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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m a big fan of the fall-hued florals on this smocked top in the new arrivals section at Gap. Something about the combo of deep red and purple makes me want to break out the apple cider and doughnuts. I would pair this with a camel sweater blazer and a pair of trousers for an easy, comfy work outfit. Add some great denim and you’re ready for any haunted hayride that awaits you this autumn.
The top is $59.95 full price at Gap — with 40% off at checkout — and comes in regular sizes XXS–XXL, petite sizes XS–L, and tall sizes S–XXL. It also comes in a blue print and solid black.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
anon
I always think tops with finishing on the bottom are lovely but I can’t wear them, i’m too long waisted. no pair of pants is high waisted enough that i don’t end up showing gut.
Anon
That’s my problem with these tops too, the smocking/elastic at the bottom just snaps up over my stomach. :( Very pretty pick though! Coincidentally I just bought a ton of stuff at Gap the other day when they were having 50% off. I was off Gap for years, but they do have some solid basics.
Anon
I’m short and short-waisted, so this may work. But for something where I am standing up — the chub roll has a way of sneaking out unless I’m wearing very high-waisted bottoms.
Anonymous
Same, and the problem is not just the tummy showing. The proportions always look off because the ruffle sits several inches above my actual waist.
Anon
I recently realized I’m long-waisted and that’s why some brands look funny on me. Fellow long-waisters, what brands do you like? Sadly I love Boden but the waists are often way too high.
Anonymous
J Crew and Gap have tall sizes, which is nice but their stuff is kind of cheap and doesn’t hang well so I don’t buy much. The Fold runs a bit long-waisted but still requires alterations.
anon
I am also long-waisted and I, too, suffer from a frustrated love of Boden. I still wear a lot of it but there are lots of their dresses that are off-limits for me. For me, there’s no particular brand that works well – it’s style by style.
Anon
Interesting… so Boden is good for short-waists (which I am)? Maybe I should check them out. I am pear shaped and I assumed (from their aesthetic) that it wouldn’t work for my figure.
Anon
I am short-waisted and Boden doesn’t work for me — I assumed it was for longer-waisted people.
Anonymous
Boden Tall has longer waists.
SFAttorney
Not in my experience. I got two tall dresses and the waist was still too high for me and the length was too long. So no more Boden dresses. I am 5′ 9″.
Anon
The neckline on this would be so unflattering on me, together with the puff sleeves making me look like a football player. I never even made it to considering whether the length would work.
Senior Attorney
Same!
Anon
I have a running question (and I have yet to find a kind runner in my city to ask it to IRL).
I was I spire by you all to start running and I’ve read some books on it and eased into it in a way that I like (I’m formerly someone who hated running even though I was fine with springing within a non-running sport). I’m still clear a novice 3 months later. But I can run a 12 minute mile without stopping or do faster bursts. I can easily run/walk a slow 5K.
But a lot of group runs seem to target people who can do 10 or 9 or 8 or lower minute miles for multiple miles. Is there any hope that in a year I could do that? IDK if this is where just putting in consistent work does the trick or there is some underlying talent or lifetime of training that I will never be able to catch up to. If not, I’m OK where I am but it is lonely and I’ve always liked having a tribe, even if it is a slow tribe.
Anon
Running is a place where consistency will 100% get you to a certain point (I would say 10:00 miles), training routines will get you to a faster place (more like 9:00 miles) and then a certain component of genetics will get you down to like… 7:30 miles.
I think it’s totally reasonable to have a 10:00 or even 9:30 split for a 5k within a year. I would encourage you to keep up long, easy runs to build a strong aerobic base and then add in some speed work (even if it’s just ‘I’m going to run hard for half a mile’).
Anon
Can you explain speed work a bit more? I feel stuck with not being good enough for a group and needing some guidance or structure to get better.
Anon
Different anon, but this should help get you started. https://www.runstreet.com/blog/speed-training-for-beginners
Anon
The numbers vary by person, but otherwise agree this is right.
Anon
Not a “serious runner” at all, but I just wanted to let you know I dropped my PR mile time from 12 min to 8:20 and can keep a steady sub-10 for up to 5 miles (neither of which I would have ever thought was possible). Orange Theory 2x a week + one 3-5 mile steady run on the weekends.
Anon
Is Orange Theory doable for someone who is very much out of shape? I could not run a half mile without stopping, though I walk over 10k steps a day. I know I need to get in shape but I’m having a hard time self-motivating.
Anon
Yes, absolutely. I go to OTF four times a week and there is a wide range of fitness levels at my studio. The workout can always be adjusted, there is a power walking option for the treadmill, and you can really make it as hard or as light as you want it to be!
DC Inhouse Counsel
Yes! Orange Theory is based on your own heart rate, so you don’t have to do anything at a specific speed, just at what speed gets your heart rate up to the desired level. For the treadmill portion of the class they provide power walking options and in the classes I go to there are always people power walking.
Anon
OTF looks fun but I see all these thin gorgeous women on instagram doing it and it’s so intimidating!
Anon
That’s just the terrible SM effect. My studio is majority regular (non-airbrushed, filtered models) people of all shapes and sizes. Certainly not all thin models! We are every day people over here!
Anon
Try it!! It is very fun and I promise not as intimidating as it looks. My “home studio” is in a downtown that attracts a lot of very fit people and OTF is by far the best at having a wide variety of shapes (as opposed to the yoga studio next to it which everyone seems to have the same body shape). OTF is a little jargon-y, smile-y and athletic-y (you have “coaches” not teachers, high fives etc), but I found it’s actually fairly genuine that they just want everyone to do their best and get very excited about your personal wins.
Anon
Very doable!! It’s probably the best group class I’ve ever done for a huge variety of fitness levels and shapes. You just go at your own pace/speed. On the treadmill they talk about base pace, push and all out speeds- one of their suggestions is walking and adding inclines for the pushes, or walking and jogging etc. Very intuitively modifiable.
Anonymous
Look for a Galloway group in your city! Lots of people run your pace or slower as a run walk
Anon
Starting off: sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right run club. Some have really competitive runners; some have more casuals runners; some have a range. Find the one that works for you.
Running is about consistency, training, and, beyond a certain point, genetics. Absent chronic injuries or bad genetics, most women can train their way to a 31 minute 5k (10 min/mile). Most can’t hit a 20 min 5k, even with all the training in the world.
Training: it’s all about consistency. Overloading one week and spending three weeks nursing an injury is a recipe for disaster. As I said to someone recently at track club (she has physical problems with her feet after about five miles of running): she can hit 1,000 miles a year, which is serious mileage, on five 3-mile runs and one 5-mile run every week.
Some training principles:
Do NOT increase both mileage and intensity at the same time.
Build a good base before adding in speed work.
Yoga and foam rolling are your friends.
Most of your runs should be easy.
If you take walk breaks, walk at a brisk pace.
Speed work:
This really depends on your goals and what you have available. There are different types of speed work and they have different purposes.
VO2 max workouts: 3-5 minute bouts of work at VO2max, short recovery, stress the VO2 system.
Repetition workouts: improves leg speed and stresses the anaerobic system. For example, you run a quarter mile and then slowly jog (or walk) the same distance to recover. Recovery between sets should be complete.
Threshold workouts: improves the ability of the body to remove lactic acid. Run 20-25 minutes at the pace at which you would race for an hour.
At your level, I would start off with VO2max workouts and repetitions; you will get the most bang for your buck there. Also, until you feel comfortable racing for an hour (for you, that would be about a five mile race), thresholds aren’t really meaningful; you don’t take walk breaks and you need lactic acid to build up.
i run a lot
First, good for you! This is awesome and if you’re enjoying it, that’s the most important part.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice about how to get faster and encouragement that you can get faster. You can! Anecdotally, I also hated running. I eventually came to love it as an adult and never thought I’d get a sub-30 minute 5K. My PR is now sitting around 22 minutes. That’s after more than a decade of running and about 5 years working with a running coach! So, you can do it!
The part I want to focus on is finding your people. You can find your people at ANY pace. You do not need to run faster to find a crew. If you want to run faster for the sake of running faster, go for it! You don’t need to find a sanctioned running group to have a community. Make your own! Start telling people that you’re running and you might find that people want to join you! Lots of people, just like you, want the same thing but are maybe too intimidated to ask. Also, sign up for local races! It’s a great way to meet people at your same pace. PS – there will be plenty of people slower than you! You can strike up a conversation by complimenting their outfit, commenting on the course, whatever! You got this!
Anon
Seriously, this is the closest thing I’ve found to a supportive running group.
anon
If you have access to a gym, I find speedwork much easier to do on a treadmill. There’s no guessing about how fast you’re going and it’s easy to crank out 30 minutes of intervals. I normally prefer running outside, but that one speed session a week will help you. Also, you may just need to look around for different running groups. But I think you can get down to 10 mm.
Anonymous
I agree with this, especially for someone new to running who may not know what running at 10 min pace feels like. It’s much easier to do time or distance intervals on a treadmill, and it’s gratifying to see incremental gains that you might miss running on roads or a track.
emeralds
I’ll echo others and say that your goals are very achievable with consistent effort. One of the great things about recreational distance running is that it rewards consistency–yes, obviously genetics and natural aptitude play in, but to a lesser extent than a lot of other sports. Building up to a 12 minute mile and completing a 5k in three months is no joke and you should be proud of yourself!
I’m also someone who likes to have running buddies. Suggestions based on my personal experience: if you have any local breweries with run clubs, those are often a really approachable way to find a running group and tend to skew toward the verrrry recreational end of the spectrum. You could also go to a local running store and ask if they have any suggestions for groups that might be a fit for you. But I’ve had the most success picking a notable local race that offers a training program, and doing that–they’ll offer options for runners (and often walkers) of all levels.
Good luck and have fun!
H13
I am also new to running and have discovered I love running in groups. I found a very lowkey weekly paced run and am challenging myself to start with a faster pace group, knowing I can always drop back if needed. I definitely prefer the chilled out running groups. But really, the best thing has been embracing that my speed is still running. Speed hasn’t been a huge motivator for me, but distance has so I am focusing on that while also trying to incorporate different types of running workouts.
It might also be worthwhile (and fun) to find a coach to help you work towards your goals. It is something I am definitely considering.
MinnieBeebe
Look for running groups, especially women’s running groups. My suburban town has a very low-key women’s running group which would be great for a new runner to join– pace is in line with what you’re currently able to maintain. Look for something like that! Groups definitely make the time pass quickly!
Also, some speedwork might be worth looking into, but honestly at this point I’d work on gradually getting your runs up to 3 miles or so, then maybe start looking into shorter bursts on the track. Your running pace will most likely come down organically as you get more and more comfortable with running (a little bit) longer. You can also add in other workouts like yoga and weight training for overall strength and fitness if you’re not already doing those things.
JoJo
This internet stranger is proud of you! I agree that doing a race is a great way to meet people, especially those around your pace. You can google 5K training plans – this one looks promising because it has them for different levels: https://www.runningfastr.com/5k-training-plan/
Anon
This is random, and I know that cross-country is generally a no-cut high school sport, especially with freshmen, but is a 17:30 time requirement for 2 miles for girls stringent or loose? What about a time maximum requirement of 12:00 for senior boys for 2 miles (and they note: this is a requirement but still does not guarantee you make the team). This is for a public high school with no no-cut sports and a reputation that they only take kids who could get D1 running scholarships (IMO the wrong attitude for teens coming out of a long COVID period of school closures in our county). Or are youth sports just all crazy and messed up in a way that adult amateur sports just aren’t?
Anonymous
17:30 for 2 miles is 8:45 miles, which doesn’t seem that crazy to me. I remember that 20:00 for 5K was considered just OK, which is a lot faster.
Anon
TW: Weight talk
Both my parents talk about weight constantly and it drives me nuts. It’s contributed to body issues that I’ve lived with my whole life, despite being fit/active/not actually ‘big’ despite what I tell myself. I have kids and I am SO PROUD of the fact that I have instilled in them really positive body image and eating habits and work hard to keep them away from self body-shaming talk. I have so many better things to talk about IRL, so I just need to vent this on here…
Well. I did get weighed at the doctor’s and… I need to lose some weight. In a period of high stress and no sleep, I gained 20 pounds and should lose about 15 of those to be back to my ‘normal, healthy, comfortable’ weight. FWIW, diet hasn’t changed and exercise has gone up and my doc pointed a straight line to stress/lack of sleep and encouraged me to address that first.
…but guys. My mother has been complaining to me for literally probably 35 of my 38 years that she feels like she needs to lose 20 pounds. I can hear her negative self talk and remember the years of weight watchers desserts and spray butter and her refusal to buy clothing because she was going to lose weight first. I realized that I am scared that even after years of therapy and hard work, I’m going to turn into my mother.
Anon
Your mom is my husband. Good luck! Sadly, no advice but I’m following this thread.
Anon
Your mom is my mom AND my husband! And guess who else — my MIL! What a shocker…
“I can’t go to [social event], I have nothing to wear”
“It’s in 3 days, let’s go to a store and get you something”
“There’s no point in buying clothes when I’m at this size, I need to lose weight first”
…
Anon
Ugh my mom does that too. And then she complains about having nothing to wear.
Anonymous
I relate to this. My mom spends a lot of time talking about wishing she would lose 20 lbs but then stocks her fridge/pantry to the gills with costco size packages of cookies and ice cream.
In my 40s, I have moved past this by focusing on health. On the fitness side, I focus on a mix of mobility, cardio and strengthen via yoga and pilates. I see my BFF’s mom who is able to attend yoga classes with my friend (her daughter) and her daughter (the granddaughter) and she teaches running classes for older ladies on the side. I want to be like that instead of my mom who needs to sit down and take breaks when we go to the mall. Also aim to try one new sport a year to keep up my interest in new activities. Lots of clubs have beginner classes.
On the food side, we have to deal with a kid with food allergies so we cook a lot at home. Take out/drive thru is my weakness so I changed my driving route to avoid the temptation on the way to/from work. We still do take out for supper at least once a week, but it’s intentional vs spontaneously stopping for coffee, adding 2 donuts and eating both before I get to the office.
I’m an abstainer not a moderator so I find it easier to have ice cream or cookies in reasonable package sizes. Like we’ll buy a pint of ben and jerry’s to enjoy for dessert one day vs the costco size tub my mom buys to last multiple days. I
Try to focus on what you are adding – delicious veggies/fruits/new recipes vs the limiting junk food side. And the same thing for activity. I do find that in my 40s I can’t eat as much as I used to and maintain the same weight. While I don’t have a diagnosed allergy or intolerance, I find that dairy and gluten don’t agree with me like they used to so I’ve dialed those back a bit and dialed up the veggies. Think larger side salad with lasagna dinner instead of going back for the second piece of lasagna. Or two pieces of pizza when we have take out and supplementing with chopped fresh veg. instead of three pieces as default.
Anonymous
You can focus not on losing weight but on addressing stress, getting more sleep, increasing daily activity, adding healthy and delicious foods. All of that will be great for your health whether or not you lose weight.
Anonymous
+1. The way to tackle this is to incrementally create new good habits, not to go on some weird diet that messes up your metabolism. I am down 15 lbs without calorie counting or cutting out food groups.
Anon
You aren’t going to turn into your mother.
Buy the clothes! Even if it’s a capsule wardrobe bought from Poshmark, it feels so much better to have clothes that fit properly. (I am one of those women who struggled to lose baby weight; having a closet full of nothing to wear was so demoralising.) Losing 20 pounds is a process – it may well take you a year or two, and that’s fine! Don’t start off your morning feeling terrible about your body.
Anonymous
I don’t know your preferred weight loss method but IF works great for this. My kids don’t know that mommy fasts most of the day at work; they just see me eating a very normal dinner. Honestly, I’m very anti- diet talk and food judgment generally. A lot of what people think is educational is just damaging to other people. My vegan mil could give a well adjusted adult an eating disorder when she goes on about the evils of cheese. I wish more adults would realize that no one wants to hear about what foods they have decided against eating; it’s boring at best and damaging at worst. I don’t discuss my weight with my kids. That is to say, I like your style and I wish you luck.
Anon
IF is a diet and it’s problematic. It’s starving yourself!
Anon
OP here – we’re entitled to our own opinions. My takeaway is that this poster has had a positive experience finding a diet that she is able to maintain with minimal impact on her kids/minimal awareness on the part of her kids. I think that’s valid and that impact on one’s family is a good thing to consider.
Anon
I’m so sick of this immediate reaction to IF every time it’s mentioned here. Move on.
Anon
Please do not trivialize starvation this way. There is absolutely no reason why skipping a meal or two should result in a person being malnourished.
Cerulean
I’ve done it at various points over the years, and it was barely any different than my normal eating pattern since I’m not a breakfast person. I do it because it’s a great way to help me stop mindless snacking in the evening (which was typically a bunch of sugary and heavy stuff that left me feeling overfull before bed) since I had a defined stop time. A lot of IF information is about making sure you get *in* calories within your window, and many people who practice IF aren’t focused on decreasing calories at all.
Starvation is an actual, serious problem. IF is not starvation.
Anonymous
+1
IF is not about calorie restriction or starvation, just not eating all throughout the day.
9:19
I hardly think skipping a meal or two is starving myself. I think it’s healthier to have a mom that does that and eats a normal dinner with the family than to take the ww or calorie counting approach and constantly be worried about the calories in the scoop of guacamole or droning on about how fruit has no points. I say this as someone who had tried both. I found a way that doesn’t lead me to obsess over food; it’s awesome. Ymmv. Maybe IF does to you what calorie counting does to me, who knows? Also I realize the op is going to try sleep and stress reduction for weight loss which is awesome and I wish her well. For me, it needs to be calorie reduction to lose weight. I’d rather drop that weight quickly by skipping meals than spend years being unhappy with my body in front of my kids and lecturing everyone about the fiber in raspberries.
Anonymous
+1 You sound very sensible.
Anon
I think talking about one’s diet and weight loss goals is more problematic than simply adjusting your diet. My mom constantly talks about wanting to lose weight, disliking how she looks in clothes, “fattening” foods, “being bad,” etc. and that’s so much worse than quietly changing your food habits. Vocalizing it leads to obsession and spreads the negativity. Thankfully my dad only discusses diet and exercise in terms of health. “I feel sluggish after eating sweets” or “I need to start jogging so I can perform better at intramural soccer.” It’s a healthier attitude for yourself and those around you.
Anonymous
This.
Cerulean
Yes, and I think it’s often seen as a way to connect with others (especially between women). Or pointing out other physical “flaws” to each other à la Mean Girls (“my nail beds suck!”). It feels contagious.
anon
+1 to just eating what you want to eat (preferably something close to what you’re offering them and not a fad diet) and not talking about it. Unlikely that kids will even notice.
Winter
“it’s boring at best and damaging at worst.” Strong agree!
Anonymous
Reframe what you need to do. Your doctor told you that your lack of sleep and stress are the direct causes of your weight gain. So, keep telling yourself that you need a better sleep schedule and stress management. Leave your weight out of it. Keep up your good habits and every single time your mother pops into your head say “it’s not about weight, it’s about sleep and stress management”
Best of luck!
Anon
Thank you. At this point, I’m just… calling out the issue. Like, I hear myself self-negging and immediately say ‘Whoop. That’s not your voice. Think – you need to work on actually being gentler and allowing yourself to sleep.’
Anonymous
Your doc is 100 % right. And go you for having a sensible doctor!
Better sleep and less stress is key. If you go on diet now instead of adressing the stress which has made your body hoard energy, you’ll only gain more by stressing your body more.
Anon
First, unless there is a medical condition that is being impacted here, you don’t “need” to lose weight. If you were already at what you describe as a “normal, healthy, comfortable” weight, 20 pounds is probably not significant. Prior to stepping on the scale, were you even aware that you had gained weight? There are a lot of reasons why you might have gained the weight other than just lack of sleep or stress. Our bodies change as we age and some bodies will tend to add on a few more pounds as we age and our day to day activity and metabolisms change.
Anon
I appreciate your gentleness, but also – yes, there are health reasons for me to do this (primarily joint and back related). And in this case, I do see that stress and sleeping 4 interrupted hours a night is the driver, particularly when exercise and diet have remained steady. I acknowledge the natural changes as I age, but also… this is the pattern my mother pointed to and I am afraid to constantly obsess about this.
Anon
Then, that is what I would focus on and try to reframe this in my own mind that I need to address my joint and back issues, not focusing solely on the issue as a weight issue alone. I’d try to not focus on the number but rather how my back and joints feel because there probably really isn’t anything magical about 20 pounds as it relates to those medical issues. You may see improvement with getting more sleep and less stress and only losing 7 pounds. Maybe thinking about it that way would allow you to worry a little less about obsessing over it.
Anon
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
No Face
Your doctor is right! Focus on sleep and changing the situation causing you stress first. When you feel better, you can address the weight in a healthy way.
When I’m tired and stress, I don’t eat well. Stock your house with fresh produce that you love to eat and drink lots of water.
Nothing wrong with talking to a sympathetic friend or therapist about your parents impact on you as well.
Anon
Thank you… I am working on it and also have some things that are time limited, so I am confident that it really is a blip…
anon
Yeah, stress lack of sleep can contribute to the problem directly (in terms of impact to cortisol and such) and indirectly (bc it’s hard to eat well and exercise when you’re exhausted and stressed). Getting more sleep is the best thing I have done for my physical and emotional health in the last 10 years, and I absolutely treat it as a medical need and prioritize it. It’s life-changing.
Anonymous
I hope this reply is helpful…I’m never really sure how to address weight loss discussions with other people because it’s a sensitive topic for me. But your post resonated with me because last year I gained 20 pounds in three or four months, mostly due to lack of sleep and stress. When I decided to lose the weight, I joined weight watchers for the first time in my life. I had friends who did it in high school and my aunt was always on/off it (and sounds a bit like your mom — constant discussion of weight, calories, etc). I was convinced I could “be disciplined” and lose the weight in four months (which is about how long it took to put on).
I did ok with it for a month and then it sort of fell apart for me. Too much points-counting and self-deprivation, I hit a plateau that I couldn’t get below without even more restrictions, I felt like I was barely eating and still not making progress…I know it has worked for many people, so I’m not trying to bash the system. It just wasn’t for me. Long story short, it has been six months and I’ve lost ten of the twenty stress pounds through a change in my regular exercise (more strength training, less running) and small changes to diet but not counting anything or being overly restrictive. If I want ice cream, I eat ice cream. And I don’t give it another thought. I just make sure im not doing it every day. I’ve also been working on mindfulness and other mindset changes to reduce stress.
All of which is to say that if I had been able to stick with a diet program, I probably would’ve lost the full twenty by now. But I’m ok with where I’m at because this approach is so much less all-consuming for me. I hope you can give yourself permission to do it “your way” as well, without pressuring yourself about time and numbers on the scale.
Anon
Well done. This is the way. Good luck!
always anon
just want to add: your current approach is more likely to lead to long-term weight loss. it’s the right decision – if you’d continued with WW you *might* have lost all the weight but would be more likely to gain it back in a few months.
Anon
you are not your mother. focus on health rather than weight as you mentioned. as my sister likes to say, someone’s weight is the least interesting thing about them. my MIL gave all of her kids, but especially my SIL major body image issues. my SIL has even said to me that she feels like my MIL loves her more when she is thinner. my SIL is getting married next month and while visiting recently I overheard my FIL (who is an orthopedist!) calling in a prescription for Ozempic for my SIL. Idk whose idea it was for sure, but I can almost guarantee you it was not my SIL’s idea, aside from the fact that an orthopedist should not be prescribing that medication. earlier this year my MIL was paying for a trainer and gym membership for my SIL. my SIL is a perfectly healthy weight. she does weigh more than she did 2 years ago when she was working as a nurse at a hospital in the midst of covid and had no time to eat, but i digress. you can do this, without turning into your mother!
Anon
Wow – what a sick family. Shame on that orthopedist father. Shame on both parents.
Hope you can support your SIL.
Anon
I need to lose 20 pounds as well. I don’t want to spend my life dieting and worrying about my weight. Start eating better and buy yourself some new clothes in your current size! Accept your middle aged self!
Emma
Ugh I’m sorry. My parents, who are otherwise very sweet, also talk about weight a lot in a way that has caused me a lifetime of issues. I’m trying really hard to move past it and try to kind of tune out whatever they say about it because it’s their issue, not mine. Try to focus on the medical advice – yes, your doctor thinks it might be a good idea for you to lose some weight, but also, give yourself a little grace. Sometimes life happens and we put on weight (and it sounds like you are dealing with a particularly stressful period), and I try to focus on eating well and exercising because it’s good for my mental and physical health instead of focusing on the number on the scale. I try to weigh myself occasionally and in any case no more than once a week.
OOO
Virginia Sole-Smith has a great piece about the diet messaging our moms received at our age, titled “The Grandparents Are Not Okay.” I am sad that my mom was so unhappy with her body for most of her life and obsessed with weight loss even though I always thought she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I am also 38 and also gained 20 lbs over the past few years, but I refuse to waste the prime years of my life wishing I looked different. I do strength training, wear clothes that make me look and feel great, and live my life. I agree with the comments that 20 lbs isn’t a significant weight gain, and I would focus on managing your stress first.
OOO
https://virginiasolesmith.substack.com/p/the-grandparents-are-not-ok
Anon
I hear you.
Now’s a great time to check in with your therapist, again. I would feel just the same as you.
You can do it.
Sometimes simple things like adding yoga to your world can help relax/decrease stress/stretch/strengthen and aid sleep all in one.
Anonie
I can totally relate and empathize. Because of an eating disorder history as a young teen who was severely underweight with anorexia, I still have very mixed emotions and a lot of “ick factor” around weight loss today as a 30-something who gained some medication weight several years ago that I haven’t been very motivated to lose.
I feel like so many people don’t quite get it.
I did recently find a new home exercise program that has felt fun rather than toxic so my advice is to find something that’s an enjoyable physical activity led/taught by someone who seems to espouse values you hold dear (like focus on healthy movement rather than skinniness). Sending encouragement!!
Anon
Just be kind to yourself and give yourself the flexibility to try a few things and see if they work out or not. Honestly everyone is different enough that the way to get to sustainable weightloss is specific to you. Yes calories in, calories out, but what works for people to get there can be so different – no alcohol, cardio, strength, walking, elevated walking, IF, volume eating, rebalancing macros, smaller dinner, snacks, only at mealtimes, etc etc etc. I’ve lost weight a number of different ways in different chapters of life but all required enough sleep and a baseline level of ‘not miserable’.
Anon
Laura Geller makeup – has anyone tried it?
anon
yes. i like her foundation, there is one that has little sheen which i’m a fan of
brokentoe
+1
Anonymous
I like her lip glosses.
Anon
Read the comments about flatware/china etc. yesterday. I also have blue willow patterned dinnerware that belonged to my grandparents.
On a scale of 0-10, how problematic so you think it is in terms of being offensive re: Orientialism/Chinoisierie or is it within acceptable bounds? I’m attached to it, but also don’t want to unwittingly offend guests over for dinner.
Anon
Honestly I think the majority of people won’t notice or care.
Anonymous
I think this is something that upper-income white progressive academics will be most concerned about and that most others will not notice. I am an upper-income white progressive quasi-academic and I was not yet aware that dishes were on the list of things at which I was supposed to take offense.
Anon
Most people I know are affluent white progressive academics and I don’t think anyone would care.
Anon
Unless you’re inviting a lot of Twitter power users or Nikole-Hannah Jones, I can’t imagine anyone caring.
Anon
Nikole-Hannah Jones addresses real racism in this country. I don’t think she would care about china. You are trying to diminish her work, and it’s pathetic.
anon
LOL
Anon
white women laughing at black women scholars. Love that look for you
Anon
+1 to the LOL.
Anon
Have fun staying mad (and humorlessly self-righteous).
AIMS
I think you’re fine. I am sure someone will disagree but not everything that touches on culture is offensive even if we wouldn’t do it exactly the same way today. How depressing would it be to resign something beautiful to the trash heap (and pollute the world with more dubiously made junk) just because we didn’t have the same cultural sensitivity in 1917 as we do today.
Anonymous
No sane person will care
Anon
This. It’s classic.
Senior Attorney
Agree with this even though I said yesterday I might twitch a little at Rose Medallion.
Anonymous
I caught the reference yesterday, but I don’t think it was explained – what’s the deal with rose medallion?
Senior Attorney
The thing that would make me a tiny bit twitchy are the Chinese figures in some of the patterns, like this: https://www.unm.edu/~toh/china/rose-medallion.html
Anon
Ah my grandmother used to ask me to go to Chinatown and get her the little rice bowls. I asked what pattern once, and she said “the chinese-ier the better.” She filled them with homemade jelly and gave them to her friends. This was a thing in her generation. And she was Native American!
Anon
0. Not a problem. I feel like worrying about blue willow china is akin to worrying about an Oriental rug – taking offense at something that authentically existed in its own culture because it became popular in another. Chinoiserie-style patterns did exist in their own right for Asian use for centuries, were made by Asian countries for export during early trading times, and have had eras of western popularity throughout the last 300 years. The same can be said of Oriental rugs (which, of course, aren’t actually from the “Orient”).
Anonymous
I’ve heard a different story – that blue willow china was always produced in Europe. Europeans china was extremely poor quality compared to Chinese imports and so European manufacturers were trying to ape it. They put Chinoiserie designs on it to increase the impression that the (knock off) china was high quality Chinese porcelain.
https://vgm.liverpool.ac.uk/blog/2021/willow-pattern/
anon
Do you want to be friends with someone who would care? I dropped those friends years ago and my life is 100% better for it.
Anonymous
There’s nothing wrong with it at all.
Anon
It’s fine. If I had to eat off the dinnerware of my people, I would be eating off of paper plates.
Anonymous
Hahaha same. Paper plates for breakfast and lunch and Corelle for dinner.
Anon
With a soda right out of the can.
(But my people call them all cokes. What kind of coke you want? Sprite?)
Seventh Sister
The dinnerware of my people was Fiestaware, which my great-grandmother apparently loved and my grandmother loathed (and tossed!!!!) because it “was for poor people.” Great-grandma had all the colors! I’m sure she had the radioactive ones! We aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, my mom could have made a mint on eBay selling off the Fiestaware.
Anon
I like Chinoiserie decor, but I honestly think that Blue Willow is so low key that it isn’t even really part of this conversation! I would go with 0 (as in, it won’t even offend the people I think shouldn’t be offended in the first place).
Anonymous
None of this is ever about whether it actually offends the people who have a right to be offended. It’s about whether the people in power think it should offend those who have the right to be offended. See, e.g., the time I was lectured by a white person for using the term “Indian” when that was the term the group to which I was referring had asked me to use (when I asked them for the correct terminology).
Anon
Oh yeah, I’m also about 1/4 native and had just gotten used to Native Amercan when we switched back to American Indian. I just say native now, but I also got lectured by a white colleague for saying I was visiting the National Museum of the American Indian.
>insert eye roll emoji<
Anon
Yeah I’ve gotten that lecture before (several white people were scandalized that I referred to a group that contains Indian American in its name… by its name).
Anonymous
No one cares. Use your dishes.
Anonymous
I know not all chinese people might agree but I’m chinese and would not care at all. I’d just not call it “oriental” regularly in conversation but using the plates itself would not cause me to bat an eye
Anon
I know we don’t say the word oriental at all now (like formerly “oriental” perfumes are now called amber) but I actually thought the offensive thing was to call a person oriental, not things, like an oriental rug. At least that’s how I remember the evolution of the vernacular.
Anon
Oh, sorry for the confusion – I was speaking broadly of chinoiserie, not specifically of Blue Willow, which, yes, is just a western pattern.
Anonymous
I’m the person who was concerned about my inherited Rose Medallion but it wouldn’t occur to me to be similarly concerned about Blue Willow. It’s the little scenes of people in Rose Medallion that I fear may raise eyebrows, not the pattern itself.
Anonymous
There was an article about this in Elle decor a few years back. I think you can look it up. There was mention of certain chinoiserie designs with caricature-like depictions of Asian people- which yeah, I’d probably avoid but I’m betting that’s not something you’d be inclined to display anyway.
Not the same thing at all but my mom put a wallpaper in her powder room, it’s an intense toile. My (Jewish) dad insisted it not depict a church. It’s been 20 years and I notice the church every single time I see it. He has not. I’m guessing most folks won’t notice your china pattern.
Anon
Haha I love a good dad story!
Anon
It feels weird to me to judge Chinese depictions of Chinese people, but I can see feeling offended by western caricatures.
Senior Attorney
BTW if you want a super fun modern alternative to traditional blue willow, check out Calamityware, which features blue willow-type patterns with things like space invasions and sea monsters: https://calamityware.com/products/calamityware-dinner-for-12-with-calamities
Anon
I have wants this for years and it is only the fact that I have eight other sets of dishes that has stopped me. It is so delightfully weird!
Senior Attorney
Same. I have more dishes than I know what to do with but this is so tempting…
Anon
Calamityware follows me around the internet. Someday, someday.
Anonymous
I have Calamityware mugs! Honestly, I have doubts about the quality of the glaze: they are stained in some spots and worn in others. They are probably 5-6 years old.
Anonie
I am a person of color, a die-hard progressive, and I LOVE chinoserie. My dining room is navy and white and accented with beautiful chinoserie vases. Gently, as many real issues as there are in the world, I’d let this one go.
Anonymous
Good lord, no one cares. Asian here.
Anon
On this subject, I love Sheila Bridges’ Harlem toile (G—gle search it).
Anonie
+1 I have a family member who is a huge Shiela Bridges fan and I have gifted her a couple of pieces. They are beautiful.
OP
Thanks for the replies. It’s not something I’d thought of before, and appreciate the input that’s it’s not a on the scale of things to be concerned about.
Anon
This was a sh*tp*st. Come on. This was trolling.
Anon
So was the Elle piece as well?
AnonAnon
Sending love to anyone from Hawaii or who has emotional attachments to there. Absolutely devastating.
Anon
Same, it’s devastating to see the pictures.
anon
Thanks for the notification! It’s hardly being covered on the east coast. I have Bloomberg on in the background and the NYTimes up on my computer and I didn’t even know what you are talking about. There really is an east coast/west coast media divide.
anon
It’s the lead story on the NYT…
anonshmanon
and on WaPo…
Anon
And on my podunk local news
anon
No, I’ve got the deal with Iran at the top and then the CPI is the next story. I imagine NYTimes uses dynamic article placement based on user engagement though.
highlander
NYTimes.com currently has four headlines, live updates that started yesterday and a slideshow. CNN has been covering nonstop, putting local officials on air at 3AM Pacific time. Local affiliates are leading with it.
Anon
It’s the top headline on CNN for the second day in a row… I think this is a you thing. I’m on the east coast without a specific connection to Hawaii and was well aware.
anon
East Coast, here. It’s all over the local news. It’s been “top of the fold” on the WSJ, although off to the side, all morning, too.
Anonymous
That’s not true. It has been all over the news on the east coast.
Anon
Agree that this is a you thing. It’s making international headlines even.
Anon
And all over social media.
Anon
I learned about it from BBC global podcast – it was their lead story
Anon
Interesting. What kind of media are you reading? I wouldn’t be surprised if more right-leaning and right media cover fewer climate issues.
Anon
Mainstream conservative media like the WSJ is covering it.
Anon
It’s unreal. I can’t believe a town as large as Lahaina is just basically gone.
Anon
Read “The Light Pirate.” The entire state of Florida is gone (in our lifetimes).
Kate
Yesterdays finance comments made me curious. The poster had a new car loan and older student loans, all of which had 6% interest rates. Lots of people said pay off the car first. I can’t figure out the math and have been thinking of buying a car soon, trying to see what I’m missing!
Anon
I suspect they said that because most SLs have forbearance and/or deferment options, whereas a car loan would not so it’s a bit riskier to hold the CL debt.
Anon
Yes, and there’s always a possibility that some sort of refinance or forgiveness option will become available to OP, and depending on income level, the interest could be tax deductible. None of this is a possibility for car loans.
anon
Nobody can repossess your degree but they can come take your car. Pay the car off first.
Anon
In addition to student loans having emergency flexibility and a sliver of a chance of forgiveness, I suggested paying off the car first (after maxing out retirement accounts for the year) rather than maxing out retirement plans then paying down the student loans. The balance on the car loan is smaller which makes it more likely the after-tax bonus would actually be enough to max out retirement contributions and fully pay off the car.
The car payment could then be applied to the student loans to pay them off faster, or could be freed up for another purpose (building up emergency savings, maxing out another year’s retirement contributions, splurging on something that brings joy, whatever).
Explorette
Because you can deduct interest on student loans (up to income limits), student loans have preferable terms over car loans (i.e., if you lose your job you can get a reduced payment, they have income based repayment plans, etc.), and student loans are forgiven upon death. So comparitively, it is better to have a student loan than a car loan.
Anon
The income limit on student loan interest deduction is I think $70k for the whole thing and then it phases out by $85k. For yesterday’s OP, hardly worth taking into account.
Anon
I thought she said the bonus was a one time thing. Otherwise her income was 87k, so if she maxes out a 401k, taxable income is below 70k. It’s important to remember how much lower your taxable income can be than your actual income if you contribute a lot to retirement, have an FSA/HSA, pay a lot for health insurance, etc.
Anonymous
A car is a depreciating asset – as soon as you drive it off the lot its value lessens. Paying interest on it just means you’re paying more for a car that’s worth less.
Anonymous
???
Anon
If anyone lives in Maui or has family there, my heart goes out to you. The pictures of the fires are devastating. I can’t believe Lahaina Town is just gone.
If you are planning to go to Maui on vacation in the next few weeks, please cancel your trip and go elsewhere. I’ve had several relatives and friends impacted by fires – my parents lived in a resort town in NM for awhile and had to deal with several wildfires while they were living there; one of my friends was living in Santa Rosa, CA when part of the town burned down in 2018. In the immediate aftermath of a destructive fire, it is really really hard for the locals to deal with the devastation, and disaster-relief personnel to get their jobs done when tourists elect to go to a disaster area because “we spent a long time planning this vacation” and they refuse to make alternative plans. Maui is not a vacation spot right now and will not be for some time. Go somewhere else, and let the locals figure out how they will clean up and rebuild without the distraction of tourists gawking at the ruins of their homes.
Anon
Agreed. All I ever suffered was tornado damage to my home. People driving by to look, while I and helpful others with chain saws tried to clean up the yard enough for the insurance adjuster to even access the property, as if it were a spectacle for them to view, made me want to both cry and throw rocks at them. I did neither of course, but it felt terrible to have a parade of people drive by looking.
Anonymous
People have lost their minds when it comes to gawking. IDK if it’s social media or feeling like the world is reality tv or what, but I’ve seen people come across car accidents, help hasn’t even arrived yet, the person is sitting there dazed, and gawkers will pull out cameras and start taking pics. Giving no thought to the fact that this person is having the worst day of their lives over here.
Anon
The governor has specifically asked people to delay non essential travel to Maui.
Sallyanne
Yes, we have canceled a trip scheduled for next week. It is heartbreaking for the island and will be many years before recovered. I have so many wonderful memories of Lahaina and the island. If so inclined, please consider donating to The Red Cross or the Maui Food Bank or the many other reputable organizations.
Anon
Any crewneck sweatshirt recommendations? I’m looking for a slightly cropped fit, not too fitted but not too oversized either. I ordered a sweatshirt from jcrew recently and the length was right but the sleeves were poofy and enormous which is not what I want.
Anon
It’s not a true heavy sweatshirt but I am wearing the Vuori Daydream Crew and love it. Super soft, a little cropped, simple.
Panda Bear
Check out the James sweatshirt from Frank & Eileen. Very simple and classic. I particularly love their Anna sweatshirt, though it might be more boxy than what you are looking for.
Anon
Lululemon?
NYNY
Madewell’s raglan sweatshirt is cute, although the colors are limited right now.
Anon
Ohh if I wore an xxs that deep palm would be mine!
Lola
This one is cropped but not too boxy. I actually like the neon, but the purple is nice too: https://www.amazon.com/Amazon-Essentials-Shoulder-Sweatshirt-Available/dp/B0BHTBBXKG?ref_=ast_sto_dp&th=1&psc=1
Coach Laura
I know people have posted before but can I get ideas for companies running women-only tours in US, Europe or Canada. Both adventure travel (cycling, hiking) and regular travel. Thanks!
Anon
Adventure Women
NYCer
No personal experience, but I have heard of Atlas Adventures. I follow the founder of the company on IG for general travel inspiration.
Anon
I have a friend who likes Open Invite Trips. They look fun.
anon
I love this! Want to do trips like this but my husband is out of shape.
Coach Laura
I’m doing this solo and the women’s adventure trips are important for that reason.
Anon
Agreed! I hope you have a lot of fun.
highlander
Canyon Calling. Great woman-owned business with adventure trips all over the world.
50th bday
Crowd sourcing gift ideas for brother-in-law’s 50th birthday. He likes baseball and comic books, gadgets of all kind, doesn’t really need anything. Is this just an occasion for fancy alcohol? Or does something better come to mind?
Budget is around $100-150.
Anon
Unless he already has more than he wants, what about fancy bar ware? I am currently enjoying a clear-sphere ice ball contraption and engraved rocks glasses from my bff.
Senior Attorney
Or something like this: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1180451599/birthday-gift-50th-birthday-personalized?click_key=7a289e40d35ea75716f82b6607c3d5aa9f313d96%3A1180451599&click_sum=48db0fd0&external=1&rec_type=ss&ref=pla_similar_listing_top-1&pro=1&frs=1&sts=1
Moose
Just got the NYT book for someone’s 75th birthday: https://store.nytimes.com/products/the-custom-birthday-book?variant=36729583816
anon
I will be getting this for my Dad for his birthday this year. I have a NYT subscription but never knew about this. Thanks for the awesome recommendation!
Anonymous
Tickets to something (maybe go in with another relative?), or a consumable. don’t buy more stuff for someone in their 50s. If he’s sentimental, make him a photobook or slideshow or something.
OOO
You can get him a sweater themed with his favorite baseball team or superhero comic. A holiday sweater in a Spider-Man theme was a big hit with one of my relatives. Tons of options out there
919
Fancy booze 100%. My scotch drinking husband always jokes that he doesn’t want more glasses and ice cube trays and the well meaning people who gave them to him were so close to the fact that he really wanted…a bottle of scotch.
Anon
A fancy alcohol
Bar glasses
Ice cube trays that make baseball shaped ice cubes
NYC tourism
So…what’s the casual tourist wearing in NYC these days? I acknowledge I will look like a tourist, but need to balance my desire not to look like a complete dork against the vagaries of August weather. I haven’t locked down anything yet, but I’m looking forward to all..the…food!
anon
you can wear absolutely anything you want. Summer dresses, shorts, athleisure, gauzy linen pants…. wear sneakers (real ones not cute ones) or real walking sandals like birkenstocks.
Anonymous
Yes this. Just like all of us who
Live here do. You’ll look like a tourist because you’re lost and happy and starting at a building not because of your clothes.
Cat
lol so true – I’ll add “walking 3-4 across on narrow sidewalks,” “randomly stopping in the middle of a sidewalk,” and “blocking intersection to gather around someone’s phone for directions” to the list.
Treat sidewalks like two-way roads for people and you’ll avoid annoying a LOT of locals!
Anon
“and happy” got a laugh out of me.
Anon
Yes literally anything you are comfortable walking around in. The European tourists are all wearing sneakers and loose dresses.
Anonymous
White sneakers like Superga with a loose dress and denim jacket for over air conditioned restaurants would be perfect.
Anon
This look isn’t very current, imo. Loose wide trousers, tighter tank top on top, and sneakers would be one more en vogue.
Love NYC
I was just in NYC and can confirm that anything goes. I wore shorts, t-shirt and sneakers. Nobody blinked an eye. The best part of NYC is that everybody minds their own business. Have fun – it is a great city.
Anon
I saw lots of cute shorts and sneakers last weekend.
Anon
I’m looking for some everyday earrings that are comfortable to sleep in. After having a baby, I just never seem to remover to put earrings in before leaving the house. Any recommendations for terms to search and good online jewelry websites?
Anon
Look for “flat back” or “nap” earrings. It looks like Mejuri and Maison Miru have a bunch.
Anon
I don’t know anything about this brand, but these are really cute: https://www.pippoppost.com/collections/shop-all/products/the-duo-marquise
Anon
Mejuri has a decent selection of hoops that click down, so there is nothing to poke you while you sleep. That’s the only type of earrings that I wear these days.
Anon
Huggie hoops are comfortable to sleep in and are in fact what I wore and slept in when I had a colicky baby who didn’t enjoy sleeping. I had a little dangly pearl on mine.
I’m always in favor of going to a local jeweler so I don’t know who to recommend online.
anonymous
Tini Lux is nice, designed to be worn all the time, and also generally designed to not irritate sensitive ears, but their flat back/screw back options are somewhat limited.
The brand Comfy Earrings is a little less fashion-y than some others mentioned but has been great for me. Mostly or all screw back/huggie, less expensive than others mentioned, designed for sensitive ears, and the more basic options look really nice.
Fisk fans unite
Thanks for the recommendation for Fisk (Netflix). I watched part of Ep. 1 yesterday and can’t wait for more. I would love to have Helen as a friend.
Runcible Spoon
Yes, I was inspired to add this series to my list on Netflix. A bit of a “busman’s holiday,” perhaps, but if the lawyers on this site endorse it, and given its foreign setting, perhaps I won’t be distracted by any depctions of non-realistic procedures.
Anonymous
Same! Started last night it is so good
Anon
So glad you are enjoying it!
Shoe help
Quality shoes – what am I missing?! I regularly wear out shoes in less than 6 months.
– I have a brisk stride, but no signs of uneven/one sided wear on the shoes
– I generally wear my shoes 2-3 days/weekdays (nude loafer, black flat, black heel) and sneakers/sandals on weekends.
– I wear through Target or mall brand shoes in 2-3 months: glue comes undone, loose stitching, sole detached from the shoe, etc. This year I splurged on Tory Burch loafers, Clarks heels, and Cole Haan sneakers. I bought all three pairs in early spring and the loafers and sneakers need to be replaced soon:I.e., loafers already have loose stitching, sole felt pads peeling up, and super worn leather in several places.
– I drive 40 minutes a day in minimal traffic, I walk less than 3-5 miles per day, I am rarely outdoors (but admittedly might wear them for 2-3 blocks in the occasional rain storm).
– I don’t have foot pain. I wear a size 8 normal width. I do have a very brisk walk (I’m petite but mostly work with men and learned to walk fast.) What am I doing wrong? Are there shoes that last more than a few months?
Anonymous
If you are walking 3-5 miles a day in dress shoes they are just going to wear out quickly. You can extend their lives by having your cobbler put rubber over the leather soles and having the heel tips replaced regularly. If you are walking 3-5 miles a day in running shoes that means the cushioning will wear out in less than 6 months.
Anon
Do you rotate shoes, or wear the same shoes every day?
Do you have a long walking commute?
Do you wear the same shoes for your commute that you wear at work?
Maybe you should have a hardy pair of real sneakers for walking, and save your good shoes for indoors at work etc..
Do you sweat/have bare feet in your shoes (this wears them more quickly)?
Some people even have a sweat pH that may wear shoes more!
Anon
First, Target and mall brands are not quality shoes.
Do you have a heavy tread? Or strike on your heel rather than midfoot? My husband and I walk a similar number of steps per day and while my shoes typically last 5-10 years, he burns through his in a few months. He walks heavy, not quite stomping but the way he steps down just seems very jarring. He also does not put his shoes on nor does he take them off gently. He jams his foot in fast and hard and often tears up the collar doing so. The only shoes that have lasted for him are work-boot brands or serious hiking shoes. I stopped buying him nice dress shoes because he just wears through them so quickly. For him, cheaper mall brands are the way to go because they are less expensive to replace so often.
anon
My DH is the same way. He destroys shoes and socks so quickly. Be more careful!
OP, 3-5 miles a day is a lot of mileage on dressy shoes. I would save the nice shoes for the office and do everything else in sneakers.
Anonymous
Are you wearing socks? If not it may be that the sweat from your feat is causing the shoes to deteriorate.
Anon
Do you let them rest a day between wears? Undo any laces or buckles when removing them?
Anon
Walking 3-5 miles a day is a lot, actually.
Anon
+1 of course that’s going to wear out your shoes. Nicer ones than target quality will last a little bit longer but you’ll still be unhappy with their lifespan. Wear walking shoes for walking.
Anon
Yes, and don’t wear your nice leather shoes for walking outside! Of course that’s going to wear them out. I keep my nice shoes at the office and never wear them outside.
Anonymous
Yes – especially if it’s outdoors. I’m a little puzzled though because you say you commute by car, so I’m wondering how it’s possible to walk 5 miles in work shoes. Do you have a job where you’re on your feet constantly – like my husband, who’s a doctor? He has to walk from the parking garage to his clinic (about 1/2 mile each way) and then is walking from room to room/standing up and sitting down/shutting doors, working pedals or moving chairs with his feet all day long. My husband rotates between black and brown leather shoes – occasionally throwing in a dressy sneaker — and probably has to replace the leather shoes about every 9 months. This is years faster than I remember my father (a lawyer) needing to replace his fancy, leather soled shoes.
I don’t think buying a different brand will help because it sounds like you are unusually hard on your shoes. Just for perspective, I expect my work shoes to last for at least 3 years without looking worn out, but I polish them and get them re-soled in that time frame. If I were wearing a black loafer without socks/tights 2x per week year round, I’d still expect to get at least a year before they looked terrible. But I also wouldn’t do that – I’d have more shoes in rotation or would try to wear some sort of sock or would only wear them inside.
If you’re getting wear on the tops/sides of the shoes, it sounds like you’re banging into things. You could try being more mindful of that — or be more careful about changing into commuting shoes even when you go to pick up lunch. If this comment was more about the heels getting scuffed, I’d avoid buying heels covered in leather and go for a stacked heel style.
Re the liners curling up: that could be poor quality, or it could be caused by not leaving enough time between wears for the shoe to fully dry out. You could try adding more shoes to your rotation and also try storing the shoes stuffed with paper.
Anon
That’s a lot of mileage for cheap shoes. I would suggest wearing sneakers for that and saving the other shoes for less intense purposes.
Anonymous
What kind of before-care and after-care are you doing for your shoes? I spray mine before first wearing (and then again at the beginning of the season) with waterproofing spray. I also make sure that they’re airing out between each use and not, say, in a drawer or something. In your case I might also consider using a shoehorn and an insert for the sole.
Where is the weather worn? That might say something about your stride or if the shoes don’t fit properly, like for a bunion or something.
Anon
The truth is, if you want shoes to last, you have to get thick soled, heavy shoes like a classic pair of men’s lace up dress shoes. You can them polished and resoled and re-sewn as maintenance and have them for a long time.
Women’s shoes are mostly not made like this. I have some boots that are, but none of my dress pumps or flats are anywhere near as sturdy. They would wear out quickly being worn 2 or 3 times a week and walking 3-5 miles a day, just as yours are.
There are makers like The Office of Angela Scott who attempt to make women’s shoes like the men’s shoes. They’re expensive but seem to be very well made. I haven’t pulled the trigger because I have extremely fussy feet and would prefer to go to a store and try on, but I may some day.
Some of my old Fluevogs were constructed like this too. Not all styles, but the more Oxford types were.
Anon
https://theofficeofangelascott.com/collections/sale
Anon
This is the answer. If you have larger feet, and like a menswear look, Allen Edmonds shoes are available in a variety of widths and you can usually pick them up on Poshmark or Ebay for a steal if you want to test the waters.
I live in my Thursday Vanguard boots in the winter – 4 years, going strong, due for a resole soon.
Anon
My mom always gave me a hard time for being ‘hard on shoes’, but it turned out I’m just actually walking in them (compared to her drive to a place and drive home). Most shoes last around 300 miles. At 3 miles per day, your regular quality shoes will last an average 100 days before they start to show serious wear, or less than 6 months (of continuous wear). Since you rotate your shoes it should be longer. High quality shoes might get you to 400 or even 500 miles.
Anon
This is helpful. Thanks.
EyeNon
Does anyone have a rec for an ophthalmologist in DC? I habe plenty of recs for optometrists, but I have an issue that needs an ophthalmologist and I don’t know who is good. Thanks!
Anon
do you need DC proper or maryland is ok?
EyeNon
Maryland or Virginia is fine! Thank you.
Anon
Dr. Jerome Gabry or Dr. Pamela Cheung at Maryland Eye Consultants and Surgeons
Eyenon
Thank you!!
Anona
I saw Amy Green-Simms a couple years ago for a one off issue, and was pleased with the experience.
Anonymous
J. John Woo of Advanced Reina Center in Tysons
Anonymous
Please share optometrist recs!
I was given the rec to see Kenneth Schor and he seems fine.
EyeNon
Thank you for these! DC optometrist recs I have are Dr Amy Martin, Dr Steven Glasser, and Stephen Lobaugh.
Anonymous
I spent the first five days of my solo staycation napping, reading and binging Netflix. I was extremely burned out and needed it — but I woke up today feeling somewhat rejuvenated and I’m looking for some generic ideas for how to spend the next day and a half before my daughter returns from her father’s house and we head out on a very active hiking vacation. I’d prefer to keep it relatively cheap (no spa appointments). Friends are all working so these would be solo activities, which I don’t usually enjoy but I’m trying to be more open to them!
So far I have: make myself a nice dinner tonight — something she wouldn’t eat; go to a daytime yoga class tomorrow that I enjoy but usually can’t attend because of work.
Senior Attorney
Go see the Barbie movie?
Anon
+100000
Anonymous
Find a body of water and swim in it. Get a manicure. Walk to a bookshop. Walk in a park. Go see a movie in the theatre.
Anon
I would take a nice long bath – you can get some bubble bath, maybe a hair and face mask and a candle to make it a real treat. Add a glass of wine or other beverage and a nice book or show to watch! Hope you enjoy your time off!
Anon
I’d go for a long walk with a podcast or audiobook (from the library)! I’m LOVING the podcast The Girlfriends, and In the Woods by Tana French was a gripping audiobook. For lighter fare, Elin Hildebrand is always great on audio. Have fun!
OOO
Peruse a bookstore. Or sit in a cafe and read a book.
Anon
Museum or gallery
Anon
Coffee shop + book
Senior Attorney
Any travel recs for Argentina? We will be in the Buenos Aires area for a week in February with friends and are interested in things to do, eat, and see.
Anon
If you can fit it into your schedule, I did a weekend at the Puesto Viejo polo ranch (including a polo lesson and watching a match) and it was lovely. Also, the Four Seasons there is gorgeous with great food and the Alvear Palace is an old- world dream (personal butler service!).
Anon
Literally the thing that made me want to go to Argentina was reading Polo by Jilly Cooper.
Not yet, but someday!
Flats Only
Since you’ll be retired and presumably have time on your hands, how about this:
https://www.celebritycruises.com/itinerary-details/14-night-antarctica-from-buenos-aires-argentina?packageID=EC14F107
Antarctica “sail past” from Buenos Aires.
Senior Attorney
That is actually exactly what we are doing, only on Seabourn. Can’t wait!!
Anonymous
Today is my last day at what used to be my dream job until it turned toxic. I have been surprised by a bunch of congratulatory messages from staff and peers citing specific things they enjoyed about working with me. Part of the reason I left was that I felt I was no longer able to be an effective manager and to protect my staff from problems caused by upper management, so this is helping me to feel like less of a failure. It’s also a bit like attending my own funeral.
Moral of the story: if you have genuine and specific praise for someone, don’t be afraid to share it! It matters more than you may ever know.
Anon
Totally agree. I left a really toxic law firm after less than a year, and I was so pleasantly surprised by how many people (mostly support staff) sent me really kind messages telling me they’d enjoyed working with me and wishing me well.
And congrats to you on getting out of the toxic place!
anon
Congratulations on your move! I hope your new position is everything you are looking for!
Can you please mention more about what prompted you to not feel like an effective manager? I may be in this same boat and was curious. One thing that makes me feel ineffective are occassionally recurring issues that I am prevented from solving. I think I either have to live with that or leave…
OP
Very generally: Being deliberately set up to fail. Gaslighting. Bullying of my staff. Lack of strategic direction for the organization. Lack of administrative, legal, accounting, etc. support.
Anonymous
Do bibs for adults exist? I have a lifelong habit of dropping bits of food on my shirt, and I just need a reusable solution I can throw on for the 20 minutes I eat lunch while catching up on emails each day in the office.
Anonymous
Desk cardigan.
Anon
+1. Oversized, washable cardigan in a dark color. I wear it with the sides pulled tight to cover the entire front of my shirt.
Cerulean
Sounds like a large napkin tucked into your shirt would work for you.
Anonymous
Yes, for people who have cognitive or physical limitations. You can just use a cloth napkin. Don’t be weird.
Anon
An oversized t shirt over whatever you’re already wearing. Cut off the sleeves if you don’t need them. Otherwise, check adaptive clothing sellers.
Anon
I wear dark colored sweatshirts for this.
Apron
At home I wear an apron when eating messy foods. Probably wouldn’t work for the office, though. Interested to see what suggestions come in!
Anon
I do the same and would love a solution. It’s usually just tucked in napkin for me if I’m not at home. Wish that was socially acceptable in restaurants though…
Winter
Would an apron help with this?
KP
i wear an apron at home and have patterned tops i call restaurant tops
Anon
A napkin?
Monte
On days I was paranoid about dripping onto a light colored top, I would just use a wrap or pashmina. Maybe difficult if you are eating outdoors in full summer sun, but otherwise helpful and reads more sophisticated/less infantilizing than a true bib.
Runcible Spoon
Dishcloth draped over your chest down to your lap, or tucked in to your neckline, like a napkin. It’s just an oversized napkin, but a convenient size when eating in a non-traditional setting (on the couch in front of the TV, at your desk, etc.).
Anon
Yes, they do.
Here’s an elegant one, for the office, or date night.
https://www.amazon.com/EpoBob-Washable-Adjustable-Dazzling-Necklace/dp/B0BY4N5TZP/ref=sr_1_8?crid=27VVXL2R1E9FY&keywords=bibs+for+elderly+women&qid=1691696013&sprefix=bibs+for+elderly%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-8
Anon
I’ll be in NYC next week and want to do a bookstore tour. What bookstores other than the Strand are not to be missed? TIA?
Anon
There’s a substack called Bookstore Quest 2021 by a guy who has visited almost all bookstores in NYC. I highly recommend going though this old posts for ideas. Sadly, Yu and Me Books in Chinatown (one of my favorites) is temporarily closed after a fire.
Some of my favorites are the Housing Works bookstore for used books (I’ve gotten some real gems from their $1 rack). I also like McNally Jackson for a good selection of new books (I like the south street seaport location best). Their staff picks and curated tables are great and often highlight things I wouldn’t have come across otherwise, and they organize fiction by area of the world/country, which is a fun way to browse. Greenlight and Books are Magic are also great for new books.
There are a lot of small used bookstores all over, so you can probably find a bunch to visit near whatever else you want to do or see.
Anon
My comment is awaiting moderation but to add to it —
Forgot to also mention Kinokuniya Books across from Bryant Park. It’s a Japanese chain. Manga upstairs, books in Japanese and stationary in the basement, and books in English on the main floor. They have an amazing selection of contemporary Japanese fiction translated into English — tons of books and authors I’ve never seen in any other bookstore. A nice big selection of NYRB books too, which I love. This is also right next to the Big Library, which is worth a visit too.
Seventh Sister
We visited NYC last summer. My teenager LOVED Kinokuniya Books, and then we had coffees in Bryant Park (where she decided to have a nervous breakdown over high school but that wasn’t the bookstore’s fault). I had a good time too – I find her discussion of manga and anime stultifying, but there were lots of cute things to look at and buy.
Anonymous
Ooh, my teenager has asked for a trip to NYC as her graduation present and would love this!
Seventh Sister
It was a much nicer afternoon than I expected! The places that sell manga near us aren’t nearly as fun.
Anonymous
The Ripped Bodice just opened up a location in Brooklyn if you like romance!
Hypatia
I like housing works bookstore cafe in soho
Z
The Drama Book Shop is very unique and especially cool if you enjoy theatre.
Anon
Personally wouldn’t prioritize The Strand, +1 McNally Jackson also highly, highly recommend The Corner Bookstore and Albertine, which is affiliated with the French Embassy and has a beautiful ceiling mural.
Runcible Spoon
Argosy Book Store on the upper east side
Anon
OP- thank you for all the recs so far, please keep them coming
Anon
I should add, both new and used books would be amazing, I love browsing both. Thank you!
Anon
Does “The Compleat Traveler” bookstore still exist? (East 30s)
NYNY
If you like cookbooks and food writing, Bonnie Slotnick & Kitchen Arts and Letters are great. And I haven’t been, but there’s a store called Sweet Pickle Books on the Lower East Side that sells used books that mention pickles and also sells pickles.
editrix
Three Lives & Company in the West Village is small but mighty.