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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This flowy skirt from Brooks Brothers' Red Fleece is unexpected — the flowy shape (with ruffle!) does not often meet a windowpane'd wool. I can see it being interesting for work with a very subdued outfit — navy turtleneck, navy tights, maybe red pumps — but I'm curious what you guys think about it, because there is also a definite holiday-party vibe to it. Yea or nay? The skirt is $148 at Brooks Brothers, available in sizes 0-14. Brooks Brothers Red Fleece Windowpane Skirt
Here's a lower-priced option (and another that's available in petites), and a plus-size alternative (14-24).
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-5)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
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- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
It would have been a very nice and versatile work skirt, if not for the ruffle.
Cb
I really like it but the ruffle really exacerbates the holiday party vibe.
hoola hoopa
I don’t generally wear full skirts for work, so this is out for me before the ruffle – but I do really love it as a holiday skirt.
bridget
My feelings exactly.
emeralds
I don’t mind the ruffle–I don’t think it’s too, I dunno, ruffle-y for my day-to-day life. I love this skirt and will be sale-stalking it. It’s also 100% wool and fully lined, which is great.
I'm Just Me ...
I love the lower priced option though. Too bad it’s so limited in available sizes.
anon-oh-no
the ruffle is what makes it great for me. otherwise, its just a boring wool skirt. but I’m girly and wear ruffles all the time.
Pretty Primadonna
Same here. I would definitely wear this to work with a fitted turtleneck or a crisp white button-down.
AIMS
I like it, with ruffle or without. I think maybe red heels would make it too holiday party.
I was actually looking at BB suits today and they have so many great, classic options now! Not sure how they fit IRL but it looks like they’ve streamlined everything a bit. I was very impressed. They also have a ruffle-free wool, windowpane circle skirt for anyone looking for something like this sans ruffle. It’s navy and a lighter blue.
meme
I love this skirt. I would wear it to work on a non-court day.
Anonymous
This is an attached napkin, not a ruffle.
A Nonny Moose
This reminds me of something Blair Waldorf would wear. With tights and a headband.
Roman Holiday
+1
Wildkitten
Agreed. I don’t understand what Brooks Brothers is trying to do with Red Fleece. I don’t think it’s working.
anon-oh-no
and that’s a bad thing ?
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
+1. I’ve got a “back to school” themed party coming up and when I saw this, I thought it would be perfect. Except it’s 100 degrees here, so a hiked-up Serena skirt would probably be more comfortable.
Red Fleece
I don’t think that this skirt would work for me, but I clicked around the Red Fleece items and I really adore a lot of their dresses. Right now, I only buy shoes at BB, but I would love some the dresses.
[And yes, there is a Blair Waldorf vibe and the models look to be a fraction of my age, but I’m hoping that that doesn’t rule out accomodating my child-bearing hips and slight pooch.]
Cb
I loved the silk printed dress when I thought it had the alphabet on it (I do like a Magic Schoolbus themed outfit) but ugh, it spells out Brooks.
Red Fleece
Ugh. My website crashed. Random letters would have been fine.
Will try to check out in store. [And it has taken this to lure me back in to a store.]
Red Fleece
OK — there are some really cute things in Red Fleece clearance (wool dresses with linings!!!). I am going to check it out (and the alphabet dress — silk, lined, and I like the color and sleeves). I love the gingham shirts in non-sale and some of the cardigans.
CorporateInCarhartt (and Red Fleece)
I’m all about the Red Fleece line. I actually ordered that suit that was featured last week, and it’s awesome, including the skirt, which has the pleats some were concerned about (although, fair warning, the skirt isn’t lined, although it hasn’t been problematic). The pleats are fun, and the skirt has pockets! I didn’t get the drawstring pants, because weird. I also ordered one of the sale dresses – it’s sleeveless, with a quilted top and tweed bottom. It is very cute. But the line is definitely very preppy, so you have to be into that. I definitely am.
Red Fleece
How does the sizing run? Against something like Banana or Halogen or Land’s End?
CorporateInCarhartt (and Red Fleece)
Ok, trying again, and apologies if this doesn’t post; when I tried before, it took me to an error page. I can’t compare to those brands, but it’s in line with J Crew sizing. I ordered the skirt and dress in a 6, which is my J Crew size, and both fit. The blazer is also a 6, and it’s boxy, but I think it’s supposed to be that way, i.e. going down a size wouldn’t change that. From past experience I think it would be in line with Banana, but I can’t confirm.
They have a ton of new arrivals I am also trying to convince myself that I don’t need.
Red Fleece
You need, you need!
JCrew thinks that I can wear a 4 skirt, which is crazy, b/c not even LE thinks my hips are that small.
THanks!
Wildkitten
What are good pre-martial counseling-type resources? My sister is recently married and wants to hammer out things like where they stand financially and what they want to plan going forward, and I’m thinking she would benefit from having conversations about not just money but everything else you talk about in pre-marital counseling. She doesn’t want Financial Peace University, but something where they fill out questionnaires and exchange them to talk about their answers would be perfect. Any ideas?
Kdlaf
I’m not married and am no where close to it but I think just going to a regular marriage counselor would be sufficient (for the non-financial stuff if she wants that). Since they’re already married it wouldn’t be pre-marital counseling – just early marriage counseling I guess. And just find a financial adviser in the area. Honestly I feel like a lot of this the financial stuff they can do themselves then just go to a professional to get advise on that and guide them on how to move forward. Im sure there are some financial advisers that focus on married couples.
A Nonny Moose
What about the 1001 questions to ask book? http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033
Cb
I read through this with my husband before we got married and I found it quite helpful, if only to reassure me that we hadn’t missed some massive dealbreaker.
Basics
I might add John Gottman’s “Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.” Not about finances or planning, but about how to talk about them, or anything else. Really helpful.
life after law
For those of you who have left the legal profession but are in JD preferred roles with companies that do not constitute the practice of law (compliance, contract management, etc.), what do you do about your law license? There were a few comments on this yesterday and I would love to hear more.
I am currently in VA, which allows you to be an associate bar member when you aren’t practicing and pay lower dues, but I have remained active thus far. Curious as to how others handle it.
Wildkitten
I am licensed in DC and Maryland. I am inactive in Maryland. In DC, once you are inactive for 5 years you have to jump through a ton of hoops to be active again, so my plan is to be active every 5 years so that I can benefit from the lower dues 4 out of 5 years, but can go active again at the drop of a hat if I choose.
Wildkitten
Neither of my bars require CLEs.
In House Lobbyist
I keep my bar license active and my company pays for it and my CLE even though a law degree isn’t required for my job. We are part of the General Counsel’s office however.
pamplemousse
I am now in a university position, and I moved to a new state where I am not licensed, nor do I intend to become licensed. I am only a few months shy of being able to be admitted on motion, so I would have to take the bar again. My job does not require an active license, so I went inactive in Illinois which sounds similar to being an associate member in Virginia. I pay lower dues, and I do not have any CLE requirements. If I ever decide to go active again, I just have to catch back up on CLEs. It seemed worth it to me.
anon
My job requires a JD or a Ph.D. but not bar membership. Some of our JDs maintain inactive status; I believe some have let their bar membership lapse entirely. The only reason I can see to maintain active membership if you aren’t practicing is to get a bar card so that courthouse security won’t treat you like a criminal. If your job doesn’t take you to the courthouse on a regular basis, that consideration is moot.
CountC
My job does not require a JD, but is JD preferred (contract analysis/management/negotiation). They do not require you to remain active, and as a result, do not pay for licensing fees or CLEs. Phooey on me for not trying to negotiate that. I am currently active in PA, resigned in DC, and just resigned in VA because it was ridiculous to pay $170/year to be inactive. I live in PA and do not anticipate moving again. I got licensed in DC and VA because I had moved back to NoVA for a bit.
Anon
Massachusetts doesn’t have CLEs and their annual dues are inexpensive ($220 for newly admitted attorneys; $300 for those admitted at least five years). I don’t need an active bar registration, but I pay them anyway; if I want to do work on the side or job-hunt, my active license is there.
Anonymous
Anyone barred in NY and DC? I took my bar exam in NY, and then waived into DC. For a while, I was doing the NY CLE requirements, and then realized there is a provision that says you don’t have to do the CLEs if you “are not practicing in NY.” The regulations are extremely vague about what this means, and it drives me crazy. I stopped doing the NY CLEs a few years ago because I figured–I don’t have an office in NY, I don’t have clients in NY, and I don’t ever enter a courtroom in NY. For all intents and purposes, I practice in DC. This sounds valid, right? Anyone else make a similar decision? I still pay the biannual dues and just check the box that I’m exempt from CLEs because I’m not practicing in NY.
Anonymous
Yup, same. I am barred in NY and MA. Moved from NYC to MA a few years ago. I remain “active” in NY and pay the dues but don’t do any of the CLEs (and thankfully MA has no requirements). I figure if I ever want to practice in NY again this is the way to go.
Anonymous
Kind of related, but I’ve been thinking seriously about leaving law after only a few years of practice (about 4). Where do I start my search for these JD preferred jobs?
Wildkitten
Same place you start any job search – your network!
CountC
+1 My company had, until recently, 4 of my law school grads working in the same business unit. Only one of us is a company attorney, the remaining two of us are contract analysts, and the departed one was a global director. I ended up here because I had lunch with the global director who was a law school classmate of mine!
Pretty Primadonna
In addition to what Wildkitten said, I have had good luck meeting compliance professionals, including lawyers who have left practice, in organizations such as HCCA. Join one of those type organizations’ groups on LinkedIn and network, network, network!
lkl
This is what I would wear in my fantasy career where I am a teacher. I would feel a little too mumsy in my law office wearing this skirt.
POSITA
My sister is getting married in December and is looking for a wedding dress. She loves the look of the dresses at Anthropologie (flowy and romantic, but not poofy), but has a sub-$500 dress budget. Any suggestions for where she should look? I got married many years ago and am out of the wedding dress buying loop. Thanks!
Wildkitten
Some ideas: Rent the Runway, Nordstrom sort by color and price, http://apracticalwedding.com/wedding-dresses-under-500/
Sydney Bristow
David’s Bridal does have some non-poofy options and many options in her price range. I got married earlier this month and was surprised at some of the options and did wind up getting my dress there.. It is worth a look.
NOLA
A former colleague of mine bought her dress at David’s Bridal and it was beautiful. It was a grecian style and I think it was actually called a bridesmaid’s dress but in ivory and full-length, it didn’t look like a bridesmaid’s dress. And it was a fraction of the price of a wedding dress.
Rogue Banker
Seconding this. The bridesmaids dresses often look a lot like wedding dresses in ivory, there’s lots of choice for flowy and romantic (all that chiffon!) and they’re usually sub-$300 with alterations. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice for two BFFs, both times the BM dresses were from DB, and both of them would have looked perfectly appropriate as wedding dresses (if they weren’t navy and hunter green, at least).
BankrAtty
My dress was from David’s, less than $500, and decidedly not poofy.
Anon
Mine was from David’s Bridal and was fitted lace and not poofy at all. It was closer to $700-$800, but they do have ones that are lower (FWIW, my budget started out at $500).
L
Nordstrom has a TON, particularly given the anniversary sale. Please excuse me while I go drool over dresses.
Red Fleece
I had a Badgley Mischka dress that wasn’t a wedding dress that was slightly higher (and I think they have an entry level line that has lower prices). They do a great party dress and often do white / silver / embellished ones.
Also, bridesmaids dresses in white? They are less fluffy. Watters & Watters was a place I really considered before finding my dress. Their things seemed to be more tailored and had a lot of 2-piece items and I recall getting a top there was silk that I wore a ton of before it gave up the ghost during a particularly vigorous tango.
Hildegarde
This comment made me laugh. That must have been quite a tango! And what do you mean the top “gave up the ghost” during the tango – like it fell apart while you were dancing? There must be a great story here.
NYNY
Thread has lovely, non-poofy bridal gowns for around $500.
lawsuited
Try BHLDN.com. Their dresses aren’t cheap, per se, but their dresses are strictly non-ballgown and a lot of them are below $500.
Anonymous
umm… BHLDN is actually Anthropologie’s wedding dress store.
lawsuited
Ha! I didn’t know that. I just knew that they have a lot of lovely non-poofy wedding dresses under $500.
AIMS
They do have sales frequently. If she has her heart set on an anthro type dress and doesn’t need it tomorrow, I’d just stalk the sales a bit and buy something there.
Anon
BHLDN has great stuff on clearance, which should put them under $500.
Or, check on one of the wedding resale sites for a used BHLDN dress.
BHLDN
BHLDN actually has a bridesmaid offering that retails around $280. All of their bridesmaid dresses come in white. The dresses are flowy and simply, and can be easily dressed up with the belts or other fixings the BHLDN line has, all for under $500 total.
Anonymous
This is random i know – but if shes looking at off-white and an option, check out the Chantilly color by Donna Morgan – Nordstroms rack has a number of longer dresses that are technically bridesmaid dresses but fit the long-flowy look (In limited sizes). Best part… theyre returnable and are currently marked down 90%, even though theyre still full price on many sites
New Anon
My bridesmaids wore Donna Morgan and, based on what they told me, felt positively about their dresses. I recognize that they may not have been fully candid with me, but I heard a number of unprompted comments about dresses being flattering and comfortable, particularly from people who I would have expected to just say nothing if they’d not been thrilled. Maybe better evidence is that one bridesmaid wore her dress to a subsequent wedding at which she was a guest.
KT
Alfred Angelo was wonderful!
Spirograph
I’m way late to this thread, but just in case you’re still reading, its worth checking out bridal boutiques, even on that budget, if she is an “average” size. Often, they unload previous years’ designs -esp the floor models that everyone tries on- at a fraction of the original price. Sometimes there’s a little wear and tear, bit nothing a thorough cleaning and decent seamstress can’t fix. I got my $2k+ dress for <$500 this way.
City touring
Has anyone ever done one of those segway tours in cities? This seems like a good way to see an area and fun. Would you do this by yourself? I’m visiting a SF and staying with friends. I’m trying to find fun things to do on my own during the day while they are at work.
Moonstone
My sister did one in Chicago and said it was a hoot. It strikes me as a particularly good solo idea, but I love tours in general.
Anonymous
im pretty sure SF outlawed segways. do they allow them again?
Anonymous
Plenty of reviews on trip advisor.
This group seems to be still in operation: http://sanfrancisco.citysegwaytours.com/tours/san-francisco-segway-tour
Ellen
Yay! I love this skirt, Kat b/c it makes me feel like a 17 year old school girl. I would get it, but Frank would try to look up my skirt when I sat at my desk, and that is VERBOTEN!
As for the OP, I think that Segway’s are realy for nerd’s. I saw a tour like this in Pitsburg a few year’s ago and the peeople on them looked like jerk’s. They also made funny noises when they went past me. I think I would be to embarased to be on one of those thing’s b/c my tuchus would be out there for all to see. FOOEY!
Anonymama
Nope, the tours are still going (and have been for a while). I don’t think segways were ever outlawed, they’re just not allowed on sidewalks.
SFAttorney
I see them all the time in San Francisco. My husband and I remark to each other “Oooh, it’s the Segway gang again.” I don’t recall they were ever banned.
Anonymous
I’ve done one in FL and it was a lot of fun – assuming reasonable coordination. If you’re clumsy, it might take a while to get the hang of it and won’t be as much fun, I’d guess. Also, would recommend the group tour. That way we didn’t have to think about navigating streets and such – the guide did that for us.
Anon
Oh please don’t do that here. There are so many ways to entertain yourself in SF. Go to any neighborhood and walk around. Tons of prior threads on this but check out the mission, hayes valley, the palace legion of honor, the de young and surrounding areas, take a ferry to tiburon and get lunch and walk around and look at the views, walk union street or Fillmore street, just please don’t be one of those people on a Segway or in those dangerous go cart cars with the “audio tours” that cause traffic problems.
Anonymous
To be clear, I am interested in the Golden Gate Park tour. I would think this would be less problematic for traffic.
Senior Attorney
I’ve done Segway tours in several cities including San Francisco. Yes, it’s kind of nerdy but they’re very fun and most people smile as you go by and are not as grouchy as Anon at 10:56 a.m.
You might also look into a food tour. I’ve done those solo in several cities and again, very fun.
Anonymous
Thank you Senior Attorney. This is very helpful!
APP123
I did a chocolate walking tour in SF a couple years ago that was amazing because (1) chocolate!, and (2) it was a great way get familiar with the city. It would have been fun to do alone, too, I think. I can’t remember what company we used, but I remember there being several awesome sounding food tours.
TO Lawyer
I need some advice/motivation. How do you ladies get yourself to the gym on a regular basis? I hate going to the gym but it feels so good after (and I really need to lose some weight). I just have a hard time motivating myself to go, especially after a long day at work.
My eating habits are also garbage right now (one of the pitfalls of having a boyfriend with a crappy diet I guess), but I’m sure once I’m working out again on a regular schedule, I’ll be able to get my eating back on track.
Thanks ladies!
Anon
Go in the morning…it sucks when you first start, but I, like you, am too tired and too hungry at the end of the day and can come up with a million excuses. If you force yourself to get out of bed and go it will be easier to keep consistent.
Also commit to doing it for 21 days (not necessarily straight! like every other day or whatever for 21 days). You’ll develop the habit. Eventually if you don’t go for a while you’ll feel lousy like you forgot to brush your teeth. It will become second nature.
Re: eating habits, my husband is not the healthiest eater either and its too hard/tempting to eat different food for dinner when we eat together. I overcome by eating super healthy during meals when we’re not together and focusing on portion control when we do eat together. Having a cheeseburger and fries isn’t SO bad if you only eat half of it (and you’ll find you really don’t need to clean your plate when you’re eating fatty food).
BankrAtty
This. Go in the morning. Leave your makeup bag in your locker (if a locker is an option)–honestly, this trip is what got me into the morning gym habit. If I wanted to wear makeup, I had to go to the gym and once I was there, I might as well work out. It also helps to have a plan once you’re at the gym: ie, on MWF I will do the lifting program from The New Rules of Lifting for Women, and on T/Th I will use a cardio machine/take a class.
AR
I love this. What a great idea!
I go to work pretty early and come home early for the kids, so the gym is not even open for my early hours. And I am with those who say they have a million excuses not to work out at 4am. So, I got a stationary bike and I ride it every night right after the kids go to bed. I roll it out to the TV area, and I ride for an hour while the husband watches TV.
Anon
Working out is non-negotiable for me. There may be the odd day where I let other plans take over, but really, I just have in my mind that I am someone who works out regularly, and it has to be done, and I go x times per week, and that’s it. Once you treat it as something you do, not something you would like to/aspire to/will get to eventually, it might help.
Also, start small. Once a week, then twice, etc.
NOLA
This is how I am. Unless there is some major obstacle, I have a routine and stick with it. As Anon says, it’s non-negotiable. I might not feel like it (I go to the gym right after work) but I just do it. Or I might have a hard time getting up off of the bed after work, but I give myself a time limit (must be on the treadmill by X time). I would say this is different for each person. You find the kind of exercise and the time of day that works for you and that you will actually do, and you just make it a priority.
Anonymous
This, very much this.
Anonymous
I usually work out at home in the morning before I go to work. I have an elliptical machine and I pick a series to watch on Netflix/Hulu that I enjoy and will only allow myself to watch it while I work out. Then, I will often supplement with a yoga class, walking in the evening or free weights depending on schedule. I am not a morning person but I find the rest of my day is better if I can do a morning workout.
A Nonny Moose
+1 on going in the morning. Also, maybe find a gym or studio with classes you enjoy and that charge you if you don’t show up. I have to reserve my workout classes in advance and if I don’t cancel 12 hours before I am charged $15. there are so many times I would have canceled and went anyway, and I can only think of once when I would have actually rather stayed in bed (I was sick).
Anon
Find some type of exercise you enjoy. I like going to the gym. It may help to sign up for classes so there’s a set time you need to make it to.
Marie
+1 to this. I really like my gym routine, so I feel like going to do it more often than not. Getting up at the same time to go run 4 miles every morning? NO THANKS. Maybe I’ll get a run in to mix it up if it’s really nice out, but I’m not going to force myself to do it when I can do something I like more. If there’s a class or an activity you like more than just going to the gym and doing whatever it is you do when you get there, you’re probably more likely to stick with it.
+1 also to the advice to just make it a non-negotiable part of your routine. My boyfriend and I just moved in together after a period of being long distance. While we were apart, every time he would come visit, I would let my gym routine slide because I valued being able to snuggle in the morning. But after he moved here, I wanted to make sure to maintain my morning routine, so for the first few weeks, I was very strict with myself about getting up at 6:20 and getting out the door. I was more disciplined than I had been for months before (I’d been in a habit of snoozing an extra 25 minutes…)! It was kind of tough some mornings, but now I’m in a really good groove.
If you can afford it, maybe work with a personal trainer for a month or so. They might be able to give you interesting gym stuff you can do on your own, and help you be motivated to actually show up. A woman I work with has been working out in our workplace gym room with another employee who is also a personal trainer, 4 days a week. She’s been KILLING it, and when they first started if he wasn’t there she wasn’t there either, but now she’s addicted to working out too.
JJ
Morning workouts are non-negotiable for me. If I don’t do it in the morning, then I will find every excuse in the book not to do it.
I’ve also discovered that I love lifting weights. On lifting days, I’m happy and excited to get to the gym (after the initial shock of the alarm…). Cardio days are still drudgery, but I get up and do it because I remember how good I’ll feel the rest of the day, and how guilty I’ll feel if I don’t go. But it’s much easier when I enjoy what I’m doing.
YMMV, but I also like following trainers and the like on Instagram. I weed out the noise until I find the ones that focus on strong and healthy versus “skinny.” Scrolling through their workouts, pictures, etc. keeps me motivated.
PM only workouts?
But what about when you have to leave the house at 7am for work and have no option for flexible daytime schedule workouts. Ugh. It’s just a constant battle. I’d rather try to enjoy the workout rather than get up at 5am and force my way through it and then be rushing around to get out of the house. Yes its an excuse but logistically if you’re at work early then AM workouts aren’t the best choice.
anonymous
CAn you get up earlier? You’ll have to go to sleep earlier, but you’d probably be tired enough if you’re that busy.
I get to work a little after 6 and wake up between 430-445 to get an almost hour long workout in. It puts me in a great mood.
Anon
I’m missing something. If you wake up at 445am, how do you get to work by a little after 6am including a 1 hour workout? Do you both workout at home and work from home?
anon
You start work at 6am?! Please tell me what job you do so that I can plan never to do that
anonymous
It takes me 5 minutes to get to work and about 10 to get ready. Sometimes I wake up a little earlier and sometimes I don’t do the full hour. I also have all my lunch/other items ready to go from the night before. This probably isn’t reasonable for most people, but I bet soemthign small like a 20 or 30 min workout is doable.
Anon
That sounds horrible.
anonymous
It’s actually a personal choice to get to work that early. Generally very few people are in at that hour.
Sydney Bristow
I get into work around 6:30am. I like getting in that early because I work long hours and can still get home at a reasonable time. It is also nice to be in the office when it is really quiet.
JJ
My alarm goes off at 4:15 am. So, I’ve just accepted that I’ll be getting up earlier and going to be earlier so that I can fit in a workout each day.
Marie
JJ, I like following trainers on insta too. Do you have any favorites??
JJ
I like: FitFromScratch, MindBodySoulFitness2012, LadyFitWorkouts, TishaJonesy, InneractiveFit (she also has Christian-themed posts, as well, so FYI), and HappyHungryFit (not a trainer, but has lost a TON of weight through lifting).
roses
Exercise doesn’t necessarily have to be a chore – you’re more likely to stick with it if you find something you like. That doesn’t mean something that you would prefer doing over sleep, etc. – just something that you don’t dread. Try out some different classes and different times of day to see what clicks for you. I’ve also found that even if you don’t LOVE what type of exercise you’re doing, you’ll be more motivated if you try to set goals for yourself instead of doing the same thing all the time. For instance, if I’m stuck on the treadmill (I prefer running outside) because of weather, I’ll challenge myself to see how fast I can run a mile, and try to improve that time every week or so.
roses
Oh, one more thing – if you happen to live relatively close to your work in a city with good sidewalks, I have found that run-commuting (or walk commuting if that’s where you need to start) home is wonderful because it’s just a mode of transportation for me instead of feeling like exercise. Happy to give more details if that’s something anyone is interested in.
Seattle Freeze
Or bike commuting! It’s exercise built-in to your day – depending on your location, it may not even add much time to your commute.
Anonymous
I realized that it’s really a matter of discipline and not one of motivation. I am a person that goes to the gym. the end.
I also found that a gym buddy was very helpful, as was something like gym pact. And, a program. It’s hard to be motivated when you’re just going to classes or whatever, but when you see progression, it’s easy, especially when there is a defined workout.
I really really recommend Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide. You can google the original PDF and find it for free, but I’m now working on 2.0, and I still love it.
"Allergies" PSA
+1 to discipline and not motivation.
Turns out, regular exercise mitigates the symptoms of my asthma and allergies. Thus, my husband and I get up early 4 days/week to exercise. Not negotiable. If I don’t do it, I start wheezing and not being able to breathe properly. (We deal with the early morning meeting conflict issue by choosing on Sunday which mornings it will be this week.)
Motivation? Never worked for me. Medical necessity? Gets me out of bed no problem.
Sally
What about doing a progressive plan like New Rules of Lifting for Women? I love being able to check things off and really see my progress. Also, having a routine set up for me is gold.
JJ
I’ll add (I’m all over this section – sorry!) that I realized I need monthly goals that are concrete markers of how I’ve improved. Today was my goal testing day and my goal was 50 pushups (regular style) in a minute. I ended up doing 57, so I’m in a very “Yay! Fitness!” mood today.
That will get me through waking up early the rest of the week and keeps me motivated.
Anonymous
Wow, that’s really impressive!
JJ
Thank you! :)
SuziStockbroker
I pay a trainer, which gets me there, even though I don’t need her anymore from a “how to workout standpoint”.
However, it means I get to the gym twice a week because if I DON’T go, she won’t charge me (unlike most trainers who will, which often motivates people to go) and then I feel bad, because she is self employed, and I don’t want her to lose the income because I’ve cancelled.
So, that gets me to the gym twice a week, and then I do martial arts with my kids twice a week. I have to go to the martial arts place anyway, so I might as well be working out too, even if I didn’t initially think I’d really love martial arts.
anon
Love these two ideas- not wanting to hurt someone’s livelihood and martial arts w kids.
Anonymous
I signed up for the office 5k in the fall. Fear of embarrassing myself motivates me to practice for it.
Anonymous
I sign up for classes. I do better in a group environment (used to dance classes) and I already paid, so I have to go!
Anonononon
Are there married biglaw folks in the ranks of people saying they get to the gym all the time? I am coming off a few weeks in a row of leaving between 1:30 and 2 in the morning and just can’t imagine getting up any earlier than I already do (6:30, so we’re talking about 4 hours of sleep depending on how long the trip home takes and I’m not a morning person to begin with) to get to the gym in the morning and going for an hour or so in the middle of the day would just mean that I’d leave between 2:30 and 3. On the days when I can leave by 8 or 9, I try to just go home and have dinner with my husband so that we actually see each other. I feel like the only people who routinely make it to the gym at my office are partners who can leave early or single associates who don’t have spouses/serious significant others to see in the evenings.
Sometimes I pine for the 24 hour gym from my college campus. I could more easily convince myself to go after work at 2 than before work at 6. Maybe I can use the possibility of making it to the gym as motivation to make partner.
Anon
Yes. I’m not married, but we’ve been together for nearly 8 years, and we encourage the other person to maintain an exercise routine even during high-stress, high-hours periods. It means less time spent together (quantity), but the quality of the time we do spend together is infinitely better. We’re both in a better headspace when we get in our workouts.
Anonymous
No, I go to the gym probably every day but I’m single and live a completely indulgent lifestyle where I work a regular 40 hour week. I’m sure I’d give it up if I worked 19 hours a day… holy moly!
Anonymous
Single people have friends and are trying to date too. It’s not like we leave the office and have zero desire for social contact so therefore can go to the gym and shop and get our nails done!
Anonymous
#smugmarrieds
anonymous
Yeah I’ll agree with anonymous that I find the assumptions in your statement very… smugmarried. Everyone has obligations/stuff to do/ people to spend time with.
Anon
And honestly, if you’re married without kids, I think it’s almost easier because you are guaranteed to see each other at least some of the night. I live far enough away from my SO (and work long enough hours) that I can’t realistically workout and hangout with him in the same night (my gym is closer to my house), so that means we hang out less per week than if I didn’t work out.
anon
Right- not only that, it takes more effort to schedule and plan a single person’s social life rather than just coming home to your husband to sit on the couch and watch netflix. Much easier, actually, to tell hubby that you’ll be a bit late ’cause you need to run to the gym or catch up at work, rather than telling all your friends to postpone the restaurant reservation you made together, or postpone a second date, or miss the start time of some planned social activity that doesn’t revolve around you at all, because you need an extra 45 minutes, too. God I love smug marrieds.
JJ
Married – two kids, 3 and 2 years old, I’m in-house counsel and my husband work a demanding professional IT job. We make it work. People make sacrifices for things that are important to them. Not saying that you have to find working out important (you do you, man – it doesn’t affect anyone else). But if people do find it important, they find ways to go.
Anonymous
If you hate going to the gym you are not going to go. Period. You need to find some activity you ENJOY doing. Walking or jogging outside. Yoga. Daily burn at home. There are so many ways to work out these days that there is no need to do anything you hate. That said, if you really just don’t like exercise in general, I’m with those who advise doing it in the morning. I love working out but only in the morning. Your whole day is free afterward and in general you will make better food choices throughout the day.
TO Lawyer
Wow this is really great ladies – thanks for all the great advice! I may have to try the morning workouts after all of this.
sooool
Try the 12 minute athlete workouts — they really are 12 minutes, really hard, but really fun. Easier to fit into my full-time-plus job with an infant.
Rant
I am wearing my very pretty d’orsay flats but, boy, I have to say they are the equivalent of exposed zippers and no-sleeves. Shoe manufacturers are probably thrilled to have to use less leather but I find the style stretches worse than any other types of shoes I own. The ones I am wearing started fairly snug and now I am stepping out of them at every step.
Sus
Try putting in an insole. Those nice clear gel-type ones are very comfortable and will take up some of that space.
Katie
I agree that they don’t seem to stretch a bit to conform to the foot like other shoes. I’ve never found a pair of d’orsays that fit properly and felt comfortable. I’ve had pairs where it feels like my foot is spilling out the side, despite being the proper width and size, and all of them want to slip off my feet when I walk. I think I’ve bought four different pairs in the past two years and can’t seem to learn my lesson!
Anonymous
heal inserts might help with this.
Alice
Any advice on resources for managing ulcerative colitis? I seem to remember there were one or two people on this board with UC.
My college-age sister has UC and is currently having a relapse. After a few years of being a bit in denial about it, she is now trying to figure out how to manage her UC much more proactively, and is asking for tips for helping her start a more UC-friendly diet (which apparently means limiting gluten and dairy, both of which she loves). I’d love any advice and resources to pass on. FWIW, she exercises a ton (she’s a dancer), doesn’t have a ton of time to cook, and is on a limited budget (see above re: college-age).
Thanks in advance.
Anon
There is a woman whose healthy lifestyle / cooking blog I used to read, and I think she has ulcerative colitis. Your sister might be able to ask her for suggestions – I think it was Say What You Need To Say (blog).
Alice
Thanks!
anon
Gluten and dairy are not among the foods people with UC are advised to avoid, unless there is a diagnosed intolerance. She should be working with her gastroenterologist on any dietary changes. If she is following her doctor’s instructions, then she is not to blame for a flare-up. The idea that she is “in denial” and needs to fix her UC herself by cutting out gluten is worrisome.
Alice
No, she’s not in denial now. She has stated that she was in the past, because she was overwhelmed with the implications of living with UC, and didn’t try at all to avoid trigger foods, limit stress, etc., as advised by doctors. She is now trying to try limiting different foods and taking different approaches to see whether any of these helps her (an approach that has been OK’d by her doctors). She thinks that dairy may have been a trigger in the past, probably based on a slight lactose intolerance, so she wants to cut it out and see if it works. Apparently if there is a slight lactose intolerance, dairy is one of the things people with UC are advised to avoid. I honestly don’t know where the gluten thing comes from, I heard that from her.
anon
My friend’s son has UC and doc definitely said no dairy and no wheat, and it’s helping him a lot. I don’t think we should judge Alice’s sister’s doc’s recommendations – the doc is the expert.
Bethany
Limiting gluten and dairy? On what planet? My husband has had UC for over 15 years, and his major diet limitations are nuts of any kind (including sesame seeds on buns) and vegetables (particularly lettuce and other fibrous stuff), because they irritate the large intestine. The man basically lives on meat and pasta with cream sauce, and his UC has been in remission for the last five years or so.
Alice
Hmmm. From what I understand, for some people with UC, dairy and especially really fatty foods (such as pasta with cream sauce) can be an issue. My sister’s doctors definitely did not recommend a diet of meat and pasta with cream sauce, especially as similar foods have perhaps exacerbated her UC symptoms (f0r the record, she would also probably happily live on meat and pasta with cream sauce…she is very much a meat-and-potatoes person).
Sally
If you want to help her, I’d recommend paying for a consultation with a registered dietitian. They will work with your sister to help her figure out how to best manage her UC within the constraints of her budget & time. Seriously, professionals are sometimes the best resources.
Alice
Thanks. Not in my budget at all, but I should suggest it to my mom…
Blonde Lawyer
There are a bunch of us on here with either Crohns or Colitis and we have an email chain going. I have crohns, not colitis but I’d be happy to pass you along to the group. My anon email is projectmundaneart @ g-mail. As for dietary changes, everyone is different. Sometimes you have to do trial and error or an elimination diet to figure out your triggers. For a long time doctors didn’t think gluten and dairy mattered. Now some do. Personally, I was lactose free starting around my diagnosis. I went full gluten free and dairy free about three years ago. Prior to that I had never seen full remission. I have been in full remission since. Maybe I have intolerances outside of my Crohns. Maybe I’m just someone who didn’t test positive for Celiac but does have it. Who knows. There is no way I would go back. My doctor is shocked at my improvement. That said, I don’t think my experience is universal and may not work for everyone w/ IBD. It can’t hurt to try to see if it helps and if it doesn’t, now you know and can go back.
One fairly universal trigger for me is raw veggies and nuts. I can have a few but not a lot. Salads tend to hurt me.
Alice
Thank you so much.
Josie Pye
I have UC and also find that raw salads (especially kale), high-fat dairy, hearty whole grains, and greasy foods tend to irritate things when I am flaring. There’s a great book called What to Eat with IBD that explains the differences between types of dietary fiber and how some make things better and some make things worse.
gingersnap
Crohn’s patient here. The book Living with Crohn’s & Colitis (by Jessica Black and Dede Cummings) is one of the few I’ll recommend to people. It touches on the science behind Crohn’s & UC and very briefly covers meds, but is basically a sort of cookbook for lifestyle/holistic approaches to add into your medical plan. I do follow one online forum- the Healing Well forum for Crohn’s, and the folks there are generally helpful (I think they have a separate board for UC).
Pointy toe shoe protection
Can someone explain to me what people mean by getting tips put on the front their pointy toe shoes? I’d love to see a picture so I can ask my cobbler for it.
AIMS
Your cobbler will know. It’s a little bit of extra sole on the bottom of the toe so that your shoe doesn’t get scuffed as much.
Basics
They are called toe taps. They come in metal or hard black plastic. I prefer the plastic ones. I usually have rubber half soles put on the sole of my shoe, then the toe taps on top of it, and then heel taps. If you do this when you buy the shoes and then maintain it, shoes will last a really long time. Years.
anonymous
I need to get back on track for my clothing budget this year. How do you resist the temptation to buy more stuff, other than unsubscribing to emails? I’ve tried focusing on things I like that I already have, focusing on other things entirely, etc. And sometimes when I’m trying to cut back, I let myself get something because I don’t really have that many clothes, and I don’t really spend much money on them in any objective sense. But I don’t need anymore. I think shopping online is mostly a thing that I do to space out and relax, and it also makes me feel pretty.
Any motivation/advice?
Anonymous
Keep online shopping, just don’t check out. It will lose its thrill when you stop receiving the packages regularly.
lawsuited
+1 I still browse online and add to my cart, but don’t check out. I’ve started to notice lately that when I go back and the items I previously put in my car are “no longer available” I really don’t care that much. So now when I’m really tempted, I tell myself that that the feeling will pass (i.e.”remember that you LOVED that green lace romper but ultimately didn’t care that it sold out”).
rice
When I need to reign in my budget, I start by identifying what it is that I think I “need”. I write down a list of items and am as specific as possible, for instance: white button down (silk), grey wool dress pants (slim leg). I don’t actually stop online shopping, because I do enjoy having something to browse when I’m bored. However, it becomes window shopping – I bookmark the pages of items I like in a “Clothing” folder. Then when my budget allows it, I peruse the items I have saved. Interestingly, with time that passes, things are often less appealing (or on sale!). Shopping has a funny psychological effect, where the rush happens when you first buy something and the perceived value/excitement of that item diminishes over time, and suddenly you think “ugh I have nothing to wear”. I find that bookmarking items that I am considering buying helps me avoid the urge to feel that immediate rush, and thus saves my budget.
I hope that makes sense!
Anonymous
This is very good advice.
BTW, it’s “rein in” one’s budget — like reining in a horse. :)
Scarlett
I clean out my closets. And then get anything I’m keeping that looks tired dry cleaned. This helps me be satisfied with what I have and also helps me remember what I already own as too much of my shopping involves buying duplicate items.
August
I always have a financial goal that I work towards. So I just have barely any money left over for unplanned shopping. My shopping sprees are during the times when I have just finished reaching one goal and I haven’t figured out what to do next. It happened during last and this month. With all the year end sales, I just spend around $1250 on shoes and clothes. It is not much in grand scheme of things. But I didn’t want to continue that. So I came up with a goal and I have not shopped for last three weeks.
LAnon
Depending on how much you typically spend, it may help to sign up for a clothing subscription service like Le Tote. For me, browsing their stuff, adding things to my “closet”, getting the packages, etc filled the online shopping void at a fixed cost every month. If that fixed cost is less than what you usually spend, this may be easier than going cold turkey.
It also helped me realize that it’s very hard for me to find clothes I like on the internet because they always look so different on the model than in real life. This helps curb the impulse to do other online shopping – I get the rental clothes, wear them once or twice, realize they’re not that great, and send them back.
Pretty Primadonna
(1) Not having enough space in the closet (and additional clothes and shoes racks) to fit all the things I own already.
(2) Having a big financial goal. Before, it was paying off/down credit card bills. Now, it’s saving for a wedding.
(3) I tend to want to purchase clothes and shoes to make up for things I really want, but cannot afford or cannot have right then. Addressing my feelings about what I am really desiring help with the impulse purchasing of clothes and shoes.
Hollis
I have three kids and drop them off at two places in the morning so my mornings are harried. Oftentimes I need to run out the door with a small makeup bag because I only have time to either fix my hair or basic makeup, but not both, but the hair is not fixable after it dries. Anyway, my question to the hive is this: is it unprofessional to be putting makeup on in the office bathroom? I only do the bare minimum (mostly so I don’t look tired), but obviously other lawyers and staff members see me if they happen to be in there at the same time. I would like to do it in the car, but my parking lot is underground. FWIW, I’m a senior associate at a law firm.
Diana Barry
FWIW, I usually put on my makeup in the car (lipstick only) or in my office with the door closed.
Anonymous
I do it all the time. What happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom.
AR
As long as you are clean about it, I think it is fine. A woman at work does her hair in the bathroom in the mornings and then there is hair everywhere all over the sink. THAT is nasty.
A lot of people do touch up makeup in the bathroom, so they probably wouldn’t notice you putting on a little bit in the morning. If you feel self conscious about it, then that is different. Maybe buy a small mirror to keep at your desk and do it there.
bridget
I think it would be weird to do intense make-up in the bathroom (like, ten minutes at it), but swiping on mascara, lipstick, powder, and blush should be fine.
Anon
Agree. If it is something that would be reasonably considered a “touch up” if you were doing it at 3pm, then I think you can do it first thing in the morning without attracting funny looks.
Senior Attorney
Do you have a private office? Maybe it would be more comfortable to do it in your office with the door closed. Although I tend to agree that what happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom so I wouldn’t worry about it either way.
anon
Get a good quality table-top mirror you can keep in your drawer at work, and do it in your office. I keep several makeup items at work plus a curling iron, deodorant, shower wipes, medications, etc.
Anonymous
I would do it in the car with the interior light on. You’re probably putting the same basic makeup on every day, so you don’t need great lighting. You know where it all goes.
Anon
If it weren’t for the office bathroom make up application option, I wouldn’t wear make up. So I say office bathroom is a win. I have gone to alternative floors – so I’ve done my make up on a floor that was not my office floor in the same building.
anonymous
Would you say you’re in love with your spouse? I’m about to get married, and I don’t feel particularly in love. I think we’re a good match and all that, but I wonder if this is some kind of sign, or if it’s just how things go when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time- you’re not always feeling the excitement 100% of the time.
mascot
What is your concept of how love looks/acts/feels? Love doesn’t mean excitement 100% of the time for me.
anonymous OP
eh, I mean someone I feel comfortable talking about innermost thoughts, intellectual debates, etc. someone who can be a real parter/companion in my life. And he definitely is. I’m just feeling a lack of excitement and wondering at what point I should feel like it’s an issue. I don’t feel romantic or any of that stuff, but my wedding is coming up. I feel like I should?
Wildkitten
I think that is what happens if you are going to marry someone you have been with for a long time or live with. You’re glad to be marrying your life partner, but you’re past the honeymoon stage already.
lawsuited
I found the weeks leading up to our wedding were stressful and I was focused on other people rather than my spouse (Have we made accommodation arrangements for out of town family? Is cousin Mike still upset about not bringing a plus 1? Is grandpa going to be well enough to read a poem or do we need to ask someone else? etc, etc. ad nauseum), so I felt more disconnected and not-in-love with my spouse in the couple of weeks before and after the wedding than I ever have.
I am deeply in love with my spouse after 10 years together, but I will say that that feeling comes in waves. We had a year-long period when we were at best indifferent and at worst antagonistic towards each other. I think if you are good companions, you’ll continue to fall in love, and continue to make it work even when you’re not feeling that way.
AR
Probably depends. Being married is not all excitement, that is for sure. For me, I knew we were right when I realized that I would rather do nothing with him, than something by myself…and that we fought well together. We are able to be ourselves, get things out in the open, work out problems, share the workload. The boring things that can turn into real deal breakers are worked out.
Not all excitement for sure. But I find, every once in a while, after a day where I have something fun to tell him, or I know he has something exciting to tell me, I cannot keep myself from grinning like an idiot when I see him coming.
anon
Have you been in love with others or is that just not your style of emotion?
I have a very comfortable co-existence with my spouse… we’ve been together 7 yrs (married for 2) and I do think I have the warm fuzzies for him more every day that passes– certainly more now than we did in the past.
It does take effort though to remain connected and to grow that feeling, and I do think we are active in that part of our relationship.
I did always know he was the one though.
However- if you have doubts, maybe you should talk through with with an involved 3rd party (like a therapist or counselor)? Sometimes that can help work through feelings.
anonymous OP
Not really. I mean I have felt way more warm and fuzzy about him in the past, and I’ll admit that it comes and goes. I guess that’s normal, and I don’t really need crazy romance or excitement. I just notice that when people talk about their wedding and how they felt etc, everyone’s all feeling like commitment is so romantic and love! and all those types of things. I don’t have any reservations and I think it’s a good choice. And of course I love him, but it seems like everyone has a way different attitude than me, so I’m trying to figure out if there’s a problem or if this is just how it is. I’m getting married in a month and that’s cool. I’m glad it’s happening, but I just don’t feel anything else overwhelming about it. Is that normal?
CountC
Why does it matter what is normal? If you are happy, believe it is the right decision for you, are on the same page with all the things you should be and okay where you aren’t, etc., then what does it matter what other people feel? It’s your marriage and your wedding, you do it because it’s right for you, not because society is telling you it should be some over the top rom com where you get stars in your eyes every time you see each other.
CountC
To add, I don’t believe in “normal,” I believe in what’s right for the people actually involved.
Anon
I felt this way as well and it is totally fine. People hype it up, so you feel like you have to buy in. If you don’t want to, then just enjoy the parts you want to enjoy. You will probably even have more fun. I watch stressed out brides because the flowers are not perfect for their big day, and they don’t seem to be enjoying themselves at all.
kb
I got married last month, and I definitely wasn’t all gaga and still am not, really. We get along great, I would rather spend time with him than anyone else, but I don’t have that head over heels feeling. I don’t think I’ve had that feeling ever very much. The reality of a whole person, including flaws, makes stars in the eyes pretty much impossible for me, but I think I prefer it this way. I think I make more logical and long-term satisfying decisions not being “crazy in love.”
So I think you’re plenty normal :)
roses
Definitely talk to a counselor. You should definitely be in love with the person who you’re marrying, IMO, but I can’t tell as an outsider whether the problem is that you have an unrealistic expectation of what love feels like or that you actually don’t love him/her.
anonymous OP
It’s also possible that we’re both very busy and sleep deprived lately and don’t have much of a chance to connect.
anon
Yes, plus the wedding itself can be extremely stressful. The moments I was most angry at my spouse (& our families for that matter) in the past decade, were definitely during wedding planning! And we are all generally an extremely laid back group of people.
Hollis
Same here. I hated making all of these decisions, worrying about looking my *best* for pictures, dieting, family squabbles about stupid things, etc. Life was much better when we didn’t have to worry about that stuff and can just be and live life.
Anonymous
I would not put too much weight on how “in love” people around you seem to be. Be confident in what you feel would make you happy. I remember when I was in a long distance relationship, and one friend seemed so “in love” with his wife of ten years. They were so affectionate with each other that I questioned my own relationship–“I don’t have what they have. Maybe what I have is not enough.” Now they are divorced. Nobody has the “perfect” relationship, and some people just act really differently in public. I grew up with Asian parents, and to this day, it’s really weird for me to see spouses engage in PDA. It’s like, what are they trying to prove? Only you know what your relationship is like and what will make you happy.
KT
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I don’t just love him, I adore him. The wedding was no big deal, because we already knew it was until death for us…I am still excited to spend time with him everyday, even when he drives me nuts, I miss him like crazy if one of us is traveling, and there is no one I would rather spend time with…if that’s not it for you, maybe do some soul-searching
anonymous OP
Well see this is what I’m talking about. Your response reads “I feel super in love. If you don’t feel how I do, maybe there’s a problem.”
There must be variations in how people with equally good relationships relate to these things, right? We’ve been together 7 years, and he’s my favorite person and all that jazz. I just don’t feel all gushy about it. It’s just a fact of life that I enjoy. Does that merit “soul searching”?
lawsuited
Yep, there’s definitely variation. My spouse and I are not star-crossed lovers, we’re regular ol’ life partners. So, we’re not gushing about how much we love each other, but we’re also not having heated fights. We’re working side by side to create a life together that makes us both happy and laughing together along the way. And I (secretly, and very biased-ly) think we might be the happiest married couple we know.
Overall, I would say trust the 7 year track record of your relationship rather than how you feel the month before your wedding. If it’s felt right to you for all that time, I don’t think more soul searching is required.
CountC
You don’t have to feel gushy to have a good and meaningful relationship!! I think the jab at the end about soul searching was crappy. He is your favorite person, you enjoy your relationship with him, you love him. Sounds fantastic to me! You don’t need to do crap for soul searching.
Bewitched
Try looking at it the other way around-how would you feel if he was gone from your life (forever), tomorrow?
I don’t always (or often) feel gushy towards my spouse (I’m like lawsuited, below). Not gushy, not always EXCITED to spend time with him. But I would be devastated if he were not in my life. So that’s love for me.
Em
AnonOP – I’m feeling you. The boy and I have been looking at rings and moving forward after 9 years, but I don’t know that he’s my favorite person. He’s a great partner, good person, we like doing nothing together, but favorite person? inspiring person? nope. Don’t know if that’s a problem. I have been debating seeing a third party for this actually.
anonymous OP
So to be fair, I’m not sure he’s my *favorite* person like there’s no one else on that level. I’m really fortunate to be very close to a handful of people (my dad, childhood friend, college friend, etc). Any of these people could vie for that title. The other ones, though, aren’t what I’m looking for in a partner.
I think you should see someone for it. You don’t want to get up to the day and wish you had, I think.
KT
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to be crappy or judgey. There is no one way you “should” feel, the important thing is you are happy and secure in your decision. I just meant if you are questioning whether it’s supposed to be more, maybe you just needed to reflect on why–because you feel pressured? Because of one ideal of what a relationship is? A less schmoopy relationship is totally okay if it works for you, as long as it really does work for you.
Seatown Gal
One other thought is your upcoming wedding. I got married a year ago and it’s been a great first year of marriage. I wanted to get married, but was I super excited about the wedding process? Nah. I mean, buying a beautiful dress was great, but I didn’t enjoy the planning. The wedding itself? Great. But I don’t think I was most in love right before the wedding, due the stress and pressure involved. The year after getting married has been the best of our relationship and I love him deeper everyday. I think being married has allowed me to more deeply invest and connect.
Esquared
Kinda freaking out- I’m 7 months pregnant & I can’t figure out childcare for the baby in Feb.
There are no openings, everything seems ridiculously expensive ($75/day). Doesn’t cover the hrs I need (only Mon- Thurs- 8-4) and some of the home centers have demanded things like 4 weeks paid vacation a year (I don’t get that! I’d have to pay them, then pay someone else for coverage! Am I crazy in thinking that is insane? My husband thinks it’s not super weird).
I live in the peninsula (San Francsico/SF/Bay area)– any recommendations?
Also, on a related note- my employer let’s me take 6 months off unpaid if I want to. We could potentially afford this. Has anyone done this? I work in a regulated industry as a lawyer- so it’s not a big firm situation where it will be held directly against me at the end of the year in terms of billables (but you know, there’s always understated discrimination).
Anon
Have you checked for mom meetups/Support groups in your area? They might have great recommendations and one might love to get paid to watch a baby for such reasonable hours. As the kid gets older you can look at a center to help with development, but right now you might just need a mom friend.
Wildkitten
Having reliable childcare for 48 weeks and having to find an alternative for 4 weeks doesn’t seem like the worst set up I’ve ever heard of.
Wildkitten
And $75/day = $1500/month doesn’t seem outrageous.
anon
Yes, but that is for Mon-Thurs, & I would likely have to find pre-morning & after work care to cover the other hrs & care for Friday– which to me seems like it will have to be a nanny so far & the cost seems like it will be $20k/yr+.
tesyaa
I’m not in your area, but in the Northeast, $20K for a full-time nanny is on the low side.
KT
I was going to say, in my area, that would be pretty reasonable
Anon
This is normal in my area (meaning, having a child care center or day care plus before/after care), and I live in a lower cost of living than SF. I try to be the one who picks my child up from day care once a week to cut down on after care costs and increase time with my little one, but having after care and re-arranging my schedule is the only thing that worked. You may want to see if working from home on Fridays is an option for you, even if you only do one Friday per month to cut back on costs. It’s hard to work from home with a little one, but with time, I’ve been able to get pretty good at doing the “work from home with a little one occasionally” thing
Anonymous
$75/day is cheap. Esp for infant. I pay about that much at a hospital subsidized daycare in the Midwest. I am thrilled.
mascot
Even at a daycare center, you’ll probably still be paying for holiday day/week closures. It’s more of a means of consistent billing/cash flow on their part than you paying for something that you don’t get if that makes sense.
Anon
Figuring out childcare is hard and expensive. Believe it or not, some people don’t start as early as you have, so you’re on the ball.
I’m a single parent and have been since my child a baby. Everyone’s needs differ, but there are a lot of options.
FWIW, the first child care arrangement I had was an in home center. I paid her two weeks vacation and had to find alternative care during that time. Her hours weren’t ideal for me – she was open 7 am to 4:30pm. So, I arranged to work different hours at my smaller firm, and I woke up insanely early to work from home every day before I took my son to day care. While my son was at the in home place, I kept my eyes on day care centers with openings and when I found an opening, switched him. He was about 2 at the time of the switch. They had better hours and were slightly more expensive per week.
Friends of mine have nanny shared with other families. This gives more flexibility in hours but is pretty pricy. I couldn’t afford this option.
I agree with Anon above – look around for other mom friends. They will be invaluable. There’s also sites like care.com and nanny services that are great. I signed on with an emergency nanny service when my son was 4. I instantly felt less stressed out because the service will provide a nanny with 2 hours notice in the case of an emergency need for child care. Prior to signing on with the nanny service, since I didn’t have a significant other who could help and no family in the area, if my son got an ear infection for example and I had a court mandated hearing, I was hosed. I’ve used the nanny service for regular care, but thankfully, have never needed the emergency option. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have signed up for something that I haven’t needed in years.
OP
Thanks, I think the “deal while I can” & look for a better arrangement is what will probably end up happening.
My husband works for a big firm & they actually provide 2 weeks of emergency care a year– glad to hear that it has been a safety net for you, and I’ll definitely look more closely into it.
He actually asked some of the women he works with what they do & if they’d be interested in nanny-shares & they said that they don’t bother anymore, they all just sucked it up and hired private nannys eventually.
Just wanted to also say big ups for handling this alone– I have so much more respect for mothers, esp single ones, now that I’m seeing a bit of all that goes into this.
anon
To me the idea of having a part-time nanny plus part-time in-home day care sounds inconsistent, incredibly stressful, expensive, and generally unworkable. You would have to be in communication with two different care providers, one of whom you would never actually see because presumably the nanny would be doing drop-off and pick-up at the in-home day care. You might also have trouble finding a nanny willing to work just a couple of hours in the early morning and another couple hours in the late afternoon plus all day Friday. Can you afford to hire a full-time nanny just until you get off the wait list at a real day care center?
Anon for this
Daycare is insanely frustrating. With that said, you’re not at all behind on looking for places if you’re looking for a spot in February and, IME, you’ll be surprised how things work out. We were waitlisted everywhere in town, including one place that did not think they would have an opening until my child was over 2 years old. I began to think that everyone put their names on lists prior to even conceiving. But, by some miracle, when my child was 3 days old, we got off the waitlist at our top choice center and had a spot available for when I went back to work. I feel like this story is not at all unique and almost all my mom friends have a similar one. Check with all your friends who have small children and see what centers they use or recommend. Let people you work with or are on committees with know you are looking for childcare — I had several people I was tangentially related to send me nanny recs. As for cost, that’s actually not all that out of line with what I pay, and my city is not as HCOL as SF. Childcare is just astonishingly expensive. And yes, like others have said, we have to pay for every day/week, whether we use it or not and even if the center is closed.
OP
That is heartening to hear about getting off of wait lists, thank you!
Many of the places we called in June, said they might have openings next June– which completely stumped me as babies do only take 9 months to bake & no one will even talk to you pre-conception.
I think though it has more to do with the infants they currently care for & when those kids will age out.
Otherwise, these other parents are way ahead of us!!! ;p
Anon in SV
I’m on the Peninsula, in the valley. My baby will be starting daycare in the fall, at 4.5 months. I looked into a lot of daycares around here and found centers pretty consistently priced at $2.2k/month for full time 7:30-5:30 care in Palo Alto or Menlo a couple hundred less for MV/LA, and $1.6-$1.8k for RWC or sunnyvale. Small, home based cares were a little less, but not much. I also started looking 7 months in advance and couldn’t even get in the wait list at most places; they told me I was too late.
Be forewarned that friends have told me that nannies here are smart, they discuss their wages amongst themselves, and when they learn of higher wages, they come home and politely demand more money. There is such a shortage of caregivers here and such an abundance of very wealthy families that blackmail raises and nanny poaching are common.
Anonymous
Hold on. We advocate all the time here for women to get the market rate for their labor. Nannies should do the same. Asking for a raise, or changing employers to find a better salary isn’t blackmail, it is smart business sense.
Maizie
Amen!
Anon in SV
As I said, they’re smart. The blackmail is “jane’s family is paying
her $× more per hour than you’re paying me. Pay me that starting next week or I am quiting.” Despite having negotiated $y for a set period of time, and in full knowledge that you can’t find a replacement that quickly. And this “negotiation” can happen repeatedly, upping wages each time. There’s a total lack of predictability, and you’re competing with the many Palo Alto/Menlo/Atherton/Los Altos/Portola/Woodside families in the 1% who can easily pay tens of thousands more without feeling it. It’s a truly fantastic place to be a nanny, and yes, good for them, but it’s a rough place to be a “regular” family who wants a nanny and can’t pay wages that the 1% can. The valley is a microclimate of an even higher cost of living in the highest cost of living in the country.
OP, your hospital will have Mommy groups (packard’s is Tuesday mornings in menlo, anyone can go, I go though I didn’t deliver at packard; I’m sure RWC kaiser and sequoia will have ones too). Join Las Madres’ RWC playgroup, and check out blossom birth, day one baby, and parents place, all in palo alto. I’m also in the junior league (open houses this august!) and know women who are moms through that too.
I didn’t look too much into rwc daycare because I’m in the valley, but I looked up licensed daycares in Santa Clara county on 4c dot org and just started calling all of them.
OP
I’m at Kaiser RWC & am going to go to some of their classes in Sept, thank’s I’ll look into those other ones.
Did you go to blossom birth for their classes? Been really curious about them.
anon
I’m sure they’d have something else to say about this, but… these ladies appear to be making $20k/yr for each kid they take care of & take care of about 10 kids each (with Friday’s off & paid vacation). They live in, own & run their business out of houses that are now worth $1 mill +. They appear to be making more, without the 7 year higher-ed requirement & hundreds of thousands of dollars or debt the rest of us are in.
I honestly think they are winning at life and have seriously reconsidered my life decisions during this process.
Op
I’m in Rwc and I work across the bay…do you have any recs for actual places?
Or mommy groups? I’m not terribly in the loop on these things.
Anonymous
On the peninsula in the Bay Area as well. Now that my daughter is 2, cost has dropped to $85/day for M-F, open from 6 am (she isn’t dropped off that early) to 6 pm. She was more when she was a toddler. Infant care is just really expensive.