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Updated: May 12, 2021 323 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: The Tory Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | · ·

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The Tory Dress from M.M.LaFleur is one of my absolute favorites in my closet, and it’s available at a steep discount. When it was first introduced several years ago, it had a waitlist a mile long. Now, it seems like the company is looking to retire it.

I really like the faux wrap top (it’s completely sewn-together, there’s no possibility for gapping) and the rolled sleeves for a less stuffy, but still pulled together look. I will say it runs a little large, but I went one size down and found that it fits me perfectly. (For reference, I’m 5’6”, long-waisted, hourglass shape.)

If this one isn’t your cup of tea, do check out the other items in their “Last Call” section for some excellent deals on a bunch of other final sale items. I grabbed a skirt for $20 and a dress for $80.

The pictured dress is $105, marked down from $265, and comes in sizes 0P–3X. Do note that it is final sale.

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

      • AFT

        FWIW, MMLF has been retiring even popular dresses (unclear why) – so while I would usually agree, some of their core dresses that people rave about are in the final sale bin right now.
        I have one of these and it’s a nice “uniform” dress – very simple, good for work, nicely fitted. Definitely a work (and workhorse) dress so not terribly exciting.

          • Anonymous

            MMLF seems to have lost its way recently. They discontinued the tailored, classic styles they started with and have shifted towards weird loose floppy styles that look cheap. Then during the pandemic they started selling hoodies and trying to convince people that their polyester dress pants were pajamas. I haven’t bought anything from MMLF in four or five years and expect it to go under soon. I guess I’d better replace my jardigan while I still can.

    • Anonymous

      I have this dress and absolutely love it, but I’m wondering if I have an older style. I feel like mine has more of a straight skirt. In before times it was one of my go-tos when I had speak somewhere tech (where I wasn’t sure how formal or informal) or if I was attending a conference somewhere really warm.

    • Anon

      I think this is a similar cut to the Hailee dress, which is my favorite dress in my closet.

    • Anonymous

      I love this dress. I wear a +2 and I always found it very stylish and pulled together.

  2. Shanananana

    So, it turns out wearing nothing but clog slippers, birkenstocks and an old pair of vans for a year leaves your feet unprepared for the reality of other shoes. everything is tight or causing blisters and its making me seriously rethink my plan to maintain this actually get dressed and look like a professional every day plan.

    • anon

      Pretty sure it’s time to embrace wearing more comfortable shoes to work and find better options than heels or pointy toed shoes. 2020 taught us you can be a professional in PJs. Why is footwear an exception to this? Foot health is important.

      • anon

        But to her point, most of the shoes deemed “professional” do not have great support. I’m not going to wear my Brooks running shoes with my work trousers, so where does that leave us? I shop the so-called comfort brands for work, and still, they do not compare to my casual shoes.

      • Shanananana

        I should clarify, I’m not even going that far. My feet are currently angry at loafers lol

        • anon in Brooklyn

          I have the Madewell loafers and find them very uncomfortable. Narrow and very stiff, and I have narrow feet.

    • Anon

      I literally had a dream last night about going back into the office and my feet hurting in pointy toed pumps.

    • Anon

      I always wonder why there are not more comfort shoes that are attractive. Even taking regular shoes and widening the forefoot a little or adding a little arch support would be enough for me to pay serious $$$. Occasionally Dansko has a few pairs of loafers or oxfords that aren’t too ugly, so I’ve given up and wear them, but I’d prefer something in between.

      • Anonymous

        I have a pair of corso como pumps I got YEARS ago that have arch support and a wider toe box. I was sad I only got them in coral. I just flipped through their selection at Nordstrom; maybe they still have wider toe boxes but it doesn’t look like they have much arch support.

      • Anon

        Check out Sarah Flint shoes, that’s the business model. They’re expensive but comfortable. Or, I should qualify, they were in before times and I think I’m going to share OP’s pain!

    • MagicUnicorn

      Same here. After a year of Wicked Good slippers, barefoot, or sneakers, my formerly comfortable work loafers tore up my feet the one time I wore them last month. While I don’t think I can pull off neon stability running shoes with a pencil skirt quite yet, I am definitely not going back to uncomfortable shoes.

    • Ribena

      Me too – I think it’s honestly that my feet have gotten soft over the last year as I’ve gone from half marathon training and 8-10,000 incidental steps to 4-5,000 most days and having spinning as my main form of exercise.
      I’m trying to walk more at weekends to harden my feet back up a little – I noticed that a pair of boots I wore to walk about 50 kilometres in a few days on a weekend away at the end of 2019 gave me a blister a couple of weeks ago, which makes me pretty certain it’s my feet that are the issue!

      • Anon

        My issue is the opposite: I have done so much hiking this year that my calluses have calluses. Will all this armor skin fit into any “office” shoes?

    • aBr

      Consider buying new shoes. Your tolerance for shoes that were probably slightly too small, but cute, is probably gone. You are also probably missing the callouses for the spots that the slightly too small shoes rubbed against. Consigned, someone who purged a ton of shoes upon realizing a year later the shoes never fit to begin with.

    • Anon

      I realize this is a potentially heretical position but I think your shoes should be comfortable the minute you put them on. If they’re not, they don’t fit.

      • Shanananana

        So, the issue I have is they are, and at the store they are fine. Then an hour into wearing them at my desk my feet feel strangled in them. Honestly its why I hate buying shoes. They will be comfortable the first hour of wear, then they either devour my heel and I end up with raw skin, or they just feel tight across the middle, when they didn’t earlier in the wear. I have bad feet to start with and show shopping is a case of oh which one of these will cause me the least pain. I’m just extra whiny today because I’ve gotten a bit of a break from it. The new vans I bought are also giving me heel issues, because of course they are.

    • MissK

      I experienced this last fall when I put on some more formal shoes when going out. I’ll probably attempt to ease slowly into wearing more structured shoes – living and walking around NYC, I was used to carrying/ storing in the office an extra pair and changing throughout the day even before the pandemic. I also love my shoes and miss dressing up.

    • Jeffiner

      In the Before Times, a senior manager at my company wore plain black sneakers with her dress pants or dresses. I thought she looked awesome and kick a$$, and I can’t recall anyone ever talking about her choice of footwear. Turns out she had a torn Achilles and had to wear the shoes. She was self-conscious about it and kept a pair of flats in her office for really important meetings. We really need to normalize comfortable shoes.

    • Anon

      I have only dared to wear my Rothys on the few occasions I’ve been out of the house. And I wore them before for business travel and speaking engagements. Not supportive, but they don’t pinch or cause blisters! I’m tall, and heels have always been a mixed bag at my size 10.

    • Anon

      I actually took a painkiller the first day I wore shoes – very comfy (usually) boat shoes. Since the first week back in office was voluntary, people were pretty casual and I wore heels in first half and flat leather sandals in second half. Ecco pumps – smaller heels for first two days and bigger heel (next two days). These are the most comfortable pumps I have worn and I could only wear them for a few hours to begin with (with pain killer again the first day). It helped that the team head had injured his leg and was wearing Men’s sandals as well (pretty common for Men outside the office due to heat and humidity where I live). So I guess the tips are – train your feet at home for a week – afew hours at a time, take pain killers if needed, graduate to higher heels slowly, and find the most comfortable formal shoes you can.

  3. Anon

    I need a wardrobe refresh for spring & summer. My closet seems to be all work clothes or really casual (leggings and workout tees). I want something that is comfortable enough to wear outside with the kids but polished enough to go out in public. So, what are your weekend go-to outfits in spring and summer?

    • anon

      I rotate between: striped or graphic t-shirt and jeans, tank and jeans, tank or t-shirt + jean shorts, and if I’m feeling REAL fancy, a cotton/linen tunic or button-down.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I picked up a couple t-shirt dresses. Might still be more casual than you’re looking.
      Otherwise I’m in shorts and tanks almost all summer. I have a couple lightweight jumpsuits I’ll wear to baby/bridal showers (pre- and post-covid).

    • Anon

      following with interest. and where i live (Houston) it is very hot and humid and i can never figure out what to wear

    • AIMS

      I really like the casual-ish cotton button-down shirts from JCrew and Gap/ON & will wear them with jeans. The collar makes me feel like I made an effort but I size up and roll up the sleeves so the overall vibe is very comfy and casual. I add bigger earrings than I would normally wear for work if I want to dress it up a bit for dinner outside or something like that. I don’t personally wear shorts but I think it’s a really cute look with shorts too.

      And when it gets really hot, I more or less live in dresses. My current go tos are all loose and long and I tend to wear them with sandals or white tennis shoes.

    • Clementine

      Some of my go to outfits are Athleta/Lululemon skorts with simple tanks. I actually often just do black and black – it gives me kind of a tennis instructor vibe, but is comfy and looks decent in public. I also swear by the JCrew 4 inch chino shorts. They’re the perfect length and I have them in multiple colors. Paired with a funky tank (i have a few from JCrew Outlet that I seem to gravitate towards) and it’s an updated camp counselor look.

      I also am on team t-shirt dress – I put a pair of short length bike shorts underneath because Children but the look of a simple t-shirt dress (I have one from Loft I like) and birks is very nice.

    • Jeffiner

      I love knit dresses from Boden, Lands’ End, or LL Bean with low profile tennis shoes in the summer.

      • NY CPA

        LLBean tee shirt dress + Keds was my go-to look last summer. SO comfortable but looks more polished than shorts or jeans.

    • anne-on

      Colorful fun shorts (talbots, boden, and jcrew) paired with boatneck t-shirts for my ‘just running errands’ days (weekends). I also have a LOT of ‘nicer’ cotton blouses than I will wear on work zoom calls and for slightly dressier play dates/outdoor mom meet ups. I snapped up the “Puff-sleeve cotton poplin top” at Jcrew in gingham, a liberty print, and ‘rose vines’ – size down. Last season Jcrew had a square neck button front top that I bought in 4 separate colors and prints that also worked well for those purposes – looked nice on zoom but totally washable.
      I also will stalk and buy multiples of nicer cotton dresses with sleeves OR wide straps that I can wear for work and on the weekends (we’re a all video all the time type of firm, so for better or for worse my ‘at home’ clothes still need to be somewhat presentable.

    • No Face

      Also team t-shirt dress (and shorts for running around with kids) and Birkenstocks. Shirt dress with buttons and nicer sandals for a more polished look, like when I eventually meet up with friends at restaurants again. Very comfortable and cute. I am also going to buy myself a bunch of statement earrings.

    • anon

      OK, so what are everyone’s favorite t-shirt dresses? I have yet to find one that doesn’t look like an oversized sack. Anything with SOME shape through the middle would be helpful; it’s the straight line that doesn’t work for me!

    • The original Scarlett

      Hi, been away for a bit but popping on to say I’m team maxi dress for summer. I get a ton at JCrew, I also like the India collection at Emerson Fry and for a much more polished (not the park but say dinner) look, Sue Sartor kaftans.

    • Anonymous

      I started to get deliveries from StitchFix because I had the same need and no bandwidth/desire to shop. I’m wearing jeans and long sleeve striped shirts or sweatery things, plus a top layer (denim jacket, “fancy” sweatshirt, way cooler looking than this but idk what else you call it- windbreaker type layer jacket). On my feet I have rothys, toms, or keds.

    • Anon

      I wear some combination of:
      Straight leg jeans with stretch
      Knee length skirt with a straight cut
      Tank top or tee or floaty top
      Jacket or cardigan or big shirt worn as jacket
      On the hottest days, a loose linen boxy top
      Either sneakers or Birkenstocks

      Very often, a hat

    • Anonymous

      Ankle pants and a popover shirt – usually 3/4 sleeves in cotton in some kind of geometric print. I love Talbots for both of these, although I haven’t bought anything new this year.

  4. Anon

    Quick poll: when someone says your name repeatedly while arguing, annoying or nbd? “As I said, Sue…” or “Sue – that’s not what I meant” for every point. My friend is doing this to me and I’m finding it insanely irritating but maybe I need to chill?

    • Anonymous

      It’s insanely annoying and she knows it. I do not engage with friends like this.

    • Anon

      As someone who almost never uses people’s names in conversation, when other people do it to me, it always feels like some sort of sales technique they’re deliberately using to manipulate me. So in general, I don’t like it, but I don’t know if I’d find them doing it in an argument worse than in another situation.

    • Anon

      I think tone really matters here, because how your name is being said could be why it is coming off condescending or maybe snide in some way. Either way, if they keep repeating it and you are the only two in the conversation, I could see how that could be annoying and grating.

    • Vicky Austin

      Team irritating (and condescending). I say people’s names in arguments sometimes, but usually, like, once.

      • Anonymous

        Same. I also dislike it when people start e-mails with “Sue,” Somehow the comma without a salutation makes it aggressive, whereas “Sue-” is a friendly quick note and “Dear Sue,”/”Dear Sue:” is formal and businesslike.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          A terrible old boss did that to me only when she was pissed so now I just associate it with someone being pissed off at me even if I’m pretty sure they aren’t.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I feel like it’s some kind of negotiating or debating tactic from a real bro-y self help book. And it would put my hackles up for sure.

    • Anonymous

      I deal with this issue with clients when I’m prepping them to testify. I guess it’s a businessperson/salesperson thing? Make a personal connection by using someone’s name? And when they get nervous they do it even more. It does not come across well. It either sounds like a parent/teacher talking down to an errant child, or a used car salesman trying to sell you something you def don’t want. This is such a common problem I’ve actually stopped referring to opposing counsel by their first name when I talk to clients; I don’t want my client to remember their first name or else they might call them by their first name at trial.

      I also have an older male opposing counsel who does this to me a lot. He gives “compliments” that are really dismissive, like “yes we know you’re really smart [name]” or “[name], I fully expect you to end up on the bench some day, but [name], in my experience, we do things this way for now.” Fwiw I’m no spring chicken, I’m a partner and have been litigating in the same court for over 10 years.

    • AnonATL

      I’ll admit I do this when I’m arguing with my husband. It annoys him too and I am trying to get better about it because it is super patronizing. I hear myself say it once and then I have to consciously stop myself the rest of the argument.
      It’s a habit I picked up years ago working too frequently with a bro-y MBA sales executive.

    • Anon

      I guess the argument thing is a difference but I actively try to say people’s name when I am speaking with them. I appreciate when people say mine. In meetings I’ll do this a lot to bring people in to the conversation (and to give them a heads up that I’m about to ask them a question in front of everyone). Now I’m wondering if in difficult meetings or those on unresolved topics it is getting interpreted the wrong way.

      • Cat

        I find the name thing works best if done softly. Like, rather than saying “Cat, your view?” (which personally makes me a little jumpy as if I’m being cold-called in class), saying “Cat’s been working on this and I’d appreciate her input” while turning and looking my way. The extra words give me just enough time to collect myself.

        • Anonymous

          Both of these scenarios are fine because the speaker is soliciting your input in a group conversation. She has to use your name so people know whom she is addressing. Not at all the same as using your name in the course of ordinary conversation or an argument.

          • Cat

            Oh I totally agree (and commented the same below). Here I was specifically responding to 9:49’s tangent-question.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        I think the difference here is that you’re with a group of people and it might not be clear who you’re addressing. It’s a whole different feel when you’re either in a one-on-one conversation or it’s otherwise very clear you’re speaking to a specific person.

        My husband used to use the name of people who wear name badges at their jobs or on customer service lines (“okay Jim, thank you, when will you be sending a technician over?”). When I commented that I found that really annoying and patronizing (and I did various retail and a summer customer service job in college), he thought *I* was the weirdo. He then walked it back when we chatted about it in a group of friends and everyone else said unequivocally that they found it annoying, too. I feel the same way about someone using your name repeatedly in an argument or other social setting when it’s already clear I’m the audience.

        • Vicky Austin

          Oh my, I never realized the customer service line thing could be weird. I try to thank people by name at the end of the call just to be nice. Is that too much?

          • CountC

            See I really liked it. I was treated so often as a lower class citizen when working retail, hospitality, etc., that I liked when people cared enough to remember my name. So I really don’t think this is a one size fits all solution outside of an argument.

          • Anonymous

            When I worked retail, every customer who used my name was trying to assert power over me for one reason or another.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          My aunt does it when we’re at restaurants and it’s very performative and comes off as super condescending especially since she’s really picky and special orders everything.

    • Curious

      This is probably not the case here, but just in general — there are some Indian languages where this is super respectful, so my friends whose native languages are Marathi or Tamil do it a lot. I’ve come to see it as beautiful and friendly. Just something to be aware of if you ever work in tech I guess :).

    • Cat

      Irritating and patronizing. When someone calls you by name in an argument, I see the message as “wake up and get ahold of yourself you are being irrational.” As if they’re trying to get you out of your coma of idiocy.

    • anonymous

      It’s excruciatingly annoying when someone is also being rude or condescending to you. I had a psychopathic boss who used to do this, verbally and in writing, when he was berating subordinates. It sounds like your parents lecturing you and trying to send you to your room. Patronizing AF.

      I know someone else who does this and it still makes me cringe a bit but she’s being kind so it’s not as awful. It’s just a verbal habit for her.

      • Anonymous

        I actually say things like “as I said earlier” when I need to fire back at an aggressive man.

    • amberwitch

      That verbal tick/tool piss me of no end – I’ve even known people using it in emails and it seems so contrieved and manipulative. I hate it. It feels boundary crossing and over familiar.
      If someone did it in a heated discussion or argument I would take it very badly.

    • ToS

      I sometimes give this space when people may use names for clarity when there would otherwise be confusion with many people of the same pronoun. I also have an outrageous number of Michaels in my life so sometimes last names come up, or their role M-spouse, M-brother, M-team member, M-work neighbor…. Cathy is a similar slog for disambiguation. In my friend circle there are two of us with my first name, so we jokingly have mentioned that our other name is The Other Uncommon-but-familiar-longer-first-name

      Could they be working on their own focus or trying to manage your attentiveness?
      Agreed, if it’s purposeless, it can be annoying, could you circle back and ask about the frequent name-dropping?

    • Senior Attorney

      I would just start doing it back. “Jane, you are misconstruing my point.” “Jane, as I was JUST SAYING…”

  5. Anon

    I am really happy for all of my friends who are having success with their weight loss surgeries or new vegan diets that have resulted in happy families cheerfully eating macaroni & “cheese” and tons of weight loss and how they all feel terrific and don’t they look great. I know these folks from childhood and know that they were truly miserable and often in pain trying to move around and keep up with their young kids. I know that they will have longer lives and probably happier lives now that they are able to do fun things like hike and kayak that were previously not possible.

    I just need to vent here because I am heading in the opposite direction (combination of years of surgeries + recoveries, steroids, etc.), and the slippery slope I’m on has gotten steeper in the past year. I am trying to just let things revert to normal over time (they became out of whack over the past 2 years, so fixing them may take that long). I am really not trying to give myself a complex over having a closet full of clothes in three sizes (possibly onto a 4th size) and food / eating issues, but I am having to spend $ now on back-to-the-office capsule wardrobe clothes and feeling unhealthy and I feel really alone and like “all the other kids have fixed their issues, why haven’t you?”

    The internet is truly a highlight reel.

    • Anonymous

      The internet is a highlight reel. I’ve kept a scary illness hidden for the last year on it. I saw a statistic last night that 40% of Americans gained over 20 pounds in the past year. I can’t verify that, but wow.

      • Anon

        I believe it. If I don’t make an effort, I won’t get more than 2000 steps in a day. We’re working remotely but my office has decided this means no one has a home life. With zoom calls all day that frequently run long, I don’t even get up and move around between meetings like I would have in the office. My walk to the bathroom is shorter and I don’t leave the house for lunch. I’m also working much longer hours, which makes me exhausted by the time evening rolls around. This is like sloth levels of activity – I’d basically have to starve to avoid gaining weight in this scenario.

        I’m now actively blocking my calendar for an hour each day and declining meetings that are scheduled over it, just so I have time for a two mile walk to add some movement to my day. It’s not enough, but it’s a start.

        • anne-on

          This. I have taken to blocking time to walk my dog (~mile) at least once a day. My step count is still crazy low otherwise. I’ll also plug the Obe fitness app – I LOVE that they have 10 minute classes. I can almost always squeeze in a 10 minute barre or arms workout (you can sort by no equipment needed) and some days that’s about the only exercise I get – dog and 10 minute workout. I am SO over the ‘we’re all at home, so let’s work 7-10 because what else do you have to do?!?’.

        • Anon

          Back-to-back Zoom calls are a nightmare that needs to end. In my job and my partner’s, a culture has developed where people actively try to fill the time until the end of the hour. I am pretty sure my risk of thrombosis has gone up on days when multiple meetings began <60 seconds after another meeting ended. (Yes, sometimes I have the seniority to absent myself, but it's not always great to be ducking out.)

      • anon

        I believe it. Despite keeping up with my 5x a week exercise routine, I’ve put on at least 10. WFH has not been great from that standpoint. Turns out all those steps between my office and the car and other short errands really did add up and made a difference.

        • Anon

          This is what I’m shocked about. How much exercise I was actually getting huffing it around my old sprawling workplace. My feet are so much better now but my body has forgotten how to walk that far.

      • anon for this

        I believe it. I had lost 15 lbs leading into Covid, and I managed to keep it off until November. Since then, it’s all come back and then some. I feel so frustrated with myself, and at the same time trying to give myself grace. I have had zero of my normal exercise outlets and found comfort in food over the holidays, which were difficult for me. My Peloton arrived last month and I’ve been working out daily, but still haven’t quite been able to tackle the food side in a satisfying way.

        • Anon

          Same here. I lost 35 lbs last year pre/during-COVID through November and have put back on more than 25 lbs of it. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I just bought myself a fitbit because the amount I was moving was shockingly low. I’ve now set myself a step goal of 5K steps every day, 10K twice a week. I’ve found a spot to walk to that is just under 2500 steps from my apartment building so I walk there and back every day, rain or shine.

      • anon

        I don’t understand why Americans gained weight during the pandemic. Working from home gave me so much extra time not spent commuting. I got more exercise while WFH (running and YouTube videos mostly) than I have since college.

        • anon

          Do you think that your experience is the same as everyone elses? Do you truly lack imagination such that you cannot even speculate why some people might have gained weight?

        • Aunt Jamesina

          In normal times, I have a job that has me on my feet and moving around our fairly large building at least 50% of the day, but now I’m on a chair all day long in front of a screen. Even with good exercise, that’s a lot to make up for.

          • anon

            Exactly. I posted the same thing above. I have been running the whole time. Still have gained weight.

        • Cc

          Some people got extra time, but some lost a lot of time. I’m working 12-15 hour days and some days more than that, consistently, and a huge chunk of that is meetings. I barely have time to eat or go to the bathroom even tho it’s steps away, and now instead of at least walking between meetings I just roll into the next zoom. I am in a very similar boat to anon at the 10:16. I don’t know why you would assume your work is the same as every other workplace? Some people got more time, like you, but many of us lost time and flexibility dramatically. And I don’t have kids – can’t imagine adding that on top of it.

          • Anon

            +1 – I am on Zoom video calls virtually all day, which means I can’t even pace around during the calls, and work late into the night. If I don’t actively force myself to go out for a walk, I have no need to leave my apartment more than once or twice a week. When I was commuting to work in person, I had to walk to the bus stop (or sometimes walked all the way to work if it was a nice day), walk to the office from where the bus dropped me off, go down the block to grab lunch, walk to the other side of the floor to use the bathroom, repeat journey home, maybe stop and pick up some dinner and walk home from there. All that walking adds up, it turns out.

        • Anonymous

          I understand why some have gained weight, but I’m in the same boat as you. Cutting out the commute gave me SOOO much more time to exercise. I’ve had to cut out my favorite hobbies since I’m high-risk, but I adapted and have found other things to try. Can’t wait to get back to the good stuff though.

        • anonshmanon

          in addition to what everyone else has mentioned, this last year has also been incredibly stressful on many people, whether it’s childcare struggles, job loss, political and racial turmoil, losing loved ones, worrying about a virus that still isn’t fully understood and different institutions provide conflicting information about, on top of all the personal issues that people go through in a normal year. I completely understand why Americans might have gained weight.

        • Anon

          I had a biking commute so while I still work out as much as I used to, I’m not working out AND biking

        • Anonymous

          You definitely don’t have children, or have experienced the loss of the support systems that were built up over years of work to support a two parent working family.

    • Anon

      I lost 30 pounds over the past year, which is obvious on my 5’0″ frame. I also fell during an ice storm and seriously screwed up my back, causing sciatica and possibly other damage. I’m still waiting on the chance to schedule a non-emergency MRI. I’m terrified of what they will find. I lose feeling in my feet all the time.

      You can only see the weight loss.

    • VeryAnon

      Sending you hugs. I’ve lost 100 pounds twice in my adult life and am looking down the barrel of having to do that all over again. It’s demoralizing, embarrassing, expensive (literally all the sizes) and surrounded in shame for me. I’m sorry I don’t have a solution but you are not alone.

    • No Problem

      I know the feeling. For me, my weight gain was steady for several years until a health issue kicked in and I gained 20+ lbs in about a year while I was getting the meds dose right. I’ve now lost about 5 lbs of that (over a year later), and the slog it will take me to lose the rest – to say nothing of the gradual gain I had experienced prior to that – is just daunting.

      FWIW, I think a LOT of people have gained the Covid 15 (or more). So even though your weight gain is from a different cause, you are definitely not alone in having 3-4 sizes of too-small clothes in your closet. And also, I don’t know your age but if you’re anywhere past 30, you’re at exactly the age when people’s new issues are cropping up. So maybe some people have resolved some issues that plagued them earlier in life, but you are just on the leading edge of new health situations that are going to become more common.

    • Nesprin

      Being in shape is work, and currently my family (someone’s been hospitalized every month since … last august maybe?)+ my job (am so grateful that crappy coworker is quitting friday) are taking all my bandwidth.

      Am so confused that the internet keeps telling me “self care” is the cure to what ails me- if I had time for a pedicure, I’d be in a different spot.

  6. anon

    Does anyone have the Talbots sweater blazer? Curious if it looks good in person (i.e., not frumpy).

    • Anon

      I have two and I like the older (2018?) one better because it does’t have the puffed sleeves of the 2019 version. I like that it has pockets.

    • Anonymous

      I much prefer their knit blazer. Super comfy and the ones I’ve had did not wrinkle and looked polished. Also have had a couple in beautiful colours. I have short arms for my size and could never get the knit ones to fit right. I don’t like turning up the sleeves and couldn’t tailor them.

  7. Crossroads

    Looking for any advice/ guidance on being at a career crossroads. For context, I’m a 40 year old insurance defense attorney in an area of practice unique to my state. I’ve been at my company 10 years. I genuinely always liked my job and was considered good at it. Got decent reviews, good pay, left at five, etc. My personal finances are on track to allow for retirement in another 15 years, and I always thought I’d stick with my job unless something drastic happened and then I’d probably work for a competitor (I have decent contacts with former colleagues who have left for other companies.) We’ve recently gotten confirmation that the bulk of my job ( appearing at hearings) is staying remote forever. Without getting into a debate as to whether or not remote work benefits people generally, I really dislike my job now. I can’t imagine talking into the computer for another year, let alone the next 15. I’m generally happy with the rest of my life, but I’ve been dreading work to the point where I’m wondering if seeking out medication to help with depression is worth it. It seems like the thing I’m hating is an industry wide shift so I’m kind of lost here. I keep going back and forth between “you have no alternative” and “your job shouldn’t make you this miserable.” I think the right answer is to plan a thoughtful career change while holding on but leaning out, but I’m lost as to where to start. Any advice welcome. Thanks for listening.

    • No Face

      I was fine with virtual court because of the pandemic. No way would I do that forever. You were satisfied with your job when it was a certain way, and now that it has changed you no longer like your job. So start looking at all kinds of job postings to shift to another type of job! There’s no reason to start taking depression meds to force yourself into a job you don’t like for the next 15 years. If you have been doing insurance defense for that long, you have many transferable skills. Be thankful that you have a paycheck while you’re picking the next chapter of your career, and keep it moving.

      During my last job change, I searched “counsel,” “attorney” and “director” on indeed for legal and non-legal jobs. I ultimately chose to stick with what I know, but it was a useful exercise to decide what I wanted.

    • Anonymous

      could you do something like work for tech companies that help providers get paid? I’m not sure what kind of insurance defense you do, but I consult with companies like this and they often have a bunch of former insurance lawyers on staff. They don’t do medmal type stuff but rather work with the auto ins carrier to pay up the $500k hospital bill vs trying to get the health ins company to cover it.

    • anon

      I’d try to hold on and see if you hate working remotely this much when you have a vaccine and the world opens up a bit. I also don’t like working from home. But I get paid well and work reasonable hours and that combination shouldn’t be rare but it is. I’m thinking that I’m going to do some in person volunteer work, make more social plans, work out of a coffee shop sometimes once the pandemic improves. I’m thinking that may get me over the struggle of working from home. Because if you leave, you may then be in an office but working more hours, with unpleasant people. etc. Which is just a different set of problems. That being said, it never hurts to see what else is out there.

      • Anokha

        I would also wait and see how things look as they open up. I am possibly transferring to a remote position in the coming months, and was lamenting the loss of in-person interaction (extreme extrovert here). A friend who has been remote for 9 years pointed out that she was able to find alternate sources of socialization (eg strong community at her workout classes, which she is able to do because she has no commute anymore!)

      • Anon

        I agree with this. I also work in the insurance industry, as do most of my friends, and it has been a rough year for the industry. I’d wait and see if things improve. Very few of us have jobs we could see ourselves doing forever.

        Deciding whether you could do this last year forever is asking if you could live in a pandemic forever, which none of us would choose.

        • Crossroads

          I’m confident life generally will get better, but this shift is permanent and, like I said, it basically eliminates what I liked about my work. I’m kind of ambivalent about whether I talk to my computer in my house or in my office. I liked leaving for hearings and being kind of on my own for the day. The downtime of being in my car afterwards and travel counting as work. Being valued because I was willing to do it, and I was good at it. I guess I’m realizing how unique that was and it isn’t going to be easy to replicate in the legal industry. Maybe something involving sales calls might be comparable as far as lifestyle?

          • Anon

            Will other types of courts eventually open up for in-person hearings? If you have strong trial skills, perhaps it’s possible to switch to a different practice like small commercial litigation.

          • Anon

            Do you really think hearings are going to be remote forever? Or are you no longer doing the hearings?

            Do you do workers’ compensation by any chance? I might be extrapolating what you said to fit my own experience, but it always seemed like insurance defense in-house counsel was a job where you do interesting work day one, but then it’s the same work every day for the rest of your life. Kind of like being a dentist. The only career advancement I saw my colleagues in your field experience was taking on managing other defense attorneys.

            What about trying the plaintiff side for a while? It would give you good perspective if you want to come back to the defense side after a while.

          • Crossroads

            Ahh thanks so much. Yes, it’s not WC but very close (high volume, busy but easy once you get your groove) and yes, the hearings are remote forever, they have reorganized their calendars to reflect that, except in very rare circumstances (pro se situations where someone can not access technology.) I’m ruling out plaintiffs side because they are low paying jobs without benefits and I will need benefits going forward, plus they are all remote too.

      • The original Scarlett

        I also think it’s too soon to tell how we will really work. Best advice I’ve gotten and given is don’t make decisions based on temporary conditions.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Is the change one that means your role will definitely be done entirely remotely going forward, or does it allow for you to return to the office even if much of the work is done virtually? Not sure I am articulating this well, but for me there is a difference between 100% remote work with every interaction being virtual (my current norm, but with vaccines the end is in sight at last), and in-person at the office with a lot of appearances being done virtually (but just by being at the office, there would at least be incidental in-person interaction with other humans on a regular basis).

  8. JS

    I wanted to thank everyone for your comments on my post a few days ago asking for elder care advice for a grandparent – the county office on aging was amazing and got us exactly the info and plan we needed. Grandparent is not doing well but I feel much more confident. So thank you!

  9. No Problem

    Talk to me about home security systems. I just bought a house and would like to install one when I move in. I would need alerts/alarms for doors and ground floor windows being opened and/or broken. What is the real difference between a company like ADT that comes in and sets it all up for you, and Simpli Safe, where you set it up yourself?

    • Cat

      We did SimpliSafe because it is cost effective and was easy to set up ourselves. It’s only $15 a month for the basic monitoring, vs. the $40+ that some competitors would charge (cough, Comcast). You do have to pay upfront for the equipment but the savings on the monthly fee meant we broke even in about a year and a half.

    • Anon

      I’m terrible with technology and love Simpli Safe. It’s so so easy to set up and add, take away, or move sensors. I had ADT for probably 10 years before moving into an apartment with turn-of-the-century plaster walls you couldn’t drill into, so I switched to Simpli Safe at that time. I’ve kept it through another move to an indestructible midcentury house because it’s so easy and cheap. I’ve had 2 false alarms (one was a fire alarm and the other was a “break in” by my house sitter while I was out of town), and the response time was at least as good as ADT for both incidents. I am a paranoid person, so I got a “panic button” for my bedroom, which gives me an added sense of security.

      Simpli Safe often runs sales or you can find codes from various podcasts to get some amount off your initial purchase. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

      • pugsnbourbon

        We like SimpliSafe a lot. I think there are even more customization options now than there were a couple year ago when we bought in.

    • anon

      We have Vivint. They set up glass break sensors and and sensors on doors and windows for when they are opened. There is also a doorbell cam. They often have deals on installation, etc. We liked someone else doing the work and taking care of the monitoring service. We’ve had the service for 7 years now and have been happy with it.

    • Anotheranon

      +1 for SimpliSafe. Was recommended to me by a cousin who worked for 7 years as an ADT installer (residential and commercial), and said SimpliSafe had better functionality, was more cost effective. Very, very easy to set up. Only issue I’ve had was a malfunctioning temperature sensor. A new one arrived in two days after troubleshooting by the tech helpline. I have a “panic button” in my bedroom as well and appreciate the extra layer of security.

    • Anon

      Most of the cheaper solutions don’t offer window protection but instead rely on motion detectors, which can get set off by any number of things – ask me how I know. I prefer a true perimeter alarm, which I had to have professionally installed. In my case, that was by ADT. I used their service after instillation for a number of years but have since switched to a local monitoring service, which was able to use ADT’s setup but switched out the main panel.

    • Anon

      We have ADT, which was professionally installed, and have not had any issues with it.

  10. Anon

    It’s the first lovely, no-jacket day in my city and I found myself a bit embarrassed and shocked to see my reflection in store windows. I guess when I am dressing at home I am holding it in. My clothes fit but are tight with pandemic gain, I’m also much less fit than I was a year ago. How would you dress during this window? I feel like what I am choosing (pants belt blouse?) isn’t flattering my tummy

    • Curious

      Dresses and open front cardigans!

      Signed, moderately pregnant and mostly still just look thick around the middle.

    • Anonymous

      My advice? Never look at your reflection in a passing window or mirror. It’s often distorted, a bad angle, and it just messes with your head. Work on your fitness and habits if you want to, but don’t let a random city reflection into your head. My life has been much better since I stopped torturing myself like that.

      • anon

        Yes, good advice! I carry my weight on my belly. I prefer longer, looser tops that I wear with skinny jeans or leggings. I haven’t tucked in a shirt in years.

  11. andie

    Does anyone have recommendations for a psychiatrist in Brooklyn? Ideally focusing on depression and ADHD, and based in Park Slope / Downtown Brooklyn / etc

    • Anon

      Not sure if this would work for you, but I had a great experience with Mindful Mental Health — it’s like an urgent care clinic, but for psych, and they are doing everything remote by video now. They providers seem to be licensed psychiatric nurses who are supervised by MD-psychiatrists. I had a simple case of pandemic-related depression, saw a provider, discussed my symptoms and history and was put on an anti-depressant that I had successfully used in the past. I don’t know how they would do with a complicated situation, but for my needs it was perfect. I really like the provider I was paired with.

  12. Horse Crazy

    Vent – During a meeting with about 30 people on it, my boss (who was not in the meeting but normally would be) sent an email saying she is transitioning to a different role in the organization. It was pretty clear that everyone in the meeting knew this already, except for me. I am one of her two direct reports, and she apparently told the other report two days ago. Boss and I had been messaging back and forth all morning about a project, but she apparently didn’t feel the need to mention anything. 

    Also, the organization is made of two entities (we’ll call them A and B) – one contracts with the other, and Boss is moving from A to B – not uncommon, lots of people have gone back and forth. I work for B. The meeting I was on when the email came out consisted of mostly people from A. Lots of people from A started talking about how “oh, Boss is going to B, the incompetent entity!” “Nobody in B gets anything done!” “We always lose our good people to those lazy folks at B!” I am new and didn’t feel comfortable speaking up, but it certainly did not feel good to hear all these people (who I respected until yesterday) telling me how they really feel about B employees like me.

    I started this job 4 months ago and have been having mixed feelings about it the whole time, and yesterday really didn’t help my feelings about it. Ugh.

    • Cat

      Are you sure that wasn’t just good old-fashioned sh!t-talking?

      Boss’ lack of communication with you beforehand is bizarre, but I would continue observing the A B situation quietly to see if there is real disdain or just teasing. Maybe you’ll want to apply for a role at A eventually?

    • Aunt Jamesina

      She might not have shared it because you’re new (or a million other reasons that have nothing to do with you). Maybe those in the know were involved in the hiring process (or knew people who were), or have other connections that knew of her transition. Maybe only 2/30 people knew, but the others found out through the grapevine. Maybe people assumed you already knew, so they didn’t bring it up. It’s not personal.

      And I wouldn’t worry about others’ perception of B. Clearly if your boss is moving over there, she’s cool with it. I find there can be a lot of weird talk about rivals that might have a small basis in truth (or did at one time), but get blown completely out of proportion. I work in a small field, and when I left my last employer for a better position (at an organization I had already worked for, so I knew what I was walking into), a few people at the workplace I was leaving let me know that my new workplace was an absolute disaster and I would regret it (they didn’t know I had previously worked for this employer). Their perception was based off of one weird incident that happened over a decade ago and is semi-famous in our field. But it involved two people in a different department from mine, and really wasn’t reflective of the overall workplace.

      • No Problem

        Agreed that you should worry less about others’ perception of B. Through a company reorg, I’ve recently come to get to know the people in our B. Their reputation is not great – doing things far outside the norms of the rest of the company, expecting to be treated differently because their work is a little different, that kind of stuff – and while some of that is true, there is also so much good that is going on! The people are great and have some best practices that we can share around the rest of the org. There are definitely things where we need to course correct, but on the whole the way people talk about B is far worse than reality.

      • Horse Crazy

        Thank you for sharing that – I can definitely see how your scenario could apply here.

    • Anon

      I am so confused by this story. You currently work in B and your direct boss is moving from A to B? If they’re two separate entities now was your direct line supervisor in A?

      You’ve only been there a few months. It takes longer than that to get used to the culture of a place. It sounds like lots of people move back and forth between the two so now you know if you want to move to A you should start networking with those people.

      • Anon

        It does take a while to get used to a place but if you’re 4 months in and haven’t had good feelings about it yet, it might never be good.

      • Horse Crazy

        It’s complicated…yes, my supervisor was in A. I also have a supervisor in B.

  13. Anonymous

    I’m a 34DD and in a friend’s wedding. Most of my bridesmaid dress options have low or cutout backs (like down to the waist). I know that low-back br*s and br* converters exist but haven’t worn one…do they actually work for someone well-endowed? I want to be somewhat comfortable and will likely want to be active/helping out/dancing…is this possible?

    Basically, if it’s going to be an uncomfortable hassle I’ll choose a dress that has a normal back but that will likely be less flattering on me. 

    • anne-on

      What you want to look for is called a ‘low back long line bra’ – basically a modified corset. A dedicated bra shop will have them but I got mine at a larger Bloomingdales. I find them MUCH more comfortable to wear than a normal strapless bra as you are held in and up much better. My MOH (who is larger than you are) wears them for almost all of her ‘formal’ dresses (a lot of our friends all got married around the same time frame).

    • Anon

      I’m 34DDD and the best option I’ve found are balconettes – basically the strap goes around your waist and then there’s boning to hold up the cups. So the weight of your b*s rests on your hips. All other strapless ones tend to eventually ride down, esp when I’m active, and it ends up looking worse than if I’d done nothing.

    • Anon

      I’m a 36E and like (technical term ;) ) stick’ems. Easy, comfortable, cheap. Search amazon for “adhesive br@” and try a set out to see if you like them.

      • Emma

        Just a warning that I wore an adhesive bra to my summer wedding on a hot day and even a hint of sweat meant the bra fell off and it was awkward and annoying.

    • anon

      I’d buy the dress with a normal back. It’s a bridesmaids dress, so even the cuter ones aren’t going to look that great. Being a bridesmaid is an all day affair. It’s one thing to wear an uncomfortable dress for two hours. No way I’d wear some sort of corset all day.

      • Cat

        +1

        My tolerance for dresses I can’t wear with a regular bra — much less a regular strapless bra vs. complicated corsetry — has plummeted with age.

        • No Face

          Same. Finally found a bra that fits me perfectly. If clothing doesn’t work with that bra, then I’m not buying that clothing.

          • Monday

            Between this and the thread about shoes, I’m detecting a theme today and I love it.

        • cat socks

          Yep. I remember in college and my early 20s wearing clothes that I thought were cute and then struggling and feeling uncomfortable in a too-small strapless bra that I got from Target.

          I agree with the poster above about wanting to be comfortable throughout the day.

    • Shanananana

      In a wedding this fall for a friend and we are all near or over 40 and when we went dress shopping I told her that while I loved her enough to wear a strapless bra all day for her, I would love her even more if I could wear a real bra all day. I am a 36E and while all those solutions work, I am always happier in a real bra if given the choice. (bridesmaid dress ended up real bra friendly)

    • Anonymous

      Get a dress where you can wear I real bra, is my vote.

      I have tried all sort of specialty bras for party dresses – strapless, multiway, long-line etc. None of them work well, because they give you a different shape. In my experience they flatten and squish out (towards the armpits) for larger cup sizes.

      My best party dress bras are the Gossard plunge bras. I prefer the superboost shape (while I don’t need padding, this bra brings the bust both forward and up, rounded shape). They are very minimal and low cut, with only one cm thick band at the back, which works out well with a lot of dresses.

    • palegirlsnorkeling

      This is late but I hope you’ll still see it – get a bra built into your dress. When I was a bridesmaid I had this exact same concern and they had a tailoring option that added cups to the dress. It was a nice amount of support and comfy all day.

  14. Shopping day

    Vicarious shopping request!

    I’ve been asked to record a video for an upcoming virtual event my company is presenting. The video will be in an informal setting – standing outdoors next to a car talking to an interviewer. Normally I would default to a suit but I think that’s too formal in this case. (Tech industry). Most of my other business casual clothes aren’t geared for camera (prints etc) or just don’t fit these days.

    Any recommendations on what I could buy to wear? Budget could be $200-300+ but less is better. Prefer something I could buy locally in a big American city.

    • Curious

      I’d wear perfect jeans with very nice shoes, a tee, and a blazer for this. Does that seem right for your part of tech?

      • Shopping day

        Possibly…but would probably depend on the blazer.

        If it was a man doing the video, the clothing would be jeans and a blue/white plaid short sleeve shirt, no jacket. Unfortunately there a vanishingly few women to refer to.

        • Anonymous

          In this case definitely go with jeans + interesting blazer that leans casual.

          Also I absolutely detest short-sleeved woven sport shirts on men. Such a sloppy, dated look.

        • No Face

          In that case, I would wear perfect jeans, a cool flat shoe, and a short sleeve shirt with some visual interest (cool neckline, puffed sleeves, etc). That would be my equivalent to the jeans and plaid shirt.

        • Anonymous

          What about a casual blazer? Like a knit blazer in a beautiful colour. I would wear a plain nice tshirt and a statement necklace.

          • Curious

            Yes statement necklace is a good add or alternative to blazer. My boss also pulls off well fitting moto jackets with regularity.

        • Curious

          Wow they wear short sleeves! That’s new to me. Ours would be the same but have long sleeves rolled to the elbow. But I guess Seattle is chilly.

    • anne-on

      I’d default to whatever you feel most comfortable in for your normal ‘big’ presentations and then step it down a notch in terms of formality. I wear dresses almost all of the time for external events so that would be my default, but I could see dark slim jeans, a polished blouse, and a less formal blazer with great hair/earrings being a fabulous look.
      For less formal blazers – the Jcrew going out blazer, a chanel style blazer, a pattern/plaid would all be great. Brooks Brothers has a ton on sale right now – couldn’t hurt to browse there. I also have a ton of their merino wool shells in solid colors and like them to wear under blazers (a crew neck works with almost anything).
      https://www.brooksbrothers.com/sale/women/jackets-blazers/0315,default,sc.html?start=0&sz=24&view=viewAll

    • AFT

      Solid color dress, with some design interest that isn’t a distraction? Even if the dress above wasn’t MMLF, I’d think of that company for this job. The styles that pop out to me on the website are Inez, Noel, Etsuko, Emily.
      sorry if this is too formal! Coming at it from a lawyer NOT working in Tech so i may be skewing in that directon.

    • Anon

      An unfussy dress in a cut that flatters you in a deep tone that is not black. Think what your local news weather person wears.

    • Curious

      Interesting. I’m not sure I’d wear a dress for tech. As much as it sucks, it tends to read Very Formal to the dude dominated industry.

      If you’re buying locally, maybe any dark jean that fits (maybe Madewell, Gap, or Nordstrom Rack paige?), a clean new Sam Edelman ballet flat, a top you like (Boden tees from Nordstrom perhaps?), with option for J Crew going out blazer (and ask the videographer whether to wear it)?

      • Anon

        Late reply but my sister is an industry leader in a niche tech space and gives talks all the time – currently by video, but at huge conferences too – and wears a solid color dress every time.

  15. Charlotte

    Can anyone here opine on what it’s like to live in Charlotte NC? Is it conservative and religious like I imagine the rest of the south to be? What are schools like?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t live there I only visit friends/family there but it’s hella conservative. People there think they’re progressive but it’s 15 years behind what progressive means in major cities. They generally frown upon anyone who doesn’t fit the mold: couples with 2.5 children, white picket fence, church going, SAHM types. Last time I was there someone was so excited to show me…falafel. While I love falafel and it’s certainly a staple in my hippy plant eating life, it’s not really the cutting edge of food.

    • Cat

      I have 5 acquaintances in the area (all late 30’s, college educated). Only one of the women has a full time job outside the home. One does MLM stuff from home, one works part time at an office (during school hours), and the other 2 went full on SAHM within a year or two after moving there. I get the sense that the pressure to be a Pinterest Mom is strong.

      • Anon

        Eh, maybe depending on age, but it’s still a MCOL city, so many people can choose to stay home (vs Bay Area where you can’t chose not to work) or stay home for a couple of years or work PT. I’d say it’s more a factor of housing cost than conservative mommy mindset.

        • Cat

          Oh I didn’t say it was because of a conservative mindset – I think 4 out of the 5 voted D – just that if you want to keep working, you might find yourself more isolated there than in other cities. (Like, lots of pictures of the moms out to brunch during preschool hours, or playing tennis or golf during school, or being the surprise mystery reader, or having lunch with their kid at school, etc.)

      • CountC

        On the flip side, the two women I know who live there in the late 30s/early 40s age bracket who never finished college both work in office jobs, so YMMV (one married with kids the other in a LT partnership no kids).

    • Anon

      OMG I would not call Charlotte “conservative and religious.” Half of NYC has moved here. There are a lot of churches, many of which are notably and loudly woke. We have a Pride parade with many corporate sponsors.

      • Anonymous

        Yup. My friend’s UMC church in Charlotte is far more progressive than any UMC church in my SEUS city.

      • Nesprin

        I do get a laugh out of the fact that you mention that Charlotte is not conservative and religious then mention that there are a lot of churches.

        • Anon

          It can be both, no? There are houses of worship of many faiths. What would you call UUs? Religious? Spiritual? Definitely not conservative. And it’s a racially diverse city — IMO there are more churches per capita in black neighborhoods, but is that a problem? Or just in other areas?

        • Anon

          Most big cities in the US also have tons of churches, some from faiths that are pretty conservative by creed (if not in actual practice). How is this remotely remarkable?

        • Anonymous

          I think Anon at 11:47 is trying to correct the conflation of “conservative” and “religious.” Not all religious people are fundamentalist fanatics.

    • Anon

      In law and a mom in CLT. Still working! Not planning to stop and devote myself to yoga/pinterest/etc. It’s a city large enough to have two top-tier pro sports teams, so you can find any mindset here. Tons of breweries, 2 hours to Asheville, very close to many awesome hikes if you are into that sort of thing (we are). Compared to NYC and DC, the public schools here are often useable (but in some zip codes, nearly everyone goes to private schools despite having the best local schools for free; it hurts that our schools have barely reopened, but we have been happy with the language immersion magnet schools available in the CLT school system), but sometimes not (in which case, you probably wouldn’t live there and would have magnet and charter options, all of which are free and pretty available; charters in NC are easy to start, so there are new ones all the time). TONS of transplants, most of whom are happy with the lower housing cost and much less of a commute.

    • Anon

      Native Charlottean here. I would not have called it “conservative and religious” in the ’80s and ’90s and it certainly isn’t now. Can’t speak to public schools since I’m not there any more – I figure they’re as mixed bag as everywhere else (affluent neighborhoods have good schools; poor neighborhoods don’t). There are three top notch private schools in Charlotte proper: Charlotte Latin, Charlotte Country Day, and Providence Day. There are other private schools in other outlying towns that are also good. My friends’ kids all go to private school or magnet schools for art or science.

      I really am the last person to ever get offended by things, but the disdain dripping off your post is awful. The south is not backwards nor is it populated entirely by zealots speaking in tongues and handling snakes nor is it populated exclusively by kl@nsmen or 7rump supporters or anything else awful you’ve imagined. Please, if you feel that way, just stay where you are with your own people; there are plenty of people who love North Carolina and all of its beauty, diversity, resources, history, and opportunities.

      • Anonymous

        Hmmm…I am a POC and know several POC in Charlotte, Chapel Hill, and other NC cities, who say it is still very much racist. (And I am originally from the South)

        • Anonymous

          It is very much still racist. When I was in NC in 2019 (pre-covid) I heard several white people use the N-word. In all my life living in the north east I have never experienced that before. I was shocked.

          • Anon

            People saying they have experienced racism in Charlotte is not an attack on you. You should believe them, rather than try to say you’ve never seen it so it doesn’t happen. Being so defensive is not a good look.

          • Anon

            But a one-off experience shouldn’t paint the entire city in one color. One poster visited once and one poster lived there almost two decades. There is a big difference in perspective there.

        • Anon

          If you are not content to live in CLT, write off everywhere else in the country then. Only go to places large enough to have 3 pro sports teams (and Portland, even though it is remarkably non-diverse in many ways), HCOL, and horrid traffic.

          • Anon

            I don’t understand your attitude. You’re replying to a POC saying she’s experienced racism and your response is to say to just deal with it or live in Portland? C’mon.

      • Anon

        i live in the South and as someone originally from the North, while there are plenty of Democrats who think Covid is real, the prevalence of Trump supporting covid deniers is definitely much grater than the areas where I grew up.

      • Dear+Summer

        FYI, the defensiveness and misplaced anger in this response is just the kind of annoying and pearl-clutching conservatism that I believe OP is looking to avoid.

    • Anon

      Ha, I used to live in Charlotte, but hated it and left! For me, it was more about the weather and horrendous allergies, but it’s also very bland and corporate feeling. I didn’t think it was excessively conservative or religious, but I didn’t meet a lot of people I really connected with. On the plus side, it’s very affordable and very diverse- I lived and worked with people of all races from all over the world (but this depends where you live- the wealthy part of town is very white and more republican). If you’re willing to drive, weekends in the mountains or the beach are pretty accessible (but in my current location both are just minutes from my house, which is way better). If you can handle the the heat, it’s not a horrible place to live.

    • Anon

      I live in NC, and Charlotte is too conservative and religious for me. But I’m not sure what you’re imagining. There are excellent schools, but I think they are pretty segregated especially along class lines. I would say that the answers you’re getting here (“we’re not too religious! our churches are very woke!” and “we’re not conservative! we’re Democrats!”) are spot on.

      • Anon

        I’m the poster above who left and I think what you’re getting at is what bothered me. It’s not necessarily super politically conservative, but conservative in the traditional values sense, even the people who weren’t religious. That’s fine, but it wasn’t really my thing, and I’m happy to be back in California (I met a lot of people there who thought CA was a weird scary place and couldn’t imagine even wanting to visit… and felt the need to tell me this when I said that’s where I was from).

        • Of Counsel

          May I ask what you mean by “traditional values sense”? I promise I am not being snarky; I am just curious as someone who has lived in both places.

          • Anonymous

            Here are the things friends and family in NC have found offensive about my life:
            – my degree
            – being a female bread winner
            – adopting my pets
            – being child free
            – not owning a car
            I kid you not, any deviation from norms is met with judgement. There’s also a lot of weird class assumptions too, they seem to credit all of the above to being ‘poor’ which I am not.

          • Anon

            Poster above just getting back to this. I mean things like being horrified by the prospect of even visiting California, because people are “weird” there. It was very oriented around buying a big suburban feeling home (which might still be in the city, because most of it was essentially suburban- the city keeps growing by annexing land that would be considered suburbs elsewhere). All the houses were in HOAs, and you were a bad person if you didn’t use pesticides and fertilizers and have a perfect lawn. Even in my fairly modest neighborhood (majority non-white, not in the wealthy part of town, but perfectly nice as far as I was concerned), lots of people had luxury cars. There just seemed a lot of emphasis on consumption and traditional, visible monetary measures of success and if that wasn’t your thing (I’m a pretty hard core environmentalist), you really stood out in a way that is quite different than when living in CA or the places I lived in the NE or midwest .

    • Former Southerner

      I am from NC and my brother lives in Charlotte. Compared to much of the rest of the south (including my tiny home town), it is not particularly religious or conservative. Compared to NYC, it is probably both. It is not a place where people are going to side-eye you for not going to church or mowing your lawn on Sunday but you definitely cannot take the sneering attitude toward religion common in some circles in other cities. There are racist people in Charlotte – but that is not a problem particular to the south (go look at the FBI’s hate crime statistics if you want proof of that; the states with the most hate crimes are California, New York, New Jersey, Washington and Texas and yes that is absolute numbers and not per capita but nobody comes here and asks about whether Washington is just too racist to live in.)

      Some of the schools are great. Some of them are terrible. Some women work; some are SAHM (it is not in the top 10 of cities with SAHMs, ). It is a big enough city that there are plenty of both. It has a lot of the advantages of a big city – sports, concerts, good food – but has a reasonable cost of living for a city and the traffic is not terrible (looking at you Atlanta and LA). It is close to a lot of really fun outdoor activities but the weather is not great, particularly if you hate humidity or have seasonal allergies. And it is a long way from a really big city but has a good airport.

      My brother and his family love it. And it is on the short list of cities I would be willing to live in the unlikely event I decided to go back to the South.

  16. Anon

    Hiring partners, please talk to me. I’m being laid off from my law firm. I haven’t had enough work/hours since the pandemic began. Will this be a red flag as I job search? I feel like there’s a stigma and that top performers are busy and have enough work.

    • non-partner on hiring committee

      I am so sorry to hear this. Do you want to stay in your same are? I would shoot updated resumes and cover letters to you firm’s peer firms. Do you have friends or classmates at these firms? If so, connect with them and tell them you are interested in a different opportunity. I would not mention being laid off. Don’t go through a recruiter for these–just get them out as soon as you can. If you don’t know anyone there, just apply to the recruiting manager. This will get you in the door sooner and firms are less likely to pay recruiter fees for local folks or folks who are good fits, but aren’t must haves/filling vacancies.

      Negotiate additional time on the website. This is super common and most firms are willing to give you this. I would ask for three to four months. Most people check the website to make sure you haven’t been let go. Your perception is not wrong, but you can mitigate those concerns by having a solid “why other firm” story (and it is okay to say for ex., our firm had paycuts due to COVID and part of my searching for a more stable opportunity is that I want to be somewhere long-term, etc.; we just hired a few folks with that same story) and staying on the website as long as you can/saving the firm money on the recruiter front.

      If you’re looking at a different market, I would consider a similar approach as well. Recruiters can be great and I am sure it’s market dependent, but in the SEUS, a lot of old-school partners assume that if you’re working with a recruiter, you’re more likely to be in a rush for reasons like having been fired, etc.

      • Kelsey

        I’m a law firm partner and I agree with all of this advice. If the current firm is willing to give you a severance of say, 8 weeks, then just ask if you can remain on their payroll and website for the next 8 weeks instead of taking the severance. Now – as in today – reach out to every single lawyer you know who works at any place where you would be willing to take a position, whether there’s an opening or not (in many cases, people take awhile to put up a job posting and you can get into a position that’s never even posted). Tell them you are looking for career advice and ask if they would be willing to chat with you for 15 minutes. I would schedule at least 2 of these a day if possible. Once you chat with them they will either reach out to their contacts or at least have their eyes and ears open for any job postings that they could forward to you. You will basically create a network of people who are job searching on your behalf. Look at Indeed.com and the Association of Corporate Counsel. Finally, and I know this is going to be controversial, but when I was in your position during the recession, I found that I just had to lower my standards and settle for a “no-name” firm for awhile and wait it out for a few years before lateraling again to a better firm. I hated it at the time, as I took a pay cut and felt like I was overqualified for the more junior level stuff I got, but looking back at that time, I realize I learned stuff too, I had good hours, and I’m not one who can wait patiently for months for the perfect job to come along (and it probably would not have if my unemployment stretched for months), so I should have had a better perspective that it was going to be a short setback that I can recover from. You can recover from this too – you got this. Don’t dwell on the past – look forward and show a lot of enthusiasm for new opportunities.

  17. Walnut

    This is the best day ever. Received my ‘No evidence of Disease’ news and remaining rounds of chemotherapy have been canceled. I left the hospital with tears running down my face.

  18. Anon

    How do you know how much stress at work is worth it?

    I work at a startup and it’s chaos every day. I’ve gotten positive feedback on my performance, but inside I feel like I’m failing, total imposter syndrome, and I’m always wondering how I even got this job. Many people use lingo related to an aspect of the business that I have zero background in, and it’s assumed that I would know it, so I often leave meetings feeling like I literally don’t speak the language.

    The pay, benefits, and people are all excellent. But the lack of structure and the dysfunction is draining and I find myself wondering how much money is enough to feel this way every day. I never wanted to coast at work and I enjoy being challenged, but this is on another level.

    Adding to this, it’s tech, and there is a distinct culture. Fortunately, my org is not bro-y. It is, however, male-dominated, and feels performatively woke, everyone is wearing expensive hoodies and optimizing what they cook and brewing beer… I can fit in on the surface, but I sometimes don’t feel like there is room for a person with my interests who isn’t so slick and “on” all the time.

    Curious to hear if there are others who work in startups who learned to love it, or if this is just how it feels and it never gets easier.

    • Anon

      There really is such a thing as fit and culture. It’s ok to have a job that’s good on paper but just isn’t a good fit personality-wise. (Have you ever dated that guy? Same thing.) I worked in a tech quasi-start-up (parent company had just acquired a start-up, and I was hired into the no-longer-a-start-up division) and I just could deal with the culture. I discovered that I really value structure and a steady environment with business norms. I like the spice in my work life to come from the substance of my work, not my work environment – and that’s a valuable distinction to learn about oneself. It’s a certain type of person who thrives in a start-up, and that’s not everyone, and that’s ok.

      • Anon

        Omg, this comment speaks to me. Different Anon (not trying to threadjack but this just hit home for me), I started a new job just weeks before the pandemic. I was fleeing a toxic and abusive work environment. The new job, on paper, should be perfect. Easy hours, great pay, everyone is nice. But I’m just not feeling it. Like nothing’s wrong, but it also just isn’t right? I’ve used the example about dating a guy a thousand times to describe how I feel – He’s nice and nothing’s wrong with him, but we just have no chemistry. I’ve been agonizing over what to do, and I think the answer is look for a new job, but I just started this one, and I just feel like I should be grateful. But I think I know, deep down, culture and fit matter and this just ain’t it.

    • Explorette

      I don’t think you learn to love it if you don’t already. There are people who thrive in this environment and people who don’t. I like the dating examples above. But another example is an introvert asking if they can learn to love always being around people non-stop. Uh, no. That’s just not how you are wired.

  19. Anon.

    So, if anyone asks how my morning is going:

    Preschooler decided to wake up at 5am. By the time they fell back asleep it was time for me to get up for a 7:30am call. Getting to my laptop at 7:15am and I realize I had the week wrong, and had indeed no such early call today. I guess at least I had more time to work this morning. Ugh.

    Send coffee, please!

  20. Anon

    Talk to me about your big law firms billable hours expectations. Our minimum is 1900 but market bonus requires 2100 hours. Is that normal? High?

    • Notinstafamous

      Big law but Canadian so unsure if helpful… 1700 billable & 200 NB is target and what gets you market bonus. Previous firm was 1850 but no NB. Neither firm factors in clients / revenue brought in by associates.

    • Anonymous

      2,100 seems high as a bonus threshold. Our bonus threshold is 1,900 but they tell us that 2,000 hours are expected in our practice group. In practice, if you bill over 1,900 and have good reviews, you’ll get your bonus, but probably are not going to make partner. I sense people gunning for partner are aiming to bill at least 2,100.

    • Cat

      2100 is high as a bonus threshold. 2000 is ‘market’ in my experience as that level. However the unspoken rule was that 2100+ meant you were well regarded and “busy.”

    • Anon

      1800 billable to stay in good standing; 2000 (including up to 200 pro bono, business development (capped at 50), and training hours(capped at 20ish)) for full bonus; partial bonuses may be awarded for hours between 1800 and 2000 but its discretionary

  21. Anon

    I’d like to give an old iPhone I got through Verizon (was also on their service) to my housecleaner. She has an android flip phone and I don’t know the details. Does anyone know what steps to take beyond restoring the factory settings so I can give it to her and she can get it working with her phone number, etc?

    • Anonymous

      Unlock phone, her SIM card are likely different if it’s going from a flip phone to a smart phone so she might need to get a new SIM. I don’t know the exact steps/compatibility of transferring contacts and photos between these two phones so that’d be good to find out too.

    • Anon

      Does she actively want the phone? It is pretty much as simple as resetting to factory settings and updating the iOS, then she can take it to her carrier. But if she’s not acting enthusiastic, she may not want it or may not end up using it.

  22. One of many anonforthis

    Could use your insight, in specific and then in general:

    I applied for a job, and was just sent two personality tests to take. BOLT and DISC. And was also asked to submit a photo of myself “so we have a picture with the file.”

    I am bothered by all of it, and wonder if you agree.

    Do you think these tests are the way of hiring, or should I say “screening,” and would you comply?

    • Anon

      definitely a different way of screening candidates. maybe they are very good on finding someone a good fit for the team? we did the DISC internally as part of some team building and the facilitator talked about how when hiring someone new we might want people to represent different areas of the DISC profile to balance our team out, yet we would never give someone DISC as part of hiring. Picture is a bit strange, but in this day and age, assuming you have a LinkedIn profile, people’s pics are all over the place. I think the whole thing is strange bc it is hard to be fully honest on something like BOLT or DISC when it’s part of an application. I’d probably comply and see where things went if I was interested in the opportunity

    • Anonymous

      I would respond with “I do not see how a photograph of myself is relevant to my qualifications. I am withdrawing my application.”

    • Anonymous

      Anything you are asked to do as an applicant is part of the screening/hiring process. I would not want to work at a company that asked applicants to take personality tests or provide photos. It signals a corporate culture where I would be miserable.

      We do incorporate a skills test into our hiring process for certain technical positions, but it was designed in-house to test actual job skills, happens late in the process, and is not dispositive.

    • Anon

      I would really dislike the personality test requirement and I would run screaming from the photo part. I can’t see of any reason how that could used in a non-discriminatory manner. Also, they keep a database of photos of all the people who have applied to jobs there? Creepy.

      I don’t think you can say any one experience means something is the wave of the future (even the NYT Style section takes three anecdotes to make a trend). There are still plenty of sane employers out there. Whether or not to comply depends on how much you want and need the job.

    • Cat

      I’ve heard that photos are more of a thing in other countries than in the US (where I agree that is bizarre). Where’s the job?

        • Aunt Jamesina

          I would run. That is super duper outside the norm in the US for any job that doesn’t involve, say, modeling. I would also let them know that I was withdrawing my application specifically because of this requirement.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            And! Personality tests are garbage and have little basis in fact. I would totally side-eye an employer using them, although they are relatively common.

    • amberwitch

      Different perspective:
      Most of the jobs I am being recruited for – leadership positions, tech, Scandi – incorporate more than one test – usually 1-3 aptitude tests (basically different wyas of testing for intelligence) and 1-2 personality tests. Most usually you only do the test after the first interview, when they know that it is worth spending resources on you as a candidate, but I’ve experienced one or two companies using it as a screening device.
      The photo is different, and I would balk at that.

    • EM84

      I have been running multiple recruitments and find it disrespectful to require extra effort from candidates (like tests – be it skills or personality) before we even got to first interview. First, I want to see if the person and company/team/role/me is a match and if there is and candidate confirms interest, then and only then I ask them to do a case study (tests etc). But I would never do this before first interview. If I were a candidate and was asked to do tests and send a pic, I would send the pic (normal in EU), would say no to tests now, but happy to do them at later stage. Also, their HR sounds terrible, so I would withdraw immediately.

    • Anonymous

      These personality tests are BS and any company that takes them seriously or uses them for anything beyond a half-day employee development seminar is not a place I would work.

  23. Anon

    I’ve posted before about my new-to-me dog. He’s a 5 year old rescue, a bulldog mix. Boy is he stubborn. It’s like having another toddler.

    How much does your dog sleep? I haven’t had a dog in a decade + so I’ve forgotten a lot. I look up his approximate breed and it says 12-14 hours a day but my dog seems to sleep a lot more than that. Last night we couldn’t get him to come out of his kennel for one last bathroom visit, so he was in there from 6PM until we tried to let him out at 7AM, and he stayed in there with the door open until 8:30AM. He doesn’t seem to be sick, just likes a snooze I guess.

    • Anon

      (I wasn’t totally clear there – in addition to his long night time stretches of sleep, he spends a lot of the day sleeping too. I’d characterize it as short bursts of activity followed by long naps. So way more than 12-14 hours a day in total.)

      • Anon

        That is pretty much my adult dogs’ lives. Wake up, bathroom, walk, breakfast, morning nap, mid morning nap, lunchtime stretch, afternoon nap, stretch, bathroom, walk or jog, evening nap, dinner, bed.

    • Anonymous

      My Golden Retriever mix has slept 16 hours a day since we adopted her at age 6. In the Before Times she slept 8 hours at night and 8 hours while our kid was at school. Now that we are all WFH she has FOMO and tries to stay up all day. She usually naps for about 4 hours during the day, then goes to bed at 6 p.m. and sleeps for 12 hours.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Our dog is 12 so probably not a good comp, but I swear she sleeps 20 hours a day.

    • Formerly Lilly

      I have two little dogs that sleep most of the time. Their typical day is: eat twice a day for a few minutes; tear around like miniature tornados for a couple of minutes 1-3 times per day; tour the yard for about five minutes daily; bark at UPS delivery person and the mailman for a minute when they come by; and sleep the rest of the time, either in their cat cave, under a blanket on the sofa, on my lap if I sit down, or under the covers at night. I try to get them to do more and they are not having it. I am spending my weekends in a city now so they are being force marched (eye roll) several times a day now to go out to do their business.

  24. Anon

    PLITK
    Some of your side bar ads play music (loud) even when the sound button within the ad window has a clear x in it (sound off). The ads are silent at first but then start playing music. I’ve reported them to mediavine but no changes. Today’s advertiser is LSEG, but there have been others. This is a recent issue, maybe the last couple of weeks.

    • Kat G

      Thank you for reading and for your patience — I am reporting them left and right. I’ll try to kick it up a notch with mediavine.

    • Pompom

      YES, same. This is getting old (not directed at you, Kat…but Mediavine and LSEG).

      • Vicky Austin

        This is also happening for me. Hilariously, the mute button on the ads themselves does not work.

  25. anon

    I’m moving to Houston. Should I consider living in Rice Military or the Heights? I’d really like to live around Montrose but trying to cast a wider net. I’m 30, married, with no plans for kids. I don’t go out much or anything but I don’t want to live in an area that feels all about being family friendly or feels too far away from things

    • Anon

      have you ever lived in Houston before? where are you coming from? I am not native to Houston and would 100% live in the Heights, if my job and kids’ school made the commute impossible. think about where you will be working and commute bc traffic here is bad

    • Beaglelover

      Moved from Houston last November. During my forty-plus years there, I lived in West U, Rice Military, Heights, Meyerland and Energy Corridor. You are on the right track with Rice and Heights, the demographic is young professionals with a hot foodie scene. Montrose is patchy (all of Houston is). You might also consider Galleria and environs, a little more upscale than Heights, although it is catching up fast. Do not go further west than Chimney Rock, it is all suburban and village family life. Downtown and Uptown Kirby are also good choices, but your better value is Heights. I hope you will love it there as much as I did!

    • Houston Anon

      I used to live in Rice Military and now live in Oak Forest, which is a mile north of the Heights. I’d definitely pick the Heights if you’re looking to stay within the loop, but if you’re open to being a mile outside of it, I can’t speak highly enough about Oak Forest. Very residential (but still close to restaurants and grocery stores), safe and walkable streets, lots of nearby parks to walk to and just a friendly and relatively diverse neighborhood.

  26. Anonanonanon2

    Low-stakes question.
    I want to be better about sending cards in my personal and professional life to commemorate others’ life and professional events. However, I hate errands and I always mean to run to the store for one and never do. I’m looking for a variety pack of greeting cards for things like new home, engagement, wedding, baby, birthday, thank you, congrats on retirement, etc. that I can keep on hand. Anyone have any recommendations they like?

    • Anonymous

      I get a pretty box of blank cards for this. I used to feel like the card had to say Happy BDay, I’ve let that feeling go away.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Trader Joe’s has pretty cards that are either 99 cents or 1.99 each for a variety of occasions. About twice a year, I buy a slew of cards for birthdays (I make a list of upcoming birthdays) and buy a couple of extra blank/baby/wedding/ sympathy cards, etc. and keep them on hand. I also always have a big pack of thank you cards on hand. It’s so much less annoying than having to run out last minute!

    • The Lone Ranger

      In before times I used to go to the local Hallmark and stock up 2 to 3 times a year, just buying an assortment of different cards and keeping them in an expanding folder by type. When the lock downs started was right around the time I was due to stock up, so my card supplies were low. I’m high risk, and didn’t want to spend the time in the card store, so I purchased 2 boxes of assorted cards off the Hallmark website. Both assortments were heavy on the birthday and light on the other occasions, all the cards were blank inside and there were a few generic cards in each selection. This has carried me through. As it turns out, I could have used more sympathy cards than provided. But the quality and the price was right and it made it easy to make sure I had cards available.

      • Anonanonanon2

        Thank you for mentioning sympathy cards, I’ve needed them several times this year yet forgot to account for those in this effort to stock up!

        • pugsnbourbon

          Any time I find a sympathy card that isn’t cloying and awful I buy as many as I can. And blank cards often work well for this.

    • Anon

      I keep pretty cards on hand that don’t have a pre-printed message. I like ones that feature art I like. I just write my own message. I tend to pick up a box or two any time I’m at a bookstore – it seems like they always have them.

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