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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
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(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Bonnie
DC Corporettes!
There is a venue change for next week’s meetup because the original location is unavailable. We will be meeting on Tuesday, October 18th at 6:30 p.m. at the Laughing Man Tavern. I reserved space at the downstairs bar. If you have any questions, email me at dccorporette at yahoo dot com Hope to see you there!
Ellen
I will NOT be abel to make it after all! The manageing partner has me doing a very important EBT on a Workmen’s Compenseation case that day, and that will eventueally go in front of an A.L.J., so I am busy now prepearing for it.
Please give my best to everyone!
Kanye East
They call ’em EBT’s in DC? I thought that was a NY thing.
Thanks for teaching me something, Ellen! Love ya!
CFM
She is in NY she thought she would be in DC that week if the manageing partner let her! I will pour a little cosmo out for you Ellen
Kanye East
That guy has the worst bad breathe.
Monday
I am NOT a laweyr like Ellen and so I do NOT know what the EBT or ALJ is. However, I remember Ellen was going to have a CLEINT MEETING in Greenbelt MD, and THAT is why she thought she could attend. She Most recently said that her PARENTTS are paying her rent in NYC.
Bonnie
There is a venue change for next week’s meetup because the original location is unavailable. We will be meeting on Tuesday, October 18th at 6:30 p.m. at the Laughing Man Tavern. I reserved space at the downstairs bar. If you have any questions, email me at dccorporette at yahoo dot com Hope to see you there
Argie
Random question – does anyone ever get emails that have been misdirected to them? My gmail account is FirstInitialLastName – and I have gotten enough misaddressed emails that I’ve started collecting them in a separate folder. Several are people with the same first and last name, some just have the same first initial.
So far, an art student in Winnipeg, a guy from Australia that ordered a computer from Dell and signed up for Groupon, a name doppleganger from CA that just reserved a camping space in CA, and a rabbi in NY state. The last one is my favorite – I got asked to write an article for the Purim edition of someone’s newsletter. I replied to let them know I was Catholic, and that maybe they had the wrong email address?
So, I’m curious – has anyone else run into this?
Ru
HAHA no, but that is awesome
Oneanon
Happens to me – I’m first name dot last name. I maybe get 2-4 emails a month that should have gone to another first name last name. I just hit reply and tell them they have the wrong person, then delete.
Research, Not Law
This.
another anon
I occasionally get these types of things–earlier this week I got invited to someone’s birthday party in South Africa.
Anon
No, but I once did a freaky thing and emailed someone with the exact same name as me with the email address I wanted and introduced myself. (We don’t have a common name.) She replied and it was just weird to know someone in Australia had my exact name. This was long before facebook, etc was invented though.
Argie
Ha – it is weird. So far I am also a rabbi in NY, a news reporter in Michigan, someone who likes to camp in CA, and a student at college in Winnipeg.
Argie
And then there was the time I got an email from my bridesmaids about the bachelorette party.
I was not getting married.
spacegeek
There is a woman with my same name including middle initial who works at another branch of my company. I get emails that are meant for her. Thing is, we work in two different states and have never met! I wonder if she gets my mail…
Ruthy Sue
This used to happen to me at my previous job. Except same name and middle initial, except she worked in Germany and I worked in California. At least the different language made it easy to tell which emails weren’t meant for me!
Lucy
As a grad student for about a year I pretty regularly got emails for someone else with the same first initial and last name who was also a student – I usually would reply back that the person had the wrong address. I ended up exchanging a few emails with several of this person’s friends when he or she was planning his or her wedding – guests needing directions, people rsvp-ing to showers, etc. One email began with a huge disclaimer about how clueless the sender was about having misplaced the person’s snail mail address, which was funny.
It was kind of fun to imagine this parallel life.
and so anon
My college let me create my own router address, e.g., createdname.mycollege.edu. I used my initials. As it happens, my initials spell out the surname of a then-current undergrad. I kept getting her emails. I wrote her and her correspondents and it was cleared up fairly quickly,
But I had another, more serious issue: Someone of the same age, same ethnicity, same general educational background, same field (in a less prestigious job) with my name. I called her after being confused for her several times and we agreed to use our initials. I complied, she didn’t. I still keep getting mixed up with her, to the point that my college, unbidden changed my directory info to hers.
Michelle
apparently my email (first initial/middle initial/last name) is very similar to someone named Mary who works in Boston in the bar and spirits industry – not sure exactly what she does but she periodically gets emails regarding one or another special promotional event around a brand of beer or whatever at some club. I send them back with a note that I am not Mary, but I secretly envy her life, as she clearly has a way more fun job than I do.
b23
The federal judge I clerked for had the same name as a pretty famous swimsuit model! If you Google her, the images at the top are all of this tan, slippery-looking woman in bikinis.
SF Bay Associate
This happens to my friend all the time. He’s an early gmail adopter, so his email is simply lastname@gmail. While his last name is somewhat unusual here (one historic judge we’ve all read cases from has the same name, but I’ve never met one before), it’s VERY common in a particular European country. So he gets emails ALL the time in that country’s language from people there looking to get a hold of their friend lastname. He also gets spam in that country’s language. It’s kind of awesome.
Anon
Yes! Although my situation is the reverse I am lastname.first@email.com and the person who is firstname.lastname@email.com gets emails for me somewhat regularly. I have an incredibly ethnic name and she is in the country where my parents are from. Actually last time I went to that country, I visited the city where she lived and we got together for a drink. It was a really cool “small world” moment.
I think she find getting my emails enjoyable rather than annoying because I have an interesting career that makes me travel alot so the emails would deal with quirky american things.
Kanye East
One of my email accounts is a transliteration of my fake Chinese name (another story for another day) and you would not believe how much spam I get in Mandarin.
Ru
Homegirl, it’s the weekend thread. Pony up the fake Chinese name story.
PHX
And make sure you do in as a new comment so that we can all find it! LOL
Bonnie
Ru, you crack me up.
Ru
Can you believe how Kanye was trying to play us? PSHK!!!!
Kanye East
Anything for you. It’s further down.
Anonymous
I’m with Ru.
Ses
Thirded.
Anon
No, but similarly, and hilariously, one of the senior associates at my previous law firm kept a binder of all accidential “reply all” emails in the firm, including, but not limited to, a hilarious pocket email by a partner saying “grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” and various responses to her “anger”
Cracks me up every time, especially since she was incredibly uptight.
Anonymous
was snorting at my desk. stop being so funny!
NYC
This is a great idea.
Herbie
At my firm, I kept a folder in my Inbox called “Box of Shame.” At first it was for firm-wide e-mails that never should have been (thank you, old partner, for e-mailing the entire firm about the awesome place you can get a Philly cheese steak two blocks away; and thank you, newly minted partner, for e-mailing the entire firm asking if anybody had seen your lost coffee cup). It ended up also being my collecting place for funny e-mail chains from friends.
At my new job, I just have a folder called “Box of Hilarity.”
karenpadi
Yes. My gmail is firstname.lastname. If it’s an email address I can reply to, I reply and correct the sender.
My issue is with other people using my email to sign up for accounts or mailing lists (like alumni lists). I have to close the account or repeatedly hit “unsubscribe”. Trust me, there is a very kinky person out there with my first and last name.
I had the scholastic book club emailing me and even though I kept unsubscribing, my email would always get re-subscribed. I finally got an invoice identifying my doppelganger enough to google her. So I called her work phone after business hours and left a message explaining the situation and asking that she email me her real email address so I could forward the invoice. I felt like a stalker…
CN
For three years I received emails from a woman I didn’t know. Mostly political and religious forwards that I ignored. I assumed I had met her somewhere.
One day her email said, “CN, Call me, we need to talk about your Dad.” I wrote her back and said, sorry, wrong person, etc. She wrote back immediately “CN, you’re scaring me, call your mother!” I wrote back again and she replied yet again, incredulous with growing fear that someone had “kidnapped” her daughter.
I told her to please call her daughter, she was surely fine and could clear this up right away.
Got an email back in minutes saying simply “I’m so sorry…”
Ru
LOL that sounds like something from Postcards from Yo Momma.
CN
Ha! Totally.
PT lawyer
No, but my home phone number is one digit (the last one) different from that of the local Chinese restaurant.
We just don’t bother answering the phone on certain nights.
AIMS
Back before you had to dial area codes on your cell phone, I would get calls every morning on my cell from folks wanting a doctor’s appointment because apparently my cell no. was the same as the no. for some doctor’s office in Queens. I was in college at the time and not an early riser, so it was definitely annoying to get calls starting 8 am.
another anon
Oh, this reminds me. For a while after I got my new work cell phone number, I was getting all kinds of wrong numbers from someone’s kids’ school (including some very early morning calls re: snow days),
as well as skeevy texts from dudes who thought they had met me at some club. Best I can figure is that someone was using my number as their “fake” number. It seems to have stopped now though.
A. L.
It may have been that your number was turned over quickly from the previous user. When I switched to AT&T, I apparently got my number from someone who had just recently had their service shut off. For the next week or so I got calls where the person’s first words were “yo where you at girl”–which to me sounded like the caller was pretty good friends with the person they were trying to reach, and would’ve known if that person’s number had changed or been shut off for more than a few days.
In markets where numbers are in short supply, I think phone carriers will turn a number over pretty quickly when someone cancels or doesn’t pay their bill.
Elisa
When I switched cell companies recently I had a temporary number until I could port my previous one. Almost immediately I started receiving calls from a man trying to get ahold of his estranged wife. He simply would not believe that I wasn’t her. Thank goodness I only had that number for a few days.
My parent’s landline number is nearly the same as the local urologist’s number. I think the first two digits are reversed. My mom gets tons of early calls for appointments, and was even verbally assaulted by some a**hole once because he thought she was lying.
Sydney Bristow
This makes me think that I should call my fake number someday and apologize for using it as such!
A
I have had several automated calls on my work line announcing that various children had balances of zero or negative balances in their accounts at the school cafeteria. I was sad that these poor kids couldn’t get lunch and the stupid computer was calling me rather than their guardians who could actually do something about it.
L
There is a guy in California who has a very similar gmail address as me. He is around my age and, turns out, we both went to law school. I’ve been receiving accidental emails for him (and him for me) for six years. We have unintentionally seen each other through the entire process from LSATs to the bar, to the first years of practice!
Blonde Lawyer
No but my cell phone number was very close to some very old lady’s granddaughter’s number. She would call me all the time and I’d politely tell her she had the wrong number and then she would tell me how she was trying to reach her lovely granddaughter to bring her up to date on x y and z. Each wrong number was a 10 minute phone call. If I didn’t answer, she would keep calling back. Often after the 10 minute wrong number call she would call back two or three times trying to get the right number. She would laugh and say “oh, I did it again.” I almost started to feel like we were becoming friends. One day the wrong numbers stopped. I’m hoping they got her a bigger phone or pre-programmed the granddaughters number. I hope the sweet lady hadn’t died.
anon 2.0
awww, I hope they did speed dial for her
Lydia
I have not been on the receiving end, but just the other day I realized I typed my friend’s email address incorrectly. I don’t know who I sent the email to, but I invited him/her on a great ski trip…
Ru
This thread is making me want to email the person who has my preferred email address and say, “Hey, wassup?”
MelD
Haha- funny you posted this today because I just got email from someone telling me about her 86-year-old uncle’s recent death.
found a peanut
I have an incredibly unique name so I don’t get random emails. But I do get random texts! I must have a phone # that is very similar to this person’s significant other, because I got this text: “I don’t want u in 2nd hand smoke. Bring that pet in before it gets killed. I”m getting so mad that i’m gonna barf.” I’ve told this person that i’m not who s/he thinks it is but every so often I get another text.
cginnyc
As an early gmail adopter, my address is firstname@gmail.com. However, while I have a very unique first name in my home country, I think my first name is a common last name is an east African country and I have been mistaken for a university professor. So far, I have received academic papers submitted for grades, resumes for grad assistants, a meeting invite for the tenure approval committee and requests to write reference letters. I also seem to have been mistaken for a high level TV executive in that country and have received several plot proposals for new reality TV shows, soap operas and sitcoms – I almost didn’t want to tell them they had the wrong person because the stuff I got to read was *very* interesting!
N
I’ve had a couple of situations. I have a very traditional Norwegian middle name, but it doesn’t translate well to the international alphabet – and I never use it, so my email is firstnamelastname- gmail.com And while it is not an extremely common name, there are still a few of us out there.
I’m in my 20s, single and no kids.
I’ve received a notification that my child has signed up for an account at Cartoon Network.
I’ve got the confirmation mail (including username/password) when one of my doubles ordered a baby crib somewhere in the States.
I’ve received a schedule from a casting agency telling me the date of my son’s commercial screen test.
And I’ve also ended up on a personal mailing list between some retirees who enjoy sending chain mail and jokes to each other. (In addition to personal stuff.) And so on.
For some of it, I try to stop it, or find the original recipient.
Erin
I kind of wish I had a more common name so this could happen to me! As far as I know, I’m the only person with my name.
a lawyer
Yes, mine seems to be some sort of government environmental agency person in Arkansas (adjacent to my home state.) I’ve had about one a year for several years.
fx analyst
I’ve never gotten a mistaken email, but a guy did start messaging me on linkedin where he addressed himself as my father. I politely replied and told him that he had the wrong person. He messaged me back and went on a tirade about how I should be more respectful to my father and so on/so forth. Moments after I read it, I got another message apologizing.
But seriously? I have a picture on my linkedin, how could you not tell it wasn’t your daughter?
AnonOne
I have an uncommon name so it doesn’t happen to me but my husband gets these all the time (always on gmail).
Anonymous
I have a very Irish name, so I get emails with about 6 variations of my name. They are always about family meet ups in Ireland and include a whole slew of CCd names. I used to reply and tell them “wrong mary”. Now I just delete.
Houda
One of the rare situations where I am grateful for having such an non-pronounceable last name..
Cats Ahoy!
My husband has the same name (and a very similar email address) as a semi-famous (I guess) Christian rock star. He gets emails intended for this guy at least once a week. Choir practice is this day, your demo tapes are ready, here is your registration confirmation for some Christian rock festival. If it was me, I’d have some fun with it, but he’s way more professional than I am.
Leigh
For months, I was mistakenly listed in the alumni section of some for-profit art school out in California. The actual person they wanted has my name, but with one letter different. I actually only found out about it when I got an email from the school asking me to give them a link on my “portfolio site.” I declined, and pointed out their mistake, but they didn’t remove me until I finally got fed up with being approached for graphic and web design work–not my field at all–and sent them another, pretty terse message about it. Had to send it to their admissions office because I couldn’t find any contact information for the webmaster. Judging by the quality of their website, I’m not entirely convinced they had one.
The kicker is that my baby sister was an illustration major in college, and I’ve always liked to get her goat by calling her a graphic designer. She thought this was about the funniest thing ever.
SCWOH
I have an insanely common name so my email is my first two initials followed by my last name and two numbers. My dad had been emailing “me” without the numbers. Apparently, she had the same first name and he signed the emails “dad” so no one caught on very quickly.
Dawn
Hi Ladies,
I am excited to be going to the US for vacation. I will be going to a Saks Off Fifth and Nordstrom Rack. I love designer shoes, but unfortunately I have wide feet and can only wear wide-width shoes. Has anyone who buys wide shoes had any luck at these stores finding wide sizes (eg. Cole Haan, Stuart Weitzman)?
Thanks.
spacegeek
Some… but really, these stores aren’t the best for specialty shoes–although I’ve found some great deals there, you have to be open to finding any shoe that fits your foot, rather than searching for The Perfect Black Pump or whatever.
SF Bay Associate
I see narrow widths occasionally at these stores, wide even less often. Instead, can you order a bunch of sale items on Zappos/Endless before you arrive, have them shipped to and held at your hotel in the US, and then ship the non-keepers back before you leave?
Dynia
I’m UK based but visiting my parents in the States over the holiday and am totally ordering things for arrival over Christmas and then shipping them all back.
SF Bay Atty
Nordstrom Rack helpfully labels its wide width shoes with a big “W” sticker (and “N” for narrow), but they can be few and far between, especially in popular shoe sizes. I’ve found that Cole Haan wide sizes are not wide enough for my feet, but I can still wear Mediums in many brands, so you can probably fit into medium width shoes for a lot of brands. Then again, it sounds like you might be looking for higher end shoes, which tend to run narrow.
anon
Rich people must have skinny feet.
Dawn
Thanks for all the tips, everyone! I will keep a look out for that W sticker and will also try to shop online and have them shipped ahead of me.
C.
Getting in early in hopes of some suggestions: I’m looking to switch banks. I’m currently a Bank of America customer, but I have no interest in paying $5 a month to use my debit card, so I’m investigating the alternatives. TD Bank looks relatively convenient and honest–anyone have any insight here? Alternatively, anyone totally love a different bank and think I should look there instead?
danielle
TD Bank is pretty great, I’ve banked with them for years. The only fee they charge is for using a non-TD ATM, but their ATMs are pretty ubiquitous, at least where I live, so that has never really been a problem for me. Their customer service has always been friendly and helpful and available 24/7. If your biggest thing is avoiding paying fees, though, you may want to look into an online checking account. I know some will even refund an ATM fee if you get charged one. If you mainly use direct deposit, online banks may be worth checking out.
Tigger
I replied to someone else about this too and I promise I don’t work for them, but I love ING. They’re an online only bank, but they have excellent customer service (an actual person answers the phone) and you can use any of the ATMs that you find in stores/quick marts etc for free. They’re definitely worth checking out. I had both BoA and ING and wanted to leave BoA because of the $5 and moved everything over to ING last week.
MissJackson
I love ING also — my experience has been fantastic. However, be aware that the US portion of ING was recently acquired by Capital One (not exactly known for their stellar customer service). I am crossing my fingers taht Capital One doesn’t ruin ING, but that remains to be seen.
Anon
Just an FYI that BOA is apparently not applying the debit card fee to all of its accounts. My husband and I are not being charged, for example. We’re in an account with a $25,000 minimum (which of course, I know is not feasible for everyone), but there might be other exempt accounts as well. Just noting this so people can make sure the fees will apply to them before switching banks.
SF Bay Associate
USAA, if you can get it. LOVE them.
Lhd
Yes. Best ever.
Missy
they are the best for everything. if you are eligible for insurance (if you ever were, or ever were the dependent of, someone who served in the military), you should use it. best rates. best coverage. best claims service.
Divaliscious11
I just switched to USAA – to heLLo with you Citibank and all your new fees!
Echo
I cannot say enough good things about USAA. Ever.
JAS1
My bopyfriend has TD Bank and he really likes them. He says that they refund foreign ATM fees for him.
I have a local credit union and I really like them. The interest on savings is always a teensy bit higher than at any other bank, the personal service is very good, and there are no monthly maintenance/use fees (except for things like bounced checks, obviously). The only downside is that the office hours are pretty limited, and of course, there aren’t as any ATMs outside of my area so when I am out of town I have to plan ahead or prepare to pay fees for using foreign atms.
PS: I have another account at Bank of America and I am leaving them too!
Terry
Not all state-chartered credit unions have deposit insurance. Just a heads-up for those who may be considering them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Credit_unions_in_the_United_States
PKat
*Not all have FDIC insurance-most all have insurance of some type. For the record FDIC insurance is not the answer to a bank failure. I would put my money on most credit unions any day.
Seattleite
JAS1, your typo put a bright spot in my afternoon.
I totally want a bopyfriend!
Ru
I was thinking this, too. Having a bopyfriend sounds like fun =).
Also, TDBank is the bomb (hellllooo 1997).
b23
Oh many, I almost said that about bopyfriend but then I was worried it was rude. But yes, I want a bopyfriend too.
JAS1
hahaha, glad I could give you all a little laugh! what a silly typo, though – those letters aren’t even close to each other on the keyboard!! Let’s hear it for Friday!
zora
actually, most credit unions are part of this system where they share their ATMs across the country in a ‘Network’. Basically, you can use the ATM of any other credit union in the network for free. I have been using credit unions for years, and travel a lot, and have always been able to find ATMs everywhere I go that I can use for free/no fees. Also, the ATMs in all 7-11’s are also part of the credit union network, so they are all free for me to use.
Also, I can get cash back with my debit card for free, obviously, so I often can just plan to get cash when I’m getting groceries, or at the drugstore. It requires a little bit of an adjustment to think about when I am getting cash, rather than just being able to always run to an ATM when I was with a major bank. But, frankly, I’m so used to it now, that it is not a hassle at all, and I don’t even think twice about it. And, credit unions do not keep adding crazy fees, they mostly invest their money in the local community, so I like that. I highly recommend switching to a credit union, I think they are the best ever.
b23
SCHWAB IS THE BEST!!! I love them. No fees of any kind, including ATM fees, which is great because Schwab doesn’t have its own ATM fees. They also send you pre-printed labels so you can deposit your checks by mail, and then they send you an email confirming that they received it. They are also super helpful on the phone and answer within the first two rings. I love them. Have I said that already??? :)
b23
There are also some storefronts too, so it’s better than a totally online bank. They also do free foreign ATMs.
karenpadi
In the SF Bay area, I highly recommend First Republic Bank. Their service is fantastic. The ATM rebate checking has a $3500 “minimum”* but then all my ATM fees (including the ones charged by the other banks) are rebated. I figure the $3500 is my local “emergency” fund and I wouldn’t be earning interest on it anyway in a savings account so I might as well have any ATM fees rebated. Plus, no worries about an overdraft!
*It’s technically not a minimum but I treat it like one. YMMV.
Jas
I used to have TD and I always had good experiences with them. Their customer service was good, their hours were good, and I always felt their fees were acceptable. I was quite sad when I had to switch because I moved and my current home town doesn’t have a TD.
found a peanut
I have to speak up against TD Bank. If you have under $100 in there they charge you a $15 monthly fee. Or at least they did 3-4 years ago. So if you are a person who doesn’t always have at least $100 in her account, I would look elsewhere.
MeliaraofTlanth
based on a conversation I overheard on the elevator the other day, they still do.
Anonymous
With the exception of special accounts for minors (you know, the “teach Junior to save his allowance and learn responsibility!” marketed ones), I can’t say that I’ve ever seen a checking account that didn’t have at least $100 as the minimum balance. I have no experience with credit unions though.
Erin
PNC does not have a minimum balance if you use direct deposit. Neither did my previous bank.
Erin
So glad I’m not the only Corporette with this problem.
Erin
I am extremely happy with my Virtual Wallet account with PNC. If you use direct deposit OR have a minimum balance, there will be no fees ever (some banks do this skeevy thing where they tell you there are no fees, but in reality, they’re just “waiving” the fees and they could start charging fees later. I’m looking at you, Citibank). I have found their customer service, both via phone and in person at a branch, to be extremely helpful and willing to help resolve any problems you have. The only complaint I have is that the online interface takes a while to load and is confusing for the first few weeks until you get used to it (I actually overdrew my account because I was looking at the wrong balance line on the website – but when I called, confused, they explained what happened and refunded the overdraft fee).
I considered TD Bank, but they had a higher minimum balance requirement and fewer perks than PNC. I don’t really care if my branch is open until 8pm and that seems to be the only thing TD really had going for it.
Erin
Oh, PNC also doesn’t charge you a fee for using another bank’s ATM, and they will refund a limited number of fees charged by the bank that owns the ATM as well.
Divaliscious11
Agreed on Citibank – we used to have our mortgage with them and everything was fine. Now my mortgage is with someone else and they now have a fee for this and a fee for that…wonder if they have a fee for leaving? I’ll soon find out. I’ll keep one basic account with them for convenience (depositing paper checks and transfers) but otherwise, bu-bye!
Anonymous
I have accounts with Chase, Wells Fargo, and ING. ING is by far the best, especially for online banking and moving funds. Wells Fargo is the worst, especially for doing stuff online or by phone. They always want me to visit the branch office – and they don’t have many. Chase is fine, but probably a few steps behind BOA when it comes to fees and ridiculous charges.
Kanye East
I figured this would get lost in the sea of responses to the question about running and blisters in an earlier thread, so I’ll post it here:
pointe shoe accessories can be great hacks for everything from running shoes to uncomfortable heels. Check out sites like discount dance [dot] com (no space) for things like gel-filled toe sleeves and gel tips, padded tape, and toe spacers (which can alleviate bunion pain). While don’t go full-on ouch-pouch, I regularly use pointe shoe accessories with a lot of my shoes for the office.
Of course, maybe this is just a signal that I should find better-fitting shoes. Or that I have funky feet.
Road Warriorette
Friday afternoon vent. My Outlook just freaking crashed and I can’t get anyone in IT to return my calls. Uuuuuggggghhhhhh
Research, Not Law
This is me, with some issue, every Friday. It’s great that my employer is so supportive of flexible work schedules, but as one of the very few people who work a regular schedule, some days I may as well just pack up and go home.
and so anon
Good luck.
and so anon
Those jeans look pretty literal 1970s to me. But I love Cat Stevens, now Yusef something.
I’m looking for a hard-headed woman …
JAS1
Trouble, ohhh, trouble move from me ….
Anonymous
Yusuf Islam.
soulfusion
Hello Corporettes! It has been ages and ages since I posted – or really even read the comments – because I’ve been out of all normal routines going through chemotherapy (some of you may remember when I was first waiting for biopsy results and got my diagnosis back in April when everyone was super supportive). I just wanted to stop by, say hello, thank everyone again for being such a supportive community and let you all know that I have finished chemo – YAY!
Mere
That is great news!
Houda
Great to hear you’re doing OK
Lawgirl
So nice to hear from you, soulfusion. I’ve thought of you (and said a prayer for you) often. Glad you’re done with chemo!!! Please continue to post when you have time. Godspeed.
bakema
It’s great to hear from you, soulfusion. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how things were going. Yay for finishing chemo!
Ru
Yay, welcome back!!!!! Hope everything is going well!!
Anonymous
Thank you for posting! We were worried about you. Congrats on finishing chemo!
Erin
Great to hear from you. Several commenters have posted asking about you. I am glad to hear that you are doing well. Keep up the updates!
a lawyer
WONDERFUL!!! Treat yourself to something really nice. I’m the one whose sister ran the SLC Marathon.
EC MD
FABULOUS news! Hope the next steps go well. Thank you so much for checking in, I think about you regularly! Hope that life moves in a direction that you are more able to indulge in this lovely distraction.
Unsub
Hey soulfusion – congrats to you! I’m watching my mom go through chemotherapy right now so I have some idea of how hard it is. I’m glad you got through it and I wish you NO MORE.
cbackson
YAY!
Blonde Lawyer
So glad to hear!
Coach Laura
Good news! Wishing you the best.
Ann
Wonderful news. We Corporettes did not forget about you. You’ve been in my prayers. I’m glad you are done with chemo.
Coach Laura
Good news/bad news. The good news is that I have my sight. Bad news – After wearing contact lenses instead of glasses since I was 12, I’ve been told that I have a degenerative eye disease (correctable by surgery but otherwise leading to blindness – jikes!) so I cannot wear contact lenses anymore. So last night I was happy to read Kat’s eyeglasses suggestions and feel much happier about picking out a few pairs (work, play and sunglasses) this weekend. Thanks Kat! And I have flexible spending money to use too, so that makes it less painful.
Happy Friday all!
Ru
Wow, glad you have options! I believe that there is also a great post at youlookfab for picking out glasses, so do check on that as well.
SF Bay Associate
I’m going to get new glasses with my flex spending too. Yay glasses :). Also, get Rx sunglasses… best freaking things ever.
NOLA
I would suggest that if you have to wear them every day, go ahead and splurge and buy frames that you love at a place that will remake the lenses if they won’t work. Mine (imported frames, insanely high prescription, progressive) were really expensive but they’re now on a third try for getting the lenses just right for me, at no extra charge. I ordered new prescription sunglasses today from someplace much cheaper. Of course, the saleswoman tried to tell me that the ones I liked best made me look old (thanks for that!) so I sent a picture of me in them to 3 friends who all overruled her. Of course, I left there feeling soooooo good that I bought 2 pairs of boots before I left the mall.
Good luck with your glasses!
Missy
If you are in SF, go to EyeGotcha in Noe Valley. They are the best at gettingit just right.
Coach Laura
Thanks everyone. I’m going to try lenscrafters first because I like their selection and I have 35% off via my insurance. Also found that my medical gives me $200 per year on hardwear which I’ve never used (doesn’t apply to contact lenses). So I can get one pair now and a second in January. My eye condition (Fuchs’) causes light sensitivity so I definitely need prescription sunglasses and I’m really coveting the sunglasses Kat posted so I think I’ll get those too.
Esquirette
I used to always do Lens Crafters but a few years ago I discovered Costco’s eye glass department. I got two pairs of frames that I love for what one pair used to cost me. They are also good about tweaking your frames and the lenses to make sure everything fits well. I was happy with the experience.
Coach Laura
My husband always does Costco but I checked and they just don’t have what I want for my work pair but I’ll probably get my backup/casual pair there. They also had no oversized sunglasses frames, which I need due to my light sensitivity.
NOLA
I found Lenscrafters to be fine (actually great) in a larger city. I got 2 pairs of my glasses at the King of Prussia (Pa.) Lenscrafters and they were both great. But where I live, the Lenscrafters selection is rather lame.
TheOtherStephanie
I work as an ADA coordinator – the iPad2 is very friendly for large text, and there are apps, such as Over40, that will help. Technology is your friend!
PKat
Check out zennioptical (dot) come for some extra pairs. I order about 5 at a time from them because the price is so good and when one gets broke (because I have a 4 year old and we rough house sometimes) it isn’t that big of a deal since I only spent $20-$30. The only downside is I usually have to wait about a month before I get them.
Anonymous Poser
Hey, this may border on asking for legal or other professional advice, but that isn’t my intent–I’m not paying anyone here, so no one here is my lawyer, accountant, etc.
I’m asking figuring that if you are not comfortable answering this, you won’t. TIA.
I’m an editor (dabbling in political advocacy as well) who is finally getting serious about my business. I’m trying to break into a…specialized area of editing, so at this point I’m still doing a lot of volunteering while I slowly build a base of clients. I’m leaning toward incorporating as an LLC.
At what point should I do this? Now, while I’m not bringing any money in? Wait until I have income to speak of? Do any of you have experience with starting your own business? I’m in the Atlanta, GA area, if that’s relevant.
Yusef Islam is the name of the former Cat Stevens, I believe…
Anonymous Poser
Dang, I knew I should have looked up his name before typing it. I had a feeling the first name was off…
Anon for this
I’d wait until you have some money coming in or know that you are about to have checks coming in. You can form a Georgia LLC cheaply and quickly, but there are costs involved with that and opening a bank account for the new LLC. Better to wait until you have some cash flow to do this. On the flip side, you may not want to wait if you have a good idea for a name that you don’t want someone else to steal.
AT
Depending on how much you will be “investing” into setting up this venture, you should probably look into tax implications, to see what you may or may not be able to write off. This is WAY out of my depth, but a friend and I looked into starting a business years ago, and I know that taxes and write-offs and business expenditures in the months/years before you turn a profit were hot topics.
Anonymous
Agree, you need to ask a tax lawyer (or CPA at a minimum). The tax concerns are probably the biggest, though depending on what you’re publishing, you may also want the liability protection sooner rather than later. The tax lawyer or CPA can advise you on the relevant questions. If you’re a small business, you might even be able to get this advice free or cheap through a local aid group (such as a business clinic at Emory, or a small business legal aid organization).
Anonymous
Argh, sorry. I meant “Because you’re a small business” not “If.” Your description made it clear that you are.
Anonymous Poser
Thanks all! You’ve given me more focus. I really appreciate that.
As to what I’ll be publishing? In a way, nothing — most anything I edit goes through the author (attorney, lawmaker, coach) before it goes public (to court, for sale, on the Internet, whatever). Liability is certainly a concern that has come up in conversations with my husband, though, so I appreciate the mention here. I’m sure there are angles that have not occurred to me, yet. :-/
I’ll start looking for free resources, and then go on from there.
Hel-lo
Talk to a CPA. The first consultation is often free. If you are going to have income coming in, you should figure out the tax implications as soon as you can. It can only help you.
NYC
These jeans are proof for why I hold on to jeans that still fit and look good but fall out of fashion. I have a pair from the Gap bought on the clearance rack that look exactly like this ($20). From 2003, I think. I consider getting rid of them once a year, but they are so flattering that I always decide to just wait for the high waisted flare style to come back. If only I weren’t preggo…
ks
Sadly, I think I owned these jeans in about 1976……
Lyssa
Question: the thread on my favorite pearl necklace (one of the ones with little curved tubes between the pearls) was starting to fray, so I asked my husband to drop it off somewhere to get it re-strung. He did, and paid them- I asked how much they charged, the answer: $100.
Is that a normal cost? It sounds insane to me. I restrung it once already myself, and I don’t think that it took more than 20-30 minutes, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I would have just gone out and found a kit or something (I borrowed some stuff from a friend who makes jewelry last time) if I’d realized it would cost anywhere near that much. (He took it to a Jareds, which I think might have been where it came from, though I don’t remember for sure. I’ve had it for about 8 years or so.)
another anon
Sounds pretty high to me. I got a pearl necklace restrung a few years back, and I think it was more in the range of $20-$30, and could have been even less than that. And that was for a necklace that had graduated pearls (so they had to be restrung in the same order), and individual knotting between each pearl.
Rose in Bloom
I paid $100 to have my necklace restrung. The price did include a new clasp, so it might have been more like $80-85 for the actual restringing. This was at a small store in Atlanta, FWIW.
Was your necklace restrung with knots between the pearls? I’m not familiar with the curved tubes that you are talking about.
Lyssa
I’m not sure how better to describe them, but the pearls are separated by very narrow tubes, sort of like tiny elbow noodles, but shaped more like a very shallow S and about 1 inch long. There aren’t any knots or anything like that, the only challenge (from when I did it myself) is trying to work the string through the tubes, since they’re not straight. But I managed, and I would assume that a jewelry shop, who does things like that a lot, would know how to do it pretty easily.
Oh, and BTW, I live in a really low cost of living state, so it was all the more shocking.
MeliaraofTlanth
I’ve found that sometimes the low cost of living states have way higher prices for sort of random repair things like that, I guess because they don’t have as many options. It cost me way more to get shoes repaired in my home state than in NYC, where I live now.
Rose in Bloom
The cost the store may also depend on whether it restrung the pearls in house or not. The store I went to shipped it out to be restrung. It was a very small jewelry store, but I was still surprised that they didn’t do it in house. And now I’m mad that I paid that much for a non-Neptune metal clasp and restringing.
Nancy P
I had a long fake pearl necklace re-strung and it cost at least $65. (I remember because the necklace itself only cost $65, but I really liked it and so thought it was worth it.) This was in my parents’ suburbs in the Midwest, so probably cheaper than a big city.
Lilly
I just paid $140 for restringing and replacement of broken clasp. It seemed like highway robbery to me, so, in a sense, it’s comforting to see that this is not completely out of line, at least in some locations.
Kanye East
Um, that’s *crazy* high, unless they also hand-knotted your pearls using organic, shade-grown, songbird-and-silkworm-friendly Superman hair *and* replaced the clasp with solid precious metals from Neptune.
Re-stringing materials shouldn’t cost more than $10, and for a single strand necklace, you’re looking at an hour of labor, tops.
MissJackson
Oh, Kanye East. This may be your best response yet. Thank you for making my Friday a little brighter!
Ru
So ditto. I want jewelry made from precious metals from Neptune. I wouldn’t even scoff if the metals were mined from Pluto.
Kanye East
alls I’m sayin’ is: (1) I charge $20 tops for restringing ($5 for returning customers), (2) there are incredible mining opportunities on Neptune right now, and (3) with Ru’s engineering skills and my astrophysics background (yeah, I went to Space Camp), I think it’s ours to be conquered.
Ru
Oh HOLLER!
Nonny
+ 385.7 LL points to each of Kanye and Ru. More if I get to invest.
Lyssa
I’m totally calling Kanye East next time. Of course, it might have been worth the price just to have inspired this K.E./Ru exchange. :)
MissJackson
Super high. I am admittidly in a lower cost of living city (Pittsburgh), but I just had my pearls restrung at what is generally considered the “best” local independent jeweler in the city (they cater to the Rolex crowd if you catch my drift) and it was less than $60.
So
Ooh. Mind mentioning the jeweler? I’m looking to have this done, and I’m in PGH too.
MissJackson
Henne on Walnut in Shadyside. They did a fantastic job.
NYC
I don’t think that is high, assuming he took it to a higher end jewelry store. I pay that much to have it done by a jewelry store at which I used to work (hand knotted).
another anon
I don’t know that I would consider Jared’s to be “high-end.”
Erin
If they gave you a new clasp, and that clasp is made of a precious metal, it sounds reasonable. Otherwise, that’s way overpriced.
I recently paid $50 to have the posts and backings replaced on a pair of earrings. They used sterling silver posts and backings. This was in Chicago. Restringing pearls is more labor intensive, but not that much more labor intensive, and without a new clasp there’s almost no materials cost.
Erin
This was at an independent store, btw. I think the lesson from this thread is to go to independent jewelers.
Mostly flats
Kate Spade Karolina pumps –
Comfortable?
Tigger
No idea – but I just bought a pair at NM for $134, so I’m hoping yes! http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/catalog/prod.jhtml?itemId=prod134080085&ecid=NMCIBizrateFeed&003=5839112&010=X0W5P&srccode=cii_10043468&cpncode=22-175600900-2
TXAttyJen
For me, yes. I have the Karolina pumps in 7 or 8 colors and textures from the past few years. They’re my go-to pumps and I actually wear them for trial and not having bleeding and blistered feet at the end of the day.
k
Yes! Caveat — mine are not patent leather, and I find comfort in the same “style” of shoe varies widely across suede, leather, patent leather, etc.
Not phenomenally so, mind you, but for heels as high as they are, pretty darn comfy. Not a bad idea to put in padding on the toe bed, though.
Selia
LOVE. My most comfortable shoe!
wny grad student
Can someone talk me out of a small but increasing crush on a co-worker (fellow researcher; I am a PhD student)? We are both single -me relatively newly so, he has been for a while- and have been working on a project together. We’ve spent several late nights working together over the past month and have gotten to know each other, and, well, now this. I am philosophically against inter-office relationships, but he is a postdoc and will be out of here in a year or so. I have several years left, depending how well my cells cooperate… and I have very little time outside of lab to meet people, much less the type of people who I can talk passionately about biochemistry with! Any thoughts from those of you who’ve had similar situations?
CL
Does he supervise you in any way? Is he in your lab? A year is a LONG time. I ended up marrying my workplace crush (he was my editor, but I didn’t report to him), but he asked me out an hour after he told me he was quitting. It took awhile for the department VP to announce he was leaving, and he didn’t think it was good for my career to go public, so we snuck around for six weeks until he left. I announced our “first date” the following Monday.
Jas
Two of my labmates started dating while I was working on my Master’s. It’s three years later and they’re still going strong, so it can work. However, I can see it being weird if you two dated and then broke up. If you want to be talked out if it, maybe this will help: at my school it was a thing to refer to your supervisor as your academic-parent, their other students your academic-siblings, lab-sharing professors as in an academic-marriage etc. If you and he share a supervisor, then that would be academic-incest and that’s just icky ;) (my labmates were only academic-stepsiblings which they claimed made it less icky)
EM
LOL. I love this description. I definitely thought of my mentor/major professor in undergrad and grad school as a surrogate father, and I was really close with one of his other students, who I loved like a brother. :) I’m glad to know this dynamic is common.
law school crush
I had a similar crush that turned into something that resembled a relationship with a classmate from law school. We had every class together, sat next to each other and studied together. For me, it fizzled out and when I explained that to him, it was awkward and embarrassing for about a year afterward and then 3L year was fine. Looking back, I am sort of glad I acted on my crush, because I might have wondered “what if” about him. But, on the other hand, I feel like we would be pretty good friends now if nothing had transpired. If you think you really like him and he’s given you an indication that he is interested, I say go for it. If he hasn’t given you any hints, I would tread lightly because of the amount of time you spend together.
C.
I think that so long as he isn’t your supervisor in any capacity, you need not shy away from this so carefully.
The key, of course, will be talking very explicitly about the fact that it might not work out and about how you’ll deal with that if you’re still colleagues. For what it’s worth, I’m in a relationship now with a pseudo-colleague: we two are half the leadership of a nonprofit arts organization and spend a lot of time working together. Although it’s going beautifully now (yay), I’m glad to know that before we really got together, we had a number of very respectful and rational conversations about the potential repercussions of a break-up and how we would handle them. That’s no guarantee, of course, but it’s better than setting off blindly.
If you do decide to pursue this, make sure that it DOES NOT affect your work. No nuzzling during lab time, no drama that trickles up to your advisor or down to your undergraduates, et cetera. But take it from one who knows: the sense of sneaking around–even just for the sake of discretion rather than total concealment–can be a pretty major aphrodisiac.
anon for this!
I developed what I think was a similar crush on a coworker a year or so ago, and as great of a guy as he is, I ruminated on it a bunch (in the process of trying to decide if I should start to “explore” and see if it was reciprocal), and what I realized is that what it really meant was that I was ready to be in a relationship. So I abandoned any idea of “acting” on the crush, and I reactivated one of my online accounts. After some fits and starts, I ended up in a really great relationship with a wonderful guy. So I would recommend you dig deep and consider whether it’s really THIS guy that you’re digging, or if it’s the novelty of having positive interactions with a person that you have stuff in common with and regular access to and the yearning for something more in your life… if it could be the latter, I would then consider amping up your activities to meet other people.
src
Don’t do it! I’m a science PhD and understand how closely you two probably work. Remember that you’re in a lab together for multiple hours a day, probably within a few feet of each other. It’s tough to start out dating slowly in that situation. Furthermore, if you break up, it will be a really, really bad year for you.
I suspect you’re only crushing on him because you’re around him, and other not other single people. I had a post-doc friend who had a mad crush on an undergrad in his lab. He fortunately didn’t act on it (imagine being 30 and dating a 19-year-old. I think he was interested mainly because she was one of two women he saw on a regular basis.
It’s Friday. Go out tonight. Flirt with someone cute who’s not in science.
wny grad student
So I think “Furthermore, if you break up, it will be a really, really bad year for you.” is going to be my mantra.
I totally understand what you and anon for this above are saying… it probably is the novelty of someone who is around me, smart, funny, and pretty attractive more than anything about this guy compared to other smart/funny/attractive men.
But on the other hand, I know there aren’t THAT many great guys out there… He has no supervisory authority over me, but he is a really helpful, knowledgeable resource for a component of my work that would be really difficult (in addition to the emotional aspect) if we had a falling out of sorts. Best case scenario would be for something to develop as he is leaving, but that can only lead me to lot of overthinking and attempting to plan spontaneous events and making everything awkward. (Do I sound like a scientist yet? :\)
Anyways, I really appreciate the comments!
LadyEnginerd
Ok, so I already wrote a novel below, but I want to point out something from this comment that, to me, is a red flag. “he is a really helpful, knowledgeable resource for a component of my work” implies that he is, in essence, training you. It’s likely that this teacher-student role will spill over into your relationship. Are you ok with that kind of power imbalance?
Science is a small world – trust me, you will keep running into him for the rest of your career. On the one hand if you don’t act on this crush now, you’ll surely have, uh, ‘opportunities’ later when you are no longer working on the same project. On the other hand, if it ends badly, you’ll have to keep seeing him around for decades.
Athena
I totally second the notion of caution. From personal experience I’d definitely say think about what you’re doing and what it means for your emotional wellbeing and your education/career. In law school I had a relationship with a guy who was also on the law review – he broke up with me after a couple months – the next year I was confronted with editing his article. Grr. I wasn’t mature enough to handle the repercussions of a breakup in a very insular situation. Of course, the fact that he was an emotionally constipated neurotic didn’t help :p … Good luck and remember: “at night, all cats are gray” and go find a boy elsewhere or, better still, prioritise your grades …. oh, I’m turning into my mom. But really, the one thing I wish I’d done differently at law school was to realise that my longterm priority was learning as much as possible, not flattering my ego by attracting male attention.
another anon
IN addition to what others have said, I wouldn’t count on him being gone in a year. I’m sure you know very well that experiments often take WAY longer than anticipated (if you don’t know that, you’ve been very lucky).
Personally, I would tread very carefully here…you both have to spend a TON of time in the same place, and if things go sour, there’s not going to be an easy way to avoid him. I’m assuming that as a grad student you likely don’t even have an office where you could hide in. Furthermore, if things got nasty between the two of you, you would likely bear the brunt of the consequences on your career, since you are more junior and female. Sexist, yes, but it’s something to consider.
LadyEnginerd
No No NO!!!!! Do NOT go there. I will give you as many ELLEN-LIKE CAPS as are needed to fully express how terrible of an idea it is. I dated someone in my PhD program, and it ended badly. Remember that in academia, there is no one to help you with people issues. Your advisor is in a managerial position due to his/her ability to manage experiments, not people. There is no HR for you since you are a student, not an employee. Your colleagues (including your crush) are likely not the best at people skills and will gossip like they’re in junior high. If this goes really badly and your professional reputation takes a hit thanks to the gossiping colleagues, you will not be able to escape, because you can’t just quit your job when you’re grad school without abandoning your dreams of a PhD.
So say you do date him and it doesn’t end terribly (as your hormones are probably telling you). If you date a male in science, you will be defined by *him* in the eyes of your colleagues, particularly if he’s senior and has had a few more years to build his network. People will always assume you’re the girlfriend, not a fully-fledged researcher too. If you date a postdoc in your own group, he’ll always be a little bit ahead of you in your exact sub sub specialty. Are you ok with that power imbalance from day 1? It will be tough for the two of you to find a job in the same city, since it’s hard enough to find one PhD research job in a particular research area, let alone two. Heck, you’re working on a project together, thus the two of you work in the same sub sub subfield: do you feel comfortable competing against someone you’re dating for funding? There might be issues with authorship – are you comfortable asserting yourself professionally with someone you’re seeing? If the experiments go poorly, will you be ok with not being able to escape work when you’re home?
You have several years left; this guy will move away after one year. If you date, you’ll either break up, which will make working long hours in the lab together awkward or stay together, and usually that means you’ll have to do long distance until you can follow him, since he’ll have found a permanent position in that time. Go find a nice guy with a career orthogonal to yours, preferably someone who could work in wide variety of geographic areas. You’re relatively newly single: get on internet dating, exercise to control your hormones (so you don’t do anything too stupid), and make the time to get out of the lab and nurture this essential part of your life. You aren’t a bad scientist if you make your personal life an important priority too. Multicellular organisms are more important than the single-cellular ones you grow in lab!
FedUpResearcher
Wow.. this: “Remember that in academia, there is no one to help you with people issues. Your advisor is in a managerial position due to his/her ability to manage experiments, not people.”
I need to say that as a daily morning mantra…. and sometimes the experiment part doesn’t even hold true! =/
Erin
This is aaaaallllmost a classmate crush. I say go for it. Philosophical opposition be damned.
Just E
I won’t talk you out of it – I married my labmate over 10 years ago. :-)
Anonymous
Darling, I’m going to speak from the heart and share the wisdom my dearest friends and I have accumulated: friends don’t let friends date academics. Life as an academic scientist is miserable — speaking as a former benchrat and spouse of a P.I. If either of you are academic track, particularly him but moreso if both of you are (see LadyEnginerd’s comment), think more than twice. A scientific academic career–especially if a tier 1 high level one is the goal–sucks in many, many ways. I’m not saying that there aren’t positives but the life is also very trying (few job opportunities, the crappiest funding environment in a generation or two, and thus constant rejection for your many, many grant applications, poor pay for workload, stuck with an inordinately high # of egocentric colleagues you cannot get away from, etc–the list goes on). Bad enough for the person choosing the career (who thinks it is worth it) but also surprisingly difficult on the SO who has their own career and ambitions. So if an academic career is in the future, consider looking elsewhere. Others have given you good advice on the idea as a whole. I’ve seen situations like yours work out well and poorly. The poor outcomes I am thinking of were hard enough and they didn’t involve the same labs. In each of the happy outcomes, one or both of the partners got out of science eventually (b/c it is tough life). Good luck! Grad school friends had some luck meeting non-scientists by joking co-ed rec teams in the community or on campus. As intense as labwork can be, believe, you have time to do this kind of thing a couple times a week. Good luck!!!
TK1
I just celebrated my 9th wedding anniversary with a former co-worker. It doesn’t always end badly.
Researcher married to a researcher
I say go for it! Yes, it is an incredibly demanding career, yes, the two-body problem is hard, but what you get in return is somebody who understands exactly what you are going through. Him being in the exact same field is only a plus, IMHO. Yes, the stigma is that only nerds talk about work during family dinners. To hell with that stigma – sometimes you are so engrossed in your work that this is the only thing you want to talk about. So isn’t it great to have a supportive partner who can actually understand your explanations? I am a researcher in science married to another researcher in science, very close areas. We are married for 15 years and have three kids. I cannot imagine being with someone who is not in academia.
So embarrassed!
Well, I almost made it through the week. And then I broke down in tears in my office apparently loud enough for one of the partners to come check on me. All because my boss has no texting etiquette. ARG! I need a bottle of wine.
Anon
I’m so sorry! I’m having one of those weeks too. I’m contemplating hiding under my desk until I can leave.
OP
Glad I’m not the only one! I went from being upset by my boss to being mortified that I was caught bawling in my office! And then when the partner came in to check on me I started half laughing half crying because I recognized the absurdity in crying because my boss hurt my feelings! It was so awkward. I’m taking this as a sign I need a *real* weekend.
On the bright side, the partner did acknowledge that others have noticed the boss man being overly critical and inappropriately harsh with me. So maybe something will come out of this.
HidingUnderTheDesk
At least someone else is aware your big boss is overly critical. I always feel that helps take some of sting out of it. I almost wish I had something to point to that’s making me so miserable, but its just one of those weeks. Luckily, I’m not a crier or I would be a mess, literally. I am *not* one of those women who can cry gracefully.
Anon for this one
I worked at a big firm with a big scary senior partner. When another senior partner left the firm, he cried while addressing the firm at the announcement meeting. He cried again at the meeting where the next partner was named to replace the first. It is not just women that have moments of tears. At least it wasn’t while addressing your entire firm!
Anon for this one
I should also add, it didn’t blow his tough guy image. Everyone was still afraid of him, I think even more so because this made him unpredictable.
Anonymous
At the risk of outing myself with too much identifying info, I could really use Corporettes’ advice. Last week I lost a parent after a protracted period of uncertainty about the prognosis, including multiple incidents where I went running home (out of state) because we were pretty sure it was the end. It was months on an emotional roller coaster following an already stressful Spring at work. I came back to the office this week, which was probably too soon, because I didn’t feel like I could miss more work after all I missed over the past few months and I have a number of major litigation deadlines looming. I’ve just been going through the motions, however, and not being all that productive. I’m not sleeping very well, and I’m having trouble concentrating. To top it all off, someone broke into my car yesterday, and last night my grandfather took a really bad fall and is in the hospital.
I’m at the point where I feel I can’t take one more thing happening, and I don’t have anything left in reserve to deal with what I already have on my plate. I just had to dash out of the office because I was about to burst into tears for no reason. What do you do when you feel depressed and burnt out, but still need to come in to work and get the work done?
JuliaBee
Wow. This is a lot for anyone to handle. I’m sorry you are going through this.
What helps me is sort of a two-step process. One: stop. Breathe. Go somewhere quiet. Have a really sugary coffee drink or a bowl of ice cream or mashed potatoes or whatever feels decadent and indulgent. Two: make a really detailed list of what I have to get done, broken down into itty bitty parts. So not “draft opposition to class cert” but rather all the smaller tasks that I have to do in the next few weeks to get that done. Then start with something really small. Read three cases. Cross it off list. Do the little things and then big things will follow. As a last note, give yourself a break if you miss a workout or cant muster the energy to make a friend’s birthday party.
Good luck.
HidingUnderTheDesk
I am so sorry for your loss.
Seattleite
I’m sorry for your loss.
First: see your doc, pronto, and get something to help you sleep. It’s not for forever, it’s just for right now, and lack of sleep will make everything else worse.
Second: clear everything that’s not a Must Do. If you’re generally an overachiever, it will be difficult to believe that you don’t have to keep Every Plate In The Air. Slash your to-do list ruthlessly.
Third: if you have the money, spend it to make your life easier. Extra money toward loans etc can wait a month or two – hire a cleaning service, dog walker, whatever you can to eliminate the smaller sources of stress.
Fourth: Ask your most compassionate friend to meet you once a week for a walk. You’ll get a little exercise and a listening ear, which will help immensely.
I’m sorry.
SeaElle
I’m so sorry for your loss. I recently went through a period where I lost my brother unexpectedly and was in the middle of an extremely stressful and busy period during my 3L year. I had a million things on my plate and was struggling not to cry in the middle of classes (which I actually did at a few points, once embarrassingly publicly). Not saying it is the same by any measure but I sympathize completely with feeling overwhelmed with life and grief.
What I found most helpful is knowing that everyone deals with things differently. People are going to tell you what worked for them and it MIGHT work for you, but it might not. You will have a voice in your head that tells you what you need to do. However weak that voice feels right now, follow it. You know what you can handle when, and it is usually a lot more than you think.
For me, that consisted of turning everything off in my life, allowing my friends to be there for me (including providing meals when they offered), tackling tasks in small pieces that felt manageable (for me that meant reading 2 cases for my moot court brief followed by a half hour of crying, then maybe one case for class, then a cry, whatever felt right at the time), and I know it feels like you don’t have time (and maybe you don’t) but I ran a lot. I literally just ran. Sometimes I cried while running (which is slightly embarrassing) but it helped to exhaust me so I slept. I’m not a drugs for sleeping person so I needed physical activity to literally exhaust me into sleeping.
Do what you can to listen to your inside voice. Most importantly take care of yourself and don’t let anyone tell you that you “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing something. This is a time where you need to do what you need to do to deal. How you grieve is personal and unique and don’t let anyone try to change that or make you feel that you should.
a lawyer
I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve had similar hard times, where I felt like I mentally and physically could not take.one.more.thing but also being totally overwhelmed by the volume of work. What I found most helpful in dealing with the work was making a list of what I absolutely HAD to do, a plan of when I could get it done, and putting off the rest. Get some help from others in your office if you can.
I’ve found that even with major litigation, serious deadlines, there are few things that cannot be put off with a bit of understanding from the judge and opposing counsel. Your personal circumstances are such as to justify empathy and to get you some slack cut by the court. Don’t be afraid to state the truth: you’ve been out for months with a sick parent who just died and you just cannot meet x deadline. In the overall scheme of things, whether that super important case gets tried in December or next July or even NEXT December is NOT that important.
Most judges understand this.
blank
I really, really recommend getting in touch with your bar association lawyer assistance program. (Or your workplace one, if you are lucky enough to have one.) Because they deal only with attorneys, they are very understanding of the “but I need to keep going” mentality and are able to provide practical and effective suggestions and coping mechanisms that will allow you to get through the short term and set yourself up for success in the long term.
anon
I lost my first child to cancer and came back to work very soon after she died, mainly to pay the bills. My heart wasn’t in it for a year or so, but I did enough to stay employed and now I love my job again.
What helped me get through the days at work was having a grief counselor. I met with her I think three times a week, tapered down to two and then once per week, and continued for over a year. I found that my grief counseling sessions helped me compartmentalize my weepiest moments to our sessions, and keep my less emotional side for work. I hope that makes sense. If I was feeling something particularly strong, I would excuse myself from work without guilt, but I felt I didn’t need to do it all that often.
You probably have a little PTSD in addition to grief that is causing you to feel like you “can’t take one more thing happening,” and a counselor would also help you recognize and deal with that.
Best of luck to you.
Original Anon
Sorry for the late response but I had to check out for the weekend. Thank you all for your thoughtful suggestions, and my sympathies to SeaElle and Anon for your losses as well. I’m going to try to break down my tasks so they don’t seem so overwhelming. I have two meetings today that are going to take up most of my energy, but I’m going to try to get through those on caffeine and sugar. I’ve been seeing a therapist, but I’m not sure how good she is so I’m skeptical about everything she tells me (she mostly just listens anyway and hasn’t done much to help me cope with this). It might be time to find a new person, and calling the bar association’s lawyer assistance program might be a good place to start. I thought it was only for addiction help, but they might have good recommendations.
Equity's Darling
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/13/fashion/makeup-makes-women-appear-more-competent-study.html?_r=1&src=ISMR_HP_LO_MST_FB
I posted this late on Thursday- what does everyone think? Does makeup = looking competent? If so, I may be ruined.
I know, P & G paid for it, so I take it with a large grain of salt, but still.
Thoughts? Comments?
Blonde Lawyer
I thought the pictures were very telling. I would like to say make up doesn’t matter but I know I look more professional and with it with make up on. I’m guessing that is true for others too.
Here is my philosphy – I can let one or two things go a day but not all at the same time. If I skip my shower then I’m wearing my nicest suit with my contacts in and make up on. If I decide to not straighten my hair then I’m wearing good clothes and make up at least. If I wear an older worn out suit, I make sure my hair is straightened and make up is on. If I have glasses on I’ve got the nice clothes on with the heels. If I have flats on, I spice up my other accessories. If I don’t shower, didn’t straighten my hair last time I showered, don’t wear make up, wear glasses instead of contacts, wear flats, wear old clothes and no accessories I look a mess. If I skimp on only one or two of those things per day I look fine.
Ru
This is absolutely me, except I’m not blonde, or a lawyer. Well, I have highlights. And I have the distinct pleasure of bad hair and/or scarf days.
Nonny
Yes, but on bad hair days you get to cover up the bad hair, lucky you. And even if you have a bad scarf day, the scarf is probably still aubergine and gloriously co-ordinated with the rest of your outfit.
Sigh, I need to get more hats.
Ru
The color aubergine has strange powers :)
Houda
I do the same.
I let go of one thing but the rest needs to be pristine.
When my hair was transitioning (hot mess to the least), I made sure to wear makeup, contact lenses and overdress a notch.
Now, my hair is looking neat but I have started a medication where I’d have to stop wearing contacts for months. I will need to find stylish glasses but the make up definitely stays on, otherwise I look more like a teenager (with acne scars and all).
As much as I hate to say it, make up gives me the boost to fake it till I make it.
NavyHawk
I’d take the research with a grain of salt but for me personally, I feel more professional with make-up on which I guess in turn helps with my productivity maybe?
However, my husband says he hates it when I have make-up on but when when I go natural he says I look pale (which yes, I look like Casper when I don’t wear make-up).
I think that if you wear make-up it makes you look like you take pride in yourself and in turn, take pride in your work which clients like to see.
Not sure if this is making any sense. It’s been a long week.
anon
20 years ago, at my first job out of law school, there was an associate who never wore makeup. She got a lot of criticism for not looking “professional,” I would say it had a negative effect on her career. Of course, that was a long time ago, but I do think it makes a difference.
Amelia
Gosh, I do think make-up makes me look more put together, but I just can’t bring myself to wear it everyday. I don’t know what it is, but it feels so…unnatural.
anonette
For me, if I don’t put on powder to cover my red, shiny nose (think Rudolph) I look like I’ve been sweating excessively. Likewise, if I don’t curl my eyelashes and apply mascara, I look sad and tired (I was genetically blessed with blonde eyelashes that slope downward towards my face…).
For me, I consider those two steps part of my work “uniform” — I would never skip applying powder just like I would never show up to work in a sweat shirt. It doesn’t send the right message (for me).
Herbie
If I ran out of my foundation powder unexpectedly, I’d be late to work so I could run out to get & then apply more. If my flat iron died on me, well, staycation day!
Equity's Darling
I don’t know, I just feel like I’m in my early 20’s, have pretty great skin, and I’m mixed race, so my skin is tan, and my lashes are dark and curly already.
I don’t feel like I *need* makeup to look put together or awake, or to avoid looking like a ghost- that may change, but as of right now….I’d rather the extra 5m of sleep.
And I do take pride in myself and how I present myself, I just find the makeup to be…pointless for me.
anon
I really think it just comes down to whether you need it. If I had perfect skin and long dark eyelashes, I wouldn’t wear makeup. But I don’t, so I do. I certainly object to the idea that women NEED makeup to “look professional.”
A Regular Lurker
I think my regular makeup look is close to the look they identified as “professional” in the article (the third photo from the left). When I’ve attempted to skip a little, in an effort to go more natural, I’ve been told I looked tired. I’m not sure if that means that one needs to wear enough makeup that one appears to be wearing makeup, that one needs to wear approximately the same amount of makeup on a near-daily basis (at least to work), or if I’d just really needed to get more sleep the night before.
Caroline
I have a friend that tells me I look “tired” every. single. time. i see her but haven’t yet put on my powder. On the one hand: just put on your powder, Caroline! But on the other hand: stop calling me out, friend! Maybe this is just my face!
TheOtherStephanie
My mom used to do this – I talked to her, and it stopped. I have “bedroom eyes” – like they are there in my kindergarten picture! I relaxed once I had a new look in that photo.
karenpadi
Of the 5 female attorneys at my office, none of us wear make-up on a daily basis. Sometimes I’ll wear make-up for an important meeting but then I feel “overdressed”.
Maybe it’s an “your office may vary” kind of thing?
Jas
It’s disappointing to have another reminder of how women’s entire worth is based on their looks, but I can’t say I’m really surprised. I do wonder how much of it is that the makeup itself is correlated with people’s views and how much of it is that makeup makes women more conventionally attractive and conventionally attractive people are considered more honest, competant etc.
CFM
I don’t think its necessary a women thing (well make up part is) but if you did a study about men’s haircuts for example, or even men with good skin youd get similar results
Jas
Maybe, in which case it’s just attractive people being seen as better people. However, then wouldn’t the “natural” look, or perhaps the “professional” look be the top? The over the top, slightly clownish, “glamorous” makeup performed well which makes me think the makeup in itself might be valued. You’d have to have some way of controlling for attractiveness level, though (matching less attractive women with makeup with more attractive women without makeup) and that would be tough.
Esquirette
I think that there is different ways of wearing makeup. You can wear it to overcome specific things that make you feel less professional — e.g., undereye circles, acne, general tired appearance, shininess, blotchiness — things you think might be taken note of. Makeup can be used to address these issues (concealer, foundation, eyeliner, mascara). You can also wear makeup decoratively (for lack of better word at the moment) — e.g., to add color, change up your look. If you don’t think that there are specific aspects of your appearance that would make you look less professional, then, unless you want to do different looks, makeup doesn’t bring much to the table for you. Your young — you have great skin and feel confident — go with it! Your second comment made me think of a good friend who is Middle Eastern. Her coloring is beautiful, she has bright eyes with long dark lashes, and a lovely smile. She rarely looks tired. When she wears makeup, I don’t think she looks more professional, I think she adding some interest to her appearance by playing with color. I personally would not be seen professionally without powder to tamp down on my natural glow (shininess – which always comes back) or concealer to help with my undereye circles that never go away and to cover the occassional zit. Generally, I prefer to also add at least eyeliner and mascara to help look less tired as well.
[Side note: Other than professional clothing, the single thing I I think I do to look more professional is wear my glasses, which have dark, simple but not boring frames. Without them, I think people focus too much on my face/attractiveness. I in now way think glasses are “uglifying” but I think that people perceive me differentaly +/- glasses, and I prefer the former (more seriously). Plus, they make me look less tired because they frame my eyes.]
Esquirette
*are different ways
Esquirette
Oh geez. AND “you’re young” AND “she is adding some interest” AND “I think I do” AND “I in no way” AND “differently”
if there are more typos, screw it. time to go home :(
Kady
I totally agree. I never wear makeup and have never gotten the “you look tired/sick/etc…” from anyone and I totally think that it’s because my glasses generally distract from the other minutiae of my face. I also go from discreet but colorful glasses – I’ve had blue, red and currently, purple.
Monday
This is exactly my (reluctant) assessment of how it is perceived: http://alexandradal.deviantart.com/#/d4cn2ro
Frump
I don’t think I’ve left the house without a full face of makeup on since I was about 16. The joys of having terrible skin, let me tell you.
Shazam
No doubt. I would never show up to work without an armor of concealer, foundation and setting powder – because as soon as I hit about 24, I started breaking out horrifically and it never went away. Without makeup, not only do I look unprofessional, I look a little bit like a crackhead who can’t stop picking at her sores. But I can’t help wonder – what do men do when they have terrible postadolescent acne? I can’t imagine they wear makeup? Maybe they just grow beards?
SeaElle
Has anyone ever ordered from Madewell? I always browse their clothes, and they look really nice, but I’ve never ordered anything or seen it in person. It seems like for the price of some things you should expect at least decent quality?
another anon
Yes, decent quality. I’ve been fed up lately with BR & Jcrew sweaters pilling after a few wears and Tshirts getting holes or falling apart at the seams, and my last winter’s Madewell items (that I wore a LOT) don’t have these problems yet. Much better sale deals in-store if you have one, IMO.
roses
Side note: For any Chicago area corporettes, a Madewell brick and mortar store just opened at Old Orchard Mall out in the burbs. I haven’t made the trek out there yet, but am excited to see all these pretty things in person!
Erin
Skokie is “out in the burbs”? Wow, times have changed.
anon
i looove madewell! i have a couple pieces from there and their quality is decent. my favorite thing about them is that you can buy 100% silk blouses and dresses for about half as much as they cost at nordstrom, and i can’t tell a difference in quality.
Tired Squared
I unfortunately found out that I failed the bar exam today, and was wondering if anyone has any advice on what to do. Obviously I’ll be taking it again in a few months, but have any of you been here? As patently untrue as it is, right now I feel like I’m the only one.
just Karen
You are not the only one! What you do next depends on a lot of factors (if you are currently employed for one), but for the weekend, treat yourself well, know that it is okay to call your best friend and say “tell me why I am wonderful”, and do your best not to beat yourself up. To know that you are not the only one, just look at the pass rate and the number of people taking the test! As for what to do in a longer timeline, my jurisdiction gives you your score on the essay section if and only if you don’t pass (so that you know how far you have to go), and everyone gets their score for the multi-state part. Look at how you did in each section, figure out a new action plan for studying (if you didn’t do a bar review course, do one – if you studied alone, try studying in groups or with a partner), and try your best to maintain some life balance in the meantime. The best thing I did for myself was go do demo on my sister’s house in another state the week before the bar exam – I had no friends there, so no distractions/temptations to go out, I got enough physical exertion to be genuinely tired each night, and I got a full day of studying in as well. Know that you are smart enough to get this far, you WILL pass in the future, and your worth is not determined by a test. *hug*
AnonAgain
I was there 10+years ago. I took it really hard. And, even though I passed it the second time, I punished myself for years after that for failing it the first time. I didn’t apply for certain jobs because I didn’t feel deserving; I isolated myself; gained weight; etc. I don’t know how I snapped out of my depression, but eventually I did. I only wish I had had the long term vision back then to realize that failing the bar the first time was a tiny hiccup in my life. I can’t emphasize enough how much I regret wasting excessive amounts of time looking back and wallowing over the fact I failed instead of looking forward and planning for what’s next. Onward and upward! Best of luck to you!
CC
Check the other thread today, you are not the only one on corporette who failed (and not the only one!) Your failures truly make you stronger. The bad first: you’ll feel embarrassed, you’ll feel like the only one, you’ll hate when well meaning people ask or try to cheer you up. Good news: you will pass! soon it will be a blip. The bar exam is just one brick in the wall that will be your law career.
Another Sarah
I just found out I passed today after failing twice before (I also broke Corporette Rule # 4 and cried at work – oops). You are not the only one. Take the next few days off. If your state is one where you get the score if you fail, don’t do anything until you get that score. It’s not worth it to obssess over it for the next few days. Spend time with people you love and who love you.
Remember: the barzam is not an intelligence test, nor is it a test of one’s ability to succeed in life. Just because you didn’t pass it this time doesn’t mean you won’t be successful. Your parents still loves you, you still have friends, you still have your intelligence and your law degree. For me, it helped to think that these things make me pretty lucky regardless if I had passed or not. So in the grand scheme of things, the barzam isn’t such a big deal. :-)
Tired Squared
Thanks for all of these comments–having all of your stories plus some great friends make yesterday end a LOT better than it started.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m sorry. That really sucks. I’d recommend staying off Above the Law. I remember back when I took the bar there were a lot of pretty ruthless comments on there and I disagreed with all of them. Don’t let anyone tell you that it is a test of “minimum competency” or that “only idiot’s fail the bar” or any of that bull crap. If you look at the statistics, practicing lawyers are the ones who most often fail the bar when they shoot for an extra state years out of law school. It is mostly students who have been taught “to the test” and spent a summer studying from an extortionist who pass the bar.
The bar is ridiculous. It would be malpractice to practice law outside of ones practice area without adequate training/supervision. Yet the bar tests you on ALL areas of law. Try to find one lawyer out there that practices property law, corporate law, criminal law and civil law, oh and trust and estates too and family law. Probably none except lawyers that do legal malpractice defense and thus familiarize themselves with all areas of the law. The test is antiquated and should be redesigned. In the meantime, you just have to play the game and do what you can to pass and get practicing. In reality, failing the bar has nothing to do with your ability to be a lawyer. No judge is going to ask you to take a multiple choice test. It is your ability to pursuade and counsel that will matter in the real world.
Tired Squared
I appreciate that =)
The scores just came in and I missed by 2 points. So I know I need to study again, but I feel better since I didn’t get a 10% or something.
anon for tests
This. Same in psychology – comprehensive exam. Then, there’s the state law exams. Now (since about early 1980s), followed up by an Oral exam for state license.
Does law have the same tiered effect?
Tired Squared
Thankfully no–just the one exam (unless you switch states)
yeshy
Can anyone recommend no-VPL underwear that’s not a thong, to wear under a somewhat revealing pencil skirt? The fabric is stretch cotton so it kind of shows a lot. I haven’t had much luck finding any thus far.
anon
There was a discussion on this at the end of last weekend’s open thread. Maidenform one fab fit were recommended, among others.
M in CA
Can you wear a slip under the skirt?
yeshy
Unfortunately, no… don’t think that would work. Too much bunching probably.
Anonymous
I’ve had good luck with the Shimera boyshorts from Nordstrom (online only). I also ordered the Commando girlshort brief, but their size chart was not accurate for me (I typically wear a 2-4, so I went with the S/M and it was too small for my generous rear end, so there was a noticeable line where the smooth fabric stopped and my natural unsmooth behind started).
Darlene
I LOVE the Naomi & Nicole line at Macy’s (by Cupid Intimates, the same company that makes MiracleSuit shapewear). There are no seams at the edges, and they have a silicone finish (at the edges) that keeps everything in place. They come in hipsters, hi-cuts and boy shorts.
Erin
Fruit of the Loom Cotton Stretch, available at Target or Walmart.
yeshy
Thanks so much for the suggestions! Will check them all out.
Krista M.
I’ve had good luck with Natori boy shorts–available at Nordstrom or on their website.
Tired Squared
Hanky Panky makes a good boyshort!
Kanye East
*deep breath*
This is about to as personal as I’ve ever gotten here, but Ru called me out so I have to tell you my fake Chinese name story.
(Thing is, it’s not even a very good story. I’m sorry, and I’m telling you all in advance there’s not going to be much in the way of payoff.)
Back in 1999-2000, I was going to China rather a lot. (I can’t tell you why. It’s classified military stuff. Not me so much as the Lieutenant Colonel formerly known as Mister East. (Think Rory Pond, as opposed to Amy Williams. I think you know who wears the pants. Er, wore.))
It made things easier (and by “things,” I mean the household staff’s (think Downton Abbey) ability to talk about me, which they could do with relative impunity anyway because I understand very little Mandarin) for me to have a Chinese name. So I have one, courtesy of Ex-Mister East, who picked out a nice one for me. It’s Mei Hua, in case you were wondering, which makes me sound like a pretty little flower of a girl. Tee hee.
But before that, one evening over jiaozi and Great Wall beer in the hutong, Ex-Mister East and a friend of ours had a lively conversation about Chinese names. And the 1999 version of me thought it would be immensely funny to have a Chinese name that sounded like “mofo,” which would be spelled Mou Fou, but which would be a nonsense name. We discussed the relative merits of “Wou Fou,” which roughly translates to “Reclining Buddha,” but which I considered to be vaguely disrespectful and/or profane. I then moved on to something that’s nonsense in Chinese but a funny Pinyin bastardization of my first two initials, but I can’t tell you what it is, because it would reveal more of my identity than I’m comfortable with.
It became my fake Chinese name.
MissJackson
Actually, I found that pretty entertaining. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been reading depo transcripts all day with no end in sight, but I doubt it. I’m glad Ru called you out!
MeliaraofTlanth
+10 for the Doctor Who reference.
Kanye East
Let’s go out for scones and texting.
MyHeartIsBreaking
Kanye East, you were my hero, I was ready to give you cold hard cash to get in the ground floor of your Neptune mining operation and then you mixed up Rory and Amy’s last names. Its Rory Williams and Amy Pond, though The Doctor did refere to Rory as “Mr. Pond” following their wedding. Now how am I suppose to get precious metals from outer space?!
MyHeartIsBreaking
I just re-read your post and now I get it. I an idiot!! Where do I send the check?
kz
I think that episode kind of disappointed me. I haven’t decided yet.
cbackson
Haha, I was commenting to say this.
Ru
I HEART this story. So much. Can I copycat you and pick a name, too? We could be fake name friends!
Seriously tho, thanks for sharing :)
CB
I want a Chinese fake name! 80% of my residents are Chinese and they all have their Chinese names + English names. They struggle with my American name so I’m pretty sure they call me the American girl who doesn’t know how to cook….
Seriously, I get so much flack for my poached eggs + toast lunches and apple + peanut butter dinners. I wait until people have left the kitchen to go prepare things because they make fun of me!
Accountress
Poached eggs are hard to get the hang of marking- you run a big risk of over- or under-cooking. You remind them how long it took Julie to get it right in “Julie & Julia”!
JuliaBee
Need some advice from the hive:
A very, very very close friend of mine is in a bad way. She has been through 4 IVF cycles and has pretty much come to terms with the fact thatshe is unlikely to have a baby with her eggs. She is considering donor eggs or a surrogate, as well as adoption. On top of this, the cost of doing all of the above has left her feeling broke, despite the fact that she is very financially responsible. She is in a career she likes but will probably never make more than 60k. Cherry on the cake – her husband (who she loves, and he adores her, great relationship) has been laid off for the second time in 3 months and his prospects are, well, slim. She feels that she cannot move forward with any fertility treatments or adoption until he gets a job and has a steady income. So my wonderfully bright, sunny, positive, charismatic friend is as down in the dumps as she has ever been. She puts on a brave face but recently confessed just how depressed she is. She feels like she has nothing to look forward to. No money to do anything fun as a distraction, no kid to plan for, no job prospects for the hubby.
So the question is: other than being there for her to talk to, what should I do for her? I have already sent gift certificates for massages, flowers, etc. Slight wrinkle is that she is a teeny bit defensive about having no $$ so I dont want to send some lavish gift because it would make her feel uncomfortable. I want to do something to cheer her up, give some perspective, etc.
Welcome any thoughts.
TIA.
Jas
If she has no money to do things to distract herself, maybe you could try and get her to take up a hobby with you? You could do take art classes at a local rec store, teach yourselves a hobby (like knitting! Or magic tricks!) or schedule a regular activity that you think she’d enjoy (a friend of mine loves winter picnics where you take a thermos of soup and another of hot chocolate and have a picnic in a park). It seems like right now she might be living in her head a lot and it might be helpful to give her something else to focus on.
JuliaBee
Good ideas – thanks.
conbrio
The shared activity thing (e.g., taking an art class together) sounds like a great idea. Tell her you used Groupon to get it, and that it’s a 2-for-1 deal so it was super cheap but only works if you have a person to share it with. That sort of thing has gone over well in my circle of friends as we’ve all taken turns supporting whichever one of us has been unemployed and broke over the last couple of years.
Also, the winter picnic mentioned by Jas is a really nice idea – I might have to try that!
EC
Totally agree with Jas’s suggestions. I think one of the best things you could do for her right now is to find ways to spend time with her that are new and special, but not necessarily expensive. Breakfast at a new coffee shop, a walk outside on a nice day in a park you haven’t been to before, even simple yard work together.
Anon4this
Umm, skip trying to “give some perspective” but do try to cheer her up. I’m guessing like Jas that she’s living in her head right now. Activities to distract or spending time with her would be good.
Minus the out of work DH, I understand where she is. I’m trying to keep busy so that I don’t think so much.
Bunkster
One last plug for the Boston Corporette Meet-up. It’s next Thursday, the 20th at 7pm. Email me at bostoncorporette@gmail.com and all included you in the doodle event invite.
Graduette
Renovation Help Please :)
The DH and I recently purchased a home in the DC suburbs (Falls Church). It’s a tiny, 50+ year old home that we plan on completely gutting and renovating. We’re in the process of buying materials that the contractors will be installing. We’ve already checked out Home Depot and Loews, and had some success but would like to check out a few more places.
Any recommendations for where else to check? If it helps, we’re looking for flooring, bathroom fixtures, cabinets, granite, and just about everything else that goes in a home!
Thank you ladies in advance!
SeaElle
Habitat for Humanity Restore. I think there is one in Alexandria. I’ve never been but I stalk HGTV and websites that discuss renovations despite not having a home of my own to fix up. One of the good ones is Young House Love (just google it). They’re in Richmond and they have talked about the Restore quite a few times. Worth checking out and it goes to a good cause!
anon
rejuvenation is a cool line of home hardware – i think a lot of it is in 1920s style, so if you’re renovating something older, it’s in keeping with the era. i used them for my renovation of a 1920s era flat & the quality is great
Cat
Unfortunately no local advice here, but just a plea to avoid Home Depot where you can for things that might break. Even when they carry the same brands as Lowe’s does, I believe the manufactures make a special “Home Depot” version that is not the same in quality (not exactly advertised on the packaging). Our personal experience from fixtures from the two stores is consistent with that.
Bee
I’ve changed some lighting in my home, and found the local independently owned lighting store has a MUCH better selection than Home Depot or Lowe’s. I bought fixtures on sale at great prices; the big box stores are not always the best buy. And do talk to your contractor about sources and materials. I just had some new wood flooring installed, and the contracter was able to match my 50 yr old floor in the adjacent room. I could never have found that product myself.
TK1
I’ve actually had the opposite problem from Cat. Everything I buy from Lowes breaks and everything from Home Depot holds up.
For flooring depending on where you are you might want to try Lumber Liquidators. They have better quality flooring than HD/Lowes, but it is more expensive than the cheap HD/Lowes flooring would be. Ikea sometimes has some good finds, but I wouldn’t recommend redoing your whole house w/ Ikea.
BigHTown
Done tons of remodeling and took 6 years to redo our 50+ year old MCM house while living in it and working our careers.
buy tile dot com has great tile and ships well out of Brooklyn
use a local, indie lighting store so you can see, touch, lift, and watch the spread of lighting – you won’t regret the slightly higher prices
online shopping for bath fixtures is great, including sinks and faucets for the kitchen – shop local to find your favorite and then purchase on line …
cabinent inside fitting thing (love the sliding susans), full extension drawer slides, custom sized birch drawers … rockler dot com as well as woodworkers supply dot com
alamo stone products for stone veneer that’s concrete, light, and easy to install if you want a brick or stacked stone look
local lumber supplies if you want moldings, door casings, or plywood for new doors/windows/paneling or even 3/4 ply to make new cabinet doors (and use veneer for the sides) … can also get 1/4 ply to use to reface cabinet bases. Minwax stains followed by 7 coats of thinned down minwax poly. Lots of time.
I don’t want to over run the corporette thread … have done less intensive on two other homes, so this one’s been the bomb. But we love it.
BigHTown
Had to look it up –
we used ira woods dot com
for a big, deep, elkay sink and for the “your hands can do so many many things” automatic faucet…love that, best price, good, service and would never get a traditional faucet again. Makes me want to change out the one in the bathroom, but no…
I see you are having contractors install, so that voids my next recommendation to use 18×18 or 16×16 granite tile instead of slabs … which come so large my DH and I would not be able to lift, move, cut them ourselves.
Love the stainless steel subway mosaic sheets of tile we got for the kitchen backsplash…cleans up grease and grime and spots like a whiz…they are hard to install as it is a metal cap atop a porcelain brick and hard to cut unless you’re experienced, so be sure to ask your contractor to ensure the sub is skilled at metal
Love our porcelain floor tiles from italy for the kitchen…got some that look like the real slate we put in the master bedroom. Would do lots more of the house in that if need be – if the terrazo in the den cracks further (we live in a foundation moving sort of place). Alfalux is the brand from Italy. Got it from a local tile place and it’s carried by all your Master Tile suppliers. Lovely. Wears well, smooth and matte for traction. Cuts like buttah on a tile saw, for what it’s worth.
Can’t advise on working with contractors and subs – we are our own…other than install of Pella sliding doors, one huge window and a glass front door. No complaints there. Worth the cost and they ensure the measurements and materials and labor forever.
Happy choosing – I know it’s overwhelming.
cginnyc
Styling suggestions desperately needed! I recently bought these oxford booties which I really like but can’t figure out what to wear with them. Yesterday I wore them with a deep gray cardigan over a black think knit dress and subtly striped gray opaque tights. The colors seemed to work well but something was off – perhaps the colors were too dark and seemed to such light. I don’t know what colors to wear with these shoes and whether to wear them with dresses or pants. Please, please help!
http://www.dsw.com/shoe/naya+jasper+oxford+bootie?prodId=221158
Ru
These are cute! I think the issue here is that you tried to wear these as statement shoes but the color is more of a neutral. Wear these when you don’t feel like wearing black shoes. These go with pants or skirts, and would go great with navy, brown, camel, tan and gray. Your outfit sounds ok but it’s too much monochrome for this shoe. I’d suggest navy, eggplant or even maroon tights instead. Use these shoes to support the statement item of your outfit.
cginnyc
Yep – you are right, I was indeed trying to wear them as statement shoes. Pairing them with navy and tan sounds great because I hate wearing black shoes with those colors. Thanks so much for the ideas!
In House Europe
Kat, can you please give Ru her own column?? You rock my world, Ru!!
Bonnie
Second for a Ru column.
UpNorth
Hello Corporettes!
Do you have any advice for a new employee around Boss’ Day?
Is it appropriate to give a small gift? I started a few months ago, so I don’t know my supervisors particularly well and they don’t drink coffee.
I have three supervisors- two male and one female. Does anyone have any advice? TIA!
Anon
It really does depend on the specific relationships/people involved. Is there a co-worker you could get input from who could tell you what the norm is at your new workplace? Or maybe you can buy something small and stash it away on the day of and get a sense of what everyone else is doing. FWIW, I think that the gift downward (in the chain of command), not upward is a good general rule of thumb.
Anonymous
If you feel compelled to do something, and expect others in your workplace will acknowledge this (ridiculous, IMO) day, I think donuts or muffins or bagels as a very simple acknowledgement would be appropriate. I, personally, think the idea of having to thank your supervisors for treating you with respect and keeping you employed is a bastardization of the sentiment behind recognition holidays, but I also realize why you feel that doing something nice on that day is (a) a good opportunity to showyour appreciation for those relationships and (b) a day you may be expected to participate in.
UpNorth
Thanks for the comments- as I mentioned, I am new to the office and want to make a good impression. I certainly don’t want to look like a brown-noser, but also do not want to seem oblivious if other acknowledge it.
I’m thinking a simple, professional card and a small gift card to a book shop. Does this seem reasonable?
ER
I’ve never worked anywhere that celebrated this “holiday.” And unless everyone else is doing something, I think you will look like a brown-noser, and even make your boss uncomfortable.
Sandy McSouthers
Agreed.
Is this friendship salvageable?
Knew a guy from HS, went to college together and got to be great friends there (nothing more), and then were close through grad school/first jobs etc. even though we have lived in different cities since 2002. He’s a guy friend, so obviously its not about talking all the time, but for the last few years we would exchange 1-2 emails per week on work email about whatever was randomly going on (work stuff; news etc.), would speak 3-4 times a year, and get together once every year or year and a half either when we were both home for the holidays or if he’s traveling to my city for work
Now it has been one year since he has been in touch, and I’m not sure what happened or what I did. He moved jobs and cities a year ago and is apparently really busy and does tend to fall off the radar when he either gets crazy busy or has something going on that he is embarrassed to share (i.e. a job loss), but I’d say 12 months is a bit ridiculous. I have not been bugging him — in that time, I’ve probably sent 5-6 texts total, including a happy birthday one. I don’t care how busy you are, I think you can say ‘thx.’ I’m also on such a limited FB profile that I may as well not be a friend (I have not done the same to him). He hasn’t completely fallen off the face of the earth with everyone, as we have random mutual HS friends on FB and every once in a while I’ll see him posting to them (though I stay out of it and don’t say anything to him).
Should I just accept that he doesn’t want to be in touch for whatever reason or call him out on it? I know I shouldn’t care and shouldn’t want to talk to people who don’t want me, but it does hurt because I barely have a handful of close friends. He and I were really close and could share anything for 8 years — work troubles, family issues etc. I’ve randomly heard there was a GF, though I have no idea if she is serious/still in the picture or has any effect; nor do I think it should matter, as it’s not like I’m suggesting that he should be sending me flowers on my birthday or something. I just think that a ‘happy holidays’ or ‘happy bday’ for someone you used to be so close with isn’t too much to ask.
ahm
Ugh, I’m sorry. I’ve been in this situation with both guys & girls and it’s depressing :( My guess is that its a combination of him being busy and him also not thinking you two were as close as you did (sorry if that sounds harsh but based on my personal experience when this has happened to me, I realized that I thought much more of my friendship with the person than s/he did). Personally, I don’t think there’s a lot of value in calling him out on it. If you do ask him what’s up, he’ll probably either not respond or make up same lame excuse that will probably just make you feel worse and leave you wondering if there is still hope for the friendship to be repaired when there isn’t (because, lets face it, even if he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt you, failing to respond to texts 6 times over a year needs a much better excuse than just being busy). The only exception to this would be if you thought there might actually have been a personal tragedy or some other huge thing that really affected his life, but based on what you know of him from mutual friends it definitely seems like that’s not the case. In my experience, the best thing to do it just write it off as a friendship that drifted apart and focus on the future and building new friendships. But everyone is different and if you are someone who really benefits from closure, then maybe its worth asking him what the heck happened.
Is this friendship salvageable?
You weren’t harsh at all . When I think about it, I don’t really WANT to get in touch with him bc why should I chase someone who doesn’t care enough to get in touch in 12 months. I feel dumb, as I gave him way more time than I should have for close to a decade — always just friends and never more but whenever there was anything going on, I would always be a good friend, be it a minor work crisis or a major health scare; there were times where I was on trial and sleeping 2 hrs a night but if he emailed, I felt I at least owed him a 2 liner in order to be a good friend. Obviously he didn’t care the same way. I know I shouldn’t care, but let’s face it, I’m the one with few friends. Stupidly, I was always so school/grade/job driven when younger, that I didn’t take the time to breathe and enjoy life and make many friends. I have a few close relationships and that is it; that’s not to say that I’m bugging anyone or relying on them, but when one of them drifts away, it is a very noticeable loss to me, which it wouldn’t be to others who have 50 friends. And I am finding it impossible to make friends in NYC — everyone here seems to be from the area or have a ton of college friends here, and most people in their 30s are not looking for friends to hang with, esp. single ones. Work friends are ok, but those aren’t close relationships for me. They were very close when I was a junior associate but as people leave biglaw (and I want to stay), I find you meet up with those work friends a lot for the first year or two as they still want gossip etc. but as time goes by you realize your only bond was work and you have little else in common as they have settled into a 9-5 job and a different type of life.
Can't remember my handle
I posted about a similar problem awhile back. I used a handle different from my regular one b/c it was so personal but now I don’t remember what it was so it may be difficult for you to find that post.
Long story short, a guy was my best friend my whole life. Even one of my bridesmaids. We now live far apart but work in the same field. He married a very traditional southern woman who has set some pretty strict parameters for him (not saying this is typical of southern women, just trying to paint a picture.) Specifically, I get the vibe that she is not comfortable with our friendship. Since she has been in the picture I got the same treatment you are getting.
When I wrote in I was wondering if I should “break up with him” because I was always there for him but he was never there for me anymore. My husband was sick of him hurting me and thought I should be done with him for good. When we would talk he would talk for like 10 minutes and say “oh (wife’s name) is saying its time to go, have to do (insert mundane daily activity.) So annoying.
I decided to distance myself and not count on him but still remain somewhat in touch. I recently found myself in his town and spent a little time with him and his wife in person. In the rare moments when we were alone I got to see that he really did still care about our friendship but was just so on guard when she was around. It was clear that he would be “in trouble” for almost anything. That said he clearly also did some things just to annoy her that made me super uncomfortable. For example, he asked my opinion about things when he knew my opinion conflicted with hers but agreed with him. I had no way of knowing until after I spoke and saw her pissed and him gloating.
Long story short, (too late I know) I’m glad I’d got to be there in person. I’m glad he still cares. I don’t want to come between their marriage. He has made his choice and I’m glad he did. They now have a beautiful child together. I hope their marriage lasts and I recognize it isn’t the healthiest. I will remain their distant friend and probably a thorn in the wife’s side but that is his problem, not mine. I rarely call and let him kind of “control” the friendship as he is comfortable.
Your friendship has changed. It won’t be the same. But there is no need to just “break it off.” Do what you can to stay in touch but don’t force it. Trust that there is something else in his life dictating this change.
Is this friendship salvageable?
So do you ever contact him or not? I’m wondering if I should even say happy holidays ever again or let it go. Part of me thinks that not even keeping up the niceties at all is a way for me to say “I’m done and I don’t care what you do,” and I don’t know if I want to break it off that completely; but then the other part of me says, why should I be in the one to keep trying when you don’t even care.
I find the whole thing odd, even if there is a GF involved. In this era of facebook etc., it is so easy to stay in touch without being closely in touch. He has hundred of FB friends including women, that doesn’t mean that he’s close with all of them; he can also drop me a one line email from his work email, which we’ve done for years, without pissing off a GF, esp. since he knows that I have never been the needy type who will call him that night expecting a 2 hr long phone call or something. I’m the type who will reciprocate a similar email and that’s it.
Can't remember my handle
I felt the same way as you. I wanted him to just tell me what the heck was going on. My husband convinced me that no guy is going to call their female friend and say “my wife won’t let me talk to you.” My friend has other female friends but his wife just has a bigger issue with me even though I’m far away and married. Others on here made me realize why she felt that way. One, I knew him longer than she did and probably better than most other people in his life. Two, his family adores me and talks about me all the time. She probably felt threatened and always like she had to live up to me or be better than me in his family’s eyes. Third, without sounding witchy, a lot of his guy friends find me attractive and would make comments about me. I think she probably thought if his friends think I’m hot, he must too. She may have found some of his other friends less threatening in the looks department.
Regarding my day to day approach now, I occassionaly email or text but only when I have something specific I want to say – not just happy holidays. I’ll let him know someone from our high school died or the place he worked in high school closed. I’ll ask if he is coming home for thanksgiving or something like that. As far as just catching up goes, I let him dictate that. I find that when it happens, he is usually on the road for work or she is out of town. That was pre-baby so I’m not sure when it will happen again. I basically decided to stop emailing/texting/calling him and wait for him to make the next move. He eventually did and I responded.
When I realized I would be in his town, I did text to see if I could stop by. He did respond and surprisingly they invited me over.
As far as Facebook goes, I think that made the situation worse. I was an active Facebook user and I think she just followed everything I did obsessively. I am off Facebook now so I don’t think she has to think about me as often unless someone mentions me.
It totally sucks and I wish you the best.
Can't remember my handle
Oh, when the wounds were still fresh I almost didn’t go to his wedding and cried like a baby when the invitation came in. I had gone from best friend to not even knowing he was getting engaged. My husband convinced me to still go, at least for his family, and I had a lot of fun with them and my high school friends. I swear her friends were given me dirty looks all night but I could care less. One girl he went to undergrad with showed up at the wedding (black tie) in this scandalous J-Lo deep v style dress to their conservative religious wedding. I’m sure steam was coming out of his wive’s nose. It was nice to not be the most hated person there.
dark undereye circles
I have dark undereye circles (genetics!) and the treatments I’ve tried have either been not very effective (e.g. Clinique all about eyes) or sting/irritate my eyes (Shiseido white lucent brightening eye treatment). Any suggestions for an eye cream that really helps with dark circles but will not irritate my eyes? Thanks!
Makeup Junkie
I’ve had some luck with 100% unrefined shea butter. I use it to combat wrinkles, but it seems to have made my dark circles fade a bit. The dark circles are hereditary so they’ll never really be gone, but I like the shea butter solution. I’d previously tried a lot of commercial products too that didn’t work too well
dark undereye circles
Hmm, thanks…worth a try! Good to know I’m not the only finding a lot the commercial products ineffective.
Erin
So Beautypedia (which is basically my skincare bible, but ymmv) says that no ingredients have ever been proven to help with dark circles. All About Eyes is pretty much the highest recommended eye cream on Beautypedia. I prefer Burts Bees Naturally Ageless Smoothing Eye Creme. It works really well and is really gentle.
If you want a concealer, I’ve been using one that was recommended by our very own Kat and I really like it – Neutrogena 3-in-1 Concealer for Eyes with SPF 20. It has moisturizing cream in it to and it works like a charm.
dark undereye circles
Thank you! Will try that concealer – I’ve been thinking I should be using something with SPF around my eyes!
mamabear
I agree – I believe dark circles are just extra-thin skin.
If you end up not liking the Neutrogena concealer, you might give Laura Mercier’s Secret Camouflage a try. But I really like reading that Neutrogena has SPF!
Been There
I had a friend like that from high school, except that out friendship included some sex through the HS years and infrequent phone sex later. One year when I called him to wish him happy birthday (about 15 years after HS graduation), a woman answered. It was his fiancée. I introduced myself, apologized and have never tried to contact him since.
Hel-lo
Sometimes you’re the windshield, and sometimes you’re the bug.
I feel like I have a great life – great family, great boyfriend, and I own my own practice.
But this morning, I put facial moisturizer on my hair instead of leave-in conditioner/curl product.
Nice. I guess we can’t be 100% together all of the time. :)
NOLA
Oh I can so relate! Last spring when I was going through a particularly stressful time at work, I tried to remove my eye makeup with nail polish remover (the bottles were next to each other in the cabinet and without my glasses I didn’t even notice). I was really lucky that I didn’t do major damage to my eye. And I felt like an idiot.
Erin
I used nail polish remover as toner, once, myself. I have pretty sensitive skin, so i noticed real fast that something was up.
Once I was camping with my mom and she started to brush her teeth with anti-itch cream.
MelD
I’d like to say I haven’t done that. Twice in one week. Now the remover stays under the sink in the other bathroom just to be safe.
Equity's Darling
I’ve done the toner and polish remover before. Now my toner bottle has a spray lid, and I keep the nailpolish remover in a drawer. I too have sensitive skin, I felt like I had burned my skin off. Urgh.
Jas
I’ve almost done that! Although luckily I noticed the smell *just* before I put it on my eye.
mamabear
A few years ago, I had a week-long business trip and stayed at a hotel I hadn’t used before. I kept wondering why such a nice place didn’t offer body lotion with the in-room toiletries, but I went out and bought some anyway.
I figured out why on the last day – I’d been conditioning my hair with it all week long. And I’d been blaming my flat hair on the water pressure!
Canadian
So I think I know the answer to this question, but I am hoping for some confirmation for all of you Nordstrom-Customer-Service-Loving corporettes. Does their “free returns” mean that you can put the item back in the mail (for free) to return your item, or do you have to return it for “free” to a brick-and-mortar Nordstrom store? [sidenote: I am shipping to a US address (woohoo!) and so am hoping if items don’t work, I can ship it back while I am in the US, since clearly international returns are not free]
Blonde Lawyer
Zappos free returns means shipping. I don’t know about Nordstroms but I’m guessing it does. Call and ask.
MeliaraofTlanth
Nordstrom’s free returns mean you can put it in the mail for free.
Sandb
Mortgages . . . any hints on how to shop around. Also, if we want to buy in the Spring, are we too early to look at rates now?
To Find a Mortgage
You can get a general sense of what rates are at www DOT bankrate DOT com. Never ever use a big box bank for a mortgage. You need to find a qualified mortgage broker in your area. Actually, find three and ask them all the same initial questions and see which you prefer working with and which seems more with it. I found mine because a number of people in my then-firm were using him. This is not a “I’ll just use whoever my salon lady/personal trainer/drinking friend uses” referral type. Ask the nerdiest, most financially savvy people you know. They all have one — it’s just something no one ever talks about.
If you are in southern California, say so and let me know how to contact you off-line to give you mine.
Starting now seems OK, especially if you have never done this before, because it gives you time to collect ALL the proper documentation if you don’t already have it handy.
PS on rates: I just read something that says they will go down even further. Frankly, if you are buying for the first time, and you plan to live in the house, whatever rate you get these days (it may go as low as 3 for a 30 year fixed, which is now about 3.5-4, or it may go as high as 5 or 6) is still a brilliant deal. Ask anyone who bought a house in the 1970s, when rates were in the high teens. Buy it if it is right for you, get a fixed rate, and don’t look back. All the variable rates and balloon payments and waiting to game the market for an extra 1/8th point and then refinancing for the balloon is nonsense when you are talking about your family’s home. (That was me channeling my dad right there.)
Many Mortgages
It’s probably a bit early to start thinking about rates now. A lot can change between now and spring, so I wouldn’t count on a particular rate.
OTOH, it is not to early to start getting paperwork in line and running numbers. Getting recommendations for mortgage agents as well is a good idea. Ask your employer. I’ve been able to get some not generally available mortgage products because my employer has had relationships with a particular bank. Also, this past home purchase I found that there are fewer brokers than there used to be. This means more legwork on your end — you need to shop rates yourself.
I know you just asked about mortgages, but since I’ve found getting a mortgage easy compared with getting a good real estate agent, I’ll offer my thoughts on that.
First, ask around. Ask people to be really candid about their agents. Think about going to open houses. In many markets, the reason agents hold open houses is to get future business. Interview at least three agents. Find out what geographic areas the specialize in, ask what kind of networking they do within their area (the big value added an agent can bring is getting you in to see a property before it’s on the market, or getting along with agents so your offer doesn’t get buried).
This might be controversial, but no matter how good my agent is, I never trust them. Anything I say to my agent I assume will get back to the other side. I am sure to give my agent enough info to get me in to see what I want and bargain with my best interests. I don’t give them my real bottom line or a complete run down of what I’m willing to trade away.
If you live in a market where Redfin covers, get to know it well. It is the best real estate site I’ve found. On my last home purchase, I found the house on Redfin before my agent saw it (within minutes of it hitting the MLS). I had also watched every house go on the market in my target area for about 6 mos, so I knew price points, square footage, days on market, etc. It was wonderful. When “the” house showed up, I knew it and was completely comfortable in my bid.
Sandb
Thanks for the thoughts–especially on real estate agents! I have had one mortgage before, but back in 2004, they were easy to get and we got an incredible rate with our credit union. I am very excited about being in another house and appreciate the advice. I’m on the east coast, so no Redfin here. I wish we had it (or something like it), as we got a pretty good deal selling our last house by ourselves, but the FSBO market in our new area is nonexistant.
anon mouse
Dear Corporettes,
Longtime lurker here. I read this blog to help pick out interviewing suits, found tips for interviewing, landed a job, found more tips for professional business casual attire, and lived my legal dreams vicariously through you.
I’m an ’11 college grad (bachelors) and landed a very solid job. It relates to my area of study (+), pays well (+), and is with a great company (+). Sadly, I am having several problems, and would love some advice. I’ve only been working for 2 weeks and I am hoping this is just a bad transition to the real world/sensitivity issues that will clear up over time but any and all advice would be appreciated. (even if it is to grow a pair/put on my big girl undergarments)
1) I have a crappy commute. I drive 20 minutes to take a 40-60 minute bus ride, and my commute amounts to around 2 1/2 hours a day. I get home and I am cranky. I’m trying to save money and pay off loans by living at home, but I could afford to move into the city. Any busriders or subway riders have tips to occupy myself on the bus? My kindle just broke and I’m in the market for a new phone/e-reader if that helps.
2) I was hired with two other people. This has lead to weird competitive vibes because even though there seems to be enough work to sustain all three, the company was “managing” with just our boss a year ago. This competitiveness means that everyone works through lunch, doesn’t leave until the boss does, really minimizes bathroom and coffee breaks and either rushes to get work done first or takes forever to ensure its accuracy. We have only been here 2 weeks, so it’s not like we’re doing really critical work here. However, I’m the first one to get in in the mornings (~7:30) and I know I shouldn’t feel guilty to leave at 5pm after working through lunch and completing all my work, but I do. Is this silly? Note that we are not in a life-or-death industry. We are working to complete things on a deadline, but it’s not really like the legal field or IT projects or something. We do have performance-based bonuses at the end of the year, but I don’t feel like logging pointless hours in the first month of work should/would impact those.
3) I don’t feel like I “fit in” with my team or my office. I am the only under 30 unmarried female in the office, and the only female on my team. Whenever I try to talk to other people I get stonewalled and the subject changes to sports and/or married life. This has manifested in my boss and co-worker going to lunch regularly, even after I ask if anyone would like to go grab food with me. It is possible there are people in other offices nationally/locally that I could relate to and form relationships with, but the prospects of having friends in the office seems unlikely.
Does anyone have advice or anecdotes? Sorry to blather on… and yes, I know I am fortunate and am very appreciative of my job, but my mental and emotional health are more important to me at this stage.
love,
anon mouse
MelD
Don’t stress out yet. You’ve only been there 2 weeks. Is it just your boss and one coworker who go to lunch or is it a group thing where everyone could go? I’d recommend trying to go with the bigger group if you are invited. We have something similar in my office where there is one coworker who goes out with the boss everyday while the rest of us are usually left out. It’s frustrating at times, but I try not to let it bother me.
Have you tried talking to your coworkers one on one? I find that in larger groups at my office, the topics do often end up with sports/family, but one on one it’s much easier to get people to talk about other topics of interest. I think sports and families are just the default since they’re fairly common interests. Are there any other unmarried women in the office? I don’t really think age matters that much as I have friends ranging anywhere from mid-twenties to sixties. Some of those other women may share common interests with you, even if they’re in their 30s or 40s.
Bee
You have to build up endurance for almost any new routine. The c0mmute and the work environment should get easier as they become more familiar to you.
A shorter commute would be nice, but proximity to friends and family may be more important for now. You might try reading (kindle, book, newspaper) or audio books. The commute may also be a good time to check e-mail or make phone calls (if not too noisy).
The best thing to talk about at work is work.
My own daughter (yes, I’m old enough to be your mother) says she got good advice on professional/work relationship skills from “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior”. The book is older than you are, but the advice is still good.
Erin
PLEASE no making phone calls on the bus. Don’t be that person. Your fellow commuters thank you.
Mir
First, congrats on your new job! (also, you might want to repost this tomorrow to get more responses) and now:
1. Commute is a big deal. I assume you live in NYC or DC or the like where no one is going to commiserate with you too much about an hour+ commute, but it majorly affects your quality of life, and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to make it better without moving or getting a new job. I ride the subway every day with short walk on either end. I spend the time on the subway reading books that I genuinely like reading anyway, and I still get frustrated that my door-to-door commute is 50+ minutes. Sometimes you just want your time back! Give it another month or two before making any decisions, but this isn’t something that will go away, and I think you will be much happier if you move into the city for a shorter commute.
2, 7:30-5 is a long day in my industry — do the employees who have been there longer work those hours? If not, forget the competitive vibe, and, if you’ve completed your tasks for the day, leave at 4. Or come in later if you have to stay til 5 because of business hours. If it makes you feel better, tell your boss at 3:00 that you are leaving in an hour and ask if there is anything else he/she needs from you before the end of the day. Setting a precedent of regular 9.5 hour days in an industry that doesn’t demand it will probably just make you miserable for little gain.
3. Your office sounds difficult, but it’s only been two weeks. Look at everyone else — do they seem like they’re friends, or does everyone keep to themselves? I felt out of place at my office at first, and it felt even worse because everyone else seemed to be so close. But it was just because I was the new girl, and I was assimilated after a few months. If everyone else seems similarly isolated, chalk it up to office culture. Maybe stop by and talk to people instead of sending e-mails, but realize you will be fighting an uphill battle.
Stay optimistic! Every job has an adjustment period, and you are still well within it. Things will get better!
Jas
I think some of this will get much easier once you’ve been there a while. My first little while at my job, which was also my first real job out of school, I did 8:30 to 6:30 or 7 every day. I think I was just worried that it seemed like I was slow to get tasks done so I felt I had to put extra time in. As a result, I got a reputation as a workaholic. I realized that when in the course of a week, four of my coworkers said something along the lines of “you’re still here? go home!” So maybe stop doing such long days before it gets that far, because I think with me it ended up with my boss worrying that I wasn’t handling the move to a new town very well.
I think the not fitting in will get better, too. It may just be that they’re a bit more casual in their interactions and you’re being on your best behaviour since you’re new, so they’re not sure how casual or joking they can be with you. Once you all get to know each other a bit better, I bet you’ll have more to talk about than the super-safe topics like families and sports.
Erin
I think it is mostly adjustment to the working world. Everyone I know went through something like this, and most people go through it at every new job. Once you adjust, it gets a lot better.
Re: your commute: Honestly I think it’s worth it to move into the city. 12.5 hours/week spent commuting is like 1.5 extra work days per week. If you could move within 30 minutes of work, it would be like having an entire 7.5 work day free. Obviously everyone has different priorities, but after 2 years of a long bus commute, my priority became living within walking distance of work. Anyway, when I was doing the bus commute, I listened to NPR on the radio with headphones.
Re: 2 – I work in an office where the culture is to arrive late and work late. I used to arrive early and leave at 5. I was reprimanded for leaving too early, because no one knew (or cared) that I arrived at 8. One of my coworkers has a flex time arrangement where she works 7:30-4; I hear a lot of snarky remarks about how she’s lazy from people who don’t know the particularities of her HR situation. It makes her not look like a team player. So, I think you’d do best to adjust your schedule to match your office norm.
Re: 3- You don’t have to be friends with your coworkers, but you do need to get to know and like them. Right now, you’re the girl who always tries to change the subject from what they really want to talk about (sports). Find an interest that you share with them and that they enjoy talking about, even if it means you have to talk about sports. I agree with other commenters who say age doesn’t matter. It does sound like your coworkers aren’t making any effort to welcome you, which is crappy, but you still have to put your best foot forward.
ER
I agree with everything that Erin said. It just doesn’t look as good to be the first one to leave no matter what time you’re getting in in the morning, especially as a junior person. Wait to choose your own schedule until you have built a reputation of being a reliable and diligent worker.
I’m sure others will disagree, but my personal opinion is that being able to make small talk about sports is a huge professional advantage. If you have a smartphone, you can start building that knowledge now by reading ESPN on your way to work. (It will take a few years of following sports to really be able to talk about it, and it will help if you have a friend or family member to watch games with–so consider this a long-term investment.) Of course, if you hate sports, it might not be worth it to you–but you might find that the camaraderie around a sports team is very fun and more enjoyable than talking about other people’s kids!
Also, don’t worry about how you stack up against your colleagues for at least the first few months. Just try to do your best and stay confident. You’ll never know how things will change as people start to loosen up, as your superiors recognize the quality of your work-product, and you are tested under a tight deadline or “crisis.”
anon mouse
thank you all so much for the advice and feedback! I certainly anticipated a firmer kick in the pants to stop whining about the small stuff. To answer a few questions…
It is just the one guy + my boss who get lunch. They have much more in common (both are married, in their 30s) The other new hire also tends to work through lunch at his desk.
I’ve tried talking with coworkers about a range of subjects (food, art, weather, college, previous work, etc.) but most conversations end after a minute or less. It is a bit disheartening, and makes me wonder if I’m just super awkward at work right now.
Re: talking to any age range of women… I actually really enjoy talking to older women and don’t think it’s weird at all to be friends with them. I get the feeling that this open-mindedness is not expected or reciprocated on their end, however. Most women tend to talk about their recently-graduated daughters and then realize that they are old enough to be my mother and return to talking with each other. Fingers crossed that this replicates other social situations and sorts itself out in about a month or so.
Definitely have been meaning to check out Miss Manners, thank Bee!
Re: commute, it seems like either suck it up & find something to occupy myself on the bus or move into the city are the options. Nice to know other people are going through this same thing, though.
Re: hours/competitiveness, thanks for the suggestion to come in later and leave later. I wake up early naturally and the bus ride is shorter, hence why I tend to come in early… however, I definitely feel that leave when the boss leaves is the way to go, and since he gets in late and stays late, I should follow that model. He has reiterated that he doesn’t care when we work as long as the work gets done… but I definitely feel like there are subconscious judgements of people leaving early (I raise my eyebrows when I see someone checking out at 4).
Re: sports, I actually am a football fan (go Steelers!) but I don’t have the breadth of technical knowledge nor watch the local games in the way they do. Sadly, they are also baseball and basketball fans, of which I know nothing. I’m reminded of that episode of The Office where Jan has an all-female meeting and says “Sports talk is one of the ways women feel excluded from male conversations in the office…” It probably is worth effort on my part to learn more about it.
I guess my underlying question to these feelings was “is this normal?” and I feel like the answers have been a resounding yes, and that things need time to adjust. I feel much better knowing that I’m not insane for feeling this way and that others have been through this.
Hair Straightening Help
Okay. I got a haircut yesterday that requires me to straighten my already-straight hair. I ‘ve now flat-ironed my hair, using a spray heat protectant/anti-frizz formula. What do I do now to keep my hair straight all day? Is this the time for hair spray, or is there another product for this?
I’m not used to having to do anything to or use any products on my hair, so please help this frustrated novice!
viclawstudent
Are you actually having a particular problem once you’ve straightened it, or are you just curious for the future?
I straighten my hair (which is already straight), so here’s my three cents.
I use a John Frieda anti-heat protection creme/anti-frizz before I blow-dry. It works better than the other products I’ve used for that purpose, by a long shot. I use more of it than recommended (they say dime-sized, I used about twice that, but my hair’s fairly long). Blow-dry, then straighten. Make sure you’ve got a nice quality straightener – the lower quality ones can break your hair and increase frizzes.
I then flip my head upside, and spray on a light amount of hairspray. Stand back up, and spray either hairspray or a shine/control spray (or both, if I’m trying to look particularly polished) directly onto my palm. Slick over one side of crown of head (that’s where the frizzies go). Repeat on other side of head.
That works fine for me – my hair will stay straight and sleek looking for three days on that routine. If wind/water are a problem, I carry a comb in my bag to get everything back down and if I know I’m in a situation where it could be necessary to “fix it,” I’ll carry hairspray and repeat the hand-rubbing-over-hair trick to make everything settle down.
For "Hair Straightening Help"
Your comment came through to my email as a notification, but I can’t find it in this thread. So I’m just responding to it here. Hope you can find this.
I posted about this a few weeks ago. My plea was “my hair is perfectly straight when I leave the house, but a mess by the end of the day. Why doesn’t this happen to Catherine Middleton, Nancy Pelosi, Michele Bachmann etc. who are out in all kinds of weather?”
Here is what I found. It has been working really well for me for 3 1/2 weeks.
First, use John Freida Weather-Proofing® Style Sealant Crème when your hair is wet, before you blow dry. I bought mine at a RiteAid.
Second, use Alterna Bamboo Smooth Anti-Humidity Hair Spray after you blow dry. Most days, I spray it on a comb and then comb through my hair. Spray/Comb about four times to cover my entire head. When there is a lot of humidity (rare where I live), I spray it all over my head. So long as you don’t touch your hair all day, it will stay exactly where it is. It is a little too “politician/beauty queen artificial” for me every day, but on a rainy day it is preferable to the alternative. I bought mine at Sephora.
I will post links in a separate comment.
Let us know how it goes.
For "Hair Straightening Help"
Links:
http://www.johnfrieda.com/en-US/ProductDetail/Hair-Care/Frizz-Ease/Weather-Proofing-Style-Sealant-Creme
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P283317
For "Hair Straightening Help"
Just posted links. They are awaiting moderation.
BeBeLawyer
Aw, just wanted to empathize bc it’s too late in the weekend for you to get much of a response. Recommend re-posting tomorrow. In the meantime, my experience tells me that new work situations are big transitions and things do eventually normalize. Good luck!