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Suit of the Week: ASOS

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Washable Black Suit: ASOS Black Crepe SuitFor busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. ASOS is a trove that, admittedly, I haven't explored as much as I should. They have a TON of products, and it's very easy to take a few quick looks around and walk away feeling intimidated in that “this store is only for free-spirited college girls” kind of way. Still: I like to check them every so often, and I think I've finally been worn down, because this more casual cigarette pants and blazer combo looks lovely. I'm intrigued to see that they have three different lengths in the pants (they also come in plus sizes), and that both the pants and the blazer are machine washable. (Who knew?) The set also comes in other colors like light blue and a salmon pink. The blazer (ASOS Slim Tailored Jacket In Crepe) is $68, and the pants (ASOS Ankle Grazer Cigarette Pants in Crepe) are $46. (L-5)

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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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251 Comments

  1. What do you do when your SO completely disengages from your relationship?

    Went on a disastrous family trip (his family, not mine) and ended up in a hate-hate relationship with his sister, whom I might add is 14 years his senior and much more like a hovering, opinionated parental figure than a sibling. She has decided that I am not a “good fit” for her brother and has been incessantly influencing and suggesting this to him for the past 2 months. We have had several arguments stemming from this and it is clear to me that she is driving a lot of his newfound concerns and opinions that he never had before (1.5 years in).

    Note: we live together and his elderly parents love me, but he worships his sister and her opinion seems to become his own opinion if she suggests it.

    Our relationship has done a 180. Went from talking wedding plans and engagement to barely talking at all. We’re cordial and nice, but it’s disengaged. No affection, no warmth, not even I love you’s anymore. We’re practically roommates. Since this family trip, he has said he is now ambivalent about us, unsure of how he feels, unsure if we are truly compatible and that when he thinks back over the past 1.5 years, he saw all the signs but was “too in love” to realize it until now it’s been made apparent.

    What do I do? Love him to pieces and silently dying on the inside because this is so wrong and so manipulative. I also can’t understand how we’re talking marriage and babies in June and splitting up in August.

    1. I’m so sorry. I would cut your losses now. Having doubts about the relationship is one thing (although the fact that it seems to largely come from his sister is certainly a red flag in terms of how he prioritizes you vs. his family), but he should be able to talk about those doubts with you in an open and honest way. Withholding affection, suddenly refusing to say “I love you” etc. is never ok. You deserve much better than this guy.

    2. You break up.

      I was there. He returned my stuff in a box and never spoke to me again. It sucked. Until 6 months later. And now I’m just real glad I’m not stuck dealing with his mother for a life time.

      Do you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Whose opinions change on the whims of his family?

      1. I agree with this wholeheartedly. My father’s family was like this to my mum and she has suffered alot in her marriage. It is better to deal with the hurt in the short term than to have to endure this for a lifetime

    3. Break up.

      I’m sorry, but it sucks. You really don’t want to spend the rest of your life with a man who prioritises his sister’s opinion to this degree. Cut your losses and get out, and find an actual adult with a spine and a brain of his own.

      1. UGH. So not what I wanted to hear. For context, I’m 36, he is 39 and up until this insanity, we have grown the relationship to a blissful state. His sister used to like me a lot and thought I was “the one” for him, until she changed her mind and has gone on a mission to change his mind, too. He has pushed back on her several times (I read his texts- I know! That’s bad!) — and asked her to please be supportive because I am the woman he loves. I believe that only made her up the ante and really keep pressing the issue. In turn, we’ve been arguing a TON which only pushes him away because he is the non-confrontational type.

        I wish there was a way to salvage this… He is truly the man I prayed for in all ways except this!

        1. I mean it’s on him really? Lay it out! I thought we were great together, and now you are distant and think we aren’t compatible, so why are we together?

          1. I did. We’ve been in a rough patch of constantly arguing. Finally, we had a convo during which he told me the bit about feeling like coming home lately was like going into a war zone, that there is no peace between us, that he would rather stay at work all night AND that he is ambivalent and indifferent about us and no longer sees the woman he was so in love with when he looks at me. It was a rough conversation.

            Net Net: He said he wanted to “pretend” everything was normal and hopefully it will all get back to normal again. And that he just wanted to stop arguing about it all.

          2. When he tells you he doesn’t love you, listen. Make your plans, and move out.

          4. It sounds like he is waiting for you to do the hard thing and break up with him. He’s giving you every reason to do it, but he’s not willing to do it himself.

            You don’t want this guy. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t excited to be with you and is avoiding coming home.

          5. +1 to AnonA. I’ll add that in my experience, it’s never the “outside forces” that on the surface appear to be poisoning the mind of the SO out of nowhere. The family member/friend is usually picking up on something from your partner and responding to it, and the partner is still in denial and feels they have to mount a half-hearted defense (thus the “please be supportive”). I’m sorry you’re going through this because it absolutely sucks, but it will suck worse the longer you hold on. Let go now and let the healing begin.

        2. I’m kind of concerned about this –> “He is truly the man I prayed for in all ways except this!”

          “This” is actually a massive problem, not with his sister, but with him. He’s so weak-minded, so non-confrontational, that he’s essentially allowing his older sister to bully him into removing himself from a relationship that was previously “blissful”… I mean, come on. And honestly, I’m skeptical of your “blissful state” description, because frankly, that sounds exactly zero percent like real life to me in a real long-term relationship. What I suspect is that what’s really happening here is that he’s a supremely conflict-avoidant people-pleaser, which made everything seem all sparkly and “blissful” when the person he was trying to please was you, and is making everything awful now that the person he’s trying to please is not you.

          His sister would be a complete non-issue if he had an opinion of his own and even half a spine, but he doesn’t – that is an understandably painful thing to learn about someone you saw a future with, but why on earth would you ever want to try to salvage anything from this mess now that you know that about him? So he can just do this to you again when his sister doesn’t agree about what house you two should buy, or what wedding venue you should pick, or how many kids you should have, or what you should name said kids? Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope.

          1. “What I suspect is that what’s really happening here is that he’s a supremely conflict-avoidant people-pleaser, which made everything seem all sparkly and “blissful” when the person he was trying to please was you, and is making everything awful now that the person he’s trying to please is not you. ”

            I also suspect this. I was in that relationship — ending it SUCKED. He was incredibly non-confrontational and refused to admit, despite my several attempts to clearly address his weird distance, that anything was wrong until I ended it. He unloaded on me about all of his thoughts on the myriad ways in which I was a terrible person afterwards, further convincing me that I had made the right decision. It sounds to me like this guy is not very good at communicating, and you don’t deserve that.

    4. I just had lunch with a friend whose husband is endlessly devoted to his mother and sister, despite the fact that they are noxious human beings who do not respect my friend’s relationship with Husband. Husband has made it clear that he will prioritize his mother and sister’s needs (financial, emotional). It’s causing (and has caused for a while) substantial strain on their relationship. Not saying that this will be the rest of your life if you manage to stay together, but there is a strong possibility that this will not be your last hurdle WRT sister. Later it will be bigger things like caring for ailing parents, financially supporting family members, etc.

      I’m sorry. This is an awful, sad situation.

      1. Right. A lot of this is already happening. His parents are ailing, he is the most “successful” financially of the siblings, so a lot of expenses are on his shoulders. Prior to moving in with me, he lived with the parents (multi-family home) and therefore was on-call for all the house chores (trash, doctor’s appts, home repairs, etc.). Things started getting tense with the sister as soon as he moved in with me and “abandoned” his parents. Then, suddenly, I became the force who was trying to “take him away” from his family. The family trip was the nail in the coffin and happened a month after he moved in.

        FWIW, the sister has never married, no BF or SO, no children and nothing in her life besides her job (academia) and fussing over her little brother (my SO).

        I am so saddened by all of this.

        1. There’s a lot going on here.

          As one taking care of ailing parents…. Which is hard, heartbreaking, financially messy and fraught with stress…. the idea of my SO yelling at me and fighting openly with my family would be beyond… Shocking.

          You know how they say about conflicts….. There’s what he said, and what she said and the truth….

          You have mentioned a lot about fighting and yelling…. Obviously there’s a little bit on your end too, no?

          People have families. Many families are complicated, and can’t be locked in a closet. Only you can decide what works for you.

          What happened? Was an ultimatum given? Something is not right….

          1. Nowhere did I say I fought openly (or covertly) with his family. I have never had an issue directly with his sister. She has decided to form a negative opinion of me as soon as his time and attention started to be split between his new home (with me) and his family. I actually have never crossed words with her whatsoever and his parents love me.

        2. Does he recognize that the reason he’s in conflict with his family is because he’s acting like an independent adult for the first time? If he doesn’t get that, if he’s content to blame you rather than recognize that this is part of being a real grown up, then you need to move on.

          I’ve gone through something similar with two very conflict averse guys. My ex was living with his parents “to save for a down payment” (he wasn’t actually saving) and basically blamed me for “making” him move out and actually have responsibilities. He couldn’t handle being an adult/having his mom guilt him about not being around as much and I was an easy scapegoat. I ended it.

          My current BF was the perpetually-single party guy of his friend group. His friends got super angry when he stopped spending every waking moment with them because he was dating someone (hi) for the first time since high school. Everyone in his life was so anti-us that we very nearly broke up. I think what clicked for him was the fact that it would’ve been the same with anyone he dated. He recognized that his friends didn’t dislike me as a person, they disliked him spending time with a GF. BF had to cut out a lot of the main instigators for a couple of years and seriously scale it back with a lot of others. He’s lost some friends. His remaining friends are respectful of our relationship now, but it’s been a very long, painful process for everyone involved.

          1. This situation is completely different.

            The OPs SO was living independently in the same multi family home and was essentially is parents’ caregiver. To leave that is a huge disruption of the family. Of course it is his right, but it is a big adjustment for everyone. The family is now going to be very unstable for awhile, and certainly his sibs are probably struggling with their new roles.

            Complaining during the one week family vacation and asking your SO to leave his family again, in such close proximity to his moving out is a bit…. Insensitive.

          2. Nope it’s the same. Multifamily home is just a nice word for codependency and not growing up.

          3. It appears that the family isn’t from the US though, so the norms are different in this situation.

          4. Obviously you guys have never been caregivers.

            That’s what I thought the OP was implying with all the “elderly” comments, taking parents to MD appointments. No?

            Signed,
            A sister with nothing in her life but her job (ouch OP) and caregiving for parents (one deceased now, other on the way).

          5. My ex was born in the US but his parents grew up in a culture where it’s very common to have multiple generations in the home. When the last adult child moves out, yes, there is a big adjustment period. My ex’s family was never nasty to me, but my ex totally resented me. OP’s BF, like my ex, isn’t taking responsibility for the disruption. He should be saying, I moved in with my GF because this is the life I want, now let’s figure out a solution to make sure my family is taken care of. Instead, he’s scapegoating OP because it’s easier to blame her than admit that what he wants in life has the effect of making life more difficult on his family.

    5. I’d ask to do counseling before you break up. Someone familiar with John Gottman’s work. Set a timeline for improvement (1-2 months) and stick with it. He needs to set some hard boundaries with his sister and be protective of your relationship. If he is not willingly to severely limit his relationship with his sister to protect you, then end it. End it before you have kids and you’re stuck with a connection to him and SIL for the rest of your life.

      Signed,
      Stuck with 3 kids in a mediocre marriage with a MIL who openly hates me and an SO who is unwillingly to cut her off

        1. Thanks. I know there are always choices but it’s the least worst choice right now. DH is a great dad in almost all areas but not protective of kids with his mom who has a history of rough physical discipline, I don’t trust him not to leave them alone with her and they are not old enough to talk much yet and say what has happened. I wouldn’t be able get full custody because I have no way of proving my concerns about her because they are based on DH disclosing re his childhood in a foreign country which he would not be honest about if it meant getting shared custody. So stuck with the least worst choice for a while. May reconsider my options when they are older school age.

    6. In my mind a lot of this hinges on whether he can articulate why he’s having these feelings. Is he giving you concrete examples of your incompatibilities? Then OK, you have something to talk about. He has concerns, regardless of where they came from, and they need to be addressed. If he’s giving you vague answers, though, there’s not a whole lot you can do. It’s been 2 months since the trip, if I’m reading that correctly, and that’s more than enough time to let him process his feelings about it. You might have to stop waiting around for him to rip off the band-aid.

    7. So FWIW, my ex disengaged from our relationship and I picked up on the distance but not the reason. We fought a lot and things were kinda terrible for the last few weeks of our relationship. One morning, I asked him what I thought was a benign question and he admitted he had been distancing himself because he wasn’t sure anymore. basically the exact same conversation you had with your SO.

      I can tell you I’m much better off and I’m happier being single and doing my own thing than feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him.

    8. I suspect that this is really coming from him and not his sister. My guess is he has told him family either that he has doubts about the relationship and/or said things about you that paint you in a not very flattering light (that you’ve been reading his texts, perhaps?). Unless you, like, got drunk and ran over his sister’s dog, I’m having a hard time figuring out what would independently make her go from cordial to you and supportive (or at least neutral) about the relationship to actively campaigning to get him to end the relationship. Since you don’t mention anything you’ve done to make the sister dislike you, the easiest and most likely explanation is that she’s responding to things her brother has said. (And I don’t think the fact that he has defended you to them at times means he can’t also have led them down this path. It’s pretty common for someone who wants out of a relationship to tell their family negative things about their SO but then push back when the family repeats the negative things or tells the person to end the relationship. Sort of like how I’m find b!tching about my parents, but if anyone else says anything bad about them I get defensive.)

      1. This is exactly what happened on the family trip. Long story short, I expected the trip would go one way and in fact it was all about staying in the house and watching the elderly father. There was no AC, no fan and intermittent electricity in their home (foreign country) and I was getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, sweltering and basically sitting in a hot house for 7 days. I expressed my discomfort to him and suggested maybe we take a little break and go to a beach for a night or two or stay in a hotel. He began to complain about me to the sister and how I was uncomfortable at the house which then turned into “oh, so she thinks she’s better than us or more high class than us?” and “she is too much of a princess and wants all the comfort and attention to be about her” and ultimately “she isn’t willing to help you with our father so this is not the woman for you.”.

        1. And also… “we need to be the priority right now — not your girlfriend. She’s just a girlfriend, but we are your family and we were here first and will be here after she’s gone, too.”

          That is the source of issues with the sister.

        2. Did you apologize? I get your side, but proposing leaving his elderly fathers home, on a trip to his impoverished home country, to go to a beach resort for a break from the reality of his family, isn’t great? I get it- not what you planned, kinda a lot. But I get her point too. This is his reality. If you’re not up for it, you aren’t the woman for him.

          2. Imo it’s perfectly acceptable and normal to say to your SO, this is a lot for me and I need a break. It would not be OK for her to say that to the family, but she didn’t say it to the family. BF shouldn’t have thrown her under the bus.

          3. Yeah, no sorry, I disagree with this. It’s one thing if she pranced around turning up her nose at everything (which it doesn’t sound like she did). But what I see here is she basically tried to suck it up until it was unbearable, then the bf decided that he would rather his beloved suffer than stick up for her in any way. I just cannot fathom myself ever wanting my husband to suffer in any way, regardless of the consequences.

          4. I have to respectfully disagree as it sounds like she had no idea that was what the trip was about. If she had known going in and then wanted to bail, well, maybe that would be fair. If it was planned to be a visit home to spend some time with his family, the idea of going off on their own for a few days, particularly if she is from another country where she is unused to those conditions (which is sounds like she is), is hardly an unreasonable request. OP, I don’t think you need to apologize, but I do think you need to break up.

          5. I agree with Anon at 4:32. I also think this additional background changes things. He’s clearly from a culture that’s more family-centric than yours is, and it sounds like he actually may have realized this on the trip and isn’t being brainwashed by his sister. He should be communicating with you about this better, but with the additional background his actions make a lot more sense. He didn’t just wake up one day and go from talking marriage to questioning the relationship because his sister sent him some nasty texts about you. Something happened that made him change his perspective on you, and that’s kind of understandable.

          6. Er, this detail on the family “vacation” rather changes my perception of what’s possibly going on here.

            It sounds like there was some miscommunication about what the “vacation” was about and what you were going to be doing, and your reaction rubbed his family the wrong way, perhaps justifiably. If you knew where you were going, did you really not know that intermittent electricity and no AC were going to be issues? Or that you needed serious bugspray?

          7. @BB oh c’mon princess. “Suffer in any way”?!? Because no AC and bugs for a week?

            I’m not saying I don’t get her viewpoint, but if she can’t see that she played an active role in this and apologize for that, this isn’t just a sister problem.

          8. I don’t think OP necessarily did anything wrong on the vacation (that situation sounds miserable to me too, quite frankly!), but I also think this is very different than what was originally presented, which led me to believe she and her BF were blissfully happy until his sister interfered. They may have been blissfully happy until this vacation, but it sounds like he saw a side of the OP he doesn’t like on the vacation and is having his own doubts about the relationship, and those doubts aren’t planted by the sister. I’m not saying her disapproval isn’t a contributing factor but it doesn’t sound like he’s head over heels in love with OP, but his family is turning him against her. He has his own doubts now and at most the family is compounding those doubts.

          9. @Anonymous

            If my significant other had willingly put himself in a bad situation for a week for my benefit, but at the end of the week came to me and said “hey, I was totally happy to do this for you, but I’m really at a limit here,” I think I’d listen (or at least not complain about it!?). And by the way, I’m allowing for the fact that we all have different limits. I wouldn’t last 2 days with AC and bugs (bad mosquito allergy), but you can throw me in an igloo without heating for 2 weeks. Either way, shouldn’t matter once your SO says “sorry, I’ve had enough.” Maybe I’m wrong, but it doesn’t sound like she was complaining all week.

          10. @BB. You’re right. It’s a fundamental values difference. Not in a pejorative sense, but you value your SO’s comfort. And he valued spending time with his elderly father and family.

            If she can’t figure out a way to apologize for not getting that, while also figuring out a way to have the situation work for next time, there is no hope.

          11. I was certainly not complaining the entire time. I complained to him once in private and suggested a short break from all the chaos. His response was to tell me that “this is his family and it is what it is” and proceed to vent to the sister about how I was unhappy with their living standards.

            A few weeks after all of this, I did write a lengthy and heartfelt apology to the sister after being given the silent treatment and having the door slammed a few times while visiting their parents. I just wanted to end the tension and apologized for any slight she may have felt and asked to move forward in peace for the sake of her dear brother’s happiness. (Again- I never actually had a confrontation w her of any sort, ever). We had a 2 hour convo during which she unloaded and vented at me pretty aggressively and blamed me for the rift between her and her brother. I didn’t push back. I just kept apologizing.

            We are supposed to be “fine” but I do know she is still encouraging him to end things because I am just “a bad fit”.

          12. However unfairly he’s managing the conflict, it does sound like he may have been hurt. I say this because I’ve had some conflict with my SO over creature comforts when staying with his family, and I now regret ever bringing up the hotel option. They maintain a standard of living that I don’t want to experience on the rare opportunity we are able to travel together–but it’s also a home where he was happy, supported, and loved. And I also don’t want to deprive him of the love and support of family members who aren’t so taken with me. I really don’t know how it would work if he were the caretaker for his parents. From my perspective, this kind of cultural and personal difference takes serious on-going effort to work on and through.

          13. Yeah, I kind of agree that maybe you and he were on totally different wavelengths here.

            I can empathize a bit with your boyfriend. I am very close to my family, but due to my parents health issues, my demanding job, and the long distance, I get to see them once every 1-2 years. They live in a pretty rural area and there isn’t much to do- when I visit I’m basically content to sit around catching up, maybe having a bonfire, help with the gardening and the chickens, maybe make some preserves or bake some bread and really mostly just hang around telling stories and appreciating my parents (especially now that I know they won’t be around forever).

            My boyfriend is very urban and gets very bored. He is also into clean eating and doesn’t like most of what they eat. It does change the dynamic a lot to have him there, but I plan to marry him and want him to know my family.

            However, the first couple of times that he came, he suggested that we go into the city for a couple of days or go to a sporting event at an adjacent city- he was probably going stir crazy and just wanted a break! However, for me, that was the one week in 2 years that I get to see my parents. I understand that its a lot for him to hang out in this environment for a week, but I need him not to pull me away or make further demands on me when this time is so incredibly precious to me.

            The compromise we’ve come to is that he comes for 3 days or so, and I go for the week and enjoy the rare, wonderful time I get with my family- and he is a good sport and helps pull potatoes and harvest honey for a few days and then goes back to urban life.

            I know its not quite the same but I empathize with your partner here… I also got really upset when I felt like my boyfriend was reducing my already rare and incredibly precious time with my my family just because he was bored and uncomfortable. It was just a failure of communication but it made me wonder how he could *not get* how important this time was to me.

        3. You seem…. out of touch. You are visiting an elderly in-law in a foreign country. For one week. Get a grip.

          When we visit my elderly father, yes… It is not rainbows and sunshine, but you really do sound a bit self centered. Sometimes spending time with family, cooking for them, walking with them, … that is showing caring and love for your new family. Complaining and asking to move into a hotel after a few days is pretty rough…. And now I picture you screaming on top of this. Just….uh.

          Your distaste for his family is jumping off the page.

          Break up.

        4. This sounds quite a lot like a bit of a culture clash of the kind where you will *never* come out on top. I know it is hard, but get out now. You are going to be miserable otherwise and life is so so short.

          2. ………….yea. The man I dated for four years (my longest and strongest relationship) was the child of parents who came to the US when they were in their 20s from a very family-centric, conservative culture. They categorically did not approve of him dating me because I am white/ American. It took 3+ years for me to get to their house for dinner. We were pretty young (early 20’s) and maybe they’ve changed, who knows. But it sucked. If any of this resonates with you, then ask yourself if you want your whole life like this. It doesn’t matter if it’s “fair” or “right” or whose “fault” it is. All that matters is whether you can handle that outcome.

    9. I hate to sound harsh but I think it’s something you need to hear: He’s already told you he’s out of this relationship. You’ve already broken up, but you’re just not getting it yet. Pack up and move on. You deserve someone who will be into you, where there’s not even a hint of having to convince them to be. Truly look at the big picture here. Even if you try to talk your way into making this drag on longer, it’s not going to miraculously become what it once was. Maybe you guys were good for dating, but he’s clearly feeling that long-term commitment isn’t right. That’s OK. It doesn’t make either of you bad people, but you need to really listen when he says he’s not feeling like you’re compatible (whether you feel differently doesn’t matter, you both need to feel it). And stop blaming the sister. Chances are that he’s venting to her about being unhappy, and that’s why she’s become a looming force now. He’s clearly not raving about you as a couple and how happy he is, as he’s now told you as much himself. It’s hard to face sometimes, but people have a right to change their mind and grow. That’s what dating is–it’s learning more about someone to see whether it has the stuff to make it for the long haul. There’s going to be far more misses than hits when you look at it that way. And you know what, a miss is OK. Just cut your losses now before this starts to eat at your ego and all sense of what’s healthy in a relationship. The more this goes on like this, the more you’re going to lose touch with the way you SHOULD be treated. This is all hard to hear, but it’s said with concern. The more you’re lingering with the wrong match, the harder it becomes to see what you need in the right one.

    10. Stop having sex with this jerk now. You do not need that bad taste in your mouth (literally and figuratively ) from a douche who lets his sister run his life.

  2. Ladies, sorry to start with a TJ, but I need some ideas. My BFF was recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of brea$t cancer. We’re late 30’s, so this is pretty unexpected especially since she doesn’t have any family history. I have a newborn baby at home, so I’m not in a position to travel to see her yet. I’m trying to be supportive from afar.

    Aside from checking in via phone, text, email; I’ve been trying to send her some pick-me-ups. Last week I sent her flowers which arrived the day before she had a test to get confirmation of the extent of the cancer. She’s having outpatient surgery on Friday to remove the tumor, and I have scheduled an Instacart delivery of prepared foods I know she’ll like to arrive Saturday morning (she is a little worried about looking after herself this weekend).

    Beyond this, any other ideas on things I can do for her and how best to be supportive would be appreciated. After her surgery she is definitely going to be having radiation therapy, and she may also need to do chemotherapy depending on test results that aren’t back yet. For some context, she is not married and doesn’t have kids, but she may be facing a decision to take medication to go into early menopause after this surgery to make her treatments more effective…it absolutely sucks that she needs to make this life-altering decision on such short notice. Her parents live close to her, but she’s finding them sometimes to be overbearing instead of supportive. She also has a great BF, but he can’t be with her all the time since he has 50% custody of his kids and lives maybe 40 minutes away from her. Most of her closest friends are not local to where she lives I guess I’m sharing all of this since if I were her, I think I would want people around me most of the time (not necessarily talking about my health), and it’s killing me that I feel like she’s spending a lot of time alone.

        1. If she has one, find out if you can book extra sessions – like even light cleaning in the off-weeks or something. Esp. if she’s spending more time at home, it can get messier. And she’d probably appreciate help with dishes, laundry, etc.

      2. Also, if she ends up having chemo, get her a big warm blanket to take for treatments. I got one from LL Bean for my friend who went through chemo and she mentioned a few times that it was a great thing to have.

    2. You’re being a great friend. I think the food and flower deliveries are all good idea. Another idea would be sending people to help with household chores – cleaning, laundry, lawn-mowing (if she has a yard), etc. You’d probably need to coordinate this with her so these people could come at a convenient time.
      fwiw, I’m an introvert and if I were going through something like this, I would rather have several close friends checking in on me from afar regularly via text and email than having my house filled with people, especially people I don’t know that well. So it may not be such a bad thing that she’s physically alone some of the time, so long as her friends are reminding her that they’re thinking of her, which it sounds like you definitely are! I hope the surgery goes well and she’s on the road to recovery very soon.

    3. Be there to listen. I’m the “other half” of a person in your friend’s shoes. . . there isn’t much help I can ask for except for help going to appts and for the emotional support we need on a constant basis.

      1. I know I’m late for this (dang time difference) but I just wanted to say that I hear you – living abroad is awesome 90% of the time, but being far away for stuff like this sucks. I think you’ve gotten some great ideas so far, one more would be a really pretty silk scarf (or 2 or 3) for the point when/if she starts losing her hair. And check-ins, not only to ask how she is doing but also to tell her funny things and talk about something else besides cancer. Your friend is lucky to have you.

  3. A fun question for a slow afternoon over where I am – how many pairs of shoes do you have at work? Do you feel like you have enough variety, too much clutter, or….?

    I have 8 pairs – two flats (black and a color), low black wedges, high black heels, nude for me heels, and three heels in a color or print. I feel like I have too many in terms of the space that they take up, but there isn’t a pair that doesn’t spark joy and that I don’t wear regularly (in the appropriate season, for some of them).

    1. Lol I have 25-30. Some are season specific (peep toes, suede high heeled booties). they are organized in a filing drawer. I have a walking commute so most of my nice shoes live at the office.

        1. Me too! Maybe more, to be honest. Plus possibly two or three times more at home…hence my screen name :)

    2. None. I don’t have much of a commute (10 min drive) so my shoes are all at home.

    4. Just 2. I keep a pair of black and beige heels in case I get called into an important meeting. Otherwise, I wear flats.

    5. One on my feet, one in my office, two in my car. (But the job is temp and casual. In my permanent office job I had like 10 at work).

    6. 2, purple flats and black mini-wedges. At my last job I had maybe 20, but now my commute is different so I carry my shoes with me in my bag normally.

    7. I just keep a pair of walking shoes in a bottom desk drawer for warm days when I feel like taking a walk outside at lunchtime.

    8. I have 2 flat shoes (black and brown), 1 brown heel MaryJane, 1 black short heel oxfords, and 1 adidas white classic sneakers.
      I tend to wear a pair of shoes a lot then move to another rotating. I wear the white sneakers when I work from home office.

    9. Ha. I missed the “at work” part of this question. I have 2 pairs at work in a drawer (nude heels and black slingbacks). I come in comfy shoes and change into one of these. I have an additional 4-5 at home so max 8 overall (including slippers).

  4. Does anyone have sandwich filling ideas, preferably vegetarian? I’m getting rather sick of my standard scrambled-eggs-in-a-tortilla and would like to try something different.

      1. Hummus egg salad is pretty tasty – it’s regular egg salad, but instead of mayo use hummus. Easy as that.

    2. Mozzarella and tomato and spinach. You can put red or green pesto on the insides of the bread to jazz it up a little.

    3. I’ve just googled “hummus sandwich” and found a HuffPost link with a bunch of yummy recipes.

    6. This little deli near my work used to have the best veggie sandwich. It had pesto mayo, provolone or swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, sprouts, and avocado. It was on really grainy wheat bread and was sooo good! I also like Portobello mushroom sandwiches. Sometimes I put marinara sauce and mozzarella on them.

      1. I recommend adding sliced green apples this this^ veggie sandwich recipe. My go-to!

    7. Peanut butter and pickle. It’s not terribly sophisticated, but is yummy. I actually like to PB in a tortilla shell and then wrap around the pickle, so as to avoid the need to cut it into planks.

      I am not pregnant. This was a dad thing in my family.

      1. I mean this with love, but that is the weirdest sandwich combination I have ever heard of.

        Although I have had a peanut butter bacon sandwich, and it was amazing, so hey, maybe pickles are awesome.

      2. My family is southern. I grew up in Jersey City eating:

        PB and honey
        PB and banana (bananas sliced across the banana, not lengthwise)
        PB, honey, and banana

        They also love mayonaise-based things (e.g., pimento cheese, egg salad, etc.) that are vegetarian, but they don’t pack well in lunchboxes in the pre-icepack days.

        1. My family isn’t Southern at all but those were my three go-to childhood sandwiches too (and, um, maybe still)! PB and banana was supposedly an Elvis favorite I think?

    9. Arugula, roasted red pepper, and avocado. Could add some sliced hard-boiled eggs or tofu for protein too!

  5. Bachelor in Paradise! Having seen only the first episode of this week –
    1. I do NOT remember Josh being so skeevy looking on Andi’s season. Did I just miss that?
    2. Carly talking about kissing Evan was everything.
    3. Leah? Ugh.
    4. I get that Nick is objectively a good looking guy; however, either he or the edit of his behavior has been fairly unflattering for at least two seasons of this show and its bretheren. I am really curious about what his in-person energy is like. Because one woman after another keeps falling for him. What is his deal?! Inquiring minds want to know…..

    1. YES. I remember not disliking Josh? And he was SO TERRIBLE last night that it made me wonder how I could have been so off. Carly is always hilarious. Leah was unrecognizable and also horrible. I like Nick– I think he’s funny, and I think he cares a lot about people. He seems open and willing to be vulnerable, which is, I think, refreshing on the show where so many people “have walls up” about everything. This all seems reflective of how others react to him– think about his instant BFF situation with the girls when watching Chad. I also think he’s super attractive, so that doesn’t hurt…

    2. WARNING! This might have spoilers. I can’t remember which was Monday night’s episode and which was last night’s.

      I remember thinking neither Nick nor Josh was a good pick for Andi, but I definitely actively disliked Nick more on that season. And on Kaitlin’s season. This time he didn’t bother me until he started acting like a twit when Josh showed up again. But honestly… Amanda? I am not trying to sl-t-shame anyone, but it is tacky as h3ll to incessantly make out with someone else in front of a guy you just went on a date with (or for an audience in general). Is she trolling? Josh is probably trolling, but I don’t think Amanda is clever enough. Also, her squeaky voice makes me cringe so hard.

      I want to be Carly’s friend. Her hair is awful, but her personality is great. I would have refused that whole hottest kiss thing, though, on both pepper and Evan grounds.

      I have loved Daniel ever since he told Chad to be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini, but his commentary is even better in Paradise.

      I cannot stand Sarah. I guess I’m the only one.

      Leah … sweetie. I just can’t even with the lips and the looking for Chad. (And, if we want to go back farther, the attempt to throw Lauren B under the bus and the denial even though there was video evidence that obviously was going to end up on national television.)

      1. Can't help it, I love the Bachelor franchise, even though the concepts go against every fiber of my feminist being! says:

        Surely Leah’s looking for Chad was just a quest for more airtime/publicity, right? She really looked awful. So much cuter before she did whatever she did to her face…

        Also, Carly is hilarious. But seriously, what is going on with her hair? Is that a style choice?

      2. I think the producers and camera people are goading on Nick about Josh/Amanda- he repeatedly said during the episode that he wanted to move on and doesnt care that much about it.

    3. Ew, I’m finally watching the second episode this week. Josh is just so gross. And Sad Nick walking the surf while Josh & Amanda were on their date was pretty cheesy, even by BiP standards.
      I want to be friends with Carly. Drinking margs and watching Bachelor shows with Carly should be a thing. Aw, but, her hair isn’t thaaaaaat bad, is it? Or is it?
      I like Daniel more, now free of being “friends” (or whatever) with Chad. And agreed – he’s much funnier than I thought on the Bachelorette, but also a lot weirder.

  6. Threadjack….I’m in Florida and I know it’s swampy and humid and bugs are a thing BUT I STILL HATE ROACHES. My neatfreak husband keeps our apartment impeccable and our building sprays regularly, but it’s Florida, so bugs still encroach.

    After a major rainstorm, I always wake up to find one ENORMOUS roach just chilling on the bathroom floor, usually already dead from all the chemicals we spray in there, and every time I go running crying to my husband (I realize this is not a normal response, but roaches are one of my only fears).

    When we got married, we made a deal; if any snakes or lizards came into the apartment, I would deal with them. If any crazy bugs came in, he would deal with them.

    Well last night I had to wake up to go to the bathroom, and I was half asleep, AND A ROACH FLEW AT MY FACE. It was awful and I screamed and went on Amazon Now and ordered a gallon of professional-grade roach spray, these hanging roach repellants and some kind of noise thing that it supposed to be annoying to roaches.

    If I ever see one again, I’m buying a giant lizard and setting it free in the bathroom to eat all the bugs.

    I feel like this is a completely rational response.

    I’m done now.

          2. No. “Palmetto bugs” are just another way of saying roach. Stop trying to upmarket them (South Carolina, I’m looking at you).

          3. Palmetto bugs are worse than regular roaches though. The roaches in NYC just crawl. The ones in the south FLY. So I think people use that term to distinguish them from the regular roach. But I agree with you that it is way too cute-sounding for a horribly disgusting, evil thing.

          4. +1 to the terminology. Floridian here. A roach does not fly. A palmetto bug flies. It is definitely not an attempt to make roaches sound more fetching :)

          5. What Palmetto bugs are the worst said! Definitely gross, definitely huge roaches that fly. Ew1

          6. And really palmetto bugs are worse – they’re like roaches who gained super powers.

            I have one of my cats solely because I was fostering it and learned it was an ace palmetto bug hunter (old south fl house, there was no avoiding them). Would stalk them for hours if that’s what it took. None got past her. I will care for her until she is ancient and toothless as payment :) We’ve since moved back north and I think she misses it.

          7. I encountered a giant flying roach in NYC one night. Like the giant waterbed with wings. That is the stuff of nightmares. Freaked my cat out too. If I weren’t afraid of lizards I’d totally go for that solution!

        2. There is a time and place for deep breathing, and then there is a time and place for poison. When it comes to roaches, I vote poison. Or a giant lizard. That is a viable option. All hail the lizard king.

          1. We use the Combat traps especially for Roaches and they have been awesome. Highly recommend.

    2. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but I just laughed so hard I cried.

      I lived alone in south Georgia for a while, and when one of those horrifying giant roaches would get into my apartment, I would vacuum them up, because I couldn’t force myself to get close enough to them to kill them. I chose not to think about what happened once they were inside the vacuum. I was so terrified of them. UGH.

      1. In DC we had a stink bug epidemic one year, and I vacuumed two of them. Then I didn’t use the vacuum again for several weeks!

      2. When my husband was traveling and I had to deal with one on my own, I literally shut the bathroom door and stood on the other side crying and trying to work up the courage to go in there.

        I took a Swiffer sweeper with me, and began stabbing it while screaming DIE DIE DIE. When it stopped moving, I sprayed it with bleach, just to make sure it was really dead. Then I stood there dancing from foot to foot trying to work up the courage to pick it up with a wad of paper towels. I couldn’t even flush it or put it in the trash because it freaked me out, so I threw the whole wadded up towel out the window.

        My neighbor called the police and reported violence in my apartment because she overheard me screaming “DIE!” repeatedly.

        3. OMG I just laughed so hard I nearly choked!!
          Sorry you had to go through that but thanks for the laughs :)

          1. Even reflecting on it I know it was funny, but at the time, it all made complete rational sense. And if were to happen again, I know I’d act the same darned way.

        5. You are in good company with the guy in Europe (forget which country) that made international news. He was alternating between yelling die! in a strong male voice and screaming “like a girl” (I normally hate that phrase but the point is his voice sounded female when he was screaming) that neighbor’s called 911 or the equivalent. The dispatch tapes were in the news and it really sounds like two different people. The police came and didn’t believe he was home alone. They searched his place and found his kitchen trashed. He explained he had an irrational fear of spiders and had been trying to kill it. He’d muster the courage and then when it would move he’d freak out.

        6. My town also had a lady in the news that had called the police for a large milk snake that found its way into her home. The police said that they couldn’t assist and suggested she try fish and game or some private wildlife removal company. About 20 minutes later she called back and requested an ambulance because she had tried to remove it herself and thought she was now having a heart attack. Meanwhile, someone from the animal shelter helped her get the snake out and she was able to call back and call off the ambulance realizing she just had a particularly bad panic attack.

        7. LOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL

        9. KT, I feel your pain. I live in South Carolina and once had a giant palmetto bug appear while I was on the phone with my mother. I chased it around the apartment with a fly swatter in one hand, the phone in the other, screaming at the top of my lungs “I’m gonna kill you if it’s the last thing I ever do!” Once it was dead my mom suggested I go tell the neighbors what was up because she was afraid they would call the police.

    3. I’m with you on the irrational fear of roaches. I’m ok with everything else creepy and crawly, but roaches? Big nope. I won’t even pick up dead ones with a paper towel–I get the vacuum hose and vacuum from a safe distant, just in case it’s not really dead. Because fun terrifying fact: cockroaches can live for like a week with no head. That X-Files episode with the roaches? Can’t watch it. The scene in Men in Black where Will Smith is stepping on roaches? Cringe in disgust. Ugh.

    4. I will join you in your hating of roaches. When I was a kid and my parents were stationed (military) in the deep south, I asked a neighbor how she got a huge bruise on her arm. She told me a roach bit her. Two weeks later, as I was attempting to fall asleep, a roach fell into my bed while it was attempting to cross the ceiling. (I was maybe 6 or 7 at the time.) To this day, I despise those things with an illogical passion. I now live in New England.

    5. Roaches are the worst. I would totally buy a pet lizard in your shoes (but make sure the pesticides are cleaned up beforehand because if the lizard eats a poisoned roach, it might die too!)

    6. I grew up in Florida and never got over my fear of roaches. Whether a city has a lot of roaches ended up being a significant consideration when I was last choosing a new city. A lot of Floridians are just not bothered by roaches because they have seen so many of them – I’m jealous, since my fear just grew.

    7. Thankfully, given where I live, I am not afraid of roaches. I once found a roach swimming in my coffee cup, which I had left with a little water in it when I left for work. And it wasn’t dead. There was a snake on my back porch last week. Totally freaked out my landlady, who wanted to call someone to remove it (it was harmless and long gone). She was hyperventilating over it. But I draw the line at rats. In my old apartment (big old house on St. Charles), I once woke to hear a rat eating through the sheetrock ceiling of the pantry. Total nightmare.

      1. Houston native — I hate roaches, but can deal. Mice and rats though? NOPE.

        Possibly outing myself, but I went to law school in NYC, and once when I returned from 3 weeks out of town for Christmas vacation I returned home to find my bed covered in mouse poop UNDER THE COMFORTER and I flipped the eff out. Where I had previously been all “Oh I’ll just use these humane catch and release traps, I don’t want to hurt any animals!” after that I was all, “WHERE DO I BUY THE POISON AT?!”

        2. My DH’s parents had a mouse infestation at one point. We opened up the sofa bed to discover that they’d not only been using the sheets for a home, they’d chewed on the sofa itself to pull stuffing out to make nests. I washed all the sheets & then vacuumed the sofa itself. Once the exterminator was sure all the mice were gone, my FIL called an upholstery shop to have them come out to re-stuff the sofa and sew a vermin-resistant shield over the bottom & back.

          BTW: the cat was nearly useless. The final counts were snap traps got 32, the dining room light fixture got 2 (they apparently died of thirst), and the cat got 1. And she refused to kill it, whining at FIL until he took it away from her and killed it.

    8. This is why I live in Minnesota. -30F temps – no problem. Keeps the bugs out.

      We actually had a state-wide emerald ash bore infestation (kills off ash trees, so not a big visible bug) substantially reduced by an abnormally cold winter a few years back.

    9. I once had a giant roach in my very very expensive handbag and if the handbag had been even one less very, I would have thrown it away immediately.

      2. OMG. I will never look at my handbag the same way again. Beware of GIANT ROACH!!!

    10. I share your hatred of bugs. When I lived in Texas, I had a huge yard but never used it because there were so many huge creepy crawlies.

    11. I vote giant lizard. And/or flamethrower.
      I went from Colorado (where at least the wildlife is big enough to not get into your house, bar some crazy raccoons) to Georgia (ALL THE EVIL BUGS ALL OVER THE PLACE) four years ago and while I can squash most things and will catch-and-release spiders because hey, they eat the other bugs, roaches are still a giant NOPE.

      Although I think the worst is still the morning I woke up to discover that a particularly industrious spider had built a web across my front door, at face height, overnight. I stopped myself about six inches before walking face first into said web.

    12. Can you actually do that? Get a lizard and give it free rein in the house? Because that is totally what I’d do if I had roaches. I cannot abide insects, and roaches would send me around the bend.

      Mice don’t bother me, though. Maybe because I grew up in the “country” and we always had them sneaking in. Not that I let them have free rein in my house – I trap and toss when I see “evidence” that they’re in.

      1. Growing up, my dad kept a bunch of snakes. We were in a part of town where everybody knew everybody’s business, and my dad was known as the weird guy who kept snakes. Every now and again, someone would dump reptiles at our door, I guess because they got too big.

        We once heard a knock and went out to find a four-foot lizard in a trash bag. She turned out to be the greatest pet. Litter box trained, came when called, loved to snuggle, and she had freedom to run all over the house. She was an excellent bug and mouse catcher.

      2. There is a dude who lives in my neighborhood who has iguanas who are constantly escaping. He posts on NextDoor about it and it always cracks me up. They must have free roam of the house and be crafty little suckers!

    13. My husband thought he might have to move to Hawaii for work and it was serious enough that we started looking for housing and a job for me in Honolulu. Every single apartment or condo building we found had issues with roaches and our realtor said it’s just a fact of life there and you will have them no matter how clean your place is and how often you spray chemicals. I have such severe roach-phobia that I was seriously considering having a long-distance marriage until my DH could get transferred back to the mainland. Fortunately we didn’t have to go in the end. My friends thought I was crazy for not wanting to move to Hawaii but I couldn’t get past the roach thing.

      1. I don’t have much of a desire to visit Hawaii (and sadly, some other cool places in the world) because of this! Roach phobias – sigh.

    14. Grew up in Florida. The giant, hairy, jumpy spiders that would hide in my walk-in closet and launch themselves from somewhere (shudder) while I didn’t have shoes are were the worst for me. The screams! The panic! And they were always HUGE and needed several whacks with a heavy shoe.

      I feel for you, KT!

      1. Seriously, Florida and Australia are places I would never ever live – everything seems to be trying to kill you.

    15. This is terrifying and also a totally rational response. In another life, my first internship in college as an ecology major was working for an insecticide company producing cockroach bait traps. The only way to test effectiveness of the product is with live roaches – multiple strains (the small ones and the large ones). The first time I walked into the insect lab, I almost fainted. I double gowned, double gloved, and face masked every time I entered, and still never got used to working with them. Doubly horrific was the knowledge I learned about roaches: only way to be fully sure they are dead (even after ingesting insecticide) is to either crush them or freeze them at -20*C for at least three days. Studies have shown that roaches can survive insecticide + 48 hours in deep freeze temperatures and then come alive again. <>

      1. O M G this was the best thread ever, I was seriously crying laughing and trying to be quiet in my open-floor office this morning. The stories of 911 being called…the best. <3

  7. On a less-bug-related note….

    One of my best friends, who I have known since I was 4, just lost her dad, very suddenly. She’s also 8.5 months pregnant. My heart just aches for her. I make offers to cook her casseroles, clean, do laundry, errands, pet care, whatever, and of course she says no, and I feel so weird just stopping in to do things for her when she’s not only still working, very uncomfortably pregnant and grieving.

    I’ve sent gifts from her registry for the baby, but I want to do something else for her….any suggestions? I’m having a mental block because of wanting to console and wanting to celebrate her baby.

    1. When my FIL died, DH’s best friend showed up to my MIL’s house with gallons of publix tea, some breakfast foods/snack foods and some paper products (plates, napkins, etc). It was perfect. No one wanted to eat anything heavy and not having to worry about cleanup was great too.
      In a longer term view, do you have any memories about her dad or pictures that you can share with her? Those would be nice for her and her child to have down the road when she’s telling her child about granddad.

      2. I cannot echo the comment re: memories strongly enough. If you have any memories of her father, write them down for her so that she and her child can remember down the line. [And preferably not in a card about grief.] Funny stories, idiosyncrasies, or anything else will be greatly appreciated down the line.

    3. Send food. I went through something similar after I had my baby and when people offered food I declined it to be polite. A few people just dropped it off or had it delivered and it was a God send and SO appreciated. If they really don’t want it they can re-gift it.

      1. This. Don’t offer, just send. Have it delivered when you know she’ll be home, or at the worst put it in a cooler and leave on her front porch right before she gets home in the evening and text her it’s there. Often times I’ve heard of people will put coolers on their porch at times like this after loss specifically for food to be dropped off.

      2. disagree on this. When my fake mom died, we received so much food that pretty much my full time job was dealing with all of the food. It was so kind, but completely out of control. Our house was crazy with food everywhere.

    4. When the man who was like a father to me passed away suddenly this February, I showed up at his family’s house with a ton of necessities that make it easier to deal with a bunch people in and out of your house that you just don’t have the energy to deal with buying — stuff like toilet paper, paper plates, dish detergent, and trash bags. It was very gratefully received.

      1. Ooh, this is a good idea. Not food but these essentials. With a spouse in the hospital, I find I’m eating there or grabbing fast food all the time, but to not run out of toilet paper or other essentials at home is a big deal.

        Don’t forget the pets too. .. not having to run home to feed them, or stocking up on their food, would be great.

        1. we got lots of tea and snacks in this situation which I thought was genius, every time people came to pay their condolences, they had tea and I guess wanted snacks so it was great that someone replenished those supplies.

    5. When my father died the thing that stands out most to me were the friends who were not ‘afraid’ to reach out to me. I had one friend who consistently called and checked in on me or invited me out to events. She was never afraid that she was encroaching on my space or contacting me at a bad time. She was just persistent.

    6. I was 6 months pregnant when my father died very suddenly – totally healthy and fine on the Friday, dead by Sunday. It was extremely challenging because of the conflicting emotions. I received a massage gift certificate from a group of other pregnant mums which was amazing because I was focusing so much on other people (my other child, my mum, my siblings), it gave me a chance to pause and remember that there was a baby coming! My daughter’s birth was pretty emotional but also so special. I would offer as much support as you can during the newborn days/weeks/months because lack of sleep was like the worst type of grief all over again, I was so overtired and over-subscribed in my family, that I couldn’t deal with anything! #winning Food was great in the immediate aftermath but SO SO helpful after the baby was born too.

  8. I have a dream job interview tomorrow and have had a nightmare schedule the past month with no time to prep. I’m in biglaw as a patent litigator and the hours and lifestyle is killing me. I’m interviewing with a judge for a clerk position with the ITC tomorrow. I’ve never interviewed for a position like this, what do I need to know? I’ve heard that federal job interviews are really different and less conversational. I love the IP world but can no longer put in 14 days for weeks at a time. I’m hoping this job will let me be engaged in meaningful IP work and still let me tuck my daughter into bed at night. Any tips from the hive? And wish me luck!

    1. If you only have a small amount of time to prepare, I would take some notes mentally or on paper about the projects you have worked on. You will probably be asked a lot about past work experience, and it is good to think back about some work that you have done that may be relevant. Good luck!

    2. Have you practiced in the ITC? If not, you might seek out a friend who has or at least review the ITC rules online. As I’m sure you know, it’s pretty different than federal court and I can imagine them wanting to talk about procedure a bit. Just like for a district court clerkship, I would assume you should review your potential judge’s recent opinions. Good luck! A friend went to a similar position at the ITC and is really happy (and is working way less than she did in Big Law).

      1. Thanks so much! Do I mention that one of my major motivations for the job is the lifestyle? Is it generally understood already since many have made the transition?

        1. No.

          And on that note: Are you positive of the hours that the judge keeps? Each judge generally sets his or her own hours and those of his/her law clerks. As a result, some clerkships are 9-5 and others are 8-8.

          1. This. Mine was 8-7, some weekends.

            Often the judge will have a reputation for long hours, but still, do NOT emphasize work/life balance. My judge would have empathized with the desire to spend time with your family but also would have been concerned that you weren’t prepared to take the work as seriously as he did.

            One Friday evening he asked me if I had a certain draft order ready for him to look at, I said no, and he leaned his head against the door jamb in despair because he “wanted to dig into it this weekend.”

        2. Do NOT say anything about lifestyle. Lots of judges and gov’t ppl generally get insulted if you say they don’t work long hours. Plus do you know anything about this chambers? While my clerkship (fed but not ITC) was 8-6 pm with 1 weekend worked in an entire yr, there were others in my same district who routinely worked late night and weekends. It’s presumptuous to think that all clerkships will be strictly 9-5.

        3. Even in jobs where its understood and expected you’re doing it for the work-life balance, it’s not something I would say explicitly in an interview. I’m also not sure that the majority of people who clerk at the ITC are doing it for work-life balance. So, no, I wouldn’t say anything about lifestyle in the interview.

      2. different federal branch, but generally at my agency it is understood, and it’s cause for concern if someone flags lifestyle as a reason for wanting a job. we want people to come for the interesting and challenging work, and the lifestyle is a benefit of doing that work.

    3. If you only have a few hrs to prep substantively (and I think you should find a few hrs even if it ends up messing up your current work – bc you can’t go in cold): (i) know your resume, line by line; (ii) look up this judge and know what opinions he’s published lately/what cases he’s worked on; (iii) look up ITC procedure generally.

      And then be able to speak to why you want the job. And have questions ready to go in case it turns into 5 min of the judge asking you questions and then turning to you to ask the questions to lead the interview.

      And clerkship interviews — just realize that judges can ask ANYTHING, so you’re not thrown by it. Judges can/sometimes do ask about your family, your background/high school/childhood — i.e. real life things that would never ever come up in a biglaw interview in a million yrs.

    1. That should be a simple fix with little pliers. You can buy those for a few bucks at all crafting stores.

      1. I thought of that, but, as far as I can tell, the little links don’t just bend apart (and the broken ones were immediately lost). I think I would need some sort of link to add to hold it together.

        1. You can always ask a jeweler what it would cost and then do it if they’re affordable. You could put in new links but you’d want to make sure they matched and that sounds like a hassle.

        2. If you bring the necklace with you to the craft store, you can probably buy matching links.

  10. I’m in the process of selling my car for a move overseas. It’s my first car so I have not done this before. It is in good shape drives well etc. I am wondering how to list the shortcomings it has though. There’s some rust on on an area above the passenger side wheel, common problem with Hondas. Also the check engine light is on, I had this checked and it has to do with the emissions system, something fixable but I am not currently in the position to do so. I’m in the mid-west in a state where emissions testing is not required. I would like a fair price for the vehicle just not sure what language to use when describing these defects. I have already checked blue book value, how much “cushion” should one put into the listing price because I assume every interested buyer will want to bargain? Anything else I should know about selling a used car, list it below. Thanks!

    1. You car is in not great shape. I don’t think you should list anywhere close to blue book value. Honestly, I’d just go to Cars.com or a dealer trade in. Zero interest in becoming a used car sales rep.

      1. I asked this because I know it’s not at blue book value and was not planning to list at that either. I just want to know how to be as upfront as possible in the ad so people do not think they are being lied to.

      2. Blue Book and Edmunds give estimates for Excellent, good, fair, and poor conditions, which is helpful as a guide.
        OP, I think just listing what you said here would be most helpful.

    2. I would just put what you put here–a little rust above the wheel and that the check engine light is on and indicated this problem. Then I would discount from your asking price the cost of repair for the check engine light issue and then a little more for the rust.

    3. I had a great experience with AutoTrader–similar to “We Buy Any Car” but they pay better and are bigger up north.

      My husband had a weird niche car that no one wanted to buy privately, and when we went to trade it in, they offered us thousands below Kelly Blue Book.

      You can get a quote online and take it to an AutoTrader location, and they’ll look over the car; if what you entered in the quote matches their evaluation (ours did. The guy went “Yup, car is in excellent shape, just like you said”) and wrote us a check on the spot for the exact quote we had been given online, which was average KBB.

      It was much easier than dealing with private sellers, having to make multiple appointments to show it, etc. We had it evaluated and sold in under an hour.

    4. Carmax will make you an offer that’s good for seven days. It might be worth finding out what they’d give you as you set a price.

      1. I did a whole post on my Autotrader experience, but it went to moderation for some reason.

        But yes, Carmax, AutoTrader and We Buy Any Car can actually be really helpful when you need to sell a car that needs some work and you don’t want to deal with private sales.

      2. How old is your car? If older than 5 years or very high mileage, CarMax will realistically be offering you pennies for it. You’re likely better off with a private sale in that case. No reason to think that you can’t list it on Craigslist (I’ve done that) and I would describe just as you did here – list the make, model, year, mileage, whether it’s been in any accidents, and any known cosmetic or maintenance issues, then a price. Photos help a lot (both of the car, and of cosmetic issues you are mentioning.) As others said above, do a KBB for it to see what you might get and be prepared to give a bit given the maintenance issues.

        1. I sold a car on Craigslist and described it the same way. Pictures of everything, including the damage. Did you get anything in writing from the mechanic about the check engine light? If not, the buyer might want to have it checked out for themselves. I’m not sure of the best way to handle those logistics though.

        2. My car was ten years old, and I was very happy with the money Carmax gave me for it. I was also happy with how easy it was to do

  11. This is late in the day, but – what gym bags do people use? I tried searching the archives, and it looks like Kat recommends LeSportSac which… seems a bit dated or something? I’m also not looking to go Lo & Sons because of price (unless it’s a hands-down favorite). I think I also associate the OMG with someone’s work bag, and I have a nice leather bag I use for my laptop, etc. I really am looking for a gym-specific bag.

    3. I use a lululemon gym back or a backpack. The Hershel ones are cute. Target has a lot of zip top tote bags that could work as well.

    5. I bought the Everest gym bag on Amazon and really like it (I wasn’t willing to spend more than $30 on a gym bag). It has a wet pocket that works really well for shower shoes and also has an internal divider for clean and dirty clothes and pockets to keep soap or weight gloves in.

    6. I use an old Lands’ End canvas tote that I think my great aunt got me over 20 years ago. It might not be the most stylish bag, but it’s roomy, lightweight, durable, and I can toss it in the washing machine.

      Fwiw, I go to the gym in the morning, so I need to bring my work clothes, shower essentials (including towel and washcloth), and makeup to the gym, and then my damp towel and sweaty gym clothes sit in the bag in my car all day. Machine washable is pretty much #1 on my priority list.

    8. I’ve had the Gaiam’s Everything Fits gym bag for four years now and it’s held up great. Just big enough and has a shoe compartment and a bungee for a yoga mat. The design is nice-looking without being too gym bag-ish.

  12. On the advice of KT, I’m looking at switching back to a paper planner. Anyone have any recommendations? I think this has come up recently but I can’t find the thread, so if someone can point me to it I’ll take a look.

    I don’t have a ton of appointments, but when I do they are really all over the time spectrum, which is a little hard to find in planners if I remember correctly. I do have daily goals/tasks but also a lot of back burner type things that I’d like to keep track of and work on when I can. The back burner type things is where my current system of iCal for appointments and Reminders app for specific time-sensitive things is falling apart.

    Side note, on the recommendation of people here, I just got the Lo & Sons OG as my new carry on bag. I was really reluctant to spend the money but after ordering and returning a few others I just went for it. I’d never really looked at it before but it is like my previous carry on bag that I loved but was lacking a strap to attach to my suitcase. I’ll be taking it on a trip in a few weeks and I’m super excited to try it out. Seems like it will be perfect although I still wish it weren’t so expensive!

    1. Since this is the result of my own crazy system…highly recommend Levengers/Rollabinds/Staples’ Arc versions.

      They come in different sizes, and pages can be added/removed, along with dividers, pockets, tabs, etc.

      The first half of mine is a planner with sheets I bought off of Etsy. The second half is for notes, reminders–I use the little post-it flags and color code things (pink is things I need to buy, blue is conversations I need to follow up on, etc).

      I love that I can move dividers, and the pockets are great for storing receipts or business cards.. I don’t go anywhere without my Levenger.

      1. Oh, and because I’m a crazy person, if there’s something OMG I MUST REMEMBER–like a major appointment, speaking engagement, or a really really cool idea, I take a picture and save it with Evernote.

        Evernote and Wunderlist are my backups to the paper copy, but handwriting things helps me remember things better.

        1. The starter kit is inexpensive, and you can add accessories as you get into a system—if you want a full list of all the nonsense that is in mine, let me know and I’ll email you Sydney :)

          http://amzn.to/2aZKmkK

      2. I use a levenger for my big picture/back burner stuff, a Day Designer for my daily schedule, and a moleskine for my to do lists. (And I use Google Keep and Evernote).

        1. That’s a lot of things! Ideally I want something all in one place.

          I do have a moleskine-like notebook that I was using as a bullet journal but it hasn’t really been working for me. It has turned into more of a place for just random notes and quotes that I come across.

          I’ll check all these out though. Thanks for the ideas everyone.

          1. Yeah, I find the process of writing things down to be really centering and keeps me focused. I leave the planned on my desk all the time, the levenger on my desk during the week, and only take the moleskine in my purse.

          2. Ah that makes sense. I couldn’t figure out how to carry around all those things at once!

        2. I have a moleskine taskmaster diary (I love it!!) and the professional notebook for project planning.

      3. Ditto to Circa/Arc mashup. My calendar pages are Levenger because you can not beat their paper, but my covers and accessories are ARC, because price. My disks are the Circa aluminum ones, which are dreamy. Office Depot just started carrying a line called TUL, which looks like it would fit, but I haven’t tried it and my local store had displays but not actual stock. I have a junior size for my calendar and house/kid/personal life stuff and a letter size for work.

    2. A bullet journal could serve all these needs since it can be customized however you want. The Leuchtturm 1917 is a nice size.

    3. I just got the I Got Thistle planner from Modcloth. It’s fun and has a lot of space for notes. You may be able to get it for a bit less than Modcloth was listing it.

  13. Has anyone got any been-there stories of times their life was super super shitty for a long period of time, generally outside their control, and they made it through and feel happy again?

    My spouse has been in and out of the hospital for the last 3 months and could die pretty much anytime from his chronic advanced illness. . . but this could also continue for 20 years; my best friend who’s been an amazing support and in a similar situation can’t support me anymore for reasons outside both our control; I’ve just gotten not-great medical news myself about my fertility; I have a bad employee at work, and I just feel like I can’t take one more thing.

    I’m on AD’s, I exercise, I have a therapist and support group, I have amazing friends, my work is being supportive when I have to be out, our family is helping, but I just can’t dig out from any of this in a meaningful way. I’m afraid if I take a sabbatical it will be hard to come back, but the depression is overwhelming me. What have you all done in these kinds of uber-tough situations?

    1. I am so very sorry that you are going though all of this. I have been through several very rough patches of my life. Actually, I am coming out of one now. I can tell you that there is light on the other side. Depression can lie and tell you that you will never feel happiness, or anything other than numb, again. Depression is a jerk who lies. All that you need to do is put one foot in front of the other. You are strong. You can make it through to the other side. In the meantime, lean on all the sources of support and well-being that you have. Lean hard and soak up all the support that is around you. Do anything (well, legal and not destructive) that brings you any pleasure. Exercise as much as your body can handle. You will make it through all of this horrible stuff. HUGS.

    2. I’m sorry. That’s just a lot. A lot for anyone. I think it would be abnormal to be going through stuff like that without being insanely depressed. Are you at all spiritual? This could be a time to tap into that. Alternately, just know that what you are describing is so so hard.

      I was in a really terrible situation for many years too. I don’t really want to get into details, but I have to say that after getting through it, getting therapy, getting medication, and having a long time to heal and read books and live my life and learn what it was to have fun again (? at all?)… I think I am a better, stronger, more compassionate, more self aware person after having gone through what I did. I would not wish it on anyone, and if I had it to do over, of course I would wish for an easy and happy time instead, because I’m not insane. But years later, I can take comfort in the fact that I’m genuinely okay, and not just okay, but doing well and strong enough to help others in a time of crisis. I don’t know if this helps you at all. But right now I’m helping a friend go through an incredibly awful situation (she’s in a health crisis and her mother is literally on her deathbed and her dead-beat brother is being a terrible a-hole, etc etc etc)… and I’m finding it really empowering. And I wouldn’t have been able to do it if not for the strength I got from going through a sh*tty situation myself.

      1. Not the OP but thank you for this. I’m going through a pretty tough time and while sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and run away from life, I keep telling myself “the only way out is through” (thanks, SA!) and also, I’m a better, more compassionate person for having struggled this much. Even if my situation doesn’t resolve favorably (and it might not), I’ll know I tried my absolute hardest and nothing that I did in my life is “payback” for what I’m going through. Sh*t just happens and if you draw the short straw, just try to deal the best you can.

    3. It sounds like you would qualify for some time off under FMLA, based on your husband’s situation. Some time off without worrying about work and having as much pressure to keep everything together for appearances might be more restful than you think, and allow for a little “you” time.

      1. Yes, please do consider taking some time off. When I went through hell earlier this year, I refused to take time and escaped through work. I regret not taking some time without work on my plate to focus on taking care of myself. You can take time off of work.

      2. +FMLA

        And I ultimately left the rat race. Finances are a problem, but I will survive.

        I get enough sleep, I eat, and I deal with my daily crises and that’s all I can do.

        Support groups, having a good person to vent to, increase your anti-depressants or change, and get outside.

        I have lost a lot of friends though, as my hardship scares them, most people are quite self-absorbed, and that is hard.

    4. I have my own really miserable chronic illness and I get tremendous support from online support groups. If I lived in a major city, I’d attend an in-person one. Can you see if there is anything like that for your husband’s illness? If not illness specific, what about one for families of the terminally ill? Is there a Ronald McDonald House near you? They likely have resources.

      Can you hire some respite care like hospice? I know you want to be there for your husband but you can’t do it all yourself. I was picking a jury once and juror’s questionnaire said she was the caregiver for her dying mother. I told my trial partner that we were of course going to excuse her. My trial partner pointed out that she hadn’t asked to be excused (it was listed under occupation) and that she may welcome the break. I looked at him like he was insane. His wife had passed away before I met him and he told me that when his wife was dying, he welcomed any forced obligation that gave him a break. He couldn’t tell her that he really just wanted to go golfing but he could say that he really had to go to the DMV to renew his registration, for example. Recognize when you just need a break.

      1. Also, she ended up not part of our pool so we didn’t have to decide to keep or cut for anyone that was wondering.

      2. OP here. Thanks for responding. I understand your trial partner’s perspective! My spouse’s situation isn’t really set up for hospice per se – for the last few months (and a couple periods previously), he’s fine 75% of the time and then gets a catastrophic acute illness every 2-3 weeks. I am in a support group for spousal caregivers of people with illnesses like his and it’s in-person, online, and adhoc (meeting for coffee). . . it’s the stewing in the day to day that I’m struggling with. Especially when there is no end in sight (or the end is an outcome I really don’t want).

    5. I’m terribly sorry for your situation. I totally agree with Betty, and I love her observation that “depression is a jerk who lies!” Brilliant! I really feel for you and have struggled through some tough patches myself. Mine involved a mentally ill teenaged step-daughter who was sometimes manic, often violent and preyed on my youngest son when her father wasn’t looking. The tale goes on, but the details aren’t important to your request. The point is, I got help (social services, therapist, lawyer!) and got my kids and myself out of that place. I was terrified (2 middle school kids and a mortgage!), but I was determined to make a better life for us. Odd as this may sound, I took time every morning to steel myself for the day. For me, a non-exerciser, it was pretty passive. I sat for about 5 – 10 minutes of deep breathing and “I can do this” thinking, including stretching my arms out and bringing them in to harness energy and hug it to myself. Ok — reading this to myself, I sound crazy, but I mean it sincerely. Give yourself whatever comfort you need to take care of you. Lean on your friends/resources (HR for the ‘bad employee?), get enough sleep if you can and eat well. Internet HUGS from me too. You can do this.

    6. First of all, I’m so sorry to hear about the rough time you’re experiencing right now. That must be really hard.

      I went through a period in my life years ago where everything that could possibly go wrong did, and it took roughly 2 years to make my way through that generally awful time and feel like I was anything close to okay again. I’m going through another trying time right now, and while it’s hard, I have the perspective of surviving the truly awful to know that I will survive this hardship too. For better or for worse, almost nothing in life is permanent, and so I remind myself that this, too, shall pass.

      It sounds like you’re doing a lot of wonderful things to take care of yourself, which is great, but given everything you have going on, it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes you need to get in the car, put your head down on the steering wheel, and cry, and that’s totally okay. I can get frustrated with myself for being depressed or anxious when I’m going through a hard time, but sometimes you have to take a step back and say, “Hey, this situation I’m in really sucks; it’s okay that I feel like this occasionally”.

      I promise that you will get through this and you will come out the other side. You may not be able to picture what ‘the other side’ looks like just yet (I certainly can’t, in my current situation), but trust that it will get better at some point.

    7. Yes. Three years and a few months ago I’d just left my husband, my son was 6,000 miles away, I broke up with my best friend, and had a job transfer I wasn’t happy about. I literally woke up weeping every morning. I just kept telling myself “the only way out is through” and putting one foot in front of the other, and now life is so stupidly good I keep pinching myself to make sure it’s real.

      Sending hugs from an internet stranger! Be kind to yourself!

    8. I am so sorry.
      I have a serious, chronic condition and was very, very sick from November to June. I was on IV antibiotics the entire time and spent December to February puking 7-10 times a day. On top of this, there was a whole bunch of terrible personal stuff going on. And ADs either made me puke more or comatose. Wasn’t sleeping much. Thought I was going to die of exhaustion at points and literally was malnutritioned for much of it and dangerously weak. The depression never got better. I hate to say it, but I just had to keep going. If I wasn’t sure I could do the entire day, I let myself just say that if I was done at lunch I could go home. Or if I was done by the time I got to school (…20 minutes away) I could take a Lyft or drive home. It sucked. I just put one foot in front of the other and compartmentalized like crazy. There were a LOT of later-me problems. Some of which I’m still handling. If it didn’t have to be done it wasn’t. Watched a lot of TV. Told a lot of people that I was sorry but I couldn’t do X, help them with Y, or support them with Z because I didn’t have the capacity. Was brutally honest with both my internship (which I could have taken a break from but I needed that normalcy) and law school (which was part of the personal problem). Cried a lot just because I needed to. Slept as much as I could, whenever and wherever I could.

  14. I’m finishing up a clerkship this week, and the firm I’m joining is paying/orchestrating my move. The movers are coming on Friday. I’ve never had movers before – should I tip them? If so, how much?

    FWIW, the company is sending 2 movers to pack and load everything. I’m in a furnished rental, though, so it’s just my clothes and my stuff – no furniture or anything particularly heavy.

    1. Make sure it’s clear what the movers are moving and what is staying so they don’t pack up the furniture or leave behind something important to you.

    2. Put tape or otherwise mark anything that stays. Tell them everything else goes.

      You should tip, maybe $40 for the head mover and $20 for the others. And have bottled water on hand for them.

  15. After a great deal of consideration, my husband and I have decided to cut ties with two toxic family members. It is heartbreaking but overdue. One has borderline personality disorder and the other enables the behavior. The behaviors have serious negative impacts on my husband, me and our family. After me fighting it for so long, I have come on board with simply cutting them out of our lives, and I had that very tough conversation today. Emails filtered and numbers blocked. Rough day. Anyone else been through this? [And yes, DH and I have therapists.]

    1. Yes.

      I have cut ties with two family members recently. One has been an increasing problem for a few years now, and I just reached my limit with the verbal abuse I was willing to take/willing to watch doled out to other members of my family. The other I have had issues with in the past, but things were good until recently. There was an incident that made me realize nothing had actually changed and that I couldn’t expect them to behave civilly, rationally, and non-violently (!!) in the course of a disagreement, so I cut ties.

      It was and is hard, especially because other members of my family remain in contact with these two. I feel guilty about it sometimes. But I also feel so much lighter. It was the right thing to do.

      Kudos to you for doing this.

    2. Yes. And if you’re like me, there’s some long-ingrained guilt you will experience, even though you know it’s necessary. Know that it will be there and that it’s normal.

      Also, have conversations with other family members. There will be those folks who will say you’re overreacting, or will try to be peacemakers, or will share anything you tell them with the person you are cutting out. Make it clear to them that this is not up for discussion, if they insist on speaking about the person you will end the conversation. And follow through.

      And just be kind to yourself. This is a rough and awful process, often coming after months or years of exhausting anxiety and heartbreak. Be gentle to yourself and your husband as you get through it.

      1. I was about to write out a long response, but this completely covers it. I cut my mother out of my life over 10 years ago for similar reasons and the guilt and reactions of other family members are something to be prepared for.

        My life is truly much better after doing this. It was a long road to get to that point in the first place and a long road after cutting ties, but it does get better.

    3. Do you mind expanding more on your decision to do this?

      I have a toxic in-law and I’m wondering if constant unsuccessful attempts by DH to rationalize with or appease this person are a waste of everyone’s time. Worried about the effect on my kids either way.

    4. Yup. Emails filtered, numbers blocked, cut off contact. I have Mr. Kitten get the mail so he can throw out anything from them. There’s a Reddit group Raised by Narcissists that might be helpful – it’s mostly adults who have cut off ties with toxic parents, including BPD parents.

        1. You’re welcome. I’ve been no contact for five years, so I don’t hang out there as much, but it was really helpful when I first went NC to know that I was not alone.

    5. Thank you so much for all of your support. I haven’t yet reached out to other members of the family, but I can see that I need to do that as well. Ugh. More tough conversations to come.

      Re: our decision to do this: It is my in-laws. My MiL has BPD and my FiL enables and encourages. It culminated when my husband became very sick earlier this year, resulting in three plus weeks in the hospital and much out-patient follow-up. Throughout the stressful period, it was all about my MiL and how no one was meeting her needs. After the initial crisis, we tried to set reasonable boundaries, only for my in-laws to them blow right through the boundaries to the detriment of my husband’s health. It came to a head last night when they insisted that we do something (travel) that would jeopardize my husband’s health to meet an arbitrary need of my MiL. Her tantrum followed (complete with emotional abuse targeted at me – yay!), and I finally came on board with cutting ties.

      1. This sounds so incredibly familiar.

        I hope your husband’s health improves, and wish you luck avoiding being a target for emotional abuse in the future!

        I personally have resolved that if I run into either of the two I have cut off at a family event, which is likely unavoidable long-term, if/when they start in on the behavior I have cut them off for, I’m just going to leave. I’m a financially stable adult with a credit card, and it’s worth whatever it costs me in hotels and airfare to just get. out. if I need to. If other family members are offended, so be it.

    6. FWIW, I would only cut the ties if they presented a clear and present danger to me or my family. For what it seems they have done I would just ignore it. This is because, well, what if they really do need to tell you something important, like someone has died, or a family member needs a familial blood transfusion, whatever.

      My dad has 2 toxic relatives, one of whom…hell, both of whom have been verbally abusive to my mom. (OK, to him also.) One is a pathological liar. In all this, he has never considered “cutting them off”, in fact, he makes it a point to send them updated contact information when the family moves. BUT. He doesn’t talk to them. Emails are deleted, phone messages are ignored, letters thrown away. Of course there hasn’t been much in the last 2 decades so it’s no longer a constant barrage.

      The way we treat the matter is entertainment. Nothing they say can hurt or harm my parents so all their communication is met with a massive eye-roll. It’s like watching a really bad movie on television; there is something disconnected in their communication. We got a letter once and a sibling said, “Get out the popcorn!” I believe Dad got through the first paragraph and said, “This is garbage” before tossing it in the trash can. And life goes on.

      But yes, we keep the door ajar JUST IN CASE there is a real and necessary reason to communicate (like when my grandpa died.)

      It’s not a nice situation and I’m sorry for you. Print out a few of their nastier emails and use it to mulch your garden and think, “Trash to treasure!” Best of luck…

  16. Ok, so I’m mid-second trimester with my second and I am clearly a lucky breed who gains weight in their thighs and rear, not just their tummy. And so I’ve got some rubbing issues… This happened with my first two, but they were winter babies so I just started wearing tights or maternity spanx at this stage. It is WAY too hot and humid for that to work this time. Any suggestions? Are jockey slipshorts the answer, and if so which ones? Other options? I’ve tried BodyGlide, which works a bit, but doesn’t seem to stay on all day. Help!

    1. I used to wear skimmies until I found Gold Bond Friction Defense. Looks like a deodorant. I haven’t used BodyGlide, but the Gold Bond works all day in the hot, hot humid south.

      When I was pregnant I did find skimmies for pregnant women – “Belevation Womens Maternity Shapewear Mid-Thigh Pettipant” on Amazon. Had a few pairs that I loved. I didn’t find that I could get the skimmies to work with my bump.

    2. Jockey slip shorts are fantastic, but cotton bike shorts in the summer are so much nicer when it’s super hot and gross!

    4. monistat anti-chafing (amazon prime it to yourself). it stays all day unless the day is especially humid/hot.

    5. Try bandelettes (dot com) – they are just lace bands for your thighs so much cooler than full shorts plus pretty.

      1. Hadn’t seen these before, they look interesting. And they’re available on Amazon Prime!

    6. Udderlicious Smooth Chamois Cream! I (and by now all my thick of thigh friends) use and swear by it. It lasts way longer than body glide and feels less tacky!

    7. The blog wardrobe oxygen recently did a post on the various products and garments to prevent chub rub. It was spot on!

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