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Dec. 2021 Update: Straight sizes for these stretchy cords are included in the 2021 Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale, with some colors and sizes as low as $49.
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
These corduroy skinny jeans are not only personal favorites (I've had them in at least four colors over the years), but they were among the reader bestsellers also. They're stretchy, they're comfortable, they're warm, they have pockets, they wash and dry really easily, they come in regular, petite, and plus sizes — yaaaas.
A note on pricing: Full price (now) they're $69.50 — later in the season they will inevitably go on sale for 40–50% off, which is often when I strike. But note that not every color in every size makes it to the sale rack. For example, last year the pretty caramel cognac color sold out entirely. So! Be warned, particularly petite/plus ladies.
Kut from the Kloth also has a bootcut version of these cords — I also have a few colors of those, but generally I prefer skinny cords because then there are no wet hems from snow, slush, rain, etc.
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{related: The Ultimate Guide to Business Casual for Women}
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
COVID suit :)
I have a new “suit”. Formerly, suits were lined, tropical wool getups.
Now:
Pants (could be skinny leg or full leg; elastic waist; hemmed so I can wear flats; things like the Loft Julie-fit items; Marine Layer Alison pants, etc.)
Nice white tee (could also be black; highly recommend LuxSpun tees from BR); will become turtleneck as the seasons change
Soft jacket or jacket-type item (includes Pranayama wrap from Athleta; older Simone cardigans from Tory Burch; similar items; “bath-leisure” for the office).
necklace or scarf to show that I care
Just as comfy as my sloppy clothes, but I feel so much better. What I don’t know is how to do this for winter where I don’t want the exposed skin from flats and will want socks / boots or booties. Advice on that would be great.
FWIW, my office is casual and open (essential workers from day 1), but I only go to it once a week; lots of zoom calls though and outside meetings on occasion.
Anon
I can never really make socks work well in the winter so I default to tights and skirts. Mainly because I’m tall and it’s not easy to get full length pants for me (jeans are a lot easier, but it’s hard to find comfy dress pants in a tall length). I’ve had some luck with knee highs and booties that cover the gap between pants and boots. FWIW I bought some therapeutic support knee highs from the foot section of the drugstore for flying because I promised my doctor I would do this, as well as get up at least twice during transcontinental flights, and I find the top band of the support styles much more comfortable than most socks. Again, I am tall, but most “knee length” socks hit me in the middle of the calf. The support stockings are quite a bit longer, have a wider band, and hit me in the right place. So I sometimes also wear these at home under pants because they’re basically my most comfortable socks.
Ymanon
Chelsea boots for indoors “dressed” flats with trousers if skinny, Oxfords if full. And why not go up a half size and add cozy wool insoles? :)
Or fancy sneakers if work allows.
COVID-15
I know you can’t really spot-reduce, but I tried on some work clothes and I seem to have gained my COVID-15 in the tummy (between when low-rise jeans started and where high-rise jeans start, that area). The worst thing is that I look pregnant (I’m not pregnant; at least 5 of the COVID-15 is from going back on BCPs, which always makes my weight jump up and want to stay for dear life).
Good underwear for tummy control until I either throw in the towel and re-shop or get this under actual control? It’s just dealing with lumpy-squishies that I didn’t have back in February (or were adequately dealt with when I was lighter by tights, which it is not cool enough for now).
Anon
I don’t have a solution but I’m there with you! It’s hard to replace all the moving I did before when working in the office (commute, walking to bathroom, waking to kitchen for water)….
anon
Same. I’m still working out as usual, but those extra steps during the day really counted for something, as it turns out.
Anon
Either get a fitbit or set a timer and walk the last 5-10 minutes of every hour. I just pace around my house while my dogs look at me like I am nuts. The time lost working is the equivalent to your in office bathroom/watercooler break.
Anonymous
Have you tried working some pilates into your routine? I always feel and look better, and notice a dramatic decrease in my waist, when I do pilates a few times a week. It’s the most effective core workout I’ve found.
Note, even as I give this advice, I think I’ve done pilates maybe twice during quarantine? And I feel and look weak and fluffy :(
I hereby declare to all internet strangers reading this thread that I will get off my butt and try to fit in three sessions this coming week.
Anon
What online pilates do you use/recommend? I have other fitness apps but looking for pilates specifically.
Anonymous
I like Openfit Andrea Rogers XB Pilates. She is a little annoying, but it is a great workout and there are 15 min “express” classes.
anonyK
Do your pants not fit or do they fit but you just look pregnant? If the former, I no ideas except the button extenders/belly bands they used for maternity. Or, just buy some stretchy waist pants that look like real pants like everyone else in 2020. If the latter, as someone who is experienced at hiding an early pregnancy (including currently), here are a few things I think help hide the pooch. (1) Lots of layers- so loose fitting blouse + jacket + scarf. (2) Contrary to what you would expect, tucking in shirts, especially with lower waisted pants, really helps, I’m thinking looser/flowy blouses here- when you tuck it in, the natural poofiness created by the tuck hides a pooch. Add a jacket for extra points.
underthing rec
I like Soma vanishing tummy. Available in either cotton or microfiber as you prefer, comfortable, no VPL, no wedgies.
Anon
I’m so fascinated by this website: https://electproject.github.io/Early-Vote-2020G/index.html
In some states, the number of people that have voted is already 30% of the TOTAL 2016 turnout. Either no one is going to be voting on Election Day or the total turnout in this election is going to be insane.
LaurenB
Great stats – thank you for sharing this.
Anon
That’s great news! Thank you for sharing it.
Anon
This has to increase the odds of knowing the outcome on election night, right?
Cat
I’m not sure. Many states don’t allow ballots to start being counted until Election Day, so depending on volume and processing time….
KS IT Chick
A friend who is working as a temporary election officer said that she has been told that she will start opening & counting ballots at 12:05 am on Election Day. The plan for our county is that all mailed ballots will be counted before the polls open at 7am. The Secretary of State’s office has made it clear to local governments that stonewalling results due to advanced ballots won’t be acceptable.
I am hoping that other states are making similar plans.
anon
It will increase the odds for sure, we’ll see if it’s enough. There will still be regions that only start counting on election day, but many start earlier, or at least allow opening the outer envelope to check the signature against voter registration, even if the votes themselves don’t get counted before election day. That makes it easier to count them when the time comes. The states for which the number of rejected ballots is provided, clearly have done that step already.
There is also incredible turnout in early voting, not just vote by mail. Those are easier to count.
Some counties are at 50 or 60% of 2016 turnout already, it’s quite something!
anon
I finally found an overview of the rules: https://www.ncsl.org/research/elections-and-campaigns/absentee-and-mail-voting-policies-in-effect-for-the-2020-election.aspx
Basically, all states have flexed the rules for this election. Less than 10 states now leave their votes uncounted until election day, down from 30 states that used to mandate counting not before election day, often even after polls closed.
Anon
I think a lot of states can start counting at 12 am on Election Day so having the votes in early would help in that regard. It also seems like more people are voting early in-person than anticipated, and fewer by mail, so I would think that helps with counting too. I mean, either way they have to count X number of votes right? I thought it was the mail-in ballots that were predicted to delay things, not the total number of votes.
Anon
In my state they definitely don’t start counting until after election day, because they need to make sure that somebody who voted absentee did not also vote in person. If you’ve mailed in your ballot but then go vote in person, it cancels the mailed in ballot.
LaurenB
There’s no system to prevent that?? Here, when I voted in person (after having requested a mail-in ballot), the system automatically cancelled my mail-in (verified by 2 officials) so that if I’d gone ahead and turned in the mail ballot, it wouldn’t be registered. And those who do mail-in receive an email saying it’s been counted, so they simply can’t vote in person – if they show up the system knows they voted already.
anon
Lauren B, it’s a trade-off. You can either leave the envelopes closed till election day and if the person decides to vote in person after all, you can fish out their already submitted mail-in ballot to make sure that doesn’t get counted. But that means you can only start the processing (except maybe the signature verification) after polls close.
Or you can tell voters that the submission of their mail in ballot is their final decision and they don’t get to change their mind. The advantage of this is that clerks can already separate the envelopes and the ballots beforehand, which means they will be much faster tallying up the votes on election day. This trying of different approaches in different states is something that I appreciate about the United States.
Anon
I will say that as someone who has processed return ballots, it is way faster than voting in person. I could process hundreds of votes per hours. People wouldn’t get through our polling place that quickly
Ellen
I love and need new Cordoroy pants! Now that it is getting cold and wet, these look warm and sturdy so I will show Rosa and get a few pairs when we get together on LI this weekend with Myrna! I hope the HIVE realize that they will need warmer clotheing then jeans now that it is mid-October!
I went out this morning b/f the rain came and did a food run for the day and to bring out to LI tonite with Myrna. I have some great Beef Stew from Fairways which can go into the microwave, and some turkey breast that is cold but good. I am not sure if it is Boar’s Head, but it taste’s great! I hope NOT to eat all of it, tho I have already eaten more then half already! I figure that I can still eat it and stay svelte since it is low sodium.
If the HIVE knows about places on LI to pick apples, please add to this chain with the name/address, as I am hoping to take Grandma Trudy out this weekend, and she can eat apples without affecting her IBS. TIA! YAY!!!
Anonymous
I think I have to end my relationship, I don’t want to, but after 3 years it’s becoming clear he doesn’t want to progress to marriage and kids any time soon, and I’m 35 and want that. And whenever I try to talk about it, he deflects and focuses on something that happened in the past, but won’t have a conversation about what we can do to get past that. It’s not great timing with the pandemic and all but it’s too hard to live with someone who has stopped discussing a future, even if the day to day is fantastic. The breakup is something that’s been on the cards for a few months, but my heart is breaking and I don’t trust myself not to go back and beg him to stay once I tell him I want him to leave, even though I know it’s pointless. We live together and I think I’m going to have to find an Air BnB and leave until he can find somewhere to live so I can start to cut contact. I am just devastated and embarrassed I’ve let it come to this, and at the thought of living alone in lockdown and having to try to find a partner with all the pressures of being 35 and wanting children. If anyone has been through a similar situation and/or can offer a glimmer of hope, please share, all my close friends are married with children so I don’t have anyone I can speak to who can relate.
Anon
I don’t have great advice, but I’m so sorry. And I wouldn’t leave the property if you’re expecting to return to it and certainly not if you own it or your name is on the lease – if it’s your apartment you should stay and not let him have sole access to it, even temporarily. I know the laws very by state but NY at least has some weird laws that are very generous to short-term subtenants.
Anonymous
I am not sure how it works if you are both on the lease (or both own the house).
Anon
+1 pay for him to stay in an airbnb if you must, but don’t move out even temporarily if you want to stay.
Also, lock up your important documents and change all your passwords right away. Worst case scenario, it will save you tons of time, hassle, and money. Best case scenario, you’ve finally updated all your passwords and know where your documents are.
Anon
Also make sure you know where every cent of your money is.
Senior Attorney
Yes to all this.
Anonymous
Thanks, I have done this re passwords and money. My preference would be for him to leave until he finds somewhere, but there are a lot of complications with lockdown and him insisting he’s not the one ending the relationship etc. I don’t think I can handle being in here 24/7 with him if he doesn’t want to leave until he finds a place. I’ll keep thinking.
Anonymous
It’s much better to make this decision now vs wait another year. You deserve to be happy.
The best advice I heard when I went through a rough break up, is to not see it as closing a door, but as walking through a door. It’s scary to not know what it looks like on the other side but you know you don’t want to be where you are now, so you need to go through the door.
Don’t discount your married friends – they may not be 100% able to relate but I’m sure at least a couple have been through a rough breakup.
Anon
I’m so, so sorry. I ended a long relationship after it became clear I was never going to get what I wanted. It felt like the whole time he was dangling the carrot out in front of me with no intention of ever following through. We broke up and got back together a few times and I so, so wish I had just trusted myself enough the first time. No contact is key for me. It ended so badly the last time that I still occasionally have feelings of anger towards my ex, even though I’m now in an amazing relationship with somebody who is so excited to be with me and have a future with me.
Anonymous
Ugh I hear you, we broke up early on because I wanted a commitment and he didn’t, then he came back a few months later and said all the right things and we moved in together, stupid me thought it was because he wanted to be with me, now I think he was just scared to be alone. I wish I hadn’t done that now, now he keeps getting stuck on things that happened back in that first relationship, ahhh writing it out now makes me feel like such a loser for putting up with this for so long.
Anon
You’re not a loser, I promise.
AIMS
A good friend went thru this a few years ago. She wanted kids and her boyfriend was very ambivalent, they were living together and then one morning she realized he was probably going to drag his feet on marriage indefinitely and she wasn’t willing to waste her 30s on it so she asked him to move out. He did, it was hard, and a little over a year and a half later they were both married to other people and she now has a kid and seems very happy. It wasn’t easy but I continue to be very impressed by her actions!
I’ve also seen other friends in relationships that are not great and they don’t ever get better. Either the guy continues to evade making a marriage/kids commitment that the woman wants or she ‘wins’ and they end up unhappily married with a child/children that he doesn’t help with.
It won’t be easy but it doesn’t sound like you’ve come to this decision lightly. Don’t let the pandemic stand in your way. Sending all the good thoughts your way.
Senior Attorney
I’m so sorry but I support you in doing this now! Your new life can’t start until you break up with him.
What are the legalities of your living arrangements? If possible, even if you like where you live, it might be best to just move out yourself. I know my former husband would never have moved out of the house, even though it was mine prior to marriage, so I just ran away from home one day and it was the best thing I ever did.
Otherwise, I agree with Anon at 2:41 p.m. that if you intend to keep the residence, don’t move out and leave him there, even if it’s hard. Get a lock for the bedroom door and banish him to the guest room or similar if you can, but once you leave you shouldn’t assume you will ever get the place back.
Anonymous
We rent and only have a couple of months left. I have been contemplating just finding my own place and leaving and wearing double rent for a few months just to make the break now. For various reasons he agrees it would be better for me to stay here and him to move if we did break up, but he is just so averse to breaking up (but also averse to saying that he wants to make the relationship work!!) that for a while I’ve thought the only way it would end is if I found my own place and left one day. I am in a position to buy so don’t want to commit to another lease, maybe I should suck up the embarrassment and see if I can live with family.
The Original ...
Sorry to call you out like this, but this is all a bunch of BS. You keep talking about embarrassment and what you should have known. Sorry but no. You tried for something, you relied on someone you thought you could trust. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
If you’re the one pulling the plug, it’s because of his actions. HE ended this relationship, not you. That would be like me blaming you for bleeding if I punched you in the nose. Do not let him guilt you into anything or let him talk you into staying. He clearly doesn’t respect you or your time enough to be honest about what he wants, nor to want you to be happy. If he did, he would have been truthful then and he would want you to go find the right fit since it’s clear it isn’t him. This means he is being selfish. You are under no obligation to prioritize his selfishness over your existence, let alone over your happiness.
If you think you may want to buy soon (because you are ready, not as a reaction to this), you could ask the landlord about going month to month (they may be thrilled not to have to try to find tenants during covid). Give him a deadline to be out and he needs to sleep in a separate space. He is clearly comfortable with things as is, even knowing you are unhappy. Do not let him try to make you prioritize his comfort over your happiness in any part of this process.
As for embarrassment, I am embarrassed for him. His behavior is that of a high schooler. At the end of the day, you’re in a position to know what you want, to be able to buy a home when you’re ready, and to not settle. He’s an overgrown high schooler. There isn’t one iota of anything for you to be embarrassed about here. In fact, you’re really a role model for being so clear on your goals and not being willing to settle indefinitely! YAY YOU!
Ellen
+1. I missed this thread on Friday but agree you should DTMFA now! Look for the place to buy, and go at it w/o him. Then move out alone when the lease is up to that new place, alone, or back home until you find a place to buy- alone. You are like I was; thinking I needed a man when the only thing he really was providing was s-x and companionship, but not of a quality nature. Believe me, there will be others nuzzeling for you once they see your success and you will have more then enough companionship, in and out of the bedroom. So, be like me and DTMFA now and don’t look back! YAY!!
Senior Attorney
AMEN!!
Anon
It sounds like you can at least have a conversation with this man so I’d be as straightforward as you can be, walk away if he wants to turn it into an argument. You don’t want to be in this relationship any more, you wish him well, but you don’t see a future. That’s your message. Stick to it.
Some hope
I have been there. It was eight years ago. He said it wasn’t that didn’t want to marry me, but that he didn’t want to marry anyone. We lived together and I moved out. It’s was the hardest thing, but when it was done I felt really amazing. I was also in a really bad place career wise and a spent a lot of time refocusing on what I wanted my life to look like. I journaled, i vision boarded, I went out dancing with younger people and I even let an uncle set me up on a blind date (yup, that was every bit as cringe-worthy as you’d expect). My story is strange because the guy I broke up with proposed six months later. He had really changed his views on a lot of things by that point and we’re very happy except for it’s still a sore spot in my heart that it took a break-up to get us here. But that’s actually not the point, nor was it the goal. The point was that I took the moment to decide that I’d rather lose the relationship and take a chance at what I really wanted than stay and settle. It was still the best and bravest decision I’ve ever made. I have no doubt that I’d have been miserable if I stayed. I’m pulling for you, OP.
No Face
Glimmer of hope: A good friend of mine dumped a BF in her thirties (36ish?) for similar reasons. Really difficult breakup because she deeply loved him. Now she is happily married to a wonderful man! They have the same values and goals. He treats her well. Their baby is so adorable. She is not yet 40.
Airplane.
I’m sorry you are going through this but you are strong, you know what you want and once this part is over you can go get it! Others have given you good advice about the living situation and changing passwords and securing your money.
And look at it this way – better to do this now at 35 than to waste more time and be doing this at 36, 37, 38, 39 and beyond. Don’t waste any more time on this man who is wasting your time. Good luck!
Anon
I broke up with my ex of 3 years when I was 36 and met my husband shortly after! I stayed too long with my ex for fear of being alone and also because staying was easier than leaving. You can do this and you will get through it just fine! And remember that life is short and there are no guarantees. Sending you hugs and lots of strength!
Anne
I have a friend who divorced over similar reasons at a similar age — now has an adorable baby with her boyfriend at 40. You have to make room for what is possible.
Anon
Something similar happened to me when I was even older than you – my jerk fiancé, who knew I wanted kids from early on in our relationship, broke up with me after deciding he didn’t want kids (or me, I guess) after all, when I was 37. Fast forward five years and I’m now married to a wonderful guy with two healthy kids. You are doing the right thing and your future self thanks you. Hang in there.
anonyK
I’m sorry you are facing this, on top of everything else going on in the world right now. But sounds like you are making the correct and brave decision.
I don’t have personal experience, but I do know many women who have gotten married in their late 30s and been able to have kids, after being scared they had missed their chance. Look into egg freezing if you haven’t already- it may or may not be appropriate for you, but I’d get some info on it and see if that would help ease your mind. And consider if you would be willing to have a baby by yourself if you didn’t find someone by a certain age. I think having some alternatives might take relieve some of the pressure of dating at 35 when you want kids. Also, I really hate that women have this biological pressure and men do not. It is not fair!
Anonymous
If it wasn’t for the biological pressure things would be so much easier! I have thought about doing it by myself, very open to it except the financial pressure and day to day logistics of parenting solo forever scare me!!
Anon
In my mid-thirties, I ended a three year relationship because he kept backtracking on kids. We had literally discussed this on our first date when he raised the question. I was heartbroken, but also knew that I was done with his waffling, period. A year later, I started the process to adopt, having decided that I wanted ALL the votes on the kid decision, and I was a mom within that year. Fast forward, I married my wonderful husband at 42. We adopted again together and he also adopted the son I had adopted as a single woman. I did not expect this outcome. I was fortunate, but my good life would never have happened if I had not been clear about what I wanted. You are strong and you can choose to have a chance at the life you want.
Anon
Aw so sweet. This makes me think of the actress Brooke Adams who adopted as a late-30s single mom before meeting her husband Tony Shalhoub and then they adopted again together. They’ve been married like 30 years now, which is an eternity in Hollywood!
Mental Health Anon
Depression/anxiety/ADHD and meds has been a big topic around here this week. I’m starting to consider whether I’m at the point of needing to explore meds to get through the rest of this pandemic. It seems like there is a lot of positive feedback on this site about meds being helpful. I’m wondering about the flip side of that: has anyone tried meds and regretted doing so for some reason? I have always been resistant to taking any medication (like, even cold medicine) but I am starting to wonder if pharmaceutical assistance would help me get through this time any easier. I’m scared at the idea of trying meds and somehow making things worse. Is that an unreasonable fear or has anyone tried meds and ultimately wished they hadn’t?
Anon
Not me personally, but a close family member is struggling to get off of anxiety-anxiety medication and was told by his physician that for her patients, “it’s harder than quitting opioids.” There is emerging research about the risks of concurrent opioid use and use of benzos. Given a history of addiction in our family, I tread cautiously on this subject, but I’m also glad for people who see good results.
Anon
Same, way too much addiction in my family for me to consider meds, but I’m happy for people who have good results with them.
Anon
I think you may be confusing benzodiazepines with SSRIs. You should be able to treat normal anxiety with SSRIs and they are not the kind of drug that cause addiction issues. Please read up on it. Don’t let your fear of addiction stand in the way of getting help that would improve your life greatly.
pugsnbourbon
+1. In my experience (n of 2 – me and my wife), the first prescription for anxiety or depression is a relatively low dose of an SSRI. You’ll take that for 4-6 weeks and at a follow-up visit, determine if you’re feeling better/having unpleasant side effects/need to increase your dose.
There are some genetic tests that show if certain medications will work better than others for you. My wife has done them and found them helpful as part of her treatment plan.
With most antidepressants it’s possible to taper off them if you eventually choose to, and it’s normal/expected to ask your doctor about this. Some folks, including myself, experience symptoms when switching/stopping meds that are unpleasant but not debilitating – and I don’t experience a “craving” for the drug because it’s not fast-acting, so it’s not like I’d feel immediate relief from taking it.
Unless you are having severe recurrent anxiety/panic attacks, it’s unlikely that your doc is going to jump straight to benzodiazepines.
Anon
I had a far, far worse experience with SSRIs prescribed for anxiety than I had with benzos. SSRI discontinuation syndrome is an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. SSRIs are an evidence-based treatment for major depression and can help with anxiety in the context of major depression; the evidence that they outperform placebo for other conditions is really not great. They do have a numbing effect that can help with anxiety by numbing out feelings generally. So if “not caring about anything at all” sounds like a good alternative to anxiety, I guess they can do that.
Anon
Withdrawal is different than addiction. You can manage withdrawal with your doctor. Addiction is far far worse and you are wrong to trivialize if.
FWIW I had depression that manifested as anxiety and SSRIs were life saving for me.
Anon
Have you tried OTCs at all? I’m able to take supplemental GABA and get a similar effect to benzos, but I’ve never heard of there being any addiction risk with the actual neurotransmitter. I believe it doesn’t work at all for some people, but for me it’s comparable to the med.
Anonymous
You can talk to your doctor about your addiction concerns and she can modify her recommendations accordingly. I’ve done this to good results. It’s worth a conversation.
Anonymous
I had the same fear you did, and the same non-drug-taking approach, and I’ve been pleased with a small dose of ADs for a couple years now. It’s small enough that it may be the placebo effect but it seems to help and I’ve been able to adjust the dose up AND down from time to time as needed (with doctor’s OK) without any of the brain zaps or other issues. I recommend this low-dose approach if your depression is somewhat manageable, to get over the common psychological hurdle of starting these meds.
Anonymous
Most SSRIs are well tolerated by most people. Hearing that sometimes your brain needs support to be able to get you to a place where you can meaningfully participate in therapy was helpful to my understanding of the role that drugs could play.
That said, if you haven’t tried therapy and you think your issues are mild, I would start with CBT. Regular exercise has also been clinically shown to be effective for mild depression.
Anon
this is really a question for you and your doctor. There has been so much corporate medical advice shopping this week! But we are not trained professionals. Please talk to a doctor or psychiatrist.
Anon
I think it’s always wise to ask around and look some things up before talking with a doctor. It’s usually such a quick conversation, and I find it helps to do some research ahead of time to keep up with what the doctor says and ask better questions.
Anon
Looking things up is not the same as asking for unqualified medical opinions on a fashion blog’s comment section. This issue is not limited to OP, but I’ve seen SO much of it the last two weeks. Other people’s experience is maybe helpful, maybe (you certainly don’t have all the context on these boards) and I get that you don’t get much time with your doctor, but it’s up to you to fight for the time you need with them to get the right care. Also, super sick of these boards turning into WebMD.
Anon
Some doctors are much, much better than others, so it’s really helpful to know what other people’s doctors are recommending, especially when so many medical conditions have primarily or even only off-label treatments (especially conditions that primarily affect women). I wish our whole healthcare system were more consistent and reliable, but as you say, it’s often a fight, and it helps to be armed with knowledge about what’s out there. I think there’s a difference between unqualified medical advice and what I see more as intel about medical practice.
anonymous
I just started Lexapro about a month ago. I have always struggled with depression, but in my early adult life I had sort of managed to learn how to manage it (running a lot, finding a more rewarding career, etc.) But over the past few years I’ve had a series of traumas and last month something popped up and I just felt I could no longer deal with all the pain I had been feeling for years.
My challenge now is that I’m about a month in – to be fair, not fully enough time that it will have kicked in – but I’m not seeing much improvement. The psychiatrist I started seeing for the RX told me that at the lower dose, which is introductory, patients feel less anxiety, and then at the full 20 mg dose is where you start to address depression. I do definitely feel a smidge less anxious, but nothing about the depression. It has not done anything to help me sleep, which I think is a huge component of my mental health, but it HAS made me super constipated for the first time in my life, and I also have an enormously dry mouth.
What’s more, I cannot STAND the shrink. Absolutely loathe her. I could write a book about that and that’s not what you’re asking, but I find myself wondering these days, what did I get myself into? Not much payoff, but all the rest of this. I will give it a few more weeks, of course.
Anonymous
Weird – my psychiatrist said the opposite – at low doses, the depression is helped but at higher doses, it helps the anxiety.
anon from 3:40
and my psychiatrist told me the dry mouth was decidedly NOT the Lexapro but a minute and a half on internet discussion rooms suggests I’m not the only one who’s experienced it.
OP, I would add one other thing that might be more helpful than what I wrote above. I was also in the “no medication, not even for a cold” camp and then something… I really am not sure what… made me wonder. It may have actually been a discussion on here. Like Labor Day ish. Then I had this thing come up in my life that caused me to call my doctor and ask for meds. It was all of a sudden like “duh,” and a light bulb went off. Because I will take, say, Advil for an achey muscle. So why wouldn’t I try to make some of my mental pain go away?
I guess what I’m trying to say is, it seems like I was ready to at least try. If you’re questioning, maybe you want to sit with an open mind, but not necessarily try just yet.
Anon
I’ve taken many medications for multiple chronic health conditions, including antidepressants for depression and antidepressants for a chronic pain condition (many years later- they’re one of the standard treatments outside of psychiatric effects). I’ve dealt tons of drug side effects and significant effects from medication withdrawal, so I don’t minimize any of those things, which many doctors do. Despite those negative experiences, I never regret trying a medication where there’s reasonable evidence it might help a condition that’s causing me to suffer. If you’re at the point where you’re thinking you might need meds, you definitely need help and medication might be the answer.
Unfortunately, there’s a lot of trial and error involved and there’s no real way to know how it will affect you without just trying it and seeing what happens, but you can start at a low dose and switch to something different if you have problems with it. It is possible things will be worse in the short term, but if things are really bad you owe it to yourself to do something to make things better in the long run. That something doesn’t have to be medication, but medication can be very helpful in getting you to a point where it’s easier to do other things.
Trying to be a friend
Does anyone who had a relationship/marriage end under terrible circumstances have any advice for helping someone let go and move on? Any suggestions for what your friends could or should have done to help?
I have a friend who got divorced two years ago. Her ex has re-married and had a baby and she is just so incredibly bitter and angry that it is preventing her from moving on (and starting to cost her friendships – there are only so many times that people want to listen to her rant for an hour about her a-hole ex). I keep inviting her to do things ad take her calls, but even I am just worn out by the same thing every time and my efforts to suggest this is not doing her any good are not getting through.
I am not disputing that she has the right to be angry and upset but this is reaching the point of self-destructive. Not to mention she keeps saying she wants to get married again and have kids and that is not happening with her current outlook. It may well be there is nothing I can do here except keep being patient but I hoped someone would have advice.
Anon
You’ve posted about this before? I think you just need to distance yourself from her at this point. The pandemic gives you an easy excuse. Even if she isn’t requesting in person meetups, lots of people don’t have the bandwidth for long phone calls/Zooms right now.
Anon
Why does it matter if she posted about it before? If you’re trying to catch her out, no one cares.
Anon
Not trying to “catch her” at anything, just saying this seems to have been taking up a lot of her headspace for a while and it’s probably another reasons she should move on from the friendship.
Anonymous
Can you gently point it out to her that maybe it’s time for therapy? Do so at a time where she’s not heated in the moment. Reassure her you are still around for her but that being so angry can’t be good for her health and won’t open her for new and that this comes from a place of caring. I sometimes think negativity spirals can be hard to recognize and that’s the first step in breaking out of them.
Anon
I feel bad for people in those situations – the more they rant, the more they push people away, but the more people are pushed away, the lonelier and more “unlovable” they feel. I have no real suggestions right now other than consider being open with her. If it were me, I would rather a trusted friend tell me the truth than slowly ghost me.
Anon
You sound like such a good friend! Can you try to gently suggest therapy as an idea for her? Maybe tell her that you want to help but you don’t have good advice and maybe if she talked to a professional it might help? I don’t know if there is a gentle way to tell her that you want her situation to improve and it doesn’t seem like focusing on the past has been helping. Good luck! I wouldn’t blame you if you decided to start distancing yourself from her because I do see how that could weigh you down.
Anon
You can’t fix your friend. You can distance from her if you’re sick of talking about her asshole ex, you can steer the conversation toward the future rather than the past, but you can’t make her change her mindset. She has to do that. You’re her friend, not her shrink.
anon
I’ve posted about this before, but I’m so grateful to the person who told me the impact my ranting (on a different topic of trouble 8 experienced) had on them. Hard to believe, but I really didn’t know it was a problem—I’m really happy to have been told rather than just have friends drift away.
Anon
Dotted-line reporting…
I have a woman dotted-line reporting to me. We barely talk and when we do, it is clear she does not want to be managed by me. I suspect there are other factors, she is part-time and her spouse doesn’t want her FT but she is working FT hours. She is supporting a growth initiative I am leading so the work she does for it is “extra” on top of “PT” work. Long term she will have to join my team or leave due to dept consolidations. I have let her know a role is open on my team for her in the future but no signals of interest. She’s quite bright and could be a good asset. Just don’t think we’re aligned.
Any suggestions for how to improve my relationship with her in the near term?
Cat
Does she know that “Long term she will have to join my team or leave due to dept consolidations.”? That seems highly relevant to how responsive she is to you…
From her perspective, she’s working more than she’s paid for already (but perhaps reluctant to push back because pandemic), and being asked to take on additional responsibilities from someone who isn’t actually her manager and therefore doesn’t realize what other priorities she has. Dropping hints about a possible new role in the midst of all this stress- not surprised she hasn’t jumped on it!
Anonymous
Is she being paid for full time work?
Anon
+1 If you think she doesn’t like you this would probably be why.
Anonymous
Why not have this conversation with her? Let her know what you have noticed and gain a better understanding of what she is looking for. I’m a big fan of open and honest conversations with people I work with. I will help them find what they want, but can’t do that if I don’t know.
anon
Unless I’m missing something, you’re piling more work on top of her when she’s already working more than her PT hours. No wonder she’s not keen on you!
Anon
Is she being compensated for her extra hours? Are the extra hours by choice or pressure/force?
Sunshine
Best tips for growing out a pixie cut? I’ve had it about 10 years and loved it, but am ready for a change. Online, some people say to get it trimmed regularly and others say just get your spouse to cut the back so you don’t get a mullet. I’m fortunate that I don’t work in a client facing role, am working at home full time, and basically no one sees me right now other than DH.
anon
I have done this a few times. I wouldn’t trust my spouse to just cut the back … no way, no how. :) I have made it through with haircuts every 6-8 weeks to get the back trimmed up and the rest re-shaped. It’ll probably take awhile, unless your hair grows crazy fast. If you can power through the discomfort of the first couple of months, it does get easier!
Anonymous
I had to grow out my beloved pixie during quarantine because I couldn’t get to the salon for 6 months. If you’re comfortable going to the salon, I recommend going in for trims every few weeks. My teenager trimmed the back for me while the salon was closed and it was … better than the overgrown pixie mullet. Now that I can see my stylist again, I’m continuing to grow it out into a shag because I’m not comfortable spending the kind of time in the salon that it takes to maintain a pixie, COVID precautions make appointments harder to get, and I’m pretty sure things are going to get bad again this winter. I’ve had two trims eight weeks apart, and I think six weeks would be better.
Anonymous
Had a short cut in July and just had my Mom take about an inch off the bottom a couple of weeks ago. Feels so much better. I knew if I went for a haircut, my stylist would take too much off all over and I want a longer style now. My hair is a bit wavy, so the trim being perfectly straight was not critical. If my hair was poker straight, I wouldn’t have tried the home solution. Good luck.
Sunshine
Your hair sounds like mine, and I’m also concerned anyone will cut more than I want. Not to mention skipping the salon means skipping a possible COVID exposure point. I’ll get my mom or husband to lop some off the back and keep chugging on. Thanks!
Sloan Sabbith
I’ve been (unintentionally) growing out a pixie since January. I haven’t been comfortable going to get a haircut for most of COVID, and the period where I was comfortable, there were other things going on in my life that meant I couldn’t get in. So, it’s growing out. I’m probably just going to leave it because it’s finally at a point where it’s more 50’s housewife than mullet.
I would not let anyone trim the back of it. We’re getting to hat season. Wear a hat outside if it looks terrible (baseball hats were my thing over the summer). Inside, you can tuck it behind your ears for awhile, then pin it back, and eventually, pull it into a very short ponytail that looks fine on Zoom. Looks like hell in person, but you can do a lot with a thin hairband and a bunch of bobby pins.
Anonymous
When I did it I stopped getting haircuts and used Bobby pins to pin the mullet and other unruly parts. Once the shortest parts reached the length I wanted (for me long enough to go around my ears) I went and got it cut to a single length bob. I think it took me 10 months of not cutting to get there. This was before the pandemic and I was working at a midsized law firm and in court a lot and using bobby pins allowed me to still look professional.
Anonymous
High risk people, I just wanted to say that your suffering is valid and that I care. I hope that this next wave won’t be as bad as predicted (for all of us).
Anon
Thank you for posting that. I also want to acknowledge the disproportionate impact this pandemic has had on people of color, particularly Latinos and Latinas in my area. I’m really glad my state (California) has started reporting on disparities and tying further county re-opening steps to disparity scores. The aggregate numbers don’t tell the whole story.
Anonymous
I think it’s great to know this (OTOH, I do see the party-hearty crowd taking it as confirmation that they have nothing to worry about).
Anonymous
I think the problem with people’s cavalier COVID behavior is that it never really got bad enough to scare people, except in NYC. In most of the country, the half-a$$ed response beat the virus back just enough that most people don’t know anyone who died or became a long-hauler, so they don’t adequately appreciate the risk. Guess what, everyone? It’s coming for you this winter.
Anon
I think there’s some truth to this. There was some evidence way early on that knowing someone with the virus could raise awareness of the risk in a way that general news stories couldn’t (I think there was a case somewhere in the south where a town that largely thought it was all a hoax rallied around a beloved community member who was in the ICU)?). Either way, I really hope that people find ways to cope with the winter, which can be a very hard time for so many, while staying as safe as humanly possible.
Anon
Some experts think that the reason it never got as bad in other states as in NY is because of the masks and distancing. Even if these measures aren’t done perfectly (and they have definitely not been done perfectly), lower viral loads may mean fewer people are getting severely ill. Hopefully that will continue through the winter.
I also think that while some irresponsible people will just move all their outdoor activities indoors come winter, a lot of people are only socializing right now because they can socialize outdoors, and are planning to stop or limit socializing in the winter instead of socializing indoors. So hopefully that will have a positive affect. Spread has definitely happened at outdoor gatherings, particularly family gatherings where people don’t keep masks on. So I think the fears about winter might actually be overstated. Who knows, we’ll see I guess.
Anonymous
There is a third way: going all in on winter outer layers and fire pits. I am not cutting myself off if I can manage not to freeze outside.
Anon
That’s a great idea. I always hear people (in non-COVID times) talking about how they “can’t” go outside during winter, but 99% of the time, it’s a matter of clothing/readiness. Of course you don’t need to risk your life on a record windchill blizzard day, but most days aren’t like that.
LaurenB
This upsets me so much — the “I’m not going to believe it / take it seriously until or unless I personally know someone who has it.” It’s like Chris Christie who now has seen the light. Uh, Chris, nope, too little too late. We told you back in March / April to wear masks and take this seriously — and you’re certainly a high-risk kind of guy with your body shape and asthma. But oh NOW all of a sudden it’s not worth sacrificing people for the economy.
anon
I agree it’s frustrating but I am also team get everyone wearing masks/taking this seriously no matter what. I worry the “I told you so” attitude on masks and getting rid of trump really hurts recruiting.
Anone
I think it’s interesting how you keep saying you told everyone so. Good for you?
Truly, information is still being suppressed by our own government … lucky you at having been so perfectly informed in March/April. If only your bullhorn had reached further this whole thing could clearly have been avoided.
Why do you suppose people don’t listen to you? This tone of superiority without any substance could be a reason. Whatever you were saying wasn’t groundbreaking and informative and special — many, many people have been fighting the good fight for a long time.
Anon
+1
LaurenB
Uh, the “royal we.” I wasn’t personally advising Chris Christie, or anyone else for that matter.
Anon
I listen to her. It’s nice hearing from an independent mind on this board.
LaurenB
Feel free to substitute “you were told” for “we told you.” Same thing.
Anonymous
The royal we & the “I’m part of the East coast elite even tho I live in Chicago” is the problem … and imagine thinking anyone cares what Chris Christie thinks before or after COVID. Even COVID can’t polish a turd.
LaurenB
Problem for whom?
Anonymous
No, honey, “you were told.” YOU YOU are among the told, not the telling.
Anonymous
It’s a problem with your outlook on life. Why do you feel the need to define yourself by such a superficial standard then hold yourself out as better/smarter than everyone else? That’s just not objectively true. & obviously you will, rightly, alienate people and therefore stay limited and uninformed.
Anonymous
Why do you think you’re mad about your poor cousin who is a “Trumper” but make excuses for your elite cronies who are voting for Trump?
In many aspects you are aligned with the Trumpers of the world with your racist views and problem with pregnant “people.” Simply not voting for Trump is not enough to put you on the right side or the well-informed or ethical or kind side. Neither putting yourself forward as “elite.”
LaurenB
Fair enough; I should have said “you were told” in reference to Christie.
Anon
Hello from another reader who is really tired of your guys’ nonstop vendetta against Lauren and who also won’t say “pregnant people.” Already submitted my ballot, straight blue in every race. Does that make me a Trumper?
LaurenB
“Make excuses for cronies who are voting for Trump”??? Huh? Where have I done that? Please find a cite.
Anon
do not feed the tr0lls! Come on, now. This morning’s thread was absolutely ridiculous, you know it, and are trying to stir the pot again. Go enjoy your weekend instead.
Anonymous
I was posting a kind word and I mean it. We need more kindness right now.
Anon
As an immunocompromised person, I appreciate your post. I am assuming it was kindly meant and I agree that we could all use a lot more kindness right now.
Anon
If that’s a tr0ll, we have the nicest trolls in the history of the internet.
The Original ...
Who was a troll? Most people used their regular handles, what was expressed by the OP was real-life for many of us, several people shared that they have the same feelings and experiences. Just because you didn’t like the post or the comments doesn’t mean the person was a tr0ll. THIS is stirring the pot, not trying to shut down real experiences or someone’s kind words.
Anon
+1. I wasn’t OP, but I contributed several posts to the thread. It’s my life. I need to talk about things with other high-risk women anonymously sometimes and you can always collapse it.
Anon
The Original, I saw you on the Friday morning’s post and you’d seen how it devolved into this odd pity party, suffer Olympics where anyone who disagreed with the pity parties was attacked as “selfish maskless partiers,” which isn’t true. I follow all the rules, and yet got attacked multiple times by those wishing to wallow. I just did not want to go there again because it was just unhelpful internal snarling, choir preaching to choir.
Anonymous
I’m not high risk, but between Nick Cordero (in no way high risk from any lists I’ve seen on the CDC) and a college kid who was the picture of health, I feel like any of us could carry a genetic self-destruct button triggered by this. I don’t know that there are answers on these (other than: genetics and epigenetics matter, possibly, and maybe the COVID strains mean differen things to different paople).
Brunette+Elle+Woods
This!!! Covid is not something to mess around with even if you don’t have any known health risks.
Anon
+1. I also thought it was very weird how so many people on that thread seemed to think that “high risk” people are a tiny fraction of the population. Between age, obesity and all the various health conditions, I believe almost half the US is defined high risk. Obviously there are degrees of risk and current chemo patients are higher risk than people who had childhood asthma, but I was surprised to see so many people being flippant about those who are “high risk.”
Anonymous
A lot of people who fall into the high-risk category don’t consider themselves to be at risk because they think the virus is not really that dangerous. Like my 70-something and 80-something relatives with underlying medical conditions.
Anonymous
I agree that it’s weird. People seem to be in denial about their own risk even against plenty of evidence. And think they’re “brave” to go mingle with a bunch of people and spread disease far and wide as if no one else they know is high-risk either.
Anon
Brave and “not bitter” or “anxious.” It’s a defense mechanism but it just sucks to see the “Trump approach” taking the lead.
Anon
To be clear, I mean it’s a defense mechanism against the harsh reality of COVID, not against their own bitterness. Not trying to start that fight again.
Anonymous
I think some of us live in areas where we are getting helpful communication from our state and local authorities and some of us don’t. If all I had was general CDC guidance, which has been slow to update and watered down, and I had to decipher it myself without a lot of local commentary or assistance, I could see having a knowledge gap.
vote vote vote
My ByChari VOTE necklace (the one Michelle Obama wore for her convention speech) was just delivered! No one is going to be able to read it on Zoom, but I am excited anyway. I will be wearing it every day for the next two and a half weeks.
I already voted. Have you?
Anon
Not yet, voting next week when the early voting location near my house opens.
Senior Attorney
Yes, I voted yesterday, wearing my V O T E necklace!
Anon
Voted! Lots of big-ticket ballot measures on the California ballot that took some time to sort through – glad I got it done early.
Anonymous
My state doesn’t have early voting, so that’d be illegal.
LaurenB
Voted September 24, first day of early voting in my county! Straight blue!
Anon
Yes I voted by dropping off my ballot at an official drop box (as I’m in California I had to double check!) and I’ve used my county’s tracker to assure that it was received. I feel great about my vote and I’m trying to remain optimistic for our country.
Anon
I voted last week and my ballot was received last Friday!
Anonymous
Does anyone here have a medical marijuana card? My husband just got his. Any resources or community things we should be aware of on a national level?
Anon
MJ is still illegal on a national level, so I’m not sure what you’re looking for. Definitely don’t cross state lines with any or try to apply for jobs with the federal government.
Anon
Don’t go to Canada with it. Even though it’s legal there, they’ll confiscate it. I don’t think there’s a high risk if you’re going from one state where it’s legal to another state where it’s legal.
Anon
My husband does. Not sure what you mean about National level so I will leave that, but I have seen his experience with the medicinal industry as very positive. He has nerve pain, which isn’t easily addressed my standard pharmaceuticals, and the medicinal does really help him manage it at times. He’s not a constant user. He’s an episodic user. He has received excellent advice from the budtenders at the dispensary he uses, and they’ve been correct so far. They do use language like dosages and strengths and units, which I find laughable because none of this has been truly studied, but other than that, at the end of the day it has really been so helpful for him. I’m a believer.
I say all of this as a non weed user myself. I can’t stand the smell, I did not enjoy my experience the few times I tried it, and I don’t think it’s harmless. However, I believe it is less harmful than the sauvignon blanc you can rip out of my cold, dead hands, so I was and am completely in favor of legalization and regulated sales and usage.
Anonymous
What has already been said and while TSA isn’t looking for your cannabis, if they find it, they will take it and they have to report it. Aka Don’t fly with it.
Always keep the cannabis in the original container and with the prescription label on it. Some states have reciprocity with others, but as has already been mentioned, it’s illegal to cross state lines with it.
Anon
I flew two or three times with a bag of pot chocolates in my purse that I’d forgotten about. I think they’re still there… haven’t checked, and no one else went through my purse either.
Anonymous
Yeah, but would it be worth it if you did get singled out? Particularly when they’re just hanging out in your purse and you’re not going to be using them anyway?
Anonymous
I see edibles/chocolates as different than traveling with a container of flower. The flower will show up as flower the scanner while chocolates just look like chocolates. Like I said, TSA Isn’t out to bust people but I’d be far more comfortable traveling with edibles that look like regular food than my bowl and flower.
Anon
How do you deal with people who just take up too much of your bandwidth?
I have a friend who I met through another friend. The three of us are on a text chain. Friend A texts constantly and needs so much emotional support, constant engagement and I find it exhausting. I try to ignore or just respond every few days, but as soon as I respond, she is immediately responding to me and asking a million questions, trying to up the level of engagement. It’s like there’s no in between with her. And now she’s taking a totally unnecessary vacation during the pandemic and wanting to talk about it nonstop and I just do not want to hear about it.
I love Friend B, who is also on the text chain, but I find that our 1-on-1 friendship is almost nonexistent now because Friend A takes over with her constant texting, and Friend B, who is a busy mom, tends to share her updates on the group thread. So I am stuck with Friend A if I want to keep Friend B. What do I do? Ignoring the entire thread means I don’t keep up with Friend B. But engaging means I am engaging with Friend A way more than I want to.
Anon
Isn’t the obvious answer to engage Friend B directly?
Anonymous
This. I have one person who I message directly, in a group of 2 text and in a group of 6 text. You don’t have to message people in only one way.
Anon
Reply to Friend B when she updates the group thread, reply to Friend A when you feel like it, contact Friend B directly if you want to talk to her about something, and let the rest go.
Anon
Obviously you’re not actually stuck, group texts are not binding. Text Friend B one on one, mute the group conversation.
Anonymous
Leave the group chat
Anon
Stop engaging in the group chat. Every time Friend B gives a group chat update, respond to her individually.
anne-on
Question for those who’ve done a major home renovation. We plan to gut renovate our kitchen/mudroom/half bath in the next two years (likely spring/summer 2022). We (for many reasons) are not going to expand the existing footprint, which means every sq foot counts. A large chunk of the mudroom is taken up by the washer/dryer. It would be possible to move the washer dryer up to the bedroom level by taking a weird 3×12 bump out in our 4th bedroom and making it into our ‘new’ washer dryer space.
Pros – we could do this work ahead of the ‘full’ renovation so washer and dryer would already be set up and accessible prior to other work disrupting our lives. The space is big enough that I can add shelving/organization in & above the washer/dryer. We would be able to ‘steal’ a foot or two of space from the mudroom to expand the kitchen slightly and would still have more elbow room in the new mudroom. Our realtor/contractor both say having laundry on the bedroom level is a big plus for many buyers (eventually, not moving any time soon).
Cons – (aside from the usual mess of construction, we can afford the added cost) The fourth bedroom would now have a footprint of roughly 16 x 8. That is big enough for a queen sized bed/dresser/bookshelf but not much else. The other 3 bedrooms are all on the larger size, so I think having one small bedroom as an office/nursery/guestroom space isn’t crazy.
My husband isn’t crazy about the idea of intentionally making a bedroom smaller but can see the argument either way. We’re going around in circles. So, internet people, what would you do?
Anon
I would do it. I haaaate lugging my laundry down the mud room/laundry room.
Westraye
Having just lived through a similar reno, if you are staying in the house at any point during the reno, having access to a washer/dryer will be so helpful. Having the laundry upstairs sounds super convenient and 16×8 is plenty big enough for a guest room.
Anon
It’s still a bedroom because it will still have a closet (right) so as long as you don’t do anything to not make it a bedroom in the official bedroom/bathroom count, you’re unlikely to hurt your home’s value. A slightly larger kitchen is a selling point so you’ll probably come out ahead here.
My only option for moving the laundry is to move it to an unfinished basement, which would then put it two floors away from the bedroom, so I’m envious! I have the same exact setup and have always dreamed of opening the kitchen up to the back yard – or having a kitchen nook with large windows to the back yard. We can do neither now because the utility porch containing the laundry equipment and a 1/2 bath is between the kitchen and the yard. My house was built in an era when people apparently didn’t use their back yards for much more than a vegetable garden and a clothesline.
Anon
I don’t think a closet is what makes a bedroom a bedroom.
Anon
It actually is what makes a bedroom count as a bedroom when buying a house. We bought a 2-bedroom house but turned the den into where we sleep by using portable wardrobes.
Anon
In real estate, a room needs a door, a window and a closet to be considered a bedroom. A 3 bedroom house has more value than a 2 bedroom house with the same floor plan and interior.
Anon
Huh well I’ll be. I thought it was just the window.
Anonymous
+1. If you can keep the closet and have on floor laundry, do it, it will make the house more appealing for resale.
anne-on
Yes, we will use part of the wall to enclose a smallish closet. My thinking is small fourth bedroom closet isn’t a huge deal-breaker for most people.
Thanks for the input!
Anonymous
No question move it upstairs.
Anonyz
Who wants to decide my life path for me? I’m struggling.
Option A: stay at stagnant job. I’m good at it, it has good work-life balance, I like my team, and it’s pretty stable. Use the leftover time in my week to seriously pursue a creative passion project that will never go full-time, but may eventually earn me some limited recognition in certain circles and pay a small amount. Ignore the inner voice that’s ashamed that I don’t have a more senior role at my age (early 40s).
Option B: push the job search into high gear for a senior SME role. Admit that a stressful worldwide crisis is doing my muse no favors, and continue to put creative passion project on the back burner, since I would not have enough spoons to do it all. Revisit creative passion project at some hazy future date.
Anonymous
How do you think you’d do in retirement? Miserable, angry, flailing that you have no “purpose” or busy and happy doing a million little projects and maybe meeting people for lunch or drinks? I am #2 — I took the summer off between BigLaw gigs and was never so busy and happy in my life (and it was planned, so $ wasn’t a problem for that small window). Job 1 is like enjoying a pre-retirement retirement and to me it is #winning. But you may be a Job 2 person. Unless you have a high need for $ (kids insisting that they will be on the 6 year plan at expensive private colleges), coasting at 40 when you are still healthy seems like a dream.
Anon
I would take Job A in a heartbeat, but I’m a big work-life balance person. I don’t think you should listen to the inner voice about feeling ashamed you don’t have a more senior title. If you want a challenging job, it should be because you actually want to do more challenging work and/or work longer hours, not because of some abstract idea of prestige.
Anonymous
Go for B. If you like it, great. If not, in a couple of years, you can always step back, but otherwise you will never know. Also, earning more $$ to support your retirement is a really good investment at your age.
Considering Microblading
Has anyone here had microblading done? I have thought about it and had a couple of consultations but I am hesitant for a few reasons:
1) It is not permanent and no one can predict how it will fade. Everyone I know among friends and family has had it fade to orange or yellow and now they need to remove it with laser or cover it with makeup
2) My cousin is a full time photographer and part time makeup artist. She says to her it looks good in photos but looks flat and unnatural in person and she’s never seen it look good to her eye in person before
3) I would still need regular plucking or waxing to keep up the shape (ie the microblading would not incorporate all the places my eyebrows grow)
But a big pro to me is the time I would save not having to do my eyebrow makeup every day and I really do wonder if my cousin is right about it looking unnatural in person. So I would to hear any thoughts/experiences anyone is willing to share
Anonymous
Where are you getting your info? My microblading is hyperrealistic (literally nobody can tell, even up close). And it does NOT fade to orange, yellow, or any other weird color. It just fades away very slowly. I’ve had it done and touched up a few times over the course of a few years. I have oily skin and usually need/want a touch up about once a year. You could go way longer if you have normal or dry skin. But only go to the absolute best place in town. I’ve definitely seen some horrible or simply non-beautifying microblading. Oh, and if your artist has any openings within the next 6 months or so, run. The best artists are booked solid.
Agreed
Plus one to all of this.
Anonymous
So it’s faded badly on everyone you know. Idk why you’d even consider scarring your face instead of just not doing eyebrow makeup everyday.
Anon
Hmm, or do you know about only the ones where it’s faded badly? You might not even notice people who have had it done well.
anon
Everyone I know with microbladed brows looks like Groucho Marx. It’s too much look unless you have on a full face of makeup. Your cousin is right about it looking better in photos than in real life.
Anon
Does Missoma or Mejuri ever have sales or promo codes?
Anonyz
Mejuri only ever sent me codes after I’d already bought something. You probably need to get one referral-style.
The Original ...
Let’s play a game…
What’s something you used to do that you are proud to no longer do?
For me it’s that I am no longer:
-chasing a person I’ve matched with on apps who ghosts me no matter how much I thought it had potential
-assuming my body is weird or wrong when something I try on in a store doesn’t fit or isn’t flattering
-trying to fit into fashion or avoid the colors or patterns or style that make me happy just because they are not currently the trendiest
Your turn!
.
I don’t spend time in the mirror dissing myself for my current weight or level of fitness. I get dressed, do a quick check to make sure I have not tucked my skirt into my tights, and get on with my day.
Anon
Dieting. It doesn’t work and I brought a lot of misery into my life. It suckEd the joy out of every gathering with food. I wanted to talk about it all the time and didn’t realize people found me boring.
Anon
I feel the same way about calorie counting. I’m still on a restricted diet for medical reasons, but I eat whatever I feel like among the foods that are left. It took YEARS to stop seeing numbers in my head when eating. I still know all the numbers, but it never crosses my mind anymore.
Ses
Biting my nails! (Mostly)
LaurenB
Looking to remodel a condo I own in the city, 100 yo walkup with charm, 2 bedroom 1 bath. Bath needs remodeling. Currently a bathtub is in the space. Would you do a bathtub with a sliding glass door so that there is the option of both of a tub or a shower, or would you do a full shower and omit the tub entirely (which is also easier for people who have disabilities, though honestly this is a walkup building so someone with disabilities isn’t likely to choose it)? I’m someone who likes a nice bath, so I always lean towards the bathtub, but want to get others’ POV.
Anon
I love a good bath and I’m so sad my house doesn’t have a tub. I think that might be the minority opinion, though.
Anon
I wouldn’t eliminate the tub. Anyone with small children might eliminate condo from consideration if there’s only a shower.
Anon
I don’t think a lot of families are going to be that interested in a 2 br 1 bath condo, though. It might appeal to DINKs or single people, who are more likely to want that condo in the first place.
Anonymous
We were in a 2 BR 1 BA rental and the renters were a mix of DINKs, often with a pet, and families with one child, often young. I would keep a tub for pet and or child washing.
Cat
On the other hand, I know a lot of people who wanted to live in the city until baby #2 (or school for baby #1) – so a 2B 1BA was perfect for their “first house.”
Anon
I’m currently renting a condo with a tub/shower with a sliding glass door and hate it with a burning passion. The rails for the sliding door don’t drain correctly so water collects and gets gross, plus it’s impossible to clean the area between the two doors. If you do a shower/tub combo, I’d a million times rather have a shower curtain than these terrible sliding doors! I never take baths, though, even when I owned a house with one of those gigantic garden tubs, so I’d rather just have a separate shower, which as you note would also be easier for older people or people with disabilities. If you do that, though, I strongly suggest adding a second adjustable sprayer, because it’s really annoying to clean a shower stall that only has one fixed shower head. Apparently I have strong feelings about this!
Cat
Given it is the only bathroom I would do a tub shower combo.
Anonymous
Full shower, no tub.
Go for it
Keep the tub, refinish it if necessary. I neither buy nor rent places without a tub. Plus the tracks on enclosed showers get gross!
I only use the tub a few times a year, but need that as an option.
Anon
I vote for tub. I live in a walkup and use my tub nearly every day for disability reasons that are obviously different from those that require a no tub arrangement!
Anonymous
What is “with charm” code for? Run down?
LaurenB
It’s not code for anything. It has what I consider charming features, like built in bookcases, large windows, window seat, attractive building with carved stone. I feel like you just want to pick on me.
Anonymous
I’m still very offended about the time you named the slurs for Chinese & Jewish (I believe) people … that you “heard at parties” to be honest.
Anonymous
One real estate agent’s blog revealed some truths about describing a house as “charming.” She said this means the seller couldn’t find a single thing to say about the place.
Anon
I usually just take it to mean that it’s an older house. That said, the aesthetic of older construction homes compared to that of newer homes is often so diametrically opposed that I can easily imagine a real estate agent being good with only one or the other.
EM84
Unlike others, I hate bathtubs with passion. I never take baths and feel resentful if a place has it, because it means it takes up precious space that could be used differently (eg storage) and I will still have to clean it (dust). If you do not take baths, invest in a nice shower corner. If the future owner will want a bath, they can renovate.
anon
+1. I’m right there with you on the tub hatred.
Jess
The details you mentioned about your condo sound really charming–it sounds like it has some historic details. That’s one of the reasons I would keep a tub with a curtain. Being able to take baths is really comforting, and I find that the historic details make a home more livable and comfortable. Not having a bath might work in one of those ultra modern style apartments, but its not for me.
LaurenB
Thanks everyone for your feedback.
Anon
Are khaki/beige pants just out of style? I have a lot of tops that I think would look great with khaki/beige but am having a super hard time finding any. I found a few just super skinny almost like leggings, which is much too informal for our workplace.
Anon
Yes, I think so. I don’t think I’ve seen any for sale in ages. They very much make me think male middle manager at a cat dealership.
Anon
I think visits to a cat dealership would be awesome, but car dealership, not so much.
Anon
Lol. But I promise not to wear white New Balance with mine. Does that help?
Anon
Middle manager at a car dealership would be my dream job.
Anon
Cat dealership. Autocorrect, bah.
Monday
I see wide-leg, high-waisted pants in this type of color. They may be cotton/canvas texture but are not called khakis. Corduroy could also be an option.
Anonymous
Consider an ivory/cream pant as a more current alternative.
Anonymous
How about olive instead? This is the second year I have seen it at retail so it will have some legs.
Mal
I think a deeper shade of khaki is more current than the “classic” shade. I see a lot of neutrals in that range lately.