Wednesday’s Workwear Report: ‘Nocturnal’ Tweed Blazer

378 Comments

1. Yay! This is such a cute blazer, Kat! It looks so British, even tho we are all engrossed with BREXIT.

   I am goeing to get a blazer like this even if the manageing partner does NOT approve b/c I have some extra spending money. Morover, I am finally back at work. Rosa had me stay with the kid’s and housekeeper while she went with Ed. She did NOT trust him to be alone with women for 3 day’s in the country. FOOEY on MARRIED men that cannot be trusted around pretty women. I hope the hive keep’s cool today. We need to look our best for the men in our lives — if we have any. YAY!!!!

2. Reposting from last night as per someones recommendation. Thanks for the replies so far! How do you leave a live in partner? In the words of Senior Attorney, he has a deal breaker (his inability to commit) which for me is not a price of admission thing. I’ve gotten my financial ducks in a row but what now? Do I tell him or just take a day off work and move out? I don’t really want to talk to him about it. He will either be awful to me or it will be the kick in the pants to propose. Neither of which I want to deal with. I’m not sad or anything. I just need logistical help. TIA

   1. I have not left a live-in partner personally, but I’ve watched it happen a few times, and from what I’ve seen, it’s a lot cleaner to move out then break up. I’d probably take a day off from work, move my essentials out to wherever I’m going, then tell him that night (either in person or over the phone, whichever feels safer to you) that you’ve moved out and the relationship is over. He’s going to feel ambushed/blindsided/whatever no matter how you do it, so you might as well do it in the way that doesn’t require you to have to then deal entered into a protracted negotiation with him about when you can come get your stuff after you’ve broken up with him.

      1. That should say “then enter into a protracted negotiation” at the end there.

      2. No. She’s an adult. Unless there’s a risk of violence or retaliation, this is so immature. Adults who move in together need to be adult enough to have a conversation.

   2. So, assuming there are no violence issues, you don’t leave in the middle of the night. You have the uncomfortable but necessary talk.

      Think of it almost as resigning from a job. You get something else lined up, you go to him and say the relationship of ‘Effective X, I will be moving out. Thank you for your time, I wish you all the best.’

      Have a plan as to what you want to do with joint pets, joint furniture, joint vehicles, etc. Realize right now what you are and are not willing to accept. It’s going to be hard. Really, really hard. Be ready to mourn the future you could have had. Lean on your friends- you will need them. Know that you are doing it for the right reasons.

      I suggest doing the breakup on a Friday evening, crashing at your friend’s house Friday night and then having everything enlisted to move on Saturday morning. If you can afford it, hire movers to make this go as quickly as possible. Make sure partner is removed on any relevant bank accounts, any applicable credit cards are closed out, and your beneficiaries are changed. Switch any utilities to the name of the person staying in the apartment. Page me for more logistical help- I recently did this for a friend who broke up with a guy who thought he would marry her, but they really didn’t actually like each other while she was overseas (yeah… I know… they’re both much happier now).

   3. You talk to him about it. Make a plan first- where are you going? When? How are you getting there? And then you tell him

   4. I’d arrange for the move, tell him the night before, and then stay at a friend’s (or in a hotel) that night, and move out the next day. Worse comes to worse offer to sleep on the couch. Don’t be apologetic, tell him this shouldn’t come as a surprise. I think the only thing to think about is if both your names are on the lease, who is going to cover your share of the rent? Can he afford the rent on his own? Will you expect to pay your share of the rent while he a) finds a different apartment or b) finds a roommate. I’d have a plan in place for discussing the logistics of things because you aren’t just breaking up, you’re moving out of a shared place.

      1. This. You made a commitment to live together, which means some shared finances. As long as there is no fear that he will be violent, you should respect that commitment enough to end it with some notice and negotiation.

         Also, make sure you have support. I once helped a friend leave a long-term live-in partner, and it was hard. It was the opposite situation – he wanted to get married, and she didn’t – but she still had a rough time emotionally. She hurt him even though she didn’t want to, and she was hurting from the loss and uncertainty, even though she instigated it. You say you aren’t sad, but at some point you likely will be. If your friends aren’t clued in, they need to be.

         1. What I’ve done in the past is determine where I was going to stay, packed up all my essentials, and waited for him to get home before I picked up everything and left. I I told him I was leaving, that it was over, and I was willing to pay for the rent through to the next month so he could continue staying there and would have time to find somewhere else to live. That last bit was to assuage my feelings of guilt.

            It’s tough. No way around that.

   5. My friend had this issue–her LT boyfriend told her it was “none of her business” that he was considering grad school (not for approval, just a heads up!) because it was his life — never mind they’d been discussing marriage and their lives together. She needed to wait until the lease on their apartment ended, but in the meantime, she couch surfed at friends’ apartments or on her own couch (since the thought of sharing a bed with him was just a “no”), spent a lot of time at work, etc. She found a place that she could afford herself, and then we friends rallied to help her move out. It was not easy, and she showed the stamina of a marathoner (she realized in February it was no good, and couldn’t move out til July). She told him that she was moving out, there was nothing he could do, and to please leave her alone.

   6. Your question really annoyed me yesterday and also this morning. Whatever the situation it is with your ex, why do you need consensus around how to move out logistically? Get friends or hire movers. take a day off if needed. I am not sure if this is a cry for help because you really need to talk to someone about this or if you don’t know how to break up with someone in an adult fashion?

      1. Its a matter of logistics. I don’t know the order of operations so to speak. I’d like to successfully move and move on in the best way possible. Its not inherently obvious (at least to me) whether discussion comes before or after and when do enlist movers etc. I figured someone would have done it before and know

         1. Before. Unanimously you do not just vanish one day and then call.

         2. I just commented on your original thread, but I’ll do it again here. We’ve actually had a commenter who came home to a surprise move out/break up via note. That’s a terribly cruel thing to do to a person. Could you imagine opening your front door and the shock of trying to figure out what happened, then it dawning on you? Then he’s likely going to contact you when his emotions are running high and demand an explanation. Like it or not, you live with this person, and you owe him the decency of handling the logistics in a mature manner that considers the impact of your move out on his living arrangements.

            1. I don’t think it’s my responsibility. I was mislead into playing house. We had a time line which he failed to uphold. Our agreement was engagement at X years, its currently X years and a few months.

            2. Oh for heavens sake. Get over yourself.

            3. Oh lord. I’m not talking about coddling his emotions about the break up. I’m talking about a) not being cruel and b) not f’ing up someone’s living situation/finances.

               He did not breach a contract. A relationship timeline is not legally binding. I get that you’re hurt by that, but the fact that he didn’t propose to you is not a free pass on avoiding your responsibilities to handle legal and financial things like bills, leases, shared furniture, like an adult.

            4. That’s me. I’m the poster whose live-in boyfriend moved out suddenly and dumped me with a note. Everything seemed normal leading up to this; I had come home with groceries to cook us dinner. Situation was reversed – I wanted to get married and he did not (assumed – see above, dumped via note with no explanation).

               Please do not do this. It is incredibly cruel and was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Besides the usual breakup misery, the lack of notice was an incredible financial burden. I could not afford our apartment on my own and had to move very abruptly. I had not planned for this and it cost thousands of dollars to find a new apartment, put down security deposit, move. Not to mention breaking my lease, having to buy all new everything because he took all of the furniture, etc. It has taken a year for me to get back on track.

               Between the shock, the financial crisis, and the sadness, I actually became suicidal and was hospitalized. This is not to say that you are responsible for his money or mental health – but you are a human and wanted to marry this guy. He deserves empathy and notice, even if he’s the ‘bad guy’ in this situation.

            5. He can afford our apartment and I’m leaving all he furniture

            6. However you choose to do this, do not do it in such a way that makes him think that he dodged a bullet by not marrying you.

               I think the advice to have a place to stay after the initial talk, and then move out, is good. The only thing I would add is that you could, you know, talk logistics and financials with him, too: after all, you were planning on getting engaged and are capable of having those talks.

            7. So much this. I am not the woman who came home to a break-up note, but my ex broke up with me by moving his stuff out of our apartment while I was at work, and I came home to him breaking up with me that evening. I was totally blindsided and it was incredibly cruel. You must be an adult and have the talk with him, even if it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise. If you cared enough that you wanted to get married, you should care enough to be a bigger person by having the conversation first.

         3. If this is honestly someone you want(ed) to marry and spend the rest of your life with, I’d assume your lives and friends overlap and would think it best to at least do him the courtesy of telling him you’re leaving in person rather than moving out in secret. I personally would be blindsided if my live-in partner suddenly moved out overnight and decided that because I hadn’t yet proposed, I had breached my right to be treated with human decency because it was July now and originally I’d planned to propose in June. Life happens, work comes up, and unless he’s a truly shit human being, this doesn’t seem like the sort of unforgiveable sin that justifies utter bridge-burning.

            You’re fully within your rights to be done waiting, that’s true, but I don’t think you’re within your rights to decide to be needlessly cruel.

            1. I love him more than anything but I have enough self respect not to wait around.

            2. Again, you’re totally within your rights to be done waiting, but as a commentor said above: try not to leave him thinking he dodged a bullet by not proposing.

            3. Unless there’s a risk of retaliation and/or violence, you owe it to him to tell him first. Adults have uncomfortable conversations and then work out the logistics. If you want to minimize his reaction, then do it in a public place. I would probably first think I’d been robbed if I came home and my partner’s things were gone. You owe him the decency of being an adult.

      2. yes girl. this is exactly what I was thinking

   7. I have moved out/broken up twice. I cannot fathom moving out in the middle of the night (essentially) unless there is/could be violence involved. Be an adult, have the conversation. Get all your ducks in a row, figure out where you are going, when you are going, as others have mentioned what you are doing with your joint property and pets, what you plan to do about the lease if it has your name on it (as you are contractually responsible, probably jointly and severally, regardless of whether you are living there or not), and then have a frank and honest conversation with your partner and outline what is appropriate for him/her to know.

      It’s interesting that you want the adult and mature response from him — commitment — but are contemplating doing the immature thing of moving out with no notice (again, assuming no violence or abuse is present).

      1. And even then, it may be possible to have a reasonably civil conversation if other people (housemates, or the general public, as in outside/ at a restaurant) are around.

         I broke up with my emotionally-abusive live-in boyfriend in my twenties (decades ago, now) by having a conversation and giving him the facts. I slept on the couch, then found a new place. Even though I hated him because of the abuse, I never would’ve left in the middle of the night, or without telling him what I was doing. That is unnecessarily and unspeakably cruel.

   8. Others have answered well on the emotional and logistical timing, but I wanted to add that you should definitely hire movers and make sure you have a strong and supportive person present (friend, family). Having more people around during the actual move will hopefully minimize an sort of scene he might make. If you fear violence or a fight over possessions you can see if your local police/sheriff can provide a peace officer – my sister did that once and it really helped the situation.

   9. My sister went through this a few years ago (including sticking it out way too long before making the call to end it)and I was shocked at how many people advised her to pack up and leave before telling him.

      My advice to her went, line up your ducks, have people ready to come over and help in an hour or so, then sit down and tell him. Yes, he might say some shitty things (hence the lined up back up), yes he may try to convince you to stay (so be sure in your decision, also backup), but he wasn’t a bad person it was just a bad relationship. Be as kind as you can in ending it. Karma. I just broke off a 4 year relationship over a similar issue and friends are quick to call him an asshole. My mantra is he’s not a terrible person, he is a terrible boyfriend, they are different things.

      Actually it was three years ago to be exact, and my sister just got married last weekend to a really awesome guy.

   10. I’m sorry your relationship is ending.

       What advice would you give to a friend who is wants a divorce? What advice would you give to a friend who wants to move out of a shared apartment with a roommate? Although this is not exactly either of those situations, since you are living together and (possibly) have intertwined possessions and finances, you are more similar to a divorce situation than to a simple roommate or breakup situation.

       How much stuff in the the shared apartment was yours, his or purchased joinly? How much of it do you care about vs how much of it are you willing to walk away from? Is there anything shared between you that you think would become contentious?

       1. I want my clothes and the pets. He can keep everything else. My “move” is like 5 boxes and will take 30 minutes

          1. Did you get any of your pets jointly? Because if my partner took off without telling me first AND took the dog, there’d be hell to pay!

             1. Yeahhhh OP you need to woman up and have the conversation. I would go nuclear if I came home and my partner and pets were gone.

                FWIW, it sounds like you really don’t want to have this conversation and you really don’t want to hear everyone telling you that you need to. You owe it to your partner to tell him you’re leaving, barring abuse or violence. It’s the adult, decent, and humane thing to do.

   11. You say you have all of your financial ducks in a row. What about him? Is he going to be blindsided that he’s now paying 100% of the expenses and rent? [FWIW, if you are on the lease and he doesn’t pay, you are still on the hook. You might want to revisit with the landlord if you are just month to month.]

       If it’s a studio or one-BR, it’s not like he can get another roommate to help pay if finances are at all strained by your moving out. [I’ve always been friends with the “poorer” half of a couple and one reason they moved out is that they couldn’t afford to stay if they were the other person left — they didn’t want to wreck their credit while picking up the relationship pieces.]

       I think you have a discussion just to give notice to him (maybe you’d done this already) rather than just vanish one day. It’s a karma thing.

   12. I have been in this situation and think it’s a little unfair of all the people posting like this is so “easy”
       and obvious. Everyone is different and every relationship is different. I wholeheartedly agree with the “get your ducks in a row” scenario: find an apartment, book a hotel, whatever, move your stuff into it, and then have a conversation and leave afterwards. This approach was basically the only way I could stand to leave my relationship. If you’re contemplating such a strategy, this is probably why. I agree with others that the conversation is the right thing to do, but have somewhere to go (and not come back) when it’s done.
       Just make sure you are actually done and this isn’t just a really serious ultimatum. Because if that’s the case and things go your way you may have permanently damaged your relationship.

   13. I think it’s cruel to just leave while he’s at work. At some point, you must have had feelings for this person and it does not sound like there has been any violence. Arrange for a new place to stay whether that’s a new apartment or a friend’s couch, and tell your partner that you are breaking up. You don’t have to talk about it for hours, but don’t just leave. Even if you have your finances set, make sure that your partner is not left paying for housing expenses that you committed to together.

   14. I commented on this last night, and I’m just coming back to say that I considered doing a Katie Holmes when I left my former husband, and in hindsight I’m very glad I didn’t do it even though he was and is an awful human being and even though it was awful living with him for three weeks between the time I told him I was leaving and the time my new apartment was ready. It’s less about him than the kind of person I wanted to be.

       I think the minimum requirements are: (1) don’t leave him holding the bag financially, and (2) tell him face to face in advance, even if it’s just the day of the move.

       1. As usual I agree with Senior Attorney (with the caveat that if you are in fear of violence as a response all bets are off and the first priority is your safety).

          Please also know that even if you feel he CAN afford the apartment, if you are on the lease you will still be responsible for the rent if he chooses not to pay it. If think that potentially he will be “awful” to you, perhaps he would not hesitate to leave you on that hook financially if you gave him reason to. That financial risk might be enough motivation to have a civilized conversation about logistics and get an agreement from him regarding the rent and removing you from the lease before you leave, even if Senior Attorney’s more altruistic motivations would not be.

          I’m sorry that your relationship is ending and hope that this will be the start of more happiness for you.

       2. Yes, you leaving without saying anything speaks more about the kind of person you are than who he is.

   15. I’m surprised to hear people feel so strongly about not moving your things before you tell him. When I left my first husband, I told him and then moved out a few days later. The moving part was extremely difficult for him (he insisted on being there and alternated between crying and being an a**hole). I honestly think it would have been easier for him if he hadn’t had to spend a full day watching me pack up my stuff.

       Honestly, you know this dude and no one else here does. If he is going to be difficult about letting you pack up your stuff, or if you think he might otherwise lash out, I’d consider moving first. If you’re leaving him, it is going to hurt him either way.

       1. Oh, the best thing I did when I left was to pay for my husband to stay in a hotel for two nights so I could hae the place to myself to finish packing up in peace and deal with the movers and so on. We were on decentish terms so that worked out for us. YMMV, of course.

       2. I will also add that my husband responded with much more vitriol than I expected. He sure got worked up for such a lazy stoner. He made things MUCH more difficult than I expected re: division of the stuff. And I was very generous about what I wanted to take versus leave with him. He just really, really wanted to find a way to “get back at me.” So… there’s that.

       3. Actually I don’t think anyone said that. Almost everyone is saying make a plan and/or move the stuff but you still have to tell him first. (I.e. Meet him when he comes home and tell him) it’s straight pyschopath to move out, take (his? Joint?) pets and not even speak to him

   16. I agree with everyone’s advice to just tell him and be upfront. Be firm that this is not a discussion and that because you wanted to be married in X number of years and he didnt follow that so youre now over. Perhaps you can talk to him when he gets home and plan to move your stuff out that same day to minimize the awkwardness.

       Leaving in the middle of the night is immature when it doesnt sound like he was abusing you and/or was a threat to your safety. Yes, he ultimately isnt ready to get married in the same time frame as you and that must suck if he was leading you on. But you agreed to move in with him without that commitment or a ring on your finger. It is your right to now want that ring but you need to tell him your terms have changed and you want out.

       Just leaving like that is really cruel and it is clear that youre hurting and feel like youve wasted your time with this person. Perhaps once you say flat out that you are ending things because of x,y, and z to him you can start letting go and moving on to the next chapter of your life.

   17. Do you still want him to propose at this point? If so, have an actual conversation and say, I’m thinking about moving about because X.

       Also, you indicated that it is just a matter of months that he is off schedule. Are we talking about one month or 11 months? Have you had conversations about it in the interim? I agree with the poster who says life happens. It is not to say that it is not important to him, but who knows what kind of logistical situations he has on his end: buying the ring, crazy time at work, family issues, wanting the perfect timing/scenario.

       1. Its 2 months off at this point. He keeps saying “soon” and when he’s “ready” which I take as code for never.

          1. I am sorry you are going through this. I had to go through something similar. We didn’t live together in my case but we did have an “agreement” and he kept pushing it off “x months” then “x+ however many other months” without a decent explanation for the holdup. At the end I was so mad and hurt that I didn’t even know what to say and I just wanted him to understand that he was risking losing a very good relationship. My 2 cents from this internet stranger is that if you really do love him more than anything you should think about talking with him before you move out.

             We did end up getting married BTW. That time was by far the most difficult 15 months – yep 15 months and we were by no means young – of our relationship. But he did propose and we are really really happy.

          2. Do you think it would change how you felt if he could find a way to unpack those statements and figure out what they really mean, why he’s really using them? I am in no way suggesting that it’s your job or role to be a therapist, but I’m curious.

             1. It would change everything if I got a real answer

3. I work in a small niche area and am fairly new at my job (<1 year). There is a university that puts on a week-long "basics of X" course for professionals in this niche which is sponsored by some of the major organizations in my industry (including an organization that my company is a member of). Even though I have been learning the basics over the past year, I think this conference would be really helpful. However, I know my company is working on cutting costs and the conference, flight, and hotel would be very expensive. I would like to bring this up to my boss, but does anyone have any advice for how to do this and how to justify the expense? Also, how far in advance would you mention it? I've never asked for anything like this before.

   1. At least in my field (healthcare finance), conferences usually have a reduced fee for early registration. If that’s the case here, and you’re within the discount period, you should bring it up as soon as possible.

      Build a business case for going. What will you learn? How will sponsoring this help your organization, and your boss in particular?

      Also, even if the answer is no this time, find out if there is a budget for education in your department and how much it is. Is there funding for one team member to attend a conference annually, and it rotates? Does the organization only send more senior people to conferences as a management perk? This way, you’ll know how to handle it in the future.

      1. Aside- what conferences do you find most useful for healthcare finance? I always do ANI/HFMA but want to start expanding.

         1. Those are both great. I’ve also done some HIMSS events, and IHI when I had more of an operations focus. Also, if you’re in revenue cycle, some vendors have good user groups which are a great way to see how other organizations are using systems you have or you’re considering. Experian/Passport is a good one.

   2. Put together a little business case- by why it’s good for YOU, but why it’s good for the company. What will it cost? What can they expect to get in return?

      Ask them ASAP especially since you mentioned budget issues. Be prepared to offer to go to next year’s instead of there isn’t $$ in the budget (example: my conference budget for my team is ~50k with most of that planned a year out. We can swap things around but it’s a matter of priority and the earlier we swap priorities the better. If you want to add a 5k conference in December and you tell me in December, it ain’t happening.)

      Not sure on your role but if you can get discounts, explain how. Some conferences take volunteers, some have way cheaper offsite hotels, some (most) give free passes to exhibitors or if you give a talk. Maybe you have a vendor exhibiting that will toss you a pass.

      1. +1 for asking about it and whether it could be budgeted for next year. You can also ask around and find out if the company has ever sent people to that conference in years past – because some conferences are actually worth attending for their content, others are more valuable as a networking tool, and others are honestly a 95% an excuse for people to go spend time in a tropical climate and only 5% actually useful. Or since this is more of a course than a conference, you probably want to make sure it’s really aimed at people at your level, and not people looking to break into the industry, or a subset of your industry like the engineers or marketing group.

         Do your homework and price out what a flight, hotel room and conference registration would actually cost – because you don’t want your boss to approve it based on a cost of $X, and then you find out the only available flights and hotels will bring it to $1.5X

         At a minimum, be prepared to give some kind of feedback/presentation/report on what you learn at the training.

         Is it always held at the same university, or does that same industry group hold a similar event at a school near you, or does it rotate to different parts of the country for different years?

         1. It is always held at the same university – it is the only one with a specific degree for this field (though I don’t actually know anyone with that degree) – and always in the same city. I think it helps my pitch that the city isn’t exactly glamorous or tropical.

            I don’t know of anyone in my department attending a conference or any kind of outside training course in the past, but members of the department have attended in-house trainings which required travel. I would probably try to pitch this as similar to those.

            It’s definitely aimed at people at my level – which is great because I’ve been learning “on the job” and although people have been generous with their time and trying to help train me, this would allow them to focus more on their work than teaching me the basics. I’m not saying I’m totally useless at work until I attend a course, but the course covers an important part of my job that people haven’t really had the time to train me on yet. They did intentionally hire someone without experience and planned to train me (and probably because I’m cheaper), so I’m hoping this will be seen as a reasonable cost of training me.

            Thanks everyone for the advice to mention it as something to budget for next year if this year doesn’t work out and for what to put together to present it! It is all very helpful!

   3. You’ve received some great advice. I would also volunteer to teach a short class to my co-workers about the subject area if that would be helpful. Depending on the length of the conference, you could also volunteer to use some leave instead of having the office eat that cost too.

      1. I was thinking about offering to eat some of the cost (heck I’d eat most of the cost) if I could not have it count as vacation. I value my limited vacation days more than the costs of this course. Would it be shooting myself in the foot to offer to pay some of the costs when I first propose it?

         1. Not necessarily. You can offer that as an option if they say no otherwise, though have a set cost in mind. If you itemize taxes, you could write off your contribution.

4. Please resolve a dispute between DH and myself. When you have a piece of furniture, say a bed, that is off center to the wall, do you hang a picture that is centered to the wall, or centered to the piece of furniture?

   DH insists that the picture should be centered to the wall, but I think it should be centered to the bed. Thoughts?

   1. It should be centered to the ceiling light and to the TV location, but whatever.

   2. Centered to the bed

   3. Centered to the bed, 100%. Centered to the wall is just going to look like you don’t know how to line things up.

   4. Definitely centered over the bed. Hanging the picture centered on the wall will accentuate the fact that the bed isn’t centered.

      Maybe present it to him this way: the purpose of the wall art is to highlight the focal point, which is in this case, the bed.

   5. Maybe I lived in Earthquake Country for too long, but the idea of anything hanging over the bed gives me the heebie jeebies! Even ignoring that, though, the answer depends a lot on the size of the room, placement of the bed, other large items of furniture, etc. There’s not one clear answer.

      1. This. You do not hang a framed picture over the bed because it will fall on your head when the Big One arrives.

         1. Accurate. Nothing goes above your head that would hurt you if it fell on you when the earthquake happens.

            1. For realsies.

      2. My thoughts too! If you aren’t ok with it falling on your head, it shouldn’t be hung above your bed! (We have a tapestry hung from a lightweight rod over our bed.)

   6. I think your husband works in my office and hung the picture above my desk off center to the desk, but perfectly centered to the wall. Maybe this is a male thing? I don’t hate it, having lived with it for a few years but It would obviously be way better centered to the desk. So you win.

   7. this is what accent walls/wallpapers are good for!

   8. Bed for sure.

   9. It’s your place. Center it how you think it looks best. Live your own life in your own style.

      1. +1 I don’t see how telling your husband that you’re right and he’s wrong because a bunch of anonymous internet commenters said so is going to help your relationship. The two of you decide where you want the picture – there is no right or wrong.

      2. Huh? We’re married. It’s our place. The issue is he thinks it looks best centered to the wall, I disagree.

         I’m going to show him these responses. Thanks for the validation!

         1. You can probably google it and find the answer from a design source that would be more legitimate, at least to me if I were him.

         2. Put up painters tape in the appropriate size in the center of the bed (on the wall) and then one off to the side. If it is off to the side, consider a small table, deck, chair underneath the picture so it is intentional.

            You can cut out the area of the painting on gift wrap or grocery bag and then hang it up in both locations. Wait a week and see what you think.

   10. Depends on the relative sizes of the bed/art and just how off center it will be. Really hard to say without those details.

   11. Centered to the bed.

5. What are the Target sheets that everyone recommends on here? I need new sheets for my guest room and I remember seeing them recommended awhile back, but I don’t think the actual brand was mentioned (Threshold, Fieldcrest, etc) Thanks!

   1. I’ve had good luck with the Threshold sheets. I like the “vintage wash” or something that’s similar – basically they are really soft. I don’t expect them to last years and years but they will be good for a while.

      1. +1 for the Threshold sheets.

   2. If you are open to other suggestions I looooooove these sheets. I bought two sets over two years ago and alternate between the two sets (washing weekly) and they are still in great condition. They also come in a ton of colors.

      https://www.amazon.com/Elegant-Comfort-4-Piece-Egyptian-Quality/dp/B0093UR51K?ie=UTF8&ref_=cm_rdp_product

   3. I like their percale ones. Not sure if they are threshold or not. But they are crispy cool, wash up nice and have worn like iron. I like them just as much as my expensive Garnet Hill Percale sheets, FWIW.

6. The plus-size picks are beautiful, more traditional and less Clueless-inspired.

   1. +1 agree!

7. Does anyone here work in NYS government? What’s so great about NYS government benefits?

   I recently relocated from another state and took a position in NY state government. People talk a lot about how great the benefits are, but I don’t really see it: there is no maternity leave, I don’t start accruing vacation for several months, no 401k (I’m in a pension program), no flexible spending account for childcare, and the med insurance is more expensive and less coverage than at my old job. Vacation and comp time do roll over, which is amazing, and can be paid out at termination, which can be significant if you work here for 10 years, but in the shorter term (I’m talking 1-5 years), I just don’t see why this is apparently such a good benefits program. I’m especially miffed by the no maternity leave since I am going to need that next year and will only have accrued a few weeks paid by then and so will have to negotiate for unpaid leave, which I can’t afford. I’ve worked in non-profits before this and the benefits were way, way better– more vacation days annually, cheaper medical with more coverage, longer, paid maternity leave. So, what’s the deal? Why do people think this is so great? Is it that people stay in these jobs for decades and over time it’s so good (leave accruals, pension)?

   This is a salary neutral question, since I’m just talking about people’s opinions of the benefits package, but if it matters, my salary is only a negligible amount higher than the nonprofit jobs I came from. It’s also an at-will position, so not technically different job security, though there is still the reputation that it’s impossible to get fired from a state gov job.

   1. Hi! We can talk more offline. People are remembering a time when the benefits were more generous, but the pension is pretty great, especially if you’re Tier 4. Vacation, sick and personal time are good, but it does indeed suck that there’s no maternity leave.

      What I did (I just took an almost 6 month maternity leave) was to bank up time for a few years and then use VWRS to bank hours. Basically the idea is that you work 100% for 70% (0r 80% or whatever) pay and then those extra hours are banked so you can use them to get a paycheck later. Post an anon email if you’d like to discuss it more directly, but really it’s better than you initially realize- you usually start with 2 1/2 weeks vacation plus a week of personal time plus 60 hours of sick time. All that isn’t too shabby.

   2. is it a defined benefit pension? They are so rare and much safer than self funding retirement. My parents retired around 2008 and that made me realize the full value of defined benefit plans vs. being in the market.

      1. I call bulls!t on defined benefit pensions always being safer. I think they definitely USED to be considered the better option, but that really depends on the health of the plan and many companies/states were not as committed as they should have been to ensuring adequate funding. Aren’t the Teamsters dealing with a potential pension plan underfunding issue? I know the city employees in a large town here in MN had a some serious issues with their pension plan.

         I would read up/double check the health of any pension plan I was depending on for my retirement. And then contributed to my own IRA, just in case.

   3. I think the benefits were definitely better, but are still good, with the caveat that they are really only good if you plan to stay a long time, or at least 10 years, which is when your pension vests. Otherwise it’s fine if you like having a reasonable salary with a 9-5 and lots of random paid holidays. You can take pension with you though if you switch agencies and work for any other state entity.
      There is no paid maternity leave but you can take up to a year unpaid, which is not something everyone can afford but is a nice thing in case you need it. So you don’t really need to “negotiate” your time off. They have to give you 12 weeks FMLA, you can take more than that and still be protected by it if your leave falls across two years (e.g., November baby), and you technically can take up to a year regardless. Pension is great, as others have said, esp. if you are planning to be here long term. There is a version of 401K, at least where I am. I think they call it deferred comp. No employer match, but still tax advantaged. The sick time is great, as is the vacation once you start accruing it. You can use 6 weeks of sick time for your FMLA leave. You can use vacation for the rest. Again, not great and would be better if you worked for NYC, which gives 3 months paid maternity/paternity leave, but still. Obviously you also get all the holidays off like Columbus Day, Election Day, etc. November and February are great months because with all the random little holidays no one else gets off you barely have a single 5 day work week.

      The maternity leave thing is frustrating. Especially because Cuomo made a very big deal of signing a mandatory mat leave policy for the whole state that won’t take effect for 5 years, so it would have been nice if he led by example and made it current for all state workers. I was lucky that I had several years under my belt before I had a baby so I was able to use my accrued time to take my leave; I know plenty of people who left big firms to come here because they thought they were getting a better work/life balance and wanted to dial back before having baby, and they were very frustrated to find out that the benefits are what they are w/r/t that. That said, it’s a great place to be once you actually have a kid – the hours tend to be very reasonable, there are plenty of holidays, lots of sick time for all those little colds and doctors appointments, flex time is usually allowed, and it’s hard to beat a pension, whether your realize it or not now. The salary starts off being not much above some non-profits but if you look at the schedule, it does increase very steadily. My salary increased over 50% in the first 6 years. Also: not sure if this state wide or agency specific, but where I am you can take your leave at half pay which may be helpful for purposes of insurance and other benefits like time accrual. Make friends with your HR person and post here if you have any follow up questions.

   4. This sounds amazing to me.

      Everything is relative.

      1. Yeah, my first thought is that the OP is not realizing what she is getting. Getting a pension, lots of vacation and sick time that rolls over year to year and getting paid for your unused vacation time if you leave are all pretty special benefits many people don’t get. OP, it sounds like you want to have a baby right now and so the lack of maternity leave is obviously an issue, but you’re getting a lot of other things your future self will appreciate.

      2. Yes, the other part to remember is that you are probably on the upper end of the salary scale and got good benefits elsewhere. For your average low level office worker/paper pusher, the benefits probably are way better than what they would get in the private sector, and for someone at the bottom of the totem pole like the janitors the benefits are probably much larger in relation to their take-home pay. Also, medical insurance has gone through the roof in the past 5-10 years, so people are probably remembering a few years ago when the insurance was super cheap.

         The other “benefit” that many government employees used to get (that may or may not still exist) is a guaranteed annual increase/COL adjustment. I know that is an issue in our current municipal governments, at least for union employees – they locked in a contract for a 2% annual increase for 5 years, at a time when other industries were having layoffs or hiring in at lower starting salaries. Again, not that 2% annual increase is anything amazing, but it generally benefits the low-to-average employees more that are going to stay in the same position for the next 20-30 years, not the rock stars who would have climb the ladder after promotions or been able to argue for higher raises in private industry.

         And also for “it’s all relative” – perma-temping has become a long term thing in my industry, where you get paid $X an hour with zero benefits (or now only offered a really crappy health insurance plan with no employer contribution) – compared to that, your benefits sound amazing.

   5. You’re unhappy about a pension instead of a 401k? Why?

8. I’m so tired of picking out work clothes every morning, trying to remember what I wore most recently, remembering to drop off/pick up dry cleaning, paying for dry cleaning… It feels like it just takes up so much brain space.

   I’m thinking about just buying a bunch of machine washable MMLaFleur dresses–different colors, of course–and calling it a day. I like their dresses because they’re comfortable and I know that they fit me relatively well. Also, did I mention that I hate dealing with dry cleaning?

   has anyone done something like this? How did it work for you? Did you get bored? Did people notice and/or comment on it?

   1. I would love to do something like this. Are you sure MM LaFleur is up to the task (i.e., would they hold up to frequent washing?) I’m assuming you’d only get a few of them, but if you’re washing every day, I’m not sure if they’d break down quickly. Otherwise, I think it’s a great plan, you can always add tights or a scarf as needed to mix things up, and they’d be good for travel as well.

      1. I have one of their dresses and wash it once or twice a month, and it’s been totally fine. I do the delicates cycle and then line dry it. My goal would be to have 2-3 weeks’ worth of dresses, so I wouldn’t be washing them more than that.

      2. I have two of the same dress (and want a third but made a deal with myself that I have to buy #3 in another style). They are washable, but I don’t wash every wear (just like I don’t dryclean every wear). I air things out and then iron / put away.

         I find that wearing a slip or cami extends the life between cleanings for many things, so I don’t let that go even for washable items.

         But I’m all Team Uniform.

         1. This. Also, I’ve discovered that I can delicate cycle my tropical wool suiting dresses and skirts (not the blazers) every 3-5 wears and I’m also very happy.

            The steamer is awesome. I dry clean my coats/blazers so I only go to the dry cleaners 2-4 times a year.

   2. I didn’t do exactly this (because I work in a business formal office, so I need suits, not dresses), but I did dramatically pare down my wardrobe to really basic pieces that I mostly wear on repeat. Mostly no one has noticed (people really aren’t paying much attention to what you wear in most workplaces, unless it’s obviously out of step with workplace norms in some way), and the one or two people who have “noticed” have mostly been people commenting on the fact that I “always look so put-together.”

      I do occasionally get bored – when that happens I usually just trash my oldest shirts/cardigans and replace them, or I buy a new scarf or necklace or earrings.

      1. I did something similar – pared my closet down and purchase new items on a limited color palette. Someone told me that I am a “sharp dresser,” which makes me laugh because 75% of the time I am wearing a gray cardigan and black pants.

   3. You’d be better off working out three- four weeks of work clothes (maybe 18 outfits?). Make a list to put on your closet door and just wear them sequentially. You could have couple different necklace/belt/scarf options for some of the outfits to add variety.

      1. That seems really excessive to me. I’ve never had that many work clothes! At this point I am doing a modified work uniform, but even when I was more into clothes — do people really have space/money for three to four weeks worth of work outfits? I thought I was doing great when I had 10.

         1. Yeah I don’t have nearly enough pieces to create 18 outfits at once…I mix and match and re-wear pieces and maybe have 10?

         2. 10 is totally fine but I would get bored with that so I do more. In case it wasn’t clear, I repeat some of the items. So navy ankle pants or black dress might be worn 2-3 time in the cycle with different blouses/jackets/shoes.

         3. Outfit Posts is a great blog and she does a lot of capsule wardrobes. Not sure if it is nice enough for where you work.

   4. I work with a woman who has about 10 very classic tailored outfits. Every single thing she wears looks like it is amazing quality in perfect shape. So, yes, I personally notice, but there is no negative judgement, only envy.

   5. Not exactly, but I have about 8 machine-washable dresses, 4 cardigans (tan, black, a flattering-on-me purple, and light gray), one pair of ankle slacks and a few tops I wear on repeat. I keep a few earrings and statement necklaces in the glove box of my car for it I feel like I need something (I almost always work out after work so I take it off before I go in to the gym) – I always look pulled together but I don’t have time to pretend the office is sorority rush. This also flies in my office, though – a friend of mine/old roommate is a consultant and she used to say going to her corporate office on Fridays felt like a fashion show.

      Nobody has ever commented on it. If I get bored, there’s no rule keeping me from changing it up one day!

      And I just commiserate on how dry cleaning is such a bear. Part of the reason I switch. I have a euro W-D so I wash everything on delicate and hang to dry in the closet doorway. I have a steamer if anything needs a touchup.

   6. I have about 12 dresses (8 all season, and 2 summer, 2 winter – mostly with sleeves) that I rotate through. They are all machine-washable and hang dry. Put on dress, put on tights, put on shoes and I’m good to go. I shop less (am never looking for the perfect blouse to go with a skirt) and find that it really minimises the amount of decisions I have to make.

   7. I just do a capsule wardrobe–my “uniform” is black pants (sometimes ankle pants, sometimes standard trouser), silk shell, cardigan, long necklace. I have 3 pairs of black pants.

      When I’m feeling crazy, I throw on a black wrap dress.

      Oddly enough, I get compliments on my clothes all the time.

      1. Lately I’ve felt frumpy when wearing trouser pants so I’ve pretty much switched to ankle pants. Anyone else feel like this? Maybe I just don’t have the right tops.

         1. ME. I used to be firmly in no ankle pants camp, but shirts seem more voluminous right now. Tops I’ve purchased recently just look off with pants that I used to love. So I have two pairs on the way I ordered over the weekend and we’ll see how that goes.

         2. I can only do trousers if my tops are very fitted/structured–so I use my sweater/cardigans rathe rthan a plain cardi

      2. I love this.

   8. Can you use Dryel or other “dry cleaning” options that work with the use of a dryer to reduce trips to the dry cleaners?

   9. Not to your level, but I have a tendency to batch buy the same item (for instance, I desperately needed new work clothes for a business trip postpartum when nothing else fit, so I bought 4 different colors of the same pants and 3 of one shirt and 3 of another), and for a while it feels good to have a uniform but once that starts to feel off, it can really multiply the “staring at a full closet but feeling like I have nothing to wear” aspect.

      The other problem is that they all tend to either get worn out or dated at the same time, which means you need to replace them all at the same time. So if you do go that route, I would instead encourage you to work a couple dresses in your rotation now, and then plan to buy 1-2 more every so often.

      That said, I totally don’t take my own advice – I work in a “jeans and t-shirts are ok most days, men wear khakis and polos to dress up” casual environment, and I just found a basic shirt I like at Target and bought it in 4 colors, then went back and bought 3 more when they were on a bigger clearance. Which means I’ll be good for this year, but probably hating them next summer.

   10. Paring down my wardrobe to only things I love and always choosing my clothes the night before has made my mornings so much easier. I’m not sure why choosing clothing can take up so much headspace, but it’s somehow easier when I don’t have to do it in the morning.

9. Thank you all so much for your advice on second interviews a few weeks ago–I got the job!!

   In looking over the benefits package, I noticed that there is a 90-day waiting period before I’ll be eligible to take vacation. The Jewish high holidays will fall within this, unfortunately. There are three days (two at Rosh Hashana and one at Yom Kippur) that I would strongly prefer to take off. I’m not orthodox, so don’t need any other accommodations (and will be able to use vacation time for future religious holidays), but this is very important to me. Have any of you negotiated a religious accommodation like this before? Or been on the receiving end of a well-done request? Any tips would be so helpful! I’m happy to handle this with comp time, swapping one day for Columbus Day, etc.

   1. So with the caveat that I have no experience with this personally and I’m not in HR, I don’t think a religious holiday (of any faith) is a “vacation”. Regardless of whether or not you need to take an actual vacation day in order to observe it. If they don’t want to accommodate this, you don’t’ want to work there.

   2. I know people do this for “regular” vacations all the time (i.e., having a weeklong trip booked a few months out, then changing jobs in between), so asking about days off for religious holidays is extra-normal.

      I think you have a good start just the way you wrote it out here — before you formally accept, first ask your HR/onboarding contact about accommodating the holidays during this period. They may refer you to your manager-to-be for input.

      1. I started a new job a few months before my wedding an honeymoon. I was taking a week for each (not getting married in the state in which I lived at the time) but wouldn’t have enough vacation time accrued. I negotiated at the time I started to just take the days unpaid. I used whatever time I had accrued and the rest was not paid. It was NYS government, so there wasn’t a lot of flexibility on actually getting paid, but it was very easy to get the time off.

         1. Same. I started a new job 4 weeks before I was taking a 2 week vacation. They didn’t want to push my start date until after I was back, so I came on board, took my like 1 day of accumulated leave and LWOP, and made it through. (this is a gov job, they would have advanced me the leave but I didn’t want to start in the hole) Not a big deal at all, I brought it up at the initial offer stage and sent a reminder “if you want this for your calendar!” at the final offer stage.

   3. It’s very normal for workplaces to have some kind of policy around time off for religious observance, so I’d approach this pretty matter-of-factly – I’d approach the person doing the hiring and ask something along the lines of “I noticed my vacation doesn’t kick in until X, but I’m Jewish and will need a few days off during the waiting period to observe Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur – what’s the office policy around taking time off for religious observance?”

   4. I’d be very surprised if your job is not able to accommodate this. I’d handle it the way you’d handle any other vacation/time commitment, but make clear that it is religious — negotiate after you receive the offer and explain why you need the time.
      It is also highly likely that there is some system in place (e.g., floating holidays/etc.) that could be used for this purpose, so I really would not stress about it.

   5. It’s a reasonable request and as a manager, I’d want to know up front about it but certainly accommodate you. Probably unpaid but maybe not depending on your company.

      Just ask once you have an offer but before accepting. Ask hr, but make sure you also ask the hiring manager directly or confirm with the HM if HR says the HM ok’d it

      1. Yes, I would ask HR or whoever your contact is now, but if your new manager isn’t part of the conversation you need to discuss with them too – don’t assume HR told them (or even if they did, that the manager remembers it). Since we are talking about 3 days many months from now, it probably won’t be an issue – in the past at my company you probably would have been offered the chance to just take an advance on your PTO rather than an unpaid day.

         Also, when you make the ask, include the actual calendar dates of the holidays – because many people rely on Outlook, etc for their calendars, and unfortunately Jewish Holidays aren’t included in the default “US Holidays” calendar.

   6. This is a religious accommodation that your job must provide to you, absent undue hardship. That said, be gracious about it. You can present it either of 2 ways: (1) “Manager/HR, I am delighted to accept this job, with the caveat that I will be out on days X, Y, and Z.” they say that’s okay, and everyone is fine. (2) “Manager/HR, I am delighted to accept this job, but need a religious accommodation to be out of the office for holidays that fall on days X, Y, and Z.” they say that’s okay, and everyone is fine. As others said, those days may be unpaid.

      1. *a religious accommodation that your job must provide to you if you are in the US.

         1. Yup, this is an EEO issue, you have federal legal protections. You may not be able to get PTO, but they have to give you time off, perhaps unpaid if you are not yet eligible for vacation.

   7. I have negotiated regular vacations at two of my jobs. I think it’s fairly standard.

   8. Don’t get into the details of your personal religious preferences, what’s important to you, etc. with your employer. Just tell them when you are working out your start date, “By the way, I wanted to let you know that I will need to be out on [dates] for the high holidays. I know those dates fall within the 90-day waiting period to take vacation time, so please let me know how you usually handle situations like this.” If you are up-front and matter-of-fact, no one should bat an eye. If you go in sounding like you are negotiating, it can become a much bigger deal than it really is. Just act as if you assume it’s come up before and they already have a perfectly reasonable solution in place.

   9. Update! Thanks for reminding me that this is such a normal, ok request. I kept it simple and all went perfectly well.

10. I adopted a very sweet dog two years ago while living in a great, near luxury apartment that was incredibly dog friendly. I’m now in a position where I have to downsize my life massively and also my current dog-loving roommate is moving out so I’m hunting for pet-friendly shared housing situations or very cheap studios near public transport. I’m having no luck after a month and half of hunting and it’s looking like I may not be able to keep my dog. I’m so upset with myself and how irresponsible it feels (and I’m sure some will say it is, I don’t know that I can argue)

    I’m more or less sure that my parents out of state will be able to take him in if absolutely necessary but I have no guarantee that in a year from now I’ll be in a position to take him back, which would obviously be the plan. I’m afraid sending him to my parents is just delaying the inevitable.

    I’m fully prepared to get ripped to shreds over this but I had to get it out because I feel incredibly guilty and heartbroken

    1. Send him to live with your parents if you have to but spend the next year scouring the city for accommodation so he can come back to you. You may have to give up on other amenities to make it work – longer walk to train station etc but that’s the price of pet ownership.

    2. I won’t hate on you about the having to give up your dog but will offer some advice on having your parents take the dog for a year or so. I got a dog when I was younger and on my own, all was great and then biglaw summer and first year happened and…yeah…I had to ask my parents to take my dog. They did, very happily, but when I moved in with my fiancé and we felt like life had settled enough that it was fair to get him back, it definitely caused some tension with my family. Luckily, we’re super close and its been ok, but they were heartbroken to give him up (despite what we said, I think they really felt we would never take him back) and additionally, there was certainly some strife about training/bad habits they instilled in him. Just make sure if its your parents who take the dog, that you discuss things first, especially training, diet, habits, and timing.

       1. Thank you for mentioning this, it’s a great point to consider. My parents have taken care of him before and adore him but in discussing the possibility with them they were very clear that they don’t want this to be a permanent solution. Of course, my dog is so awesome (#dogmom?!) they might reconsider but I don’t believe it will be an issue

    3. Life is unpredictable. I would total move your pup in with your parents, and keep re-assessing.

    4. Without knowing your preferred location, budget, or dog size, there are some apartment buildings near Waterfront that have studio apartments and are pet-friendly. I used to live in Capitol Park Plaza and while it has its issues like any other apartment building, it was pet-friendly, only a 5 min walk to Waterfront metro, and well-priced.

       1. I have no preferred location at this point, I would just like to be within 15-20 minutes walking distance of a metro station. That and the dog friendly part are the only real needs I have and I’m already saving up for a car so I can work on moving out further next year if need be in order to keep (or get back from my parents) my dog.

          I’ll definitely check out the Capitol Park Plaza and am open to any similarly priced suggestions if you know of any!

       2. Agree about not knowing your specifics, but The Cambridge near Logan Circle is super central, low priced for the area, and allows dogs.

          1. Ah, didn’t see your price range below before I posted. This is likely higher priced than you’re looking (but still low for the area).

    5. In a year from now, I’ll be your roommate if you want to live in a reasonably-priced place near public transportation and have an awesome dog. (not kidding – I live on Columbia Pike in a studio right now with a lease through next July, was planning to buy at the end of that but not looking likely.)

       But, where on transit do you want to be? In DC, or MD/VA? What is a “cheap” studio to you?

       1. I’d love to be in DC but beggars can’t be choosers so I have no actual preferred location at this point, I would just like to be within 15-20 minutes walking distance of a metro station. Cheap would be in the $1000-1200 range before utilities, which is silly in this city and it’s become even clearer now!

          Will have to post about this again once your lease is up in July if the situation hasn’t improved though

          1. I saw studios in the small-ish apartment buildings in Del Ray Alexandria for about that price last time I was looking – no idea about pet friendliness/overall quality but it might be an option at least.

             1. Del Ray is overall pretty pet friendly but most of it is not metro accessible (until you get down towards braddock)

          2. Not sure if you’re still checking, but does your dog get along with other pets? I’m having the same issue and am looking for an apartment in DC or NoVA!

    6. Just ask your parents. This really isn’t that bad of a thing. If they’re down to provide a loving home, awesome. I wouldn’t, however, take the dog back if they want to keep it.

       1. Sweet and low-key as he is, I don’t think they would want to keep him but thanks for mentioning it. At the end of the day, I just want a good situation for him and their backyard beats any DC dog park so it’s something I would discuss thoroughly with them

    7. I don’t think sending him to your parents, temporarily or not, is a horrible thing. Life happens. You’re not giving him up to a shelter or leaving him on the street. You are trying to keep him, you are trying to find housing that will accommodate him, but sometimes that doesn’t work. What are you supposed to do? Go back in time? I generally judge people pretty harshly for being irresponsible with animals and you don’t strike me as irresponsible.
       That said, can you find a new roommate for your dog-friendly apartment? I feel like it is easier to find a roommate to move in with you when you have a dog instead of finding a share situation to move into with your dog.

    8. To me, my dog is my baby and leaving her is the same as leaving a child in my mind. I would be homeless on the street before I’d let her go. But not everyone feels that way, and I’m not arrogant enough to say that my way of thinking is the only way.

       I’m one of the biggest animal advocates and get outraged at owners that ditch their pets, but there is the fact the life happens.

       You’re not being an irresponsible owner. Irresponsible owners drop their dogs off at the closest shelters at the slightest change…you are trying to do what’s best for your pet and considering your options. You’re doing the best you can, and no, you shouldn’t be ripped apart.

       A few things to consider:
       -Will your parents be able to take him for a year while you look for an appropriate place/get life together?
       -Are there options further away from public transportation? It may mean a longer walk, but you’ll get your pet and may find cheaper housing.
       -Have you talked to private landlords? I’ve been able to talk non-pet-friendly places into allowing my dog because she’s well-behaved and well trained. I sometimes had to put a slightly larger deposit, but it was infinitely cheaper than other options.
       -Can you board him? Would a friend be willing to look after him for a fee? Or, could you afford long-term boarding until you find something? A friend of mine going through a messy divorce did that for 2 months while she looked for a place she could afford.
       -Start vetting local shelters/rescue organizations: All shelters/rescue are not created equal. Some are wonderful and your pet will have a good life, others are awful. Start looking for a rescue where he’ll be placed in a foster home, rather than a large shelter with hundreds of dogs in crates. He’ll have a better life, and a better chance of finding a good permanent home.

       1. Girl. If you don’t want to seem arrogant leave out the condescension and judgment. It’s nice you would rather be homeless with your dog than live in a home and have your dog live with your parents. I appreciate your disclaimer, but including that at all is unnecessary. Show some compassion that sometimes accidents happen with life and pets and hearing how other people view you as abandoning a child is not helpful.

          1. And if you had gotten to paragraph 3, you would have realized it was a frame up to say “I’m the biggest pet parent in the world and even I don’t think you are doing anything wrong”.

             1. No I read that. I just think it’s absurd to receive compassion when things go wrong in your life despite your best efforts and then turn around and frame your advice as “well I’d never be able to do this and sleep at night but I guess you could be worse so here is some advice.”

             2. There was no condescension. Obviously the OP is in a bad place and is trying to find her options.

                I meant that not everyone is a crazy dog lady like me and what I would do is clearly insane for everyone else, and she needs to take care of herself and her pup as best she can with the options she has.

          2. agreed. dogs are not children. i know we’ve somehow reached the point in this country where we baby our pets as being equivalent to literal babies but that is not the case for everyone. i grew up with 2 working dogs on a farm who were treated well but slept in the heated barn and not in our house. they were just fine. schtuff happens and it sucks to have to give up your dog, but it’s better to give it to your parents where it will have a stable home than to wait until you are out in the street. ridiculous comparison.

             1. It’s not ridiculous if your pets are a priority. I would literally live on the street before sending my girl off to a shelter or whatever.

                Not everyone views pets in the same light I do, I get it, but I do. Judge away that my priorities are in the wrong spot, but there’s plenty like me.

             2. KT. Stop. Do you listen to yourself? There is a way to have your pets be your priority and still need to give them away. Again, you got compassion when you needed it, so for the love of PETA just dial down the holier than thou asides.

             3. My guess is that KT has never faced a decision that would actually “literally” leave her living on the street. Oh, the hyperbole!

             4. What on earth is your deal? You follow me from thread to thread to bash me, but refuse to be anything but anonymous. Kind of hard to take that seriously.

                Do you have anything constructive to add? Any advice for the OP? I listed as many options as I could think of, where you just seem determined to call me arrogant and holier than thou.

             5. Actually, I have. I came from extreme poverty and was literally living on the streets more than once. I slept under a tree and everything I owned fit in a backpack from the Salvation Army. That period lasted for mercifully, just a few months.

             6. If a pet were a child and I were going to live on the street rather than send my child to foster care / a relative, I’d probably be crazy to the point of losing custody period. I’ve heard stories of people turning down shelter / placement b/c a pet can’t come with them (e.g., older people with some reduction in faculties who cannot live by themselves (fire in kitchen renders house inhabitable, person + animal sleep in car, etc)).

          3. Also, even if pets were like children… I’d send my child to live with my (wonderful) parents if I were facing a scenario where I’d be living on the street. If my kid can live with loving grandparents instead of being homeless, why wouldn’t I choose that?

       2. Ya giving up your dog for a year to a loving home is not abandoning your child. That’s just ridiculous. It sounds like you’ve made a well-reasoned, responsible decision that takes into account your best interests as well as the interests of your pet (which is an animal, not a child).

       3. – My parents would be able to take him, it’s something I floated at the beginning of my search and they agreed it would be an option but made it very clear it should be my absolute last resort and it’d be a temporary solution (so, yeah maybe a year tops)
          – I’ve looked as far as 1 mile/15-20 mins walking distance from public transportation so I’m trying not to be picky about the commute
          – I haven’t spoken to private landlords, suggestions on how to find/approach these?
          – I don’t think boarding is an option since my parents would definitely take him in if it was only going to be a month or so; I’ve considered subletting something for the first month after my current lease so I can keep searching
          – The dog is a rescue and I’d likely return him to the same rescue org (may even be in the terms of the adoption contract) and also because I vetted the rescue before I got him. I’ve reached out to them to see if they have a list of pet-friendly buildings/housing from previous experiences but no luck so far

          Thank you for the food for thought, it’s greatly appreciated. I consider my silly old dog my closest friend so it feels awful thinking I’ll have to be away from him, even temporarily

          1. When I would reach out to non-dog friendly places, I would say I understand you have a no pet policy, but I do have a well-trained dog (I’d outline where I went for training), housebroken, not destructive, and I have a dogwalker/come home during lunch. I’d be willing to pay a monthly premium (I usually offered an extra $50 a month) for the additional wear and tear another occupant would present. Would an in-person meeting with my dog help at all? (Attach heart-warming photo).

             I’ve done this 4 or 5 times and every time I’ve been able to talk them into it and never had a problem afterwards.

          2. If you haven’t spoken to private landlords, does that mean you haven’t craigslisted? I found both my (dog friendly, although I don’t have a dog) via craigslist and I think there were a lot of places that were dog-friendly. Check the sublet/shared threads on craigslist. Given your budget, a studio is basically impossible, but I found several large bedrooms/private baths on capitol hill in your range. Good luck!

    9. It’s a DOG. What’s the big deal?? Drop it off at a shelter or open the door and let it run off. I wouldn’t get a more expensive apartment or one that’s further from public transport in order to accommodate an animal.

       1. Did you post this just to contrast what a horrible person would do to make it clear that the OP isn’t a horrible person? Because if so, well-done!

    10. It’s a dog. I’d get rid of it with no second thoughts. You have to look out for yourself and your finances, not an animal.

        1. If that is your attitude, Anon (10:51), please do not ever get a pet.

           1. Pretty sure it’s a troll.

    11. Constructive advice: if you haven’t already, put out your own posting for this (the List of Craig has a section for this). You may find people who wouldn’t put “dog friendly” in their own ads, but have a living situation that can accommodate a canine.

    12. You can get him certified as an Emotional Support Animal for about $100 (or maybe for free if you already have a therapist who can write the letter) and then apartments that don’t allow pets have to accept him.

        1. That’s really… low, and inappropriate.

           You should like the picky person who tells restaurants that they are allergic to salt, and make eating out difficult for all persons who have true allergies.

        2. That’s not shady and underhanded at all.

        3. Despicable.

        4. Also not true. This only applies to airlines, not hotels or apartment buildings. They have to be true service animals for those.

           1. Nope. I have both personal and third hand experience with this and there are two separate places that are required by law to accept ESAs – airlines and housing. Each requires a separate letter, so a letter for flying is different than a letter for housing. You are correct that ESAs are not service animals and restaurants and hotels do not have to take them, but landlords do if you have a therapist explain that your animal helps with anxiety or depression. I and many friends have lived with ESAs in no pets housing.

    13. Do you have an email address? Or email Wildkitten r 3 t t 3 at the mail of G. I have an idea.

        1. I’ll take all ideas, emailed!

    14. Only jerks will pick on you about the dog. They are spoiled.

    15. There are a ton of rooms/ house shares available on Craigslist- you can sort by dog friendly . You can maybe find an English basement studio for that you just need to look a bit harder. I’m sure you can find a place- I will help you look! I second the suggestion to put a detailed listing on housing wanted section too, you will have to weed through some spam but will get some good ones

    16. Hi there! Not sure if you are still reading, but I feel for you! I just remembered the website Exposed Brick DC, which is a list of cute apartment listings in DC. That might be a good way to find private landlords. Like KT, I have also had friends who have managed to convince private landlords to allow dogs, even where they previously had no intention to. I think they played up how well trained and exercised the dog was. I also think they met the landlord, checked out the place, made an awesome impression, and then brought up the dog thing. But I am not sure.

        I also think making your own craiglist ad is a great idea. I know there are tons of young busy people in DC who would LOVE to live with a dog for whom they did not have primary caretaking responsibility. Or even post on FB, tell your friends, get the word out!

        Finally, I live in Adams Morgan and it is a suuuuper dog friendly neighborhood! I have tons of friends with dogs in apartment buildings here. I can’t recommend any buildings in particular but its definitely worth a google search if not an in-person visit to collect names and ask questions. Some of the older, less fancy buildings might have studios in your price range.

        Good luck!!

11. Any tips on how to come out of a first date really knowing how you feel about a person?

    I’ve been going on a lot (my first time online dating), usually doing drinks or dinner. I feel like my strategy, such as it is, is to just try to keep up a conversation for the time we’re together, on whatever topics flow. Generally end up feeling pretty neutral afterward, like I made small talk with a stranger for a couple hours and it was fine but not noteworthy. I’m guessing it might just be true that most potential matches are a little shrugworthy and that the good ones won’t be…but I’m also wondering if anyone has tips about how to get a better sense of who a person is and whether they will be a potential fit for you.

    1. Several friends have told me that if they didn’t offend you/you clearly weren’t attracted to them (the date was at least average) to at least go on the second date and see where it leads.

       Online dating is rough. I feel you.

       1. This, people tend to open up over the course of a couple (or three) dates. You learn a little more about hobbies/outstanding habits in public/possible chemistry.

          I also suggest doing different things for those two/three dates.

          Funny story: one guy on date 3 decided that a certain day/time was “his” and was all upset that I was busy. Yeah, that was the end of that.

    2. Go out a second time. You’re probably not going to get to know someone very well in a few hours.

       1. +1. When I was online dating, I framed first dates as a screen for normalcy and the ability to keep up a reasonably entertaining conversation for 1-2 hours. If they passed that bar I would be open to a second date. Unless there are some howlers or otherwise obvious deal breakers, first dates are unlikely to give you a clear sense of how you feel about a person. Because you don’t know them as a person yet.

          1. First date for me is “Is he a d**k? Is he crazy? Did I somehow end up going on a date with a guy that thinks Hitler had some good ideas? (True story). Is he talking badly about homeless people while living on his brother’s couch? Does he call my clients disgusting? Does he ask if I’m lesbian becuase I have short hair and a Subaru (note: I LIVE IN SEATTLE). Does he try to feel me up? Does he not take cues like me moving away when he immediately tries to hug me?”
             If all of these are nos, and I don’t want to fake sick by halfway through (which I’ve definitely done, homeless bro) and I didn’t decide to go all out and start arguing with him (Hitler bro), maybe there’s a second date.

    3. I usually give the guy a second date if I enjoyed the date (even if not noteworthy). It’s hard to really get to know someone in a couple hours, and I tend to like people more after getting to know their personalities better. I’m not a love at first sight kind of person, and in my opinion, the guys I’ve gone on dates with get more/less attractive based on their personalities. If there’s no spark after a second date, then I move on.

    4. Give it three dates. While I do know people who have literally looked at a person and thought, “This is the one,” almost everyone takes a bit longer to figure it out.

       I also think you will enjoy first dates more if your goal is to figure out if he merits a second date, rather than if he merits a year-long relationship.

       1. I think this is great advice. Lovely Fiance and I dated for quite a while (way more than three dates, certainly) before I started to think he might be The One…

    5. If I didn’t want to run away screaming after 10 minutes, I give it a second date.

12. A job was posted this week that looks amazing! However, it’s 4.5 hours away on the train. My husband’s job is in country A, we have flat/mortgage/pets/friends, country B is expensive, I don’t see a long-term future in country B. The organisation’s HQ is based in country A and the people I would be working with split their time between country A (home base) and country B – think US senators spending time in Congress and in their home state.

    Can I apply and if I get an offer, ask for some flexibility to work out of headquarters in country B part-time? Not sure I could do a full-time long-distance marriage but the job would be an exciting opportunity.

    1. Knock yourself out. I can’t fathom a job in a different country and don’t know why they wouldn’t want someone there full time. Unless you would take it full time in the office for which it was posted I think you are wasting their time and making a poor impression.

       1. That makes sense, it’s not quite crossing international borders (think Montreal and Toronto rather than San Francisco and Mexico City) but can definitely appreciate that viewpoint. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and I would likely move if the job was perfect but would need to think about the marital/financial implications pretty carefully.

          The job description is vague on the details (whether it is permanent or temporary contract, terms of work) so may do some snooping with friends who work for the local HQ.

          1. Edinburgh –> London?

             How frequently would you be able to come home (or him to visit you)?

             How inexpensively (hahahahaha) could you live in London? Would you share a place to save money?

             Is it a long-term position, or a contract (1 year, 2 years, etc)?

             What does he think?

             1. Yep…

                I guess every two weeks? Maybe try and wrangle working out of local HQ on Fridays and get the sleeper on Thursday pm when the bigwigs head to their home bases?

                Could manage shared accommodation easily, I moved in with my husband after two years in student halls so I’m used to it. In laws live in London so scope for meeting at theirs when they are travelling.

                Unclear on the contract, things are moving so rapidly on the political front that who knows what will happen over the next six months or so.

    2. Based on your vocab and geography… do you live in Edinburgh but the posting is for London?

       Assuming I’m reading you correctly, (1) you live in Edinburgh (where the local HQ is) and want to continue living there, (2) the job posting is for full time in London (where the other HQ is, perhaps more international HQ?), but (3) many people who work for Edinburgh HQ split their time and you want to do the same thing?

       I think a little nosing with your acquaintances prior to applying is a good idea — you don’t want to get all the way through the application process and have everyone feel their time was wasted.

       1. Gah, I miss the edit button — my #3 above was supposed to say many people who work for *London* HQ split their time…

       2. In my organisation there are many people who weekly commute 3 or 4 days to London from Edinburgh and work either from home or local offices the remaining days. Could you commit to 6 months of full time at the country B office and then adjusting to fit?

          If it’s a long term set up you can also think about the set up of your home life to make it easier – moving closer to Waverley station or to the airport, for instance (if Edinburgh is what we’re talking about – personally I’d want to be somewhere between Haymarket and Murrayfield so you have access to both). My father weekly commutes to mainland Europe by air and so the fact that my parents live 25 minutes from LHR airport makes their lives a lot easier than they would be otherwise.

          1. Gosh, my efforts to be discreet failed. Yep, Edinburgh London commute.

             1. Totally doable. The more you do it the easier it gets, whether due to eventual lounge access at airports if you fly (or simply if you get a bank account or credit card with that perk) or the fact that you get to know the train staff. Personally I prefer going by train where possible but I know people are split on that.

13. I have about 4 button-up shirts. One is fancy (french cuffs for cuff links) and the rest are basic (white, pink, light blue). I put them in a guest room closet and they have sat there for two seasons. I could just donate, but it feels wrong to work in a formal office environment and not have some. I tend to wear blouses / skirts or dresses. Ironing button-ups is such a chore (or they are waiting to go to the cleaner / waiting to be picked up), so I think that’s why I am reluctant to wear.

    Has anyone in a business (we say casual, but are at the formal end of the spectrum) work environment given up button-ups entirely?

    1. I have! I am busty and they never look good on me, plus I never iron so they used to just sit there, too. We’re solidly business casual, though, and many women don’t seem to wear them much.

    2. For a long time, I felt like I needed button-up shirts to have an appropriate business wardrobe (we’re business professional light, I’d say). First cotton or non-iron and then silk. I’ve eventually come the conclusion that it’s ok to give up the dream. They are a pain in the butt to prepare to wear (ironing, steaming, cleaning, etc.) and they’re a pain in the butt to actually wear – wrinkling, gaping, etc.

       Now I buy poly blouses (not button up) that only need hang dry and a quick steam to look great (all day), blazers that fully close (so not need for a visible blouse), dresses and the very very occasional silk shirt for if I feel I want to look particularly luxe.

       1. Interesting… where do you find blazers that fully close?? That sounds awesome.

          1. Ann Taylor is a good source, if you don’t mind verging slightly on a ladies who lunch look. I don’t see any actual suits with a blazer that style right now, but a couple examples to come so I don’t go into moderation. I have separate jackets and jackets that came as part of a suit that all fully close.

             1. I would wear this with a black pencil skirt:
                http://www.anntaylor.com/petite-tweed-zip-jacket/400734?skuId=20387969&defaultColor=6600&colorExplode=false&catid=cata000032

                Imagine this in black (NOT baby pink):

                http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/tahari-asl-peplum-zip-front-skirt-suit?ID=2708772&LinkshareID=UBAokkJVcos-oOHTab1jrchouo0xdBqyjA&PartnerID=LINKSHARECA&cm_mmc=LINKSHARECA-_–_–_-+

                Or something like this:

                http://www.neimanmarcus.com/en-ca/Albert-Nipon-Tweed-Suit/prod185370389/p.prod?ecid=NMAF__J84DHJLQkR4&CS_003=5630585

             2. Awesome, thanks!!

    3. I got a hanger at Bed Bath and Beyond that basically holds 4 or 5 shirts all on one hanger. I was in a similar position and mostly never wore mine. But now I am nursing and pumping at work and wear them tons, very happily, because it makes it easier to pump at work and the more formal aspect of them helps me feel put together even when I am exhausted. So keeping them worked out for me. Maybe try wearing yours and see how you feel?

    4. My mom always bought me button ups when I was an intern because that’s what professional people wore, but they would rot in my closet.

       They look ridiculous on me; if they fit in the bust and arms, they’re way too big at the waist, or they gape, or they wrinkle if I breathe too hard. They constantly need to be starched and ironed and just aren’t flattering on me, so I tossed them out.

       silk shells and blazers for the win!

    5. I have had this exact thought process. I am in a business casual/sometimes business formal office, and I felt obligated to have button-ups for years. Finally realized I never, ever wore them, and I got rid of them two or three years ago. I have never missed them. I don’t think you will, either.

    6. Me! I haven’t worn a button-up shirt in YEARS – not when I was at a large-ish law firm that wanted to be a national firm, not in state government that was the formal side of biz casual, and not now in a business casual office where the management level men often wear button-down shirts. I have never found one that fits me properly, most of them gape at the chest, all of the white ones that are remotely affordable for me are see-through, and then come out of my skirt/pants and have to be readjusted when sitting down/getting up. No thanks!

    7. Yup, I got rid of all of mine last year. Mine were never long enough to completely tuck in so I was always messing with them during the day. And, like you said, a pain to iron! I haven’t missed them at all.

    8. Nope, for all the reasons cited above. I practice law in Canada so have to wear a white, wing-collar shirt under my robes and it is just the worst part of my day when I have to get it out.

    9. Gave them up years ago and have never looked back. If you need something conservative under a suit, a cream silk shell works just as well. Donate those button downs if they aren’t working for you.

    10. I’m in a “business” environment, and I entirely stopped wearing button-downs a couple years ago when I realized that they made me look frumpy instead of polished. My work uniform is now a knit shell or silk-feeling polyester top under a blazer. I wear suits for big meetings and slacks/blazer for more casual days. When it’s really hot out, I wear dresses with sleeves and then throw a blazer over top when I get to work. I get way more compliments on my clothes now than when I wore a button-down every day…

    11. I frequently wear business formal and have not worn a button-down in more than a decade. To me, they look frumpy and dated. Even when they were more in fashion, I always felt rumply and messy in one. Now I wear a sheath dress with sleeves, a sheath dress with a blazer, or a skirt suit with a silky top.

    12. Mine are gone! I didn’t like preparing or wearing them, and felt uncomfortable, and to my mind it is far easier to look professional in something that fits well and requires no thought. For me, in a suit-office that was a dress with a matching blazer, and now in a more casual office it’s dresses. I think it has come up once in the past few years, because I was asked to wear a company shirt to something — so the shirt was provided.

    13. I don’t do button ups. I’m on the larger side and extremely sensitive to looking frumpy/ badly put together and I just always feel untidy and crumpled when wearing one.

    14. I am a tiny pear. I can understand why more-endowed ladies might hate them. I hate them b/c they make me look like a 5th grade boy who has enormous hips.

        I think I only keep a white one b/c I think I can pull off the wearing only a barely buttoned shirt as emergency sleepwear (and TBH, I think that I should be wearing *his* shirt, not mine, in that case).

14. Hi – I’m on a quest right now to take care of the first signs of aging. I’ve come across Ole Henriksen’s products (specifically the 3 wonders set) and am thinking about using it. Has anyone tried it? Thanks!

    1. CapHillStyle raves about them. Beautypedia is meh.

    2. I like the Ole Henriksen lemon strip flash peel and think my face skin looks a little brighter after using it. I haven’t tried their daily treatments.

    3. I bought the travel set that has 5 products in it from Sephora. With the disclaimer that my skin is not bad to begin with, I can’t figure out if it’s making a difference or not. I think my skin looks better, but it’s not so much better that I would rave about the products like Belle does. It did get me into a daily/nightly routine, which is good as I wasn’t previously putting anything on my face before bed. I haven’t yet decided whether I will buy more of it when the set that I have runs out.

    4. Ole Henriksen Pure Perfection cream is the best one in the line. It’s effectively a glycolic acid (chemical exfoliant) night cream. Works great on my very dry skin. I stopped using a couple years ago though and switched over to Paula’s Choice AHA night cream which works just as well and is about half the price. I’d highly recommend trying Paula’s Choice products. The quality is great, the website is good at helping you pick the products that will likely work best on your skin type, and the pricing is much better than anything you’ll find at Sephora because they’re web-based and don’t have all the marketing/branding costs.

    5. I met a guy who was a chemist who used to work for one of the major cosmetic companies and he said all creams are basically the same and you should just buy the drugstore brand.

       1. Haha; my sister is a dermatologist and she said the same thing. Her only recs: 1. sunscreen and reduce sun exposure 2. retinol, the prescription stuff 3. preventative botox if you’re prone to certain wrinkles.

          Given that, I will spend money on the spf stuff that I enjoy and will thus actually use, and the moisturizer I enjoy and will actually use.

       2. Same. I use relatively cheap anti-aging products and I’m religious about sunscreen even in the winter.

    6. For context, I’m 30 so I’m dealing with early signs of aging like uneven skin tone/texture and fine lines, as well as occasional breakouts (yay). I tried the 3 Little Wonders set for the last 2 weeks and have been really impressed with the improvement in my skin texture and breakouts specifically so I plan to buy another set and keep using it, but can’t say I’ve noticed any improvement in fine lines.

    7. I’m dealing with some similar skin issues and just discovered Paula’s choice products. This is wonderful: http://www.paulaschoice.com/shop/skin-care-categories/aha-and-bha-exfoliants/_/Calm-Redness-Relief-One-Percent-BHA-Lotion-Exfoliant As is the Skin Recovery toner (and I’ve NEVER bothered with toner before), and Skin Recovery Hydrating Tx Mask.

    8. I recommend Obagi products. They’re prescription, but they have really made a visible improvement in my skin with respect to discoloration, texture, fine lines, and sun spots. I’ve bought a lot of skin care products and these are the first that have made a visible difference for me.

15. I have and can’t say i was blown away enough to keep buying. Honestly, I think it doesn’t matter what you use so much as you have a routine and stick to it. Obviously there is a threshold for competency but I think many creams do roughly the same thing and the key is just to find something that works for your skin as far as not irritating you, etc., and something that you like using because it means you’ll use it more. For me, I really like the way Origins stuff smells and it’s gentle on my skin so I tend to buy a lot of it. I think just finding something you like, using it every day, and using sunscreen are the most important things you can do.

    1. This is in response to the Ole Henriksen question.

16. I know there are a lot of Hillary Clinton fans here. Can you persuade me to be more excited about her? I am very socially liberal and in practice essentially a single-issue voter (I would not vote for someone who is not pro-choice even if we agreed on every other issue but I highly doubt I will ever run into that kind of situation). I will 100% be voting for her in November, but am not excited about it. I have major issues with her and was really unhappy when she decided to run because I felt like her name blocked a lot of other would-be candidates from running. Am I just internalizing sexism with my problems with her (serious question)?

    1. Look, I get that a lot of people have done what she’s done (the emails, the paid speeches, etc.), but I also feel like she’s known that she has wanted to run for President for a long time, has been in the public eye for a long time and should know how the media works (fairly or unfairly), and should have known how terrible these decisions would look, and yet she still made these choices. I don’t know if it’s poor judgment, entitlement, or what, but I don’t think “everybody else is doing it” is a good excuse.

    2. She is way more pro-military action than I am. And more importantly, I feel like she hasn’t learned from her mistakes in this area. Voting for the Iraq war, seeing the disastrous results, and then pushing for military action in Syria?

    1. You don’t have to be excited about it (unfortunately). I’m not either. But a vote for Hillary is a vote NOT for Trump.

       1. This. So much this.

       2. That’s the problem for me – “better than Trump” is a really, really, really low bar. I need an affirmative reason to vote FOR Hillary. I am a Bernie supporter because I want to elect Bernie, not because he’s “not Trump.”

          1. You can’t elect Bernie though, because he lost.

             1. +1 So tired of Bernie supporters who announce that they like Bernie but don’t like HRC without any specific issues they disagree with.

             2. That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have a good reason to vote for Hillary other than her being pro-choice, although I strongly dislike that she kowtowed to Republicans and “pro-life” advocates by saying she’d support limits on abortion rights in certain circumstances. I have no faith in her convictions actually being genuine after that (and she’s even worse on other issues, obviously).

             3. Oh, I have plenty of specific issues I disagree with HRC on. As a progressive, why would I support a center-right hawk who is more interested in helping big business than students or those experiencing the worst effects of income inequality? For example, I can’t get behind someone whose idea of change means slightly improving student loan options without ever attacking the fundamental problem of students needing to pay tuition (on top of the taxes they already pay) for public college. Name an issue and you can pretty much guarantee she’s not a rockstar on it from a progressive standpoint.

             4. But do you really trust other politicians in general to be “genuine”? Not saying you are, but it definitely seems like people give other politicians a pass for things because they’re under pressure etc (Paul Ryan endorsing Donald Trump, or people who don’t think Trump’s antics are a deal breaker because “he just did it to win the primary but he probably doesn’t actually think that.” I realize that’s a different group of people, but excusing this kind of thing really does exist all across the political spectrum and I find it odd when people get concerned about her not being genuine in her convictions or whatever, but this is apparently less of a big deal for other politicians. I don’t don’t find her all that genuine, but I also don’t think I’d call any other politician genuine, although I think some are better at playing the part than others. That’s the job, and I don’t necessarily have a huge issue with it.

             5. when did she say that Anon at 11:18? Pretty sure her reaction to the recent SC decision was that abortion should be “safe and legal.”

                Changing your mind on something doesn’t mean your convictions are not genuine. Should she remain anti-gay marriage because she once held that position? Do you dislike Obama as well because he was anti-gay marriage and changed his position?

                If you are pro-choice you vote for HRC just like Bernie has said he will. Period. Otherwise Trump wins.

             6. How about the “genuine” issues with Bernie Sanders promising to do things that he literally cannot do? I recall him promising to reverse America’s status as the country with the most incarcerated people within the first months of his presidency. The overwhelming majority of incarcerated people in this country reside in state and local prisons and jails. He was saying what he thought people wanted to hear, without regard to whether that was even a thing within the presidential powers.

             7. This should make you happier: http://www.wsj.com/articles/hillary-clinton-expanding-college-plan-to-offer-free-tuition-to-millions-1467813602

          2. How about the future of the Supreme Court? How about the fact that many of the largest social and legal developments in our country — on both sides of the aisle, including gun control, Citizens United, abortion, gay marriage, voting rights, etc. — are decided by a bunch of octogenarians who may not make it another eight years? I will never understand why Democrats don’t understand the importance of a Supreme Court nomination in the way Republicans do. When Scalia died, the right started pouring money into campaigns. They told their base that the future of issues they care about is in jeopardy. The left needs to focus on this issue. We have three sitting Supreme Court justices who were born in the 1930s. How long do you think they’ll hold on?

             1. +100.

             2. This. I believe that the Supreme Court rulings in the next 4-8 years will have lasting cultural impacts, and I’m excited about where they will land under her presidency.

          3. Bernie isn’t an option anymore. Yeah, it isn’t great when you have to choose between what you consider the least of two evils but that’s the reality of the two-party system.

             1. ALSO: I think voting is your responsibility as a citizen, whether you are “excited” about the candidates or not. If you must you can vote “none” or for one of the token third party candidates, but you have to vote.

             2. Not voting is a statement. Not everyone thinks you “have” to support a two-party system you fundamentally disagree with.

             3. Not voting is not really a statement. Put another way, any “statement” you make by not voting is so diluted by the millions of other reasons that people do not vote as to be meaningless. There’s no way to tell if you are not voting because of Bernie, or if you are not voting because of apathy/a job/you can’t read/you just didn’t get around to it.

             4. Agree with Ally McBeal. You can make a statement by writing in “no confidence.” Or, simply vote for other slots (congress, senate, state gov positions) and don’t vote at all for president.

             5. Disagree with Dulcinea. Nobody cares if you write in no confidence. It’s making a statement like a tree falling in the woods makes a sound.

          4. No, I don’t think other politicians (with the exception of Bernie) are much more genuine than HRC. I won’t really single her out for that compared to the GOP candidates. However, Bernie has been MUCH more consistent over a very long period of time on income inequality, corporate taxation, civil rights, etc. and fares better if you look at things from an “actions speak louder than words” standpoint. There’s a big difference in being able to say you marched for civil rights compared to saying you campaigned for Barry Goldwater.

             1. Consistency is and of itself is not a virtue. Considered and reasoned policy positions are a virtue.

                Should Obama and Clinton have remained ‘consistent’ and not supported gay marriage?

                Bernie has been consistent on being against gun control – a little less consistency there would be beneficial to the country.

             2. Okay, but part of being an effective politician means working with others and adjusting your positions in part, on some level, to represent your constituents. Bernie Sanders hasn’t really been in the thick of politics for most of his time in office, and hasn’t really had to do these things and build the relationships that are part of the job. It allows him to be consistent, but not necessarily to compromise with others and be effective.

          5. RE: Hillary on abortion: http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/03/hillary-clinton-late-term-abortions

             1. So you’re not going to vote for HRC and risk Trump winning because:

                “both NARAL Pro-Choice America and the Planned Parenthood Action Fund stressed that Clinton’s broader comments spoke to their most pressing concerns”

                “Politicians should not interfere with a woman’s personal medical decisions, which should be left to a woman in consultation with her doctor. She also recognizes that Roe v. Wade provides that restrictions are constitutional later in pregnancy so long as there are clear exceptions for the life and health of the woman.”

                Yeah, that seems like a total reasonable decision on your part.

             2. Oh, I’ll still vote for her. Like I said, “better than Trump” isn’t a good reason, but it’s a reason. Just responding to everyone who thinks HRC is so great on reproductive rights – newsflash, if she’ll compromise on this, her “strong issue,” she’ll compromise on anything. Some things, like the right to bodily autonomy and to make your own medical decisions, are issues one should NEVER compromise on and I don’t respect her for it (the same way I do not respond a single GOP candidate – abortion rights are a dealbreaker).

             3. Trump will definitely restrict access to abortion. Clinton might. Might is way better than definitely, and I’m obviously still going to vote for her, but that is a terrible choice.

          6. “I don’t have a good reason to vote for Hillary other than her being pro-choice, . . .”

             Yes you DO. You vote for her because not voting for her assists Trump in winning. Unless you can honestly say that you don’t believe that Trump/Trump in the hands of Republicans-because that is what will happen- is worse on every single issue that is important to you, you have a reason to vote for HRC.

             This is MATH, people.

             Also, co-sign anon at 11:20.

    2. Thank you for asking this – I can’t wait to hear the answers. I too will definitely vote for her, but she does not excite me.

    3. So your main priority is a pro-choice candidate? And you aren’t excited about a woman who is fiercely pro-choice and pro-woman? Yeah, I do think there is some sexism there.

       Personally I genuinely love her. I don’t care about the speeches- good for her bringing her voice to industry. I don’t care about the emails. I disagreed with her Iraq vote, but I’m pro military action in Syria. I find the argument that her candidacy kept other people out offensive- Bernie wasn’t kept out, he did really well. It’s not her fault if anyone else didn’t run.

       What I care about is that she is fiercely intelligent, reads everything she can, prepares for every meeting, skilled at dealing with foreign leaders, willing to work across the aisle, and I believe genuinely cares about people and this country. I’m moved at the prospect of seeing a woman at that level of power.

       1. This is *exactly* how I feel about her. I am Canadian but worry a lot about who might be in charge of our closest neighbour and trading partner.

       2. I’ve been a pretty staunch Hillary supporter since the 2008 election, and I’m mostly aligned with this comment. I think she is thoughtful and hardworking and fiercely smart. I think she genuinely cares about making the country better, and she’s been deeply invested in issues I care about for decades.

          I also think she has been subject to more attacks than anyone I can think of. Think of all the hate hurled at her after the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Recall how long we had to talk about Benghazi. She is constantly dinged as shrill and calculating and “ambitious” (in a bad way), and I can’t understand how those critiques can be divorced from her gender. I think years and years of taking attacks from all sides contribute to the way she carries herself, which some find to be disingenuous. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that she’s trying so hard.

          And, I’m not ashamed to say that I’m really excited at the prospect of a woman president. I don’t think all women owe her a vote, I wouldn’t vote for just any woman, but I do think a strong, smart, committed female president would be an amazing milestone to witness.

          I will say, I wish she were able to accept critiques differently. I wish she would have said, the first time she was asked, “I’m not proud of how we treated gay people when we passed DOMA. We were trying to make things better incrementally, but we didn’t do enough. I won’t make that mistake again.” I wish she’d give a full mea culpa for the email server, without qualification, just one time. There are lots of reasons why she hasn’t — some of which I also find compelling, like the fact that her words will get played over and over with no nuance at all, and the current climate doesn’t seem to reward thoughtful retrospective reflection — but I can see why people find her justifications unsatisfying.

          1. And I think she shouldn’t apologize for DOMA in those terms because she was just a housewife at the time.

             1. Fine, though your “just a housewife” sentiment grosses me out. But she answered questions in her 2000 Senatorial campaign suggesting she continued to be against gay marriage, and she has certainly commented on the passage of DOMA as (effectively) the best we could do, so it’s not like she has stayed out of this area.

       3. This is pretty much how I feel too. I genuinely do like her, and I don’t see anything wrong with the speeches and don’t care about the emails (and also don’t think she did anything actually wrong there). She is a dedicated public servant who has spent her entire career serving this country. I don’t think she is a perfect person, but I don’t expect her to be. I know that some people are unhappy with stuff that she’s done/said in the past, but I also think that she’s allowed to a) make mistakes, and b) evolve/change her position. We all forget that male politicians “evolve” in their thinking (like Obama did when he started supporting gay marriage in 2012).

          1. +1

       4. I’m 100% in agreement with this comment, and with the replies to it as well. Many years ago, I was not a huge Hillary fan 00 I wasn’t thrilled with her running for Senate in New York when she wasn’t really from New York (same problem I had with Bernie running as a democrat, when he’s not a democrat). But since then, her and Bill have really made New York their home. And I was interning in the Senate my last year of law school when she was the junior senator from NY. Every time I saw her she was super nice to all around, including staffers and interns and visitors (more than can be said for many senators) and every time I saw her speak, she was uber prepared and really knew her sh!t. She is based in reality, knows how to compromise when its necessary, and does all she can to really get things done.

          She is not perfect, but it is maddening that she is constantly criticized for non-substantive things that men never, ever would be criticized for, and certainly not for literally every little thing she does. With so many people (including women who identify as “liberal” or “democrat”), she can’t win. Its the same struggle many of us face every day, but magnified times a million — if she is tough and fights back, she is a b!tch or shrill; if she doesn’t fight back, she is soft and not strong enough to be president. She continues to take cr@p because her husband has an affair, 20 years ago. Trump, in contrast, has spent the past 3o years having affairs, getting divorced, remarried — he has 5 kids with 3 different women, that we know of. No one says a thing.

          This is all to say that I like her politics — certainly more than anyone else that ran ever in this campaign cycle, but generally too. She is one of the most qualified candidates we have seen in a long time — she has experience from just about every angle. More importantly, it is time for a woman to have this role. And I am very, very excited to see her fill this role and become a role model for generations to come.

          1. Say it!

             1. Well said.

       5. This. Totally agree with this.

       6. +1 billion

       7. HRC has had to play the political game for decades. Although I disagree with her hawkishness, I would not be surpised if it is in part due to stereotypes about women not being tough.

       8. “I disagreed with her Iraq vote, but I’m pro military action in Syria.” Because it worked so well in Iraq/Libya/Iran, etc. and all the other countries that the US has sought a regime change. This is an excellent example of liberal hypocrisy. Only against war when it’s the other party doing it.

    4. I’m excited. Pro-choice is my most important issue for sure.

       I also love that she’s has embraced the LGBT community – it’s not like Trump has pro LGBT swag on his site. And I love that she has a sense of humor – keep meaning to buy a ‘woman card’ from her shop.

       Not crazy about military action in general but it’s not like ISIS is willing to sit at a negotiating table or stop being awful and pretty much all major world powers have some type of military involvement with Syria.

       I do think there’s a lot of latent basis against her as a women. A lot of comments I hear about people ‘not liking her’ come back to her not being ‘feminine enough’ (pants suits/hair style complaints) or being too ambitious/aggressive (why is it not appropriate for someone that wants to be President to be openly ambitious – argh!). I find that people rarely have specific policy positions of hers that they can explain that they disagree with.

    5. I recommend following her on Facebook. Her campaign is very intentionally not “exciting” because she is trying to come off as serious and presidential in contrast to you-know-who. But her Facebook feed is filled with good content on real issues, especially social issues like poverty and race. I was also not all that into her as a candidate a few months ago, but now I’ve gotten behind her and I think she’s fabulous.

    6. I keep reminding myself that she has a demonstrated commitment to making life better for working families through paid leave and access to social services like childcare; that she’s more pro-gun control than Bernie; and that she’ll support abortion rights and nominate like-minded Supreme Court justice(s). I also think that she has the experience to get things done for our country, and appreciate that she is willing to compromise (unlike Bernie) to pass legislation.

       I have minimal concerns about HRC from a domestic policy perspective, but have deep reservations about the hawkishness of her foreign policy positions. But for a pro-choice, non-xenophobic, feminist woman in the workforce with a realistic view of how a two-party system works (sry all the Bernie fans on my newsfeed), we all know there is no other option.

       1. <3 This is well written.

    7. How can anyone’s top voting issue be pro choice – as opposed to say staying employed and the economy?? Exactly how many abortions do you need in a lifetime?

       1. Because there’s so little difference between the mainstream of the two parties on economic policies (lord knows what any of Trumps actual policy positions are) that there isn’t much else to vote on.

       2. Some of us think women’s right to be fully human is more important than capitalism.

          1. +a million.

          2. +10000!! Abortion encompasses so many issues. A woman’s right to control her body, access to reproductive healthcare, control over her life, whether and when to have children, etc. Control over my own body and life are the real issues for me. No one else should have the right to make such important decisions for me or take away certain options. I also think it’s a slippery slope. If abortion is restricted, what else will the politicians try to take away from me?

       3. You hope that you never need one, but if you do, abortion should be accessible, safe, and legal. If it isn’t accessible, safe, and legal to all women in the US, then that certainly impacts women’s ability to stay employed, and impacts the economy on a micro and macro level.

          Without freedom of choice, women are not equal to men. Full stop.

          1. That’s nice, but you don’t need an economic justification for supporting abortion. Even if supporting abortion rights completely tanked the economy somehow, it would still be more important. Women’s rights are not worth sacrificing for the success of men first.

             1. ? NYNY is explaining the value of abortion in the terms that OP has explained are important to her. She doesn’t need to do that, but it’s delightful that she did, and it’s how I think about and value abortion

       4. I probably won’t ever need an abortion, but I need human rights every day. I also think democrats are better for the economy.

       5. Seriously?

          Educate yourself on what is actually at stakes wrt reproductive rights in this country before you shout your mouth off without thinking.

          Pretty sure every woman on this board could fly herself to a jurisdiction where abortion was available if need be. Pretty sure that the vast majority of women can’t. It is a dealbreaker to me if a politician does not believe that I am a full person with full rights to bodily autonomy.

          Who gives a sh** how well the economy is doing when you lose your job or drop out of school or remain tethered to your abusive ex, or, or, or……while you are forced to gestate a pregnancy you don’t want?

          1. or have to carry your rapist’s baby?

       6. Access to abortion is a critical factor in staying employed for many women.

       7. So far one, due to a miscarried child, that required me to have some pretty invasive procedures and tried to dictate how I could dispose of my child’s remains. That’s enough to make me a single issue voter for a long time.

       8. Economic issues are largely cyclical and at least partly influenced by factors beyond the US government’s power. Action taken on social issues often has impact that lasts for decades, can be largely changed by government officials and if done “wrong” can take generations to undo. It’s one thing to be underemployed, it’s another thing to be deprived of human dignity.

    8. Not a rousing endorsement – but since no one likes her anyway, she won’t be afraid to just go ahead and make difficult / politically unpopular decisions that will move the country in the right direction – affordable childcare, real solutions for racial disparities, real gun control efforts, etc. She’s running to get sh*t done, not to make friends, and/but she’s not such an ideologue that her plans have no realistic chance of being implemented.

       1. obviously there are some of us — indeed a majority of the democrats who voted in the primaries — who like her.

          1. Of course. But for whatever reason, the media narrative around her is always, ‘people just don’t like her’ so she might as well work that to her advantage. Not many people like Trump, either, but he’s super thin skinned and takes personal offensive at even the hint of a slight towards him. Hilary? She’s heard it all before and it isn’t going to knock her off her game.

          2. I find it baffling that likeability is so important. I want someone who will get things done; she’s likeable enough (as Obama famously said), she doesn’t need to be my best friend. Bush the 2d was very likeable, everyone wanted to have a beer with him (great idea with a recovering alcoholic, btw), no one “liked” Gore, but who would we have been better off with?

             OP, I also don’t like how hawkish HRC can be and I am probably to the left of her on a lot of issues but I am so, so excited that we might have a woman president, finally. And not a woman who supports anti-woman policies, but a woman who has sincerely devoted her life to making the world a better place for women and girls everywhere. I just had a baby girl and I am genuinely psyched that she may grow up with a female president and that will just be the norm. I think that’s huge! The U.S. likes to think of itself as a very progressive country but our family policies are actually quite backwards and we are really not as progressive as we think on gender issues. So if that changes in November, I am all for it. Also: the Courts. The idea of not worrying about who Trump may pick when there are inevitable vacancies is YUGE. If you need additional inspiration about HRC, google “Tina Fey and ‘b*tch is the new black'” – I was for Obama in 2008 but it’s persuasive.

             1. This comment is everything. Slow clap.

    9. Other commenters have addressed reasons they like her. I’ll leave that alone and talk about the Wall Street speeches, which is an argument that irks me to no end.

       I fail to understand why giving a “paid speech” is a “terrible” decision or shows bad judgment. First, there is no decision that will please everyone. If she gave paid speeches to a solar energy company that would look bad to someone. If she gave speeches to a consumer advocacy group that would look bad to someone. Second, how is it possible that a person who has the credentials and the means to *run for President of the United States* would have made it through their career without giving a speech where they got speaking fees? Seriously-that’s absurd. Someone answer this.

       Yeah, people hate “Wall Street” right now. She gave speeches to “Wall Street” years ago. So what? We know that says f*** all about her future policies. The implied assumption is that “she gave speeches to Wall Street so now she’s obviously in bed with them and going to do every thing they ask and everything they ask will be bad.” There is no logical basis for this proposition. I’m pretty darn liberal but I also value a candidate that doesn’t alienate every group of people/sector of the economy whose policy preferences don’t align 100% with hers. Alienating everyone you need to work with is not a recipe for success. Pretending that you won’t need to work with people you disagree with is not a recipe for success.

       I absolutely, 100% do not think we’d be hearing this degree of whining about speeches from a male candidate.

       1. totally agree with this.

    10. New York Magazine had an excellent and lengthy profile on HRC a few weeks ago. I forwarded it to a friend who was a Bernie supporter and he said it helped him come to terms with her. Just google New York Magazine Hillary Clinton.

    11. I don’t know what will make you excited, but I’m excited because:

        1. She has fought for the rights of poor people, women, and children her entire life. I don’t have time to type out her entire biography, but this podcast might be enlightening: http://www.stuffmomnevertoldyou.com/podcasts/who-is-hillary-clinton/. Note that this podcast also sheds some light about why she is often very defensive and secretive – although I think she could respond better to criticism and apologize more quickly when she makes mistakes (like with the email server), she has been under constant attack ever since Bill first ran for office. I would be defensive too if I was constantly being treated in an unfair and sexist way.

        2. Unlike Obama in his first years and DEFINITELY unlike Bernie, she can marshal the support of the Dems in Congress to get things done. The drafting of Obamacare was a fragmented disaster because Obama really did not reach out to members of his own part to get them to fall in line. Hillary is an expert in this and has the relationships and the gamesmanship necessary to make it happen. (If you don’t like that politics is a game, fair, but that’s a separate issue that needs to be worked on over time and cannot be changed by electing one person to one office, as we saw with Obama).

        3. I 100% trust her to pick Supreme Court nominees that will protect the rights most important to me (the right to choose, to protect minorities, and to overturn Citizen’s United) for long after she leaves office.

        4. I do think she is a talented diplomat and has the respect of foreign leaders. I won’t get into the Syria debate, but it is far from equivalent to Iraq (which I disagreed with both at the time and now). I do think she learned her lesson and showed that she approached the Syrian conflict with extreme caution during her tenure at the State Dept.

        1. Agree with lots of what has been said and adding my quick views too:

           I am a big fan of HRC and have been for years. That does not mean I agree with her on all issues – I am very liberal and essentially a pacifist, so we definitely don’t see eye to eye on many things military. That said, I am excited about her for a few reasons.

           First, I am incredibly impressed and inspired by everything she has accomplished in her life – first woman partner at Rose Law Firm, Senator, Sec of State, etc. And it could not have been easy. I doubt that many people, when faced with all the sexist, misogynistic, downright nasty things said about her in the media (and probably to her face) over the years, would agree to sign up for more of that by running for President.

           Second, I think of myself as an optimistic pragmatic and I think she is too. I agree with Sanders on a lot of issues, but the huge thing I was missing from him during the primaries was any real action plan. I thought this was really noticeable during their debates. Sanders would say that he believed X needed to happen. HRC would say that she believed X needed to happen and then outline a plan for getting it done.

           Third, she is extremely qualified, incredibly smart and hardworking. I hear the folks who complain about her as an establishment candidate, but I actually think her decades of experience help her here. Plus, she seems really excited/positive about taking it on. Also, Trump aside, I would consider anyone who makes it this far into politics as “establishment” in some sense, including Sanders.

    12. Gary Johnson. Not crazy, not a liar, actual governing experience. I refuse to vote for either HRC or Trump.

        1. And by refusing to vote for HRC you will help elect Trump. Don’t kid yourself. You don’t send a message to anyone by wasting your vote like that.

           1. What I do not understand is why all of these 3rd party candidates and their supporters do not “make a statement” during non-election times by doing actual *work* to implement the things they believe in, and grow their support base and political infrastructure to the extent necessary to have a viable chance of winning the presidency.

              Want my vote? Be influential at state and local levels. Build coalitions. Show me what you can and have done. Do the grassroots leg work to build your movement so that the first time I hear your name it isn’t in June of the election year. Why should I believe that you and your party (or, politicians who agree with you, whatever) are capable of running the country if you can’t accomplish that?

              Don’t sit there simpering about how the two party system is so unfair and it shuts you out. It didn’t shut you out from doing politics for the other 1,460 days of the year, did it?

        2. HAHAHA not crazy. He believes in absolute rights to gun ownership, abolishing the corporate income tax, dissolving the IRS, Department of Commerce, HUD, and Department of Education. He wants to slash Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security.

           Also, “actual governing experience.” He was the governor of New Mexico over a decade ago. Since then he’s been running a weed company.

           1. Do you honestly believe that the size of government is reasonable or sustainable? We are so far in debt our children will never get out from under it. The entitlement programs have to be reformed, or they are going to bankrupt us. We spend FAR too much on defense. Regulations (thanks to those agencies) are completely out of control. While talking about Brexit, few people mentioned that there are 450 pages of EU regulations regarding bathroom towels. Technocrats do not make for vibrant economies. Trump is an idiot, but Clinton is a power-hungry, manipulative liar. Yes, I will vote for Johnson. I am for personal liberty, personal choice, and personal responsibility. Trump and Clinton are two sides of the same authoritarian coin.

              1. “Regulations (thanks to those agencies) are completely out of control.”

                 Lol. Why? Libertarians always say that regulations “are out of control” but never exactly explain why. How exactly would you propose to accomplish nifty things like ensuring clean air, clean water, and safe handling of toxics and hazardous wastes, and food and drug safety, for example, without or with fewer regulations?

                 “While talking about Brexit, few people mentioned that there are 450 pages of EU regulations regarding bathroom towels.”

                 Oh christ, even John Oliver managed to debunk this (I believe he focused on pillows).

                 “Clinton is a power-hungry, manipulative liar”

                 News flash. So is Trump.

              2. And naturally, the solution to massive national debt is excusing corporations from contributing to taxes. Johnson doesn’t have a plan for reforming those entitlement programs. His plan is abolish them and let the free market figure it out. There’s no evidence that that’s going to work for the vulnerable members of our society.

                 Also, just to be clear, we live in a regulated world. You are completely wrong that nobody mentioned the EU regulations on towels — that was a huge talking point for UKIP and its ilk. What they didn’t mention is that if Britain still wants to trade with the EU, they’re still going to have to comply with the regulations.

                 Hating the existing system and saying you want to dismantle it is not a solution.

              3. Nah, the entitlement programs offer a social safety net that actually keeps an economy more stable, and can help it recover more quickly. Bailing out individuals, just as bailing out the big banks and the auto industry obviously helped our economy recover in a time of real crisis. Government oversight and regulation can actually prevent horrible issues with contaminated drinking water that end up costing taxpayers billions more in the long run (hello, lead-poisoned children of Flint).

17. Some of my summer skincare products are bleaching my bath towels, and it’s not a pretty look. Does a bleach resistant towel (that’s still yummy and fluffy – I’m currently using Nordstrom’s hydrocotton towels) exist? Or are plain white towels the solution here?

    1. White towels.

    2. Some colors bleach more easily than others- blues, purples, greens. I don’t notice bleaching with grey towels, yellow, pink…but this is no guarantee (FWIW I switched to white towels for this reason).

    3. I’ve seen bleached/discolored pinks, yellows and browns at my in-laws and greens, blues and raspberry at my parents. We therefore purchase only white sheets and towels!

    4. Floral pattern so the bleaching won’t be as noticeable?

    5. After trying to avoid towel discoloration for years, I now only purchase white sheets and towels. I also find it gives my home a clean, “hotel” feel. My mom told me she saw some “benzoyl peroxide resistant” sheets in a store last week, but I’m skeptical of their efficacy.

18. I work for a large global company that is currently performing terribly. Thousands of people have been laid off, with more to come. Profits are negative numbers and the share price is dropping insanely low – lower than ever, even worse than the financial crisis.

    The weird thing is, I am kind of enjoying its failure. I don’t have negative feelings toward the company and I like my job well enough. My job is relatively safe, but I’m not very concerned about whether I do get laid off – severance packages are excellent and I’m in fine financial shape.

    Basically all day I am watching the share price go lower and lower, utterly thrilled. Like watching a car wreck or something – a bizarre and guilty pleasure. Is this really wrong of me? Has anyone else been through something similar? I guess I feel weird and guilty.

    1. Is there some reason? It sounds like you’re taking pleasure in the people losing their jobs and having a harder time than you are. Company troubles=employee troubles for a lot of people. You like that?

    2. I get it. When I worked for the employer from hell, I quit and then appreciated its downfall more than anyone should. I felt terribly for the people still there who ended up laid off, but the company was a cesspool and was destined to fail. I was glad that such a horrible place finally met its end.

    3. Marisa Mayer, is that you?!?!?!

       1. :snort::giggle:

19. Swimming at the CEO’s house — how do I deal with my (pretty, but huge) tattoos?!

    CEO invited me and my family, my boss and his family, and the family of another woman I work closely with over to swim and bbq this weekend. I am definitely anxious about my giant upper arm/shoulder tattoo.

    I’ve worked here for a year, known the CEO for about 3, have had this tattoo the whole time, and CEO has never seen it. Sleeved dresses forever!

    Boss (in his mid-30s, like me) has seen it, outside of work (think like, beer garden get together). I have a long sleeved rash guard, but is that too obvious? Do I not swim? Do I presume that the fact that I’ve done good work for a year is enough for CEO not to care?

    1. I’d be uncomfortable in any sort of bathing suit in front of a boss or CEO, tattoo or not.

       I’d probably wear a light sleeved sundress or light cardigan and just not swim.

    2. If you’re otherwise okay with CEO seeing you in a swimsuit, then go ahead and swim, but all my experiences at these types of work get-togethers indicates that nobody but kids actually swim.

       1. Oh interesting! It didn’t occur to me that only kids would swim, especially since my kid absolutely can’t swim on her own (less than 2 yrs old). I don’t feel self conscious in a bathing suit generally (like, my body is the shape it is, and this is how it looks in these clothes? i don’t think anyone who has known me for a year is going to be shocked to see that I’m curvy and a little fat) and I have plenty of mom-style options that aren’t sexy, just practical.

          I guess it’s a bigger question of how I’ve always had a pretty high wall between “real me” and “work me” — not that “work me” is fake, it’s just not a complete version of me (especially when I was younger/single and had some scandalous …hobbies) because I don’t want people judging my professional capabilities based on things entirely unrelated to my professional life.

          I think I’m talking myself into the rashguard here.

          1. I personally don’t feel comfortable wearing a bathing suit around co-workers because although, yes, they already know the shape of my body, they are seeing me much closer to n*ked than they ever would at work. But everyone is different, and your comfort level with that may be greater than mine.

             Also, part of the point of you having a “swim and BBQ” at CEO’s house (rather than just BBQing in your backyard or taking your daughter to swim at the public pool) is so that you can spend some low-pressure time with CEO building rapport. If your kid can’t swim alone, could your partner swim with her while you network?

             1. That’s a really good point. I will def. tell my partner that he should plan to be on primary kid duty (unless, I guess, CEO is also swimming with the kids?) so that I get that low-key interaction with the people important to my job. I wouldn’t have thought of that and I really appreciate the thought. (Am now wondering if not bringing a suit will help me say “oh darn I can’t swim with baby, you take her, i’ll sit here and have sangria and conversation!”)

          2. Honestly, I’ve been seeing many more people be spf conscious and wear rashguards no matter their size. I used to be one out of 30 ppl in my water sport club but now I see basically 1/3 to 1/2 of the folks wearing rashguards for spf protection so it’s not a matter of fat/mom/tattoo anymore to wear one.

    3. if the swimming part is OK with you, then I’d wear the rash guard. Those are actually pretty in right now, so I don’t think it will be weird.

    4. Sundress, bathing suit + coverup that covers the tatt, rash guard or just rock it. depends what you want to convey to the CEO.

    5. How old is CEO? I feel that tattoos are pretty much ubiquitous these days-at my fancy athletic club/pool, almost everyone has one. That said, I’m old and think there are enough people out there who don’t like them and would judge, so I’d probably wear the rash guard. If CEO is younger, maybe not.

       1. CEO is older (60s?) and came up through the industry (without outing myself, construction-type work) so I know he couldn’t hate everyone with a tattoo… BUT he might have different standards for office-types than for field-types?

          I think I’ll wear it. I DO burn easily, also, and my kid will be wearing one too.

          1. I would do a rash guard or at least a coverup with sleeves.

          2. Since you already own it, I’d say wear it. I own and wear multiple rashguards now, because I my kids and I burn pretty easily, and I want to set a good example for them. Just make sure not to say something anti-tanning in case the CEOs family does still do sunbathing, as I once made the mistake of putting my foot in my mouth doing. If anyone asks, saying “I burn easily” is a true and fair statement.

             But I also agree with letting your husband know that you want him to be the primary for kid duty so you can be free to primarily be networking.

    6. I strongly encourage you not to wear a swimsuit, and to not swim. In every work pool party I have been to, it is for the kids, and perhaps the occasional clueless intern/young employee. The occasional woman employee who came in a bikini (with usually a very good body…) was stared at by everyone, talked about, and never forgotten.

       Why do you want to have your co-workers have a better image of you nearly naked?

       Put on a great sundress/maxidress, or tailored shorts and a top that covers your tattoos or doesn’t (I’m much less worried that these are an issue).

       But wearing a swim suit AND pulling out tattoos… yes, no one will forget you.

       I’ve learned the hard way that a reputation is a very fragile and important thing…. as is how people remember you.

       1. It sounds like the issue might be that her kiddo would want to get in the water and can’t without her. I’d wear a rashguard if I was playing in the pool with a kiddo either way – they’re very functional.

       2. Sigh, I hate that people would see wearing a mumsy swimsuit as some sort of flaunting of my nearly n*ked body thing instead of as dressing appropriately for a sporty outdoor activity we were invited to participate in, but I guess that is the world we live in.

          “Stared at by everyone, talked about, and never forgotten.” What a price to pay to swim at a swim party.

          1. Just as a counterpoint, “life”‘s experience above is not the same as mine. My department at a previous employer had annual lake parties. People swam and went tubing. People wore swimsuits. Tattoos were visible. We were a stuffy, suits-formal environment at work. No one was “stared at, talked about, and never forgotten”.

             But if you’re more comfortable in a rash guard, wear one! But do it because you want to. FWIW I’ve worn rash guard tops when swimming with newly-learning-to-swim children of friends, if only because little kids will grab on to anything, including your bikini top (or top of your one piece), without understanding that they are likely causing you to flash everyone around you. A rash guard removes that variable!

          2. No one at my company’s pool parties goes in the pool except for the kids and sometimes the SO of the employee who needs to take care of the kids. They have hired lifeguards at our parties in the past which made it easier for parents not to go in the pool.

             And yes, I totally think if you have a rocking body (or rocking tattoos!) that some people will judge and think you’re just trying to flaunt if if you show up in a bikini (I can definitely see a number of people at my work thinking that). Dumb, I know, but best to do what others have suggested.

             1. Funny! While I think I have a rockin’ body, I can 110% guarantee you that the type of people who would be judging my cattily for what I wear would also judge me for being way too fat to wear it (whatever “it” might be). You can’t win for losin’.

                I’m leaning toward a conclusion like, “if this is the kind of workplace where the CEO invites you to swim and you do swim, wearing a modest suit/rashguard, and people judge the hell out of you for it, then I guess my future isn’t here, like I thought it was.”

          3. Board shorts plus tankini or rash guard.

20. Related to HRC- in all the movies, you hear: “yes Mr. president, Sir.” Should HRC win, how will she be addressed? “Yes Ms. president, ma’am”? Mrs? I’m sure people have thought about this before :-) I know in the media she’s Hillary, Former Senator or Ms. (Unless in a piece about Bill, then she’s often Mrs.)

    1. Madam(e) President is what has been used I think. Lots of other countries have had female presidents who have visited the USA and been referred to as such. Or just President Clinton.

    2. Wouldn’t it be madam, like Madam Secretary or whatever?

    3. I figure they will use Madam President since they used Madam Secretary.

    4. It’s Madam President. Just like it was Madam Secretary when she was the Secretary of State.

       1. What if it’s still “sir”? I don’t know what this says about me, but I always liked hearing female superior officers addressed as “sir” in Star Trek when I was growing up.

          1. Same. I got a thrill in BSG as well.

    5. Madam President!

21. 30 day plank challenge — has anyone done it? Has it helped your strength/fitness in any way? I’m someone who is skinny but doesn’t work out (though city life keeps me active as I can’t drive everywhere). I would like to get stronger without too much effort — this almost seems too easy though (I know the exercise isn’t easy but 20 seconds a day to start makes me think — if it’s so effective why doesn’t everyone do it). Thoughts?

    1. Lauren Conrad’s website (I know but stick with me) has a 30 day ab challenge that doesn’t take too long (especially at the beginning) that includes planks. I only did it for 5 or 6 days before it was just too difficult logistically (I was showing my condo so had to get rid of my yoga mat) but I’m going to try it again once I can move my yoga mat back in.

       1. ^I’m always embarrassed to admit I follow that site, but it has really good articles!!!

       2. I have been meaning to go back and binge watch Laguna Beach and The Hills. Total guilty pleasure.

    2. If it’s only 20 seconds a day, why not try it? What is there to lose?

    3. I’ve been planking 3 times a week for months and can’t get past 90 seconds. It’s a lot harder than it seems.

22. I’m traveling to Moscow and then St. Petersburg the first two weeks of September. What is appropriate to pack for weather, and for general city/style aesthetics? My current plan is mostly short ankle booties (comfy for lots of walking with skinny jeans (grey and blue) and relaxed t-shirt style dresses. I have a light jacket to throw on as needed, and a pair of comfy ballet flats. I’m also attending several opera and ballet performances, and am not sure how dressy these cities get for evening events. Any advice would be welcome!

    1. Weather can be unpredictable so pack for layers and be ready for it to be cold. People dress up for the ballet/opera/theater and you are expected to check your coat. Generally, I think it’s a little dressier than the US but also randomly so – think “dressier” sneakers, dark jeans with details, etc. I think you should be fine with ankle booties and skinny jeans for walking around in the day. T shirt style dresses may be less appropriate depending on the weather. You should not wear either to see a ballet.

       1. Thanks, this is very helpful! Would tall black boots with black tights and a (likely black) dress be more appropriate for the evening? I’m imagining a jersey knit wrap dress, or similar, for easy packing.

          1. What you describe sounds fine, but do check the weather forecast before you leave: this time of year can occasionally be unseasonably warm, but you might also need a warmer coat/scarf and tall boots. I’d say the average would be between 50 – 65 degrees? Second the advice to dress in layers; you may want to pack one of those microdown jackets in case it gets cold towards the middle of September. A wrap dress plus tights and boots or nice ankle booties for opera sounds fine; you may want to add a sparkly necklace, wrap and/or clutch to make it more fancy. People do dress up for evening events, but not to black tie level.

             1. Agree with all this.

    2. Be prepared for September to be way colder – but keep an eye on the weather forecast before you go. A light sweater plus a light jacket would be more appropriate. I haven’t been in a while so I’m not sure what is in – but generally people are much dressier than in the US, like AIMS said.

       Do not wear jeans or a “t shirt dress” to a ballet – think a LBD or a cocktail dress. And evening makeup. Everyone checks their coats. Bring a small bag or clutch. The ballet in Moscow is An Event.

    3. I’d wear cocktail dresses to the opera and ballet. No boots, nice evening sandals.

23. Wear the rash guard and if asked, claim sun sensitivity or family history of skin cancer….my two cents. Besides, more fabric in front of boss and CEO is NOT a bad thing….

24. On a happy note, rather than busting my butt to find clients, I have my first clients coming to me based on finding my other work, which is awesome.

    I’m still dealing with intense impostor syndrome, though. I keep waiting for them to go “HAHAHAHA J/K, we’re not paying you”.

    Does that feeling ever go away?

    1. Yup. For me it took about a year–and you’ll love it! Congrats!

       1. Oh thank goodness there’s light at the end of the tunnel! Thank you!

25. Hi all,

    Long-awaited first pregnancy appointment tomorrow at OB! Super excited and wanted to pick the hive’s brain about what some good questions are to make sure we ask. As I’ve mentioned in the past I am pre-diabetic and monitoring blood sugar and on a low dose of Metformin already so there will certainly be questions about that. Thank you!

    1. I would ask about your visit schedule, if you can preschedule multiple appointments in advance (this has been a lifesaver for me), how your OB directs your care/lets you direct care, when and if to have genetic testing, what childbirth and labor and delivery education can be done online, if you’ll see your OB every time or rotate OBs in the practice, what the odds are that your OB or one of his/her partners will deliver you, what sort of bloodwork you’ll need and when…

    2. Make sure you LOVE your OB. You will spend a LOT of time with this doctor, and a lot of time with the practice. You basically can’t switch practices once you’re more than 20 weeks pregnant. Make sure this doctor has the bedside manner you want in the event of sh!t hitting the fan with your pregnancy. Pregnancy is really uncomfortable, really long, and your moods may be all over the map. Pick someone you trust. Also, read Expecting Better and see if your OB’s views are in line with where you fall on the map.

    3. Ask (or understand) which hospital(s) your OB can deliver at.

       Understand their hours and schedule as many appointments as you can. If you are over 35 or otherwise high risk, understand the visit schedule (wayyyy more than typical).

       Procedure for issues- who do you call and when.

       Beyond that I’ve found at each pregnancy they donanwhile schtick that answers all my questions and a million more.

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