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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 247 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Eva Mendes cocktail dressSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. The classics are classic for a reason — and this chic little black dress (with faux leather and lace details) shows why. I think it's a gorgeous dress for cocktail parties, holiday parties, or even just a special dinner with friends or loved ones. It's $69.95 at New York & Company. Eva Mendes Collection – Mariella Faux-Leather Lace Dress Psst: Here are a few quick and dirty sale links for you…
  • DvF Friends and Family sale is on – take 30% off with code FRIENDS30
  • Tory Burch Friends and Family sale is on – 25% off with code FRIENDS
  • Brooks Brothers has some crazy great prices on shoes (lots marked from $230+ to under $50) — savings of up to 80%
(L-all)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. E

    Anyone looking to do some vicarious shopping today?

    My every day black leather bag for work just died and I’m looking for a replacement. Ideally $125. Must be able to fit a large padfolio and a water bottle, and have long handles so I can carry it over the shoulder, plus cell phone pockets inside or some way to organize (vs say a long-champ type). No need for laptop compartment since mine is way too heavy. I have a lo and sons OMG but that’s too big for every day. Would prefer leather / fake leather vs. nylon. Something plain and classic would be great. Thanks all!!

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open thread’s!!!!! I love open thread’s!!!!! And I love this little black dress! For month’s I could NOT fit into my black dress b/c my tuchus was to big, but now, thank’s to walkeing, my tuchus has gotten smaller, and I am GOEING to celebrate by buying a new dress. I think I might even get into a size 2! but do NOT want to buy it onley to squeeze into it b/c my tuchus is getting bigger. So I will go to Bloomie’s and try one on and see if I can get into a SIZE 2.

      As for the OP, Bloomie’s also have a good selection of leather bag’s that do NOT need a laptop. I love Bloomie’s and 40 Carrot’s (tho they don’t love me that much).

      Myrna called to say that Sam is goeing to call me (after all I said he is still interested?) I am focused on Willem and Micheal for now, so the thought of a British guy trying to date me is something that is dificult to fathom right now, b/c I am not sure he would want to have kid’s right away, and that is what I need. Willem, on the other hand, is older and he has told me that I would make a good mother. And Micheal also want’s kids and told me he would not sleep with me on the first date (which is fine b/c I would not sleep with him either. FOOEY!)

      But both have posibilities and I do NOT have time to waste. So if the HIVE has any ideas, I would be happy to listen. BTW, the judge was VERY nice to me and I won my motions today! YAY!!!! The manageing partner said that Margie placed the order for my red shoe’s (AND HERS) and he will bring them in to work when they come in and Margie gives them to him. I told him NOT to let Margie try mine on b/c of the BUNNION’s! DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • 2L

      I’ve found eBags helpful for finding bags like this – and usually at a discount and with good warranties. No time to actually look through for you, but I recently got one that fits most of your requirements (but also has a laptop compartment bag) on sale for $20 (it was the daily steal deal or something like that – normally over $100).

  2. RJ

    Random question. We had some water in our basement in July. A national water restoration co came out and ripped out carpet, brought in industrial dryers, etc. This was following a huge amount of rainfall, so many people were experiencing the same thing and the company was very busy. We have not received a bill from them. Part of me wants to let it go, and hope it was just an oversight, but it feels a little shady to do that, and I don’t want to end up with a lien on the house. Any advice? Could there be any legal repercussion for us if they just forgot to bill us?

    • Senior Attorney

      My advice is to call them once to advise them that you haven’t been billed, and follow up in writing. You owe them the money and it is indeed shady not to pay. But if they don’t bill you after that, I wouldn’t chase them further.

    • Nonny

      Did you hire them through your insurance company? Could it be they billed your insurer directly?

      • Susedna

        I was wondering about this — I’d check your homeowners’ insurance policy to see if it covers flood damage and look in your records to see if you reported this to your insurance company and they paid for it, as a first step. If your insurance company didn’t pay for it, then I’d do what Senior Attorney advised.

        • RJ

          We didn’t report it because the cost was only supposed to be around 1000. I’ll try checking with the company directly, thanks!

  3. Ellie

    I really love this dress. However I must restrain myself buying more work-inappropriate dress because I always think “I will go to this and that cocktail party” and end up never going to any. All the pieces in my closet that I’ve never worn and probably will never wear are cocktail dresses. Bad me :(

    • TO Lawyer

      Story of my life. I’ve decided I need more dresses that are casual-Friday appropriate as I have work dresses and c*cktail dresses galore.

    • Lyssa

      Same here. That said, I think that going out to dinner at any restaurant with 1) more than 10 wines offered, 2) some choice in entrees over $20, or 3) foods that contain non-cow’s milk cheese should warrant a fancy dress, so you could try to make a point of more nice dinners out wearing nice dresses. :)

      • Susedna

        I wish there were more folks like you, Lyssa, in my area.

        At restaurants like that where I live and work, the vast majority of women 30 and under are wearing jeans or a mostly casual outfit. That’s become the new uniform, it seems, “trying to not look too ‘done up'”. Which is fine. I just hate that it’s become the dominant uniform in my area. I know that if I were my age 50yrs ago, I’d be lamenting that the dominant uniform was being “too done.”

        I’m against uniformity, I guess.

        • HSAL

          I’m also opposed to the dominant uniform – it’s why I’m officially rebelling against the skinny jeans-boots-slouchy top combo. Unofficially, it’s that I bet I look terrible in skinny jeans (though a tiny part of me wants a pair).

          • Avery

            Try on 7’s the skinny jeans — the material is pretty amazing and makes you look smaller, and they do a more forgiving straight leg rather than the skinny.

          • Taylor

            I second 7’s! The key I’ve found is in the leg opening. If the opening is less that 12″, it makes my legs look sausage casings. 12″ is still “skinny” enough, yet flatters my athletic thighs.

      • Senior Attorney

        I agree with dressing up to go out!

        There’s a very nice restaurant in my town with great food, amazing service, and pretty high prices, where I was always just amazed that people dressed just horribly. I’m not talking jeans and cute tops, I’m talking sweats for the women and shorts, rubber thongs, and underwear-type t-shirts for men. Ball caps optional.

        I was very pleased that on my last visit there was a sign on the door saying “Proper attire required.”

        • ExcelNinja

          I’m in the Bay Area and it seems like here the sloppier you dress, the richer you’re perceived to be. Went for a lovely dinner at La Foret and there was a couple near us in Jucy sweats and jeans and tshirts. Ugh.

      • MissK

        +1!!

        I wish that jeans and a blouse wasn’t considered a standard non-work uniform where I’m from….. I don’t necessarily want to wear a cocktail dress everywhere I go (or maybe I do???) but I don’t feel like it’s weird to wear something nice to leave my house.

        I was recently at the movie theater where there was a group of women about my age in sweats, slippers and a sweaters……. When did this become acceptable to wear for any kind of social gathering?!?!?!

      • Ellie

        That’d be a fine idea, however where I live, even if it’s a Michelin-star restaurant, people will look curiously at you when you wear a dress like above. Not that it’s generally inappropriate, but just – chances are you end up being the only one. It can feel awkward when everyone else is wearing business casual style (that’s how most people in those restaurants are dressed) and you wear a subtle cocktail dress. Those dresses are more reserved for clubs and lounges and … I’m not really interested in those.

    • Veronique

      It might have to be mine if it’s still around once my new job starts. I’ll just have to make my own occasion!

      • Anonymous

        Did you know Vince Camuto is Nine West? I never knew that until I saw an article about how filthy rich the founder is. It made me never want to buy Vince Camuto anything because I have always thought Nine West shoes are poorly made and uncomfortable.

        • TCFKAG

          Boo – because I actually LIKE Vince Camuto stuff and have found IT generally well made and with just that little extra edgy style that I love. Ugh. Well, I guess I’ll continue avoiding Nine West and buy Vince Camuto with care.

        • Avodah

          I had no idea! I will say, I have had very good luck w/ Vince Camuto shoes. I really suggest giving ’em a chance!

          • Susedna

            Again, Avodah, I must respectfully post a very different experience than yours. So glad we can disagree w/civility and without ‘games’. ;-)

            I tried on several pairs of Vince Camuto shoes and they hurt pretty badly! Although I’m thinking it’s not because of quality but because they don’t suit the shape of my feet. I typically wear size 8.5 or 9, and have wide feet. Have had (still have) some issues with bunions.

          • cc

            Yikes Susedna, I feel like not like you to be passive aggressive. Let’s leave the dispute where it was, I don’t think it was a big enough deal to bring sarcastic winky faces into the weekend.

            I used to like nine west but cant get anything there now- I’ve finally accepted that I do have wide feet and need a wide shoe.

          • Susedna

            Hi cc,

            This is where not being able to hear my tone is making it sound like I’m being passive-aggressive to you. I’m trying to make a playful nod to Avodah, who’s having a nice discussion w/me on the other thread. I really appreciate her followups and her perspective. I thought a little humor would lighten things up, but I guess not.

            Also, my winky faces are not sarcastic. They’re meant to be friendly. Is that not how they’re used? (I always thought that they’re meant to be jokey-friendly, and that the :-p is the face with the tongue-sticking out and that that’s used to convey sarcasm.)

          • cc

            I coupled the smiley face with what I read as a sarcastic comment to make the whole comment passive agressive and sarcastic. Like if I said “well at least you know how to let a fight die ;)”. But tone can always be tough on the internet.

          • Susedna

            Ah, got it.

            The thing that perplexed me is that Avodah and I weren’t fighting. Or really in as vehement disagreement as it might have seemed. But you did make me wonder if I’m too old for emoticons!

            (Separately, a person at work who’s a lot younger than me was mystified that my cheap old phone can’t do some of the really hilarious animated emoticons that she has on her Smartphone.)

          • NOLA

            The one with the tongue sticking out always makes me think of Eli Manning’s SNL court skit where he had to act out the faces. No, you’re not too old! But my phone can do those cute ones. SO had to ask me how to do that. Hee hee.

          • cc

            Maybe I just am more cynical. In general, if grown women are using emoticons, I think they are sarcastic ha.

          • Avodah

            Late to this party. Susedna disagreed on another thread (I responded). It was actually interesting and I appreciate her perspective. Anyway, the shoes. I think Vince Camutos are pretty good.

        • NOLA

          Actually Vince Camuto founded Nine West but sold the company to the Jones New York group in 1999. He moved on. I like Vince Camuto shoes a lot. I have a few Nine West shoes I like but don’t buy nearly as much as I used to because of quality/consistency issues. I just really liked the look of these. Haven’t tried ’em on.

        • NOLA

          Our fall break is coming up and I’ll have a four day weekend. Maybe I’ll be able to get together then!

        • NOLA

          Oh and just went to the dr. My BP was still a little high, although not dangerously so. Starting on a low dose of meds so we’ll see. Now if this stupid tropical storm would just veer east, I’d be so much happier. I have way too much to do this weekend to deal with this sh!t.

          • NOLA

            Yeah I’m watching the news right now. I’m not even sure we’ll get as much rain because the rain is on the east side of the storm because of dry air to the west. We may get wind but not as much rain. The local news is in a frenzy as usual.

  5. Sheets recommendations?

    I would like to buy a really nice soft set of sheets. Sateen-ish is fine. Main thing is softness and no piling. I bought a pair of Nordstrom 500 count sateen sheets but they piled after about 5 washes. Ironically, I have an old set from JC Penney (discontinued) sateen sheets that are heavenly, but they are wearing out.

    I am willing to drop a bit of coin on this, but I feel a little like the quality hasn’t correlated with the money spent in the past. Does anyone have a recommendation ?

    I do not want jersey fabric sheets.

    • Mpls

      I got a nice (300/400ish thread count) set on major discount from Kohls and have been very happy with the softness and no pilling. Can’t remember the brand to save my life, though. I think they retailed at $120, but between the Kohl’s reduction, plus the sale price, plus my mom’s % off card, I think I spent $20.

      • Hel-lo

        Second for Kohl’s. The higher-count sheets are supposed to get softer each washing. These do.

    • anyanon

      Egyptian cotton sateen at Costco. $40/queen set with four pillow cases, $45 for king. Seriously the most heavenly sheets at any price I’ve ever seen.

      • Houston Attny

        I have these and second anyanon’s comments. I’ve washed them at least 50 times – no pilling.

      • DC Association

        Ditto. I wanted a new set of sheets and I got some at Ikea b/c i loved the color…i hate the sheets. 300 threadcount and itchy. Should have stuck with Costco.

      • Another S

        Is this the Kirkland brand set that only comes in white (or maybe that’s all my Costco offered)?

        • anyanon

          Another S – my costco had multiple colors, all pale. White, pale blue, pale green. I have one set that is three years old and shows no wear or pilling.

          I was curious about their Portugese flannel sheets which were $29.99 for a queen size set compared to my favorite Lands End sets which normally sell for $129. The quality is comparable.

      • TCFKAG

        Costco sheets are the BOMB. We get all our sheets there – the flannel ones get us through New England winters (even with a miserly husband who refuses to keep the heat on at night.) [I kid – I hate the heat at night – I was raised with it off at night so heat at night just makes me sweat. But flannel sheets are amazing.]

      • anon2

        These sheets are great, but really only work if you have a pretty thick mattress.

    • Anonymous

      Ralph Lauren Dunham sateen sheets. Sometimes available at TJMaxx. I swear by these and they’ll all I buy now

      • anon

        I love Ralph Lauren Sheets. I did get one printed pair that hasn’t softened the way I would have liked, but in general, they are awesome.

    • OttLobbyist

      Martex sheets – I would assume you can find them in the U.S., since you all have all the good shopping anyways! They are inexpensive, but wash well and are soft.

      • Fiona

        We registered for Martex bath towels for our wedding…they are just now, 10+ years later, starting to show enough wear that I’m ready to replace them. I need to find out where I can get more.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      My favourite sheets ever are from The White Company, not sure if it’s available in the US, but they have gotten softer and softer over time. I bought them like four years ago for £100 and hey weren’t Egyptian cotton but some kind of cotton blend and they are awesome!

    • CKB

      I am fairly picky about sheets. I hate, hate, hate it when sheets pill. Dh knows and tolerates this about me. So when he was walking down the mall a few months ago and saw a huge sale on bamboo sheets at a quilt store he went & talked to the salesperson, asked a ton of questions, and ended up buying a set.

      And they are great. No pilling, nice & soft, a little wrinkly if left in the dryer, but not a big deal imo. I normally prefer crisp sheets, but these bamboo ones are nice too. Dh did good!

      • anon

        +1 for bamboo sheets! I had a set many years ago and was so sad when they died a sad, white-sheet death at the behest of aunt flo.

        • Baconpancakes

          For future visits, hydrogen peroxide, poured directly on the fabric, does a pretty good job of getting out those kinds of stains.

    • Lynnet

      Honestly, after spending loads of money on sheets and being consistently disappointed, I picked up a set of $20 cotton 300 thread count Walmart sheets 3 or 4 months ago, and I don’t think I’ll ever use anything else. They’re so much softer and more comfortable than the expensive 600 thread count sheets we kept buying. We love them so much that we’ve been using them pretty constantly since we got them, washing once a week, and so far haven’t had any problem with pilling.

  6. Tired anon

    I’m the tired anon from earlier this week, posting about Biglaw burnout. I started to get really weird chest pains on Tuesday this week. It felt like someone was stabbing me inside the left ribcage (yes, right around my heart) every time I took a deep breath. I spent the afternoon (while still plugging away at work) breathing really carefully to avoid the pain. I thought about going to the ER but I figured they would just say it’s stress and send me home, and I feel better now. I went to yoga yesterday to see if I could ease some tension. I was hoping to take this weekend off but two new deals landed on my desk this morning. Has anyone else had this, and did it get better with some yoga or relaxation? Anything else I should be doing? I’m staying away from Dr. Google as I don’t want to freak myself out and add to the stress.

    • Brant

      Happened to me when I started my first job out of college. I DID go to the doc, and they told me it was heartburn (it was not heartburn). Eventually it went away. I decided it was stress and it hasn’t happened since.

    • Anonymous

      I had a pain like this earlier this year (hurt to breathe more than shallow breaths, couldn’t raise my arms quickly, etc.). The pain was a bit lower, and radiated slightly to my back as well. After a few days I went to my doctor and he took an x-ray to rule out a fracture. He thought I had likely strained a muscle while running. I took ibuprofen whenever it hurt, and the pain went away after about two weeks.

      Hope yours isn’t serious and goes away soon!

    • 2L

      I had something similar in the past. I’m not sure if it is the exact same, obviously, and mine came and went. I tried relaxing, heat, etc. and ended up going to my doctor, who gave me a muscle relaxant. I ended up taking one pill of it and that made it go away. It was… odd. I would guess that it was stress related, but I don’t know why it went away with only one pill!

      I would say try to relax, but if it stays constant or is still around on and off over the weekend, call your doctor.

      Best of luck!

    • Anonymous

      I didn’t see your post from earlier this week, but you seriously need to call your doctor immediately. You are having chest pains, and they have now been going on for several days. And if your doc tells you to go to the ER, for heavens sake, go to the ER!!!! It probably isn’t serious, but you never know. Someone close to me had chest pain, went to the urgent care where they determined he was having a heart attack, and by the time he got to an actual hospital, it was too late. So please, please call your doctor and do what s/he says.

      • preg 3L

        I also have a scary story about chest pain that went untreated for far too long. If your doc tells you it’s nothing but orders no tests, get a second opinion. The stabbing chest pain a person very close to me experienced, turned out to be blood clots filling his lungs (and he collapsed on the street on his way home from work one day, prompting the hospital visit that revealed the clots). Please take this seriously, but you’re smart to stay away from Dr Google.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          My friend got a blood clot in her lung from birth control and it was similar to what OP is describing. Please get checked out. If it is stress, they can also give you advice or pharmaceuticals to help deal with that too. Are you on any ADD meds? A too high dose of that can also cause similar pain.

          • Susedna

            Thirding this rec. This happened to my aunt, and her first doctor was also not super-responsive; it was the second opinion that saved her.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I don’t t think I caught your original post, but please read this back objectively – no Jon is worth ignoring health symptoms for. Pain is your body telling you to slow down, before it’s too late. I’m in big law too and I know what it can be like, but nobody will take care of you, but you. If you are burned out but still working, they will let you carry on until you collapse. Please see a doctor and I hope you feel better soon.

      • Tired anon

        Well, maybe if I met this Jon character he would be worth ignoring health symptoms for!

        • Woods-comma-Elle

          Indeed, I also didn’t mean to imply that yo were employed in the lady garden party business!

          • emeralds

            That’s how I read your post and it made me snort out loud in my (very) open-concept office.

    • Pink

      I sometimes get chest pain/pangs when I am stressed and/or sick. As an active person in my 20s I did not think I was at risk but had it checked out anyway. Turns out that if you had chicken pox or shingles, the nerve can get inflamed in times of stress and cause chest pain.

      • sa

        I’ve had it too when things get tough. One er trip diagnosed a panic attack and another heartburn. Both did blood tests and I had to wear a heart monitor for a week.

    • CapHillAnon

      I had this ocassionally over a few years (the worst was the first month of law school), and I finally figured out that it happens on days that I carried a too-heavy bag on my left shoulder. It was straining the muscles between my ribs, I think. It was terrifying and mystifying before I figured it out.

      BUT there are so many things that can cause chest pain, and you’ve been flirting with a serious feeling of burn-out, and some recent uncharacteristic behaviour (do I have that right?), so:

      Go to a doctor.

      Also, good for you for going to a yoga class! But 1 yoga class isn’t going to take care of your stress, especially if you just got two new deals. Take care of yourself.

    • Bonnie

      I have had pain like that from anxiety but agree that you should go to the doctor. Ruling out a medical problem, will put your mind at ease and lessen your stress. Yoga did help me with stress but not as much as walking/running/biking outside. When I need to get out of my head, I go to the park, and listen to podcasts like This American Life or America’s Test Kitchen.

    • Stephanie

      I’m a former big law associate and now an in house attorney with two kids and way too much crap going on. I’ve been getting this as well, and a few other things helped me come to the conclusion that it’s some kind of acid reflux- so yeah, basically heartburn. I also had a tiny dry cough with no congestion and some nausea, plus a whole lot of anxiety and general brain spinning out of control. I was about to try some OTC meds (other than Tums which I was already taking), but then it went away. So definitely see a doc, but just wanted to help out to say it’s not necessarily something major.

    • Pippi

      It may be heartburn/gerd/some similar thing. A lot of my coworkers who were formerly from a high-stress company have had it.

    • Pretzel_Logic

      I’ve had similar symptoms immediately prior to a panic attack (or in the several days before when I’m stressing out) and when I’ve had subluxation of my ribs because of crappy back alignment. Usually chilling the EFF OUT and/or getting adjusted at the chiropractor or getting a massage takes care of it, but go see a doc. A bunch of my family members have GERD and/or hiatal hernia and if that’s what it is, you want to nip that shizz in the bud. And of course if it IS your heart, you want that taken care of.

      Stress can do incredible damage to the body. It sounds like you’ve really been under the gun for a long time, and this stuff snowballs. I hope you feel better and I hope that in turn helps you address your burnout.

    • Anonymous

      It could be costochondritis, which is simply inflammation of the intercostal muscles (between the ribs). Scary yes, but minor and treatable with anti-inflammatories and rest if there is a particular type of exercise that is aggravating it.

      • Lyra Silvertongue

        +1. I had these same symptoms and after a very unpleasant and condescending ER doctor told me that at my age (25 then) I couldn’t be having a heart attack (which I had never claimed, just thought chest pains are worth checking out), it turned out to be costochondritis, which I’d never heard about before. Improved over the next few days and no further problems.

    • AnonInfinity

      I had this same pain once and it was pneumonia. I had no coughing, just pain and difficulty breathing. I ended up on antibiotics to treat that. My doc was surprised but remembered this and did x-rays or CAT scans on later patients with similar symptoms and has found it a few more times.

      Needless to say, I echo everyone above who says to go to the doctor. Chest pain is no joke.

    • biglawrefugee

      Seriously, call a doctor first thing Monday morning. I stuck it out in big law longer than most and know quite a few (former) associates who ignored physical and mental health issues that got much worse as a result. In fact, your post reminds me that I have felt a stabbing pain in my chest several times while working at my firm. I never consulted a doctor, but now I can’t believe I neglected my health like that.

      As others have said, listen to what your body is telling you. My current job is demanding and anxiety-inducing but the hours are reasonable, I have a lot more control over my schedule (“taking the weekend off” is not in my vocabulary anymore) and my colleagues are supportive. I still have some physical reactions to stress but I have not experienced that chest pain you describe since leaving big law.

    • TCFKAG

      Hey Tired Anon – so all these posts are definitely possible diagnoses for chest pain in women (GERD, strained muscle in the rib, stress, anxiety, inflammation in the intercostal muscle, etc.) I.e. – lots of things that are NOT early signs of a heart attack. But none of us can tell you over the internet that what you’re experiencing is *not* the early signs of a heart attack [read the early signs of a heart attack in a woman, its important to know anyway] or some other emergent medical condition – like a breathing problem, for example.

      Perhaps this weekend you should take at least a few hours off and go to an Urgent Care in your city. I know right now work seems like the.most.important.thing.ever, but part of surviving at Big Law is learning when and how to say “I NEED to take some time now – for my health – to go do this thing.” Seriously, if you tell the partners on whatever deals your on that you’re going to get checked out for chest pain, they will be understanding – because no one wants to be the one who denied leave to the associate who died in the office of a heart attack (that’s the sort of thing that gets you on ATL in a very, very bad way.)

    • Diana Barry

      Go to the dr. I had a pulmonary embolism a few years ago and it felt like that. Especially if you are on BC pills.

    • TOS

      This may sound odd, but yoga is therapeutic for any stress – keep it up, but if you think you need a doc, (and from my armchair perspective, it sounds like it would be at least informative) GO!

  7. LHH

    I’m new to the blog and I need to know more about this E**en character. The spelling? The caps? The TUCHUS! It is so funny!

      • Susedna

        Third the suggestion to read the ELLENWatch blog, but I think of her as how Bridget Jones would be if she were a lawyer.

    • ELLENWatch

      Unfortunately I maintain a blog all about her. Feel free to browse and submit any questions that may remain. (I’ve been posting with a bit of a backlog lately but I do my best.)

      • LHH

        OMG this is amazing. I really love this blog and there are some great conversations BUT I must confess, I search for her name daily and look forward to her posts.

        • Violet

          I agree!!! Ellen is a pissa! I come here every day just to read her posts! Stay away from guys who just want your tuchus!

    • Ashley

      I must admit, I am something of an Ellen fan.

      But I suspect ELLEN is a man or small group of comedy writers testing new material.

  8. anyanon

    Lovely dress.

    Question for all- if you wear this and you need to wear a br@ but don’t like strapless, is black ok? Skin toned? Obvs I’m clueless.

      • 2L

        I find those very uncomfortable and the look worse than a regular bra strap.

        I usually go skin toned or the color of the dress in those cases. Here, I’d say that either is fine, though I’d probably go with skin tone.

        I found a bandeau top at a store that I wear as a bra for these situations. It works really well, surprisingly (I bought it in a bind), because it has cups and more support than many strapless bras I’ve had in the past. I’m large of chest, so I don’t like strapless typically, either. The only issue with the bandeau is that it is straight across the top, so you can’t use it if the top/dress dips too low.

      • HSAL

        I’m normally opposed to the clear straps, but with something as busy as the top on this dress, I don’t think it’d be noticeable. I’d want to see whether the straps were too shiny, it’s worth a try.

    • Bonnie

      I’d suck it up and go with strapless. Seeing bra straps through the lace just ruins the look.

    • Jules

      Agree that the dress is gorgeous (but braless? not for us DD-F cups!). Coincidentally, a photo that popped up on my MSN home page just showed Nicole Kidman wearing an extremely similar dress, so good one, Kat!

  9. Anonymous

    Shopping challenge please! Black tie optional wedding to go to in October, in NY outside of the city. Need to be under 100, the closer to 50 the better. I am a size 10/12 and would like to wear a regular bra. Thank you!

  10. Associette

    Is “pregnancy brain” a real thing? Have any of you ladies experienced it? I am in litigation and pregnant and I feel like a complete space cadet lately. I am drafting things with typos, forgetting basic things (like rule numbers and passwords to the court’s website that I previously knew offhand) and making some weird decisions (which I only realize are weird when I look back at it in hindsight). Am I losing it, or can I appropriately blame this uncharacteristic behavior on my pregnancy?

    • Anon

      Have never been pregnant, but my mom has been pregnant and undergone breast cancer treatment, and she swears that “pregnancy brain” and “chemo brain” are both very real.

      • LizNYC

        I’m not preggo (yet…) but I take a med that totally knocks me on my b*tt once a week and I have moments where I’ll be standing in the food store and forget everything I was looking for. I’ve learned to either a) not go to the food store on those days or b) have a meticulous list I’ve written out beforehand outlining the needed items with aisle numbers. Sometimes I forget what words I need and just call specific things (like “Put that dish on the table”) “things” all day (“Put that thing on the thing”) — it leads to hours of hilarity for my and the hubs :P

    • Anonymous

      Def real for some people- it was kind of amazing the change I saw in my boss

    • Nonny

      Yes, it is so real. I used to think people who complained about “pregnancy brain” were using it as a cheap excuse for sloppiness. Then I got pregnant. Trust me, I will never write off other people’s pregnancy brain again. You are not losing it.

      • preg 3L

        +1. After struggling and beating myself up for getting lazy for about 2 months, I bought a little notebook that goes with me everywhere. Every single thing I have to do goes in the notebook. Also, if I’m in the middle of doing something (say, going to pick up dry cleaning) and I see (or hear) a baby, chances are I’ll forget what I was in the middle of doing.

    • Jules

      Yup, real. I posted both stories here before, but in the late stages I left a courthouse a few hours from home and pulled out with the file on top the car, letting pieces of the file go flying behind me in the parking garage. (A very nice clerk found most of it, mainly covered with tire tracks, picked it all up and shipped it back to me.) Then, I drove home from a couple of days in court out of town and wondered why there were two strange cars in the driveway. It was maybe a full minute before I realized that it wasn’t my house anymore — we had moved to another town, 20 minutes away, a full four months earlier.

      • Associette

        Jules that is hilarious. I laughed so hard my eyes started to water. This is totally something that could happen to me right now. E.g. I have, at least 3 times in the past month, brought home my laptop, and work to “work from home,” but forget the power chord to my computer. Ridic.

        • Jules

          Okay, um, I still do that . . . and my son has just started college. But overall, the pregnancy head went away about the same time that the baby started sleeping through the night and I got back to normal. Hang in there!

    • DC Association

      It’s totally real. I resorted to always carrying a pad with me and writing things down so I wouldn’t forget. Even in church. yes, in church I would pull out my pad and write things down!!

    • Ashley

      I suspect pregnancy brain, like menopause brain is hormone related. Yes, there is such a thing.

    • Anon

      I think it is real! I had never forgot my purse anywhere before ever, and when I was pregnant I left it in the dressing room once and at a restaurant once. I luckily realized it quickly and was able to go back and find it. That only happened to me while pregnant!

    • Anonymous

      Yes. I watched a movie last weekend and then three days later, I could not remember a single thing about the movie. Not a single person in it, not what it was about, not the genre, anything. I was telling someone about watching a movie and then all of a sudden, I was like, “Oh, I cannot think of one thing about the movie.” It made me really flustered. Embarrassed, too, but mostly flustered because it was such a weird sensation.

    • Another S

      Sadly, “mommy brain” is real too. For me, it’s worse than pregnancy brain. No clue how long it lasts, hopefully not much longer!

      • Senior Attorney

        Re: “Mommy brain,” when my son was a baby I had a theory that the placenta was really made up of the mother’s brain cells, which were never seen or heard from again after birth!

        • hoola hoopa

          Ha! This is exactly what it feels like! And IME, it gets worse with subsequent children.

          It is true. I did not believe it until I was pg with my first and experienced it myself. Now I feel terrible about some very insensitive remarks that I made when I thought others were just using pregnancy as an excuse for being lazy.

    • hoola hoopa

      Oh, and “The Female Brain” has a really nice section on brain changes during pregnancy. If I remember right, apparently it’s a mix of the sedative-like neurotransmitter cocktail and actual structural changes. Your brain ACTUALLY SHRINKS when it’s pregnant and rebuilds itself differently. Check it out. It made me feel so much better to know something biological was actually happening.

      • Nonny

        Yes, I read about one’s brain shrinking during pregnancy. I find this terrifying. My brain is my favourite and most useful body part and I am scared about losing bits and pieces of it.

  11. Anonymous

    Oh god, I’m moving to Chicago in December and I literally don’t own any real winter commuting clothes. Suggestions on cute, warm, business appropriate jackets? Good commuting boots for snowy weather? I’ll be walking pretty much everywhere.

    • Wildkitten

      I love Chicago but sometimes it gets so cold your face hurts. Prioritize warm over cute.

      • Lavinia

        +1. If you go for cute, you’ll just look ridiculous (and no one else will be trying to look cute while all bundled up).

    • Anon

      I second the Aquatalia recommendation. Also check out La Canadienne for additional options. When I moved back to a colder/wetter climate, I ended up wearing more dresses and skirts instead of pants. I could never manage to not get the hem of my pants wet. Dresses and skirts are just easier to wear with boots. Also, fleece lined tights are an incredible invention! As for coats, I have a few that I rotate through based on what I’m wearing. They vary in weight and style. I recommend getting at least one with some kind of hood. My hooded coat has a hood that looks like a cape when not in use.

      • CKB

        I live in Canada and love my skirts/dresses. I’ll go one step farther than fleece lined tights & recommend 2 pairs of tights. It’s amazing how much warmer that second pair makes you!

    • LoudyTourky

      I live in Chicago. You may want a cute winter coat, but you will also need a “it’s so *bleeping* cold that I don’t care what I look like” coat. Accept it. If your winter surrender coat is black you will blend in with all of other mummies on the street.

      • Mpls

        Also, emphasis on the word coat. Jackets are for spring and fall, coats are for winter. Get a hat, get a scarf, get gloves AND mittens. Mittens will be warmer than gloves for the really cold days. But chances are that you can shop for those things when you get to Chicago. Get a coat that covers your butt, especially for the freezing cold days.

        Also, just so you know –
        Cold – 30ish degrees
        Freezing – 20ish
        Frigid – teens
        Freezing too cold – 0 and below, but usually the sun is out.

        And come March, 40 degrees will be heavenly. Good luck!

        • Houston Attny

          So you can chuckle at Texans, we’re having a ‘cold’ front come through this weekend. People, it’s going to get in to the 50s at night! It’s all perspective, isn’t it?

          • anon

            I moved to California from Canada and think it’s hilarious what people believe is “cold” here!!

      • Avodah

        +1. I gave up looking chic. I commute in a giant North Face coat, snow boots, warm gloves, hat and a scarf. I just cannot wear a charming Kate Middleton coat when I am waiting on a Brown Line platform at 7:30am in February.

    • Anonymous

      Get a wool winter coat, like 3/4 length, and then get a black down (or synthetic) insulated winter jacket. If you can afford it get a north face/mountain hardwear/marmot 3/4 length coat that covers your thighs (covering some of your thighs will help a LOT with warmth). Everyone wears these and you’ll blend in. Get 1-2 cashmere or wool scarfs, a hat, and insulated winter gloves.

      • RED

        Agreed 100% on getting a wool coat (if you want to look formal/cute) plus a down jacket (if the weather get really serious). Best if both are at least mid-thigh.

        I don’t live in Chicago but had lived in an equally cold city for years. Northface is pretty standard when it comes to down jackets, but it isn’t necessarily “cute”. (Actually, I would venture to say that it’s hard to find “cute” down jackets. My best bet would be Max Mara).

    • S in Chicago

      You may find your coat wardrobe expanding quite a bit. I literally rely on several coats for different needs. At a minimum:
      –Fall/spring coat (40s and up)
      –Winter coat dressy (wool for nights on the town or when you’ll go from car to indoors without walking a lot and don’t want to carry anything too bulky–like a trip to the mall or to a business meeting where you’re literally going parking garage to building)
      –Winter coat day to day–down or down alternative that can keep you good 20s to higher. Again, not too bulky. This will be your mainstay for walking places.
      –The “damn, it’s freezing” coat (down or down alternative that is good for really frigid weather and longish periods outside like walking a dog). I wear a Northface arctic parka for this. You can’t get just the “damn it’s freezing coat” on it’s own though because it will often be far too warm. You’ll get too sweaty if you try to commute in it when it’s 20 degrees or similarly balmy. :)

      Also, scarves are your friend. Hats are nice, but you’ll want to shield your face so you don’t get wind burn.

    • Anchorageite

      Does anyone wear snow skirts in Chicago? They are *huge* in Anchorage in the winter. They ain’t cheap, but you can wear a waist-length coat and these bad boys keep your hips and thighs toasty. They have zippers on each side, that zip up from the bottom (like to make a slit as long as you want).

      http://www.skhoop.us/skirt-middown-red.html

      I have a mid-length. The mini length is cuter but less warm, and the longer length is warmer but less cute.

      • Susedna

        I have never seen these. (NY/Tri-States area)

        But having seen them, now I want one! I’m always cold when I’m downstairs at home and would like to avoid sweatpants.

      • Brrrrr

        I think they only exist in Anchorage because the US distributor lives here so she started selling them in our local stores. But REI picked them up last winter. They’re great! Nobody calls them cute but I’d rather be warm.

  12. DVF love

    I really, really like one of the DVF dresses and am about to pull the trigger, but I am worried it could be too short.

    http://www.dvf.com/bizzy-wing-print-dress/D7830047O13.html?dwvar_D7830047O13_color=WNGOD#cgid=dresses

    I am 5’5 1/2 and I need it to be appropriate for a non-work-sponsored profesisonal event where people will be wearing cocktail or business attire and where some people from my law firm and others from my greater network will attend. I do not want it to look too short/provocative.

    Yay or nay?

    • Anon

      Nay. I think that if a dress is described as “length is mini” then that is a no-go for professional events (unless you are super short and it would be significantly longer on you, which doesn’t seem to be the case here).

      • DVF love

        ok, you guys are right. Thanks for the words of wisdom. I knew this but needed to hear it from someone else!

  13. Calibrachoa

    I am so very happy I have the weekend fully and completely off. I want nothing more than to veg, veg some more, and listen to night vale.

  15. anon

    Question for the hive- is this suit (worn with nude hose and black pumps) appropriate for an interview at a corporate law firm? link to follow.

  16. Avery

    Bit of a spin off Tired Anon above. Has anyone tried any anti-anxiety medications? I’d like to have something on an as-needed basis. Lately I feel like I’m struggling to breathe, chest feels tight, etc., and I think it is due to ongoing low-grade anxiety. I know that a pill doesn’t solve the underlying issues, but I would like to find a quick fix for while I’m working on it. Does anyone have advice or experience?

    • CKB

      I had some anxiety issues when ds#2 was about a year old. Situational anxiety, I think my dr called it. He prescribed Atavan that I could take when I started to feel my stomach clench up. I used it for several months, once or twice a day, but not every day, until I could get by without it.

    • zora

      Yes, I have had some ongoing anxiety issues. For acute situations, my dr gave me a scrip for Klonopin, a very small dose for taking when I feel like I’m having an anxiety attack during the day. Having low dose meds has really helped as a first-step, and I have had to take them less and less as I have been able to get things under control.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Yes but for situational anxiety (flying, long car rides as a passenger, anywhere that I lack control) not on a daily basis. I have the lowest dose of xanax and can take up to three as the situation merits would be closer to a normal adult dose. I like it that way so I can take one on the way to the airport, one after going through security and one mid flight.

    • Kathryn

      I have no idea if it’s meant to be taken on an as-needed basis, but Wellbutrin. It doesn’t have a lot of the side effects that other medications do.

  17. Eeek!

    Ladies–any advice on good ways to keep a new dating relationship from moving too fast for me, physically speaking? I like this guy and he is super into me, but I like to move rather slowly in the physical department and because I was with someone for a really long time before this, it’s been YEARS since I needed to try to keep a goodnight kiss from turning into a LGP. I’m not timid and have no problem telling him this, but I would love some good ways you all have dealt with this in a way that keeps it light. FWIW, he is not pressuring me at all, and I’d like to engage in some good old fashioned making out but just want to slowly build up to other things.

    • Anne Shirley

      I just say at some point while we’re making out “FYI, I move slowly with these things.”

    • January

      Also, remind yourself that if he balks at a reasonable request to take things slowly, he is probably not the guy for you.

      • Eeek!

        Yeah, I’m not worried about that at all. Just trying to formulate a nice, cheerful, and not discouraging way to make that request.

  18. Susedna

    Mr. Money Mustache (personal finance blog) – Threadjack

    I finally went and read through a lot of MMM’s posts and I admit, my first reaction was:
    Dude is cray-cray and this stuff only works if you’re very handy w.r.t fixing things (and your dwelling), and if you want to spend most of your free time (from not having to have an employer) making your own [every consumer product.] I also think he’s a bit obnoxious about the childcare stuff.

    My second reaction was: OK, I think he’s a bit extreme, but that’s kinda his shtick, right? In the way that gurus tend to say that a really good method is not only a really good method but “the only true path to salvation,” to get attention.

    So, finally, I decided to take the “adapt runway fashions to real life” approach. What’s shown on the runway shows is extreme, eye-catching and probably unrealistic for most people. What’s workable is the general idea. (They may show draggy trains and hems, but my takeaway would be – maxi-lengths are back, rather than, I must wear 5 more yards of cloth dragging around my feet.) I like that his general philosophy is to try to maximize saving, but I also value my time. Even if I were to retire from my current line of work, I would so absolutely hate it if I then had to spend every waking moment in a DIY project and scrounging for a $XX bread machine on Craigslist.

    • MH

      I completely agree with your assessment of MMM. I went through a binge for a couple of days when I first found his blog and read a bunch of posts. Sometimes I just can’t stand him – he is smug and irritating, and his approach is unrealistic in a lot of ways. But, I think his overall message is a good one: you need to stop trying to derive happiness out of stuff, and out of consumption. I’ve taken little pieces of his advice and tried to make changes here and there when it makes sense for me. I don’t particularly want to retire at 35 because most days I genuinely like my job, but it would be pretty awesome if I could just live off the interest I was getting off my investments.

      Did you read his post about news? That one was particularly irritating. He basically said that he doesn’t listen to news or read it because it’s all spin. Instead he reads books . . . because apparently people who write books never inject their own spin. And you can get all the information you need from your friends, who I guess are allowed to consume news? Anyway, maybe I just didn’t get it.

    • Em

      I think he’s fairly annoying and suffers from a bad case of One True Wayitis. Apparently those of us who like our jobs should be rushing to give them up so . . . we can spend time doing things we like less? Because . . . reasons? He also, like pretty much every personal finance blogger as far as I can tell, seems to have bought completely into the Just World Fallacy. There is really zero recognition in his writing as far as I can tell that some people do get into bad situations through no fault of their own; or develop unexpected health problems (even if they eat paleo and ride their bike!); or even that, just possibly, our society might be structured in such a way as to make it very difficult for some people to get ahead.

      That said, I’m sure he’s a decent guy and it’s great he found a schtick that works for him. I agree with him about a lot of things and find the blog worth reading for that reason (as well as for hate reading purposes, to be honest). And I realize that nobody can be all things to all people, or should try. I just wish that more popular “ideas” people were more able to recognize that valid viewpoints other than their own exist; and that people who did put forth more nuanced and complex pieces of writing got the same recognition and acclaim as the MMMs of the world.

  19. Susedna

    Drat. I expect to be stuck here until 8pm tonight. A lot of annoying bureaucratic stuff that I pushed aside to focus on more interesting things have piled up to the point that they have to be done, by first thing Monday. Please humor me, dear C0rp0rett3s.

    Which fictional (TV/movies/novels) characters would you like to hire into your company?

    Me: Donna from “Suits”, because if you can get a totally kick@ss admin, it’s a total win for the team, the dept, and the company. She is smart enough to run the CIA if she wanted to, plus, she has plenty of sass.

    Also, Mary Shannon from “In Plain Sight.” She probably wouldn’t want to work in investment management, but she’d be amazing in private equity, mezzanine investing, and workouts. Amazing judge of character. She’d know if the CFO was lying and/or too stupid to execute on the plan.

    • MH

      Oooh, Diana from “White Collar” (I’m only on Season 3). And of course Kalinda from “The Good Wife.”

    • hoola hoopa

      Ha! Fun question. Sorry you don’t have a more fun evening to go with it.

      Drew Berrymore’s character in “He’s Not That Into You”. Weird choice, but stick with me. She was good at her job and took the initiative to successfully steer her client’s marketing in a way that was related to but beyond her required duties. And she got on well with her coworkers.

    • zora

      Omg, great game. And, I love BOTH of your choices! They are both totally amazing. I loved In Plain Sight, so sad it’s over.

  20. zora

    Another New Rule: Don’t Take Print Jobs Off The Printer, Try To Guess Who Might Have Printed It And Go Around Puttting It On Peoples’ Desks. just Leave. It. On. The. Printer. For. Gods. Sake. Please. Thank you I will go throw myself under a bottle of whiskey now. kthxbye

    • Susie

      Our printer does a cover sheet and we all complain about how annoy and wasteful it is, but I guess it prevents that from happening!

      • Anon

        To reduce waste, we donate our cover sheets to local elementary schools to use for art/scrap sheets.

      • zora

        I don’t love cover sheets, either, but it’s so much easier to just leave it on the printer! And assume that the person who printed it will eventually come and collect it.. there are only like 10 people in our office, i promise it will be okay. I’m just so tired of the endless conversations about whether I printed that document or not, Just, No.

      • Anonymous

        We used to have this but now our printers are set up with a secure print feature so we enter a password to release our print jobs. Not sure if your IT can hook that up or if your printer is capable but it’s been amazing at saving wasted sheets for us.

      • zora

        Oh, I’m sorry Wildkitten! ;o) I could never be mad at a Kitten! I mean, come on… a kitten!!

  21. Anon

    Does anyone have any experience buying designer bags in Paris or New York? I’ve been thinking of pulling the trigger on a classic chanel flap bag, but I’m not sure if I should do it at home in New York, or do it when I go to Paris this December. Does it usually end up being cheaper in either place?

    I’m also sorta dying over spending around $4k on a handbag. But it’s a classic, right?

    • scrubs and sequins

      In my experience, the expense will be higher in Paris. Although a charming little shopping expedition to buy a beautiful Chanel bag could be a highlight of your trip…:) If the price is more important than the buying experience, however, I am pretty certain it will be cheaper in NY.

      • Divaliscious11

        Although if you are there now, you might get a better deal once you get your VAT back since the exchange rates are the best they’ve been in years I hear….

        • ss

          Getting de-tax back at CdGaulle airport is like drawing teeth – long queue, grumpy people, big commission charges taken on your actual refund. You need to count on it adding at least an hour to the usual time to clear airport proceedings, often more.

  22. Pest

    This is a longshot, but worth a try- does anyone have a recommendation for a personal shopper at Nordstrom a Tysons in Vienna VA? Thank you!

    • Hel-lo

      All the personal shoppers I’ve ever tried around the country are wonderful. I’d just try one and see if you like him/her.

  23. Miss Behaved

    Ladies, I’m having terrible migraines and my imitrex prescription is not yet refillable. I sent a message to my doctor to get a refill anyway, but it’s a weekend so I don’t know if she’ll check. FYI, I’m getting the migraines because I haven’t eaten and I haven’t eaten because I had a terrible stomach bug yesterday. I even tried my imitrex injections, which I had intended to only take when I have the killer middle of the night migraines, but it didn’t work.

    So, please if you have any recommendations for home remedies, I’d very much appreciate it.

    And, in other news, I discovered to my dismay that now that there’s a new episode of Scandal, the previous episodes are not available on Hulu Plus. I was only halfway through the second season and I could certainly have used the distraction.

    • calibrachoa

      Migraines are evil. If yoi can get someone to massage your neck and especially back of your head where the tendons meet the skull. Tension in that area can cause or worsen migraine headaches.

    • Savannah

      Probably a little late, but I’ve heard that soaking your hands and feet in warm water while applying a cold compress to the back of your neck will help with a migraine.

      As a side note, Netflix has Seasons 1 and 2 of Scandal available for streaming. If you’re not already a subscriber, you might consider doing a two week free trial to catch back up with the end of season 2. Good luck!

    • Anon

      Butterbur is often prescribed in the UK. It’s an herbal supplement you can get at a vitamin store.

    • Anonymous

      Ice packs and take a benedryl. I’ve gone to the ER for migraines and they’ve given me benedryl on top of everything else. They don’t know why it works. Take Excedrin sparingly until you can speak with your doctor. Lay in bed and don’t do anything that will make it worse.

      You probably can’t get a refill until the week. Are you on a preventative? If you are running out of imitrex before the next refill you might want to start looking at preventative. You can also ask for a “rescue medication” which is a medication different from Triptans that still help migraines.

  24. zora

    ok, internet, i have given in to your wily ways and have gotten on the tumblr…. I haven’t really decided what my purpose is or what I’m going to post yet, but I want to be tumblr friends with any r e t t e s who will have me! Come follow me at zoradances.tumblr.com and I’ll follow you back and like your posts and reblog them and write you notes, i promise!

    • ExcelNinja

      I’m five years behind – I just got on Twitter! :) I’ll add you on Tumblr in 2018.

  25. Support staff?

    I’m a lawyer in a boutique firm. I have a busy practice that keeps me in court 2-3 days per week and I am responsible for 200+ files, so I have 3 support staff to help me get it all done. Each of my support staff have a very structured job description (determined by the firm, not by me) to promote clear expectations and efficiency. I’ve noticed that my support staff are using their job descriptions as a reason not to do work I direct them to. As an example, I asked my assistant to fax some letters and she told me it is not in her job description, implying that I should do this task myself. As another example, I drafted a court document and then asked my clerk to review the file and insert the accurate dates and she refused saying that it’s not in her job description to touch this particular document. (To be clear, I was not asking her to do any legal work, I was asking her to check the dates on some letters and add those dates into the blank spots I had left in the document).

    My work hours are becoming crazy(er), because I am having to do the work (that I believe my support staff should be doing) to meet deadlines because asking my support staff to do this work causes delay. I’m at my wits end and I’m starting to think that with support staff like this, who needs enemies? What do I do? They are employed by the firm rather than me directly, or I would probably fire them. I could start looking for a job elsewhere, but I like the work I am doing, I am getting a lot of praise from my superiors, and there is good opportunity for growth.

    For context, I am young, but I have managed employees before and have had an assistant (but just one) before at my previous firm without problems. For more context, the other lawyers in the firm are male and their support staff will do anything for them.

    • Criminal Defense

      Do their job descriptions have “other duties as assigned”?

      If not, I think you need to revisit their job descriptions with whoever their supervisor actually is.

      It sounds to me like they are trying to sabotage you. (Sounds like it’s working, too, unfortunately.)

      I left a job like this a few years ago, mainly because I wasn’t in charge of supervising staff that ostensibly worked under me. It was a total headache.

    • preg 3L

      Can you talk with the office manager or your supervisors about this? If you get pushback from above you — I agree with the rec to leave. You could always ask for additional support staff and/or different staff. Good luck!

    • SA

      I just had this same situation! I ended up hiring a “Right Hand Person” to do this stuff, but at the next review time they are all getting “Other duties as assigned” in their job descriptions. Ironically, they do all work for me, and did the “that’s not my job sh!t” review time isn’t going to be fun.

  26. Equity's Darling

    So, I just got an order of pants from J.Crew, the Paley pant, which I thought I’d love.

    There’s a lot of extra fabric between the waist and the crotch, so they bunch over my lower abdomen instead of lying flat. They fit my waist, legs and behind. I actually probably could size down in the waist, except that the smaller size would be too tight in the thighs and behind.

    Is this something a tailor can fix, or is this a problem with the rise/fit of the pants that isn’t even worth trying to fix? I’ve had this problem with other pants, and if I had this problem in the store, I wouldn’t keep them, but since they’re already here, I’m wondering whether it’s worth trying to fix, or if I should just be shipping them back.

    • Anon

      I don’t think this is something easily fixable. I would return them since you’ll be spending money on pants you don’t really ‘love’.

    • M-C

      Oh no! This would be heinously difficult (and expensive) to fix. Ship them back, quick!

  27. Susie

    I finally have a TJ Maxx find worth bragging about – I snagged these Sam Edelman strappy sandals http://www.6pm.com/sam-edelman-taryn-ice-shimmer-snake for $15! They are hot and seem (relatively) comfortable. They only had one single pair, and it was half a size up from my normal size but they seem to run a bit small so I think it worked out. Now I just need some place to wear them!

  28. Anon

    Going back to the thread about debt v savings. Ran into a couple tonight. they are paying their student loans at the expense of a 401k — not saving at all. Do you ladies think it’s better to pay your students and NOT save? Or contribute to the 401k (I’m maxing out) and then paying loans with what is left over (still staying somewhat ahead of the 10 year plan)? I now feel like I’m doing the wrong thing….I’m paying my law school loans on a 10 year plan but funding my 401k…is this wrong? guh. Should I pay more to my loans and forget the 401k? or not fund it max?

    • preg 3L

      If your 401k is making more in interest than the amount of interest you’re paying on your student loans, you’re coming out ahead. If your 401k is making less than the amount of interest you’re paying on your student loans, you’d be better off finding a new 401k fund and refinancing your student loans! My 401k is making about 10% and my student loans are all at or under 6.5%. It’s totally up to you and what you’re comfortable with though, and I’m sure others will disagree with my analysis here.

  29. anon for this

    Can you still call it casual s3x when you’ve been hooking up with the same person on a regular basis for years?

    • Monday

      I think it depends whether expectations have started to emerge between the two people–basically any kind of expectations. I also think if you’ve made any adjustments or adaptations anywhere else in your life, it’s not so casual anymore. That could include not bothering to pursue other prospects because you know you always have the “casual” guy.

      • anon for this

        Not expectations but…. we’ve been each other’s rebound repeatedly, and never manage to stay away from each other for more than 7 months tops. And that has included infidelity to other people we were seeing. There was one date back on the beginning but it never became anything at the time.

        Casual just doesn’t seem like the right word for something that’s gone on regularly for nearly 7 years even though there’s no actual commitment to be together there.

        • Monday

          I would agree, especially since (potential?) relationships with others have been affected. Proceed accordingly, whatever that means for you.

        • Silvercurls

          I’m wondering whether this long-term limbo is really the top choice for either or both of you. Perhaps you two are more compatible than you originally thought–especially if you keep getting back together? Maybe what you each need to do is to ponder whether this arrangement is the best possible choice for both of you–and if not, whether you do or don’t want to explore other options.

          Why do you two find s*x so easy to arrange while at the same time a mutual commitment isn’t happening? Not judging here, just fishing for something that might spark an “aha” moment for you; and also fishing for something that would help you clarify whether you consciously want to decide (or have already decided) to live this way, or whether you’ve just been drifting. The problem with drifting is that while you let a situation ride, the river of life continues to carry you along. It can be very sad to suddenly look up and realize that you’re in, say, Arkansas when you wanted to get off in Illinois (yes, I’m thinking about the Mississippi) and because you’re now much further downstream getting back to Illinois will be difficult if not impossible.

          Is “commitment” something that one or both of you would define as “something other than whatever happens when the two of us get together”? Would that “something else” be more or less glamorous, grown-up, harmonious, argument-filled, comfortable, uncomfortable, tranquil, or disruptive than whatever IS happening between the two of you? Are you (or both of you, or is the other person) trying to replicate–or trying desperately to avoid–whatever patterns you saw in the marriage of your parents or other close-to-you adults while growing up? Is everything great between you except for one huge thing that you don’t share (you’re both the same gender, you’re not the same gender, one or both of you comes from a family very committed to a particular identity (religious, non-religious, ethnic, national, racial, political…?)?

          Having a longstanding more-or-less casual relationship would not be my first choice, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be the first choice of you or your partner–or that it’s a bad way to arrange your life. Plenty of people lead satisfying lives that involve work, family, friends, and a special companion who does not become a spouse. (If one person wants a commitment and the other cannot or will not arrange his/her life to meet that desire, that’s not so good; but based on what you’ve posted, that doesn’t seem to be the dynamic here.) My bias is in favor of making an active decision rather than letting events do all of the deciding for you. Yes, we all have to adapt to whatever life hands us, but there’s a difference between adapting within the limits of personal preferences and simply floating along wherever the current takes us.

          Good luck. Sorry I ended up writing “War and Peace” in response to your post.

          • anon for this

            War and peace is welcome!
            That’s the thing – we never arrange anything, we just tend to end up leaving events together if we’re not there specifically with someone else. Sometimes without having spoken a word to each othet all night.

            I probably would say hey lets try another date now that I am no longer young and naive to fall in love just cause we fell in bed and ruined everything by being so eager and clueless but… there’s some other factors too to consider. Like the part where he appears to be trying to get together with a mutual ftiend (confirmed to be not interested the least) and my failed relationship with his best friend. (During which he repeatedly tried to get me to go home with him)

            Part of me is just kind of scared to say hey lets hang out just the two of us becauseb I’d rather keep the status quo than risk losing him completely – and if he thinks I am all clingy and stuff again That could happen.

            … this is all so high school. I know.

  30. Silvercurls aka Leo Tolstoy

    Short version: Maybe there’s something serious and good between you and this on-again-off-again-but-never-say-goodbye guy. Maybe there’s just habit, inertia, and/or fear of looking closely at the situation. It’s probably better to get a clear answer sooner rather than later–what if you want to do a PhD, get married, have kids, join the Peace Corps, follow your family religion, or not, or whatever, and it’s not happening because you’re stuck being sort-of-but-not-completely involved with this guy?

    Longer version (Anna Karenina?): Hmm. I’m going out on thin ice here only b/c I’m many years removed from dating and also not a professional counselor. Speaking of which, it might be very helpful to find a compatible social worker or psychologist experienced in helping people sift through relationships and relationship possibilities. The longer they’ve been in their field, the more they’ve watched people untangle the threads and interpret and respond to the underlying message–which can be anything from “marry the guy tomorrow” to DTMFA to JSFAMO (just say Fooey and move on…a catchphrase from this site). Therapists have also helped people get through their reactions, whether it be “How did I overlook this true love right in front of me” to “Why didn’t I see sooner that I really want [whatever person or experience is Not This Guy]?” or even “I want him, he doesn’t want me…oh well, next…”

    NOTE: If it’s a case of the last, well, try redefining “all clingy and stuff” as “I believe in formal commitments.” You don’t have to agree on your life outlooks, but you also don’t have to accept his bad interpretation of your opinion! And because you’re on this site in the first place, you probably deep down already know the difference between “clingy” and “wanting a clear relationship, even if does not happen with this particular guy.”

    If you were young and inexperienced it’s not entirely surprising that you fell in bed and in love at the same time. Love and s*x can be very complicated and nuanced even if we tell ourselves that we are modern, enlightened, empowered, braver than our parents, and not going to get stuck by doubts or insecurities even if a small internal voice keeps saying, for whatever reason, No! or Not yet! or Not with this particular person! or even Not AGAIN with this particular person!

    Unfortunately, each of us is the best interpretor of our own small internal voices. (What, there’s nobody around to just give me the answers? Um, no. Or rather, Yes, but there’s a good chance you won’t like the answers they give you. See under Dogma, Absolutism, and/or Intolerance. See also under My Way or the Highway.) It’s best for _you_ to clarify what you want for _yourself_ in this life.

    Re this guy: Do you like him as a person and find being around him is a good experience? Do you like being the person that you are in his company?–All these questions I learned from reading Carolyn Hax.

    It sounds to me that you are somewhat interested in starting over w/ him and doing it differently (better?) re timing of bed, emotions, etc. Sometimes this is possible, sometimes it isn’t, and the yes or no may be beyond your control. Sometimes this is easy to accept and sometimes it isn’t. I’m not saying you should criticize yourself for the rest of your life: I am saying that if you want to learn something from your past choices, go ahead. Except for murder, blatant betrayals of significant others, and other extremely bad deeds (insert here______) most of us are able to look back with regret before looking ahead chastened, but also educated AND able to say to ourselves “the fact that I made a mistake once does not mean that I have to stick with the mistake forever, or see myself as a bad person forever, or not be able to make different choices in similar situations in the future.”

    Good luck. You probably don’t have to find out all the answers in the next two days, unless one of you currently possesses a job offer in, or a one-way ticket to, someplace far away and hard to visit. And even then, there’s Skype and email and telephones and texting–not for forever, but for a while.

  31. anon for this

    Thank you :)

    Yeah back in the day I was ready to pick out china patterns after knowing him for 2 months so I worry he thinks I am still like that, never mind how bitter and cautious I have become.

    Sometimes I think he and I bring out the worst in each other, but at one hand it is almost comforting. Because yeah I know he’s a cheater. So, as it turns out, am I. And a lot of other not so complementary things. But he is not a bad person overall and has major redeeming qualities.

    I may just have to see if he is up for dinner for old times’ sake.

  32. SA

    My Lands End dresses came. I LOVE the fit of them, but don’t know what I was thinking when choosing the colors. I’m a redhead and one of them is “christmas tree green” the other is “dead leaf orange” I think I’ll wear orange tomorrow with tights and boots, but the green one might get returned.

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