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I'll admit, I clutched my pearls a bit when I first started seeing leggings with mesh insets. Mesh? On my upper thigh? Oh no no no. But I honestly really like them now. They seem far, far more acceptable than short shorts, and as someone who isn't super fit I feel comfortable wearing them while I work on, you know, getting more fit.
This pair comes in sizes XS-XL, and is $64; if mesh isn't your thing this popular legging comes in a zillion other colors in regular and plus sizes. Pictured: Zella ‘Live In – Spectrum' Leggings
Are you guys looking forward to any outdoor workouts this weekend?
Psst: here's a more affordable option for fun mesh-inset leggings (they also come in petite and tall sizes).
Psst: looking for a great sports bra for larger bust sizes? As of 2024, readers love Freya, Panache, Shock Absorber, Title Nine, Athleta, and Enell for higher impact. Looking for something wire-free and comfier for lower impact workouts? Check out Glamorise or Syrokan (and consider wearing a breast support band to make any bra better for higher impact workouts.)
The trick (suggested by a fitter during my last trip to Bratenders) is to size way down in the band, and accordingly go up in the cup — I normally wear a 36 band but went down to a 32 in the sports bra.
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- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Bonnie
I have leggings with functional mesh insets (backs of knees) but don’t get the placement of these.
Meg March
I think the thought is that they are not functional mesh insets– they are purely design.
Bluestocking
I also have leggings with mesh on the back of knees, and I like that it’s both functional and looks fun.
Anonymous
As a spin off from the dating question in the morning thread, I’ve got another one:
How do you approach dating when the person tells you some fact that indicates they’re likely to move out of state in the next 6-12 months? (e.g., short-term work assignment, applying for MBA program at XYZ schools all of which are out of state, etc.). Assume: (1) You’re still in the online app pre-date convo or first date territory, so you’re not invested in a relationship at all, and (2) Standard overachieving ‘re++e lifestyle where carving out time for dates is something that requires active prioritizing. Do you still keep seeing them and just let the chips fall? Or do you reach a certain age where that’s a waste of your time?
Anonymous
For me it depends on how “into” the person I am. If I’m into him, I throw caution to the wind and proceed as if the out-of-state move is hypothetical (not saying that’s the best decision, but it’s been my default in the past). If it’s casual and I don’t know him well enough to know if I really dig him, but I enjoy his company, I’ll probably keep dating him during that time period, date other people, but have fun enjoying getting to know him. But if it’s so early that you’re like on date one, two or three, I might treat him more like a casual friend or acquaintance rather than get romantically involved and leave the door open in case he returns to my city/state.
Tanya
In these days of Chlamydia and STDs, I would never let a strange man into my bed or even let him pleasure me unless he first got tested. Yes, you may be liberated, but do you want to catch something awful on a fling and then discover you’ve damaged your reproductive system permanently. Not me, sister!
Anonymous
Uhhhh, use condoms?
Anonymous
6-12 months is pretty short in the big scheme of things so I’d keeping seeing him and figure we could briefly do long distance if it works out. I guess it also depends on how soon he’s moving away – if it’s next week, then yeah, nothing is going to happen because there’s no time to get in a relationship before he moves, and you’re not going to casually date someone long distance. But if it’s three months I would definitely keep dating him and figure that if we’re serious after three months we’ll make the distance work.
Anon
Let the chips fall. It’s not like he said he’s moving in 2 months.
A long-time friend of mine said he knew the perfect guy for me. Guy lives in NYC; I’m in DC. We texted, we talked, we met up… We’ve been together six months, see each other most weekends (and with the ‘r e t t e lifestyle, that works), and now, whaddya know, our lives have taken a turn that allow each of us the flexibility to move to other cities within the next 9 months. We never would have predicted 6 months ago that we’d be looking at other cities now. We had no earthly reason to think our jobs would change like they have. We’re not making plans yet to move to be together, but it’s in the back of our minds.
So, you never know what the future holds. Go on a date. See if you like him. If you do, and you’re together for a while, it’ll work out as it should.
Zelda
Let the chips fall. 6-12 months is plenty of time to figure out if you want to continue to see them long term and if they’re worth dating long distance. It’s not like he’s leaving next month. If he’s worth making it work, you’ll make it work. If he’s not worth it, you’ll have ended things long before he leaves, if you’re anything like me.
lucy stone
I was that person to someone 12 years ago – he was ready to settle down, I was moving out of state for law school. We’re married now. It’s worth a few dates to see if you hit off.
Sarabeth
Same here. I was moving to another continent to start a grad program, he was stuck in the city where we met for another three years while he finished his degree. It made no sense, but we stuck it out through his degree, he moved to be with me, and now we’ve been married for 6 years.
BB
Echoing that was me. I knew I was moving abroad to go to grad school in 6 months…now we’ve been married 5 years. :)
bridget
This probably isn’t the answer you are looking for, but old-fashioned dating is your friend here.
Go on a few dates with the guy. Keep looking and go on dates with other men, too. Maybe you’ll end up falling hard for a different guy. Maybe you won’t end up clicking with Moving Out of Town dude. But if you do end up really hitting it off, only continue to date him if you *both* can see yourselves figuring out the long-distance/moving/etc situation. And frankly, if you’re over the age of 25, you should be able to figure out what you want from the relationship before he moves.
Anonymous
Depends. If this was an on-line, pre-first date email conversation (like on-line dating), I’d cut bait & keep fishing. If we had one date and there were good vibes, if it was something they had some control over I might see how it goes, but if its a more-likely-then-not moving scenario, I’d also cut bait & keep fishing. Life is too short to waste time, or set yourself up for avoidable complications.
Elaine
The chips can fall in 2 months as long as your panties don’t. If the man is gone, you don’t want to waste your time and your vag on him. If after he moves he still wants to pursue you, then yes, you may then drop your drawers and have at it with him, but not before.
Anonymous
I hate leggings when it’s not actively cold. Shorts / skorts are so much easier to put on. They don’t have to be super-short.
Wildkitten
Leggings are clutch for people who run and don’t have thigh gap. Shorts/skirts allow chafing.
Stormtrooper
+1
And for barre, yoga and Pilates
Leatty
Leggings are also great for people (like me) whose thighs jiggle when they run :-)
Anonymous
Some of us hate our legs. Ugh… the maintenance.
LOVE being able to cover them up with leggings.
Anonymous
Has anyone finished a basement and care to share what they paid/sq foot? I know it probably varies based on a lot of things but the estimates I’m finding online differ wildly, so I’d love some real life anecdata.
Anonymous
We are finishing a 1000 sq. ft. basement right now and our total cost is around $72k. We are doing some pretty high end finishes due to my husband’s preferences (really nice bathroom and kitchenette, as well as a wall of sliding doors) so take the figure with a grain of salt. We live in a large Southeastern city for what it’s worth.
Anonymous
We finished our 900 Sq Ft basement last year. Average grade finishes. Cost was $30k
Anonymous
Everyone on this site always has great financial advice. Thoughts on the following:
SO and I are currently engaged, getting married in September. We just paid off the last of our student loans. We have a combined salary of about $235,000 (HCOL area) and about $80k total in liquid savings (including low risk investments) not including 401k.
We’re trying to decide whether to buy a house now or to wait. Buying a house + closing costs would probably wipe out our liquid savings, if we could even get approved for a place without showing other assets in the bank, so we’d be breaking even with the monthlies for the first few months and essentially starting with nothing. But waiting means moving to a cheaper apartment for X months (our current apartment increased in rent by more than 10% so no longer viable to live there) and the costs of moving essentially mean we wouldn’t be saving any extra money until 6 months into living in the new place.
Thoughts?
Anon
Your first sentence is entirely false. I have seen absolutely terrible financial advice given here, regularly.
Anony
Agreed. She she go to an actual financial adviser, someone who works in real estate,etc. not an online forum. And I say that as someone who loves this site.
Anonny
My favorite are those who think they are masters of personal finance, but genuinely have no clue.
Get thee to a professional.
Zelda
Definitely wait. Buying a house is expensive. Maintaining a house is expensive. You definitely want to have a cushion for unexpected costs. That will also give you time to house hunt and get a feel for the market without pressure to buy immediately.
TBK
1) How likely are you to stay put for the next several years?
2) Do you think you’ll like being home-owners (you can paint the walls purple, but you’re also on the hook for maintenance)?
3) Can you afford the kind of house you’ll want to live in for at least 5 yrs?
4) Will you have an emergency fund (~3 mo. living expenses) in case one of you loses your job or gets sick/injured?
5) What’s the rental market like in your area vs the buying market? Sometimes it’s not actually a better move to buy (sure you’re building equity, but you’re also paying interest and property taxes, plus maintenance — sometimes you earn more by putting your savings in another type of investment while renting)?
6) How hot is the real estate market where you are now and how likely is it to stay that way? It doesn’t matter as much if you plan to stay put, but if you’re planning to buy a starter home, you don’t want to overpay now because there are more buyers than inventory, only to have trouble selling down the road (hopefully we won’t have another 2008, but you never know)
Anonymous
These are the questions you really need to answer. I was surprised how much more stressful homeownership was vs living in an apartment where I could just call for maintenance and forget about it if anything went awry.
We bought in a similar situation to OP’s (but we’d been married for years and had a kid on the way), our current monthly payment is less than our rent was, but we’re about even once you factor in maintenance (including yardwork) over the last several years. It is nice to have the income tax deduction for mortgage interest, but we had to get a second car, so again, a wash. I don’t regret it, and we had no trouble rebuilding our emergency fund, but really think about whether you want to tackle the responsibility and potential stress at this point in your life. I don’t know how old you are, OP, but I’m glad I spent my 20’s as a renter. It left me more time and mental space for fun. It was nice not to be trapped in one location, too; we ended up moving a couple times as we changed jobs, wanted to get closer to downtown, etc.
Boston Legal Eagle
I would wait to buy. Buying is a big commitment that essentially ties up your money in one illiquid asset. If you are in a HCOL area, is $80K even enough to put down 20%? Would you then have to worry about PMI? I wouldn’t feel comfortable wiping down my savings to nothing. Not sure how secure your jobs are, but things can change quickly and if one of you were out of work for a while, would you feel comfortable knowing you have no savings to fall back on + now a mortgage/other housing costs to pay?
Congrats on paying off the loans (and the marriage :) ) btw! Enjoy being debt-free for a while.
Anonymous
+1. Let yourself have the year to adjust to the current changes (marriage, no debt) and use that year to decide what you want in terms of home0wnership and build more of a cushion. A year is not that much in the grand scheme and you don’t want to rush into this big of a decision.
Amy H.
+2. You may also be surprised by how much your tax bill goes up due to marriage since you are both high earners.
Anonny
Just as FYI – you don’t need 20%. I’m in Boston and put down 11% with NO PMI, thank you small local bank.
Anonymous
What debt do you currently have?
Anonymous
I think you should definitely wait. I don’t think wiping out your liquid savings to buy a house is necessarily terrible, but I would only do it in a situation where the mortgage was low enough that I could rebuild the nest egg FAST and that doesn’t sound like it’s your situation.
Peach Pye
My financials were similar to yours. I purchased a house that almost wiped out my liquid savings- I had about $10k left after all costs . I am glad I did it for a few reasons: (1) I was not continuing to spend about the same as my mortgage on a rent payment (2) I was able to rebuild liquid savings fairly quickly (3) my 401k savings was not disrupted and (4) even with maintenance, taxes, etc ,my new monthly living costs were doa-able. It is a personal choice, dictated by your market but I am glad I took the leap.
Anonymous
I agree that this may be market specific. Also would you be buying a house or an apartment? A forever home or some place you would live it for 3-5 years? What are the other considerations? For ex., if you were in NYC, you may be dealing with buildings that require additional liquid assets on hand after closing so that would preclude wiping out your savings to buy now. Not sure what HCOL area you are in, but speak to a real estate agent about what your options would be if you were to try to buy.
Also, are you sure that you’d have to movers another rental? First I am assuming that if your rent went up by ten percent, maybe rents everywhere in your area are increasing. But second even if you found a cheaper place, if you will be buying in the next few years it may be cheaper to pay ten percent more than to deal with the cost of moving, esp. if you plan to use a broker.
Anonymous
I actually disagree with the others. As for getting approved, I would probably not worry about that – $80K in the bank, no student loan debt, I’m assuming no credit card debt, and more than decent jobs means you are likely a good credit risk for a mortgage. I honestly think that unless the starter homes in your area are $600+, you actually are not a bad candidate to consider buying now. You’ve been together a while, and apparently live together already, so it’s not like you’re signing your name to something without having lived together before. And it sounds like you’re planning on staying where you are for at least the foreseeable future (5+ years). Assuming your mortgage payment would be close to your current comfortable rent, I think I’d go for it. Whatever you’ve been paying in student loans can be used to rebuild your nest egg.
Diana Barry
My DH and I bought in this situation – he had just finished paying off his loans and we scraped together 10% down payment and bought. Our monthly payment was the same as our rent and I was in biglaw (140K), so it wasn’t too hard to rebuild the liquid savings.
Robin
I got married about 4 years ago and was a tough transition. People’s experiences vary but the first year of marriage is often tumultuous and stressful. I wish we had made more decisions to minimize outside sources of stress in our lives during that first year. (In fact, we almost bought a house a few weeks before we got married but the deal fell through. In retrospect, I’m glad we weren’t dealing with the transition to home-ownership at the same time we were getting used to being married. FWIW, we had lived together for about 15 months prior to marriage but being official was still a big change.)
Serafina
This morning’s thread on how quickly your partner “knows” got me thinking… in my relationship, I am the one who is unsure.
I’m 25 and have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years (living together for 1.5). He is a wonderful partner. A good person, hardworking, affectionate, willing to try to change himself, care about me and wants to make me happy, makes me laugh, supports me and my career/life goals. I am comfortable and myself around him in a way that I’ve never been with anyone else, not even my family. We enjoy spending time together, have similar values, and want similar things in life.
But… I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don’t have that “f** yeah” feeling someone mentioned this morning. I mean, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t – and especially when we’re fighting, sometimes I just want to walk away from it all. There are things I don’t like about him about course (he can be negative about other people, sometimes he loses his temper when he’s frustrated, we’re not the best at fighting but I’m sure we could get better and he’s more than willing to trying), but nothing really major. My parents didn’t have a great marriage and divorced recently. We’re both going through a stressful time, so I’m sure that’s contributing, but it doesn’t seem like a great excuse. He’s the first relationship where something long-term was really on the table for me – my previous boyfriends I thought of as a “high school” relationship and a “college” relationship, even at the time, though they were still very important to me – and getting married has always been a real end game, but I haven’t gotten more sure over the time the way I thought I should. I would never say this to him, but I do think he is more committed than I am.
On one hand, I think that if it were right, I would be sure, so this is a sign that it isn’t right (and I’m imagining that that’s how you’ll all respond). On the other hand I know that he is wonderful and I don’t know that I’ll be able to find someone else nearly as great. I don’t know what I’m asking for. Advice, sympathy?
Anonymous
I’m married and often when we’re fighting I just want to walk away. I never was sure. I never, never had that moment of just knowing. Is it possible there was a better marriage out there for me? Maybe. But this one is pretty good. And I’m completely satisfied with that.
Anonymous
But if you often want to walk away when you’re fighting, are you really that satisfied? My husband and I certainly fight, and we have had some really knock-down, horrible fights, but I have never thought about walking away.
lawsuited
I think this depends how often you fight. My husband and I have a real fight once or twice a year, so if once or twice a year I think “man, wouldn’t my life be easier if I could just do my own thing and didn’t have to take this guy’s preferences into account?” I don’t think that means I’m unsatisfied in my marriage overall.
layered bob
I completely agree. I married my husband for many very sensible reasons but I never just “knew.” It was a great choice, but it was a considered choice that could have gone the other way. We’ve been together for ten years, married for six – we have a happy life and treat each other well. During the good parts of our marriage I feel like I couldn’t possibly love anyone more. Sometimes I still sit across the table from him at dinner and he seems like a complete stranger – “who IS this person and WHY did I marry him?!” During the rough patches I fantasize about getting on the next flight out of the country and starting over.
We both acknowledge that maybe there are “better” people out there for us, but I’m so, so glad I didn’t break up with him in the hopes of finding someone better – who knows if I ever would have found them? And in the mean time I would have missed out on many great years with my husband.
Spirograph
This describes my marriage exactly, too. I don’t believe in soulmates. Any marriage is going to take a certain amount of work and there are going to be good times and harder times. You’re going to disagree, and you’re going to disagree about HOW to disagree constructively, because people are different. If you find someone who loves, supports and respects you, who you also respect and whose company you enjoy, who makes you happy 98% of the time, wants similar things out of life and likes the idea of doing them together with you, why question it? People would kill for that.
lawsuited
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 7, and I still want to walk away from it all when we’re fighting. I don’t, because it’s a great relationship in a lot of the ways you describe, but I think that feeling is pretty normal.
I’ve never had the “f*** yeah” feeling either. I knew I wanted to marry my husband because of how easy it was to be myself around him, because we communicated really well, and because of how easy it was for us to be kind to each other. But I was only asking myself “Do I want to marry this person?” rather than “Do I want to marry this person rather than anyone else in the world” which I think made it an easier decision for me, and I haven’t looked back.
Anonymous
FWIW, I could have written this exact post when I was 23 and living with my college bf. He was a good guy and treated me so well and we were generally happy together day to day, but I didn’t feel like he was “the one.” After agonizing for a while I finally broke up with him and six months later I met my husband and I knew immediately. I never felt the way about my ex that I felt with my husband almost instantly. My two cents is that if you are questioning whether he’s the one and your reasons for staying with him are “he is wonderful and I don’t know that I’ll be able to find someone else nearly as great,” then he’s probably not the one.
Cat
Are you the type that normally gets strong gut feelings about things? If you aren’t, I’d think hard before blowing up a relationship for the sake of trying to find that “can’t live without you OMG you’re the one” feeling, because you may never get it. I’m like this, and will often “test” myself by pretending to have chosen one option or the other and seeing if either gives me a pang of regret.
Bewitched
I think if he’s a good guy, the kind of guy who has your back and supports you, wants the best for you, won’t walk away when the going gets rough, then he’s the one. It’s possible your parent’s marriage and divorce are influencing you-I know that’s what happened to me, and two decades later, I’m glad I didn’t let my internal voice talk me out of what has been the very best thing in my life.
Wildkitten
And Bewitched just wrote my vows. Saving this to evernote right now.
Wildkitten
I am going to therapy with my beau (we haven’t gone yet but it’s scheduled) to learn how to fight better since we don’t want to emulate our parents marriages. You might consider that as well to help determine if he’s the one or not.
Senior Attorney
I think it’s a red flag that you’re fighting and especially that he loses his temper. If by “he’s not the best at fighting” you mean “he gets personal and nasty rather thank talking about the issues,” then I think you’re right to be concerned.
I think I’m probably in the minority here, but for myself I’m not willing to be in a relationship where there is any interaction at all that could be characterized as “fighting.” Disagreements, sure. Even an argument if necessary (although I’m in the second year with Gentleman Friend and we haven’t yet found anything to argue about). But a fight? Nope. Been there, done that, not interested. And I would certainly not stick around in a relationship where tempers were lost.
You’re very young and the world is full of men. Don’t let fear keep you in a relationship you don’t think or feel is right.
Anonymous
Agreed. I’m a zero fighting person. I don’t fight with my best friend, I don’t fight with my family, I will not fight with my partner.
Anonymous
I completely agree re “fighting” vs. “disagreements” or “arguments.” In 5 years, I have never said anything nasty or mean to my husband and vice versa. That’s something that’s incredibly important to me. Your partner is supposed to be your safe space. Of course we disagree about things or irritate each other, but there is no room for saying the kinds of things that you can’t take back.
Diana Barry
+1. My DH and I disagree but we don’t fight, and we have been together 15 years.
Anonymous
I think there is a distinction between “fighting” and “saying the kinds of things that you can’t take back.” My husband and I certainly fight and sometimes scream and yell. But we never say “divorce” or other things like that. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I’m from a loud, non-WASPy family where everyone yells at everyone and I can’t imagine going through life and never being allowed to yell at my husband when he annoyed me.
CKB
This is me too, except I’ve been married 21.5 years. We’ve never had a nasty fight. We’ve argued, disagreed, etc. Our marriage certainly isn’t perfect. But we’ve never had a real fight. And I’m so glad. I don’t like conflict and I never could have married a fighter.
Anonymous
If you don’t want to be in a relationship where there is ever fighting, that’s fine for you, but telling someone that fighting is a red flag is absurd. Virtually all couples fight. Learning how to fight fairly, and not walking away when you fight, is part of learning how to be in a long-term relationship.
Bewitched
I typically agree with you, SA, but I think that relationships are much different at 50 than they are at 25 or 30 or 35. I know I fought (and argued and disagreed) with my hubby many many times over the years, and it’s in no way indicative of a bad relationship. I do think you have to fight fair, though and know when to walk away if you are getting too heated.
ezt
+1000. Relationships are different at different stages. If we had a blanket rule that losing tempers/ raising voices = abuse/red flag, I wouldn’t have made it through the first six months after having a child FOR SURE. Sometimes life throws a lot at you and personally I would rather yell at my partner and have him yell back than for us to stew silently. And honestly, I would also rather yell at each other than “talk it out” the way some of my friends describe doing in their relationships – to me it sounds torturous and overwrought. Among other things, yelling at each other has a 95% higher chance of dissolving in giggles. But that’s why I’m well-matched with my partner and they’re well-matched with theirs. As long as no one’s abusive, the thing that matters is that, whatever method you use for airing differences, both people feel that they can speak up and be heard and that they are equal at the end of the day.
Senior Attorney
I don’t disagree that it’s way easier to have “no fighting” as a standard in your 50s than in your 20s. But the OP implied that there is a lot of fighting in her relationship, and said that her SO is not good at fighting, which I took to mean he maybe doesn’t fight fair. I think those are red flags at any age.
Anonymous
Break up. Now.
Anonymous
Same boat here. Also 25, dating boyfriend for 7 years (yeah, yeah: “high school sweethearts, those almost never work out, you just grow apart, etc.”) and I love him dearly and he is a great partner. But I’m also unsure. And the terrible thing is that at one point I was sure. It changed when we moved in together (again, yeah, I know what everyone will say). He is totally sure and I feel awful for not having that “f** yeah” feeling you mentioned.
emeralds
I understand where you’re coming from and identify with a lot of what you wrote. I’m a really analytical, rational, and practical person (Myers-Briggs is ISTP), and sometimes I have a hard time turning off my brain’s over-analytic side when I’m lying alone at night, thinking about my future. “He can have a short fuse and I think he’s sometimes too quick to blame other people for his problems. OMG, what lessons will he teach our hypothetical future children that we don’t have yet and would not have for 4-5 years even if we got married tomorrow? How will I teach them a healthy way to handle frustration when they might see their dad throw a TV remote across the room if his football team loses, even though he has specifically told me that sports-rage is something he knows he has to work on when he has kids? Also he’s paying down his student loans and doesn’t have a retirement account yet, but I think he could be paying more on his loans instead of buying fancy hiking gear and also start a Roth IRA immediately. Will I be subsidizing his lifestyle in retirement with the savings I’m budgeting my a** off to make right now? WE ARE CLEARLY DOOMED SHOULD I GO AHEAD AND BREAK UP WITH HIM NOW? I know I can live without him…even though I don’t want to…does this mean I don’t love him enough…urk.”
I stressed out a lot about this a while ago. Then I realized that I do this about literally everything–I’m always playing devil’s advocate with myself, trying to see things from someone else’s perspective, and have a hard time answering with rock-solid certainty about anything. (Student: I can definitely take this class, right? Me: Yes. Well, barring some type of emergency or unforeseen circumstance like the professor getting abducted by aliens or struck by a meteor. But that probably won’t happen so I am definitely, almost, largely, mostly, 99% sure you can take that class. Student: O…kay…) Like you, this is my first really serious, really long-term relationship, even though I’ve dated plenty and always viewed marriage as the ultimate goal. My parents also did/do not have a great relationship, as described yesterday in the thread on names, and my beloved (by both me and my father) stepmother passed away when I was seven.
From both a personality perspective and a lived experience perspective, I am not wired to ever be 100% certain about anything, especially romantic relationships. That’s who I am. I can let it get in my way and constantly second-guess myself and my relationship, or I can go hmm, yeah, okay, maybe our future hypothetical children will be brattier about losing at sports than I would like…but do I want to break up with my boyfriend over that tomorrow? No. Thanks for the scenario, brain, I will be sure to talk about this in more depth with my boyfriend if my 99.99 effective contraceptive device fails in the near future.
emeralds
Apparently I have THE MOST thoughts and feelings about this. For what it’s worth to add, I look at my boyfriend 3-4 times a month and feel a warm, rushing, googly-eyed sensation* of love and happiness that I have never felt for any other human in my life. In the 1.5 years we’ve been dating, I’ve seriously questioned our relationship twice, aside from the analytical brain-churn. We’ll see what the future holds, but I feel like I can live with that certainty:not ratio.
*I am not a googly-eyed person in real life, despite feeling like I come across as super fluffy and kumbayah on this s*te.
TO Lawyer
I feel that sensation for my boyfriend too and I’ve never felt that for anyone else. I feel like that’s a good sign.
Anonymous
For those interested in a statistical approach to whether to marry, there was an article that went around awhile ago. Putting a link in my signature. The part that I found thought-provoking was the rule of 37 percent. From the article:
“It tells you that if you are destined to date ten people in your lifetime, you have the highest probability of finding The One when you reject your first four lovers (where you’d find them 39.87 percent of the time). If you are destined to date twenty people, you should reject the first eight (where Mister or Miz Right would be waiting for you 38.42 percent of the time). And, if you are destined to date an infinite number of partners, you should reject the first 37 percent, giving you just over a one in three chance of success.
[…]
Say you start dating when you are fifteen years old and would ideally like to settle down by the time you’re forty. In the first 37 percent of your dating window (until just after your twenty-fourth birthday), you should reject everyone; use this time to get a feel for the market and a realistic expectation of what you can expect in a life partner. Once this rejection phase has passed, pick the next person who comes along who is better than everyone who you have met before. Following this strategy will definitely give you the best possible chance of finding the number one partner on your imaginary list.”
MathMagic!
This is an application of the secretary problem to dating, the idea being that if you want an above average partnership you must first determine what an average partnership is and still have enough options left that you’ll find someone with whom you can beat the average. (FYI, 37% is 1/e.) I don’t love this application of it because it ignores human growth and change. That a relationship between 15 year olds can not be seriously compared to a relationship between 25 year olds because the 25yos are adults, not children, and are dealing with adult issues that 15yos never face (financial responsibility, professional jobs, etc).
Anonymous
Plus it assumes you’ll be meeting and dating people at the same rate throughout your life and I don’t think most people find that to be true.
Anon at 3:40
I agree that it’s not an ideal application. Even the quoted section says it only gives you “one in three odds of success.” A 66 percent chance of failure sucks. But if you’re young and on the fence about your relationship is the right one, it offers the reassurance that you’re statistically likely to meet someone you could like at least as much. And if that’s not reassuring enough, well, maybe you like your current beau better than you think?
Delta Dawn
I was going to reference the same thing! This data is really interesting. From a statistical standpoint, it seems like a really good formula to maximize your chances of marrying the “right” person, which is almost distilled into “is this the best I can do” for purposes of that analysis. But isn’t that really the OP’s question anyway? Is this the best she can do?
Serafina (OP)
Thank you all for the kind and thoughtful replies! I haven’t talked this openly with anyone in real life, and I got a little teary-eyed in my office reading them to just feel like someone understood.
Scarlett
All things being equal, wait for the “F-yea!” guy. It’s so worth waiting for that person you just click with and know you have to be with. I understand wanting to settle if you have goals like having kids, but unless you know that you’ll be happy having kids with someone you don’t feel amazing about, I’d rethink that goal. Personally, my view was always I’d rather be single than in a marriage that was anything less than 100% f-yea amazing. I had a lot of boyfriends & got a lot of good relationship experience with them, but I am SO glad I waited to marry the person I was completely sure of. And my husband feels exactly the same way. It was a long road of single pain to get here, but totally worth it. So, I’m not a fan of settling at all. And as I said this morning, when you don’t know, you actually do know that’s not your person.
TK
I married this person when I was 22. Divorced two years later. I didn’t think I was the type to have the ‘f*ck yeah’ feeling about someone I was dating. Then I met my current husband and it was instantaneous. We fight but I have never, even for a second, thought about leaving because there is no question my life is better with him in it and I can’t imagine what it would even look like otherwise.
If you aren’t sure, you aren’t doing him any favors by staying with him out of a feeling of obligation / pity / guilt. You’re young. Give yourself a chance to find someone amazing.
Anonymous2
I’ll have to check out the Freya when I get home as it is NSFW.
Anonymous
Ugh. I screwed up. I confused two briefs, thought we were all set on one, and turns out it was the other one. Now I might have to write this one myself (instead of being able to delegate) and not looking forward to it. Plus I haven’t written a brief in awhile. Plus I have a plateful of lots of other stuff. Ugh ugh ugh.
Idea
This happened to me last Friday. It ruined my weekend and week. I think it’s over now.
You’ll be ok. You can get through it. It won’t be as bad as you think.
Recs needed!
Now that my huge bottle of moisturizer is finally running low, I’m ready to make a switch to a new lotion. Current lotion is DML – pros are that it is relatively inexpensive and does not break me out (I have very acne prone skin). Cons are that a few hours into my day, my face simultaneously feels both oily and dry.
Ready, set, go! What is your daily moisturizer and how happy with it are you on a scale from 1-10? Also, please include your skin type for reference :)
Diana Barry
I use Origins a perfect world spf 25.
Anonymous
Sensitive, combination skin prone to hormonal acne. I’ve been using Clinique Dramatically Different since I was a teenager and I’ll never use anything else. Con is that it doesn’t contain sunscreen. It’s more expensive than drugstore moisturizers but the bottle lasts for a long time and Clinique generally costs less than many other skincare lines.
Anonymous
Clinique dramatically different comes in a cream for dry skin; I love it.
Anon8
I use Oil of Olay with SFP 15, but once this bottle is over I’m going to try something with a higher SPF. i have normal skin, but it does tend to get kind of shiny during the day. The Clean & Clear blotting sheets are great for midday touch ups.
meme
I also use oil of Olay and have tried a bunch of others looking for high SPF but I always go back because I have really sensitive skin and everything(!!) else seems to make my skin break out. Recently I found that Olay makes an SPF 30 that works for me just like the 15. Similar consistency, etc. So I switched to that.
Laura | Books & Foods
Interested to hear responses to this as well! I recently started a new nighttime moisturizer — a big tub of classic Nivea if you can believe it, which is highly recommended by Kate Winslet and some other ladies who have aged amazingly well. But it’s way too thick for daytime.
Betsy
I have combination skin with acne and I use Clinique. When I’m feeling spendy I upgrade to the First Aid Beauty moisturizer. It makes my skin feel amazing and clear! But the bottle is smaller than the Clinique bottle and costs more, so I have trouble justifying it all the time.
Anonymous
Olay moisturising lotion spf25. The best. Also highly recommended by beautypedia.
Anonymous
Cerave. It is drug store priced (and available) and definitely does not leave me feeling oily. I have acne prone skin even at 40÷ and never ever used moisturizer at all until my derm suggested this. I also use the very gentle cleanser and love it.
girl
I’ll second the recommendation of Cerave. I like it better than Olay; it’s not as moisturizing as Clinique, but it seems better for my acne-prone skin. I do use the hydrating cleanser in addition to the moisturizer. I will only switch away if I find a higher concentration of the active ingredients at a price I can swallow.
Charmed Girl
Skinceuticals Daily Moisture. Bobbi Brown Eye Cream. Skinceuticals Sheer Physical Sunscreen.
I’m early 40s with “tough” skin. It’s sensitive with rosacea. Also acne prone. I need to be careful not to dry it out too much or I break out. But, I also have to be careful bc I can skew oily.
Recs needed!
Thanks y’all. I’m going to do my research on all your recs and pick 2 to try. I’ll try to report back after giving a fair trial period.
Purple shampoo problem
Does anyone know how to remove the purple tint that is left behind after washing with purple shampoo?
I have been using a purple shampoo lately and now my hair has a noticeably purple tint. My hair is a very light blonde. I’ve tried washing with regular shampoo and that hasn’t helped. Purple hair is a big no no at my very conservative southern firm. One of the senior partners said something to me today. I can’t go back Monday with purple in my hair or I’ll be sent home. Is there anything I can do or do I have to dye my hair to get rid of it? Help!
Anonymous
Curious…. Which shampoo? Did you leave it on too long?
I use Jhirmack purple and have never had this. Maybe a bad bottle?
KT
I’ve had it happen when I left it on too long (5 minutes instead of just 2 or 3), and it happened a lot when I bleached my hair. The ends, since they had been bleached more often, were super porous and sucked up the purple. I had the dipped ends look before it was cool!
Sydney Bristow
I haven’t had this problem but I’d try a clarifying shampoo. You can find the neutrogena one in the squarish bottle at cvs, target, etc.
Anonymous
Try a clarifying shampoo.
Anonymous
I would try washing it several times with a normal or clarifying shampoo and conditioner. I’ve also read about home remedies of a shampoo-hydrogen peroxide solution.
Anonymous
The Neutrogena clarifying one is very good for that type of thing. You could also try a shampoo that is just made to strip the hair of stuff, like Prell.
Once, when I needed a hair color to fade fast, my stylist recommended using Dawn dishwashing liquid!
Meg Murry
Is your hair naturally light blonde or is it bleached?
Google tells me that using something pretty harsh light Dawn dish soap might take out the purplish tint, but I’d plan to follow up with a crap ton of conditioning treatment if you go that route.
You’re probably better off calling a pro than trying a DIY option that fries your hair but still leaves it purple.
KT
As someone with wayyyyy too much experience messing up my own hair…A few options
Try Prell shampoo–it’s usually on the bottom shelf of the shampoo aisle at pharmacies. It’s super strong and will take out any tint–it might take a few heavy washes but it will come out. Use a deep conditioner afterwards or your hair will feel very dry.
If even that doesn’t work…pick up a lightening kit at a pharmacy or Sally’s (I’ve used Revlon’s frost kit) and mix the lightener with a gentle, moisturizing shampoo (half bleach half shampoo). Cover your head with a shower cap and let it sit. Very important part: CHECK EVERY 10 MINUTES to see if the purple is gone–you may want to do a section first to see how your hair handles it. Once the purple is gone, wash the bleach out and condition the heck out of it.
Blonde Lawyer
What if your hair turned green from swimming? Has happened to me before. While this isn’t the hill I’d want to die on, you might want to make it clear to the grumpy partner, if you haven’t already, that you did not color your hair but it reacted poorly to a new shampoo you tried and you are researching ways to fix it. If you try the wrong thing (like a dye) you might make it look even less natural and you don’t want to cause further issues. Sorry you are dealing with this!
fake coffee snob
You can go to a pro without having to dye your hair! They can just help you with the clarifying/stripping process (and put in a conditioning treatment after, maybe…).
Anonymous
Agree with the Neutrogena suggestion (followed by deep conditioner, like the kind in box dye). Want to mention though that the purple shampoo is designed for occasional, not every day, use. If you need that much color toning, you probably need to go to a diifferent colorist who understands how to minimize brass at the outset. Otherwise, address the purple hair and start a routine of purple shampoo once a week (or less) and regular the rest of the time.
Anonymous
Canadian ‘r e t t e s, The Bay online is offering $20 off $100+ purchase. I just scored a pair of Geox shoes for a really good price.
lawsuited
The Bay is also offering $25% off all clothing, shoes, and accessories with the code VIP. I got so much stuff for a really good price!
Anonymous
Ooh I didn’t see that one! Thanks!!
Wendy
I think I better get down to The Bay, I can always use some new shoes.
Anon
Ugh general dating complaint, feel free to skip. I started seeing this guy and after the first date I was hooked! It was a 9 hour date that was supposed to just be 1 drink and lasted until 3:30am even though I had work the next day. Our subsequent dates were from Friday to Sunday. Everything was great until he stopped being as responsive to me. He suffers from adhd and depression and takes several pills each day. He would only text me once in awhile and tell me that he isn’t doing well, it’s not me, etc. I haven’t heard from him all week and don’t expect to hear from him again. Regardless of whether he was being a jerk and didn’t know how to end things or is just really having a tough time, it sucks!!! I wish I didn’t have to keep dating! It’s so disappointing to finally have a date with someone I feel a connection with only to have it blow up a few weeks later.
fake coffee snob
It didn’t “blow up”, he’s having a tough time and may be very sad that he’s disappointing you. Who knows, things might get better again. Have some compassion for the dude!
You could always offer to help out as a friend – after all, he could probably use a hand right now. Can you offer to come over with takeout or even help if there are chores he’s struggling with (like making an appointment with his doctor, or household stuff)? I know it sounds like a big thing for someone you’re barely dating, but it sounds like he’s a person that’s struggling and I know plenty of us can relate to that.
All of that goes out the window if he might just be lying/making excuses to stop dating, though.
Anon
Coming over with takeout and a movie is definitely something I would do….if he didn’t live in 4 hours away. I know it’s a little crazy but I wanted to see where things could have gone.
fake coffee snob
I feel you…I’ve had stuff go south for reasons that were just life happening a little too soon in the relationship, and it sucks. I didn’t mean to seem flip, I just felt really bad for him when I read that and I’d like to believe it’s not necessarily shot to h***.
Anon
I would like to believe it is not shot to he** too! I may have ruined it last week in my attempts to force him to talk to me. I was very upset and in my own head thinking I was just used for other things, etc. i pretty much demanded that he talk to me that day or not at all. I was very upset, sad, angry, etc. I don’t know what to do now especially with the distance.
Anonny
Honestly, if you’re feeling this off-kilter this early on in the relationship, I don’t think it’s a good match. Cut your losses.
Anonymous
Agree with cutting your losses – I dated a seriously depressed person for far too long & wouldn’t advise getting into that relationship.
Ellen
Yes, I agree. Sorry to be so late to the party again, but Grandma Leyeh is getting on my nerve’s b/c I HAD to go up there today, even tho she has 2 attendent’s to deal with her 24/7. So I missed work (and 18 hour’s of billing) and it is the end of the week, so I NOW have to work tomorow to catch up on my billing’s. FOOEY!
As for the OP, you do NOT want to start in with a depressed guy, b/c he is probabley MANIC half the time and depressed the other 1/2. I had that with Sheketovits, and when he was depressed, he soiled my apartement like a dog that was NOT housebroken. FOOEY! Who needs that? When he was MANIC, he was not all that hot anyway, b/c his breathe smelled like old shoe’s.
I recomend all women reassess their man 2x a year, and like a performance review at work, if the guy is NOT cutting it, cut it off right then and there b/c there are other fish in the sea, and not all of them are rancid. DOUBEL FOOEY!
Anonymous
I’ve been that person… It’s hard in the beginning when you want to be at your best with someone and can’t be.
If you really want to see where things go, let him know. Tell him that you want to see him, and tell him not to worry about having to show you a good time or trying to entertain you. You could mention that in the short time you’ve met him you care enough about him that you want to be there to support him when things are not at their best.
Or you could decide this is not something you want to deal with long-term. That’s cool too.
BeenThatGuy
He sounds like just the type of guy I attract. Run. I’ve dated addicts, men with mental illness, men in recovery, men with depression and anxiety. You’re only a few dates in. This won’t end well.
Remember, this is not about you, it’s him.
January
So, this relationship might have gotten a little too intense too quickly (for both of you, probably). It happens.
You’re not crazy for feeling upset that it seems not to be working out – you put yourself out there, you felt chemistry, and now you’re disappointed. This is normal, especially if you were hoping for more stable companionship, and you’re not crazy for feeling disappointed.
That said, based on your follow-up responses, I wouldn’t put any more energy into chasing this one. He (presumably?) knows how you feel, and he knows where to find you.
Anon
Ultimately this is what I’m doing. I debated reaching out one more time, but I made it clear that I wanted to talk to him. If he wants to contact me he will. If not, then it wouldn’t have worked out in the long run. It’s just the disappointment and the exhaustion of having to put myself out there….once again!
Anonymous
Anyone have an outdoor wedding near the coast/a marsh below the gnat line in April-May? Am I crazy for considering this? (For those unfamiliar with the gnat line–http://southofthegnatline.blogspot.com/p/gnat-line-101_28.html)
Anon
I went to a warm September wedding on a bayou in Mississippi. Even wth citronella candles, bug spray, etc, I still got so many bug bites (it looked like I had chicken pox), I had to leave the reception early because I physically felt sick.
Gnats don’t bite, though. But swatting at insects throughout her reception wasn’t appetizing or enjoyable at all. Will you be somewhere breezy?
Anonymous
Oh no, these suckers bite. South Carolina/Georgia coast. No-see-ums and gnats (or at least, that’s what we always called them. Maybe they’re not true gnats?). Some people are more sensitive to them than others–I fall in the not sensitive category, so they don’t really bother me and I never really thought about it until my parents mentioned it. I know they’re bad in early Spring (which is March), but I don’t live there and it’s been a while since I was there in late April/early May and I can’t remember if they’re as bad once you get out of the first few weeks of Spring.
Leatty
I did and it was completely fine. I got married in May along a coastal inlet in Florida and don’t remember any gnats.
Wildkitten
Are your gnats the kind that you can make go away by lighting a thousand citronella candles and providing every guest with insect repellent? If so, I think you would just need to take those into account when planning.
Anonymous
As someone who routinely is eaten alive by mosquitoes, please don’t do this to your guests!
Idea
+1 Quick picturesque ceremony.
Reception inside in the air conditioning ASAP
anon
I had an outdoor April wedding on the coast off Charleston. We were within sight of the ocean so I think that helped with enough breeze for bugs Reception was indoors. Breezy is the key. Move a couple of miles inland and the gnats are miserable.
Anonymous
Can I ask where you had it? I’m considering a couple of coastal venues near Charleston.
Anon
What are your favorite grocery store wines?
Preferably under $15 or so.
Mine are:
Starborough Sauvignon Blanc
La Vieille Ferme Rose
And basically any Cotes du Rhone in my price range
Wildkitten
$8 Robert Mondavi – Malbec or Pinot Grigio depending on the season.
Anon
Bogle Essential Red. Yeah, it’s a blend, but it’s really drinkable. Huge hit with my early 30s crowd.
Sydney Bristow
I like Bogle Chardonnay. My in laws are majorly into fancy wine but this is what my MIL drinks regularly. She got me into it. I think it’s about $7.
Anonymous
Filon – a Spanish red blend almost always under $10
MNer
Well, if they allowed wine to be sold in grocery stores here…
14 Hands Red Blend
anything Beringer
Bluestocking
Apothic Red
Relax Riesling
Cupcake (any red)
Gnarly Head zinfandel and cabernet
Mad Housewife cabernet
Ecco Domani pinot grigio
La Vielle Ferme red
Anonymous
I love cabernets. Most of the ones I like are closer to $20 a bottle, but the black labelled number series (I think their cab is 667?), Educated Guess, Chateau St. Michelle (their riesling is good too). Also like Meiomi’s pinot noir, also in the $20 range.
For dessert wines, The Chocolate Shop.
Best Coast
I think you’re thinking of Noble wines, 337 is their cab. One of my favorites too! Runs about $13 here.
sip
Goats do Roam red blnd, Nobilo Sav Blanc Gruet sparkling. The red Bota boxes aren’t bad either
Anonymous
For Sauvignon Blanc, I like Oyster Bay and Kim Crawford (both from NZ), both of which are v. widely available. Kim Crawford is sometimes over $20 but usually can be found for ~$15.
I also like Sterling cabernet.
Super anon
I really like that Kim Crawford and am glad someone mentioned it. Also a sentimental favorite–we served it at our mid-August wedding (and, to this thread’s point got so many compliments).
Anonymous
Also like the Kim Crawford, and pick it up at Costco.
X
JLohr chardonnay, Kendall Jackson chardonnay
Anon
I really like malbecs, and I think they’re a great value wine since production costs are lower in Argentina than in a lot of other wine regions. Punto Final is a go-to for me. Alamos is often on sale for $7.99 at my grocery store, and I find it highly drinkable.
Hiring hell
I work in recruiting and hiring at a Midlaw firm. This week I had a father chew me out on the phone because we were ‘mean’ to his daughter during her interview and a mother who accompanied her son to the interview and was upset when she couldn’t come into the actual job interview with him. One of the attorneys here also had a mother call him and yell because he sent her daughter (who is an attorney) home to change because she was inappropriately dressed and not following the dress code. Seriously. I am aware that 99.999% of parents are not like this. It’s been a crazy week here.
emeralds
Ugh lady as someone in higher ed, all the sympathy in the world. I got screamed at by a parent this week because their precious darling baby didn’t update their permanent address when their parents moved, which led to something getting mailed to the wrong address. I don’t work in student records or the office directly responsible for the piece of mail; their kid would have received a reminder to verify their address every time they logged into the student information system until they did it, leading me to presume that they just clicked “correct” without reading anything. Please tell me why screaming at me for 10 minutes straight is the correct way to resolve this problem.
sweetknee
Holy cow! I know we joke in my mid size law office in the Southeast about millenials and their helicopter parents, but I think that would make me speechless!
We were interviewing one fresh graduate a few years ago. Her dad was relatively prominent in our small town. After the second interview, he called my partner and told him that he should hurry up and make a decision! If it had been me, I would not have hired her out of spite. My partner did, and she was gone less than a year later, a week before a huge Federal Court trial that she had been working on since her first week here.
I know I sound like an old fuddy duddy, but WTH is up with that?! GET OFF MY LAWN.
lost academic
How do these parents not understand that they are destroying the chances of their children?
Idea
And, destroying their children in the process. :(
Anonymous
Too true :(
Used iPhone?
Where is the best place to buy a used iPhone? Is there a way to confirm that any phone I buy is not stolen? Experiences going this route? It’s time to get my daughter a phone but am definitely not getting her a brand new one.
Wildkitten
http://www.cnet.com/news/get-a-refurbished-unlocked-iphone-5c-for-99-99/
Bonnie
Refurbished through Apple. High chance that any phone you buy off craigslist or eBay is stolen.
fake coffee snob
Plus you can go to apple for services in the future, if you want. I needed a battery replacement and any third-party place cost basically the same as apple (and they don’t stand behind the parts/work nearly as well). My phone is an eBay phone that I inherited from my brother, though, so I got the replacement done at Apple but I was gritting my teeth the whole time worried that they would find previous third-party work or a record of it being stolen.
Oh, or you could ask around and see if anyone you know upgraded and has a working phone lying around that they would sell or give you. I’m still using a 5S and it’s definitely not too slow or old yet.
Blonde Lawyer
There is a number on the phone you can check w/ the carrier to make sure it is a phone that has not been reported stolen. However, someone can sell you a phone with a good number and then report it stolen themselves to collect insurance money.
I just successfully sold my old phone on Craigslist today. The buyer checked that number before picking it up. We met in a public safe location (lobby of my office building actually). I put in my ad why I was selling the phone. I had to switch to Verizon and couldn’t take an ATT phone with me. As a buyer, look for ads that seem to explain the situation and are written by a human. If I was the buyer, I may have asked to see my Verizon phone to show that I really had switched carriers. That would decrease the chance that I’d be making an insurance claim on the ATT phone or otherwise reporting as stolen.
Anonymous
Wait until the next model comes out and there will be tons of people on craigslist, etc selling their older models.
Lean in? Out? Sideways? What?
Having a bit of a “lean in” dilemma – I landed an interview this week for something of a dream position – a hybrid teaching/administration role at a law school – and really, really liked the sound of the role and the people I interviewed with. I also felt like the interview went well – I’ve had plenty of successful and unsuccessful interviews in my past, and this definitely felt like it fell on the “successful” side of the line. I’ll know next week whether I am being offered the position. So, here’s the (potential) problem:
The position comes with a 90-minute each way commute. I don’t necessarily mind the commute for its own sake, but the last time I commuted this much, it hurt my marriage because I wasn’t home enough for my husband’s preference, and it cut into my ability to take on chores and responsibilities around the house. At that time, we were living in a smallish apartment – now, we own a home (so, lots more to do) and a dog (so, yet still more to do at home).
On the one hand, the position feels like the perfect transition into where I want the rest of my career to take me (namely, out of law and into higher ed); on the other hand, my husband is likely to feel neglected/annoyed/put-upon by my increased absence. An additional complication is that I’m in my early 30s, and I would like to have at least one child, but I can’t see the logistics of child care working with the requirements of this position, so taking the position would potentially delay child-related plans for two-ish years, which makes me nervous. In an ideal universe, I’d solve the problems with taking the position by moving, but that’s not an option because (a) we just bought our house last year, so we’d lose money doing that; and (b) my husband would never, ever agree to move. I suppose the ultimate answer is that this is a case of “right position, wrong location/time,” and I probably just need to turn it down if offered, but the thought of turning down such a great transition job when jobs like this one are few and far between (and jobs like this one where they’re willing to take a chance on someone new to higher ed are fewer and farther between) makes me sad. Is there some other solution I’m missing? Thoughts and ideas are welcome.
Bonnie
I don’t see this as a lean in problem but a lifestyle problem. Driving 3 hrs a day sounds miserable to me and not conducive to family life if you plan on TTC.
Meg Murry
Is it the kind of position where you could do all your on-campus work in 3 days instead of 5 and work from home the other 2? For instance, teach all your classes M-W-F and work from home T & Th? or even consider renting a room in the college town if you could swing a M-T-W or T-W-Th block of on-campus duties? I have friends that worked that kind of schedules when they were professors an hour plus drive away from home – but that didn’t involve administrative duties, and I don’t know that they had that kind of schedule flexibility until post tenure.
Anonymous
That kind of flexibility is very common even pre-tenure, but perhaps not with admin duties. My DH is an assistant prof and normally only goes into the university on day’s he’s teaching…even though we live a couple miles from campus. He just prefers to have the non-teaching days to focus on research at home without distractions.
Anonymous
I feel for you. That sounds like a really tough situation. Frankly, your husband sounds like he’s being really unreasonable. Why is he so resistant to moving, other than the issue of losing money on the house (which seems like it could be easily solved by renting it out and renting a place in the new area)? Even if his job is in your current city, he should be open to moving halfway in between so that you can each commute for ~45 minutes. I would be so, so hurt & angry at my husband if I had a rare opportunity like this and he wouldn’t move.
Anonymous
I also second Meg Murry’s comment that the best way to deal with a 90 minute commute is trying to work out a three day a week schedule and renting a small apartment, and then staying in the job place Monday and Tuesday nights. That’s absolutely what my husband and I would do if one of us got a dream job 90 minutes away. But from your comment, it sounds like your husband wouldn’t support that.
Blonde Lawyer
I may be completely wrong but I think one of them needs to live in the house 2 years to avoid capital gains taxes.
Sutemi
If they are losing money on the house then there are no capital gains to be taxed.
RR
You are making a long term career decision based upon the preferences of a man who (as you describe him, obviously I don’t know him) seems like he’s being an unsupportive baby. So, what’s the chance you are making a long term career decision for a short term marriage? Because this stuff will get worse as kids and more responsibility come into the picture.
That said, 90 minutes each way is a big commute. It just seems like it’s not the commute putting you off; it’s not wanting to deal with your husband’s disapproval.
Anonymous
+1
I don’t think it’s crazy to turn down a dream job because it has a 90-minute one way commute and you don’t want to do that. I do think it’s crazy to turn down a dream job because your husband is unhappy about the commute and unwilling to move. My husband would probably be sad about me being away from the house for 11+ hours a day M-F (although he definitely wouldn’t phrase it as me not being home enough to do chores), but he would fully support us moving together or me renting an apartment and staying there a couple of nights a week and then working from home the other days. Query whether this marriage is worth sacrificing this job for, because to me it sounds like it’s really not.
Bluestocking
Agreed. Your husband sounds like more of a roadblock to this position than any of the other (not minor) concerns.
Lean in? Out? Sideways? What?
In fairness to my husband, we’ve been together 8 years and in that time, I’ve gone from law student to Biglaw attorney to law clerk to Tiny-law attorney to Small-law attorney, so from his perspective, this is yet another job that may or may not (and, he thinks, probably won’t) stick. In contrast, he stayed in his first position out of college for over a decade, so he really doesn’t understand the job-changing at all and sees me as a job-hopper. In my defense, the clerkship was, by definition, temporary, and the Tiny-law job was the one that I had to leave because of what the commute was doing to our relationship, so I don’t think his perception of me is necessarily fair, but I understand why he doesn’t want to uproot our life so I can try out yet another career.
Anonymous
This additional information makes me think even worse of your husband, honestly. You’re not “trying out yet another career.” You’ve had one career, and you’re trying a new job, one that is a dream job for a huge number of attorneys in private practice. And like you said, some of the jobs were by definition temporary, and Big Law is pretty temporary for most people too. It’s normal in law to have this number of jobs in an 8 year span and his characterization of you as a job hopper seems really judgmental and unfair.
As an aside, would your hours with this job (even with the commute) really be greater than Big Law? Was he ok with the Big Law hours, or unhappy about them? If this is a 40 hour a week job, the hours (even with commute) could easily be better than Big Law.
Anonymous
Also if the “job hopping” is really his concern, agree to do part-time long distance (you stay in the new city during the weekday, or whatever weekdays you have to be on campus) for a year. At the end of the year you can either assure him that you love it and that this is indeed a long-term thing, and he can move to be with you, or if it’s not such a great job, you can leave it and return to living with him full-time.
Anonny
Honestly, I’d be in your husband’s camp. Why would you replicate what you had in the tiny-law job when you know it already didn’t work?
Anonymous
Um, because her husband made her quit that job because she was away from the house too much?
Lean in? Out? Sideways? What?
To clarify, with tiny law job, it was both a commuting issue and an overall-number-of-hours-at-work issue – I was frequently out the door by 7am, and the absolute earliest I ever made it home was 10pm (and usually it was more like 11). He wasn’t wrong that it was a problem; I took the job with the understanding that we’d seriously evaluate the possibility of moving closer at the 6 month mark when our lease was up; when that time came, he refused to move and so I started job hunting for something closer to home at the 1 year mark (which was, I felt, the earliest I could possibly leave).
Anonny
“Refused to move” makes him sound defiant and unwilling to negotiate/compromise. Was that the case? How would a move have effected his job? Your lives outside of work? other factors to consider why not moving would have been his preference?
Without those answers, I still sit in DH’s camp. The tiny law job wa, at the onset, a trial and it did not work out. It ended after you both identified it causing a serious problem. The issue will only replicate itself.
Anon
90 mins one-way commute is not easy. My husband did 90 min each way Amtrak commute and 30 mins each way car commute (so total 2 hours each way) and for 1.5 years and I just did everything related to the house (cooking, cleaning, any other chores that had to be done in the city we live) because his weekdays were completely occupied and I wanted to spend quality time with him during the weekend than catching up on errands. I didn’t mind doing it because he took that job as he had to take it (for lot of other reasons). But I was tired being the person solely responsible for everything. It took a toll on his health as he was always sleep deprived, not time to exercise and poor eating habits. So, don’t underestimate the toll it takes on you and your health. So,I don’t think this commute can be a long term option.
I think your husband can be more supportive. Why don’t you sit and talk with him, divide the labour and just do your part.It will not be ideal for you, bur you get to work where you want.
Anon
Can you move? If it’s really a dream job, you should consider it. 90 minutes each way is laughably awful, and although I think your husband should try to be supportive, there’s no denying that it will eat up a HUGE chunk of your day and probably lead to a lot of stress all-around. It’s also not very financially or environmentally savvy; any chance it’s on a train so you could at least get work done on the way or something and avoid wearing down your car?
Anon
Also, I realize you said you couldn’t move and it does sound tough – I just mean that maybe you should try to find a way. Good luck!
Lean in? Out? Sideways? What?
Should’ve mentioned in my OP – the commute is by public transportation, so if anything, less wear-and-tear on my car than I’m currently dealing with.
I (obviously) agree that moving is the best option if I want to be able to take the job, but the not-moving thing is non-negotiable for my husband. I don’t know, maybe that means I should be thinking about divorce, but the idea of getting divorced in my early 30s over a job opportunity feels insane to me.
Anonymous
You wouldn’t be getting divorced over a job opportunity. You would be getting divorced because your husband is a pr!ck who can’t show a modicum of support for you.
Anonymous
+1 – he just sounds super selfish. Fine, don’t move but don’t put pressure on you to do chores, etc. hire out that stuff or live with it not being done. I’d leave this guy too. Starter marriage. Look for someone more supportive next time who can understand what you’re going through and demonstrate some empathy.
Midwest Lawyer
Your husband sounds like an unsupportive jacka**. I bet he’s one of those conservative pricks that think women should take care of the household on their own too.
Blonde Lawyer
I get that your husband won’t move but would he be okay with you living in your job’s city two nights/week?
Anonymous
The question of your roles in the relationship, particularly once there are more than two of you, has not been addressed here yet. I think that is the key to the whole thing. It sounds to me like he’s assuming that he is the breadwinner and your work is optional. Have you discussed this in depth with him?
For me, staying near campus 4 nights/week or doing my teaching in night classes and having 4 office days and a 3 day weekend every week would be the answer, but I’m not you.
Delta Dawn
Is this a husband problem? You say “I wasn’t home enough for my husband’s preference” and “my husband is likely to feel neglected/annoyed/put-upon by my increased absence.” It’s interesting that you don’t say “I missed spending time with my husband” or “I’ll be sad that we won’t get to spend enough time together.”
Coupled with “my husband would never, ever agree to move,” it sounds like he’s not very supportive. I hope I am interpreting that incorrectly, though. If you had a more supportive partner, I would say the position sounds awesome, and you should move so you can take it without a three hour daily commute. The way this reads, though, he wants you to be home a certain amount but is not willing to move so that you can avoid a long commute (and be home more). He needs to compromise if he doesn’t want to be “annoyed” by your absence by moving closer to this dream job and eliminating the commute.
(I know this analysis does not include you losing money on the house you just bought, but I would just say that’s an opportunity cost of taking a job you really want, and that’s ok. Is the amount of money you’ll lose on the house worth missing out on a job you really want?)
Lean in? Out? Sideways? What?
Admittedly, it’s kind of a husband problem – he doesn’t understand my career struggles at all (see: got a job out of college and stayed there for over a decade), so what, to me, feels like natural early-career struggles with figuring out what I want to do for the next thirty years reads, to him, like me being flighty and unreliable. (I’m sure it doesn’t help that nearly all of my job changes have come with pay cuts.) Every time I’ve started a new job (except for the clerkship) it’s been with the hope that I’ve found the place to build a career, and every time, I’ve been wrong – I really, really don’t blame him for not wanting to upend his life just so I can take another shot at the “maybe this is the career?” wheel.
He also, for personal reasons, is deeply invested in creating stability (especially with respect to our housing situation), and I’ve known from basically our third date that we were not going to be the couple who lives in a bunch of different places and moves around a lot. It’s what I signed up for – asking for a different life now is basically asking to break one of the fundamental agreements of our marriage. Maybe it’s not fair of my husband to hold early-30s me to something 24 year old me agreed to before I’d even finished law school, but I am having a hard time justifying blowing up my marriage over it. Which, I guess, means I’m going to miss out on this job.
Anonymous
Um I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who was gone 16 hours a day and sleeping the remainder. What’s the point???? You all are slamming the husband, but I kind of see his point…
Anonymous
I wouldn’t either, but I think it’s really unreasonable that he won’t move AND won’t do long distance AND isn’t ok with her being gone M-W AND isn’t ok with a long commute. Any of those things alone is not unreasonable, but cumulatively they add up to being unsupportive because he’s unwilling to compromise in any way so his wife can take a dream job that is insanely competitive and that she couldn’t have gotten right out of law school. It’s not like she just wants to move firms. Getting into academia is really tough and almost always involves a move.
Anonymous
Honestly, I don’t quite understand why you applied to this job in the first place, when the 90 minute each way commute was unsustainable and you knew your husband’s position on moving? Especially, considering you said having kids was in the near future…. Especially since you just bought this house. Something seems ….. off. Did you want the relationship to somehow come to a head?
Well, to play devil’s advocate….. you are at a stage in life where many people do stabilize their careers and have kids. Your husband is not crazy for wanting this, and for being worried a 180 minute commute for you will risk your relationship. That is not crazy.
But I am in my 40’s and I STILL don’t know what I want to do with my life. Part of that is my personality. If that is your personality, and maybe it doesn’t mesh with your husband’s, now might be the time to do some serious sole searching…. before you have kids.
Anonymous
Agreed. Seems like you really tried to make this an issue.
Anonymous
Maybe for a good reason? I couldn’t spend my life with a guy who didn’t understand my career. It’s not hard to listen and empathize with a fairly normal legal path. Or to understand what comes with getting into academia. He sounds like someone more concerned with his own interests. I’d cut my losses before having kids with that guy, personally.
OP Again
I applied to the job before we bought the house – they took in applications 6+ months ago, and I assumed I hadn’t gotten it when we decided to move forward with the house, since I had never heard back. I did not knowingly apply for a 90 minute commute. Maybe I should’ve turned down the interview, but I wanted to know more about the position (and was hoping there would be some flexibility in the schedule, which, it turns out, there isn’t).
Anonymous
Yeah, this is a weak explanation…. I think you know that.
I think you have to figure out what you want. It’s not always easy to do. And sometimes we can’t have everything we want.
Only you truly know what’s going on in your mind, and how your relationship is with your husband. All of our comments are just window dressing. Hopefully it just helps you think of the questions you need to be asking yourself.
Anonymama
Yeah, and the way OP doesn’t seem to take ownership of her decisions… You did all these things for him, or because he wasn’t happy, but I wonder why there doesn’t seem to be a we in how you describe your life. I mean, what do you actually want? Not just career wise, but in terms of house, where you want to live, kids, etc. and have you been up front with your husband about it? It sounds like you are not entirely happy with the decisions you as a couple have made on that front, but that you also haven’t figured out what you actually want, so are going along with the decision because he knows what he wants and he feels strongly about it. But then it seems like you may not have been totally direct with your husband about how you feel. Like, do you like your house? You just bought it a year ago?! Why do you make your main point, he refuses to move, rather than we just bought a house so ain’t practical to move now.
Trish
I understand why your husband feels resentful of his wife being away from home so long every day. He wants a marriage. As for chores, it makes sense to hire a maid. As for kids, I can’t imagine working 90 minutes from home and trying to have a baby.
Anonymous
I’ve had a number of occasions where I have applied to dream jobs, sometimes in different countries. And yeah, it would obviously cause drama in the married life and complicate things with my gym membership and mortgage and whatever but I simply don’t believe I should deny myself an opportunity. And if nothing else applying for a job is good experience for you and it gets your name out and helps you to realize your priorities and what options are out there in terms of places that might hire you, directions your career could go in and salary.
Two years ago my husband was offered a job literally on the other side of the country. It was a one year temporary job with NO guarantee of a renewal. This was at a time when the husband and I both had full paying jobs. I told him I wasn’t moving and he turned it down. Then ultimately the company hired 12 temporary employees and only offered one of them a full time job (in an open competition where like 250 people applied). And people in our industry still think I am an unsupportive spouse for telling him there was no way we would uproot our lives for that nonsense.
Men do these things all the time. If your husband woke up to a cool opportunity and wanted to move to Istanbul literally everyone would be on his side. There is no reason you can’t have career dreams or apply for your dream job. You deserve happiness at work. Go for the job, if you get it you can figure it out from there. Think of this as a great chance to really figure out your priorities.
Anon
I know this is a crazy thing to ask strangers on the Internet, but here goes.
My grandfather – the only father I’ve ever known – is dying. Nothing specific, just the general slow organ failure that happens when you’re over 90. I spent a great deal of time with my grandparents this past fall when he was still in good health.
I’m trying to decide now whether to go see him. I am so sorry to say this, but the problem is money. I used most of my frequent flier miles back in the fall, and now I only have enough miles to make one trip. Do I go now for vague ailments? Do I go later when it’s the end to be at his bedside?
Tickets are $350 and don’t get much cheaper bc it’s a small airport. Yes, I can put them on my CC, but I’m afraid with the other future trips necessary (final days, funeral, and another separate one to comfort Grandma after it’s over), that I’ll have $1k in debt in no time.
Will I regret not going? He’s still at home, very weak, can’t walk without assistance, doesn’t leave his bed most days. Still strong enough to bicker with my grandmother though, ha…and I think seeing him in this state plus the bickering will be very hard.
What would you do?
Anon
I would sign up for a new travel rewards credit card to get the travel bonus/frequent flyer miles. You might not spend enough in time to benefit this trip if you decide to go, but it could really help provide more miles if you need to fly back out again (and you can downgrade the card status before the annual fee kicks in, although the first year is often waived). If I were you, I would try to go one more time before the funeral. If you’re only looking at worst-case $1K credit card debt, that’s not something you’ll regret in the future. I’m sorry that your family is going through this.
Wildkitten
This is another really good idea.
Killer Kitten Heels
I think you need to plan at least one trip now-ish, while he’s still as much of himself as he is ever going to be. I missed my grandmother’s final days by holding out too long (I was in college and broke, and also locked into a competitive internship program – she passed away three hours before my flight landed), and the one thing that helped me make my peace with missing her passing the way that I had was knowing that I’d been there two months prior when she was still very much aware and awake, and knowing that we’d had the opportunity to spend quality time together then.
Another thought – could you combine flying and driving to help you afford more trips? I don’t know what part of the country your grandparents are in, but I’ve had good luck cutting down on travel costs by flying into a major metro airport and then driving 4ish hours to my final destination instead of trying to fly directly to my final destination. You can usually rent a basic car through CostcoTravel or similar for less than $20/day, and if you only need the car to go to/from the airport, you could even do one-day, one-way rentals on your arrival and departure days to cut down on cost even further.
Unsub
Today is the 4th anniversary of my mother’s death. I’d do anything to have one more day with her. Go. Go now.
Wildkitten
Go now.
Anonymous
For me… I would go early and often, even if it meant taking on debt. I’d say try to go now, while he’s still lucid and your visit will bring him some joy and try to be there when it’s closer to the end.
My husband was not there when his grandmother, who more or less raised him, passed away because we were told her hospitalization wasn’t serious. I think, in hindsight, he wishes he’d made regular trips, regardless of the cost, just to see her as often as possible in her last year.
Anonymous
Go. When my father was sick (cancer), I kept pushing back my planned visit because he seemed to be still doing okay for the most part, doctors were optimistic, and I felt like I needed to save my $1000 last-minute-fare money and out of office time for when things got worse. It was summer with 4th of July and Labor Day coming up as long weekends to go home, and I had flights booked. And then, it turned suddenly, and I couldn’t even wait for the next available flight–I packed my car and drove through in the middle of the night without stopping just to get a few conscious hours to say goodbye. I have so much regret that I didn’t go up there more, and get to see him before he fell into total organ failure and didn’t have the energy to talk for more than 5 minutes. You’ve got a lifetime to earn back the money.
S in Chicago
Go now, while he’s lucid. You will have more memories and it will mean more to him. My father is at the end of a terminal illness now, and I can’t say enough how much more it meant when I visited with him when he was home bound but still mentally completely there. At the end, visiting is more about comforting the caregiver (my mom) than holding meaningful conversations. Also, tomorrow is never promised. Lost my MIL this year on no notice–wish we had talked more now but I had taken a new job and kept telling myself we would catch up properly the next visit. You just never know when a heart is going to stop.
AIMS
I’d go now. There are few things I regret as much as not seeing my dad more before he died. There’s actually one specific day I didn’t go to see him when he was sick (but I didn’t realize how sick) and it haunts me on a pretty regular basis. Pay cash now and, if you need to, use the CC later. Also – when the later happens, call the airline and see about a special fare in this situation. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
Constant Reader
Go now, for the reasons that others have written. My husband waited overnight to drive 5 hours when his 87 year old father went into the hospital because it wasn’t considered an emergency, and had to pull over and call me, sobbing, because his dad died before he arrived — one hour out. Lucidity and ability to connect matters both for you and for your grandfather, and slow organ failure is only slow until it’s not. I’m sorry you are facing this — but I don’t think you’ll regret going more, even if you take on some debt.
Idea
I would go but I put family first and money last and my bank account shows it :(
There’s some good advice here, all I can offer are internet hugs for you and Grandma. Your plans and thinking show that they did a great job.
Anonymous
Go now. I couldn’t. My grandfather was on the other side of the globe, and I didn’t have $1800 for the ticket. I wish beyond wish I could go back and be in debt for that at 23%.
Anonymous
I cannot even begin to imagine a world in which I would let anything get in the way of going, especially money.
Min Donner
Go now. If you can go again later also, great, but go now. My grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We saw him as soon as possible after and had a lovely time, and at the end of the visit he told my husband they would have to break out the Johnnie Walker Blue Label next time we visited. He deteriorated rapidly after that. I proposed visiting again a few months later (we live on another continent), and my grandmother said no – we had seen him when he was himself and he wouldn’t recognize us now and it would just be upsetting to all of us. He died shortly after. I’m still sad I didn’t get to see him again, but the memories I have of him are as I always knew him – vital and funny and sharp. I miss him every day, but I know that he was immensely proud of me pursuing my dreams and in no small part he is the reason that I am where I am today.
TLDR: always err on the side of sooner rather than later.
Alanna of Trebond
Go and stay there. I miss my grandfather every day.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t be worrying about money at all. You would regret not seeing your grandfather as much as you could all for the sake of a couple grand in credit card debt.
Trainwreck
Looks like dating is a bit of a theme this weekend, so I’ll throw one out there. I’m 29 and recently broke up with a boyfriend of 8+ years and moved to a different country. I spent almost my entire 20s in a relationship, and now I feel like I’m reverting back to a college mentality with dating, i.e. drinking more than I should, obsessing about texts, jumping into (ahem) relations too soon. I’m not entirely focused on marriage/kids at this point but I know I don’t have forever and this certainly isn’t the way to get there. I feel like this is a time in my life where I finally have it together in my career and yet I feel woefully under prepared to date. Has anyone had this experience? How did you get to the other side? I’m considering just swearing off interacting with men all together until I can be an adult about it, but I’m not sure how to change this mindset.
Anonymous
Just fuck the hot men until you get bored with it.
Anonymous
ah have fun. Get to know yourself and your preferences. You need some experience before you figure out who you want to spend your life with. Be open to whatever comes your way and don’t overthink it. Just use a condom. And the pill.
Min Donner
You were in a relationship for such a large portion of your “adult life” and “formative years” and now you need to take the time to get to know who YOU are, aside from any partner. Don’t beat yourself up for dating around or having fun or just taking life as it comes. Yes – there are ‘limits’ to a woman’s childbearing ability. But these differ for every woman, and there are also medical-intervention options as well as adoption etc., so I wouldn’t get too hung up on your biological clock at this point. You just have to date, and take each encounter as a not serious thing – just a chance to interact with another human and see if you click. Or not date, and hang out with friends and take up new hobbies and just enjoy the s*it out of life! Or (preferably) both! Dating is awkward and weird sometimes… the key is not getting too invested in any particular person before you’ve met them and been out a few times, and not getting ahead of yourself. There are plenty of blogs and threads on this site and other sources to counsel you on dating, but my advice – for now – is just enjoy getting to know what you as an adult like with regards to everything and don’t be hard on yourself because you don’t meet whatever arbitrary standard you think adults should meet.
Anonymous
I went through two periods where I had a bunch of one night stands. Each time, I hit a point where I realized it wasn’t making me happy and I stopped. In between the two, I had a couple of ~1 year relationships. Don’t feel like there is any more of dating you must do–not “serious”, not bed-hopping, not Tinder. Explore what your needs are. Good luck!
Life is pain, princess
How do you deal with the unfairness of life? I’ve had two easy pregnancies and live a blessed life. My friend suffered 2 miscarriages before giving birth to a little girl who is now having heart problems from the get go. It’s not f’ing fair. I’ve done nothing to warrant my/our good luck… She’s done nothing for theirs. It makes me sad.
Anonymous
I don’t know. It’s really hard and it sucks. I’m on the other end…it feels like bad things are constantly happening to me/my family while all my friends are so blessed. “This too shall pass” is something I tell myself a lot.
Life
Be sad. Be empathic. Don’t be as selfish. Realize that most of life is unfair, and that it is often luck that determines who gets what in life. Truly.
And don’t abandon your friends that go through hard times. This means your friends who get divorced, your friend’s who have close family members/children/spouses/parents die, your friends that get cancer, your friends that get fired, your friends that have mental illness etc…
If you don’t have friends like these, it probably means that you have abandoned them.
Help.
Anon
Wow, Life, I think you are projecting here. OP has expressed nothing but empathy. Nothing about abandoning her friends.
Life
These are general recommendations for all of us. I am not projecting them onto anyone. She asked for advice. This is good advice for everyone to take whatever is relevant to them.
I told her it is ok to feel sad, which is the only point she made specific to herself. That is normal, and honestly, in our quest for a “happy” life sometimes we don’t spend enough time with the sadness to give us better perspective.
Only she knows if any of the other things are helpful.
Are any of them helpful for you?
Also....
It actually disappoints me to just see other posts suggest ways of escaping/dealing with stress. That’s not the solution to this issue. That’s just running away.
Min Donner
Hugs. I know how you feel. I don’t really have a good answer and I am not religious. At all. But a friend shared this song with me over a decade ago, and whenever I am really overwhelmed and feeling like things are too much to bear, I surrender and listen — sometimes on repeat — and it really centers and calms me (More than I can bear, Kirk Franklin). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDuvsUTpUWw
Kanye’s new Ultralight Beam has a similar vibe to me (no surprise, since Kirk Franklin is a collaborator). I think this is the beauty of art — regardless of what I think of him or his family, this work speaks to me and I am grateful to him for producing that.
cbackson
Curse God and die.
Okay, that’s always my initial reaction, but it didn’t work for Job and it doesn’t work in life. Let yourself feel that unfairness, hate it, and love those friends harder. Lean into loving them. My best friend had an awful run of bad luck (mother with terminal cancer, awful job, bad break-up, etc.), and you just have to pour all that anger into loving those people, and being there, and helping them hold a candle against the dark.
Jewish R e t t e
Job didn’t curse Gd.
Jewish R e t t e
A good/decent book in this situation is “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”. The rabbi who writes the book does take a religious viewpoint, but very modern – sometimes, Gd is busy or elsewhere, and there is no way we could know what Gd is thinking. The only reaction that is helpful is that these sorts of events have potential to bring us together as friends and support, and that is the way to grow closer to the spirit of the divine, or the human soul, or whatever you want to call it. There is no way these things happen for a reason – but they can have a positive impact, or at least, not so negative, if you’re a good friend to her, which it sounds like you are. (I’ve reached out to other friends – hey, let’s support Sally, with meals or distractions or whatever. You will need support to support your friend, too.)
As an individual, I deal with these things by thinking of terrible things I’ve overcome – we’ve been lucky in physical health, but we have had miscarriages, and we’ve had terrible streaks of being unemployed or underemployed and that takes a toll on our mental health. We haven’t lost relatives yet, but we will soon and we will need our support network then. By that time my friend who’s had a terrible year may have more capacity to give, or at least advice or support. Life is a wheel and sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. It doesn’t help at all, only empathy.
Blonde Lawyer
To anon that responded to my small firm partnership question with such a detailed response – THANK YOU! I was busy and didn’t get back to read your response until tonight. To the anon that asked the original question, thanks to you too.
Anonymous
I read this article called “Having it all Kinda Sucks,” and it really resonated with me, especially the part that said only women would sign up for the working mom arrangement. http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/having-it-all-kinda-sucks_b_9237772.html.
Anonymous
Agreed. That’s why I skipped the “mom”‘part of working mom.
Patience
I love leggings with mesh inserts. When I saw them I was so excited that you could be a little sexy when doing the warrior 1 :). My favorite are the ones by Zella because of their comfort. I also love these you highlighted.
Anon
My daughter plays high school and league sports. She keeps pulling muscles in her leg or back and I think her coaches are sick of it. I don’t think they do enough stretching. Are there any beginning yoga videos available on Netflix/Amazon/YouTube that you would recommend? She only has two days a week that are “off” so she and I would both prefer something she can do at home.
Anonymous
I’d also check into strengthening exercises; she may have uneven strength through lower back and legs which generates the pulled muscles
LondonLeisureYear
Make an appointment with a Physical Therapist!!! You don’t want her permanently injuring herself for highschool sports. Perhaps she is doing a movement wrong which is triggering this or that she has a minor injury which is causing it to happen over and over. Don’t do yoga until you know what is wrong.
Wildkitten
Coaches that are sick of injuring their athletes should quit. Everything about that is the opposite of how a coach should be – they should be concerned, not sick, and they should find solutions, not blame the athlete. Unless these coaches are turning out olympians and you think it’s worth it, I’d find a new team.
Anon
I kind of agree, but there’s just the one high school!
We happened to be at a tournament today hosted at a university (where she pulled her leg muscle). The university team’s trainer came over to talk to her and recommended that she warm up a little longer than the team warm up. She also showed her some stretches.
So the plan now is for my daughter to show up 5 minutes earlier than the rest of the team and make sure she’s properly warmed up. Fortunately this all took place in front of her coach so I’m hoping it means something to them. Thanks for the input!
Wildkitten
But there are multiple sports and she’s competing outside of school. *Definitely* make an appointment with a PT. They can come up with an individualized plan for her. The University might be able to recommend where she should go.
Anonymous
Guys I feel technologically illiterate.
Today I had my computer probably crash- it looks like it needs to be restored to factory settings (caught In an automatic repair loop) but I have no idea how to do that. And the tutorials aren’t helping. And I feel embarrassed and stupid.
I would like to learn some basic stuff about computers. Where is a good start if place? (Not necessarily specific to my problem but more to make me feel less like a damsel in distress)
Idea
Good question. Please ask in the regular thread tomorrow!
hey macaroni
its usually f12 or f8 with/without a control or shift– depends on the computer. or use your back up utility.
Feeling torn
I need advice. I am an attorney, working at a mid-size firm in southern California. I have a love/hate relationship with my job–I like the work, am well-compensated and like most of my colleagues, but am sort of burned out on the long days and stress. (I KNOW. I’ve only been doing this for 18 months, am I allowed to feel burned out yet??) I’ve been told several times (including at my review in October) that I am doing really well.
Meanwhile, my husband has been working remotely for a tech startup in a different city (2+hours away without traffic), and also doing really well. He’s about to get promoted. However, to be considered for the next promotion we know he needs to be in the office to set himself apart from the competition, demonstrate his leadership skills, etc. Our landlord just told us that she wants to sell our condo, so we need to move in about 6 weeks regardless. Husband wants to move to be close to his job and for me to find a new one. I have whiplash and some panicky feelings about moving so soon-I thought we would move at end of 2016 at earliest.
Other factors: we want to start a family this year and I would like to work less while our kids are young, assuming we are able to have children. I have $35k left on my student loans and would also like to knock those out before having kids. (I have a plan and am executing it but… thought I had until the end of the year at my job.) He LOVES his job. I like mine. His job is in a much larger city–> much larger legal market. During our marriage, he has let several great opportunities pass by because I was in law school or had just started this job. He has never complained and has always been incredibly supportive. He really wants to be in the office with the rest of his team, and is also really excited about the prospect of eating dinner together sometimes.
Anyway, all that background just to say: does it make sense to quit my job so he can succeed at his? Does starting over at a new firm (or maybe not a firm, if I get lucky) make sense if we want to have children sooner than later? Should I stop worrying about it, move to the bigger legal market, be grateful for what I have and try to find a job where I at least work the same hours (NOT more) than I have been working? Probably the last option, but would love to hear feedback if anyone’s still over here.
Betterandbetter
It sounds like there is not much to stay for and lots of potential upside and it sounds like you really want the opportunity to step up for your husband.
I also think it doesn’t make enormous sense to make decisions based on people that don’t exist yet at the expense of people who do. Family planning can be very unpredictable.
Zelda
Based on all of the factors, it sounds like the right decision would be to move near his job and for you to find a new job. However, that doesn’t mean that you have to quit your job before finding something else. It’s always easier to find a job when you have a job.
Start looking for jobs in his city right away. How competitive is the legal market in the new city for your level of experience? If you haven’t found a new job before you have to move, it might make sense for you to stay in your old city on a short term basis until you can find something in the new city.
Feeling torn
Thanks Better and Better and Zelda! I am only in my second year of practice so I think new city will still be pretty competitive. Working on my resume and really appreciate your thoughts.