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Suit of the Week: Antonio Melani

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. I always think of a pique fabric like this one as being more appropriate for summer — you can see the tiny, nubby texture to the suit if you zoom in on the image. I like the ruched sleeves of the blazer and the collarless style with notched lapel. The jacket (Antonio Melani Jess Pique Blazer Jacket) is $199, the pants (Antonio Melani Kaylie Pique Straight Leg Suiting Pant) are $119,  and the skirt (Antonio Melani Shosh Pique Flounce Hem Pencil Skirt) is $99. The available sizes are 0-14. Here's a plus-size option that also has a flounce-hem skirt: blazer, skirt, and pants (although the skirt is sold out in one of the colors). This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

201 Comments

  1. Thinking about the person the other day whose blood thinners made her bleed through her pants/sock (I hope her new shoes are okay)! Wondering about other folks’ embarrassing moments…

    Here’s mine: On a first day of a new job, I was taking a long stroll down a corridor with my new boss, having a walk and talk/tour of the space. Apparently a black lacy thong had gotten stuck via static electricity into the interior of my black dress pants at the ankle, which was flared enough that I didn’t feel it. I discovered this when it fell out and some man walking by, in a clear attempt to be helpful and with no awareness of what was happening, yelled after me, “hey! hey, you dropped this!” and came running up to me, thong in hand. I then realized that these pants had no pockets, forcing me to ball up the thong and carry it in my hand while continuing to walk through the halls and having to hold it in my left hand as discretely as possible while being introduced to and shaking hands with half of the new staff, including several partners. Now I shake out everything before putting it on!

    1. This is amazing and I will now start shaking out all my clothing. Did anyone else notice what you were carrying?

    2. Oh god, that was me. The shoes are mostly fine; there’s some blood on the outside edge of the shoe, but they’re black sneakers and you can’t tell unless you look really closely. The socks are probably ruined, though. The pants are also fine. And it stopped bleeding on like….Sunday. Thanks for checking in. I’m still getting s*it about this at work. “Going to horror-movie the bathroom again today?” Shut up, dear, dear colleague.

      Your story sounds horrifying and much, much worse. I would probably drop it in the first trash can I saw.

      1. Plus wasn’t it a cut on your foot? WAY less embarrassing than something else that could’ve happened.

      2. Cut on my ankle from shaving that morning- unfortunately, was wearing ankle pants and had to switch into flats, so the gigantic piece of gauze was super visible.

        But yeah, had an incident the week before that was….not due to that, on the back of a white skirt. That one actually ended up fine, I just put on my (blessedly long) coat and left for the day.

    3. This is so funny! I had an issue my FIRST day in court. I was all dressed up, and as I walked up the steps at FOLEY Square to go into argue my case for the manageing parnter, a Pidgeon made poopie right on my left shoulder. I was wearing a dark blue suit and the poopie was kind of white, and it was disgusting. I did NOT have time to wash all of it off b/c I had gotten lost and was just on time, so I just pushed off with the brief, and ran into court. The brief still had a little poopie on it and I had to hand that brief to opposing council. The judge wondered why I had a white stain on my shoulder, and I told him. He and the opposing council laughed at it, but I still won the case, poopie and all! THAT, my freinds, was MORTIFYING, especially for a young lawyer that I was, just trying to do my job. When I got home I immediately gave the suit to my cleaneing lady to rince off and take to the dry cleaners. I think there is a tell-tale sign of the poopie to this day, but dad says it is GOOD luck. I guess I agree, since I won that case, and have a decent track record with my judge (93% says Frank). YAY!!!!!

    4. This has been my nightmare since that episode of The West Wing. I am not coming onto you, Karen Cahill!

      1. I was just about to say- Donnatella Moss! Apparently if you listen to the West Wing Weekly podcast, which I do, it was based on a story of what happened to Emily Procter, wherein static from the laundromat caused underwear to static cling to her pants, which a waiter kindly brought over to her during her lunch meeting either Aaron Sorkin or Tommy Schlamme for the first time. What cracked me up is that afterwards he said to her, “why didn’t you just say ‘sorry, those are not mine’ instead of claiming them?” aaaaaaah I die!

    6. One time I got my period unexpectedly at work and bled on a chair in my (male) boss’s office. I’m not sure he realized it was me (because I don’t think he noticed the stain immediately) and I was too mortified to point it out and ‘fess up to it.

      1. Ugghhh. The execs in my company all have white leather chairs in their offices and I DREAD sitting in there when that might be an issue. I can guarantee you a woman did not pick those out.

    7. I had lunch with a male co-worker and when I went to get out of his very low-to-the-ground car my meaty thighs and big butt split open the faux suede pants I was wearing (darn you Limited!) and ripped them completely from upper crotch area to knee on both legs. Literally was so embarrassed I started laughing to the point of tears. He was a true gentleman and gave me his coat to wrap around my waist so I could modestly step into my nearby car. Thankfully, I only lived a couple miles from the office and returned without notice. I’ll be forever in his debt for not breathing a word to anyone. I mean, we were fresh out of college and I was the loudest joker of all and totally would have understood if he shared because it was just so crazy. It’s now like 20 years later and I just saw him pop up on my Linked In and the very first thing I thought was what a stand up guy. I’ll forever be thankful.

    8. First one that comes to mind is that time I slipped on the grass outside tbe building taking a quick shortcut and ended up walking into the building covered in mud – like literally mud all over me up to my chest.

      I just walked straight into the showers and was like “… Don’t ask” at everyone who saw me, and spent the rest of the day wrapped up in leggings and a blanket….

      1. It was my second day of work at a new job and I was sick as a dog. I looked at the sign in my bathroom that said “Pull up your big girl panties, and just do it!” I went into work and after about an hour, I started throwing up in my garbage can. I grabbed the can in my arms and ran flying out of my office, past my boss, and out the front door. I was so mortified. Years later, I asked my boss what she remembered and she did not even recall the incident! I got rid of the sign in my bathroom.

        1. Within a month of starting a new job, my boss arranged a day-long site tour with all of the upper-level scientists on the project I was joining.I woke up with a migraine, but didn’t feel like I could cancel because the whole thing had been arranged just for me. Add in 100+ degree heat- yep, I threw up a few inches from my new boss’s shoes.
          As bad as that was, I’m not sure it was my most embarrassing moment ever. The first time I met DH’s family, I came down with a UTI. Wet my pants, locked myself in the bathroom having hysterics, and eventually had to be driven to the ER.
          Thank goodness all the witnesses of both incidents were incredibly kind.

  2. Does anybody have the Smythe Dutchess blazer? Seeing on the sale roundup has made me reawakened my longing for it. It is so expensive, but I would wear it all the time! Any reviews out there?

    1. Wow, pardon all the typos here. I’d love to know if this piece has been worth it for others!

  3. Have any of you moved to another state for no other reason other than you wanted to live there? My husband and I have lived in NYC our entire lives and are now seriously considering a move to California (SD, SF, or Irvine). My immediate family is here in NY and DH’s family is on the other side of the world. We are late 20s/ early 30s and work in financial services/accounting sector. Is this a crazy thought to just move without any roots there? We would of course try to internally transfer or look for a new job before moving. We want to experience a new environment before having kids and we have always loved California (though I know vacationing there is not the same experience). I just don’t want to look back when I’m older and regret not trying this out. Would appreciate any advice and experiences.

    1. I guess you’re used to it if you’re in NYC, but it is Very Expensive here. Especially San Francisco. It might even give hardened Manhattanites pause… Other than that, if you’re sure you can get jobs I say “go for it!”

      San Diego is great in many ways but it is pretty provincial. My son, who was raised in Los Angeles, has been there for two years for grad school and can’t wait to get back to the big city. Ditto, I would expect, Irvine.

      I would expect San Francisco or Los Angeles (any reason it’s not on your list?) t0 be more welcoming of newcomers than either SD or OC.

      1. San Francisco is on the list due to the financial hub there and the thought process of Irvine was really because of the neighborhood and school districts. Are there many jobs in the financial sector in LA? We currently own a home and would plan to rent in CA for a while before settling on a particular neighborhood. Hoping that plus savings would be enough to get a smaller place at he new location.

        1. Confused on the relevance of school districts? I read it as DINC and move back before kids? I think you’ll get different advice and you’ll have different considerations if you plan on moving across country as DINC vs. if you’re planning to have kids with no family in the area. For many people, even if their parents/siblings are not providing childcare, they can be a really valuable support. My mom often stayed with my daughter when she was too sick for daycare, and she takes my son to soccer during the week which frees up our weekends. She also pinch hits for early/unexpected school closures. There are lots of other ways to deal with those things, but if you move across country, you do take that back up help off the plate of parenting options.

      2. I considered a move from NYC to SF and was scared off by the prices – not the whole market necessarily, but for the amenities I prioritized (short commute, being on public transport, not having to own a car, etc.) It didn’t seem nearly as feasible.

    2. I lived in Orange County for ten years and LOVED it. I lived in Irvine for a few years and eventually made my way closer to the coast (Newport Beach and Corona Del Mar). It’s incredibly safe, the public schools are great, the shopping is excellent, and there’s a pretty decent food/restaurant scene in Orange County as well. The traffic is bad, but not nearly as bad as LA. It’s (very) expensive to buy a home here but it’s also a great place to raise kids, if you want them. It can certainly have a “bubble” feel to it and can feel very homogeneous and insulated from the “real world”, but it’s totally possible to meet genuine, generous, intelligent people here. DH and I just moved away for his job and would ideally like to return to the area in a few years – that’s how much we loved it.

      1. Second all of this. I grew up in OC and loved it. My public school education was top notch and helped get me into a great college (and eventually law school). It’s clean, safe, and the traffic is bearable. I still have pangs where I miss it when I go visit my mom (I live in LA now, and while I love the city, the traffic and congestion are eating away at me).

        1. I’m the commenter above, and we just moved to LA! It’s funny how 50 miles makes SUCH a difference. I legitimately have a bit of culture shock in our new neighborhood (which feels funny, given how close it is to “home”), so it makes me feel better to know that you notice a difference too!

    3. I have friends from New England who took a 3-year TDY (tour of duty) assignment with their company to Alabama. So maybe there are other options for a change of scene?

    4. I’m in my late 20s, live in SF and love it here. But I rent with my boyfriend and don’t plan on staying here forever (like past late 30s) and you need to know that it is VERY EXPENSIVE to live here, especially if you want to buy. The vibe here is great and I love the city, all of the outdoorsy stuff to do, the amaaazing weather and amazing food. I really dislike living in LA though (too much driving/traffic for my taste, takes like hours to get from hollywood to santa monica for instance), my bf disliked living in orange county which he did for 6 years and SD feels pretty small/conservative sometimes compared to SF so you should definitely visit all these places before deciding bc CA is not homogeneous. I would say if you want an adventure for a few years though, now is the time to do it and SF is a great place to be.

    5. What’s your time frame for kids? It’s incredibly common to want to be near family when you have kids, and so moving away from family at a stage in your life when you see kids happening in the next five or so years seems a bit counter-intuitive to me. Also, how would you feel about the move being permanent? Unless you’re doing something like an academic sabbatical or a temporary internal transfer through an employer where there’s a definite end date and you have a job waiting for you back home, it’s always possible you won’t be able to find satisfactory positions for both of you when you decide to go back home.
      I would not do it, in your shoes, but I also lived in all four time zones and got the moving around thing out of my system in my younger days. Now that I’m in my late 20s I’m in nesting mode (even though kids are probably 4-5 years off for us still) and just want to settle down near my family.

      1. This was my timeline. Moved back 4 years before kids, worked hard and built tons of credibility for 3 years, took a while to get pregnant, and now post-mat leave I’m grateful to work somewhere that I had great credibility and a solid reputation as a top performer to rely on when I’m struggling with fatigue/child care arrangements.

      2. Within the next 5 years. If we do move, it’d be permanent for the foreseeable future.

    6. Yes! I moved (at 30) across country (DC to seattle) for no particular reason. I decided I liked DC but I’d lived there since going to school and didn’t want it to be the only place I’d lived. I knew no one in Seattle. Searched for jobs there and hadn’t been until my interview! Told myself I could always move back, but it’s been almost 10 years and I don’t think I am! :) it was hard to re-establish friendships and I miss some things, but I really love other parts. Go for it!

    7. Had a friend that went NYC to LA in her mid 30s, just because. It was fun for a bit but she ended up hating being so far from loved ones (it was a day of travel each way, which made trips tough for her to take or for family to come out), plus the time zone difference made it tough to communicate with older relatives who didn’t stay up so late who lived on the east coast.

      In the end, she decided to go back home, give up the great weather, and live where her loved ones were because that was a higher priority than the nice weather.

      However, maybe it’d be different if she would have had a significant other/forever partner with her?

    8. So it is hard to make friends in a brand new city no matter where you are, but I think LA has some uniquely difficult qualities it that can make you feel a bit lonely. You have to drive everywhere, so there isn’t any contact with people when you walk down the street for morning coffee, like you would in NYC. It is also very spread out so if you make friends at work but they don’t live nearby, it is discouraging to actually get together. Not to mention that parking is not as plentiful and traffic can really make simple brunch plans a to-do. There are definitely non-industry (as in, Hollywood) sectors in LA, but especially if you are young, you will find that many of your peers are trying to ‘make it’ in the industry and it’s just a different life, different schedule, different expectations, etc. I was not in the industry and found it exhausting to hear it mentioned all the time and the seeming disregard for you if you weren’t in it. Somewhat akin to living in DC but not really caring about government or politics. You might not be going back to the east coast as often as you think- it’s a long flight and when you factor in the 3hr time difference, it can be really taxing. That being said, it is gorgeous and you will love the sunshine – and I don’t just mean the temperature but the sun rising early and setting late, especially over the Pacific. There are also SO many weekend trips to even lovelier locales, which is a nice perk for a young couple. I agree with SA that San Diego can be a bit provincial and a bit unwelcoming to non-SDers. I know some people who grew up in Irvine but honestly don’t know any young couples that live there, so I can’t comment on it. I don’t think these are fallbacks specific only to Southern California, but worth considering.

      1. so much of this. I think people forget or don’t listen to this advice about the difficulty meeting people and staying connected, as well as not being in or caring about the industry. It’s a life people either accept and just go with or it’s bothersome enough to feel like an outcast and want to leave. It seems exciting to hear about to some (knowing who got cast due to local gossip before it’s announced on tv, passing some reality celebrity at the mall, etc.) but it gets old fast and it’s easy to get sucked into the world and feel like your social status revolves around it too. and the dating/friendships are tough since people compete for work and for status… ugh.

        1. No kidding! Not a joke that even at a dive bar, everyone looks to see who walks in when the door opens and immediately ignores if you aren’t famous. A lot of conversations went like this:
          Stranger: “So, what agency do you work for?” (I think this assumption was made based on my age)
          Me: “Oh, no agency, I’m a reporter, actually! What about you?”
          Stranger: “OH!!!!! For Variety?! Hollywood Reporter?!”
          Me: “Haha, no, I work for [non-industry publication but still well known].”
          Stranger: “Oh.” turns away……

          I also really missed just being able to go for a casual dinner at a cozy neighborhood restaurant. Those seemingly didn’t really exist because if it had good food, it was always packed and very ‘scene-y’ when you eventually got your reservation 3 weeks later.

      2. My sister worked in LA for a big studio for a few years, but that city wore her out for the reasons mentioned above.

        The funny thing is she went back to LA this weekend for the first time since leaving and this is her caption to an LA instagram: “LA is like an ex-boyfriend. Give it a few years, run into them, and you remember all the things about them that made you light up inside. Also #nevermovingback”

    9. Honestly if it were me and I was going to do this — I would make it TOTALLY different than NYC or any other big city. Instead of living in the suburbs and fighting traffic into LA/SF, I’d decide I’m living in a rental condo in Laguna Beach or Newport or wherever and whatever small company finance/accounting jobs DH and I could get that could be the bills would be acceptable. The goal would be to experience and enjoy something totally different – not just trade one set of big city inconveniences for another one.

      A number of friends have left NYC for SF in recent years. Honestly I don’t understand that move – at all. It’s trading one expensive city for an even more expensive one. Not to mention most don’t live in the city so they have these crazy driving to BART to walking to the office commutes that can be an hr or more. I don’t understand doing that to yourself if your goal is to experience a different life for a few yrs before kids – all you’re experiencing is high rent, ridiculous commutes, and fairly long work hours in SF in finance (just like NYC). And in SF you don’t even have the beach, palm trees etc.

    10. I moved twice just because I wanted to live somewhere new, once when I graduated from college and again shortly after I got married. I highly recommend it.

      However, I would not recommend moving to California just for the experience. I grew up in LA and San Diego and attended college in LA. LA is incredibly expensive, driving in LA traffic is stressful and eats up all of your time, there is no parking, and the smog is horrific. It is extremely hot for much of the year. Daily life is a difficult grind. If you have tons and tons of money and can afford to live in one of the few cool, walkable neighborhoods it might be easier, but you will still have to deal with the commute for work. Nutella is right that life is dominated by the industry and the fact that you have to drive everywhere does make it more difficult to meet people.

      San Diego is more laid-back and has somewhat less smog and traffic, but it’s still expensive. It is not sunny all the time, either–I remember some summers where it was overcast every single day.

      If you are lifelong NYC residents and enjoy the culture and lifestyle, SoCal will be a huge culture shock. I can’t imagine any of my husband’s many NYC friends thriving in LA.

      1. if it’s about the experience, what about somewhere in the midwest like Columbus, where there is art/culture like NYC but a super low cost of living that’s in the same time zone as NYC and is a short flight to home friends/family? Then it’s a different lifestyle than the hugeness of NYC or LA/SF but it also means being able to save a lot of money and/or work less!

        1. I can say this because I’m from Ohio…Columbus is a nice little Midwestern city, but it is NOTHING like NYC in terms of art and culture.

          1. Houston! The weather is great six months a year and horrible six months a year, but the arts, theater, restaurants, etc. are top notch. (Live inside the loop, but that would be cheaper for you than both NYC and SF).

          2. I agree with this. I’ve lived in every major city on the east coast, and all the cool stuff is really good in Houston. I also grew up there, so I’m kind of biased.

          5. Seconding the recs for Houston. It is the most diverse city in the country and if you are into Indian / Middle Eastern food of any type I have found more variety / authenticity in this genre in particular than I did when I lived in NYC just because of the huge presence.

            Also tacos…. and queso…. and no state income taxes….and brand new beautiful homes in good school districts for <$500k (much as some of the garish real estate hurts my prewar loving heart)….

            For what its worth, I feel I am surrounded by more diversity than I was in NYC where I felt like neighborhoods were much more segregated, and I definitely know more people with more of a lived diversity of experiences than I did in NYC.

    12. My husband and I moved from the midwest to Charlotte (also both in acctg / finance – CLT is the second largest banking center. Who knew?!). He had a random relation here, but otherwise we knew no one. We had one toddler at the time, and figured it was now or never. We are SO glad we did it! Our careers have taken off, we grew closer as a couple, and it’s just downright fun to explore a new place.

      Don’t get me wrong, there was hard stuff, too. Even though we wanted to move, being new can be isolating. We’re definitely stronger having done it – both as individuals and as a couple.

      Good luck!

      2. I used to live in Charlotte and would also suggest it as an option for someone itching to make a move from NYC. I ultimately left because of some issues as a POC (nothing aggressive, but I’m from a more diverse area and realized a little too late that the homogeneous lifestyle wasn’t for me), but honestly I think it’s a really lovely place for those that either aren’t bothered by that or are white. It’s a few hours to Asheville for mountains and Charleston for beach, and there are some great lakes in the area, too. The beer scene is amazing, and the food scene is not bad, either. It’s a big enough city that there is a lot more to offer than I think most people realize. It’s a driving city overall although there are pockets of neighborhoods that are walkable within those communities, and overall it’s not a really spread out city so although you have to drive places the drive is super short. Of course it’s a smaller city than NYC, but I think there are some strong pros.

        From my extensive network, I can tell you it’s an amazing place to raise children and if you own in NYC you’ll most likely be able to afford a gorgeous home with an unreal commute (like under 20 minutes). I can’t recommend it enough for others even though it wasn’t for me personally. As far as meeting people, I think that those who have kids, attend church or work for companies that employ a lot of people in their age cohort have an easier time making friends. I didn’t fall into any of those categories so it was a little harder for me personally, but I still think it was a really good experience to live there.

    13. Consider an ex-pat posting. They are relatively common in accounting. The people with kids even sometimes take them. California is beautiful, and as people note, often expensive. I would echo all of the concerns about being far from family, time zone differences, and challenging trips back to visit. If you move across the US, no one cares. Losing your family support network is brutal. But if you move overseas, you have a pretty awesome ex-pat network. You may have a lonely first 6 months, but ex-pats are way way better at providing support than are your fellow Americans when you move to a different part of the US.

      As a couple, you are more likely to stick out an ex-pat posting for the longer term but also less likely to make a lot of outside social contacts (both because you have each other). Check out a of the bloggers who did the ex pat thing and loved it. Some even had their first child in another country.

      Otherwise, it is a lot better psychologically and culture shock wise when you choose to move to a place. Having moved 20 times since high school, including 5 stints in other countries, and 5 US states, the moves that were my idea were the best ones. Moving for an employer, another person, due to a major financial crisis destroying the economy, these were not the better moves. Research culture shock and read a lot about its stages, because even if you just move to DC or Ohio, you will have some big ups and downs. Accept that this is normal. It is also normal to cry, be angry, hate other people, getvoddly patriotic about your old home, and to again go through a honeymoon phase of living your new home. Sushi and kombucha for breakfast were my Bay Area favorites.

      Also realize that it’s just hard to make friends after you leave school settings. This should not stop you from moving. At a certain point, every one seems to be newly married, then they are AWOL with small children, then a lot of them get divorced. Until they get divorced, a lot of these people are never available anyway. You may as well be in Houston or Miami or Santa Cruz.

    14. There are tons of people who move to SF, and it’s my impression that it’s really easy to meet people here especially if you are working in jobs downtown with other young people. On the other hand, there is extraordinary population turnover. Sort of like NYC, most people in our demographic can’t justify the expense of raising kids in SF unless they are absolutely crushing it at work. People tend to move out as fast as they move in. Lots of people in their 20s taking the Google bus to Mountain View, lots of people in their 20s working at startups downtown or in the financial services sector.

      If you’re not familiar with the weather, you should figure that out — waaaay different than Irvine or San Diego.

    15. California is great, but boy do I hate Irvine. It’s racist/skinhead heaven. You can’t make a u-turn, like ever. Nothing about the way the city is developed feels organic or real. It’s like if someone who designed malls designed a whole city. Except you can’t walk anywhere. And did I mention the skinheads? Seriously. There are great parts of OC, but I would suggest you stay away from Irvine (and Huntington Beach).

      1. What kind of racism are we talking here? There’s plenty of racism in NY even though they claim to be a tolerant liberal area.

        1. The racism I experienced directly was “bunch of dudes pull over their car and beat you up because you look Jewish/queer/whatever” style. Also lots of neonazis at the punk shows.

    16. I went the other direction and moved from Oregon to NYC. I also lived in the Bay Area for a period of time before going to NYC.

      It was absolutely worth it to me. I’d always wanted to live in NYC (even though I’d never even visited). It may have been easier for me because I was single. I moved directly in with a roommate who became a good friend and introduced me to people. About 6 months later, several people I went to law school with also moved out. This made it easier to befriend people. The law school people weren’t directly in my circle of friends while we were at school but we built our own sort of extended family here since we were all so far away from home.

      I also chose to do it at a convenient time. I had just graduated law school and figured I’d try it for a year just to say I’d done it and if I hated it here then I’d just move back to Oregon. I wasn’t giving anything up by moving here (aside from all of my possessions) so it seemed less likely that I’d regret having moved if I moved back just 1 year later. Obviously, I really liked it here since I’ve stayed and plan to stay for likely another 10ish years.

      Before law school, I also made a big move from the liberal western part of Oregon to the conservative eastern part of Washington. Not as big as a cross country move, but still a big change. This one I did for a job and not just because I wanted to. I knew 1 person who lived there and befriended a few coworkers as well. I never really made other friends but I also didn’t stay more than a year.

      I totally understand the impulse to move! If you do it, I’d recommend reaching out to anyone you might know there, no matter how small the connection might seem. Even if you don’t become close with that person, it can be a great way to meet other people as well.

    17. This reply is a bit late but I just got here… As someone who picked up with her husband and moved to San Diego just because – I am a wee bit put out by those judging it that haven’t lived there. San Diego is in large part people that are not from there and so I did not find it hard to make friends. The hard part was that people leave San Diego and it is hard to say goodbye. If you like the outdoors try the Sierra Club Wilderness Basics Class. I met my good friends that way – nothing makes friends faster than having to backpack with strangers. WBC was mostly liberal professionals and it led to some interviews as well as yoga and wine buddies. I didn’t find it provincial at all. My only complaint (and as a New Yorker you will feel this) is that although different cuisines (Korean, Vietnamese, Mexican – you name it) are delicious – the more mid to fine dining options are pretty bad. There are a few stars – Little Lion, Juniper & Ivy and Urban Solace to name a few – but the rest wouldn’t survive in NY. The numerous farmers markets, year round produce and local meat help make up for that a lot. Complaint number 2 – also as a New Yorker not as bad – the rent has gone bananas – in my hood – South Ocean Beach/Sunset Cliffs – a 2 bedroom in a non-remodeled house is about 3k. So you may have noticed my past tense – I just moved back to the East Coast a few days ago. The lure of family was too strong. We were there for 6 years and had amazing adventures, made great friends, enjoyed sunny winters – I cried my eyes out when I left. My brother copied me and lives in Santa Monica. I can give more info on that too – we visited often. Let me know if you want any specific advice – also many neighborhoods very walkable – we walked to dinners, bars, farmers market, beach, etc….not the same as NY but good. Oh one more thing – traffic!!! I was lucky bc I worked downtown and had a 15 minute commute – before that I worked north and it took an hour – must live where you work. If you love hiking, yoga, paddle boarding or reformer pilates you will be in heaven. Good luck!!

  4. What’s your best piece of clothing/jewelry for under $20? So many of us are on budgets or on spending diets but wanting to expand options, so let’s hear ’em (links too, if you can, please)!

    2. I’m a big fan of the Portofino shirts from Express. They can be dressed up for work with a pencil skirt or dress pants, or dressed down with jeans and cute shoes. Regular price is $40-$50, but there are always colors and patterns on sale for under $20.

      2. I have one of these shirts and love it. I won’t spend $40-50 on them new, but I’ll now stalk sales for them knowing they do go on sale.

      3. +3 On the Portofino on sale. I have two in distinct patterns and wear them as much as I can without it being oh look, CountC has that flower shirt again.

    3. I’m obsessed with Uniqlo’s “smart style pants.” They are my holy grail little black pant. Regular price $39, but they go on sale pretty regularly.

      (And they look good with the Portofino shirts.)

  5. Moving from warm weather all the time (think southern california) to the midwest, to a larger city. Should I be buying specific clothes/items in advance or buy as I need when I get there even if it means not having what I need the 1st time I realize I need something? If I should buy in advance, what should I get? Thinking about wardrobe and about how my apartment will need things based on the weather!

    1. If you are moving in the spring, summer, or early fall you can probably get away with buying a couple jackets and waiting on the rest (assuming you at least have pants). I live in Nebraska and mostly wear jackets in the spring and fall. It may be a good idea to hit up some sales in the next couple months to buy a heavier coat (or two).

    2. Personally I don’t think it’s a bad idea to take advantage of the end-of-season sales going on right now to grab an excellent pair of winter boots and a real winter coat for next year. Beyond those two items I think you can fill in as needed.

      1. Agree with this. I used to live in a similarly cold climate, and I swear by the Patagonia 3-in-1 coats. They should be on sale about now. A truly warm coat makes everything bearable.

        1. Yes, now is the time to begin stalking Patagonia 3-in-1 coats on sale. I bought one in July last year for something like 65% off. It is the best thing ever.

    3. Fill in as needed, but once you decide what you want, buy it quickly. Something totally necessary like snow boots are impossible to find after the first big snowfall of the year. Same for cute coats, rain boots, etc. – once you *really* need them, they can be hard to find.

  6. Reposting since my morning comment was in moderation for 4 hours.

    I am looking for suggestions for specific products to step up my skin care routine. I am looking to replace my morning moisturizer and night cream, and I also want to add one or two products to address early signs of aging and an independent sunscreen (current moisturizer has SPF). I currently use Ole Henricksen’s Truth Serum at night and plan to continue doing so. Budget is around $40 per product, but I would consider spending more on a really awesome product. I am 30 and my skin is oily, hormonal acne, and I am just starting to get wrinkles on my forehead.

    1. By the time one reaches 30 one should seriously consider an exfoliant. Alpha Skin Care (sold at Ulta) has some good ones, as does Paula’s Choice. (Teenage skin turns over every 14 days; by 30, it is up to 28 days. As a result, skin looks dull and has a tendency to get clogged in pores.)

      The only anti-aging product (other than sunscreen) is Retin-A (or trentinoin.) These tend to be more expensive, unless you get a prescription one from your doctor; in that case, it is your co-pay. The highest OTC of retin-a is .020%; the lowest prescription amount is .025%. I think Paula’s Choice has the absolute best (and most affordable) OTC retinol product–their 1% retinol serum.

      I cannot recommend a good sunscreen, but I have heard Elta’s are great, as are Obagi’s. I use a basic one by Olay but I don’t like enough to pass on the love.

      Nor do I have recommendations for moisturizers. I have combo skin and I have found moisturizers useless. Their molecules are too large to penetrate the skin to provide any moisture–moisturizers to me are like raincoats. They protect whatever is underneath. There are many hydrating toners/essences/etc. products on the market. For additional help I love love love oils. Clinique’s Smart Oil is fantastic.

    2. everyone’s skin is different. i highly recommend reading some of paula begoun’s materials on what categories of products are most appropriate, and then look at her website (beautypedia) for actual reviews and recommendations. even though she has her own line, i find that she fairly reviews products from a wide range of manufacturers and cuts thru the hype to say what formulations have the best shot at really being effective for what purposes. i’ve rarely been unhappy with a product i found thru this process, and usually have only switched when something was discontinued or became too inconvenient to buy. good luck!

    3. I second the Paula’s choice retinol. Another is differin gel (available at target).

      Paula’s choice does pretty much every kind of exfoliant you could want, and they offer generous samples with orders to try them out, and trial sizes of some products.

      La Roche posay, Kate Somerville, and Clarins all do great every day dedicated spf’s.

      Moisturizer – Sephora is great for getting samples to see how your skin reacts. Belief Truth Cream Aqua Bomb is a great gel suitable for oily skin. Agree that they are like a “coat” over your other steps though, so consider your exfoliator and then a hydrating serum to see real results.

  7. Has anyone purchased a refurbished kitchenaid stand mixer? I was looking at the Pro since I mostly make bread dough but I really can’t afford full price. I can’t imagine even with coupons being able to get one as cheap as the refubs are listed on the “warehouse” website, but please let me know if you’ve had any experience!

    1. I don’t, but I do have the basic Kitchenaid stand mixer (not the pro) that was very affordable. We make dough in it at least once a week for the last five years, so if you’re nervous about a refurbished pro, you might have good luck with the basic one.

      2. We’ve had our basic one for over 15 years, and use it frequently. It’s a little worse for wear thanks to getting dropped off the counter once, but still works fine (the top just doesn’t lock reliably any more). I haven’t tried the pro, but I’m not seeing any reason I would want to upgrade.

    2. There was a massive sale on them this fall/winter where the Pros were going for something like $200-300 but I was dumb and didn’t buy then. But just to show you they do come down into the less-than-insane range!

    3. I did! I purchased mine back in 2008 through KitchenAid’s eBay store. It’s held up beautifully.

    4. I have a refurbished 6 qt. Kitchenaid pro. I love it! I have had it for 10 years and have never had any issues. My SO bought it for me at an outlet/warehouse sale.

      1. I got a refurbished one for my birthday last year and it’s worked flawlessly. I can make bread now!

  8. Does anyone here have tips on where to buy new appliances cheaply? I’m renovating a multi-unit rental property and need to replace a lot of appliances (fridges and ranges, primarily, some dishwashers too). I’ve had some luck with Craigslist for used ones but would love ideas for new appliances (I’m open to buying them online), in particular as I like getting fridges without ice makers (one less thing to break). Already monitoring sales at Home Depot and Lowes.

    1. Google “scratch and dent” for outlets that sell appliances with open boxes or cosmetic issues.

      1. Yes. The Sears Hardware outlet I think lists all the appliances online with pictures of each specific appliance and its damage.

      2. Scratched and dented is fine (the renters will probably be pretty hard on these appliances anyway) – great idea!

      3. 100% yes to scratch and dent. I got a $700 microwave/convection oven for about half because of a tiny crack in the plastic over the clock. And a $600 stainless dishwasher for about the same discount because the side was dented and scratched – the side that is pressed up against my cabinets (the inside of the machine was in tact). I’d look at a local place rather than a big box store, although I recall Sears having a massive scratch and dent collection online.

    2. Sears Outlet has semi-OK deals. But pretty impressively terrible customer service.

    4. I’ve had good luck with lower-end appliances on sale at Home Depot. Home Depot will deliver for free, set up, and pick up the old appliance. But I’ve usually had to replace appliances on relatively short notice, when the old one stopped working, so I didn’t have time to monitor Craig’s List for good deals to pop up.

    5. I usually go to Lowes or Home Depot and look at their sale pieces. There are often appliances that have dents that don’t impact the functionality but result in a big discount. I ended up with a fancy non-matching washer/dryer set because (a) I didn’t care that they matched; and (b) both have some sort of cosmetic ding that didn’t impact the function. both were knocked down by a couple hundred dollars.

      I think best sales at any appliance store occur during holiday weekends. But that’s obviously up for grabs and subject to variance

  9. I don’t understand the difference really between SPF and “moisturizer with SPF.” HOw do you tell which is which? And can you just use more of the moisturizer with SPF to get the benefits? I’ve read that you need to use a teaspoon just on your face (which is a ton!) but is that for just SPF or moisturizer with SPF? I’m currently using La Roche Posay: https://www.lookfantastic.com/la-roche-posay-anthelios-xl-ultra-light-fluid-spf-50-50ml/11091806.html?affil=thggpsad&switchcurrency=USD&shippingcountry=US&gclid=CjwKEAiA_9nFBRCsurz7y_Px8xoSJAAUqvKCgwT3E6Zh7p2K2c8EO1mhMjH8zcG90F0UAdP8_P1w5RoCXnHw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds&dclid=CPysoaSDttICFVNUAQodkzUNAA

    1. There is no difference between the two. Theoretically, a moisturizer should be more moisturizing, but that isn’t necessarily so.

      1 teaspoon regardless.

    2. You are using just SPF. An example of moisturizer with SPF would be something like CeraVe Facial Moisturizing Lotion AM with SPF 30.

      Usually the moisturizer with SPF will say something like “lotion”, “moisturizer”, or you can read the description to see if it claims to have any benefits that sound like a moisturizer, if that makes sense. You’ll notice the description of what you linked only talks about sun protection.

      There’s a lot of debate in the skincare community about this, but many people say if you are only outside walking to your car/public transport, a moisturizer with SPF is fine. Any more than that you should use a dedicated SPF. Consider that many moisturizers with SPF have a much lower SPF than dedicated ones, so no using more really isn’t enough.

      1. I always insist on it having at least 30 SPF to it. I am still switching around to find one I love, so for future reference, if it is a lotion with SPF, do I need to use more? Again, I always insist on at least SPF 30 and prefer more like 50 (although I am a drive to work and drive home kind of person).

        1. No you don’t really need more (things just get sticky and don’t absorb at that point), but also when looking at measurement rec’s keep in mind people’s faces are different sizes!

          In your case it’s really convenience, and if you actually like the moisturizing part of the moisturizer with SPF. In my case I like the freedom as someone mentioned below of being able to wear my moisturizers (no SPF) overnight as well if I want to. I also have super dry skin and like to tailor my skin care daily (heavier oil/moisturizer etc.), and then always be able to throw my SPF on top.

    3. I think the distinction you’re looking for is actually between moisturizer and moisturizer with SPF. For instance, people who use different products in the morning and at night probably don’t need to ensure that their night-time moisturizer has SPF. If you’re only looking for the SPF benefits, you could probably use straight-up sunblock on your face, but most people have more delicate skin on their face, so using a specific facial moisturizer with SPF is often beneficial.

      You’ll know a moisturizer has SPF because it’ll say so and give the protection factor. Your La Roche Posay, with SPF 50, is probably really good for your sun protection needs!

  10. Random afternoon question: if you saw/knew for sure your good friend’s bf/gf was cheating on them would you tell them? I think its different if its someone you dont know well or is an acquaintance. I’ve heard different arguments that you should stay out of it because youll be blamed if it goes south etc. But part of me thinks its wrong not to say anything to them/the burden of carrying that knowledge would get to me but i guess i can see the other side of that…What would you guys do?

    1. I think I would confront the BF/GF if I knew them at all, and tell them to tell my friend. If they wouldn’t, then I think I would tell my friend exactly what I saw, but I would do it in a way that sort of gives them an out. Like I wouldn’t say “OMG John is cheating on you!” I would just say “I was at the mall on Saturday and I saw John getting into a car with a woman I didn’t recognize and then it looked to me like he leaned over and gave her a kiss on the mouth.” That way, if your friend wants to deny it and explain it away she can, but you have also told her what you know so you (theoretically) can’t be culpable for keeping the secret.
      Good luck, this is in an awful position to be in.

      1. +1

        When I knew my friend’s boyfriend was cheating on her (and not being discrete about it), I let his close friend know that I knew…. and that soon everyone would…. and that I was giving him a chance to man up and deal with it. I don’t remember the exact words I used. They broke up within the week.

        This was a guy that I truly would have called a “good guy” and total husband material, and his behavior really shook me.

    2. If it was a true friend, I would fear losing the friendship as the messenger and wouldn’t say a word without proof (I saw it, there’s photos, etc.). However, knowing it happened and I didn’t speak up, that I kept that from a friend might end the friendship anyway. I’d err on the side of the truth. I’d sit down with the friend alone and let her know that I had thought about this for a few days since finding out via photo/running into them/etc. and I know it’s a risk to the friendship, but I value her and wanted her to have all of the information. I’d give her only the facts of what I saw/knew. I’d then tell her that I hadn’t told anyone, I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I would support any decision she decided to make, whether it was to call him out or to do nothing at all to preserve the relationship. I’d then ask if she wanted me to sit with her or if she wanted to be alone. Then I would do exactly what she asked me for and hope our friendship survived.

    3. You’re no friend if you don’t tell her. 100% give her the facts. What she does with the facts, is up to her.

      I sure wish the people that knew my husband was cheating on me would have said something!

    4. I also wish people who knew my husband was cheating on me would’ve told me. But they didn’t.

    5. I’d tell. You can always give someone the pure facts: “I saw A, B, C” and leave it up to them. And even if you know for sure, it’s still up to them whether to believe that you are telling the truth. You’re right that it could end the friendship, but think of how you would feel if someone who was supposed to be your friend knew that your partner was cheating but chose to protect them instead of you.

    6. Depends on the friend and my relationship with them — because I absolutely have friends who’ve told me that they would not want to know from a third party. It has been ages since I told a friend, but recently I have certainly withheld that information from a number of people (friends are married now, so stakes are higher if you don’t know how they feel). No “one answer fits all” solution.

    7. Absolutely tell them. You might lose them as a friend for a minute, but they’ll come back when they realize you were the only one who was honest. I’ve been there.

  11. I’m entering a slow time at work (which I’m perfectly fine with). If you had nothing to do at work right now, what are some non-work things you would do to pass the day? Assume that I need to be at my desk for the most part.

    I have already booked medical appointments for myself and my kids. I also ducked out at lunch for a facial recently. Scheduled a brow wax for next week. Also went to Pinterest for quick dinner ideas and ideas on creative lunches for the kids.

    What else? I’m wasting too much time on Nordstrom or this page and would rather use my time more wisely.

    Ideas appreciated!

    1. Listen to an ebook? Read on your phone w/ kindle app? Rentals for both will be available from your local library.

      Catch up with a friend on the phone? Not sure if that’s too out of line and you should look busy, though.

      1. Read books on the kindle app on your laptop

        If you’re me, grad school application essays. It’s an open word document, who knows what you are typing.

    2. I would buy a bunch of “thinking of you” cards or fun postcards and I’d write notes or letters to people I love. Everyone loves mail and getting something nice from someone who was just thinking about me would be a lovely gift, especially if the person is older/elderly and might be lacking for company.

      I might also consider a certificate or degree from an online school or something either to boost my resume or just for the fun of the process.

      Or you could post something here with a bit of info about yourself/your interests and an email address and ask if anyone wants a penpal! :)

    3. Catch up on articles and long-form reads/my Pocket queue.
      Catch up on podcasts.
      Listen to CLEs that are hanging out in my Webinar folder.
      Take long lunches and get in a nice walk during lunch. All about those fitbit steps.
      Clean and organize my office.
      Catch up on all the little things I’ve been putting off office-wise for months- labeling files, putting together reference binders, etc.
      Go home at 5 PM every day.
      Mail everything that needs to be mailed.
      Plan out upcoming few months- gifts, stopping mail for vacations, book any hotels, etc.

    4. I would write some articles and take a bunch of courses on MIT Open CourseWare.

    5. When i’m in this position, i usually base it off of my lunch, so in the middle of the day I go to: gym/exercise, target/other errands, bank, hair/wax/etc. appt, doctors appt, get lunch with friends/contacts/colleagues.

      during the day: listen to CLEs, clean office, miscellaneous administrative tasks like sending files off-site, uploading documents from paper to electronic versions, work on my (personal) budget, etc.

      1. I’ve started learning German! Some of these sentences are random, but I actually think I’m getting somewhere. I went to the Netherlands a few months ago and understood a few signs, so that’s something.

    7. Listen to podcasts. Write a novel. Catch up on CLE. Read recent cases. Set up coffee dates with networky people.

    8. Network. Now is the time to book all the coffee and lunch dates you’ve been meaning to get to!

    9. Read from my Amazon kindle library or Overdrive library ebooks on my work computer – no app needed for either, just a browser.

    10. Organize my photos. I have no time for this and suspect that I will have no photos of my kids’ childhood.

    11. I would develop and start some organizational projects that could help make my job easier during times when it is busy. Write strategic plans, develop calendars, write goals, draft policies or desk manuals, or clean out my email inbox. Update my resume. Delve into some professional development projects. Do some networking. Take a course online related to my job.

      As a supervisor, I’d be bonkers if my employees were listening to podcasts or reading novels online during work hours. Even if you don’t have “work” to do, there is always something that can be done to improve your operation or contribute to the organization. Time to lean means time to clean.

  12. Quick question. Meeting an ex for a drink shortly. I want to look nice but not like I’m trying too hard. My work is “smart business casual” and he knows that. Does a pencil skirt, cute top, and black patent pumps suggest “just stepped away from my office to meet you” or “trying too hard to be sexy”? I have black d’Orsay flats too as a back-up. Help!

    1. I think it says “just stepped away from the office in my super cut outfit.” Which I think is fine!

      Good luck!

    4. How do YOU want to come across; i.e. what are you trying to get from it? Is this the first time you’ve seen him in awhile, or y’all are friends?

  13. Posting this for poor OP on the morning thread and for anyone as curious as I was. It’s a blog from an (American?) friend attending a baptism and wedding ceremony combo. It’s a German traditional apparently. This blog doesn’t reference the prior marriage but my understanding is all Germans must have a civil ceremony first, so this couple must have done so as well.

    2. Except that OP herself said that in her tradition this is typically done six months or so after the civil ceremony. The people mentioned in this bl0g had a 1.5 yo baby, so maybe they had been married for a couple of years, but that’s still totally different than being married for an entire decade, which is what people were mostly objecting to on the morning thread.

    3. I don’t think the issue was that the OP was having a combo wedding/baptism, it was that she was talking about having a “wedding” when she’s already been legally married for 10 years.

      Also, I assume we are all adult women here and so probably can stick up for ourselves if we choose to. The “poor OP” could have responded and given more context/info if she’d wanted to do that. FYI, my experience is that blogs like this are not the best place to get easy co-signs on ideas, with no questioning or pushback whatsoever.

  14. I have some redness on my face, especially around my nose, and I was thinking of adding a green-tinted primer to my face routine. However, I’m wondering about products… do I layer sunscreen, primer, tinted moisturizer? (There’s SPF in the moisturizer, but not enough to satisfy me). Is there such a thing as tinted green sunscreen primer (and if so, could I apply it thickly enough to avoid sunblock while also avoiding looking like human algae?) Would green corrector spot-applied be a better choice?

    2. You may also find that a yellow tint covers red better than green. I’m not sure why this is, but it does work.

    3. Some people find green primers too sheer to do much color correcting. If the one you’re considering is sold at Sephora or Nordstrom, definitely go in and ask for a sample! Green spot correcter might be better especially if the redness is concentrated – check out LA Girl, they make a really cheap, highly rated one.

      As for order, you’re correct. Sunscreen is the last step of skincare before anything with tint starts (including your tinted moisturizer).

      1. just to make sure… doesn’t that make sunscreen the first step? from a makeup perspective (ignoring say after shower moisturizer). I’m not on the serum train…

        1. Technically :) But I think I consider sunscreen more skincare than makeup – it’s an everyday, not an optional, ya know?

          In skincare world you’d go cleanser, exfoliator or toner, any treatment (you’ll skip since no serum), moisturizer, sunscreen! Then primer, tinted moisturizer, concealer etc.

    4. I’m late, but it sounds like you should check out the product I flagged in yesterday’s thread for recent favorites: Dr. Jart tiger grass color correcting cream (the one in the tub, not the tube). It is a light green-tinted moisturizer with SPF 30, so it checks all your boxes. It must have encapsulated pigments because it gets kind of beige as you rub it in and covers redness quite well.

      1. interesting… do you find it has enough SPF to be effective? or do you layer SPF under? I usually wear a fluid sunscreen and then a tinted moisturizer (that happens to have SPF) on top, but I apply the moisturizer thinly enough that it doesn’t prevent sunburn on its own. I burn easily, though!

        1. I burn pretty easily too and I have always been fine with just that, but I’m only outside for around 10-15 minutes each way on my walking commute. It does go on quite a bit thicker than the average tinted moisturizer, but of course you’d have to put it on your entire face to be really protected. Sometimes I get lazy and skip my jawline where I’m not really red.

    5. A green primer plus tinted moisturizer will probably not be sufficient to cover any significant redness. Seeing as you’re willing to add another product to address the redness, I’d add concealer instead of green primer. Then the order is easy: 1) sunscreen, 2) tinted moisturizer, 3) concealer.

  15. Thank you everyone who posted a constructive reply on my question about how to ask for ‘no gifts please’. And thank you for pointing out that the word ‘wedding’ is iffy. Will try to come up with another wording on the (luckily not yet printed) invitations to manage expectations – even though the pastor will actually perform a wedding ceremony from the church’s perspective.
    Also, no risk of any gift-grabbing at the ‘wedding’, we truely want nothing but our guests enjoying themselves.
    We’ll be feeding all guests & will also pay for the accommodations. Which is why we want to ensure 100% that no one feels obligated to bring a present.
    The idea of a registry for the baptism was simply because a lot of people love to shop for little ones and we want to avoid Aunt A being unhappy because Aunt B got DD the same bible, hymnal or the like.
    Again, thank you everyone who provided constructive advise.

    1. Are you wearing a wedding dress, having a cake, etc? If not, I would call it a baptism and say you will be having a religious marriage vow as a formality beforehand. Or, call it a “celebration of our new family” – there is something nice about the 3 of you all getting married/consecrated together in your faith. I think creating a baby registry is actually a smart way to focus attention on the baby, if that’s a done thing for your community.

      I googled the German keywords you provided and was fascinated. I love how cultures grow and evolve. Congratulations on your new little one :)

  16. Any thoughts on the wide use of websites that students buy school papers from? I recently read through https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/5v7wvg/we_are_the_owner_and_one_of_the_professors_from/

    now I wonder if this is a sign of the issues of the current American education system, if it’s students majoring in Math who just can’t pass a writing course and might never need to know about Beowulf, if it’s creating a world of underqualified graduates, or if it’s just another case of people figuring out how to get paid for what others want, a supply and demand situation.

    Secondly, what would you say or think if your friend or sibling or significant other worked for one of these companies? Any judgment or is it just them finding a way to make ends meet?

    1. I wouldn’t judge someone who worked for one. My school used a program to find plagiarized papers.

  17. Thoughts on academic plagiarism? A recent Ask Me Anything has me wondering people’s opinions….see below for the link… (I tried to post earlier but linked in the post and it got stuck in moderation)

    3. No, no, no.

      Hells to the no.

      Just, no.

      They are terrible people.

      That is horrible.

  18. Yesterday’s question about nosy coworkers got me thinking… how do you handle when the nosy coworker is your manager? I lean towards being private at work. My boss keeps asking me really personal questions, but in such a way that I have no way out without answering. For example, I was out sick a couple of weeks ago. On the day I returned, he peppered me with, “Are you feeling better? This is none of my business, but what did you have? Stomach? Flu?” I mean… it really WASN’T any of his business, but I didn’t see a choice but to answer. He frequently does that question immediately followed by another question thing. Another time we were discussing my upcoming leave, and he said, “Can I ask you a personal question? Where are you going on your trip?” He has also plowed through my saying I don’t want to discuss things, like when he brought up the immigration EO and I said I prefer not to discuss politics at work. He informed me that it wasn’t politics and kept right on talking.

    He and I do not have a personal relationship, but I feel like if I draw any kind of boundary, I risk come across as cold. Any ideas?

    1. If you take vacation leave, I don’t think asking where you’re going is a terribly personal question (even if he prefaced it with “Can I ask you a personal question….”) and it would be odd to refuse to answer. But for the sick leave, I think it’s fine to say you’d prefer not to get into the details of your illness but would be happy to provide a doctor’s note (I don’t think he’s implying he thinks you shouldn’t have been using sick time, but offering to provide a note prevents him from going down that path). For politics, I’d just say you prefer not to discuss it and then just let him talk and not say much. If he asks what you think, repeat “I don’t like to discuss politics at work.”

    2. Sick days: “Oh yes, I’m feeling much better. So glad to be back at work…”blah blah work stuff. If he persists, then it’s “Oh, you don’t want to hear about that” blah blah work stuff.

      Vacation: “Oh, we just getting away for a few days somewhere warm/in the mountains/visiting family. Which reminds me that I need X before I go” Blah blah work stuff.

      Politics: “Oh, I have a think I need to get to!” and walk away. Works if he corners you at your desk.

      So, addressing the question without answering it, as much as possible. Which is totally easier to think of wording when not in the moment.

    3. For illness/doctor questions I usually go with “Oh, nothing too glamorous,” and if pressed “I promise it’s not contagious” with a sly grin. No one has ever pressed past that.

    4. FWIW, I think you can draw a boundary, but maybe not where you’d be totally comfortable. It seems normal to me to tell a co-worker or boss whether you had a cold or a stomach bug, but not to tell them how many times you threw up or which medications you’re taking. You can say you’re going to Italy for vacation, but dodge if someone asks for a detailed itinerary or how much your plane tickets cost. You may also be able to draw some hard lines, like “I don’t discuss politics/health at work,” but you probably risk coming off cold if you refuse to discuss anything personal.

      1. Thanks. He is kind of tone deaf about personal stuff. In the past, I had to be out for a family member’s cancer surgery, and was like, “Oh that’s weird! My [same relation] has cancer too!” It’s just…. really off-putting.

  19. Shopaholic – can you link to the faux blush leather jacket you mentioned on the morning thread?? ~ CountC

        1. I’m probably biased but I think it looks really cute and more expensive than it is.

      2. I want a jacket like that so badly! But how many (fake) leather jackets is too many?

        1. I would say there’s no such thing as too many fake leather jackets but I’m a bit obsessed and love all the leather…

        2. i am still annoyed the last one i ordered was too small at the shoulder… (different site) so clearly I should order another one, right?

        3. The only (fake) leather jacket I have is by Ivanka Trump . . . so I need a new one.

  20. I posted a vent about somebody I met on Tinder (long story short, I would like to say no to his latest suggestion that we meet up for drinks because he flaked the last couple of times we were supposed to meet up, we’ve never actually met in person, and I just don’t actually see the point any more – but I already told him this and now he’s back? Do guys just like to have the last word?) and then the system ate my comment.

    I am tired and need a nap.

    1. That’s so annoying. If you’ve already told him you’re not interested in meeting up, can you just ignore him? I can’t stand flakey people…

      1. Flakey, consistently asking to “re-schedule”, chronic lateness, not taking “no” for an answer…

        Just no. Empathy is nice and all, but these sorts of things are a non-starter in any relationship, dating or otherwise.

        1. +1 Just say no. This is the point were he should be on his best behavior and trying to impress you. If he can’t manage it now, it isn’t even going to get better.

    3. I had a tinder date stand me up, follow the stand-up with a lame excuse hours after the appointed time, text me two weeks later, and then text me again six months later. I ignored each of his lame follow ups but I never blocked him because I was fascinated. How many times would he randomly text me again?

  21. I’m trying to de-stress a little and introduce some habits to help that this month. So far I’m thinking about drinking more water, no Facebook, replacing iPhone scrolling at bedtime with reading. And I’d like to read a combination of easy-to-read fiction and books to help me think differently about my habits.

    This is all in an effort to destress. I am feeling more and more anxious each day. Work FT in a crazy job, go to grad school, have a toddler. I want to spend my “free” time relaxing or doing things that make me feel better.

    I’d like to read a book or website or something that addresses procrastination. I put off doing my grad school homework, diving into work projects, etc until the last minute. I’ve heard about a book that I think is called “Eat that Frog” – so I’ll look into that. Any other resources/tips that might help? Thanks for any advice!

    2. I find breaking down the big tasks into little tasks helpful with procrastination. Also lists. I have a list of home projects and try to just get to one a weekend when I’m home for the whole weekend, which is a very slow way to do it but makes me feel like I’m achieving something at least.

      I recently deleted the fb app from my phone, which I highly recommend in terms of reducing stress and increasing your reading habit. I still have my account, and I check it in the morning while I’m eating breakfast in front of my computer. I rarely check it otherwise. When it was on my phone, my phone tends to always be near me and I would pick it up and then waste half an hour on it so. many. times. throughout the day. Without it, I spend more time reading, which is an activity I have always loved. It’s been great.

      1. I deleted the app today! Was thinking of doing something similar to what you do in the morning.

        I’m hoping I’ll really get back into reading too. I was planning to just use my kindle but wonder if it might be a good think to stick with hard copies for a while. Do you read more of one than the other?

    3. Habits/productivity books recommendations:
      Better than Before by Gretchen Rubin. It was an interesting book on habits and there is a lot in there about what she calls the 4 tendencies and how they relate to habits. She’s working on a new book entirely about those tendencies but that doesn’t come out until September, I think.
      The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
      Smarter Faster Better by Charles Duhigg
      Deep Work by Cal Newport
      Extreme Productivity by Robert Pozen
      The Now Habit by Neil Fiore (all about procrastination)
      168 Hours by Laura Vanderkam

  22. If I’m not too late..

    I unexpectedly have a free evening for dinner tonight in NYC. My only requirements are:

    -good for a solo diner (I’ll be alone)
    -great desserts (have a major sweet tooth)
    -ideally, West Village/SoHo/Greenwich Village area since that’s where I’m staying

    Can spend up to $60-70 for dinner. What would you recommend?

    1. Oh man…there is a French restaurant there that serves a delicious duck. And champagne by the glass. With yummy deserts. Naturally I forgot the name. Let me see if I can find it…

      1. Aha!

        Amelie
        22 W 8th St
        New York, NY 10011
        b/t 5th Ave & Mac Dougal St
        Greenwich Village

        It’s super tiny but super delicious and within your price range. I stopped by on a crowded evening for a spur of the moment birthday treat and they squeezed me in.

    3. Not sure this fits the location, but I had a great dinner solo walk-in at Prune.

  23. The superiors on my team have a monthly “touch base” meeting with me to sit me down and, basically, list all my faults and failures. I find these SO nerve wracking and I have horrible anxiety leading up to each meeting, and I inevitably leave in tears. Of course I welcome constructive criticism but this is basically an hour long meeting about how much I suck. I need a new job.

    Signed, crying on the bus on the way home

    1. This has happened to me more times than I care to admit. Advice welcome. In solidarity…

    2. You probably do need a new job, if you can find one. But – is there any valid constructive criticism for you in these meetings? Anything you could work on so that next month, they would note improvement in that area? Or is this really just a meeting where they vent their frustrations and you’re the hapless target?

      1. Not the OP but Anon from above. If there is valid constructive criticism in the meetings, it is lost in the delivery. I know I was often blamed for things outside my control…blamed for what others did or didn’t do.

        1. Exactly. I feel like a little kid being scolded in the principal’s office. I’m also blamed for things other people do. If I make any kind of mistake, even a tiny one that is meaningless to the bottom line, I know I’ll hear about it at the meeting.

          1. It’s late, so I know you might not see this – but the reason I asked was that, depending on what kind of micromanagers you work with, they might back off (a little) if you show improvement in a particular area. If they’re just jerks, though, there’s a book by Robert Sutton that you should Google (“The No [Jerk] Rule”).

    3. Until you get a new job, take notes on their criticism and deliberately outperform on those specific things. Maybe they’ll realize you are good at things and their focus was wrong. Maybe you’ll get another job. Either is better this the status quo.

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