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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’ve been on the hunt for a new black pencil skirt and stumbled across this ponte version from Talbots. Is a basic black skirt ever going to be the most exciting item in your closet? Probably not, but this faux leather waistband adds a little something on the excitement scale while still looking professional. Plus, it comes in range of sizes and cuts to ensure a perfect fit.
The skirt is $99.50 at Talbots and comes in misses sizes 2-18, petite sizes 0-16, plus sizes 14-24, and plus petite sizes 14-22.
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
I had promised myself a pair of Penelope Childers boots (high tassel?) in 2019. I never got them because of WFH and hen skinny jeans seem to be out and I don’t understand pants anymore. My 2017 boots are shot and fall is coming. Help me find some good boots (and ima be honest here, so read on what pants go with them (or ruffle puff dresses or longer skirts — IDK anything these days). Office is casual, so anticipate lots of wear as we go back to the office.
nuqotw
I wasn’t aware of these boots but I took a look and if that’s what you want then go for it! If you want to wear them with skinny jeans just do it, or else knee high boots always go with skirt that stops just above the top of the boots.
Anon
I personally like the Frye Engineer boots, but they are shorter and have buckles not tassels. I have some older michael kors boots, and I still wear them with skinny jeans and dresses. I usually aim for knee length skirts though. I’ve found skirts that are too long make me look shorter.
Anon
I have a weakness for most things Frye. Campus, Engineer, and something sparkly called (IIRC) The Deborah.
AIMS
I like the boots from Thursday Boot Co., and think they are all fairly classic and/or “in” for the moment. I also think they mostly all work with straight or bootcut jeans/pants/skirts. I have something like these that I wear to work on casual days with pretty much everything: https://thursdayboots.com/products/womens-downtown-bootie-black
Anon
This is sort of what I hate about boots. They are probably great boots for feet and look practical. And yet, I am drawn to boots that make my heart flutter.
Anon
I’ve been wearing a pear of Thursday Vanguards since 2019 and they’re wonderful – in for a resoling right now and I miss them.
Curious
They’re such great boots. I get loads of compliments.
Vicky Austin
Ooh, these are drool worthy.
Anon
I lusted after these for years and finally pulled the trigger last year. Comfortable and very well made, so I know they’ll last. I like the look and they’re very versatile: I wear to work and on the weekends. https://www.redwingshoes.com/heritage/womens/heeled-boots/Harriet-03473.html
Anon
I did not know they made anything but work boots.
Anon
I got into them for the work boots and then I fell in love with their Chelsea boots
anon
Oooh, love these.
Anne-on
I have two pairs of Boden knee high boots (one in stretchy black fabric, one in mulberry suede) and they’re both relatively comfortable and sturdy. I also like my Born boots – similar look as Frye, sturdy, but not quite as expensive. If you can find them on sale, Jcrew’s boots are good (though imho not worth paying full price for). I snagged a pair of cognac knee high boots last year for under $100 around Christmas that I plan on wearing this fall with maxi skirts.
Anon
I have these boots and love them!!! So comfortable. I get lots of compliments and wear them all fall and winter. Fair warning that they do not come in a wide calf version. My calves measure a hair under 15”, probably 15” in jeans, and they fit me like customs. Again, I love, love, love them. I call them my Kate Middleton boots. If you need a wider calf, I think Fairfax and Favor makes a dupe, but I can’t vouch for it.
Anon
What do you wear them with? Pant? Or skirts / dresses (if so: short? Long? Pencil skirt like shown above)?
Anon
First,I am not a trendy person, so not saying this is correct or fashionable, but I mainly wear with skinny jeans or pants, and have also worn with knee length tweed skirts and even knee length dresses (again, kind of a tweedy look …). I think they’d also look good with a longer skirt, I just like knee length or above the knee personally. I think their strength is with jeans, though.
pugsnbourbon
I switch between my very basic Blondo chelsea boots and my heeled Docs. I wear them with skinny and straight-leg pants, or midi dresses/skirts.
If you love the Penelope boots and they won’t eat your rent money, get them. If they sing to you, they sing to you. Life is short.
Anon
+1M to your last para.
Anonymous
I have been coveting the Penelope Childers boots for years. I don’t think flat riding boots have been in style since well before 2019, but these are special and not something you ever really saw in the States so they aren’t dated in the same way as ordinary riding boots would be. And they would look amazing with a tiered midi dress with poofy sleeves in a fall print. Life is short. Wear the boots.
Anon
There are trends and then there is style.
Really stylish people don’t wear trends or look trendy.
But then and wear them in happiness!
Josie P
Piggybacking on the post from yesterday about how many clothes: when do I know when to get rid of sheath dresses and suits, and how many should I keep? Just thinking about it now, I have 3 sleeveless black sheaths (2 funeral quality/wool, 1 uniqlo ponte that I wear all the time), 1 v-neck black with sleeves, white, green, red, burgundy, fuchsia, yellow, purple, plum w/ piping. I also have a bunch of suits that I haven’t worn since 2020. I only go into the office 2-3x/month now. WWYD?
Anon
It has been such a struggle to get a stable of items like this that fit well that I am reluctant to toss. I bought some black doc martins and wore them together last year. Turns out, I hated wearing pumps and not sheath dresses. Office is casual.
Anon
Same but with what I like to think are “smart flats.” Currently also looking at loafers with a bit of a lug sole.
Anne-on
If you have the room for them I’d keep them for now. My weight recently fluctuated a bit and I was SO happy to have some looser fitting sheath dresses from pre-covid times. Others have said it and I agree – office wear really hasn’t changed that much. I still see plenty of women in sheath dresses – what I don’t see as much is the uber tight Black Halo type dresses that seemed ubiquitous circa 2015
Vicky Austin
I’d keep them, but not in your closet where you have to rifle past them every day to find what you want. And I’d let friends shop my closet if they needed to borrow something.
Anon
If you still like them (they pass the Kondo test) and they’re not horribly dated, keep them. I have a few friends who got burned getting rid of work clothes and then their jobs RTO policy dramatically changed and/or they got new jobs and now need to be in office attire 4x a week instead of like once a month.
LaurenB
I’d keep as well. Now that events are coming back, you could always jazz up a sheath dress with jewelry for a wedding.
Anon
Keep them for another year or two. You will either wear them more than you expect, or you will not, in which case, donate.
Duckles
If I rarely never wear something that still fits/seems nice but seems inconsistent with my current lifestyle (ie, business clothes), I 1) get rid of anything, even nice things, I haven’t worn in 1 full year no matter what and 2) use 5 years as a hard cutoff for stuff I wore, like, once. If I bought it more than 5 years ago, whenever in my life I might need it again, it’ll be time to update and it can go.
Josie P
OK, thanks. I will keep – they are in a Container Store canvas thingy right now so they don’t get too dusty, so I’ll just leave them in there for now!
anon
A trick I learned once is to move all of your hangers so that the open side faces out. Once you wear something, switch the direction of the hanger. That way in 6 months/year, you know what you’re wearing and what you’re not.
I haven’t done this in a few years so this just reminded me to do it when I clean my closet in a couple days.
Anne-on
Has anyone used a handheld (at home) laser for hair removal? The pricing quotes I got at the local spas for face/legs/bikini was quite pricey. As I’ve heard others mention that menopause can cause regrowth I figured starting at with the at home model couldn’t hurt. Willing to be told to just spend the money with the pros if that’s best but as we’re coming up on hibernation season in MA I figured spending a few months with a cheaper option couldn’t hurt. I’ve got a very high pain tolerance so I’m confident I can handle doing it myself without any numbing cream if that’s a factor.
Anon
I have! I had mild success, but never could remember do it 12 weeks in a row. I would probably do 4-5 weeks in a row and then get off the bandwagon and then try again a month later but I definitely noticed less hair and noticeable bald patches on my legs.
I plan to fully commit and try again once I lose my tan later in the fall (I’m pale as a ghost in winter but tan very very well in the summer so figured it’d be most effective to wait).
I was using it on my entire leg, bikini area, and underarm. I definitely saw most success on my legs.
On my legs, I literally felt nothing. On my bikini area I’d occasionally feel heat when it zapped but never felt any pain. While my version says I don’t need eye protection, I bought glasses and always wear eye protection + turn away and look away from the device when its going.
I have the Braun Silk Expert Pro 3 model, and I bought from Target.
anon
No idea on current hand helds, sorry, but when I researched about 5 years ago they all seemed very fake.
In terms of actual next steps, I’d shop around a lot more and see if there are any deals to be got on groupon/equivalent. You have to really shop, and many are scammy, but in a VHCOL I got 6 sessions of legs + bikini + underarm for around $300 on a Soprano Ice laser and it got essentially all but my colourless/fully blonde hairs. I had to call a lot of the groupon spas to ask what laser they were using and then assess if that type was going to be good for my particular skin.
Anonymous
A friend at dinner the other day singing the praises of Nood, so I just bought one on the same through process as you. I’m also waiting a few weeks until summer tan fades to get started.
Mouse
I’m looking to try Nood, so let us know how it works for you!
anon
I used an older Philips model on my happy trail, underarms and bikini area. Results were best for happy trail (pretty much gone), okay for underarms (now sparse but still require shaving), and barely effective for bikini area (which also hurts the most). I think they do work, but not to complete satisfaction, so my recommendation would still be getting it professionally done.
Bella
I’ve used the Bella one that Costco puts on sale each fall. I’m pale white with dark hair, so ideal user. Honestly, if I’d known there was no/such little pain, I would have just sprung to have it done professionally. It takes 25-30 minutes/leg, and you have to do it every other week, so I view this as something it’s worth it to just throw money at to solve a problem.
Credit cards for travel?
I do remember seeing a post on here regarding credit card travel perks.
Our family of 3 has about $30k annual spend on credit cards for everyday things (groceries, eating out, gas, most bills). We travel overseas twice a year usually on major airlines (mostly Star Alliance), booking the occasional rental car and AirBnb. Our current card with the local credit union gives us cash back, in the order of $600 per year (I think).
We’d like to look into credit cards with useful perks for us, like airline miles, upgrades to business class, lounge access…
Any recommendations?
Cat
How much are you willing to pay for the card? Cards with lounge access have decent-size annual fees, somewhere in the $500 range.
But, we find we make the money back and then some – we travel enough that it saves us probably $20-$50 per flight, it covers checked bags, covers Global Entry, and we rack up miles so fast that we typically get 2-3 round trip tickets a year (one to Europe, others domestic) out of it. We are oneworld not Star Alliance, though, so no specific rec there.
You don’t start getting meaningful upgrade benefits until you “level up” in airline status, which depending on the program, requires a ton of actual travel or more than that amount of spending.
Curious
The points guy normally does a round up, and he’s never steered us wrong.
Anon
If you’re committed to Star Alliance and really want lounge access, get the United Club Infinite card. It will include lounge access for your whole family and will help you get status faster (although $30k is not a huge annual spend, so it’s not like you’re going to get status overnight). But it does come with a hefty annual fee – $525.
Also just FYI that upgrades to the trans-atlantic/trans-pacific business class cabin (called Polaris on United) will not happen unless you have status AND pay for an upgrade using miles and a reasonable but non-trivial co-pay (it’s normally 20k miles and $500/person each way for flights from the US to Europe, which really adds up for a family of 3). Complimentary upgrades to Polaris are not a thing, and even getting them using miles and the co-pay is very challenging, especially without a high level of United status. These days, the only reliable way to fly in Polaris is to buy it (“want first, buy first” as the saying goes in frequent flyer forums).
That said, domestic and Caribbean first class upgrades are easier to come by. I started getting them fairly regularly on leisure routes (including to the Caribbean) as a Premier Silver, which is United’s lowest tier, and now with higher status (Platinum) I get upgraded most of the time on all but the busiest and most popular business routes.
r*ddit.com/r/unitedairlines is helpful for questions about status and upgrades and airline branded credit cards.
Anon
*cries in premium economy on the SFO-EWR route as a 1k*
Anon
Oh yeah that route is brutal. It’s not even CPU eligible right? I tried to use miles to upgrade me and my daughter on ORD-SFO for this weekend. We got surprisingly close! #6 and #7 on a 60+ person upgrade list. But only three seats left in first. Sigh.
anonymous
Chase Sapphire Reserve might meet your needs. There is an annual fee, but you also get a yearly travel credit. We’ve had enough points to book free air travel. And it has built in travel insurance protection.
Senior Attorney
Yes, I have that one and have been happy with it. Also no foreign transaction fees. The annual fee is like $450 (that’s including one authorized user) and the travel credit is $300 so net annual fee is not that bad. And they pay 3 points per dollar on travel and dining, plus when you book through then they credit you 1.5x the amount of your points on travel, so it adds up.
Senior Attorney
Longer comment in mod but +1
Anon
I think it would be rare for any premium credit card to charge a foreign transaction fee at this point. The United-branded ones definitely don’t.
Cat
Same for the American cards. Not a distinguishing feature among this set of options.
Anon
They recently bumped the annual fee to $550.
Anon
Yep it’s $550 now. But it also includes DashPass and InstaCart+ which are big perks for a lot of people.
I have both a Chase Sapphire Reserve and an airline card. But we travel a ton and put waaaaay more than $30k/year on credit cards (thanks daycare!). For someone with lower annual expenses who only takes a couple of trips a year the CSR or even the cheaper Chase Sapphire Preferred is probably a better bet than an airline specific card.
Anonymous
Curious what others are doing/have done. Our youngest turned 4 in June. She’s 42lbs. The rest of my kids and family are vaxxed and boosted. We have not gotten Youngest vaccinated yet. We plan to before she starts K/turns 5, but are not seeing any compelling reason to get her vaccinated before then. She had her annual physical yesterday and the ped asked if we would like to do the vaccine with her other shots; I said “we were thinking about holding off until she turned 5, what do you think?” to which she said “that makes a lot of sense to me.” and there was no more convo about it.
Her preschool class is small and we know the families in it well. Most have already had COVID. The quarantine policy is the same with or without a vaccine. Nobody in our family or extended family is high risk. The only factor at play is that my 95 year old grandmother is in a building that requires all visitors to be vaccinated, but we rarely see her with the kids (and my youngest saw her a few months ago anyway).
We got my oldest vaccinated as soon as possible (9 at the time). We waffled a bit with our then newly 5 year old (who at the time she was vaccinated with the 5-12 dose was the same weight my 4 year old is now!) but ultimately got her vaccinated because it lowered the time she had to quarantine while in kindergarten.
Thoughts? We are pro-vaccine, so it feels odd to not want this for her, but the young child doses seem so much less effective, the variants are changing all the time (and the newer booster for the new strain is just now available, have not looked into what she would actually get). And my pedi who is very pro vaccine did NOT seem strongly in favor (eg. she didn’t even open a conversation about it, just left it at “yep makes sense.”)
anon
Yeah my ped wasn’t very enthusiastic about the vaccine for my under-5 daughter. We all already had Covid so…what’s the point? We don’t plan on getting her vaccinated and don’t care what internet strangers think about that
anonymous
For crying out loud, we’re in the middle of global pandemic! That’s nice that “nobody” in your family is high risk (except your isolated grandmother…), but I AM. I AM HIGH RISK! Are you okay killing me over this??? Every single person should be required by law to be vaxxed and boosted on schedule. It doesn’t matter that the vaccines don’t work against new variants! The question is whether you are going to follow the SCIENCE!
Anon
I’m high risk and very aware that vaccinated people are catching and spreading COVID pretty routinely at this point (probably as both a cause and an effect of increasing immune evasion). I’d much rather people around me be masked than vaccinated when it comes to my personal safety.
Anon
I’d rather both vaccines and masks! It’s silly to not get vaccinated and people who don’t, absolutely don’t care that they will make others sick and potentially die. The entire pandemic made me realize humanity actually sucks and is probably not worth saving.
Anon
+1. Also just because vaccinated people can spread it doesn’t mean they spread it at the same rate as unvaccinated. On an individual level it may not make a huge difference whether someone is vaccinated but on a population level it really adds up.
Anon
Narrator: “vaccinated” people spread COVID at similar rates:
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-risk-of-vaccinated-covid-transmission-is-not-low/
Anonymous
+1. Another high risk family here. But it shouldn’t matter.
Anon
Do we really know anything about the vaccine and current variants? It seems that we just know that getting vaccinated doesn’t stop you from getting it but we really don’t seem to know anything about whether in a healthy adult or child, it is milder, less transmissible, etc. If anything, I’d wait until the updated vaccine is available to you and go with that.
FWIW, in our household, the only person who clearly has had it was fully-vaccinated and generally mask-wearing at school even when no longer required. None of the other 3 of us got it (all vaxxed). At this point, I put the vaccine in the “not harmful” category but I don’t think it is a silver bullet anymore now that the virus has mutated. I hope the updated vaccine is more robust against the 2022 virus.
Planning to get the kid who had COVID a booster shot of the new vaccine once she is >3 months past having COVID (very mild, slight fever for 2 days; was kept home 5 days and returned with a mask for 5 more days per school protocol, which seems awfully loose but was per CDC guidelines).
Anonymous
The other thing to consider here is at the medical system we have now is not the same medical system we had before the pandemic. People who don’t get vaccinated end up in the hospital at higher rates and I understand that hospitals are seeing like 110% of prior procedure volumes and doing it at 80 – 90% staff, because doctors and nurses are leaving the professional at such high rates. So that is one more way being vaccinated benefits all of us. Signed, high risk family who ends up in the hospital for non-Covid reasons
Anon
LOL. The vaccine doesn’t prevent transmission. Let me guess, you got a pity C in your one and only college science course.
Anon
Some folks are just going to keep refusing to let facts get in the way of the story they’re telling themselves; don’t waste your time trying to convince them. I believe in vaccination; I got vaccinated and made sure my kid is fully vaccinated but I am a teensy bit frustrated with this idea that you cannot get Covid from vaccinated people. I got Covid in June from a person who was fully vaccinated, and who had also already had Covid, post-vaccination.
Anonymous
The fact that some vaccinated people can still spread COVID doesn’t mean that vaccination is worthless. Remember the “swiss cheese” model that people were talking about earlier in the pandemic? No single mode of protection–vaccination, masks, ventilation–is sufficient on its own, but if you layer them then the protection of one layer will overlap the holes in another layer and you end up with pretty decent overall protection.
Anon
I wouldn’t assume the doctor’s response means she agrees with you. There’s a good possibility that she’s had so many terrible conversations about vaccines that she’s now just going along with anyone who sounds open to getting vaccinated at all. I agree that the little kid vaccines are probably an underdose, but I don’t think I’d worry about that would would do it anyway. There’s a good chance that this will become like a flu shot, with annual doses, so just start it now and she’ll eventually get higher doses when she’s older. For now, the first shots are still the original configuration and I don’t think the omicron booster has been approved under 12s, but it will be eventually, or we’ll be on to something else and she’ll eventually get that. All evidence is that the original vaccine is still very effective against serious disease. I know the odds are low, but if the worst happens and she does get a serious case, would you feel like like you made the right decision by waiting? It doesn’t sound like you have any serious concerns about the vaccine otherwise, so let that guide your decision making.
Mid West
+1 I would rather give her some protection for the next year than no protection until next year. I fully expect that this will be like the flu shot, targeted at annual variants, rather than a one-time vaccination. And like the flu shot, lots of people don’t get annual vaccines based what they seem their risk level is. So I agree with the dr that this is your choice, you know your personal risks are… but I would still get it.
Anon
I get flu shots, but they don’t knock the wind out of me for a weekend like my COVID booster did. IDK if I want my 50+ booster now but during the week (I have a desk job and could schedule for a light week) or just wait until #s get bad (b/c the shots seem to wane after 3 months and my need for it may go up before they authorize more boosters). I’m not willing to lose 8 days a year for re-upping my booster to make it really effective, especially if having COVID seems to be less bad than having that many days of pretty bad side effects. Usually I’m pro-vax and have been in a study before. But it’s not like the cure is worse than the disease, b/c it’s not even a cure. We are vaccinated and boosted but for the >50 boosters and our house has still had COVID. It feels like a crapshoot.
Anon
Kids seem to have way less side effects from the shots than adults. Also I’ve had a fourth shot and had zero side effects from it besides a sore arm. My second and third shots were a lot worse. Your body usually reacts the strongest when you’re generating the initial immune response, so it’s very unlikely that annual shots would make you super sick every time. And even if I had to get sick every time I would do it. Covid is a really scary neuroinvasive virus with unknown but potentially serious longterm complications for a lot of people and it’s worth minimizing the number of times I get it. The booster side effects vanish within a few days of the shot.
Anon
Look at the actual risk profiles for healthy kids her age. The vaccine doesn’t prevent transmission, so that rationale is out.
Vicky Austin
It’s not that you don’t want it, it’s just that you’re waiting. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. You can revisit it during the year if she has to quarantine for longer periods as an unvaxxed person and it’s interrupting your family’s day-to-day life (backup childcare, etc).
Vicky Austin
Oh, I just noticed you already said it wouldn’t make a difference to the quarantine policy. But you could still revisit it during the year – it’s not now or next June only, and you’re not married to the current decision.
Anonymous
Why not get it? There’s no good reason.
Anon
Wait a couple of weeks so you can get the updated vaccine. I wouldn’t rush to get one today.
Anon
No you can’t. The primary series is unchanged. The omicron booster is only for those who have completed the primary.
Anon
I don’t think that’s true actually. Both a doctor and a pharmacist told me that an adult or teen who has had no vaccines or only one vaccine is eligible to get the Omicron specific shot as soon as it comes out. But unfortunately it’s not going to be available to children under 12. :(
Anon
The updated Omicron specific booster is unfortunately not going to be available for children under 12 any time soon. So no reason to wait.
Anonymous
Sorry guys, OP here. Meant to post it to the moms group. But thanks for the thoughts! :)
Anonymous
If you are not going to vaccinate her, then don’t bring her into a building of elderly people that requires vaccination.
Also, how many families you know in her preschool has nothing to do with this decision.
And I don’t think you actually got your doctor’s opinion. You got a response on whether she would disagree with yours. Call up again and ask the question neutrally. It may be the same response or not, but at least you can have more confidence in the advice being genuine.
Anonymous
OP here. Obviously she wouldn’t go into the building. Last visit was outdoors so it didn’t matter, and everyone COVID tested beforehand anyway.
Anon
I think that testing is always the better approach than relying on shots (esp. the non-omicron shots) or masks.
Anon
I am pro-vax and had my kids vaxxed as soon as I could but with respect to the high risk family member I agree testing is the most important precaution.
Anon
I am pro-vax and had my kids vaxxed as soon as I could but with respect to the high risk family member I agree testing is the most important precaution.
anon
+1. My daughter just got her second and she turned 4 over the summer. The best vaccine is the one you can get in your arm the fastest. We have a winter, school, activities and surges ahead of us. I want her vaxxed now. It’s supposed to prevent serious illness, so I’m not going to risk the next 10 months of serious illness when I have it available to me now.
Anon
Why not wait a week and get what should be a better tailored vaccine? That is what I don’t get. You can’t go back and get another dose.
Anon
The updated booster won’t be given to children under 5, right?
Anon
The updated booster is not available to children under 12 and there are no immediate plans for it to be. Unfortunately.
Anon
That is too bad. I would be interested to know how helpful the authorized shots actually are. It seems a bit like getting last year’s flu vaccine at this point. If I were old and with co-morbidities, I’d just take what was available but otherwise, I’d want something more on-point.
Anon
Even outdated vaccines keep people from dying and out of the ICU. And while the risk of a child under 5 going to the ICU from Covid is not high, it’s also definitely not zero. That is more than worth it to me. I don’t know how I would live with myself if I declined the shot and then my kid was one of the unlikely few who got seriously ill. And even a less than perfectly effective shot will make illness milder when you have it. I’ve had the flu with the shot and without and there’s no comparison. Flu after the flu shot is like an annoying cold. Flu without the shot made me feel like I was on death’s door for 10 days. Give me ALL THE SHOTS.
anonymous
Have you given your 4 year old the Tdap vaccination? Kids can get it in their arms right now!
It’s not recommended for young children, nor will it prevent the transmission of Covid, but neither will the existing Covid vaccine!
Anon
What?!?! The children’s version of TDaP (called DTaP but it protects against the exact same diseases) is absolutely recommended for kids in the US and is part of the routine vaccination schedule for infants. The P is for pertussis which is a very serious illness in young children.
The point of vaccines is not to bring transmission to 0, although it’s wonderful when they can do that. Flu shots are not very effective and don’t do much for transmission, but they keep people from getting very sick and needing to go to the hospital. Covid vaccines are no different.
Anon
I genuinely don’t understand why you wouldn’t.
Anon
+1. We were in the trial in fact. It can only help.
Anon
Thank you for doing that! So grateful to the trial kids for helping us all get a safe and effective vaccine.
KJ
The trial that failed to show benefit? Or a different one I don’t know about?
Anon
I think you’re making the wrong decision. Kids are low risk from Covid, but not no risk. A healthy child in my county died from it. Statistically the risks of the vaccine are much much lower than the risks of the virus, and the vaccine has zero risk of death. If you vaccinate your kid against other illnesses like flu I don’t understand why you’d skip this one. I got my similarly sized 4 year old vaccinated with Moderna as soon as she was eligible.
Fwiw the vaccine has been much maligned in the omicron era but I don’t think it’s worthless at preventing infection, especially if it’s recent. We had Covid in our house and DD and I were the only ones who escaped it and we were also the only ones recently vaccinated (my last vax was <2 months, hers was <1 month before Covid got in our house). Could it be a coincidence? Maybe. But I think the vaccines probably had something to do with it.
Anonymous
This is where I come down. There is literally no downside to getting it (my kids didn’t even have a sore arm), there will continue to be boosters, and I could never live with myself if my child was one of the unlucky ones who had a very bad case or longer term side effects from covid when I could have just gotten the vaccine. It also does reduce the likelihood of getting and transmitting the virus, even if it doesn’t fully eliminate it, and that’s a good reason for me as well. To me, it feels on a par with why I buckle my kids into their car seats. No accidents in a decade (knock wood) but why risk it? And for what it’s worth, pediatricians vary depending on where you are. Our pediatrician recommended the Moderna vaccine over the Pfizer one solely because w a two shot regimen, my 4 year old would be better protected several weeks sooner than the Pfizer one. So not all are on board with waiting.
Anon
Every physician I know has gotten their babies and toddlers vaccinated as soon as it was available.
Anon
FWIW, this definitely isn’t the case amongst the doctors I know (and I am in NYC, so not exactly the anti-vax capital of the world). Only something like 6% of kids in the 2-5 age range have been vaccinated in the US, so the response on this board doesn’t really align with the decisions that most parents of young kids are making. In addition, the vast, vast majority of countries outside the US are not recommending vaccination for kids this age.
Anon
She said “every physician” not “every person.” The point being that they people who’ve know the most about medicine see the vaccine as the right choice. It’s true for me too. Every physician I know got their kids vaxxed ASAP. I actually know several who got their under 5 kids vaxxed before they were age eligible.
Anon
Yeah exactly. I look to physicians as an indicator of what I should be doing. I definitely don’t look to the general population. The physcians I know definitely raced to get their kids vaccinated, including a couple ID docs.
Anon
Yes, I understood what she said. And in response, I said that is not the case for the *physicians* that I am friends with…. Obviously I have a small sample size of doctor friends, but they have not all vaccinated their under 5 year old kids.
lifer
+1
This is true for me too. I’m a physician and all of my Doctor friends/peers have vaccinated their under 5 kids. Several of my friends are Pulmonologists/ICU docs.
Anon
If you understood what I said, then why would you reference statistics about the general population?
Anon
Saying “only 6% of kids in the US are vaccinated” is not a relevant rebuttal to someone saying all the physicians they know vaccinated their kids. The poster’s point is that physicians are more knowledgeable than the general population, not that they’re representative of it.
Anon
I am the Anon who referenced the 6% vaccination rate for young children. Sorry, I should have started a new paragraph with those statistics. I figured on an internet message board where I was responding on my phone that people could figure out that was a separate thought after my comment about my doctor friends.
Anyhow, my point is that this board makes it seem like vaccinating a 4-year old is a slam dunk obvious choice, but in reality, very, very, very few parents have vaccinated their young children.
Anon
Not the anon you’re responding to but yeesh clearly those were two different thoughts. She first pointed out that not all the doctors she knows have vaccinated their under 5 year olds. She then made a different point that the commenters here are wildly out of sync with what parents in America are actually doing.
FWIW, since apparently anecdotal evidence about a specific group is more important than statistics about the general population, I also know several doctors who haven’t vaccinated their under 5s (but their older kids are vaccinated)
Anon
It’s a slam dunk choice for the most educated people in health care. Very very very few people are. I don’t care about the general population. If Covid taught me anything, it’s that.
Anon
“since apparently anecdotal evidence about a specific group is more important than statistics about the general population”
have you guys been dropped on your head? First of all, I was just offering a piece of information. Second of all, WHO CARES what the general population does? My point was that the most educated people I know are getting their kids vaccinated.
Anon
Anon at 2:52 I was responding to your badgering of someone who was also just providing information showing that the views on this board clearly don’t represent reality.
Please keep calling everyone stupid. I’m sure it will improve vaccination rates. Hope you don’t fall off that high horse.
Anonymous
Covid vaccination has been tremendously politicized in the US. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that the CDC is completely freed from political considerations. My impression is that very few other countries are recommending covid vaccinations for the under 5s. Frankly, the majority kids that young have already had an infection at this point. (Antigen data in the UK shows that ~75% were infected, thought most were not confirmed by a test at the time of infection.) We’re also holding off on our 4yo. I don’t see a good cost benefit case to vaccinating her against a strain that was circulating two years ago. Covid vaccination makes good sense for adults, but the picture for kids is less clear.
Anon
Other countries not recommending it may have more to do with supply. It’s certainly needed more for adults than kids, but that doesn’t mean kids who have access to it shouldn’t take it.
Also keep in mind that most countries generally offer fewer vaccines than the US. They don’t routinely vaccinate against chickenpox in Europe, for example, but we do. Unless you decline the chickenpox vaccine on the grounds that it’s not routine in other counties, I’m not sure why you’d decline this one.
anon
We got our 2 year old his shot as soon it was available. He’s had 2 of 3 doses, and we’re in the 3-month wait for the third dose. He has had covid since getting it, and it was extremely mild (sniffles and a low fever), but it was his (and my) third bout so we also had prior immunity.
Although I will note that our story is a good reminder that the fact that other kids in your preschool have already had it doesn’t matter much. Reinfection is very common in my experience; at least a third of the people I know have had it twice.
Anon
Yep I know many many people who’ve had it twice or more now and a few who’ve had it 3+ times. Prior infection doesn’t count for much.
Anon
Posted above, but this June I got Covid from my best friend, who had gotten Covid pre-vaccine, then got fully vaccinated, then got boosted, then got it again in the fall of 2021, post-vaccination. When she had symptoms this summer when we were on a trip together, I just felt like – no way could she have it again! but she had it. And gave it to me. She did not get significantly ill any time she had it, even pre-vaccination, but she’s a walking talking example of how prior infection AND vaccination is not enough to prevent people from getting symptomatic cases (even if the symptoms are mild).
Trish
Don’t get your 4 year old vaccinnated until she goes to school! People need to stop screaming. Listen to your doctor and your gut.
Anon
Her 4 year old is in school. The virus doesn’t care whether it’s play-based preschool or a more academically focused elementary school program.
Anon
Great evidence-based recommendation, there.
Anon
*snort*
Anon
I certainly do not want some people to trust their gut!!!
Anon
Good lord.
JD
We were lazy about booking the vaccine appointment since we’d gotten COVID as a family in May (first time, we were pretty cautious, but send her to preschool and my husband’s small office isn’t that cautious). My 3 year old got COVID a 2nd time in August, and we had to cancel our first flight since the pandemic started. I know the vaccine may not have prevented her catching it, but my husband and I didn’t get it (by home test/symptoms). The surges this year are impacting larger numbers of people, and our somewhat cautious household has already gotten it twice.
I’d get her vaccinated.
Ribena
Another adidas collaboration that some of you might like (given the reaction to my mentioning the Marimekko one)… they have a collection with Farm Rio! (I get so many adidas targeted ads, it’s getting ridiculous).
Also a recommendation to go with this one – if your company has any sort of colleague discount platform check if adidas is on there; I get a 35% discount! Which is why I’m buying Superstars and not Vejas haha
Anon
For those of you who just make exercise part of your day, how?! I go through periods when I work out a ton and periods when I go months without working out. I am a former college athlete who also recently had a wakeup call about how out of shape/not fit/overweight I’ve become. Of course, I have no plans to get back to my college self, but would like to be a reasonably fit adult!
I am very much an all or nothing kind of person, so I need to become someone who is just like this is who I am (a fit person) and this is what I do (workout, eat well) until it becomes ingrained enough.
When I had a less hectic life, I was obviously better at this but I work FT and am in school PT and while I don’t have the social life I had pre-school, I’m also not a hermit. I’m also always exhausted during the semester, so while I think AM workouts are probably right for me, it’s hard to pull myself out of bed when I was up late doing HW.
I really think I just need to shift my mindset from this is something I have to do to this is just something that I do
Curious
This may be a season of your life. Work and school is hard. Can you walk a little more? Do 5 minutes of weights each AM? Tiny increments help.
Anon
I think for health and happiness reasons, I do need to get back to somewhat serious workouts even while I’m balancing school and work. I also know to not compare myself to others, but I see a lot of acquaintances managing to do all of the above. Unfortunately, they’re acquaintances and not friends so I can’t ask them how they do it.
I should probably start with tiny increments and go from there, but I definitely need to expand beyond 5 mins of weights in the AM. I already walk a ton, but I do not view that as a workout.
Curious
Hmm, then you want the most bang for your buck. Can you do HIIT with strength exercises in the circuit (weighted squats and lunges) 2x-3x a week for 25 min? Somehow I find 25 min easier to slot in than 30. Consider burpees or modifications, inch worms, mountain climbers, jumping jacks, fast feet, any jumping. The old beach body workouts have some like this if you need a mindless thing to follow.
Curious
( for your races, as you likely already know, HIIT in the form of tempo running is a really good way to build cardio)
anon
If they are acquaintances, I would hesitate to base big strategic decisions on the little information you have about their lives. My law school roommate appeared to everyone to be on top of it all, working out for an hour at 5 am every morning, until she got a cold that turned into something else and left her incapacitated for the last 6 weeks of the semester. Was she in shape? Yes. Was that the best choice for her? Hell no. Your acquaintances are making tradeoffs too to fit in workouts, you just don’t see them.
Anonymous
Honestly, I need accountability. For some people, that’s paying for a group fitness class and knowing you’ll lose the $20 if you don’t show up. For me, it’s making plans with friends. I host a weekly meet up of my running group and RSVP to another of the groups meetups every week. Races, or another competition with your preferred sport, are another option. I have a very hard time making myself work out without that external accountability, although I did fairly well with a sort of sticker chart for myself during COVID and at-home workouts.
OP
Oh I should look into running groups!
I actually do a few races a year, but end up not training nearly as much as I should and run/walking them, which I hate doing.
Anon
Most of my exercise is cycling or walking for transportation in a pretty hilly area. It makes for some surprisingly good 5k times. I wouldn’t want to do a marathon on my paltry running base, but for short distance, my everyday activity is fine.
I also do my own yard work (everything short of removing large trees). Stump removal and brush clearing by hand is an excellent workout.
Anon
Do you have any friends who like working out or at least do it consistently? I’ve been the best about working out when I make it a social activity. I have two friends I meet for a class twice a week and we all agree that we are a lot better about going because we want to see each other
OP
I do! But, they’re all way, way beyond what I can do and since they’re all training for things, I wouldn’t want to hold them back.
For example, I have 5 friends training for upcoming marathons and half marathons and one of them is a former (and probably future) Boston qualifier…
We’re also a pretty frugal bunch so none of my active friends take classes or belong to gyms (aside from apartment/office gyms) so I think it would be hard to convince them to pay for a class.
Ribena
You might be able to join them for some of their easy miles midweek – even if your hard pace is their easy pace – or if you and they run at a gym you can have side by side treadmills no matter what the paces are
Anon
Lol their easy runs are like 3-5 miles at an 8min mile! My hard runs are 3 miles at an 11 min mile with some walking breaks! One day I’ll get back to their level, but it will take me a long time!
Also, since they’re pretty serious about running they don’t view workouts as social time.
Anon
It does not work to run with people at dramatically different levels. When I run with people a lot slower than I am, I just accept that I am not getting in a meaningful workout. The only other alternative is to run ahead, then back, run past them (so we run in opposite directions), and then flip back around. Or take random side streets and such.
The only thing that sort of works is if you join them at the tail end of their very long runs, such that you do 3 miles when they are doing miles 12-15.
pugsnbourbon
Or instead of running, could you all do a yoga class together? Do an Orangetheory or Barre trial period together?
Cb
I try and fit things in naturally. I do the school run and all local errands on the bike, walk when I’m in work city. Yesterday, I walked the 1.5 miles to the train station rather than hopping on the subway, which isn’t dramatic exercise but at this point of my life, I’m not going to be able to go to the gym every AM. When I meet up with friends, it’s often for a coffee and a walk. I don’t take the bus within work city – I just walk everywhere.
I have a Garmin watch and like to aim for 420 active minutes per week (you get bonus minutes for more vigorous exericse).
OP
Lol, my Garmin weeks range from like 0 minutes to like 750 active minutes a week.
I live downtown and while I have a car, I walk everywhere I go. The retired athlete in me still won’t let walking or leisurely/commuting bike riding count as a “workout”… I’ve also managed to gain weight while having a 30 min one way walking commute so clearly it’s not working for me
Anon
How fast are you walking? I walk about 13:30 minutes per mile, which, IMHO, is a workout. Former college athlete. :)
Anon
Well its my walk to work so I don’t go super speedily because I can’t arrive sweaty. Probably closer to 18 min miles. I’m also walking on city sidewalks during rush hour so lots of dodging slow walkers or strollers or dogs, waiting at red lights to cross, and the like
Anonymous
Weight gain is about what you’re eating. Full stop. If you’re walking half an hour a day, congrats you’ve made activity a daily thing for you already.
Anon
I see walking as being active but not a workout though
Curious
This isn’t strictly true. Upping activity with a baby made it easier for me to eat what felt like a nice amount (2000-2200 calories a day) and still lose weight. I had to pay attention to diet — particularly protein — and I counted calories for four months straight and still do but slightly less religiously. But it was walking with the kid and running around in the house etc. that kept my calorie use high enough to eat well but take weight off.
Anon
If it’s a weight thing rather than fitness, you need a different approach. You might want to cut down on the social drinking since you have mentioned previously this is a big part of your life.
Vicky Austin
Walking is totally a workout (and if it isn’t, I don’t want to know). I’d look for other possible changes to make if you’re dissatisfied with your weight gain.
OP
Weight is part of it, but fitness level is my main motivation. I just hate how far I’ve fallen.
anon
What works for me is that ideally I exercise six days a week, but I do a minimum of four. Four is easy to do if you just think that you need to schedule two weekday days because (for me at least), finding time to work out on the weekends is much easier. So currently I’m working out with a personal trainer two days during the week and then I run or whatever on both weekend days and if I do something else on another weekday, that’s great and I’m at five days. Obviously not everyone has resources for a trainer, but I’d aim for scheduled things on two weekdays – yoga class you’ve signed up for, group run, meet a friend at the same time every week, etc. I get not everyone likes group fitness but there is something about treating it like an appointment that makes the difference in actually doing it. When I was poorer in NYC and belonged to a cheaper gym, even signing up for the free classes there worked. Plenty of people have the self discipline to use the sweat app, or peloton app or whatever on their own, but I just don’t.
Grace
I don’t do intense exercise right now but I have kept up a strong walking routine for three years now (since before pandemic start). I have a walking app (Pedometer++) that gives me a challenge for me every month and I have completed every challenge for the last three years. The need to keep the streak going motivates me. I take a couple breaks throughout my work day to work towards my step count. Then I typically go for a longer later afternoon/evening walk. I also find that I really walk a lot if I explore an interesting, walkable city or town for the day as I’m so busy exploring that I forget how much I’m walking.
Anon
Strategically, set goals ghat are easy to meet anf easy to exceed, but are still meaningful. Example: run or walk four days a week for at least a half hour. You may go longer; you may go faster; you aren’t already failing by Thursday if you have only works out once. Four times a week is two weekday days, which is really doable. If you are slow, doesn’t matter. If you stop to walk, doesn’t matter.
Tactically, put your running stuff – ALL of it – out the night before. Shorts, t shirt, sports br@, socks, underwear, sneakers, Noxgear, watch, ponytail holder. Having it out is a commitment to yourself, and it eliminates spending 20 minutes hunting for matching tech socks and your Garmin when you are not even awake yet.
Anon8
I’ve found it’s easier to get into a new workout instead of going back to my old favorites. For example, I used to run and rock climb fairly seriously, but when I do those things now it just bums me out how far my skills have fallen. I have had a much easier time getting into weight training at home (Caroline Girvan hive lol). I think it’s been more motivating to see progress with weight training vs focusing on how good I used to be at my old sports.
Anon
Oh that’s a great suggestion! Whenever I run I get fed up that I can’t just go do 7 or 8 miles relatively effortlessly and that I’m hurting after like half a mile… I think maybe I need to take a break from running until I build up my fitness
Anonymous
I had to have an honest conversation with myself about what I could commit to.
– first thing in the morning. I hate getting up early, but this is the only time I can make it work consistently.
– exercise has to be out of the house. I just don’t get motivated to work out at home.
– there has to be a person holding me accountable, because I’m extremely motivated by not wanting to feel guilty if I’m late/no show for a person (even though I rationally know they might not feel the same way). So this means a trainer or a class I signed up for in advance that is expecting me to be somewhere at a certain time.
– has to be something I like doing. I tried to get behind trendy HIIT workouts, but I hate jumping and it’s physically uncomfortable to jump a lot with my large chest.
– has to not be a competition style workout. No spin class where they’re ranking you, orange theory where they’re keeping your stats… that’s an added stress that takes any fun out of it for me.
This means I either do weight lifting with a trainer or Pilates reformer classes (where there is a sizable “late cancel” fee and “no show” fee. By the way…. It took a few years to figure this all out and I had many years of extremely sporadic exercise.
Anon
This worked for me, might not work for everyone: I simply acknowledged that exercising daily has clear benefits for my “today” and “future” self. If I wouldn’t exercise, my back pain would be unbearable after a few days, so moving daily [weights or spinning or a long walk or yoga] is a must for me. Same way as I brush my teeth every day, twice per day. Exercise has the same place in my daily hygiene as brushing teeth. Once I have internalized this, I stopped looking for motivation and ensured I stay disciplined. My brain is not looking for excuses “why I don’t feel motivated enough today to exercise”, because it knows “this has to be done, period”. I have also found activities that I enjoy, that helps. Also, be realistic – some days, you will enjoy the workouts, some days you might not; some days you will lift your max, some days, you won’t etc. That’s all fine, as long as you get the workout done.
Anon
Thanks, I think this is exactly the mindset shift I’m looking to get into… I just don’t know how to flip the switch in my brain!
Anon
Don’t think of it as working out. It’s not all or nothing. I go for long walks just to see people’s gardens and digest dinner (a bonus of the long summer days)
Anon
I spend money on something I really enjoy and which has created community for me: OrangeTheory. I go four times a week at 5 am. It’s a non-negotiable in my schedule.
anon
+1
I’ve been injured but going to Orangetheory and modifying. I’m still relatively new and doing it a couple times a week. Even though I’m still not 100% consistent (the injury hasn’t helped), I FEEL it when I don’t go. It’s also been a good way for me to socialize. I was relatively new to the area when COVID hit so this is helping me get to know new people. It’s also helpful that it is a varied class. The exercises switch up and you’re getting a lot of bang for your buck (altho, Anon, can we just chill w lunges and shoulders FFS – I’m dying). The best thing I’ve found with these classes is that going to the same classes each week is REALLY great for getting to know the coaches who will hold you accountable. Remember, you just need to figure out what schedule works best for you. I do either mid-day when WFH or early evening when in the office. Mornings are a nonstarter for me.
OP, I understand how you feel re: running. I’m a runner – from high school on and when I start comparing myself to my 20 yr old self, I get frustrated. I made the decision to “clean slate” all my PRs etc. This way, you’re taking into account only your current self.
Finally, this one is cheesy, I LOVE putting old-school star stickers on a monthly calendar so that I can actually see how often I’m working out. It’s weirdly motivating for me.
Anon
So I think your biggest issue is the all or nothing mindset. That’s going to set you up to fail unless you can shift it. Something will inevitably get in your way at some point and then you’ll fall off the wagon. I know. This was me for years. Would be in a great intense fitness routine for a few months and then I’d get hurt or be sick or swamped at work. And I’d be like welp I can’t do my HIIT workout or my 45 minute spin class or whatever. And then I’d be like welp I missed my Monday workout, this week is a bust. And then I’d be frustrated a month later when I realized I hadn’t done a workout in a month.
What helped for me was making working out every single day non-negotiable. I went all in on it. I am someone who works out every day. And I don’t shower until I’ve worked out. No matter what. But that meant I had to let go of my idea of what a workout looked like. 5 minutes of yoga counts if I’m not in the mood to workout. But I still have to do it.
Not going to lie, for the first few months I had a lot of those mini-workout days. Now I rarely do other than on my recovery days where my workout is restorative yoga. I have worked out every day for close to two years now. And now a lot of those workouts are of the more intense variety. But I had to shift my mindset to get there. And celebrate the days where I did a five minute yoga as a win for keeping up the habit.
Basically, reframe success to be more about the habit itself and less about the specific workout and I think you’ll have much better results.
Anon
I agree about the mindset
Anon
I have a salary question. I spent several years practicing in one area of law before moving in-house a few years ago to do something very different. The previous area is not directly relevant but of course I picked up a lot of general skills that carry over. When I look at salary data to figure out what I should be asking for, should I be looking at my total years as lawyer, total years that match the current role, or something in between?
Anon
Total years as a lawyer, IMO.
Liza
I think the range for the particular role you’re doing will probably be best. If someone with half your years of legal experience could do the role because they have the relevant experience, that’s a good indicator.
Anon
In-house roles are based on level not years of experience.
Anon
But within a role, salary data is reported by years or experience.
Anon
Does anyone here quilt? Any favorite blogs, Instagram accounts, shops, etc. for someone (me) interesting in trying quilting? I can sew and fell into an amazing quilting rabbit hole on Pinterest and now I want to try it. But I don’t know anything about quilting. Thank you!!
Anon
I dabble in quilting and suggest that you start small and simple. The blogs/instagram/etc I found overwhelming. What I did was choose a few fabrics that I liked, determined the sizing I wanted, and then started cutting and planning out my design. You will NEED a cutting mat and round cutting scissor. Expect it to take 5x longer than you anticipated. I loved the process – but it took me forever to make a 50×60 lap blanket. I used a machine to sew my blocks together, but hand-quilted it. Buy the pre-made binding!
Good Luck!
bub
I have a million suggestions for this! I’ll have to come back later with more but suzyquilts (blog and videos) and Melanie Ham pretty much taught me everything I know.
Anonymous
I have a ton of suggestions for you! Firstly though if you don’t have a sewing machine and don’t want to invest in a ton of kit then have a look at English Paper Piecing, you only need fabric, scissors, needle, thread and a kit so it’s much less of an investment. (You attach fabric to paper shapes then join the shape and remove the papers, I glue the fabric to the paper which is much more fun than ‘thread’ basting). Check out a Paper Pieces or Tales of Cloth for that.
Otherwise Lo & Behold Stitchery does virtual classes and has a good blog, and also Suzy Quilts, Pen & Paper Patterns, Then Came June, Modernly Morgan are some of the big names on Instagram.
Fabric Pop is a fun small online shop, my fave fabric brand you should check out are Ruby Star Society.
Wren Collective has a good blog post on basics and I’d suggest starting with a small throw size pattern. Have fun!
Anon
Yep! I love it! You can easily get into a total Insta rabbit hole. I like Lo & Behold and Suzy Quilts and I’m sure you’ll discover others once the algorithm knows you’re looking.
Anon
I love this question. It really depends on your style of quilts you like. I recently did a pattern from Blanket Statement (theblanketstatement) on Instagram. Her instructions are really well thought out and approachable for a beginner. Once you get started on the Instagram quilt rabbit hole, that can be a whole new world.
One of the toughest parts about getting started with quilting is knowing now to accurately cut the parts to start with. If you have a local quilt shops (aka not a big box store, independent/small quilt stores)usually offer classes. There are some starting points that are a little easier to learn first hand. Quilt ladies (and men) are some of the nicest people and get so excited to help people get into quilting.
There are also tons of kits on Etsy you can buy that are pre-cut. Which could be good for starting out, if you want to power through a quick project to get your start.
If you are looking for on-line tutorials anything produced by Missouri Star Quilt Co (youtube) will not steer you wrong as far as techniques.
Anon
Any favorite self-help/non-fiction book? I love this kind of literature. Some that have really improved my life are tiny habits, intuitive eating, all of Gottmans stuff. Looking for other good ones.
Monday
Not self-help, but I strongly recommend Excellent Sheep by William Deresiewicz for high achievers who went to elite schools. It really helped me address what was wrong with the mindset and value system we learn.
Vicky Austin
I love Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb.
Anon
Yes! So good.
Cb
I’ve heard amazing things about The Art of Gathering. I also liked Cal Newport’s Deep Work, but I’m also waiting for his wife’s tellall…
Anon
Ha! Totally with you on Cal Newport’s wife. I actually also liked Deep Work and I’m normally very put off by that kind of book. There were some genuinely good insights in there, although I’m sure Being Cal Newport is not attainable for most people.
anon
Seriously. My take on Cal Newport is that he dumps all the family work onto his wife so he can focus on his super-important deep work.
Anon
Agreed!!
Anonymous
Here’s a weird one. How To talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
Anon8
Love these types of books for getting motivated.
The Hacking of the American Mind (terrible title, wonderful book.) Brain science about serotonin and dopamine and short term pleasure versus long term happiness. Written by an endocrinologist and extremely interesting.
How to Do Nothing
Designing Your Life – most favorite career book of all time!
The War of Art – if you have any creative pursuits, this is extremely motivating
Cb
How to Do Nothing is so, so beautiful!
Curious
I loved Four Thousand Weeks: Time management for mortals, which I believe I saw recommended here (thanks, Hive!)
Anan
Love this book!
Anon
I just started Nasty, Brutish, and Short: Adventures in Philosophy with My Kids. I am not a philosophy nut or a parent, but it’s been super fun and I am going to buy myself a copy to reread and make notes in once I am done with my library copy!
Anon
Any federal employees here who like their job but have thought about leaving because they feel like they don’t make enough money? I’m a lawyer, ten years experience (firm and gov), in DC, make like $135k and will never make much more than that, and single so I don’t have anyone to share housing costs with. I’m grateful for this salary and my colleagues but I’m just feeling like it’s not enough money long term. I can pay my rent, save for retirement, etc. but I’ll basically never be able to afford a house in a safe part of the city or nearby suburb and the government pension isn’t as good a deal as it used to be. Has anyone else thought through this? Did you decide to change jobs?
Anon
I just left local government because I was making 50k and it was unsustainable. A lot of my coworkers hoped to make the jump to federal because it pays so much better. Not in DC, but elsewhere in the Mid-Atlantic so it’s still not cheap. Loved my job, but literally couldn’t afford rent in a decent neighborhood anymore, even with roommates.
Anon
I’m surprised that you think you have topped out at $135k. I’m a fed attorney, but I make $170k. Have you looked for other positions that go up to gs 14 or 15? There is a big difference if you are making $160 or 170k.
With regards to buying a house, it’s true that it’s hard to do that on a single government salary. Would you be willing to move to Maryland? They are more reasonably priced houses there. Maybe consider a condo. But those are the trade offs to working in government
Anon
Have you considered trying to move to one of the financial regulatory agencies? They are on a different pay scale and the difference is significant. Having said that, there’s no shame in leaving government because you need or want to make more money.
Anon
It’s common at my boutique DC firm for lawyers to move back and forth between agencies and the firm. We understand the need for money and the need for public service completely. Your insight into how the agency works is helpful to us, and our money is helpful to you. No shame.
anon
I’m a state prosecutor and I’m looking to change jobs because I make 60k as an attorney with eight years of experience. I like my job but not enough to be broke all the time. The pension benefits aren’t a good enough reason for me to stay. Unfortunately my niche (DV and child abuse) doesn’t translate into the private sector very well.
anon
I’m not in law but I moved from private to federal and am happier even with the lower salary. Money is definitely tight but I’m able to buy where I am (West Coast COL, but think Sacramento rather than SF). You can get creative as far as locations go if you want to stay in government and afford a house on a single income. But if you’re married to living in DC proper then yeah, that’s just kind of the reality of things.
Anon
I am a long time state government employee approaching retirement. You are correct that you will likely never make significantly more as a government lawyer. You are also correct that governmental pensions are not the generous parachutes that the public seems to believe, especially when factoring in mandatory employee contributions. If you stay in government much longer, it will be more difficult to make a switch. You need to weigh the cost/benefits of your job against other options. For me, the flexibility when my kids were young, the diversity and level of my work, have made my career a great fit for me. I am certainly less affluent than if I gone another route. Your conclusion may be different, but it’s great that you are thinking about all of this and making a conscious decision.
anon
Yep, I was a longtime Fed (10+ years) who ultimately left in part because of burnout/lack of advancement opportunities, but also because of money. I was maxed out on the GS scale when I left (it was then around 165K) and I knew I would only be getting small incremental raises going forward, which just wasn’t enough. I’m in house now and really love it, and make (with bonus) just about double what I made as a maxed out Fed. I also have far better benefits, including great insurance (PPO) for my whole family at a low price, an awesome 401K match, and access to a mega backdoor Roth. I absolutely do miss the mission and camaraderie at times – but no regrets at all about making the jump.
ALT
Prefacing this with a request for no judgment…I feel enough guilt and shame already.
I currently make $50k and realized the other day that I am about $20k in credit card debt. It feels beyond overwhelming right now and I am so embarrassed that I let things get so far out of control. I am working on cutting down expenses to the bone so I can throw all my discretionary income at the debt. I’m working on getting a part time job with the intention of having that income go straight to paying off debt. I also have a therapy appointment next week to discuss my feelings around this and see what strategies we can come up with that are not “shop my feelings”.
Any advice or insight from you money smart ladies? I need some encouragement that this isn’t as life-ruining as it feels…
Anon
I think the advice really depends on how you got into debt. Where did the money go? Are you spending your entire paycheck on rent and other essentials or is the issue more frivolous spending?
Deedee
This is not life ruining! That is an amount of money that it is possible to pay off, especially if you are able to increase your income through a new job or a side gig. The best things you can do are 1. stop putting additional debt on ccs today and 2. work on your shame with your therapist so that you can problem solve from the best possible headspace. Hang in there and know how amazing it is that you were able to identify and start to address this.
Anonymous
This may or may not work for you, but this is what helped me. I really have a hard time stopping self destructive behaviors so in the case of shopping, my thought process was ‘who cares if I ruin my own finances, I’m just hurting myself’. Unfortunately or fortunately around the same time I watched the movie ‘the true cost’, which helped me reframe my thinking to ‘this thing polluted the planet and the woman who sewed it was abused in the factory’ so I just….can’t buy crap anymore because I’m aware of the harm it’s causing to others. I also got into yoga to fill the time void shopping left.
Walnut
Since you said “about” be specific. List the credit card, total balance, minimum payment, interest rate, all the details. Start obsessing, kick off a no spend month and attack this debt like it’s a job.
Start recording every penny you spend. Nothing is sacred. Where can you cut recurring expenses today?
Take a spin around the personal finance blogosphere (old posts too) and soak in a million strategies.
Senior Attorney
Yup. This. A very long time ago my then-husband and I paid of six figures of CC and other debt in less than three years. Google “snowball method” and do that. If you want to hear all the gory details, hit me up at seniorattorney1 at gmail and I’ll give you more advice than you probably ever wanted.
Anon
I really like Cait Flanders’s book The Year of Less. It’s not a how-to on stopping spending, and I think some people criticize it because that’s what they’re expecting. It’s a deep dive into her specific emotional reasons for doing so and, I think, more useful than somebody just telling you not to buy lattes or avocado toast anymore.
Curious
Oh, good rec. I enjoy her as a writer, and her style is not normally one I find compelling.
Anon
You’re doing exactly what you need to do – attacking the pragmatic effects and the root causes. It is a lot of money but not a lot of money – it’s a nice used car of debt, not a mortgage of debt.
Only other suggestion is to find a way to get the interest rate down.
Anonymous
Be nicer to yourself! 50k is so little money and life is expensive. It’s completely normal to be struggling. Debt isn’t a moral failure! Absolutely explore your choices in therapy and work to get out of debt and build savings but this isn’t a personal failure.
Anon
This is manageable! First, is there a way you can switch the expense to a lower interest rate card, or no payments for 12 months kind of thing? That will help stop it from increasing, if you’re not able to make the monthly payments. You should also start getting very on top of what you’re putting on your card. I used to give myself an “allowance” each day, so I stayed below my monthly target. If I didn’t spend it, I could roll it over, but it was so minimal, I had to advance plan for any purchases, and cut out extraneous ones.
anonshmanon
I just want to take a moment and applaud how you sprung into action once you realized the amount of your debt. Whether you were in denial in the past doesn’t matter now, unless you can get your hands on a time machine. But going forward, it sounds like you are tackling this problem with a very thorough action plan! Kudos to you.
Anon
This may not be a popular suggestion, but in addition to any other money you can put towards it, I would consider stopping any retirement contributions (assuming you are making any) and putting that money towards the credit card. Start retirement contributions again once this is paid off. The time frame you don’t contribute will be very short in the context of your working career and retirement saving. I would also keep the credit card at home and not have it in my purse, so I can’t use it randomly while out. And, once you pay it off do not charge it up again!
anon
+1
If you need to feel like you’re doing something for retirement, lower your contribution to 1%. I did this for a while and slowly increased. It felt good to at least know I was making some effort there.
Another maybe unpopular thought, you also need to save for emergencies. So maybe split the extra income into 2 buckets: debt and saving. Emergencies can be the downfall of any debt repayment process. By saving a bit, you can feel more secure if something does pop up. AND contrary to what THAT GUY says in his advice, $1000 is not enough savings for most emergencies. I
know it’s a lot. I went through this. I was using my card to supplement my income for necessities. The shame spiral was severe especially given the outside perception of what someone in my job should make/have their sht together financially. You can absolutely do this. Chip away slowly. Make some small goals and reward yourself (maybe it’s takeout out once you pay off $xxx or something like that). And remember to keep SOME things that make life feel good. You should not go down to absolute ground level with spending. Keep buying that latte or avocado toast or whatever cliche thing that makes you happy and is a relatively negligible cost. Life is short and you will not be able to do this long term if you cut absolutely everything out.
Anon
I had credit card debt in my 20s and I also wanted to start thinking about buying a house. So that was my motivation to pay a chunk toward my debt before I had any spending money, and I managed to pay it off in two years. I don’t know how your credit is but I did one of those 0% interest on balance transfers when you open a new credit card deals a couple of times so I was just playing principal, so that helped a lot.
I have slipped in and out of shopping too much. When I’m stressed out and often procrastinating at the same time, my thoughts go to where can I shop and where can I get a milkshake. Neither of these are good for me, so I try hard (not always successfully) to remind myself that I don’t need any new shoes or the calories of a milkshake, what I actually need is a break. The break doesn’t have to come in the form of shopping or eating. It could be reading a book in a park, or taking a walk, or watching a movie I’ve seen before and know I love. It could be staying in my pajamas all day on a Sunday. It could be a bath. It doesn’t have to be spending money or eating too much.
I hope this helps!
SC
This is not life-ruining. You can get out of this! Some of the best financial advice I’ve received is that the large items will matter more than the small ones. There’s this idea that we can trim our finances by making coffee at home and canceling Netflix and be fine. But $50K is not a lot of income. Boosting that through a side gig would definitely help. Also examine the biggest items in your budget–Can you save money on housing, transportation, insurance, whatever you spend the most on?
Anon
Be kind to yourself. Our spending got a little out of control this year and when my husband’s salary was temporarily cut this summer (something that was not unexpected) we had to borrow money from my parents to avoid carrying credit card debt. And our joint income is a lot higher than yours. It’s not good to have credit card debt, but it happens to a lot of people and you don’t need to feel shame to the situation. Just work on paying it off.
Anonymous
I don’t know how old you are or where you live, but I’d like to throw out childcare as a possible side gig. I pay $20-30/hr cash for a good sitter in the Boston suburbs. That’s more like $40/hr pretax if you are looking at part time work and already making $50k.
If they are evening jobs you could even work some kind of data input job after the kids go to bed.
Anonymous Canadian
Be kind to yourself! Credit card debt is easy to get into in this society but you CAN get out of it!! It’s great that you are talking to somebody. For concrete advice I can highly recommend any of Gail Vaz Oxlade’s books – she’s an amazing Canadian woman. Debt Free Forever (Canadian and US editions exist) and Becoming a Woman of Independent Means are both awesome. She had some great shows “Till Debt do us Part” “Princess” which you might find on youtube or someplace, but has taken her own advice and is retired now.
Good for you for taking control of this issue – you’ll feel so much lighter and be so proud of yourself when you kick this debt to the curb. Come back and tell us about it when it happens!!
IL
This isn’t life ruining, and may save you from so much more grief later in life!
Something I ran into in my early 20s, when student loans had me strapped, was that if I worked long enough hours I simply did not have time to spend money. So the part-time job may help in more ways than one.
Anon
In addition to what everyone else said, make a list of free or almost free things that you can do — by yourself, to hang out with friends, on a rainy day, etc. It’ll be a lot harder to not spend if you don’t know what to do with yourself on a saturday other than shop/go to target/etc.
Anon
I have done exactly this! I used a debt management program, which is a nonprofit with the express goal of helping people with this. The one I used was called “InCharge”. I had the same amount of debt and make a bit less than you. They negotiated with the credit card companies to dramatically lower the interest rates on all of the accounts (some to like 1%). I then paid them a set monthly amount for five years and at the end, I owed nothing more. I was free of it. It seems like a long time, but I knew I had to turn things around. They showed me a comparison in which I threw the same amount of money each month at the credit card companies vs. using their program, and the stats said it would take like decades with me going it alone. Credit card companies are FUCKERS. You can also totally pay extra, if/when you get another source of income. I finished paying last year; I cannot recommend this method/service enough.
Anon
I spent my early and mid 20s working in non-profits and managing to put away a decent amount of money while not making much money. I now make 80k and thanks to lifestyle inflation, I put almost nothing into savings (and previously had depleted my savings) and I am SO. STRESSED. I know I need to make a change, at least for my mental health and re-build my savings but obviously, am struggling to do so.
Back when I was younger and not making much I just never spent money. I never shopped. I always packed lunch. I rarely went out to eat. I never, ever traveled. I’m now pushing 30 and of course don’t want to live like I’m 22 anymore, but I also can’t keep spending my entire paycheck. My fixed expenses have gone up (I no longer live in a group house, I am in grad school part-time and paying for that, I now have a car (which I spend about $120/month on ($50 insurance, $70ish on gas. Parking is a $50 annual permit so not bad) so not a huge expense), I now have weddings to attend).
I know there’s a middle ground somewhere between living like a poor 22 year old and spending my entire paycheck, but obviously I am really struggling to find it.
Anonymous
It’s called a budget. You Need A Budget would be great for you. You absolutely can have some things. You just need to understand your limits!
Anon
Ok I have signed up and tried to start using YNAB and I really, really struggle with how to set it up! I might put aside some time on Monday to figure it out, if anyone has any good links!
Carrots
Couple of tips from a veteran YNABer:
– Watch the intro videos they have – they do help!
– Before you start creating categories in the tool, sit down and think about all your expenses, savings goals, and other spending points. Their default categories are immediate obligations, true expenses, savings, and something that’s along the lines of fun money. If you can split up your lines before you get in there, it will help. Whenever I do a fresh start, I can find their default categories overwhelming, and I’ve been using it for years.
– A lot of people will promote linking your accounts with it, but I prefer to do manual input because it forces me to actually acknowledge what I’m spending and the effect at that moment it’s having on my budget, versus just seeing it and clicking that it’s right.
– Check out the subreddit for YNAB – some people can be cranky, but also there are some good tips and you may find questions you have are already asked and answered.
Anon
Thanks!
Anonymous
Same! I actually asked about this yesterday. There is a lot of info on their site but I just committed to starting and being ok with it taking a while to get used to.
Curious
They have education videos and they are super worth watching. And then maybe a few more oh YouTube
Jo March
YNAB did not work for me at all. I used to use Mint and now use Personal Capital. I don’t have anything against YNAB, but it just wasn’t set up in a way that felt intuitive to me, which made me not want to use it, which led to overspending….
This was 1-2 years ago, but I went on YouTube and searched for demos of different budgeting tools and that’s how I picked Personal Capital, but I’d recommend that so that you can see features and the set up without having make an account and put in the time.
Anne-on
By spending your entire paycheck, do you mean you’re contributing to your 401k pre-tax and then spending what’s left every month? If so, I’d cut yourself some slack – grad school is expensive, and I swear weddings have only gotten pricier in the last decade or so. I’ve seen more advice to either turn down being a member of the bridal party OR asking ahead of time about the financial commitments and setting limits – yes I can pay for the dress/attend the shower, no I can’t do a 3 day trip to Austin/Nashville/the Bahamas.
Anon
I contribute to my 401k but don’t max it out (I think I do 8% contribution). I do need to keep building up my savings though in order to afford grad school (I am not taking loans). I’m splitting tuition with my employer, so I’m on the hook for about 15k and don’t have that much in savings so I need to keep putting money away to contribute towards that, to replenish my emergency fund, etc. I know I won’t build a 20k nest egg while I”m in school or anything, but I have such a low cushion in my savings stresses me out (like lay awake at night stressing).
Compared to many of my friends, attending weddings has been pretty affordable for me. In the past year I’ve had 5 weddings, but was only in 1 (and turned down an additional bachelorette invite I couldn’t afford). They’ve been like 50/50 local and non-local (but only had to fly to 1; non-locals I spilt a hotel room with friends). I try to re-wear dresses as often as I can so only had to buy dresses for 2 weddings (not counting the bridesmaid dress), I do my own nails, I almost always rewear the same pair of shoes. But, even just the gifts add up! And then, of course spent probably about $1200-$1500 for the one wedding that I am a bridesmaid in between the destination bachelorette, the bridesmaid dress/alterations/shoes, shower gift and wedding gift. Which, I know is wildly inexpensive (somehow?!) for a bachelorette!
Deedee
Will grad degree increase your salary? This may be controversial, but if I were in your position at your age and income level, I’d consider taking out a student loan for the $15K. That is 18% of your gross annual salary, which is a lot to cash flow, even over a two or three year program. It could give you a bit of breathing room to pad your e-fund. If you’re staying up at night with concerns about money, I think taking on a modest amount of student debt and aiming to pay it off quickly would be well worth the money. That being said, I think you’d need the discipline to actually pay it off and you’d still need to work on your budget to ensure you’re saving outside of retirement. Imo though having some mental peace might help you hold your resolve around discretionary spending.
As far as advice on actually budgeting, if you expect your salary to increase after getting your degree, you can employ some different strategies. My spouse is in school for four years before he returns to making a fair salary again, and I find it helpful to think about “delaying” HH expenses as long as possible given that we know our income will be going up by at least 50% in four years. Can we eek by with what we have or a cheap alternative rather than buying a new car, upgraded home appliances, etc.?
Anon
Yes, I think if I stay at my company I could get a 10-20k raise after I finish grad school and if I go back to my old job (which I would prefer; I pretty much transitioned jobs because I wanted a grad degree and new job offers reimbursement and old job did not) I could get an 8-25k raise. A lot of other jobs I had previously been interested in required a Masters, so I would also re-consider those jobs after graduating. I luckily paid off my car and my undergrad loans a few years ago and really want to avoid all future debt (except mortgage).
I do like your thought about mentally putting off purchases until after I’m done with school. I had already planned to keep my car until it dies, stay in my apartment until I’m done with school, etc but that’s a good way to think about other things I want (travel, even something silly like a Cuyana tote bag) to do too!
Deedee
Totally. For me it’s emotionally much easier to say “not now” to a purchase than “no”–even if I don’t ever end up buying it in the future. Currently employing the same strategy to avoid unnecessary clothing purchases while TTC!
Anon
I am friends with about half teachers / lower-paid people and half people who light their cigars with burning money. I could not fathom asking people to be in a wedding party if it cost them $1,500 (or even $500). Where I am from, that is real $. I actually didn’t even have a wedding party because it had gotten to feel extortionate (not from my circle so much as in DC/NoVa work and peripheral friend chatter and aggravation throughout our 20s and 30s).
I am honestly curious, how has the world gotten so comfortable about this? Is it just the marital-industrial complex? Or sort of the hazing rationale (this was done to me, so I get to do it to others)? I do not get it. My small-town family is sort of shocked at what goes on in the orbits of those of us who moved away to cities.
Anon
I do not know!!! Like I said, this sounds to be a “cheap” wedding to be in because the bachelorette was relatively affordable. I have friends who easily drop $2,000 for a bachelorette trip. It’s honestly obscene what I see on social media. I have a friend who “had” to go on a 5 day trip to an all-inclusive in Cancun for a bachelorette?! Are you kidding me! That was probably more than my annual pre-grad school travel budget and several days off of work!
Luckily, many of my closer friends are very low-key and I can’t see them wanting to do this. They’re also mostly a) still single so this is a bridge we won’t cross for a while and b) planning on no wedding party or a sisters only wedding party.
I’m very, very single but luckily my aunt has a lake house 1.5 hours from my city and so I already know my bachlorette will be a girls weekend at the lake house: an easy drive for everyone, free accommodations, and we’ll just hang by the lake and drink at the house so for the cost of tolls/gas and splitting groceries and drinks should be a very affordable $100 weekend :)
anon
It takes a certain amount of hubris and egocentrism to think that any of this is OK, in my humblest of humble opinion. I have no idea how the 20- and early 30-somethings afford this; I certainly couldn’t have during the time I was going to a lot of weddings. The shower and wedding gifts already added up quickly!
Anonymous
My son is pretty serious with a young woman whose family is wealthy. It makes me uncomfortable thinking about the kind of wedding they might have should they get married. We got married in a small church and had our reception in a restaurant for 35 people. My first cousin was register at Walmart and reception was at the legion. And I just got back from NOLA and was shocked at all the bridal parties running around.
Anon
Right? Like I hear that this demographic is drowning in student loan debt and yet I see that same crowd living “my friend is getting married” as a lifestyle for YEARS if not the better part of a decade. Is it that they are drowning so much that another 10K in debt is nothing? I do not get this. I remember a legit kerfuffle about one $200 bridesmaid’s dress being too much for a friend who was teaching at an inner-city Catholic school and we thought about chipping in for her but found something that was $60 that was really not bad and everyone was happy.
Anon
Anon 12:37, I will say that the demographic that does this is also not the same demographic that’s drowning in student loan debt. I always joke that I”ve made a life of being the one middle class person in a wealthier circle (free ride to fancy private high school, lots of scholarships to private college, I worked in non profits while my friends from these schools are consultants, lawyers, in finance, etc).
As I said above, my friends are lower key (which is why we’re friends) but most of my friends are rich through either families, their careers, or both. I have a few friends like me, but most of my friends didn’t have student loan debt and make very high 5 figures or low-mid 6 figures in their late 20s. My circles are lower key because for those who grew up with money, they’re not getting regular help from their parents and those who didn’t grow up with money are shoveling all of their money to loans and savings.
But, we all went to school with people with family money, family help, and good salaries themselves and what they can and do spend on weddings is absolutely insane.
anon
When I had a wedding/baby influx with my friends, I had to pick and choose what I could go to. Often, I’d try to share hotel rooms. There were quite a few bachelorette parties/showers I just didn’t go to. For baby showers, I’d send a small gift. People understood. There were some weddings that I didn’t go to. It sucked but they were people I wasn’t super close to and I couldn’t afford it.
Cut yourself some slack here and learn to say no. The FOMO may suck but, honestly, unless it’s a super close friend/family, you will feel so much better.
Anon
Thanks for that permission. I did turn down a bachelorette invite for a wedding I was not a bridesmaid in and also had to fly to because I just couldn’t swing it.
I’ve so far always been able to share hotel rooms or stay with a local friend, but I have one wedding next year where I won’t really know anyone except the bride and groom. Luckily, I know they are also both balling on a budget, so will ask them if they have any friends I don’t know also looking to share a room… or maybe by then I’ll have a boyfriend as my +1!
Luckily all of the weddings I have been invited to have been to close friends. In fact, the only weddings I’ve gone to out of obligation and not choice are family weddings in which case I’m staying with family and can suck up the cost of a gift and can re-wear a dress.
Anon
I think you should at least consult a professional about whether you’d be eligible for loan forgiveness if you took a loan now. Of course you’re going to feel very pinched paying for a $15k grad program on a $50k pre-tax salary. That’s a huge chunk of your salary.
$1,500 is not “wildly inexpensive” for being in a wedding. I was in my best friend’s wedding and it cost less than that for me *and* my husband to attend, which included two cross-country plane flights, a hotel for several nights and a $200 gift. She bought our dresses and we did our own hair and makeup and wore shoes and jewelry we owned. If I’d been single, I would have split the hotel room with friends and the total cost of attendance probably only would have been about $600-800. And we were 30-ish and all employed in good jobs at the time. I wouldn’t attend a destination bach or non-local shower except for a sister or BFF even now, and probably wouldn’t have attended a destination bach for anyone in my 20s when I was in school and paying off loans. This whole wedding culture thing is getting nuts.
Anon
Reframe. Packing lunch isn’t something only done by poor young people; lots of people pack lunch because it saves a lot of money. If you hate packing lunch, eat cheaper lunches (ex., Panera value duets versus their normal meals), skip the drinks or get one of those drink subscriptions, etc.
You do need nicer clothes as you age, but you don’t need a huge closet full of them.
Depending in where you live, not having a roommate might be a luxury. You might need to move to a studio or an older apartment. Cut cable. Figure out where your money is going.
Anon
I went from packing lunch 5x a week to packing lunch 4x a week and buying 0 coffees a week to buying 3-4 coffees a week, so I just need to suck it up and go back to the packed lunch and home coffee always. Which, for me is much more of a planning ahead thing than a I hate packed lunch thing!
Admittedly, my clothes are still not that nice – I never got out of the habit of buying Old Navy and TJ Maxx clothes (which, is also how I was raised) but back when I was young and poor if I bought 1 $30 work dress a quarter at TJ Maxx I was living large. I also discovered that I really like fashion and enjoy looking current. I still don’t buy a ton, maybe 3-4 things a season but it adds up.
This month was my first month living without a roommate! I was actually very content to continue to live with roommates but had a really hard time finding potential roommates who weren’t very young. At my age, all of my friends either live alone or live with significant others. I now live in a small, older, very affordable one-bedroom. While it’s more than I’ve ever paid for rent in this city, it’s like $500 less than any of my friends’ one-bedrooms. But, still walkable to work (so saves money there!). I was able to furnish the apartment for like $500 and a lot of Buy Nothing finds, no cable, I only pay for 1 streaming service.
In looking at where my money is going, it seems to be a little bit of wasteful/convenicnece spending (coffee, accidental duplicates of things like chapstick), things being more expensive than they were a year ago (rent, groceries) and what feels like a reasonable lifestyle creep from 22 to almost 30, which is where I sadly need to cut back.
Anon
I want to gently address clothing purchases. I am well into a professional career, make six figures, and do not buy 3-4 things per season, not even from discounters. I love clothing and my budget is not super tight, but there are just better things to do with my money. I do love clothes but anything above what is actually needed for your life is a luxury not a necessity. When finances are tight, you need sufficient clothing to get through a work week plus outfits sufficient for your activities outside of work, and that is it. No shopping just to shop. No extra clothes.
Anon
Thanks for this comment. I have a few holes in my wardrobe due to weight fluctuation and new job with new dress code and just new life circumstances (black tie weddings). Unfortunately, I am bigger than almost all of my friends (which I also would like to address once I’ve figured out my finances!) and can’t really borrow, but as I said I do try to buy second hand/discount as much as I can. But, all of that said, I’m sure I could shop less.
As a fellow clothes lover, is there anything you do that scratches the itch when you’re not buying clothes?
Monday
I am not the person you asked, but have been through this and thought about the question a lot. For me, I needed to figure out what I was getting out of over-shopping, and then I could look into other ways to meet that need. In my case, it was emotional self-soothing, dealing with boredom, a sense of rewarding myself, novelty, and playing around with colors, patterns and textures.
Anon
Yes – I think it’s mostly that I like pretty things, novelty, and rewarding myself. I totally gave up getting manicures and way cut back on pedicures (to once or twice a year when my heels are gross and need the cheese grater) and that had previously been my big “treat” to myself.
I’d also say it’s a confidence thing. I’m really uncomfortable with my pandemic weight gain and so I still want to look cute and feel confident when I’m out and it’s hard for me to feel that way in my body so I compensate with cute clothes. I was also socially awkward and the sole middle class kid so I often felt left out and awkward with clothes because I either didn’t get what was cool or I couldn’t afford it.
I probably buy about one thing a month, so it doesn’t feel like a shopping problem but more of shopping more than I should in this stage of life now.
Vicky Austin
Also this, Monday! I follow a lovely Instagram account called real.life.nutritionist who recently did a fabulous feature on emotional eating that addressed this sort of thing. What feeling are you trying to address with the food or shopping (for me it is often the food shopping!)? Could you address that feeling with a different tool? How can you fill up your toolbox for times like these? I found that framework SO helpful for so much beyond emotional eating – really all of my little vices, spending included.
Anon at 11:32
“As a fellow clothes lover, is there anything you do that scratches the itch when you’re not buying clothes?”
Mainly I shop online with my eyes not my debit card. I put together imaginary wardrobes for my actual or vastly improved imaginary life. I may even go to brick and mortar stores to “browse” and look at all the pretty things but leave my debit and credit cards at home to avoid the temptation to buy.
My biggest hint to you is to pick either black, gray, or navy as your dark neutral – just one of them, for now. Then fill it out with white/cream and the colors that suit you. To the best of your ability, set a color palette and buy within that palette. You should need fewer shoes and accessories this way as they will all be keyed towards one of those dark neutrals. The more all your stuff goes together, the more outfits you can make out of limited pieces.
Vicky Austin
I hear you. We moved recently from a small town in the middle of nowhere to a small city with a Target and fancier grocery stores and that kind of thing, and our fixed expenses went up with the cost of living and some other upgrades (like living in a house we can have guests and future children in!), and it’s so easy to toss just one more thing into the shopping basket…
2 big questions: Do you have a budget? Have you built a certain amount of fun money into it so you don’t go crazy and feel completely deprived?
Anon
I do, but I will admit I’m not great at sticking to it!
I have $100 for shopping and $300 for eating out/bars/entertainment, which feels like it should be plenty (I’m pretty frugal – mostly shop at Old Navy, Goodwill, TJ Maxx). But then I just had to buy a dress for a wedding (black tie, which I did not own). I got it at Nordstrom Rack so was only like $80, but there goes my monthly shopping budget. I swear, I have my monthly purchase planned out for like 8 months with things I want!
Vicky Austin
Heh, same! $100 has been my monthly clothes budget for years – it’s amazing how fast that gets eaten up.
My husband and I redid a few things about our budget recently and we now both have $150/month for “Personal” instead of $100 for clothes and $50 for haircuts. I don’t get a haircut every month; having that budgeted was sort of silly. He almost never buys new clothes, so having that budgeted was silly too. Could you combine your two budgets into $400 for fun money? Then when you want to hit a sale or something, you have a bit more room and can just skip takeout/the bar a couple times; but in a month when you have lots of socializing planned, entertainment can take up more of the budget.
Anon
Thats a good idea!
Anon
Honestly, it’s also helpful to know that $100 is other people’s shopping budgets. I definitely get wrapped up into other people are able to do xyz why can’t I?
For me, the shopping budget is anything that’s not food or necessary personal or home stuff. So, cleaning supplies or toiletries don’t count towards it but fun nail polish or make up or a new mug or home decor item does.
Vicky Austin
That’s about how we do it too. Glad I could be helpful!!
Anonymous
Pre-pandemic, my clothing budget was $100 a month and my salary is north of $500k. It does not have to be a place where you spend a lot of money. I bought a few higher end items and filled in gaps with cheaper things from Talbots and the like.
Curious
$100/month was my clothing budget, too, until size and shape changes post partum/post cancer meant nothing fit and I didn’t have time to look for bargains. It does cost more to have your size change. But you can also be smart about that — dresses, eg, often forgive size fluctuations more than pants.
Anon
Anonymous, that is so interesting to me! I know if I had your salary I’d have way too much fun with clothes :) I don’t think I have super expensive tastes – I’m currently drooling every Of Mercer work dress (but I never spend that much on one piece so I’m not buying anything), but I just think clothes are fun!
Clara
Grad school is expensive and difficult, definitely cut yourself some slack there.
In grad school we didn’t live like 22 year olds but when I met my friends working full time in consulting I definitely felt the difference.
One quick thing that helps me is also to set up auto saving of some % per month to savings. That way I know I can spend all of the money in my checking account, that’s what its there for.
I also set up alerts on my credit card so it tells me when I’ve spent above a certain amount, and do most of my spending on that credit card.
anonymous
Assuming you have direct deposit, can you automatically put part of your paycheck into savings?
Anon
I should look into that, thanks!
Curious
And consider using a harder-to-access savings account. For us, that’s American Express with no checking account attached, so we have to ACH to get the cash.
Senior Attorney
Yes, pay yourself first! Contribute to retirement, put an appropriate amount in savings, pay the necessary bills, and then the rest is yours to spend!
Anon
You need to budget and change your lifestyle. I think you need some tough love. You cannot afford to buy lunches and coffee everyday. You can’t go out for dinner and drinks, etc. You need a budget and you need to stick to it or you will continue to not have a healthy savings. Lots of people whose to enjoy their life and sacrifice their financial security. If you don’t want to do that, then make the necessary changes. Honestly, $80K is really not a lot of money after expenses depending on location. When I made $85k I brought lunch to work M-F and relied on the office coffee maker. I also had a roommate. When I made $68, I lived with 3 roommates! It wasn’t fun but it’s all about what you value. Having a roommate isn’t that bad if it’s only one. Highly recommend getting one if you live alone.
Anon
Thanks! I agree – 80k doesn’t go as far as I thought it would! I was making between 45k-60k until recently and so 80k sounded like SO MUCH MONEY but it’s really not!
I always still brought lunch 3-4 days a week, I was never buying lunch or coffee every day or grabbing dinner/drinks every night. But, I also think that’s why I’m struggling to give it up. Buying lunch once a week feels like such as minor luxury.
Unfortunately, I have 11 months left on my lease so cannot get a roommate now. I was looking for roommates before I moved though, and found it really hard to find someone at my stage in life still needing a roommate. It seems like everyone else pushing 30 is with a significant other or living alone. I do have a one bedroom in my desired area, but at least I found a good deal! All of my other friends in one bedrooms are paying approximately $500 more a month than I am! This is my first time living without roommates, I’ve only just moved into my apartment but before this I was living with 3 roommates as well!
anon
Two questions: do you really need to go to grad school? This obviously depends on your field. And instead of stressing out about penny pinching, have you thought about looking for a higher paying job? Even another 10k per year would give you a lot more mental freedom to buy coffee and reasonable clothing purchases.
Anon
Lol, I thought 80k was a high paying job! Compared to what I used to have at least…
As for grad school – it’s pretty common in my field for higher-level jobs to require grad degrees and I think I could increase my salary from about 8k-25k a year once I have the degree. I chose to go back to school now while I have a reimbursement benefit at my job and also purposely chose the cheapest option that I was looking at. Luckily, it’s a local school and I work with a lot of alumni from this program so it’s locally well-regarded but 1/3 of the price of the nationally well-regarded program I was looking at
As for a higher paying job – I’ve been at my job for less than a year, so I’d prefer to not leave so soon. My job is sponsoring 2/3rds of my grad degree and so I don’t want to change companies until after I graduate. I’m not eligible for a raise/promotion/internal job transfer until I’ve been at my job for at least a year so still have a few months to go until I can even have that conversation.
anon
I think 80k could be high or low depending on your city and your field. It seems like you aren’t a position to make big changes right now so I’d just put your self on a budget and do your best while you’re in school. Also, be gentler to yourself. If you aren’t going into debt and you’re contributing to your requirement, you’re doing better than a LOT of people.
Anon
I’m in an upper MCOL/lower HCOL area so certainly not NYC but also not an affordable place either.
That is a good point! No debt and consistently contributing to retirement isn’t doing horribly!
I’ve watched some relatives be in totally self-inflicted financial holes and while I’ve never been anywhere like that, I’ve noticed that I have some similar habits and so am very, very much trying to get ahead of this before it becomes a problem!
Anon
I second this. If you don’t have credit card debt and you are saving for your retirement you’re doing much much better than most Americans.
Anon8
I’ve recommended this here before, but Sarah Von Bargen’s Bank Boost program worked great for me. It’s focused less on hard budgeting and more about prioritizing what brings you the most happiness and spending money on that. For instance, I love to buy a fancy coffee and walk the dog through the farmer’s market. Since it’s enjoyable for me, I don’t feel guilty for it. On the other hand, driving through Starbucks in the morning doesn’t bring me much joy at all, so I’ve stopped doing it.
If you’re interested post a burner email and I can send you the course workbook.
Anon
I will look into this, thank you!
Anon
Your comment about daily Starbucks really hit home: I think a lot of my “useless” spending is really paying for convenience because I’m obviously busy with grad school and a full time job. If I made more money, of course it would make sense to pay for convenience but that’s not my financial reality right now. So, I think I need to work on developing systems that will work with my life as it is right now (aka busy and stressful).
So, can I get a programmable coffee maker on Buy Nothing so I don’t have to take the time to make coffee each morning but I also don’t have to stop and buy it? Or even if I can’t find one for free – $30 on a Mr. Coffee is like a week’s worth of buying coffee and it will pay for itself. Now that I”m not sharing a fridge/freezer 4 ways, can I be better about freezing leftovers when I meal prep or even spend a little more to stock up on Trader Joe’s frozen meals instead of take out?
Basically set up systems that make it too easy for me to not use them and thus not waste money on what doesn’t bring me joy? And then I will feel less guilty about spending the money that I do have in my spending budget on things that bring me joy
Clara
The thing with the Mr.Coffee is that you should also buy coffee and flavoring that you like so that it is an enjoyable experience. That way you won’t be as tempted to get Starbucks bc you also do like what you made at home.
Anonymous
This is the way for spending, healthy eating, tidying, etc. Set up your life so that the “right” thing is also the easiest to do.
Anon
If only I knew how to do that… lol!
If you have any tips on doing this and what has worked for you, I am ALL EARS!
Anonymous
If you’re the same Anon, you just listed some good ideas that will work for YOU. Meal prep or buy frozen meals from TJ’s so you have delicious food ready to heat up at home and don’t need or want to bother ordering out. I might splurge on a Nespresso instead of Mr. Coffee to avoid Starbucks because Nespresso is less messy, simpler, and tastier.
My personal issue with budgeting and healthy eating is that I get too exhausted to cook and want to order takeout all the time, even though it doesn’t even taste as good as my own cooking. When I keep freezer meals on hand or plan simple meals that require less effort and time than picking up takeout, I’m much more likely to eat at home.
Anon
My mom has a portable coffee mug that is also a French press! French press is my preferred method of brewing coffee and you can just put in the grinds hot water and be out the door. Add cream and sugar at work if you need. I also think tracking your spending would be helpful because you can see where your money is going and prioritize and budget accordingly.
Anon
wow,I didn’t know that was a thing. Very cool! Maybe it’ll go on my Christmas list
Anon8
Definitely! Also track what you spend money on for a week or two and be mindful of how you feel or even just take some time to reflect on it now without tracking. There are so many things you can do this with. For instance, I feel a dopamine hit followed by guilt when I shop online, but feel invigorated and connected to my community when I see a local play. Getting takeout feels meh but eating dinner out with friends feels amazing. You might actually feel the opposite of me, but that’s what’s so great about this approach– it’s personal.
Actually noting these things makes is SO much easier to say no to the online shopping because I’m acknowledging it doesn’t actually make me happier. And I don’t have to give things up that truly do make me happy.
Anon
I’ve never taken that course but gravitate towards this. If I don’t need to spend money on it – it’s not a bill – and it doesn’t being me joy, I’m not going to spend money on it because other people think it will make me happy.
Over time, that has looked a lot like buying almost no crap, a few good quality items, and most of our fun spending is on experiences and travel.
Anon
Wanted to thank you all for your insight and help. I am mostly a lurker, but I do occasionally ask for advice and this has easily been one of the most helpful threads for me on this board. I have a lot to chew on from this thread and thoroughly appreciate everyone’s comments. I already have a few changes in mind I want to try. Thank you all :)
anon
If you just moved into your apartment I’d wait a few months before freaking out too much. Any time you move, there are just a million stupid apartment expenses at target, container store, etc. Things may settle down a bit. If they don’t, I think you need to really just look at where your money is going. All the advice about coffee and packing lunch and stuff can be helpful. But honestly, it’s easier to cut a big expense (car, a wedding, etc.) and be done with it rather than constantly be worrying about every small purchase. I know everyone is different but I lived alone in NYC on a public interest salary at that age and still bought clothes, went out, and didn’t sweat a chapstick purchase. Something is amiss and you just need to figure out what it is. It could possibly be thinking you can pay for grad school on your salary. A small student loan might be a decent idea.
Anon
Such a great point, thank you! Yes, between paying the deposit on the apartment + buying all of the random little things it’s definitely abnormal spending. Also, I have to front the tuition before my company reimburses me its portion so fronting tuition + apartment deposit + a 6ish months of higher than normal (mostly my own fault) spending = my savings account is virtually empty which is what’s leading to a lot of mental stress.
I fully admit that my spending was, for me out of control, the last several months and so was not contributing to savings. I know I can reign it in, but because my recent history is “over spending” I’m stressed that I won’t be able to do so. I can, and I can still spend on some things I just can’t spend on *everything* like I was!
I have 2 weddings left this year and everything is paid for for both of them (dresses and gifts purchased, both are local so no transportation costs, I now do my own nails always), and then no weddings until next July.
pugsnbourbon
+1. Moving is so expensive, even if it’s just across town!
anon
Completely agree with all of this. While the little things indeed add up, I am also wondering whether the pay-as-you-go approach to grad school is going to work well, or significantly add to your stress levels. Just something to consider.
Anonny
I am in the throes of work/grad school/still trying to have a life and also am on a very tight budget, so I feel you!
I am exhausted all of the time. It feels like there’s always something I need to do and on the rare occasion I don’t need to do school work then I feel like I should see friends/family, workout, clean my apartment, etc. I was then tired and feeling deprived so I’d get a coffee, or a manicure, or whatever as a “treat”. I am slowly teaching myself that I don’t need a treat, I need an actual break. I’m working on coming up with a list of things that feel like a real break that I can do when I’m feeling over everything I have to do.
I have a list of things I just do not spend money on. Coffee, lunch at work, and new nail polish colors are all on that list because it was too easy to say oh its only $5 what harm could it do?
In order to fit in everything I need to do, I have to be stupidly organized. I am naturally not at all organized, so this feels like extra work to me. I learned from this board that my choices are to be rigidly scheduled and organized (which can feel stifling to me) but still have time for things I enjoy (seeing my friends, working out) or to not be so scheduled and be constantly overwhelmed and drop the ball somewhere. But, because being so organized is work for me, I need to recognize that and build in some re-charging time.
I block off every Sunday to be boring and get my life together. I do a longer workout, I run errands, I clean, do laundry, and meal prep. I do HW. I paint my nails. I schedule my week and make a plan for each day: am I going into the office? What HW am I doing and when? What workout am I doing and when? Do I have fun plans/what are they/will they cost money? Do I have errands/chores to do? Will it be a no-spend day? What will I wear and is it clean? What will I eat and is it already prepped? If I have time, I have dinner with my family but I don’t put pressure on myself to do that. This allows me to socialize a bit during the week in addition to work/school/the gym.
I have a list on my phone of tried and true meal prep recipes, workouts, and work outfits. I often don’t stick to this list, but if I’m stuck it’s an easy way to come up with what I’m going to do without devoting much mental energy.
I have to play defense against myself. I have TJs frozen meals in the freezer for nights I can’t cook/don’t have leftovers. I have granola bars at work so if I’m heading to happy hour I have a granola bar and I’m not tempted to order an app. I invested in Dazzle Dry so I’m not tempted to get my nails done. Every time I want to buy something non-essential, it goes on the wishlist and I have to think about it for a few days before I buy it.
I have a sticker chart for things I have to do (reading done before class, go to bed on time) and things I want myself to do (workout, stretch, eat at home). I use the stickers to buy things on my wishlist.
I only buy non-essentials once a month and what I buy has to be in budget, on my wish list, and I have to have enough points from the sticker chart to buy it.
Every Sunday I transfer $x to savings, $x to tuition savings account. $x to my credit cards. I like doing this manually and doing it weekly as opposed to monthly/on payday because it forces me to check in on my budget. Also, if for some reason I can’t make my savings contribution, then I’m only missing 1/4 of my monthly savings amount and not all of it. I also usually check my credit card statement 2x a week to make sure I”m sticking to my budget.
I have a slush fund for those unexpected purchases. My bike just got a flat and while the $15 to fix it isn’t breaking the bank, I’d hate to use my monthly $100 shopping budget on a flat. Ditto when I had to buy certain shoes as a bridesmaid.
I wake up early to get most of what I “need” to get done before work: I make time for some HW, a workout, and maybe time for pleasure reading or doing something around the house. This means I have to be good about a bedtime because I wake up very early. I set an early alarm M-F, absolutely no alarm no matter what on Saturday, and a later alarm on Sundays.
I plan at least 2 nights a week when I’m not doing HW. One to have an hour or two to chill and rest and one to go do something fun without HW hanging over my head. I fully admit that due to the workload this doesn’t always happen.
I’m in a program with compressed terms, but more terms per year. Some breaks are long (like the full winter break) and some are just the weekend. On that first weekend when the semester ends I do NOTHING. nothing. nothing. nothing. Usually I don’t realize how spent I am from spending 8-10 weeks going full speed pretty much all of the time.
Anon
Looking for a very light, delicate perfume I can wear to work. I know this is usually verboten but my colleagues are wearing pretty, light scents that aren’t overwhelming when sharing an office – the kind of thing you can’t smell unless you’re up close. Any favourites?
Anonymous
Philosophy has light scents.
anonshmanon
I have the fresh Hesperides Grapefruit, which is super fun to put on, and totally fades within a few hours. Maybe not the performance you want in a perfume, but good to not annoy colleagues.
Anon
Depends on what you like. My favorite light scent right now is Goutal Temps de Reves, which is a well-balanced Neroli + floral combo.
https://www.fragrantica.com/perfume/Goutal/Le-Temps-des-Reves-63616.html
If you like musk, Clean Reserve Skin (available at Sephora) is a musk with a little floral note, and musk tends to be what is called a skin scent, meaning it stays close to you and doesn’t project a lot. Another extremely popular skin scent is Glossier You. Rosie by Rosie Jane (also Sephora) is like Glossier You + rose.
And then there are aquatic florals like the classic L’Eau d’Issey or the more recent Acqua di Gioia. They tend to be clean smelling and also close to the skin.
I tend to order a bunch of samples from a place like Surrender to Chance and wear each for a few days to see what I really like. I also find scent samples on eBay, and that’s how I found the Goutal I like.
Enjoy your fragrance journey!
Anon
I had another thought. Jo Malone has a number of beautiful, light scents. If you have a Nordstrom near you they probably have a pretty well stocked Jo Malone counter where you can try them all. My favorites in the light range are Blackberry and Bay, Poppy and Barley, and Mimosa and Cardamom.
PerfumeAnon
Riddle has some lovely light perfumes that might fit the bill. I love their sampler kits where you can try difference fragrances.https://riddleoil.com/collections/sample-kits
AIMS
I think a lot of Jo Mallone scents would fit this category. Right now, I’m partial to Orange Blossom.
Mouse
I like phlur hanami.
A
Papillon. By l’artisan parfums.
Horse Crazy is back with more wedding BS
Help, I need jewelry for my wedding. I don’t own anything sentimental that I want to wear (literally the only sentimental piece I have is a fleur de lis necklace that someone I love dearly gave me, but I just don’t like it that much). I am planning on wearing my engagement ring on my right hand, but I have no other plans than that, and I don’t want to spend a ton of money. I’d like a necklace and maybe a bracelet? My ears aren’t pierced anymore, so I am open to clip-on earrings, or maybe no earrings (my hair will cover one ear). I wear mostly silver/white gold, am and open to pearls. I just don’t know where to look for something nice that won’t break the bank.
Anonymous
rent the runway! depending on how far out you are, I rented all jewelry and accessories for my wedding and I loved shipping it back at the end
Vicky Austin
My sister wanted our earrings to be a bridesmaid’s gift from her and she went with Olive and Piper. They are gorgeous. I love mine and wear them more often than my own wedding earrings.
Vicky Austin
And they have necklaces and bracelets as well, sorry, meant to add that!
Anne-on
Do you have big department stores near you? Or an area of town with lots of fabric/notions stores? I got some lovely sparkly CZ earrings and bracelets in Lord and Taylor – Macys, JC Penney’s and the other big stores all have a ‘fashion jewelery’ section. I’d go in over Labor Day weekend and browse!
Anon
Posting two links in the reply to this comment:
I always have liked the idea of this style bracelet for a wedding! I’m sure that there are silver-toned options available – apologies that on a quick google I could only find the gold-toned ones!
Anon
https://gldn.com/products/minimal-pearl-bead-bar-bracelet?variant=33599914246275¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=CjwKCAjwsMGYBhAEEiwAGUXJaTbsSda7CfL_wJ-hxUmc0tYYuQPXretPJHQ3kuZ0YQn3_hHv3EW4axoCxjoQAvD_BwE
https://www.jamesallen.com/bracelets/pearl-bracelets/14k-yellow-gold-freshwater-cultured-pearl-station-bracelet-item-131727?cur=USD&gclid=CjwKCAjwsMGYBhAEEiwAGUXJaVOmYCN83x3btY0pYUIe2L8ztMvihFaWXTh16QrPEA3-WUpy5wvgjRoCINAQAvD_BwE
anonshmanon
I loaned my bff some simple drop earrings that went with her dress, and she wore them as her something borrowed. Also loved wearing the same pair to my own wedding later.
Cat
what’s the neckline of your dress? Earrings and necklace and bracelet may be overkill.
Like – if it’s a boatneck I think large stud earrings and a bracelet only.
Deep V I might go for dangly earrings and a delicate bracelet – necklace might fight the V.
Strapless, small earrings, necklace, maybe no bracelet?
Etc.
pugsnbourbon
No specific suggestions but I’m an earring person, and for my wedding I found earrings that were seed pearls + small beads that matched one of our wedding colors. So maybe look for something with your colors as a pretty way to work that in.
Anon
Depends on the neckline of your dress but I think it’s generally a major earring with no necklace, or a focus point necklace and minimal earrings, but not both.
I like pearls for wedding things, and I would look at Etsy. If you search bridal jewelry you will see a ton of options.
anon
Check out https://www.baublebar.com/collections/special-occasion-jewelry
Anon
BHLDN has pretty stuff
Anon
I love Nadri for wedding costume jewelry.
BelleRose
You may not have sentimental jewelry, but does your family? My grandmother had the stones from her mother’s wedding ring made into a pendant, and I wore it as the “something borrowed” for my wedding.
Vicky Austin
Kat, I think the sales widget on the main page isn’t updating properly. I swear it’s been the exact same list of stores for a month or more, even when the workwear sales widget on the moms’ page shows something different.
Anon
Has anyone had IPL or v-beam treatments for redness (mine is Rosacea and scarring)? Anything to watch out for? I plan on avoiding the sun and liberal use of mineral sunscreen and hats the week of and after.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I had IPL but not for redness. Just make sure you’re not scheduled to go somewhere after the appointment. I was leaving on a trip immediately after (it was just a relaxing weekend away with my mom so I didnt really care how I looked), and my face right after the treatment was SO HOT and very red and blotchy. Would have loved to have gone home and been able to lay down with damp paper towels, ice packs, or something along those lines, on my face for about an hour or two. I made it through public transit and a long car drive, but would not be my preference to do it again. Other than just immediately afterwards, I was fine with sunscreen and a hat.
Anon
I posted an entire novel below, but I agree. My very no-nonsense laser-wielding RN provider made me show up with specialty medical ice packs already frozen so I could apply them to my face immediately. After a treatment I typically went home and iced/didn’t ice in a cycle for the rest of the day and did little else.
I usually made my appointments for the end of the workday so I just left work a little early and had no obligations for the rest of the day.
Anon
Oh yes, I have done this many times. I could go on forever.
The first treatments I had were over 15 years ago so laser treatments weren’t yet spa-like, they were strictly medical. The RN who offered the treatments had her own laser facility and used a Candela V-beam laser on me. She asked whether she could bruise me, which leads to longer lasting results, and I said ok. I left with little purple polka dots all over my face that she said would fade in a week, which took 3 weeks to fade on me. I couldn’t even fully cover them with makeup meant for covering tattoos. So it was a commitment, but after I went back for a few more treatments, I was pretty un-red and I was pleased with it overall.
Then more recently a new dermatologist suggested I have a series of three IPL treatments in her office (her IPL is BBL, which is not Brazilian B-tt Lift but Broad Beam Light) and the treatments left me slightly pink for a day or two, but no purple bruises. It was more expensive (a lot!) than my RN with the real laser, but the downtime was basically nil. Unfortunately I don’t think the results have been as long-lasting as with the more damaging laser.
Anon
I wanted to add another comment for anyone reading. The lasting redness from Rosacea is generally capillaries that have grown too close to the skin. The candela v beam laser treatment I had targeted each visible-under-magnification capillary and heated the blood in the capillary until it burst. Hence the bruise – that little bit of blood was now under the surface of my skin and had to slowly re-absorb into my body. I think all the IPL did was discourage, not burst, the capillaries, so in my experience the improvement didn’t last as long.
Either way, since you have Rosacea, which is treatable but not curable, your body is going to keep growing these capillaries over time. Past sun damage plays a role too, which is why a lot of us without rosacea have redness on our chests. So expect that this will need periodic maintenance.
Clara
Paging Anon from yesterday re: depression and going into work in person in 2 weeks
I was thinking about you later in the day because I’ve really been there. I think all the suggestions you got were great actually.
I saw your follow up about how do you even get out of bed and things like having your favorite breakfast or fluffy robe really do make a difference. That way you’re waking up and getting out of bed to do something you want to, not just to go to or start work.
Also, make sure you are getting enough sleep – its that much harder to wake up if you’re not well rested. And exercise can help in many ways – sure endorphins but also it can give you routine, something different to accomplish, make it easier to fall asleep etc
When I’m depressed I spend more on “little treats” – taking more Ubers, buying fancy coffees, etc etc but it somehow really does make a difference somehow. Give yourself space.
I also think Vicky Austin had a good point that your meds may kick in by the time work starts and that will make a world of difference.
Sybil
Anyone wear the Rothy’s Chelsea boots? I have a pair of the sneakers and I’m wondering if they have the same fit. I think I’ll want socks with them and might need to size up.
AZCPA
I have the Chelsea sneakers as well as the slip on sneakers. I have the same size in both, even though I wear socks with the Chelsea style and go barefoot with the slip ons. I also tried and send back the merino boots in the same size (they fit, just didn’t like the style). So I probably wouldn’t size up.
House Poor
Help talk me off a ledge — or chastise me, I don’t know. We just had our offer accepted for a house in a VHCOL (SF Bay Area) and I’m having anxiety about the huge expense. We’ve been living way below our means for many years in order to save up the large down payment, and now that housing prices have stabilized and we’re expecting our first baby, we really wanted to buy a house. We make pretty good money and the numbers do work out, but it boggles my mind that our housing expense will basically quadruple as we go from an apartment to a house. I think I got used to the DINK life where we didn’t really have to budget and could still save a lot of money and now I feel a little trapped knowing that I now have to work forever since there isn’t really anything affordable here on only one income that has a solid school district and a decent commute. Many of our friends have said that they wished they had a larger house/yard with WFH and their kids getting older, so we probably went for something larger than we absolutely had to. My family keeps sending me articles that the housing market crash is coming which adds to my stress. Commiseration or tough love?
Anon
I’m a homeowner in the Bay Area. It seemed like an absolutely ridiculous amount of money when we bought but it has been my best investment, long-term.
That said, your house is your home, not just an investment. Don’t watch Zillow maniacally after you move in. Just make your monthly payments and enjoy your home.
And remember that in the Bay Area during the worst housing crash in modern history (2008-2010) the housing prices in far flung areas like Antioch and Tracy were the ones that really fell. And even then, it was only temporary. The homeowners insurance who panicked and sold at a loss or let their homes go into foreclosure would have been far better off just staying put in hindsight.
Anon
(I don’t know why the word insurance popped in there but thanks Siri I guess)
Senior Attorney
And also? Many years ago I bought in what turned out to be a bubble and had to sell a few years later in a downturn, and even I lived to tell the tale. Bought a few years later while prices were still depressed and eventually that house appreciated a lot and here I am on a bunch of equity.
Enjoy your house and don’t listen to the naysayers!
Anon
first of all, post again later or tomorrow for more responses. i think this is a common feeling after getting an offer accepted on a house. i felt similarly in the sense that like, wait, what if this is the wrong house, should we wait for a different one, etc. also, i dont live in the Bay Area, but that is a different ballgame. and you cant compare to someone buying their first house in a LCOL/MCOL area. your family sending those articles is obviously unhelpful. all you can do is make the best decision you can with the info you have at the time. how do you think you would have felt if your offer wasn’t accepted? also – a reframe, how awesome that you were able to live the DINK lifestyle and not really budget while saving plenty of money to put you in the position to buy this awesome house as you expand your family
Anon8
I think this is a super common feeling when buying a first house, I certainly felt the same way. I actually hated my house for the first year I lived here because I was so overwhelmed by the expense and new chores and feeling tied down. That was 2018 and now I love my house so dearly I don’t ever want to move. I don’t have a lot of great advice except to hang in there and understand this is your brain processing a big change. You may feel like you made a horrible mistake, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. You were presumably in a rational state of mind when you decided your budget and made the offer, so trust that you made the right decision. And congrats!!
Vicky Austin
Totally normal – my husband pushed and pushed for us to buy at the top of our budget and then he had an utter panic about what the monthly mortgage was going to be once he realized how much of an upgrade we were making (ours quadrupled too!). Hang in there.
Liza
I completely understand the stress about “having to work forever,” but remember: if worse came to worst, you could sell the house and go back to renting, as you were before.
Anon
Tell your family to STFU. That’s so obnoxious.
If you like the house and can afford the house, enjoy the house. You lived below your means to get here. If the market crashes, that only matters if you need to sell. Otherwise, what someone would pay for your house isn’t a consideration until you need to sell it.
SF Bay
It sounds like you’re facing the issue (at least in part) of whether to buy a home at all. I’m a SF Bay Area homeowner and when I’ve faced the decision of whether or not to buy, the variable that has been most important has what my likely time horizon is. If you intend to stay in the Bay Area for a few years (or more) it could be a wise decision to buy a home. Housing prices have risen so much over time (even accounting for dips during downturns) that people who went to school with me and who decided to hold off from buying a home they could have afforded then have been priced out of the market. You also seem to be considering whether the home you’re in contract on may be larger than you need. My mother gave me some of the best advice I’ve gotten on home buying which was to buy a home that was large enough that we wouldn’t feel we needed to move in a short time. (The transaction costs of selling and buying homes are significant!) Re: a housing market crash, when that’s been predicted before there have certainly been price reductions but many neighborhoods have not been affected a whole lot. When I’ve purchased homes I’ve always been focused finding a home in an area with good public schools–even before I had a child. I figured that even if I never had a child that the market tends to be somewhat stronger for homes in areas with strong public schools. I’ve also steered away from neighborhoods with home prices that were hit comparatively harder in previous market downturns. (Within the Bay Area there can be a significant neighborhood differences in how home prices are affected by recessions.) Sounds like you’re already thinking about some of that. Good luck with your decision!
Anon
I bought in SF 20 years ago and my home has massively appreciated in value. I love living here and it’s a great comfort to know that spending on my home is also investing. You’ll be glad you did in time – even a “dip” is just not massive appreciation.
Anon
We felt the exact same way when we bought our house in the Bay Area and had relatives (not in the Bay Area) saying that we had bought at the top of the market and were going to regret it. I also had a number of co-workers and friends who had bought starter homes and were never able to upgrade so we also bought the largest house we could afford in a solid school district. The process of buying a home is so emotional and the amount of money caused so much anxiety. The worst part for us is that we ended up having to put down a larger downpayment than we had anticipated and were left with almost no emergency savings and barely anything to furnish our house and do some initial repairs. I’m saying all of this because we have never ever regreted it after the first few anxious months. Not only is it the best investment we’ve made, but we’ve also progressed in our careers so every year it’s a lower percentage of our income. I also love having a house more than I anticipated.
Anon
We felt the exact same way when we bought our house in the Bay Area and had relatives (not in the Bay Area) saying that we had bought at the top of the market and were going to regret it. I also had a number of co-workers and friends who had bought starter homes and were never able to upgrade so we also bought the largest house we could afford in a solid school district. The process of buying a home is so emotional and the amount of money caused so much anxiety. The worst part for us is that we ended up having to put down a larger downpayment than we had anticipated and were left with almost no emergency savings and barely anything to furnish our house and do some initial repairs. I’m saying all of this because we have never ever regreted it after the first few anxious months. Not only is it the best investment we’ve made, but we’ve also progressed in our careers so every year it’s a lower percentage of our income. I also love having a house more than I anticipated.