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Workwear sales of note for 3.24.23:
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
- Boden – Up to 50% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Express – 40% off dresses & tops
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 25% off select styles; 25% off markdowns
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- What are your favorite parts of a typical day?
- At what point in your life (age, income level, whatever) were you able to take an annual vacation?
- What shoes can I keep at the office to go for mid-day walks (that go with everything)?
- How do you release stress or trauma that’s stored in the body?
- What are the best “networking for women events” you’ve ever been to?
- I feel like we’re burning through any savings we acquire…
- I hate my job and make 30% of what DH makes – should I quit?
- What do you keep in your office?
Yesterday I had my physical and the blood work from the week before showed a significant jump in my cholesterol level. My “good” cholesterol went down about 10 points and my “bad” went up about 65!
I am 35, 5’5 1/2″, 144 lbs. I stopped drinking in May for a variety of reasons. I work out maybe twice a week. I don’t eat crap.
What the heck is going on with my body!?
Any chance you are pregnant? Cholesterol goes way up during pregnancy.
(because no partner… :-( )
YAY! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and BLUE jean’s, but NOT the kind with holes and tear’s in them. FOOEY b/c they get that way after 6 month’s anyway. I have LEVI’s jean’s I wear from time to time that are for men, but I look good in them b/c of my larger tuchus. They are the oposite of skinny jean’s. I recomend them to the hive ladies with tuchuses that are more manly, like Dad says of mine.
As for the OP, I would ask your Doctor. They monitor this stuff. I am your age and height and weigh 30 pound’s less, so I would guess you are a little heavy and that is makeing more cholestorel then you need b/c your body should be less weight. But I am NOT a doctor, and only a MD would be abel to answer you. In the meantime, cut out the fatty food’s and the sweet’s, get a FITBIT, and work your tuchus off b/c you should at age 35, be able to get rid of the holiday pounds b/f the Thanksgiving holiday, when we all tend to pack on the pounds (for me on my tuchus). Best of luck to you with this. IF I were dateing Noah, the MD at Mt Sinai ER, I would ask him, but he does NOT want to date me. FOOEY!!!
Have a great weekend to the ENTIRE HIVE! YAY!!!!!
Anon in NYC
Are you eating a lot of dairy and/or meat? I have found that has an effect on my cholesterol. When I’ve cut back on those two food groups for a sustained period (maybe a year in between blood tests) and increased my exercise, my cholesterol dropped a fair bit.
My husband has very low “good” cholesterol (aka HDL) and is at a high risk of heart disease at 35. He primarily eats a vegan diet (no meats, no dairy) and it lowered his bad cholesterol enough where his doctor was not as worried about his low good cholesterol. He still cheats occasionally with chicken and fish, but tries to stay from red meat and cheese as much as possible.
I do really love steak… and cheese…. I can’t imagine giving those up…
Anon in NYC
Oh, I haven’t given them up entirely! I just no longer have “cheese dinners” where I eat, basically, a pound of cheese in an evening. Well, I don’t have them *that* often.
……..I do this.
It is *quite* possible that was my dinner the night before… but I can’t be positive.
HA! I do too, which is why my stint in veganism did not go as well (I LOVE cheese). He is extremely motivated as his dad has the same cholesterol issues and had a heart attack and triple bypass at 46. He has been exercising more to see if that helps his HDL. We’ll see how long that works.
Moderate alcohol consumption can raise your ‘good’ cholesterol, so your HDL levels may be responding to that.
Did you stop drinking for health reasons? If so, the change in cholesterol could be related to those issues.
I stopped due to lack of control at times and crippling anxiety the day after.
Just wanted to say congrats on stopping. I suffered for many years with the same issues and was finally able to quit as well.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who suffers from anxiety the day after consuming alcohol. Even if it was just one drink/glass of wine with dinner, the next day, my anxiety would be off the charts. So I gave it up entirely a few months ago. I never was a heavy drinker to begin with, so it wasn’t a huge habit change. (I would find it much harder to give up cheese!) I sometimes miss it, particularly the social aspect, and I have experienced an uptick in judgment from some people when they find out I don’t drink, but overall, I do not regret it at all, and am having fun finding other fun/celebratory non-alcoholic drinks.
Some people are just predisposed to higher cholesterol levels.
One unsuspected culprit though may be your coffee. If you drink a lot of filter less coffee (eg, French press) that has a surprising bunch of cholesterol.
Were you fasting the day you took the test?
If so, what did you eat the day before?
Several years back I had my cholesterol checked and it was dramatically higher than the prior year. So much so, my doc re-checked it immediately. There is always a possibility your test was mixed up with someone else’s. But my cholesterol numbers are kind of unique so it did look a bit like mine, just way worse.
The night before my test I had eaten an entire pint of Haagen-Das ice cream. Not something I did often. I was a grad student…..
So we repeated my test, and I ate “normally” the night before with no night-time snacks. All my cholesterol numbers were back to my normals.
I haven’t pigged out on ice cream since.
I was but I cannot for the life of me remember what I ate the night before. That was something I thought about. It could very well have been something TERRIBLE for me because it was a crazy week.
Re-checking in 6 months. I’ll make sure to not eat like a teenage boy the night before lol.
I totally had this happen once in high school. Ate a ton of pizza the night before. Oops. Was back to normal when they rechecked in a month!
My husband had a similar issue. He was working out (heaving weight lifting) 4-5 times a week and doing tons of cardio. He was going to be put on meds if things didn’t change. We figured out the issue was his diet and not in the way one would think. He wasn’t eating enough healthy fats. His diet was too lean. To fix the issue now he drinks a smoothie that has one tablespoon of chia seeds, one tablespoon of heep seeds and eats 2-3 grams of cashews everyday. His blood works improved in 4 weeks.
2-3 grams of cashews meaning like…a half of a cashew? 20-30 grams may be more on point ;)
My SO lifts two days a week and runs three or four days. He’s an ideal weight. His cholesterol was not good though. Doctor recommended he reduce carb intake a. May be worth looking into
I have used creamer my entire coffee-drinking life, so it never mattered what the coffee actually tasted like. I’ve given up creamer now for health reasons, and I am still trying to figure out what the best solution is. My husband likes bitter coffee, which I learned I hate, so we are working on a compromise.
So here’s my question: what do y’all put in your coffee? I have been using agave, but I ended up going through the squeeze bottle so fast, I’m guessing because it comes out faster than I realize. What about some sort of flavored syrup? I was wondering if I could use less because of the flavoring. But I do want it to be all natural, so no sugar free syrup. Any ideas?
Did you give up creamer to avoid dairy? I really like soy milk in my coffee – it is slightly sweet.
I gave it up to avoid calories.
How much coffee are you drinking? Half and half really doesn’t have that many calories per cup, and is probably a lot better for you than flavored syrups, which are both caloric and also have junk like high fructose corn syrup in them. You can also gradually wean yourself down from half and half to whole milk and then to 2% milk, etc.
This. Put a tablespoon in, then another tablespoon, until your coffee gets to the point where you usually drink it. Then you’ll know how much goes into it, and you can make decisions from there. I’m willing to take the 39 calories of half and half in my daily coffee since it makes my day SO much better.
If you’re trying to switch from sugary, artificial “creamer,” I’d just move to half and half, and if you still want to cut back, do what anonymous above suggests, to whole milk and then 2%, etc.
If it’s the sugar, not the cream you miss, my friend uses stevia in her coffee, but I don’t like the taste. Another sugar you can use is maple sugar. It’s kind of expensive, but it’s so flavorful I find I use less.
A final option is to just get your husband to learn to like good coffee instead of the burnt goo most people drink. You can compromise – try different blends until you find something you can both live with. Depending on your region, I’d start with Caribou Coffee’s Mahogany or French Roast. If there’s a local roaster, try their blends. If you can swing it, Kona coffee (or even Kona blend) seems to be the coffee that everyone likes, whether they’re dark, light, or Starbucks “Macchiato” people.
+1. I like plain half and half with a little bit of sugar-free vanilla syrup – the same kind you’d get at starbucks. I’ve also noticed a difference in flavor since we got a better coffeemaker (not a $12 Wal-Mart model) and started grinding our own beans.
I use So Delicious almond milk creamer. It’s low calorie.
I love Silk Vanilla Soy Creamer. I think it is about 20 calories per tablespoon? Agave or any sugar is so much worse for you than creamer.
On another note, maybe try higher quality coffee or maybe even flavored coffee. At my local farmer’s market, there is a really good coffee stand and I just need a little bit of half and half and no sugar. At Starbucks, I need a lot of half and half AND sugar. But I’ve noticed that quality is harder to find and isn’t the cheapest.
A generous splash of organic half and half. It’s not as healthy as black coffee in terms of calories/fat, but at least it’s natural and enables me to skip sugar, which I think is worse in terms of health.
I use 1 sugar cube and some half and half. I don’t like particularly like flavored coffee. Nor do I like the powdered non-dairy creamer. Have you tried cinnamon? Vanilla extract? Baileys’ (for the wknd obv.)?
I just add half and half. You could add sugar and cream (totally all natural), or use an organic creamer (like the Whole Foods 365 brand). What element of creamer are you trying to avoid? If it is HFCS, agave actually much higher in fructose and is probably worse for you. If you’re not a fan of non-dairy creamer, the 365 is made from actual milk. You could also do an almond milk or coconut-based creamer, if you want to avoid both dairy and the typical non-dairy stuff.
Try making your own pour-over coffee with fresh roasted, fresh ground beans. Learn how to do it properly (ie, water temp, etc) and only use beans that have been roasted in the last two weeks. If you make coffee like this, it won’t taste bitter at all. It takes a bit of time to learn but once you learn how to do it, it’s barely any more time than regular drip coffee.
So long as you can tolerate dairy, real half & half is a non-negotiable for me. I would rather give up every other vice for my 45 calories a day of half & half. It just makes coffee so much smoother in my mind (and cools it down to drink more quickly!).
I accidentally put a shake of parmesan cheese in my coffee in a very dimly lit restaurant. Best cup of coffee I’ve ever had! I wonder if it was the salt.
If you gave up creamer for caloric reasons… why are you still sweetening your coffee? When I’m calorie-counting to the point that it matters, I just skip coffee and pop a caffeine pill in the morning.
I’m so excited…
I’ve heard a lot of people rave about putting a little bit of butter in coffee. Sounds crazy but many people I work with like this. I’m not a coffee person so I can’t confirm myself.
I like to add unsweetened vanilla almond milk. Very few calories, and it compliments so many coffee flavors.
Get yourself an Aeropress, buy some actually good coffee, and use less creamer in it (like 1-2 tablespoons max) or half and half.
What’s wrong with skimmed milk?
It can water down coffee because it doesn’t look like you have as much milk as with whole milk (because creamier) so people tend to add more.
This is totally just me, but I would rather have black coffee than skim milk or non-dairy creamer in my coffee. it doesn’t add any fat, which is the whole point of half & half in my mind – acidic coffee, add fat to counter balance.
First Year Anon
Same for me!
Skim milk is just water that’s lying about being milk.
I like skim milk and drink it with cookies and stuff like that but I think it’s disgusting in coffee.
For me it’s the opposite. I always feel that coffee masks the flavor of the milk I put in. So I don’t care whether it’s skim or anything all the way to whipped cream. But drinking pure milk – that better be whole milk.
LOL. Ron Swanson for the win.
I buy coffee beans that are light roasted specifically because it is not bitter. All medium and dark roasted coffees taste bitter to me. With light roasted coffee, I add a tea spoon of sugar for 16 ounce of coffee. In I have to get coffee in starbucks, I ask for blond roast coffee and add one packet of sugar.
oh..I don’t add milk to coffee..just a preference..
Coconut oil? Has calories, but supposedly really really good for you. Takes the bitter edge off of coffee.
I use Stevia, just a little bit. It’s the only non-sugar sweetener that I’ve ever tasted and liked.
All of the above responses are getting to the same thing – it’s the fat that cuts down on the bitterness. Butter/coconut oil/etc will all replace creamer but still be high in calories.
Alton Brown swears by salt to cut down the bitterness, but I haven’t tried it myself. Would save some calories, but you’d want to watch your salt intake elsewhere.
Otherwise, why not experiment with how much creamer/half and half it takes for you to cut the bitterness, and then add some activity to counteract it? If you can get away with 1 oz of half and half, that’s 40 calories. You can burn that off by walking up the stairs at work. Or you can “earn” your week of half and half by taking an hour long walk on the weekend.
I don’t think the amount of salt one adds to coffee (a pinch) will make any difference in your level of sodium assuming you are eating mostly real food.
Agree that natural is the way to go vs. low cal. Fwiw, I have read that agave is actually not good for you. I just add 2 percent milk to my coffee. Used to add sugar but weaned myself off after reading that you can change your taste buds in about 6 weeks. Now sweet coffee tastes gross to me. You could also try almond milk in lieu of creamer. That will cut the bitterness.
Try Trader Joe’s low acid French roast coffee. It’s dark and delicious.
Try making a big batch of cold brewed coffee weekly, and then heating up a cup in the morning.
The cold brew doesn’t extract any bitterness in the beans.
I was going to suggest the same thing. Cold brew was the only way I could go without putting things in my coffee while I was cutting calories. I just can’t drink the bitter, but cold brew isn’t bitter at all. I like Cameleon Cold Brew and Trader Joes (both concentrate, so you add water).
I like it cold though. My husband, not so much.
Yes to cold brew!
Why do almond milks not have to use “milk” but the filling in oreos has to be called “creme” because it isn’t dairy?
SINCE WHEN IS AN ALMOND A MAMMAL?
It is pulverized almond dust reconstituted with water (and, who knows, a bunch of chemicals to give it a flavor). It seems like such a processed and artificial food, trying to masquerade as healthy.
+1 – I get the alternative arguments, but… the other stuff only gets called milk because it looks like mammalian produced milk. Not because milk means “white liquid”. It’s why anything else needs modifiers like “soy” and “almond” and “coconut” to differentiate between psuedo-milk and actual milk.
I mean mayonnaise has a legal definition (under FDA/food identity laws) such that a company got sued for making a product that didn’t meet the technical definition of mayo, but were holding themselves out as mayo. It’s weird that there’s not something similar on the books for milk.
FYI that lawsuit was dropped and the eggless mayo product still has “mayo” in its title: http://money.cnn.com/2014/12/19/news/companies/mayo-lawsuit-unilever/
Because properly, any whitish liquid can be referred to as milk, like coconut milk. Milk doesn’t technically mean dairy milk. I agree, it’s really almond water, but the usage is proper English.
I don’t know. Coconut milk has been around way before almond milk was a thing and is distinct from and fattier that coconut water, so milk makes sense to me as a term for that. Maybe almond milk is not a milk in the same sense that coconut milk is, but there is a precedent for calling things that come from nuts “milk.”
The other problem with holes in the knees is that they spread when you bend down.
Ugh, I have killer cramps right now. I took my two extra strength Tylenols, which usually helps, but I’m still in so much pain. I just want to go home and lie down with a heating pad on my stomach.
Can you get those drugstore sticky heating pads? They’re not the greatest, but they usually help me.
(Also, if you can tolerate Advil or Aleve, I find those more effective than Tylenol).
I’m a two-Aleve-every-12-hours kind of girl during my period. It’s only for a day or two, but makes my life livable.
When you get home, open a bottle of red wine and pour a big glass and cuddle with a heating pad/hot water bottle. Something about red wine’s tannins really kicks cramps, and the alcohol helps me relax, which relieves some of the secondary “I’m in so much pain I’m clenching my entire body” cramping.
Tylenols aren’t the best for cramps. You want naproxen/ibuprofen. You can take that on top of Tylenol… No problem.
+1. Also chamomile tea helps.
Yes, all I ever need is Advil for cramps. I looked at a chart showing the differences between pain killers and ibuprofen is the best for cramps.
+1 – I usually just go straight for 800 mg (4 capsules) of ibuprofen, since a nurse friend said that’s when the muscle relaxant benefit really kicks in. Only thing that touches my cramps.
the gold digger
That’s what I used to use. It used to be available only by prescription. (I kn0w – the dark ages.) BTW, it is more effective if you can start taking it ahead of your period. That is, if you always get cramps, then start a day or two (your nurse friend can give you more current info – I don’t remember all the details) before your period.
Then I went on the pill and now I hardly ever have cramps.
Thanks guys! Unfortunately I’m very allergic to Ibuprofen. Tylenol has worked ok for me in the past but isn’t cutting it today. I’m looking forward to tea, red wine, a banana and a heating pad when I get home. Just have to make it through another hour and a half of work.
Aleve/naproxen worked well for me when I got crampy. What worked even better was Mirena (after 2 months of cramps, I got 6 years with no cramps).
Magnesium can help with cramps too.
Careful. Alcohol and Tylenol are a bad combination.
For cramps I swear by those Thermacare Heat Wraps. Use the sticky stuff to attach the pad to the front of your [email protected] and wear them all day under your clothes. They sell them at drug stores, Target, Costco etc and they actually sell a variety that is supposed to be used like that for cramps but I just use the small variety that are meant to be used on your neck. I also occasionally wear them on the small of my back when I have a back-ache – wear them all day at work and they are so soothing. Usually gets rid of the backache by the end of the day.
Also agree with red wine – don’t know what it is but it works.
I tend to get pretty, um, backed up at the beginning of my period and it can make my cramps feel SO MUCH WORSE. Have you tried a huge cup of coffee or even a mild stool softener?
Ha, that already happened…for me it’s usually first I’m backed up, then mild cramps and lots of going to the bathroom and then the terrible cramps set in.
One of the ingredients in Midol is caffeine.
I’m looking to replace my “hiking” shoes for hiking in the mountains near South Bay (Palo Alto to South San Jose, and sometimes East Bay). The trails themselves are usually fire roads but very hilly, hot, and dusty. I’m currently wearing a 4-year old pair of Nike Frees that are literally starting to fall apart.
Specifically, I’m looking for lightweight shoes that I can wear with lightweight socks (like triathlon/runnning socks, not thick smartwools). They have to be machine-washable and less than $125. I’d like a little more support than the Nike Frees but don’t need much support overall (support seems to add weight to the shoes).
They have changed the Nike Frees and the new styles just don’t feel right.
Anyone have any good recommendations?
Merrell has nice light hiking shoes, you could probably even get away with trail runners.
I love my Merrell Bare Access trail running shoes. They are not hefty enough for me for really technical trails, but they would be excellent for fire roads.
I trail run in Brooks Cascadias, they sound like they’d fit the bill – basically a hybrid of a running shoe and a hiking shoe. If they are even too heavy for you, you could check out the Brooks Pure line, which is supposed to be kind of minimalist and also has a trail running shoe.
+1 for Brooks trail shoes
Look for trail running shoes.
+1 for Merrells. Love my Moabs. I’d suggest going to REI if you have one near you, and you can try many different types of lightweight hiking shoes.
Yes, REI. They have a ton of trail running/hiking options and are great at offering advice.
I’d also look at trail runners. I personally find Merrells weird but YMMV. I love my Saucony Peregrines and wear them everywhere.
Just got these Ahnu Sugarpines in the mail yesterday and they feel and look great. A little ankle support and shockingly light for boots. Haven’t taken them out on a trail yet though.
I love love love my Merrell trail runners for light hiking/walking on dirt trails. Super comfy. They tend to have a wide toe box, but I found I like that as it allows thicker socks if I want. And it allows a little room for some foot swelling that sometimes happens to me in the very hot weather here.
I have the old version of the Nike Free and I agree they have changed the new ones. I don’t like the new ones as much. Very disappointed as the old ones are so comfortable. I searched high and low for the old style but no luck, so I bought the new version.
Oh! Trail running shoes! I don’t run so I hadn’t thought of those.
I just placed an order for a pair of the Merrell All Out Crush Light!
Thanks so much! Y’all are awesome.
That’s exactly what I have and loved them from Day One (no break in issues for me). I only hike/walk in them, I don’t trail run.
Awesome! I can’t wait to break them in next weekend!
anon a mouse
Not a fashion question, but: does anyone have a home laser printer they love? I am ready to kick my old crappy inkjet to the curb. We have 2 laptops and 2 desktop computers in different rooms so it needs to be easy to set up to print wirelessly, and not die after a year or two. Help?
Can’t speak to longevity, but we have been pleased with our Canon Pixma printer. Bradsdeals has a link to a good deal for it now.
We love our Canon PIXMA too. the wireless element can be a little wonky but the printer itself lasts a long time (I’ve had two now over probably 8 years).
I’ve had mine for 6 years now. I love it.
I would recommend NOT buying an Epson. I got one at a fantastic price to print out wedding related items, and while it printed well, the ink cartridges cost more than the printer, and it refused to print (even B&W!) unless all ink cartridges (including yellow) were not empty.
anon a mouse
Oh, yes, the current printer does that and it drives me crazy. Thanks!
What else is a must have besides wireless? If you don’t absolutely need color I would make a point to get one without it, because now a lot of the printers also have expiration dates on the cartridges and the printer won’t print with expired ink in it either, even for black and white.
HP LaserJets used to be built like tanks, so we have one that is at least 8 years old (maybe 10) that is still going strong. It’s not wireless, but it has an Ethernet port so we were able to plug it into our router and the router software made it network available. We also don’t print all that often, so we used to just leave it connected to the one desktop that needs it most and carry the laptops in to plug them directly into the printer when we need it. The toner isn’t cheap (it’ll set you back $50 to $100 a pop) but it lasts quite a while, especially if you do the “take out the toner and shake it” trick.
It looks like the updated versions closest to the one we have are available from the HP webs!te for $150-$200.
Whatever is on sale at Costco.
We bought the prior model of the Brother HLL5100DN (ours is the Brother HL-2270DW) in 2012 and I haven’t had to touch it since we set it up–it’s amazing. It got us through the bar exam, a year of grad school, all household printing, and I’ve not yet had to replace the toner cartridge. It has wi-fi, high capacity cartridges, duplex printing, great reviews.
I have a Brother wireless laser printer too – it is set and forfer. The cartridge lasts forever, and we print from all over the house with no problem.
I mean “set and forget.”
Have loved this since purchased 2009 Hewlett-packard (Hp) LASER JET P2055DN B/W PRINTER https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007OWWYRY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_GUk3xbDEJNE9D
We have a brother all in one as well that has been great for other household printing and for work. I work from home about three days a week. The only thing to mention….I’m not sure if this is all wireless printers, brother printers, or my corporate VPN, but I have to disconnect from VPN on my laptop any time I want to print something. It’s really not a huge issue, but it took us about 3 weeks to figure it out! The printer is on its 5th year and I love all of the great features, (such as syncing to my iPad), but have to pass that along so no one else surffers the set up “what are we doing wrong”pain that we went through!
What’s your favorite pair of sweatpants? I have an old pair that I LOVE that have a fold down top (like yoga pants), are slightly bootcut or maybe even wide leg, with extra-long legs and made of an extremely stretchy material that is fuzzy on the inside, smooth on the outside, but significantly thinner than traditional sweatpant material. They are dearly beloved but now, eight years on, full of holes. I don’t even know how to start searching for a replacement. I don’t want anything tight, at any point– no tight waistband, no leghole elastic, etc. Help?
I have two pairs of stretchy gap harem pants that are really comfy but are more PJ-y than sweatpant-y. I also have a pair of nike cropped sweatpants (the ones that are more trendy these days) that are great – I got them from nordstroms.
Gap Body pants with a drawstring waist
I found some pants very similar to yours except with full-on wide legs at Anthro a few months ago.
Athleta are my favorites, Uniqlo if you’re looking for cheaper
Boston Legal Eagle
I’ve exclusively used American Apparel sweatpants for sleeping/lounging. My previous pairs lasted 5 years, so the quality is good. I believe they’re meant to be unisex so they’re a good length – I hate ones that stop at the ankle, which I’ve found most other sweatpants do. They’re not tight. Highly recommend.
Boston Legal Eagle
Looks like they’re on sale now! http://store.americanapparel.net/en/california-fleece-slim-fit-pant-_5450
I have a pair from Sam’s club that fits the bill – drawstring waist, no elastic anywhere. Also I have knit harem pants from ASOS ($25) that are so loose and soft and comfy. They taper in at the ankles but not tightly. I could wear them all day.
My office recently switched from a business dresscode to business casual UNLESS you are an executive. Is this a thing? To have two different dresscodes for the bosses and the plebes? And how would you dress if you were not quite an exec? There is the old adage “dress for the job you want, not the job you have”, however when I wear business attire now I feel out of touch and look out of place. Also, it feels like school when we have staff meetings with rooms full of people in jeans and polos with one guy in a suit at the front.
First of all, that’s super weird. But I’d probably try to straddle the line and do “smart business casual.” So instead of a suit, I’d do a skirt or slacks with a blazer or sharp cardigan. Instead of button downs I’d do a nice blouse. Luckily a lot of women’s attire is a gray area so I think you can get away with not looking too fussy, while also not differentiating yourself too much from the execs.
The Powers That Be probably think they’re doing everyone a favor by relaxing the standards for most, without realizing how divisive it is.
Thank you for confirming my feeling that it was super weird. I report directly to an exec and always feel underdressed next to him. All of the men in my position (directly below the execs) wear jeans and polos, but that seems super casual to me (especially since I have been here 10+ years and always dressed business until recently).
You’ve been there 10 years? Just keep doing what you’re doing, then, but maybe add in a couple more relaxed pieces. It could actually be pretty nice for you!
I recently came back from maternity leave (the change was implemented while I was out) and am currently benefiting from it since baby weight + nursing boobs = none of my suits fitting. Currently flowy shirts and betabrand pants FTW! I am more having a hard time visioning planning my “long term” wardrobe for when I can fit in some of my old clothes again and I do hope to be an exec and some point in the next few years. .
That’s super weird. I’ve always taken my cues for how formally I should dress from my bosses. If they don’t wear suits, I don’t. If they go super casual on casual Friday, I do too. Super weird to bifurcate it.
I worked in a law firm that was business dress Mon-Thursday and business casual (expressly no jeans!) on Friday for attorneys, and staff were business casual Mon-Thurs and jeans were allowed on Fridays. I thought it was super, super weird to differentiate like that. And I also feel like if anyone deserves to wear jeans on Fridays it’s an attorney who has worked 70 hours that week, not a secretary who comes in at 9 and leaves at 5 every day. One of many, many reasons I’m no longer at that firm.
That does seem indicative of a very hierarchical mindset, which I’d despise.
Yes, that’s exactly it. Another weird thing at that firm that is also indicative of that strange hierarchical dynamic was that once a month the staff made food and brought it in for the attorneys and served us. (And the reverse was never done. I think it would be ok, although perhaps still a bit weird, if staff and attorneys took turns cooking for and serving each other. But it was always staff cooking for the attorneys. Yuck.)
Oh and also to make this even worse…the staff was 100% female and about 50% African-American and the attorneys were 100% white and except for me 100% male…so there were heavy racial and gendered undertones with the “serving.” Like I said, many, many reasons I left.
Ok this is awful.
How is this real life and not Mad Men? How can a law firm be so stupid about discriminatory employment practices?
Hierarchical mindset is just law, ime. At my first firm (mid-law), staff were instructed to call attorneys Mr./Ms. LastName unless the attorney said otherwise. Super weird to walk in on the first day of your first ever full-time job to get called Ms. LastName by someone who’s been with the firm for 30 years.
And in case you’re wondering, associates who did not promptly “allow” the staff to call them by their first name were seen as super horrid and didn’t last long. But as soon as you become a partner, you’re allowed to tell your secretary who’s been calling you FirstName for the past 10 years to call you Ms. LastName.
“But as soon as you become a partner, you’re allowed to tell your secretary who’s been calling you FirstName for the past 10 years to call you Ms. LastName.” I believe you, but that is horrible.
I also worked at a firm where staff had to call attorneys by Mr./Ms. I repeatedly told my assistant “Call me [first name]” and signed all my emails to her with just my first name, but couldn’t break her of the habit to call me “Ms. _.” It was so uncomfortable for me.
Business casual isn’t jeans, that is casual casual. If you work with a bunch of men, I would wear dresses or skirts because it confuses them. Is it formal? Is it casual? Who knows? Not them.
The bifurcation I’ve seen has almost always been based on seeing external customers. Someone who isn’t in a client-facing role could be more casual than someone who is. (So the back office IT guys could be in sweats and tennies, while the receptionist needed to be in a suit.) Sounds like your company expects execs to be more “presentable” for spontaneous client meetings?
+1 I also wondered whether only the execs were client facing.
Yes and No. Execs are more client facing, but I interact with my clients face to face at least 1x/week and I see them for various meetings usually at least 3days/wk.
I think it’s one thing if it’s their way of making it clear the execs have to meet a higher standard, but it’s another if it means they are going to have a problem with that level of dress at a lower level – ‘get back in your place, peon!’. It sounds like it needs some clarification.
I’d probably try and find a way to bring it up to the people responsible for the change if I thought I could do so without creating a ruckus – more of a ‘did you consider these issues too’ conversation.
I used to work in a very small agency. The boss wore suits everyday and everyone else wore anything from jeans and tees to business casual. I think he was just comfortable in a suit and he didn’t care at all what everyone else wore.
I apparently posted this one the wrong thread… my bad.
Law related question: if someone went to a T1 law school but went public interest right out the gate, and now wants to sell out to make something within the realm of Biglaw (or even midlaw) money, is that even possible? I understand it’s an uphill battle because of the way law firms work, but with a top tier degree seems like it should be ultimately doable… Any anecdotes or advice?
Other info: the area of public interest is education/civil rights, they are 4 years out of law school, and have since become a respected subject matter expert (published articles, a book chapter, asked to do public speaking).
The person’s school does not really factor in much here. The primary factor is whether the public interest person’s skills are going to be useful in a Biglaw practice. Did the person get lots of litigation experience in the public interest gig? Or is she applying to a firm that has some sort of niche practice in the same field? If not, I’m not sure why Biglaw would want to hire a 4th year with the experience of a 1st year, unless 1) that firm was really understaffed and 2) the 4th year agreed to start as a 1st year.
I think a more realistic move is from public interest to DOJ or DOE. Likely somewhat of a salary increase from public interest, even if it’s no where near biglaw levels.
They’d agree to start as a 1st year, but would law firms even consider hiring that way, when they generally hire 1st years straight out of school?
I’d say it’s not likely, but it’s possible. I know of a few firms that under-hired for their summer programs for the past few years and now don’t have enough enough first year associates, so it’s possible they’d consider it. Ask your classmates that work in Biglaw if their firms are doing 3L hiring; that is a decent gauge of whether they are trying to fill/expand a class.
That’s a great tip. Thank you!
You could try to get a gig in a Big Law pro bono department,
don’t tell the law firm they want to sell out …..
Hahaha no, of course not. If you have any advice about what you think the very best spin will be, I’m all ears.
I actually don’t think you’d need to spin it much. 90% of the people in Biglaw do it for the money and everyone will know why your friend wants to switch. But if you do need something to say: You want the resources of a bigger firm or you want to work on higher-profile cases and/or for higher-profile clients.
I think so depending on the area of law, what their actual experience is, and the firm. My firm is midlaw/regional biglaw (don’t make as much as biglaw, but far more than public interest, close to top of market for our region). We have an “education law” group that I think we’ve hired someone with a similar background for. (Clearly, not my practice area, so I don’t know the exact details). We also hire a lot of laterals (mostly laterals, actually), so I don’t think they’d even have to agree to start as a first year. I think the key is find a midlaw firm not quite as stuck in the BigLaw model that still pays a decent amount.
Yes, those were my thoughts exactly. If you have any ideas for how to find and approach those specific types of firms, it would be appreciated, though you have already been a help :) Thank you!
I went from public interest to clerkship to small/midlaw to big law. Same practice area in pub interest and big law, different practice area but transferable skills in midlaw. Got my midlaw job by randomly applying to postings and emphasizing my broad, non-subject matter specific skill set gained during public interest/clerkship stints. Got my biglaw job by networking.
My advice is network. Is the goal to get into any biglaw job, no matter what? Or to stay in the same practice area? Or doesn’t matter?
Getting into large firms outside of the traditional OCI approach can be difficult-it’s hard to find the openings. Networking can allow a non-traditional candidate to easily get her foot in the door where there’s less competition from desperate 3Ls and you have a better forum to explain your “unique” (for biglaw) career path and reasons for switching. This can be especially helpful where that firm has a specific niche to fill rather than just general litigation associate, and doesn’t want to conduct a 6 month long search for the perfect candidate. Another option is headhunters, if your grades are competitive enough. I’ve used one.
Re; finding firms- familiarize yourself with firms that have practice groups doing what you want. Cold email hiring contacts, ask senior associates or partners to get coffee with you, go to bar association events. Search linkedin, job boards for job postings.
You’ll prob have to take a haircut in class year, but maybe not all the way to a first year.
Thank you for this. I’ve personally jumped around in my career a lot, always via networking and strategy like you describe, and I’m trying to coach someone who feels like he “squandered” his chance for high earning potential by not going into biglaw right out of law school. Low salary, student debt and idealism feels a lot different as an actual young professional than it does as a recent graduate, you know what I mean? Priorities change.
Your advice is pretty similar to what I’ve been telling him, but all the lawyers we know are SO pessimistic about doing it any way other than the traditional route that I’ve been looking for outside confirmation and advice. I really think it’s quite possible, it’s just going to take time, work, strategy, and luck!
Does T1 mean Yale?
I’d do this differently. Basically, call all of your classmates that are still in BigLaw. Talk to CDO and get them to put you in touch with people. Tell them that you’ve had this amazing run in public interest, but really want to expand your litigation chops and are hoping to make a move to private practice. Ask them for advice. Firms are looking for really smart hard workers. The market is much tighter than it has been for recruiting and laterals. Get your friends to put you in touch with their favorite partners or their recruiting managers, and see how it goes.
And while it might feel depressing, I’d consider framing your public interest work as a “fellowship” or “clerkship that you stayed at for extra years,” rather than as your “first career.” YMMV, of course, but four years is not all that long. We have associates who routinely come in after 2 or 3 years of clerking.
I wouldn’t use the term “first career” either, but the terms fellowship and clerkship have distinct meanings – you can’t lie and say that is what you were doing if you were actually a permanent hire by the organization.
I totally agree with that. Don’t lie, of course! But do think about framing in ways firms can understand – i.e., “I had a fellowship and stayed on for a few years to finish a project” instead of “I’m a public interest lawyer now interested in changing directions altogether.”
It means Columbia. So I guess like… T1-b?
This is all really solid, law-specific advice (I’m in business so the jargon and positioning is a bit different for me, though overall strategy seems to be the same).
And yeah he definitely doesn’t want to lie, but it does seem like a good idea to brainstorm ways to frame it.
clerking can be a good way to transition between the two. But there are many large firms with education law practice groups. My experience is they are typically higher-ed focused but some of that work includes ed civil rights (example: Gina Maisto Smith and Leslie Gomez, Pepper Hamilton)
Oh hai! Are you at Pepper? Because I am starting there on Monday as a first-year associate and am very excited! Any insider hints?
A friend turned his public interest work into a ‘sell out’ corporate law job in the same field. He was doing something having to do with ‘stop the big bad oil companies’ and he shifted into doing transactional work in the energy field. He sold himself as already really knowing how the businesses functioned and were regulated. It can be done.
Awesome, thank you for the anecdote! Who knew selling out could be so inspiring.
So I’m having a bit of an embarrassing problem and don’t know what to do about it (besides see a doctor but I’m really embarrassed about it so I thought I’d message here first).
I feel like I’ve been having bladder control issues lately – it comes on all of a sudden, and I have this really urgent need to use the bathroom and then when I finally do go to the bathroom, there’s not a lot of urine so I’m not sure what’s going on.
I’m not even 30 yet so this feels a bit early for issues like this. Any advice or suggestions or commiseration?
Have you been screened for diabetes?
Sounds like a UTI, I would see the doc. Easy to diagnose.
Could you have a UTI? You can get test strips over the counter to check.
First Year Anon
I had something weird happen to me like this about a month ago. I had urgency symptoms but it didn’t quite feel like a UTI. It didn’t come on suddenly though- the symptoms were always there unless I took a bunch of painkillers to basically numb it.
I went to the walk-in twice complaining about it (it was getting worse even after antibiotics). There is a condition called interstitial cystitis that the last doctor suggested it was. It ended up going away randomly on its own. I was in a new environment at the time so perhaps the stress brought it on. Anyway it was quite miserable while I had it so I feel for you!
I only have experience with UTIs in dogs because I’m thankfully not prone to them myself, but this is a classic UTI symptom.
Anon - OP
Thank you all! I’ve never had this as a symptom of an UTI before and I was a bit worried that I would have this issue for the rest of my life…
Don’t worry! These symptoms are so so so so common. Your doc has heard them 100s if not thousands of times.
But it is very true that many women after pregnancy and delivery develop weakness of the muscles of the pelvic floor and have increased urge and sometimes a bit of leaking with laughing/straining.
But UTI is more likely.
Drink a lot, get the test strips to check your urine from the drug store, and call your doc.
UTI or interstitial cystitis or pelvic floor tension myalgia. Or all 3 in succession which is possible (ask me how I know)
You haven’t by any chance started taking ulcer medication have you? Proton pump inhibitors make me incontinent, though I never before if since had an issue of that type.
Agree with the UTI chorus. I like “uricalm” (available at drug stores) for lessening the symptoms as I wait to see the doctor. (It will turn your pee neon orange though, so try not to be too shocked!)
A lesson I learned the hard way: If you take uricalm/uristat/AZO before going to the doc, they cannot do the rapid test for bacteria. They have to send the sample out and may push to wait until the results come back before prescribing anything.
Wow I didn’t know that! Thanks for the tip!
Another lesson, since it turns your pee orange, it will also turn any toilet bowl that hasn’t been recently cleaned orange. (It sticks to the build up I guess.) So if you’re visiting someone’s home, you might want to wait. I’m still not over it…
You can also try d-mannose (supplement) if you are prone to UTIs. I started doing this after I was sick of taking antibiotics all the time for UTIs. It has worked so far…. It has the same effect as cranberry juice.
full of ideas
I had similar problems and a pelvic pain physical therapist worked magic on me. Part was keeping my urine dilute which meant drinking more frequently throughout the day, and part was retraining my brain and not rushing to the bathroom at every urge. But definitely talk to a Dr. because this is also a sign of IC or endometriosis, or other medical issues.
Get to a clinic today! In less than 24 hours, you could start seeing blood and having excruciating pain.
General law question from someone from a completely different industry.
I’ve seen many references here to 1st year, 2nd year, 4th year, etc for lawyers. Is this a hard rule? Is your year part of your job title? Are there distinctly different responsibilities given to 1st years vs 2nd years? Would a firm typically hire a group of young adults freshly graduated from school, such that they are all in the same class? Does the whole class become 2nd years at the same time, or do you become a 2nd year on your one-year anniversary with the firm? Or, are the year distinctions more of a general description of how long you’ve been in practice, and not something that actually affects anything?
To provide my point of reference, I’m an engineer about a year out of school. People count years out of school, but it’s not a big deal, just a reference fact. We have engineers, senior engineers, etc, but it isn’t directly correlated to years of experience, just to your job performance in that time.
Just generally curious.
Years refer to years out of law school, so age is irrelevant (a 25-year-old and a 50-year-old who graduated from law school at the same time are the same year). Yes, generally the whole class goes up a year at the same time, although it is possible to be ‘left back’ if your performance is unsatisfactory. Year is generally not used in a person’s external job title (most junior lawyers in private practice have the title “Associate” or “Attorney”) but it is an important internal way of classifying people for training, promotion and such. Many firms also have formal ways of classifying attorneys that are broader than the class year, i.e. “junior associates” are first through third years, “midlevel associates are fourth through sixth years, and senior associates are seventh years and above, or something like that. Generally your year is calculated based on when you graduated law school, but it is possible to lose a year (also known as a “haircut”) if you change jobs or practice areas and your new job does not give you 1:1 credit for your previous years of practice. Responsibilities are not distinctly different. Certainly if you look at a first year versus a seventh year, they do very different things, but you acquire responsibilities gradually over time, and you don’t generally take on new tasks just because you’ve formally graduated to the next year. You get new tasks when you’re ready for them.
Thank you! This exactly answers what I’ve been wondering. At what point do you stop counting years? 8? 10? Partner?
I would say at the partner level you stop counting. Some firms like mine have an intermediate tier between associate and partner called something like “counsel” or “senior counsel” or something like that. Within the firm, people are typically referred to as an “X-year associate” but just “senior counsel” without the modifier for the number of years, because pretty much all our senior counsel are 7-10 years out of law school so there’s already a fairly narrow bound on it. BUT if those same senior counsel were wanted to job hunt elsewhere, I think the year would become relevant again in a big way (seventh years are generally considered way more portable than tenth years). So I’m not sure year becomes truly irrelevant until you have that partner title.
full of ideas
At my firm partners are also counted (P1 to P23) but it’s a lot more opaque about who is what level and moving up is more of an overall assessment, not just based mostly on hours like associates
I think anonymous at 3:22 is saying this, but its not totally clear. years really means your “firm year.” Often that is the same thing as “years out of law school.” E.g., a 2015 graduate just became a second year — working on her second year of practicing law and her firm year is 2015.
But one’s firm year may not match their grad year, for a variety of reasons (under-performance, not full credit for multi-year clerkships, government work that doesn’t translate into private practice, etc). E.g., a 2013 graduate who clerked for more than 1 year could have just become a second year. She would have a firm year of 2015 even though she graduated in 2013.
All of the associates with a firm year of 2015 generally will move up at the same time, in lock step firms they will receive the same raises, etc.
Recruiting & Development Director
In Big Law class advancements typically occur January 1 in conjunction with bill rate increases. So the 2015 won’t be a second year until Jan 1 2017 when we raise the bill rates. Salary raises are typically effective Jan 1 or retro back to Jan 1 depending on when evaluations are delivered.
full of ideas
At my firm you are left back if you don’t meet your yearly billable goal, even if your performance was otherwise good. Poor performance also gets you left bakc
Engineering is not that hardcore. I worked for a consulting company straight out of school and we were all called Staff Engineers, promoted to Associates, then Project Managers or Technical paths depending on interests. You were promoted on a wide variety of factors. Usually based on performance, geographic area you worked in (some offices promoted more than others), work with clients. Responsibilities among titles varied a lot. After you are working a few years, no one really pays attention to what year that you graduated. It’s more informal (entry level, junior, mid-level, senior). Hope that helps.
Yeah, this aligns with my experience in engineering. That’s why I was specifically wondering how the years work in law.
My general experience is that the “year” thing is more a feature in larger law firms that have more ridged practices. I’ve mostly practiced in smaller firms, and people just talk about years of experience generally, without any specific year systems.
Romantic Mountain Getaway?
My boyfriend and I are looking for a long weekend (Fri-Tues) trip later this fall to be a romantic getaway. We want to go somewhere neither of us have ever been. We live in Houston. We were thinking somewhere in the Smoky Mountains as neither of us have ever been in that area. But we’re not limited to there by any means. Does anyone have any good suggestions for great romantic getaway spots that are moderately priced? We are thinking of going late October/early November. Thanks!!!
If you’re flying into Knoxville, check the football schedule if you think you’d need a hotel in Knoxville. Not so much affected by football: Asheville, NC. It’s a 2-hour drive from CLT.
I highly recommend Asheville as well, but know that peak color will likely be in mid-October (if that’s important to you). Living in North Carolina, I often see LivingSocial deals for the Georgia mountains too, which might be of interest if you’re wedded to your timeline.
+1 for Asheville, so many cute bed and breakfasts, but you need to book now. Other smaller spots in western NC (Banner Elk and surrounds) are lovely too.
San Miguel de Allende in Mexico.
Customer Service/Lost Package
So I placed a relatively online clothing order and paid for 2 day shipping because I needed a new blazer for an important meeting. 2 weeks later… I still don’t have the order. It just stopped tracking in UPS and the delivery date estimate dissapeared. It has now been over two weeks and no movement on the package (Lost package?) I contacted UPS who is “tracing” it. I contacted the store immedately when it didn’t arrive in two days and was told “you need to be patient, sometimes deliveries take a while.” (Umm.. not when you pay for 2 day shipping?) After a week, the company said that they are contacting UPS and to allow up to 10 business days for a response since UPS will have to contact me to investigate and I will need to sign an affidavit that I did not receive it. Meanwhile I have a charge for several hundred dollars and no clothes to show for it. Its not like the tracking says it was delivered and I am disputing that. The tracking says it wasn’t delivered?? What would you expect to happen from a customer service perspective in this situation?
I recently had a similar situation with a small Etsy seller and USPS except USPS said the package was delivered and I did not receive it. The seller immediately sent me out a new item at their own expense which I thought was totally above and beyond for a small business.
This is terrible customer service – what retailer is this?
Ohhh The Limited has awful customer service. I love their stuff, but I had a terrible experience with their service.
OMG I would never order from them again. this is why I’m Nordstrom all the way. or Amazon. a new package will arrive the next day.
did Limited even offer to refund your 2-day shipping? If not, ask for a refund. And I would expressly ask them to send you new stuff.
Call back, ask for a supervisor. Keep asking for a higher level supervisor until your problem gets rectified.
I was also told to “check with surrounding businesses & neighbors, household members to see if package can be located”. Again, the package does not say “delivered”… the tracking just disappeared.
Anon in NYC
Do you live in an urban area / a building without a doorman and a locked front door? Because this is my life right now. Often times it is sitting at my local post office but there has been zero notification to me that it’s there.
Anon in NYC
Sorry – that’s if it was transferred to USPS.
I am in N YC, and I do run into that situation frequently, but this is different. It was scanned into a distribution center 2 weeks ago… and that was it. No movement since. It never got transferred locally to me, it was never “out for delivery”, etc.
Anon in NYC
Personally, I would call The Limited one more time and escalate this as far as you can – not only should they re-send all of the items to you at no charge, they should refund you the cost of the 2-day shipping that you paid AND ALSO send it 2-day shipping – and if you don’t get anywhere with that, I’d dispute the charge with your credit card company.
I would do what Anon in NYC suggested. Call one more time and tell them they can either fix it immediately or you are going to dispute the charge.
That’s awful!! I’ve been ordering a bunch from The Limited and I found out I get Shoprunner for free through my credit card, so I haven’t had any trouble receiving packages, but thanks for the warning!
The Limited has the worst customer service. I will never order from them again. However, I was able to get my issue resolved through email vs. calling customer service. I even escalated to a supervisor, and that supervisor ended up putting me on hold and eventually disconnecting. I think it may just be easier on them through email, because they can take as much time as they need to look through your issue.
Recommendations for good podcasts? Doing a lot of driving next week so I need somethjng to keep me entertained.
Not a huge fan of politics. I like current events esp related to healthcare.
This question has been asked a bunch of times in the last couple weeks – try scrolling back through last week’s comments
Will do, thanks!
I just discovered a few new ones that I’m liking, that I didn’t list in previous posts:
The Bowery Boys (NYC history)
Unsolved Murders (good true crime but cheesy acting)
Tips for ways to cheer up a friend when there is distance between us (I’m in NYC and she is in D.C.)
Her husband filed for divorce last year. They have teenage and pre-teen sons who stated in court that they wanted to live with their father. The court ruled in their favor, granted their father custody and say he’s allowed to move with them across the country back to his home state, despite my friend objecting because her job is in D.C. and there’s no market or opportunities where he is moving. She was ordered to pay child support and she doesn’t object to that but she was also ordered to pay substantial alimony despite motions by her attorney.
She’s really down about this and the fact that the boys aren’t answering her calls and emails is making it worse. I wish I could cheer her up but neither of us can take time off right now to travel to each other. Any advice as to what I can do to cheer her up from afar would be appreciated. I’m single and childless so I have no idea what she is feeling.
This is brutal! Is she appealing? Absent some sort of child welfare issues, this seems really unusual that she wouldn’t have contact with the sons. Like at a minimum, I’d expect that if he was allowed to move with them that she would get Christmas and summer holidays in DC plus reduced child support so she has $$ to fly out for visitation.
Sorry – just realized you asked for advice on how to cheer her up – gift certificate for a spa day?
Anon in NYC
As a parent, I would be crushed if this happened to me. I don’t know exactly what I would want from friends in this situation. I don’t think I would want stuff, but regular messages that they care about me and are on my side would always been appreciated. Also, not ignoring the situation but also not making it the focus of every conversation (unless that’s what she wants). And of course, their presence when convenient would probably be a welcome distraction, so when you have the ability to travel to her (or vice versa), definitely suggest a trip.
A few things that might be appreciated:
A flower delivery, with a nice note saying that you’re thinking of her. It might be a bright spot in her day.
Phone calls/emails/texts that are not always about this situation but just a quick “I saw a woman on the train with the most fabulous coat” or “what do you think of these shoes?”
If she mentions not really having the desire to cook for just herself, send her a gift card to a local takeout place that you know she likes.
General encouragement – she says she wants to get back to yoga, your response is “great!” or if she says she wants to take a trip a la Cheryl Strayed and hike alone in the mountains, your response is “that sounds really interesting, but if you do that can you get one of those Spot Emergency trackers before you go?”
OMG, this sounds like an absolutely heartbreaking situation. I would just check in with her constantly, but don’t bring it up unless she does.
Make a phone/chat date with her and have something to discuss that has nothing to do with the situation. The Emmy’s are coming up this weekend. Make a date to chat during the red carpet and just comment on all the clothes. Not the same as being there, but might be a way to connect with her and spend time with her from far away and have a mutual “activity” that doesn’t revolve around her current situation.
The rationale of the court was that since her husband stayed home with the boys for almost 14 years she is obligated to pay him support. She does get time in the summer with them for a few weeks. My friend worked long hours and traveled a lot for work (I would estimate around 150 days of the year maybe) and in court the boys all said she was like a stranger. Her husband also accused her of having an emotional affair but nothing was proven. It’s a sad situation all around but I just want to make her feel better and take her mind off it.
I was going to say it sounds like mom cheated on SAHD. Then I read your comment.
Well, this story is slightly terrifying for moms with high-powered jobs.
Would you comment remain the same if the genders were reversed? As the OP said it is a sad situation all around and I empathize with her friend, but it would be just as sad if OP had posted about her SAHM friend who divorced her husband under the same circumstances as above.
Yes. I believe even when SAHM and a working dad divorce and the mom gets primary custody, the dad usually gets every-other-weekend visits or something like that. I have not heard of a SAHM getting being able to move the kids across the country from the dad. That is what I mean when I said it’s terrifying – because the court and her sons seem to be penalizing her for working long hours and not awarding her standard “dad” custody of every other weekend visits and allowing him to move to the kids to a place where she can’t work.
I was not referring to the financial part at all. When there is a big discrepancy in the incomes, the spouse who earns more should have to pay child support, whatever the genders.
I know many SAHM’s who were able to move with their children after a divorce to different states or cities. I can think of 3 in my family off the top of my head.
Yeah, sadly, I definitely know of multiple situations where a SAHM was permitted to move long-distance with the kids post-divorce (and one case where the couple is miserable but haven’t divorced because the SAHM threatened to move back to her difficult-to-travel-to small town with the kids if the husband filed).
That’s a rotten situation. I would go out of my way to call her on her kids’ birthdays. Birthing a child who later turns out to be ungrateful and out of touch is really rough.
What? Birthing children does not excuse cheating. The kids can be mad and decide to not speak to her
Why are you so quick to assume she cheated? Just because ex-husband accused her of it in divorce proceedings doesn’t make it true. Ask me how I know…
Yeah, how dare those kids not want to spend time with someone who worked long hours and was never home and was so distant that they are basically a stranger. So horrible.
Thanks everyone! These ideas are great!
One of my friends was in the midst of separating/divorcing her husband. I created a group chat among our close mutual friends and we would talk about anything and everything, including her situation with the doosh. It was a no-pressure way to chat and brought us all closer together.
So my job is significantly less high-powered and high-paying than most readers’ – it’s a combination of project coordination and administrative tasks at a non-profit. I’ve been working to improve my project skills and being proactive in seeking more work in that line, and I’ve talked to my boss about the direction I want to go.
Well, this week she’s had me take over several meetings, handle an important conference call, and is sending me to an industry conference for the first time. These might sound like minor things, but I am feeling pretty good today and wanted to share. Hope you all have had good things happen this week, too.
Good for you!
I’ve had a pretty good week, too! What with getting married to the best man in the world and all…
Another anonymous judge
Oh my heavens, Senior Attorney, I wish I could tell you how much delight I feel about your current circumstances!!!
Aw, thanks! That is so kind of you!!
Those things aren’t small at all- congrats!!! You’ve clearly been doing a great job and earned her trust. Going from “sitting in on meetings” to “leading meetings” is a HUGE step! I think possibly one of the biggest in a career, when you think about it. The next step that big is probably going from “not managing people” to “managing people.” I hope you do something nice for yourself to celebrate this weekend :)
Congratulations and best wishes :)
Well done! You should be proud and happy with your progress!
I had a great week – I saw my little one for the first time at my ultrasound today :)
How does everyone feel about Ellen Tracy? I’m tempted to buy this coat (last one in my size!!!) but it’s final sale: https://www.ruelala.com/boutique/product/98182/26495515/
What do you think?
I am not sure if this would qualify but amex return protection all the way!
If you are still reading and the coat is still there, I bought an ET coat from RLL several years ago and while it doesn’t get tough wear (warm climate, 3 coats) it looks great has years to go and always receives compliments.
Is There Such Thing As An Anti-Hoarder?
While everyone has been talking about the Marie Kondo thing and decluttering and there are all of these websites with “hacks,” I find myself struggling to keep things. For example, when I put laundry away, if a drawer looks kind of full, I suddenly feel a bit like I am carrying the weight of all the stuff in that drawer and I end up going through it to figure out what I can get rid of (either due to lack of great fit, having duplicates, etc.). I’m on a super tight budget and I don’t typically enjoy shopping (super pear/hourglass shape plus petite = abhorring dressing rooms and the shopping experience). However, I typically work from home and socialize in casual settings, so I’m beginning to wonder if I really even need that much in my closet/dressers.
I know it’s good to not be buried underneath your stuff and that there are folks with real hoarding disorders, but is it possible to be too far on the other extreme?
I’m the same. If body didn’t keep changing so much, I would have the same capsule wardrobe for years. I only keep shopping because I need to, and I ruthlessly donate clothes that no longer fit well. If I worked from home, I would own very few clothes.
If it’s causing you legit anxiety and affecting your life, it could be an issue although I can’t say what the name would be. The last time I felt this I was agonizing over which of a similar dress to get rid of. I eventually kept both reasoning that they were different weights so they were different enough to keep both.
We sound similar. I’m a minimalist and when I moved recently, once I sold all my furniture and kitchen stuff I intended to replace I left town with a suitcase (albeit an overweight one), carry on, and laptop bag. I had gotten almost all my kitchen stuff at a thrift store and just returned it there, considering it a rental.
Not sure if you’ll see this, but the form on the contact page is broken – looks like you may need to fix a plugin.
Do y’all think Louis Vuitton bags are…I’m going to say it…”basic”? Specifically their monogram collection (like the Neverfull)
I don’t think so but was interested in what you professional, fashionable people think. I see them in Southern California all the time and I was recently abroad in Singapore and they were everywhere I looked. I like them and think they easily can go between professional and weekend casual based on your outfit. What are your favorite handbags or designers that can go between professional and casual weekend? (I plan to look through old threads too, since I’m sure this particular question has come up at some point)
P.S. Not “basic” because of price. $1,300 isn’t exactly cheap!
Basic and trashy and oh so tacky. They were the staple bag of the girls I went to highschool with. In Toronto those bags are synonymous with bad taste and parental money. I’ve never seen a professional carrying one.
As for good multi purpose bags I see a lot of cuyana and everlane. The beauty is that you can never really tell which because they are unbranded, you just notice a high quality tote.
I love Everlane! I agree with the unbranded, high quality items. Was it $5,$5000? Who knows, who cares! On the extreme end of unbranded…I have a good friend at Bottega, so maybe she can hook a sister up :)
By the twentieth time I saw some 16 year old in Sing with a LV (and/or Celine, Fendi, Chanel) I knew…Wah!
I’m sorry but when you look at a handbag and think “trashy”…you’re just being a jerk. Mind your own business.
Idk trashy in this context is clearly not a class judgment (because they are expensive bags) but an analysis of taste and lifestyle. Conspicuous consumption isn’t really something to get behind, which is whay those bags are.
Anon in Biglaw
+1 for calling someone out for being a jerk.
My neverful has lasted for years and is convenient for both work and play. Before all the copies came out, it was one of the best made totes that was in a very convenient shape.
Yeah… I’d avoid LV. Those monograms are just ugly. Let’s be serious here.
I immediately think of the girls in college driving their brand new cars from daddy, carrying their LV (usually with matching wallets).
So many nicer options for that $$.
the gold digger
If you want a nice, well-made bag without tacky logos, check out Libby Lane. She makes gorgeous leather bags. I have one and it holds my computer, my lunch, my workout stuff, and zucchini that people have left in the break room.
Most days I am casual and some days I have to go to court or have a business meeting. I love the Sydney Fossil shoppers and have them in several colors because the design tends to be casual but they are well made and nice enough for dress up. I hate LV. Tacky and ugly.
The Sydney collection looks great. Thanks for the rec!
all about eevee
The only LV that I would carry is a Speedy in the Damier Ebene print, and even then, I would never wear it to work. I’m a fundraiser, and I have noticed that our large donors think they are tacky.
A partner form the German office invited all the (multi-national) project team to Munich for OkctoberFest.
I can’t win right? Either I don’t dress up and I look out of touch or I wear the dirndl and everyone stares at the black girl in Bavarian clothes. Plus how is it even OK to have an entire project team in a “get-drunk” festival…
Not even a troll just feeling trapped.
Well, I’d probably focus on it as a celebration of Bavarian culture and a well-known German festival. Sure there’s beer, and that means drunk people, but getting drunk isn’t the reason for Oktoberfest. It’s not the same as American drinking culture.
As far as Bavarian clothing – ask your hosts what would be weirder – foreigners wearing non-Bavarian clothes or wearing traditional Bavarian clothing. If you are wearing a dirndl, then you’ll have colleagues wearing lederhosen, right? That’s got to be at least as weird, yes?
People from all over the world go to Oktoberfest. I agree, ask your hosts re local dress and team expectations. Dirndls and lederhosen are actually normally kind of pricy and I can’t imagine you will be expected to wear one. Many tourists don’t. But you can get cheap, cute dirndls at C&A if you want one.
It’s true that this is not exactly an ideal work out outing for a group that may well include teetotaler vegetarians. But you don’t have to get drunk. Moderate drinking is normal in German culture and the host probably thought nothing of that aspect, and just thought this would be a fun way to share his culture with business partners.
Put on a flower crown, have a pretzel, and see if anyone wants to hit the midway with you instead of just sitting in the tent drinking all day?
It might seem like that to you, but I promise you’ll be okay! Sounds cheesy, but the most important thing for the Munich partners is that you’re relaxed and having fun. So even if it’s not quite your thing overall, just do what makes you most comfortable on the drinking and Dirndl front, because people notice the most if you’re relaxed. And if you’re in a tent that offers it, you can drink Radler (shandies) or even non-alcoholic beer. Good luck :-)
First time commenter but just had to add my experience being from Munich:
Going to the Oktoberfest with colleagues is very normal for any Munich-based company. I work for a big consulting company and usually get invited 1-2 times every year. The tents host tons of company parties.
In terms of drinking, think of it like a Christmas Party – have some beer but don’t get drunk. That’s what most people there will do, although there always tend to be one or two who go overboard.
Wearing a Dirndl is optional. If you do however, please please please buy a real one, even if it is cheap option. Do not buy one of he “dress up” options you can get at tourist shops and at the main train station. It is not halloween people, we are not playing dress up! If you do get a real Dirndl, expect to pay around $100 for a cheap option. I personally would’t buy one if this is the only time you will be going. Especially because the shops you can get them are going to be insanely busy during Oktoberfest. If you skip the dirndl, jeans and nice shirt are going to be just fine.
One more tip: Do not take public transport during the Oktoberfest if you can avoid it. Tons of drunks and what they leave behind…Just trust me and get a cab.
Let’s talk about baths. I’ve started taking them a few evenings during the week and they are helping with stress, and sleeping better at night. Any favorite bubble bath brands, bath bombs, or other bath products?
I use lavender bubble bath and find it very relaxing!
My grandma got me L’Occitaime lavender bubble bath a couple of years ago. So nice.
L’Occitane. I don’t even know.
I’ll have to look for that. Thanks!
Lush bath bombs in every variety, though I prefer lemony scents
Their rosemary lemon shampoo bar is so nice. I only recently bought it, and it’s amazing how little I need to use and how nice it smells.
Epsom salt (a scoop from the big bag at Costco)! Cheap and effective
Have any Hive members been a part of a DV support group that would be willing to share their experiences? Might be something I want to do but I have no idea what they look like in practice.
My Dad was abusive and I am in an online support group and its really helpful to feel validated and not alone.
Anyone work from home in a small space? Any desk recommendations? I need storage, but I’m basically cramming a desk into a bedroom corner
I just got this guy and I love it. It goes up against a wall, so uses not much space, but I can still fit a plush office chair under it, and it holds all my books/binders/knick0knacks
I do caution you though, it’s a pain to build. My husband did it for me mercifully, but if I had to do it again, I’d hire someone
I’ve got the Hemnes Ikea desk with the matching hutch. I really liked it during 3L and bar prep- it’s got a nice amount of storage, deep, but not gigantic. It’s held up well and has gotten A LOT of use over the past year. I was in a tiny apartment and it worked well for me.
Use the height you’ve got; add shelves. Get rolling storage you can slip under the desk when you’re not using it. Get boxes from Ikea to get stuff off the surface of the desk and onto shelves. Pinterest has good ideas- search “hemnes desk shelf.” If you can take over even a bit of the closet in the room, do that.
Thanks for the feedback. I’ve been eyeing that one myself!
I haven’t been to New Orleans in over 10 years, but have a work trip coming up.
Any recommendations on where to eat? Areas to avoid?
Just want to plug a pair of unicorn pants. I tried on BR’s “Ryan” fit today and was amazed at how awesome they were.
I am 5’5″, 140, small waist, short-waisted and pearish from my weightlifting butt and thighs. The 6R was spot on, the waist was an inch or so below my belly-button, waistband laid flat and didn’t stick out through my shirt (huge issue for me). The length was perfect and they are LINED. I nearly squealed.
Hope this helps anyone shaped like me who has issues finding pants that fit!
all about eevee
Can anyone recommend a good parka? I need a new coat and don’t want to buy anything puffy or fleece.