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Even though it's not super cold yet, the reason we're posting these fleece leggings now is because they sold out last year. (So if you're interested, buy now.) Hue is one of my favorite brands — these leggings are comfortable, they keep their shape, they have functioning pockets in the back and a little coin pocket in the front, and they wash well. There are just no issues with these at all! And of course the fleece makes them nice and warm in wintertime. Fleece Lined Leggings
If you're looking for a great plus-size option, try these. (Alas, though Hue sometimes offers plus sizes for its leggings, it doesn't seem to right now.)
Also: If you're not yet a member of Amazon Prime, they're offering a today-only deal: save $20 and get a full year of Prime for $79. Nice!
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
friend issues
Having issues with two college friends. We are 10+ years out, so these are older friendships. We are on opposite coasts.
Friend A. I was in her wedding and we were very close in college, but since then, she has made it very clear that she has no interest in phone calls or casual texts… unless she has big news to share, like when she was getting divorced, moving to a new city, or made partner, in which case, I am one of the first people she contacts. I still see her when I visit her city and we have a great time, but in between, we don’t talk at all. It hurt me for a few years, but now I’ve just accepted it and I don’t even think of her as a good friend anymore.
Oddly, she seems to just be one of those people who is very much in the moment and focused on whatever is right in front of her. When I do see or talk to her, she makes me feel like I am one of the most important people in her life. But for me, that moment has passed after she distanced herself. Now she wants to plan a trip together (again, this is her reaching out to me because it’s something she wants). I’m kind of over it, but should I give her another chance if I do like her when we’re together?
Friend B is someone I care about, but it’s more like I care from afar than really want to maintain the friendship the way she does. Over the years, our values have become completely different and I just don’t enjoy spending time with her anymore. She is the queen of the guilt trip, she’s married to a guy I think is awful (she’s told me over the course of the relationship about what in my opinion is verbal abuse, but she married him anyway), is always kind of “woe is me” about everything, and she turns every phone conversation into a 2-hour therapy session. Over the years, I have tried to minimize contact (I never initiate contact) and just send holiday cards, but she will not get the hint and continues to check in every few months for a phone call. She gets upset and vocalizes this if I say it’s a busy few weeks and won’t let me off the hook, unlike other friends who totally get it. This makes me even less likely to want to talk to her and I end up in this endless loop of feeling guilty for avoiding her but then feeling resentful that she just won’t get the hint.
How would you handle these situations?
PatsyStone
It sounds like you don’t want to go on the trip and you don’t want contact with B. Say no to the trip with A and do not contact B.
Anonymous
Ghost both – JSFAMO
APC
I’d give Friend A a chance. I have friends like this and I suppose since I recently relocated I’m probably a bit like this. I always found it a good sign and something really heartwarming when I wouldn’t see someone for a year but once we were together it was like only minutes had passed. Sounds like you would have fun with her. Also – have you tried emails with her? They’re a little less ‘pay attention to me now’ when compared to calls or texts. She can respond when she has time. I used to have short weekly emails with a small group of friends – it was a few things that were great that week and a few things that weren’t, and we’d keep up with each other. Now I have a regular group of friends that I email and we share articles, funny things, etc. Easier for me – I just don’t like phones that much.
Friend B. Ugh. I have similar friends without the husband part. Honestly at this point in my life I’ve started distancing myself from them. I’m not sure the best strategy if she is so overbearing as to vocalize when you try to take some space. I think maybe just find times to talk to her that you know you have to get off the phone after 15-20 minutes. Like if you’re driving home from work, or have an appointment (or you know, white lies). Less advice here, just good luck…
Anonymous
Agree with the other posters. Give Friend A a chance.
With Friend B, sometimes it is better to at least maintain relationships. Can you appreciate her for being a good person? If you don’t like spending a lot of time with her, maybe just spend less time with her but don’t end friendships unless the person is doing something inherently bad.
Maddie Ross
I’ll be honest here, I’m Friend A. And I know it. I am very wrapped up in my day to day and what is right in front of me, and I am not good at all about making time for old friends. I text them with big news (pregnancy, making partner, moves), but I otherwise can go many, many months without much contact. I try not to ignore their emails/texts, but I am not a good initiator. If you don’t want to include me in your wedding or travel with me as a result, I get it. Sadly, I do. But I promise that I do not like you less than I did – I just am not a great maintainer. We’d probably have a great time, esp. if it’s somewhere you otherwise were interested in going.
Carrots
This is me as well. There are even friends who are local who I’m like this with. Our lives are just separately very busy and hard to intertwine and so it’s very rarely that we connect. But when we do, we need to plan for long periods of times.
Sydney Bristow
Me too. Although my closest friends and I have discussed it and are all on the same page that it works for us.
From my biased view, I’d give friend A a chance. Is the trip one you’d otherwise like to take?
Anonymous
+1
Me too.
And in my circles, this is ok, and part of growing up. Most of us are like this….especially the married ones, though I am single.
I love that I have so many friends that I can call when we cross paths, and we feel like time has barely passed. We don’t judge. Life is too short.
Gail the Goldfish
This is also me. I’m horrible about calling/texting just to chat (I am not by nature a chatty person), but I always make an effort to see someone if I’m in their town, and it’s like no time has passed.
ER
This is me too. And I’m sorry / not sorry. I feel awful that I’m not good at keeping up with people, but I also value living in the moment and being present with people who are….present, rather than on opposite coasts. If this doesn’t work for you, dont go on the trip — doesn’t make sense to invest a lot in a friendship in which the other person has already told you what to expect.
DCR
Me too. I still enjoy them just as much, but suck at staying in touch between trips
lawsuited
If Friend A makes you feel like the most important person in the room and you enjoy spending time with her, you’ll likely really enjoy a trip with her. So I say plan the trip (as long as it’s a trip you’d otherwise want to take or else you’ll feel resentful) with Friend A. It’ll be a lovely memory of your friendship for the times you don’t see each other.
It sounds like you don’t like spending time with or talking to Friend B anymore, so JSFAMO.
Anon
I don’t know — to me the mark of a true friend IS someone that you can not see for months or years and then when you do, it’s like old times and you feel like 10 min has gone by. I realize this isn’t the type of friendship you want, but this is what A is offering. And I think by asking you to go on the trip, she IS saying she DOES want to spend time with you — even if it happens to be to a location she wants to go to, she could have gone by herself or with some other friend but she asked you. If you enjoy the time you spend with her, I wouldn’t drop the friendship and I would go on the trip.
With B — sounds like you just don’t enjoy the time at all and it kind of sounds like a one sided relationship; I’d be more apt to let that one fade away if you feel like you’re getting nothing out of it.
Baconpancakes
I won’t repeat what others have said, but I agree about how it sounds like you enjoy A’s company but not B’s, which is the point of friendships, really. Have you talked to Friend A about how much you don’t like her contact style?
I had a Friend A. She is a “the mark of a true friendship is picking up where you left off when months go by without a word” person. I’m a “if you don’t want to share your life with me we’re not friends.” I talked to my Friend A about it, explained how I felt, and now she texts every once in a while, and I don’t worry if she doesn’t reply to my texts for a couple days.
Another option is to schedule a monthly Skype date. Another friend in another state and I “have coffee” every month or two on Sunday mornings over Skype, maybe 10, 15 minutes, but we show each other our cats and craft projects and I feel pretty connected to her, even though we don’t talk for maybe a month at a time.
ohc
FLEECE TIGHTS.
Ahem. I have a beginner-skincare question. Would it be reasonable to start using retinol at 29? I’m looking mostly to address sun damage and redness.
BabyAssociate
I don’t see why not! I’ve been using it for a couple years now for acne, not every night though, I find it really dries out your skin.
housecounsel
After struggling with retinols, I have found that Renova is a wonder drug. I don’t know if it is recommended for redness, though.
Anonymous
Try using lotion right before or right after. This is what my derm told me to do. And often every other day works just as well, with less irritation.
Anon
Yes, but…know that if you can get your derm to code its use for acne, it will likely be covered by insurance, but if you want it for the reasons you are saying, it will be coded as cosmetic. So unless you are seeing a derm for a medical reason, your doctor’s visit and the Rx will be really expensive because most insurance does not cover cosmetic skin visits or Rxs. Try to get your derm to do a wink, wink, nod nod about this, and even still, your insurance may need an additional letter for Retin-A scripts
Anon
The wink, wink, nod, nod is how I got my prescription. Saves you so much money. The insurance company did ask for some extra verification from the derm, but I think most derms are so used to it that it must be routine practice for them to do any follow-up.
I don’t think 29 is too young, I started early-30’s and I think it’s great (plus, better to prevent than try to reverse aging), but it is very drying, and I have a very “ruddy” face and I don’t think it necessarily helps with redness.
Anonymous
This is bad. It is fraud. You are forcing me to pay for your cosmetics, by raising costs for us all.
There are generic version that are more affordable.
Shame, shame. To you, and your doctors, committing fraud.
Signed,
MD
Edna Mazur
Agree
ck
+1
This annoys me too, as I have lifelong, severe acne and my health insurance specifically excludes covering all retinoids, likely because of the abuse that goes on.
So thanks for ruining it for those of us that really need it.
+1000000
As the person who works in health insurance, this is fraudulent, wasteful, and abusive.
cbackson
+1 as a person who uses retinols for cosmetic purposes and pays the full cost, accepting that this isn’t what health insurance is for.
Anonymous
I use retin-a for anti-aging reasons. I just ask my pcp to write my prescription every year when I get my physical. I pay out of pocket for the generic and it is like $40 a year.
Anonymous
Thank you. This is the way to do it.
Fishie
If you have rosacea, talk to your doc about Soolantra. It changed my life.
LeeB
+1000000000
Meredith Grey
Question, isn’t there something about not using Rentinol when preggers? I’m not, and I know OP didn’t mention, but I thought Derms say not to use until you’re done with pregnancy years… Is this a thing??
AZCPA
I have used them for many years and have never been told this whatsoever. No, they shouldn’t be used during pregnancy, but there’s no reason to avoid them otherwise.
anon
In case your major concerns are sun damage and redness, I would suggest to try creams with 20% azelaic acid. It is Rx in som countries, but OTC in other and safe to use. It helps to clear skin (it kills bacteria and helps remove dead skin cells) and also helps to balance skin tone. It certainly helps to remove redness and discolorations caused by sun damage. It will not help with wrinkles. Azelaic acid is recommended to patients with acne and rosacea.
To prevent wrinkles, I agree with others: Get the prescription for retinoids and pay for the generic. Leave the reimbursment budgets for patients who are in real need (cancer, autoimmune disorders, etc).
Anon2
I just caught up on yesterday’s posts. To the person from NYC meeting Dad’s family in a rural area, I suggest reading Hillbilly Elegy by JD Vance. It’s a memoir from a guy who grew up in working class OH and ended up going to Yale law school. He talks about the different ways of life and thinking. Interesting read.
housecounsel
I am not the person who posted the questions, but I downloaded the book. Thanks for the rec.
boss wants to be BFF
Piggybacking on this morning’s conversation about making friends at work…
My boss is one of those people who needs to have close, personal relationships with her direct reports, like she wants to know everything about our families, our dating lives, and what we think about politics. She also overshares… a lot. Trying to hold back does not work with her. She craves this and it seems to be the only way to have a good relationship with her. But to me, it feels like it could backfire, right? Like she could use some of this against us if she needed to. Not that she would, but she could. It’s like she completely does not acknowledge the imbalance of power and wants us all to be BFFs, but she’s the one who controls our raises and promotions.
It’s so different from other bosses I’ve had who usually were friendly but professional and held back about any personal topics. I am wondering how much to share and hold back to maintain a good relationship with her but still keep things professional. Has anyone else had a boss like this?
Anonymous
Ugh. I would hate this….
Honestly, I would give her some, but hold most cards close to my chest. I would just act a little….boring, and never confide details.
So inappropriate.
lawsuited
I had a boss like this was, although he was a man so hearing the details of his marriage and him expecting me to share details of mine felt awful. I handled it by picking one area of my life (for me, it was my group of undergraduate girlfriends who are all still close but have gone in a lot of different directions career-wise and are doing lots of interesting things) and share details about that and keep the rest to myself. It would work just as well to talk a lot about your crossfit hobby, or your garden renovation, or your grandparents’ health, or whatever, which are unlikely to have any impact on decisions at work, without sharing details of how your spouse is doing at work or what your TTC plans are.
Maddie Ross
This. I totally overshare about house related issues (to the point I’m sure my coworkers think I live in a hovel and that my roof will fall in any minute) and occasionally my dog, and that means I can totally ignore my spouse, my children, my health, my career plans, etc.
ChiLaw
I do this too. I talk about my kid because my colleagues also have kids, and it’s so easy to say “she got paint on the carpet, oof!” or “I am so excited about her halloween costume!” and not actually tell them anything about my inner life.
Baconpancakes
I was going to say this. Pick a safe hobby or interest and talk it up. I talk about cooking. Everyone loves food.
“How was your weekend? Do anything fun?”
“Yes, I went to this amazing mussels place! I’d never had a pumpkin sauce with mussels before, and the bruschetta was this ridiculous ricotta fig mixture that went perfectly with the risotto. And then on Sunday morning we made french toast-” at which point they’ll probably be eager to give you their recipe for french toast and all focus on who you were with or what you did for the other 45 hours of the weekend are forgotten.
Ottawan
A bit ragey, as a mosque, a Unitarian church, and a synagogue have all been defaced in my city in the last 10 days, 2 of them overnight.
Anonymous
Hey fellow Ottawan. I too am horrified by what’s going on.
Ottawan
Did you join the Pantsuit Nation group for Ottawa?
I am dropping flowers and a card off at the mosque this afternoon, as it is just a few blocks from my house. Some of the other PSNC-O members are going to do the same at the United church, and the two synagogues (one this week, and one earlier this election season).
I assume it is all the same person, but want my neighbours to know we are thinking of them, and do not condone this crap.
Aon
It was a stupid teenager and he has now been arrested and charged. There were tons of unity events this weekend – I hope you went out to one. At least we can be comforted that this wasn’t the plot of an adult. Yes, the teen’s behaviour is still concerning and indicative of something, but teen’s are very impressionable and have bad judgment and I can only imagine the thought process after being steeped in Trump’s extremism from afar for over a year.
APC
Hosting my first Thanksgiving this year – will be 6 of us. Any tips? Best things to make ahead of time? Short cuts/strategies for only having one oven? Strategies for my parents and DH’s parents staying with us at the same time, haha?
PatsyStone
There are great slow cooker recipes for lots of classics- I make green bean casserole in mine to save oven space. Buy extra wine.
Thanksgiving tips
You can make most of the vegetables ahead of time and then just re-heat them. In the past, I’ve made stuffing and mashed potatoes the night before, and just put them in to warm while the turkey finished baking about an hour before serving. MAKE SURE YOU THAW THE TURKEY!!! Seriously, those things take a long time to thaw, so put it in the fridge a few days ahead of time. I used Alton Brown’s turkey brine recipe and it was amazing. I made the brine the night before, put the turkey in first thing in the morning, and pulled it out around 2pm to start cooking the turkey for a 6pm dinner.
Also, the desserts can be made this weekend, they’ll keep until Thursday if you put them in an airtight container. That’s an easy way to save oven space and avoid tweaking the temps while the turkey is cooking.
Buy the Swanson’s turkey gravy in the can… it’s delicious :)
I usually steam or saute green beans and carrots on the stove and let them sit on the burner to keep them warm. If you do green bean casserole, you can make that ahead of time and just stick it in the oven to warm while the turkey finishes cooking.
I’ve found that if there’s multiple cooks in the kitchen, assign each person one dish vs. everyone helping with everything. So if you’re doing veggies on the stove, only have one person responsible for those two items on the stove. It gets messy when people are jumping in and you don’t know what step they’re on or which seasonings have been added, etc.
Anonymous
+1 on thawing the turkey. It takes days. If it is frozen, put it in the fridge tomorrow at the latest.
Brined turkey is delicious, but do not brine an ordinary grocery store turkey (Butterball or “self-basting”). These are injected with a salt solution, so brining one will make it too salty.
Baconpancakes
YES! Actually, depending on your turkey size, you might want to start defrosting it right now.
Spirograph
I have Good Eats set to DVR all the time and just watched the turkey episode (originally aired in 1999!) and so badly want to try his brine recipe. Glad to hear you liked it!
I’m not hosting Thanksgiving, so I’ll have to wait…
Anonymous
If you don’t already have your main course, go to the store immediately and order it! No one in my family is a big turkey eater so I went to Publix to casually inquire about salmon. They offered to order it for me and I figured why not. Picked up the Tuesday or Wednesday before and almost all of the seafood was gone.
Miz Swizz
Clean out your fridge, then prepare as much as you can ahead of time. For me, that’s making the cream of mushroom soup, cranberry sauce and chopping everything I can and putting it in containers (onions and celery for the stuffing, cleaning and putting together the onions/celery/carrots for under the turkey) so that on the day of, I’m basically just assembling and keeping an eye on the turkey.
housecounsel
Would you consider ordering out some of the meal? I generally like to cook, but year after year of hosting hordes of in-laws while juggling a full-time job and little kids was making me a not very thankful person. STOP STANDING AROUND THE KITCHEN!!!!!! I now order the turkey and some of the sides from an amazing caterer. I peacefully make the sides I enjoy making and tranferring my catered food onto lovely platters.
My husband and children like me a lot better on holidays now.
housecounsel
Would you consider ordering out some of the meal? I generally like to cook, but year after year of hosting hordes of in-laws while juggling a full-time job and little kids was making me a not very thankful person. STOP STANDING AROUND THE KITCHEN!!!!!! I now order the turkey and some of the sides from an amazing caterer. I peacefully make the sides I enjoy making and tranferring my catered food onto lovely platters.
My husband and children like me a lot better on holidays now.
NY CPA
Put an enormous amount of butter and fresh herbs under the turkey’s skin. It’s what make’s my family’s turkey consistently amazing.
Prep everything you can the day before (i.e. chop all your veggies, make potatoes or at least peel, chop, and stick in a bowl of water in the fridge). Do any baked goods (rolls, pies, etc.) the night before also.
Get dressed and do hair/makeup relatively early. People have a habit of showing up when I’m still trying to get dressed if I wait too long.
Appetizers shouldn’t be anything that requires cooking. Think cheese/salami/crackers, veggies and dip, olives, nuts, etc. Dinner is the main event anyways. No one wants to fill up on appetizers.
Anonymous
If you have never cooked a Thanksgiving dinner before, don’t try to cook everything yourself. Rely on Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods for most of the sides and pick one or two to cook yourself. Prepare everything possible the day before or early in the morning.
Be aware that turkey cooking times can vary a lot, so have some simple no-prep appetizers in case the turkey takes longer than expected.
The turkey needs to rest for a little while after you remove it from the oven and before you carve it. This is when you can stick your sides in the oven to heat up and do any last-minute stovetop cooking. It can take an hour or more for a large dish of mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes to heat up in the oven. You can speed things up by setting the dishes out on the counter to come to room temperature about an hour before you expect the turkey to be done, or by getting the heating started in the microwave.
This is also when you make the gravy. If you haven’t done it before, it is likely to be very stressful. You might want to buy gravy or put your mother or MIL in charge of making the gravy while you watch and learn. If you are determined to make your own gravy without help, cornstarch recipes are much easier and carry less risk of failure than flour-based recipes.
The most important rule of Thanksgiving dinner is that the cook does not have to wash the dishes.
You can do this! I have been cooking Thanksgiving dinner since I was about fifteen years old.
Anonymous
Forgot to mention: Do not put the stuffing inside the turkey! It won’t get hot enough to be safe to eat until the turkey is overdone. Cook it in a casserole dish instead. Get a good instant-read thermometer for the turkey and find a picture on line or in The Joy of Cooking to show you exactly where to stick it.
For six people, you don’t need to have all of the traditional starchy dishes (rolls, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, squash, etc.). I’d make mashed potatoes (for the gravy) and maybe one other starchy dish, two max if you really want to go all out. Cranberry sauce or relish,. Then one vegetable dish or salad that has a fresher texture and perhaps a slightly bitter taste to contrast with the other dishes. Maybe shredded brussels sprouts sauteed or in a salad, or a salad with baby lettuce, pears or dried cranberries, cheese (goat, feta, or blue), toasted walnuts, and balsamic vinaigrette. Green beans would also work if you cook them just crisp-tender, or cold asparagus with mustard sauce. So your menu would be
turkey
gravy
cranberry sauce
mashed potatoes
one or two starchy sides
green veggie dish or salad
dessert
lots and lots of wine
Anomanom
Yep, I cook every year for my family – its usually 6-8 of us and I use a template haha.
Turkey
Green Vegetable
Non Green Vegetable
Sweet Potato Dish
Regular Potato Dish
Stuffing
Gravy
Cranberry Sauce
Rolls
Pumpkin Dessert
Apple Dessert
I like to experiment with the dishes that fill the slots every year, but I just plug into that menu. I feed mostly vegetarians, so everything but the turkey is meat free (including a vegan gravy that the meat eaters can’t tell is vegan).
Anon in NYC
Prepare a schedule, working backwards from when you want to eat dinner. Make as much as you can either the night before (or even earlier – like cranberry sauce. You can make that tomorrow) and reheat it when the turkey comes out of the oven. Prep as much as you can as early as you can (diced onions, chopped carrots, etc).
lawsuited
I make a dessert the day before that doesn’t require heating up (usually cheesecake or tiramisu, but pumpkin pie is more traditional and doesn’t require heating up either). I make all the sides on the stove top (mashed potatoes, brussels sprouts with maple syrup and bacon, cranberry sauce). Meaning that the oven is free for the turkey and seasoning the whole day if it needs it.
Fishie
Buy dessert. Don’t over “appetizer.” Have plenty of booze. Keep it simple.
Meredith Grey
xanax!!! And here is a gold star for you * for tolerating both in laws in your house overnight. You are a better daughter, wife, in-law, woman than I am!!!
NOLA
Keep other people out of your kitchen as much as possible. Have a boozy Thanksgiving – I have a signature cocktail, wine, and pumpkin pudding shots. Figure out cooking time for the turkey in advance, then rotate sides in and out and keep them warm with foil on top. Bake pies or whatever the day before. I make a cranberry/cherry sauce and it’s served cold, so made the day ahead. The hardest part for me is at the end when people are getting drinks and we’re carving the turkey and mashing potatoes and making gravy and too many people. But I’ve rarely had any kind of mishap. I wish I had a space for drinks elsewhere. That would be best! And my turkey is easy peasy. I rub it with olive oil and Tony Chachere’s and put some whole peeled onions in the cavity. Last year’s was picture perfect beautiful. Just make sure it’s thawed and that you reach in and remove all of the stupid little bags of stuff in the cavity (I missed on one year).
housecounsel
Pumpkin pudding shots????? Would you mind elaborating? Thank you!
NOLA
Happy to oblige. My guests loved them. I buy the pumpkin pie pudding from Amazon
http://www.refinery29.com/thanksgiving-jello-shots-drink-recipes#slide
NYNY
Booze in the pie, if you’re making it. Bourbon pecan. Rum pumpkin. You can also spike the whipped cream. BOOM!
Baconpancakes
If you’re an adventurous cook, or just looking for recipes, I loved this: https://food52.com/thanksgiving/menu-genie
Regarding your families, if they’re drinkers, start with a drink. It just makes things go smoother in my family.
No but seriously, decide what the ground rules are and enforce them. (Do we say grace? Go around the table and give thanks? Watch football during dinner?) It’s your house, your Thanksgiving. Don’t let your relatives bully you into doing things their way. Also, if you anticipate being tired of company after a while, pick a bedtime, and announce it ahead of time. Then you and your DH can spend time alone unwinding. If the parents are staying with you all weekend, make sure you get out of the house at some point without them (and not for Black Friday shopping). Taking the family on a walk is also a good idea – getting a little exercise is good for tempers.
Anonymous
Don’t stress. I’ve made Thanksgiving many times and always found it to be pretty simple. You do need to plan a bit and make sure you have everything you need in advance. I’m not a huge planner, so I make my grocery list, shop 2-3 days before, and maybe make dessert the day before, but then I really only figure out when I need to have the turkey in the oven. After that, I map out my schedule for the rest of the dishes.
Buy a fresh turkey (as everyone says, frozen turkeys take forever to thaw and this is where most people get into trouble) and do whatever prep you want to do (I don’t bother brining, just rub skin with oil and salt and pepper, put onions and lemons in the cavity and you’re good to go). Figure out when to put the turkey in the oven and you can pretty much forget about it until it’s done.
Cranberry sauce and dessert can be made ahead of time, make the stuffing separate (cut up bread the day before so it can dry if you like crispy stuffing). You can make some veggies ahead too and a dressing for the salad. Assign other people to help chop vegetables and set the table. If you’re trying anything new or complicated, see if it’s something you can make the day before.
As long as you remember not to include too many things that need the oven, you’ll be fine. Start drinking wine at least an hour before dinner and don’t worry about perfection or amazing anyone. Thanksgiving is about familiar comfort food. In my family we try one or two new dishes a year, but always have the same turkey, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, rolls, stuffing, and mashed potatoes.
Policy activism and STEM
Just want to share some info about scientists and getting involved in government. Depending on your commitment to it, the National Academies Christine Mirzayan Fellowhsip program and the American Association for the Advancement of Science Science and Technology Fellowship program are both excellent programs. They have launched the careers of many scientists-turned Hill staffer or civil servant, including mine for a while. Even if you aren’t interested in moving to DC for a while, the websites of both of the organizations are a great resource for scientists interested in government issues. Another good resource is the policy arm of your relevant professional society. The American Chemical Society is particularly well-funded and active.
Beyond that, and outing myself, I’m starting up a group with AAAS program alumni to address getting STEM folks more involved in local governance. Right now, we’re limiting it to our alumni since we all went through the same policy training, but we will likely open it up more broadly to the STEM community once we get going.
Condo/Apartment/Home Buying!
Ladies, questions re buying a condo/apartment, or home ownership generally. This weekend I am viewing a condo I’m interesting in buying (close to work, great neighborhood, etc.). But – I am totally inexperienced in home buying. What questions should I ask? What should I look for in the place?
How long does the buying process typically last? How do I go about getting an inspection – is that something the realtor organizes, or do I?
For those of you who own a condo, what are the caveats around HOA fees that I should keep in mind?
The condo/apartment is in DC, if that matters.
Condo/Apartment/Home Buying!
And — thanks in advance!!
SellerSide
We’re selling our condo now and the buyer has asked for the last two years of condo board meetings (presumably to see if there a is a special assessment on the horizon). Ask if anything in the condo has been upgraded (AC, e.g). Don’t forget to check the property taxes and what other units in the building have sold for.
I’d also strongly recommend visiting the condo in the evening to see if you get a lot of noise from the neighbors.
SellerSide
Once you agree on a price with the seller you both sign a contract. That contract gives you a short period of time, typically five business days, to have an inspection done. Your realtor will have someone she or he can call, but I strongly recommend you find an inspector through your own connections (ask colleagues and friends who have bought in the last few years who they used). Your realtor will want the deal to go through (realtors are not on your side, they get paid if you buy, not if you get a good deal) and may have an inspector who will soft pedal any problems.
Anonymous
You appear very inexperienced. I did not look at a condo until I already had my list of questions, but that is me. I really recommend reading a book or at least a an article about how to buy a condo. There is a typical sequence of events. Go to Amazon and find a well reviewed 2016 book..
Key things…
Get a lawyer.
Absolutely get an inspections.
Always review the financials of the building, including details about monthly fees, current reserves, current number of units in arrears and ongoing lawsuits, anticipated communal expenses, when the roof/boiler was last replaced etc…
Talk to people living in building re: issues (management, condo board, noise, building quality/issues etc).
Make sure you know what the taxes will be for YOU…. not the disabled elderly prior resident that has had a tax freeze for the last decade.
Do your due diligence as this may be the largest expense of your life!
And consider taking the NYT quiz on whether home ownership makes sense for you, by crunching the numbers. In the end it wasn’t for me.
Anon
Only some states/jx require a lawyer for RE transactions. I would not up and find a lawyer unless your realtor tells you that it’s customary. Also, don’t sign anything committing to any realtor until you’ve interviewed a few. You are a sitting duck–don’t lock yourself into working with the first realtor you meet, especially if it’s the seller’s agent at this open house. Get your own realtor. Even if you waive conflicts, you don’t want someone whose commission is dependent on getting a deal tone and placating both sides–you want someone who represents you first and foremost. Good luck.
Bonnie
I’ve never used a lawyer for RE transactions and it’s certainly not the norm in D.C. Having a good realtor is key. Ours not only worked out the deal, but helped us make the best decision for us, gave us recs for inspections etc.
Emmer
I could try to answer these questions (I bought in DC last year) but honestly the answers are so dependent on the individual that it’s not worth much. You need a realtor you trust to guide you through the process as a first-timer, IMO (not a lawyer…I’m not sure why you’d need a lawyer unless there are complicated lien issues or something).
MB
I see that someone mentioned a lawyer, I don’t think that is necessary in DC, but check with your real estate agent. I know that in VA a lawyer is not required nor is it customary.
(1) Find a real estate agent you like and trust, preferably via personal recommendation. Have the real estate agent run you through all of the paperwork involved in making an offer BEFORE you are ready to make an offer. You want to know and understand what you are signing before you feel the stress of making an offer. Plus, you will like have to e-sign it, so it will go much quicker if you already know what the documents say. Also, you should have your real estate agent walk you through the whole process (offer, negotiation, acceptance, earnest money deposit, walking away and how you can and still get your EMD back, home inspection – the customary time period for the DC market, what the process is to negotiate with the seller if the inspection comes back with something you don’t like, your ability to walk away after the home inspection, etc.)
(2) Find a loan officer/lender that you like and trust, preferably via personal recommendation. You will need to submit a preapproval letter with your offer (at least that is customary and often required in VA, so I assume it’s similar in DC). Ask your loan officer to run you through the whole process, from pre-approval, to loan application, to closing. You don’t want make any major financial moves between when your offer is accepted (and preferably from when you start looking) to close. Don’t buy a car, don’t make a major payoff on a loan, etc. It all changes your profile and will show up when the lender does a soft pull 5 – 7 days before closing.
(3) Ask the loan officer to give you a list of the documentation that you will need to provide as part of your loan application. This can be a pain to compile based on your circumstances, and the sooner you get started, the easier the process will be once you make an offer on a home.
(4) Get the loan officer the documentation they need to prepare a preapproval letter. Sometimes, seller’s agents will want to see that before they will allows showings. You will need one to submit with your offer. I recommend that you have your loan officer prepare the preapproval letter for the exact amount that you are offering. It can easily be redrafted if you negotiate and up your offer.
I rushed through this, so apologies if it’s a bit jumbled, gotta run to a meeting!
Anonymous
1. Get a good realtor. They know all these things.
2. Ask why they are selling. Visit the neighborhood at various times of the day/week. What is the rush hour commute like?
3. Look for what you want. In a condo, look for storage. So many condos have none and it’s a pain. Do you want in-unit laundry? A dishwasher? 2 bedrooms? A 2nd bath or powder room? A doorman? A pool? Parking? Gas stove?
4. Buying process can take a few weeks or a few months. It depends on the market and how aggressive you are willing to be. Once a seller accept your offer, closing is within 3-6 weeks.
5. The realtor will set up inspections. The realtor can also recommend tradespeople to do repairs or remodeling once you buy the condo.
6. HOA fees: before judging whether the HOA fee is too high, get a list of what is included in the HOA fees. Mine includes Internet! Many include garbage, gas, sewer, water, and various other small utilities. If your building has a pool, that is part of the HOA. Your realtor and mortgage broker will be able to tell you if the HOA is being well managed or if you should expect special assessments. I prefer a larger monthly HOA with less chance of special assessments. My HOA is established and has a professional manager–major pluses!
Julia
Also, feel free to talk to several lenders about what they can offer. Be up front and let them know you are comparing, and then pick one. Consider whether you want that lender to lock in an interest rate before the closing date.
rosie
Get a realtor you trust. Are you going to pay cash? If not, talk to a lender and get a letter of pre-approval or whatever it’s called. Find out how often there are special assessments on top of the regular condo fees, and if there are special assessments. If you make it to this step, plan to be there for the inspection (we weren’t because of timing, and I regret it).
Also, I’m not sure what the election is going to mean for the DC market. Just something to consider & maybe try to do a little research.
CMT
Take a home buying class. There are tons of them. You sound like you’d benefit from one.
Lillers
I had my own realtor who was very experienced in the condo market. She asked a lot of questions I didn’t even have on my list, which included:
– How much are in the building’s reserve funds in case of emergency repairs?
– How many special assessments have happened over the past 5 years? What were they for? How often have the assessments increased?
– Are there any restrictions on rentals (in case you wanted to rent yours out one day as income property)? Does the building allow short-term rentals such as Air BnB (mine doesn’t and considers it a safety issue).
– What is included in the assessment (landscaping, snow removal/de-icing, parking maintenance)? Are there any on-site workers full-time or are you required to call someone for building issues?
Generally when you put in your offer, your realtor will write up the paperwork, which will likely include a contingency for funding and for the inspection. You can provide a preapproval letter to the sellers as well as earnest money (which is required in some states), so bring your checkbook. The sellers have a certain amount of time to get back to you. Once you agree on a price, you have a window to get a home inspection. Find your own (you can use Yelp or Angie’s List). You probably will have to take some time off work, as they will only do inspections during the day because they do an outside assessment too. Mine was $500 for a condo in a M-HCOL area.
In terms of the property, know what you want but be open to looking at things which check most of your boxes. Some things to consider include in-unit laundry, dishwasher, central AC, closet space (particularly for coats/jackets), kitchen storage, carpet/hardwood preference, parking, security (how many locked doors before your door, where are the mail/packages kept, window locks, neighborhood/building lighting), etc. Go visit the property during the day and at night to get a sense of the neighborhood and the noise levels (your neighbors and the outside/ambient noise).
Best of luck and have a ton of fun!
Anon
Agree with most of the above….just a story I’ll share
When I lived in Chicago, I found THE.MOST.AMAZING condo on Michigan Avenue. I loved everything about it and its location. I both paid to have it inspected and then also had my brother (in construction) come take a look. I was ready to sign on the dotted line. During one last visit, I was sitting in the lobby of the building and happened to pick up the newsletter for the building, where I saw the plans for new construction next door, which would have cut off nearly all my natural light and put me in a construction zone for the next several years. NO. THANKS.
Sellers don’t have to disclose much. Ask a lot of questions. Who owns that park/open land across the street? Will anything happen to my view? Have you had water? Have you had to pay a special assessment? What’s the Board like? Why are you moving? How are your neighbors? the chattier you sound when asking these questions the better you’ll be.
Policy activism and STEM
Just want to share some info about scientists and getting involved in government. Depending on your commitment to it, the National Academies Christine Mirzayan Fellowhsip program and the American Association for the Advancement of Science Science and Technology Fellowship program are both excellent programs. They have launched the careers of many scientists-turned Hill staffer or civil servant, including mine for a while. Even if you aren’t interested in moving to DC for a while, the webs1t3s of both of the organizations are a great resource for scientists interested in government issues. Another good resource is the policy arm of your relevant professional society. The American Chemical Society is particularly well-funded and active.
Beyond that, and outing myself, I’m starting up a group with AAAS program alumni to address getting STEM folks more involved in local governance. Right now, we’re limiting it to our alumni since we all went through the same policy training, but we will likely open it up more broadly to the STEM community once we get going.
Anonymous
I always wanted to apply for those fellowships but just couldn’t afford it financially. I’ve tried to listen in to the free webinars AAAS sponsors though when possible. They’re running a series on how the election will impact science for the next few months which as been interesting so far.
Policy activism and STEM
Since this is anonymous, can you tell me your target income? The executive branch fellowships are paid by the government, not the sponsoring society. They have the ability to increase pay in accordance with your current salary if it is some percentage more than the standard stipend. You can contact AAAS for more details, but it’s a possibility.
If Trump keeps to his statement about capping Federal salaries at $100K, this won’t matter much. But it’s something to look into.
Anonymous
This was back when I was in grad school ~10 years ago. I can’t remember the exact details, but at the time the AAAS fellowships at least weren’t a full year and had a stipend instead of salary. It definitely wasn’t enough to move and live on (like even less that my teeny tiny grad school stipend). Glad to hear that has changed though.
Making friends in new city
I moved from NYC to Ct in May. Just started a new job (yay) but having a hard time meeting people. I tried 2 meetup.com groups and the woman were friendly but it seems they only get together at meetup functions, not on their own. Any ideas would be helpful. I’m 50, in case that matters :-)
Anonymous
Here are the places I have met folks…
My public library based cooking club.
Unitarian church (I’m atheist).
The gym, local YMCA classes, and the free outdoor community tennis courts.
My neighbors.
People who walk their dogs.
Places I volunteer – local hospital, political organizations etc…
Friends of friends. When I move to a new place, I send an email to friends with my new city address, and mention that if anyone has friends they think I should meet in New Ciry, let me know…. as I’m looking for local recs for things.
I'm Just Me ...
Public library based cooking club?
Do tell, and sign me up!
Anonymous
The community I live in has amazing public libraries. There are weekly book groups, free concerts/lectures/movies, language learning groups, free classes on computer/software skills and job searching techniques and more.
But my favorite is a simple “cooking club”.
One of the librarians chooses a cookbook for that month, and reserves a bunch of copies she collects from all the libraries in the state. She chooses a representative recipe for that month to try, and everyone chooses a recipe of their own to make and bring for a pot luck get together one Saturday a month. The librarian gives a little presentation about the cookbook author while we are eating, drawing from online articles/videos. And we all talk about what recipes we tried and what we like/dislike and why. We even give the cookbook a rating/review that the librarian posts somewhere online….
And we eat such great stuff!!!!!
We also talk casually about various food events, new publications, other things we like related to food (new gadgets, deals, restaurants etc..). People bring in things to give to each other…. “we have too many salad spinners…. who wants one?”.
Just a nice, happy time. Who isn’t happy when they are eating?
I'm Just Me ...
Thank you so much for describing that. It sounds great. I recently met the head of our county library programming and I’m going to suggest this to her.
Fixer Upper
Does anyone have good recommendations on flooring? I am thinking of renovating a basement unit that is going to be a rental (I will never live in it). Was thinking some kind of laminate flooring. (Maybe carpet in the bedrooms for warmth). Also, need new bathroom flooring – any recommendations? Tile seems like the best option but also most expensive. I have to strike some balance between how much I spend and how much I can expect to recoup in higher rents with a new tenant. (the unit is currently vacant and it is gross and needs a reno. Formerly housed a hoarder tenant.)
Scott McGillivray, where are you when I need you? :)
Anonymous
Not sure where you are, but how sure are you that you’re not getting water in your basement? I had a sump pump go out (in a hilly area) after torrential rains and power going out and it was very easy to shop-vac up a non-carpeted basement.
Basement floors are cold. I’m not pro-carpet, but I’d almost do it just for noise reduction and non-freezing floors and just tile / vinyl tile the bath/kitchen. If it were for me, I’d use linoleum everywhere in some sort of non-pattern and then area rugs. Basements are hard to make nice unless it’s a daylight basement and you live somewhere where you know water won’t be seeping in or even making everything musty.
I bought a raised ranch with an in-law apartment in the basement that wouldn’t fly today but was OK 30 years ago. It is very, very basic.
Anonymous
Along these lines, laminate is not waterproof. If you leave puddles of water on the floor, it will seep between the boards, soak in, and cause them to swell. We have it in two bathrooms and even though we are vigilant about wiping up drips, there has been some damage. You can also damage it by mopping it with the wrong type of cleaner. I wouldn’t put it in a basement that would be damp or at risk of flooding, and I wouldn’t trust a tenant with it.
Fixer Upper
Seems like VCT in the kitchen and carpet in the living/bedrooms is the way to go. I recently saw a blog post where someone did a kitchen makeover with VCT and it looked great. I think I found it via apartment theory.
Fixer Upper
apartment therapy, that is
Fixer Upper
http://www.theartofdoingstuff.com/my-kitchen-the-reveal/
lawsuited
Laminate is the worst flooring for a basement because it cannot handle any water whatsoever, and if you ever have a flood it’s most likely to be in the basement. Carpet will get stained easily by tenants so will require replacing frequently. I’d do engineered hardwood (a bit cheaper that solid hardwood) in the living area and bedrooms, and tile in the kitchen and bathroom as they are the most hard-wearing. Although these may be more expensive than laminate or carpet, it’s likely a small area of flooring (as opposed to the whole house).
Wehaf
Vinyl plank flooring. Looks great (there are some kinds that look just like hardwood floors), easy to care for, inexpensive, comfortable underfoot, not cold.
http://www.ana-white.com/2013/07/momplex/finishing-vinyl-plank-flooring
Fixer Upper
Never heard of this, but it looks pretty cool. Will look into it.
June
+1 for vinyl planks
I replaced laminate with vinyl planks in my rental and liked it so much I put vinyl planks upstairs in my primary residence too. The vinyl planks I used have an anti-microbial cork underlayer that keeps it from sounding hollow when you walk on it, and water won’t hurt vinyl,like it will ruin laminate. Also, the vinyl planks had an aluminum oxide coating on top, and it won’t scratch like hardwood would from my dog’s nails ( I.e. When she dig she her way under the bed).
Anonymous
We just put this in our basement and we get compliments on it all the time. Plus it’s virtually indestructible, our dog runs all over it and no scratches or any signs of damage at all (contrast that with the wood floors on our main floor that are totally torn up)!
Viva Las Megas
I use a vinyl product called Allure for similar spaces in my rental units. You can install yourself easily if you are so inclined. Durable. Lifetime warranty. Inexpensive. Home Depot.
Bonnie
No carpet in the basement. If you want that look, there are carpet tiles designed for basements but they are pretty expensive.
Ranjani
Our basement has a subfloor layer called DRIcore that essentially allows airflow under your flooring, which helps dampness dry up before it reaches the top layer. It also makes your floor warmer. We have carpet on top of that. DRIcore is expensive but we felt it was worth it, and it definitely helped protect our carpet when we had a leak last year. We also run a dehumidifier for many months of the year to keep things dry and protect the carpet. It’s worked out well so far.
Brunchaholic
Do any long-legged ‘rettes have some suggestion for brands for solid non-suiting pants for work? Especially of a solid weight material. I have a few pairs of the BR sloan pants which I love, but I hate that they are cropped (and honestly I think the length looks ridiculous on me although they otherwise fit well).
For those that end up having to size up and tailor down for this, is it a particularly pricey alteration? It just feels weird to me to buy pants where the length works but they overall are huge everywhere else in the hopes of altering the pants … everywhere.
Thanks!!
Anonymous
Do not size for pant length. You size for your rear/hips, take in waist and hem pants if needed. If you don’t like cropped lengths, try tall lengths for “ankle” pants or stick with straight/slight wide leg.
It costs me 30-40$ to hem and take I waist.
No, you never buy pants that you have to tailor everywhere.
Maybe make a personal stylist appointment at Nordstrom to get some advice.
How tall are you?
Anonymous
I love the BR non-sloan pants. They come in talls (I am petite, but longer-legged and buy non-petite pants from BR). The Logan? It’s the one with straight, non-cropped legs.
housecounsel
Another vote for the Logan.
MJ
I am a long-legged ‘r*tte.
Pants:
–some Ralph Lauren lines have unhemmed or very long-cut pants. Ditto for Facconable, which is carried at Nordstrom, primarily.
–some Theory and Reiss and Zara Woman (their higher-end line) pants are cut long
–JCrew
–Boden, Pure Cashmere (they have some long pants)
–Talbots
–LongTallSally
If you have tiny legs but a comparatively larger waist, buy for the waist and have them tailored down the inseam or outseam (your tailor will tell you which one). Do not go to your average dry-cleaner that does your hemming for this–find a real suiting tailor that knows how pants should fall. Alternately, bring your favorite pair to Asia and have that pair duped. It’s worth it, if you’re already there.
–Yours in 35″ bird legs, with a 14/16 waist
MJ
I am a long-legged ‘rette.
Pants:
–some Ralph Lauren lines have unhemmed or very long-cut pants. Ditto for Facconable, which is carried at Nordstrom, primarily.
–some Theory and Reiss and Zara Woman (their higher-end line) pants are cut long
–JCrew
–Boden, Pure Cashmere (they have some long pants)
–Talbots
–LongTallSally
If you have tiny legs but a comparatively larger waist, buy for the waist and have them tailored down the inseam or outseam (your tailor will tell you which one). Do not go to your average dry-cleaner that does your hemming for this–find a real suiting tailor that knows how pants should fall. Alternately, bring your favorite pair to Asia and have that pair duped. It’s worth it, if you’re already there.
–Yours in 35″ bird legs, with a 14/16 waist
Lillers
I am 5’9″ with long legs and always have a hard time with pants. I really like Theory and Reiss. Ann Taylor’s tall pants are also really long. If you have a bit more to spend, I find generally that more expensive/designer pants have more room in the seam to let out as well.
Anonymous
+1 to Theory. I am 5’8″ and I regularly wear 2-3″ heels.
Laura
I’m a slender pear, and have had good luck with some of the Express Columnist pants (though different colors fit differently for me). I think I got the rec from this s!te!
Anonymous
Sizing suggestions on these? I am a 6/8 and that puts me either at a small or a medium. Any thoughts ladies? Would these be too baggy if I chose the bigger size?
Gender roles
Going off the gender roles/marriage issues post this morning, I’m curious what others here look for in terms of “masculine” qualities. As a feminist, I embrae the idea that everyone can and should be however they want and that man aren’t “lesser” for not being into stereotypically manly things, but at the same time, I’ll admit that I find it much more attractive when a man is tall, broad-shouldered, strong, and capable around the house/handy with fixing things. Intellectuals are my type, but it’s important for there to be a manly side of things as well. Is anyone else in the same boat and have you ever seriously dated someone who didn’t really match the level of masculinity that you prefer?
Anonymous
I think there is a difference between liking and appreciating a person for who he is and being attracted to him as a partner. I don’t know how much control you have over what qualities you find attractive.
Cat
+1, and I married the “tall, broad-shouldered, strong, and capable around the house/handy with fixing things” guy… who also happens to be a fantastic cook.
Cb
That’s really interesting. My husband isn’t a stereotypical manly man – he’s neutral on sports, was horrified by the prospect of strip clubs from the earlier discussion, changed his name, has no qualms about doing something that seems stereotypically feminine (carrying my hot pink gym bag, cuddling babies) but he has quite definite idea of what it means to be a man – a proper man looks after his wife (physically and emotionally). Someone was teasing him about doing something for me and he said “but I’m the husband, I take care of my wife”
His parents were fairly stereotypical and his half brother is shockingly traditional but then his mom left his dad and he spent his teenage years with his mom and her female partner so I think that influenced him?
I thought I liked gruff and bulky but realise that I’m much more attracted to an equal partner.
Emmy See
Being horrified by strip clubs may not be locker-room-macho, but ideal manliness requires both respect for women and s*xual self-discipline. So I’d count that as a point in favor of his manliness. :)
Anon
I am attracted to someone who I feel is my equal intellectually and emotionally. I’m not interested in a guy who won’t do the laundry or gets upset if I make more money. I need someone who will be sad with me and consider my viewpoint as equally valid as his in our partnership. I have no interest in helping him feel more manly or catering to his fragile ego (nor do I expect him to do that for me).
I get that everyone’s marriage is their own, and more power to you if traditional gender roles work for you. But I’m not about to make Thanksgiving dinner for all your family while you sit and watch football. I enjoy football too, so you better be in the kitchen with me, cleaning up dishes with me, so we can ALL get to the game faster.
Physically, I do like a masculine look though. I’m not into tall and lanky – show me bulk!, and I enjoy hair on the chest and as a five o’clock shadow. But all the rest better be there, or my proverbial D gets soft pretty quickly.
Emmy See
After a string of crushes on ruggers and ROTC boys, I married an artist who doesn’t care about sports. But it doesn’t feel at all like he’s less masculine–his masculinity just shows in less stereotypical ways. For instance, he does most of the cooking, and it feels like a subtype of providing for me.
Also he has a wonderful beard. :)
lawsuited
My husband has the only “masculine” trait that matter to me – being able to fix things around the house. I have no use for physical protection, sports prowess, etc. so I do not value those highly in men I have dated. I do happen to be attracted to men with glasses because I (incorrectly, of course) assume they will be knowledgeable and interesting to talk to :P
Gender roles
Oh yeah, my husband is NOT into sports and I’m glad for it. I really don’t like fratty guys at all; strong and silent types are much more my speed and he’s perfect for that :)
Anon
Physically, I am attracted to big, tall, strong guys. I really like feeling protected in that way. I am otherwise a fiercely independent litigator who, as my most favorite client ever said, “spits fire.” So my husband is a foot taller than me and outweighs me by about 75 pounds. BUT he is also my intellectual equal, an excellent handy-man and car mechanic, AND will fold laundry, clean the house, and cook dinner. He also was a stay-at-home dad (well he worked from home on a part-time, contract basis as an engineer) when our children were babies up until our youngest started kindergarten. So I feel like I have the best of both worlds with him.
Baconpancakes
Yep. I was raised on a steady diet of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and assumed any man I ended up with would be able to run a farm and stand 6’2″. My SO is only 5’7″ and the only similarities he has to Adam Pontipee are the beard and an collection of plaid shirts. I dated a couple Marines and Army men in my day, and realized that intelligence, wit, ambition, and quirkiness were more important to me than those lovely broad shoulders and a familiarity with weapons. I’ve always been really handy with tools, I dislike most organized sports, and I really appreciate that my SO’s lack of macho means he automatically assumes I am 100% his equal, in all my bossy, opinionated glory, so our relationship works really well for us.
Anonymous
I love this answer so much, and the film too, despite the horrifying gender issues. I wanted to marry Benjamin, but only if he could also jump the ax handle.
Anononope
In men, I like a rugged (big! hairy! bearded! flannel! bad at fashion! normcore!) look. I am actually a little put off by a man who “wears a suit well.” I don’t like a highly-polished look, I guess.
But personality-wise, I think the two things that are the most attractive to me is working hard / taking pride the things you do, and being excited about and engaged with the world. (I guess as a bi person, there are just personality traits I like in people, not really “manliness” things — the woman I was the most smitten with ever had those traits too. And also, actually, a bit of an unpolished, rugged look.)
Anonshmanon
Weirdly, the thing I have noticed is that I don’t feel attracted to men with long hair. The rest doesn’t seem to matter. DH lacks so many stereotypical manly traits that he was bullied in school but has been able to be who he is, and I love him that way.
Help with IBD
We found out yesterday that our son (5 years old) has Crohn’s Disease. It has been a whirlwind month of tests (labs, CT, procedures under general anesthesia) and appointments. I am relieved to know what is going on and hopeful that we will be able to get him into remission. I also feel like I have been hit by a truck.
I would love to hear from any of you who have IBD on good resources, or anyone who was diagnosed with a chronic illness at a young age. I want to take care of my son physically but also make sure we are taking care of the emotional aspects of the testing and diagnosis, not to mention the upcoming treatment of his illness. Basically, I’ll take any help or advice anyone has.
Blonde Lawyer
Hi! There are a bunch of us here with IBD and we have an email chain. We aren’t that active recently but that’s because we have been in relatively good health I think. You can reach me at projectmundaneart at gmail. I was sick from 13 – 23 before I got a diagnosis. I was on meds but not totally in remission for quite a few more years until I was able to isolate some food intolerance issues. Not everyone with IBD responds to the same food changes. For me though, I finally reached remission when I cut out all gluten and all dairy.
For lifestyle stuff, you need to think about bathroom access when planning ahead for things. Get an aisle seat near the restroom on a plane for example. You gotta move quick sometimes. However, let your son guide you in what risks he feels comfortable taking. On a good day, I’m happy to go on a long hike without a proper bathroom. I might not go on a boat with 20 coworkers with no bathroom because if disaster struck, it would be mortifying. I might do it with family or friends where I wouldn’t be too embarrassed to say “hey we have to turn around.”
You might need to do some work with the school to ensure easy bathroom access. Even though I wasn’t formally diagnosed yet, many of my teachers let me come and go without raising my hand and signing in and out. It made it a lot less embarrassing. After lunch, I might have to excuse myself 3 times from the same class. Imodium can help in an emergency, if your doc says it is okay. (It’s not for people with blockages.
Through trial and error you might find other things that work for your family, with your doc’s supervision. Usually in a flare the go to is steroids first. I get a lot of side effects. I found bowel rest works best for me. I go on a liquid diet for a few days followed by a soft diet for a few days and I’ve avoided stronger meds many times this way.
Getting a diagnosis is often the hardest part. At least that part is now behind you.
Blonde Lawyer
For other resources:
-check out the CCFA and join your local chapter
– the webpage healingwell dot com was really useful to me in my early days with the disease. They have a great forum where you can post questions and get answers and support from other patients. I learned more there than I did from my own docs.
Lillers
I do a lot of volunteer/activism work in the IBD community. Hugs!! That is a difficult diagnosis to get. There is no cure, but please know the treatments available can work really well.
Work with his school to develop a plan that allows him to use the bathroom as he needs to. A lot of research has shown education on IBD can decrease the stigma from peers, so if he is comfortable, give him some information he can share with his friends – “I have a disease that makes my tummy hurt so I have to go to the bathroom. I can still play games with you guys and have fun though!” There are also special camps called Camp Oasis which are summer camps specifically for children with IBD – it might help him to cope as he gets older to connect with peers like him.
I think the most important thing is to find a pediatric gastroenterologist who has a specific interest in IBD. You can generally find one at any academic medical center. Not all GIs treat IBD and not all of the ones that do stay fully up-to-date on it. It’s a really specialized area and it will help you and your son to find someone who is truly an IBD expert. Ask around in your area and do some research.
You seem like such a good and caring mom – your son is lucky to have you as his advocate. I would encourage you to include him in medical decision-making/discussions when you feel it’s appropriate because it goes a long way in helping him understand and manage his disease. Best of luck with this difficult diagnosis – hugs again!
Wildkitten
The Crohns and Colitis foundation.
Anon
I am panicking about my government employment conundrum: currently interning at Agency A, doing work I love and really like my boss/coworkers/long-term work prospects here. They want to extend my internship and then convert me to a normal employee when I finish my graduate program in a year, but have been slow to get the actual paperwork done and with political uncertainties and hiring freezes there could be issues in a year when they try to convert me. So I interviewed with Agency B, doing similar and related work that I’m well qualified for but less passionate about, but that would be a normal full-time position with all the associated job security and benefits. School is not a barrier, I am at a stage where I can be flexible and fit the remaining parts around a full-time job, which would maybe push completing everything out by a few months but nothing major.
So do I gamble on the stars aligning perfectly that in a year I’ll be in a job I want, or do I take the safe option for now and hope to circle back to where I want to be in a few years?
MJ
I would take a bird in hand. ONe of my law school classmates lost a job that was to convert from temp to perm during the Furlough. Truthfully, her career has never fully recovered. She believed the foot-dragging agency that kept telling her things were taking a little while…and then in May, she didn’t have a job. It was not ideal, and, like I said, meant she was not able to get a government job later, because hiring was so strict and she was no longer in school, so she was ineligible for many agencies because they only hired right out of school. I felt terrible for her. Please know that sometimes a sure bet is better than speculative promises of a job. You may be able to transfer when your foot is in the door, but it’s hard to get in the door. Good luck!
ALX emily
Agreed. I would not take my chances with an upcoming hiring freeze!
TBK
Yep. Also, if it’s the federal government, it is so much easier to move around once you’re in. It’s getting in in the first place that’s the hardest.
Emmy See
+1 to this! I work for the feds, and my center director says all incoming presidents promise hiring freezes, and they always go away eventually. So I’d say take the bird in the hand and then swing back to the other position when you can.
Anon
Ugh, I wish people would stop telling students this. It is NOT that easy to move around within government. It’s very easy to get painted as (for example) a “Defense” person and become essentially trapped there.
Signed,
Someone who never wanted to work in Defense, but was told it’d be “easy to move once you’re in,” and is now facing starting over in entirely new fields or being stuck here forever.
But, If you don’t think you’ll come to feel the same resentment toward Agency B, then yes, do that. Hiring freezes can put aspirations on hold for years and if you’re committed to federal service, miss the hiring window, and enter later, you’ll be exponentially behind peers who started before the freeze, because during the freeze they’ll promote every idiot because they’re the only options.
Bonnie
+1 Everyone seems to believe that the feds will be going into a hiring freeze so I’d take the job now.
Anon OP
Ugh. I knew this would be the answer. Such a bummer to finally get to a good job I really enjoy and reality snatching it away.
Miz Swizz
Any suggestions for tunic-length tops to wear with leggings? I’m looking for something I can wear on the weekends for running errands that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen in should I run into someone I know professionally.
housecounsel
I have some sweatshirt dresses from Athleta that I wear over leggings. Also, check out the dirt cheap (wait for the 40% off sales) Supersoft tunics from Lou & Grey, available at Loft. And you now know my work-from-home uniform.
Delta Dawn
H&M has some long tee shirts that I love for this. The tag says “Divided,” and on the website they are called “Long T-shirt.” They come in several colors and are 9.99 each (so, not super high quality, but I love them). I got five in different colors. And I’m wearing one today!
rosie
I am a fan of the brand LOLE for tunics. You can find on Zappos, at REI, and also buy directly from their website.
housecounsel
Yes, the Lole Veronica!
Laura
Loft has some long tunic tops that work well with leggings.
arghhhhhhhhh
My manager keeps asking me questions I don’t know the answer to – where is this, who is the contact for this, whats the status on this – because the person who is in charge of all that was recently let go. I’m actually working with a different group now, so she is not even my boss right now. I don’t know if she forgets that I’ve answered these, or doesn’t care, or what it is.
Anonymous
Any advice for dealing with a toxic work environment? I can’t afford to leave and my contract is up in April. I am so bitter and resentful of the way the senior people on my team micromanage me to death, essentially treating me like a little kid or high school intern. Some days I feel like I’m going to snap. I’m actively looking for new work but in the meantime it’s hard to feel engaged in my job when I dread coming here every day.
Anonymous
Get outside once a day. Lunch. Or a brisk walk.
Exercise, for the stress relief.
Get enough sleep.
Consider therapy. I’m serious.
Sarah
Love the comments above!
Also, plan a vacation.
Sydney Bristow
+ a gazillion on getting out once a day. For me, taking my lunch down to a nearby park or even just a walk around in the middle of the day really helped.
H
+1. If you feel yourself about to snap, walk away.
Emmy See
Do you have an EAP? Maybe seeing a counselor could help, even just once to recommend stress-management techniques.
lawsuited
If you already know you’re leaving in April, start taking your lunch break every day, and leave at 5 everyday. Plan weeknight dinner dates and coffee dates and movie dates and gym dates and all the other kinds of dates you can think off so that you have things to look forward to most days.
And consider therapy. It may help you reframe your thinking so that you don’t unwittingly take the crazy of your workplace personally.
Meredith Grey
And to add on to the therapy comments, find a therapist you can walk to from your office and schedule appointments in the middle of the day! I love thinking my stooopid job is paying me for my time in therapy! I get a kick out of it!
Anonymous
Also consider “snapping”.. if there is a way to do it that allows you to voice your frustration, give the person a face saving way out and/or doesn’t result in political repercussions. There may be some middle ground between accepting it all and flipping out totally. Unfortunately, I sometimes think I accept too much though I’ve earned the right to push back.
OP
Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice. I needed it after a really bad day.
Baconpancakes
If you can find the humor in it at all, consider an anonymous twitter account where you describe the ridiculousness of it all. It helps with perspective and blows off steam without hurting your standing.
Anonymous
This is very risky, especially if you’re in a field like law or consulting where you owe a duty of confidentiality to clients. You’re often not as anonymous as you think (look at David Lat who started Above the Law anonymously and was eventually outed and fired).
AnonyMom
Prioritizing doing what you need to take care of yourself first.
Also, remind youself it’s not your fault. I worked for a horrible bully, and I took everything very personally. Ultimately, the whole workplace blew up, and I learned from other colleagues that they totally agreed our boss singled me out for her viciousness. I had thought it was me being oversensitive all along or me deserving it, but it wasn’t. It was really, really meaningful to get outside confirmation of this.
ChiLaw
This is so hard. I wish I had been in therapy when I was on a particularly toxic team in BigLaw. One thing that I’ve been working on (using CBT) is how I can build up stronger defenses to toxicity. (I want to underscore that this suggestion in NO way means that it’s your fault. The sad truth is that you probably won’t be able to change this crappy situation, but you can hopefully change how much it gets under your skin.)
Do you have a colleague who can be your in-the-trenches buddy? In that phase of my life I hung out with the smokers, even though I didn’t smoke, because stepping outside a few times a day with silly, good people really helped.
ITDS
What are everyone’s plans for dealing with political opposites at the Thanksgiving table? My folks are Bernie bros who eventually voted for Hillary, the in laws have Fox news on in their kitchen 24/7 and voted for Trump. Both side are similar suburban upper middle class retired Feds outside of DC, so they will all think that everyone at the table agrees with them! I THINK everyone will be polite to each other, but am considering whether a humorous “no politics/policy/world affairs beyond this point” sign on the front door would be a cheerful way of averting that awkward moment when someone makes a pronouncement on those subjects and looks around the table expecting complete agreement, only to be met with horror and then a “discussion” of why they’re wrong.
cbackson
IDK, can you just tell your parents, HEY. The in-laws voted for Trump. No politics at the table. And have your spouse do the same with the in-laws? That lets you get rid of the weird moment when each family realizes that the other family wasn’t on the same side in the election.
Sydney Bristow
This is what my husband and I did before our parents met. It worked pretty well.
booze
or no booze depending on what kind of drunks your guests are.
TBK
When you say “outside of DC” do you mean in the DC metro area, or like far outside DC? Because I’m in the DC area and I feel like people are far, far, far more tolerant of the “other” than they are elsewhere. Mostly because we all know people on both sides.
ITDS
DC suburbs – very blue county.
TBK
Of the people in my FB feed saying there are no “good” Trump voters, only one lives in the DC area and he’s a recent arrival. Of the people saying “let’s treat each other with kindness and empathy,” 80% of them live in the DC suburbs. So I think it might go better than you expect.
eh
I’m in the DC area, and my DC friends (99% Dems or Independents) aren’t really pulling any punches on FB about Trump. The one person who was being “let’s all get along” about it expressly retracted that a few days ago.
Anonymous
And the “other” you mostly get in the inner DC suburbs is typically not exactly a Trump Republican… though I suppose more will be now.
(FWIW, from the DC area, my parents did not work for the government – we did not know many of those on the other side.)
EM
I’d warn any siblings or other family members (not parents) outright. And be prepared that they might refuse to come. My sister’s SO and my brother supported Trump, but no one else did. (Sister was not happy with SO over the matter.) Anyway, my parents–who despise Trump–will be happy sitting down to a meal with their children. I, on the other hand, need to be restrained from lunging across the table and strangling my brother, never mind the poor SO.
Bro and I aren’t speaking.
Anon
I just found out today by BIL voted for Trump and I just can’t.
EM
The link to this tweet shows exactly why I can’t stomach a Trump voter at my Thanksgiving Day table.
https://twitter.com/Anon_OMouse/status/799938226974650368
Shopaholic
I’m unreasonably mad at my sister for saying HRC was just as bad as Trump. I almost got into an argument with a colleague yesterday with the same argument (I’m getting really sick of the “crooked Hillary” narrative.
I don’t know – I guess I’m just trying not to discuss it because I’m having a hard time being rational when faced with those types of arguments.
EM
I’m with you.
H
Do people really talk about politics this much around meals? My parents lean one way, their neighbors another, and we all had dinner together last weekend and it was fine.
Baconpancakes
Ugh yes. Some people can’t help it. I’m pretty much writing off a friendship because the friend refused to let the political topic of conversation go when I said “we’re not getting anywhere and you’re trying to make a point that is more focused on proving me wrong than debating ideas,” but instead pushed me to angry tears.
NYNY
Did you just call your mother a “Bernie bro”??? That’s not how it works.
Wildkitten
I call my mom a Bernie Bro. Language is fascinating.
Anonymous
I know some women I’d call Bernie Bros. Words can be used methophorically. They don’t have to be literal.
NYNY
Do you call all diehard Bernie supporters Bernie bros? Or do you feel that everyone you call that fits the term?
I backed Bernie, but certainly not out of sexism. When Hillary became the candidate, I licked my wounds for awhile, but ultimately supported her with more than my vote. If someone lumped me in with the Bernie bros, I’d be put off.
Anon
Am I the only person (in law) for whom networking doesn’t work? I know wisdom has become that applying for jobs gets you nothing – it’s all about getting your network to point you to openings they know about. But I feel like I make the effort to reach out to people I know, sometimes they even put me in touch with people they know and then that’s where it stops bc they don’t know if anyone is hiring so it’s all – good luck, hope it works out. As I’m now stuck in a job I really don’t want, yet I have a sense of what I’d rather do (bankruptcy/restructuring), I feel like I need to make the effort to network again but then it’s like – why bother? Is it just me?? It’s not that people refuse to talk to me – we have lovely convos, it just never goes anywhere.
TBK
Networking isn’t a linear thing. “Networking” really means having friends, but with an eye toward making the effort to keep up with the friends who are in your industry. Ideally it’s something you do all the time so that everything is in place when you need it. So it means making time to grab lunch with friends from law school, or planning a happy hour with a bunch of people you know, or motivating to go to that holiday party even if you’re feeling tired. After my first post-law school job, which I got through OCI, every single job has been through my network. And they have all come out of the blue. Someone calls or sends an email and says “hey, would you be interested in…?” None of them have been from what is often called “networking” (e.g., going to alumni networking events). It’s all been former co-workers or classmates who heard I was maybe looking to make a move and who then heard from someone else about a job that seemed like a fit.
anon
It has been a mixed bag for me. I did get one lucrative freelance job through a friend, which I’m grateful for. But otherwise, applying to jobs posted online has always been much, much more effective than trying to network or rely on my network for opportunities. I’ve had many people tell me that networking is the most important thing in a job search. I’ve found that not to be true at all. Networking has been helpful for getting advice and information and moral support though, which counts for something.
New Tampanian
“Networking” is really just creating and fostering relationships with people. The outcome of one call or one meeting may not be a job but in three years it could be. I got my “dream job” through networking and maintaining the relationships. I knew my boss for about 6 years before I got it. Granted, I am in a very specific niche type of position in law. Opportunities are few and far between. I would look at it more as long term and not short term.
POSITA
I just got a very competitive in house job through a cold application. They can work. My experience (as described on my resume) just happened to be perfect for the position.
stupid mistakes
I need consolation – please tell me about your most frustrating mistake, so that I feel better about mine! I left my laptop at airport security this morning (stupid), and didn’t notice til I was already in the air (even more stupid) and now it hasn’t turned up at lost and found and I’m pretty sure it’s gone for good. I’m so mad at myself! A new laptop is SO not in the budget for me right now, and besides I liked my old laptop – I’m not ready to give up my CD drive! Ughhh. Anyway – please make me feel less alone in my absentmindedness!
Anonymous
We moved into a house with electric only. I ordered a new electric washer and dryer because I was 100% certain our current washer and dryer were gas only. $1500, delivered and installed. 2 days outside of the “return for a full refund” window, we decided to sell our old washer/dryer for $300, only to find out they were, in fact, electric all along.
anon associate
One that I am reminded of every day- one of the doors on the gate of my apartment complex wouldn’t open fully, but I was in a rush and impatient and wanted to leave. I thought I could squeeze through, but turned too soon and scratched/dented the entire side of my car and the hubcaps.
Dulcinea
I once left my laptop at the grocery store in the basket (I didn’t want to leave it in the car because I was afraid it would be stolen).
Libby
I work at a big law firm. The head of my department did exactly what you did while he was traveling on a business trip. And it was his work computer. And he wanted his secretary to keep it a secret, but she has a big mouth, so that didn’t work. This is all to say that you are in good company.
Anon
When I was in law school I lost my car for over a week. Could not remember when I last used it or where I had parked it.
Anonymous
One time I lost my car. I left it in a parking lot because I drank too much and took a cab home. Could not find it the next day. Called the police and reported it stolen. Then took an third drive through the parking lot and there it was . . .
Anon
A c0-worked did this and it took ~ 12 hours after he lost it for it to turn up. So don’t give up hope!
Phone weirdness
Semi-tech help question that I can’t figure out. I have a Samsung phone on Verizon. It was totally fine until yesterday when I “missed” 5 calls even though I was sitting right next to the phone. They all went to voicemail and my ringer was definitely on. This happened again today while I was on another call. Usually when this happens, I get beeps and it shows the second call, but this time all I saw was a voicemail notification. It’s super frustrating because I am going through a medical issue right now and keep missing the doctor’s call and then have to do the fun phone tag with them afterwards. Anyone know what’s going wrong here?
Anonymous
Reboot
Install any software updates
Call your provider
Try not to sit in that spot where you missed all the calls
Bonnie
You may have accidentally turned on the do not disturb feature.
TBK
Mr. TBK is away on travel until late tomorrow night (technically Sunday — his flight gets in at 12:50am). Recommendations for movies/TV to watch while he’s away? Examples of shows I’ve liked: Downton Abbey, Sherlock, Veep, Boardwalk Empire, The Office UK, Mad Men, Parks & Rec, Penny Dreadful, Arrested Development, the Wire, South Park. Never really got into Scandal or the Good Wife. Any thoughts?
Shayla
The Crown!!!
SW
Yesssss. It’s so good!
Anonymous
+1000
Sloan Sabbith
thirded! LOVE IT.
Anon
Yes! Loved it. Can’t wait for season 2.
nutella
+1 to The Crown or The Fall, both on Netflix
rosie
Better Off Ted (workplace comedy), The Good Place (comedy, current show, so you can watch it all on Hulu), Justified (slightly over the top modern day western/crime show), Transparent (drama).
rosie
Oh, also Jane the Virgin.
Anonymous
30 Rock?
Senior Attorney
I just started watching Superstore on Hulu because a friend’s husband works on the show behind the scenes. Very funny and if you liked Parks & Rec and The Office you would probably enjoy it.
Also plus one to The Good Place.
New Tampanian
Good girls revolt
Anonymous
Luther.
Anonymous
Gilmore Girls
NYNY
Rectify has been called “The Wire for small-town America.” It’s beautiful and thought-provoking and demands your attention when it’s on.
shellshocked
I posted on Thursday afternoon. Thank you to the anons, cbackson, jitterbug, and fp for responding. Looking for more “been there, here’s how I dealt with it” and also my friend shots shots shots and friends to share said shots shots shots with.
I’m a litigator of class of 2008 in biglaw, here since I was a summer. I’ve just been told that I’m not making partner and that I need to find a new job by the middle of next year. Reasons cited include my lack of a $1m book (who has that?!), my not stellar hours in the past three years (this year: 2200+, last year I had maternity leave for the official amount of time, and the year before that was 2100+; I am outbilling most of my peers except for the year I had maternity leave) and the fact that there are way too many senior associates and the firm cannot and will not make all of us partner. So I’m out.
I managed to only tear up a few times. Gold star for me. My partner mentor looked genuinely sad as she told me and said she would help in any way she could, pushing on her vast network if I just tell her where I want to go. We’ll see.
I’m stunned and sad, though the content of the news itself is not itself surprising, the fact that my runway is substantially shorter than I thought. I had honestly been thinking that I needed to work less because I’d actually like to see my kid and my husband again, but now that I’m faced with being forced to change, it’s a lot scarier.
Meanwhile it’s not like my cases suddenly evaporated. I am still responsible for huge, time-critical projects, I want to make my hours and then some and I want my damn bonus. Also, because walking off those responsibilities will burn bridges I need to preserve.
Who has been in this situation? Talk me through it. What do I do now??? How do I figure out what I want to do? I’m in a major market with lots of companies and firms. New info is that one wonderful partner I used to work for here left for Firm B a few years ago and just hinted he’s moving soon to Firm C and would make a space for me there, but what do I do to guarantee (such as can be) that I have an actual shot at making partner at Firm C?
Anon
Been there, done that. Saw your post late so I didn’t respond. So it sounds like you have 6-8 months until you need to leave? That’s quick in our industry. But try to take some time in the next few weeks to figure out what you want to do — do you want to go to another firm and try for partner or are you at the point where you just cannot go through that again? Do you see yourself in a client facing role or would you rather be in house or govt where you do your work but not in terms of billable time?
In the meantime though since time is short, why not reach out to the partner who is moving firms and ask for a meeting/coffee? Try not to be too raw in your emotions (so maybe don’t do it ASAP if you are emotional) but be clear — I didn’t make partner, need to consider options. Of course this meeting is better if you go in knowing what you want — a rec to Firm B or C or maybe you know you don’t want to do firm life right now and want to see if he has contacts other places. But since time is short I wouldn’t necessarily take the luxury of waiting forever to figure it out before contacting this partner — aim to meet sometime in Dec. before folks disappear for the holidays.
Sorry this happened to you. I’ve been there and know how much it hurts — I honestly think I just “moved on” from the hurt and it’s been 3 yrs for me (fingers crossed you’re faster than me)!
Ellen
Yes, hug’s to you. Law is a busness, and even tho you have worked hard and done alot, the reality is that your firm wants billeables and busness comeing in from you. It seems these days that it is NOT enough just to work hard. You have to be abel to cultivate NEW busness. That is why the manageing partner put’s me in front of new cleint’s with nice clotheing and he makes me flirt with them (harmless flirteing, of course). But that is what brings in the bunness in WC — haveing men that are anxius to have a pretty women fawn all over them (like I do, even tho I do NOT find them attractive (other then their busness).
I think you should try and go inhouse at this point, if you can b/c you will be abel to have a life, farming stuff off to your former firm — that will be your chance to get back at them and make them do the work you used to do while you go home at 5:00 every evening. I wish you all the best, as does the manageing partner, who agrees with everything I say. YAY!!!!!
OfCounsel
I would also recommend spending some time thinking about WHY it is so important for you to make partner: money, prestige, the “up or out” mentality? There are plenty of firms that will give you the title, but not the money or any real power without a substantial book of business. That will make it easier for you to evaluate other possibilities to see if they are what you want.
shellshocked
Indeed. I’m not sure that I do want to make partner. Part of my onus now is to figure out what I do want and I’m not sure how to do that. I don’t care about prestige, I want enough money to be comfortable (high COLA, so that’s a lot), but hmm.
Ms B
Best advice I ever got: you may not want to be a partner, but I guarantee that you want to stop being an associate. Just sayin’.
POSITA
At my firm there are basically two ways to make partner – have your own book of business or be a service partner. There are associates who by virtue of their background or family are able to bring in a substantial book of business. (Think SCOTUS clerks and those with family members in influential places.) Those who make partner without such connections are service partners and make it because they’re willing to bill a ridiculous number of hours perpetually (usually 2700+ hours plus partner service and client dev hours).
If you want to make partner at another firm, I think you’ll need a story about how you can become one of these two types of attorneys. Maybe to a less intense degree at a smaller firm, but you either need to out work or out network your peers. Just being a good attorney is necessary, but not sufficient.
cbackson
FWIW, my (biglaw) firm doesn’t require either of those things – we make our income partners based on perceived ability to become a business generator, not on already having a book. The year I made partner, I had 2200 billable hours, and only $2500 in billings. I’m finishing out my first year with about the same in billable hours and roughly $30,000 in billings – and I’m considered a very successful first-year income partner. So not every place approaches this the same way (for us, you need serious billings to make equity, but not to become an income partner). OP, as you figure out your next move, these are the questions you want to ask – you want to get a very real sense of how other firms think about partnership. I bet you would have a real shot at partnership at the right firm, but you’re going to have to find that firm – and that is again why I’d emphasize that you need to focus on job-searching. You won’t burn bridges – the expectation is that you’re focused on that now, not on the matters you were handling before (unless your firm is full of a$$holes, and if so, query how useful preserving those bridges is if you end up jobless next June).
Also, I will say that partnership is incredibly stressful in a different way than being an associate, but it also provides a level of freedom and flexibility that is amazing to me. The money in the first few years of partnership at my firm isn’t significantly different than being a senior associate (so long as you got a good bonus as a senior associate – we’re non-lockstep on bonuses), but the change in lifestyle has been amazing to me. But again, this is a firm by firm thing, and many junior partners leave.
Dr. Recs
Can anyone recommend a great primary care physician in Los Angeles? I live in Culver City and work in Century City. I’m just looking for someone who’s responsive (longer, or at least not part-time hours would be great, too) and concerned about my health as a whole. I have a history of cancer and have had neck pain/tightness for about 4 years that no one can figure out (I’ve done PT, had an MRI, etc.). These are unrelated, but I’m just mentioning them by way of example. I’m looking for someone that understands my history and ailments and is concerned with helping me feel better and staying healthy. No luck so far – maybe it’s too much to ask.
I understand that good patient/doctor relationships take time, but if there’s anyone in my area that a fellow ‘rette has clicked with, I think it’d be a good place to start. TIA!
Anonymous
Another Culver City/Century City reader here. I go to One Medical in Beverly Hills and they seem pretty proactive about trying to figure out health issues. They refer to Cedars specialists. It is hard to get in for a last minute appointment, however.
JuliaBee
How long do you guys think the leather trim/leather accent trend will continue to be “in”? I bought the below-linked coat from All Saints and while I think it is pretty cool today, I wonder if it will feel dated by next winter. It aint cheap so I don’t want to keep it if its going to be a one season sort of thing. Thanks!
https://www.us.allsaints.com/women/coats/allsaints-hyde-monument-coat/?colour=5&category=117
Maddie Ross
I have no idea about the duration of the trend, but that coat is absolutely gorgeous.
Senior Attorney
I have a theory that trends last at least as long as the useful life of expensive items purchased at the height of the trend. So, therefore, a few years.
That said, the leather-trim trend has been going for a while and I might not jump in with an expensive item at the tail end. On the other hand, that is one fantasatically gorgeous coat and I would wear it happily even if it weren’t completely of-the-moment.
NYNY
Agree to a point with Senior Attorney, but with a caveat: I think leather sleeves are different from other leather accents, and probably have a longer shelf life than, say, leather trim around the pockets or collar on a blazer. If it’s any help, my office is in the garment district, and I’ve been seeing tons of leather sleeves on fashion people since this fall, so it’s still pretty new and should have another 2 years to go.
JuliaBee
Thanks all – I’m keeping and rocking it.
Calling Cap Hill & Govt Gurus
I just got off the phone with the Office of Government Ethics, which has authority over the Executive Branch. Apparently, while it is tradition for the President to place his or her assets in a blind trust, there are no rules or regulations requiring it.
I then called my congressman’s office, asking if it was possible to pass emergency legislation, and the staffer said he didn’t know, but they’ve received tons of calls and he’ll pass the message along.
I’m kind of horrified that either Trump will continue to run his little empire, or that he will turn over management to his kids & give them security clearances also, as well as his SIL who of course owns a newspaper.
Is there anything that I can do?
Anonymous
Calling your congressman was a great idea. This is also something that both Republicans and Democrats should be able to agree on.
I will call mine too.
chicagoan
Listen to Trumpcast yesterday (interviewing a Washington Post reporter about how widespread his conflicts of interest are); it is bad — and I’m from Chicago. Talk about “crooked!”
Keep calling your Representatives and Senators and encourage them to pass legislation or form ethics committees to investigate or form rules and buy a subscription to the Post or the NYT, as they will be the ones doing the digging. (After all, it was after the RFK AG appointment that the nepotism rules went into place.) And, I think, continue to talk about it with others otherwise the corruption becomes normalized.
Gift for Nursing Student?
I need some suggestions from the hive. One of my favorite coworkers is leaving her job to go to school to become a pediatric PA. I’m really excited for her and want to get her a gift that would be useful for her in school, but I have no clue what that might be. Looking in the $50 range. Thank you!
halla
My sister went back to school as an adult. Judging by what she uses daily, I think a nice backpack or tote would be great, or a really nice insulated mug with a gift card for coffee, a good water bottle, or maybe a super awesome pen (rollerball is easiest for lots of written work)
Rust
I’m in nursing school right now (at 30). I think this suggestion is spot on. I would get her a 16oz Hydroflask coffee mug and spend the difference on a coffee gift card. If you want to be cute, you could stick highlighters/pens in the mug. Can never have too many of those!
X
So the Fug girls posted a sweet idea yesterday, if you’re looking to get into the holiday spirit. They linked to the Amazon wish lists of a number of Syrian refugee families. I randomly clicked on one, saw Matchbox cars and Pediatrician Barbie on the list and bought them on the spot…;.
Here’s a link to their post:
http://www.gofugyourself.com/fugs-and-pieces-november-18th-2016-11-2016
NOLA
Love that!
Anonymous
I also contributed. It’s a group called Second Families (if you want to search for their facebook page), based out of California.
Anonymous
I’m going to Portland on vacation in mid-December with my boyfriend’s family. We will be there for about 8 days. If we were going for one scenic but very easy hike somewhere near to Portland, where should we go? We will have one person who wears a knee brace, and one kiddo in a stroller, so the emphasis is on easy, please.
Anonymous
Need a new wool trench coat and can’t decide between camel and black… possibly even silver/light gray. I’m so indecisive. Thoughts?
Cat
What color makes your skin looks best? I look great in black and navy but like death warmed over in light gray. My brun e t t e coworker looks fab in camel.