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This dress has a lot going for it — long sleeves, a great multi-directional stripe print, and it’s machine washable.
If you wanted to add a topper, I would do an ivory peplum jacket or a jardigan in a neutral color. For shoes, I’d do a gray or tan ankle boot, or for a very casual office, a slip-on sneaker.
The dress is $155, marked down from $315, and it’s available in sizes 2–14. Tarini Striped Tie-Waist Shirt Dress
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
anon
I’m moving to Austin TX in the next year or so. I’m looking at property and wondering where people think the highest growth areas are going to be in terms of appreciation. I have a couple of other criteria on my mind as well (where can I get enough space but not be too far out from the city), but those are mostly flexible for various reasons. Also, what parts of town do people like the most? We’re early 30s, no kids.
LSC
Hello, Austin native here. I actually just moved away, in part because the real estate has gotten so insane. The truth is that the housing in Austin has been appreciating like crazy for years. Future growth areas will be 787804 (already hot), anywhere on the East Side (78701/78702 also already hot), and anywhere near new tech campuses like Apple or Oracle. People also like the Mueller area. If you’re young and childless, you’ll probably like 78704 or the east side because those areas have lots of hip bars, restaurants, and shops. It all just depends on your budget and lifestyle. The city is small, but traffic is bad, so you’ll want to be near where you work, assuming you work in person. We lived slightly southwest in slightly suburban area. It was a good location to be out of all the fray of SXSW/ACL but close enough to the city that it was easy to get wherever we wanted to go. Good luck!
Anonymous
Lived in Austin a couple years ago. Choose your location very, very carefully. Cannot adequately express how bad the traffic is. It puts some northeast cities to shame. City planners had a “if we don’t build it, they won’t come” approach and the city is just a gnarled mess. It routinely took me over an hour each way to go 11 miles for my commute.
Friday
+1. I lived 8 miles from work and my commute took over an hour each way (before 7AM). That was seven years ago.
Anon
Yep. This is one of the many reasons I moved. Austin is a fun city, but housing prices are super inflated and the city was never designed to support the population it has now. I spent many, many hours of my life sitting on Mopac watching the trains go by.
LaurenB
I have a general Austin-related question. I have always heard how hip and open and diverse and progressive Austin was. I spent some time there and I thought – this is really no different from any northern small city. The people I met seemed really impressed that they were pro-choice and supportive of gay marriage / LGBTQ rights and so forth, sort of acting as though there was no other part of the country as progressive and forward thinking as that, and to me it was – well, ok, great, but that’s kind of the norm in most of the cities in blue states. Is it because it’s surrounded by red-Texas that people think it’s more progressive than it is? I just felt they had an exaggerated sense of their own “blueness” when they weren’t any more blue than anywhere else. Has anyone else had a similar experience re Austin? I liked it fine, I guess it just seem hyped up to be the bluest of the blue politically.
Anonymous
LaurenB, I moved from Austin to Chicago and found Chicago to be much bluer than Austin. I think you are right that a big part of it is the contrast with some of the rest of the state – Rick Perry once called Austin the blueberry in the tomato soup. Although Houston and Dallas are also blueberries if we’re going by that gross analogy.
Horse Crazy
What a horrifying combo!
Anonymous
Concur. That was my take on Austin as well.
Anonymous
Can’t comment on Austin in particular, but I think there are plenty of places that LOVE to hype their blueness/wokeness. I’ve lived in progressive cities all my life and am progressive myself and it’s a bit much even for me.
Anon
I think there’s also a difference in the old school progressive cities (Philly, Boston, NYC, Chicago) vs new school progressive (Portland, Seattle, SF, Austin).
The first group has been solidly Blue for generations and generations and are heavily Union, and are “working class blue” and compared to the younger, more vocal and further left / woke cities of the second group.
Jeffiner
Not in Austin but another Texas city, and one thing to know when buying a home is that our property taxes are very high. Its to offset our lack of a state income tax. Cities, school districts, and state legislatures are all over each other every session on property tax increases and caps.
Anon
+1. Definitely something to consider if you buy Texas real estate. I’m in a different large Texas city, and the tax rates vary by municipality. But, for reference, our house is valued at about $305k and our property tax bill was almost $6k this year.
Anon
That actually doesn’t seem that bad to me, unless you live in a very tiny house.
Anonymous
Those are crazy high property taxes, although I suppose if you don’t have to pay income tax you come out ahead.
Anon
Agreed. In the northeast (not NJ) and my parents house is valued at ~380k and they pay over 10k a year in taxes. A neighbor’s house just sold for 410k and then the taxes listed on it are over 12k!
Carrie
My parents live in a suburb close to Chicago in a 350k house in desperate need of work and pay almost 12k in taxes.
No income tax in Texas balances. We have 5% income tax in Illinois.
Laura
Current Austin resident, childless, late 30s. I own a house in a “hip” part of town, just south of downtown, and have been trying to buy should further south for awhile. Real estate prices are high, and the pandemic has only made people lose their minds even more. I completely agree with living relatively close to where you work, because traffic is really terrible. That being said, if you work from home and/or can stomach long commutes, most of the smaller communities surrounding Austin in all directions are booming as people look for a little more land. The trend within the urban city core is very pro-density, so new builds often have significantly less outdoor space/yards.
Anon
Weight loss question:
I’m one of many looking to lose my COVID 15. I have a Garmin watch for tracking my exercise and I log everything I eat in lose it (try to be as accurate as possible, but sometimes I have to approximate. I have a food scale and use that as much as I can, but that’s not always feasible) I workout 5ish days a week and take 20-30 min walks pretty much daily. I drink a ton of water. I’m eating well – approx 1550 cals/day with a good mix of fruit, veggies, meat, and whole wheat carbs- but will have a glass of wine or dessert if I have room in my calorie budget, and yet the scale is hardly moving. When the scale does move, it’s often one step forward two steps back.
Any idea what’s leading to my inability to lose weight?
all about eevee
Drop the fruit, wine, and dessert. See what happens.
Anonymous
This. Fruit is a killer for me. I can fill up on so much without even noticing. Try having fruit for dessert instead.
all about eevee
Yes, for me as an adult, fruit is a sometimes food. It’s too bad because I loved it as a little kid and was given unlimited access, but fruit is now really easy for me to mindlessly overeat. I now consider it a dessert food.
Flats Only
Or at least the fruit and dessert. Especially desserts with corn syrup or high fructose corn syrup. I am sure this varies by person, but for me personally fructose is not my friend – fruit and HFCS cause me a lot of inflammation and subsequent bloating. Cut those out and weight loss proceeds as calories/exercise indicate it should. Yes, it feels weird to cut out “healthy” fruit, but for me it makes a big difference if I treat fruit the same as other sweet treats and not as a daily part of my diet.
Anon
How long have you been doing this, and how do you know 1550 calories per day is what you should eat for weight loss (ie, did you calculate TDEE?)?
Anon
I’ve calculated TDEE a few different places and have gotten this number. On days I do a longer / harder workout, I’ll eat more than 1550 cals.
While this weight is partially vanity and partially my clothes don’t fit, I also am now technically overweight so would like to get back to a weight where I’m more comfortable being
Anon
Don’t eat your exercise calories back.
Anon
I don’t do it most days, but on a weekend if I do a long bike or hike or something, I’ll burn 2600cals a day.
Anon
This is likely the issue- “calories burned” on activity trackers are notorious for over-estimation. Try eating half the exercise calories back for a bit.
Anon
oh yeah – I don’t eat them all back! On a day I do a longer workout, I eat about 1700-1850 calories. I’m not eating all 600 extra calories back!
Anonymous
What tools are you all using to calculate TDEE? The NIH Healthy Body Weight Planner always gives me much higher numbers (average height, smallish person, sedentary job, daily exercise).
Anon
Weight loss is not linear. You can retain water based on what you have eaten, hormones, etc. Tracking is also not perfect. Even though the Garmin incorporates your HR into the calculations it can be off (I’ve had metabolic testing done in a sports medicine lab, my Garmin showed that I burnt ~ 80 kcal/mile when I ran. The testing showed it was more like 60 kcal/mile. It just takes time (frustrating!). Depending on your activity level maybe you require 1800-2000 kcal/day to maintain your weight. Eating 1500/day gives you a 300-500 kcal deficit a day. So theoretically you should lose a pound every 7-10 days. But given imperfect measurements, it can take longer. What I usually see is that I will have no change for a while (maybe even weeks) and then I will drop and that eventually the math pretty much evens out. It just takes time.
Anonymous
It definitely takes time. With sustainable lifestyle changes, you don’t want to be losing more than .5lb/1lb a week or it won’t stay off. Small changes over the longer term work whereas major changes for 2-3 weeks will result in rebound weight gain when you stop.
Anon
This is very helpful!
Allie
Are you getting a bit older (late 30s or beyond)? It just might be an adjustment that there’s to stay. If you’re that healthy you probably should be at the weight you’re at just IMHO.
Anon
Mid 20s! I was in really good shape a few years ago but got bogged down with work and the regular exercise and healthy eating habits went out the window. Taking this gift of time during covid to get them back, but hoping to lose both the covid weight and the weight I’ve gained in the last 4-5 years
Anonymous
Are you eating enough? If I’m working out and walking daily, I can’t lose weight on so few calories. I actually have to eat more like 1800 calories to get my metabolism out of starvation mode so I can lose weight.
Are you on hormonal BC? If so, it may be impossible to lose weight until you quit it.
Anon
I am on hormonal BC which I’m not interested in changing for other reasons.
On days where I do a longer or harder workout, I’ll definitely eat more. I tried calculating my TDEE and 1500-1800 cals/day was recommended for weight loss.
While I workout and walk, my day to day life during wfh is extremely sedentary (my desk is 2 feet from my bed, I can easily walk less than 1,000 steps a day if I don’t make an effort to walk)
Anon
Not losing weight no too few calories is not a thing. Neither is starvation mode.
Anonymous
Tell that to my scale.
Anon
Amen. Weight loss is physics and there’s no getting around the laws of physics.
Anonymous
It’s not just physics. It’s hormones.
anon
Respectfully weight loss is biology, peoples bodies are more complicated than a math formula. Different peoples bodies react differently to different approaches. That’s why there are approximately 1 million different diet plans on the market that all work for someone but not others.
Anon
At the end of the day, all of the diet plans in the world boil down to consuming fewer calories than you expend. Yes, the expenditure part can get complicated, but there’s no getting around eat less than you expend.
Anon
When my hormones are off, I can cut calories and still not lose fat because my body will self cannibalize anything but fat. There is a very real chance I would experience a cardiac event from calorie restriction before losing weight when my hormones are badly off (elevated insulin, etc.). My metabolism also slows down more and more until I find it difficult to function.
When my hormones are right, I can stuff myself and lose weight without trying.
Anonymous
Age? Body size? Are you 5’1″ or 5’10”? I’m 5’10” and can’t lose weight unless I’m at around 1500 cal. My BFF is about 5’4″ and she has to get closer to 1300 to see weight loss. Both US and UK govts provide 1600-2400 as the average number of calories for the average woman to maintain so depending on your current height and weight, you may need to drop a little lower on the calories. My metabolism slowed noticeably as I moved through my 30s. I’m more careful about maintaining as I find it harder to lose when I have gained.
Try upping your veggies. Aim to fill half your plate with veggies at lunch and dinner. I found it easier to use serving utensils that match the food amount I need. Like I know which slotted spoon I need to use to scoop a portion of pasta based on previously having weighed it. That means I don’t have to measure/weigh stuff all the time which is a PITA.
Use dishes that are an appropriate size. 8 inch lunch plate and 10 inch dinner plate. A 12 inch dinner plate will make the food look so much less and mess with your body’s satiety cues. Make sure you take time to eat your meal slowly, not quickly while standing at the island.
Finally, you are generally living a healthy lifestyle but if you are doing the same things you were doing before the pandemic, you will automatically gain weight. Just the act of going to the office involves walking to the subway or across the parking lot at least twice a day. Figure out how many steps you are missing from Before Times and add those back in.
Bette
Do people really eat “appropriate lunch-sized” “plates” of food at lunch? I eat a tuna or turkey sandwich and maybe an apple. I don’t know anyone who sits down to a meal that resembles dinner, with veggies and a main course. Sounds nice!
Anonymous
I didn’t when I was in the office but since WFH, I try to make meal time a thing where I sit down with my sandwich or salad or whatever on a real plate and eat at the kitchen table. It’s helped prevent constant snacking in the pantry which is like 5 feet from my WFH space in the dining room. I try to eat veggies at lunch. I’m not a big veggie at breakfast person and hard to get enough veg everyday if just eating veg at dinner.
anne-on
Hahaha, these days I grab protein rich snacks and handfuls of fruit/veggies that I cut up the night before. Otherwise I find it’s 2pm and I haven’t eaten since 8am. I joke that I try to feed myself at least as well as I would my child but it also means thoughtful prep of those healthy foods so I can grab and go.
Anon
I actually do eat meals that could resemble dinner (this week is a veggie / pork stir fry) , because I don’t like sandwiches, but I’m not quite sure that new plate sizes are necessary. I do portion things out, regardless of plate size anyways
For the anonymous – I’m 5’4”, pear shaped in my mid 20s. Most of my meals consist of a protein and a veggie, maybe a grain.
Anonymous
If you’re only 5’3″ you will probably need to get closer to 1300 to lose weight. How long have you been trying? Healthy weight loss will mean you don’t lose much more than 3-4 lbs a month maximum so you will take at least 3-4 months to lose the covid 15.
The plate thing is a real thing. Have a small amount of food on a large plate just looks like much less food in terms of visual cues to your body. There’s been research on this issue.
Anon
I’m not saying that I don’t believe the plate science, it’s just that buying new plates is not in the cards for me.
I’ve been aiming to lose 1lb/week, I understand that this is a slow process and will take time. My frustration is coming from the fact that I’ll lose a little bit, but then for the next 3 or 4 days I’ll actually gain weight despite being at a deficit!
Looking back at my last ~2 weeks of activity tracking I’ve been averaging about 2300 calories burned / day. My lowest days are around 2,000 (one day was 1,900 but I neither walked nor did I work out that day) and I had 4 days in the 2,600-2,750 range, so I don’t think aiming for 1,300 calories is ideal.My food has mostly been in the 1,450 – 1,550 range.
Anonymous
Your information isn’t consistent – you said usually 1550 and plus sometimes dessert and/or wine? That sounds more like 1800. You really need to weigh/measure everything for a couple weeks to get a true picture. Try one of the tracking apps like WW or MyFitnessPal if paper tracking doesn’t work for you.
Anon
Sorry if it wasn’t clear – dessert (like a few pieces of dark chocolate; not a slice of cake ) and/or wine is included in the 1550!
I track everything in the LoseIt app for food, and I use my kitchen scale to weigh as much of the food as I can. If something has a barcode, I scan it and use that info. I do my best with weighing food, but sometimes in recipes its hard to parse out the exact breakdown. For example – last week I had a sweet potato, black bean, and egg hash. I measured what I put into the recipe when I meal prepped it, and I measured how much I ate at each serving however, one day might have been heavier on the black beans and the next day was heavier on the sweet potato since its all in the same container.
Dahlia
I’m all about intermittent fasting. Well-studied, lots of research papers on it which you can view on pubmed which describe different regimens, and it works great for me.
I don’t have the discipline to weigh everything and keep track, but I can say I only eat during XX hours and even in my mid-30s with a slower metabolism I lose weight quickly. It’s also pretty sustainable for me- I do cheat for “special” occasions (like if I’m on vacation or want to have brunch with my girlfriends or something) but in a sort of mostly-following sometimes-cheating regimen I’m at a happy weight so I don’t feel the need to be more regimented.
Make sure you are getting enough sleep- I find it really hard to lose weight when I’m not sleeping enough.
I also find the easiest weight loss for me involves just cutting whole types of food. Like I have no self-control when it comes to bagels and nutella- so I don’t ever eat them. They are off limits. No soda. No desserts. Whatever your foods that are high calories or not nutrient dense that you don’t love THAT much but maybe mindlessly eat. I don’t give up foods that give me true genuine pleasure (cheese!) but there are whole categories that I can cut without feeling it too much (like soda, sweet tea, cream in coffee… etc)
I think sometimes we talk about weight loss like there is a one-size fits all technique when I think you have to find the way to reduce calories that is sustainable for you!
Last thing- I strongly believe that weight is lost in the kitchen, not the gym. I think most counters and most of us overestimate how many calories we lose from exercise.
Anon
While working from home I do but it is usually frozen Amy’s meals reheated.
Anonymous
I normally eat a hot lunch, premade and just heated at lunchtime. I prefer that to a heavy dinner. Today’s lunch: leftover homemade Indian saag chicken with rice.
As for plate sizes discussed above – 12 inches sound like massive plates! I just measured, and my dinner plates are a little under 9 inches.
Anon
It’s so confusing with some posters saying “you’re probably not eating enough” and others saying “you’re probably eating too much”!
Anonymous
Different things work for different people in different circumstances. Depending particularly on how often and how intensely they are working out. People are just sharing what has worked for them in different circumstances. OP can review and take away a few ideas to try.
Anonymous
Are you weighing and measuring every bite?
Anon
What was your body composition before and after working out. I know you said your clothes don’t fit but where are the pinch points? Stomach or butt or legs? I ask because I was always someone with a bigger belly and really skinny limbs. Kind of the definition of skinny fat. I was 5’7″ and 130 lbs but my stomach was my widest point.
As I’ve started working out due to weight gain, I find my legs and arms have become much more muscular. My stomach might be even smaller even than before though I weigh 150 lbs now. Not to sound like a cliche cross fitter (I don’t do cross fit) but my quads have really built up as well as my glutes and my jeans are snug pulling them up there but not much tighter in my stomach. I also had to rehab a knee injury that involved lots of daily exercises that built up my leg muscles.
I’m also eating three square meals working from home when in the office I never ate breakfast.
I’m not saying just accept your weight gain but figure out where it is coming from and if some of it is healthy or not. Just as an aside, my 6’5″ husband registers “obese” on the BMI scale but has something ridiculous like a 34″ waist. He’s just got muscular arms and legs.
Anonymous
isn’t a 34″ waist normal for that height? Why is it ‘ridiculous’?
Anonymous
I think she is saying that it’s ridiculous that someone with a normal waist size is being classified as obese.
BMI is useless. It ignores body composition and build. It tells overweight women that they are fine and men of healthy weight that they are overweight.
Anon
Thank you. This is what I meant. My skinny fat was unhealthy. He also has some body dysmorphia issues. He eats a pretty restricted diet and exercises a ton. It really messes with him when his after visit summary has him listed as obese with advice on how to lose weight. His doc tells him to ignore it and that it doesn’t apply to him but it is still psychologically damaging if you suffer from such issues.
Also, I am surprised to hear that waist size is normal for his height because when he has a tucked in shirt and belt he looks so thin, at least compared to every other guy I know. He has barely any fat at all in the abdomen.
Anonymous
A healthy guy should have a flat belly and not much fat in the abdomen. We are just used to seeing round guts because so many dudes are overweight.
Anonymous
You cannot tell someone’s health status by their body size alone.
Anon
I’m less concerned about the number on the scale if I”m gaining muscle, which I ‘m not.
I”m a pear shape and so my thighs/butt/hips were my pain point before and continue to be. THey’ve just gotten bigger / squishier than they used to be.
Abby
Few things: I highly recommend using Happy Scale. It’s a free app, and allows you to see the direction your weight is trending on average, which is really motivating for me when it seems like the scale isn’t moving at all.
As for losing weight, I agree with another post to not eat back the calories you burn because most of the time people overestimate calories burned, and underestimate calories consumed.
Whenever I have seriously buckled down to lose weight, I have weighed my food and used My Fitness Pal. Then I eventually stop and go off of intuition, but that is always a good reset for me and yields results. Also throw in cardio once or twice a week!
Anon
Thanks for the advice! I’m using the LoseIt app for food tracking, but will check out Happy Scale!
I wasn’t clear about eating back calories – when I burn extra calories in a day LoseIt gives a recommended number to eat back. I don’t usually hit that entire number but for example, if I burn 2,700 calories in a day it’ll up my budget to 1,700 calories for that day. I totally agree that my garmin is not accurate, so I’m glad that the recommended “extra calories” are only a fraction of what I burned extra.
I track my food using LoseIt, which is similar to MyFitnessPal, and I”ve enjoyed that. I do weigh food most of the time, but I could be better about that.
As for working out- I’ve mostly been biking/spinning, with an occasional run and a few strength workouts (I’d like to be incorporating more strength!). I probably bike outdoors/spin (both biking outdoors on the trail along the river and doing Peleton classes on my non-Peleton spin bike) 4-6 times a week for 30-60 minutes at a time.
Abby
The only other thing I’d suggest would be to cut down on processed carbs (pasta/bread/rice) for a few weeks to see how it affects you. In the winters I really love a vegetable soup -https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/a-detox-soup-that-wont-remind-you-of-the-cabbage-soup-76222985910.html this is really tasty and always makes me feel better if I’ve been feeling sluggish. I don’t think low carb is sustainable, but I always focus on that when it seems like the scale isn’t moving.
As for strength training, I started using Nike Training Club the last few weeks and really like it! There are no equipment programs, and they’re the most challenging workouts I’ve done yet during Covid.
Anonymous
Are you tracking sodium intake in addition to calories? Reducing sodium helped me combat the bloat factor.
Anon
Honestly, give it like 3 months of continue effort . It takes a while to show up.
Kitten
Get 8 hours of sleep a night and drink at least half an ounce per pound of your body weight. I think wine is fine as long as it does not affect your sleep quality (on the weekends I prefer day drinking so that I’m sober by bedtime). Managing sleep and cortisol levels is important if you think there might be a hormonal element at play.
I would not eat more on days you work out, except add in a protein shake after a workout. The workouts should be focused on building muscle, I think the daily walking is enough cardio plus strength training gives some cardio benefit. Disclaimer that this works for me, but I’m not concerned at all about weight, just body fat percentage and how clothes fit.
Anonymous
Has anyone here ever (or come close) to declaring bankruptcy or debt consolidation or anything similar?
PNW
I have, in the aftermath of a messy divorce. Happy to try to answer any questions.
Explorette
Yes, I did a credit counseling service once. It was very helpful and took a huge amount of stress off me.
Anon
Yes, primarily from medical bills incurred pre-ACA from a pre-existing condition.
all about eevee
What are your office pet peeves? Mine is the coworker who walks slowly up and down the hall to microwave the same cup of coffee upwards of twenty times a day.
Cb
I had a co-worker who would use a mobile headset and wander around the office while talking. He’d come into my office and perch, while on the phone with someone else. So annoying!
Vicky Austin
Abuse of the “high importance” flag.
anon
I have yet to see an email flagged as high importance that is actually of high importance
Anonymous
Slacking me with things that will be referenced later or need to be forwarded for background so they belong in an email.
I also can’t stand the name drop of big boss in every convo to make it sound like a thought is shared when it isn’t or the person somehow has an “in” on first knowledge (“big boss and I were talking and…” “ big boss and I had a long meeting and…” 9 times out of 10 big boss says something different or that it isn’t a certainty when I talk directly to him.
Anonymous
I HATE your first one. I have a coworker who drops important decisions into Slack, often sandwiched by gossip, and it’s so annoying.
Anon
The only time I do this is, ‘actually, we should probably stop, because boss just scolded me for that…’ I don’t think it’s quite the same power play you are describing ;).
pugsnbourbon
I had a coworker who would do the coffee thing, too! It didn’t bother me but looking back, I bet it drove my boss up the wall.
My pet peeve is when people don’t replace the paper towels after they use the last one. No, the raggedy quarter-towel stuck to the cardboard is not the last one. This happened surprisingly often at my old job.
all about eevee
Some more info on why the coffee thing bothers me. We are a generally open office with one hallway of private offices. The kitchen with the coffee pot is at the end of the hallway. I am in the private office closest to the kitchen. I usually don’t notice what is going on in the kitchen at all, but this coworker takes slow meandering trips up and down the hallway to microwave their coffee while glancing into offices along the way. It goes on all day, has been happening for at least five years, and drives me crazy. Once, I tracked the trips to the microwave on a post-it with tally marks, and it happened 20 times in one day!
Anon
Yikes! I wonder if they are trying to get in a minimum number of steps per hour.
Flats Only
They are trying to “catch” the important people in the offices for impromptu conversations, or see who is meeting with them. This has nothing to do with coffee. Still totally annoying.
all about eevee
I believe it is more about seeing who people are meeting with or trying to get an idea of what we are working on. When/if you try to speak to this person when they are doing this, they scurry away, so it’s not because they want to talk themself up.
pugsnbourbon
Oh man, being close to the kitchen adds another layer of annoyance to everything.
After a remodel, my desk was going to face not only the kitchen but also the copier. I would literally have had butts and food in my face all. day. long. Plus any issue with the copier would immediately become my issue, because I was closest and a woman – gotta be my job, right? My neighbor and I got the copier relocated, thankfully.
Anon
I had the office facing the restrooms once. Everyone felt like they needed to stop and chat with me on their way out of the loo.
Ses
I once had a desk by the copier. Spent over a year pretending to know zero about how copiers work and where paper is kept. “Oh, sorry, I run paperless so I’m really clueless on copiers. Good luuuuuck!” (When in fact I am very technically inclined and can troubleshoot most machines.)
Anon
Speaking of office kitchens, tell me why the men leave their cups and plates in the sink and figure someone else will take care of it.
I had to pull the only young woman in the IT department aside and tell her it wasn’t her job to do her male coworkers’ dishes.
Anon
My co-worker is likes to play with the trackball toy while I’m on conference calls. But I’m guessing you didn’t mean my pet peeve with my feline coworker during WFH:-) (going back to the office one of these days is going to be a serious struggle)
Anonymous
My officemate doesn’t understand daylight saving time and has been barking for her 5:00 walk at 4:00 for weeks.
Anon
My office mate/assistant to the assistant shipping manager is constantly falling asleep on the job. I appreciate the thorough inspection of all incoming boxes but then he falls asleep before reporting back.
His brother, who was fired for being a loudmouth a long time ago, still comes running when he hears voices on the zoom calls, because he hasn’t asked those voices yet for food, and it might work.
anon
When I’m on Zoom calls my officemate bumps my elbow repeatedly with her snout. Sometimes she also tries to sit on my lap when I’m on calls even though she’s huge. I’m totally going to complain to HR if this continues.
Shelle
This is the second office I’ve worked in where there is someone in a nearby cubicle who has long and/or frequent personal phone calls that everyone hears. I understand humans need to handle personal things from cubicle land and that’s fine. Although it is amusing to listen to someone give detailed instructions to a teenager with an attitude on how to use a washing machine. But in the current office there is someone who has conversations with her mom, her kids, and her husband on the phone throughout the day and she’s always audibly annoyed and getting into these snippy little arguments. It’s embarrassing to hear all her personal business! I would sympathize more if she weren’t such a mean personality in the office. This made me realize I’m enjoying a break from that while currently WFH!
Anon
I used to work with a woman who would get in LOUD arguments with her sister over the phone, and everyone’s head would be popping up to see what was going on. On time it was so loud I checked in with her to see if she was ok and she had no idea what I was talking about! I believe that was just how she and her sister talked to each other.
She was also one of the most brilliant people I ever hired, and I’ve hired a lot of people, so we just overlooked her eccentricities.
Shelle
Too funny! I wonder if my office mate realizes her tone sounds angry. That might just be the way she talks.
anonymous
Check out Ask A Manager update post today for a real doozy.
Anonymous
Does anyone else feel like half the stories on AAM sound fake as hell?
Anon
Of course.
Anonymous
It’s kind of annoying, though. The site used to be a GREAT resource for me, but now I can barely get through the gimmicky posts to find tips on resumes and interviews.
Anon
Nope. I’ve worked in some crazy places and as an employment lawyer, have heard a lot of crazy things.
all about eevee
The stories sound fake and the people who comment there are ridiculous.
Anon
Managers who drape themselves over their direct report’s cubicle for lengthy involved conversations at top volume. This is why you have an office, can I use it if you won’t?
Anon
Extremely loud talkers who talk all the time. I shouldn’t have to use a white noise machine in my office that is upstairs and on the opposite side of the building with two closed doors in between my office and hers.
Lonely Anon
I live alone and as an introvert, that’s been fine during COVID. But today I’m feeling lonely. I feel like I’ve tapped out my friends already lately, and I’m not particularly close with family. I wish my building allowed dogs.
Anon
Internet hugs! Can you schedule something with friends or family in the future? It might be nice to know social time is coming soon, even if it’s not today.
Anon
Dogs: I play a game every day. I look at the Petfinder website and click “find a dog.” I limit my search to 100 miles and dogs that have been on the listings for 1 day. Each day, I pick my new canine companion. It reminds me of playing “choose one” in the Christmas toy catalog when I was a kid. My game entertains me, and has resulted in 2 actual dog adoptions from listings that I shared with friends and family.
Flats Only
Can you go (in mask, hazmat suit, etc) and pick up lunch or coffee somewhere? Smile behind your mask at the person behind the counter. Thank them sincerely. The human connection, no matter how fleeting and insubstantial, will make you feel better.
pugsnbourbon
+1. It depends on your level of risk and the state of your immediate area, but it’s nice to have that interaction. Bonus points if it’s a local spot. I’ve been buying a lot of $6 lattes from a neighborhood place.
Anon
Aw – sending you hugs! Can you volunteer at a shelter? What about getting a cat? Cats can be great companions too and so easy to take care of!
Anonymous
my pandemic-adoption rescue cat heartily endorses this!
Anonymous
I volunteered to walk dogs for my local shelter. Maybe that is an option for you as well.
Anon
I’d been doing well with a wfh routine until last week and now I’m feeling like such a slug. I had a nice, rejuvenating weekend but I’m still exhausted and feeling lazy. Any tips to get back to being productive?
Virgin River Books vs Show
I have gotten majorly wrapped up in season 2 of the show. Anyone read the books? Are they any good?
Anon
I haven’t read the books but I am also impatient for season 3.
OP
Some googling tells me the books and the show are totally different plot-wise, but I bet the books are just a cheesy and dramatic as the show (in a good way)
Anon
I thought season 2 was pretty boring compared to season 1, but maybe it’s because it’s been so long since I watched the first one? I was much more emotionally invested in the first season than season 2.
Mel & Jack forever
I’m currently reading the books after watching season 1 of the show – didn’t get through season 2 yet. I love them. So corny, and a bit dated for the romance genre as they were written 2007-2011 (some slightly weird attitudes about consent, gender roles, etc.), but they make great comfort reads! There is a good amount of overlap with the show, but several big changes were made/ storylines were combined to ramp up the drama for the show. I’ve lived in a big city my whole life, and will for my whole life, so I love living vicariously through literary small towns.
Anonymous
I’ve read the entire “Virgin River” series – five volumes each with about 4 books. I liked them (light reading/romance) and enjoy how characters introduced superficially in one book might be the focus of later books. Enjoy!
Kate
Don’t really feel comfortable celebrating this in real life so I will post here … we paid off the last of my husband’s student loans earlier in the fall and our car loan today, so will go into 2021 with our mortgage as our only debt!
Anonymous
Woohoo!
anne-on
Amazing work, especially in 2020 – that’s awesome!
Airplane.
Yay, congrats!
Carrots
Congrats!
Anon
Congratulations!!!!
JustmeintheSouth
Fabulous!!!!
Senior Attorney
Fantastic! Congratulations!!
Anon for this
I’m trying to mentally prepare for a hard conversation with my parents this evening. Over the course of years, I’ve begun to understand that I have narcissistic parents (gaslighting, enmeshment, manipulation through guilt tripping) but they’ve now pulled their biggest stunt yet. My parents are very wealthy. When the pandemic hit, and my spouse and I found our careers affected, my dad cold called us offering to help. He explained that he had money languishing in savings accounts making barely any interest, and that if some of that money could go towards helping my spouse and I through a difficult time he was happy to offer it. He expressed that if we would pay more than bank interest on that money (eg. 2% per year) then he’d still come out financially ahead of his current situation. In the end, the money was transferred (100k CAD) and put towards costs of selling our home and moving to a place more geared to our current financial reality (land transfer taxes, realtor fees, legal fees, moving costs, etc.) and also fertility treatment.
I asked my father numerous times before he transferred the money to describe his expectations for repayment. He told me on three separate occasions “don’t worry about the terms”. This made me believe he was gifting us the money, which would not be unusual as my parents offered my twin brother a gift in the exact same amount without expectation of repayment (this was two years ago). Then on Saturday, months after the transfer of funds and three weeks into living in our new home, I get an email out of the blue with the title “loan terms”. Within he explains an expectation that starting January 2021 we will begin to repay the money on a 15 year term. We can’t afford this and wouldn’t have taken the money if we had understood this was the expectation. We understood this money was not essential to my parents day-to-day needs and we would pay interest on it at maximum. This current expectation costs us almost 3.5x as much as what was originally understood. Dad wants spouse and I to sign an executed legal agreement (never before mentioned). I’m enraged that he did not allow me the dignity to understand his expectations in advance, and to make decisions accordingly. Now he is backing me into a corner of bad choices. Say no? Sign his stupid agreement that I can’t afford and that doesn’t match previous discussions of payment and flexibility? GAH! What’s worst is I feel that he has somehow had a case of buyer’s remorse, or changed his mind (he’s probably resentful about some perceived slight, like he helped us and now we still haven’t called him enough) and is now trying to pretend as though this was all clear from the beginning. I know we were stupid to accept the money, but we were affected by the pandemic and it was useful help at a critical time.
Any advice about this upcoming conversation? Any commiseration?
Anonymous
There’s no conversation to have. You go to a bank and get a proper loan to repay him or you scrimp and save to make payments until you can get a loan or you withdraw your retirement savings. It sucks that he wasn’t upfront with you, but there’s no way around the fact that you’re now $100k in debt. Better to pay him off and owe a real bank or yourself than to be in debt to him.
Anonymous
Agreed. He didn’t say “this is a gift with no terms” he said “don’t worry about the terms.” Have you spent it all?
anne-on
Agree. Go to a bank, pay them back, and then cut contact if that’s what you want.
I am SO sorry this happened to you. I have similar issues with my parents and after being burned once over a smaller amount (but large to me as I was younger/not making as much) it is a hard and fast rule that we take NOTHING from them nor do we allow them to make large promises to our child (trips/gifts/etc.). I sense that you are also not the ‘favored’ child, which stinks, and I am very very sorry that you have to also have such concrete evidence of favoritism. If you’re able to access it – I would very much suggest therapy to try to come up with strategies and work through your own feelings. I say from experience that having my own child raised lots of ‘hot button’ issues and setting (what are to normal people) reasonable limits inspired MORE not fewer of these types of antics.
Anon
Wait what? No. He gifted them and is now trying to turn it into a loan. They are not in debt. They say “Dad we understood this money as a gift, and when we asked repeatedly you told us not to worry about it which further implies this was a gift. We would not have accepted the money if these were the terms. Unfortunately we are unable to sign this agreement, as it doesn’t represent your words or our understanding when you offered us the money.”
If he’s super manipulative, go get a consult from a lawyer. But they are not in debt.
Anonymous
He never said it was a gift? He said they would pay him more interest than the bank. The bank doesn’t keep his principal money so totally unclear why she thought they would get to keep it. Sounds like the brother got some $$$ and she expected the same and assumed this was it without ever confirming. And it wasn’t so now she’s trying to guilt them into it vs being grateful she had wealthy parents to help them when they were in a jam.
Anonymous
No, it wasn’t a gift. He said if they paid more than the bank was paying, he’d come out ahead. That doesn’t mean, let me give you $100k and never pay it back, it means, we’ll agree on some modest interest rate so that I’ll come out ahead.
Better to owe a bank than this person.
No Face
As for dealing with your dad: do NOT sign that agreement. You can’t afford it and it was not what you discussed. I would send an email saying something along the lines of “That’s not what we discussed Dad. As you know, spouse and I can’t afford those terms. I thought you were giving me a gift, the way you gave brother a gift two years ago.” I would send the email before any oral conversations. NEVER make any promises whatsoever about how you will repay him. You and spouse make a game plan amongst yourselves, based on what you are able to do, and then you execute that plan.
I agree with the above poster: I would rather be in debt to a bank than a manipulative relative. I would consider everything that Anon at 9:44 suggested, except I would never withdraw from my retirement savings.
Don’t beat yourself up. If your parents are narcissists, they have been manipulating you for your entire life. You were in a vulnerable place, and they continued the pattern. You can and will get yourself out of this hole! Then never accept any help of any kind from them. I have one Bad Parent. I cannot describe how much better my life got when I based my interactions with him based on who he is, rather than who he could be or who I wanted him to be.
I wish you the best.
No Face
Reading the other comments and your post again, I realize that your dad was offering a loan with 2% interest the whole time. I wouldn’t pretend I thought it was a gift. The rest of my opinion stands.
Anon
I’m stuck in mod on this clarification to another poster, but his offer wasn’t a loan plus bank interest (he knew that wouldn’t have helped us – we could’ve got a better deal from the bank). The context was it was a gift, but given earlier than he otherwise would’ve (payout of estate) to help us out during a hard time. And we would pay interest on the gift recognizing we were receiving the funds “early”, and this would allow him to make money on this money as if it were still in his possession.
Anonymous
How was he not upfront? He even specified the interest rate in advance! It’s not like he said something vague like ‘we’d like to help you out’. Unless someone says the word ‘gift’, do not assume anything is a gift.
Anonymous
It clearly wasn’t a gift? He talked about you paying more than bank rate interest and him coming out ahead. Figure out what you can pay, at the 2% interest rate you measured, and do that. And never take money from him ever ever again.
Anon
First, I’m sorry, your parents do sound awful and it’s ridiculous to not be explicit about the terms up front. But you do sound like you were pretty clear that your dad wanted a better return on the money than he was getting from the bank and that most definitely means loan not gift. It sounds like this is an unhealthy relationship, but you were happy to take the money and ignore the potential consequences until suddenly faced with them.
Anonymous
This. Sometimes we have a role to play in our parents’ “narcissism”.
Anon
I don’t understand why you would think this was a gift. He said he expected you to pay interest – clearly it was a loan. Somehow you felt entitled to a gift because they gave your twin brother money, but you had every opportunity to ask flat out if it was a gift before the money was transferred to you. No commiseration. Lots of people suffer through worse without the benefit of wealthy parents to loan them money. Make a plan to pay the loan back, and grow up.
Anonymous
+1 Ding ding ding
Anon
Yup, sorry. Also, if it were a gift wouldn’t there be tax implications for an amount that size? Were you prepared to pay taxes on the reportable income?
It’s ok to regret the decision to take the money, and regret the fact you didn’t ask for clarity up front. But the decision was made. This is not a gift and you have to pay it back one way or another.
Senior Attorney
Don’t know about Canada, but in the U.S. gifts are not taxable income to the recipient. Any gift tax issues are only for the giver.
Other than that, I agree that it was always going to be a loan at 2% and the OP is unreasonable to expect it to be a gift.
Anonymous
You probably don’t want to hear this but I think this is on you. He referenced the money being paid back with interest. Lots of parents do this for kids when they wouldn’t qualify for a loan with the bank. It’s normal that he waited for you to settle until the terms would be worked out. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that we waited until now.
Have you tried asking him about different terms? Basically the pandemic has gone on longer than expected and your financial prospects are not improving as soon as you hoped so you would like to do a 25 year term at 1.5%?
Reference – my Dad actually holds our mortgage. We pay 5% interest. No legal agreement but Dad and I are both lawyers so there’s enough in email exchanges to create a clear intention of repayment obligation even if he doesn’t have land title encumbrance rights or anything. I find it super useful because we basically through $$ against the principal whenever we have a bit extra and we’ve renegotiated the monthly payment a few times to adjust to different priorities. That said my parents are not very wealthy. But even if they were- they don’t owe me large financial gifts.
Anon
You can get a 2% mortgage at a bank. You shouldn’t be paying 5%.
Anonymous
I know. But I’d rather pay my Dad 5% vs a bank get 2% so I haven’t bothered to renegotiate. Happy to help them with financial security in retirement. Helps diversify their assets.
Anon
+1 mm
5% is astoundingly high in this environment. Unless you are trying to help your dad out, you might want to revisit this.
Anonymous
It’s more that I don’t mind helping him out and I think it’s good for his peace of mind to have a stable source of income because his portfolio lost a lot in Great Recession and he likes being more diversified. This is less stressful for him vs buying a rental property or similar. He’d would never accept any financial help directly from us (and doesn’t actually ‘need’ it).
Either DH or I could lose our jobs, and we could still repay him easily. And we have excellent credit plus a good amount of equity in the house so we could easily get a mortgage and repay Dad in full pretty much immediately if that was ever necessary.
Vicky Austin
Wait a second. So your dad said that he could loan you the money if you paid above bank interest on said money. You say that you understood that you would only be paying him back the interest. Do you know for sure that he was telling you you would only pay him back the interest? Because if you only pay him back the interest, he’s still out his 100K. I don’t see how this was your automatic assumption, given how loans generally work. Or is that not what you meant?
It is extremely shitty the way he was not forthcoming with you and the discrepancy between this and how he treated your brother and I’m sorry. I have no advice about that.
Anonymous
Yeah I think you heard what you wanted to hear. No way can he add some huge interest rate now without a contract and you shouldn’t sign and agree to it but you obviously have to plan to pay back the money itself and I would say at 2% interest. 15 years isn’t even an unreasonable term?
Anon
Yeah the underlying context, which I should’ve made more clear, is that this wasn’t really presented as a traditional loan at all, more a modified gift. He cold called and offered us money. It was more like “I have these funds that will eventually be part of an estate for you and your brother, if they can help you now I am happy to offer them, and if you pay me more than bank interest on them while I’m still living then it makes it a no-loss financial situation for me to offer them earlier.” The idea of this being a true loan was never part of the discussion until now. When I said “expectations for repayment” I should said “interest expectations” or something else to make this more clear above. He definitely wasn’t saying “pay me the full amount back plus more interest than you’d pay a bank on top of that” because that wouldn’t have been help.
Anonymous
Why do you think 2% if more than you’d pay a bank on this? The amount his money earns in a bank for interest, and the amount that you would pay to a bank in interest on an unsecured loan are two totally different amounts. Where are you getting an unsecured 100K loan at 2% interest? Nowhere but bank of Dad.
OP
Per our discussions, dad meant more interest than he would make from a savings account at a bank. Not more interest than we would pay a bank on a loan. He literally meant these funds were already earmarked for me (same amount had already been gifted to my brother) and he only makes like 1.2% interest from bank in savings account so if we paid more than that he will transfer them now.
all about eevee
Did you tell him you couldn’t afford to pay him back when he offered the money and mentioned being paid more than bank interest?
Anonymous
So is he now asking for the $100k back plus 7% interest (you mentioned 2% and 3.5x) or is he only asking for 7%? 7% is high for family, but again, I think we’re back in the “this sucks, but it is what it is” camp.
Anon
Ah, this makes more sense on how he was implying getting the interest only would be helpful if he was always planning on giving you the principal as part of the estate.
Can you use that as part of the negotiation? Like, if he was planning to give you this as part of the estate anyway instead of you trying to repay the whole thing can he instead just draft in his will or whatever that upon his death you get $100K less than you would have otherwise?
Anon
Honestly I think the confusion over the position here is indicative of a general lack of clarity in the discussions themselves. There’s a lot of “wasn’t really” and “more like” in your response which doesn’t speak to me of clarity and certainty. It sounds like you really wanted it to be a loan and heard what you wanted to hear.
I think you need to deal with this unfortunate misunderstanding in as business-like a manner possible. Pay back what you haven’t spent and either get a bank loan for the rest or negotiate terms with your father.
Lilau
That was my reading too. I’m not understanding how it was not initially seen as a (somewhat predatory) loan with that as the original pitch. He wanted to use his kid to beat interest rates, what a guy!
Also, OP just wanted to send hugs and support on the unequal treatment of children. I get it. Before my sibling passed away, he was being paid more than my lawyer salary for a no show job with a family business that my parents started to give him a future and had been living rent free in a building my dad owns for a decade and driving a luxury car paid for by the business. Meanwhile, my husband and I do the two working parents, paying off loans and mortgages, forking over a fortune to daycare thing. I know some parents work hard to make things equal, but ours don’t. I’m sorry, it’s frustrating and it hurts.
Anon
To be fair on your first point, the spread between what one can earn at a bank vs what one needs to pay a bank for an unsecured loan is wide, so an intrafamily personal loan can be a win-win for both parties and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that per se.
This particular situation though is obviously a cluster.
Lilau
Right-I see what you’re saying. In theory, the this could have been mutually beneficial. But yeah, the dad seemed self interested even if I read this in the light most favorable to him.
MK
Money was transferred before you signed any repayment document? I would look into talking to a lawyer in your jurisdiction to confirm this is a gift, not a loan.
Anon
Just to quibble on one point, when you say: “He expressed that if we would pay more than bank interest on that money (eg. 2% per year) then he’d still come out financially ahead of his current situation.” I understood that to mean this was a loan you paid back. Because in no way would just paying him the interest (no principal) be described as “coming out ahead” for him. So maybe just to give him the small benefit of the doubt that if that’s how he expressed it, maybe he assumed you understood that.
That being said, when you were trying to ask about the terms he definitely should not have said don’t worry about it. Sorry I don’t have any solid advice except hard lessons learned for next time. To the other poster suggesting taking out a separate loan to pay him back, while I understand the desire to be free of this, if you would be paying way more than 2% on that loan that feels a little like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Could you negotiate the terms to be longer than 15 years to help the payment dollars per period?
Can you look at it like you would have needed this money somehow, someway for the things you described regardless so while it doesn’t meet what you were expecting, it would have had to come from somewhere else if not this situation?
Good luck.
Anonymous
This. He’s ‘don’t worry about it’ was clearly in relation to setting out the terms and not to be taken as ‘that money I referenced you repaying with a higher interest rate than the bank would pay me is now a gift’.
anon
Did you use all of the 100k? Give him back whatever is left, then negotiate the payment term for the rest. I don’t see how you’re legally bound to his terms at this stage. Nothing was signed at the time of transfer.
Another anonymous judge
Well, this sounds very unpleasant.
However, the fact of the matter is that neither you nor your parents’ clarified your positions in writing before you and your husband accepted this money.
I would suggest that you take as much of your emotion as possible out of this situation. Leave aside your judgments and conclusions about your parents’ personalities, and whatever hurt you feel because they gave your brother money and not you. Further, it seems to me that your “thought” this was a gift was optimistic in the extreme, if indeed that is TRULY what you thought. With respect, it seems to me this was a “hope” more than a true belief grounded in concrete evidence.
I feel that you should simply be up front with your parents and say that you cannot afford the repayment terms your father is suggesting and suggest terms that you can afford. Of course you do not have to sign an agreement if you don’t “agree” to it, but it strikes me that you will be in a better position in the long run if you have a written agreement that you CAN live with. It seems clear that will not include a response from your parents like “oh yes, we DID mean to give you a loan, forget all about it!”
I understand you are hurt by your parents’ behaviour and upset with yourself for allowing this situation to develop but you are an adult person and you just need to be business-like in dealing with this situation. Your parents will never be the people to help you address the emotional fallout of this unfortunate matter – that is work you will have to do outside the bounds of whatever relationship you have (or don’t have) with them going forward. It’s best to accept this, and make the best deal you can for you and your husband.
With this approach it is possible you come out of this unpleasant situation with your pride and an agreement that you and your husband can live with. The fallout for your parents may be that they do not end up with any sort of loving relationship with you or your future children, but that will be your decision and possibly the natural consequences of their actions, but it won’t be useful for you to focus on that at this point. That’s something for you and possibly a counsellor or therapist to work on over time.
Sorry you are in this situation. Hopefully you can find a way forward that is acceptable to you.
Another anonymous judge
Further, before you reply to your father, I do think it would be worth discussing the matter with a lawyer, with copies of any and all correspondence or notes you have leading up to the transfer. I ought to have included that in my reply – but ultimately I believe my advice would be as stated here.
Anon
+1
Senior Attorney
This is wise advice, OP, especially the part about seeking legal advice! I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation!
anon a mouse
I’m sorry, this stinks. But if he told you that he expected more interest than the bank, then I think it was a signal that he expected repayment. If at all possible, I would get a bank loan and repay him ASAP — that’s the best way to try to remove this element from your relationship. If that’s not possible and you have to talk things through, I would focus less on the fact that you were treating it like a gift and more on the repayment terms to something that’s workable for you. Would a 20- or 30-year term be more workable for you? Or an arrangement where you pay annually that will give you more time to get yourselves settled in your new place?
Airplane.
I reread your post over and over and just do not see how you could see this as a gift? Am I missing something? He specifically said “if we would pay more than bank interest on that money (eg. 2% per year) then he’d still come out financially ahead of his current situation” – that means it is a loan and you pay him more than 2% interest, which is still a lower interest rate than if you went to bank to get a loan. How could he possibly “come out financially ahead” if he just gifted you 100k and you paid him the interest on 100k? That just doesn’t make sense?
I’m sorry you have shitty parents. I have been there.
Anonymous
Agreed I don’t get it at all. Or how you spent 100k in a few months on selling a house and fertility treatments. You’ve only had time for one cycle?
all about eevee
Gifts don’t come with interest.
Anon
I am not saying any of this to make you feel bad, but I do need to give you a bit of a reality check.
The money was not a gift, ever. Whenever someone gives you money and uses the word “terms,” the money is a loan. You erred in not insisting that your dad tell you the terms and sign an agreement about how the repayment would happen before you deposited his money in your bank account. $100k is a lot of money. That’s the kind of money families end up in court over (I am sure the lawyers on the board will have stories of families who ended up in court over less). I am not trying to be mean, genuinely, but taking the money and keeping your fingers crossed there wouldn’t be an expectation of repayment was not a great plan. And unfortunately, it’s backfired on you. This is an expensive lesson. We don’t take money from my parents any more (they have offered us small amounts, like $1,500 USD or less, over the years in various circumstances) because while they would not expect to be monetarily repaid there was always some kind of string attached to the transaction, and emotionally it was too hard and not worth it.
I think the tough conversation you need to have is with your spouse, about what you’re going to do to get this repaid. You may need to liquidate other assets or sell your house. I am not sure how this works in Canada, but in the U.S. you could refuse to sign an agreement or make repayment, let your dad take you to court, and agree to enter into mediation so you end up with a repayment agreement that is more favorable. If you were in the U.S. this could get really ugly, with your dad filing liens against your house, filing to garnish your wages, etc.
I don’t have great advice for you about the “tough conversation” you need to have with your parents because I don’t think there’s anything you’re going to say that is going to sway your dad into regarding the money as a gift. It’s worth explaining that you can’t afford the payment plan he’s offering and offering a counter-proposal, but if your dad is not inclined to accept, my feeling is you’re going to end up in court. This is a mess, no two ways about it, and hopefully you and your family can get through it. Good luck.
Anonymous
He gave you an interest free loan for months and you’re mad? Did you ever say ‘Thanks so much for the generous gift Dad! We really appreciate how gifting us this money will help us.’ If you’d bothered to actually say ‘thank you for the gift’ then you wouldn’t be in this situation.
You knew this wasn’t a gift, you are mad your twin brother got money gifted, and you hoped to turn this into a gift and now you’re mad that he’s calling you on it. He’s not the narcissist in this scenario.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
I take this back. Read your replies about him signing a ‘gift letter’ to the bank. That’s confusing AF. I still think you should have expressly clarified with him at the time but he was being weird as well.
Anonymous
I assumed he signed the “gift letter” so as not to compromise their chances of getting a mortgage on the new house. Don’t rich people do this all the time?
mortgage fraud
If they do, it could be mortgage fraud (if, in fact, the money was not a gift and was to be paid back.)
anon
Yes rich people definitely do this
Emma
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but add me to the list of people who don’t understand how you thought it was a gift if you were going to pay 2% interest all along. It sound like it was always a loan… I recently took a loan from my parents to help with a downpayment on the house. My parents believe clear terms make for healthy relationships and I’m a contract lawyer, so we agreed on terms, interest and repayment schedule and signed a simple contract before the money ever hit my bank account. It’s a way better deal than I would have gotten from a bank and I don’t expect my parents to enforce it if I face unexpected financial hardship (unemployment, illness, etc), but it’s the deal we made. I think legal documents are never a bad thing – if you want a gift, you should always get a gift letter (assuming you are in Canada, it could be required by the tax authorities anyway). At this point, I think your options are (1) have a talk with your dad and negotiate better terms, explaining this wasn’t your understanding (I don’t see how you can get it to be a gift unless he offers, but you could get a more spread out payment schedule perhaps); or (2) go to a bank, get a loan and pay back your dad so you don’t need to deal with the emotional component of this.
Diana Barry
I would go to a lawyer. Set everything out for them and THEY can advise you re: whether your dad would be able to prove it was a gift or a loan. It doesn’t matter what we as internet commenters think, esp since you are in Canada and most of us are in the US.
OP
OP here again. I have tried to clarify above but it’s also worth saying, he DID sign a gift letter to our mortgaging bank, so that the funds could be considered in the underwiritng process of our new mortgage. That letter explicitly says no expectation of repayment. And that is the only written documentation there is regarding these funds. When I would say “we also need to discuss any terms you may have” he would only respond “don’t worry about it” after having already signed a gift letter to a bank. So yes, we did continue to have the impression it was a gift, albeit modified (as described above to some posters).
Anonymous
Well I suggest you figure out your story before you talk to him. Because you did a terrible job presenting it here.
If he signed a letter saying it was a gift, then it was a gift. But do you want it? Pay back anything you haven’t spent. Take out a home equity line for the rest as soon as you can.
Anon
“Well I suggest you figure out your story before you talk to him. Because you did a terrible job presenting it here.”
Blunt but outstanding advice.
Emma
Hm, that changes things a bit. The gift letter is more for the bank than for you, but it does give you some leverage to push back on the loan since you haven’t signed anything yet… You may want to talk to a lawyer. I’m sorry this is happening – mixing family and money is always stressful.
Airplane.
Oh, this is completely different now that I’ve read your followups. Please consult a lawyer, do not sign the agreement. Don’t discuss with your father and advise your spouse not to either until you have talked to a lawyer and gotten advice. I’m so sorry you are doing through this. My father was manipulative and constantly tried to mess with my emotions and my life until I cut off all communication. He was a complete nightmare. You’re not alone.
anne-on
That changes things completely. My parental loan many years ago was part of my down payment for an apartment, my bank and the co-op board BOTH needed to have a signed and notarized ‘gift’ letter for the funds as part of my submission packets. I did make payments on that money (didn’t want to be ‘that kid’ taking money, and it was more that they had the money in a lump sum when I did not yet have it saved). After a year or so my parents verbally told me to stop making payments. Then in another year or so they were mad about something else and tried to hold the remaining amount over my head and made noises about small claims court. That stopped pretty quickly when I reminded them about the signed, notarized paperwork I had clearly stating it WAS a gift.
Vicky Austin
If he signed something, that changes everything!
Anon
So this is really pertinent information that should have been included in your original post! I will let the lawyers weigh in on what this means for your situation but this probably does change things.
anon
This may change things a lot, and I would definitely talk to a lawyer!
A
As a Canadian banker, the information you provided to the bank is fraudulent
So I’m not sure how you can now borrow again to repay your dad. Every new product opened, a loan, a chequing account, an investment etc must have the purpose declared, this is a government anti-money laundering (AML) requirement and all big 6 banks take AML very seriously
You may not be able to borrow additional funds
all about eevee
Would your Dad work with you if you maybe asked for different terms?
anon
I agree that if your dad signaled he wanted to make more than bank interest on that money, that’s a signal that he intended it as a loan. I would try to come up with a payment plan you can afford, using a loan calculator. Maybe some combination of a lower interest rate and longer repayment term. A 20 year loan at 1.5% interest would be $482.55 per month instead of $643.50. 1.5% is still about double the average CD interest rate. You could also ask for 6 more months, hoping the economy and your financial situations will improve with the vaccine etc.
Anonymous
This was a loan. Can you counter on the terms, like a longer repayment period, to get to something you can handle?
Anon
I feel like many of the responses haven’t dealt with narcissistic, manipulative parents. I’m willing to bet he made it sound like she only needed to pay the “slightly more than 2%” interest when first discussing it, and then when she kept asking for specifics and he said “don’t worry about it” it was carefully phrased to imply she wouldn’t owe that either. I’m going to guess he knew she wouldn’t have taken it if she thought she was paying back the full amount and was very thoughtful in how he phrased it to get her to take the money so he could have more strings to pull.
OP, I’m sorry this happened. You might want to ask a non-internet board lawyer for advice, but depending on the level of narcissism, be prepared for more gaslighting and changing expectations again. Don’t sign anything until you’ve gotten clear advice on your next path. It doesn’t sound like you’re strong enough quite yet to fully stand up to him, so it might be worth a bank loan to pay him off and then wipe your hands of ever accepting money from them again. And then please work on therapy (or read through the reddit channel on narcissistic parents) for help on breaking the cycle for yourself and your future kids.
Anon
Or take the money, rely on the gift letter to not pay it back and wipe your hands of him – if he really is some terrible person you don’t want in your life.
Flats Only
This may be a total flyer, but how about this scenario:
1- Realize you are never going to talk to your parents again, starting right now.
2 – Contact a lawyer and explain your situation. Since you only have a verbal contract, it should be hard for your father to change the terms of it. He’s got no documentation. Even if he had recorded calls, they would show that the terms discussed were different from what he’s attempting for force on you now. Have your lawyer offer your father an agreement with repayment terms you feel you agreed to. If he doesn’t sign, too bad for him. He won’t have emotional leverage over the lawyer, so hopefully he’ll snap into business mode and get the deal done.
3 – Refer any contact from your parents to your attorney.
You will spend a bit of money on the lawyer, but it sounds like it’s worth it to get free of your father.
Anonymous
“Realize you are never going to talk to your parents again”? This makes me so sad. There are clearly two sides to this story, given the multiple details that keep being added to this tale.
all about eevee
Sometimes, the best thing for everyone is to end the relationship. This is one of those cases where it sounds like everyone would be better off if they went separate ways.
Anon
As someone who almost went through the same experience (a parental gift that was actually a secret loan), you have my sympathies. Luckily I got clued in before it was too late. I don’t really have any advice but it’s so hard and I’m sorry.
Anon
Just to put something out there to ponder: are you 100% confident that they are still “very wealthy”? I only ask bc I feel like there is often more layers to peoples finances than meets the eye, and I’m one of those adult kids that has NO idea about my parents financial situation. I wonder if something changed where now all of a sudden they actually kind of need the money back, even if slowly.
Not that this changes your situation, just something to consider.
Anon
Or there are tax implications to this he didn’t realize and needs it to be a loan, not a gift, for tax reasons. I am neither a tax lawyer nor Canadian, so I have no idea what the Canadian tax laws are, but end of the year time makes me think an accountant probably flagged it as a potential issue or something.
OP
Yes I am confident they are wealthy because alongside the gift letter, my dad had to provide the mortgaging bank (as part of underwriting) a statement of where the money was coming from to show it had been there for at least three months. The account, just an “everyday” type savings account, had over $900k in it. He also has investment accounts, retirement accounts, tax free savings accounts, multiple properties paid off in Toronto. I obviously can’t know the whole picture but you will have to trust that the context was “it won’t be hard for me to offer you this help earlier as my daughter” – that was the tone, until it wasn’t.
anne-on
If there is this much documentation of the gift letter I think you need to get a lawyer involved.
The original Scarlett
There’s a lot going on here, but different take. This is your dad, he gave you money recently, there’s probably hard feelings about something going on and I wouldn’t escalate things with lawyers and negotiations yet. I’d do whatever family dynamics moves make sense to you (talk to your brother, mother, figure out what’s really motivating the change from gift/don’t worry about it to terms) and deal with that aspect. I know there’s jerk parents who sue their kids, and only you can know if you’re in a family like that, but this sounds like an interpersonal dynamics problem not a legal one that’s just complicated by money.
anon
I agree that this sounds like an interpersonal dynamics problem, and OP should deal with that in whatever way is most likely to de-escalate tensions.
However, with OP’s added information that there was a bank letter saying it was a gift, OP should consult with a lawyer. She can tell the lawyer that she wants to understand her obligations and avoid court. The fact is, if her parents are manipulative and narcissistic, as OP suggests, this is going to keep coming up. OP needs to get information and develop a script for dealing with her parents when it does.
I’d also have some concerns about bank fraud if OP and her father told the bank it was a gift, and OP later signs a contract agreeing to loan terms. A lawyer could help clarify whether there’s any merit to those concerns.
Anon
I was wondering your last point as well.
Anon
Isn’t it a potential taxable event/tax issue, too, to pivot from gift (reportable income) to loan?
Anon
OP is in Canada so I don’t know how this applies there, but just wanted to correct this common misconception: gift tax as taxable income is not a thing, at least not at the federal level. The person who gives you money has to declare it to the IRS if it’s more than $15,000 per person per year, but that only counts as part of your lifetime exclusion of more than $11 million from the estate tax. This really applies to almost nobody.
Anon
Great to know. Thank you!
Anon
In the US does the receiver have to pay taxes if it’s more than $15k?
Anon
Anon at 11:43… my in-laws received a lot of money from a GoFundMe after the very sudden death of the dad in the family. That’s the advice they were given from their accountant and relayed to me and DH. Maybe something was lost in translation, but they were told they can receive > $15k in total (they were well in excess of it) but not from any one person because it was a tax trigger of some kind to get a single donation >$15k.
Now I’m just really curious… does anyone know what’s true? There has to be some variability by state, I’d think. In our case they were in FL.
Senior Attorney
No. Gifts are never taxable to the recipient.
Anon
The estate tax threshold might vary from state to state (and could change at the federal level in the future), but the recipient of a gift never owes tax on the gift as income. The 15k thing just means that the giver has to file a form saying that they gave the money as a gift against their future estate, not that anyone owes any tax. I have no idea why this misconception is SO common.
NYCer
+1000. Obviously all family dynamics are different, but I cannot imagine escalating something like this to a lawyer if I were in OP’s shoes
anon
I just re-read the whole thing, and I think the confusion is this:
OP’s father was saying that he was going to give her $100k either way (that is, now, or in his will) and that if he gave it now and she paid him more than the 2% interest he’d be getting from the bank, instead of having 2% interest on $100k, he would have 4% interest on $100k. Either way the principal would be a “gift” to OP, though ultimately I assume she would also have gotten the interest he’d earned in his will, too.
Anonymous
No advise on the convo but would recommend you read the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents,” by lindsay gibson
Good Luck
My read on this is super different than a lot of other posters so here goes: It sounds (to me) like your father was essentially investing his $100K with you with the understanding you would pay more than 2% interest. Hence he is better off than if he leaves it in the bank. However, you seem to have felt there was no anticipation you would re-pay the principal. That completely makes sense to me; although it does leave you paying that (unspecified) interest forever. Obviously in a perfect world, this would have been documented in writing but in family situations this so often does not happen. The fact that he signed a gift letter for the bank is going to make it very difficult for him to claim otherwise unless he wants to admit to bank fraud.
So what to do next?
(1) Do not sign anything. Seriously – just don’t do it. He does not get to negotiate the terms of the gift/loan at this stage. But anything you sign might be binding.
(2) Send an email. Set forth clearly and plainly your understanding that this was a gift as he said in his letter to the bank and all he was asking was that you pay interest during his lifetime to make up for the income he no longer has due to giving you those funds. Personally I would mention the bank letter and express some concern that changing that now might be construed as bank fraud BY YOU. (And it could be.)
(3) If you anticipate having the financial wherewithal to borrow the money from a bank once the pandemic is over, then offer to do that to repay the principal and reiterate that you will continue to pay the interest in the meantime.
(4) Decide what your relationship with your parents is worth to you. And from a purely selfish and horribly materialistic stand point, decide what your potential future inheritance is worth to you. Balance that against your own mental health and happiness and proceed accordingly. I would advise strongly against any open confrontation because narcissists do not change and it will not accomplish anything other than upsetting you.
Anon
+1 to all of this excellent advice.
Another anonymous judge
Now that I know there was a gift letter to the bank I agree with this excellent advice with one caveat.
In between item (1) DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING and (2) send an email, I would add 1(a) TALK TO A LAWYER – there was excellent advice on this point from anon at 11:29 on this point. You do not have to respond to your father’s email today. You do not have to speak to him today, at least about this issue. Do not put anything in writing or get involved in a conversation with your father without you and your husband knowing where you stand legally. Your lawyer can advise you what is the best step to take from a legal perspective and you can factor that in to your own personal decisions once you know more.
My stand by my earlier comments about taking emotion out of your decision-making process as far as possible.
Anonymous
OP, I read through this again and I swear you are me. Went through almost the exact same scenario, right down to the twin getting a real gift first and that being the standard I thought we were agreeing to. It’s really uncanny.
anne-on
Narcissistic parents LOVE to play good kid/bad kid and money is often a favorite lever. It doesn’t necessarily help when you don’t need support because then you’re ‘too good for them/their money’. Ask me how I know…
Anonymous
Totally. It gets even more fun when stepkids are involved. Sigh. I was a combination of hurt and proud when I turned down the “gift” in the end.
Seventh. Sister
My in-laws would 100% pull this kind of thing, no question. I’m worried they will do something like this with respect to a much smaller amount of money my husband borrowed about 18 months ago. My suggestion would be to figure out how to borrow the money on terms you can afford, pay him back immediately, and end the loan/gift/whatever entanglement asap. And I’m sorry!
FWIW, my parents have lent money to my sister at a particular interest rate, but they all signed a paper and agreed to terms before it ever started. Your parents should have been clear up front.
Hungry after BC
I stopped using hormonal BC a few weeks ago, and I’m wondering if it might be connected to me being absolutely ravenous / craving junk food, especially chocolate. There is no chance that I’m pregnant, so it’s not that. Just wondering if anyone has experienced this too, since I feel like the common wisdom is that people lose weight when they stop BC?
Anonymous
If it was Mirena, it could be the “Mirena crash.” If so, it will pass.
anon
I commented a few months ago about going through this same thing. You’re not alone!
chicago haircut
Does anyone have a recommendation for a hairdresser in Chicago (loop or loop-adjacent preferred)? I have hair that’s wavy/curly/frizzy in the summer and kind of flat on top and big on the bottom now that it’s cold and dry. Only air dry my hair, so looking for someone who can give a cut that doesn’t require any styling. Thanks in advance for your help! You all haven’t led me astray yet, lol.
Elizabeth
I have similar hair. I’ve been going to Tara at Art and Science Wicker Park for at least 14 years (yikes). She’s wonderful.
BB
Reverie Salon in River North. Both my husband and I go there to different stylists , and we love them both. I don’t have curly hair though, so not sure if that makes it different? In general, I’d say they are super professional, high quality, and are really good with COVID precautions (not letting you in until your appointment, spacing people, not blow drying, lots of sanitizing).
Anon
Alex at Mane Salon. I like her because she is very good at figuring out what I want and what will look good, when I myself don’t know what I want and certainly wouldn’t know how to articulate it if I did.
anonchicago
I go to Alondra, formerly at Lavender Park but now at Twisted Scissors in Logan Square. I have curly/frizzy hair and prefer low maintenance and air dry.
Anonymous
Anyone here live in Portland, Maine (and surrounds)? We’re considering where we want to live and settle down and it’s a city I’ve always enjoyed visiting, but I would appreciate perspectives from people who actually live there (the one friend I have there loves it, though). My husband and I are DINKS (although we are considering having kids) who enjoy the outdoors, decent food, and cities that aren’t too crowded. It would be nice to have access to a few great restaurants, but we don’t need a big entertainment “scene.” We also love winter! It’s my dream to live close enough to a ski hill to get a season pass and go every weekend (and get really into backcountry). We used to live in Boston but now we’re on the West Coast. Do we think about moving back…the thought of another cross-country move is daunting, but it seems like the quality of life in Maine is potentially high. We’d like to really think about doing this while we’re still childfree.
Anon Portland native
It’s the greatest place in the world. Move here immediately.
Speaking more rationally, as someone who grew up here, left for about 20 years and lived lots of other places, and came back in 2017:
The restaurants are excellent. The public schools are quality. Beaches, walking trails and light hiking are all easily accessible, with more serious hiking and skiing doable for day trips. There’s a lot of great live music, actually, in non-Covid times. Summer and fall are famously beautiful.
It does feel “crowded” (at least to us) during tourist season, so be prepared for that. Hard to find a parking spot or a table from about June-Oct downtown. It’s far more expensive than it was during my childhood, and gentrification is a major controversy, including the presence of AirBnB (and the like) driving up the cost of living and driving out working class people. Winter is real and lasts about 8 months, and there isn’t really a “spring” to speak of.
What else do you want to know???
Anonymous
Thank you, this is helpful!! I would love to hear advice on neighborhoods and how the access to skiing is (if you’re a skier). I can look on Google maps, of course, but do you get Denver-level crowds causing major traffic on the way to the slopes every weekend? As for neighborhoods, are there still places left where you can get a nice older home with a small amount of land/large lot?
Anon Portland native
I haven’t skied since I was a kid, but I never hear people complaining about congestion on the way to the slopes. I mean, people here do complain about traffic, but it is not “traffic” at all on the scale of a major city.
My thoughts on neighborhoods and homes would really depend on your budget. Sounds like you want an old farm house with significant land? That’s not really available in Portland proper. There are many such homes in the greater area, though it is $$$$. Look into Freeport, Yarmouth, Falmouth, Cape Elizabeth, maybe Westbrook, Saco, Scarborough depending on your priority of being near the ocean. If I misunderstood that, let me know.
Anonymous
Thank you! This is very helpful.
Anon
I used to live in Durham. Very rural, very cheap, 15 mins to Lewiston, Brunswick and Freeport. Half hour to Portland.
Emma
I love Portland ME and looked into relocating there. Not sure what field you’re in but I’m in law and there wasn’t much going on and the market is very local. Other than that, we have friends who live there and really like it. Warning that it is a smaller town than it might feel, and everyone kind of knows everyone else’s business. There are some good schools if you want kids. It’s not particularly diverse, though.
Anon Portland native
Interesting–I have never felt that everyone knew my business. And this despite my whole family being here, has been for decades, and most of us have public-facing jobs. What gossip am I missing out on?!
I’m told that people from outside of Maine feel they get the cold shoulder here, with a strong preference for natives going back generations. However, Portland has changed so much in this generation I don’t think it’s true in Portland anymore. Elsewhere in Maine, more so.
Anonymous
I live just south of Portland – if you can find a job, it is an amazing life. I moved back here from NJ several years ago, and my blood pressure actually dropped significantly in the first six months. My commute is 45 minutes, but it is a pleasant drive, and I don’t have to deal with anyone with road rage. If you do decide to have kids, the schools are excellent and turning your kids out of the house and telling them to come back for dinner is still a thing.
Anonymous
Aahhh, turning my kids out and telling them to come back for dinner has always been the dream!! If we do have them, I realllyyyyy want them to enjoy a carefree, no-adults-hovering childhood as much as possible. Do you mind saying where you live south of Portland? Once we can travel again (hopefully summer?), I think we’ll plan a trip to check it out and I’d love to “browse” the residential neighborhoods.
Anonymous
I live in the Kennebunk area, but my folks live up near Boothbay Harbor and it is similar up there. It can be crazy in the summer, but we switch to biking if we need to go into town then. If you are in a tourist region south of Portland, stay away from Rts 1 and 9 – they can get insane. I ski every weekend in the winter, but at a smaller mountain in NH because of the aformentioned kids (no use wasting the money for a name brand ski area on kids who are happy skiing a smaller mountain!). Sunday River is about 2 hours away (1.5 from Portland) and Sugarloaf and Sugarbush are about 3/2.5 hours. No traffic to speak of heading into them – you might sit at a light for 1 or 2 cycles, but that is as bad as it gets. Feel free to post a burner e mail if you’ve got more questions – I love it here!
MagicUnicorn
Reporting back on the butternut squash lasagna recipe I made for dinner last night. It was really tasty! It did take a little over 2 hours from start to finish, so I would probably do it on a weekend next time so it is ready closer to our normal meal time. Not difficult, just took a while to peel and slice the squash. Other tweaks for next time: I would add more salt, and would incorporate the onions into the sauce instead of sauteing them with the mushrooms so the sauce has a bit more flavor. The squash slices need to be even so they cook through all the same, and closer to 1/8″ than to 1/4″ if you want it to be done in the time given.
MagicUnicorn
Recipe link: http://www.eatingwell.com/recipe/274297/noodle-less-butternut-squash-lasagna/
Another anonymous judge
Well, this sounds very unpleasant.
However, the fact of the matter is that neither you nor your parents’ clarified your positions in writing before you and your husband accepted this money.
I would suggest that you take as much of your emotion as possible out of this situation. Leave aside your judgments and conclusions about your parents’ personalities, and whatever hurt you feel because they gave your brother money and not you. Further, it seems to me that your “thought” this was a gift was optimistic in the extreme, if indeed that is TRULY what you thought. With respect, it seems to me this was a “hope” more than a true belief grounded in concrete evidence.
I feel that you should simply be up front with your parents and say that you cannot afford the repayment terms your father is suggesting and suggest terms that you can afford. Of course you do not have to sign an agreement if you don’t “agree” to it, but it strikes me that you will be in a better position in the long run if you have a written agreement that you CAN live with. It seems clear that will not include a response from your parents like “oh yes, we DID mean to give you a loan, forget all about it!”
I understand you are hurt by your parents’ behaviour and upset with yourself for allowing this situation to develop but you are an adult person and you just need to be business-like in dealing with this situation. Your parents will never be the people to help you address the emotional fallout of this unfortunate matter – that is work you will have to do outside the bounds of whatever relationship you have (or don’t have) with them going forward. It’s best to accept this, and make the best deal you can for you and your husband.
With this approach it is possible you come out of this unpleasant situation with your pride and an agreement that you and your husband can live with. The fallout for your parents may be that they do not end up with any sort of loving relationship with you or your future children, but that will be your decision and possibly the natural consequences of their actions, but it won’t be useful for you to focus on that at this point. That’s something for you and possibly a counsellor or therapist to work on over time.
Sorry you are in this situation. Hopefully you can find a way forward that is acceptable to you.
Another anonymous judge
Ack, nesting fail. Meant for the poster taking money from her parents, above.
literal gardening gift
My husband put a Hori Hori knife on his Christmas wish list. Anyone have a favorite gardening site (or any site, really) from which I can get a good quality one for him? I’ve looked on Amazon, but there are so many options and i’m becoming increasingly skeptical about quality of the things I’ve been getting from there lately.
Anonymous
Check Gardener’s Supply (dot com, I think).
Shelle
Second this. Had a great experience ordering a gift from this company two years ago.
Anonymous
Ah, it’s just gardeners.com. https://www.gardeners.com/buy/gardeners-lifetime-hori-hori-knife/8608888.html
Gail the Goldfish
Oh, that’s what those things are called? My mom got me one for Christmas several years ago and it is indeed insanely useful around the garden. I don’t know what brand mine is, unfortunately, but I would check your local plant nursery as many sell gardening supplies as well.
Anonamoose
I picked up running as a hobby during the pandemic and would really love to continue it during the winter (DC area winter), but I think I need some warmer gear. I think I need gloves/mittens, an ear cover/hat, and maybe a better outer layer? I’d love recommendations for someone who’s super cold naturally about what works while running. I know I’ll warm up moving, but I think my hands need to be as warm as possible (what’s better for that–gloves or mittens?). I’ve been looking at the Lululemon Down for It all vest and jacket but haven’t picked yet. My upper arms get cold easily, but the vest looks like it’s easier to move in and layer. Any tips for a newbie trying to maintain their motivation through winter is greatly appreciated!
Anonymous
Mittens will keep your fingers warmer and are quicker to pull on and off to use your phone or watch. The “e” gloves never work for me.
You will want an outer layer that blocks wind, probably a jacket that covers your arms if you’re always cold. Even a slight breeze makes a huge difference.
As a driver, I implore you to wear a lighted vest if you will be running in the road when it’s dark out.
CountC
Mittens FTW. I throw a heat warmer in there and unless I am running an ultra, one set does the trick without having to replace them.
anon
What temperatures are you typically running in? I run cold naturally, but that isn’t necessarily the case once my body is warmed up for running.
– Gloves or mittens — Comes down to personal preference. I prefer gloves. I usually end up taking them off 15-20 minutes into my run. I also have a pair of flip-top mittens, which are the best of both worlds! I can take down the flap when I start getting hot, but most of my hand is still covered.
– Ear cover — I personally prefer a headband unless the temps are below 25 or so. Hats make my head really sweaty; it’s more imperative to have the ears covered, IMO.
– If your upper arms get cold (mine do, too), I wouldn’t recommend a vest as your main warming piece. I would try something like a technical hoodie or pullover to layer over a long-sleeve running top. Brooks and New Balance have some good winter options. Some people like the hybrid ones (down core + technical fleece arms), but again, that won’t help you much if your arms run cold.
Anonymous
In NoVa: Unless it’s below freezing, I wear tights, warm base layer, gloves (some kind of “running gloves”, but not fancy), and a headband to cover my ears. If below freezing-ish, I add a lightweight jacket designed for movement; I think mine is from a climbing brand, but any athletic brand ought to have something.
brrr
I’ve had good experiences with any type of warm-ish sweatpant or yoga pant, a uniqlo heattech shirt, a sweatshirt or sports sweatshirt, headband or earmuffs, and gloves. Also a small scarf, or nowadays, your mask! Also, warm socks. This has kept me warm even in Chicago winters. You warm up a lot more than you would think, and the heattech shirt helps. SOmetimes I do wear two pairs of leggings – heattech under sweatpants – if its extremely cold outside. Make sure your neck and ears are covered, and I have cold induced asthma, so I do better when I’m breathing through something in cold weather, like a scarf or mask
Anon
I no longer run due to old stress fractures, but my best trick about running in the cold was to throw my outer layers in the dryer for a few minutes before I ran, then throw them on and head out the door. It helped mitigate that initial bite you feel when you’re dressed for a run, but haven’t warmed up yet.
I was definitely a glove person, but would overheat in a hat, so ear warmers worked best for me.
MK
Layers. When you first step outside, you want to be a little chilly. If you’re warm/ok before you start moving, you’re going to be overheated once you get going.
I wear a sweat-wicking base layer and a light windbreaker jacket. Add a second long sleeve shirt in the middle if it’s below freezing.
Anon
I’m in Philly, so similar-ish weather.
I don’t have a preference for mittens or gloves (but agree that the ones that work with smartphones never actually work with smartphones), but you’ll definitely want something for your hands. I’ve been running/biking in gloves for about a month now. I’ve actually asked for a pair of finger-less gloves with mitten covers for Christmas for outdoor workouts. For having your hands as warm as possible, mittens are better.
I am someone who is naturally always cold, but I get really warm when I work out. I prefer ear-warmers over a hat for this reason.
In the mid 30s-upper 40s weather, I like to run in a long sleeve shirt and a fleece vest. On windy days, you’ll definitely want wind protection. I have a Patagonia windbreaker, but there are lots of good options. I rarely run in jackets because I get too hot, but people definitely do.
In all but the coldest weather, I run in my normal leggings, but I will wear wool mid-calf socks instead of ankle socks once its in the 40s.
Anonymous
The blogger Hungry Runner Girl runs year-round in Utah and does posts on her winter running clothes. I found them helpful.
Anon
I am very cold natured and have a bad habit of overdressing when I run, and end up taking things off during the run. I like a headband style ear warmers, they are early to pull down and wear on your neck. My arms are also colder than the rest of my body to I wear arm warmers under my shirt/jacket, it’s not easy, but I can pull them off when I get too warm.
AnonATL
I bought a fleece cuddle duds vest I love for running. Easy to wash, super lightweight and surprisingly warm. Just make sure to size up 1.
Would be a good layering piece if you don’t like to wear a full jacket. I’ve run in the low 40s in it with full length leggings and a long sleeve base layer and been very comfortable.
AnonATL
Oh and to your original point of maintaining motivation, the biggest thing that helps me is running during the day. Post-work is scary because it’s dark. I’m on edge the whole run about being hit or someone jumping out at me which sounds ridiculous. Mornings are much colder. If I can squeeze in a lunchtime run, I’m a very happy person.
The Lone Ranger
I’m a walker, not a runner, but in the DC metro area. I have a Smartwool Merino Ear Warmer that’s great and perfect for most of the winter here. I run cold, as in, I’m always freezing.
My other hint is wool socks. They keep your feet much warmer than other kinds.
Looking for an ENT doc in Northern Virginia
I know this is a long shot, but – Any recommendations for an ENT doctor in Northern Virginia, preferably in Alexandria? Thanks in advance.
anon for this
Not Alexandria, but ENT of Northern Virginia (entnova dot com) is good.
Swiss Army Knife
For those with swiss army knives, what are the attachments that are most useful?
I am generally a person who carries nail clippers with me b/c you can use them for cutting a lot of things that you encounter outdoors (hangnails always surface there, too), like rope and making a tear for opening things. When I used to travel for work, small nail clippers were 100% useful (more than bringing scissors, especially with post-9/11 travel restrictions).
I don’t ever really use knives, but feel that the world is grossed out by nail clippers and I want to get something small and a bit more socially palatable. There are so many varieties that a link to something small and not to heavy would be great (I am not going to turn into a dude who needs a heavy belt for a giant knife sheath; I just want something for a bit of cutting that won’t be so big or heavy that it won’t fit into a pants pocket easily or pull down too much).
Anonymous
The only thing I have ever used the actual knife blade on a swiss army knife for is whittling. For camping or DIY puttering around the house and garage the screwdriver and bottle opener can be useful, but you have those things lying around in the toolbox or a kitchen drawer. Out and about in daily life, the only thing of any use is the tiny scissors, and those are not as useful as real scissors.
Panda Bear
Oh wow, this post just made me so nostalgic for the tiny swiss army knife I had as a kid! It was key chain sized, maybe not even three inches long, and pink. It had scissors, a knife blade, a nail file with a top that doubled as a flat-head screwdriver, tweezers and a toothpick. The little scissors were my favorite part, but as an adult I don’t have the same childhood ‘need’ to cut random things up. These days, the nail file would probably be most useful gadget. And maybe a bottle opener!
Anon
I had the tiny lady Swiss Army knife on my key chain for years and I most consistently used the tweezers. They fit into a slot on the body of the knife.
I lost the knife going through TSA after 9/11. It never occurred to me that my teeny tiny knife could be used as a weapon, or for that matter, a knife – my least often employed usage.
anon
I use the knife, scissors, and pen the most. Mine also has a flat head screwdriver and a flashlight
Anon
In order: Screwdriver, tiny scissors, largest knife blade, corkscrew, awl punch. I use mine in my work bag (or did in the before times) and before that it was in my college backpack. It’s surprising how often a screwdriver comes in handy and corkscrews get forgotten all the time during picnics!
anon
I got a Leatherman Micra that I love. The scissors are easier to use than normal Swiss Army knife scissors because of how they fold and it has all the other usual attachments, plus it’s light enough to use as a keychain.
Anonymous
I like the smallest seiss army one.
I use the knife (also useful for screws), scissors, and have used the nail file as a philips screw driver in a pinch, or for prying things open. The toothpick Is useless, but the tiny tweezers are surprisingly good.
Science books for kids?
What are your recommendations for non-fictional, “sciency” educational books for kids from pre-school age to maybe 2nd-3rd grade?
My 5 yr old is super interested in learning about dinosaurs, space, volcanoes, the continents etc etc – just how stuff works.
I’ve tried the Magic School Bus series, and find the content pretty great, but some of the storylines that embed the content are a bit ridiculous and frankly outdated (like, why have a girl character that is an unlikeable know-it-all and/or in her books while the boys DO things?
National Geographics seems to have a few good books, but wondering what else is out there.
Anon
I’d ask at your local library! I remember reading lots of these kinds of books at the library when I was a kid.
Vicky Austin
Usborne used to have great stuff for this. (The only valid MLM, in my opinion!)
Quail
+1 for Usborne. Great space book. Also the Big Book of Dinosaurs was a hit.
Also likes My Very Important Stuff book – kind of an encyclopedia with a page on different topics.
Also the Eyewitness series (DK I think) might have something.
Also, my 5 YO loves the Magic Treehouse books – it’s fiction, but filled with “facts” that the protagonist kids discover through their time travels. We have ones on dinosaurs, knights, ancient Egypt…he can’t read them himself but enjoys them being read to him. Haven’t read magic school bus but in MT gender roles are kind of reversed – little sister is adventurous while older brother is more nervous.
Cat
I vividly remember a few Eyewitness books from my childhood – everything from the Titanic to Vesuvius.
Anonymous
My daughter loves National Geographic books, including the Almanacs each year. They are the best we’ve found.
Kelly
My five year old is obsessed with Magic Treehouse and many of the topics have companion non fiction books called “research guides”. They definitely have space and dinosaurs. They are also the reason my five and three year olds have been playing “titanic” lately!
K.
Candace Fleming has written some amazing non-fiction for children!
Anon
We have the Nat Geo books which my 5 year old has loved and read almost every day for months. He is getting the Smithsonian’s Knowledge Encyclopaedia’s: Dinosaur for Christmas.
Anon
Try Science Comics (graphic novel format but good section on dinosaurs, the brain, various sciency topics).
Also I’ve heard good things about the Horrible Science series.
anon.
Not a book, but my 4 YO loves the magazine Click. It’s really fantastic and accessible.
Anon
I missed the kitchen tips post yesterday but wanted to mention my favorite. When you’re fling anything with whole garlic cloves, skin-on, whether you’re smashing them with a knife or putting them through a garlic press or trying to peel them some other way, cut a little bit of the “root” end off – the part that attaches to the garlic head. It will make the skin come off so much more easily. This is a Jacques Pepin tip.
When I need to skin a bunch of cloves of garlic and not have them smashed, I put the cloves with the ends cut off as above in a cereal bowl, then invert a bowl the same size above it like a lid. Then I hold the two bowls together like a sphere and shake them. Like a maraca. And then when I look in the bowl the skins will be off.
Generally though, for 1-3 cloves to be sautéed I just cut the ends off and smash with a knife.
Anon
Running buffs/masks…I had read that they are worse than nothing for COVID protection. Then, I read some follow up articles saying that isn’t the case, that the study used a thin polyester single layer one. It’s getting cold here in New England, and I want the warmth of a buff. Perhaps a 2 layer one would be better? Thoughts? What do you use? I’m looking at a fleece one online that seems substantial.
Anon
I think the original article about them being terrible was debunked.
Anon
I am on the lookout for a place where being a woman does not mean I am thus most suited to fill in for the secretary when she is unavailable, and where I will not be gaslit when flagging this, but for now I have to deal with it. I started by ordering Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office. Any other reading recommendations in this genre?