Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Kenzie Velvet Blazer

320 Comments

1. I’m trying to better understand time/money trade offs for a career choice ahead and would love your help from an informal poll: How much do you (individually, not household) earn from your job and approximately how many hours a week do you work? Any generic descriptions of job type would be appreciated as well. Thank you to anyone who is willing to share (I will include my own in the comments as well)!

   1. Just over £50k per annum, £2650 per month take-home. Middle management level in long term investment management (401k type things) company, work about 37-40 hours a week.

   2. I work probably 50-55 hours per week (but it varies week to week, especially during WFH, where I might work as few as 30 or as many as 65-70, depending on work needs). I’m in-house in a major coastal city and make around $450k/year (base of $250k, bonus of around $200k).

      1. This seems like a very large bonus for in-house counsel; are you very senior like General Counsel or GC of a large business unit? Or is my frame of reference off? I’ve looked at in house jobs for folks with 10+ years experience but not the very senior roles in my big coastal city and base comp of around $200k seems typical but bonus are generally reported to be around 20% so more like $40-50k.

         1. I head the legal team at my company. I will admit, my compensation is definitely not the norm at my level for in-house roles (other comparable jobs I was looking at were more in line with what you’re citing); it exceeds how much I would be making if I had stayed in Biglaw, especially considering hours and benefits, so the tradeoff in (perceived) prestige was worth it for me.

            1. Thanks for responding!

         2. Keep in mind that bonuses for large companies are often at a multiplier. For example, my bonus is 25% of my salary if I “meet expectations” that year, and if I do better than that, it would be higher than 25%. Then take into account how well the company did that year. Last year my company did really well and our bonus payout was at 180%! My salary is just under $200K so if I “met expectations” last year my bonus was $50K x 180% = $90K, and that doesn’t include RSUs. I actually did better than “met expectations” last year so my bonus was higher. Sadly, that won’t be the case this year and I think if we get a bonus payout at 100% we’ll be very lucky.

      2. I’m basically +1 to all of this, including w/r/t hours fluctuation and comp. I’m GC of a major subsidiary of a large US financial institution; located in SEUS.

      3. I’m guessing C-suite here. That’s is definitely on the abnormally high end for an in house counsel (in case anyone is setting their expectations on comp). It generally starts in the low 100s for junior lawyers and up to around 250 for more senior at midsize to large companies, with 10-30% bonus on each end. At corporate giants (think Amazon, Facebook) , pay is more and bonus structures all over the place.

         1. Yeah–“juniors” in the Bay Area at tech companies make much more than low 100s. That’s an entry-level salary (non-law) in the Bay Area. This varies widely based on geo and industry. And bonus will vary pretty widely. There are good salary reports out there–Barker Gilmore, Robert Half, Special Counsel, Lawyer Whisperer (blog posts, not a report) if you want benchmarks if you are negotiating.

            1. Oh I agree, I’m in a non-coastal big city with MCOL which I think people not in NY and California forget about but is where the majority of companies sit (big noncoastal city), so was giving a salary range for tha.

            2. I made low-100s at a big name nonprofit in the Bay Area as a junior a little under a decade ago.

   3. Midwest LCOL city. 5 years in as an Actuary, came in as entry level after changing careers. 45-50 hours/week with a few weeks a year up to 60 hours/week. $120K with 12% bonus.

   4. Engineer a couple of years into the workforce. $85k, I almost never work more than 40 hours.

   5. FWIW, I’m not sure a bunch of anecdata here is going to help you make your *personal* choice, because it varies wildly by company. Like – think about the convo maybe last week where the poster was debating “boring corporate job” that’s a 40 hour week and pays X, vs “passion job” that’s a 60 hour week and paid like, half of X.

      If I had stayed in Biglaw, my current salary would have started with a 3 (minimum) at this point and I would have been working typically 10-hour days plus a few hours over the weekend to get ahead, but in busy periods more like 12-hour days or worse with extensive weekend work. I’d learned not to make weeknight plans.

      In house, I’d say based on what I know of myself and my peers at 10-15 years out of school, it’s more like 8 or 9-hour days (occasionally longer if there is a big deal going on) and salaries that range from the mid-100’s to mid-200’s (plus bonus and or stock options). But there are a few people that have pursued the “passion” type jobs and work long hours for peanuts, as well as people who ended up taking the ‘in house’ pay cut but not actually getting a lifestyle change like they wanted (whoops).

      1. I would agree with this comment! There are just FAR too many variables (industry, location, assets, partner’s income, goals for future, etc) to make this a useful exercise, in my opinion.

   6. OP here: I make $175k salary, ~$30k bonus and work ~70-75 hours a week in a consulting role. As I alluded to in the original post, I feel like this isn’t a tenable trade off right now and would either want higher pay or lower hours… but don’t have a good sense for what reality is among other professional jobs!

      1. About the same as you and also really don’t love the hours/comp tradeoff.

   7. Big law senior associate. $320k + bonus. I work (not bill) around 50-55 hours in a typical week, spread out over weekdays/weekends. But there are weeks where I work more like 40 hours, and of course there are the occasional 60+ hour weeks when on trial or similar. I don’t think my hours are inhumane, but I basically never take vacations because I am not a huge biller and always feel like I can’t afford to take the hours hit. So that part sucks.

   8. Prosecutor, $52k in suburb of large NE city. I work around 45-50 hours a week. I have six years of experience and I try felony jury trials almost exclusively.

      1. Another prosecutor, major NE city with a moderate-low crime rate. ~10 years experience, work 50/50 on homicides, and other violent crimes (primarily DV related). Earn in the mid-90s. Work 40ish on a typical week but 50+ when I’m on trial or just picked up a new case. Sometimes those hours are spread into night and weekends because of on-call shifts, but I can easily take time off mid-week during slower periods; as long as everything on my calendar is managed no one cares where I am or what I’m doing day to day. I have 5 weeks vacation and use most of it every year.

         1. Oh, and I worked many more hours for much less pay when I was early in my career, things only became this relatively chill about 6 years in. Those first few years were rough. Anyone going to law school to do this work should 100% prioritize going on scholarship — I did and came out with minimal debt and have it much easier than my colleagues with serious debt. I’m very happy with my earnings-WLB-career satisfaction ratio. I could leave for a ton more money any time I want (colleagues do every year) and I just… don’t want to.

   9. I suspect I buck the trend on this site, so will share. I’m an academic, early career, and in the before times worked 45 hours a week or so, making $55,000 (in the UK where salaries are lower but I don’t have any healthcare costs). Some of my colleagues work more (although I side-eye some of their numbers) but I have a young child. My husband works 37 hours a week, and makes about $70,000, but he’s a civil servant so his hours are strictly capped. He could make more in the private sector but this gives us a better work life balance.

   10. I work in government, I’ve always worked in the public sector and I think I always will because for me, the combination of loving what I do and believing in what I do is invaluable. I make 62k and most weeks honestly only work 40 hour weeks (but my phone is attached to my hip 24/7, even when not on call). My healthcare is very cheap and I have a pension (not holding my breath on it being funded when I retire though) but otherwise my benefits are not good.

       I would add the caveat that even though I work reasonable hours, my work life balance sucks. There’s plenty of nights that you’re still working on something (not OT approved) because our mission is way larger than the staff, and you’re never really “off”.

       Whenever I work approved OT, I get paid overtime. Most years it isn’t much but this year I’ve had way more than my fair share of 80+ hour weeks. Also, I do spend a good amount of time on call, for which I am not compensated (but would get OT if I get called in).

       This agency / level of government is not my long term goals but staying within government absolutely is. I don’t make much, but I love what I do and I know I’m making a difference.

   11. Big 4 accounting manager. $95K. Average 45-50 hrs per week, several month stretches of 60+ hr weeks a few times a year though.

       1. I’m also at a big 4, though in consulting and joined as a post-MBA. You are underpaid. I know audit pays the least and I have coworkers who “grew up in the firm” and are consistently underpaid even after they switch practice groups even though the disparity starts to correct itself over time.

          If you don’t have strong ties to your current firm, I’d encourage you to hop if even for a year or two then boomerang, or work on changing practice groups. I know auditors work hard and I know people 2 years out of college making what you do. Please for your sake, stand up for yourself.

       2. This seems low to me as well (I’m ex-finance and made similar as accounting manager not in a professional services environment).

   12. Biglaw senior associate, East Coast, work 50 – 70 hours a week, very rare that I work more than 70 hours a week ; comp is $350k + bonus

   13. Higher ed administration – $122k salary with nice benefits including 25 vacation days. In Before Times I worked 45-50 hours per week, now due to pandemic and remote learning for some programs I worked 60-70 hours per week.

       1. I would love to hear more about your role / career path if you’re willing to share!

          1. It’s an analytics role in a health/medical college within a university in the northeast. Not student-facing, so that’s why the salary is on the high end. Let me know what you’d like more info about.

       2. Student-facing higher ed administrator (plus 3 direct reports), $98k with nice benefits and a lot of vacation days (about 28/yr). Similar to FormerlyPhilly, about 40-45hrs/wk before Covid, about 50-55/wk so far this academic year.

   14. VP in IT for an NYC CRE. Work 45-50 hours per week; more during implementations. $240K base, plus 15% bonus, plus 10% stock.

   15. State government attorney, $135k, generally work 45–50 hours per week, great work, health care benefits and mediocre pension (but a pension, nonetheless).

       1. Basically this except more like 110K, mediocre not amazing work, and 40ish hours pretty consistently.

          Don’t forget to factor in your commute. I have like a ten minute commute -that’s a huge factor in staying with my job. A long commute would need a lot more $$$ to offset the commuting stress.

   16. I’m in higher ed communications/marketing. $50k, 35-40 hours per week, good benefits including WFH when I want (pre-Covid) and 5 weeks of vacation plus a 10 day holiday closure (the time off is worth a LOT of money to me given how much we travel in normal times). LCOL Midwest college town but I think higher ed salaries generally don’t adjust much for COL.

       1. I’m similar. Higher ed admin, $52k, rarely more than 40 hours per week, very good benefits. MCOL area.

       2. Same… higher ed admin in SEUS. 52k/year, similar leave stats.

       3. Higher Ed Admin 66k base plus about 15k for teaching as an adjunct. 40-50 hours a week. Good benefits, but less vacation.

   17. Researcher at a policy consulting company in a VHCOL. Salary is 80k base and bonuses add another ~$20k depending on our profits. Never work more than 40 hours a week, but some other people do. I haven’t found that it’s hurt me at all. My time off is extremely important to me and I don’t feel that I have enough as it is. I plan to retire early.

   18. Federal government, $120k, never more than 40 hours per week (usually more like 30ish), excellent work/life balance and decent benefits.

   19. Head division of state gov’t in the upper midwest. 120k; normally 40 hrs a week but up to 80 during busy times.

   20. In house. 160 plus 20% bonus (which I doubt we will get this year). I work from home even during non-covid times but live in a HCOL city. I don’t work crazy hours, probably 40-50 per week but when I’m at work it’s very, very busy and frenetic so it’s still quite tiring.

       1. I am an equity partner at a smallish law firm in the northeast. I think I made $275K last year.

          1. Forgot! I aim to bill about 30-35 hours a week. I also compress my workday most weeks into M-Th with a couple of hours of work on Friday if needed, and I probably work about 40 hrs/week. Not really sure though, what with *gestures vaguely at the state of the world*, remote school, etc.

   21. 5th year in-house attorney in MCOL. I work 40-45 hours/week. $140k base salary + 15% bonus.

   22. 38 yr old equity partner at small NYC firm. Over 7K billable hours in 2019; on call 7 days/week thru pandemic; 2019 IRS Schedule K-1 $673K (take home pay is less with Dad controling). Very busy w/CFO’s s-xism, so I would easily go into law teaching and have a child for quality of life issues if I ever get married.

       1. Lololololol

       2. How does one bill 7000 hrs? Thats literally 80% of the hours in the whole year. 135 hrs+ a week?
          I get this is Ellen but still…

          1. Found the CPA. ;)
             (Trying to find consistency with external reality for Ellen statements. )

             1. Ha! You’re so right! I’m a total auditor in all aspects of my life

       3. But how do you have time to keep your tuchus looking good?

       4. Ellen! So, so glad that things are going so well for you, but maybe check out that work-life balance, mmmmkay?

   23. In house attorney in a coastal VHCOL city. Base is $300K and 30% bonus target (which I’ve always hit). My hours fluctuate wildly depending on what I’m working on — I’ve worked every weekend this month and most nights. Last month, I was working 30-35 hours/week.

   24. Federal financial regulator. $170K and 10-15% bonus. 40 hours a week, incredible flexibility. I could make at least 2x my salary in private sector but would give up work-life balance and job security, both of which are priceless to me.

   25. Project Manager in clinical research at a big US pharma in Montreal. Makes 125K + 12% bonus + pension plan & good insurance plan.
       4 weeks vacation & office is closed for 2 weeks around Christmas time/new year.
       Work varies: around 35 – 60 hours per week depending on the workload, I have been working around 50-60hrs/wk since the pandemic.

   26. In house lawyer, 130k base plus modest bonus and good benefits. Standard week 40-45 hours, rarely even check email on the weekends, varies up to 50-60 a few times a year during a hectic week (i.e. the few times a year I throw in a few hours over the weekends to catch up on work) or deal closing. For the legal industry that’s pretty good.

   27. I probably work 80-90 hours per week in finance (capital markets). Earn $500k per year roughly, in Canadian dollars. Most of that is in bonus though, so I work all year before I find out what my comp will be.

   28. International government, policy, 65k/year for 37h/week, the job comes with an excellent pension and benefits in addition to about 6 weeks of time off between personal, vacation, and medical allowances.

   29. I’m an attorney working in an HR compliance position for an energy company in Texas (low cost of living). I’m in a director position and I have 4 direct reports. My base is $190K a year with 20% bonus but bonus varies based on how well I did that year and how well the company did (meaning up for 20%)

   30. GC in MCOL city for privately held company. Work 50 hours a week. Base is $215 + $25K bonus + 25% retirement contribution, so total comp is $300k. Very happy with balance of money to life balance.

   31. $325K base. Work about 40 hours per week. Big law T&E.

   32. In-house counsel for hospital system in VHCOL area, $165k base with up to 20% bonus, and I work approx 45 hours a week (though it was more during the worst of COVID). I’ve been here for two raise/bonus cycles now, and have gotten pretty significant salary bumps both times (this year over $20k increase), so hopefully the upward trend will continue, but I’m pretty happy with where I am at this point, since I’m still fairly early in my career. Since we’re a non-profit, we have to file a publically available 990, so I know our GC is in the low seven figures, and another very senior attorney was in the $500k range, though they both definitely work more hours than I do!

   33. $96k–Junior product manager in the tech department of a CPG company. Not bonus eligible (yet) but benefits are good. I rarely go over 40 hours/week now but I was at 50-55/week earlier in the year when things were crazy.

   34. I work for a major retailer, at HQ. My gross is $110K and I work no more than 45hrs a week – work/life balance is very much a thing at my company, and we sell toilet paper, so nothing is “that” critical.

       1. I’m sure the pandemic hoarding made for interesting times!

   35. I write about agricultural research for an online publication. I make $65,000 a year and work 40-50 hours a week. We’re completely remote (even before COVID and travel 4-6 times a year, plus have a really flexible schedule.

       1. That sounds so cool!

   36. I am in house at a nonprofit, 7 years out of law school. I work 37.5 hours a week, but have flex time within a pay period. (If I work 10 hours on one day, I can work 5 another day, or many weeks I work M-Th.) I rarely work outside of business hours. My pay is 70k. Healthcare costs for myself and my family are 100% paid by employer. I was at a law firm before this job for higher pay, but had terrible benefits. I’m in an average cost of living area in the NE.

       FWIW after having a couple medical emergencies and a baby — I honestly think the pay difference between my current job and my old firm job isn’t what it seems on paper. I think I would have netted less at the firm after paying higher medical and childcare costs.

   37. I’m an engineer working for the fed government, MCOL, 100k, 40-50 hrs a week (anything over 40 is compensated), 5% 401k match plus a small pension, federal holidays, generous annual leave and sick leave in two different buckets, and a recently installed 12 weeks of Paid Parental Leave. In comparison, a similar job at private firms would pay 110-120k, have much longer hours and billable pressure, no separate sick leave in addition to annual leave, and of course no pension.

   38. Local govt attorney, make $150k, never work more than 40 hours per week in a HCOL city. Usually it’s much less, around 25-30 hours a week. Looking to exit to private sector soon, though.

   39. In-house counsel, midatlantic, LCOL area. Comp is $130k plus bonus as a rising second year as in-house. Last year my bonus was $42k. It will not be that good this year as business has of course not been as good.

       I work 50-60 hrs a week, but never nights or weekends. I also only check emails once a day on vacation assuming I have service to ensure nothing urgent falls through the cracks.

   40. Mid-level business analyst in a small company in Atlanta. Work weeks range from 35-50 hours. More often than not on the 35hr end and very rarely 55+.
       Make $75k with a bonus if the company meets revenue targets. No 401k match, and I’m on my spouse’s insurance through the government so no clue on the quality of our insurance.
       15 days of PTO/year at my current level. No separate sick leave but we are all remote even pre-covid so you’d basically need to bed-ridden to really need a sick day.

   41. In house senior counsel in Boston. Base of about $170K + 20% bonus and some stock (more now that I’m senior). Hours vary, in busy periods closer to 50 with some night and weekend work, usually no more than a usual 830-430/5 workweek with some email checking at night. Lots of WFH flexibility (expect even more after the pandemic), generous vacation time that increases with seniority.

   42. I am a psychologist/psychoanalyst in private practice outside of dc in my early fifties, in the field since age 22. I make about 80k per year and work part time, about 15 hours per week.

   43. 175K. Human resources senior manager. Currently my role is focused on managing implementation of changes to our HR technology platform. Work load really varies.. some weeks it 40, other weeks it can be 70+. I enjoy roles that are a bit more cyclical in nature and require heavy lifts before major changes/implementations, versus just steady beats all year.

   44. i work 40 hours a week (maybe 45 if it’s busy) and am at 115 a year. we have low bonuses since im in a utility industry, prob 1-10k depending on the year. 10% company match into 401k, so i view net compensation as 126k + average 5k bonus most years. it’s pretty low stress and i have a really nice team, so the work life balance is great which is why i stay

   45. State government attorney. 12 years experience. I work about 40 hours a week, occasionally more if I have court. Great benefits including defined benefit pension and plenty of vacation and sick leave. 85K/year. LCOL state.

   46. I make about $100k a year working 10-25 hours per week as a consultant. I primarily do market research and business concept vetting for tech companies. I used to be a VP of product management making $180-200k working 65 hours/week with high stress and lots of travel.

   47. I’m 41, no graduate degree/not a lawyer, but i do policy/advocacy/programs for a national nonprofit (fully remote so i live in a HCOL but no longer a VHCOL city) – i make about $155k and work usually between 35-50 hours per week, depending; great benefits. used to be on the road a ton so usually closer to 50 hours/week so this year has been a shift.

   48. Solo specialist attorney (2007 grad from a top 20 school) in a mid-size to large city, been on my own since 2016. I’ve steadily increased from $40k in 2016 to about $115k projected this year. I nannied part-time in 2016 to supplement cash income. I work about 60 hrs a week but don’t track billables reliably because they’re not particularly meaningful. Full days (9-7ish), many evenings, and several hours most weekend days. I very rarely take vacations (took a four day vacation in December but worked both flights and about a day’s worth of time of the three full days we were there / took a full WEEK a couple of weeks ago and legit only worked three or four hours of the entire week). I’m single, late 30s, no kids, and my family is in town so that helps keep vacation to a minimum. I love what I do, if you can’t tell by the $/life balance.

   49. I earn about $825,000 pre-tax and work about 60 hours a week. I am a partner at a law firm (biglaw, coastal). I expect to increase steadily to a maximum of around $5-6M per year.

   50. Executive Assistant in a HCOL area; $81k per year with 8% bonus.

       I work anywhere from 40-60 hours a week depending upon where we are in the quarter.

2. That model looks like a young Mandy Moore. About to sing some jazz or sing accompanied by a marching band, IDK which.

   1. I love this jacket. Velvet is a no-go for my lifestyle (pug. hair. everywhere.), let alone the price tag. But it’s lovely.

3. I did not have cold-weather camping on my 2020 bingo card, but here we are. I grew up in apartments, so I am pretty used to day hiking, but not camping out of doors for a weekend, especially now that temps are down in the 30s/40s. I can keep warm in that weather, but only if I am moving around. Sitting = freezing.

   I have acquired via marriage a colder weather sleeping bag / pad (the temp rating, I found out WHILE camping, is the temp at which you won’t die; doesn’t mean you will be comfy). And then there is the whole tent vs hammock method (I know barely anything re tents; the hammock thing is new to me and probably not something I will attempt). I feel so out of my depth.

   How can I not be the cranky pants newbie on the next trip (in a few weeks)? And without spending $$$ at REI/LL Bean / etc? Best tips?

   1. I dunno, I feel like if you are going to camp in the cold, you need the right gear? No amount of lifehacking would fix the crankiness of a sleepless, freezing night.

      1. You need a little more experience before you do this, honestly. You need to know when to not skimp on gear.

         1. Co-sign. Gear *is* the life hack. You can’t change your body temperature with your attitude.

   2. I haven’t winter camped since I was a teenager, but I lived and died by the little hand and feet warmer packets. Always, always wore them.

      1. +100

   3. I don’t think I could do this. But I do recommend wool socks.

   4. Rent a cabin, don’t do this to yourself. Save camping for temperate fall weather like 50’s amd 60’s when you’ve have a good time sleeping outside. You can do all the outdoorsy things – long hike, firepit, roasted marshmellos, etc. but with hot showers and without freezing while trying to sleep at night.

   5. I’ve camped in freezing weather. It really depends if you have a good tent and sleeping bag – if you have the right stuff you won’t be cold and will be fine with regular clothes in your sleeping bag. I would not sleep in a hammock. If you have merino wool or under armor bring it for backup.

   6. I thought you already went through this last year with the scout troop?

      1. Found the creepy comment police/detective. Can you not

      2. Believe it or not, multiple people can go camping for the first time in the same year.

         1. Right, especially during a pandemic where outside activities are the safest you can do. There’s a reason that lots of outdoor gear is backordered right now. Who’d have thought 2020 would have brought a run on kayaks?

   7. I camp year-round even in non-covid times. I prefer hammocking, but it’s easier to be warm in a tent. The biggest key is to have something actually insulated between you and the ground. It’s worth dropping $$ on a sleeping pad (not just air mattress) with a good R-value. You can fake it to some extent by layering plastic or vinyl materials under a regular warm-weather sleeping pad (several of those cheap plastic tablecloths, outdoor blankets with vinyl coating, etc.), but that’s a lot bulkier and still won’t be as good as something designed for this purpose. To avoid spending too much, consider buying used–from an REI garage sale or an online gear resale group. Or, if your tent has space, you can sleep on a cot. On a cot, you’ll still be coldest on the bottom because your bodyweight compresses your sleeping bag so that the insulation isn’t as effective, so you’ll still find that you need to layer up (maybe with that warm-weather sleeping pad) on top of your cot.

      After that, a few easy ways to add warmth are layering a lightweight sleeping bag inside your heavy one, adding a sleeping bag liner, and wrapping up in one of those foil emergency blankets (they’re reusable, it turns out) inside your bag. And amp up on good layers. On cold days, I’ll wear a pair of insulated leggings, a light pair of long underwear, and jeans over top of both; wool socks and boots; and an insulated turtleneck, fleece, and windproof outer layer. (I usually sleep in just the bottom layer of all that.) Even then, you do need some movement, or a fire, to keep from getting too chilled.

      I hope you can get set up well enough to be able to enjoy camping in the cold!

      1. All of this. I was coming here to mention sleeping bag liner + the insulated booties over your wool socks or honestly straight up uggs to wear to sleep. Hat, gloves, lots of layers for sleeping that will insulate. Boil water in your jet boil to fill a nalgene and put the hot water bottle down by your feet. Don’t skimp or you’ll be miserable – rent warmer rated gear if you need to save on cost. I’m a Minnesotan and a pretty hardy person but sleeping outside in the very cold is where I am the most miserable and where I draw the line.

   8. If you’re going with a group ask them what their plans are and if anyone has extra gear.

   9. #1 tip to not being the cranky pants newbie is actually wanting to be there. Do you want to do this? IME there is always some degree of being pretty chilly involved in winter camping, and if you’re not really up for it, it’s hard to handle.

      Don’t do the hammock – you’ll be much warmer in a tent. I’m assuming you’re not backpacking, so I’d also advise bringing a camp blanket. You can wrap it around yourself while sitting around the fire and throw it over your sleeping bag for additional warmth.

      Good long underwear, good socks, and hand/foot warmers are essential. If it’s going to be snowy, make sure you have water-resistant mittens/gloves (I prefer mittens+insulated glove liners but others are wedded to gloves; also, good gloves/mittens for wet cold weather won’t be cheap). I also really like fleece pants for being in camp, but again, if it’ll be snowy/wet, you’ll need water-resistant pants to go over your insulating layers.

   10. Are you camping with people more experienced than you? Much more experienced than you? Otherwise, don’t do this. Spend money on a good sleeping bag, a good sleeping pad, and a good tent. Those three things will add up to more than $1K, probably approaching 1.5 – 2K, honestly. If you have a used camping gear shop in your town, look for the sleeping pad and the tent there, but SPEND THE MONEY on a new sleeping bag. Look for a silk liner to add to it. Wear long underwear to bed and a hat to bed. If you must cheap out, double up on a foam and air pad (ie a ridgerest and a thermarest). Also, make sure you stay dry. Bring extra (wool) socks. Bring booties for around camp so your hiking boots can dry out if you will be hiking through snow. Bring extra long underwear to change into around camp so you aren’t sitting in sweat soaked long underwear.

       When I was young and stupid I did a week of winter camping without the proper gear (old 3 season tent and old 0F sleeping bag that definitely was not good to 0F any longer, no sleeping pad). It took about 2 hours of walking every morning to feel my frozen feet after shoving them into frozen boots. It took me over 12 hours to stop shivering after we were picked up. After a 2 hour ride home in the car with the heat blasting, a long soak in a hot bath tub, and sitting around a woodstove with the house heat cranked up swaddled in down comforters. I was insanely lucky.

       1. “Spend money on a good sleeping bag, a good sleeping pad, and a good tent. Those three things will add up to more than $1K, probably approaching 1.5 – 2K, honestly.”

          I don’t think this is true assuming she’s worried about temps that are going to be in the 30s. (I won’t comment on camping with significantly sub-freezing temps or actual snow on the ground as I haven’t done that, but I’ve done a good bit of 30 degree camping.) I recently purchased a 20 degree bag, 2 person ultra light tent for less than $600. Used them on several occasions in 30 degree weather and was totally fine, even hot depending on how much clothing I was wearing. Can’t remember how much my sleeping pad cost but it surely wasn’t more than 100-200. There’s lots of websites where you can get good gear from good brands for reasonable prices, i addition to REI sales/REI outlet.

          Definitely agree that OP shouldn’t be doing this without people who are more experienced than she is and with the rest of your advice.

          1. Yeah, as I mentioned, I got burned – even in the 30s during the day! I don’t take chances any more. That being said, my 10 year old and I will be sleeping in my yard this weekend to test our our cold weather gear – if the OP has a yard it would be a good low risk way to test out her stuff before being away from the house. Also, as someone said below , if you are car camping ALL my advice goes out the window!

       2. You can rent a pad, tent, and bag for much less than that at REI and similar places. No need to drop thousands unless this is something OP wants to start doing regularly. Plus it sounds like she already has a cold weather bag and pad and 30s-40s is still ok temperatures for a normal 3-season tent. I went camping in those temps last weekend in a $40 tent from Target.

   11. Agree with not doing this, but if you must, renting better equipment might be slightly cheaper than buying.

   12. Is your spouse an experienced cold-weather camper who owns proper equipment, and will that spouse be accompanying you on this trip? If not, don’t try it. In fact, even if you have experienced companions and the right gear, cold-weather camping is a very bad way to try out camping.

       If you want to be comfortable in the cold, there is no way around making an initial $$$ investment on the right clothing and equipment.

   13. I feel like if you start camping when it is warm, you will have 100% the wrong stuff for when it is freezing. So, bad news, you need new gear for that. :( Maybe the tent will be OK, but the bag and pad will be wrong. And you’ll want a liner for the bag.

       I’ve seen people layer clothes 3 layers deep, but my clothes don’t work like that (like I can wear jeans or fleece lined leggings, or leggings, but they all fit such that one won’t fit over me + the other ones). So when I read “leggings and pants,” I didn’t realize that I’d need them all at once or to put the pants on/off all day depending on exertion level and cold-ness. And I used to ski in the northeast in nothing but jeans + cotton long johns, but I didn’t hang around when not skiing — I went inside promptly and camping isn’t like that.

       1. You skiied in jeans???

   14. Oh you’ll be fine. You’re saying 30s at night right? And car camping? We just got back two nights with our 3 and 5 year old kids, 50s during the day and low 30s at night. Just bring ALL the blankets. This was our night setup – air mattress (gasp), wool blanket, sleeping bag rated to 35, flannel sheet on top, fleece blanket on top of that. Then wear warm PJs and wool socks and a hat to bed. My kids were fine and you’ll be too! Stay by the fire if you’re cold during the day. You definitely don’t need to buy a thousand dollars of gear for this.

       1. +1, you can do this if car camping. Backpacking is a different story and frankly risky for newbies in the cold.

          Be extremely proactive about staying warm. Change out of wet clothes (eg, sweaty after hike) immediately. Getting cold? Immediately add a layer. Chilly hands? Hand warmers, stat. Lots of warm liquids, including a warm water bottle by your feet as you go to sleep. (Remove when you wake up in the night and it’s cooled off, so your body isn’t trying to warm it up.) Wear a hat to sleep. I do recommend a high r value sleeping pad and a cold rated sleeping bag. You can rent them; if you are tall or broad shouldered, make sure you can get all the way inside.

       2. Your sleeping surface is key to nighttime warmth. Hammock, air mattress, cot = cold air underneath you. Yoga mat or no sleeping pad = cold ground underneath you. Insulated sleeping pad = you might be able to stay warm. Inappropriate sleeping surfaces are the #1 mistake I see people make with car camping.

       3. Nobody has mentioned this yet, but REI rents gear–you can BORROW this sort of gear. Also look on the FB group Outdoor Women [insert state]. These are groups of hardy ladies who may lend you gear! Also, unless you’re experienced you don’t know this–no cotton. Bring only polyesters (fleece) or wool, as they’re way warmer. Don’t layer so much that you’re heat-sinking into all of your gear.

   15. I really like the youtube channel Homemade wanderlust for hiking and camping (backpacking) tips. It’s a woman called Dixie who shares hiking related tips. She has great information for newbies (including your eureka moment of comfort vs. survical temperature of sleeping bags) about gear. She’s not primarily a winter hiker/camper, though, but she has lots and lots of tips on staying warm and dry, comparing different gear etc. You might get some good ideas about what you need to research.

       You need to stay warm, dry and hydrated. Protection from wind and snow/rain will be key.
       Wool layers are recommended because you can stay warm even if wet. No cotton. Layers for your hands, feet and head, not just the rest of your body. Practice whatever method you’re using to heat food and water.
       Bring chocolate, but ditch the booze in cold weather (easier to get hypothermia).

   16. Bring all of these clothes (which your probably already have) so that you can layer up as it gets colder at night:
       -base layer top (cuddl duds, ski base layer, under armour, etc.)
       -long sleeved shirt
       -fleece jacket or sweatshirt
       -puffer jacket or your winter coat
       -your warmest leggings or base layer bottoms
       -your warmest sweatpants
       -wool socks (1 pair for wearing around camp, a second pair that you only wear in your sleeping bag)
       -warm hat
       -gloves or mittens
       -(optional) camp shoes (I like rubber boots since they’re waterproof and have room for extra layers of socks)

       Sleeping gear:
       -whatever tent you already have (winter tents aren’t necessary for 30s-40s unless you’re expecting snow)
       -your sleeping pad
       -your cold weather sleeping bag
       -(optional) an additional cheap foam sleeping pad to put underneath yours (sleeping pad r-values are additive, so you can layer them for a warmer sleeping experience)
       -(optional) an additional sleeping bag to layer with the one you have or extra blankets from home
       -(optional) a primaloft camping blanket (great for sitting around the fire, lightweight, and very warm).

       At these temps, I sleep in just leggings, socks, a fleece lined under armour shirt, and a beanie inside my 15* sleeping bag + basic sleeping pad, but if you run cold at night, it’s easy enough to just sleep in any combo of the clothes mentioned above.

       Other tips:
       -Staying fully hydrated will keep you warmer, but don’t drink a lot in the hours just before you go to bed
       -Always pee before you go to sleep
       -If you wake up in the night and really have to pee, do it so that your body isn’t working to keep all that extra fluid warm for the rest of the night
       -If you’re planning on wearing different clothes in the morning, bring them with you into your tent. The morning is usually one of the coldest points and you will be glad you can pull the clothes into your sleeping bag to warm them up before you get dressed.
       -If your sleeping bag is too big (esp. at the feet), stuff the extra space with spare clothes to stay warmer
       -If you use a pillow and have a mummy bag, consider bringing a smaller pillow that will fit inside so you can take advantage of the mummy hood
       -If you use a water filter (lifestraw, etc.), keep it on your body anytime the temperature might drop below freezing. If the filter freezes, it won’t work properly anymore and there’s no way to tell that that has happened
       -Keep your phone close to your body when it’s cold to preserve the battery
       -It’s easier to retain warmth than to warm back up. Add layers when you start feeling cold instead of trying to tough it out

   17. I did a trek in Peru where we camped in freezing temperatures. Our camp guides gave us hot water bottle which we placed in our sleeping bags (boil the water over your camp fire for the water bottle). It kept us remarkably warm for most of the night. https://www.rei.com/blog/camp/camping-tip-how-to-sleep-warm

   18. You definitely want a good sleeping pad and if your sleeping bag is from someone much larger than you, fold over any extra space at the bottom. I’m very short and recommend women’s bags for this reason (if you’re taller this won’t matter that much). It’s also really important to keep your feet, hands, and head warm, so warm wool socks, gloves, and hat are critical. Bring extras so you can swap them out if they get wet or even a little sweaty. You want to be completely dry before you go to sleep and dress in enough layers you don’t start sweating in your sleeping bag, since that’s the easiest way to end up freezing.

4. How easy/hard is it to paint walls yourself? I’m not very aesthetically inclined and would like to paint my living room a different color ahead of our holiday pictures. Is this something that’s worth trying to do myself, or is it easy to mess up and I should definitely hire someone?

   1. I paint all of the time. Edging quality at the ceiling line and the use of painters caulk make the finish look professional.

   2. I’ve always painted myself with good results. Watch some youtube videos. I would only suggest hiring somebody if you have really weird textured walls, cathedral ceilings (although I have a very funny story about a friend who was on a falling ladder and saved herself by using some of her 30 years ago gymnastics training to fling herself onto a 10 foot in the air architectural interest beam), or wallpaper that needs to be removed (not because it’s hard, just a massive pain in the butt).

      Don’t skimp on prep, it really does matter. Spend time cutting in. I actually suggest getting some artist’s brushes (like 3/4 inch) to perfectly get into the tiny fiddly bits. It doesn’t matter if it says ‘one coat coverage’, you always need two coats. Yes, you really do need to drape everything and/or move everything to the middle of the room.

      1. +1 – It can be done successfully, but follow the advice here… get all the stuff you need – don’t skimp on good materials and prepping, do two coats, take your time – and don’t forget to dust the walls before you paint!!

         1. Prep prep prep! It really is the key to good results.
            Also spend more for a heavier drop cloths. Lightweight drops that move around at the slightest draft are SO annoying.

   3. It’s a good DIY task. It can be time consuming depending on what colour you’re covering and how many coats it will take to get a nice even finish. I pained when I bought my condo. It took a few months to do, and I had to work around furniture in the middle of the floor.

   4. The painting itself is easy. The prep work — which is the most important — takes far longer!
      – Invest in the good painter’s tape and decent brushes (you need the right kind for your project and surface type).
      – You’ll need to move your furniture and buy sufficient plastic dropcloths. Even if you are painting on the other side of the room from your couch, it will end up with a drop on it somehow if you don’t cover it.
      – Take off all your outlet and lightswitch covers and take off any wall-mounted lights. Yes, in theory you could tape around them, no, it never looks as good as if you actually remove them.
      – For walls, buy matte or eggshell finish – nothing shinier. The quality of the paint itself matters too.
      – Even if you are 100% confident of the color, it is worth the hassle to buy a test pot and a piece of posterboard, and put it against your walls so you can see how it looks in different light in your actual space.

      1. +1 to all of this as well

      2. This. It always takes way longer than I think it will to tape all the edges, but the actual painting goes quickly (and is much more fun).

      3. Eggshell first sure. Matte looks weird and is hard to clean.

         1. Do not use matte finish paint unless you are prepared for the idea that you will never be able to clean your walls, only paint over the scuffs and marks that inevitably show up. We have matte paint on our walls in our house, not our choice, they were painted like this when we moved in. Every few weeks I walk around with a small paintbrush and a can of paint (which we had to go have made at Sherwin-Williams) touching up all the marks I can’t clean off. It’s a pain and something I never would have chosen to do, if I’d had a choice.

            1. Every few weeks??? I promise you absolutely no one notices this as much as you do. If you don’t want to do it anymore, I give you permission to stop or scale way back.

         2. Ha, I think the opposite – walls that are painted in anything shinier than flat are weird except in like bathrooms. To each their own.

   5. Painting is one of the easiest DIY home improvement tasks

      1. Agreed. Super easy, you just need to spend the time to do it right.

   6. I would have said easy, but I’ve spent the last several weekends helping a family member with a painting project and it’s an absolute nightmare. I guess if it was one room it might be ok, but we’re doing a whole bunch, and it’s ceiling, wall, and trim.
      Prep is super important!
      1) Prep the floors by cleaning them so there’s no dust at the edge of the floor and wall (tape wont stick otherwise). Put blue painters tape RIGHT at the edge of the baseboards to the floor–any little gap means paint on your floor. Then tape down a wide section of brown construction paper or plastic sheeting, so you dont drip any paint on the floors. If you’re doing the ceiling, you need to do this + cover the whole rest of the floor w/ tarp (not just the edges of the room)
      2) Wipe down all trim (baseboards, crown molding, windows, doors) with a damp cloth to get any dust off. Prime it all with a layer of primer.
      3) Tape the edges with blue painters tape. Tape goes on ceiling, crown molding (if applicable), and baseboards. Paint the walls. Wait for walls to dry substantially (not just to the touch — give it a day or two at least). Retape but on the walls this time (to protect them from molding paint). Paint the molding.

   7. Off topic, but can we all agree to forego the holiday picture obligations this year??? 2020 sucks and the holidays are usually hard without a pandemic. Let’s take it easier on ourselves this year.

      1. This is the first time I’ve ever done holiday pictures, and it’s our new house. We probably won’t get to this until after Christmas anyway, which is cool with me, and I don’t plan to circulate the pics. just for us to have. I’m actually really, really looking forward to this. That said, you should totally not do it if it’s not bringing you joy :)

         1. Awesome! That sounds like a nice family moment, instead of an obligation in order to have the perfect photo for holiday cards, which just…stresses me out! Ugh, so much emotional labor on women during the holidays…

            1. Hi, my kids are now 18 and 20 and I have never done a family photo for holiday cards. The years I’ve sent a photo, I’ve just chosen the best snapshot I took of them that year – usually on my phone in recent years. I also prefer non-staged photos so typically they’re not posing.

            2. I posted below about being excited to do them, but if it is stressing you out in this already stressful crappy year, I give you full blessing to skip it! You could also scale it back from your normal. Use photos you already have. Trim your holiday card list- maybe only send to relatives/old friends you haven’t seen in a while and really miss, especially older folks who may be isolated and really get joy some from family photos in the mail (or skip the cards and call them around the holidays). You can skip acquaintances or anyone that makes you feel insecure about your level of effort.

      2. I feel the opposite- even more motivated to do it this year (and more excited to receive them) because I feel like there are so many people I haven’t seen much if at all this year. That said, we don’t hire a professional photographer or make a big thing of it. We typically use an iphone on a stand with a remote trigger in the front yard. And they are sometimes the only photos I get all year with the entire family in them at once, so I always make myself do it even when I don’t feel like it. My son’s class asked for a family photo last month and the only one I had with the whole family was from last year’s holiday photos!

      3. A few years ago my grandfather got very sick in October and died in November and my parents understandably did not do Christmas cards that year … and they never did again. While I looove receiving Christmas cards I understand they’re a hassle (or can be, depending how you do them) and I vote on a hassle free 2020

   8. It might be easy enough, but it’s a PiTA and not that expensive to hire out so you might want to prove it out before jumping in. I also think it’s like a home manicure – if you’re really good at it, it can look fine but I’d rather trust the professionals for something large in my home.

   9. DH and I have been painting our bedroom, closet, and bathroom. It’s not hard, but it’s time consuming to do it correctly. We’re doing ceiling, walls, and trim. We’re also switching out electrical outlets and light switches. The previous paint job was pretty sloppy, so there has been a lot of prep work. We only have 4-8 hours per weekend to devote to it, so it’s taking us a loooong time to finish. Still, I’m already planning which rooms to do next.

   10. Super easy if you have good quality paint and accurately tape off the corners – and get an edger as I learned the hard way how easy it is to gesture while responding to a question and now there’s green paint on the ceiling. Get thick paint that won’t run and it doesn’t look any different from a professional.

   11. Buy good paint. I was used to painting with the cheap paint from Home Depot in previous projects and was SHOCKED at the difference when I went to repaint a stairwell with the expensive paint the previous owners of our house used. It really is a million times better. Also, I am completely team frog tape.

   12. My husband and I have spent most of quarantine painting. It’s totally a DIY project if you have the time. We’ve had professional painters in before but if you hav time on your hands and are patient and willing to go slowly there’s no reason you can’t do this.

       90% of the work is in the prep. Mask all the edges with painters tape (usually blue. Scrape off any loose or peeling paint. Move furniture well away from the walls and use drop cloths. Spackle any holes with a putty knife. Wipe down every surface you will paint. Let any spackle used dry according to package, best of overnight.

       Depending on the color you’re covering or the texture of the underlying paint, you may need a primer. We tend to buy the paints that include a primer and just rely on those, to be honest.

       When you start painting, “cut in” all of the edges with a paint brush. Use a roller for the center of the walls. Do two coats. Remove painters tape carefully and slowly at the edges, preferably while paint is still wet. Voila, the room of your dreams!

   13. Move the furniture as much as you possibly can. Get it out of the room entirely if at all possible before you paint.

5. I’m leaning into the idea that there’s no bad weather, only bad clothing, and planning on ALOT of outdoor socializing in the DC area. I have a heavy coat… but just standard pants, which are already proving a little cold in the evening. What are you planning for outdoor socializing bottoms? Fleece tights? Snow pants? Teach me your ways!

   1. Long underwear! signed, 19F where I live today!

   2. Multiple thin layers vs. one big layer is key. I like smartwool or icebreaker merino wool long underwear. Then snowpants (or at least soft shell pants). Fleece or thin down jacket, outer coat.

      If you will be sitting a lot, make sure the coat is at least 3/4 length. Don’t forget hat, gloves, warm boots. Warm hands and feet make a big difference.

      1. Oh yeah, cover your lower back!! My mom swears that heat escapes through your kidneys and my did-a-few-premed-courses husband says that’s not a thing, but I’m always 100% warmer when I wear a coat that covers my butt.

         1. This is so interesting! My husband’s Portuguese neighbor said the same thing about kidneys getting cold to me once when we first started dating.

      2. Only to a certain point. If it’s cold enough that you truly need multiple layers and not just two, invest in some actual cold weather gear. Because I don’t think you’ll get very far if you try walking around with three or four layers of pants on.

         1. ? I don’t think you can do more than two layers on the bottom – like long underwear and snow pants. I don’t know how anyone could wear three or four layers of pants.

   3. My coworkers laugh at me when I insist that there’s no bad weather, only unprepared clothing, but it’s so true (I have biked to work during a tropical storm before)

      My dad is a mailman and swears by long underwear in the winter.

      My job is mostly a desk job with some fieldwork and having spent a few LONG days in the field in freezing weather layers and long underwear and good socks and shoes are your friend for the winter

   4. Darn tough socks.

   5. I hate fleece tights I find them saggy and uncomfortable. I like just a pair of regular tights under jeans or long silk underwear. Not snow pants.

   6. Good for you making this effort. In Sweden, kids go outside at night with reflective vests and all their winter gear on. If they can do it, so can you!

      1. The parts of Sweden that most people live in actually doesn’t get as cold as New England.

   7. Silk long johns.

   8. I live in the DC area and I wear uniqlo base layers under my normal jeans/pants. I have the thinnest ones and the “extra warm” ones that are almost fleece tights. Highly recommend.
      Shoes make all the difference, as well. I like my Sorel waterproof Chelsea boots with wool socks.

   9. I like silk long underwear layered under first my heaviest joggers and then under snow pants as the temps drop.

   10. Uniqlo HeatTech underneath regular workout leggings. They really keep me warm!

   11. Sorry, can’t help myself.
       http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

   12. Long underwear (Kari Traa is my favorite brand!) and Old Navy fleece lined pants from their Warm line, plus wool socks and warm shoes.

   13. When it’s really cold, I have a tough time keeping my toes warm, regardless of what socks I’m wearing. I either have a pair of fleece-lined boots, or I put toe warmers under each toe. Note that the latter only work about 2-3 hours. Another trick is to put the larger warm patch on your lower back.

   14. Athleta has powerstretch (polartec) pants that come in bootcut and leggings. The Leggings are adorable with higher boots. They are toasty. Recommend. These are not fleece-lined leggings. They are fleece as the legging material, if that makes any sense. Comfy and warm. If it’s really cold, you can layer with longjohns, but you won’t need that, honestly. GL!

       1. Sorry for the late post, but wanted to second the recommendation for the altitude tight and the altitude pant. I have both and wear them when I’m golfing and curling. May get another pair of the leggings this year, I’m trying to take more walks outdoors through the winter. They’re honestly slightly too warm for me to just sit around inside in.

          https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=486200032&pcid=999&vid=1&&searchText=altitude%20tight#pdp-page-content

          https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=486188012&pcid=999&vid=1&&searchText=polartec#pdp-page-content

   15. Ditch everything made of cotton. In your situation, I think I would splurge on a pair of snow pants and warm boots to wear all the time and get several cheaper base layers (Uniqlo) and wool socks (Costco).

6. I got a positive test result for a STI this morning and it’s been throwing me for a loop. I feel so dirty and ashamed. It’s a very common, treatable one which is a relief. I texted the guy I’ve been FWB-ing and his response was “yikes” which is less than what I wanted to hear. At least I know who it came from but it still is just a crappy way to start a Monday…

   1. I’m sorry you feel that way. If his response was “yikes” with no apology or other expression of concern, I would cut this guy off ASAP.

   2. I’m sorry. That’s a crappy thing to deal with, along with your FWB’s reaction! You are unlucky, not dirty.

   3. Join the club- if you have adult relations, this is a thing that happens. It doesn’t mean you’re dirty.

      1. +1. This is so common and nothing to feel dirty or ashamed about. I’m sorry to hear about your FWB’s reaction though.

      2. Yep! I had HPV and a guy I hooked up with informed me he got diagnosed with chlamydia, thankfully I was negative.Not a big deal. Just make sure to have a doctor you’re very comfortable with.

         1. +1. I’ve had HPV and like 80% of people my age supposedly have, too. People would never know unless they’ve had an abnormal pap. I feel like it’s super shamed in middle/high school so it feels weird to get a sti/std but in reality, it happens.

            1. +1

         2. Can anyone comment on how long it took to “recover” from HPV? My initial diagnosis was a year ago and I thought my body would have rid itself of it by now, but my pap is still coming back abnormal a year later. (Mid 30’s if that matters.)

            1. I had my first abnormal result in 2014 and 2020 was my first “normal” pap since then. Two pregnancies in the interim, the follow-ups never showed a big problem.

            2. There are a bunch of strains of HPV. You should ask your doctor.

            3. Your PAP is only testing for the strains associated with cervical cancer. Some people clear it naturally, some never do and eventually many to most of those people get treated for some early signs of pre-cancerous growth.

               It’s good to know and good to stay on top of it, because early pre-cancerous stuff is much better than late anything!

      3. +1, super common, and good on you for staying on top of your health!

   4. You have nothing to feel bad about! We’re all at risk to some extent (HPV here), and what’s great is that you are conscientious about your health care. And yeah, your partner’s response was crappy. Hopefully he takes his health (and yours/other partners’ more seriously than ‘yikes’). Granted, since talking about STIs is so stigmatized, I guess I can understand if he, like many people, just aren’t sure what to say when someone brings it up. Not an excuse though.

      Anyway – sorry you are dealing with this, glad you are taking care of yourself, and its going to be OK.

   5. His response tells you a lot about him. I got HPV in my 20s (I had a couple of actual warts) and I informed the guy who I am sure gave it to me. He got mad at me and said I must have given it to me. He was basically the only one visiting my garden for close to a year. The vice versa was not true. That told me everything I needed to know about him.

      I’m sorry. It’s incredibly common. Get it treated and move on …

      1. *he said I must have given it to HIM

   6. Chiming in to say, don’t feel bad! People don’t talk about it much but I’d bet it’s very common. I’d had chlamydia a few years ago – an ex-FWD let me know he’d been diagnosed, I had a boyfriend at that point so we both had to be treated. There was also another guy or two I’d fooled around with before getting with the BF, and I contacted them to let them know. Honestly everyone was pretty mature and responsible about it all – just showing that it’s possible. And to end the story, I’m now happily (and monogamously) married, so it really didn’t have any long term harm :).

      Re the “yikes” – any chance it was just a thoughtless response and he was just thinking about having to get tested and treated himself, or feeling bad for possibly giving it to you? Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but really you don’t need to feel bad about yourself.

7. I’m agnostic but was raised religious and there are some parts of my religious upbringing that I miss, like saying grace and nighttime prayers.

   Does anyone have any secular or mildly Christian prayers of thanks in the morning (thankful to wake up another day)/before bed (thanks for the day, thanks for the blessings in my life)/grace before meals? Everything I’ve found online is either too hippy dippy or too religious.

   This year is so stressful and hectic and I think I’d benefit from taking 20 seconds a few times a day to acknowledge that I’m really lucky and to say thanks for my life and all that I have? I’ve been feeling too rushed and too self absorbed lately.

   1. The Jesuit tradition practices the evening “Examen”, which is an end of day reflection and an opportunity to identify moments of grace that you may have missed. You can find guided Examens online; I listen to Fr. Jim Martin. He has a progressive theology and a welcoming outlook.

   2. We generally use the world hunger prayer before meals. You could probably adjust the wording to make it slightly less religious (like ‘for these I am grateful each day’ instead of ‘we give you humble thanks O Lord’) .

      “For food in a world where many walk in hunger;
      for faith in a world where many walk in fear;
      for friends in a world where many walk alone,
      we give you humble thanks, O Lord. Amen.”

      1. Oh i really like this one – thank you!

   3. I’ve been trying out these graces:

      For the food before us
      The friends beside us
      The love among us
      We are thankful
      Amen

      For the meal we are about to eat
      For those who made it possible
      And for those with whom we are about to share it
      We are thankful

      May we have grateful hearts for all we receive and be ever mindful of the needs of others. Amen.

      1. LOVE this last one!

   4. Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change
      The courage to change the things I can
      And the wisdom to know the difference.

   5. Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change
      The courage to change the things I can
      And the wisdom to know the difference.

   6. I really like the Prayer of St Francis because it give me action steps that I can carry with me. Like some of the discussion last week, I’m an Episcopalian who sometimes believes and sometimes does not. One of the main things that keeps me coming back is that for me, church regularly pushes me to look outside myself to serve others. Like you, it helps me find the thanks and see the world outside of my perspective. This prayer is a distillation of that. I think you could also modify this to keep only what works for you, if for example, if some of the text in the second paragraph is too religious for you.

      Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
      where there is hatred, let me sow love;
      where there is injury, pardon;
      where there is doubt, faith;
      where there is despair, hope;
      where there is darkness, light;
      where there is sadness, joy.

      O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
      to be consoled as to console,
      to be understood as to understand,
      to be loved as to love.
      For it is in giving that we receive,
      it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
      and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
      Amen.

      1. I’ve always loved this prayer but I did it as a reading at my grandfather’s funeral a few years back so it kind of has a black cloud over it for me.

         Last week’s conversation actually prompted me to want to get back to saying “grace”. I’m a lapsed Episcopalian who thinks very highly of the Episcopal Church but I don’t practice because I’m agnostic and don’t feel like I can go to church if I’m not sure if there’s a God.

         1. I can totally see that. So sorry for your loss. I saw later down the chain that you feel much more comfortable with a set prayer, and SAME! Team liturgy! (I accompanied a friend to a Quaker meeting once and felt so unmoored.)

            Totally up to you, but if you were to decide you wanted to go to church, even without believing for sure, I can’t imagine any of the (many many, I’ve moved a lot) Episcopal churches would care. They’d just be happy to have you there, and would you please vote in the vestry elections, volunteer at the service event, and host a coffee hour :). I’ve given some thought to the question because sometimes I don’t believe and where I’ve come down is if there is a God, I think God would rather I go, even when I’m on the fence, because of just the process of going to church makes me feel more connected to the idea of divinity and responsible for humanity. And if there isn’t, an hour of centering one’s self and looking outwards to ways I can serve others can’t hurt!

   7. If you are comfortable with it, consider creating one (or many) yourself that feels more “you.” I am a non-denominational Protestant and have rarely been a part of churches with written/structured prayers…typically, the churches I’ve belonged to have primarily practiced stream-of-conscious prayers. I tend to say mine aloud while sitting in traffic and in other random private moments. I like it because these spontaneous prayers feel more intimate to me, although I do think more formal corporate worship is also beautiful.

      1. I was raised Episcopalian so I’m actually very uncomfortable with these types of prayers. I much prefer a rote prayer over going off book.

         That being said, was never a huge fan of the grace that my family said or the “as I lay me down to sleep” bedtime prayer.

         1. “Now I lay me down to sleep” is just awful. With my daughter, I used Prayer for a Child by Rachel Field. It is really sweet and age-appropriate.

         2. Totally understandable! I think it’s all about finding what works for you :)

   8. This is not exactly what you are asking for, but I really like the Prayer of St. Francis even though I’m not Catholic. I find it most useful in the morning to set an intention for the day.

      Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
      where there is hatred, let me sow love;
      where there is injury, pardon;
      where there is doubt, faith;
      where there is despair, hope;
      where there is darkness, light;
      where there is sadness, joy.

      O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
      to be consoled as to console,
      to be understood as to understand,
      to be loved as to love.
      For it is in giving that we receive,
      it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
      and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
      Amen.

      1. Can I just say: just reading this, I remembered every word to a tune I was taught when I was a kid.

         Weird how the mind works.

         1. I read it in the tune of the song, too. It’s a good song!

         2. My class sang this song as part of our 8th grade graduation ceremony, so I was singing along with you.

         3. I knew this as a prayer (and really liked it), but didn’t know it was set to music until I saw Come From Away! Which – btw is a GREAT show.

   9. I’ve been enjoying follow Kate Bowler on IG. She does a daily prayer that basically fits on a post it note that are timely and God-directed but not denominationally specific.

      1. Oh I just looked her up and saw some. I’m constantly back and forth when it comes to deleting my Instagram but once I’m back on (probably next week… I tend to be a few days on, a few days off) I’ll follow her.

         Side note – why is Instagram so unfriendly to people without accounts!

   10. My 8 y.o. son is in Boy Scouts. He recites the (easy) Summit Grace at mealtime. It’s very impressive to my evangelical in-laws, works for our current Episcopalian faith and my lasped Catholic upbringing:

       For this time and this place,
       For your goodness and grace,
       For each friend we embrace,
       We thank thee, O Lord.

       Several others are noted on Wikipedia. Amend to your preferences.

   11. I wasn’t raised with religion, but we always said grace at my grandparents’ house; they were your basic midwestern protestants (Congregationalists until the Congregational church in town really shrank, then joined up with the Lutherans, whose congregation was more robust). Anyway, I always liked this a lot:

       Thank you for the world so sweet;
       Thank you for the food we eat;
       Thank you for the birds that sing;
       Thank you, God, for everything.
       Amen.

       (this is such an entrenched piece of my childhood that I can’t even say it mentally without the “amen” being the heavily rhythmic/singsong way a kid says “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-men”)

   12. When I wake up, I say thanks for a good night sleep and pray for a productive day. I also find Katherine Jenkin’s song “Make me a Channel of Your Peace” really nice to listen to on my morning walk.

       For meals, I just say a quick thank you. I find anything more elaborate means I end up skipping it more often.

       For sleep, I like to first reflect on my day for areas where I did not act well (eg. Getting angry or annoyed at someone) and then pray for improvement. I also have 3 standard prayers for family, to act in more Godly way, and to find love.

8. Back in 2008-2010, due to divorce, job loss, depression and general inability to deal, I didn’t pay my income taxes. By the time I was able to cope with it, in 2013, I owed almost $20,000 and was also in the middle of trying to restart my career after getting so far off the rails. I set up a monthly payment plan (which was reasonable) which also took any refunds I had over the last 7 years and I made some random payments when I had some extra cash.

   This morning I just made my final payment. This was the final dregs of a horrible, demoralizing time in my life and I’m finally shut of it. 2020 is still taking its toll, but I’ll enjoy this small victory for now.

   And if it helps anyone, you can climb out of that horrible place. I didn’t think I had the strength, but I found it, and the years pass and eventually it really is your history and not your present. Courage.

   1. Happy for you that you have made it through the hard times. You should feel powerful.

   2. Congrats on this milestone!! I know from personal experience how hard it is to turn things around when all seems hopeless. Cheering for you today!!

   3. Yay!!! Thank you for sharing your success story and your positive spin. This was a good dose of inspiration. :)

   4. Wow Congratulations on this journey!

   5. Congratulations!!!

   6. Congratulations!! And thank you for being so vulnerable.

   7. Congratulations!!!

   8. Whoo, congrats! I also had a shirtty 2008-2010 on most fronts. High-five for making it out.

   9. This is spectacular!! HOORAY!! I’d call this a BIG victory!!

      Big hugs and heartiest congratulations!

   10. congrats on making it through!

   11. I’m struggling with the guilt of past credit card debt, even as I pay it off, and this post is very encouraging to me. Congrats and thank you for sharing.

   12. Congratulations!

   13. I am so happy for you. Congrats. Nicely done.

9. How do you deal with salary expectation questions on online job application platforms? I am encountering forms where the question is mandatory. Most times the advice is to pick a number that is obviously unrealistic e.g. $1 or $999999. I am tempted to pick over 225,000 from the drop down menu provided for a particular position I found just because I don’t know enough about the position, how it ranks hierarchically in the organisation to put what I would consider to be a real figure. It is a position for which I know over 225000 is unrealistic.

   1. This is a screening question. Your application may never be seen by someone if you put an unrealistic number. When I was hiring at my company, HR would only review the resumes that met the salary parameters and then forward those to me. I had to fight to be able to see all qualified candidates- something I suspect most hiring managers won’t do.

      1. +1

      2. Any recs for guessing a ballpark figure? I can get an idea from market rates or Glassdoor, but if I’m uncertain about the details of the position … is it better to guess low or aim for on the mark or overestimate a bit for better negotiating?

         1. Certainly don’t go lower than what you would actually accept.

   2. My husband picks the number he wants and just backs it up if he’s asked. A few jobs ago, he was making $70-75K and picked $100K on a job application. When he was asked by the recruiter how he could justify the number given his current salary, he said,”I’ve hired people for similar positions in my organization, and I know what we have to pay $100K+ for those positions in order to get qualified people. I believe that I’m worth that and am underpaid at my current position, which is part of why I would like to leave.” Recruiter moved on, and he got an offer for $100K.

      Unless you’re actually desperate for a job, don’t try to “guess” what the company wants to hear. Ultimately, you want them to give you an offer you will take, so if you tell them a low salary that you would never take and they offer that, ultimately, you’re not helping yourself.

      1. I have answered the question “because that’s what it would take to get me to leave my current position.”

   3. I usually answer this with a range, with the bottom being the absolute lowest I’d accept, and the top being a number that’s realistic but feels like a bit of a reach. The company just wants to make sure they’re not wasting time interviewing someone who’s salary needs/expectations are significantly higher than the budgeted range for the role.

10. Just carved real pumpkins for the first time in a really long time. I am wondering if anyone in the group has:
    – any recipes for roasting pumpkins seeds
    – any tricks for making a carved pumpkin last longer and not mold so quickly?

    1. I’ve always heard a bleach bath helps preserve jack o’ lanterns. Never tried it, but mean to the next time I carve one!
       https://www.clorox.com/how-to/hacks-crafts-diy/surprising-uses-for-clorox/how-to-preserve-a-carved-pumpkin/

    2. We roast pumpkin seeds every year!
       – Wash the seeds thoroughly and clean off all the guts from the seeds (this seems easier with some pumpkins than with others).
       – Soak the seeds briefly (like 5-10 minutes max) in lightly salted water and gently agitate to get the rest of the guts/debris off, drain into a colander and let drain thoroughly. You may still have some bits of pumpkin guts on the seeds, it’s not a big deal, they’ll get crispy in the oven.
       – Spread the seeds out in a single layer on a cookie sheet you’ve prepped with cooking spray or oil
       – Sprinkle on seasoning of your choice all over the seeds (I use Old Bay); remember that the seeds soaked in salted water so you may not need a ton more salt
       – Roast at 375 degrees until they’re done to your liking; I like mine evenly golden brown but some prefer theirs more or less brown. It’s usually 10-12 minutes but I continually check just to make sure, some seeds seem to cook faster than others.
       I eat these for days after I make them; they keep pretty well in an airtight container.

    3. I haven’t tried either of these personally, but have heard people report success by coating the pumpkin with clear spray paint or spraying it with diluted vinegar.

       1. I have never done this with a pumpkin, but I got the beautiful local strawberries to last longer this summer by washing them with diluted vinegar before refrigerating. I would expect it to have similar results with a pumpkin by killing the bacteria that causes rot.

    4. Roasting seeds is really easy: clean off pumpkin guts, add any seasoning, bake until they’re a light brown color. I recommend trying them in a toaster oven at first (easier to watch, smaller batches if you mess up, can try lots of different seasonings)

       1. How do you eat the roasted pumpkin seeds? Shell and all, or do you shell each one? This is why I just buy bags of shelled toasted pepitas.

    5. I make lots of roasted pumpkin and squash seeds every year….I don’t wash off the seeds, just take out bigger pieces of flesh/strings….then on foil lined cookie sheet, toss with olive oil, and minimum of kosher or sea salt, but to someI add smoked paprika and chipotle chile powder…but you can use anything you like. Super healthy snack

    6. Re: moldy pumpkins. We don’t have them carved for long. We carve pumpkins on the 30th and give them to the squirrels Nov 1. The squirrels are indeed bold enough to come up onto our porch to get at them, but it works out better for everyone (for us, in terms of mess) if we break them up a bit and put them near some trees that house the squirrels.

       We have other Halloween decorations and just put the whole un-carved pumpkins out with those until carving night. We really make a big tradition of carving on the 30th. My kids have always looked forward to it.

       My husband is in charge of doing the pumpkin seeds because he’s the only one who likes them. Simmering briefly in a saltwater brine, allowing to dry, then roasting them works well for him. You can also mess around with various spices in addition to salt. Chili powder is nice.

11. Hi all. Dating/gardening question. As a single woman trying to get through quarantine I have a virtual-only FWB – all safe and secure, nothing to worry about there.
    After months of swiping through the apps with no success I have had a couple of Zoom dates with a nice man and I hope we will have an IRL distanced date soon, and get within six feet shortly after that.
    In non quarantine times there would be the discussion about whether we were seeing other people – is the equivalent to this now the ‘what does social distancing mean to you’ conversation, and is it at that point that I stop gardening online with my FWB?
    Appreciate advice, this is new to me.

    1. When you agree that you’re not seeing other people, that’s when you have to stop gardening with your FWB. Personally, I’d probably stop a littler earlier, but there’s nothing wrong with continuing if you’re not exclusive.

    2. I think you can be vague and say something like I have friends that I don’t socially distance with, but I’m fine with changing that and getting tested for your comfort level. It doesn’t matter if you’re sharing drinks with a friend or sleeping with someone as far as covid concerns go.

       1. The FWB is overseas and totally contact-free so no COVID risk. That’s what’s throwing me off here.

          1. Then the question is an emotional one. If the in-person guy is expecting emotional and physical monogamy, you have a responsibility to have that conversation. It’s still intimacy, even if it isn’t physical, and most people would consider that seeing someone else, even if you aren’t seeing each other in person.

             1. +1, “seeing other people” in this context is emotional, not pandemic safety related.

             2. That was what I’d got to, it’s an emotional ‘seeing other people’ regardless of COVID.

    3. Sorry for being dense, and this is a genuine question: how does an online virtual FWB work? Do you mean like phone s3x?

       1. Possibly, but it’s more likely that it’s a Skype or Zoom thing.

       2. Yes I feel like my mom right now, but how would that possibly work, mechanically? I must not be imaginative.

          1. I use a vibrator for phone/video $ex.

12. For some reason, I am failing at the internet today. I can’t figure out what documents I need to send Social Security to change my name back to my maiden name.

    Can anyone help me? TIA!

    1. Google Social Security corrected card and you’ll get the details. Not including link to avoid moderation, but it’s pretty straightforward – decree/court order changing your name back, plus an identity document in your prior name depending on how long you were married.

13. I own/live in a 1-bedroom apartment in Manhattan.

    There is shared coin laundry in the basement, but during the pandemic I’ve been lusting after a washer/dryer inside my apartment. I see that compact combo W/D units exist, and even though they are already small…my apartment is small, too, and all space is currently put to use! My options look like they are:
    – install in kitchen and lose my best under-counter cabinet/drawer, going from generous kitchen storage to okay-but-not-great kitchen storage
    – install in bathroom where the under-sink vanity currently is, put a sink on top. I’ve seen photos online where people essentially hide the machine inside a vanity so you can close the doors and not see it.

    Leaning toward the bathroom if feasible, as the kitchen is newish/nice and the bathroom could stand to be improved.

    Would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation and what you did/whether you were happy with your decision. Contractor recs also welcome if you are in NYC!

    And I have read online that the combo W/D is not great at drying, but for me it is either a combo W/D or no dryer at all, so I’m leaning toward the combo, barring horror stories. I can always dry stuff in the basement if I need a powerful dryer, but I’d like having the option.

    1. I’ve had them in European apartments, they aren’t brilliant at drying but often get you close enough that clothes dry quickly on a rack. I’d put it in the bathroom if you have the space, it’s annoying to sacrifice kitchen space.

       1. +1, from a sample size of 4 different apartments in Europe. I mind keeping some bathroom stuff in the clothes closet (like my makeup bag) a lot less than I mind having limited kitchen storage. Plus in the kitchen it always felt like I was asking to get my clean clothes dirty immediately (like- what if there was a small spill on the counter I didn’t notice?)

          1. Yes, very true. Our current flat has an enormous bathroom and could easily accommodate a washer and dryer but European electrics and UK electrics are not the same, and it’s not allowed. Our new house has a utility room and I am so excited to have a bedroom without appliances in it.

    2. Based on my experience in an apartment with a combo w/d, I would avoid. It was pretty ineffective at drying. Like barely faster than hanging to dry. I’d get just the washer. I hang most of my activewear and delicates anyway. Sheets/towels you can just pop down to the shared laundry room.

       Under the vanity sounds like a great solution.

       1. Agree with this. Air-drying laundry also helps with humidity in the very dry winters.

    3. I had one when I lived in London. As the other replier said, not the best at drying clothes, but for one person who did more, smaller loads over the course of a week, it worked fine.

    4. Are you permitted to do this?

       1. I think any alterations need to be approved by the coop board, but given that it is ventless and doesn’t involve new hookups I don’t see why it won’t be approved…but will definitely verify.

          1. Verify before you get too attached to the idea. A lot of coops don’t allow this because of the increased water usage and pressure on the water pipes, or at least that’s the excuse. I’ve rarely seen a building pre-1990 that allowed in-unit washers.

             1. Thanks, I will talk to the coop before I do anything else.

             2. If you’re ever going to be able to get them to agree, now is the time. COVID is the perfect reason. Good luck!

    5. I have had a combo W/D unit, and I did not like it.
       – I had to take the wash out and shake it out before starting the dryer part, or everything would dry in wrinkly clumps stuck to the walls after spinning
       – There was not proper way to handle dryer lint, so…
       – all my darker washes (which I did not dry) got dryer lint all over them.

       The only washer I’ve liked less, was one that didn’t spin towels dry enough to be hung on racks, I had to iron them dry to keep them from mildewing.

       I would get a machine with a great spin cycle for towels and bedding instead, and a big fold-out drying rack with wings (like the IKEA Mulig). Towels dry a lot faster if you can hang them unfolded (use pegs to fasten to line) instead of folded over a line.

       1. I love our Samsung compact front-loading washer. We hang almost all our stuff to try, and have room to set up drying racks. I don’t know whether Samsung still makes them, but they fit under a standard height counter and we love ours.

14. What’s the best way to help Biden and Dem senate candidates at this point? I’m willing to give money or time, but only activities I can do from home in NYC.

    I can phone bank/text/etc if pointed in the right direction, and I am willing to donate more money to candidates or other organizations…but the candidates at least seem to have plenty of cash at this point and I’m not sure that the amount I’d be giving could make a difference.

    Just don’t know how to get the max impact from my money/time, so thanks for any guidance!

    1. There was an article in the New York Times about this on Friday or so. You could probably find it if you Google.

       1. I just googled, didn’t find it…can anyone point me in the right direction?

          1. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/15/opinion/volunteer-election.html

             1. Thank you, this is helpful.

    2. The amount you donate could make a difference if everyone donates similarly. Notice that the Michigan senate incumbent is in a tight race and could use donations. There are other tight races around the country.

       1. This. As Sasse notes, the Senate is as important as the Presidency. If we really want to get this country back on solid footing we need both.

       2. OP here, I know there are several tight races, but if someone is in a tight race and has lots of cash on hand, I don’t see how I am helping. I will look into the Michigan race, thanks!

          1. Get Mitch or Die Trying! Divides between the Senate races that look possible to actually flip D (including Michigan).

             https://secure.actblue.com/donate/getmitch

          2. It’s my understanding that not only is Peters (MI) in a tight race, but that it’s one of the few tight races where the R has a big cash on hand advantage. I’d look there :)

          3. I live in Michigan and phone bank 2-3 times a week with michigandems.com. Calling or texting voters to make sure they turn out their ballots or show up to the polls is imperative right now.
             Money donated goes towards ads (which we are already seeing literally all the time) and hiring organizers to tell volunteers aka us normal people what to do. Giving your time is very useful right now.

    3. Please also consider state legislative races. Statehouses are critically important, not least because in many states, they will be dealing with redistricting next year. It literally would take only 48 seats changing from R to D to retake majority in 10 different legislative chambers — small donations can have a huge impact. You can give to those candidates via the DLCC: secure.actblue.com/donate/48for10

    4. You could check out Sister District. They connect voters in heavily blue areas with volunteer opportunities in contested districts- lots of phone banking and text banking from home right now. They will train you. I don’t have any extra time right now to actually help but I did donate a nice chunk of cash to them.

15. FYI re: the Old Navy/Gap sales – they’re saying 30 business days for a refunds, so buyer beware.

16. Dear Manager,
    If you tell your team that they will be part of the interviewing process of their new boss then please don’t do all of the interviews, tell them who you plan to hire and then hold a last-minute (like one hour notice) “interview” with the individual as a group while you are present. It just wastes everyone’s time. Just hire the person and move on.

    1. AHAHAHAHAHA, do we work at the same place? Sob.

    2. Ironically, I was thinking about something similar that happened the other day: temporary team member was selected by an interviewed by my then-manager. After he interviewed the people he wanted to interview, he presented my teammate and myself with the “choice” of the one he wanted. I finally figured out that it was so that he could say that the entire team had input into who was hired.

       From your manager’s perspective, this is not a waste of time: your manager gets to say that you all were part of the hiring process. Refuse to play along. Request that the interview be held again, perhaps virtually if it’s easier for everyone, with at least two days of notice so that your team can prepare questions.

    3. lol we once interviewed someone (junior compared to the three of us) and afterwards my coworker and I expressed our reservations, said we didn’t think he was a great choice for reasons A, B, and C. My boss extended him an offer anyway.

       1. This happens to me all the time too.

       2. If it makes you feel better, my husband lost out on a job this way once. All of management liked him, but the team interview had a bad vibe and they tanked it for him.

          He was better off not getting it. The team basically did not want a manager, and my husband would have been a new layer of management between them and their current manager. It wasn’t personal, but they made it personal to thwart the process. He wouldn’t have thrived there.

17. Anyone who has taken AVO for UTIs . . . did the AVO prevent the UTI from happening if you caught it early enough? Or did it just buy you time until the full blown infection and you could make it to the doctor? Trying to ward off a UTI that I could feel a tinge of coming on . . .

    1. Twice recently I’ve felt a UTI coming on and taken AVO to get me through until I could get to an urgent care (my primary and OBGYN both make you come in for urine samples anyway, so that was my most convenient option due to schedules). You have to quit taking the AVO prior to the urine sample so that the discoloration to your urine is gone. Both times I was 100% sure I had a UTI. Urine sample came back no infection and I didn’t need the antibiotic (both times they gave me the antibiotic anyway, but asked that I wait until I got the culture results or I started experiencing symptoms again which I never did experience so I didn’t take the prescription). I was also drinking water constantly along with some cranberry juice to try to flush my system.

    2. AZO doesn’t do anything to prevent it or cure them, but you can take D-Mannose ( a supplement – it’s basically a sugar found in cranberries). D-Mannose truly does work for me and is backed by credible scientific evidence.

       1. D-Mannose only works for e. coli infections, which are the most common, but worth checking your last culture to see if they are your typical bacteria.

    3. Avo doesn’t treat the UTI at all, it takes away the pain from peeing.

    4. It’s just for symptoms; it doesn’t treat or prevent infection. Turns out I never really was getting a UTI though; it was some kind of cystitis.

    5. I got a UTI at an incredibly inconvenient time (think out-of-town family funeral). Zero time to get to an urgent care. I loaded up on AZO, both the orange dye and a product called Urinary Tract Defense, available in the same aisle. The UTD contained an ingredient that makes it harder for bacteria to grow and while it doesn’t outright cure the infection, it can stop it from getting worse.

    6. I am pretty sure green tea is also good for heading off UTIs. Verify with Dr. Google. But some people are just prone to them (like my mom and sister) and no amount of these kinds of things make a big difference.

    7. I used to get recurrent UTIs. I could occasionally prevent them by drinking a ton of water and flushing out the bacteria (that is my guess anyway haha) if I caught it early enough. But most of the time I would just go to the doctor the same day and start the AZO immediately after my appointment and then would go pick up my antibiotic.

       1. +1 I think I’ve scared off some early ones with copious amounts of water and cranberry juice. But AZO will not help. It’s just a pain reliever.

18. We used to have a service come to clean twice a month. It was usually the same person. We didn’t have the service during this whole “situation” because first we were away and then everyone was home and it was too hard to get away for the half day with the kids, dog, etc., but now we are finally resuming because kids are back at school (for now, anyway) and we are back to being able to go to the office. It will be the same person coming back.

    My question. While this has all been happening, we’ve only had the service come a few times while we were away and each time I doubled the tip I usually leave (e.g., $50 instead of $25). Now that we are resuming regular cleanings, it seems a bit much to keep paying a 40% tip on each cleaning. But I also don’t want it to come across as I am somehow less happy with the work. I’m probably overthinking this. Is the solution just to leave double tip on the first cleaning with an enthusiastic “Welcome Back!” and go back to 20% for the cleanings thereafter?

    1. You’re overthinking. Just go back to the normal amount.

    2. Now that you are resuming regular service, I would start off with the same tip you plan on leaving each time. A big “welcome back” tip on the first cleaning will set expectations more than large tips for the occasional service that you received over the past few months.

    3. 40% is absurdly generous, just go back down to 15-20% or wtv you were tipping before and stay silent about it. I think they know you’ve been tipping way more than you used to, you’re not a new client. Don’t overthink this or worry about them being insulted, you’re already doing more than they probably get at 15-20% per cleaning. In my area you don’t even tip after each cleaning (what a pain) but usually give really generously at end of year/Christmas (for me around $500 to $ 800 on top of regular cleaning, which equals about 2 months of cleaning)

       1. +1. I don’t tip after every cleaning, only at end of year. I think once they are resuming normal schedule, you resume normal tip. I’d view the generous tip as a way to help support them when they lacked normal regular work.

19. Hey everyone – I know many of you have donated to political causes this summer and fall. As campaigns wind down, I’d like to encourage you to redirect money to food banks. Congress has been dysfunctional and unable to pass a stimulus package, and millions of our neighbors are struggling to afford food – something that should be a crime in a nation as wealthy as ours <3

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2020/10/02/food-bank-shortage-feeding-america/

    1. Co-sign. I’ve been donating money to my region’s food bank and whenever they send thank-you emails, they note just how much the demand has skyrocketed during the pandemic. I also give money to an organization that not only offers food bank access, but also provides essential health and community services to undocumented immigrants who do not have access to federal relief under the CARES Act. I’m very lucky to be in a good financial position during this pandemic and I want to give back as much as I can.

    2. Thank you for this important reminder! Signing up to donate now.

    3. Yes, great reminder. Most of my holiday charitable giving will be going to the local food bank this year.

    4. Thank you for posting this. I am on the board of my regional food bank. The increased need is just staggering, and it is hitting seniors and kids the hardest while centers and schools are closed or have virtual options.

    5. Thank you for this excellent reminder.

    6. +1, pet food banks and shelters too. A lot of people in my are are turning to the local shelter for help feeding their pets, or at worst, giving them up because they can no longer care for them.

20. Geeeeeeeeeez, I just read the weekend thread and I want to say to LaurenB that I appreciate your perspective on this board, and the piling-on this weekend was rude and uncalled for. I hope you don’t let some chirping from the Anons chase you away from this board, because I appreciate your insight and thoughts, even when I don’t agree with them. And you’re respectful in your comments, even when people are being nasty to you, and I think that’s something that more people should strive to emulate.

    1. Just read that and WOW people are rude.

    2. There’s someone on here who appears to be triggered by the mere fact that LaurenB exists. This person appears to erroneously think that their comments are effective at putting her down. This person might want to consider that instead their comments make them look kind of crazy.

       1. +1. I feel like I’ve posted defenses of Lauren so many times times but I should probably just stop because whoever is out to get her has now become so unhinged that she doesn’t even realize how weird and creepy it is. In any case, I enjoy Lauren’s opinions and am glad she posts here.

          1. +1

          2. Yeah, kind of agree here. Be nice, we’re all adults.

21. Small issue that has been driving me crazy. My work calls get forwarded to my cell phone. My cell phone VM plays if I don’t answer. What’s an appropriate vm message that works for both work (big law attorney) and personal life? Is it weird if I don’t ID my firm and just say something like “You have reached the VM of Anon. Please leave a detailed message and I will return your call”?

    1. This is Alicia Florrick. You’ve reached my cell phone. Please leave me a voicemail here or text me at (312) 555-5555.

    2. That’s plenty good, maybe add “ will call back within x time frame”.

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