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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 397 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Comments

  1. First Trimester?

    Hi – I have seen a few other r e t t es announce recently that they are fairly early in their first trimester. I am 6 weeks and thinking it would be great to connect by email and have a support group of ladies in a similar position to go through the journey together. My email address is linked above – email me if you’re interested.

  2. Calibrachoa

    So I found out via facebook that the ex who broke up with me because he “couldn’t commit” after he had been sooooourt by his exes has had a new girlfriend for the past 3 weeks at least. Didn’t bother telling me when I spoke to him face to face last, but was telling other people.

    I am considering burning that bridge down SO hard they’ll know in Rohan that Gondor calls for aid, but I am worried about some adjacent bridges :/ I have the perfect weapon in form of my own less than stellar actions during our relationship, but I know that if I hit him with it there will be other people I lose that I’d rather keep.. except I don’t know if they are worth keeping id I could get my own back at him.

    • DC Summer

      No advice, but “I am considering burning that bridge down SO hard they’ll know in Rohan that Gondor calls for aid” made me laugh my a$$ off.

        • zora

          No, you’re first instinct was right on. You win my vote for comment of the day! ;o)

          And {{{Internet Hugs}}} because that dude really sucks :o(

          • Calibrachoa

            thaks *hugsback*

            yeah he really does. thus, my urge to get seriously even…

    • Anon

      I have a friend who went through a similar breakup and found out via fb that her ex had had a baby with his gf before my friend. He didn’t know until they were in the relationship, but he had a relationship with the baby mama while still with my friend/not telling her. He didn’t tell her during or after the breakup (because he wasn’t ready for any commitment or anything tying him down). (Since she found out, they stopped speaking.)

      My point is that, sadly, this kind of thing isn’t uncommon. Fb makes it too easy to find out what jerks exes are!

      • Calibrachoa

        Yeah… I basically saw one ogf his good friens talking about him to someone else and it… well. ledto a very awkward night out whe i wan’t sure if she was talking baout hi or his bff and when she eventually confirmed to me it was about him… not pretty.

          • Calibrachoa

            thanks.. Yeah it sucked royally. I’ve been in bits since then and just keep telling myself I should concentrate on using Nick Cave as my own personal rebound…

    • NOLA

      Lots of hugs.

      FWIW, when I’ve told friends about my ex-H screwing up his third marriage, the responses have been:

      1) WTF? Someone would sleep with him?

      2) He could get it up?

      Laughing helps!

      • Calibrachoa

        *hugsbac*

        Ha, yeah that is true… i just, ugh. Feel so vindictive and want to hurt him and make sure he doesn’t stay with her either. I could tell her, hey btw this is how much of a jerk he is but who ever beöieves the ex? No one, that’s who. Or I could… tell him some things that would hopefully, oh, destroy his life as he kows it.

        • i've been there

          Take the high road and just ignore it and pretend it doesn’t matter. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

          • Calibrachoa

            TBH this is one of those situations where he would not get ay satisfactin form me going out to gt him because, well, it’s not what I did wthat will hurt him because I kow he hs written me off as a psycho anyway.. it’s what someone else very close to him did.

          • Nutshell

            You are making me curious. (Not that you should tell here, because it sounds very confidential.)

            I certainly wouldn’t tell him if it would ruin other relationships that you care about. If you don’t particularly care about those relationships and don’t think it will harm you, I would still only tell him if you see him again and he brings something up (or something else escalates).

          • Hel-lo

            If you’re taking about “weapons” you can use against him, getting back at him, burning bridges, etc…

            You need to let it go. Turn off all communication with him and his friends.

            Ignore whatever he does.

            You are better than that. The phrases above are not to be used if you want to avoid living up to the moniker he’s already given you.

            People who are not “psychos” just let it go and move on.

        • Calibrachoa

          @Nutshell yeah I am trying to figure out how much I do care about those others who would be caught in the blast… if you’e curious about the really bizarre soap opera of i am not making this up, really, let me know and i’ll drop you an e-mail. having an outsider’s perspective on the whole mess might be useful :P

  3. Anon

    Kat – a lot of comments disappeared when I refreshed using Chrome, then I got a mostly different set when I commented!

  4. momentsofabsurdity

    Ugh I am feeling so overwhelmed. I finished up work this week and am now trying to pack up my entire apartment to move before Sunday, and finish the required summer homework for my program. Whenever I think about how much there is left to do, I want to cry.

    And the crazy thing is, a lot of it is DONE (work is finished as of today, bittersweet though it was, my clothes and closet are packed so it’s really just kitchen stuff, there won’t be a ton to clean as soon as I move the boxes, I’ve made a good dent in the homework, etc). So I don’t know where all this anxiety and stress is even coming from but even from looking at pictures of myself from my last day today, I can see the tension in my shoulders.

    It just feels overwhelming – like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ugh. Just gotta breathe through it, I guess.

    • NYNY

      It sounds like you have had several stressful events converge (end of work, moving, back to school), and you’ve been managing the stress by working through. It’s only now that you have a little more time to think that it’s hitting you. Been there. I recall one time when I was moving and just burst into tears at the end of yoga class.

      It’s okay to feel stressed and anxious. You’re doing big things. Hugs.

    • LH

      I am weird and cry more at happy endings than sad things in movies (with the exception of dogs dying, which destroys me). It’s definitely not a traditional tearjerker but Steve Carrell’s speech at the end of Crazy Stupid Love always gets me. I’ve seen that movie 4 times and I’ve sobbed so hard each time. Once it was on a plane and the flight attendant asked if I was ok. I also think I bawled within the first couple of minutes of Up and Stapmom is a more traditional “crying movie” that always get me.

      • Wannabe Runner

        Same here. I also cry at patriotic things, like parades and even union protests.

        The first 10 minutes of Up is the absolute worst/best.

      • Sam

        I’m the same way. I often end up laughing at parts of movies that are supposed to be sad – usually because something about how things happened or some bit of the cinematography is off or such. I also have a tendency to find parts that are supposed to be funny incredibly sad (because I feel bad for the person you are supposed to laugh at or the situation is just horrible). Happy endings also usually make me mad or sad, depending on how they make them come about. I watched a RomCom yesterday and the ending made me sad, because they just twisted everything, which makes me think of how incredibly unrealistic that is.

    • Anon

      It’s really cheesy/bad, but the Vow had me crying like a baby for the entire second half of the movie. Also, Channing Tatum, :)

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Life as a House – and I rarely cry at movies. As for The Notebook, the book is way better.

    • Senior Attorney

      I have never cried more, nor uglier, than while watching 25th Hour, a Spike Lee film from some years back in which Edward Norton prepares to go to prison. ZOMG so many tears…

  6. NOLA

    For the couple of people who were interested – I ordered the Ivanka Trump Galyn pumps, which are a knockoff of the Valentino rockstud pumps but with an ankle strap. I ordered them in the pink. They fit (in a half size down from my regular size) but are really sexy. Too sexy – almost hooker-y. They are a higher heel than I was expecting and the studs are so sparkly that I don’t think I’d wear them for anything other than a dressy event. I showed my SO (he’s visiting) and he thinks I won’t have enough opportunity to wear them and I should return them. Reluctantly, I think he’s right. So back they go.

    So glad it’s the weekend. We’ve had a rough week. He’s been caring for his elderly, very cranky, stepfather who fell and broke a bunch of bones and I’ve been on the seemingly neverending quest for a diagnosis on my cat’s pain/injury. Saw an orthopedic specialist today. Inconclusive, but he had a great plan of attack. Yeesh.

    • Need to Improve

      I ordered them in black and I agree. I think they are too sexy for me to wear to work with a skirt. It’s a bummer.

    • Cordelia Chase

      I love my Ivanka Trump shoes. Leather, and they’ve help up really well to my non-gentle constant wearing of them.

      I ma sorry to hear about the troubles on all sides. Good wishes that both problems go better and resolve themselves.

  7. Sam

    Any hints of where to research law firms (pre-interview) other than speaking with people at the firms? I’m looking at Vault, Chambers, AmLaw, LinkedIn, and even ATL (though mostly for humor) in addition to the firm sites. I’m not sure if there is another site that I’m totally missing, though – it’s been a while since I’ve had to do this!

  8. Matilda

    Another recommendation request: anyone know of good brands for plus-size, quality running clothes? A friend is asking me to help her shop for good running clothes, and my go-to brands seem to be sizeist bast*rds (cough, Lululemon, cough). She needs good clothes for distance runs — so flat seams, non-chafing fabrics, etc. Any ideas where we can start? Thanks!

    • Calibrachoa

      I have no personal recommendations as I don’t run, but your friend might want to check out the Fit Fatties forum at fitfatties.com – it’s a community specializing in plus size fitness and I bet they’d have good suggestions for her.

    • Anon

      Athleta has stuff up to 2x, Nike and similar brands sell plus size stuff at department stores (Macy’s, Bloomie’s, etc.). There’s a company called junonia that specializes in plus size active wear for various sports.

    • I'm Just Me

      Old Navy has some really well made options. I think the plus size is only available online, but you could check a store for quality and then order. They always have some kind of online coupon as well.

  9. Anonymous

    TJ: security clearance from earlier in the week – there was a poster who believed you volunteered to help give a reference for your friends and this is incorrect & I wanted to correct it for anyone else going thru a clearance check – but not on a 3 day old post.

    As was previously stated OPM (Office of Personnel Mgmt) or the clearing agency will find other people, not provided by the candidate. I live in DC, I can rattle off friends with multiple layers of clearance like the shrimp scene in Forrest Gump. Often, I’ve been approached because of my prior relationship with the candidate – roommate, past-bf (even from many years), college friend, shoot I’ve even been interviewed about a neighbor I didn’t know further than a friendly wave. The digging is often in direct correlation with how advanced the clearance is.

    Sorry for bringing up an old post, but I wanted to provide some clarification. As others said too, drug use -esp in college – is often not enough to get you blackballed but lying about it is. ESP, if they’re going to follow up with a polygraph.

    • Hel-lo

      That article should really be called, “Top 10 things to do if you’re the daughter of Donald Trump.” I didn’t get much advice from it that I can actually apply in my real life.

  11. Fireworks

    To Any Marriage Counselors, Divorce Lawyers, or Others With Similar Experiences: Black and white turn to gray in middle age. We fell in love long distance after reconnecting at our 30th hs reunion. He was unhappily married with teenage kids and I was legally separated. As soon as we knew what was happening, he told his wife everything. He is resolute that he wants to be with me but not for three more years when his youngest child graduates high school. They can’t afford separate houses and send their oldest child to college. Brainstorm here.

    • Sam

      This doesn’t seem like a situation that is likely to turn out well. Of course, it might – chances just are pretty low.

      From my experience, people who stay together until the children are out of the house, etc. end up truly hating each other. It usually doesn’t help the child much, either, to have two parents pretending all is good while they actually hate each other and the situation.

      As for the financials, maybe they don’t both have to have their own house. They could rent or have a smaller place. They also don’t necessarily have to pay for their children to attend college (or can pay some of it while the child pays the rest).

      However, it is not really your place to decide how they run their family – even if you are looking to join it. Also keep in mind that if they don’t initiate divorce proceedings for three years, it could be a lot longer than that (depending on state) until the divorce is final. Given the situation, I would not put yourself “on hold” until he is available.

    • Wannabe Runner

      Honestly, it’s harder on the kids the older they are. Ask anyone whose parents divorced after they were grown & out of the house.

      Most kids with divorced parents will say they should have done it earlier.

      As for you, you should probably stay away from this dude until he is actually able to include you in his life.

      • Rising 2L

        I tend to agree with that. My parents divorced when I was 6. Aside from the fact that I blocked out the awful-ness that comes with divorce, so much so that I actually thought they got divorced when I was 8, I turned out pretty ok, and am not angry at my parents about my childhood. My BF on the other hand, his parents divorced when he was 14 and he is still so angry at his mom for leaving and blames the divorce for his need to take out so many student loans. I think the longer a child idealizes their parents’ marriage, the harder it is to come to grips with the idea of it ending.

    • Senior Attorney

      This man is telling you he is not available to be with you for the foreseeable future. If I were in your shoes I would absolutely tell him “Good luck with everything and I look forward to hearing from you when you have physically separated from your wife.”

      Even if he is being honest with you, even putting aside there are two sides to every unhappy marriage story and you are only hearing one side, and even assuming for the sake of argument that there is such a thing as falling in love long distance, the chances of this turning out well are vanishingly, vanishingly small if only because his children will hate you for breaking up the family.

      You deserve more than the scraps this guy is offering you.

  12. Alice

    I’m in need of suggestions as to what to do to support a friend, across the country from me, who just (unexpectedly) discovered her long-term SO has a very serious form of cancer (friend-late 20s, SO-late 30s, no kids, in graduate school).

    I’m not really in close contact with the friend at all, but we were quite close in high school and always “click” when we see each other every few years. I know she is planning on setting up a web site at some point with updates on SO’s progress and probably a way to offer some financial support, which I will probably do.

    In the meantime, for those of you who have gone through this sort of situation, what would be most helpful/meaningful?

    I know they have just relocated to a city with a great oncology center, and that my friend’s mom and sister are there right now to schedule appointments for them, get them settled, etc….

    Thank you!

    • Nutshell

      I think even just letting her know that you are there for her to talk or not is important. It sounds like she has someone to help her with scheduling and daily stuff, but it might be nice for her to have someone away from it all to talk to (about what is going on or anything else).

    • Seattleite

      Members of this site did, and are still doing, this for me after being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer last year: letters and cards. No expectation of response, no reproaches that I didn’t. Just short notes, postcards, whatever, with a message that someone was thinking of me. It was and is astonishingly good for my morale.

  13. Anon

    I would like to get some other people’s objective point of view on this –

    My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2. After we had been together for 1.5 years my husband moved out of his rental (we were both renting separately) and purchased a house. I agreed to move in with him when the house was purchased and helped him look for the house. I didn’t have much say in which house he purchased because I wasn’t comfortable with putting my money into said house as we weren’t married. He chose a foreclosure that was clean but did need a significant amount of renovations to the house itself and the yard. He thought it sounded fun to have this house as a project. I made it clear that I’m not into “projects”. Fast forward 6 years from when the house was purchased and we’re still living there slowing doing renovations. Last spring I told him that I wanted to pay someone to renovate the kitchen which he agreed to and he let me design the whole thing. But this whole summer he has been working on the yard every weekend. It’s not just mowing the yard or anything (the yard is dirt and weeds), it’s cutting down whole trees chopping them up and putting them in a giant rented dumpster. Sometimes I’ll make suggestions like, oh we should go hiking this weekend or camping and he’ll say, sorry I’ve got to work on the yard. So two issues here: 1) He gives me guilt trips for not helping him in the yard and 2) I would like to spend my weekend time with him doing something fun that we both enjoy. I’m really starting to resent him and this house. I think it’s become more of an issue for me because we are living FAR below our means and could afford a nicer, renovated home. I work really hard during the week (as does he) and I do not want to spend my free time renovating a house.

    Any insight?

    • Monday

      This paragraph is crystal clear to me: how you ended up in this house, the terms you thought you’d agreed to, and why you’re unhappy with the situation now. I’d start by sitting down with him and going over all of the above, at a time when you know you’ll be able to stay calm. Have you already tried this?

      My very reasonable husband has sometimes simply forgotten that I only said I would do X on the condition of Y, or that we had both committed to a particular plan, and gone back on it without realizing. At times all it takes is reminding someone that this wasn’t the deal, or showing that what looks like keeping up their end of it to them is not at all working out for you. Correcting it mid-course isn’t always comfortable, but you made the original agreement for a reason. Good luck.

    • Rosalita

      Could it be that he thinks your main priority is having the house/yard done?

      I read this to my DH, and he reminded me that dumpster rental is per day. So he probably wants to get the yard done as soon as possible.

      I agree with Monday. You should make sure he knows you love him, and want to spend time with him, but that sometimes you want to spend time on things other than the house.

      It sounds like he compromised on the kitchen. Maybe you could compromise and help him out outside. You might like working as a team with him. :)

    • anon

      It seems like he might find yard work relaxing and therapeutic. It seems like he enjoys doing this, if he is clearly not rushing through it and if you guys have funds to hire this work out to someone. This might be a compromise between what you find relaxing on the weekends (planning hiking trips, whatever) and what he finds relaxing on the weekends (yard work).

  14. Audrey Horne

    Okay, forgive me if this has been discussed already, but what do you do when one partner in a relationship routinely wakes up ~2 hours before the other on the weekends? It’s fine if I’ve got my own errands to run, but when my fiance and I have plans to spend the whole day together, from breakfast to errands to going to bed at night, it drives me totally crazy when he sleeps in long past when I wake up (which isn’t super early either – this is like a 9am v. 11am situation). Obviously he hates it when I wake him up against his will; he also feels no need to wake up to be with me, either. What do you guys suggest I do? I guess this is specifically in the case where we’ve discussed an entire day together already, so I feel stuck waiting.

    • Alice

      Maybe part of the problem is that you never know when he is going to wake up, so you don’t do anything because he *might* be up soon? If so, would he be amenable to setting a wake up time, even a late one, the day before?

      A compromise could work. Like, sleep in as long as possible Saturday, wake up earlier Sunday. Or, if you have plans that require getting up early (a packed day or early brunch plans), he should get up when you do. But if not, let him sleep and take the time to do something on your own.

      Examples may include scheduling a morning phone date or coffee with a friend; working out if that’s something you do; giving yourself a morning spa/beautification hour or two; sitting with a cup of tea and the newspaper.

      My SO also sleeps in later than I would want to, but my problem is that he convinces me to stay in bed even when I’ve gotten enough sleep, and then I get annoyed because either I’ve wasted morning hours that I could have used to be productive around the house, or we get a late start on doing fun things. I’m much more of a morning person. We have less conflict now, as I’ve trained myself to let him sleep in on days we are staying around town and don’t have much of a schedule, and he’s promised to be the one to stop pressing the snooze button and actually get up when we’ve agreed to leave early to go on a day trip or something.

      And I admit that on occasion I have used an early morning wake up BJ to wake him up. It works very well.

    • Ekaterin Nile

      My husband and I have very different sleep requirements, and he frequently sleeps in a couple of hours later than I do on the weekends. Generally, I appreciate the time to myself to read, drink coffee, whatever. If we had specific plans to do something at 10, I get annoyed, but otherwise I figure if he’s sleeping in, he needs the sleep. I have had to make it clear to him that on the rare occasion when he wakes up before I do on the weekend, Death is Certain to Come if he tries to wake me up just because he’s awake.

      If you make plans to spend the entire day together, perhaps you could agree on a wake-up time in advance? Or if his sleeping in is getting in the way of accomplishing agreed-upon activities, that could be a problem. But otherwise, I would just try to enjoy your “me time.”

    • Sam

      Maybe set a start time when you make plans to spend the day together. That way you know when your time together starts and can do something on your own beforehand.

      • Hel-lo

        Agreed. The night before, say, “So can we leave at 10 for the market tomorrow?” If you get up at 8, find something else to do. If he gets up at 9:30, let him.

    • Veronique

      As the partner who normally sleeps in, please just go and do your own thing until your SO wakes up. If uncertainty bothers you, I agree with the other posters that you should agree on a time to wake up or to be ready to leave. Saturday is my only day to sleep in, and it’s an indulgence that I don’t intend to give up until I have children! It annoys me when guys try to guilt me about sleeping in or prevent me from doing so.

      I don’t care if my guy sleeps in with me or not, but it’s sooooo annoying when he sleeps in and then complains about how he’s wasted half the day. I would prefer he go do his own thing until I’m ready than stay in bed with me and complain about it later.

    • Alanna of Trebond

      Omg, just let him sleep. I am the partner who is always sleeping in (and also, 9am is really early for a weekend…it’s when I wake up for work) and I am extremely unhappy if woken up. If you want to do something else before then, just do it and text him or leave a note. Or, as other posters have suggested, set a time to meet (we usually plan a 12:30pm brunch).

  15. Anonymous

    I am so so so sick of all my friends and their engagement/wedding mania. I don’t see why every discussion is high-jacked with discussion of rings, or proposals, or venues, or flowers, or dresses, or invite lists, or whatever. I’ve never been one of those girls that dreams about a fairytale wedding, it just seems so shallow, and materialistic, and like a huge waste of money and time, and like an exercise in creating stress for all involved.

    • basil

      For women who are excited about a traditional wedding, being a bride is a once-in-a-lifetime experience (hopefully!). And it sounds like several of your friends ARE into it, or you’d be complaining about one person rather than “all my friends.” So my advice is to either be happy for them and know that this too shall pass, or pass on some get-togethers when you can’t rally. Obviously, you can put limits on how much time you spend discussing weddings during one-on-one time.

    • Brant

      Ew, I feel ya. I didn’t even want to talk about *my* wedding planning, much less do so on facebook.

  16. What Next?

    I have put the past 12 years into trying to find success as an actress, and I make my living as a waitress. I have earned about $2,000 from acting, total, in that time. I’ve had a lot of other successes, like seeing some really great projects through. There’s a lot that I’m proud of, but I still don’t have health insurance or regular hours or any plan to get out of the service industry.

    In the meantime, my college friends have finished graduate programs and are deep into their careers. Most are married with kids. (I haven’t really had any serious relationships since college.)

    I’m 34 and at a crossroads. I finished my BA at the top of my class, but it feels late to be pointing back to that achievement. My friends have suggested arts administration or business school or non-profit work, but I have had one dream my whole life and there isn’t really any other one to fill its place. There is nothing else I’m excited about, but I don’t want to look back at 50, still a waitress, still no health insurance or husband or kids. (And I can’t even think about having kids alone without a very different job.) These mid-30s years are starting to feel like a crucial time to figure things out.

    So, wise ladies, do you have advice?

    • Wildkitten

      What are the successes you are proud of? Are they something you can do for a living? If not, you should find out how to continue to be proud of successes, and also schedule a way to make a living. If you can’t find everything you want in your 9-5 that’s okay – you can get part of your fulfillment from the 9-5 and get the rest from side projects, or hobbies, or kids, or relationships. We have this expectation that the 9-5 should be everything we want from life, but that’s not going to happen, so you should just view it as one part, and make sure you achieve your other priorities in other ways if you aren’t meeting those needs M-F.

    • Nutshell

      It sounds to me like you don’t want to give up acting or your current life – your friends want you to do so. I am sure they are well intentioned, but focus on yourself and what you want.

      I agree with Wildkitten about trying to focus on those successes, potentially turning them into a career or increasing your work in that area (if possible). I also agree that you can find fulfillment in your non-work life.

      If you are looking to change, attend some general networking events to try and meet people and learn about what they do. If something sounds interesting to you, follow up with them for coffee or such and learn more.

      As for ‘improving’ your personal life, again, do what you want. If you really want to find a partner, work on that. But please don’t feel pressured into anything. You won’t be happy if you follow your friends’ well-intentioned suggestions and have an idyllic life – but really, you don’t like your partner, work, or anything else. It does sound like you want to start looking for another job and a partner, but just be careful that you are following your actual interests/wants.

      In terms of a position you might be qualified for with the potential of learning more/moving up, maybe look into being a receptionist (helps learn about the business and make connections), secretary, or assistant. Especially if you work in a service industry, you’ll get to know people in that industry and the clients. You’ll also be on your feet a lot less while still having personal contact with a lot of people. You can explain how your skills transfer over (people person, able to juggle many things at once, can work with all different personalities, etc.) without too much difficulty.

      Best of luck!

    • Cordelia Chase

      1 )Was your BA in theater or something else? Regarding your friends’ job suggestions, I would be very careful about an MBA and do a lot of practical research before going down that path. Art and MBA-required jobs are just so different – arguably antithetical at times – that I really, really recommend careful looking into the substance of the daily job duties in these types of jobs. (Then again, you might like it.)

      Your post strikes a nerve because I am now a (late-20s) lawyer who, with every passing year, realizes with more and more clarity I should have listened to my heart and gone into either the (language) arts or philosophy. Anyway. You’re a braver woman than I was. I still daydream about changing my path, and I very well might do so.

      Art administration sounds tangentially related but would hardly have anything to do with art. How about teaching acting/art/something else? Or working in theater in a non-actor role? The possibilities are broad and you can start narrowing them down based on your qualifications (your major -theater, art, etc.?). But, yes, you should absolutely be able to succeed in finding a career that satisfies you artistically *and* provides growth opportunities and fiscal security.

      2) I really don’t see any logical relationship between your career dissatisfaction and dating life. The whole “can”t afford kids” thing aside, don’t wait and just decide to start dating now. There is no ideal situation and no prerequisite here. Just date! :)

      3) No matter in which direction you decide to take your career, I do not think you should give up on acting. Keep and keep and keep trying, for yourself. :)

    • NYNY

      I’ve been through something similar, and am halfway between your current age and the mythical 50 you speak of. I was a dancer (waiter) for 10 years after college, and finally stopped because my whole life was built around dancing – where I lived, where I worked, who I dated (bartenders, mostly) – and I wasn’t getting what I needed out of it. I didn’t just decide it was time to stop, though, I hit such a deep depression that I couldn’t do anything, and only with lots of therapy could I decide to move in a new direction. I’ve been fortunate in finding a completely different career path since leaving the arts. But there’s no way I would have known it without first just getting an entry-level job in the field I’m now in.

      What I can’t tell from your post is if you want to change course, or if you’re just afraid of future regret because your friends are moving in a new direction. You don’t have to do what your friends do to be happy. What do you want?

  17. anon

    So there was a comment earlier in the week about the lack of posts and commentary on relationship questions, and the multitude of posts related to pregnancy and baby questions. I am wondering if that is because, in general, this community is very supportive of new mothers, and making different choices as appropriate to each particular family, but, in general, this community is not very open to making different choices when it comes to relationships. It seems like the general consensus anytime someone is having difficulty with their boyfriend/husband is to dump him and demand better. I get that it is important to support friends (online or IRL) who are looking for support, but I don’t understand why the response is always a very logical, clinical, “this isn’t going to work, move on.” I mean, frequently people post on here about jobs that might be a stretch, and might involve a lot of work, and the response is typically encouraging. I feel like long-lasting, meaningful relationships take work and compromise as well. But, quitting the minute that things don’t quite go your way, or the minute that things seem like they might involve work, doesn’t seem to be good advice when it comes to work decisions nor relationship decisions. I say this as someone who is not married, so perhaps I just don’t know as much as everyone else, but I do feel like more honest discussions about dating/relationship questions might encourage further commentary. I also don’t feel like there is a conflict between being a successful professional who also wants to be in a meaningful relationship. Relationships are a big part of life, and I don’t necessarily want to “hide” the fact that I am looking for that from this community (or IRL).

    • Wildkitten

      I think women here are trying to be supportive, and generally feel like women who post on here about guys they aren’t sure about are looking for support to vacate the situation. I also personally believe there is a big difference between someone you are dating and don’t have kids with, and someone you are married to and have kids with. But, when I want to read about that I go to Dear Prudence, not r3tt3. Women here are also very supportive when folks get engaged, fwiw.

      I’m open to more dialogue, that’s just my impression, not a final verdict.

    • Monday

      Interesting post. I will say that I think plenty of times, someone posts about problems in a marriage or in a job and people also respond saying they should leave (the spouse or the job). It’s usually easier said–by someone else–than done, but sometimes the perspective can be helpful, i.e. “if I hadn’t invested in this situation it would be unacceptable to me, and yes, OP, you can do better.” If the OP has to bend over backwards trying to justify her continued sacrifice, maybe that tells her something.

      As for married people weighing in on dating stuff, which came up earlier too, I think the angle is useful. People who are many years into a relationship and share most of their lives have different ideas about what’s ok and what isn’t, and since many people who are dating want this kind of long-term commitment in the future it may be useful to hear how those ideas may change. Also, advice about relationships from someone who feels totally secure in hers comes from an attitude of “you’ll be fine without this person,” which I think is the right mindset in dating. But very hard to maintain sometimes on your own or among only single friends, in my experience.

      • Monday

        Edit. First, I should say that I wrote my second paragraph from the perspective of remembering how I felt when I was dating about getting input from married people. I hope I didn’t strike the wrong tone.

        Second, I realize the OP meant that people are much more quickly discouraged here on relationship topics compared with jobs. I wonder if that just comes down to necessity: you can be single your whole life if that suits you, but generally you can’t go without income for very long. Thus even in a job or career that’s pretty unhappy, at least for now, you may have to tolerate much more than you would in your personal life, so the advice comes from that awareness.

    • Anon

      I agree with you. I made a comment similar to this a number of months ago (on a thread where everyone was rather beating up the OP with one extreme view, I said something from the opposing view, which then led to people yelling at me, and then I said I thought that both views were valid, but I thought the community is too quick to jump to one and OP had already heard that, so I was offering another). I was then personally attacked about a very personal subject and about my training in a specific area.

      After that, I stopped coming to this site for a long time and have only now started to come back very infrequently. Now I largely ignore relationship posts, because it really frustrates me, but I don’t want to go through another attack.

      All in all, I agree with you that people are quick to come to the same conclusion about these kinds of things and not offer middle ground or other views.

    • mascot

      I actually think you see a lot of advice about how to work things out, getting therapy, books to read, communication strategies, etc. But there are also a fair amount of threads where the poster is miserable and, assuming all facts in the post are true, it appears her partner isn’t going to change. Might they change? Of course, but the forum is only looking at a snapshot in time. And really, how many resolutions are there besides the maintaining the status quo, people in the relationship changing , or the relationship ending.

    • Senior Attorney

      As somebody who has recently posted about leaving my marriage, I’ll admit that I may be taking this post a little personally.

      But you know what? At age 54 with two marriages under my belt, I just plain disagree with you. I really do think that relationships should, for the most part, be easy. Certainly in the beginning. If you are having problems with your boyfriend of a few months, I absolutely think that rather than work on it endlessly, you both are probably going to be better off if you part ways and find somebody with whom you are more compatible.

      Now, if you are married and have children, that’s a different story and I completely agree that you should do everything possible to make it work. But boyfriends? Hold out for a great fit and don’t bother with the ones who require a ton of work. Because I am here to tell you it will not get any easier as time goes by.

      • anon

        i am the OP, and this is interesting, and different from the way i have always looked at things. Maybe it is true that most people expect, or want, relationships to be easy. Perhaps because the rest of life is so hard sometimes? Perhaps because people don’t change? If that is the case, I can see why the response is always to move on and start something new. This is definitely different from the way that I was looking at things, and it gives me something to think about…

        • Senior Attorney

          Basically, I think love shouldn’t hurt. If you are having to work to make your relationship not hurt, I firmly, firmly believe you are in the wrong relationship. And yes — the rest of life is hard, and your relationship/marriage should be the place where you come for comfort and safety. And NO! People do NOT change! My number two rule, right after “relationships should be easy,” is “when people tell you who they are, believe them!”

          Not that I’ve been thinking about this for lo, these many unhappily married years or anything… ;)

  18. Wildkitten

    My 10 year high school reunion is coming up and I am torn about attending. I feel like it’s something I should attend, but having to fly across the country would be a financial hardship. Is it important to attend?

    • Alice

      I don’t think it is, and I skipped mine. I would have gone if I had happened to be in town, but that wasn’t the case.

      I think they are less important now, in the era of Facebook, etc. The two reasons I would have attended are (1) to see my group of friends; and (2) out of curiosity about those people I haven’t stayed in touch with. Facebook basically takes care of (2), and as for (1), most of my high school group of friends are within 2-3 hours of my hometown, so I can see them whenever I see my parents. And those of us who live farther away tended not to make it to the reunion anyway.

      I’m planning on the 20 year (also, I feel like people may have relaxed more by then!).

  19. Pregomama

    Just had a baby shower this weekend and looking for some thank you gift ideas. It was hosted by my family, and some family friends who own a nearby restaurant. Looking for some thank-you gift ideas for the family friends, who closed their restaurant for the morning for my shower and catered the entire thing. Any ideas? I was originaly thinking some kind of gift basket for the restaurant, but it feels weird to send food to a restaurant. Gift cards for spa services isn’t really appropriate either– at least, it doesn’t seem right to me.

    Heartfelt thank-yous and flowers? Other ideas? I’m thinking of spending around $100, and it can be a group gift (there was a bartender on duty–we did a big, big tip so I’m less concerned about including him in the gift but his name would be on a group card), 2 individual gifts for the co-owners (both family friends), or a joint gift for co-owners.

    • Hel-lo

      I’ve never heard of a present for throwing someone a shower. The point is to give presents to the shower-ee.

      A handwritten heartfelt card is perfectly sufficient. Everyone knows you have a ton more on your plate. Sending them a thank-you bouquet would be very nice, but probably not necessary.

    • mascot

      I’d treat it like any other hostess gift and give something jointly to the couple. Doesn’t have to be food, it could be something nice for their house or flowers. Presumably they covered any staff on hand, so I think you can send the gift to them privately or at their house.

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