstable and racist fascist – and not comparing him to Hitler and ignoring the lessons from the past dooms us to repeat the same mistakes. Wake up. People are doing nazi salutes in public in Washington DC to Trump’s name. In NYC alone, police stats show a 115 percent increase in bias crimes since the election last month. 115%. Let that sink in.
Anony
So “whipping up crowds” is not a problem. Not at all. That’s what elections are for.
“Deporting minorities” means deporting people who are here illegally. That’s literally all he has said. Seriously, that makes him Hitler??? What?
“White nationalism,” yes, he has said some bad things, but again, that is not Hitler.
And yes, people doing those salutes are Awful, Disgusting, Worthless human beings. I don’t really know what to say about that. He has denounced them time and again, told them to stop, etc. What would you have him do at this point? I agree that they were probably emboldened by him, but let’s take it at this exact moment where we are. What more could he do that would satisfy you? I really am curious.
Anonymous
Because borders are a human made concept and no human being is illegal dotchaknow? Anyone who wants to deport people who are here illegally is a horrible, xenophobic, racist, like DJT.
Grammar
Are you being serious or sarcastic? I hope sarcastic, because then you are assuming that any country with secure borders is effectively a racist regime made up of racist citizens. Simply because their nation manages secure borders? What about Brexit? According to your logic, that was racist too.
(If you were being sarcastic then disregard all of this.)
Anonymous
I’m not Anonymous at 10:59, but Trump he has absolutely not denounced the neo Nazis time and again. He equivocated on rejecting the endorsement of David Duke. He said like once to stop. If you think Trump is doing all he can to stop the white nationalists demonstrating on his behalf, you’re suffering from a staggering failure of imagination. I imagine not appointing Steve Bannon would have been a good first step. Or saying I don’t want your support if you believe those things. Or any number of other serious, sober statements that this is unacceptable behavior.
Anony
Okay, again, I didn’t vote for him. And I’m not happy we are here. (And I agree about Bannon, don’t like that one bit.)
BUT the David Duke thing, they asked him about it, and he said, “I didn’t even know he endorsed me. David Duke endorsed me? Okay, all right. I disavow, okay?” It was out of context. They were talking about something else. He has since disavowed in many ways. “Of course I disavow and condemn them.” Etc. Etc. I just wish we could talk about the facts rather than these broad brush accusations.
Anonymous
Anony, the quote you cited was the second (or more) time he was asked about Duke when he did finally say he disavows Duke, and that quote came after a huge backlash and very harsh criticism even from fellow Republicans. The first time he was asked he said he didn’t know anything about Duke (even though the interviewer specifically referenced the KKK) and he would need a list of groups to research to determine whether or not he could condemn them.
“I have to look at the group. I mean, I don’t know what group you’re talking about,” Trump said. “You wouldn’t want me to condemn a group that I know nothing about. I’d have to look. If you would send me a list of the groups, I will do research on them and certainly I would disavow if I thought there was something wrong. You may have groups in there that are totally fine — it would be very unfair. So give me a list of the groups and I’ll let you know.”
Tapper responded: “OK. I’m just talking about David Duke and the Ku Klux Klan here, but –”
And Trump said: “Honestly, I don’t know David Duke. I don’t believe I’ve ever met him. I’m pretty sure I didn’t meet him. And I just don’t know anything about him.”
PrettyPrimadonna
Anon at 11:30 am…. you’re falling for the banana in the tailpipe if you honestly believe Trump did not know David Duke endorsed him.
I don’t believe you. You need more people.
Also, all of his “disavowals” came only after he was browbeaten into providing them.
anonshmanon
There is so much to disagree with here. Deporting illegals is not ‘literally all he has said’. Curtailing the civil rights of muslims, revoking citizenship when criticizing the government, advocating for locking up his strongest political opponent even though her wrongdoings had been investigated.
Let me ask you the opposite question: What he has said in order to win the election is supposed to be forgotten now (I don’t get this at all!). Who he is calling to work in his administration is supposed to not bother me. When, according to your logic, does it make sense to voice my objections to what this president is trying to accomplish? Should I wait until he signs the law/executive order? Or are you going to say ‘oh, but lets wait how this plays out in reality, keep your cool, everyone’? When do you think is the right time?
nutella
Whipping up crowds is a problem when it incites violence, which is why that is the standard for free speech.
Deporting minorities means deporting minorities, who may be citizens or here legally. The last time rulers registered despised groups some of the most despicable things happened (see Japanese internment camps, Holocaust, Armenian genocide, Syria and Turkey TODAY, etc.) If you are ok with that, I sincerely hope someone is around when they come for you and that you take the time during the holidays to reflect on just how g.d. lucky you are to be so privileged.
You know that white nationalism is racist hate speech, right? (Again, under the 1st Amendment, the government cannot curb that speech until it incites violence.) Sometimes it does rise to the level of violence, but even short of that, if you are OK with that, you are despicable. White nationalist groups have literally gone on the record rejoicing over his win because they see him as THEIR ADVOCATE.
He didn’t denounce them quickly enough. Let me ask you something, if I went around your town saying nasty hateful things while wearing a pin with your name on it, would you be cool with that? Wouldn’t you be ashamed that someone saying something so nasty would be doing so in YOUR NAME and that people would know you associated with me? Sure, voters are votes but one candidate was cool with people butchering women by their parts as a joke (see highest selling merchandise sold referencing HRC’s body parts) and also cool with calling other voters rapists and drug dealers.
Don’t like people calling you a racist or a bigot? Maybe you would understand then how a hispanic teenager who hasn’t even kissed a girl doesn’t like being called a rapist. Or how a Muslim woman doesn’t like being called a terrorist because she is religious.
I just can’t with you, Anony. You are the worst.
Anonymous
DJT’s actions go beyond politics as usual. Maybe ask yourself why this bothers you so much and why you feel the need to defend this awful human being. And read up a little about Hitler. You can’t avoid the comparison.
Anonymous
“Anyone who isn’t terrified right now is either not paying attention or is a member of a privileged group who feels that she will not be impacted by this.”
I don’t think it’s just this. It’s also ignorance/a lack of basic knowledge about history. I had an undergrad ‘History of Genocide’ course. When we covered WWII – there were 4 people who didn’t know that WWII started in 1939 not 1941 and knew nothing about the League of Nations or WWI reparations. It’s not surprising that people object to comparisons to Hitler when their understanding of the Holocaust/WII is based on Saving Private Ryan or Schindler’s list.
But I also agree that someone is stirring the pot by bringing this up regularly.
Anonymous
I’m not defending Trump, but I think it’s important to note on the deportation issue, Obama has deported more people than any other president. Including veterans.
*I voted for Obama twice.
Anony
Exactly. That’s a totally reasonable policy position. It DOES NOT MAKE YOU HITLER.
Anonymous
I don’t see anyone here drawing a parallel between Trump’s desire to deport illegal immigrants and Hitler’s policies. The comparison to Hitler is based on Trump’s statements about people – including US citizens and permanent residents – who happen to practice a certain religion or have a certain ethnicity.
Anonymous
As an Obama voter, you should note that Obama focused on deporting those who committed certain classes of crimes (primarily violent) and also created DACA (which is designed to help young undocumented individuals). So comparing Obama to Trump regarding immigration is not apples to apples at all.
anonshmanon
I would also consider that it is likely that illegal immigration increases from year to year (unfortunately, I haven’t found the respective numbers from Homeland Security yet). But I believe Bush also deported more illegal immigrants than any president before him. Obama continued the trend. That doesn’t reverse the statement, just makes it less sensational.
Grammar
So “whipping up crowds” is not a problem. Not at all. That’s what elections are for.
*To add to this, violence at rally and protests was more commonly from those opposing him, not those supporting him. (We can all agree there are the crazies on the extremes on both sides, but more often than not, the violence came from those protesting Trump, not his supporters.)
“Deporting minorities” means deporting people who are here illegally. That’s literally all he has said. Seriously, that makes him Hitler??? What?
*Also, adding to this, his position is NOT to round up anyone who isn’t white and ship them off. On the contrary, he has focused on deporting illegal aliens. Within that focus, the more direct focus is on illegal aliens who have also committed violent crimes in our country. A country does not exist without borders, period.
“White nationalism,” yes, he has said some bad things, but again, that is not Hitler.
*I’ve stated I don’t agree with every single thing Trump has ever said. (I don’t think anyone could say that about any politician.) In general though, he does not support white supremacy. He has actually made a point to speak to black Americans and pose the question, “under our country’s leadership in recent history, is your life better? If not, why not try something different? (Meaning the establishment, both sides, have not really served black Americans. Perhaps an outsider might do better.)
Maizie
Trump’s question to African-Americans is a bit ironic considering that Trump and his father were sued in the 1970s for not abiding by fair housing laws. I mean, maybe Trump has changed and repented but maybe not. He didn’t sound regretful of his earlier behavior when the issue emerged during the campaign.
Grammar
Maize, Trump also opened up his golf course in the 80’s to minorities in Florida, when all other courses in the area prohibited them.
nasty woman
“In general though, he does not support white supremacy. He has actually made a point to speak to black Americans and pose the question, “under our country’s leadership in recent history, is your life better? If not, why not try something different?”
Hahahahhaha. Are you serious? You can’t be serious…. In the face of every racist (subtle or overt) thing Trump has said/advocated for and his appointment of Bannon (which you have glossed over) and Jeff Sessions, your argument that Trump does not support white supremacy is that he *ACTUALLY MADE A POINT* TO TALK TO BLACK PEOPLE. Wow how noble of him, what a monumental effort. And by “talking to black people,” you mean “asked them to vote for him.” Just wow. Color me convinced.
Grammar
Nasty Woman, My point was not that he “made a point to talk to black people.” His message was “what have the democrats done for you? Give me the chance to serve you better, because you deserve more.” I don’t know enough about Bannon’s actual history (of his own work) to label him one way or another. Jeff Sessions was labeled racist because in 1987 he referred to a younger law clerk as a “boy.” That’s it. That’s his “racist background.” One comment that could have been misconstrued 29 years ago.
Wildkitten
YOU DO NOT GET A GOLD STAR FOR ACCEPTING MONEY FROM BLACK PEOPLE IN THE 1980S. THAT IS NOT AN ACHIEVEMENT. THAT IS NOT EVEN THE BASELINE. MY EXPECTATIONS FOR HUMANS IS HIGHER THAN THAT.
all caps white girl rant over
Grammar
Wildkitten, You’re missing the point. When all other establishments were discriminating, Trump stood his ground and refused to discriminate. You know if a Clinton did that you’d be singing about equality and how amazing they are.
Wildkitten
NOPE. NO GOLD STARS. NO SINGING.
Grammar
So if a Clinton did the same thing – you would blast them being racist too?
Beans
@Grammar. If you think Sessions’ only “racist” behavior or comment relates to the reference to “boy,” you are wrong. Just wrong. As someone who has lived in Alabama for years, his issues go way beyond that:
– testimony indicating that he was heard by several colleagues commenting that he used to think the Klan was ok until he learned they were pot smokers;
– calling civil rights organizations as Un-American;
– calling the VRA a piece of intrusive legislation;
– charging black civil rights activists with mail fraud, altering ballots (later acquitted)
– asserting that Shelby County, Alabama has never had a history of denying voters (WTF); and much more.
nasty woman
Grammar-please. Serve them? Serve them how? By bringing back stop and frisk? By diverting public funding from public schools to private schools, further degrading the quality of such schools? By telling them that they live in horrific conditions? By further reducing social safety nets? By reducing access to reproductive health care? By killing the EPA (I’m sure you don’t know this, but black/minority communities are disproportionately impacted by environmental contamination)? By appointing racists? I can’t believe that you can sit here and tell us “nuh uhhhhhhhhhhhh Trump’s not racist and I feel qualified to say that even though I don’t know anything about Bannon or Sessions” with a straight face. Seriously, one comment 29 years ago? F on out of here with that.
Face it. All he did was sh*t on the dems and ask for their votes. That in no way whatsoever supports your conclusion that he does not support racist policies, that he says things that are racist, that racists support him.
Plus, you don’t understand the difference between switching a policy position and being a serial liar. Check out polifact. Check into reality. Your willful ignorance and intellectual dishonesty is disgraceful. You should examine why you are so motivated to defend this man.
Anonymous
I think the comparisons to Hitler are liberals trying to whip up unrest because their candidate lost.
Soup transportation
I’m going to a holiday potluck where I have to bring soup. What is the best way to transport soup (in an uber) and have it arrive at the party still warm?
LondonLeisureYear
Carefully in a Crock pot!
Or depending on time you have at their house before eating bring it cold in containers that won’t spill and reheat on stove or in crockpot.
If you have a huge thermos or more than one thermos that could also help it not spill and stay warm.
Anon
If you go the thermos method – don’t forget to fill your thermos with boiling hot water for a few minutes, then dump it out and pour the soup in. It will help it stay warmer for longer.
Jen
How about in a ziplock inside a crock pot or thermos?
Senior Attorney
Ooh! That’s a good idea!
bridget
Get the Saran wrap with wax on one side (press ‘n seal?). Cover the top of the crock pot with that, then press the lid on top.
Anonymous
In a tupperware that seals, placed inside one of these:
https://www.amazon.com/Hannah-Insulated-Shopping-Bag-Navy/dp/B00JFOQ0XS
If I tried to bring mine in my crockpot, I’d be paying the cab driver to have an entire crockpot of soup cleaned out of his car.
BB
Agree with the tupperware. You can get glass ones that are waterproof.
Blonde Lawyer
You can get insulated crock pot carry things that zip shut that should contain anything that does spill. I’ve only used it with something thick like chili though.
Gatlinburg
My heart goes out to people from Gatlinburg. I’ve never been there before and I understand that many things (Dollywood!) survived the fires and other things will be rebuilt. I was planning a trip to Asheville, but now I am thinking that my $ may be more needed in Gatlinburg. Could anyone comment on when (spring 2017?) might be a good time to visit?
I’m in the SE US, about 4 hours from Gatlinburg, and will be bringing school-aged children who dig country music.
Tech Comm Geek
This is a great idea. We’re also thinking about a trip. Ours is based around an event at the end of June, which friends say is a great time.
Nashvillian
Assuming that you can find lodging (as I understand a lot of it was damaged or destroyed), June is a great time to visit. It’s crowded, but it’s not yet obscenely hot in east Tennessee. The natural parts of Gatlinburg in the park are beautiful at that time (take the gondola at Ober Gatlinburg!). As a Tennessean, I appreciate your thoughts in this manner. This has been a very hard loss on the eastern part of the state, as this area is a massive employer. Not to mention the natural devastation.
CMT
I just loved Dollywood and Pigeon Forge. I’d love to vacation there again. I wish I didn’t live so far away.
all about eevee
I live very close to Gatlinburg. I recommend eating at the Old Mill, going to Ripley’s Aquarium and Dollywood, and spending a significant amount of time in the Great Smoky Mountains themselves. It is a beautiful area. You can find plenty of lodging in nearby towns that were not touched by the fire, such as Townsend.
Care package help
My 15 year old niece has had a major disappointment and although I’ll be seeing her in 2 weeks when I go home for the holidays I want to send her a care package now to let her know that I’m thinking of her. She’s really upset and cried when we talked on the phone yesterday. (She was on a sports team at school but because of a new policy involving transgender students in sports she was cut to make way for a transgender student who had tried out originally.) I know this will pass but she’s heartbroken right now because she loves the sport. She’s 15 and likes sports, reading, makeup and clothes. Any recommendations are appreciated. TIA.
Anonymous
I think Athleta can make all things better (as can a Kiehl’s gift bag).
And re the trans policy — depending on the sport, this seems to present inherent unfairness to biological females (like if it were a shooting sport, perhaps it’s a more level field; but while my hockey game is good, I’m not going to be able to beat a male player unless you also start having weight classes like in wrestling). Not sure that the world has thought this through enough (esp. with schools).
Anonymous
I got in to this once with somebody and apparently after a couple years of being on hormone treatment you lose the “biological” advantages of being male… my point was a woman who had gone through puberty as a man/not under hormone therapy would inherently have more muscle, be stockier, etc than a cis female who had gone through puberty as a female. (I think we were talking about Chloe Jonsson, who transitioned from male to female and was suing CrossFit for the right to compete as a female.) I don’t see how hormones could overcome just having more muscle.
Also, this sucks and seems like a cr@p policy.
I like to send a good mix of things in a care package – something to distract, something to treat yo self, something to eat.
tesyaa
You can certainly lose muscle and bone mass due to hormonal changes (as many women do at menopause, for example).
Anon
No way does giving someone hormones means you are suddenly on a level playing field. Women’s wider hips and other body angles/proportions that simply won’t be fully overcome with hormones make them slower, weaker, etc.
Wildkitten
Presumably the team has more than one member and so there are both transwomen and cis women who are better athletes than the niece. It sucks to be cut from a team, but life is unfair. Michael Phelps is always going to be a better swimmer than me, even if I practiced as much as him, etc. Different people have different bodies and sometimes you get cut from the team.
Wildkitten
And I love the Athleta suggestion.
Anon
Anyone who says that staying on hormones for a few years reduces the advantage of being born male is lying. You will retain larger body structure, greater muscle, greater lung capacity, different ratios of fast-twitch fibers, no periods, etc. Plus, there is no requirement to take hormones to call yourself transgender anyway. There have been several cases lately where transgender women who never won much among the males are now transitioned and destroying the field in the women’s category. It’s definitely not fair; sports are divided by sex for a reason.
Baconpancakes
Can you elaborate on the sporty-themed gifts? Kiehl’s a gift bag? What would be in those/where would I buy that? I’m probably doing a “family” gift for my SO’s family but was thinking I might get something for his teen and neonate sporty half sisters.
Grammar
What about thinks like Nike sports head bands (the ones that stay in place while running/moving, etc), a pack of athletic socks (I love the neon colored Under Armor ankle socks, for form & function), a cool water bottle, pack of face wipes and tinted moisturizer (when I run mid-day I often use the wipes and then the tinted moisturizer post workout).
Anonymous
Kiehl’s dot com has some pre-made gift bags on it. Some are just really nice lotions, etc. that aren’t full-blown makeup. I would love any of them and think that they are perfect. Bliss Spa also does them.
LondonLeisureYear
Lush bath bombs
Movie gift card
Cozy scarf hats and mittens
Sheet Face mask
Yummy hot chocolate or chai tea mix
Notorious RBG book
Frozen Peach
Gifts that have gone over swimmingly with my teenage goddaughters:
– Clinique black honey almost lipstick
– BUST magazine subscription (though YMMV with the feminist content)
– Lots of little perfume samplers from Demeter Fragrance
– The yoga kittens calendar
Anonymous
Sephora gift card, fuzzy stuff (scarf, blanket?), hot cocoa mix.
Also, not to get into it too much, but would it have killed them to have both on the team? That seems like the fairest solution to both kids in this situation under the new policy. At least at my high school (where we paid for our uniforms) team size was almost entirely at the individual coach’s discretion.
TorontoNewbie
If she loves the sport, is there another league she can play in?
Sporty themed gifts… workout gear, HR monitor / wearable (HR Charge or a Garmin), book on female athletes, fuzzy scarf, chocolates, subscription to a magazine about the sport, headband, nice workout socks, Sephora gift card / Sephora makeup lesson
Bonnie
Nordstrom has a few fun nail polish sets like this one http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/julep-royal-suite-holographics-nail-color-set-limited-edition-42-value/4498983?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort
Depending on your budget, you could also get her a Zella outfit like this sweatshirt with a tank and leggings: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/zella-ready-or-not-crop-pullover-top/4512947?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=GREY%20WOLF
anon
Lululemon leggings and headband. My daughter’s 16 but would have been super into that at age 15, before she turned into a hippie.
all about eevee
This comment is hilarious. Props to your hippie daughter.
Lobbyist
I think Lush bath products are all the rage among the teen set
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
What sports does she play/like? That would change what sports stuff would make a good gift.
numbersmouse
I think a few valuable items would make a better gift than a bunch of stuff she could get herself at the mall. I’d suggest an Athleta or Lululemon gift card, a makeup palette or small set from a designer brand (I used to love Stila as a teenager, but I hear Urban Decay is the “in” brand these days), and a book. For the latter, you have three choices: 1) find out more about her reading habits and pick something that complements what she’s read, 2) pick something somewhat obscure but that you love or know is good, or 3) think about what she’s like and find a good fit. Specific recs: If she hasn’t read everything by John Green, that’s a good pick (I’d go for Paper Towns over The Fault in our Stars). If she’s a bit quirky and a misfit, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli is brilliant. If she’s into fantasy, Terry Pratchett and/or Neil Gaiman–or into sci-fi and hasn’t read Asimov yet, I’d say I, Robot or a nice set of the Foundation books (which she may not read immediately but will be really nice to have eventually). Amazon bestseller lists in each subcategory of fiction are really useful in this case.
Anonymous
Isn’t just about every item of clothing hand washable? I don’t really see how that’s a selling point for the skirt. it’s pretty though and if I had a more formal office I might get it.
anon
For me hand washable means machine washable in a delicates bag in cold water.
nona
Me too. That’s also my definition for dry clean for anything with natural fibers (cotton, wool, cashmere).
anon
Do you wash wool suits that way too? I have a couple of AT and BR suits that I’d appreciate being able to machine wash.
nona
I have with both a BR suit and a JCrew stretch wool suit – using the Laundress Wool/cashmere wash, cold water, delicate/knit cycle, and with each suit part on a bag. Then hang to dry.
If you have pants, I hang them with a clamp hanger, from the hem, so the weight of the garment gives a little stretch. I’d also probably go for a curved hanger for the suit jacket too – sized so that it’s not too long/short for the shoulders, so the garment can hang properly when drying.
You’ll need a steamer to get any wrinkles out of the jacket. Pants I would iron.
Anonymous
The only things I’ve accidentally ruined by handwashing them have been some synthetic sweaters. If you get them wet they’ll shrink, even if you lay them flat to dry. This skirt I would not hesitate to put in the washing machine on delicate in a bag with cold water.
anon
No, a woven wool skirt with lining is not hand washable. I mean, you can do it, but it will never hang correctly again unless you get very, very lucky.
Oslo
I have a 7 hour layover in Oslo. Any suggestions about things to do during a 3 – 4 hour period of time in the afternoon? I especially love to eat and see weird local stuff.
Anon
I have found this website help when traveling to find out local food. Maybe they have some suggestions for Norway: http://eatyourworld.com
Cb
Just a note – there are two airports in Oslo, the budget one which is a long bus journey from the centre and the main airport which is closer to town but still a very expensive taxi ride away (good train links though – just arrived after the train stopped running).
Beth
The walk on the roof of the Opera House is a great view of the city!
On weird things–not sure when you will be there, but Korketrekkeren is a 2 km (yes, that is correct) sled run that is metro accessible. Basically, you rent a sled, take the metro to the top, ride down and repeat as often as you’d like.
NYCer
I agree about the Opera House.
Oslo
OMG I hope I can do this. THANKS.
Cat
As with other top-to-bottom zippers, I don’t care for this one as officewear. Plus, that zipper + tights = recipe for disaster.
Emmy See
Agreed.
overreacting?
Am I overreacting? My bf of 4 months and I had separate plans last night. I called him after and asked what he’d been up to. He said the following (all was new to me). He had dinner with a coworker, a woman he rarely sees as she’s in a different office in our city. Before he and I were dating, he’d asked her out to dinner, they went out once but he decided he wasn’t interested in her. He didn’t communicate this to her directly and she’d occasionally ask if he was interested in getting dinner again, which he was repeatedly noncommittal about. She’s transferring to a different location next week, asked him again if he wanted to get dinner, and he said okay. At dinner, he told her he had a girlfriend (she told him she liked his shirt and he said “my girlfriend got it for me”). She said, oh, didn’t realize you had a girlfriend.
I said to my bf, should I just think of this the same as if you said you’d gone out with a male coworker for dinner? He said I could spend as much emotional energy on her as I wanted, but he wasn’t spending any, because he wasn’t and isn’t interested in her, and besides, she’s moving away in 2 days. He asked what I wanted from him, and I said I just want to feel secure about our relationship. He said that was a question I had to answer for myself but not really related to whether he went out to dinner with a woman he wasn’t interested in. This whole conversation was calm in tone.
I don’t think of myself as jealous but something isn’t sitting right with me.
Never too many shoes...
Honestly, I think you are overreacting a bit. Caveat, I am the least jealous person ever about this kind of stuff.
Cat
Eh, this doesn’t seem outrageous to me. Personally, at that stage, now-DH and I would tell each other in advance what we were up to, but this just seems like lots of crossed wires and lack of intention to flirt/cheat.
overreacting?
Thanks. I totally believe him that he didn’t intend to flirt/cheat–and she’s not even going to be in the same state now. So I’m not precisely sure what I’m unhappy about. Something just feels off. But it could be me.
NYNY
I understand you feel a little funny about what happened, but to me, it sounds really good. I believe that ghosting on someone is a way to keep them on the hook. Your BF went out with his coworker a while back and decided he wasn’t that into it, but he didn’t close the door. Now he did, and he stated it was because of you.
anon
I think he should have told you about the dinner in advance, but provided he did that, I think it was ok to go to the dinner. The main point is that he should have looped you in (e.g. “ugh this coworker has a crush on me and won’t leave me alone, I think I’ll just go to dinner with her to shut her down and let her know I have a gf… that cool with you?”)
anonshmanon
to me, it seemed like BF was oblivious to the intentions of coworker. Which would be believable if it were my BF…
overreacting?
I agree. Would have been fine with that.
anon
I would tell him that then (that in the future, in this type of situation, he should loop you in). You’re a team now.
Anonymous
This would have been the way to handle it. He handled it poorly but not necessarily because he was trying to be shady. I’d set an expectation that you give each other advance notice of a solo dinner with a person of the opposite sex.
DC Anon
What, seriously? Advance notice of a solo dinner with an ex, yes. But advance notice of a solo dinner with an opposite sex friend is kinda ridiculous when you’ve been dating for 4 months. It would come up naturally with my husband — it would be on our calendar and I would likely mention “hey I’m getting dinner with [x] tonight”, so that he remembers I’m not cooking dinner. But the whole presumption of sketchiness around even totally above-board opposite sex friendships really bums me out.
anon
I don’t think it’s outrageous, but I also don’t think he should have gone to dinner with a female coworker he knew was interested in him without making it super clear that he’s not interested but they can interact as coworkers or whatever.
anonshmanon
Well it comes down to whether you believe him. He says he is not interested in her. And that he told her of you. And that this was a surprise to her. So you may very well believe she had a romantic interest in him. But can you trust him when he claims that that interest is not reciprocated? It really comes down to this.
overreacting?
I do believe him. Not 100% sure what my issue is. He didn’t hide it from me, but he wasn’t 100% forthcoming about it in advance either. Maybe that’s okay…
Anon in NYC
I think your boyfriend is technically correct in his response to you, but also at the same time, his response seems really cold. What is the value in being technically correct if your SO is unhappy? Like, sure, he doesn’t care about this coworker that way, but why couldn’t he be a little more reassuring when you expressed some discomfort? (Also, just my personality, but I would have been annoyed about a lack of disclosure pre-dinner.) I don’t think you should fly off the handle, but it wouldn’t sit right with me either. At the same time, I’m not really sure what more you can ask of him at this point. I think any further discussion of this, if you even want to go there, should be done in person.
overreacting?
Thanks, I agree on both counts.
Scarlett
You could be feeling weird about it depending on your level of desire to be in the relationship and how you’re feeling about him. I’ve felt awful after minor things in past relationships and I should have listened to myself because they were signs he wasn’t the right person for me. If you feel bad, there might be a reason that’s not what happened but what’s underneath it all. This could just be a flag that he’s not emotionally right for you. Fwiw, I don’t think you’re overreacting, this seems like a little bit of a trust issue. It’s objectively “fine” on its face I guess, but I’d want my partner to be totally forthcoming with me all the time (and vice versa) and that didn’t happen here. I also don’t think stage of the relationship matters too much. When I was first dating my husband we both were completely honest and open about everything because that was the policy we wanted to establish for our entire relationship. In your scenario that would have meant a complete discussion about that dinner ahead of time.
overreacting?
That is a good point, Scarlett. I really want him to be the right person for me, but I guess time will tell…
lawsuited
You are allowed to participate in setting the rules for your relationship with this guy. Say, “I don’t have an issue with you having dinner with a female colleague. What bothered me was finding out about it after the fact, and having to worry whether there was a reason you didn’t tell me beforehand. It would help me if in the future you could let me know beforehand if you were having dinner with a female colleague so I’m not taken by surprise.”
Anonymous
I agree with what you’re saying, as long as the rules are the same for notification for a male and female colleague. Separating male and female colleagues into two different categories is perpetuating divides in the workplace that absolutely don’t need to be there.
DC Anon
Yeah I just don’t agree with lawsuited’s take. They’ve been dating for 4 months. Totally normal to have dinner with a colleague without mentioning it to your gf/bf ahead of time.
Anonymous
I won’t say whether you are over reacting or not, but he is right in one sense, he can’t make you feel a certain way about the relationship. Your feelings are yours. You choose how you react to things.
Is he meeting your needs and giving you what you want in a relationship? If the answer to that is yes, then I would try to dig down into why this particular event bothers you so much. Did you have someone betray you in the past and this may be digging up feelings from that situation?
I am very much of the I will not police your behaviors because you are an adult, but there will always be consequences for your actions type of person. If he had told you about this ahead of time, what would you have said?
This would be NBD to me, but you are not me so . . .
mascot
Absent a compelling reason not to, I think a good rule is to assume good intentions. This is a woman who he decided he wasn’t interested in, independent of and prior to his relationship with you. He’s rebuffed possible advances from her. Because they are co-workers and she is moving and there may be a professional reason to be cordial, he had dinner with her. Just in case she hadn’t got the message earlier, he deliberately brought up that he had a girlfriend. Then, in the interest of being transparent, he told you about the whole thing when you asked what he’d been up to. I’m not seeing any issues here based on what you’ve said.
Anonymous
All of this. You are overreacting. He doesn’t have to pre-clear every entirely platonic interaction with a woman.
DC Anon
Completely agree.
Anonymous
+1
He independently brought up in conversation with this woman that he had a girlfriend, and then told you about this entire interaction voluntarily immediately afterwards.
I don’t think he was required to tell you specifically who he was having dinner with in advance, and were I him I would balk at being asked to do that. It would smack, to me, of a request to get my SO’s approval before I get dinner with another man, and I’m just not interested in being in a relationship where that’s something I’m required to do.
Senior Attorney
Yup. All of this. I would also balk at being required to clear dinner engagements in advance.
Also, another view on the poster above who said “if you are feeling bad it may be because he’s not the right guy:” I spent a good amount of time feeling anxious and insecure when I was dating Lovely Husband. And it wasn’t because he wasn’t the right guy (he is the super duper right guy!), it was because I was an anxious and insecure person and I needed to work through that stuff. So it might be him but it might be you.
Anon2
I’m team boyfriend on this one.
Tutti
+1
Anon
You’re overreacting.
Anonymous
I don’t think he did anything so bad with respect to your relationship, but it sounds like he was kind of leading this poor woman on. Would he have even told her he had a girlfriend if she hadn’t specifically mentioned the shirt? She basically asked him out on a date (since they went out on a date once before) and at that time he should have mentioned you or made it clear it was a friendly outing, not a date. Maybe this was all unintentional on his part, but it’s a bit insensitive.
overreacting?
I’m sure he just didn’t want to have an awkward/direct conversation with her…but I agree!
Anonymous
Yeah, I think it would have been nicer to offer up a less date-like location (maybe coffee), which might have also served as a warning. But maybe not! Who knows.
Anonymous
Agree. And coupled with his somewhat dismissive sounding response to you, I wonder if he knows this and is being a little bit defense.
Anonymous
My preference is that my SO not go to dinner alone with a woman or have a woman alone over to his house. Both just seem date-like and unnecessary when there are alternatives such as lunch during work hours. When I’m single I only go out with coupled guy friends if their SO is there or we have a “chaperone,” like another mutual friend.
Anonymous
This seems so sexist to me. My work is too busy to allow for lunches during work hours. and I think part of what holds women back is wives not letting their husbands network with women.
Anonymous
couldn’t you network without a dinner date? do guys typically network via a one-on-one dinner date? but if that is necessary, then I would understand….(my SOs haven’t been in networking type fields).
Anonymous
I think there are ways to network that don’t involve dinner alone at a restaurant. Happy hours, dinner in groups, lunches, coffee meet-ups, meeting up to do volunteer work or partake in a particular hobby, like running. I don’t think it’s fair to say that Anon 11:06 is holding women back by asking her husband not to have dinner with women alone. It’s one kind of networking, and it’s not an especially popular kind – I’m in a busy, male-dominated profession too and can’t recall ever having dinner one-on-one with a male co-worker. If she said she didn’t want her husband spending time with women one-on-one, I would agree with you, but it’s easy enough to avoid date-like dinners.
Anonymous
I feel like most of the suggestions can be just as date-like as dinners (aside from group dinner). Like, you’d rather me surf/paint/golf with a colleague than go to dinner with him? You’d rather us grab a couple drinks than go to dinner?
It’s all how you do any of the activities, including dinner. If it’s 2 professionals, than it really doesn’t matter.
If it matters to you, you might re-think the trust you have in your partner, or the trust you have in other people.
Never too many shoes...
Honestly, I am not sure what makes lunch fine but not dinner – does something magical happen when the clock strikes 6 pm to make the appropriate inappropriate? I am a lawyer and have eaten dinner (and lunch) with male colleagues many times…and I don’t think the time or our respective relationship statuses makes a difference. What next – a salad is acceptable but not a steak as it is too racy?
Anonymous
Newsflash – those dinners are happening and you aren’t getting invited. Because you’re a woman.
Anonymous
+ 1,000,000
Anonymous
I think you guys have fair points. What’s interesting is no one seems to question my preference that he not hang out at his house with women alone, it’s more the dinner issue, which I get. On consideration, I think it is not so much the “date-like” atmosphere of dinners/home, but the intimate atmosphere that bothers me. Unlike other posters, to me dinner is more of an intimate thing because I don’t typically go out to eat — it’s a special treat, so I associate it with special people. Totally minority position, I know.
Anyway, this has been interesting. Now back to my racy steak….
Julia
True, but if the same man spends one-on-one time after hours with male co-workers, but can never do the same with a female co-worker, the female is at a distinct disadvantage that can’t be made up going to the food bank (or even dinner) with a group.
anon
Are one on one networking dinners a thing? I don’t think I’ve ever done that with a man or woman. It’s coffee or happy hour for one on one networking. The only networking dinners I’ve been on are with a smallish group.
Anonymous
This. One on one dinners are not common and no one’s ‘wives’ are holding anyone back.
Anonymous
They may not be common in your industry, but that doesn’t mean they’re not common.
anon
yes, I’m a woman in a traditionally male field, and I have dinners one on one with colleagues all the time. Or drinks after work. We’re too busy to have long lunches, and many of these men are old friends (work friends) so it requires something longer to catch up. No one has ever gotten the wrong idea.
Anonymous
If a man at my firm was having dinner with men and avoiding dinner with women, it would look very off.
Anonymous
Anon at 12:48 – totally agree. If my male coworkers were getting dinner together all the time and refusing to get dinner with me, I would find that off-putting, unwelcoming, and probably assume they were being sexist pigs. We spend a lot of time together during the day. We like each other. Sometimes, we eat food together at varying hours of the day. I’m really not seeing which part is the part my boyfriend is supposed to dislike, or which is the part I would be supposed to dislike when he does the same thing.
Anonymous
I’ve had lots of one on one dinners with male coworkers. It’s normally when we are traveling, but not always. I would be really sad if any of their wives had a problem with it
Meara
Hah. As a queer woman, this just cracks me up. I’m queer, most of my friends are, most of the women I date have mostly queer female friends…sometimes even folks they’ve dated in the past! If I tried to be all “you can’t hang out with anyone who might possibly date you even if they have a partner” we’d both only be able to hang out with…what, gay men?
Anonymous
11:06 here…it’s not that he can’t “hang out” with potential partners, my preference is that he not do dinner alone or hang out at home alone with women because those particular things seem “date-like.” Honestly, it hasn’t been an issue for the two guys I’ve expressed this preference to. But I would be interested to hear diverging views like 11:46 above, because the networking thing hadn’t uccured to me.
Anonymous
The underlying assumption that two grown ups can’t have dinner or hang out together without a romantic implication, really rubs me the wrong way. It emphasizes the influence of the situation over the protagonists, while I like to think we all are agents with a free will. Not that you’re doing it, but a similar logic is used to blame crime victims for getting into a specific situation, instead of discussing the perpetrator’s actions.
Anonymous
I get that….see my response at 2:23 above. It’s not so much that I think a situation will produce behavior, but that I don’t want to feel like my SO wants to be in what I consider intimate situations with other people besides me. Because I think a couple needs to have something of a sacred couple bubble. That being said, I need to reconsider what I think is an intimate situation because being a very extreme introvert, I think my definition is way too narrow.
Anonymous
Thanks for replying. I can see your point now. I agree that your view is unusual, but hey, that’s between you and your SO.
Anon
My husband is in a travel-heavy, network-heavy industry and I was too for a time. I don’t think we’ve articulated the rule out loud, but I think I’d say:
– Pre-communicate any 1:1 with someone where there’s a history of attraction (even if one-sided)
– Avoid the potential for speculation or rumors. So like, a dinner in a public restaurant, fine. Dinner in a private hotel room, not fine. Staying up late to chat in the lobby, fine. Staying up late to chat on the phone, not fine. Walking with a group to the event, fine. Leaving together as a twosome, not fine.
– Avoid the faux-chivalrous crap. He doesn’t need to make sure a drunk coworker gets back to her room safely – that’s on her. I don’t need to have a coworker “check my room” before I go in – I’m a capable adult who can call the hotel staff if I have a suspicion.
anon
@Meara, could be worse. Gay men are my favorite to hang out with!
Anonymous
I go out to dinner with male (and female) colleagues all the time, regardless of their relationship status. In my industry, we are traveling a lot, so that is part of it. Also, schedule is very heavy and having lunch isn’t realistic a lot of the time. Sometimes the person is at a level above me, sometimes they’re my level, sometimes they are someone I manage
To be honest, it never feels date-like. We are two colleagues grabbing dinner.
Anonymous
I realize this is late, but I came back to catch up on this conversation. I want to tell OP nobody thinks its weird that you ask your SO not to hang out with other women alone at his home because that would actually be weird. and, honestly, I cant even imagine having to articulate that to my husband. People object to your position as it relates to dinner because many, many coworkers eat together. Eating is a hugely social, not intimate, activity that human beings do with one anyone that they have any kind of relationship with. Also, guys definitely go out for drinks and/or dinner and frequently exclude one or more female coworkers particularly if they are young, single and attractive because they worry about how it appears. It is absolutely a thing.
anon
He was kind of awful to female coworker. He knew she was interested in him and he agreed to go on a very date-y outing with her without actually telling her he wasn’t interested. HE might have thought it was an innocent dinner with a coworker, but SHE very reasonably thought it was a date and he knew she would think that. I won’t speculate too much as to his motives – did he just want to say farewell or does he like the attention he was getting? – but it shows a real lack of empathy and conflict aversion that I would not be happy about in a partner.
Anonymous
or was he exploring his options? that possibility is what might be what is bothering OP. Not that he was actually doing that, but I don’t think she is overreacting.
overreacting?
Agree regarding conflict aversion and lack of empathy toward coworker. And I don’t think he was exploring his options–he had decided he wasn’t interested months ago–but I guess anyone can always change their mind.
anon
I would think twice about dating someone who treats other people poorly and is unrepentant about it. I don’t think it’s particularly egregious to not tell you he was going to dinner with someone who had a crush on him, but it’s pretty terrible to agree to go on a date with someone you’re not interested in and then spring it on them during the date that the date isn’t actually a date. Presume good intentions about his motives in going on the not-a-date, but it’d be pretty hard to me to get past the fact that he knowingly led someone on and then when I told him I felt weird about it, he gave me this totally clinical run-down of why he didn’t do anything wrong and my feelings are my problem not his.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, there’s that.
overreacting?
Yes, I think this kind of nails my feelings…
nutella
These are the two issues I would be uneasy about:
(1) He knew she was interested in him and went on a ‘date’ with her even though he was not interested in her. This is cruel to her and I’m not so sure she would have known he had a girlfriends if it didn’t happen to come up like that.
(2) He went out with a woman who he knows is interested in him. I understand trusting him but it’s not a guess whether she is interested in him; you know it. This is cruel to you for him to ‘crack the door open’ for other women. This isn’t two coworkers networking and catching up as platonic friends. This was a date for the woman.
I had an ex who did this $hit and it drove me batty. He allowed them to be led on and if you thought you were on a date with a guy that was available and wanted to go on a date with you, wouldn’t you assume he wanted to date you? And no, I don’t have a problem with my fiance having lunch with women friends or coworkers and it doesn’t have to be cleared. Nor does he have an issue when I have lunch with my male coworkers or talk to my best friend from law school that is a man. It would be a problem if this were with an ex or with an absolutely interested person of the oppos1te s3x. Why? Because that’s a date for one half of the people.
overreacting?
nutella, This is it 100%.
CX
Your “spidey-sense” is telling you something is off. My suspicion would be that he was back-burnering her in case you didn’t work out and it’s pretty reasonable to have uncomfortable feelings about knowing he had a potential replacement waiting. Upside: he’s decided to tell her you exist. I think it’s fair to ask for greater transparency in the future.
Anonymous
Yeah, I think men tend to back-burner more than women do…sometimes it almost seems unconscious with them.
Anonymous
Eh, I used to hang out with a coworker as friends. One night we hooked up and he wanted to date, but I knew it would be a huge mistake and said no. We went back to being friends. It wasn’t so weird. I wouldn’t read more into it than what you see at face value.
Brunette Elle Woods
I am bothered by his reaction. He should take some…perhaps not ownership of your feelings, but he should recognize that his actions do affect you. His attitude of ‘What do you want from me” is very off putting. I would expect a man I’m dating to actually care about my feelings rather than just place the responsibility on me. You told him you want to feel secure in the relationship and he didn’t do anything to show you that he cares. It looks like I’m in the minority here, but I would seriously reconsider the relationship.
overreacting?
My feelings are more like yours, but in light of most other responses, I think I will let it drop and then have a conversation/reevaluate the relationship if something similar happens again.
Anonymous
I just re-read his paraphrased response (so obviously we can’t hold him to it completely) but it does sound a little cold. But maybe he was tired, etc. and I agree with OP’s strategy just to reevaluate.
Life Happens
This just got all of my spidey-senses up, too. Were you in touch at all during the day prior to this dinner? If so, it would seem off to me that he never mentioned he had dinner plans with said co-worker at any point and that would seem intentional on some level. My gut would be that he’s trying to keep this woman waiting in the wings with false hope that it may/could work out in the future should things not pan out with the new girlfriend. I also don’t particularly like that he led her on. I think most women in that scenario would have assumed it to be a date and judging by her complimenting his shirt and being somewhat taken aback to learn he has a GF, it’s fair to say she, too, thought it was a farewell date. It’s not sitting right with me, either… and if this is how he operates, maybe you need to rethink this relationship. My 2 cents!
overreacting?
We weren’t in touch earlier in the day…hadn’t talked since the previous day and hadn’t seen him since Sunday night (busy week for us both). I don’t know when he actually made the plans with her. I don’t like that he led her on either, but I can definitely see him just not wanting to have the awkward rejection conversation and dodging her repeated casual invitations.
SD
I think he handled it perfectly for where you are in the relationship right now. If he did something like this at the 2-years-and-living-together mark, it would be strange, but right now you’re both still settling into relationship-mode and that’s a gradual process. At 4 months, I bristled at anything that could possibly feel ‘controlling’ or restricting from my SO, such as limiting who I had dinner with. If you’re still crossing wires like this at the 6 month mark and beyond, reassess.
Brunette Elle Woods
Oh I disagree. I think people are on their best behavior in the first 6 months of a relationship and it’s all downhill from there. If someone is being insensitive after 4 months, I don’t want to be around in a year.
anon
I think what may be bothering you is that one of the people at dinner thought they were on a date. Fortunately, it wasn’t your boyfriend.
I think you need to take him at his word on this one and drop it. I wouldn’t want to be with a partner who questioned me every time I had a social interaction with a member of the opposite sex.
Anonymous
This perfectly sums it up. The issue is that he was going out to dinner with someone there was a romantic (or perceived romantic) spark with.
If you are making requests for information in the future, you might have rules around this. Example: I’m meeting up with X who I knew in college – we studied together a lot so people occasionally thought we were together, but trust me… we weren’t.
SC
I haven’t read all the responses (up to 61!), but I think you’re overreacting. It sounds like your boyfriend has no interest in the woman, she’s moving away in a few days, and he did a good job dropping that he has a girlfriend during the dinner. There’s nothing at all sketchy about this. He could have been more sensitive to the fact that you were upset, but I can see how he’d be defensive in that situation.
FWIW, my husband and I generally don’t tell each other in advance if we have drinks with, get lunch with, or even have dinner with a coworker of the opposite sex. Over the years, each of us has requested a couple of exceptions to our general policy regarding specific people. But obviously, there’s a big difference of opinion on this s*te, so if you would be more comfortable if you found out in advance, you should have that conversation.
anon
Gift help please!
I drew my soon-to-be sister-in-law in my fiancé’s siblings’ annual secret santa (this is the first year I have been included). I get all of his siblings gifts anyway (and they get me gifts), but the secret santa is more of a small gift and/or gag gift thing. She put a silk sleep mask on her wish list, but the one she linked to has bad reviews. I’m willing to spend $20-30 on this, any recs for a cute and functional silky sleep mask? And then I figured I’d get her some cozy socks to go with it or something.
Also, my fiancé’s mother is IMPOSSIBLE to shop for. Last year I got her soap/lotion from Origins, which I think was a safe bet, but I can’t get her the same thing again this year. She won’t use gift cards (says she’s too busy to shop- seriously??) and I can’t take a chance on any type of clothing. She doesn’t seem to like candles very much, and she’s just so particular that I don’t want to take a chance on any home décor. Budget is ~$75.
TIA!
Shopaholic
For your FMIL, how about a nice wrap? Maybe cashmere? I think you can get ones on sale at Nordstrom for about your budget.
lawsuited
+1 I’d get her a cashmere scarf or a nice pair of lined leather gloves. Especially if you live in a cold climate (I’m guessing from the cozy socks comment) it’s really impossible to have too many scarves and gloves. And I think a good quality basic is always appreciated.
H
Before you get cashmere, find out if wool irritates her skin. I’ve gotten some really nice wool/cashmere wraps and sweaters and I just can’t do them.
Anon
What is your fiance getting his mom? Can you go in on that? If not, have him give you ideas.
I’m not a gift-giving person by any means, and I abhor adult presents, so take this with a grain of salt, but this is a LOT of emotional work for his family. Is he doing the same for your family, putting more than one thought into what to get your parents and siblings? Consider what would happen if you just got her the mask she wants, or if you just got his mom whatever home decor you see in the store and think she MIGHT like. If she doesn’t, that’s what gift receipts are for.
anon
I totally hear you. The issue is that he is one of 5 siblings (plus his mom/grandma), and I’m an only child and it’s just my mom that he has to get a gift for. So it is unequal but can’t really be helped because of the relative sizes of our families. However, his family does get me gifts so I don’t feel like it’s one-sided.
Maybe he and I need to discuss doing joint presents from now on, which would increase the budget so people would get nicer gifts, and would require less shopping. We are getting his youngest brother a joint gift, so might as well do it for the others.
Meredith Grey
Yeah, definitely consider doing together presents. No matter the family tree scenario, he can help you shoulder the burden of this and should.
ELS
This is how my husband and I have done things since we got engaged. Joint gift from the both of us for both families. It takes some of the emotional heavy lifting out of the equation, and everyone gets one nicer gift.
Highly recommend, if he’s down for it.
Anon
Agreed, but also if gifts are your love language, you do you. I do enjoy finding and giving gifts to people, so I might do this even if it weren’t reciprocated.
Jen
FMIL- gourmet edibles? Are yogi dying together with DH or independently? I think once you’re engaged the gift can be from you both…does that change your budget?
anon
yes- I guess we could go in on a gift together and spend around $150. I’m just a little worried that his mom won’t like that she isn’t getting an individual gift from him (if you can’t tell, his mom is a little difficult hah).
anonshmanon
Ugh, I hear you. My mom is also impossible to gift, as she will criticize everything she unpacks. So I have stopped trying to miraculously land on the thing she will like. Carolyn Hax would say “you have no control over the outcome”. I buy something I think she might like, I don’t anymore put extended time into finding The Thing. This year, the parents might actually get a joint gift for the house or kitchen. My dad will be happy with just about anything.
LondonLeisureYear
FMIL ideas:
-spa gift card
-something for her yard: http://www.shopterrain.com – this shop has beautiful outside thermometers, fire pits,
-flower of the month club to arrive every 3 months with that budget
-a beautiful wrap
-cashmere socks
-beautiful chocolates or a set of really nice teas
-What is her job? Hobbies? Maybe a book related to those items
– a gift card to local restaurant for a nice dinner out
Anonymous
For FMIL, what about a really nice Christmas tree ornament? I always get mine one from the Metropolitan Museum of Art gift shop (you can order online) and they have several in the $75 range. If that’s not her style, maybe another brand.
Maddie Ross
+1 – especially assuming she’s at all the sentimental type. It’s sweet, it’s memorable, and can be very personal or totally impersonal depending on what you get.
Anon
Ug, please don’t ever get me a Christmas ornament! Especially a $75 one!
Anonymous
I’m the one who suggested it. I agree, totally not my style but my MIL takes great pride in her tree and ornaments and this is the one gift that has ever really met her approval (which is why she now gets one every year). To each his own, I guess.
Anon
Are you OP’s MIL?
anonshmanon
I love this idea! The selection at the MET though? nope. If you invest in sterling silver ornaments, they should at least hang from the MIL, not from the tree.
Sydney Bristow
Something to consider on the sleep mask is that sometimes people choose things for a specific reason. I’ve bought items with bad reviews before because the thing everyone complains about is exactly what I wanted. Or one characteristic (maybe something like the thickness of the strap on the mask) was the most important thing to me and I was willing to overlook the other issues.
All this to say, is just go with the one she picked.
Senior Attorney
Definitely go with the one she picked. If she linked to it, she’s read the reviews too and that’s still the one she wants.
Anon
Yeah, I’d be perturbed if I linked to the exact thing I wanted and somebody got me a different version of that thing. She’s done the work for you, OP. Just go with it.
Bonnie
For FMIL, how about something edible like Williams-Sonoma peppermint bark?
Senior Attorney
Also, if she drinks, how about a nice bottle of champagne?
anon
A really soft throw blanket.
adf fda
I have found that I often buy dress pants thinking they fit, but later realize they’re too loose. They fit well around my legs/thights but are loose around the waist, even with a belt. Basically my waist is small compared to my hips. Do I need a different type of pant, a different size, or just given in and get it tailored?
Frugal female
Tailored.
Or wear a belt.
Or choose pants with lots of stretch, but that can get work inappropriate.
No pants have ever fit me.
adf fda
Yeah I was surprised to see this when I started buying work clothes because jeans or other tight pants fit me fine in this regard.
Little gifts
Probably because your casual pants are tight/stretchy, or lower rise so they don’t really get close to your real small waist. Work pants tend to have higher rise, loser or tailored fit with less stretch so cut is more important.
Anonymous
+1 to no pants have ever fit me off the rack.
EM
Every single one of my pants must be tailored for this very reason. It’s no big deal. I just buy pants based on the material now, because I know I will always have to have them altered.
lost academic
I’d say that means take them in. You might try a variety of brands to see what will fit better, but that’s been the standard advice.
Anonymous
This is my general problem, and for a budget option that mostly works for me off the rack I like the Alfani curvy pants at Macy’s. Unfortunately they only come in one style that is not the most flattering on me personally (no straight leg/skinny options :( ) but it’s nice to have. Thankfully I work in a business-casual office where I can wear jeans and jeans-like pants 99% of the time…
JuniorMinion
I’ve had good luck with charter club at Macy’s (have similar problem – things that fit my thighs / rear don’t fit my waist) – lots of their pants look super professional but also have stretch
Pears
Sounds like you need a curvy fit. I’m partial to Ann Taylor’s Kate cut and Loft’s Julie cut. Actually fits my 13″ waist/hip ratio off the rack.
Anonymous
I think I have about a 10″ waist/hip difference and in Ann Taylor curvy skirts at least I tend to get a little bit of a bubble butt (little tight around the thighs but too much room in the rear – and yes, I have made sure the strings are cut on the slit!). Is this an issue for you in the pants?
Pears
haha I wish I had that issue. I still think you need a curvy cut but maybe from a different store. Most curvy cuts are definitely not curvy enough for me but they might work for you!. IIRC the Limited made a nice pair of pants but was too small for my hips and too large for my waist — it was branded as curvy though. I have a pair of Gap’s Ryan fit pants that don’t look great (def too small for my hips) but look much better on me than most pants.
Anonymous
Thanks for the rec! I think the problem is my widest point is below my hips by a pretty considerable margin thus also below where manufacturers tend to add extra room in curvy fits. But maybe I’ll try the Ryans!
CHL
PSA also for Ann Taylor’s high waisted pants. You don’t say if that’s part of your issue, but for me, high waist plus small waist equals lots of weird pants situations. I LOVE the AT high waisted pants!
MMLafleur
Does anyone have the Angelou?
CHL
No but it looks so cozy! On a related note, I think my comment got eaten but I am so annoyed that the hems have fallen out of both of my recent MM Lafleur purchases (Etsuko and Alexandra). They were really nice about the first one and sent me a credit so I could go have a tailor fix it, but the second one fell out this morning and I’m here using my sewing kit to sew the hem back in. Has anyone else had this problem? I love the dresses otherwise, but I’m not paying $200 for dresses that I have to sew back together myself after a month.
Sarabeth
Super disappointing to hear! I am going to a pop up in a few weeks, with plans to buy several dresses…wonder if I should rethink that.
Anonymous
I have had the same issue with the Etsoku. Another dress I have from them, the zipper malfunctioned after one wear. I mentioned it at the pop up shop nad was told “that’s an easy fix.” Umm, ok. thanks. I cant wait to go to the tailor and deal with it. For a $300 dress that I wore once for six hours.
I love the look of their clothes, but the quality is definitely not there.
Anonymous
I had the same problem with every dress I ever bought from them. After the sixth dress I stopped buying from them. Not worth the hassle of always having to go get the hem fixed, no matter how good they look.
Amanda
Oh no! I haven’t had this experience. I have both of those dresses, and I wear them basically weekly and have had them for 6 months (had some older ones for over a year) with no issues. I wash them in the machine on the delicate cycle.
waffles
I had the hem on the sleeve of my Alexandra fall out earlier this week! After only a few wears… I’ll have to keep an eye on the bottom hem too. The quality of the hem definitely feels weak.
Anonymous
I have had this issue with a seam on one of their pant and a sleeve hem on one of their tops. I’ve definitely started to limit what I buy from them; there are a couple pieces that have held up and I have liked but the rest of them not so much.
anon
What exactly is the point of a cashmere shawl as workwear? Is this more of an indulgence or wardrobe staple? And can you wear one in a conservative business casual to business environment?
MMLafleur
Ha! This comment is great, because my thoughts exactly! I work from home now, which is why I was thinking of keeping it :) but I would never, in a million years, wear it the way it is styled in the photos (over a business/business casual dress that I would wear to the office) – because I don’t do office blankies.
NYNY
Sounds like a fancy version of a desk sweater to me. I know that I regularly bring my (outerwear) scarf to an always-freezing conference room to wear as a shawl, so this would serve the same purpose more luxuriously.
anon
So, between an actual shawl like the angelou or some of their actual desk sweaters like the morandi or Stanton, which of these is the most fancy and/or office appropriate for business casual skewing business in a conservative, male-dominated industry. I know, know your office and all that, but it’s really hard for me to tell.
Anonymous
I would say the Stanton. From what have gleaned from the guys I work with, the shawl = blanket, and the Morandi = robe. Stanton is vaguely like a blazer, so that reads more ‘business’.
AEK
Product plug: I got the extra warm Heatech leggings from Uniqlo and they might be the most comfortable thing I’ve ever put on my body. I even wore them to bed and was tempted to wear them under my suit pants today, Ramona Quimby-style.
They are pretty thin, not like athletic ones or ponte or anything; but they are opaque. And so, so soft.
Brrr
Regarding wearing under suits – I have done that a lot and was surprised to learn the other day that some of the male associates do that as well. Suit pants are pretty thin!
Anonymous Canadian
I’m Canadian and all the men in my family, whether they wear suits and work indoors, or have jobs that require them to be outside, wear long underwear under their clothes in the winter.
Sydney Bristow
My husband does this almost every day during the winters. He’s always cold.
Sharon
Thanks for the rec! I was wondering if they were going to be too hot for me. Props for the Ramona Quimby reference! Made me smile.
ace
TJ – has anyone ordered the lined pants from Uniqlo? I have been shivering in my suit pants on the way to/from the train and wondering if the Uniqlo pants are passable at work or if I should do leggings + suit pants.
Anon
Yes they are very warm- however I didn’t like the cut on me so those went back. I also have the HeatTech leggings pants and they are excellent.
sombra
I buy the regular heattech leggings every year for the past 3 years. I’m up to 4 pairs now and I just rotate through them all winter. They are seriously THE BEST. Also shout out to their fleece lined sweat pants which make it SO Hard to leave home, but then I leave home wearing them anyway (schlepping or errands), too good to take off.
Boom
I need to make a trip to our local Uniqlo. Comfortable and warm clothes are my favorite. Wearing fleece lined tights today.
Sloan Sabbith
I need to make a trip to our local Uniqlo. Comfortable and warm clothes are my favorite. Wearing fleece lined tights today.
Calico
Yes! I love these leggings. I wear them under all of my wool pants because wool makes me itch. I also find that I don’t get overheated indoors with them. They really are perfect!
sizing?
How does their sizing run?
AEK
I was surprised that medium fit well because I’ve found their bottoms & Heatech stuff to run small. I wear a small in, for example, Old Navy leggings but assumed small would be too small for these. They’re not “too big” but they aren’t super tight, especially because I, sadly, have no butt to speak of.
Anonymous
Bottoms a little small, tops true to size, in my experience. For me (a little curvy, but also small) the cuts are mostly not flattering, so I stick to their basics which are great.
lost academic
Can anyone who’s long in leg comment on these? The size guide on their website suggests a very, very short inseam, even for leggings.
AEK
I’m 5’6″ and they bunched a bit under my ankles. So full-length, at my height, but maybe not at yours?
(I feel like there is variation even in the same line at the same store, though, with cheap clothes).
lost academic
Yeah, the max inseam length I see them listing is under 28″ even for a large (they appear to sell XL and not show any sizing for it, go figure) and that’s WAY too short for me at a 36″ inseam.
JustNML
5’6, 33″ inseam – and the leggings are okay, but the tights sag. So, so sad.
Anonymous
@JustNML: So it’s not just me!! I love the tights so much for warmth and opaqueness but I think they’re just not tight enough at the top so the crotch always ends up falling a bit, no matter what I do. Tucking in a cami kind of helps but not enough to fix it entirely. Sigh. I keep buying them though…
Anonymous
Uniqlo is extremely short. I am probably a 33-34″ inseam and I cannot pull their skinny jeans up all the way to my hips because the leg is tapered for tiny people, tights I bought form them in the largest size I had to do a double-take on to make sure they weren’t children’s because the crotch was at the knee, and leggings are more like capris. Do not buy.
let them eat cake
I need an easy cake recipe for a christmas potluck this weekend. I would not be opposed to something that started with a cake mix. Favorites?
CHJ
This rum cake is amazing and everyone goes nuts for it, and it starts with boxed cake mix:
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/17456/golden-rum-cake/
This fruit-filled cake is also surprisingly good despite the surprise ingredient (mayonnaise) and comes together very easily. This has been my grandma’s go-to recipe since the 1950s:
http://www.cooks.com/recipe/rc4wo4uo/mincemeat-christmas-cake.html
waffles
tres leches cake is my favourite. Easy because you serve it in the baking dish, so minimal decorating required.
http://www.finecooking.com/recipes/classic-vanilla-tres-leches-cake.aspx
Lobbyist
Apple bundt cake with caramel sauce. Buy the caramel sauce (Trader Joes brand is great but you can get anywhere) and, if you want, add vanilla ice cream or whipped cream. Its not a mix but it’s pretty easy. http://www.food.com/recipe/apple-bundt-cake-with-caramel-glaze-139684
another option, bascially all the recipies on this site are good and you can read through to see if they are simple or not: https://smittenkitchen.com/2008/09/moms-apple-cake/
Little gifts
What are some stocking stuffers you are getting this year for family?
Bonus points if they can work of adults…
The ones I have come up with so far are mostly edible and sweet.
Anonymous
phone charging cords. Lottery tickets. small bottles of hand sanitizer or lotions
Sydney Bristow
My favorite stocking stuffers are useful items. My parents still put together stockings for all of us adult children and always include batteries. I love that every year.
Anonymous
My Mom used to do this (she has passed). I used to love it….. “How did she know I needed liquid paper?”
CHJ
Are kids involved? If so, balsa wood airplanes are really fun. I’m getting them for everyone (kids and adults) so we can go play with them in a field later in the day.
lost academic
I do this! They work for everyone and they can play with the little ones in the house even, they’re light enough that I don’t worry about anything being knocked down and broken.
LawChick
Where do you get these from?
CHJ
You can find them at toy stores or online. Here’s an example from Dollar Tree:
https://www.dollartree.com/Guillow-rsquo-s-Eagle-Balsa-Wood-Gliders/p362952/index.pro
(They have them on Amazon but they seem overpriced – each plane should only cost $1-2).
lost academic
Local hardware stores often sell them or hobby stores. The hardware stores I mean are the smaller ones, not like Lowes or Home Depot. I think I paid a few dollars apiece.
mascot
Headlamps are a fun alternative to flashlights, lottery tickets, fun toiletries, magazines, multi-color pens
lawsuited
So far:
Travel mug
Harney & Sons tea
4-in-1 tool pen
Origins face masks
Nail polish
Holiday-themed socks
Kiehls holiday-themed lip balms, hand creams and body butters
Lush bodywash and bath bombs
Bath & Bodyworks candles
Popcorn
Oxo Spiralizer
Adult colouring book and pencils
Rubber band gun
Bluetooth shower speaker
Mrs. Jones
Fun patterned socks.
NYNY
I like giving everyone the same silly thing, like kazoos or tiny temporary mustache tattoos to put on their fingers and hold above their lips.
Senior Attorney
And fake stick-on moustaches are super fun, too. They have them on Amazon in a shockingly large variety of styles.
Anonymous
Books
Starbucks (or a favorite gourmet brand) hot chocolate packets
Lego keychain
Fingerless gloves
Wouldn’t fit in a stocking, but I love the rosemary trees that are about $15 this time of year. I can’t manage to keep them alive, but I love the smell of rosemary.
Anonymous
8″ level
head lamp (got a 3-pack for $10)
light-up bouncy ball
for adults: bar accessories (bottle opener, jigger, cocktail strainer)
anon
I save all my sephora samples and put them in stockings. This works for my sister, 16 year old daughter and sometimes husband (don’t laugh but he loves the Jennifer Aniston haircare line – probably because he loves Jennifer Aniston, but I digress). This does not work for my 14 year old son. At all.
Other than that, mostly candy.
Ear buds and phone chargers are good too.
Sloan Sabbith
Flashlight with a magnet on the back. I love it because it sticks on the side of my fridge and I know RIGHT where it is when power goes out. My brother loves it because it sticks to the bottom of his car when he’s working on it and he has it easily accessible. Our younger cousins love it because it’s got a laser pointer on the end and they make their dog go crazy with it. Adults love it for the same reason I do. My grandpa got one of these: https://www.trekkinn.com/outdoor-mountain/nebo-tools-larry-2-side-light/135902635/p?utm_source=google_products&utm_medium=merchant&id_producte=2266910&country=us&gclid=Cj0KEQiApqTCBRC-977Hi9Ov8pkBEiQA5B_ipXrqrBB85sHvSt_zzXIQTWuV8Rcg3Jk2CRAAP36-TZIaAk0L8P8HAQ&gclsrc=aw.ds
I also like socks. I know, I know, but fuzzy socks are the bomb for kids, or toe-socks, or just a pair of good socks for adults.
Emmy See
My mother always got us pocket tissues in pretty patterns. One year she went to the international market and bought everyone a different unfamiliar flavour of soda, which was tons of fun.
waffles
I got my husband gummy vitamins this year, because he always wants to buy them and I think they are a major rip-off. I love getting scotch tape in my stocking :)
Gail the Goldfish
My mom still does stockings for my brother and I (except calling them stockings is a misnomer, because they’re gigantic) and they’re actually my favorite part of Christmas–there’s usually: lottery tickets (dad’s contribution), candy, socks or tights (because you can always use more socks), some sort of kitchen gizmo I probably can actually use but wouldn’t have thought to buy (One year it was a lemon juicer, one year a melon baller, etc), bath & body works mini hand lotions, a giftcard or two (typically to barnes and noble or a restaurant), a t-shirt from somewhere my parents have been in the past year or a cute pajama set (typically from old navy), random useful gadget of some sort (charger, headphone, good flashlight, etc), a small piece of jewelry, a silver snowflake ornament, and a silver Santa coin (which they have given us every year since we were kids).
Gail the Goldfish
Oh, and usually some useful household items–new toothbrushes, razors, etc.
Anon
Good everyday pens, new razor blades, toothpaste, BabyFeet, toothbrush, antibiotic cream, advil, sheet masks, socks, emergency preparedness items (travel battery to recharge phone, flashlight, etc. etc.). My mom does the best stockings and it usually consists of toiletries (she knows what kinds we use), spices, and everyday medicines. One year she did a bunch of “fun” things and my adult siblings and I practically revolted. If all she gave me this year was a set of toiletries and cleaning supplies for the year I would be over the moon happy. Who wants to spend money on Tide?
SC
For my stocking, I bought a couple of beauty supply things–nail files, eyelash curler, foam foundation blender, tinted lip gloss, nail polish. For DH, I bought fun socks and candy (also, it won’t fit in his stocking, but comfy pjs). For LO (1.5 yo), I bought play dough, crayons, a pad of construction paper, and bubbles. My general stocking budget is $20.
Anon
Sephora sheet and eye masks.
Fuzzy/cozy socks.
Tea or coffee.
Little kitchen gadgets from Crate & Barrel or Sur La Table
Lottery tickets
Anonymous
Has anyone done anything interesting with an under the stairs area? We’re remodeling our basement and I was hoping to build an under-the-stairs reading nook like this: http://cdn.decoist.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Charming-Reading-Nook-Under-Stairs.jpg
But the wall that would need to come down is load-bearing so it won’t work. But we will have a door to a small “room” (with a very low, slanted ceiling of course) under the stairs. I was hoping to build kind of a DIY reading nook there but am having trouble finding inspiration photos, since everything I can find is of the style I linked to above. I’m thinking reading nook might not be the best option and am open to other ideas about what to do with the space. We’ll have lots of unfinished storage areas in the basement as well so I’m hoping to use this nice finished space for something more exciting than just storing suitcases.
Maddie Ross
My next door neighbors have wine storage in theirs.
Tech Comm Geek
I have no pictures, but a friend had a similar space. She turned it into what she called the “snuggly space.” She installed dimmable lighting, painted a deep color she really enjoyed (a plum, I think). Then she had a platform built that allowed you to walk in to the space, but filled most of it. The platform was covered with a mattress. She got a lucky coupon that gave her 50% off a custom mattress at a local place, but I think you could do this with good quality cushions in generally. Then she added a bunch of cushions in varying firmness and some snuggly blankets. She uses it to have special private reading time with her kids and to have some time to herself. The kids call it “Mommy’s fort” and respect the closed door!
Anonymous
I love this! And maybe combine it with the wine storage idea above and then it’s REALLY an “adult fort.”
H
I read a blog post where a woman turned her under stairs closet into a drop zone/mudroom area. She had hooks for bags and jackets and large trays to put wet shoes on.
Petunia D
Bedroom for that nephew of my weird sister that we had to take in when she died.
ace
You win the internetz!!!
lucy stone
You win.
Anonymous
Hahaha.
Mrs. Jones
#winning
Sloan Sabbith
YES.
ChiLaw
This is sort of similar, but (wow I am definitely outing myself here)… Do you have kids? We bought a house this year and for [reasons] my daughter’s bedroom has two closets. So with one, we took off the door and then installed a fake-built-in cupboard/cabinet (bookshelf with doors) where the door was. So it looks just like there were built ins there and nothingbehind it. Right now it’s toy and blanket storage, but for a birthday (maybe her sixth?) we will take off the back of the shelf and reveal a charming nook! I’ve been calling it Narnia.
My vision is: dark colored walls (maybe a rich blue? maybe with sparkles on them? or maybe wallpaper that looks like a forest?!), a bajillion twinkly fairy lights, a raised seating area with very fluffy white shag (and/or faux fur) pillows, possibly some spotlights for reading, and maybe some forest animal throw pillows.
Basically what I’m suggesting is leaning into the “secret” aspect.
Anonymous
This sounds amazing! No kids yet, but we’re TTC.
Tech Comm Geek
What a fabulous idea! Grown-up me wants this, and at that age I would have been in heaven!
EB0220
We have a weird space under our stairs (behind the coat closet) and my kids LOVE it. We store books and a few pillows in there. Also in there – huge wedding photo we don’t want to hang and some wedding dresses (mine and my sister’s).
Anonymous
We did something similar, minus the secret aspect, though we definitely talked about going the faux built-in/secret door route. The closet has a pretty big window, so dark colors were out. (Also outing myself here) We ended up going with a very light morning sky lilac/gray and the linked wall decal, which fits one wall perfectly:
http://www.potterybarnkids.com/products/monique-lhuillier-ethereal-mural/
My daughter is still a bit young to appreciate it, but I love it!
ChiLaw
Oh that wall mural is so lovely!
Anne Elliott
Shoe closet.
Fat Appreciation
Thank you to CMT and Anon comments yesterday telling me to eat more fat in my quest to figure out why I’m so gdamn hungry all day. I added fat to dinner last night and tried fuller fat yogurt this morning, and I feel SO GOOD that I must shout it from the roof tops!
(Meredith Grey)
Jdubs
Any recommendations for a nice brand of Chai tea as a present?
anon
Mighty Leaf; McNulty’s in NYC; Red Blossom in SF all do online orders.
The first one has nice loose leaf in bags. The last two sell pure loose leaf so you’ll need a steep sack or a tea ball if they don’t have one.
LondonLeisureYear
Tea Source! its sooo good. They include the recipe to make it.
Jdubs
Thank you!!
anon
This skirt looks like sweatpants material to me. Anyone else? The black color option looks like linty.
Anon for this
My mom called last night to tell me my dad is in the hospital for cardiac and breathing issues/possible pneumonia. He’s 70. They have been divorced for almost a decade but still talk periodically. My dad is a complete train-wreck, was an awful absentee parent, alcoholic, rx drug addict, openly cheated on my mom and married the mistress (who got cancer and died) after mom and dad got divorced, financially irresponsible, mentally ill, etc. We’ve been estranged for the better part of a decade for my own mental health. He’s been in horrible physical health for years, and every time something like this happens I just feel like I’m waiting for him to die. Then finally he could have the peace that has eluded him his whole life and so I could stop feeling like I’ve done something wrong by cutting him out of my life. It just really sucks. So many things in my life are wonderful, and then there’s this big sucky boozed up albatross thing in the corner. Ugh. Tell me it’s going to be okay and that I’m not a monster…. Yes, I have been in therapy for this. :(
Tech Comm Geek
You are not a monster. Some things suck and you are allowed to just want them to be over.
Anon
You’re not a monster. You are a wonderful, valuable person. You are allowed to and right to cut him off for your own sanity and wellbeing. You matter. You haven’t done anything wrong by looking after yourself. You did the right thing. It’s okay to feel the way you do. Your feelings are valid. Hugs and good thoughts to you.
Anonymous
“I just feel like I’m waiting for him to die. Then finally he could have the peace that has eluded him his whole life and so I could stop feeling like I’ve done something wrong by cutting him out of my life.”
Flip the genders and minus the alcoholism and you’re talking about my parents’ divorce and my feelings about my mother. I don’t know if it’s going to be OK or not, but you’re not a monster and you’re not alone.
Also not a monster
I have a cousin who is the exact same. He defies medical science in that he is alive despite is pancreas barely functioning. He has tried to kill himself more times than I could count. Each time that we learn he is going to recover from his most recent ICU stay, I feel bad. He clearly wants to die. The medical profession hasn’t been able to sufficiently treat his demons. His behavior may kill someone else someday. These behaviors also tend to come out whenever it is anyone else’s big moment. One of his last suicide attempts was after his sister had a still born baby. It made him sad. I get that it’s not his fault. I’ve grieved him though and I want him to be free of his torment.
non Mondster
Another non monster. Hug hugs hugs to you all.
Daughters
I hear you. You’re not alone. I’ve finally gotten up the courage or strength or energy or anger (or whatever it is) to cut my parents off after all of the neglect and pain they have contributed to my life. My husband is shocked but I actually feel relieved to be okay with not caring anymore. Hopefully you can get to that place where you put yourself first after years of trying to be dutiful and considerate and caring.
Sydney Bristow
You are absolutely not a monster. I’ve cut my mother out of my life and feel very similar to you. But since I’m not in the middle of an emotional situation, I can tell you that it was absolutely ok for you to cut him out for your own emotional health. I promise. Him being in the hospital doesn’t change the fact that you made the right decision for you. You are not a monster.
H
You’re not a monster. I 100% believe people need to earn relationships, even within their own families. It does not sound like your father tried very hard to earn a relationship with you.
Calico
This hits so close to home. You are not a monster. Don’t feel guilty for cutting him out of your life. Because the situation is slightly different with my parent, I kept them in my life. And we’re both completely miserable. I feel we are both trapped. Death, whenever it comes, will be the only thing that can bring us peace. I feel very uncomfortable saying more on a blog, but please know that you are not alone.
Betty
You are not a monster, and you are not alone in this. You will be ok, and that is the important piece. It is absolutely fine/ok/ normal/ acceptable to be feeling all these things and to not be ok right now. You will be ok, and you are not a bad person. So many hugs to you.
Scarlett
You might be interested in reading Jennifer Weiner’s Hungry Heart – she had a similar father and feelings.
Patty Mayonnaise
I’m pregnant and experiencing some hip pain, so decided to see a chiropractor that specializes in pregnancy. She gives all of her pregnant patients a complimentary massage, which was a nice surprise. Any suggestions for how I would tip for that service? Also, any experiences with chiropractic care during pregnancy? Thanks ladies!!
anon
My chiro only charges $60 for an hour massage and free adjustment so I tip the massage person $20 per massage. I figure insurance pays me back through flex spending and it’s his business so he’s getting the $60. But I would say if he was doing it, $10 or a bottle of wine if it’s one time or seasonal if they like that?
Bonnie
I wouldn’t tip for a massage from a doctor.
Patty Mayonnaise
It will actually be done by the office’s staff massage therapist.
Emmy See
Then can you ask the doctor what’s normal? The standard might be different for massage therapists at medical offices.
RNSF
I struggled with the same thing but waited until about 30 weeks do see a chiropractor. The person I saw was part of a structured holistic practice and I highly doubt they they would’ve accepted tips. It might be different with someone in private practice but I just don’t see myself tipping the chiropractor that same way as I wouldn’t tip my ob/gyn. That said, a card, a small gift (chocolate, tea, coffee), letter the to manager or referring friends goes a long way. If this is something your chiropractor is into, you can get you lower back tapped (think those colorful tapes runners have on races). Other things that helped me were acupuncture and yoga. I was part of a maternity yoga group and the teacher was very good about recommending pregnancy safe stretching to do at home.
Tech Comm Geek
I checked with a friend who is a massage therapist in a chiropractor’s office. She says tips are not required but are highly appreciated. It really gives her a lift to know that someone has recognized the quality of her work.
Snick
I need to get my teen a new phone and phone service. Anyone know of a good deal?
Anonymous
Google Fi.
Nexus 5x is still available on newegg.com for under $300 (unlocked), and Google Fi is $20 for unlimited talk and text and $10 for each gig of data.
anon
+1 love my Google Fi. One of the best features is that you can get free data-only SIM cards to use with a tablet or whatever. You only pay for the extra data you use. Great if the teen or a sibling has another device that you don’t need a full plan for.
Anonymous
+2 Google Fi is one of the best things since sliced bread. We only wish we had said goodbye to AT&T earlier.
EB0220
+3 Google Fi is the best. We left Verizon after years of loyalty and have been very happy.
Anonymous
Assuming your teen is typical (i.e. mostly text and data) and you’re fine with paying upfront for a phone (and T-Mobile coverage is OK in your area), the $30 T-Mobile plan you can get online/at Wal-Mart is a good deal. If you/your teen are Team iOS, Apple does refurb iPhones now so if you can’t stomach a full-priced phone but also don’t care for eBay/Craigslist, you can get a small discount on essentially new phones. Older phones are also fine for teens (anything from 5s up will generally work fine.)
Of course, if you have a typical family plan it’s often just easier to add them to that and then have a device payment scheme…
Anonymous
And I’m with anon @ 11:01 that Project Fi is great if you are Team Android – I just know way less about the Android market.
Snick
We are Team Cheap. :) Thanks for the tips, looking into both Google Fi and T-Mobile.
Emmy See
I use Republic Wireless, which is pretty cheap (and you can BYOD now–well, only some devices, but you can get them cheaperish on eBay). They have several different plans, including $15/month for no cell data (useful for people who usually use their phones in range of a wifi network).
anon
I’m going to go against the tide and recommend an iPhone. That’s really what teens want. You can sign up for a 2 year contract and get one for a more reasonable price. My son said he was fine with a non-Apple phone for his first phone but quickly switched over to an iPhone as soon as he lost the first phone because he wanted all the iPhone features (and conformity with peer group)
Anonymous
Also used older models of Apple products are often quite affordable and totally usable, last a long time, and have good resale value. They also receive security updates for several generations, which is a problem on many (especially cheaper) Android phones.
Anonymous
It’s not actually a reasonable price when you sign up for a 2 year contract though. They just charge you $200 as a down payment, and then spread the rest of the payments out over 2 years and add them to your bill. The phone is still $700.
Anonymous
Get an iPhone 6 – not $700.
Anonymous
Consumer Cellular – I love them
Tassels on Shoes
I’d like a pair of penny loafers or oxford flats to wear for the winter (to professional office where lots of people wear suits). Okay, my question is tassels: (i) never, they look silly; (ii) maybe, depends on the shoe; (iii) always, it prevents it from looking like mens wear. I just have this very deep thing against tassels, but I’m not finding much out there (after I took too long thinking about a pair of Tods). These one pair with tassels from Jcrew seem decent at a decent price, but i’m hung up on the tassels. Am I being silly? Here’s the shoe:
https://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/shoes/loafersoxfords/PRDOVR~A9861/A9861.jsp
Black Pants
Ugh, I went through this search recently and could not find anything I liked. I ended up buying oxfords instead of loafers) precisely because I couldn’t find loafers that were plain enough. Love my Nisolo oxfords, though.
Anonymous
Have you considered these? Lands End, $65 http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-leather-penny-loafers-shoes/id_289540?sku_0=::DRW
Anonymous
I’m with you on tassels. I think they look silly on pretty much all accessories/shoes/clothing. They look… ok… on those shoes but personally I would look for other styles before going with them.
Anonymous
I don’t care for tassels either. Can’t remember the brand, but a few years ago I got a pair of plain loafers that I still wear and love (super comfy). I think they were Earth Origins brand? Closest I’m seeing now to what I have/you might like is Earthies Bremen.
HQB
It looks like you can take those tassels off and just be left with a sort-of cutout detail on those shoes. Is that an option?
anne-on
Have you looked at MGemi? I really like the Stellato flats personally, but the Tutalooks nice too. Quality is very good for the price, but if you’re going to be walking around outside a lot I might add some sole protectors.
http://mgemi.com/womens-flats/
MKB
What do folks think about wearing shoes like the Stellato with socks? Now that we’re fully into winter here in MN, I’m having trouble with the whole exposed foot thing and have been sticking with Oxfords (my ‘work uniform’ is a trouser-based silhouette).
anne-on
I would commute in winter boots and then swap to flats/shoes at the office. Its basically impossible for me to walk in slushy/icy/snowy NYC winter streets in regular shoes without ruining them.
Tech Comm Geek
Tassels are SO not my thing. I’m also hard on my shoes, and I worry that tassels will show wear quickly.
NYNY
I’m on team depends on the shoe. These actually look super menswear-y to me, but in an intentional way.
The pair linked below are pretty, but a little less structured than the ones you linked to. Super sleek, though, and IMO, more feminine (if that’s what you’re looking for):
http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/bettye-muller-grained-leather-loafers?ID=1565339&CategoryID=1005946#fn=ppp%3D%26spp%3D75%26sp%3D1%26rid%3D113%26spc%3D109%26rsid%3D%26pn%3D1|2|75|109
Anon
EVERLANE! Lots of options without tassels, because personally I am not a fan of tassels. Similar price range and much better business practices than J Crew.
Anonymous
Madewell has tassel-less loafers! Similar to JCrew. Also, Everlane. I have a pair of lila loafers from Dankso, but they’re not quite so chic – but extremely comfy if you are wide of foot.
Emmy See
I actually think tassels look more menswear-y, because they look like they were made to go with a kilt.
Pears
Marc Joseph makes really comfortable plain loafers.
anon
If you go to shoes of prey you can design them exactly as you like. One of their options is a loafer style, with a feminine shape (sort of an elongated toe, but not pointy)
Out of Place Engineer
Have you looked at classic Bass Weejuns? No tassel, classic penny loafer, all leather. I am wearing them in oxblood today. Although I have been wearing this same version of shoe for about 25 years…
Tassels on Shoes
To everyone who replied to my original post you are a wealth of inspiration and knowledge!! Thank you, thank you. I have enjoyed looking at each recommendation.
Black Pants
Shopping help, please! I am searching for a pair of black pants suitable for a business casual office. Must be machine washable, and ideally do not need ironing either. Skinny/slim legs, but not something that’s going to get mistaken for leggings. I see a lot of ponte pants on the internet, but most of them seem like they are going to be inappropriately tight when actually worn. I’m a university professor at an urban East Coast private school (along the lines of UPenn, if that helps) so want to avoid anything that reads remotely student-y or s*xy.
pants
check out Bannana Republic. I got something similar to what you are describing for the summer. can’t guarantee machine wash though.
Black Pants
Thanks, I’ll look. Machine wash is a dealbreaker, though – two young kids, so otherwise I end up having to dry clean my pants every time a wear them. Can’t afford that, in either time or money.
Batgirl
I tend to wash most of my BR pants without incident.
Jane
Try the Alfani pants from Macys. I read about them here. I’ve washed mine several times and don’t iron them (but hang them dry upside down). They look great and are comfy..
Anonymous
I feel like Old Navy might have something in this area but I’ve never actually tried any of them on so YMMV.
My workhorse is the Uniqlo Leggings Pants but they are probably a little too tight, though not inappropriately so IMO, for your situation.
Black Pants
Thanks! But yeah, for me it’s not just inappropriateness – I’m junior faculty in a department where most of the other members are significantly older, and want to make sure that I definitely read as faculty, not grad student. So there are definitely pants that are not inappropriate, but make me look younger than I’d prefer.
Anonymous
I feel that! I graduated pretty recently so I have a feeling the Uniqlo pants would read closer to grad student than prof. (Though I would recommend them highly as casual pants!)
anon
Pixie Long Mid-Rise Pants from Old Navy. Nothing student-like about them, just basic normal pants. I’m amazed how much I like them.
CMT
I wear these almost every single work day.
LawChick
The slim leg editor pant from Express for sure. I don’t regularly shop at Express but I grabbed a black pair after Christmas two years ago and somehow they haven’t faded at all despite being worn weekly. I machine wash and dry them- and not even on the delicate cycle. (I’ve got two small children also.)
H
Try The Limited.
Sharon
+1 to the Limited Exact Stretch Pants. I wouldn’t recommend ironing (at least the year’s version that I bought) because ironing made it kinda shiny? Lots of bloggers love this pant too, so you’ll have an idea of how to style – Franish and Hello, Gorgeous are two with good ideas.
Anonymous
Check out:
Lands End — fit 2 ponte pants. I have these and wash and hang to dry. Sort of a poor man’s BR Sloan pant.
BR — Sloan pant. Says to dry clean, but I freshen with dryel and/or febreze unscented. I am cheap.
Levis — curvy fit skinny black denim. They are more ponte feeling and softer then my usual Gap denim. Washable (and I hang to dry).
Finally — Talbots had some washable pants that I had postpartum. I rotated b/w 2 pairs for a year and change and washed AND put in the dryer. I’ve moved back to dresses mainly once I was done with pumping but these were worth every penny. Would rebuy if I went back to pants.
anon
NYDJ Michelle ponte trousers- fitted but the trouser leg keeps them more professional looking. I think they also have some straight leg options.
anon anon armani
+1
Black Pants
Thanks, all! I’m going to take these suggestions with me and go hit up the mall this weekend.
Anonymous
The Loft “custom stretch” trousers fill that spot for me. They’re machine wash/dry, no wrinkles.
Meg March
Express Editor/Columnist pant (depending on your body– I think one is a curvier cut?) in the slim cut. I haven’t checked out the slim flare, but the barely bootcut is also fairly slimcut.
SLAC
I’m also a college professor (in my early 30s); I have had luck with Loft’s pencil pants, although it totally varies pair to pair, so it helps to try them on. There are some nice skinny pants at Target, too, although they don’t wash so well (or maybe I accidentally put them in the dryer?). If you find unicorn pants, please post! Ah, the challenge of the college professor who wants to avoid booty pants.
Constant Reader
In academia-related state agency — I found some black slim ponte pants at WHBM that I’m really liking, definitely not too tight at least for my sizing/body type (hourglass). Haven’t washed them yet but I’m pretty confident they’ll be okay.
S in Chicago
Try Talbot ponte straight leg. It has a higher rise and legs aren’t so tight so it reads more suit like than leggings. Washes insanely well. This is my go-to when traveling for business. Material is a thick magical fabric.
Anonymous
Try marks work wear house online if they ship to where you live, I buy loads of machine wash and dryable clothes from there for my work as a museum teacher (very messy!)
rosie
Check out NYDJ and Ann Taylor. I have a pair of NYDJ from Nordstrom that fit the bill but are bootcut, I suspect they have skinnys.
Hair straightener brush?
Hi all. There may have been a question on this recently but I can’t find it. Do the hair straightener brushes work? Specific product recommendations? I have thick, wavy/frizzy hair and use a ceramic straightener every morning. Looking to add this to my Christmas wish list if they are any good!
Sydney Bristow
I don’t like mine. It maybe makes my hair smoother but definitely not anything close to straight. I have fine hair strands but a ton of hair that is sort of wavy in some spots.
Emergency boot question!!!
Frye Deborah boot in gold or the silvery color?
[In all seriousness, this is my “and now I’m an equity partner” present to myself. Worried that if I wait, I will just note that the household spend on kids summer camps is so crazy that perhaps this is money better saved. And yet, with that cash burn rate, what will a little boot purchase matter in the long run? And I need fancy shoes I can actually walk medium distances in and stand in comfortably.]
Anonymous
Definitely gold. The gold is amazing.
Emergency boot question!!!
I agree — the gold is amazing! I would have worn them for my wedding if I had known about them then. And I am totally not a gold person otherwise, ever.
lawsuited
I think they grey will be more wearable.
lucy stone
If you are in Texas, gold. If you are anywhere else, the grey seems more wearable.
Emergency boot question!!!
I hear you! Not in Texas. Not from Texas. But the gold sure is purty, ain’t it?
For all other purchases, I’d get a show I like in black + another color (plus another black so as to have a non-scuffed pair for important meetings and/or as a spare) b/c it’s just practical. This is a bit pricey, so I am trying to limit myself to 1 pair.
The gold has so much joy in it and this is a joyful purchase. And yet, my inner Virgo says: go with the silver.
anon
Both.
ChiLaw
Both.
lulu
The Limited!
Don't Bumble While Sleepy
Accidentally right-swiped my ex on Bumble last night while half-asleep. Eff.
BeenThatGuy
Delete your account and re-set it up. He’ll never know. Unless of course, he’s already looked. Hugs!
Have the tshirt
The only way he will know is if he swipes you back. And now he will definitely see you on there, so score 1 for you!
And if he does swipe, then you block him. No biggie.
Brunette Elle Woods
He will only know you swiped right if he also swipes right and you connect. If you do, then just don’t initiate communication.
Anonymous
If you were going to spend Christmas with family that lives in the tropics, what would you wear for Christmas itself? What about for two little boys (Sizes 2T and 5T)? We’re not going to church, and it doesn’t need to be conservative or particularly formal, just looking for something appropriately festive. Any specific recs?
SC
It’s not the tropics, but I grew up in and now live in states that are pretty warm at Christmas time. I usually wear a fairly casual dress in a festive color like emerald green, red, or even teal or royal blue or other gem color.
Anonymous
In Florida, anything goes…but IME it’s pretty laid back and festive colors are not expected.