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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I’ve decided that I want quit Amazon for both ethical and environmental reasons.
I was using amazon for convenience reasons (selection, ease of purchase, price and ease of delivery). I live in a row home in the city and so can’t get packaged delivered to my address (and cant get them sent to work). I have a car but a) only use it once a week or so and b) often have to park several blocks away.
I have 2 city sized targets nearby but no Walmart, etc. Most of what I was buying on amazon was either not available in the stores around me or was way cheaper on amazon. I’m not a high earner, so I’m balling on a budget and have work days that often are long/unpredictable.
How have you been successful in cutting your Amazon ties?
Anon
I switched pretty much exclusively to Target -free two day shipping and 5% discount with the red card makes it as easy and cheap as Amazon for me. The only thing I bought on Amazon that I can’t get at Target was dog food, so I buy that at a local pet store now. You don’t have to go cold turkey at Amazon to have an impact though. You can start just buying what you can elsewhere.
anonymous
Yep, Target 2-day shipping is my go-to now. And that has the added bonus of keeping me from going into a Target, which is a pleasure, but often results in impulse shopping. Oh Target. <3 Also helpful is stocking up on multiples of things that I go through quickly and don't want to be without (shampoo, toothpaste, cotton balls, ziplock bags, etc) so I don't need to make impromptu mid-week store runs.
Anon
Maybe buy some reusable rubber/silicone bags so you’re not going through ziplocks quickly? While we’re talking about environmentalism…
Anonymous
We tried these. They are not a viable alternative to ziplocs, or they weren’t for us. Some foods leave residues or odors that are nearly impossible to remove when you wash the bags. The zips on the silicone bags we got were not watertight, and leakage from food ruined one of our reusable lunchbags, which we then had to replace. It’s also not easy to get them to dry and so unless you want to buy a really large quantity of bags so you always have one ready to go while the others are drying for two or three days, it doesn’t work. We’ve figured out we’re better off using a variety of small Rubbermaid containers with leakproof lids instead of ziploc bags – not as easy to shove in a refrigerator or lunchbox but they work much better than the silicone bags did. I can always find never-used small plastic containers at our local thrift store for maybe a dollar apiece.
Anon
Anyone have a reasonably priced reusable bag that works well? The ones I saw at Target the other day were surprisingly expensive. Along this line, I’ve stopped using paper towels (bought a pack of bar mops from Sam’s Club). I keep one roll hidden away for the occasional bacon grease or patting dry meat.
Anon
Or just reuse them! Jeez, I very rarely buy new ziploc bags. Wash those puppies out and use ’em again!
NYC Girl
I just switched to using reusable containers (plastic, glass) where I’d normally use ziplocks. I only keep some around for must-have reduced my use to ~2-3/week max.
Anonymous
Where do you have packages delivered?
Anon
There’s an Amazon Locker Hub a few blocks away.
Cat
-Willingness to WAIT a week or two to get whatever it is on an errand day – Amazon is fabulous at instant gratification, which is hard to resist!
-Liberal use of “in store pickup” – whether Target, grocery store, Macy’s, whatever – so I can still save time by shopping online (and avoiding in store impulse buys)
-If you can’t temporarily park in front of your house to unload, keep a foldable shopping cart in your car to make the trip from parking spot to house easier
Anonymous
If you can’t park to unload, why expect Amazon to do it?
I think I’m missing something — I live in a row house too.
Anon
OP- I use the Amazon store front in my neighborhood
Anon
Sorry – it’s called an Amazon Hub +
Anonymous
Hand truck + Rubbermaid tub + bungee cord was how I did this. Also: taking cabs or having a friend drive. We used to do monthly Costco or Target runs in the suburbs when I lived in a big city.
Anonymous
Why is target better than amazon? I ordered a baby gift from there this summer—something like 5 board books and a wrap. It was delivered in at least 4 separate packages to the recipient. How is that any better than amazon?
Anon
Jeff Bezos is a jerk, but Target two-day shipping isn’t more environmentally friendly. You want to do better? Buy way less crap.
anon
+1
anon
I suspect OP is thinking about Amazon’s many questionable business practices, including their treatment of workers– not just packaging. I’ve never my orders shipped in multiple packages shipped from Target, but don’t doubt that it happens.
Anon
But that’s retail. All mass market retailers have shady business practices (despite PR to the contrary) and treatment of workers, unless you’re actually willing to pay a company to not do that. There are no free lunches here. You either pony up the money and patronize business who do business in sustainable, ethical ways or you don’t.
Source: Former manager at a “100 Best Places to Work” retailer
Anonymous
Strongly disagree. You’re basically saying that if you’re not going to buy fair trade, free range, organic, union made whatever then it doesn’t matter if you buy a product with none of those characteristics. But that’s not how it works, something can be an improvement without being perfection.
Life isn’t black and white. Amazon is a cr@p retailer, that’s well documented. There are many other, non-perfect, but better retailers out there. The aim is progress not perfection.
Anon
I don’t think anyone is saying Target is perfect or couldn’t do better, just that it’s a better alternative to Amazon, which is known to be terrible in a number of ways.
anon
No… just no. Come on- obviously some businesses have worse practices than others. Don’t be obtuse.
Anon
Not being obtuse. I don’t much care for WalMart, but at least they’re pretty transparent about the things they have to do in order to meet price points. Target, Publix, Kroger and Costco pay a little bit more but it’s still retail – crap hours for not much money. Relying on part-timers with no benefits to fill schedule gaps. Managers work insane hours and put up with uncivil garbage from customers that folks in their office jobs would dream of. Corporate pushes a cult mentality to prevent workers asking for better conditions, or worse unionizing. I’m so glad to be away from that life.
anon
Mmk I’m glad that you’ve managed to cut yourself off from all of the services of all corporations that have flawless policies.
Anon
I never said that. To some extent in this day and age, they’re unavoidable as a shopper for some things. I’m just not bullshitting myself into thinking that I’m being more virtuous by choosing one over the other when they all suck.
JTM
Target has an option when you checkout to ship all your items together – next time just check the box.
Target is actually doing most of their shipping from their stores, not consolidated warehouses which is why you got separate packages since you didn’t indicate you wanted them shipped together.
Anonymous
Target’s labor practices are not amazing but they are much less horrible than Amazon. You can also do returns to brick and mortar stores which saves on the environmental cost of return shipping.
Anon
Target treats their employees better. If you don’t need things urgently, you can also say “consolidate my packages into as few shipments as possible” and they give you a $1 discount for doing so.
Cb
This is something I’d like to work on as well. I’ve reduced my Amazon purchases by waiting until I have a critical mass of items. No more buy it now items for me. Right now I have a foot sling for the airplane, Thomas training pants, and shoelaces in my shopping cart and if I can buy any of those in person, I’ll do so.
Annie
Maybe the target ship to store option?
JTM
Just an FYI, not everything is “ship to store” eligible at Target – it’s only certain SKUs. So that may not be an option depending on what she’s buying.
Anon
Be absolutely ruthless re: what’s a want and what’s a need. Buy less stuff regardless of source. I don’t make much money and am very much on a budget. I buy only what I absolutely need but when quality matters, spend a bit more to get that item that’ll last forever.
anon
I never order on Amazon (ok, maybe ~1 item a year). I guess the puzzle for me whenever people talk about Amazon purchases or general online shopping: what are you buying? It definitely seems like most people on this site purchase a lot more stuff than I do and I can never figure out how. This is not at all meant rudely, but maybe looking into what you’re buying is a place to start? I really only buy stuff on the weekends, and even then it’s basically just groceries, restaurants & experiences (which can’t be replaced with Amazon), and CVS type items (which admittedly we probably could consolidate to grocery store but we’re brand loyalists). Grocery shopping and CVS plus the random hardware store purchase or what not takes 45-60 minutes once a week at most but often way less than that. My husband and I never have really felt like the “convenience” of online shopping is actually more convenient for us and would just cause us to probably double or triple our purchases, like buying books instead of swinging by the library.
Anon
OP here- I mostly buy needs, with the occasional want because life is short.
Looking back on recent purchases: I’ve bought jumper cables (no hardware stores nearby), a flashlight (bought 4 on amazon for the price on one in a store), a travel outlet adapter for an upcoming trip (not carried in the local target), silicon drinking straws (also not in stores). Basically, lots of odds and ends hard to find in the city.
Anon
I shopping pattern is exactly like anon at 9:21 AM. I am just amazed when people say they have an amazon order at their door every other day or even weekly. For OP, I would have bought jumper cables and flashlight in Costco (do you really need 4 flashlights even if it is cheap?), travel outlet adapter in REI or Best Buy and drinking straws in Whole Foods (admittedly an amazon company, but I have seen them in stores). All the things you mentioned are not emergency needs and could be planned for a weekend. Amazon/online ordering would not have to come to my mind at all.
Anonymous
Yeah, I sort of think the OP has an impossible problem–she can’t get packages shipped to work or home, and she only wants to drive her car once a week, and she doesn’t have any hardware stores nearby. So, move? It sounds like the OP wants to be able to walk to local stores and buy all of her stuff that way. This would require living in exactly the right place in exactly the right city. Also, it takes more time and will likely be more expensive. If she forgoes the Amazon locker, how is she going to get stuff?
Anon
OP here: I have a plan for 3 of the flashlights, and will either give the 4th to my roommate or will just have it as a back up.
One is for my car, one is for my house, and one is for my work bag (work often involves walking around outside at night)
anonymous
I guess I’m lucky that I have multiple stores in my city where I could find items like this. But for future reference..
1. Auto Zone or Advanced Auto would have jumper cables.
2. Flashlight – you could probably find that easily in stores, but I get the appeal of getting four for the price of 1.
3. Travel outlet adapter – this can be hard to find in stores, but maybe Best Buy would have something like that.
4. Straws – Bed, Bath and Beyond comes to mind for something like that.
Anonymous
Pretty sure Bed, Bath and Beyond has flashlights, travel adapters and straws. Plus you can order online from them.
anon
But if you’re trying to be more environmentally conscious, then having four for the price of one makes zero sense. Aren’t three of those going to sit in your cabinet?
Anon
How environmentally friendly is it to drive to stores that might be far away from each other? In my town, that’s at least two gallons of gas to pick all those things up.
Anonymous
I’m kind of amused by the hate OP is getting for 4 flashlights. Of course you need more than one! One for the car, and at least one per floor of your house in case of a power outage. I’m not climbing a dark stairway to find a flashlight, it’s just not safe.
anonymous
I’m the anon that posted about the different stores. Where I live, most of those places are all in the same strip mall area so I don’t have to drive that far. If the OP really doesn’t want to order from Amazon, then I was just providing some options – but who knows if they are actually feasible.
I feel like the environmental impact is hard to calculate – either you are driving to multiple stores or having Amazon ship you boxes.
It feels like if we really want to be environmentally cautious, we should go back to the olden days of making everything by hand buying locally. It seems like the environment is so effed up already the only way to recover is if the population was drastically reduced. There are just too many people producing too much waste.
Anonymous
It’s much more environmentally friendly to be driving around town to different stores vs. Amazon flying half empty boxes in planes across the country.
Anon
OP here: Anon at 10:48- you’re right, all of these stores are nearby each other. I could probably knock out all of those errands in 2-3 shopping centers. However, those shopping centers are all at least 30 minutes away in the burbs.
Anonymous
You can buy all those at Target. Check the box for them to be shipped together, don’t select two-day shipping and you’re much better off in terms of impact than Amazon with two day shipping.
Anon
Do you have kids? I just glanced at my Amazon and Target purchase history and 98% of my recent purchases are kid stuff. I buy books and toys mostly as gifts for my friends’ kids, but lots of clothes and necessary gear (from little things like sippy cups to big things like car seats) for my kid. I think of us as minimalists and my kid doesn’t have a big wardrobe but between seasonal items (we just had to buy a bunch of winter gear at Target) and the fact that she’s still growing out of clothes, shoes and sleepsacks every ~6 months, it’s a lot. I certainly hope to cut back on purchases when she’s older and not growing as fast but for now we have to buy a lot just to maintain a basic wardrobe and make sure she’s safe and has the items she needs to get through the day.
Anon
Check out nextdoor or Craigslist for used kids clothes from parents in your area. Why pay for new stuff they’ll outgrow quickly and probably throw up on too?
Anonymous
Because on Amazon I can find what they need quickly, and on Craigslist I cannot
Anon
My kid is almost 2.5, so it’s been years since she last got bodily fluids on her clothes (barring illness). I have concerns about used items because of the possibility of thirdhand smoke and cat dandruff, which I’m dangerously allergic to. Also, at this phase of my life, I have a lot more money than time, and scouting used things requires a lot of time. I don’t buy from the more expensive stores like Hanna and BabyGAP for play clothes, but Target is really affordable and if I do the $/hour calculation on my time, Target works out to be cheaper than Craigslist. I do donate/give to friends everything that’s even in halfway usable condition, and take totally worn out clothes to textile recycling.
Julia
“Because on Amazon I can find what they need quickly, and on Craigslist I cannot”
“Help me avoid ordering on Amazon. No, not that way. No, that won’t work either. Really nothing other than ordering on Amazon will work.”
OP, obviously nothing will match the convenience/prices/selection/ease of Amazon. That’s why Bezos is absolutely rolling in cash — it’s a fantastic company that provides fantastic service that is largely unparalleled. You’re not going to get the exact Amazon experience without using Amazon. Something’s gotta give.
Anonymous
Costco is a great source for kids clothes and that’s where we buy our car seats. Their winter gear (at least on the Canadian site), is high quality.
Anon
I like this approach for younger kids, but to be fair my 4 year old really wears out her clothes before she outgrows them, and I find getting used clothes in good condition for her pretty tough. Shoes are basically impossible (except snow boots). I always pass everything wearable on to a friend, and as my kid has gotten older, the hand me down bags have gotten pretty spare.
Anonymous
Right. The “just buy used clothes” works for awhile but especially for our son, there was a period from the time he was about 5 until he was 11 and could start fitting in men’s small sizes where used clothes just weren’t a thing. Kids wear out their clothes before they grow out of them after a certain age, and try as I might, I could not find clothes he could fit in that were still in acceptable shape.
The other factor here is school uniforms/schools that have “uniformly dressed” dress codes. My son could wear khaki-style pants (with no cargo pockets) in three colors and plain (no logo, no nothing) polo shirts in one of five colors to school. That was it. Anything else was a violation of the dress code and would get him sent home. Most of what I found in thrift stores and on Craigslist were cargo pants and logo or graphic tees that didn’t fit the dress code. That necessitated that we bought new clothes online (usually from Old Navy and Hanes).
I really wish people who do not have kids would not comment to parents about what they should or shouldn’t do in regards to their children. I don’t post on the dating threads because I haven’t dated in 20+ years and I don’t have a frame of reference for how things work now. It’s completely foreign to me. If someone doesn’t have, or routinely take care of, children, they don’t have a frame of reference for how it works in the real world. Seeing the “well, you should just do this” posts about parenting from single people or people who don’t have children is just as irritating to me as the “well, you should just do this” posts from married/coupled people are to the folks posting in the dating threads. Mutual respect and staying in one’s own lane would go a long way here.
Anonymous
Re the “just buy used” comments . . .
I used to help run a thrift shop. It was slim pickings all around — items were too worn, too shabby, too unstylish, but we took the donations anyway b/c poor people have so few good items.
UNLESS you were a size 0-4 woman, in which case we had tons of barely worn items b/c thin women with money will shop for new clothes while their old clothes are still servicable. We actually had to re-donate a lot otherwise our store would be full of last year’s 0-4 clothes. Larger sizes, women’s sizes, maternity sizes: never enough of anything halfway decent. Kids’ clothes, especially winter coats? Hard to get, especially coats. Men’s clothes, especially coats? Never — it’s like someone got a coat in 1985 and wore it until he died; then his widow donated it. I never understood, but that’s how it was.
The only kids’ clothes we ever had in great shape were fancy NB, premie, and 0-3 months, which they wear for like a day before it gets outgrown and they aren’t moving yet so the knees don’t get worn out.
Anon
And people without kids get REALLY tired of people with kids thinking they’re above taking basic steps to help the environment because kids are hard. “Stay in your own lane” is not a strategy to engage wide swathes of the public in environmental efforts. We all need to make sacrifices and deal with our choices. You chose to have kids and therefore you need to be part of conversations about how to reduce the burden of kids on the environment (your family’s carbon footprint is bigger than mine just by existing).
Anon
Anon at 11:53, my son will be paying for your Medicare and Social Security.
Anon
No, he won’t. I don’t expect those programs to exist by the time I’m old enough to receive benefits (and even if they do, I’ll receive less than I’ve paid in). I’m not sure our planet will exist either tbh.
Anon
Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry your lonely, pathetic life has you so down that you’re feeling the need to rant at people on the Internet. I am sure you’re aware that the chances of your rantings changing anyone’s behavior are really low, right? I am sorry you couldn’t create a life for yourself that results in you not lashing out at people for choices that don’t really affect you, but taking your anger out on others really isn’t a viable option. If you do that to people in your real life, that’s exactly why you’re so lonely and sad – people don’t like being around other people who are angry and hostile all the time, FYI. If it helps, I am really, really sorry for you.
Anon
I suppose you think that’s clever and amusing, but you know that people on this site have been writing those faux-concerned snarky comments for like ten years, right? At least be original if you’re going to throw shade.
anon
completely agree with anon@12:01 that nobody likes to be around hostile people. For example, people calling others lonely, sad and pathetic.
anon
Really Anon at 12:01? You made a really low blow that was intended to be personal in a way the purported “ranting” was not. Honest to god, do you really need to bring that kind of unnecessary meanness here? You’re not just criticizing her behavior (and really, asserting that people with children should still try to be environmentally conscious isn’t that bad) you’re intentionally calling her and her life worthless and trying to make her feel that way. Stop it. To intentionally shame someone, call her and her life pathetic and worthless and imply that everyone in her life views her that way is incredibly cruel and makes ME feel sick just to read it, and I’m not even the person you’re talking to.
Anonymous
I was proud to reuse a lot of my first son’s clothes on my second… but they have not held up well. Particularly organic cotton stuff. I try to give away the stuff that isn’t worn but in truth a lot of it, after only 2 owners, is hopefully headed for the recycling factory (hopefully = not the landmine).
Anon
Same.
I have a kid. I buy most gifts for parties at the local bookstore. My kid is out of sippy cups and other “gear” stage. For kid’s clothes, I buy in person at a couple of stores near work (gap, H&M) and target. I order stuff online once in a while, but maybe 1-3 packages a month. That includes my cat’s specialty food, which is not sold in stores in my neighborhood. I do sometimes order from Target for things I can’t get in store, and always click the “combine into one shipment” box. If Target doesn’t have it, I google around for an independent retailer that does — I bought specialty lightbulbs that way.
Reducing consumption is the key. I used to just buy something whenever I felt an inconvenience or an idea that would make my life easier, but now I default to trying to make do with what I already have. I wanted a bag to carry my lunch in, but decided to forgo it and realized that I had a weird undersized tote bag I had forgotten about that fits my lunch perfectly. I also have a mental list of things I would like to get and peek into thrift stores when I happen to be near one – I’ve ended up with lots of little stuff that way, like cocktail glasses and a butter dish.
Anonymous
Why are we all talking about kids? And arguing about kids? The OP posted a question about how to still get things and not use Amazon locker pick-up, nor delivery, and only drive her car once a week. This has turned into “I have kids, so I have to use Amazon, stay in your lane, you ridiculous single people!” I personally think it is fine to have things delivered, whether you have kids or not, and I also think it is ok if you don’t want to buy all of your clothes used. I don’t have kids, though, so I might be stepping out of my lane here, but please…do what makes sense for you. I won’t judge. I don’t even think the OP will judge–she was just looking for help with her own personal situation. She didn’t really mention if she had kids or not, so I am guessing that she just has a problem that she is trying to solve.
Julia
Ha, I was literally just looking at a really cute lunch bag that was an Amazon Lightning Deal for $7 and didn’t get it because the ugly free resort tote bag that I’ve been using works just fine. Love this example.
Anon
I live in a town adjacent to a small city, so I buy a lot of things (bundled into as few shipments as possible) off Amazon. The alternative is a lot of little side trips to different stores all over the place, which isn’t exactly environmentally friendly. Some of it is simply unavailable unless I drive at least 75 miles each way into the bigger city.
When I lived in the suburbs near Boston, I had very little need to buy things off Amazon – mostly just presents for people, which are getting shipped no matter what.
Anony
Ditto. I’m 45 minutes from the nearest ‘mall’. I literally have a Target, Walmart, TJ Maxx, Dick’s Sporting Goods, and some Dollar stores. I basically live my life online shopping because if I didn’t, I’d have no shoes on my feet or clothes on my back (at least none that fit correctly since I’m 5’10, 130 lbs. – no one carries talls or longs in store). I mostly use Amazon, ThredUp for clothes, DSW for shoes, and Target either pick up in store, ship to store, or regular ship.
anonshmanon
Looking at my account, it looks like I’ve ordered five items this year from Amazon. Two were gifts that I tried getting somewhere else but couldn’t find those specific items. The other three were also very specific versions of an item (like an unusual size of lightbulb, or phone accessory fitting my non-iPhone), which I tried finding elsewhere first. I don’t use next day shipping, and often even pay for shipping instead of adding some cheap item to my cart to get me over the free shipping limit. I usually check other stores first, especially ones that can tell you whether the item is available in the nearby store. I also use Craigslist and Goodwill a lot but I don’t have any kids and a slow time at work, I completely acknowledge that not everyone is in a phase of life to invest that kind of time.
Julia
I’ve placed 208 orders so far in 2019. That’s orders, mind you, typically with multiple items per order. Eeek.
anon
I buy a very large number of things at Amazon – I work long hours and on top of my job, have a side hustle as a freelance writer, take a night class, and am a highly competitive amateur athlete, so I don’t have a ton of disposable time. The time I do have, I just don’t want to spend driving around from store to store finding things. My recent purchases include nonperishable grocery items (my closest grocery store is a Whole Foods, which doesn’t carry a lot of these items unless I buy super fancy versions), office supplies (no place within 25 minutes to buy these), prenatal vitamins (a specific carefully researched brand not carried in my town), a spice grinder (no place within 25 minutes to buy this), some used books (no used bookstores within 45 minutes of my house).
If I lived somewhere in closer proximity to big box stores, I might shop bricks and mortar more often, but I live in a dense urban center and the physical locations to buy this stuff are all scattered 25-45 minutes apart (maybe more in traffic). There’s a Target near me but it’s a weird mini-Target for students that carries a super limited array of stuff (so it might have some office supplies but not everything that I need) – the closest “real” Target, Wal-Mart, Costco, etc. isn’t close to me – and they’re not close to each other.
Anonymous
Your choices are not Amazon online or brick and mortar stores. You can buy almost everything you mentionned online from Target, Costco, or Walmart. Still not great on the environmental front but at least better on the non-awful labor practices front.
Anon
I feel like a lot of people on this thread just want to critique other people’s lifestyle choices. I said above that I do a fair amount of shopping online, mostly for kid things at Target, and people are criticizing me for not buying used clothes because that’s better for the environment, so it seems like it’s hard to win with some of the commenters here today. Let’s trust people to make their own choices about what works for them and their lifestyle. Most people are making some choices that are good for the environment and some choices that aren’t as good. I shop online quite a bit, but my family is small (one child) and I don’t eat meat. Other people have bigger families but are more diligent about buying things used. I think very few of us are perfect and we’re mostly trying to do some good in ways that work for us.
annon
I am really tired of these “be more green” threads in general and think I will just skip these from now on. There are some eco-justice warriors posting here who have decided this is their space to be nasty and judgemental to people who make any lifestyle choices they don’t deem acceptable to them. It’s boring, it’s repetitive and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I appreciate some of the tips I’ve picked up but watching women tear each other’s microdecisions to pieces and make judgements about someone’s character based on whether or not they reuse their plastic bags has gotten pretty sad, and pretty tiresome.
Anon
Are there no non-big box stores where you live? My neighborhood in a major city has several commercial strips with a combo of chain stores and small businesses (1/3 of which are nail salons but still). I’ve always appreciated this, but is it really that rare?
anon
There actually aren’t really small businesses at all in my neighborhood or within an easy drive – it’s bars/restaurants, CVS, and a very small Ace Hardware. I was super excited when the CVS and the Ace Hardware came in bc it did mean that I could buy some stuff without having it shipped but it doesn’t always work bc their inventory is narrow.
Anon
I’m sorry, anon @ 12:27! That sucks. I will be more appreciative of my good luck to have so many non-chain stores within easy reach. Of course there are times when their inventory doesn’t have what I need and I end up ordering online, but it’s more the exception rather than the rule.
Anon
Yeah, I live in center city and aside from the city targets, there are no big box stores.
Big box stores are mostly in the burbs, and a few in the far away very suburban feeling parts of the city.
My area is a ton of bars/restaurants and smaller stores, as well as clothing stores on one street. Everything else is outside of the downtown
Anon
I’m with you. I am not going to spend all my free time driving around (or wandering around a store) looking for stuff.
anon
I use Amazon pretty frequently. Looking through my order history, in the last 6 months, I’ve purchased a family puzzle and sorting trays, lithium batteries, kids’ shoelaces, printer ink, mattress protectors, an olive oil bottle, tinkle razors, kids’ socks with non-skid things on the bottom, a thing to organize kid’s art supplies, a desk lamp, hand soap, a pair of shoes for me, and a few gifts for kids’ birthday parties.
The list doesn’t seem extravagant to me. Most of these items (or similar items) are available at local stores, but it would require trips to a lot of different stores, and there would probably be less selection at any particular store.
Anonymous
Disagree. You could get all these at one or two different stores. Or a couple trips to the mall or you could order some online from other than Amazon and do one or two trips to a store.
Julia
This is baffling to me. This person should spend hours of her life running in and out of a mall rather than having a package show up at her door… why?
Anonymous
I use Costco a lot, online mostly but occasionally in person. Buying in bulk (e.g. larger pack of multivitamins) also reduces packaging so less environmental impact that way. Plus they treat their employees well.
Anonymous
We get groceries almost exclusively through Costco (either Instacart or 2-day delivery) and it’s amazing how much it cuts down on packaging waste, and how much of their packaging is recyclable.
Julia
Honestly, I recently went through an exercise where I clicked back through my ENTIRE Amazon order history — for the last 8 years. I set eyes on every item that I’ve ordered from Amazon over that time. Needless to say, there are hundreds.
It was really eye-opening to see how many of those things never got used, were not actually enjoyed by my kids, and are just cluttering up my home. It put things into perspective and now before I order, I think about that eight years’ worth of orders and consider whether this new item really needs to be added.
And yes, just buy less crap in general.
Anonymous
This. Before I buy online I try to ask myself, if I could only buy this instore, would I make the time to go to the store? If the answer is no, then 90% of the time I don’t need it and it will just be clutter.
Monday
When I stopped having Prime, my purchasing went WAY down and became more discriminate.
ha no
+1 – this worked for me too.
Anonanonanon
Not amazon-specific, but I unsaved my credit card information from my browser, and got a new card with a number I haven’t let myself memorize. It has cut down on my shopping immensely now that I can’t just lay in bed and shop before falling asleep.
Lilac
I’ve mostly just stopped buying stuff, if you look critically at your Amazon purchases you probably don’t need 90% of it.
Anon
There are two distinct camps of people: those who use Amazon Prime like Target (wander through and get a lot of stuff they don’t really need), and those who buy things off there that they would buy elsewhere, and use it to save the long drive or expense.
Anon
I’m in the second camp with no immediate plans to give it up. We are always talking around here about ways to streamline our lives. I work full time, have kids, and travel a lot.
If I need facial cleaner and shampoo and a sports bra and windex and filters for the roomba, I’m going to order from amazon rather than trying to fit in trips to one or two stores for all of that. Not even sure I could find the roomba stuff at a store.
I try to cut down on shipping by using prime day, but that’s as much as I’m willing to give right now.
Anon
Sports bra and filters for the roomba – sure, that depends on what stores are available in your area. But Facial cleaner, shampoo and windex are at every single drug store, and many grocery stores, and I have a hard time believing that you really can’t manage to stop by one occasionally. I manage to get stuff like that in 1-2 stops at a drug store a month. I keep a list (usually mental, sometimes I write it down) of stuff I’m running low on, and next time I’m near a drug store with a few minutes to spare, I pop in and grab the 3 things I need. I’ve never run out of shampoo yet. I’m a single parent with a demanding full-time job, and I often pop in to the drug store on the way to a play date or the library with my kid.
Anonymous
I support you! I am the same way–sometimes ease wins out.
Anonymous
It’s not a matter of sacrifices it’s a matter of living in accordance with your values. It’s fine to not care about the environment but pretending you do and that it’s just ‘too hard’ to quit Amazon is BS.
Anon
Telling us to quit Amazon because you can’t use it responsibly, or looking for fault in how we use Amazon, is a lot like an alcoholic telling other people to quit drinking because she assumes that everyone must have the same problematic, dysfunctional relationship with alcohol that she does.
Julia
“It’s fine to not care about the environment but pretending you do and that it’s just ‘too hard’ to quit Amazon is BS.”
I definitely don’t care enough about the environment to (1) go without things my family needs (2) spend hours of my life physically driving to and shopping at a store that I could spend doing basically anything else. YMMV! Some people are looking for ways to fill their time, and that’s fine too.
HFB
My strategy gas been mostly to cut down dramatically on my idea of what stuff I I “need” and make do/go without. If it’s not worth it to me to make a special trip to go to a physical store and get the item then I can just live without. Once you commit to that mindset it gets easier and easier to get by with less.
Anon
Literally everyone on my street gets groceries delivered from Amazon and lots of Amazon packages. The Amazon truck really just goes down the street and stops at every house. My shopping at Amazon does not increase emissions, etc. (especially if I have everything delivered on one day). The truck is already driving by my house.
I do get the questionable business practices argument, but Target’s website is clunky, hard to search, and they do not have everything.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s about the truck so much, but more that your purchases are flown all over from different warehouses and that wouldn’t be the case if you weren’t purchasing them. I don’t find Target’s website clunky or hard to search at all, and I like that I know that everything is sold by Target (and can be returned in person to Target) not a third party that I have no information about.
Anonymous
+1 million.
All the ppl complaining they have to shop Amazon because they don’t have time? Amazon is a nightmare of cheaply produced cr@p. Who has time to wade through different sellers It’s like an online flea market. You’re saving yourself neither time nor money by shopping there.
I have three kids, a dog, a cat, live in a small city in the middle of nowhere and do just fine without Amazon. It’s not necessary.
Anon
We’re not obligated to live our lives like you do.
Batgirl
I also love how all of the posters who clearly order clothes online all day, every day, are suddenly environmental warriors (and frugal minimalists?) for not shopping on Amazon! I order stuff on Amazon about as frequently as most people on this s1te seem to order from Nordstrom or the like. I’m all for reducing our footprint, but the faux outrage and judginess of these posts are too much for me.
Anonymous
Right. I hope the same people ranting and raving about people buying from Amazon are not also the same people who engage in the threads debating the different advantages of different Louis Vuitton (or other $1,000+) bags. If that is you, man, you have some issues.
I had a thought reading through these posts, that maybe this is not the blog/community for people who are triggered by other people shopping. Because at the core, this is a shopping blog. We talk about shopping here. I’ve been reading since 2011 and a core focus of the blog has always been shopping and where to find products. The folks here who apparently can’t stand it that A. people shop for anything new, ever and B. that people here shop at places they don’t deem morally acceptable might be happier finding another community to post in, especially about environmental topics.
Anon
Amen
Anonymous
Eyeroll.
I buy new clothes every season. I shop online regularly but I don’t need new stuff every week. I shop at Amazon never because it is a garbage retailer both environmentally and ethically.
Sick of the Amazon lovers who are outraged that anyone dare suggest that Amazon is unnecessary. Maybe y’all should go find an Amazon fans website to hang out on and let us discuss places to shop in peace.
Anon
But most of us aren’t “ordering clothes online every day.” Sure, some people come to talk fashion, but most people seem to be here for the comments section, which covers all kinds of stuff. It’s not just a shopping blog and I don’t think people are here for the content (or if they are, they barely comment on it).
Anon
Yes. I buy 5-10 items of clothing a year, mostly in person, and I still read here daily.
TrixieRuby
Sigh, I know Jeff Bezos is a considered a jerk, but, can I just say that Amazon is amazing? The customer service and delivery system are extraordinary. Amazon delivers on time 99% of the time. The email updates are spot on, and the return systems are customer friendly. Two days! Overnight! Right now I am waiting for a delivery from the Gap that I placed 10 days ago–I opted for standard shipping. Really, Gap? What is with 10 days? I hate driving around for errands, which I do in my urban area, and I try to spread around the love to Walmart and to Target, but no one can touch Amazon.
BiggestBallsintheRoom
So I tried Rothys and while they were super comfortable, I’m just not a fan of a completely flat shoe. Is there something similar that has a little bit of a sole? Maybe a wedge version?
Lined pants?
Where can you find fully lined trousers these days?? I am wearing wool pants from Ann Taylor today (brrr!) that are fully lined but they are many years old now.
Go for it
Chadwick’s
Limited styles
Anonymous
Banana wool pants are lined (but not my washable wool ones).
Often: Talbots wool pants
ElisaR
today i’m wearing the Edie pants from j. crew
In-House in Houston
Is the Chadwick’s catalog still in business? I haven’t thought about them in 20+ years.
question about student loans
I recently married and my husband has student loans and is on PAYE income based repayment. We file taxes separately and are not fully combining finances (have a prenup). With PAYE my income is not factored into his payments due to the separate tax filings. However, I’m still required to co-sign his repayment form, provide my own income information, and register with the Dept of Ed to get an FSA ID to do all this.
Obviously there’s no way around this but on principle I’m really opposed to the idea both that the gov’t is not only getting visibility into my finances in relation to my husband’s loans (yes yes I know the IRS sees this…but do we really think different groups in the gov’t speak to each other?) but also effectively overriding our financial separation. It would make sense if we filed taxes together or he was on a plan that took into consideration family size, but he’s not. I can’t find any good answers online explaining this – does anyone here know why this is all required? Clearly this is just a curiosity question, not one that actually changes what I’m going to do here… but maybe you guys can help me be less annoyed about it :)
Anonymous
ya because you got married. You’re legally bound. Count your blessings that your income won’t be included in the amount and get over it.
Anonymous
+1. This is what happens when people get legally married. Information gets shared because what you do affects him legally, and vice-versa. Especially if you are in a community property state. If you didn’t want to deal with this – and it sounds like you don’t – you should have done a cohabitation agreement and stayed unmarried.
Anon
+1 If you’re so vehemently against being viewed as one unit, maybe marriage was not the best idea.
Anonymous
IDK the answer but our company’s lease is guaranteed by company owners and due to how entireties property laws work also guaranteed by the spouses even if they are not owners. That would burn me up and is a bad surprise to new spouses: congrats and now you need to guarantee the lease.
Comm'l Real Estate Person
Apples and oranges. This is not a given.
Many parent co’s don’t sign on the dotted line for the lease and are not liable for the rent. Your company either had a bad landlord leasing rep or your landlord strong armed and said this is the only way we’ll sign a lease with you because we want the credit/financial support of your parent company. Or, someone just didn’t know to push back during lease negotiations.
Anonymous
Probably gets around sheltering assets from creditors b/c of tenants by entireties since you are married? And it is on a form — you can fight city hall but it is hard to fight a form.
anon
It’s not overriding your financial separation though– your income isn’t being considered. Yes it feels like an unnecessary invasion that they now have access to info but it doesn’t really have any impact on your finances.
I agree that you should just count your blessings. Your husband gets to continue making smaller payments while living a nicer lifestyle than he otherwise would with your dual incomes. You are not being required to contribute to his loans.
HFB
My guess is they are gathering statistics to see how many people on PAYE and similar programs have high-earning spouses, so they can revise policy and eliminate the option in the future to avoid having your spouse contribute.
Anon
Yes, this.
If one spouse is earning $50k a year and the other is earning $200k a year, that will influence how willing the government is to not factor in the other spouse’s income. (My guess is that a small number of people with a high income differential will cause the government to change the entire system.)
Anon
I don’t think it is actually required. It is requested. I never provide my husband’s info and say that it isn’t available to me (we don’t share). I’m on IBR.
anon
when my loans were with Navient they still made my husband log in and upload his tax info, it didn’t effect my payment amount under IBR because we filed separately. I called to argue about it and the answer was basically that it was a glitch in the system. Maybe it was a Navient issue. I re-financed to a private lender and we file joint now. So maybe it’s changed.
Anonymous
Sorry, I dont feel sorry for you. Your post actually annoys me. Why should your husband get favorable treatment for his low income while living a higher lifestyle due to your high income?
Anonymous
Sometimes my husband gets a case of the grumps and can’t shake it. When I ask what’s going on, he says “nothing” or that he’s fine, but I know he went from dancing while making dinner to one-word answers. Then the grumpiness is contagious because I am upset he can’t tell me what he’s so pissed off about. I know that spouses are allowed to be in bad moods, but I need advice about how to take it less personally. I can usually figure out what the trigger was after a couple of hours (example: he asked me if he needed suit for X event, I said yes, and that reminded him that none of his suits fit because of weight gain, which he is upset about), but I don’t feel like I should have to. I know we have work to do together around this, but in the short term, is there a way for me to not let it affect me as much?
Anonymous
Yeah ignore it and go do something else. Him being grumpy isn’t something you did and it’s not something he’s asking you to fix. Watch TV. Take a bath. Chat to a friend.
Anon
I have learned to ignore my husband when he’s grumpy for no reason or complaining for the millionth time about stupid work stuff (a coworker who talks too much, for example.) He just wants to bitch and moan and I can’t fix anything so a well placed mm-hmm while I’m thinking my own thoughts seems to work.
That may seem a bit unfeeling but we have been married for 20 years and this is one of the things that makes it work.
Anony
I do this to my husband often – I try not to but it happens. When I am grumpy, it’s usually because a) I’m overstimulated; had a long day at work; were around other grumpy people – it comes with being an empath/highly sensitive person… b) I have a problem that my sub-conscious is grappling with and that I don’t want to speak aloud about OR I already vented and now am considering how I move forward (and don’t want to talk about it anymore). The best thing for my husband to do when I’m like that is just leave me along and give me some solitude and space, like literally leave the house for a few hours so I’m totally alone. I’m a brand new person when he returns. So maybe try that, if you can? He’s grumpy, doesn’t want to talk about it so take off for a few hours – then you won’t have to be around his bad mood and can go do something you enjoy without him.
Original Moonstone
This is exactly how I feel. You articulated it better than I could.
Anony
The struggle is real. It’s hard to be with people or work with people that don’t understand how emotionally, physically, mentally exhausting just their auras are and that when it comes to the point of over-stimulation, the only way to relax and un-grumpy oneself is solitary time. My husband still grapples with understanding my need for “solitary confinement” as I call it. The books “The Highly Sensitive Person” and “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love” by Elaine Aron have really helped me understand myself and him understand where I’m coming from. If only I had realized these things about myself back in high school, college and early 20s, life would have been much easier.
Anon.
When my husband is inexplicably grumpy, we have developed a routine. I will ask what’s up – he’ll say nothing. I’ll say something like “ok you’re just in a bad mood, please confirm it’s not me.” He confirms (often lovingly, sometimes apologetically) not you. That allows me to let it go and usually just to leave him alone while he processes whatever is irritating/stressing him (usually work). If it is me, that conversation is usually enough to open a dialogue that either results in apology, action or (very rarely) a bigger fight because something is actually wrong that we need to hash out.
Not sure that it is super healthy but works for us.
Anon
I think that is healthy. If you live with someone they owe you decency and consideration but they shouldn’t be expected to be “up” all the time as if they were performing for your entertainment. That would be the marriage equivalent of those random dudes who are always telling us to smile.
Go for it
+1 for communication…..because otherwise it smacks of the silent treatment.
Anonymous
I think that’s great and something I will ask my husband to start doing also. I always worry when he’s upset that it’s about me, but it rarely is.
OP – What works for me when my husband is grumpy is giving him space. He is not a “let me talk through what’s bothering me” person in the moment when something is bothering him – I will hear about it a few days later, after he’s had time to process it. I’m more of a talker, but there are some times (I think we all have them) when I’m stewing about something he can’t really help me with (or it’s something about work I don’t want to try to explain) and I just want to be grumpy about it for awhile before I shake it off and move on. In those moments, I don’t want someone trying to pry me open like a tin can. Just let me think it through and process my feelings and I’ll talk about it when I’m ready.
I think the above comment – about “please confirm this isn’t about me” – is a great way for you to get peace of mind while giving him space.
anon
How long does it last?
DH gets super frustrated sometimes at his work and when we sit in the same room he sometimes curses at the computer, exuding rage that used to make me quite uncomfortable. Obviously, this has nothing to do with me and isn’t directed at me and no response from me is expected, but it still affects me. So I usually roll my eyes at how worked up one can get at a machine, and go to another room. I remove myself physically and mentally. That really helps me to not feel like the aggression was somehow directed at me. His frustration is usually over in a few hours.
Cb
Oh I’m the grumpy one in my relationship. Honestly, I just want to be left alone. I often don’t know what I’m upset about or processing. Working on asking for space rather than snipping at my husband.
Anon
If you had $4mm in mostly pre tax retirement savings and could retire anywhere in the US, where would you do it?
nuqotw
Rural New England. I grew up in Western Massachusetts, but maybe I’d go further north. I’d want to be in a place where the only lights I could see at night were the moon and stars.
Ms B
I have dreams of retiring to be a librarian somewhere in Maine. There is no world where The Hubs will go for that (the thought of that much winter weirds him out), but this is my dream.
Anony
It was 12 degrees and windy when I got up this morning. Maine is beautiful from like May to October but the in-between months make me hate this place (and I grew up here). However, it makes me appreciate the warmer weather and nice days MUCH more.
Anon
To be fair, it was 12 “feels like” -2 in my part of the Midwest this morning, and we’re generally a lot warmer than Maine. It’s an arctic blast right now!
Anon
Napa Valley. No snow and ice, great food and drink, relatively affordable cost of living, and much less isolated than Hawaii.
Anon
Lol except for that “affordable” cost of living part – although property values may plummet due to wildfires.
Anon
Lol? I own property there. Housing prices (even pre-wildfires) are significantly cheaper in Napa (the region, not the city) than in most major US cities. It’s not particularly affordable if you’re coming from a small city or rural area in the Midwest/Southeast. That’s why I said “relatively.”
Housecounsel
Yountville or St. Helena, California.
C2
Similar, but potentially Willamette Valley where things are a little more slow and farm-y. Possibly Sonoma County, but out in a smaller town.
Amy H.
Since it’s pre-tax retirement savings in the hypo, keep in mind California will impose the highest state income tax in the nation on all of that. Our max rate is currently 13.3%.
Anon
Somewhere in the woods near the intersection of GA, NC and Tennessee. Murphy? Hiawassee?
Anon
As someone born in Andrews, this is making me smile!
I could never live in western NC or north GA because I need/want more access to shopping and entertainment, but Asheville or Knoxville for me!
GBO
Love love love Knoxville and East Tennessee.
I would retire to Chattanooga.
ADB_BWG
Made my first trip to Chattanooga last month and loved it! It’s definitely on my short-list (seasons, not New England cold), University, healthcare, airport, major highways, arts and nature). And the Naughty Cat Cafe (cat rescue). If I lived in Chattanooga I would join the “Heavy Petter” club!
Anon
Ah, see, I’m not much of a shopper and the woods are all the entertainment I need. Chattanooga is nice, though.
Anonymous
Someplace where I could get a smallish house on one floor with good medical care within 5 miles of me. Probably large SEUS or Arizona city. Prefer low taxes. Will spend summers maybe further north.
Anon
I’m OP. Taxes are definitely a consideration. That’s why I mentioned pre-tax. We live in the Bay Area currently, just think we could live a lot more comfortably somewhere cheaper, and state income tax makes a big difference.
Anonymous
Hell — if you’re in the Bay Area there are maybe 5 more expensive places in the whole entire world. What weather do you like? You can find a less expensive place with it without trying too hard.
anon.
Sedona or Santa Fe. Somewhere with mountains.
pugsnbourbon
Florida Space Coast. Will there be hurricanes? Yes. Is climate change going to completely screw me over? Also yes. But I think if I can watch the sunrise over the Atlantic and then go to Publix I will be happy. I’m a simple girl.
Neighbor
And watch rockets/shuttles take off from the beach- simply amazing. No state tax. LCOL. Lovely winters.
Anonymous
The Pines in Davidson, NC.
anon
LOL my great aunt lived there for a few years but haaaated the other residents.
Vicky Austin
Anywhere rural with four seasons.
Anon
Ha, I have the opposite take. Literally anywhere without winter and close to all the services I need so I can continue safely living alone when I can’t drive. My 60-something mom just fell on ice and broke her wrist and I’m seeing how much even a minor injury is really messing up life for an otherwise active and independent person who isn’t even that elderly. If she’d broken her hip it would have been even worse.
Anonymous
Somewhere on the Southeast coast. Not directly beachfront property, but close enough to the beach it would be a short bike ride/drive to go walk on the beach every day (as wonderful as beachfront would be, I feel like even a few blocks back from the beach makes a big difference on hurricane destruction, particularly if you’re on a beach with a good dune system). And not the built up part of Florida with high rises on the beach, but either the Georgia/South Carolina barrier islands or the parts of Florida that are still kind of quiet (they exist).
Senior Attorney
I’d stay here in So Cal where my home, friends, and son are.
Anonome
A house on the coast, near the redwoods.
Anonymous
Near my kid, if she’s cool with it and is relatively settled (I don’t want to be moving around a lot in retirement). Otherwise I’ll probably just stay where I am but do a lot of extended traveling to escape winter.
Anon
Where I’m from, because it’s where my friends and family all are.
Monday
Seeking advice on how to support a friend. Be aware this will involve relationship abuse.
An old, close friend of mine caught her boyfriend in bed with someone else last weekend. She found out that this had been going on for months, and the two of them left her apartment laughing. I had known he was an alcoholic and had cheated in the past, but this was news to both of us. My friend also just revealed to me that he’s “totally abusive” including physically, and she is done covering for him. I had no idea about that part.
They had been living together for years, but have separate finances and no kids. She is afraid to do anything that might set him off, like get a protective order, and is also afraid he might steal or damage her belongings or pets while she isn’t home. She can’t afford their apartment on her own, so in the long run she also needs a roommate or to move. She has a supportive family, but they are not nearby enough for her to move in with them due to her job.
Here’s what I have done so far:
-Offered for her to stay with me for a while
-Offered to do something with her this weekend
-Told her about local DV resources
-Confirmed that to her knowledge he does not have access to g ns
-Expressed that I am proud of her and here for her
-Asked what I can do to help.
What else can I do? I feel at a loss and of course afraid for her. Thanks.
Anonymous
That’s all
Carrots
Do you have some space at your place that she can start storing some items? That way, when she finally does make the official break, she doesn’t have as much to pack up in the moment.
If you aren’t able to host her pet, can you help her find some boarding locations that could work so she doesn’t have to worry about leaving her pet behind?
Z
Maybe help pay for a storage unit if you don’t have space for her larger stuff?
Anon
Since you’ve already talked to her about local DV resources this may already be accomplished, but a lot of women don’t know that those resources are able to help them make a plan to leave that will keep them and pets safe. They are very good at this, and will have someone who can talk her through it all – determine when is the best moment to leave, how to get out with pets / belongings while the abuser is at work, etc. They will make a timeline and develop an emergency backup plan with her for what to do if he comes home, etc. I would strongly encourage her to look into this, because getting out is the most dangerous time for a woman in that situation – the abuser realizes that he is about to lose all control over her, and that’s the moment when DV is most likely to result in death or serious injury. They can also give her tips that she might not naturally think of, for example, pack her clothes dirty because doing more laundry than usual could tip off the abuser. Another point to emphasize is that DV resources are accustomed to helping women from all different circumstances, including professional women – so she shouldn’t feel embarrassed or awkward about asking for help.
Vicky Austin
You sound like a great friend. I think you’ve done all the right things until something else comes up.
Ellen
Yes, this is a very bad situation. Dad says you may want to get a protective order so that you can keep him away while you get your stuff out of the apartment. If he is paying for the apartment, fine, but if not, tell the landlord that you must move out under penalty of law, so he can void your lease. You should not initiate any more contact with your boyfriend, even if you sometimes feel lonely, just forget about him.
Anonymous
Encourage her to start moving her things into a storage facility without his knowledge. Help her is she wants help, but she may prefer to do it alone.
Start with sentimental items and anything which he is likely to damage in a rage. Move as many things as possible without his knowledge. This has three important impacts: it protects her property, it gives her an action item to focus on, and it will make that space feel less like “home”.
ceej
I would encourage her to change online passwords and possibly computer/ phone passwords and /or prevent saving passwords on her devices. She wouldn’t want him to have access to her e-mails, text messages, online banking, social media, etc. If possible, add the text verification option. As said above though, if he has access, this could be a trigger for him, so she may want to do it only immediately when she’s out.
As she starts moving stuff into storage or to your place, I’d start with identity or difficult to replace documents (birth certificate, passport, SS card, health insurance cards). There are sentimental things that can’t be replaced like photos or gifts. But trying to get a lease, move, change banks, or keep paying bills without those types of documents can be very difficult and expensive. If that is impossible, she should take pictures/scans and put those things in the “cloud” so she has a copy if she loses access to the documents for a while.
Anonymous
Keep in mind that after all of this work, she may indeed go back. It will be frustrating, but be patient and stay in her life. Ending this toxicity often takes several tries before it finally happens. Keep reminding her that she is doing the right thing for herself and pet (when hit with an attack to your self esteem, sometimes it’s the protection of someone or something else that will be the motivation for better). Keep being there for her.
cat socks
I’m participating in a Secret Santa gift exchange where I don’t know the person who is receiving my gifts. I checked her Facebook feed but didn’t find much. I was thinking of a pair of comfy socks, maybe some holiday dish towels. Not sure what else – a candle or something from Bath and Body Works? I’m planning on getting gift receipts. What would you like to get?
Irish Midori
There’s a cute little local art store in my town that is my go-to for gifts for people I don’t know well. Recent things I’ve picked up were: pretty notecards with prints from local artists, fancy soap with a hand-made ceramic soap dish, hand-made ceramic sponge holder, earrings/necklace from local artist, divinely scented candle that doubles as lotion when the wax melts, and wine stopper. I would love to receive any of those things, and bonus that it’s something I wouldn’t usually get for myself as something I “need.”
Anonymous
Budget?
cat socks
The guidelines are to send a gift that is at least $10, but I’ll probably go up to $20-$25.
Anonymous
If you’re doing gift receipts I’d like one item from Nordstrom that I can easily return if I don’t like it.
anne-on
If you have one nearby this is what I like to use William Sonoma for – they’ll make a nice gift package of their dish towels and soap/lotion sets for you. Their classic towels are workhorses, as are their pot holders and most people could use a refresh.
Otherwise in the consumables category Penzey’s has amazing spice and hot cocoa sets this time of year! A set of flavored teas or chocolates are also easily consumed and/or re-gifted.
Ms B
I, for one, would love to get the Penzey’s cocoa set, a bag of fancy marshmallows, and those peppermint straws as a Secret Santa gift.
Annie
Sock are great! I don’t use bath and body works products so I’d skip that. Consumables are always a hit – socks and fancy chocolate?
Cat
Please choose a store where the recipient can select something totally different with a gift receipt — so I would avoid specialty stores like Bath & Body Works. Target? They have tasteful holiday items – maybe a boxwood wreath? Williams-Sonoma – holiday hand soap + towels? Holiday coasters or mugs + package of mulled wine spices (which I bet they have)? Nordstrom – hat & gloves?
cat socks
Thanks for all the great recommendations! I’ll avoid Bath & Body Works, but Target or Williams-Sonoma seem like good options.
Anon
Do you other people and their secret Santa exchange know her better? Personally I’d ask somebody who knows her better what she would like. But that’s largely because I hate having to return gifts and often never get around to it but just end up donating the thing to Goodwill.
Anon
I think this is the real answer.
Anonymous
Personally, I would prefer a neutral dish towel (or any other item) vs. holiday, so I could use it all year. Perhaps something red or green or both without a holiday theme would serve dual purposes. I like all of the ideas so far except B&BW items because I don’t support L Brands and because those scents can be very specific.
Anon
Find out if she drinks wine. If yes, a bottle of wine and a lotto ticket. No one needs more crap.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
+1. Fancy chocolates?
Telco Lady JD
Love this.
Julia
Even for us non-drinkers, a bottle of wine is fine because it can always be regifted and then I don’t have to spend my own money on it!
R
Any recs for hotels in LA? Going in a few weeks for a game at the USC Stadium, never been before! Not much into the outdoors but a fan of food and museums, do we need to rent a car or lyfts will be sufficient? Aware of the mess at the airport, hotel budget is around $300/night, I’m seeing hotels downtown like the Westin that are under $200 which would be amazing but not sure if that’s convenient. Near a metro line would be great. Apologies if this is a repeat, I searched but the last post I saw was a few years old. Please feel free to skip or let me know if I missed a more recent thread!
The original Scarlett
With the caveat that I don’t know where that stadium is, I like he Palihouse Hotel chain in LA and the Line in Koreatown for reasonable and cool hotels. Unless I’m going quickly for work and staying right where I’m going, I rent a car – LA is huge and I’d find getting around by Lyft and Uber too expensive to justify not just renting a car.
R
Thank you!!
Senior Attorney
Downtown is reasonably close to USC and the Westin is fine but I would stay at the Biltmore or Checkers. I’d rent a car, too, even though parking is going to be expensive and parking at the game is going to be a nightmare.
R
Thank you, SA!! So honored to have your advice :) :). I get anxious about driving/parking in new places where I don’t know where I’m going and wouldn’t mind paying a premium for lyfts but will reconsider. Was planning to metro to the game rather than park, but will look into options. Thank you again!!
Senior Attorney
Definitely avoid driving to the game if you can!! And Lyfts will be okay if you are staying reasonably close to downtown. If you’re planning to go way across town, e.g. to the beach, it’s better to get a car.
NYCer
You can very easily take the metro (or Lyft) to the Coliseum from downtown if you don’t want to drive to the game. But you should DEFINITELY rent a car if you want to do anything else in LA other than go to the game.
R
Thank you, both!
Anon
I agree with the other posters that you’ll probably otherwise want a rental car for your trip (unless you’re planning to only go to one or two places), but 100% take the train/metro to the game. The metro is easy w w w . lacoliseum . com / directions / (extra spaces hoping to avoid mod). Take the Expo line from downtown at 7th and Metro, its safe, especially on game days). Alternatively, catch it at any point along the Expo line: it goes straight across town to Santa Monica and most of the stations have parking spaces (but google first, because there may be a couple that don’t have parking). You can even stay in Santa Monica and take the train all the way there. It takes about 45 minutes-1hr to get across town, but it’ll take the same driving and parking, and way less stressful.
R
Thank you! This is really helpful.
Mm Lafleur
Has anyone ever had a problem with orders from MM LaFleur arriving with a strong chemical smell? It’s so strong that the clothes are unwearable as is.
Anonymous
Someone else posted about that here. In my most recent order, the strong smell came from the plastic bag that the items arrive in. I aired everything out overnight and by morning they were fine.
Anonymous
Those of you who love the Eileen Fisher slim crepe ankle pant, what do you wear in colder weather? I used to only wear dresses and skirts, but I fell in love with these pants this year. They’re so comfy, fit well, and they’re all I want to wear anymore, but now that the weather is getting colder I need something heavier weight and full length. So, for those of you who are fans of the slim crepe ankle pant, what do you wear when the weather gets cold?
lsw
Following because I would absolutely love to find exactly what you are describing.
Anon
I don’t have those but I have similar pants. I found booties that go inside the pants, and I wear uniqlo heattech leggings and socks under them. Most days, I go into the bathroom and take off the heattech leggings when I get to work. It’s an annoyance, but I stay warm on my commute. If your office isn’t overheated like mine, you might be able to just keep them on.
Anon
I wear them with booties and old fashioned knee high stockings. I know it sounds awful but it’s not so bad. I buy the compression type because they help me on airplanes, and seem to be longer than your typical l’eggs or whatever. Only a small slice of my leg shows when I’m wearing booties so the fact that it’s swathed in support hosiery doesn’t really register visually.
Also, my legs feel great when I wear compression socks.
Anon
Wear long underwear underneath?
Anon
+1000. That’s the obvious answer to this Minnesotan.
Agora
Have you tried the rag & bone Simone pant? They are heavier weight and a similar cut and full length. They’re also readily available on Poshmark / eBay for 1/3 of retail. I have a few pairs I wear about 3 days a week.
lsw
I’ve only seen the ankle pant version. Is there a longer one available? Like from past seasons or something?
Anna
Hobbs seizing?
I am a German size 36. I have a great blazer from Hobbs that fits. The label says it is a DE36/ ES 38 /UK 10. I was looking at a dress on ebay, the label says UK 10, EU 38. Does anyone know if a EU is a German or Spanish size? Is Hobbs consistent in sizing? Thanks a lot!
anon
not specifically familiar with Hobbs, but in general Spanish is closer to Italian sizing, i.e. much smaller. EU is pretty close to German sizing, ime.
Anna
Thank you!
NYC Girl
Hobbs is consistent with UK sizing, which in my experience runs slightly smaller than the equivalent US sizing. I wear a US 4/6 and am a solid UK 10 and EU 38. I own a lot of Hobbs and find there is consistency in sizing between items. Only caution I would say is that their jackets and pants are cut for mature women (aka they have wider cut arms, more room in hips/legs etc.) compared to Reiss for example which cuts their jackets/pants for younger woman (slimmer arms/slimmer hips). Love Hobbs! I have coats, dresses, skirts, sweaters. Beautifully made and most all of the dresses are lined.
Horse Crazy
Give me all your TV/movie/book/podcast recommendations! I’m having foot surgery in a month and will be stuck at home for a long time. I have Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime. What I like right now is below, but I’m open to anything.
TV: comedy, NCIS, Blue Bloods, Lucifer, cooking shows lol
Books: fantasy, political books, fiction or non – I’m about to start Sandra Day O’Connor’s biography. I also just read Catch and Kill (HOLY CRAP READ THAT BOOK, PEOPLE),
Podcasts: Pod Save America, Splendid Table, Harry Potter and the Sacred Text
Z
The Politician on Netflix was pretty fun and over-the-top. It’s only like 8 hour long episodes and really easy to binge.
Crooked Media that does Pod Save America has a new one called America Dissected about our health care system and systemic health problems in America. If you’re into Pod Save’s ideology you’ll probably like this one.
Anonymous
Ugh hated The Politician. So stupid and smug.
Z
I thought of it more like a soap opera – smug and ridiculous but aware of it.
lsw
TV: Derry Girls, Supernatural (if you like Lucifer – there are a million seasons but you can also just watch some of the classic one-off episodes), Brooklyn 99
Books: Have you read The Fifth Season/Broken Earth trilogy? Sci fi/fantasy, so great. My favorite books I’ve read recently are: Severance (by Ling Ma), Tana French Dublin Murder Squad series, My Sister the Serial Killer, All the Names They Used for God (short stories)
Anonymous
So I’ll be doing the same following surgery and am already planning to binge the Great British Baking Show (it looks so calming). Jack Ryan on Prime is pretty good (though a bit bloody for my taste). I’m following now for additional recs!
anonshmanon
I am hooked on the podcast Dolly Parton’s America right now. Entertaining, narrative biographical content with obviously a bit of country music sprinkled in.
Anon
Pods: Dolly Parton’s America is a pretty great podcast, I didn’t know if I’d like it but am hooked. My Dad Wrote A Porno.
TV: Outlander: extremely bingeable, you can also read the books, and listening to them on audio read by Davina Porter is particularly nice. If you haven’t read His Dark Materials book series, read it and start watching along with the HBO show. Also can do a book-show combo with A Discovery of Witches and the show is on Sundance. Also The Name of the Wind and other Kingkiller Chronicles books are amazing (but we are still waiting for the last one, be warned). Definitely watch all of the Great British Baking Show. I also loved Mindhunter.
Anon
I’ve really been enjoying Modern Love on Amazon prime.
Anon
I should add, this is amazon prime video, it’s a tv series (very well done though!)
NY CPA
Netflix: Madame Secretary, Great British Bake Off
Podcasts: Up First, The Allusionist (about words / the English language), Twenty Thousand Hertz (about sound), Milk Street Radio (about food/cooking)
Senior Attorney
Somebody just gave my husband the Milk Street cookbook — it looks amazing and we can’t wait to start cooking!!
Suburban
Someone here had recommended “heartland,” a memoir, and I’m glad I read it and would recommend it. Thank you!
I also like five thirty eight’s political podcast and I am a big PSA fan too. Also bon appetit’s food podcast is fun if you like cooking (or eating !)
Good luck with the surgery and recovery!
Housecounsel
Currently binging Succession. Also, if you haven’t read Margaret Atwood’s prequel/sequel to the Handmaid’s Tale, called The Testaments, it is riveting.
Anon
Ohh succession is so good that I wish I’d never seen it so that I could binge and experience it again.
Senior Attorney
We just binge-watched all 3-1/2 seasons of The Good Place and love it. Also +1 to Succession, for sure. Great British Baking sure, absolutely! I also like Samin Nosrat’s Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat on Netflix. And Chef is a great food-themed movie. Oh! And “Somm” about sommeliers-in-training.
I’ve recommended it on here before but Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel is a great book. I also just devoured the whole Chief Inspector Gamache mystery series by Louise Penny and loved them. Anything by Octavia Butler, starting with Kindred. And yes, OMG Catch and Kill just knocked my socks off!!
Podcast: Welcome to Nightvale. Weird AF but I love it. I also enjoy Decoder Ring.
Good luck and speedy recovery!
Mpls
Veronica Mars (Hulu)
Anything by Ilona Andrews (Urban fantasy)
Anon
Lovvve VMars!!!
anon
Succession! watching both seasons over again and LOVE it, also Big Little Lies and VEEP on HBO….on Amazon Prime TV – Mrs. Maisel, Goliath, Jack Ryan….you have to watch Mozart in the Jungle!! LOVED all of these
Horse Crazy
Thanks, all! I’m looking forward to checking all of these out.
Anon
My dad was “forced to retire” from his job last week – he was a financial advisor for a large wealth management firm. He is currently looking for another job at a different firm. I’m looking for advice on how to support him – he has depression and is an alcoholic, although he has stretches of sobriety, and I believe he is in one right now. I’m very worried that he will relapse into depression and drinking from the stress of losing his job. He does not take anti-depressants (don’t get me started), but he does go to AA. Any similar experiences or advice about how to support a parent going through something like this are welcome.
Original Moonstone
That sounds really tough. I read the book “Over 40 & You’re Hired” and appreciated how optimistic it is. He might need that kind of outlook right now. Also, since he’s comfortable with AA meetings, he might do well committing to a job-seekers group at a local library or church. where you meet weekly with a peer group and work on your resume and such. Specific to financial advising: that field is really changing right now so he may not the same kind of job.
Senior Attorney
Also Ask a Manager dot com is a great resource for job hunting.
anon
it also has a very nice, supportive commentariat that I would probably be more engaged in if I had a bunch of free time.
ceej
Offer to spend time with him, perhaps including going to AA (not sure if that is allowed?) Being unemployed means 40+ hours of time that used to be full are empty, and often when all of your friends are unavailable during those same hours. But bars are open, and people are in them. . .
If possible, I’d try to get him to come to lunch with you once a week, during the workweek. Gives him a reason to get dressed and out of the house and see someone. If you can do more, maybe dinner at your house another time? You can encourage him to go to lunch with other connections too. If he has other hobbies or social networks, now is the time to lean in to those: golf, 7 AM basketball, church, the gym, the car club, Kiwanas, Rotary, Lions, the “financial advisor club”, IDK.
Anon
Since your dad goes to AA, you may already know about Al Anon for you, but I wanted to mention it anyway because you said you’re very worried about him. I’m also an adult child of an alcoholic with depression (and anxiety disorder) and IMHO, you should attend some Al Anon meetings before you do anything to try to help your dad. Hugs and good luck.
Anonanonanon
AlAnon is amazing.
AnonPara
+1
LSC
Looking at relocating from a big city to a smaller area for a better quality of life. We care about lower cost of living, good public schools, and safety. We don’t need to live in a “cool” city, but appreciate some things to do or proximity to nature. A possibility has come up in Omaha. Can anyone give thoughts on what it would be like to live there with a young family?
OMA
There’s a lot to love but like anywhere, it’s far from perfect. It probably depends a lot on what you are used to – where are you moving from? Do you have any connection to the state and will you have family nearby?
Omaha’s vibe is very seasonal and neighborhood dependent, in my experience. We love the midtown neighborhoods. If you go further west it’s very typical suburban – great schools, brand new houses that all look the same, big box stores, etc.
Winters are rough. Housing values are very reasonable but property taxes are high. There is a large Catholic population – more Catholic schools than I’ve seen anywhere. In general it is a very family friendly city but it’s a mixed bag like anywhere.
Elle
Basically, all of this here.
Anon
I grew up in western Iowa, not too far from Omaha. It’s a nice city, with plenty to do (great zoo for kids) and some good public schools. Nature will probably feel a bit lacking unless you’re coming from elsewhere in the great plains. Nebraska is very flat, even compared to other parts of the Midwest. But overall it sounds like you would be happy there!
Anon
Have you looked at Kansas City? We visited recently and were really impressed.
anon
my best friend got that transferred there. she is not white and felt really out of place. she moved back east as soon as she could. if diversity is important to you…. it’s not the best place.
anon
It’s a very livable, family-friendly city. 11:35 is right that the vibe is highly dependent on the neighborhood. I wouldn’t hesitate to send a kid to public school there. There is enough nature if you’re willing to take a short drive to one of the nearby state parks for hiking. The sports scene is big in Nebraska in general, so keep in mind that it can suck up a lot of social energy. There’s plenty of good restaurants and things to do if you’re willing to leave the ‘burbs on the weekend!
Elle
Nebraska generally has low unemployment, so if Omaha is a consideration make sure you have jobs lined up rather than moving first (unless you have some sort of family connection or other reason that this may not be an issue).
Anon
I agree with the advice not too move without a job in general, but if an area has low unemployment, it’s easier to get a job there. If a city has high unemployment, it’s harder to find a job (lots of unemployed people working for jobs, not enough jobs for them).
Anon
Yes, I’m struggle to follow this comment. Low unemployment means jobs should be easier to get, right?
Preggo convo
Cross posting from the moms board.
I’m having a conversation with my boss about the fact that I’ll be giving birth 9 months into my new job. I’ve done research on what other firms offer, what the state laws allow, and found out there’s no policy in place for my firm.
According to CA law I’ll get 6 weeks and am not going to be eligible for any of the other leaves because I wouldn’t have been employed by this firm for a year. I think ideally I’d like 3 months off. I have 15 days of vacation saved up and we have about 5 sick days. I’m willing to use all those but would obviously like the firm to give me paid/partially paid leave beyond the 6 weeks so I can take off for 3 months.
The firm is good with benefits provided and I’m hoping will offer me something beyond the 6 week short term disability plus vacation time. It’s my first child and I am also planning to have a second child soon after the first so don’t want to take too long of a leave and return to work for a short time before I’m pregnant again.
Does anyone have tips or want to help me with a general outline of the conversation I should have? Any tips on whether the 3-day Thanksgiving week is a horrible time to have this conversation?
Anon
Is there no policy for parental leave at your firm, or no policy for parental leave in the first year?If there’s no policy at all, I feel like it’s highly unlikely you’re going to get paid leave if it’s not legally mandated. Although I’m all for asking for the moon, I would seriously think about what period of unpaid leave you would want to take is a back up ask
Blueberries
I would check with the state on pay for bonding leave, which runs after the 6 weeks of partial pay through the state for Pregnancy Disability Leave. Bonding leave was 6 weeks of partial pay as of a few years ago, but I think California is in the process of increasing the number of weeks of bonding leave. Either way, should get you to your desired 3 months of partial pay for leave (and if you use your vacation days to top up the state, should get you even closer to full pay).
One needs 12 months on the job for California Family Rights Act job protection post-Pregnancy Disability Leave. However, I think partial pay through the state may still available for bonding leave even if your employer isn’t obligated through CFRA to hold your job because you haven’t worked their long enough.
If you check with the state, would you please loop back to confirm how it works?
Also, fyi, as of a few years ago, PDL also provided for 4 weeks of partially paid PDL before the birth for healthy pregnancies. I haven’t heard of any changes, but your OB would probably know.
OP
Thank you for pointing out the bonding leave through the state.
The information is pretty buried but based on my research seems to be 4 weeks disability leave before birth, 6 weeks disability leave after birth, or 8 if you have a C-section, and 6 weeks paid family leave (aka bonding leave).
Anon
I wouldn’t mention the second child for sure!
Anon
Do they know you are pregnant? Or is this that conversation too? Hi, I’m pregnant, just started this job, what can you give me doesn’t seem like the best way to start a working relationship.
You had the opportunity to negotiate these types of things when you were offered the job (presumably a VERY short time ago).
I think you should suck up your circumstances for this child and look at negotiating on the second child after you have proven yourself.
ceej
I would WAIT a long time. Like, I would wait until you are at 5-6 months pregnant to discuss this, assuming you have already accepted the job and started, and assuming that you can hide the pregnancy that long.
The reasoning is that after 5-6 months you have integrated into your team, shown you are reliable, good, worth having around etc. They might want to keep you at that point. If you have this discussion now, they have 9 months to paper your file with non-pregnancy related reasons you aren’t satisfactory and try to put you in a worse negotiating position.
Anon
lol nobody can hide a pregnancy for 5-6 months and I think it’s much worse to be obviously super pregnant but not saying anything about it.
OP
I am about 4 months pregnant now and have shown I am a reliable team member thus far. I am down to about 3/4 outfits where I don’t show so want to have this conversation in the next week or two if possible. The conversation would include disclosing I’m pregnant as well as “asking for the moon”but accepting that I may just get 6 weeks off for short term disability.
The bonding leave also kicks in after a year with an employer so will not be able to use that this time around. The company has no written leave policy.
anon
I don’t recommend disclosing the pregnancy and making the ask for leave in the same conversation. You are unlikely to get a good reaction. Tell them you’re pregnant and say you’d like to set up time to discuss plans for your leave. Then you can both have an informed perspective when you discuss the leave issue.
CHS
Hate to pile on, but I might separate the conversations if you can. Share the news now/within the next week or two, but wait to discuss leave 2-3 months down the line when you have some more time there under your belt. In my experience employers don’t need to discuss the logistics/details until closer to the actual date.
Anon
Yes, separate the conversations. Disclose the pregnancy ASAP. Some people already know. You definitely think you’re hiding it better than you actually are (the general you, not OP specifically).
Anon
I see this advice (to wait to disclose a pregnancy) a lot and respectfully disagree. Waiting is virtually guaranteed to make your boss really, really annoyed. Add asking for accommodations they are not obligated to give you, and the annoyance increases exponentially.
They are only going to give you something they do not have to if they want to keep you as an employee. And that means telling them now that you are pregnant, that you realize the timing is not ideal, and asking if they might be willing to provide you with the standard maternity benefits despite not having been there a full year. If they stick to the 6 weeks, you might offer to stay until your delivery date (health allowing) if they will let you take the extra 4 weeks after the baby is born.
I work at a firm where they are actually pretty good about maternity leave – but I have seen someone wait to officially tell us she was pregnant until she was 6 months along (an no – she did not have a history of miscarriages as an excuse). It created havoc because she was staffed on cases that were scheduled for trial while she was going to be out or right after her return and it really put the rest of us in a bind. Needless to say, it did not make her any friends among either the partnership or the other associates, one of whom had to cancel a vacation. It would have been so much easier if she had just told us at 12 weeks.
Samantha
I agree with ceej. With a first child and a new employee, folks who don’t know you well can’t necessarily tell if you’re pregnant too early. Depending on your body type and season (winter = lots of loose cardigans and layers) it may be possible to hide it. It isn’t ideal, but I would try to create a good impression with a few months of hard work before asking for things (given an offer letter was just negotiated).
Hello Chicago!
Does everybody have her FLEECE TIGHTS on today?
NOLA
No, but I wish I were. Yesterday was the first day in a while that I was warm enough at work and I was wearing a light cashmere sweater with a jacket. Today I’m in a sweater dress with no jacket, tights and boots and I am definitely cold.
Nan
No but I need some! Best brand?
pugsnbourbon
Check out what TJMaxx/Marshall’s have. They have all kinds of brands and are at most $6 each.
Anonome
Yes! Mine are from Express. I plan to try a few other brands, as well.
Anon
My maternity fleece tights are coming in the mail tomorrow. :(
Anonanonanon
Yes but need new FLEECE TIGHTS let’s discuss
Columbus
Any recommendations for Columbus, OH? Will be there next weekend. Looking for best breweries, restaurants, things to do. Thanks!
Jules
Columbus is my hometown; I don’t live there now but I do get there fairly frequently. The Short North area (south of OSU, north of downtown) is great, lots of art galleries, nice shops, a mini-mall of little antique and vintage stores, lots of good restaurants. I’m biased because my sister is an exec at Cameron Mitchell Restaurants, but I can recommend all of their different restaurants there – Martini’s, Marcella’s, the Guild House, the Pearl among others. Table is also good, there are a ton of restaurants in that area. For a more casual spot (order at the counter), I love Northstar (which is super veg-friendly, if that matters to you), and you NEED to go to Jeni’s for ice cream.
You’ll miss the monthly gallery hop, but check here for other events: https://shortnorth.org/events/
The houses in Victorian Village are gorgeous, slightly less so but still cool in Italian Village. You might like to check out the restaurant/market/wine bar called The Market in Italian Village.
The North Market is at the south end of the Short North and is fantastic; although of course most of the farmers will be closing up shop by now, the food stalls and little shops are great.
I am not up on the breweries but there is an area south of downtown specifically known as the Brewery District and you can’t go wrong there, I think. It is adjacent to German Village, more cute shops, a great bookstore (the Book Loft) and some good restaurants including Lindy’s.
An old friend has a show currently at a gallery in the Short North, https://www.sharonweissgallery.com/. The Columbus Museum of Art was fairly recently renovated and expanded and is decent to very good, depending on what special exhibitions it has.If you like science museums, COSI is fantastic, with or without kids along.
Do check to see if there is an OSU home game that Saturday; if so, stay far away from campus and immediately surrounding roads and highways before and after the game, the traffic will be hellish.
pugsnbourbon
+1 to all of this.
RR
I live in Columbus, and +1 to all of this. Also, the Symphony is doing Chopin on Friday/Saturday if that’s something that interests you.
RR
Sorry, you said next weekend.
Anonymous
We really liked Platform Beer Co., Land Grant, and the BrewDog Taproom, all of which are relatively close to each other. I’d go to the Short North and eat Jeni’s and Nashville Hot Chicken and walk around. The 16-Bit Barcade and/or Pins Mechanical Company are fun, too!
cat socks
If you will be there the weekend of 11/23 there is a home game against Penn State, so definitely avoid the campus area on Saturday.
Lots of good recommendations above, but here are a couple more.
Watershed Distillery – you can take a tour if you want and the restaurant is really good and has great cocktails.
Harvest Pizzeria – there is a location in German Village and Dublin. Schmidt’s is also in German Village and the cream puffs are delicious!
It’s cold, but Graeter’s or Jeni’s for ice cream.
Cap City Diner is another great Cameron Mitchell restaurant.
Easton is an outdoor mall with lots of shopping and food. I had a great breakfast at Northstar Cafe and I’ve heard Pies & Pints is good.
Barley’s – it’s been a while since I’ve been there, but they have a pretty good beer selection.
RR
I totally forgot about Watershed Distillery, but big second to that. It has amazing food and the best cocktail menu in the city. I don’t know if I’d venture to Grandview on Saturday afternoon, but any other time would be great.
Anonymous
Gift ideas for our just-turned-12 year old mother’s helper/neighbor? Budget ~$50. Her mom specifically told me not to give her money (mom already thinks I pay her too much). I think I might be able to get away with a gift card if it’s very specific (not Amazon), but the idea is for the kids to give her a physical gift. She likes books, does diving and gymnastics, is crafty, has done and loved high end cooking camps, and she is amazing with my 3 little girls. She doesn’t strike me as super hip/trendy but more sporty and artsy. She has braces and a couple allergies so I’d prefer to stay away from food gifts. If I were a doting aunt I would get her tickets to a broadway play and she would go NUTS – but that’s just not the right kind of gift from us :).
What are your 12 year old kids liking these days? Other than to get away from their parents!
Anon
If I were that age with that kind of sporty personality, I’d like some kind of trendy workout gear (like a puffer jacket to wear to the pool before lessons or something). The catch is that you’d need to know what’s trendy among her friends.
Housecounsel
I have a 12-year-old daughter. She would also love trendy workout wear (Athleta Girl) or a Kendra Scott small pendant or stud earrings.
anon
Yes, Athleta Girl
Ms B
A fancy cooking gadget,like a Thermapen, and a either a comprehensive cookbook (maybe the new Joy of Cooking?) or a personalized apron might be appreciated if she is into cooking.
Original Moonstone
You mentioned Broadway. If she’s a Hamilton fan, there is a ton of merch on the official site — bookmarks, T-shirts, journals. Or something like that from another show she likes?
Anon
I have a 15 y.o. and she’s into making friendship bracelets out of embroidery thread and giving them away. Maybe there’s a kit for those?
ceej
I liked trendy craft kits at that age, and I’ve seen them from “American Girl” lately. There are also probably a ton of diving and gymnastics personalized gifts on Etsy or other sources. A hydroflask water bottle with a gymnast decal and her name? Or a gymnast-y saying? Or a diving-y saying? A duffel, tote, or gym bag with the same? I think it would be over $50, but I’d say a Cricut plus iron-on vinyl so she could make things like that herself would be good. Brush pens and a caligraphy practice book?
AFT
Craft supplies for her craft of choice – confirming that she can return to a store if she has teh item/doesn’t need it?
A nice copy of a book you think she’d like (e.g., illustrated Harry Potter)
Specialty cookbook (like cupcakes or something else that she’s shown interest in)
Swag/tshirt/chotchke related to her favorite musical
I think you have a lot to work with here, and it is nice that you know her so well!
Anonymous
Does anyone take the Ritual vitamins all over my social media feed? Or a similar vitamin? I take a CVS brand women’s multi, but it occasionally makes me burp or gives me reflux. I read that Ritual doesn’t, but its also $30/mo, which seems ridiculous for a vitamin.
Anon
I take a NatureMade women’s multi-vitamin. I’ve never had the issues you describe.
Anonymous
Note: my experience is with the prenatals, not a regular multi. I recently started taking Ritual (in my free month trial) and I like them, but I also didn’t have any issues with the NatureMade prenatal I was taking before. I also take mine at night.
Anon
I highly doubt there’s any difference between expensive Instagram vitamins and what you can get at the drug store. Just take it after you’ve eaten.
SF
i take ritual’s prenatal. it replaced three pills I was taking – prenatal, D3 and fish oil. I like the lemon taste and they’re very easy to swallow. I can share a $15 off deal (i get the same), if you post a burner email.
Anonymous
If you’ve ever looked at a “mommy” or “lifestyle” blogger’s Instagram and thought – wow, that looks so fun and so much easier than what I’m doing right now – read this: https://www.elle.com/life-love/a29438763/natalie-lovin-mommy-blog-influencer/
My one comment: It does not suck to be a woman. It does suck to be a woman who has quit her job and let her husband/partner pay all the bills, and then have to get a job with a 10-year resume gap when he decides he doesn’t want to do that any more. Don’t quit your jobs, ladies.
Anon
To be fair, a LOT of lifestyle/mommy/fashion influencers support their families. Even people with only 10-20k followers can earn more than many people working in office jobs, and people like Gal Meets Glam earn high six figures or even seven figures. It’s not a lifestyle I’d ever choose personally, even if I had the talent for it – the idea of always having to be “on” and perfectly put together sounds awful to me – but I think it’s kind of insulting to apply that influencer is synonymous with SAHM.
ElisaR
gal meets glam is an exception to the rule. I think the OP’s point is that aspiring mommy bloggers are most certainly NOT supporting their families. Sure, I can count on one hand a number that may be….. but the vast majority are in fact at home and not contributing financially to the household income.
Anon
Even if they support their families for a while, it’s not a career that one can have for thirty years. Newer, younger, and fresher lifestyle bloggers will crop up, and you’ll be left in the dust.
Anon
Gal Meets Glam is definitely one of the most successful and famous, but there are a lot of influencers out there earning healthy salaries. I’m in marketing and don’t work with influencers directly but have some familiarity with the industry. The general rule of thumb is $1 in income for each follower, so yes someone who had 50k+ followers like Hey Natalie Jean did at her peak could be earning $50k. I think the issue in Natalie’s case was more that she had actually stepped away from the bl*g and really become a SAHM before the divorce. This isn’t really about whether your work is influencing vs office work, it’s about stepping away from work, period.
Anon
Blogging is work, though. It’s running a creative business. That’s very different from being a true SAHM.
Anonymous
Yeah, I feel like this is the story of every stay at home mom who gets divorced. It is tough when your husband isn’t footing the bills. I don’t know what to say, other than to be careful when someone asks you to give up your job. It can seem tempting to stay at home with your kids and do crafts all day (or whatever these mommy bloggers do)–but you may come to regret that decision years later.
I didn’t find the article particularly insightful or her story to be unique or terrible. Just average. My only take-away is that work is important. As much as we hate it some times, and complain about it other times, it is nice to be able to work, in an office, or for a corporation, and have benefits and co-workers and skills that are being developed. And a safety net as well, to a degree, should anything catastrophic happen. Again, the lesson is…don’t give this all up because your husband asks you to stay at home with the kids, without really thinking through what you are giving up.
Senior Attorney
Amen. Sing it!
Monday
Gospel clap over here!
anon
I feel like in her particular case, though, it’s really hard to disregard the cultural programming in some communities around motherhood and work. It’s pretty clear from this article and other articles about her that she grew up in a community where there was no question but that a mother would quit her job, and if everyone you know does that, it’s hard to really understand what the downsides might be. I saw this with a friend who attended and was deeply involved with a very conservative evangelical church – both expressly and implicitly she got the message that working after motherhood means you are failing your kids (who will be “raised by someone else”), means your husband is a failure as a father and “head of the household,” and that you are denying your Biblically mandated role. I mean, I saw my friend break down in tears when she quit her job after her child was born – she didn’t really want to give it up, but she was made to feel so badly for “leaving her baby with strangers” every day.
Anon
There’s a lot of magical thinking in those cultures: if you marry the right person, do the right things, etc., then you don’t need to worry because “it will all work out.” Apparently, permanent disability, husband’s job loss, psychiatric disorders, alcoholism, cheating, abuse, etc., are things that only ever happen to other people.
Anon
Idk what the magical thinking is around cheating – accept it? Work through it? – but I can count on one hand the number of 50-something women I know who haven’t been cheated on. And even if they wanted to work it out, their husband usually didn’t. (The one exception was the husband who really wanted to stay married but also didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend.)
It’s the same in the traditional communities so the older generation who is pushing this idea has certainly seen what happens in their own age group.
Don’t quit your job for sure!!
Anon
The magical thinking is that cheating won’t happen, so you don’t need to have a backup plan in case it does. Just like job loss, permanent disability, etc., don’t happen to husbands.
In reality, it works out to “Keep your mouth shut and pretend it’s not happening.”
anon
Yeah, this often goes hand-in-glove with the idea that if you “save yourself” for marriage your marriage will magically fireproofed against cheating. We were definitely told that in the True Love Waits/I Kissed Dating Goodbye era.
Anon
Thanks for posting this. I’ve never really followed lifestyle bloggers, but I am divorced with a kid and I see echoes of my life in hers.
Anon
Not the financial part — my lifestyle took a hit but thankfully I have a career and am perfectly capable of supporting myself.
Ellen
Yes, I was going to save myself for marrage, but when it didnt happen in college, I decided that I did NOT want to miss out on the $ex, which my friends said was suposedly amazing. So my boyfreind, Alan, who I had been celabate with, said we shouldnt wait, and I beleived he would marry me, so I let him do stuff to me and he made me do stuff to him. At first it was different, not great, but OK, but then he got very posessive and controlling of me, insisting I cater to everything he wanted and he wanted alot. I wound up breaking up with him and have not found another guy to marry me–not b/c I was intmate with Alan, but b/c men just want $ex and alot of it. So never leave your job b/c the man will NOT stay with you, so the best thing you can do is JSFAMO b/f he does it to you. FOOEY!
anon
I note that you’re leaving out the part where at the peak of her blog she made $70,000/year. Yes, she started off as a SAHM with a blogging hobby, but she solidly monetized that for a number of years. Does that work for most people? No, not at all. Is it a good long-term financial strategy to quit your job to be a mommy blogger? No – but she didn’t do that. She quit her job because she was formed by a community that very, very strongly encouraged mothers not to work. Unless you grew up with that kind of cultural programming, I think it’s hard to understand how great that pressure can be. Her difficulties in finding a job now are, based on the article, more about the fact that the type of experience she has is difficult to “translate” for prospective employers.
annon
This is weirdly aggressive response.
anon
This is a weirdly fragile response.
anonono
Yes, thank you for making this point! What is more, her specific culture encourages daily record keeping through journaling or other means. So, she was a SAHM because of her religion/culture and a blogger in many ways because of her religion/culture. It is unfair to divorce her story from the religion and culture she grew up in—Natalie Jean surely doesn’t tell her story without that fact being at the center.
Monday
I don’t think anyone is calling her an idiot or saying they don’t understand. They are just cautioning married women about not maintaining employment.
Plenty of religions and cultures advocate family structures in which women depend on men for their livelihood. We can respect people’s upbringings without deferring to that, since the bottom line is that women do often need to support themselves at some point in their lives.
Anonymous
This is a fair point. And the article helped me to reframe work as a gift. I am lucky that I wasn’t raised in a culture that expects women to stop working once they have babies. I never plan on giving up my options like that.
Anon
Obviously there are cultures where quitting your job once there is a baby is an expectation, but in my extended family — I am also seeing that quitting upon baby (or often upon wedding ring) is a way to BRAG that you are with a successful man. I see this as very true in certain geographies that are LCOL — women only work if they “need to.” I’m of a culture where a dr. husband is seen as a huge prize, so if you land a dr. you quit ASAP — bc you need to show everyone that the DOCTOR will provide, and oh you’re not like you’re poor friends/coworkers who HAVE TO toil away because . . . DOCTOR. I know those cousins of mine look with pity upon the rest of us cousins in the northeast because we HAVE to work because we either aren’t with doctors or even a dr. salary in a HCOL isn’t enough . . . .
Anon
I swear, reading this and the stuff above, I am for once grateful to have grown up in the socialist republic I am from.
Anon
Yep.
Then there are the ones who will talk about “sacrificing” for their families, and make you seem like a money-grubbing jerk if you work once the kids are born – even if your total HHI (husband’s plus yours) is less than her husband’s salary. That’s my favourite.
Anon
The blogging thing hasn’t worked out so well for Heather Armstrong (Dooce) either. Even though she’s the biggest and most famous mommy blogger, she’s fairly public about her money problems.
Social media has changed a lot. It’s more about your Instagram and twitter than your website, and the blogger/influencer bucks aren’t what they used to be.
Seventh Sister
In any emerging industry (or any field really), the initial party isn’t going to last forever. It’s hard not to have a bit of schadenfreude as a worker bee who’d read mommy blog posts that talked about how amazing their 3yo was at 11:15 in the morning (making organic cookies while mom was nursing the newborn as the light streamed in from artfully distressed kitchen windows) when I’m dragging mine home from aftercare and feeding them leftovers.
Anon
I will be in a car for a 5 hour round-trip with two of the head partners in my group. I’m a 28 liberal DINK and they’re both late 50’s, the sole earners for their families, and live in the suburbs with their kids. We get along well and I can generally get by with each one-on-one in shorter conversations, but I’ve realized in the past we just don’t have a lot of overlap. Last time I talked to one at a reception he kept bringing up movies from the 80’s that I’ve never heard of and kept saying I was such a baby for not understanding the references. Other topics I’ve tried and failed: they both love sports but I don’t know the names of any players or recent game updates and get outmatched quickly. I’ve tried talking about travel but they both have beach homes and prefer to go there over anywhere further. In the past we’ve talked about food but I don’t know if I can keep bringing up food without it being odd. Does anyone have ideas for good conversation topics here?
Anon
You can talk about their lives without having to say that you want that lifestyle for yourself, and vice versa.
Anon
In similar situations I just ask a lot of questions. It’s hard though!
anon
Ask for their war stories. How did you get into this area of practice, why did you join this firm, what was the most difficult deal/ case you ever worked on, etc. In terms of chit-chat, I read history and that seems to be a good topic with that demographic.
And if it’s awkward, don’t take all the blame for yourself. If they keep telling you that you’re a baby because you don’t know movies that were made 35 years ago, they’re the problem.
Senior Attorney
+1 on the war stories. Ask what the firm was like when they were associates, ask them to tell about the partners who were in charge back then, ask about their best/worst cases/deals, and so on.
Telco Lady JD
+1 on not taking all of the blame. I ALWAYS did this early in my career. I would have have frequent encounters with my boss that would be weird and think to myself, “Sweet Jesus, why am I such an idiot that I can’t have a conversation with this man?” And then….I realized that he was super awkward, that it happened to everyone, and had nothing to do with me.
It doesn’t solve your problem, but don’t let it deflate you. I like the idea of asking about war stories. They get to talk about themselves under the guise of mentoring, AND it fills time and space. Everybody wins!
Anon
Yes to not taking all the blame. I’m not the best socially but I do far better talking to people who are really confident and outgoing. It took me a long time to recognize that when I’m talking to another socially awkward person and the conversation is stalling that it’s not entirely my fault.
I also like the war story idea. I was going to suggest asking about their kids, but sadly I’m not sure male law firm partners really want to talk about their kids.
Anonymous
Honestly just suggest putting on a podcast or music, so it’s less awkward if the conversation is stilted. I was in a similar situation a few months ago, and we listened to several episodes of This American Life with some conversation here and there.
ceej
Can you suggest that you download a 3-4 hour Continuing Education Audio program and all listen to that to get your CLE credits done? You come across as responsible, using time wisely, prepared, and also no one has to talk for that time, and once it is over you can talk about that topic?
On a 4 hour drive with a new supervisor, I came with a list of all our cases and my knowledge of the status and had him fill me in on anything I didn’t know and plan next steps. It ate up about 3 hours. Can you come with some things to talk about on cases?
anon
I really don’t mean this to be nasty, I’m sorry but that sounds just awful to me… it wouldn’t come off as responsible or using time wisely, it would come off as gunner-ish, incapable of social interaction, excruciatingly dull, and I’d be worried I’d fall asleep and drive off the road. There’s a saying that most interviews in law, once basic qualifications are met, are about finding someone you want to sit in an airport or war room with for 4 hours. This is why. She should be using this time to develop good relationships with the partners, not avoiding it by CLEs. I’m in OP’s situation a lot and unfortunately the way to deal with it is just to power through. (And yes the partners absolutely bear some of this burden! It’s not our fault we’re not 50 year old men.)
Anon
This. I honestly think just being mostly silent and letting them take the lead on conversation is way better than forcing them to sit through a CLE. Being pretty quiet may not make a positive impression, but suggesting a CLE is going to leave them with actively negative impression.
In-House in Houston
I recently bought this dress (paid a little more for it too!) but it’s a great dress. It has some weight to it, which I like and I love that it has pockets. I wore it last Friday for a big meeting where I had to present for about 15 minutes and I got 4-5 compliments on it from women in the meeting.
ElisaR
its super cute
Anon
Help! Anyone know where I can make a free, non-religious birthday e-card without making an account? It’s shockingly hard to find a decent site.
Anon
Why can’t you make an account? Just use a burner email.
Anonymous
This is possibly the cheapest or laziest thing ever but i use my phone to take a screenshot of something birthdayish or holiday-ish and write a personal greeting on the pic with iphone photo editing tool and email it. Done. If its the thought that counts?
Anon
Omg, this will be perfect for what I need. Thank you!!
Anonymous
What is the car-search engine with the broadest dealership reach – Carfax?
I’m looking for a very specific model/year of car and am OK with a 400-500-mile search radius. I want to ensure I’m picking up the most dealers possible (prefer that to a private seller). It’s an Audi, if that matters.
Anon
TrueCar. Isn’t Carfax for used cars?
Anonymous
Oops, sorry, should have added that this is a used car I’m looking for (a particular combination of features).
Anon
I like AutoTrader. (Hate their new commercials though.)
RR
Not dealership, but I came very close to buying a car from Carvana and liked the search functionality.
Anonymous
What would you do for an Xmas dinner with just you and DH: go out to your fav fancy steakhouse (which is open and you already have a reservation at), or get Chinese takeout? I am so torn. We have never been on our own for Christmas before, I am really excited.
Anon
Fancy steakhouse!
Anon
Get takeout for Christmas Eve and go to the restaurant for Christmas.
Anon
I would do the reverse but same idea.
June
I’d do the fancy steakhouse so it’s more special. But I love steakhouses!