Coffee Break: ‘Bonnie’ Shawl Collar Skirted Coat

136 Comments

1. Yay, Kat! I love this coat. And at $595, it is afordable for me this winter. I will go look at Nordstrom this weekend! Yay!

   1. It seems to make the model look rather (as Laura Ingalls Wilder would say) dumpy. I cannot imagine how it would look on me.

      1. LIW was known for calling people dumpy? I can’t honestly recall her preference for the term…

         Also, not how I would classify the look on the model. I think the coat and the model looks lovely.

         1. Yes! Laura frequently described herself as dumpy, actually!

            I also think it looks pretty good on the model; however, I also live in the Northeast and know for a fact that heavy coats can only be so flattering.

2. Despite the fact it’s 90 degrees out, this coat might currently be useful since my office feels like it’s about 50 degrees :-/

   1. Right there with you, Gail. :(

3. I have a credit for Amazon Pantry and am feeling overwhelmed (or underwhelmed) by the concept and options. Can anyone inspire me by how you use it or share your experiences? What do you buy?

   I can see it for shipping out snacks etc to a vacation rental in advance, but we don’t have anything like that planned for the foreseeable future. We live in an area with good availability of items, so I’m struggling to think of something that I couldn’t get locally. I’m at 1-2 grocery stores a week anyway, so no real convenience added. There are a handful of staples that aren’t available at Costco, so I’m going to price check.

   Also, I’m kind of annoyed by the packing fee. On one hand, I get that packing the items takes staff time. On the other – isn’t that why I’m paying for Prime?

   1. FWIW, our household consists of two working adults, three kids under 6, and no pets.

   2. Hahahahahahahahaha.

      I read that as Amazon Panty.

      Still laughing.

   3. I’ve also been underwhelmed, and I’m a huge Prime fan. There are limited brands available on Pantry, and limited products as well. Some things, like round cotton swabs, aren’t available at all. That said, for me it’s still worthwhile because I live in a city with no car. Having heavier or bulkier pantry items like cleaners, toiletries, toilet paper, etc. shipped to me is nice.

      1. Can someone explain this to me — it seems so hard to reach 100% of a box without spilling into a new box and having a 90% full box. Do they ship in that case (90% full plus 5% full second box–would they ship the first box?) or do I have to find some magical perfect 10% item to fill the box?

         I also resent the additional fees–and the fact that the items I got Amazon Prime for (household things that I liked to ship) are now only available as Amazon Pantry items or at a jacked-up rate.

         1. I also resent the additional fees. I would just use Soap.com.

      2. I used my $5 Prime Pantry credit today. I mostly ordered bottled water which was cheaper than my store. This was my first time ordering. I played with it a while to add some smaller items like rice mixes to get to 98% on my box.

   4. I use it similarly to another reader: city dweller, no/limited car access. So, I ship La Croix seltzer, dishwasher soap, laundry detergent, cans of soup, beans and tuna, and dog treats. And pasta.

   5. I mostly shop at Trader Joe’s and only rarely make it to a “regular” grocery store, so I use for the things that Trader Joe’s doesn’t carry. My biggest complaint is that things are constantly going out of stock, so a bunch of the things I’d want to order aren’t available at any given time. I buy everything I can online, though- if I were already going to the store all the time it probably wouldn’t be worth it.

4. Making arrangements to go to Paris in May. Those of you who are Francophiles or have been to Paris, what is on your “must see” list?

   1. Have wine, baguettes and brie in one of the beautiful parks during the day.

   2. There are so many great museums I can’t even name them all. The Catacombs are kind of cool and morbid. Sainte-Chappelle is a beautiful church that may not be high on many to-do lists. I would highly recommend not missing is Versailles – it should be lovely in May. Eat a lot of pastries and crepes.

      1. Sainte-Chapelle is phenomenal. The lines there are quite short, and the church is covered by the Museum Pass. Easy to get to and very worth it.

   3. loved the Musee D’Orsay and the Rodin museum; I found the Louvre overwhelming but loved the Tuilleries. Eat the bread, everywhere.

      1. +1 to the D’Orsay. Also the Picasso museum

      2. i just came back form a week in Paris earlier this month. make sure to add butter to the bread!

         we did a day trip to Champagne and a day trip to mont st. michelle, st. malo, and dinan. both trips were well worth it.

         do the arch de triumph at night — its awesome. and buy a museum pass. it gets you into most museums and was great to pop into some random ones for an hour or so that we otherwise wouldn’t have gone to. the army museum was actually really cool and there is no way I would have gone in there but for its inclusion in the museum pass.

         Luxembourg gardens was very cool — and if you play tennis, you can play there.

   4. I highly highly recommend a cooking class at Le Foodist (I did macarons!), they were amazing and the class was fun.

      I loved Sainte-Chapelle, Versailles, and ALL the museums (but I am a museum lover). The Picasso one just reopened, and it’s great. I really thought the Eiffel Tower was overrated, but, I guess it’s the thing you go to see.

      And while it won’t be in guide books, a friend was living there and she suggested SoPi (south of pigalle), which is the new hip area. We walked down Rue des Martyrs and they had so many great little shops, I got all my souvenirs there.

   5. I think it depends on your interests. Some people love the history, or the culture, or the shopping, or the amazing food… There is so much to see and do and it’s more enjoyable if you narrow it down to what you really want to see rather than attempt to do everything.

      Some of the traditional must sees are the Louvre, the Eifel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe/Champs-Elysees, Notre Dame, Versailles (day trip). I’d also add Musee D’Orsay if you like impressionists and the Basilica Sacré-Cœur in Montmartre (the view of Paris from that hill is amazing and walking around Montmartre is lovely).
      Also, the Rodin Museum is really fun and even if you don’t go into the house itself, the gardens are beautiful and contain many of his sculptures (including one of the Thinker). It’s only a euro to visit the garden.
      Other things I’d want to do: stroll around the Luxembourg Gardens (look up the marionette shows), walk along the Seine, go to the market to pick up a fresh baguette and brie and have a picnic in one of the many parks, eat all the croissants (esp. the pistachio ones with chocolate), drink rose everywhere and just get lost. Seriously, make sure you have a day or two to just wander around and get lost in the crooked little streets.

      I don’t think you need to go up the Eifel tower, personally (touristy and time consuming imo), but I do think its fun to climb up to the top of Notre Dame (esp. if you read the novel but even if not – its a great view of the city and you get to touch the bell and see the gargoyles up close), if you’re short on time skip Versailles, but if you do go, make a day of it and really explore all the grounds (make sure you go to the cottages where Marie Antoinette pretended to be a shepherdess and check ahead to see if there are going to be fireworks). If you go to the Louvre, go to Café Angelina afterwards for delicious sweets and hot chocolate. Definitely learn to use the metro as Paris is very spread out and bring comfortable walking shoes (that are not athletic sneakers). Try to learn at least a few phrases in French, even if its just, “bonjour, parlez-vous anglais?” Avoid restaurants that have menus with pictures or in three languages. Enjoy!

   6. Thank you everyone! Very helpful!!

   7. Agree with a lot of the above. One additional tip — we were in Paris in May and a day trip to Monet’s home in Giverny was beautiful and very memorable.

      1. +1

   8. Musee Rodin! My absolute favorite museum in the world.

   9. Centre Pompidou, the big flea market, Napoleon’s mausoleum. I ate lots of typically French foods but was craving something spicy pretty early on in my trip – I would go back to Paris just to eat at this Sri Lankan place in the 18th (right near Clignancourt) called Restaurant Aruja.

   10. Versailles
       st Chapelle
       Notre dame
       D’orsay museum
       Tuileries park
       Luxembourg gardens
       Just walk around……

   11. my favorite museums are the orangerie and the rodin museum (the garden in the back with sculptures is only 1 euro to enter!). get macarons at pierre hermes and laduree. eat lots of pastries and cheese. go to APC to shop. go to the top of montmartre. walk along the river at night.

   12. Try a raclette place to eat! It’s a lot of fun.

5. I just went under contract on a condo that I really love in DC, so this may be a belated question to the Hive but — what are people’s thoughts on the wisdom of renting v. owning? For background, I’m in my late 20s, single, and a government lawyer. I’m really glad that I’ll own a spot in a good location in DC that will be “mine.” I also like that renting the condo out down the line if I want to move to a bigger place is an option. But I know experts debate whether it’s better to buy a home or use that money to invest in other markets and rent instead.

   1. I think buying is fine if you’re buying a place you like to live in to fix your cost of housing going forward. (Which is a big assumption. I’m pretty frugal as a renter but I really wanted to upgrade, upgrade, upgrade once I became an owner.)

      Renting out can be dicey, esp. if you want to sell (right of first refusal, etc.). But if your job is stable and you don’t see moving soon and you aren’t overbuying, I think it is conservative, financially.

      I think buying can be reckless under different circumstances.

      1. Yep, “upgrade, upgrade, upgrade” is why I had to selly house. I was too fascinated by remodeling. With my condo, I can’t upgrade. It is way better for my sanity. (I am still fantasizing about new kitchen cabinets and countertops but it will have to wait.)

   2. I think rent v buy in HCOL areas mostly hinges on whether you can get a great deal on rent. If you have a landlord who doesn’t charge market rent or who doesn’t increase rent to market rate every year, renting can make a lot of sense.

      I didn’t have that kind of landlord. I bought five years ago to control my living expenses after yet another 15% rent increase. The mortgage payment was about the same as rent but I hadn’t considered taxes and maintenance. I ended up selling that house this spring for a nice profit but I am not convinced it was a better investment than stocks would have been. I now have a condo within walking distance to work. I never once considered renting again. I like living in a place where I can make changes and repairs myself.

      From a financial perspective, I have to pay for a place to live. If I rent, I will never see any return except for what I can pocket while I am renting. That depends on finding below market rent.

      When I buy a place, I have about 20% higher expenses, but I get most of that 20% “back” through lower taxes (property interest deduction and mortgage interest deduction). The principal (assuming a stable housing market) becomes a savings account for when I sell. The property taxes and mortgage interest are my only sunk costs and are significantly lower than rent for the same place. In my experience, homeowners insurance and renting insurance are a wash.

      1. when you say you made profit on your house, are you taking into account all of the money you put into it, taxes, realtor fees etc, etc? (that you wouldn’t incur renting) I feel like a lot of people don’t take that into account when they say they made a profit of xyz. Not doubting you padi, just my general experience and I’m curious how you did the math.

         1. Yes, even considering reno and selling costs, I was lucky enough to come out ahead. I bought after the housing collapse and in a neighborhood that recovered nicely.

            My condo? No, I don’t expect it to appreciate quite as much in the next 5 years. There will be a lot of new supply in my neighborhood to compete with.

            But, rents in my neighborhood are increasing and expected to keep increasing as more people move in and gentrify the area. So I don’t plan to profit but plan to have stabilized housing costs.

      2. “From a financial perspective, I have to pay for a place to live. If I rent, I will never see any return except for what I can pocket while I am renting. That depends on finding below market rent.”

         And it depends on having the discipline to actually pocket your savings, and not spend it on something else, which is what I’m currently working on.

         I am pretty pro-renting (and also in DC). I have friends who plan to leave the city in the next few years who bought places and honestly I just don’t get it. I plan to be on DC indefinitely– both DH and I work in very DC-centered jobs– and still am not convinced the costs of homeownership are worth it, especially in a city where you pay SO much more to buy and be near a metro.

         1. Same.

      3. I’m curious how much insurance is where you’re at that you consider homeowners and renters insurance to be a wash. In my state, the average H policy is often referenced at about $130/mo. I pay less than that for an entire year of renters coverage. Just curious if those averages for H policies are exaggerated–I’ve obviously never gone through the process of getting a quote since I don’t have a home to actually base it on.

         1. I believe my renters insurance was about $200 per year in 2009. My house insurance was about $450 per year and my condo insurance is about $300 per year. So the max difference was about $20 per month. When spending oodles of money on a house or rent, it is <=1% difference in overall cost per month. I consider it a wash because utilities can vary by that much each month.

            1. Just checking in–thanks for the response. Those home and condo insurance rates are definitely lower than I’d seen, that’s good to hear!

         2. I pay $20 per month in an apartment in the midwest.

   3. There is a rent vs buy calculator you can check online. http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/upshot/buy-rent-calculator.html
      I think whether it ultimately makes sense depends on where you live and where you see yourself in 5 years. In NYC, the prices are absolutely insane right now and as much as we would love to buy a place and put down roots, it makes more sense for us to rent for the very immediate future because a) we pay below market rent for our current apt. and have a good relationship with our LL, and b) I think the prices in the city now are at a bit of a bubble. I might be wrong on that last bit, but I just don’t see how buying now would make financial sense for us. If they remain high or go higher, I think we’re just going to try to move to a bigger rental and buy a weekend place upstate with the money we’re saving for a down payment now.

6. Recs for an eye doctor in Northern Virginia or downtown DC? I went to My Eye Dr last time and didn’t appreciate it. I need an actual ophthalmologist if possible.

   1. Opthamologist: Samuel Stopak, Columbia Eye Associates, at 25th and M
      Optometrists: Kristin Glaslow (might be getting her name a little wrong), at MyEyeDr Dupont – I hope this isn’t the one you didn’t like
      I also once saw, and liked, Dr. Tommie Lee, who is at the For Eyes in Metro Center. I would not recommend the rest of the shop, just the doctor.

      1. I also go to Stopak.

      2. Thank you! (No, I went to one out in Arlington)

7. We are invited to a wedding in Panama in February. Since it’s rather expensive to get there, I would like to stay in the country for a week or so (I’m not sure exactly where the wedding is, but somewhere close to Panama City). My quick research about beaches, resorts, etc. has left me kind of underwhelmed. Has anyone done a beach/jungle vacation to Panama and if so, any tips?

   1. Can you go through the Panama Canal? I studied it as a child and watched a documentary on its building and find it to be completely fascinating. Oh, and Walter Reed / yellow fever / etc. So much history. Would love to do a Panama Canal cruise (but am not a cruise person at all otherwise).

      Did you know that in the canal, you get to the Pacific by going East? It’s how the canal is situated on the isthmus.

      Also, Colombia is very pretty.

      1. + 1 million. I feel like you could go almost anywhere else to a beach and even a jungle. But where else could you visit a man, a plan, a canal – PANAMA! (and get a cool hat to go along with it)

   2. I went to Panama in 2009, so my recommendations may be a bit dated, but here goes:

      – My favorite spot was Bocas del Toro. The highlight was taking a snorkeling/scuba boat tour to a bunch of smaller islands, including lunch at a restaurant over the water serving incredibly fresh seafood. The town of Bocas is small but had decent restaurants.

      – I was disappointed in the San Blas Islands. That was the area that I was most looking forward to. We stayed at a small resort on its own island, with cabins over the water. It sounded amazing. But in practice, the islands are so remote that the food was quite limited and everything was kind of damp the whole time. Like staying on a wet sandbar.

      – I wish we’d gone to Boquete. It looks amazing and I’ve heard great things about it since then.

   3. Check out El Valle de Anton. It should be about 2 hours from Panama City, and is a good mix of nature and relaxation.

   4. I went a few years ago and liked it much more than I thought I would. I stayed in Panama City for a few days, in the Casco Viejo area (Magnolia Inn- great location, nice rooms, not fancy, very helpful staff), then went to the San Blas Islands (I can’t remember which island I stayed on offhand. It’s like living on a desert island- little huts made of sticks. The accommodation is _very_ simple, plain meals are included – because there is no place else to go- but it is beautiful and relaxing, if you are into that kind of thing. If amenities are important to you- like having a private bathroom in your hut- this may not be the place to go. It is VERY basic.), then a few days at the Gamboa Rainforest Resort, which was much more upscale (it’s not really that fancy, just compared to the island hut), and had lots of opportunities to go hiking and so forth in the rainforest. Definitely go to the Panama Canal viewing center and museum. Going through the canal is interesting, but you get the best view from the museum.

   5. I am sorry and I mean no disrespect but really? Panama? It sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

8. Really long and heavy thread-jack and not sure what advice I’m looking for other than “you’ll get through this,” but since I know a lot of us have some mental health issues, I thought I’d reach out.

   A few weeks ago I posted here about my live-in boyfriend, recently out of the military, and going back on a lot of the plans we had for the future. Well, you ladies called it. About a day later, I went to work and then to yoga, bought groceries to cook us a nice meal. I came home to find he had moved out and said goodbye with a note. After 2 years, ring browsing, hypothetical children-naming – a note.

   I have suffered some minor anxiety and depression in the past, but the absolute shock of this caused me to have some kind of psychiatric break. I ended up in the hospital for suicidal ideation. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I’m doing a lot better now, on medication and seeing both a therapist and psychiatrist.

   The night I was hospitalized, the police called my mother as she kept trying to reach me, and explained to her what happened. My mom and I are very very close – we talk almost every day. I spoke to her the next day and apologized. The last thing she said to me was “I gave you a great childhood and it’s not my fault you turned out insane.”

   Well, now my mom and my older sister refuse to talk to me – won’t answer my calls or texts. I sent an email apologizing again, explaining how I got the help I needed and need them in my life. No response.

   I just am really struggling with the fact that they would shut me out at a time like this. I guess it’s only been a few weeks and they’re still recovering from the scariness of the cops calling – but it just seems so cruel. In one fell swoop, I have lost three people who mean the world to me. What do I do now?

   1. I think your mom and sister are being really cold- this surprises me, I could never do that to my sister, I’d be more worried about how to support her.

      1. Consider that there might be more to the story of OP’s past anxiety and depression, and mom and sister may already have tried to support OP without success. I say this because I have a sister who suffers with mental illness and the way she handles it (or doesn’t) is very difficult on our whole family. The only way we manage is by taking turns responding to her needs so that no one family member gets compassion fatigue. It is particularly hard when my sister blames one or many of us for her unhappiness, so although I very much disapprove of the OP’s mother’s choice of words (particularly using the word “insane”), the sentiment resonates with me in a heartbreaking way.

         1. Regardless of the past, this is the occasion where people who love you step up.

            OP – so many hugs to you. Your family sucks. In time, you’ll be able to look back at this and realize your breakdown was also the moment that you learned that you can’t count on your mom or sister in a crisis. They’re making it about them, and that’s just bullshit. Stop apologizing to them. In fact, stop communicating with them if it isn’t helping you. Take care of yourself first.

            Please keep posting when you’re up to it. We want to know if you’re okay.

   2. anonforthis, as someone who went through a pretty significant mental health crisis about six months ago, I just want to tell you that it gets better and that I am thinking about you. As far as your mother and sister go, that is an incredibly disappointing reaction but maybe they were just incredibly shocked and felt inadequate as far as saying the right thing? I am not trying to make excuses for them but I think some people are really, really bad in crisis because they just do not know what to do. To the extent that you have close friends that you feel comfortable confiding in, please do it. This may be a time when your friends prove to be a lot more important than your family. Again, thinking of you.

   3. You keep going to therapy as often as possible. You reach out to love- whether that’s your friends, your church, a support group. You know that what your mother and sister have done is cruel and wrong and not a reflection on you. You eat the fancy chocolates and remind yourself that you are worth everything.

      1. I love this answer. Remember, you get to pick your friends, you don’t get to pick your family. If they are heartless or cruel right now, look elsewhere for support-there will be someplace you will find it. The fact that they are blood doesn’t mean they are not just plain wrong right now.

      2. Yes, this entirely! Your family is being horrible and their behavior is inexcusable. Find support and love elsewhere because you are worth it!

      3. This is a great response. anonforthis, I am so sorry that you’re going through this incredibly painful time; but I’m so glad that you got the help that you needed. You will get through this.

   4. I am so, so sorry. Some people still struggle with the stigma of mental illness, and it sucks and it’s not fair and I’m sorry.

   5. No answers, but I am so so so sorry that your Mom and sister are responding this way. It’s not you, it’s them. (And apologies in advance, because reading that last statement is going to hurt, too.) Internet hugs.

   6. That’s terrible. I could see my mother saying something like that. And we are pretty close too. I think my mother has this terrible fear of mental illness (ironically, I think my mother has issues herself that a therapist would really help her with, but I know that will never happen so I don’t bother) and she definitely is one of those people who perpetuates the stigma. That type of reaction is really just about her issues, and nothing about you. People who fear mental illness don’t know how to react and often they use anger as a coping mechanism. I’m not saying this to make excuses, like others have said, but rather to tell you that you’re not alone, and that I think a lot of commenters on here could see themselves in the same situation, unfortunately.

      Hang in there, check in, and I’m sorry :(.

   7. Your mother and sister have had a temporary break with reality. They are the problem here, not you. I hope they come around – but for now take care of yourself. My now-husband had a similar breakdown about 6 months before I met him. I would never have guessed if he hadn’t told me. For him, it was a really good thing (long term) because it prompted him to take care of his mental health and not just his physical health. You’ll be more than fine. You’ll be awesome!

      1. I agree – your mom reacted terribly to a very very stressful situation and it does not mean you’ve lost her forever. She’ll come around.

      2. Yes, this. You know now, and you’ll learn more in therapy, but you can only change yourself.

         There are some things you have to apologize for – having a normal reaction to a crazy-making situation is not one of them. You do NOT have to apologize or change yourself to fit your family’s image of you. You are YOU and you’re pretty awesome and taking great care of yourself. Keep it up to be strong enough to face the many positive changes and hard work ahead of you. I am so glad that you got the help you need, and that you posted on here. Many people can relate to the bf, the family, everything (yes, my husband took a leave from work to deal with depression & anxiety issues).

         Thank you and I wish you the best!

      3. I am in no way trying to excuse their behavior, but I could totally see my mom getting so mad at me if I attempted to or seriously considered taking my own life. To her, it would be a betrayal. Like you, I’m very close to my mom and she’d be asking herself all kinds of questions, like why wouldn’t I talk to her first or let her know how much I was suffering. I also wonder if your mom is religious. We’re Catholic, and with suicide being a mortal sin, my mom would be even more upset. I’m not just betraying myself and my family (in her eyes), but I’m also betraying the Church and God. Again, I’m not trying to justify their actions, I’m just suggesting reasons they may be acting this way.

   8. He dumped you with a post-it?! I am so sorry that your mom is not responding in a helpful way. That sounds incredibly hurtful. Do you have any friends who can support you during this time?

      1. Yup – a bizarrely cryptic note about how he loves me but has to do this. Appears I am not the only insane one…

         And yes, thank god for amazing friends coming to the hospital and yelling at the doctors and walking my dog etc. Don’t know what I’d do without them!

   9. I am not sure what you are apologizing for. Are you apologizing for the fact that you needed to be hospitalized or are you apologizing for not calling them before getting to the hospital and cops had to call them? In either case, you have nothing to be apologetic about. It hurts to know that you are kind of abandoned by people who you considered very close to you. You are in an extremely difficult situation. But you are not at fault.
      Right now, you get all the medical help you need, let the things settle down and then evaluate if those people were really worthy of your love and trust.

   10. It’s hard to believe he dumped you with a post-it and your mother, who you’re so close to, dumped you unceremoniously as well. Wow.

   11. Don’t waste another second trying to figure out why your Mom and sister have bailed on you right now. Focus on your mental and physical health. Lean on the friends and family that have stood by your side. When you are stronger, then you can deal with them.

   12. You are absolutely right. They are being cruel. You have nothing to apologize to your mother and sister for. They are the ones who should apologize for being so awful to you in your time of need. A breakdown can happen to any of us, and when it does, the ones who love us should come to our aid.

       Please just take care of yourself and keep going to your therapist and psychologist. At some point, probably after some more time has passed and you have more emotional strength to deal with them in the event they react badly again, you should tell them how hurtful their behavior was.

   13. First, you are a person of infinite worth – and you are worth loving. That people don’t do it is a reflection on them, not you – and if you mentally flip the roles, you will understand this on a gut level.

       Second, I might be overstepping my bounds here, but… people often find things in their significant others that are familiar to them and remind them of family. That you chose a seemingly nice man who, nonetheless, dumped you via Post-It note might be because you have the kind of family who ditches you when you most need help. You do NOT deserve this, but you might be finding it because it’s familiar.

       Think about that as you go forward and consciously choose the people you want in your life, and also try to think to yourself, when you get really down, “Maybe I chose a butthead who dumped me via Post-It because YOU PEOPLE [mentally, reference family] can’t be there for me when I need you most!”

   14. This is heartbreaking. I can so relate. So what do you do now? You get up every morning and take care of your own needs — fiercely. I know this may sound cold, but you cannot fix the way these people have behaved, so focus on yourself. (You can let your mother and sister know that you are keeping the door open when they are ready to come back. But then turn back to yourself.) In the meantime, you take your life, your goals, and your self-care seriously. You have been freed from the expectations and limitations of the people who you might otherwise put first — seize the opportunity. Want to take a class after work or on weekends to learn a new skill/hobby? Now you can. Want to get in amazing physical shape? You’ve got the freedom. Want to become an expert in something? Do it. Want to stay extra late at the job to get closer to taking the next step in your career? Now you’ve got the opportunity. Revel in your supportive friendships and caretakers and take advantage of the love and care you are receiving from those people. Solidify those relationships, even if they are new. (I found some mere acquaintances to be incredibly supportive when they found out I was going through something similar because they could relate, and they became true friends out of the adversity.) And do not beat yourself up for any of this. You have nothing to apologize for. You are a human being who responded in a very human way to having her world shaken.

       1. “So what do you do now? You get up every morning and take care of your own needs — fiercely.” this is amazing advice.

          OP, go for it. Lots of people you don’t even know are rooting for you!

   15. If no one else will mention it, I will have to: there is a Sex and the City episode about Carrie getting dumped on a Post-It. Even the NYPD officer in the episode gets how bad that is. When and if you are ready to maybe be able to start thinking about this horrible experience in a different way, maybe you watch that episode?

       Plus, naturally, all the other supportive things everyone else here said.

   16. So many hugs to you. Stay close with your friends and seek positive groups/activities that help you feel more empowered. If you belong to a church or sports club or anything that is regular and uplifting, that can be a huge help.

       I think some people go through life untouched by tragedies, and they can be hurtful and cruel to other people, blaming them, rather than understanding that they are in a tough situation that could happen to anyone. That’s on them. That is a big problem with their own character and their own limited empathy. That’s not you.

   17. Talk about how messed up they are in therapy. Heal. Do what makes you happy. Try to come to terms with the fact that you are really lucky he left if he had such demons.

   18. Sorry but that’s messed UP. The boyfriend thing sucks for sure. The Family stuff though? That’s worse. My sister is 15 years younger than me and we aren’t terribly close. We mostly see each other at family stuff every other month or so. We might talk on the phone or text every other week on average. She is depressed and refuses to do anything about it, has for years. And yeah it’s hard on the family. She also has phantom stomach pains that my parents have spent thousands of dollars giving her medical test trying to diagnose the problem but there is no known physical cause. I silently judge (hello it’s psychological!) and sometimes not so silently express my opinion she needs therapy or treatment. But let me tell you something. When she was involuntarily checked into the suicide facility, I visited her everyday for as long as they let me and it was an hour drive each way. So did my parents and my siblings all made at least one visit as well. I may judge her not taking care of her treatment and worry and struggle. But I would NEVER cut her out, call her insane (or even crazy or any variation), or do anything but be there in a situation like that.

       Your reaction wasn’t insane. It was normal. That’s devastating. But you’ve done what you need to do medically to move on. They are total turds.

9. I recently purchased a tunic on a whim and wearing it with yoga pants is my new favorite weekend outfit. Where should I look for other tunics I can wear on the weekends to step it up a bit from wearing free race t-shirts?

   1. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if your weekend look is a tunic with yoga pants, you have by definition given up and it matters not where you get them.

      1. Oh man you should see me in an old t-shirt and basketball shorts. I’ll be at Costco. You’ll be horrified.

         1. Snort.

            Check out Boden- they have a whole tunics section. I find some great long tops that I wear with leggings at N-strom Rack too. IIRC, you’re in DC– try the Pentagon City location, and scout the Pleione options.

            1. +1 to the Pleione line at Nordstrom (Rack)

            2. Thank you!

            3. Fashion leaders Talbots and Lands End also have tunics, on sale at this time of year too.

            4. Lol’d at “fashion leaders Talbots and Lands End…”

               :D

         2. High five to Wildkitten :)

      2. Wow, that WAS super nice!

      3. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I am so glad you’re not my friend IRL.

         1. Turns out even the nicest way possible isn’t really all that nice…

   2. Um, wow at Anon for this…

      As the fall items hit the stores, you’ll see more tunics designed to be worn with leggings. I found good ones at Boden, Gap, Old Navy and Target. They are sometimes categorized oddly — sometimes in tops, sometimes in sweaters, sometimes in dresses — so you may want to search for “tunic” or poke around on the websites.

   3. Feel free to judge away Anon for This, but I’ve also found really comfy tunics at Soma.

   4. J. Jill, man. Tunics for days.

   5. Tunic On A Whim – new band name. I called it.

10. I feel compelled to post on this one- my (presumably ex) boyfriend just absolutely disappeared after many years together and similar future-looking conversations at the end of 2014. No fight, no known major issues, nothing. After I realized he was alive and well, I was completely blindsided. Now, almost 8 months out the best advice I can give you is to keep doing exactly what you’re doing- take care of yourself. I’m sorry about your mom and sister not being supportive, but ultimately that’s a decision they’re going to have to live with and I’m sure ultimately regret.

    1. Sorry, wrong place! Meant for anonforthis above.

11. California ladies, any thoughts on the new 2-day bar exam?

    I think it is a good move for the bar. I will, however, retain all bragging rights on sitting the 3-day ordeal.

    1. hahaha, thought the same thing!

    2. Boo, not cool! Everyone should have to suffer like I did.

    3. Me too! And I think the year I passed had the lowest passage rate in recent times so I like to brag about that. But it makes sense to shorten it to two days.

    4. Likewise!

12. Kat, what happened to the edit feature? It seems to have disappeared for me.

    1. Sorry about that — I mean to do an admin update for folks once we’re done with the tech work, but at the moment we’re still in medias res. The “edit” feature — so easy to install — was making the database HUGE and unwieldy. Like 90K extra tables. I don’t understand this beyond “it’s a bad thing,” so we took it out. We’ve deleted 100s of 100s of GBs from the database, which hopefully is going to make the site run more smoothly.

       1. In that case, I’d much rather have a site that runs and updates more smoothly than having an edit feature. It was neat to have but really not necessary since people can clarify with additional posts.

       2. Kat – I have a client who adds millions of events each day to a database and it took years to get to a TB of data. And after 8 years in IT with major companies, I have never seen a database with anywhere close to 90k tables. I can’t tell if you are exaggerating about the “100s of 100s of GB” and 90k tables, but that amount of data for a blog is unbelievable. If your IT people told you this, they are either completely lying or the worst IT people on the planet. Besides, since we can only edit a comment for 5 mins, after those 5 mins you could purge everything related to the edit feature for that comment. Hourly or daily purges should be no problem. Based on this and other comments from you about the tech problems, I really think your IT staff is incompetent and/or taking advantage of you.

13. I am so very very confused. Several of my friends are in the process of buying houses or have just bought houses with boyfriends. Some of them have been dating less than two years. None of them are engaged, have children, etc. We are all in our early to mid 20’s, and several of the people haven’t finished graduate school (which they need for their career goals) or have full time ‘big boy/girl jobs’ and afforded the down payment. Is this the new thing to do?? I just look at them and see it as a terrible financial choice, impending disaster,etc. Am I crazy??? I mentioned how you really need to be in a house for several years for it to be a good investment to one of my closest friends (who doesn’t have a a full time job and is struggling enough to ask me to help bridge money gaps a couple of times) and she flew off the shelf saying I didn’t know what I was talking about. Did I just miss when this became the norm?

    1. Dunno, but it’ll be super fun when they break up and still own property. It will make getting over the break up and finding new people to date sooooooo easy. Ask me how I know.

    2. I assume they are all negotiating and executing cohabitation agreements?

       1. Half the people I haven’t felt close enough to ask, the rest seem to be about half and half. Some people seem to think the cohabitation agreements are like pre-nups and thought they meant they were agreeing that the relationship would end at some point/it wasn’t forever. The other half have them, but the closest couple I know started arguing about it in-front of me and neither of them seemed to know what was actually agreed upon in it. Which don’t even get me started on people who sign major contracts like that without fully reading and understanding every line. That same couple I also asked what company he (the primary bread winner) went through for life insurance if he got any outside his company policy since my company doesn’t offer it, and I am starting to look around to get a small policy as I need to cover funeral and car loan costs. Turns out neither of them have life insurance. WHAT IF EITHER OF YOU GETS IN A CAR WRECK TOMORROW?????????

          Sorry this is going into a rant territory but I just feel like no one in my generation has any common sense or sense that most of what is happening now is probably not forever (or at least 20-30 years forever) because statistics do not lie 100% of the time. Saying you will beat them does not make them any less true.

          1. While we’re here and on this subject, if you are looking for insurance or banking needs and you qualify for it, try USAA. They are terrific.

             1. Unfortunately I don’t qualify. Thanks for the recommendation though!

          2. I don’t have life insurance. I don’t think you need it if you don’t have loans or dependents.

             1. But if you are sharing a mortgage with someone, and that other person can’t afford to pay the whole mortgage, it is 100% appropriate to get life insurance so that person does not (1) lose his/her investment in the property and (2) end up homeless with bad credit.

             2. I recently found out that my parents have never had life or critical illness cover – just a plan that if something happened my sibling and I would live with our godparents. Um, thanks for planning well…?

          3. If you’re interested in membership in IEEE (engineering/computers/software), the insurance rates alone might make it worthwhile.

    3. I don’t think you’re crazy. My friends that bought houses in their early to mid 20s either a) had a trust fund, b) had parents who gave them money for a down payment, or c) lived in a city that they thought would always have a good market for condos and then spent a few years renting out said condo when the market took a downturn and they were waiting for it to bounce back after they had to move out of that city for work.

       So in conclusion, I don’t think it turns out well unless you actually have enough money or someone else is paying.

    4. I think this is a thing rich people do when their parents pay for the down payment and they figure they’ll save money on rent/taxes and flip it later if they break up.

    5. When I was in my early/mid-twenties, several of my friends bought very nice cars – either leased luxury vehicles or dropped $25,000 on a car. They thought I was the freak, driving my car that was practically old enough to vote.

       Fast-forward a few years, and a lot of them either took a bath when their leases ended (forced to fork over huge money for violating the over-mile limit or buy the car for more than it was worth), sold their luxury vehicles, or just didn’t have anything saved up.

       When you’re in your early twenties, act like a senior citizen who lives off of Social Security, even though you’re now a “real adult” who “deserves better.” If you can actually afford it, buy it in a few years when you have a nice cushion of savings. But real adult life costs a lot more than people think it does, which is why twenty-somethings do foolish things like buy houses with SOs or splurge on luxury vehicles.

    6. I heartedly agree that the way you are describing it (short-ish term relationships, insecure jobs, potential to want to move in less than 5 years) is not a smart move – financially or emotionally – BUT, I will say that my friends who settled down early and bought starter homes in their early 20s have all made out like bandits, even with 2008 figured in. Again, though, this only works if you are married/engaged/intend to remain permanently coupled, buy what you can currently afford in your early 20s with the idea that you will have increased buying power later, and, perhaps most importantly, know that you want to own that place for 5+ years.

       1. +1

    7. It is the norm in some areas, especially low cost of living areas, for graduate students to buy houses. They can afford it on their salaries and their roommates or SO’s will halve the mortgage payment or more.

    8. I know this is late and you probably won’t see this, but yeah, this is weird to me.

       My unmarried cohabitating friends who have purchased a house together have all been together for a decade plus. Most of my married friends were well into their late 20’s/early 30’s before buying houses.

       This smells like parental money to me.

    9. I guess it’s weird, but I don’t necessarily think you are crazy for feeling the way you do. However, this type of thing falls under my category of it’s not hurting me so I don’t waste my time thinking about it. You likely aren’t going to change any of their minds, so let them do their thing, be their friend, and then sit back and watch if/when it blows up.

    10. I wouldn’t assume they jointly own the house. I recently bought a house so that my significant other and I could live together (with kids from a previous relationship, renting a place big enough for all of us in our market was cost-prohibitive). As far as anyone else knows, “we” bought the house together and I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business what the financial arrangements are between the two of us.

14. I am super sad about Cecil the Lion. Like, inexplicably heartbroken.

    1. I agree. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating.

    2. Me too…very very sad. I hope the poacher get the punishment he deserves.

       1. There were no poachers, he was killed by an American dentist Walter Palmer, who shot him with a bow and arrow. Google for the full story.

    3. Me too. Not inexplicable though. Very right sadness and outrage.

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