Thursday’s TPS Report: Peplum Jacket In Houndstooth

316 Comments

1. Oh. My. Gosh. I have to have that. That is perhaps my favorite thing ever featured here. I’m obsessed.

   Now trying to get my mind to think about something besides how cute that is: Does anyone have any experience returning things from Milly that were final sale? I emailed the customer service people and haven’t heard back, so I’m just wondering if this is at all possible or if anyone has any tips.

   1. Aaaannnd it’s on its way to me.

      1. So pretty! I love the color.

      2. I’m super jelly. I am OBSESSED with this, but I don’t think it would work on me because I’m large of chest.

      3. Yay! :) It’s not my style, but I can see the right person absolutely rocking it.

         1. Why, oh why, is this styled with SHORTS???? Really, Asos, what.gives?

      4. Renewing my request for a “like” button, just for this comment.

         1. I frequent another blog/message board that has a “This!” button. It’s lovely.

            1. A “This!” button. That’s genius.

      5. Good for you! I am obsessed with peplums. I think they’re awesome for the long of waist — they shorten it, and with high-waisted pants / skirts, my legs look normal-sized. Not sure I adore the color, plus I’m supposed to be on shopping hiatus . . .

      6. I just ordered it too. Use code backtoschool for 20% off. Also, going through ebates gets you 3.5% back.

         1. I missed this, but I just emailed them to see if they would apply it retroactively. I hope they will because otherwise I can just order it again using the code and then use free returns for the first one.

            1. @Bonnie, thanks for the code :).
               @b23, I logged back on immediately and was able to just cancel online.

   2. Ive never ordered from ASOS, but I am in love. b23, if you dont mind sharing, can you tell me what size you ordered and what size you normally wear.

      1. Sure. I have never ordered from ASOS either, though, so it was sort of a guess. But I noticed they have free shipping and returns, so no big deal if it doesn’t work.

         I ordered a six. I usually would wear a four or six in jackets, but it says the model is wearing a four, and I thought I looked a little bigger than her. My only concern is the b–bs. We’ll see!

         1. So we will have to see if we Houstonians run into each other wearing this jacket. I echoed your sentiments as a newbie to ASOS…I wear either a 10 or 12 in jackets so I ordered the 12. I do have b-bs. Will report back.

         2. I did too; newbie to the company as well. Will see if we Houstonians debut it simultaneously or in the same areas. I wear a 10 or 12, so I got a 12. I have b-bs. Time will tell.

            1. That would be amazing; I would LOVE to run into you with us both wearing this jacket!!!

            2. Ok, make that 3 Houstonians in the jacket! See you styling ladies around!

            3. Oh wow…good for us. Would be a striking sighting. Will report back if it works for me. I’m not a JD, so it wouldn’t be happening’ downtown. :)

            4. This is another vote for some sort of visible – r e t t e item so we can recognize each other. Especially helpful in H-Town where we don’t really partake of public transportation.

      2. I think their items run a size small so ordered up a size. My post is in moderation but code backtoschool takes off 20 percent.

      3. According to the ASOS size chart, I’d need to order a full two sizes larger than I usually wear in jackets, which seems weird. Not sure it’s worth the hassle of potentially returning, although I think it’s REALLY cute.

   3. I Super love this so much. Expect to see me wearing this as soon as the temperature drops below 100!

   4. Also obsessed with this jacket (and peplums in general.)

      The color + pattern is so happy-making that I’m so very tempted!

   5. Love love love this jacket.

      1. OMG i love this so much. I’m trying to figure out if I can break my shopping ban for this because it is reasonably priced and lovely and I could see myself wearing this at work.

   6. I love love love this, but why oh why is it 70% viscose? If it were 70% wool, it would be on its way to me now. Fabric choices like this make me sad.

2. I love this!!!!!!!!!! May have to get, or wish list.

   I got the “grey seamed pencil skirt” at BR yesterday. It is very nice! But a squodge too short – it hits me right where it hits on the model, and I like it to hit lower – but with tights it will be better. And of course it doesn’t come in tall! Oh well.

   I also tried on the “belted wrap cardigan” in grey
   http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=51420&vid=1&pid=421539&scid=421539002
   and it was comfy but just did not work. Does anyone else have this problem? I felt like if I wrapped it as on the model then it just made me look fat – it kind of worked if I crossed the belt in back first and then tied it, with a space between the two sides of the cardigan in the front, but that is too much futzing with it for me. Is it bc my b**bs are huge right now, or what?

   1. Can you let out the hem of the skirt?

      1. I could, but it is the kind of stretch cotton blend that will leave a line on the fabric where the original seam is (I have done that in the past and regretted it). I am hoping I will lose some more weight (am almost 4 months postpartum now) and then it will sit lower anyway. ;)

   2. Absolutely nothing at BR works on me except t-shirts. It’s not a matter of too big or too small it’s just that the neck is too low or the arm-holes are too big or it pulls weirdly across my back. I think they just base their fittings on a very different model of human than me, and I have had to give up shopping there.

      1. I got a suit from BR, but I’ve never bought another thing there. Everything just fits WEIRD.

         1. Yes, I once got a jacket there that I like, and it lured me into thinking I could shop there, but I have never again successfully found anything that fits.

      2. So true. Some tops and cardigans fit me, but a lot of them are just sort of odd. And unflattering. And both too big and too small. I always end up rejecting 90% of what I try on there. (However, true confession, I’m actually wearing a BR t-shirt and cardigan today. Hmm.)

      3. Agreed. I have a number of items from there, but many things I try on are just wrong. A prime example is their button-down blouses. I’ve been trying for ages to get them to fit me, and they just don’t. Most recently I tried on the fitted variety in 2 petite, which is the same size I wear in AT and one size larger than a shirt I have from BB, but that one is a touch too tight in the shoulders. Well, the BR shirt was a good fit in the shoulders and torso (so the fitted fit was correct and the darts hit in the right place), but the arm holes were too big, the shirt itself was extremely long – even allowing for it to be longer than a normal shirt so it stays tucked in, it was too long – and the sleeves went all the way down to my knuckles. This was clearly NOT a petite shirt except for the positioning of the darts. It was also very itchy despite being just cotton. I’ve just come to the conclusion that they have poor quality control, and at their price point, that’s just not acceptable.

      4. Yeah, BR is dead to me lately, too. Except for the amazing trouser jeans I got in the winter/spring, and maybe a t-shirt. I think their shirts are cut for tall/long-waisted, fairly flat-chested women. I always have trouble with button-downs, I think because I have a smallish frame, but I am not flat-chested (32D). I find all the BR shirts, if they fit me in the shoulders, are too tight in the bust and usually way too long, even tops that aren’t supposed to be tucked in. Even the fancy t-shirt styles – they had a really lovely sort of eyelet t-shirt shaped top earlier this summer, and some pretty lacy ones recently, but 4 different sizes (2, 2P, 4, 4P) just did not fit at all.

         Oh well, I guess it saves me a little money.

      5. Yes, I can report that BR shirts in 6, 6P, and 8P also fit oddly. I’ve had good luck with BR t-shirts, cardigans, and sweaters, but anything with more tailoring (shirts, suits) is just weirdly shaped for my body. On the other hand, their petite pants are just the right length and fit more or less ok in the waist/hips. Go figure.

   3. BR’s cardigans fit me oddly too; I’m not sure if it’s because I’m large of bust or because I’m short-waisted or both. Also, “squodge” is now my new favorite word.

   4. If you are larger than a B cup, *MAAAAAYBE* a C cup, that style is never gonna work.

      I’m a D when I’m thin and a DD when I’m plump, and believe me, I have tried every variation of that wrap style sweater over the years because I like how it looks on other people, and I never look anything but fat. I also have broad shoulders and a wider rib cage, which I think make it worse (Maybe if you were real petite in bone structure with larger bust, that might work on you). I’m not a big girl (size 4/6 when thinner, 8/10 when chubby), but even at a size 4 I can’t wear that cut.

      1. Aha! I am an F cup right now (nursing), AND have a big ribcage, so no wonder it looks weird. Also, no wonder I can’t wear any of my sweaters to work right now – they make me look like Anna Nicole Smith.

3. Where has Ru gone?

   Also, how about the cheating husband in Asia woman from Tuesday?

   I am going to run an online timer today and GET STUFF DONE. I’ve been way too distracted this week.

   1. I’m glad I’m not the only one who sits around wondering what is going on with y’all.

      I think Ru left after the whole people saying she was racist debacle. I’m not certain, but I got that feeling.

      1. Yeah, I saw her comment on a couple of posts on STFUC[site] and on TCKFAG’s Tumblr. TCKFAG, when you see Ru again, please wish her well for me/us.

      2. whoa, i must have missed something

      3. No she’s been back since then. I believe she is off for Ramadan.

         1. Yeah I’ve been on less during Ramadan too. It’s hard enough to keep focused at work without adding another distraction!

      4. I’ve seen her posts since then. It’s fasting month for Muslims, maybe she’s tied up with that ?

         Best wishes for Eid in case you’re reading, Ru. You too, Houda. This year must’ve been really tough but almost done now.

         1. I keep stupidly offering my friend/colleague chocolate when he comes in to my office. He’s been good spirited about it, but considering how hard Ramadan seems to be for him, I feel bad.

      5. I dont think shes been back since people realized she was making fun of posters on this site over at stfucorpo3tt3

         1. That is not true.

            1. has she been back since then? sorry if I missed that. Last I saw she was taking a break from this site because of all that

            2. Well, actually, she’s liked a lot of their posts, and said “And welcome to reason #452345 for why I’m on a [this website] sabbatical,” on one of them, which is perhaps not quite in the “making fun of” range, but it’s definitely on that spectrum.

               But of course, if [this website] is no longer serving her needs, she has every right to not be around. I hope she’s happy.

            3. No, she was taking a break for Ramadan before that kerfuffle. And I think it is a total mischaracterization to say she was making fun of posters here.

            4. I don’t know if that’s why she left us, but I will say that her comment that a. pointed out was about my comment, and it sure felt like she was making fun. I am not sure what else it could be: I no longer come here because of your comment and things like it.

               Sorry, I know we all like her, and I do too, but let’s call a spade a spade. I’d feel this way even if it weren’t about me.

            5. Not to put too fine a point on it. But her comment wasn’t about b23’s original comment (which she never read, because she’s not reading this site….because she’s off for Ramadan). It was about the kerfuffle — which was a bit exhausting.

               But rather than start another kerfuffle, why don’t we all just move on.

            6. I feel uncomfortable (a) speaking for Ru, and (b) re-opening this issue. But I just want to say I am sorry that your feelings were hurt, and I am glad you continue post here.

            7. stfu makes fun of posters on corpor3tte. ru liked all posts making fun of corpor3tt3, and added comments on many of them. I was one of them, and I was hurt and def felt like I was being made fun of. I have stopped posting under my old name because of ru and kayne and stfu. yes, I realize I am sensitive. but I had always liked their posts so much, seeing them not like me back and call me a version of stupid was hurtful.

            8. OMG WHO CARES, IT’S THE INTERNET.

         2. She wasn’t here during that. Not to speak for her, but I believe she’s taking a break during Ramadan.

   2. I have always wanted to know what happened to the girl who was getting engaged but her guy refused to put any money towards a ring.

   3. Ru’s taking a break during Ramadan. She’ll be back.

4. Dallas Meet Up – sorry I missed you ladies! I did a lap around the restaurant but didn’t see any all-lady tables. I wanna hear how it went! Need details!

   1. Oh no! It makes me sad that you went and couldn’t find them. I hope there was a good turnout!

      1. Oh, no, don’t feel sad! It actually worked out timing wise– just as I walked out of the restaurant, a friend of mine texted to see if I wanted to get dinner. So I headed back downtown and ended up having a really yummy dinner w/ a couple of people I hadn’t seen in awhile.

   2. So, actually…. it was just me, but I met a really interesting lady at the bar that has some great professional connections for my sister in Tennessee :) Herbie, I was there until just after 8, so I must have just missed you! What time did you end up getting there?

      Commenter “J” had a dead car batter, and the original commenter that confirmed two weeks ago didn’t get back on the thread yesterday and didn’t show up.

      So, maybe we can try again another time? It seems like several people didn’t see the original thread to set up a time, so I think that’s why it was a bust. Thoughts from other Dallas ladies?

      1. I’d love to plan another time. I didn’t see the original thread and couldn’t make it work last night to head out to Richardson. In general, though, I’m down for a Dallas meet-up.

   3. Also, funny story, the lady I randomly met was so confused that our meet-up wasn’t related to dating :)

   4. I was trying to make it last night, too, but got tied up.

      Perhaps a Thursday evening or Sunday afternoon might work better?

      1. Or, because this is Dallas, Sunday brunch?? Mimosas at Taverna, anybody? Bolsa also has a quite nomariffic brunch.

         1. I’m open to either of those options around 11 am :) Are you taking the lead on planning this one, Herbie?

            1. Hey Ashley, I tried sending an e-mail to ashley at consciouslycorporate dot com, and it bounced back to me. You (and anybody else who’s interested!) can ping me w/ your e-mail at [thiswebsite]herbie @ gmail dot com. I already know JJ (o_O!), so I can loop her in, too.

         2. oooooh, brunch would be awesome. But could we make it a lunch/brunch? (I know, I know, I’m a difficult one)

            Maybe a random weekend in Sept?

            1. I’m down for lunch/brunch on a random weekend in Sept. What about Sept. 9th at Taverna at 11am? That time should meet the lunch/brunch idea. I am comfortable giving an email address out if we want to take the reminders/hashing details off the comments section.

      2. I missed the initial post but would love to join the meet up.

   5. Okay, anybody who wants to brunch, shoot an e-mail to [thiswebsite]herbie @ gmail dot com, and I’ll circulate an e-mail with some dates. Let’s do this!!

      1. Actually, let me clarify. Anybody who wants to meet up, shoot me an e-mail. It doesn’t have to be brunch. I don’t know about you gals, but I’m into a lot of different things… drinks, museums, musicals, plays, sports (Rangers game, anybody? Mavericks if we even still have a team), ALL THE FOOD, etc.

      2. I’m in moderation for some reason, but I’ll be emailing you shortly :)

      3. I missed all of the meetup discussion until late yesterday afternoon (just got a new puppy and he’s cut into my [this site] time!). I’d love to join if there’s another meetup! And if no one objects, maybe somewhere with a patio that allows dogs? I know I’m biased, but he’s seriously the cutest 6 pounds on earth.

         Herbie, we met back in December so you have my e-mail (brunch and cookie bake if the initial doesn’t ring a bell!).

         1. Wait wait wait…. you had a cookie bake!?!?! That will definitely need to be back on the roster at some point!

            1. I thought about proposing a homemade ice cream “bake” given our weather, but I’m not sure I remember how to make homemade ice cream/if it’s possible to do in an afternoon without an ice cream maker. But if it is, I’m totally game. Right now the only frozen treat I have is peanut butter in a Kong to slow down my pb-crazed pup ;)

               Oh, I realized after scrolling down that someone already posts under “L”, so apologies to the original “L” for stealing your username! Back to my random topical names now :)

            2. Ashley, yes, Mama Bear inspired me to host a cookie bake. I won’t speak for L, but I still think it’s a GENIUS idea. Cookie dough, champagne, and lady friends. Doesn’t get much better than that. All hail the wise Mama Bear.

         2. L, yes, I know exactly who you are! Congrats on the puppy! I’ll include you on the e-mail re brunch. Bolsa has a good patio for dogs, so that might work.

5. This jacket is not at all my style, but it made me happy to see the bright cheerful color this morning, as I settle into work with my pants soaked from the knees down from the monsoon that broke out during my commute. Is a skirt the only solution to avoiding the leg-soak that happens when the rain comes in sideways, below both umbrella and jacket coverage?

   1. I’ve come to the realization that a skirt is really the only solution. My problem is usually that the bottom of my pants get wet and then soak up to the knee (or above) so the other solution is rain boots, but it’s so much easier for me to wear a skirt.

   2. I’ve tried rolling up the pants legs and securing with binder clips, as well as jamming the pants legs into boot tops – it helps with the sogginess, but then you get mad wrinkles. Skirts are the only good solution. Although if you have to wear pants, pants that fit close around your ankles are better than big swishy pants legs.

   3. Giant rainboots, they come up to my knees almost, which I stick my pants into. Though I’ve had days when its really come down and even my thighs have gotten drenched (so if I was wearing a skirt, I would just have been wearing a wet skirt).

   4. Skirt is best. Ankle/cropped pants are runner-up.

      There have been days when I’ve worn my rain gear over my clothes or changed at work.

6. Hm, I think I’d like this on someone else, couldn’t pull it off myself, I’m afraid. But you ladies who snapped it up, rock it!

   Quick cosmetic tj: I have realized my blush is no good. Probably it’s too old. I like the color, but it doesn’t seem to go on at all, so maybe it’s time to update (don’t even remember when I bought it–probably years ago?). What blushes do you guys use and like? I’m a low-maintenance, natural look, drugstore kind of girl when it comes to makeup, favoring Neutrogena and Almay often. Caucasian, probably a winter, if that helps. What’s the best way to apply blush?

   1. I like to wear the Bare Minerals “all-over face colors” as blushes (they make a separate line of “real” blushes, but I like a more natural, less made-up look). They are so sheer that they are basically fool-proof. I particularly like Warmth and Soft Focus True.

      1. +1 for Bare Minerals Warmth. I also use a blush of theirs in a color called C0ckt@il, which seems waaaay too pink but is actually a lovely flushed color, like you just ran down the hall.

      2. I don’t use BM, but second the approach. I just use a bronzer on my cheekbones, forehead, and nose as “blush.”

   2. Check out Bobbi brown’s makeup tips.

   3. As far as application, I invested in a high-quality brush back in high school, shaped like this: http://www.sephora.com/classic-kabuki-brush-50-P188224?skuId=1015270. I dust it oh-so-lightly in my blush, fake-grin really big, and swipe from the apples of my cheeks out.

      For the blush itself, I’m absolutely clueless about picking makeup, so I threw myself on the mercy of the Bobbi Brown counter. The woman who helped me was fantastic–I told her what I wanted (something light and natural-looking), and she sat down and went through 10-15 blushes with me, until we found one that worked. I have the Shimmer Blush in Pink Sugar, and believe I’m a winter as well.

   4. I love Sonia Kashuk’s cream blush from Target. I have gone through three of them already and plan to buy it again when I run out. I like the creamy texture and it is easy to build up color. I’m a fan of cream blush because I think that it looks most natural on me, though I did read that you should set cream blush with powder blush in Bobbi Brown’s book, but I don’t.

   5. NARS Org*sm (I’m not kidding about the name) is by far my favorite. And I find it’s almost universally flattering.

      1. +1

      2. Thanks for posting this – this blush been recommended here so many times and I keep meaning to try it but always forget which one it is. I really love Benefit Coralista – also flattering on many skin tones – but I’ve been using it almost exclusively for over a year and I’m ready for a change.

         1. Just one note – there is a bit of shimmer in it (not as much as Super Org*sm but a bit) so I would definitely get a sample first, before buying it, to see if the shimmer is too much for you.

         2. I do not like orgasm, I feel like it doesn’t have enough pigment. I prefer the benefit blushes, particularly Dallas and Bella Bamba. I like Coralista, but I prefer those two. Benefit blushes seem to last forever and blend really well.

            1. Just got a belle bamba sample. it works well if applied lightly to my fair skin, which was surprising. I feel like I have medium skinned friends it would look amazing on.

      3. Warning, that Org*sm has a little bit of a sparkle to it. If you want something matte and long-lasting, I recommend Tarte Amazonian Clay blush.

         1. We posted that at the exact same time – clearly we’re on the same page :)

            1. :)

            2. Thanks, ladies, I’ll try it out the next time I have time to play at Sephora!

         2. +1 for both of those products. I have both Org*sm and the Tarte blush and I love them both. Great recs.

         3. I also use Tarte Amazonian Clay. I’ve tried lots of other things but that is my favourite so far – nice colours and lasts all day (on me).

            1. I use the Tarte Amazonian clay with a brush of the Coralista over it to soften the brightness of the Tarte just a bit. The Tarte is so long lasting, and it really brightens my face a lot. I get asked frequently about my blush, so I assume it’s working. I am olive-skinned.

         4. I have the Tarte Amazonian Clay blush too. I absolutely love it and wear it daily, but I think it has a bit of sparkle in it and is definitely not matte.

            1. I don’t find that the Tarte has any shimmer or sparkle. That is why I stopped using the Nars. I didn’t love the shimmer.

         5. I am obsessed with the Tarte blush. It is amazing.

            1. I’m finding that Tarte everything is pretty amazing. Plus, if you wait for their Friends & Family sales, which happen a few times a year, you can get 30% off.

         6. Late to this, but Laura Mercier “Orange Blossom” blush is the solution- I call it “Org*sm for the Office”! Similar look, no sparkle!

      4. I just bought new blush after feeling like my old standby was no longer doing me any favors. Friends had recommended the NARS staple, but it was way too sparkly for me. I ended up with Deep Throat, which is a little rosier and just a tiny bit of shimmer.

         1. Love this shade, too.

      5. I’m wearing it right now. Was recommended to me by an olive-skinned friend (I’m very pale). Looks great on both of us.

      6. I was just about to post this rec too – I like their stick version better than the compact.

   6. I swear by Jane blush (just a round powder compact) in Blushing Petal, and I probably have similar coloring to you. Lasts for ever if you apply with a sponge.

   7. NARS blush in (yes, seriously) 0rg@asm is quite amazing, and universally flattering. Plus it makes me giggle.

   8. I like the L’Oreal blushes that come in a round container (True Match??) – they’re labeled as cool/warm/neutral so its very easy to pick out the right color. Also, the Tarte cheek stains (not drugstore) are good.

   9. My favorite blushes are MAC. Pink Swoon and Blushbaby are both sheertone and buildable so you can get as much or as little coverage as you want. I apply them with the Sonia Kashuk blush brush and love it.

7. The first of two TJs, because I haven’t seen one of these guys in a while, and I could use the happiness I always get from reading them: what are three things you are grateful for today?

   1. I had a really great run with the pup this morning. We only did five miles, but that’s the longest I’ve gone since I blew my knee out in the beginning of July. It twinged a couple of times, but no outright pain! Hooray!
   2. Just got results back from my most recent pap, and I am officially HPV-free.
   3. It is an absolutely beautiful day outside: sunshine, nice breeze, not overwhelmingly hot.

   1. a., I love this! And congratulations to you on all three of yours. Finding things I’m grateful for is very important to me. In fact, I have a necklace with three tags that say “blessed” “loved” and “grateful.” I have a lot of crazy stuff going on in my life but still have so much to be grateful for:

      1. I got my new car yesterday and I’m having a blast learning about all of the new toys.

      2. My SO and I have settled into a loving and respectful time in our relationship and that’s a big relief.

      3. My new boss is finally getting up to speed and we will (we hope) have the budget for this year settled by this afternoon.

      1. So glad to hear things have calmed down with the SO, NOLA. I know how much stress that friction was causing you.

      2. So happy for you!!

      3. Yay, Nola! glad to hear, esp re the SO.

         1. Oh, you all are so sweet. I feel like I had given him a bad rap here, but he is a sweet and loving guy who adores me. He had quite an emotional blow in the past week (bad health news for a close family member) and I think it has really thrown him and made him realize how important I am to him. The move thing is completely up in the air at this point. I told him I wanted him to stick around, but I felt terrible how it all came about. He is leaving this weekend to go to the other house to do some work on his property and I’m actually breathing a sigh of relief because I get to be by myself during my busiest time of the year and I don’t have to worry about leaving work at a particular time.

            1. Good to get all your venting done here and preserve his reputation with your RL friends and family !

   2. 1. I had a great run last night. (Isn’t is amazing what running does for your mental health, or at least it really makes me happy!)

      2. My 11 year old daughter survived her first day of middle school. I was a nervous wreck all day, but she found her classes, had friends to eat lunch with, and did fine. So thankful for that!

      3. This one is kind of dumb, but I bought a new salad dressing and brought it for the first time for lunch today with my salad and am so excited to eat it, because it is yummy!

   3. Great idea a.! I’m grateful for:
      1. Finding a new yoga studio this week that I absolutely love.

      2. My dad had a stent put in and he’s doing fine.

      3. Starting business school this month – excited to be taking the time to do this (but also so, so terrified of meeting new people as well, TBH!)

   4. 1. I am so ridiculously in love with my husband. I’ve never had a relationship this good, ever, and I’m just so grateful for it all.

      2. I love our current apartment. It’s so big and nice, with central A/C and a renovated kitchen and off-street parking, and located in my favorite neighborhood in the entire universe AND two blocks from a Whole Foods.

      3. For the first time ever, I’ve managed to keep an herb garden alive for the entire summer. Basil, mint, sage, and rosemary. Happiness.

   5. 1. I’m having an excellent hair day.

      2. I got a job offer on Tuesday – not sure if I’m going to take it, but it makes me feel “wanted” after a few months of applying without much luck.

      3. I’m crossing the border on Saturday to pick up some online shopping orders and peruse the outlets and I’m so exciiiiiiited!

      1. Congrats on the job offer and good luck deciding whether or not to take it!

   6. 1. I am wearing a new skirt! (see above)
      2. My 4yo said to me this morning, “I was cranky yesterday.” I’m so glad she recognizes that!!
      3. We are visiting relatives on the Cape this weekend.

   7. 1. My best friend in the world is driving almost 6hrs to come down to my neck o’ the woods to visit me today. We’ll hang out, chitchat, browse cheesy fashion magazines, and cook over the 4-day weekend.

      2. I actually got my sh!t together enough to tidy up the room my friend will be staying in and I’ve totally Anthropologied-up the room, too, so friend will be happy. :-)

      3. Ran into a really nice coworker in the hallway and had a brief chat. I learned something new about this coworker, who’s really smart and kind and awesome.

      1. Four day weekend?! Jealous!

   8. 1. I am wearing a new Boden dress that I am obsessed with. (The Embroidered Jersey Dress in Red in case anyone is interested. I’m totally going to buy the Petrol later, I like it so much.)

      2. I completed Day 4 of CrossFit last night, and I’m really loving it. I never thought I’d enjoy working out.

      3. I have a good, stable job. This one feels selfish, but I just found out some of our contractors are getting laid off, and while I feel terribly for them, I can’t help but be glad to know I’m not in that boat…

      1. I’m intrigued by CrossFit, but kind of afraid I’m really going to hurt myself. Do you think they’d let a newbie stop by for a day and see it. I’ve got a few healing injuries and I’m not sure exactly what they actually do at CrossFit…

         1. Every gym I’ve seen in the NoVA area offers an intro class that is targeted for beginners. I went to several of them to see what I thought of it, and then signed up for the fundamentals course at one of them. I’d say try it out, and just let the coach know at the beginning about any injuries (they usually ask about this anyway.)

   9. 1. I get to try a new restaurant that I’ve been wanting to try for AGES, and DH (super picky eater) actually suggested it! Plus, his parents are probably paying.

      2. Our State Fair is coming up, and the only day we can go falls squarely during the rabbit exhibition. I know, I’m a four-year-old girl. Plus, State Fair means there is still at least a month left of summer.

      3. I got my Birch Box yesterday, and one of the products made my face all glowy and soft, so I feel pretty today.

      1. Fun! We’re going to our (very large indeed) County Fair in a few weeks!

      2. Which product from this month’s BB? I am obsessed with the towelettes.

   10. 1. I’m wearing a new shirt today and it looks pretty.

       2. I’m going to be swamped with trials next month such that I thought I wouldn’t be able to go visit a friend in Savannah that we’ve been trying to plan. I talked to my supervisor and we agreed that I can give two easier ones to my newer colleague so that she can start getting some experience. By doing that it’ll free up a weekend to visit my friend!

       3. I got to snuggle with my kitty for a few minutes this morning before I left for work!

   11. 1. I am grateful for finally finding my groove with motherhood. DS is almost 3 and I am just enjoying the heck out of him. He’s hilarious and smart and I can’t wait to get home to him every night — but I no longer feel huge amounts of guilt about being a working mom which is huge. HUGE, I tell you.

       2. I’m going to a Mumford & Sons concert next week and am super excited about it.

       3. After a dry, unbelievably hot summer, it’s 70 degrees and raining today. Love it.

   12. 1. Mr. Senior Attorney and I are in a very good relationship place right now. Long may it last!
       2. Although my left index finger is still quite purple after I jammed it at the gym on Tuesday, it has stopped hurting and it has full motion so I’m confident it’s not broken.
       3. Temps are back in the double digits after a full week of 100-plus.

   13. I love these!

       1) I’m in that awesome phase of pregnancy where I’m showing but not enormous, no longer throwing up every day but also not having heartburn. US looked good; all signs point to healthy baby

       2) I really like my job. We made a huge move just over a year ago, and I’ve had zero regrets.

       3) I fall a little bit more in love with my husband every day.

       1. All these posts of sweet husbands and children are great. Love the abbreviation “US” in your case; soon to be another DS. :-)

   14. 1. A work thing that had me sleepless last night has been solved and a plan of action established;

       2. Because of 1, I do not have to work all weekend;

       3. Tomorrow is Friday.

   15. 1. I have been invited to interview for a job that I think would be a great fit
       2. A delicious flat iron steak is marinating for my dinner tonight
       3. Project Runway is on TV tonight

       1. Ooh!

          4. Project Runway is on TV tonight!

   16. 1. I’m leaving for Paris on Saturday!
       2. work has been unexpectedly manageable the last month-feels amazing.
       3. I had an awesome work out this morning!

       1. Re #1: take me with you! (or at least eat something delicious for me).

   17. a. My morning meeting was cancelled and a program I had running overnight successfully completed, so it looks like I may be able to pull of my deadlines this week!
       b. It’s going to be 100 here (sad face) but we *just* insulated our old house so we should be better able to keep cool.
       c. My husband continually tells me that I’m pretty, even though I’m really struggling with extra weight (and skin, yuck) from the latest pregnancy.

   18. 1. The cleaning crew comes to my house today; clean house when I get home!
       2. Last night I finally learned how to make prints from my digital camera.
       3. I’m busy with really good work.

   19. 1. I made it through my workout last night without my headband falling off (see yesterday’s discussion). The solution involved 2 bobby pins and 2 snap clips, but it worked.

       2. My parents are coming to visit this weekend. Say it with me: free food.

       3. I came to the realization this week that I am in love with my boyfriend. I haven’t told anyone yet (even him), and it’s nice having this little happy secret inside of me that will just grow and grow until I have to let it out.

   20. (Past commentor, new handle to avoid discovery)

       1. After almost a decade since I quit competitive swimming, I got back in the pool this summer and it’s going really well. I’m doing actual workouts again, losing fat, and getting crazy strong and it feels so incredibly good.

       2. I am wearing one of my favorite outfits today.

       3. Last but not least, after over a year of unemployment, I got a job offer yesterday! Hurray for finally getting to use that law degree and bar number I worked so hard to get!

   21. 1. Just got back from a camp reunion in an area of the country where my phone can’t access work email (yay!). Planning to go back for a whole week next year.

       2. Met a new guy…having some great lady-garden parties…he has some potential of being a LTR.

       3. I get to host Turkey Day this year for my mom and her parents in my new house. Yay!

   22. I love these threads!

       1. On the workout theme, I’ve been going to the gym about 3x a week and it’s getting easier and easier to run longer. Hoping to run a 5K soon-ish.

       2. I’m excited for my upcoming vacations with my parents in CA and with my BF in Hawaii :)

       3. Kathy Griffin marathon is on Bravo right now… love her.

   23. 1. I have been dating my boyfriend for only 2 months, but something tells me this is the one.
       2. The other side on a deal was being very unreasonable this morning, but magically caved to our position and apologized.
       3. It is summer and it is sunny.

   24. 1.Dh going on a SHORT trip this time. Gone to Johannesburg and back within a week’s time. WOW.

       2.Perhaps my varied symptoms are responding to a month’s worth of Synthroid. Hope all go away and I can avoid a MRI scan of my head!

       3. Getting a consult tomorrow on pool renovations – good because it’s one of the few things in this MCM house we are not doing with our own hands.

8. I read some of the comments late yesterday and want to chime in on a couple questions:

   For the poster asking about fine china – we got part of the Kate Spade Library Lane -Aqua through our wedding registry. It is microwave and dishwasher safe and gorgeous. It is now discontinued in that color and you have inspired me to try to fill out our collection at christmas or other holidays from what is left on ebay. If you like this, you can get the whole set for around $800 I think. Here is a link that features the set. Within that it will take you to the ebay listings.

   http://www.microwavecookingforone.com/Lenox/LenoxLibraryLaneAqua.html

   Several posters were also asking for gift recommendations for women of all different ages from teenagers up. A couple of my favorite pieces of jewelry have hidden inspirational sayings that I think would make great gifts. I have a necklace from etsy that looks like an open flower and there is a round pendant behind it engraved with “there but for the grace of god go i. I’m not very religious but I love the saying and find it very humbling and a great reminder in my line of work.

   I recently saw a necklace in this random catalog that has a compass face on the front and on the back is engraved with the Thoreau quote “go confidently in the direction of your dreams.” I think that would make a nice present though I can’t tell if I like the compass pictured or if I would want a more feminine style. I have CZ earrings and a necklace (the celtic trinity knot ones) from that site and love them so some of their stuff is definitely high quality – though the majority of the catalog is more “renn fair fashion.”

   http://www.pyramidcollection.com/itemdy00.asp?ID=1,621&GEN1=Necklaces+%26+Pendants+&T1=J66727&dispRow=269&srccode=

   1. You should also try the site replacements.com. They carry all sorts of discontinued china, ranging from wedgewood to crate and barrel.

9. My comment is awaiting moderation due to links. Here is the comment. If you are interested, links should show up when the original post is released.

   I read some of the comments late yesterday and want to chime in on a couple questions:
   For the poster asking about fine china – we got part of the Kate Spade Library Lane -Aqua through our wedding registry. It is microwave and dishwasher safe and gorgeous. It is now discontinued in that color and you have inspired me to try to fill out our collection at christmas or other holidays from what is left on ebay. If you like this, you can get the whole set for around $800 I think. Here is a link that features the set. Within that it will take you to the ebay listings.

   Several posters were also asking for gift recommendations for women of all different ages from teenagers up. A couple of my favorite pieces of jewelry have hidden inspirational sayings that I think would make great gifts. I have a necklace from etsy that looks like an open flower and there is a round pendant behind it engraved with “there but for the grace of god go i. I’m not very religious but I love the saying and find it very humbling and a great reminder in my line of work.
   I recently saw a necklace in this random catalog that has a compass face on the front and on the back is engraved with the Thoreau quote “go confidently in the direction of your dreams.” I think that would make a nice present though I can’t tell if I like the compass pictured or if I would want a more feminine style. I have CZ earrings and a necklace (the celtic trinity knot ones) from that site and love them so some of their stuff is definitely high quality – though the majority of the catalog is more “renn fair fashion.”

   1. Hey, I mentioned this yesterday but I’ve filled in pieces from Replacements. I bought more spoons for my mom’s stainless (where did those teaspons go?) and added to different parts of my every day dishes.

      1. I was going to suggest Replacements as well, but I didn’t know if they were a regional thing or not – since there is a giant one in NC. They are great. I once shattered a bowl at a house I was babysitting at, and used Replacements to replace it. That place is awesome.

         1. You can register your pattern at replacements online, too, and they will email you when pieces come in and you can order them online. They always have pics of the piece, and they grade them (like if they have chips or anything). Works great!

      2. Yeah, where do teaspoons go? I changed out my flatware a couple of years ago and when I inventored in January (yes, I inventoried it. I am weird) I was down a good 4 teaspoons (out of 12.) Fortunately, I could still order teaspoons from the manufacturer but it was stupidly expensive.

         For everything else, I’m a big fan of Replacements, but don’t overlook ebay for hard to find pieces. Most of the sellers of dishes on ebay really know what they’re doing and will package your pieces securely. I think they scour estate and rummage sales and thrift shops, and hope to make a little money reselling on ebay.

         In fact, Replacements puts up ebay listings, too, and they are sometimes a little cheaper than their website prices.

         I think about dishes way too much, apparently.

         For those of you who love Corelle, I think my obsession with having nice dishes is a reaction to hating the Corelle of my childhood. :)

         1. i have hundreds of teaspoons, it seems. HUNDREDS. and none of them match. I must sleepwalk and steal them from other peoples’ homes. I have no idea where most of them have come from.

         2. @mamabear, I’m convinced that my brother and I probably took teaspoons outside to play in the sandbox or something. My mom’s set was remarkably intact other than teaspoons. I got my own stainless when I got married and I love it, but can’t buy it anymore and didn’t want to use it for everyday so I beefed up my mom’s set from the sixties. I took a picture of the fork and had Replacements identify the pattern for me (Finlandia by International Stainless). They have been awesome for that!

         3. I think that the teaspoons are what the sock monsters are using the socks for, they store the teaspoons in the socks and hang them in their layer.

            Thank and all your hair ties.

            1. Cornellian has ALL THE TEASPOONS.

               Give ’em back, C!

      3. Replacements is great. It’s the only place that us klutzy gov anons can get replace our broken everyday dishes. (And it’s time for me to do that again.)

         Anyone have a recommendation for a good, easy to replace stainless flatware pattern? Nothing to girly or fussy or Mr. gov anon will veto. Where on earth did all our forks go? We’re down to 5.

10. I wanted to provide an update to those who provided advice and inquired about my dinner with dh, after I discovered he’s having an affair. I do realize I’ll need to get a therapist to resolve this somehow, but am finding this venue to be a good way for me to organize my thoughts. So please excuse the long post. Please, post any comments or suggestions you may have.
    Our talk was calm while I listened to him explain. I discovered the affair because I saw their emails when he forgot to log out (from a separate account he registered just for her) on our shared laptop. She initiated their communication and asked to meet him when he visits Asia (usually 1-2 times a year for work), and he said yes. He doesn’t admit anything physical happened, even though he concedes those were not regular meetings between old friends, and that she obviously still “loves” him. Did I mention she is also married with a 3 or 4 year old daughter?! His wrongdoing, according to him, is he didn’t want to reject her directly, but only kept in touch and even teased her a bit in his emails, hoping that she’ll calm down emotionally as time goes by and their new “relationship” will naturally die again because of distance, her family responsibilities etc. (I’m finding this explanation mind-bogglingly ridiculous as I type!)
    Those emails were not very explicit and definitive as to what exactly happened during their meeting. “Tease” in the above paragraph is him saying, when she’s sad/crying, that she should think about happy things, e.g. when he visits next time and she should get ready “emotionally and physically”. He did also say in his emails that he cannot promise her anything, and they shouldn’t expect anything but living their separate lives. The emails do reveal that they didn’t just meet once, but rather she stayed in HK for the whole 5 days while he was there too. I can imply (and I am) they stayed in the same hotel room. But I’ve no actual proof, and he denies it. The emails also reveal they have almost daily phone calls since he’s back through his work phone, other than weekends.
    I’ve been staying at a hotel over the past two nights, while he’s begging me to go back, saying he loves me and wants to stay with me. He also said he will cut all contact with her immediately and never again. (Doesn’t all cheating husband say that?) I will admit, given his attitude now, we will not divorce, and will have to work hard on rebuilding my trust towards him.
    My plan currently is to first flush out more specific details of the facts and focus on why he did what he did. DH is a bit of a push over in life. He does not and cannot directly say no to people. This is why I’m leaning towards believing his explanation above… I do realize this is a problem, and there might be some underlying issue. I’m also considering meeting the ex and have a three-way conversation. Sort of getting everything on the table, and bring a formal “closure” to all this. But I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. Thoughts?

    1. Wow, this is all a lot to deal with. If nothing else, he has shown incredibly poor judgement. I think you need to figure out if you can ever trust him again and if you truly want to stay married. You will need therapy (together and perhaps separately) to sort through all of this. Not sure if it’ll help to confront her. I did comment on my ex-h’s girlfriends blog to point out that she was writing these glowing excited posts (about being in love with a wonderful new guy) about the person who was still my husband. Not sure if it did anything useful but I guess it made me feel better. At the very least, your husband would need to make it completely clear to his ex that there will be no contact no matter what she does or says. But that’s for you to decide how to handle it. All the best to you as you work through this difficult time.

    2. I’ve been wondering about you; thank you for the update.

       To your last question — What would you hope to accomplish in the three-way conversation? I tend to think those things are really bad ideas because it’s probably not going to make you feel better. People talk about “closure” as if it requires confronting someone, but the only way I can ever get “closure” (i.e., get over the event) is to have something happen within myself. Telling someone off or hearing all the gory details isn’t going to restore your trust in your husband or make you feel better emotionally, in my opinion. Those are my thoughts.

    3. 1. You believe they stayed in the same room for five days
       2. Daily phone calls
       3. Regular emails

       These are not due to his inability to say no. He could have just stopped replying to her emails or taking her calls. A simple way to say no without actually saying no.

       Forgive me if I’m wrong but I think you may be wanting desperately to believe him in your heart but your head says he cheated.

       Whatever you decide, good luck. For me personally, I’d be paranoid every time he travelled. Or was on the phone. Or sent emails.

       I’d drive myself crazy wondering if it would recur.

       1. Also, starting a new e-mail account just to talk to her. And not saying “Honey, my crazy ex contacted me; might as well get a drink with her next time I’m in Asia in the hopes she’ll realize there’s nothing there and leave me alone, right?”

       2. I think you may be wanting desperately to believe him in your heart but your head says he cheated.

          AN – thank you for pointing that out! I think you just might be right, which is also why I plan to go through the facts with him in more detail and confront him with the illogic in his explanation. It’s important that he admits to the entirety of his wrongdoing. But at the end of the day, even if I caught them in the same bed, if he repents his mistake in full (and that’s a big if), I do not see myself going straight for divorce without trying to forgive/forget. Maybe I won’t succeed at that, which will naturally cause the eventual divorce, but at least I can say I gave it my best shot. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

          1. I think you’re on the right track. It’s the repentance factor. And until he can admit and own up to what he did and make a change to make sure it doesn’t happen again, it’ll be hard to buy that there’s true repentance. Just watched someone else go through this, never (thankfully) gone through it myself. But from an outsider’s perspective, the fact that cheating (on “business” trips) spouse never made dramatic changes to be accountable to non-cheating spouse while away on business made it hard for her to trust him, even though she, like you, would have been willing to forgive and move on if he showed a change.

             My two cents (and they aren’t worth any more than that): Let him know that you ARE willing and wanting to forgive, but he’s going to have to come clean and demonstrate to you that he knows what he did was terribly wrong and he has a visible (to you) plan for making sure it doesn’t happen again.

             1. I agree with this. The most disturbing thing for me is that he still isn’t being honest with you. What he’s telling you just doesn’t make sense. Trust your gut on this one. Hopefully that was just his initial panicked response and he’ll soon come back and tell you the truth. I assume that the main reason you want to meet the ex is in an effort to get more of the truth out of her- I agree with others that it’s a bad idea. If DH can’t come 100% clean, I don’t see how you can move forward.

             2. This. It’s really insulting for him to tell you that “nothing” happened. Even based on his own version of events, and assuming for the sake of argument they didn’t have s*x, it’s pretty clear he violated your trust. Not only did he fail to mention to you that he was talking to an ex, but he took steps to hide it – setting up a secret email account, talking to her on his work phone, visiting her on business trips, and who knows what else. His knee-jerk denial just makes me wonder what else he’s hiding. I get that you want to be able to forgive and move on, but he’s going to need to come clean first. Otherwise what you’re doing isn’t forgiving him, you’re just being willfully blind to his dishonesty.

          2. I think you also have to take into consideration that you only know because you accidentally found out. He didn’t feel guilty and come clean to you, and who knows how long he would have continued with this otherwise. Hopefully he has had an epiphany about his sh*tty, sh*tty behavior and will try to grow some moral character, but it’s still something to think about.

          3. I think his ability to fully come to terms (both with you and within his own heart) with his wrongdoing will be key. I do believe it’s possible to repair a marriage after infidelity (I’ve seen it done), but it’s key that the cheater be honest with him/her self.

       3. I think for a relationship to work after something like this, you must make a conscious decision to trust the person. Obviously, it will take time for the cheater to earn that trust. But at some point, it’s on the other spouse to accept that they can trust their partner or to cut ties and move on. There was a post here a few weeks ago from a woman whose SO was having dinner/drinks with a female work friend and I think most of the replies were along the lines of, you really just need to trust him. SF Bay was particularly eloquent on this point, I thought. Obviously, this is a very different situation but I think for any relationship to work, trust has to be on the table.

          To help — thanks for updating. I think the idea for separate and joint therapy is a good one. I think that your instincts are probably correct – more than he lets on happened here by all indications. I would be very blunt with him and use the fact that he is begging you to come back home to try to get some more honesty. I would say something like, “What you are saying to me just does not make sense. Until you are ready to come fully clean about everything that happened, I will not consider moving back. I need to understand what occured in order to deal with it. Lying to me only makes it all worse.”

          As for meeting with the ex, what are you hoping to accomplish by that? I would think about that very hard before actually engaging her in any kind of conversation.

       4. Thanks for updating us.

          Agree with AN. You know he cheated, but you want to believe he didn’t. Deny deny deny– that’s what a lot of people do when they get caught. It’s not him, it’s her. If he had his way, he wouldn’t be in contact with her, but he doesn’t want to hurt her. Are you kidding me?! She’s an ex. I haven’t seen anything indicating she needs to be in his life (kids, business, etc.). It’s absolutely his choice that she is. His choice to share a hotel room, his choice to see her, his choice to *set up an e-mail account just for communicating with her!*, his choice to call or take her calls daily. He had a choice every step of the way here.

          The denial tactic works because you’re in shock, you love him and the fact that he cheated doesn’t mean you just stop loving him, and you really really want to believe that this nightmare didn’t happen.

          Obviously, it’s your prerogative re divorce/stay together. But counseling for both of you (individual and together) is probably your best bet, as momentsofabsurdity points out below. And don’t feel like you have to make a decision NOW (or anytime soon) about the ultimate future of your relationship. It’s okay to take things a day or week at a time for as long as you need to.

    4. I wouldn’t meet the ex, at least not now, because I think it would only cause you more pain and she may have ulterior motives (ie, she may say things to make you doubt Hubby, because she’s carrying a torch for him, and cause further damage to your marriage).

       I too find his description that “nothing happened” to be BS, and I would say even if nothing did, what your DH did is emotional cheating.

       I would say the best thing for you guys to do now, if as you say, you are committed to making the marriage work and are no longer considering divorce, is to immediately get into couple’s counseling. You also may benefit from therapy for yourself (as may he), but you sound like you could really use an impartial professional to help you two work through next steps as to how to move forward in your marriage and rebuild your trust. I would definitely work with a marriage counselor before contemplating doing something like a 3 way conversation with the ex.

       I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. I wish there was more anyone could say to help.

       1. Ditto to this entire post. Therapy immediately, for both of you and for each of you individually. Don’t talk to the ex, either by yourself or with him.

          Big hugs to you, wish we could help more!!!!

    5. I do NOT see defeniteive evidence of cheating, but you are RIGHT to say that someting does SMELL funny. Unfortunateley there is NOT any way to know unless you were in that hotel room, and you were NOT.

       You should work hard to save the marrage b/c of the HISTORY and the fact that you have a child. If he can LEARN to keep his ROMANCE with you, that would be the IDEAL.

       Alway’s look for the BRIGHT SIDE. By catecheing him NOW, you have prevented even more stuff from happeneing in the future. I did NOT have this issue, but my ex “cheated” with the bottel, prefereing alchohol to me. In that way, it was very similear. FOOEY!

       So think positive and you will be OK. You are not the first woman who’s husband looked elsewhere for sexuel release. FOOEY on him, but give him a chance to redeeeme himself. Then you will be better too!

       1. I think it’s really gross that you are commenting like this when someone is clearly hurting here. I love a good Ellenism as much as the rest, but it has it’s place and time. Show a little humanity here.

          1. “it’s” place? Evidently, Ellen is not the only grammatically challenged one today. Just saying! Or is this a plant? Ellenwatch?

    6. So he doesn’t have the ability to say no, but he does have the ability to lie to his wife and sneak around? Color me skeptical.

       Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for the best.

       1. This.

          OP, please don’t make excuses for him. “Doesn’t have the ability to say no” is just a fancy-schmancy way of blaming the third-party and I hear that throughout your post. (e.g. “she initiated contact, etc. etc.”) Yes, she’s guilty, yes, she’s trying to wreck your marriage and hers, but that’s a secondary problem.

          The primary problem is that you are married to a liar. You deserve better than this.

          I think it’s very generous and kind of you to be wiling to give him a chance to change his ways. But change is hard, most people don’t really want to, and many of the people who try to change fail a few times (or many times.) Still, it’s not impossible to repair this marriage, but only if he’s going to actually DO THE WORK. Talk is cheap, most of what he’s said has been worth zero, so watch his actions very carefully.

    7. I don’t think the getting together with the ex is a good idea. The issues are between you and your husband, not her. He made the commitment to be faithful to you and he broke that, she is only tangentially involved because it was with her, but it could have been anyone. Talking to her won’t make you feel any better, and won’t resolve anything. You should meet with a therapist to talk about your feelings one on one, and you should check out couples therapy to talk about what is going on in your marriage with an objective third party. I would say that it is also a good idea to get your daughter into therapy as well, she may not know exactly what is going on, but I’m sure she knows something is up, even if she is young.

       You are being very strong, and this is a terrible situation to find yourself in. There are no right answers, everyone has to figure out what to do in these situations on their own. I would suggest not talking to friends and family about it at too much length, because while they will try to be helpful they will be putting their own feelings into it which may not be helpful to you.

       Good luck, and big internet hugs to you.

       1. I agree. OP, this is between the two of you. She’s not a party here, and I don’t think that she actually ought to get to air *her* feelings about this to *you*.

    8. I am so sorry (still). I am amazed by how strong you are. Regardless if there was or wasn’t physical contact, what he did was wrong. If it were me, until he admitted that it was wrong (no caveats) and just as wrong as sleeping with someone else, I would have a hard time being under the same roof as him. My personal opinion, but I’m much more of a hothead.

       I don’t think meeting the ex is a good idea, because I can’t imagine what that would actually give you other than a lot more pain. There is no way to know 100% that what she would say would be true or would give you closure.

       I would think for now, the best thing you both can do is go to couples counseling and both individually see a therapist. Someone with professional training may be able to guide you all on a path to closure and hopefully (if you so choose) to rebuilding your marriage.

    9. This all sounds horrible and I am sending lots of good thoughts your way. Yes, please get individual therapy. If you want to stay with him, then add couples therapy but you need individual therapy for your well-being so you’ll have a safe place to say or think whatever you need. Your husband’s explanations sound sketchy, condescending (to you and her) and far-fetched, so I wouldn’t trust that he hasn’t had sex with her and therefore possibly exposed you to a disease. I would go to a doctor to get tested ASAP. I don’t suggest meeting the woman and giving her power in your marriage. If your husband can’t or won’t back her off on his own, then you’ll need to be worried every time he can’t say no to another woman. It’s about his behavior. Let her poor husband deal with hers. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and hope that you can find in-person friends to talk about this with. We’re here for you, but a shoulder to cry on and in-person hugs seem very necessary right now.

       1. AH!! Yes, STD testing x1000. Seriously, you can never be too safe.

          1. third – that’s what I was going to say. STD testing and using condoms for at least a year. Of course, I wouldn’t have ladygarden parties with the cheating bastard at all, but that’s just me.

             1. Agreed 100%.

    10. Sorry to hear you’re going through this but don’t know why you’d want to give him another chance. Can you really trust him unconditionally after such a huge breach? You’re already in a hotel room and away from him. How can you be certain he’s not still communicating with his ex? He kept it from you before, what’s to say he’s not still lying to you? I’m sorry if this comes off as harsh but you need to take the rose colored glasses off and see the reality of your situation. At the end of the day you need to ask yourself of you truly can forgive and move forward. If this is something you possibly see coming up in future, think twice. It isn’t failure if you two split. He broke what you have, not you, remember that. Also, what would you want for your daughter? Do you want her to think a man being unfaithful is acceptable? I hope you find peace with this and hugs your way.

        1. Life (and marriage) is long, and all of us will make a lot of mistakes. If help feels she can forgive DH, continue her marriage and trust DH again, then I think we have to trust help’s ability to make her own decisions.

           1. So educated, professional women are condoning cheating because life is long and we all make mistakes? Total BS. Marriage vows should be respected but when one partner breaks that vow, the other party has every right to tell the cheater to F off and leave without being made to feel guilty for “not trying.” Staying with someone who lied and cheated is sad and desperate. But if there are women out there okay with teaching their children this is acceptable behavior, that’s a bigger problem.

              1. This comment was not about making Help feel like she should “try to save the marriage.” Yes, when a spouse breaks a vow the other partner has the right to tell them to pack. But, does that mean it’s the only right answer? Does it mean that Help is wrong for taking some time to process things, or (because she wants to!) try to save the relationship, even if it eventually ends in divorce? No. It absolutely does not.

                 I like living in a world where women have as many choices as possible. While I think I would have told my husband to pack immediately upon hearing this story, I can’t say for certain, and I’m not Help. I can’t make her decisions for her. Neither can you.

                 So how about being supportive, or at least stop actively judging someone else who’s going through a crappy time, OK?

              2. I’m sorry anon, but I strongly disagree. You aren’t in every marriage and you don’t know every situation, so you really can’t make a blanket statement like “Staying with someone who lied and cheated is sad and desperate.”

                 Your hard line in the sand might be cheating. Others might have different lines in the sand that denote the point of no return. We can’t all live and die by each other’s principles, we need to figure out our own as we go along.

                 The other party has the RIGHT to tell the cheater to f*ck off (in fact, every partner has the *right* to tell their partner to f*ck off and leave, even if they’ve done nothing wrong) but they certainly don’t have an obligation to and the fact that they don’t is not proof positive that the person is “sad and desperate.” Perhaps the person is just different than you, and makes different decisions than you would.

              3. “Staying with someone who lied and cheated is sad and desperate.”

                 That is your opinion. Everyone here is free to make the decision that is best for her. Those choices include both telling your partner to eff off and staying with your partner no questions asked, as well as every possible scenario that lies in between those two extremes.

                 I agree with everyone who said we should be supportive of each other. Especially when “Help’s” decision in no way affects your ability to make choices.

              4. Given the context, this may be one of the most judgemental and insensitive things I’ve ever read on this blog.

              5. I completely agree that marriage vows should be respected, and the devastating reality is that sometimes they aren’t.
                 I also completely agree that the other party have every right to tell the cheater to F off, and they also have every right to make a different decision.

                 I want help to feel supported in whatever decision she makes because she knows herself and her husband and her situation better than we do. I *don’t want* her thread to be populated with aggressive comments.

              6. Different choices are right for different people. Sometimes that means trying to work it out with someone who broke your heart and your trust. Sometimes it means leaving. I think taking such an absolutist view of the world is unrealistic.

              7. I agree that what anon today was harsh but when women post here they should get all sides. Everyone has an opinion and by posting, you’re asking for others to chime in. Support isn’t always agreeing with the choice you’ve made, it’s also letting someone know there are other options as well. All the ladies seem to think help should go to therapy and work it out with her husband, not everyone thinks that’s best and are telling her. Seeing another side is helpful when going through a crisis, no matter how hard it is to hear in the moment.

              8. I used to have that perspective when I was younger. And I think that the position made 100% sense then. When you are envisioning a relationship, it should have lofty goals. And when you are new to a relationship, a betrayal of this sort should lead to it crumbling.

                 But after having spent more than a decade of building a very strong foundation, I no longer have the view that an earthquake of this size means I automatically walk away from what I have built without really taking the time to reflect on the extent of the damage.

                 This isn’t to say that I would stay. I may very well conclude that the facts and circumstances are such that the marriage is a total loss and cannot be repaired. However, as I have gotten older and my husband and I have built more history, I have more that I can imagine could be used to rebuild trust. I also no longer put fidelity on such a pedestal. There are many, many ways trust can be violated in a marriage and few of them draw such knee-jerk responses as to what the injured party should do.

                 As for what you teach your children — I think there are worse lessons to teach(should they ever figure it out) than that you can accept human fallibility and offer forgiveness if the other party is willing to do the work to earn it.

              9. as an educated, professional woman, one thing I most appreciate about marriage today is that it’s increasingly being freed from any one or traditional definition and that we can negotiate those definitions for ourselves. you present a particular definition of marriage. other definitions aren’t automatically sad and desperate, they may be carefully constructed by people who have entirely different values from you… just as one example, some people view the idea of even making marriage vows as antiquated.

              10. This isn’t condoning cheating, it’s recognizing that marriage is complicated, people are imperfect, and deciding to try to forgive and rebuild is a valid choice.

              11. I co-sign Dealcube.

           2. Wrong. Life is short. Too short to trifle with cheaters, unless you truly want to salvage the relationship and (in this case) he truly wants to regain her trust.

           3. Agreed 100%.

              1. Wait, that was meant to be a response to lawsuited’s initial comment. Lots of people have commented since then, but just wanted to throw my hat in the ring with the “there’s nothing wrong with staying with a spouse who cheated and trying to work it out” crowd. There only two people in the whole world who know what the inside of any marriage really looks like (leaving out polyamorous/plural marriages) and so there is no way to judge another’s choice. Honestly, if my husband cheated, I hope I’d behave just like help. She seems remarkably clear-eyed and collected.

        2. Probably too late for my response to be read by many, but I do want to chime in. I actually appreciate anon at 10:22am’s comments, and didn’t take it as non-supporting or offensive. Sometimes, you want to hear harsh words, to shock you out of your comfort zone so to speak. I consider all of the comments here, but know ultimately I’m the one with the full information about our marriage and get to make the decision.
           Two days ago, I’d probably feel the same if another woman is in my situation. But, when I’m actually in the middle of it, I didn’t even find it hard to commit to work on this problem. Why? Because this is a man with whom I have shared my life with for 8 years. I witnessed how he behaved in this marriage and felt his love for me and this family through his everyday actions. He is a good husband and a good daddy. He’s even a very good son-in-law to my parents. Maybe not exemplary, but how many of us are? He’s banked quite some goodwill in our relationship over the years, and this one big withdrawal hasn’t depleted it all YET. I don’t trust him now, but I’m making room for that possibility in the future. And I’m doing it for myself, not because I feel obligated to do so.

           1. Help, I just want to hug you. My husband and I have been married 7 years, together 13. He is also an amazing husband and son-in-law and pet owner. We have invested so much in our lives together, moved for each other, planned careers around each other, etc. that I hope if I were ever in your shoes I would react the same way. My gut instinct is that unless my safety were in danger, I would try to make it work with him. You are not alone in feeling like you want to stay and try. Also, random aside, my husband also grew up in Asia but he doesn’t travel there for business!

           2. I second TBK. You seem remarkably clear-eyed and collected. Lots of cyber love and support!

           3. Help, big hugs and internet support to you.

              I’m not sure I’d be as forgiving in your shoes, but I think that says more about me and my issues than it does about the “validity” of staying or going. I hope that if I ever find myself in this situation, that I will handle it with as much poise and perspective as you seem to be.

              My best thoughts to you and you family as you give your husband the opportunity to earn back your trust. Above all, please make sure you take are of yourself.

           4. My dear, I feel for you and wish you all the good luck in working through this, whatever you decide.

              One thing I do want to say is: if your husband doesn’t make a good faith effort to improve don’t feel like you should stay just because you’ve already had 8 years with him. That’s the classic sunk cost fallacy.

              Just because you have spent N years with someone and had X number of kids with them is on its own, not enough of a reason to stay if their bad behavior isn’t changing.

              The worst scenario is, in my opinion, you spend another 5yrs with him, hoping he’ll change, he makes some half-hearted efforts to make surface but not real changes, and you convince yourself things are actually better when they’re actually not, and then he slips and breaks your heart again. You’ll just have wasted 5 more years with someone who isn’t fully invested in the marriage.

              I think you should give yourself a timeline. Only you know what that can be. 1 yr, 2yrs, etc. If he doesn’t make enough change in himself to make you feel like you can trust him, cut him loose. For your own sake and for his sake. Don’t let this be an open-ended thing. Your time is precious.

    11. I would not talk with the ex, a 3-way conversation will just cause more damage. This is between you and your DH, and she has no right to be included in ANYTHING related to your relationship and your marriage. Asking her to be a part of the discussion might legitimize her in some way in her head and in DH’s head, and she is not a legitimate partner in your marriage.

        I think you should go to some counseling alone first to try to sort through your feelings about this. For me, I don’t know that I would ever trust DH again if he did this. What would it take to re-build your trust? Are those steps worth it? For example, if you would require to see his email, monitor his phone, and set a curfew/not allow him to travel, would he resent you so much and you have so little respect for him that all these measures wouldn’t work? Yes, he screwed up, and if you decide to fix it, you need concrete steps. But sometimes, the cure is worse than the disease. I would bring these issues up in counseling alone, and then go to couples counseling. The other thing you need to figure out is why he did this. You said you thought you had the perfect marriage, so if you’re able to get back to that place, could he have the motivation to do this again?

        I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and I think you should take whatever steps you need for yourself and your child to deal with it.

        1. “she is not a legitimate partner in your marriage.” –> THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.

    12. Oops, my tome of a response ended up below.

        1. THIS THIS THIS to your comment though, you are spot-on with you story about BFF, and spot-on that OP should not compare herself to exSO!

        2. Thanks SF Bay Associate! This is why I’m finding this community to be so helpful. You’ve spelled out my inkling that this is an ego-boosting thing for him, and illustrated with another real life example. dh has been progressing very well in his career, and is aiming high. His trip to Asia, I think, is almost a homecoming for him (he grew up in HK) because he’s there doing business, giving speeches etc. That might be why he agreed and wants to meet her ex after 10 years (yes, they haven’t contacted each other for 10 years!), because he is now in a much better situation powerwise! When they broke up, he was just a poor student.

           I was born here, and my understanding is being “faithful” in marriage can be interpreted very differently in HK, as in if the husband provides for his family, he’s allowed to stray and have occasional ONS, so long as he eventually returns home. Stigma associated with affairs is much less there. (Forgive me if I’m generalizing here). Being brought up in that society, probably also triggered his behaviour this time without realizing how much of a big deal this is !

           1. Stop making excuses for him! Make up your mind and decide if cheating is okay for you and not him. It’s yes or no. It seems like you won’t leave him so just accept the cheating as you think it’s acceptable behavior in his culture and move on. Also make sure you explain to your daughter that cheating is fine as long as the “culture” promotes it.

              1. Yikes.

           2. help, your excuse making is excruciating to read. its a big deal everywhere. dont make excuses for him please. nothing triggered him. he didnt take one drink to many he had an affair! he did it on purpose, with intent, and hid it from you. if you didnt discover it, he would be having sex with her everytime he went over there. honestly, he still probably will from everything you’ve said.

           3. You have to stop making excuses for him. You’re rationalizing it to yourself, which is completely understandable because it makes more sense to you this way. You need to work through this with a good therapist who can help you realize YOU ARE WORTH IT. Plain and simple. You are worth it and his behavior doesn’t recognize that and you shouldn’t cater to that notion.

           4. Help: cheating is a big deal in HK or Asia. If you want to tell yourself that it isn’t, that is ok, but that doesn’t make it true.

              You are describing rich guy/ utterly dependent wife scenario in HK which reads ” husband can do as he likes provided wife can live in luxury and buy lots of gucci and lv”.

              That is not how the average family lives.

           5. Even if his HK culture allowed for cheating under the American definition, he has been in a relationship with and married to an American woman for eight years, and been living in America and exposed to American media for years. Recent national cheating scandals include Tiger Woods, Elliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Kobe Bryant, and even Kristen Stewart, plus the legendary cheating of Bill Clinton. There is NO WAY that your husband does not know that cheating in this culture, your culture, the culture of the country he lives in, is wrong. His behavior wasn’t “triggered” – he chose to cheat with the woman in HK who knows how many times, and he chose to lie to you about it. What you decide to do next is up to you, but I do strongly feel that the only smart path forward is honesty, both to yourself and from him.

              1. To all ladies above – ouch! This is hard to swallow. I was holding my breath while reading. But thank you, for helping me stand my ground, and not make more excuses for him!

    13. Im so sorry for all this. But you don’t need proof. He fucked her. Im sorry to say it bluntly but I feel like he is manipulating you with all this “oh I just am so bad at saying no!” The fact that he is not admiting that contanting her everyday, staying with her for 5 days, made up a seperate email address, is comforting a woman who is not his wife by saying “get ready for me physically” would be the ultimate dealbreaker for me. Worst than a one night stand, this is a full on affair that he is trying to get you to believe is nothing more than friends. Its disgusting. If you want to work it out with him, therapy is so necessary, as is him taking responsibilities for breaking your heart and your trust. I have been thinking about you since you posted and wishing that peace comes soon for you

        1. Im so sorry for all this. But you don’t need proof. He f*cked her. Im sorry to say it bluntly but I feel like he is manipulating you with all this “oh I just am so bad at saying no!” The fact that he is not admiting that contanting her everyday, staying with her for 5 days, made up a seperate email address, is comforting a woman who is not his wife by saying “get ready for me physically” would be the ultimate dealbreaker for me. Worst than a one night stand, this is a full on affair that he is trying to get you to believe is nothing more than friends. Its disgusting. If you want to work it out with him, therapy is so necessary, as is him taking responsibilities for breaking your heart and your trust. I have been thinking about you since you posted and wishing that peace comes soon for you

    14. So sorry that this is happening to you. I saw your earlier posts and thought ‘heavens, this lady is a really cool cucumber and brave too’. I didn’t have anything then on top of all the good advice you were already getting but this time : is it really a good idea to meet the ex ? Leaving aside your husband’s intentions and actions, this person has already shown no respect for your marriage or her own. If you do decide to make a go of it with your husband, circle the wagons and don’t give her anything else on either of you.

    15. His story about not being able to say no to her is iffy to me as well because of the great lengths he has gone to in hiding the conduct. My DH immediately told me when an ex wanted to meet up for lunch. I can’t imagine him hiding that he spent 5 days in a foreign city with an ex.

        1. Uh-huh. My DH just asked me last night if I was comfortable with him traveling alone with his female coworker for a short business trip. The fact that he asks me makes me not worry at all. If he was vague about who else was going and I found out later, I’d be more uncomfortable about it. It’s the openness thing.

    16. So, something similar happened to my parents after many, many years of marriage. (I was an adult living away from home so my mother confided in me and I got involved. Young siblings were still living at home). My father strongly felt that because he had not had sex with someone else, there was no “cheating and that my mother’s reaction was overblown. I had to explain that regardless of his definition of “cheating”, to my mother, having a secret and intimate relationship with another woman was cheating, so that was the definition that we all had to use. After many conversations, he stopped rationalizing his behaviour and we focused on how he could begin to earn my mother’s trust again.
        My father went to therapy and found that internet addiction and poor work performance were contributing factors to his cheating. We took the approach that no “diagnosis” would excuse the cheating, but it did help my father know where to start in terms of modifying his behaviour to prevent something like that happening in the future. My father worked very hard at changing his life and behaviour to be more involved with the work that sustains him and the family who loves him rather than the internet. My mother was very forgiving and helpful to the man who had shaken her faith in her life’s work. It was difficult and sometimes still is, but 3 years later they’re happy again.

        1. I should add that my mother chose to try to mend things rather than leave, because my parents had been married many, many years, had children living at home, she felt that my father still loved her and our family very much, and she was comfortable with her choice. You DON’T have to choose that.

        2. Wow, great approach!

        3. This is such a great story. I think it’s a mistake to say “he cheated therefore he is scum.” Oftentimes there are other things going on with a person who cheats. As you say, this doesn’t excuse the cheating and the cheater needs to work very, very hard to reestablish trust, but we’re all human and we sometimes make horrible, life-shattering mistakes. There is nothing wrong with giving someone a chance to make amends for a mistake like that.

    17. Thanks for keeping us posted, and I’m glad you find this forum helpful! So sorry you’re dealing with this, but you sound so strong.

        As others have said, I think the other woman is of no use to you, and you should not speak with her. I think therapy for your DH, by himself, is a great plan (and for you, by yourself). There’s clearly some unresolved issue on his part. If he’s generally a bit of a pushover, maybe this was his way to stand up for himself? If so, he needs a healthy outlet. I hope he is able to find some activities that really make him feel good about himself – which, in turn, should make him feel better toward you and should make him a better DH.

        Hope your daughter is doing well. Lots of e-hugs.

    18. Dont meet with the ex. She is going to love it, seriously. And she’ll either say nothing happened, because she loves your husband and he told her to say that. the second your done talking to her your husband will call her and thank her. or she’ll gloat about it right to your face. Either way, she is going to love it and it will make her feel that she is a part of your marriage and make her think that your husband is disrespectful to you but they are honest with each other. so your husband lies to you but not to her because she is special.

    19. I have some suggestions assuming you want to stay together and work on it:

        1. Accept his explanation, but assume the worst. In other words, if you are staying with him because of his explanation, but wouldn’t stay with him if he had gone “all the way”, just assume he “went all the way.” If you still want to work it out after “knowing” he went all the way, do it.

        2. Expect the rollercoaster. You may feel calm about the decision now, and freak out/flip out in a year and a half or so for no particular reasons. All normal, and expect it.

        3. He has to agree to cater to your every insecurity at this point. There has to be a point where you return to normal, but for a much time as it takes you, 6 months, a year, you get to dictate how things will go, and he gets to follow along. Obviously it can’t stay that way forever, but it will eventually taper out.

        4. Set a time to have a blow out conversation in a couple of weeks about the specifics of the affair. In the interim, write down every question you have for him. Spend 5 hours going over every single question, whatever you want to ask, and then don’t talk about the specifics of the affair again… Start moving forward.

        5. I would not meet the ex. This isn’t about her, it’s about him. and you. What to focus on now is working on your relationship going forward and working on yourselves individually (more for him than you).

        Sorry this happened to you and best of luck!

    20. I’d be careful about how I talked about this with “real life” family and friends. It can be hard for others to understand/support you if they hear all the details about what he did and then the two of you get back together and they have to act like things are okay around him. It can forever color their opinion of him, especially since they don’t have as many other positives of him (that you presumably have).

        1. I agree with this, sadly.

           As you can see from the posts here, there are people who will overlay their own views of what a relationship should be on the situation and judge you by those standards. (I am sure there are others who would have similarly nasty thoughts about a woman who just walked without trying to work through the relationship as well.)

           You do not owe it to your husband to save him from other’s judgment of his behavior, but until you have decided for yourself what your response is, I would refrain talking this out with people who may not respect your decision in the future if it does not conform with their hypothesis of what they would do in your shoes.

    21. I had a similar situation with an ex-BF, so not the same emotional investment by any means. He also hadn’t seen the Asian “ex” while we were dating, he just hadn’t really broken up with her either. He had continued to talk to her regularly and email with her the entire time we were dating.

        When I found out, it took a week plus of conversations where his story kept changing slightly. He said the sme stuff about her not being able to handle being let sdown etc. Honestly, he and I. Continue to have friends in common so I continue know things about his life, and I believe that he thought that. Yor husband may as well. But for myself, given we weren’t married, I felt that even with the best of intentions, I wanted to be with someone who put my feelings before his ex’s. And whatever you decide, you deserve tht too. Its possible that due to cultural reasons he might not understand what that means to you, but he an learn if you decide to stay.

        As for his story, I hate to say it but I agree with pp that he probably cheated. My ex had seen his ex under similar circumstances just before we started dating, and they had gotten physical. That to me was the final straw that made it clear she must have thought they were still together and wold see each other at the next opportunity either had to travel. She didn’t even know I existed, and he was asking me to move in and talking about marriage!

        As you continue your healing process, one thing I came to realize was tht it was the daily white lies he told to cover up the conversations that bugged me the most. I’m just pointing it out b/c thet may seem minor compared to the bigger picture, but that daiy unease may be something you want to explore in therapy.

    22. There has been a lot of discussion about whether he “actually” cheated (i.e. had s*x) or just carried on this correspondence. To me, it wouldn’t matter if the relationship had been, ahem, consumated. His behavior constitutes an emotional affair, and that – to me – would be far more hurtful.

        If you want to make it work, you’ll have to decide whether you can trust him again, which seems like it comes down to whether you think this particular ex is a unique situation unlikely of repetition, or if you think he may be so needy or so hungry for flattery that he would seek out this type of attention again in the future.

    23. No advice, just hugs. I’m so sorry you’re in this $h!tty situation.

    24. im glad you posted again, i was worried.

    25. I know its really late in the day and you may not see this reply, but I wanted to send some love and just say this really s*cks big time. Also remember that finding out something like this is a lot like dealing with a death, you’re going to go through the stages of grief. Right now, you’re bargaining — you’re trying to figure out “why”. There may not be a why — or at least not a why that’ll make it okay. It doesn’t mean your marriage is over. Marriages survive infidelity all the time. But its not usually because the couple figures out the “why” and fixes it — its because they find a way to forgive and move past it and to trust again.

        May I suggest not making any huge life decisions today or tomorrow? Just be with people who love you, try to cope, and let yourself be as angry, upset, mad, sad, or whatever you need to be? I’ll be thinking of you.

11. The second: how do you decide when your car is just not worth it anymore? I live someplace where I need a car, but–ugh. Mine broke down for the third time since January yesterday. Not including scheduled stuff like new tires and oil changes, I will have spent about $2,000 repairing it since then. It’s worth in the $10,000-$12,000 range. I like the car itself okay, and it has the virtue of being mine free and clear, but I’ve never had a vehicle that seems to break down this flippin’ frequently! And if I’m honest with myself, I don’t need an SUV (even though mine’s a small one); I could get around perfectly fine in a Civic-sized vehicle. Ugh. Thoughts?

    1. For me, it’s when the costs of fixing it outweigh the costs of a new car. If you negotiate hard, you can get a lease on a new Civic for less than $200/month. That’s much less than you’ve been paying for repairs. I’m also a big fan of leasing — you can also think about the costs of buying a new or gently used Civic outright. There’s also the emotional and mental value of having a car that’s not breaking down all the time, so factor that in as well.

       1. I agree with Fiona about getting something newer when you start being worried all the time about your own car breaking down at inconvenient times.

          Of course, keeping a car and making repairs is usually cheaper financially than making payments on something new (I am sure you won’t be spending $2K every year on repairs, unless your vehicle is an expensive to fix Mercedes or something.)

          However, there are also gasoline costs to think about. Driving a small SUV is more expensive for fuel than a new Civic would be.

          My car is 11 years old, but with low mileage. (I barely drove it during law school) I am reluctant to get rid of it because repair costs have been low, but I also am starting to worry if my “year of $2K in repairs” is coming. Yikes!

       2. I think a lot of that decision depends on your approach to money. For me, it was less emotionally/mentally taxing to have a known monthly car payment and not worry about big ticket repairs than to keep going in to check on that rattle/check engine light/shaking and play “Will this cost me $200 or $2000?” roulette. That’s not the case for everyone though and certainly if I’d been in an accident in my new car and had to pay repairs under my (high) deductible, things would have been REALLY tight.

          I’m sure this is dependent on your geography but my sister recently negotiated financing on a new civic and pays about $220/month. She did not plan to buy new but the price difference was such that it didn’t make sense to buy used (civics seem to hold their value well in her area). I’m totally jealous because while I have a “nicer” car from a model standpoint, mine is 10 years old while she has bluetooth and all kinds of fancy stuff in hers, plus she gets great gas mileage :)

          1. I am in the same boat. I hate having a car in the shop. I can barely handle the hassle of oil changes and new tires. I would rather make a monthly payment knowing my car is reliable then have to pay the car repair roulette wheel. My car is almost paid off and now I wlil be in the when do I trade it in boat.

       3. Is the car one that should last otherwise, if you keep up the maintenance? Has it been in several accidents in the past, so prior “dings” are going to lead to more long term costs?

          I tend to be frugal. The experts say if the repairs (and their inconvenience) cost less then buying/leasing a new car, then you should think about keeping it. Especially if your car is a solid model that should last for years if you keep it going. I would favor increasing your retirement accounts or your shoe budget (!) or your social life, rather then throwing away thousands on a new car. But if money is ?no object (generally not the case…) or your car is also a big pleasure for you, then only you can balance the pros/cons. Of course, we don’t know what repairs you had done and why…. that has a big effect on the decision.

          I have had a similar issue. I have a older Toyota Camry, and just put $1000 into the car. Part of me was like…. ugh… this is it! But when I honestly stepped back, I realized it didn’t make financial sense. I should be better about taking care of scheduled maintenance (I mean everything… not just oil changes), and this expense is still much less then getting a new/another car. This car is a rock, and could last me another 10 years. Why throw REAL money away?

    2. Not a car expert, but $2000 year-to-date maintenance on a $10,000 car seems excessive. Aren’t you going abroad soon (Spain?)? I’d say sell it when you leave, bank the cash, and then pay cash for a reliable but inexpensive beater when you get back to the States.

    3. Fix it up. Start saving a small amount each month and trade it in. Get something smaller and more reliable! You could get a nice used Civic or Camry for $15k

    4. If the repair costs are less than a car payment, then I stay with repair.

       Factor in some extra $ for missed work, depending on friends’ goodwill, rental, etc., while car is in for repair.

    5. I would also think about how badly you need reliable transportation. Do you drive long distances in potentially isolated places? At night? If so, I think it would be a good idea to start looking. Breaking down 3 times in 7 months is a lot.

    6. A couple of things I would consider – how old is this car? I find that there are certain times/milestones in a car’s “life” where it just needs alot of repairs/maintenance. Or are these all random/inexplicable fixes that are needed? On a related note – do you have a good, reliable mechanic you can talk to? I’m fortunate that I live in the same area I grew up in and still go to the mechanic my parents took their cars to. If he tells me that my car is a piece of sh*t and needs to be replaced before it dies on me, then I believe him. A good mechanic should be able to give you some idea of whether your car is a lemon and needs to be replaced or is a good car that needs some work in order to last a long time.
       Other than that, I agree with everyone else that you need to look at the financial factors. What can you reasonably afford each month for a car payment? Do you have any money set aside that you can use for a down payment? What can you get for the car as a trade-in? If you figure all that out you should be able to get a $$ amount that you can spend on a new the car and determine if you can then get a better car than what you currently have.

12. Haaa. I saw that jacket earlier today and loved it. They have it in gray and black as well. The UK Asos site has it in six gorgeous solid colors, so I am hoping they’ll release the additional colors in the US as well.

13. Going anon for this one……..Any advice from anyone who’s had bed bugs? I have some bites and last night discovered what I believe is a bed bug in between my mattress and boxspring. After further inspection, found a few more in box spring. Obviously, very freaked out about this. I called my apartment manager last night and he is going into my apartment today to inspect. I left my apartment last night to stay at the BFs. We inspected my BFs apartment and didn’t find any evidence there and he does not have any bites. I only took necessary clothes and have since washed in hot water and dryed everything that I took from my apartment. I also left my purse at my apartment and only took my wallet, keys, and cell phone. I am waiting to hear back from my apt manager this morning. I know there are exterminators who specialize in bed bugs, which i’m going to insist on. Any advice on dealing with this and how you cleaned clothes/shoes/bags afterwards?? Ahhh I feel so so gross :(

    1. oh no. I could write a novel about this, but if you post an anon email address, I can email you the tips I learned. I had a fairly horrible experience and don’t want to out myself since some of my coworkers read this site.

       1. Thanks, L. That would be great. Here’s my email: corporetteanon123@gmail.com

          1. Sent! If you need anything else, just yell. Do not freak out when you see how long my email is. You will be okay!!

    2. No advice from experience, but I’m incredibly sorry. And know that bed bugs have NOTHING to do with you being gross or not clean enough – they are superbugs and can get into almost any environment.

       I’ve never had bed bugs but everything I’ve heard about them says you should wash everything that can be washed in super hot water, and take everything that can’t and put it in sealed trashbags outside in the summer (at least it’s summer time!) under blazing sun. That should be enough to kill anything that’s gotten into luggage, etc, that can’t be easily washed. I know my friend who had bed bugs had to have her carpets replaced. Your landlord in most places is legally obligated to deal with this – I’d try and make sure that once you think you’re “clean” the landlord will arrange for an exterminator with a bed bug sniffing dog to come in so you can have some peace of mind.

    3. Another poster posted anon about this same issue a week or two ago. Maybe you two can exchange emails and provide support to each other. I have no experience but I wish you the best. Hopefully you caught them early and they die quick!

    4. We had them, and it s-cks. Never had a bad case because ours was from a neighbor and it was spill over only from the neighbor (I only ever saw 2 and not in the bed). You need to make sure of the status of your apt neighbors because even if you get treated and they are coming from a neighbor they WILL come back. Our nightmare ended when the bad neighbor moved out. I was really grossed out but it is not you they are common and everywhere. I think the chemical treatments work but you will do a lot of work cleaning your clothes and stuff. Do you have a washer/dryer? You can put things in the dryer on high for 20-30 minutes and that kills BBs and their eggs. Then put the clean stuff in big plastic bags. Ziploc makes these giant plastic bags (google giant ziplocs). I used a system where I had a bag for “dirty” (i.e. not heated) clothes and would each night take off those clothes I was wearing and put in the dirty bag. I would get dressed last minute before leaving the house from a clean bag of clothes.

       The exterminator may require you to “prep” by heat-treating and bagging all your clothes. They then spray a few times over the course of a few weeks. Often a dog is used to come and check for presence. When we felt we were finally done, we had an independent dog come sniff and were cleared. I still kept stuff in bags for months after.

       Things that helped me feel better: caulk around your baseboards as they can hide there or be coming in through there (see, e.g., my bad neighbor). You can dust a little diatomaceious earth around cracks in the floor etc. It slowly kills BB as it cuts up their outside skeleton and dehydrates them. Vacuum a lot. Get one (i used two) of those mattress covers. If you have an old wood bed get rid of it – they like wood. I bought a metal bedframe and ditched the box spring because they love to hide there (wood).

       I have to say it sort of crushed my spirit a little as a person who is all about neatness and cleanliness. But I survived and got over it. I reiterate my advice that your apt neighbors be checked and treated if necessary.

    5. I am so sorry you are going through this. As others have pointed out, it is not a reflection of your lack of cleanliness. I manage a 4 unit apartment building that was infested with bed bugs. Heat treatment is the most effective way to kill them, which I did for all 3 infested units (I had 1 vacant unit at the time and the bed bugs weren’t in it because there was nothing for them to hand out on). It is much more expensive than chemical treatments but they are gone in 1 day rather then waiting weeks for them to die off.
       I hate to say this but I was told that if you are seeing bed bugs and seeing bites, you have a bad infestation. The apartment in my building that was seeing the bugs had them in all their beds and the bugs were HUGE. The other apartments in the building also had them but they were not visible to the eye and the tenants were not aware they had them until I told them (I had a dog come in and check all apartments).
       Everything that can go through the washing machine should be washed on the highest heat setting possible and dried on the highest heat setting possible. If you are going to continue staying at your BF’s until treated, stay away from your bed. They are hitchhikers, so if you sit on your bed, they will travel with you to their next nest. Everything you take out of your apartment should at least be run through the dryer. It is very difficult to see baby bed bugs and their eggs.
       Good luck!!

14. Thank you for letting us know. It feels so nosy to be requesting updates, but I hope you construe it as support and caring. I haven’t been in your shoes and *don’t know you or your husband,* so I’ll just throw in a bill of Monopoly money based on my BFF’s experience, which I vividly experienced second hand. From what you’ve told us – not for a second do I believe that 1) things didn’t get physical, 2) that she didn’t stay with him in the hotel, 3) that he hasn’t done this before, and 4) that he’s going to cut off all contact permanently.

    My BFF’s ex acted very similarly about his exSO – caught with emails and texts, she lives a flight away, he travels there on business, refused to admit anything physical happened, swore he’d never talk to her again. The thing was, he LIKED having his exSO pining over him in Far Far Away, so he could mentally run away with her every time things in his real relationship with my BFF got complicated by everyday life, and LIKED having this woman, who was engaged, so excited to see HIM that she’d cheat on her “real” relationship. What an ego stroke. So he’d swear to my BFF to never talk to exSO again, and it would last a couple months, and then exSO would initiate contact again and the cycle would begin anew. This happened probably a half dozen times over several years, he’d cheat, he’d get caught, he’d beg forgiveness, BFF would forgive him, there would be a period where he was faithful, and then he’d cheat again with exSO. They even went to marital counseling, and the cycle would just stretch out longer… a longer period without cheating before he cheated again.

    One of the “caught” times, my BFF insisted on talking to the exSO. That was a terrible idea – the other woman didn’t act respectful of my BFF’s relationship (duh), and just ended up making my BFF have even worse self esteem. Meeting her in person made BFF pick apart everything about the exSO and herself, comparing each other, trying to figure out whyyyyyyyy he would cheat on her with the exSO. She’s prettier? uglier? Better b–bs? Nicer bum? Smarter? Dumber? BFF’s self esteem was destroyed for months, especially after he cheated yet again. Plus, the exSO LIKED knowing she had power over my BFF’s happiness because it made her feel like the SO cared about her, because he was willing to hurt his “official” SO to “be with” the exSO, so she exploited her opportunity when meeting with BFF. I cannot emphasize enough what a disaster it was for my BFF.

    The issue was never about the other woman. It was about my BFF’s SO and his ego and his refusal to stop stringing along two women.

    1. I agree completely.

    2. Yup, this is so true. I had a friend who went through something similar, and shegot sucked into looking at the other woman on FB and obsessively critiquing or complimenting her pictures. It really made the whole thing worse.

    3. This. So well said.

    4. +1000.

15. My husband, who is very much alive, received a letter yesterday from American Express, stating that they have learned he is dead, that they have cancelled his account and want to make arrangements for payment of the balance. When he called, the only thing they said was that it was a mistake. Duh! One wonders how this kind of mistake can happen.

    1. Crazy. I work in an estate office, and have seen the scam where a “credit” company will send a letter to the executor or family of a deceased person claiming the deceased person owed them $X. Sometimes they even filter it through a law office so it looks all official. I think they get the names from legal notices.

    2. My comment disappeared but also doesn’t say it is in moderation, so I’m sorry if it appears twice.

       Has he checked his credit report? It’s worth doing to make sure this isn’t a larger issue than just 1 company’s mistake.

       It’s a creepy mistake too!

    3. does he have a somewhat common name? Or do him and his father share a name? I’ve found that this can sometimes cause the kirfuffle.

       1. This. My husband has one of the most common names in the country, and companies that do searches by name/birth date and not SSN often get him confused with others.

          It’s not fun.

16. Has anyone tried this awesome dress on? I love the way it looks, but wondering if it’s too much for work:

    http://www.jcrew.com/womens_feature/NewArrivals/dresses/PRDOVR~15874/15874.jsp

    1. Haven’t tried it on but lurves it. I’d have to see it on to make the call re work. Would definitely put a belt w/ it, though.

       1. Lurvie lurve lurve lurrrrve it! If it was available in my size it would be on its way to me right now so I could rock it at work. I agree with Herbie re: belt.

    2. Wow. I love that. It’s almost my perfect black dress (if it came in more colours it might be an almost perfect dress for me generally). I think you could wear it for work if you wore a non-black blazer and non-black shoes, although you’d have to see it in person to check the fabric.

       1. Boden has it in other colors.

          1. Unfortunately Boden hates Canada :( But thanks for the tip.

             1. Grrrrr to Boden.

    3. How is it too much for work? It’s a plain black ponte dress. Not snarking, asking seriously because I realize my office dress (non)code is different from most people’s.

       I will say, I bought a similar dress from H&M last year. Much lower quality (I hope!) and maybe a bit longer, but basically the same shape. I don’t really wear it much because it just makes me feel like a big block of black. I have a short sleeve black ponte dress that doesn’t make me feel that way. So I’d consider whether you’re okay with big block of black or are maybe very good at accessorizing to break it up a bit. But I do think it’s a nice dress.

       1. The skirt is pretty full — which strikes me as almost partyish full, and not work full, if that makes sense. That would be my hesitation.

       2. PollyD, I’d just want to see how clingy/forgiving the fabric is.

    4. I love that dress!

    5. Wow! I lurve it. Am now debating whether to wait for a sale or coupon code, or just get it now.

    6. I love it, but it does look a little partyish for work. I might wear it to work with a cropped jacket, though.

       1. I tried on this dress at JCrew yesterday and loved it– I ended up buying it! It’s very flattering and I see it being very versatile. I think you could definitely wear it to work. While the skirt is definitely a-line, it’s not so full as to be more “party” than “professional”

    7. I love it! please, please buy it and report back!!

17. Enough with the peplum-anything! :)

    1. Agreed!

18. I’m starting a low glycemic diet – anyone have suggestions for good resources?

    1. The South Beach Diet website and cookbooks.

    2. I had good luck with Sugar Busters.

19. I’m dreaming that a job application I’ve put in will result in at least an interview. It’s for a secretary position at the 09 grade in a government agency that I really really want to work for. If I understand the government grade system, it is a step down for me – but I really want to work in the agency and hope that with my foot in the door, I can impress them and move upwards in a year or two.

    I’m having a hard time figuring out what to wear for the interview. The last time I interviewed for something like this, I was going in at the executive assistant level, so wore a patterned black suit. But that was on the West Coast, in a completely different industry. The suit I would wear this time is a charcoal grey, which I’d accessorize with black patent shoes and a colorful top and jewelry.

    I am afraid that if I wear a full suit, I will look too powerful, too ‘authoritative’ for this position. But I also want to impress them as a valuable resource that they’ll be happy to have in *any* capacity. Any thoughts? Patterned dress and a black blazer? Charcoal blazer, The Skirt in muted purple? Brown plaid suit (it sounds better than it looks, honest)?

    1. I don’t want to crush you, but are you a veteran? If your not, you are not going to get an 09 admin position. If they receive any veteran applications, they can’t even look at your application.

       1. Not a veteran, but I do have non-competitive appointment eligibility (in addition to really amazing qualifications for this precise job) – keeping my fingers crossed.

       2. I don’t know if this is admin specific but my husband was hired to a grade 09 position from outside the agency and he is not a veteran. His position is not admin though.

    2. Clothing – depends on the agency. But a suit with a slightly less formal top would probably be fine. Or the dress and blazer.

       Also, know that there is room for negotiation (I am assuming this is federal government). If the job is limited in grade, you might have issues, but it’s absolutely fine to try to at least not have to take a pay cut. I was originally offered a grade/step that was $10K less than I was making, I took the job for about $5K more than I was making. And I regret not negotiating for more. I didn’t know about NGDGTCO then.

       Good luck!

       1. What is NGDGTCO, may I ask? I sense this is something “I should know…” tx

          1. Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office (a book of advice for professional women, take with a hearty grain of salt.)

       2. Thanks for that advice! It is with the feds. The grade is lower than where I would have placed myself as (I have a doctorate and thought that would place me more in the 10/11 grades), but the pay is roughly in the same range or slightly higher than what I was earning in the corporate world. I was going to argue for the higher end anyway, but this is a good reminder to not sell myself short. When I get that offer. :)

          1. More like 11-13 for a PhD… 11 with no experience. While it’s true that it’s easier to move around within a Fed agency than it is to get it, it’d be VERY hard to get up to the 12 or 13 you really should be at. You’d be missing several years of substantial pay differences.

          2. Yes, fight for what you deserve – they’re not going to revoke the offer, even if won’t go as high as you like on pay.

             Keep in mind that the level you go in at has a huge impact on your future advancement and pay. At the higher steps, you may have to be in a step for as long as 3 years before moving up to the next grade. This means 3 years at pretty much the exact same pay, (it can be really hard to skip steps/grades and there aren’t really significant bonuses in government, I think I got a “bonus” of 0.75% of my salary this year) seeing as all cost-of-living increases have been cancelled (at least for the past 2 or 3 years, and I bet they don’t reinstate them). There are also rumblings in Congress of having feds contribute more towards retirement, mandatory, so that will also lower your pay. Plus your “pension” which I put in quotes because I have no faith it will exist anymore by the time I retire, is determined by your highest level of pay. So be prepared to play a little hardball when it comes to salary.

    3. So, I don’t know what the different grades etc are in the US. I work in government in Canada and for us, “secretary,” “executive assistant,” and “administrative assistant” are all extremely different roles. Do you know more about the responsibilities of the job and the role of this position in the agency? I would be extremely careful about switching from an EA or advisor/analyst-type position to an admin assistant position, because while you will basically have your foot in the door, I don’t know if you would really get a chance to shine and switch to what you really want to do. It may rely on having a good mentor as a manager who knows your background and goals and will help you get there. If the position is more what we call “secretary” (working with an agency or commission, for example, but with an admin assistant working with you who does the more admin type stuff while you are writing reports, briefing management, etc..) then go for it.
       You might want to see if you have any contacts there or can get an informational interview (given how much you want to work there, I assume you know a little bit already about how work goes there — not just nominally the work they do).

    4. Dude, secretaries ARE powerful. Anyone who’s ever had one knows this well. You’re often the face of the operation, and who doesn’t want to be represented by a powerful suit-woman? Wear the suit, IMO. You’re applying to control the calendar, not sort the mail.

    5. I would wait and see if you even get referred. I recently scored 105/100 on a submission (had a hiring preference) for a job I did as a contractor (so, I filled Government Billet X as a contractor and was applying for that same billet number) and I *did not even get referred*. In my former agency, a huge percentage of the feds were former vets with a 10 point preference. Not trying to rain on the parade, but worrying about what to wear to an interview when you might not even get referred (and as far as I understand, even just being referred doesn’t mean you will get an in person interview) seems to be putting the cart before the horse a little. :-(

       1. I hear you. :) It’s trying to remain positive when there have been jobs that seem to have been written with me in mind – yes, I speak that language! yes, I have experience in that country! yes, I did that task for several years – that I’ve been rejected for already. I don’t want to say I’m glad to hear you got hit with the same thing – but it is nice to know that it isn’t just me. The job search can be hard on the esteem.

          Thanks to everyone who has chimed in with advice and additional information, particularly looking at the situation strategically vis-a-vis grades and salary levels. That’s very good to know. I’ll keep plugging away, and one of these days will check in with “here’s what I plan to wear to my first day on the new job”.
          (I feel like Scarlet O’Hara over-emoting in GWTW – but I’ll avoid a curtain-based outfit, I promise)

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