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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m loving the military-style details on this ponte jacket from White House Black Market. The slightly cropped length would pair nicely with a sheath dress or a high-waisted pair of pants.
I would wear this with a pair of dark-wash jeans if I were trying to project authority in a more informal office, or with a pair of gray trousers for a more business casual look.
The jacket is $185 at White House Black Market and comes in sizes 00–18. It also comes black, “sergeant” (olive green), and “vachetta.”
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
HYSA?
Good morning ‘rettes! I have a significant chunk of cash I was going to park in a high-yield savings account for the time being while I figure out what I want to do with it. I have a CapitalOne360 Savings Account that is currently dormant but will get me 3.30% once I deposit. Given I have nothing in there currently, now could be a time to start fresh with online banking, and I wanted to check to field recs for an online HYSA that might be better (either in terms of rate or user experience) than Cap One. Let me know – thank you!
Anon
Ally has CDs at 4%+ and I moved a lot of cash into that.
Senior Attorney
Just beware of Ally. They had a major data breach not long ago, and nobody could get in touch with customer service on the phone or via any other method for days or weeks. I moved all my money out of Ally to Cap One because I need to be able to get in touch with customer service.
Ellen
There are a few Crypto places that offer over 9%, but the catch seems to be that you can only make deposits, not withdrawls. My Dad says that makes little sense, so I am sharing this news with the ENTIRE hive! You get what you pay for, he says, and he is “spot on” with the manageing partner on this one.
BTW, the model in the picture is very cute and reminds me of Rosa (my little sister)! I will share the link with her so that she can see if she agrees with me. YAY!
Curious
+1 pile on to hating Ally customer service.
Anon
I have an Amex HYSA that is at 3.30%, and it works well for me as I also use AmEx for CCs. IME you’ll get about the same rate from different institutions for the same kind of account, so convenience/a system you already use & like is generally the deciding factor (for me). You can also check out bank rate dot com (no spaces) to compare against each other.
I was actually just updating my own banking so that payroll will go into HYSA and then I’ll transfer out to checking, so that I can capture some extra interest rather than having it sit in checking at 0%.
Naomi
I used Amex HYSA for the same reason. It seems like the rates go up and down but end up being similar at most places.
Curious
I love my Amex HYSA, and I also wouldn’t hesitate to go with Capital One. Customer service at both is great.
Anonymous
CIT BANK has a 4.65% 13 month no penalty CD
startup lawyer
weathfront has 3.8% and if you sign up via a referral code you get an extra 0.5% bump for 3 months.
Anon
How do you like Wealthfront? Do you use it for all of your savings/retirement savings? How did you get into it?
anon
I’m not the OP, but I use Wealthfront for savings only, and I love it! It’s so easy to use, easy to transfer money back-and-forth from my (Bank of America) checking account, and the interest rates are great. 3.8% now. I am not a very money-savvy person, and I don’t use it for anything other than my short-term savings. But, in the four years I’ve used it, it’s been great.
Anon
Ally savings accounts are at over 6% interest right now.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Where are you seeing that? Mine is at 3.3%. Even the long-term CDs are only 4.35%.
E.D.
I just got 4.65% from JP Morgan on a 1-year CD through Fidelity.
Anon
I like this! Other than a white shell, what would go underneath it?
Anon
Anything? It’s not so navy that any neutral would work and so would any print. I have jackets like this and they literally go with everything.
Anon
A navy and white striped tee would be cute.
anon
Oooh, yeah, that would be a nice spring vibe.
pugsnbourbon
Pink and white stripes would be cute too!
OP – other colors that would work are charcoal, beige/camel, pink, pastel blue, lilac, light green.
Anon
I could use some work advice. Any tips for adjusting to being an important member of a team rather than the lead of a team? I was a big law associate at the beginning of my career and developed very strong ownership over my work (I knew everything about everything I was working on and it was my responsibility until it was done.). I’m now in government and I’m frequently just a member of a team of people working on a project or second in the line of command but not actually the lead (for example, client is the lead but as the lawyer I’m the second most important part of the project.). I’m having a hard time adjusting to this. Some balls have dropped on a couple of my projects and I think it’s my fault and I think it happened because I don’t own the project so I’m not being fastidious about keeping track of everything. Does anyone understand what I’m talking about and have any advice? Please be nice.
Anon
You basically have to be as on top of it as you were but also don’t let the business client push their tasks to you. Lots of communication with the business but also your boss for advice.
Ellen
It is never easy going from private practice to government. In private practice, we have responsibilities and deadlines. Not so much in government. Dad likens the latter to sludge on the top of the water, just moving back and forth, but not going much of anywhere, tho people still get paid and go on with their lives. I wanted to go into the DA’s office or the US Attorney’s office as a prosecutor, but abandoned that idea when I found out I would take a salary hit and loose some autonomy. Dad recommends you just go with the flow and relax until you find a higher up guy interested in you personally to be your mentor and to mabye get married. I met guys in DC but did not consider them eligible and doubt I can now. But good luck to you anyway!
Cat
You’ll get better at it. Depending on the project, legal takes varying levels of initiative to push a project along. Some projects, where there’s been clear direction on desired timing, I back out how much work will be required to meet it, and then set a meeting cadence accordingly (or advise client on what’s needed, if they prefer to handle the scheduling) so that I know I’m not the hold-up.
Anonymous
This same thing happened to me when I switched to government. It’s weird being the only lawyer on a team but not necessarily being the lead! I think you have to figure out the personalities/work ethics of the people on your team and adjust accordingly. On some teams, even if I’m not named the lead, I need to take charge or nothing will get done and so on those projects, I feel comfortable essentially taking over. On other projects, the named lead actually takes charge, so I feel comfortable just doing my tasks and reviewing everything from a legal perspective. Agree with the previous poster that lots of communication is key, both with team members and with your manager (who hopefully can help you sort out which situations need you to take the lead and which don’t).
Anonymous
You might have some luck looking into how to be successful in matrixed working environments. From your quick examples, one piece of advice I’d have is setting up regular check-ins with the client/lead (or anyone else) to make sure you are in synch on who has what. if you aren’t in person with these people, it needs to be scheduled vs popping into their office.
Anonymous
I think you might need a reframe. You’re not owning the whole project anymore but you are owning your piece of the project. So you should think of it as you are leading your segment. I was in a service group (think tax) for a long time and I had a lot of ownership over night work even though the corporate associates ran the deals themselves.
Agree with others that you need to make sure your adding value where you should be but careful not to let others push too much of their work onto your plate.
Anonymous
A good project management tool and clearly articulated responsibilities are helpful in this circumstance.
Anon
Great pick!
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I will never not want a jacket like this in olive green.
Anon
Has anyone gotten allergy shots for really bad dust mite allergies? Any other alternatives that work? I’ve been taking Claritin daily for years and it doesn’t seem to be working anymore. I wake up with itchy eyes and an itchy throat (and no, I’m not sick).
Anon
Allergy shots for years. I had moderate allergies and then a sinus infection that never ended, even after surgery. On allergy shots but also on oral meds. I am just terminally gunky perhaps?
Anon
What about hiring a professional dust removal company like the post-construction kind? It will probably at least reduce the dust, which I realize is impossible to eradicate, and may help? Worst case you’ve got a very clean house. I have found that over time an allergy med stops working if you take it all the time. Maybe switch brands too.
JTM
Try switching to Zyrtec. I’ve been told by several allergist that it works better than Claritin or Allegra.
Anon
I second Zyrtec. Claritin stopped working for my dust mite allergies, but Zyrtec has been going strong for over 10 years.
Anon
+2. It’s the only allergy medication that works for me. I take it daily in the winter months.
Nesprin
FYI Zyrtec is a lot more sedating than claritin- my doctor recommended taking before bed and starting with the liquid formulation so I could take 1/4 dose then 1/2 dose etc.
It’s also hard to come off of- when I stop I get widespread itching for a couple of days.
Anon
See your doctor. I take prescription allergy medication. Claritin etc don’t even touch my allergies.
Anonymous
My dust mite allergies are ridiculously nuts. I went to an allergist and she prescribed Odactra, which is an oral tablet you take that has a tiny bit of dust mite extract in it to get your body used to the allergen and eventually become immune to the allergy. She stated it would take up to a year or so, but then you may never have to deal with the allergy again. I didn’t start the regimen because I became pregnant, but plan to do so after I’ve had the baby.
Other than that, the allergist suggested using mattress and pillow covers, washing linens in super hot water, and an air purifier. I’ve done this all and noticed a difference. Someone on here also stated they ran a Roomba in their bedroom every time they took a shower, and the frequent vacuuming really cut down on allergies.
Anon
This is my one allergy.
+1 to all of the above. WRT the mattress and pillow covers – get the good ones that specifically call out dust mites. Frequent vacuuming definitely helps but I’m lazy. So Zyrtec and pray.
Anon
If the recommended 24 hour meds don’t work (I’m generally a Zyrtec gal myself), I’ve had success with Tavist. It’s an older med, 12 hours instead of 24, but is dirt cheap and works to take the edge off when the newer stuff isn’t working. I can’t remember if it’s considered “non-drowsy” or not, but it doesn’t make me sleepy.
The only way Claritin works for me is if I’m obsessively consistent about taking it at the exact same time every day. That doesn’t work in real life.
anonchicago
Try seeing a few ENTs and allergists because each one seems to be set in their protocol. I’ve had allergies and breathing problems for years that nasal sprays barely touched, and it was never bad enough for allergy shots. I finally saw an ENT who did a full panel along with CT scan and got me on the right regimen.
I’m now taking sublingual immunotherapy for dust mite allergies. The pill is called Odactra and is much better than anything else I’ve tried for allergies and obstructive breathing.
Nesprin
Yep, and they were amazing- they saved my life essentially.
Allergy shots are absolutely time consuming- 1 hour/wk for like 2 years but for me at least they were absolutely worth it.
Anon
Agree with the others about switching the Claritin.
Agree with deep cleaning, dumping old pillows. You have good air cleaners everywhere, one in your bedroom too? I also use a great humidifier that is very large and works well. I also use eye drops before bed and in the AM
I’m also allergic to everything, and have basically accepted a certain level of congestion at all times. Not sure why… It doesn’t affect my breathing, fortunately.
E.D.
I am currently on a program of allergy shots for many environmental allergies – worst being ragweed and dust mites. It’s a 5-year total program but I saw almost total relief after a year. I was on two 24-hour Claritin a day, still having terrible sinus headaches, and starting to get side effects. Now, I only take antihistamines to prepare for my monthly shot. They start out with 2 sets of shots a week, then taper to once a week, then eventually to once a month once you reach your maintenance dosage. The pre- and post- testing is expensive, but 60 Claritin a month isn’t cheap either.
Anon
Yes, it was life changing. Big commitment, though. I got regular shots for over 5 years, but now I’m done-done. I did Zyrtec for a while even after getting relief from immunotherapy because the withdrawals whenever I tried to quit were brutal (extreme pruritis), and I would always cave and go back. I finally bit the bullet and quit cold turkey and now I’m finally free from allergies, from allergy shots, and from allergy pills. If your life is stable enough to work shots into your regular schedule, I would give it a try.
anon
Is this rude? I have celiac disease and cannot eat gluten. I was diagnosed as a child. MIL comes to our house 3-4 times a month. I live with my husband and our toddler. Every time she comes she brings tons of food I can’t eat: spaghetti with meatballs, breaded chicken, pizza, pastries. It’s not like I will go hungry if MIL doesn’t bring me meals, but I’m getting annoyed that she repeatedly brings full meals that she knows I cannot eat. I have casually mentioned it to her and her response is along the lines of she doesn’t know what gluten is and can’t keep track of what I can and can’t eat. I can’t decide if her unwillingness to educate herself on a fairly basic but also very serious food restriction is mere benign ignorance or if this is legitimately rude. I feel she could be making something of an effort to include me- GF pasta exists and is good! Husband and I have been together for 8 years and gluten is the only thing I cannot eat.
Anon
I think it’s rude! My sister cannot eat gluten and it is honestly not hard to make gluten free dishes. Has your husband talked to her?
Anon
Is she coming over for a meal, or is she dropping off food for your family to eat later? I think it’s rude for sure but would be especially rude if she expected “the family” to eat it all right then. Is your MIL Italian? What does your husband say?? I’d be pretty upset if my parents were bringing over food my spouse couldn’t share, constantly. I think if this was an annual occurrence, I’d be team “whatever, MIL”, but since it’s happening almost every week, your husband should step in and make recommendations.
anon
OP here, good point. The meals are drop offs and not intended for us all to eat together. But it ends up that husband and toddler eat the meals she brings, and I eat something separately (with them). Not Italian at all.
Anonymous
I think this is less rude than if she were bringing over sit down meals that you couldn’t participate in, but it’s still rude and exclusionary. Like, I’ll provide for my child and grandchild but not you.
I bet if DH had a gluten intolerance she would accommodate.
Anon
Oh man, it’s legitimately rude. Everyone who knows anything about cooking knows wheat contains gluten, pasta is made from wheat, etc. She doesn’t have to bring meals at all! But bringing meals you can’t eat is mindful disrespect.
Cora
Yep! And its pretty easy to either make a dish not containing gluten (like non-breaded chicken) or buy gluten-free pasta.
ArenKay
She is being passive aggressive. I doubt she will change, so try to ignore.
Anon
While I don’t think you should expect entirely gluten free options from her, your husband should have a conversation with his mother that her behavior is thoughtless and hurtful, requesting that she skip the food if she cannot be more inclusive. But on the other hand, are you willing to consume food made by someone who clearly doesn’t take your health issue’s seriously?
anon
+1. On one hand, maybe your MIL doesn’t want to mess up and make the wrong thing so she sidesteps it altogether and figures she’s accommodating most of the family. (Though it would not be that hard for her to educate herself, let me be clear!) But I can definitely see why it rankles and is annoying, and your DH should be the one to deal with it.
Anon
I am a vegetarian and my MIL is generally good about making an effort to include things I can eat when she brings food. I still sometimes get left out (while she is a very nice & obliging lady, I am also #3 to her son & grandkids), I think some effort to acknowledge your needs would be helpful. Anyway you can gush positively about something she brings already that works for you? It may be harder if you have to totally avoid gluten and can’t trust an item unless you have all the ingredients, but for me complimenting an egg salad meant that I always get my own private container of egg salad….
Anon
Rude. I think of this like the bacon grandma. It’s fine in moderation, but when it happens all the time and she makes a big deal about it, it’s definitely rude. Making an effort to include you at least some of the time with something you like would make a big difference in my feelings about it, even if she continued to bring the rest of the food you didn’t eat.
Anon
Agree. You don’t always have to bring things that everyone can eat and like, but when you are always bringing things that someone cannot eat, you’re being rude. (I also thought Bacon Grandma was being rude, although the consensus seemed to be that because bacon, it was hilarious. Or something.)
Anon
FWIW I felt the same way about bacon grandma and peoples reactions to it.
Anon
It’s far worse than bacon grandma. Celiac is a medical condition! If you had a tree nut or peanut allergy and MIL was fast and loose with the peanut M&Ms, would that be OK? I hate people with fake dietary issues, but celiac is not one of them and people need to treat serious things seriously (and H needs to have A STERN TALK with his mother). WTF is she doing here? It sounds like you are not needy in the food department.
Anon
I take dietary issues very seriously, as we have a bunch of them in my family, including both celiac and vegans. In this case, it’s not like she’s trying to sneak in gluten to OP, so it’s not actually a health issue for OP. It’s a matter of politeness and inclusion, which apply equally to this MIL and to bacon grandma. As long as you’re meeting basic food safety (like avoiding peanuts in a house with a child with a severe peanut allergy), you don’t need to make every food item meet everyone’s needs, but if you never ever include someone, that’s really rude and clearly indicates you’re trying to exclude them or make a statement about how you don’t think their needs are are valid.
Anonymous
The difference in the responses to this and the bacon post are fascinating.
Anon
Anon at 10:53, explain what is a “fake dietary issue.” I have been a vegetarian for over twenty years. Is that fake?
I can see a straight faced argument for something being fake when the person isn’t consistent about it. “Oh I’m so gluten free you can’t make your vegetarian gravy with flour but let me eat a cupcake.” (Actual example.). Sure, if you have food sensitivities, you get to pick what is worth the trouble, but maybe own up to that? Otherwise, people who are consistent about their food choices generally do so for a very good reason.
Anon
I don’t think it’s surprising the responses are different! The fact pattern is very different. A medical condition that can be life-threatening is very different than a preference for not eating something. I think bacon grandma OP eventually said it was a religious issue for her, but that definitely wasn’t in the first post and people thought it was just that she didn’t want to eat bacon. I’m primarily veg but really not bothered by people eating meat around me, including someone bringing it to my home. But if I had a serious allergy to meat it would be a very different story.
Also bacon isn’t a full meal. It’s part of a meal. It’s far less rude to bring over some bacon and say “can you serve this with brunch?” than to bring over a complete meal that excludes someone.
Anon
I didn’t think Bacon Grandma was rude, but I think this is very rude. There’s a big difference between bringing a treat for the kids and a full meal that someone can’t eat. Also a medical condition that makes it unsafe for you to eat the food is very different than just having a preference for not eating something.
Anon
Bacon Grandma’s DIL has religious reasons for not eating pork products.
Anon
That was not in her original post, and the responses would have been very different if it had been.
Anon
But that said, I still think a medical condition is an even bigger deal than a religious belief.
Medical condition (especially a serious one like Celiac) > religious belief > moral objection like vegetarian for ethical reasons > preference because you don’t like the taste or whatever.
anon
I find it so rude that I am surprised you need to ask. Is she otherwise totally considerate?
anon
I had the same question. Is there a pattern here, or is it this one thing? (It’s a big thing, to be sure.)
Anon
I’m sorry – this is not only rude but would make me feel like my MIL didn’t care about me at all. I also have Celiac and my MIL has made me GF food from the day I met her (she’s an angel and I’m lucky – but really, it’s not that hard. She cooks mostly from scratch and will just sub GF flour or GF pasta; always has a loaf of GF bread in her freezer). In your shoes even if she attempted to cook GF I wouldn’t trust that it was actually GF, given her carelessness.
What does your husband say? Doesn’t it bother him that she’s not nice to you?
Anon
It’s not even that she’s not-nice, it’s that she’s actively doing harmful things. Maybe she thinks celiac is a fake thing? Because it it were a peanut allergy, it could have killed you.
Anon
+100
I also wonder whether she is being passive aggressive, and doesn’t understand the severity of being Celiac. Like others have mentioned, you have a serious disease that can have severe consequences for eating gluten. What she is doing is actually a bit ….. cruel!
What does your husband say? He is also being rude/cruel by not bringing this up with his mother and putting a change on things.
Do you only cook gluten free in the home, so husband never eats gluten except from Grandma? Maybe he mentioned that to her, complained once or just mentioned missing a favorite food, or just expressed to her enjoying something she made, so she’s actually trying to help you, by making all the things that she knows you can’t eat so your husband can enjoy it… so you don’t have to make 2 meals? I mean, it is a bit of a drag to be gluten free (as you know!!) so you probably cook mostly gluten free for your family normally? I’m trying to be generous here…. maybe MIL thinks she is helping you. Many women of her generation express love via food/cooking for her family…. ?? What do you think?
I still think it is crazy rude. And I think it is your husband that should be speaking up.
Anonymous
It is extremely rude of her to continue bringing gluten-full meals to your house after you’ve asked her to stop! I’d recommend asking your husband to talk with her about it. She can either bring meals everyone can eat, or small things for herself if she feels she needs to, but the current situation is not working for you.
Anon
I don’t know whether I would call it rude; a lot of people think it’s rude to have dietary restrictions in the first place. I think it’s ignorance that’s not benign, I guess?
Personally, I would honestly rather she didn’t bring meals at all. My home is a gluten-free haven for me; I don’t have to worry about cross contamination because there’s no gluten around. If she’s always bringing pre-prepared foods, maybe there’s no real contamination risk. But I personally do not enjoy having that extra pressure when cleaning up pastry crumbs that got everywhere.
I would certainly never trust any food she prepared even if she did prepare something she said was gluten free!
Anon
I don’t think it’s “rude” to have medical conditions or even preferences in your own home, and OP clearly has not been rude at all if she is asking whether this is a problem. This is OP’s house, which should be a place she doesn’t have to worry about food! She is not telling MIL she can’t share a cookie with toddler when she is spending time with him/her outside the house, for example.
Anon
Maybe people think it’s “rude” to have dietary restrictions, but I think it’s creepily controlling and rude to throw shade at people with dietary restrictions. “You’re not in charge of other people’s bodies” is a concept my toddler grasps….
Anon
Your husband should tell her not to bring food (which she obviously enjoys doing) if she cannot include gluten free options. This may incentivize her to be more inclusive. If not, at least the point of conflict is eliminated.
Anon
+1
Husband needs to step up and deal with his rude mother.
Anon
+1
Anon
This. And is this the *only* thing problematic about her (like bless Lizzy’s heart — she does so much for our family but just does not understand gluten and that this is real for me not some weird restaurant fetish that you hear about on IG).
If it were a peanut allergy, she could have very well killed you by now.
Anonymous
So…I think some of this depends on the context of why she’s bringing food. I think your husband should step in a bit here- his mom probably has Her Recipes that she has Made for Years and Years and knows her son loves (or whatever). He can provide some guidance on easy food you can eat- “mom, it’s as simple as leaving croutons out of the salad. I can add them in afterward” or “anything is rice is great!” etc.
I will say that my brother’s girlfriend of 3+ years is GF (and has a lot of other allergies) and my mom doesn’t make entirely GF food, but she does make an effort to make sure there are GF options. She will sometimes drop off leftovers to their house on her way through town and will label them if they are GF or not (“I don’t want to kill [GF] but I also had half a lasagna left and know [Brother] will eat it and I’m heading out of town for a month.”) She will also do things like include a package of GF oreos for example if she’s in the store anyway.
Anon
Good point. If she’s bringing husband’s favorites (which he’ll otherwise never get to have if he doesn’t cook or if all the cooking that takes place in the household is GF), I could see this as a good thing.
Anon
Veg poster above and totally agree. I also think the medical aspect could be intimidating to MIL if she’s otherwise a considerate person… I know others mention above how easy it is to accommodate GF but I’m 42 and would be nervous/need clear direction about GF food prep if there were medical reasons.
Anonymous
This is a really good point. OP, is she bringing you meals, or is she bringing Meals like Aunt Alice’s famous chicken dish that you don’t cook bc it has gluten?
Anon
Oh that’s just mean. My Italian parents make vegetarian options for my SIL who’s vegetarian without batting an eyelash and it wouldn’t occur to them to make food she can’t eat. What does your husband say? I think he should have a little chat with mama and get on your team.
Anon
So rude — my brother’s SO is gluten free and we only eat gluten free meals or ones with full equal gluten free options when she’s with us. My daughter has food allergies and my parents don’t serve anything she’s allergic to. It’s basic kindness to accommodate reasonable needs of family members.
anon
What happens if a family tries to be incredibly accommodating and make sure there’s something for everyone, can be trusted to get the details right, and the person with restrictions still refuses to eat with everyone? That has caused some very hurt feelings in my family. It’s hard to be objective because this person is … generally difficult, food issues aside.
Anon
That’s a completely different scenario than what anybody is talking about here. I don’t know why you would bring it up at all in this thread.
anon
I acknowledge that it’s different, but since we’re talking about celiac, I didn’t think it was that off-base to ask.
Anon
Stop accommodating!
(I don’t know what’s going on here. I do know that when a difficult person knows that people feel that they’re generally difficult, they may not be comfortable sharing the full extent of their medical restrictions. I have also experienced that kind, generous people who are extremely well meaning and who would swear up and down that they can be trusted with the details still get it wrong because they’re human and absent minded or because they don’t truly understand the medical rationale.)
Anonymous
Has anyone asked them why they won’t eat? Given that you label them ‘difficult’ are their concerns heard with openness. Like if you are serving spaghetti and dairy free sauce but still have a container of loose parmesan on the table to shake on pasta and people are careless, that’s really stressful if you have an anaphylactic diary allergy.
My MIL will cook dairy free and options with dairy when we visit but she is not very good about serving carefully to avoid cross contamination – like she’ll use the same spoon on accident and go to serve with a fresh spoon when the dish has now been cross contaminated and she’ll be offended if it’s not eaten despite the risk. She does not take feedback well and my daughter finds the whole thing stressful.
My parents just cook dairy free – you don’t need carrots roasted with butter if you already have some roasted with olive oil.
Anon
I know a lot of people like your MIL. In my observation, even people who understand cross contamination still do it by accident a lot. It’s honestly hard to maintain vigilance on a daily basis!
Besides serving spoons, cutting boards and knives are some common sources of cross contamination I’ve witnessed, as well as measuring cups and spoons. Communal butter dishes is another one.
Relying on gluten-free labels is another one that it’s hard to blame people for. It says right on it that it’s gluten-free! But there may be (very) fine print admitting that it’s processed alongside wheat and can be contaminated. And some products say they’re gluten free but just aren’t, which is a huge hassle for people with Celiac to manage, let alone people who don’t have it and aren’t dealing with it day in and day out!
Anon
Are there potential cross contamination issues? Some individuals cannot eat anything with gluten residue, so your accommodations may not be sufficient.
Oh so anon
We have had that issue with my inlaws, namely involving reusing serving spoons and allergens.
Anonymous
I would want to understand why the person isn’t eating; if I’m making a mistake then I want to fix it. If I didn’t get an answer then I would continue to make something they could eat – that everyone else can eat too – and feel like I did my duty as a good host. It’s basic manners to make sure everyone can participate in the meal. Whether someone eats or not is up to them. If they don’t eat and don’t explain why then I would assume some kind of medical or mental health issue that they don’t want to share.
Anonymous
I have a GF-by-choice SIL. She gets snippy when I make a GF dish for the whole group because for her the purpose of being GF is to be “special.” For example, if I make a flourless chocolate cake, she is put out because I didn’t make a cake with flour for everyone else and a separate GF cake from a mix for her. (No cross-contamination worries here; she has no medical reason to avoid gluten and will sometimes eat “just a little” gluten in a restaurant dish she really wants rather than order something else that is GF).
Anon
You have an attention seeking SIL.
Anonymous
Wouldn’t bother me if it was like sharing leftovers (e.g. your DH takes the leftover spagetti and meatballs to work for lunch) or treats (she has a pastry with the toddler while she visits. Food is a love language for some people. It’s understandable that she would want to make her ‘classics’ for DH and her grandchild but she needs to do it in a way that doesn’t affect your health.
But, if it’s like bringing pizza and bread into your kitchen – that’s rude AF and I would 100% be shutting it down.
And it should be your DH shutting it down. ‘Mom I find it really hard when you bring over gluten things into our kitchen, I love your cooking but I’m too worried about the effect on DIL’s health to enjoy it. If you’re bringing something, make sure it’s in a sealed container – I can take things into the office for my lunch, or a smaller treat we can eat at the dining table.’
Anon
100% rude. But why hasn’t your husband said something?? If my parents acted like that towards my husband there would be words.
anon
I think my answer might depend on if the rest of your family eats gluten free in solidarity to you. If they don’t, and she’s just bringing treats she knows they like, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal and is probably done without malice. It would be nice for her to bring stuff once in awhile that you could eat, but if the rest of your family eats different food than you anyway, I don’t think it’s something to take so personally. My husband is a vegetarian and even when my family tries their best, meat sneaks in because they don’t understand that, for example, vegetable soup made with chicken broth isn’t vegetarian. You say you’ve casually mentioned it. Maybe you need to have a not casual conversation (not an angry convo, but just a real one) with her and explain what it means. But if this woman is otherwise a good MIL and your child likes her, I’d let this go. It would be nice if she accommodated you, but I wouldn’t consider it actively rude.
NYCer
+1. Assuming your husband and daughter eat gluten (which sounds like the case given that MIL brings this food), I would just let it go. If you really want her to bring food for you too, your husband should explicitly tell her that she should include some gluten free options from time to time.
My answer would be different if she was bringing this food to eat immediately (for instance, coming over for dinner and she brings all the food), but just to stock the fridge, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.
Anon
Yes, when I realized this was stocking the fridge and not “let’s all sit down to eat this together” it seemed a lot less rude to me. It seems like a favor if 2/3 of the household have some meals handled.
Anon
+100
If this is the only complaint you have about your MIL, you are in great shape! Some meals are handled and so is school lunch packing. I would let it go and use the occasion to get or make my favorite meals just for me.
– Signed, someone whose MIL+FIL are coming to stay for 6-7 months this weekend
Anonymous
So my dad is a celiac and I have some experience with this – is your MIL bringing these for your husband and kids because she thinks they aren’t getting the “real” thing at home because of your celiac? When my mom comes to visit without my dad, she literally binges on gluten at our house because she doesn’t get it at home. Not saying it’s right to leave you out, but are these things from your husband’s childhood that she’s trying to give him?
Anon
I think she doesn’t believe you about your illness. YES it’s rude and I’d be hopping mad.
Why is your husband not standing up to her?
Anon
Agreed.
anon
OP, if your MIL tried to make something GF, would you trust that she was able to avoid contamination and still eat it? Given your past conversation, it is unlikely that she will get it (e.g., checking sauce ingredients) so, in a weird way, she is actually doing you a favor by just removing the possibility of you eating the food and getting sick. Co-signed, grand-MIL tries but does not get it so you have to refuse food she thinks you can eat.
Midwesterner
Rude for sure, and very passive aggressive. My SIL was diagnosed with celiac 20 years ago, and we’d never consider not accommodating her (including being very careful to avoid cross contamination) when we have dinner together or drop something off.
Seventh Sister
I think it’s super rude, but if she can’t be bothered to figure out what gluten is, she’s a lost cause. I wouldn’t do a thing with the food she brings – don’t put it in the fridge, don’t wrap it up, don’t make space in the freezer. Don’t lift a finger. It’s your husband’s mom, he gets to deal with his parent and his parent’s gifts.
Related: my in-laws have kept bees for years, and I’m pretty allergic to bee stings. For years, they were constantly begging me to “go see the bees,” put on the bee costume, etc., etc. every time I came to their g-d house. Also, my MIL had an old epi-pen and assured me she could just inject me if I got stung – she did that all the time! I just sat there and said no. Eventually they got it in their heads that “S- doesn’t like bees” and stopped asking.
Anon
I love everything about bees and beekeeping and am aghast that you were pressured in this way (and honestly perplexed that they keep bees and are so cavalier about the very real risks). Unless the bees were offsite, they should have appreciated the risk you took in just coming over. People are so weird about allergies!!
Seventh Sister
Aw, thanks. They are cavalier about anything involving someone else’s personal safety, especially if it means they are inconvenienced in the slightest way (e.g., exposed everyone to COVID at Christmas because their symptoms had abated and they didn’t feel like taking a test). I do wonder if that is why they split with their beekeeping group – a local friend has bees and is quite helpful/solicitous about things like swarms that show up in local parks, etc. Bees are wonderful, I just have to keep my distance!
anon
OP here, and thank you for all of the responses! To answer some questions: she is generally NOT a considerate person and is pretty self-absorbed. Toddler and husband can eat gluten but typically our home is GF because of the risk of cross contamination. Husband usually buys his lunch at work and can get his gluten fix there and these are not beloved family recipes. Husband visits his mom’s house a few times a month with kiddo so they can eat their special spaghetti or whatever there. I’m particularly sensitive about cross contamination because we struggle with infertility and gluten ingestion for celiacs is a known cause of infertility. Husband was surprised that I’m upset his mom brings food I can’t eat. In his view, she’s providing 2/3 of the family with free meals and hey inflation makes things expensive so why not be happy about it? It baffled him to hear that it’s difficult for me to be faced with tasty things I can’t eat in my own home. (clearly he’s never been on a diet). Furthermore, it makes it difficult to avoid cross contamination. Also, I would NOT trust MIL to make GF things so as a PP mentioned, maybe she is doing me a favor so I don’t have to make up an excuse for why I’m not eating her food! Gift giving is her love language and she has respected our request to not bring loads of toys every time she visits so she has transferred that desire to give into bringing food.
thoughts...
Thanks for sharing this. It is a little bit different than, your original post. Because now you are admitting that you would never eat anything she brought that she called gluten free anyway! So what you are asking…. is for her to stop bringing food, that your husband and child likely really enjoy. That is a little bit …. different.
Maybe, you can compromise? How about if it was only once a month she dropped off food? Or brought the lasagna in frozen lunch sized portions?
I agree with you – I would never trust/eat anything that she would bring and call gluten free. It’s just too easy to cross contaminate.
But it also seems a bit …. harsh…. to not let your husband’s mother bring food over occasionally, which both of them really enjoy?
I suspect your husband really enjoys the food from his Mom, and really misses gluten. Unless he eats full ?dinner type meals every day at lunch, it may not be enough of a “fix” for him. I mean, I’m sure he’s not eating pizza and lasagna for lunch everyday, is he? That would be both pricey and a lot of calories (and likely, not very good tasting if he is running out to get it at lunch). It sounds like he is otherwise happy to stick with your diet in the home, right? This is a big sacrifice, as you know.
I totally see your side, and understand why no outside food in the house would be your preference. But….
Anon
Is it even safe for these meals to be in your home? Most people I know with celiac keep the house gluten free to avoid cross contamination. But either way, yes definitely rude and I didn’t think bacon grandma was rude.
anon
OP here and my longer response has been in m0d for over an hour now but yes-cross contamination is a big concern for me and her routinely bringing things over makes it very difficult to avoid it.
Anon
I’m in the minority, but I would really dislike if my spouse wouldn’t allow me to eat my mom’s home cooking in my own home. Not everything about a couple is as a unit. Sometimes, a mom and her kid can have a “thing” that doesn’t involve the spouse.
anon
That’s totally fine to have a thing but it should be at mom’s house rather than risk making wife/daughter in law ill.
Anon
I would really dislike it if my spouse put my health at risk for something so trivial as spaghetti.
Anonymous
Another celiac here, and I’ve never had any problem with family or friends accommodating me. I can’t believe your own MIL is so uncaring and nonchalant about a serious medical condition! I would be upset. Your DH needs to step up and tell her to stop, point blank. This isn’t cool. You could cross-contaminate your kitchen. He should tell his mom that you (the family) will be throwing out her food from now on, should she continue to bring it.
thoughts...
But now the OP admits that she wouldn’t eat her MIL’s food even if she tried to cook gluten free because MIL can’t be trusted. I don’t blame her for that. But could you imagine MIL getting upset after trying to be accommodating and then discovering the OP wouldn’t eat her food? That wouldn’t end well!
So she wants no Mom food in the house. Ever?
I do know of many homes with one family member with Celiac who still have gluten in the home for other family members, although they rarely cook with it themselves. It is definitely possible for husband to self portion/refrigerate/reheat/clean up after himself in a safe way. I mean OP – do you never eat in a restaurant anymore? Because you know that there is inevitably cross contamination there, in the vast majority of places. If you can’t trust your husband to be as safe/clean as a restaurant, well…. that is a different problem.
Anon
There’s safe and then there’s safe. Statistically an awful lot of people with Celiac remain at increased risk for psychiatric symptoms, cancer, and other complications because of failed dietary adherence (as evidenced by lab work).
Anon
Sure, that’s definitely true. But from household cross contamination from MIL’s drop off food? You shouldn’t have that problem if husband is careful
It is usual purposeful eating of gluten that causes the severe complications for Celiacs, and they can be very severe. It is no joke.
Anonymous
If you have celiac disease, would you really eat any food that had been prepared in your MIL’s kitchen even if it were ostensibly GF? My friends with celiac are all too worried about cross-contamination. They don’t eat food prepared by other people at all.
anon
I woke up in a mood about racism and sexism today. sigh.
Anon
I am am in MD and our first black governor is being sworn in today; first black attorney general was sworn in two weeks ago. This is good, but …it’s hard seeing that there has been no woman as president, nor as governor or AG in my state. Racism is real, but dang, sexism is huge, too.
Anonymous
Maura Healy, who is a lesbian, is MA’s new governor. She was the AG before that. The AG was also a woman. The new AG is a black woman (Andrea Campbell).
It has its faults, but sometimes MA is a pretty nice place to live.
Anon
Really, that’s your reply??
Anon
Really, yes that is my reply. It makes me sad that racism and sexism persist.
Anon
Women are 51% of the population. The underrepresentation is astounding.
anon
Oh wow. I really like this jacket.
Anonymous
+1
Family is Hard
Family advice, please, because I value the hive’s advice and perspective. There is 30+ years of history here, so I will try to condense and hope it makes sense.
I have an older sister who ran away from home her senior year of HS, on her 18th birthday. While she has floated in and out of our lives, it has never been the same. She is a manipulative compulsive liar. She got pregnant in her early 20s & moved back home to have the baby. She didn’t want to be a mother and left again. My parents adopted & raised her son. She went on to get married and have two more kids in a very volatile relationship. Her son is in his early 20s and her daughter is a teenager. Her ex-husband is in jail. My adopted brother, who I loved so much, became an addict and OD’d 6 years ago. He really struggled with his relationship with my sister — not that that is the whole reason he started doing drugs, but he talked about it a lot during his bouts in rehab before he died. My sister’s behavior at the funeral was over the top — sobbing over the casket, getting drunk & into a brawl in the parking lot of the luncheon. I haven’t seen or talked to her since. She lives a very different life than I do — and I have a hard time with her choices. (re-reading this doesn’t really capture everything, highlights. and I do take responsibility for not being as nice or compassionate as I could have been at times — but I was/am hurt by her.)
Last week, she called my cousin and said that she has stage 4 cancer. This news, of course, ended up coming to us. I don’t know what to do about it — what my responsibilities are, what I will regret or not regret doing. He son moved out as soon as he graduated and while they have a relationship, he tries to distance himself from her. If she dies, what will happen to her daughter? I haven’t talked to her in so long — I feel bad for her, but we don’t have a relationship. I am not going to drive her back and forth to the hospital or sit at her side. But should I? Am I a bad person for not setting aside my hurt at the past 30+ years? I guess I am looking for strangers to tell me it is okay to feel bad but not reach out to her. Or tell me that I will regret not saying good bye?
Anon
Get in touch, I think you will regret not being in touch eventually. She is your sister and you will always have that history. Doesn’t mean you need to be her caretaker. You won’t get another chance to get in touch and why risk that kind of regret. You may surprise yourself and discover things that change your opinion of her history too. Time is an unreliable narrator.
Clementine
You’re allowed to mourn the fact that the relationship is not what you would have chosen. You’re allowed to be hurt and also to be sad. You’re allowed to have incredibly complicated feelings. This is messy and hard.
I have a parent who was an alcoholic and made my life really hard. I have allowed him to be a grandfather to my kids, but I’m not going to sit by his bedside and pretend. What I’m willing and able to do is offer practical support for him and emotional support for my sister. And I’m okay with that.
Lily
This is so complicated I will not pretend to understand. But my heart breaks for her poor daughter who has probably had a miserable upbringing and now this. Would it be possible to reach out to your sister, tell her you heard the news and are very sorry, and say that, if anything should happen (don’t imply she is going to die tomorrow), you would give her daughter a loving home and make sure she is ok. To me it seems like that might be the best reconciliation you could have at this point.
Anon
You have no obligations to her. But if I were you – I’d reach out, if for no other reason than to be a presence in order to reestablish a relationship with her kids so they know you can be a resource to them in the future.
You don’t have to forgive her, or to give her money, or to become her medical POA. But for the sake of your niece and nephew – especially if their dad isn’t around – you might regret not at least reaching out.
pugsnbourbon
Oh I am so sorry. You’ve had to grieve your sister so many times and now this. You do not have to take on a caregiving role for your sister, you don’t have to take in her daughter, you do not have to stuff down your hurts from the last 30 years. In your shoes I might cautiously reach out to her but stick to my boundaries. Wishing you the best.
Anon
Hugs. This is all hard. In my family, there is a 50/50 chance that this person does not even have cancer, which jumps to 95% chance of no cancer if they are also asking for money or things (moving back in). At this point, so many bridges have been burnt that I’d want to hear it from the doctor before doing anything. [So I’m of no help — it’s like you have to keep your life preserver on before you can help others.] I am concerned for the niece though — do you have a way to check in on her, like by text, etc. At some point, if she gets orphaned, DSS may show up with her or she may need you while her non-jailed parent is dying.
Anon
My thought exactly: the compulsive liar may not even have cancer, or it might be benign, or whatnot.
Wait and see.
Anonymous
This. Can you contact niece directly and just offer to listen?
I had the same thought re cancer – is this a money grab to the cousin?
Anon
This. Can you contact niece directly and just offer to listen?
I had the same thought re cancer – is this a money grab to the cousin?
Family is Hard
Glad — or sad? — to know I am not the only one with a family member like this! We did reach out to a friend of hers and got confirmation that it is really bad, unforetunately.
I am concerned about my niece, but I don’t know her at all. I haven’t seen her since she was 7 or 8 and no good way to be in contact with her without contacting my sister first.
Anon
Exactly. In fact, this exact scenario played out in my extended family. It’s pretty clear at this point that there was no cancer at all, but the family member has never admitted it.
Anon
I don’t have any advice. I’m sorry you’re going through this though. It sounds very painful, and I imagine it’s bringing up a lot of the grief around your brother’s death as well.
Midwesterner
I am so sorry your family has gone through all of this, and my heart aches for you. I’d urge you, based on a somewhat similar situation I was in last year, not to think about what you owe or don’t owe your sister, but about what will make you feel later that you did the right thing for yourself and your family. What will you feel good (or at least okay) about looking back? That may be to not involve yourself with your sister, and that’s okay.
Senior Attorney
I must have a harder heart than most of the posters here because if I heard today that my Bad Brother (who isn’t even as bad as your sister, OP, based on your description) had stage 4 cancer, I would say to myself “that’s a shame,” and I would get on with my life. So this internet stranger is telling you it is just fine to feel bad but not reach out.
Family is Hard
Thank you guys for giving me more things to think about. It is incredibly messy and it has been very easy to ignore her & her family as a bit of self-preservation on my part. I thought that the next time I would talk to her would be the passing of my parents, but this is bringing up all sorts of unexpected feelings.
Anon
Tips for combating jet lag? I just flew back to the US from Southeast Asia and I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.
Anon
Sunshine in the morning and melatonin at night.
Anonymous
Weighted blanket at night
Anonymous
Yes to sunshine and melatonin but I did this in early January and it just took 10 days to get back to normal.
Anonymous
Agree, sadly
Anon
The conventional wisdom on jet lag is that you need as many days to recover as the time differential. Southeast Asia is tough, both because of the maximum time gap and your body being beaten up by a brutally long return flight. I have no suggestions not already made, except for thinking how worthwhile the trip was and that travel miseries will fade.
Anon
I’ve never heard that rule of thumb and don’t agree with it. According to that you’d need 6 days to recover when going to Europe from the east coast?? I’m fine in a day, I just go to bed really early (local time) the first night because I didn’t get much sleep on the redeye flight.
Alanna of Trebond
Take a nap in the afternoon to help your night schedule get back to normal. It worked like a dream coming from India.
Anon
I’ve realized I’m not good at keeping in touch with people as I move jobs or move cities. I’m starting to set down roots and hope to stay in my current city for a long time, but I’m realizing that I miss several friends I’ve made along the way, and I miss not having long-term friendships or people who knew me way back when.
How do others keep those relationships going? What can I do to not be like this? Is it weird to reach out to people I haven’t talked to in several years? If not, what do I say? I’d normally suggest meeting up for coffee to catch up, so what’s the alternative if they don’t live nearby?
Anon
I moved just before the pandemic. Personally, if you haven’t reached out to me since a pandemic ago, and you haven’t moved back to the city where we could get coffee, I would not be willing to strike up that friendship again. Sorry, but too much bullsht has happened in the last 3 years.
I recently found out that one of my good friends is moving out of state – urgently, as her husband already accepted the job and moved. I’ve already briefed her that I plan to fly in and visit when she’s settled (however long that takes – 2 months or 8). Until then, I plan to text her (monthly?) and just catch up.
I find that in my peer group (mid 30s), it’s perfectly acceptable to stay in touch via text (or zoom-wine-nights during the pandemic) and still suggest a trip to visit each other. Later this year, I plan to visit my hometown, where I still maintain some friends from college. I talk to those friends on a weekly – every-6-months rotation (depends), and I plan to spend some time with them. I’ve already briefed them that I will be there.
All of this said – if you are the kind of friend to whom proximity really matters (and that’s okay!), focus your efforts on the friends you have yet to make, or are developing at the moment. Say “Yes!” to everything. See who invites you out, invite them out. Develop these friendships and enjoy them going forward. Just don’t forget to text when they move? ;)
Anonymous
Wait huh? You’re planning to only text a good friend monthly? Texting that is free?
Anon
This is so rigid. I’ve rekindled friendships after 10 year hiatus. People get busy.
Trish
Yes, I have friends who I talk to every year or so. We talk for 4 hours. Then not again for a while.
Anonymous
You have briefed your friends? Is friendship a military operation?
Pep
Reach out with an anecdote about something you saw or heard that made you think of them, and it spurred you to reach out to catch up. There was a man I worked with years ago that I had lost touch with that reached out to me after a trip to London with his daughter; they had seen Tippoo’s Tiger at the V&A and it reminded him of a conversation we had had when we worked together. I was happy to reconnect with him and we chat from time to time.
Cora
So I think I’m different from Anon @ 10:39 – I really don’t mind old friends restarting friendships regardless of how long has gone by etc. As long as it wasn’t something malicious if I got along well with someone in the past I’m willing to pick the relationship back up. I think texting or social media can be a good way to ease into this. I have some long term friends who I mainly keep in touch with via texting and funny videos of animals, but will see when one of them is in town this weekend! It’s not the closest friendship, but its there.
Anon
Yeah, her post made me really sad. I live far away from most of my high school and college friends and don’t have the time, energy or budget for frequent travel so I haven’t been in regular contact with many of them for for a while as we’ve gotten into our 40s. But I still care deeply about them and would love to be more in touch if the opportunity arose. Now I’m worried that they’re all like her and secretly hate me.
anon
I don’t think most people have that attitude. I would be thrilled if an old friend wanted to rekindle our friendship. Especially as we get older, life happens and people’s time is stretched. As long as there wasn’t some big falling out and you genuinely care about each other, why not take the chance? Making friends doesn’t get easier with age; there is a lot of comfort found in people who have known you for a long time, even if your friendship has taken a hiatus.
PolyD
I’ve had friends disappear while they raised their kids (I don’t have kids) and then reach out again as the kids get older and they have more time. It’s fine with me, I’m happy to see them.
Curious
Kids eat a lot of friendship time.
Anon
I make a point to visit when I’m in their city, I text regularly, I organize girls weekends and have annual trips with my closest, I phone chat during my commute. My best restarts have originated with a girls weekend w a few people (like 3 total) and the after effect is an ongoing test chain. I’ve rekindled 20+ year long friendships this way. Other methods are going to visit and then keeping up via text. It all takes effort, it’s not going to just magically happen, but if the connection is there, it’s well worth it.
Anon
I love texting for this reason. It’s an easy way to reach out, but it is also meaningful. I agree with the person above who said to text about something that reminded you of the person. You can say something like, “I was just in the bookstore and saw War & Peace and remembered that summer you decided to read it. Just wanted to reach out and see what’s happening with you. I’m in Chicago now working for a manufacture of packing cubes! How about you?” Just remember that the person may or may not be interested in rekindling, and that’s okay either way! As for how to keep it going— periodic texts, cards, small mail gifts if that’s appropriate. Visits when possible.
Going forward, you just have to put in effort. Friendships are like any other relationship that you have to tend to. I have all my friends’ birthdays on my calendar plus a reminder to send a card. I send holiday cards. I text when I find out they have good news. I also try to keep track of job interviews, important presentations, etc. and I wish them luck and follow up about the good and the bad. When something great happens, I take them out for drinks. Or I invite them to check out that new spot in the neighborhood or the movie I think they’ll like. Just like I do with my boyfriend and my family members. Once you’re talking, texting, or seeing each other enough, you learn these nuggets.
Also importantly, I spend my energy on the relationships that are meaningful or seem like they’re becoming meaningful. Sometimes people get very busy, and that’s fine. But I can tell when they’re busy and actually want to be my friend vs busy and they don’t need extra people right now or just plain don’t value the relationship enough to reciprocate. Sometimes they boomerang back! In the meantime, I focus more on the people who clearly have time and inclination to be friends. There are nuances of course, but that’s my general rule.
Ellen
I agree with Anon, the OP. She is very articulate and smart and her boyfriend is therefore very lucky to have her! If he had any sense, he would propose to her and she should say yes! YAY!!
NYCer
I moved across the country 10+ years ago. I know that this is an unpopular take given the common disdain for talking on the phone, but the friends I have stayed closest with are the friends I talk to on the phone regularly. We text sometimes too, but actual phone calls (mostly made while I am walking to or from work).
For more casual friendships, I think somewhat regular texts are a good way to stay in touch. I also think it is totally fine to reach out to an old friend and just say something along the lines of “Hi, long time no talk. I was thinking about you the other day and wanted to say hi. How are you doing?”
NYCer
I meant to say actual phone calls are key!
Anon
I totally agree. I find texting to be super unsatisfying as a way of catching up with someone you’ve fallen out of touch with, there’s just too much missing. But nobody wants to talk on the phone anymore.
thoughts...
+1
I have found email to be a good compromise. I’m older though.
Every single “reach out” email I have sent out to old friends has been well received. I’m in my 50’s.
Anon
I’m late 30s but I regularly exchange long emails with my closest friends who aren’t local. Agree quick texts here and there don’t fill the hole the same way and none of us really want to talk on the phone, but email lets us really catch up on what’s going on in each other’s lives without the pressure of an instant response.
Anon
A realization I’ve recently had is that most people are bad at maintaining contact with people they don’t see regularly, and if you make an overture it is happily received. As a result, I’ve just made the move even if it’s awkward to text someone and say “hey, I was just thinking about you and miss you! How are things going? Would love to hear what’s up with you.” Everyone has happily responded and usually we’ve rekindled the relationship somewhat (I mean, usually it’s mostly texting but some level of connection).
Anonymous
Yeah I agree. Not long ago, I found some old pictures from law school of a few people I hadn’t spoken to since law school – 14 years ago. I reached out and sent them a copy of the picture. Everyone responded warmly. It was nice to check in!
Anonymous
I’m apparently the outlier here – I talk to some of my best friends only every few years. These are the people who I consider sisters/they truly get me/ level changing friends. Whenever I reach out, even if it’s been years since we spoke, we’re so excited to talk to each other and the conversation flows easily and goes for hours and hours. We have small kids and husbands and we’re all really busy.
It would make me sad if a friend was like “if you haven’t talked to me since a pandemic ago then we’re not friends.” Like, what? But then I doubt we’d have been friends in the first place.
Anonymous
Where do you put your medium term savings? Things that have amorphous plans 5 years from now, for non-down payment purposes.
Anon
Mix of high yield savings and index funds.
Midwesterner
Right now, CD’s, which are getting over 4%. I’d be nervous about stock funds with a 5 year time horizon, but less so with maybe 7-10 years.
Lizbet
US gov’t I-bonds are at 6.89% right now. Google it to get to the US Treasury site. You need to hold them for a minimum of 1 year.
Anon
I don’t have much outside of retirement and college savings, but what I have is in the Capital One 360 high interest savings account. DH’s salary can fluctuate substantially from year to year so I want this money more immediately accessible in case his salary goes down and we want to dip into it. If you’re sure you won’t touch it for 5 years, I-bonds are a good idea. We have some college savings in I-bonds.
Anne-on
As a number of people have recommended buying art for major milestones I thought I’d pick everyone’s brain. My son/husband both dislike art/art galleries (though my husband will humor me while traveling) and would happily live in a house with zero art/curtains/rugs – so all buying/framing/hanging is on me. I prefer slightly more modern art to contrast with our old (1800s) house and more traditional furniture. Unfortunately the local galleries seem to only feature established artists who are way more than I can afford (20k+ for one piece if not more). Any suggestions for smaller galleries online that feature newer artists/limited edition prints/etc.? Or any big name art shows that do online orders where I can sort by price? Any artists you’re loving lately?
Anon
Any photography can be interesting and much less expensive than other types of art. BUT know your space — color, size, etc. all matter. I am good at buying art I love that isn’t quite the art that works in the spaces I have in my house. But you can get something lovely for <$1000 and often <$500, even at places like major art houses and galleries. Your city probably has a place with photography prints for sale.
Anon
Check out Cynthia Coldren – she’s a family friend who has a growing following. I bought a few of her pieces when she did a big sale a few months back, but even full-price she is very affordable and will ship anywhere. She paints on canvas but also paper for something more affordable. If you buy an original painting on a paper and have it framed in a float-mount, it looks very fancy and impressive but way cheaper than buying oil paintings on canvas.
When I first looked at her stuff online, I thought it was not my style (too abstract, too bright), but then I got one small piece (like really small) and got constant compliments on it. The three large pieces now also get compliments all the time. She paints with so many different color schemes that it’s easy to pick something that will really stand out in whatever room it’s for.
Do you have any local art fairs? (Probably have to wait until spring or summer). There’s a lot of cr*p but you can sometimes find gems, and they are almost always affordable.
Anon
I think if you can find a couple of artists you like on Instagram, the algorithm will start suggesting a lot more and you can find things that way. I’ve bought quite a bit of art from artists I’ve discovered in Instagram.
Anonymous
My medium-sized city in the great plains isn’t an art haven, by any stretch, but we still have lots and lots of local art initiatives — everything from art shows all around town, to art organizations, to yearly art fairs, college events, etc. First Friday art walks, etc. I love finding art at these events or places, because they’re usually local artists getting started. Maybe your area has some of these types of events or organizations, that could be a way to find out about lower-priced options instead of the pricey galleries?
Anonymous
If there are nonprofit art spaces in your community, or event arts education organizations, they will often have art auctions or fundraising sales with work donated by local artists that is very affordable.
Anonymous
Also, look for open studio events, MFA thesis shows, shows at nonprofits, and other opportunities to see work by artists who are not represented by commercial galleries. Galleries take 50% generally, so artists selling direct will have much lower prices.
Anon
Have you tried Chairish (after sliding the price range within your scale)?
Anon
Local to me artist I love
https://www.gageopdenbrouw.com/store
Anon
My favorite pub and seemingly all the coffeeshops in my city feature a rotation of pieces on their walls by local artists. Sometimes the works are meh, others I have fallen in love with. Prices are all very, very reasonable compared to galleries. Do any spaces near you have something like this?
Anonymous
Most cities have periodic arts and crafts fairs where you can see a ton of moderately-priced art at one time from many different artists. Research when your city’s fair is and then go and pick out something.
anon
Not online, but some ideas in case you hadn’t already thought of them and have similar institutions were you are:
My city’s art center generally has a section near the classrooms where the art of community members who take classes/make use of studio time display their art, along with the contact details for each artist. The art can be quite good, but I can’t imagine the market is such that this art from good amateurs is all that costly.
A locally owned coffee shop has regular shows of art from local professional artists that is reasonable.
DeepSouth
I just started following Nashville Artist’s Collective on instagram for the same reason — I don’t want $40 prints from big box discount stores, but am not ready to spend 5 figures. Now insta is suggesting lots of local artists for me and I am hoping to see interesting things this way. Your city probably has the same kind of budding artist collective and might be a good way to start exploring.
Anon
I like Whitney Stoddard and Kevin Gillentine and have pieces by both. I also like to follow Charleston Artists’ Collective and Anne Irwin Fine Art on Insta.
Anon
I follow the @CanadaPaintings twitter feed and really like a lot of what they put up there. It’s a good mix of old, young, Indigenous, expensive, not-so-expensive, etc. The artists who are still living often have Instagrams or otherwise do online sales.
Anon
Are there art fairs near you? In my area you can often get very nice original artwork at these shows for much less than you’d pay at a gallery. I.e. tens to hundreds of dollars depending on size and type.
marta
My last day in biglaw is Friday (yay!) and I have two weeks off before starting my new in-house job (double yay!). What should I do to enjoy and get the most out of this time off? I’m in DC, traveling for a few days but will largely be staying in town. Already planning to enjoy some weekday museums and workout classes, and to thoroughly clean my apartment.
DC Inhouse Counsel
Also in DC and recently made the biglaw to inhouse transition. I went to Shenandoah for a few days between and it made me feel really recharged: being out in nature, not really checking my phone, reading a book outside.
PolyD
It’s Restaurant Week in DC – how about lunch at a fancy, usually less affordable restaurant?
Anon
think about when you’ve said “I can’t – work” and do the things. for me, it was to take a kid to a random 1-1 special thing, leisurely lunches with friends who were on leave/not working/worked from home. lame but some errands may be a lot easier to do during business hours!
Cat
this is a great suggestion. Commit to weeknight happy hour at 5:30 and revel in the fact you know you’ll be able to show up!
Ellen
Yes, at least you will have alot more time on your hands once you go in house, since you can just farm out all the tough stuff to outside counsel. Make sure your boss does not chizzel you on the budget, because as you know, outside counsel does not come cheep! But they are worth it because you only have so many hours in the day to go to work, eat, shop, watch TV and sleep!
Pep
I’d take a look at your wardrobe and see if you want/need a few pieces to fill in and take a shopping day or days to leisurely browse through stores while they are less busy mid-week. Treat yourself to a nice lunch out!
Anonymous
Get outside everyday for a few hours at least. Purge an area of your house that takes too much time when you are working. Deal with any medical appointments that are overdue. Buy some fun stationary to start your new job – new notebook or pens? Enjoy!
Anon
Anyone else have Bumble Premium and find a lot of likes recently are coming from dudes in open relationships or looking a threesome? Ugh.
Anonymous
All bumble premium does for me is confirm that the men interested in me are men I would never date. It’s sad and I should cancel it.
Anon
Not me, but a single friend of mine has encountered so many men on the apps that are either in an open relationship or say they will only be in an open relationship that she’s about to give up on apps. Many of these guys don’t disclose this until she’s spent a fair amount of time chatting with them or has even gone on an in-person date or two. And one tried to shame her for being “closed-minded” when she told him – sorry, I am looking for a monogamous relationship and that’s not negotiable.
Anon
Good grief.
Anon
I didn’t have premium, but when I was on bumble I noticed a lot of ENM/open relationship guys (which is why I’m no longer on Bumble lol)
Anonymous
These are two very random questions, so what better place to ask them than an internet board?
First, is the trend in bathrooms in commercial spaces to have super low toilets? My firm just moved to a brand new office (we are the first tenant in this space). Our toilets are exceptionally low, and noticeably lower than they were at our prior office. I stayed in a newly renovated Marriott hotel over the weekend in a major city…..my average height three year old who needs a step stool to use the toilet at home could get on the hotel toilet without a step stool no problem. A newer (opened 2021) restaurant in my city that I’ve been to in the past month also has exceptionally low toilets (agin, they’re they first tenants in this space, so in theory this is a choice they have made for that space). Granted, I am on the taller size (5’9), so I have a preference for taller toilets. However, I was discussing the office toilet height with three female colleagues who are 5’, 5’3 and 5’4 and they all agree that the toilets are super low and would prefer taller ones. Just wondering since I’ve now seen it in multiple newly built places.
Second random question – for those who are runners, do you run on sidewalks or in the street? In taking my kiddo to preschool, I drive through some neighborhood streets and I am often dodging runners who are in the road and weaving between cars parked on the side of the road. The neighborhoods are nice neighborhoods with wide, well maintained side walks, so I don’t understand running in the road. I don’t see a single person running or walking on the sidewalks. The streets I’m driving on are also known cut through streets, especially in light of road work that has made these streets the official detour for the past two years.
Anon
I run on the road. Concrete is noticeably harder than asphalt. If there are wide, flat asphalt sidewalks that are free of random tree roots, holes, etc., I might run on them, but they are harder to find than you think.
Anon
I don’t run, but I walk for exercise, and most runners if not all are also using the sidewalks, not the road.
anon
1. I’m short and have noticed public toilets feel too low. Squatting is supposed to help you go number two though.
2. If the sidewalk is evenly paved, cleared of ice, and there aren’t many pedestrians or dogs then one should run on the sidewalk. I’ve run in the street on occasion because an uneven sidewalk or icy concrete was dangerous. Maybe these runners are rude or maybe they’re ultra concerned about their mile time and don’t want to pause when another pedestrian approaches.
NYCer
Regarding question two…. I run in the park when I am in NYC, so this generally does not apply to me, but when I am in my hometown, I will often run in the street vs. the sidewalk. I find asphalt to be a more forgiving surface than concrete. For context, these are neighborhood streets that are very low traffic and my route is on a street that does not allow parking on the side I run. I am never weaving between parked cars.
Anonymous
Yeah my husband says he can feel the difference between asphalt and concrete. I also run in NYC and run in the park, or on the sidewalk on the way to the park, because I value my life.
edj3
To answer your second question, where I run depends on the state of the sidewalks, the road and current traffic. But I also run around 5AM so traffic is generally not an issue.
Sidewalks are, if the streets even have them (my KC suburb on purpose didn’t put in sidewalks so the area would look like country roads–this was in the mid-1950s).
edj3
Gah hit reply too soon. Sidewalks are often in bad shape, again because my neighborhood was built in the 1950s.
Smokey
I run in my neighborhood and much prefer the street. The asphalt is softer on my knees and there are fewer tree trunks and similar sidewalk issues to contend with. But I remain very aware of traffic and move to the sidewalk whenever a car needs room to pass.
Anon
Pavement doesn’t beat up the legs as badly, and is generally better maintained (including in my city). As a country, we prioritize cars over people, and this is one way it’s very, very obvious. Just because the sidewalks appear well maintained to you from your car doesn’t mean they are, especially in the dark.
lifer
1) I’m really surprised to read this about the toilets! It is true that shorter toilets are better for how our bowels work, but I thought the trend was the opposite…. toilets are supposed to be higher now, which is more accessible for elderly/disabled. They are supposed to be of a height that is easier for folks in a wheelchair to transfer on/off, unless there is a separate handicapped accessible bathroom. But since we have so many individuals with arthritis/chronic disease/ disability/ aging/ obese that prefer a higher toilet etc.. the trend had been toward moving to the higher toilets. I thought!
2) I hate that people run in the street in the urban suburb where I live. Our streets aren’t that wide, there are cars parked on both sides. They often run with headphones. They think they are moving aside in plenty of time for cars but they don’t have eyes behind their heads, are not as focused on the roads as much as they think they are and are not estimating the time it takes cars to move based on their speed. It is really risky behavior. I almost hit a women running at night, in the street, wearing headphones. It was the only time I rolled down the window to let her know because I was so flustered and worried for her. She was so annoyed that she had to take off her headphones to hear me (!) that she swore at me and ran off without even hearing what I was going to say. She had no idea I almost hit her.
Anonymous
I’m the OP and I also thought that the trend was toward higher toilets. The office space we left (which we were the first tenants in, so presumably had some say in stuff like this) was built in 2000. There is a separate handicapped stall, but that toilet is only slightly higher and is definitely shorter than the handicapped toilet in the bathroom at our our old space. But the recent spaces I’ve been where they were designed/built out in the last three years are all shorter toilets. I just couldn’t believe it when my kid got on a the toilet at the hotel by himself, previously he could get on a toilet by himself only with the ones they have at preschool. It’s just weird and I am not a fan of this trend.
Anon
You’re supposed to run on the left side of the road (in countries where you drive on the right) so that you can see traffic coming.
Running
My husband and I run every morning around dawn in our suburban neighborhood. (We wear safety vests and wrist/ankle lights and carry a flashlight.)
We run on the sidewalks. Except when:
– On one route, there is sidewalk only on one side of the road. When someone else is running on the sidewalk, we switch to the non-sidewalk side until we pass each other. This is because my immediate family member contracted COVID from a 5 minute outdoor conversation at about one meter’s distance where the other person was pre-symptomatic, did not yet know he was infected/infectious and neither person was wearing a mask.
– In other instances, we will step off the sidewalk and into the gutter for the same reason until we pass the other runner.
In both cases, we are hyper-aware of cars/safety until we get back on the sidewalk.
Anonymous
Around 50 cm is a good height for accessability.
My guess for some of the super low ones, is that floor was laid after toilet installation, and that they forgot to take floor height into account.
Anonymous
Does anyone have advice for finding and using contractors for various smaller house projects? It is taking quite a bit of time and effort to find painters, electricians, carpenters, etc. for small projects and then deal with scheduling. I am sure they can make far more money working on larger projects which I completely understand.
Anon
This difficulty is much lamented on r/homeimprovement. You either need to pay much more than the job is worth, or find a reliable, experienced handyman (many are even licensed) who doesn’t mind smaller jobs. And when you find that unicorn handyman, hang on to them for dear life – be agreeable and accommodating and do everything to make them want to come back.
lifer
+1
I asked our neighbors until we found our incredibly experienced handyman. He is …. like 70 years old and knows how to fix everything and he is so active/healthy he stays “young”. He takes his time, and does everything right, and doesn’t take a job he doesn’t think he can do. He can do everything from install a completely new kitchen to figure out how to keep your basement from flooding and install/build a new drainage system…. and…. fix your leaky faucet.
But he charges $60/hour, takes his time, always charges for a bit more time than you think he used (!), and is booked up for months. And you worship the ground he walks on.
Anonymous
Ha. This is literally my dad’s retirement business. And his rates, which I have talked to him about…:)
Anon
Good for him! It will keep him healthy/young. It is great for the body and mind. Thinking through all of the different problems, the physical activity… so great for your health.
But it worries me when our handyman says … “sure, I can go up on the roof to check the if you have an obstruction in your vent….”… Don’t let your Dad do that!!!!
Anon
If you don’t mind another birthday post, read on. I’m not the same poster as the one a few weeks ago.
I have a small friend group with one person in it who makes a big huge deal about her birthday. It’s fine. We arrange a lunch or a dinner, we buy gifts, we have a nice time feting her.
The problem is that she doesn’t reciprocate. I recently had a birthday and she sent me a text three days late. No lunch. No presents.
I’m fine with no lunch or no present in a vacuum (I don’t expect anything from friends in other groups) but the grinch in me doesn’t want to do a thing about her birthdays anymore. I think it might end the friendship if I drop the ball, and I think I’m ok with that at this point.
Am I being petty? What would you do?
Anon
I see that you are friends with my sister.
Anon
I’d use my words and say I want reciprocity! Text the group with a birthday countdown and actively plan for the whole group. Alternatively, plan your own event. I love my birthday and have hosted a brunch with my closest friends for it for years (hosted as in I pay for everything and it’s no gifts just come and have fun). There’s so much behind birthdays for some people too. Is your friend single and the others paired up? Maybe she doesn’t think you need an event. Just talk about it and put your desires out there. People aren’t mind readers.
Anon
So I have to arrange a party for her and also a party for me? Where’s the reciprocity?
Anonymous
I mean if you just don’t like her don’t be her friend. And if you’re bitter about doing stuff for her stop.
Anon
+1. You obviously hate this girl and don’t want to do anything for her. So 1) stop being close friends and 2) stop investing or doing anything for her.
Anon
I don’t hate her. I hate this aspect.
Anon
Nooooo, those are alternative ideas. You could either ask for what you want or plan what you want.
Anonymous
A couple questions:
– When you say she “makes a big deal” about her b’day, what does this mean? Does it mean she starts talking up plans for her b’day? Is it possible she likes doing things on her b’day but does not expect gifts, etc?
– What about the rest of the friends in the group? It sounds like “we have enough time feting her”– so what happens with these people on their b’days? Since “the group” arranged your friend’s event, shouldn’t “the group” arrange yours as well?
This really could be a case of everyone things someone else has the ball, until they don’t. It could also be the case that you have a selfish friend.
You said if YOU drop the ball it will end the friendship. Is there a middle ground? If you are the organizer here, can you say sometihng like “new year new plan. Let’s celebrate our b’days quarterly.” or ” This year’s July 4th b’day bash will also be a celebration of Friend A, B, and C’s b’days.”
Senior Attorney
Sounds like you answered you own question: You don’t want to do anything for her birthday any more, and if that ends the friendship you’re okay with that.
Anon
This! Sounds like you don’t mind, or necessarily enjoy, doing things for her bday but would hope a friend would reciprocate the effort. She’s not that friend. She seems to only want to do things for her bday and expects others to make a big deal about it. Stop going out of your way for her bday. Send her a text, make an excuse for the dinner and then ball is in her court.
Anon
Thanks. You’re both right.
I think I’m more hurt than mad, but it’s time to recognize that this friendship has been pretty one-sided.
Anon
I ended a friendship last year where I felt like I had given, and given, and given, and never got anything in return. Case in point, I arranged a spa day and party for my friend’s 40th birthday, at considerable time and expense, but when mine came along, I got a text message – three days late. That’s one example of several I could share where there was a clear giver-taker dynamic happening that I didn’t realize until very late in the game. Just drop your end of the rope – no more birthday planning – and see what happens.
Anon
A thought: a group text, perhaps a month or two before birthday girl’s next BD: “I have noticed that we seem to celebrate some people’s birthdays far more vigorously than others, which can be hurtful. What does everyone think of foregoing individual celebrations and gifts?”
lifer
Nope, not petty.
In those situations, I don’t buy a present for that person anymore. And they know, when they don’t get a present, exactly why. They have no shame, but they know. If someone else organizes a birthday dinner/lunch for her, sure I’ll go! I just don’t organize those things.
Japan trip recs?
I am thinking about planning my first trip to Japan this year and am looking for thoughts on how many days to stay and where to go as a solo traveler.
Should I spend more than 4 days in Tokyo? I think the train to Kyoto is the next step, but any other cities I should consider? I have heard mixed things about Osaka. And how long in Kyoto sounds right? Finally, I am leaning toward going in May (I need a fun trip on the horizon), but I don’t know if either weather or cultural events mean I should plan for later in the year.
Thanks!
Anon
I think 4 days in Tokyo is enough but I’m not a city person in general. 3-4 days in Kyoto probably? May is a great time to go.
Anonymous
Train to Kyoto is amazingly easy. You want at least 2 days in Kyoto, preferably 3. Kyoto is one of my favorite places I’ve ever visited!
Hazel
I loved my time in Osaka. We stayed near Kuromon Market, which was ridiculously fun to walk through and a great place to get food and snacks, and planned excursions every day — Osaka Castle, the Osaka Museum of Housing and Living (a recreated Edo-era neighborhood you can walk through!), the Osaka Museum of Oriental Ceramics which was one of my favorites.
We stayed overnight in Nara on our way to Kyoto — I LOVED visiting the deer park, the temple, and the various shrines; we also had a tasting at a sake distillery which was super fun. We splurged on the Asukasou Ryokan here and I can HIGHLY recommend it — lovely tatami rooms, an AMAZING multicourse dinner & breakfast (with fresh tofu made at your table), and a private open-air bath. Walking distance to everything in Nara. HIGHLY recommended.
Four days in Kyoto also gave us time to see all the major things we wanted (Kinkakuji, Fushimi Inari, Gion, plus lots of smaller temples, gardens, and shrines etc). Plan one major site per day and then do some exploring in the area! Some of my favorite experiences were just wandering down alleys. This was also the place where we did a tour with Tours By Locals (whom I think Senior Attorney had recommended) — we went on a temples & gardens tour with a very enthusiastic guy named Kenji who spoke excellent English, took us to four or five temples we’d never have seen, arranged for a private tea at one shrine, taught us to use the bus system, and finally showed us to one of his favorite restaurants serving traditional Kyoto-style food. (We paid for his meal and a big tip too — he was superb.)
I was there in late October/early November, which was a great time for autumn leaves, but we did have one day of heavy rain in Osaka. You should have good weather in May!
Anon
I did something similar, with two nights at a ryokan with hot spring pools in the Mt Fuji area in between, and it was great. I found Tokyo disappointing in that it seemed much more like other large cities, but I absolutely loved Kyoto and wish I had spent more time there — but I loved walking the old streets, visiting temples and gardens, and the food. If I was doing this trip again I would do 2 full days in Tokyo, 2 nights at an inn in the countryside somewhere picturesque, and as many days in Kyoto as possible.
Kyoto
If you can, try to schedule your trip during cherry blossom season and go to Kyoto then.
Also recommend, no matter when you are in Kyoto, staying in a Ryokan at least one night. The level of service and attention to detail is enviable, the food is fantastic and the baths/steam room/tub spa area are great.
On a cherry blossom picnic, I had a single-serve convenience sake: instead of a can, it came in a glass cup/jar with a foil top covered by a plastic top. Very cool packaging.
Anon
Japan is really expensive to visit during cherry blossom, and things book up really far in advance. Maybe not so much this year with pandemic-related uncertainty, but normally January is pretty late to be planning a cherry blossom trip. Personally, I would specifically avoid that season because I don’t think seeing some pretty flowers is worth all the higher prices and crowds when there are cherry blossoms in the US and you’re going all the way to Japan. But YMMV.
Japan trip recs?
I appreciate all the thoughts. I might try for fewer days in Tokyo and stressing my adventures around. and thanks for the thoughts on the pros and cons of cherry blossom season.
TokyoRette
How long is your total trip? If one week, 2-3 days in Tokyo is enough. If longer and you are a city person, 4 is perfect.
In addition to Kyoto, I recommend Hiroshima. In May, I also recommend visiting the Japanese Alps. Hida-Takayama is beautiful.
Weather in May is great, but don’t come here during the Golden Week holidays. All of Japan will be traveling. It will be insane. Come just after Golden Week, prices and crowds will be back to normal.
ALT
I am having a problem with a colleague at work and I need a gut check on if I’m being too sensitive or not.
We both are in what roughly equates to an admin assistant role. They’ve been with the company ~8 months longer than I have (I started in November) and is the senior admin assistant to a team of 6 while I’m in the more junior role. They are supposed to be training me on how to do all of our processes and procedures, but due to a variety of things, hasn’t been training me so it’s been done by other people in a similar role on different teams. I’ve been handling one main part of things since November and now feel comfortable enough with that part to take on more of the role’s responsibilities.
My colleague will NOT give any of the work up and will not train me on how to do the other facets of the role. They are taking on the vast majority of work supporting 6 people and won’t let me help because “there isn’t time to explain how to do things”, when the end goal is that we will each be supporting 3 people and splitting work evenly.
I’ve asked the team that I support to give me more work and they agree that I can take on more, but Colleague jumps in on emails and will take it over before I can even figure out what’s needing to be done. I’m getting frustrated and feel like I’m not being seen as a team player even though I’ve asked to take on more work.
Any ideas here? I’m getting really discouraged.
Monday
I assume there’s an admin manager, who is your boss and also hers? I’d go to that person and describe the issue, including her taking over your assignments and not training you as planned. It sounds like your colleague is trying to protect her turf or maintain her importance, which I have seen before.
Anonymous
Anyone have a favorite zipper portfolio/padfolio? Any suggestions in leather?
Curious
Walnut, thinking of you. I still have a job. Hope that you and yours are also landing ok today.
Anon
Favorite hacks for looking expensive?
Mine are:
1) Neutral, solid colors in luxe fabrics
2) Polished haircut
3) Delicate jewelry
Beans
All black outfit with a leopard shoe.
Agree on the delicate jewelry. I have small emerald, aquamarine and diamond studs that I wear a lot.
Good but minimal make-up.
Short and buffed nails with neutral color.
Non-logo bag.
Lily
I don’t actually do all these things, but these are things that make me think someone is “expensive”:
*Short-ish, well-shaped nails with healthy cuticles and a neutral-ish polish.
*Hair that looks like they put thought into styling it; if gray, then all gray and nicely styled, if not, then no gray roots, dark roots with blond hair, etc.
* A balance between on-trend and classic shoes, in good condition, that fit their feet properly and that they can walk in without looking absurd.
*well-tailored clothes, not tight, but not baggy. Not faded, no pet hair, mix of on-trend and classic pieces.
*no obvious logos
Anon
Currently, my nails look like I cut them with office scissors, my earrings are delicate because these are the only ones I can sleep in, and the amount of pet hair on my clothes is matched by an equal amount of streaky, gray hair that I shed continuously. I clearly look like exactly what I am.
anon
When I was interviewing at law firms, I used to take special note of whether the associates had clean nails or whether they were cut with scissors or torn to different lengths! I saw far more of the latter than the former.
Anon
I don’t think jewelry has to be delicate. I am large-framed and delicate jewelry doesn’t “go” with my shape. But all of my jewelry is real. I wear a lot of interesting pearls.
I do think “bling” looks fake though, even if it’s not. I particularly hate blingy sunglasses and handbags. And appliques on clothing.
Head to toe obvious branding is what people to to try to look wealthy, but is not what actual wealthy people do.
Trish
And. . . my favorite bag is a blingy white tote with all the MKs all over it. I just think the bag is pretty even though I have always stayed away from that logo look.
Anon
Ugh… that bag is my nightmare!
anon
My hack is that clothes that fit properly, even if from a cheaper brand, look more intentional than poorly fitting luxe brands.
And, relatedly, the right bra is essential. I had this realization last week that all my bras were bought pre-COVID which means they are well past their natural life. Putting on a new one that fit properly was like hearing angels sing!
anon
– Wear several pieces in the same neutral color but different fabrics. Like a cream knit sweater with a cream wool coat and a cream cashmere scarf
– Short nails with unchipped polish
– Sleek shoes with a bit of a heel. I love my combat boots but they don’t scream “heiress”
– Being able to function elegantly with your accessories. You don’t want a big puffy coat that limits your arm movement or a huge purse you have to dig through to find your wallet
Curious
What is a sleek shoe? Are they always leather?
anon
In my southern city, your #3 would be “delicate jewelry except for your engagement ring, which should be the size of a small moon.”
anon
I find this a very interesting question because it assumes we have a shared understanding of what it means to “look expensive.”
highlander
OP asked for favorite hacks for looking expensive. What are yours?
Anon
If by “look expensive,” we mean “look like a wealthy person who isn’t trying to telegraph it,” my best hack is “shop at LLBean.”
Senior Attorney
I just joined a community organization where a plurality of the other members don’t seem to work for money, and I was amazed at the first meeting — it was the first time I’d encountered the whole “LLBean” thing up close in the wild.
Anon
White teeth