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Updated: Mar 30, 2022 296 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Pocket Tweed Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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A woman with black hair wearing a black jacket and black pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A cropped tweed jacket is a shockingly versatile piece. This one from Mango would pair beautifully with high-waisted wide-leg pants or a traditional sheath.

If you’re looking to wear an all-black outfit without it looking too suit-y, the texture of this blazer would pair perfectly with wool or cotton separates. (See Kat’s advice about wearing suit separates.)

The jacket is $99.99 at Mango and comes in sizes XXS–3XL.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    What are some of your favorite subreddits? I’ve always read some of the more popular ones such as AITA and some of the true crime ones. But, I’m looking for additional ones to follow.

    • Anon

      BestofRedditorUpdates
      Damnthatsinteresting
      Unexpected
      MadeMeSmile
      BeAmazed
      FairytaleasF$ck (spell it out)
      VintageLadyBoners
      MealPrepSunday
      askscience
      science
      aww

    • Anonymous

      MoneyDiariesActive! It’s a women-focused career and money community that is super supportive and interesting!

      Askculinary and Cooking for inspiration and ideas (no food porn or photos, though)

      CasualUK for the funniest banter around

    • Anon

      Skincare:

      30PlusSkinCare
      AsianBeauty (name is sketchy, but it’s Asian-based brands)
      KoreanBeauty (same as above)
      Skincare_Addiction
      SkincareAddiction (yes, both incarnations are active)
      tretinoin

      Professional:

      coding
      digitalnomad
      ExperiencedDevs
      girlsgonewired
      learnprogramming
      LinkedInLunatics (fun hate-reading)
      womenintech

      Personal Interests:

      Awwducational
      BuyItForLife
      CozyPlaces
      CozierPlaces
      DesignPorn
      GenX
      SavageGarden (carnivorous plants, NOT the band!)
      SmartChicksMakeBank
      TheresASubForThat
      TipOfMyFork
      UpliftingNews

    • Anon

      I find r/minimalism and r/nosurf and r/simpleliving super annoying but I’m interested in all these ideas and if anyone has better versions of these to recommend I’m all ears…

    • Anon

      Bestoflegaladvice
      Amitheasshole
      Relationship_advice
      Succession
      Realhousewives
      Bravorealhousewives
      Birding
      Whatisthisbird
      Knitting
      Cats
      Illegallysmolcats
      Whitepeopletwitter
      Skincare_addiction

      And, recently,
      Oscars

      • Anonymous

        This! It’s unfairly excoriated by the rest of cismen-dominated Reddit, but is really empowering and a safe, open forum to discuss terrible men without being buried under #notallmen and #youcantgeneralize

  2. Anon

    What are some of the best t-shirts and v-necks for casual or dressy casual wear? I need to update my summer wardrobe, and I always struggle with finding quality pieces. I have a larger chest and carry my weight in my stomach, so I would prefer something that is not overly clingy.

    • Cat

      JCrew Factory’s vintage cotton vneck tees are good for casual and not snug through the middle. Just avoid the lightest colors (sheer).

    • Anon

      Yesterday someone mentioned LL Bean pima cotton tees. I had some in the past and they are very silky, high quality and only gently fitted.

    • Anon

      I don’t have a similar body type but I really like the quality of Marine Layer swing tees and I think they might fit what you’re looking for.

    • Anonymous

      Duluth Trading Company has the best. Thick, real cotton and good length (come in plus, too).

    • Anon

      Their sizing runs small, but I love the Muji linen “sweater” things — I have a few and they are great for summer and the fit is “loose”

    • Anon

      I weirdly really like Amazon basics. I bought some tshirts postpartum when I wasn’t sure what shape or size I was and they were so flattering that I’ve kept wearing them. I mostly have the ones made of athletic fabric.

    • Curious

      I have a similar shape and like the Boden double layer t shirts. They have space for my 36G ish chest (40-41″) and then are tighter but not too tight around my waist (32-35″ depending on bloat, short waist and 49″ hips. The V neck is more flattering but the scoop is fine.

  3. Anon

    Ethical question: a girlfriend of mine, who has regretted moving to a different line of business last year, has decided to take an offer with a competing firm starting in Q3. She was fed up with the stress, the lack of organizational structure, and the hours — last straw was that she received essentially a 0.5% raise at our annual pay review, well less than inflation and certainly not reflective of her efforts. Her new position starting later this year has a 30% increase in base pay — amazing for her!

    Her manager knows about my friend’s dissatisfaction with everything as my friend has been very vocal about the issues she’s been having. Her manager keeps pestering her about what off-cycle pay increase will help keep her at the company. Manager doesn’t know that my friend has secured a new position elsewhere and my friend will not provide notice until a month before she’s leaving. Friend was trying to push off the raise conversation but her manager keeps bringing it up, and it sounds like the company will give her the raise she requests. Should she ask for a base pay raise now, knowing she’s leaving in a few months? At first I thought she should — she should be fairly compensated for her work, and she’s not at this time — but now I wonder if by asking for a raise she’s implying that she will not leave for another job.

      • Flats Only

        Plus, if for some other reason the new position falls through (we’re at the end of Q1 and it doesn’t start until Q3 = lots of time for things to change at the new org) at least she’ll have the extra money if she needs to stay where she is a bit longer.

        • Anon

          This exactly. Plus, depending on which state she’s in, a new company could require her to disclose her current salary during the interview process, and short change her in its offer. Just take the money so you’re on-record for having earned it.

          • Anne-on

            This. I got a raise before I took a new job and used the new base to negotiate into a higher band level at my now-current role.

    • Thistle whistle

      A better way to think of it is that the company will be paying her a salary that is commensurate with what she is doing, and will do so until she leaves. The fact that they have been underpaying her until now is irrelevant.

      Our CEO loves to tell how he had all salaries reviewed just before I started and that they “levelled things up”. My view is that I don’t care how much they adjusted some salaries before I started, I care about what they pay me now (not enough).

    • Ellen

      I had this issue when I was in my job serving subpeenies. I was making next to nothing and I got this great offer from the manageing partner, but it would not begin for 3 months b/c they had to clear out a retired partner’s office for me. So I needed to keep my health insurance at the subpeenie firm and could not tell them about the new job or I would not be covered in case I had a medical issue. They offered me a $15/week raise, so I took it, and they thought they were doing me a big favor.

    • Anon

      She should take the money; plus she is leaving for other reasons too, it’s not just the money.

    • Anon

      Agree with everyone else she should take the money. I thought the ethical question would be about accepting an offer from a competitor, while not disclosing to current employer and while intending to continue working at current employer for 3+ months. At my company, this could be considered a potential conflict of interest in violation of our standards of conduct all employees agree to.

      • Cat

        I responded above but agree with this being what I expected the question to be! FWIW if going to a competitor but not working in an area that’s competitively sensitive, probably less of a concern, but – any noncompete worries here??

    • Cornellian

      I would ask for the raise but maybe not push as hard as I would have otherwise. Like if she needed 20% to pay and they offer 15% I’d probably leave it. But I’m also conflict averse and bad at self advocacy.

    • Anon

      Can’t believe you would frame “should my friend be paid what she’s worth” as an ethical dilemma.

  4. Anon

    Seeking recommendation for estate planning attorney in Northern New Jersey. Pregnant with my second and really need to ‘do the thing’ and get a will in place…

    Thanks!

  5. Anonymous

    Recommendations for a solo weekend getaway in New England over Easter weekend? I’m spending the holiday weekend alone, and since 2020 I’ve had way too many solo holidays at home. I’m open to cities or outdoor adventure (hiking, etc), but my budget is pretty limited (no fancy resorts/spas). Last time I asked this board, I got great recommendations for New Paltz and Finger Lakes, and I thoroughly enjoyed both destinations. I don’t drink, but don’t mind spending on a nice meal. Thanks in advance!

    • Anne-on

      New England is pretty big – do you want to give us a range of states? In CT Saybrook, Essex, and Kent all have great downtowns with art/food. The Berkshires is obviously great as well. In VT I think Brattleboro is adorable and an easy drive if you’re coming from the Boston area. Not super familiar with NH or Rhode Island (aside from the Mill Street Inn in Newport which is fab).

    • Ellen

      You should go to Smith College (one of the 7 sister colleges) I almost went to, which can be very pretty this time of year. There are alot of women up there and you should feel fine alone. There are museums and nice scenery up there for you. There even are some men available, though that should NOT be your focus.

    • Marie

      Gloucester, MA-Cape Ann would be a nice trip, and I second the recommendation for the Berkshires.

    • emeralds

      The Hanover, NH area? My friend went to grad school in that area and we did fall girls’ trips up in the fall a few times, and always enjoyed it a lot. There are some nice day hikes (the Quechee State Park in VT is nice, we also did Giles Mountain), the King Arthur Baking Company HQ is worth a visit if you’re into food (a baking class would be a great solo activity if that’s up your alley), and the Norwich VT farmer’s market is awesome.

    • Anon

      I’ve only been in the fall, but Saratoga Springs is lovely, has great B&Bs, access to great hiking, and the most amazing used bookstore in the world.

    • AIMS

      Mystic, CT. Go to the aquarium. Browse the shops. Have a nice dinner with oysters. Eat ice cream at Drawbridge Ice Cream.

  6. Anon

    Who sells good towels that won’t start falling apart after two years? Looking at sad towels when I WFH makes me want to fix this. Is should not be hard and yet I’ve done this a few times.

    • Anon

      My Hotel Collection towels from Macy’s have been going strong for over 11 years now. I want to get new ones but can’t bring myself to do it because they’re still great. I did do the laundry stripping thing when they were getting a little crunchy last year and it brought them back to life — they’re soft, plush and absorbent.

    • Lily

      We’ve been pretty happy with our Boll & Branch towels. They aren’t the fluffiest but are pretty soft and the white color has held up well (have had them for about 2 years).

    • Anon

      Lands’ End Supima Cotton towels—and definitely play the promos to buy them at 40%—50% off the so-called price.

    • Anon

      I’m going on year 12 with my coyuchi Turkish towels. They’re expensive but perfect and last forever. They still look brand new.

    • Cat

      partly it’s quality and partly it’s your washer & dryer. Front-load washers seem much rougher on clothes.

  7. anon

    Can anyone comment on the fit of clothes from Muji? The quality? I am guessing they run small/slim but I am thinking about ordering a few things and wanted to gauge things before I order. I’m usually a 4/6 or S/M.

    • Anon

      The sizes are small but they items are meant to be worn loose. I wear my normal size in their clothes — i.e. 25 jeans and XS top in Madewell and Muji. I’m not sure why but I’m obsessed with their clothes (I work near a store though so I can see and try on in person).

    • Seventh Sister

      The clothes run small (the XL is more of an L) but I love their pajamas and I have a shelf tank that is so nice. I have a smock-style apron from Muji that is super big, but that might be a Japanese-style thing. (I have some other aprons from another Japanese brand that are also quite loose.) I wish I lived near a store!

    • NYNY

      I’m wearing my favorite Muji sweatpants right now! The quality is fantastic – these are 4 years old and look new. Definitely size up if you’re uncertain, as their sizing tends to run smaller than American brands both in length and width. I have broad shoulders which make none of their tops with sleeves fit me, but I have a linen open cardigan that I love. Also, their socks are amazing!

  8. Cb

    Writing accountability checking in – I’ve written the research design and goal is to finish the final empirical section today. And just write a terrible first draft of the theory tomorrow.

      • Cb

        It’s a publication out of my PhD…which is the major issue as I’ve since moved on/the politics of the time has moved on. It’s comparing nationalist political parties in Scotland and Flanders.

      • Anon

        Ha, WAG will always be Wives and Girlfriends (of athletes) to me so I did a doubletake reading this.

    • ArenKay

      Good for you, Cb! You inspired me to re-set-up my Accountability Spreadsheet for myself–just an Excel table of the projects I’m working on, with what I did each day for any of them entered. It keeps me focused on the benefits of sustained work, even small amounts, and I’d let it go. I started writing a bad abstract today! And am doing some bad literature review! Hurrah for bad work started!

  9. Anon

    Going to a day of meetings at my old college and a dinner at the president’s house – what to pack? Weather will be chilly! I’m in my late 30s and just getting involved, so not sure what the norm is here!

    • Ellen

      Ummmm…..Where is your college? If in Florida, you will dress differently then if your college is in Montana. In any event, Just make sure to wear clothes that breathe, so that you do not sweat like a pig when you meet the president of the university. You do not want to be remembered as the woman who was dripping wet from sweat! Yuckies!

    • KJ

      Following! I also have a dinner at my alma mater’s president’s home. Can’t decide If I think women will be wearing dresses.

    • Anon

      Unless you are donating a building (in that case, wear what you like), I think dressing like faculty should be fine (or 2019 casual office attire). Unless I’m presenting to students and don’t want them to read me as “mere housewife,” I dress neatly but casually or in school colors (one alma matter navy and white colors and it’s easy to hit the white cords, navy sweater, navy turtleneck vibe with socks / booties when it is cold; I have a navy plaid suit when I want them to focus less on the minivan I drove up in (sadly; I doubt guys have this issue).

      • Anon

        But for the dinner, I’d wear a dress with warm underpinnings, but maybe with some school sentiment vibe (earrings in colors if outfit isn’t in colors). A long flowy skirt can hide even long johns if worn with boots. I have thought about getting a rufflepuff in school colors just for things like this (haven’t yet tho), but I have a BR Factory dress with midi length skirt that would be perfect.

      • emeralds

        Agree with all of this advice. Subtle nods to school colors are an appreciated touch. There’s no need to show up in a full suit–casual but put-together professional is fine for the day, with the type of outfit you’d wear to a professional social obligation for the dinner.

    • Cat

      I’d wear a column of black underneath (like pants plus turtleneck) and then a tweedy blazer, not unlike the one pictured actually. Would play well with a variety of outfits that others wear – not so dressed-up that if others are in jeans you look ridic, but not so casual you risk looking underdressed.

      • Ribena

        I wore a similar outfit to this yesterday in the office – black tee with Broderie Anglaise yoke, black skinny jeans, grey wool felt ‘schoolboy’ blazer (all embarrassingly from Boden), and metallic gold Superga sneakers. Felt really good and like I could have gone into a number of settings and pulled it off.

      • Anon

        I love a column of color, whether in navy or black or charcoal, and the bottom can be pants or a slim skirt. A+ look

    • Anon

      #1 question is the location of your alma mater. What I would wear to my southern law school is not that I would wear to my New England college.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed it’s a know-your-school situation. The notes above about wearing school colors would not be something I would do at my alma mater. It was not a “school spirit” type of college. I’m not sure anyone would notice the school color thing at my alma mater, but if they did I think it would come off as a bit odd.

      • OP

        New England! And I kind of don’t love our school colors so I have no clothes in them, but I also love that suggestion and appreciate it!

        These are all so helpful! thank you all!

  10. anon

    Does anyone use powder foundation? I started with bare minerals about 15 years ago and now use Laura mercier. I have tried to use liquid foundation and have never figured it out, it always feels like paint. I see that liquid is much more popular, there are so many more options and varieties. And my favorite makeup blogger, Lisa Eldridge only uses liquid. So, is this user error, am I doing it wrong? I like a light coverage to even things out and I need something that works with concealer that I use for under eye darkness. Help me out pals, because going to Sephora is super overwhelming!

    • Anon

      Do you use a moisturizer? Could you start with a tinted moisturizer and graduate from there? Or have you tried the various formulas marketed as being lightweight, “air,” “whipped”, etc?

    • Anon

      Some liquid foundation can be cakey. I use a silicone-based foundation, Face Atelier Ultra Skin, and kind of stipple it in with a makeup sponge. I think it is pretty easy to blend and looks very natural. If you like powder foundation though keep using it.

    • IL

      As long as it is working for you, why change? Sephora periodically brings out new lines because if they didn’t, their sales figures would be much lower. This doesn’t mean the old lines like Laura Mercier or Clinique are no longer good options, especially for foundation where the colors can’t really go in or out of fashion.

      But to answer your question, sometimes I just swipe a multi-color powder over my face to blur things out in lieu of foundation. I have both the Bobbi Brown shimmer brick and a Milani drugstore version that achieves the same effect.

    • Anon

      I have oily skin and giant pores and the only thing that looks non-awful on me is Bare Minerals. The others may be better when applied by a pro (or on someone with good skin already, in which case: why bother), but I can always see it and it looks bad. Maybe that airbrushing stuff I’ve seen on infomercials? But IRL I cannot handle more than BM.

    • Thistle

      Liquid foundation is too cakey on me but powder never seems to last. I finally happened on Maybelline dream matte mousse which comes in a glass jar and is light enough on my skin to that I don’t feel like I’m being suffocated. I apply it with a real techniques buffing brush and swirl the brush around in the lid to work it into the bristles before I start.

    • Anon

      I do and have for years. My current fave is Charlotte Tilbury. Get a good brush and it’s so fast and looks great all day.

    • Anon

      Agree with others that if you like the powder, use the powder. But, as someone who uses liquid foundation and have tried quite a few recently my favorites are Clinique Superbalance Foundation and Anastasia Beverly Hills Luminous Foundation. They are both pretty light, and you can build coverage. The key to avoiding the paint-like feeling, is applying a little at a time and only adding more where needed. You need less than you think. (For example, two full pumps of the Anastasia Beverly Hills foundation is way too much!) I use a beauty blender to just blend it in.

      I did not like: Smashbox 24 Hr Full Coverage (way too heavy), Laura Mercier (separated and was hard to find a matching color), and Fenty Pro Filt’r Hydrating Longwear (cakey/separated). Nars Radiant Longwear was OK, but not a favorite.

      • Cat

        I used Superbalance for yearsssss before changing it up out of sheer desire for variety. This thread just reminded me of how great it was. Maybe I should try it again. It photographed beautifully.

      • IL

        I commented above and agree that Clinique’s liquid foundations just work so consistently well for me. If OP wants to try one, they are a great option.

    • Anon

      I’ve used powder foundation in the past (if you decide to stay the course, Jane Iredale is the best IMO) but I got tired of leaving powdery marks everywhere.

      My current liquid foundations are more tinted moisturizer than foundation – I can never get actual foundation like EL double wear to lay right on my skin. Currently in my rotation are Bobbi Brown Serum Foundation and NARS radiant tinted moisturizer. I prep my skin well- serum then some sort of rich moisturizer – and then apply just one drop/pump of the foundation to a brush, use the brush to lightly dot my face – cheek, cheek, chin, tip of nose – and then start blending all over my face with the brush. I’m pretty aggressive with this. I want it rubbed in.

      I finish with a very very small amount of translucent powder. The key to applying a small amount of powder is to use a loose, feathery brush – these are often labeled as highlight brushes.

      • Anon

        I just want to add, cakey foundation is usually some combination of

        1) using too much (this is a big one)
        2) not blending
        3) not prepping the skin

        So before you give up entirely, make sure e you’ve got the basics covered. I posted immediately above that I only use a drop of liquid foundation/tinted moisturizer for my entire face. If you start with a drop and think it’s not enough, you can always go back and add more (though I actually think that’s a job for concealer) but I think most people are going to be happier with a well-applied small amount of foundation.

    • RR

      During 2020, I really tried to figure out how to use liquid foundation like a proper adult. I bought like 10 of them, and I still struggle. I love the Makeup Forever powder. For liquid, I like more like cc creams or tints–Fenty makes a great skin tint; Trinny London has a couple great ones. For actual liquid foundation, my favorites were Too Faced Born This Way, Charlotte Tilbury Magic, and the Rare Beauty one. I did not like the Fenty foundation for my skin.

      I make sure to do good skincare before, and I like to apply with a damp beauty blender and go in small, small amounts to avoid that paint-like feeling. I also like a good siliconey primer like the Benefit Pore Perfector. Or, put setting spray on before/during foundation application.

    • Anon

      The urban decay hydromania has good light coverage and is a nice texture.

      Also, Sephora sale starts soon so wait for that!

  11. Crown chakra

    Help! I got a really terrible haircut today. My hair is just below shoulder length, went in for a trim, got some weird layered short chin-length haircut. It’s unflattering and tragically I can’t put it in a ponytail for running.

    Any advice for making the best of this situation? Or suggestions for how to style it?

    • BeenThatGuy

      Since you can’t pull it in a ponytail, I’m thinking you might need to lean into this. Headbands or sparkly clips to pin up the sides, or bangs, if you have them. Hopefully in 6 weeks your hair will have grown some and can be reshaped by a different stylist. Good luck!

    • pugsnbourbon

      You could go back to the salon and let them know you were unhappy and they could suggest a fix, but if it’s chin length I’m not sure what they could do that isn’t a pixie. I agree with BTG, zhuzh it up with some accessories.

    • Cat

      Pony + slim neutral headband to keep the front pieces out of your face for daytime. Same, but with those snappy triangle clips in lieu of headband, for exercise. (I have never met a stretchy headband that didn’t SPROING! off the back of my head in less than 5 mins of activity. YMMV if your head shape is more cooperative.)

      • MagicUnicorn

        I always had the same sproing problem until I found some cheapy skinny headbands at the grocery checkout lane. They are like a headband-sized flat ponytail elastic with grippy silicone all around the inside and they actually work! I can run, paddleboard, hike, whatever, and they don’t slide back. They were a no-name brand but I see Goody has “slideproof thin headbands” that look very similar.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Can you do a double ponytail in the back for running? Like a really high one for the upper layers, then a lower one for the lower layers. When I inadvertently cut my hair pretty short last year, I ended doing that a lot for working out and I actually think it’s kind of fun now. It gives a lot of volume. And most importantly isn’t in my face when I’m working out.

      If it’s too short and you can’t do that, I’ve noticed Peloton instructors doing a lot of what I did (errrr my mom did to my hair) in the late 90s – multiple little buns and little pony tails.

      And little clips for the win! It makes me smile that I think they look fresh now.

      Also, my bff and I swear that the styles we end up liking a lot, we hate initially when they’re first cut. So fingers crossed it grows out a little bit and you’ll like it better in a couple weeks! :)

    • Anon

      Style it yourself at least once (sometimes this helps a lot). Get a headband for running unfortunately since nothing’s going to make it longer!

      I once had a hair stylist explain that since I don’t come in all that often, she would cut my hair so that it would “grow into” the optimal style in a number of weeks, as opposed to looking its best on the day it was cut and just looking a little worse each day after that. It made wonder if other stylists had done this without telling me, because I’ve had a lot of haircuts that looked best somewhere in the midpoint between the day of the haircut and the time when I decided I needed another trim.

    • Cornellian

      I’ve read mixed empirical support, but maybe take a vitamin to make sure your hair grows quickly? A benefit of a short cut is that you’ve probably lost all the damaged part and growth should show quickly. Good luck!

    • Anon

      Get the small size claw clips and pull a section on either side of your face back with those.

    • Monday

      I like it too. My biggest concern with humidity would be the bangs. If you want your bangs to look like this photo, DC humidity is not on your side. And even temporary sweat from the commute will curl up your bangs for the rest of the day.

    • Cat

      my immediate thought was she looks like modern Bridgerton Eloise lol. but I don’t think that style will hold up to humidity and it requires a deft hand with the layers to avoid looking like a mullet or a Rachel gone wrong.

    • Anon

      Ok so this is a layered haircut which means that if your hair is not super thick to begin with, your ends are going to be wispy and scraggly. Just a buyer beware from someone who has been there

  14. Sybil

    We need new bath towels and I’m thinking of trying out Turkish towels. Any specific recommendations?

    • Betsy

      I like Olive and Linen, but I’m still not sure I like Turkish towels as bath towels. I love the way they look hanging on my towel rack, but I’m always a little disappointed when they come up in the rotation because I can’t seem to get over the idea that a bath towel should be fluffy! However, I love them as hand towels and kitchen towels.

      • Cb

        Same. I have them in my work-city flat because they dry super quickly, and they are fine, but aren’t fluffy at all.

      • Anonymous

        Sandcloud makes a “half” turkish towel where one side is terry and one side is woven that I think would work better as bath towels. Haven’t tried those in particular, but I love their beach turkish towels.

    • Cornellian

      As an inbetween, try waffle towels. I like my turkish towels but they’re an acquired taste. Traditional fluffy ones age so poorly and waste so much water and hold soap, but waffle weave is a good in between, I think.

    • Ribena

      I have them for the gym, because you can get a big ‘bath sheet’ size towel that’s still portable and small. But I don’t particularly enjoy using them. Would cosign Cornellian’s suggestion to look at waffle towels instead

    • Anonymous

      Antiochia. Gorgeous, soft, durable. I replaced all my terry towels with Antiochia ones about 8 years ago, and they’ve been perfect.

    • Anon

      Etsy, straight from Turkey. I couldn’t bring myself to pay $30 or whatever per towel when I could get the real thing for far less.

  15. NYNY

    Does anyone have experience with Chiko shoes? I happened upon them when trying to find a visual to explain what my beloved chunky, square-toed mary janes looked like in the 90’s, and I really like a lot of the shoes. Any idea of quality? I can’t even figure out where they’re made, which makes me nervous.

    • Anonymous

      No help on the shoes but Chiko is the name of one of my favorite restaurants and now I am really craving it. May need to happen.

    • A Plus Fed

      According to their website, the outer soles are made in Italy. According to Google, the shoes themselves are made in China. Google also has a bunch of reviews that say expensive for the quality. I have no experience with them, just googled to see what they were.

      • NYNY

        Thank you! I realized I’d only looked at their website on my phone, where I wasn’t seeing any of the “about us” stuff. It looks like an environmentally terrible fast fashion company, doesn’t it? Oh well.

  16. Anon

    Eagerly awaiting the tow truck to take away my husband’s latest POS old “project” car that doesn’t work. Send vibes to the Patron Saint of Shittastic Vehicles that the repair bill will be astronomical enough that he will finally agree to dump this albatross! I am SO tired of being THAT HOUSE on the street with broken-down cars.

    • Anon

      Oh shit you are living my dream, namely the dream that the car will never return. You know it’s just going to be replaced by another project car if that happens, don’t you?

    • Anon

      This made me laugh a little bit as there was a house in our neighborhood that had a late 1970s Camaro project car parked in the driveway when we moved into the neighborhood…and the car was still there, in even-more-dilapidated condition, when we moved out of the neighborhood 17 years later. In that time we never saw the car move an inch in the driveway or be worked on. By the time we moved out it was rusting out and one of the side windows had been broken out. My husband was like, what a waste – sell it to someone who will actually work on it! I think project cars are one of those situations where the enthusiasm for the project far exceeds the technical skills and perseverance to complete the project, in the vast majority of cases.

    • Anonymous

      I didn’t know my mom was a Corporette reader! Lol. Sending all the good vibes that you move somewhere with a smaller garage and an HOA that doesn’t like outside parking. That’s the only thing that got rid of my dad’s model t that would run once every 5 or 10 years and go through the fix up cycle again.

        • anon

          My dad is the all time winner of terrible project cars – a Dodge Aires that broke down, new car was purchased and he spent a decade seeing if he could fix it himself. (When he got it running with some uhm “modifications,” a salvage truck was quickly called for fear he would drive it.) I am certain my mom would dream of the “project car” being a model t but without a project, who know what he would do.

    • Ragey Car Anon

      Are you my neighbor? I will pay the tow truck bill to rid you of the SEVEN-count them-SEVEN cars parked on the freaking street. In fact, I’d pay a significant premium to get rid of the one parked directly behind my driveway that I narrowly avoid hitting on a daily basis.

      • Anon

        Does your city have any rules about how long a car can be parked on a street? Where I live, I could report them and they’d be towed.

  17. Sheets

    Recommendations for sheets? I have the LL Bean ones that are frequently recommended and like but don’t love them. (Do people love sheets? Is like-but-don’t-love actually a good place to be?)

    • Cat

      What kind of sheets do you like? Super high thread count is actually a negative for me bc soft and silky to someone else = clammy and clingy to me.

      I honestly love the percale set we got from the Company Store. If you want your bed to feel crisp and cool, 100% recommend.

    • Anon

      People do have very strong feelings, both love and hate, about sheets; sometimes it helps to pay attention when traveling.

      I’m currently a little obsessed with a set of “HygroCotton” sheets I picked up based on how they felt at the store. I especially like the pillow cases since they feel silky and cool.

      In the summer, I use linen sheets.

      My current flannel sheets were cheap since I bought them for style reasons, and they’ve pilled somewhat but they’re honestly pretty comfortable.

      I feel conflicted because the last time I stayed in an AirBnB, the sheets were those bazillion thread count microfiber sheets… the ones that you can practically crumple up into a ball that’s only a handful big, but that are somehow still queen sized… and they were actually pretty soft and comfortable. Would I sleep on synthetic sheets? I can’t decide.

    • Anon

      I like crispy sheets that sleep cool, so I like percale. My favorite are from Garnet Hill and Target (make sure you get the percale at Target, not some of their other ones). I always get 100% cotton. And I agree with the poster above–high thread-count sheets are silky but not what I want as they sleep warmer. Percale all the way!

    • Anon

      Look for Pima or Supima cotton. They are the longest staple cottons so will be the smoothest. 800 thread count is my sweet spot. They will feel thick and not totally soft when you get them, but wash and dry them twice before you put them on the bed, and after 4-5 washes they will be your dream sheets. (Dream. Get it?)

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, I’ve tried a lot of higher end sheets and I keep going back to the Target Threshold Performance Cotton sheets. They’re soft but still breathable.

      • Betsy

        Same! I got an LL Bean set thinking they would be a step up, and they stretched out a lot where the Threshhold sheets don’t. I also think the Threshold sheets soften up really nicely over time, which the LL Bean ones didn’t. I really thought I was upgrading, but I’ve gone back to Threshold.

    • Ribena

      I really like my IKEA sheets! There’s something about the crispness of the cotton they use? And the fitted sheet is really deep so it’s super easy to get onto the mattress.

  18. Anon

    Does anyone have a toaster that you love? I’m looking for a small, two-slice toaster and thought this would be real easy, but apparently toasters both cost more than I expected and sometimes get a lot of bad reviews. (There are some cute ones out there though, which is probably also distracting me from my initial mission!)

    • Formerly Lilly

      Over a period of years I went through all the toasters from cheap to somewhat pricey. They broke or did such a poor job of toasting bread that they were pointless. Even Cuisinart let me down. Finally I super splurged on a Smeg and am in toast heaven. Also, mine is mint green which makes me happy.

    • anon a mouse

      DH converted me to toaster ovens – we have a small Hamilton Beach one, which makes great toast from the top slots but also is fantastic for reheating pizza, french fries, making toasted sandwiches, etc – anything that would otherwise get soggy in the microwave.

      • Cat

        +1, we abandoned the toast-specific toaster option long ago. Toaster ovens are amazing especially for reheating small portions – no need to fire up the whole oven to reheat a pizza.

        • Curious

          This was my reaction. But I think we won our toaster as a prize at a gas station, so I don’t really deserve to comment.

    • Anon

      We have the Cuisinart 2 slice compact.

      Before this we had a hugely pricey Dualit 4 slicer imported from England, but the Cuisnart, which was cheap, is actually better.

      I suggested to my husband that he research toasters and I think he spent a good 3-4 days on it. If you know someone like this (and I think we all do) ask them their opinion. “Do you happen to have an opinion on toasters?” is a good way to start.

      • Anon

        This is a good strategy, but I wasn’t sure my person would know the compact option in this case, so maybe your husband is my person this time around: I will definitely look up the Cuisineart 2 slice!

    • Ribena

      For these kind of basic kitchen appliances (toasters and kettles) I always find the <£20 ones from the kitchen section of the grocery store to do the job the best. Do you have a big supermarket (or Target I guess?) that you can go to for this?

      • Anon

        I was thinking that what I really needed was to swing by a Ben Franklin’s 5 and Dime! I didn’t think of checking a grocery store aisle and appreciate the tip.

  19. Anon

    Since haircuts are a topic of interest today, where do you source current styles? I’m having a hard time finding a balance. Everything in magazines is either edgy teen or matronly baker. I want “fashionable but not fashion victim”.

    • Monday

      On fashion TikTok, the look is generally long, straight, with minimal layers and a center part. I find it to be a “safe” look: not very interesting, but nobody is going to make fun of you.

      • Clara

        This has been my look forever. I have probably been unfashionable forever because I’ve always done a center part, and then the long layers reliably look good.

    • Seventh Sister

      I do flip through Vogue et al, also I’m currently smitten Rosamund Pike’s bob in “I Care A Lot.” I’ve had a similar cut and it was fantastic, but I feel like I want my hairdresser to weigh in before I cut off that much hair. My hair is shoulder-length now and it takes forever to grow out. I do think it would be a good cut for my hair texture (very fine and a tiny bit wavy).

  20. Anons

    Re: the yellow suit yesterday. What do people think about it in the lilac for a Spring fundraiser I am emcee’ing? And could I do flats or a low heel?

  21. Anon

    Any MasterCard holders here? My Target card is becoming a Mastercard so I would love to know about any special rewards I should take advantage of. I randomly noticed a posh hotel I was interested in booking has a 4th night free promotion for MasterCard holders, which is going to save me a nice chunk of change – is there a convenient list of all hotels that offer this deal?

  22. Anon

    I’ve been feeling so blah and unmotivated all week and I can’t seem to break out of the funk. I let myself sleep late today, thinking it would help, but then the hot water is out in my building so I feel gross (and probably look gross with dirty hair!). I got my favorite coffee on my way in to try to improve my mood but it hasn’t helped. (I’m 100% in office, no WFH option, but at least I have a door that closes).

    Anyone have suggestions to salvage this day?

    • Anne-on

      I’d book a blowout with a drybar/local salon type of place and ask them for bouncy curls that will last a few days, download a fun brain candy book to read wihle you’re there (payback’s a witch, witch please, hook line and sinker, or one last stop are all delightful), order in your fave takeout and veg on the couch tonight with a show. I hope things turn around!

    • Anon

      If it were me I’d force myself outside for a walk or run either during lunch or right after dinner (or both) regardless of the weather.

      Or garden.

    • Auburn

      No tips, but man – SAME. I think it’s the weather. I live in the upper Midwest and the whole week has been grey and cold. It’s so much worse after the teasing 10 days of sunshine and 50 degree weather we had earlier in the month. My goal for today (after I finish reading comments here…) is to put my phone in another room and crank out as much work as possible so I can log off early and go to bar trivia with my husband tonight.

      • Bonnie Kate

        YES UPPER MIDWEST WEATHER SUCKS RIGHT NOW. Yesterday everyone around me was trying really hard to have a good attitude, but was nonetheless edgy af, and I attribute it all to the weather.

    • Anon

      Get a claw clip and put your hair up. Tell yourself it’s French. By the same token, go to CVS and buy a red or reddish lipstick and wear it. You will feel tons better.

      Hang in there.

      • Bonnie Kate

        the claw clip trick is legit and I’ve never thought of it as a snap out of it thing, but you’re so right!

  23. Lily

    Anyone who can vouch for the Toyota Highlander Hybrid? We want a 7-seater hybrid or electric but not willing to pay Tesla or Volvo prices. TIA!

    • InHouse Anon

      My husband has a 2018 and likes it a lot. I don’t know exactly what his gas mileage is but I don’t remember being super impressed with it (I drive an old prius for comparison), but it’s a good, solid car, nothing too exciting, which I guess is basically why people buy Toyotas :)

      • Anonymous

        Agree re not being impressed with the gas mileage–I looked at them when I was getting a new car in 2020 and the gas mileage for the highlander hybrid was really not that much better than the all-gas subaru forester I ended up with. Having said that, the only reason I didn’t by the highlander was it felt a little too big for what I needed. I was replacing an old (like late 90s) Toyota 4Runner and that thing just wouldn’t die, so major props for toyota reliability.

    • Anon

      We also considered this car but ended up with a gas guzzling VW atlas because we just needed more space. The third row is extremely small and low to the ground (adults cannot fit) and the trunk cannot fit most strollers with third row up. If you really want a hybrid, consider the Sienna which has much more space.

    • Anonymous

      I just got a Hybrid Toyota Sienna minivan and I love it so far. The Highlander looked great on the lot, but just not as practical for my family right now. The 35/36 mpg that both the Sienna and Highlander get may not seem impressive compared to a Prius, but for a car that seats 7 people and doesn’t require a plugin setup, it’s pretty much as good as you’re going to get. I say go for it, though they are very pricey right now!

      • Anon

        FYI – I’m the Pacifica commenter below and the plug in that came with the car plugs into a standard wall outlet. You can purchase a more efficient charging station that requires installation but it’s not necessary (though it greatly reduces charging time). That was a nice surprise as I had assumed we’d need to install something. You do of course need regular access to electricity to charge the battery so having a garage with power outlets is key if you want to not run on gas regularly. But it’s not like a Tesla that require a whole new specific set up (at least I assume Teslas do!)

    • Anon

      Looked into it and ended up going with the Chrysler Pacifica plug in hybrid . The third row SUVs just didn’t seem to have enough space in the third row to fit our needs. Love the cargo space and electric only option of the Pacifica – we live in a city and can do a lot of our trips without using any gas.

    • Anon

      We have it and love it. Family of 4 who occasionally has a friend or uncle ride along in our car.
      We have a space in the middle row to walk through, a close friend has no space but lifts down the seat to get across to the back row.
      I am a 5’4″ woman who has sat in the third row (back) a few times with no problem; key is to make sure the middle row is not too far back which doesn’t give you knee room in the back row. However it may be a bit much for a long distance drive or taller adults; in that case I would recommend kids take the back row and extra adults the middle row if possible.

  24. Anne-on

    Since there’s been lots of talk about milestone birthday celebrations lately I wanted to get a temperature check on an idea for a small party. How would you feel about attending a 4-5 hour lunch/spa day with a group of 8-10 women total (assuming covid numbers are good, and I understand that some may not be comfortable attending).
    As the host/birthday girl I’d pay for all attendees including tips. Would you be annoyed about being asked to give up most of a weekend day? Or ok with it? It’s a group of moms so I understand I’m asking folks to give up family time and I’d be totally cool and not annoyed if people decline. So be honest, is this an invite where you’d ‘roll your eyes but grin and bear it’ or a ‘yay, fun girls day out’?

    • Anon

      Can’t speak to the mom side of things, but if a friend invited me to a spa day on her dime, I would run not walk.

      • Bonnie Kate

        +100. No cost, no overnights, and no pressure to say yes (the host is cool with me saying no if it doesn’t work instead of making this a make-or-break friendship thing)? This sounds amazing and I’d be so happy to say yes to it.

    • Lily

      I’d be thrilled but would also feel a little guilty about you spending so much money to treat me. Personally I think I’d feel a little more comfortable if, for example, you treated the group to lunch and then invited anyone who wanted to go to the spa with you and everyone could pay for themselves based on what treatment(s) they wanted. But I may be in the minority :)

    • NYCer

      100% would say yes assuming I am good friends with the person giving the invitation!

    • Anon

      Can I come?! This sounds absolutely amazing. I have a preschooler but I can definitely leave her for one day.

    • Anon

      Absolutely would go. And I think you’re so generous to pay! In this situation I’ve usually been asked to pay for myself + a share of the birthday girl/bride. I like this way much better lol.

    • Anon

      If you’re paying, 1000% I’d go. I’m not a mom but I’d assume any mom would figure it out for a couple hours of total relaxation.

    • Anon

      As an aside, please don’t book spa days with lunch and “whatever you can spend.” A friend tried to do this in Napa recently (I’m in SF) and she kept saying, “You don’t have to book anything.” Well, sure, but I’m not going to drive two hours, have lunch and then sit there for three hours before we’re all supposed to go to dinner. Rooms at the hotel were over five hundred dollars a night. So this little birthday trip was going to cost each of us about $500-$1000. Even the day use fee for the spa was over 150. Please–be mindful of others’ budgets. I don’t spend $1000 on my own birthday!!! We suggested dinner only, lunch only, lunch other places, wine tasting only, etc., and princess diva was not having anything where we didn’t all shell out. Don’t be that friend.

      • Bonnie Kate

        Yep, your princess diva friend sounds like the worst! I think it’s fine to want to do this and invite your friends to go with (once! if they say no, don’t keep asking/persuading!), but the constant pressuring and insistence that it had to be this way – noppeee.

      • Anne-on

        100% would not do this, if I invite people to an activity I pay their way including tips OR make it very very clear that I can only pay a portion and I have absolutely no problem with them declining if it is not in their budget.

    • Anonymous

      Busy, exhausted mom here. I would like nothing better than a good reason to spend several hours with friends. But not while wearing a robe or being expected to participate in spa treatments like massages and facials. Manicure (with autoclaved instruments) and lunch, yes. Just sitting around, yes. Pool, hot tub, yes.

    • anon

      This sounds wonderful, and I would definitely go! I’m a mom, and I would not be annoyed at being asked to give up most of a weekend day for a friend’s birthday party, especially if she was hosting. If you think some people may not be able to make it for the entire afternoon, you could indicate the times for lunch vs spa, and ask people to RSVP for each. (I once attended just the lunch portion of a lunch + spa day for my friend’s bachelorette because my son was 3 or 4 weeks old, and I was nursing and hadn’t started bottles/pumping yet. I wasn’t annoyed to be invited though!)

    • Anon

      Sounds incredible and generous. If you think some won’t be comfortable for Covid reasons and there is an easy way to have the lunch portion outside, that might help too

    • Anon

      I would absolutely go. I would not be all that comfortable in the naked hot tub/spa pool (is that just a California thing?) with a bunch of women I barely know – I’m only barely comfortable with my own sisters – but I’d get a luxurious mani pedi and enjoy the heck out of lunch.

      • Anonymous

        No swimsuits?!? No thank you. I guess I am not missing out on anything by not being rich enough to go to the spa.

        • Anon

          Idk I’ve been invited to lots of work-related spa trips and there seems to always be a naked tub involved. I just don’t want to be naked with colleagues. If that makes me a prude, so be it.

          • Anon

            Idk I’ve been invited to lots of work-related spa trips and there seems to always be a naked tub involved. I just don’t want to be naked with colleagues. If that makes me a prude, so be it.

    • Cat

      This sounds really fun! My personal preference would be not to have the 4-5 hours be 10-3 or 11-4 as that takes the entire day. Like if you want to do 12-5, start with lunch and everyone has a treatment or two, it would be easier to fit my other weekend stuff in around it.

    • Anon

      Oh my goodness, this would be a YAY FUN situation for me, and I would happily revel in every moment. If you want to make absolutely sure people have the option they want, you can certainly let people know they’re free to come just for lunch or just for a couple of hours or whatever (if that’s possible with the rest of your day— if not, I wouldn’t change it up!). And of course the caveat that you’ve said above that there’s no shade at all for folks who can’t/don’t want to come.

      As an aside— It makes me slightly sad that there might be people who would resent going to a free spa day to celebrate a friend if they weren’t pressured into coming. People here ask all the time about how to make and maintain friendships as an adult. Being there and celebrating friends’ milestones without resentment is a huge step. I love celebrating my friends’ birthdays, graduate degrees, paying off mortgages/student loans, weddings, babies, etc.!

      • Anon

        +1 – This was my reaction as well from responses on the Mom’s page. It made me think that maybe folks who tend to post there aren’t the ones with warm, flowing friendships where things are simple (not saying it’s due to their own behavior, but just…life).

        One of my BFFs is single, childfree, and is ALWAYS there for her friends/their families, her own family, work, etc. I’m an exhausted working mum, and I emailed a few of our mutual friends (all of whom have very very full lives) about doing dinner/drinks for our mutual BFF and within minutes there were emails of “YES!!!” from everyone. No one even gave a second thought to their own logistics – they’d figure it out to be there for this awesome friend after 2 years of Zoom birthdays.

    • Anne-on

      Thank you to everyone for your input! I’ll definitely make it clear that folks are welcome to join for just the lunch if that’s what they are comfortable with/able to do with their schedules. The spa treatments are of the ‘wear robes in the lounge and disrobe in private treatment room’ variety (massage/facial/mani/pedi) vs. hanging out naked in soaking tubs but I’ll make that clear to all (I also wouldn’t want to be naked in the pool fwiw!)

  25. An Anon

    I think I’m going to break up with my boyfriend tonight. I’ve really been struggling with it the past week but it seems an inevitability right now. He is an absolutely incredible partner and my best friend/biggest supporter. But he works in the arts in a job that requires lots of travel and weird hours (not an actor but think actor) without much money to make up for it. He works so hard to minimize the impact it has on our relationship as much as he can, and it works for now, but I think about our future together and all I can do is visualize all the compromises I will have to make to facilitate his career, especially if/once we have a family. His career is his dream and he’s just happy to make a living doing it, so I’d never ask him to step away from it (and he never would). These doubts about the logistics of a shared life together have always been there–I thought they would go away with time but they haven’t, and I think I need to let this one go. But I worry that in 5 years I’ll still be alone and I’ll wish I had the chance to try to make it work, at least. Bleh.

    • Cornellian

      It’s an obvious question but have you told him about your concerns? It’s possible he would like to make a change after he’s understood how you feel. I’d be cautious of throwing away someone that is an “absolutely incredible partner” and your “biggest supporter” without at least giving him a chance.

      • Anon

        It’s an obvious question but have you told him about your concerns? It’s possible he would like to make a change after he’s understood how you feel. I’d be cautious of throwing away someone that is an “absolutely incredible partner” and your “biggest supporter” without at least giving him a chance.

        • No Face

          There are great partners who are physically around though. If that is what OP wants, she should date men like that.

      • OP

        Yes, lots and lots of conversations about it. He’s done his best to assuage my concerns but I just know that at the end of the day, I come second to his career. It’s a close second but it is second.

        • Anon

          I broke up with a guy who traveled for work and made very good money. Still wasn’t worth it to be alone most of the time and it was clear that this job came first. I don’t blame you for making this decision and honestly, while you’re young enough that you can find another partner, even being single is better than an unfulfilling relationship.

        • test run

          I am married to a person with these hours and the consensus in the field is that your partner/family just works around it. It’s like being married to a chef – for them to do what they love, those are the hours, period. It sucks and it’s definitely not for everyone. I thought long and hard when my now husband and I had been dating for about as long as you have, so I totally understand your reservations. I obviously ended up deciding to stay in the relationship, but it’s completely valid and reasonable to make the other choice. Sending lots of virtual hugs your way as breakups are always miserable and I think it’s extra hard when it’s based on something so frustrating like logistics.

    • anon

      Obviously you should break up with him if that is what you want.

      HOWEVER, I would at least give him the respect of approaching this as an open conversation instead of a foregone conclusion – let him know that you have these very serious concerns about your future, that you struggle to see compatibility about your ways of life, etc. etc. and see what he says in return. Without knowing his job/career, I can’t say anything concrete, but maybe you are important enough to him for him to find a more family-amenable version of what he does. Or maybe not, and you’ve read the situation correctly. Either way, you will have given him the fairness of raising the issue.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think it’s fair to suggest that OP isn’t “respect[ing]” him if she breaks up with him without further discussion. It sounds like he’s really happy with his career right now. He knows it creates a strain on the relationship, he does his best to accommodate, but he is not making moves to change the travel or hours. If he wanted to he would.

        OP has three options: 1) break up, 2) ask him to make a massive career change for her – even though he is happy – and therefore risk his resentment, or 3) trust any promise that it won’t always be like this/I’ll totally change when we have kids/other vagaries about some imaginary future that he doesn’t actually want and isn’t taking steps toward. Talking about this will put OP in a holding pattern where she has to wait and see what he will do. I wouldn’t want to stay with someone if our relationship was contingent on him doing some big thing that I have no control over – that sounds like torture.

      • Anon

        If you don’t want to be with somebody, you don’t have to give them a chance to argue with you before you break up with them.

    • Anon

      I think it’s far better to break up with someone now than to spend the next 5 years unhappily dating/cohabitating/engaged/married. Do what is right for you.

      • No Face

        Agreed. There are lots of great people out there. Spend time finding the right person for you.

      • Anon

        I’m in this camp. I’ve been the person who travelled a lot for a career they loved, and compromised to be with a partner. At first, we were giddy to spend so much time together, but the setback to my career was real, and the resentment built up over time. I felt lost in the okay-ish compromise job I’d found, and as a result wasn’t the passionate, engaged partner that I had been (albeit often from a distance) when I was doing to dream job.

    • Cat

      It sounds like you’ve talked about future plans and he doesn’t want to find a different type of job, right? If not, worth the conversation. But… let’s say he promises to look into more local opportunities… but doesn’t find them. Or doesn’t like them. And now it’s 2-3 years later and you’re still unhappy.

      Lifestyle compatibility is a perfectly fair and honest reason to break up. You’re not boring, or unsupportive, for wanting to build a future designed for a more stable & predictable household. (No guarantees of course – life throws curveballs – but you can do your best!)

      • OP

        No, he wants to do this for as long as he possibly can. If he starts making less money from it, he would change his lifestyle to accomodate that. The nature of the job requires travel and weird hours no matter where you do it, unfortunately

        • Cat

          Hugs – it sounds like he may well be a great guy but not the guy for you. You shouldn’t be envisioning a future and the emotions it conjures are loneliness and disappointment!

    • Anonymous

      I’m a former visual artist and currently work for a nonprofit theater in an admin role (normal hours). I think you are smart to think about this. It is totally reasonable for him to pursue this and for you to want something different. If he is in the performing arts and made it through the pandemic still wanting this career, he’s truly committed. Let him go and keep looking. I actually broke up with a man for similar reasons yet, although he was a visual artist and the issue was more just that his art was always going to come before anything else (health insurance, stability, a family, etc). I admired him; that kind of single-minded focus is really the only way people keep making art if they don’t have a rich spouse or something. But it wasn’t the life I wanted. Hugs to you and your boyfriend; this is hard.

      • OP

        This is the exact issue. His career is his #1 priority, even though he works really hard to minimize the impact on our relationship. All I can think about when I think of the future is all the hypothetical school recitals I’d have to attend alone. Not sure why that’s specifically the image I fixate on but it’s there.

        • Anon

          You’re smart to know your dealbreakers. I don’t know why so many people are arguing with you to work it out, when it seems like every day we get someone on here who is unhappily coupled or married and everyone says “why are you even with this guy?”

          As Senior Attorney says, “most men are not suitable” and I agree. Even if you love 80% of what this guy is about, the 20% can still make you incompatible.

          It sounds like you have your eyes wide open. Keep them open.

          • Cat

            The only “work it out” I see above is people questioning how much you’ve talked about this together and other options for his career. With the additional comments, it’s clear to me that the topic is exhausted and OP, you’re making a hard but correct decision.

        • Anon

          This is a legitimate concern. There are men out there who have similar priorities. My dad was a very busy stressed out physician and came to every single one of my dance recitals for 10 years.

          • Anonymous

            But physicians have more control over their schedules than poorly paid artists (or backstage workers – who may actually make a lot of money). “The show must go on” really does not care about your kid’s recital, and the scarcity of jobs means there is always someone younger and hungrier out there willing to put in the hours. There’s a reason a lot of artists don’t have families.

        • Anon

          I just want to say that I had a few mom friends when my son was in elementary school who, because of the careers their spouses chose, always had to attend school functions alone and it sucked for them. Because it wasn’t just school recitals their spouses missed – it was also doctor’s appointments, parent-teacher conferences, soccer games, the kids’ own birthday parties, trips to the emergency room, etc. The spouses mostly had high-travel sales or executive jobs, although one was a cardiothoracic surgeon which – yeah, that’s a job where he’s gonna be on call all the time and he is actually saving lives, so the wife was fine with it.

          I think it’s one thing in the abstract to be like “oh, I’m sure we can make this work” and then the reality of being a married single parent is very different. Other than the surgeon and his wife, either those couples got divorced or the spouse with the high-demand job changed jobs to something less demanding; there’s no middle ground that I’ve seen as the kids have gotten older. I ran into one of the divorced moms in the supermarket and when I said “so how is everything” she said “great, not really any different than when (husband’s name) was on the road all the time, I just don’t have to do his laundry when he gets back now.” Yikes. So this is a totally reasonable thing for you to think about and prioritize for your own life.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like my friend who is in a rock band. They have like 1 million monthly listeners on Spotify, but he still only pulls in like 40k/year and has to constantly be in vans/busses and sleep in not so desirable hotels. It only works for my friend because he’s childfree and his partner is an independent person.

      • OP

        Yes, very similar situation. I’m also very independent which is why it all works for me right now and if I didn’t want children I think the situation would be very different. But I do, and I also am career oriented and want a partner who has the capacity to lean in more at home when needed so that I can do my thing. It’s just extremely hard to walk away from this when I know he is a very rare find when it comes to emotional support and personality fit.

    • Anan

      This is so hard- I’m sorry you’ve had to do some hard thinkjng.
      I work in the arts and have an actor type job that involved a lot of travel (well until the pandemic shut down all the theatres).
      Married with three kids. Some days it works better than others. I have very few colleagues with children. The one I know who has grown children- when I asked her how she did it, she said, “I have an incredibly supportive husband.”
      Not going to lie- my under-paying, logistically hard job accounts for 95% of our fights. I think he always thought at one point I would want to get out of the business. But I don’t. One of our therapists said to my Husband, “She does not want to stop doing X, so stop asking her to find a new career.” But it doesn’t stop him from being resentful when I work weekends and am not home for bedtime for several days in a row.
      The logistics of our relationship was fine before we had kids- he’d often visit me on gigs and it was actually fun. But having kids definitely changed a lot of things and it’s been rough figuring it out. I’ve definitely taken a step back in my career because I don’t travel for gigs as much anymore, and I’m less likely to take the jobs that will 1099 me. So I’ve adjusted, but certainly not as mich as my husband would like.

    • lifer

      I understand your position, and wish you luck tonight.

      My best friend was married for years to a lovely, talented musician. They lived in NYC for years, basically struggling to survive while he LOVED his life pursuing his art. She deep down knew she wanted children, to be able to afford to buy a house, and not to be worried about covering basic bills, nevermind the perks (ie. a vacation? retirement?). He tried to make the transition to an arts-adjacent role in his mind, but eventually backed out of it. He was too unhappy with that. They split soon after.

      Fun thing…. he became quite a famous musician. Took a long time.

  26. Healing

    I started a 12-week program with my therapist for sexual assault trauma processing (CPT) and it’s been making me realize how many cognitive distortions I have around men that have been coming up in my day-to-day life (and especially my relationship with my boyfriend). Some of the thoughts we’ve uncovered are things like “Men want to trick me” “men are bad” “I can’t trust men” etc.

    It made me realize where some of my hair-trigger emotional responses come from around certain things. Like feeling super angry about my boyfriend being late or feeling like I visit his house more than he visits mine. Or constant preoccupation with gardening / if he watches gardening videos. Things I would never ever bat an eye about if it weren’t in the context of an intimate relationship.

    I worry about the effects of my anger/trauma responses on our relationship long-term. I’m not like yelling at him or calling him names or anything, but I do know that sometimes I will bring things up as requests that are coming from a place of trauma and vigilance against being “tricked” or disrespected. I’m obviously working on this in therapy and trying my best to be aware of the paranoia, but it still makes me feel bad because it’s not who I want to be in a relationship.

    Does anyone have experience with anything similar? Doesn’t need to be trauma-related, but just being aware of having a tendency to overreact / not yet in control of it? I feel like I never know where my boundaries are versus what is irrational rage / how to set boundaries in appropriate ways.

    • Curious

      Yes. I had hair trigger responses to a lot of things at the beginning of my relationship with my now-husband almost 7 years ago. I was super open about what I was doing to heal (therapy, meds). Not only did he think I was worth it despite the hair triggers, he also was impressed that I was “brave enough to do that.” OP, sexual trauma — any trauma — is hard to move past. It takes time to heal, and you are a worthwhile person as you heal and even if you never fully heal. You’re doing what you can, and you’re asking for what you need. That’s such a good thing, and your boyfriend can and should value it and support you on it.

      • OP

        Curious, this made me cry at the office! Thank you for your kind words and perspective. It’s so easy to feel like a not-worthwhile person while healing and to feel like it’s a disaster every time I slip up. So beautiful to hear about you and your husband’s journey.

    • Super Anon

      Oooh boy. Trigger alert for s*xual abuse.

      Ok.

      Here is the thing. Therapy is great. But it does tend to encourage you to fixate on your trauma and look for the impacts that trauma is having on you. And that is wonderful and fantastic and I am not dissing it – but at the end of the day, you have to decide that you are done; that whoever hurt you got what they were going to get of your life and they are not getting any more. That you are in control and you get to decide. That the other people in your life are not him and he DOES NOT GET ANY MORE. That you am done being a victim or a survivor or anyone other than you. That your trauma does not define you.

      And I realize (God believe me I realize) that is much, much, much easier said that done. Believe me I had lots of conversations with myself. I went to all the therapy. And I cannot tell you how to get there. All I can say is that I woke up one morning, looked at myself in the mirror and said “F*ck it; I am done.” And then categorically refused to think about it, dwell on it, or allow it to influence my behavior. Even now I occasionally (and it is pretty occasional) have to stop and ask myself “is this me or him”? But deciding to let it go got rid of the vast majority of the misdirected rage and paranoia.

      Because here is the other thing. I can now recognize that the family member who abused me was himself abused. That he perpetuated that cycle. That is not an excuse! But it is up to me to be sure it stops with me (and while I am not likely to molest children I could easily have become an angry bitter person who took that out on other people).And I will not be that. I have that power. I cannot control what happened to me but I can control my actions, my thoughts (to some extent), and my future.

      Good luck. All the hugs!

      • OP

        Thank you for this! I sometimes get a bit sad when I realize the ways in which I am carrying him with me or projecting him onto others. It feels like it is no longer his right to have any imprint on me, yet it’s still there. The best we can do is try. It’s wonderful to hear that you’ve wound up on the other side of it and a testament to your strength and courage.

  27. Nora

    I’m getting frustrated with an intern and Im trying to gauge if I’m being fair or mean.

    1) The interns other supervisor and I have asked him to tell us whenever he has questions, whenever he gets stuck, etc a million times. We have regular check ins, which helps, and truly are friendly and open door etc. He has literally never approached us with a question between check ins and it is slowing down the work. How do I encourage him further?

    2) He is very resistant to suggestions, and honestly at this point I’m feeling a little disrespected. For example, he was working on a project (very skill level appropriate) and Technique A didn’t get the full results. I suggested Technique B and he sounded very reluctant to use it. I asked why he didn’t think Technique B would work and he instead spoke very academically about why Technique A didn’t work, and I was just thinking “We got it, lets talk about what we should do instead”. I’ve said softer versions of all of the above before, but hasn’t made an impact.

    I am very happy to explain things, I just need some engagement and response.

    • AIMS

      I think you’re being fair. I would tell him this when you give him feedback. You can also inquire before he finishes a task by asking him stuff like “what are you working on now?,” “how is it going,” and “how are you doing X” … But ultimately some people are not going to be good interns and that’s not your fault and not something you can solve.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like you ended up with a young person who is not teachable; he resists taking direction and he resists being exposed as not knowing what he’s doing. Who knows why . . . maybe he’s very insecure and covers it by wanting to appear like he always knows what’s going on. Maybe he’s arrogant and truly thinks he knows better. Maybe he’s been a star all his academic life and doesn’t know how to handle himself when he’s suddenly the entry-level guy and other people (not much older than him, perhaps) are his superiors. Whatever the cause, since he’s an intern, it might be worth a far more direct conversation than you’ve been having.

    • Anon

      Interns are there to learn the working world. These behaviors are extremely unacceptable in the working world. You owe it to him to have the tough conversation and give him constructive but absolutely clear feedback. You’d be doing him a favor in the long run.

      Stop being soft (your word) and be a boss.

      Worst comes to worst, cut him loose.

  28. Drama

    I have some drama I would love your guys’ insights into. I live with three very respectful, generally kind friends in an apartment. When we first moved in, we agreed to our rent division based on the size of the rooms using the New York Times rent division tool to make sure it was fair / based on everyone’s needs. I got the smallest room that no one wanted, and I paid more than anyone else would’ve for the same room to allow us to reach a resolution.

    Fast forward. Our rent is going up this year by a little bit. I proposed that we split the increase proportionally to our current division of room rate, so that we honor our initial agreement around rent division. The roommate with the biggest room said, “I’d be fine with that, but I do wonder if we want to factor in the fact that I fold the dishtowels every week and do more decluttering. If everyone wants to divide that more equally, we don’t have to factor that in though.” My other roommate and I said we didn’t want to ascribe monetary value, and would love to help out in any areas she didn’t feel like we currently are.

    She then sent a laundry list of small house cleanliness things she felt we didn’t do well enough. Things like leaving any personal belongings in the living room, starting the washing machine for dish towels on our weekly cleaning night, or wiping down the faucets after we clean the sink. We have a chore chart in place for almost every chore imaginable and divide equally (i.e., we each already alternate who cleans the sink, takes out the trash, folds our dishtowels after they’re washed, etc). No one ever leaves a dish in the sink for more than a few minutes or anything like that, and I’d say our house is generally incredibly clean.

    To me, the idea that she’d want us to ascribe a monetary value to each of these minute things (including leaving a backpack in the living room etc) seems crazy. Especially because most don’t contribute to any additional work for her, and we already divide up the vast majority of the chores so rigidly. She does have a lot of generational anxiety about money, though she grew up wealthy and is currently probably .01% of earners for her age.

    How do I navigate this? I want to honor any expectations/boundaries she has around neatness if she communicates them openly, but I hate that it was delivered in the form of a laundry-list / resentment party and with the implication that we take advantage of her / owe her compensation for not adhering to her expectations about housekeeping that she never communicated to us. Am I being unreasonable? How would you feel or respond?

    • Anonymous

      I think you have to say to her point blank, Jenny, you are my friend and I value our relationship, but I’m afraid our visions for the apartment are not the same – I’m happy with the current level of cleanliness. Are you willing to compromise on that? I would be fine with you doing less decluttering, and I’ll take over folding the dishtowels [the motherfucking dishtowels??? how many towels do you people use? does this take more than 30 seconds???] since that seems to be a sore point.

      Just because she wants something to be a certain way doesn’t mean it has to be – you live there too. You all have to compromise. She is being crazy and I wouldn’t even suggest catering to her this much but she’s your friend.

      • OP

        Thank you!!! This is how I feel!! The dishtowel debacle is literally just turning the washing machine on at this point, since we added folding them to the chore chart. I also feel like it’s not unreasonable to leave things in the living room since it’s our shared space and nothing is ever messy? Idk – is it okay to leave a backpack on a chair or no?

        I’d be totally fine with accommodating these requests since I get people have different needs, but acting victimized because we don’t know her expectations prior to her communicating them is making me angry haha.

    • Cat

      Feels like there’s more to the story here. Like – does friend want to pay less in rent? Maybe she’d like to swap to the smaller room then…

      I think you should chat with the other 2 roommates to see how they feel.

    • Anon

      That is a crazy level of detailed chore breakdown and cleanliness already. Wow. If dishes don’t sit in the sink overnight and the house is generally clean-ish, I call that a win.
      Your friend’s expectations are too high.

      Signed, mid 40s woman with a family/kids who has never wiped down the sink beyond my biweekly maid service – I hope they are doing it, otherwise no one is.

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