Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Horton Pant

326 Comments

1. Elizabeth, I wish I had the body to wear these, tho I will show my sister, who still can do so even tho she’s had 4 kids! Go figure!

   I think the Horton pants pictured are wonderful, but to expensive for pants alone. The Eloquii pants alternative you suggested are inexpensive, but not comparable to me, since they practically look like Capri’s! As a result, I agree with you and think I’d go with the Ann Taylor’s, as they are similar enough and have a little flair and the price is reasonable. Of course, I would need to really trim my tuchus and legs, which are easier said then done. You are still svelte, but I am soon to no longer being a thirty something like you.

   I walked all over town yesterday, as I was the only one in the office, so I took a VERY long lunch, leaving early, but not returning until it was almost time to go home! But at least I was in the office and got credit for bringing up the FEDEX envelopes, which Lynn normally does. A guy I saw on 59th Street whistled at me, which was unusual since I was all bundeled up in my Canada Goose coat, and he could not see anything since I also was wearing jeans and clunky shoes. I think men are as anxius as I am to start connecting, but with Omicron and all, we have to refrain from anything intimate unless we were already doing the horizontal hora before COVID. Unfortunately, I have been cellebate for almost 2 years. That is not good for me. I also don’t see the single women in the HIVE doing much if anything in this arena either. Anyway, when this COVID is finally over, I hope to make up for lost time. YAY!!!!

2. hotel recs in Palm Springs. DH and I are hopefully traveling there for our first trip away sans kids and for our 10 year anniversary. if there is one that takes starwood/marriott points that is great, but not required. ideally one with a good cancellation policy. do you need a car in palm springs if you want to go for a hike or something or from yesterday it sounded like some hotels are walkable to downtown which is ideal. we are relatively Covid conscious, and at least from the internet it looks like there are good precautions in most of CA?

   1. I recommend the Rancho Las Palmas Hotel (link below). Although now managed by Omni, I went there with my family when it was still a Marriott Property. You can see it still has everything and great pool and food. Check it out! It is 11 miles from Palm Springs, which is fine down there, and you will want to have a car if you want to go places nearby. Very sunny and dry weather and great if you just want to spend alone time with your husband, as there is good room service and they have very absorbant towels, which is a must. Good luck, and have fun with him! YAY!!

      https://www.omnihotels.com/hotels/palm-springs-rancho-las-palmas/

   2. Depends on your budget, but the Ritz in Rancho Mirage is really nice. They also have an adults-only pool area which might be nice on your first sans-kid trip. I’m almost positive you can go on some hikes right out the door from it (we didn’t but I think my friends did). It is a 15-20 minute drive from downtown Palm Springs, but being the Ritz I’m sure they can help you arrange any rides needed for a trip in (and maybe you will find you don’t really need to, depending on how long you are there).
      From my knowledge of the area, if you are within walking distance of downtown you are probably not really walking distance of a hike (and vice versa).
      I live in CA and it is my understanding that it would be almost hard to find a more COVID cautious place (in most of the state, including Palm Springs).

      1. The Omni Rancho Las Palmas in Rancho Mirage is really nice, too. They have a great spa and nice pools, and it’s close to hiking (although beware: it’s close to Indian land that you have to pay to enter, even on foot, so carry cash when you head out).

   3. CA has been strict about implementing Covid precautions throughout the pandemic?

   4. I would pick one of the larger places with lots of pools; you can almost always find a pool that is adults only and less frequented that way.

   5. I’ve stayed at the Kimpton Rowan and it had a really nice rooftop pool and is right in the middle of everything. Beautiful hotel. However, my favorite was La Serena Villas – really beautiful and adults only. Walkable to everything downtown. Super private and felt very exclusive.

   6. I always get a car when I go to Palm Springs.

   7. Rates vary, and can get pricey, but check out the Parker, the Movie Colony Hotel or the Colony Palms. I’d recommend a car … you could drive out to Joshua Tree, or go to a sound bath or something else fun.

   8. I’d get a car, not really required but it makes it easier to get around. My recs would be the Ace Hotel or Colony Palms, both downtown. CA is pretty serious about COVID precautions, people generally mask in stores and indoor spaces even when not required by local ordinances. Expect to show your vaccination card (and possibly your booster record) at least a couple times during your trip.

   9. So Palm Springs proper is surrounded by lots of little towns and people are recommending resorts in those. If you’re on a resort and want to leave the resort, yes, you will need a car. If you stay at a hotel downtown in Palm Springs, you won’t. That what we typically do. I don’t know about Marriott, but we have stayed at the Hyatt and loved it.

3. Best at home solutions for greys, please? Drugstore box is fine (particularly given the pandemic)! Thank you!

   1. I use L’Oreal Excellence in a red/brown shade and it covers grays well. Not sure what color you’re trying to match, but I think anything in a brown or red color will cover grays easily. Not sure about their blond shades as I haven’t tried them. A plus for this brand is that it comes with a little comb style applicator that attaches to the bottle of color, so it’s easy to apply thoroughly and neatly.

   2. How gray are you? If you just have a few strands, try Clairol Natural Instincts a shade or two lighter than your natural color. It will camouflage the grays and sort of turn them into highlights without making your hair all one flat color. If you have a significant amount of gray, Madison Reed is the best at-home solution I’ve found. I recommend applying with a bowl and brush. If you just want a quick and easy way to hide the white stripe along your part on Zoom for a few weeks until you get back to the salon, a drugstore root touch-up kit will work.

   3. I have resistant grays, and Madison Reed from Target does the best job of covering them when I can’t get to the salon. Level 3-4 darkest brown hair.

   4. Do you want to enhance or tone the gray, or cover it up?

      1. Cover it!

   5. Thanks everyone! I’m beginning to get enough grays where L’Oréal Preference (and sometimes Clairol Root Touch-Up) is no longer cutting it. I was never so thrilled with the salon that’s it’s worth two hundred bucks a pop and a case of COVID. Strawberry blond but the blond can only go so far in covering grays! I didn’t realize Madison Reed was so easy to get, thank you…and thank you for the L’Oréal and Clairol recs!

      1. With strawberry blond I’d be extremely wary of at-home color, even Madison Reed. Salon color is much, much better for reddish tones. Even the “neutral” brown colors of box dye, including Madison Reed, can come out with a fake-looking reddish undertone.

         1. Eeek – thank you for the warning!

            1. My advice as a bronde is for box color is to go two steps lighter and cooler than your real hair color. I find box color a heavy deposit and too red.

         2. Any suggestions for light red hair (more red than strawberry blonde) that is slowly going white? I want it to stay the color it’s always been, instead of going white. I worry that if I bring it to my original color, it will look stark and strange. I’ve never colored my hair so I don’t know where to start. I’m really wary of fake-looking red color jobs, because I think they really stand out (see ALL of my older women relatives, ha!). Should I start with dyeing just certain pieces? Should I try some at-home options?

      2. I cannot recommend beauty schools highly enough. Salon products, reasonable prices. You’re paying in time because students are slow and methodical, but for me it’s worth it. I get my roots done every 3-4 weeks at $30 a pop.

         1. Those are insane prices! Maybe I’ll consider that for the future – thank you. I’ve gotten just comfortable/lazy enough at home not to venture out for this, but I will get back to it – thanks again!

            1. Ha! If you think $30 is insane, then you either live in a VCOL area or you haven’t been to a salon lately! I pay more than double that in L.A.

            2. I assumed that she meant they were crazy good prices!! Ha ha…. For $30, shoot I’d go every week.

               Hair coloring is such a racket.

            3. I thought she was saying $30 was insanely low?

            4. Haha, yes, I definitely meant insanely low :)
               I am used to $200 a pop which I assume to be mid-range!

            5. Oh, yes! Insanely low for the win!!

   6. I use Madison Reed not from the drugstore but bought online. Their online color choosing process worked really well for me.

4. Oooh, those are gorgeous. I’d settle for a sweater in that color.

   I had the day off yesterday, and it was really unsatisfying. I’m disappointed in myself for wasting a day off. But Covid is raging here and I am so very tired of all my indoor pastimes. I got outside for awhile. I need more right now than reading and organizing and cleaning and listening to podcasts and Netflix. I like to bake, but really am not feeling a bunch of sweets and treats after the holidays. Ugh, January sucks … any ideas on how to make it better? Assume that I live where it’s cold but not especially picturesque and the snow has been spotty at best this year.

   1. Could you paint a room? That’s top of mind b/c we are are currently removing wallpaper in preparation for plastering.

      1. Tell me more. I have an older house and had to do drywall in some renovation areas but would love to somehow plaster those walls b/c drywall seems to amplify sound not deaden it the way drywall does.

         1. We’re having to skim the walls once we remove wallpaper. They come in with this mud coloured plaster and essentially skim it (and are skimming over our potential asbestos textured ceiling)

      2. I need to paint but I feel like natural light in January is just not good enough (here in Canada at least).

   2. Bundle up and get outside! Walk, run, bike, whatever strikes your fancy. The days are already noticeably longer than they were a month ago.

   3. I feel like we should get back to Zoom happy hours, at least during this surge. I know everyone is “so tired” of Zoom, but if you don’t want to get together inside in person while COVID is raging and the weather sucks too much for walks, why not chat with some friends on Zoom? Better than no contact at all, surely. Boyfriend and I did a call on Sunday with a couple of his cousins who live in a different state and it was really nice.

      Other than that – learn to knit? Crochet? I’ve enjoyed doing easy embroidery kits. Maybe learn how to pickle things or bake things that aren’t sweet?

      1. I do think I need an artistic pursuit. But true to my type A personality, I can’t stand sucking at it or ending up with a Thing that I have to find a home for. I really need to get over it …

         1. Dishcloths are great starter projects. Cotton is cheap and it’s still perfectly usable even if it turns out wonky.

         2. I knit, but only one pattern, for a baby blanket, that is pretty simple and I don’t have to really look at it (it makes a pattern). If I don’t have a friend having a baby, I donate to a group providing items to poor new moms. Easy. I play around with colors in the yarn, but it’s hard to ruin a rectangle and they always find homes. I’m OK never getting to any advanced level with this.

            1. +1. I am similar with crochet – I can do two baby blanket patterns. They look nice enough that I can give as gifts or donate to a local shelter. I feel like it’s a little therapeutic – my Type A/ perfectionist personality practices doing something even though it’s not perfect, but my Finance self gets the boost of producing something tangible that also helps others.

            2. Simple knitter here and I stand for Excellence in Rectangles. Other people can keep their sweaters and cables and non-worsted weight yarn and other things.

         3. If you want a creative hobby that doesn’t produce stuff, you could try creative writing! That has been my Pandemic Hobby, and it’s really fun.

            I started out doing a Creative Writing 101 class online, which was a good step. The fact that I don’t have to show anyone my writing before I’ve polished it overcomes the Type A part of my personality, plus it has helped me learn to just write something, even if it’s not good, because I know I can fix it once the idea is out of my head.

            If you don’t want to shell out for a class, there’s a cool website where the host gives a little pep talk for a few minutes and then gives you a prompt and you write for 10 mins or so. It is really fun. It’s called Couch to 80k, and the link is below:
            https://m.soundcloud.com/timclare/sets/couch-to-80k-writing-boot-camp

         4. I find creative pursuits to be the best way to get through the type A need to be perfect. In before times I really loved my pottery classes for this. I called it immersion therapy for perfectionists. No one is good at throwing on the wheel right away, you have to work at it and make a lot of mis-shapen things first. It was a studio near a college and got a lot of med and law students needing a mental break once a week and I watched everyone of them go through the why am i not immediately good at this crisis. The insta videos make it look so calming and easy ! and it is, once you have put a thousand hours into it. Until then, I find the fact that I need to focus on that and only that to be successful to be calming when you lean into it.

            I also turn everything that doesn’t turn out right into pots, as while I don’t like dust gathering items, I love plants and it gives me an excuse to get more lol.

            1. Not a med student, but I took a pottery class when I was working on my (lab science) PhD and it was so nice to do something that it didn’t matter if it turned out or not! The process was more important than the results, in a way.

               I enjoy doing the little embroidery kits and I don’t worry so much about what to so with them. A couple turned out nice enough that I’m planning on hanging them up.

         5. If you do scarves, you can hold on them in an out of the way place until next winter starts and scarf and hat drives start up near you. Raverly has the option to filter patterns different ways, so you can also find hats that are knit flat.

         6. I used to struggle with that feeling – if I suck at it, why bother? I tried to reframe it tp look at the experience, not the result. Even if it doesn’t turn out, I still tried it and that was worthwhile. I also remind myself that no one is grading my work :)

            1. I have a number of things I do now that I am mediocre at. My kids used to throw back at me in frustration that I was perfect at everything and couldn’t understand someone struggling at math, etc. I think it helps my empathy to struggle a bit and not be The Best and also helps them see that learning can be a bumpy road and it doesn’t mean that you are dumb, just that you are learning. [I hate that about Achievement Culture — how many of us avoided classes in college that were known to be challenging and hard b/c we knew that a B would not look good on a transcript when applying to law school (etc.)? It turns out that a lot of life is ungraded or self-decided pass/fail and brings an immense sense of accomplishment for a mere “pass” and the occasional fail (for me: platelet donation at the Red Cross).]

            2. Anon, thanks for the attempt at platelet donation!!! Matters a lot to those of us who need blood regularly.

            3. Okay, funny story: Years ago I started taking tap dancing classes, and let’s just say I was not great at it. One night in class I said “you know, normally if I’m not great at something I just don’t do it,” and all the other ladies in the class were aghast, and protested mightily. And I smiled and kept tapping and secretly thought “I’m making an exception for tap, but normally if I’m not great at something I don’t do it.”

               A few days later I was at a Women’s Bar Association dinner, and I told that story, and all the women at dinner were all “right! If you’re not great at it, why would you do it?” And I thought “you are my people!”

            4. I was reading Oliver Burkeman’s “4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals” at the end of last year, and one of the questions he suggests people ask themselves is something like “What would I do even if I knew I wouldn’t see the finished project.”
               I think about this a lot now.. what are things I would do because I enjoy the act of doing rather than the final outcome. I look at my kids and they love digging holes to nowhere- just the act of digging makes them so happy- and I kind of want to channel that more. I mean I’ve always been pretty unambitious, and this has in a way helped me feel leas guilty about it.

      2. Zoom is hell, no way am I going back to Zoom happy hours.

         1. I really don’t understand this attitude, but maybe you live someplace where it’s nice to go outside. If I said no more Zoom, there are friends I’d have no contact with for several months. I figure Zoom is better than nothing.

            I understand Zoom fatigue for work meetings, but I don’t understand it for interacting with friends. I’m also kind of feeling like it’s becoming trendy to say, Oh, I just CAN’T do Zoom anymore!!

            1. Even though I never was 100% wfh, meetings have pretty much been all on Teams since spring of 2020 so I don’t love doing it after work for fun. I’ve done some Zoom socializing during the early pandemic – probably 80% was with long distance friends so it didn’t really feel like it was in place of fade to face socializing. I have a few friends (long distance) that I’ve been zooming eith to catch up for years and have continued to do so – that hasn’t bothered me because we always communicate that way.

               That being said, I’m currently pretty irritated with people who won’t do any in person socializing and won’t do zoom/FaceTime. Like somethings gotta give! I’m personally ok with any form of socializing (as are most of my friends), ranging from indoor dining to masked, distanced, very bundled up (it’s in the teens/twenties here) outdoor walks, and I’m ok with the occasional zoom/phone call/FaceTime but I’m tired of hearing from other friends that they want to connect but they won’t do anything in person, nor will they zoom!

            2. IMHO it’s because it just doesn’t work that well. The fun of getting together as a group is that you can have multiple conversations at once, people float in and out of them, and that dynamic is kind of impossible on Zoom. Not to mention staring at talking heads all day for work means it feels like a chore to do it more after hours.

               Good old fashioned 1:1 phone calls are more refreshing to me.

            3. I’m sorry you’re so starved for human interaction, but forcing your friends to get together for very awkward social time on Zoom isn’t the answer for most people. Zoom works for business meetings where only one person should be talking at a time. It doesn’t work for friends getting together. Stop trying to make Zoom happy hours happen again, nobody else wants it.

            4. Also, PolyD, I don’t live somewhere where it’s nice to go outside but we’re not wimps and we do it anyway.

            5. Anon at 12:51, I’m sorry you’re so out of practice with human contact that you can only respond by being snippy.

               It’s also sad that you’d consider a request from a friend to have a virtual conversation to be “forcing” you to use a platform you don’t like. I guess you only have friends who are willing to conform to your own terms.

            6. Anon @ 12:53, I live somewhere where the HIGH is frequently zero degrees. Not going outside doesn’t me a wimp, it makes me a reasonable human being who doesn’t enjoy getting hypothermia? Anyway….personally, I think the key to making a Zoom happy hour/gathering enjoyable is having an activity. Two things my friend group has done and really enjoyed are 1. Game nights where we play Codenames or Jackbox games together. Super easy and fun. 2. Presentation Night. Everyone picks a topic (usually an inside joke, conspiracy, pop culture reference) and gives a 3-5 minute presentation. For example, I did my presentation ranking the hottest non-human animated characters (the fox in Robin Hood, hello). We had a blast.

         2. How are Zoom happy hours different than facetiming with >1 person?

            1. Obviously a conversation between two people is different than a group of people all waiting to talk and interrupting each other or getting shut out of the conversation.

            2. Obviously this person wasn’t talking about a conversation between 2 people, as she wrote “>1 person”!

         3. My kids did 1.5 years of Zoom school where they were on on-camera zooms 50% of their day, but no adult I know zooms this much. I get why my kids are zoomed out (so they text memes to each other), but most grownups I know are still craving interaction but nervous about more contact than on Zoom (so Zoom it is).

            1. IME Zoom has increased the number of formally scheduled meetings. I used to spend maybe 10% of my time in face-to-face meetings. Now I spend 50% of my day on Zoom. My husband went from 75% face-to-face meetings to 90% Zoom.

            2. I am on zoom easily 5-7 hours of my work day, each day. my g-cal insights confirms this. I am very jealous of people whose jobs do not require this much meeting time!

   4. Schedule a watch party for Netflix with a friend so it’s more social than solo netflix? Take a virtual class with a physical component? I’m starting a perfume class where the perfumer ships out raw materials and then leads a lecture on how they’re used/combinations/walking us through training our noses. I also really enjoyed a flower arranging class I took last winter. I’m a good enough cook/baker that I don’t love a lot of the standard ‘let’s make a meal’ classes, but if there is a particular food you’ve been craving or trying to nail you might enjoy that?
      I’ve also started a home improvements project notebook – I’m walking around from room to room, taking pictures, and then noting what does/doesn’t work and what I might want to change. I can then tackle them a bit at a time – I can’t afford to do a whole house redecoration but I can snag new pillows/shams on a white sale in January and then frame a new print the following month, or move the lamps/side tables around, or stage my bookcases in a different way.

   5. you’ve got spotty snow…where are you? all the outdoor activities right now….skiing, skating, running and hiking.

      1. We’re in a bad freeze/thaw cycle where there’s barely any snow but just enough ice patches to make things unpleasant. I really enjoy outdoor running in the winter, but it’s not happening right now. After a fresh snow, sure. LOL … middle of a very flat place, no skiing to be found.

         1. Same here. Ice patches everywhere, constant melt and refreeze. I won’t even risk my favorite flat wodded trail right now. One broken tailbone is enough for this lifetime.

         2. This is why they make Yaktrax. You can get outside if you want to. (FWIW, I do put my money where my mouth is – been car free for a while now. There are solutions for all this and most aren’t expensive).

            1. Microspikes are probably a better investment than Yaktrax.

            2. I am PP recommending all the outdoor activities right now…I don’t know what Yaktrax but they sound like a great solution! We we run in Northeast winter when there are plenty of icy patches too…run slower and watch where you are going….if not, then hit the treadmill at the gym.

            3. Thanks! I don’t need them often enough to spring for these, but if I move, I’m glad to have the rec.

   6. I am there with you, right down to covid raging and the cold but not picturesque location with spotty snow and not wanting to bake because I am tired of sweet things. I have done two things:

      (1) Tried to acknowledge to myself that when I don’t feel like doing anything, that’s often a sign that I need to t. I try to reframe that time not as wasted, but as much needed R&R.

      (2) Cooked less sweet or not sweet things.

      – Caramelized onions for the first time (easy but time consuming; kids so upset they left me alone in the kitchen, grownups excited to put them on everything)
      – English muffins for the first time in ages (older kid helped knead the dough; everyone loved them)
      – Focaccia for the first time in ages (older kid was aghast that fully half of it was covered with vegetables and younger kid decided eating it would be disloyal to pizza)
      – An experimental soup of mushrooms, dried tomatoes, carrots, noodles, and white beans (the kind of thing I like and my family does not)

      1. +1 to baking of non-sweet things and doing other kinds of cooking. I bake various types of bread and pizza frequently. I especially like wheaty, grainy breads, so it’s generally pretty healthy.

   7. I’m not intentionally being risky but I haven’t cut back on socializing – I figure I’m bound to get Omicron, but I’m triple vaxxed, young, fit and healthy so hopefully it will be a mild case. But, seeing as were nearing Year 3 of the pandemic, I’m prioritizing mental health now. Like you I live somewhere cold but not pretty with some snow but not a ton.

      Luckily everyone I know is triple vaxxed, any establishment in my city that has food/drink requires vaccination for everyone, and masks are required in shops/offices/etc. So, I meet up with friends for happy hour/dinner/trivia/a walk often.

      In addition to socializing here’s what I do:
      1) focus on health. I know I feel so much better when I’m working out, eating well, sleeping enough and drinking lots of water. I do a peleton app workout almost every day.
      2) get outside! On days I wfh (I do a 3/2 split), I make sure to take a walk after work every day (on office days I have a 30 min walking commute). On weekends I try to get out of the city for a longer outdoor activity – skiing, a long walk in the woods etc. It’s been in the teens and twenties here but if I’m bundled up and moving I stay plenty warm.
      3) trying new hobbies. Im terrible but I’ve taken up knitting and water coloring during the pandemic. I read. I’m almost competitive about thrifting. I’d like to start sewing (to tailor my thrifted finds) and woodworking. I’m working towards some tough fitness goals. Im applying to grad school (so not a hobby but keeps me focused/working on something). I get together with friends and we play board games.

      I try to structure my day so before work I workout, read, and work on a hobby. That way, I’m feeling good about my day (I’ve been productive and I’ve had fun!) before I start work. I also give myself something to look forward to after work (seeing a friend, more hobby time, etc) and I try to do 1 productive thing for work and personal life every day (nothing crazy – usually a minor but lingering task like going to the post office or putting 5 things from the junk drawer away).

      1. This! bundle up and get outside!

   8. If you are up for it, I’d recommend reading “The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change” – it is a short read and spoke to me about where we are with the pandemic. There is also an NYT article on the book as well. Also, seconding the BIG HOME PROJECT, preferably one that is slightly a stretch for your abilities because it will keep you busy for quite a while.

      1. Yes, love the BIG HOME PROJECT. This is how we redid almost every room in our house ourselves (and lime washed the outside, painted trim, etc.). I’ve always been in-office, but with nothing else to do we’d do house project after house project with the help of YouTube and design blogs. Saved a ton of money on the finished product by not hiring out jobs. Learned loads. Hit FB Marketplace for vintage finds to keep the carbon footprint lower. Genuinely love sitting around the house doing nothing now because the house itself makes me so happy (started with a non-descript ranch!). We kept thinking we were just filling two more weeks of time, but we kept ourselves busy for 21 months.

         Also, I recommend thinking of something you always wanted to learn more about and going for it. I’ve listened to art lectures, audiobooks, etc., while cleaning, painting, and so on.

   9. I’m feeling that way too!
      I find calling a friend, or meeting up with a friend for a walk really helpful.
      The other thing I did last week was make care packages for all my friends who were isolating without childcare and dropped them at their doorstep.
      Last year, someone here recommended the Yale Happiness Course, and of the exercises in the course, i found the “connection” and “kindness” segments really helped lift my mood.

   10. January and February generally suck , and the pandemic has made it SO MUCH WORSE. My least favorite time of year.

       I booked a warm weather location and I’m crossing my fingers that I will actually be able to go. I purchased theater tickets (one of the few places that require vaccination and masks where I live) and I’m hoping those shows don’t get canceled. I go to the library in person, and I am reading random books in addition to the books I already wanted. Playing video games. Rewatching Ozark in anticipation of the new episodes coming out. That’s it.

   11. I’ve been studying Spanish on Duolingo and it’s a great brain exercise! If you have any trips planned in the future you could do the language of the country you’re planning to visit, or brush up on a language you studied in school, or if you’re like me in So Cal, finally learn Spanish because everybody in So Cal should know Spanish.

   12. ugh, yes. I’m more risk tolerant than a lot of people here, but with omicron raging I’m adjusting accordingly and two days ago I got really, really tired of it all again.

       I’m loosely doing the Apartment Therapy January Cure 20 day program – it’s two weeks into it but there’s a calendar and you could start now. That helps with the house refresh and kickstart a lot of the ideas people had about the diy home projects.

       I’m leaning hard into cooking meals from scratch (and at least one new one a week, usually from Pinch of Yum) and watching old seasons of Project Runway while I cook.

       I started meditating again every single day in a different way – I picked one single meditation on the insight timer that I really like and am just doing that every single morning – majorly simplified the picking of one and I feel like it’s really helpful.

       Have you tried journalling? That is something that often makes me feel like life is way better when I actually do it. I actually have the Glennon Doyle Untamed journal that I want to start this month.

       Re going outside – I don’t love being cold, I hate all the gear, and I don’t like winter sports. :) I do like being outside, but when it’s winter I let my outside time be way shorter and I’m happy with it. My best friend has been taking night walks (she has property and a headlamp, so it’s safe) and that seems to be really helping her make January better the last few weeks. I love looking at stars in the winter – the crisp air make them so much clearer. For like five minutes. then I go back inside.

5. First time getting Botox (at 40, about time I jumped on the bandwagon). Any opinions on Botox vs Xeomin? Thanks!

   1. I’ve not tried Xeomin, but I have tried both Botox and Dysport. Huge difference in how my face reacts to them. I’d definitely suggest trying multiple products to get a feel for how they work for you. I didn’t expect the difference to be so profound.

      1. ETA: Not at the same time, of course. One product per session, to start. Eventually some people decide to “zone” their face, since Botox is very location-specific (and thus is great on crow’s feet) while Dysport spread out a lot (and thus is great on the forehead). But you need to get a baseline to start.

         1. Ohhh I had no idea – thank you! Great point about getting a feel for it. Thanks!

6. Have you ever taken a pay cut to switch jobs, and was it worth it?

   I make a comfortable six-figure salary so a pay cut wouldn’t change my quality of life, but I do wonder if I would end up resenting aspects of a new job if I felt less valued in some way because of the salary. Some friends have told me you should never accept less and always push for more, but others said after a certain point it’s really not about money anymore and sometimes it’s worth taking a lower salary for better quality of life. Thoughts?

   1. I would 100% accept a lower salary for a greater quality of life, but only you can assess what that quality difference needs to be. Honestly, for me, it would take a lot (i.e., quality would have to drastically improve) to make it worth it.

   2. My thinking is that I’d do this is there were no promotion potential whatsoever. Otherwise, businesses sense who can work beyond their role and if your instinct is to do your best, you will outwork your role quickly. I know that one woman with 4 kids who WFH for a giant bank and has refused promotions for decades to stay in a narrowly defined lane that works for her life (the 4 kids make it so that there is a rock and also a hard place, so when it’s voluntary, there is a lot of pushing that you don’t have to be inflexible). But otherwise, I think it’s hard. If I worked as a WalMart greeter and never let on that I could do more, I could maybe pass. But I bet I’d wind up semi-running everything and just not getting paid for it and since WalMarts are open 24 hours, that could be awful (I know they do promote from within, but I’d be trying to leave a stressful job and not have stressful job experience in many industries). If you can do #1 and avoid #2, yes; otherwise, I’d tread carefully.

      1. Why are you assuming that the new role is beneath the OP because the pay is lower than her current salary? The fact the job pays less does not mean it is less demanding. If you are living your life believing that paychecks are actually representative of the demands of a job or, god forbid, the capability of the person doing the job, you are deeply misinformed or fooling yourself.

         1. Ok so why do you think OP should take an equally demanding job for less money?

   3. Yes, people do this all the time leaving Biglaw. I took a $50K cut but basically bought my life and relationships back so… yes, worth it.

      1. Same. Massively worth it.

      2. Same. Went from making $200k to making $70k when I left BigLaw for local government. Started working 30 hours per week instead of 60+. Regained my mental health and my existing relationships and then had time to date and met my now DH. I’m still in the same job 10 years later and make $100k but work about 20 hours per week. Getting my life back was worth every single dollar I gave up.

         1. Wow this sounds amazing. $100K for 20 hours of work a week. Did it take the full 10 years to get to $100K? Did you by any chance only have transactional experience or do you have some litigation experience?

            1. I did litigation in BigLaw. It’s taken 10 years to now be making $100k. So I’m a 20 year lawyer making $100k and I work about 20 hours per week.

         2. Where do I sign up for this job?!

            1. I know not all government is like this, but a lot is. So, government. And then ask around about work life balance. I’m now making as much as I did at my big law firm and am also working about 20hrs a week. It took me about 9 years to jump the $50k pay cut.

      3. I went from making over $300k in biglaw to just over $150k in government, and it was the best decision. I was able to have a life again! I work 40 hours a week and have a predictable schedule for the first time in my career. Having said that, I would probably not take a pay cut again because I don’t see how a new job could have a better work life balance or other benefits that I would consider a fair trade for less money.

         1. I have this problem! I would really like to leave my current position to find something more exciting–but my work life balance is sooooo good that I don’t see any unicorn job beating the intangible (& even tangible) benefits of where I’m at.

      4. Yup. Totally worth it. Left a MidLaw partnership for government and never looked back. And fun fact: I feel like I came out ahead economically once you factor in the government pension I’m going to start drawing in a couple of years.

         1. Yes yes yes. Not law, but a GS-15 in a director job. Most weeks are 40 hours. Loads of leave and the ability to actually take it. Excellent health coverage. Plus I genuinely enjoy public service. Could I move to the corporate world for more money? Technically, yes, but with 16 years until retirement you can pry that pension for 33 years of service out of my cold, dead hands.

   4. I took a pay cut of about 50% to go from private practice to a govt position about 15 years ago. It thought it would be a better work life balance. It wasn’t. However, it is much more rewarding. In the end, I don’t regret it at all and I have never felt less valued due to the pay — if anything, I feel more valued in this position than I ever did in private practice. I think it comes down to the position. If it is the right fit and you can make the money work, do it. If it isn’t the right fit or the lower salary will have too much of an impact on your life, stay put or find something else.

      1. My story is similar, except I def got a better work-life balance. I felt like I got my life back.

      2. I took a pay cut from litigation to gov’t and took a 20% pay cut but got back at least 20 more hours a week for life stuff. Plus better health insurance, paid days off, vacation days that are respected as such … totally worth it, you couldn’t pay me enough to go back. I made the switch after student loans were paid off and after the youngest was through the ‘infant’ rate at daycare.

   5. I think it depends on whether you would be doing the same amount of work for less money. I have turned down a couple of positions like that because it didn’t seem like there was a good enough trade-off. I don’t necessarily derive my worth from my salary, but I’m not trading the same amount of stress for less money. It really depends on the types of jobs you’re looking at, I think.

      1. +1000, I know several people who went in-house with a pay cut but didn’t get much quality of life difference. That is definitely not worth it.

      2. 100% agree. I took a large pay cut to go from BigLaw to in house in hopes of better quality of life, but ended up working the same amount with increased stress since the company staffed legal department leanly. I ended up leaving completely for a few years to re-boot and stay home with my youngest and then went back into private practice. Keep in mind if you take a pay cut and don’t reap the benefit of a better work/life then you might resent getting paid less. Make sure you do a lot of diligence to get a good sense of work culture, expectations, etc.

   6. I kind of took a pay cut when job hunting from Jan to May 2020. Pandemic and economic uncertainty were still high… so I took a job at a lateral or even lower level with 20% less salary BUT I knew I could grow a long career in the company and would be successful. I took an internal promotion less than 18 months later and am back up to my earning potential. You could say I held myself back but I knew what “enough” was for me and my needs and the first role at this company offered enough in money, job duties, recognition of company name when I job hunt again, etc. And I needed to transition away from my job defining so much of who I am, which this company allows me to do. I poured myself into roles before this while living in east coast elite cities and had moved back to my home state for a change of pace, but hadn’t taken jobs that allowed the change of pace.

   7. Don’ t just look at your W2. Look at pay/hour. Look at commuting costs. Look at cost of wardrobe needed and dry cleaning cost. Look at opportunity cost of frequent travel e.g. maybe you pay a cleaning person $100/week because you are working so much and having more time at home for incidental cleaning you will only need it once a month or every other week. Make a a spreadsheet. You may find it’s not really a cut overall.

      But having said all that, you only get so many days on earth. You need to enjoy them as much as possible. If you hate your job get out no matter what the pay. Time is precious.

   8. Early in my career, I took a 15% paycut to go to a job with a better work-life balance in a career/field I was more interested in. Caveat that I was young, single, and childless so more willing to subsist on a life of ramen than I am now. I also didn’t make much money at the time, but was able to stay comfortable. It was a great move for me and I’ve had an awesome, fulfilling, financially comfortable career by moving to something I loved and was good at (so the promotions and salary increases came). I never think about the fact that I took a financial step back in order to step forward. If you love the job/role/company and can live on the salary, I think it’s worth considering.

   9. I took an $11k pay cut to change jobs last year. I was at $93k and went to $82k. 10/10 would take a paycut to change jobs again. I went from working in an environment that was cutthroat and yet somehow spectacularly inefficient, with people who were either totally toxic or completely shut down and disempowered, to working in a mostly normal place with mostly normal, kind people. I work on some cool projects and I have a good team supporting me. I was seriously about to quit my previous job without having another one lined up when the offer for my current job came in, so even with the cut, I’m in a better situation than I would be if I had just noped out of there and let the chips fall.

      I do have a spouse who earns more than me, and so therefore I could take a cut and not worry too much about it affecting my quality of life. I tried to keep my retirement and other savings rates the same and so in the end the cut ended up meaning I have to watch my discretionary spending more closely, which is not that much of a hardship. I would rather have the peace of mind and a good situation at work than the extra money, but I know everyone’s calculus is different on this one. If I was the sole support for my family, I might have felt differently about making the choice I made. But as it is – zero regrets.

   10. I took a pretty steep cut in pay when I left a big law firm for a small one. I work (a lot) harder for less, but I am much more fulfilled and challenged at my new firm. I was never able to actually practice at the big firm and my growth was completely stunted there. Now I get to do something new every day, I am finally learning by doing, and I can handle every aspect of a matter and independently manage a client. The initial pay cut has been tough, but the end game here includes the potential for much more money, so I just need to be patient for a year, maybe two, depending on the life of the pandemic and some other factors. Even if the pay doesn’t improve, it is worth it to have left the misery and drudgery of the big firm. I can hold my head up high knowing that I really am a capable lawyer now. I never felt that way in big firms. It makes the daily sprint of my current work life worth it.

   11. Twice I’ve taken jobs with a lower salary, because I did not loke the organisation or the role I found myself in. So it had very little to do with work-life balance, and a lot to do with job satisfaction – and perhaps, to some extent to position myself for the career I wanted, and making sure I did not end up getting boxed in, ‘soured’ or got bad habits.

   12. Took a significant paycut to go from Biglaw to inhouse. Excellent move for me as it was a much better work environment and hours.

   13. I did this several years ago to take an in-house job when I was very burned out on litigation. It was about a 10% pay cut which was pretty substantial and I never regretted it. I didn’t stay in the position for more than a couple of years before transitioning again and actually found that the trade off for lower pay for less stress of it worked to my advantage. I was able to decompress and actually look at what I wanted to do long term. That said, I knew when I made the move that it would be short-term rather than long-term and the broadening of my skill set actually helped me command a higher starting salary than I had at my old job. I have now parlayed this into my dream job and am at a 30% increase over my litigation job. YMMV.

   14. I did this in October 2019. I bought my time back for the price of about $50K and then 5 months later, the pandemic hit. I’m a lawyer and I left litigation to an in-house litigation adjacent job. I don’t necessarily regret it but I am having a tough time the last 6 months or so because there are issues with my organization and I know I could be making much more in private practice. I am 10 years post graduation and it’s becoming more difficult because I feel like I’m falling further and further behind financially. It also doesn’t help that my organization gives out very minimal raises and basically no bonuses so it doesn’t really feel like I’m being valued for my work when I’m dealing with some of the other organizational BS that would never take place in a law firm.

       Anyways, it’s a very specific situation but just thought I would put it out there because not all experiences are positive when you take a paycut

   15. I did once, because my old job had 24/7 expectations and the new one didn’t. They were both highly paid jobs so it feels petty talking about a cut in total comp from the mid six figures to still the mid six figures. But the new company was just not a fit for me in so many ways that I didn’t really enjoy my time there.

       Now I’m ending my career working part time for myself, as a consultant, and this is the best of both worlds.

   16. I left BigLaw and took a 200K(?) paycut. Worth it! But it does matter where you’re going and what the expectations are like. If you can trust yourself to maintain boundaries and your job won’t be constantly pushing them, it may be worth it. It was for me.

7. My cat is diabetic and needs to eat 7 to 9 ounces of wet cat food a day. It is difficult to get her to eat that much throughout the day, especially because she prefers to eat at night. So, DH or I have to get up multiple times a night to feed her. Is this just the way its going to be or is there anyway to get her to shift to eating more during the day? Sleep deprived!

   1. Can you put out the wet food before you go to bed? It won’t dry out that quickly. You also could add a tiny bit of water to it, if you’re worried about that problem.

      1. DH puts out some food around midnight, right before bed. Kitty still scratches at our door around 1am, 3am, and 5am on really rough nights.

         1. But…can’t you put out enough for the whole night?

            1. Not OP, but my cats will only eat wet food immediately after we put it out. Once they’re done, they’re done. They’ll cry for their dry food, but won’t go back to the wet food.

               OP, what are you actually changing here? Were you feeding her dry food at night but need to switch to wet food? Or are you trying to switch the timing so that you can give her insulin? How necessary is that? Our vets have recommended wet food for various conditions our cats have, but they just don’t really like any of it and won’t eat that much of it so the vets have told us not to worry about it too much and just make sure they drink plenty instead.

         2. This is my life too. Also hoping people gave suggestions! It’s hard because they aren’t just being jerks, it’s a medical thing.

      2. Wet cat food is typically very perishable (it’s basically putting out meat, except unlike meat humans would eat, it also has extra moisture and raw enzymes that cats need). It can be left out if it’s kept cold somehow (ice pack).

         I believe there are timed feeders that use ice packs, but I’m not sure there are any that can feed wet food more than once. But maybe one timed feeding overnight would be enough once the cat learns to trust the robot?

         I wish there were CGMs for cats since I might be inclined help my cat shift their sleep schedule if I weren’t nervous about hypos.

         1. Assuming feeders can only turn on a single time, you could buy multiple feeders, set for different times. Not the cheapest solution, but at least you’ll get to sleep through the night?

   2. They make timed feeders that accept ice packs or ice cubes, so you can put wet food in them.

   3. Is it possible to refuse her nocturnal preference one night and just feed her the next morning without wreaking havoc on her diabetes? Or alternately take a few days to gradually shift the night feeding times until they align with daytime hours?

      I have handled picky eaters (both animal and human) this way but never one with medical complications to factor in so I don’t know how feasible it is to make sudden changes in meal time. I just know that a couple of days of stronger willpower than my resident night owls made a huge difference in my sanity levels once they were retrained.

   4. Our cats will eventually eat old wet food. Not like days old I mean, but food that is 6-12 hours old. Have you tried putting more in the evening and seeing if she will go back to it over night? As far as I can tell it doesn’t go bad that fast – it is cooked and canned so it can’t be THAT perishable. Alternately, you could try a timed feeder, and/or diabetic dry food. The other option is to do slowly decrease the amount of food you put out at night to try to get her used to eating more during the day. Night weaning gradually vs cry it out, if you will.

   5. We have a feeding robot with 5 slots (no ice packs) and we’ve put wet food in them for years without any problem. It’s covered so the wet food doesn’t seem to be exposed much to air, etc.

8. #graditutde:

   Cooking a recipe that you know by heart so you don’t bother wearing your reading glasses, reaching for a bottle of dark liquid, pausing so that you don’t add fish sauce to the banana bread.

   1. HA

   2. My number one fear in the kitchen is mistaking vanilla for soy sauce or vice versa. Lol.

   3. LOL this is me too thank you…

   4. I had put my pantry staples in unmarked glass jars at one point in my life. After I made banana bread with 1.5cups of salt (rather than sugar), everything lives in their original containers.

      I fed it to my husband. It has been almost 15 years and he still teases me about it.

      1. Ha! We have taken to labeling our leftovers, after one too many conversations about the contents. Without context, olives really look like eyeballs.

   5. My mother once mistook laundry starch for corn starch.

9. BigLaw women: what are you wearing if you are in the office?

   I am onboarding soon from a doc review job to a real associate job at a place I never summered at (so yes, the labor market is either that tight or I am just in the right place at the right time). The law review kids who work here never talked to me, so I really do not know what people wear. And the dress code is officially casual, and yet I don’t know what that means (suiting separates? Sweater and trouser-type pants? denim (and there are too many kinds of that now?) The office is open and I’ll need to go in a bit more when I start, but expect to be WFH at least 2 days a week with a lot of flexibility (which means I worry actually that I will never be mentored or develop the way people with established relationships will and 2 years later I’ll be out of a job, but hopefully will save up and make some contacts).

   In the meantime, help!

   1. ok one thing at a time. Are you being assigned any sort of associate mentor? You might ask your HR contact about that as it’s pretty typical for Biglaw, and this is one question that would be perfect for them.

      Failing that, on day 1 in the office I’d wear a black dress, black tights, and non-matching blazer… no one judges someone for dressing nicely their first day. Then you can tweak down from there.

      1. +1. On the rare days I go into the office, people are full casual (jeans, fleece, etc), but I like this idea for the first day, then have ankle pants and a dressy sweater lined up for day 2 and go from there.

   2. I quit biglaw last month (woot) but before that whenever I was in the office I was wearing pants (gap ankle pants or similar) and a nice thin sweater or cute blouse most of the time, maybe with a scarf or pretty necklace. Cute flats or shortish heel. Sometimes a ponte dress and booties. Our dress code was casual unless meeting clients (rare these days). For a client or opposing counsel meeting I would still do a full suit or sheath dress and a blazer – I had a clean blazer and heels in my office at all times in case someone showed up unexpectedly. But I would buy a few basics and then assess the vibe at your office – this can be very location and firm specific.

   3. OP on this: what I think I’m looking for is a long-sleeved black dress that is slightly A-line (but not a sheath), but in a fabric that isn’t super-casual (plenty of sweatshirt dresses). I feel like I could dress that up or down, but I’m not sure it exists? Stores in our malls are really empty or have not the right job or job-zoom sort of clothes (in doc review, we were remote, so no one ever saw all of me and I could keep my shoulders camera-ready if needed).

      I do have a BR skirt suit. You can wear tights with skirt suits in the winter? I’ve only worn it in warm weather months before (and it’s black wool). I do wish I had the pants now, but I think that could be a Day 1 outfit if I can’t find a dress.

      1. You can definitely wear tights with a skirt suit in the winter (I did regularly when I had to wear suits for work). Ideally your skirt is fully lined, or wear a slip if not to avoid static cling and allow freedom of movement.

      2. Maybe this dress? https://www.ofmercer.com/collections/dresses/products/rodney-dress?variant=39572555268176

         1. I do not need another work dress but this one in the pink/purple is super pretty.

            1. Le sigh — sold out in my size in both colors.

            2. I hate clothing retailers who don’t tell you something is sold out until you’ve clicked on the size. Let me know at a glance!

      3. How about this dress: Calvin Klein Recycled Polyester Milano Jersey Dress?

         Or the Karen Kane wrap dress or faux wrap dress?

         1. Re the KK dress — it either gets 5-star reviews or it’s noted that the fabric shows every lump and bump (which is my real concern — I need a fabric that can float a bit away from my body). How is it in IRL for people that have it? Does it seem to be a slinky wrap dress at all or is it truly work-appropriate?

            1. I have worn the same Karen Kane Cascade Dresses at many different sizes and stages (including pregnancy and postpartum). They are very comfortable, flattering, and work appropriate.

            2. I didn’t have that experience, I found the Cascade wrap perfectly appropriate.

            3. one of the worst purchases ive ever made. do not recommend. showed EVERYthing.

            4. for me the KK dress requires shapewear — it definitely won’t float away from your body.

               ironically the 100-day dress from AMA would work (but, you know, don’t wear only that)

               lands end wool dresses might also float away a bit. boden ottoman dresses too.

      4. Check out the J McLaughlin catalyst dress – comes in navy and black, great basic dress.

      5. I’m not sure how much time you have, but you might be able to find a J Crew Jules dress in black on eBay or via Poshmark. It’s a pretty boring dress on its own, but very easy to dress up with a scarf or accessories or a sweater, although not the easiest to wear with a blazer. At any rate, it’s a lightweight wool, a slight A line shape so very forgiving.

   4. What to wear is far less important than two of your other comments. First, the “law review kids who don’t talk to you” is in your head. Maybe they didn’t when you weren’t an associate but whatever. You’re colleagues now, befriend them – they will form a core part of your network going forward. Second, on working in the office or from home, as a young lawyer go in. You aren’t expected to work from home, that’s your firm trying to be responsive to the hybrid model. It won’t do you any favors as you point out but no one will be mad at you for going in. So go in. And then figure out what to wear. (And when in doubt black or navy slacks and a dark top with a blazer always works.)

      1. I think she meant that law review people didn’t talk to her in law school so she didn’t know what they wore.

         1. I think the point still stands, she’s othering them when she needs to make friends with them.

         2. no, she means she’s currently an edata associate at a firm where she is being hired as a Real Associate. Most of the time the Real Associates have no clue who the edata associates are.

            OP does sound like she has a bit of a chip on her shoulder about that. It’s not intentionally snotty it’s just literally we never saw them! They were at a different location and only got instruction from people on the case…

   5. Where is your office?

10. Does anyone use a travel advisor and can explain how it generally works. We travel a fair amount and I feel like we are always bogged down in making travel plans. I don’t really enjoy researching travel details. If anyone has recommendations for a specific travel advisor it would also be much appreciated! I am in the Boston area and interested in an advisor who can help with domestic and international (although maybe that requires two separate people?)

    1. Oh~ I need this in NY too. It’s the worst part of travel for me!!

    2. I will plan your trips! Kidding, but planning is my favorite part.

11. I’m looking for a delicate way to say I really don’t think there’s any ill intent, but it’s not lost on me that I might not have the same opportunities as my male peers.

    I’m limiting the details, but we’re all in- house counsel, and a big, complex reorganization several years ago put me in a different role then my peers (male). I genuinely believe there were good, non-sexist reasons for this, and I like and respect my boss. They make good attempts to include me, but I’m still genuinely concerned they have a lot more high-up contact then I do and may get opportunities I may miss. Again, I don’t want to accuse anyone of sexism (because I really don’t think that’s the case), but want to point out that how it’s fallen doesn’t look or feel great, and I’d like to see a career path that will work away from this.

    1. Have you tried saying all of this but leaving out references to gender? If you get the response you want, you might not have to name that as the issue. You could reserve it for a contingency in which you get dismissed or patronized in response. (No, I don’t think we should have to tip toe around naming it, but I recognize the real penalties we often pay when we do)

    2. This is what you say, “I’m genuinely concerned that following the reorganization, my colleagues have a lot more high-up contact then I do and may get opportunities I may miss. How can we work to ensure I have similar exposure and opportunities?” I have discussions on the latter ALL. THE. TIME. even without reorg/possible gender discrimination concerns. Advocate for yourself always!

12. Does anyone have any familiarity with any of the following colleges from a location/campus life perspective? My daughter is looking into a summer program that takes place for multiple weeks at various locations – the program is the same at each location:
    Roger Williams Univ in Bristol, RI
    Skidmore College, Saratoga Springs NY
    Dickinson College, Carlisle, PA
    Loyola Marymount, Los Angeles, CA?

    Any opinions one which location she should choose (or not choose) would be appreciated. Thanks.

    1. What kind of environment does your daughter like/what is she looking for? I can only speak to Dickinson College. It doesn’t have the full-on college town feel of let’s say UNC-CH, but downtown is absolutely walkable from campus, the campus is quite pretty, there is enough to do in Carlisle if you aren’t from a big city/have big city expectations, and if you want to get out in nature, there is lots of that nearby too (assuming you have a car).

       1. +100%…my parents taught at Dickinson for many years….best location around…lovely college town, close to nature and within 2 hours to big cities like Philly, DC, Northern VA, and 3 hours to NYC. Campus is beautiful and when I went to look at colleges at 18 I was amazed at how many other campuses are not as nice. That said, it is a 4 year liberal arts college and known for that….also has law school. If my daughter was interested in business or STEM, I would look at other colleges.

       2. +1

          If I were going, I’d probably choose Dickinson

    2. If this is CTY or a similar high school program, “campus life” will be dictated by the program so normal campus life is irrelevant. Air conditioned dorms should be your #1 consideration. It gets super hot in the summer even in Los Angeles. Sleep deprivation will be a problem no matter what, and lack of air conditioning makes things truly unbearable. If there is a cute little college town area, CTY usually walks the kids over in groups or drops them off in a van for a couple of hours on the weekend. Same if there is a shopping mall. The rest of the time they will be very much locked down.

       1. I think you could get away without A/C in Saratoga Springs and Bristol with a window fan. I never had A/C in Boston.

    3. I can’t say how it would compare to the others but Skidmore would be a great choice. Saratoga has a fantastic downtown that is walking distance from Skidmore and the campus is beautiful. It’s a small town vibe, but in the summer it gets really busy and a lot of fun nightlife. The campus is at the end of a quiet street full of the most expensive houses in town, so safety-wise you’re probably good (though in the summer at night there is more of the drunken-revelry type of crime). There’s a beautiful park downtown (where I got married, so maybe I’m biased), an amphitheater with open seating on the lawn for concerts, nearby hiking… Saratoga is great.

       1. +1 i grew up in Saratoga and it would be a perfect summer camp location. It is a lot nicer than the other locations listed (except maybe LA, but then your daughter is in LA).

       2. I did CTY at Skidmore. Agree with above. I remember walking into the downtown on weekends and feeing very grown up about it.

    4. Loyola Marymount has a nice campus with distinct boundaries (unlike UCLA and USC). It’s very close to the ocean and adjacent to everything you could want access to in LA. Car would still be helpful but not necessary.

    5. I’m guessing it’s CTY. I did it at Dickinson. A friend did it at Loyola Marymount. I had a much better time. For a summer program for kids, you want the least urban option. We got significantly more freedom than my friend in LA did.

       1. CTY alumna here, two different campuses. I agree with this.

    6. I grew up near Roger Williams. It is in a small town. I think you’d need a window AC. There isn’t much around, and there’s no public transportation to speak of. When I was in college, it was more of a commuter school. Not sure if that’s changed (its been 20 years).

    7. I grew up in Carlisle, mostly without air conditioning, and think it’s a really nice town for adolescents. Lots of stuff accessible on foot from Dickinson’s campus, and the campus itself is very attractive with lots of green space. Can be hot in the summer, and I suspect the dorms aren’t air conditioned, but that wouldn’t be an issue for me. Can’t speak directly to the CTY program there, but a local friend did it several times and had really wonderful experiences each time.

    8. I did CTY at Loyola Marymount and loved it. Pick a class that interests her and dates that work – I suspect she’ll love it no matter where she goes.

13. Did anyone get anything good/fun accomplished this weekend?

    I’ve had a three-ring binder with sheet protectors holding print-outs of my favorite recipes for about 15 years. (Anyone else old fashioned enough to want to look at paper, not a screen, when cooking?) I haven’t updated it in maybe 7 years, and I did it this weekend! Some recipes are old stand-bys that I turn to again and again, but others I hadn’t used since I first printed them out. I removed the ones that haven’t used and added all the new ones that I’ve added over the years (that really are the new favorites). I keep a running document of my recipes in Google Docs, all uniformly formatted to make me happy, so I can add recipes whenever we find a good one and access whenever I’m traveling away from my trusty notebook. It was such a fun “memory tour” and a “do the thing” that I’m still happy about it :)

    What about your weekend?

    1. That’s great.I am in awe of your google docs too.

       Repaired the pocket linings & zipper pull of my favorite light down coat.

       Hiked with micro spikes~ game changer

       1. I wish I had practical sewing skills like that!

          1. I’d really like to learn basic but practical sewing skills (hemming, fixing ripped lining, etc). Any ideas for where to learn? My mom doesn’t sew (she’d hand off hemming our school uniform kilts to my grandma!) and my grandmothers are long dead.

             1. Check your local night school or perhaps local Craigslist under activities or classes. If you use your local Nextdoor ask on there too

             2. I learned a lot of this in Girl Scouts. But I bet you could find a lot of this on YouTube, if you’re comfortable learning things on your own.

             3. I have a maker studio in my town where you can take classes and rent sewing space.

             4. Unless you’re hemming materials like denim, at lot of small alterations and repairs can be done by hand-stitching. Equipment: needle, thread, thimble, pinning needles or clips, measuring tape, iron, iron board, dish towel (for pressing).

                Practice your hand-stitching by a little embroidery and basic stitches to feel more confident. Youtube is your friend. Search for tailoring by hand.

                Start by small repairs on garments that would otherwise be done.

             5. Honestly, get a kids pillow sewing craft kit (maybe with buttons as decorations). You’ll learn basic hand sewing and pillows are cute. You don’t need a machine for seam repairs or fixing buttons, which is 95% of why I sew.

    2. I did this a few weeks ago! I cook from recipes on my tablet the first time I try something, but if it’s a keeper, I copy it over to a doc, since online recipes can easily disappear. The real keepers get printed out and put in a binder, which makes it a lot easier to find and cook from.

    3. I finished the first draft of my first novel!

       I started the draft in May 2021 and was so happy to type “The End” on Sunday afternoon.

       I’m in awe of your recipe binder. That’s something I’d aspire to do but wouldn’t take the time to really do it.

       1. Oh my gosh! Congratulations!!

          1. Thank you! I’m making myself celebrate the accomplishment before getting overwhelmed at the thought of revising…

       2. CONGRATULATIONS!!! What a huge accomplishment!

       3. Wow, that’s huge!! Congratulations!

    4. I darned two moth holes in my favourite handknit cardigan (it had been in the freezer since I discovered them in early December and I finally got myself together to deal with it over the weekend).
       It had to be done but was still annoying to do

       1. Yesss good for you darning! I sew but I get so daunted by yarn repairs.

          1. Might be too late but go-gle “wool clothing repair kit by woolfiller” available in Canada for sure through Sugru!

    5. I reorganized 2 of our kitchen cabinets to get rid of the accumulated ‘unitaskers’ we don’t use and to move things around to better suit our daily habits vs. where things just ended up because someone shoved it in there. It sounds small but it made me so happy to get a bunch of clutter off of our counters and into cabinets!

       1. I feel your excitement! I’d be psyched to have that done too!

    6. I finished a five-layer lino print. Honestly it was too ambitious but I’m happy I tried it. I started a three-block one that I’ll finish tonight. Classes start tomorrow so I won’t have time for the rest of the semester.

       1. This is so cool!!!

    7. Finished 2 books – One I’ve been reading for 15 months (dry subject matter but a good primer for part of my industry) and the other for a couple of months. Neither was particularly long but I fell out of my reading habit. I continued another book and started a new “for fun” book last night! OH!! And FINALLY signed up for GoodReads.

       1. This is fun! What are the “for fun” books involved? I’m always looking for new recommendations.

    8. I got 95% of the way through a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. You can see the picture now and the few remaining pieces are the kind that I can just casually work on while getting a fresh cup of coffee.

    9. I love these posts so much. Love love love. I got nothing accomplished this weekend (par for the course post chemo), and I don’t even care because I get to live vicariously through you all. I love that I randomly stumbled on a community of such interesting people 6 years ago. Keep sharing the wins!

    10. I put up new shelves in the pantry and was able to fill them up pretty quickly from the cramped space we had before. I thought I’d be gaining extra storage space but it’s very nice to be able to actually see things now. For example, we have 2 1/2 bags of polenta, which we always think we’re out of.

    11. We (mostly Hubby) got the garage cleaned out after the latest round of home improvements had gotten it all sawdusty and higgledy-piggledy, and now it’s nice and clean and we can park two out of three cars in there! Yay! He installed this fancy air filter system, and a new air compressor system, and I don’t know what-all, and he’s super psyched. My main contribution was sweeping and vacuuming endless sawdust (and setting up the Firestick on the garage TV), but I’m happy to have been able to help in my small way.

        Also, I walked like 50,000 steps over the three day weekend so I’m chuffed about that. I got caught in the rain a mile from home yesterday but that sure helped get my heart rate up as I hustled home as fast I could!

        1. Wow that’s a great number of steps! I love it :)

14. I’ve been approached (like many other associates at law firms right now!) with an interesting offer/discussion at another firm. The new firm is larger than mine current firm and would be a full service (vs currently in a boutique environment). I would appreciate any thoughts on questions to ask yourself when considering making a jump to a new firm.

    I’m not unhappy at my current firm – but feel, especially recently, underappreciated and, after discussing the new offer, underpaid. My current firm, like many others, are considering some market-based increased, but have not announced them yet. They have been clear that I am a strong candidate for partnership – but, at the same time, I feel that they value ($$) my immediate male colleague more than me.

    The offer isn’t formalized yet – I am exploring certain questions with the new firm (lifestyle, hours requirements, path to partnership, support staff, etc). I will likely give my current firm an opportunity to match my outside offer, which may make the above conversation moot! It’s great to feel wanted, but I also want to make sure I’m making a change that will support my growth and development of my practice.

    1. What’s your practice area and what would it be? Some have better exit options than others. You likely won’t want to spend your career at a firm so look at the exit paths open to you from both and choose from there. Happy to offer more thoughts with more info.

       1. Thanks – I hadn’t considered the exit option aspect. Partnership is an interesting pathway, but not guaranteed (and I’m not 100% that I definitely want it. The old joke, partnership is like winning a pie-eating contest where the prize is more pie, appears to hold some truth)
          Current practice area is L&E, new practice area would be about 50-60% L&E and the rest administrative law (litigation-like, but in front of agencies/commissions instead of courts).

          1. L&E has way more exit paths – if you’re still doing it, that’s good but I’d make sure. Bigger firms have less of a counseling practice than smaller ones, which can hinder your ability to go in-house or move to the business side.

    2. I moved from an AMLAW 200 to a 100 firm last year and I generally think it was a good move in terms of just professionalism and development however the hours at the bigger firm is crushing – I went from billing 1800 a year to 2350 and that was not something I was prepared for. My total comp more than doubled though so I guess it was worth it. I do think that I have better exit opportunities here. Happy to chat more.

15. Midwest winter coat recs. Driving myself crazy on the googles this morning so thought I’d see if anyone had an enthusiastic endorsement. Currently own a land’s end sleeping bag coat that is proving too cumbersome for a driving commute and J. crew stadium cloth jacket that is warm, but not enough coverage. Looking for knee-length, dual way zipper, warm but not mega bulky. Prefer hooded, puffer style OK. Up to $250 range. thank you!

    1. Check the Costco website and see if any of those strike your fancy. I got one yesterday in my store that’s not on the website for $25 that matches your description.

       1. Can you post product info? Headed there this week. thank you!

    2. Eddie Bauer Sun Valley Down Parka. Warm, not super bulky, 2-day zipper, flattering cut (as down parkas go).

       1. Cosign this. Was my daily coat for years in Boston. Not too bulky but very toasty. Comes in petite, tall, regular and plus.

       2. +1 this is my coat I wear when it’s really cold in Wisconsin.

    3. Belle on Caphillstyle has posted about the same coat several times; she swears it’s the best. I live in a southern state where winter doesn’t really exist, so I have no independent suggestions.

       https://caphillstyle.com/capitol/2020/11/25/the-find-the-warmest-jacket-ever.html

       1. I have ordered this jacket 2X based on her recommendation. I got mine for $50 each, $ well-spent. If you need longer coats, the link pops up some recommended ones (so if they are like this, I’d try). I got the first for me but ordered the second for my daughter after she kept stealing it. I sized up so I could wear over very bulky sweaters or a suit jacket if needed.

       2. I just ordered this based on your recommendation — thank you!

    4. Suggest looking at Eddie Bauer. I am in the Twin Cities and have bought multiple Lodge coats- while that particular style is below knee (aka sleeping bag), they have several other knee length styles and with sale prices would fit in your budget. They make great coats that are very warm.

    5. I have an older version of the Patagonia Down With It parka and its served me very well. I do walk and take public transportation a lot, so it’s different, but its mid length, fitted but not too puffy, definitely kept me warm. I find it too warm if its above 32F, and honestly as long as its above 20F or so I don’t need to wear a sweater under it. I usually run cold. I wore it regularly in the single digits and low teens in Chicago.

    6. I have a Moosejaw Woodward Longer Down Jacket that is delightfully cozy and far less of a bulky hassle for really cold driving commute days than my previous Columbia 3-in-1. The hood is actually warm (unlike on my Columbia, where it is just a waterproof shell), and while I don’t put my thumbs through the thumb holes, the thumb hole cuffs are nice for keeping snow and cold wind from going up my arms.

    7. Marmot strollbridge jacket. Price is $300 but they offer have deals. I think they have a new customer offer but also has great sales for Black Friday this year. A lot lighter weight and still very warm

    8. Highly recommend the Columbia Joy Peak mid-length! Also recommend trying it on with the number/thickness of layers you usually wear in the winter, I had to size up to be comfortable in a thick sweater but the jacket still works without losing all shape if I am wearing something less bulky.

16. Help! First time buying a fridge, the old one that came with the house is about 20 years old and freezing over. Family of 4. We don’t use the water/ice dispenser.

    Any tips for buying a new fridge? Any brand or layout recommendations? Anything to avoid?

    Thank you!

    1. I hate to say this, but you may need to take what you can get. We had to replace a fridge that died unexpectedly and when we gave the appliance store guys our dimensions of what would fit in the opening we had 3 options that were in stock and could get to us without a 6mo + wait.
       We also have a chest freezer that we got last spring and I love it SO SO much. To be able to store bulky extras (frozen pizzas, trader joes appetizers, frozen dinners, meat when it is on sale, etc.) without having them take up valuable space in my ‘regular use’ freezer is amazing. My freezer now holds an edited selection of meat I will be using in the next week or two, a few containers of broth/wine, frozen berries for smoothies, ice pops, and bread/tortillas. No risk of everything tumbling out when I open it and I don’t have to play freezer jenga to store things.

    2. Do NOT get a LG fridge. We had one that was terrible and more than one repair person said it’s the worst brand.
       Now we have a Samsung that is good.

       1. + our appliance repair person said that LG replacement parts take forever to arrive and are often poorly made.

    3. Make sure it fits in the space you have and that you can get it into your house- make sure to measure your kitchen doorway. Appliances have gotten a lot bigger, so this an be a big problem in older houses. Like you, I don’t use water or ice dispensers (they waste a lot of energy, plus I don’t like cold drinks), so I more or less bought the simplest energy star model from a name brand (I think GE is what we ended up with?) of the size I wanted. I like the old school freezer on top, but you could also consider freezer on the bottom or side by side if you prefer those. I see no reason to spend more- all the fancy stuff just tends to cause problems and I don’t care about it anyway.

    4. get the extended warranty or buy using a credit card that adds to the warranty – for pretty much any brand. Fridges don’t last any more.

    5. I second the recommendation to measure your space. However, the installers can remove the fridge doors to get it through a tight doorway. Also, the tallest dimension may only be in the very front so the back of the appliance may still fit under a lower cabinet. My biggest complaint about moderately-priced refrigerators is the plastic parts tend to break easily. I would pay a lot more for a standard size refrigerator with more solid construction, but I haven’t found that yet.

    6. Nobody will repair a Samsung fridge here, so I would avoid. Also have had a terrible experience with our Kitchen Aid fridge – would never again buy from their brands. I guess if I had to do it again I would probably buy GE. If you have a Costco membership I believe they double the appliance warranties, so definitely check them out.

    7. We have a family friend who does appliance repair (and has helped with ours). He said DO NOT do LG if possible (major compressor issue), Samsungs are good but the best way to go is GE or Maytag. There are lots of incentives for big box stores to move LGs and Samsungs despite their quality not being as good as the others. Good luck!

    8. Have you tried repairing the current fridge? My fridge was freezing and I just had it repaired — a quick replacement part — for a small fee. Mine is much younger than 20 years, and at 20 years a replacement probably makes sense anyway, but given how scarce the supply is, if you don’t find something or don’t want to spend the money, I would suggest calling in a repair person first to assess your options if you haven’t.

       1. +1

          I’ve done this multiple times living in different apartments. It is often an easy, much cheaper fix than you would think.

          Otherwise, go to Costco, charge on your Costco card.

    9. I like Whirlpool for brand, but I HATE side by sides, which is what came with our house. Freezer on bottom is more “current” than freezer on top but doesn’t hold as much.

    10. Beware of the super fancy ones like SubZero and the like. We have a fancy one (name escapes me at the moment) and it costs a FORTUNE to repair.

    11. Just bought a Samsung at Costco. Unlike others, we walked in HomeDepot and Best Buy and they both had several in stock that would fit. But Costco had the best price and they gave a 2 year versus 1 year mfg warranty. The way thing last – or don’t last – a warranty from a good place is important to me. We got a double door on top which I love, and the extra drawer that can be used as a fridge drawer or freezer – good for drinks in a busy family. We use it for cheese, tortillas, lunchmeat and bacon. But I like that I could put a sheet cake or sheet pan in to freeze if I needed to.

17. New car buying tips in these crazy times? We are buying a 2022 RAV4 hybrid and selling a 2011 Honda Civic. Had a good test drive this weekend but was frustrated by the insane markup on the new car (which seems to really vary by dealer, this one was just very high) and the low balling for the Honda. Does it make sense to settle on a price for the new car first, and then say we’re willing to trade the Honda? Or does trading the Honda make us more likely to get a better price on the new car, since used cars are in such demand right now?

    We are also looking outside our region but it seems like as soon as dealers in other regions find out where we are from they add a markup too (and we need to tell them for tax purposes)

    1. I always, always get the price of the new vehicle in writing before I will talk trade-in. I get an outside estimate on the trade-in first. Given demand for used cars, you might do better selling to Carmax etc.

       1. If you really want to trade in the civic to the dealership, get a quote from Carmax or similar, then bring it to the dealership to negotiate. But like Anon at 10:57 says, given demand right now, you’ll probably get better value for the civic selling it to Carmax or even on CL or a neighborhood group

    2. There is a shortage on new cars and used cars. You can’t negotiate on the sale price of the new car because you have no bargaining power, you may be able to negotiate the trade in value if it’s a car that will be resold (not if it’s scrap).

    3. I’d keep the Civic and punt on a new car for a while. Sticker price is just the price of admission and your Civic is a much simpler, easier to maintain car. The Toyota will be reliable, things do break eventually and it will be expensive to fix once it’s out of warranty – to the point that unless it’s essential to making the vehicle run, you’re best off learning to just live with it. Toyota dealership service departments are supremely annoying by pushing a “Your tire pressure sensor failed, have you thought about purchasing a new car?” agenda.

       1. +1.

       2. I agree. I’d hold off on the new car if possible. My Honda Civic is a 2012 with just under 100k miles. I only use it on the weekends and I hope it will last another 5 years/50k miles.

    4. I am also looking at getting a RAV4 eventually and would NOT buy in the current market. Markups are crazy high and you may have to wait several months if you want something ordered from the factory (due to the chip shortage), unless you are willing to settle for whatever the dealer has on the lot.
       You are likely to get a good deal on your used Honda if you trade it in, especially if it has low-ish mileage and is in good condition. Is it essential that you replace the Honda soon?

    5. If you can keep the Honda and delay buying, do that. If not, separate the transactions. Price the Toyota with no trade in. Get prices on the Honda from both CarMax and Carvana. I sold a 10+ year old bottom of the line car recently, and Carvana was several thousand dollars higher than CarMax. They provided the price over the phone and came to the house to collect the car (about 60 miles from the nearest location).

    6. Just accept it’s going to cost more now if you want a new car. Used cars that old aren’t going to be worth a ton even now. The delta on maximizing the used car sale wouldn’t be worth the time to me, but YMMV.

       1. I was the poster above who sold an 11 year old, bottom of the line Kia, and all it took was a phone call to get the price. Your time may be worth more, but my rate is not more than $5,000 per hour, so it paid off for me.

       2. i wouldn’t be so sure about this. We just sold our 2012 RAV-4 through a private sale for $13k. We purchased it for $10k in 2016. Used Hondas and Toyotas do pretty well even when the car market isn’t this crazy!

    7. This may or may not be helpful, but are you dead set on the RAV4? I was looking at the RAV4 Prime but the market is so insane for them– markups above MSRP, having to fight even to get on a waiting list– I gave up and went with a Mazda CX-5. Absolutely LOVE it, drives like a dream, feels insanely luxurious on the inside for the price point, got a ton of upgrades and was cheaper than the RAV. Best part was that I walked into the Mazda dealership and walked out with the exact CX-5 I wanted the same day. I paid MSRP without any shady “market adjustments” and got a solid deal on my trade-in (ended up being slightly below my CarMax offer, but my car was literally falling apart and I was happy with the trade I got).

       Anyways, my point is everyone is clamoring for certain cars right now, RAV4s being one of them. If you venture away from the most popular cars you might have a better time.

    8. My advice is not to buy a Rav4. In the five years I owned one, we were getting recall notices on a monthly basis. And the dealership was awful to work with. That experience turned me into a Honda buyer for life, probably.

       1. Ha my experience was the opposite – my first car was a used Honda Civic and I kept getting notices about it, so my second and current car is a RAV4 and I haven’t had any issues in the 6 years I’ve had it.

    9. We had to buy a new car in the fall because ours was totaled. We bought a 2019 RAV4 hybrid. I would suggest looking for used options from 2019 with low mileage. You’ll pay close to what you think you SHOULD pay for a new car right now, but there are cars that are effectively basically new. 2019 was when they switched to the current look/had almost all the tech and safety features that it has now. Otherwise agree with everyone else not to engage with the dealership about your trade in. We didn’t do one (obviously, since our car was totaled) but it seemed clear from the selling shenanigans at the dealership that they had totally scammed the person who traded in the used RAV4 we were buying.

    10. If you’re not set on the RAV4, you should look at the plug in hybrid ford escape! Plug in hybrids make so much sense for this transition to EVs, plus buying American is always a good thing!

18. We’re considering buying a house with a shared driveway between three properties, one of which is an undeveloped lot (owned by couple looking to retire in the town with no plans to build, may not build in which case we’d try to purchase it as well). Ownership is split down the middle and all properties have access easements. Understanding between current owners is no one can park/block access on driveway. The driveway is ~15 years old and in perfect condition, and there are no adjacent trees to cause root issues. Maintenance has not come up (not an area with snow for plowing/salting), and there is no maintenance agreement. My husband and I both think this sounds like a property hypo nightmare, but this house is perfect on all other points (price, location, size, layout, no reno needed, etc) in a competitive market and we’ve been looking seriously for a year without any other realistic options. This is a pre-list option we found from a network connection and we have to decide soon. Assuming you had to make this house work, what kind of assurances would you want as a buyer? The current owner seemed open to trying to get a maintenance agreement in place, but no insight on if we could get the other two property owners to agree. We’re less concerned with the cost of maintenance but more with the ability to fix it if/when issues come up. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. The Hive always has such thoughtful advice! TIA!

    1. Anything shared with others critical to your enjoyment of your property is just a nightmare waiting to happen. You could get lucky, but there’s other houses.

       1. PS – there are no assurances you can get that resolve future fighting over maintenance with your neighbors. People have different ability to pay and different approaches (3 bids, drag on deciding, get it done etc) to repairs. That said, all depends on how critical this driveway is, if you can live without it if things got nuts, go for it. Also, fixing a driveway isn’t that expensive in the scheme of things.

          1. If you don’t need to plow or shovel, what else might you need but a replacement eventually? If the driveway is concrete, it may last forever in a mild climate.

             1. The only foreseeable maintenance would be eventual replacement (long term) or repairs from construction on the undeveloped lot (hypothetical and something I think would be their responsibility, regardless of what side of the driveway its on).

    2. Do you have street parking? Or only parking accessed by the driveway? Do they?

       I have generally lived in old areas of car-using suburbs and this is a common thing and I can recall no drama. I had to redo my private driveway (and take down a shared fence and take down a tree that had grown into the fence) and did it asap when the Reasonable Neighbor was selling seeing as how she could sell to a person who was a PITA (she didn’t). But it’s really common in some places and people seem to act reasonably.

       But consider how it would likely be if you had a party or houseguests or workers who needed to come (like tree trimmers or carpet cleaners, both of which tend to have big vehicles that need to get in and stay for a while).

       1. No street parking, we all need the driveway to access our properties and our parking areas. There’s been no drama so far and everyone seems reasonable and courteous; this is just us trying to think of the worse-possible scenario so we go into this with realistic expectations. One concern is whether construction on the empty lot if they ever decide to build would block the driveway/cause damage. I think this is something the lot owners need to handle if/when they build, and there isn’t anything we can do now to mitigate.

          1. The couple that owns the third lot and looking to retire may want to sell that property to a developer to support them in retirement. I wouldn’t want to listen to construction and deal with the unknown factor of new owners. How long have the other owners lived there? Do they have kids? Will they soon be empty nesters and want to move? Worst case scenario, is it possible to build your own driveway or widen the current one? Either way, if you buy this property you have to be willing to accept all these unknowns. I’d want enough of a cushion in the bank to make things easier if problems arise.

    3. Honestly if you love the house I wouldn’t let a shared driveway stop me. At worst you’re what, paying to seal the driveway every few years and maybe doing some snow shoveling/plowing? I had a shared driveway and it was fine, I would just shovel the entire thing myself since my neighbor was elderly. A maintenance agreement is not something that is done here.

       1. That’s helpful to know and seems how it’s done here. We’re fine with this approach and would be fine shouldering the burden of maintenance. Another point to note – we would own the land adjacent to one side and could widen the driveway so we have enough space for a vehicle on only the land we own if things took a turn and the easement portion got hostile.

          1. This makes this a no brainer for me. You have an exit option if it does get bad; you’re willing to shoulder maintenance, which will make future negotiations easier; and it seems amicable for the present time. I would go for it!

    4. Different, but we live on a rural, private road with a handshake agreement on maintaining the mile-long gravel road for 4 houses. (It needs grading maybe quarterly and new gravel once a year or so.) It’s currently primarily maintained now by the retiree at the end of the road who enjoys projects and has the little bobcat thing to do the grading, but we chat regularly with him, and pay for a load of gravel when he says it’s our turn. We haven’t had any drama with it, so it’s possible to just get along on something like this. (My husband plans to talk to him about buying the bobcat from him when he gets too old to do the work, so my husband can keep it up. We’re the youngest on the road, so it just makes sense for us to do it.)

       1. What a nice situation.

    5. We have a shared driveway (with 2 other houses) and it is completely a non-issue.

    6. There should be *some* sort of maintenance agreement in addition the access easements, but they can be fairly simple, especially if you’re less likely to have deterioration from weather or environment. Have you seen the easements themselves? There may be provisions in them about maintenance, etc. But assuming the shared driveway is the only issue with the house, I wouldn’t let it stop me, but I live in a semi-rural/suburban Midwest area where shared driveways are not that uncommon. Do you have another entry point if you absolutely HAD to put in your own driveway? The real issue is if you have bad neighbors, which could happen regardless of whether you share a driveway (our across the street neighbors are trying to put in a commercial property in an ag-zoned area on a residential road, sigh).

       1. Thanks for your insight! We do have land adjacent to the shared driveway where we could put in our own if needed. We’ve seen the easements and it says that maintenance is the responsibility of the property owner (doesn’t say anything else).

    7. FWIW I ruled out a house with a shared driveway because even if the owners respect it, it’s too easy for their guests/maintenance people not to. I also stayed in an Airbnb once for a month with a shared driveway and was blocked in four separate times by guests of the other airbnb who thought the driveway was all theirs— and you probably have no agreement with the co-owners that they can’t rent out their place. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

19. For those of you that pay for your prescription tretinoin gel (0.05%) out of pocket, where do you buy it?

    I have been using it for 10 years for my hormonal acne (in combo with spironolactone) and now my insurance no longer covers it, so I have to pay for it out of pocket. I can’t tolerate the cream, so I use the gel.

    I was going to check Costco, but thought I’d try here first!

    1. I get mine from a compounding pharmacy. It was going to be $200 at a normal pharmacy but is $50 at the compounding one. A refill usually lasts me 3 months.

       1. Same. My derm recommended getting it filled at the compounding pharmacy downstairs from their office … it was $30.

    2. AllDayChemist is a frequent recommendation on the SkinCareAddiction subr3dd!t.

    3. I get targeted ads for Nurx and it looks like they are now able to fill tretinoin prescriptions. Maybe check there?

    4. I have gotten it from Costco with a GoodRx coupon.

    5. I’m so glad you brought this up. I can’t tolerate the cream either (I’m pretty sure I’ve targeted the problem ingredient) but the gel is so drying. Thinking the compounding pharmacy could offer a cream with a different base.

       1. There’s also a micro gel that’s supposedly more moisturizing.

    6. I use curology for mine. I like the convenience and I like that it’s combined with other rx topicals

       I also love their “rich” moisturizer lotion and it’s only a $10 add on to get that and a decent basic cleanser in my every-other-month delivery.

20. I need a new pair of eyeglasses and want to try some colored plastic frames. Any tips on how to pick for my coloring? Black hair and dark eyes, medium skin.

    1. Cool or warm coloring?

    2. Are there colors you love to wear near your face? One of them might work.

       1. +1 This is what I look for. My current frames are medium-light pink, which is my best color. They’re Versace, which in retrospect I would absolutely positively not recommend, but I like that they are wire rimmed on the bottom and have a colored frame on top. These are them: https://www.lenscrafters.com/lc-us/versace/8053672851243

          But seriously don’t buy Versace glasses. The little gold lions on the side fell off after like two months.

    3. It sounds like you have medium to high contrast, so I would make sure you maintain that level with your frames (i.e., don’t get clear plastic!). It’s a bit of trial and error even if you do know your coloring to find the right glasses colors (just a slight difference in tonality really changes how I feel about blue glasses on my face), but I generally find that two- or multi-toned frames are a bit more forgiving (so a tortoiseshell, or gray on top and blue on bottom). The thickness of the frames matters; if you have bolder features, you may want a thicker frame. Given your stated contrast I might think about a dark purple or dark red, which are flattering to a wide variety of skin tones.

       1. Oh, and if you’re confident that your coloring is warm, a dark green or brown might also be beautiful. I am kind of neutral toned, a little on the cool side, so tend to stay away from those.

    4. I have always had colored frames. I have dark hair, blue-gray eyes, and light skin, and red or purple always work well on me. I’m due to pick up a new pair of computer glasses and I’m trying a teal-ish green this time.

       There’s little substitute for trying them on but those online try-on apps like Warby Parker has can help you with this.

21. Maybe a weird question but does anyone have experience in training themselves to not get startled easily? I jump or startle at small things all the time–a dog unexpectedly barking as I walk by, an inanimate object moving of its own volition (sliding off the table or chair), someone appearing out of nowhere and making a noise or saying something, etc. My reaction is always outsize to the trigger, like screaming or gasping loudly. It’s totally involuntary but also embarrassing to gasp audibly when someone unexpectedly comes up behind me or something. How can I stop myself from doing this?

    1. I do too, but I’m not training myself out of it. Best case I share the sh*t out of an actual threat.

    2. Following!

       I make an “oop” sound when unexpected things happen in low stakes circumstances (missing a hit in tennis, dice rolling off the table during a board game, dropping something when cooking). It annoys me that I always do this and I don’t know how to stop – it’s just instinct!

    3. tbh I wouldn’t worry about this unless you’re truly shrieking regularly. A gasp or “oops” or quick ducking (I am the worst at this, the shadow of a bird or ball will totally get me every time) or the uber-Midwestern “ope!”) – NBD.

    4. I likewise have an easy startle response. It is my understanding that it is a biological reaction related to having a high ACES score, and continued high levels of stress (cortisol) that make your physical body pre-dispositioned to high levels of alertness. An uncontrollable biological reaction.

    5. I do the same thing, and I stopped trying to unlearn it because it actually made the problem worse.

    6. I do this too. It’s actually a medical/behavioral thing, called an enhanced startle response. It is most common in people with anxiety (and a bunch of other behavioral disorders), and can be enhanced by stress. There are very severe forms that are caused by various heritable mutations, but that is not likely part of your situation.

       It is very difficult to modify. Try to drink less caffeine. Try to decrease anxiety in other general ways, like via eating/sleeping well, regular exercise, mindfulness activities etc..

       I tell people – do not startle me! Make noise when you are approaching. Don’t sneak up. I have broken down sobbing when someone startled me in my home. It kinda sucks.

    7. It’s an anxiety thing for me. If I’m startling easily, it means my anxiety is sky-high. I see it as a warning sign, not something to train myself out of.

       1. +1!

    8. My severe startle response goes down noticeably when I wear my contacts compared to when I wear my glasses. My far peripheral vision is utter crap in glasses, which makes it easier for things to sneak up on me.

22. If you had a 200$ Nordstrom card and 200$ in visa cards what would you spend them on? Looking for somthing fun or just-because-I-like-it, my basics are all covered and i dont really need anything or have any upgrades in mind.

    1. I save stuff like this for when I stumble on something I really want but my inner voice says “you don’t really need that, put it back.”

       1. This voice also lives in my head! To the point where its becomes a problem of not feeling like I deserve to have certain things or do things just because I like them. I guilt myself out of purchases or away from anything besides the basics.

          …plus the fear of picking or liking the “wrong” thing or what if i find something i like better after already spending the money?! President of the bad at spending discretionary money club…

    2. Maybe a whole new set of makeup at the makeup counters. Or really nice boots that I could wear for years. Resort-friendly clothes for all the vacations that I hope to take.

    3. I have a boot problem, but I’d get boots.

       – classic blundstones are so comfortable, trendy enough right now to wear to work/to dinner, but sturdy enough that they’re my sh!t kickers.
       – I just bought the Harriet from Red Wing. Much like the blundstones, nice enough for work/socializing (these are nicer – leather uppers and a low heel) very sturdy / well made
       – I just got knock offs uggs for running errands/wearing around the house. If I had money burning a hole in my pocket I’d get a real pair.

    4. I make a running list of big purchases I want and then look at it when I have money I didn’t expect.

       Fancy bed linens? Noise-canceling headphones?

    5. I would be stocking up on lug-sole shoes/boots, which I love and are having a moment right now.

23. First world problem but I need vacation inspiration for June. 7-10 days, international, probably Europe because of weather and distance constraints. We had an Italy/Croatia/Montenegro/Greece cruise booked and it seems it will likely be canceled. Not those countries because we will hopefully do the cruise next year. Probably not France or the UK either. We have a 4 year old so can’t do fine dining or intense hiking. Open to anything other than the places listed above but having a hard time figuring out what grabs me. I think I’m just really bummed about the cruise. I was really looking forward to it.

    1. Barcelona? Rome & Tuscany? (Presumably your cruise leaves from Venice on that itinerary so personally I wouldn’t write off all of Italy!!)

       1. Cruise left from Ravenna. We were going to spend time in Bologna beforehand. Italy is my most-visited Euro country and we’re going to Tuscany in March so definitely somewhere else for this trip. :)

       2. I second the recommendation for Barcelona. You could combine it with a few days in Mallorca or Ibiza if you want a mix of city and beach (it is an easy ~1 hour flight from Barcelona to the islands).

    2. What about two Scandinavian countries? They would be pretty friendly to traveling with a small child and travel there does not demand a focus on fine dining (like France or Italy might).

    3. I’ve not been, but I’ve heard that Stockholm and Copenhagen are both great with young kids, so those are tops on my list once I’m up for that long of a flight with my youngling.

       1. Also, Vienna is wonderful in the summer (all sorts of kid-friendly outdoor stuff, from movies, to markets, to dining), has easy public transit, and could easily be combined by train with one or more other interesting cities (Munich, Salzburg, Prague, Budapest).

          1. I did a Budapest, Vienna, Bratislava, Prague trip a few years ago and loved it!

    4. Iceland is fantastic if you don’t mind cold weather.

    5. Berlin is great with kids, as is Portugal, we stay with my parents so no specific recommendations but we had a nice time in Porto.

    6. I’d do Spain and Portugal or Copenhagen and Stockholm.

       For Copenhagen, it is great for kids; kids love Tivoli and although 4 might be too young, the Little Mermaid is fun. Go on a canal cruise. In Stockholm, go to the Vasa Museet and the Children’s garden nearby. Take the water taxi from the Vasa Museet to the old town and walk around and have lunch at a small deli type place. The Old Parliment building is nice. Go to the Palace and walk around the gardens. Take a boat out to the archipelago if possible. There is a bridge between Denmark and Sweden that might be fun. Or take the ferry from Hamlet’s Castle to Lund in Sweden and then go from Lund to Stockholm via the bridge. We did all of this with kids and it was great.

       1. +1 to Copenhagen. If you want a little bit of the cruise experience, we also took an overnight ferry from Copenhagen to Oslo and spent a few days there being flying home. At the time, I think the ferry was actually cheaper than a night in a hotel in Oslo or Copenhagen, and arriving in Oslo from the sea was fantastic! As long as you don’t get seasick, I think a kid might find that fun.

    7. Portugal, or one of the islands off the coast of France?

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