ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 323 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Mock Neck Top in Modal-Silk

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A simple but elegant blouse is worth its weight in gold if you can find the right one. This modal-silk mock turtleneck top from Theory is just the type of elevated basic that makes every outfit somehow look better.

It would look just as lovely under a full suit as it would with joggers and sneakers.

The top is $195 and comes in sizes XS-XL. It also comes in black, military green, and grey oat.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

323 Comments

    1. This is gorgeous, but I agree. As soon as I hit forty, I couldn’t stand restrictive necklines anymore. I want to rip open turtlenecks like I’m the Hulk.

      1. I’m a 180 from you (and 50). A turtleneck means never having to worry if it is a good neck day. It is never a neck day. Neck is cold.

        1. To me, this isn’t really a turtleneck but a mock turtleneck, which hits my neck in a place that is about as unflattering as possible.

        2. I’m also always cold, and yet I seem to have developed localized neck claustrophobia. It’s so weird. I used to love cozy funnelnecks and turtlenecks, and now I have to wear v-neck and boatneck styles. And I’ve completely given up scarves, even when I’m out in the elements and really need one. My neck is like a toddler that wants to run around the house naked.

          1. Gah, yes, I feel this so much. I tried wearing a scarf the other day over a sweater and ended up ripping it off before I even made it to the office. This is a scarf that’s really soft and I’ve worn probably a hundred times. When did I become so sensitive?

      2. I love turtlenecks, but only in cozy knits. A silk one is going to get wrinkly and sloppy looking around the neck within 10 minutes of wear.

        Also, silk in mid-range colors like the pictured lilac? Shows every drop of sweat immediately.

        Looks elegant on the model, though!

    2. Right before I scrolled down to the comments, I was saying to myself, “I hate the collar, I hate the sleeves, I hate the waist, I hate the color . . . ” and I really really try — and have succeeded — in not commenting on any of the picks here because to each her own and Elizabeth is merely presenting options.

      And then I saw the price. And I hate that too.

  2. Has anyone gone from blonde to brunette? Any advice? Have been really tempted to make the change for years but always chicken out. I am naturally dirty blonde but have been getting highlights for years.

    1. Can you experiment with a temporary color since you’re going darker? Like maybe just to “light golden brown” and see how it feels.

    2. I did several years ago. My hair was ashy blonde that started slowly darkening in spots, so I started highlighting those spots. Eventually my natural color was dark enough that the highlights were too much, so we started balancing with some lowlights that were slightly darker than my natural color. Gradually I realized that the highlights were really not doing me any favors anymore. I will say that my stylist was not great at color, or at least at doing what I wanted, and we spent several months of me asking her to ease up on the highlights and her never really doing so. (I should have just found a new stylist, but I didn’t have the mental energy at that point.) Eventually I just had her dye my whole head with the darker color we’d been using. It was close enough to my natural color at that point that it seemed like the easiest way to transition, as it covered the highlights while I grew them out. It was a striking change, but it got me where I wanted to be so it was worth it. My advice would be to be prepared for it to look darker than you expect and to give yourself some time to get used to it. I went in with the mindset that I wanted to get to my natural color and see what it looked like, and if I didn’t like it then I would find someone who could color it in a way that felt more natural and flattering to me. I don’t regret it. I love my natural color now and it’s so much more flattering to my skin tone than the highlights were!

    4. I have. I went from dirty blonde to medium dark brown. I loved it except for the maintenance. For me it was significantly higher maintenance than blond highlights. My blonde highlights sort of get painted on and can grow out fairly gradually over 2-3 months. With brown hair, my roots were much more noticeable and needed to be touched up every 5-6 weeks.

    5. Another idea is to blend in more lowlights and darker highlights, in very thin pieces. I usually go darker in the fall/winter, and it grows out okay if you do thin pieces.

      I have medium blonde hair that gets a little lighter in summer and darker in the fall. Changing to darker highlights/lowlights in the fall makes my hair look darker and richer.

    6. Yes, similar coloring to you. I used to do a demi-permanent color and it would fade gradually (in a good way) so the roots line took longer to be visible. Did that for prob 7 years till I got tired of coloring. It was great because that type of color was damaging and made my hair very shiny. Also, looked natural even though it was single-process with no highlights. Also also, could go longer between washes because the color didn’t look greasy as quickly as my natural dark/ashy blonde.

    7. Whatever you do, don’t do a permanent base color that’s darker than your real haircolor. Trust me when I say it becomes a very big maintenance problem over time, particularly if you start to go gray. There’s no hiding that. Lowlights might be a better choice if you want to go darker.

  3. One thing I am loving about midi dresses that feel loose (or loose after a lifetime in sheaths and pencil skirts) is that in my cold office where I have a vent over my desk: I can layer HeatTech pants and tops underneath the dress and be toasty warm. Throw on socks and boots and I’m really happy, temp-wise, for once in the office.

  4. Yesterday red flag post – can you give some examples of when men want a smart girlfriend to make them feel smarter?

    1. My ex husband was like this. He was excited to tell everyone my accomplishments and credentials, but he’d get sulky when I got recognition, and he didn’t really support my career behind the scenes. He also always had a chip on his shoulder that I made more than he did. He wanted someone who was smart enough to be interesting to him and others, but who was like a step “below” him in accomplishments and money.

      I’ve also met guys like this who have a reaction to a discussion that’s something similar to, “You’re so cute when you have opinions.”

      1. +1 to this. I had a boyfriend who publicly bragged about what I was working towards at the time (the equivalent of getting board certified in my field), but privately wasn’t at all supportive. He didn’t protect my time to study, he didn’t celebrate each (any!) step of the process, and he wasn’t excited for me when I wanted to build on this accomplishment and go for something bigger. It took time for this all to reveal itself, but in retrospect I think the “red flag” to look for would be something along the lines of “behaves different towards me in public than in private.”

      2. One of my husband’s post-college roommates was like this. Talked a great game about how much he liked smart women, how he couldn’t possibly be with someone who wasn’t ambitious, well-educated, well-read, etc. Then he would get a girlfriend who fit that description, and proceed to complain about how she “never had time” for him, he “didn’t feel like he was a priority for her,” etc. He would turn into the neediest, poutiest man-baby ever if his girlfriend outshone him in any way, including (just as one example) if the girlfriend knew more than he did about some dinner-table conversation topic. Eyeroll. He moved away when my husband and I moved in together (which was 20+ years ago) and he and my husband are really only in contact over Facebook. The guy is now a lifelong bachelor at 50 and recently got a dog, and has been posting memes about how much better dog ownership is than dating. And I’m like, yes, definitely quit dating. You weren’t doing anyone any good by staying in the dating pool.

        Going back to that old Maya Angelou saying about “when people show you who they are, believe them” – a guy who really values a smart woman will show it, not just say it. My husband says it, and he also shows it. Any time I’ve wanted to take a step forward in my career or needed to work really hard to achieve a goal, he’s been behind me, not just staying out of my way, but taking control of things at home so I could focus on work. A supportive partner for a high-achieving woman won’t A. say “I support you” and then do nothing to demonstrate that support (even down to things like loading the dishwasher or doing the laundry), or B. say “I love smart women” and then demonstrate in every way that they really prefer for you to keep your head down and your mouth shut so you don’t put them in shadow.

    2. I dated someone like this — he liked that I worked in his (prestigious) field but wanted me to be impressed with him way more than I was (and I liked him! but he clearly wanted a woman to find him more impressive than they found themselves, and I just didn’t, and also that’s a bad vibe).

    3. I dated several men like this. Examples:
      *Picked fights the next before I had a big test; screamed if I didn’t cater to him before his tests.
      *Kept going on about how women aren’t as good in math/science as men are, while purporting to date me because of my EE degree (himself – history)
      *act like my ambitions are cute
      *Constant downplaying of my achievements, redirecting me towards more suitable feminine tracks, etc
      *Assume that I run to keep a hot body and not because I am athletic

      Basically, it’s general misogyny with “I want smart arm candy” frosting instead of general misogyny with “I want hot arm candy” frosting.

    4. Oh man. My ex would publicly celebrate my accomplishments but privately berate me for working too much, checking my Blackberry too much (yes this was back in those days), not paying enough attention to him, and, his crowning achievement, the day I was offered another job (which he was pushing me to apply for), instead of celebrating with me he started a huge fight because I wouldn’t immediately commit to planning a big trip with him before starting the new job (which I hadn’t even decided whether to accept or not!).
      I think on paper he liked that I had a Big Job, but in private he hated that it took attention away from him.

    5. I participated in the original 2012 thread about that.

      The kind of guy I dated a couple of times (one in particular stands out) wanted a smart, accomplished woman to reflect well on them socially, but it was also important that this woman never be smarter than them or more accomplished than them. She needed to know her place, which was one notch down from him.

      I just wanted a partner I could be myself with, not be in constant competition with, and not tiptoeing on eggshells around.

      I ended up with a man who is proud of me for the things I am good at, and I’m proud of him for the things he’s good at, and fortunately these are different things!!

  5. Where would you look for jewelry for an early 30s husband to buy a present for his wife who is fashionable/trendy, works at big 4, but jewelry can be “fun” not professional. Budget is a few hundred. TIA for ideas!

    2. Something like an antique coin necklace? I like silver metals and a Spanish 2-Real coin from a long time ago really made sense for me (work in finance, love to read history). Silver fits your budget well.

    6. If you happen to be in Houston, High Gloss has a fabulous collection of jewelry and textiles in that price range. They have relationships with small producers and individual artists. You won’t see their products anywhere else. And the two sisters who own the business are lovely.

  6. We moved into a coop last month and have a live-in super. He has been very helpful in some ways, less so in other ways, but overall definitely a net positive in our lives. How much would you tip him for the holidays, given that we’ve only been here a month but he has made our transition smoother? This is Brooklyn, if it matters.

    1. You’re going to be living there for the year…I’d think of tipping as paying it forward for the year so it doesn’t matter if you’ve only been there for a month. It depends on the type of building I think but I’d say 150-200 though some people tip per service instead in which case I suppose you can tip less at year end.

    3. Others may disagree, but I tip BIG to anyone I might really need in the coming year, so I’d be as generous as possible and try to stand out from the standard tips so you jump the line in the future.

    6. Definitely look at it as goodwill for next year. We live in a nice, but not-uber fancy co-op in Manhattan and generally tip our super around $300 (a bit more if he really went out of his way to help us with any big issues during the year). We tip each of the doormen a bit less.

  7. I’m spending the next two months with my parents in a Massachusetts suburb. They’re not very active and don’t seem to have any hobbies and I feel stuck too. Ideally I’d like to spend some quality time with them rather than watch TV everyday and maybe also do a few things solo. Any restaurants or activities recommendations for winter that could get them out of the house and be a good break? All are triple vaccinated and covid is not the problem here, just general lethargy.

        1. Which way 30 miles? I’m betting your roughly within the 495 ring.

          Portsmouth, NH is lovely and so is Newport, RI. Either is great for lunch and just wandering, even in the winter. Love the North End for wandering, too. I’d pick a lunch spot in some location depending on where exactly 30 miles outside takes you. The Isabella Gardner Stewart Museum is interesting. There’s a recent special on… Netflix? .. about the heist. Maybe watch that one night and then go to the museum the following day? That’s something we would do with MIL who is exactly as you describe – general lethargy, fine with ordering in and watching TV her whole visit. We live 15 miles north of Boston and do all of the things I’ve described above. You didn’t mention kids, but we plan to book a morning at the aquarium and do some general wandering around Quincy Market while she’s here the week after Christmas.

    2. I used to live in a western suburb of Boston and enjoyed cross-country skiing at the Weston Ski Track and downhill skiing at Wachusett Mountain. Depending on the location and snow cover you might also be able to go snowshoeing in the neighborhood.

    3. Do they still work? I found that the key to doing something in the evening was never letting my but hit the couch. Once it did: torpor; loss of momentum; etc. Often, don’t go home first, just leave from where you are to do A Thing, even if that means 3 people driving 3 cars.

      1. No they’re retired and home all the time. I’m also working remotely in this period, and have 3 weeks off for the holidays.

    6. Do they want to get out of the house or is that just you?

      You’re not going to go home and try to do a lifestyle makeover on your parents, are you? Because that’s just obnoxious.

      Let people like what they like.

      1. +1

        I would focus on peaceful things that they enjoy. Do a home movie marathon – like watch all the Coen brother’s movies, one every other night etc… Or watch the entire Soprano’s series, one episode every night. Cook dinner together and try to learn all the family recipes with your mom. Have a homemade pizza night every week. Have a dinner out/take out every week, where you take them to a new place you think they would like but haven’t tried yet.

        I would not try to suddenly get them doing winter sports, or learn new hobbies etc… Focus on the ones they have. Honestly, they do have some. Try to find them.

    7. I don’t know how old you are, but if your parents have lots of old photographs lying around, organizing them and writing on the back who’s actually in the pictures could be a nice project to do. Doesn’t get you out of the house, but is more engaging than watching tv.

    8. A few activities that you could do while stuck in the house (possibly with your parents): paint by number kits or other easy craft activities. Jigsaw puzzles. Crosswords.

      Activities out of the house: Movies. Theater. Museums. (There are the big ones like MFA and Isabella Stewart Gardner but there are also the quirky smaller ones at Harvard and I’m sure many others.)

      Activities on your own: Pick up a sport, join a gym, get into Pilates or Barre or water aerobics or yoga.

      And general recommendation: Go easy. Maybe even make up a little schedule with an activity for you and your parents once a week. Give them lots of notice so they can prepare.

      Good luck! I have been stuck with in-laws in the far Boston suburbs during the winter before, and it’s really hard. Those towns (Concord, Sudbury, etc.) are charming but feel so isolating.

    10. There is a FB group called TheBostonCalendar that lists tons of activities each week–usually 50-100. Do that.

      Other things: Isabella Stewart Gardner museum, Walk around North End and have pizza at Antica Forno, ICA, Aquarium, some of the lesser known historical museums, Atheneum, walk around Charles Street and Beacon Hill, Walk around the Public Garden, Freedom Trail in the snow, tons of “outside Boston” attractions like Thoreau/Walden, Lousia May Alcott house, etc. Providence is also super-fun to walk around in certain neighborhoods and eat great food. And Boston has lots of outdoor activities nearby to go XC skiing, or day trip to Kittery Maine for outlets, or Jackson NH or Woodstock NH for a pretty wintery town.

  8. Can anyone recommend one of those coffee warmers that doesn’t require a matching mug, but has intense heat? I’ve been using a candle plate, but it’s giving up the ghost and barely warms anymore. I need something strong since my mouth is made of asbestos and I drink hot beverages at the temperature of the sun. Most of what I’ve found has reviews saying they’re not very effective.

    1. I think you might be better off getting a Yeti mug. Before I pour my coffee in it, I run it under the sink with extra hot water. This helps to keep my hot drink extra hot for several hours (I’m a lazy coffee drinker).

      1. +1 for Yeti, with the MagSlider lid. No hot plate will keep your drink as hot, and any hot plate will make coffee taste scalded.

    2. Looking for something that would deliver the level of heat you’re looking for is rough for a warmer, I might instead make my coffee very hot and put it in a high-quality insulated thermos. I have to take the lid off my Kleen Kanteen mug to let my coffee cool enough that I can drink it.

    3. I recently got a highly-rated mug warmer on A m a z o n that I won’t link here, because I don’t think it’s what you’re looking for. It will keep my coffee warm, but it sounds like what you need is either an Ember mug (which, if you use it every day, the cost-per-use really isn’t all that much) or an insulated mug, like what other folks are suggesting.

      1. I got the Mr. Coffee one on Amazon and am surprised how well it works. I think it keeps my coffee a little too hot, so it might work for you? It’s $12 so probably worth a shot.

      2. I loooove my ember mug. I had a hard time with the price but for something I use every single day, it sparks a lot of joy.

      1. I just can’t with this. I don’t smoke, drink alcohol, or eat added sugar. I’m going to keep enjoying my piping hot coffee, universe.

  9. Help me plan our vacation! This past year my billables have been insanely high, so much so that a partner called me yesterday requesting that I take a week off in January. So here we are:
    Will flying from NYC and want to stay domestic. 2 kids (4 years old and 8 months old). Would love somewhere warm (beach, spa etc.) with decent kids activities options. Prefer not to rent a car. Can go as high as $1k per day on hotel.
    Any ideas? TIA!!

    1. Miami; nothing else will likely be warm. Fontainebleau? It is a bit north of the craziness of South Beach.

    2. I would consider Puerto Rico, or if you are up for a loooong flight, Hawaii. We love the Mauna Kea in Hawaii. We stayed at the Ritz Carlton Dorado Beach in PR a few years ago. It was beautiful, but the prices seem to have gotten crazy since then. Worth checking to see what the prices are like in mid January though.

      For mainland US, the only place with reliably warm weather in January is south Florida IMO.

      1. For Miami, we have stayed at the 1 Hotel and Fontainebleau with kids. Would recommend both.

        2. We stayed at the 1 Hotel sans kids and it was wonderful but seemed like it would be great for families as well.

      2. Hotel Carillon in Miami – it’s in North Beach so way aways from the hub bub but the hotel has a bunch of activities that come with your stay. All of the rooms are suites and spacious and we just cabbed to eat at restaurants when we wanted to go to South Beach which worked out well. Ubers are cheap. I’ll say that we went in January and it was too cold for the beach (high 60s).

        1. You had unusually cold weather. I used to spend a lot of time in Miami and it’s normally mid-high 70s in January. The ocean temperature is usually warmer than the air, and I went swimming in January regularly.

    3. Hawaii if you’re up for the long flight. Friends who’ve been have raved about Disney Aulani resort, and I was on Oahu with a 3 year old in June and visited the Aulani beach. It’s really nice (four separate lagoons that are all very sheltered and good for little kids, with surprisingly decent snorkeling). If you’re staying at a massive resort like that you don’t *need* a car but you’d probably want one so you can explore the rest of the island. But honestly if you want a warm beach in January in US territory, you’re basically limited to Hawaii, southern Florida, Puerto Rico and the USVI and none of those destinations are great for going car-free. Miami or Key West is probably your best bet if you’re bound and determined not to rent a car.

    4. If you want to do Florida but not Miami, and are comfortable with driving, I highly recommend the Florida Keys

    5. What about USVI? I enjoyed the limited time that I spent in St. Thomas.

    6. Do you mind going to PR or the USVI? (Or are you trying to avoid Covid protocols altogether rather than passports?)

      1. Passport! The 8 months old does not have a passport yet and the next available appointment is after the holiday so probably won’t have in time.

      2. I love both, but they are hard without a car, unless you stick to a resort. And if you do decide you’re ok with a car, it might be hard to find one for January in USVI. I don’t know if it’s still this bad, but we booked on about a month’s notice in May and it was a challenge to find rental availability.

    7. no vacation ideas – but your billables have been insanely high with an 8 month old, wow, you must be exhausted! i hope in addition to your vacation you can slow down a bit at the end of this month

    8. no vacation ideas – but your billables have been insanely high with an 8 month old, wow, you must be exhausted/you are super mom! i hope in addition to your vacation you can slow down a bit at the end of this month

    9. I suggest that you consider either bringing a nanny or finding a hotel with a kid club. It can be exhausting to do a beach vacation with littles, and it would be so great for you to have time for you to really rest and read on the beach in addition to the fun of building sand castles and hanging with the baby!

      1. Or you can hire a sitter on location. If you are heading to Hawaii I can recommend Happy Kids as a service and in particular a wonderful woman who works with them. We travelled all the time with 2 kids from the time with infants and loved the beach time but wanted to go out for grown-up dinners so always had a sitter come for the evening. Baby time all day, couple time in the evening – divine!

        1. How did you find local sitter options? This sounds great but I’m not sure how to find someone trustworthy on location. I don’t even have babysitters at home (besides nanny and grandparents). In particular, I’m headed to Marco Island Florida in a few months and would love an evening sitter.

    10. Hawaii. Always Hawaii. The flights are long, but I’ve gone twice with two kids under 4 and have never regretted it. Unpopular opinion, but the beaches in Puerto Rico are bad and I don’t love it as a destination in general, and especially with little kids. Florida is a better bet if you’re not up for the Hawaii journey.

  10. AITA – I am a vegetarian. My MIL visits once a month and brings a pound of bacon for my kids. There is a big presentation and the kids cheer and they all gobble it down with MIL at meals. Then, MIL started ramping it up and started bringing two pounds of bacon, (cooked bc I don’t like to cook meat in my home). Two pounds a month felt like a lot to me and DH talked to her and asked her to only bring about one serving. That way they could have their big celebration and treat, but only once. She followed and brought one serving for one visit. We are back up to one pound. I want to ask again to bring only one serving. AITA? I feel incredibly left out at meal times, I am the only vegetarian. It is almost starting to feel personal. I am happy that grandma has a fun tradition with the kids and I am not trying to stop that altogether, i just don’t want pounds of bacon and feeling left out. I don’t want to teach my kids that its ok to leave someone out like that at a meal.

    2. If we’re doing this Reddit style, YTA – I’ve been a vegetarian for almost 30 years (started in middle school on my own) and have two kids and this doesn’t sound remotely offensive to me, nor does it sound like it’s directed at you.

    3. Maybe I’m coming at this from the perspective of having my own MIL who’s manipulative and loves to play the martyr, but this is manipulative AF. She’s teaching your kids that grandma is fun and mom is a drag, and they can come to her when your household rules are inconvenient and she will “save” them. NTA, your MIL suuuucks.

      1. I disagree. It’s not a household rule that she’s enticing the kids to break, or “saving” then from mom’s rules. The kids are allowed to eat meat, including bacon. Op is just feeling left out because she doesn’t eat it, which is her own issue to deal with. I’ve seen a lot of manipulative grandparent behavior but this ain’t it.

      2. I mean isn’t that sort of the point of grandparents? Within reason, anyway?
        I wasn’t allowed all sorts of things as a kid and my grandmother would throw all that out the window and let me eat cake for breakfast, etc. It was not all the time and I still treasure those memories!

        I’ve had this conversation with my kids’ grandparents and I get that you need boundaries when they see them a lot because a treat isn’t a treat if it becomes a daily/weekly thing but I’d gently push back a little on the idea that grandma is fun and mom is a drag is automatically “manipulative AF”. I am the disciplinarian, the one who says no, and my kids’ grandparents are way more “fun” and lax and permissive and it doesn’t matter one bit because you only get one mom and they will always love me the most and I am not worried about the fact that grandma might be more fun sometimes. I am happy that they get to experience that from time to time and to see that there are many ways to live the day.

        OP, if I were you and I was feeling left out I would just try to make something that you can enjoy at the same time. If everyone is sitting down to eggs and bacon, you can sit down to eggs and fake bacon. I know it’s not the same but if the idea is to not be left out, you can just join in the general experience. It’s why they invented veggie burgers and decaf coffee and sugar free cheesecake.

        On the other hand, if it’s not really about being left out, but just annoyance at having your MIL bring 2 lbs of bacon to your house (which I get!) and having to listen to all the bacon gushing (ditto!), well, that’s a different issue. And you should talk to your husband and maybe even your MIL, but identify the issue first. Don’t dress it up as “I’m left out” when really you’re just annoyed because she’s taking this bacon thing to an extreme.

      3. My mom was intensely jealous of my relationships with everyone in our family who wasn’t her. Don’t be my mom and let your kids have something fun with Grandma.

    4. I’m also a vegetarian, but I don’t blame you for starting to feel like she’s doing this at you. Doing it once in a while would be fine, but making such a big deal about it is weird and sets up bad attitudes about celebrating “forbidden” food. Two pounds of bacon is a lot!

      2. It’s not a lot for a weeklong visit though (scroll down). Cooked bacon is pretty indestructable.

      3. I agree. I am vegetarian. I wouldn’t be opposed to MIL indulging the kids in occasional bacon treats, but two pounds?! It feels obnoxious, and I agree that it feels personal.

        Imagine how different it would feel if MIL had figured out a fun vegetarian treat to spoil the kids with. That would feel a lot more respectful.

        1. But…why? The kids aren’t vegetarian. Why does MIL only need to bring them vegetarian treats? I don’t understand this line of thinking at all.

    5. NTA since you are saying it’s ok for them to bring one serving as a treat.

      However your last sentence – if you follow a particular diet, there are going to be lots of times when you’re in a group of people who are eating stuff you don’t. While “rubbing it in” is rude (it sounds like the big hoopla over the bacon may be more of a problem than the bacon itself?), simply having the majority of people at a table eating something is not.

      1. I simultaneously think this is really rude (it annoys me that every year, my MIL sends a box of milk chocolate I can’t eat) and wishing your MIL would bring me bacon? My husband is a lifelong veggie, kiddo and I are omnivorous and we’ve come to an agreement on meat – I don’t ask him to touch it but it gets cooked in the house.

      2. Limiting the precise quantity of food someone can bring to your house is an a-hole move though. I mean sure if MIL were showing up with cases of bacon and taking over their freezer space it would be fine to ask her to tone it down. But one pound is a standard package size and takes up virtually no space, so telling her she can only bring “one serving” (whatever that means) is controlling and rude.

        1. lol fair point. We buy our bacon by the # of slices at our butcher so I’d forgotten that a grocery store package is a pound.

          I’d be satisfied with Grandma sticking to a pound. So it stays a special treat!

    6. I’m a vegetarian, too. Are you guys eating a meal of only bacon? I feel like it’s a side item or an ingredient in a sandwich, so I don’t know that I’d find it deliberately exclusionary. But I definitely get annoyed by my in laws, so I could see this being annoying. If she brings too much just tell her that it goes to waste and gets thrown out before you can eat it all.

      1. OP here – great question. A lot of times the bacon is presented as a snack where that is the only thing being consumed. Sometimes it is in addition to a meal. The celebration and talk about it, how it was selected, prepared, texture, taste, how it compares to last month’s bacon…all of that leaves me feeling out.

        1. If my parents are willing to do something with my kids that leaves me out amazing. I’ll take it. Can you just do something else during that snack time? Isn’t time away from your kids gold or is it just me?

          1. Not just you. I don’t eat pork and if someone wants to show up at my house with 10 pounds of bacon and talk to my kid about bacon for hours while I read or take a bath I would be ALL IN. Op’s reaction is hella weird. Let the kids enjoy this special time with grandma, and savor the time for yourself.

        3. I don’t drink beer, so I do not enjoy it when other people discuss beer this way.

          I do eat bacon, so I would really enjoy comparing different kinds of bacon this way. I actually do sample coffee this way, and yeah I’m sure people who don’t drink coffee or don’t care about it aren’t interested!

          I am not sure there’s a way around in this in life? I am left out when people talk about football because my interest in football is zilch, but I also don’t make myself sit there and pretend to be interested.

        4. I find the bacon obsession to be weird but I think it’s fine for grandma and the kids to have their own special thing. My in laws bring plenty of stuff just for the kids .

    7. Generally, as the only vegetarian, you will likely often be eating something different at mealtimes, but maybe don’t label it as people are excluding you. You are each eating different things and no one is eating at you.

      I had to be on a special diet recently for medical reasons and in our household of 4, it would have been hard to mandate that everyone eat what I was eating. They weren’t excluding me though. Like at a restaurant, we were just eating different things.

      [If MIL were bringing sweets not bacon, would it rub you the wrong way? Can you not freeze the bacon and dispense periodically? [Our legit rationale for this is that “X gets the runs if he eats too much food like this (X being the dog, but whatever). Like just treat it is if it is two pies vs one pie vs one servicing of pie.]

      1. I think it doesn’t matter what the food is. As a vegetarian in a family of meat eaters that also includes people with celiac, it’s pretty normal for people to eat different things. But I’ve never had a family member repeatedly bring a food item one person can’t eat and make a big deal of it every time while the other person just sits there and watches. We always try to come up with plenty of options for everyone to make them feel included.

        1. We have a family where one person doesn’t eat any candy but plain chocolate. If someone comes with something that everyone else loves, we don’t stop anyone else from partaking. We do always have plain chocolate for the plain chocolate eater. Everyone is happy.

          I feel like this is like our Canadian family bringing maple candy and they aren’t bringing it at anyone when they come even though not everyone eats is. I just think: more for me. If there is a very large candy amount, it becomes like Halloween and we have a daily allotment until it is gone. It’s not that hard.

          1. But would they bring candy if they knew a family member was struggling with keeping their blood sugar under control because they have diabetes? In that case, I might still bring candy, but I’d also bring something more suitable for the person who couldn’t eat the candy. It’s the only bringing bacon on every single visit and making such a big deal of it that’s the problem, not that they’re eating meat at all, which I think would be fine. It’s deliberately exclusionary.

          2. No, it’s not deliberately exclusionary. It’s a treat for the non-veggies of the household. One of my SILs is an obnoxious GF-by-choice tyrant. When they visit, I have the processed GF garbage she likes to eat on hand, but I also have real bread and treats for my other SIL who gratefully enjoys them.

          4. If you’re op I think your analogy is off. You’re not going to die if you wear bacon (not that I’m suggesting you should do that) so this isn’t a medical issue for you.

            1) people don’t generally eat food at you. If they’re not vegetarian and you are, they’re just enjoying something that’s ok on their diet and your objections to this are making something about you that is not about you.

            2) if your MIL really is that manipulative, the last thing you want to do anyway is give her a win. Just ignore it, stop policing it, stop reacting. The more you react the more she will push your buttons. If that’s what she’s doing, but honestly, maybe she just likes bacon, has discovered your kids like bacon, and enjoys having bacon with them.

          5. This isn’t a medical issue and the analogy to bringing sugar to a diabetic’s house is waaaaaaaaaaay off base. This is why people think vegetarians are insufferable.

          6. I get that being a vegetarian isn’t the same thing as diabetes, I was just going with the candy example and that was the most obvious reason someone wouldn’t eat candy, but my answer would be the same if I knew one person wouldn’t eat the candy just because they specifically hated it. I bring gifts to make people happy and to show I’m thinking of them, so I would never make such a big deal out something that I knew excluded someone else. Bringing the candy or the bacon or whatever is fine. It’s only bringing bacon and obsessing about it that’s weird and exclusionary. The MIL has every right to do it, but it’s definitely sending a message that she doesn’t really care about DIL. MIL-DIL relationships are always a little fraught, so if I were MIL, I would go out of my way to make her feel like I cared about her preferences, rather than deliberately excluding her. If this was the OP’s mom rather than MIL, I think it might not come off quite as badly.

          7. I guess I see it less as excluding the DIL and more about just focusing on the kids, which in my world is 1000% normal grandma behavior. If it were mainly a gift for her DH, then I think it’s a little weirder and more fraught.

    8. I think this is a suck it up moment. You’ve chosen to be vegetarian, your kids and (presumably) husband aren’t, you’re going to miss out on meat related traditions, it’s ok, buy yourself a special vegetarian friendly treat and have it at the same time. Also, you were fine with a pound of bacon, she went to two, you requested go back to one pound, and she did without fuss. I don’t think it serves you to ask her to bring less.
      HOWEVER, you’re Mom and it is perfectly reasonable to restrict how much processed meat your kids have in one sitting. A pound of bacon is an insane amount of meat even split between four people. Let them split it up across some days.

    9. I feel like you are a bit of TA here in reacting as if they are having bacon joy at you. Bacon freezes well, so just freeze the excess and move on.

      MIL is probably enjoying pushing your buttons (so is TA also) a bit.

    10. I don’t think anyone is an a-h*le here; everyone’s feelings are understandable. If it appeared at every meal that would bug me too. I have no idea how much bacon a pound is (it sounds like a lot) but would it be gone if there were single meal of nothing but bacon? During that one meal you should get to leave the house for some personal time (or get exclusive use of some house space to enjoy a hobby or whatever) and your husband/MIL/kids can enjoy the bacon fest *and* clean up after it.

      As to feeling left out, are the kids saying “ha ha Mom doesn’t get any bacon?” or the like? If so, that’s a different issue. If the kids are not actively being rude I wouldn’t worry about it. They will understand that it’s a fun thing they do only with Grandma. FWIW both my mom and ILs have things they do to indulge their respective grandkids that we don’t like and/or won’t do. We hear from the kids how the grandparents are so nice and fun (compared to us!) but not about how we didn’t get to have or do the thing.

    11. Sorry but I think you’re being a bit of a jerk here. Non-vegetarians eating meat isn’t “leaving you out.” Different people eat different things, and it’s not rude to bring a gift the kids will like even if you don’t eat it. Fwiw I’m mostly pescatarian and don’t eat pork at all but wouldn’t be offended if my MiL showed up with bacon as long as she wasn’t expecting me to eat it. Of course if you are halal or kosher and don’t want pork in your house then it’s a different story.

      1. Same. You don’t get to control other people. You can run things in your house (portion out; put the leftovers away in the fridge). Time for you to adult vs vent.

    12. I have to say it’s very hard for me as a non-vegetarian to understand the issue with “more bacon.” This would have been heaven for me as a child. I am not sure there’s any reason to draw a line between one amount of bacon vs. another (my husband sometimes eat two packages of bacon a month, and we’re just two people?).

      I have some food restrictions (gluten, sugar/carbs), so I’m left out of just about every dessert tradition that exists. I think it would drive me mad to wonder whether people were eating sweets at me, even if this is sometimes the case (these particular medical restrictions really annoy some people, much like vegetarianism really annoys some people). It’s also awkward if people accommodate by making everyone eat my diet or by denying the treat to everyone. I guess I think it is okay to leave people out at meals because it’s better than any alternatives I know of (from my perspective as the person frequently left out)?

      So even if this is passive aggressively motivated, I guess to me it seems like a bit of a trap since she’s putting you in the position of trying to take away something positive? I disagree that it’s sending the message that “Mom is a drag,” or at least, I never once thought that way about things we only got to do or have w/my grandma (do other people draw that conclusion when there are grandma-only or aunt-only traditions?).

      1. Agreed, the idea that grandma is somehow hurting mom by doing something fun with kids or bringing kids a treat is insanely weird. Do people here not have grandparents? This is a universal grandparent thing.

        1. Right? I see my mom with my nephew and it’s like who is this woman with here over-the-top treats? But that is the whole point. Our kids grandmothers are 8 and 12 hours away. Even seeing grandma is a treat, but when she gives you a cupcake with a candle on it because you are a bit hungry, I melt. Santa isn’t real but bacon grandma is.

    13. If your kids aren’t vegetarians, why are you limiting meat for them (esp. if you don’t like to cook it in your house)? Portion sizes are a different issue it seems.

    14. OP, is it special bacon? From her area or some special farm? I ask because there are bacon aficionados who source bacon from the best farms/smokers/butchers, etc. How many kids do you have? 1 lb to have at breakfast with 4 or more people is not that much and one in the freezer for a special treat is OK too…..I am not a vegetarian, but I am a healthy eater and in my family, people are often eating different things….some like bacon. I think this is an opportunity to teach the kids about bacon being a special treat that we have once in a while as part of our healthy diet – make this a moderation lesson.

    15. It’s once a month, your kids like it, and you’re the only vegetarian in the house. I think you’re making something about you that isn’t about you.

    16. You are mostly TA in this scenario. Your MIL is a little bit of TA as well because she has sensed a vulnerability and is exploiting it. If you are bound and determined to take away her joy in bringing home the bacon for your kids, I’d pre-empt her by regularly serving precooked bacon to your kids so her bacon is no longer special. You can buy precooked bacon at any grocery store and reheat it in the microwave. It’s actually quite good.

      1. I don’t think she’s “exploiting a vulnerability.” Maybe she just … likes bacon and likes making her grandkids happy by bringing them bacon? Why are people so quick to assume bad intent on the MIL’s part?

        I think it’s a real d!ck move to start giving your kids bacon regularly so her visits won’t be as special. Why ruin this joy for them and her? The grandparent-grandkid relationship is so special.

    17. Is there a vegetarian bacon alternative that you would happily eat? I mean, yes, ideally MIL would also find a way to include you in something that is special to her, but not everyone thinks that way. (My mother always brings ethnic food treats for us, which she knows the Husband won’t eat, but the kids love, and we just roll with it.) I wouldn’t say you are TA because feeling resentful doesn’t make you TA; it’s what you do with that resentment.
      How is your relationship the rest of the time? If this is the only thing that bothers your about MIL, then I would probably let it go. (Or send Husband to suggest bacon alternatives to include, or have Husband talk to his mother, or lightly suggest alternatives yourself.) If it’s part of a larger pattern of excluding you, that’s certainly another issue.
      You are not teaching your kids to leave people out, your MIL is. I’m sure you can find many ways to teach them to be inclusive and kind the other 29 or 30 days of the month.

    19. She’s doing that thing where she looks reasonable but is sufficiently “off” so as to push someone’s buttons.

      A pound of bacon every month is a LOT of bacon. Making the special food one you do not eat, and doing this every month, is weird.

      Now, I am of the belief that there are few in-law problems; most of them are spouse problems. Your husband can be loving and supportive, but when his mom is being weird and making you uncomfortable, it’s his job to stick up for you.

      If I were him, I would very matter-of-factly remove the excess bacon and say “I think that’s mote than enough bacon for kiddos.” He can ask her to bring a treat that everyone enjoys. It is tiring because parents acting that way think that they will win and also know how to push buttons that infantalise their adult child. Stand up, stand firm, don’t make a big deal out of it, keep asserting the boundary.

      1. A pound of bacon is not a lot, FYI. It’s one standard grocery store package of bacon.

        Asking MIL to bring “one serving” is less convenient than just bringing a whole sealed package.

      2. In our house, a pound of bacon cooks down to not a whole lot of actual bacon. It is easily gone b/w breakfast and a lunch of BLTs. Are you quite sure it’s not a pound of actual bacon vs one cooked package of bacon?

      3. A pound of bacon is not that much. It’s about 30 strips and it would be normal to cook that amount of bacon if you were having a group of 8-10 people over for brunch. Sounds like there are at least four bacon-eaters in the family so this is at most two or three meals worth of bacon per person.

        I guess I don’t really see how this is any different than MIL bringing any other treat for the kids that the adults don’t happen to like. If you prefer dark chocolate and your kid loves white chocolate do you get deeply offended when MIL shows up with white chocolate for the kid? Because I sure don’t. I mean, yes, ideally a guest would bring a treat that everyone could enjoy, but I don’t think it’s that rude or uncommon for a grandparent to bring something that’s really just for the kids.

        1. I think the reason people don’t bring stuff for grownups is that we can get what we want at the store any time we want to. Kids don’t have that so of course they get the treats. One aunt would always get me a jumbo package of Great Stripe gum and she was the coolest aunt. And I’m glad my parents weren’t all pissy about it b/c she didn’t bring more gum or some other treats (they are not gum chewers at all) for them.

          1. Yeah exactly! I can walk into the store and by myself whatever, kids can’t. And it’s good for grandparent-grandkid bonding too for kids to have a special treat from grandma to look forward to.

          2. The only time I’d factor in grownups is if it is something not available locally (maple candy from Canada; maybe some other regional or seasonal specialties) or is something special that you make a certain way. But this is BACON we’re talking about.

    20. I would unpack a bit what the “feeling left out” is about. I was a vegetarian for 7+ years, and I confess that I never felt left out when people were digging into celebratory meat (which is, after all, the center of a lot of festive meals in the US). The fact that they were jointly enjoying something that I didn’t want or enjoy didn’t make me feel left out because being included wouldn’t have made me happy. Part of being a vegetarian in a non-vegetarian family is not participating in some aspects of family life and accepting that it’s your own choice to do that.

      Would you feel better or differently if your MIL also brought some kind of treat for you? If so, then maybe your husband can gently suggest that. If not and the “left out” feeling for you is more about the fact that your kids are enjoying something that doesn’t involve you, that’s a “you” thing that I think you probably need to dig into and ultimately get past. Any chance it feels like your kids’ excitement about the bacon is a rejection of you and your vegetarianism? Particularly if that’s morally driven for you, I can understand how that would feel personal. But that’s still a “you” issue, not an issue about your kids.

      If your relationship with your MIL is otherwise good, in the absence of other evidence I would default to assuming that she’s bringing it because they like it and she’s not doing this “at” you.

      2. OP here- I really appreciate all of the responses so far. You all are always so insightful and are helping me think through things. I have to add a fact, MIL visits for at least a week at a time, so it’s hard to serve just one portion and put it away. She’s here and pulls it out whenever and would notice (and cry) if we froze it.

        1. What’s the issue with having it frequently? Are you worried about your kids eating too much? Because that’s a different issue than you feeling left out. If it’s just about being left out I think you have to let it go.

        2. Um, is it possible that the bigger issue here is that your MIL comes every month for an entire week (if I’m reading that correctly)? Any chance part of the issue is the strain associated with this much visiting, rather than this specific issue?

        3. Bacon has so much salt in it that we just leave cooked bacon out on the counter for snacks (under a paper towel; on a plate). If she’s just having it for her and to share during her visit, is it that different than me showing up with my own special caffeine drink at a house where no adults drink coffee? I bring enough to share but I do travel in my own particular way even if I’m staying in someone’s house. [I would not smoke weed in someone’s house, but a common food item I feel is different.]

          2. Cooked bacon though? We have one branch of the family that doesn’t put cooked bacon or butter in the fridge. They go through each quickly enough and I like that the butter is always very spreadable. I’ve decided they are hearty farm people and they live long enough that it’s not hurting their systems.

          4. Yes, you definitely need to refrigerate cooked bacon. There is shelf stable cooked bacon but you still need to refrigerate that after opening the package. Butter is ok to leave at room temp for a couple days.

        4. Can DH not talk to her and say, “Look, we just don’t eat that much bacon at a time in our house, we freeze it so we can enjoy it even when you’re not here and think of you,” so that you can freeze bacon in your own house?

      3. +2

        I am the only vegan in my family and close local friend group. I have never felt left out no matter what they are eating. My dietary choices are my choices only and no one is eating a pepperoni pizza AT me or to exclude me! They just aren’t. I made my choice and am comfortable with it so don’t have any food envy or whatever.

    22. I think it’s a little weird that her tradition with the kids is something that specifically excludes you. Why does the treat always have to be the same thing? Agree with the others that this is DH’s issue to solve with his mom. It’s not that she’s in the wrong, it’s that it’s not the most considerate action in her part.

      1. I get motion sick easily and can’t go on spinny rides. My kids love spinny rides. Very grateful to have a BIL who is “take the kids to the amusement park and go on all of the spinny rides,” each time he comes which they love. It’s OK that a kid tradition doesn’t include the grownups. They aren’t doing this AT me. Let them have their grandma bacon joy.

        1. +1 million. I feel like I’m a very sensitive person who gets offended easily but this honestly wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. Especially because she’s cooking it at her house so you don’t even have to deal with the mess! Can we trade MILs? (Mine a lovely person but always wants to cook things at my house and makes a big mess.)

      2. Actually, I think it’s better to have a tradition with the kids that the parents aren’t into. My sister has no patience for movies, so I’m the aunt that takes my nieces to the movies. It’s makes for an extra special treat.

        1. My sister always had gum for my kids when they were little. I preferred she give them sugar free but didn’t insist. It was great. I never think to buy it because I’m just not a gum person, and when I did buy it, my kids would go through a whole pack in a day, so it was perfect that the gum was a once-in-a-while Special Auntie Treat.

        1. A sandwich shop I can’t easily get to has a bacon-cheddar-avocado sandwich with shredded lettuce on excellent bread and now I can think of nothing else.

      2. I just got bacon out of the freezer. The bacon was from my sister as a Thanksgiving hostess gift.

        Why yes, we do raise hogs and have intense discussions about which hogs produce the best bacon, which butcher is the best, thickness of the slice, best way to prepare it, how cooked it should be…

    24. She cooks the bacon at home so it won’t mess up and stink up your house? Best grandma ever!

      1. Yeah. The “would you bring a sugary treat to a diabetic’s house?” is what did it for me. Vegetarianism is a choice. A perfectly valid choice that others should respect. But to equate it to taunting a person with a medical issue who could end up hospitalized or dead if they eat the food item in question is deeply offensive.

        1. Btw, it’s not true that people with diabetes can’t eat sugar at all. There’s a difference between type I and type II, and many diabetics do limit sugar to some extent, but most can eat some candy, just not a lot. I picked that example because it went with the previous example about candy, but also because I have close family members with diabetes, celiac disease, and GI conditions that mean they can’t eat spicy food, in addition to vegetarians and people with other strong food aversions, so I’m used to thinking about how to include all those dietary needs and preferences. It doesn’t matter why they don’t eat something, I try to make family meals and treats include everyone. That doesn’t mean that everyone eats the same thing, but it’s not regularly leaving one person out.

        1. If that’s the issue though, she should use her words and say that rather than pretending it’s about the bacon. Fwiw, this amount of visiting is perfectly normal in some cultures and OP hasn’t said where she lives or what race she is.

      4. Surprised by the number of people who’ve taken “bacon Grandma’s” side. I can’t imagine routinely showing up as a guest in someone’s home, especially my daughter-in-law’s home, with a “treat” that the hostess can’t eat, and making a huge production out of establishing a tradition that excludes her. Sounds super rude — maybe Grandma is just insensitive, or maybe she’s really passive aggressive.

        1. I am surprised by this as well—I think the OP would be perfectly fine to say that one serving with a balanced meal per day (or even per visit) is fine, but any more is not okay with her as a part of their diet on a regular basis. I think people can get a little intense about bacon—if this question was about another food that was equivalent in nutrition if people would feel the same way. I do think that “grandparents spoil the children” doesn’t work quite as well when the grandparent is staying with them a full week each month.

          1. I don’t have health concerns about kids eating bacon on this timeline, or any other food that is equivalent in nutrition.

          2. My parents are local and generally keep my kid home from daycare 1-2 days per weeks, and they still spoil her to some degree. Obviously they enforce some behavioral rules and routines at their house or it would be utter chaos. But they give her more junk food and are looser on bedtime and things like that than we are, and from talking to friends who have local grandparents or grandparents who visit frequently it’s not an uncommon. Even if the grandparent spends a lot of time with the kids, it’s still a very different relationship than a parent-child one.

        2. IT”S NOT A HOSTESS GIFT THOUGH. It’s a Grandma Treat. Different rules for that.

        3. A lot of people have issues with vegetarians. Notice that half the responses are “mmmm, bacon” and the other half are making sure everyone knows that diabetes is a legitimate reason to restrict your diet but vegetarianism is not. Like it matters – if someone is most definitely not eating a subgroup of foods, maybe just don’t be disrespectful of that.

          1. If the mom had diabetes and wouldn’t let her kids have candy, I’d applaud grandma for giving them candy as a treat too.

          2. Now you sound like one of those vegetarians. If OP and her entire family were vegetarians then your logic might apply. But her husband and kids aren’t, MIL has already complied with OP’s wish for the bacon not to be cooked at her house, and it’s clearly a treat her kids expect and enjoy. OP has now decided to be offended by this. No one questioned the legitimacy of OP being vegetarian.

          3. But her kids aren’t vegetarians and nowhere did she suggest she doesn’t want the kids consuming bacon. If Grandma were breaking a house rule, I agree it’s different. But she’s not.

            Literally no one said vegetarians can’t restrict their own diets. They just can’t enforce those restrictions on other people. I think it’s mind-boggling to expect no one to consume bacon in your home just because you choose not to eat it. I don’t eat pork and think bacon is totally gross, but I’m completely team Grandma here. My MIL brings my kid consumable treats all the time that I don’t particularly like and I think it’s great. They have their own relationship. It’s not about me or OP.

          4. She is not asking to restrict anyone’s diet except her children in her home—of course she has the right to do so.

          5. This isn’t about her children’s diet. She has said she’s fine with them eating bacon. It would have been a completely different question if she said “I don’t want my children eating bacon, but my MIL is ignoring my request and giving them bacon.” She doesn’t want other people eating (or discussing!) bacon in HER presence because she “feels left out” – direct quote. This is about HER feelings as a vegetarian, not her kids, and it’s completely deranged. I have lots of friends with special diets (including vegetarian and vegan, Celiac, pregnant women who can’t eat various foods, etc) and no one has ever said ” you can’t eat this food in front of me because I’ll feel left out.”

        4. This isn’t a “hostess gift” though, it’s a grandparent giving their grandkids a gift. My parents, MIL and SIL have never brought me a hostess gift and I think it’s super weird to expect one from close family. But they often show up at my house with things for my kid. I cannot imagine getting jealous of the gifts they’re giving a 3 year old and demanding they produce a gift for me or take away the kid gifts.

    26. Honestly surprised people are being hostile to you about this. It’s a basic boundary, and I don’t think you should have to defend asking your MIL not to feed your kids *two pounds* of bacon every time they visit. I’m a meat-eating midwesterner and I find this really odd, agree with the commenter who wrote she’s “teaching your kids that grandma is fun and mom is a drag.”

      1. Yeah, there’s something about this scenario that feels off and weird (on the MIL’s part, not the OP).

        1. This vegetarian agrees. OP, I think you’re being treated more harshly than is called for.

          I am not one of “those” vegetarians! My wife isn’t a vegetarian. I don’t ask or expect people to prepare special food for me. I quietly eat vegetarian food and mind my own business and I never make disparaging comments about what the people around me eat! And…I cannot imagine my mother or my MIL, neither of whom are vegetarians, behaving in this manner.

        2. Right, I find this scenario really strange. My sister in law doesn’t like spicy foods. I wouldn’t deliberately bring spicy food or hot sauce to her kids every time I go over and insist it is available at all times. If her kids are at my house or out with me, sure I will get them spicy food if they want, but that isn’t what is happening here.

          1. DH and I don’t drink coffee and my SIL and MIL bring their own coffee when they visit our house. It doesn’t offend us – why would it? They don’t offer it to my child because she’s a toddler, but if I had a 16 year old who liked coffee and they shared some with her, I wouldn’t be offended. It’s no skin off my nose for them to drink and enjoy coffee, including with other members of my family who drink it.

          2. I think the elephant in the room is that eating decisions may be based on strongly held beliefs about the morality or health of eating certain items of food. The OP may feel that eating meat is wrong but not willing to impose those beliefs on other people, including her family, but it could still make her uncomfortable to see bacon routinely eaten in her home. She may feel that her morals are not understood or are being explicitly rejected by her MIL or family, but frankly, given the responses here I am not surprised if she isn’t comfortable saying so.

    27. Where I live a regular size pack of bacon is around 110-140 grams. That’s in the quarter pound range, and this MIL’s two pounds of bacon would mean 8 packs! Wanting to come as a guest bringing 8 packs of bacon is amazingly weird. 4 packs is still a massive amount of bacon for a small family. I know some people even buy novelty bacon tooth paste, but that’s just too much bacon IMO. But I don’t think this is about bacon.

      OP, I think you need to suck it up. This is not a teachable moment where granny should take the fall. If there is a teachable element, it’s for you stop taking it personally that your family really enjoy meat as a treat and enjoy talking about and making a fuss over their meat. It’s a good thing to be exited to discuss where the meat your kids eat comes from, that will make them more educated consumers.

      If it helps, stop thinking about it as BACONGATE, and start labelling it granny’s meat treat in your head. It could easily have been meatballs for visit 1, bolognese for visit 2, hot dogs for visit 3, steak for visit 4 – you would have still be vegetarian, and still not wanted to eat the treat. It’s not about the bacon.

    29. This might be my favorite commenting thread ever. I also just added bacon to my whole foods order.

      Also – yea YTA – grandma sounds great. It’s nice when grandparents have special traditions with their grandchildren (and only with the grandchildren i.e., excluding the parents). Your kids are very lucky to still have a grandparent, and especially one who visits often and brings them joy in the form of bacon.

  11. I’m in desperate need of a vacation after February. My dream vacation is hiking in the desert followed by a yoga class and spending the afternoon with a drink and book by the pool. Doesn’t need to be super fancy but relaxing with some activity. I don’t want to spend $1,200 a night like Miraval though. Any suggestions for this type of vacation in the US or someplace with good covid protocols?

    2. My cousin just went to Enchantment Resort in Sedona and it looked like it would work here! The pictures were amazing.

    3. A friend went to Ten Thousand Waves in NM for her birthday. No pool, I think, but hot tubs and what looks like an amazing spa.

      1. Yes it’s amazing. Santa Fe in February is cold! Like. Expect snow. But if you’re down with that it’s great.

    4. Palm Springs – I’d stay at the Parker or the Ace hotel. Take a hike in Joshua tree, go back to the hotel for yoga and then relax by the pool with a cocktail. You can walk/bike to good restaurants in town. If you want to get rowdier, Pappy and Harriets is a lot of fun.

    5. I booked Miraval in January for $650 a night, so it’s definitely pricy but literally half what you quoted. Civana is supposed to be cheaper than Miraval, I think more in the $300-400 range.

    6. I went to CIVANA with a friend in AZ – it was perfect for this. Amaziing yoga classes, good hiking trips, great food, pool.

      1. Stay at a place with a really nice pool, good room service (both pool-side and to your room) and have low expectations about doing anything else.

      2. Check if these are still open, but a few years ago we took our kids to the Children’s Museum and the Science Center in Phoenix and both were great.

    8. If you are looking for a location with good COVID protocols, I would skip Arizona. I live in Arizona and basically at this point it is treated as if COVID does not exist, even though our hospitals are nearing capacity.

    10. This is my perfect day and I try to do this on my birthday every year. I go to the Boulders Resort and Spa in Scottsdale. I am not sure of the rates in February but they are probably high but not $1200 a night.

  12. Would anyone with knowledge on this kind of thing be willing to point me toward some informational resource? Trying to figure out my risks and obligations. Situation: I’m on an alumni board. After joining the board, I found out that a 501c3 had been established for the board years ago. Previous board did not do anything with it but did not dissolve it, as I understand the entity has now lost its tax exempt status from years of failure to file?
    I didn’t know about this entity still existing before joining the board, and have never seen (or signed!) any documents regarding it.
    What are my obligations here?

    1. You have no obligations. Presumably, someone on the board created the 501(c)(3) to accept tax-free donations or the like. If the 501(c)(3) never really stood up, never really did anything, then it has no liability, and if it never filed annual reports, then yes, the government terminated it. If it ever did accept donations, then there are tax filings due. But if it never did anything, then consider it just a footnote in the board’s history.

  13. Suggestions for a girl’s weekend away? We’d be coming from the northeast and we basically want to sit on a beach, read books, and eat seafood.

      1. If it’s the springtime and you really want a cute aesthetic, I would try Seaside / 30A but avoid the actual spring break week when it’s ultra crowded with families. 360Blue has cute homes for rent and I believe Seaside just opened their own hotel. Rosemary Beach / The Pearl is also lovely.

        1. Spring Break isn’t one week though, it varies based on state and school district. There’s a peak in mid-late March but generally you have spring break crowds from early March to mid April.

    2. Turks and Caicos if you’re willing to go international. Miami or Puerto Rico if not. If you are going later in the spring/summer, I would also recommend Bermuda, Sea Island and Kiawah, but all three are too cold for the beach in the winter.

  14. Has anyone with acne-prone skin found success with the Paula’s Choice Clear line (the turquoise bottles)?

    1. I LOVE that line. It’s gentle, fragrance free, and a decent price. I’d recommend getting the moisturizer also, which is not included as part of the kit. Anecdotal, but I have not had issues with acne since about 6 weeks after I started using it about 7 months ago. Not sure if there are any other factors at play, though.

    2. PC 2% BHA (liquid or gel) is my ride or die—I think that’s part of the acne set. I use her benzoyl peroxide as a spot treatment (too drying on my sensitive skin otherwise). I also love the Vit C serum fwiw, though nothing to improve acne there.

  15. Any concrete tips for ending micromanagement from higher-ups? I’m a senior level associate in an in-house type position, and my higher-ups (all attorneys) trust my judgment and work product based on really positive feedback. But the micromanagement is intense. A recent lateral to my office described our higher-ups as the most intense client she’s ever worked for. They want updates after most calls with opposing counsel; red line for merely style but not substance; and second guess decisions about non-major issues. Meanwhile, they wait to give strategic feedback until major inflection points, like a filing in a case or halfway through settlement negotiations, and offer very little training or mentorship. This makes me suspect that they micromanage out of their own anxiety, not because they’re invested in the case. I’ve looked up online tips for ending micromanagement, and maybe the hive has more ideas!

    1. Quit. Honestly, if it’s that bad. I find micromanagement is not about who is being managed but about the manager. I don’t know if it’s a personality trait, but kind of? I cannot be responsible for managing someone else’s anxiety or modifying someone else’s personality. It likely will not end thanks to anything you do. I think you deal with it, find a new manager or find a new job.

      1. +1 there is a zero percent chance this environment would work for me. You’re not going to change this.

    2. I’ve found with clients like these, it’s useful to give them more of what they want so you don’t get the random requests. If they’re asking for a lot of updates, proactively send them even if they aren’t interesting (FYI, talking to opposing counsel this afternoon and plan to advance XYZ argument as we discussed); if they want to review pleadings, send an early version so you don’t get caught at filing time, etc. I think the client has a right to micromanage if they want to, and all you can do is control the timing better. By being proactive about it, you serve the ball v returning it, to make a tennis analogy.

      1. This is good advice, but I also think you can’t really change the amount of time / effort it takes to work with micro managers, you can just have slightly more control over the dynamic. So either you can deal with it or need to leave – don’t expect a grand transformation.

    1. Oh man. She’s definitely TA and I say that as someone who hates romance in general and Emily Henry in particular (I know preteens who write better!)

    2. I died laughing over it, in part because I find Brandon Sanderson unreadable. It’s a style of fantasy I just can’t bear – it feels like I tripped and fell into someone’s long-running Dungeons & Dragons campaign. But I would happily buy a Brandon Sanderson novel for my Secret Santa if that was what she asked for, because I’m not a jerk and understand that other people can happily enjoy things that are absolutely not to my taste.

    3. Getting mad when somebody doesn’t react the way you want to your gift is definitely an AH move. Especially in this case when it’s somebody she barely knows and she already thinks she knows better.

      1. That said, a gift exchange where you just buy your coworker something from a list they’ve made seems pretty lame.

        1. Why? They’ve told you what they want? In this particular case there were four options. Why would you need to choose a different option altogether in order to impose your taste on someone?

          1. That’s obviously not at all what I said. I don’t think the gift exchange itself sounds very fun when you only pick from a list. Sounds transactional.

        2. Yeah, I agree that it’s weird to have a list of specific gifts. Then the gift giver is obviously weird and the recipient is also weird for vocally complaining about not liking a gift at work. These people should buy themselves what they want and not participate.

          1. If it’s an office situation, they may have agreed to give a list of ideas/general things they’d like so people aren’t totally flying blind.

        3. Disagree. I did a secret Santa a few years ago where we filled out questionnaires and were asked to list three things we’d love to get. One of my items was “hiking socks” and my secret Santa got me the best, most amazing hiking socks I’ve ever gotten, that I didn’t even know existed. I got exactly what I wanted and was very happy. And we avoided a situation where someone had to post something on social media asking if they were an a-hole, which I feel is valuable in this day and age.

    5. that story sounds fake. It sounds like a dude living in a basement somewhere pretending to speak like a normal, office-working woman.

      3. I also thought a man wrote it. “I figure if she likes to read then she’d be happy to broader her horizons” was what made me think “Yep. Man is writing this.”

        I am also stabby. I want to read what I want to read and my reading life is not an improvement project for a coworker. I mean, I don’t know that I personally would put romance books on a list for a coworker to get me but generally if I put books on a list I want those books.

        If he INSISTED on fantasy- which is a YTA move- get something like Court of Thorns and Roses, which is an actual romance (sort of. I disagree. But it was sold as a romance). There are even lists on romance sites of best fantasy romance books- the She Reads Romance website has one!

    6. One of the authors in the “romance” category has offered to send Sara an autographed copy!

    7. One of the comments said “That’s not how presents work!” As the champion of “you don’t get to decide what someone does with your gift” around here, I agree!

      What an insufferable attitude.

    8. Bubble burst…thought AITA was “Am I Too Aggressive”. I’d it the same as AIBU “Am I Being Unreasonable”? Never has a post made me feel so old, so quickly!

  17. Talk to me about extractions. Kiddo has such severe blackheads and clogged pores her derm recommended that she get one. I’ve never had one. Her acne isn’t the gushing Dr. Pimple Popper kind, but kiddo has seen that and I don’t think it will be like that at all. Maybe it will get kiddo to actually spend more than a minute a day taking care of her skin.

    1. No advice on extractions but please don’t blame your kid for her acne. So much of it is genetic and hormonal and I’m sure having bad acne is hard for her without her mom judging her for how well she takes care of her skin.

      1. OP here — there is a genetic component and then there is “pls do what the derm keeps begging you to do” component. #2 is the problem, which is bad b/c of #1, which is pretty severe.

        1. I used to have horrible acne and refused to do any kind of skin care besides throwing on some salicylic acid gel on blemishes. The thing I hated (and still do!) was the way products felt on my skin, and also that washing my face inevitably gets water all over my clothes and the sink/counter. What improved my skin was when I started washing my face in the shower. I don’t know why I didn’t do it before, but it was a game changer towards me doing it fairly regularly, and helped clear up my skin a lot. Also, using Neutrogena water gel is great for me, as I strongly dislike the feel of anything creamy/greasy on my skin. Not sure if those are issues your kiddo has, but they worked for me!

    2. By “extractions” I assume you mean a facial that includes extractions? If her derm is recommending it I would for sure schedule it. That being said, there’s not much point in addressing the current blackheads if she doesn’t do anything to prevent more from showing up. I would talk to the derm about using salicylic acid or possibly tretinoin.

    3. When I started going to the derm for my adult acne 2 years ago I would get extractions every 1-2 months. They are not painful, some may feel like a pinch. They don’t take long.
      I had teenage acne as well and wish my parents had taken me to a derm back then. It is hard for teenagers to take care of their skin, I remember getting up late for school just about every day so I never had time to do more than rinsing with cold water. Sometimes its hard when you’re trying all these products and nothing seems to be helping, but if she’s seeing a derm she’s probably been prescribed something, and it will hopefully work for her but it just takes time to see the benefits. Eventually I realized that taking care of my skin is important, but it took a while to make it a habit.

  18. is there a way to clean silver plated frames? i tried vinegar, vinegar + baking soda and some other combos, but they didnt do anything. they were supposed to be tarnish proof…

    3. I like using the silver polishing cloths. They’re easy to use and don’t require water.

    6. If silver polish doesn’t work then you’ve probably polished away the plating by using an abrasive like baking soda. The plated layer can be so thin it can rub away with even a mild abrasive.

      On plated items I always go straight to a silver cloth , then if that doesn’t work use liquid polish. Never anything that could wear away the delicate plating.

    7. Argh, my phone keeps on swallowing my replies.

      If silver polish doesn’t work then you’ve probably worn away the plated layer with abrasives.

      Anything that’s silver plated needs treated with kid gloves as the plating is delicate. Any sort of abrasive cleaner such as baking soda or toothpaste will wear away the ultra thin plating and expose the base metal. All you can do is get it replayed (or just replace it).

      Silver plated items respond well to gentle cleaning with a silver cloth, taking care not to rub too hard or use anything abrasive. You can get away with some abrasive cleaning on solid silver as there is no “discoloured” base metal that will peak through, although be aware you can polish away any decoration.

  19. Question – are there places in DC and in Va. where one can walk around for an afternoon and get a bit of the holiday feeling? Usually in DC I think the hotel lobbies are the best like the Willard but I’m not wanting to go indoors if I can help it and certainly not places packed with travelers or unmasked people – i.e. at the hotel bars. Other than that I’m up for walking around anywhere – even office building/commercial building outdoor decor is fine yet or cute houses with garlands and wreaths; I can’t think of anything but City Center which basically just has the tree. Also same question – any such places in Virginia? I know Old Town but anything else that’s worth it like Middleburg etc. or is it not worth the drive?

    2. Middleburg is cute over the holidays, but if you aren’t going inside anywhere you can walk the whole main street in about 10 minutes. I’d do Colonial Williamsburg if you’re open to driving.

    4. Is there still the holiday market downtown by the arena and art gallery? What about Eastern Market on the weekend? You could stroll through the Capitol Hill houses afterwards.

  20. Just wanted to thank everyone for their guidance yesterday re: what to do for a friend/acquaintance who miscarried. I left a card with a tin of Christmas cookies (which I had already planned to give them) on their front porch. An hour later, she texted me thanking me, saying it was very kind and she is doing okay now. I feel like I may have helped brighten her day a bit. Thanks, all.

    3. That’s a great result – thanks for checking back, always nice to hear that somebody had a better day. :)

  21. I need recommendations for a red lipstick for beginners. I am comfortable wearing makeup, but a bold lip is not my typical forte. I have light skin with pinkish undertones. Definitely want to avoid anything orangey.

    Alternatively, maybe a bright pink would be fun? Just trying to stave off the winter doldrums and add more color to my life.

    1. I have your coloring. Lipsticks look darker on us than they do on people with more melanin in their skin so don’t go for the darkest shade. Look for a cool toned red, something with berry in the name is probably going to be good, and definitely buy the matching lip liner pencil and start with a good outline of your natural lip (ie don’t try to make your lips bigger). You can then apply the lipstick from the tube or using a lip brush.

    2. I love the glossier ultra lip lipsticks – lots of pretty colors and they show them on models with different coloring.

    3. I’m pale with pink/blue undertones, and I really like the Maybelline Red for Me.

    4. Same undertones and I’ve had good luck with Burts Bees lip crayons. I think the one I have is “Napa Vineyard.” They’re cheap enough I can experiment with colors I’m not sure about.

    6. Go for it. You might find it shocking the first couple of times you look in the mirror but pretty soon you will get used to it. Now I can’t wear anything but colour, no nude lipstick for me.

      For brights I always use a lip liner as any feathering is more obvious. I prefer an invisible one (I’m UK based so can’t recommend one in the US). For lipsticks, pre covid I was a Chanel girl, but with masks I don’t use anything other than Maybelline Superstay Ink Crayons as they don’t smear. Not sure if the name is the same in the US. Hustle in Heels 45 is a fabulous red that doesn’t make the teeth look yellow, and Treat Yourself 35 is a bright pink that is more wearable than you’d expect when you see it.

      If you’re not used to brights, pick a slightly more matte formula until you get used to not touching your lips (as any smears show up more). Both ones I listed above are great for longevity but don’t dry the lips out. Infact, you will need makeup remover to take them off.

    7. Watch the Lisa Eldridge video guide on choosing red lipstick and how to put it on to avoid the downwards frown.
      On youtube or her homepage.

  22. Yall…I need to vent! I went on a date over the weekend with a man who is an immigrant from India. We have been chatting on the apps and texting for a couple weeks (longer than I usually would talk without date 1), but we had busy schedules.

    Everything is going well, until I somewhat jokingly asked why his family didn’t do an arranged marriage for him (we’re both late 30s)…to which he says they did, and he is still married. He proceeded to tell me they married 6 years ago, only spent 1 year together, and he subsequently immigrated to the US without her. He claimed they can’t get divorced in India, which IDK if he was telling the truth or not but it doesn’t matter! This was starting to sound like Jenny and Sumit in 90DF! I asked him what his plan is for dating, and he told me he is looking to find an American woman to live with and have a family with, while remaining married to his Indian wife, and that his parents are aware of his plan. So cringe. I felt really offended he would think I would be down with this plan…and then he actually texted me today after I said thanks no thanks, wishing me a Happy Tues and sending me a silly meme. I blocked him. Ugh just ugh. The entitlement of some men! I feel bad for his wife back home, who probably hears a totally different story.

    1. You can absolutely get divorced in India. That is a lie. (I know you know that, I’m just popping off). India is a large, functioning country! Divorces are common! This guy is banking on the fact that you wouldn’t know any better. I’m sorry

    5. Wow. That is honestly up there with the worst dating stories I have ever heard. Count your blessings that he told you now vs. several months/years from now, but still…wow.

      1. Right! Chances, he won’t be so candid with his next match (unless he is just very entitled). I used to work with a guy who had an “it’s complicated” marital status. Um, no; it is not complicated.

        1. I used to work with a guy who said he had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” agreement with his wife.
          It turns out his wife never agreed to that, had never heard of it in fact, and it was an uuuuuugggggly divorce.

          1. I would venture that in the vast majority of cases when men say they have an open marriage or a DADT arrangement or anything like that, the wife has a very different version of the story.

    6. Oh wow. Yeah I’m Indian and this isn’t an Indian man thing – it’s a bad man and a bad family given that his parents are like sure son, go cheat on your wife?? As you’ll see from the Indian couples around – the vast majority immigrate together; sometimes there can be a delay in the spousal visa but that doesn’t mean the husband who has already gotten to the US starts chasing American women. Usually the spouses just spent copious amounts of time on Skype together until both can live together in the same country. And yes he CAN get a divorce in India – Sumit did and in general it’s become more common than it used to be; this dude just doesn’t want to rock the boat with his wife and inlaws so what they don’t know won’t hurt them and he’ll just keep sending back some money to her so she can continue to live there and he’ll visit every year or two. RUN.

    7. You dodged a disaster! But awful that you put a bunch of effort in, only to find out . . . that guy should never have been trying to date in the first place. Ugg.

      1. possible.

        white woman married to Indian guy. this is not an Indian thing and yes they can divorce. he might choose not to as it benefits him or his family. his wife may be living with his and taking care of them as an unpaid caregiver.

        there are amazing Indian men and of any other race. this one is not among them.

        go and do not spend more time on this idiot.

      2. OP here- real person, I promise. I understand it could seem unbelievable. It frankly was shocking to me. And yes of course, I don’t think all Indian men are the same, he just happens to be an entitled creep. I’m first gen American and would never assume all immigrants/people from any country are the same. He was just trying to use his country of origin as a convenient excuse for still being married!

    9. This man is cheating on his wife and you obviously dodged a bullet, but am I the only one who thinks it’s lightly racist to ask an Indian man why he didn’t have an arranged marriage? Even “jokingly”?

    10. What rubbish. You can get divorced in India easily. I’m Indian and I’d be insulted. I’d actually want to out this guy back home.

Comments are closed.