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Weekend Open Thread

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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

270 Comments

  1. What do you do for relieving anxiety while you’re stuck in the office? I’ve been trying really hard to deal with my anxiety in healthy ways (and not binge eat) and have been doing well for months but today I feel like I’m on the verge of losing it. I know if I could just leave and get away from my boss I’d be able to calm down, but I can’t just up and leave… If I were home, my go to moves are change into comfy clothes, get in comfy bed, hot bath or shower. I already tried going on a walk and deep breaths aren’t doing anything. Helllp.

    1. Do you have a door that closes with total privacy or are there windows? I have my yoga mat in my office and I have a couch. I close my door and lay on my mat/stretch or lay on my couch and look at my pictures on my phone. The key is laying down for me though. It is so un office like that it snaps me out of the office anxiety. But, no one knows I’m doing this. If someone walked in, at least when I’m on the yoga mat, I’d say I was stretching. Luckily everyone knocks here.

      1. Thank you!!! I’m going to take my mat out of my gym locker and leave it for next time. I love this idea. I ended up googling “puppies” and turned on white noise app. Surprisingly feeling better after 15 mins. Woah.

        2. This totally cracked me up! I love the puppies idea! I recently bought a mat for my office, too, and when things get really insane, i take laps around the parking lot. If you don’t have a therapist, i recommend doing that asap. I go once a week just to vent about work, she has to keep it confidential, and my daily stress level is WAY down!

        3. I use a noise app called Ambiane. The wave sounds always help to calm me down.

    2. Have you tried any guided meditation apps? I like Headspace – easy to do in your office with the door closed.

      1. tried it and love it. felt too far gone for meditating in the moment! TGIF

        1. “felt too far gone for meditating in the moment” – I hear on on that – that was me last night. Today I’m just so blah and unmotivated and counting down hours. TGIF +100.

        2. Jason Headly has a great short book called F*ck that, an honest meditation. It is a short picture book and it cracks me up but also serves as a real meditation. I googled it to get you a link and he has a youtube video of himself reading it.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92i5m3tV5XY

          The ad for other videos near it are borderline NSFW – girls in bikinis. Just an FYI.

    3. Do you drive to work? I sometimes scream on my way home after a frustrating day (it feels REALLY good). I find taking a few minutes to write down what I’m feeling and what’s bothering me helps too. And if I’m worrying about a to-do list, make sure it’s on paper (or online), broken down into as many chunks as possible, with a time estimate next to each one.

      1. I was the one with the crazy boss that wanted me in two places at once yesterday and had no concept of time. Luckily it was dark when I left work because I was throwing up middle fingers driving home wishing I could throw them to his face. It felt so good.

    5. … annnnd the story ends with a box of cookies to the face. c’est la vie I guess. It felt good in the moment!

    6. Therapist just told me about “Gratitude ABCs” – Go through the ABCs naming something for which you are grateful for each letter.

    7. What about music? I sometimes find that I do better with anxiety in the office if I can listen to music – it gives me a place to put all that nervous energy.

    8. I know you said deep breaths aren’t helping, but for some reason when deep breaths don’t work for me, doing a huge lion’s breath or two while in downward dog really brings me back to center and snaps me out of a spiral so I can refocus on reality. Something about the inversion plus the facial movement plus the feeling of roaring is so helpful.

      1. When you breathe deeply, inhale deep enough to expand your tummy, hold it for a couple of seconds and then exhale slowly. Doing this repeatedly should trigger the “relaxation response” that reduces tension and stress in your body. Focus your mind away from whatever events are stressing you and on your breathing.

    9. A walk is my go to solution most of the time, but I built my “anti-stress I don’t have time/it’s too cold to take a walk” kit with a bottle of lavender oil, herbal tea (lavender/mint) and color pencils. I quickly steep some tea, smell one of the oils and draw/color something on a post-it. 10 mins and I’m good to go.

    5. I think Kat is testing us to see if we even read the main posts….or maybe this is one of those things that I don’t understand b/c I don’t live in Manhattan. Sort of like everything SJP wore on Sex and the City…

  3. Non-profit board question. I’ve been on a board for a year or two and for a variety of reasons I’ve decided to resign. We just had our monthly meeting and I want to do it before the next one. Generally we all communicate via email. Would it be too rude/informal/jarring to resign via email? Should I write an actual letter? Call the president of the board? I don’t want him to try to talk me out of it so I’d rather do it in writing if I can.

    Also, we are a small board and I am good friends with several of the people so I want to let them all know directly from me. My preference would be email the resignation to the whole board but that seems a little off somehow. What do you all think? President first, then email to all? Or what?

    And also, how much of my reasons should I go into? Again, don’t want to open the door for discussions about changing my mind.

    Ugh. This is harder than it should be…

    1. Call everyone who you’re friends with and give them a heads up first. Then email president. Then email all.

      1. I’d actually do the opposite (unless they were like bestie-level friends): call the board president first, then tell your friends, then email the group. Your friends may try to give the pres the heads up, or talk you out of it themselves.

          1. I love that we, as grown women, use bestie. In the words of Dr. Mindy Lahiri, “It’s not a person, it’s a tier.”

    2. If I were going to resign from a board I would speak to the executive director and president of the board first, and then send out something to the whole group. I would include the ED because of the culture at this particular NFP — I think it’s sort of a know your board thing. If your reasons for resigning are not personal, I would encourage you to share them — if they’re bad enough to resign over, the other directors need to know so that they can fix the problems.

    3. I assume this is a mid-term resignation. Will need to replace you to keep the required numbers? If so, I’d probably do it as quickly as possible so that they can start looking at new members in advance of the next monthly meeting if needed. I’d probably do it in an email or a phone call to the President first, depending on how well you know them. If it’s for personal reasons, just state that and don’t get into it. If there’s an issue with the board itself or the organization, I think you owe it to them (IMO) to give them some information on that and tell them that’s the reason. Depending on the reasoning and how cordial it is, I may email the whole board to wish them good luck/tell them good bye. But I think that again totally depends on the reason.

    4. Presumably, you don’t have your meetings via email: they are conference calls or in person.

      So communicate your resignation to the President before the next meeting, making it effective after the meeting. During the meeting, then, your resignation is an action item.

      Start off by saying that your resignation has been accepted. Thank everyone for the joys of working with them. Briefly mention your reasons for leaving.

      And, um, you’re an attorney in your late 50s. Surely you know how to manage and steer conversations. It’s open to discussion if you let it be open for discussion.

    5. I got some very good advice once when I was leaving a position I had for a long time, like 20 years. Tell them everything good you learned/got our of this experience and then say but I am afraid if I stay any longer I wont feel the same way. Hard to argue with. And those folks still refer clients to me. Good luck.

    6. Board president here- What do your bylaws say about method of resignation? Follow those. For my organization, you have to give written notice to the president and email is fine. Keep the resignation letter short and positive. Copying the executive director is your call. You can ask the president if they want to notify the rest of the board or if they care if you do it. I’ve seen some resignation letters where the departing member really went off on the negative aspects of the org and the leadership. It came off as really unprofessional, didn’t help the organization and that letter is now part of the records of the organization (where it can be seen by grants, auditors, etc). So please think twice before leaving that kind of paper trail when it’s based on personality differences.. If you think that the organization/leadership is doing some criminal or improper, that’s a different story.

    7. I work for nonprofits so am biased toward a staff view, but I would totally involved the ED sooner rather than later unless the Board is really managing day to day things without the nonprofit’s staff. In my experience the staff are the people on the ground actually recruiting board members, arranging meetings, setting agendas, etc, so they will be more impacted than the other board members by your departure. But in terms of protocol, informing the president and ED before you inform the rest of the board first seems appropriate.

      1. Heh. It’s so adorable that you assume we have staff! ;) This is a teeny tiny organization and the ED is the only staff member.

        I think you’re right — president and ED first, the rest of the board later.

        And perhaps I will just wait until my terms is up in January, since Maddie Ross brought up the mid-term thing. Seems more graceful and it’s just a couple of months away.

        Thanks for the feedback, everyone!

        1. If you’re okay with waiting until your term is up in January, I would send the ED/Board Pres an email to let them know now that you’re not interested in serving another term. Then the news won’t seem abrupt in January and the two months lead time will give them a chance to start recruiting for a potential replacement.

    8. I’m on a few boards. Currently, I serve as board president on one board and I was president of a smaller one in the past. I would call the board president and the CEO/ED. Then, write a letter. Then, email those you feel like emailing individually.

  4. I would love to hear from someone who has experience with asking a friend to be a sp*rm donor. Can this be papered sufficiently so that friend can’t later challenge custody, etc.? I’m a product of an acrimonious custody battle myself, and having watched a friend go through a horrendous custody trial, I want to make sure that if I decide to have a child on my own, I get to continue to have full legal and physical custody. Obviously using an anonymous donor at a sperm bank would solve this, but if possible I would really like to go the friend route, and I have a friend in mind to ask. He’s a kind and awesome human so it’s not that I particularly expect problems with him, but what happens since he’ll still be around in my life, if he wants to make a claim to get parenting rights later. I guess my question is – can parenting rights be sufficiently waived by contract prior to conception?

    1. Dude, you need to talk to a lawyer in your state who specializes in this area. And… even if your state’s laws are favorable to what you want to do, what if you or he or both move to a state with different laws? Proceed with extreme caution…

    2. can parenting rights be sufficiently waived by contract prior to conception?

      – this depends entirely on where you are located. You need legal advice specific to your location.

    3. It’s not your original question, but I think you should also look at how children conceived that way turn out. It is my understanding that they are often hurt (in profound ways) that their fathers want nothing to do with them.

          2. Actually, academic research that shows how donor-conceived children have higher rates of substance abuse and problems with the law than their peers.

            But thanks – your bitchy, anti-intellectual commentary really added to the discussion!

          3. Don’t be mad because someone replied with the same tone as your judgy unasked for opinion. OP didn’t ask for views in single parents vs partnered parents.

          5. Bridget, those are the same numbers for children that grow up without fathers. How ‘do they turn out’? Well, we all know healthy functioning adults without fathers as well as two-parent children that have problems with substance abuse and the law. It’s possible that OP likely would have liked to have a child with a partner and not a donor, but that may not be her reality and it certainly wasn’t her question. Her question was anonymous donor v. friendly donor, and I believe the comments about the law and the dynamics of the friendship between the parents as well as with the child are useful and on-point.

      2. Not quite the above response, but I have seen it be a thing (my child is preschool with a child-by-choice of a law-school friend of mine and it is something that the kids are already discussing at 4 years old). I think it would be doubly so if they ever found out that Friend Eddie is really your dad.

        TL;DR: the talk is going to happen regardless; not a reason not to do it though.

        1. I knew someone once who was one of the first “test tube babies.” I don’t know what it was like for her growing up, but in college she thought it was great because it showed how badly her mother wanted her.

        1. sorry that was regarding the reference to academic research- would be great to actually know which paper/journal you are talking about.

    4. Depending on your state, it can also depend greatly on what you mean by “sperm donor.” If you mean the two of your are going to have sex so you can get pregnant, his rights may be different than if you went through a reputable fertility clinic with his sperm. Home AI is a whole different matter.

      1. Blonde lawyer is right. Personally, I want to have a husband to raise my baby and that is why I have NOT just had sex to get a baby. Men want to do that with me right away, but I do NOT take my pantie’s off for sex unless I know the man will be comitted to me and to children, not just to have sex. I am almost 36 and NOT married for this reason. I supose I could have had a baby by now IF I were willeing to bring up the baby as a singel mother, but I do NOT. I want a man in my life, not onley for ME, but for the baby. I do NOT want Artifiecual Insmenintion either. I want a real man in my life, even if he is not perfect. I think that a man and a woman TOGETHER make it easier for a baby to grow up, and want MY baby to have the best. I feel bad for peeople that do NOT have the best option’s and that is why I am now anxius to get a man to marry me so that I can have a baby. I hope all women want the best for themselves and their babie’s, like I do. YAY!!! I have to get back to my billeings now b/c it is the end of the month. FOOEY!

    5. Thanks all, I’m researching state laws, but it seems that the key issue is to have him give his donation to a licensed physician who performs the AI (so no at home version of anything).

    6. Speaking from experience, being a single parent by choice is extremely difficult. EXTREMELY. Do yourself a favor and use a Bank for this. Save the energy for raising a child by yourself. You’ll need all the strength you have.

      1. (1) You need to research the laws in your state. I would highly recommend an attorney. State laws vary (a lot), as does the degree of protection you have. In many states (California for example) the involvement of a licensed physician is key, but that is not universal. Be aware that most doctors will require you to freeze and quarantine the sample to ensure against disease transmission. (2) His rights will depend on the laws. Any pre-conception agreement you enter is likely to be void. However, I still recommend that you document each of your intentions. It can both ferret out any unanticipated areas of dispute and serve as a reminder in case someone changes their mind later. (3) I am also an SMC and every parenting experience is different. I would not agree that in my particular case being a single parent was any more difficult than parenting with a partner. That is not to say that other people do not have other experiences. Also, as the parent of an older child, I can see both advantages and disadvantages to being able to identify her biological father. One way is not necessarily easier or harder than the other and much of it depends on factors you cannot guarantee at the outset.

        Good luck.

        1. Adding to this in realizing we are all answering a question you did not ask, I did not go this route. Based on my research, you should go into the conversation with answers to the obvious questions: What do you anticipate his role being? What legal rights and responsibilities will he have under your state’s laws?

          It might help to fill out some of the co-parenting questionnaires just to flesh out the issues you should be prepared to discuss. They have a lot of issues that will not apply if you are just looking for a donor, but can still help think about the issues. Give particular thought to when you plan to tell the child, who else you plan on telling (your family? his? friends?), and guardianship issues in the event of your death.

        2. Thank you, this is very helpful. Did you use a sp*rm bank? How was that experience, if you don’t mind me asking?

          1. I did. Physically, it was a lot like a pap smear. The most frustrating part was that I would select a donor, use him for a cycle and then find there were no more samples available. That was particularly an issue with California Cryobank – probably because they are so popular.

            If there is a chapter of Single Mothers By Choice in your area, I would highly recommend attending a meeting. Even if there is not, their on-line forums are very active and helpful.

            You are welcome to email me at OfCounselSD@gmail.com if you have any questions

  5. I live in NYC and I’d like to start using a service like Fresh Direct so I can save time and do my food shopping when it’s more convenient for me (at night because I’ve been working nonstop lately…). But I’m worried about not being able to pick out my fresh fruits and veggies. Does anyone have any experience regarding this?

    Additionally / more generally, do any NYC r3ttes have specific recommendations for the best company to use for food delivery (especially in terms of freshness, pricing, selection, delivery speed)? I just said Fresh Direct because that’s the only one I know of.

    1. I have used FD for a few years and consistently get excellent quality produce. That was my biggest hesitation with signing up, and I’ve found the produce is way better than I used to get at ShopRite. Maybe not as good/fancy as WF, but also cheaper than WF. And the time-saving aspect of it is AMAZING. The very few times I’ve gotten a messed-up item, they refund it no questions asked.

    2. I used to use Fresh Direct and thought that the quality of the produce was always great and their customer service is pretty good if you’re dissatisfied with something or if something isn’t in great condition (broken eggs, etc.). But it just got to be too expensive for me. I’ve heard mixed reviews about Instacart. Another option is Peapod. Here’s a link to some of the options available to you: http://www.ediblebrooklyn.com/2015/grocery-delivery-services-new-york-city/

    3. Just use Fresh Direct. Their fruit and veggies are great, and if you get a one off bad peach I’ve always just asked for a refund and gotten it no hassle.

    4. I love Fresh Direct. Their produce tends to range from OK to pretty good, with the occasional outstanding item. It’s rarely bad, and you can return if it is. Yes I could pick better on my own, but then I’d have to go to the grocery store – that’s an easy trade-off for me. (I will occasionally still swing by the store if I need something very particular – like avocados that will be perfectly soft by tomorrow for a recipe or something). Overall, FD is reliable, a bit expensive (but that goes with the territory), good selection, good customer service.

    5. I like fresh Direct a lot and have been consistently satisfied with their fruit and veggie selection. Definitely recommend.

      The only other service I’ve used is Amazon Fresh. It’s ok and I still use it occasionally but it’s better for pantry-type items. Their method of packaging is super annoying though. They expect you to hold the bags and cold container materials until your next delivery. They’ll come pick them up in the meantime but give you a 3 day window when they’ll do it.

    6. If you go with Fresh Direct, get their turkey meatballs! My in-laws live in NYC and I request those every time we visit. They’re so, so good.

    7. FreshDirect produce is fine. And their stone fruit during the summer is fantastic. I’ve found certain things don’t transport well–raspberries, for example. I’ve also had stone fruit arrive damaged or yogurt containers split. But the company is very prompt about giving refunds for damage. The only thing I won’t buy any more is fresh fish. They promise you a weight range and 0.9 lbs is way different than 1.2 lbs. Smoked salmon, OTOH, they have really good quality.

    8. I like Instacart from Fairway due to the variety – FreshDirect has a more limited selection.

      1. +1. I use Instacart from Fairway or Whole Foods. It’s not perfect (sometimes they replace an out of stock item with what I consider to be a strange replacement), but they’ve always refunded me for mistakes. Produce is exactly what you’d get at Fairway or WF.

        1. Do you have to live near a Fairway to use this? I love Fairway. Does Trader Joe’s do this too?

  6. I can’t even with this blazer-dress. (drazer? bless?)

    I work for a government agency, and we recently hired an attorney who had 3-4 years of work for a public interest group. She has been with us a few months and is clearly frustrated with the work. Turns out she thinks it is too bureaucratic (which: yes, government) and things take too long. The other members of the team have been here for years and while we recognize some bureaucracy, we also know from other agencies that ours is one of the more efficient ones.

    Any suggestions for how to best support her as she resets her expectations? I really don’t think she’s been there long enough to understand how to navigate things best, but I also understand that she might be looking to leave ASAP. Mostly I want to say chill the F out, it takes people 6-12 months to really learn this job and the culture here.

    1. I find it depressing that you want her to just accept the bureaucracy, like everyone else on the team has. Our government is way too bloated with bureaucracy, and so is a lot of the private sector. The world does not need more forms, boards, and meetings.

      1. There is a reason sometimes for the layers in government – and in private sector. Mostly CYA, and when you’re talking about the reputation of a state/country on certain issues – yes, that matters. It doesn’t mean “more meetings” but it does mean sometimes things move slower than we would like.

        This is true for any job though – you can’t know for 6 to 12 months if you really hate it. But she may just not be cut out for government. I’d really consider having a lay-it-out heart to heart with her, but ultimately if she wants to leave, there is probably a line of smart, qualified people looking to take her place.

      2. True.

        But if that what she wants to do, she’s got to get herself elected. Not be a newbie hire inside an agency.

      3. The bureaucracy actually serves a purpose – such as, we need to make sure that our boss, and the two bosses above, and the general counsel all agree on something before it goes public. Better to put the effort in beforehand to make sure that we are taking the correct position. And we really are fairly efficient for government – not private-sector efficient, but things are decided in a matter of days or a few weeks, not months or years.

        I think she is frustrated at not being empowered to make decisions on her own, which is understandable, she also applied for and was hired for a staff-level position.

    2. Maybe she’s recognizing the job is not a good fit for her. She doesn’t have to reset her expectations.

    3. Honestly I don’t think that she needs any sort of specific “support” that you’re going to learn about from internet strangers. What new employees in any role need is a mentor that they can trust to candidly discuss things. Here, this doesn’t mean trashing the bureaucracy on her part, or you telling her all the government’s secrets or whatever. But if it were me, it would go a long way for me to have someone with whom I could discuss my (reasonable) frustrations and ask for explanations as to *why* we’re doing what we’re doing, what is typical, and how to navigate things, without fearing that I’d be looked at in a negative light for having these questions/issues. So much angst for employees who are new to a workplace could be alleviated with just a little openness and trust from a supervisor/coworker.

      Don’t just tell her to chill out and that “she’ll get used to it,” give her actual context for what’s happening and actual advice on how to deal with it. Then she’ll probably chill out.

  7. Reposting because the other thread doesn’t get many views.

    Do you think this new FBI investigation into the Clinton emails is going to change many voters’ minds?

    Also, do you think that there’s something even bigger on Trump (not sure what it could be) that will come out next week?

    1. Yes, I think this is very likely to impact the election. As 538 said, both Clinton and Trump are highly unlikeable, therefore whoever is in the news at the moment is losing. She has a bit of a cushion on him, although the race was tightening before this. I think this will absolutely make the race much closer and there’s now a very good chance he’ll win. I’m terrified (and think it’s absolute garbage that Comney is so blatantly interfering in the election).

      1. It’s blatantly interfering now but it wasn’t blatantly interfering months ago when he said she had broken the law but decided not to prosecute?

        1. Not a lawyer huh? He doesn’t prosecute DOJ prosecutes. He gave his opinion, DOJ could have gone against it and taken up the case but they didn’t.

          1. Condescending huh? You know what I mean. He said no reasonable prosecutor would take the case. Duh. And obviously the DOJ did what he said. They would never go against it.

            Signed, lawyer with federal appellate clerkship

            P.S. I’m not a Trump voter, so thanks for taking off the gloves immediately.

          2. Also, this makes it so obvious why Trump voters don’t like the elite. Rather than addressing the merits of my comment, you instead made fun of me. Nice.

          3. I don’t care one way or another on the merits of your post, anon at 3:03, but I’m so sick of this term “elite” being thrown about as if it’s a curse word. You’re using it to dismiss a class of people and their positions because of some knee-jerk response to perceived class warfare (besides, don’t you have a federal appellate clerkship? aren’t you an “elite”? from one former federal law clerk to another, I can’t imagine many positions more elite than the federal judiciary. I digress).

            Yeah, some people are educated. Some people understand things. Gee, these are the people I want making decisions and running the country. Since when is it bad to be educated and knowledgeable? Or, if you simply choose to define “elites” is those people in positions of power, you’re just standing for the meaningless proposition that its justifiable to hate people who are in power solely because they are in power.

          4. I’m a career clerk and know many former federal appellate clerks. The ones that feel the need to mention it within 5 minutes (I’m looking at you 2:58) are usually young and immature or….gasp….elitist. Find a different metric to measure your value.

          5. Pointing out the obvious here:

            Her clerkship is relevant to her ability to understand the basics of the law. Yes, one internet stranger presumed another to be stupid, but it turns out that the “stupid” person is actually rather talented. Attacking her alleged youth only strengthens her point that you’re attacking her, not her ideas.

            And the “elite” designation isn’t about education or work ethic… it’s pushing back against a group of people who, words aside, don’t believe that everyone was created equal.

            I simply do not believe that my brains, education, professional success, or work ethic – all of which make me among America’s elite – make me better than anyone else. Period. It doesn’t make me more capable of running the lives of secretaries, mechanics, receptionists, brick-layers, or stay at home moms with high school diplomas: they can run their lives. They don’t need or want “elites” to do it for them.

            My education and experience have taught me that centrally planned economies fail because of the huge lack of information that even the most astute people can absorb. I believe that everyone acting in their own best interest produces more happiness, better results, lower prices, and faster production of what people want and a faster termination to what people don’t want.

            My engineering education taught me that 100% efficiency doesn’t happen, and in fact, even theoretical efficiency is always below 100%. That tells me that the existence of imperfections and problems in a process is hardly a blank check to hand over control to someone: you first have to establish that it can actually be done better, and then that the proposed solution doesn’t cost more or have unintended consequences that are larger than the problem you’re trying to solve. Most modern “elites” are existentially opposed to those basic ideas.

            But I guess being anti-elite makes me stupid or anti-intellectual or what-have-you….

          6. Thank you. Of course I’m elite. I’m not saying I don’t like people with education. I’m saying I don’t like people who think education makes them better than others. “Not a lawyer huh?” Is one of the most dismissive and elitist things you can say.

    2. No, and yes.

      Re #1: I guess there’s an outside possibility of some bombshell in there, but primarily I think people have made up their minds re Clinton’s emails. It will add fuel to the Trump camp, but I don’t think there are a lot of voters left sitting on the fence who will be swayed by an undisclosed number of unspecified emails. As I said in the other thread, I think it will be more of the same and I’m crossing my fingers on that.

      Re #2: I have heard vague rumblings of additional Trump dirt both in the media and through the grapevine of a few friends/colleagues with loose connections to the Clinton campaign. He’s been on video and in the public eye for so long, there’s got to be something– but I can’t really imagine what would be worse than a videotaped confession of a habit of s3xual assault, so there’s that. If people haven’t already run away from him, I can’t think of much else that would tip the scales. Similar to the way I feel about the Clinton emails.

      So, bottom line, I’m crossing my fingers to maintain the status quo for the next 11-ish days.

      1. Right- I would be surprised if the Clinton campaign (or those affiliated with them) hadn’t saved something for next week.

    3. Hopefully it’ll play out like all the individual allegations against him — no one is even listening anymore bc it isn’t “new” — it’s all part of the same nucleus of facts that came out earlier.

      Seems like the polls are tightening though — I think ABC’s poll only showed a 4% lead this morning. For the life of me I still don’t get how all those polls are SO tight and 538.com is suggesting an 80+% chance of victory. I know people have posted the 538 methodology but it still doesn’t make sense.

      1. Because her chance of winning by 5% is extremely high. She doesn’t need to win by 50% more of the vote over him.

        1. Exactly. It reflects confidence in the numbers turning out a certain way. Let’s say I have 100 people and 51 of them ALWAYS vote A and 49 of them ALWAYS vote B. I can say with 100% confidence that A will win because I know for sure how the 100 will vote. And A will win because 51 beats 49 even though it is close. This is why if you answer a polling call, they ask who you would vote for if you voted today and ask how likely that is, which measures the confidence.

      2. Because 4% is a pretty comfortable margin in a presidential race. It’s often much closer. She also has many more solid electoral votes then he does, which means she can win with just a few toss-up states, where he needs to win pretty much every toss-up state. It’s just math that it’s much more likely someone will win two states out of a given ten then seven states out of the same ten.

    4. No, people who hate her for her emails are set. People have decided about this.

      Yes, 100% chance Trump will cause another major scandal.

    5. I wrote on the other thread that I am also worried. I think the news about the obamacare premium hikes is going to hurt her too. I don’t think the news will sway many democrats but I think it will sway on the fence republicans either back to Trump or over to a third party.

      If she were elected and impeached (thinking worst case scenario) does the presidency turn over to the VP then or is the VP also tainted by her impeachment?

      Also, I don’t know where this “new info” came from but if it is part of WikiLeaks, can the gov’t even use illegally obtained evidence?

      1. VP takes office if President is impeached. I don’t see how Kaine would possibly be tainted by her email scandal since he was just a senator at the time.

          1. I’m a Republican. My preferred president list would be Pence, Kaine . . . . [a really big space] and then HRC, Trump.

          2. at anon 3:04

            You really like Pence enough that you’re totally unbothered that he’s fine with Trump’s record of sexual assault/harassment? Liking Pence on his own before this election cycle if you’re that conservative is one thing, but liking Pence after his continued support of Trump?

          4. 3:13 poster, is HRC that different, being on board with her husband’s onerous $ex shenanigans before, during and after his presidency?

        2. That’s incorrect. VP doesn’t take office if president is impeached; Clinton was impeached. Gore never took over.

          1. ETA: correctme kindly if I’m wrong; I’m turning to my knowledge of history, and not law, for that comment.

          2. I assumed that the OP was using “impeached” to mean impeached+convicted in the impeachment trial (which is how most people end up thinking about it). The president is only removed from office if convicted in the impeachment trial, obviously.

          3. I was assuming that poster meant both impeached and convicted, which people often colloquially refer to as “impeached.” You’re correct about Clinton.

          4. Got it. Thanks for clarification. Wouldn’t that be a nice footnote in history – husband and wife both impeached. Oy.

      2. The presidency turns over to the VP – remember, he is individually elected, even though he’s on her ticket.

      3. I’m nervous too. I also had the same question about Wikileaks.

        I’m afraid that no matter who is elected, this craziness will just continue. I could see either side trying to impeach the winner.

        1. If Trump wins, the House/Senate are almost guaranteed to be Republican (Congressional voting follows the Presidency but is skewed more right, i.e. Clinton might win without Congress going blue but not the other way around), so no, he will not be impeached.

          1. There are a bunch of republicans who don’t like Trump though and might like having Pence in charge. I think under normal circumstances the Republicans wouldn’t try to impeach their own president. But I think there might be a chance (perhaps just a really small one) that some would be willing to join with Democrats to do so, particularly if Trump is as out of control in the White House as he is on the campaign trail.

          2. Given how absolutely spineless sitting Republicans have shown themselves to be with respect to repudiating Trump, I think that is extremely unlikely to happen, unless he does something far more outlandish than anything he’s done so far.

          3. That could very well be true. I’m still nervous the chaos won’t end after Nov 8th though.

      4. I don’t want to see her be impeached and I would be sad about it, but Tim Kaine would be a fine president. Trump would be a nightmare. The election is far more important to me than the aftermath of the election.

        2. Oh I absolutely agree with you on the importance of the election! I’m 100% voting for Clinton. It’s just that normally when people get tired of the election cycle they can look forward to the days after the election. This time I don’t think we can count on that.

          1. In the threading on my phone, this looked like you were replying to me. Sorry if my response looks out of place!

        3. Kaine would be a very good president. I lived in Richmond when he was mayor, and have watched his rise since then. He’s one of the good ones.

    6. I’m freaking out. My husband, who has always been all “Calm down, she’s going to win” to my anxieties about the election just told me he think it’s over and Trump is going to win. Honestly trying not to cry at my desk.

      2. Clinton’s campaign is probably preparing a giant oppo dump/October surprise right now. I’m certain we’ll be hearing a LOT about Trump’s misdeeds soon.

        1. G-d, I hope so. Although a 12th woman accused him of sexual assault yesterday and it was barely reported…

      3. Oh come on. Such an overreaction on both of your parts. Comey simply said that the FBI is looking at additional “relevant” emails. I think it’s highly, highly unlikely that this review would be completed before the election. It’s more of the same related to the same email scandal, and it’s not going to move the polls to any significant degree.

          1. The media is part of the problem though. They make it a big breaking story in all red. They don’t say “a few emails are being reviewed.” They say FBI RE-OPENS INVESTIGATION ON CLINTON in huge letters.

        2. The pundits, the betting markets and the stock markets all disagree with you.

          1. The pundits have every incentive to make this race seem closer than it is to get people to tune in. The betting markets have moved a bit but not that much. A zillion factors can influence the stock market. None of these things are polls.

          2. Yeah, I’m sure the Mexican peso crashing within hours of this announcement is totally unrelated…

    7. What happens if she is impeached (charged? what is the right term?) before the election? Is there any possible way she can be disqualified from running, and effectively leave Trump as the only (major party) option?

      1. Indicted would be the right term. And it’s not going to happen. New relevant information was just uncovered. There is no possible way that it will be 100% reviewed and a decision by the (Dem-appointed) DOJ will be made in the next two weeks.

        1. This is my fear, and that of several others I know:

          I am a registered Republican, but do not want Trump or Pence as President. During the primaries, I voted for Marco Rubio early in the morning on the day he dropped out. My vote was basically wasted, and allowed Trump to win my state. Had I known Rubio would be ineligible, I would have picked whoever was next in line to be most likely to beat Trump. I don’t know if that would have mattered, but Rubio got a sizeable portion of the votes that were cast, so maybe it would have turned the tide.

          I was planning to vote for Clinton because she has the best chance of beating him. If there’s a chance Hillary will be made ineligible, I want to save my vote for whoever is next in line. Do I just wait until right before polls close to make sure my vote isn’t wasted?

          1. She’s not going to be indicted before the election, but it certainly won’t happen on Election Day itself. If you’re worried about this, I might wait until Nov. 8th to vote but I don’t see the point in waiting until the polls close. That just risks that your vote won’t be counted at all.
            (Also keep in mind that ~40% of votes will be cast before election day, so even if she were to drop out and be replaced by Tim Kaine or another Democrat and that person were somehow to get on the ballot at the top of the ticket, that person has a 0.00% statistical chance of beating Trump because only 60% of Democratic voters will be voting for them and the other 40% already voted for HRC. )

          2. She is not going to be indicted on Election Day. The entity that would indict her is the DOJ. The Obama-appointed DOJ. The DOJ is not on Mars. It is in the middle of DC and the leadership is well aware of the dangers of causing chaos in this election. In the unlikely event that Hillary is indicted AFTER the election and steps down, Kaine would take over the Presidency. Your vote will not be wasted.

    8. I do not like either candidate. One is like my aunt and the other is like my uncle. They deserve each other but would never be caught in the same bed together.

      1. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Wikileaks produced emails between these two revealing some previous P in Vs behind the dais?

  8. Personal finance question – what’s the logic against taking $ out of retirement accounts to pay off credit cards? If you take the money out, pay the 10% penalty to be done with the CC debt, and then amp up retirement contributions to make up for the withdrawal, why is that bad? Assuming the CC debt interest rate is over 10%. I know the conventional wisdom is to never withdraw from retirement but am not sure why.

    1. Because you never get that time of increase back. Because you won’t ever repay yourself. Because it doesn’t solve the credit card overspending issue. Because you can’t eat “lack of debt” in retirement.

    2. I don’t really know anything about withdrawing from retirement so I can’t say if I’d do that, but I would definitely stop funding retirement until CC debt was gone. No retirement account is getting you 10% interest.

    3. Not only are you paying the taxes/penalties on the retirement withdrawal, you are losing out on market gains, AND giving up tax-advantaged space that you can’t get back.

      1. How am I giving up tax-advantaged space I can’t get back? (I’m genuinely trying to understand this.) Won’t my future contributions be the same tax-advantaged? OOOH because of the tax advantage on the growth?

    4. Human weakness? If you never see your retirement funds as a source of cash, you’ll tighten your belt and spend less. But the “one time” use (no matter how mathematically sound) may turn into a habit (question mark?).

      That, and depending on your situation, you can work out better credit card terms with the issuer, transfer balances to a lower-interest card, split the debt in divorce, and even discharge it in bankruptcy. But a 401k is (almost always) yours and not going away, so transferring “always yours” money to “can make it go away” debt doesn’t make sense.

      (I think those are the reasons. Someone else can weigh in.)

      1. I think your first paragraph and Anonymous at 2:42’s (first responder’s) arguments are the strongest, although not quantitative, arguments for never ever touching your retirement account.

    5. DO NOT take a 10% penalty and pay taxes on your retirement money for CC debt!! And the money you take out and sink into your credit card gets no further chance to grow and you can not compensate for that by adding more funds later (time value of money – $ invested today is worth more than a $ invested tomorrow). If you absolutely need to pay off a CC, put your retirement contributions at $0 until that’s done but don’t take out existing funds – at least that way you lose out on contributions now, but you aren’t paying taxes or penalties or foregoing growth on past contributions.

    6. I think that once you’ve used 401Ks for non-retirement, there is always a risk you might go back. LIke how people used home-equity LOCs for money for things. If you just don’t go there the first time, you won’t be going back for more.

    7. Okay – I figured it out. It’s because of the tax benefits of the growth over time. I’m convinced. Damn, I thought that would be a nice easy solution. Back to the hard work.

    8. 401ks are pretty sacred and your creditors and even those with judgments against you usually cannot touch them. If you end up in bankruptcy they are frequently protected too. I think part of the advice to not use your 401k is because it is a rare day that anyone but you ever gets at that money. If you really felt compelled to do it anyway, you could do a 401k loan (depending on the terms of your plan) rather than a withdrawal so you pay yourself the interest back. That still has dangers because if you lose your job, the loan is due immediately, again depending on the terms of your plan.

      2. +1. If things go horribly terribly wrong and you have to file a bankruptcy case, qualified retirement accounts generally are protected. Lots of my clients make the mistake of using their retirement funds to pay down credit card or similar debt. I wish that they had come to me before that happens because then they could (if eligible for bankruptcy) receive their bankruptcy discharge and keep their retirement funds to get a more meaningful fresh start.

    9. I mean this gently, Wildkitten, but the easier way to target that credit card debt would be to cut down on higher-end fashion purchases. I’ve seen your posts asking for recommendations for purses in the 250 range (might be off slightly, but it struck me at the time since you have posted about CC debt previously), etc. I get that random posts on this site aren’t totally indicative of the state of your finances, but there is no way you should be considering withdrawing from retirement to pay for CC debt if you are still purchasing new items that are above Target prices. One thing that worked for me when I had some CC debt was just STOPPING spending on all non-essentials for a while. There were things I still needed, like an interview tote and new bras, but I didn’t make exceptions for them and just made do with what I had until the small amount of debt was gone. You might want to go about it a different way, but I’m saying this because it really can be done to just stop spending for a while. It’s hard, but worth it and seems to make things happen faster than just “oh I’ll try to reduce but still keep buying things.”

      1. Yeah, this. I’m pretty sure I make more than you do, I know I live in a lower-cost of living area, and I have literally never bought a $250 purse. Would I like one? Sure. But I’m a grown up and I have to live within my means and not buy things I can’t afford. You need to cut the spending, not raid your retirement accounts.

        1. Thanks. I’ve never bought a purse that expensive (at least not since I’ve had CC debt. I bought a nice bag in 2008 that might have cost that) and I’ve been making good progress paying down my CC’s. I ended up in CC debt from being unemployed for a while after law school, not from high end fashion purchases. I just ended a long term relationship and would love something like a withdraw from my (excellent) retirement to just clear out the last of the CC debt so I can make a fresh start, but it sounds like that’s not the best idea, financially. Thanks for all your insight, everyone.

          1. I get that urge (fresh start), but is there anything else you can do to get rid of the last debt instead? Not sure if you have any special talents or space in your apartment, but what about a temporary stint hosting people on Airbnb or doing tasks on Taskrabbit?

          2. I’ll just keep paying it down the way I have been. It’s been working well. Thanks anyway.

      2. This is very judgmental and presumptuous. The debt is likely not from a ton of high-end fashion purchases, but for something like medical or other bills.

  10. Please shop for me – looking for midcalf brown leather boots. I work in a casual workplace, so they don’t need to be anything too fancy. Not too high of a heel (foot problems. Looking to keep it under $250. Help!

    1. I would suggest Googling for “engineer boots.” Frye has a bunch for about $200.

  11. Happy weekend, Hive! Last Friday, someone posted that their first time with a new partner didn’t go well. I’m in a similar situation…but on the opposite end of the spectrum. New partner cannot finish and this has apparently always been a problem in his previous relationships. He thinks it’s both a mental and physical problem for him – that is, there’s a level of inhibition there, but he’s also used to touching himself a certain way and s*x doesn’t always adequately replicate that for him. Does anyone have experience with this? Did it resolve over time? Any suggestions for me or my partner?

    1. Break up. Good sex matters. You aren’t getting it. Not your job to fix him.

      1. Whaaaa? Where do you get that it’s not good for her? It sounds like the problem is his pleasure. OP, I’d start by encouraging him to talk to a doctor about it. If it’s been going on a while with different people it’s less likely to be nerves and more likely to be a medical issue.

          1. Well if he is a doctor, stick with him and eventueally he will get comfortable enough with you that you will soon come back to us and tell us he is finishing way to quickley! Grandma Leyeh always wanted for me to date a doctor, but it never hapenned. FOOEY!

            Also, I know b/c in the beginning of my relationship with Sheketovits, he was like your Doctor. But once he got comfortable with me and my body, he loosened up and was able to climax. The onley issue I had was that once he stopped respecting my needs, he would just care about himself, climax, and roll over after a minute, leaving me unsatisfied. This is something you should make sure does NOT happen with the doctor. You must be loveing to him, but do NOT be a doormat or he will not respect your need’s and will become like Sheketovits. In the meantime, work at makeing him comfortable with you, doeing thing’s that loosen him up and cause him to be able to climax, but NOT to soon, and you will have a great partner, AND a DOCTOR, who I have never been able to attract. FOOEY on me, but YAY for you!!!!

      2. I guess the question is – is it good for you? If not, knowing what I know now, I would break up with him. I think good sex is important.

        1. What if the positions were reversed and the woman couldn’t or***? It seems a little cold to just dump him.

      3. Last week, there was a compassionate discussion about women who have trouble finishing. In what world is it okay to treat someone like that for having problems in bed. You’re either supportive of the whole person or not.

        That said, the response is the same as it would be for a woman: have him talk to an expert about this. There are likely a variety of ways to help him transition away from the methods that make anything else not work, and to help him with the psychological component of gardening with you.

        But, he has to want to get help (and believe that going through the process is worthwhile).

        1. The world in which the point of dating is to discover if you are compatible and it is reasonable to decide if the sex isn’t good you aren’t compatible. Aka our world.

          1. Inherently incompatible or fixable incompatible? Sounds like the guy wants the situation to be different, and it’s very likely fixable.

            And would it be okay for a man to chuck a woman for similar reasons?

          2. Yeah absolutely. No one owes anyone time to fix themselves, and most people don’t change. If a guy doesn’t like sex with me he should break up with me.

          3. Yikes. Anonymous, I see your point of view but don’t share it. I really care about this guy and won’t be breaking up with him over this. As someone with a history of sexual assault who has also needed some patience from partners in the past, I have always been happy when others have extended that same generosity to me.

          5. Hope that didn’t sound judgey, Anonymous. I get where you’re coming from. Just see things differently based on my own experience.

    2. My partner used to have trouble, due primarily to depression and anxiety. It is generally no longer an issue (we’ve been married 7 years), probably because depression and anxiety are now under control. Assuming he’s not asking you to fix this for him, I would focus on your pleasure and doing things that feel good to him, whether or not he finishes. Let it be his issue and don’t make it bigger than it is. On the other hand, if he seems unwilling to do anything to address underlying mental issues, that might be a red flag, but I would give it some time before making that call. Also, try doggie style.

    3. Look up “death grip”, my fiance had that problem, but it’s much better now after some work on his part

    4. I have a little bit of experience with a similar issue. I’ll write a more detailed comment from home tonight.

      1. Home now… My husband didn’t have problems finishing but he had trouble getting and keeping it up, even when he was in his mid-20s and we were in the early, lust-filled stage of dating. He was super attracted to me and wanted to do it all the time, but had problems with the follow through. We basically figured out (independently, I think, although we did talk about it) that it was similar to the ‘death grip’ issue mentioned above. For him, the timing of self-gardening/LGPs mattered a lot. He can have several LGPs in the same day, but he often can’t perform for a day or two after self-gardening, because of the death grip I think. He has a higher drive than me, so it’s unrealistic to expect him to stop self-gardening altogether but it made for some awkward moments when I initiated an LGP and he wasn’t able to perform. Our solution has basically been to schedule LGPs so he knows when he can ‘safely’ self-garden. Not super romantic, but it works.

    5. Ah so he’s a death grip guy. Dan Savage has a whole thing about it. Basically dude has to ease off on his grip while erm self gardening. I went through this with a guy. He readily admitted that it was a death grip issue but just couldn’t seem to give it up. The relationship ended for other reasons, but I think his attitude was generally indicative of his selfish personality.

    6. My partner has trouble finishing, too. He talked to a doctor, but there wasn’t anything physical. Not everyone parties like on TV. We’ve been together 9 years, married for 4. He makes sure I finish in whatever way I want, then I help him finish, even if it means he’s doing most of the work while I just whisper in his ear. Sometimes he will finish now (we have a kid), but not typically. He was very shy and nervous when we met, so that may have been some of it, but certain positions also seem to help him as well.

      1. My partner’s maybe 50/50 on finishing in a PIV situation. It hasn’t affected our intimate relationship at all. Some of it is probably anxiety-related, but maybe 95% of the time he does finish one way or another and he’s super considerate and dedicated to my having a good experience. We are not planning kids (three total already from prior marriages) but I could see how that might be a challenge if you were.

        Honestly, people age and bodies change and there are lots of creative ways to approach that part of your relationship. Communicating well and adapting as necessary goes pretty far.

    7. I had this with one guy, and it I think it was due to his medication for depression. I suspected, but did not know at the time this was the cause. I think he was inexperienced, and was unaware of the impact of the medication.

      We are no longer romantically involved, but still friends. I’ve mentioned to him the impact of the drugs he takes. I’ve not gone deeper, because getting into performance issues and any coaching is not something I want to get involved in!!!

    8. My ex had trouble. In the beginning (honestly for a couple years) it wasn’t really an issue. It would either take a long time (which wasn’t a major problem since things were in the fun and exciting phase) or he couldn’t finish. Eventually he didn’t want to bother anymore since it was too much work. His issue was self-inflicted via too much p*rn and a death grip, and as another person said, the failure to address those issue indicated a level of selfishness that tanked the relationship. If the issue was related to something else, like a needed medication, it is still something to try and deal with (change the medication, see if less or no alcohol has an impact etc) but I’d be less concerned that it would have a negative impact on the relationship.

      1. This is one of the things I’m worried about. Now everything is new and so he’s still keen to have sex even if he can’t finish. And I know it still feels good. But I have to wonder whether at a certain point he won’t just become disinterested.

        1. I understand the concern, but don’t borrow trouble OP….I think communication is the key on this. You said he is a doctor, and not to make generalizations, but I’m wondering if he is someone who is in his head, introverted, and has difficulty with the emotional side of things. It might be a combination of emotional + physical?

          1. You’re completely right – I shouldn’t worry about that now and also, yeah, your description is spot on.

          2. I am similarly wrapped up in my head, don’t show emotions easily, and have a hard time letting go. I need to feel absolutely secure (basically, loved) to finish. Maybe you are the one that can help him with this emotionally, since you mentioned you really like him and have also needed some patiencce in the past. Maybe also you could lead by example and let go completely yourself? I hope it works out, OP.

          3. PS. Didn’t mean to suggest any of this is your fault or your burden to fix, or that it isn’t a combination of other physical/medical/stress factors. Just know it can be difficult for emotional reasons too and high achievers aren’t always excited about going to an expert for help.

        2. IN the OP you mentioned this was a challenge for him in previous relationships. I wonder how things played out in those situations and what makes you + him different than him + them.

    9. I dated someone with this problem for a long time. It didn’t change at all over many years…probably a combination of medication, increased anxiety over time about it not working, and him not being all that interested in gardening activities. He wasn’t very good at helping me enjoy gardening…so that was a big bummer. Not very interested in learning what worked for me.

      In the end I broke up with him for other reasons, but he hard a hard time reading situations…and this gardening issue was probably another manifestation of that.

      I think someone who was very dominant would be fine with this, but I personally wanted something more balanced.

  12. My last loan payment finally brought my law school loans under 6 figures, about a year ahead of schedule! I’m both happy and horrified at what remains at the same time. I figured some of you all here could relate/commiserate/ tell me it is ok to celebrate?

    3. Do a little something to celebrate! I celebrated a few years ago when mine finally got under my annual salary.

    5. I celebrate every time I cross a 10K mark. I just got down to 59K and danced in the living room.

  13. What do you wear when you’re going straight from a business casual office to a date?

      1. I think of these as mutually exclusive categories for the most part. If a dress is something I want to wear on a date, it is likely not appropriate for work. I guess some of my work dresses would be fine for a date, but I like to dress much s3xier on a date than at work. Also depends on where we are going and what we are doing.

    2. I think pretty much any kind of business casual attire is appropriate for a dinner/drinks date, but in my experience, guys like heels over flats, skirts over trousers, and button-down shirts, so I’d say low heels, a pencil skirt and a silky button-front blouse. But keep hemlines modest and make sure the clothes aren’t too tight if you want to avoid looking like you tried for the “s*xy librarian” look.

      1. I haven’t dated in a really long time, and maybe LA is just very casual, but I would feel ridiculous showing up to meet a guy dressed in a pencil skirt and low heels. Especially if you “made sure to be modest.” And these are things I wear to work regularly.

        1. By modest I just mean not a mini-skirt or a plunging neckline or 6″ heels…work appropriate, basically. I’m not suggesting you dress “modestly” in a religious sense. I think women in business attire, especially skirts and heels, is a real turn-on for a lot of guys, and thinking you have to show a lot of skin to be sexy is kind of simplistic.

          If the concern is being too dressed up, well, if you’re meeting the guy straight from work, won’t he be expecting you to show up in business casual attire? Assuming he works in a business casual office too, won’t he be similarly dressy? I get that you shouldn’t dress like this for a Saturday afternoon coffee date but I don’t see what’s wrong w/ wearing work attire to a date right after work.

    5. I would wear a nice top and trousers and then switch the trousers for skinny jeans immediately before leaving the office, leaving the trousers in my desk drawer to take home the next day.

    6. I’d wear something that showed a little skin but then I’d wear a cardigan/scarf to cover up while at the office and remove for date.

    7. Whatever work dress I’m feeling cutest in at the moment. I don’t need to hide that I’m employed and coming from work.

      1. +1 Do you think men put this much thought and effort into their attire? If they’re coming straight from work, they’re wearing whatever they wore to work.

        The only reason I might change is if I know he’s going home first (like he works a 9-5 but we’re meeting at 7:30 to accommodate my schedule) or dresses casually at his job (like if he works from home) AND we’re going to a super casual place; then I might consider switching to jeans just so I’m not overdressed.

    8. Flattering dress with a cardigan/blazer for work. You can also switch out your shoes if that helps you feel more date-like.

    9. Can you change into a cute(r) / casual / date appropriate top & shoes before you leave work and take your work things home another time (or leave them in your car)?

  14. Can I ask about shoes for people with very “challenging” feet? I can wear Munros because they come in Wide width and also offer considerable arch support. I have tried La Canadienne boots but they hurt my Plantar Fascilitis heels and were not wide enough. Dansko shoes are so unattractive as are Allegria. Clarks and Naturalizer are also not offering enough arch support. Any suggestions for stylish shoe sot wear with skirts and dresses besides Munro (which I like but they don’t offer many new option each year and this year they seem to be very masculine looking). Thanks in advance

    1. I have these issues as well, and I find naot has a wide variety of styles that work well. I have found some la canadiennes to fit better than others– the suede ones work best for me, as the leather is more supple and stretches more. Some ecco shoes fit well ( though some styles have less arch support). Cobb hill is ok, but can vary from style to style. Fly of london has some neat styles– I like the lower heels– they are a bit bouncy and supportive. Finally, some shoes made in Spain — el naturalista, and hispanitas are well made and will be comfortable and accommodate an orthotic. Look for a rigid sole, but with a layer of soft cuishoning, if that makes sense. It is trial and error, so good luck, and happy shoe hunting!

  15. Just sat at my club for an hour while the bartender greeted and took drink and food orders from all of the tables of men, and never said a word to me. Apparently, my gender actually rendered me invisible. I voted with my clacky pumps for drinks at another venue. But now I have to ask, does this happen to the rest of you?

    1. I travel for work a lot and this does happen sometimes in the hotel lounge… and in the amount of help/attention I get from flight attendants in first class.

      I do think a factor is that I am solo in bars versus being in a group. I will likely not spend as much as a group.

    2. No. Never. Complain to leadership and if they don’t fix it immediately, consider other options.

    3. Yes.

      Not in a scenario like in a private club (give them hell….), but in bars, stores, restaurants etc.. I have also walked out of places, but never feel satisfied by doing it.

      And the deeper I get into my 40’s, the more invisible I become.

      1. +1
        All you ladies who have never been invisible must either look like supermodels or be in your 20s or early 30s.

    4. No, never. Because after 5 minutes I flag him down, say excuse me, and after 15 I’d be speaking to the manager.

      1. +1 I can’t fathom just sitting around politely waiting to be waited on for an hour. Did OP not try eye contact, a hand wave, or walking over to the hostess? Did OP consider that maybe the men at the other tables had done one of those things to get prompt service?

        1. I can fathom this.

          Why so harsh ladies?

          It is still hard for me to be forward, even in unimportant day to day interactions. Sometimes you just want people to do what’s right without having to push all the time. I’ve gotten enough subtle criticism for being forward/opinionated at work (totally sexist) that I now err too far the other way. Guys get away with this so much easier.

          I work in a hospital, and the dance required to work with nurses as a female doc compared with a male docs…. Frustrating.

          1. Because after a hectic week of Leaning In I was too tired from fighting big battles to fight yet another little one.

    5. I’m a young looking 20-something (I get carded 90% of the time) but also a lawyer. It happens constantly.

  16. Hive, I’m in the running for a new job in an good overseas location (Europe) with an ideal portfolio of work and a good title at a well-known global organization. I heard an initial offer, and it’s roughly 60% lower than what I would expect the job to pay in the US based on public information. The offer shocked me – it’s less than I made straight out of college with only a bachelor’s. I expected some salary tailoring to the job location, but in the range of 10-15%, not 60%. I could use ANY advice on how to approach this salary negotiation. If this information is useful, I’ve worked abroad before, making 10% more than this job in salary but in that case my housing/phone/transportation/healthcare was 100% covered (prospective employer does not have any info on my past salaries).
    Will repost on Monday if this is too late on the weekend.

    1. If you were looking for 100k and ended up with 40k, there is likely not much to do. That is a pretty big gap.

      A longshot could be going to them with your lowest acceptable offer, and seeing what they say. However, you are going to need to be prepared for them to walk away. There may be no middle ground here.

      I would also research why the number is so much lower there. There could be a glut of talent there that drives down the cost of the role.

    2. Holy cow. Could it have been a typo? Were there no discussions at all re: salary range during the interviews?

    3. Would you have access to local healthcare or would you need to be self-insured? I always think salaries in the UK are quite low until I take into account healthcare and vacation days and then they don’t seem so bad.

    5. Since receiving the offer I have done a ton of research and local cost of living is about 60% of what it would be in my US city, so I think they have pegged it to that. The salary also seems in line with other local firms (EY, KPMG etc). So, based on this, my quality of life would stay essentially the same in new location. Still not sure how this works – do none of their other expats have US expenses (401k, travel, etc) while abroad?

        1. 60% less??? Which European city is this? Sounds fishy to me too. Can’t think of many European cities where the cost of living would be 60% less than in the average American city.

          1. Eastern Europe is really cheap. I would believe that a city like Warsaw is 60% cheaper than plenty of American cities, especially if the US comparison is NYC or SF. I have a friend who worked for Accenture there. Her salary was a lot lower than it would have been in a major city. I think it worked out to only about ~30k US, but it gave her a very comfortable lifestyle in Warsaw.

          2. Her salary was a lot lower than it would have been in a major *US* city, I mean.

      2. It sure sounds mighty ? fishy to me. I think they may be testing you to see if they can lowball you. You stand up and say what you need in terms of dollars and let them do the conversion.

      3. Is it a permanent assignment, or is it considered temporary and that you would return to the US after a certain period of time? If it’s permanent, they may consider that you don’t have any other US expenses like your 401k, especially if the country you’re moving to has a decent retirement/social-security-type program. Also, I’ve noticed that Europeans save a lot more than we do. So people they pay that salary may be able to travel just fine on their savings.

        IME, when I was transitioning Europeans moving to the US, the fact that they had to (1) actively save on their own for retirement, (2) pay their own health care, on top of (3) paying for everything else was always a big, ongoing, shock. So you may be feeling the reverse of that.

        1. It’s not a fixed-term position, but I don’t think there is an expectation that people will stay forever. Most people in the office stay for 3-5 years, sometimes more/less.

    6. Hi, I am from Europe and have worked across different EU states.
      Often, companies offer equitable salary for local market (i.e. high pay in EU standard, which might seem low in US standard).
      The salary levels also differ among EU countries – Western EU has at least +30% higher salary for the same position as in Eastern EU.
      Majority of EU countries pay healthcare, social and other benefits (company car, additional insurance, cafeteria, sports, etc) for their employees.
      The cost of living tend to be much lower than in the US (except for London and Switzerland), so at the end of the day, your standard of living may be even higher than in the US. The company may do a calculation for you – what is the real pay compared to US.
      I would, however, ask them about your US specific insurance/retirement savings (401k etc) – some companies might offer extra payments.
      I would also consider the fact whether this is just a temporary assignment (your pay will not matter much – foreign experience on your CV counts more) or a long-term/permament placement. If long-term, consider the COL and standard.
      Do not forget to ask your employer about the other perks and benefits that come with the new job, about insurance and taxes, what is the expected net income.

      Out of curiosity – could you please share your potential EU location?

      1. The position is located in Tallinn, Estonia. My role fills a hybrid niche of policy/business/cybersecurity.

        1. Thank you for sharing. And yes, Estonia is in the lower-end of cost of living scale. I have personally never worked there, but my colleagues confirmed it is a very easy/affordable place to live. Your -60% salary might actually be hitting their upper salary threshold for this position. The pay seems ok for local terms.
          This, of course, does not mean you should accept it. I just wanted to clarify that it is not fishy or a red flag. You need to understand whether this is acceptable for you given your financial situation.
          Baltic region is fairly open & transparent: You should feel comfortable coming back to the company and explain your concerns regarding the salary. Is there any “lowest threshold” you are willing to accept? Can the company match it? Sometimes, giving them rationale such as “I need to pay my US retirement fund/insurance which comes to xyz $ could make them more willing to pay this difference (and sweep it under “relocation support”). I got a one-off payment as part of relocation package to make up for things I needed to leave behind and I got a housing-support fee which covered my rent for 3 years (regardless of whether I stayed for a year or two or three). Ask them about the full package and see whether it is worth it.
          Also, my company has a generous year-end performance bonus system – can amount to 6months’ pay worth.
          In the end, you should also check with yourself what is it you are looking for with the relocation: newpersonal experience, improve your resume with intl experience, more money….
          Wish you all the best and in case you accept the offer – enjoy it fully! You will have a great time!

  17. I ordered some beautiful black leather Via Spigia loafers that just arrived. I am a perfect size 9.5. But these loafers seem to run big and they are clearly a half sized too big for me.

    I bought them on sale from shoes.com, and I am spoiled by my usual Nordstroms, and didn’t realize they were final sale. Ugh!!! Not cheap and not great sale either (still paid $170).

    Do I call shoes.com and beg, or can I make this work? I think I would need a shoe lining insert and heel insert at minimum. Ugh… Such a beautiful leather lined shoe.

    1. Exchanges sometimes have a different policy than returns. I think its worth a call to see if they will exchange for a smaller size. You might have to pay shipping, but against a $170 would be well worth it.

  18. Any bag suggestions? I’m going to a 2-day out-of-state work conference where I’ll be trying to recruit students and giving a presentation. I think I’m looking for some kind of leather tote or backpack to carry papers, brochures, my tablet, wallet, and water bottle. I also need some kind of small carry-on to fit a skirt suit, one pair of shoes, a dress, and a traveling outfit.

      1. Super timely. Also vote Tumi for the tote. Just treated myself to one today (happy birthday me!) and I’m so excited to break it out.

        Went for the Camila tote in Cranberry. Just enough red to be fun, muted enough to be a neutral. Squee.

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