This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I am loving the rash guard trend — I feel like this season I'm seeing long-sleeved rash guards for women everywhere, even if you're planning on doing more lounging than surfing. Old Navy and Lands' End both have some super affordable versions, but this pricey red and white stripey one is oh so cool. It's $210 at J.Crew. Pret-à-Surf® for J.Crew striped front-zip rash guard
(L-4)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
SFBayA
Bay Area meetup July 27th
k-padi
You rock! Awesome.
anonypotamus
oh darn. i already have plans that day :( next time for sure!
Ellen
Yay!!!! Open thread’s!!!! I love open thread’s!!! The manageing partner says that I MUST take a vacateion this year. Last year I onley took 7 day’s off over the corse of the full year and he is afreaid I will get BURNED out! FOOEY! Me to. OR, Mabye I can get Myrna to take time off or Dad can take me to San Francisco b/c he once taught at Stanford U so he knows ALL about Silicone Valley and HI-TECH thing’s!
For now I told dad that I would NOT go home this weekend, but I would go with him to the manageing partner’s house in the Hamton’s over the 4th of July holiday and go out on the new 53 foot boat. The manageing partner is showeing picture’s of it to everyone and he is goeing to have a party in August for the whole firm. YAY!!!!!
Myrna did NOT want to go into NYSC to see Brandon so mabye next week. She is to busy getting siked for her race this weekend. I have to drive upstate with her, so I am going tr be gone all day Saturday and we will stay until Sunday! Yay!!!
Anonymous
Does this mean she is coming?
k-padi
I hope so!
Samantha
Yay! Lets do it at the beer garden.
Miss Behaved
My mom has this int he blue stripes and my sister-in-law has the color-blocked one. The striped one is especially cute.
anon
Has anyone heard from K in transition? I miss her around here!
NOLA
zora was supposed to be meeting up with her a few weeks ago so she may jump in. I’ll email her and check in. I got a quick email from her on the 15th but we haven’t caught up in awhile.
Awful Lawful
Ditto on missing K. I miss her input around here. Please tell her that we were asking after her!
zora
I didn’t get to see her when I was in Ohio, unfortunately, which was sad. But I do talk to her regularly on Fb. I will tell her she’s being asked about! ;o) But, I don’t think she wants to come back anytime soon, sadly. I know she’d always love to hear from folks by email, tho! I am happy to pass on any messages to her if you email me at zoradances at the mail by google.
another anon
If I remember right, she was having surgery sometime soon and has been very very sick lately. I hope that she is feeling better. (I hesitated a moment to write this though after some of you thought she was faking things she said in the past, but she seems to be genuinely a good person and I very much doubt she is pretending here.)
I am sorry she is not returning here (although I understand why) and I do wish her well and hope she is healthy!
NOLA
She is home recovering from surgery, with the help of several friends, right now.
abc
are you sure she really is sick? I don’t know whether to roll my eyes at more of her antics or to feel badly that we were wrong about her making things up all this time.
zora
wow. Seriously?
This is exactly why I have taken long breaks from this site, because I just don’t even understand comments like this.
I don’t even think you deserve a genuine response, honestly, but yes. She is actually sick. I hope you feel bad now, but i”m not holding my breath.
Anon and annoyed
“roll my eyes at more of her antics”
**record scratching sound**
Okay. I don’t know K in real life. Or via email (or any other method – other than reading her posts on this site). I don’t actually know anyone who posts here IRL (or via any other method than this site).
That being said, I’m not sure what K (or anyone else) ever said or did to make you think “antics”. From what I recall, she had a rough couple of months (a breakup, a sick pet that ending up passing away, a few moves, difficulty finding a new job). She talked about these things here because that is what we do here. She frequently commented (extremely helpfully) on topics regarding mental health issues. She also made it known that her services (paid) were available, but wasn’t blatant about it. Also from what I recall, the main beef that some people had with K was that she was offering life/coaching/counseling services but didn’t have her own life together 100%. To which I say, let he without sin cast the first stone. I don’t know the first thing about my therapist’s life, but I’d be shocked if it were perfect. Because whose is? Doesn’t mean I don’t benefit tremendously from my appointments with her. Doesn’t mean she isn’t great at her job.
Done ranting now. K – I don’t know you, and I don’t think you read here anymore – but I hope you recover quickly from your surgery and that life brings you a smoother road going forward.
L
Here’s the thing; either way you’re behaving like a jerk.
Who the f cares if people make sh*t up or are telling the truth? It’s a website dedicated to clothes for god sake, not the UN. If people want to feel invested in other people, let them. If you don’t want to, then don’t.
So while you may roll your eyes at people’s “antics” realize that your behavior is actually more pathetic.
Elle
I have to say (without going anon) that I LOVE these kinds of comments. Because the comments about people who’ve left the site are always so passive aggressive. Oh, those *sigh* meanies drove X person or Y person off the site. It’s very high school and a bit weird. K is a big girl, very smart IIRC and I’m sure she doesn’t need to add martyrdom to her resume. So I think if everyone just treats her like an adult who made the best choice for her instead of some sort of child who needs to be coddled or some sort of saint who must be revered, it would provoke fewer negative responses.
zora
i had absolutely no intention to be passive aggressive. Someone said they missed her and if anyone had heard from her. I was just letting those people know that she’s good but is probably not coming back, as, you know, factual information. Wasn’t implying she was a martyr or a saint. In fact, I deliberately did NOT bring up any comment about why or why not she might have left on purpose, because I did not feel that was relevant or any of my business to talk about.
Elle
I don’t know if you intend it but to me it reads as passive aggressive. I understand that people are trying to defend their friend but what is the point of saying “I don’t think she’s coming back sadly” or “But I understand why she is not returning”. What good does it do to bring it up now? NOLA’s comment to me was great. And often when members return, they get a great welcome. Also great. But a lot of times when a “past member” is brought up, it’s done so very passive aggressively. In fact, my recollection of the events in question is that exactly this phenomenon, “friends” of posters repeatedly making unsolicited and slightly passive aggressive defenses against “anonymous” meanies (including referring back in thread after thread) that escalated the situation in the first place.
I liked K and have no insults to level. But I honestly prefer the site now rather than when a small number of posters acted like it was their job to police *any* comment that disagreed with theirs.
And I guess it seems hypocritical to call out your comment but my point isn’t to stop you from posting. My point is to explain why these types of comments will almost always be met with hostility.
zora
I did not “bring her up” someone else did and asked about her. They said they missed her, that’s why the ‘sadly’, because clearly a couple of people wish she was still commenting here. I don’t do passive aggressive, if I was trying to be aggressive you would know. I think you are reading all kinds of things into my original post that were not there.
As for the moral of your comment: the next time someone asks about someone who doesn’t post here anymore, I will be sure to tell them to SSHHHHHH, don’t say anything about [Former Commenter], you will make other commenters be hostile!! And they just can’t help themselves!
Elle
I very clearly commenting only on the fact that you were continuing to refer opaquely to why she left not the fact that she left or how she is. I didn’t even imply that you shouldn’t talk about past posters. As I said, plenty of people, including past posters, comment all the time.
Obviously, I’m not the boss of you, you can say whatever you like. Every time someone makes a mean comment about an ex poster, people have get very pearl clutchy about it. You yourself brought up leaving the site in response to the above anon’s comment. I’m also guessing it is not nice for the poster themselves to know that people are still posting negatively about them on a site on which they no longer have a voice. I thought that as a “friend” or someone who cared about them, you might be interested in *why* those comments are being triggered and maybe how to avoid them. I didn’t write the comment above but I read yours as pretty judgy and passive aggressive and rolled my eyes when I read it. Obviously other people think the same because these comments always trigger nasty responses. So I thought, might be worth pointing out how it read *at least to me*.
But then again, I’m not in contact with or friends with any of those posters and maybe they like having a continuous presence on this site? The benefits of these continuous flareups (in the form of defenders) may outweigh the negatives (detractors maligning reputation online). So I defer to your judgment! Roll on the next round of innocent inquiries -> passive aggressive snipes -> trollish replies -> childish threats to flounce! Long live c o r p o r e t t e!
cyn
Look, some people like certain posters, some people don’t. The reason that K got a lot of sh*t is because when people disagreed with her, she had an army of regulars going “your soooooooo mean!!!!” when literally in the same thread they would be way meaner to no names, or posters who weren’t as popular. K didn’t get run off the boards- she put her self way, way out there- including accepting lots of gifts/donations, and that is great but you have to take the bad with the great. So the full lesson here is if you want ALL of the benefits of putting yourself out there, which means you get great friends/defenders and free stuff, you are also probably going to get some backlash. Let’s please just let the K horse die. Some people liked her, some didn’t. Same as everyone in the whole world.
otherwise I am staying out of this
FYI, I happen to know K in real life and, though many commenters here posted offering her things and saying they would email her about it, many did not actually email her (maybe they were trying to look better here or maybe they forgot, who knows). There were a few people who sent her a card or a helpful gift that she did accept, but it wasn’t nearly what folks here seem to assume. She never begged, she never asked, and I think it’s pretty cruel that folks judge her based on assuming she gained benefits here that she didn’t or that she should be seen as less to have friends here who cared enough to lend a hand when she needed.
In addition, she has been known here to send cards/emails/gifts to others here when they were in need and, though most here are against offering any sort of legal assistance without payment, she had consistently been someone here who offered herself and her professional abilities at a discounted or free rate.
Whatever to this whole thread, but let’s not let people speak untruths and then assume them to be fact. Now please, let’s move on.
Stacy's Mom
I bought a bunch of vneck tshirts from old navy and they’re great basic pieces. However when I wash them, they wrinkle just within the inch or so of the collar. Is there any trick to making this not happen, short of having to iron my tshirts?
Cb
This happens to me as well but I just can’t bare to iron t-shirts (or anything for that matter)
goldribbons
Do you flatten them out before putting them in the dryer? Flattening and folding when they’re sopping wet can help a little, but I think your best bet is just ironing the collar after taking them out of the washer. They’ll get perfectly flat and you can even put them in the dryer after.
anonypotamus
When this happens to my shirts (or the the edges or a skirt), I use my flat iron (which is usually already in use prepping my hair) to smooth out the hemline or neckline. I try to never get out my real iron if I can help it.
KLG
This is genius! I can’t believe this never occurred to me!
eek
Genius.
Anonymous
I learned this trick from my hairdresser and swear to God, it has been a game changer! It’s also great for collars, cuffs, and plackets on button-front shirts.
DAR
True genius!
Lady Harriet
I usually use a hand-held steamer on my t-shirts before wearing them, since they always seem to get wrinkled when I put them away. It’s much faster and easier than ironing, and it will definitely get the wrinkles out of a t-shirt.
DC Association
You’ve got it goin’ on, Stacy’s Mom!
(Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)
bowie
Who could!?!? Fountains of Wayne 4Eva!!!
LilyB
I’m not loving the rashguard trend. I haven’t tried one on but I’m sure it would make my boobs look like a shelf… not a great look for larger-chested ladies. Also, why would you wear this in 85+ degree temps? Just looks uncomfortable for anything other than surfing/boogie boarding.
Miss Behaved
My sister-in-law is large of chest, too. It’s a good cover-up for those who burn easily. I have a different zip-up short sleeved one from Land’s End. I tan, but even I need one during the noon hours in the Caribbean.
Allison
I’d rather have a lighter coverup, but most of the ones I’m finding are sleeveless, which sort of defeats the purpose.
Matilda
I LOVE them, especially for the beach — I splurged on a bunch of them last year to protect a brand-new tattoo, and now I don’t know how I ever did without them. No need to worry about whether I got sunscreen on all the parts of my back (the spatula trick will only get you so far), and no need to worry about the waves taking off my top while I’m body-surfing. Bonus: if you do get in the water, the rashguard will actually keep you cool for a while after you get out.
That said, I’m pretty small-chested — I could see where the tighter, high-necked ones might not work for a larger-chested woman. Carve makes some that are short-sleeved and a bit more scooped — I think Title Nine and REI sell them. I also love one that I got from Roxy.
Bonnie
I don’t get the point of rash guards outside of surfing.
Mpls
Sunblock without the need to reapply?
Wordy
Skin cancer patient here: because I like to swim and trust it more than sunscreen! I have been wearing them for the past few years. Can’t worry about the fashion quotient but I would be happy to see more folks wearing them so I don’t stick out.
j
I spend a lot of time in cold river/ocean water and hate wetsuits – the rash guard is a good compromise for me. Mine also came in handy when I was on vacation in the Caribbean. Sunscreen only works for so long when you have prolonged exposure over several days. I would have been seriously miserable had my body gotten as burnt as my scalp did. I won’t spend $210 on the j. crew one, but I’m happy to find more options and am crossing my fingers that Old Navy makes them in tall sizes.
KLG
I can’t comment on the large chested concerns, but as for the 85+ degree temps, my husband is a cancer survivor and is now more susceptible to skin cancer than the average person. We bought him 3 of them because they’re quicker drying (and offer better sun protection) than his usual method of wearing a cotton t-shirt on the beach/in the water at all times. Then I managed to get my stepdaughter into one so I don’t have to fight with her about sunscreen as much at the pool. Everyone is happy now!
Lady Harriet
I want to get one because I have yet to find a company that makes underwired, large-busted suits that don’t show any cleavage. That way I can just buy a bikini top that actually fits me and wear it under the rash guard as a bra. The modest suits all have shelf bras or those little foam cups which do nothing for me, and the ones that fit my chest assume that I’d like to show it off. I’d like to find one that has more of a scoop neck, since turtlenecks are awful on me, but I don’t swim enough to justify the money on one right now, so I haven’t looked much.
Wildkitten
+1. They’re for comfort and fashion, like everything else.
Anon
I have had good luck with the Panache tankini tops I found at Bravissimo.com. I think I’ve bought about 5 so far. (They have tanks and bikinis as well, I just prefer tankinis.)
Allison
I’m finishing up the third week of my new job, and everything seems to be going really well. I like my position here, I’m doing what I did at my old job but I have more autonomy and flexibility and I feel like I’m doing really well so far. I even felt comfortable getting an apartment for September, and we’re (hopefully) signing the lease so I can finally move out of my parents’ house, and they’re giving me the old Honda Accord since my dad got a new car. I’m really excited (and scared) to finally be a “real” adult, all independent and (hopefully) responsible.
But because I failed so spectactularly at my old job and I’m sure most people were glad to see me go, I can’t help but feel like I don’t deserve any of this. I don’t get to be happy, I shouldn’t have any success, I feel like if they knew they’d ask “ugh, who does she think she IS?”
And I keep beating myself up for not performing up to my old company’s standards. That may be a good motivation to do well, but since I keep beating myself up for things that people around here don’t seem to care about, I’m probably gonna do more harm to myself than good and might run into the same problems. Still, I can’t shake the feeling my old boss is gonna appear next to me and ask me why I think my numbers are so low.
Allison
Ahh, mistyped something! to clarify: “and my friend and I are (hopefully) signing the lease so I can finally move out of my parents’ house, and my parents are giving me the old Honda Accord.”*
*in my family it’s sort of “tradition” to hand down old cars. I know some people might think I’m spoiled for being handed a car like that, but I’m not gonna turn it down!
Anon
Just going to reply to your last point – it is not, at all, spoiled to gracefully and gratefully accept a hand-me-down car, which is exactly what you’re doing. That’s awesome, and I’m happy for you. It is only spoiled if you (a) expect it and (b) pout if it doesn’t happen, because you felt entitled to it.
Anon
Oh, I have been there. It’s awful. Here’s what helped me. I identified all the things I didn’t do well in my last job and tried to be really objective. If I had been one of my own co-workers/supervisors, what would have made me upset? How was my work different from the people who were really successful? Then I came up with solutions. For example, I was really bad at proof-reading what I’d written. By the time I was done with it, I just wanted to be DONE with it and hated the thought of having to painstakingly proof it. So I decided that, whenever feasible, I’d set aside something I’d recently completed and do something else for at least an hour. Then I’d go back and really, really scour it. I did this with all of the issues I had listed. Identifying the problems and coming up with solutions helped me to understand why I hadn’t done so well at my last job, and feel confident that I wouldn’t be making the same mistakes at my new job.
But hang in there, it really does get better. The fear will subside as you do good work and get praise, and as day after day goes by without you getting called into anyone’s office for doing something wrong.
And congratulations!!
Allison
Thanks! I’m trying to figure out how much of it was me and how much of it was my enviroment. I’ve connected with old co-workers who left before me and we all agreed it wasn’t a good place to work. I had a bad attitude but it was largely the result of being treated like a 6 year-old with nary an explanation given as to why my manager felt the need to be up my butt all the time, or why he’d leave me out of projects and withold important information, sometimes even scolding me for asking why and not answering my question, telling me I was being paranoid.
That said, I take responsibilty for how I reacted to my environment. I should have been able grin and bear it until the people here were ready for me to start (I started talking to this place about this position before they fired me, although they never told me they knew . . .), maybe there was something I could have done to earn more inclusion in the account, maybe there was someone I could talk to better than I could talk to my manager. I could have been better about managing my anxiety too, that was a big contributing factor. There was one project that gave me really bad attacks where I’d basically stop breathing, in part because it was hard and in part because my manager had really unreasonable expectations about when certain things would be completed.
I got really mixed messages about my abilities. My manager kept *saying* “you can do this” and “I believe in you,” but at the end of the day I’d still feel like I’d never amount to anything.
Allison
Now do you see why I don’t deserve to be happy?
TCFKAG
No – I don’t see why you don’t deserve to be happy. (a) I think it sounds like you had a hard time at your last job (your first job?) and maybe you didn’t handle it perfectly; but that’s actually happened to lots and lots and lots of people in the world and if every single one of them didn’t deserve to be happy then…well…very few people would deserve to be happy.
Frankly – it sounds a bit like your anxiety issues really got in the way of your ability to cope with a less than perfect situation. You have to prepare for the reality that, though this job seems great right now, it won’t be perfect forever (no job is) so you may want to talk to your PCP or therapist (whomever treats you) about ways to cope with that either through medication or through changes in behavior or however you cope best. Perhaps adding some additional stress relief points during the day (like tea breaks or taking deep breathing breaks a couple times an hour) and then taking up something like yoga or even just light walking would help? I’ve heard great things about meditation – though I don’t do it.
But here’s the central point – you deserve to be happy. Just because your last job didn’t work out and you may have been part of the problem doesn’t mean you don’t deserve your next job to be better. Its like relationships; even if you were part of the reason your last relationship broke up (which lets be honest, we all are) doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be happy in our next one. If anything – all businesses are best served by having unhappy employees move on to places where they are happier and thus more efficient – its actually the economically more perfect end result to this whole saga.
So no – I don’t see why you don’t deserve happiness. All I see is the right progression of steps in your life. I hope you can see those too.
goldribbons
No. You deserve to be happy just like anybody else does. The fact that one particular person (out of the 7 billion on this planet) didn’t like you hardly means you don’t deserve to be happy. It sounds like you need some regular confidence-boosting, possibly something to address your anxiety. I take b-complex vitamins for anxiety and find it helps (check with your doctor about what vitamins are right for you). Good for you for finding a new job, and maybe just double-check your work? Ask for a performance review 3 months after you started? Follow up, be cheerful, read Lean In or The Defining Decade, and keep on keeping on!
Houda
You were eroded by this abrasive environment.
Same thing happened to me and I turned aggressive while my performance dropped.
I am now doing a new job (same company, different setting).
Every single day I tell myself this is too good to be true and I am not giving it my best.
But I am currently in a phase where I try to get over this impostor syndrome, otherwise, I will never move on and actually get some work done.
A couple books I found helpful:
– Nice Girls don’t get the corner office
– The Art of War for Women
I have read the first book twice at 6-months interval and use it as a compass to see my progress.
mascot
In addition to getting your anxiety under control, also read up on negativity bias. Maybe you did have a 100% bad experience, but it is also possible that you are just remembering all the bad and none of the good things that happened.
Take only the lessons from your last job that can help you in the future and just forget about the rest of it.
Alleyne
Has anyone here ever run for political office? Or considered running?
Alleyne
(post below was meant to be a follow-up… ah well.) Question inspired by this piece from Forbes: http://www.forbes.com/sites/moiraforbes/2013/06/26/hillary-clinton-why-women-have-to-dare-to-compete-in-politics/
Kanye East
No, but I ran for awesome.
And I won.
In a landslide.
TCFKAG
I for one welcome my awesomeness overlord.
Bonnie
No but my DH did. The life of a candidate sucked.
Anonymous
My dad did (local). It was great to see from that close but really challenging for him.
DC Wonkette
I’ve thought about it but would hate the fundraising part. On the other hand, achieving a high-ranking job in the executive branch… absolutely.
Anonymous
yes. i attended a candidate training by annies list, now i am on the fence, leaning no.
Houston Attny
You’re in Texas, yes?? From my understanding, Annie’s List is very helpful with getting your campaign off on the right foot, providing you the backup and support you need.
I do not know you. I do not know where you live. I have an idea of your politics because you went to an Annie’s List candidate training event.
DO IT. If you are really on the fence thinking about it, please contact someone – a city council member, a judge, a state rep – and ask if you can pick her brain. Women generally tend to work together on certain issues, and we need thoughtful listeners and brave actors. And goodness, Texas really needs long-winded speakers.
One of my favorite things about the Wendy Davis filibuster went way beyond politics. It was mothers and fathers who brought their daughters to the Capitol, who woke up their children and pointed at the Texas Tribune streaming feed of the filibuster and said, “this.”
zora
Also, I agree with this. I think it would be awesome to have more women candidates, in all parties, not just mine. Because I just hate the gender inequality in general in government, it annoys me. So, please do it! ;o)
zora
I haven’t but I have friends who have. You definitely have to be a ‘go full out 12-16 hours a day with few days off’ kind of person. But people with that kind of personality love it. I have friends who have run for local/state office and some have won, love being state reps, etc. I don’t personally know anyone who has made it to the federal level yet, but some of them definitely plan to at some point. And i have worked on and with federal level campaigns a lot, so I’ve worked with a lot of candidates.
You definitely have to be confident in your own abilities, first of all to ask for money basically for yourself, but also to do the job well if you win. I think I actually see more job satisfaction in people who are state legislators, than at the federal level. But if you think you have the personality that would enjoy working long hours and making policy changes, and then working with other people to get them behind your policy changes, you should give it a shot!! check out candidate trainings with Emily’s List, or the White House Project, etc. and maybe volunteer on a campaign, or try to connect with a local or state office holder or someone in your local or county political party who works with candidates and ask to have lunch with them to ask questions and learn more about what it’s actually like to be a candidate/elected official.
Also, I would say that you will be better at it/enjoy it more, if there is already a specific area of policy that you are really interested in and really knowledgeable about. There is a point where you really have to establish your policy priority for your campaign, and also when you are in office. And it helps if you can show excitement and knowledge about a specific issue, and explain that clearly and intelligently to other people.
If you don’t like asking for money, or don’t like shmoozing/gladhanding powerful people and people with money, it is going to be a little harder for you to enjoy the campaigning part. That said, i know some policy nerds who HATE that part of it, but are still willing to do it as well as they can, because they care enough about the work they do when they are in office. Sorry for the novel. I’m happy to talk about it more if you want to hear more. ;o)
Anonymous
I have thought about this and I think I would actually be an excellent legislator and enjoy it very much, but I would never want to run for political office. Similarly, I would never want to marry someone who wanted to run.
I hate the way our system puts politicians’ personal lives under the microscope. While I’ve tried to live a good life, there are definitely mistakes I’ve made or things I’ve done I’m not proud of. I’d hate to see those come up in a public forum as though they are relevant to the work that I would be doing (or my spouse would be doing). Basically – if it were about writing laws, talking to donors, moving legislation forward, making speeches – yeah, it’s my dream job. But since it seems to be mostly about projecting an image of perfection in order to get elected (which then opens that image up to shatter by the media or popular opinion) it seems extraordinarily awful.
zora
Awww!!! you sound like you would be an awesome legislator then!!! I really wish you would reconsider, there are definitely the horror stories, but I know many electeds (Even in national office) who really drew a hard line about what about their family and private life was open for discussion, and have been very successful in doing that, and have spouses and kids who are pretty much living normal lives with very little invasion of the political spotlight. And the electeds have succeeded in focusing on work, and have been enormously successful in moving policy, without having any personal stuff turn into media fodder. Remember, with state and local offices, there are tens of thousands of elected officials in this country, and we only have stupid media ‘scandals’ of a handful of them. I really hope you reconsider, I’d love to have you in government somewhere in this country ;o)
anon2
I ran for a local office several years ago against an incumbent and did not win. But it was an eye-opening and humbling experience. I can ask people for $$ and help for any number of causes – but it was an entirely different animal to ask them for their time and resources to help ME. I wouldn’t rule it out in the future but currently have little interest due to the constant fundraising required in almost every office save the lowest-level ones and the political climate today. That being said, if you have the desire to serve in this capacity, go for it! We need more women in public office!
SoCalAtty
I have thought about it quite a bit. I recently did my City’s leadership program, and absolutely loved it. For now, I may be putting my name in for the planning commission or maybe my local airport commission. Those are 2-4 year appointed terms, and many people in my city that are now elected officials got their start there. I think I would love being in my state legislature someday!
I love to take differing perspectives on things and try to find a reasonable compromise. I think I would be a pretty good candidate for public office, too, because other than my giant pile of student loan debt, I’m about as squeaky clean as you can get! At the point I am at in my career, however, I wouldn’t be able to spend that kind of time away.
I can see a city council run for me in about 5 years, and maybe something bigger in 10. That would put me at 42.
Alleyne
Question inspired by this piece from Forbes: http://www.forbes.com/sites/moiraforbes/2013/06/26/hillary-clinton-why-women-have-to-dare-to-compete-in-politics/
Dog Lovers - Help!
Can any of you who are dog people help my dog keep his happy home? We adopted a little 2 year old dog about a year ago. He had trouble with separation anxiety from the start, messing in the crate every time we left. We tried a lot of things that didn’t help – a thundervest, rescue remedy, DAP (pheromones), etc. Finally, after several months and some behavior modification work, he improved. I know an adjustment period isn’t unusual for a rescue dog, so we hoped we were past that. But then recently he started regressing. Nothing had changed to explain this. At this point, he’s on Prozac and still no improvement. It’s particularly frustrating because my husband works from home, so we’re only leaving him for short stretches in the evening and sometimes on weekends. That also means doggie daycare is not a solution, as they aren’t open when we’re having issues. He will mess whether we’re gone 10 minutes or several hours; he’s even done it when my husband was outside mowing the yard and was visible through the door most of the time. Neither my husband nor I are willing to spend the next 10+ years cleaning up after this dog nearly every time we leave him at home, but our kids will be crushed if we send him back. Any ideas? We’re at our wits’ end!
Lyssa
Have you thought about crating him while you’re gone? I know that it sounds kind of cruel, but a lot of dogs really get a sense of security from being crated when they’re alone. (We’ve had one dog that really did like it – she would routinely go into her crate on her own just to rest and be comforted. The second one, however, absolutely did not, though I wish we had pushed it more due to some other, long lasting, behavior problems.) You can find more information about it online.
goldribbons
Similarly, have you tried crating him when you’re home and teaching him that the crate is a safe, happy place? If it’s only used for punishment and when you’re leaving the house, it’s not surprising if he hates it. My parents had a dog when I was growing up and we crated our dog every night, all night, and she ended up loving her crate. (Also, things like putting a blanket in or over the crate can help your dog feel more secure inside, but look that stuff up because it’s been 10++ years since I lived with a dog.)
Anon
+1. We leave our dogs in their crates while we’re at work. We hired a dog trainer and she suggested a larger, all wire dog crate. It has worked wonders for our dog.
Lyssa
OK, I completely missed the part where you already said crate. And here I felt so helpful! It’s been a long week. (Goldribbons’ suggestion was good, though)
Anonymous
Since you are already crating him when you leave and he is messing in there, try crating him during the day when you *are* home, and give him rewards for being good in there. When you do go out, make sure he goes outside before you leave, and if possible don’t feed him until you return (if he’s on E to start with, that can cut the mess factor right on out).
mascot
Is he destructive or just self-soiling? Would giving him a bit more easily cleaned space help be an alternative to the crate, like a baby-gated bathroom or kitchen? Could you put puppy pads in the bigger space just in case he will use them? Is he getting plenty of mental/physical stimulation? If he is on meds, I assume the vet has given him a clean bill of health otherwise to rule out physical causes of soiling. I like Patricia McConnell’s books and website. I think she has written about separation anxiety and there may be some additional behavior modifications you can try. I’d also ask around for a behaviorist (vs. just a dog trainer) to give you some new methods
A Nonny Moose
Alternatively– is his crate too big? It should really only be big enough for him to turn around in. If it’s too big he can hide in one corner and pee in the other. You probably already know this as it seems you’ve done a lot of research but thought it was worth throwing it out there.
capnkate
Have you tried working with a trainer? I found it really helpful to go to a local, reputable obedience school. The woman we trained with had a lot of experience working with rescue dogs, and she really helped us and kept us sane as we were dealing with a very rambunctious puppy. Look for someone who uses positive reinforcement–no hitting or shock collars.
We also did crate training and I don’t regret it one bit. He’s mature enough now that we don’t need to use the crate, but he still likes it and uses it sometimes for naps, and we always feed him there.
I’ve also heard that for separation anxiety it helps to show the dog that you will always come back. Try leaving just for a minute, then coming right back inside, gradually working up to longer stretches of time. Reward with a treat when he’s calm. I’ve heard that can help.
TCFKAG
So since he’s soiling in the crate – we discussed this with our trainer when we first got our first rescue dog – and she recommended since our dog wasn’t destructive out of the crate to try not crating her. So we would trained her to sleep in the crate in the same room as us (with the door open eventually) and made it a comfy place for her where she could feel safe and put her bed in it and all – but didn’t actually crate her when we were gone – because the crate just amped up her anxiety and stress.
It has generally worked for her and her anxiety has gone way down (she’s 6 or 7 now). But she still doesn’t ever like to be closed in anywhere (like at the vets or at the groomers). Not sure if that makes sense. So I’d start by working on the crating when you’re at home – but if she really seems to hate the crate – then you might want to try not crating and instead keeping her in a room.
Also – does she seem bored in the crate? Do you leave her something to distract her? The trainer recommended freezing yogurt with a couple treats in a Kong toy as an example of something that takes a while for a dog to get through and can get them a bit more relaxed in the crate. Or a bully stick if they’re big enough/like chewing. If she’s really not reacting well to the anti-anxiety tricks – she may also be bored.
One last thing you may also already know deals with crate size. If the crate is too large for the dog – they will have more frequent accidents in the corner, since they can do it without getting themselves dirty. Though it sounds like in these cases she’s having accidents on herself. I’d start with some positive reinforcement in the crate (treats at home, treats when you leave, just chilling with her in the crate) but also maybe trying not crating her or just keeping her in the room with the crate as an experiment?
Anon
My dog is a rescue. He will pee when I leave him, whether it’s for 20 min or several hours. It’s not a matter of HAVING to pee. He hates crates and I could not get him used to it.
So he wears a doggie diaper for boy dogs (google “male wrap dogs”). I use sanitary napkins in it and wash the diaper in the washing machine. Neither of gets stressed out about the pee situation now. (I didn’t read all the comments to see if your dog is peeing or pooping).
OP
Thanks for all the great ideas! We are crating him – we’ve tried both crating and leaving him out. It made no difference, so we continue to crate because at least the mess is contained that way. It’s a large wire crate. He is not destructive now, but was in the smaller, more enclosed crate we used when we first got him. We have not tried putting him in the crate while we’re home, so we’ll try that. We always let him out before we go and he gets plenty of exercise. I talked with one trainer, but her plan involved several weeks of work (which is fine), during which we were never to leave him home alone (which is just not possible!). Maybe I should try to find a more reasonable trainer. I’ll also check out Patricia McConnell’s materials.
A Nonny Moose
Oh gosh, definitely crate him while you’re home too. Otherwise he’ll only associate the crate with you not being there.
Anonymous
Think about reaching out to a behaviorist, not just a trainer. It will be more expensive, but (IMO) they work better by really getting to the root cause of what’s upsetting the dog and deescalating them.
Anonymous
try also ian dunbar, our puppy has been effective trained through his positive reinforcement method and a consistent timer (on my phone)
OHCFO
In my past life, I was a part-time dog trainer at a place that rehabilitated “unadoptable” dogs to keep them from being euthanized. I also adopted a high-needs/high-anxiety senior dog that I spent 7 years cleaning up after and working with so I have empathy for the OMG I just cannot clean up one more dog mess conundrum.
The Patricia McConnell materials are good. And here are some other suggestions—
Seek out a behaviorist, or at least a trainer certified by the Association of Pet Dog Trainers (like the bar of dog training). Commit to spending weeks, if not months, on this. It is not an easy fix–and easy fixes usually aren’t permanent. Don’t go for aggressive/dominance-type training. Look for someone who specializes in relationship based, positive reinforcement training. You’re on a good path with the DAP, rescue remedy and Prozac. I’ve used them all and seen them work well with some dogs.
My other suggestion is the book “Ruff Love”. It is a program for basically starting from scratch with a dog with established behavior issues. It may seem a little extreme, but it does a good job of reprogramming your dog’s expectations of family time and order–and dogs crave clear direction and order from their pack. That paragraph makes it sound terrible. It is not a Cesar Milan style aggressive training regime. It does, however, include crating when you’re at home and limiting outside stimuli until your core issues are under control.
Good luck! And if you have any other questions or want to bounce any ideas off me, I’d be happy to chat via email. shoppingrobbler at gmail dot com.
Anonymous
check out dvds by ian dunbar. we treat and schedule (literally with phone alarms). our puppy is completely house broke this way.
Regressing
I think PP gave some great recommendations. Just wanted to add one point on regressing: We went to months of training with our dog when he was under a year. It seemed to stick and everything was bliss for many months. Then, one day when he was about 18 months, he started regressing – eating other dog’s poops on our walks (which he had never done as a puppy), being destructive in the house, etc. It came out of nowhere. We talked to the trainer and the vet, and both said it’s normal for dogs to regress (perhaps because of his age, not sure). They just said to be patient and keep reinforcing the training, praising when he’s doing well, etc. After about six weeks, poof! One day, everything was back to bliss.
I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t try some other strategies (esp. on making the crate a happy place – very good idea), just wanted to let you know that it will (hopefully) get better! I hope this is just a short-lived stage for you and your family!
Jennifer
Our dog has similar problems, so I’ve done a fair amount of research on this and have a couple of suggestions. There are a few really good books out there on addressing separation anxiety in dogs. I recommend “I’ll be Home Soon: How to Prevent and Treat Separation Anxiety” by Patricia B. McConnell Ph.D., which is pretty cheap on Amazon and not very long.
Our dog is incredibly attached to and submissive toward my husband, and she freaks out much more when he’s gone than when I’m gone. So I took her to obedience classes, which really helped her do a lot better with me and a lot better in general. It wasn’t any special class, just basic sit/stay/down/come/heel type stuff. But it was socializing and learning and it helped her brain a bit. We also did some of the gradual conditioning that capnkate suggests, where you start by just leaving the room for a few seconds, then slightly longer as the dog gets more calm. That really helped at first when we couldn’t even shut the door to go to the bathroom or go in the kitchen where she could see us but couldn’t get to us because she was afraid to walk on hardwood floors.
We don’t crate her because she did not respond well to any attempts to keep her in a small area. I’m guessing that her prior owner probably kept her locked up in a crate and didn’t teach her that it was a good place. But we did put a gate at the bottom of our stairs, so she’s confined to the upstairs where we don’t have as much carpet, and we put out these reusable puppy pads that you can wash. So she still has accidents sometimes, but she’s learned to go on those, which has saved our carpet.
She still takes Prozac, and she’s still kind of neurotic, but she’s definitely doing better.
One thing that might be causing some extra troubles for you is if there’s been any change in your routines or habits recently. Our dog definitely does better during the week when we follow basically the same routine every day. She does the worst when we are in and out a lot on the weekend (like running errands and stuff) or when we come home from work and then go out again.
Fiona
In addition to all the great answers above, start DVR’ing The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan on the National Geographic channel. You won’t get a lot out of a single episode, but after 4-5 episodes you’ll get the gist of what he teaches. His whole philosophy is about how to make your dog feel safe and secure and confident and he works with a lot of troubled rescue dogs.
Brant
Our dog has 99 problems. But this ain’t one…so take that into consideration. but we have close friends with a dog that had severe SA. In one case, Prozac and some positive reinforcement training worked miracles. The other friend’s may give you a heart attack…they got another dog. Once dog #2 arrived, the original smog (with the SA) did a complete 180. I would OBViOUSLY talk to your trainer and think I through first, but you may find that in your case, 2 dogs are less work than one.
Our did did have mild SA when we first got him- I always made sure to give him a long stuffed with frozen wet dog food on the way out. Kept our guy busy for at least 30 minutes and helped him associate us leaving with FOOD! We also made sure to exercise him a ton because he had a lot of pent up energy.
Those days are behind us…now we deal with territorial barking, rabbit killing, problems with strangers, ugh. At least he’s cute.
i'm like this too
I second the recommendation to get another dog. We had a rescue dog with SA and got a second dog – we joke that the second dog is really the first dog’s pet. Now when we leave, our dog is like “whatssup” rather than “OMG take me with you don’t leave me.” He is soo much more mellow and relaxed and no SA. I recommend to everyone with a SA dog to get a second dog (assuming they can handle it).
However, in my family, once you are taken into the family, there is no question of being abandoned (never mind abandoned to a painful, lonely death which is what would happen in my city if you dropped off a 2-year-old dog with issues at the animal shelter – I’m really involved with animal rescue and this is just the reality in my part of the country). So I would also encourage you to stop thinking of rehoming as an option – because its realistically not an option. But them I’m one of those people that would never let my husband idly waive the D-flag as a potential solution to our problems, so preferences may vary.
Little Red
I’ve been drooling all over those cute rash guards at JCrew this season especially the one in a Liberty print. It looks like it would be good for preventing tan lines since , being Indian, I tan at the drop of a hat. But yes, the thought of roasting in one of those under the hot sun does give me pause and keeps me from buying one for myself.
Mpls
Are they really that hot, though? I thought the fabric was wicking – and if the shirt is wet, will actually help keep you cooler.
Also – I just do not get the hub-bub for the Liberty print fabrics. If you like it, you like it, but I don’t see what makes it so much more expensive than any other tiny quilting cotton print out there.
Katherine
Seriously? Liberty’s Tana Lawn is very high quality, gorgeous cotton lawn with a beautiful light drape and sheen. The prints are ones that you absolutely do not find with other companies. It is in no way like quilting cottons.
emeralds
I’m not usually one to pay through the nose for things, but I have to say I agree with Katherine. Liberty fabrics are just a cut above. I haven’t bought any of the J. Crew ones, because poor, but my mom’s given me some of her old Liberty pieces, and they are all stunning. The fabric is incredible–soft, drapes well, and has a tasteful sheen, like Katherine said. It’s not something that would show up in a photo online, though, so unless you’ve seen them in person, I’d withhold judgment. With that said, I can see how their prints aren’t to everyone’s taste.
anon
So, my bf and I broke up a few weeks ago. My drinking habits decreased significantly during the 9 months we were dating (down to like, one beer one or two nights a week — previously I would go out most thurs/fri/sat nights and have 3-4 drinks, and sometimes have a drink with dinner on other nights). For this reason, and probably also because I haven’t been eating as much/have been working out more, my tolerance is now SUPER low. I went out last night and apparently forgot this, because I had 3 drinks and got extremely drunk. And ended up calling my ex. At an hour when he was definitely, without a doubt, asleep (he has to get up at 5am every day). Thankfully, he did not answer. Now, I am just mortified. I have no idea what I was thinking at the time or what I would have said if he answered.
So, my question… do I text him and apologize? Say nothing and pretend it never happened? He usually doesn’t sleep with his ringer on and is a sound sleeper so it probably (hopefully) did not wake him up and he probably didn’t see it till this morning. We parted on amicable terms and have had some friendly text messages since, but we’re definitely broken up and have no plans to talk/hang out/etc. So embarrassed.
goldribbons
No worries! It happens to the best of us! Maybe delete his number from your phone so it doesn’t happen again? I would vote do nothing.
Anon
Say nothing and pretend it never happened.
SF chic
Agree with this. If he ever calls back/asks, just blame it on “butt dialing”…
Anonymous
I’d let it go, and if asked, say it was a butt dial. Thank goodness you didn’t leave a message!!!!
R.S.
Agree. Do nothing and don’t apolgize. This is no big deal at all.
Jennifer
At this point, it would be weird to text him. He has no idea it was a drunk dial. For all he knows, you just accidentally dialed his number. If he ever asks, just brush it off and say you were trying to call [name of next person in your address book] and hit the wrong number. Otherwise, just maybe delete his number if you think there is a risk of this reoccurring.
Anonymous
a friend of mine once put a password protect on my ex’s number. she SWEARS up and down that she didn’t do it, but i know she did and it saved me a lot of embarrassing 2am drunk dials. she is the best.
zora
I heart this
L
That is a good friend.
M-C
I agree you should just not say anything, and claim pocket dialing if asked. But I also think you need to address the fact of getting so drunk you did something that’s humiliating the next morning.. You don’t have to take up drinking again just because you’ve broken up with the person who helped you stop. Sounds like maybe some therapy to address the causes, decide what you want to do? If nothing else, drink according to your renewed sensitivity, not to where you left off way back when.
chocochat
TJ: I’m going to a wedding in July in Kentucky. There’s no dress code, but it’s an afternoon- evening wedding at a nice historic hotel. What should I wear? I’m thinking a floral maxi dress + sandals, is that too informal?
Anne Shirley
I think that sounds too informal. I would be wearing something more cocktaily. But I also loathe maxi dresses. YMMV.
Ginjury
It depends on the fabric. If it’s cotton, probably too informal. If it’s something silkier looking, I think it would work. I would at least do wedges too. Sandals definitely seems too informal to me.
chocochat
It’s a silky maxi that looks more like a gown, and the sandals are high-heeled peep toe slingbacks. My other options are standard LBDs, or a full black gown, but I’m kinda not in love with black in the summer.
Gail the Goldfish
Most people don’t wear black to weddings in the South (at least not my part of the South, I’m assuming Kentucky is the same), at least not all black dresses (black and white floral pattern, for instance, would be fine), especially not in the summer. I think a floral maxi with high heeled sandals would be fine depending on the fabric.
Jordan
It’ll be humid so just make sure that if it is outdoors, you will be comfortable. I think the heeled sandals and dress pattern sound appropriate though.
chocochat
Thanks ladies! I’ve never been to the South, so I’m a bit clueless. I’ll try to find some c*cktail dress in colors in the next few days, but if not I’ll stay with the current option and go fancy on shoes/ makeup/ jewelry.
Happy weekend!
M-C
Even though you’ll be dressing for hot and humid, don’t overlook the cardigan/shawl for the arctic indoor a/c…
J.
7 weeks preg and first time mom. The past week I’ve felt paranoid about “keeping a secret” at work. I know it is too early to tell and always thought I would waiti as long as possible to announce anyhow…but i feel shady. Advice to talk me off the ledge?
TCFKAG
So – we’ve talked about lots of techniques here before – but I think the overarching thing is … nobody cares as much about your life as you do. So they probably won’t be studying you every move for clues that your pregnant. [Insert posts below here about the people whose work colleagues discovered their pregnancies by noticing they weren’t eating cheese or whatever.] Also cranberry juice in sprite looks a lot like an alcoholic drink.
Good luck! and Congrats!!
Anon
I think that you can tell whenever you want. If you would feel more comfortable telling now, and depending on your office/co-workers then go ahead. However, I don’t think not telling is anything to feel “shady” about. Being pregnant is an exciting thing, but also a hugely personal thing and your co-workers don’t have a right to know at this stage. There is nothing wrong with waiting to tell until you are comfortable telling. Basically, do whatever will make you feel most comfortable.
OCAssociate
If it makes you feel better, I’ve found that some work associates find it odd if you DO announce before the end of the first trimester.
AIMS
You shouldn’t tell if you don’t also feel comfortable discussing it if -g*d forbid- something went wrong. That’s basically the main reason people keep these things to themselves until it’s safer to reveal the “secret,” which is usally about 3 months in. Obviously, there are other reasons people stay mum that have to do with workflow, fear of anyone assuming you’re dropping out, etc., but assuming a supportive workplace, the fear of what could go wrong is the main thing.
If you need further talking off the ledge, a lot of people would probably think it’s odd that you’re disclosing it to them at such an early stage (not those you’re very close to, but general coworkers certainly).
Congrats on the baby.
anon
Women with prior pregnancies may notice if you start to fall asleep at your desk around 9-12 weeks. But they’ll keep quiet because they’ve been there too. Men are generally oblivious until 6-9 months or so. If your boss is cool, I’d go ahead and tell as soon as you feel comfortable. Just in case you do fall asleep at your desk.
Samantha
If you’re just getting an urge to “spill the beans” to someone, call someone who already knows (SO/mom/best friend) and chat with them about it to your heart’s content.
It’s friday, so take the weekend to really think about the implications of telling work, and if you still feel like it, then do it on Monday. If you can’t tell, I’m for waiting as long as possible because – first trimester risks, plus people make assumptions about ‘mommy tracking’.
Anonymous
How much “stuff” do you keep from past relationships? I thought about this today as I was cleaning out my car and found a birthday card from a serious ex. Do you get rid of all of it when the relationship ends? Do you have boy (or girl!) boxes a la Rory Gilmore? Are there things you save and things you toss? How long do you keep it for? Do you get rid of that stuff once you get into a new relationship?
I have what amounts to basically an “ex box” where all the things from exes end up that are meaningful – stuff like cards/letters, gifts, etc. I rarely, if ever, open the box and so I wonder if it’s even healthy to keep. When I do end up going through it (usually when I move) though, it makes me happy, not sad, to remember the good things. I set them up to get everything that reminds me out, and I sort of use it as a gauge of how “over it” I am – when I see the stuff, do I feel down again? Or am I just happy about the good things we shared, or better, don’t care at all?
Anonymous
It may seem childish, but I keep a box of cards from an ex and then other personal mementos (not related to him) at my parents. I look at it like…once every 2 years. I’m sure my parents don’t. But even though things didn’t work out I did have good memories and he was my first adult love. It doesn’t mean I’m not over him or want to be with him. It’s just like nostalgic.
TBK
I have a few items from exes. I have one especially beautiful note that an ex-boyfriend (my first real, grown-up boyfriend) wrote to me. Just because it didn’t work out between us doesn’t mean that those lovely feelings didn’t exist at the time he wrote them. And it’s not about the fact that this particular person wrote them, but that someone had these feelings about me. It’s like being able to see myself through the eyes of someone in the act of loving me, if that makes any sense. My husband is terrible at writing these kinds of things. He tells me daily he loves me, and he’s great at showing me he loves me, but he’s not terrific at putting these feelings into longform prose. So I keep the card from the ex and look at it maybe every few years, whenever I happen across that box of old letters.
goldribbons
I got rid of these things very gradually, only once I was really ready. I’m married now and have gotten rid of everything (except the jewelry, which I can’t quite figure out how I want to handle).
NOLA
FWIW, I waited until one of my local jewelry stores was having a buy-back event and I rounded up all of the gold jewelry from my ex-H (except for my wedding rings, which I thought I had lost) and traded it in for a delicate black diamond pendant that I wear regularly.
eek
I did something similar and have no regrets.
ss
Good for you !
zora
I think your way sounds ENTIRELY healthy!! If you were going to look at that box all the time just to cry, that would be unhealthy :o)
I have a few things like cards or notes, or tickets from a show or concert. I don’t have one specific place they live, but I have a few different boxes I keep random things in, and they are scattered around those. I see them sometimes when I am going through boxes, or cleaning or moving, and have various reactions.
I know from helping my parents go through some things lately, that when you are old and grey, it makes for really great memories and stories to tell your kids someday, so I am in favor of keeping at least a few things, and like you said, remembering the good times. You will be glad you have mementos, pictures, things like that when you are older. ;o)
TO Lawyer
I have a box where I keep old cards/notes from everyone, including exes but only go through it when I’m feeling particularly sentimental or if I’m cleaning out stuff/moving. As for jewelry from exes, I still keep and wear most of it but I’m not an overly sentimental person so I don’t necessarily think of the guy who bought it for me when I wear it.
However, I will admit I was holding on to some stuff from an old ex and felt guilty throwing it out, although I had no feelings for him.
Anon
I keep pictures, but momentoes I’ve tossed. My ex dumped me and I immediately threw out everything he had given me that had some kind of personal meaning – I threw out card, but not stuff like vases that I had gotten flowers in. I also have some old jewelry from an ex – I got rid of the junk things and kept the stuff I like.
TBK
Interesting article in The Atlantic on the need for support for working families (not just working mothers but for both parents): http://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/the-masculine-mystique/309401/
goldribbons
My first thought was: ugh a man wrote this. By the end I was thinking: hey he’s not wrong. Thanks for the article.
emeralds
+1
eeyore
Funny story — I’ve gradually given up caffiene (starting about 2 months ago) at my doctor’s advice, but today was just dragging so I had a small cup of office coffee. Now I am bouncing off the walls and practically shaking! I can’t believe such a small amount affects me so much!
BMBG
Same here (cut almost all caffeine, minus what’s in chocolate or the occassional cup of decaf/soda). Two weeks ago Starbucks accidentally gave me a regular iced coffee instead of decaf and I nearly left a hole in the ceiling of my office. Not to mention was sick to my stomach for the next few days. It’s truly incredible.
M-C
That’s why you have to quit your addictions once in a while, so you find out how much they really affect you :-). That said, that’s why I rarely even get decaf, because when they forget and give me the real stuff I suffer too much. And let’s not mention the study I saw where they forgot something like half the time on average..
Calibrachoa
Nick Cave touched me.
Roll on weekend….
zora
Nick Cave touched me.
Roll on weekend….
Calibrachoa
:D Well, the short version is.. he played a festival around here. I was right at the very front and to my eternal delight he came to my part of the crowd during the last song. I got picked for manhandling nad got grabbed by the hair and serenaded *swoon*
tbh there is abit more to all of it but I don’t want to sound delusional all over the place :P
SoCalAtty
Horse dilemma update: yes I’m selling her…going to take a year off of big competitions / AA showing and just…not spend money. I have a friend who recently picked up another competitive riding discipline, and she’s offered to let me ride one of hers for free whenever I want (since then she doesn’t have too and she gets a free groom and stall muck when I do!). So we’ll see.
I’m sure I won’t die, but the mare and I went for this lovely early morning gallop and then had an AMAZING jumping session…ugh. But she is going to make another human very happy! I’ll enjoy her until she sells, and then take a break and pick it back up again. Realistically, if I’m serious about competing in this discipline long term, I need to pay off my debt, max out my retirement, and save up some SERIOUS money to buy something fancy enough to win.
Once the debt is paid off, which will be about 6 months after she sells, husband and I are going to treat ourselves to some crazy vacation, maybe involving riding, maybe on one of those inn-to-inn rides in Ireland…
goldribbons
It’s really smart of you to get your finances in order, so good job!! Take care of yourself, allow yourself to be sad about this, but view it as just another step in the right direction — like high school graduation, or a friend moving away, or something.
Mary Ann Singleton
Smart, but difficult decision. My horse passed away recently and I’m planning to buy another one at the end of the summer. I just can’t be without one. However, if I found a good horse to share, I would probably do that for a while instead to stop the incessant money drain…
A Nonny Moose
Hugs. You made the right decision, though!
L
So hard, but I’m glad you’ve finally come to a decision that is right for you guys. Don’t give up riding!! I got on today after like 8 months (crazy horse is sound again, yay!) and it was awesome. Definitely take a riding vacation; it will rock your world.
Bailey270
Law/Job Advice question, if anyone has any thoughts:
I’m a 5th Year Litigation Associate in BigLaw. I don’t want to make partner here, though day-to-day I’m fairly happy. I’ve been thinking about my next move for a year or so now, and ideally, I’d like to go in-house, perhaps with a shift to a mix of litigation and compliance or some transactional work. I’ve been looking consistently but in-house jobs for people without much of a transactional background are not common, and the ones that I see generally want someone with 7-10 years of experience or with previous in-house experience.
I recently went on an interview for an in-house litigation job at a bank. I thought the interview went well and I’ve been invited back for a second round. Of course, I haven’t been offered the job at all, but I’m not sure what I’d do if I were. While in-house, all indications is that it is busy (not law firm hours, but heavy hours for in-house). Additionally, they want a litigator, so it doesn’t seem likely that I’d have exposure to (or time to get the exposure to) transactional or compliance work.
I can see myself happily staying at my firm for another year or two. But since these jobs are rare, and since it seems that in-house doors might open up to someone who has some in-house experience, would it make sense to take the job if it were offered, even if it isn’t exactly what I’m looking for. (I’ve applied for several other in-house positions, with one interview but no offer, and no other responses.)
Any advice would be appreciated.
ML
I can’t offer you much advice since I’m less senior than you, but I’m also a litigator, also fairly happy but want to leave to go in house and discouraged by my lack of transactional skills. In your place, I’d take the job (provided $$, location, company culture etc were good). From my very limited experience trying to transition, seems like once you get SOME in house experience (even if limited to litigation) you may be more marketable generally as an in house atty. Also, like you said, maybe opportunities will open up in the new company to get your feet wet with compliance work (can you feel this out before you accept?)
My .02 for what its worth- let us know what you decide, I would be very curious!
Veronique
I would also advise you to take the job, especially if it’s with a major, name brand type bank. I’ve only worked in-house and am currently considering my next move. Working in-house at a major corporation is very attractive to recruiters and hiring managers. Once you’ve been vetted as “in-house worthy” by another company, especially a “peer” company, you’ve potentially removed a huge obstacle in the in-house vetting process. You’re only a 5th year, so you still have a loooong career ahead of you. View this job as a stepping stone to a combined litigation/transactional role, then eventually transactional role (if that’s what you desire). I know all sorts of in-house attorneys who have litigation backgrounds, including corporate secretaries and general counsels of major corporations.
Plan B
This. You should also consider that, depending on the size of the bank’s law department, you may be able to get additional transactional/compliance experience by moving into another role in the department after a period of time in the litigation job. At that point, they will already know you and the quality of your work, and it would be easier for them to see you in a different role than someone with the same background that they don’t know. And I know you said it looks like the job will be busy and you won’t have time to get exposure to transactional or compliance matters, but you never know. Volunteer for projects involving the things that interest you. Good luck!
Anon
I’m freaking out right now and feel very alone. Slept with a guy I’ve been in an on and off relationship with. About a week later I find a red bump that I thought was maybe an ingrown hair and my doctor told me it was probably nothing unless it came back in the same spot. But a week has passed and I found another two bumps and then another today. I can’t just tell myself it’s irritation anymore & think it must be h*rpes (don’t want this searchable, even though I’m anon – I’m being a baby, I know).
I am going to try to get it checked out next week, but I’m despairing right now. I know stuff like this has been discussed here before and this is all nothing new, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so careful with stuff like this, we used a condom, I don’t sleep around…even though I know that doesn’t prevent this from happening. I’m single and want to get married and just don’t see how I will be able to date and meet someone now. I can’t imagine disclosing something like this to someone (of course I would disclose, but I feel like it would stop me from dating at all). I fear being rejected, and to be honest, if someone told me they had it I would probably not sleep with him. I wouldn’t want to make him feel bad, but I’d also feel like it’s not worth the risk of contracting something that has such a huge stigma unless I knew I’d marry him. And now I probably have it and guys will feel the same about me…
goldribbons
A while back, another poster posted that a similar thing happened to her, and she ended up having herpes. The good news is that it’s treatable and contracting an illness is never your fault. I’ll post the link to the thread in a reply (since it’ll likely get stuck in moderation). In any event, big hugs to you. You’ll be totally okay.
goldribbons
Obviously swap the ** with two T’s
http://corpore**e.com/2012/10/18/michael-michael-kors-split-strap-shift-dress/
Matilda
You didn’t ask for advice and I don’t really have any to give, but I do have lots of internet hugs. Take care of yourself, and hang in there. And also hugs.
Anonymous
This is not going to be the end of your life.
I know that’s hard to internalize right now, but it’s true. H*rpes is a treatable skin condition and if you have it, you will be okay. You really, really, really will. It must feel like everything is crumbling around you – but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You can still live the life you dream of, even with a h*rpes diagnosis.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s scary and it must feel shameful. There are other things it could be, besides h*rpes – but I want to reassure you, even if it is h*rpes, *it will be okay.* You will be okay.
anon
Listen to this:
http://www.savagelovecast.com/episodes/195#.Uc4grju-ocU
I’m sorry you’re going through this!
zora
Ugh, I am SO SORRY. This is so hard, and this particular place where you are with having a suspicion, but not having a medical confirmation is totally the hardest place to be in. It’s the not-knowing and the worst-case-scenario imagining that makes it especially horrible. I have been exactly where you are right now, but it was about HPV and I totally went through the whole despair cycle. It is horrible, and there is nothing I can do to make you feel better at the moment. But know that you are NOT alone, and you are not the only person who has ever been in this place, and things CAN get better. I know it’s hard to imagine right now, but they really can. I know how scared and angry and upset you are right now. It is totally understandable! I think everyone above has given great advice, as well, and I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and that other people have been exactly where you are.
I think the only advice that I can give for right now is to try to take some breaths when you feel yourself really spiraling, and try to find ways to distract yourself at least for little amounts of time until you have gotten a chance to see the doctor, get a confirmation of what is going on, and talk about a treatment plan, if needed. Lots of TV and movies helped me distract myself when I was about to really lose it.
Other advice: when you do talk to your doctor, if you do NOT feel like your doctor is taking your fears seriously and helping you to calm down, get a new doctor immediately. I stuck it out with a meh doctor for way too long, and once I finally talked to a good doctor, she had me off the ledge within like 20 minutes. So, do not be afraid to keep looking and seek out a doctor that actuallly helps you feel better emotionally and intellectually, no matter what the diagnosis is. That made such a huge difference for me.
Ok, this is long, but loootss of internet hugs. And come here whenever you are freaking or need to vent, we are here. I am happy to just validate your feelings, or send internet hugs whenever you need them. I hope things work out for the best soon.
OP
Thank you all – I remember seeing that earlier post before, so I knew there were very supportive, kind people here, but I also felt a little silly re-posting something so similar. But I just needed to get it out. I feel like if I were married already this would suck but it ultimately wouldn’t be a huge deal. But I am a somewhat shy person and imagining disclosing this makes me want to cry (some more). It’s not going to make you infertile or kill you, what I have right now isn’t painful and I know lots of people don’t know they have it because they’re asymptomatic or don’t even realize it.
I know I don’t know for sure yet, but I don’t see what else it could be and don’t want to get my hopes up like I had initially. I’m feeling so selfish right now, too, because I almost wish if I do have the virus, that I could just never have any symptoms and not know. SO selfish, right? I don’t want to spread something unknowingly, but if I never knew, I wouldn’t have to deal with stigma/disclosure.
Again, thank you; I wish I could talk to you all in person.
Anonymous
OMFG. I was just halfway through completing all my student loan application stuff for grad school, when the website kicked me off for “Extended system maintenance” which will run until this Sunday. No warning or opportunity to save. Ugh. Gr. Argh.
Anonymous
Oh, no! :( :( How annoying!
Muddy Buddy
Sad to be at work on a Friday night. At least I’m in jeans and a comfy t-shirt.
Margaret
Is anyone on here familiar with the DiViene jewelry website? I found some jewelry I really like at Gemvara (thanks to previous recommendations on this site), and came across DiViene when comparison shopping. The prices seem too good to be true, and I’m wondering how they do that.
For example, here is a $977 eternity band in 14k w/ amethyst and diamonds at Gemvara: http://www.gemvara.com/jewelry/heartbeat-band/14k-yellow-gold-ring-with-amethyst-diamond/1p9q
And here is a similar ring at DiViene:
http://www.diviene.com/103132ame-yg-amethyst-eternity-ring-14k-gold.html
Any thoughts?
M-C
Without even looking at either, I’d say if something sounds too good to be true it usually is.
Amelia Pond
I know it’s late but I thought I’d see if anyone is still reading.
I am currently interning in criminal law after my 1l year and have decided that it is not the field I want to pursue. I really enjoyed contracts and property and am wondering if I might be more interested in transactional work. Of course, I have no idea if I would actually like transactional work so I am interested in doing some informational interviews but I am not really sure what questions I should be asking. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time so I haven’t sought out interviews yet because I’m not really sure what I should be asking.
Any tips on what questions I should be asking to figure out if I am interested in transactional work? I am dreading getting that question at interviews and not having a good answer to transactional versus litigation. If you were in my place, what questions do you think you should have asked in order to make figure transactional versus litigation?
mascot
You can always ask people what a typical day is like, what they like best about their jobs, what they like the least. Also identify what you don’t like about criminal. Do you not like the subject matter, but enjoy the research/writing and court appearances? If you spent your days doing the same thing with a subject matter you liked, would that be different? Say litigating over a breach of contract. Learn about different transactions (mergers and acquisitions is a different beast than IT or estate work). Learn about regulatory work (which can be a hybrid) for a couple of industries that interest you.
Muddy Buddy
Specific questions I’d ask:
What types of things do you do each day?
What kinds of matters do you handle? What areas of law are implicated in those matters?
Did you like property and contracts in school?
What are your clients like? How do you get them?
Things for you to think about that can be used to formulate questions:
Can you articulate what you don’t like about criminal law? Is it the idea of appearing in court? Is it the clients? Is it the actual subject matter?
Similarly, can you articulate what you like about property and contracts? Detailed nature of the subjects? Easements are fascinating? The idea of having business clients?
If you can put those thoughts into words, you can ask more targeted questions. For example, if you liked the detailed nature of property, you can ask how detailed/big picture the work is.
Wildkitten
The purpose of your 1L internship is to have something to discuss with BigLaw during OCI, not to marry a practice area. If you have the ability to choose which firm to summer at, you might prioritize firms that allow you to do rotations with different practices. Wanting to do transactional work and not litigation is totally normal and I don’t think it really requires an explanation, but i’m sure some r e t t e s who know more about it can tell you. IMHO you are stressing out more than you need to be (which is how we all are on this site, so you’re in good company).
Bee
Several weeks (months) ago, someone on this site linked to an online only store that had reliably sources professional basics (eg, tanks and tees). I loved the items but now that I want to buy something, I can’t find the link or the store name. Any ideas? Thanks in advance!
mome
Is it Everlane? If so I can wholeheartedly recommend the tees.
BB
Wow, I just looked at the Everlane site (lazily browsing on a Sunday evening), and I LOVE this stuff! Glad you mentioned it!
NOLA
Any thoughts about what to take to a July 4th party? I think finger food would be best. I don’t think they plan on serving a meal (it’s in the afternoon). But there will be drinking so I’d like to take some food and I’d like to make some things if I can (these folks appreciate my cooking). I’m thinking deviled eggs and maybe one other thing?
emeralds
Deviled eggs are great for stuff like that. If you want to stay with the Americana theme, what about finger-food-sized ham biscuits? I also love taking (homemade) guacamole and chips. It’s pretty basic, but everyone likes it. I’ll be watching responses here because I’m also going to a July 4th party, at a house where I just brought guac and chips as my contribution last night, so I feel like I need to get a little more creative.
Sydney Bristow
I typically go with 7-layer dip and a bag of chips, but homemade guacamole sounds awesome too. It’s not finger food, but I always make flag cake for the 4th (chocolate sheet cake with either vanilla frosting or whipped cream and decorated with blueberries and strawberries to look like the American flag).
Lilly
Deviled egg and pickled okra plate. Or some of those spicy pickled green beans. Basically, my suggestion is go to Dorignacs and buy any of the spicy pickled stuff in a jar and make up a plate with the devolved eggs.
NOLA
Ha ha – how did you know that I shop at Dorignac’s? I gave it some more thought and I think I just forgot what I’ve made for parties in the past. I’ll probably make crawfish mousse. It’s yummy and really fresh tasting. A recipe from How to Eat like a Southern and Live to Tell the Tale.
Lilly
Crawfish mousse sounds wonderful!
I envy your access to Dorignac’s. We go to New Orleans every summer, but this summer will be the first time in several years that it will be a car trip. I see a side trip to the grocery store on the way out of town.
NOLA
Awesome! Dorignac’s had Louisiana crawfish on sale this week so I may have to run back out there. Bring a cooler – their sausage (hot and Italian and green onion) is incredible. It’s one of the few places where you know your checker and the butcher knows what you want when you walk up to the counter.
Gail the Goldfish
Stuffed cherry tomatoes and deviled eggs. I made these for the last party I had an they were amazing. Kind of pain to scoop out a bunch of cherry tomatoes, but worth it:
http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/stuffed-cherry-tomatoes-10000001578337/
Anonymous
I’ve been using Nair on my bikini line for the past year or so. It works fine – I have had laser treatments in the past but can’t afford to keep up with it. I’m almost done with the current bottle and wondering if I should switch. FWIW, this only for tidying up the outer edges of the garden. Does anyone have any drugstore products they recommend?
In house lobbyist
I like Veet better than Nair. I usually buy it on Amazon but it available almost everywhere.
Jules
Ok ladies – shopping challenge. I have to go to a bbq at one of the partner’s homes towards the end of the summer. I can’t find anything to wear. Typically I would do a sun dress but I’m having a hard time finding one that’s casual but not too short or too low cut, etc. I would also be open to something like a cropped pant and a cute top but I’m finding this challenging too. Any suggestions?
NOLA
This has become one of my favorite summer dresses: http://www.soma.com/store/browse/product.jsp?maxRec=45&pageId=1&productId=570078316&viewAll=&prd=Twist+Strap+Dress&subCatId=cat7299287&color=&fromSearch=&inSeam=&posId=12&catId=cat5039300&cat=Clothing+Dresses&onSale=&colorFamily=&maxPg=3&size=
I thought my bra straps would show with the twisted straps but they don’t. It’s not too short or low cut. And it looks great with a turquoise linen cardigan.
I'm Just Me
Pretty.
Bonnie
I have and live this dress: http://m.oldnavy.gap.com/product.html?dn=op387521012&dv=0&shopid=1&pdn=oc15292
I got it in a tall and it covers everything and is just above the knee.
Bonnie
Ugh. Love.
Apple Pie
I’ve been on a Chambray kick lately and am lusting after this dress http://www.eshakti.com/Product/CL0027111/Amelia-dress
Apple Pie
And this one. http://www.eshakti.com/Product/CL0027918/Pleat-neck-chambray-dress They’re both somewhat customizable for the amount of skin you’re comfortable showing (length, sleeves, even the neckline of this second one can be changed).
Miss Behaved
I have this one in both the melon and the black:
http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=91340&vid=1&pid=374135062
westcoaster
Is it ridiculous to have work/life balance issues when you’re single?
I really, really, really love my job. It’s the most inspiring and engaging position I’ve had yet. I get to work with highly intelligent people that are all experts in their fields. But I cannot for the life of me figure out how to do my laundry or clean my apartment or see my friends, at all.
And yes, I’m a recent grad!!
Divaliscious11
No, its not silly, but its easiest to fix when its just you. Outsource the laundry and cleaning – if its just you and you’re at work all the time, you probably don’t need extensive cleaning services. Calendar you time for your friends, and some exercise.
Kate
Second this. I’m a third year attorney and have struggled with trying to get everything done around my apartment and make my hours AND get to see friends and date and have a life. It’s hard even when you’re single. In some ways, I think being single is harder than being coupled/married (without kids), because you have to push yourself to go out and meet people, go on dates, etc. if you have free time, and don’t get to do any of that if you’re working till all hours. Whereas someone in a relationship can come home at midnight to a bed that’s not empty, or stay in on a night when they’re exhausted and not be alone. And you have no one else to help clean/run errands/take care of things.
This week, I hired someone to clean my apartment for the first time ever. I always felt silly with the idea of it because I live alone and have a small place, but it make SUCH a big difference and in the big scheme of things was not that expensive. I’m now sitting in a gorgeous apartment and am about to go out and play in the park on a sunny Saturday when I don’t have to clean. Totally worth it. When you’re working hard and single you have to be your own support system. Be good to yourself.
M-C
I’d also like to point out that it helps to live in a smallish place. And make sure you don’t have too much stuff in it. Helps whether you’re cleaning it yourself or not :-).
phillygirlruns
i struggled with the same issues when i was married – we had dogs, but that was it. and between two of us we still couldn’t seem to keep that stuff together. it was a really tough decision but when i finally hired a cleaning service – WHAT A RELIEF. i’m now single with no pets and i still have my cleaning service – i would get rid of an awful lot of other expenses before i’d cut that one out. it saves a bunch of time, yes – but it also helps mentally to have a generally clean house and to come home to a REALLY clean house once every other week.
DC Wonkette
Absolutely not but totally sympathize with feeling like that! I recommend starting by picking one night a week as designated for hanging with friends and treat it the same way others treat a “can’t miss kid’s baseball game.” Otherwise I found myself making up excuses that I had to work instead of making it a priority.
Houda
I agree with Divaliscious. It does happen but it is easier to find solutions.
You should try to outsource anything that you can.
Also let people around you know that you are making a point in meeting them but you are on a tight schedule, so they respect your time and are OK with meeting you for a 1 hour afterwork rather than say a 3 hour brunch
Neurotic Nelly
A clothing care question: I have a lot of polyester-blend and cotton knit dresses that could go in the washer. Will they live longer if I send them to the dry cleaner? I’d rather shell out for the cleaning if it means the clothes will stay nicer. On the other hand, I often feel paranoid that the dry cleaner shrinks things.
NYNY
I’m more neurotic about avoiding dry cleaning solvents than I am about ruining clothes by washing them. That being said, I have several knit dresses which I wear to work and I always put them in the washer. I turn them inside out first, and run them through the delicate cycle with a less-than-manufacturer’s-advised amount of dye-free, scent-free detergent. I also dry them on a rack, because I think the worst clothing damage happens in the dryer. Two of my regular rotation dresses are over four years old and still look crisp with this treatment.
Neurotic Nelly
Great tip about the delicate cycle and detergent — thanks!
M-C
If you have room, I’ve also found out that drying naturally (no dryer heat and abrasion) makes your clothes last a lot longer.
Anonymous
Have you ever been stood up? What excuse would you accept? Would your answer change for a first date? Second? Someone you’ve been dating for a while?
Dulcinea
I have been, and I think I would accept any excuse that seemed truthful as long as it was accompanied by a very sincere apology. So whether someone (a) just forgot about the date or (b) experienced some ridiculous series of events where they somehow were stranded somewhere without a phone (maybe they locked both their keys and phone in the car/office, and had to walk 2 miles to find a payphone and call AAA, but of course their AAA card was also locked in the car, so there’s a whole rigamarole about that, and they had to wait a couple hours for the locksmith, and by then their phone was dead and of course today is the day they loaned the car charger to a friend because they thought they were going right home…um. these things happen), if they are truly sorry and apologize when they finally do realize they stood me up, then I would forgive them, regardless of whether it was the first date and 10th or whatever.
Now if you are talking about someone calling and canceling at the last minute rather than just not showing up, that’s a little different…But I guess as long as they are sincerely apologetic about canceling and also immediately propose to reschedule, most excuses would be ok if I believed it was something genuinely important to them.
All of that said, a pattern of flakiness would be a serious concern and the less time you’ve known someone the easier it is for just a few instances to equal a pattern.
Dulcinea
Ugh, I wrote you a long reply but it disappeared. This has been happening a lot lately to me. Kat, can you look into it?
Anyway…yes, I have been stood up, in the “no call, no show” sense. I believe that as long as the person is truly apologetic and seems to be truthful about the reason, I would forgive virtually any excuse, from “just plain forgot” to “series of absurd events starting with locking my keys & phone in the car and ending with a trip to the ER”
If you are talking about someone who cancels at the last minute, I think the excuse has to meet a higher bar but it’s hard to draw a line when there are endless possibilities for what it could be. I will say again, a sincere apology makes a big difference here and also that in this situation the key is that the cancelation is accompanied by a request to reschedule.
Dulcinea
Ugh, I wrote you a long reply but it disappeared. Then I wrote you another one and it disappeared but I copied it before posting…and now it won’t let me post it because it’s a “duplicate comment”. This has been happening a lot lately to me. Kat, can you look into it?
Anyway the bottom line is I would forgive almost anything as long as the person seemed to be truthful about the excuse and sincere in their apology, and proactively trying to reschedule. The less time I have known them, though, the more likely I am to interpret canceling/standing up as a sign of flakiness or disinterest. And if it becomes a pattern, the less likely I am to believe they are being truthful/sincere.
NOLA
Dulcinea, you may have figured this out already but your posts aren’t disappearing. They just aren’t displaying for you right after you post them. Click refresh a couple of times or go back to the home page and come back and refresh and they’ll show. Annoying but it works.
Anonymous
Thanks! I actually didn’t figure it out, I just gave up and didn’t come back until now. Thanks for the tip! I’m embarrassed I didn’t think of it, I am usually reasonably tech literate…but I guess I thought the page automatically refreshed when you commented? Anyway, good to know fo the future.
Heather
I posted this question a few days ago and got a few responses, but it was late in posting.
I’m in need of long distance dating relationship advice! I went on a great first date with a guy who lives 7 hours away. We were set up by a mutual friend of ours, and we had a really great time. Since then, we’ve talked via texting or phone calls nearly everyday and he’s invited me to visit him. Is it crazy to drive 7 hours to visit someone I’ve met once? FWIW, his family lives near where I do, so it’s more practical for him to visit here. Does anyone have any great tips for growing our relationship even though we’ve seen each other once and likely won’t see each other often? Thank you!!
Alice
I have experience with long distance, but not with long distance at the beginning of a relationship (so I don’t have tips on growing long distance relationships).
But I do want to say that I don’t think it’s crazy to drive 7 hours to visit, though hopefully he can visit you another time since his family is nearby. If you don’t mind going, and you both want to see each other, you should do it! NOT CRAZY.
SC
I don’t think it’s crazy. But I love road trips, and driving 7 hours doesn’t bother me at all.
Do you have any friends or family in his city, or any professional or other reasons to be there? Even if you’re really making the trip to see him, splitting your time a bit might put less pressure on both of you.
If you have reservations about it, is there someplace nice/fun for you two to meet in the middle? If so, you could arrive around noon, spend the whole day together, drive back late. That would mean equal investment of time and effort on both parts, only one day away from home for you, and maybe a more traditional second date (in terms of time spent). Obviously, if the only thing between your two cities is a rest stop, this is probably a terrible idea.
And second Alice’s post – there should probably be some balance between who’s making the effort to visit. Don’t assume, though, that it’s easier or more practical for him to visit you because his family lives in your city – sometimes family complicates things x100.
Sydney Bristow
A close friend of mine met someone at an airport bar while on her way to a work conference. It turned out the guy also worked for her company (huge nationwide company without real workplace dating concerns). They hit it off right away but then didn’t see each other again until he sent her an email inviting her to visit him for the weekend in another state (2-3 hour flight). She expressed the same concerns as you, but ultimately said she felt something was there. They started alternating flights back and forth about once a month. I did a lot of airport drop offs for awhile! After about a year of that, she moved to his state and they got married and have kids now.
If you think there is something there, its worth it to give it a sho and not crazy to drive that far. My friend told me once that she loved that they switched off visiting because they each got to know each other in their own environments and it felt like neither one was putting in more effort than the other. So I say go for it!
Michelle Belle
Not crazy! I met my bf when he was visiting a mutual friend in town, and he was living a similar distance away. I visited him in his city a month or two later, then we eventually settled on a pattern of visiting each other every two weeks (aka we each visited the other once every month, kept it affordable). We were able to fly instead of driving, which helped with scheduling but was more expensive. We dating long-distance for a year and a half, and then he moved to my city last year. We’re moving in together next month.
Texting and calls are great, so is Skype and neat apps like Pair or Avocado. I did my best to keep him in my “first circle” for news / thoughts about my day, but because if he’s the 10th person you tell that story to, you won’t go into as much detail or want to talk about it as much. At the same time, staying busy with activities [that keep you away from your phone] is important — it’s paradoxical and frustrating to miss someone so much even when you have 24/7 access to them, so making sure you’re DOING things can both give you more to talk about and prevent picking fights just because you’re sad.
Give it a go! And ignore people who say things like “most long distance relationships don’t work out.” I mean, it’s true — because most RELATIONSHIPS don’t work out! (I mean that to be a postive, honest!) Most things don’t work out, and that’s fine, because that’s what dating is about; distance is a complicating factor, but so are a million other things. :) Good luck, and have fun!
Anon
I’m moving to NYC (somewhat unexpectedly) in mid-August from another East Coast city. My July is jam-packed and I’m concerned about my ability to get down to NY to dedicate time to apartment hunting. I know this is a long shot, but can anybody recommend a trustworthy broker who could work with a long distance client? I’m looking for a studio / one bed around the Upper West Side / West Harlem for $2,000 or under if possible.
Also, if I’m just asking to be scammed by an unscrupulous broker and really need to go to the city for a couple days, I can accept it. I’m just hoping there’s a way around it.
NYNY
I don’t have a broker rec for you, but you can start by going through the online listings on the NY Times website. If you use Craigslist, you’re asking to be scammed, but the Times listings are all placed by reputable brokers.
Honestly, though, I would still want to see the place before signing a lease. I’ve been in NYC for over 20 years, and lived in 6 apartments in that time. Each time I hunted, there were things about each apartment which wouldn’t have been apparent from a listing. Obviously, many of my apartments were leased in the pre-internet age, but even online listings don’t show you the view of the neighbor’s shower through your living room window, or the fire station one block away (sirens), or the surly teenagers who hang out in front of your front door. I would use the broker to narrow down possibilities, and come to the city for a few days to look at the finalists.
Good luck!
A
I think it’s pretty risky that you’ll have something weird or gross in your apartment (like a plastic sheet for a wall, or a hole in the floor – all things I’ve seen in apartments shown by solid brokers). I’ve only heard of people doing this through corporate relocation services, and then I think you’re on solid footing. Are you relocating for a job that can provide a relocation service? If not can you spare one weekend and jam pack it with apt. searching? Or, sublet for a month while you get your footing?
MissK
I have a fabulous broker but would still hesitate to take a place sight unseen. (email me directly if you want the name as he does referrals only now).
Your price range is a bit low but doable, but may require some time.
the nice thing about NYC is that you can get an apt right away so you don’t * have * to do your search in july and can do it in early Aug for mid Aug.
basil
Too late to ask on the Friday thread, but I LOVE the silk Talbots tanktop that Kat posted. Ideas on talbots sizing? I am narrow-shouldered, between a petite and a regular. I wear a size 4P or 2R in J Crew jackets, either a S or XS in gap tshirts. Looks like a great basic top I’d buy/ wear in a lot of colors.
Moissanite Questions
Hopefully it’s not too late in the weekend for this!
I know there have been some discussions here about moissanite jewelry. I’m looking at a piece online from Moissanite Co. Has anyone ordered from them before and were you happy with them and your purchase? I’m a bit nervous about ordering a high price item from a company I haven’t really heard of that doesn’t have any brick and mortar locations.
Also, I’m looking at a big stone. Is it worth it to get the Forever Brilliant treatment?
Anything else I should know or consider?
Moissanite Questions
The website is moissaniteco.com. I was also looking at moissanite.com but they didn’t really have what I was looking for.
mintberrycrunch
It might be too late in the weekend for this, but I’m wondering how you all keep up with your professional networks. Does anyone have a system that they use to keep track of contact info., where people work, what they do, etc.? An old school address book? LinkedIn? Filed emails? And then once you are keeping track of everyone, how do you make sure to keep those connections fresh? How often should you be trying to touch base with people?
Life Ins Qs
I know this is late in the weekend, but I would love any responses (and may repost Monday). For silly reasons, this is somewhat urgent.
For those of you with term life outside of that provided by work, how did you get it? Is there some neutral website that compares rates? (When I google, I get a lot of things that look like they are sponsored by insurance cos. i.e. not unbiased comprehensive rate calculators.) If you used an insurance salesperson, how did you find out who provides unbiased information / best rates for you?
And if your employer provides LTD, do you need to buy a policy beyond that?
TIA so very very much.
Allison
Hope I’m not too late to get some answers on this! At my new workplace there’s no dress code that I’m aware of, and while professional attire is definitely present, most women wear sleeveless tops, peep-toe shos, even flip-flops, and dresses that don’t quite make it to the knee. is it okay for me to wear stuff like that too or should I sort of “rise above” that and dress more conservatively since I’m still new?
emeralds
I think you need to dress appropriately for your office. I’m not saying you should wear flip-flops and miniskirts every day, if that’s not you thing, but I think it’s important for a new hire to show that she understands the workplace culture. I’m currently in a similar situation, actually, so I’ve given it some thought. I just started at a new office, and everyone dresses much, much more casually than I dressed in my former workplace. I think I’ve managed to strike a balance by dressing in my old conservative clothes–e.g., a shift dress with a cardigan, or a shell with a skirt–but with more casual accessories, like a nice pair of flat sandals or espadrilles (I only roll with the flip-flops on even-more-casual Fridays) or an unusual scarf.