Wednesday’s Workwear Report: All Day Cuffed Cigarette Pants

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1. Starting a neighborhood book club. There’s about 8-9 women interested, all have young kids like elementary age and below.

   How many times a month should we meet? Would it better to meet a neighborhood restaurant or do people typically meet at home? First time starting something like this so welcome any and all tips! The book clubs I was a part of was pre kids and very casual..

   1. My book clubs have always met monthly. To me, one of the benefits of a neighborhood club is that we live so close! So homes or backyards. People can walk to and back so they feel ok drinking and it feels easier to still come if they’re running late. Just head out the door and walk on over vs getting in your car.

      1. If you’re all close enough I definitely think backyards are a good idea. Everyone brings their own folding chair and drinks so whoever hosts isn’t really hosting. I also think once a month on say a Thursday night would work. Any more than that and people will get too busy especially with the school year starting up.

   2. Ha meant how many times a year should we meet? Once a month or once every two months..

      1. I think monthly is good. Not everyone will be able to make it every time, so if you only have it every other month and someone misses one meeting, suddenly they’re going 4 months without a chance to see everyone.

      2. I’ve always done roughly monthly, sometimes skipping a really busy month. So ~10-12 times per year.

         1. +1. I was talking to someone who organizes a book club. Hers meets monthly, January through October, but doesn’t meet in November or December because everyone is so busy during those months, especially at the end of the month. Seems like a good approach. You could also meet once between Thanksgiving and the winter holidays but do something more like a holiday party or book salon where everyone talks about what they’ve been reading lately, their favorite book of the year, or recommendations for book gifts.

            1. I like the idea of switching the holiday season meeting to a different format. Maybe a cocktail party or one of those cookie swap parties.

      3. I’m in a club that meets every two months. With two small kids, it makes it much easier. I don’t have lots of free time.

   3. Monthly and homes. Youll never get full participation or accurate and prompt RSVPs are annoying for restaurants. And I’d set it off as a wine plus snack thing not dinner. Too much pressure for the hostess. Cheeseboard and call it a day.

      1. +1. I also suggest picking the same day/week if possible to keep it consistent (e.g., the last Tuesday of the month).

   4. I meant to say how many times a year not month! And thank you! So outside when weather is nice and inside when it’s not? Do people take turns hosting or does one person host mostly?

      1. Take turns hosting unless someone has an issue or a great judge backyard. But there should be minimal hosting duties!

         1. We rotate hosting duties, and the host gets to pick the next book. Definitely agree with a set day and time. It’s too complicated to find a date everyone can agree on.

   5. Definitely just once a month, ideally the same week/day. I think houses are preferable to a restaurant. I started one that lasted a few years and we just cycled through everyone’s houses and whoever hosted provided drinks/snacks. That kept it fair, but if someone is unable to ever host, they should cover the snacks for someone else.

   6. I have been in several bookclubs over the years and also recently started a new one (with a focus on neighbors). I’m excited for you! It can be such a nice experience.

      Every book club is different. You’ll see what works for your group. My best experience has involved meeting monthly at people’s homes. (This idea of having people bring their own chairs seems strange to me. I’ve always seen a host provide seating and some light snacks/drinks.) We let the host choose the book. (I’ve been in other clubs where there are book nominations and voting, but it gets complicated and requires that someone do the coordination. If you simply let the host choose it is much less involved.)

      I recommend getting members’ input and then selecting a fairly fixed day to hold your meeting each month. For example, first Monday or 4th Thursday. It seems to remove the constant negotiation that people otherwise do to figure out when folks are free. Accept that you will never have everyone free. But if you put a stake in the ground and thereby make the dates known, people can choose to plan around bookclub if that’s their priority. In extenuating circumstances, adjust as needed. Also, consider skipping December (and or August) as that tends to be a busy time for people.

      That leads me to thoughts about the number of people. I recommend having 12 or so members with a goal of having 7-10 people present for a robust conversation at each meeting. There are always absent people; things come up. With 12 or so members you have a good chance of making it work (and not ending up with only 3-4 month after month which might feel lame). You’ll need to add people over time as your original members peel off, stop showing up, move, or change their priorities.

      Have fun!

   7. Good luck! It’s great that you’re doing this! Here are my suggestions from my experiences:
      – Make sure you have the next date set at the last meeting, rather than trying to coordinate by email/doodle poll/whatever afterwards
      – Once you have the date set, stick to it – there will NEVER be a date that works for everyone, so cancelling/rescheduling when the inevitable “sorry, will miss this week” comes in is just a set up for failure
      – We’ve settled on picking 3 books/dates/locations for the next 3 months at a time, which seems to work pretty well. People suggest books, and by picking more than 1 at a time we’re able to take multiple suggestions.
      – Have a semi-fixed day of the week (eg 3rd Tuesday) but with some scheduling flexibility as you look ahead at your calendars
      – Encourage people to come even if they didn’t finish the book, but it’s ok to discuss the ending/”spoilers”
      – Stay away from the looong, good-for-you nonfiction books (if you’re like my casual group)

      Good luck!!

   8. Man, I read all the time and no one has ever invited me to a book club. Is it my RBF? I am feeling a little bad and unwanted right now. I guess this is adult FOMO.

      1. I was thinking the same thing :)

      2. Start your own!

      3. Anecdata: I’ve been in three in ten years. They always started with a group that was already friends using it as an excuse to hang out. Twice we were young single professionals with lots of time. And now a mom’s group that I helped start. So if you already have any standing hangout e.g. to watch a TV show, it’s basically the same thing. And if you don’t — two of three I was kinda surprised the group wanted to hang out. So it might be worth just asking people you like!

         1. (revision. already friends = medium level acquaintances from work or a shared interest)

   9. My book club has been meeting for over 10 years now, and here’s our routine. We have 7 members and usually 6-7 of us attend each meeting.

      We meet the 3rd Thursday of the month unless lots of people can’t make it. We read 7 books per year, but still meet every month (the meetings without a book are usually 5-6 people and we call that “non book book club”). When we were reading a book a month, there were times that only a couple people had finished, and sometimes we felt like we were not getting to read other stuff we wanted. Now everyone or almost everyone finishes every book.

      Every January, we pick the books for the upcoming year. Each person gets complete control to pick one book. We have a set rotation. We like this so that everyone can get on the hold list at the library for popular books, and also you can read ahead if you’ve got extra time. We rotate hosting based on who picked the book. Except that there’s one member who likes hosting at Christmas and one who likes Halloween, so we plan around those. The non book months, we just kind of go wherever.

      When we pick books in January, we decide which months we’ll read each one and kind of base it on how challenging the book looks like it will be to read. For example, this year I chose a novella, so we knew we’d be able to read that one with no month “break”.

      Also as a fun thing, each December we have an ornament swap. Everyone brings a Christmas ornament based on a book we’ve read, then we each open one. It’s so fun to remember the books. A lot of times, the books people didn’t really like end up having some fun ornaments.

      This is what works for us, and the routine was honed over many many years! My biggest tip is to always have the next meeting scheduled, and it’s way easier to create an order and let everyone pick a book instead of voting.

      1. Wow that was a novel!!

         I wanted to add about food. For the longest time, we’d do potluck appetizers (which end up being a meal). But lately we’ve been ordering takeout, and that has been a great change up. I like doing it both ways, but we do always eat a meal together whether it’s potluck or takeout.

   10. I’ve run a number of them over the years and been in a bunch. The most successful have been at one person’s home, not rotating. Keep food easy, order pizza, people bring wine and cheese. Lighten up pressure on the actual book, either pick easy reads or better don’t pick anything at all and share recommendations (most successful format).

   11. I’m curious how others have established book clubs if they don’t have a built-in group to start from. Like I easily have 8-9 people in my life that I could invite. But some are friends, and others don’t know each other at all. Is it awkward for one person to be the common link/thread?

       1. Most of my book clubs have involved a few central people who know each other and invite their non-overlapping friends. i actually can’t remember any book clubs that we all knew each other to start. It’s a great lower-impact way to make new friends.

       2. No that’s perfect – helps people get to know each other. Do it!

   12. My book club meets in homes (that’s why I go — I’m a looky-loo and love to see people’s houses!). We meet once a week on the second Monday of the month. It’s potluck but very casual — people bring things like KFC or something from the deli case at the grocery store, or even just a bottle of wine. Once a year in the summer we all nominate books for the coming year and then we vote. The person who nominated the book generally leads the discussion. We set the hosting schedule (as well as which book for which month) for the year in advance.

       I actually think taking a break for November and December is a good idea!

   13. My pre-COVID book club met every other month. Some people weren’t big readers so having two months to finish the book was helpful. We met at people’s homes, and the host usually provided wine and a cheeseboard + a hearty app. The first 30-45 minutes were for discussing the book and the next hour+ always devolving into just hanging out.

       I recommend having whoever offers to host also gets to pick the book, and they are allowed to do so with no input. The hours wasted with us bickering in the group chat over who wanted to read what and people setting up polls to pick between multiple options was silly.

2. Talk to me about hair dryers! My super old Revlon one is dying and I want to replace it with an upgrade. I have shoulder-length hair that tends to frizz. I think the Dyson Airwrap might be overkill for me since I have shortish hair, but could probably be convinced. What’s the best hair dryer out there?

   1. I really like my new Shark dryer — it’s weirdly quiet? I’ve never had a dryer like this one before, it does feel like very new technology. Can’t compare it to Dyson Airwrap though. I’d get the Airwrap if you want to blow your hair straight or wavy and have problems.

      1. IF you need a hair dryer, get the shark. If you need a hair styler, I love my Airwrap. The Airwrap dryer is super slow though. I have the shark dryer and the Dyson dryer and honestly prefer the Shark.

      2. I also have the Shark dryer, and I have curly hair and love it! I don’t find it quieter per se, but the pitch is different than normal hair dryers so I find it easier to listen to stuff while I dry my hair.

   2. I have a Barbar one that is outstanding.

      1. For a moment I read that as “Babar” and would love to get a dryer like that.

   3. I LOVE my airwrap for “newscaster” hair. I use two extra long fat rods (bought separately) and curl away from the face and end up with bouncy big curls. It takes almost no time and never lets me down. I do not think it makes much difference for straightening though. No real difference for that. The airwrap was expensive (I justified it during early days of Covid when I wasn’t seeing my stylist and bought refurbished). But it has been life changing. Only other negative than cost is storing since the case takes up so much space and I’m not using most attachments.

      1. Does your hair normally hold a curl well? My fine hair just laughs at my attempts to do things with it. A lot of spray is required for anything to last > 1 hour. Can a gadget overcome this? I am intrigued.

   4. Amika – dries quickly, doesn’t fry your hair, and is fairly quiet compared to the drugstore ones. They’re pricey, but I only replace about every 5 – 6 years.

      1. I love my Amika!

3. Any insight into legal recruiting? Becoming one at an agency, not working with one. I am a lawyer and I think I would do well in a sales-type position. A big pro of the position is that it’s remote and doesn’t involve practicing law. I’m concerned primarily about job security during economic downturns, and not having enough leads or support to close deals. Has anyone transitioned to working as a legal recruiter or have any thoughts on making the switch?

   1. There’s a podcast by two lawyers who are parents, In Loco Parents, where the wife transitioned from being a law firm partner to a legal recruiter, and they talked about it a lot, and also interviewed another person who made a similar switch.

      1. Karen Vladeck and she’s great on Twitter.

   2. Yikes — I would be worried about doing that now b/c I feel like law firms are about to do culling and not hiring. Long term, it’s a relationship game and do you want to be a person who places at firm X vs a person who poaches from firm X? I don’t think it’s easy to do both. The better people place whole groups and know the management committee people at firms that can make that happen, so long-term relationships with people.

   3. A family member is a former lawyer who has been in legal recruiting for 7+ years now. My takeaway from her experience is that recognizing the role as a sales job is really important (so it’s good that’s your mindset!). Also, firms vary widely from small boutiques to large operations so just like with a law firm, fit is important. I think pay structure also varies widely, and going from salaried compensation (assuming you aren’t a partner) to mostly-commission compensation may be a big adjustment. Relatedly, I wouldn’t necessarily think of this as a “lifestyle” job (because you’re paid based on commission, may have quotas etc.) unless you’re doing internal recruiting which I understand can be much slower-paced/relaxed for correspondingly less compensation. Good luck with the decision!

   4. If your requirements are that you want to be legal-adjacent, not actually practice law, and have a Sales-y job…have you considered working for a company that sells to law firms? Companies that provide law firm technology for example. They may be open to having you come into sales or other customer-facing roles, and depending on the company could be much more secure than a recruiting firm.

   5. check out The Former Lawyer Podcast — the host interviews former lawyers about how and why they left law, what their new careers are like, what they like/don’t like, etc. I remember at least one episode about someone who left biglaw to be a recruiter. There are also multiple episodes with folks who left law to work in legal tech in sales type positions, which may be of interest as well if you’re interested in transitioning to a sales or customer facing role.

4. How do you keep track of personal notes, like ideas for future trips and recipes and memories and books to read and so forth? My problem is that I tend to screenshot things, or put them in Pinterest, or bookmark them on social media, or send them to email or Evernote… and so there are 10 places things can be so I never find everything.

   1. I put a note in my Google calendar on the day I want to remember the thing, as an “all day event.” So for example right now I have notes such as “plan Daughter’s birthday party,” “buy birthday gift for Husband,” “cancel restaurant reservation” as “events.” I also have things far in the future like in mid October, “book Christmas theme train tickets,” “order flower girl dresses,” etc.

      1. Why wouldn’t you just cancel the restaurant reservation instead of making an event of it?

         1. Because she remembers she wants to cancel at 10 am and the restaurant isn’t open to take calls until after 5? Not all reservations are online.

            1. Voicemail is a thing.

   2. Google Sheets. I have a couple going, each on a different topic, and I like that I can pull them up on any computer or on my phone, rather than being stuck on a specific phone app.

      Alternatively, you could use OneNote, which I like for work but I think you can only have one log-in at a time and don’t want my personal stuff associated with my work accounts.

   3. Trello lists for planning/todos/checklists (book lists, vacations, garden ideas, meal planning ideas, etc), and a tab in the budgeting spreadsheet for memories listed by month/year. Its mostly little things the kids say or milestones, but also ‘f!ck cancer’ quite a few months in a row.

      The key here is longevity, so think really closely about what systems you’ve long used. My Mom is a physical calendar person and going back through the years is a fascinating journey of the mundane (electric bill due), the fun (vacation!), and little notes jotted (baby said ‘Mama’).

      1. I love this whole comment. I’m one of those people who’s always buying very cool planners and using them sparingly because ADHD, but when I do keep up with them they are such a fascinating look back through my life and I love it.

      2. Amen to f!ck cancer!!
         (I wish I had something to offer to the main topic, but I 100% have the same problem.)

   4. I went low-tech with a bullet journal. I have pages with lists of books to read, movies to watch, places to visit, etc., along with pages for planning home projects and gift lists. If there’s a web page with a recipe I want to try or information I want to keep, I add it to the reading list on my iPad.

   5. I too collect things like recipes and books to read in many places across my internet presence, and the best thing I do is to have an eventual set place for all of those things to go. Books to read? Goodreads (or I used to use my TBR tag in Libby). Recipes? Paprika. Trip ideas? One particular note on my phone note app.

      Every few months when I feel like a digital cleanout, I go through all of my internet stashes and clear out bookmarks, screenshots, notes to self and “file” them in the appropriate places. Once I’ve done this, I delete my bookmarks and screenshots. I enjoy these piddly little life admin tasks and they’re great to fill time in doctor’s waiting rooms or wherever else you’d get your phone out to pass the time, but a bit more productive than Instagram! Hopefully some of that helps you.

      1. I have 400 tabs open in my browser- i guess that’s my method. I need to be more conscious of doing a digital clean out/filing like you mention.

   6. Google Keep

      1. +1 Grocery lists, packing lists, vacation itineraries, simple recipes, random thoughts to discuss at next therapy session, list of recommended service people, I use Keep for everything.

      2. +1

   7. I try to simply by having one place for each category. An excel sheet that serves as my budget tracker includes tabs for vacation planning, clothing purchases/wardrobe planning, and gift ideas (because all these relate to money). Books go to Goodreads app. Recipes I save to a Chrome bookmarks folder. And miscellaney…I generally assume that it if it’s a great idea, it will find me again, haha

   8. Lilly Pulitzer 18 month giant planner. And I don’t toss them, but I cull from them and make sure notes carry forward to the next one.

   9. Google Keep – I have the app on my phone & iPad, and use the web version on my laptops. I love that everything syncs, I can label things, and I can search.

      1. Same. Not fancy but functional and shareable with my husband.

   10. Different places for different categories.
       Pinterest gets recipes that I want to try, house project ideas. Basically anything that is something I want to save, but don’t have a timeline or immediate use for. I also have a “Did it” Pinterest board where I save all of the pins that I’ve done – so this is sort of a reference. Like the fajita recipe I’ve used for 10 years is on that board, I just searched it when I needed it this week.

       Apple Notes app gets all of my personal notes, to dos, grocery lists, list of travel spots, books to read, etc….basicaly anything that is a list or textual. The recipe link usually make it onto a Notes to do list when I want to make it that week. Notes is really my workhorse. I also have fun notes saved, like with lyrics I like, ideas, etc.

       Calendar (I just use the Apple Calendar) – all events end up here, and also to dos that have a specific date.

       For work I use a paper planner and my email and a work calendar.

       Basically it’s a hodgepodge, but it works good enough and I do always know where to find things. Screensots for me is where my ideas go to die. I never remember to look through my photos.

5. Can someone explain the appeal in universal standard to me? They have a trendy sizing chart, but otherwise I don’t see any selling points. It’s just outrageously expensive synthetics. If I’m paying those prices there are quality natural fibre ethical brands that I would shop at instead.

   1. I completely agree. However, my main reasons are (1) I am not allergic to any natural fibers and (2) I find many synthetics uncomfortable. I suspect there are people who are allergic to natural fibers or otherwise prefer synthetics or some other thing I haven’t thought of who like Universal Standard quite a bit.

   2. They’re worth it if you’re plus sized such that you can’t find similar basics in other brands, but I agree that they’re pretty expensive for the quality.

      1. I’ll also add that for a retailer to sell Universal Standard, they are required to sell the full line/sizes AND keep them together in the same area of the store. For someone who is plus-sized this is revolutionary. Not being relegated to the basement, or some back dingy corner, in the store makes me feel like I’m not a monster.

         1. I had no idea any retailer could carry US in store. Where are they?

            1. Nordstrom comes to mind

   3. I love the fabric and cut on a lot of their stuff. Their tshirts are the best I’ve ever worn. I wouldn’t pay full price but you can often get them for $25-$35, which is absolutely worth it to me. Same with their lounge and athleisure. Super comfy and a lot of thoughtful designs. I’ve got one of the Geneva dresses, which is fine, but I don’t LOVE it. The rest of their clothes kind of leave me cold though, especially lately.

      1. +1. The T-shirt fabric and cut is so nice (but it’s 48% cotton).

         1. And also agree on not paying full price. But I really like the cut and drape of their stuff.

   4. I’m always surprised when others here complain about synthetics — almost everything is synthetics, even the designer stuff. What brands do you usually buy?

      But otherwise: there are incredibly scant options for professional clothes for us fat ladies. Everything is cold shoulder nasty print cheap garbage.

      1. +1

      2. I buy as much natural fibers as possible. Brands like Gap, H&M, J Crew or BR have a lot of 100% cotton or linen items if you’re looking for them. For work, I bought wool suits (admittedly often lined with synthetics) and silk tops. I do buy synthetics sometimes but try to filter the better kind (anything 100% polyester or acrylic is a clear no for me). I tolerate synthetics for athletic clothing, but generally, the material is the first thing I look at when buying something.

         1. Forgot to mention that I own a Universal Standard x J Crew top that is a cotton/linen blend and one of my favorite work tops! But I’ve never purchased from them directly.

      3. I am someone who complains about synthetics but that doesn’t mean I don’t have any in my wardrobe. It just means that some things I prefer to be natural fabric (tops mostly) and I will only pay so much for the fake stuff.

         As for brands – it’s really nothing fancy necessarily. A lot of J Crew/JCrew Factory, Madewell, Gap/Old Navy, Talbots, some Uniqlo (they have great rayon/polyester “smart” pants I love but they’re all $39-49 and look like actual suiting pants – not like ponte which in my experience just pills, sometimes even right away, no matter how much you pay for it ), and random stuff from Nordstrom, Saks Off Fifth, TJ Maxx, etc. I completely recognize that inclusive sizing is an issue for a lot of these brands so I do appreciate the need for more brands like Universal Standard, I just personally wouldn’t pay this much for a pair of ponte pants.

      4. +2 – I prefer synthetics mixed in my clothes too, they hold their shape and wear better. All cotton and linen is a wrinkled mess.

      5. I try to avoid synthetics as much as possible. For me it is primarily an environmental issue, so it goes hand in hand with also not doing a ton of shopping. Brands I’ve been shopping at lately are Boden, Quince, Nadaam, Wool&, LLBean, and occasionally JCrew or Banana Republic. I’m not absolute about it – I have plenty of clothes that are natural fibers blended with synthetics but I try to keep synthetics to a minimum. When I shop, I start by looking at the materials and I eliminate a lot of items that I otherwise would like! Clothing feels like an area where there are so many moving parts regarding sustainability, labor practices, cost, etc. I’m never sure what the “best” way is of balancing all those areas but I guess I feel as good as I can about where I’ve ended up.

      6. I don’t buy synthetics for most clothes, they make me sweat, stink and itch, and I get very cold, it’s genuinely like wearing a plastic bag for me, and I guess some people don’t get that feeling.

         Exceptions are things like rain gear, panty hose, bras and some technical fabrics like yoga pants. For shoes, wellies and flip flops.

         I buy natural fibers from brands like JCrew, Banana, &Other stories, H&M, M&S, Next, John Lewis, Gap, outdoor gear brands – mid level brands. I think the trick to finding these items, is automatically discarding anything that is polyester or acrylic and move on, instead if trying to make it work.

   5. They’re big on pretending to be size inclusive, but don’t actually bother designing for the average height woman and barely make anything in petite sizes. Wardrobe Oxygen has a nice review of their ponte pants today, and they look like something I might really like, but I’ve never seriously considered buying anything from them because I’m not spending that much to still have to deal with the hassle of hemming my pants.

      1. Here, here! The average American woman is 5’4”. Average! Yet clothes are designed for women significantly taller than this, and no one talks about size inclusivity when the sizing isn’t even close to being designed to fit the average.

         1. Hey now, as a 5’10” woman (also plus sized) I disagree that pants should be hemmed for a 5’4″ woman. Specific tall lengths are relatively rare, so that’s not the solution. You guys can always hem pants, but we can’t magically add more length.

            1. I’d certainly advocate for selling tall lengths as well- men’s sizes come in different lengths, so I don’t know why women’s don’t. But the numbers on the petite thing make it more absurd- if half of women are less than 5’4″, why are “normal” sizes designed for someone at least a couple inches taller than that? I’m 5’3″ and even petites are often a bit long in the sleeves and legs if I’m not wearing a shoe with a pretty significant heel. It’s not as simple as just hemming. This works on some things, but on any thing other than straight legs, the cut ends up a bit off, the waist is weird, and it almost never works well on tops or dresses.

            2. Men don’t have this issue! Why can’t we have inseams???

            3. Why aren’t sizes centered around the average size of the American Woman, which is a 14 or a 16. So it should be just as easy to find an 18 as a 10/12, a size 20/22 as 6/8. But – spoiler alert – it’s not! Not even close! There are entire stores – in fact MOST stores – that stop their sizing at 14 or 16, the average.

               This, to me, is a far bigger issue than hem lengths. Hem your pants.

      2. When I was last buying jeans from them, they did have a 28″ and 32″ inseam for most jeans.

   6. As a fat woman, they provide quality basics. I don’t think their price point is any higher than Ann Taylor or J. Crew, and I am not sized out of the brand. I don’t mind spending a little more to look put together, at least until some of the more mainstream brands start offering clothes up to a 4XL.

   7. What natural fiber ethical brands do you like at that price point? I’d love to know since ost of the ones I know of are way more expensive than US and don’t have inclusive sizing.

      1. Eileen Fisher and Elizabeth Suzann are two that come to mind that I’m a big fan of.

   8. I think it’s a gimmick that will fail. The idea that the same styles will fit and flatter women of all sizes is ridiculous. You can’t just cut down something that’s designed for a size 16 and have it look good on a size 0. That plan sure didn’t work out for Old Navy.

      1. The cuts change as the sizes change, is my understanding.

   9. Sorry but “trendy sizing chart” is such a fatphobic thing to say

      1. Not my comment, but that size chart is wildly different from anything a typical shopper is used to seeing. I have seen other shops try to do things like sizes 1, 2, 3, and 4. Short of going to men’s sizing where it’s all just dimensions (32×30), just stop. I hate having to do more work and put on readers to go through a grid to figure this out when I’m shopping online.

         1. It has nothing to do with inclusivity, it’s the fact that they literally made up an entirely different sizing system that no other companies use. But to make it extra confusing they decided used the same labels for sizes other companies do even though they aren’t even remotely similar dimensions.

            1. Chico’s does the same thing as far as sizing

      2. +1

   10. I’m plus size and think their clothes are ugly and overpriced.

       1. I used to think that. But then I figured out that I wasn’t used to seeing models who were bigger than a size 16. Might that be your issue?

          1. I don’t think so, because I shop for my size 20 body just fine with other brands. The cuts look bulky to me. I feel like I could get the same items at Old Navy for 1/10 of the price.

   11. Completely agree. And the cuts are really not to my liking. These pants, for example, would look so dumpy on me. Most of their shirts are super boxy. I’m not a size 2, but I prefer fits that skim, not balloon.

       But I am the rare bird who haaaates ponte pants and finds them claustrophobic, not breathable, etc.

       1. I had a couple of things from their early days – a gorgeous wrap top with a big bow in two colors, a sheath dress that was perfection – but I really don’t like the direction they’ve gone. I don’t find them overpriced, necessarily, but I don’t really like the shapeless styles. I know they’re doing that so they can fit more people, but c’mon. We don’t all want to wear shapeless sacks, even big girls, and I’m a big girl.

          1. I think more tailored silhouettes generally look better on most people regardless of size. Boxy cuts and shapeless sacks only look good on a very specific tall straight body type. Everyone else, large or small, does better in clothes with some actual shape.

   12. So, I agree that synthetics are not my favorite and their designs lean basic/boring, BUT, my talking points for Universal Standard are these (as a cusp-size person):
       1. The size range when they stated was truly special, and they have held to their standard on that since the beginning. They aren’t trendy – I would argue they started the trend.
       2. Being on their mailing list, I’ve almost never paid full price for anything.
       3. EVERY item they sell comes in every size, everyone can truly shop the whole site. SO RARE.
       4. Use of every size model – not just size 2 and size 14.
       5. Jeans that are SO comfy, have multiple pairs.
       4. The items that are great are really good – t-rex, jeans, work items.

   13. US is a brand that I want to like because I appreciate elevated basics, but like you, I just can’t. The size chart is weird and confusing and sometimes the prices are just weirdly high. They claim to be size inclusive, but their longest inseam on pants is 32″. I’m 5’6″ and wear a 32 for full length pants. Sorry tall people, only ankle pants for you.

       1. story of my life. I’m a 34″. I have worn nothing but ankle pants for years. Once we’re more firmly into wide leg and boot cut pants, I will have to go back to wearing dresses all the time. (or actually, skirts and tops, because the dress is never long enough)

          1. I too need at least a 34-inch inseam, otherwise I look like a hobbit. Ankle length pants were never a good look for me, so for the past few years it’s been dresses or skirts, with knee-high riding boots in the winter. One advantage of dresses is that people think you are more “dressed up.” I’ve been asked why I’m so “dressed up” while I am feeling so comfy in a beautifully printed wrap dress.

   14. I agree that these pants seem super expensive, but US’s joggers are SUPER comfy. I hate winter, but I’m excited to wear those joggers again when it gets cold! And US’s shipping and returns are easy and free, which is mandatory for me to shop somewhere.

   15. As much as people rave about them, I find it odd that there is a huge amount that enters the thrift stores. For a relatively new brand, people must not love it.

6. Newbie YNAB advice? I’ve tried before and stumble over credit cards- I pay mine in full every month and somehow that feels difficult? But I’ve gotten a sizeable raise and need to make sure I’m not just spending at all on nap dresses.

   1. Can you restate your question?

      1. Does anyone have tips for someone new to YNAB, in particular for how to handle credit card spending.

   2. If at all possible, I recommend paying off all of your credit cards right when you start and starting on the first day of a month. If you have a credit card balance, there is some weird way of setting it up as a debt. It was confusing to me and I found it a lot easy to just start with a balance of zero on my cards.

      Watch all of the videos, which are pretty helpful. I don’t do the traditional approach of carrying money forward each month so that I build a balance in categories, but more use it to see where I am spending. At the end of the month, I transfer any extra funds to an off category savings account. If I go over one month, I transfer funds from saving. So, my advice is to figure out how you want to use it and set it up to accommodate that approach.

      1. +1. Start on as “clean” a slate as possible and go from there.
         It takes about 3 months to really get a feel for how it works, but it’s been great for us. Like Anon above, we usually roll leftover money into one “rainy day” pool unless we are saving for something in particular.

   3. Sizeable raise: choose a one time splurge/experience and then auto deposit the new found excess into a savings account or bump up retirement contributions. Is there a major quality of life improvement that is now in budget like adding cleaners? If your goal is to not fritter it away on randomness, then give the new money a job.

   4. Credit card payment accounting in YNAB is a pain. I figured it out with trial and error and I still couldn’t teach someone else. But the trial and error was worth it for the overall value of the envelope system for me.

      1. Ok maybe that’s all I need. Just to push through

         1. Side note: I did watch one of their educational videos on managing credit cards at the beginning. That helped me, in part because they acknowledged it might feel backward.

      2. I DIY’d an envelope budget in Excel and it is so much simpler.

   5. What is YNAB?

      1. You Need A Budget

   6. If you are paying your credit card in full monthly, YNAB handles that pretty well. When you first set it up, you enter your current balance as a budget item because your cash on hand needs to cover that balance. Then as you make purchases, your budgeted dollars are sort of transferred to the credit card line so that the cash is available the next time your payment is due.

      Where YNAB is less good, I think, is in helping you budget future money. Based on your question, I wonder if that’s where you’re actually having a hard time – wrapping your head around what your new budget will look like. Personally I keep an excel spreadsheet with my monthly income and the monthly amounts that I budget for each category, and play around in there to make sure my income and my expenses line up.

      I had a few false starts with YNAB but ended up telling myself to give it two months and see how I felt at the end. It clicked after a month or so, and now I couldn’t imagine ever giving it up!

7. I’m thinking of going to Cancun in early December with my bf for a quick relaxing long weekend away. We are just starting to research but does anyone have any suggestions on a hotel/resort or thoughts about the weather at that time of year? We basically want to relax by the beach and pool with good drinks and decent food for 3-5 days. First real vacation for both of us since covid!

   1. It’s been 6 years now since we went but DH and I loved Live Aqua. Food was actually good, and having been to several other Cancun area all-inclusives since I now realize how rare that is. Vibe was chill, it seemed like a mix of couples, friend groups and solo travelers. No one was loud but there were some low key activities like yoga. Early December is a good time of to go. You’ll get low season prices bit it won’t be too hot.

      1. +1

      2. Agreed – went to Live Aqua last September and it was awesome. Very chill and relaxing. Food was great. Beach was gorgeous (we were scared about the seaweed but it was truly crystal clear water). Staff excellent.

         1. I’m the person who originally recommended it and I’m glad to hear it’s still great! DH and I dream of going back, but it’s tough because its adults only and we hesitate to leave our kids behind for a beach trip, since that’s pretty much their favorite kind of travel and it’s also a relatively low stress way to travel with kids. Maybe I’ll go solo some time.

   2. I don’t normally use a travel agent, but this kind of trip is the exception. I recommend Tana Vaynshteyn, owner of Grand Turizmo Travel. You can contact her through FB or Google for contact info. She has deep knowledge of the Mexican and Caribbean all inclusive resorts and will ask you some questions and then suggest some properties and make the arrangements once you’ve chosen. I can deep dive the internet for deals and she always beats the best price I can come up with. The ex and I ran into her at a resort in Mexico and she is a delightful person as well.

      1. I’ve never used a travel agent. Do we pay them or does the hotel? We are also on a budget given the current state of the economy/inflation and VHCOL area.

         1. You pay them. You don’t need a travel agent for a resort in Mexico. I would recommend one if you want to go on a three week safari in Africa or something, but for this kind of trip it’s completely unnecessary. Just look at TripAdvisor reviews and pick a resort that has good reviews and fits your budget.

            1. tbh, we book international travel for ourselves a ton, but trying to pore over the like 700 seemingly-interchangeable AI’s near Cancun would leave my head spinning, and if a travel agent would tell me This Is The Best One For You, I’d go that way.

            2. I think it’s a huge risk to trust just one person on something like what resort is good. There are a lot of travel agents out there with questionable taste (ahem,Shay Shull) and a bad all-inclusive will kind of wreck the trip since it’s not just a place to sleep, it’s all your meals, drinks and most of your activities too. Using TripAdvisor (or even asking here) seems much safer, because at least you get a diversity of opinion. I book complicated international travel myself too, but I at least understand why people use travel agents for that. This just seems like what TripAdvisor was invented for.

            3. The travel agent gives me some options based on my budget and requirements. Then I poke around a little bit on TripAdvisor and the like and tell her which one to book. I have never advocated just letting someone else pick your resort for you. It’s very helpful to be presented with a short list of places that will work.

            4. Yea even if I used a travel agent, I would research their suggested resorts and ask about negative reviews among several reviewers and not just a disgruntled guest.

         2. You do not pay them. Your budget will be one of the bits of info you give her. There are a lot of all inclusive resorts and someone who has an in-depth knowledge of the pros and cons of the particular resorts is invaluable. I handled all of the arrangements for a trip to Marrakech, but am very, very happy to turn over this kind of trip to Tana.

   3. Le Blanc is amazing and indulgent. Great option for a “just hang out at a fancy, adults only resort” trip.

   4. I have heard good things about Excellence Playa Mujeres.
      Also check out oyster dot com. They have great reviews of resorts, hotels, etc. along with real pictures.

      1. Also check out YouTube for videos.

   5. El Dorado Maroma is lovely! It’s an adults only all-inclusive with very good food. About ~40 minutes from the airport, beautiful beach, mostly couples with some friend groups mixed in. Activities throughout the day but not really a “party” atmosphere – more relaxing which sounds like what you’re looking for.

8. I have 1 day in Chicago next week during the week (workday hours, about 9-5). WWYD? I like shopping obvi, museums, coffee, architecture. TIA! :)

   1. take the river cruise run by the architecture center!

      1. Yes! I did this and it takes only a wee bit of time and is awesome. ALSO, watch the Harrison Ford version of The Fugitive b/c it takes place around where the Chicago River cruise will be. And the history of sanitation, clean drinking water, and how the flow of that river has been reversed is fascinating.

         ALSO: can someone explain how Chicago aldermen are regarded with some outsized amount of awe vs how other large cities have local government? I have never really understood this. Someone I know has a relative married to the “niece of a Chicago alderman” and it is said with such hushed reverence that you’d think it came with a palace and crown jewels.

         1. I found this so funny! I grew up in Chicago and now live in another Midwestern city with same hushed reverence for Aldermen. But I have lived in other places where it is not a thing. Maybe it has to do with the history of bribery and the mob? My dad was close to our Alder and our alley was always plowed before others.

         2. Same for the head of the plumber’s union! Especially on St Patrick’s day.

   2. Stay in or around the loop/Michigan Avenue area. Cosign the architectural tour, & also maybe one of the art museums nearby (art institute or museum of contemporary art), which both keep you on/very near Michigan Avenue if you want to do some shopping as well. There’s a giant Starbucks right on Michigan that is supposed to be cool and have some unique offerings.

   3. The big museums are great: Shedd, Art Institute and Field. I think Adler Planetarium is a little bit more bare bones, and Museum of Sci and Industry is great, but not central to the downtown area where I assume you would be. Art Institute also opens later than the other two. If you do a big museum, I would only plan on doing one and then shopping/walking around the rest of the time. Wear good walking shoes.

   4. +1 river cruise! I did it during a work trip, and it was a blast.

   5. Take the architecture boat tour, get some Intelligentsia coffee, and look up if there are any designer boutiques you’re interested in on/around Michigan (especially if you’re coming from a smaller city that may not have these).

   6. I’d head to Andersonville and walk around and stop at cute shops for coffee and things.

      1. Or take the blue line to Wicker Park and get Stan’s donuts.

         1. If it’s Stan’s donuts you want, there are 3 of them in the Loop/River North area. There’s lots of other reasons to go to Wicker Park (Antique Taco, Mindy’s Bakery), but no need to travel if it’s for donuts! Also, Stan’s is great, but my current favorite is Beacon Donuts in Lincoln Park.

            1. Today I learned!

            2. Yeah Stan’s is great, but no need to go to Wicker Park!

9. Where would you go for a fall weekend getaway from NYC? Driving preferred, not on Long Island. Good food definitely required. Would like to just stay in a great hotel and go out to a great dinner. A hike in the daytime is nice but not necessary; same for massage; just as happy to window shop on Main Street and drink beer at a local brewery. Two adults and no kids. No particular budget but $1000/night at Mohonk House seems a bit absurd. We’ve done upstate towns in the past (Woodstock, Hudson) and could definitely do something similar but also thinking something different would be fun.

   1. Berkshires? Beacon NY? Off season Cape May NJ?

   2. Brandy wine valley

   3. somewhere in Pennsylvania? we went to a wedding in Beacon, NY and it was a cute little town. The Sagamore?

   4. There are lots of older “motor lodge” type older hotels near Grey Towers (W on I-80 to PA and then go north at Stroudsburg”. And lots of AirBNBs. Poconos are really great for hiking and skiing, despite my imprinting on “this is is a place with heart-shaped hot tubs and mirrored ceilings” in the commercials from my youth.

   5. Lake Placid – White Face Lodge
      North Adams, MA – TOURISTS Welcome
      Finger Lakes – Mirbeau Spa

   6. Definitely any place around lake George or Watkins Glen. Both are about a 4 hour drive and beautiful locations. If you decide to go to Watkins Glen, my bf and I stayed at the BlackBerry Inn and it was great! Very much below your budget. Also check out the Sagamore, which seems to be the more expensive nice hotel near lake George.

      1. Should have said we went to Lake George this summer and stayed at the Sagamore so that one is out. But would love to have a similar trip in, say, CT.

         Thank you all – please keep suggestions coming! Specific hotels are always appreciated, too.

   7. Maybe somewhere in the Litchfield area? Mayflower Inn is booked up for fall weekends, but there may be some other nice inns nearby

   8. Philly? New Hope? Bethlehem? Jim Thorpe?

   9. Newport is nice in the fall, and it’s definitely is a different vibe than the Hudson Valley. My favorite hotel in Newport is Castle Hill Inn, but The Chanler is another great option.

      The Berkshires are also beautiful at that time of year. The Old Inn on the Green is very charming and has a great restaurant. The Wheatleigh is more luxurious, but is likely more expensive than Mohonk in the fall.

   10. I would do Piaule. Iness looks nice too and Accord has nice farms and food. I personally think the food will be just ok, nothing upstate is fantastic. I guess you can do Blue hill at Stone Barns

   11. I’d do the Berkshires, Newport (Mill Street Inn is a great location and very cute), Kent or Old Saybrook CT. You may also want to check to see if anyone good is playing in Mohegan Sun (also in CT) – the venue isn’t huge and they get surprisingly good bands.

   12. Mohonk house was legit really nice when we went last December. Will definitely go back during peak leaves season. But New Paltz itself is actually pretty cute!

       1. Oh and also — it’s kind of far for a weekend but we really liked Saratoga springs

          1. Where did you stay in SS?

   13. Finger Lakes has lots of options for hiking and causal drinking.

10. Jeans help please! I’m having a very hard time switching from skinny jeans but am committed to the move. So far Madewell and Levis have been a bust. I’d like to do different jeans than I did in the 90s when I wore flare/bootcuts or very baggy carharts oversized and tightly belted so neither of those styles. I’m a size 10 – any specific brand/style to try? thank you!

    1. I like rag & bone Dre and AG Mari for options that have slim thighs, but more room in the calf & ankle so they aren’t skinny, and not going so far as to repeat my late 90’s high school flares.

    2. I know you said you’d tried Levi’s but I made the switch from skinny jeans to Levi’s mens 502s after giving up on everywhere else. I love them!

    3. I’ve enjoyed a recent Kut from the Kloth (hate the name) purchase.

       1. oh I am totally with you on the name. The same way I found Kotton Kandy Korner ridiculous as a tween at the mall. Like – the alliteration or phrase would already work with the correct spelling. Maybe it’s a trademark play but I don’t care, it it a total turnoff for any brand that does this! If that’s the only way you can make your name unique, find a different one.

          1. Right? It’s a bit Kardashian with all of the Ks. [They also looked like total mom jeans on me in a bad way, not in a cool I’m a 17YO influencer with a crop top sort of way.]

       2. +1 on both points. The fit and quality are surprisingly good, although the brand tends to run large and I need to size down. The name is horrendous and probably drives away a lot of their target demographic.

    4. Someone recommended Abercrombie recently and they are on my to-try list as soon as the malls empty out of the back-to-school shoppers.

    5. I really love the JCrew vintage straight jean.

    6. hear me out: Abercrombie

       1. +1 wearing Abercrombie right now, total surprise find. I literally only figured out they are great because I tried some at goodwill. I also strangely fit very well into banana republic jeans. again, discovered this at goodwill.

          Although my favorite pair of jeans right now is my new festival flare jeans from American Eagle.

          OP – this isn’t for everyone, but If you are at all inclined to thrift shop, I actually really like trying lots of jeans at goodwill. you end up being able to try lots of brands in one dressing room. When I was transitioning into a new size, I just took piles of jeans into the dressing room and tried a bunch and came out with a few that I love – I would have never went to 10 different stores and tried on everything. of course it a luck game too, but even in my small city, there are racks of quality jeans that are barely worn.

          1. Bonnie Kate, this is also how I prefer to find pants!!!

             1. Yesss curious you are my people! :)

    7. I love Frame, 7 for all Mankind, and Paige. The first two fit me best for the current wider leg styles (I have a small long waist but wide hips, and they hug perfectly), and Paige fits me best for skinny jeans or low cut jeans. They’re all great quality (Frame especially — SO COMFORTABLE) and I think do a good job with current styles. They’re pricey, but I’ve snagged several new-ish ones this summer off of ThredUp for $30-40 a piece.

    8. I think Gap has a nice variety of styles. They have nice straight cuts.

    9. I seem to be the only one that ever brings this up here, but…Sene jeans! They will make a pair cut to your exact size and specifications!

11. Older, wiser members of the hive: what habits have led to you aging well? What do you wish you would have started when you were younger to age well?

    I visited my mid 70s aunt last weekend who, after recently beating cancer and going through some pretty rough surgeries and chemo, is now going on 35 mile bike rides and doing more strength training and yoga than I can do. I am so freaking impressed and proud of her but it was a wake up that at 30 I can’t do what she does! I’m relatively active and eat relatively well but I’m definitely not where I want to be physically and health wise.

    1. The book Younger Next Year for Women addresses this question in detail.

       In general I think the keys are
       – Strength training
       – Maintaining balance and flexibility
       – At least moderate cardio
       – Maintaining social connections
       – Eating a variety of foods including cold-water fish, berries, and nuts
       – Keeping your brain challenged and engaged with novel experiences

       1. These are all the recommendations I got for cancer survivorship, practically verbatim, too. The other one is to not eat cured meats.

       2. +1 on strength training. I could skip this when I was younger but it becomes much more important now. I immediately feel the loss when I stop doing this and it’s just so powerful to feel strong.

    2. Sunscreen every day. I’m 39 and the difference in my pampered sunscreened shaded hatted skin and all my causal yay sun friends is stark.

       1. That’s me. I’m not the healthiest in body (RA) but my skin is hard to beat. I have never been a sun worshipper, I have a collection of hats, I’m religious about sunscreen during the day, and I’ve been using Rx tretinoin at night for years.

          An early experience taking my dad in for skin cancer treatment was my scared straight moment as far as SPF goes.

    3. I think in some ways it gets easier to be active as you get older because you have more time in retirement. My mom is way more active now at 70 than she was 10 years ago.

       1. True, though if you wait too long it’s often too late to get active. My other aunt is mid/late 60s and can’t walk around the block…

       2. +1 to this. I look forward to the day I can take a 5 mile hike on a weekday or fit in a mid-afternoon tennis lesson, but that’s just not my stage in life.

    4. some of it is luck. neither of my parents were super hardcore exercisers, my dad tried to get into a running routine on the treadmill, my mom walked a lot, both could do 25 mile bike rides, etc. and then my mom had non cancerous braintumors that kept growing back and passed away in her mid 60s, while my dad is in his low 70s, still going on those bike rides. also, as a mom with two young kids, who between sleep issues and sickness, every time i get into a workout routine, something happens to get me out of it, i am hoping that once my kids are a bit older i can develop better routines. i have heard that strength training is really important to keep your bones in good shape

       1. Luck and genes. My parents live in a 2-story house on top of a long hill and just doing house/yard maintenance, walking to the mailbox, and bringing the trash down to the road keep them spry enough to be living well into their 80s. They have never exercised other than housework and easy hiking (basically walking on trails). Good genes and also good luck (no car crashes, surgeries where you get hooked on opioids, lingering back injuries, etc.). They also read A LOT.

    5. With older relatives, I’ve noticed the importance of keeping up with hearing and vision issues to preserve cognitive function.

       I have also witnessed the dangers of polypharmacy. One older relative was seeing several specialists who didn’t coordinate prescriptions. A drug would be prescribed, it would have a side effect, and another drug would be prescribed to address the side effect. At one point she was on more than a dozen drugs, some of which directly counteracted each other (e.g., antidiarrheal + laxative). A holistic evaluation of all her prescriptions led to the discontinuation of several and greatly improved her quality of life. In general I try to avoid taking prescription drugs unless absolutely necessary, take them for as short a time as possible, research all the available options and their risks and side effects to discuss with the doctor and ensure that we are choosing the best medication for me, and speak up assertively about side effects and the medication’s effectiveness or lack thereof.

    6. I’m 34 so grain of salt- My dad is like your aunt- he’s 77, has had some major hereditary heart issues and surgery, but since then has been back to his swimming a mile under 40 minutes, can do more push ups than me (and I am super fit) and other antics. I think a lot of it is consistency. He’s been active his whole life and has had a consistently good diet (a lot of fruits, vegetables, and non animal protein). He’s also worked pretty hard at having a zen attitude toward life which I think helps.

    7. Try working with a personal trainer or join a workout group to keep you motivated. I think working out with other people helps keep you accountable. Also spending money on it makes me feel like I need to get the most bang for my buck.

    8. I’m 41. Sunscreen as a teenager and in my 20s is paying off now.

       It is a lot harder to get in shape in your 30s and 40s. I’m a runner. Ramping up mileage is tougher when you get older; body aches are real and recovery is a lot slower. The people who are very good now tend to be those who kept at it through their 20s and 30s.

       To that end, even if you aren’t aiming for competitive racing or anything, keeping a good base of fitness is incredibly important. Stretch, yoga, aerobic activity, some speed work (it’s amazing how slow you get if you do not deliberately sprint), swim, bike, whatever.

    9. Obviously luck and health play a big part here , but there’s so much we can do as well! Staying active, stretching/yoga, eating well, sleeping enough, limiting stress, staying engaged (socially, with hobbies, etc) keeping the brain active are all huge.

    10. Both of my grandmothers lived well into their 90s and both woke up every morning and did a light exercise routine for 15-20 minutes. No equipment required. Lots of running in place type of stuff. One grandma couldn’t walk without a cane at one point (and later needed a walker) and still did her leg stretches and air moves in bed, lying down. Obviously genes played a part and luck (the one who needed assistance had an awful car accident that nearly killed her) but routine commitment really helped too.

        I think one mistake that we make today is to have an all or nothing approach to exercise so we either go to the gym for an hour or sit on the couch all day and I think the people who age successfully often just sneak being active into their daily lives by doing little chores that force them to keep moving, use the stairs, take frequent walks, volunteer for activities that force them to do stuff, etc. All the times in my life that I have felt the best, have been times when I basically made “don’t be lazy” my motto and would do stuff like return a dirty cup to the kitchen right away, put away stuff right away, take the stairs every time, get off at an express stop and walk to my destination, etc. I think all those little things really add up to making you feel better.

        1. Agree with this. It was a different time and different place for my extended family in medium city India decades ago where healthcare wasn’t what it is in America. I’ll say from watching my grandfather and great uncle and hearing from others who similarly talk about their grandfathers, it seems like it was all about staying active. No gyms or personal trainers back then, though my great uncle had money and the interest so he played tennis at a club nearly daily well into his 80s. But my grandfather – ALWAYS walking. He was the type who’d be like oh that place is only a kilometer or two away, why would I take the car? And no this isn’t the type of place where there are sidewalks or no cars but he did it anyway. After dinner nearly daily he’d be walking around the neighborhood. As he got older of course it was slow walking, slow stair climbing, but he still did it and would be offended at the idea that he should not walk, should have someone drop him off at the door someplace. I think it made all the difference in the world. He kept going until really his last few months in his later 80s.

           Sadly over a decade later having much better resources like gyms, trainers, equipment, I see certain current elders in my family NOT doing this and their retirement and aging is scarier. It’s a lot more sitting on the sofa all the time scrolling the phone, some are into those all meat diets etc.

           1. My GF walked a mile after breakfast every day and lived actively into his 90s. After my GM died (also in her 90s), he was dead within a year, I’m convinced it was of a broken heart. So if you are solo, find some people and make your tribe — I think the Golden Girls were onto something and simple companionship makes a big difference in how you attack life or surrender to it.

    11. Botox.

    12. My mom has been collecting this knowledge for the last 20 years from her older friends, and overall what I have learned from her is to keep your mind and self engaged. Try new things! Make it a point to walk regularly. See the doctor regularly AND actually take their advice. Eat fish, healthy produce, new things. When you retire from working, have other things to throw yourself into. Be it a larger garden or home based activities, or volunteering in the community, have something that makes you feel engaged with your life and the larger world. My grandmother who lived a super active life until 90, when her brain started to give out, said as long as she felt like she was useful to the world, she felt young. When she stopped doing volunteer work she said the years caught up to her super quickly.

    13. Never letting yourself get out of shape! Not getting overweight. Stretching/yoga/mobility exercises.

    14. My dad is 75 and is sharp and in great shape. He has never really formally exercised or belonged to a gym, but has always been active as part of his regular life — had dogs that he takes on multi-mile hikes or walks daily, does woodworking that requires lots of bending and lifting, reads a ton, gets an annual physical, and regularly goes to see plays or the symphony. When he was younger he did yoga because my mom liked it so it was sort of a date activity and took a few tai chi classes because he was curious to learn about it. He also does an annual fishing trip for a week with friends (going on 20 years) that is a great source of joy and something he looks forward to. So I’d say figure out how to be more active and engaged as part of your life and not an “extra” thing because you’re much more likely to stick with it.

        1. This. I mean activity is activity no matter what so if your way of keeping active is my forcing yourself into the gym an hour a day, that’s obviously hugely beneficial if the option is sitting on the couch. But the people I’ve seen do really well in retirement are the types like your dad. They naturally are go go go people. Doesn’t mean they’re running marathons but they have some interests and their interests involve something other than TV. Their interests keep them moving, standing, lifting, whatever it may be. And yes I think having things to look forward to is important to whether it’s fishing trips with your friends or the opera you attend monthly or whatever. I think it’s detrimental where certain older people seem to just look forward to their kids or grandkids calling or visiting or gossiping with family.

           1. Your use of “naturally” here raises a really interesting point – how much of this is something we can “try” to do versus people who naturally live longer are those who are active, engaged, interested in the world, etc. However, if you’re the type of person to sit and veg out in front of the TV 18 hours a day in retirement, does “knowing” that you age better if you go to the symphony once a month have any meaning or make it any more likely that you’ll do so?

    15. Honestly, I bet you could do the same things. You just have to go start doing them. Go for a bike ride or sign up for a yoga class and see how it goes.

        1. I bike, run, do yoga and lift and know that I can’t do those things! I tap out at 20 miles on the bike and could do the strength she does but not all at once, would have to break it into sets!

           1. It could be your diet or sleep, but it’s also way easier to do those things when you’re not also sitting in a chair on meetings every day. How much protein are you getting? To gain strength you might need 80-120g a day.

    16. Hard to know where genes come in, but my dad’s mom lived to her 90s and she really declined in her 80s when she started losing all of her friends and became more sedentary. Until then, she was walking to the store or synagogue every day, taking care of her home, and really aged well. Cooked all of her own food, always, and was very active with her neighborhood. My mom’s dad lived until his mid-80s, and he aged very well too. Was active his whole life as a horseback rider; survived cancer; and in his 70s when he started riding less (injuries catch up with you), he really upped bike riding, walking, and gardening. Was sharp as a tack until the end, and everything he ate was home cooked. His second wife took great care of him – she was a lot younger and after his health issues with the cancer, she was amazing about preparing nutritious food at home for them.

        Now, I see a stark difference between my mom and her sister. They’re both in their early 70s and mentally as sharp as ever — still working, both readers and involved grandmothers. But my mom has always taken very good care of weight and is extremely conscientious about nutrition. When I was a kid she didn’t do much “exercise” but walked everywhere (we lived in a big city). When she moved to a non-walking city in her 60s, she was very disciplined about yoga, walking the neighborhood, pilates, and got an at home bike. I’d say she probably exercises – lightly but diligently – 30-60 minutes a day, and she looks amazing. Her sister has energy but is definitely starting to decline a lot faster. She never exercises, is very overweight, and constantly eating out or doing some kind of crash diet. She struggles to walk the neighborhood now and increasingly seems to have health issues.

        I’m in my late 30s and wish I’d been better about sunscreen growing up in the sunny south! I’ve always been somewhat active and careful with nutrition, and I think that helps a lot. I do notice, though, that it’s easier for me to “lose it” if I don’t “use it” even for a short period of time. Takes a bit longer to get back to my previous reps when I haven’t exercised in a few months, and I REALLY notice it when I haven’t stretched in a while — yoga doesn’t just come easily after a long break anymore. I’m trying to be better about fitting things into my life and doing more active things around my neighborhood / office instead of being annoyed that I can’t stick to a gym routine with small kids at home.

    17. My parents are in their late 60s and still pretty active. My dad walks a ton and always has. My mom played tennis until her knee went to hell and now she swims. They watch my nephew, which I was worried about but honestly has been a huge boon for them – they take him to the library, parks, swim lessons, etc. They are very close with family and friends. I’m so grateful that they are relatively healthy and enjoying their retirement.

        1. Forgot to add – they read a ton and enjoy learning new things. My dad taught himself how to build golf clubs and is an incredible semi-professional photographer. Mom loves reading about history and science and bought a telescope a few years ago.

    18. Botox! In the habit of getting it 3 times a year for 20 years,

    19. Good genes, good luck, good weight and making plans with fiends to go walking or something active instead of drinking alcohol or eating sugary things.

    20. What is your advice on fillers? For basil labial, marionette lines, under eye.

12. Thanks to all for the Berlin suggestions! I thought I would do a day trip to Potsdam. Any tour suggestions? I signed up with Insider Tour Berlin for a trip but it is almost suspiciously cheap ($25 for a 6 hour tour, though does not include train ticket). I’m willing to pay for to make it easy for myself but also don’t quite have the budget for a full private tour. I would have loved to have done a bike tour with Fat Tire but unfortunately the dates don’t work.

    1. I did this trip with no tour. If you’re really into the tours, great! But really there’s like one thing to see in Potsdam if you’re there for a half day and it’s Sanssouci palace. I can’t remember exactly, but I think we just got off the train and walked there (which takes you through the town too). Then you can spend lots of time wandering the grounds or going inside if it’s open.

    2. I’m the respondent who lives in Berlin and I would see what art exhibition is on at the Barberini. The cafe out back by the water is nice. If you’re into history, take the bus out to the Cecilienhof where the ww2 armistice was signed. Wander through the Dutch quarter.

13. How much to tip biweekly housekeepers? They work for a service; same team every time, usually about two hours. DC area. TIA!

    1. Admittedly I use an individual woman who has her own team, but I can’t see tipping every visit. I tip the full amount of one visit at Christmas.

       1. +1

       2. +1 mine come every other week. It’s the wife’s business, she and her husband are always the ones who come and I only tip them at the holidays (the amt of a full clean).

       3. +1

       4. Same.

       5. I don’t have a housekeeper any more but I did the full visit tip at the end of the year.

    2. I do 20 percent and just consider it part of the total fee. I also tip the cost of one cleaning at Xmas.

14. ideas for inlaws 40th anniversary. we live halfway across the country and cannot be there in-person to celebrate, though they will be visiting us the weekend prior

    1. Depending on how much time / effort you want to spend, I got 40 friends of my parents to submit a photo & a story and made up one of those photobooks for my parents’ 40th.

15. For those who shop a fair amount, does Nordstrom have sales usually or not really? I’ve only ever bought a formal dress from there years ago so I don’t know the store. But spotted a suit I really want. It’s online and regular Nordstrom, not Rack if that matters. Is that a store that’ll do a site wide percentage off at some point like an Ann Taylor or BR or does everything eventually go on sale like a Macys? Is it better to wait a few weeks as stores will start rolling out early discounts for the holidays or does Nordstrom just not do that so you risk not getting your size or color?

    1. Nordstrom does not have nearly as many sales as those other stores. Things may get marked down eventually, but they also might sell out. Note that anything you buy can be returned forever (really, forever).

    2. The only time Nordstrom has ever had a % off everything sale was in spring 2020. They discount some items at seemingly random times, towards the end of the season, and around Black Friday. They also price-match so you’ll often see a discount at Nordstrom when another retailer puts the same item on sale. When I see something I want there, I usually order it right away without waiting for a sale because sizes tend to sell out.

       1. Agree both. Price match for 14 days so buy it now then look for a better price. Return anything forever is key.

16. I need someone to remind me that every time I think I feel depressed, I actually just need more sleep.
    I’ve been feeling down, unmotivated, lethargic etc
    I get enough sleep a few nights in a row, and I’ve been super productive both at home and at work.

    Woke up and got out of bed immediately, cleaned my kitchen before work, took out the trash, got through a work task I’ve been procrastinating (why? who knows?), did some admin work.

    When I’m feeling down all of the above just feels unsurmountable and each thing is a big deal. Everyone thinks it sounds dumb but its just so hard to start a task or just to do it.

    I’m on Wellbutrin, but the Wellbutrin definitely works much better when I get enough sleep too.

    1. “When I’m feeling down all of the above just feels unsurmountable and each thing is a big deal. Everyone thinks it sounds dumb but its just so hard to start a task or just to do it.”

       Doesn’t sound dumb at all – I completely relate. I am good about getting enough sleep, but my challenges are 1) exercise and 2) not drinking too much. I don’t like doing exercise, but when I’m on my butt all day, all week, I fall into that hole where little things feel so hard. Movement helps so much, but I need to constantly remind myself. Likewise I would love a nightly glass of wine (or two) , but I know if I have it I won’t sleep as well and will be prone to sadness.

    2. I saw something online that was essentially, ‘no, everyone doesn’t hate you, you’re just about to get your period’. And, yea, that’s me. I’ve had my period since I was 11 and yet somehow in my 40s the mood swings/anxiety/insomina take me by surprise every.single.month.
       Can someone invent an app that combines a habit tracker, non-woo mantras and gentle reminders to practice self care?

17. For those that are still masking and I know it isn’t many people, do you have any parameters regarding where you mask? Is it everywhere indoors no matter how many people or do you only mask in indoor places that could have crowds like stores? I need to go look at a house and the sellers wouldn’t be there so it would be me and one real estate person, who I know for sure won’t mask, has young kids in school where I assume there’s spread, and he’s generally just living normal life. I also need to go to a one on one meeting sitting in a conference room with someone and for him I don’t know him well enough to know anything about his life outside work. Part of me thinks it looks bad to mask with just one person, though this is the DC area. Masking is down a lot, but people aren’t hostile about another person masking. For seeing the house I’m also leaning towards, if you want to sell me a house and make a commission, you’re going to have to look past the mask.

    1. if you need to wear a mask because you’re high risk, wear the mask without concern.

       if you’re not high risk but only want to wear a mask when it’s of maximum benefit to you and minimum possible judgment from others, that’s ok too. I would not GAF what a realtor thought about my mask wearing.

    2. I agree that you shouldn’t worry about what people think. If you’ll feel more comfortable in a mask, mask up. For better or worse, I now assume it’s equally likely that someone I see wearing a mask is risk adverse or in day 5+ after covid infection … so don’t worry that the folks your meeting are seeing you one way or the other.

       I’m low risk and have no high risk people in my immediate family, and my household with elementary school kids are all vaxxed/boosted. I have not been infected (to my knowledge, and despite lots of at home tests) yet. I mask only in very crowded situation/tight quarters (e.g., concert, kids play at a school auditorium, etc.) but don’t really bother for grocery store/running errands/restaurants/etc. I’m still a far outlier, but know many people who have gotten it from those higher exposure situations.

    3. I wear a mask on public transportation but didn’t wear one in my yoga class this morning with 5 other people. I just got over covid 2 weeks ago so I feel comfortable as far as my immunity. For the house, I’d wear a mask and not care one bit what she thought.

    4. I mask in indoor spaces in most circumstances – exceptions have been a couple small group dinners and indoor gatherings with a few close friends. I mask at work cause I do not want to get covid from work (just not worth it). I am not judgmental at all about what other people choose. But I stick to my guns about my own choice to wear a mask.

    5. Realtors are sales people, people in sales KNOW that the easiest way to not get the sale is to insult the buyer. They’re there to do a job and make money, I highly doubt he even cares.

       As for the work meeting, I can’t tell if you mean job interview or an existing job. In either event I’d still mask if you feel comfortable. I mean if it’s anew job that doesn’t want you because they think you’re weird because you’re masking, don’t you want to know that now? If it’s an existing job, you have enough social and professional capital to do what you want regarding masking.

    6. Why are you being such a drama? He’s selling you a house. Just politely ask him to wear a mask if it’s important to you and bring a spare with you.

    7. We mask indoors everywhere because we see zero downside to it. We’re not high risk. Our child is maskless and school and has maskless indoor play dates with friends, but wears a mask when she goes to the grocery store or in a plane with us.

    8. Wear it freely and breezily whenever you wish! I am still masking in public places such as when I was looking for apts to rent, grocery store, etc. On the other hand, I don’t bother always if I know I’ll be unmasked with that party later (ie wouldn’t mask for the meeting if we’re going to lunch later). In Jersey and New England, I haven’t seen much in the way of judgement. I commonly see people who are mostly unmasked pick up masking before major events, weddings, travel, etc just to avoid having to cancel plans.

    9. High risk here, and I basically mask indoors always. I would not hesitate to mask in either of the situations you mention. Outdoors I mask if I’m in really close proximity to anyone. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t care what others think or do.

       1. I read a comment I think on twitter where someone asked the OP on a plane, “why are you wearing a mask? We don’t have to any more.” The OP responded, “wearing a mask helps me mind my own business” and I am SAVING that for the next time someone asks me the same.

          1. I think we saw the same tweet, and I have adopted this answer, too. Works wonders.

          2. I read one that said “Tell them you’re wearing a mask because you just tested positive for Covid and watch them squirm.” Wish I had the guts to do that. I usually just mumble something about spending a lot of time with my high risk 70-something parents.

          3. I love that! Saving for future use.

             I’ve just been saying “cancer” and it works just fine most of the time. (Except the few people who don’t eff right off then somehow feel like now they are entitled to take a detailed medical history from me, and then I have to activate my “eye lasers of death” glare.)

             1. Holy heck will people never get a clue.

          4. Gold! Thank you! I wear one doing double duty: Covid and also because of an artificial fragrance allergy. Just walking past someone who uses fabric softener gives me a migraine.

       2. Same. Do some of my friends think I’m crazy only wanting to meet outdoors and masking even then? Yes. Do they still meet me and my family? Also yes.

    10. I do whatever I want with masks. Basically at work (where we are routinely tested) I don’t wear a mask since it makes it harder to communicate with my team and we’re being tested so it’s lower risk. With friends I don’t mask because that’s a high joy activity and I’m accepting the risk. Pretty much everywhere else I mask because the risk is higher and/or the reward is lower of not masking. I might make an exception if I’m in and out of someplace in less than a few minutes and it’s very uncrowded. You have permission from this internet stranger to do what you want!

    11. I mask everywhere except in very small groups with family and close friends. Until the beginning of the summer I was masking indoors even in these small-group situations. Dropping masking in these situations results from the choice to trade off a relatively low risk of exposure (fewer people = less likelihood that someone in the group is infected) for the benefit of being able to share meals with people who are important to me. I don’t think my family and friends are any less likely to be infected than a stranger or a real estate agent, but I just don’t place any value on unmasking for a real estate agent so the risk/benefit calculation there is different. When kids go back to school next week I will resume masking around family and friends with germy young kids because I want to avoid RSV, colds, flu, etc. in addition to Covid.

        I mask at all times for in-person work events and meetings, even when I’m the speaker, and take my lunch outdoors. No one dares to say anything about it, at least not to my face. Some people offer to put on their own masks when they see mine.

    12. I mask indoors and if it’s crowded outdoors. I don’t eat inside a restaurant if I can help it.

        I went to a very well-attended funeral last week and there was a lot of hugging and chatting in a closely spaced outdoor crowd and I didn’t end up with COVID, knock wood. I was nervous about it but you don’t skip a funeral. FYI I’m super high risk and haven’t had COVID yet.

        If you feel more comfortable masking in the situations you describe with the realtor, then mask.

    13. I’m still wearing a 3M Aura N95 mask indoors regardless of the type of activity. I don’t care what the optics are.

        On the plane recently, I upgraded to an Envo respirator. Lots of stares from others, but IDGAF. To the rude person asking me whether I’m afraid of something or why on earth I still mask I just said: “The mask helps me keep my nose out of other people’s business. You should try it sometimes.”

        FWIW. I am a biochemist who worked on SARS-Cov-1 in the early 2000’s. Some well-known leaders in virology and adjacent fields take way more precautions than the average person now, and I tend to think there’s a reason for that.

        1. The optics are: I care about my health and others. Thank you

        2. I agree, the people I know who are most worried about Covid and its longterm implications are PhDs in virology. I think a lot of the general public is really burying their heads in the sand about how bad its going to be for people to just keep getting infected over and over again with this novel virus. The brain damage stuff in particular worries me, since dementia is one of the few diseases with essentially zero treatment options and it runs in my family to begin with.

           Remember that eye protection is really important too. You can get glasses with clear lenses if you feel it’s too dorky to wear a face shield or goggles. My husband and I flew together and he got Covid and I didn’t. I think the fact that I wear glasses is a big factor.

    14. I basically just wear a mask inside unless I have some reason not to – in general, I don’t mask in friends’ houses but mask anywhere else indoors.

    15. I mask when I go indoors to anywhere other than our home. It’s easiest for me to follow this guideline for myself and keep it simple, plus it minimizes the risk of getting Covid, which is the desired effect. I work exclusively from home and don’t have kids, so for me this works fine. I don’t need to wear a mask for any extended periods. My wife faces elevated risks for complications if she gets Covid, and both of us prefer to stay very Covid cautious.

18. On a Minimalist kick and I need you all to tell me it is okay to give away my big chunky necklaces I do not wear. I used to wear them but I don’t now. I am stuck on this which is funny considering I’ve donated and pitched so much of the stuff I have that I do not use or enjoy. It’s okay right? Right?!

    1. Give them away freely! Give them to your children or nieces or friend’s kids for dress-up jewelry. See if your local high-school drama club wants them for the costume closet. Give them to a thrift store so a Gen Z-er in a bucket hat can find them and say how cool and “vintage” they are.

    2. I’m going to go the other way on this one actually. If you need to be told it’s OK, it’s more than likely not for some reason, and you should hang onto them for a bit longer. I went through a minimalist phase a few years ago, and ended up being glad I’d kept something I was on the fence about. I also have a cedar chest where I keep some things that are no longer useful to me, but are too sentimental to part with.

    3. I have read that thrift stores get excited about receiving anything other than clothing, and jewelry is their favorite. So donate away and feel good about it!

    4. You have this internet strangers blessing to declutter the chunky necklaces.

       My for some reason difficult items are short pencil skirts.

    5. Absolutely! Pass them on so someone else can wear and enjoy them. Think of them like the toys in Toy Story – they don’t want to sit in your drawer in the dark collecting dust. They want to be out on a neck, seeing the world!

    6. If you have room, tuck them away for now. You don’t have to get rid of things that make you happy, even if you aren’t wearing them right now.

    7. I hear rumor that they’re coming back into style…

19. If you track your time at work, do you think its a good way to capture your work or how much you’ve done?

    I generally think not, but I’ve been thinking about this today because a colleague asked me how to get a fairly obscure piece of data. I was able to find it in 15 minutes – because I’d worked with similar data before and had a good idea of where to look and knew how to manipulate it etc etc. So it was definitely worth it for me to do that instead of my colleague spending an hour and maybe not finding it, but if you were just looking at “how much work” the latter would seem like . . . more work

20. I promise I’m not trying to poke the bear here, but this is helping me so I want to pass it along.

    Most student loan borrowers are eligible for a refund of payments made during the pandemic deferment. I nearly paid my loans off entirely in 2020-2021 since everything went to the principal. Because my current balance is less than $10k, I requested a refund and plan to apply for forgiveness once the application is available. It took about an hour on the phone with my servicer (mostly on hold) and was told to look for a paper check in 4-6 weeks.

    Obviously this doesn’t help/apply to everyone, but surely someone else is in my shoes or knows someone in my shoes. I hope it’s useful.

    1. Do you happen to know whether it applies to current students with ongoing annual loans?

       1. Unfortunately I don’t know – their best bet would be to contact their loan servicer/financial aid office.

    2. poke all you want – people who are bitter and mad are already so and won’t change their minds.
       I’m looking forward to hearing success stories from people who got their loans forgiven! I really hope this helps a lot of people.

       1. Me too!

    3. Very glad it’s helping you! I think it’s a good thing.

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