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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 246 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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A.L.C. Cory Striped Stretch Knit Cropped Top | CorporetteSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Saks seems to have this outfit with the workwear, but I prefer it for the weekend. Note that it's a look that a LOT of brands are coming out with — the longish skirt, the cropped shirt, the matching. For some reason this look, among all of these looks, spoke to me. Was it the black and white? The sporty stripes? The vague pareo feel to the skirt? It feels modern to me — and yet I can imagine someone like Grace Kelly wearing it (with leather gloves and perfectly curled hair). I've overthought this. Just let the stripes overtake you. The top is $245, and the skirt is $395. Happy weekend, guys. A.L.C. Cory Striped Stretch Knit Cropped Top Here are a lower-priced alternative and two plus-size options. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. what to wear?

    I’m getting married in a quick courthouse ceremony next week. The big friends/family party we’re throwing in a few months matters more to us, but I still want to look and feel good next week. I’m planning on wearing a cream Ralph Lauren textured sweater dress, knee length, crew neck, three-quarter sleeves, fitted shape. But tights and shoes are baffling me. I can order pretty much any color tights, and I have lots of shoe options – purple boots? Burgundy flats? Navy wedges? Brown heels? But which? Help! Possible accessories also include a blue/gold shawl, if it helps.

    • anomom

      Congratulations! I too wore an ivory sweater dress for my quick courthouse ceremony 24 years (Yikes!) ago.

    • Lyssa

      I’m sure that you could do just about anything, but for some reason, I’m thinking that maroon or burgundy (or a similar dark red) tights with matching pumps would be just beautiful with the cream. Gold accessories, skip the shawl. But you’ll look lovely regardless. Congratulations!

    • Meg Murry

      Is it snowing/freezing where you are now? A gold shoe could look really pretty (and coordinate with a blue/gold shawl) but those tend to come in a more strappy, summery style that wouldn’t work if you are in a cold climate place. If it is cold or snowy, boots or booties are probably more practical but still pretty.

    • Bonnie

      Keep it classic so the picture doesn’t look dated in a few years. Is your SO dressing up or down? If up, then a suede heel and bare legs. If down, brown or black dressy heeled boots with matching tights. Congrats!

      • Anon

        I’m sure I’m not fashion forward enough- but I would do sheer hose and cream pumps!

        • e

          I also got married at the courthouse and I wore a cream colored sweater dress with knee high cognac boots (and nude hose for some warmth).
          The best part was that they were my favorite boots and every time that I wore them afterwards I got to member my wedding day. :)

          • Must be Tuesday

            I would probably do knee high leather boots in cognac or dark brown. Maybe with matching cream tights if only a tiny bit of them would be peeking out.

          • B

            Maybe navy tights with cognac boots with a gold detail? Maybe too preppy, but I can see that looking pretty but not matchy with a blue/gold scarf depending on the colors.

      • lawsuited

        Along these lines, I would do sheer hose and burgundy flats. Beautiful but classic.

      • Bee

        Obviously this is a matter of personal taste, but, really, no wedding is timeless. Your pictures will look dated in a few years no matter what you do. So, if you want to go for a look that’s a bit more trendy, my vote is embrace early 2015 and go for it.

    • Parfait

      Nude-for-you fishnets. If you have purple boots I don’t see why you aren’t wearing them for this and every other occasion.

      • NOLA

        Seriously. One of my coworkers has knee high cuffed flat purple boots and she wears them like a neutral with everything. I adore them and would steal them from her if I could. I always wonder what she will do when they wear out. They are awesome.

    • Anon

      I would do some fabulous shoes – some really nice designer shoes or something kind of ridiculous, like Aminah Abdul bow pumps. Or you could go for something more sedate – maybe a really nice pair of booties? Then I’d do skin-tone nylons, nude fishnets, or black. Black tights with black booties would be nice. Or you might do a really cool pair of lace stockings or black ones with hearts polka-dots on them. I suppose it depends on how cold it is and how long you will be outside. If you want to go with something you already have, I’d probably skip the purple boots.

    • Fishie

      Yay! Best wishes to you and your beloved! I’m tossing in a vote against anything nude or sheer. It’s a sweater dress, supposed to look warm and cozy. Your legs should also look warm and cozy, not nude. (Unless you live somewhere warm, and then I lift my ban on nude/sheer, but would then likely eschew hose altogether). As for hose colors – cream, gray, burgundy, navy? Then maybe some navy suede booties (something borrowed, something blue?). If not navy, then maybe a cognac boot of any height.

  2. Excel Geek

    Any suggestions for what to do with one day in LA next week? With my family (husband, 5 year old daughter, 8 year old son) and both sets of grandparents (in their late 60s). We’re all for getting touristy, and have a day planned at Disneyland already later in the week.
    Staying in Culver City but renting a car.

    • AnonLawMom

      Getty Center for beautiful views, gardens and art. You can bring a picnic too.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1

        Or the Getty Villa, which is a bit further up the coast in Malibu but also awesome.

        • Fishie

          +1 to either Getty. Peaceful and beautiful. I’ve seen lots of kids running around the grounds at the Getty Center which are a bit more expansive than the Villa.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      La Brea tar pits/Page Museum and LACMA. And there you are, right near all kinds of great lunch or dinner options when you finish.

      • phx

        Second this idea. I did the Getty Museum (not the Villa in Malibu) with a 6 year old this summer, and I would not recommend it. But the Tar Pits/Page Museum are fun. Also, consider Griffith Observatory. Jealous!

    • Anonymous

      If you don’t want to drive, it’s an easy metro ride from Culver City to the Natural History Museum in Expo Park, which my 5 year old loves. The other suggestions above are good too.

    • talktothemilkrun@gmail.com

      LACMA/Tar Pits are very close, but you could also try the California Science Center / Natural History Museum. Both are easy drives, but you can take the Expo Line to the Expo/Vermont station to NHM. You could also try out downtown LA – there is Olvera Street, Union Station, MOCA (cool but maybe not super exciting for the kids), Little Tokyo.

    • CKB

      Another day at Disney. If course, I love Disney, but honestly there’s no way you can do both parks in one day without either missing tons or driving yourself bankers and to the edge of exhaustion.

    • Pippit

      Exposition Park is a great idea- there’s the Museum of Natural History and the California Science Center, which has an actual space shuttle! The Rose Garden is nice for a relaxing break, too. Bring a lunch, or buy from the science museum’s cafe. There are not a ton of options right around there, as I recall.

  3. Anon in Minnesota

    That sounds very pretty. Purple boots in particular sound amazing and fun. Perhaps with matching purple tights? The navy wedges likewise sound lovely. (I like the “something blue” vibe.) Personally, I might lean towards a classic boot in a carmel-y brown, with a cream sweater tight that matches the dress.

    Congrats and good wishes to you!

  4. survey

    questions for the hive:
    (1) how long have you been at your current job?
    (2) how long do you plan/hope to stay?
    (3) what’s your profession?

    just trying to get a feel for career trajectories. seems like so many people hop around these days, it’s hard for me to imagine staying in one place forever.

    my answers:
    (1) 2.5 years
    (2) hopefully, will be out of here after 4-5 years
    (3) lawyer (currently biglaw)

    • Anon2

      (1) 2 yrs
      (2) I’m in my low 30s, but would happily retire here, but I’d love to put in a solid 10 years.
      (3) finance/ibanking

    • Anon

      1) 5 years
      2) at least a few more (like where i am a lot but two-income household with potential for geographic move requiring new job)
      3) in house attorney

    • Miss Behaved

      (1) 2.5 yrs
      (2) Until retirement, hopefully. I’ve been laid off a lot (see industry in part 3)
      (3) Higher Ed/IT

    • anon for this

      1) 5 years
      2) could see myself here for my career (a lot of senior managers have been here 15+ years) or as few as 2-3 more (considering grad school)
      3) publishing

    • NYNY

      1) 3 weeks (at previous job 5 years)
      2) not sure yet, maybe 5 years, maybe 20
      3) healthcare finance

      Career trajectories are really something that can only be seen in retrospect. Very few people have it planned in advance, and even fewer get to follow the plan with no surprises. The best thing to do is work hard, regularly evaluate your options, and be open to change.

    • Parfait

      (1) 7 years
      (2) 1 more year unless certain aspects improve. If they do, then indefinitely
      (3) Software

    • anon

      (1) 7 years (this is the longest I’ve been in any one position–everything else was more career-launching, rather than being IN-career–I was out of previous jobs within about 2 years or so.)

      (2) forever and ever (for reals)

      (3) local gov’t planning/development

    • Jordan

      1. 7 years
      2. forever or until I win the lottery or there is no longer a need for this type of law
      3. lawyer

    • CKB

      1) one month
      2) if history repeats itself, probably 3-5 years (I wasteland off from my last job after 4 years but I was probably on the verge of asking for a transfer or looking for something new)
      3) corporate/operational finance – I’m a controller

    • amberwitch

      1) 19 months
      2) 17 months for a total of three years – and mostly because it would look bad on my CV to job-jump
      3) IT

      On a related note, how do the rest of you stop yourself from becoming extremely bored once a job is no longer new and nervewracking, but has become familiar?
      Or is it totally normal when your self image is that you are on a positive career trajectory where you have to aim for something better and bigger all the time?

    • Anonymous

      (1) 5 years (about 1/2 career)
      (2) I’ll get promoted within next 5 years (waiting on a retirement) – then until I retire, seriously. This is the job and employer that I always wanted. I have one more step until I max out my current ladder. I could lateral, but it’s completely acceptable to stay at the top (about half lateral, half stay, both respected) and it’s what I want.
      (3) Research

    • Anon for This

      1. 1.25 years (was here for a year, then left to clerk and just came back)
      2. I could stay forever, although ideally I would make partner and then become GC of somewhere (a girl can dream!).
      3. big law associate.

    • Anonymous

      1. 4 years
      2. probably another year or two. ready to leave now but I need to stay for a little bit more
      3. Biglaw associate

    • Rogue Banker

      1. 2.5 years
      2. I could potentially see myself retiring from this COMPANY, but I want out of my specific POSITION as soon as possible. Another year or so till I’m eligible to move up :)
      3. *points at name* :P

    • Flower

      1) 4 years
      2) within the next 6 months. Partially because I’m over the company and partially because of relocation plans.
      3) non-profit/IT

    • Anonymous

      1. 4 years
      2. As soon as possible. I’ll give it probably another year or 18 months when I look for a job I really want, then I’ll leave for anything.
      3. Biglaw associate

    • Alice

      1. 2 years and change.
      2. Forever, if it was in the right location. Sadly, for geographic reasons, hope to move on in 2-3 years. I’m deathly afraid I won’t find anything in new location that I like as much.
      3. Government lawyer.

    • cbackson

      1) 2.5 years.
      2) Until I retire as managing partner or become general counsel of Facebook.
      3) Biglaw senior associate.

  5. Meg Murry

    Wah, I’m having a mini pity party, because my job might not be around in 30 more days. I always knew this was a possibility when I took this position, but was reassured by my bosses that they were going to do everything in their power to keep me around – and they’ve been trying. But now it looks like everyone’s hands might be tied due to inter-office politics that have nothing to do with me or my department.

    WAAH! Time to have a pity party over the weekend, then back to some real pavement pounding next week (not just the half assed way I’ve been doing it up to now).

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s! I am VERY late to the party tonite b/c Frank broke our wireless rooter after he got something out of the closet, and then dropped the rooter and it broke, so we had NO INTERNET at work later this afternoon thank’s to him. FOOEY!

      As for the OP, Hug’s to you. I cant tell you how many time’s my job was taken away from me, but like my DAD say’s, you just have to get backup on the horse. For many years, I did NOT know what he was talkeing about b/c I am a pretty good horseback rider (not as good as Rosa, but still good). I have been working now as an attorney for 6 year’s and hope to be abel to stay in my job forever now that I am co-chair of our WC department, but I recognise that the manageing partner is probabley goieng to retire in a few years (once he hit’s 70 is my guess), and he will want for me to be the MAIN RAINMAKER for the firm while he goe’s part time.

      What is funny about that is that I was the first that wanted to go part time, but that depend’s on me finding a GUY who is decent, has MONEY, and will MARRY and mate with me so that I can stay home and bring up the kid’s. But so far, all I have found are loosers who are interested in haveing sex, but NOT in marrying me so that I can have babie’s and be a stay @ home MOM! FOOEY on men that just like to huff and puff, but NOT take the last step and marry us after we give them sex. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      So in all likeleihood, I will wind up staying here as the new manageing partner, and work full time earning money for the firm. I must do 7500 hours this year, and Frank is already telling me that I will NOT be abel to take 3 week’s off unless I bill 50% during my time off. Myrna want’s to go on a vacation this winter to a place warm, but How can I bill 50% of my time w/o haveing my file’s? I do NOT want to take files on vacation, or work at home b/c then I will NOT be on vacation! DOUBEL FOOEY!

      Myrna’s brother texted me and want’s to come over and watch TV. I said that my dad is comeing in so I can’t make it. I do NOT want him over here w/o Myrna b/c he like’s to stare at my boobie’s. You would think that he can look elsewhere for boobie’s, but eviedentley, not the case. But he is NOT goeing to see my boobie’s b/c then it would be awkward being freind’s with Myrna, b/c I would be embarassed to tell her what her brother did with my boobie’s. FOOEY on that!

      So I wish the entire hive a great weekend off, and to stay warm! YAY!!!!!

  6. thiss1te issue?

    kat, recently, whenever i hit “post comment,” my comment seems to disappear. no posting-too-quickly message, no your-comment-is-in-moderation message. the page just refreshes without my comment. sometimes my comment never shows up, sometimes it appears hours later. i don’t want to double / triple / quadruple post, but then i also don’t want my comment to be lost forever either. not sure if this is my fault or the s1te’s or something else. just happened while i was posting from a mac using chrome, but i think it may also happen in safari, and also in firefox on my laptop and iphone.

    • Meg Murry

      I was having this issue and apparently my comments were getting spam filtered. I’d suggest trying the spam test recommended in the “please report it to the tech team” link below the comment box with your usual username and email.

    • hoola hoopa

      I was having the same issue earlier. Some seemed to eventually post. All may have eventually but I stopped looking.

  7. awful hair help

    Help! My hair is awful. Awful! It was thick and pretty in my 20s, and now I’m 34 and it’s kind of thin and limp, with no luster.

    It’s fine, but there’s still a lot of it. Yet it almost sticks to my head in a helmet-like fashion. It just has no life to it. And this is with regular cuts (every 3 months).

    My current style is a couple of inches past the shoulders with longer, sideswept bangs. It looks okay if I set it with a bigger-barreled curling iron, but it looks terrible if I air-dry it or blow-dry it and don’t heat style it after that.

    I know nothing about hair products, and I’ve been using Herbal Essences regular formula (in the yellow bottles) shampoo and conditioner for years. Could a different shampoo help? Do I need to start using something nicer than drugstore shampoos? Any advice/ideas/suggestions would be awesome. I’m at a loss.

    Or do I just need to accept that I don’t have good hair?

    • Meg Murry

      I used Herbal Essences for years on my fine hair, and always thought my hair was stick straight, and super slick and wouldn’t hold a curl. But when I switched around to different shampoo and conditioners, I started to actually get some body in my hair. I think the Herbal Essences just way over conditioned my hair, and/or I was using way too much conditioner.

      Also, my hair gets very limp and dragged down once its passed my shoulders. Would you be willing to go between chin and shoulder length? Or get some layers put it that are shorter? My hair actually looks best super short and has tons of volume then, but I can’t keep up with the every 6-8 week cuts.

      • awful hair help

        Interesting! What do you use now? I’m starting to wonder if I’m just using the wrong products. And yes, I am definitely willing to try a shorter cut, but the problem seems to be more at the roots/overall texture.

    • Bonnie

      You can try products that volumize and texturize but what may help the most is to cut your hair a little bit shorter as the length may be causing the flatness. If you want to keep the length, consider getting layers cut into it.

    • ITDS

      Switch shampoos. Even just try any old little travel sized one you get at the drug store. I find my hair gets used to any given shampoo, so if it’s just not behaving I take a vacation from my regular shampoo on a weekend when I don’t need to worry about my hair.

      • NOLA

        I have thin, fine hair and mine gets weighed down by product after a while. I usually use Rusk brilliance but I bought the Rusk clarify shampoo recently and it worked beautifully to get the excess product out. And bonus, the new Rusk shampoos are sulfate free. FWIW, with some clarifying shampoo on occasion, I use the Rusk brilliance, then the Thick spray (always first), then the brilliance spray-in conditioner. Thick volumizes and textures and the leave-in helps it keep a style. I blow dry just to straighten then style quickly and spray. My hair is pretty short – I think that looks best with my hair type. I can go maybe shoulder length but not much longer or it will look like a mess.

        • Sacha

          Same experience. Also the Loreal Ever____?? line of sulfate-free have changed my hair completely.

    • KittyKat

      It sounds like you have product buildup. Use a clarifying shampoo once a month, it will strip your hair to prevent it from being weighed down.

      • CKB

        You can also use club soda or a mix of baking soda & water to remove build up. Also will remove chlorine from your hair. But be cautious with the baking soda if you color your hair

    • Calico

      I have the exact same hair as you. The only thing that has worked for me is a scrunchie! Ok, hear me out. I wash and blow dry my hair every third day. After I dry it, I throw it up into a bun with said scrunchie. When I take it down after an hour or so my hair has volume and a bounce to it. I put it back in the bun at night and have bouncy hair again in the AM.

    • anon

      Any chance that there are some curls or waves in there? If so, embrace them! You will enjoy it far more than being a slave to your iron & dryer.

      If you feel like your hair is plastered to your head, as others mention, it could certainly be product, but it could also just be the weight of your hair. Try a pixie or a short shag. Or a bob with layers. The bob is a little harder to maintain looking clean, you definitely have to stay on top of trims regularly. But the pixie or a shag doesn’t require quite as much maintenance.

      I started to embrace my waves (which became significantly more wavy & curly in the past few years to now being able to hold a ringlet without heat–just product and finger-styling) and use shampoos and conditioners specifically for curly hair, and it has been amazing the difference. I use Shea Moisture Raw Shea Butter conditioner currently. I recently switched to RenPure argan oil shampoo & conditioner, but I rotate the shea in when I want to do co-wash or just get a real deep moisture. Oil is definitely not an issue for me, but I get flatness on top, with dry/frizz/flyaway at the ends, and I have a short shag (eyebrow bangs, earlobe sides, cropped to my hairline in the back. The longest layers on top are about 4″ long) I style with Catwalk curls rock amplifier at home, and garnier pure clean finishing paste for a little more hold. When I get out of the shower, I immediately flip my head over and comb with a wide comb and distribute shea moisture curl milk throughout, and then wrap in a cotton t-shirt (NOT a towel!); I put about a pea-size dollop of Catwalk in when I’m ready to style, and finger-scrunch with the blow dryer on hot/low speed. I dry to about 95%, and then just let it sit and set. Spray with suave ultrafine hairspray. I refresh the style by just running damp hands through hair and re-scrunching.

    • Flower

      I have a lot of really fine hair, and my hair looks lifeless too much past my shoulders. It looks stringy and just sad no matter what I do. Cut it to or just above my shoulders? It looks great. I would definitely recommend at least trying a shorter hairstyle.

    • Duchess

      I agree about switching up your shampoo and conditioner. It’s a bit excessive, but I have four “flavors” of Tresemme in my shower at any given time, because I used to have the same problem as you. As soon as I started rotating between shampoos, my hair got so much more life back. I would also consider checking out your blow dryer. The air intake filter on mine got covered in dust and who knows what else and was blocked. The air coming out of it got INCREDIBLY hot and my hair was getting really damaged. After I realized what happened to my blow dryer and cleaned it out, my hair is looking fuller and feels softer again.

    • anon

      mousse? it can be drying, but if you don’t wash your hair everyday it might help give it volume and texture. also suggest switching shampoo and conditioner and or only conditioning the ends of your hair…

    • Fishie

      Maybe try out a new stylist…perhaps a fresh eye could make some adjustments to your cut/color/products to give your hair new life.

      If you’re not coloring your hair, you might want to consider highlights. I have very fine hair and highlights help to give me some texture. All-over color just makes my hair a greasy, slick, sad-helmet.

    • Ekaterin Nile

      I would strongly recommend not using conditioner or using it once a week. I have very fine, thin, straight hair, and conditioner totally weighs it down no matter what product I use.

      I also use a volumizing spray every day and blow my hair dry upside down before styling (round metal brush and blow dryer). Your stylist should be able to recommend one.

      Finally, a shorter cut with layers/texture might be a good idea.

    • Trisha

      My hair is super fine. It looks best when it is cut short and I use hairspray at the roots while I am blowing it dry.

    • Latte Tuesday

      I agree with all the points about switching shampoo and trying a clarifying shampoo.

      But one last little point from an MD- if your hair is thinning significantly (you said it was thick in your 20s and is thin now) consider a trip to your GP or dermatologist to make sure its not hypothyroidism or a vitamin deficiency.

  8. Blonde Lawyer

    I can’t remember if it was this forum or another one I follow but someone wanted to sign up for Capital One 360 and wanted a referral for the $50 sign up bonus. I had responded that I didn’t think the deal was going on because on my log-in, it only mentioned me getting $20 if I referred someone. Well, I actually clicked the link and it does still say you get $50 for opening a checking account and $25 for a savings account. If you are still looking for one, here you go.

    https://r.capitalone360.com/DM8VkuD2fM

    If it wasn’t this forum, my apologies but I don’t have time to search the old threads at the moment but wanted to correct the bad advice I gave.

  9. Meg March

    Anyone up for some Friday-afternoon vicarious shopping? Looking for 2 things:

    1. Light grey shoes to go with a floor length blush bridesmaid’s dress. Not more than 2″ heel. Wedding is in August, so something strappier would be ok. Under $100.

    2. Clothes that you’d take on a romantic beach vacation. I have everything I *need* but am on the lookout for some fun additional pieces– whether that’s a swimsuit, a cover-up, or something else!

  10. Allie

    Long-time reader in need of some spousal / parenting advice. [Apologies if this turns into a duplicate post.]

    I have a five-week-old son, and I am taking 10 weeks of maternity leave. My husband took off a week after our son was born, but now he is back at work. I am struggling with whether my expectations of my husband are reasonable, and if they are, how to communicate them to him.

    His job is stressful and requires long hours (my job is comparable). I don’t expect him to compromise his job security by coming home early or putting in less effort. But when work permits it, he will do things like go to a coworker’s going-away party, or dinner with friends + hockey game, or vendor holiday parties (that he doesn’t use to network, just chitchats with coworkers — he has told me that they are useless from a business perspective). This weekend, he plans to stay out Friday night and Saturday evening / night, and also to work at least one day. And he asked me whether I would mind if in a few weeks he goes on an overnight recruiting trip because some college acquaintances live in the city where the recruiting will take place (he is not a recruiter, and it is not expected or required or typical of him to do something like this, and it won’t win him brownie points with his superiors; he just saw an opportunity to travel and stay overnight for free and thought it might be fun).

    Even when he is home, I have to ask him to do individual tasks; it would never occur to him to proactively unload the dishwasher, feed the baby (much less actively play with and talk to him), fold the laundry, etc. In fact, he got annoyed last weekend when, while the baby was asleep, I decided to fold laundry while he watched TV.

    I understand that he is much more outgoing than I am — the week he was home with me after the baby was born, he complained a number of times about how pointless the days were, and how depressing it was that he hadn’t left the apartment. I also get that I tend to view the house as a place that needs to be maintained, while he sees it as a place to decompress. And I acknowledge that my love-language is the labor one, while his is physical affection (and I have not been very physically affectionate with him since giving birth). But I also could really use his help at home, especially since I am pumping exclusively (baby is severely tongue-tied), so that takes up what little free time I might otherwise have to do things like shower and laundry and cook.

    Thus far, I haven’t said anything to him because I’m not sure that I’m being reasonable in expecting him to “work” at home. Plus, I don’t want to nag him or make him feel like parenting is an endless chore. And often when I try to initiate a difficult conversation with him (or anyone), I end up crying, which makes the whole thing very uncomfortable and makes him sad. But it is really bothering me, and I think it is negatively affecting my feelings for him — for example, last night, as I nodded off (he was already asleep), I had a brief and very frightening nightmare where he dropped the baby because the baby had spat up on him and I couldn’t find a spit-up rag quickly enough. Made me realize how upset I am getting at the situation

    So: What more, if anything, can I reasonably expect of him? How can I communicate my needs/expectations to him constructively?

    Thanks so much.

    • Hell no

      Ain’t no way I’d allow my husband would act like that after we just had a baby. You’re not on vacation, you’re working hard taking care of your kid all day and desperately in need of some grown up time / relief from being the parent-in-charge. You guys are in survival mode right now (and will be for some time — with my first I’d say we finally got out of it about 8-9 months in). The sooner your husband gets that things change with a family, the better.

      This reminds me of the guy on the Biggest Loser whose wife just had a baby and he now “plans to join a softball team” or something to stay fit… I died laughing when they said that. Uh uh, no way… not if he wants to stay married.

    • mascot

      1) You are in survival mode. It won’t always be this physically hard. You will sleep again. You and H will figure out how to divide the labor. There’s a learning curve with a baby and that’s normal.
      2) My husband froze up because he was afraid he would do something wrong and he had to look to me for direction. I repeatedly assured him that I was winging it too and he just need to jump in a figure it out. Tell him what he needs to do, be it dress the baby, feed the baby, etc and let him do it “his way”
      3) Tell him how you feel. Tell him your hormones are still wacky. (If you are having increasing anxiety/mood swings, check in with your doctor to make sure there isn’t some post-partum mood issue).
      4) Both of you will feel like you are giving 110%. This is hard work. Resist the urge to keep score. Many aspects of parenting are boring/chore-like. There’s no sugar coating that.

    • anon

      Honestly, you are a huge doormat. I cannot believe you haven’t said anything to him.

      • Maddie Ross

        I don’t think that’s fair – I think this is a very, very common problem among new mothers. And it’s a hard situation because you are both coming at things from a very different perspective at this moment. Unless he really is a heartless jerk (and that seems unlikely, so hear me out), you just need to find a time when you are hopefully feeling like you won’t cry, and talk to him. You need to share with him that you can’t do it alone, and you need his help. And you need to tell him explicitly what you need (i.e., I need you home by whatever time, 4 nights out of 5, and I need you to not take voluntary work assignments until the child is 6 months old, or whatever it is that’s importnat to you there, and I need you to do the dishes the nights I make dinner, or whatever). And frankly, you need to do this now, before you go back to work, because it.won’t.get.easier. once you go back.

        But, do respect that from his side, he cannot help pump for the most part, you likely calm the baby better than he does, and you’re home with the baby all day. My husband felt very isolated at the beginning. He didn’t know how to help. So he threw himself into work because he could do that and he understood that.

        • JJ

          I agree with completely. This is such a hard transition phase, without even going into hormones and sleep deprivation (and pumping! ugh!). It sounds like you need to tell your husband exactly what you need. When he suggests these happy hours, do you tell him “Hey, actually, it would be best if you come home after work that night?”

          And if you need to tell him chores (did you have to tell him to do housework and chores before the baby was born, as well? I’m betting you did) then tell him what to do. He may be an extrovert and he may be cooped up in the house with the baby, but them’s the breaks when you have a newborn.

          Also, your baby is 5 weeks old. How physically affectionate is he expecting you to be? You probably haven’t been medically cleared yet!

          • Bewitched

            Agree and Agree. No one has gotten used to anything at 5 weeks! Not you, not the baby, not your husband! People are being so unkind with the doormat comment. It’s not true and things will get better. My husband sort of thought that maternity leave meant I had all kinds of time for everything baby so he wasn’t “needed”. Once I told him what would really help me, he stepped up his game. Also, some people aren’t really “baby” people-not to say they get to pull that card, but it’s just harder for them to get adjusted to a baby who cries a lot and can’t really interact yet. It takes times. Also, as others have said-your hormones! Things get a lot better by 3 months, so just try to hang in there (survival mode), try not to take it personally, voice what you need, and outsource if possible. If you can, get outside as much as possible to combat the “prison” feeling that a new baby can bring. Hang in there!!!!

        • anon

          +10000. SO hard to transition yourself, let alone figure out how the relationship dynamics are going to work.

          Hugs, and know that it’s not just you. Sounds like a lot of us have had the same tumult.

      • marketingchic

        That’s a tad harsh. Speaking as someone with two kids, the first weeks are by far the hardest. Issues like you mention are easy to gloss over until you’re in this extreme no-sleep all work situation (ugh -exclusively pumping – I feel for you. A lot of men never really have to grow up until they have their own kids – they (like my husband) were raised in households where they never helped out. One of my goals in life is to end that cycle with my own kids. You’ll talk to your husband about this. It will be okay.

        • Ally

          A lot of men never really have to grow up until they have their own kids – they (like my husband) were raised in households where they never helped out. <– This is so true

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Not just men. I was raised in a house where my mom did everything. Kids did no chores. My husband has had to teach me how to clean, remind me to do laundry, grocery shop etc. He basically had to show me how to be a grownup. I found a mess overwhelming and didn’t no where to start because I was spoiled and never taught those skills.

          I’m also not at all a baby person. I don’t know how to “play” with an infant that can’t do anything back. I have no idea how to talk to an infant and I would feel like I was talking to a wall. Frankly, babies scare me. Toddlers I can deal with. He probably just has to figure out what to “do” with a baby. That might take time.

          I would expect him to scale back his social life and work life some but not 100%. I have worked at places where it is seriously frowned upon when a new parent (Mom or Dad) goes from leaving at 7 to leaving at 5:00. He shouldn’t be at work just to be at work but you shouldn’t set rules that force him to bail when he really should be there.

          You probably see him getting home as you finally getting a break. He probably sees getting home as finally taking a break. If he takes over baby care 100% when he gets home, when does he get his break? Just some food for thought. (ETA that you should each get breaks in the evening. This may take some switching off or getting some other help.)

          You absolutely need to convey to him what you need. What I am hearing from you though is that you don’t want to have to set rules. You want him to want to come home and play with the baby and help you clean the house. You want him to say “out of town work trip, no thanks, I want to be with my baby.” Unfortunately, you are not going to change the way he feels and make him want to be with the baby. That will have to come on its own. You could suggest he do a better job faking it though. You could frame it as a positive for him. If you felt he was choosing you over other options more often than not, you would be a lot more supportive of the times he wants to do other things rather than come home.

          • Samantha

            I love your honesty, Blond Lawyer! I am similarly a bit incompetent (and disinterested) with home stuff and it’s helpful to hear that I’m not the only one.
            It seems that people expect women to automatically have a higher standard for home care and are shocked to hear that my standards are lower than my husbands in this regard!

    • gouda

      Two ideas. 1) Would hiring a cleaning service help you? You sound (understandably) exhausted. Outsourcing cleaning would reduce your workload and keep you from getting annoyed at your husband for not cleaning. 2) Is possible your husband feels incompetent around your son? You’re obviously the baby-expert, having been on maternity leave. Maybe explicitly ask him to care for the baby on his own. For example, ask him to play with the baby and feed him while you go grocery shopping/ get a haircut/ meet with a girlfriend for a well-deserved lunch out?

    • Alice

      +1 to mascot’s “You are in survival mode.” It is NOT unreasonable to ask for and expect help.

      I know you say you are more outgoing than he, but when do you have alone time / decompression time / friends time? Caring for a baby all day / night is also working, and you may want to consider scheduling some time for yourself to go to a spa, visit with friends, curl up and read a book, whatever. This could have the added benefit of allowing your husband to take care of your child on his own, which could really benefit both of them down the road.

      Also, is taking some parental leave possible for your husband, perhaps after you return to work? So he has time to develop the skills and the confidence to take care of your child on his own?

    • anonymous

      I would never allow this. I would expect my partner to be a full partner and share the burden equally. Since you’re on maternity leave and he isn’t, he gets to go to work, but then has to devote the rest of his energy to supporting you and your kid. Anything less and I think you’re letting him take advantage.

      You need to communicate this expectation and put it in fairly concrete terms. Also maybe he doesn’t know how much you’re struggling with things, so I’d probably tell him that too.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        In your scenario, when does he get his break though? Work is still work and being on maternity leave is work. They both need breaks in the evening not just her.

        • Anonymous

          News flash sweeties- new parents don’t get evening breaks. Or sleep. Or time for themselves. Neither of them. It’s incredibly incredibly difficult and requires more than you knew you had.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            If you mean that one of them will be in charge of the baby while the other cleans the house then I am totally fine with that. I thought you were saying he comes home so she gets a break and he gets no break. I read it wrong.

      • another mom

        +1. The doormat comment from “anon” above was unnecessarily harsh (especially for a new, sleep deprived first time mom) but this comment captures the same sentiment in a kinder way. Nine to 5 (or whatever) it’s his job to be at work. During that time it’s your job to tend to baby. Outside of those hours you absolutely must figure out how to be a team if you want to maintain your sanity and keep your marriage intact.

        Did you talk about this before the kid arrived, and he’s not following your agreed upon plan? Or has this never been discussed? Either way, you need to talk ASAP and make him realize that he’s a parent now.

        • hoola hoopa

          +1

          Needing to be told specific ways to help isn’t uncommon, particularly if you’ve typically handled household tasks. If he’s tired or stressed, he may be grumpy, but he should do them.

          I’m concerned about him thinking that he gets to do all the extracurriculars right now. The first weeks are HARD. It’s all hands on deck. That deck is his job during working hours, but outside of that he’s working alongside you at home. I’m freaking bored and cabin-feverish as heck when I’m on leave, but that’s life with a newborn. You must work this out to maintain your sanity and marriage.

        • Coach Laura

          Another Mom has it right.

          My SO was the same. With my first, I needed to attend a once-a-year conference for my job at 9 weeks, when I was taking 14 weeks off. At nine weeks I flew off for the conference for five days. SO never again asked “what did you do all day and why are you still in pajamas at 5pm?” I suggest that the OP leave baby with Dad for 2-3 hours on Saturday or Sunday, every week. Get a pedicure, massage and have lunch. Hubby should also get 2-3 hours off on Saturday or Sunday to go to a bar, watch sports or see friends. All optional work activities (happy hours, recruiting trips, etc) are just not in the plan for the first few months.

          Also, I pumped a lot with both of mine but we started mixing in formula at about six weeks. Pumping around the clock – without a baby nurse or full-time household help – is not sustainable in my opinion. Nursing by itself is sustainable but with pumping you still have to feed the baby. So pumping and feeding = 24 hour care. Pump, feed, change, pump, feed, change…repeat. No wonder Mom is tired.

          Consult with a lactation specialist but I’d suggest cutting down the pumping to every four hours at night and letting Dad take a feeding. Mom can sleep from 9pm to 1am. Dad can handle feedings until 11. That way Mom gets at least 4 hours uninterrupted sleep. Dad can then sleep from 11-6 as he needs to be able to function at work.

          And when you go back to work, make sure that the night feedings are equitable then too. I had a girlfriend who told me that her husband finally admitted that he faked sleeping through their baby’s cries: She thought he was just a heavy sleeper.

          • Latte Tuesday

            Have you spoken to an MD about getting the tongue tie cut?

            It’s about a 5 second procedure, the baby stops crying with a little sugar water right after, and if the tongue tie is severe, it will likely need to be cut anyway when it starts causing speech problems later in life (when it is a bigger procedure too). If it’s causing an inability to latch now that’s a reasonable indication to get it done if you’re open to it!

    • kc

      Yes, you should say something to him. First of all, parenting sort of is a huge chore when you have a newborn. It’s just the way it is and it doesn’t last forever. He needs to be home as much as possible, you need a break too! And he needs to pick up some household slack, but I’m guessing he didn’t do that pre-baby so it’s not going to change now….Maybe he’s just nervous he’s going to do something wrong so he doesn’t do anything. Maybe he doesn’t feel bonded with the baby since you take care of him most of the time. But he needs to step it up.

    • Nope Nope Nope

      I’m sure your husband has redeeming qualities, but he sounds like a lazy chauvenist. And you sound like you’ve gradually accepted his microaggressions for so long that you now consider them reasonable. They are not.

      It’s his house and his baby just as much as they are yours, and they are his responsibility just as much as they are yours. I say all of this not to criticize him but to show you that you are NOT unreasonable to expect him to pull his weight. I realize you have five weeks left of maternity leave and are using that as a reason to take up his slack for now, but do you think he’s going to change his apathy once you go back to work? (Pro tip: he’s not.)

      If he complains about the days being “pointless” again, point out that if he would do something (anything) helpful, he might feel more meaningful at home. This has nothing to do with either of your “love languages.” It has to do with getting things done that must be done. You don’t work for him.

      There are two issues: 1) his absence (not for work, but for parties, games, and unnecessary out-of-town recruiting) and 2) his failure to contribute. You mentioned that when you bring it up, you cry and he gets upset. Have you considered writing a letter? (Not that I believe you have time for that with a baby and a house full of chores with which no one is helping.) If it’s a letter, you’d be able to correct and perfect your approach and be more intentional than in a conversation where you both might get upset.

      The bottom line is that he should do everything he expects you to do, and he should not do anything he wouldn’t expect you to do. If he doesn’t want to stay home for three days with the baby and you out of town, then he should not go out of town for three days. If he doesn’t want to stay home with the baby while you are out on Friday and Saturday night, then he shouldn’t leave you at home with the baby on Friday and Saturday night. If he doesn’t want to do every single chore and buy every single grocery and clean up every single mess, he shouldn’t sit back while you do those things.

      Please stand up for yourself. Do it as gently as you need to for your marriage, but please do it. I am sure your husband has women in his workplace, and I would hate for them to suffer from his chauvenist attitude the way you are.

    • Wildkitten

      I am 100% extrovert and I can unload the dishwasher. Those are completely separate characteristics.

    • KLG

      I agree he needs to be more of a homebody these days and that you guys are in survival mode right now.

      I did want to say that while my husband was helpful and present after the baby was born, I did have to ask him to do things because it didn’t just occur to him to do them (wash pump parts, empty the dishwasher, cook dinner) and he was not that in to the baby. Now the baby is almost 8 months old and is much more interactive and he is totally and completely in to it. I think at first he was like “it just eats and sleeps,” whereas now he can make it laugh and play with it a little. He did stay home from work a few days a week right after I went back to work and I think that really helped him to bond with the baby. Any chance of your husband taking another week off when you go back to work?

    • Mrs. Jones

      You should expect much more from him. You will probably have to spell it out in no uncertain terms, since apparently he is clueless. Pumping is almost a full-time job. He should be doing anything and everything else, when he’s not working.

    • Anon

      Just tell him. “Hey husband, I need some help raising this baby that you fathered. Let’s work out a schedule.” and then you can come up with something – like he takes care of feeding the baby while you sleep after dinner until say 11PM, then you can take another duty, then he can feed the baby in the morning or after work, or take point on Saturdays or whatever. I don’t know why he’s doing such a poor job, but sometimes people don’t step up because they don’t know what to do until you tell them. Let him know that it’s ok if he doesn’t know how to take care of the baby, he can figure it out with practice. I have a friend whose husband is like yours and a year later, she can still barely go out for an hour once every few weeks before rushing back because her husband is a jerk.

    • Meg Murry

      Regarding the communicating: it’s hokey, but using “I feel” statements or “It makes me feel like” statements can work. Like “It makes me feel like you think all household management is my job since I’m on maternity leave, but I need your help around here with dishes, laundry etc, and I’d like you to do it without me having to nag you about it”

      Regarding the extroversion – can you suggest he invite a friend or two over to hang out and drink beer (and hold the baby while you sleep or hang out so you get some socialization too)? Or would that be worse because they would be in your pumping space or you would feel you would have to clean the house or play hostess to them (neither of which you have to do).

      Regarding the hormones and feelings – I was exclusively pumping and I definitely called my husband at least once a week sobbing that I needed him to come home within the next hour or two because I was about to lose it for the first 3-6 weeks. I feel you. Have you gotten much sleep? Seriously, I know exclusively pumping sucks, but try to get at least one 4 block in a row of sleep every day – it really can make you feel less crazy.

      Regarding the dishes and laundry – don’t forget, its ok to revert to paper plates and takeout/delivery regularly (every meal) when you are still in this survival mode. And if you have high personal standards for home cleanliness – lower them temporarily, its ok, it gets much better once you get a handle on this “taking care of a screaming, puking, tiny human thing”.

      Last, regarding exclusively pumping – go on Amazon and order yourself another set of pump parts. Or six. Totally worth it. And count as a “lactation supply” and are therefore HSA/FSA eligible. And you do know about the trick of putting the parts in a ziploc bag and the bag in the fridge, not washing in between every pumping session right? Unless you have a preemie or otherwise immuno-compromised baby, that should be fine.

      Good luck. Deep breaths. You can do this.

      • another mom

        To piggy back on exclusively pumping – agree with the extra parts, putting parts in the fridge, etc. At my house we followed the “I cook, you clean” rule. As in, I made the milk, so DH was responsible for washing everything and making sure it was ready for me for the following day – he did a combo of handwashing and the dishwasher (look into cages for the pump and bottle parts if you go the dishwasher route). He knew it wasn’t like normal dishes where he could just put them off until morning if he was tired, busy or feeling lazy… putting them off meant his kid couldn’t eat!

        Also, on the tongue tie, have you considered getting it corrected (clipped or lasered)? It’s a quick, easy procedure at your son’s age, it’s a bigger deal if you wait until he’s older.

        One more thing, not really related to EPing or BFing: I’d highly suggest you get out of the house. Even if it’s just an appointment for a pedicure or going to the grocery store or something (or, if you’re exhausted and have a car, drive somewhere and take a nap). Tell DH you have to leave at X o’clock and you’ll be back in 2 hours. At x o’clock, you hand over the kid, you leave. He figures out how to manage with the kid. Might even learn a trick or two that he can pass along to you. He feels empowered. Repeat at least twice a week. Slowly start to feel more human.

    • Anonymous

      Parenting IS an endless chore. Your lazy man child husband goes out drinking because he’s irresponsible, a bad father, and an inconsiderate husband.

      Stop trying to make him feel happy. When he says “I’m going out” laugh and say “nope! Remember we have a baby? You’re coming home to take care of it.”

      Srsly. Start now or you’ll be divorced in a year.

      ETA: just read all the crap comments about how he totes might just not know what you need. Oh come the f on ladies. It’s no secret that laundry needs to get done, dishes need to be washed, babies need snuggles, moms need sleep. He’s a grown up gainfully employed man. He’s not entitled to be ignorant of life.

      • JJ

        Yes, all these experienced moms that said they went through the same things with their husbands must be wrong. It’s much better to make sweeping generalizations and conclusions about moral failings.

    • Bee

      This may be tough so early on, but you should really take a couple hours off one evening. Go to dinner. Or a movie. Or anything not baby. If H thinks it’s acceptable to leave you at home with baby all the time, he should have no problem with you going out, right? This also accomplishes the following: (1) H gets to spend some time alone with the baby, and may come away with a better appreciation for what you’ve been doing. (2) You get to have some adult interaction, too.

    • AnonLawMom

      I’m not going to repeat what the other posters said but I have found one thing quite effective when dealing with one aspect of your issue so I will share. If your husband does not help around the house, you need to simply state that you do not have the energy or time to do X, Y and Z. If he wants to do them, great. If not, you will outsource. Sign up for Amazon Fresh, get a housekeeper, whatever. And then just do it. Sometimes your husband may think – hey, it’s ridiculous to pay to have someone do that so I’ll just do it. Sometimes he won’t. In either case, you have more free time. But do not do what you are currently doing, which is just picking up his slack and making him feel like there are zero consequences to him not contributing.

      • Burgher

        Second this. I am super pregnant and told my husband that I just cannot continue to do all the deep cleaning ( like bathrooms and floors) and that I was going to hire a cleaning person. Amazingly all the bathrooms got cleaned that weekend. We typically share household duties 50/50, but sometimes the man needs to pick up the slack…. and it can be 40/60, especially when pregnancy and infants are involved.

    • Watermelon

      It’s totally reasonable to expect the baby’s father to share in the work when he’s home and not do anything outside of what’s necessary at work and home unless you’re getting sufficient breaks too. It’s unreasonable for a new father to go out for fun when his wife is struggling at home (and still recovering from child birth!). Also, I would argue that taking care of a newborn, particularly when milk making and night feelings are involved, is so hard that you need more breaks than your husband.

    • Trisha

      He has no business going out as much as he is. He needs to stay home with the baby one or two evenings so YOU can go out, even if it is just to the mall or for a quick pedicure. You need a maid even if just every two weeks. As far as chores, what chores do you hate that you want him to do and what chores does he not mind? We all have our preferences. As far as the baby is concerned, make sure you aren’t super picky about how he does things. However he does them is just fine. Men don’t like to feel like they aren’t doing things properly.

    • Belle et Rebelle

      My daughter is 7 weeks old, so I’m navigating this right now, too. No, your expectations of your husband are not unreasonable. I’d definitely talk to him and tell him you need him to be home as much as possible right now and you need him to be more involved. And I really liked the suggestion for outsourcing stuff as much as you can.

      My husband is generally very egalitarian and helpful, but I found that he did not really jump in with a lot of the direct baby care unless/until I was so exhausted that I broke down in tears or started asking him directly to do X or Y to help with her. It’s gotten better with time, I think partly because he’s gotten more confident with her and partly because I’ve gotten a bit better about asking him to take her when I need a break. I’m still doing more of the baby care, but it’s not quite as lopsided as before.

      I’m still in the early stages of this, but everyone tells me it does get better, particularly around 3 months or when the baby gets to be about 10 pounds and can sleep for longer stretches. I’m counting on all that being true. I can say that it’s better for us now than it was even two weeks ago.

    • Michelle Howard

      I’m seconding the idea of using your double incomes to call in some outsourced help pronto.

      Cleaning, prepped meals, and a sitter to give you a break during the day and allow you to go out with your husband in the evenings and weekends.

      It would seem that your husband has no energy left at the end of the day to help. He has a high performance career and he has a need to socialize outside the home and unwind. It would be good for you to hire a nanny so you can rest and join him out in the evenings.

      Don’t expect him to change or expend extra energy because you just had a child. It sounds like his job takes a lot out of him. I think you should accept his limitations and take the $$ hit to support both of you during this tough period.

    • In-House Europe

      This is super late in the weekend (already Monday here) but I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in – as a mom AND as a tendency-to-laziness extrovert.

      As a mom, as everyone else has said, you need to make him aware that just taking care of the baby is a really hard and taxing full-time job (harder than going to work!) so in the evenings he needs to take over baby-care so you get a break. E.g. He gets home at 7, so from 8 to 10 PM he is in charge of baby (assuming baby isn’t sleeping by then). you also should get out of the house 1-2 times a week without the baby, so that H can learn how to care for him (her?).

      As a lazy extrovert, I have to admit – all day Saturday at home with the kids (now 5 and 2) drives me CRAZY. And I tend to not think about things that need to be done around the house. What has worked for us – I take the kids and meet up with other mommies/parents to get us all out of the house (or we have them come to our house). And husband reminds me about the things that need to be done around the house, or we have a standing agreement about who does what. In both cases – communication and gentle reminders have worked wonders.

      Good luck – you will get through this!!

  11. Anon

    Are you kidding me? Now the fashion industry thinks we’re doing exposed midriffs at work? And just when the ruffles on everything had gone away !

    • Anon

      I know. I can’t believe this was in “work wear”. This is why I sometimes wish I could work at a magazine or at an office set in a TV show – the wardrobe options would be endless!

      • DCR

        What line of work would this dress be appropriate for? The only jobs I can think of where it would be acceptable to show your stomach at work, you wouldn’t be wearing a dress like this – lifeguard, exercise instructer, stripper. (Not trying to be mean, I really am just wondering)

        • Monte

          Stylist? Makeup artist? Fashion blogger? Retail associate at certain clothing stores? I think there are places that you can wear this to work and be appropriate, but not a ton. Calling this workwear is just silly.

  12. anonymous

    Just venting, and I suspect many on here won’t find this reasonable. I am SUPER irritated that people keep calling me Mrs. husband’sname, in circumstances where I wouldn’t necessarily expect it. The immediate catalyst is that my apartment’s management keeps calling me that, only put his name on our mailbox etc, even though I’m their major point of contact for everything, and when they have to pull our file to call me, my name is on it, associated with me and my phone number. It seems like it would be less work to just use the name listed. I chose not to change my name for a reason, but it seems to not matter much anyway. grrr.

      • anonymous

        Can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not, but yeah, there’s a part of me that feels that way. But don’t worry, I’ll behave.

        • KLG

          You don’t have to burn it all to the ground, but I don’t hesitate to correct people when they get my name wrong. I know that in the grand scheme of things whether the ever rotating incompetent management staff at my apartment get my name correct is not a big deal, but it’s my name. When they say “Mrs. Notmyname, I was calling about your maintenance request” I say “actually, it’s Mrs. Myname.”

    • Anon

      I initially wasn’t going to change my name (mainly because I just didn’t feel like it – no rawr feminist reason) but I got a new job four months after the wedding and did it on a whim in the week between jobs. Before I changed it, though, this happened to me. Same situation – I was the primary on the account, and they kept using Mrs. Husband’s name anyway. It drove me nuts, too.

      • Wildkitten

        The fact that this convinced someone to change their own name into a name they didn’t want to change it into makes me even more mad!

    • Anon in NYC

      Oh, I completely understand. I thought I wouldn’t mind being called Mrs. HisLast, but it turns out that I really do.

    • Flower

      My mother never changed her name, and so I grew up witnessing this. My favorite was when they had a portfolio at an investment firm, and the investment firm couldn’t figure out that she had a different last name, despite continually be corrected. They didn’t stay with that investment firm long.

    • Alice

      This has been happening to me, and I’m one of those who honestly doesn’t mind from friends/family, but do mind from others, for some reason. But I’ve been really, really surprised at some of those who make the mistake! I had assumed it would mostly be older people, a generation or two above me, but no, it’s a lot of contemporaries. Holiday card season was interesting.

        • N.C. anon

          I changed my name when I got married, but my husband and I were both amused that my dad accidentally addressed our card to He and She MyMaidenName.

      • lawsuited

        I always address holiday cards to “The HerLast-HisLast Family”. It seems the most egalitarian approach unless I’m absolutely sure of their preferences. (My own preferences are complicated – MyLast at work, MyLast-HisLast socially, and HisLast on social media where I want to be difficult to find by the name I use at work – so I don’t make any assumptions after people get married.)

    • momentarily anonymous

      I just correct people. I do it politely, like KLG suggests above. It’s an understandable mistake to make 2-3 times, but after 2-3 reminders,you should just…learn my name? After the first correction, it’s kind of lazy to assume I have my husbands name, but understandable. After the third, it becomes rude, as the person is essentially saying they don’t care enough about me to learn my name.

      FWIW, I feel the same way about people who are “bad with names” and can’t remember my first name after meeting me 3-4 times. You could remember my name, you just don’t care enough to do so.

    • Fishie

      That’s annoying. I do laugh though when the opposite happens – when I book hotels under my name and the staff refers to my husband as Mr. Fishie.

    • SuziStockbroker

      This drives me insane. Worse I’d when my children get called by my husband’s name. We hyphenated the kid’s last names.
      I get that is not “the norm” so its OK the first time. But the 7th time. RAGE.

      • Trisha

        I would hate if my last name were hyphenated. At some point, it will be insane. A person could have six names in hyphens.

        • SuziStockbroker

          Well, it wasn’t my first choice either. It was a compromise.
          My birth name , which I kept, is hyphenated. My kids have part of that name, hyphenated to my husband’s.
          You don’t have to just keep adding names/hyphens.

          • Anonymous

            But then you’re still dropping a name, and which one usually gets kept? The paternal name.

    • be nice to the kids

      I understand getting frustrated, but if/when you have kid’s and their friends call you Mrs. Husband’slastname, please be understanding. Despite this being more than 20 years ago, my childhood friends and I still rememeber and talk about a couple of mothers who were very direct (to the point of rudeness) when we called her the wrong last name accidentally. Being trained to never call adults by their first name at that age and often forgetting random surnames of our friends’ mothers (6 year olds have limited brain space) we often were left in an awkward position where we just obviously avoided calling them anything at all… it’s hard to put into words how weird a situation this was and strangely there were a several women in my community who did this.

      • Trisha

        Yes! This. Because one way to identify the family is by the family name. I don’t care if you take your husband’s name or not. Make up a name. But don’t whine about being identified as a family.

      • Coach Laura

        True story:

        Setting – My son’s third grade classroom.

        Teacher: “Andy Smith’s mom Sue Smith is coming in on Thursday to talk about her career as an architect.”
        Andy: Wright
        Teacher: Right, Mrs. Smith
        Andy: Wright
        Class: Guffaws, because they understand
        Teacher: Class, why is this so funny?
        Andy, exasperated: It’s Sue Wright not Sue Smith.

        Of course this is only funny because Andy’s mom kept her name and her last name was Wright, not Smith.

    • Belle et Rebelle

      My feeling on this is that if it’s someone I don’t have regular contact with or who doesn’t have reason to know my last name is different, I don’t really mind. For example, if my husband arranges for a repair person to come, I don’t care that they assume we have the same last name. But if it’s someone we have regular contact with or a friend or family member, then yes, I expect them to remember and use my last name.

    • Liz

      This might sound a bit weird, but since I’ve been correcting people about my birth name, and my parents names, and whether or not we somehow manage to still be a family since as long as I can remember (kindergarten?) I’ve had to reframe this a bit in my head. Instead of focussing on my annoyance at that person, I remind myself that sexism is reinforced and taught to people in a million tiny moments. So instead of being annoyed that it happens, I’m ok with correcting people in a matter-of-fact way because I see it as a tiny act on my part against sexism. The more people who are exposed to different families and ways of being and naming, the better odds that the next generation can fight other battles. It’s hard to remember this mindset sometimes, but I do find it helpful to try to step back and make this my reaction instead of frustration.

  13. Aunt-to-be

    Hey all, gifting advice needed.

    My sister just told me she is expecting her first baby. I know she is insanely excited, but also she just found out and isn’t really telling people yet. But I kind of want to send her something nice and sentimental to say congrats and show her I’m super excited about being an aunt for the first time (biologically, any way).

    I was thinking:
    – one of my favorite books as a kid, a very nice hardback copy with an inscription to my future niece/nephew. Probably Peter Pan or Anne of Green Gables.
    – something maternity-related and funny that she will be able to use once it’s public. Like the “Don’t worry it’s not coffee, it’s decaffeinated Whiskey” mug from pregnant chicken.

    But do any moms have any ideas for something you got that was particularly useful or that you really loved getting from someone really close to you? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      My sister got me Burt’s Bee Belly Butter, Vitamin E Oil, and Bath Salts. I used them all during my pregnancy. (The stretching of skin is very itchy.) She also got me a flowy shirt to wear pre-maternity clothes, which is great for early pregnancy and post-pregnancy.

      • Anon in NYC

        This is a good one. I think my husband is scared to give me a massage.

      • hoola hoopa

        Bingo! This is all I really want when I’m pg and I’m not usually a spa day kind of girl.

        I like your ideas, though, OP.

        Oh, and one of my friends gave me a card that said “Pregnancy is the best reason to feel like sh!t” or something of that nature and I LOVED it. I think she gave me something else small, but I can’t even remember what it was – but I still have the card.

        • Aunt-to-be

          Haha! That is cute. ;o)

          Thanks everyone, my parents and I are definitely going to get her a series of massage and pedi certificates for the next several months ;o) I was more trying to think of the small more keepsake-ey, sentimental thing I want her to have and keep. But these are all very helpful, I’ll be checking all weekend so keep the ideas coming!

    • AnonLawMom

      Massage or pedicure (or both!). Or, even better, a series of pedicures.

      • christineispink

        FYI re: the pedicure, depending on how closely your sister is following the “do/do not” list for pregnant folks, one of my pregnant friends is avoiding them b/c something about the chemicals in the various salon lotions/salts and the nailpolishes. I’ve googled salons that use all organic products and the 5-free nailpolishes for our spa day.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m not a mom but when my closest cousin (we are basically sisters) got pregnant and told me early, I got her a stuffed animal for the baby and a toy for the dog as a big brother present. She seemed to love them both.

    • Samantha

      I’d suggest getting her a gift rather than a baby item – there will be plenty more opportunities to buy baby stuff once she makes a registry etc.
      Gift card to maternity store, cute coffee mug that you mentioned, pregnancy body pillow (U-shaped) are all good ideas.

  14. feel so down

    Just a vent. I am a government lawyer with 4 years experience and want desperately to move back to MA. I am applying to tons- state, nonprofit, firms, etc and I just never hear anything. I just want an interview somewhere. I have done well at interviews in the past- I just cannot get my foot in the door right now. I just feel so so down and just needed to tell someone- its so hard to keep submitting applications and get nothing (not even rejections).

    • Anon in NYC

      Hugs. Have you put your desire to move back to MA in your cover letter? If not, that might help.

      • feel so down

        Thanks for the hugs, I honestly needed them. I have, I just have the feeling that no one is looking at them. It feels like everyone gets hired by someone they know, and I just dont have those connections right now. Working on trying to build them though.

  15. Manhattanite

    I was given a copy of “let’s panic about babies”, and from someone else copies of baby411 and baby bargains. The former is funny, the latter were super helpful.

    Be sensitive to any desire on her part to wait until after the first trimester before really considering this a real thing. You don’t say how many weeks she is, but you might at least wait until she’s seen a heartbeat.

    After the baby is born, I’ve loved getting my nieces/nephews (and my sister has loved receiving) copies of books she and I loved when we were little, cd’s for music we listened to as kids. She gave mine an engraved cup. I gave hers a first dishes set, a music box jewelry box.

  16. Closet purge

    In the midst of doing a clothes purge and realised that when it comes to denim, some of my pairs are only worn out in the crotch area but the rest is just fine. I don’t think donating to Goodwill is a good idea since I doubt anyone would buy them in that condition but I am reluctant to just throw them in the trash. So I’m wondering if there are places that recycle denim (or even corduroy), I think Gap did so at one point?

    What to do with socks where one in the pair has a hole and the other is in good shape? Or what to do with the lone sock i.e. where you can’t find the other one. Is there a way to re-purpose some of these items?

    Any other tips when it comes to cleaning up one’s closet?

      • Meg Murry

        Or use the lone sock or hol-y one as a one time use dust rag. Good to put on your hand and wipe down ceiling fans or blinds, then turn inside out and throw away.

        Also, buy socks in multiples so you when you lose 2 socks you still have a matching pair, instead of mis-matched lonely socks.

    • Brit

      If the lone sock is large enough, wash it, fill it with rice, sew it up and then you can use it as a heating pad type.

    • LilyStudent

      Lone socks go in a lone sock bag. Every couple of months, any that haven’t found a pair, along with things like totally worn out jeans, go to charity – although they can’t be sold for clothes, they can be sold for their rag value. I generally make up a bag and label it as rag. Oxfam is my first call in the UK, but if you call around I’m sure you’ll find a charity that collects ‘rags’ for the value of the weight of the fabric.

    • Batgirl

      My farmer’s market recycles textiles so I bring any too-beat-up-to-donate clothes there for recycling. I would google “textile recycling” if you’re in a city.

  17. anon

    Ladies, just need some perspective. I’ve been dating my bf for over a year and a half. Despite everything I’m about to say, we truly have a great relationship and are planning on spending our lives together. I’m already in therapy and trying to figure out/heal my insecurities so that’s covered.

    I’ve always been insecure- in this relationship and past ones. My bf is supportive about it and things are getting better, slowly. He is a super social person and has lots and lots of friends- guys and girls- whereas I am social but not as his level. This is something I’ve had to learn to adapt to and be okay with. As I said, it’s gotten better.

    I don’t want to go into the details but a couple weeks ago my insecurity got the best of me (which tends to happen when I get into a fight with my mom- totally unrelated yet major issue in my relationship with bf- weird right?) and I snooped. To make a long story short, I found out that he chose not to tell me that he “hooked up” (not sure how many times, maybe it was a regular thing) with a friend in college who he is still friends with and who we see fairly often though she does not live in the same city. She is part of his close circle of college friends. I met her (and his other friends) about 2-3 months into our relationship and at that point he chose not to tell me. I don’t know why, he didn’t give his reasoning. I have no reason to believe anything inappropriate has happened between them since we started dating and they never hang out one-on-one. She was not super warm toward me at first though she has been more friendly the last couple times we hung out.

    I don’t plan on telling him what I did and I realize that the anxiety this is causing me now is my punishment for invading his privacy. BUT. Is it unreasonable of me to want him to tell me stuff like this? I feel like everyone (of his college friends) know, it’s like this secret, and I’m in the dark. I feel like a chump. and part of me is worried he secretly has feelings for her still. How does one hook up with a good friend and then just not have any non-platonic feelings for them? I don’t feel betrayed exactly… but I feel upset. Has anyone dealt with a similar issue?

    • Anonymous

      Girl. Clearly he didn’t tell you because he knows you are irrationally insecure and jealous and didn’t want it to be a big thing. CLEARLY. And he was 100% right.

      No, this isn’t the type of thing you just get to assume you know. Because it’s really really not a thing.
      And now, in this perfect forever relationship, you’re snooping and lying. What part of that seems perfect to you?

      Of course people hook up and don’t still have feelings for each other! They stopped hooking up because it wasn’t working for whatever reason.

      You need to be honest with him that you snooped and are now cray-jealous. And then you need to break up with him. You’ve posted about these issues before right? Whether it’s you or him this is not what a wonderful relationship looks like. Get out of it.

      • anon 2

        I think this is unnecessarily harsh. He didn’t tell you at 2-3 months probably because that’s a time when relationships are fragile…and then it probably became weird to bring it up later. I bet it doesn’t matter at all to him and it’s all in the past. I have friends in my college friend group who hooked up and are still friends–and they’re all now married to other people and it’s fine. No one has feelings for anyone else because they’re adults now with other lives.

        I agree with OP’s point that this anxiety is the price to be paid for snooping. Resolve not to snoop again. Trust your partner. If he’s given you no indication that he has feelings for this other person, then he likely doe snot have any feelings for her.

      • anon

        Wait, what? No, I haven’t posted about these issues before. I may have posted about issues with us being long-distance at one point but they had nothing to do with this girl or even insecurity. Thanks for your input but I don’t want to throw away what we have. I know I have issues to work on but what you’re basically saying is that I should punish myself for being insecure by depriving myself of a loving relationship.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Someone posted almost the exact same story as you awhile back. The previous story involved a promise to the girl not to tell anyone they had hooked up back in the day which is why he never told the new S.O.

    • k-padi

      It is in the past. All I want to know about the past are whether he has any children and whether he has any incurable (or is currently treating) any contagious diseases.

      • Former Partner, Now In-House

        Or whether he has any continuing obligations/debts (read: alimony or former spouse motivated to jump on new spouse’s income/assets)!

    • hoola hoopa

      So, he hooked up with someone in college, they are still friends but not at all romantically involved currently or even since then, and I assume college was several years ago? Honestly, I don’t know why he’d need to tell you at all. In my own relationships, I take it to mean that they had their try or moment, it didn’t work out for some reason that they both know (and I don’t need to know), and it’s over.

      I agree with anon 2’s last paragraph.

      • anon

        OP here- I hear what you’re saying, but can you elaborate on the “you don’t need to know” part of it? I guess I just subscribe to a view that you should share most things with your partner. At least things you think they would want to know OR if they found out from someone else would hurt them more than you telling them would make them feel uncomfortable for a minute.

        • Anon

          Why does it hurt you? Is it knowing that he isn’t a virgin? Nobody you date is going to be one at this point.

        • Mpls

          Not hoola, but my take on the “you don’t need to know” is that it just doesn’t matter any more. He’s not sleeping with her now and they aren’t having a romantic relationship. It doesn’t impact the relationship he and you are having. Why would you be hurt by the fact that he slept with someone else (and stayed friends with them) before he ever knew you?

    • anon

      He didn’t want to end his friendship (fair enough) and didn’t see the need to disclose a former fling because it would only hurt your feelings and nothing productive comes of it. Trust him and relax, because if he wanted to go out with her he wouldn’t be going out with you.

      • anon

        It’s the last part of what you wrote that bugs me. What if he did want to go out with her but she didn’t see him as more than a friend with benefits? What if she is the one “who got away?” It kills me to think I would never know that he is still carrying a torch for her.

        • anon

          Are you still carrying a torch for everyone you’ve ever “hooked up” with? What you’re describing is a trust issue not an anxiety issue. It doesn’t sound like there is any concern here of infidelity (whether physical or emotional) and that kind of suggestion can’t be doing any good in this situation.

        • ezt

          But if that’s the case, under what circumstances would he communicate that to you? That isn’t just telling you that he hooked up with her in college…even if he did still “carry a torch” for her, he obviously wouldn’t admit that to his current girlfriend if he wanted to remain in the relationhip, no?

          I don’t think you can fairly conclude that he has ongoing feelings for her just because he didn’t tell you they used to hook up. He may have kept it from you for any number of reasons including: 1) he doesn’t care anymore and never thinks about it; 2) he knew it would send you into an insecurity spiral; 3) he didn’t feel like having an awkward conversation; 4) he doesn’t think it’s necessary to disclose details of long-over relationships.

          Look, as you said, you shouldn’t have snooped, but now you have and you’ve learned this information and it’s bothering you, so I think you need to have a converstion about it. Admit that you snooped, that it was wrong, that you are aware that you are sometimes needlessly insecure, but that it bothers you that he didn’t tell you this and you’d like to know why. If you don’t have the conversation, it will continue to bother you and you’ll probably blurt it out in some less controlled way. But, I guess, be prepared that he may not react well to the snooping.

        • Anon

          What makes you think that is the case? Step back and think about this.

          What if he was carrying a torch for someone else you didn’t meet? What difference does it make whether it’s someone you hang out with or not?

        • January

          Well, if he wanted to go out with her and she only saw him as a friend with benefits, then whether he had or has feelings for her is sort of irrelevant, right? Presumably she had the opportunity to change her mind about dating him and, apparently, didn’t. Now he’s with you, and I think it’s more a matter of trusting him with the boundaries of your current relationship (no cheating!) and enforcing some boundaries on yourself, too (no snooping!). You can’t ever know every single thing about another person, whether it’s their past or what’s going on inside of them right now.

      • Wildkitten

        I agree w/ anon 6:45. I have friends that I hooked up with in college because it was college and I had casual dalliances with many dudes. I do not tell my boyfriend because we are now friends with them and I don’t want him to imaging me naked with random dudes that I no longer imaging myself naked with. It would be a distraction from our current friendships that involve nothing more than fist-bumps and football.

    • Je suis woody allen

      I don’t know the answer to your particular situation, but I can share this: I hate hate hate the feeling that everyone but me knows something and they all know that I am the only one who doesn’t know. I will add that not liking to be the only one left out of a secret strikes me as totally normal.

      • Latte Tuesday

        But likely no one else cares. It’s unlikely that they are all thinking “OMG she doesn’t know that rando and her bf used to hook up!” but rather it was ages ago and no one thinks of it at all now, if they even did then. Can you imagine sitting down with a current boyfriend and listing all the people you hooked up with in college and going into details about how you felt, how the relationship ended, etc? That sounds incredibly tedious and I would never think to do that (and never expect my bf to do that).

    • AnonLawMom

      I swear someone posted this exact same scenario on this s I t e a few months ago and the resounding response was it is really not something that he needed to tell you. This is your issue. And, frankly, how big of a deal is it anyway? a few hookups? It’s not like he was engaged to her.

      • anon

        Yeah I know he wasn’t engaged to her and I don’t think it was an official relationship. But this is someone who will presumably be in our lives forever (she is in his close group of friends) and it just feels wrong to be excluded from this information when I am supposed to be his partner. If I were going to introduce my bf to someone who he would be spending a not insignificant amount of time with going forward and we had had any type of s*xual relationship, I would tell him because I think it should be out in the open.

        • cbackson

          I think the fact that you’re having this reaction indicates why he didn’t tell you.

          • ac

            +1. I think this situation is kind of a you-problem and not a him- or relationship-problem. I think you need to work on confidence and trust, but he behaved appropriately, and the fact that you are so upset by this piece of news may well be why he didn’t tell you in the first place (and because it just doesn’t matter this many years later!)

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Would you really rather know? You sound like the type of person (and I really don’t mean this in a negative way) for whom sex is a big deal. If that is the case, won’t that taint your feelings of her? Won’t you picture them getting busy and always worry about their interactions. Maybe he was trying to protect you by not telling you. I have friends that are admittedly irrationally jealous of trivial things and they have asked their partners to just not tell them about it. Like one friend couldn’t warm up to her now husband’s cat because it was originally a cat he got with his ex-wife. She decided she would rather not know what stuff he had bought with the ex and what he bought solo. Emotions are cray cray. Sometimes, if someone knows you well enough, they know it is better not to tell.

          If he is from a group of friends where sex is just sex, it really isn’t this big secret they kept from you because to them it is just no big deal. While sex is a big deal to me, I came from a very incestuous group of friends. I had a long term boyfriend that was part of that group so him and I didn’t play the field with the rest of them but for some of them, there wasn’t a female friend with whom they hadn’t had sex. And it was just sex. So for someone like you (or me) for whom sex is something much more, I could see the guy just not mentioning it. It would be like saying she was once my dentist to them.

        • So...what...?

          So, if he had slept with 1,000 people, you would want to know that?

          I also hate not knowing something that everyone else knows, so I totally get that, but I absolutely guarantee you that nobody ever thinks about it. It’s just not relevant. “How did you meet Mr. Anon?” “We were friends in college.” NOT “We used to bang.”

          Also, this idea that “what if he secretly has a thing for her and blah blah?” That’s girl thinking, not dude thinking. I can’t speak for YOUR dude, absolutely, but if he has dated you for a year and a half and you’re planning on spending your life together HE’S NOT. If he was secretly hoping friend-chick will come ‘back’ to their non-relationship, he would not have been with you for so long. He would have kept his distance and possibly banged you for a while, but he would not have gotten serious. Because while he’s with you he can’t be with her.

          So logic your way out of the crazy box, okay? (I mean that with love)

      • Miss Behaved

        That’s exactly what I thought when I read this post and it looks like someone above thought so, too. Very weird…

    • Anon

      It is somewhat unreasonable. I get that it bothers you, but it probably bothers you because it’s not part of your past like it is his – to him, it is probably no big deal and not something he thinks of when he hangs out with this girl. She’s his friend/part of the group, the the girl he hooked up with that one time a million years ago. But it’s not something you’ve done, so it seems weird to you and not to him.

    • Suburban

      Sorry to be harsh, but you’re in the wrong for snooping here. And blaming insecurities is a cop out. I know youre already in therapy but you need to step away from this poor guy and work on yourself. You’ll never have a successful relationship if you : 1. Can’t trust anyone and 2. Use your mother/ childhood/ insecurities as an excuse to violate your partner’s trust. Sorry but this so isn’t about him or what you found. Good luck to you.

      • anon

        Agreed. I think you’re over reacting and need to stop obsessing over a fact you can’t control. Move on from this issue and respect that everyone has a bit of baggage and history and forge on. Anything further is destructive and unhealthy.

    • Must be Tuesday

      Snooping is wrong, but you know that.

      I would also be concerned that he hadn’t said anything to you about his past relationship with someone who is currently in both your lives. Like you, if I was introducing my partner to someone I had a history with, I would tell him. Your partner didn’t do the same when the situation was reversed. That would make me wonder if you and he are compatible in terms of what type of information you think is important to share with each other and how open you want to be. Not that you’re right to share and he’s wrong not to, but you guys may not be on the same page about level of sharing needed in a relationship.

      The other concerning possibility is that he does think he should have told you, but withheld that information because he’s afraid of how you’d react. That means he’s curtailing the info he’s sharing about himself out of fear of the consequences, and it also probably means (given what you’ve said here), that he’s right in his guess that you’d overreact. Neither of those is good – not his secret keeping and not your overreacting.

      So really, my concerns in this situation would be the communication with your boyfriend. I think you’re off base to suspect that he’s carrying some kind of a torch for her if the only thing you’re basing that on is their history together.

      • Sadie

        Here’s the thing. I have guy friends that, years ago, I hooked up with. If we’re going to be hanging out with them, I tell my husband, “just so you know, 15 years ago, dude and I had a thing.” Because yeah, you don’t want everyone in the room knowing something your SO doesn’t.
        HOWEVER.

        I say that, he says “oh, ok.” and then everything is fine. He’s normal with other dude, other dude is normal with him, no one mentions it again.

        YOU WOULD NOT DO THAT.

        If your boyfriend had said to you, “so years ago, girl and I had a brief hookup thing”, you would not have dropped it. You would have been a dog with a bone, and you know it. When? how long? How many times? was it good? Do you still think about her? Why did you stop? Did she want to stop? did you want to stop?

        Omg, you wouldn’t have let it go and you know it. That’s why he didn’t say anything. He can’t do what might otherwise be a reasonable act because you.are.not.reasonable. And you know that. You need to talk to your therapist about this, and you need to tell him you snooped and you’re sorry.

        • cbackson

          I agree 100% with this.

          OP, like you, s*x is a big deal to me. My ex-husband had a *lot* of partners in his 20s; mine were in the low single digits. I never, ever asked him how many people he’d slept with, because I knew that I’d never be able to let it go. For many people, knowing “the number” is really important, but I knew I wouldn’t deal with that information in a healthy way. In your heart of hearts, you know you wouldn’t have dealt with this information in a healthy way, because you’re not doing so now. This is a you issue, not a him issue – and I promise, it’s one you can get over if you admit to yourself that it’s your problem, not his.

    • NancyD

      It hurts you that he chose not to tell you. Maybe that should make you think about exactly what kinds of things you expect your significant other/spouse to share with you and why you want to know it. And then you might consider having a long conversation about this with him. I don’t think that what you are doing and feeling right now portends well for a long term intimate relationship. You may need to decide what you will let go of “needing to know” and what you will not and then draw some boundaries around your own obsessing and around what information you expect from him.

  18. Work-appropriate high rise pants

    Does anyone know where to find high waisted pants that are appropriate for work? I’ve been trying to find them for years, since I’m relatively short-legged and long-waisted.

    I’m not even sure “high-waisted” is the correct term for them, since I’m only looking for ones that are at my waist, around the belly button. But all “at-waist” pants I’ve found (e.g. Ann Taylor, the Limited’s high waist Olivia pants) don’t really sit at the waist for me.

    Thanks a lot!

    • Anon

      Gap tall (and hem them) or maybe a brand that caters to older women like Talbots or NYDJ.

      • mascot

        Go to a department store and try on some brands there. Lauren-RL, JNY, INC. (Macys), Caslon (Nordstrom), etc. I find some of those pants have higher waists.

    • Anonymous

      Talbot’s Heritage fit pants may be what you are looking for. Yes, the store overall trends older, but if you’re just wearing pants in a cut you find flattering to your figure, you can certainly style them younger.

  19. MoinBoston

    Southwestern ‘Rettes: I’m attending a week-long Sales Meeting in Phoenix the first week of February. What advice would you share with me, a member of the Northeast (Boston) Hive, for how to adjust my work wardrobe to match the temperature swing? Not complaining at all about the warmer temperatures…just wondering if, being indoors, I can still get away with layering my normal jackets/sheath dresses, skirts/blouses, etc. or if there is anything different I should be considering (sandals? linen?). Thanks for any suggestions you can share!

  20. MoinBoston

    Reposting: What clothing advice would you share for someone from Boston attending a week-long meeting in Phoenix in early February? Since I’ll be indoors, are my normal layers of jacket/sheath dress, cardigan/blouse/skirt, etc. sufficient or is there something else I should be considering (linen? sandals?). Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

    • Phoenician

      Your normal clothes will be perfect. In Feb it will be cold in the mornings/nights. It will warm up during the day, but it won’t be anywhere near warm enough for linens and sandals. Hope you have a nice trip!

  21. Lonely 1L

    Longtime lurker posting here partially for advice, and partially just to vent. I feel embarrassed even to be writing this, but here goes…

    I’m a 1L and classes are just starting up again. I love law school. I enjoy my classes, I think the topics are interesting, and I’m not too overwhelmed by the stress of grades or job hunting. But I am incredibly lonely, so much so that I dislike being here.

    I moved cities for school, so my family, SO and friends are all hundreds of miles away. I did not know anyone in my new city. I admit that during the beginning of the year I was not as social as I could have been. I didn’t have trouble making friends in high school or college, so I didn’t make it a priority to go to all the dinners and bar events at the beginning of the year. I figured friendship would develop naturally, given how much time we all spend together. Now I feel like I’ve missed the boat on making friends. I’m friendly with my classmates. We talk at school, and people will smile and say hi when we pass each other in the hallway. I feel like I have a lot of acquaintances, but no real friends. People go out for dinner or drinks in small groups, and I’m not invited. I’m making more of an effort to go out, especially when people post general invitations on our class Facebook page, but I feel completely overlooked when people are making individual plans. I feel like I haven’t “clicked” with anybody, but everyone else has.

    This is totally stressing me out, and I’m having trouble enjoying school and our current light workload. At least when I was busy I had an excuse for staying home alone.

    • LilyStudent

      I don’t know if you’ll see this. I’m in a similar boat – I found my second year of college incredibly lonely and then this year I’m studying abroad. A few weeks before the Christmas break I was absolutely feeling how you feel. Somehow, now I’m not anymore.
      I started hosting Friday Night Meatballs for an ever-changing group, which has really helped.

    • Anon

      That sucks. I was similar in law school, in that I was more of a studier than into the bar scene. (Although I kind of preferred it that way.) I’d suggest two things.

      (1) Rather than wait to be invited, try initiating some things yourself. It doesn’t sound like your classmates dislike you — they probably just don’t realize that you’re game for more social things. So, pick out someone that you think you’d get along with (not necessarily be best friends with, just get along with), strike up a conversation about something, and then casually suggest grabbing dinner or something. Ease your way into the social scene.

      (2) This is a slight deviation (and maybe it’s more of a reflection about how I approached law school, not necessarily how you want to approach it), but I’d also keep in mind that there’s a whole lot more to law school than friends. I’m sure you know that, and I don’t mean to be condescending or anything. I simply mean that, if you’re not spending your free time out to dinner or at bars, think of it as an opportunity to study more. Especially during 1L year, with law review selection coming up. In my experience, by the time my class graduated, the kids at the top of the class & law review editors were the kids that put in Friday nights at the library. So, keep that in mind. Even if the workload is light right now, you can make sure you have the cases down perfectly, start your outlines, read SCOTUSBlog or How Appealing, etc.

      Things will get better!!!

      • Anon

        But to your second point, making friends in law school is really important in the long run as that’s a key network you don’t want to miss out on. I’m not trying to make OP feel worse, but beyond the lonely/nice to have a life aspect, it’s professionally important to form relationships now and focusing on that will probably have a greater long-term impact on your career than a law journal will.

    • Anonymous

      Are you involved in any organizations? Some of my closest friends from law school were on the same boards as me. It’s a very easy thing to go from evening meeting to let’s grab dinner/a drink and you already have something in common.

      • Wildkitten

        This – join clubs. If you pick clubs that aren’t about school (intramural sports and habitat for humanity vs. womens law club) it might further diversity your friend options.

        Also – if you schedule happy hour, you’re definitely invited! That’s my strategy but I’m comfortable doing that and not everyone is.

    • Anonymous

      This happened to me 1L year too. I fixed it by basically inviting myself to an outing that I heard some acquaintances talking about. It was trivia at a bar, so it was the kind of thing that naturally allowed extra people to attend. Now in 3L year, some of these people are my closest friends.

      So be more direct. Plan a happy hour yourself (especially a trivia happy hour, because if you haven’t noticed, law students are kind of competitive and love that kind of thing), or ask one of the closer acquaintances after class if they’re doing anything fun, or getting a drink. I know it can be uncomfortable to be that direct, but it would be pretty rude of them not to invite you if you are clearly fishing for an invite, so use that discomfort to your advantage.

  22. Ciao, pues

    Are you in the house or out when a cleaning person comes?

    I am going to hire a cleaning person for the first time (recommended by my neighbor) but the mechanics are confusing me. Does she come when I am in the house or not? My place is small– a 2 bedroom apartment in a major city– so there’s not a lot of room for me, hubs, and 1-year-old to be out of the way. My gut says we’re in the house, but I’m having a hard time picturing where we’d go. Ha!

    • Must be Tuesday

      The first few times my cleaning person came, I stayed home. It was a little awkward and crowded, but I felt better being there with a stranger in my home (she was recommended to me by a friend, but she was still a stranger to me). I just planned some work that I could do sitting at my laptop and I was in the living room area while she was in the bedroom, and vice versa. The next 2-3 times, I was mostly home, but I ran a few errands close to home so I was gone for part of the time. Now that I’m used to having her around (it’s been 6 years), I schedule her to come on days I’ll be gone and I just let her in before leaving or I hide a key for her to get in with.

      ETA – I lived alone, so maybe the mechanics in your situation would be that 1 of you stays home while the other takes your son out for a while.

    • Bonnie

      Out. Be there at the beginning but then leave for a while. It would be hard to clean the place with all of you there.

    • LilyStudent

      Ours comes really early in the morning (she arrives between 7.15 and 8.00 depending on what’s going on with her) so we’re always in when she arrives. We’ve known her for about 15 years so now we don’t worry about leaving her in the house (our door is one that locks as you leave). We had a couple of dodgy cleaners in a row (including one who slept in my bed while we were on holiday, binge-drinking our wine – we found her watch on the bedside table and a half-drunk bottle behind the footboard) so after that we always stayed in until we found this cleaner.

    • Anonymous

      There to let them in, then out. My home was broken into as a kid by a cleaning person who copied our key, so I’m unwilling to give anyone a key. But I have asthma and can’t be around while they are cleaning (plus I think I would be in the way anyway). Our cleaner comes at 9 AM Saturday – we let them in and head to brunch. By the time we get home from brunch they are gone. This might be less practical if you have a single person and it takes him or her several hours to clean. We have a team so they are done within the hour.

  23. Disappearing comment?

    I posted earlier and received some helpful comments, but now my post has completely vanished. Was it intentionally deleted, or was it some tech glitch?

    • I'm Just Me ...

      What was your post about? Is it just hidden on the 1st page of comments?

      • Disappearing comment?

        Doh’h that is totally it – I forget comments go onto another page. Thanks!

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